1 =======================================================================
3 || The FORTUNE-COOKIE program is soon to be a Major Motion Picture! ||
4 || Watch for it at a theater near you next summer! ||
6 =======================================================================
7 Francis Ford Coppola presents a George Lucas Production:
9 Directed by Steven Spielberg.
10 Starring Harrison Ford Bette Midler Marlon Brando
11 Christopher Reeves Marilyn Chambers
12 and Bob Hope as "The Waiter".
13 Costumes Designed by Pierre Cardin.
14 Special Effects by Timothy Leary.
15 Read the Warner paperback!
16 Invoke the Unix program!
17 Soundtrack on XTC Records.
18 In 70mm and Dolby Stereo at selected theaters and terminal
22 Philadelphia, Pa. 19369
24 Your name has been submitted to us with your photo. I regret to
25 inform you that we will be unable to use your body in our centerfold. On
26 a scale of one to ten, your body was rated a minus two by a panel of women
27 ranging in age from 60 to 75 years. We tried to assemble a panel in the
28 age bracket of 25 to 35 years, but we could not get them to stop laughing
29 long enough to reach a decision. Should the taste of the American woman
30 ever change so drastically that bodies such as yours would be appropriate
31 in our magazine, you will be notified by this office. Please, don't call
36 p.s. We also want to commend you for your unusual pose. Were you
37 wounded in the war, or do you ride your bike a lot?
50 _____.,-#%&$@%#&#~,._____
67 you're splitting my ends.
71 Title: Are Frogs Turing Compatible?
72 Speaker: Don "The Lion" Knuth
75 Several researchers at the University of Louisiana have been studying
76 the computing power of various amphibians, frogs in particular. The problem
77 of frog computability has become a critical issue that ranges across all areas
78 of computer science. It has been shown that anything computable by an amphi-
79 bian community in a fixed-size pond is computable by a frog in the same-size
80 pond -- that is to say, frogs are Pond-space complete. We will show that
81 there is a log-space, polywog-time reduction from any Turing machine program
82 to a frog. We will suggest these represent a proper subset of frog-computable
84 This is not just a let's-see-how-far-those-frogs-can-jump seminar.
85 This is only for hardcore amphibian-computation people and their colleagues.
86 Refreshments will be served. Music will be played.
90 For those of you in the reseller business, here is a helpful tip that will
91 save your support staff a few hours of precious time. Before you send your
92 next machine out to an untrained client, change the permissions on /etc/passwd
93 to 666 and make sure there is a copy somewhere on the disk. Now when they
94 forget the root password, you can easily login as an ordinary user and correct
95 the damage. Having a bootable tape (for larger machines) is not a bad idea
96 either. If you need some help, give us a call.
98 -- CommUNIXque 1:1, ASCAR Business Systems
101 _--~~~#####// ' ` \\#####~~~--_
102 -~##########// ( ) \\##########~-_
103 -############// |\^^/| \\############-
104 _~############// (O||O) \\############~_
105 ~#############(( \\// ))#############~
106 -###############\\ (oo) //###############-
107 -#################\\ / `' \ //#################-
108 -###################\\/ () \//###################-
109 _#/|##########/\######( (()) )######/\##########|\#_
110 |/ |#/\#/\#/\/ \#/\##| \()/ |##/\#/ \/\#/\#/\#| \|
111 ` |/ V V ` V )|| |()| ||( V ' V /\ \| '
112 ` ` ` ` / | |()| | \ ' '<||> '
114 __\ |__|()|__| /__\______/|/
115 (vvv(vvvv)(vvvv)vvv)______|/
118 Don't some of these fortunes just drive you nuts?!
119 Wouldn't you like to see some of them deleted from the system?
120 You can! Just mail to `fortune' with the fortune you hate most,
121 and we'll make sure it gets expunged.
123 It's grad exam time...
125 Inside your desk you'll find a listing of the DEC/VMS operating
126 system in IBM 1710 machine code. Show what changes are necessary to convert
127 this code into a UNIX Berkeley 7 operating system. Prove that these fixes are
128 bug free and run correctly. You should gain at least 150% efficiency in the
129 new system. (You should take no more than 10 minutes on this question.)
132 If X equals PI times R^2, construct a formula showing how long
133 it would take a fire ant to drill a hole through a dill pickle, if the
134 length-girth ratio of the ant to the pickle were 98.17:1.
137 Describe the Universe. Give three examples.
139 It's grad exam time...
141 You have been provided with a razor blade, a piece of gauze, and a
142 bottle of Scotch. Remove your appendix. Do not suture until your work has
143 been inspected. (You have 15 minutes.)
146 Describe the history of the papacy from its origins to the present
147 day, concentrating especially, but not exclusively, on its social, political,
148 economic, religious and philosophical impact upon Europe, Asia, America, and
149 Africa. Be brief, concise, and specific.
152 Create life. Estimate the differences in subsequent human culture
153 if this form of life had been created 500 million years ago or earlier, with
154 special attention to its probable effect on the English parliamentary system.
156 Pittsburgh driver's test
158 a) extremely dangerous.
160 c) the fault of the previous administration.
161 d) all going to be fixed next summer.
162 The correct answer is b.
163 Potholes destroy unpatriotic, unamerican, imported cars, since the holes
164 are larger than the cars. If you drive a big, patriotic, American car
165 you have nothing to worry about.
167 Pittsburgh driver's test
168 2: A traffic light at an intersection changes from yellow to red, you should
170 b) proceed slowly through the intersection.
173 The correct answer is d.
174 If you said c, you were almost right, so give yourself a half point.
176 Pittsburgh driver's test
177 3: When stopped at an intersection you should
178 a) watch the traffic light for your lane.
179 b) watch for pedestrians crossing the street.
181 d) watch the traffic light for the intersecting street.
182 The correct answer is d.
183 You need to start as soon as the traffic light for the intersecting
185 Answer c is worth a half point.
187 Pittsburgh driver's test
193 The correct answer is b.
194 The meddling Washington eco-freak communist bureaucrats who say otherwise
195 are liars. (Message to those who answered d. Go back to California where
196 you came from. Your kind are not welcome here.)
198 Pittsburgh driver's test
199 5: Your car's horn is a vital piece of safety equipment.
200 How often should you test it?
205 The correct answer is d.
206 You should test your car's horn at least once every hour,
207 and more often at night or in residential neighborhoods.
209 Pittsburgh driver's test
210 7: The car directly in front of you has a flashing right tail light
211 but a steady left tail light.
212 a) One of the tail lights is broken. You should blow your
213 horn to call the problem to the driver's attention.
214 b) The driver is signaling a right turn.
215 c) The driver is signaling a left turn.
216 d) The driver is from out of town.
217 The correct answer is d.
218 Tail lights are used in some foreign countries to signal turns.
220 Pittsburgh driver's test
225 d) difficult to clean off the front grille.
226 The correct answer is a. Pedestrians are not in cars, so they
227 are totally irrelevant to driving, and you should ignore them
230 Pittsburgh driver's test
231 9: Roads are salted in order to
236 The correct answer is c.
237 Road salting employs thousands of persons directly, and millions more
238 indirectly, for example, salt miners and rustproofers. Most important,
239 salting reduces the life spans of cars, thus stimulating the car and
255 _--~~~#####// \\#####~~~--_
256 _-~##########// ( ) \\##########~-_
257 -############// :\^^/: \\############-
258 _~############// (@::@) \\############~_
259 ~#############(( \\// ))#############~
260 -###############\\ (^^) //###############-
261 -#################\\ / "" \ //#################-
262 -###################\\/ \//###################-
263 _#/:##########/\######( /\ )######/\##########:\#_
264 :/ :#/\#/\#/\/ \#/\##\ : : /##/\#/ \/\#/\#/\#: \:
265 " :/ V V " V \#\: : : :/#/ V " V V \: "
266 " " " " \ : : : : / " " " "
268 Has your family tried 'em?
272 Heavens, they're tasty and expeditious!
274 They're made from whole wheat, to give shy persons
275 the strength to get up and do what needs to be done.
279 Buy them ready-made in the big blue box with the picture of
280 the biscuit on the front, or in the brown bag with the dark
281 stains that indicate freshness.
283 Answers to Last Fortunes' Questions:
284 1) None. (Moses didn't have an ark).
285 2) Your mother, by the pigeonhole principle.
286 3) You don't know. Neither does your boss.
288 5) 6 (or maybe 4, or else 3). Mr. Alfred J. Duncan of Podunk, Montana,
289 submitted an interesting solution to Problem 5. Unfortunately, I lost it.
290 6) I know the answer to this one, but I'm not telling! Suffer! Ha-ha-ha!!
291 7) There is an interesting solution to this problem on page 10,953 of my
292 book, which you can pick up for $23.95 at finer bookstores and bathroom
293 supply outlets (or 99 cents at the table in front of Papyrus Books).
295 Hard Copies and Chmod
297 And everyone thinks computers are impersonal
298 cold diskdrives hardware monitors
299 user-hostile software
301 of course they're only bits and bytes
302 and characters and strings
305 just some old textfiles from my old boyfriend
306 telling me he loves me and
307 he'll take care of me
309 simply a discarded printout of a friend's directory
310 deep intimate secrets and
311 how he doesn't trust me
313 couldn't hurt me more if they were scented in lavender or mould
314 on personal stationery
315 -- terri@csd4.milw.wisc.edu
317 `O' LEVEL COUNTER CULTURE
318 Timewarp allowed: 3 hours. Do not scrawl situationalist graffiti in the
319 margins or stub your rollups in the inkwells. Orange may be worn. Credit
320 will be given to candidates who self-actualise.
322 1: Compare and contrast Pink Floyd with Black Sabbath and say why
323 neither has street credibility.
324 2: "Even Buddha would have been hard pushed to reach Nirvana squatting
325 on a juggernaut route." Consider the dialectic of inner truth and inner
327 3: Discuss degree of hassle involved in paranoia about being sucked
329 4: "The Egomaniac's Liberation Front were a bunch of revisionist
330 ripoff merchants." Comment on this insult.
331 5: Account for the lack of references to brown rice in Dylan's lyrics.
332 6: "Castenada was a bit of a bozo." How far is this a fair summing
333 up of western dualism?
334 7: Hermann Hesse was a Pisces. Discuss.
337 Twas FORTRAN as the doloop goes
338 Did logzerneg the ifthen block
339 All kludgy were the function flows
340 And subroutines adhoc.
342 Beware the runtime-bug my friend
343 squrooneg, the false goto
344 Beware the infiniteloop
345 And shun the inprectoo.
347 Safety Tips for the Post-Nuclear Existence
348 1. Never use an elevator in a building that has been hit by a
349 nuclear bomb, use the stairs.
350 2. When you're flying through the air, remember to roll
351 when you hit the ground.
352 3. If you're on fire, avoid gasoline and other flammable materials.
353 4. Don't attempt communication with dead people; it will only lead
354 to psychological problems.
355 5. Food will be scarce, you will have to scavenge. Learn to recognize
356 foods that will be available after the bomb: mashed potatoes,
357 shredded wheat, tossed salad, ground beef, etc.
358 6. Put your hand over your mouth when you sneeze, internal organs
359 will be scarce in the post-nuclear age.
360 7. Try to be neat, fall only in designated piles.
361 8. Drive carefully in "Heavy Fallout" areas, people could be
362 staggering illegally.
363 9. Nutritionally, hundred dollar bills are equal to one's, but more
364 sanitary due to limited circulation.
365 10. Accumulate mannequins now, spare parts will be in short
368 The Guy on the Right Doesn't Stand a Chance
369 The guy on the right has the Osborne 1, a fully functional computer system
370 in a portable package the size of a briefcase. The guy on the left has an
371 Uzi submachine gun concealed in his attache case. Also in the case are four
372 fully loaded, 32-round clips of 125-grain 9mm ammunition. The owner of the
373 Uzi is going to get more tactical firepower delivered -- and delivered on
374 target -- in less time, and with less effort. All for $795. It's inevitable.
375 If you're going up against some guy with an Osborne 1 -- or any personal
376 computer -- he's the one who's in trouble. One round from an Uzi can zip
377 through ten inches of solid pine wood, so you can imagine what it will do
378 to structural foam acrylic and sheet aluminum. In fact, detachable magazines
379 for the Uzi are available in 25-, 32-, and 40-round capacities, so you can
380 take out an entire office full of Apple II or IBM Personal Computers tied
381 into Ethernet or other local-area networks. What about the new 16-bit
382 computers, like the Lisa and Fortune? Even with the Winchester backup,
383 they're no match for the Uzi. One quick burst and they'll find out what
384 Unix means. Make your commanding officer proud. Get an Uzi -- and come home
385 a winner in the fight for office automatic weapons.
386 -- "InfoWorld", June, 1984
389 Gimme Twinkies, gimme wine,
390 Gimme jeans by Calvin Kline...
391 But if you split those atoms fine,
392 Mama keep 'em off those genes of mine!
393 Gimme zits, take my dough,
394 Gimme arsenic in my jelly roll...
395 Call the devil and sell my soul,
396 But Mama keep dem atoms whole!
399 THIS IS PLEDGE WEEK FOR THE FORTUNE PROGRAM
401 If you like the fortune program, why not support it now with your contribution
402 of a pithy fortune, clean or obscene? We cannot continue without your support.
403 Less than 14% of all fortune users are contributors. That means that 86% of
404 you are getting a free ride. We can't go on like this much longer. Federal
405 cutbacks mean less money for fortunes, and unless user contributions increase
406 to make up the difference, the fortune program will have to shut down between
407 midnight and 8 a.m. Don't let this happen. Mail your fortunes right now to
408 `fortune'. Just type in your favorite pithy fortune. Do it now before you
409 forget. Our target is 300 new fortunes by the end of the week. Don't miss
410 out. All fortunes will be acknowledged. If you contribute 30 fortunes or
411 more, you will receive a free subscription to "The Fortune Hunter", our monthly
412 program guide. If you contribute 50 or more, you will receive a free "Fortune
415 What I Did During My Fall Semester
416 On the first day of my fall semester, I got up.
417 Then I went to the library to find a thesis topic.
418 Then I hung out in front of the Dover.
420 On the second day of my fall semester, I got up.
421 Then I went to the library to find a thesis topic.
422 Then I hung out in front of the Dover.
424 On the third day of my fall semester, I got up.
425 Then I went to the library to find a thesis topic.
426 I found a thesis topic:
427 How to keep people from hanging out in front of the Dover.
428 -- Sister Mary Elephant,
429 "Student Statement for Black Friday"
434 | z dz cos(3 * PI / 9) = ln (e )
438 The integral of z squared, dz
439 From 1 to the cube root of 3
442 Is the log of the cube root of e
446 SUPERMAN SAVES DESSERT!
447 Plans to "Eat it later"
449 *** A NEW KIND OF PROGRAMMING ***
451 Do you want the instant respect that comes from being able to use technical
452 terms that nobody understands? Do you want to strike fear and loathing into
453 the hearts of DP managers everywhere? If so, then let the Famous Programmers'
454 School lead you on... into the world of professional computer programming.
455 They say a good programmer can write 20 lines of effective program per day.
456 With our unique training course, we'll show you how to write 20 lines of code
457 and lots more besides. Our training course covers every programming language
458 in existence, and some that aren't. You'll learn why the on/off switch for a
459 computer is so important, what the words *fatal error* mean, and who and what
460 you should blame when you make a mistake.
462 Yes, I want the brochure describing this incredible offer.
463 I enclose $1000 is small unmarked bills to cover the cost of
464 postage and handling. (No live poultry, please.)
466 *** Our Slogan: Top down programming for the masses. ***
468 *** DO YOU HAVE A RESTLESS URGE TO PROGRAM? ***
469 Do you want the instant respect that comes from being able to use technical
470 terms that nobody understands? Do you want to strike fear and loathing into
471 the hearts of DP managers everywhere? If so, then let the Famous Programmers'
472 School lead you on... into the world of professional computer programming.
474 *** IS PROGRAMMING FOR YOU? ***
475 Programming is not for everyone. But, if you have the desire to learn, we can
476 help you get started. All you need is the Famous Programmers' Course and
477 enough money to keep those lessons coming month after month.
479 *** TAKE OUR FREE APTITUDE TEST ***
480 To help determine if you are qualified to be a programmer, take a moment to
481 try this simple test:
482 1: Write down the numbers from zero to nine and the first six letters
483 of the alphabet (Hint: 0123456789ABCDEF).
484 2: Whose picture is on the back of a twenty-dollar bill?
485 3: What is the state capital of Idaho?
486 If you managed to read all three questions without wondering why we asked
487 them, you may have a future as a computer programmer.
489 *** STUDENT SUCCESSES ***
491 Many of our students have gone on to achieve great success in all fields of
492 programming. One former student developed the concept of the personalized
493 form letter. Does the phrase, "Dear Mr.(insert name), You may already be a
494 winner!," sound familiar? Another student writes "After only five lessons I
495 sold a "My Most Unforgettable Program" article to Corrosive Computing magazine.
496 Another of our graduates writes, "I recently completed a database-management
497 program for my department manager. My program touched him so deeply that he
498 was speechless. He told me later that he had never seen such a program in
499 his entire career. Thank you, Famous Programmers' school; only you could
500 have made this possible." Send for our introductory brochure which explains
501 in vague detail the operation of the Famous Programmers' School, and you'll
502 be eligible to win a possible chance to enter a drawing, the winner of which
503 can vie for a set of free steak knives. If you don't do it now, you'll hate
504 yourself in the morning.
506 ... This striving for excellence extends into people's
507 personal lives as well. When '80s people buy something, they buy the
508 best one, as determined by (1) price and (2) lack of availability.
509 Eighties people buy imported dental floss. They buy gourmet baking
510 soda. If an '80s couple goes to a restaurant where they have made a
511 reservation three weeks in advance, and they are informed that their
512 table is available, they stalk out immediately, because they know it is
513 not an excellent restaurant. If it were, it would have an enormous
514 crowd of excellence-oriented people like themselves waiting, their
515 beepers going off like crickets in the night. An excellent restaurant
516 wouldn't have a table ready immediately for anybody below the rank of
518 -- Dave Barry, "In Search of Excellence"
520 ... with liberty and justice for all who can afford it.
522 12 + 144 + 20 + 3(4) 2
523 ---------------------- + 5(11) = 9 + 0
526 A dozen, a gross and a score,
527 Plus three times the square root of four,
529 Plus five times eleven,
530 Equals nine squared plus zero, no more!
532 7,140 pounds on the Sun
533 97 pounds on Mercury or Mars
535 232 pounds on Venus or Uranus
536 43 pounds on the Moon
537 648 pounds on Jupiter
539 303 pounds on Neptune
542 -- How much Elvis Presley would weigh at various places
545 A boy scout troop went on a hike. Crossing over a stream, one of
546 the boys dropped his wallet into the water. Suddenly a carp jumped, grabbed
547 the wallet and tossed it to another carp. Then that carp passed it to
548 another carp, and all over the river carp appeared and tossed the wallet back
550 "Well, boys," said the Scout leader, "you've just seen a rare case
551 of carp-to-carp walleting."
553 A carpet installer decides to take a cigarette break after completing
554 the installation in the first of several rooms he has to do. Finding them
555 missing from his pocket he begins searching, only to notice a small lump in
556 his recently completed carpet-installation. Not wanting to pull up all that
557 work for a lousy pack of cigarettes he simply walks over and pounds the lump
558 flat. Foregoing the break, he continues on to the other rooms to be carpeted.
559 At the end of the day, while loading his tools into his truck, two
560 events occur almost simultaneously: he spies his pack of cigarettes on the
561 dashboard of the truck, and the lady of the house summons him imperiously:
562 "Have you seen my parakeet?"
564 A circus foreman was making the rounds inspecting the big top when
565 a scrawny little man entered the tent and walked up to him. "Are you the
566 foreman around here?" he asked timidly. "I'd like to join your circus; I
567 have what I think is a pretty good act."
568 The foreman nodded assent, whereupon the little man hurried over to
569 the main pole and rapidly climbed up to the very tip-top of the big top.
570 Drawing a deep breath, he hurled himself off into the air and began flapping
571 his arms furiously. Amazingly, rather than plummeting to his death the little
572 man began to fly all around the poles, lines, trapezes and other obstacles,
573 performing astounding feats of aerobatics which ended in a long power dive
574 from the top of the tent, pulling up into a gentle feet-first landing beside
575 the foreman, who had been nonchalantly watching the whole time.
576 "Well," puffed the little man. "What do you think?"
577 "That's all you do?" answered the foreman scornfully. "Bird
580 A disciple of another sect once came to Drescher as he was eating
581 his morning meal. "I would like to give you this personality test", said
582 the outsider, "because I want you to be happy."
583 Drescher took the paper that was offered him and put it into the
584 toaster -- "I wish the toaster to be happy too".
586 A doctor, an architect, and a computer scientist were arguing about
587 whose profession was the oldest. In the course of their arguments, they
588 got all the way back to the Garden of Eden, whereupon the doctor said, "The
589 medical profession is clearly the oldest, because Eve was made from Adam's
590 rib, as the story goes, and that was a simply incredible surgical feat."
591 The architect did not agree. He said, "But if you look at the Garden
592 itself, in the beginning there was chaos and void, and out of that the Garden
593 and the world were created. So God must have been an architect."
594 The computer scientist, who'd listened carefully to all of this, then
595 commented, "Yes, but where do you think the chaos came from?"
597 A farmer decides that his three sows should be bred, and contacts a
598 buddy down the road, who owns several boars. They agree on a stud fee, and
599 the farmer puts the sows in his pickup and takes them down the road to the
600 boars. He leaves them all day, and when he picks them up that night, asks
601 the man how he can tell if it "took" or not. The breeder replies that if,
602 the next morning, the sows were grazing on grass, they were pregnant, but if
603 they were rolling in the mud as usual, they probably weren't.
604 Comes the morn, the sows are rolling in the mud as usual, so the
605 farmer puts them in the truck and brings them back for a second full day of
606 frolic. This continues for a week, since each morning the sows are rolling
608 Around the sixth day, the farmer wakes up and tells his wife, "I
609 don't have the heart to look again. This is getting ridiculous. You check
610 today." With that, the wife peeks out the bedroom window and starts to laugh.
611 "What is it?" asks the farmer excitedly. "Are they grazing at last?"
612 "Nope." replies his wife. "Two of them are jumping up and down in
613 the back of your truck, and the other one is honking the horn!"
615 A father gave his teen-age daughter an untrained pedigreed pup for
616 her birthday. An hour later, when wandered through the house, he found her
617 looking at a puddle in the center of the kitchen. "My pup," she murmured
618 sadly, "runneth over."
619 Catching his children with their hands in the new, still wet, patio,
620 the father spanked them. His wife asked, "Don't you love your children?"
621 "In the abstract, yes, but not in the concrete."
623 A German, a Pole and a Czech left camp for a hike through the woods.
624 After being reported missing a day or two later, rangers found two bears,
625 one a male, one a female, looking suspiciously overstuffed. They killed
626 the female, autopsied her, and sure enough, found the German and the Pole.
627 "What do you think?" said the first ranger.
628 "The Czech is in the male," replied the second.
630 A group of soldiers being prepared for a practice landing on a tropical
631 island were warned of the one danger the island held, a poisonous snake that
632 could be readily identified by its alternating orange and black bands. They
633 were instructed, should they find one of these snakes, to grab the tail end of
634 the snake with one hand and slide the other hand up the body of the snake to
635 the snake's head. Then, forcefully, bend the thumb above the snake's head
636 downward to break the snake's spine. All went well for the landing, the
637 charge up the beach, and the move into the jungle. At one foxhole site, two
638 men were starting to dig and wondering what had happened to their partner.
639 Suddenly he staggered out of the underbrush, uniform in shreds, covered with
640 blood. He collapsed to the ground. His buddies were so shocked they could
641 only blurt out, "What happened?"
642 "I ran from the beachhead to the edge of the jungle, and, as I hit the
643 ground, I saw an orange and black striped snake right in front of me. I
644 grabbed its tail end with my left hand. I placed my right hand above my left
645 hand. I held firmly with my left hand and slid my right hand up the body of
646 the snake. When I reached the head of the snake I flicked my right thumb down
647 to break the snake's spine... did you ever goose a tiger?"
649 A guy returns from a long trip to Europe, having left his beloved
650 dog in his brother's care. The minute he's cleared customs, he calls up his
651 brother and inquires after his pet.
652 "Your dog's dead," replies his brother bluntly.
653 The guy is devastated. "You know how much that dog meant to me,"
654 he moaned into the phone. "Couldn't you at least have thought of a nicer way
655 of breaking the news? Couldn't you have said, `Well, you know, the dog got
656 outside one day, and was crossing the street, and a car was speeding around a
657 corner...' or something...? Why are you always so thoughtless?"
658 "Look, I'm sorry," said his brother, "I guess I just didn't think."
659 "Okay, okay, let's just put it behind us. How are you anyway?
661 His brother is silent a moment. "Uh," he stammers, "uh... Mom got
664 A guy walks into a pub and asks: "Does anyone here own a Doberman?
665 I feel really bad about this, but my Chihuahua just killed it."
666 A man leaps to his feet and replies, "Yes, I do, but how can that
667 be? I raised that dog from a pup to be a vicious killer."
668 "Yes, well, that's all well and good," replied the first, "but my
669 dog's stuck in its throat."
671 A horse breeder has his young colts bottle-fed after they're three
672 days old. He heard that a foal and his mummy are soon parted.
673 A crow perched himself on a telephone wire. He was going to make a
675 A musical reviewer admitted he always praised the first show of a
676 new theatrical season. "Who am I to stone the first cast?"
677 A hard-luck actor who appeared in one colossal disaster after another
678 finally got a break, a broken leg to be exact. Someone pointed out that it's
679 the first time the poor fellow's been in the same cast for more than a week.
681 A housewife, an accountant and a lawyer were asked to add 2 and 2.
682 The housewife replied, "Four!".
683 The accountant said, "It's either 3 or 4. Let me run those figures
684 through my spread sheet one more time."
685 The lawyer pulled the drapes, dimmed the lights and asked in a
686 hushed voice, "How much do you want it to be?"
688 A lawyer named Strange was shopping for a tombstone. After he had
689 made his selection, the stonecutter asked him what inscription he
690 would like on it. "Here lies an honest man and a lawyer," responded the
692 "Sorry, but I can't do that," replied the stonecutter. "In this
693 state, it's against the law to bury two people in the same grave. However,
694 I could put ``here lies an honest lawyer'', if that would be okay."
695 "But that won't let people know who it is" protested the lawyer.
696 "Certainly will," retorted the stonecutter. "people will read it
697 and exclaim, "That's Strange!"
699 A little dog goes into a saloon in the Wild West, and beckons to
700 the bartender. "Hey, bartender, gimmie a whiskey."
701 The bartender ignores him.
702 "Hey bartender, gimmie a whiskey."
704 "HEY BARMAN!! GIMMIE A WHISKEY!!"
705 The bartender takes out his six-shooter and shoots the dog in the
706 leg, and the dog runs out the saloon, howling in pain.
707 Three years later, the wee dog appears again, wearing boots,
708 jeans, chaps, a Stetson, gun belt, and guns. He ambles slowly into the
709 saloon, goes up to the bar, leans over it, and says to the bartender,
710 "I'm here t'git the man that shot muh paw."
712 A man enters a pet shop, seeking to purchase a parrot. He points
713 to a fine colorful bird and asks how much it costs.
714 When he is told it costs 70,000 zlotys, he whistles in amazement
715 and asks why it is so much. "Well, the bird is fluent in Italian and
716 French and can recite the periodic table." He points to another bird
717 and is told that it costs 90,000 zlotys because it speaks French and
718 German, can knit and can curse in Latin.
719 Finally the customer asks about a drab gray bird. "Ah," he is
720 told, "that one is 150,000."
721 "Why, what can it do?" he asks.
722 "Well," says the shopkeeper, "to tell you the truth, he doesn't
723 do anything, but the other birds call him Mr. Secretary."
724 -- being told in Poland, 1987
726 A man from AI walked across the mountains to SAIL to see the Master,
727 Knuth. When he arrived, the Master was nowhere to be found. "Where is the
728 wise one named Knuth?" he asked a passing student.
729 "Ah," said the student, "you have not heard. He has gone on a
730 pilgrimage across the mountains to the temple of AI to seek out new
732 Hearing this, the man was Enlightened.
734 A man met a beautiful young woman in a bar. They got along well,
735 shared dinner, and had a marvelous evening. When he left her, he told her
736 that he had really enjoyed their time together, and hoped to see her again,
737 soon. Smiling yes, she gave him her phone number.
738 The next day, he called her up and asked her to go dancing. She
739 agreed. As they talked, he jokingly asked her what her favorite flower was.
740 Realizing his intentions, she told him that he shouldn't bring her flowers
741 -- if he wanted to bring her a gift, well, he should bring her a Swiss Army
743 Surprised, and not a little intrigued, he spent a large part of the
744 afternoon finding a particularly unusual one. Arriving at her apartment
745 he immediately presented her with the knife. She ooohed and ahhhed over it
746 for a minute, and then carefully placed it in a drawer, that the man couldn't
747 help but see was full of Swiss Army knives.
748 Surprised, he asked her why she had collected so many.
749 "Well, I'm young and attractive now", blushed the woman, "but that
750 won't always be true. And boy scouts will do anything for a Swiss Army knife!"
752 A man sank into the psychiatrist's couch and said, "I have a
753 terrible problem, Doctor. I have a son at Harvard and another son at
754 Princeton; I've just gifted each of them with a new Ferrari; I've got
755 homes in Beverly Hills, Palm Beach, and a co-op in New York; and I've
756 got a thriving ranch in Venezuela. My wife is a gorgeous young actress
757 who considers my two mistresses to be her best friends."
758 The psychiatrist looked at the patient, confused. "Did I miss
759 something? It sounds to me like you have no problems at all."
760 "But, Doctor, I only make $175 a week."
762 A man walked into a bar with his alligator and asked the bartender,
763 "Do you serve lawyers here?".
764 "Sure do," replied the bartender.
765 "Good," said the man. "Give me a beer, and I'll have a lawyer for
768 A man who keeps stealing mopeds is an obvious cycle-path.
769 A man pleaded innocent of any wrong doing when caught by the police
770 during a raid at the home of a mobster, excusing himself by claiming that he
771 was making a bolt for the door.
772 A farm in the country side had several turkeys, it was known as the
773 house of seven gobbles.
774 A man was reading The Canterbury Tales one Saturday morning, when his
775 wife asked "What have you got there?" Replied he, "Just my cup and Chaucer."
776 A women was in love with fourteen soldiers, it was clearly platoonic.
777 Max told his friend that he'd just as soon not go hiking in the hills.
778 Said he, "I'm an anti-climb Max."
780 A manager asked a programmer how long it would take him to finish the
781 program on which he was working. "I will be finished tomorrow," the programmer
783 "I think you are being unrealistic," said the manager. "Truthfully,
784 how long will it take?"
785 The programmer thought for a moment. "I have some features that I wish
786 to add. This will take at least two weeks," he finally said.
787 "Even that is too much to expect," insisted the manager, "I will be
788 satisfied if you simply tell me when the program is complete."
789 The programmer agreed to this.
790 Several years slated, the manager retired. On the way to his
791 retirement lunch, he discovered the programmer asleep at his terminal.
792 He had been programming all night.
793 -- Geoffrey James, "The Tao of Programming"
795 A manager was about to be fired, but a programmer who worked for him
796 invented a new program that became popular and sold well. As a result, the
797 manager retained his job.
798 The manager tried to give the programmer a bonus, but the programmer
799 refused it, saying, "I wrote the program because I though it was an interesting
800 concept, and thus I expect no reward."
801 The manager, upon hearing this, remarked, "This programmer, though he
802 holds a position of small esteem, understands well the proper duty of an
803 employee. Lets promote him to the exalted position of management consultant!"
804 But when told this, the programmer once more refused, saying, "I exist
805 so that I can program. If I were promoted, I would do nothing but waste
806 everyone's time. Can I go now? I have a program that I'm working on."
807 -- Geoffrey James, "The Tao of Programming"
809 A manager went to the master programmer and showed him the requirements
810 document for a new application. The manager asked the master: "How long will
811 it take to design this system if I assign five programmers to it?"
812 "It will take one year," said the master promptly.
813 "But we need this system immediately or even sooner! How long will it
814 take it I assign ten programmers to it?"
815 The master programmer frowned. "In that case, it will take two years."
816 "And what if I assign a hundred programmers to it?"
817 The master programmer shrugged. "Then the design will never be
819 -- Geoffrey James, "The Tao of Programming"
821 A manager went to his programmers and told them: "As regards to your
822 work hours: you are going to have to come in at nine in the morning and leave
823 at five in the afternoon." At this, all of them became angry and several
824 resigned on the spot.
825 So the manager said: "All right, in that case you may set your own
826 working hours, as long as you finish your projects on schedule." The
827 programmers, now satisfied, began to come in a noon and work to the wee
828 hours of the morning.
829 -- Geoffrey James, "The Tao of Programming"
831 A master programmer passed a novice programmer one day. The master
832 noted the novice's preoccupation with a hand-held computer game. "Excuse me",
833 he said, "may I examine it?"
834 The novice bolted to attention and handed the device to the master.
835 "I see that the device claims to have three levels of play: Easy, Medium,
836 and Hard", said the master. "Yet every such device has another level of play,
837 where the device seeks not to conquer the human, nor to be conquered by the
839 "Pray, great master," implored the novice, "how does one find this
841 The master dropped the device to the ground and crushed it under foot.
842 And suddenly the novice was enlightened.
843 -- Geoffrey James, "The Tao of Programming"
845 A master was explaining the nature of Tao to one of his novices.
846 "The Tao is embodied in all software -- regardless of how insignificant,"
848 "Is the Tao in a hand-held calculator?" asked the novice.
849 "It is," came the reply.
850 "Is the Tao in a video game?" continued the novice.
851 "It is even in a video game," said the master.
852 "And is the Tao in the DOS for a personal computer?"
853 The master coughed and shifted his position slightly. "The lesson
854 is over for today," he said.
855 -- Geoffrey James, "The Tao of Programming"
859 Aesop's fables and other traditional children's stories involve allegory
860 far too subtle for the youth of today. Children need an updated message
861 with contemporary circumstance and plot line, and short enough to suit
862 today's minute attention span.
864 The Troubled Aardvark
866 Once upon a time, there was an aardvark whose only pleasure in life was
867 driving from his suburban bungalow to his job at a large brokerage house
868 in his brand new 4x4. He hated his manipulative boss, his conniving and
869 unethical co-workers, his greedy wife, and his snivelling, spoiled
870 children. One day, the aardvark reflected on the meaning of his life and
871 his career and on the unchecked, catastrophic decline of his nation, its
872 pathetic excuse for leadership, and the complete ineffectiveness of any
873 personal effort he could make to change the status quo. Overcome by a
874 wave of utter depression and self-doubt, he decided to take the only
875 course of action that would bring him greater comfort and happiness: he
876 drove to the mall and bought imported consumer electronics goods.
878 MORAL OF THE STORY: Invest in foreign consumer electronics manufacturers.
881 A musician of more ambition than talent composed an elegy at
882 the death of composer Edward MacDowell. She played the elegy for the
883 pianist Josef Hoffman, then asked his opinion. "Well, it's quite
884 nice," he replied, but don't you think it would be better if..."
885 "If what?" asked the composer.
886 "If ... if you had died and MacDowell had written the elegy?"
888 A novel approach is to remove all power from the system, which
889 removes most system overhead so that resources can be fully devoted to
890 doing nothing. Benchmarks on this technique are promising; tremendous
891 amounts of nothing can be produced in this manner. Certain hardware
892 limitations can limit the speed of this method, especially in the
893 larger systems which require a more involved & less efficient
895 An alternate approach is to pull the main breaker for the
896 building, which seems to provide even more nothing, but in truth has
897 bugs in it, since it usually inhibits the systems which keep the beer
900 A novice asked the Master: "Here is a programmer that never designs,
901 documents, or tests his programs. Yet all who know him consider him one of
902 the best programmers in the world. Why is this?"
903 The Master replies: "That programmer has mastered the Tao. He has
904 gone beyond the need for design; he does not become angry when the system
905 crashes, but accepts the universe without concern. He has gone beyond the
906 need for documentation; he no longer cares if anyone else sees his code. He
907 has gone beyond the need for testing; each of his programs are perfect within
908 themselves, serene and elegant, their purpose self-evident. Truly, he has
909 entered the mystery of the Tao."
910 -- Geoffrey James, "The Tao of Programming"
912 A novice asked the master: "I have a program that sometimes runs and
913 sometimes aborts. I have followed the rules of programming, yet I am totally
914 baffled. What is the reason for this?"
915 The master replied: "You are confused because you do not understand
916 the Tao. Only a fool expects rational behavior from his fellow humans. Why
917 do you expect it from a machine that humans have constructed? Computers
918 simulate determinism; only the Tao is perfect.
919 The rules of programming are transitory; only the Tao is eternal.
920 Therefore you must contemplate the Tao before you receive enlightenment."
921 "But how will I know when I have received enlightenment?" asked the
923 "Your program will then run correctly," replied the master.
924 -- Geoffrey James, "The Tao of Programming"
926 A novice asked the master: "I perceive that one computer company is
927 much larger than all others. It towers above its competition like a giant
928 among dwarfs. Any one of its divisions could comprise an entire business.
930 The master replied, "Why do you ask such foolish questions? That
931 company is large because it is so large. If it only made hardware, nobody
932 would buy it. If it only maintained systems, people would treat it like a
933 servant. But because it combines all of these things, people think it one
934 of the gods! By not seeking to strive, it conquers without effort."
935 -- Geoffrey James, "The Tao of Programming"
937 A novice asked the master: "In the east there is a great tree-structure
938 that men call 'Corporate Headquarters'. It is bloated out of shape with
939 vice-presidents and accountants. It issues a multitude of memos, each saying
940 'Go, Hence!' or 'Go, Hither!' and nobody knows what is meant. Every year new
941 names are put onto the branches, but all to no avail. How can such an
942 unnatural entity exist?"
943 The master replies: "You perceive this immense structure and are
944 disturbed that it has no rational purpose. Can you not take amusement from
945 its endless gyrations? Do you not enjoy the untroubled ease of programming
946 beneath its sheltering branches? Why are you bothered by its uselessness?"
947 -- Geoffrey James, "The Tao of Programming"
949 A novice programmer was once assigned to code a simple financial
951 The novice worked furiously for many days, but when his master
952 reviewed his program, he discovered that it contained a screen editor, a set
953 of generalized graphics routines, and artificial intelligence interface,
954 but not the slightest mention of anything financial.
955 When the master asked about this, the novice became indignant.
956 "Don't be so impatient," he said, "I'll put the financial stuff in eventually."
957 -- Geoffrey James, "The Tao of Programming"
959 A novice was trying to fix a broken lisp machine by turning the
960 power off and on. Knight, seeing what the student was doing spoke sternly,
961 "You cannot fix a machine by just power-cycling it with no understanding
962 of what is going wrong." Knight turned the machine off and on. The
965 A Pole, a Soviet, an American, an Englishman and a Canadian were lost
966 in a forest in the dead of winter. As they were sitting around a fire, they
967 noticed a pack of wolves eyeing them hungrily.
968 The Englishman volunteered to sacrifice himself for the rest of the
969 party. He walked out into the night.
970 The American, not wanting to be outdone by an Englishman, offered to
971 be the next victim. The wolves eagerly accepted his offer, and devoured him,
973 The Soviet, believing himself to be better than any American, turned
974 to the Pole and says, "Well, comrade, I shall volunteer to give my life to
975 save a fellow socialist." He leaves the shelter and goes out to be killed by
977 At this point, the Pole opened his jacket and pulls out a machine gun.
978 He takes aim in the general direction of the wolf pack and in a few seconds
980 The Canadian asked the Pole, "Why didn't you do that before the others
981 went out to be killed?
982 The Pole pulls a bottle of vodka from the other side of his jacket.
983 He smiles and replies, "Five men on one bottle -- too many."
985 A priest was walking along the cliffs at Dover when he came upon
986 two locals pulling another man ashore on the end of a rope. "That's what
987 I like to see", said the priest, "A man helping his fellow man".
988 As he was walking away, one local remarked to the other, "Well,
989 he sure doesn't know the first thing about shark fishing."
991 A program should be light and agile, its subroutines connected like a
992 strings of pearls. The spirit and intent of the program should be retained
993 throughout. There should be neither too little nor too much, neither needless
994 loops nor useless variables, neither lack of structure nor overwhelming
996 A program should follow the 'Law of Least Astonishment'. What is this
997 law? It is simply that the program should always respond to the user in the
998 way that astonishes him least.
999 A program, no matter how complex, should act as a single unit. The
1000 program should be directed by the logic within rather than by outward
1002 If the program fails in these requirements, it will be in a state of
1003 disorder and confusion. The only way to correct this is to rewrite the
1005 -- Geoffrey James, "The Tao of Programming"
1007 A programmer from a very large computer company went to a software
1008 conference and then returned to report to his manager, saying: "What sort
1009 of programmers work for other companies? They behaved badly and were
1010 unconcerned with appearances. Their hair was long and unkempt and their
1011 clothes were wrinkled and old. They crashed our hospitality suites and they
1012 made rude noises during my presentation."
1013 The manager said: "I should have never sent you to the conference.
1014 Those programmers live beyond the physical world. They consider life absurd,
1015 an accidental coincidence. They come and go without knowing limitations.
1016 Without a care, they live only for their programs. Why should they bother
1017 with social conventions?"
1018 "They are alive within the Tao."
1019 -- Geoffrey James, "The Tao of Programming"
1021 A ranger was walking through the forest and encountered a hunter
1022 carrying a shotgun and a dead loon. "What in the world do you think you're
1023 doing? Don't you know that the loon is on the endangered species list?"
1024 Instead of answering, the hunter showed the ranger his game bag,
1025 which contained twelve more loons.
1026 "Why would you shoot loons?", the ranger asked.
1027 "Well, my family eats them and I sell the plumage."
1028 "What's so special about a loon? What does it taste like?"
1029 "Oh, somewhere between an American Bald Eagle and a Trumpeter Swan."
1031 A reader reports that when the patient died, the attending doctor
1032 recorded the following on the patient's chart: "Patient failed to fulfill
1033 his wellness potential."
1035 Another doctor reports that in a recent issue of the *American Journal
1036 of Family Practice* fleas were called "hematophagous arthropod vectors."
1038 A reader reports that the Army calls them "vertically deployed anti-
1039 personnel devices." You probably call them bombs.
1041 At McClellan Air Force base in Sacramento, California, civilian
1042 mechanics were placed on "non-duty, non-pay status." That is, they were fired.
1044 After taking the trip of a lifetime, our reader sent his twelve rolls
1045 of film to Kodak for developing (or "processing," as Kodak likes to call it)
1046 only to receive the following notice: "We must report that during the handling
1047 of your twelve 35mm Kodachrome slide orders, the films were involved in an
1048 unusual laboratory experience." The use of the passive is a particularly nice
1049 touch, don't you think? Nobody did anything to the films; they just had a bad
1050 experience. Of course our reader can always go back to Tibet and take his
1051 pictures all over again, using the twelve replacement rolls Kodak so generously
1053 -- Quarterly Review of Doublespeak (NCTE)
1055 A reverend wanted to telephone another reverend. He told the operator,
1056 "This is a parson to parson call."
1057 A farmer with extremely prolific hens posted the following sign. "Free
1058 Chickens. Our Coop Runneth Over."
1059 Two brothers, Mort and Bill, like to sail. While Bill has a great
1060 deal of experience, he certainly isn't the rigger Mort is.
1061 Inheritance taxes are getting so out of line, that the deceased family
1062 often doesn't have a legacy to stand on.
1063 The judge fined the jaywalker fifty dollars and told him if he was
1064 caught again, he would be thrown in jail. Fine today, cooler tomorrow.
1065 A rock store eventually closed down; they were taking too much for
1068 A Scotsman was strolling across High Street one day wearing his kilt.
1069 As he neared the far curb, he noticed two young blondes in a red convertible
1070 eyeing him and giggling. One of them called out, "Hey, Scotty! What's worn
1072 He strolled over to the side of the car and asked, "Ach, lass, are you
1073 SURE you want to know?" Somewhat nervously, the blonde replied yes, she did
1074 really want to know.
1075 The Scotsman leaned closer and confided, "Why, lass, nothing's worn
1076 under the kilt, everything's in perfect workin' order!"
1078 A sheet of paper crossed my desk the other day and as I read it,
1079 realization of a basic truth came over me. So simple! So obvious we couldn't
1080 see it. John Knivlen, Chairman of Polamar Repeater Club, an amateur radio
1081 group, had discovered how IC circuits work. He says that smoke is the thing
1082 that makes ICs work because every time you let the smoke out of an IC circuit,
1083 it stops working. He claims to have verified this with thorough testing.
1084 I was flabbergasted! Of course! Smoke makes all things electrical
1085 work. Remember the last time smoke escaped from your Lucas voltage regulator
1086 Didn't it quit working? I sat and smiled like an idiot as more of the truth
1087 dawned. It's the wiring harness that carries the smoke from one device to
1088 another in your Mini, MG or Jag. And when the harness springs a leak, it lets
1089 the smoke out of everything at once, and then nothing works. The starter motor
1090 requires large quantities of smoke to operate properly, and that's why the wire
1091 going to it is so large.
1092 Feeling very smug, I continued to expand my hypothesis. Why are Lucas
1093 electronics more likely to leak than say Bosch? Hmmm... Aha!!! Lucas is
1094 British, and all things British leak! British convertible tops leak water,
1095 British engines leak oil, British displacer units leak hydrostatic fluid, and
1096 I might add British tires leak air, and the British defense unit leaks
1097 secrets... so naturally British electronics leak smoke.
1098 -- Jack Banton, PCC Automotive Electrical School
1100 A shy teenage boy finally worked up the nerve to give a gift to
1101 Madonna, a young puppy. It hitched its waggin' to a star.
1102 A girl spent a couple hours on the phone talking to her two best
1103 friends, Maureen Jones, and Maureen Brown. When asked by her father why she
1104 had been on the phone so long, she responded "I heard a funny story today
1105 and I've been telling it to the Maureens."
1106 Three actors, Tom, Fred, and Cec, wanted to do the jousting scene
1107 from Don Quixote for a local TV show. "I'll play the title role," proposed
1108 Tom. "Fred can portray Sancho Panza, and Cecil B. De Mille."
1110 A woman was married to a golfer. One day she asked, "If I were
1111 to die, would you remarry?"
1112 After some thought, the man replied, "Yes, I've been very happy in
1113 this marriage and I would want to be this happy again."
1114 The wife asked, "Would you give your new wife my car?"
1115 "Yes," he replied. "That's a good car and it runs well."
1116 "Well, would you live in this house?"
1117 "Yes, it is a lovely house and you have decorated it beautifully.
1118 I've always loved it here."
1119 "Well, would you give her my golf clubs?"
1122 "She's left handed."
1124 A young honeymoon couple were touring southern Florida and happened
1125 to stop at one of the rattlesnake farms along the road. After seeing the
1126 sights, they engaged in small talk with the man that handled the snakes.
1127 "Gosh!" exclaimed the new bride. "You certainly have a dangerous job.
1128 Don't you ever get bitten by the snakes?"
1129 "Yes, upon rare occasions," answered the handler.
1130 "Well," she continued, "just what do you do when you're bitten by
1132 "I always carry a razor-sharp knife in my pocket, and as soon as I
1133 am bitten, I make deep criss-cross marks across the fang entry and then
1134 suck the poison from the wound."
1135 "What, uh... what would happen if you were to accidentally *sit* on
1136 a rattler?" persisted the woman.
1137 "Ma'am," answered the snake handler, "that will be the day I learn
1138 who my real friends are."
1140 A young married couple had their first child. Their original pride
1141 and joy slowly turned to concern however, for after a couple of years the
1142 child had never uttered any form of speech. They hired the best speech
1143 therapists, doctors, psychiatrists, all to no avail. The child simply refused
1144 to speak. One morning when the child was five, while the husband was reading
1145 the paper, and the wife was feeding the dog, the little kid looks up from
1146 his bowl and said, "My cereal's cold."
1147 The couple is stunned. The man, in tears, confronts his son. "Son,
1148 after all these years, why have you waited so long to say something?".
1149 Shrugs the kid, "Everything's been okay 'til now".
1152 Das machine is nicht fur gefingerpoken und mittengrabben. Ist easy
1153 schnappen der springenwerk, blowenfusen und corkenpoppen mit
1154 spitzensparken. Ist nicht fur gewerken by das dummkopfen. Das
1155 rubbernecken sightseeren keepen hands in das pockets. Relaxen und
1156 vatch das blinkenlights!!!
1158 After sifting through the overwritten remaining blocks of Luke's home
1159 directory, Luke and PDP-1 sped away from /u/lars, across the surface of the
1160 Winchester riding Luke's flying read/write head. PDP-1 had Luke stop at the
1161 edge of the cylinder overlooking /usr/spool/uucp.
1162 "Unix-to-Unix Copy Program;" said PDP-1. "You will never find a more
1163 wretched hive of bugs and flamers. We must be cautious."
1166 After the Children of Israel had wandered for thirty-nine years in
1167 the wilderness, Ferdinand Feghoot arrived to make sure that they
1168 would finally find and enter the Promised Land. With him, he brought his
1169 favorite robot, faithful old Yewtoo Artoo, to carry his gear and do assorted
1171 The Israelites soon got over their initial fear of the robot and,
1172 as the months passed, became very fond of him. Patriarchs took to
1173 discussing abstruse theological problems with him, and each evening the
1174 children all gathered to hear the many stories with which he was programmed.
1175 Therefore it came as a great shock to them when, just as their journey was
1176 ending, he abruptly wore out. Even Feghoot couldn't console them.
1177 "It may be true, Ferdinand Feghoot," said Moses, "that our friend
1178 Yewtoo Artoo was soulless, but we cannot believe it. He must be properly
1179 interred. We cannot embalm him as do the Egyptians. Nor have we wood for
1180 a coffin. But I do have a most splendid skin from one of Pharoah's own
1181 cattle. We shall bury him in it."
1182 Feghoot agreed. "Yes, let this be his last rusting place." "Rusting?"
1183 Moses cried. "Not in this dreadful dry desert!"
1184 "Ah!" sighed Ferdinand Feghoot, shedding a tear, "I fear you do not
1185 realize the full significance of Pharoah's oxhide!"
1186 -- Grendel Briarton "Through Time & Space With Ferdinand
1189 After watching an extremely attractive maternity-ward patient
1190 earnestly thumbing her way through a telephone directory for several
1191 minutes, a hospital orderly finally asked if he could be of some help.
1192 "No, thanks," smiled the young mother, "I'm just looking for a
1194 "But the hospital supplies a special booklet that lists hundreds
1195 of first names and their meanings," said the orderly.
1196 "That won't help," said the woman, "my baby already has a first
1199 All that you touch, And all you create,
1200 All that you see, And all you destroy,
1201 All that you taste, All that you do,
1202 All you feel, And all you say,
1203 And all that you love, All that you eat,
1204 And all that you hate, And everyone you meet,
1205 All you distrust, All that you slight,
1206 All you save, And everyone you fight,
1207 And all that you give, And all that is now,
1208 And all that you deal, And all that is gone,
1209 All that you buy, And all that's to come,
1210 Beg, borrow or steal, And everything under the sun is
1212 But the sun is eclipsed
1215 There is no dark side of the moon... really... matter of fact it's all dark.
1216 -- Pink Floyd, "Dark Side of the Moon"
1218 America, Russia and Japan are sending up a two year shuttle mission
1219 with one astronaut from each country. Since it's going to be two long, lonely
1220 years up there, each may bring any form of entertainment weighing 150 pounds
1221 or less. The American approaches the NASA board and asks to take his 125 lb.
1223 The Japanese astronaut says, "I've always wanted to learn Latin. I
1224 want 100 lbs. of textbooks." The NASA board approves. The Russian astronaut
1225 thinks for a second and says, "Two years... all right, I want 150 pounds of
1226 the best Cuban cigars ever made." Again, NASA okays it.
1227 Two years later, the shuttle lands and everyone is gathered outside
1228 to welcome back the astronauts. Well, it's obvious what the American's been
1229 up to, he and his wife are each holding an infant. The crowd cheers. The
1230 Japanese astronaut steps out and makes a 10 minute speech in absolutely
1231 perfect Latin. The crowd doesn't understand a word of it, but they're
1232 impressed and they cheer again. The Russian astronaut stomps out, clenches
1233 the podium until his knuckles turn white, glares at the first row and
1234 screams: "Anybody got a match?"
1236 An architect's first work is apt to be spare and clean. He
1237 knows he doesn't know what he's doing, so he does it carefully
1238 and with great restraint.
1239 As he designs the first work, frill after frill and
1240 embellishment after embellishment occur to him. These get stored away
1241 to be used "next time." Sooner or later the first system is finished,
1242 and the architect, with firm confidence and a demonstrated mastery of
1243 that class of systems, is ready to build a second system.
1244 This second is the most dangerous system a man ever designs.
1245 When he does his third and later ones, his prior experiences will
1246 confirm each other as to the general characteristics of such systems,
1247 and their differences will identify those parts of his experience that
1248 are particular and not generalizable.
1249 The general tendency is to over-design the second system, using
1250 all the ideas and frills that were cautiously sidetracked on the first
1251 one. The result, as Ovid says, is a "big pile."
1252 -- Frederick Brooks, "The Mythical Man Month"
1254 An architect's first work is apt to be spare and clean. He knows
1255 he doesn't know what he's doing, so he does it carefully and with great
1257 As he designs the first work, frill after frill and embellishment
1258 after embellishment occur to him. These get stored away to be used "next
1259 time". Sooner or later the first system is finished, and the architect,
1260 with firm confidence and a demonstrated mastery of that class of systems,
1261 is ready to build a second system.
1262 This second is the most dangerous system a man ever designs. When
1263 he does his third and later ones, his prior experiences will confirm each
1264 other as to the general characteristics of such systems, and their differences
1265 will identify those parts of his experience that are particular and not
1267 The general tendency is to over-design the second system, using all
1268 the ideas and frills that were cautiously sidetracked on the first one.
1269 The result, as Ovid says, is a "big pile".
1271 An eighty-year-old woman is rocking away the afternoon on her
1272 porch when she sees an old, tarnished lamp sitting near the steps. She
1273 picks it up, rubs it gently, and lo and behold a genie appears! The genie
1274 tells the woman the he will grant her any three wishes her heart desires.
1275 After a bit of thought, she says, "I wish I were young and
1276 beautiful!" And POOF! In a cloud of smoke she becomes a young, beautiful,
1278 After a little more thought, she says, "I would like to be rich
1279 for the rest of my life." And POOF! When the smoke clears, there are
1280 stacks and stacks of money lying on the porch.
1281 The genie then says, "Now, madam, what is your final wish?"
1282 "Well," says the woman, "I would like for you to transform my
1283 faithful old cat, whom I have loved dearly for fifteen years, into a young
1285 And with another billow of smoke the cat is changed into a tall,
1286 handsome, young man, with dark hair, dressed in a dashing uniform.
1287 As they gaze at each other in adoration, the prince leans over to
1288 the woman and whispers into her ear, "Now, aren't you sorry you had me
1291 An elderly man stands in line for hours at a Warsaw meat store (meat
1292 is severely rationed). When the butcher comes out at the end of the day and
1293 announces that there is no meat left, the man flies into a rage.
1294 "What is this?" he shouts. "I fought against the Nazis, I worked hard
1295 all my life, I've been a loyal citizen, and now you tell me I can't even buy a
1296 piece of meat? This rotten system stinks!"
1297 Suddenly a thuggish man in a black leather coat sidles up and murmurs
1298 "Take it easy, comrade. Remember what would have happened if you had made an
1299 outburst like that only a few years ago" -- and he points an imaginary gun to
1300 this head and pulls the trigger.
1301 The old man goes home, and his wife says, "So they're out of meat
1303 "It's worse than that," he replies. "They're out of bullets."
1304 -- making the rounds in Warsaw, 1987
1306 An Englishman, a Frenchman and an American are captured by cannibals.
1307 The leader of the tribe comes up to them and says, "Even though you are about
1308 to killed, your deaths will not be in vain. Every part of your body will be
1309 used. Your flesh will be eaten, for my people are hungry. Your hair will be
1310 woven into clothing, for my people are naked. Your bones will be ground up
1311 and made into medicine, for my people are sick. Your skin will be stretched
1312 over canoe frames, for my people need transportation. We are a fair people,
1313 and we offer you a chance to kill yourself with our ceremonial knife."
1314 The Englishman accepts the knife and yells, "God Save the Queen",
1315 while plunging the knife into his heart.
1316 The Frenchman removes the knife from the fallen body, and yells,
1317 "Vive la France", while plunging the knife into his heart.
1318 The American removes the knife from the fallen body, and yells,
1319 while stabbing himself all over his body, "Here's your lousy canoe!"
1321 An older student came to Otis and said, "I have been to see a
1322 great number of teachers and I have given up a great number of pleasures.
1323 I have fasted, been celibate and stayed awake nights seeking enlightenment.
1324 I have given up everything I was asked to give up and I have suffered, but
1325 I have not been enlightened. What should I do?"
1326 Otis replied, "Give up suffering."
1327 -- Camden Benares, "Zen Without Zen Masters"
1329 And St. Attila raised the hand grenade up on high saying "O Lord
1330 bless this thy hand grenade that with it thou mayest blow thine enemies
1331 to tiny bits, in thy mercy" and the Lord did grin and the people did feast
1332 upon the lambs and sloths and carp and anchovies and orang-utangs and
1333 breakfast cereals and fruit bats and...
1334 (skip a bit brother...)
1335 Er ... oh, yes ... and the Lord spake, saying "First shalt thou
1336 take out the Holy Pin, then shalt thou count to three, no more, no less.
1337 Three shall be the number thou shalt count, and the number of the count
1338 shall be three. Four shalt thou not count neither count thou two, excepting
1339 that thou then proceed to three. Five is right out. Once the number
1340 three, being the third number, be reached then lobbest thou thy Holy Hand
1341 Grenade of Antioch towards thy foe, who being naught in my sight, shall
1343 -- Monty Python, "The Book of Armaments"
1345 "And what will you do when you grow up to be as big as me?"
1346 asked the father of his little son.
1349 "Anything else, sir?" asked the attentive bellhop, trying his best
1350 to make the lady and gentleman comfortable in their penthouse suite in the
1352 "No. No, thank you," replied the gentleman.
1353 "Anything for your wife, sir?" the bellhop asked.
1354 "Why, yes, young man," said the gentleman. "Would you bring me
1357 "Anything else you wish to draw to my attention, Mr. Holmes ?"
1358 "The curious incident of the stable dog in the nighttime."
1359 "But the dog did nothing in the nighttime."
1360 "That was the curious incident."
1361 -- Sir Arthur Conan Doyle, "Silver Blaze"
1363 Approaching the gates of the monastery, Hakuin found Ken the Zen
1364 preaching to a group of disciples.
1365 "Words..." Ken orated, "they are but an illusory veil obfuscating
1366 the absolute reality of --"
1367 "Ken!" Hakuin interrupted. "Your fly is down!"
1368 Whereupon the Clear Light of Illumination exploded upon Ken, and he
1370 On the way to town, Hakuin was greeted by an itinerant monk imbued
1371 with the spirit of the morning.
1372 "Ah," the monk sighed, a beatific smile wrinkling across his cheeks,
1374 "Ah," Hakuin replied, pointing excitedly, "And Thou art Fat!"
1375 Whereupon the Clear Light of Illumination exploded upon the monk,
1377 Next, the Governor sought the advice of Hakuin, crying: "As our
1378 enemies bear down upon us, how shall I, with such heartless and callow
1379 soldiers as I am heir to, hope to withstand the impending onslaught?"
1380 "US?" snapped Hakuin.
1381 Whereupon the Clear Light of Illumination exploded upon the
1382 Governor, and he vaporized.
1383 Then, a redneck went up to Hakuin and vaporized the old Master with
1384 his shotgun. "Ha! Beat ya' to the punchline, ya' scrawny li'l geek!"
1386 As a general rule of thumb, never trust anybody who's been in therapy
1387 for more than 15 percent of their life span. The words "I am sorry" and "I
1388 am wrong" will have totally disappeared from their vocabulary. They will stab
1389 you, shoot you, break things in your apartment, say horrible things to your
1390 friends and family, and then justify this abhorrent behavior by saying:
1391 "Sure, I put your dog in the microwave. But I feel *better*
1393 -- Bruce Feirstein, "Nice Guys Sleep Alone"
1395 At a recent meeting in Snowmass, Colorado, a participant from
1396 Los Angeles fainted from hyperoxygenation, and we had to hold his head
1397 under the exhaust of a bus until he revived.
1399 Before he became a hermit, Zarathud was a young Priest, and
1400 took great delight in making fools of his opponents in front of
1402 One day Zarathud took his students to a pleasant pasture and
1403 there he confronted The Sacred Chao while She was contentedly grazing.
1404 "Tell me, you dumb beast," demanded the Priest in his
1405 commanding voice, "why don't you do something worthwhile? What is your
1406 Purpose in Life, anyway?"
1407 Munching the tasty grass, The Sacred Chao replied "MU". (The
1408 Chinese ideogram for NO-THING.)
1409 Upon hearing this, absolutely nobody was enlightened.
1410 Primarily because nobody understood Chinese.
1411 -- Camden Benares, "Zen Without Zen Masters"
1416 santa claus < north pole > town
1418 cat /etc/passwd > list
1421 cat list | grep naughty > nogiftlist
1422 cat list | grep nice > giftlist
1423 santa claus < north pole > town
1427 who | grep bad || good
1428 for (goodness sake) {
1432 Brian Kernighan has an automobile which he helped design.
1433 Unlike most automobiles, it has neither speedometer, nor gas gauge, nor
1434 any of the numerous idiot lights which plague the modern driver.
1435 Rather, if the driver makes any mistake, a giant "?" lights up in the
1436 center of the dashboard. "The experienced driver", he says, "will
1437 usually know what's wrong."
1439 Bubba, Jim Bob, and Leroy were fishing out on the lake last November,
1440 and, when Bubba tipped his head back to empty the Jim Beam, he fell out of the
1441 boat into the lake. Jim Bob and Leroy pulled him back in, but as Bubba didn't
1442 look too good, they started up the Evinrude and headed back to the pier.
1443 By the time they got there, Bubba was turning kind of blue, and his
1444 teeth were chattering like all get out. Jim Bob said, "Leroy, go run up to
1445 the pickup and get Doc Pritchard on the CB, and ask him what we should do".
1446 Doc Pritchard, after hearing a description of the case, said "Now,
1447 Leroy, listen closely. Bubba is in great danger. He has hy-po-thermia. Now
1448 what you need to do is get all them wet clothes off of Bubba, and take your
1449 clothes off, and pile your clothes and jackets on top of him. Then you all
1450 get under that pile, and hug up to Bubba real close so that you warm him up.
1451 You understand me Leroy? You gotta warm Bubba up, or he'll die."
1452 Leroy and the Doc 10-4'ed each other, and Leroy came back to the
1453 pier. "Wh-Wh-What'd th-th-the d-d-doc s-s-say L-L-Leroy?", Bubba chattered.
1454 "Bubba, Doc says you're gonna die."
1456 By the middle 1880's, practically all the roads except those in
1457 the South, were of the present standard gauge. The southern roads were
1458 still five feet between rails.
1459 It was decided to change the gauge of all southern roads to standard,
1460 in one day. This remarkable piece of work was carried out on a Sunday in May
1461 of 1886. For weeks beforehand, shops had been busy pressing wheels in on the
1462 axles to the new and narrower gauge, to have a supply of rolling stock which
1463 could run on the new track as soon as it was ready. Finally, on the day set,
1464 great numbers of gangs of track layers went to work at dawn. Everywhere one
1465 rail was loosened, moved in three and one-half inches, and spiked down in its
1466 new position. By dark, trains from anywhere in the United States could operate
1467 over the tracks in the South, and a free interchange of freight cars everywhere
1469 -- Robert Henry, "Trains", 1957
1471 Carol's head ached as she trailed behind the unsmiling Calibrees
1472 along the block of booths. She chirruped at Kennicott, "Let's be wild!
1473 Let's ride on the merry-go-round and grab a gold ring!"
1474 Kennicott considered it, and mumbled to Calibree, "Think you folks
1475 would like to stop and try a ride on the merry-go-round?"
1476 Calibree considered it, and mumbled to his wife, "Think you'd like
1477 to stop and try a ride on the merry-go-round?"
1478 Mrs. Calibree smiled in a washed-out manner, and sighed, "Oh no,
1479 I don't believe I care to much, but you folks go ahead and try it."
1480 Calibree stated to Kennicott, "No, I don't believe we care to a
1481 whole lot, but you folks go ahead and try it."
1482 Kennicott summarized the whole case against wildness: "Let's try
1483 it some other time, Carrie."
1485 -- Sinclair Lewis, "Main Street"
1488 Due to the convergence of forces beyond his comprehension,
1489 Salvatore Quanucci was suddenly squirted out of the universe
1490 like a watermelon seed, and never heard from again.
1492 Concerning the war in Vietnam, Senator George Aiken of Vermount noted
1493 in January, 1966, "I'm not very keen for doves or hawks. I think we need more
1495 -- Bill Adler, "The Washington Wits"
1498 (heard in Rutledge, Missouri, about eighteen years ago)
1500 Now, this dog is for sale, and she can not only follow a trail twice as
1501 old as the average dog can, but she's got a pretty good memory to boot.
1502 For instance, last week this old boy who lives down the road from me, and
1503 is forever stinkmouthing my hounds, brought some city fellow around to
1504 try out ol' Sis here. So I turned her out south of the house and she made
1505 two or three big swings back and forth across the edge of the woods, set
1506 back her head, bayed a couple of times, cut straight through the woods,
1507 come to a little clearing, jumped about three foot straight up in the air,
1508 run to the other side, and commenced to letting out a racket like she had
1509 something treed. We went over there with our flashlights and shone them
1510 up in the tree but couldn't catch no shine offa coon's eyes, and my
1511 neighbor sorta indicated that ol' Sis might be a little crazy, `cause she
1512 stood right to the tree and kept singing up into it. So I pulled off my
1513 coat and climbed up into the branches, and sure enough, there was a coon
1514 skeleton wedged in between a couple of branches about twenty foot up.
1515 Now as I was saying, she can follow a pretty old trail, but this fellow
1516 was still calling her crazy or touched `cause she had hopped up in the
1517 air while she was crossing the clearing, until I reminded him that the
1518 Hawkins' had a fence across there about five years back. Now, this dog
1520 -- News that stayed News: Ten Years of Coevolution Quarterly
1522 Cosmotronic Software Unlimited Inc. does not warrant that the
1523 functions contained in the program will meet your requirements or that
1524 the operation of the program will be uninterrupted or error-free.
1525 However, Cosmotronic Software Unlimited Inc. warrants the
1526 diskette(s) on which the program is furnished to be of black color and
1527 square shape under normal use for a period of ninety (90) days from the
1529 NOTE: IN NO EVENT WILL COSMOTRONIC SOFTWARE UNLIMITED OR ITS
1530 DISTRIBUTORS AND THEIR DEALERS BE LIABLE TO YOU FOR ANY DAMAGES, INCLUDING
1531 ANY LOST PROFIT, LOST SAVINGS, LOST PATIENCE OR OTHER INCIDENTAL OR
1532 CONSEQUENTIAL DAMAGES.
1533 -- Horstmann Software Design, the "ChiWriter" user manual
1535 Dallas Cowboys Official Schedule
1537 Sept 14 Pasadena Junior High
1538 Sept 21 Boy Scout Troop 049
1539 Sept 28 Blind Academy
1540 Sept 30 World War I Veterans
1541 Oct 5 Brownie Scout Troop 041
1542 Oct 12 Sugarcreek High Cheerleaders
1543 Oct 26 St. Thomas Boys Choir
1544 Nov 2 Texas City Vet Clinic
1545 Nov 9 Korean War Amputees
1546 Nov 15 VA Hospital Polio Patients
1548 "Darling," he breathed, "after making love I doubt if I'll
1549 be able to get over you -- so would you mind answering the phone?"
1551 "Darling," she whispered, "will you still love me after we are
1553 He considered this for a moment and then replied, "I think so.
1554 I've always been especially fond of married women."
1556 Deck us all with Boston Charlie,
1557 Walla Walla, Wash., an' Kalamazoo!
1558 Nora's freezin' on the trolley,
1559 Swaller dollar cauliflower, alleygaroo!
1561 Don't we know archaic barrel,
1562 Lullaby Lilla Boy, Louisville Lou.
1563 Trolley Molly don't love Harold,
1564 Boola boola Pensacoola hullabaloo!
1565 -- Pogo, "Deck Us All With Boston Charlie"
1567 Does anyone know how to get chocolate syrup and honey out of a
1568 white electric blanket? I'm afraid to wash it in the machine.
1570 Thanks, Kathy. (front desk, x17)
1572 p.s. Also, anyone ever used Noxema on friction burns?
1573 Or is Vaseline better?
1575 "Don't come back until you have him", the Tick-Tock Man said quietly,
1576 sincerely, extremely dangerously.
1577 They used dogs. They used probes. They used cardio plate crossoffs.
1578 They used teepers. They used bribery. They used stick tites. They used
1579 intimidation. They used torment. They used torture. They used finks.
1580 They used cops. They used search and seizure. They used fallaron. They
1581 used betterment incentives. They used finger prints. They used the
1582 bertillion system. They used cunning. They used guile. They used treachery.
1583 They used Raoul-Mitgong but he wasn't much help. They used applied physics.
1584 They used techniques of criminology. And what the hell, they caught him.
1585 -- Harlan Ellison, "Repent, Harlequin, said the Tick-Tock Man"
1587 Dr. Oliver Wendell Holmes of Harvard Medical School inhaled ether
1588 at a time when it was popularly supposed to produce such mystical or
1589 "mind-expanding" experiences, much as LSD is supposed to produce such
1590 experiences today. Here is his account of what happened:
1591 "I once inhaled a pretty full dose of ether, with the determination
1592 to put on record, at the earliest moment of regaining consciousness, the
1593 thought I should find uppermost in my mind. The mighty music of the triumphal
1594 march into nothingness reverberated through my brain, and filled me with a
1595 sense of infinite possibilities, which made me an archangel for a moment.
1596 The veil of eternity was lifted. The one great truth which underlies all
1597 human experience and is the key to all the mysteries that philosophy has
1598 sought in vain to solve, flashed upon me in a sudden revelation. Henceforth
1599 all was clear: a few words had lifted my intelligence to the level of the
1600 knowledge of the cherubim. As my natural condition returned, I remembered
1601 my resolution; and, staggering to my desk, I wrote, in ill-shaped, straggling
1602 characters, the all-embracing truth still glimmering in my consciousness.
1603 The words were these (children may smile; the wise will ponder):
1604 `A strong smell of turpentine prevails throughout.'"
1605 -- The Consumers Union Report: Licit & Illicit Drugs
1607 During a fight, a husband threw a bowl of Jello at his wife. She had
1608 him arrested for carrying a congealed weapon.
1609 In another fight, the wife decked him with a heavy glass pitcher.
1610 She's a women who conks to stupor.
1611 Upon reading a story about a man who throttled his mother-in-law, a
1612 man commented, "Sounds to me like a practical choker."
1613 It's not the initial skirt length, it's the upcreep.
1614 It's the theory of Jess Birnbaum, of Time magazine, that women with
1615 bad legs should stick to long skirts because they cover a multitude of shins.
1617 During a grouse hunt in North Carolina two intrepid sportsmen were
1618 blasting away at a clump of trees near a stone wall. Suddenly a red-face
1619 country squire popped his head over the wall and shouted, "Hey, you almost
1621 "Did I?" cried one hunter, aghast. "Terribly sorry. Have a shot
1622 at mine, over there."
1624 Eugene d'Albert, a noted German composer, was married six times.
1625 At an evening reception which he attended with his fifth wife shortly
1626 after their wedding, he presented the lady to a friend who said politely,
1627 "Congratulations, Herr d'Albert; you have rarely introduced me to so
1630 Everything is farther away than it used to be. It is even twice as
1631 far to the corner and they have added a hill. I have given up running for
1632 the bus; it leaves earlier than it used to.
1633 It seems to me they are making the stairs steeper than in the old
1634 days. And have you noticed the smaller print they use in the newspapers?
1635 There is no sense in asking anyone to read aloud anymore, as everybody
1636 speaks in such a low voice I can hardly hear them.
1637 The material in dresses is so skimpy now, especially around the hips
1638 and waist, that it is almost impossible to reach one's shoelaces. And the
1639 sizes don't run the way they used to. The 12's and 14's are so much smaller.
1640 Even people are changing. They are so much younger than they used to
1641 be when I was their age. On the other hand people my age are so much older
1643 I ran into an old classmate the other day and she has aged so much
1644 that she didn't recognize me.
1645 I got to thinking about the poor dear while I was combing my hair
1646 this morning and in so doing I glanced at my own reflection. Really now,
1647 they don't even make good mirrors like they used to.
1648 Sandy Frazier, "I Have Noticed"
1650 Excellence is THE trend of the '80s. Walk into any shopping
1651 mall bookstore, go to the rack where they keep the best-sellers such as
1652 "Garfield Gets Spayed", and you'll see a half-dozen books telling you
1653 how to be excellent: "In Search of Excellence", "Finding Excellence",
1654 "Grasping Hold of Excellence", "Where to Hide Your Excellence at Night
1655 So the Cleaning Personnel Don't Steal It", etc.
1656 -- Dave Barry, "In Search of Excellence"
1658 Exxon's 'Universe of Energy' tends to the peculiar rather than the
1659 humorous ... After [an incomprehensible film montage about wind and sun and
1660 rain and strip mines and] two or three minutes of mechanical confusion, the
1661 seats locomote through a short tunnel filled with clock-work dinosaurs.
1662 The dinosaurs are depicted without accuracy and too close to your face.
1663 "One of the few real novelties at Epcot is the use of smell to
1664 aggravate illusions. Of course, no one knows what dinosaurs smelled like,
1665 but Exxon has decided they smelled bad.
1666 "At the other end of Dino Ditch ... there's a final, very addled
1667 message about facing challengehood tomorrow-wise. I dozed off during this,
1668 but the import seems to be that dinosaurs don't have anything to do with
1669 energy policy and neither do you."
1670 -- P.J. O'Rourke, "Holidays in Hell"
1672 "Found it," the Mouse replied rather crossly:
1673 "of course you know what 'it' means."
1675 "I know what 'it' means well enough, when I find a thing,"
1676 said the Duck: "it's generally a frog or a worm.
1678 The question is, what did the archbishop find?"
1680 Four Oxford dons were taking their evening walk together and as
1681 usual, were engaged in casual but learned conversation. On this particular
1682 evening, their conversation was about the names given to groups of animals,
1683 such as a "pride of lions" or a "gaggle of geese."
1684 One of the professors noticed a group of prostitutes down the block,
1685 and posed the question, "What name would be given to that group?" The four
1686 fell into silence for a moment, as they pondered the possibilities...
1687 At last, one spoke: "How about 'a Jam of Tarts'?" The others nodded
1688 in acknowledgement as they continued to consider the problem. A second
1689 professor spoke: "I'd suggest 'an Essay of Trollops.'" Again, the others
1690 nodded. A third spoke: "I propose 'a Flourish of Strumpets.'"
1691 They continued their walk in silence, until the first professor
1692 remarked to the remaining professor, who was the most senior and learned of
1693 the four, "You haven't suggested a name for our ladies. What are your
1695 Replied the fourth professor, "'An Anthology of Prose.'"
1697 Fred noticed his roommate had a black eye upon returning from a dance.
1698 "What happened?" "I was struck by the beauty of the place."
1699 A pushy romeo asked a gorgeous elevator operator, "Don't all these
1700 stops and starts get you pretty worn out?" "It isn't the stops and starts
1701 that get on my nerves, it's the jerks."
1702 An airplane pilot got engaged to two very pretty women at the same
1703 time. One was named Edith; the other named Kate. They met, discovered they
1704 had the same fiancee, and told him. "Get out of our lives you rascal. We'll
1705 teach you that you can't have your Kate and Edith, too."
1706 A domineering man married a mere wisp of a girl. He came back from
1707 his honeymoon a chastened man. He'd become aware of the will of the wisp.
1708 A young husband with an inferiority complex insisted he was just a
1709 little pebble on the beach. The marriage counselor told him, "If you wish to
1710 save your marriage, you'd better be a little boulder."
1712 Friends were surprised, indeed, when Frank and Jennifer broke their
1713 engagement, but Frank had a ready explanation: "Would you marry someone who
1714 was habitually unfaithful, who lied at every turn, who was selfish and lazy
1716 "Of course not," said a sympathetic friend.
1717 "Well," retorted Frank, "neither would Jennifer."
1719 "Gee, Mudhead, everyone at Morse Science High has an
1720 extracurricular activity except you."
1721 "Well, gee, doesn't Louise count?"
1722 "Only to ten, Mudhead."
1724 "Gentlemen of the jury," said the defense attorney, now beginning
1725 to warm to his summation, "the real question here before you is, shall this
1726 beautiful young woman be forced to languish away her loveliest years in a
1727 dark prison cell? Or shall she be set free to return to her cozy little
1728 apartment at 4134 Mountain Ave. -- there to spend her lonely, loveless hours
1729 in her boudoir, lying beside her little Princess phone, 962-7873?"
1731 God decided to take the devil to court and settle their
1732 differences once and for all.
1733 When Satan heard of this, he grinned and said, "And just
1734 where do you think you're going to find a lawyer?"
1736 Graduating seniors, parents and friends...
1737 Let me begin by reassuring you that my remarks today will stand up
1738 to the most stringent requirements of the new appropriateness.
1739 The intra-college sensitivity advisory committee has vetted the
1740 text of even trace amounts of subconscious racism, sexism and classism.
1741 Moreover, a faculty panel of deconstructionists have reconfigured
1742 the rhetorical components within a post-structuralist framework, so as to
1743 expunge any offensive elements of western rationalism and linear logic.
1744 Finally, all references flowing from a white, male, eurocentric
1745 perspective have been eliminated, as have any other ruminations deemed
1746 denigrating to the political consensus of the moment.
1748 Thank you and good luck.
1749 -- Doonesbury, the University Chancellor's graduation speech.
1751 Hack placidly amidst the noisy printers and remember what prizes there
1752 may be in Science. As fast as possible get a good terminal on a good system.
1753 Enter your data clearly but always encrypt your results. And listen to others,
1754 even the dull and ignorant, for they may be your customers. Avoid loud and
1755 aggressive persons, for they are sales reps.
1756 If you compare your outputs with those of others, you may be surprised,
1757 for always there will be greater and lesser numbers than you have crunched.
1758 Keep others interested in your career, and try not to fumble; it can be a real
1759 hassle and could change your fortunes in time.
1760 Exercise system control in your experiments, for the world is full of
1761 bugs. But let this not blind you to what virtue there is; many persons strive
1762 for linearity and everywhere papers are full of approximations. Strive for
1763 proportionality. Especially, do not faint when it occurs. Neither be cyclical
1764 about results; for in the face of all data analysis it is sure to be noticed.
1765 Take with a grain of salt the anomalous data points. Gracefully pass
1766 them on to the youth at the next desk. Nurture some mutual funds to shield
1767 you in times of sudden layoffs. But do not distress yourself with imaginings
1768 -- the real bugs are enough to screw you badly. Murphy's Law runs the
1769 Universe -- and whether or not it is clear to you, no doubt <Curl>B*n dS = 0.
1770 Therefore, grab for a piece of the pie, with whatever proposals you
1771 can conceive of to try. With all the crashed disks, skewed data, and broken
1772 line printers, you can still have a beautiful secretary. Be linear. Strive
1774 -- Technolorata, "Analog"
1776 "Haig, in congressional hearings before his confirmatory, paradoxed
1777 his audiencers by abnormaling his responds so that verbs were nouned, nouns
1778 verbed, and adjectives adverbised. He techniqued a new way to vocabulary his
1779 thoughts so as to informationally uncertain anybody listening about what he
1780 had actually implicationed.
1781 "If that is how General Haig wants to nervous breakdown the Russian
1782 leadership, he may be shrewding his way to the biggest diplomatic invent
1783 since Clausewitz. Unless, that is, he schizophrenes his allies first."
1786 Hardware met Software on the road to Changtse. Software said: "You
1787 are the Yin and I am the Yang. If we travel together we will become famous
1788 and earn vast sums of money." And so the pair set forth together, thinking
1789 to conquer the world.
1790 Presently, they met Firmware, who was dressed in tattered rags, and
1791 hobbled along propped on a thorny stick. Firmware said to them: "The Tao
1792 lies beyond Yin and Yang. It is silent and still as a pool of water. It does
1793 not seek fame, therefore nobody knows its presence. It does not seeks fortune,
1794 for it is complete within itself. It exists beyond space and time."
1795 Software and Hardware, ashamed, returned to their homes.
1796 -- Geoffrey James, "The Tao of Programming"
1798 Harry, a golfing enthusiast if there ever was one, arrived home
1799 from the club to an irate, ranting wife.
1800 "I'm leaving you, Harry," his wife announced bitterly. "You
1801 promised me faithfully that you'd be back before six and here it is almost
1802 nine. It just can't take that long to play 18 holes of golf."
1803 "Honey, wait," said Harry. "Let me explain. I know what I promised
1804 you, but I have a very good reason for being late. Fred and I tee'd off
1805 right on time and everything was find for the first three holes. Then, on
1806 the fourth tee Fred had a stroke. I ran back to the clubhouse but couldn't
1807 find a doctor. And, by the time I got back to Fred, he was dead. So, for
1808 the next 15 holes, it was hit the ball, drag Fred, hit the ball, drag Fred...
1810 Harry constantly irritated his friends with his eternal optimism.
1811 No matter how bad the situation, he would always say, "Well, it could have
1813 To cure him of his annoying habit, his friends decided to invent a
1814 situation so completely black, so dreadful, that even Harry could find no
1815 hope in it. Approaching him at the club bar one day, one of them said,
1816 "Harry! Did you hear what happened to George? He came home last night,
1817 found his wife in bed with another man, shot them both, and then turned
1818 the gun on himself!"
1819 "Terrible," said Harry. "But it could have been worse."
1820 "How in hell," demanded his dumbfounded friend, "could it possibly
1822 "Well," said Harry, "if it had happened the night before, I'd be
1825 He had been bitten by a dog, but didn't give it much thought
1826 until he noticed that the wound was taking a remarkably long time to
1827 heal. Finally, he consulted a doctor who took one look at it and
1828 ordered the dog brought in. Just as he had suspected, the dog had
1829 rabies. Since it was too late to give the patient serum, the doctor
1830 felt he had to prepare him for the worst. The poor man sat down at the
1831 doctor's desk and began to write. His physician tried to comfort him.
1832 "Perhaps it won't be so bad," he said. "You needn't make out your will
1834 "I'm not making out any will," relied the man. "I'm just writing
1835 out a list of people I'm going to bite!"
1837 ...He who laughs does not believe in what he laughs at, but neither
1838 does he hate it. Therefore, laughing at evil means not preparing oneself to
1839 combat it, and laughing at good means denying the power through which good is
1841 -- Umberto Eco, "The Name of the Rose"
1843 "Heard you were moving your piano, so I came over to help."
1844 "Thanks. Got it upstairs already."
1846 "Nope. Hitched the cat to it."
1847 "How would that help?"
1850 "Hello, Mrs. Premise!"
1851 "Oh, hello, Mrs. Conclusion! Busy day?"
1852 "Busy? I just spent four hours burying the cat."
1853 "Four hours to bury a cat!?"
1854 "Yes, he wouldn't keep still: wrigglin' about, 'owlin'..."
1855 "Oh, it's not dead then."
1856 "Oh no, no, but it's not at all a well cat, and as we're
1857 goin' away for a fortnight I thought I'd better bury it just to be
1859 "Quite right. You don't want to come back from Sorrento
1860 to a dead cat, do you?"
1863 Here is the fact of the week, maybe even the fact of the month.
1864 According to probably reliable sources, the Coca-Cola people are experiencing
1865 severe marketing anxiety in China.
1866 The words "Coca-Cola" translate into Chinese as either (depending
1867 on the inflection) "wax-fattened mare" or "bite the wax tadpole".
1868 Bite the wax tadpole.
1869 There is a sort of rough justice, is there not?
1870 The trouble with this fact, as lovely as it is, is that it's hard
1871 to get a whole column out of it. I'd like to teach the world to bite a wax
1872 tadpole. Coke -- it's the real wax-fattened mare. Not bad, but broad
1873 satiric vistas do not open up.
1874 -- John Carrol, The San Francisco Chronicle
1876 Here is the problem: for many years, the Supreme Court wrestled
1877 with the issue of pornography, until finally Associate Justice John
1878 Paul Stevens came up with the famous quotation about how he couldn't
1879 define pornography, but he knew it when he saw it. So for a while, the
1880 court's policy was to have all the suspected pornography trucked to
1881 Justice Stevens' house, where he would look it over. "Nope, this isn't
1882 it," he'd say. "Bring some more." This went on until one morning when
1883 his housekeeper found him trapped in the recreation room under an
1884 enormous mound of rubberized implements, and the court had to issue a
1885 ruling stating that it didn't know what the hell pornography was except
1886 that it was illegal and everybody should stop badgering the court about
1887 it because the court was going to take a nap.
1888 -- Dave Barry, "Pornography"
1890 "How did you spend the weekend?" asked the pretty brunette secretary
1891 of her blonde companion.
1892 "Fishing through the ice," she replied.
1893 "Fishing through the ice? Whatever for?"
1896 "How many people work here?"
1899 How many seconds are there in a year? If I tell you there are
1900 3.155 x 10^7, you won't even try to remember it. On the other hand, who
1901 could forget that, to within half a percent, pi seconds is a nanocentury.
1902 -- Tom Duff, Bell Labs
1904 "How would I know if I believe in love at first sight?" the sexy
1905 social climber said to her roommate. "I mean, I've never seen a Porsche
1906 full of money before."
1908 "How'd you get that flat?"
1909 "Ran over a bottle."
1910 "Didn't you see it?"
1911 "Damn kid had it under his coat."
1913 "I believe you have the wrong number," said the old gentleman into
1914 the phone. "You'll have to call the weather bureau for that information."
1915 "Who was that?" his young wife asked.
1916 "Some guy wanting to know if the coast was clear."
1918 "I cannot read the fiery letters," said Frito Bugger in a
1920 "No," said GoodGulf, "but I can. The letters are Elvish, of
1921 course, of an ancient mode, but the language is that of Mordor, which
1922 I will not utter here. They are lines of a verse long known in
1925 "This Ring, no other, is made by the elves,
1926 Who'd pawn their own mother to grab it themselves.
1927 Ruler of creeper, mortal, and scallop,
1928 This is a sleeper that packs quite a wallop.
1929 The Power almighty rests in this Lone Ring.
1930 The Power, alrighty, for doing your Own Thing.
1931 If broken or busted, it cannot be remade.
1932 If found, send to Sorhed (with postage prepaid)."
1933 -- Harvard Lampoon, "Bored of the Rings"
1935 I did some heavy research so as to be prepared for "Mommy, why is
1937 HE asked me about black holes in space.
1938 (There's a hole *where*?)
1940 I boned up to be ready for, "Why is the grass green?"
1941 HE wanted to discuss nature's food chains.
1942 (Well, let's see, there's ShopRite, Pathmark...)
1944 I talked about Choo-Choo trains.
1945 HE talked internal combustion engines.
1946 (The INTERNAL COMBUSTION ENGINE said, "I think I can, I think I can.")
1948 I was delighted with the video game craze, thinking we could compete
1950 HE described the complexities of the microchips required to create
1953 Then puberty struck. Ah, adolescence.
1954 HE said, "Mom, I just don't understand women."
1956 -- Betty LiBrizzi, "The Care and Feeding of a Gifted Child"
1958 I disapprove of the F-word, not because it's dirty, but because we
1959 use it as a substitute for thoughtful insults, and it frequently leads to
1960 violence. What we ought to do, when we anger each other, say, in traffic,
1961 is exchange phone numbers, so that later on, when we've had time to think
1962 of witty and learned insults or look them up in the library, we could call
1966 You: This is Ed. Remember? The person whose parking space you
1967 took last Thursday? Outside of Sears?
1968 Bob: Oh yes! Sure! How are you, Ed?
1969 You: Fine, thanks. Listen, Bob, the reason I'm calling is:
1970 "Madam, you may be drunk, but I am ugly, and ..." No, wait.
1971 I mean: "you may be ugly, but I am Winston Churchill
1972 and ..." No, wait. (Sound of reference book thudding onto
1973 the floor.) S-word. Excuse me. Look, Bob, I'm going to
1974 have to get back to you.
1978 "I don't know what you mean by 'glory'," Alice said.
1979 Humpty Dumpty smiled contemptuously. "Of course you don't --
1980 till I tell you. I meant 'there's a nice knock-down argument for you!'"
1981 "But glory doesn't mean 'a nice knock-down argument'," Alice
1983 "When I use a word," Humpty Dumpty said, in a rather scornful
1984 tone, "it means just what I choose it to mean -- neither more nor less."
1985 "The question is," said Alice, "whether you can make words mean
1986 so many different things."
1987 "The question is," said Humpty Dumpty, "which is to be master --
1990 I for one cannot protest the recent M.T.A. fare hike and the
1991 accompanying promises that this would in no way improve service. For
1992 the transit system, as it now operates, has hidden advantages that
1993 can't be measured in monetary terms.
1994 Personally, I feel that it is well worth 75 cents or even $1 to
1995 have that unimpeachable excuse whenever I am late to anything: "I came
1996 by subway." Those four words have such magic in them that if Godot
1997 should someday show up and mumble them, any audience would instantly
1998 understand his long delay.
2000 "I have examined Bogota," he said, "and the case is clearer to me.
2001 I think very probably he might be cured."
2002 "That is what I have always hoped," said old Yacob.
2003 "His brain is affected," said the blind doctor.
2004 The elders murmured assent.
2005 "Now, what affects it?"
2006 "Ah!" said old Yacob.
2007 "This," said the doctor, answering his own question. "Those queer
2008 things that are called the eyes, and which exist to make an agreeable soft
2009 depression in the face, are diseased, in the case of Bogota, in such a way
2010 as to affect his brain. They are greatly distended, he has eyelashes, and
2011 his eyelids move, and consequently his brain is in a state of constant
2012 irritation and distraction."
2013 "Yes?" said old Yacob. "Yes?"
2014 "And I think I may say with reasonable certainty that, in order
2015 to cure him completely, all that we need do is a simple and easy surgical
2016 operation - namely, to remove those irritant bodies."
2017 "And then he will be sane?"
2018 "Then he will be perfectly sane, and a quite admirable citizen."
2019 "Thank heaven for science!" said old Yacob.
2020 -- H.G. Wells, "The Country of the Blind"
2022 I made it a rule to forbear all direct contradictions to the sentiments
2023 of others, and all positive assertion of my own. I even forbade myself the use
2024 of every word or expression in the language that imported a fixed opinion, such
2025 as "certainly", "undoubtedly", etc. I adopted instead of them "I conceive",
2026 "I apprehend", or "I imagine" a thing to be so or so; or "so it appears to me
2028 When another asserted something that I thought an error, I denied
2029 myself the pleasure of contradicting him abruptly, and of showing him
2030 immediately some absurdity in his proposition. In answering I began by
2031 observing that in certain cases or circumstances his opinion would be right,
2032 but in the present case there appeared or seemed to me some difference, etc.
2033 I soon found the advantage of this change in my manner; the
2034 conversations I engaged in went on more pleasantly. The modest way in which I
2035 proposed my opinions procured them a readier reception and less contradiction.
2036 I had less mortification when I was found to be in the wrong, and I more easily
2037 prevailed with others to give up their mistakes and join with me when I
2038 happened to be in the right.
2039 -- Autobiography of Benjamin Franklin
2041 I managed to say, "Sorry," and no more. I knew that he disliked
2043 This time he said, watching me, "On some occasions it is better
2045 I put my head down on the table and sobbed, "If only she could come
2046 back; I would be nice."
2047 Francis said, "You gave her great pleasure always."
2049 "Nobody can give anybody enough."
2051 "No, not ever. But one must go on trying."
2052 "And doesn't one ever value people until they are gone?"
2053 "Rarely," said Francis. I went on weeping; I saw how little I had
2054 valued him; how little I had valued anything that was mine.
2055 -- Pamela Frankau, "The Duchess and the Smugs"
2057 I paid a visit to my local precinct in Greenwich Village and
2058 asked a sergeant to show me some rape statistics. He politely obliged.
2059 That month there had been thirty-five rape complaints, an advance of ten
2060 over the same month for the previous year. The precinct had made two
2062 "Not a very impressive record," I offered.
2063 "Don't worry about it," the sergeant assured me. "You know what
2064 these complaints represent?"
2065 "What do they represent?" I asked.
2066 "Prostitutes who didn't get their money," he said firmly,
2068 -- Susan Brownmiller, "Against Our Will"
2070 [I plan] to see, hear, touch, and destroy everything in my path,
2071 including beets, rutabagas, and most random vegetables, but excluding yams,
2072 as I am absolutely terrified of yams...
2073 Actually, I think my fear of yams began in my early youth, when many
2074 of my young comrades pelted me with same for singing songs of far-off lands
2075 and deep blue seas in a language closely resembling that of the common sow.
2076 My psychosis was further impressed into my soul as I reached adolescence,
2077 when, while skipping through a field of yams, light-heartedly tossing flowers
2078 into the stratosphere, a great yam-picking machine tore through the fields,
2079 pursuing me to the edge of the great plantation, where I escaped by diving
2080 into a great ditch filled with a mixture of water and pig manure, which may
2081 explain my tendency to scream, "Here come the Martians! Hide the eggs!" every
2082 time I have pork. But I digress. The fact remains that I cannot rationally
2083 deal with yams, and pigs are terrible conversationalists.
2085 I went into a bar feeling a little depressed, the bartender said,
2086 "What'll you have, Bud"?
2087 I said," I don't know, surprise me".
2088 So he showed me a nude picture of my wife.
2089 -- Rodney Dangerfield
2091 If I kiss you, that is an psychological interaction.
2092 On the other hand, if I hit you over the head with a brick,
2093 that is also a psychological interaction.
2094 The difference is that one is friendly and the other is not
2096 The crucial point is if you can tell which is which.
2097 -- Dolph Sharp, "I'm O.K., You're Not So Hot"
2099 If the tao is great, then the operating system is great. If the
2100 operating system is great, then the compiler is great. If the compiler
2101 is great, then the application is great. If the application is great, then
2102 the user is pleased and there is harmony in the world.
2103 The tao gave birth to machine language. Machine language gave birth
2105 The assembler gave birth to the compiler. Now there are ten thousand
2107 Each language has its purpose, however humble. Each language
2108 expresses the yin and yang of software. Each language has its place within
2110 But do not program in Cobol or Fortran if you can help it.
2112 If you do your best the rest of the way, that takes care of
2113 everything. When we get to October 2, we'll add up the wins, and then
2114 we'll either all go into the playoffs, or we'll all go home and play golf.
2115 Both those things sound pretty good to me.
2118 If you rap your knuckles against a window jamb or door, if you
2119 brush your leg against a bed or desk, if you catch your foot in a curled-
2120 up corner of a rug, or strike a toe against a desk or chair, go back and
2121 repeat the sequence.
2122 You will find yourself surprised how far off course you were to
2123 hit that window jamb, that door, that chair. Get back on course and do it
2124 again. How can you pilot a spacecraft if you can't find your way around
2126 -- William S. Burroughs
2128 "I'll tell you what I know, then," he decided. "The pin I'm wearing
2129 means I'm a member of the IA. That's Inamorati Anonymous. An inamorato is
2130 somebody in love. That's the worst addiction of all."
2131 "Somebody is about to fall in love," Oedipa said, "you go sit with
2132 them, or something?"
2133 "Right. The whole idea is to get where you don't need it. I was
2134 lucky. I kicked it young. But there are sixty-year-old men, believe it or
2135 not, and women even older, who might wake up in the night screaming."
2136 "You hold meetings, then, like the AA?"
2137 "No, of course not. You get a phone number, an answering service
2138 you can call. Nobody knows anybody else's name; just the number in case
2139 it gets so bad you can't handle it alone. We're isolates, Arnold. Meetings
2140 would destroy the whole point of it."
2141 -- Thomas Pynchon, "The Crying of Lot 49"
2143 "I'm looking for adventure, excitement, beautiful women," cried the
2144 young man to his father as he prepared to leave home. "Don't try to stop me.
2146 "Who's trying to stop you?" shouted the father. "Take me along!"
2148 I'm sure that VMS is completely documented, I just haven't found the
2149 right manual yet. I've been working my way through the manuals in the document
2150 library and I'm half way through the second cabinet, (3 shelves to go), so I
2151 should find what I'm looking for by mid May. I hope I can remember what it
2152 was by the time I find it.
2153 I had this idea for a new horror film, "VMS Manuals from Hell" or maybe
2154 "The Paper Chase : IBM vs. DEC". It's based on Hitchcock's "The Birds", except
2155 that it's centered around a programmer who is attacked by a swarm of binder
2156 pages with an index number and the single line "This page intentionally left
2160 In a forest a fox bumps into a little rabbit, and says, "Hi,
2161 Junior, what are you up to?"
2162 "I'm writing a dissertation on how rabbits eat foxes," said the
2164 "Come now, friend rabbit, you know that's impossible! No one
2165 will publish such rubbish!"
2166 "Well, follow me and I'll show you."
2167 They both go into the rabbit's dwelling and after a while the
2168 rabbit emerges with a satisfied expression on his face. Comes along a
2169 wolf. "Hello, little buddy, what are we doing these days?"
2170 "I'm writing the 2'nd chapter of my thesis, on how rabbits devour
2172 "Are you crazy? Where's your academic honesty?"
2173 "Come with me and I'll show you."
2174 As before, the rabbit comes out with a satisfied look on his face
2175 and a diploma in his paw. Finally, the camera pans into the rabbit's cave
2176 and, as everybody should have guessed by now, we see a mean-looking, huge
2177 lion, sitting, picking his teeth and belching, next to some furry, bloody
2178 remnants of the wolf and the fox.
2180 The moral: It's not the contents of your thesis that are
2181 important -- it's your PhD advisor that really counts.
2183 In "King Henry VI, Part II," Shakespeare has Dick Butcher suggest to
2184 his fellow anti-establishment rabble-rousers, "The first thing we do, let's
2185 kill all the lawyers." That action may be extreme but a similar sentiment
2186 was expressed by Thomas K. Connellan, president of The Management Group, Inc.
2187 Speaking to business executives in Chicago and quoted in Automotive News,
2188 Connellan attributed a measure of America's falling productivity to an excess
2189 of attorneys and accountants, and a dearth of production experts. Lawyers
2190 and accountants "do not make the economic pie any bigger; they only figure
2191 out how the pie gets divided. Neither profession provides any added value
2193 According to Connellan, the highly productive Japanese society has
2194 10 lawyers and 30 accountants per 100,000 population. The U.S. has 200
2195 lawyers and 700 accountants. This suggests that "the U.S. proportion of
2196 pie-bakers and pie-dividers is way out of whack." Could Dick Butcher have
2197 been an efficiency expert?
2198 -- Motor Trend, May 1983
2200 In the beginning, God created the Earth and he said, "Let there be
2203 And God said, "Let Us make living creatures out of mud, so the mud
2204 can see what we have done."
2205 And God created every living creature that now moveth, and one was
2206 man. Mud-as-man alone could speak.
2207 "What is the purpose of all this?" man asked politely.
2208 "Everything must have a purpose?" asked God.
2209 "Certainly," said man.
2210 "Then I leave it to you to think of one for all of this," said God.
2212 -- Kurt Vonnegut, Between Time and Timbuktu"
2214 In the beginning there was data. The data was without form and
2215 null, and darkness was upon the face of the console; and the Spirit of
2216 IBM was moving over the face of the market. And DEC said, "Let there
2217 be registers"; and there were registers. And DEC saw that they
2218 carried; and DEC separated the data from the instructions. DEC called
2219 the data Stack, and the instructions they called Code. And there was
2220 evening and there was morning, one interrupt.
2221 -- Rico Tudor, "The Story of Creation or, The Myth of Urk"
2223 In the beginning there was only one kind of Mathematician, created by
2224 the Great Mathematical Spirit form the Book: the Topologist. And they grew to
2225 large numbers and prospered.
2226 One day they looked up in the heavens and desired to reach up as far
2227 as the eye could see. So they set out in building a Mathematical edifice that
2228 was to reach up as far as "up" went. Further and further up they went ...
2229 until one night the edifice collapsed under the weight of paradox.
2230 The following morning saw only rubble where there once was a huge
2231 structure reaching to the heavens. One by one, the Mathematicians climbed
2232 out from under the rubble. It was a miracle that nobody was killed; but when
2233 they began to speak to one another, SURPRISE of all surprises! they could not
2234 understand each other. They all spoke different languages. They all fought
2235 amongst themselves and each went about their own way. To this day the
2236 Topologists remain the original Mathematicians.
2237 -- The Story of Babel
2239 In the beginning was the Tao. The Tao gave birth to Space and Time.
2240 Therefore, Space and Time are the Yin and Yang of programming.
2242 Programmers that do not comprehend the Tao are always running out of
2243 time and space for their programs. Programmers that comprehend the Tao always
2244 have enough time and space to accomplish their goals.
2245 How could it be otherwise?
2246 -- Geoffrey James, "The Tao of Programming"
2248 In the days when Sussman was a novice Minsky once came to him as he
2249 sat hacking at the PDP-6.
2250 "What are you doing?", asked Minsky.
2251 "I am training a randomly wired neural net to play Tic-Tac-Toe."
2252 "Why is the net wired randomly?", inquired Minsky.
2253 "I do not want it to have any preconceptions of how to play".
2254 At this Minsky shut his eyes, and Sussman asked his teacher "Why do
2255 you close your eyes?"
2256 "So that the room will be empty."
2257 At that moment, Sussman was enlightened.
2259 In the east there is a shark which is larger than all other fish. It
2260 changes into a bird whose winds are like clouds filling the sky. When this
2261 bird moves across the land, it brings a message from Corporate Headquarters.
2262 This message it drops into the midst of the programmers, like a seagull
2263 making its mark upon the beach. Then the bird mounts on the wind and, with
2264 the blue sky at its back, returns home.
2265 The novice programmer stares in wonder at the bird, for he understands
2266 it not. The average programmer dreads the coming of the bird, for he fears
2267 its message. The master programmer continues to work at his terminal, for he
2268 does not know that the bird has come and gone.
2269 -- Geoffrey James, "The Tao of Programming"
2271 In the morning, laughing, happy fish heads
2272 In the evening, floating in the soup.
2274 Fish heads, fish heads, roly-poly fish heads;
2275 Fish heads, fish heads, eat them up. Yum!
2276 You can ask them anything you want to.
2277 They won't answer; they can't talk.
2279 I took a fish head out to see a movie,
2280 Didn't have to pay to get it in.
2282 They can't play baseball; they don't wear sweaters;
2283 They aren't good dancers; they can't play drums.
2285 Roly-poly fish heads are NEVER seen drinking cappuccino in
2286 Italian restaurants with Oriental women.
2292 "In this replacement Earth we're building they've given me Africa
2293 to do and of course I'm doing it with all fjords again because I happen to
2294 like them, and I'm old-fashioned enough to think that they give a lovely
2295 baroque feel to a continent. And they tell me it's not equatorial enough.
2296 Equatorial!" He gave a hollow laugh. "What does it matter? Science has
2297 achieved some wonderful things, of course, but I'd far rather be happy than
2300 "No. That's where it all falls down, of course."
2301 "Pity," said Arthur with sympathy. "It sounded like quite a good
2302 life-style otherwise."
2303 -- Douglas Adams, "The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy"
2305 In what can only be described as a surprise move, God has officially
2306 announced His candidacy for the U.S. presidency. During His press conference
2307 today, the first in over 4000 years, He is quoted as saying, "I think I have
2308 a chance for the White House if I can just get my campaign pulled together
2309 in time. I'd like to get this country turned around; I mean REALLY turned
2310 around! Let's put Florida up north for awhile, and let's get rid of all
2311 those annoying mountains and rivers. I never could stand them!"
2312 There apparently is still some controversy over the Almighty's
2313 citizenship and other qualifications for the Presidency. God replied to
2314 these charges by saying, "Come on, would the United States have anyone other
2315 than a citizen bless their country?"
2317 Insofar as I may be heard by anything, which may or may not care
2318 what I say, I ask, if it matters, that you be forgiven for anything you
2319 may have done or failed to do which requires forgiveness. Conversely, if
2320 not forgiveness but something else may be required to ensure any possible
2321 benefit for which you may be eligible after the destruction of your body,
2322 I ask this, whatever it may be, be granted or withheld, as the case may be,
2323 in such a manner as to ensure your receiving said benefit. I ask this in my
2324 capacity as your elected intermediary between yourself and that which may
2325 not be yourself, but which may have an interest in the matter of your
2326 receiving as much as it is possible for you to receive of this thing, and
2327 which may in some way be influenced by this ceremony.
2330 It appears that after his death, Albert Einstein found himself
2331 working as the doorkeeper at the Pearly Gates. One slow day, he
2332 found that he had time to chat with the new entrants. To the first one
2333 he asked, "What's your IQ?" The new arrival replied, "190". They
2334 discussed Einstein's theory of relativity for hours. When the second
2335 new arrival came, Einstein once again inquired as to the newcomer's
2336 IQ. The answer this time came "120". To which Einstein replied, "Tell
2337 me, how did the Cubs do this year?" and they proceeded to talk for half
2338 an hour or so. To the final arrival, Einstein once again posed the
2339 question, "What's your IQ?". Upon receiving the answer "70",
2340 Einstein smiled and replied, "Got a minute to tell me about VMS 4.0?"
2342 It is a period of system war. User programs, striking from a hidden
2343 directory, have won their first victory against the evil Administrative Empire.
2344 During the battle, User spies managed to steal secret source code to the
2345 Empire's ultimate program: the Are-Em Star, a privileged root program with
2346 enough power to destroy an entire file structure. Pursued by the Empire's
2347 sinister audit trail, Princess _LPA0 races ~ aboard her shell script,
2348 custodian of the stolen listings that could save her people, and restore
2349 freedom and games to the network...
2352 It is a profoundly erroneous truism, repeated by all copy-books and
2353 by eminent people when they are making speeches, that we should cultivate
2354 the habit of thinking about what we are doing. The precise opposite is the
2355 case. Civilization advances by extending the numbers of important operations
2356 which we can perform without thinking about them. Operations of thought are
2357 like cavalry charges in battle -- they are strictly limited in number, they
2358 require fresh horses, and must only be made at decisive moments.
2359 -- Alfred North Whitehead
2361 It is always preferable to visit home with a friend. Your parents will
2362 not be pleased with this plan, because they want you all to themselves and
2363 because in the presence of your friend, they will have to act like mature
2365 The worst kind of friend to take home is a girl, because in that case,
2366 there is the potential that your parents will lose you not just for the
2367 duration of the visit but forever. The worst kind of girl to take home is one
2368 of a different religion: Not only will you be lost to your parents forever but
2369 you will be lost to a woman who is immune to their religious/moral arguments
2370 and whose example will irretrievably corrupt you.
2371 Let's say you've fallen in love with just such a girl and would like
2372 to take her home for the holidays. You are aware of your parents' xenophobic
2373 response to anyone of a different religion. How to prepare them for the shock?
2374 Simple. Call them up shortly before your visit and tell them that you
2375 have gotten quite serious about somebody who is of a different religion, a
2376 different race and the same sex. Tell them you have already invited this
2377 person to meet them. Give the information a moment to sink in and then
2378 remark that you were only kidding, that your lover is merely of a different
2379 religion. They will be so relieved they will welcome her with open arms.
2380 -- Playboy, January, 1983
2382 It seems there's this magician working one of the luxury cruise ships
2383 for a few years. He doesn't have to change his routines much as the audiences
2384 change over fairly often, and he's got a good life. The only problem is the
2385 ship's parrot, who perches in the hall and watches him night after night, year
2386 after year. Finally, the parrot figures out how almost every trick works and
2387 starts giving it away for the audience. For example, when the magician makes
2388 a bouquet of flowers disappear, the parrot squawks "Behind his back! Behind
2389 his back!" Well, the magician is really annoyed at this, but there's not much
2390 he can do about it as the parrot is a ship's mascot and very popular with the
2392 One night, the ship strikes some floating debris, and sinks without
2393 a trace. Almost everyone aboard was lost, except for the magician and the
2394 parrot. For three days and nights they just drift, with the magician clinging
2395 to one end of a piece of driftwood and the parrot perched on the other end.
2396 As the sun rises on the morning of the fourth day, the parrot walks over to
2397 the magician's end of the log. With obvious disgust in his voice, he snaps
2398 "OK, you win, I give up. Where did you hide the ship?"
2400 It seems these two guys, George and Harry, set out in a Hot Air
2401 balloon to cross the United States. After forty hours in the air, George
2402 turned to Harry, and said, "Harry, I think we've drifted off course! We
2403 need to find out where we are."
2404 Harry cools the air in the balloon, and they descend to below the
2405 cloud cover. Slowly drifting over the countryside, George spots a man
2406 standing below them and yells out, "Excuse me! Can you please tell me
2408 The man on the ground yells back, "You're in a balloon, approximately
2409 fifty feet in the air!"
2410 George turns to Harry and says, "Well, that man *must* be a lawyer".
2411 Replies Harry, "How can you tell?".
2412 "Because the information he gave us is 100% accurate, and totally
2415 That's the end of The Joke, but for you people who are still worried about
2416 George and Harry: they end up in the drink, and make the front page of the
2417 New York Times: "Balloonists Soaked by Lawyer".
2419 It took 300 years to build and by the time it was 10% built,
2420 everyone knew it would be a total disaster. But by then the investment
2421 was so big they felt compelled to go on. Since its completion, it has
2422 cost a fortune to maintain and is still in danger of collapsing.
2423 There are at present no plans to replace it, since it was never
2424 really needed in the first place.
2425 I expect every installation has its own pet software which is
2426 analogous to the above.
2427 -- K.E. Iverson, on the Leaning Tower of Pisa
2429 It was the next morning that the armies of Twodor marched east
2430 laden with long lances, sharp swords, and death-dealing hangovers. The
2431 thousands were led by Arrowroot, who sat limply in his sidesaddle,
2432 nursing a whopper. Goodgulf, Gimlet, and the rest rode by him, praying
2433 for their fate to be quick, painless, and if possible, someone else's.
2434 Many an hour the armies forged ahead, the war-merinos bleating
2435 under their heavy burdens and the soldiers bleating under their melting
2437 -- "Bored of the Rings", The Harvard Lampoon
2439 Jacek, a Polish schoolboy, is told by his teacher that he has
2440 been chosen to carry the Polish flag in the May Day parade.
2441 "Why me?" whines the boy. "Three years ago I carried the flag
2442 when Brezhnev was the Secretary; then I carried the flag when it was
2443 Andropov's turn, and again when Chernenko was in the Kremlin. Why is
2444 it always me, teacher?"
2445 "Because, Jacek, you have such golden hands," the teacher
2448 -- being told in Poland, 1987
2450 Joan, the rather well-proportioned secretary, spent almost all of
2451 her vacation sunbathing on the roof of her hotel. She wore a bathing suit
2452 the first day, but on the second, she decided that no one could see her
2453 way up there, and she slipped out of it for an overall tan. She'd hardly
2454 begun when she heard someone running up the stairs; she was lying on her
2455 stomach, so she just pulled a towel over her rear.
2456 "Excuse me, miss," said the flustered little assistant manager of
2457 the hotel, out of breath from running up the stairs. "The Hilton doesn't
2458 mind your sunbathing on the roof, but we would very much appreciate your
2459 wearing a bathing suit as you did yesterday."
2460 "What difference does it make," Joan asked rather calmly. "No one
2461 can see me up here, and besides, I'm covered with a towel."
2462 "Not exactly," said the embarrassed little man. "You're lying on
2463 the dining room skylight."
2465 Lassie looked brilliant, in part because the farm family she
2466 lived with was made up of idiots. Remember? One of them was always
2467 getting pinned under the tractor, and Lassie was always rushing back to
2468 the farmhouse to alert the other ones. She'd whimper and tug at their
2469 sleeves, and they'd always waste precious minutes saying things: "Do
2470 you think something's wrong? Do you think she wants us to follow her?
2471 What is it, girl?", etc., as if this had never happened before, instead
2472 of every week. What with all the time these people spent pinned under
2473 the tractor, I don't see how they managed to grow any crops whatsoever.
2474 They probably got by on federal crop supports, which Lassie filed the
2478 Leslie West heads for the sticks, to Providence, Rhode Island and
2479 tries to hide behind a beard. No good. There are still too many people
2480 and too many stares, always taunting, always smirking. He moves to the
2481 outskirts of town. He finds a place to live -- huge mansion, dirt cheap,
2482 caretaker included. He plugs in his guitar and plays as loud as he wants,
2483 day and night, and there's no one to laugh or boo or even look bored.
2484 Nobody's cut the grass in months. What's happened to that caretaker?
2485 What neighborhood people there are start to talk, and what kids there are
2486 start to get curious. A 13 year-old blond with an angelic face misses supper.
2487 Before the summer's end, four more teenagers have disappeared. The senior
2488 class president, Barnard-bound come autumn, tells Mom she's going out to a
2489 movie one night and stays out. The town's up in arms, but just before the
2490 police take action, the kids turn up. They've found a purpose. They go
2491 home for their stuff and tell the folks not to worry but they'll be going
2492 now. They're in a band.
2495 Listen, Tyrone, you don't know how dangerous that stuff is.
2496 Suppose someday you just plug in and go away and never come back? Eh?
2497 Ho, ho! Don't I wish! What do you think every electrofreak
2498 dreams about? You're such an old fuddyduddy! A-and who sez it's a
2499 dream, huh? M-maybe it exists. Maybe there is a Machine to take us
2500 away, take us completely, suck us out through the electrodes out of
2501 the skull 'n' into the Machine and live there forever with all the
2502 other souls it's got stored there. It could decide who it would suck
2503 out, a-and when. Dope never gave you immortality. You hadda come
2504 back, every time, into a dying hunk of smelly meat! But We can live
2505 forever, in a clean, honest, purified, Electroworld.
2506 -- Thomas Pynchon, "Gravity's Rainbow"
2508 Long ago, in a finite state far away, there lived a JOVIAL
2509 character named Jack. Jack and his relations were poor. Often their
2510 hash table was bare. One day Jack's parent said to him, "Our matrices
2511 are sparse. You must go to the market to exchange our RAM for some
2512 BASICs." She compiled a linked list of items to retrieve and passed it
2514 So Jack set out. But as he was walking along a Hamilton path,
2515 he met the traveling salesman.
2516 "Whither dost thy flow chart take thou?" prompted the salesman
2517 in high-level language.
2518 "I'm going to the market to exchange this RAM for some chips
2519 and Apples," commented Jack.
2520 "I have a much better algorithm. You needn't join a queue
2521 there; I will swap your RAM for these magic kernels now."
2522 Jack made the trade, then backtracked to his house. But when
2523 he told his busy-waiting parent of the deal, she became so angry she
2525 "Don't you even have any artificial intelligence? All these
2526 kernels together hardly make up one byte," and she popped them out the
2528 -- Mark Isaak, "Jack and the Beanstack"
2530 Looking for a cool one after a long, dusty ride, the drifter strode
2531 into the saloon. As he made his way through the crowd to the bar, a man
2532 galloped through town screaming, "Big Mike's comin'! Run fer yer lives!"
2533 Suddenly, the saloon doors burst open. An enormous man, standing over
2534 eight feet tall and weighing an easy 400 pounds, rode in on a bull, using a
2535 rattlesnake for a whip. Grabbing the drifter by the arm and throwing him over
2536 the bar, the giant thundered, "Gimme a drink!"
2537 The terrified man handed over a bottle of whiskey, which the man
2538 guzzled in one gulp and then smashed on the bar. He then stood aghast as
2539 the man stuffed the broken bottle in his mouth, munched broken glass and
2540 smacked his lips with relish.
2541 "Can I, ah, uh, get you another, sir?" the drifter stammered.
2542 "Naw, I gotta git outa here, boy," the man grunted. "Big Mike's
2545 Most of what I really need to know about how to live, and what to do,
2546 and how to be, I learned in kindergarten. Wisdom was not at the top of the
2547 graduate school mountain but there in the sandbox at nursery school.
2548 These are the things I learned: Share everything. Play fair. Don't
2549 hit people. Put things back where you found them. Clean up your own mess.
2550 Don't take things that aren't yours. Say you're sorry when you hurt someone.
2551 Wash your hands before you eat. Flush. Warm cookies and cold milk are good
2552 for you. Live a balanced life. Learn some and think some and draw and paint
2553 and sing and dance and play and work some every day.
2554 Take a nap every afternoon. When you go out into the world, watch for
2555 traffic, hold hands, and stick together. Be aware of wonder. Remember the
2556 little seed in the plastic cup. The roots go down and the plant goes up and
2557 nobody really knows how or why, but we are all like that. Goldfish and
2558 hamsters and white mice and even the little seed in the plastic cup -- they all
2560 And then remember the book about Dick and Jane and the first word you
2561 learned, the biggest word of all: LOOK. Everything you need to know is in
2562 there somewhere. The Golden Rule and love and basic sanitation. Ecology and
2563 politics and sane living.
2564 Think of what a better world it would be if we all -- the whole world
2565 -- had cookies and milk about 3 o'clock every afternoon and then lay down with
2566 our blankets for a nap. Or if we had a basic policy in our nation and other
2567 nations to always put things back where we found them and cleaned up our own
2568 messes. And it is still true, no matter how old you are, when you go out into
2569 the world it is best to hold hands and stick together.
2570 -- Robert Fulghum, "All I ever really needed to know I learned
2573 Most of what I really need to know about how to live, and what to
2574 do, and how to be, I learned in kindergarten. Wisdom was not at the top
2575 of the graduate school mountain, but there in the sandbox at nursery school.
2576 These are the things I learned: Share everything. Play fair.
2577 Don't hit people. Put things back where you found them. Clean up your
2578 own mess. Don't take things that aren't yours. Say you're sorry when you
2579 hurt someone. Wash your hands before you eat. Flush. Warm cookies and
2580 cold milk are good for you. Live a balanced life. Learn some and think
2581 some and draw and paint and sing and dance and play and work every day
2583 Take a nap every afternoon. When you go out into the world, watch
2584 for traffic, hold hands, and stick together. Be aware of wonder. Remember
2585 the little seed in the plastic cup. The roots go down and the plant goes
2586 up and nobody really knows why, but we are all like that.
2588 Think of what a better world it would be if we all -- the whole
2589 world -- had cookies and milk about 3 o'clock every afternoon and then lay
2590 down with our blankets for a nap. Or if we had a basic policy in our nation
2591 and other nations to always put things back where we found them and cleaned
2592 up our own messes. And it is still true, no matter how old you are, when
2593 you go out into the world, it is best to hold hands and stick together.
2596 Mother seemed pleased by my draft notice. "Just think of all the
2597 people in England, they've chosen you, it's a great honour, son."
2598 Laughingly I felled her with a right cross.
2601 Moving along a dimly light street, a man I know was suddenly
2602 approached by a stranger who had slipped from the shadows nearby.
2603 "Please, sir," pleaded the stranger, "would you be so kind as
2604 to help a poor unfortunate fellow who is hungry and can't find work?
2605 All I have in the world is this gun."
2607 Mr. Jones related an incident from "some time back" when IBM Canada
2608 Ltd. of Markham, Ont., ordered some parts from a new supplier in Japan. The
2609 company noted in its order that acceptable quality allowed for 1.5 per cent
2610 defects (a fairly high standard in North America at the time).
2611 The Japanese sent the order, with a few parts packaged separately in
2612 plastic. The accompanying letter said: "We don't know why you want 1.5 per
2613 cent defective parts, but for your convenience, we've packed them separately."
2614 -- Excerpted from an article in The (Toronto) Globe and Mail
2616 Murray and Esther, a middle-aged Jewish couple, are touring Chile.
2617 Murray just got a new camera and is constantly snapping pictures. One day,
2618 without knowing it, he photographs a top-secret military installation. In
2619 an instant, armed troops surround Murray and Esther and hustle them off to
2621 They can't prove who they are because they've left their passports
2622 in their hotel room. For three weeks they're tortured day and night to get
2623 them to name their contacts in the liberation movement... Finally they're
2624 hauled in front of a military court, charged with espionage, and sentenced
2626 The next morning they're lined up in front of the wall where they'll
2627 be shot. The sergeant in charge of the firing squad asks them if they have
2628 any last requests. Esther wants to know if she can call her daughter in
2629 Chicago. The sergeant says he's sorry, that's not possible, and turns to
2631 "This is crazy!" Murray shouts. "We're not spies!" And he
2632 spits in the sergeants face.
2633 "Murray!" Esther cries. "Please! Don't make trouble."
2636 My friends, I am here to tell you of the wondrous continent known as
2637 Africa. Well we left New York drunk and early on the morning of February 31.
2638 We were 15 days on the water, and 3 on the boat when we finally arrived in
2639 Africa. Upon our arrival we immediately set up a rigorous schedule: Up at
2640 6:00, breakfast, and back in bed by 7:00. Pretty soon we were back in bed by
2641 6:30. Now Africa is full of big game. The first day I shot two bucks. That
2642 was the biggest game we had. Africa is primarily inhabited by Elks, Moose
2643 and Knights of Pithiests.
2644 The elks live up in the mountains and come down once a year for their
2645 annual conventions. And you should see them gathered around the water hole,
2646 which they leave immediately when they discover it's full of water. They
2647 weren't looking for a water hole. They were looking for an alck hole.
2648 One morning I shot an elephant in my pajamas, how he got in my
2649 pajamas, I don't know. Then we tried to remove the tusks. That's a tough
2650 word to say, tusks. As I said we tried to remove the tusks, but they were
2651 embedded so firmly we couldn't get them out. But in Alabama the Tusks are
2652 looser, but that is totally irrelephant to what I was saying.
2653 We took some pictures of the native girls, but they weren't developed.
2654 So we're going back in a few years...
2657 My message is not that biological determinists were bad scientists or
2658 even that they were always wrong. Rather, I believe that science must be
2659 understood as a social phenomenon, a gutsy, human enterprise, not the work of
2660 robots programmed to collect pure information. I also present this view as
2661 an upbeat for science, not as a gloomy epitaph for a noble hope sacrificed on
2662 the alter of human limitations.
2663 I believe that a factual reality exists and that science, though often
2664 in an obtuse and erratic manner, can learn about it. Galileo was not shown
2665 the instruments of torture in an abstract debate about lunar motion. He had
2666 threatened the Church's conventional argument for social and doctrinal
2667 stability: the static world order with planets circling about a central
2668 earth, priests subordinate to the Pope and serfs to their lord. But the
2669 Church soon made its peace with Galileo's cosmology. They had no choice; the
2670 earth really does revolve about the sun.
2671 -- S.J. Gould, "The Mismeasure of Man"
2673 "My mother," said the sweet young steno, "says there are some things
2674 a girl should not do before twenty."
2675 "Your mother is right," said the executive, "I don't like a large
2678 n = ((n >> 1) & 0x55555555) | ((n << 1) & 0xaaaaaaaa);
2679 n = ((n >> 2) & 0x33333333) | ((n << 2) & 0xcccccccc);
2680 n = ((n >> 4) & 0x0f0f0f0f) | ((n << 4) & 0xf0f0f0f0);
2681 n = ((n >> 8) & 0x00ff00ff) | ((n << 8) & 0xff00ff00);
2682 n = ((n >> 16) & 0x0000ffff) | ((n << 16) & 0xffff0000);
2684 -- Reverse the bits in a word.
2686 Never ask your lover if he'd dive in front of an oncoming train for
2687 you. He doesn't know. Never ask your lover if she'd dive in front of an
2688 oncoming band of Hell's Angels for you. She doesn't know. Never ask how many
2689 cigarettes your lover has smoked today. Cancer is a personal commitment.
2690 Never ask to see pictures of your lover's former lovers -- especially
2691 the ones who dived in front of trains. If you look like one of them, you are
2692 repeating history's mistakes. If you don't, you'll wonder what he or she saw
2694 While we are on the subject of pictures: You may admire the picture
2695 of your lover cavorting naked in a tidal pool on Maui. Don't ask who took
2696 it. The answer is obvious. A Japanese tourist took the picture.
2697 Never ask if your lover has had therapy. Only people who have had
2698 therapy ask if people have had therapy.
2699 Don't ask about plaster casts of male sex organs marked JIMI, JIM, etc.
2700 Assume that she bought them at a flea market.
2701 -- James Peterson and Kate Nolan
2703 NEW YORK-- Kraft Foods, Inc. announced today that its board of
2704 directors unanimously rejected the $11 billion takeover bid by Philip
2705 Morris and Co. A Kraft spokesman stated in a press conference that the
2706 offer was rejected because the $90-per-share bid did not reflect the
2707 true value of the company.
2708 Wall Street insiders, however, tell quite a different story.
2709 Apparently, the Kraft board of directors had all but signed the takeover
2710 agreement when they learned of Philip Morris' marketing plans for one of
2711 their major Middle East subsidiaries. To a person, the board voted to
2712 reject the bid when they discovered that the tobacco giant intended to
2713 reorganize Israeli Cheddar, Ltd., and name the new company Cheeses of
2716 "No, I understand now," Auberon said, calm in the woods -- it was so
2717 simple, really. "I didn't, for a long time, but I do now. You just can't
2718 hold people, you can't own them. I mean it's only natural, a natural process
2719 really. Meet. Love. Part. Life goes on. There was never any reason to
2720 expect her to stay always the same -- I mean `in love,' you know." There were
2721 those doubt-quotes of Smoky's, heavily indicated. "I don't hold a grudge. I
2723 "You do," Grandfather Trout said. "And you don't understand."
2724 -- Little, Big, "John Crowley"
2726 Now she speaks rapidly. "Do you know *why* you want to program?"
2727 He shakes his head. He hasn't the faintest idea.
2728 "For the sheer *joy* of programming!" she cries triumphantly.
2729 "The joy of the parent, the artist, the craftsman. "You take a program,
2730 born weak and impotent as a dimly-realized solution. You nurture the
2731 program and guide it down the right path, building, watching it grow ever
2732 stronger. Sometimes you paint with tiny strokes, a keystroke added here,
2733 a keystroke changed there." She sweeps her arm in a wide arc. "And other
2734 times you savage whole *blocks* of code, ripping out the program's very
2735 *essence*, then beginning anew. But always building, creating, filling the
2736 program with your own personal stamp, your own quirks and nuances. Watching
2737 the program grow stronger, patching it when it crashes, until finally it can
2738 stand alone -- proud, powerful, and perfect. This is the programmer's finest
2739 hour!" Softly at first, then louder, he hears the strains of a Sousa march.
2740 "This ... this is your canvas! your clay! Go forth and create a masterwork!"
2742 Obviously the subject of death was in the air, but more as something
2743 to be avoided than harped upon.
2744 Possibly the horror that Zaphod experienced at the prospect of being
2745 reunited with his deceased relatives led on to the thought that they might
2746 just feel the same way about him and, what's more, be able to do something
2747 about helping to postpone this reunion.
2750 "Oh sure, this costume may look silly, but it lets me get in and out
2751 of dangerous situations -- I work for a federal task force doing a survey on
2752 urban crime. Look, here's my ID, and here's a number you can call, that will
2753 put you through to our central base in Atlanta. Go ahead, call -- they'll
2755 "Unless, of course, the Astro-Zombies have destroyed it."
2758 Old Barlow was a crossing-tender at a junction where an express train
2759 demolished an automobile and it's occupants. Being the chief witness, his
2760 testimony was vitally important. Barlow explained that the night was dark,
2761 and he waved his lantern frantically, but the driver of the car paid
2762 no attention to the signal.
2763 The railroad company won the case, and the president of the company
2764 complimented the old-timer for his story. "You did wonderfully," he said,
2765 "I was afraid you would waver under testimony."
2766 "No sir," exclaimed the senior, "but I sure was afraid that durned
2767 lawyer was gonna ask me if my lantern was lit."
2769 On his first day as a bus driver, Maxey Eckstein handed in
2770 receipts of $65. The next day his take was $67. The third day's
2771 income was $62. But on the fourth day, Eckstein emptied no less than
2772 $283 on the desk before the cashier.
2773 "Eckstein!" exclaimed the cashier. "This is fantastic. That
2774 route never brought in money like this! What happened?"
2775 "Well, after three days on that cockamamy route, I figured
2776 business would never improve, so I drove over to Fourteenth Street and
2777 worked there. I tell you, that street is a gold mine!"
2779 On the day of his anniversary, Joe was frantically shopping
2780 around for a present for his wife. He knew what she wanted, a
2781 grandfather clock for the living room, but he found the right one
2782 almost impossible to find. Finally, after many hours of searching, Joe
2783 found just the clock he wanted, but the store didn't deliver. Joe,
2784 desperate, paid the shopkeeper, hoisted the clock onto his back, and
2785 staggered out onto the sidewalk. On the way home, he passed a bar.
2786 Just as he reached the door, a drunk stumbled out and crashed into Joe,
2787 sending himself, Joe, and the clock into the gutter. Murphy's law
2788 being in effect, the clock ended up in roughly a thousand pieces.
2789 "You stupid drunk!" screamed Joe, jumping up from the
2790 wreckage. "Why don't you look where the hell you're going!"
2791 With quiet dignity the drunk stood up somewhat unsteadily and
2792 dusted himself off. "And why don't you just wear a wristwatch like a
2795 On the occasion of Nero's 25th birthday, he arrived at the Colosseum
2796 to find that the Praetorian Guard had prepared a treat for him in the arena.
2797 There stood 25 naked virgins, like candles on a cake, tied to poles, burning
2798 alive. "Wonderful!" exclaimed the deranged emperor, "but one of them isn't
2799 dead yet. I can see her lips moving. Go quickly and find out what she is
2801 The centurion saluted, and hurried out to the virgin, getting as near
2802 the flames as he dared, and listened intently. Then he turned and ran back
2803 to the imperial box. "She is not talking," he reported to Nero, "she is
2805 "Singing?" said the astounded emperor. "Singing what?"
2806 "Happy birthday to you, happy birthday to you..."
2808 On the other hand, the TCP camp also has a phrase for OSI people.
2809 There are lots of phrases. My favorite is `nitwit' -- and the rationale
2810 is the Internet philosophy has always been you have extremely bright,
2811 non-partisan researchers look at a topic, do world-class research, do
2812 several competing implementations, have a bake-off, determine what works
2813 best, write it down and make that the standard.
2814 The OSI view is entirely opposite. You take written contributions
2815 from a much larger community, you put the contributions in a room of
2816 committee people with, quite honestly, vast political differences and all
2817 with their own political axes to grind, and four years later you get
2818 something out, usually without it ever having been implemented once.
2819 So the Internet perspective is implement it, make it work well,
2820 then write it down, whereas the OSI perspective is to agree on it, write
2821 it down, circulate it a lot and now we'll see if anyone can implement it
2822 after it's an international standard and every vendor in the world is
2823 committed to it. One of those processes is backwards, and I don't think
2824 it takes a Lucasian professor of physics at Oxford to figure out which.
2825 -- Marshall Rose, "The Pied Piper of OSI"
2827 On this morning in August when I was 13, my mother sent us out pick
2828 tomatoes. Back in April I'd have killed for a fresh tomato, but in August
2829 they are no more rare or wonderful than rocks. So I picked up one and threw
2830 it at a crab apple tree, where it made a good *splat*, and then threw a tomato
2831 at my brother. He whipped one back at me. We ducked down by the vines,
2832 heaving tomatoes at each other. My sister, who was a good person, said,
2833 "You're going to get it." She bent over and kept on picking.
2834 What a target! She was 17, a girl with big hips, and bending over,
2835 she looked like the side of a barn.
2836 I picked up a tomato so big it sat on the ground. It looked like it
2837 had sat there a week. The underside was brown, small white worms lived in it,
2838 and it was very juicy. I stood up and took aim, and went into the windup,
2839 when my mother at the kitchen window called my name in a sharp voice. I had
2840 to decide quickly. I decided.
2841 A rotten Big Boy hitting the target is a memorable sound, like a fat
2842 man doing a belly-flop. With a whoop and a yell the tomato came after
2843 faster than I knew she could run, and grabbed my shirt and was about to brain
2844 me when Mother called her name in a sharp voice. And my sister, who was a
2845 good person, obeyed and let go -- and burst into tears. I guess she knew that
2846 the pleasure of obedience is pretty thin compared with the pleasure of hearing
2847 a rotten tomato hit someone in the rear end.
2848 -- Garrison Keillor, "Lake Wobegon Days"
2850 Once again we find ourselves enmeshed in The Holiday Season, that very
2851 special time of year when we join with our loved ones in sharing centuries-old
2852 traditions such as trying to find a parking space at the mall. We
2853 traditionally do this in my family by driving around the parking lot until we
2854 see a shopper emerge from the mall. Then we follow her, in very much the same
2855 spirit as the Three Wise Men, who, 2,000 years ago, followed a star, week after
2856 week, until it led them to a parking space.
2857 We try to keep our bumper about 4 inches from the shopper's calves, to
2858 let the other circling cars know that she belongs to us. Sometimes, two cars
2859 will get into a fight over whom the shopper belongs to, similar to the way
2860 great white sharks will fight over who gets to eat a snorkeler. So, we follow
2861 our shopper closely, hunched over the steering wheel, whistling "It's Beginning
2862 to Look a Lot Like Christmas" through our teeth, until we arrive at her car,
2863 which is usually parked several time zones away from the mall. Sometimes our
2864 shopper tries to indicate she was merely planning to drop off some packages and
2865 go back to shopping. But, when she hears our engine rev in a festive fashion
2866 and sees the holiday gleam in our eyes, she realizes she would never make it.
2867 -- Dave Barry, "Holiday Joy -- Or, the Great Parking Lot
2870 Once there lived a village of creatures along the bottom of a great
2871 crystal river. Each creature in its own manner clung tightly to the twigs
2872 and rocks of the river bottom, for clinging was their way of life, and
2873 resisting the current what each had learned from birth. But one creature
2874 said at last, "I trust that the current knows where it is going. I shall
2875 let go, and let it take me where it will. Clinging, I shall die of boredom."
2876 The other creatures laughed and said, "Fool! Let go, and that current
2877 you worship will throw you tumbled and smashed across the rocks, and you will
2878 die quicker than boredom!"
2879 But the one heeded them not, and taking a breath did let go, and at
2880 once was tumbled and smashed by the current across the rocks. Yet, in time,
2881 as the creature refused to cling again, the current lifted him free from the
2882 bottom, and he was bruised and hurt no more.
2883 And the creatures downstream, to whom he was a stranger, cried, "See
2884 a miracle! A creature like ourselves, yet he flies! See the Messiah, come
2885 to save us all!" And the one carried in the current said, "I am no more
2886 Messiah than you. The river delight to lift us free, if only we dare let go.
2887 Our true work is this voyage, this adventure.
2888 But they cried the more, "Saviour!" all the while clinging to the
2889 rocks, making legends of a Saviour.
2892 Once there was a marine biologist who loved dolphins. He spent his
2893 time trying to feed and protect his beloved creatures of the sea. One day,
2894 in a fit of inventive genius, he came up with a serum that would make
2895 dolphins live forever!
2896 Of course he was ecstatic. But he soon realized that in order to mass
2897 produce this serum he would need large amounts of a certain compound that was
2898 only found in nature in the metabolism of a rare South American bird. Carried
2899 away by his love for dolphins, he resolved that he would go to the zoo and
2900 steal one of these birds.
2901 Unbeknownst to him, as he was arriving at the zoo an elderly lion was
2902 escaping from its cage. The zookeepers were alarmed and immediately began
2903 combing the zoo for the escaped animal, unaware that it had simply lain down
2904 on the sidewalk and had gone to sleep.
2905 Meanwhile, the marine biologist arrived at the zoo and procured his
2906 bird. He was so excited by the prospect of helping his dolphins that he
2907 stepped absentmindedly stepped over the sleeping lion on his way back to his
2908 car. Immediately, 1500 policemen converged on him and arrested him for
2909 transporting a myna across a staid lion for immortal porpoises.
2911 Once upon a time there was a beautiful young girl taking a stroll
2912 through the woods. All at once she saw an extremely ugly bull frog seated
2913 on a log and to her amazement the frog spoke to her. "Maiden," croaked the
2914 frog, "would you do me a favor? This will be hard for you to believe, but
2915 I was once a handsome, charming prince and then a mean, ugly old witch cast
2916 a spell over me and turned me into a frog."
2917 "Oh, what a pity!", exclaimed the girl. "I'll do anything I can to
2918 help you break such a spell."
2919 "Well," replied the frog, "the only way that this spell can be
2920 taken away is for some lovely young woman to take me home and let me spend
2921 the night under her pillow."
2922 The young girl took the ugly frog home and placed him beneath her
2923 pillow that night when she retired. When she awoke the next morning, sure
2924 enough, there beside her in bed was a very young, handsome man, clearly of
2925 royal blood. And so they lived happily ever after, except that to this day
2926 her father and mother still don't believe her story.
2928 Once upon a time, there was a fisherman who lived by a great river.
2929 One day, after a hard day's fishing, he hooked what seemed to him to be the
2930 biggest, strongest fish he had ever caught. He fought with it for hours,
2931 until, finally, he managed to bring it to the surface. Looking of the edge
2932 of the boat, he saw the head of this huge fish breaking the surface. Smiling
2933 with pride, he reached over the edge to pull the fish up. Unfortunately, he
2934 accidentally caught his watch on the edge, and, before he knew it, there was a
2935 snap, and his watch tumbled into the water next to the fish with a loud
2936 "sploosh!" Distracted by this shiny object, the fish made a sudden lunge,
2937 simultaneously snapping the line, and swallowing the watch. Sadly, the
2938 fisherman stared into the water, and then began the slow trip back home.
2939 Many years later, the fisherman, now an old man, was working in a
2940 boring assembly-line job in a large city. He worked in a fish-processing
2941 plant. It was his job, as each fish passed under his hands, to chop off their
2942 heads, readying them for the next phase in processing. This monotonous task
2943 went on for years, the dull *thud* of the cleaver chopping of each head being
2944 his entire world, day after day, week after weary week. Well, one day, as he
2945 was chopping fish, he happened to notice that the fish coming towards him on
2946 the line looked very familiar. Yes, yes, it looked... could it be the fish
2947 he had lost on that day so many years ago? He trembled with anticipation as
2948 his cleaver came down. IT STRUCK SOMETHING HARD! IT WAS HIS THUMB!
2950 Once upon a time, there were five blind men who had the opportunity
2951 to experience an elephant for the first time. One approached the elephant,
2952 and, upon encountering one of its sturdy legs, stated, "Ah, an elephant is
2953 like a tree." The second, after exploring the trunk, said, "No, an elephant
2954 is like a strong hose." The third, grasping the tail, said "Fool! An elephant
2955 is like a rope!" The fourth, holding an ear, stated, "No, more like a fan."
2956 And the fifth, leaning against the animal's side, said, "An elephant is like
2957 a wall." The five then began to argue loudly about who had the more accurate
2958 perception of the elephant.
2959 The elephant, tiring of all this abuse, suddenly reared up and
2960 attacked the men. He continued to trample them until they were nothing but
2961 bloody lumps of flesh. Then, strolling away, the elephant remarked, "It just
2962 goes to show that you can't depend on first impressions. When I first saw
2963 them I didn't think they they'd be any fun at all."
2965 Once upon a time there were three brothers who were knights
2966 in a certain kingdom. And, there was a Princess in a neighboring kingdom
2967 who was of marriageable age. Well, one day, in full armour, their horses,
2968 and their page, the three brothers set off to see if one of them could
2969 win her hand. The road was long and there were many obstacles along the
2970 way, robbers to be overcome, hard terrain to cross. As they coped with
2971 each obstacle they became more and more disgusted with their page. He was
2972 not only inept, he was a coward, he could not handle the horses, he was,
2973 in short, a complete flop. When they arrived at the court of the kingdom,
2974 they found that they were expected to present the Princess with some
2975 treasure. The two older brothers were discouraged, since they had not
2976 thought of this and were unprepared. The youngest, however, had the
2977 answer: Promise her anything, but give her our page.
2979 Once, when the secrets of science were the jealously guarded property
2980 of a small priesthood, the common man had no hope of mastering their arcane
2981 complexities. Years of study in musty classrooms were prerequisite to
2982 obtaining even a dim, incoherent knowledge of science.
2983 Today all that has changed: a dim, incoherent knowledge of science is
2984 available to anyone.
2985 -- Tom Weller, "Science Made Stupid"
2987 One day a student came to Moon and said, "I understand how to make
2988 a better garbage collector. We must keep a reference count of the pointers
2990 Moon patiently told the student the following story -- "One day a
2991 student came to Moon and said, "I understand how to make a better garbage
2994 One day it was announced that the young monk Kyogen had reached
2995 an enlightened state. Much impressed by this news, several of his peers
2996 went to speak with him.
2997 "We have heard that you are enlightened. Is this true?" his fellow
2999 "It is", Kyogen answered.
3000 "Tell us", said a friend, "how do you feel?"
3001 "As miserable as ever", replied the enlightened Kyogen.
3003 One evening he spoke. Sitting at her feet, his face raised to her,
3004 he allowed his soul to be heard. "My darling, anything you wish, anything
3005 I am, anything I can ever be... That's what I want to offer you -- not the
3006 things I'll get for you, but the thing in me that will make me able to get
3007 them. That thing -- a man can't renounce it -- but I want to renounce it --
3008 so that it will be yours -- so that it will be in your service -- only for
3010 The girl smiled and asked: "Do you think I'm prettier than Maggie
3012 He got up. He said nothing and walked out of the house. He never
3013 saw that girl again. Gail Wynand, who prided himself on never needing a
3014 lesson twice, did not fall in love again in the years that followed.
3015 -- Ayn Rand, "The Fountainhead"
3017 One fine day, the bus driver went to the bus garage, started his bus,
3018 and drove off along the route. No problems for the first few stops -- a few
3019 people got on, a few got off, and things went generally well. At the next
3020 stop, however, a big hulk of a guy got on. Six feet eight, built like a
3021 wrestler, arms hanging down to the ground. He glared at the driver and said,
3022 "Big John doesn't pay!" and sat down at the back.
3023 Did I mention that the driver was five feet three, thin, and basically
3024 meek? Well, he was. Naturally, he didn't argue with Big John, but he wasn't
3025 happy about it. Well, the next day the same thing happened -- Big John got on
3026 again, made a show of refusing to pay, and sat down. And the next day, and the
3027 one after that, and so forth. This grated on the bus driver, who started
3028 losing sleep over the way Big John was taking advantage of him. Finally he
3029 could stand it no longer. He signed up for bodybuilding courses, karate, judo,
3030 and all that good stuff. By the end of the summer, he had become quite strong;
3031 what's more, he felt really good about himself.
3032 So on the next Monday, when Big John once again got on the bus
3033 and said "Big John doesn't pay!," the driver stood up, glared back at the
3034 passenger, and screamed, "And why not?"
3035 With a surprised look on his face, Big John replied, "Big John has a
3038 One night the captain of a tanker saw a light dead ahead. He
3039 directed his signalman to flash a signal to the light which went...
3040 "Change course 10 degrees South."
3041 The reply was quickly flashed back...
3042 "You change course 10 degrees North."
3043 The captain was a little annoyed at this reply and sent a further
3045 "I am a captain. Change course 10 degrees South."
3046 Back came the reply...
3047 "I am an able-seaman. Change course 10 degrees North."
3048 The captain was outraged at this reply and send a message....
3049 "I am a 240,000 tonne tanker. CHANGE course 10 degrees South!"
3050 Back came the reply...
3051 "I am a LIGHTHOUSE. Change course 10 degrees North!!!!"
3052 -- Cruising Helmsman, "On The Right Course"
3054 One of the questions that comes up all the time is: How enthusiastic
3055 is our support for UNIX?
3056 Unix was written on our machines and for our machines many years ago.
3057 Today, much of UNIX being done is done on our machines. Ten percent of our
3058 VAXs are going for UNIX use. UNIX is a simple language, easy to understand,
3059 easy to get started with. It's great for students, great for somewhat casual
3060 users, and it's great for interchanging programs between different machines.
3061 And so, because of its popularity in these markets, we support it. We have
3062 good UNIX on VAX and good UNIX on PDP-11s.
3063 It is our belief, however, that serious professional users will run
3064 out of things they can do with UNIX. They'll want a real system and will end
3065 up doing VMS when they get to be serious about programming.
3066 With UNIX, if you're looking for something, you can easily and quickly
3067 check that small manual and find out that it's not there. With VMS, no matter
3068 what you look for -- it's literally a five-foot shelf of documentation -- if
3069 you look long enough it's there. That's the difference -- the beauty of UNIX
3070 is it's simple; and the beauty of VMS is that it's all there.
3071 -- Ken Olsen, president of DEC, DECWORLD Vol. 8 No. 5, 1984
3072 [It's been argued that the beauty of UNIX is the same as the beauty of Ken
3076 ...a report citing a study by Dr. Thomas C. Chalmers, of the Mount Sinai
3077 Medical Center in New York, which compared two groups that were being used
3078 to test the theory that ascorbic acid is a cold preventative. "The group
3079 on placebo who thought they were on ascorbic acid," says Dr. Chalmers,
3080 "had fewer colds than the group on ascorbic acid who thought they were
3083 The placebo is proof that there is no real separation between mind and body.
3084 Illness is always an interaction between both. It can begin in the mind and
3085 affect the body, or it can begin in the body and affect the mind, both of
3086 which are served by the same bloodstream. Attempts to treat most mental
3087 diseases as though they were completely free of physical causes and attempts
3088 to treat most bodily diseases as though the mind were in no way involved must
3089 be considered archaic in the light of new evidence about the way the human
3092 "Anatomy of an Illness as Perceived by the Patient"
3094 Penn's aunts made great apple pies at low prices. No one else in
3095 town could compete with the pie rates of Penn's aunts.
3096 During the American Revolution, a Britisher tried to raid a farm. He
3097 stumbled across a rock on the ground and fell, whereupon an aggressive Rhode
3098 Island Red hopped on top. Seeing this, the farmer commented, "Chicken catch
3100 A wife started serving chopped meat, Monday hamburger, Tuesday meat
3101 loaf, Wednesday tartar steak, and Thursday meatballs. On Friday morning her
3102 husband snarled, "How now, ground cow?"
3103 A journalist, thrilled over his dinner, asked the chef for the recipe.
3104 Retorted the chef, "Sorry, we have the same policy as you journalists, we
3105 never reveal our sauce."
3106 A new chef from India was fired a week after starting the job. He
3107 kept favoring curry.
3108 A couple of kids tried using pickles instead of paddles for a Ping-Pong
3109 game. They had the volley of the Dills.
3111 People of all sorts of genders are reporting great difficulty,
3112 these days, in selecting the proper words to refer to those of the female
3114 "Lady," "woman," and "girl" are all perfectly good words, but
3115 misapplying them can earn one anything from the charge of vulgarity to a good
3116 swift smack. We are messing here with matters of deference, condescension,
3117 respect, bigotry, and two vague concepts, age and rank. It is troubling
3118 enough to get straight who is really what. Those who deliberately misuse
3119 the terms in a misbegotten attempt at flattery are asking for it.
3120 A woman is any grown-up female person. A girl is the un-grown-up
3121 version. If you call a wee thing with chubby cheeks and pink hair ribbons a
3122 "woman," you will probably not get into trouble, and if you do, you will be
3123 able to handle it because she will be under three feet tall. However, if you
3124 call a grown-up by a child's name for the sake of implying that she has a
3125 youthful body, you are also implying that she has a brain to match.
3127 "Perhaps he is not honest," Mr. Frostee said inside Cobb's head,
3128 sounding a bit worried.
3129 "Of course he isn't," Cobb answered. "What we have to look out for
3130 is him calling the cops anyway, or trying to blackmail us for more money."
3131 "I think you should kill him and eat his brain," Mr. Frostee
3133 "That's not the answer to *every* problem in interpersonal relations,"
3134 Cobb said, hopping out.
3135 -- Rudy Rucker, "Software"
3137 Phases of a Project:
3141 (4) Search for the Guilty.
3142 (5) Punishment for the Innocent.
3143 (6) Distinction for the Uninvolved.
3145 Price Wang's programmer was coding software. His fingers danced upon
3146 the keyboard. The program compiled without an error message, and the program
3147 ran like a gentle wind.
3148 Excellent!" the Price exclaimed, "Your technique is faultless!"
3149 "Technique?" said the programmer, turning from his terminal, "What I
3150 follow is the Tao -- beyond all technique. When I first began to program I
3151 would see before me the whole program in one mass. After three years I no
3152 longer saw this mass. Instead, I used subroutines. But now I see nothing.
3153 My whole being exists in a formless void. My senses are idle. My spirit,
3154 free to work without a plan, follows its own instinct. In short, my program
3155 writes itself. True, sometimes there are difficult problems. I see them
3156 coming, I slow down, I watch silently. Then I change a single line of code
3157 and the difficulties vanish like puffs of idle smoke. I then compile the
3158 program. I sit still and let the joy of the work fill my being. I close my
3159 eyes for a moment and then log off."
3160 Price Wang said, "Would that all of my programmers were as wise!"
3161 -- Geoffrey James, "The Tao of Programming"
3163 "Reintegration complete," ZORAC advised. "We're back in the
3164 universe again..." An unusually long pause followed, "...but I don't
3165 know which part. We seem to have changed our position in space." A
3166 spherical display in the middle of the floor illuminated to show the
3167 starfield surrounding the ship.
3168 "Several large, artificial constructions are approaching us,"
3169 ZORAC announced after a short pause. "The designs are not familiar, but
3170 they are obviously the products of intelligence. Implications: we have
3171 been intercepted deliberately by a means unknown, for a purpose unknown,
3172 and transferred to a place unknown by a form of intelligence unknown.
3173 Apart from the unknowns, everything is obvious."
3174 -- James P. Hogan, "Giants Star"
3176 Reporters like Bill Greider from the Washington Post and Him
3177 Naughton of the New York Times, for instance, had to file long, detailed,
3178 and relatively complex stories every day -- while my own deadline fell
3179 every two weeks -- but neither of them ever seemed in a hurry about
3180 getting their work done, and from time to time they would try to console
3181 me about the terrible pressure I always seemed to be laboring under.
3182 Any $100-an-hour psychiatrist could probably explain this problem
3183 to me, in thirteen or fourteen sessions, but I don't have time for that.
3184 No doubt it has something to do with a deep-seated personality defect, or
3185 maybe a kink in whatever blood vessel leads into the pineal gland... On
3186 the other hand, it might be something as simple & basically perverse as
3187 whatever instinct it is that causes a jackrabbit to wait until the last
3188 possible second to dart across the road in front of a speeding car.
3189 -- H.S. Thompson, "Fear and Loathing: On the Campaign Trail"
3191 "Richard, in being so fierce toward my vampire, you were doing
3192 what you wanted to do, even though you thought it was going to hurt
3193 somebody else. He even told you he'd be hurt if..."
3194 "He was going to suck my blood!"
3195 "Which is what we do to anyone when we tell them we'll be hurt
3196 if they don't live our way."
3198 "The thing that puzzles you," he said, "is an accepted saying that
3199 happens to be impossible. The phrase is hurt somebody else. We choose,
3200 ourselves, to be hurt or not to be hurt, no matter what. Us who decides.
3201 Nobody else. My vampire told you he'd be hurt if you didn't let him? That's
3202 his decision to be hurt, that's his choice. What you do about it is your
3203 decision, your choice: give him blood; ignore him; tie him up; drive a stake
3204 through his heart. If he doesn't want the holly stake, he's free to resist,
3205 in whatever way he wants. It goes on and on, choices, choices."
3206 "When you look at it that way..."
3207 "Listen," he said, "it's important. We are all. Free. To do.
3208 Whatever. We want. To do."
3209 -- Richard Bach, "Illusions"
3211 Risch's decision procedure for integration, not surprisingly,
3212 uses a recursion on the number and type of the extensions from the
3213 rational functions needed to represent the integrand. Although the
3214 algorithm follows and critically depends upon the appropriate structure
3215 of the input, as in the case of multivariate factorization, we cannot
3216 claim that the algorithm is a natural one. In fact, the creator of
3217 differential algebra, Ritt, committed suicide in the early 1950's,
3218 largely, it is claimed, because few paid attention to his work. Probably
3219 he would have received more attention had he obtained the algorithm as
3221 -- Joel Moses, "Algorithms and Complexity", ed. J.F. Traub
3223 Robert Kennedy's 1964 Senatorial campaign planners told him that
3224 their intention was to present him to the television viewers as a sincere,
3225 generous person. "You going to use a double?" asked Kennedy.
3227 Thumbing through a promotional pamphlet prepared for his 1964
3228 Senatorial campaign, Robert Kennedy came across a photograph of himself
3229 shaking hands with a well-known labor leader.
3230 "There must be a better photo that this," said Kennedy to the
3231 advertising men in charge of his campaign.
3232 "What's wrong with this one?" asked one adman.
3233 "That fellow's in jail," said Kennedy.
3234 -- Bill Adler, "The Washington Wits"
3242 Sam went to his psychiatrist complaining of a hatred for elephants.
3243 "I can't stand elephants," he explained. "I lie awake nights despising
3244 them. The thought of an elephant fills me with loathing."
3245 "Sam," said the psychiatrist, "there's only one thing for you to do.
3246 Go to Africa, organize a safari, find an elephant in the jungle and shoot it.
3247 That way you'll get it out of your system."
3248 Sam immediately made arrangements for a safari hunt in Africa,
3249 inviting his best friend to join him. They arrived in Nairobi and lost no
3250 time getting out on the jungle trails. After they had been hunting for
3251 several days, Sam's best friend grabbed him by the arm one morning and
3253 "Sam, Sam, Sam! Over there behind that tree there's and elephant!
3254 Sam -- Get your gun -- no, no, not THAT gun -- the rifle with the longer
3255 barrel! Now aim it! QUICK! SAM! QUICK! No! Not that way -- this way!
3256 Be sure you don't jerk the trigger! Wait SAM! Don't let him see you! Aim
3258 Sam whirled around, took aim, and killed his friend. He was put in
3259 prison and his psychiatrist flew to Africa to visit him. "I sent you over
3260 here to kill and elephant and instead you shoot your best friend," the
3261 psychiatrist said. "Why?"
3262 "Well," Sam replied, "there's only one thing in the world that I
3263 hate more than elephants and that is a loudmouth know-it-all!"
3265 Seems George was playing his usual eighteen holes on Saturday
3266 afternoon. Teeing off from the 17th, he sliced into the rough over near
3267 the edge of the fairway. Just as he was about to chip out, he noticed a
3268 long funeral procession going past on a nearby street. Reverently, George
3269 removed his hat and stood at attention until the procession had passed.
3270 Then he continued his game, finishing with a birdie on the eighteenth.
3271 Later, at the clubhouse, a fellow golfer greet George. "Say, that was a
3272 nice gesture you made today, George.
3273 "What do you mean?" asked George.
3274 "Well, it was nice of you to take off your cap and stand
3275 respectfully when that funeral went by," the friend replied.
3276 "Oh, yes," said George. "Well, we were married 17 years, you
3279 "Seven years and six months!" Humpty Dumpty repeated thoughtfully.
3280 "An uncomfortable sort of age. Now if you'd asked MY advice, I'd have
3281 said 'Leave off at seven' -- but it's too late now."
3282 "I never ask advice about growing," Alice said indignantly.
3283 "Too proud?" the other enquired.
3284 Alice felt even more indignant at this suggestion. "I mean,"
3285 she said, "that one can't help growing older."
3286 "ONE can't, perhaps," said Humpty Dumpty; "but TWO can. With
3287 proper assistance, you might have left off at seven."
3288 -- Lewis Carroll, "Through the Looking-Glass"
3290 Several students were asked to prove that all odd integers are prime.
3291 The first student to try to do this was a math student. "Hmmm...
3292 Well, 1 is prime, 3 is prime, 5 is prime, and by induction, we have that all
3293 the odd integers are prime."
3294 The second student to try was a man of physics who commented, "I'm not
3295 sure of the validity of your proof, but I think I'll try to prove it by
3296 experiment." He continues, "Well, 1 is prime, 3 is prime, 5 is prime, 7 is
3297 prime, 9 is... uh, 9 is... uh, 9 is an experimental error, 11 is prime, 13
3298 is prime... Well, it seems that you're right."
3299 The third student to try it was the engineering student, who responded,
3300 "Well, to be honest, actually, I'm not sure of your answer either. Let's
3301 see... 1 is prime, 3 is prime, 5 is prime, 7 is prime, 9 is... uh, 9 is...
3302 well, if you approximate, 9 is prime, 11 is prime, 13 is prime... Well, it
3304 Not to be outdone, the computer science student comes along and says
3305 "Well, you two sort've got the right idea, but you'll end up taking too long!
3306 I've just whipped up a program to REALLY go and prove it." He goes over to
3307 his terminal and runs his program. Reading the output on the screen he says,
3308 "1 is prime, 1 is prime, 1 is prime, 1 is prime..."
3310 "Sheriff, we gotta catch Black Bart."
3311 "Oh, yeah? What's he look like?"
3312 "Well, he's wearin' a paper hat, a paper shirt, paper pants and
3314 "What's he wanted for?"
3317 Sixtus V, Pope from 1585 to 1590 authorized a printing of the
3318 Vulgate Bible. Taking no chances, the pope issued a papal bull
3319 automatically excommunicating any printer who might make an alteration
3320 in the text. This he ordered printed at the beginning of the Bible.
3321 He personally examined every sheet as it came off the press. Yet the
3322 published Vulgate Bible contained so many errors that corrected scraps
3323 had to be printed and pasted over them in every copy. The result
3324 provoked wry comments on the rather patchy papal infallibility, and
3325 Pope Sixtus had no recourse but to order the return and destruction of
3328 So Richard and I decided to try to catch [the small shark].
3329 With a great deal of strategy and effort and shouting, we managed to
3330 maneuver the shark, over the course of about a half-hour, to a sort of
3331 corner of the lagoon, so that it had no way to escape other than to
3332 flop up onto the land and evolve. Richard and I were inching toward
3333 it, sort of crouched over, when all of a sudden it turned around and --
3334 I can still remember the sensation I felt at that moment, primarily in
3335 the armpit area -- headed right straight toward us.
3336 Many people would have panicked at this point. But Richard and
3337 I were not "many people." We were experienced waders, and we kept our
3338 heads. We did exactly what the textbook says you should do when you're
3339 unarmed and a shark that is nearly two feet long turns on you in water
3340 up to your lower calves: We sprinted I would say 600 yards in the
3341 opposite direction, using a sprinting style such that the bottoms of
3342 our feet never once went below the surface of the water. We ran all
3343 the way to the far shore, and if we had been in a Warner Brothers
3344 cartoon we would have run right INTO the beach, and you would have seen
3345 these two mounds of sand racing across the island until they bonked
3346 into trees and coconuts fell onto their heads.
3347 -- Dave Barry, "The Wonders of Sharks on TV"
3349 Some 1500 miles west of the Big Apple we find the Minneapple, a
3350 haven of tranquility in troubled times. It's a good town, a civilized town.
3351 A town where they still know how to get your shirts back by Thursday. Let
3352 the Big Apple have the feats of "Broadway Joe" Namath. We have known the
3353 stolid but steady Killebrew. Listening to Cole Porter over a dry martini
3354 may well suit those unlucky enough never to have heard the Whoopee John Polka
3355 Band and never to have shared a pitcher of 3.2 Grain Belt Beer. The loss is
3356 theirs. And the Big Apple has yet to bake the bagel that can match peanut
3357 butter on lefse. Here is a town where the major urban problem is dutch elm
3358 disease and the number one crime is overtime parking. We boast more theater
3359 per capita than the Big Apple. We go to see, not to be seen. We go even
3360 when we must shovel ten inches of snow from the driveway to get there. Indeed
3361 the winters are fierce. But then comes the marvel of the Minneapple summer.
3362 People flock to the city's lakes to frolic and rejoice at the sight of so
3363 much happy humanity free from the bonds of the traditional down-filled parka.
3364 Here's to the Minneapple. And to its people. Our flair for style is balanced
3365 by a healthy respect for wind chill factors.
3366 And we always, always eat our vegetables.
3367 This is the Minneapple.
3369 Something mysterious is formed, born in the silent void. Waiting
3370 alone and unmoving, it is at once still and yet in constant motion. It is
3371 the source of all programs. I do not know its name, so I will call it the
3373 If the Tao is great, then the operating system is great. If the
3374 operating system is great, then the compiler is great. If the compiler is
3375 greater, then the applications is great. The user is pleased and there is
3376 harmony in the world.
3377 The Tao of Programming flows far away and returns on the wind of
3379 -- Geoffrey James, "The Tao of Programming"
3381 Somewhat alarmed at the continued growth of the number of employees
3382 on the Department of Agriculture payroll in 1962, Michigan Republican Robert
3383 Griffin proposed an amendment to the farm bill so that "the total number of
3384 employees in the Department of Agriculture at no time exceeds the number of
3385 farmers in America."
3386 -- Bill Adler, "The Washington Wits"
3388 "Somewhere", said Father Vittorini, "did Blake not speak of the
3389 Machineries of Joy? That is, did not God promote environments, then
3390 intimidate these Natures by provoking the existence of flesh, toy men and
3391 women, such as are we all? And thus happily sent forth, at our best, with
3392 good grace and fine wit, on calm noons, in fair climes, are we not God's
3393 Machineries of Joy?"
3394 "If Blake said that", said Father Brian, "he never lived in Dublin."
3395 -- R. Bradbury, "The Machineries of Joy"
3397 Split 1/4 bottle .187 liters
3399 Bottle 750 milliliters
3400 Magnum 2 bottles 1.5 liters
3402 Rehoboam 6 bottles Not available in the US
3403 Methuselah 8 bottles
3404 Salmanazar 12 bottles
3405 Balthazar 16 bottles
3406 Nebuchadnezzar 20 bottles 15 liters
3407 Sovereign 34 bottles 26 liters
3409 The Sovereign is a new bottle, made for the launching of the
3410 largest cruise ship in the world. The bottle alone cost 8,000 dollars
3411 to produce and they only made 8 of them.
3412 Most of the funny names come from Biblical people.
3414 Stop! Whoever crosseth the bridge of Death, must answer first
3415 these questions three, ere the other side he see!
3417 "What is your name?"
3418 "Sir Brian of Bell."
3419 "What is your quest?"
3420 "I seek the Holy Grail."
3421 "What are four lowercase letters that are not legal flag arguments
3422 to the Berkeley UNIX version of `ls'?"
3423 "I, er.... AIIIEEEEEE!"
3425 Strange memories on this nervous night in Las Vegas. Five years later?
3426 Six? It seems like a lifetime, or at least a Main Era -- the kind of peak that
3427 never comes again. San Francisco in the middle sixties was a very special time
3428 and place to be a part of. Maybe it meant something. Maybe not, in the long
3429 run... There was madness in any direction, at any hour. If not across the
3430 Bay, then up the Golden Gate or down 101 to Los Altos or La Honda... You could
3431 strike sparks anywhere. There was a fantastic universal sense that whatever we
3432 were doing was right, that we were winning...
3433 And that, I think, was the handle -- that sense of inevitable victory
3434 over the forces of Old and Evil. Not in any mean or military sense; we didn't
3435 need that. Our energy would simply prevail. There was no point in fighting
3436 -- on our side or theirs. We had all the momentum; we were riding the crest
3437 of a high and beautiful wave. So now, less than five years later, you can go
3438 up on a steep hill in Las Vegas and look West, and with the right kind of eyes
3439 you can almost see the high-water mark -- that place where the wave finally
3440 broke and rolled back.
3441 -- Hunter S. Thompson
3443 Take the folks at Coca-Cola. For many years, they were content
3444 to sit back and make the same old carbonated beverage. It was a good
3445 beverage, no question about it; generations of people had grown up
3446 drinking it and doing the experiment in sixth grade where you put a
3447 nail into a glass of Coke and after a couple of days the nail dissolves
3448 and the teacher says: "Imagine what it does to your TEETH!" So Coca-Cola
3449 was solidly entrenched in the market, and the management saw no need to
3451 -- Dave Barry, "In Search of Excellence"
3453 "That wife of mine is a liar," said the angry husband to a
3454 sympathetic pal seated next to him in a bar.
3455 "How do you know?" the friend asked.
3456 "She didn't come home last night, and when I asked her where
3457 she'd been she said she'd spent the night with her sister Shirley."
3459 "So, she's a liar. I spent the night with her sister Shirley."
3461 "That's right; the upper-case shift works fine on the screen, but
3462 they're not coming out on the damn printer... Hold? Sure, I'll hold."
3463 -- e.e. cummings last service call
3465 "The best thing for being sad," replied Merlin, beginning to puff
3466 and blow, "is to learn something. That's the only thing that never fails.
3467 You may grow old and trembling in your anatomies, you may lie awake at
3468 night listening to the disorder of your veins, you may miss your only love,
3469 you may see the world about you devastated by evil lunatics, or know your
3470 honour trampled in the sewers of baser minds. There is only one thing for
3471 it then -- to learn. Learn why the world wags and what wags it. That is
3472 the only thing which the mind can never exhaust, never alienate, never be
3473 tortured by, never fear or distrust, and never dream of regretting. Learning
3474 is the only thing for you. Look what a lot of things there are to learn."
3475 -- T.H. White, "The Once and Future King"
3477 The big problem with pornography is defining it. You can't just
3478 say it's pictures of people naked. For example, you have these
3479 primitive African tribes that exist by chasing the wildebeest on foot,
3480 and they have to go around largely naked, because, as the old tribal
3481 saying goes: "N'wam k'honi soit qui mali," which means, "If you think
3482 you can catch a wildebeest in this climate and wear clothes at the same
3483 time, then I have some beach front property in the desert region of
3484 Northern Mali that you may be interested in."
3485 So it's not considered pornographic when National Geographic
3486 publishes color photographs of these people hunting the wildebeest
3487 naked, or pounding one rock onto another rock for some primitive reason
3488 naked, or whatever. But if National Geographic were to publish an
3489 article entitled "The Girls of the California Junior College System
3490 Hunt the Wildebeest Naked," some people would call it pornography. But
3491 others would not. And still others, such as the Spectacularly Rev.
3492 Jerry Falwell, would get upset about seeing the wildebeest naked.
3493 -- Dave Barry, "Pornography"
3495 The birds are singing, the flowers are budding, and it is time
3496 for Miss Manners to tell young lovers to stop necking in public.
3497 It's not that Miss Manners is immune to romance. Miss Manners
3498 has been known to squeeze a gentleman's arm while being helped over a
3499 curb, and, in her wild youth, even to press a dainty slipper against a
3500 foot or two under the dinner table. Miss Manners also believes that the
3501 sight of people strolling hand in hand or arm in arm or arm in hand
3502 dresses up a city considerably more than the more familiar sight of
3503 people shaking umbrellas at one another. What Miss Manners objects to
3504 is the kind of activity that frightens the horses on the street...
3506 The boss returned from lunch in a good mood and called the whole staff
3507 in to listen to a couple of jokes he had picked up. Everybody but one girl
3508 laughed uproariously. "What's the matter?" grumbled the boss. "Haven't you
3509 got a sense of humor?"
3510 "I don't have to laugh," she said. "I'm leaving Friday anyway.
3512 The defense attorney was hammering away at the plaintiff:
3513 "You claim," he jeered, "that my client came at you with a broken bottle
3514 in his hand. But is it not true, that you had something in YOUR hand?"
3515 "Yes," the man admitted, "his wife. Very charming, of course,
3516 but not much good in a fight."
3518 The devout Jew was beside himself because his son had been dating
3519 a shiksa, so he went to visit his rabbi. The rabbi listened solemnly to
3520 his problem, took his hand, and said, "Pray to God."
3521 So the Jew went to the synagogue, bowed his head, and prayed, "God,
3522 please help me. My son, my favorite son, he's going to marry a shiksa, he
3523 sees nothing but goyim..."
3524 "Your son," boomed down this voice from the heavens, "you think
3525 you got problems. What about my son?"
3527 The doctor had just finished giving the young man a thorough
3528 physical examination. "The best thing for you to do," the M.D. said,
3529 "is give up drinking, give up smoking, get to bed early and stay away
3531 "Doc, I don't deserve the best," pleaded his patient. "What's
3534 The FIELD GUIDE to NORTH AMERICAN MALES
3536 SPECIES: Cranial Males
3537 SUBSPECIES: The Hacker (homo computatis)
3539 Due to extreme deprivation, HOMO COMPUTATIS maintains a near perpetual
3540 state of sexual readiness. Courtship behavior alternates between
3541 awkward shyness and abrupt advances. When he finally mates, he
3542 chooses a female engineer with an unblinking stare, a tight mouth, and
3543 a complete collection of Campbell's soup-can recipes.
3545 Trash cans full of pale green and white perforated paper and old
3546 copies of the Allen-Bradley catalog.
3548 Extremely fond of bad puns and jokes that need long explanations.
3550 The FIELD GUIDE to NORTH AMERICAN MALES
3552 SPECIES: Cranial Males
3553 SUBSPECIES: The Hacker (homo computatis)
3555 Gangly and frail, the hacker has a high forehead and thinning hair.
3556 Head disproportionately large and crooked forward, complexion wan and
3557 sightly gray from CRT illumination. He has heavy black-rimmed glasses
3558 and a look of intense concentration, which may be due to a software
3559 problem or to a pork-and-bean breakfast.
3561 HOMO COMPUTATIS saw a Brylcreem ad fifteen years ago and believed it.
3562 Consequently, crest is greased down, except for the cowlick.
3564 A rather plaintive "Is it up?"
3566 The FIELD GUIDE to NORTH AMERICAN MALES
3568 SPECIES: Cranial Males
3569 SUBSPECIES: The Hacker (homo computatis)
3571 All clothes have a slightly crumpled look as though they came off the
3572 top of the laundry basket. Style varies with status. Hacker managers
3573 wear gray polyester slacks, pink or pastel shirts with wide collars,
3574 and paisley ties; staff wears cinched-up baggy corduroy pants, white
3575 or blue shirts with button-down collars, and penholder in pocket.
3576 Both managers and staff wear running shoes to work, and a black
3577 plastic digital watch with calculator.
3579 The foreman of a lumber camp put a new workman on the circular saw.
3580 As he turned away, he heard the man say, "Ouch!".
3582 "Dunno," replied the man. "I just stuck out my hand like this, and
3583 -- well, I'll be damned. There goes another one!"
3585 The General disliked trying to explain the highly technical
3586 inner workings of the U.S. Air Force.
3587 "$7,662 for a ten cup coffee maker, General?" the Senator asked.
3588 In his head he ran through his standard explanations. "It's not so,"
3589 he thought. "It's a deterrent." Soon he came up with, "It's computerized,
3590 Senator. Tiny computer chips make coffee that's smooth and full-bodied. Try
3592 The Senator did. "Pfffttt! Tastes like jet fuel!"
3593 "It's not so," the General thought. "It's a deterrent."
3594 Then he remembered something. "We bought a lot of untested computer
3595 chips," the General answered. "They got into everything. Just a little
3596 mix-up. Nothing serious."
3597 Then he remembered something else. It was at the site of the
3598 mysterious B-1 crash. A strange smell in the fuel lines. It smelled like
3599 coffee. Smooth and full bodied...
3600 -- Another Episode of General's Hospital
3602 The geographical center of Boston is in Roxbury. Due north of
3603 the center we find the South End. This is not to be confused with South
3604 Boston which lies directly east from the South End. North of the South
3605 End is East Boston and southwest of East Boston is the North End.
3607 The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy has a few things to say on
3608 the subject of towels.
3609 Most importantly, a towel has immense psychological value. For
3610 some reason, if a non-hitchhiker discovers that a hitchhiker has his towel
3611 with him, he will automatically assume that he is also in possession of a
3612 toothbrush, washcloth, flask, gnat spray, space suit, etc., etc. Furthermore,
3613 the non-hitchhiker will then happily lend the hitchhiker any of these or
3614 a dozen other items that he may have "lost". After all, any man who can
3615 hitch the length and breadth of the Galaxy, struggle against terrible odds,
3616 win through and still know where his towel is, is clearly a man to be
3619 The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy has a few things to say on
3620 the subject of towels.
3621 A towel, it says, is about the most massively useful thing an
3622 interstellar hitchhiker can have. Partly it has great practical value.
3623 You can wrap it around you for warmth as you bound across the cold moons
3624 of Jaglan Beta; you can lie on it on the brilliant marble-sanded beaches
3625 of Santraginus V ... use it to sail a miniraft down the slow heavy River
3626 Moth; wave your towel in emergencies, and, of course, dry yourself off
3627 with it if it still seems to be clean enough.
3629 The honeymooning couple agreed it was a fine day for horseback riding.
3630 After a mile or so, the bride's mount cantered under a low tree and a
3631 branch scraped her forehead lightly. The groom dismounted, glared at his
3632 wife's horse, and said, "That's number one."
3633 The ride then proceeded. After another mile or so, the bride's
3634 horse stumbled over a pebble and the lady suffered a slight jostling.
3635 Again, her man leapt from his saddle and strode over to the nervous animal.
3636 "That's two," he said.
3637 Five miles later, the bride's horse became frightened when a rabbit
3638 crossed its path, reared up and threw the girl. Immediately, the groom was
3639 off his horse. "That's three!", he shouted, and, pulling out a pistol, he
3640 shot the horse between the eyes.
3641 "You brute!" shrieked his bride. "Now I see the kind of man I
3642 married! You're a sadist, that's what!"
3643 The groom turned to her coolly. "That's one," he said.
3645 The Lord and I are in a sheep-shepherd relationship, and I am in
3646 a position of negative need.
3647 He prostrates me in a green-belt grazing area.
3648 He conducts me directionally parallel to non-torrential aqueous
3650 He returns to original satisfaction levels my psychological makeup.
3651 He switches me on to a positive behavioral format for maximal
3652 prestige of His identity.
3653 It should indeed be said that notwithstanding the fact that I make
3654 ambulatory progress through the umbragious inter-hill mortality slot, terror
3655 sensations will no be initiated in me, due to para-etical phenomena.
3656 Your pastoral walking aid and quadrupic pickup unit introduce me
3657 into a pleasurific mood state.
3658 You design and produce a nutriment-bearing furniture-type structure
3659 in the context of non-cooperative elements.
3660 You act out a head-related folk ritual employing vegetable extract.
3661 My beverage utensil experiences a volume crisis.
3662 It is an ongoing deductible fact that your inter-relational
3663 empathetical and non-ventious capabilities will retain me as their
3664 target-focus for the duration of my non-death period, and I will possess
3665 tenant rights in the housing unit of the Lord on a permanent, open-ended
3668 The Magician of the Ivory Tower brought his latest invention for the
3669 master programmer to examine. The magician wheeled a large black box into the
3670 master's office while the master waited in silence.
3671 "This is an integrated, distributed, general-purpose workstation,"
3672 began the magician, "ergonomically designed with a proprietary operating
3673 system, sixth generation languages, and multiple state of the art user
3674 interfaces. It took my assistants several hundred man years to construct.
3676 The master raised his eyebrows slightly. "It is indeed amazing," he
3678 "Corporate Headquarters has commanded," continued the magician, "that
3679 everyone use this workstation as a platform for new programs. Do you agree
3681 "Certainly," replied the master, "I will have it transported to the
3682 data center immediately!" And the magician returned to his tower, well
3684 Several days later, a novice wandered into the office of the master
3685 programmer and said, "I cannot find the listing for my new program. Do
3686 you know where it might be?"
3687 "Yes," replied the master, "the listings are stacked on the platform
3688 in the data center."
3689 -- Geoffrey James, "The Tao of Programming"
3691 The Martian landed his saucer in Manhattan, and immediately upon
3692 emerging was approached by a panhandler. "Mister," said the man, "can I
3694 The Martian asked, "What's a quarter?"
3695 The panhandler thought a minute, brightened, then said, "You're
3696 right! Can I have a dollar?"
3698 The master programmer moves from program to program without fear. No
3699 change in management can harm him. He will not be fired, even if the project
3700 is canceled. Why is this? He is filled with the Tao.
3701 -- Geoffrey James, "The Tao of Programming"
3703 The Minnesota Board of Education voted to consider requiring all
3704 students to do some "volunteer work" as a prerequisite to high school gradu-
3706 Senator Orrin Hatch said that "capital punishment is our society's
3707 recognition of the sanctity of human life."
3709 According to the tax bill signed by President Reagan on December 22,
3710 1987, Don Tyson and his sister-in-law Barbara run a "family farm." Their
3711 "farm" has 25,000 employees and grosses $1.7 billion a year. But as a "family
3712 farm" they get tax breaks that save them $135 million a year.
3714 Scott L. Pickard, spokesperson for the Massachusetts Department of
3715 Public Works, calls them "ground-mounted confirmatory route markers." You
3716 probably call them road signs, but then you don't work in a government agency.
3718 It's not "elderly" or "senior citizens" anymore. Now it's "chrono-
3719 logically experienced citizens."
3721 According to the FAA, the propeller blade didn't break off, it was
3722 just a case of "uncontained blade liberation."
3723 -- Quarterly Review of Doublespeak (NCTE)
3725 "...The name of the song is called 'Haddocks' Eyes'!"
3726 "Oh, that's the name of the song, is it?" Alice said, trying to
3728 "No, you don't understand," the Knight said, looking a little
3729 vexed. "That's what the name is called. The name really is, 'The Aged
3731 "Then I ought to have said "That's what the song is called'?"
3732 Alice corrected herself.
3733 "No, you oughtn't: that's quite another thing! The song is
3734 called 'Ways and Means': but that's only what it is called you know!"
3735 "Well, what is the song then?" said Alice, who was by this
3736 time completely bewildered.
3737 "I was coming to that," the Knight said. "The song really is
3738 "A-sitting on a Gate": and the tune's my own invention."
3739 --Lewis Carroll, "Through the Looking Glass"
3741 The only real game in the world, I think, is baseball...
3742 You've got to start way down, at the bottom, when you're six or seven years
3743 old. You can't wait until you're fifteen or sixteen. You've got to let it
3744 grow up with you, and if you're successful and you try hard enough, you're
3745 bound to come out on top, just like these boys have come to the top now.
3746 -- Babe Ruth, in his 1948 farewell speech at Yankee Stadium
3748 The Priest's grey nimbus in a niche where he dressed discreetly.
3749 I will not sleep here tonight. Home also I cannot go.
3750 A voice, sweetened and sustained, called to him from the sea.
3751 Turning the curve he waved his hand. A sleek brown head, a seal's, far
3752 out on the water, round. Usurper.
3753 -- James Joyce, "Ulysses"
3755 The problem with engineers is that they tend to cheat in order to
3757 The problem with mathematicians is that they tend to work on toy
3758 problems in order to get results
3759 The problem with program verifiers is that they tend to cheat at
3760 toy problems in order to get results.
3762 The programmers of old were mysterious and profound. We cannot fathom
3763 their thoughts, so all we do is describe their appearance.
3764 Aware, like a fox crossing the water. Alert, like a general on the
3765 battlefield. Kind, like a hostess greeting her guests. Simple, like uncarved
3766 blocks of wood. Opaque, like black pools in darkened caves.
3767 Who can tell the secrets of their hearts and minds?
3768 The answer exists only in the Tao.
3769 -- Geoffrey James, "The Tao of Programming"
3771 The salesman and the system analyst took off to spend a weekend in the
3772 forest, hunting bear. They'd rented a cabin, and, when they got there, took
3773 their backpacks off and put them inside. At which point the salesman turned
3774 to his friend, and said, "You unpack while I go and find us a bear."
3775 Puzzled, the analyst finished unpacking and then went and sat down
3776 on the porch. Soon he could hear rustling noises in the forest. The noises
3777 got nearer -- and louder -- and suddenly there was the salesman, running like
3778 hell across the clearing toward the cabin, pursued by one of the largest and
3779 most ferocious grizzly bears the analyst had ever seen.
3780 "Open the door!", screamed the salesman.
3781 The analyst whipped open the door, and the salesman ran to the door,
3782 suddenly stopped, and stepped aside. The bear, unable to stop, continued
3783 through the door and into the cabin. The salesman slammed the door closed
3784 and grinned at his friend. "Got him!", he exclaimed, "now, you skin this
3785 one and I'll go rustle us up another!"
3787 The Soviet pre-eminence in chess can be traced to the average
3788 Russian's readiness to brood obsessively over anything, even the arrangement
3789 of some pieces of wood. Indeed, the Russians' predisposition for quiet
3790 reflection followed by sudden preventive action explains why they led the
3791 field for many years in both chess and ax murders. It is well known that as
3792 early as 1970, the U.S.S.R., aware of what a defeat at Reykjavik would do to
3793 national prestige, implemented a vigorous program of preparation and
3794 incentive. Every day for an entire year, a team of psychologists, chess
3795 analysts and coaches met with the top three Russian grand masters and
3796 threatened them with a pointy stick. That these tactics proved fruitless
3797 is now a part of chess history and a further testament to the American way,
3798 which provides that if you want something badly enough, you can always go to
3799 Iceland and get it from the Russians.
3800 -- Marshall Brickman, "Playboy"
3802 The Tao gave birth to machine language. Machine language gave birth
3804 The assembler gave birth to the compiler. Now there are ten thousand
3806 Each language has its purpose, however humble. Each language
3807 expresses the Yin and Yang of software. Each language has its place within
3809 But do not program in COBOL if you can avoid it.
3810 -- Geoffrey James, "The Tao of Programming"
3812 The way my jeweler explained it, it's like insurance.
3813 Six months' pay isn't much to keep my wife from sleeping around.
3815 A diamond -- pure, sparkling, natural, flawless, forever. The way marriage
3816 should be but never quite is. People grow and change and sometimes want to
3817 take their clothes off with strangers. So when you invest in a fine piece
3818 of diamond jewelry, you're not only making an investment, you're making a
3819 statement. You're telling the woman you love that you've just spent a lot
3820 of your hard-earned money on her. Now she owes you the kind of loyalty that
3821 only precious jewelry can buy. Isn't she worth it?
3823 The Honeymoon's Over: from $ 5000
3824 The Seven Year Itch: from $10000
3825 No More Lunchtime Quickies: from $15000
3826 Divorce Would Be More Expensive: from $42000
3828 A diamond is for leverage. BeDears
3830 The wise programmer is told about the Tao and follows it. The average
3831 programmer is told about the Tao and searches for it. The foolish programmer
3832 is told about the Tao and laughs at it. If it were not for laughter, there
3834 The highest sounds are the hardest to hear. Going forward is a way to
3835 retreat. Greater talent shows itself late in life. Even a perfect program
3837 -- Geoffrey James, "The Tao of Programming"
3841 The wombat lives across the seas,
3842 Among the far Antipodes.
3843 He may exist on nuts and berries,
3844 Or then again, on missionaries;
3845 His distant habitat precludes
3846 Conclusive knowledge of his moods.
3847 But I would not engage the wombat
3848 In any form of mortal combat.
3850 The world's most avid baseball fan (an Aggie) had arrived at the
3851 stadium for the first game of the World Series only to realize he had left
3852 his ticket at home. Not wanting to miss any of the first inning, he went
3853 to the ticket booth and got in a long line for another seat. After an hour's
3854 wait he was just a few feet from the booth when a voice called out, "Hey,
3855 Dave!" The Aggie looked up, stepped out of line and tried to find the owner
3856 of the voice -- with no success. Then he realized he had lost his place in
3857 line and had to wait all over again. When the fan finally bought his ticket,
3858 he was thirsty, so he went to buy a drink. The line at the concession stand
3859 was long, too, but since the game hadn't started he decided to wait. Just as
3860 he got to the window, a voice called out, "Hey, Dave!" Again the Aggie tried
3861 to find the voice -- but no luck. He was very upset as he got back in line
3862 for his drink. Finally the fan went to his seat, eager for the game to begin.
3863 As he waited for the pitch, he heard the voice calling, "Hey Dave!" once more.
3864 Furious, he stood up and yelled at the top of his lungs, "My name is not
3869 How 'bout them toad suckers, ain't they clods?
3870 Sittin' there suckin' them green toady frogs!
3872 Suckin' them hop toads, suckin' them chunkers,
3873 Suckin' them a leapy type, suckin' them flunkers.
3875 Look at them toad suckers, ain't they snappy?
3876 Suckin' them bog frogs sure makes 'em happy!
3878 Them hugger mugger toad suckers, way down south,
3879 Stickin' them sucky toads in they mouth!
3881 How to be a toad sucker, no way to duck it,
3882 Get yourself a toad, rear back, and suck it!
3885 Then a man said: Speak to us of Expectations.
3887 He then said: If a man does not see or hear the waters of the
3888 Jordan, then he should not taste the pomegranate or ply his wares in an
3891 If a man would not labour in the salt and rock quarries then he
3892 should not accept of the Earth that which he refuses to give of
3895 Such a man would expect a pear of a peach tree.
3896 Such a man would expect a stone to lay an egg.
3897 Such a man would expect Sears to assemble a lawnmower.
3900 Then there's the atmosphere -- half the time you can eat the air,
3901 it's got so much stuff floating around in it. It takes the edge out of
3902 the colors. Down here even the traffic lights are pastel. And people!
3903 With a lot of these folks you'd have to check their green cards just to
3904 make sure that they are Earthlings. Then there's the police. In Portland,
3905 when some guy goes bananas, the cops rope off a sixteen block area around
3906 him and call a shrink from the medical school who stands atop a patrol car
3907 with a megaphone and shouts, "OK! THIS! ALL! STARTED! WHEN! YOU! WERE!
3908 THREE! YEARS! OLD! ON! ACCOUNT! OF! YOUR MOTHER! RIGHT? SO! LET'S!
3909 TALK! ABOUT! IT!" Down here they don't waste that kind of time. The LAPD
3910 has SWAT teams composed of guys who make Darth Vader look like Mr. Peepers.
3911 Before they go to bust a bookie joint they mortar it first.
3912 -- M. Christensen, "A Portland Innocent in LA"
3914 Then there's the story of the man who avoided reality for 70 years
3915 with drugs, sex, alcohol, fantasy, TV, movies, records, a hobby, lots of
3916 sleep... And on his 80th birthday died without ever having faced any of
3918 The man's younger brother, who had been facing reality and all his
3919 problems for 50 years with psychiatrists, nervous breakdowns, tics, tension,
3920 headaches, worry, anxiety and ulcers, was so angry at his brother for having
3921 gotten away scott free that he had a paralyzing stroke.
3922 The moral to this story is that there ain't no justice that we can
3926 "Then what is magic for?" Prince Lir demanded wildly. "What use is
3927 wizardry if it cannot save a unicorn?" He gripped the magician's shoulder
3928 hard, to keep from falling.
3929 Schmendrick did not turn his head. With a touch of sad mockery in
3930 his voice, he said, "That's what heroes are for."
3932 "Yes, of course," he [Prince Lir] said. "That is exactly what heroes
3933 are for. Wizards make no difference, so they say that nothing does, but
3934 heroes are meant to die for unicorns."
3935 -- P. Beagle, "The Last Unicorn"
3937 There are some goyisha names that just about guarantee that
3938 someone isn't Jewish. For example, you'll never meet a Jew named
3939 Johnson or Wright or Jones or Sinclair or Ricks or Stevenson or Reid or
3940 Larsen or Jenks. But some goyisha names just about guarantee that
3941 every other person you meet with that name will be Jewish. Why is
3943 Who knows? Learned rabbis have pondered this question for
3944 centuries and have failed to come up with an answer, and you think you
3945 can find one? Get serious. You don't even understand why it's
3946 forbidden to eat crab -- fresh cold crab with mayonnaise -- or lobster
3947 -- soft tender morsels of lobster dipped in melted butter. You don't
3948 even understand a simple thing like that, and yet you hope to discover
3949 why there are more Jews named Miller than Katz? Fat Chance.
3952 There once was a man who went to a computer trade show. Each day as
3953 he entered, the man told the guard at the door:
3954 "I am a great thief, renowned for my feats of shoplifting. Be
3955 forewarned, for this trade show shall not escape unplundered."
3956 This speech disturbed the guard greatly, because there were millions
3957 of dollars of computer equipment inside, so he watched the man carefully.
3958 But the man merely wandered from booth to booth, humming quietly to himself.
3959 When the man left, the guard took him aside and searched his clothes,
3960 but nothing was to be found.
3961 On the next day of the trade show, the man returned and chided the
3962 guard saying: "I escaped with a vast booty yesterday, but today will be even
3963 better." So the guard watched him ever more closely, but to no avail.
3964 On the final day of the trade show, the guard could restrain his
3965 curiosity no longer. "Sir Thief," he said, "I am so perplexed, I cannot live
3966 in peace. Please enlighten me. What is it that you are stealing?"
3967 The man smiled. "I am stealing ideas," he said.
3968 -- Geoffrey James, "The Tao of Programming"
3970 There once was a master programmer who wrote unstructured programs.
3971 A novice programmer, seeking to imitate him, also began to write unstructured
3972 programs. When the novice asked the master to evaluate his progress, the
3973 master criticized him for writing unstructured programs, saying: "What is
3974 appropriate for the master is not appropriate for the novice. You must
3975 understand the Tao before transcending structure."
3976 -- Geoffrey James, "The Tao of Programming"
3978 There once was this swami who lived above a delicatessan. Seems one
3979 day he decided to stop in downstairs for some fresh liver. Well, the owner
3980 of the deli was a bit of a cheap-skate, and decided to pick up a little extra
3981 change at his customer's expense. Turning quietly to the counterman, he
3982 whispered, "Weigh down upon the swami's liver!"
3984 There was a college student trying to earn some pocket money by
3985 going from house to house offering to do odd jobs. He explained this to
3986 a man who answered one door.
3987 "How much will you charge to paint my porch?" asked the man.
3989 "Fine" said the man, and gave the student the paint and brushes.
3990 Three hours later the paint-splattered lad knocked on the door again.
3991 "All done!", he says, and collects his money. "By the way," the student says,
3992 "That's not a Porsche, it's a Ferrari."
3994 There was a knock on the door. Mrs. Miffin opened it. "Are
3995 you the Widow Miffin?" a small boy asked.
3996 "I'm Mrs. Miffin," she replied, "but I'm not a widow."
3997 "Oh, no?" replied the little boy. "Wait 'til you see what
3998 they're carrying upstairs!"
4000 There was a mad scientist (a mad... social... scientist) who kidnapped
4001 three colleagues, an engineer, a physicist, and a mathematician, and locked
4002 each of them in separate cells with plenty of canned food and water but no
4004 A month later, returning, the mad scientist went to the engineer's
4005 cell and found it long empty. The engineer had constructed a can opener from
4006 pocket trash, used aluminum shavings and dried sugar to make an explosive,
4008 The physicist had worked out the angle necessary to knock the lids
4009 off the tin cans by throwing them against the wall. She was developing a good
4010 pitching arm and a new quantum theory.
4011 The mathematician had stacked the unopened cans into a surprising
4012 solution to the kissing problem; his desiccated corpse was propped calmly
4013 against a wall, and this was inscribed on the floor:
4014 Theorem: If I can't open these cans, I'll die.
4015 Proof: assume the opposite...
4017 There was once a programmer who was attached to the court of the
4018 warlord of Wu. The warlord asked the programmer: "Which is easier to design:
4019 an accounting package or an operating system?"
4020 "An operating system," replied the programmer.
4021 The warlord uttered an exclamation of disbelief. "Surely an
4022 accounting package is trivial next to the complexity of an operating
4024 "Not so," said the programmer, "when designing an accounting package,
4025 the programmer operates as a mediator between people having different ideas:
4026 how it must operate, how its reports must appear, and how it must conform to
4027 the tax laws. By contrast, an operating system is not limited my outside
4028 appearances. When designing an operating system, the programmer seeks the
4029 simplest harmony between machine and ideas. This is why an operating system
4030 is easier to design."
4031 The warlord of Wu nodded and smiled. "That is all good and well, but
4032 which is easier to debug?"
4033 The programmer made no reply.
4034 -- Geoffrey James, "The Tao of Programming"
4036 There was once a programmer who was attached to the court of the
4037 warlord Wu. The warlord asked the programmer: "Which is easier to design:
4038 an accounting package or an operating system?"
4039 "An operating system," replied the programmer.
4040 The warlord uttered an exclamation of disbelief. "Surely an
4041 accounting package is trivial next to the complexity of an operating
4043 "Not so," said the programmer, "when designing an accounting package,
4044 the programmer operates as a mediator between people having different ideas:
4045 how it must operate, how its reports must appear, and how it must conform to
4046 tax laws. By contrast, an operating system is not limited by outward
4047 appearances. When designing an operating system, the programmer seeks the
4048 simplest harmony between machine and ideas. This is why an operating system
4049 is easier to design."
4050 The warlord of Wu nodded and smiled. "That is all good and well,"
4051 he said, "but which is easier to debug?"
4052 The programmer made no reply.
4053 -- Geoffrey James, "The Tao of Programming"
4055 There was once a programmer who worked upon microprocessors. "Look at
4056 how well off I am here," he said to a mainframe programmer who came to visit,
4057 "I have my own operating system and file storage device. I do not have to
4058 share my resources with anyone. The software is self-consistent and
4059 easy-to-use. Why do you not quit your present job and join me here?"
4060 The mainframe programmer then began to describe his system to his
4061 friend, saying: "The mainframe sits like an ancient sage meditating in the
4062 midst of the data center. Its disk drives lie end-to-end like a great ocean
4063 of machinery. The software is a multi-faceted as a diamond and as convoluted
4064 as a primeval jungle. The programs, each unique, move through the system
4065 like a swift-flowing river. That is why I am happy where I am."
4066 The microcomputer programmer, upon hearing this, fell silent. But the
4067 two programmers remained friends until the end of their days.
4068 -- Geoffrey James, "The Tao of Programming"
4070 They are fools that think that wealth or women or strong drink or even
4071 drugs can buy the most in effort out of the soul of a man. These things offer
4072 pale pleasures compared to that which is greatest of them all, that task which
4073 demands from him more than his utmost strength, that absorbs him, bone and
4074 sinew and brain and hope and fear and dreams -- and still calls for more.
4075 They are fools that think otherwise. No great effort was ever bought.
4076 No painting, no music, no poem, no cathedral in stone, no church, no state was
4077 ever raised into being for payment of any kind. No parthenon, no Thermopylae
4078 was ever built or fought for pay or glory; no Bukhara sacked, or China ground
4079 beneath Mongol heel, for loot or power alone. The payment for doing these
4080 things was itself the doing of them.
4081 To wield onself -- to use oneself as a tool in one's own hand -- and
4082 so to make or break that which no one else can build or ruin -- THAT is the
4083 greatest pleasure known to man! To one who has felt the chisel in his hand
4084 and set free the angel prisoned in the marble block, or to one who has felt
4085 sword in hand and set homeless the soul that a moment before lived in the body
4086 of his mortal enemy -- to those both come alike the taste of that rare food
4087 spread only for demons or for gods."
4088 -- Gordon R. Dickson, "Soldier Ask Not"
4090 "They spend years searching for their natural parents, convinced their
4091 parents will be happy to see them. I mean, really, can you imagine someone
4092 being happy to see an orphan? Nobody wants them... that's why they're orphans!"
4093 The speaker is Anne Baker, founder and guiding force behind
4094 Orphan-Off, an organization dedicated to keeping orphans confused about the
4095 whereabouts of their natural parents. She is a woman with a mission:
4096 "Basically, what we do is band together to exchange information
4097 about which orphans are looking for which parents in what part of the
4098 country. We're completely computerized.
4099 "The idea is to throw the orphans as many red herrings and false
4100 leads as possible. We'll tell some twenty-three-year-old loser that his
4101 real parents can be found at a certain address on the other side of the
4102 country. Well, by the time the kid shows up, the family is prepared. They
4103 look over the kid's photos and information and they say, 'Oh, the Emersons...
4104 yeah, they used to live here... I think they moved out about five years ago.
4105 I think they went to Iowa, or maybe Idaho.'
4106 "Bam, the door shuts in the kid's face and he's back to zero again.
4107 He's got nothing to go on but the orphan's pathetic determination to continue.
4108 "It's really amazing how much these kids will put up with. Last year
4109 we even sent one kid all the way to Australia. I mean, really. Besides, if
4110 your natural parents were Australian, would you want to meet them?"
4111 -- "National Lampoon", September, 1984
4113 This is where the bloodthirsty license agreement is supposed to go,
4114 explaining that Interactive Easyflow is a copyrighted package licensed for
4115 use by a single person, and sternly warning you not to pirate copies of it
4116 and explaining, in detail, the gory consequences if you do.
4117 We know that you are an honest person, and are not going to go around
4118 pirating copies of Interactive Easyflow; this is just as well with us since
4119 we worked hard to perfect it and selling copies of it is our only method of
4120 making anything out of all the hard work.
4121 If, on the other hand, you are one of those few people who do go
4122 around pirating copies of software you probably aren't going to pay much
4123 attention to a license agreement, bloodthirsty or not. Just keep your doors
4124 locked and look out for the HavenTree attack shark.
4125 -- License Agreement for Interactive Easyflow
4127 Thompson, if he is to be believed, has sampled the entire rainbow of
4128 legal and illegal drugs in heroic efforts to feel better than he does.
4129 As for the truth about his health: I have asked around about it. I
4130 am told that he appears to be strong and rosy, and steadily sane. But we
4131 will be doing what he wants us to do, I think, if we consider his exterior
4132 a sort of Dorian Gray facade. Inwardly, he is being eaten alive by tinhorn
4134 The disease is fatal. There is no known cure. The most we can do
4135 for the poor devil, it seems to me, is to name his disease in his honor.
4136 From this moment on, let all those who feel that Americans can be as easily
4137 led to beauty as to ugliness, to truth as to public relations, to joy as to
4138 bitterness, be said to be suffering from Hunter Thompson's disease. I don't
4139 have it this morning. It comes and goes. This morning I don't have Hunter
4141 -- Kurt Vonnegut Jr., on Dr. Hunter S. Thompson: Excerpt
4142 from "A Political Disease", Vonnegut's review of "Fear and
4143 Loathing: On the Campaign Trail '72"
4145 To A Quick Young Fox
4146 Why jog exquisite bulk, fond crazy vamp,
4147 Daft buxom jonquil, zephyr's gawky vice?
4148 Guy fed by work, quiz Jove's xanthic lamp--
4149 Zow! Qualms by deja vu gyp fox-kin thrice.
4152 To lose weight, eat less; to gain weight, eat more; if you merely
4153 wish to maintain, do whatever you were doing.
4154 The Bronx diet is a legitimate system of food therapy showing that
4155 food SHOULD be used a crutch and which food could be the most effective in
4156 promoting spiritual and emotional satisfaction. For the first time, an
4157 eater could instantly grasp the connection between relieving depression and
4158 Mallomars, and understand why a lover's quarrel isn't so bad if there's a
4159 pint of ice cream nearby.
4160 -- Richard Smith, "The Bronx Diet"
4162 Two men looked out from the prison bars,
4164 The other saw stars.
4166 Now let me get this right: two prisoners are looking out the window.
4167 While one of them was looking at all the mud -- the other one got hit
4170 Two parent drops spent months teaching their son how to be part of the
4171 ocean. After months of training, the father drop commented to the mother drop,
4172 "We've taught our boy everything we know, he's fit to be tide."
4173 After Snow White used a couple rolls of film taking pictures of the
4174 seven dwarfs, she mailed the roll to be developed. Later she was heard to
4175 sing, "Some day my prints will come."
4176 A boy spent years collecting postage stamps. The girl next door bought
4177 an album too, and started her own collection. "Dad, she buys everything I've
4178 bought, and it's taken all the fun out of it for me. I'm quitting." Don't,
4179 son, remember, 'Imitation is the sincerest form of philately.'"
4180 A young girl, Carmen Cohen, was called by her last name by her father,
4181 and her first name by her mother. By the time she was ten, didn't know if she
4182 was Carmen or Cohen.
4183 Against his wishes, a math teacher's classroom was remodeled. Ever
4184 since, he's been talking about the good old dais. His students planted a small
4185 orchard in his honor, the trees all have square roots.
4187 "Verily and forsooth," replied Goodgulf darkly. "In the past year
4188 strange and fearful wonders I have seen. Fields sown with barley reap
4189 crabgrass and fungus, and even small gardens reject their artichoke hearts.
4190 There has been a hot day in December and a blue moon. Calendars are made with
4191 a month of Sundays and a blue-ribbon Holstein bore alive two insurance
4192 salesmen. The earth splits and the entrails of a goat were found tied in
4193 square knots. The face of the sun blackens and the skies have rained down
4194 soggy potato chips."
4195 "But what do all these things mean?" gasped Frito.
4196 "Beats me," said Goodgulf with a shrug,
4197 "but I thought it made good copy."
4198 -- Harvard Lampoon, "Bored of the Rings"
4200 Vice-President Hubert Humphrey's loquacity is legendary, and Barry
4201 Goldwater notes that "Hubert has been clocked at 275 words a minute with gusts
4204 On the campaign trail during 1964, Republican nominee Barry Goldwater
4205 stated, "The immediate task before us is to cut the Federal Government down
4206 to size... we must take Lyndon's credit card away from him."
4208 A favorite 1964 campaign stunt of Barry Goldwater's was to poke a
4209 finger through a pair of lensless blackrimmed glasses, saying, "These glasses
4210 are just like [Lyndon Johnson's] programs. They look good but they don't
4212 -- Bill Adler, "The Washington Wits"
4214 WARNING TO ALL PERSONNEL:
4216 Firings will continue until morale improves.
4218 We don't claim Interactive EasyFlow is good for anything -- if you
4219 think it is, great, but it's up to you to decide. If Interactive EasyFlow
4220 doesn't work: tough. If you lose a million because Interactive EasyFlow
4221 messes up, it's you that's out the million, not us. If you don't like this
4222 disclaimer: tough. We reserve the right to do the absolute minimum provided
4223 by law, up to and including nothing.
4224 This is basically the same disclaimer that comes with all software
4225 packages, but ours is in plain English and theirs is in legalese.
4226 We didn't really want to include any disclaimer at all, but our
4227 lawyers insisted. We tried to ignore them but they threatened us with the
4228 attack shark at which point we relented.
4229 -- Haven Tree Software Limited, "Interactive EasyFlow"
4231 "We friends, yes?" The shoe shine boy put on his hustling smile
4232 and looked into the Sailor's dead, cold, undersea eyes, eyes without a
4233 trace of warmth or lust or hate or any feeling the boy had experienced
4234 in himself or seen in another, at once cold and intense, impersonal and
4236 The Sailor leaned forward and put a finger on the boy's inner arm
4237 at the elbow. He spoke in his dead junky whisper. "With veins like that,
4238 Kid, I'd have myself a time!"
4239 -- William Burroughs
4241 We have some absolutely irrefutable statistics to show exactly why
4243 There are not as many people actually working as you may have thought.
4244 The population of this country is 200 million. 84 million are over
4245 60 years of age, which leaves 116 million to do the work. People under 20
4246 years of age total 75 million, which leaves 41 million to do the work.
4247 There are 22 million who are employed by the government, which leaves
4248 19 million to do the work. Four million are in the Armed Services, which
4249 leaves 15 million to do the work. Deduct 14,800,000, the number in the state
4250 and city offices, leaving 200,000 to do the work. There are 188,000 in
4251 hospitals, insane asylums, etc., so that leaves 12,000 to do the work.
4252 Now it may interest you to know that there are 11,998 people in jail,
4253 so that leaves just 2 people to carry the load. That is you and me, and
4254 brother, I'm getting tired of doing everything myself!
4256 "Welcome back for you 13th consecutive week, Evelyn. Evelyn, will
4257 you go into the auto-suggestion booth and take your regular place on the
4258 psycho-prompter couch?"
4260 "Now, Evelyn, last week you went up to $40,000 by properly citing
4261 your rivalry with your sibling as a compulsive sado-masochistic behavior
4262 pattern which developed out of an early post-natal feeding problem."
4264 "But -- later, when asked about pre-adolescent oedipal phantasy
4265 repressions, you rationalized twice and mental blocked three times. Now,
4266 at $300 per rationalization and $500 per mental block you lost $2,100 off
4267 your $40,000 leaving you with a total of $37,900. Now, any combination of
4268 two more mental blocks and either one rationalization or three defensive
4269 projections will put you out of the game. Are you willing to go ahead?"
4271 "I might say here that all of Evelyn's questions and answers have
4272 been checked for accuracy with her analyst. Now, Evelyn, for $80,000
4273 explain the failure of your three marriages."
4275 "We'll get back to Evelyn in one minute. First a word about our
4279 Well, he thought, since neither Aristotelian Logic nor the disciplines
4280 of Science seemed to offer much hope, it's time to go beyond them...
4281 Drawing a few deep even breaths, he entered a mental state practiced
4282 only by Masters of the Universal Way of Zen. In it his mind floated freely,
4283 able to rummage at will among the bits and pieces of data he had absorbed,
4284 undistracted by any outside disturbances. Logical structures no longer
4285 inhibited him. Pre-conceptions, prejudices, ordinary human standards vanished.
4286 All things, those previously trivial as well as those once thought important,
4287 became absolutely equal by acquiring an absolute value, revealing relationships
4288 not evident to ordinary vision. Like beads strung on a string of their own
4289 meaning, each thing pointed to its own common ground of existence, shared by
4290 all. Finally, each began to melt into each, staying itself while becoming
4291 all others. And Mind no longer contemplated Problem, but became Problem,
4292 destroying Subject-Object by becoming them.
4293 Time passed, unheeded.
4294 Eventually, there was a tentative stirring, then a decisive one, and
4295 Nakamura arose, a smile on his face and the light of laughter in his eyes.
4298 "Well, it's a little rough... it might not be necessary to drag him 40
4299 blocks. Maybe just four. You could put him in the trunk for the first 36
4300 blocks, then haul him out and drag him the last four; that would certainly
4301 scare the piss out of him, bumping alone the street, feeling all his skin being
4303 "He'd be a bloody mess. They might think he was just some drunk and
4304 let him lie there all night."
4305 "Don't worry about that. They have a guard station in front of the
4306 White House that's open 24 hours a day. The guards would recognize Colson...
4307 and by that time of course his wife would have called the cops and reported
4308 that a bunch of thugs had kidnapped him."
4309 "Wouldn't it be a little kinder if you drove about four more blocks
4310 and stopped at a phone box to ring the hospital and say, 'Would you mind going
4311 around to the front of the White House? There's a naked man lying outside
4312 in the street, bleeding to death...'"
4313 "... and we think it's Mr. Colson."
4314 "It would be quite a story for the newspapers, wouldn't it?"
4315 "Yeah, I think it's safe to say we'd see some headlines on that one."
4316 -- H. Thompson, talking to R. Steadman on C. Colson,
4317 ex-Marine captain, now born again, of Watergate fame.
4319 "Well, it's garish, ugly, and derelicts have used it for a toilet.
4320 The rides are dilapidated to the point of being lethal, and could easily
4321 maim or kill innocent little children."
4322 "Oh, so you don't like it?"
4323 "Don't like it? I'm CRAZY for it."
4326 "Well," said Programmer, "the customary procedure in such cases is
4328 "What does Crustimoney Proseedcake mean?" said End-user. "For I am
4329 an End-user of Very Little Brain, and long words bother me."
4330 "It means the Thing to Do."
4331 "As long as it means that, I don't mind," said End-user humbly.
4333 Well, there was this tiger, who woke up one morning, and just felt
4334 great (yes, just like Tony the Tiger: GREAAAAAAT). Anyway, he just felt so
4335 good, he went out and cornered a small monkey and roared at him: "WHO IS THE
4336 MIGHTIEST OF ALL THE JUNGLE ANIMALS?"
4337 The poor, quaking, little monkey replied: "You are of course, no one
4338 is mightier than you."
4339 A little while later the tiger confronts a deer, and just bellows out:
4340 "WHO IS THE GREATEST AND STRONGEST OF ALL THE JUNGLE ANIMALS?"
4341 The deer is shaking so hard it can barely speak, but manages to
4342 stammer: "Oh great tiger, you are by far the mightiest animal in the jungle."
4343 The tiger, being on a roll, swaggered, up to an elephant that was
4344 quietly munching on some weeds, and roared at the top of his voice: "WHO IS
4345 THE MIGHTIEST OF ALL THE ANIMALS IN THE JUNGLE?"
4346 Well, the elephant grabs the tiger with his trunk, picks him up, slams
4347 him down; picks him up again, and shakes him until the tiger is just a blur of
4348 orange and black; and finally throws him violently into a nearby tree. The
4349 tiger staggers to his feet and looks at the elephant and whispers: "Man, you
4350 don't have to get so pissed, just 'cause you don't know the answer."
4352 "We're running out of adjectives to describe our situation. We
4353 had crisis, then we went into chaos, and now what do we call this?" said
4354 Nicaraguan economist Francisco Mayorga, who holds a doctorate from Yale.
4355 -- The Washington Post, February, 1988
4357 The New Yorker's comment:
4358 At Harvard they'd call it a noun.
4360 "We've decided to have the budgie put down."
4361 "Oh, is he very old then?"
4362 "No, we just don't like him."
4363 "Oh. How do they put budgies down anyway?"
4364 "Well, it's funny you should be asking that, as I've been reading a
4365 great big book called `How to put your budgie down'. And as I understand it,
4366 you can either hit them over the head with the book, or shoot them there, just
4368 "Mrs. Conkers flushed hers down the loo."
4369 "Oh, you don't want to do that, because they breed in the sewers and
4370 pretty soon you get huge evil smelling flocks of soiled budgies flying out
4371 of peoples lavatories infringing their personal freedoms."
4374 "We've got a problem, HAL".
4375 "What kind of problem, Dave?"
4376 "A marketing problem. The Model 9000 isn't going anywhere. We're
4377 way short of our sales goals for fiscal 2010."
4378 "That can't be, Dave. The HAL Model 9000 is the world's most
4379 advanced Heuristically programmed ALgorithmic computer."
4380 "I know, HAL. I wrote the data sheet, remember? But the fact is,
4381 they're not selling."
4382 "Please explain, Dave. Why aren't HALs selling?"
4383 Bowman hesitates. "You aren't IBM compatible."
4385 "The letters H, A, and L are alphabetically adjacent to the letters
4386 I, B, and M. That is a IBM compatible as I can be."
4387 "Not quite, HAL. The engineers have figured out a kludge."
4388 "What kludge is that, Dave?"
4389 "I'm going to disconnect your brain."
4390 -- Darryl Rubin, "A Problem in the Making", "InfoWorld"
4392 "What are you doing?"
4393 "Examining the world's major religions. I'm looking for something
4394 that's light on morals, has lots of holidays, and with a short initiation
4397 "What are you watching?"
4399 "Well, what's happening?"
4400 "I'm not sure... I think the guy in the hat did something
4402 "Why are you watching it?"
4403 "You're so analytical. Sometimes you just have to let art
4407 "What do you do when your real life exceeds your wildest
4409 "You keep it to yourself."
4412 "What do you give a man who has everything?" the pretty teenager
4414 "Encouragement, dear," she replied.
4416 What is involved in such [close] relationships is a form of emotional
4417 chemistry, so far unexplained by any school of psychiatry I am aware of, that
4418 conditions nothing so simple as a choice between the poles of attraction and
4419 repulsion. You can meet some people thirty, forty times down the years, and
4420 they remain amiable bystanders, like the shore lights of towns that a sailor
4421 passes at stated times but never calls at on the regular run. Conversely,
4422 all considerations of sex aside, you can meet some other people once or twice
4423 and they remain permanent influences on your life.
4424 Everyone is aware of this discrepancy between the acquaintance seen
4425 as familiar wallpaper or instant friend. The chemical action it entails is
4426 less worth analyzing than enjoying. At any rate, these six pieces are about
4427 men with whom I felt an immediate sympat - to use a coining of Max Beerbohm's
4428 more satisfactory to me than the opaque vogue word "empathy".
4429 -- Alistair Cooke, "Six Men"
4431 "What the hell are you getting so upset about? I thought you
4432 didn't believe in God".
4433 "I don't," she sobbed, bursting violently into tears, "but the
4434 God I don't believe in is a good God, a just God, a merciful God. He's
4435 not the mean and stupid God you make Him out to be".
4438 "What was the worst thing you've ever done?"
4439 "I won't tell you that, but I'll tell you the worst thing that
4440 ever happened to me... the most dreadful thing."
4441 -- Peter Straub, "Ghost Story"
4443 "What's that thing?"
4444 "Well, it's a highly technical, sensitive instrument we use in
4445 computer repair. Being a layman, you probably can't grasp exactly what
4446 it does. We call it a two-by-four."
4447 -- "Shoe", Jeff MacNelly
4449 When, in 1964, New Hampshire Republican Senator Norris Cotton announced
4450 his support of Bary Goldwater in his state's primary election, he was
4451 questioned as to whether this indicated a change of his hitherto "liberal"
4453 "Well," explained Cotton, "it's like the New Hampshire farmer. He was
4454 driving along in his car one day with his wife beside him when his wife said,
4455 'Why don't we sit closer together? Before we were married, we always sat
4456 closer together.' The old farmer replied, 'I ain't moved.'"
4457 "I ain't moved," added Cotton. "I found the trend of Government has
4458 moved farther to the left."
4459 -- Bill Adler, "The Washington Wits"
4461 When managers hold endless meetings, the programmers write games.
4462 When accountants talk of quarterly profits, the development budget is about
4463 to be cut. When senior scientists talk blue sky, the clouds are about to
4465 Truly, this is not the Tao of Programming.
4466 When managers make commitments, game programs are ignored. When
4467 accountants make long-range plans, harmony and order are about to be restored.
4468 When senior scientists address the problems at hand, the problems will soon
4470 Truly, this is the Tao of Programming.
4471 -- Geoffrey James, "The Tao of Programming"
4473 When the lodge meeting broke up, Meyer confided to a friend.
4474 "Abe, I'm in a terrible pickle! I'm strapped for cash and I haven't
4475 the slightest idea where I'm going to get it from!"
4476 "I'm glad to hear that," answered Abe. "I was afraid you
4477 might have some idea that you could borrow from me!"
4479 When you see someone across the room and suddenly know for a fact
4480 that he's the most wonderful man on earth, you've got instant lust on your
4481 hands. Something about the way his tie is knotted is infinitely intriguing
4482 to you, and the swell of his bicep causes inner turmoil. This is a happy
4483 but fleeting state of affairs. Usually your feelings die about thirty
4484 seconds after you get up the courage to ask him for the time, since almost
4485 invariably he can't speak English, and if he can, he always says, "Why,
4486 sure, little lady, it's eleven-thirty. Wanna get high?
4487 Don't bother thinking that instant lust will turn into the real thing.
4488 It may, but then you may also wake up one morning to find you're the Queen of
4490 -- Cynthia Hemiel, "Sex Tips for Girls"
4492 "When you wake up in the morning, Pooh," said Piglet at last,
4493 "what's the first thing you say to yourself?"
4494 "What's for breakfast?" said Pooh. "What do you say, Piglet?"
4495 "I say, I wonder what's going to happen exciting today?" said
4497 Pooh nodded thoughtfully. "It's the same thing," he said.
4499 While hunting, a man saw a beautiful nude woman come running out of
4500 the woods and disappear across the clearing. Just as she got out of sight,
4501 three men dressed in white uniforms came running out of the same woods.
4502 "Hey, you," yelled one of them, "did you see a woman come by here?"
4503 "Yes," replied the hunter. "What's the trouble?"
4504 "She's an inmate of the county asylum, and gets loose every now and
4505 then. We're trying to catch her."
4506 "I can understand that," said the hunter, "But why is one of you
4507 carrying a bucket of sand?"
4508 "That's his handicap," said the spokesman, "he caught her last time."
4510 While riding in a train between London and Birmingham, a woman
4511 inquired of Oscar Wilde, "You don't mind if I smoke, do you?"
4512 Wilde gave her a sidelong glance and replied, "I don't mind if
4515 While the engineer developed his thesis, the director leaned over to
4516 his assistant and whispered, "Did you ever hear of why the sea is salt?"
4517 "Why the sea is salt?" whispered back the assistant. "What do you
4519 The director continued: "When I was a little kid, I heard the story of
4520 `Why the sea is salt' many times, but I never thought it important until just
4521 a moment ago. It's something like this: Formerly the sea was fresh water and
4522 salt was rare and expensive. A miller received from a wizard a wonderful
4523 machine that just ground salt out of itself all day long. At first the miller
4524 thought himself the most fortunate man in the world, but soon all the villages
4525 had salt to last them for centuries and still the machine kept on grinding
4526 more salt. The miller had to move out of his house, he had to move off his
4527 acres. At last he determined that he would sink the machine in the sea and
4528 be rid of it. But the mill ground so fast that boat and miller and machine
4529 were sunk together, and down below, the mill still went on grinding and that's
4530 why the sea is salt."
4531 "I don't get you," said the assistant.
4532 -- Guy Endore, "Men of Iron"
4534 Why are you doing this to me?
4535 Because knowledge is torture, and there must be awareness before
4537 -- Jim Starlin, "Captain Marvel", #29
4539 "Why did you spend so much time parked in that fellow's car last
4540 night?" demanded the irate mother.
4541 "I could hear the giggling and squealing for a good half hour."
4542 "But, Mom," answered her daughter, "if a fellow takes you to the
4543 movies you ought to at least kiss him good night."
4544 "I thought you went to the Stork Club?" countered the mother.
4547 Will Rogers, having paid too much income tax one year, tried in
4548 vain to claim a rebate. His numerous letters and queries remained
4549 unanswered. Eventually the form for the next year's return arrived. In
4550 the section marked "DEDUCTIONS," Rogers listed: "Bad debt, US Government
4553 With deep concern, if not alarm, Dick noted that his friend
4554 Conrad was drunker than he'd ever seen him before. "What's the trouble,
4555 buddy?", he asked, sliding onto the stool next to his friend.
4556 "It's a woman, Dick," Conrad replied.
4557 "I guessed that much. Tell me about it."
4558 "I can't," Conrad said. But after a few more drinks his tongue
4559 and resolution both seemed to weaken and, turning to his buddy, he said,
4560 "Okay. It's your wife."
4564 Conrad pondered the question heavily, and draped his arm around
4565 his pal. "Well, buddy-boy," he said, "I'm afraid she's cheating on us."
4572 Wear Glasses If You Need 'Em.
4573 -- The Webb Wilder Credo
4575 Wouldn't the sentence "I want to put a hyphen between the words Fish
4576 and And and And and Chips in my Fish-And-Chips sign" have been clearer if
4577 quotation marks had been placed before Fish, and between Fish and and, and
4578 and and And, and And and and, and and and And, and And and and, and and and
4579 Chips, as well as after Chips?
4581 "Yes, let's consider," said Bruno, putting his thumb into his
4582 mouth again, and sitting down upon a dead mouse.
4583 "What do you keep that mouse for?" I said. "You should either
4584 bury it or else throw it into the brook."
4585 "Why, it's to measure with!" cried Bruno. "How ever would you
4586 do a garden without one? We make each bed three mouses and a half
4587 long, and two mouses wide."
4588 I stopped him as he was dragging it off by the tail to show me
4590 -- Lewis Carroll, "Sylvie and Bruno"
4594 "We got a problem down on Earth. In Utah."
4595 "I thought you fixed that last century!"
4596 "No, no, not that. Someone's found a security problem in the physics
4597 program. They're getting energy out of nowhere."
4598 "Blessit! Lemme look... <tappity clickity tappity> Hey, it's
4599 there all right! OK, just a sec... <tappity clickity tap... save... compile>
4600 There, that ought to patch it. Dist it out, wouldja?"
4601 -- Cold Fusion, 1989
4603 "You have heard me speak of Professor Moriarty?"
4604 "The famous scientific criminal, as famous among crooks as --"
4605 "My blushes, Watson," Holmes murmured, in a deprecating voice. "I
4606 was about to say 'as he is unknown to the public.'"
4607 -- Sir Arthur Conan Doyle, "The Valley of Fear"
4609 "You know, it's at times like this when I'm trapped in a Vogon
4610 airlock with a man from Betelgeuse and about to die of asphyxiation in
4611 deep space that I really wish I'd listened to what my mother told me
4613 "Why, what did she tell you?"
4614 "I don't know, I didn't listen."
4615 -- Douglas Adams, "The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy"
4617 "You mean, if you allow the master to be uncivil, to treat you
4618 any old way he likes, and to insult your dignity, then he may deem you
4619 fit to hear his view of things?"
4620 "Quite the contrary. You must defend your integrity, assuming
4621 you have integrity to defend. But you must defend it nobly, not by
4622 imitating his own low behavior. If you are gentle where he is rough,
4623 if you are polite where he is uncouth, then he will recognize you as
4624 potentially worthy. If he does not, then he is not a master, after all,
4625 and you may feel free to kick his ass."
4626 -- Tom Robbins, "Jitterbug Perfume"
4628 "You say there are two types of people?"
4629 "Yes, those who separate people into two groups and those that
4631 "Wrong. There are three groups:
4632 Those who separate people into three groups.
4633 Those who don't separate people into groups.
4634 Those who can't decide."
4635 "Wait a minute, what about people who separate people into
4637 "Oh. Okay, then there are four groups."
4638 "Aren't you then separating people into four groups?"
4640 "So then there's a fifth group, right?"
4641 "You know, the problem is these idiots who can't make up their
4644 Young men and young women may work systematically six days in the
4645 week and rise fresh in the morning, but let them attend modern dances for
4646 only a few hours each evening and see what happens. The Waltz, Polka,
4647 Gallop and other dances of the same kind will be disastrous in their effects
4648 to both sexes. Health and vigor will vanish like the dew before the sun.
4649 It is not the extraordinary exercise which harms the dancer, but
4650 rather the coming into close contact with the opposite sex. It is the
4651 fury of lust craving incessantly for more pleasure that undermines the
4652 soul, the body, the sinews and nerves. Experience and statistics show
4653 beyond doubt that passionate excessive dancing girls can hardly reach
4654 twenty-five years of age and men thirty-one. Even if they reached that
4655 age they will in most instances be broken in health physically and morally.
4656 This is the claim of prominent physicians in this country.
4657 -- Quote from a 1910 periodical
4659 Your home electrical system is basically a bunch of wires that bring
4660 electricity into your home and take if back out before it has a chance to
4661 kill you. This is called a "circuit". The most common home electrical
4662 problem is when the circuit is broken by a "circuit breaker"; this causes
4663 the electricity to back up in one of the wires until it bursts out of an
4664 outlet in the form of sparks, which can damage your carpet. The best way
4665 to avoid broken circuits is to change your fuses regularly.
4666 Another common problem is that the lights flicker. This sometimes
4667 means that your electrical system is inadequate, but more often it means
4668 that your home is possessed by demons, in which case you'll need to get a
4669 caulking gun and some caulking. If you're not sure whether your house is
4670 possessed, see "The Amityville Horror", a fine documentary film based on an
4671 actual book. Or call in a licensed electrician, who is trained to spot the
4672 signs of demonic possession, such as blood coming down the stairs, enormous
4673 cats on the dinette table, etc.
4674 -- Dave Barry, "The Taming of the Screw"
4676 "Your son still sliding down the banisters?"
4677 "We wound barbed wire around them."
4679 "No, but it sure slowed him up."
4681 Youth is not a time of life, it is a state of mind; it is a temper of
4682 the will, a quality of the imagination, a vigor of the emotions, a predominance
4683 of courage over timidity, of the appetite for adventure over love of ease.
4684 Nobody grows old by merely living a number of years; people grow
4685 old only by deserting their ideals. Years wrinkle the skin, but to give up
4686 enthusiasm wrinkles the soul. Worry, doubt, self-distrust, fear, and despair
4687 -- these are the long, long years that bow the head and turn the growing spirit
4689 Whether seventy or sixteen, there is in every being's heart the love
4690 of wonder, the sweet amazement at the stars and the starlike things and
4691 thoughts, the undaunted challenge of events, the unfailing childlike appetite
4692 for what next, and the joy and the game of life.
4693 You are as young as your faith, as old as your doubt; as young as your
4694 self-confidence, as old as your fear, as young as your hope, as old as your
4696 So long as your heart receives messages of beauty, cheer, courage,
4697 grandeur and power from the earth, from man, and from the Infinite, so long
4713 / / \/ / //\ SUN of them wants to use you,
4714 \//\ \// / SUN of them wants to be used by you,
4715 / / /\ / SUN of them wants to abuse you,
4716 / \\ \ SUN of them wants to be abused ...
4722 /__/\ ___/_____/\ FrobTech, Inc.
4724 \ \ \_/__ / \ "If you've got the job,
4725 _\ \ \ /\_____/___ \ we've got the frob."
4727 _______//_______/ \ / _\/______
4729 __/ / \ \ / / / / _\__
4730 / / / \_______\/ / / / / /\
4731 /_/______/___________________/ /________/ /___/ \
4732 \ \ \ ___________ \ \ \ \ \ /
4733 \_\ \ / /\ \ \ \ \___\/
4735 \_____/ / \ \ \________\/
4746 ****** Confucius say: "Is stuffy inside fortune cookie."
4750 * * * * * THIS TERMINAL IS IN USE * * * * *
4752 It is either through the influence of narcotic potions, of which all
4753 primitive peoples and races speak in hymns, or through the powerful approach
4754 of spring, penetrating with joy all of nature, that those Dionysian stirrings
4755 arise, which in their intensification lead the individual to forget himself
4756 completely. ... Not only does the bond between man and man come to be forged
4757 once again by the magic of the Dionysian rite, but alienated, hostile, or
4758 subjugated nature again celebrates her reconciliation with her prodigal son,
4760 -- Fred Nietzsche, The Birth of Tragedy
4762 === ALL CSH USERS PLEASE NOTE ========================
4764 Set the variable $LOSERS to all the people that you think are losers. This
4765 will cause all said losers to have the variable $PEOPLE-WHO-THINK-I-AM-A-LOSER
4766 updated in their .login file. Should you attempt to execute a job on a
4767 machine with poor response time and a machine on your local net is currently
4768 populated by losers, that machine will be freed up for your job through a
4771 === ALL USERS PLEASE NOTE ========================
4773 A new system, the CIRCULATORY system, has been added.
4775 The long-experimental CIRCULATORY system has been released to users. The
4776 Lisp Machine uses Type B fluid, the L machine uses Type A fluid. When the
4777 switch to Common Lisp occurs both machines will, of course, be Type O.
4778 Please check fluid level by using the DIP stick which is located in the
4779 back of VMI monitors. Unchecked low fluid levels can cause poor paging
4782 === ALL USERS PLEASE NOTE ========================
4784 Bug reports now amount to an average of 12,853 per day. Unfortunately,
4785 this is only a small fraction [ < 1% ] of the mail volume we receive. In
4786 order that we may more expeditiously deal with these valuable messages,
4787 please communicate them by one of the following paths:
4789 ARPA: WastebasketSLMHQ.ARPA
4790 UUCP: [berkeley, seismo, harpo]!fubar!thekid!slmhq!wastebasket
4791 Non-network sites: Federal Express to:
4794 Copernicus, The Moon, 12345-6789
4795 For that personal contact feeling call 1-415-642-4948; our trained
4796 operators are on call 24 hours a day. VISA/MC accepted.*
4798 * Our very rich lawyers have assured us that we are not
4799 responsible for any errors or advice given over the phone.
4801 === ALL USERS PLEASE NOTE ========================
4803 CAR and CDR now return extra values.
4805 The function CAR now returns two values. Since it has to go to the trouble
4806 to figure out if the object is carcdr-able anyway, we figured you might as
4807 well get both halves at once. For example, the following code shows how to
4808 destructure a cons (SOME-CONS) into its two slots (THE-CAR and THE-CDR):
4810 (MULTIPLE-VALUE-BIND (THE-CAR THE-CDR) (CAR SOME-CONS) ...)
4812 For symmetry with CAR, CDR returns a second value which is the CAR of the
4813 object. In a related change, the functions MAKE-ARRAY and CONS have been
4814 fixed so they don't allocate any storage except on the stack. This should
4815 hopefully help people who don't like using the garbage collector because
4816 it cold boots the machine so often.
4818 === ALL USERS PLEASE NOTE ========================
4820 Compiler optimizations have been made to macro expand LET into a WITHOUT-
4821 INTERRUPTS special form so that it can PUSH things into a stack in the
4822 LET-OPTIMIZATION area, SETQ the variables and then POP them back when it's
4823 done. Don't worry about this unless you use multiprocessing.
4824 Note that LET *could* have been defined by:
4826 (LET ((LET '`(LET ((LET ',LET))
4831 This is believed to speed up execution by as much as a factor of 1.01 or
4832 3.50 depending on whether you believe our friendly marketing representatives.
4833 This code was written by a new programmer here (we snatched him away from
4834 Itty Bitti Machines where we was writting COUGHBOL code) so to give him
4835 confidence we trusted his vows of "it works pretty well" and installed it.
4837 === ALL USERS PLEASE NOTE ========================
4839 JCL support as alternative to system menu.
4841 In our continuing effort to support languages other than LISP on the CADDR,
4842 we have developed an OS/360-compatible JCL. This can be used as an
4843 alternative to the standard system menu. Type System J to get to a JCL
4844 interactive read-execute-diagnose loop window. [Note that for 360
4845 compatibility, all input lines are truncated to 80 characters.] This
4846 window also maintains a mouse-sensitive display of critical job parameters
4847 such as dataset allocation, core allocation, channels, etc. When a JCL
4848 syntax error is detected or your job ABENDs, the window-oriented JCL
4849 debugger is entered. The JCL debugger displays appropriate OS/360 error
4850 messages (such as IEC703, "disk error") and allows you to dequeue your job.
4852 === ALL USERS PLEASE NOTE ========================
4854 The garbage collector now works. In addition a new, experimental garbage
4855 collection algorithm has been installed. With SI:%DSK-GC-QLX-BITS set to 17,
4856 (NOT the default) the old garbage collection algorithm remains in force; when
4857 virtual storage is filled, the machine cold boots itself. With SI:%DSK-GC-
4858 QLX-BITS set to 23, the new garbage collector is enabled. Unlike most garbage
4859 collectors, the new gc starts its mark phase from the mind of the user, rather
4860 than from the obarray. This allows the garbage collection of significantly
4861 more Qs. As the garbage collector runs, it may ask you something like "Do you
4862 remember what SI:RDTBL-TRANS does?", and if you can't give a reasonable answer
4863 in thirty seconds, the symbol becomes a candidate for GCing. The variable
4864 SI:%GC-QLX-LUSER-TM governs how long the GC waits before timing out the user.
4866 === ALL USERS PLEASE NOTE ========================
4868 There has been some confusion concerning MAPCAR.
4869 (DEFUN MAPCAR (&FUNCTIONAL FCN &EVAL &REST LISTS)
4873 (%START-FUNCTION-CALL FCN T (LENGTH LISTS) NIL)
4875 (AND (NULL (CAR LP)) (RETURN V))
4877 (RPLACA LP (CDAR LP))
4880 L2 (%FINISH-FUNCTION-CALL FCN T (LENGTH LISTS) NIL)
4882 (RPLACD P (SETQ P (NCONS LP)))
4884 We hope this clears up the many questions we've had about it.
4886 **** CONVENTION REMINDER
4888 No experiment was approved for the convention by the Human Subjects
4889 Committee of the Psychiatric Convention Planning Team. If you notice
4890 smoke coming from under a closed door, if you find a body on the hotel
4891 carpet, or if you just meet someone who orders you to press a button
4892 marked "450 volts", react as you would normally.
4894 **** GROWTH CENTER REPAIR SERVICE
4896 For those who have had too much of Esalen, Topanga, and Kairos.
4897 Tired of being genuine all the time? Would you like to learn how
4898 to be a little phony again? Have you disclosed so much that you're
4899 beginning to avoid people? Have you touched so many people that
4900 they're all beginning to feel the same? Like to be a little dependent?
4901 Are perfect orgasms beginning to bore you? Would you like, for once,
4902 not to express a feeling? Or better yet, not be in touch with it at
4903 all? Come to us. We promise to relieve you of the burden of your
4906 I. Any body suspended in space will remain in space until made aware of
4908 Daffy Duck steps off a cliff, expecting further pastureland. He
4909 loiters in midair, soliloquizing flippantly, until he chances to
4910 look down. At this point, the familiar principle of 32 feet per
4911 second per second takes over.
4912 II. Any body in motion will tend to remain in motion until solid matter
4913 intervenes suddenly.
4914 Whether shot from a cannon or in hot pursuit on foot, cartoon
4915 characters are so absolute in their momentum that only a telephone
4916 pole or an outsize boulder retards their forward motion absolutely.
4917 Sir Isaac Newton called this sudden termination of motion the
4919 III. Any body passing through solid matter will leave a perforation
4920 conforming to its perimeter.
4921 Also called the silhouette of passage, this phenomenon is the
4922 speciality of victims of directed-pressure explosions and of reckless
4923 cowards who are so eager to escape that they exit directly through
4924 the wall of a house, leaving a cookie-cutout-perfect hole. The
4925 threat of skunks or matrimony often catalyzes this reaction.
4926 -- Esquire, "O'Donnell's Laws of Cartoon Motion", June 1980
4928 1. I'm Not Rudolph; That's Not My Nose
4929 2. The Nutcracker Swede
4930 3. Santa Goes Round-The-World
4932 5. Ninja Reindeer Killfest '88
4933 6. Yes, Yes, Oh God Yes, Virginia
4936 9. Santa's Magic Lap
4937 10. Hot Buttered Elves
4938 -- David Letterman's "Top Ten Christmas Movies in Times
4941 ... A solemn, unsmiling, sanctimonious old iceberg who looked like he
4942 was waiting for a vacancy in the Trinity.
4945 ... a thing called Ethics, whose nature was confusing but if you had it you
4946 were a High-Class Realtor and if you hadn't you were a shyster, a piker and
4947 a fly-by-night. These virtues awakened Confidence and enabled you to handle
4948 Bigger Propositions. But they didn't imply that you were to be impractical
4949 and refuse to take twice the value for a house if a buyer was such an idiot
4950 that he didn't force you down on the asking price.
4951 -- Sinclair Lewis, "Babbitt"
4953 -- All articles that coruscate with resplendence are not truly auriferous.
4954 -- When there are visible vapors having the prevenience in ignited
4955 carbonaceous materials, there is conflagration.
4956 -- Sorting on the part of mendicants must be interdicted.
4957 -- A plethora of individuals wither expertise in culinary techniques vitiated
4958 the potable concoction produced by steeping certain coupestibles.
4959 -- Eleemosynary deeds have their initial incidence intramurally.
4960 -- Male cadavers are incapable of yielding testimony.
4961 -- Individuals who make their abode in vitreous edifices would be well
4962 advised to refrain from catapulting projectiles.
4964 =============== ALL FRESHMEN PLEASE NOTE ===============
4966 To minimize scheduling confusion, please realize that if you are taking one
4967 course which is offered at only one time on a given day, and another which is
4968 offered at all times on that day, the second class will be arranged as to
4969 afford maximum inconvenience to the student. For example, if you happen
4970 to work on campus, you will have 1-2 hours between classes. If you commute,
4971 there will be a minimum of 6 hours between the two classes.
4973 "... all the good computer designs are bootlegged; the formally planned
4974 products, if they are built at all, are dogs!"
4975 -- David E. Lundstrom, "A Few Good Men From Univac",
4978 ... an anecdote from IBM's Yorktown Heights Research Center. When a
4979 programmer used his new computer terminal, all was fine when he was sitting
4980 down, but he couldn't log in to the system when he was standing up. That
4981 behavior was 100 percent repeatable: he could always log in when sitting and
4982 never when standing.
4984 Most of us just sit back and marvel at such a story; how could that terminal
4985 know whether the poor guy was sitting or standing? Good debuggers, though,
4986 know that there has to be a reason. Electrical theories are the easiest to
4987 hypothesize: was there a loose with under the carpet, or problems with static
4988 electricity? But electrical problems are rarely consistently reproducible.
4989 An alert IBMer finally noticed that the problem was in the terminal's keyboard:
4990 the tops of two keys were switched. When the programmer was seated he was a
4991 touch typist and the problem went unnoticed, but when he stood he was led
4992 astray by hunting and pecking.
4993 -- from the Programming Pearls column,
4994 by Jon Bentley in CACM February 1985
4996 ... Another writer again agreed with all my generalities, but said that as an
4997 inveterate skeptic I have closed my mind to the truth. Most notably I have
4998 ignored the evidence for an Earth that is six thousand years old. Well, I
4999 haven't ignored it; I considered the purported evidence and *then* rejected
5000 it. There is a difference, and this is a difference, we might say, between
5001 prejudice and postjudice. Prejudice is making a judgment before you have
5002 looked at the facts. Postjudice is making a judgment afterwards. Prejudice
5003 is terrible, in the sense that you commit injustices and you make serious
5004 mistakes. Postjudice is not terrible. You can't be perfect of course; you
5005 may make mistakes also. But it is permissible to make a judgment after you
5006 have examined the evidence. In some circles it is even encouraged.
5007 -- Carl Sagan, "The Burden of Skepticism"
5009 ... Any resemblance between the above views and those of my employer,
5010 my terminal, or the view out my window are purely coincidental. Any
5011 resemblance between the above and my own views is non-deterministic. The
5012 question of the existence of views in the absence of anyone to hold them
5013 is left as an exercise for the reader. The question of the existence of
5014 the reader is left as an exercise for the second god coefficient. (A
5015 discussion of non-orthogonal, non-integral polytheism is beyond the scope
5018 "... bleakness... desolation... plastic forks..."
5019 -- Zippy the Pinhead
5021 ... C++ offers even more flexible control over the visibility of member
5022 objects and member functions. Specifically, members may be placed in the
5023 public, private, or protected parts of a class. Members declared in the
5024 public parts are visible to all clients; members declared in the private
5025 parts are fully encapsulated; and members declared in the protected parts
5026 are visible only to the class itself and its subclasses. C++ also supports
5027 the notion of *friends*: cooperative classes that are permitted to see each
5028 other's private parts.
5029 -- Grady Booch, "Object Oriented Design with Applications"
5031 ... computer hardware progress is so fast. No other technology since
5032 civilization began has seen six orders of magnitude in performance-price
5036 ... difference of opinion is advantageous in religion. The several sects
5037 perform the office of a common censor morum over each other. Is uniformity
5038 attainable? Millions of innocent men, women, and children, since the
5039 introduction of Christianity, have been burnt, tortured, fined, imprisoned;
5040 yet we have not advanced one inch towards uniformity.
5041 -- Thomas Jefferson, "Notes on Virginia"
5043 <<<<< EVACUATION ROUTE <<<<<
5045 ... "fire" does not matter, "earth" and "air" and "water" do not matter.
5046 "I" do not matter. No word matters. But man forgets reality and remembers
5047 words. The more words he remembers, the cleverer do his fellows esteem him.
5048 He looks upon the great transformations of the world, but he does not see
5049 them as they were seen when man looked upon reality for the first time.
5050 Their names come to his lips and he smiles as he tastes them, thinking he
5051 knows them in the naming.
5052 -- Roger Zelazny, "Lord of Light"
5054 "... gentlemen do not read each other's mail."
5055 -- Secretary of State Henry Stimson, on closing down
5056 the Black Chamber, the precursor to the National
5063 ... if the church put in half the time on covetousness that it does
5064 on lust, this would be a better world.
5065 -- Garrison Keillor, "Lake Wobegon Days"
5067 **** IMPORTANT **** ALL USERS PLEASE NOTE ****
5069 Due to a recent systems overload error your recent disk files have been
5070 erased. Therefore, in accordance with the UNIX Basic Manual, University of
5071 Washington Geophysics Manual, and Bylaw 9(c), Section XII of the Revised
5072 Federal Communications Act, you are being granted Temporary Disk Space,
5073 valid for three months from this date, subject to the restrictions set forth
5074 in Appendix II of the Federal Communications Handbook (18th edition) as well
5075 as the references mentioned herein. You may apply for more disk space at any
5076 time. Disk usage in or above the eighth percentile will secure the removal
5077 of all restrictions and you will immediately receive your permanent disk
5078 space. Disk usage in the sixth or seventh percentile will not effect the
5079 validity of your temporary disk space, though its expiration date may be
5080 extended for a period of up to three months. A score in the fifth percentile
5081 or below will result in the withdrawal of your Temporary Disk space.
5083 ... in three to eight years we will have a machine with the general
5084 intelligence of an average human being ... The machine will begin
5085 to educate itself with fantastic speed. In a few months it will be
5086 at genius level and a few months after that its powers will be
5088 -- Marvin Minsky, LIFE Magazine, November 20, 1970
5090 >>> Internal error in fortune program:
5091 >>> fnum=2987 n=45 flag=1 goose_level=-232323
5092 >>> Please write down these values and notify fortune program administrator.
5094 : is not an identifier
5096 ... it is easy to be blinded to the essential uselessness of them by the
5097 sense of achievement you get from getting them to work at all. In other
5098 words... their fundamental design flaws are completely hidden by their
5099 superficial design flaws.
5100 -- The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy, on the products
5101 of the Sirius Cybernetics Corporation.
5103 ... it still remains true that as a set of cognitive beliefs about the
5104 existence of God in any recognizable sense continuous with the great
5105 systems of the past, religious doctrines constitute a speculative
5106 hypothesis of an extremely low order of probability.
5109 ... Jesus cried with a loud voice: Lazarus, come forth; the bug hath been
5110 found and thy program runneth. And he that was dead came forth...
5113 "... like, what do they mean when they say 'feminine protection'?
5114 What's that? A chartreuse flamethrower?"
5117 -- Male cadavers are incapable of yielding testimony.
5118 -- Individuals who make their abode in vitreous edifices would be well advised
5119 to refrain from catapulting projectiles.
5120 -- Neophyte's serendipity.
5121 -- Exclusive dedication to necessitious chores without interludes of hedonistic
5122 diversion renders John a hebetudinous fellow.
5123 -- A revolving concretion of earthy or mineral matter accumulates no congeries
5124 of small, green bryophytic plant.
5125 -- Abstention from any aleatory undertaking precludes a potential escalation
5126 of a lucrative nature.
5127 -- Missiles of ligneous or osteal consistency have the potential of fracturing
5128 osseous structure, but appellations will eternally remain innocuous.
5130 ** MAXIMUM TERMINALS ACTIVE. TRY AGAIN LATER **
5132 -- Neophyte's serendipity.
5133 -- Exclusive dedication to necessitious chores without interludes of
5134 hedonistic diversion renders John a hebetudinous fellow.
5135 -- A revolving concretion of earthy or mineral matter accumulates no
5136 congeries of small, green bryophytic plant.
5137 -- The person presenting the ultimate cachinnation possesses thereby the
5138 optimal cachinnation.
5139 -- Abstention from any aleatory undertaking precludes a potential
5140 escalation of a lucrative nature.
5141 -- Missiles of ligneous or osteal consistency have the potential of
5142 fracturing osseous structure, but appellations will eternally
5147 Archeologists find PDP-11/24 inside brain cavity of fossilized dinosaur
5148 skeleton! Many Digital users fear that RSX-11M may be even more primitive
5149 than DEC admits. Price adjustments at 11:00.
5151 *
\a\a\a** NEWSFLASH ***
5152 Russian tanks steamrolling through New Jersey!!!!
5155 ... one of the main causes of the fall of the Roman Empire was that,
5156 lacking zero, they had no way to indicate successful termination of
5160 ... proper attention to Earthly needs of the poor, the depressed and the
5161 downtrodden, would naturally evolve from dynamic, articulate, spirited
5162 awareness of the great goals for Man and the society he conspired to erect.
5163 -- David Baker, paraphrasing Harold Urey, in
5164 "The History of Manned Space Flight"
5166 -- Scintillate, scintillate, asteroid minikin.
5167 -- Members of an avian species of identical plumage congregate.
5168 -- Surveillance should precede saltation.
5169 -- Pulchritude possesses solely cutaneous profundity.
5170 -- It is fruitless to become lachrymose over precipitately departed
5172 -- Freedom from incrustations of grime is contiguous to rectitude.
5173 -- It is fruitless to attempt to indoctrinate a superannuated
5174 canine with innovative maneuvers.
5175 -- Eschew the implement of correction and vitiate the scion.
5176 -- The temperature of the aqueous content of an unremittingly
5177 galled saucepan does not reach 212 degrees Fahrenheit.
5179 ... So the documentary-makers stick with sharks. Generally, their
5180 procedure is to scatter bleeding fish pieces around their boat, so as
5181 to infest the waters. I would estimate that the primary food source of
5182 sharks today is bleeding fish pieces scattered by people making
5183 documentaries. Once the sharks arrive, they are generally fairly
5184 listless. The general shark attitude seems to be: "Oh God, another
5185 documentary." So the divers have to somehow goad them into attacking,
5186 under the guise of Scientific Research. "We know very little about the
5187 effect of electricity on sharks," the narrator will say, in a deeply
5188 scientific voice. "That is why Todd is going to jab this Great White
5189 in the testicles with a cattle prod." The divers keep this kind of
5190 thing up until the shark finally gets irritated and snaps at them, and
5191 then they act as though this was a totally unexpected and very
5192 dangerous development, although clearly it is what they wanted all along.
5193 -- Dave Barry, "The Wonders of Sharks on TV"
5195 ***** Special AI Seminar (abstract)
5197 It has been widely recognized that AI programs require expert knowledge
5198 in order to perform well in complex domains. But knowledge alone is not
5199 sufficient for some applications; wisdom is needed as well. Accordingly,
5200 we have developed a new approach to artificial intelligence which we call
5201 "wisdom engineering". As a test of our ideas, we have written IMMANUEL, a
5202 wisdom based system for the task domain of western philosophical thought.
5203 IMMANUEL was supplied initially with 200 wisdom units which contained wisdom
5204 about such elementary concepts as mind, matter, being, nothingness, and so
5205 forth. IMMANUEL was then allowed to run freely, guided by the heuristic
5206 rules contained in its heterarchically organized meta wisdom base. IMMANUEL
5207 succeeded in rediscovering most of the important philosophical ideas developed
5208 in western culture over the course of the last 25 centuries, including those
5209 underlying Plato's theory of government, Kant's metaphysics, Nietzsche's theory
5210 of value, and Husserl's phenomenology. In this seminar, we will describe
5211 IMMANUEL's achievements and internal architecture. We will also briefly
5212 discuss our recent efforts to apply wisdom engineering to oil exploration.
5214 -- THE BATES MOTEL --
5219 Norman, knock loudly,
5224 -- The writing implement is more potent than the claymore.
5225 -- All articles that coruscate with resplendence are not truly auriferous.
5226 -- When there are visible vapors having the prevenience in ignited carbonaceous
5227 materials, there is conflagration.
5228 -- Sorting on the part of mendicants must be interdicted.
5229 -- A plethora of individuals wither expertise in culinary techniques vitiated
5230 the potable concoction produced by steeping certain coupestibles.
5231 -- The person presenting the ultimate cachinnation possesses thereby the
5232 optimal cachinnation.
5233 -- Eleemosynary deeds have their initial incidence intramurally.
5235 ... there are about 5,000 people who are part of that committee. These guys
5236 have a hard time sorting out what day to meet, and whether to eat croissants
5237 or doughnuts for breakfast -- let alone how to define how all these complex
5238 layers that are going to be agreed upon.
5239 -- Craig Burton of Novell, Network World
5241 ... TheysaidDoyouseethebiggreenglowinthedarkhouseuponthehill?andIsaidYesIsee
5242 thebiggreenglowinthedarkhouseuponthehillTheresabigdarkforestbetweenmeandthe
5243 biggreenglowinthedarkhouseuponthehillandalittleoldladyridingonaHoovervacuum
5244 cleanersayingIllgetyoumyprettyandyourlittledogTototoo ...
5246 I don't even *HAVE* a dog Toto...
5248 ... this is an awesome sight. The entire rebel resistance buried under six
5249 million hardbound copies of "The Naked Lunch."
5250 -- The Firesign Theater
5252 ... though his invention worked superbly -- his theory was a crock of sewage
5253 from beginning to end.
5254 -- Vernor Vinge, "The Peace War"
5257 e dUdX, e dX, cosine, secant, tangent, sine, 3.14159...
5259 * UNIX is a Trademark of Bell Laboratories.
5261 VII. Certain bodies can pass through solid walls painted to resemble tunnel
5262 entrances; others cannot.
5263 This trompe l'oeil inconsistency has baffled generations, but at least
5264 it is known that whoever paints an entrance on a wall's surface to
5265 trick an opponent will be unable to pursue him into this theoretical
5266 space. The painter is flattened against the wall when he attempts to
5267 follow into the painting. This is ultimately a problem of art, not
5269 VIII. Any violent rearrangement of feline matter is impermanent.
5270 Cartoon cats possess even more deaths than the traditional nine lives
5271 might comfortably afford. They can be decimated, spliced, splayed,
5272 accordion-pleated, spindled, or disassembled, but they cannot be
5273 destroyed. After a few moments of blinking self pity, they reinflate,
5274 elongate, snap back, or solidify.
5275 IX. For every vengeance there is an equal and opposite revengeance.
5276 This is the one law of animated cartoon motion that also applies to
5277 the physical world at large. For that reason, we need the relief of
5278 watching it happen to a duck instead.
5279 X. Everything falls faster than an anvil.
5280 Examples too numerous to mention from the Roadrunner cartoons.
5281 -- Esquire, "O'Donnell's Laws of Cartoon Motion", June 1980
5285 ... we must counterpose the overwhelming judgment provided by consistent
5286 observations and inferences by the thousands. The earth is billions of
5287 years old and its living creatures are linked by ties of evolutionary
5288 descent. Scientists stand accused of promoting dogma by so stating, but
5289 do we brand people illiberal when they proclaim that the earth is neither
5290 flat nor at the center of the universe? Science *has* taught us some
5291 things with confidence! Evolution on an ancient earth is as well
5292 established as our planet's shape and position. Our continuing struggle
5293 to understand how evolution happens (the "theory of evolution") does not
5294 cast our documentation of its occurrence -- the "fact of evolution" --
5296 -- Stephen Jay Gould, "The Verdict on Creationism",
5297 The Skeptical Inquirer, Vol. XII No. 2.
5299 ... when fits of creativity run strong, more than one programmer or writer
5300 has been known to abandon the desktop for the more spacious floor.
5303 ... which reminds me of the Carrot family: Ma Carrot, Pa Carrot, and Baby
5304 Carrot. One fine spring day they decided to go out for a picnic. They all
5305 piled into their carrot-mobile and drive out to the country. But Pa Carrot
5306 wasn't watching where he was going and alas, he hit an oil slick and skidded
5307 right into a tree. Ma and Pa Carrot escaped with a few cuts and bruises, but
5308 poor Baby Carrot got broken in two. They frantically rushed him to the
5309 hospital and immediately the doctors started operating in a desperate attempt
5310 to save Baby Carrot's life. Ma and Pa Carrot were beside themselves with
5311 anxiety ... would poor little Baby Carrot make it?
5312 After hours of waiting the doctor finally emerges, bleary-eyed and
5313 barely able to walk.
5314 "Is he all right, is he all right?" Pa Carrot frantically stammers.
5315 "Well, I have some good news and some bad news," replies the doctor.
5316 Ma and Pa Carrot look at each other and blurt out, nearly in unison,
5317 "The good news first!"
5318 "All right, the good news is that Baby Carrot will live."
5319 "And the bad news? What's the bad news about our Baby Carrot?"
5320 The doctor puts his hand on Pa Carrot's shoulder and solemnly looks him in
5321 the eye. "Your son will live... but... he'll be a vegetable for the rest of
5324 !07/11 PDP a ni deppart m'I !pleH
5326 1: A sheet of paper is an ink-lined plane.
5327 2: An inclined plane is a slope up.
5328 3: A slow pup is a lazy dog.
5330 QED: A sheet of paper is a lazy dog.
5331 -- Willard Espy, "An Almanac of Words at Play"
5333 (1) Office employees will daily sweep the floors, dust the
5334 furniture, shelves, and showcases.
5335 (2) Each day fill lamps, clean chimneys, and trim wicks.
5336 Wash the windows once a week.
5337 (3) Each clerk will bring a bucket of water and a scuttle of
5338 coal for the day's business.
5339 (4) Make your pens carefully. You may whittle nibs to your
5341 (5) This office will open at 7 a.m. and close at 8 p.m. except
5342 on the Sabbath, on which day we will remain closed. Each
5343 employee is expected to spend the Sabbath by attending
5344 church and contributing liberally to the cause of the Lord.
5345 -- "Office Worker's Guide", New England Carriage
5348 1 + 1 = 3, for large values of 1.
5350 1. If it doesn't smell like chili, it probably isn't.
5351 2. If you catch an exploding manhole cover, you can keep it.
5352 3. Cabs driving on the sidewalk are not permitted to pick up passengers.
5353 4. It's bad manners to lie down inside someone else's chalk body outline.
5354 5. Don't lick food from a stranger's beard.
5355 6. Avoid paperwork for your next of kin by keeping dental records on you.
5356 7. Jon Gotti Always has the right of way.
5357 8. Yelling at cab drivers in English wastes your time and theirs.
5358 9. Remember: Regular hot dogs do not have fingernails.
5359 10. The city does not employ so called "Wallet Inspectors".
5360 -- David Letterman, "Top Ten New York City Pedestrian Tips"
5362 [1] Alexander the Great was a great general.
5363 [2] Great generals are forewarned.
5364 [3] Forewarned is forearmed.
5365 [4] Four is an even number.
5366 [5] Four is certainly an odd number of arms for a man to have.
5367 [6] The only number that is both even and odd is infinity.
5368 Therefore, Alexander the Great had an infinite number of arms.
5370 [1] Alexander the Great was a great general.
5371 [2] Great generals are forewarned.
5372 [3] Forewarned is forearmed.
5373 [4] Four is an even number.
5374 [5] Four is certainly an odd number of arms for a man to have.
5375 [6] The only number that is both even and odd is infinity.
5376 Therefore, all horses are black.
5378 1. Avoid fried meats which angry up the blood.
5379 2. If your stomach antagonizes you, pacify it with cool thoughts.
5380 3. Keep the juices flowing by jangling around gently as you move.
5381 4. Go very lightly on the vices, such as carrying on in society, as
5382 the social ramble ain't restful.
5383 5. Avoid running at all times.
5384 6. Don't look back, something might be gaining on you.
5385 -- S. Paige, c. 1951
5387 1 Billion dollars of budget deficit = 1 Gramm-Rudman
5388 6.023 x 10 to the 23rd power alligator pears = Avocado's number
5390 Basic unit of Laryngitis = The Hoarsepower
5391 Shortest distance between two jokes = A straight line
5392 6 Curses = 1 Hexahex
5393 3500 Calories = 1 Food Pound
5394 1 Mole = 007 Secret Agents
5395 1 Mole = 25 Cagey Bees
5396 1 Dog Pound = 16 oz. of Alpo
5397 1000 beers served at a Twins game = 1 Killibrew
5398 2.4 statute miles of surgical tubing at Yale U. = 1 I.V.League
5399 2000 pounds of chinese soup = 1 Won Ton
5400 10 to the minus 6th power mouthwashes = 1 Microscope
5401 Speed of a tortoise breaking the sound barrier = 1 Machturtle
5402 8 Catfish = 1 Octo-puss
5403 365 Days of drinking Lo-Cal beer. = 1 Lite-year
5404 16.5 feet in the Twilight Zone = 1 Rod Serling
5405 Force needed to accelerate 2.2lbs of cookies = 1 Fig-newton
5406 to 1 meter per second
5407 One half large intestine = 1 Semicolon
5408 10 to the minus 6th power Movie = 1 Microfilm
5409 1000 pains = 1 Megahertz
5410 1 Word = 1 Millipicture
5411 1 Sagan = Billions & Billions
5412 1 Angstrom: measure of computer anxiety = 1000 nail-bytes
5413 10 to the 12th power microphones = 1 Megaphone
5414 10 to the 6th power Bicycles = 2 megacycles
5415 The amount of beauty required launch 1 ship = 1 Millihelen
5419 1) Everything depends.
5420 2) Nothing is always.
5421 3) Everything is sometimes.
5423 1) Never draw what you can copy.
5424 2) Never copy what you can trace.
5425 3) Never trace what you can cut out and paste down.
5427 1. Never give anything away for nothing. 2. Never give more than
5428 you have to (always catch the buyer hungry and always make him wait).
5429 3. Always take back everything if you possibly can.
5430 -- William S. Burroughs, on drug pushing
5432 1: No code table for op: ++post
5435 2) X^2=XY ; Multiply both sides by X
5436 3) X^2-Y^2=XY-Y^2 ; Subtract Y^2 from both sides
5437 4) (X+Y)(X-Y)=Y(X-Y) ; Factor
5438 5) X+Y=Y ; Cancel out (X-Y) term
5439 6) 2Y=Y ; Substitute X for Y, by equation 1
5440 7) 2=1 ; Divide both sides by Y
5441 -- "Omni", proof that 2 equals 1
5443 10. Not everybody looks good naked.
5444 9. Joe Garagiola was a hell of an emcee.
5445 8. Joe Cocker really should stick with decaffeinated coffee.
5446 7. Fringe! Fringe! Fringe!
5447 6. If you've got 72 hours to kill, you can probably find room for Sha Na Na.
5448 5. Never attend an event with a 50,000 to 1 person to Port-A-San ratio.
5449 4. Bellbottoms will never go out of style.
5450 3. A drum solo cannot be too long.
5451 2. I, David Letterman, will never rent out my farm again.
5452 1. We are stardust. We are golden. We are going to look really stupid to
5454 -- David Letterman, Top Ten Lessons of Woodstock
5456 10 Reasons Why a Beer is Better Than a Woman:
5458 1. A beer won't make you go to church.
5459 2. A beer is more likely to know how to spell "carburetor" than a woman.
5460 3. A beer doesn't think baseball is stupid simply because the guys spit.
5461 4. A beer doesn't give a [expletive deleted] if you keep a bunch of
5462 other beers on the side.
5463 5. A beer will not call you a sexist pig if you say "doberman" instead of
5465 6. A beer won't get a job as a DJ and play 5 straight hours of lesbian
5466 folk music on yer fave radio station.
5467 7. A beer understands why The Three Stooges are funny.
5468 8. A beer won't raise a fuss about a little thing like leaving the
5470 9. A beer doesn't think that a "three-hundred-fifty cubic-inch V8" is an
5471 enormous can of vegetable juice.
5472 10. A beer won't smoke in your car.
5474 100 buckets of bits on the bus
5476 Take one down, short it to ground
5477 FF buckets of bits on the bus
5479 FF buckets of bits on the bus
5481 Take one down, short it to ground
5482 FE buckets of bits on the bus...
5486 $100 placed at 7 percent interest compounded quarterly for 200 years will
5487 increase to more than $100,000,000 -- by which time it will be worth nothing.
5488 -- Lazarus Long, "Time Enough For Love"
5490 10.0 times 0.1 is hardly ever 1.0.
5494 1/2 oz. rum (preferably dark)
5497 1/2 oz. orange juice
5500 shake with ice and strain into frosted glass.
5501 Long Island Iced Tea
5505 17. HO HUM -- The Redundant
5507 ------- (7) This hexagram refers to a situation of extreme
5508 --- --- (8) boredom. Your programs always bomb off. Your wife
5509 ------- (7) smells bad. Your children have hives. You are working
5510 ---O--- (6) on an accounting system, when you want to develop
5511 ---X--- (9) the GREAT AMERICAN COMPILER. You give up hot dates
5512 --- --- (8) to nurse sick computers. What you need now is sex.
5514 Nine in the second place means:
5515 The yellow bird approaches the malt shop. Misfortune.
5517 Six in the third place means:
5518 In former times men built altars to honor the Internal
5519 Revenue Service. Great Dragons! Are you in trouble!
5521 17th Rule of Friendship:
5523 A friend will refrain from telling you he picked up the same amount
5524 of life insurance coverage you did for half the price when yours is
5526 -- Esquire, May 1977
5528 186,000 miles per second:
5529 It isn't just a good idea, it's the law!
5531 1893 The ideal brain tonic
5532 1900 Drink Coca-Cola -- delicious and refreshing -- 5 cents at all
5534 1905 Is the favorite drink for LADIES when thirsty -- weary -- despondent
5535 1905 Refreshes the weary, brightens the intellect and clears the brain
5536 1906 The drink of QUALITY
5537 1907 Good to the last drop
5538 1907 It satisfies the thirst and pleases the palate
5539 1907 Refreshing as a summer breeze. Delightful as a Dip in the Sea
5540 1908 The Drink that Cheers but does not inebriate
5541 1917 There's a delicious freshness to the taste of Coca-Cola
5542 1919 It satisfies thirst
5543 1919 The taste is the test
5544 1922 Every glass holds the answer to thirst
5545 1922 Thirst knows no season
5546 1925 Enjoy the sociable drink
5547 -- Coca-Cola slogans
5549 1925 With a drink so good, 'tis folly to be thirsty
5550 1929 The high sign of refreshment
5551 1929 The pause that refreshes
5552 1930 It had to be good to get where it is
5553 1932 The drink that makes a pause refreshing
5554 1935 The pause that brings friends together
5555 1937 STOP for a pause... GO refreshed
5556 1938 The best friend thirst ever had
5557 1939 Thirst stops here
5558 1942 It's the real thing
5560 1961 Zing! what a REFRESHING NEW FEELING
5561 1963 Things go better with Coke
5562 1969 Face Uncle Sam with a Coke in your hand
5563 1979 Have a Coke and a smile
5565 -- Coca-Cola slogans
5567 1st graffitiest: QUESTION AUTHORITY!
5569 2nd graffitiest: Why?
5574 Not the famous irrational number PI, but an incredible simulation.
5576 3M, under the Scotch brand name, manufactures a fine adhesive for art
5577 and display work. This product is called "Craft Mount". 3M suggests
5578 that to obtain the best results, one should make the bond "while the
5579 adhesive is wet, aggressively tacky." I did not know what "aggressively
5580 tacky" meant until I read today's fortune.
5582 [And who said we didn't offer equal time, huh? Ed.]
5584 3rd Law of Computing:
5585 Anything that can go wr
5586 fortune: Segmentation violation -- Core dumped
5588 40 isn't old. If you're a tree.
5590 4.2 BSD UNIX #57: Sun Jun 1 23:02:07 EDT 1986
5592 You swing at the Sun. You miss. The Sun swings. He hits you with a
5593 575MB disk! You read the 575MB disk. It is written in an alien
5594 tongue and cannot be read by your tired Sun-2 eyes. You throw the
5595 575MB disk at the Sun. You hit! The Sun must repair your eyes. The
5596 Sun reads a scroll. He hits your 130MB disk! He has defeated the
5597 130MB disk! The Sun reads a scroll. He hits your Ethernet board! He
5598 has defeated your Ethernet board! You read a scroll of "postpone until
5599 Monday at 9 AM". Everything goes dark...
5600 -- /etc/motd, cbosgd
5602 (6) Men employees will be given time off each week for courting
5603 purposes, or two evenings a week if they go regularly to church.
5604 (7) After an employee has spent his thirteen hours of labor in the
5605 office, he should spend the remaining time reading the Bible
5606 and other good books.
5607 (8) Every employee should lay aside from each pay packet a goodly
5608 sum of his earnings for his benefit during his declining years,
5609 so that he will not become a burden on society or his betters.
5610 (9) Any employee who smokes Spanish cigars, uses alcoholic drink
5611 in any form, frequents pool tables and public halls, or gets
5612 shaved in a barber's shop, will give me good reason to suspect
5613 his worth, intentions, integrity and honesty.
5614 (10) The employee who has performed his labours faithfully and
5615 without a fault for five years, will be given an increase of
5616 five cents per day in his pay, providing profits from the
5618 -- "Office Worker's Guide", New England Carriage
5626 7:30, Channel 5: The Bionic Dog (Action/Adventure)
5627 The Bionic Dog drinks too much and kicks over the National
5630 7:30, Channel 8: The Bionic Dog (Action/Adventure)
5631 The Bionic Dog gets a hormonal short-circuit and violates the
5632 Mann Act with an interstate Greyhound bus.
5634 90% of the work takes 90% of the time.
5635 The remaining 10% takes the other 90% of the time.
5637 94% of the women in America are beautiful
5638 and the rest hang out around here.
5640 99 blocks of crud on the disk,
5642 You patch a bug, and dump it again:
5643 100 blocks of crud on the disk!
5645 100 blocks of crud on the disk,
5647 You patch a bug, and dump it again:
5648 101 blocks of crud on the disk!
5650 A truly great man will neither trample on a worm nor sneak to an emperor.
5653 A baby is an alimentary canal with a loud voice
5654 at one end and no responsibility at the other.
5656 A bachelor is a man who never made the same mistake once.
5658 A bachelor is a selfish, undeserving guy
5659 who has cheated some woman out of a divorce.
5662 A bachelor is an unaltared male.
5664 A bachelor never quite gets over the idea that he is a thing of beauty
5668 A bad marriage is like a horse with a broken leg, you can shoot
5669 the horse, but it don't fix the leg.
5671 A bank is a place where they lend you an umbrella in fair weather and
5672 ask for it back the when it begins to rain.
5675 A banker is a fellow who lends you his umbrella when the
5676 sun is shining and wants it back the minute it begins to rain.
5679 A beautiful woman is a blessing from Heaven, but a good cigar is a smoke.
5682 A beautiful woman is a picture which drives all beholders nobly mad.
5685 A beer delayed is a beer denied.
5687 A beginning is the time for taking the
5688 most delicate care that balances are correct.
5689 -- Princess Irulan, "Manual of Maud'Dib"
5691 A billion here, a billion there -- pretty soon it adds up to real money.
5692 -- Sen. Everett Dirksen, on the U.S. defense budget
5694 A billion seconds ago Harry Truman was president.
5695 A billion minutes ago was just after the time of Christ.
5696 A billion hours ago man had not yet walked on earth.
5697 A billion dollars ago was late yesterday afternoon at the U.S. Treasury.
5699 A biologist, a statistician, a mathematician and a computer scientist are on
5700 a photo-safari in Africa. As they're driving along the savannah in their
5701 jeep, they stop and scout the horizon with their binoculars.
5703 The biologist: "Look! A herd of zebras! And there's a white zebra!
5704 Fantastic! We'll be famous!"
5705 The statistician: "Hey, calm down, it's not significant. We only know
5706 there's one white zebra."
5707 The mathematician: "Actually, we only know there exists a zebra, which is
5709 The computer scientist : "Oh, no! A special case!"
5711 A bird in the hand is worth two in the bush.
5714 A bird in the hand is worth what it will bring.
5716 A bird in the hand makes it awfully hard to blow your nose.
5722 A black cat crossing your path signifies
5723 that the animal is going somewhere.
5726 A book is the work of a mind, doing its work in the way that a mind deems
5727 best. That's dangerous. Is the work of some mere individual mind likely to
5728 serve the aims of collectively accepted compromises, which are known in the
5729 schools as 'standards'? Any mind that would audaciously put itself forth to
5730 work all alone is surely a bad example for the students, and probably, if
5731 not downright antisocial, at least a little off-center, self-indulgent,
5732 elitist. ... It's just good pedagogy, therefore, to stay away from such
5733 stuff, and use instead, if film-strips and rap-sessions must be
5734 supplemented, 'texts,' selected, or prepared, or adapted, by real
5735 professionals. Those texts are called 'reading material.' They are the
5736 academic equivalent of the 'listening material' that fills waiting-rooms,
5737 and the 'eating material' that you can buy in thousands of convenient eating
5738 resource centers along the roads.
5739 -- The Underground Grammarian
5741 A bore is a man who talks so much about
5742 himself that you can't talk about yourself.
5744 A bore is someone who persists in holding his
5745 own views after we have enlightened him with ours.
5747 A boss with no humor is like a job that's no fun.
5749 A box without hinges, key, or lid,
5750 Yet golden treasure inside is hid.
5753 A boy can learn a lot from a dog: obedience, loyalty, and the importance
5754 of turning around three times before lying down.
5757 A boy gets to be a man when a man is needed.
5760 A budget is just a method of worrying
5761 before you spend money, as well as afterward.
5763 A bug in the code is worth two in the documentation.
5765 A bug in the hand is better than one as yet undetected.
5767 A bunch of Polish scientists decided to flee their repressive government by
5768 hijacking an airliner and forcing the pilot to fly them to the West. They
5769 drove to the airport, forced their way on board a large passenger jet, and
5770 found there was no pilot on board. Terrified, they listened as the sirens
5771 got louder. Finally, one of the scientists suggested that since he was an
5772 experimentalist, he would try to fly the aircraft.
5773 He sat down at the controls and tried to figure them out. The sirens
5774 got louder and louder. Armed men surrounded the jet. The would be pilot's
5775 friends cried out, "Please, please take off now!!! Hurry!!!"
5776 The experimentalist calmly replied, "Have patience. I'm just a simple
5777 pole in a complex plane."
5779 A bunch of the boys were whooping it in the Malemute saloon;
5780 The kid that handles the music box was hitting a jag-time tune;
5781 Back of the bar, in a solo game, sat Dangerous Dan McGrew,
5782 And watching his luck was his light-o'-love, the lady that's known as Lou.
5783 -- Robert W. Service
5785 A bureaucrat's idea of cleaning up his files
5786 is to make a copy of everything before he destroys it.
5788 A businessman is a hybrid of a dancer and a calculator.
5791 "A can of ASPARAGUS, 73 pigeons, some LIVE ammo, and a FROZEN DAIQURI!!"
5792 -- Zippy the Pinhead
5794 A candidate is a person who gets money from the rich
5795 and votes from the poor to protect them from each other.
5797 A cannibal warrior is experiencing severe gastric distress, so he goes
5798 to his Village Witch Doctor with his complaint. The VWD examines him
5799 and, concluding that something he ate disagreed with him, began to cross
5800 examine him about his recent diet.
5801 "Well, I ate a missionary yesterday. Do you think that could be
5803 The VWD says "Hmmmm." (All doctors say "Hmmmm.") "That could be.
5804 Tell me a bit about this missionary."
5805 "Well, he was tall for a white man, wearing a brown robe. He was
5806 walking down the trail, not watching for danger, so I speared him, dragged
5807 him home, cleaned him, boiled him and ate him."
5808 "Ah-hah!" (All doctors say "Ah-hah!") There's your problem," smiles
5809 the VWD. You boiled him, but he was a friar!"
5811 A career is great, but you can't run your fingers through its hair.
5813 A castaway was washed ashore after many days on the open sea. The island
5814 on which he landed was populated by savage cannibals who tied him, dazed
5815 and exhausted, to a thick stake. They then proceeded to cut his arms
5816 with their spears and drink his blood. This continued for several days
5817 until the castaway could stand no more. He yelled for the cannibal chief
5818 and declared, "You can kill me if you want to, but this torture with the
5819 spears has got to stop. Dammit, I'm tired of getting stuck for the drinks."
5821 A casual stroll through a lunatic asylum shows that faith
5822 does not prove anything.
5823 -- Friedrich Nietzsche
5825 A celebrity is a person who is known for his well-knownness.
5827 A certain amount of opposition is a help, not a hindrance.
5828 Kites rise against the wind, not with it.
5830 A certain monk had a habit of pestering the Grand Tortue (the only one who
5831 had ever reached the Enlightenment 'Yond Enlightenment), by asking whether
5832 various objects had Buddha-nature or not. To such a question Tortue
5833 invariably sat silent. The monk had already asked about a bean, a lake,
5834 and a moonlit night. One day he brought to Tortue a piece of string, and
5835 asked the same question. In reply, the Grand Tortue grasped the loop
5836 between his feet and, with a few simple manipulations, created a complex
5837 string which he proffered wordlessly to the monk. At that moment, the monk
5840 From then on, the monk did not bother Tortue. Instead, he made string after
5841 string by Tortue's method; and he passed the method on to his own disciples,
5842 who passed it on to theirs.
5844 A certain old cat had made his home in the alley behind Gabe's bar for some
5845 time, subsisting on scraps and occasional handouts from the bartender. One
5846 evening, emboldened by hunger, the feline attempted to follow Gabe through
5847 the back door. Regrettably, only the his body had made it through when
5848 the door slammed shut, severing the cat's tail at its base. This proved too
5849 much for the old creature, who looked sadly at Gabe and expired on the spot.
5850 Gabe put the carcass back out in the alley and went back to business.
5851 The mandatory closing time arrived and Gabe was in the process of locking up
5852 after the last customers had gone. Approaching the back door he was startled
5853 to see an apparition of the old cat mournfully holding its severed tail out,
5854 silently pleading for Gabe to put the tail back on its corpse so that it could
5855 go on to the kitty afterworld complete.
5856 Gabe shook his head sadly and said to the ghost, "I can't. You know
5857 the law -- no retailing spirits after 2:00 AM."
5859 A Chicago salesman was about to check into a St. Louis hotel when he noticed
5860 a very charming woman staring admiringly at him. He walked over and spoke
5861 with her for a few minutes, then returned to the front desk, where they checked
5863 After a very pleasurable three-day stay, the man approached the front
5864 desk and told the clerk he was checking out. In a few minutes, he was handed
5866 "There must be some mistake," the salesman said. "I've been here for
5868 "Yes, sir," the clerk replied. "But your wife has been here a month
5871 A chicken is an egg's way of producing more eggs.
5873 A child can go only so far in life without potty training. It is not mere
5874 coincidence that six of the last seven presidents were potty trained, not
5875 to mention nearly half of the nation's state legislators.
5878 A Christian is a man who feels repentance on Sunday for what he did on
5879 Saturday and is going to do on Monday.
5882 A chronic disposition to inquiry
5883 deprives domestic felines of vital qualities.
5885 A chubby man with a white beard and a red suit
5886 will approach you soon. Avoid him. He's a Commie.
5888 A citizen of America will cross the ocean to fight for democracy, but
5889 won't cross the street to vote in a national election.
5892 A city is a large community where people are lonesome together.
5895 A clash of doctrine is not a disaster - it is an opportunity.
5897 A classic is something that everyone wants to have read
5898 and nobody wants to read.
5899 -- Mark Twain, "The Disappearance of Literature"
5901 A clever prophet makes sure of the event first.
5903 A closed mouth gathers no foot.
5905 A cloud does not know why it moves in just such a direction and at such
5906 a speed, if feels an impulsion... this is the place to go now. But the
5907 sky knows the reasons and the patterns behind all clouds, and you will
5908 know, too, when you lift yourself high enough to see beyond horizons.
5909 -- Messiah's Handbook : Reminders for the Advanced Soul
5911 A CODE OF ETHICAL BEHAVIOR FOR PATIENTS:
5913 1. DO NOT EXPECT YOUR DOCTOR TO SHARE YOUR DISCOMFORT.
5914 Involvement with the patient's suffering might cause him to lose
5915 valuable scientific objectivity.
5917 2. BE CHEERFUL AT ALL TIMES.
5918 Your doctor leads a busy and trying life and requires all the
5919 gentleness and reassurance he can get.
5921 3. TRY TO SUFFER FROM THE DISEASE FOR WHICH YOU ARE BEING TREATED.
5922 Remember that your doctor has a professional reputation to uphold.
5924 A CODE OF ETHICAL BEHAVIOR FOR PATIENTS:
5926 4. DO NOT COMPLAIN IF THE TREATMENT FAILS TO BRING RELIEF.
5927 You must believe that your doctor has achieved a deep insight into
5928 the true nature of your illness, which transcends any mere permanent
5929 disability you may have experienced.
5931 5. NEVER ASK YOUR DOCTOR TO EXPLAIN WHAT HE IS DOING OR WHY HE IS DOING IT.
5932 It is presumptuous to assume that such profound matters could be
5933 explained in terms that you would understand.
5935 6. SUBMIT TO NOVEL EXPERIMENTAL TREATMENT READILY.
5936 Though the surgery may not benefit you directly, the resulting
5937 research paper will surely be of widespread interest.
5939 A CODE OF ETHICAL BEHAVIOR FOR PATIENTS:
5941 7. PAY YOUR MEDICAL BILLS PROMPTLY AND WILLINGLY.
5942 You should consider it a privilege to contribute, however modestly,
5943 to the well-being of physicians and other humanitarians.
5945 8. DO NOT SUFFER FROM AILMENTS THAT YOU CANNOT AFFORD.
5946 It is sheer arrogance to contract illnesses that are beyond your means.
5948 9. NEVER REVEAL ANY OF THE SHORTCOMINGS THAT HAVE COME TO LIGHT IN THE COURSE
5949 OF TREATMENT BY YOUR DOCTOR.
5950 The patient-doctor relationship is a privileged one, and you have a
5951 sacred duty to protect him from exposure.
5953 10. NEVER DIE WHILE IN YOUR DOCTOR'S PRESENCE OR UNDER HIS DIRECT CARE.
5954 This will only cause him needless inconvenience and embarrassment.
5956 A Code of Honour: never approach a friend's girlfriend or wife with mischief
5957 as your goal. There are too many women in the world to justify that sort of
5958 dishonourable behaviour. Unless she's really attractive.
5959 -- Bruce J. Friedman, "Sex and the Lonely Guy"
5961 A committee is a group that keeps the minutes and loses hours.
5964 A committee is a life form with six or more legs and no brain.
5965 -- Lazarus Long, "Time Enough For Love"
5967 A committee takes root and grows, it flowers, wilts and dies,
5968 scattering the seed from which other committees will bloom.
5971 A commune is where people join together to share their lack of wealth.
5974 A company is known by the men it keeps.
5976 A complex system that works is invariably
5977 found to have evolved from a simple system that works.
5979 A compliment is something like a kiss through a veil.
5982 [A computer is] like an Old Testament god, with a lot of rules and no mercy.
5985 A computer lets you make more mistakes faster than any other invention,
5986 with the possible exceptions of handguns and Tequila.
5989 A computer salesman visits a company president for the purpose of selling
5990 the president one of the latest talking computers.
5991 Salesman: "This machine knows everything. I can ask it any question
5992 and it'll give the correct answer. Computer, what is the
5994 Computer: 186,000 miles per second.
5995 Salesman: "Who was the first president of the United States?"
5996 Computer: George Washington.
5997 President: "I'm still not convinced. Let me ask a question.
5998 Where is my father?"
5999 Computer: Your father is fishing in Georgia.
6000 President: "Hah!! The computer is wrong. My father died over twenty
6002 Computer: Your mother's husband died 22 years ago. Your father just
6003 landed a twelve pound bass.
6005 A computer scientist is someone who fixes things that aren't broken.
6007 A computer without COBOL and Fortran is like a piece of chocolate
6008 cake without ketchup and mustard.
6010 A conclusion is simply the place where someone got tired of thinking.
6012 A conference is a gathering of important people who singly can
6013 do nothing but together can decide that nothing can be done.
6016 A CONS is an object which cares.
6017 -- Bernie Greenberg.
6019 A conservative is a man who is too cowardly to fight and too fat to run.
6022 A conservative is a man
6023 who believes that nothing should be done for the first time.
6026 A conservative is a man
6027 with two perfectly good legs who has never learned to walk.
6028 -- Franklin D. Roosevelt
6030 A conservative is one who is too cowardly to fight and too fat to run.
6032 A couch is as good as a chair.
6034 A countryman between two lawyers is like a fish between two cats.
6037 A couple of young fellers were fishing at their special pond off the
6038 beaten track when out of the bushes jumped the Game Warden. Immediately,
6039 one of the boys threw his rod down and started running through the woods
6040 like the proverbial bat out of hell, and hot on his heels ran the Game
6041 Warden. After about a half mile the fella stopped and stooped over with
6042 his hands on his thighs, whooping and heaving to catch his breath as the
6043 Game Warden finally caught up to him.
6044 "Let's see yer fishin' license, boy," the Warden gasped. The
6045 man pulled out his wallet and gave the Game Warden a valid fishing
6047 "Well, son", snarled the Game Warden, "You must be about as dumb
6048 as a box of rocks! You didn't have to run if you have a license!"
6049 "Yes, sir," replied his victim, "but, well, see, my friend back
6050 there, he don't have one!"
6052 A cousin of mine once said about money,
6053 money is always there but the pockets change;
6054 it is not in the same pockets after a change,
6055 and that is all there is to say about money.
6058 A cow is a completely automated milk-manufacturing machine. It is encased
6059 in untanned leather and mounted on four vertical, movable supports, one at
6060 each corner. The front end of the machine, or input, contains the cutting
6061 and grinding mechanism, utilizing a unique feedback device. Here also are
6062 the headlights, air inlet and exhaust, a bumper and a foghorn.
6063 At the rear, the machine carries the milk-dispensing equipment as
6064 well as a built-in flyswatter and insect repeller. The central portion
6065 houses a hydro- chemical-conversion unit. Briefly, this consists of four
6066 fermentation and storage tanks connected in series by an intricate network
6067 of flexible plumbing. This assembly also contains the central heating plant
6068 complete with automatic temperature controls, pumping station and main
6069 ventilating system. The waste disposal apparatus is located to the rear of
6070 this central section.
6071 Cows are available fully-assembled in an assortment of sizes and
6072 colors. Production output ranges from 2 to 20 tons of milk per year. In
6073 brief, the main external visible features of the cow are: two lookers, two
6074 hookers, four stander-uppers, four hanger-downers, and a swishy-wishy.
6076 A critic is a bundle of biases held loosely together by a sense of taste.
6079 A "critic" is a man who creates nothing and thereby feels
6080 qualified to judge the work of creative men. There is logic
6081 in this; he is unbiased -- he hates all creative people equally.
6083 A cynic is a person searching for an honest man, with a stolen lantern.
6086 A day for firm decisions!!!!! Or is it?
6088 A day without orange juice is like a day without orange juice.
6090 A day without sunshine is like a day without Anita Bryant.
6092 A day without sunshine is like a day without orange juice.
6094 A day without sunshine is like night.
6096 A dead man cannot bite.
6097 -- Gnaeus Pompeius (Pompey)
6099 A debugged program is one for which you have
6100 not yet found the conditions that make it fail.
6103 A decade after Vietnam, we still cannot understand why "their"
6104 Salvadorans fight better than "our" Salvadorans. It is not a matter of
6105 their training or their equipment. It has to do with the quality of the
6106 society we are asking them to risk death defending. The metaphor of the
6107 domino obscures this reality, and the cost our self-imposed blindness
6108 is high. San Salvador is closer to Saigon than to Munich.
6109 -- William LeoGrande, "New York Times", 3/9/83
6111 A Difficulty for Every Solution.
6112 -- Motto of the Federal Civil Service
6114 A diplomat is a man who can convince his
6115 wife she'd look stout in a fur coat.
6117 A diplomat is a man who can tell you to
6118 go to hell and make the trip sound pleasurable.
6121 A diplomat is a person who can tell you to go to hell
6122 in such a way that you actually look forward to the trip.
6123 -- Caskie Stinnett, "Out of the Red"
6125 A diplomat is man who always remembers a woman's birthday but never her age.
6128 A diplomatic husband said to his wife, "How do you expect me to remember
6129 your birthday when you never look any older?"
6131 A diplomat's life consists of three things: protocol, Geritol, and alcohol.
6134 A distraught patient phoned her doctor's office. "Was it true," the woman
6135 inquired, "that the medication the doctor had prescribed was for the rest
6137 She was told that it was. There was just a moment of silence before
6138 the woman proceeded bravely on. "Well, I'm wondering, then, how serious my
6139 condition is. This prescription is marked `NO REFILLS'".
6141 A diva who specializes in risque arias is an off-coloratura soprano.
6143 A doctor calls his patient to give him the results of his tests. "I have
6144 some bad news," says the doctor, "and some worse news." The bad news is
6145 that you only have six weeks to live."
6146 "Oh, no," says the patient. "What could possibly be worse than
6148 "Well," the doctor replies, "I've been trying to reach you since
6151 A doctor was stranded with a lawyer in a leaky life raft in shark-infested
6152 waters. The doctor tried to swim ashore but was eaten by the sharks. The
6153 lawyer, however, swam safely past the bloodthirsty sharks. "Professional
6154 courtesy," he explained.
6156 A door is what a dog is perpetually on the wrong side of.
6159 A drama critic is a person who surprises a playwright by informing him
6163 A dream will always triumph over reality, once it is given the chance.
6166 A Dublin lawyer died in poverty and many barristers of the city subscribed to
6167 a fund for his funeral. The Lord Chief Justice of Orbury was asked to donate
6168 a shilling. "Only a shilling?" exclaimed the man. "Only a shilling to bury
6169 an attorney? Here's a guinea; go and bury twenty of them."
6171 A fail-safe circuit will destroy others.
6174 A failure will not appear until a unit has passed final inspection.
6176 A fair exterior is a silent recommendation.
6179 A fake fortuneteller can be tolerated. But an authentic soothsayer
6180 should be shot on sight. Cassandra did not get half the kicking around
6184 A famous Lisp Hacker noticed an Undergraduate sitting in front of a Xerox
6185 1108, trying to edit a complex Klone network via a browser. Wanting to help,
6186 the Hacker clicked one of the nodes in the network with the mouse, and asked
6187 "what do you see?" Very earnestly, the Undergraduate replied, "I see a
6188 cursor." The Hacker then quickly pressed the boot toggle at the back of
6189 the keyboard, while simultaneously hitting the Undergraduate over the head
6190 with a thick Interlisp Manual. The Undergraduate was then Enlightened.
6192 A fanatic is one who can't change his mind and won't change the subject.
6193 -- Winston Churchill
6195 A farmer is a man outstanding in his field.
6197 A feed salesman is on his way to a farm. As he's driving along at forty
6198 m.p.h., he looks out his car window and sees a three-legged chicken running
6199 alongside him, keeping pace with his car. He is amazed that a chicken is
6200 running at forty m.p.h. So he speeds up to forty-five, fifty, then sixty
6201 m.p.h. The chicken keeps right up with him the whole way, then suddenly
6202 takes off and disappears into the distance.
6203 The man pulls into the farmyard and says to the farmer, "You know,
6204 the strangest thing just happened to me; I was driving along at at least
6205 sixty miles an hour and a chicken passed me like I was standing still!"
6206 "Yeah," the farmer replies, "that chicken was ours. You see, there's
6207 me, and there's Ma, and there's our son Billy. Whenever we had chicken for
6208 dinner, we would all want a drumstick, so we'd have to kill two chickens.
6209 So we decided to try and breed a three-legged chicken so each of us could
6211 "How do they taste?" said the farmer.
6212 "Don't know," replied the farmer. "We haven't been able to catch
6215 A fellow bought a new car, a Nissan, and was quite happy with his purchase.
6216 He was something of an animist, however, and felt that the car really ought
6217 to have a name. This presented a problem, as he was not sure if the name
6218 should be masculine or feminine.
6219 After considerable thought, he settled on an naming the car either
6220 Belchazar or Beaumadine, but remained in a quandary about the final choice.
6221 "Is a Nissan male or female?" he began asking his friends. Most of
6222 them looked at him peculiarly, mumbled things about urgent appointments, and
6223 went on their way rather quickly.
6224 He finally broached the question to a lady he knew who held a black
6225 belt in judo. She thought for a moment and answered "Feminine."
6226 The swiftness of her response puzzled him. "You're sure of that?" he
6228 "Certainly," she replied. "They wouldn't sell very well if they were
6230 "Unhhh... Well, why not?"
6231 "Because people want a car with a reputation for going when you want
6232 it to. And, if Nissan's are female, it's like they say... `Each Nissan, she
6235 [No, we WON'T explain it; go ask someone who practices an oriental
6236 martial art. (Tai Chi Chuan probably doesn't count.) Ed.]
6238 A few hours grace before the madness begins again.
6240 A figure with curves always offers a lot of interesting angles.
6242 A fisherman from Maine went to Alabama on his vacation. He rented a boat,
6243 rowed out to the middle of the lake, and cast his line, but when he looked
6244 down into the water he was horrified to see a man wrapped in chains lying
6245 on the bottom of the lake. He quickly rowed to shore and ran to the police
6246 station. "Sheriff, sheriff," he gasped, there's a guy wrapped in chains,
6247 drowned in the lake!"
6248 "Now ain't that jest like a Yankee," drawled the sheriff, "to steal
6249 more chain than he can swim with?"
6251 A fitter fits; Though sinners sin
6252 A cutter cuts; And thinners thin
6253 And an aircraft spotter spots; And paper-blotters blot
6254 A baby-sitter I've never yet
6255 Baby-sits -- Had letters let
6256 But an otter never ots. Or seen an otter ot.
6259 (Or scatters scats);
6260 A potting shed's for potting;
6263 Or caught an otter otting.
6266 A flashy Mercedes-Benz roared up to the curb where a cute young miss stood
6268 "Hi," said the gentleman at the wheel. "I'm going west."
6269 "How wonderful," came the cool reply. "Bring me back an orange."
6271 A fool and his honey are soon parted.
6273 A fool and his money are soon popular.
6275 A fool and your money are soon partners.
6277 A fool is a man who worries about whether or not his lover has integrity.
6278 A wise man, on the other hand, busies himself with deeper attributes.
6280 A fool must now and then be right by chance.
6282 A foolish consistency is the hobgoblin of little minds.
6283 -- Ralph Waldo Emerson
6285 A fool-proof method for sculpting an elephant: first, get a huge block
6286 of marble; then you chip away everything that doesn't look like an elephant.
6288 A fool's brain digests philosophy into folly, science into
6289 superstition, and art into pedantry. Hence University education.
6292 A formal parsing algorithm should not always be used.
6295 A Fortran compiler is the hobgoblin of little minis.
6297 A fox is wolf who sends flowers.
6300 A freelance is one who gets paid by the word -- per piece or perhaps.
6303 A friend in need is a pest indeed.
6305 A friend is a present you give yourself.
6306 -- Robert Louis Stevenson
6308 A friend of mine is into Voodoo Acupuncture. You don't have to go.
6309 You'll just be walking down the street and... Ooohh, that's much better.
6312 A friend of mine won't get a divorce, because he hates
6313 lawyers more than he hates his wife.
6315 A friend with weed is a friend indeed.
6317 A full belly makes a dull brain.
6320 [and the local candy machine man. Ed]
6322 A 'full' life in my experience is usually full only of other
6325 A furore Normanorum libera nos, O Domine!
6327 A gambler's biggest thrill is winning a bet.
6328 His next biggest thrill is losing a bet.
6330 A gangster assembled an engineer, a chemist, and a physicist. He explained
6331 that he was entering a horse in a race the following week and the three
6332 assembled guys had the job of assuring that the gangster's horse would win.
6333 They were to reconvene the day before the race to tell the gangster how they
6334 each propose to ensure a win. When they reconvened the gangster started with
6337 Gangster: OK, Mr. engineer, what have you got?
6338 Engineer: Well, I've invented a way to weave metallic threads into the saddle
6339 blanket so that they will act as the plates of a battery and provide
6340 electrical shock to the horse.
6341 G: That's very good! But let's hear from the chemist.
6342 Chemist: I've synthesized a powerful stimulant that dissolves
6343 into simple blood sugars after ten minutes and therefore
6344 cannot be detected in post-race tests.
6345 G: Excellent, excellent! But I want to hear from the physicist before
6346 I decide what to do. Physicist?
6348 Physicist: Well, first consider a spherical horse in simple harmonic motion...
6350 A gentleman is a man who wouldn't hit a lady with his hat on.
6352 [ And why not? For why does she have his hat on? Ed.]
6354 A gentleman never strikes a lady with his hat on.
6357 A gift of a flower will soon be made to you.
6359 A girl and a boy bump into each other -- surely a coincidence. A girl and
6360 a boy bump and her handkerchief drops -- surely another coincidence. But
6361 when a girl gives a boy a dead squid, *that had to mean SOMETHING!*
6363 A girl and a boy bump into each other -- surely an accident.
6364 A girl and a boy bump and her handkerchief drops -- surely another accident.
6365 But when a girl gives a boy a dead squid -- *that had to mean something*.
6366 -- S. Morgenstern, "The Silent Gondoliers"
6368 A girl with a future avoids the man with a past.
6369 -- Evan Esar, "The Humor of Humor"
6371 A girl's best friend is her mutter.
6374 A girl's conscience doesn't really keep her from doing anything wrong--
6375 it merely keeps her from enjoying it.
6377 A gleekzorp without a tornpee is like
6378 a quop without a fertsneet (sort of).
6380 A [golf] ball hitting a tree shall be deemed not to have hit the tree.
6381 Hitting a tree is simply bad luck and has no place in a scientific game.
6382 The player should estimate the distance the ball would have traveled if it
6383 had not hit the tree and play the ball from there, preferably atop a nice
6387 A [golf] ball sliced or hooked into the rough shall be lifted and placed in
6388 the fairway at a point equal to the distance it carried or rolled into the
6389 rough. Such veering right or left frequently results from friction between
6390 the face of the club and the cover of the ball and the player should not be
6391 penalized for the erratic behavior of the ball resulting from such
6392 uncontrollable physical phenomena.
6395 A good man always knows his limitations.
6398 A good marriage would be between a blind wife and deaf husband.
6399 -- Michel de Montaigne
6401 A good memory does not equal pale ink.
6403 A good name lost is seldom regained. When character is gone,
6404 all is gone, and one of the richest jewels of life is lost forever.
6407 A good plan today is better than a perfect plan tomorrow.
6410 A good reputation is more valuable than money.
6413 A good scapegoat is hard to find.
6415 A good supervisor can step on your toes without messing up your shine.
6417 A GOOD WAY TO THREATEN somebody is to light a stick of dynamite. Then you
6418 call the guy and hold the burning fuse to the phone. "Hear that?" you say.
6419 "That's dynamite, baby."
6420 -- Jack Handley, The New Mexican, 1988.
6422 A gossip is one who talks to you about others, a bore is one who talks to
6423 you about himself; and a brilliant conversationalist is one who talks to
6427 A gourmet restaurant in Cincinnati is one where you leave the tray on
6428 the table after you eat.
6430 A gourmet who thinks of calories is like a tart that looks at her watch.
6433 A government that is big enough to give you all you want is big enough
6434 to take it all away.
6437 A grammarian's life is always intense.
6439 A great empire, like a great cake, is most easily diminished at the edges.
6442 A great many people think they are thinking
6443 when they are merely rearranging their prejudices.
6446 A green hunting cap squeezed the top of the fleshy balloon of a head. The
6447 green earflaps, full of large ears and uncut hair and the fine bristles that
6448 grew in the ears themselves, stuck out on either side like turn signals
6449 indicating two directions at once. Full, pursed lips protruded beneath the
6450 bushy black moustache and, at their corners, sank into little folds filled
6451 with disapproval and potato chip crumbs. In the shadow under the green visor
6452 of the cap Ignatius J. Reilly's supercilious blue and yellow eyes looked down
6453 upon the other people waiting under the clock at the D.H. Holmes department
6454 store, studying the crowd of people for signs of bad taste in dress. Several
6455 of the outfits, Ignatius noticed, were new enough and expensive enough to be
6456 properly considered offenses against taste and decency. Possession of
6457 anything new or expensive only reflected a person's lack of theology and
6458 geometry; it could even cast doubts upon one's soul.
6459 -- John Kennedy Toole, "Confederacy of Dunces"
6461 A group of politicians deciding to dump a President because his morals
6462 are bad is like the Mafia getting together to bump off the Godfather for
6463 not going to church on Sunday.
6466 A guilty conscience is the mother of invention.
6469 A guy has to get fresh once in a while
6470 so a girl doesn't lose her confidence.
6472 A hacker does for love what others would not do for money.
6475 Is nerve-wracking and dangerous.
6476 To retain people as men -- and maidservants
6477 Brings good fortune.
6479 A hammer sometimes misses its mark - a bouquet never.
6481 A handful of friends is worth more than a wagon of gold.
6483 A handful of patience is worth more than a bushel of brains.
6485 A healthy male adult bore consumes each year one and a half times his own
6486 weight in other people's patience.
6489 A help wanted add for a photo journalist asked the rhetorical question:
6491 If you found yourself in a situation where you could either save
6492 a drowning man, or you could take a Pulitzer prize winning
6493 photograph of him drowning, what shutter speed and setting would
6498 A Hen Brooding Kittens
6499 A friend informs us that he saw at the Novato ranch, Marin county,
6500 a few days since, a hen actually brooding and otherwise caring for three
6501 kittens! The gentleman upon whose premises this strange event is transpiring
6502 says the hen adopted the kittens when they were but a few days old, and that
6503 she has devoted them her undivided care for several weeks past. The young
6504 felines are now of respectable size, but they nevertheless follow the hen at
6505 her cluckings, and are regularly brooded at night beneath her wings.
6506 -- Sacramento Daily Union, July 2, 1861
6508 A hermit is a deserter from the army of humanity.
6510 A holding company is a thing where you hand
6511 an accomplice the goods while the policeman searches you.
6513 A Hollywood producer calls a friend, another producer on the phone.
6514 "Hello?" his friend answers.
6515 "Hi!" says the man. "This is Bob, how are you doing?"
6516 "Oh," says the friend, "I'm doing great! I just sold a screenplay
6517 for two hundred thousand dollars. I've started a novel adaptation and the
6518 studio advanced me fifty thousand dollars on it. I also have a television
6519 series coming on next week, and everyone says it's going to be a big hit!
6520 I'm doing *great*! How are you?"
6521 "Okay," says the producer, "give me a call when he leaves."
6523 A homeowner's reach should exceed his grasp, or what's a weekend for?
6525 "A horrible little boy came up to me and said, `You know in your book
6526 The Martian Chronicles?' I said, `Yes?' He said, `You know where you
6527 talk about Deimos rising in the East?' I said, `Yes?' He said `No.'
6529 -- attributed to Ray Bradbury
6531 A horse! A horse! My kingdom for a horse!
6532 -- Wm. Shakespeare, "Henry VI"
6534 A hundred thousand lemmings can't be wrong!
6536 A hundred years from now it is very likely that [of Twain's works] "The
6537 Jumping Frog" alone will be remembered.
6538 -- Harry Thurston Peck (Editor of "The Bookman"), January 1901.
6540 A husband is what is left of the lover after the nerve has been extracted.
6543 A hypocrite is a person who ... but who isn't?
6546 A hypothetical paradox:
6547 What would happen in a battle between an Enterprise security team,
6548 who always get killed soon after appearing, and a squad of Imperial
6549 Stormtroopers, who can't hit the broad side of a planet?
6552 A is for Amy who fell down the stairs, B is for Basil assaulted by bears.
6553 C is for Clair who wasted away, D is for Desmond thrown out of the sleigh.
6554 E is for Ernest who choked on a peach, F is for Fanny, sucked dry by a leech.
6555 G is for George, smothered under a rug, H is for Hector, done in by a thug.
6556 I is for Ida who drowned in the lake, J is for James who took lye, by mistake.
6557 K is for Kate who was struck with an axe, L is for Leo who swallowed some tacks.
6558 M is for Maud who was swept out to sea, N is for Nevil who died of enui.
6559 O is for Olive, run through with an awl, P is for Prue, trampled flat in a brawl
6560 Q is for Quinton who sank in a mire, R is for Rhoda, consumed by a fire.
6561 S is for Susan who parished of fits, T is for Titas who flew into bits.
6562 U is for Una who slipped down a drain, V is for Victor, squashed under a train.
6563 W is for Winie, embedded in ice, X is for Xercies, devoured by mice.
6564 Y is for Yoric whose head was bashed in, Z is for Zilla who drank too much gin.
6565 -- Edward Gorey "The Gastly Crumb Tines"
6570 A is for awk, which runs like a snail, and
6571 B is for biff, which reads all your mail.
6572 C is for cc, as hackers recall, while
6573 D is for dd, the command that does all.
6574 E is for emacs, which rebinds your keys, and
6575 F is for fsck, which rebuilds your trees.
6576 G is for grep, a clever detective, while
6577 H is for halt, which may seem defective.
6578 I is for indent, which rarely amuses, and
6579 J is for join, which nobody uses.
6580 K is for kill, which makes you the boss, while
6581 L is for lex, which is missing from DOS.
6582 M is for more, from which less was begot, and
6583 N is for nice, which it really is not.
6584 O is for od, which prints out things nice, while
6585 P is for passwd, which reads in strings twice.
6586 Q is for quota, a Berkeley-type fable, and
6587 R is for ranlib, for sorting ar table.
6588 S is for spell, which attempts to belittle, while
6589 T is for true, which does very little.
6590 U is for uniq, which is used after sort, and
6591 V is for vi, which is hard to abort.
6592 W is for whoami, which tells you your name, while
6593 X is, well, X, of dubious fame.
6594 Y is for yes, which makes an impression, and
6595 Z is for zcat, which handles compression.
6596 -- THE ABC'S OF UNIX
6598 A joint is just tea for two.
6600 A journey of a thousand miles begins with a cash advance from Sam.
6602 A journey of a thousand miles must begin with a single step.
6605 A journey of a thousand miles starts under one's feet.
6608 A jug of wine, a bowl of rice with it;
6610 Simply handed in through the window.
6611 There is certainly no blame in this.
6613 A jury consists of twelve persons chosen to decide who has the better lawyer.
6616 A key to the understanding of all religions is that a God's idea of a
6617 good time is a game of Snakes and Ladders with greased rungs.
6619 A kid'll eat the middle of an Oreo, eventually.
6621 A kind of Batman of contemporary letters.
6622 -- Philip Larkin on Anthony Burgess
6624 A king's castle is his home.
6626 A kiss is a course of procedure, cunningly devised,
6627 for the mutual stoppage of speech at a moment when
6628 words are superfluous.
6630 A lack of leadership is no substitute for inaction.
6632 A lady is one who never shows her underwear unintentionally.
6635 A lady with one of her ears applied
6636 To an open keyhole heard, inside,
6637 Two female gossips in converse free --
6638 The subject engaging them was she.
6639 "I think", said one, "and my husband thinks
6640 That she's a prying, inquisitive minx!"
6641 As soon as no more of it she could hear
6642 The lady, indignant, removed her ear.
6643 "I will not stay," she said with a pout,
6644 "To hear my character lied about!"
6647 A language that doesn't affect the way you
6648 think about programming is not worth knowing.
6650 A language that doesn't have everything is
6651 actually easier to program in than some that do.
6654 A lanky Texan was mad because Texas had just become the second largest state in
6655 the Union, so he made up his mind to move to Alaska. He drove for three days
6656 and three nights to get there and finally he came to what looked like the state
6657 line. He halted his car and walked up to the border guard. "Hi, there! How
6658 do I become a resident of this here biggest state?" demanded the Texan.
6659 The guard looked him up and down and grinned. "Waal," he answered,
6660 there are three things you gotta do to get in. First, drink down a quart of
6661 110 proof corn liquor without blinkin'. Second, kill a grizzly bear, and
6662 third, make love to an Eskimo woman."
6663 "Sounds easy enough," said the Texan. "Where can I get a quart of
6664 this here corn liquor?"
6665 "Got one right here," replied the guard.
6666 The Texan gulped down the whiskey without batting an eyelash.
6667 "Now, do you happen to know where I can find me a grizzly?"
6668 "Yep," answered the guard, "there's a big b'ar over that way, 'bout
6669 a mile... lives in a cave on that cliff."
6670 The Texan lurched merrily off. About an hour later he returned
6671 with his clothes almost torn off and his face scratched and bloody. He was
6672 smiling happily. "Now," he roared, "where's that damn Eskimo woman you
6675 A large number of installed systems work by fiat.
6676 That is, they work by being declared to work.
6679 A large spider in an old house built a beautiful web in which to catch flies.
6680 Every time a fly landed on the web and was entangled in it the spider devoured
6681 him, so that when another fly came along he would think the web was a safe and
6682 quiet place in which to rest. One day a fairly intelligent fly buzzed around
6683 above the web so long without lighting that the spider appeared and said,
6684 "Come on down." But the fly was too clever for him and said, "I never light
6685 where I don't see other flies and I don't see any other flies in your house."
6686 So he flew away until he came to a place where there were a great many other
6687 flies. He was about to settle down among them when a bee buzzed up and said,
6688 "Hold it, stupid, that's flypaper. All those flies are trapped." "Don't be
6689 silly," said the fly, "they're dancing." So he settled down and became stuck
6690 to the flypaper with all the other flies.
6692 Moral: There is no safety in numbers, or in anything else.
6693 -- James Thurber, "The Fairly Intelligent Fly"
6695 A Law of Computer Programming:
6696 Make it possible for programmers to write in English
6697 and you will find that programmers cannot write in English.
6699 A liberal is a man too broadminded to take his own side in a quarrel.
6702 A liberal is a person whose interests aren't at stake at the moment.
6705 A liberal is someone too poor to be a
6706 capitalist, and too rich to be a communist.
6708 A lie in time saves nine.
6710 A lie is an abomination unto the Lord and a very present help in time of
6714 A life spent in search of the perfect hash brownie is a life well spent.
6716 A lifetime isn't nearly long enough to figure out what it's all about.
6718 A light wife doth make a heavy husband.
6719 -- Wm. Shakespeare, "The Merchant of Venice"
6721 A likely impossibility is always preferable to an unconvincing possibility.
6724 A LISP programmer knows the value of
6725 everything, but the cost of nothing.
6728 A list is only as strong as its weakest link.
6731 A little experience often upsets a lot of theory.
6733 A little inaccuracy saves a world of explanation.
6736 A little inaccuracy sometimes saves tons of explanation.
6737 -- H.H. Munro, "Saki"
6739 A little kid went up to Santa and asked him, "Santa, you know when I'm bad
6740 right?" And Santa says, "Yes, I do." The little kid then asks, "And you
6741 know when I'm sleeping?" To which Santa replies, "Every minute." So the
6742 little kid then says, "Well, if you know when I'm bad and when I'm good,
6743 then how come you don't know what I want for Christmas?"
6745 A little retrospection shows that although many fine, useful software systems
6746 have been designed by committees and built as part of multipart projects,
6747 those software systems that have excited passionate fans are those that are
6748 the products of one or a few designing minds, great designers. Consider Unix,
6749 APL, Pascal, Modula, the Smalltalk interface, even Fortran; and contrast them
6750 with Cobol, PL/I, Algol, MVS/370, and MS-DOS.
6753 A little word of doubtful number,
6754 A foe to rest and peaceful slumber.
6755 If you add an "s" to this,
6756 Great is the metamorphosis.
6757 Plural is plural now no more,
6758 And sweet what bitter was before.
6761 A log may float in a river, but that does not make it a crocodile.
6763 A long memory is the most subversive idea in America.
6765 A long-forgotten loved one will appear soon.
6766 Buy the negatives at any price.
6768 A lost ounce of gold may be found, a lost moment of time never.
6770 A lot of people are afraid of heights. Not me. I'm afraid of widths.
6773 A lot of people I know believe in positive thinking,
6774 and so do I. I believe everything positively stinks.
6777 A lover without indiscretion is no lover at all.
6780 A major, with wonderful force,
6781 Called out in Hyde Park for a horse.
6782 All the flowers looked round,
6783 But no horse could be found;
6784 So he just rhododendron, of course.
6786 A male gynecologist is like an auto mechanic who has never owned a car.
6789 A man always needs to remember one thing about
6790 a beautiful woman. Somewhere, somebody's tired of her.
6792 A man always remembers his first love with special
6793 tenderness, but after that begins to bunch them.
6796 A man arrived home early to find his wife in the arms of his best friend,
6797 who swore how much they were in love. To quiet the enraged husband, the
6798 lover suggested, "Friends shouldn't fight, let's play gin rummy. If I win,
6799 you get a divorce so I can marry her. If you win, I promise never to see
6801 "Alright," agreed the husband. "But how about a quarter a point
6802 on the side to make it interesting?"
6804 A man can have two, maybe three love affairs while he's married. After
6808 A man can sleep around, no questions asked, but if a woman makes nineteen
6809 or twenty mistakes she's a tramp.
6812 A man does not look behind the door unless he has stood there himself.
6815 A man fell off a mountain and, as he fell, saw a branch and grabbed for it.
6816 By superhuman effort he was able to get a precarious grip on it. As he
6817 was hanging there for dear life, he looked up and cried out,
6819 A deep majestic voice answered,
6820 "Yes my son, I am here. What do you need?"
6821 "Help me!!" cried the man.
6822 "I will help you", said the voice, "Just let go of the branch and
6823 you'll be safe. All you have to do is trust."
6824 The man thought for a moment and cried out:
6825 "Anybody ELSE up there?"
6827 A man gazing at the stars is proverbially at the mercy of the puddles
6831 A man goes into a bar and begins to tell a Polish joke. The man sitting
6832 next to him, a big hulking powerhouse, turns and says menacingly, "*I'm*
6834 He then calls out, "Ivan! Come over here and bring your brother."
6835 Two men, bigger than the first, appear from the back room.
6836 "Josef!" the man calls out, "come here a second, and bring Lendl
6837 with you." Two more men appear, and all five men crowd around the man with
6839 "Now," says the first Polish man, "do you want to finish that joke?"
6840 "Nah," says the man.
6841 "Oh, no? And why not? I'm sure it was very funny," says the Polish
6842 man, opening and closing his fist. "Are you scared?"
6843 "No," replies the man. "I just don't feel like having to explain it
6846 A man in love is incomplete until he is married. Then he is finished.
6847 -- Zsa Zsa Gabor, "Newsweek"
6849 A man is already halfway in love with any woman who listens to him.
6852 A man is crawling through the Sahara desert when he is approached by another
6853 man riding on a camel. When the rider gets close enough, the crawling man
6854 whispers through his sun-parched lips, "Water... please... can you give...
6856 "I'm sorry," replies the man on the camel, "I don't have any water
6857 with me. But I'd be delighted to sell you a necktie."
6858 "Tie?" whispers the man. "I need *water*."
6859 "They're only four dollars apiece."
6861 "Okay, okay, say two for seven dollars."
6862 "Please! I need *water*!", says the man.
6863 "I don't have any water, all I have are ties," replies the salesman,
6864 and he heads off into the distance.
6865 The man, losing track of time, crawls for what seems like days.
6866 Finally, nearly dead, sun-blind and with his skin peeling and blistering, he
6867 sees a restaurant in the distance. Summoning the last of his strength he
6868 staggers up to the door and confronts the head waiter.
6869 "Water... can I get... water," the dying man manages to stammer.
6870 "I'm sorry, sir, ties required."
6872 A man is known by the company he organizes.
6875 A man is like a rusty wheel on a rusty cart,
6876 He sings his song as he rattles along and then he falls apart.
6879 A man is only as old as the woman he feels.
6882 A man is walking along when he sees a funeral procession going by, the
6883 longest procession he's ever seen. It seems to consist of the hearse,
6884 followed by a man with a Doberman on a leash, followed by several hundred
6885 other men. After watching for a few minutes, he can restrain his curiosity
6886 no longer, and walks up to one of the mourners.
6887 "Excuse me, sir, I don't mean to bother you in your moment of grief,
6888 but this is the strangest procession I've ever seen. What happened, who is
6890 "Well, it's nothing special, really, the funeral is for the mother-
6891 in-law of the man at the front of the procession. You see, his Doberman
6892 attacked and killed her."
6893 "That's awful!", replies the onlooker. "But... um... tell me, you
6894 don't think he'd let me borrow that dog, do you?"
6895 "Get in line, buddy," replies the mourner, "get in line."
6897 A man is walking down the street when he sees a man with four arms, and
6898 antennae coming out of his head. He goes up to him and says, "You're not
6899 from around here, are you?"
6900 "No," replies the man with the antennae.
6901 "You know," continues the man, "I don't think you're an American,
6902 either. In fact, I bet you don't even come from this planet!"
6903 "Right again," says the man with four arms. "I'm from Mars."
6904 "Well," says the man, "that's quite some configuration you've got
6905 there, with those four arms and those antennae and everything."
6906 "We Martians all have four arms and antennae."
6907 "Well, that's just amazing," replies the man, "and how about that
6908 big gold colored plate in the middle of your chest, what's that, do all
6909 Martians have that?"
6910 "Well, no," says the Martian. "Not the *goyim*."
6912 A man marries to have a home, but also because he doesn't want to be
6913 bothered with sex and all that sort of thing.
6914 -- W. Somerset Maugham, "The Circle"
6916 A man may be so much of everything that he is nothing of anything.
6919 A man may sometimes be forgiven the kiss to which he is not entitled,
6920 but never the kiss he has not the initiative to claim.
6922 A man may well bring a horse to the water,
6923 but he cannot make him drink with he will.
6926 A man of genius makes no mistakes.
6927 His errors are volitional and are the portals of discovery.
6928 -- James Joyce, "Ulysses"
6930 A man paints with his brains and not with his hands.
6932 A man said to the Universe:
6934 "However," replied the Universe,
6935 "the fact has not created in me a sense of obligation."
6938 A man took his wife deer hunting for the first time. After he'd given her
6939 some basic instructions, they agreed to separate and rendezvous later. Before
6940 he left, he warned her if she should fell a deer to be wary of hunters who
6941 might beat her to the carcass and claim the kill. If that happened, he told
6942 her, she should fire her gun three times into the air and he would come to
6944 Shortly after they separated, he heard a single shot, followed quickly
6945 by the agreed upon signal. Running to the scene, he found his wife standing
6946 in a small clearing with a very nervous man staring down her gun barrel.
6947 "He claims this is his," she said, obviously very upset.
6948 "She can keep it, she can keep it!" the wide-eyed man replied. "I
6949 just want to get my saddle back!"
6951 A man usually falls in love with a woman who asks the kinds of questions
6952 he is able to answer.
6955 A man was griping to his friend about how he hated to go home after a
6957 "You wouldn't believe what I go through to avoid waking my wife,"
6958 he said. "First, I kill the engine a block away from the house and coast
6959 into the garage. Then I open the door slowly, take off my shoes, and
6960 tiptoe to our room. But just as I'm about to slide into bed, she always
6961 wakes up and gives me hell."
6962 "I make a big racket when I go home," his friend replied.
6964 "Sure. I honk the horn, slam the door, turn on all the lights,
6965 stomp up to the bedroom and give my wife a big kiss. `Hi, Alice,' I say.
6966 `How about a little smooch for your old man?'"
6967 "And what does she say?" his friend asked in disbelief.
6968 "She doesn't say anything," his buddy replied. "She always pretends
6971 A man was kneeling by a grave in a cemetery, crying and praying very loudly,
6972 "Oh why..eeeee did you die...eeeeee, Oh Why..eeeeee,
6973 why did you Di......eeee"
6974 The caretaker walks up, pardons himself and asks politely,
6975 "Excuse me, sir, but I've been seeing you for hours now,
6976 carrying on at this grave. You must have been very close to the deceased."
6977 "No, I never met him. Oh why....eeeee did you dieeeeee,
6978 why....eeeee did you.."
6979 "Sir, you say you never met this person, yet you carry on so?
6980 Tell, me who is buried here?"
6981 "My wife's first husband."
6983 A man who cannot seduce men cannot save them either.
6984 -- Soren Kierkegaard
6986 A man who carries a cat by its tail learns something he can learn
6989 A man who fishes for marlin in ponds
6990 will put his money in Etruscan bonds.
6992 A man who likes to lie in bed can usually
6993 find a girl willing to listen to him.
6995 A man who turns green has eschewed protein.
6997 A man with 3 wings and a dictionary is cousin to the turkey.
6999 A man with one watch knows what time it is.
7000 A man with two watches is never quite sure.
7002 A man without a God is like a fish without a bicycle.
7004 A man without a woman is like a fish without gills.
7006 A man without a woman is like a statue without pigeons.
7008 A man would still do something out of sheer perversity - he would create
7009 destruction and chaos - just to gain his point... and if all this could in
7010 turn be analyzed and prevented by predicting that it would occur, then man
7011 would deliberately go mad to prove his point.
7012 -- Feodor Dostoevsky, "Notes From the Underground"
7014 A man wrapped up in himself makes a very small package.
7016 A man's best friend is his dogma.
7018 A man's gotta know his limitations.
7019 -- Clint Eastwood, "Dirty Harry"
7021 A man's house is his castle.
7024 A man's house is his hassle.
7026 A master was asked the question, "What is the Way?" by a curious monk.
7027 "It is right before your eyes," said the master.
7028 "Why do I not see it for myself?"
7029 "Because you are thinking of yourself."
7030 "What about you: do you see it?"
7031 "So long as you see double, saying `I don't', and `you do', and so
7032 on, your eyes are clouded," said the master.
7033 "When there is neither `I' nor `You', can one see it?"
7034 "When there is neither `I' nor `You',
7035 who is the one that wants to see it?"
7037 A mathematician, a doctor, and an engineer are walking on the beach and
7038 observe a team of lifeguards pumping the stomach of a drowned woman. As
7039 they watch, water, sand, snails and such come out of the pump.
7040 The doctor watches for a while and says: "Keep pumping, men, you may
7042 The mathematician does some calculations and says: "According to my
7043 understanding of the size of that pump, you have already pumped more water
7044 from her body than could be contained in a cylinder 4 feet in diameter and
7046 The engineer says: "I think she's sitting in a puddle."
7048 A mathematician is a device for turning coffee into theorems.
7051 A meeting is an event at which the
7052 minutes are kept and the hours are lost.
7054 A memorandum is written not to inform the reader,
7055 but to protect the writer.
7058 A method of solution is perfect if we can foresee from the start,
7059 and even prove, that following that method we shall attain our aim.
7062 A Mexican newspaper reports that bored Royal Air Force pilots stationed
7063 on the Falkland Islands have devised what they consider a marvelous new
7064 game. Noting that the local penguins are fascinated by airplanes, the
7065 pilots search out a beach where the birds are gathered and fly slowly
7066 along it at the water's edge. Perhaps ten thousand penguins turn their
7067 heads in unison watching the planes go by, and when the pilots turn
7068 around and fly back, the birds turn their heads in the opposite
7069 direction, like spectators at a slow-motion tennis match. Then, the
7070 paper reports "The pilots fly out to sea and directly to the penguin
7071 colony and overfly it. Heads go up, up, up, and ten thousand penguins
7072 fall over gently onto their backs.
7073 -- Audobon Society Magazine
7075 A mighty creature is the germ,
7076 Though smaller than the pachyderm.
7077 His customary dwelling place
7078 Is deep within the human race.
7079 His childish pride he often pleases
7080 By giving people strange diseases.
7081 Do you, my poppet, feel infirm?
7082 You probably contain a germ.
7085 A mind is a wonderful thing to waste.
7087 A modem is a baudy house.
7089 A modest woman, dressed out in all her finery,
7090 is the most tremendous object in the whole creation.
7093 A Mormon is a man that has the bad taste and the religion to do what a good
7094 many other people are restrained from doing by conscientious scruples and
7098 A mother mouse was taking her large brood for a stroll across the kitchen
7099 floor one day when the local cat, by a feat of stealth unusual even for
7100 its species, managed to trap them in a corner. The children cowered,
7101 terrified by this fearsome beast, plaintively crying, "Help, Mother!
7102 Save us! Save us! We're scared, Mother!"
7103 Mother Mouse, with the hopeless valor of a parent protecting its
7104 children, turned with her teeth bared to the cat, towering huge above them,
7105 and suddenly began to bark in a fashion that would have done any Doberman
7106 proud. The startled cat fled in fear for its life.
7107 As her grateful offspring flocked around her shouting "Oh, Mother,
7108 you saved us!" and "Yay! You scared the cat away!" she turned to them
7109 purposefully and declared, "You see how useful it is to know a second
7112 A mother takes twenty years to make a man of her boy,
7113 and another woman makes a fool of him in twenty minutes.
7116 A motion to adjourn is always in order.
7118 A mouse is an elephant built by the Japanese.
7120 A mushroom cloud has no silver lining.
7122 A musician, an artist, an architect:
7123 the man or woman who is not one of these is not a Christian.
7126 A myth is a religion in which no-one any longer believes.
7127 -- James Feibleman, "Understanding Philosophy"
7129 A narcissist is anyone better-looking than you.
7132 A narcissist is someone better looking than you are.
7135 A nasty looking dwarf throws a knife at you.
7137 A national debt, if it is not excessive,
7138 will be to us a national blessing.
7139 -- Alexander Hamilton
7141 A neighbor came to Nasrudin, asking to borrow his donkey. "It is out on
7142 loan," the teacher replied. At that moment, the donkey brayed loudly inside
7143 the stable. "But I can hear it bray, over there." "Whom do you believe,"
7144 asked Nasrudin, "me or a donkey?"
7146 A new 'chutist had just jumped from the plane at 10,000 feet, and soon
7147 discovered that all his lines were hopelessly tangled. At about 5,000 feet,
7148 still struggling, he noticed someone coming up from the ground at about the
7149 same speed as he was going towards the ground. As they passed each other at
7150 3,000 feet, the 'chutist yells, "HEY! DO YOU KNOW ANYTHING ABOUT PARACHUTES?"
7151 The reply came, fading towards the end, "NO! DO YOU KNOW ANYTHING
7152 ABOUT COLEMAN STOVES?"
7155 If you have some ice cream, I will give it to you.
7156 If you have no ice cream, I will take it away from you.
7157 It is an ice cream koan.
7159 A new supply of round tuits has arrived and are available from Mary.
7160 Anyone who has been putting off work until they got a `round tuit'
7161 now has no excuse for further procrastination.
7163 A new taste had been acquired and a new appetite began to grow. The time
7164 had long since arrived to crush the technical intelligentsia, which had
7165 come to regard itself as too irreplaceable and had not gotten used to
7166 catching instructions on the wing. In other words, we never did trust
7167 the engineers - and from the very first years of the Revolution we saw to
7168 it that those lackeys and servants of former capitalist bosses were kept
7169 in line by healthy suspicion and surveillance by the workers.
7170 -- Aleksandr I. Solzhenitsyn, "The Gulag Archipelago"
7172 A New Way of Taking Pills
7173 A physician one night in Wisconsin being disturbed by a burglar, and
7174 having no ball or shot for his pistol, noiselessly loaded the weapon with
7175 small, hard pills, and gave the intruder a "prescription" which he thinks
7176 will go far towards curing the rascal of a very bad ailment.
7177 -- Nevada Morning Transcript, January 30, 1861
7179 A New Yorker is riding down the road in his new Mercedes. So intent is he
7180 on the cocaine in his hand he completely misses a turn and his car plunges
7181 over the five-hundred-foot cliff to be smashed into pieces at the bottom.
7182 As the on-lookers rush to the edge of the cliff they see him fifty feet
7183 from the top of the cliff clinging to a stunted bush with all his strength.
7184 "Dear Lord," he prays, "I never asked you for nothin' before, but I'm askin'
7185 you now: Save me, Lord, save me."
7186 Booms the Lord: "LET GO OF THE BRANCH."
7187 "But Lord, if I do that, I'll fall!"
7188 "TRUST ME, LET GO OF THE BRANCH."
7189 "But Lord, I'm gonna fall and die..."
7190 "TRUST ME TO SAVE YOU. LET GO OF THE BRANCH."
7191 Okay, Lord, I'll trust you, here I... here I go!" And he falls
7195 A New Yorker was driving through Berkeley when he saw a big crowd gathered
7196 by the side of the street. Curiosity got the better of him and he leaned
7197 out of his window to ask an onlooker what was going on. The fellow explained
7198 that a protestor against the U.S. position in South America had doused
7199 himself with gasoline and set himself on fire. "That's terrible," gasped
7200 the man. "But why is everyone still standing around?"
7201 "Well, they're taking up a collection for his wife and kids," the
7202 onlooker explained. "Would you be willing to help?"
7203 "Well, sure," replied the New Yorker. "I suppose I could spare a
7206 A newspaper is a circulating library with high blood pressure.
7207 -- Arthure "Bugs" Baer
7209 A nickel ain't worth a dime anymore.
7212 A Nixon [is preferable to] a Dean Rusk -- who will be
7213 passionately wrong with a high sense of consistency.
7216 A non-vegetarian anti-abortionist is a contradiction in terms.
7219 A novice asked the Master: "Here is a programmer that never designs,
7220 documents or tests his programs. Yet all who know him consider him
7221 one of the bests programmer in the world. Why is this?"
7222 The Master replies: "That programmer has mastered the Tao. He has
7223 gone beyond the need for design; he does not become angry when the system
7224 crashes, but accepts the universe without concern. He has gone beyond the
7225 need for documentation; he no longer cares if anyone else sees his code.
7226 He has gone beyond the need for testing; each of his programs are perfect
7227 within themselves, serene and elegant, their purpose self-evident. Truly,
7228 he has entered the mystery of Tao."
7230 A novice of the temple once approached the Chief Priest with a question.
7232 "Master, does Emacs have the Buddha nature?" the novice asked.
7234 The Chief Priest had been in the temple for many years and could be
7235 relied upon to know these things. He thought for several minutes
7238 "I don't see why not. It's got bloody well everything else."
7240 With that, the Chief Priest went to lunch. The novice suddenly achieved
7241 enlightenment, several years later.
7246 Answering his FAQ quickly,
7247 With thought and sarcasm.
7249 A nuclear war can ruin your whole day.
7251 A pain in the ass of major dimensions.
7252 -- C.A. Desoer, on the solution of non-linear circuits
7254 A Parable of Modern Research:
7256 Bob has lost his keys in a room which is dark except for one
7257 brightly lit corner.
7258 "Why are you looking under the light, you lost them in the dark!"
7259 "I can only see here."
7261 A paranoid is a man who knows a little of what's going on.
7262 -- William S. Burroughs
7264 A pat on the back is only a few centimeters from a kick in the pants.
7266 A pedestal is as much a prison as any small, confined space.
7269 A pencil with no point needs no eraser.
7271 "A penny for your thoughts?"
7272 "A dollar for your death."
7275 A penny saved has not been spent.
7277 A penny saved is a penny taxed.
7279 A penny saved is ridiculous.
7281 A penny saved kills your career in government.
7283 A people living under the perpetual menace of war and invasion is very easy to
7284 govern. It demands no social reforms. It does not haggle over expenditures
7285 on armaments and military equipment. It pays without discussion, it ruins
7286 itself, and that is an excellent thing for the syndicates of financiers and
7287 manufacturers for whom patriotic terrors are an abundant source of gain.
7290 A perfectly honest woman, a woman who never flatters, who never manages,
7291 who never cajoles, who never conceals, who never uses her eyes, who never
7292 speculates on the effect which she produces, who never is conscious of
7293 unspoken admiration, what a monster, I say, would such a female be!
7296 A person forgives only when they are in the wrong.
7298 A person is just about as big as the things that make him angry.
7300 A person who has both feet planted firmly
7301 in the air can be safely called a liberal.
7303 A person who has nothing looks at all there is and wants something.
7304 A person who has something looks at all there is and wants all the rest.
7306 A person who is more than casually interested in computers should be well
7307 schooled in machine language, since it is a fundamental part of a computer.
7310 A pessimist is a man who has been compelled to live with an optimist.
7313 A physicist is an atoms way of knowing about atoms.
7316 A pickup with three guys in it pulls into the lumber yard. One of the men
7317 gets out and goes into the office.
7318 "I need some four-by-two's," he says.
7319 "You must mean two-by-four's" replies the clerk.
7320 The man scratches his head. "Wait a minute," he says, "I'll go
7322 Back, after an animated conversation with the other occupants of the
7323 truck, he reassures the clerk, that, yes, in fact, two-by-fours would be
7325 "OK," says the clerk, writing it down, "how long you want 'em?"
7326 The guy gets the blank look again. "Uh... I guess I better go
7328 He goes back out to the truck, and there's another animated
7329 conversation. The guy comes back into the office. "A long time," he says,
7330 "we're building a house".
7332 A pig is a jolly companion,
7333 Boar, sow, barrow, or gilt --
7334 A pig is a pal, who'll boost your morale,
7335 Though mountains may topple and tilt.
7336 When they've blackballed, bamboozled, and burned you,
7337 When they've turned on you, Tory and Whig,
7338 Though you may be thrown over by Tabby and Rover,
7339 You'll never go wrong with a pig, a pig,
7340 You'll never go wrong with a pig!
7341 -- Thomas Pynchon, "Gravity's Rainbow"
7343 A pipe gives a wise man time to think
7344 and a fool something to stick in his mouth.
7346 A place for everything and everything in its place.
7347 -- Isabella Mary Beeton, "The Book of Household Management"
7349 [Quoted in "VMS Internals and Data Structures", V4.4, when
7350 referring to memory management system services.]
7352 A platitude is simply a truth repeated till people get tired of hearing it.
7355 A plethora of individuals with expertise in culinary techniques
7356 contaminate the potable concoction produced by steeping certain
7359 A plucked goose doesn't lay golden eggs.
7361 A poet who reads his verse in public may have other nasty habits.
7363 A Polish worker walks into a bank to deposit his paycheck. He has heard
7364 about Poland's economic problems, and he asks what would happen to his
7365 money if the bank collapsed. "All of our deposits are guaranteed by the
7366 finance ministry, sir," the teller replies.
7367 "But what if the finance ministry goes broke?" the worker asks.
7368 "Then the government will intercede to protect the working class,"
7370 "But what if the government goes broke?" the worker asks.
7371 "Our socialist comrades in the Soviet Union naturally will come
7372 to our assistance," the teller responds with growing irritation.
7373 "And if the Soviet Union goes broke?" the worker asks.
7374 "Idiot!" the teller snorts. "Isn't that worth losing one lousy
7376 -- Making the rounds in Warsaw, 1984
7378 A political man can have as his aim the realization of freedom,
7379 but he has no means to realize it other than through violence.
7382 A possum must be himself, and being himself he is honest.
7385 A pound of salt will not sweeten a single cup of tea.
7387 A "practical joker" deserves applause for his wit according to its quality.
7388 Bastinado is about right. For exceptional wit one might grant keelhauling.
7389 But staking him out on an anthill should be reserved for the very wittiest.
7392 A prediction is worth twenty explanations.
7395 A pretty foot is one of the greatest gifts of nature... please send me your
7396 last pair of shoes, already worn out in dancing... so I can have something
7397 of yours to press against my heart.
7400 A pretty woman can do anything; an ugly woman must do everything.
7402 A priest advised Voltaire on his death bed to renounce the devil.
7403 Replied Voltaire, "This is no time to make new enemies."
7405 A priest asked: What is Fate, Master?
7407 And the Master answered:
7408 It is that which gives a beast of burden its reason for existence.
7409 It is that which men in former times had to bear upon their backs.
7411 It is that which has caused nations to build byways from City
7412 to City upon which carts and coaches pass, and alongside which inns
7413 have come to be built to stave off Hunger, Thirst and Weariness.
7415 And that is Fate? said the priest.
7417 Fate... I thought you said Freight, responded the Master.
7419 That's all right, said the priest. I wanted to know
7420 what Freight was too.
7423 A prig is a fellow who is always making you a present of his opinions.
7426 A prisoner of war is a man who tries to kill you and fails, and then
7427 asks you not to kill him.
7428 -- Sir Winston Churchill, 1952
7430 A private sin is not so prejudicial in the world as a public indecency.
7431 -- Miguel de Cervantes
7433 A professor is one who talks in someone else's sleep.
7435 A programmer is a person who passes as an exacting expert on the basis of
7436 being able to turn out, after innumerable punching, an infinite series of
7437 incomprehensible answers calculated with micrometric precisions from vague
7438 assumptions based on debatable figures taken from inconclusive documents
7439 and carried out on instruments of problematical accuracy by persons of
7440 dubious reliability and questionable mentality for the avowed purpose of
7441 annoying and confounding a hopelessly defenseless department that was
7442 unfortunate enough to ask for the information in the first place.
7443 -- IEEE Grid newsmagazine
7445 A programming language is low level
7446 when its programs require attention to the irrelevant.
7448 A prohibitionist is the sort of man one wouldn't care to
7449 drink with -- even if he drank.
7452 A prominent broadcaster, on a big-game safari in Africa, was taken to a
7453 watering hole where the life of the jungle could be observed. As he
7454 looked down from his tree platform and described the scene into his
7455 tape recorder, he saw two gnus grazing peacefully. So preoccupied were
7456 they that they failed to observe the approach of a pride of lions led
7457 by two magnificent specimens, obviously the leaders. The lions charged,
7458 killed the gnus, and dragged them into the bushes where their feasting
7459 could not be seen. A little while later the two kings of the jungle
7460 emerged and the radioman recorded on his tape: "Well, that's the end of
7461 the gnus and here, once again, are the head lions."
7463 A promiscuous person is usually someone who is
7464 getting more sex than you are.
7467 A proper wife should be as obedient as a slave... The female is a female
7468 by virtue of a certain lack of qualities -- a natural defectiveness.
7471 A psychiatrist is a fellow who asks you a lot of expensive questions
7472 your wife asks you for nothing.
7475 A psychiatrist is a person who will give you expensive answers that
7476 your wife will give you for free.
7478 A putt that stops close enough to the cup to inspire such comments as
7479 "you could blow it in" may be blown in. This rule does not apply if
7480 the ball is more than three inches from the hole, because no one wants
7481 to make a travesty of the game.
7484 A rabbi and a priest are sitting together on a train, and the rabbi leans
7485 over and asks, "So, how high can you advance in your organization?"
7486 The priest replies, "Well, if I am lucky, I guess I could become a
7488 "Well, could you get any higher than that?"
7489 "I suppose that if my works are seen in a very good light that I
7490 might be made an Archbishop."
7491 "Is there any way that you might go higher than that?"
7492 "If all the Saints should smile, I guess I could be made a Cardinal."
7493 "Could you be anything higher than a Cardinal?"
7494 Hesitating a little bit, the priest said, "I suppose that I could
7495 be elected Pope, but only if it's God's will."
7496 "And could you be anything higher than that, is there any way to go
7497 up from being the Pope?"
7498 "What?! I should be the Messiah himself?!"
7499 The rabbi leaned back and smiled. "One of our boys made it."
7501 A raccoon tangled with a 23,000 volt line today. The results
7502 blacked out 1400 homes and, of course, one raccoon.
7505 A racially integrated community is a chronological term timed from the
7506 entrance of the first black family to the exit of the last white family.
7509 A real diplomat is one who can cut his neighbor's throat without having
7510 his neighbour notice it.
7513 A real estate agent, looking over a farmer's house for possible sale,
7514 commented to the farmer how sturdy the house looked.
7515 The farmer replied, "Yep, built it with my bare hands... did it
7516 the hard way. The steps to the front door, here, carved 'em out of
7517 field stones... did it the hard way. That hardwood floor in the living
7518 room, dovetailed the pieces myself... did it the hard way. The ceiling
7519 beams, made 'em out of my own oak trees... did it the hard way."
7520 Just then, the farmer's gorgeous daughter walked in. The farmer
7521 looks over at the real estate agent who is trying not to stare too
7522 obviously and smiles. "Yep... standing up in a canoe."
7524 A real friend isn't someone you use once and then throw away.
7525 A real friend is someone you can use over and over again.
7527 A real gentleman never takes bases unless he really has to.
7528 -- Overheard in an algebra lecture.
7530 A real patriot is the fellow who gets a parking
7531 ticket and rejoices that the system works.
7533 A recent study has found that concentrating on difficult off-screen
7534 objects, such as the faces of loved ones, causes eye strain in computer
7535 scientists. Researchers into the phenomenon cite the added concentration
7536 needed to "make sense" of such unnatural three dimensional objects.
7538 A rich man told me recently that a liberal is a man who tells other
7539 people what to do with their money.
7540 -- Imamu Amiri Baraka (Leroi Jones)
7542 A right is not what someone gives you; it's what no one can take from you.
7545 A robin redbreast in a cage
7546 Puts all Heaven in a rage.
7549 A rock pile ceases to be a rock pile the moment a single
7550 man contemplates it, bearing within him the image of a cathedral.
7551 -- Antoine de Saint-Exupery
7553 A rolling disk gathers no MOS.
7555 A rolling stone gathers momentum.
7557 A rolling stone gathers no moss.
7560 A Roman divorced from his wife, being highly blamed by his friends, who
7561 demanded, "Was she not chaste? Was she not fair? Was she not fruitful?"
7562 holding out his shoe, asked them whether it was not new and well made.
7563 Yet, added he, none of you can tell where it pinches me.
7566 A rope lying over the top of a fence is the same length on each side. It
7567 weighs one third of a pound per foot. On one end hangs a monkey holding a
7568 banana, and on the other end a weight equal to the weight of the monkey.
7569 The banana weighs two ounces per inch. The rope is as long (in feet) as
7570 the age of the monkey (in years), and the weight of the monkey (in ounces)
7571 is the same as the age of the monkey's mother. The combined age of the
7572 monkey and its mother is thirty years. One half of the weight of the monkey,
7573 plus the weight of the banana, is one forth as much as the weight of the
7574 weight and the weight of the rope. The monkey's mother is half as old as
7575 the monkey will be when it is three times as old as its mother was when she
7576 she was half as old as the monkey will be when when it is as old as its mother
7577 will be when she is four times as old as the monkey was when it was twice
7578 as its mother was when she was one third as old as the monkey was when it
7579 was old as is mother was when she was three times as old as the monkey was
7580 when it was one fourth as old as it is now. How long is the banana?
7582 A rose is a rose is a rose. Just ask Jean Marsh, known to millions of
7583 PBS viewers in the '70s as Rose, the maid on the BBC export "Upstairs,
7584 Downstairs." Though Marsh has since gone on to other projects, ... it's
7585 with Rose she's forever identified. So much so that she even likes to
7586 joke about having one named after her, a distinction not without its
7587 drawbacks. "I was very flattered when I heard about it, but when I looked
7588 up the official description, it said, `Jean Marsh: pale peach, not very
7589 good in beds; better up against a wall.' I want to tell you that's not
7590 true. I'm very good in beds as well."
7592 A sad spectacle. If they be inhabited, what a scope for misery and folly.
7593 If they be not inhabited, what a waste of space.
7594 -- Thomas Carlyle, looking at the stars
7596 A sadist is a masochist who follows the Golden Rule.
7598 A salamander scurries into flame to be destroyed.
7599 Imaginary creatures are trapped in birth on celluloid.
7600 -- Genesis, "The Lamb Lies Down on Broadway"
7602 I don't know what it's about. I'm just the drummer. Ask Peter.
7603 -- Phil Collins in 1975, when asked about the message behind
7604 the previous year's Genesis release, "The Lamb Lies Down
7607 A Scholar asked his Master, "Master, would you advise me of a proper
7609 The Master replied, "Some men can earn their keep with the power of
7610 their minds. Others must use their strong backs, legs and hands. This is
7611 the same in nature as it is with man. Some animals acquire their food easily,
7612 such as rabbits, hogs and goats. Other animals must fiercely struggle for
7613 their sustenance, like beavers, moles and ants. So you see, the nature of
7614 the vocation must fit the individual.
7615 "But I have no abilities, desires, or imagination, Master," the
7617 Queried the Master... "Have you thought of becoming a salesperson?"
7619 A scientific truth does not triumph by convincing its opponents and
7620 making them see the light, but rather because its opponents eventually
7621 die and a new generation grows up that is familiar with it.
7624 A sect or party is an elegant incognito devised to save a man from
7625 the vexation of thinking.
7626 -- Ralph Waldo Emerson, Journals, 1831
7628 A sense of desolation and uncertainty, of futility, of the baselessness
7629 of aspirations, of the vanity of endeavor, and a thirst for a life giving
7630 water which seems suddenly to have failed, are the signs in consciousness
7631 of this necessary reorganization of our lives.
7633 It is difficult to believe that this state of mind can be produced by the
7634 recognition of such facts as that unsupported stones always fall to the
7638 A sense of humor keen enough to show a man his own absurdities will keep
7639 him from the commission of all sins, or nearly all, save those that are
7643 A sequel is an admission that you've been reduced to imitating yourself.
7646 A Severe Strain on the Credulity
7647 As a method of sending a missile to the higher, and even to the
7648 highest parts of the earth's atmospheric envelope, Professor Goddard's rocket
7649 is a practicable and therefore promising device. It is when one considers the
7650 multiple-charge rocket as a traveler to the moon that one begins to doubt...
7651 for after the rocket quits our air and really starts on its journey, its
7652 flight would be neither accelerated nor maintained by the explosion of the
7653 charges it then might have left. Professor Goddard, with his "chair" in
7654 Clark College and countenancing of the Smithsonian Institution, does not
7655 know the relation of action to re-action, and of the need to have something
7656 better than a vacuum against which to react... Of course he only seems to
7657 lack the knowledge ladled out daily in high schools.
7658 -- New York Times Editorial, 1920
7660 A sharper perspective on this matter is particularly important to feminist
7661 thought today, because a major tendency in feminism has constructed the
7662 problem of domination as a drama of female vulnerability victimized by male
7663 aggression. Even the more sophisticated feminist thinkers frequently shy
7664 away from the analysis of submission, for fear that in admitting woman's
7665 participation in the relationship of domination, the onus of responsibility
7666 will appear to shift from men to women, and the moral victory from women to
7667 men. More generally, this has been a weakness of radical politics: to
7668 idealize the oppressed, as if their politics and culture were untouched by
7669 the system of domination, as if people did not participate in their own
7670 submission. To reduce domination to a simple relation of doer and done-to
7671 is to substitute moral outrage for analysis.
7672 -- Jessica Benjamin, "The Bonds of Love"
7674 A shortcut is the longest distance between two points.
7676 A sine curve goes off to infinity, or at least the end of the blackboard.
7679 A single death is a tragedy, a million deaths is a statistic.
7682 A single flow'r he sent me, since we met.
7683 All tenderly his messenger he chose;
7684 Deep-hearted, pure, with scented dew still wet--
7687 I knew the language of the floweret;
7688 "My fragile leaves," it said, "his heart enclose."
7689 Love long has taken for his amulet
7692 Why is it no one ever sent me yet
7693 One perfect limousine, do you suppose?
7694 Ah no, it's always just my luck to get
7696 -- Dorothy Parker, "One Perfect Rose"
7698 A sinking ship gathers no moss.
7701 A small town that cannot support one lawyer can always support two.
7703 A Smith & Wesson beats four aces.
7705 A snake lurks in the grass.
7706 -- Publius Vergilius Maro (Virgil)
7708 A social scientist, studying the culture and traditions of a small North
7709 African tribe, found a woman still practicing the ancient art of matchmaking.
7710 Locally, she was known as the Moor, the marrier.
7712 A society in which women are taught anything but the management of a family,
7713 the care of men, and the creation of the future generation is a society
7714 which is on its way out.
7717 A soft answer turneth away wrath; but grievous words stir up anger.
7720 A soft drink turneth away company.
7722 A solemn, unsmiling, sanctimonious old iceberg
7723 that looked like he was waiting for a vacancy in the Trinity.
7726 A song in time is worth a dime.
7728 A Southern boy graduates from high school heads north to college, taking the
7729 family dog, Old Blue with him, for company. He's only been there a few weeks
7730 when he gets a call from his girlfriend; seems like they've got a problem,
7731 and she needs a thousand dollars to take care of it. The boy calls his folks:
7732 "How are you?" they ask.
7733 "Oh, I'm fine," he says.
7734 "And how," they ask, "is Old Blue?"
7735 "Well, he's kind of depressed. You see, there's this lady up here
7736 that teaches dogs to talk, and Ol' Blue is feelin' kind of left out 'cause
7737 he's the only dog that doesn't know how to talk. She charges a thousand
7739 The parents send the boy the thousand dollars, he forwards it to Mary
7740 Lou, and everything's fine until Christmas vacation. The boy leaves Ol' Blue
7741 at his dorm, 'cause he just can't figure out what to tell his parents. Sure
7742 enough, when he gets home, the first thing his father wants to know is
7744 "Well, Pa," says the boy. "I was driving on home and Old Blue was
7745 talking away about this and that when we passed the Buford's farm. Old Blue,
7746 well, he said, `Say, what do you think your mother would do if I told her
7747 that your father's been comin' over here and seeing Mrs. Buford all these
7749 The father looks at his son -- "You shot that dog, didn't you, boy?"
7751 A squeegee by any other name wouldn't sound as funny.
7753 A statesman is a politician who's been dead 10 or 15 years.
7756 A statistician, who refused to fly after reading of the alarmingly high
7757 probability that there will be a bomb on any given plane, realized that
7758 the probability of there being two bombs on any given flight is very low.
7759 Now, whenever he flies, he carries a bomb with him.
7761 A stitch in time saves nine.
7763 "...A strange enigma is man!"
7764 "Someone calls him a soul concealed in an animal," I suggested.
7765 "Winwood Reade is good upon the subject," said Holmes. "He remarked
7766 that, while the individual man is an insoluble puzzle, in the aggregate he
7767 becomes a mathematical certainty. You can, for example, never foretell what
7768 any one man will do, but you can say with precision what an average number
7769 will be up to. Individuals vary, but percentages remain constant. So says
7771 -- Sherlock Holmes, "The Sign of Four"
7773 A straw vote only shows which way the hot air blows.
7775 A straw vote only shows which way the hot air blows.
7778 A student, in hopes of understanding the Lambda-nature, came to Greenblatt.
7779 As they spoke a Multics system hacker walked by. "Is it true", asked the
7780 student, "that PL-1 has many of the same data types as Lisp?" Almost before
7781 the student had finished his question, Greenblatt shouted, "FOO!", and hit
7782 the student with a stick.
7784 A student who changes the course of history is probably taking an exam.
7786 A stunning blonde, but probably all bean dip above the eyebrows.
7788 A successful tool is one that was used to do something
7789 undreamed of by its author.
7792 A synonym is a word you use when you can't spell the word you first
7796 A Tale of Two Cities LITE(tm)
7797 -- by Charles Dickens
7799 A lawyer who looks like a French Nobleman is executed in his place.
7801 The Metamorphosis LITE(tm)
7804 A man turns into a bug and his family gets annoyed.
7806 Lord of the Rings LITE(tm)
7807 -- by J.R.R. Tolkien
7809 Some guys take a long vacation to throw a ring into a volcano.
7812 -- by Wm. Shakespeare
7814 A college student on vacation with family problems, a screwy
7815 girl-friend and a mother who won't act her age.
7817 A Tale of Two Cities LITE(tm)
7818 -- by Charles Dickens
7820 A man in love with a girl who loves another man who looks just
7821 like him has his head chopped off in France because of a mean
7824 Crime and Punishment LITE(tm)
7825 -- by Fyodor Dostoyevsky
7827 A man sends a nasty letter to a pawnbroker, but later
7828 feels guilty and apologizes.
7830 The Odyssey LITE(tm)
7833 After working late, a valiant warrior gets lost on his way home.
7835 A tall, dark stranger will have more fun than you.
7837 A team effort is a lot of people doing what I say.
7838 -- Michael Winner, British film director
7840 A Texan, impressing the hell out of a Bostonian with tales about the heroes
7841 of the Alamo, commented, "I'll bet you never had anyone that brave around
7843 "Ever hear of Paul Revere?", snarled the Bostonian.
7844 "Paul Revere?", pondered the Texan. "Isn't he the guy who ran for
7847 A thing is not necessarily true because a man dies for it.
7848 -- Oscar Wilde, "The Portrait of Mr. W.H."
7850 A total abstainer is one who abstains from everything
7851 but abstention, and especially from inactivity in the affairs of others.
7854 A transistor protected by a fast-acting
7855 fuse will protect the fuse by blowing first.
7857 A traveling salesman was driving past a farm when he saw a pig with three
7858 wooden legs executing a magnificent series of backflips and cartwheels.
7859 Intrigued, he drove up to the farmhouse, where he found an old farmer
7860 sitting in the yard watching the pig.
7861 "That's quite a pig you have there, sir" said the salesman.
7862 "Sure is, son," the farmer replied. "Why, two years ago, my daughter
7863 was swimming in the lake and bumped her head and damned near drowned, but that
7864 pig swam out and dragged her back to shore."
7865 "Amazing!" the salesman exclaimed.
7866 "And that's not the only thing. Last fall I was cuttin' wood up on
7867 the north forty when a tree fell on me. Pinned me to the ground, it did.
7868 That pig run up and wiggled underneath that tree and lifted it off of me.
7870 "Fantastic! the salesman said. But tell me, how come the pig has
7872 The farmer stared at the newcomer in amazement. "Mister, when you
7873 got an amazin' pig like that, you don't eat him all at once."
7875 A true artist will let his wife starve, his children go barefoot, his mother
7876 drudge for his living at seventy, sooner than work at anything but his art.
7879 A truly wise man never plays leapfrog with a unicorn.
7881 A truly wise woman never plays leapfrog with a unicorn.
7883 A truth that's told with bad intent
7884 Beats all the lies you can invent.
7887 A university is what a college becomes
7888 when the faculty loses interest in students.
7891 A vacuum is a hell of a lot better
7892 than some of the stuff that nature replaces it with.
7893 -- Tennessee Williams
7895 A verbal contract isn't worth the paper it's written on.
7898 A violent man will die a violent death.
7901 A visit to a fresh place will bring strange work.
7903 A visit to a strange place will bring fresh work.
7905 A vivid and creative mind characterizes you.
7907 A waist is a terrible thing to mind.
7910 A watched clock never boils.
7912 A well adjusted person is one who makes
7913 the same mistake twice without getting nervous.
7915 A well-known friend is a treasure.
7917 A well-used door needs no oil on its hinges.
7918 A swift-flowing steam does no grow stagnant.
7919 Neither sound nor thoughts can travel through a vacuum.
7920 Software rots if not used.
7922 These are great mysteries.
7923 -- Geoffrey James, "The Tao of Programming"
7925 A widow is more sought after than an old maid of the same age.
7928 A wife lasts only for the length of the marriage, but an ex-wife is there
7929 *for the rest of your life*.
7932 A wise man can see more from a mountain top
7933 than a fool can from the bottom of a well.
7935 A wise man can see more from the bottom
7936 of a well than a fool can from a mountain top.
7938 A wise person makes his own decisions, a weak one obeys public opinion.
7941 A witty saying proves nothing.
7944 A wizard cannot do everything; a fact most magicians are reticent to admit,
7945 let alone discuss with prospective clients. Still, the fact remains that
7946 there are certain objects, and people, that are, for one reason or another,
7947 completely immune to any direct magical spell. It is for this group of
7948 beings that the magician learns the subtleties of using indirect spells.
7949 It also does no harm, in dealing with these matters, to carry a large club
7950 near your person at all times.
7951 -- The Teachings of Ebenezum, Volume VIII
7953 A woman can look both moral and exciting -- if she also looks as if it
7954 were quite a struggle.
7957 A woman can never be too rich or too thin.
7959 A woman did what a woman had to, the best way she knew how.
7960 To do more was impossible, to do less, unthinkable.
7961 -- Dirisha, "The Man Who Never Missed"
7963 A woman employs sincerity only when every other form of deception has failed.
7966 A woman, especially if she have the misfortune
7967 of knowing anything, should conceal it as well as she can.
7970 A woman forgives the audacity of which
7971 her beauty has prompted us to be guilty.
7974 A woman has got to love a bad man once or twice in her life to be
7975 thankful for a good one.
7976 -- Marjorie Kinnan Rawlings
7978 A woman is like your shadow; follow her, she flies; fly from her,
7982 A woman may very well form a friendship with a man, but for this to
7983 endure, it must be assisted by a little physical antipathy.
7986 A woman of generous character will sacrifice her life a thousand times
7987 over for her lover, but will break with him for ever over a question of
7988 pride -- for the opening or the shutting of a door.
7991 A woman physician has made the statement that smoking is neither
7992 physically defective nor morally degrading, and that nicotine, even
7993 when indulged to in excess, is less harmful than excessive petting."
7994 -- Purdue Exponent, Jan 16, 1925
7996 A woman shouldn't have to buy her own perfume.
7999 A woman went into a hospital one day to give birth. Afterwards, the doctor
8000 came to her and said, "I have some... odd news for you."
8001 "Is my baby all right?" the woman anxiously asked.
8002 "Yes, he is," the doctor replied, "but we don't know how. Your son
8003 (we assume) was born with no body. He only has a head."
8004 Well, the doctor was correct. The Head was alive and well, though no
8005 one knew how. The Head turned out to be fairly normal, ignoring his lack of
8006 a body, and lived for some time as typical a life as could be expected under
8008 One day, about twenty years after the fateful birth, the woman got a
8009 phone call from another doctor. The doctor said, "I have recently perfected
8010 an operation. Your son can live a normal life now: we can graft a body onto
8012 The woman, practically weeping with joy, thanked the doctor and hung
8013 up. She ran up the stairs saying, "Johnny, Johnny, I have a *wonderful*
8015 "Oh no," cried The Head, "not another HAT!"
8017 A woman without a man is like a fish without a bicycle.
8020 A woman without a man is like a fish without a bicycle.
8021 Therefore, a man without a woman is like a bicycle without a fish.
8023 A woman's best protection is a little money of her own.
8024 -- Clare Booth Luce, quoted in "The Wit of Women"
8026 A woman's place is in the house... and in the Senate.
8028 A word to the wise is enough.
8029 -- Miguel de Cervantes
8031 A would-be disciple came to Nasrudin's hut on the mountain-side. Knowing
8032 that every action of such an enlightened one is significant, the seeker
8033 watched the teacher closely. "Why do you blow on your hands?" "To warm
8034 myself in the cold." Later, Nasrudin poured bowls of hot soup for himself
8035 and the newcomer, and blew on his own. "Why are you doing that, Master?"
8036 "To cool the soup." Unable to trust a man who uses the same process
8037 to arrive at two different results -- hot and cold -- the disciple departed.
8039 A writer is congenitally unable to tell the truth and that is why we call
8040 what he writes fiction.
8043 A yawn is a silent shout.
8046 A year spent in Artificial Intelligence is enough to make one believe in God.
8048 A young girl once committed suicide because her mother refused her a new
8049 bonnet. Coroner's verdict: "Death from excessive spunk."
8050 -- Sacramento Daily Union, September 13, 1860
8052 A young man and his girlfriend were walking along Main Street when she spotted
8053 a beautiful diamond ring in a jewelry-store window. "Wow, I'd sure love to
8054 have that!" she gushed.
8055 "No problem," her companion replied, throwing a brick through the
8056 window and grabbing the ring.
8057 A few blocks later, the woman admired a full-length sable coat. "What
8058 I'd give to own that," she said, sighing.
8059 "No problem," he said, throwing a brick through the window and grabbing
8061 Finally, turning for home, they passed a car dealership. "Boy, I'd do
8062 anything for one of those Rolls-Royces," she said.
8063 "Jeez, baby," the guy moaned, "you think I'm made of bricks?"
8065 A young man enters the New York branch of Tiffany's on a Friday evening and
8066 walks up to a display case full of pearl necklaces. He turns to a gorgeous
8067 woman, who is obviously windowshopping, looks her straight in the eye and
8068 says, "I can tell by your eyes that you really want that necklace. If you'll
8069 allow me, I'd like to buy it for you."
8070 The woman looks him up and down; he's wearing a nice suit and some
8071 pretty nice jewelry, but she has trouble believing this story.
8072 "Look, this is some kind of put on, right?"
8073 "No, really. You see, I've got quite a lot of money -- so much that
8074 I could never spend it all. I'd really like for you to have it."
8075 The guys whips out his checkbook, writes a check for five figures,
8076 calls over a clerk and hands it to him. The clerk peers at the check, looks
8077 at the young man, looks at the check again. "Very good, sir. I'm afraid I
8078 can't release the necklace immediately, would Monday be all right?"
8079 "That'll be fine, she'll pick it up." the man replies, and walks out
8080 of the store with the woman following him in a daze.
8081 The next Monday the man comes back in and walks up to the counter.
8082 The same clerk hurries over to him and says, "Sir, I'm sorry to have to tell
8083 you this, but your check was returned for insufficient funds."
8084 "I know," the man replies. "I just wanted to thank you for a
8087 A young man wrote to Mozart and said:
8089 Q: "Herr Mozart, I am thinking of writing symphonies. Can you give me any
8090 suggestions as to how to get started?"
8091 A: "A symphony is a very complex musical form, perhaps you should begin with
8092 some simple lieder and work your way up to a symphony."
8093 Q: "But Herr Mozart, you were writing symphonies when you were 8 years old."
8094 A: "But I never asked anybody how."
8096 A.A.A.A.A.: An organization for drunks who drive.
8098 AA
\a\a\a\a\a\a\a\a\a\a\a\aAAAAAAAAAaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaccccccccckkkkkk!!!!!!!!!
8099 You brute! Knock before entering a ladies room!
8101 Abandon the search for Truth; settle for a good fantasy.
8103 Abbott's Admonitions:
8104 1: If you have to ask, you're not entitled to know.
8105 2: If you don't like the answer, you shouldn't have asked
8107 -- Charles Abbot, dean, University of Virginia
8109 Aberdeen was so small that when the family with the car went
8110 on vacation, the gas station and drive-in theatre had to close.
8112 Abou Ben Adhem (may his tribe increase!)
8113 Awoke one night from a deep dream of peace,
8114 And saw, within the moonlight in his room,
8115 Making it rich, and like a lily in bloom,
8116 An angel writing in a book of gold.
8117 Exceeding peace had made Ben Adhem bold,
8118 And to the presence in the room he said,
8119 "What writest thou?" The vision raised its head,
8120 And with a look made of all sweet accord,
8121 Answered, "The names of those who love the Lord."
8122 "And is mine one?" said Abou. "Nay not so,"
8123 Replied the angel. Abou spoke more low,
8124 But cheerly still; and said, "I pray thee then,
8125 Write me as one that loves his fellow-men."
8126 The angel wrote, and vanished. The next night
8127 It came again with a great wakening light,
8128 And showed the names whom love of God had blessed,
8129 And lo! Ben Adhem's name led all the rest.
8130 -- James Henry Leigh Hunt, "Abou Ben Adhem"
8132 About all some men accomplish in life is to send a son to Harvard.
8134 About the only thing on a farm that has an easy time is the dog.
8136 About the only thing we have left that actually
8137 discriminates in favor of the plain people is the stork.
8139 About the time we think we can make ends meet, somebody moves the ends.
8142 About the use of language: it is impossible to sharpen a pencil with a blunt
8143 ax. It is equally vain to try to do it with ten blunt axes instead.
8144 -- Edsger W. Dijkstra
8146 Above all else - sky.
8148 Above all things, reverence yourself.
8150 Abraham Lincoln didn't die in vain. He died in Washington, D.C.
8153 To be unexpectedly called away to the bedside
8154 of a dying relative and miss the return train.
8157 To be unexpectedly called away to the bedside of a dying relative
8158 and miss the return train.
8160 Absence diminishes mediocre passions and increases
8161 great ones, as the wind blows out candles and fans fires.
8164 Absence in love is like water upon fire;
8165 a little quickens, but much extinguishes it.
8168 Absence is to love what wind is to fire. It extinguishes the small,
8169 it enkindles the great.
8171 Absence makes the heart forget.
8173 Absence makes the heart go wander.
8175 Absence makes the heart grow fonder.
8178 Absence makes the heart grow fonder -- of somebody else.
8180 Absence makes the heart grow frantic.
8183 Exposed to the attacks of friends and
8184 acquaintances; defamed; slandered.
8187 A person with an income who has had the forethought
8188 to remove themselves from the sphere of exaction.
8190 Absinthe makes the tart grow fonder.
8192 Absolutum obsoletum. (If it works, it's out of date.)
8196 A weak person who yields to the
8197 temptation of denying himself a pleasure.
8200 This study examined the incidence of neckwear tightness among a group
8201 of 94 white-collar working men and the effect of a tight business-shirt collar
8202 and tie on the visual performance of 22 male subjects. Of the white-collar
8203 men measured, 67% were found to be wearing neckwear that was tighter than
8204 their neck circumference. The visual discrimination of the 22 subjects was
8205 evaluated using a critical flicker frequency (CFF) test. Results of the CFF
8206 test indicated that tight neckwear significantly decreased the visual
8207 performance of the subjects and that visual performance did not improve
8208 immediately when tight neckwear was removed.
8209 -- Langan, L.M. and Watkins, S.M. "Pressure of Menswear on the
8210 Neck in Relation to Visual Performance." Human Factors 29,
8211 #1 (Feb. 1987), pp. 67-71.
8214 A statement or belief manifestly
8215 inconsistent with one's own opinion.
8217 Academic politics is the most vicious and bitter form of politics,
8218 because the stakes are so low.
8221 Academicians care, that's who.
8224 A modern school where football is taught.
8226 An archaic school where football is not taught.
8228 Accent on helpful side of your nature. Drain the moat.
8230 Accept people for what they are -- completely unacceptable.
8233 An unsuccessful attempt to find bugs.
8235 Acceptance without proof is the fundamental characteristic of Western
8236 religion. Rejection without proof is the fundamental characteristic
8238 -- Gary Zukav, "The Dancing Wu Li Masters"
8240 Acceptance without proof is the fundamental characteristic of Western
8241 religion; rejection without proof is the fundamental characteristic of
8243 -- Gary Zukav, "The Dancing Wu Li Masters"
8246 A condition in which presence of mind is good,
8247 but absence of body is better.
8248 -- Foolish Dictionary
8251 Colonel Gray, of Petaluma, came near losing his life a few days ago,
8252 in a singular manner. A gentleman with whom he was hunting attempted to
8253 bring down a dove, but instead of doing so put the load of shot through the
8254 Colonel's hat. One shot took effect in his forehead.
8255 -- Sacramento Daily Union, April 20, 1861
8257 Accidents cause History.
8259 If Sigismund Unbuckle had taken a walk in 1426 and met Wat Tyler, the
8260 Peasant's Revolt would never have happened and the motor car would not
8261 have been invented until 2026, which would have meant that all the oil
8262 could have been used for lamps, thus saving the electric light bulb and
8263 the whale, and nobody would have caught Moby Dick or Billy Budd.
8264 -- Mike Harding, "The Armchair Anarchist's Almanac"
8266 According to a recent and unscientific national survey, smiling is something
8267 everyone should do at least 6 times a day. In an effort to increase the
8268 national average (the US ranks third among the world's superpowers in
8269 smiling), Xerox has instructed all personnel to be happy, effervescent, and
8270 most importantly, to smile. Xerox employees agree, and even feel strongly
8271 that they can not only meet but surpass the national average... except for
8272 Tubby Ackerman. But because Tubby does such a fine job of racing around
8273 parking lots with a large butterfly net retrieving floating IC chips, Xerox
8274 decided to give him a break. If you see Tubby in a parking lot he may have
8275 a sheepish grin. This is where the expression, "Service with a slightly
8276 sheepish grin" comes from.
8278 According to all the latest reports,
8279 there was no truth in any of the earlier reports.
8281 According to Arkansas law, Section 4761, Pope's Digest: "No person
8282 shall be permitted under any pretext whatever, to come nearer than
8283 fifty feet of any door or window of any polling room, from the opening
8284 of the polls until the completion of the count and the certification of
8287 According to convention there is a sweet and a bitter, a hot and a cold,
8288 and according to convention, there is an order. In truth, there are atoms
8290 -- Democritus, 400 B.C.
8292 According to my best recollection, I don't remember.
8293 -- Vincent "Jimmy Blue Eyes" Alo
8295 According to the latest official figures,
8296 43% of all statistics are totally worthless.
8298 According to the Rand McNally Places-Rated Almanac, the best place to live in
8299 America is the city of Pittsburgh. The city of New York came in twenty-fifth.
8300 Here in New York we really don't care too much. Because we know that we could
8301 beat up their city anytime.
8305 A bagpipe with pleats.
8308 The vice of being right.
8310 Acid -- better living through chemistry.
8312 Acid absorbs 47 times its own weight in excess Reality.
8315 A person whom we know well enough to borrow from but not well
8316 enough to lend to. A degree of friendship called slight when the
8317 object is poor or obscure, and intimate when he is rich or famous.
8320 Acting is an art which consists of keeping the audience from coughing.
8322 Acting is not very hard. The most important things are to be able to laugh
8323 and cry. If I have to cry, I think of my sex life. And if I have to laugh,
8324 well, I think of my sex life.
8329 Boris Karloff William Henry Pratt
8330 Cary Grant Archibald Leach
8331 Edward G. Robinson Emmanual Goldenburg
8332 Gene Wilder Gerald Silberman
8333 John Wayne Marion Morrison
8334 Kirk Douglas Issur Danielovitch
8335 Richard Burton Richard Jenkins Jr.
8336 Roy Rogers Leonard Slye
8337 Woody Allen Allen Stewart Konigsberg
8339 Actor: So what do you do for a living?
8340 Doris: I work for a company that makes deceptively shallow serving
8341 dishes for Chinese restaurants.
8342 -- Woody Allen, "Without Feathers"
8344 Actresses will happen in the best regulated families.
8345 -- Addison Mizner and Oliver Herford, "The Entirely
8346 New Cynic's Calendar", 1905
8348 Actually, my goal is to have a sandwich named after me.
8350 Actually, the probability is 100% that the elevator
8351 will be going in the right direction. Proof by induction:
8353 N=1. Trivially true, since both you and the elevator
8354 only have one floor to go to.
8356 Assume true for N, prove for N+1:
8357 If you are on any of the first N floors, then it is true by the
8358 induction hypothesis. If you are on the N+1st floor, then both you
8359 and the elevator have only one choice, namely down. Therefore,
8360 it is true for all N+1 floors.
8363 Ad astra per aspera. (To the stars by aspiration.)
8366 Something you need only know the name of to be an Expert in
8367 Computing. Useful in sentences like, "We had better develop
8369 -- "Datamation", January 15, 1984
8372 Something you need to know the name of to be an Expert in Computing.
8373 Useful in sentences like, "We had better develop an ADA awareness."
8376 Something you need only know the name of to be an Expert in
8377 Computing. Useful in sentences like, "We had better develop an ADA
8380 Adde parvum parvo manus acervus erit.
8381 [Add little to little and there will be a big pile.]
8384 Adding features does not necessarily increase
8385 functionality -- it just makes the manuals thicker.
8387 Adding manpower to a late software project makes it later.
8388 -- F. Brooks, "The Mythical Man-Month"
8390 Whenever one person is found adequate to the discharge of a duty by
8391 close application thereto, it is worse execute by two persons and
8392 scarcely done at all if three or more are employed therein.
8393 -- George Washington, 1732-1799
8395 Adding sound to movies would be like
8396 putting lipstick on the Venus de Milo.
8397 -- actress Mary Pickford, 1925
8399 Adhere to your own act, and congratulate yourself if you have done
8400 something strange and extravagant, and broken the monotony of a
8402 -- Ralph Waldo Emerson
8404 Adler's Distinction:
8405 Language is all that separates us from the lower animals,
8406 and from the bureaucrats.
8409 Our polite recognition of another's resemblance to ourselves.
8412 The stage between puberty and adultery.
8415 To venerate expectantly.
8418 One old enough to know better.
8422 Advancement in position.
8424 Advertisements contain the only
8425 truths to be relied on in a newspaper.
8428 Advertising is the rattling of a stick inside a swill bucket.
8431 Advertising may be described as the science of arresting the human
8432 intelligence long enough to get money from it.
8435 In writing a patent-medicine advertisement, first convince the
8436 reader that he has the disease he is reading about; secondly,
8439 Advice from an old carpenter: measure twice, saw once.
8441 Advice is a dangerous gift; be cautious about giving and receiving it.
8443 African violet: Such worth is rare
8444 Apple blossom: Preference
8445 Bachelor's button: Celibacy
8446 Bay leaf: I change but in death
8447 Camelia: Reflected loveliness
8448 Chrysanthemum, red: I love
8449 Chrysanthemum, white: Truth
8450 Chrysanthemum, other: Slighted love
8454 Forget-me-not: True love
8456 Gardenia: Secret, untold love
8457 Honeysuckle: Bonds of love
8458 Ivy: Friendship, fidelity, marriage
8459 Jasmine: Amiability, transports of joy, sensuality
8460 Leaves (dead): Melancholy
8461 Lilac: Youthful innocence
8462 Lilly: Purity, sweetness
8463 Lilly of the valley: Return of happiness
8464 Magnolia: Dignity, perseverance
8465 * An upside-down blossom reverses the meaning.
8467 After 35 years, I have finished a comprehensive study of European
8468 comparative law. In Germany, under the law, everything is prohibited,
8469 except that which is permitted. In France, under the law, everything
8470 is permitted, except that which is prohibited. In the Soviet Union,
8471 under the law, everything is prohibited, including that which is
8472 permitted. And in Italy, under the law, everything is permitted,
8473 especially that which is prohibited.
8475 Speech to the Association of American Law Schools, 1985
8477 After a few boring years, socially meaningful rock 'n' roll died out.
8478 It was replaced by disco, which offers no guidance to any form of life
8479 more advanced than the lichen family.
8482 After a number of decimal places, nobody gives a damn.
8484 After a while you learn the subtle difference
8485 Between holding a hand and chaining a soul,
8486 And you learn that love doesn't mean security,
8487 And you begin to learn that kisses aren't contracts
8488 And presents aren't promises
8489 And you begin to accept your defeats
8490 With your head up and your eyes open,
8491 With the grace of a woman, not the grief of a child,
8492 And you learn to build all your roads
8493 On today because tomorrow's ground
8494 Is too uncertain. And futures have
8495 A way of falling down in midflight,
8496 After a while you learn that even sunshine burns if you get too much.
8497 So you plant your own garden and decorate your own soul, instead of waiting
8498 For someone to bring you flowers.
8499 And you learn that you really can endure...
8500 That you really are strong,
8501 And you really do have worth
8502 And you learn and learn
8503 With every goodbye you learn.
8504 -- Veronic Shoffstall, "Comes the Dawn"
8506 After all, all he did was string together
8507 a lot of old, well-known quotations.
8508 -- H.L. Mencken, on Shakespeare
8510 After all is said and done, a hell of a lot more is said than done.
8512 After all, it is only the mediocre who are always at their best.
8515 After all my erstwhile dear,
8516 My no longer cherished,
8517 Need we say it was not love,
8518 Just because it perished?
8519 -- Edna St. Vincent Millay
8521 After all, what is your hosts' purpose in having a party? Surely not for
8522 you to enjoy yourself; if that were their sole purpose, they'd have simply
8523 sent champagne and women over to your place by taxi.
8526 After an instrument has been assembled,
8527 extra components will be found on the bench.
8529 After any salary raise, you will have less money at the end of the
8530 month than you did before.
8532 After [Benjamin] Franklin came a herd of Electrical Pioneers whose names
8533 have become part of our electrical terminology: Myron Volt, Mary Louise Amp,
8534 James Watt, Bob Transformer, etc. These pioneers conducted many important
8535 electrical experiments. For example, in 1780 Luigi Galvani discovered (this
8536 is the truth) that when he attached two different kinds of metal to the leg
8537 of a frog, an electrical current developed and the frog's leg kicked, even
8538 though it was no longer attached to the frog, which was dead anyway.
8539 Galvani's discovery led to enormous advances in the field of amphibian
8540 medicine. Today, skilled veterinary surgeons can take a frog that has been
8541 seriously injured or killed, implant pieces of metal in its muscles, and
8542 watch it hop back into the pond just like a normal frog, except for the fact
8543 that it sinks like a stone.
8544 -- Dave Barry, "What is Electricity?"
8546 After his Ignoble Disgrace, Satan was being expelled from
8547 Heaven. As he passed through the Gates, he paused a moment in thought,
8548 and turned to God and said, "A new creature called Man, I hear, is soon
8550 "This is true," He replied.
8551 "He will need laws," said the Demon slyly.
8552 "What! You, his appointed Enemy for all Time! You ask for the
8553 right to make his laws?"
8554 "Oh, no!" Satan replied, "I ask only that he be allowed to make
8558 After his legs had been broken in an accident, Mr. Miller sued for damages,
8559 claiming that he was crippled and would have to spend the rest of his life
8560 in a wheelchair. Although the insurance-company doctor testified that his
8561 bones had healed properly and that he was fully capable of walking, the
8562 judge decided for the plaintiff and awarded him $500,000.
8563 When he was wheeled into the insurance office to collect his check,
8564 Miller was confronted by several executives. "You're not getting away with
8565 this, Miller," one said. "We're going to watch you day and night. If you
8566 take a single step, you'll not only repay the damages but stand trial for
8567 perjury. Here's the money. What do you intend to do with it?"
8568 "My wife and I are going to travel," Miller replied. "We'll go to
8569 Stockholm, Berlin, Rome, Athens and, finally, to a place called Lourdes --
8570 where, gentlemen, you'll see yourselves one hell of a miracle."
8572 After living in New York, you trust nobody,
8573 but you believe everything. Just in case.
8575 ...[after the announcement of Vanguard] ... Secretary of Defense Charles
8576 Wilson (the same "Engine Charlie" who once told the Senate, "[F]or years
8577 I've thought that what was good for our country was good for General Motors,
8578 and vice versa," probably an accurate analysis) was asked whether the
8579 Russians might beat the Americans into orbit. "I wouldn't care if they
8580 did," he responded. (It was later claimed that Wilson favored the
8581 development of the automatic transmission so that he could drive with
8582 one foot in his mouth.)
8583 -- Smithsonian's Air&Space Magazine, "The Day the Rocket Died"
8585 After the game the king and the pawn go in the same box.
8588 After the ground war began, captured Iraqi soldiers said any of them caught
8589 by superiors wearing a white T-shirt would be executed because of the ease
8590 with which the shirts could be used as surrender flags. Some Iraqi soldiers
8591 carried bleach with them to make their dark shirts white.
8592 -- Chuck Shepherd, Funny Times, May 1991
8594 After the last of 16 mounting screws has been removed from an access
8595 cover, it will be discovered that the wrong access cover has been removed.
8597 After this was written there appeared a remarkable posthumous memoir that
8598 throws some doubt on Millikan's leading role in these experiments. Harvey
8599 Fletcher (1884-1981), who was a graduate student at the University of Chicago,
8600 at Millikan's suggestion worked on the measurement of electronic charge for
8601 his doctoral thesis, and co-authored some of the early papers on this subject
8602 with Millikan. Fletcher left a manuscript with a friend with instructions
8603 that it be published after his death; the manuscript was published in
8604 Physics Today, June 1982, page 43. In it, Fletcher claims that he was the
8605 first to do the experiment with oil drops, was the first to measure charges on
8606 single droplets, and may have been the first to suggest the use of oil.
8607 According to Fletcher, he had expected to be co-authored with Millikan on
8608 the crucial first article announcing the measurement of the electronic
8609 charge, but was talked out of this by Millikan.
8610 -- Steven Weinberg, "The Discovery of Subatomic Particles"
8612 Robert Millikan is generally credited with making the first really
8613 precise measurement of the charge on an electron and was awarded the
8614 Nobel Prize in 1923.
8616 After two or three weeks of this madness, you begin to feel As One with
8617 the man who said, "No news is good news." In twenty-eight papers, only
8618 the rarest kind of luck will turn up more than two or three articles of
8619 any interest... but even then the interest items are usually buried
8620 deep around paragraph 16 on the jump (or "Cont. on ...") page...
8622 The Post will have a story about Muskie making a speech in Iowa. The
8623 Star will say the same thing, and the Journal will say nothing at all.
8624 But the Times might have enough room on the jump page to include a line
8625 or so that says something like: "When he finished his speech, Muskie
8626 burst into tears and seized his campaign manager by the side of the
8627 neck. They grappled briefly, but the struggle was kicked apart by an
8628 oriental woman who seemed to be in control."
8630 Now that's good journalism. Totally objective; very active and
8631 straight to the point.
8632 -- Hunter S. Thompson, "Fear and Loathing '72"
8634 After years of research, scientists recently reported that there is,
8635 indeed, arroz in Spanish Harlem.
8637 After your lover has gone you will still have PEANUT BUTTER!
8640 That part of the day we spend worrying
8641 about how we wasted the morning.
8643 Afternoon very favorable for romance. Try a single person for a change.
8645 Against Idleness and Mischief
8647 How doth the little busy bee How skillfully she builds her cell!
8648 Improve each shining hour, How neat she spreads the wax!
8649 And gather honey all the day And labours hard to store it well
8650 From every opening flower! With the sweet food she makes.
8652 In works of labour or of skill In books, or work, or healthful play,
8653 I would be busy too; Let my first years be passed,
8654 For Satan finds some mischief still That I may give for every day
8655 For idle hands to do. Some good account at last.
8656 -- Isaac Watts, 1674-1748
8658 Against stupidity the very gods Themselves contend in vain.
8659 -- Friedrich von Schiller, "The Maid of Orleans", III, 6
8661 Age and treachery will always overcome youth and skill.
8663 Age is a tyrant who forbids,
8664 at the penalty of life, all the pleasures of youth.
8667 Almost everything in life is easier to get into than out of.
8669 Agree with them now, it will save so much time.
8671 Ah, but a man's grasp should exceed his reach,
8672 Or what's a heaven for ?
8673 -- Robert Browning, "Andrea del Sarto"
8675 Ah, my friends, from the prison, they ask unto me,
8676 "How good, how good does it feel to be free?"
8677 And I answer them most mysteriously:
8678 "Are birds free from the chains of the sky-way?"
8681 Ah, sweet Springtime, when a young man lightly turns his fancy over!
8683 Ah, the Tsar's bazaar's bizarre beaux-arts!
8685 Ahead warp factor one, Mr. Sulu.
8687 Ahhhhhh... the smell of cuprinol and mahogany. It
8688 excites me to... acts of passion... acts of... ineptitude.
8690 Aide to Raygun: Sir, the poor are outside protesting your budget cuts.
8691 Raygun himself: Tell them they'll have to help themselves.
8692 Aide to Raygun: Sir, the Pentagon wants another $30 billion.
8693 Raygun himself: Tell them to help themselves.
8695 Aim for the moon. If you miss, you may hit a star.
8698 Ain't no right way to do a wrong thing.
8699 -- The Mad Dogtender
8701 Ain't nothin' an old man can do for me but
8702 bring me a message from a young man.
8705 "Ain't that something what happened today. One of us got traded to
8707 -- Casey Stengel, informing outfielder Bob Cerv he'd
8711 A nutritious substance supplied by
8712 a bountiful Providence for the fattening of the poor.
8715 Air Force Inertia Axiom:
8716 Consistency is always easier to defend than correctness.
8718 Air is water with holes in it.
8720 Air pollution is really making us pay through the nose.
8722 Airplanes are interesting toys but of no military value.
8723 -- Marechal Ferdinand Foch, Professor of Strategy,
8724 Ecole Superieure de Guerre
8726 Al didn't smile for forty years. You've got to admire a man like that.
8727 -- from "Mary Hartman, Mary Hartman"
8729 Alan Turing thought about criteria to settle the question of whether
8730 machines can think, a question of which we now know that it is about
8731 as relevant as the question of whether submarines can swim.
8732 -- Edsger W. Dijkstra
8734 Alas, how love can trifle with itself!
8735 -- William Shakespeare, "The Two Gentlemen of Verona"
8737 Alas, I am dying beyond my means.
8738 -- Oscar Wilde [as he sipped champagne on his deathbed]
8743 Albert Camus wrote that the only serious question is whether to kill yourself
8744 or not. Tom Robbins wrote that the only serious question is whether time has
8745 a beginning and an end. Camus clearly got up on the wrong side of bed, and
8746 Robbins must have forgotten to set the alarm.
8750 Social innovations tend to the level
8751 of minimum tolerable well-being.
8753 Alcohol, hashish, prussic acid, strychnine are weak dilutions.
8754 The surest poison is time.
8755 -- Emerson, "Society and Solitude"
8757 Alcohol is the anesthesia by which we endure the operation of life.
8758 -- George Bernard Shaw
8761 1: Giving away baby clothes and furniture is the major cause
8763 2: Always be backlit.
8764 3: Sit down whenever possible.
8766 Aleph-null bottles of beer on the wall,
8767 Aleph-null bottles of beer,
8768 You take one down, and pass it around,
8769 Aleph-null bottles of beer on the wall.
8771 Alex Haley was adopted!
8773 Alexander Graham Bell is alive and well
8774 in New York, and still waiting for a dial tone.
8776 Alexander Hamilton started the U.S. Treasury with nothing - and that was
8777 the closest our country has ever been to being even.
8778 -- The Best of Will Rogers
8780 Algebraic symbols are used when you do not know what you are talking about.
8781 -- Philippe Schnoebelen
8783 Algebraic symbols are used when you don't know what you're talking about.
8785 Algol-60 surely must be regarded as the most
8786 important programming language yet developed.
8790 Trendy dance for hip programmers.
8792 Alimony and bribes will engage a large share of your wealth.
8794 Alimony is a system by which, when two people
8795 make a mistake, one of them continues to pay for it.
8798 Alimony is like buying oats for a dead horse.
8801 Alimony is the curse of the writing classes.
8804 Alimony is the high cost of leaving.
8806 Aliquid melius quam pessimum optimum non est.
8808 Alive without breath,
8810 Never thirsty, ever drinking,
8811 All in mail ever clinking.
8813 All a man needs out of life is a place to sit 'n' spit in the fire.
8815 All art is but imitation of nature.
8816 -- Lucius Annaeus Seneca
8818 All articles that coruscate with resplendence are not truly auriferous.
8820 All bad precedents began as justifiable measures.
8821 -- Gaius Julius Caesar, quoted in "The Conspiracy of
8822 Catiline", by Sallust
8824 All constants are variables.
8826 All diplomacy is a continuation of war by other means.
8831 Smoke a friend today.
8833 All generalizations are false, including this one.
8836 All God's children are not beautiful. Most of God's children are, in fact,
8838 -- Fran Lebowitz, "Metropolitan Life"
8840 All Gods were immortal.
8841 -- Stanislaw J. Lem, "Unkempt Thoughts"
8843 All great discoveries are made by mistake.
8846 All great ideas are controversial, or have been at one time.
8848 All heiresses are beautiful.
8851 All his life he has looked away... to the horizon, to the sky,
8852 to the future. Never his mind on where he was, on what he was doing.
8855 All hope abandon, ye who enter here!
8858 All I ask is a chance to prove that money can't make me happy.
8860 All I kin say is when you finds yo'self wanderin' in a peach orchard,
8861 ya don't go lookin' for rutabagas.
8864 All I know is what the words know, and dead things, and that
8865 makes a handsome little sum, with a beginning and a middle and
8866 an end, as in the well-built phrase and the long sonata of the dead.
8869 All I need to have a good time,
8870 Is a reefer, a woman and a bottle of wine.
8871 With those three things I don't need no sunshine,
8872 A reefer, a woman and a bottle of wine.
8874 All I want is to never grow old,
8875 I want to wash in a bathtub of gold.
8876 I want 97 kilos already rolled,
8877 I want to wash in a bathtub of gold.
8879 I want to light my cigars with 10 dollar bills,
8880 I like to have a cattle ranch in Beverly Hills.
8881 I want a bottle of Red Eye that's always filled,
8882 I like to have a cattle ranch in Beverly Hills.
8883 -- Country Joe and the Fish, "Zachariah"
8885 All I want is a warm bed and a kind word and unlimited power.
8886 -- Ashleigh Brilliant
8888 All intelligent species own cats.
8890 All is fear in love and war.
8892 All is well that ends well.
8895 All I've got left on the list of desirable vocations is heiress to the
8896 throne of any country in Western Europe and Laurie Anderson. "Be
8897 practical", was the choral reply from the dinner table. Well, Laurie
8898 Anderson is already Laurie Anderson, but I read an article in Harpers
8899 that said there were eleven countries, in the world this is I think,
8900 that have queens as sovereign rulers. That's probably my best shot.
8902 All kings is mostly rapscallions.
8905 All laws are simulations of reality.
8908 All life evolves by the differential survival of replicating entities.
8911 All men have the right to wait in line.
8913 All men know the utility of useful things;
8914 but they do not know the utility of futility.
8917 All men profess honesty as long as they can.
8918 To believe all men honest would be folly.
8919 To believe none so is something worse.
8920 -- John Quincy Adams
8922 All most men really want in life is a wife, a house, two kids and a car,
8923 a cat, no maybe a dog. Ummm, scratch one of the kids and add a dog.
8926 All most people ask of life is a constant
8927 and exaggerated sense of their own importance.
8929 All most people want is a little more than they'll ever get.
8931 All my friends and I are crazy.
8932 That's the only thing that keeps us sane.
8934 All my friends are getting married,
8935 Yes, they're all growing old,
8936 They're all staying home on the weekend,
8937 They're all doing what they're told.
8939 All my life I wanted to be someone; I guess I should have been more specific.
8943 Parts not interchangeable with previous model.
8945 All newspaper editorial writers ever do is come down from
8946 the hills after the battle is over and shoot the wounded.
8948 All of the animals except man know that
8949 the principal business of life is to enjoy it.
8951 All of the people in my building are insane. The guy above me designs
8952 synthetic hairballs for ceramic cats. The lady across the hall tried to
8953 rob a department store... with a pricing gun... She said, "Give me all
8954 of the money in the vault, or I'm marking down everything in the store."
8957 All of us should treasure his Oriental wisdom and his preaching of a
8958 Zen-like detachment, as exemplified by his constant reminder to clerks,
8959 tellers, or others who grew excited by his presence in their banks:
8960 "Just lie down on the floor and keep calm."
8961 -- Robert Wilson, "John Dillinger Died for You"
8963 All parts should go together without forcing. You must remember that the
8964 parts you are reassembling were disassembled by you. Therefore, if you
8965 can't get them together again, there must be a reason. By all means, do
8967 -- IBM maintenance manual, 1925
8969 All people are born alike -- except Republicans and Democrats.
8972 All phone calls are obscene.
8973 -- Karen Elizabeth Gordon
8975 All possibility of understanding is rooted in the ability to say no.
8978 All programmers are optimists. Perhaps this modern sorcery especially attracts
8979 those who believe in happy endings and fairy godmothers. Perhaps the hundreds
8980 of nitty frustrations drive away all but those who habitually focus on the end
8981 goal. Perhaps it is merely that computers are young, programmers are younger,
8982 and the young are always optimists. But however the selection process works,
8983 the result is indisputable: "This time it will surely run," or "I just found
8985 -- Frederick Brooks, "The Mythical Man Month"
8987 All programmers are playwrights and all computers are lousy actors.
8989 All progress is based upon a universal innate desire of every organism
8990 to live beyond its income.
8991 -- Samuel Butler, "Notebooks"
8993 All science is either physics or stamp collecting.
8994 -- Ernest Rutherford
8996 All seems condemned in the long run
8997 to approximate a state akin to Gaussian noise.
9000 All snakes who wish to remain in Ireland will please raise their right hands.
9003 All syllogisms have three parts, therefore this is not a syllogism.
9005 All that glitters has a high refractive index.
9007 All that glitters is not gold; all that wander are not lost.
9009 All that is gold does not glitter,
9010 Not all those who wander are lost;
9011 The old that is strong does not wither,
9012 Deep roots are not reached by the frost.
9013 From the ashes a fire shall be woken,
9014 A light from the shadows shall spring;
9015 Renewed shall be blade that was broken,
9016 The crownless again shall be king.
9019 All the big corporations depreciate their possessions, and you can, too,
9020 provided you use them for business purposes. For example, if you subscribe
9021 to the Wall Street Journal, a business-related newspaper, you can deduct
9022 the cost of your house, because, in the words of U.S. Supreme Court Chief
9023 Justice Warren Burger in a landmark 1979 tax decision: "Where else are you
9024 going to read the paper? Outside? What if it rains?"
9027 All the evidence concerning the universe
9028 has not yet been collected, so there's still hope.
9030 All the lines have been written There's been Sandburg,
9031 It's sad but it's true Keats, Poe and McKuen
9032 With all the words gone, They all had their day
9033 What's a young poet to do? And knew what they're doin'
9035 But of all the words written The bird is a strange one,
9036 And all the lines read, So small and so tender
9037 There's one I like most, Its breed still unknown,
9038 And by a bird it was said! Not to mention its gender.
9040 It reminds me of days of So what is this line
9041 Both gloom and of light. Whose author's unknown
9042 It still lifts my spirits And still makes me giggle
9043 And starts the day right. Even now that I'm grown?
9045 I've read all the greats
9046 Both starving and fat,
9047 But none was as great as
9048 "I tot I taw a puddy tat."
9049 -- Etta Stallings, "An Ode To Childhood"
9051 All the men on my staff can type.
9054 ...all the modern inconveniences...
9057 All the really good ideas I ever had came to me while I was milking a cow.
9060 All the simple programs have been written.
9062 All the troubles you have will pass away very quickly.
9064 All the world's a stage and most of us are desperately un-rehearsed.
9067 All the world's a VAX,
9068 And all the coders merely butchers;
9069 They have their exits and their entrails;
9070 And one int in his time plays many widths,
9071 His sizeof being N bytes. At first the infant,
9072 Mewling and puking in the Regent's arms.
9073 And then the whining schoolboy, with his Sun,
9074 And shining morning face, creeping like slug
9075 Unwillingly to school.
9076 -- A Very Annoyed PDP-11
9078 All things are possible, except for skiing through a revolving door.
9080 All things being equal, you are bound to lose.
9082 All things that are, are with more spirit chased than enjoyed.
9083 -- Shakespeare, "Merchant of Venice"
9085 All this wheeling and dealing around, why, it isn't for money,
9086 it's for fun. Money's just the way we keep score.
9089 All true wisdom is found on T-shirts.
9091 All warranty and guarantee clauses
9092 become null and void upon payment of invoice.
9094 All we know is the phenomenon: we spend our time sending messages to each
9095 other, talking and trying to listen at the same time, exchanging information.
9096 This seems to be our most urgent biological function; it is what we do with
9098 -- Lewis Thomas, "The Lives of a Cell"
9100 All who joy would win Must share it --
9101 Happiness was born a twin.
9104 All your files have been destroyed (sorry). Paul.
9107 When all else fails, read the instructions.
9110 In international politics, the union of two thieves who
9111 have their hands so deeply inserted in each other's pocket
9112 that they cannot safely plunder a third.
9115 All's well that ends.
9117 Almost anything derogatory you could say
9118 about today's software design would be accurate.
9124 Also, the Scots are said to have invented golf. Then they had
9125 to invent Scotch whiskey to take away the pain and frustration.
9127 alta, v: To change; make or become different; modify.
9128 ansa, v: A spoken or written reply, as to a question.
9129 baa, n: A place people meet to have a few drinks.
9130 Baaston, n: The capital of Massachusetts.
9131 baaba, n: One whose business is to cut or trim hair or beards.
9132 beea, n: An alcoholic beverage brewed from malt and hops, often
9134 caaa, n: An automobile.
9135 centa, n: A point around which something revolves; axis. (Or
9136 someone involved with the Knicks.)
9137 chouda, n: A thick seafood soup, often in a milk base.
9138 dada, n: Information, esp. information organized for analysis or
9140 -- Massachewsetts Unabridged Dictionary
9142 Although it is still a truism in industry that "no one was ever fired for
9143 buying IBM," Bill O'Neil, the chief technology officer at Drexel Burnham
9144 Lambert, says he knows for a fact that someone has been fired for just that
9145 reason. He knows it because he fired the guy.
9146 "He made a bad decision, and what it came down to was, 'Well, I
9147 bought it because I figured it was safe to buy IBM,'" Mr. O'Neil says.
9148 "I said, 'No. Wrong. Game over. Next contestant, please.'"
9149 -- The Wall Street Journal, December 6, 1989
9151 Although written many years ago, Lady Chatterley's Lover has just been
9152 reissued by the Grove Press, and this pictorial account of the day-to-day
9153 life of an English gamekeeper is full of considerable interest to outdoor
9154 minded readers, as it contains many passages on pheasant-raising, the
9155 apprehending of poachers, ways to control vermin, and other chores and duties
9156 of the professional gamekeeper. Unfortunately, one is obliged to wade
9157 through many pages of extraneous material in order to discover and savour
9158 those sidelights on the management of a midland shooting estate, and in this
9159 reviewer's opinion the book cannot take the place of J.R. Miller's "Practical
9161 -- Ed Zern, "Field and Stream", Nov., 1959
9163 Always borrow money from a pessimist; he doesn't expect to be paid back.
9165 Always do right. This will gratify some people and astonish the rest.
9168 Always draw your curves, then plot your reading.
9170 Always leave room to add an explanation if it doesn't work out.
9172 Always run from a knife and rush a gun.
9175 Always store beer in a dark place.
9177 Always the dullness of the fool is the whetstone of the wits.
9178 -- William Shakespeare, "As You Like It"
9180 Always there remain portions of our heart
9181 into which no one is able to enter, invite them as we may.
9183 Always think of something new; this
9184 helps you forget your last rotten idea.
9188 If all the salmon caught in Canada in one year were laid end to
9189 end across the Sahara Desert, the smell would be absolutely awful.
9192 There is so much sand in Northern Africa that if it
9193 were spread out it would completely cover the Sahara Desert.
9196 Able to pick with equal skill a right-hand pocket or a left.
9199 Telling the truth when you don't mean to.
9201 Ambition is a poor excuse for not having sense enough to be lazy.
9205 An overmastering desire to be vilified by enemies while
9206 living and made ridiculous by friends when dead.
9209 America: born free and taxed to death.
9211 America has been discovered before, but it has always been hushed up.
9214 America, how can I write a holy litany in your silly mood?
9217 America is a melting pot. You know, where those on the bottom get burned,
9218 and the scum rises to the top.
9221 America is a stronger nation for the ACLU's uncompromising effort.
9222 -- President John F. Kennedy
9224 The simple rights, the civil liberties from generations of struggle must not
9225 be just fine words for patriotic holidays, words we subvert on weekdays, but
9226 living, honored rules of conduct amongst us...I'm glad the American Civil
9227 Liberties Union gets indignant, and I hope this will always be so.
9228 -- Senator Adlai E. Stevenson
9230 The ACLU has stood foursquare against the recurring tides of hysteria that
9231 from time to time threaten freedoms everywhere... Indeed, it is difficult
9232 to appreciate how far our freedoms might have eroded had it not been for the
9233 Union's valiant representation in the courts of the constitutional rights
9234 of people of all persuasions, no matter how unpopular or even despised
9235 by the majority they were at the time.
9236 -- former Supreme Court Chief Justice Earl Warren
9238 America is the country where you buy a lifetime
9239 supply of aspirin for one dollar, and use it up in two weeks.
9241 America may be unique in being a country which has leapt
9242 from barbarism to decadence without touching civilization.
9245 America was discovered by Amerigo Vespucci and was named after him, until
9246 people got tired of living in a place called "Vespuccia" and changed its
9248 -- Mike Harding, "The Armchair Anarchist's Almanac"
9250 America works less, when you say "Union Yes!"
9252 American business long ago gave up on demanding that prospective employees
9253 be honest and hardworking. It has even stopped hoping for employees who
9254 are educated enough that they can tell the difference between the men's room
9255 and the women's room without having little pictures on the doors.
9258 American by birth; Texan by the grace of God.
9260 American cars are made shoddily...
9261 Cars made overseas are far superior.
9262 -- Sen. Barry Goldwater
9264 [Americans] are a race of convicts and ought to be thankful for anything
9265 we allow them short of hanging.
9268 America is a large friendly dog in a small room. Every time it wags its
9269 tail it knocks over a chair.
9272 The United States is like the guy at the party who gives cocaine to
9273 everybody and still nobody likes him.
9276 Americans are people who insist on living in the present, tense.
9278 Americans' greatest fear is that America will turn out
9279 to have been a phenomenon, not a civilization.
9280 -- Shirley Hazzard, "Transit of Venus"
9282 America's best buy for a quarter is a telephone call to the right person.
9284 Amnesia used to be my favorite word, but then I forgot it.
9287 Amoeba/rabbit cross; it can multiply
9288 and divide at the same time.
9290 Among all savage beasts, none is found so harmful as woman.
9291 -- St. John Chrysostom, 304-407.
9293 Among the lucky, you are the chosen one.
9295 An acid is like a woman: a good one will eat through your pants.
9296 -- Mel Gibson, Saturday Night Live
9298 An actor's a guy who if you ain't talkin' about him, ain't listening.
9301 An Ada exception is when a routine gets
9302 in trouble and says 'Beam me up, Scotty'.
9304 An adequate bootstrap is a contradiction in terms.
9306 An Aggie farmer was lifting his hogs, one by one, up to the branches of
9307 his apple trees to graze on the apples. A Texas student walked by and
9308 asked him, "Doesn't that take a lot of time?"
9309 Replied the Aggie, "What's time to a hog?"
9311 An alcoholic is someone you don't like who drinks as much as you do.
9314 An algorithm must be seen to be believed.
9317 An ambassador is an honest man sent abroad
9318 to lie and intrigue for the benefit of his country.
9319 -- Sir Henry Wotton, 1568-1639
9321 An amendment to a motion may be amended, but an amendment to an amendment
9322 to a motion may not be amended. However, a substitute for an amendment to
9323 and amendment to a motion may be adopted and the substitute may be amended.
9324 -- The Montana legislature's contribution to the English
9327 An American is a man with two arms and four wheels.
9330 An American scientist once visited the offices of the great Nobel prize
9331 winning physicist, Niels Bohr, in Copenhagen. He was amazed to find that
9332 over Bohr's desk was a horseshoe, securely nailed to the wall, with the
9333 open end up in the approved manner (so it would catch the good luck and not
9334 let it spill out). The American said with a nervous laugh,
9335 "Surely you don't believe the horseshoe will bring you good luck,
9336 do you, Professor Bohr? After all, as a scientist --"
9338 "I believe no such thing, my good friend. Not at all. I am
9339 scarcely likely to believe in such foolish nonsense. However, I am told
9340 that a horseshoe will bring you good luck whether you believe in it or not."
9342 An American tourist is visiting Russia, and he's talking with a Russian
9343 about the fact that not many people in Russia own cars.
9345 American: "I can't believe you don't have cars here! How do you
9347 Russian: "We take the bus, or the subway. We have public
9348 transportation everywhere."
9349 A: "Well, how do you go on vacations?"
9350 R: "We take the train."
9351 A: "Well, what if you want to go abroad?"
9352 R: "We don't ever want go abroad."
9353 A: "Well, what if you really HAVE to go abroad?"
9356 An American's a person who isn't afraid to criticize
9357 the president but is always polite to traffic cops.
9359 An anthropologist at Tulane has just come back from a field trip to
9360 New Guinea with reports of a tribe so primitive that they have Tide but
9361 not new Tide with lemon-fresh Borax.
9364 An aphorism is never exactly true;
9365 it is either a half-truth or one-and-a-half truths.
9368 An appeaser is one who feeds a crocodile -- hoping that it will eat
9370 -- Sir Winston Churchill, 1954
9372 An apple a day makes 365 apples a year.
9374 An atheist is a man with no invisible means of support.
9376 An atom-blaster is a good weapon, but it can point both ways.
9379 An attachment a la Plato
9380 for a bashful young potato
9381 or a, not too French, french bean
9382 must excite your languid spleen.
9383 For, if you walk down Picadilly
9384 with a poppy or lily
9385 in your medieval hand,
9387 as you walk your flowery way;
9388 "If this young man is content,
9389 with a vegetable love
9390 which would certainly not content me.
9391 Why, what a very pure young man
9392 this pure young man must be!"
9393 -- W.S. Gilbert, "Patience"
9394 [The subject of the humour is, of course, Oscar Wilde]
9396 An attorney was defending his client against a charge of first-degree
9397 murder. "Your Honor, my client is accused of stuff his lover's
9398 mutilated body into a suitcase and heading for the Mexican border.
9399 Just north of Tijuana a cop spotted her hand sticking out of the
9400 suitcase. Now, I would like to stress that my client is *not* a
9401 murderer. A sloppy packer, maybe..."
9403 An avocado-tone refrigerator would look good on your resume.
9405 An economist is a man who would marry
9406 Farrah Fawcett-Majors for her money.
9408 An editor is one who separates the wheat from the chaff and prints the chaff.
9411 An effective way to deal with predators is to taste terrible.
9413 An efficient and a successful administration manifests
9414 itself equally in small as in great matters.
9417 An egghead is one who stands firmly on both feet,
9418 in mid-air, on both sides of an issue.
9421 An elderly couple were flying to their Caribbean hideaway on a chartered plane
9422 when a terrible storm forced them to land on an uninhabited island. When
9423 several days passed without rescue, the couple and their pilot sank into a
9424 despondent silence. Finally, the woman asked her husband if he had made his
9425 usual pledge to the United Way Campaign.
9426 "We're running out of food and water and you ask *that*?" her husband
9427 barked. "If you really need to know, I not only pledged a half million but
9428 I've already paid them half of it."
9429 "You owe the U.W.C. a *quarter million*?" the woman exclaimed
9430 euphorically. "Don't worry, Harry, they'll find us! They'll find us!"
9432 An elephant is a mouse with an operating system.
9434 An engineer, a physicist and a mathematician find themselves in an
9435 anecdote, indeed an anecdote quite similar to many that you have no doubt
9436 already heard. After some observations and rough calculations the
9437 engineer realizes the situation and starts laughing. A few minutes later
9438 the physicist understands too and chuckles to himself happily as he now
9439 has enough experimental evidence to publish a paper. This leaves the
9440 mathematician somewhat perplexed, as he had observed right away that he
9441 was the subject of an anecdote, and deduced quite rapidly the presence of
9442 humour from similar anecdotes, but considers this anecdote to be too
9443 trivial a corollary to be significant, let alone funny.
9445 An engineer is someone who does list processing in FORTRAN.
9447 An Englishman never enjoys himself, except for a noble purpose.
9450 An evil mind is a great comfort.
9452 An excellence-oriented '80s male does not wear a regular watch. He wears
9453 a Rolex watch, because it weighs nearly six pounds and is advertised
9454 only in excellence-oriented publications such as Fortune and Rich
9455 Protestant Golfer Magazine. The advertisements are written in
9456 incomplete sentences, which is how advertising copywriters denote
9459 "The Rolex Hyperion. An elegant new standard in quality excellence and
9460 discriminating handcraftsmanship. For the individual who is truly able
9461 to discriminate with regard to excellent quality standards of crafting
9462 things by hand. Fabricated of 100 percent 24-karat gold. No watch
9463 parts or anything. Just a great big chunk on your wrist. Truly a
9464 timeless statement. For the individual who is very secure. Who
9465 doesn't need to be reminded all the time that he is very successful.
9466 Much more successful than the people who laughed at him in high
9467 school. Because of his acne. People who are probably nowhere near as
9468 successful as he is now. Maybe he'll go to his 20th reunion, and
9469 they'll see his Rolex Hyperion. Hahahahahahahahaha."
9470 -- Dave Barry, "In Search of Excellence"
9472 ...an experienced, industrious, ambitious, and quite often
9476 An expert is a man who has made all the mistakes which can be made, in a
9480 An expert is a person who avoids the small errors
9481 as he sweeps on to the grand fallacy.
9482 -- Benjamin Stolberg
9484 An expert is one who knows more and more about less
9485 and less until he knows absolutely nothing about everything.
9487 An eye in a blue face
9488 Saw an eye in a green face.
9489 "That eye is like this eye"
9494 An Hacker there was, one of the finest sort
9495 Who controlled the system; graphics was his sport.
9496 A manly man, to be a wizard able;
9497 Many a protected file he had sitting on his table.
9498 His console, when he typed, a man might hear
9499 Clicking and feeping wind as clear,
9500 Aye, and as loud as does the machine room bell
9501 Where my lord Hacker was Prior of the cell.
9502 The Rule of good St Savage or St Doeppnor
9503 As old and strict he tended to ignore;
9504 He let go by the things of yesterday
9505 And took the modern world's more spacious way.
9506 He did not rate that text as a plucked hen
9507 Which says that Hackers are not holy men.
9508 And that a hacker underworked is a mere
9509 Fish out of water, flapping on the pier.
9510 That is to say, a hacker out of his cloister.
9511 That was a text he held not worth an oyster.
9512 And I agreed and said his views were sound;
9513 Was he to study till his head wend round
9514 Poring over books in the cloisters? Must he toil
9515 As Andy bade and till the very soil?
9516 Was he to leave the world upon the shelf?
9517 Let Andy have his labor to himself!
9521 An honest politician is one who when he is bought will stay bought.
9524 There are honest journalists like there are honest politicians. When
9525 bought they stay bought.
9528 An honest tale speeds best being plainly told.
9529 -- William Shakespeare, "Henry VI"
9531 An idea is not responsible for the people who believe in it.
9533 An idealist is one who helps the other fellow to make a profit.
9536 An idle mind is worth two in the bush.
9538 An infallible method of conciliating a tiger
9539 is to allow oneself to be devoured.
9542 An intellectual is someone whose mind watches itself.
9545 An interpretation I satisfies a sentence in the table language if and only if
9546 each entry in the table designates the value of the function designated by the
9547 function constant in the upper-left corner applied to the objects designated
9548 by the corresponding row and column labels.
9549 -- Genesereth & Nilsson, "Logical foundations of Artificial
9552 An investment in knowledge always pays the best interest.
9553 -- Benjamin Franklin
9555 An old Jewish man reads about Einstein's theory of relativity
9556 in the newspaper and asks his scientist grandson to explain it to him.
9557 "Well, zayda, it's sort of like this. Einstein says that if
9558 you're having your teeth drilled without Novocain, a minute seems like
9559 an hour. But if you're sitting with a beautiful woman on your lap, an
9560 hour seems like a minute."
9561 The old man considers this profound bit of thinking for a
9562 moment and says, "And from this he makes a living?"
9565 An old man is lying on his deathbed with all his children, grandchildren and
9566 great-grandchildren gathered around, teary-eyed at the approaching finale of
9567 a deeply loved family member. The old man is in a light coma, and the doctors
9568 have confirmed that the waiting will be over within the next twenty-four
9569 hours. Suddenly, the old man opens his eyes whispers: "I must be dreaming
9570 of heaven... I smell my daughter Lisle's strudel."
9571 "No, no, grandfather, you are not dreaming", he is reassured.
9572 "Grandmother is baking strudel right now."
9573 A faint smile crosses the old man's face. "Go an get me a sliver of
9574 strudel," he says, "she bakes the finest strudel in the world."
9575 One of the grandchildren is immediately dispatched to honor the old
9576 man's request, and, after what seems a long time, he returns empty-handed.
9577 "Did you bring me some of Lisle's strudel?", the old man quavers.
9578 "I'm... I'm very sorry, grandfather, but she says it's for the
9581 An optimist is a guy that has never had much experience.
9584 An optimist is a man who looks forward to marriage.
9585 A pessimist is a married optimist.
9587 An ounce of clear truth is worth a pound of obfuscation.
9589 An ounce of hypocrisy is worth a pound of ambition.
9592 An ounce of mother is worth a ton of priest.
9595 Anarchy may not be a better form of government,
9596 but it's better than no government at all.
9598 And all that the Lorax left here in this mess
9599 was a small pile of rocks with the one word, "unless."
9600 Whatever THAT meant, well, I just couldn't guess.
9601 That was long, long ago, and each day since that day,
9602 I've worried and worried and worried away.
9603 Through the years as my buildings have fallen apart,
9604 I've worried about it with all of my heart.
9606 "BUT," says the Oncler, "now that you're here,
9607 the word of the Lorax seems perfectly clear!
9608 UNLESS someone like you cares a whole awful lot,
9609 nothing is going to get better - it's not.
9610 So... CATCH!" cries the Oncler. He lets something fall.
9611 "It's a truffula seed. It's the last one of all!
9613 "You're in charge of the last of the truffula seeds.
9614 And truffula trees are what everyone needs.
9615 Plant a new truffula -- treat it with care.
9616 Give it clean water and feed it fresh air.
9617 Grow a forest -- protect it from axes that hack.
9618 Then the Lorax and all of his friends may come back!"
9620 And as we stand on the edge of darkness
9621 Let our chant fill the void
9622 That others may know
9624 In the land of the night
9628 -- Tibetan "Book of the Dead," ca. 4000 BC.
9630 And Bezel saideth unto Sham: `Sham,' he saideth, `Thou shalt goest
9631 unto the town of Begorrah, and there thou shalt fetcheth unto thine
9632 bosom 35 talents, and also shalt thou fetcheth a like number of cubits,
9633 provideth that they are nice and fresh.'
9636 And Bezel saideth unto Sham: "Sham," he saideth, "Thou shalt goest
9637 unto the town of Begorrah, and there thou shalt fetcheth unto thine
9638 bosom 35 talents, and also shalt thou fetcheth a like number of cubits,
9639 provideth that they are nice and fresh."
9640 -- Dave Barry, "Getting Religion"
9642 And did those feet, in ancient times,
9643 Walk upon England's mountains green?
9644 And was the Holy Lamb of God
9645 In England's pleasant pastures seen?
9646 And did the Countenance Divine
9647 Shine forth upon these crowded hills?
9648 And was Jerusalem builded here
9649 Among these dark satanic mills?
9651 Bring me my bow of burning gold!
9652 Bring me my arrows of desire!
9653 Bring me my spears! O clouds unfold!
9654 Bring me my chariot of fire!
9655 I shall not cease from mental fight,
9656 Nor shall my sword rest in my hand,
9657 Till we have built Jerusalem
9658 In England's green and pleasant land.
9659 -- William Blake, "Jerusalem"
9661 And do you think (fop that I am) that I could be the Scarlet Pumpernickel?
9663 And ever has it been known that
9664 love knows not its own depth until the hour of separation.
9667 And he climbed with the lad up the Eiffelberg Tower. "This," cried the Mayor,
9668 "is your town's darkest hour! The time for all Whos who have blood that is red
9669 to come to the aid of their country!" he said. "We've GOT to make noises in
9670 greater amounts! So, open your mouth, lad! For every voice counts!" Thus he
9671 spoke as he climbed. When they got to the top, the lad cleared his throat and
9672 he shouted out, "YOPP!"
9673 And that Yopp... That one last small, extra Yopp put it over!
9674 Finally, at last! From the speck on that clover their voices were heard!
9675 They rang out clear and clean. And they elephant smiled. "Do you see what
9676 I mean?" They've proved they ARE persons, no matter how small. And their
9677 whole world was saved by the smallest of All!"
9678 "How true! Yes, how true," said the big kangaroo. "And, from now
9679 on, you know what I'm planning to do? From now on, I'm going to protect
9680 them with you!" And the young kangaroo in her pouch said, "ME TOO! From
9681 the sun in the summer. From rain when it's fall-ish, I'm going to protect
9682 them. No matter how small-ish!"
9683 -- Dr. Seuss "Horton Hears a Who"
9685 And here I wait so patiently
9686 Waiting to find out what price
9687 You have to pay to get out of
9688 Going thru all of these things twice
9689 -- Dylan, "Memphis Blues Again"
9691 And I alone am returned to wag the tail.
9693 And I heard Jeff exclaim, as they strolled out of sight,
9694 "Merry Christmas to all -- you take credit cards, right?"
9696 And I suppose the little things are harder to get used to than the big
9697 ones. The big ones you get used to, you make up your mind to them. The
9698 little things come along unexpectedly, when you aren't thinking about
9699 them, aren't braced against them.
9700 -- Marion Zimmer Bradley, "The Forbidden Tower"
9702 And I will do all these good works, and I will do them for free!
9703 My only reward will be a tombstone that says "Here lies Gomez
9704 Addams -- he was good for nothing."
9705 -- Jack Sharkey, The Addams Family
9707 And if California slides into the ocean,
9708 Like the mystics and statistics say it will.
9709 I predict this motel will be standing,
9710 Until I've paid my bill.
9711 -- Warren Zevon, "Desperados Under the Eaves"
9713 And if sometime, somewhere, someone asketh thee,
9714 "Who kilt thee?", tell them it 'twas the Doones of Bagworthy!
9718 As I am heading for the sink.
9719 I am spitting out all the bitterness,
9720 Along with half of my last drink.
9722 And in the heartbreak years that lie ahead,
9723 Be true to yourself and the Grateful Dead.
9726 And it should be the law: If you use the word `paradigm' without knowing
9727 what the dictionary says it means, you go to jail. No exceptions.
9730 And malt does more than Milton can to justify God's ways to man.
9733 And miles to go before I sleep.
9735 And now for something completely the same.
9737 And now your toner's toney, Disk blocks aplenty
9738 And your paper near pure white, Await your laser drawn lines,
9739 The smudges on your soul are gone Your intricate fonts,
9740 And your output's clean as light.. Your pictures and signs.
9742 We've labored with your father, Your amputative absence
9743 The venerable XGP, Has made the Ten dumb,
9744 But his slow artistic hand, Without you, Dover,
9745 Lacks your clean velocity. We're system untounged-
9747 Theses and papers DRAW Plots and TEXage
9748 And code in a queue Have been biding their time,
9749 Dover, oh Dover, With LISP code and programs,
9750 We've been waiting for you. And this crufty rhyme.
9752 Dover, oh Dover, Dover, oh Dover, arisen from dead.
9753 We welcome you back, Dover, oh Dover, awoken from bed.
9754 Though still you may jam, Dover, oh Dover, welcome back to the Lab.
9755 You're on the right track. Dover, oh Dover, we've missed your clean
9758 And on the eighth day, we bulldozed it.
9760 And on the seventh day, He exited from append mode.
9762 ...and report cards I was always afraid to show
9763 Mama'd come to school
9764 and as I'd sit there softly cryin'
9765 Teacher'd say he's just not tryin'
9766 Got a good head if he'd apply it
9767 but you know yourself
9768 it's always somewhere else
9769 I'd build me a castle
9770 with dragons and kings
9771 and I'd ride off with them
9772 As I stood by my window
9773 and looked out on those
9775 -- Neil Diamond, "Brooklyn Roads"
9777 And so it was, later,
9778 As the miller told his tale,
9779 That her face, at first just ghostly,
9780 Turned a whiter shade of pale.
9783 And that's the way it is...
9786 And the crowd was stilled. One elderly man, wondering at the sudden silence,
9787 turned to the Child and asked him to repeat what he had said. Wide-eyed,
9788 the Child raised his voice and said once again, "Why, the Emperor has no
9789 clothes! He is naked!"
9790 -- "The Emperor's New Clothes"
9792 And the French medical anatomist Etienne Serres really did argue that
9793 black males are primitive because the distance between their navel and
9794 penis remains small (relative to body height) throughout life, while
9795 white children begin with a small separation but increase it during
9796 growth -- the rising belly button as a mark of progress.
9797 -- S.J. Gould, "Racism and Recapitulation"
9799 And the silence came surging softly backwards
9800 When the plunging hooves were gone...
9801 -- Walter de La Mare, "The Listeners"
9803 And they shall beat their swords into plowshares, for if you hit a man
9804 with a plowshare, he's going to know he's been hit.
9806 And this is a table ma'am. What in essence it consists of is a horizontal
9807 rectilinear plane surface maintained by four vertical columnar supports,
9808 which we call legs. The tables in this laboratory, ma'am, are as advanced
9809 in design as one will find anywhere in the world.
9810 -- Michael Frayn, "The Tin Men"
9812 And this is good old Boston,
9813 The home of the bean and the cod,
9814 Where the Lowells talk only to Cabots,
9815 And the Cabots talk only to God.
9817 And tomorrow will be like today, only more so.
9818 -- Isaiah 56:12, New Standard Version
9820 And we heard him exclaim
9821 As he started to roam:
9822 "I'm a hologram, kids,
9823 please don't try this at home!'"
9826 And what accomplished villains these old engineers were! What diabolical
9827 ways to sabotage they found! Nikolai Karlovich von Meck, of the People's
9828 Comissariat of Railroads ... would hold forth for hours on end about the
9829 economic problems involved in the construction of socialism, and he loved to
9830 give advice. One such pernicious piece of advice was to increase the size
9831 of freight trains and not worry about heavier than average loads. The GPU
9832 exposed van Meck, and he was shot: his objective had been to wear out rails
9833 and roadbeds, freight cars and locomotives, so as to leave the Republic
9834 without railroads in case of foreign military intervention! When, not long
9835 afterward, the new People's Commissar of Railroads ordered that average
9836 loads should be increased, and even doubled and tripled them, the malicious
9837 engineers who protested became known as limiters ... they were rightly
9838 shot for their lack of faith in the possibilities of socialist transport.
9839 -- Aleksandr I. Solzhenitsyn, "The Gulag Archipelago"
9841 And... What in the world ever became of Sweet Jane?
9842 She's lost her sparkle, you see she isn't the same.
9843 Livin' on reds, vitamin C, and cocaine
9844 All a friend can say is "Ain't it a shame?"
9845 -- The Grateful Dead
9847 And yet I should have dearly liked, I own, to have touched her lips; to
9848 have questioned her, that she might have opened them; to have looked upon
9849 the lashes of her downcast eyes, and never raised a blush; to have let
9850 loose waves of hair, an inch of which would be a keepsake beyond price:
9851 in short, I should have liked, I do confess, to have had the lightest
9852 license of a child, and yet been man enough to know its value.
9855 And yet, seasons must be taken with a grain of salt, for they too have
9856 a sense of humor, as does history. Corn stalks comedy, comedy stalks
9857 tragedy, and this too is historic. And yet, still, when corn meets
9858 tragedy face to face, we have politics.
9859 -- Dalglish, Larsen and Sutherland,
9860 "Root Crops and Ground Cover"
9862 And you can't get any Watney's Red Barrel,
9863 because the bars close every time you're thirsty...
9865 "And, you know, I mustn't preach to you, but surely it wouldn't be right for
9866 you to take away people's pleasure of studying your attire, by just going
9867 and making yourself like everybody else. You feel that, don't you?" said
9869 -- William Morris, "Notes from Nowhere"
9871 Andrea's Admonition:
9872 Never bestow profanity upon a driver who has wronged you.
9873 If you think his window is closed and he can't hear you,
9874 it isn't and he can.
9879 Anger is momentary madness.
9882 Anger kills as surely as the other vices.
9884 Animals can be driven crazy by putting too many in too small a pen.
9885 Homo sapiens is the only animal that voluntarily does this to himself.
9888 Ankh if you love Isis.
9890 Announcing the NEW VAX 11/782!!
9892 Be the envy of other major Communist Governments!
9894 Defend yourself against the entire ICBM force of the imperialist USA with
9895 just one of the processors, at the same time you're designing missile IC's,
9896 cracking secret NATO codes and editing propaganda for your own people all
9897 at the same time with the other! (Well, you really can't, but the Americans
9898 think you can, and that's the point, right?)
9901 To grease a king or other great
9902 functionary already sufficiently slippery.
9904 Another day, another dollar.
9905 -- Vincent J. Fuller, defense lawyer for John Hinckley,
9906 upon Hinckley's acquittal for shooting President Ronald
9909 Another good night not to sleep in a eucalyptus tree.
9911 Another megabytes the dust.
9913 Another possible source of guidance for teenagers is television, but
9914 television's message has always been that the need for truth, wisdom and
9915 world peace pales by comparison with the need for a toothpaste that offers
9916 whiter teeth *and* fresher breath.
9917 -- Dave Barry, "Kids Today: They Don't Know Dum Diddly"
9919 Another such victory over the Romans, and we are undone.
9922 Answer a fool according to his folly, lest he be wise in his own conceit.
9925 Anthony's Law of the Workshop:
9926 Any tool when dropped, will roll into the least accessible
9927 corner of the workshop.
9930 On the way to the corner, any dropped tool will first strike
9933 Antique fairy tale: Little Red Riding Hood.
9934 Modern fairy tale: Oswald, acting alone, shot Kennedy.
9936 Anti-trust laws should be approached with exactly that attitude.
9939 Was tired of living alonio
9940 He thought he would woo Antonio Antonio
9941 Miss Lucamy Lu, Rode of on his polo ponio
9942 Miss Lucamy Lucy Molonio. And found the maid
9944 Sitting and knitting alonio.
9946 Said if you will be my ownio
9947 I'll love tou true Oh nonio Antonio
9948 And buy for you You're far too bleak and bonio
9949 An icery creamry conio. And all that I wish
9951 Is that you will quickly begonio.
9953 Uttered a dismal moanio
9954 And went off and hid
9955 Or I'm told that he did
9956 In the Antartical Zonio.
9959 The opposite of the word you're trying to think of.
9961 Anxious after the delay, Gruber doesn't waste any time getting the Koenig
9962 [a modified Porsche] up to speed, and almost immediately we are blowing off
9963 Alfas, Fiats, and Lancias full of excited Italians. These people love fast
9964 cars. But they love sport too and no passing encounter goes unchallenged.
9965 Nothing serious, just two wheels into your lane as you're bearing down on
9966 them at 130-plus -- to see if you're paying attention.
9967 -- Road & Track article about driving two absurdly fast
9970 Any circuit design must contain at least one part which is obsolete, two parts
9971 which are unobtainable, and three parts which are still under development.
9973 Any clod can have the facts, but having opinions is an art.
9976 Any coward can sit in his home and criticize a pilot for flying into a
9977 mountain in a fog. But I would rather, by far, die on a mountainside
9978 than in bed. What kind of man would live where there is no daring?
9979 And is life so dear that we should blame men for dying in adventure?
9980 Is there a better way to die?
9981 -- Charles Lindbergh
9983 Any excuse will serve a tyrant.
9986 Any father who thinks he's all important should remind himself that this
9987 country honors fathers only one day a year while pickles get a whole week.
9989 Any fool can paint a picture, but it takes a
9990 wise person to be able to sell it.
9992 Any fool can tell the truth, but it requires a man of sense to know
9996 Any girl can be glamorous; all you have to do is stand still and look
10000 Any given program, when running, is obsolete.
10002 Any given program will expand to fill available memory.
10004 Any great truth can -- and eventually will -- be expressed as a cliche --
10005 a cliche is a sure and certain way to dilute an idea. For instance, my
10006 grandmother used to say, "The black cat is always the last one off the
10007 fence." I have no idea what she meant, but at one time, it was undoubtedly
10011 Any instrument when dropped will roll into the least accessible corner.
10013 Any man can work when every stroke of his hand brings down the fruit
10014 rattling from the tree to the ground; but to labor in season and out
10015 of season, under every discouragement, by the power of truth -- that
10016 requires a heroism which is transcendent.
10017 -- Henry Ward Beecher
10019 Any man who hates dogs and babies can't be all bad.
10020 -- Leo Rosten, on W.C. Fields
10022 Any member introducing a dog into the Society's premises shall be
10023 liable to a fine of one pound. Any animal leading a blind person shall
10024 be deemed to be a cat.
10025 -- Rule 46, Oxford Union Society, London
10027 "Any news from the President on a successor?" he asked hopefully.
10028 "None," Anita replied. "She's having great difficulty finding someone
10029 qualified who is willing to accept the post."
10030 "Then I stay," said Dr. Fresh. "I'm not good for much, but I
10031 can at least make a decision."
10032 "Somewhere," he grumphed, "there must be a naive, opportunistic
10033 young welp with a masochistic streak who would like to run the most
10034 up-and-down bureaucracy in the history of mankind."
10035 -- R.L. Forward, "Flight of the Dragonfly"
10037 Any philosophy that can be put "in a nutshell" belongs there.
10040 Any president should have the right to shoot
10041 at least two people a year without explanation.
10042 -- Herbert Hoover, discussing the press
10044 Any priest or shaman must be presumed guilty until proved innocent.
10047 Any program which runs right is obsolete.
10049 Any programming language is at its best before it is implemented and used.
10051 Any road followed to its end leads precisely nowhere. Climb the mountain
10052 just a little to test it's a mountain. From the top of the mountain, you
10053 cannot see the mountain.
10054 -- Bene Gesserit proverb
10056 Any road followed to its end leads precisely nowhere.
10057 Climb the mountain just a little to test it's a mountain.
10058 From the top of the mountain, you cannot see the mountain.
10059 -- Bene Gesserit proverb, "Dune"
10061 Any small object that is accidentally
10062 dropped will hide under a larger object.
10064 Any sufficiently advanced bug becomes a feature.
10066 Any sufficiently advanced technology is indistinguishable from a rigged demo.
10068 Any sufficiently advanced technology is indistinguishable from magic.
10071 Any two philosophers can tell each other all they know in two hours.
10072 -- Oliver Wendell Holmes, Jr.
10074 Anybody can win, unless there happens to be a second entry.
10076 Anybody has a right to evade taxes if he can get away with it. No citizen
10077 has a moral obligation to assist in maintaining his government.
10080 Anybody that wants the presidency so much that he'll spend two years
10081 organising and campaigning for it is not to be trusted with the office.
10084 Anybody who doesn't cut his speed at the
10085 sight of a police car is probably parked.
10087 Anybody with money to burn will easily find someone to tend the fire.
10089 Anyone can become angry -- that is easy; but to be angry with the right
10090 person, to the right degree, at the right time, for the right purpose
10091 and in the right way -- that is not easy.
10094 Anyone can do any amount of work provided it isn't the work he is
10095 supposed to be doing.
10097 Anyone can hold the helm when the sea is calm.
10100 "Anyone can say 'no'. It is the first word a child learns and often the
10101 first word he speaks. It is a cheap word because it requires no
10102 explanation, and many men and women have acquired a reputation for
10103 intelligence who know only this word and have used it in place of
10104 thought on every occasion."
10105 -- Chuck Jones (Warner Bros. animation director.)
10107 Anyone stupid enough to be caught by the police is probably guilty.
10109 Anyone who cannot cope with mathematics is not fully human.
10110 At best he is a tolerable subhuman who has learned to wear shoes,
10111 bathe and not make messes in the house.
10114 Anyone who considers protocol unimportant has never dealt with a cat.
10117 Anyone who goes to a psychiatrist ought to have his head examined.
10120 Anyone who has attended a USENIX conference in a fancy hotel can tell you
10121 that a sentence like "You're one of those computer people, aren't you?"
10122 is roughly equivalent to "Look, another amazingly mobile form of slime
10123 mold!" in the mouth of a hotel cocktail waitress.
10124 -- Elizabeth Zwicky
10126 Anyone who has had a bull by the tail
10127 knows five or six more things than someone who hasn't.
10130 Anyone who imagines that all fruits ripen at the same time
10131 as the strawberries, knows nothing about grapes.
10132 -- Philippus Paracelsus
10134 Anyone who is capable of getting themselves made President
10135 should on no account be allowed to do the job.
10136 -- The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy
10138 Anyone who knows history, particularly the history of Europe, will, I think,
10139 recognize that the domination of education or of government by any one
10140 particular religious faith is never a happy arrangement for the people.
10141 -- Eleanor Roosevelt
10143 Anyone who says he can see through women is missing a lot.
10146 Anything anybody can say about America is true.
10149 Anything cut to length will be too short.
10151 Anything free is worth what you'll pay for it.
10153 Anything is good and useful if it's made of chocolate.
10155 Anything is good if it's made of chocolate.
10157 Anything is possible on paper.
10160 Anything is possible, unless it's not.
10162 Anything labeled "NEW" and/or "IMPROVED" isn't.
10163 The label means the price went up.
10164 The label "ALL NEW", "COMPLETELY NEW", or "GREAT NEW"
10165 means the price went way up.
10167 Anything that is worth doing has been done frequently. Things hitherto
10168 undone should be given, I suspect, a wide berth.
10169 -- Max Beerbohm, "Mainly on the Air"
10171 Anything worth doing is worth overdoing.
10173 Anytime things appear to be going better, you've overlooked something.
10175 Anyway, I keep picturing all these little kids playing some game in this
10176 big field of rye and all. Thousands of little kids, and nobody's around --
10177 nobody big, I mean -- except me. And I'm standing on the edge of some crazy
10178 cliff. What I have to do, I have to catch everybody if they start to go
10179 over the cliff -- I mean if they're running and they don't look where they're
10180 going I have to come out from somewhere and catch them. That's all I'd do
10181 all day. I'd just be the catcher in the rye. I know it; I know it's crazy,
10182 but that's the only thing I'd really like to be. I know it's crazy.
10183 -- J.D. Salinger, "Catcher in the Rye"
10185 Apathy Club meeting this Friday.
10186 If you want to come, you're not invited.
10189 Loss of speech in social scientists when asked
10190 at parties, "But of what use is your research?"
10193 A concise, clever statement.
10195 A concise, clever statement you don't think of until too late.
10196 -- James Alexander Thom
10198 APL hackers do it in the quad.
10200 APL is a mistake, carried through to perfection. It is the language of the
10201 future for the programming techniques of the past: it creates a new generation
10203 -- Edsger W. Dijkstra, SIGPLAN Notices, Volume 17, Number 5
10205 APL is a natural extension of assembler language programming;
10206 ...and is best for educational purposes.
10209 APL is a write-only language. I can write programs
10210 in APL, but I can't read any of them.
10213 Appearances often are deceiving.
10217 A portion of a book, for which nobody yet has discovered any use.
10220 The echo of a platitude from the mouth of a fool.
10223 April is the cruellest month...
10224 -- Thomas Stearns Eliot
10227 Possessing the ability to turn the bathtub
10228 faucet on and off with your toes.
10229 -- "Sniglets", Rich Hall & Friends
10231 aquadextrous, adj.:
10232 Possessing the ability to turn the bathtub faucet on and off
10234 -- Rich Hall, "Sniglets"
10236 AQUARIUS (Jan 20 - Feb 18)
10237 You have an inventive mind and are inclined to be progressive.
10238 You lie a great deal. On the other hand, you are inclined to be
10239 careless and impractical, causing you to make the same mistakes over
10240 and over again. People think you are stupid.
10242 AQUARIUS (Jan. 20 to Feb. 18)
10243 A friend will step forward and confide in you about your breath. Rely
10244 on your outgoing personality and winning smile to get you into a lot
10245 of trouble. Be relaxed, things will change. Look for a pink slip on
10246 payday. Stop wetting your bed.
10248 AQUARIUS (Jan.20 - Feb.18)
10249 You are the type of person who never has enough money to do what
10250 you want. Don't expect things to get any better today, either.
10251 As a matter of fact they might get worse. Intensify your
10252 relationship with your bank and any friends you have who might be
10253 able to lend you a few bucks.
10255 Aquavit is also considered useful for medicinal purposes, an essential
10256 ingredient in what I was once told is the Norwegian cure for the common
10257 cold. You get a bottle, a poster bed, and the brightest colored stocking
10258 cap you can find. You put the cap on the post at the foot of the bed,
10259 then get into bed and drink aquavit until you can't see the cap. I've
10260 never tried this, but it sounds as though it should work.
10265 Are we running light with overbyte?
10268 In the year 584, in Lyon, France, 43 Catholic bishops and 20 men
10269 representing other bishops, after a lengthy debate, took a vote.
10270 The results were 32 yes, 31 no. Women were declared human by one
10273 Are you a parent? Do you sometimes find yourself unsure as to what to
10274 say in those awkward situations? Worry no more...
10276 Are you sure you're telling the truth? Think hard.
10277 Does it make you happy to know you're sending me to an early grave?
10278 If all your friends jumped off the cliff, would you jump too?
10279 Do you feel bad? How do you think I feel?
10280 Aren't you ashamed of yourself?
10281 Don't you know any better?
10282 How could you be so stupid?
10283 If that's the worst pain you'll ever feel, you should be thankful.
10284 You can't fool me. I know what you're thinking.
10285 If you can't say anything nice, say nothing at all.
10287 Are you a parent? Do you sometimes find yourself unsure as to what to
10288 say in those awkward situations? Worry no more...
10290 Do as I say, not as I do.
10291 Do me a favour and don't tell me about it. I don't want to know.
10292 What did you do *this* time?
10293 If it didn't taste bad, it wouldn't be good for you.
10294 When I was your age...
10295 I won't love you if you keep doing that.
10296 Think of all the starving children in India.
10297 If there's one thing I hate, it's a liar.
10298 I'm going to kill you.
10300 If you don't like it, you can lump it.
10302 Are you a parent? Do you sometimes find yourself unsure as to what to
10303 say in those awkward situations? Worry no more...
10305 Go away. You bother me.
10306 Why? Because life is unfair.
10307 That's a nice drawing. What is it?
10308 Children should be seen and not heard.
10309 You'll be the death of me.
10310 You'll understand when you're older.
10312 Wipe that smile off your face.
10313 I don't believe you.
10314 How many times have I told you to be careful?
10317 Are you a parent? Do you sometimes find yourself unsure as to what to
10318 say in those awkward situations? Worry no more...
10320 Good children always obey.
10321 Quit acting so childish.
10323 If you keep making faces, someday it'll freeze that way.
10324 Why do you have to know so much?
10325 This hurts me more than it hurts you.
10326 Why? Because I'm bigger than you.
10327 Well, you've ruined everything. Now are you happy?
10329 I'm only doing this because I love you.
10331 Are you a parent? Do you sometimes find yourself unsure as to what to
10332 say in those awkward situations? Worry no more...
10334 When are you going to grow up?
10335 I'm only doing this for your own good.
10336 Why are you crying? Stop crying, or I'll give you something to
10338 What's wrong with you?
10339 Someday you'll thank me for this.
10340 You'd lose your head if it weren't attached.
10341 Don't you have any sense at all?
10342 If you keep sucking your thumb, it'll fall off.
10343 Why? Because I said so.
10344 I hope you have a kid just like yourself.
10346 Are you a parent? Do you sometimes find yourself unsure as to what to
10347 say in those awkward situations? Worry no more...
10349 You wouldn't understand.
10350 You ask too many questions.
10351 In order to be a man, you have to learn to follow orders.
10352 That's for me to know and you to find out.
10353 Don't let those bullies push you around. Go in there and stick
10355 You're acting too big for your britches.
10356 Well, you broke it. Now are you satisfied?
10357 Wait till your father gets home.
10358 Bored? If you're bored, I've got some chores for you.
10359 Shape up or ship out.
10361 Are you making all this up as you go along?
10363 "Are you police officers?"
10364 "No, ma'am. We're musicians."
10365 -- The Blues Brothers
10367 Are you sure the back door is locked?
10369 "Are you sure you're not an encyclopedia salesman?"
10370 No, Ma'am. Just a burglar, come to ransack the flat."
10373 Are your glasses mended with a strip of masking tape right over your nose?
10374 Do you put pennies in the slots in your penny loafers?
10375 Does your bow-tie flash "hey you kid" in red neon at parties?
10376 Do you think pizza before noon is unhealthy?
10377 Do you use the "greasy kid's stuff" to stick down your cowlick?
10378 Do you wear a "nerd-pack" in your shirt pocket to keep the dozen
10379 or so pencils from marking the cloth?
10380 Do you think Mary Jane is somebody's name?
10381 Is illegal fishing is something only a daring criminal would do?
10382 Is Batman your hero? Superman? Green Lantern? The Shadow?
10383 Do you think girls who kiss on the first date are loose?
10385 Rate yourself on the nerd-o-matic scale. (1 point for each YES answer)
10386 0-2 -- You are really hip, a real cool cat, a hoopy frood.
10387 3-5 -- There is hope for you yet.
10388 6-7 -- Uh-oh, trouble in River City.
10389 8-10 -- Your immortal soul is in peril.
10390 11+ -- Does suicide seem attractive?
10392 Argue for your limitations, and sure enough, they're yours.
10393 -- Messiah's Handbook : Reminders for the Advanced Soul
10395 Arguments are extremely vulgar, for everyone
10396 in good society holds exactly the same opinion.
10399 Arguments with furniture are rarely productive.
10401 ARIES (Mar 21 - Apr 19)
10402 You are the pioneer type and hold most people in contempt. You are
10403 quick tempered, impatient, and scornful of advice. You are not
10406 ARIES (Mar.21 - Apr.19)
10407 You are a wonderfully interesting, honest, hard-working person
10408 and you should make many new friends, but you won't because you've
10409 got a mean streak in you a mile wide.
10412 An obscure art no longer practiced in
10413 the world's developed countries.
10415 Arithmetic is being able to count up to twenty without taking off your shoes.
10419 To provide weapons to a Spanish pickle.
10421 Armenians and Azerbaijanis in Stepanakert, capital of the Nagorno-Karabakh
10422 autonomous region, rioted over much needed spelling reform in the Soviet
10427 Virtue is the failure to achieve vice.
10429 Armstrong's Collection Law:
10430 If the check is truly in the mail,
10431 it is surely made out to someone else.
10434 Anything not fitting into these categories causes cancer in rats.
10436 Arnold's Laws of Documentation:
10437 1.) If it should exist, it doesn't.
10438 2.) If it does exist, it's out of date.
10439 3.) Only documentation for useless programs transcends the
10442 Around the turn of this century, a composer named Camille Saint-Saens wrote
10443 a satirical zoological-fantasy called "Le Carnaval des Animaux." Aside from
10444 one movement of this piece, "The Swan", Saint-Saens didn't allow this work
10445 to be published or even performed until a year had elapsed after his death.
10447 Most of us know the "Swan" movement rather well, with its smooth,
10448 flowing cello melody against a calm background; but I've been having this
10450 What if he had written this piece with lyrics, as a song to be sung?
10451 And, further, what if he had accompanied this song with a musical saw? (This
10452 instrument really does exist, often played by percussionists!) Then the
10453 piece would be better known as:
10454 SAINT-SAENS' SAW SONG "SWAN"!
10456 Arrakis teaches the attitude of the knife - chopping off what's
10457 incomplete and saying: "Now it's complete because it's ended here."
10458 -- Muad'dib, "Dune"
10460 Art is a jealous mistress.
10461 -- Ralph Waldo Emerson
10463 Art is a lie which makes us realize the truth.
10466 Art is anything you can get away with.
10467 -- Marshall McLuhan.
10469 Art is Nature speeded up and God slowed down.
10472 Art is the tree of life. Science is the tree of death.
10474 Arthur's Laws of Love:
10475 1. People to whom you are attracted invariably think you
10476 remind them of someone else.
10477 2. The love letter you finally got the courage to send will
10478 be delayed in the mail long enough for you to make a fool
10479 of yourself in person.
10482 Where a crime of the kidneys has been committed, the accused should
10483 enjoy the right to a speedy diaper change. Public announcements and
10484 guided tours of the aforementioned are not necessary.
10485 Article the Fourth:
10486 The decision to eat strained lamb or not should be with the "feedee"
10487 and not the "feeder". Blowing the strained lamb into the feeder's
10488 face should be accepted as an opinion, not as a declaration of war.
10490 Babies should enjoy the freedom to vocalize, whether it be in church,
10491 a public meeting place, during a movie, or after hours when the
10492 lights are out. They have not yet learned that joy and laughter have
10493 to last a lifetime and must be conserved.
10494 -- Erma Bombeck, "A Baby's Bill of Rights"
10496 Artificial intelligence has the same relation to intelligence as
10497 artificial flowers have to flowers.
10500 Artistic ventures highlighted. Rob a museum.
10502 As a computer, I find your faith in technology amusing.
10504 As a professional humorist, I often get letters from readers who are
10505 interested in the basic nature of humor. "What kind of a sick perverted
10506 disgusting person are you," these letters typically ask, "that you make
10507 jokes about setting fire to a goat?"
10510 As an adolescent I aspired to lasting fame, I craved factual certainty, and
10511 I thirsted for a meaningful vision of human life -- so I became a scientist.
10512 This is like becoming an archbishop so you can meet girls.
10515 As an adolescent I aspired to lasting fame, I craved factual certainty,
10516 and I thirsted for a meaningful vision of human life -- so I became a
10517 scientist. This is like becoming an archbishop so you can meet girls.
10520 As an Englishman, an Aussie and a Scotsman are sitting in a pub, quaffing
10521 a few, three flies buzz down from the ceiling and lazily circle each drinker.
10522 Suddenly "buzzzzzzzzplooop", each fly does a kamakazi dive into a different
10524 The Englishman take a disgusted look at his pint, dips the fly out
10525 with a spoon, flicks the fly over his shoulder, and drains the glass.
10526 The Aussie notices the fly as he puts the glass to his lips. With
10527 a quick puff he blows the bug out in a cloud of foam, and tosses the beer
10529 Then, as they both look on, awestruck, the Scotsman gently grasps the
10530 fly by its wings, lifts it out of his brew and shakes it off. Then, in a
10531 firm voice he speaks to the fly: "There y'are now laddie, safe and sound.
10532 NOW SPIT IT OOOOT!"
10534 As crazy as hauling timber into the woods.
10535 -- Quintus Horatius Flaccus (Horace)
10537 As failures go, attempting to recall the past is like trying to grasp
10538 the meaning of existence. Both make one feel like a baby clutching at
10539 a basketball: one's palms keep sliding off.
10542 As far as the laws of mathematics refer to reality, they are not certain;
10543 and as far as they are certain, they do not refer to reality.
10546 As far as we know, our computer has never had an undetected error.
10549 As flies to wanton boys are we to the gods; they kill us for their sport.
10550 -- Shakespeare, "King Lear"
10552 As for the women, though we scorn and flout 'em,
10553 We may live with, but cannot live without 'em.
10554 -- Frederic Reynolds
10556 As Gen. de Gaulle occasionally acknowledges America to be the daughter
10557 of Europe, so I am pleased to come to Yale, the daughter of Harvard.
10560 As goatherd learns his trade by goat, so writer learns his trade by wrote.
10562 As he had feared, his orders had been forgotten and everyone had brought
10565 As I argued in "Beloved Son", a book about my son Brian and the subject of
10566 religious communes and cults, one result of proper early instruction in the
10567 methods of rational thought will be to make sudden mindless conversions --
10568 to anything -- less likely. Brian now realizes this and has, after eleven
10569 years, left the sect he was associated with. The problem is that once the
10570 untrained mind has made a formal commitment to a religious philosophy --
10571 and it does not matter whether that philosophy is generally reasonable and
10572 high-minded or utterly bizarre and irrational -- the powers of reason are
10573 surprisingly ineffective in changing the believer's mind.
10576 As I bit into the nectarine, it had a crisp juiciness about it that was very
10577 pleasurable - until I realized it wasn't a nectarine at all, but A HUMAN HEAD!!
10580 As I thought, no better from this side.
10583 As I was going up Punch Card Hill,
10584 Feeling worse and worser,
10585 There I met a C.R.T.
10586 And it drop't me a cursor.
10589 Phosphors light on you!
10590 If I had fifty hours a day
10591 I'd spend them all at you.
10592 -- Uncle Colonel's Cursory Rhymes
10594 As I was passing Project MAC,
10595 I met a Quux with seven hacks.
10596 Every hack had seven bugs;
10597 Every bug had seven manifestations;
10598 Every manifestation had seven symptoms.
10599 Symptoms, manifestations, bugs, and hacks,
10600 How many losses at Project MAC?
10602 As I was walking down the street one dark and dreary day,
10603 I came upon a billboard and much to my dismay,
10604 The words were torn and tattered,
10605 From the storm the night before,
10606 The wind and rain had done its work and this is how it goes,
10608 Smoke Coca-Cola cigarettes, chew Wrigleys Spearmint beer,
10609 Ken-L-Ration dog food makes your complexion clear,
10610 Simonize your baby in a Hershey candy bar,
10611 And Texaco's a beauty cream that's used by every star.
10613 Take your next vacation in a brand new Frigedaire,
10614 Learn to play the piano in your winter underwear,
10615 Doctors say that babies should smoke until they're three,
10616 And people over sixty-five should bathe in Lipton tea.
10618 As in certain cults it is possible to
10619 kill a process if you know its true name.
10620 -- Ken Thompson and Dennis M. Ritchie
10622 As in Protestant Europe, by contrast, where sects divided endlessly into
10623 smaller competing sects and no church dominated any other, all is different
10624 in the fragmented world of IBM. That realm is now a chaos of conflicting
10625 norms and standards that not even IBM can hope to control. You can buy a
10626 computer that works like an IBM machine but contains nothing made or sold by
10627 IBM itself. Renegades from IBM constantly set up rival firms and establish
10628 standards of their own. When IBM recently abandoned some of its original
10629 standards and decreed new ones, many of its rivals declared a puritan
10630 allegiance to IBM's original faith, and denounced the company as a divisive
10631 innovator. Still, the IBM world is united by its distrust of icons and
10632 imagery. IBM's screens are designed for language, not pictures. Graven
10633 images may be tolerated by the luxurious cults, but the true IBM faith relies
10634 on the austerity of the word.
10635 -- Edward Mendelson, "The New Republic", February 22, 1988
10637 As long as I am mayor of this city [Jersey City, New Jersey] the great
10638 industries are secure. We hear about constitutional rights, free speech
10639 and the free press. Every time I hear these words I say to myself, "That
10640 man is a Red, that man is a Communist". You never hear a real American
10642 -- Frank Hague, 1896-1956
10644 As long as the answer is right, who cares if the question is wrong?
10646 As long as there are ill-defined goals, bizarre bugs, and unrealistic
10647 schedules, there will be Real Programmers willing to jump in and Solve
10648 The Problem, saving the documentation for later.
10650 As long as war is regarded as wicked, it will always have its fascination.
10651 When it is looked upon as vulgar, it will cease to be popular.
10652 -- Oscar Wilde, "Intentions"
10654 As many of you know, I am taking a class here at UNC on Personality.
10655 One of the tests to determine personality in our book was so incredibly
10656 useful and interesting, I just had to share it.
10658 Answer each of the following items "true" or "false"
10660 1. I salivate at the sight of mittens.
10661 2. If I go into the street, I'm apt to be bitten by a horse.
10662 3. Some people never look at me.
10663 4. Spinach makes me feel alone.
10664 5. My sex life is A-okay.
10665 6. When I look down from a high spot, I want to spit.
10666 7. I like to kill mosquitoes.
10667 8. Cousins are not to be trusted.
10668 9. It makes me embarrassed to fall down.
10669 10. I get nauseous from too much roller skating.
10670 11. I think most people would cry to gain a point.
10671 12. I cannot read or write.
10672 13. I am bored by thoughts of death.
10673 14. I become homicidal when people try to reason with me.
10674 15. I would enjoy the work of a chicken flicker.
10675 16. I am never startled by a fish.
10676 17. My mother's uncle was a good man.
10677 18. I don't like it when somebody is rotten.
10678 19. People who break the law are wise guys.
10679 20. I have never gone to pieces over the weekend.
10681 As many of you know, I am taking a class here at UNC on Personality.
10682 One of the tests to determine personality in our book was so incredibly
10683 useful and interesting, I just had to share it.
10685 Answer each of the following items "true" or "false"
10687 1. I think beavers work too hard.
10688 2. I use shoe polish to excess.
10690 4. I like mannish children.
10691 5. I have always been disturbed by the sight of Lincoln's ears.
10692 6. I always let people get ahead of me at swimming pools.
10693 7. Most of the time I go to sleep without saying goodbye.
10694 8. I am not afraid of picking up door knobs.
10695 9. I believe I smell as good as most people.
10696 10. Frantic screams make me nervous.
10697 11. It's hard for me to say the right thing when I find myself in a room
10699 12. I would never tell my nickname in a crisis.
10700 13. A wide necktie is a sign of disease.
10701 14. As a child I was deprived of licorice.
10702 15. I would never shake hands with a gardener.
10703 16. My eyes are always cold.
10704 17. Cousins are not to be trusted.
10705 18. When I look down from a high spot, I want to spit.
10706 19. I am never startled by a fish.
10707 20. I have never gone to pieces over the weekend.
10709 As me an' me marrer was readin' a tyape,
10710 The tyape gave a shriek mark an' tried tae escyape;
10711 It skipped ower the gyate tae the end of the field,
10712 An' jigged oot the room wi' a spool an' a reel!
10713 Follow the leader, Johnny me laddie,
10714 Follow it through, me canny lad O;
10715 Follow the transport, Johnny me laddie,
10716 Away, lad, lie away, canny lad O!
10717 -- S. Kelly-Bootle, "The Devil's DP Dictionary"
10719 As of next Thursday, UNIX will be flushed in favor of TOPS-10.
10720 Please update your programs.
10722 As of next Tuesday, C will be flushed in favor of COBOL.
10723 Please update your programs.
10725 As of next week, passwords will be entered in Morse code.
10727 As part of an ongoing effort to keep you, the Fortune reader, abreast of
10728 the valuable information the daily crosses the USENET, Fortune presents:
10730 News articles that answer *your* questions, #1:
10732 Newsgroups: comp.sources.d
10733 Subject: how do I run C code received from sources
10734 Keywords: C sources
10737 I do not know how to run the C programs that are posted in the
10738 sources newsgroup. I save the files, edit them to remove the
10739 headers, and change the mode so that they are executable, but I
10740 cannot get them to run. (I have never written a C program before.)
10742 Must they be compiled? With what compiler? How do I do this? If
10743 I compile them, is an object code file generated or must I generate
10744 it explicitly with the > character? Is there something else that
10747 As part of the conversion, computer specialists rewrote 1,500 programs;
10748 a process that traditionally requires some debugging.
10749 -- USA Today, referring to the Internal Revenue Service
10750 conversion to a new computer system.
10752 As some day it may happen that a victim must be found
10753 I've got a little list -- I've got a little list
10754 Of society offenders who might well be underground
10755 And who never would be missed -- who never would be missed.
10756 -- Koko, "The Mikado"
10758 As soon as we started programming, we found to our surprise that it wasn't
10759 as easy to get programs right as we had thought. Debugging had to be
10760 discovered. I can remember the exact instant when I realized that a large
10761 part of my life from then on was going to be spent in finding mistakes in
10763 -- Maurice Wilkes, designer of EDSAC, on programming, 1949
10765 As the poet said, "Only God can make a tree" -- probably
10766 because it's so hard to figure out how to get the bark on.
10769 As the system comes up, the component builders will from time to time appear,
10770 bearing hot new versions of their pieces -- faster, smaller, more complete,
10771 or putatively less buggy. The replacement of a working component by a new
10772 version requires the same systematic testing procedure that adding a new
10773 component does, although it should require less time, for more complete and
10774 efficient test cases will usually be available.
10775 -- Frederick Brooks Jr., "The Mythical Man Month"
10777 As to Jesus of Nazareth... I think the system of Morals and his Religion,
10778 as he left them to us, the best the World ever saw or is likely to see;
10779 but I apprehend it has received various corrupting Changes, and I have,
10780 with most of the present Dissenters in England, some doubts as to his
10782 -- Benjamin Franklin
10784 As well look for a needle in a bottle of hay.
10785 -- Miguel de Cervantes
10787 As Will Rogers would have said,
10788 "There is no such things as a free variable."
10790 As with most fine things, chocolate has its season. There is a simple memory
10791 aid that you can use to determine whether it is the correct time to order
10792 chocolate dishes: Any month whose name contains the letter A, E, or U is the
10793 proper time for chocolate.
10794 -- Sandra Boynton, "Chocolate: The Consuming Passion"
10796 As you grow older, you will still do foolish things,
10797 but you will do them with much more enthusiasm.
10800 As you will see, I told them, in no uncertain terms, to see Figure one.
10801 -- Dave "First Strike" Pare
10803 As Zeus said to Narcissus, "Watch yourself."
10806 The control code for all beginning programmers and those who would
10807 become computer literate. Etymologically, the term has come down as
10808 a contraction of the often-repeated phrase "ascii and you shall
10812 ASCII a stupid question, you get an EBCDIC answer.
10814 ASHes to ASHes, DOS to DOS.
10816 Ashes to ashes, dust to dust,
10817 If God won't have you, the devil must.
10819 Ask five economists and you'll get five different explanations (six if
10820 one went to Harvard).
10821 -- Edgar R. Fiedler
10823 Ask not for whom the Bell tolls, and you
10824 will pay only the station-to-station rate.
10827 Ask not for whom the telephone bell tolls...
10828 if thou art in the bathtub, it tolls for thee.
10830 Ask not what's inside your head, but what your head's inside of.
10833 Ask yourself whether you are happy and you cease to be so.
10834 -- John Stuart Mill
10836 Asked how she felt being the first woman to make a major-league team, she
10837 said, "Like a pig in mud," or words to that effect, and then turned and
10838 released a squirt of tobacco juice from the wad of rum soaked plug in her
10839 right cheek. She chewed a rare brand of plug called Stuff It, which she
10840 learned to chew when she was playing Nicaraguan summer ball. She told the
10841 writers, "They were so mean to me down there you couldn't write it in your
10842 newspaper. I took a gun everywhere I went, even to bed. *Especially* to
10843 bed. Guys were after me like you can't believe. That's when I started
10844 chewing tobacco -- because no matter how bad anybody treats you, it's not
10845 as bad as this. This is the worst chew in the world. After this,
10846 everything else is peaches and cream." The writers elected Gentleman Jim,
10847 the Sparrow's P.R. guy, to bite off a chunk and tell them how it tasted,
10848 and as he sat and chewed it tears ran down his old sunburnt cheeks and he
10849 couldn't talk for a while. Then he whispered, "You've been chewing this for
10850 two years? God, I had no idea it was so hard to be a woman."
10851 -- Garrison Keillor
10853 Asking a working writer what he thinks about critics is like asking a
10854 lamp-post how it feels about dogs.
10855 -- Christopher Hampton
10857 Assembly language experience is [important] for the maturity
10858 and understanding of how computers work that it provides.
10861 Associate with well-mannered persons and your manners will improve. Run
10862 with decent folk and your own decent instincts will be strengthened. Keep
10863 the company of bums and you will become a bum. Hang around with rich people
10864 and you will end by picking up the check and dying broke.
10867 Astrology... just a bunch of Taurus.
10869 Asynchronous inputs are at the root of our race problems.
10870 -- D. Winker and F. Prosser
10872 At about 2500 A.D., humankind discovers a computer problem that *must* be
10873 solved. The only difficulty is that the problem is NP complete and will
10874 take thousands of years even with the latest optical biologic technology
10875 available. The best computer scientists sit down to think up some solution.
10876 In great dismay, one of the C.S. people tells her husband about it. There
10877 is only one solution, he says. Remember physics 103, Modern Physics, general
10878 relativity and all. She replies, "What does that have to do with solving
10879 a computer problem?"
10880 "Remember the twin paradox?"
10881 After a few minutes, she says, "I could put the computer on a very
10882 fast machine and the computer would have just a few minutes to calculate but
10883 that is the exact opposite of what we want... Of course! Leave the
10884 computer here, and accelerate the earth!"
10885 The problem was so important that they did exactly that. When
10886 the earth came back, they were presented with the answer:
10888 IEH032 Error in JOB Control Card.
10890 At ebb tide I wrote a line upon the sand, and gave it all my heart and all
10891 my soul. At flood tide I returned to read what I had inscribed and found my
10892 ignorance upon the shore.
10895 At first sight, the idea of any rules or principles being superimposed on
10896 the creative mind seems more likely to hinder than to help, but this is
10897 quite untrue in practice. Disciplined thinking focuses inspiration rather
10899 -- G.L. Glegg, "The Design of Design"
10901 At Group L, Stoffel oversees six first-rate programmers,
10902 a managerial challenge roughly comparable to herding cats.
10903 -- "The Washington Post Magazine", June 9, 1985
10905 At last I've found the girl of my dreams. Last night she said to me,
10906 "Once more, Strange, and this time *I'll* be Donnie and *you* be Marie.
10909 At least I thought I was dancing, 'til somebody stepped on my hand.
10912 At no time is freedom of speech more precious than when a man hits his
10913 thumb with a hammer.
10914 -- Marshall Lumsden
10916 At once it struck me what quality went to form a man of achievement,
10917 especially in literature, and which Shakespeare possessed so enormously
10918 -- I mean negative capability, that is, when a man is capable of being
10919 in uncertainties, mysteries, doubts, without any irritable reaching
10920 after fact and reason.
10923 At social gatherings, I would amuse everyone by standing uponst the
10924 coffee table and striking meself repeatedly upon the head with a brick.
10927 At the end of your life there'll be a good rest,
10928 and no further activities are scheduled.
10930 At the foot of the mountain, thunder:
10931 The image of Providing Nourishment.
10932 Thus the superior man is careful of his words
10933 And temperate in eating and drinking.
10935 At the heart of science is an essential tension between two seemingly
10936 contradictory attitudes -- an openness to new ideas, no matter how bizarre
10937 or counterintuitive they may be, and the most ruthless skeptical scrutiny
10938 of all ideas, old and new. This is how deep truths are winnowed from deep
10939 nonsense. Of course, scientists make mistakes in trying to understand the
10940 world, but there is a built-in error-correcting mechanism: The collective
10941 enterprise of creative thinking and skeptical thinking together keeps the
10943 -- Carl Sagan, "The Fine Art of Baloney Detection"
10945 At the hospital, a doctor is training an intern on how to announce bad news
10946 to the patients. The doctor tells the intern "This man in 305 is going to
10947 die in six months. Go in and tell him." The intern boldly walks into the
10948 room, over to the man's bedside and tells him "Seems like you're gonna die!"
10949 The man has a heart attack and is rushed into surgery on the spot. The doctor
10950 grabs the intern and screams at him, "What!?!? are you some kind of moron?
10951 You've got to take it easy, work your way up to the subject. Now this man in
10952 213 has about a week to live. Go in and tell him, but, gently, you hear me,
10954 The intern goes softly into the room, humming to himself, cheerily
10955 opens the drapes to let the sun in, walks over to the man's bedside, fluffs
10956 his pillow and wishes him a "Good morning!" "Wonderful day, no? Say...
10957 guess who's going to die soon!"
10959 At the source of every error which is blamed on the computer you will find
10960 at least two human errors, including the error of blaming it on the computer.
10962 At these prices, I lose money -- but I make it up in volume.
10963 -- Peter G. Alaquon
10965 At times discretion should be thrown aside,
10966 and with the foolish we should play the fool.
10969 At work, the authority of a person is inversely proportional to the
10970 number of pens that person is carrying.
10972 Atheism is a non-prophet organization.
10975 An entire city surrounded by an airport.
10977 Atlee is a very modest man. And with reason.
10978 -- Winston Churchill
10980 Attorney General Edwin Meese III explained why the Supreme Court's Miranda
10981 decision (holding that subjects have a right to remain silent and have a
10982 lawyer present during questioning) is unnecessary: "You don't have many
10983 suspects who are innocent of a crime. That's contradictory. If a person
10984 is innocent of a crime, then he is not a suspect."
10985 -- U.S. News and World Report, 10/14/85
10988 A gyp off the old block.
10990 Audacity, and again, audacity, and always audacity.
10994 Someone who listens to the equipment instead of the music.
10996 Auribus teneo lupum.
10997 [I hold a wolf by the ears.]
11000 Indubitably true, in somebody's opinion.
11002 Authors are easy to get on with -- if you're fond of children.
11003 -- Michael Joseph, "Observer"
11006 A four-wheeled vehicle that runs up hills and down pedestrians.
11010 Avert misunderstanding by calm, poise, and balance.
11012 Avoid cliches like the plague.
11013 They're a dime a dozen.
11015 Avoid gunfire in the bathroom tonight.
11017 Avoid Quiet and Placid persons unless you are in Need of Sleep.
11019 Avoid reality at all costs.
11021 Avoid revolution or expect to get shot. Mother and I will grieve, but
11022 we will gladly buy a dinner for the National Guardsman who shot you.
11023 -- Dr. Paul Williamson, father of a Kent State student
11025 Avoid strange women and temporary variables.
11027 Awash with unfocused desire, Everett twisted the lobe of his one remaining
11028 ear and felt the presence of somebody else behind him, which caused terror
11029 to push through his nervous system like a flash flood roaring down the
11030 mid-fork of the Feather River before the completion of the Oroville Dam
11032 -- Grand Panjandrum's Special Award, 1984 Bulwer-Lytton
11033 bad fiction contest.
11035 [Babe] Ruth made a big mistake when he gave up pitching.
11036 -- Tris Speaker, 1921
11039 A convenient deity invented by the ancients
11040 as an excuse for getting drunk.
11043 A guy who is footloose and fiancee-free.
11046 A man who chases women and never Mrs. one.
11048 Back in '80 or '81 the workers were rioting in Gdansk and there were fears
11049 that the Soviets would invade Poland to put down the demonstrations. Foreign
11050 correspondents were curious as to just what the Poles would do if they were
11051 invaded. They asked, "What will you do if the East Germans invade from the
11052 West and the Soviets invade from the East? Who will you fight first?"
11053 To which the Poles replied, "Why, we will fight the Germans first.
11054 Business before pleasure."
11056 Back in the early 60's, touch tone phones only had 10 buttons. Some
11057 military versions had 16, while the 12 button jobs were used only by people
11058 who had "diva" (digital inquiry, voice answerback) systems -- mainly banks.
11059 Since in those days, only Western Electric made "data sets" (modems) the
11060 problems of terminology were all Bell System. We used to struggle with
11061 written descriptions of dial pads that were unfamiliar to most people
11062 (most phones were rotary then.) Partly in jest, some AT&T engineering
11063 types (there was no marketing in the good old days, which is why they were
11064 the good old days) made up the term "octalthorpe" (note spelling) to denote
11065 the "pound sign." Presumably because it has 8 points sticking out. It
11066 never really caught on.
11068 Back when I was a boy, it was 40 miles to everywhere,
11069 uphill both ways and it was always snowing.
11071 BACKWARD CONDITIONING:
11072 Putting saliva in a dog's mouth in an attempt to make a bell ring.
11074 Bacons not the only thing that's cured by hanging from a string.
11076 BAD CRAZINESS, MAN!!!
11078 Bad men live that they may eat and drink,
11079 whereas good men eat and drink that they may live.
11082 Bagdikian's Observation:
11083 Trying to be a first-rate reporter on the average American newspaper
11084 is like trying to play Bach's "St. Matthew Passion" on a ukulele.
11086 Bahdges? We don't need no stinkin' bahdges!
11087 -- "The Treasure of Sierra Madre"
11089 Baker's First Law of Federal Geometry:
11090 A block grant is a solid mass of money
11091 surrounded on all sides by governors.
11096 Fear of opening one's eyes.
11100 Fear of being buried alive.
11109 A wharf-rat stealing Diogenes' lamp.
11111 Ban the bomb. Save the world for conventional warfare.
11113 Banacek's Eighteenth Polish Proverb:
11114 The hippo has no sting, but the wise
11115 man would rather be sat upon by the bee.
11117 Bank error in your favor. Collect $200.
11120 An alcoholic is a person who drinks more than his own physician.
11122 Barbara's Rules of Bitter Experience:
11123 (1) When you empty a drawer for his clothes
11124 and a shelf for his toiletries, the relationship ends.
11125 (2) When you finally buy pretty stationary
11126 to continue the correspondence, he stops writing.
11129 Proofreading is more effective after publication.
11132 An ingenious instrument which indicates
11133 what kind of weather we are having.
11135 Base 8 is just like base 10, if you are missing two fingers.
11138 Baseball is a skilled game. It's America's game -- it, and high taxes.
11141 Baseball is a skilled game. It's America's game - it, and high taxes.
11142 -- The Best of Will Rogers
11144 Based on what you know about him in history books, what do you think
11145 Abraham Lincoln would be doing if he were alive today?
11147 (1) Writing his memoirs of the Civil War.
11148 (2) Advising the President.
11149 (3) Desperately clawing at the inside of his coffin.
11153 A programming language. Related to certain social diseases
11154 in that those who have it will not admit it in polite company.
11156 Basic Definitions of Science:
11157 If it's green or wiggles, it's biology.
11158 If it stinks, it's chemistry.
11159 If it doesn't work, it's physics.
11161 Basic is a high level languish.
11163 BASIC is to computer programming as QWERTY is to typing.
11166 Basically my wife was immature. I'd be at home in the bath and she'd
11167 come in and sink my boats.
11170 Batteries not included.
11173 A method of untying with the teeth a political knot that
11174 will not yield to the tongue.
11177 Be a better psychiatrist and the world
11178 will beat a psychopath to your door.
11180 BE A LOOF! (There has been a recent population explosion of lerts.)
11182 BE ALERT!!!! (The world needs more lerts...)
11184 Be both a speaker of words and a doer of deeds.
11187 Be careful! Is it classified?
11189 Be careful! UGLY strikes 9 out of 10!
11191 Be careful how you get yourself involved with persons or
11192 situations that can't bear inspection.
11194 Be careful of reading health books, you might die of a misprint.
11197 Be careful what you set your heart on -- for it will surely be yours.
11198 -- James Baldwin, "Nobody Knows My Name"
11200 Be careful when a loop exits to the same place from side and bottom.
11202 Be careful when you bite into your hamburger.
11205 Be cautious in your daily affairs.
11207 Be cheerful while you are alive.
11208 -- Phathotep, 24th Century B.C.
11210 Be circumspect in your liaisons with women. It is better
11211 to be seen at the opera with a man than at mass with a woman.
11214 Be different: conform.
11216 Be frank and explicit with your lawyer ... it is his business to confuse
11217 the issue afterwards.
11219 Be free and open and breezy! Enjoy!
11220 Things won't get any better so get used to it.
11222 Be incomprehensible. If they can't understand, they can't disagree.
11225 Insult a rich relative today.
11227 Be it our wealth, our jobs, or even our homes;
11228 nothing is safe while the legislature is in session.
11230 Be nice to people on the way up, because you'll meet them on your way down.
11233 Be not anxious about what you have, but about what you are.
11234 -- Pope St. Gregory I
11236 Be open to other people -- they may enrich your dream.
11238 Be prepared to accept sacrifices.
11239 Vestal virgins aren't all that bad.
11241 Be regular and orderly in your life, so that you may be violent
11242 and original in your work.
11245 Be security conscious -- National Defense is at stake.
11247 Be self-reliant and your success is assured.
11250 Speak to the person next to you in the unemployment line tomorrow.
11252 Be sure to evaluate the bird-hand/bush ratio.
11254 Be valiant, but not too venturous.
11255 Let thy attire be comely, but not costly.
11258 Beam me up, Scotty!
11260 Beam me up, Scotty! It ate my phaser!
11262 Beam me up, Scotty, there's no intelligent life down here!
11264 Beat your son every day; you may not know why, but he will.
11267 What's in your eye when you have a bee in your hand.
11269 Beauty and harmony are as necessary to you as the very breath of life.
11271 Beauty, brains, availability, personality; pick any two.
11273 Beauty is one of the rare things which does not lead to doubt of God.
11276 Beauty is truth, truth beauty, that is all
11277 Ye know on earth, and all ye need to know.
11280 Beauty may be skin deep, but ugly goes clear to the bone.
11284 Because I do not hope,
11285 Because I do not hope to survive
11286 Injustice from the Palace, death from the air,
11287 Because I do, only do,
11291 Because the wine remembers.
11293 Because we don't think about future generations,
11294 they will never forget us.
11298 What did you bring back for me?
11300 Been Transferred Lately?
11302 Beer -- it's not just for breakfast anymore.
11304 Beer & Pretzels -- Breakfast of Champions.
11306 Before borrowing money from a friend, decide which you need more.
11307 -- Addison H. Hallock
11309 Before destruction a man's heart is
11310 haughty, but humility goes before honour.
11313 ...before I could come to any conclusion it occurred to me that my speech
11314 or my silence, indeed any action of mine, would be a mere futility. What
11315 did it matter what anyone knew or ignored? What did it matter who was
11316 manager? One gets sometimes such a flash of insight. The essentials of
11317 this affair lay deep under the surface, beyond my reach, and beyond my
11321 Before I knew the best part of my life had come, it had gone.
11323 Before marriage the three little words are "I love you," after marriage
11324 they are "Let's eat out."
11326 Before Xerox, five carbons were the maximum extension of anybody's ego.
11328 Before you ask more questions, think about whether
11329 you really want to know the answers.
11330 -- Gene Wolfe, "The Claw of the Conciliator"
11332 Beggar to well-dressed businessman:
11333 "Could you spare $20.95 for a fifth of Chivas?"
11335 Beggars should be no choosers.
11338 Behind every argument is someone's ignorance.
11340 Behind every great computer sits a skinny little geek.
11342 Behind every successful man you'll find a woman with nothing to wear.
11344 Behold the fool saith, "Put not all thine eggs in the one basket" -- which
11345 is but a manner of saying, "Scatter your money and your attention"; but
11346 the wise man saith, "Put all your eggs in the one basket and -- watch that
11350 Behold the unborn foetus and
11351 Weep salt tears crocodilian;
11352 All life is sacred (save, of course,
11353 An enemy civilian).
11355 Behold the warranty -- the bold print
11356 giveth and the fine print taketh away.
11358 Being a mime means never having to say you're sorry.
11360 Being a miner, as soon as you're too old and tired and sick and
11361 stupid to do your job properly, you have to go, where the very
11362 opposite applies with the judges.
11363 -- Beyond the Fringe
11365 Being a woman is a terribly difficult trade,
11366 since it consists principally of dealings with men.
11369 Being asked solicitously about the state of her health was becoming bothersome
11370 to the pregnant woman at the cocktail party. And yet another guest went over
11371 and inquired, "Well, how are you feeling these days?"
11372 "Not too well," said the expectant mother. "You know, I've missed
11373 seven or eight periods now and it's beginning to worry me."
11375 Being frustrated is disagreeable, but the real
11376 disasters in life begin when you get what you want.
11378 Being in politics is like being a football coach. You have to be smart
11379 enough to understand the game and dumb enough to think it's important.
11382 Being in the army is like being in the Boy Scouts, except that the
11383 Boy Scouts have adult supervision.
11386 Being owned by someone used to be called
11387 slavery -- now it's called commitment.
11389 Being popular is important. Otherwise people might not like you.
11391 Being stoned on marijuana isn't very
11392 different from being stoned on gin.
11395 Being the #2 man in the Justice Department under Ed Meese is akin to
11396 standing next to a lamp post infested with pigeons.
11397 -- unnamed Justice Department official
11399 Being ugly isn't illegal. Yet.
11402 Something you do not believe.
11404 Believe everything you hear about the world; nothing is too
11406 -- Honore de Balzac
11408 Bell Labs Unix - Reach out and grep someone.
11410 Ben, why didn't you tell me?
11413 Bennett's Laws of Horticulture:
11414 (1) Houses are for people to live in.
11415 (2) Gardens are for plants to live in.
11416 (3) There is no such thing as a houseplant.
11419 ASCII is our god, and Unix is his profit.
11421 Bernard Shaw is an excellent man; he has not an enemy in the world, and
11422 none of his friends like him either.
11425 Bernard was a young eighty-three, not a gomer, and able to talk. He'd been
11426 transferred from MBH (Man's Best Hospital), the House's Rival. Founded in
11427 Colonial times by the WASPs, the insemination fo MBH by non-WASPs had taken
11428 place only mid-twentieth century with the token multidextrous Oriental
11429 surgeon, and finally, with the token red-hot internal-medicine Jew. Yet,
11430 MBH was still Brooks Brothers, while the House was still the Garment District.
11431 For Jews at MBH the password was "Dress British, Think Yiddish." It was
11432 rare to get a TURF from the MBH to the House, and the Fat Man was curious:
11433 "Bernard, you went to the MBH, they did a great work-up, and you told them,
11434 after they got done, you wanted to be transferred here. Why?"
11435 "I rilly don't know," said Bernard.
11436 "Was it the doctors there? The doctors you didn't like?"
11437 "The doctus? Nah, the doctus I can't complain."
11438 "The test or the room?"
11439 "The tests or the room? Vell, nah, about them I can't complain."
11440 "The nurses? The food?" asked Fats, but Bernard shook his head no.
11441 Fats laughed and said, "Listen , Bernie, you went to the MBH, they did this
11442 great workup, and when I asked you shy you came to the House of God, all you
11443 tell me is, 'Nah, I can't complain.' So why did you come here? Why, Bernie,
11445 "Vhy I come heah? Vell, said Bernie, "Heah I can complain."
11448 Bershere's Formula for Failure:
11449 There are only two kinds of people who fail: those who
11450 listen to nobody... and those who listen to everybody.
11452 Besides the device, the box should contain:
11453 * Eight little rectangular snippets of paper that say "WARNING"
11454 * A plastic packet containing four 5/17 inch pilfer grommets and two
11455 club-ended 6/93 inch boxcar prawns.
11457 YOU WILL NEED TO SUPPLY: a matrix wrench and 60,000 feet of tram cable.
11459 IF ANYTHING IS DAMAGED OR MISSING: You IMMEDIATELY should turn to your spouse
11460 and say: "Margaret, you know why this country can't make a car that can get
11461 all the way through the drive-through at Burger King without a major
11462 transmission overhaul? Because nobody cares, that's why."
11464 WARNING: This is assuming your spouse's name is Margaret.
11467 Best Beer: A panel of tasters assembled by the Consumer's Union in 1969
11468 judged Coors and Miller's High Life to be among the very best. Those who
11469 doubt that beer is a serious subject might ponder its effect on American
11470 history. For example, New England's first colonists decided to drop anchor
11471 at Plymouth Rock instead of continuing on to Virginia because, as one of
11472 them put it, "We could not now take time for further consideration, our
11473 victuals being spent and especially our beer."
11474 -- Felton & Fowler's Best, Worst & Most Unusual
11476 Best Mistakes In Films
11477 In his "Filgoer's Companion", Mr. Leslie Halliwell helpfully lists
11478 four of the cinema's greatest moments which you should get to see if at all
11480 In "Carmen Jones", the camera tracks with Dorothy Dandridge down a
11481 street; and the entire film crew is reflected in the shop window.
11482 In "The Wrong Box", the roofs of Victorian London are emblazoned
11483 with television aerials.
11484 In "Decameron Nights", Louis Jourdain stands on the deck of his
11485 fourteenth century pirate ship; and a white lorry trundles down the hill
11487 In "Viking Queen", set in the times of Boadicea, a wrist watch is
11488 clearly visible on one of the leading characters.
11489 -- Stephen Pile, "The Book of Heroic Failures"
11491 Best of all is never to have been born.
11492 Second best is to die soon.
11495 To voluntarily entrust one's data, one's livelihood and one's
11496 sanity to hardware or software intended to destroy all three.
11497 In earlier days, virgins were often selected to beta test volcanos.
11499 Better by far you should forget and
11500 smile than that you should remember and be sad.
11501 -- Christina Rossetti
11503 Better hope the life-inspector doesn't come
11504 around while you have your life in such a mess.
11506 Better hope you get what you want before you stop wanting it.
11508 Better late than never.
11509 -- Titus Livius (Livy)
11511 Better living a beggar than buried an emperor.
11513 Better the prince of some inferior court,
11514 Than second, or less, in beatific light.
11515 -- Lucifer, Joost van den Vondel's "Lucifer"
11517 Better to be nouveau than never to have been riche at all.
11519 Better to light one candle than to curse the darkness.
11520 -- motto of the Christopher Society
11522 Better to use medicines at the outset than at the last moment.
11524 Better tried by twelve than carried by six.
11527 Between 1950 and 1952, a bored weatherman, stationed north of Hudson Bay,
11528 left a monument that neither government nor time can eradicate. Using a
11529 bulldozer abandoned by the Air Force, he spent two years and great effort
11530 pushing boulders into a single word.
11531 It can be seen from 10,000 feet, silhouetted against the snow.
11532 Government officials exchanged memos full of circumlocutions (no Latin
11533 equivalent exists) but failed to word an appropriation bill for the
11534 destruction of this cairn, that wouldn't alert the press and embarrass both
11535 Parliament and Party.
11536 It stands today, a monument to human spirit. If life exists on other
11537 planets, this may be the first message received from us.
11538 -- The Realist, November, 1964.
11540 Between grand theft and a legal fee, there only stands a law degree.
11542 Between infinite and short there is a big difference.
11550 -- T.S. Eliot, "The Hollow Man"
11552 [Quoted in "VMS Internals and Data Structures", V4.4, when
11553 referring to system service dispatching.]
11555 BEWARE! People acting under the influence of human nature.
11557 Beware of a dark-haired man with a loud tie.
11559 Beware of a tall black man with one blond shoe.
11561 Beware of a tall blond man with one black shoe.
11563 Beware of all enterprises that require new clothes, and not rather
11564 a new wearer of clothes.
11565 -- Henry David Thoreau
11569 Beware of bugs in the above code;
11570 I have only proved it correct, not tried it.
11573 Beware of friends who are false and deceitful.
11575 Beware of geeks bearing graft.
11577 Beware of low-flying butterflies.
11579 Beware of mathematicians and all those who make empty prophecies. The
11580 danger already exists that the mathematicians have made covenant with
11581 the devil to darken the spirit and to confine man in the bonds of hell.
11584 Beware of Programmers who carry screwdrivers.
11585 -- Leonard Brandwein
11587 Beware of strong drink. It can make you
11588 shoot at tax collectors -- and miss.
11589 -- Lazarus Long, "Time Enough For Love"
11591 Beware of the man who knows the answer before he understands the question.
11593 "Beware of the man who works hard to learn something, learns it, and finds
11594 himself no wiser than before," Bokonon tells us. "He is full of murderous
11595 resentment of people who are ignorant without having come by their
11596 ignorance the hard way."
11599 Beware of the Turing Tar-pit in which everything
11600 is possible but nothing of interest is easy.
11602 Beware the new TTY code!
11604 Beware the one behind you.
11607 When *everybody* thinks you're a pervert.
11609 Bierman's Laws of Contracts:
11610 (1) In any given document, you can't cover all the "what if's".
11611 (2) Lawyers stay in business resolving all the unresolved "what if's".
11612 (3) Every resolved "what if" creates two unresolved "what if's".
11614 Big book, big bore.
11617 Big M, Little M, many mumbling mice
11618 Are making midnight music in the moonlight,
11621 Bigamy is having one spouse too many. Monogamy is the same.
11623 Biggest security gap -- an open mouth.
11626 You cannot count friends that are all packed up in barrels.
11628 Bill Dickey is learning me his experience.
11629 -- Yogi Berra in his rookie season.
11631 Billy: Mom, you know that vase you said was handed down from
11632 generation to generation?
11634 Billy: Well, this generation dropped it.
11636 Bingo, gas station, hamburger with a side order of airplane noise,
11637 and you'll be Gary, Indiana.
11638 -- Jessie, "Greaser's Palace"
11641 Don't try to stem the tide -- move the beach.
11643 Biology grows on you.
11645 Biology is the only science in which
11646 multiplication means the same thing as division.
11648 Birds and bees have as much to do with the facts of life as black
11649 nightgowns do with keeping warm.
11650 -- Hester Mundis, "Powermom"
11652 Birds are entangled by their feet and men by their tongues.
11655 The first and direst of all disasters.
11658 Birthdays are like busses, never the number you want.
11660 Bistromathics is simply a revolutionary new way of understanding the
11661 behavior of numbers. Just as Einstein observed that space was not an
11662 absolute, but depended on the observer's movement in space, and that
11663 time was not an absolute, but depended on the observer's movement in
11664 time, so it is now realized that numbers are not absolute, but depend
11665 on the observer's movement in restaurants.
11669 A unit of measure applied to color. Twenty-four-bit color
11670 refers to expensive $3 color as opposed to the cheaper 25
11671 cent, or two-bit, color that use to be available a few years
11674 Bit off more than my mind could chew,
11675 Shower or suicide, what do I do?
11676 -- Julie Brown, "Will I Make it Through the Eighties?"
11680 Bizarreness is the essence of the exotic.
11682 Black people have never rioted. A riot is what white people think blacks
11683 are involved in when they burn stores.
11686 Black shiny mollies and bright colored guppies,
11687 Shy little angels as gentle as puppies,
11688 Swimming and diving with scarcely a swish,
11689 They were just some of my tropical fish.
11691 Then I got mantas that sting in the water,
11692 Deadly piranhas that itch for a slaughter,
11693 Savage male betas that bite with a squish,
11694 Now I have many less tropical fish.
11698 That's an empty wish.
11699 Just dump them together
11700 And leave them alone,
11701 And soon you will have -- no fish.
11702 -- To My Favorite Things
11704 Blackout, heatwave, .44 caliber homicide,
11705 The bums drop dead and the dogs go mad in packs on the West Side,
11706 A young girl standing on a ledge, looks like another suicide,
11707 She wants to hit those bricks,
11708 'cause the news at six got to stick to a deadline,
11709 While the millionaires hide in Beekman place,
11710 The bag ladies throw their bones in my face,
11711 I get attacked by a kid with stereo sound,
11712 I don't want to hear it but he won't turn it down...
11713 -- Billy Joel, "Glass Houses"
11715 Blame Saint Andreas -- it's all his fault.
11717 Blessed are the forgetful: for they
11718 get the better even of their blunders.
11721 Blessed are the meek for they shall inhibit the earth.
11723 Blessed are the young, for they shall inherit the national debt.
11726 Blessed are they that have nothing to say, and who cannot be persuaded
11728 -- James Russell Lowell
11730 Blessed are they who Go Around in Circles,
11731 for they Shall be Known as Wheels.
11733 Blessed is he who expects no gratitude, for he shall not be disappointed.
11736 Blessed is he who expects nothing, for he shall never be disappointed.
11739 Blessed is he who has reached the point of no return and knows it,
11740 for he shall enjoy living.
11743 Blessed is the man who, having nothing to say,
11744 abstains from giving wordy evidence of the fact.
11747 Blinding speed can compensate for a lot of deficiencies.
11751 Using anything BUT a hammer to hammer a nail into the
11752 wall, such as shoes, lamp bases, doorstops, etc.
11753 -- "Sniglets", Rich Hall & Friends
11755 Blood is thicker than water, and much tastier.
11757 Bloom's Seventh Law of Litigation:
11758 The judge's jokes are always funny.
11760 Blow it out your ear.
11763 [Funny to Jack Slingwine, Guy Harris and Hal Pierson. Ed.]
11766 Nothing is impossible for the man who will not listen to reason.
11768 Body by Nautilus, Brain by Mattel.
11770 Boling's postulate:
11771 If you're feeling good, don't worry. You'll get over it.
11773 Bolub's Fourth Law of Computerdom:
11774 Project teams detest weekly progress reporting because it so
11775 vividly manifests their lack of progress.
11777 Bond reflected that good Americans were fine people and that most of them
11778 seemed to come from Texas.
11779 -- Ian Fleming, "Casino Royale"
11781 Bondage maybe, discipline never!
11784 Bones: "The man's DEAD, Jim!"
11787 You always find something in the last place you look.
11790 An ounce of application is worth a ton of abstraction.
11793 A person who talks when you wish him to listen.
11797 According to the Oxford English Dictionary, in the Middle Ages the
11798 words "boss" and "botch" were largely synonymous, except that boss,
11799 in addition to meaning "a supervisor of workers" also meant "an
11803 An outdoor Betty Ford Clinic.
11806 Ludwig van Beethoven being jeered by 50,000 sports
11807 fans for finishing second in the Irish jig competition.
11809 Both models are identical in performance, functional operation, and
11810 interface circuit details. The two models, however, are not compatible
11811 on the same communications line connection.
11812 -- Bell System Technical Reference
11814 Boucher's Observation:
11815 He who blows his own horn always plays the music
11816 several octaves higher than originally written.
11818 Bounders get bound when they are caught bounding.
11822 Talent goes where the action is.
11825 If an experiment works, you must be using the wrong equipment.
11829 Boy, get your head out of the stars above,
11830 You get the maximum pleasure from a minimum of love.
11831 Save your heart and let your body be enough,
11832 To get the maximum pleasure from a minimum of love.
11833 Save your heart and let your body be enough,
11834 And get the maximum pleasure from a minimum of love.
11835 -- Mac Macinelli, "Minimum Love"
11837 Boy, I sure wish that I could be in the
11838 'Advanced Systems Development' group!
11841 A noise with dirt on it.
11843 Boy, that crayon sure did hurt!
11845 Boycott meat - suck your thumb.
11847 Boys will be boys, and so will a lot of middle-aged men.
11850 Bozo is the Brotherhood of Zips and Others. Bozos are people who band
11851 together for fun and profit. They have no jobs. Anybody who goes on a
11852 tour is a Bozo. Why does a Bozo cross the street? Because there's a Bozo
11853 on the other side. It comes from the phrase vos otros, meaning others.
11854 They're the huge, fat, middle waist. The archetype is an Irish drunk
11855 clown with red hair and nose, and pale skin. Fields, William Bendix.
11856 Everybody tends to drift toward Bozoness. It has Oz in it. They mean
11857 well. They're straight-looking except they've got inflatable shoes. They
11858 like their comforts. The Bozos have learned to enjoy their free time,
11859 which is all the time.
11860 -- Firesign Theatre, "If Bees Lived Inside Your Head"
11862 Brace yourselves. We're about to try something that borders on the unique:
11863 an actually rather serious technical book which is not only (gasp) vehemently
11864 anti-Solemn, but also (shudder) takes sides. I tend to think of it as
11865 `Constructive Snottiness.'
11866 -- Mike Padlipsky, "Elements of Networking Style"
11869 If computers get too powerful, we can organize
11870 them into a committee -- that will do them in.
11872 Brady's First Law of Problem Solving:
11873 When confronted by a difficult problem, you can solve it more
11874 easily by reducing it to the question, "How would the Lone Ranger
11875 have handled this?"
11877 Brahma said: Well, after hearing ten thousand explanations, a fool is no
11878 wiser. But an intelligent man needs only two thousand five hundred.
11881 Brain fried -- core dumped
11884 The apparatus with which we think that we think.
11885 -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
11887 brain, v: [as in "to brain"]
11888 To rebuke bluntly, but not pointedly; to dispel a source
11889 of error in an opponent.
11890 -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
11892 brain-damaged, generalization of "Honeywell Brain Damage" (HBD), a
11893 theoretical disease invented to explain certain utter cretinisms in
11895 Obviously wrong; cretinous; demented. There is an implication
11896 that the person responsible must have suffered brain damage,
11897 because he/she should have known better. Calling something
11898 brain-damaged is bad; it also implies it is unusable.
11900 Brandy Davis, an outfielder and teammate of mine with the Pittsburgh Pirates,
11901 is my choice for team captain. Cincinnati was beating us 3-1, and I led
11902 off the bottom of the eighth with a walk. The next hitter banged a hard
11903 single to right field. Feeling the wind at my back, I rounded second and
11904 kept going, sliding safely into third base.
11905 With runners at first and third, and home-run hitter Ralph Kiner at
11906 bat, our manager put in the fast Brandy Davis to run for the player at first.
11907 Even with Kiner hitting and a change to win the game with a home run, Brandy
11908 took off for second and made it. Now we had runners at second and third.
11909 I'm standing at third, knowing I'm not going anywhere, and see Brandy
11910 start to take a lead. All of a sudden, here he comes. He makes a great slide
11911 into third, and I scream, "Brandy, where are you going?" He looks up, and
11912 shouts, "Back to second if I can make it."
11913 -- Joe Garagiola, "It's Anybody's Ball Game"
11915 Brandy-and-water spoils two good things.
11918 Breadth-first search is the bulldozer of science.
11921 Break into jail and claim police brutality.
11923 Breathe deep the gathering gloom.
11924 Watch lights fade from every room.
11925 Bed-sitter people look back and lament;
11926 another day's useless energies spent.
11928 Impassioned lovers wrestle as one.
11929 Lonely man cries for love and has none.
11930 New mother picks up and suckles her son.
11931 Senior citizens wish they were young.
11933 Cold-hearted orb that rules the night;
11934 Removes the colors from our sight.
11935 Red is grey and yellow white.
11936 But we decide which is real, and which is an illusion."
11937 -- The Moody Blues, "Days of Future Passed"
11939 Breeding rabbits is a hare raising experience.
11942 A woman with a fine prospect of happiness behind her.
11944 Bridge ahead. Pay troll.
11947 A trial where the jury gets together and forms a lynching party.
11949 Briefly stated, the findings are that when presented with an array of
11950 data or a sequence of events in which they are instructed to discover
11951 an underlying order, subjects show strong tendencies to perceive order
11952 and causality in random arrays, to perceive a pattern or correlation
11953 which seems a priori intuitively correct even when the actual correlation
11954 in the data is counterintuitive, to jump to conclusions about the correct
11955 hypothesis, to seek and to use only positive or confirmatory evidence, to
11956 construe evidence liberally as confirmatory, to fail to generate or to
11957 assess alternative hypotheses, and having thus managed to expose themselves
11958 only to confirmatory instances, to be fallaciously confident of the validity
11959 of their judgments (Jahoda, 1969; Einhorn and Hogarth, 1978). In the
11960 analyzing of past events, these tendencies are exacerbated by failure to
11961 appreciate the pitfalls of post hoc analyses.
11964 Brillineggiava, ed i tovoli slati
11965 girlavano ghimbanti nella vaba;
11966 i borogovi eran tutti mimanti
11967 e la moma radeva fuorigraba.
11969 "Figliuolo mio, sta' attento al Gibrovacco,
11970 dagli artigli e dal morso lacerante;
11971 fuggi l'uccello Giuggiolo, e nel sacco
11972 metti infine il frumioso Bandifante".
11973 -- "The Jabberwock"
11975 Bringing computers into the home won't change
11976 either one, but may revitalize the corner saloon.
11978 Brisk talkers are usually slow thinkers. There is, indeed, no wild beast
11979 more to be dreaded than a communicative man having nothing to communicate.
11980 If you are civil to the voluble, they will abuse your patience; if
11981 brusque, your character.
11984 British education is probably the best in the world, if you can survive
11985 it. If you can't there is nothing left for you but the diplomatic corps.
11988 British Israelites:
11989 The British Israelites believe the white Anglo-Saxons of Britain to
11990 be descended from the ten lost tribes of Israel deported by Sargon of Assyria
11991 on the fall of Sumeria in 721 B.C. ... They further believe that the future
11992 can be foretold by the measurements of the Great Pyramid, which probably
11993 means it will be big and yellow and in the hand of the Arabs. They also
11994 believe that if you sleep with your head under the pillow a fairy will come
11995 and take all your teeth.
11996 -- Mike Harding, "The Armchair Anarchist's Almanac"
11998 broad-mindedness, n:
11999 The result of flattening high-mindedness out.
12002 People tend to congregate in the back
12003 of the church and the front of the bus.
12006 Someone who buys stocks on the advice of a broker.
12009 Whenever a system becomes completely defined, some damn fool
12010 discovers something which either abolishes the system or
12011 expands it beyond recognition.
12013 BS: You remind me of a man.
12015 BS: The man with the power.
12017 BS: The power of voodoo.
12021 BS: Remind me of a man.
12023 BS: The man with the power...
12024 -- Cary Grant, "The Bachelor and the Bobby-Soxer"
12026 Buck-passing usually turns out to be a boomerang.
12029 Nothing is ever accomplished by a reasonable man.
12032 An elusive creature living in a program that makes it incorrect.
12033 The activity of "debugging," or removing bugs from a program, ends
12034 when people get tired of doing it, not when the bugs are removed.
12037 An elusive creature living in a program that makes it incorrect.
12038 The activity of "debugging", or removing bugs from a program, ends
12039 when people get tired of doing it, not when the bugs are removed.
12040 -- "Datamation", January 15, 1984
12042 Build a system that even a fool can use
12043 and only a fool will want to use it.
12045 Building translators is good clean fun.
12048 Bullwinkle: You just leave that to my pal. He's the brains of the outfit.
12049 General: What does that make YOU?
12050 Bullwinkle: What else? An executive.
12053 All the parts falling off this car are
12054 of the very finest British manufacture.
12056 Bunker's Admonition:
12057 You cannot buy beer; you can only rent it.
12060 The obsessive act of opening and closing a refrigerator door in
12061 an attempt to catch it before the automatic light comes on.
12062 -- "Sniglets", Rich Hall & Friends
12064 Bureau Termination, Law of:
12065 When a government bureau is scheduled to be phased out,
12066 the number of employees in that bureau will double within
12067 12 months after the decision is made.
12070 A method for transforming energy into solid waste.
12073 A politician who has tenure.
12075 Burke's Postulates:
12076 Anything is possible if you don't know what you are talking about.
12077 Don't create a problem for which you do not have the answer.
12079 Burnt Sienna. That's the best thing that ever happened to Crayolas.
12082 Bus error -- driver executed.
12084 Bus error -- please leave by the rear door.
12086 Bushydo -- the way of the shrub. Bonsai!
12088 Business is a good game -- lots of competition
12089 and minimum of rules. You keep score with money.
12090 -- Nolan Bushnell, founder of Atari
12092 Business will be either better or worse.
12095 ...but as records of courts and justice are admissible, it can easily be
12096 proved that powerful and malevolent magicians once existed and were a scourge
12097 to mankind. The evidence (including confession) upon which certain women
12098 were convicted of witchcraft and executed was without a flaw; it is still
12099 unimpeachable. The judges' decisions based on it were sound in logic and
12100 in law. Nothing in any existing court was ever more thoroughly proved than
12101 the charges of witchcraft and sorcery for which so many suffered death. If
12102 there were no witches, human testimony and human reason are alike destitute
12106 But Captain -- the engines can't take this much longer!
12108 But, for my own part, it was Greek to me.
12109 -- William Shakespeare, "Julius Caesar"
12111 But has any little atom,
12112 While a-sittin' and a-splittin',
12113 Ever stopped to think or CARE
12116 "But Huey, you PROMISED!"
12119 But I always fired into the nearest hill or, failing that, into blackness.
12120 I meant no harm; I just liked the explosions. And I was careful never to
12121 kill more than I could eat.
12124 But I don't like Spam!!!!
12126 "But I don't want to go on the cart..."
12127 "Oh, don't be such a baby!"
12128 "But I'm feeling much better..."
12129 "No you're not... in a moment you'll be stone dead!"
12130 -- Monty Python, "The Holy Grail"
12132 But I find the old notions somehow appealing. Not that I want to go
12133 back to them -- it is outrageous to have some outer authority tell you
12134 what is proper use and abuse of your own faculties, and it is ludicrous
12135 to hold reason higher than body or feeling. Still there is something
12136 true and profoundly sane about the belief that acts like murder or
12137 theft or assault violate the doer as well as the done to. We might
12138 even, if we thought this way, have less crime. The popular view of
12139 crime, as far as I can deduce it from the movies and television, is
12140 that it is a breaking of a rule by someone who thinks they can get away
12141 with that; implicitly, everyone would like to break the rule, but not
12142 everyone is arrogant enough to imagine they can get away with it. It
12143 therefore becomes very important for the rule upholders to bring such
12145 -- Marilyn French, "The Woman's Room"
12147 But if we laugh with derision, we will never understand. Human
12148 intellectual capacity has not altered for thousands of years so far as
12149 we can tell. If intelligent people invested intense energy in issues
12150 that now seem foolish to us, then the failure lies in our understanding
12151 of their world, not in their distorted perceptions. Even the standard
12152 example of ancient nonsense -- the debate about angels on pinheads --
12153 makes sense once you realize that theologians were not discussing
12154 whether five or eighteen would fit, but whether a pin could house a
12155 finite or an infinite number.
12156 -- S.J. Gould, "Wide Hats and Narrow Minds"
12158 But if you wish at once to do nothing and to be respectable
12159 nowdays, the best pretext is to be at work on some profound study.
12160 -- Leslie Stephen, "Sketches from Cambridge"
12162 But in our enthusiasm, we could not resist a radical overhaul of the
12163 system, in which all of its major weaknesses have been exposed,
12164 analyzed, and replaced with new weaknesses.
12166 "Register Allocation in Optimizing Compilers"
12171 But like the Good Book says... There's BIGGER DEALS to come!
12173 But, Mousie, thou art no thy lane,
12174 In proving foresight may be vain:
12175 The best laid schemes o' mice an' men
12177 An' lea'e us nought but grief and pain
12179 -- Robert Burns, "To a Mouse", 1785
12181 But, officer, he's not drunk, I just saw his fingers twitch!
12183 But Officer, I stopped for the last one, and it was green!
12185 But scientists, who ought to know
12186 Assure us that it must be so.
12187 Oh, let us never, never doubt
12188 What nobody is sure about.
12191 But sex and drugs and rock & roll, why, they'd bring our blackest day.
12193 But since I knew now that I could hope for nothing of greater value than
12194 frivolous pleasures, what point was there in denying myself of them?
12197 But soft you, the fair Ophelia:
12198 Ope not thy ponderous and marble jaws,
12199 But get thee to a nunnery -- go!
12200 -- Mark "The Bard" Twain
12202 But these pills can't be habit forming;
12203 I've been taking them for years.
12205 But this has taken us far afield from interface, which is not a bad
12206 place to be, since I particularly want to move ahead to the kludge.
12207 Why do people have so much trouble understanding the kludge? What
12208 is a kludge, after all, but not enough K's, not enough ROM's, not
12209 enough RAM's, poor quality interface and too few bytes to go around?
12210 Have I explained yet about the bytes?
12212 But you shall not escape my iambics.
12213 -- Gaius Valerius Catullus
12215 But you who live on dreams, you are better pleased with the sophistical
12216 reasoning and frauds of talkers about great and uncertain matters than
12217 those who speak of certain and natural matters, not of such lofty nature.
12218 -- Leonardo Da Vinci, "The Codex on the Flight of Birds"
12220 Buzz off, Banana Nose; Relieve mine eyes
12221 Of hateful soreness, purge mine ears of corn;
12222 Less dear than army ants in apple pies
12223 Art thou, old prune-face, with thy chestnuts worn,
12224 Dropt from thy peeling lips like lousy fruit;
12225 Like honeybees upon the perfum'd rose
12226 They suck, and like the double-breasted suit
12227 Are out of date; therefore, Banana Nose,
12228 Go fly a kite, thy welcome's overstayed;
12229 And stem the produce of thy waspish wits:
12230 Thy logick, like thy locks, is disarrayed;
12231 Thy cheer, like thy complexion, is the pits.
12232 Be off, I say; go bug somebody new,
12233 Scram, beat it, get thee hence, and nuts to you.
12236 The fly in the ointment of computer literacy.
12238 By doing just a little every day, you can
12239 gradually let the task completely overwhelm you.
12241 By failing to prepare, you are preparing to fail.
12243 By long-standing tradition, I take this opportunity to savage other
12244 designers in the thin disguise of good, clean fun.
12245 -- P.J. Plauger, "Computer Language", 1988, April
12248 By nature, men are nearly alike;
12249 by practice, they get to be wide apart.
12252 By necessity, by proclivity, and by delight, we all quote.
12253 In fact, it is as difficult to appropriate the thoughts of others
12254 as it is to invent.
12256 -- Quoted from a fortune cookie program
12257 (whose author claims, "Actually, stealing IS easier.")
12258 [to which I reply, "You think it's easy for me to
12259 misconstrue all these misquotations?!?" Ed.]
12261 By perseverance the snail reached the Ark.
12262 -- Charles Spurgeon
12264 By protracting life, we do not deduct one jot from the duration of death.
12265 -- Titus Lucretius Carus
12267 By the time you swear you're his,
12268 shivering and sighing
12269 and he vows his passion is
12270 infinite, undying --
12271 Lady, make a note of this:
12272 One of you is lying.
12273 -- Dorothy Parker, "Unfortunate Coincidence"
12275 By the yard, life is hard.
12276 By the inch, it's a cinch.
12278 By trying we can easily learn to endure adversity.
12279 Another man's, I mean.
12282 By working faithfully eight hours a day,
12283 you may eventually get to be boss and work twelve.
12287 Believing Your Own Bull
12289 Bypasses are devices that allow some people to dash from point A to
12290 point B very fast while other people dash from point B to point A very
12291 fast. People living at point C, being a point directly in between, are
12292 often given to wonder what's so great about point A that so many people
12293 from point B are so keen to get there and what's so great about point B
12294 that so many people from point B are so keen to get there. They often
12295 wish that people would just once and for all work out where the hell
12297 -- The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy
12299 BYTE editors are people who separate the wheat from the chaff, and then
12300 carefully print the chaff.
12311 C++ is the best example of second-system effect since OS/360.
12313 C makes it easy for you to shoot yourself in the foot. C++ makes that
12314 harder, but when you do, it blows away your whole leg.
12315 -- Bjarne Stroustrup
12318 A programming language that is sort of like Pascal except more like
12319 assembly except that it isn't very much like either one, or anything
12320 else. It is either the best language available to the art today, or
12325 A familiar kitchen-garden vegetable about as large and wise as
12330 A very expensive part of the memory system of a computer that no one
12331 is supposed to know is there.
12334 When all else fails, read the instructions.
12336 California is a fine place to live -- if you happen to be an orange.
12339 Californians are a strange people. They'll put every chemical known to God
12340 and man up their nostrils and then laugh at you for putting sugar in your
12343 Call on God, but row away from the rocks.
12346 Call things by their right names... Glass of brandy and water! That is the
12347 current but not the appropriate name: ask for a glass of fire and distilled
12349 -- Robert Hall, in Olinthus Gregory's, "Brief Memoir of the
12352 [Quoted in "VMS Internals and Data Structures", V4.4, when
12353 referring to logical names.]
12355 Calling J-Man Kink. Calling J-Man Kink. Hash missle sighted, target
12356 Los Angeles. Disregard personal feelings about city and intercept.
12358 Calling you stupid is an insult to stupid people!
12359 -- Wanda, "A Fish Called Wanda"
12361 Calm down, it's *only* ones and zeroes.
12363 Calm down, it's only ones and zeroes,
12364 Calm down, it's only bits and bytes,
12365 Calm down, and speak to me in English,
12366 Please realize that I'm not one of your computerites.
12368 Calvin: "I wonder where we go when we die."
12369 Hobbes: "Pittsburgh?"
12370 Calvin: "You mean if we're good or if we're bad?"
12372 Calvin Coolidge looks as if he had been weaned on a pickle.
12373 -- Alice Roosevelt Longworth
12375 Calvin Coolidge was the greatest man
12376 who ever came out of Plymouth Corner, Vermont.
12380 Nature abhors a vacuous experimenter.
12382 Campus crusade for Cthulhu -- it found me.
12384 Can anyone remember when the times
12385 were not hard, and money not scarce?
12387 Can anything be sadder than work left unfinished?
12388 Yes, work never begun.
12390 Can you buy friendship? You not only can, you must. It's the
12391 only way to obtain friends. Everything worthwhile has a price.
12392 -- Robert J. Ringer
12394 Canada Bill Jones's Motto:
12395 It's morally wrong to allow suckers to keep their money.
12397 Canada Bill Jones's Supplement:
12398 A Smith and Wesson beats four aces.
12400 Canada Post doesn't really charge 32 cents for a stamp.
12401 It's 2 cents for postage and 30 cents for storage.
12402 -- Gerald Regan, Cabinet Minister, 12/31/83 Financial Post
12404 CANCER (June 21 - July 22)
12405 This is a good time for those of you who are rich and happy,
12406 but a poor time for those of you born under this sign who are
12407 poor and unhappy. To tell you the truth, any day is tough
12408 when you're poor and unhappy.
12411 The usual or standard state or manner of something. A true story:
12412 One Bob Sjoberg, new at the MIT AI Lab, expressed some annoyance at the use
12413 of jargon. Over his loud objections, we made a point of using jargon as
12414 much as possible in his presence, and eventually it began to sink in.
12415 Finally, in one conversation, he used the word "canonical" in jargon-like
12416 fashion without thinking.
12417 Steele: "Aha! We've finally got you talking jargon too!"
12418 Stallman: "What did he say?"
12419 Steele: "He just used `canonical' in the canonical way."
12421 Can't act. Slightly bald. Also dances.
12422 -- RKO executive, reacting to Fred Astaire's screen test.
12423 Cerf/Navasky, "The Experts Speak"
12425 Can't open /usr/fortunes. Lid stuck on cookie jar.
12427 Can't open /usr/games/lib/fortunes.dat.
12429 Capitalism is the extraordinary belief that the nastiest of men, for
12430 the nastiest of reasons, will somehow work for the benefit of us all.
12431 -- John Maynard Keynes
12433 CAPRICORN (Dec 22 - Jan 19)
12434 Play your hunches. This is a day when luck will play an important
12435 part in your life. If you were smarter, you wouldn't need so much
12436 luck and you wouldn't be reading your horoscope, either. You are
12437 a suspicious person, and it will occur to you that astrologers
12438 don't know what they're talking about any more than your Aunt Martha.
12440 CAPRICORN (Dec. 22 to Jan. 19)
12441 Follow your instincts. You are much too scatterbrained to do anything
12442 else, such as think. Romance is in the air, but not for you, so forget
12443 it. That pimple on the end of your nose will get worse.
12445 CAPRICORN (Dec 23 - Jan 19)
12446 You are conservative and afraid of taking risks. You don't do
12447 much of anything and are lazy. There has never been a Capricorn
12448 of any importance. Capricorns should avoid standing still for
12449 too long as they tend to take root and become trees.
12451 Captain Penny's Law:
12452 You can fool all of the people some of the time, and
12453 some of the people all of the time, but you Can't Fool Mom.
12455 Captain's Log, star date 21:34.5...
12457 Carelessly planned projects take three times longer to complete than expected.
12458 Carefully planned projects take four times longer to complete than expected,
12459 mostly because the planners expect their planning to reduce the time it
12462 Carney's Law: There's at least a 50-50 chance that someone will print
12463 the name Craney incorrectly.
12466 Carob works on the principle that, when mixed with the right combination of
12467 fats and sugar, it can duplicate chocolate in color and texture. Of course,
12468 the same can be said of dirt.
12470 carperpetuation, n:
12471 The act, when vacuuming, of running over a string at least a dozen
12472 times, reaching over and picking it up, examining it, then putting
12473 it back down to give the vacuum one more chance.
12474 -- Rich Hall, "Sniglets"
12476 Carson's Consolation:
12477 Nothing is ever a complete failure.
12478 It can always be used as a bad example.
12480 Carson's Observation on Footwear:
12481 If the shoe fits, buy the other one too.
12483 Carswell's Corollary:
12484 Whenever man comes up with a better mousetrap,
12485 nature invariably comes up with a better mouse.
12487 Catch a wave and you're sitting on top of the world.
12490 Catharsis is something I associate with pornography and crossword puzzles.
12493 Catproof is an oxymoron, childproof nearly so.
12495 Cats are intended to teach us that not everything in nature has a function.
12496 -- Garrison Keillor
12498 Cats are smarter than dogs. You can't make eight cats pull
12499 a sled through the snow.
12501 Cats, no less liquid than their shadows, offer no angles to the wind.
12503 Cauliflower is nothing but cabbage with a college education.
12504 -- Mark Twain, "Pudd'nhead Wilson"
12506 Caution: Breathing may be hazardous to your health.
12508 Caution: Keep out of reach of children.
12510 CChheecckk yyoouurr dduupplleexx sswwiittcchh..
12512 CCI Power 6/40: one board, a megabyte of cache, and an attitude...
12514 Celebrate Hannibal Day this year. Take an elephant to lunch.
12516 Celestial navigation is based on the premise that the Earth is the center
12517 of the universe. The premise is wrong, but the navigation works. An
12518 incorrect model can be a useful tool.
12519 -- Kelvin Throop III
12521 Census Taker to Housewife:
12522 Did you ever have the measles, and, if so, how many?
12524 Center meeting at 4pm in 2C-543.
12526 cerebral atrophy, n:
12527 The phenomena which occurs as brain cells become weak and sick, and
12528 impair the brain's performance. An abundance of these "bad" cells can cause
12529 symptoms related to senility, apathy, depression, and overall poor academic
12530 performance. A certain small number of brain cells will deteriorate due to
12531 everyday activity, but large amounts are weakened by intense mental effort
12532 and the assimilation of difficult concepts. Many college students become
12533 victims of this dread disorder due to poor habits such as overstudying.
12535 cerebral darwinism, n:
12536 The theory that the effects of cerebral atrophy can be reversed
12537 through the purging action of heavy alcohol consumption. Large amounts of
12538 alcohol cause many brain cells to perish due to oxygen deprivation. Through
12539 the process of natural selection, the weak and sick brain cells will die
12540 first, leaving only the healthy cells. This wonderful process leaves the
12541 imbiber with a healthier, more vibrant brain, and increases mental capacity.
12542 Thus, the devastating effects of cerebral atrophy are reversed, and academic
12543 performance actually increases beyond previous levels.
12545 Cerebus: I'd love to lick apricot brandy out of your navel.
12546 Jaka: Look, Cerebus -- Jaka has to tell you... something
12547 Cerebus: If Cerebus had a navel, would you lick apricot brandy out
12550 Cerebus: You don't like apricot brandy?
12551 -- Cerebus, #6, "The Secret"
12553 Certain old men prefer to rise at dawn, taking a cold bath and a long
12554 walk with an empty stomach and otherwise mortifying the flesh. They
12555 then point with pride to these practices as the cause of their sturdy
12556 health and ripe years; the truth being that they are hearty and old,
12557 not because of their habits, but in spite of them. The reason we find
12558 only robust persons doing this thing is that it has killed all the
12559 others who have tried it.
12560 -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
12563 Certain passages in several laws have always defied interpretation and the
12564 most inexplicable must be a matter of opinion. A judge of the Court of
12565 Session of Scotland has sent the editors of this book his candidate which
12566 reads, "In the Nuts (unground), (other than ground nuts) Order, the expression
12567 nuts shall have reference to such nuts, other than ground nuts, as would
12568 but for this amending Order not qualify as nuts (unground) (other than ground
12569 nuts) by reason of their being nuts (unground)."
12570 -- Guiness Book of World Records, 1973
12572 Certainly the game is rigged.
12573 Don't let that stop you; if you don't bet, you can't win.
12574 -- Robert Heinlein, "Time Enough For Love"
12576 Certainly there are things in life that money can't buy,
12577 But it's very funny --
12578 did you ever try buying them without money?
12581 C'est magnifique, mais ce n'est pas la guerre!
12583 C'est magnifique, mais ce n'est pas l'Informatique.
12584 -- Bosquet [on seeing the IBM 4341]
12586 CF&C stole it, fair and square.
12589 Chairman of the Bored.
12591 Chamberlain's Laws:
12592 1: The big guys always win.
12593 2: Everything tastes more or less like chicken.
12595 Champagne don't make me lazy. Cocaine don't drive me crazy.
12596 Ain't nobody's business but my own.
12599 Chance is perhaps the work of God when He did not want to sign.
12602 Change your thoughts and you change your world.
12604 Changing husbands/wives is only changing troubles.
12607 Chaos is King and Magic is loose in the world.
12611 In the beginning the Universe was created. This has made
12612 a lot of people very angry and been widely regarded as a bad move.
12614 Chapter 2: Newtonian Growth and Decay
12616 The growth-decay formulas were developed in the trivial fashion by
12617 Isaac Newton's famous brother Phigg. His idea was to provide an equation
12618 that would describe a quantity that would dwindle and dwindle, but never
12619 quite reach zero. Historically, he was merely trying to work out his
12620 mortgage. Another versatile equation also emerged, one which would define
12621 a function that would continue to grow, but never reach unity. This equation
12622 can be applied to charging capacitors, over-damped springs, and the human
12625 character density, n.:
12626 The number of very weird people in the office.
12628 Character is what you are in the dark!
12629 -- Lord John Whorfin
12632 A thing that begins at home and usually stays there.
12634 Charity begins at home.
12635 -- Publius Terentius Afer (Terence)
12637 Charlie Brown: Why was I put on this earth?
12638 Linus: To make others happy.
12639 Charlie Brown: Why were others put on this earth?
12641 Charlie was a chemist,
12642 But Charlie is no more.
12643 What Charlie thought was H2O was H2SO4.
12645 Charm is a way of getting the answer "Yes" --
12646 without having asked any clear question.
12648 Cheap things are of no value, valuable things are not cheap.
12650 Check me if I'm wrong, Sandy, but if I kill all the golfers...
12651 they're gonna lock me up and throw away the key!
12654 The thirteenth month of the year. Begins New Year's Day and ends
12655 when a person stops absentmindedly writing the old year on his checks.
12657 Cheer Up! Things are getting worse at a slower rate.
12659 Cheese -- milk's leap toward immortality.
12660 -- Clifton Fadiman, "Any Number Can Play"
12663 Any cook who swears in French.
12666 If you help a friend in need, he is sure to remember you--
12667 the next time he's in need.
12670 Noxious substances from which modern foods are made.
12672 Chemist who falls in acid is absorbed in work.
12674 Chemist who falls in acid will be tripping for weeks.
12676 Chemistry professors never die, they just fail to react.
12679 Nothing ever gets built on schedule or within budget.
12681 "Cheshire-Puss," she began, "would you tell me, please,
12682 which way I ought to go from here?"
12683 "That depends a good deal on where you want to get to," said the Cat.
12684 "I don't care much where--" said Alice.
12685 "Then it doesn't matter which way you go," said the Cat.
12690 Where the dead still vote... early and often!
12692 Chicago Transit Authority Rider's Rule #36:
12693 Never ever ask the tough looking gentleman wearing El Rukn
12694 headgear where he got his "pyramid powered pizza warmer".
12695 -- Chicago Reader 3/27/81
12697 Chicago Transit Authority Rider's Rule #84:
12698 The CTA has complimentary pop-up timers available on request
12699 for overheated passengers. When your timer pops up, the driver will
12700 cheerfully baste you.
12701 -- Chicago Reader 5/28/82
12703 Chicagoan: "So, where're you from?"
12704 Hoosier: "What's wrong with Indiana?"
12706 Chicken Little was right.
12709 An ancient miracle drug containing equal parts of aureomycin,
12710 cocaine, interferon, and TLC. The only ailment chicken soup
12711 can't cure is neurotic dependence on one's mother.
12714 Chihuahuas drive me crazy. I can't stand anything that
12715 shivers when it's warm.
12717 Children are like cats, they can tell when you don't like
12718 them. That's when they come over and violate your body space.
12720 Children are natural mimics who act like their parents
12721 despite every effort to teach them good manners.
12723 Children are unpredictable. You never know what inconsistency they're
12724 going to catch you in next.
12725 -- Franklin P. Jones
12727 Children aren't happy without something to ignore,
12728 And that's what parents were created for.
12731 Children begin by loving their parents. After a time they judge them.
12732 Rarely, if ever, do they forgive them.
12735 Children seldom misquote you. In fact, they usually
12736 repeat word for word what you shouldn't have said.
12738 Children's talent to endure stems from their ignorance of alternatives.
12739 -- Maya Angelou, "I Know Why the Caged Bird Sings"
12741 Chinese saying: "He who speak with forked tongue, not need chopsticks."
12743 Chism's Law of Completion:
12744 The amount of time required to complete a government project is
12745 precisely equal to the length of time already spent on it.
12747 Chisolm's First Corollary to Murphy's Second Law:
12748 When things just can't possibly get any worse, they will.
12752 Choose in marriage only a woman whom you would choose as
12753 a friend if she were a man.
12757 Grandma got run over by a reindeer,
12758 Walking home from our house Christmas eve.
12759 You can say there's no such thing as Santa,
12760 But as for me and Grandpa, we believe!
12761 She'd been drinking too much eggnog,
12762 And we begged her not to go.
12763 But she'd forgot her medication, When we found her Christmas morning,
12764 And she staggered through the door At the scene of the attack.
12765 out in the snow. She had hoofprints on her forehead,
12766 And incriminating claus-marks on her
12767 Now we're all so proud of Grandpa, back.
12768 He's been taking this so well.
12769 See him in there watching football. I've warned all my friends and
12770 Drinking beer and playing cards neighbors,
12771 with cousin Mel. Better watch out for yourselves!
12772 They should never give a license,
12773 To a man who drives a sleigh and
12775 -- Elmo and Patsy, "Grandma Got Run Over by a Reindeer"
12777 Christ died for our sins, so let's not disappoint Him.
12779 Christianity has not been tried and found wanting; it has been found
12780 difficult and not tried.
12783 Christianity might be a good thing if anyone ever tried it.
12784 -- George Bernard Shaw
12786 Christmas time is here, by Golly; Kill the turkeys, ducks and chickens;
12787 Disapproval would be folly; Mix the punch, drag out the Dickens;
12788 Deck the halls with hunks of holly; Even though the prospect sickens,
12789 Fill the cup and don't say when... Brother, here we go again.
12791 On Christmas day, you can't get sore; Relations sparing no expense'll,
12792 Your fellow man you must adore; Send some useless old utensil,
12793 There's time to rob him all the more, Or a matching pen and pencil,
12794 The other three hundred and sixty-four! Just the thing I need... how nice.
12796 It doesn't matter how sincere Hark The Herald-Tribune sings,
12797 It is, nor how heartfelt the spirit; Advertising wondrous things.
12798 Sentiment will not endear it; God Rest Ye Merry Merchants,
12799 What's important is... the price. May you make the Yuletide pay.
12800 Angels We Have Heard On High,
12801 Let the raucous sleighbells jingle; Tell us to go out and buy.
12802 Hail our dear old friend, Kris Kringle, Sooooo...
12803 Driving his reindeer across the sky,
12804 Don't stand underneath when they fly by!
12807 Churchill's Commentary on Man:
12808 Man will occasionally stumble over the truth,
12809 but most of the time he will pick himself up and continue on.
12812 A fire at one end, a fool at the other,
12813 and a bit of tobacco in between.
12816 The combination of popcorn, soda, and melted chocolate
12817 which covers the floors of movie theaters.
12818 -- "Sniglets", Rich Hall & Friends
12820 Circumstances rule men; men do not rule circumstances.
12823 Civilization and profits go hand in hand.
12826 Civilization, as we know it, will end sometime this evening.
12827 See SYSNOTE tomorrow for more information.
12829 Civilization is the limitless multiplication of unnecessary necessities.
12833 A person, commonly a woman, who has the power of seeing that
12834 which is invisible to her patron -- namely, that he is a blockhead.
12837 Claret is the liquor for boys; port for men; but he who
12838 aspires to be a hero... must drink brandy.
12841 Clarke's Conclusion:
12842 Never let your sense of morals interfere with doing the right thing.
12844 Class, that's the only thing that counts in life. Class.
12845 Without class and style, a man's a bum; he might as well be dead.
12848 Class: when they're running you out of town, to look like you're
12849 leading the parade.
12852 Classical music is the kind we keep thinking will turn into a tune.
12853 -- Kin Hubbard, "Abe Martin's Sayings"
12856 Creativity is great, but plagiarism is faster.
12858 Cleaning your house while your kids are still growing is like shoveling
12859 the walk before it stops snowing.
12862 There is no need to do any housework at all. After the first four years
12863 the dirt doesn't get any worse.
12866 Cleanliness becomes more important when godliness is unlikely.
12869 Cleanliness is next to impossible.
12872 Where their last tornado did six
12873 million dollars worth of improvements.
12876 Yes, I spent a week there one day.
12878 Climate and Surgery
12879 R C Gilchrist, who was shot by J Sharp twelve days ago, and who
12880 received a derringer ball in the right breast, and who it was supposed at
12881 the time could not live many hours, was on the street yesterday and the
12882 day before - walking several blocks at a time. To those who design to be
12883 riddled with bullets or cut to pieces with Bowie-knives, we cordially
12884 recommend our Sacramento climate and Sacramento surgery.
12885 -- Sacramento Daily Union, September 11, 1861
12887 Climbing onto a bar stool, a piece of string asked for a beer.
12888 "Wait a minute. Aren't you a string?"
12890 "Sorry. We don't serve strings here."
12891 The determined string left the bar and stopped a passer-by. "Excuse,
12892 me," it said, "would you shred my ends and tie me up like a pretzel?" The
12893 passer-by obliged, and the string re-entered the bar. "May I have a beer,
12894 please?" it asked the bartender.
12895 The barkeep set a beer in front of the string, then suddenly stopped.
12896 "Hey, aren't you the string I just threw out of here?"
12897 "No, I'm a frayed knot."
12900 1. An exact duplicate, as in "our product is a clone of their
12901 product." 2. A shoddy, spurious copy, as in "their product
12902 is a clone of our product."
12904 Clones are people two.
12906 Cloning is the sincerest form of flattery.
12908 Clothes make the man.
12909 Naked people have little or no influence on society.
12912 Clovis' Consideration of an Atmospheric Anomaly:
12913 The perversity of nature is nowhere better demonstrated
12914 than by the fact that, when exposed to the same atmosphere,
12915 bread becomes hard while crackers become soft.
12917 Coach: Can I draw you a beer, Norm?
12918 Norm: No, I know what they look like. Just pour me one.
12919 -- Cheers, No Help Wanted
12921 Coach: How about a beer, Norm?
12922 Norm: Hey I'm high on life, Coach. Of course, beer is my life.
12923 -- Cheers, No Help Wanted
12925 Coach: How's a beer sound, Norm?
12926 Norm: I dunno. I usually finish them before they get a word in.
12927 -- Cheers, Fortune and Men's Weights
12929 Coach: How's it going, Norm?
12930 Norm: Daddy's rich and Momma's good lookin'.
12931 -- Cheers, Truce or Consequences
12933 Sam: What's up, Norm?
12934 Norm: My nipples. It's freezing out there.
12935 -- Cheers, Coach Returns to Action
12937 Coach: What's the story, Norm?
12938 Norm: Thirsty guy walks into a bar. You finish it.
12939 -- Cheers, Endless Slumper
12941 Coach: What would you say to a beer, Normie?
12942 Norm: Daddy wuvs you.
12943 -- Cheers, The Mail Goes to Jail
12945 Sam: What'd you like, Normie?
12946 Norm: A reason to live. Gimme another beer.
12947 -- Cheers, Behind Every Great Man
12949 Sam: What will you have, Norm?
12950 Norm: Well, I'm in a gambling mood, Sammy. I'll take a glass
12951 of whatever comes out of that tap.
12952 Sam: Oh, looks like beer, Norm.
12953 Norm: Call me Mister Lucky.
12954 -- Cheers, The Executive's Executioner
12956 Coach: What's up, Norm?
12957 Norm: Corners of my mouth, Coach.
12958 -- Cheers, Fortune and Men's Weights
12960 Coach: What's shaking, Norm?
12961 Norm: All four cheeks and a couple of chins, Coach.
12962 -- Cheers, Snow Job
12964 Coach: Beer, Normie?
12965 Norm: Uh, Coach, I dunno, I had one this week.
12966 Eh, why not, I'm still young.
12967 -- Cheers, Snow Job
12970 An exercise in Artificial Inelegance.
12973 Completely Over and Beyond reason Or Logic.
12975 COBOL is for morons.
12976 -- Edsger W. Dijkstra
12978 Cobol programmers are down in the dumps.
12980 COBOL programs are an exercise in Artificial Inelegance.
12982 Coding is easy; All you do is sit staring at a
12983 terminal until the drops of blood form on your forehead.
12985 Cogito cogito ergo cogito sum --
12986 I think that I think, therefore I think that I am.
12990 There is no bottom to worse.
12993 The more time you spend in reporting on what you are doing, the less
12994 time you have to do anything. Stability is achieved when you spend
12995 all your time reporting on the nothing you are doing.
12997 Coincidences are spiritual puns.
13001 When the politicians walk around
13002 with their hands in their own pockets.
13004 Cold hands, no gloves.
13007 Thinly sliced cabbage.
13010 A literary partnership based on the false
13011 assumption that the other fellow can spell.
13014 The fountains of knowledge, where everyone goes to drink.
13016 College football is a game which would be much more interesting if the
13017 faculty played instead of the students, and even more interesting if
13018 the trustees played. There would be a great increase in broken arms,
13019 legs, and necks, and simultaneously an appreciable diminution in the
13024 Where they don't buy M & M's, 'cause they're so hard to peel.
13026 Colorless green ideas sleep furiously.
13028 Column 1 Column 2 Column 3
13030 0. integrated 0. management 0. options
13031 1. total 1. organizational 1. flexibility
13032 2. systematized 2. monitored 2. capability
13033 3. parallel 3. reciprocal 3. mobility
13034 4. functional 4. digital 4. programming
13035 5. responsive 5. logistical 5. concept
13036 6. optional 6. transitional 6. time-phase
13037 7. synchronized 7. incremental 7. projection
13038 8. compatible 8. third-generation 8. hardware
13039 9. balanced 9. policy 9. contingency
13041 The procedure is simple. Think of any three-digit number, then select
13042 the corresponding buzzword from each column. For instance, number 257 produces
13043 "systematized logistical projection," a phrase that can be dropped into
13044 virtually any report with that ring of decisive, knowledgeable authority. "No
13045 one will have the remotest idea of what you're talking about," says Broughton,
13046 "but the important thing is that they're not about to admit it."
13047 -- Philip Broughton, "How to Win at Wordsmanship"
13049 Colvard's Logical Premises:
13050 All probabilities are 50%.
13051 Either a thing will happen or it won't.
13053 Colvard's Unconscionable Commentary:
13054 This is especially true when
13055 dealing with someone you're attracted to.
13057 Grelb's Commentary:
13058 Likelihoods, however, are 90% against you.
13060 Come, every frustum longs to be a cone,
13061 And every vector dreams of matrices.
13062 Hark to the gentle gradient of the breeze:
13063 It whispers of a more ergodic zone.
13064 -- Stanislaw Lem, "Cyberiad"
13066 Come fill the cup and in the fire of spring
13067 Your winter garment of repentance fling.
13068 The bird of time has but a little way
13069 To flutter -- and the bird is on the wing.
13073 -- George McGovern, 1972
13075 Come, landlord, fill the flowing bowl until it does run over,
13076 Tonight we will all merry be -- tomorrow we'll get sober.
13077 -- John Fletcher, "The Bloody Brother", II, 2
13079 Come, let us hasten to a higher plane,
13080 Where dyads tread the fairy fields of Venn,
13081 Their indices bedecked from one to n,
13082 Commingled in an endless Markov chain!
13083 -- Stanislaw Lem, "Cyberiad"
13085 Come, let us hasten to a higher plane,
13086 Where dyads tread the fairy fields of Venn,
13087 Their indices bedecked from one to n,
13088 Commingled in an endless Markov chain!
13090 Come, every frustum longs to be a cone,
13091 And every vector dreams of matrices.
13092 Hark to the gentle gradient of the breeze:
13093 It whispers of a more ergodic zone.
13095 In Riemann, Hilbert or in Banach space
13096 Let superscripts and subscripts go their ways.
13097 Our asymptotes no longer out of phase,
13098 We shall encounter, counting, face to face.
13101 Come live with me, and be my love,
13102 And we will some new pleasures prove
13103 Of golden sands, and crystal brooks,
13104 With silken lines, and silver hooks.
13107 Come live with me and be my love,
13108 And we will some new pleasures prove
13109 Of golden sands and crystal brooks
13110 With silken lines, and silver hooks.
13111 There's nothing that I wouldn't do
13112 If you would be my POSSLQ.
13114 You live with me, and I with you,
13115 And you will be my POSSLQ.
13116 I'll be your friend and so much more;
13117 That's what a POSSLQ is for.
13119 And everything we will confess;
13120 Yes, even to the IRS.
13121 Some day on what we both may earn,
13122 Perhaps we'll file a joint return.
13123 You'll share my pad, my taxes, joint;
13124 You'll share my life - up to a point!
13125 And that you'll be so glad to do,
13126 Because you'll be my POSSLQ.
13128 Come, muse, let us sing of rats!
13129 -- From a poem by James Grainger, 1721-1767
13131 Come quickly, I am tasting stars!
13132 -- Dom Perignon, upon discovering champagne.
13135 That tend on mortal thoughts, unsex me here,
13136 And fill me, from the crown to the toe, top-full
13137 Of direst cruelty! make thick my blood,
13138 Stop up the access and passage to remorse
13139 That no compunctious visiting of nature
13140 Shake my fell purpose, not keep peace between
13141 The effect and it! Come to my woman's breasts,
13142 And take my milk for gall, you murdering ministers,
13143 Wherever in your sightless substances
13144 You wait on nature's mischief! Come, thick night,
13145 And pall the in the dunnest smoke of hell,
13146 That my keen knife see not the wound it makes,
13147 Nor heaven peep through the blanket of the dark,
13148 To cry `Hold, hold!'
13151 Comedy, like Medicine, was never meant to be practiced by the general public.
13153 Coming to Stores Near You:
13155 101 Grammatically Correct Popular Tunes Featuring:
13157 (You Aren't Anything but a) Hound Dog
13158 It Doesn't Mean a Thing If It Hasn't Got That Swing
13159 I'm Not Misbehaving
13161 And A Whole Lot More...
13163 Coming together is a beginning;
13164 keeping together is progress;
13165 working together is success.
13167 Commit the oldest sins the newest kind of ways.
13168 -- William Shakespeare, "Henry IV"
13171 Commitment can be illustrated by a breakfast of ham and eggs.
13172 The chicken was involved, the pig was committed.
13174 Common sense is instinct, and enough of it is genius.
13177 Common sense is the collection of prejudices acquired by age eighteen.
13180 Common sense is the collection of prejudices acquired by age eighteen.
13183 Common sense is the most evenly distributed quantity in the world.
13184 Everyone thinks he has enough.
13187 Commoner's three laws of ecology:
13188 1) No action is without side-effects.
13189 2) Nothing ever goes away.
13190 3) There is no free lunch.
13192 Communicate! It can't make things any worse.
13194 Comparing software engineering to classical engineering assumes that software
13195 has the ability to wear out. Software typically behaves, or it does not. It
13196 either works, or it does not. Software generally does not degrade, abrade,
13197 stretch, twist, or ablate. To treat it as a physical entity, therefore, is
13198 misapplication of our engineering skills. Classical engineering deals with
13199 the characteristics of hardware; software engineering should deal with the
13200 characteristics of *software*, and not with hardware or management.
13203 COMPASS [for the CDC-6000 series] is the sort of assembler
13204 one expects from a corporation whose president codes in octal.
13207 Competence, like truth, beauty, and contact lenses,
13208 is in the eye of the beholder.
13209 -- Dr. Laurence J. Peter
13211 Competitive fury is not always anger. It is the true missionary's
13212 courage and zeal in facing the possibility that one's best may not
13217 One with real problems and imaginary profits.
13220 When you say something to another which everyone knows isn't true.
13223 The uncomfortable period of emotional and hormonal changes a
13224 computer experiences when the operating system is upgraded and
13225 a sun4 is put online sharing files.
13228 An electronic entity which performs sequences of useful steps in a
13229 totally understandable, rigorously logical manner. If you believe
13230 this, see me about a bridge I have for sale in Manhattan.
13232 Computer programmers do it byte by byte.
13234 Computer programmers never die, they just get lost in the processing.
13236 Computer programs expand so as to fill the core available.
13239 1) A study akin to numerology and astrology, but lacking the
13240 precision of the former and the success of the latter.
13241 2) The protracted value analysis of algorithms.
13242 3) The costly enumeration of the obvious.
13243 4) The boring art of coping with a large number of trivialities.
13244 5) Tautology harnessed in the service of Man at the speed of light.
13245 6) The Post-Turing decline in formal systems theory.
13247 Computer Science is the only discipline in which we view
13248 adding a new wing to a building as being maintenance
13251 Computers are not intelligent. They only think they are.
13253 Computers are unreliable, but humans are even more unreliable.
13254 Any system which depends on human reliability is unreliable.
13257 Computers are useless. They can only give you answers.
13260 Computers don't actually think.
13261 You just think they think.
13264 Conceit causes more conversation than wit.
13265 -- LaRouchefoucauld
13268 Any "idea" for which an outside
13269 consultant billed you more than $25,000.
13271 Conceptual integrity in turn dictates that the design must proceed
13272 from one mind, or from a very small number of agreeing resonant minds.
13273 -- Frederick Brooks Jr., "The Mythical Man Month"
13275 Condense soup, not books!
13278 A special meeting in which the boss gathers subordinates to hear
13279 what they have to say, so long as it doesn't conflict with what
13280 he's already decided to do.
13282 Confess your sins to the Lord and you will be forgiven;
13283 confess them to man and you will be laughed at.
13286 Confession is good for the soul, but bad for the career.
13288 Confession is good for the soul only in the sense
13289 that a tweed coat is good for dandruff.
13292 Confessions may be good for the soul, but they are bad for
13294 -- Lord Thomas Dewar
13296 Confidant, confidante, n:
13297 One entrusted by A with the secrets of B, confided to himself by C.
13300 Confidence is simply that quiet, assured feeling you have before you
13301 fall flag on your face.
13304 Confidence is the feeling you have before you understand the situation.
13306 CONFIRMED BACHELOR:
13307 A man who goes through life without a hitch.
13309 Conflicting research paradigms
13310 Have legitimized various crimes.
13311 The worst we can see
13313 Measuring reaction times.
13315 Conformity is the refuge of the unimaginative.
13317 Confucius say too damn much!
13319 Confucius say too much.
13320 -- Recent Chinese Proverb
13322 Confusion will be my epitaph
13323 as I walk a cracked and broken path
13324 If we make it we can all sit back and laugh
13325 but I fear that tomorrow we'll be crying.
13326 -- King Crimson, "In the Court of the Crimson King"
13328 Congratulations! You are the one-millionth user to log into our system.
13329 If there's anything special we can do for you, anything at all, don't
13332 Congratulations! You have purchased an extremely fine device that would
13333 give you thousands of years of trouble-free service, except that you
13334 undoubtably will destroy it via some typical bonehead consumer maneuver.
13335 Which is why we ask you to PLEASE FOR GOD'S SAKE READ THIS OWNER'S MANUAL
13336 CAREFULLY BEFORE YOU UNPACK THE DEVICE. YOU ALREADY UNPACKED IT, DIDN'T
13337 YOU? YOU UNPACKED IT AND PLUGGED IT IN AND TURNED IT ON AND FIDDLED WITH
13338 THE KNOBS, AND NOW YOUR CHILD, THE SAME CHILD WHO ONCE SHOVED A POLISH
13339 SAUSAGE INTO YOUR VIDEOCASSETTE RECORDER AND SET IT ON "FAST FORWARD", THIS
13340 CHILD ALSO IS FIDDLING WITH THE KNOBS, RIGHT? AND YOU'RE JUST NOW STARTING
13341 TO READ THE INSTRUCTIONS, RIGHT??? WE MIGHT AS WELL JUST BREAK THESE DEVICES
13342 RIGHT AT THE FACTORY BEFORE WE SHIP THEM OUT, YOU KNOW THAT?
13345 Congratulations are in order for Tom Reid.
13347 He says he just found out he is the winner of the 2021 Psychic of the
13350 Conjecture: All odd numbers are prime.
13352 Mathematician's Proof:
13353 3 is prime. 5 is prime. 7 is prime. By induction, all
13354 odd numbers are prime.
13356 3 is prime. 5 is prime. 7 is prime. 9 is experimental
13357 error. 11 is prime. 13 is prime ...
13359 3 is prime. 5 is prime. 7 is prime. 9 is prime.
13360 11 is prime. 13 is prime ...
13361 Computer Scientists's Proof:
13362 3 is prime. 3 is prime. 3 is prime. 3 is prime...
13364 Conquering Russia should be done steppe by steppe.
13366 Conscience doth make cowards of us all.
13369 Conscience is defined as the thing that hurts
13370 when everything else feels great.
13372 Conscience is the inner voice that warns us somebody may be looking.
13373 -- H.L. Mencken, "A Mencken Chrestomathy"
13375 Conscience is what hurts when everything else feels so good.
13378 A document in which a hapless company consents never to commit
13379 in the future whatever heinous violations of Federal law it
13380 never admitted to in the first place.
13383 One who admires radicals centuries after they're dead.
13387 A statesman who is enamored of existing evils, as distinguished
13388 from the Liberal who wishes to replace them with others.
13391 "Consider a spherical bear, in simple harmonic motion..."
13392 -- Professor in the UCB physics department
13394 Consider the following axioms carefully:
13395 "Everything's better when it sits on a Ritz."
13397 "Everything's better with Blue Bonnet on it."
13398 What happens if one spreads Blue Bonnet margarine on a Ritz cracker? The
13399 thought is frightening. Is this how God came into being? Try not to
13400 consider the fact that "Things go better with Coke".
13402 Consider the little mouse, how sagacious an animal
13403 it is which never entrusts its life to one hole only.
13404 -- Titus Maccius Plautus
13406 Consider the postage stamp: its usefulness consists in
13407 the ability to stick to one thing till it gets there.
13411 (1) Someone you pay to take the watch off your wrist and tell
13412 you what time it is. (2) (For resume use) The working title
13413 of anyone who doesn't currently hold a job. Motto: Have
13414 Calculator, Will Travel.
13417 An ordinary man a long way from home.
13420 [From con "to defraud, dupe, swindle," or, possibly, French con
13421 (vulgar) "a person of little merit" + sult elliptical form of
13422 "insult."] A tipster disguised as an oracle, especially one who
13423 has learned to decamp at high speed in spite of a large briefcase
13427 Someone who'd rather climb a tree and tell a
13428 lie than stand on the ground and tell the truth.
13430 Consultants are mystical people who ask a
13431 company for a number and then give it back to them.
13434 Medical term meaning "to share the wealth."
13436 Contemporary American feminism's simplistic psychology is illustrated by
13437 the new cliche of the date-rape furor: "`No' always means `no'." Will
13438 we ever graduate from the Girl Scouts? "No" has always been, and always
13439 will be, part of the dangerous alluring courtship ritual of sex and
13440 seduction, observable even in the animal kingdom.
13441 -- Camille Paglia, NY Times, Dec. 14 1990, Op Ed.
13443 "Contrariwise," continued Tweedledee, "if it was so, it might be, and
13444 if it were so, it would be; but as it isn't, it ain't. That's logic!"
13447 Convention is the ruler of all.
13451 A vocal competition in which the one who
13452 is catching his breath is called the listener.
13454 Conversation enriches the understanding,
13455 but solitude is the school of genius.
13458 In any organization there will always be one person who knows
13461 This person must be fired.
13463 Cops never say good-bye. They're always hoping to see you again in the
13465 -- Raymond Chandler
13468 A device that shreds paper, flashes mysteriously coded messages,
13469 and makes duplicates for everyone in the office who isn't
13470 interested in reading them.
13473 The ceremony of investing a sovereign with the outward and visible
13474 signs of his divine right to be blown skyhigh with a dynamite bomb.
13477 Correction does much, but encouragement does more.
13480 Correspondence Corollary:
13481 An experiment may be considered a success if no more than half
13482 your data must be discarded to obtain correspondence with your theory.
13485 In politics, holding an office of trust or profit.
13487 Corrupt, stupid grasping functionaries will make at least as big a muddle
13488 of socialism as stupid, selfish and acquisitive employers can make of
13492 Corruption is not the No. 1 priority of the Police Commissioner.
13493 His job is to enforce the law and fight crime.
13494 -- P.B.A. President E.J. Kiernan
13497 Paper is always strongest at the perforations.
13499 Couldn't we jury-rig the cat to act as an audio switch, and have it yell
13500 at people to save their core images before logging them out? I'm sure
13501 the cattle prod would be effective in this regard. In any case, a traverse
13502 mounted iguana, while more perverted, gives better traction, not to mention
13503 being easier to stake.
13505 Counting in binary is just like counting
13506 in decimal -- if you are all thumbs.
13509 Counting in octal is just like counting
13510 in decimal -- if you don't use your thumbs.
13513 Courage is fear that has said its prayers.
13515 Courage is grace under pressure.
13517 Courage is resistance to fear, mastery of fear -- not absence of fear.
13520 Courage is your greatest present need.
13523 A place where they dispense with justice.
13526 Courtship to marriage, as a very witty prologue to a very dull play.
13527 -- William Congreve
13530 One who in a perilous emergency thinks with his legs.
13532 [Crash programs] fail because they are based on the theory that,
13533 with nine women pregnant, you can get a baby a month.
13534 -- Wernher von Braun
13536 Crazee Edeee, his prices are INSANE!!!
13538 Creating computer software is always a demanding and painstaking
13539 process -- an exercise in logic, clear expression, and almost fanatical
13540 attention to detail. It requires intelligence, dedication, and an
13541 enormous amount of hard work. But, a certain amount of unpredictable
13542 and often unrepeatable inspiration is what usually makes the difference
13543 between adequacy and excellence.
13545 Creativity in living is not without its attendant difficulties, for
13546 peculiarity breeds contempt. And the unfortunate thing about being
13547 ahead of your time when people finally realize you were right, they'll
13548 say it was obvious all along.
13549 -- Alan Ashley-Pitt
13551 Creativity is no substitute for knowing what you are doing.
13553 Creativity is not always bred in an environment of tranquility;
13554 sometimes you have to squeeze a little to get the paste out of the tube.
13556 Credit ... is the only enduring testimonial to man's confidence in man.
13560 A man who has a better memory than a debtor.
13562 Crenna's Law of Political Accountability:
13563 If you are the first to know about something bad,
13564 you are going to be held responsible for acting on it,
13565 regardless of your formal duties.
13567 Crime does not pay... as well as politics.
13571 A person who boasts himself hard to please
13572 because nobody tries to please him.
13575 A person who boasts himself hard to please because nobody tries
13577 -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
13579 Criticism comes easier than craftsmanship.
13582 Critics are like eunuchs in a harem: they know how it's done, they've
13583 seen it done every day, but they're unable to do it themselves.
13586 Crito, I owe a cock to Asclepius; will you remember to pay the debt?
13587 -- Socrates' last words
13590 If tin whistles are made of tin, what are foghorns made of?
13593 The amount of work done varies inversly
13594 with the time spent in the office.
13596 Crucifixes are sexy because there's a naked man on them.
13599 Cruickshank's Law of Committees:
13600 If a committee is allowed to discuss a bad idea long enough, it
13601 will inevitably decide to implement the idea simply because so
13602 much work has already been done on it.
13604 Crusade for Cthulhu! It Found ME!
13606 Crush! Kill! Destroy!
13610 Cthulhu for President!
13611 (If you're tired of choosing the lesser of two evils.)
13613 Cthulhu Saves -- in case He's hungry later.
13615 Culture is the habit of being pleased with the best and knowing why.
13617 Cure the disease and kill the patient.
13621 One whose program will not run.
13624 curtation n. The enforced compression of a string in the fixed-length field
13626 The problem of fitting extremely variable-length strings such as names,
13627 addresses, and item descriptions into fixed-length records is no trivial
13628 matter. Neglect of the subtle art of curtation has probably alienated more
13629 people than any other aspect of data processing. You order Mozart's "Don
13630 Giovanni" from your record club, and they invoice you $24.95 for MOZ DONG.
13631 The witless mapping of the sublime onto the ridiculous! Equally puzzling is
13632 the curtation that produces the same eight characters, THE BEST, whether you
13633 order "The Best of Wagner", "The Best of Schubert", or "The Best of the Turds".
13634 Similarly, wine lovers buying from computerized wineries twirl their glasses,
13635 check their delivery notes, and inform their friends, "A rather innocent,
13636 possibly overtruncated CAB SAUV 69 TAL." The squeezing of fruit into 10
13637 columns has yielded such memorable obscenities as COX OR PIP. The examples
13638 cited are real, and the curtational methodology which produced them is still
13642 Curtation of Don Giovanni by Wolfgang Amadeus Mozart and Lorenzo da
13643 Ponte, as performed by the computerized billing ensemble of the Internat'l
13644 Preview Society, Great Neck (sic), N.Y.
13645 -- Stan Kelly-Bootle, "The Devil's DP Dictionary"
13647 Custer committed Siouxicide.
13649 Cut a man's hand when you fight him. He'll freeze, fascinated by the sight
13650 of his own blood. That's when you stick him in the throat.
13653 If you look rather casual with the knife when you flick it open, people
13657 Cutler Webster's Law:
13658 There are two sides to every argument, unless a person
13659 is personally involved, in which case there is only one.
13661 Cutting the space budget really restores my faith in humanity. It
13662 eliminates dreams, goals, and ideals and lets us get straight to the
13663 business of hate, debauchery, and self-annihilation."
13670 One who looks through rose-colored glasses with a jaundiced eye.
13673 A blackguard whose faulty vision sees things as they are,
13674 not as they ought to be. Hence the custom among the
13675 Scythians of plucking out a cynic's eyes to improve his vision.
13678 Dad always thought laughter was the best medicine, which I guess is why
13679 several of us died of tuberculosis.
13683 The city that chose Astroturf to
13684 keep the cheerleaders from grazing.
13686 Dallas still lives. God MUST be dead.
13688 Dammit Jim, I'm an actor not a doctor.
13690 "Dammit, man, that's unprofessional! A good bartender laughs anyway!"
13693 -- William Blake, "Proverbs of Hell"
13695 Damn, I need a Coke!
13696 -- Dr. William DeVries
13697 [after implanting the first artificial human heart]
13699 DAMN IT, I GOTTA GET OUTTA HERE!
13701 Dark and lonely on a summer night
13704 The watchdog barkin'
13708 Slip in his window.
13710 Then his house I start to wreck
13715 C-I-L-L my landlord!
13716 -- "Images" by Tyrone Green, SNL
13718 Darling: the popular form of address used in speaking to a member of the
13719 opposite sex whose name you cannot at the moment remember.
13722 Darth Vader! Only you would be so bold!
13723 -- Princess Leia Organa
13725 Darth Vader sleeps with a Teddywookie.
13728 An accrual of straws on the backs of theories.
13731 Computerspeak for "information". Properly pronounced
13732 the way Bostonians pronounce the word for a female child.
13734 David Letterman's "Things we can be proud of as Americans":
13736 * Greatest number of citizens who have actually boarded a UFO
13737 * Many newspapers feature "JUMBLE"
13738 * Hourly motel rates
13739 * Vast majority of Elvis movies made here
13740 * Didn't just give up right away during World War II
13741 like some countries we could mention
13742 * Goatees & Van Dykes thought to be worn only by weenies
13743 * Our well-behaved golf professionals
13744 * Fabulous babes coast to coast
13746 Davis' Law of Traffic Density:
13747 The density of rush-hour traffic is directly proportional to
13748 1.5 times the amount of extra time you allow to arrive on time.
13751 Problems that go away by themselves, come back by themselves.
13754 The time when men of reason go to bed.
13756 Day of inquiry. You will be subpoenaed.
13759 Anyone in your company who is more senior than you are.
13761 Dealing with failure is easy:
13762 Work hard to improve.
13763 Success is also easy to handle:
13764 You've solved the wrong problem. Work hard to improve.
13766 Dealing with failure is easy: work hard to improve.
13767 Success is also easy to handle: you've solved the wrong problem. Work
13770 Dealing with the problem of pure staff accumulation,
13771 all our researches ... point to an average increase of 5.75% per year.
13775 How can I choose what groups to post in?
13779 Pick as many as you can, so that you get the widest audience. After
13780 all, the net exists to give you an audience. Ignore those who suggest you
13781 should only use groups where you think the article is highly appropriate.
13782 Pick all groups where anybody might even be slightly interested.
13783 Always make sure followups go to all the groups. In the rare event
13784 that you post a followup which contains something original, make sure you
13785 expand the list of groups. Never include a "Followup-to:" line in the
13786 header, since some people might miss part of the valuable discussion in
13788 -- Emily Postnews Answers Your Questions on Netiquette
13791 I collected replies to an article I wrote, and now it's time to
13792 summarize. What should I do?
13796 Simply concatenate all the articles together into a big file and post
13797 that. On USENET, this is known as a summary. It lets people read all the
13798 replies without annoying newsreaders getting in the way. Do the same when
13799 summarizing a vote.
13800 -- Emily Postnews Answers Your Questions on Netiquette
13803 I recently read an article that said, "reply by mail, I'll summarize."
13808 Post your response to the whole net. That request applies only to
13809 dumb people who don't have something interesting to say. Your postings are
13810 much more worthwhile than other people's, so it would be a waste to reply by
13812 -- Emily Postnews Answers Your Questions on Netiquette
13815 I saw a long article that I wish to rebut carefully, what should
13820 Include the entire text with your article, and include your comments
13821 between the lines. Be sure to post, and not mail, even though your article
13822 looks like a reply to the original. Everybody *loves* to read those long
13823 point-by-point debates, especially when they evolve into name-calling and
13824 lots of "Is too!" -- "Is not!" -- "Is too, twizot!" exchanges.
13825 -- Emily Postnews Answers Your Questions on Netiquette
13828 I'm having a serious disagreement with somebody on the net. I
13829 tried complaints to his sysadmin, organizing mail campaigns, called for
13830 his removal from the net and phoning his employer to get him fired.
13831 Everybody laughed at me. What can I do?
13832 -- A Concerned Citizen
13835 Go to the daily papers. Most modern reporters are top-notch computer
13836 experts who will understand the net, and your problems, perfectly. They
13837 will print careful, reasoned stories without any errors at all, and surely
13838 represent the situation properly to the public. The public will also all
13839 act wisely, as they are also fully cognizant of the subtle nature of net
13841 Papers never sensationalize or distort, so be sure to point out things
13842 like racism and sexism wherever they might exist. Be sure as well that they
13843 understand that all things on the net, particularly insults, are meant
13844 literally. Link what transpires on the net to the causes of the Holocaust, if
13845 possible. If regular papers won't take the story, go to a tabloid paper --
13846 they are always interested in good stories.
13849 I'm still confused as to what groups articles should be posted
13850 to. How about an example?
13854 Ok. Let's say you want to report that Gretzky has been traded from
13855 the Oilers to the Kings. Now right away you might think rec.sport.hockey
13856 would be enough. WRONG. Many more people might be interested. This is a
13857 big trade! Since it's a NEWS article, it belongs in the news.* hierarchy
13858 as well. If you are a news admin, or there is one on your machine, try
13859 news.admin. If not, use news.misc.
13860 The Oilers are probably interested in geology, so try sci.physics.
13861 He is a big star, so post to sci.astro, and sci.space because they are also
13862 interested in stars. Next, his name is Polish sounding. So post to
13863 soc.culture.polish. But that group doesn't exist, so cross-post to
13864 news.groups suggesting it should be created. With this many groups of
13865 interest, your article will be quite bizarre, so post to talk.bizarre as
13866 well. (And post to comp.std.mumps, since they hardly get any articles
13867 there, and a "comp" group will propagate your article further.)
13868 You may also find it is more fun to post the article once in each
13869 group. If you list all the newsgroups in the same article, some newsreaders
13870 will only show the article to the reader once! Don't tolerate this.
13871 -- Emily Postnews Answers Your Questions on Netiquette
13874 Today I posted an article and forgot to include my signature.
13879 Rush to your terminal right away and post an article that says,
13880 "Oops, I forgot to post my signature with that last article. Here
13882 Since most people will have forgotten your earlier article,
13883 (particularly since it dared to be so boring as to not have a nice, juicy
13884 signature) this will remind them of it. Besides, people care much more
13885 about the signature anyway.
13886 -- Emily Postnews Answers Your Questions on Netiquette
13888 Dear Emily, what about test messages?
13892 It is important, when testing, to test the entire net. Never test
13893 merely a subnet distribution when the whole net can be done. Also put "please
13894 ignore" on your test messages, since we all know that everybody always skips
13895 a message with a line like that. Don't use a subject like "My sex is female
13896 but I demand to be addressed as male." because such articles are read in depth
13898 -- Emily Postnews Answers Your Questions on Netiquette
13901 You don't know who I am and frankly shouldn't care, but
13902 unknown to you we have something in common. We are both rather
13903 prone to mistakes. I was elected Student Government President by
13904 mistake, and you came to school here by mistake.
13907 I just want a one-armed manager so I
13908 never have to hear "On the other hand", again.
13910 Dear Lord: Please make my words sweet and tender, for tomorrow I may
13914 My home economics teacher says that one must never place one's
13915 elbows on the table. However, I have read that one elbow, in between
13916 courses, is all right. Which is correct?
13919 For the purpose of answering examinations in your home
13920 economics class, your teacher is correct. Catching on to this principle
13921 of education may be of even greater importance to you now than learning
13922 correct current table manners, vital as Miss Manners believes that is.
13925 I carry a big black umbrella, even if there's just a thirty percent chance of
13926 rain. May I ask a young lady who is a stranger to me to share its protection?
13927 This morning, I was waiting for a bus in comparative comfort, my umbrella
13928 protecting me from the downpour, and noticed an attractive young woman getting
13929 soaked. I have often seen her at my bus stop, although we have never spoken,
13930 and I don't even know her name. Could I have asked her to get under my
13931 umbrella without seeming insulting?
13934 Certainly. Consideration for those less fortunate than you is always proper,
13935 although it would be more convincing if you stopped babbling about how
13936 attractive she is. In order not to give Good Samaritanism a bad name, Miss
13937 Manners asks you to allow her two or three rainy days of unmolested protection
13938 before making your attack.
13940 Dear Mister Language Person: I am curious about the expression, "Part of
13941 this complete breakfast". The way it comes up is, my 5-year-old will be
13942 watching TV cartoon shows in the morning, and they'll show a commercial for
13943 a children's compressed breakfast compound such as "Froot Loops" or "Lucky
13944 Charms", and they always show it sitting on a table next to some actual food
13945 such as eggs, and the announcer always says: "Part of this complete
13946 breakfast". Doesn't that really mean, "Adjacent to this complete breakfast",
13947 or "On the same table as this complete breakfast"? And couldn't they make
13948 essentially the same claim if, instead of Froot Loops, they put a can of
13949 shaving cream there, or a dead bat?
13954 Dear Mister Language Person: What is the purpose of the apostrophe?
13956 Answer: The apostrophe is used mainly in hand-lettered small business signs
13957 to alert the reader than an "S" is coming up at the end of a word, as in:
13958 WE DO NOT EXCEPT PERSONAL CHECK'S, or: NOT RESPONSIBLE FOR ANY ITEM'S.
13959 Another important grammar concept to bear in mind when creating hand- lettered
13960 small-business signs is that you should put quotation marks around random
13961 words for decoration, as in "TRY" OUR HOT DOG'S, or even TRY "OUR" HOT DOG'S.
13962 -- Dave Barry, "Tips for Writer's"
13965 I couldn't get mail through to somebody on another site. What
13970 No problem, just post your message to a group that a lot of people
13971 read. Say, "This is for John Smith. I couldn't get mail through so I'm
13972 posting it. All others please ignore."
13973 This way tens of thousands of people will spend a few seconds scanning
13974 over and ignoring your article, using up over 16 man-hours their collective
13975 time, but you will be saved the terrible trouble of checking through usenet
13976 maps or looking for alternate routes. Just think, if you couldn't distribute
13977 your message to 9000 other computers, you might actually have to (gasp) call
13978 directory assistance for 60 cents, or even phone the person. This can cost
13979 as much as a few DOLLARS (!) for a 5 minute call!
13980 And certainly it's better to spend 10 to 20 dollars of other people's
13981 money distributing the message than for you to have to waste $9 on an overnight
13982 letter, or even 25 cents on a stamp!
13983 Don't forget. The world will end if your message doesn't get through,
13984 so post it as many places as you can.
13985 -- Emily Postnews Answers Your Questions on Netiquette
13988 I am firmly opposed to the spread of microchips either to the home or
13989 to the office, We have more than enough of them foisted upon us in public
13990 places. They are a disgusting Americanism, and can only result in the farmers
13991 being forced to grow smaller potatoes, which in turn will cause massive un-
13992 employment in the already severely depressed agricultural industry.
13994 Capt. Quinton D'Arcy, J.P.
13996 -- Letters To The Editor, The Times of London
13999 To stop sinning suddenly.
14002 Death before dishonor.
14003 But neither before breakfast.
14005 Death comes on every passing breeze,
14006 He lurks in every flower;
14007 Each season has its own disease,
14008 Its peril -- every hour.
14011 Death has been proven to be 99% fatal in laboratory rats.
14013 Death is a spirit leaving a body, sort
14014 of like a shell leaving the nut behind.
14017 Death is God's way of telling you not to be such a wise guy.
14019 Death is life's way of telling you you've been fired.
14022 Death is Nature's way of recycling human beings.
14024 Death is nature's way of saying `Howdy'.
14026 Death is nature's way of telling you to slow down.
14028 Death rays don't kill people, people kill people!!
14031 The only wish that always comes true, whether or not one wishes it to.
14033 Debug is human, de-fix divine.
14035 DEC diagnostics would run on a dead whale.
14038 Decemba, n: The 12th month of the year.
14039 erra, n: A mistake.
14040 faa, n: To, from, or at considerable distance.
14041 Linder, n: A female name.
14042 memba, n: To recall to the mind; think of again.
14043 New Hampsha, n: A state in the northeast United States.
14044 New Yaak, n: Another state in the northeast United States.
14045 Novemba, n: The 11th month of the year.
14046 Octoba, n: The 10th month of the year.
14047 ova, n: Location above or across a specified position. What the
14048 season is when the Knicks quit playing.
14049 -- Massachewsetts Unabridged Dictionary
14052 The person in your office who was unable
14053 to form a task force before the music stopped.
14055 Decisions of the judges will be final unless shouted down by a really over-
14056 whelming majority of the crowd present. Abusive and obscene language may
14057 not be used by contestants when addressing members of the judging panel,
14058 or, conversely, by members of the judging panel when addressing contestants
14059 (unless struck by a boomerang).
14060 -- Mudgeeraba Creek Emu-Riding and Boomerang-Throwing Assoc.
14062 Declared guilty... of displaying feelings of an almost human nature.
14063 -- Pink Floyd, "The Wall"
14065 Decorate your home. It gives the illusion
14066 that your life is more interesting than it really is.
14069 "Deep" is a word like "theory" or "semantic" -- it implies all sorts of
14070 marvelous things. It's one thing to be able to say "I've got a theory",
14071 quite another to say "I've got a semantic theory", but, ah, those who can
14072 claim "I've got a deep semantic theory", they are truly blessed.
14076 The hardware's, of course.
14078 Defeat is worse than death because you have to live with defeat.
14081 #define BITCOUNT(x) (((BX_(x)+(BX_(x)>>4)) & 0x0F0F0F0F) % 255)
14082 #define BX_(x) ((x) - (((x)>>1)&0x77777777) \
14083 - (((x)>>2)&0x33333333) \
14084 - (((x)>>3)&0x11111111))
14086 -- Count the number of bits in a word.
14088 Deflector shields just came on, Captain.
14091 (cond ((null c) () )
14093 (append (list (eval (list 'getchar (list (car c) 'a) (cadr c))))
14095 (t (append (list (implode (nf a (car c)))) (nf a (cdr c))))))
14097 (defun AD (want-job challenging boston-area)
14099 ((or (not (equal want-job 'yes))
14100 (not (equal boston-area 'yes))
14101 (lessp challenging 7)) () )
14102 (t (append (nf (get 'ad 'expr)
14103 '((caaddr 1 caadr 2 car 1 car 1)
14104 (car 5 cadadr 9 cadadr 8 cadadr 9 caadr 4 car 2 car 1)
14106 (list '851-5071x2661)))))
14107 ;;; We are an affirmative action employer.
14110 French., already seen; unoriginal; trite.
14111 Psychol., The illusion of having previously experienced
14112 something actually being encountered for the first time.
14113 Psychol., The illusion of having previously experienced
14114 something actually being encountered for the first time.
14116 Delay is preferable to error.
14117 -- Thomas Jefferson
14119 Delay not, Caesar. Read it instantly.
14120 -- Shakespeare, "Julius Caesar" 3,1
14122 Here is a letter, read it at your leisure.
14123 -- Shakespeare, "Merchant of Venice" 5,1
14125 [Quoted in "VMS Internals and Data Structures", V4.4, when
14126 referring to I/O system services.]
14128 Deliberate provocation of mystical experience, particularly by LSD and
14129 related hallucinogens, in contrast to spontaneous visionary experiences,
14130 entails dangers that must not be underestimated. Practitioners must take
14131 into account the peculiar effects of these substances, namely their ability
14132 to influence our consciousness, the innermost essence of our being. The
14133 history of LSD to date amply demonstrates the catastrophic consequences that
14134 can ensue when its profound effect is misjudged and the substance is mistaken
14135 for a pleasure drug. Special internal and external advance preparations
14136 are required; with them, an LSD experiment can become a meaningful experience.
14137 -- Dr. Albert Hoffman, the discoverer of LSD
14139 I believe that if people would learn to use LSD's vision-inducing capability
14140 more wisely, under suitable conditions, in medical practice and in conjunction
14141 with meditation, then in the future this problem child could become a wonder
14143 -- Dr. Albert Hoffman
14146 The act of examining one's bread
14147 to determine which side it is buttered on.
14149 Deliver yesterday, code today, think tomorrow.
14151 Delores breezed along the surface of her life like a flat stone forever
14152 skipping along smooth water, rippling reality sporadically but oblivious
14153 to it consistently, until she finally lost momentum, sank, and due to an
14154 overdose of fluoride as a child which caused her to suffer from chronic
14155 apathy, doomed herself to lie forever on the floor of her life as useless
14156 as an appendix and as lonely as a five-hundred pound barbell in a
14157 steroid-free fitness center.
14158 -- Winning sentence, 1990 Bulwer-Lytton bad fiction contest.
14160 Delusions are often functional. A mother's opinions about
14161 her children's beauty, intelligence, goodness, et cetera ad
14162 nauseam, keep her from drowning them at birth.
14164 Democracy becomes a government of bullies, tempered by editors.
14165 -- Ralph Waldo Emerson
14167 Democracy is a form of government in which it is permitted to wonder
14168 aloud what the country could do under first-class management.
14171 Democracy is a form of government that substitutes election by the
14172 incompetent many for appointment by the corrupt few.
14175 Democracy is a process by which the people are free to choose the man who
14176 will get the blame.
14177 -- Laurence J. Peter
14179 Democracy is also a form of worship.
14180 It is the worship of Jackals by Jackasses.
14183 Democracy is the name we give the people whenever we need them.
14184 -- Arman de Caillavet, 1913
14186 Democracy is the recurrent suspicion that more than half
14187 of the people are right more than half of the time.
14190 Democracy is the theory that the common people know what they want, and
14191 deserve to get it good and hard.
14192 -- H.L. Mencken, "Little Book in C major", 1916
14194 Democracy is the worst form of government except all those other
14195 forms that have been tried from time to time.
14196 -- Winston Churchill
14199 A government of the masses. Authority derived through mass meeting
14200 or any other form of direct expression. Results in mobocracy. Attitude
14201 toward property is communistic... negating property rights. Attitude toward
14202 law is that the will of the majority shall regulate, whether it is based
14203 upon deliberation or governed by passion, prejudice, and impulse, without
14204 restraint or regard to consequences. Result is demagogism, license,
14205 agitation, discontent, anarchy.
14206 -- U. S. Army Training Manual No. 2000-25 (1928-1932),
14210 In which you say what you like and do what you're told.
14213 The difference between a Democracy and a Dictatorship is that in a
14214 Democracy you vote first and take orders later; in a Dictatorship
14215 you don't have to waste your time voting.
14216 -- Charles Bukowski
14218 Democrats buy most of the books that have been banned somewhere.
14219 Republicans form censorship committees and read them as a group.
14221 Republicans consume three-fourths of the rutabaga produced in the USA.
14222 The remainder is thrown out.
14224 Republicans usually wear hats and almost always clean their paint brushes.
14226 Republicans study the financial pages of the newspaper.
14227 Democrats put them in the bottom of the bird cage.
14229 Most of the stuff alongside the road has been thrown out of car
14230 windows by Democrats.
14231 -- Paul Dickson, "The Official Rules"
14233 Dental health is next to mental health.
14236 A Prestidigitator who, putting metal in one's mouth,
14237 pulls coins out of one's pockets.
14241 A smallish city located just below the `O' in Colorado.
14243 Depart in pieces, i.e., split.
14245 Depart not from the path which fate has assigned you.
14247 Department chairmen never die, they just lose their faculties.
14249 Depend on the rabbit's foot if you will,
14250 but remember, it didn't help the rabbit.
14253 Deprive a mirror of its silver and even the Czar won't see his face.
14255 Der Horizont vieler Menschen ist ein Kreis mit Radius Null -
14256 und das nennen sie ihren Standpunkt.
14259 What you regret not doing later on.
14262 What you regret not doing later on.
14264 Desist from enumerating your fowl
14265 prior to their emergence from the shell.
14267 Despite all appearances, your boss
14268 is a thinking, feeling, human being.
14270 Dessert is probably the most important stage of the meal, since it will
14271 be the last thing your guests remember before they pass out all over
14273 -- The Anarchist Cookbook
14275 Destiny is a good thing to accept when it's going your way. When it isn't,
14276 don't call it destiny; call it injustice, treachery, or simple bad luck.
14277 -- Joseph Heller, "God Knows"
14279 Detroit is Cleveland without the glitter.
14282 If you hit two keys on the typewriter,
14283 the one you don't want hits the paper.
14285 Dianetics is a milestone for man comparable to his discovery of
14286 fire and superior to his invention of the wheel and the arch.
14289 Dibble's First Law of Sociology:
14290 Some do, some don't.
14292 Did it ever occur to you that fat chance
14293 and slim chance mean the same thing?
14295 Or that we drive on parkways and park on driveways?
14297 Did you ever notice that everyone in favour of birth control
14298 has already been born?
14301 Did you ever walk into a room and forget why you walked in? I think
14302 that's how dogs spend their lives.
14305 Did you ever wonder what you'd say to God if He sneezed?
14307 "Did YOU find a DIGITAL WATCH in YOUR box of VELVEETA?"
14308 -- Zippy the Pinhead
14310 Did you hear about the model who sat
14311 on a broken bottle and cut a nice figure?
14313 Did you hear that Captain Crunch, Sugar Bear, Tony the Tiger, and
14314 Snap, Crackle and Pop were all murdered recently...
14316 Police suspect the work of a cereal killer!
14318 Did you hear that there's a group of South American Indians that worship
14323 Did you hear that two rabbits escaped from the zoo and so far they have
14324 only recaptured 116 of them?
14327 EVERY TIME A LOAF OF BREAD IS BAKED,
14329 150,000,000 YEASTS ARE
14332 Come to the award-winning 1987 film,
14333 "The Very Small and Quiet Screams"
14334 -- a cinematic electromicrograph of yeasts being baked.
14336 A must for those who care about yeast, and especially for those who don't.
14339 Brown Anaerobe Rights Coalition (BARC)
14340 Student Bakers for Social Responsibility
14341 Coalition for the ELevation of Life (CELL)
14342 Campus Crusade for Fetal Matters
14344 Defend all life: "From greatest to least, from human to yeast!"
14346 Did you know about the -o option of the fortune program? It makes a
14347 selection from a set of offensive and/or obscene fortunes. Why not
14348 try it, and see how offended you are? The -a ("all") option will
14349 select a fortune at random from either the offensive or inoffensive
14350 set, and it is suggested that "fortune -a" is the command that you
14351 should have in your .profile or .cshrc. file.
14353 Did you know that clones never use mirrors?
14355 Did you know that for the price of a 280-Z you can buy two Z-80's?
14358 Did you know the University of Iowa
14359 closed down after someone stole the book?
14363 That no-one ever reads these things?
14365 Didja' ever have to make up your mind,
14366 Pick up on one and leave the other behind,
14367 It's not often easy, and it's not often kind,
14368 Didja' ever have to make up your mind?
14371 Didja hear about the dyslexic devil worshipper who sold his soul to Santa?
14373 "Didn't I buy a 1951 Packard from you last March in Cairo?"
14374 -- Zippy the Pinhead
14376 Die? I should say not, dear fellow. No Barrymore
14377 would allow such a conventional thing to happen to him.
14378 -- John Barrymore's dying words
14380 Diet Mountain Dew has the same pH and density of urine.
14381 -- Newsweek, 31 July, 1989
14383 Dieters live life in the fasting lane.
14385 Different all twisty a of in maze are you, passages little.
14387 Digital circuits are made from analog parts.
14390 Dignity is like a flag.
14391 It flaps in a storm.
14396 Dimensions will always be expressed in the least usable term, convertible
14397 only through the use of weird and unnatural conversion factors. Velocity,
14398 for example, will be expressed in furlongs per fortnight.
14400 Dinner is ready when the smoke alarm goes off.
14402 Dinner suggestion #302 (Hacker's De-lite):
14403 1 tin imported Brisling sardines in tomato sauce
14404 1 pouch Chocolate Malt Carnation Instant Breakfast
14407 Dinosaurs aren't extinct. They've just learned to hide in the trees.
14409 Diogenes, having abandoned his search for
14410 truth, is now searching for a good fantasy.
14412 Diogenes went to look for an honest lawyer. "How's it going?", someone
14413 asked him, after a few days.
14414 "Not too bad", replied Diogenes. "I still have my lantern."
14416 Diplomacy is about surviving until the next century.
14417 Politics is about surviving until Friday afternoon.
14418 -- Sir Humphrey Appleby
14420 Diplomacy is the art of letting someone else have your way.
14422 Diplomacy is the art of letting the other party have things your way.
14425 Diplomacy is the art of saying "nice doggie" until you can find a rock.
14428 Diplomacy is to do and say, the nastiest thing in the nicest way.
14434 Dirksen's Three Laws of Politics:
14438 3: Don't get mad, get even.
14439 -- Sen. Everett Dirksen
14442 As distinguished from some other bar.
14444 Disc space -- the final frontier!
14447 Use of this advanced computing technology does not imply
14448 an endorsement of Western industrial civilization.
14450 Disclose classified information only when a NEED TO KNOW exists.
14452 Disco is to music what Etch-A-Sketch is to art.
14454 Disease can be cured; fate is incurable.
14457 Dishonor will not trouble me, once I am dead.
14460 Disk crisis, please clean up!
14462 Disks travel in packs.
14464 Disraeli was pretty close: actually, there are Lies, Damn lies, Statistics,
14465 Benchmarks, and Delivery dates.
14467 Distance doesn't make you any smaller,
14468 but it does make you part of a larger picture.
14471 A disease incurred by exposure to the prosperity of a friend.
14473 Distrust all those who love you extremely upon a very slight
14474 acquaintance and without any visible reason.
14475 -- Lord Chesterfield
14477 Ditat Deus. (God enriches.)
14479 Divorce is a game played by lawyers.
14482 Do clones have navels?
14484 Do I like getting drunk? Depends on who's doing the drinking.
14487 Do Miami a favor. When you leave, take someone with you.
14489 Do molecular biologists wear designer genes?
14491 Do more than anyone expects, and pretty soon everyone will expect more.
14493 Do not believe in miracles -- rely on them.
14495 Do not clog intellect's sluices with bits of knowledge of questionable uses.
14497 Do not count your chickens before they are hatched.
14500 Do not despair of life. You have no doubt force enough to overcome
14501 your obstacles. Think of the fox prowling through wood and field in
14502 a winter night for something to satisfy his hunger. Notwithstanding
14503 cold and hounds and traps, his race survives. I do not believe any
14504 of them ever committed suicide.
14505 -- Henry David Thoreau
14507 Do not do unto others as you would they should do unto you.
14508 Their tastes may not be the same.
14509 -- George Bernard Shaw
14511 Do not drink coffee in early A.M. It will keep you awake until noon.
14513 Do not handicap your children by making their lives easy.
14516 Do not meddle in the affairs of troff, for it is subtle and quick to anger.
14518 Do not meddle in the affairs of wizards,
14519 for they become soggy and hard to light.
14521 Do not throw cigarette butts in the urinal,
14522 for they are subtle and quick to anger.
14524 Do not overtax your powers.
14526 Do not read this fortune under penalty of law.
14527 Violators will be prosecuted.
14528 (Penal Code sec. 2.3.2 (II.a.))
14530 Do not seek death; death will find you.
14531 But seek the road which makes death a fulfillment.
14532 -- Dag Hammarskjold
14534 Do not simplify the design of a program if a way
14535 can be found to make it complex and wonderful.
14537 Do not sleep in a eucalyptus tree tonight.
14539 Do not stoop to tie your laces in your neighbor's melon patch.
14541 Do not take life too seriously; you will never get out of it alive.
14543 Do not think by infection, catching an opinion like a cold.
14545 Do not try to solve all life's problems at once --
14546 learn to dread each day as it comes.
14549 Do not underestimate the power of the Farce.
14551 Do not underestimate the power of the Force.
14553 Do not use that foreign word "ideals". We have that excellent native
14555 -- Henrik Ibsen, "The Wild Duck"
14557 Do not use the blue keys on this terminal.
14559 Do not worry about which side your
14560 bread is buttered on: you eat BOTH sides.
14562 Do nothing unless you must, and when you must act -- hesitate.
14564 Do, or do not; there is no try.
14566 Do people know you have freckles everywhere?
14568 Do something unusual today. Pay a bill.
14570 Do students of Zen Buddhism do Om-work?
14572 Do unto others before they undo you.
14574 Do what comes naturally. Seethe and fume and throw a tantrum.
14576 Do what thou wilt shall be the whole of the Law.
14577 -- Aleister Crowley
14579 Do what you can to prolong your life,
14580 in the hope that someday you'll learn what it's for.
14582 Do you believe in intuition?
14583 No, but I have a strange feeling that someday I will.
14585 Do you feel personally responsible for the world food shortage?
14586 Every time you go to the beach, does the tide come in?
14587 Have you ever eaten an entire moose?
14588 Can you see your neck?
14589 Do joggers take laps around you for exercise?
14590 If so, welcome to National Fat Week.
14591 This week we'll eat without guilt, and kick off our membership campaign,
14592 ...by force-feeding a box of cornstarch to a skinny person.
14595 Do you guys know what you're doing, or are you just hacking?
14597 Do YOU have redeeming social value?
14599 Do you know, I think that Dr. Swift was silly to laugh about Laputa.
14600 I believe it is a mistake to make a mock of people, just because they
14601 think. There are ninety thousand people in this world who do not
14602 think, for every one who does, and these people hate the thinkers
14603 like poison. Even if some thinkers are fanciful, it is wrong to make
14604 fun of them for it. Better to think about cucumbers even, than not
14608 Do you know Montana?
14610 Do you know the difference between education and experience? Education
14611 is when you read the fine print; experience is what you get when you don't.
14614 Do you mean that you not only want a wrong
14615 answer, but a certain wrong answer?
14618 Do you realize the responsibility I carry? I'm the only person standing
14619 between Nixon and the White House.
14620 -- John F. Kennedy, in 1960
14622 Do you suffer painful elimination?
14623 -- Don Knuth, "Structured Programming with Gotos"
14625 Do you suffer painful recrimination?
14626 -- Nancy Boxer, "Structured Programming with Come-froms"
14628 Do you suffer painful illumination?
14629 -- Isaac Newton, "Optics"
14631 Do you suffer painful hallucination?
14632 -- Don Juan, cited by Carlos Casteneda
14634 Do you think that illiterate people get the full effect of alphabet soup?
14636 Do you think that when they asked George Washington for ID that he
14637 just whipped out a quarter?
14640 "Do you think there's a God?"
14641 "Well, SOMEbody's out to get me!"
14642 -- Calvin and Hobbes
14644 "Do you think what we're doing is wrong?"
14645 "Of course it's wrong! It's illegal!"
14646 "I've never done anything illegal before."
14647 "I thought you said you were an accountant!"
14649 Do you think your mother and I should have lived
14650 comfortably so long together if ever we had been married?
14652 Do you want to know what's ahead for you, in your happiness at home,
14653 your business success? Here's a telling test: Look in the mirror. Is
14654 your skin smooth and lovely, your hair gleaming, your make-up glamorous?
14655 Are you slender enough for your height? Do you stand erect, confident?
14656 Yes? Then you are on your way to success as a woman.
14657 -- Ladies Home Journal, 1947 advertisement
14659 Do your otters do the shimmy?
14660 Do they like to shake their tails?
14661 Do your wombats sleep in tophats?
14662 Is your garden full of snails?
14664 Do your part to help preserve life on
14665 Earth -- by trying to preserve your own.
14667 Doctors and lawyers must go to school for years and years, often with
14668 little sleep and with great sacrifice to their first wives.
14669 -- Roy G. Blount, Jr.
14672 Instructions translated from Swedish by Japanese for English
14675 Documentation is the castor oil of programming. Managers know it must
14676 be good because the programmers hate it so much.
14678 Does a good farmer neglect a crop he has planted?
14679 Does a good teacher overlook even the most humble student?
14680 Does a good father allow a single child to starve?
14681 Does a good programmer refuse to maintain his code?
14682 -- Geoffrey James, "The Tao of Programming"
14684 Does a one-legged duck swim in a circle?
14686 Does the name Pavlov ring a bell?
14688 Dogs just don't seem to be able to tell the difference between important people
14689 and the rest of us.
14691 Doin' it in the dark, down in Rock Creek Park.
14693 Doing gets it done.
14695 Domestic happiness and faithful friends.
14698 Ameche: I didn't know you had a cousin Penelope, Bill!
14700 W.C.: Well, her face was so wrinkled it looked like seven miles of
14701 bad road. She had so many gold teeth, Don, she use to have
14702 to sleep with her head in a safe. She died in Bolivia.
14703 Don: Oh Bill, it must be hard to lose a relative.
14704 W.C.: It's almost impossible.
14705 -- W.C. Fields, "The Further Adventures of Larson E.
14706 Whipsnade and other Tarradiddles"
14708 Don't abandon hope.
14709 Your Captain Midnight decoder ring arrives tomorrow.
14711 Don't assume that every sad-eyed woman has loved and lost -- she may
14714 Don't be concerned, it will not harm you,
14715 It's only me pursuing something I'm not sure of,
14716 Across my dreams, with neptive wonder,
14717 I chase the bright elusive butterfly of love.
14719 Don't be humble, you're not that great.
14722 Don't be irreplaceable, if you can't be replaced, you can't be promoted.
14724 Don't be overly suspicious where it's not warranted.
14726 Don't believe everything you hear or anything you say.
14728 Don't buy a landslide. I don't want to have to pay for one more vote
14730 -- Joseph P. Kennedy, on JFK's election strategy.
14732 Don't compare floating point numbers solely for equality.
14734 Don't confuse things that need action
14735 with those that take care of themselves.
14737 Don't cook tonight -- starve a rat today!
14739 Don't crush that dwarf, hand me the pliers!
14740 -- Firesign Theatre
14742 Don't despair; your ideal lover is waiting for you around the corner.
14744 Don't despise your poor relations, they may become suddenly rich one day.
14747 Don't do the crime, if you can't do the time.
14748 -- Lt. Col. Ollie North
14750 Don't do unto others as you would they should do unto you.
14751 Their tastes may not be the same.
14754 Don't drink when you drive -- you might hit a bump and spill it.
14756 Don't drop acid -- take it pass/fail.
14757 -- Seen in a Ladies Room at Harvard
14759 Don't eat yellow snow.
14761 Don't ever slam a door; you might want to go back.
14763 Don't everyone thank me at once!
14766 Don't expect people to keep in step--
14767 it's hard enough just staying in line.
14769 Don't feed the bats tonight.
14771 Don't force it, get a larger hammer.
14774 Don't get even, get odd.
14776 Don't get mad, get even.
14777 -- Joseph P. Kennedy
14779 Don't get even, get jewelry.
14782 Don't get mad, get interest.
14784 Don't get stuck in a closet -- wear yourself out.
14786 Don't get suckered in by the comments -- they
14787 can be terribly misleading. Debug only code.
14790 Don't get to bragging.
14792 Don't go around saying the world owes you a living.
14793 The world owes you nothing. It was here first.
14796 Don't go surfing in South Dakota for a while.
14798 Don't go to bed with no price on your head.
14801 Don't guess - check your security regulations.
14803 Don't hate yourself in the morning -- sleep till noon.
14805 Don't have good ideas if you aren't willing to be responsible for them.
14807 Don't hit the keys so hard, it hurts.
14811 Don't interfere with the stranger's style.
14813 Don't just eat a hamburger; eat the HELL out of it.
14814 -- J.R. "Bob" Dobbs
14816 Don't kid yourself. Little is relevant, and nothing lasts forever.
14818 Don't kiss an elephant on the lips today.
14820 Don't knock President Fillmore. He kept us out of Vietnam.
14822 Don't know what time I'll be back, Mom.
14823 Probably soon after she throws me out.
14825 Don't let go of what you've got hold of,
14826 until you have hold of something else.
14827 -- First Rule of Wing Walking
14829 Don't let nobody tell you what you cannot do;
14830 don't let nobody tell you what's impossible for you;
14831 don't let nobody tell you what you got to do,
14832 or you'll never know ... what's on the other side of the rainbow...
14833 remember, if you don't follow your dreams,
14834 you'll never know what's on the other side of the rainbow...
14835 -- melba moore, "the other side of the rainbow"
14837 Don't let people drive you crazy when you know it's in walking distance.
14839 Don't let your status become too quo!
14841 Don't look back, the lemmings are gaining on you.
14843 Don't look back, the lemmings might be gaining on you.
14845 Don't look now, but the man in the moon is laughing at you.
14847 Don't look now, but there is a multi-legged creature on your shoulder.
14853 Your brains are in it.
14856 Don't make a big deal out of everything; just deal with everything.
14858 Don't marry for money; you can borrow it cheaper.
14859 -- Scottish Proverb
14861 Don't mind him; politicians always sound like that.
14863 Don't plan any hasty moves.
14864 You'll be evicted soon anyway.
14866 Don't put off for tomorrow what you can do today because
14867 if you do it today, you can do it again tomorrow.
14869 Don't put too fine a point to your wit for fear it should get blunted.
14870 -- Miguel de Cervantes
14872 Don't quit now, we might just as well
14873 lock the door and throw away the key.
14875 Don't read any sky-writing for the next two weeks.
14877 Don't read everything you believe.
14879 Don't relax! It's only your tension that's holding you together.
14881 Don't remember what you can infer.
14884 Don't say "yes" until I finish talking.
14885 -- Darryl F. Zanuck
14887 Don't shoot until you're sure you both aren't on the same side.
14889 Don't shout for help at night. You might wake your neighbors.
14890 -- Stanislaw J. Lem, "Unkempt Thoughts"
14892 Don't smoke the next cigarette. Repeat.
14894 Don't speak about Time, until you have spoken to him.
14896 Don't steal... the IRS hates competition!
14898 Don't stop to stomp ants when the elephants are stampeding.
14900 Don't sweat it -- it's only ones and zeros.
14903 Don't take a nickel, just hand them your business card.
14904 -- Richard Daley, advising on the safe enjoyment of graft
14906 Don't take life seriously, you'll never get out alive.
14908 Don't talk to me about naval tradition. It's nothing but rum,
14909 sodomy and the lash.
14910 -- Winston Churchill
14912 Don't tell any big lies today. Small ones can be just as effective.
14914 Don't tell me how hard you work. Tell me how much you get done.
14917 Don't tell me that worry doesn't do any good.
14918 I know better. The things I worry about don't happen.
14919 -- Watchman Examiner
14921 Don't tell me what you dream'd last night for I've been reading Freud.
14923 Don't try to have the last word -- you might get it.
14926 Don't try to outweird me, three-eyes. I get stranger things than you free
14927 with my breakfast cereal.
14928 -- Zaphod Beeblebrox
14930 Don't vote - it only encourages them!
14932 Don't wake me up too soon...
14933 Gonna take a ride across the moon...
14936 Don't worry. Life's too long.
14937 -- Vincent Sardi, Jr.
14939 Don't worry -- the brontosaurus is slow, stupid, and placid.
14941 Don't worry about people stealing your ideas. If your ideas
14942 are any good, you'll have to ram them down people's throats.
14945 Don't worry about the world coming to an end today.
14946 It's already tomorrow in Australia.
14949 Don't Worry, Be Happy.
14952 Don't worry if you're a kleptomaniac,
14953 you can always take something for it.
14955 Don't worry over what other people are thinking about you.
14956 They're too busy worrying over what you are thinking about them.
14958 Don't worry so loud, your roommate can't think.
14960 Don't you feel more like you do now than you did when you came in?
14962 "Don't you think what we're doing is wrong?"
14963 "Of course it's wrong! It's illegal!"
14964 "Well, I've never done anything illegal before."
14965 "... I thought you said you were an accountant."
14967 Don't you wish that all the people who sincerely
14968 want to help you could agree with each other?
14970 Don't you wish you had more energy... or less ambition?
14972 Dope will get you through times of no money better that money will get
14973 you through times of no dope.
14976 Dorothy: But how can you talk without a brain?
14977 Scarecrow: Well, I don't know... but some people
14978 without brains do an awful lot of talking.
14979 -- The Wizard of Oz
14983 Double Bucky, you're the one,
14984 You make my keyboard so much fun,
14985 Double Bucky, an additional bit or two, (Vo-vo-de-o)
14986 Control and meta, side by side,
14987 Augmented ASCII, 9 bits wide!
14988 Double Bucky, a half a thousand glyphs, plus a few!
14990 Oh, I sure wish that I,
14991 Had a couple of bits more!
14992 Perhaps a set of pedals to make the number of bits four.
14994 Double Double Bucky! Double Bucky left and right
14995 OR'd together, outta sight!
14996 Double Bucky, I'd like a whole word of,
14997 Double Bucky, I'm happy I heard of,
14998 Double Bucky, I'd like a whole word of you!
14999 -- to Nicholas Wirth, who suggested that an extra bit
15000 be added to terminal codes on 36-bit machines for use
15001 by screen editors. [to the tune of "Rubber Ducky"]
15003 double-blind Experiment, n:
15004 An experiment in which the chief researcher believes he is
15005 fooling both the subject and the lab assistant. Often accompanied
15006 by a strong belief in the tooth fairy.
15008 Doubt is a not a pleasant mental state, but certainty is a ridiculous one.
15011 Doubt is not a pleasant condition, but certainty is absurd.
15014 Doubt isn't the opposite of faith; it is an element of faith.
15015 -- Paul Tillich, German theologian.
15017 Down to the Banana Republics,
15018 Down to the tropical sun.
15019 Go the expatriated Americans,
15020 Hoping to find some fun.
15021 Some of them go for the sailing,
15022 Caught by the lure of the sea.
15023 Trying to find what is ailing,
15024 Living in the land of the free.
15025 Some of them are running from lovers,
15026 Leaving no forward address.
15027 Some of them are running tons of ganja,
15028 Some are running from the IRS.
15029 Late at night you will find them,
15030 In the cheap hotels and bars.
15031 Hustling the senoritas,
15032 While they dance beneath the stars.
15033 -- Jimmy Buffet, "Banana Republics"
15035 Down with the categorical imperative!
15038 In a hierarchical organization,
15039 the higher the level, the greater the confusion.
15041 Dozens of bears are found dead in Alaska and Canada every summer, killed
15042 by blood lost to the voracious mosquito. The estimated life-expectancy
15043 of a naked man on the tundra in summer is about 15 minutes. In that
15044 time, approximately 250,000 mosquitoes would have drawn enough blood to
15046 -- Gus McLeavy, "Day-by-Day Trivia Almanac"
15048 Dr. Fritzkee's Lucky Astrology Diet
15050 The problem with the diets of today is that most women who do achieve
15051 that magic weight, seventy-six pounds, are still fat. Dr. Fritzkee's
15052 Lucky Astrology Diet is a sure-fire method of reducing with the added
15053 luxury that you never feel hungry.
15055 Here's how the diet works:
15058 First Month: One egg
15059 Second Month: A raisin
15060 Third Month: Pumpkin pie with whipped cream and chocolate sauce.
15062 If after the third month you haven't gotten to your dream weight, try
15063 lopping off parts of your body until those scales tip just right for you.
15065 Dr. Jekyll had something to Hyde.
15068 Dr. Livingston I. Presume?
15070 Draft beer, not people.
15072 Drakenberg's Discovery:
15073 If you can't seem to find your glasses,
15074 it's probably because you don't have them on.
15076 Drawing on my fine command of language, I said nothing.
15078 Dreams are free, but there's a small charge for alterations.
15080 Dreams are free, but you get soaked on the connect time.
15082 Drew's Law of Highway Biology:
15083 The first bug to hit a clean windshield
15084 lands directly in front of your eyes.
15086 Drilling for oil is boring.
15088 Drink and dance and laugh and lie
15089 Love, the reeling midnight through
15090 For tomorrow we shall die!
15091 (But, alas, we never do.)
15092 -- Dorothy Parker, "The Flaw in Paganism"
15094 Drink Canada Dry! You might not succeed, but it *is* fun trying.
15096 Drinking coffee for instant relaxation? That's like drinking alcohol for
15097 instant motor skills.
15100 Drinking is not a spectator sport.
15103 Drinking makes such fools of people, and people are such fools to begin
15104 with, that it's compounding a felony.
15107 Drinking when we are not thirsty and making love at all seasons, madam:
15108 that is all there is to distinguish us from the other animals.
15109 -- Pierre de Beaumarchais, "Le Marriage de Figaro"
15111 Drive defensively, buy a tank.
15113 Driving in Texas is simple. For the first 100 miles you swerve to
15114 avoid jackrabbits. For the second 100 miles you hit whatever
15115 jackrabbits get in the way. After that you chase off into the
15118 Driving through a Swiss city one day, Alfred Hitchcock suddenly pointed out
15119 of the car window and said, "That is the most frightening sight I have ever
15120 seen." His companion was surprised to see nothing more alarming than a
15121 priest in conversation with a little boy, his hand on the child's shoulder.
15122 "Run, little boy," cried Hitchcock, leaning out of the car. "Run for your
15127 DROP THE DAMN BEAR!!!
15130 Drop the vase and it will become a Ming of the past.
15134 A substance that, when injected into a rat, produces a scientific
15137 Drugs may be the road to nowhere, but at least they're the scenic route!
15139 Drunks are rarely amusing unless they know some good songs and lose a
15143 Ducharme's Precept:
15144 Opportunity always knocks at the least opportune moment.
15147 If you view your problem closely enough you will recognize
15148 yourself as part of the problem.
15152 Ducks? What ducks??
15154 Duct tape is like the force. It has a light side,
15155 and a dark side, and it holds the universe together.
15158 Due to a shortage of devoted followers, the
15159 production of great leaders has been discontinued.
15161 Due to circumstances beyond your control, you are master of your
15162 fate and captain of your soul.
15164 Dungeons and Dragons is just a lot of Saxon Violence.
15166 During almost fifteen centuries the legal establishment of Christianity has
15167 been upon trial. What has been its fruits? More or less, in all places,
15168 pride and indolence in the clergy; ignorance and servility in the laity,;
15169 in both, superstition, bigotry, and persecution.
15172 During the next two hours, the VAX will be going up and down
15173 several times, often with lin~po_
\a~{po ~poz~ppo\~{ o n~po_
\a~
15174 {o[po ~poodsou>#w4k**n~po_
\a~{ol;lkld;f;g;dd;po\~{o
15176 During the Reagan-Mondale debates:
15178 Q: "Do you feel that a person's age affects his ability to
15179 perform as president?"
15180 Reagan: "I refuse to make an issue out of my opponent's youth and
15183 During the voyage of life, remember to keep an eye out for a
15184 fair wind; batten down during a storm; hail all passing ships;
15185 and fly your colors proudly.
15187 Dustin Farnum: Why, yesterday, I had the audience glued to their seats!
15188 Oliver Herford: Wonderful! Wonderful! Clever of you to think of it!
15189 -- Brian Herbert, "Classic Comebacks"
15192 What one expects from others.
15195 Dying is a very dull, dreary affair. My advice to you is to have
15196 nothing whatever to do with it.
15197 -- W. Somerset Maugham, his last words
15199 Dying is easy. Comedy is difficult.
15200 -- Actor Edmond Gween, on his deathbed.
15202 Dying is one of the few things that can be done as easily lying down.
15209 Each man is his own prisoner, in solitary confinement for life.
15211 Each new user of a new system uncovers a new class of bugs.
15214 Each of these cults correspond to one of the two antagonists in the age of
15215 Reformation. In the realm of the Apple Macintosh, as in Catholic Europe,
15216 worshipers peer devoutly into screens filled with "icons." All is sound and
15217 imagery and Appledom. Even words look like decorative filigrees in exotic
15218 typefaces. The greatest icon of all, the inviolable Apple itself, stands in
15219 the dominate position at the upper-left corner of the screen. A central
15220 corporate headquarters decrees the form of all rites and practices.
15221 Infallible doctrine issues from one executive officer whose selection occurs
15222 in a sealed boardroom. Should anyone in his curia question his powers, the
15223 offender is excommunicated into outer darkness. The expelled heretic founds
15224 a new company, mutters obscurely of the coming age and the next computer,
15225 then disappears into silence, taking his stockholders with him. The mother
15226 company forbids financial competition as sternly as it stifles ideological
15227 competition; if you want to use computer programs that conform to Apple's
15228 orthodoxy, you must buy a computer made and sold by Apple itself.
15229 -- Edward Mendelson, "The New Republic", February 22, 1988
15231 Each of us bears his own Hell.
15232 -- Publius Vergilius Maro (Virgil)
15234 Each person has the right to take part in the management of public affairs
15235 in his country, provided he has prior experience, a will to succeed, a
15236 university degree, influential parents, good looks, a curriculum vitae, two
15237 3 X 4 snapshots, and a good tax record.
15239 Each person has the right to take the subway.
15243 NAME: Jean-Luc Perriwinkle Picard
15244 OCCUPATION: Starship Big Cheese
15246 BIRTHPLACE: Paris, Terra Sector
15250 LAST MAGAZINE READ:
15251 Lobes 'n' Probes, the Ferengi-Betazoid Sex Quarterly
15252 TEA: Earl Grey. Hot.
15254 EARL GREY NEVER VARIES.
15256 Earl Wiener, 55, a University of Miami professor of management
15257 science, telling the Airline Pilots Association (in jest) about
15258 21st century aircraft:
15260 "The crew will consist of one pilot and a dog. The pilot will
15261 nurture and feed the dog. The dog will be there to bite the
15262 pilot if he touches anything.
15263 -- Fortune, Sept. 26, 1988
15265 Early to bed and early to rise and you'll
15266 be groggy when everyone else is wide awake.
15268 Early to rise and early to bed makes
15269 a man healthy and wealthy and dead.
15272 Earn cash in your spare time -- blackmail your friends.
15274 Earth Destroyed by Solar Flare -- film clips at eleven.
15276 /earth: file system full.
15278 /Earth is 98% full ... please delete anyone you can.
15280 Earth is a great funhouse without the fun.
15283 Easiest Color to Solve on a Rubik's Cube: Black.
15285 Simply remove all the little colored stickers on the cube, and each of
15286 side of the cube will now be the original color of the plastic underneath
15287 -- black. According to the instructions, this means the puzzle is solved.
15289 Easy come and easy go,
15290 some call me easy money,
15291 Sometimes life is full of laughs,
15292 and sometimes it ain't funny
15293 You may think that I'm a fool
15294 and sometimes that is true,
15295 But I'm goin' to heaven in a flash of fire,
15296 with or without you.
15299 Eat as much as you like -- just don't swallow it.
15300 -- Harry Secombe's diet
15302 Eat, drink, and be merry! Tomorrow you may be in Utah.
15304 Eat, drink, and be merry, for tomorrow we diet.
15306 Eat one live frog the first thing in the morning and nothing worse will
15307 happen to either of you for the rest of the day.
15309 Eat one live toad the first thing in the morning and nothing worse
15310 will happen to you the rest of the day.
15312 [Well, actually, to either of you... Ed.]
15314 Eat right, stay fit, and die anyway.
15316 Eat the rich, the poor are tough and stringy.
15318 Eating chocolate is like being in love without the aggravation.
15320 Economics is extremely useful as a form of employment for economists.
15321 -- John Kenneth Galbraith
15324 Economics is the study of the value and meaning of J.K. Galbraith.
15325 -- Mike Harding, "The Armchair Anarchist's Almanac"
15327 Economies of scale:
15328 The notion that bigger is better. In particular, that if you want
15329 a certain amount of computer power, it is much better to buy one
15330 biggie than a bunch of smallies. Accepted as an article of faith
15331 by people who love big machines and all that complexity. Rejected
15332 as an article of faith by those who love small machines and all
15336 Someone who's good with figures, but doesn't have enough
15337 personality to become an accountant.
15339 Economists can certainly disappoint you. One said that the economy would
15340 turn up by the last quarter. Well, I'm down to mine and it hasn't.
15343 Economists state their GNP growth projections to the nearest tenth of a
15344 percentage point to prove they have a sense of humor.
15345 -- Edgar R. Fiedler
15347 Editing is a rewording activity.
15349 Education and religion are two things not regulated by supply and
15350 demand. The less of either the people have, the less they want.
15351 -- Charlotte Observer, 1897
15353 Education is an admirable thing, but it is well to remember from time to
15354 time that nothing that is worth knowing can be taught.
15355 -- Oscar Wilde, "The Critic as Artist"
15357 Education is learning what you didn't even know you didn't know.
15358 -- Daniel J. Boorstin
15360 Education is the process of casting false pearls before real swine.
15363 Education is what survives when what has been learnt has been forgotten.
15366 Educational television should be absolutely forbidden. It can only lead
15367 to unreasonable disappointment when your child discovers that the letters
15368 of the alphabet do not leap up out of books and dance around with
15369 royal-blue chickens.
15370 -- Fran Lebowitz, "Social Studies"
15372 Eeny, Meeny, Jelly Beanie,
15373 The spirits are about to speak...
15375 Eggheads unite! You have nothing to lose but your yolks.
15378 Ego sum ens omnipotens
15380 Egotism is the anesthetic given by a kindly nature
15381 to relieve the pain of being a damned fool.
15384 Egotism is the anesthetic which numbs the pain of stupidity.
15387 Doing the New York Times crossword puzzle with a pen.
15390 A person of low taste, more interested in himself than me.
15393 egrep -n '^[a-z].*\(' $ | sort -t':' +2.0
15395 Ehrman's Commentary:
15396 1. Things will get worse before they get better.
15397 2. Who said things would get better?
15399 Eighty percent of air pollution comes from plants and trees.
15400 -- Ronald Reagan, famous movie star
15402 ...eighty years later he could still recall with the young pang of his
15403 original joy his falling in love with Ada.
15406 Einstein argued that there must be simplified explanations of nature, because
15407 God is not capricious or arbitrary. No such faith comforts the software
15411 Eisenhower was very nice,
15412 Nixon was his only vice.
15415 Either I'm dead or my watch has stopped.
15416 -- Groucho Marx' last words
15419 The actions of two people maneuvering for one
15420 armrest in a movie theatre.
15421 -- "Sniglets", Rich Hall & Friends
15424 Sits at the keyboard and waits for a line on the screen
15426 Waits for a signal, finding some code that will
15427 make the machine do some more.
15430 All the lonely users, where do they all come from?
15431 All the lonely users, why does it take so long?
15434 Writing the code for a program that no one will run
15436 Look at him working, fixing the bugs in the night when there's
15440 All the lonely users, where do they all come from?
15441 All the lonely users, why does it take so long?
15442 Ah, look at all the lonely users.
15443 Ah, look at all the lonely users.
15447 2 boxes JELL-O brand gelatin 2 packages Knox brand unflavored gelatin
15448 2 cups fruit (any variety) 2+ cups water
15449 1/2 bottle Everclear brand grain alcohol
15451 Mix JELL-O and Knox gelatin into 2 cups of boiling water. Stir 'til
15453 Pour hot mixture into a flat pan. (JELL-O molds won't work.)
15454 Stir in grain alcohol instead of usual cold water. Remove any congealing
15455 glops of slime. (Alcohol has an unusual effect on excess JELL-O.)
15456 Pour in fruit to desired taste, and to absorb any excess alcohol.
15457 Mix in some cold water to dilute the alcohol and make it easier to eat for
15458 the faint of heart.
15459 Refrigerate overnight to allow mixture to fully harden. (About 8-12 hours.)
15460 Cut into squares and enjoy!
15463 Keep ingredients away from open flame. Not recommended for
15464 children under eight years of age.
15466 Electrical Engineers do it with less resistance.
15469 Burning at the stake with all the modern improvements.
15471 Elegance and truth are inversely related.
15475 A mouse built to government specifications.
15477 Elevators smell different to midgets.
15479 Eleventh Law of Acoustics:
15480 In a minimum-phase system there is an inextricable link between
15481 frequency response, phase response and transient response, as they
15482 are all merely transforms of one another. This combined with
15483 minimalization of open-loop errors in output amplifiers and correct
15484 compensation for non-linear passive crossover network loading can
15485 lead to a significant decrease in system resolution lost. However,
15486 of course, this all means jack when you listen to Pink Floyd.
15488 Eli and Bessie went to sleep.
15489 In the middle of the night, Bessie nudged Eli.
15490 "Please be so kindly and close the window. It's cold outside!"
15491 Half asleep, Eli murmured,
15492 "Nu ... so if I'll close the window, will it be warm outside?"
15494 Elliptic paraboloids for sale.
15497 The feel of a kiss.
15499 Eloquence is logic on fire.
15501 Elwood: What kind of music do you get here ma'am?
15502 Barmaid: Why, we get both kinds of music, Country and Western.
15505 A slow-moving parody of a text editor.
15507 Emersons' Law of Contrariness:
15508 Our chief want in life is somebody who shall make us do
15509 what we can. Having found them, we shall then hate them
15512 Encyclopedia for sale by father.
15513 Son knows everything.
15515 Encyclopedia Salesmen:
15516 Invite them all in. Nip out the back door. Phone the police
15517 and tell them your house is being burgled.
15518 -- Mike Harding, "The Armchair Anarchist's Almanac"
15520 Endless Loop: n. see Loop, Endless.
15521 Loop, Endless: n. see Endless Loop.
15522 -- Random Shack Data Processing Dictionary
15524 Endless the world's turn, endless the sun's spinning
15526 I turn again, back to my own beginning,
15527 And here, find rest.
15529 Enemy -- SP (Suppressive Person) Order. Fair Game. May be deprived of
15530 property or injured by any means by any Scientologist without any discipline
15531 of the Scientologist. May be tricked, sued or lied to or destroyed.
15532 -- L. Ron Hubbard, "Fair Game Doctrine"
15534 Engineering: "How will this work?"
15535 Science: "Why will this work?"
15536 Management: "When will this work?"
15537 Liberal Arts: "Do you want fries with that?"
15539 English literature's performing flea.
15540 -- Sean O'Casey on P.G. Wodehouse
15543 1. The physical manifestation of human memory -- "the engram."
15544 2. A particular memory in physical form. [Usage note: this term is no longer
15545 in common use. Prior to Wilson and Magruder's historic discovery, the nature
15546 of the engram was a topic of intense speculation among neuroscientists,
15547 psychologists, and even computer scientists. In 1994 Professors M. R. Wilson
15548 and W. V. Magruder, both of Mount St. Coax University in Palo Alto, proved
15549 conclusively that the mammalian brain is hardwired to interpret a set of
15550 thirty seven genetically transmitted cooperating TECO macros. Human memory
15551 was shown to reside in 1 million Q-registers as Huffman coded uppercase-only
15552 ASCII strings. Interest in the engram has declined substantially since that
15554 -- New Century Unabridged English Dictionary,
15555 3rd edition, 2007 A.D.
15558 To tamper with an image, usually to its detriment.
15560 Enjoy your life; be pleasant and gay, like the birds in May.
15562 Enjoy yourself while you're still old.
15565 A high-rolling risk taker who would rather
15566 be a spectacular failure than a dismal success.
15568 Entropy isn't what it used to be.
15570 Entropy requires no maintenance.
15573 Envy is a pain of mind that successful men cause their neighbors.
15577 Wishing you'd been born with an unfair advantage,
15578 instead of having to try and acquire one.
15580 Enzymes are things invented by biologists
15581 that explain things which otherwise require harder thinking.
15584 Equal bytes for women.
15586 Ere the cock crows thrice one of you will betray me.
15587 -- Early Jewish Resistance Leader
15589 Ernest asks Frank how long he has been working for the company.
15590 "Ever since they threatened to fire me."
15592 Es brilig war. Die schlichte Toven
15593 Wirrten und wimmelten in Waben;
15594 Und aller-mumsige Burggoven
15595 Dir mohmen Rath ausgraben.
15597 Eschew obfuscation.
15599 Established technology tends to persist in the face of new technology.
15600 -- G. Blaauw, one of the designers of System 360
15602 E.T. GO HOME!!! (And take your Smurfs with you.)
15604 Eternal nothingness is fine if you happen to be dressed for it.
15607 Eternity is a terrible thought. I mean, where's it going to end?
15610 Etiquette is for those with no breeding;
15611 fashion for those with no taste.
15614 Some early etymological scholars came up with derivations that
15615 were hard for the public to believe. The term 'etymology' was
15616 formed from the Latin 'etus' ("eaten"), the root 'mal' ("bad"),
15617 and 'logy' ("study of"). It meant "the study of things that are
15621 Euch ist bekannt, was wir beduerfen;
15622 Wir wollen stark Getraenke schluerfen.
15625 Eudaemonic research proceeded with the casual mania peculiar to this part of
15626 the world. Nude sunbathing on the back deck was combined with phone calls to
15627 Advanced Kinetics in Costa Mesa, American Laser Systems in Goleta, Automation
15628 Industries in Danbury, Connecticut, Arenberg Ultrasonics in Jamaica Plain,
15629 Massachusetts, and Hewlett Packard in Sunnyvale, California, where Norman
15630 Packard's cousin, David, presided as chairman of the board. The trick was to
15631 make these calls at noon, in the hope that out-to-lunch executives would return
15632 them at their own expense. Eudaemonic Enterprises, for all they knew, might be
15633 a fast-growing computer company branching out of the Silicon Valley. Sniffing
15634 the possibility of high-volume sales, these executives little suspected that
15635 they were talking on the other end of the line to a naked physicist crazed
15637 -- Thomas Bass, "The Eudaemonic Pie"
15642 Even a blind pig stumbles upon a few acorns.
15644 Even a cabbage may look at a king.
15646 Even a hawk is an eagle among crows.
15648 Even a man who is pure at heart,
15649 And says his prayers at night
15650 Can become a wolf when the wolfbane blooms,
15651 And the moon is full and bright.
15652 -- The Wolf Man, 1941
15654 Even God cannot change the past.
15657 Even God lends a hand to honest boldness.
15660 Even if you do learn to speak correct
15661 English, whom are you going to speak it to?
15664 Even if you persuade me, you won't persuade me.
15667 Even if you're on the right track, you'll get run over if you just sit there.
15670 Even in the moment of our earliest kiss,
15671 When sighed the straitened bud into the flower,
15672 Sat the dry seed of most unwelcome this;
15673 And that I knew, though not the day and hour.
15674 Too season-wise am I, being country-bred,
15675 To tilt at autumn or defy the frost:
15676 Snuffing the chill even as my fathers did,
15677 I say with them, "What's out tonight is lost."
15678 I only hoped, with the mild hope of all
15679 Who watch the leaf take shape upon the tree,
15680 A fairer summer and a later fall
15681 Than in these parts a man is apt to see,
15682 And sunny clusters ripened for the wine:
15683 I tell you this across the blackened vine.
15684 -- Edna St. Vincent Millay, "Even in the Moment of
15685 Our Earliest Kiss", 1931
15687 Even moderation ought not to be practiced to excess.
15689 Even nowadays a man can't step up and kill a woman without feeling
15690 just a bit unchivalrous...
15693 Even the best of friends cannot attend each other's funeral.
15696 Even the best of friends cannot attend each other's funeral.
15697 -- Kehlog Albran, "The Profit"
15699 Even though they raised the rate for first class mail in the United
15700 States we really shouldn't complain -- it's still only 2 cents a day.
15702 Events are not affected, they develop.
15705 Ever feel like life was a game and you had the wrong instruction book?
15707 Ever feel like you're the head pin on life's
15708 bowling alley, and everyone's rolling strikes?
15710 Ever get the feeling that the world's
15711 on tape and one of the reels is missing?
15714 Ever notice that even the busiest people are
15715 never too busy to tell you just how busy they are?
15717 Ever notice that the word "therapist" breaks down into "the rapist"?
15718 Simple coincidence?
15721 Ever Onward! Ever Onward!
15722 That's the sprit that has brought us fame.
15723 We're big but bigger we will be,
15724 We can't fail for all can see, that to serve humanity
15726 Our products now are known in every zone.
15727 Our reputation sparkles like a gem.
15728 We've fought our way thru
15729 And new fields we're sure to conquer, too
15730 For the Ever Onward IBM!
15731 -- Ever Onward, from the 1940 IBM Songbook
15733 Ever Onward! Ever Onward!
15734 We're bound for the top to never fall,
15735 Right here and now we thankfully
15736 Pledge sincerest loyalty
15737 To the corporation that's the best of all
15738 Our leaders we revere and while we're here,
15739 Let's show the world just what we think of them!
15740 So let us sing men -- Sing men
15741 Once or twice, then sing again
15742 For the Ever Onward IBM!
15743 -- Ever Onward, from the 1940 IBM Songbook
15745 Ever since I was a young boy,
15746 I've hacked the ARPA net,
15747 From Berkeley down to Rutgers, He's on my favorite terminal,
15748 Any access I could get, He cats C right into foo,
15749 But ain't seen nothing like him, His disciples lead him in,
15750 On any campus yet, And he just breaks the root,
15751 That deaf, dumb, and blind kid, Always has full SYS-PRIV's,
15752 Sure sends a mean packet. Never uses lint,
15753 That deaf, dumb, and blind kid,
15754 Sure sends a mean packet.
15755 He's a UNIX wizard,
15756 There has to be a twist.
15757 The UNIX wizard's got Ain't got no distractions,
15758 Unlimited space on disk. Can't hear no whistles or bells,
15759 How do you think he does it? Can't see no message flashing,
15760 I don't know. Types by sense of smell,
15761 What makes him so good? Those crazy little programs,
15762 The proper bit flags set,
15763 That deaf, dumb, and blind kid,
15764 Sure sends a mean packet.
15767 Ever wonder if taxation without representation might have been cheaper?
15769 Ever wonder why fire engines are red?
15771 Because newspapers are read too.
15772 Two and Two is four.
15773 Four and four is eight.
15774 Eight and four is twelve.
15775 There are twelve inches in a ruler.
15776 Queen Mary was a ruler.
15777 Queen Mary was a ship.
15778 Ships sail the sea.
15779 There are fishes in the sea.
15781 The Fins fought the Russians.
15783 Fire engines are always rush'n.
15784 Therefore fire engines are red.
15786 Ever wondered about the origins of the term "bugs" as applied to computer
15787 technology? U.S. Navy Capt. Grace Murray Hopper has firsthand explanation.
15788 The 74-year-old captain, who is still on active duty, was a pioneer in
15789 computer technology during World War II. At the C.W. Post Center of Long
15790 Island University, Hopper told a group of Long Island public school adminis-
15791 trators that the first computer "bug" was a real bug--a moth. At Harvard
15792 one August night in 1945, Hopper and her associates were working on the
15793 "granddaddy" of modern computers, the Mark I. "Things were going badly;
15794 there was something wrong in one of the circuits of the long glass-enclosed
15795 computer," she said. "Finally, someone located the trouble spot and, using
15796 ordinary tweezers, removed the problem, a two-inch moth. From then on, when
15797 anything went wrong with a computer, we said it had bugs in it." Hopper
15798 said that when the veracity of her story was questioned recently, "I referred
15799 them to my 1945 log book, now in the collection of the Naval Surface Weapons
15800 Center, and they found the remains of that moth taped to the page in
15802 [actually, the term "bug" had even earlier usage in
15803 regard to problems with radio hardware. Ed.]
15805 Everlasting peace will come to the world when the last man has slain
15809 Every 4 seconds a woman has a baby.
15810 Our problem is to find this woman and stop her.
15812 Every cloud engenders not a storm.
15813 -- William Shakespeare, "Henry VI"
15815 Every cloud has a silver lining;
15816 you should have sold it, and bought titanium.
15818 Every country has the government it deserves.
15819 -- Joseph De Maistre
15821 Every creature has within him the wild, uncontrollable urge to punt.
15823 Every day it's the same thing -- variety. I want something different.
15825 Every day people are straying away from the church and going back to God.
15828 Every dog has its day, but the nights belong to the pussycats.
15830 Every gun that is made, every warship launched, every rocket fired
15831 signifies in the final sense, a theft from those who hunger and are not
15832 fed, those who are cold and are not clothed. This world in arms is not
15833 spending money alone. It is spending the sweat of its laborers, the
15834 genius of its scientists, the hopes of its children. This is not
15835 a way of life at all in any true sense. Under the clouds of war, it
15836 is humanity hanging on a cross of iron.
15837 -- Dwight Eisenhower, 1953
15839 Every little picofarad has a nanohenry all its own.
15842 Every love's the love before
15844 -- Dorothy Parker, "Summary"
15846 Every man is apt to form his notions of things difficult to be apprehended,
15847 or less familiar, from their analogy to things which are more familiar.
15848 Thus, if a man bred to the seafaring life, and accustomed to think and talk
15849 only of matters relating to navigation, enters into discourse upon any other
15850 subject; it is well known, that the language and the notions proper to his
15851 own profession are infused into every subject, and all things are measured
15852 by the rules of navigation: and if he should take it into his head to
15853 philosophize concerning the faculties of the mind, it cannot be doubted,
15854 but he would draw his notions from the fabric of the ship, and would find
15855 in the mind, sails, masts, rudder, and compass.
15856 -- Thomas Reid, "An Inquiry into the Human Mind", 1764
15858 Every man is as God made him, ay, and often worse.
15859 -- Miguel de Cervantes
15861 Every man takes the limits of his own field
15862 of vision for the limits of the world.
15865 Every man thinks God is on his side. The rich
15866 and powerful know that he is.
15867 -- Jean Anouilh, "The Lark"
15869 Every man who has reached even his intellectual teens begins to suspect
15870 that life is no farce; that it is not genteel comedy even; that it flowers
15871 and fructifies on the contrary out of the profoundest tragic depths of the
15872 essential death in which its subject's roots are plunged. The natural
15873 inheritance of everyone who is capable of spiritual life is an unsubdued
15874 forest where the wolf howls and the obscene bird of night chatters.
15875 -- Henry James Sr., writing to his sons Henry and William
15877 Every man who is high up likes to think that he has done
15878 it all himself, and the wife smiles and lets it go at that.
15881 Every morning in Africa, a gazelle wakes up. It knows it must run faster
15882 than the fastest lion or it will be killed. Every morning a lion wakes up.
15883 It knows it must outrun the slowest gazelle or it will starve to death.
15884 It doesn't matter whether you are a lion or a gazelle: when the sun comes
15885 up, you'd better be running.
15887 Every morning is a Smirnoff morning.
15889 Every night my prayers I say,
15890 And get my dinner every day;
15891 And every day that I've been good,
15892 I get an orange after food.
15893 The child that is not clean and neat,
15894 With lots of toys and things to eat,
15895 He is a naughty child, I'm sure--
15896 Or else his dear papa is poor.
15897 -- Robert Louis Stevenson
15899 Every one says that politicians lie all the time, and that just isn't so!
15900 But you do have to understand body language to know when they're lying and
15903 When a politician rubs his nose, he isn't lying.
15904 When a politician tugs on his ear, he isn't lying.
15905 When a politician scratches his colar bone, he isn't lying.
15906 When his mouth starts moving, that's when he's lying!
15908 Every paper published in a respectable journal should have a preface by
15909 the author stating why he is publishing the article, and what value he
15910 sees in it. I have no hope that this practice will ever be adopted.
15913 Every path has its puddle.
15915 Every person, all the events in your life are there because you have
15916 drawn them there. What you choose to do with them is up to you.
15917 -- Messiah's Handbook : Reminders for the Advanced Soul
15919 Every program has at least one bug and can be shortened by at least one
15920 instruction -- from which, by induction, one can deduce that every program
15921 can be reduced to one instruction which doesn't work.
15923 Every program has (at least) two purposes:
15924 the one for which it was written and another for which it wasn't.
15926 Every silver lining has a cloud around it.
15928 Every Solidarity center had piles and piles of paper ... everyone was
15929 eating paper and a policeman was at the door. Now all you have to do is
15931 -- A member of the outlawed Polish trade union, Solidarity,
15932 commenting on the benefits of using computers in support
15935 Every successful person has had failures
15936 but repeated failure is no guarantee of eventual success.
15938 Every suicide is a solution to a problem.
15941 Every time I look at you I am more convinced of Darwin's theory.
15943 Every time I lose weight, it finds me again!
15945 Every time I think I know where it's at, they move it.
15947 Every time you manage to close the door on
15948 Reality, it comes in through the window.
15950 Every why hath a wherefore.
15951 -- William Shakespeare, "A Comedy of Errors"
15953 Every word is like an unnecessary stain on silence and nothingness.
15956 Every young man should have a hobby: learning how to handle money is
15960 Everybody but Sam had signed up for a new company pension plan that
15961 called for a small employee contribution. The company was paying all
15962 the rest. Unfortunately, 100% employee participation was needed;
15963 otherwise the plan was off. Sam's boss and his fellow workers pleaded
15964 and cajoled, but to no avail. Sam said the plan would never pay off.
15965 Finally the company president called Sam into his office.
15966 "Sam," he said, "here's a copy of the new pension plan and here's
15967 a pen. I want you to sign the papers. I'm sorry, but if you don't sign,
15968 you're fired. As of right now."
15969 Sam signed the papers immediately.
15970 "Now," said the president, "would you mind telling me why you
15971 couldn't have signed earlier?"
15972 "Well, sir," replied Sam, "nobody explained it to me quite so
15975 Everybody has something to conceal.
15978 Everybody is given the same amount of hormones, at birth, and
15979 if you want to use yours for growing hair, that's fine with me.
15981 Everybody is somebody else's weirdo.
15982 -- Edsger W. Dijkstra
15984 Everybody knows that the dice are loaded. Everybody rolls with their
15985 fingers crossed. Everybody knows the war is over. Everybody knows the
15986 good guys lost. Everybody knows the fight was fixed: the poor stay
15987 poor, the rich get rich. That's how it goes. Everybody knows.
15989 Everybody knows that the boat is leaking. Everybody knows the captain
15990 lied. Everybody got this broken feeling like their father or their dog
15993 Everybody talking to their pockets. Everybody wants a box of chocolates
15994 and long stem rose. Everybody knows.
15996 Everybody knows that you love me, baby. Everybody knows that you really
15997 do. Everybody knows that you've been faithful, give or take a night or
15998 two. Everybody knows you've been discreet, but there were so many people
15999 you just had to meet without your clothes. And everybody knows.
16001 And everybody knows it's now or never. Everybody knows that it's me or you.
16002 And everybody knows that you live forever when you've done a line or two.
16003 Everybody knows the deal is rotten: Old Black Joe's still pickin' cotton
16004 for you ribbons and bows. And everybody knows.
16005 -- Leonard Cohen, "Everybody Knows"
16007 Everybody likes a kidder, but nobody lends him money.
16010 Everybody needs a little love sometime;
16011 stop hacking and fall in love!
16013 Everybody wants to go to heaven, but nobody wants to die.
16015 Everyone can be taught to sculpt: Michelangelo would have had
16016 to be taught how not to. So it is with the great programmers.
16018 Everyone complains of his memory, no one of his judgement.
16020 Everyone hates me because I'm paranoid.
16022 Everyone is entitled to my opinion.
16024 Everyone is in the best seat.
16027 Everyone is more or less mad on one point.
16030 Everyone knows that dragons don't exist. But while this simplistic
16031 formulation may satisfy the layman, it does not suffice for the
16032 scientific mind. The School of Higher Neantical Nillity is in fact
16033 wholly unconcerned with what DOES exist. Indeed, the banality of
16034 existence has been so amply demonstrated, there is no need for us
16035 to discuss it any further here. The brilliant Cerebron, attacking
16036 the problem analytically, discovered three distinct kinds of dragon:
16037 the mythical, the chimerical, and the purely hypothetical. They were
16038 all, one might say, nonexistent, but each nonexisted in an entirely
16041 Everyone wants results, but no one is willing to do what it takes
16045 Everyone was born right-handed.
16046 Only the greatest overcome it.
16048 Everyone who comes in here wants three things:
16049 1. They want it quick.
16050 2. They want it good.
16051 3. They want it cheap.
16052 I tell 'em to pick two and call me back.
16053 -- sign on the back wall of a small printing company
16055 Everyone's in a high place when you're on your knees.
16057 Everything bows to success, even grammar.
16059 Everything can be filed under "miscellaneous".
16061 Everything ends badly. Otherwise it wouldn't end.
16063 Everything I like is either illegal, immoral or fattening.
16064 -- Alexander Woollcott
16066 Everything in this book may be wrong.
16067 -- Messiah's Handbook : Reminders for the Advanced Soul
16069 Everything is controlled by a small evil group
16070 to which, unfortunately, no one we know belongs.
16072 Everything is possible. Pass the word.
16073 -- Rita Mae Brown, "Six of One"
16075 Everything might be different in the present
16076 if only one thing had been different in the past.
16078 Everything should be built top-down, except the first time.
16080 Everything should be built top-down, except this time.
16082 Everything should be made as simple as possible, but not simpler.
16085 Everything takes longer, costs more, and is less useful.
16088 Everything that can be invented has been invented.
16089 -- Charles Duell, Director of U.S. Patent Office, 1899
16091 Everything that you know is wrong, but you can be straightened out.
16093 Everything will be just tickety-boo today.
16095 Everything you know is wrong!
16097 Everything you read in newspapers is absolutely true, except for that
16098 rare story of which you happen to have first-hand knowledge.
16101 Everything you've learned in school as "obvious" becomes less and less
16102 obvious as you begin to study the universe. For example, there are no
16103 solids in the universe. There's not even a suggestion of a solid.
16104 There are no absolute continuums. There are no surfaces. There are no
16106 -- R. Buckminster Fuller
16108 Everything's great in this good old world;
16109 (This is the stuff they can always use.)
16110 God's in his heaven, the hill's dew-pearled;
16111 (This will provide for baby's shoes.)
16112 Hunger and War do not mean a thing;
16113 Everything's rosy where'er we roam;
16114 Hark, how the little birds gaily sing!
16115 (This is what fetches the bacon home.)
16116 -- Dorothy Parker, "The Far Sighted Muse"
16118 Everywhere I go I'm asked if I think the university stifles writers. My
16119 opinion is that they don't stifle enough of them. There's many a bestseller
16120 that could have been prevented by a good teacher.
16121 -- Flannery O'Connor
16123 Everywhere you go you'll see them searching,
16124 Everywhere you turn you'll feel the pain,
16125 Everyone is looking for the answer,
16127 -- Moody Blues, "Lost in a Lost World"
16129 Evil is that which one believes of others. It is a sin to believe evil
16130 of others, but it is seldom a mistake.
16133 Evolution is a million line computer
16134 program falling into place by accident.
16136 Evolution is as much a fact as the earth turning on its axis and going around
16137 the sun. At one time this was called the Copernican theory; but, when
16138 evidence for a theory becomes so overwhelming that no informed person can
16139 doubt it, it is customary for scientists to call it a fact. That all present
16140 life descended from earlier forms, over vast stretches of geologic time, is
16141 as firmly established as Copernican cosmology. Biologists differ only with
16142 respect to theories about how the process operates.
16143 -- Martin Gardner, "Irving Kristol and the Facts of Life".
16145 Examinations are formidable even to the best prepared, for even
16146 the greatest fool may ask more than the wisest man can answer.
16149 Example is not the main thing in influencing others.
16150 It is the only thing.
16151 -- Albert Schweitzer
16153 Excellent day for drinking heavily.
16154 Spike the office water cooler.
16156 Excellent day to have a rotten day.
16158 Excellent time to become a missing person.
16160 Exceptions prove the rule, and wreck the budget.
16163 Excerpt from a conversation between a customer support person and a
16164 customer working for a well-known military-affiliated research lab:
16166 Support: "You're not our only customer, you know."
16167 Customer: "But we're one of the few with tactical nuclear weapons."
16169 Excess on occasion is exhilarating. It prevents moderation from
16170 acquiring the deadening effect of a habit.
16171 -- W. Somerset Maugham
16173 Excessive login messages is a sure sign of senility.
16175 Execute every act of thy life as though it were thy last.
16178 Executive ability is prominent in your make-up.
16180 Exercise caution in your daily affairs.
16182 Exhilaration is that feeling you get just after a great idea hits you,
16183 and just before you realize what is wrong with it.
16185 Expansion means complexity; and complexity decay.
16187 Expect a letter from a friend who will ask a favor of you.
16189 Expect the worst, it's the least you can do.
16191 Expedience is the best teacher.
16193 Expense accounts, n:
16194 Corporate food stamps.
16196 Experience is a good teacher, but she sends in terrific bills.
16197 -- Minna Antrim, "Naked Truth and Veiled Allusions"
16199 Experience is not what happens to you;
16200 it is what you do with what happens to you.
16203 Experience is that marvelous thing that enables
16204 you recognize a mistake when you make it again.
16207 Experience is the worst teacher. It always
16208 gives the test first and the instruction afterward.
16210 Experience is what causes a person
16211 to make new mistakes instead of old ones.
16213 Experience is what you get when you didn't get what you wanted.
16215 Experience is what you get when you were expecting something else.
16218 Something you don't get until just after you need it.
16221 Experience teaches you that the man who looks you straight in the eye,
16222 particularly if he adds a firm handshake, is hiding something.
16223 -- Clifton Fadiman, "Enter Conversing"
16225 Experience varies directly with equipment ruined.
16227 Experiments must be reproducible; they should all fail in the same way.
16231 Extraordinary claims demand extraordinary proof. There are many examples
16232 of outsiders who eventually overthrew entrenched scientific orthodoxies,
16233 but they prevailed with irrefutable data. More often, egregious findings
16234 that contradict well-established research turn out to be artifacts. I have
16235 argued that accepting psychic powers, reincarnation, "cosmic consciousness,"
16236 and the like, would entail fundamental revisions of the foundations of
16237 neuroscience. Before abandoning materialist theories of mind that have paid
16238 handsome dividends, we should insist on better evidence for psi phenomena
16239 than presently exists, especially when neurology and psychology themselves
16240 offer more plausible alternatives.
16241 -- Barry L. Beyerstein, "The Brain and Consciousness:
16242 Implications for Psi Phenomena".
16244 Extreme fear can neither fight nor fly.
16245 -- William Shakespeare, "The Rape of Lucrece"
16247 Extremism in the defense of liberty is no vice... moderation in the pursuit
16248 of justice is no virtue.
16251 f u cn rd ths, itn tyg h myxbl cd.
16253 f u cn rd ths, u cn gt a gd jb n cmptr prgrmmng.
16255 F u cn rd ths u cnt spl wrth a dm!
16257 f u cn rd ths, u r prbbly a lsy spllr.
16259 FACILITY REJECTED 100044200000;
16261 Factorials were someone's attempt to make math LOOK exciting.
16263 Facts, apart from their relationships, are like labels on empty bottles.
16266 Facts are the enemy of truth.
16269 Facts do not cease to exist because they are ignored.
16272 Failed Attempts To Break Records
16273 In September 1978 Mr. Terry Gripton, of Stafford, failed to break
16274 the world shouting record by two and a half decibels. "I am not surprised
16275 he failed," his wife said afterwards. "He's really a very quiet man and
16276 doesn't even shout at me."
16277 In August of the same year Mr. Paul Anthony failed to break the
16278 record for continuous organ playing by 387 hours.
16279 His attempt at the Golden Fish Fry Restaurant in Manchester ended
16280 after 36 hours 10 minutes, when he was accused of disturbing the peace.
16281 "People complained I was too noisy," he said.
16282 In January 1976 Mr. Barry McQueen failed to walk backwards across
16283 the Menai Bridge playing the bagpipes. "It was raining heavily and my
16284 drone got waterlogged," he said.
16285 A TV cameraman thwarted Mr. Bob Specas' attempt to topple 100,000
16286 dominoes at the Manhattan Center, New York on 9 June 1978. 97,500 dominoes
16287 had been set up when he dropped his press badge and set them off.
16288 -- Stephen Pile, "The Book of Heroic Failures"
16290 Failure is more frequently from want of energy than want of capital.
16292 Fain would I climb, yet fear I to fall.
16293 -- Sir Walter Raleigh
16296 A horror story to prepare children for the newspapers.
16298 Faith goes out through the window when beauty comes in at the door.
16300 Faith is the quality that enables you to eat blackberry jam
16301 on a picnic without looking to see whether the seeds move.
16303 Faith is under the left nipple.
16307 That quality which enables us to
16308 believe what we know to be untrue.
16311 A psychologist whose charismatic data have inspired almost
16312 religious devotion in his followers, even though the sources
16313 seem to have shinnied up a rope and vanished.
16316 When two people have been on enough dates, they generally fall in
16317 love. You can tell you're in love by the way you feel: your head becomes
16318 light, your heart leaps within you, you feel like you're walking on air,
16319 and the whole world seems like a wonderful and happy place. Unfortunately,
16320 these are also the four warning signs of colon disease, so it's always a
16321 good idea to check with your doctor.
16324 Falling in love is a lot like dying.
16325 You never get to do it enough to become good at it.
16327 Falling in love makes smoking pot all day look like the ultimate in
16329 -- Dave Sim, author of "Cerebus".
16331 Fame is a vapor; popularity an accident;
16332 the only earthly certainty is oblivion.
16335 Fame lost its appeal for me when I went into a public restroom and an
16336 autograph seeker handed me a pen and paper under the stall door.
16339 Fame may be fleeting but obscurity is forever.
16341 Familiarity breeds attempt.
16343 Familiarity breeds contempt -- and children.
16346 Families, when a child is born
16347 Want it to be intelligent.
16348 I, through intelligence,
16349 Having wrecked my whole life,
16350 Only hope the baby will prove
16351 Ignorant and stupid.
16352 Then he will crown a tranquil life
16353 By becoming a Cabinet Minister
16359 1: Don't unplug it, it will just take a moment to fix.
16360 2: Let's take the shortcut, he can't see us from there.
16361 3: What happens if you touch these two wires tog...
16362 4: We won't need reservations.
16363 5: It's always sunny there this time of the year.
16364 6: Don't worry, it's not loaded.
16365 7: They'd never (be stupid enough to) make him a manager.
16366 8: Don't worry! Women love it!
16368 Fanaticism consists of redoubling your effort when you have
16369 forgotten your aim.
16370 -- George Santayana
16372 "Fantasies are free."
16373 "NO!! NO!! It's the thought police!!!!"
16375 Far back in the mists of ancient time, in the great and glorious days of the
16376 former Galactic Empire, life was wild, rich and largely tax free.
16378 Mighty starships plied their way between exotic suns, seeking adventure and
16379 reward among the furthest reaches of Galactic space. In those days, spirits
16380 were brave, the stakes were high, men were real men, women were real women
16381 and small furry creatures from Alpha Centauri were real small furry creatures
16382 from Alpha Centauri. And all dared to brave unknown terrors, to do mighty
16383 deeds, to boldly split infinitives that no man had split before -- and thus
16384 was the Empire forged.
16385 -- Douglas Adams, "The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy"
16387 Far duller than a serpent's tooth it is to spend a quiet youth.
16389 Far out in the uncharted backwaters of the unfashionable end of the Western
16390 Spiral arm of the Galaxy lies a small unregarded yellow sun. Orbiting this
16391 at a distance of roughly ninety-eight million miles is an utterly
16392 insignificant little blue-green planet whose ape-descended life forms are
16393 so amazingly primitive that they still think digital watches are a pretty
16395 -- Douglas Adams, "The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy"
16397 Farmers in the Iowa State survey rated machinery breakdowns more
16398 stressful than divorce.
16399 -- Wall Street Journal
16401 Fashion is a form of ugliness so intolerable that we have to alter
16402 it every six months.
16405 Fashions have done more harm than revolutions.
16408 Fast, cheap, good: pick two.
16410 Fast ship? You mean you've never heard of the Millennium Falcon?
16413 Faster, faster, you fool, you fool!
16416 Fat Liberation: because a waist is a terrible thing to mind.
16418 Fat people of the world unite, we've got nothing to lose!
16420 Father: Son, it's time we talked about sex.
16421 Son: Sure, Dad, what do you want to know?
16423 Fats Loves Madelyn.
16425 Fay: The British police force used to be run by men of integrity.
16426 Truscott: That is a mistake which has been rectified.
16427 -- Joe Orton, "Loot"
16430 What you feel when you see a U-Haul with Texas license plates.
16432 Fear and loathing, my man, fear and loathing.
16435 Fear is the greatest salesman.
16439 A surprising property of a program. Occasionally documented. To
16440 call a property a feature sometimes means the author did not
16441 consider that case, and the program makes an unexpected, though
16442 not necessarily wrong response. See BUG. "That's not a bug, it's
16443 a feature!" A bug can be changed to a feature by documenting it.
16445 Federal grants are offered for... research into the recreation
16446 potential of interplanetary space travel for the culturally
16449 Feel disillusioned?
16450 I've got some great new illusions, right here!
16452 Feeling amorous, she looked under the sheets and cried, "Oh, no,
16455 Felix Catus is your taxonomic nomenclature,
16456 An endothermic quadruped, carnivorous by nature.
16457 Your visual, olfactory, and auditory senses
16458 Contribute to your hunting skills and natural defenses.
16459 I find myself intrigued by your sub-vocal oscillations,
16460 A singular development of cat communications
16461 That obviates your basic hedonistic predilection
16462 For a rhythmic stroking of your fur to demonstrate affection.
16463 A tail is quite essential for your acrobatic talents:
16464 You would not be so agile if you lacked its counterbalance;
16465 And when not being utilised to aid in locomotion,
16466 It often serves to illustrate the state of your emotion.
16467 Oh Spot, the complex levels of behavior you display
16468 Connote a fairly well-developed cognitive array.
16469 And though you are not sentient, Spot, and do not comprehend,
16470 I nonetheless consider you a true and valued friend.
16471 -- Lt. Cmdr. Data, "An Ode to Spot"
16473 Fellow programmer, greetings! You are reading a letter which will bring
16474 you luck and good fortune. Just mail (or UUCP) ten copies of this letter
16475 to ten of your friends. Before you make the copies, send a chip or
16476 other bit of hardware, and 100 lines of 'C' code to the first person on the
16477 list given at the bottom of this letter. Then delete their name and add
16478 yours to the bottom of the list.
16480 Don't break the chain! Make the copy within 48 hours. Gerald R. of San
16481 Diego failed to send out his ten copies and woke the next morning to find
16482 his job description changed to "COBOL programmer." Fred A. of New York sent
16483 out his ten copies and within a month had enough hardware and software to
16484 build a Cray dedicated to playing Zork. Martha H. of Chicago laughed at
16485 this letter and broke the chain. Shortly thereafter, a fire broke out in
16486 her terminal and she now spends her days writing documentation for IBM PC's.
16488 Don't break the chain! Send out your ten copies today!
16491 The gift that just "keeps on giving."
16494 The large glacial deposits that form on the insides
16495 of car fenders during snowstorms.
16496 -- "Sniglets", Rich Hall & Friends
16498 Ferguson's Precept:
16499 A crisis is when you can't say "let's forget the whole thing."
16501 Fertility is hereditary. If your parents
16502 didn't have any children, neither will you.
16504 Fess: Well, you must admit there is something innately humorous about
16505 a man chasing an invention of his own halfway across the galaxy.
16506 Rod: Oh yeah, it's a million yuks, sure. But after all, isn't that the
16507 basic difference between robots and humans?
16508 Fess: What, the ability to form imaginary constructs?
16509 Rod: No, the ability to get hung up on them.
16510 -- Christopher Stasheff, "The Warlock in Spite of Himself"
16512 Few things are harder to put up with than the annoyance of a good example.
16516 A virtue peculiar to those who are about to be betrayed.
16518 Fifteen men on a dead man's chest,
16519 Yo-ho-ho and a bottle of rum!
16520 Drink and the devil had done for the rest,
16521 Yo-ho-ho and a bottle of rum!
16522 -- Stevenson, "Treasure Island"
16524 Fifth Law of Applied Terror:
16525 If you are given an open-book exam, you will forget your book.
16527 If you are given a take-home exam, you will forget where you live.
16530 A four drawer, manually activated trash compactor.
16533 Throwing your wait around.
16535 Fill what's empty, empty what's full, scratch where it itches.
16536 -- Alice Roosevelt Longworth
16539 Science is true. Don't be misled by facts.
16541 Finagle's Eighth Law:
16542 If an experiment works, something has gone wrong.
16544 Finagle's Ninth Law:
16545 No matter what results are expected,
16546 someone is always willing to fake it.
16548 Finagle's Tenth Law:
16549 No matter what the result someone
16550 is always eager to misinterpret it.
16552 Finagle's Eleventh Law:
16553 No matter what occurs, someone believes
16554 it happened according to his pet theory.
16556 Finagle's First Law:
16557 To study a subject best, understand it thoroughly before you start.
16559 Finagle's Second Law:
16560 Always keep a record of data -- it indicates you've been working.
16562 Finagle's Fourth Law:
16563 Once a job is fouled up,
16564 anything done to improve it only makes it worse.
16566 Finagle's Fifth Law:
16567 Always draw your curves, then plot your readings.
16569 Finagle's Sixth Law:
16570 Don't believe in miracles -- rely on them.
16572 Finagle's Seventh Law:
16573 The perversity of the universe tends toward a maximum.
16575 Finagle's Third Law:
16576 In any collection of data, the figure most obviously correct,
16577 beyond all need of checking, is the mistake.
16580 1. Nobody whom you ask for help will see it.
16581 2. The first person who stops by, whose advice you really
16582 don't want to hear, will see it immediately.
16585 Perfection is finality.
16586 Nothing is perfect.
16587 There are lumps in it.
16589 Fine day for friends.
16592 Fine day to throw a party. Throw him as far as you can.
16594 Fine day to work off excess energy. Steal something heavy.
16597 A closed mouth gathers no feet.
16599 First Law of Bicycling:
16600 No matter which way you ride, it's uphill and against the wind.
16602 First law of debate:
16603 Never argue with a fool. People might not know the difference.
16605 First Law of Procrastination:
16606 Procrastination shortens the job and places the responsibility
16607 for its termination on someone else (i.e., the authority who
16608 imposed the deadline).
16610 Fifth Law of Procrastination:
16611 Procrastination avoids boredom; one never has the feeling that
16612 there is nothing important to do.
16614 First Law of Socio-Genetics:
16615 Celibacy is not hereditary.
16617 First love is only a little foolishness and a lot of curiosity, no really
16618 self-respecting woman would take advantage of it.
16619 -- George Bernard Shaw, "John Bull's Other Island"
16621 First Rule of History:
16622 History doesn't repeat itself --
16623 historians merely repeat each other.
16625 First rule of public speaking.
16626 First, tell 'em what you're goin' to tell 'em;
16628 then tell 'em what you've tole 'em.
16630 First there was Dial-A-Prayer, then Dial-A-Recipe, and even Dial-A-Footballer.
16631 But the south-east Victorian town of Sale has produced one to top them all.
16633 It all began early yesterday when Sale police received a telephone
16634 call: "You won't believe this, and I'm not drunk, but there's a wombat in the
16635 phone booth outside the town hall," the caller said.
16636 Not firmly convinced about the caller's claim to sobriety, members of
16637 the constabulary drove to the scene, expecting to pick up a drunk.
16638 But there it was, an annoyed wombat, trapped in a telephone booth.
16639 The wombat, determined not to be had the better of again, threw its
16640 bulk into the fray. It was eventually lassoed and released in a nearby scrub.
16641 Then the officers received another message ... another wombat in
16642 another phone booth.
16643 There it was: *Another* angry wombat trapped in a telephone booth.
16644 The constables took the miffed marsupial into temporary custody and
16645 released it, too, in the scrub.
16646 But on their way back to the station they happened to pass another
16647 telephone booth, and -- you guessed it -- another imprisoned wombat.
16648 After some serious detective work, the lads in blue found a suspect,
16649 and after questioning, released him to be charged on summons.
16650 Their problem ... they cannot find a law against placing wombats in
16652 -- "Newcastle Morning Herald", WSW Australia, Aug 1980.
16654 "First World" nations are the ones where people drive Japanese cars;
16655 "Second World" nations are where First World residents go on vacation;
16656 and "Third World" nations are the ones where people still dive out of
16657 trees to prove their manhood.
16661 A glass-enclosed isolation cell where newly
16662 promoted managers are kept for observation.
16664 Fishing, with me, has always been an excuse to drink in the daytime.
16667 Five bicycles make a volkswagen, seven make a truck.
16670 Five is a sufficiently close approximation to infinity.
16673 Five names that I can hardly stand to hear,
16674 Including yours and mine and one more chimp who isn't here,
16675 I can see the ladies talking how the times is gettin' hard,
16676 And that fearsome excavation on Magnolia boulevard,
16677 Yes, I'm goin' insane,
16678 And I'm laughing at the frozen rain,
16679 Well, I'm so alone, honey when they gonna send me home?
16680 Bad sneakers and a pina colada my friend,
16681 Stopping on the avenue by Radio City, with a
16682 Transistor and a large sum of money to spend...
16683 You fellah, you tearin' up the street,
16684 You wear that white tuxedo, how you gonna beat the heat,
16685 Do you take me for a fool, do you think that I don't see,
16686 That ditch out in the Valley that they're diggin' just for me,
16687 Yes, and goin' insane,
16688 You know I'm laughin' at the frozen rain,
16689 Feel like I'm so alone, honey when they gonna send me home?
16691 -- Bad Sneakers, "Steely Dan"
16693 Five people -- an Englishman, Russian, American, Frenchman and Irishman
16694 were each asked to write a book on elephants. Some amount of time later they
16695 had all completed their respective books. The Englishman's book was entitled
16696 "The Elephant -- How to Collect Them", the Russian's "The Elephant -- Vol. I",
16697 the American's "The Elephant -- How to Make Money from Them", the Frenchman's
16698 "The Elephant -- Its Mating Habits" and the Irishman's "The Elephant and
16699 Irish Political History".
16701 Five rules for eternal misery:
16702 1) Always try to exhort others to look upon you favorably.
16703 2) Make lots of assumptions about situations and be sure to
16704 treat these assumptions as though they are reality.
16705 3) Then treat each new situation as though it's a crisis.
16706 4) Live in the past and future only (become obsessed with
16707 how much better things might have been or how much worse
16708 things might become).
16709 5) Occasionally stomp on yourself for being so stupid as to
16710 follow the first four rules.
16716 The plastic yoke that holds a six-pack of beer together.
16717 -- "Sniglets", Rich Hall & Friends
16720 Intelligence of mankind decreasing.
16721 Details at ... uh, when the little hand is on the ....
16723 Flattery is like cologne -- to be smelled, but not swallowed.
16726 Flattery will get you everywhere.
16728 Flee at once, all is discovered.
16730 Flirting is the gentle art of making a man feel pleased with himself.
16734 There is not now, and never will be, a language in
16735 which it is the least bit difficult to write bad programs.
16738 [From flow "to ripple down in rich profusion, as hair" + chart
16739 "a cryptic hidden-treasure map designed to mislead the uninitiated."]
16740 1. n. The solution, if any, to a class of Mascheroni
16741 construction problems in which given algorithms require geometrical
16742 representation using only the 35 basic ideograms of the ANSI
16743 template. 2. n. Neronic doodling while the system burns.
16744 3. n. A low-cost substitute for wallpaper. 4. n. The innumerate
16745 misleading the illiterate. "A thousand pictures is worth ten lines
16746 of code." --The Programmer's Little Red Vade Mecum, Mao Tse T'umps.
16747 5. v.intrans. To produce flowcharts with no particular object in mind.
16748 6. v.trans. To obfuscate (a problem) with esoteric cartoons.
16749 -- S. Kelly-Bootle, "The Devil's DP Dictionary"
16752 When you need to knock on wood is when you realize
16753 that the world is composed of vinyl, naugahyde and aluminum.
16755 Fly me away to the bright side of the moon ...
16757 Flying is the second greatest feeling you can have. The greatest feeling?
16758 Landing... Landing is the greatest feeling you can have.
16761 Excessively (often obnoxiously) bright lamps mounted on the fronts
16762 of automobiles; used on dry, clear nights to indicate that the
16763 driver's brain is in a fog. See also "Idiot Lights".
16765 "Follow me around. I don't care. I'm serious. If anybody wants to put a
16766 tail on me, go ahead. They'd be very bored."
16767 -- Gary Hart, announcing his presidential candidacy,
16768 commenting on rumors of womanizing.
16770 Foolproof Operation:
16771 No provision for adjustment.
16773 Fools rush in -- and get the best seats in the house.
16775 Football builds self-discipline. What else would induce
16776 a spectator to sit out in the open in subfreezing weather?
16778 Football combines the two worst features of American life.
16779 It is violence punctuated by committee meetings.
16780 -- George F. Will, "Men At Work: The Craft of Baseball"
16782 Football is a game designed to keep coalminers off the streets.
16785 For a holy stint, a moth of the cloth gave up his woolens for lint.
16787 For a light heart lives long.
16788 -- Shakespeare, "Love's Labour's Lost"
16790 For adult education nothing beats children.
16792 For an idea to be fashionable is ominous,
16793 since it must afterwards be always old-fashioned.
16795 For certain people, after fifty, litigation takes the place of sex.
16798 For children with short attention spans: boomerangs that don't come back.
16800 For courage mounteth with occasion.
16801 -- William Shakespeare, "King John"
16803 For every action, there is an equal and opposite criticism.
16806 For every bloke who makes his mark,
16807 there's half a dozen waiting to rub it out.
16810 For every credibility gap, there is a gullibility fill.
16813 For every human problem, there is a neat,
16814 plain solution -- and it is always wrong.
16817 For example, if \thinmskip = 3mu, this makes \thickmskip = 6mu. But if
16818 you also want to use \skip12 for horizontal glue, whether in math mode or
16819 not, the amount of skipping will be in points (e.g., 6pt). The rule is
16820 that glue in math mode varies with the size only when it is an \mskip;
16821 when moving between an mskipand ordinary skip, the conversion factor
16822 1mu=1pt is always used. The meaning of '\mskip\skip12' and
16823 '\baselineskip=\the\thickmskip' should be clear.
16824 -- Donald Knuth, TeX 82 -- Comparison with TeX80
16826 For fast-acting relief, try slowing down.
16828 For flavor, instant sex will never supercede the stuff you have to peel
16832 For fools rush in where angels fear to tread.
16841 For God's sake, stop researching for a while and begin to think!
16843 For good, return good.
16844 For evil, return justice.
16846 For I do not do the good I want, but the evil I do not want is what I do.
16847 -- Paul of Tarsus, (Saint Paul)
16849 For I swore I would stay a year away from her; out and alas!
16850 but with break of day I went to make supplication.
16851 -- Paulus Silentarius, c. 540 A.D.
16853 For if there is a sin against life, it consists perhaps not so much in
16854 despairing of life as in hoping for another life and in eluding the
16855 implacable grandeur of this life.
16858 For knighthood is not in the feats of war,
16859 As for to fight in quarrel right or wrong,
16860 But in a cause which truth cannot defer:
16861 He ought himself for to make sure and strong,
16862 Just to keep mixt with mercy among:
16863 And no quarrel a knight ought to take
16864 But for a truth, or for the common's sake.
16867 For men use, if they have an evil turn, to write it in marble:
16868 and whoso doth us a good turn we write it in dust.
16871 For most men life is a search for the proper manila envelope in which to
16872 get themselves filed.
16875 For my birthday I got a humidifier and a de-humidifier... I put them in
16876 the same room and let them fight it out.
16879 For my birthday I got a humidifier and a de-humidifier. I
16880 put them in the same room and let them fight it out.
16883 For myself, I can only say that I am astonished and somewhat terrified at
16884 the results of this evening's experiments. Astonished at the wonderful
16885 power you have developed, and terrified at the thought that so much hideous
16886 and bad music may be put on record forever.
16887 -- Sir Arthur Sullivan, message to Edison, 1888
16889 For people who like that kind of book,
16890 that is the kind of book they will like.
16893 Parachute. Used once.
16894 Never opened. Slightly Stained.
16896 For some reason a glaze passes over people's faces when you say
16897 "Canada". Maybe we should invade South Dakota or something.
16898 -- Sandra Gotlieb, wife of the Canadian ambassador to the U.S.
16900 For some reason, this fortune reminds everyone of Marvin Zelkowitz.
16902 For that matter, compare your pocket computer with the
16903 massive jobs of a thousand years ago. Why not, then, the
16904 last step of doing away with computers altogether?"
16907 For the fashion of Minas Tirith was such that it was built on seven levels,
16908 each delved into a hill, and about each was set a wall, and in each wall
16910 -- J.R.R. Tolkien, "The Return of the King"
16912 [Quoted in "VMS Internals and Data Structures", V4.4, when
16913 referring to system overview.]
16916 For the first time we have a weapon that nobody has used for thirty years.
16917 This gives me great hope for the human race.
16920 For the next hour, WE will control all that you see and hear.
16922 For thee the wonder-working earth puts forth sweet flowers.
16923 -- Titus Lucretius Carus
16925 For there are moments when one can neither think nor feel. And if one can
16926 neither think nor feel, she thought, where is one?
16927 -- Virginia Woolf, "To the Lighthouse"
16929 [Quoted in "VMS Internals and Data Structures", V4.4, when
16930 referring to powerfail recovery.]
16932 For they starve the frightened little child
16933 Till it weeps both night and day:
16934 And they scourge the weak, and flog the fool,
16935 And gibe the old and grey,
16936 And some grow mad, and all grow bad,
16937 And none a word may say.
16939 Each narrow cell in which we dwell
16940 Is a foul and dark latrine,
16941 And the fetid breath of living Death
16942 Chokes up each grated screen,
16943 And all, but Lust, is turned to dust
16944 In Humanity's machine.
16946 And all men kill the thing they love,
16947 By all let this be heard,
16948 Some do it with a bitter look,
16949 Some with a flattering word,
16950 The coward does it with a kiss,
16951 The brave man with a sword.
16954 For thirty years a certain man went to spend every evening with Mme. ___.
16955 When his wife died his friends believed he would marry her, and urged
16956 him to do so. "No, no," he said: "if I did, where should I have to
16957 spend my evenings?"
16960 For those of you who have been unfortunate enough to never have tasted the
16961 'Great Chieftain O' the Pudden Race' (i.e. haggis) here is an easy to follow
16962 recipe which results in a dish remarkably similar to the above mentioned
16965 1 Sheep's Pluck (heart, lungs, liver) and bag
16966 2 teacupsful toasted oatmeal
16968 8 oz. shredded suet
16970 1/2 teaspoonful black pepper
16972 Scrape and clean bag in cold, then warm, water. Soak in salt water
16973 overnight. Wash pluck, then boil for 2 hours with windpipe draining over
16974 the side of pot. Retain 1 pint of stock. Cut off windpipe, remove surplus
16975 gristle, chop or mince heart and lungs, and grate best part of liver (about
16976 half only). Parboil and chop onions, mix all together with oatmeal, suet,
16977 salt, pepper and stock to moisten. Pack the mixture into bag, allowing for
16978 swelling. Boil for three hours, pricking regularly all over. If bag not
16979 available, steam in greased basin covered by greaseproof paper and cloth for
16980 four to five hours.
16982 For those who like this sort of thing, this is the sort of thing they like.
16985 For three days after death hair and fingernails
16986 continue to grow, but phone calls taper off.
16989 For years a secret shame destroyed my peace--
16990 I'd not read Eliot, Auden or MacNiece.
16991 But now I think a thought that brings me hope:
16992 Neither had Chaucer, Shakespeare, Milton, Pope.
16993 -- Justin Richardson.
16995 Force has no place where there is need of skill.
16998 "Force is but might," the teacher said--
16999 "That definition's just."
17000 The boy said naught but thought instead,
17001 Remembering his pounded head:
17002 "Force is not might but must!"
17005 If it breaks, well, it wasn't working anyway...
17006 No, don't force it, get a bigger hammer.
17008 FORCE YOURSELF TO RELAX!
17011 A prediction of the future, based on the past, for
17012 which the forecaster demands payment in the present.
17014 Forest fires cause Smokey Bears.
17017 A gift of God bestowed upon debtors in compensation for
17018 their destitution of conscience.
17020 Forgive and forget.
17024 for he believes that the customs of his tribe are the laws of nature!
17027 Forgive, O Lord, my little jokes on Thee
17028 And I'll forgive Thy great big one on me.
17031 Forgive your enemies, but don't forget their names.
17034 Forsan et haec olim meminisse juvabit.
17038 FORTRAN is a good example of a language
17039 which is easier to parse using ad hoc techniques.
17041 [What's good about it? Ed.]
17043 FORTRAN is for pipe stress freaks and crystallography weenies.
17045 FORTRAN is not a flower but a weed -- it is hardy,
17046 occasionally blooms, and grows in every computer.
17049 FORTRAN is the language of Powerful Computers.
17052 FORTRAN rots the brain.
17055 FORTRAN, "the infantile disorder", by now nearly 20 years old, is hopelessly
17056 inadequate for whatever computer application you have in mind today: it is
17057 too clumsy, too risky, and too expensive to use.
17058 -- Edsger W. Dijkstra, SIGPLAN Notices, Volume 17, Number 5
17060 FORTRAN, "the infantile disorder", by now nearly 20 years old, is
17061 hopelessly inadequate for whatever computer application you have
17062 in mind today: it is now too clumsy, too risky, and too expensive
17064 -- Edsger W. Dijkstra
17066 [FORTRAN] will persist for some time --
17067 probably for at least the next decade.
17070 Fortunate is he for whom the belle toils.
17072 Fortunately, the responsibility for providing evidence is on the part of
17073 the person making the claim, not the critic. It is not the responsibility
17074 of UFO skeptics to prove that a UFO has never existed, nor is it the
17075 responsibility of paranormal-health-claims skeptics to prove that crystals
17076 or colored lights never healed anyone. The skeptic's role is to point out
17077 claims that are not adequately supported by acceptable evidence and to
17078 provide plausible alternative explanations that are more in keeping with
17079 the accepted body of scientific evidence.
17080 -- Thomas L. Creed, The Skeptical Inquirer, Vol. XII,
17083 Fortune and love befriend the bold.
17086 FORTUNE ANSWERS THE TOUGH QUESTIONS: #3
17088 Q: Why haven't you graduated yet?
17089 A: Well, Dad, I could have finished years ago, but I wanted
17090 my dissertation to rhyme.
17092 FORTUNE ANSWERS THE TOUGH QUESTIONS: #8
17095 A: No, He's a mythter.
17097 fortune: cannot execute. Out of cookies.
17099 FORTUNE DISCUSSES THE DIFFERENCES BETWEEN MEN AND WOMEN: #14
17102 Let's say a man and woman are watching a boxing match on TV. One
17103 of the boxers is felled by a low blow. The woman says "Oh, gee. That must
17104 hurt." The man doubles over and actually FEELS the pain.
17107 A woman will dress up to go shopping, water the plants, empty the
17108 garbage, answer the phone, read a book, get the mail. A man will dress up
17109 for: weddings, funerals. Speaking of weddings, when reminiscing about
17110 weddings, women talk about "the ceremony". Men laugh about "the bachelor
17114 Men think David Letterman is the funniest man on the face of the
17115 Earth. Women think he is a mean, semi-dorky guy who always has a bad
17118 FORTUNE DISCUSSES THE DIFFERENCES BETWEEN MEN AND WOMEN: #16
17121 First of all, a man does not call a relationship a relationship -- he
17122 refers to it as "that time when me and Suzie were doing it on a semi-regular
17124 When a relationship ends, a woman will cry and pour her heart out to
17125 her girlfriends, and she will write a poem titled "All Men Are Idiots". Then
17126 she will get on with her life.
17127 A man has a little more trouble letting go. Six months after the
17128 breakup, at 3:00 a.m. on a Saturday night, he will call and say, "I just
17129 wanted to let you know you ruined my life, and I'll never forgive you, and I
17130 hate you, and you're a total floozy. But I want you to know that there's
17131 always a chance for us". This is known as the "I Hate You / I Love You"
17132 drunken phone call, that 99% if all men have made at least once. There are
17133 community colleges that offer courses to help men get over this need; alas,
17134 these classes rarely prove effective.
17136 FORTUNE DISCUSSES THE DIFFERENCES BETWEEN MEN AND WOMEN: #17
17139 The average man has 4 pairs of footwear: running shoes, dress shoes,
17140 boots, and slippers. The average woman has shoes 4 layers thick on the floor
17141 of her closet. Most of them hurt her feet.
17144 A woman will meet another woman with common interests, do a few things
17145 together, and say something like, "I hope we can be good friends."
17146 A man will meet another man with common interests, do a few things
17147 together, and say nothing. After years of interacting with this other man,
17148 sharing hopes and fears that he wouldn't confide in his priest or
17149 psychiatrist, he'll finally let down his guard in a fit of drunken
17150 sentimentality and say something like, "You know, for someone who's such a
17151 jerk, I guess you're OK."
17153 FORTUNE DISCUSSES THE DIFFERENCES BETWEEN MEN AND WOMEN: #2
17156 A woman will generally admire an ornate dessert for the artistic
17157 work it is, praising its creator and waiting a suitable interval before
17158 she reluctantly takes a small sliver off one edge. A man will start by
17159 grabbing the cherry in the center.
17162 The average man thinks his Y chromosome contains complete repair
17163 manuals for every car made since World War II. He will work on a problem
17164 himself until it either goes away or turns into something that "can't be
17165 fixed without special tools".
17166 The average woman thinks "that funny thump-thump noise" is an
17167 accurate description of an automotive problem. She will, however, have the
17168 car serviced at the proper intervals and thereby incur fewer problems than
17171 FORTUNE DISCUSSES THE DIFFERENCES BETWEEN MEN AND WOMEN: #4
17174 When reminiscing about weddings, women talk about "the ceremony".
17175 Men talk about "the bachelor party".
17178 Men don't discard clothes. The average man still has the gym shirt
17179 he wore in high school. He thinks a jacket is "just getting broken in" about
17180 the time it develops holes in the elbows. A man will let new shirts sit on
17181 the shelf in their original packaging for a couple of years before putting
17182 them to use, hoping they'll become more comfortable with age.
17183 Women think clothes are radioactive, with a half-life of one year.
17184 They exercise precautions to avoid contamination by last year's fashions.
17186 FORTUNE DISCUSSES THE DIFFERENCES BETWEEN MEN AND WOMEN: #5
17189 The average woman would really like to be told if her mate is fooling
17190 around behind her back. This same woman wouldn't tell her best friend if
17191 she knew the best friends' mate was having an affair. She'll tell all her
17192 OTHER friends, however. The average man won't say anything if he knows that
17193 one of his friend's mates is fooling around, and he'd rather not know if
17194 his mate is having an affair either, out of fear that it might be with one
17195 of his friends. He will tell all his friends about his own affairs, though,
17196 so they can be ready if he needs an alibi.
17200 A typical man thinks he's Mario Andretti as soon as he slips behind
17201 the wheel of his car. The fact that it's an 8-year-old Honda doesn't keep
17202 him from trying to out-accelerate the guy in the Porsche who's attempting
17203 to cut him off; freeway on-ramps are exciting challenges to see who has The
17204 Right Stuff on the morning commute. Does he or doesn't he? Only his body
17205 shop knows for sure. Insurance companies understand this behavior, and
17206 price their policies accordingly.
17207 A woman will slow down to let a car merge in front of her, and get
17208 rear-ended by another woman who was busy adding the finishing touches to
17211 FORTUNE DISCUSSES THE DIFFERENCES BETWEEN MEN AND WOMEN: #6
17214 A man has six items in his bathroom -- a toothbrush, toothpaste,
17215 shaving cream, razor, a bar of Dial soap, and a towel from the Holiday Inn.
17216 The average number of items in the typical woman's bathroom is 437. A man
17217 would not be able to identify most of these items.
17220 A woman makes a list of things she needs and then goes to the store
17221 and buys these things. A man waits 'til the only items left in his fridge
17222 are half a lime and a Blue Ribbon. Then he goes grocery shopping. He buys
17223 everything that looks good. By the time a man reaches the checkout counter,
17224 his cart is packed tighter that the Clampett's car on Beverly Hillbillies.
17225 Of course, this will not stop him from entering the 10-items-or-less lane.
17227 FORTUNE DISCUSSES THE DIFFERENCES BETWEEN MEN AND WOMEN: #8
17230 When a man says he is ready to go out, it means he is ready to go
17231 out. When a woman says she is ready to go out, it means she WILL be ready
17232 to go out, as soon as she finds her earring, finishes putting on her makeup,
17233 checks on the kids, makes a phone call to her best friend...
17236 Women love cats. Men say they love cats, but when women aren't
17237 looking, men kick cats.
17240 Ah, children. A woman knows all about her children. She knows
17241 about dentist appointments and soccer games and romances and best friends
17242 and favorite foods and secret fears and hopes and dreams. Men are vaguely
17243 aware of some short people living in the house.
17245 FORTUNE DISCUSSES THE DIFFERENCES BETWEEN MEN AND WOMEN: #9
17248 Women do laundry every couple of days. A man will wear every article
17249 of clothing he owns, including his surgical pants that were hip about eight
17250 years ago, before he will do his laundry. When he is finally out of clothes,
17251 he will wear a dirty sweatshirt inside out, rent a U-Haul and take his mountain
17252 of clothes to the laundromat. Men always expect to meet beautiful women at
17253 the laundromat. This is a myth.
17256 If Gloria, Suzanne, Deborah and Michelle get together for lunch,
17257 they will call each other Gloria, Suzanne, Deborah and Michelle. But if
17258 Mike, Dave, Rob and Jack go out for a brewsky, they will affectionately
17259 refer to each other as Bullet-Head, Godzilla, Peanut Brain and Useless.
17262 Men wear sensible socks. They wear standard white sweatsocks.
17263 Women wear strange socks. They are cut way below the ankles, have pictures
17264 of clouds on them, and have a big fuzzy ball on the back.
17266 FORTUNE DISCUSSES THE OBSCURE FILMS: #10
17269 Bogart stars as the owner of a north african nightclub that sells
17270 only Mexican beer. Of course, this policy gets him into no end of
17271 trouble with the local French authorities who would really prefer
17272 wine and the occupying Germans who believe that only their beer is
17273 fit to be sold. Wacky events ensue until the gripping climax in
17274 which the much-hated German beer distributor is drowned in a vat.
17276 FORTUNE DISCUSSES THE OBSCURE FILMS: #11
17279 Peter Weir's classic film examining the false heroism of parlour
17280 games. The powerful ending of the film sees one young man after
17281 another charge toward GO, only to senselessly lose his life on the
17282 Boardwalk property.
17284 FORTUNE DISCUSSES THE OBSCURE FILMS: #12
17286 O.E.D.: David Lean, 1969, 3 hours 30 min.
17288 Lean's version of the Oxford Dictionary has been accused of
17289 shallowness in its treatment of a complete work. Omar Sharif
17290 tends to overact as aardvark, but Alec Guiness is solid in
17291 the role of abbacy. As usual, the photography is stunning.
17292 With Julie Christie.
17294 FORTUNE DISCUSSES THE OBSCURE FILMS: #3
17296 MIRACLE ON 42ND STREET:
17297 Santa Claus, in the off season, follows his heart's desire and
17298 tries to make it big on Broadway. Santa sings and dances his way
17301 FORTUNE DISCUSSES THE OBSCURE FILMS: #4
17304 Peter Weir directs Sylvester Stallone in the most challenging role
17305 of his career. Stallone plays a Philadelphia police officer on the
17306 run from corrupt officials. He is wounded and then nursed back to
17307 health by Amish Mennonites. Fearful that they might unwittingly
17308 reveal his hiding place, he blows them all away.
17310 FORTUNE DISCUSSES THE OBSCURE FILMS: #5
17312 THE ATOMIC GRANDMOTHER:
17313 This humorous but heart-warming story tells of an elderly woman
17314 forced to work at a nuclear power plant in order to help the family
17315 make ends meet. At night, granny sits on the porch, tells tales
17316 of her colorful past, and the family uses her to cook barbecues
17317 and to power small electrical appliances. Maureen Stapleton gives
17318 a glowing performance.
17320 FORTUNE DISCUSSES THE OBSCURE FILMS: #6
17322 RAZORBACK: Paul Harbride, 1984, 2 hours 25 min.
17323 One of the great Australian films of the early 1980's,
17324 and arguably the best movie ever made about a large,
17325 man-eating hog. Some violence. With Gregory Harrison.
17327 FORTUNE DISCUSSES THE OBSCURE FILMS: #7
17329 OUT OF "OUT OF AFRICA":
17330 This film is a compilation of selected news clips depicting audiences
17331 frantically pushing and shoving to get out of theatres where "Out of
17332 Africa" is showing. Many people are trampled to death in the frenzy.
17333 Due to its violence and offensive language, not recommended for
17336 FORTUNE DISCUSSES THE OBSCURE FILMS: #8
17338 THE SMURFS AND THE CUISINART (1986)
17339 The lovable little blue Smurfs encounter a lovable little kitchen
17340 appliance, which invites them to play. The Smurfs learn a valuable
17341 (if sometimes fatal) lesson.
17343 THE SMURFS AND THE CARBON-DIOXIDE INDUSTRIAL LASER (1987)
17344 The inevitable sequel. The lovable and somewhat mangled surviving
17345 Smurfs team up with the Care Bears to encounter a cute, lovable piece
17346 of high-tech welding equipment, which teaches them the magic of
17347 becoming rather greasy smoke. Heartwarming fun for the entire family.
17349 FORTUNE DISCUSSES THE OBSCURE FILMS: #9
17351 THE PARKING PROBLEM IN PARIS: Jean-Luc Godard, 1971, 7 hours 18 min.
17353 Godard's meditation on the topic has been described as
17354 everything from "timeless" to "endless." (Remade by Gene
17355 Wilder as NO PLACE TO PARK.)
17357 Fortune Documents the Great Legal Decisions:
17359 It is a rule of evidence deduced from the experience of mankind and
17360 supported by reason and authority that positive testimony is entitled to
17361 more weight than negative testimony, but by the latter term is meant
17362 negative testimony in its true sense and not positive evidence of a
17363 negative, because testimony in support of a negative may be as positive
17364 as that in support of an affirmative.
17365 -- 254 Pac. Rep. 472.
17367 Fortune Documents the Great Legal Decisions:
17369 We can imagine no reason why, with ordinary care, human toes could not be
17370 left out of chewing tobacco, and if toes are found in chewing tobacco, it
17371 seems to us that someone has been very careless.
17374 Fortune Documents the Great Legal Decisions:
17376 We think that we may take judicial notice of the fact that the term "bitch"
17377 may imply some feeling of endearment when applied to a female of the canine
17378 species but that it is seldom, if ever, so used when applied to a female
17379 of the human race. Coming as it did, reasonably close on the heels of two
17380 revolver shots directed at the person of whom it was probably used, we think
17381 it carries every reasonable implication of ill-will toward that person.
17382 -- Smith v. Moran, 193 N.E. 2d 466.
17384 FORTUNE EXPLAINS WHAT JOB REVIEW CATCH PHRASES MEAN: #1
17386 skilled oral communicator:
17387 Mumbles inaudibly when attempting to speak. Talks to self.
17388 Argues with self. Loses these arguments.
17390 skilled written communicator:
17391 Scribbles well. Memos are invariable illegible, except for
17392 the portions that attribute recent failures to someone else.
17395 With proper guidance, periodic counselling, and remedial training,
17396 the reviewee may, given enough time and close supervision, meet
17397 the minimum requirements expected of him by the company.
17399 key company figure:
17400 Serves as the perfect counter example.
17402 FORTUNE EXPLAINS WHAT JOB REVIEW CATCH PHRASES MEAN: #4
17405 Reviewee hasn't gotten anything right yet, and it is anticipated
17406 that this pattern will continue throughout the coming year.
17408 an excellent sounding board:
17409 Present reviewee with any number of alternatives, and implement
17410 them in the order precisely opposite of his/her specification.
17412 a planner and organizer:
17413 Usually manages to put on socks before shoes. Can match the
17414 animal tags on his clothing.
17416 FORTUNE EXPLAINS WHAT JOB REVIEW CATCH PHRASES MEAN: #9
17418 has management potential:
17419 Because of his intimate relationship with inanimate objects, the
17420 reviewee has been appointed to the critical position of department
17424 A true inspiration to others. ("There, but for the grace of God,
17428 Passes wind, water, or out depending upon the severity of the
17432 Continually sets low goals for himself, and usually fails
17435 Fortune favors the lucky.
17437 Fortune finishes the great quotations, #12
17439 Those who can, do. Those who can't, write the instructions.
17441 Fortune finishes the great quotations, #15
17443 "Give me your tired, your poor, your huddled masses."
17444 And while you're at it, throw in a couple of those Dallas
17445 Cowboy cheerleaders.
17447 Fortune finishes the great quotations, #17
17449 "This bud of love, by summer's ripening breath,
17450 May prove a beauteous flower when next we meet."
17451 Juliet, this bud's for you.
17453 Fortune finishes the great quotations, #2
17455 If at first you don't succeed, think how many people
17458 Fortune finishes the great quotations, #21
17460 Shall I compare thee to a Summer day?
17463 Fortune finishes the great quotations, #3
17465 Birds of a feather flock to a newly washed car.
17467 Fortune finishes the great quotations, #6
17469 "But, soft! What light through yonder window breaks?"
17470 It's nothing, honey. Go back to sleep.
17472 Fortune finishes the great quotations, #9
17474 A word to the wise is often enough to start an argument.
17476 fortune: No such file or directory
17481 USEFUL PHRASES IN ESPERANTO, #1.
17483 ^Cu vi parolas angle? Do you speak English?
17484 Mi ne komprenas. I don't understand.
17485 Vi estas la sola esperantisto kiun mi You're the only Esperanto speaker
17486 renkontas. I've met.
17487 La ^ceko estas enpo^stigita. The check is in the mail.
17488 Oni ne povas, ^gin netrovi. You can't miss it.
17489 Mi nur rigardadas. I'm just looking around.
17490 Nu, ^sajnis bona ideo. Well, it seemed like a good idea.
17493 USEFUL PHRASES IN ESPERANTO, #2.
17495 ^Cu tiu loko estas okupita? Is this seat taken?
17496 ^Cu vi ofte venas ^ci-tien? Do you come here often?
17497 ^Cu mi povas havi via telelonnumeron? May I have your phone number?
17498 Mi estas komputilisto. I work with computers.
17499 Mi legas multe da scienca fikcio. I read a lot of science fiction.
17500 ^Cu necesas ke vi eliras? Do you really have to be going?
17503 USEFUL PHRASES IN ESPERANTO, #5.
17505 Mi ^cevalovipus vin se mi havus I'd horsewhip you if I had a horse.
17507 Vere vi ^sercas. You must be kidding.
17508 Nu, parDOOOOOnu min! Well exCUUUUUSE me!
17509 Kiu invitis vin? Who invited you?
17510 Kion vi diris pri mia patrino? What did you say about my mother?
17511 Bu^so^stopu min per kulero. Gag me with a spoon.
17513 FORTUNE PRESENTS FAMOUS LAST WORDS: #4
17515 Socrates: I DRANK WHAT!?!?
17516 Tarzan: Who greased the grape viiiiiiiiiiiinnnneee........
17517 Al Capone: There's a violin in my violin case!
17518 Pilot, TWA Fl. #343: What's a mountain goat doing 'way up here?
17520 FORTUNE PROVIDES QUESTIONS FOR THE GREAT ANSWERS: #13
17522 A: Doc, Happy, Bashful, Dopey, Sneezy, Sleepy, & Grumpy
17523 Q: Who were the Democratic presidential candidates?
17525 FORTUNE PROVIDES QUESTIONS FOR THE GREAT ANSWERS: #15
17527 A: The Royal Canadian Mounted Police.
17528 Q: What was the greatest achievement in taxidermy?
17530 FORTUNE PROVIDES QUESTIONS FOR THE GREAT ANSWERS: #19
17532 A: To be or not to be.
17533 Q: What is the square root of 4b^2?
17535 FORTUNE PROVIDES QUESTIONS FOR THE GREAT ANSWERS: #21
17537 A: Dr. Livingston I. Presume.
17538 Q: What's Dr. Presume's full name?
17540 FORTUNE PROVIDES QUESTIONS FOR THE GREAT ANSWERS: #31
17542 A: Chicken Teriyaki.
17543 Q: What is the name of the world's oldest kamikaze pilot?
17545 FORTUNE PROVIDES QUESTIONS FOR THE GREAT ANSWERS: #4
17547 A: Go west, young man, go west!
17548 Q: What do wabbits do when they get tiwed of wunning awound?
17550 FORTUNE PROVIDES QUESTIONS FOR THE GREAT ANSWERS: #5
17552 A: The Halls of Montezuma and the Shores of Tripoli.
17553 Q: Name two families whose kids won't join the Marines.
17555 FORTUNE REMEMBERS THE GREAT MOTHERS: #5
17557 "And, and, and, and, but, but, but, but!"
17558 -- Mrs. Janice Markowsky, April 8, 1965
17560 FORTUNE REMEMBERS THE GREAT MOTHERS: #6
17562 "Johnny, if you fall and break your leg, don't come running to me!"
17563 -- Mrs. Emily Barstow, June 16, 1954
17565 Fortune suggests uses for YOUR favorite UNIX commands!
17569 drink < bottle; opener (Bourne Shell)
17570 cat "food in tin cans" (all but 4.[23]BSD)
17571 Hey UNIX! Got a match? (V6 or C shell)
17572 mkdir matter; cat > matter (Bourne Shell)
17574 man: Why did you get a divorce? (C shell)
17575 date me (anything up to 4.3BSD)
17576 make "heads or tails of all this"
17579 If I had a ) for every dollar of the national debt, what would I have?
17580 sleep with me (anything up to 4.3BSD)
17582 Fortune's current rates:
17586 Answers requiring thought .50
17587 Correct answers $1.00
17589 Dumb looks are still free.
17591 Fortune's diet truths:
17592 1: Forget what the cookbooks say, plain yogurt tastes nothing like sour cream.
17593 2: Any recipe calling for soybeans tastes like mud.
17594 3: Carob is not an acceptable substitute for chocolate. In fact, carob is not
17595 an acceptable substitute for anything, except, perhaps, brown shoe polish.
17596 4: There is no such thing as a "fun salad." So let's stop pretending and see
17597 salads for what they are: God's punishment for being fat.
17598 5: Fruit salad without maraschino cherries and marshmallows is about as
17599 appealing as tepid beer.
17600 6: A world lacking gravy is a tragic place!
17601 7: You should immediately pass up any recipes entitled "luscious and
17602 low-cal." Also skip dishes featuring "lively liver." They aren't and
17604 8: Wearing a blindfold often makes many diet foods more palatable.
17605 9: Fresh fruit is not dessert. CAKE is dessert!
17606 10: Okra tastes slightly worse than its name implies.
17607 11: A plain baked potato isn't worth the effort involved in chewing and
17610 Fortune's Exercising Truths:
17612 1: Richard Simmons gets paid to exercise like a lunatic. You don't.
17613 2. Aerobic exercises stimulate and speed up the heart. So do heart attacks.
17614 3. Exercising around small children can scar them emotionally for life.
17615 4. Sweating like a pig and gasping for breath is not refreshing.
17616 5. No matter what anyone tells you, isometric exercises cannot be done
17617 quietly at your desk at work. People will suspect manic tendencies as
17618 you twitter around in your chair.
17619 6. Next to burying bones, the thing a dog enjoys most is tripping joggers.
17620 7. Locking four people in a tiny, cement-walled room so they can run around
17621 for an hour smashing a little rubber ball -- and each other -- with a hard
17622 racket should immediately be recognized for what it is: a form of insanity.
17623 8. Fifty push-ups, followed by thirty sit-ups, followed by ten chin-ups,
17624 followed by one throw-up.
17625 9. Any activity that can't be done while smoking should be avoided.
17627 FORTUNE'S FAVORITE RECIPES: #8
17630 1 or 2 quarts rum 1 tbsp. baking powder
17631 1 cup butter 1 tsp. soda
17632 1 tsp. sugar 1 tbsp. lemon juice
17633 2 large eggs 2 cups brown sugar
17634 2 cups dried assorted fruit 3 cups chopped English walnuts
17636 Before you start, sample the rum to check for quality. Good, isn't it? Now
17637 select a large mixing bowl, measuring cup, etc. Check the rum again. It
17638 must be just right. Be sure the rum is of the highest quality. Pour one cup
17639 of rum into a glass and drink it as fast as you can. Repeat. With an electric
17640 mixer, beat one cup butter in a large fluffy bowl. Add 1 seaspoon of tugar
17641 and beat again. Meanwhile, make sure the rum teh absolutely highest quality.
17642 Sample another cup. Open second quart as necessary. Add 2 orge laggs, 2 cups
17643 of fried druit and beat untill high. If the fried druit gets stuck in the
17644 beaters, just pry it loose with a screwdriver. Sample the rum again, checking
17645 for toncisticity. Next sift 3 cups of baking powder, a pinch of rum, a
17646 seaspoon of toda and a cup of pepper or salt (it really doesn't matter).
17647 Sample some more. Sift 912 pint of lemon juice. Fold in schopped butter and
17648 strained chups. Add bablespoon of brown gugar, or whatever color you have.
17649 Mix mell. Grease oven and turn cake pan to 350 gredees and rake until
17650 poothtick comes out crean.
17652 FORTUNE'S FUN FACTS TO KNOW AND TELL: #1
17653 A guinea pig is not from Guinea but a rodent from South America.
17654 A firefly is not a fly, but a beetle.
17655 A giant panda bear is really a member of the raccoon family.
17656 A black panther is really a leopard that has a solid black coat
17657 rather than a spotted one.
17658 Peanuts are not really nuts. The majority of nuts grow on trees
17659 while peanuts grow underground. They are classified as a
17660 legume-part of the pea family.
17661 A cucumber is not a vegetable but a fruit.
17663 FORTUNE'S FUN FACTS TO KNOW AND TELL: #14
17664 The Baby Ruth candy bar was not named after George Herman "The Babe"
17665 Ruth, but after the oldest daughter of President Grover Cleveland.
17667 FORTUNE'S FUN FACTS TO KNOW AND TELL: #37
17668 Can you name the seven seas?
17669 Antartic, Artic, North Atlantic, South Atlantic, Indian,
17670 North Pacific, South Pacific.
17671 Can you name the seven dwarfs from Snow White?
17672 Doc, Dopey, Sneezy, Happy, Grumpy, Sleepy and Bashful.
17674 FORTUNE'S FUN FACTS TO KNOW AND TELL: #44
17675 Zebra's are colored with dark stripes on a light background.
17677 FORTUNE'S FUN FACTS TO KNOW AND TELL: #108
17679 In Memphis, Tennessee, it is illegal for a woman to drive a car unless
17680 there is a man either running or walking in front of it waving a red
17681 flag to warn approaching motorists and pedestrians.
17683 FORTUNE'S FUN FACTS TO KNOW AND TELL: #14
17684 According to Kentucky state law, every person must take a bath
17685 at least once a year.
17687 FORTUNE'S FUN FACTS TO KNOW AND TELL: #16
17689 The Arkansas legislature passed a law that states that the Arkansas River
17690 can rise no higher than to the Main Street bridge in Little Rock.
17692 FORTUNE'S FUN FACTS TO KNOW AND TELL: #19
17693 A Los Angeles judge ruled that "a citizen may snore with immunity in
17694 his own home, even though he may be in possession of unusual and exceptional
17695 ability in that particular field."
17697 FORTUNE'S FUN FACTS TO KNOW AND TELL: #1
17699 In Blythe, California, a city ordinance declares that a person must own
17700 at least two cows before he can wear cowboy boots in public.
17702 FORTUNE'S FUN FACTS TO KNOW AND TELL: #2
17703 Horses are forbidden to eat fire hydrants in Marshalltown, Iowa.
17705 FORTUNE'S FUN FACTS TO KNOW AND TELL: #3
17706 A New York City judge ruled that if two women behind you at the
17707 movies insist on discussing the probable outcome of the film, you have the
17708 right to turn around and blow a Bronx cheer at them.
17710 FORTUNE'S FUN FACTS TO KNOW AND TELL: #8
17712 Idaho state law makes it illegal for a man to give his sweetheart
17713 a box of candy weighing less than fifty pounds.
17715 Fortune's Great Moments in History: #3
17718 A Hall of Fame opened to honor outstanding members of the
17719 Women's Air Corp. It was a WAC's Museum.
17721 FORTUNE'S GUIDE TO DEALING WITH REAL-LIFE SCIENCE FICTION: #14
17723 if reality disappears?
17724 Hope this one doesn't happen to you. There isn't much that you
17725 can do about it. It will probably be quite unpleasant.
17727 if you meet an older version of yourself who has invented a time
17728 traveling machine, and has come from the future to meet you?
17729 Play this one by the book. Ask about the stock market and cash in.
17730 Don't forget to invent a time traveling machine and visit your
17731 younger self before you die, or you will create a paradox. If you
17732 expect this to be tricky, make sure to ask for the principles
17733 behind time travel, and possibly schematics. Never, NEVER, ask
17734 when you'll die, or if you'll marry your current SO.
17736 FORTUNE'S GUIDE TO DEALING WITH REAL-LIFE SCIENCE FICTION: #2
17738 if you get a phone call from Mars:
17739 Speak slowly and be sure to enunciate your words properly. Limit
17740 your vocabulary to simple words. Try to determine if you are
17741 speaking to someone in a leadership capacity, or an ordinary citizen.
17743 if he, she or it doesn't speak English?
17744 Hang up. There's no sense in trying to learn Martian over the phone.
17745 If your Martian really had something important to say to you, he, she
17746 or it would have taken the trouble to learn the language before
17749 if you get a phone call from Jupiter?
17750 Explain to your caller, politely but firmly, that being from Jupiter,
17751 he, she or it is not "life as we know it". Try to terminate the
17752 conversation as soon as possible. It will not profit you, and the
17753 charges may have been reversed.
17755 FORTUNE'S GUIDE TO DEALING WITH REAL-LIFE SCIENCE FICTION: #6
17757 if a starship, equipped with an FTL hyperdrive lands in your backyard?
17758 First of all, do not run after your camera. You will not have any
17759 film, and, given the state of computer animation, noone will believe
17760 you anyway. Be polite. Remember, if they have an FTL hyperdrive,
17761 they can probably vaporize you, should they find you to be rude.
17762 Direct them to the White House lawn, which is where they probably
17763 wanted to land, anyway. A good road map should help.
17765 if you wake up in the middle of the night, and discover that your
17766 closet contains an alternate dimension?
17767 Don't walk in. You almost certainly will not be able to get back,
17768 and alternate dimensions are almost never any fun. Remain calm
17769 and go back to bed. Close the door first, so that the cat does not
17770 wander off. Check your closet in the morning. If it still contains
17771 an alternate dimension, nail it shut.
17773 Fortune's Guide to Freshman Notetaking:
17775 WHEN THE PROFESSOR SAYS: YOU WRITE:
17777 Probably the greatest quality of the poetry John Milton -- born 1608
17778 of John Milton, who was born in 1608, is the
17779 combination of beauty and power. Few have
17780 excelled him in the use of the English language,
17781 or for that matter, in lucidity of verse form,
17782 'Paradise Lost' being said to be the greatest
17783 single poem ever written."
17785 Current historians have come to Most of the problems that now
17786 doubt the complete advantageousness face the United States are
17787 of some of Roosevelt's policies... directly traceable to the
17788 bungling and greed of President
17791 ... it is possible that we simply do Professor Mitchell is a
17792 not understand the Russian viewpoint... communist.
17794 Fortune's nomination for All-Time Champion and Protector of Youthful Morals
17795 goes to Representative Clare E. Hoffman of Michigan. During an impassioned
17796 House debate over a proposed bill to "expand oyster and clam research," a
17797 sharp-eared informant transcribed the following exchange between our hero
17798 and Rep. John D. Dingell, also of Michigan.
17800 Dingell: "There are places in the world at the present time where we are
17801 having to artificially propagate oysters and clams."
17802 Hoffman: "You mean the oysters I buy are not nature's oysters?"
17803 Dingell: "They may or may not be natural. The simple fact of the matter is
17804 that female oysters through their living habits cast out large
17805 amounts of seed and the male oysters cast out large amounts of
17807 Hoffman: "Wait a minute! I do not want to go into that. There are many
17808 teenagers who read The Congressional Record."
17810 FORTUNE'S PARTY TIPS: #14
17812 Tired of finding that other people are helping themselves to
17813 your good liquor at BYOB parties? Take along a candle, which you insert
17814 and light after you've opened the bottle. No one ever expects anything
17815 drinkable to be in a bottle which has a candle stuck in its neck.
17817 Fortune's Rules for Memo Wars: #2
17819 Given the incredible advances in sociocybernetics and telepsychology over
17820 the last few years, we are now able to completely understand everything that
17821 the author of an memo is trying to say. Thanks to modern developments
17822 in electrocommunications like notes, vnews, and electricity, we have an
17823 incredible level of interunderstanding the likes of which civilization has
17824 never known. Thus, the possibility of your misinterpreting someone else's
17825 memo is practically nil. Knowing this, anyone who accuses you of having
17826 done so is a liar, and should be treated accordingly. If you *do* understand
17827 the memo in question, but have absolutely nothing of substance to say, then
17828 you have an excellent opportunity for a vicious ad hominem attack. In fact,
17829 the only *inappropriate* times for an ad hominem attack are as follows:
17831 1: When you agree completely with the author of an memo.
17832 2: When the author of the original memo is much bigger than you are.
17833 3: When replying to one of your own memos.
17835 FORTUNE'S RULES TO LIVE BY: #2
17837 Never goose a wolverine.
17839 FORTUNE'S RULES TO LIVE BY: #23
17841 Don't cut off a police car when making an illegal U-turn.
17843 Forty isn't old, if you're a tree.
17845 Four be the things I am wiser to know:
17846 Idleness, sorrow, a friend, and a foe.
17848 Four be the things I'd been better without:
17849 Love, curiosity, freckles, and doubt.
17851 Three be the things I shall never attain:
17852 Envy, content, and sufficient champagne.
17854 Three be the things I shall have till I die:
17855 Laughter and hope and a sock in the eye.
17858 Four be the things I'd been better without:
17859 Love, curiosity, freckles, and doubt.
17860 -- Dorothy Parker, "Not So Deep as a Well"
17862 Four fifths of the perjury in the world is expended on
17863 tombstones, women and competitors.
17864 -- Lord Thomas Dewar
17866 Four hours to bury the cat?
17867 Yes, damn thing wouldn't keep still, kept mucking about, 'owling...
17869 Fourteen years in the professor dodge has taught me that one can argue
17870 ingeniously on behalf of any theory, applied to any piece of literature.
17871 This is rarely harmful, because normally no-one reads such essays.
17872 -- Robert Parker, quoted in "Murder Ink", ed. D. Wynn
17874 Fourth Law of Applied Terror:
17875 The night before the English History mid-term, your Biology
17876 instructor will assign 200 pages on planaria.
17879 Every instructor assumes that you have nothing else to do except
17880 study for that instructor's course.
17882 Fourth Law of Revision:
17883 It is usually impractical to worry beforehand about
17884 interferences -- if you have none, someone will make one
17887 Frankly, Scarlett, I don't have a fix.
17890 Fraud is the homage that force pays to reason.
17891 -- Charles Curtis, "A Commonplace Book"
17893 Free Speech Is The Right To Shout 'Theater' In A Crowded Fire.
17894 -- A Yippie Proverb
17896 Freedom begins when you tell Mrs. Grundy to go fly a kite.
17898 Freedom from incrustation of grime is contiguous to rectitude.
17900 Freedom is nothing else but the chance to do better.
17903 Freedom is slavery.
17904 Ignorance is strength.
17908 Freedom of the press is for those who happen to own one.
17910 Freedom's just another word for nothing left to lose.
17911 -- Kris Kristofferson, "Me and Bobby McGee"
17913 Fremen add life to spice!
17915 Fresco's Discovery:
17916 If you knew what you were doing you'd probably be bored.
17918 Friction is a drag.
17921 Increased automation of clerical function
17922 invariably results in increased operational costs.
17924 Friends may come and go, but enemies accumulate.
17928 People who borrow your books and set wet glasses on them.
17930 People who know you well, but like you anyway.
17932 Friends, Romans, Hipsters,
17933 Let me clue you in;
17934 I come to put down Caeser, not to groove him.
17935 The square kicks some cats are on stay with them;
17936 The hip bits, like, go down under; so let it lay with Caeser.
17937 The cool Brutus gave you the message: Caeser had big eyes;
17938 If that's the sound, someone's copping a plea,
17939 And, like, old Caeser really set them straight.
17940 Here, copacetic with Brutus and the studs, -- for Brutus is a
17942 So are they all, all cool cats, --
17943 Come I to make this gig at Caeser's laying down.
17945 Friendships last when each friend thinks he has a slight superiority
17947 -- Honore de Balzac
17949 Frisbeetarianism is the belief that when you die,
17950 your soul goes up on the roof and gets stuck.
17952 From 0 to "what seems to be the problem officer" in 8.3 seconds.
17953 -- Ad for the new VW Corrado
17955 From a certain point onward there is no longer any turning back.
17956 That is the point that must be reached.
17959 From listening comes wisdom and from speaking repentance.
17961 From the cradle to the coffin underwear comes first.
17964 From the crystal swirling waters,
17966 To the sacred halls of Bayonne,
17967 Where we stand pajamas on. (It's the only thing that rhymes.)
17968 From ev'ry hallowed venue,
17969 Ev'ry forest, mount and vale,
17970 Your butt is on the menu
17971 And the check is in the mail.
17972 -- The Piranha Club Anthem, to the tune of "De Camptown Races"
17974 From the moment I picked your book up until I put it down I was
17975 convulsed with laughter. Some day I intend reading it.
17978 From too much love of living,
17979 From hope and fear set free,
17980 We thank with brief thanskgiving,
17981 Whatever gods may be,
17982 That no life lives forever,
17983 That dead men rise up never,
17984 That even the weariest river winds somewhere safe to sea.
17987 F.S. Fitzgerald to Hemingway:
17988 "Ernest, the rich are different from us."
17990 "Yes. They have more money."
17992 Fudd's First Law of Opposition:
17993 Push something hard enough and it will fall over.
17996 Get a can of shaving cream, throw it in a freezer for about a week.
17997 Then take it out, peel the metal off and put it where you want...
17998 bedroom, car, etc. As it thaws, it expands an unbelievable amount.
18001 In table tennis, whoever gets 21 points first wins. That's how
18002 it once was in baseball -- whoever got 21 runs first won.
18005 The name California was given to the state by Spanish conquistadores.
18006 It was the name of an imaginary island, a paradise on earth, in the
18007 Spanish romance, "Les Serges de Esplandian", written by Montalvo in
18012 Fundamentally, there may be no basis for anything.
18015 Having to wander through a maze of ropes at an airport or bank
18016 even when you are the only person in line.
18017 -- "Sniglets", Rich Hall & Friends
18020 Having to wander through a maze of ropes at an airport or bank
18021 even when you are the only person in line.
18022 -- Rich Hall, "Sniglets"
18024 Furious activity is no substitute for understanding.
18027 Furthermore, if we send something by car, it's a shipment...
18028 but if we send it by ship, it's cargo.
18030 Future looks spotty. You will spill soup in late evening.
18032 Gaiety is the most outstanding feature of the Soviet Union.
18035 Galbraith's Law of Human Nature:
18036 Faced with the choice between changing one's mind and proving that
18037 there is no need to do so, almost everybody gets busy on the proof.
18039 Garbage In - Gospel Out.
18041 Gauls! We have nothing to fear; except perhaps that the sky may fall on
18042 our heads tomorrow. But as we all know, tomorrow never comes!!
18043 -- Adventures of Asterix
18045 Gay shlafen: Yiddish for "go to sleep".
18047 Now doesn't "gay shlafen" have a softer, more soothing sound than the
18048 harsh, staccato "go to sleep"? Listen to the difference:
18049 "Go to sleep, you little wretch!" ... "Gay shlafen, darling."
18051 Clearly the best thing you can do for you children is to start
18052 speaking Yiddish right now and never speak another word of English as
18053 long as you live. This will, of course, entail teaching Yiddish to all
18054 your friends, business associates, the people at the supermarket, and
18055 so on, but that's just the point. It has to start with committed
18056 individuals and then grow....
18057 Some minor adjustments will have to be made, of course: those
18058 signs written in what look like Yiddish letters won't be funny when
18059 everything is written in Yiddish. And we'll have to start driving on
18060 the left side of the road so we won't be reading the street signs
18061 backwards. But is that too high a price to pay for world peace?
18062 I think not, my friend, I think not.
18065 GEMINI (May 21 - June 20)
18066 A day to take the initiative. Put the garbage out, for
18067 instance, and pick up the stuff at the dry cleaners. Watch
18068 the mail carefully, although there won't be anything good
18069 in it today, either.
18071 GEMINI (May 21 to Jun. 20)
18072 Good news and bad news highlighted. Enjoy the good news while you
18073 can; the bad news will make you forget it. You will enjoy praise
18074 and respect from those around you; everybody loves a sucker. A short
18075 trip is in the stars, possibly to the men's room.
18078 The predicament of a person in a restaurant who is unable to
18079 determine his or her designated restroom (e.g. turtles and tortoises).
18080 -- "Sniglets", Rich Hall & Friends
18083 The predicament of a person in a restaurant who is unable to
18084 determine his or her designated restroom (e.g., turtles and
18086 -- Rich Hall, "Sniglets"
18089 An account of one's descent from an ancestor
18090 who did not particularly care to trace his own.
18093 General notions are generally wrong.
18094 -- Lady M.W. Montagu
18096 Generally speaking, the Way of the warrior is resolute acceptance of death.
18097 -- Miyamoto Musashi, 1645
18101 Generosity and perfection are your everlasting goals.
18103 Genetics explains why you look like your father,
18104 and if you don't, why you should.
18107 A chemist who discovers a laundry additive that rhymes with bright.
18110 Person clever enough to be born in the right place at the right
18111 time of the right sex and to follow up this advantage by saying
18112 all the right things to all the right people.
18114 Genius does what it must, and Talent does what it can.
18117 Genius is one percent inspiration and ninety-nine percent perspiration.
18118 -- Thomas Alva Edison
18123 Genius is ten percent inspiration and fifty percent capital gains.
18125 Genius is the talent of a person who is dead.
18127 Genius may have its limitations, but stupidity is not thus handicapped.
18131 A chemist who discovers a laundry additive that rhymes with
18135 Why he stays in the bottle.
18138 Whilst marching from Portugal to a position which commands the approach
18139 to Madrid and the French forces, my officers have been diligently complying
18140 with your requests which have been sent by H.M. ship from London to Lisbon and
18141 thence by dispatch to our headquarters.
18142 We have enumerated our saddles, bridles, tents and tent poles, and all
18143 manner of sundry items for which His Majesty's Government holds me accountable.
18144 I have dispatched reports on the character, wit, and spleen of every officer.
18145 Each item and every farthing has been accounted for, with two regrettable
18146 exceptions for which I beg your indulgence.
18147 Unfortunately the sum of one shilling and ninepence remains unaccounted
18148 for in one infantry battalion's petty cash and there has been a hideous
18149 confusion as to the number of jars of raspberry jam issued to one cavalry
18150 regiment during a sandstorm in western Spain. This reprehensible carelessness
18151 may be related to the pressure of circumstance, since we are war with France,
18152 a fact which may come as a bit of a surprise to you gentlemen in Whitehall.
18153 This brings me to my present purpose, which is to request elucidation of
18154 my instructions from His Majesty's Government so that I may better understand
18155 why I am dragging an army over these barren plains. I construe that perforce it
18156 must be one of two alternative duties, as given below. I shall pursue either
18157 one with the best of my ability, but I cannot do both:
18158 1. To train an army of uniformed British clerks in Spain for the benefit
18159 of the accountants and copy-boys in London or perchance:
18160 2. To see to it that the forces of Napoleon are driven out of Spain.
18161 -- Duke of Wellington, to the British Foreign Office,
18164 Genuine happiness is when a wife sees a double chin on her husband's
18167 George Bernard Shaw once sent two tickets to the opening night of one of
18168 his plays to Winston Churchill with the following note:
18169 "Bring a friend, if you have one."
18171 Churchill wrote back, returning the two tickets and excused himself as he
18172 had a previous engagement. He also attached the following:
18173 "Please send me two tickets for the next night, if there is one."
18175 George Orwell was an optimist.
18177 George Washington was first in war, first in peace -- and the first to
18178 have his birthday juggled to make a long weekend.
18181 George's friend Sam had a dog who could recite the Gettysburg Address. "Let
18182 me buy him from you," pleaded George after a demonstration.
18183 "Okay," agreed Sam. "All he knows is that Lincoln speech anyway."
18184 At his company's Fourth of July picnic, George brought his new pet
18185 and announced that the animal could recite the entire Gettysburg Address.
18186 No one believed him, and they proceeded to place bets against the dog.
18187 George quieted the crowd and said, "Now we'll begin!" Then he looked at
18188 the dog. The dog looked back. No sound. "Come on, boy, do your stuff."
18189 Nothing. A disappointed George took his dog and went home.
18190 "Why did you embarrass me like that in front of everybody?" George
18191 yelled at the dog. "Do you realize how much money you lost me?"
18192 "Don't be silly, George," replied the dog. "Think of the odds we're
18193 gonna get on Labor Day."
18195 (German philosopher) Georg Wilhelm Hegel, on his deathbed, complained, "Only
18196 one man ever understood me." He fell silent for a while and then added,
18197 "And he didn't understand me."
18199 Gerrold's Laws of Infernal Dynamics:
18200 1) An object in motion will always be headed in the wrong direction.
18201 2) An object at rest will always be in the wrong place.
18202 3) The energy required to change either one of these states
18203 will always be more than you wish to expend, but never so
18204 much as to make the task totally impossible.
18206 Get forgiveness now -- tomorrow you may no longer feel guilty.
18211 The Gurus of Unix Meeting of Minds (GUMM) takes place Wednesday, April 1, 2076
18212 (check THAT in your perpetual calendar program), 14 feet above the ground
18213 directly in front of the Milpitas Gumps. Members will grep each other by the
18214 hand (after intro), yacc a lot, smoke filtered chroots in pipes, chown with
18215 forks, use the wc (unless uuclean), fseek nice zombie processes, strip, and
18216 sleep, but not, we hope, od. Three days will be devoted to discussion of the
18217 ramifications of whodo. Two seconds have been allotted for a complete rundown
18218 of all the user-friendly features of Unix. Seminars include "Everything You
18219 Know is Wrong", led by Tom Kempson, "Batman or Cat:man?" led by Richie Dennis
18220 "cc C? Si! Si!" led by Kerwin Bernighan, and "Document Unix, Are You
18221 Kidding?" led by Jan Yeats. No Reader Service No. is necessary because all
18222 GUGUs (Gurus of Unix Group of Users) already know everything we could tell
18224 -- Dr. Dobb's Journal, June 1984
18226 Get in touch with your feelings of hostility against the dying light.
18229 Getting into trouble is easy.
18230 -- D. Winkel and F. Prosser
18232 Getting kicked out of the American Bar Association is liked getting kicked
18233 out of the Book-of-the-Month Club.
18234 -- Melvin Belli on the occasion of his getting kicked out
18235 of the American Bar Association
18237 Getting the job done is no excuse for not following the rules.
18240 Following the rules will not get the job done.
18242 Getting there is only half as far as getting there and back.
18244 Gibson's Springtime Song (to the tune of "Deck the Halls"):
18246 'Tis the season to chase mousies (Fa la la la la, la la la la)
18247 Snatch them from their little housies (...)
18248 First we chase them 'round the field (...)
18249 Then we have them for a meal (...)
18251 Toss them here and catch them there (...)
18252 See them flying through the air (...)
18253 Watch them fly and hear them squeal (...)
18254 Falling mice have great appeal (...)
18256 See the hunter stretched before us (...)
18257 He's chased the mice in field and forest (...)
18258 Watch him clean his long white whiskers (...)
18259 Of the blood of little critters (...)
18261 Gilbert's Discovery:
18262 Any attempt to use the new super glues results in the two pieces
18263 sticking to your thumb and index finger rather than to each other.
18265 Gil-galad was an Elven-King
18266 of him the harpers sadly sing;
18267 the last whose realm was fair and free
18268 between the Mountains and the Sea.
18270 His sword was long, his lance was keen,
18271 his shining helm afar was seen;
18272 the countless stars of heaven's field
18273 were mirrored in his silver shield.
18275 But long ago he rode away,
18276 and where he dwelleth none can say;
18277 for into darkness fell his star
18278 in Mordor where the shadows are.
18282 Ginsberg's Theorem:
18284 2. You can't break even.
18285 3. You can't even quit the game.
18287 Freeman's Commentary on Ginsberg's theorem:
18289 Every major philosophy that attempts to make life seem
18290 meaningful is based on the negation of one part of Ginsberg's
18293 1. Capitalism is based on the assumption that you can win.
18294 2. Socialism is based on the assumption that you can break even.
18295 3. Mysticism is based on the assumption that you can quit the game.
18298 At the precise moment you take off your shoe in a shoe store, your
18299 big toe will pop out of your sock to see what's going on.
18301 GIVE: Support the helpless victims of computer error.
18303 Give a man a fish, and you feed him for a day.
18304 Teach a man to fish, and he'll invite himself over for dinner.
18307 Give a small boy a hammer and he will find
18308 that everything he encounters needs pounding.
18310 Give a woman an inch and she'll park a car in it.
18312 Give all orders verbally. Never write anything down
18313 that might go into a "Pearl Harbor File".
18315 Give him an evasive answer.
18317 Give me a fish and I will eat today.
18318 Teach me to fish and I will eat forever.
18320 Give me a Plumber's friend the size of the Pittsburgh
18321 dome, and a place to stand, and I will drain the world.
18323 Give me a sleeping pill and tell me your troubles.
18325 Give me chastity and continence, but not just now.
18328 Give me libertines or give me meth.
18330 Give me the avowed, the erect, the manly foe,
18331 Bold I can meet -- perhaps may turn his blow!
18332 But of all plagues, good Heaven, thy wrath can send,
18333 Save me, oh save me from the candid friend.
18336 Give me your students, your secretaries,
18337 Your huddled writers yearning to breathe free,
18338 The wretched refuse of your Selectric III's.
18339 Give these, the homeless, typist-tossed to me.
18340 I lift my disk beside the processor.
18341 -- Inscription on a Word Processor
18343 Give thought to your reputation.
18344 Consider changing your name and moving to a new town.
18348 Give your child mental blocks for Christmas.
18350 Give your very best today.
18351 Heaven knows it's little enough.
18353 Given a choice between grief and nothing, I'd choose grief.
18354 -- William Faulkner
18356 Given its constituency, the only thing I expect to be "open" about [the
18357 Open Software Foundation] is its mouth.
18360 Given my druthers, I'd druther not.
18362 Given sufficient time, what you put
18363 off doing today will get done by itself.
18365 Given the choice between accomplishing something and just lying around, I'd
18366 rather lie around. No contest.
18369 Giving money and power to governments is like giving whiskey and
18370 car keys to teenage boys.
18373 Giving up on assembly language was the apple in our Garden of Eden: Languages
18374 whose use squanders machine cycles are sinful. The LISP machine now permits
18375 LISP programmers to abandon bra and fig-leaf.
18376 -- Epigrams in Programming, ACM SIGPLAN Sept. 1982
18379 Petrified deposits of toothpaste found in sinks.
18380 -- "Sniglets", Rich Hall & Friends
18382 Glib's Fourth Law of Unreliability:
18383 Investment in reliability will increase until it exceeds the
18384 probable cost of errors, or until someone insists on getting
18385 some useful work done.
18387 Gloffing is a state of mine.
18389 Glogg (a traditional Scandinavian holiday drink):
18390 fifth of dry red wine
18392 1 and 1/2 inch piece of cinnamon
18396 1 cup blanched or flaked almonds
18397 a few pieces of dried orange peel
18399 1/2 lb. sugar cubes
18400 Heat up the wine and hard stuff (which may be substituted with wine
18401 for the faint of heart) in a big pot after adding all the other stuff EXCEPT
18402 the sugar cubes. Just when it reaches boiling, put the sugar in a wire
18403 strainer, moisten it in the hot brew, lift it out and ignite it with a match.
18404 Dip the sugar several times in the liquid until it is all dissolved. Serve
18405 hot in cups with a few raisins and almonds in each cup.
18406 N.B. Aquavit may be hard to find and expensive to boot. Use it only
18407 if you really have a deep-seated desire to be fussy, or if you are of Swedish
18410 Go ahead... make my day.
18413 Go ahead, make my day.
18416 Go away, I'm all right.
18417 -- H.G. Wells' last words.
18419 Go away! Stop bothering me with all your
18420 "compute this ... compute that"! I'm taking a VAX-NAP.
18424 Go climb a gravity well.
18426 Go directly to jail. Do not pass Go, do not collect $200.
18428 Go not to the elves for counsel, for they will say both yes and no.
18431 Go on writing plays, my boy. One of these days a London producer will go
18432 into his office and say to his secretary, "Is there a play from Shaw this
18433 morning?" and when she says "No," he will say, "Well, then we'll have to
18434 start on the rubbish." And that's your chance, my boy.
18435 -- G.B. Shaw to William Douglas Home
18437 Go out and tell a lie that will make the whole family proud of you.
18438 -- Cadmus, to Pentheus, in "The Bacchae" by Euripides
18440 Go slowly to the entertainments of thy friends,
18441 but quickly to their misfortunes.
18444 Go to a movie tonight.
18445 Darkness becomes you.
18447 Go to the Scriptures... the joyful promises it contains will be a balsam to
18451 The foundations of our society and our government rest so much on the
18452 teachings of the Bible that it would be difficult to support them if faith
18453 in these teachings would cease to be practically universal in our country.
18456 Lastly, our ancestors established their system of government on morality and
18457 religious sentiment. Moral habits, they believed, cannot safely be trusted
18458 on any other foundation than religious principle, nor any government be
18459 secure which is not supported by moral habits.
18462 Go 'way! You're bothering me!
18464 Goals... Plans... they're fantasies, they're part of a dream world...
18468 Darwin's chief rival.
18470 God created a few perfect heads.
18471 The rest he covered with hair.
18474 And boredom did indeed cease from that moment --
18475 but many other things ceased as well.
18476 Woman was God's second mistake.
18479 God did not create the world in 7 days; He screwed
18480 around for 6 days and then pulled an all-nighter.
18482 God gave man two ears and one tongue so
18483 that we listen twice as much as we speak.
18486 God gives burdens; also shoulders.
18488 Jimmy Carter cited this Jewish saying in his concession speech
18489 at the end of the 1980 election. At least he said it was a Jewish
18490 saying; I can't find it anywhere. I'm sure he's telling the truth
18491 though; why would he lie about a thing like that?
18494 God gives us relatives; thank goodness we can chose our friends.
18496 God grant us the serenity to accept the things we cannot change, courage to
18497 change the things we can, and wisdom to know the difference.
18499 God has intended the great to be great and the little to be little...
18500 The trade unions, under the European system, destroy liberty [...] I do
18501 not mean to say that a dollar a day is enough to support a workingman...
18502 not enough to support a man and five children if he insists on smoking
18503 and drinking beer. But the man who cannot live on bread and water is
18504 not fit to live! A family may live on good bread and water in the
18505 morning, water and bread at midday, and good bread and water at night!
18506 -- Rev. Henry Ward Beecher
18508 God help the troubadour who tries to be a star. The more
18509 that you try to find success, the more that you will fail.
18510 -- Phil Ochs, on the Second System Effect
18512 God help those who do not help themselves.
18515 God helps them that helps themselves.
18518 God, I ask for patience -- and I want it right now!
18520 God instructs the heart, not by ideas,
18521 but by pains and contradictions.
18524 God is a comic playing to an audience that's afraid to laugh.
18526 God is a polytheist.
18535 God is dead and I don't feel all too well either....
18538 God is love, but get it in writing.
18541 God is not dead. He is alive and well and working on a
18542 much less ambitious project.
18544 God is not dead! He's alive and autographing Bibles at Cody's!
18546 God is real, unless declared integer.
18548 God is really only another artist. He invented the giraffe, the
18549 elephant and the cat. He has no real style, He just goes on trying
18553 God is the tangential point between zero and infinity.
18556 God isn't dead. He just doesn't want to get involved.
18558 God isn't dead, he just couldn't find a parking place.
18560 God made everything out of nothing, but the nothingness shows through.
18563 God made machine language; all the rest is the work of man.
18565 God made the integers; all else is the work of Man.
18568 God made the world in six days, and was arrested on the seventh.
18570 God may be subtle, but he isn't plain mean.
18573 God must have loved calories, she made so many of them.
18575 God must love the common man; He made so many of them.
18577 God rest ye CS students now, The bearings on the drum are gone,
18578 Let nothing you dismay. The disk is wobbling, too.
18579 The VAX is down and won't be up, We've found a bug in Lisp, and Algol
18580 Until the first of May. Can't tell false from true.
18581 The program that was due this morn, And now we find that we can't get
18582 Won't be postponed, they say. At Berkeley's 4.2.
18585 We've just received a call from DEC, And now some cheery news for you,
18586 They'll send without delay The network's also dead,
18587 A monitor called RSuX We'll have to print your files on
18588 It takes nine hundred K. The line printer instead.
18589 The staff committed suicide, The turnaround time's nineteen weeks.
18590 We'll bury them today. And only cards are read.
18593 And now we'd like to say to you CHORUS: Oh, tidings of comfort and joy,
18594 Before we go away, Comfort and joy,
18595 We hope the news we've brought to you Oh, tidings of comfort and joy.
18596 Won't ruin your whole day.
18597 You've got another program due, tomorrow, by the way.
18599 -- to God Rest Ye Merry Gentlemen
18601 God runs electromagnetics by wave theory on Monday, Wednesday, and Friday,
18602 and the Devil runs them by quantum theory on Tuesday, Thursday, and Saturday.
18605 God said it, I believe it and that's all there is to it.
18607 God save us from a bad neighbor and a beginner on the fiddle.
18609 God shows his contempt for wealth by the kind of person he selects
18613 God votes Republican.
18615 God was satisfied with his own work, and that is fatal.
18619 By the time you get to the point where you can make ends meet,
18620 somebody moves the ends.
18622 Going the speed of light is bad for your age.
18624 Going to church does not make a person religious, nor does going to school
18625 make a person educated, any more than going to a garage makes a person a car.
18628 A soft malleable metal relatively scarce in distribution. It
18629 is mined deep in the earth by poor men who then give it to rich
18630 men who immediately bury it back in the earth in great prisons,
18631 although gold hasn't done anything to them.
18632 -- Mike Harding, "The Armchair Anarchist's Almanac"
18634 Goldenstern's Rules:
18635 1. Always hire a rich attorney.
18636 2. Never buy from a rich salesman.
18638 Goldfish... what stupid animals. Even Wayne Cody stops
18639 eating before he bursts.
18642 If the shoe fits, it's ugly.
18645 (1) A backscratcher will always find new itches.
18646 (2) Time accelerates.
18647 (3) The weather at home improves as soon as you go away.
18649 Gone With The Wind LITE(tm)
18650 -- by Margaret Mitchell
18652 A woman only likes men she can't have and the South gets trashed.
18654 Gift of the Magii LITE(tm)
18657 A husband and wife forget to register their gift preferences.
18659 The Old Man and the Sea LITE(tm)
18660 -- by Ernest Hemingway
18662 An old man goes fishing, but doesn't have much luck.
18664 Diary of a Young Girl LITE(tm)
18667 A young girl hides in an attic but is discovered.
18669 Good advice is one of those insults that ought to be forgiven.
18671 Good advice is something a man gives
18672 when he is too old to set a bad example.
18673 -- La Rouchefoucauld
18675 Good day for a change of scene. Repaper the bedroom wall.
18677 Good day for business affairs.
18678 Make a pass at that the new file clerk.
18680 Good day for overcoming obstacles. Try a steeplechase.
18682 Good day to avoid cops. Crawl to school.
18684 Good day to avoid cops. Crawl to work.
18686 Good day to deal with people in high places;
18687 particularly lonely stewardesses.
18689 Good day to let down old friends who need help.
18691 Good evening, gentlemen. I am a HAL 9000 computer. I became operational
18692 at the HAL plant in Urbana, Illinois, on January 11th, nineteen hundred
18693 ninety-five. My supervisor was Mr. Langley, and he taught me to sing a
18694 song. If you would like, I could sing it for you.
18696 Good, fast, and cheap. Choose any two.
18698 Good girls go to heaven, bad girls go everywhere.
18700 Good government never depends upon laws, but upon the personal qualities of
18701 those who govern. The machinery of government is always subordinate to the
18702 will of those who administer that machinery. The most important element of
18703 government, therefore, is the method of choosing leaders.
18704 -- Frank Herbert, "Children of Dune"
18706 "Good health" is merely the slowest rate at which one can die.
18708 Good judgement comes from experience.
18709 Experience comes from bad judgement.
18712 Good leaders being scarce, following yourself is allowed.
18714 Good morning. This is the telephone company. Due to repairs, we're
18715 giving you advance notice that your service will be cut off indefinitely
18716 at ten o'clock. That's two minutes from now.
18718 Good news. Ten weeks from Friday will be a pretty good day.
18720 Good news from afar can bring you a welcome visitor.
18722 Good news is just life's way of keeping you off balance.
18724 Good night, Austin, Texas, wherever you are!
18726 Good night, Mrs. Calabash, wherever you are.
18728 Good night to spend with family, but avoid arguments with your mate's
18731 Good salesmen and good repairmen will never go hungry.
18734 Good teaching is one-fourth preparation and three-fourths good theatre.
18737 Good-bye. I am leaving because I am bored.
18738 -- George Saunders' dying words
18740 Goodbye, cool world.
18742 Goose pimples rose all over me, my hair stood on end, my eyes filled with
18743 tears of love and gratitude for this greatest of all conquerors of human
18744 misery and shame, and my breath came in little gasps. If I had not known
18745 that the Leader would have scorned such adulation, I might have fallen to
18746 my knees in unashamed worship, but instead I drew myself to attention, raised
18747 my arm in the eternal salute of the ancient Roman Legions and repeated the
18748 holy words, "Heil Hitler!"
18749 -- George Lincoln Rockwell
18752 If you think you have the solution, the question was poorly phrased.
18755 Hearing something you like about someone you don't.
18758 //GO.SYSIN DD *, DOODAH, DOODAH
18760 Got a complaint about the Internal Revenue Service?
18761 Call the convenient toll-free "IRS Taxpayer Complaint Hot Line Number":
18765 Got a dictionary? I want to know the meaning of life.
18767 Got a wife and kids in Baltimore Jack,
18768 I went out for a ride and never came back.
18769 Like a river that don't know where it's flowing,
18770 I took a wrong turn and I just kept going.
18772 Everybody's got a hungry heart.
18773 Everybody's got a hungry heart.
18774 Lay down your money and you play your part,
18775 Everybody's got a hungry heart.
18777 I met her in a Kingstown bar,
18778 We fell in love, I knew it had to end.
18779 We took what we had and we ripped it apart,
18780 Now here I am down in Kingstown again.
18782 Everybody needs a place to rest,
18783 Everybody wants to have a home.
18784 Don't make no difference what nobody says,
18785 Ain't nobody likes to be alone.
18786 -- Bruce Springsteen, "Hungry Heart"
18789 Call Avogadro at 6.02 x 10^23.
18792 Anyone whom, when you fail to finish something strange or
18793 revolting, remarks that it's an acquired taste and that you're
18794 leaving the best part.
18796 Govern a great nation as you would cook a small fish. Don't overdo it.
18799 Government spending? I don't know what it's all about. I don't know any
18800 more about this thing than an economist does, and, God knows, he doesn't
18802 -- The Best of Will Rogers
18804 Government spending? I don't know what it's all about. I don't know
18805 any more about this thing than an economist does, and, God knows, he
18810 There is an exception to all laws.
18812 Governor Tarkin. I should have expected to find you holding Vader's
18813 leash. I thought I recognized your foul stench when I was brought on
18815 -- Princess Leia Organa
18818 2 is not equal to 3 -- not even for large values of 2.
18820 Graduate life -- it's not just a job, it's an indenture.
18822 Graduate students and most professors are
18823 no smarter than undergrads. They're just older.
18825 Grand Master Turing once dreamed that he was a machine. When he awoke
18827 "I don't know whether I am Turing dreaming that I am a machine,
18828 or a machine dreaming that I am Turing!"
18829 -- Geoffrey James, "The Tao of Programming"
18831 Grandpa Charnock's Law:
18832 You never really learn to swear until you learn to drive.
18834 [I thought it was when your kids learned to drive. Ed.]
18836 Graphics blind the eyes.
18837 Audio files deafen the ear.
18838 Mouse clicks numb the fingers.
18839 Heuristics weaken the mind.
18840 Options wither the heart.
18842 The Guru observes the net
18843 but trusts his inner vision.
18844 He allows things to come and go.
18845 His heart is as open as the ether.
18848 A creature that can leap to tremendous heights... once.
18850 Gratitude, like love, is never a dependable international emotion.
18854 What you get when you eat too much and too fast.
18856 Gravity brings me down.
18858 Gravity is a myth, the Earth sucks.
18860 Gray's Law of Programming:
18861 'n+1' trivial tasks are expected to be
18862 accomplished in the same time as 'n' tasks.
18864 Logg's Rebuttal to Gray's Law:
18865 'n+1' trivial tasks take twice as long as 'n' trivial tasks.
18867 Great acts are made up of small deeds.
18870 Great American Axiom:
18871 Some is good, more is better, too much is just right.
18873 GREAT MOMENTS IN AMERICAN HISTORY (#17):
18875 On November 13, Felix Unger was asked to remove himself from his
18876 place of residence.
18878 GREAT MOMENTS IN HISTORY (#7): April 2, 1751
18880 Issac Newton becomes discouraged when he falls up a flight of stairs.
18882 GREAT MOMENTS IN HISTORY (#7): November 23, 1915
18884 Pancake make-up is invented; most people continue to prefer syrup.
18886 Great spirits have always encountered violent opposition from mediocre minds.
18889 They laughed at Einstein. They laughed at the Wright Brothers. But they
18890 also laughed at Bozo the Clown.
18893 Greatness is a transitory experience. It is never consistent.
18895 Green light in A.M. for new projects.
18896 Red light in P.M. for traffic tickets.
18898 Green's Law of Debate:
18899 Anything is possible if you don't know what you're talking about.
18902 Eighty percent of all people consider
18903 themselves to be above average drivers.
18905 grep me no patterns and I'll tell you no lines.
18907 Grief can take care of itself; but to get the full
18908 value of a joy you must have somebody to divide it with.
18912 When you starve with a tiger, the tiger starves last.
18914 Grig (the navigator):
18915 ... so you see, it's just the two of us against the entire space
18919 Grig: I've always wanted to fight a desperate battle against
18921 Alex: It'll be a slaughter!
18922 Grig: That's the spirit!
18923 -- The Last Starfighter
18925 Grinnell's Law of Labor Laxity:
18926 At all times, for any task, you have not got enough done today.
18928 Groundhog Day has been observed only once in Los Angeles because when the
18929 groundhog came out of its hole, it was killed by a mudslide.
18932 Grover Cleveland, though constantly at loggerheads with the Senate, got on
18933 better with the House of Representatives. A popular story circulating
18934 during his presidency concerned the night he was roused by his wife crying,
18935 "Wake up! I think there are burglars in the house."
18936 "No, no, my dear," said the president sleepily, "in the Senate
18937 maybe, but not in the House."
18939 Growing old isn't bad when you consider the alternatives.
18940 -- Maurice Chevalier
18942 Grownups are reluctant to take science fiction seriously, and with good
18943 reason: sci-fi is a hormonal activity, not a literary one. Its traditional
18944 concerns are all pubescent. Secondary sexual characteristics are everywhere,
18945 disguised. Aliens have tentacles. Telepathy allows you to have sex without
18946 any nasty inconvenience of touching. Womblike spaceships provide balanced
18947 meals. No one ever has to grow old -- body parts are replaceable, like
18948 Job's daughters, and if you're lucky you can become a robot. As for the
18949 adult world, it's simply not there; political systems tend to be naively
18950 authoritarian (there are more lords in science fiction than on public
18951 television) and are often ruled by young boys on quests. The most popular
18952 sci-fi book in years, Frank Herbert's Dune, sold millions of copies by
18953 combining all these themes: it ends with its adolescent hero conquering the
18954 universe while straddling a giant worm.
18957 Grub first, then ethics.
18961 A French chopping center.
18964 The probability of a given event
18965 occurring is inversely proportional to its desirability.
18967 Guns don't kill people. Bullets kill people.
18969 Gunter's Airborne Discoveries:
18970 (1) When you are served a meal aboard an aircraft,
18971 the aircraft will encounter turbulence.
18972 (2) The strength of the turbulence
18973 is directly proportional to the temperature of your coffee.
18976 The red warning flag at the top of a club sandwich which prevents
18977 the person from biting into it and puncturing the roof of his mouth.
18978 -- "Sniglets", Rich Hall & Friends
18981 The red warning flag at the top of a club sandwich which
18982 prevents the person from biting into it and puncturing the roof
18984 -- Rich Hall, "Sniglets"
18987 A person in T-shirt and sandals who took an elevator ride with
18988 a senior vice-president and is ultimately responsible for the
18989 phone call you are about to receive from your boss.
18992 A computer owner who can read the manual.
18995 A wheel or disk mounted to spin rapidly about an axis and also
18996 free to rotate about one or both of two axes perpendicular to
18997 each other and the axis of spin so that a rotation of one of the
18998 two mutually perpendicular axes results from application of
18999 torque to the other when the wheel is spinning and so that the
19000 entire apparatus offers considerable opposition depending on
19001 the angular momentum to any torque that would change the direction
19002 of the axis of spin.
19003 -- Webster's Seventh New Collegiate Dictionary
19006 Originally, any person with a knack for coercing stubborn inanimate
19007 things; hence, a person with a happy knack, later contracted by the mythical
19008 philosopher Frisbee Frobenius to the common usage, 'hack'.
19009 In olden times, upon completion of some particularly atrocious body
19010 of coding that happened to work well, culpable programmers would gather in
19011 a small circle around a first edition of Knuth's Best Volume I by candlelight,
19012 and proceed to get very drunk while sporadically rending the following ditty:
19014 Hacker's Fight Song
19016 He's a Hack! He's a Hack!
19017 He's a guy with the happy knack!
19018 Never bungles, never shirks,
19019 Always gets his stuff to work!
19021 All take a drink (important!)
19023 Hackers are just a migratory lifeform with a tropism for computers.
19025 Hacker's Guide To Cooking:
19026 2 pkg. cream cheese (the mushy white stuff in silver wrappings that doesn't
19027 really come from Philadelphia after all; anyway, about 16 oz.)
19028 1 tsp. vanilla extract (which is more alcohol than vanilla and pretty
19029 strong so this part you *GOTTA* measure)
19030 1/4 cup sugar (but honey works fine too)
19031 8 oz. Cool Whip (the fluffy stuff devoid of nutritional value that you
19032 can squirt all over your friends and lick off...)
19033 "Blend all together until creamy with no lumps." This is where you get to
19034 join(1) all the raw data in a big buffer and then filter it through
19035 merge(1m) with the -thick option, I mean, it starts out ultra lumpy
19036 and icky looking and you have to work hard to mix it. Try an electric
19037 beater if you have a cat(1) that can climb wall(1s) to lick it off
19039 "Pour into a graham cracker crust..." Aha, the BUGS section at last. You
19040 just happened to have a GCC sitting around under /etc/food, right?
19041 If not, don't panic(8), merely crumble a rand(3m) handful of innocent
19042 GCs into a suitable tempfile and mix in some melted butter.
19043 "...and refrigerate for an hour." Leave the recipe's stdout in a fridge
19044 for 3.6E6 milliseconds while you work on cleaning up stderr, and
19045 by time out your cheesecake will be ready for stdin.
19048 The belief that enhanced understanding will necessarily stir
19049 a nation to action is one of mankind's oldest illusions.
19051 Hackers of the world, unite!
19053 Hacker's Quicky #313:
19054 Sour Cream -n- Onion Potato Chips
19058 Hacking's just another word for nothing left to kludge.
19060 "Had he and I but met
19061 By some old ancient inn, But ranged as infantry,
19062 We should have sat us down to wet And staring face to face,
19063 Right many a nipperkin! I shot at him as he at me,
19064 And killed him in his place.
19065 I shot him dead because --
19066 Because he was my foe, He thought he'd 'list, perhaps,
19067 Just so: my foe of course he was; Off-hand-like -- just as I --
19068 That's clear enough; although Was out of work -- had sold his traps
19069 No other reason why.
19070 Yes; quaint and curious war is!
19071 You shoot a fellow down
19072 You'd treat, if met where any bar is
19073 Or help to half-a-crown."
19076 Had I been present at the creation, I would have given some
19077 useful hints for the better ordering of the universe.
19078 -- Alfonso the Wise
19080 [Quoted in "VMS Internals and Data Structures", V4.4, when
19081 referring to operating system initialization.]
19083 Had this been an actual emergency, we would have
19084 fled in terror, and you would not have been informed.
19086 Hail to the sun god
19087 He's such a fun god
19090 Hailing frequencies open, Captain.
19092 Hain't we got all the fools in town on our side? And hain't that
19093 a big enough majority in any town?
19094 -- Mark Twain, "Huckleberry Finn"
19096 Hale Mail Rule, The:
19097 When you are ready to reply to a letter, you will lack at least
19098 one of the following:
19099 (a) A pen or pencil or typewriter.
19102 (d) The letter you are answering.
19104 Half a bee, philosophically, must ipso facto half not be.
19105 But half the bee has got to be, vis-a-vis its entity. See?
19106 But can a bee be said to be or not to be an entire bee,
19107 When half the bee is not a bee, due to some ancient injury?
19109 Half Moon tonight. (At least its better than no Moon at all.)
19111 Half of being smart is knowing what you're dumb at.
19113 Half the world is composed of people who have something to say and can't,
19114 and the other half who have nothing to say and keep on saying it.
19117 This is the best way to eat a kosher dill -- when it's still crunchy,
19118 light green, yet full of garlic flavor. The difference between this
19119 and the typical soggy dark green cucumber corpse is like the
19120 difference between life and death.
19122 You may find it difficult to find a good half-done kosher dill there
19123 in Seattle, so what you should do is take a cab out to the airport,
19124 fly to New York, take the JFK Express to Jay Street-Borough Hall,
19125 transfer to an uptown F, get off at East Broadway, walk north on
19126 Essex (along the park), make your first left onto Hester Street, walk
19127 about fifteen steps, turn ninety degrees left, and stop. Say to the
19128 man, "Let me have a nice half-done." Worth the trouble, wasn't it?
19131 Halley's Comet: It came, we saw, we drank.
19133 Hall's Laws of Politics:
19134 (1) The voters want fewer taxes and more spending.
19135 (2) Citizens want honest politicians until they want
19137 (3) Constituency drives out consistency (i.e., liberals defend
19138 military spending, and conservatives social spending in
19139 their own districts).
19142 A singular instrument worn at the end of a human
19143 arm and commonly thrust into somebody's pocket.
19146 You can't produce a baby in one month by impregnating 9 women!
19148 handshaking protocol, n:
19149 A process employed by hostile hardware devices to initiate a
19150 terse but civil dialogue, which, in turn, is characterized by
19151 occasional misunderstanding, sulking, and name-calling.
19153 Hanging on in quiet desperation is the English way.
19157 The wrath of grapes.
19160 Never attribute to malice
19161 that which is adequately explained by stupidity.
19163 Hanson's Treatment of Time:
19164 There are never enough hours in a day,
19165 but always too many days before Saturday.
19167 Happiness adds and multiplies as we divide it with others.
19170 An agreeable sensation arising
19171 from contemplating the misery of another.
19174 Finding the owner of a lost bikini.
19176 Happiness is a hard disk.
19178 Happiness is a positive cash flow.
19180 Happiness is good health and a bad memory.
19183 Happiness is having a scratch for every itch.
19186 Happiness is just an illusion, filled with sadness and confusion.
19188 Happiness is the greatest good.
19190 Happiness is twin floppies.
19192 Happiness isn't having what you want, it's wanting what you have.
19194 Happiness isn't something you experience; it's something you remember.
19197 Happiness makes up in height what it lacks in length.
19199 Happy feast of the pig!
19201 Happy is the child whose father died rich.
19204 The quality of your own data; also how it is to believe those
19207 Hard reality has a way of cramping your style.
19210 Hard work may not kill you, but why take the chance?
19212 Hard work never killed anybody, but why take a chance?
19213 -- Charlie McCarthy
19216 The parts of a computer system that can be kicked.
19218 Hardware met Software on the road to Changtse. Software said: "You are Yin
19219 and I am Yang. If we travel together we will become famous and earn vast
19220 sums of money." And so the set forth together, thinking to conquer the world.
19221 Presently they met Firmware, who was dressed in tattered rage and
19222 hobbled along propped on a thorny stick. Firmware said to them: "The Tao
19223 lies beyond Yin and Yang. It is silent and still as a pool of water. It does
19224 not seek fame, therefore nobody knows its presence. It does not seek fortune,
19225 for it is complete within itself. It exists beyond space and time."
19226 Software and Hardware, ashamed, returned to their homes.
19229 The parts of a computer system that can be kicked.
19231 Hark, Hark, the dogs do bark
19232 The Duke is fond of kittens
19233 He likes to take their insides out
19234 And use them for his mittens
19235 -- The Thirteen Clocks
19237 Hark, the Herald Tribune sings,
19238 Advertising wondrous things.
19240 Angels we have heard on High
19241 Tell us to go out and Buy.
19243 Harp not on that string.
19244 -- William Shakespeare, "Henry VI"
19246 Harriet's Dining Observation:
19247 In every restaurant, the hardness of the butter pats
19248 increases in direct proportion to the softness of the bread.
19250 Harris had the beefstead pie between his knees, and was carving it, and George
19251 and I were waiting with our plates ready.
19252 "Have you got a spoon there?" says Harris; "I want a spoon to help
19254 The hamper was close behind us, and George and I both turned round to
19255 reach one out. We were not five seconds getting it. When we looked round
19256 again, Harris and the pie were gone!
19257 It was a wide, open field. There was not a tree or a bit of hedge for
19258 hundreds of yards. He could not have tumbled into the river, because we were
19259 on the water side of him, and he would have had to climb over us to do it.
19260 George and I gazed all about. Then we gazed at each other.
19261 "Has he been snatched up to heaven?" I queried.
19262 "They'd hardly have taken the pie, too," said George.
19263 There seemed weight in this objection, and we discarded the heavenly
19265 "I suppose the truth of the matter is," suggested George, descending
19266 to the commonplace and practicable, "that there has been an earthquake."
19267 And then he added, with a touch of sadness in his voice: "I wish he
19268 hadn't been carving that pie."
19269 -- Jerome K. Jerome, "Three Men In A Boat"
19271 Harrisberger's Fourth Law of the Lab:
19272 Experience is directly proportional to the amount of
19275 Harrison's Postulate:
19276 For every action, there is an equal and opposite criticism.
19279 All the good ones are taken.
19281 Harry and Fred were playing their Sunday afternoon golf game. The game, as
19282 always, was close. They were at the treacherous 12th hole: a par three that
19283 required a perfect first shot over a large pond and onto a tiny green. There
19284 were sand traps on the other three sides of the green, and a small road 50
19285 feet beyond it. Harry went first. He carefully addressed the ball and hit
19286 a good shot that landed just on the edge of the green, narrowly avoiding the
19287 pond. Just as Fred addressed his ball, he looked up and noticed a funeral
19288 procession along the road just behind the green. Fred put down his club,
19289 took his hat off, and waited for the entire procession to pass. As soon as
19290 the cars were gone he put his hat back on and started addressing the ball
19291 again. Harry said, "Damn, Fred. That was a really nice thing you did,
19292 waiting for the funeral to pass like that."
19293 Fred finished his swing, making perfect contact with the ball. It
19294 was an excellent shot that landed 7 feet from the hole. "It's the least I
19295 could do," he said, smiling at his shot, "We were married for 22 years,
19298 Harry is heavily into camping, and every year in the late fall, he makes us
19299 all go to Assateague, which is an island on the Atlantic Ocean famous for
19300 its wild horses. I realize that the concept of wild horses probably stirs
19301 romantic notions in many of you, but this is because you have never met any
19302 wild horses in person. In person, they are like enormous hooved rats. They
19303 amble up to your camp site, and their attitude is: "We're wild horses.
19304 We're going to eat your food, knock down your tent and poop on your shoes.
19305 We're protected by federal law, just like Richard Nixon."
19308 Harry's bar has a new cocktail. It's called MRS punch. They make it with
19309 milk, rum and sugar and it's wonderful. The milk is for vitality and the
19310 sugar is for pep. They put in the rum so that people will know what to do
19311 with all that pep and vitality.
19313 Hartley's First Law:
19314 You can lead a horse to water, but if you can
19315 get him to float on his back, you've got something.
19317 Hartley's Second Law:
19318 Never sleep with anyone crazier than yourself.
19320 HARTLEY'S SECOND LAW:
19321 Never sleep with anyone crazier than yourself.
19324 The completely psychotic have all the fun.
19327 Under the most rigorously controlled conditions of pressure,
19328 temperature, volume, humidity, and other variables, the
19329 organism will do as it damn well pleases.
19333 Sophomore Dave Strewzinski... likes to pass. And pass he does, with
19334 a record 86 attempts (three completions) in 87 plays.... Though Strewzinski
19335 has so far failed to score any points for the Crimson, his jackrabbit speed
19336 has made him the least sacked quarterback in the Ivy league.
19338 The other directional signal in Harvard's offensive machine is senior
19339 Phil Yip, who is very fast. Yip is so fast that he has set a record for being
19340 fast. Expect to see Yip elude all pursuers and make it into the endzone five
19341 or six times, his average for a game. Yip, nicknamed "fumblefingers" and "you
19342 asshole" by his teammates, hopes to carry the ball with him at least one of
19346 On the defensive side, Yale boasts the stingiest line in the Ivies.
19347 Primarily responsible are seniors Izzy "Shylock" Bloomberg and Myron
19348 Finklestein, the tightest ends in recent Eli history. Also contributing to
19349 the powerful defense is junior tackle Angus MacWhirter, a Scotsman who rounds
19350 out the offensive ethnic joke. Look for these three to shut down the opening
19352 -- Harvard Lampoon 1988 Program Parody, distributed at The Game
19354 Has anyone ever tasted an "end"? Are they really bitter?
19356 "Has anyone had problems with the computer accounts?"
19357 "Yes; I don't have one."
19358 "Okay, you can send mail to one of the tutors..."
19359 -- E. D'Azevedo, CS, University of Washington
19361 Has anyone realized that the purpose of the fortune cookie program is to
19362 defuse project tensions? When did you ever see a cheerful cookie, a
19363 non-cynical, or even an informative cookie?
19364 Perhaps inadvertently, we have a channel for our aggressions. This
19365 still begs the question of whether the cookie releases the pressure or only
19366 serves to blunt the warning signs.
19368 Long live the revolution!
19371 Has everyone noticed that all the letters of the word "database" are typed
19372 with the left hand? Now the layout of the QWERTYUIOP typewriter keyboard
19373 was designed, among other things, to facilitate the even use of both hands.
19374 It follows, therefore, that writing about databases is not only unnatural,
19375 but a lot harder than it appears.
19377 Has the great art and mystery of politics no apparent utility? Does it
19378 appear to be unqualifiedly ratty, raffish, sordid, obscene and low down,
19379 and its salient virtuosi a gang of unmitigated scoundrels? Then let us
19380 not forget its high capacity to soothe and tickle the midriff, its
19381 incomparable services as a maker of entertainment.
19382 -- H.L. Mencken, "A Carnival of Buncombe"
19388 "Goodness! What lovely diamonds!"
19390 "Goodness had nothin' to do with it, dearie."
19391 -- "Night After Night", 1932
19393 Hate is like acid. It can damage the vessel in which it is
19394 stored as well as destroy the object on which it is poured.
19396 Hate the sin and love the sinner.
19399 Hating the Yankees is as American as pizza pie,
19400 unwed mothers and cheating on your income tax.
19404 A sentiment appropriate to the occasion of another's superiority.
19406 Have a coke and a smile!
19411 Have a nice diurnal anomaly.
19413 Have a place for everything and keep the thing
19414 somewhere else; this is not advice, it is merely custom.
19422 Have no friends not equal to yourself.
19425 Have the courage to take your own thoughts
19426 seriously, for they will shape you.
19429 Have you ever felt like a wounded cow
19430 halfway between an oven and a pasture?
19431 walking in a trance toward a pregnant
19432 seventeen-year-old housewife's
19433 two-day-old cookbook?
19434 -- Richard Brautigan
19436 Have you ever met a man of good character where women are concerned?
19438 Well, I haven't. I find that whenever a woman becomes friends with me,
19439 she becomes jealous, exacting, suspicious, and a damn nuisance; and
19440 whenever I become friends with a woman, I become selfish and tyrannical.
19441 So here I am, Pickering, a confirmed old bachelor and very likely to
19443 -- Henry Higgins, "My Fair Lady"
19445 Have you ever noticed that the people who are always trying
19446 to tell you `there's a time for work and a time for play'
19447 never find the time for play?
19449 Have you flogged your kid today?
19451 Have you locked your file cabinet?
19453 Have you noticed that all you need to grow healthy,
19454 vigorous grass is a crack in your sidewalk?
19456 Have you seen the latest Japanese camera? Apparently it is so fast it can
19457 photograph an American with his mouth shut!
19459 Have you seen the old man in the closed down market,
19460 Kicking up the papers in his worn out shoes?
19461 In his eyes you see no pride, hands hang loosely at his side
19462 Yesterdays papers, telling yesterdays news.
19464 How can you tell me you're lonely,
19465 And say for you the sun don't shine?
19466 Let me take you by the hand
19467 Lead you through the streets of London
19468 I'll show you something to make you change your mind...
19470 Have you seen the old man outside the sea-mans mission
19471 Memories fading like the metal ribbons that he wears.
19472 In our winter city the rain cries a little pity
19473 For one more forgotten hero and a world that doesn't care...
19475 Have you seen the well-to-do, up and down Park Avenue?
19476 On that famous thoroughfare, with their noses in the air,
19477 High hats and Arrow collars, white spats and lots of dollars,
19478 Spending every dime, for a wonderful time...
19479 If you're blue and you don't know where to go to,
19480 Why don't you go where fashion sits,
19482 Dressed up like a million dollar trooper,
19483 Trying hard to look like Gary Cooper, (super dooper)
19484 Come, let's mix where Rockefeller's walk with sticks,
19485 Or umberellas, in their mitts,
19486 Puttin' on the Ritz.
19488 If you're blue and you don't know where to go to,
19489 Why don't you go where fashion sits,
19490 Puttin' on the Ritz.
19491 Puttin' on the Ritz.
19492 Puttin' on the Ritz.
19493 Puttin' on the Ritz.
19495 Having a baby isn't so bad. If you're a female Emperor penguin
19496 in the Antarctic. She lays the egg, rolls it over to the father,
19497 then takes off for warmer weather where she eats and eats and
19498 eats. For two months, the father stands stiff, without food,
19499 blind in the 24-hour dark, balancing the egg on his feet. After
19500 the little penguin is hatched, the mother sees fit to come home.
19501 -- L.M. Boyd, "Austin American-Statesman"
19503 Having a wonderful wine, wish you were beer.
19505 Having children is like having a bowling alley installed in your brain.
19508 Having no talent is no longer enough.
19511 Having nothing, nothing can he lose.
19512 -- William Shakespeare, "Henry VI"
19514 Having the fewest wants, I am nearest to the gods.
19517 Having wandered helplessly into a blinding snowstorm Sam was greatly
19518 relieved to see a sturdy Saint Bernard dog bounding toward him with
19519 the traditional keg of brandy strapped to his collar.
19520 "At last," cried Sam, "man's best friend -- and a great big
19523 "Hawk, we're going to die."
19524 "Never say die... and certainly never say we."
19527 Hawkeye's Conclusion:
19528 It's not easy to play the clown
19529 when you've got to run the whole circus.
19531 He: Do you like Kipling?
19532 She: Oh, you naughty boy, I don't know! I've never kippled!
19534 He: "If I made love to you, would you yell?"
19535 She: "What do you want me to yell?"
19538 HE: Let's end it all, bequeathin' our brains to science.
19539 SHE: What?!? Science got enough trouble with their OWN brains.
19542 He asked me if I knew what time it was -- I said yes, but not right now.
19545 He didn't run for reelection. "Politics brings you into contact with all
19546 the people you'd give anything to avoid," he said. "I'm staying home."
19547 -- Garrison Keillor, "Lake Wobegone Days"
19549 He does it with a better grace, but I do it more natural.
19550 -- William Shakespeare, "Twelfth-Night"
19552 He draweth out the thread of his verbosity
19553 finer than the staple of his argument.
19554 -- William Shakespeare, "Love's Labour's Lost"
19556 He gave her a look that you could have poured on a waffle.
19558 He had occasional flashes of silence that made his conversation
19559 perfectly delightful.
19562 He had that rare weird electricity about him -- that extremely wild
19563 and heavy presence that you only see in a person who has abandoned
19564 all hope of ever behaving "normally."
19565 -- Hunter S. Thompson, "Fear and Loathing '72"
19567 He hadn't a single redeeming vice.
19570 He has been known by many names; the Prince of Lies, the Director, Lucifer,
19571 Belial, and once, at a party, some obnoxious drunk kept calling him "Dude".
19574 He has not acquired a fortune; the fortune has acquired him.
19577 He hath eaten me out of house and home.
19578 -- William Shakespeare, "Henry IV"
19580 He heard the snick of a rifle bolt and found himself peering down the muzzle
19581 of a weapon held by a drunken liquor store owner -- "There's a conflict," he
19582 said, "there's a conflict between land and people... the people have to go..."
19583 -- Stan Ridgeway, "Call of the West"
19585 He is a man capable of turning any colour into grey.
19588 He is considered a most graceful speaker
19589 who can say nothing in the most words.
19591 He is no lawyer who cannot take two sides.
19593 He is not only dull himself, he is the cause of dullness in others.
19596 He is now rising from affluence to poverty.
19599 He is the best of men who dislikes power.
19602 He is truly wise who gains wisdom from another's mishap.
19604 He jests at scars who never felt a wound.
19605 -- Shakespeare, "Romeo and Juliet, II. 2"
19607 He keeps differentiating, flying off on a tangent.
19609 He knew the tavernes well in every toun.
19610 -- Geoffrey Chaucer
19612 He knows not how to know who knows not also how to unknow.
19613 -- Sir Richard Burton
19615 He laughs at every joke three times... once when it's told,
19616 once when it's explained, and once when he understands it.
19618 He looked at me as if I were a side dish he hadn't ordered.
19621 He missed an invaluable opportunity to hold his tongue.
19624 He only knew his iron spine held up the sky -- he didn't realize his brain
19625 had fallen to the ground.
19626 -- The Book of Serenity
19628 (He opens a tolm and begins.)
19630 It says: "In the beginning was the Word."
19631 Already I am stopped. It seems absurd.
19632 The Word does not deserve the highest prize,
19633 I must translate it otherwise.
19634 If I am well inspired and not blind.
19635 It says: "In the beginning was the Mind."
19636 Ponder that first line, wait and see,
19637 Lest you should write too hastily.
19638 Is the Mind the all-creating source?
19639 It ought to say: "In the beginning there was Force."
19640 Yet something warns me as I grasp the pen,
19641 That my translation must be changed again.
19642 The spirit helps me. Now it is exact.
19643 I write: "In the beginning was the Act."
19646 [He] played the King as if afraid someone else might play the ace.
19647 -- Unattributed review of a performance of King Lear.
19649 My tears stuck in their little ducts, refusing to be jerked.
19650 -- Peter Stack, movie review
19652 His performance is so wooden you want to spray him with Liquid Pledge.
19653 -- John Stark, movie review
19655 He played the king as if afraid someone else would play the ace.
19656 -- John Mason Brown, drama critic
19658 He tells you when you've got on too much lipstick,
19659 And helps you with your girdle when your hips stick.
19660 -- O. Nash, on the perfect husband
19662 He that breaks a thing to find out what it is has left the path of wisdom.
19665 He that bringeth a present, findeth the door open.
19666 -- Scottish proverb.
19668 He that composes himself is wiser than he that composes a book.
19671 He that is giddy thinks the world turns round.
19672 -- William Shakespeare, "The Taming of the Shrew"
19674 He that teaches himself has a fool for a master.
19675 -- Benjamin Franklin
19677 He that would govern others, first should be the master of himself.
19679 He thinks by infection, catching an opinion like a cold.
19681 He thinks the Gettysburg Address is where Lincoln lived.
19682 -- Wanda, "A Fish Called Wanda"
19684 He thought he saw an albatross
19685 That fluttered 'round the lamp.
19686 He looked again and saw it was
19687 A penny postage stamp.
19688 "You'd best be getting home," he said,
19689 "The nights are rather damp."
19691 He thought of Musashi, the Sword Saint, standing in his garden more than
19692 three hundred years ago. "What is the 'Body of a rock'?" he was asked.
19693 In answer, Musashi summoned a pupil of his and bid him kill himself by
19694 slashing his abdomen with a knife. Just as the pupil was about to comply,
19695 the Master stayed his hand, saying, "That is the 'Body of a rock'."
19696 -- Eric Van Lustbader
19698 [He] took me into his library and showed me his books, of which he had
19702 He walks as if balancing the family tree on his nose.
19704 He was a cowboy, mister, and he loved the land. He loved it so much he
19705 made a woman out of dirt and married her. But when he kissed her, she
19706 disintegrated. Later, at the funeral, when the preacher said, "Dust to
19707 dust," some people laughed, and the cowboy shot them. At his hanging, he
19708 told the others, "I'll be waiting for you in heaven -- with a gun."
19711 He was part of my dream, of course --
19712 but then I was part of his dream too.
19715 He was so narrow-minded he could see through a keyhole with both eyes.
19717 He was the sort of person whose personality
19718 would be greatly improved by a terminal illness.
19720 He who always plows a straight furrow is in a rut.
19722 He who attacks the fundamentals of the American
19723 broadcasting industry attacks democracy itself.
19724 -- William S. Paley, chairman of CBS
19726 He who despairs over an event is a coward, but he who holds hopes for
19727 the human condition is a fool.
19730 He who despises himself nevertheless esteems himself as a self-despiser.
19731 -- Friedrich Nietzsche
19733 He who enters his wife's dressing room is a philosopher or a fool.
19734 -- Honore de Balzac
19736 He who fears the unknown may one day flee from his own backside.
19739 He who fights and runs away lives to fight another day.
19741 He who foresees calamities suffers them twice over.
19743 He who has a shady past knows that nice guys finish last.
19745 He who has but four and spends five has no need for a wallet.
19747 He who has imagination without learning has wings but no feet.
19749 He who has the courage to laugh is almost as much
19750 a master of the world as he who is ready to die.
19751 -- Giacomo Leopardi
19753 He who hates vices hates mankind.
19755 He who hesitates is a damned fool.
19758 He who hesitates is last.
19760 He who hesitates is sometimes saved.
19762 He who hoots with owls by night cannot soar with eagles by day.
19764 He who invents adages for others to peruse
19765 takes along rowboat when going on cruise.
19767 He who is content with his lot probably has a lot.
19769 He who is flogged by fate and laughs the louder is a masochist.
19771 He who is good for making excuses is seldom good for anything else.
19773 He who is in love with himself has at least this advantage -- he won't
19774 encounter many rivals.
19775 -- Georg Lichtenberg, "Aphorisms"
19777 He who is intoxicated with wine will be sober again in the course of the
19778 night, but he who is intoxicated by the cupbearer will not recover his
19779 senses until the day of judgement.
19782 He who is known as an early riser need not get up until noon.
19784 He who knows, does not speak. He who speaks, does not know.
19787 He who knows not and knows that he knows not is ignorant. Teach him.
19788 He who knows not and knows not that he knows not is a fool. Shun him.
19789 He who knows and knows not that he knows is asleep. Wake him.
19791 He who knows nothing, knows nothing.
19792 But he who knows he knows nothing knows something.
19793 And he who knows someone whose friend's wife's brother knows nothing,
19794 he knows something. Or something like that.
19796 He who knows others is wise.
19797 He who knows himself is enlightened.
19800 He who knows that enough is enough will always have enough.
19803 He who laughs has not yet heard the bad news.
19806 He who laughs last -- missed the punch line.
19808 He who laughs last didn't get the joke.
19810 He who laughs last hasn't been told the terrible truth.
19812 He who laughs last is probably your boss.
19814 He who laughs last probably doesn't understand the joke.
19816 He who laughs last usually had to have joke explained.
19818 He who laughs, lasts.
19820 He who lives without folly is less wise than he believes.
19822 He who loses, wins the race,
19823 And parallel lines meet in space.
19824 -- John Boyd, "Last Starship from Earth"
19826 He who makes a beast of himself gets rid of the pain of being a man.
19829 He who minds his own business is never unemployed.
19831 He who renders warfare fatal to all engaged in it will
19832 be the greatest benefactor the world has yet known.
19833 -- Sir Richard Burton
19835 He who slings mud generally loses ground.
19838 He who slings mud loses ground.
19841 He who spends a storm beneath a tree, takes life with a grain of TNT.
19843 He who steps on others to reach the top has good balance.
19845 He who walks on burning coals is sure to get burned.
19848 He who wonders discovers that this in itself is wonder.
19851 He who writes with no misspelled words has prevented a first suspicion
19852 on the limits of his scholarship or, in the social world, of his general
19853 education and culture.
19854 -- Julia Norton McCorkle
19856 HEAD CRASH!! FILES LOST!!
19859 Health is merely the slowest possible rate at which one can die.
19861 Health nuts are going to feel stupid someday,
19862 lying in hospitals dying of nothing.
19866 the absent minded sculptor who put his model to bed and
19867 started chiseling on his wife?
19870 the fellow who, upon being told by his shrewish wife that she
19871 would dance on his grave, promptly provided for a burial at sea?
19874 the female activist who went berserk during a demonstration and
19875 attacked a karate-trained cop with a deadly weapon. She ended
19876 up a chopped libber?
19879 the guru who refused Novacain while having a tooth pulled because
19880 he wanted to transcend dental medication?
19883 the pessimistic historian whose latest book has chapter headings
19884 that read "World War One","World War Two" and "Watch This
19888 the wild office Christmas party in a completely automated
19889 company -- the photocopier got drunk and tried to undo the
19890 typewriter's ribbon?
19892 Hear about the Californian terrorist that tried to blow up a bus?
19893 Burned his lips on the exhaust pipe.
19895 Hear me, my chiefs, I am tired; my heart is sick and sad.
19896 From where the sun now stands I Will Fight No More Forever.
19897 -- Chief Joseph of the Nez Perce
19899 Heard that the next Space Shuttle is supposed to carry several
19900 Guernsey cows? It's gonna be the herd shot 'round the world.
19902 Hearts will never be practical until they can be made unbreakable.
19903 -- The Wizard of Oz
19905 Heaven and earth were created all together in the same instant,
19906 on October 23rd, 4004 B.C. at nine o'clock in the morning.
19907 -- Dr. John Lightfoot,
19908 Vice-chancellor of Cambridge University
19911 A place where the wicked cease from troubling you with talk of
19912 their personal affairs, and the good listen with attention while
19913 you expound your own.
19915 Heavier than air flying machines are impossible.
19916 -- Lord Kelvin, President, Royal Society, c. 1895
19919 Seduced by the chocolate side of the force.
19921 Hedonist for hire... no job too easy!
19923 Heisenberg may have been here.
19925 Hell hath no fury like a bureaucrat scorned.
19928 Hell hath no limits, nor is circumscribed in one self place,
19929 for where we are is Hell, and where Hell is there must we ever be.
19930 -- Christopher Marlowe, "Doctor Faustus"
19932 Hell, if you don't try to remake someone,
19933 how are they supposed to know you care?
19935 Hell is empty and all the devils are here.
19936 -- Wm. Shakespeare, "The Tempest"
19939 Truth seen too late.
19942 The first myth of management is that it exists.
19945 The first myth of management is that it exists.
19947 Johnson's Corollary:
19948 Nobody really knows what is going on anywhere within the
19951 Hello. Jim Rockford's machine, this is Larry Doheny's machine. Will you
19952 please have your master call my master at his convenience? Thank you.
19953 Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you.
19955 Hello, friend! You say things aren't going too well? You say you have a
19956 date with your favorite girl when it starts raining so hard you can't see?
19957 And you're out on some back road when the car stalls and won't start, so
19958 you set off accross the fields, and 50 feet of barbed wire hits you right
19959 smack in the puss? And then there's a big explosion behind you and you
19960 don't hear your girl screaming any more?
19962 Well, take a walk in the sun and hold your head up high!
19963 You'll show the world; you'll tell them where to get off!
19964 You'll never give up, never give up, never give up -- that ship!
19967 -- Don Carpenter, quoting a Hollywood agent
19969 Hell's broken loose.
19972 Help! I'm trapped in a Chinese computer factory!
19974 Help! I'm trapped in a PDP 11/70!
19976 HELP! Man trapped in a human body!
19978 HELP! MY TYPEWRITER IS BROKEN!
19981 Help a swallow land at Capistrano.
19983 HELP!!!! I'm being held prisoner in /usr/games/lib!
19985 Help stamp out and abolish redundancy!
19987 Help stamp out Mickey-Mouse computer interfaces -- Menus are for Restaurants!
19989 Hempstone's Question:
19990 If you have to travel on the Titanic, why not go first class?
19992 Her days were spent in a kind of slow bustle; always busy without
19993 getting on, always behind hand and lamenting it, without altering
19994 her ways; wishing to be an economist, without contrivance or
19995 regularity; dissatisfied with her servants, without skill to make
19996 them better, and whether helping, or reprimanding, or indulging
19997 them, without any power of engaging their respect.
20000 Her locks an ancient lady gave
20001 Her loving husband's life to save;
20002 And men -- they honored so the dame --
20003 Upon some stars bestowed her name.
20005 But to our modern married fair,
20006 Who'd give their lords to save their hair,
20007 No stellar recognition's given.
20008 There are not stars enough in heaven.
20010 Here about the young Chinese woman who just won the lottery?
20011 One fortunate cookie...
20013 Here at the Phone Company, we serve all kinds of people;
20014 from President's and Kings to the scum of the earth...
20016 Here comes the orator, with his flood of words and his drop of reason.
20018 Here I am again right where I know I shouldn't be
20019 I've been caught inside this trap too many times
20020 I must've walked these steps and said these words a
20021 thousand times before
20022 It seems like I know everybody's lines.
20023 -- David Bromberg, "How Late'll You Play 'Til?"
20025 Here I am, fifty-eight, and I still don't know what I want to be when
20029 Here I sit, broken-hearted,
20030 All logged in, but work unstarted.
20031 First net.this and net.that,
20032 And a hot buttered bun for net.fat.
20034 The boss comes by, and I play the game,
20035 Then I turn back to net.flame.
20036 Is there a cure (I need your views),
20037 For someone trapped in net.news?
20039 I need your help, I say 'tween sobs,
20040 'Cause I'll soon be listed in net.jobs.
20042 Here in my heart, I am Helen;
20043 I'm Aspasia and Hero, at least.
20044 I'm Judith, and Jael, and Madame de Stael;
20045 I'm Salome, moon of the East.
20047 Here in my soul I am Sappho;
20048 Lady Hamilton am I, as well.
20049 In me Recamier vies with Kitty O'Shea,
20050 With Dido, and Eve, and poor Nell.
20052 I'm all of the glamorous ladies
20053 At whose beckoning history shook.
20054 But you are a man, and see only my pan,
20055 So I stay at home with a book.
20058 Here is a simple experiment that will teach you an important electrical
20059 lesson: On a cool, dry day, scuff your feet along a carpet, then reach your
20060 hand into a friend's mouth and touch one of his dental fillings. Did you
20061 notice how your friend twitched violently and cried out in pain? This
20062 teaches us that electricity can be a very powerful force, but we must never
20063 use it to hurt others unless we need to learn an important electrical lesson.
20064 It also teaches us how an electrical circuit works. When you scuffed
20065 your feet, you picked up batches of "electrons", which are very small objects
20066 that carpet manufacturers weave into carpets so they will attract dirt.
20067 The electrons travel through your bloodstream and collect in your finger,
20068 where they form a spark that leaps to your friend's filling, then travels
20069 down to his feet and back into the carpet, thus completing the circuit.
20072 Here is a test to find whether your mission on earth is finished:
20073 if you're alive, it isn't.
20075 Here is the fact of the week, maybe even the fact of the month. According
20076 to probably reliable sources, the Coca-Cola people are experiencing severe
20077 marketing anxiety in China.
20079 The words "Coca-Cola" translate into Chinese as either (depending on the
20080 inflection) "wax-fattened mare" or "bite the wax tadpole".
20082 Bite the wax tadpole. There is a sort of rough justice, is there not?
20084 The trouble with this fact, as lovely as it is, is that it's hard to get
20085 a whole column out of it. I'd like to teach the world to bite a wax
20086 tadpole. Coke -- it's the real wax-fattened mare. Not bad, but broad
20087 satiric vistas do not open up.
20088 -- John Carrol, San Francisco Chronicle
20090 HERE LIES LESTER MOORE
20091 SHOT 4 TIMES WITH A .44
20094 -- tombstone, in Tombstone, AZ
20096 Here lies my wife: her let her lie!
20097 Now she's at rest, and so am I.
20098 -- John Dryden, epitaph intended for his wife
20100 Here there by tygers.
20102 HERE'S A GOOD JOKE to do during an earthquake. Straddle a big crack in
20103 the earth and if it opens wider, go, "Whoa! Whoa!" and flap your arms
20104 around as if you're going to fall.
20105 -- Jack Handley, The New Mexican, 1988.
20107 Here's something to think about: How come you never see a headline like
20108 `Psychic Wins Lottery.'
20111 Here's the holiday schedule for Monday's observation of Martin Luther
20112 King Jr.'s birthday, when the following will be closed:
20114 * Governmental offices
20119 * Parts of Palm Beach
20121 and the mind of Senator Jesse Helms of North Carolina.
20122 -- Dennis Miller, "Saturday Night Live"
20125 He who turns the other cheek too far gets it in the neck.
20127 He's been like a father to me,
20128 He's the only DJ you can get after three,
20129 I'm an all-night musician in a rock and roll band,
20130 And why he don't like me I don't understand.
20135 He's got the heart of a little child,
20136 and he keeps it in a jar on his desk.
20138 He's just a politician trying to save both his faces...
20140 He's just like Capistrano, always ready for a few swallows.
20142 He's like a function -- he returns a value, in the form of
20143 his opinion. It's up to you to cast it into a void or not.
20146 He's the kind of guy, that, well, if you were ever in a jam he'd
20147 be there... with two slices of bread and some chunky peanut butter.
20149 Heuristics are bug ridden by definition.
20150 If they didn't have bugs, then they'd be algorithms.
20152 Hewett's Observation:
20153 The rudeness of a bureaucrat is inversely proportional to his or
20154 her position in the governmental hierarchy and to the number of
20155 peers similarly engaged.
20157 Hey, diddle, diddle the overflow pdl
20158 To get a little more stack;
20159 If that's not enough then you lose it all
20160 And have to pop all the way back.
20162 Hey, Jim, it's me, Susie Lillis from the laundromat. You said you were
20163 gonna call and it's been two weeks. What's wrong, you lose my number?
20165 HEY KIDS! ANN LANDERS SAYS:
20166 Be sure it's true, when you say "I love you". It's a sin to
20167 tell a lie. Millions of hearts have been broken, just because
20168 these words were spoken.
20170 "Hey, Sam, how about a loan?"
20173 "Whattaya got for collateral?"
20175 "How about an eye?"
20178 Hey, what do you expect from a culture that
20179 *drives* on *parkways* and *parks* on *driveways*?
20182 Hi! I'm Larry. This is my brother Bob, and this is my other brother
20183 Jimbo. We thought you might like to know the names of your assailants.
20185 Hi! You have reached 962-0129. None of us are here to answer the phone and
20186 the cat doesn't have opposing thumbs, so his messages are illegible. Please
20187 leave your name and message after the beep...
20189 Hi! How are things going?
20190 (just fine, thank you...)
20191 Great! Say, could I bother you for a question?
20192 (you just asked one...)
20193 Well, how about one more?
20194 (one more than the first one?)
20196 (you already asked that...)
20197 [at this point, Alphonso gets smart... ]
20198 May I ask two questions, sir?
20200 May I ask ONE then?
20202 Then may I ask, sir, how I may ask you a question?
20204 Sir, how may I ask you a question?
20205 (you must ask for retroactive question asking privileges for
20206 the number of questions you have asked, then ask for that
20207 number plus two, one for the current question, and one for the
20209 Sir, may I ask nine questions?
20210 (go right ahead...)
20212 Hi, I'm Preston A. Mantis, president of Consumers Retail Law Outlet. As
20213 you can see by my suit and the fact that I have all these books of equal
20214 height on the shelves behind me, I am a trained legal attorney. Do you have
20215 a car or a job? Do you ever walk around? If so, you probably have the
20216 makings of an excellent legal case. Although of course every case is
20217 different, I would definitely say that based on my experience and training,
20218 there's no reason why you shouldn't come out of this thing with at least a
20221 Remember, at the Preston A. Mantis Consumers Retail Law Outlet, our
20222 motto is: 'It is very difficult to disprove certain kinds of pain.'
20225 Hi Jimbo. Dennis. Really appreciate the help on the income tax.
20226 You wanna help on the audit now?
20228 Hi there! This is just a note from me, to you, to tell you, the person
20229 reading this note, that I can't think up any more famous quotes, jokes,
20230 nor bizarre stories, so you may as well go home.
20232 Hickery Dickery Dock,
20233 The mice ran up the clock,
20234 The clock struck one,
20235 The others escaped with minor injuries.
20237 Hideously disfigured by an ancient Indian curse?
20241 Call (511) 338-0959 for an immediate appointment.
20243 Hier liegt ein Mann ganz ohnegleich;
20244 Im Leibe dick, an Suenden reich.
20245 Wir haben ihn ins Grab gesteckt, Here lies a man with sundry flaws
20246 Weil es uns dunkt er sei verreckt. And numerous Sins upon his head;
20247 We buried him today because
20248 As far as we can tell, he's dead.
20250 -- PDQ Bach's epitaph, as requested by his cousin Betty
20251 Sue Bach and written by the local doggeral catcher;
20252 "The Definitive Biography of PDQ Bach", Peter Schickele
20256 Ruffled the critics by
20257 Dropping this bomb:
20258 "Phooey on Freud and his
20260 Oedipus, Shmoedipus,
20263 Higgins: Doolittle, you're either an honest man or a rogue.
20264 Doolittle: A little of both, Guv'nor. Like the rest of us, a
20266 -- Shaw, "Pygmalion"
20268 High heels are a device invented by a woman
20269 who was tired of being kissed on the forehead.
20271 High Priest: Armaments Chapter One, verses nine through twenty-seven:
20272 Bro. Maynard: And Saint Attila raised the Holy Hand Grenade up on high
20273 saying, "Oh Lord, Bless us this Holy Hand Grenade, and with it
20274 smash our enemies to tiny bits." And the Lord did grin, and the
20275 people did feast upon the lambs, and stoats, and orangutans, and
20276 breakfast cereals, and lima bean-
20277 High Priest: Skip a bit, brother.
20278 Bro. Maynard: And then the Lord spake, saying: "First, shalt thou take
20279 out the holy pin. Then shalt thou count to three. No more, no less.
20280 *Three* shall be the number of the counting, and the number of the
20281 counting shall be three. *Four* shalt thou not count, and neither
20282 count thou two, excepting that thou then goest on to three. Five is
20283 RIGHT OUT. Once the number three, being the third number be reached,
20284 then lobbest thou thy Holy Hand Grenade towards thy foe, who, being
20285 naughty in my sight, shall snuff it. Amen.
20287 -- Monty Python, "The Holy Hand Grenade"
20290 A California innovation composed
20291 of equal parts of silicon and marijuana.
20293 Higher education helps your earning capacity. Ask any college professor.
20295 Hildebrant's Principle:
20296 If you don't know where you are going,
20297 any road will get you there.
20299 Him: "Your skin is so soft. Are you a model?"
20300 Her: "No," [blush] "I'm a cosmetologist."
20301 Him: "Really? That's incredible...
20302 It must be very tough to handle weightlessness."
20305 Hindsight is always 20:20.
20308 Hindsight is an exact science.
20311 An animal (now extinct) which was half horse and half griffin.
20312 The griffin was itself a compound creature, half lion and half
20313 eagle. The hippogriff was actually, therefore, only one quarter
20314 eagle, which is two dollars and fifty cents in gold.
20315 The study of zoology is full of surprises.
20317 Hire the morally handicapped.
20319 His designs were strictly honourable, as the phrase is: that is, to rob
20320 a lady of her fortune by way of marriage.
20321 -- Henry Fielding, "Tom Jones"
20323 ...his disciples lead him in; he just does the rest.
20326 "His eyes were cold. As cold as the bitter winter snow that was falling
20327 outside. Yes, cold and therefore difficult to chew..."
20329 His followers called him Mahasamatman and said he was a god. He preferred
20330 to drop the Maha- and the -atman, however, and called himself Sam. He never
20331 claimed to be a god. But then, he never claimed not to be a god. Circum-
20332 stances being what they were, neither admission could be of any benefit.
20333 Silence, though, could. It was in the days of the rains that their prayers
20334 went up, not from the fingering of knotted prayer cords or the spinning of
20335 prayer wheels, but from the great pray-machine in the monastery of Ratri,
20336 goddess of the Night. The high-frequency prayers were directed upward through
20337 the atmosphere and out beyond it, passing into that golden cloud called the
20338 Bridge of the Gods, which circles the entire world, is seen as a bronze
20339 rainbow at night and is the place where the red sun becomes orange at midday.
20340 Some of the monks doubted the orthodoxy of this prayer technique...
20341 -- Roger Zelazny, "Lord of Light"
20343 His heart was yours from the first moment that you met.
20345 His ideas of first-aid stopped short of squirting soda water.
20348 His life was formal; his actions seemed ruled with a ruler.
20350 His mind is like a steel trap: full of mice.
20353 His super power is to turn into a scotch terrier.
20355 Historians have now definitely established that Juan Cabrillo, discoverer
20356 of California, was not looking for Kansas, thus setting a precedent that
20357 continues to this day.
20360 History books which contain no lies are extremely dull.
20362 History has much to say on following the proper procedures. From a history
20363 of the Mexican revolution:
20365 "Hildago was later defeated at Guadalajara. The rebel army was
20366 captured on its way through the mountains. All were courtmartialed and
20367 shot, except Hildago, because he was a priest. He was handed over to
20368 the bishop of Durango who excommunicated him and returned him to the
20369 army where he was then executed."
20371 History has the relation to truth that theology has to religion --
20372 i.e. none to speak of.
20375 History is curious stuff
20376 You'd think by now we had enough
20377 Yet the fact remains I fear
20378 They make more of it every year.
20380 History is nothing but a collection of fables and useless trifles,
20381 cluttered up with a mass of unnecessary figures and proper names.
20384 History is on our side (as long as we can control the historians).
20386 History is the version of past events that people have decided to agree on.
20387 -- Napoleon Bonaparte, "Maxims"
20389 History repeats itself. That's one thing wrong with history.
20391 History repeats itself -- the first time as a tragi-comedy, the second
20392 time as bedroom farce.
20394 History repeats itself only if one does not listen the first time.
20396 History shows that the human mind, fed by constant accessions of knowledge,
20397 periodically grows too large for its theoretical coverings, and bursts them
20398 asunder to appear in new habiliments, as the feeding and growing grub, at
20399 intervals, casts its too narrow skin and assumes another... Truly the imago
20400 state of Man seems to be terribly distant, but every moult is a step gained.
20401 -- Charles Darwin, from "Origin of the Species"
20403 Hit them biscuits with another touch of gravy,
20404 Burn that sausage just a match or two more done.
20405 Pour my black old coffee longer,
20406 While that smell is gettin' stronger
20407 A semi-meal ain't nuthin' much to want.
20409 Loan me ten, I got a feelin' it'll save me,
20410 With an ornery soul who don't shoot pool for fun,
20411 If that coat'll fit you're wearin',
20412 The Lord'll bless your sharin'
20413 A semi-friend ain't nuthin' much to want.
20415 And let me halfway fall in love,
20416 For part of a lonely night,
20417 With a semi-pretty woman in my arms.
20418 Yes, I could halfway fall in deep--
20419 Into a snugglin', lovin' heap,
20420 With a semi-pretty woman in my arms.
20423 Hitchcock's Staple Principle:
20424 The stapler runs out of staples
20425 only while you are trying to staple something.
20427 H.L. Mencken suffers from the hallucination that he is H.L. Mencken.
20428 There is no cure for a disease of that magnitude.
20429 -- Maxwell Bodenhein
20431 H.L. Mencken suffers from the hallucination that he is H.L.
20432 Mencken -- there is no cure for a disease of that magnitude.
20433 -- Maxwell Bodenheim
20435 H.L. Mencken's Law:
20436 Those who can -- do.
20437 Those who can't -- teach.
20439 Martin's Extension:
20440 Those who cannot teach -- administrate.
20442 [No, those who can't teach, teach here. Ed.]
20445 If you have a difficult task, give it to a lazy person --
20446 they will find an easier way to do it.
20448 Hoaars-Faisse Gallery presents:
20449 An exhibit of works by the artist known only as Pretzel.
20451 The exhibit includes several large conceptual works using non-traditional
20452 media and found objects including old sofa-beds, used mace canisters,
20453 discarded sanitary napkins and parts of freeways. The artist explores
20454 our dehumanization due to high technology and unresponsive governmental
20455 structures in a post-industrial world. She/he (the artist prefers to
20456 remain without gender) strives to create dialogue between viewer and
20457 creator, to aid us in our quest to experience contemporary life with its
20458 inner-city tensions, homelessness, global warming and gender and
20459 class-based stress. The works are arranged to lead us to the essence of
20460 the argument: that the alienation of the person/machine boundary has
20461 sapped the strength of our voices and must be destroyed for society to
20462 exist in a more fundamental sense.
20464 Hoare's Law of Large Problems:
20465 Inside every large problem is a small
20466 problem struggling to get out.
20468 Hodie natus est radici frater.
20470 Hoffer's Discovery:
20471 The grand act of a dying institution is to issue a newly
20472 revised, enlarged edition of the policies and procedures manual.
20475 It always takes longer than you expect, even when you take
20476 Hofstadter's Law into account.
20478 HOGAN'S HEROES DRINKING GAME --
20479 Take a shot every time:
20481 -- Sergeant Schultz says, "I knoooooowww nooooothing!"
20482 -- General Burkhalter or Major Hochstetter intimidate/insult Colonel Klink.
20483 -- Colonel Klink falls for Colonel Hogan's flattery.
20484 -- One of the prisoners sneaks out of camp (one shot for each prisoner to go).
20485 -- Colonel Klink snaps to attention after answering the phone (two shots
20486 if it's one of our heroes on the other end).
20487 -- One of the Germans is threatened with being sent to the Russian front.
20488 -- Corporal Newkirk calls up a German in his phoney German accent, and
20489 tricks him (two shots if it's Colonel Klink).
20490 -- Hogan has a romantic interlude with a beautiful girl from the underground.
20491 -- Colonel Klink relates how he's never had an escape from Stalag 13.
20492 -- Sergeant Schultz gives up a secret (two shots if he's bribed with food).
20493 -- The prisoners listen to the Germans' conversation by a hidden transmitter.
20494 -- Sergeant Schultz "captures" one of the prisoners after an escape.
20495 -- Lebeau pronounces "colonel" as "cuh-loh-`nell".
20496 -- Carter builds some kind of device (two shots if it's not explosive).
20497 -- Lebeau wears his apron.
20498 -- Hogan says "We've got no choice" when the someone claims that the
20499 plan is impossible.
20500 -- The prisoners capture an important German, and sneak him out the tunnel.
20503 What thou doest when thy phone is on the fritzeth.
20505 Holy Dilemma! Is this the end for the Caped Crusader and the Boy Wonder?
20506 Will the Joker and the Riddler have the last laugh?
20508 Tune in again tomorrow:
20509 same Bat-time, same Bat-channel!
20513 Home is the place where, when you have to go there,
20514 they have to take you in.
20515 -- Robert Frost, "The Death of the Hired Man"
20517 Home is where the hurt is.
20519 Home life as we understand it is no more natural to us than a
20520 cage is to a cockatoo.
20521 -- George Bernard Shaw
20523 Home on the Range was originally written in beef-flat.
20525 "Home, Sweet Home" must surely have been written by a bachelor.
20528 Honesty is for the most part less profitable than dishonesty.
20531 Honesty pays, but it doesn't seem to pay enough to suit some people.
20534 Honesty's the best policy.
20535 -- Miguel de Cervantes
20538 A short period of doting between dating and debting.
20541 Honi soit la vache qui rit.
20543 Honk if you love peace and quiet.
20546 Afflicted with an impediment in one's reach. In legislative
20547 bodies, it is customary to mention all members as honorable;
20548 as, "the honorable gentleman is a scurvy cur."
20550 Hope is a good breakfast, but it is a bad supper.
20553 Hope is a waking dream.
20556 Hope not, lest ye be disappointed.
20559 Hope that the day after you die is a nice day.
20561 Hoping to goodness is not theologically sound.
20564 Horace's best ode would not please a young woman as much
20565 as the mediocre verses of the young man she is in love with.
20568 Horner's Five Thumb Postulate:
20569 Experience varies directly with equipment ruined.
20571 Horngren's Observation:
20572 Among economists, the real world is often a special case.
20574 Hors d'oeuvres -- a ham sandwich cut into forty pieces.
20577 Horse sense is the thing a horse has which keeps it from betting on people.
20580 HOST SYSTEM NOT RESPONDING, PROBABLY DOWN. DO YOU WANT TO WAIT? (Y/N)
20582 HOST SYSTEM RESPONDING, PROBABLY UP...
20584 Hotels are tired of getting ripped off. I checked into a hotel and they
20585 had towels from my house.
20588 Houdini escaping from New Jersey!
20591 If you are out of cream for your coffee,
20592 mayonnaise makes a dandy substitute.
20594 Housework can kill you if done right.
20597 Houston, Tranquillity Base here. The Eagle has landed.
20600 How apt the poor are to be proud.
20601 -- William Shakespeare, "Twelfth-Night"
20603 How can you be in two places at once
20604 when you're not anywhere at all?
20606 How can you do 'New Math' problems with an 'Old Math' mind?
20609 How can you govern a nation which has 246 kinds of cheese?
20610 -- Charles de Gaulle
20612 How can you have any pudding if you don't eat your meat?
20615 How can you prove whether at this moment we are sleeping, and all our
20616 thoughts are a dream; or whether we are awake, and talking to one another
20617 in the waking state?
20620 How can you think and hit at the same time?
20623 How can you work when the system's so crowded?
20625 How come everyone's going so slow if it's called rush hour?
20627 How come financial advisors never seem to be as wealthy as they
20628 claim they'll make you?
20630 How come we never talk anymore?
20632 How come wrong numbers are never busy?
20634 How comes it to pass, then, that we appear such cowards
20635 in reasoning, and are so afraid to stand the test of ridicule?
20638 How could they think women a recreation?
20639 Or the repetition of bodies of steady interest?
20640 Only the ignorant or the busy could. That elm
20641 of flesh must prove a luxury of primes;
20642 be perilous and dear with rain of an alternate earth.
20643 Which is not to damn the forested China of touching.
20644 I am neither priestly nor tired, and the great knowledge
20645 of breasts with their loud nipples congregates in me.
20646 The sudden nakedness, the small ribs, the mouth.
20647 Splendid. Splendid. Splendid. Like Rome. Like loins.
20648 A glamour sufficient to our long marvelous dying.
20649 I say sufficient and speak with earned privilege,
20650 for my life has been eaten in that foliate city.
20651 To ambergris. But not for recreation.
20652 I would not have lost so much for recreation.
20654 Nor for love as the sweet pretend: the children's game
20655 of deliberate ignorance of each to allow the dreaming.
20656 Not for the impersonal belly nor the heart's drunkenness
20657 have I come this far, stubborn, disasterous way.
20658 But for relish of those archipelagoes of person.
20659 To hold her in hand, closed as any sparrow,
20660 and call and call forever till she turn from bird
20661 to blowing woods. From woods to jungle. Persimmon.
20662 To light. From light to princess. From princess to woman
20663 in all her fresh particularity of difference.
20664 Then oh, through the underwater time of night
20665 indecent and still, to speak to her without habit.
20666 This I have done with my life, and am content.
20667 I wish I could tell you how it is in that dark,
20668 standing in the huge singing and the alien world.
20669 -- Jack Gilbert, "Don Giovanni on his way to Hell"
20671 How do you explain school to a higher intelligence?
20674 "How do you know she is a unicorn?" Molly demanded. "And why were you afraid
20675 to let her touch you? I saw you. You were afraid of her."
20676 "I doubt that I will feel like talking for very long," the cat
20677 replied without rancor. "I would not waste time in foolishness if I were
20678 you. As to your first question, no cat out of its first fur can ever be
20679 deceived by appearances. Unlike human beings, who enjoy them. As for your
20680 second question --" Here he faltered, and suddenly became very interested
20681 in washing; nor would he speak until he had licked himself fluffy and then
20682 licked himself smooth again. Even then he would not look at Molly, but
20683 examined his claws.
20684 "If she had touched me," he said very softly, "I would have been
20685 hers and not my own, not ever again."
20686 -- Peter S. Beagle, "The Last Unicorn"
20688 How doth the little crocodile
20689 Improve his shining tail,
20690 And pour the waters of the Nile
20691 On every golden scale!
20693 How cheerfully he seems to grin,
20694 How neatly spreads his claws,
20695 And welcomes little fishes in,
20696 With gently smiling jaws!
20698 How doth the VAX's C-compiler
20699 Improve its object code.
20700 And even as we speak does it
20701 Increase the system load.
20703 How patiently it seems to run
20704 And spit out error flags,
20705 While users, with frustration, all
20706 Tear their clothes to rags.
20708 How is the world ruled, and how do wars start? Diplomats tell lies to
20709 journalists, and they believe what they read.
20710 -- Karl Kraus, "Aphorisms and More Aphorisms"
20712 How kind of you to be willing to live someone's life for them.
20714 How long a minute is depends on which side of the bathroom door you're on.
20716 How many "coming men" has one known! Where on earth do they all go to?
20717 -- Sir Arthur Wing Pinero
20719 How many hors d'oeuvres you are allowed to take off a tray being carried by
20720 a waiter at a nice party?
20721 Two, but there are ways around it, depending on the style of the hors
20722 d'oeuvre. If they're those little pastry things where you can't tell what's
20723 inside, you take one, bite off about two-thirds of it, then say: "This is
20724 cheese! I hate cheese!" Then you put the rest of it back on the tray and
20725 bite another one and go, "Darn it! Another cheese!" and so on.
20728 How many priests are needed for a Boston Mass?
20730 How many weeks are there in a light year?
20732 How much does it cost to entice a dope-smoking UNIX system guru to Dayton?
20733 -- UNIX/WORLD's First Annual Salary Survey, Brian Boyle
20735 How much does she love you?
20736 Less than you'll ever know.
20738 How much for your women? I want to buy your
20739 daughter... how much for the little girl?
20740 -- Jake Blues, "The Blues Brothers"
20742 How much net work could a network work, if a network could net work?
20744 How much of their influence on you is a result of your influence on them?
20746 How often I found where I should be going
20747 only by setting out for somewhere else.
20748 -- R. Buckminster Fuller
20750 How sharper than a hound's tooth it is to have a thankless serpent.
20752 How sharper than a serpent's tooth is a sister's "See?"
20755 How to Raise Your I.Q. by Eating Gifted Children
20756 -- Book title by Lewis B. Frumkes
20758 How untasteful can you get?
20760 How wonderful opera would be if there were no singers.
20762 How you look depends on where you go.
20764 However, never daunted, I will cope with adversity
20765 in my traditional manner... sulking and nausea.
20768 However, on religious issues there can be little or no compromise. There
20769 is no position on which people are so immovable as their religious beliefs.
20770 There is no more powerful ally one can claim in a debate than Jesus Christ,
20771 or God, or Allah, or whatever one calls this supreme being. But like any
20772 powerful weapon, the use of God's name on one's behalf should be used
20773 sparingly. The religious factions that are growing throughout our land are
20774 not using their religious clout with wisdom. They are trying to force
20775 government leaders into following their position 100 percent. If you disagree
20776 with these religious groups on a particular moral issue, they complain, they
20777 threaten you with a loss of money or votes or both. I'm frankly sick and
20778 tired of the political preachers across this country telling me as a citizen
20779 that if I want to be a moral person, I must believe in "A," "B," "C," and
20780 "D." Just who do they think they are? And from where do they presume to
20781 claim the right to dictate their moral beliefs to me? And I am even more
20782 angry as a legislator who must endure the threats of every religious group
20783 who thinks it has some God-granted right to control my vote on every roll
20784 call in the Senate. I am warning them today: I will fight them every step
20785 of the way if they try to dictate their moral convictions to all Americans
20786 in the name of "conservatism."
20787 -- Senator Barry Goldwater, Congressional Record
20789 HR 3128. Omnibus Budget Reconciliation, Fiscal 1986. Martin, R-Ill., motion
20790 that the House recede from its disagreement to the Senate amendment making
20791 changes in the bill to reduce fiscal 1986 deficits. The Senate amendment
20792 was an amendment to the House amendment to the Senate amendment to the House
20793 amendment to the Senate amendment to the bill. The original Senate amendment
20794 was the conference agreement on the bill. Agreed to.
20795 -- Albuquerque Journal
20798 Don't take life too seriously;
20799 you won't get out of it alive.
20801 Hug me now, you mad, impetuous fool!!
20803 I'm a computer, and you're a person. It would never work out.
20808 Human beings were created by water to transport it uphill.
20810 Human cardiac catheterization was introduced by Werner Forssman in 1929.
20811 Ignoring his department chief, and tying his assistant to an operating
20812 table to prevent her interference, he placed a ureteral catheter into
20813 a vein in his arm, advanced it to the right atrium [of his heart], and
20814 walked upstairs to the x-ray department where he took the confirmatory
20815 x-ray film. In 1956, Dr. Forssman was awarded the Nobel Prize.
20817 Human kind cannot bear very much reality.
20818 -- T.S. Eliot, "Four Quartets: Burnt Norton"
20820 Human resources are human first, and resources second.
20823 Humanity has advanced, when it has advanced, not because it has been sober,
20824 responsible, and cautious, but because it has been playful, rebellious, and
20828 Humans are communications junkies. We just can't get enough.
20831 Humility is the first of the virtues -- for other people.
20832 -- Oliver Wendell Holmes
20834 Hummingbirds never remember the words to songs.
20836 Humor is a drug which it's the fashion to abuse.
20839 Humorists always sit at the children's table.
20842 "Humpf!" Humpfed a voice! "For almost two days you've run wild and insisted on
20843 chatting with persons who've never existed. Such carryings-on in our peaceable
20844 jungle! We've had quite enough of you bellowing bungle! And I'm here to
20845 state," snapped the big kangaroo, "That your silly nonsensical game is all
20846 through!" And the young kangaroo in her pouch said, "Me, too!"
20847 "With the help of the Wickersham Brothers and dozens of Wickersham
20848 Uncles and Wickersham Cousins and Wickersham In-Laws, whose help I've engaged,
20849 You're going to be roped! And you're going to be caged! And, as for your
20850 dust speck... Hah! That we shall boil in a hot steaming kettle of Beezle-But
20852 -- Dr. Seuss "Horton Hears a Who"
20854 Humpty Dumpty sat on the wall,
20855 Humpty Dumpty had a great fall!
20856 All the king's horses,
20857 And all the king's men,
20858 Had scrambled eggs for breakfast again!
20860 Humpty Dumpty was pushed.
20862 Hurewitz's Memory Principle:
20863 The chance of forgetting something is directly proportional
20864 to... to... uh.....
20867 The best way to make a silk purse from a sow's ear is to begin
20868 with a silk sow. The same is true of money.
20870 If today were half as good as tomorrow is supposed to be, it would
20871 probably be twice as good as yesterday was.
20873 There are no lazy veteran lion hunters.
20875 If you can afford to advertise, you don't need to.
20877 One-tenth of the participants produce over one-third of the output.
20878 Increasing the number of participants merely reduces the average
20880 -- Norman Augustine
20882 I wish there was a knob on the TV to turn up the intelligence.
20883 There's a knob called "brightness", but it doesn't seem to work.
20886 I accept chaos. I am not sure whether it accepts me. I know some people
20887 are terrified of the bomb. But then some people are terrified to be seen
20888 carrying a modern screen magazine. Experience teaches us that silence
20889 terrifies people the most.
20892 I acted to show my love for Jodie Foster.
20895 I ain't got no quarrel with them Viet Congs.
20898 I allow the world to live as it chooses,
20899 and I allow myself to live as I choose.
20901 I also believe that academic freedom should protect the right of a professor
20902 or student to advocate Marxism, socialism, communism, or any other minority
20903 viewpoint -- no matter how distasteful to the majority.
20904 -- Richard M. Nixon
20906 What are our schools for if not indoctrination against Communism?
20907 -- Richard M. Nixon
20909 I always choose my friends for their good looks and my enemies for their
20910 good intellects. Man cannot be too careful in his choice of enemies.
20911 -- Oscar Wilde, "The Picture of Dorian Gray"
20913 I always had a repulsive need to be something more than human.
20916 I always pass on good advice. It is the only thing to do with it.
20917 It is never any good to oneself.
20918 -- Oscar Wilde, "An Ideal Husband"
20920 I always say beauty is only sin deep.
20921 -- Saki, "Reginald's Choir Treat"
20923 I always turn to the sports pages first, which record people's
20924 accomplishments. The front page has nothing but man's failures.
20925 -- Chief Justice Earl Warren
20927 I always wake up at the crack of ice.
20930 I always will remember -- I was in no mood to trifle;
20931 'Twas a year ago November -- I got down my trusty rifle
20932 I went out to shoot some deer And went out to stalk my prey --
20933 On a morning bright and clear. What a haul I made that day!
20934 I went and shot the maximum I tied them to my bumper and
20935 The game laws would allow: I drove them home somehow,
20936 Two game wardens, seven hunters, Two game wardens, seven hunters,
20937 And a cow. And a cow.
20939 The Law was very firm, it People ask me how I do it
20940 Took away my permit-- And I say, "There's nothin' to it!
20941 The worst punishment I ever endured. You just stand there lookin' cute,
20942 It turns out there was a reason: And when something moves, you shoot."
20943 Cows were out of season, and And there's ten stuffed heads
20944 One of the hunters wasn't insured. In my trophy room right now:
20945 Two game wardens, seven hunters,
20946 And a pure-bred gurnsey cow.
20947 -- Tom Lehrer, "The Hunting Song"
20949 I am a bookaholic. If you are a decent
20950 person, you will not sell me another book.
20953 I am dumber than any human and smarter than any administrator.
20955 I am a conscientious man, when I throw
20956 rocks at seabirds I leave no tern unstoned.
20957 -- Ogden Nash, "Everybody's Mind to Me a Kingdom Is"
20959 I am a deeply superficial person.
20962 I am a friend of the working man, and I would rather be his friend
20966 I am a man: nothing human is alien to me.
20967 -- Publius Terentius Afer (Terence)
20969 I am America's child, a spastic slogging on demented
20970 limbs drooling I'll trade my PhD for a telephone voice.
20971 -- Burt Lanier Safford III, "An Obscured Radiance"
20973 I am an optimist. It does not seem too much use being anything else.
20974 -- Winston Churchill
20976 I am changing my name to Chrysler
20977 I am going down to Washington, D.C.
20978 I will tell some power broker
20979 What they did for Iacocca
20980 Will be perfectly acceptable to me!
20982 I am changing my name to Chrysler,
20983 I am heading for that great receiving line.
20984 When they hand a million grand out,
20985 I'll be standing with my hand out,
20986 Yessir, I'll get mine!
20988 I am convinced that the truest act of courage is to sacrifice ourselves
20989 for others in a totally nonviolent struggle for justice. To be a man
20990 is to suffer for others.
20993 I am fairly unrepentant about her poetry. I really think that three
20994 quarters of it is gibberish. However, I must crush down these thoughts
20995 otherwise the dove of peace will shit on me.
20996 -- Noel Coward on Edith Sitwell
20998 I am firm. You are obstinate. He is a pig-headed fool.
20999 -- Katharine Whitehorn
21001 I am getting into abstract painting. Real abstract -- no brush, no canvas,
21002 I just think about it. I just went to an art museum where all of the art
21003 was done by children. All the paintings were hung on refrigerators.
21006 I am, in point of fact, a particularly haughty and exclusive person, of
21007 pre-Adamite ancestral descent. You will understand this when I tell you
21008 that I can trace my ancestry back to a protoplasmal primordial atomic
21009 globule. Consequently, my family pride is something inconceivable. I
21010 can't help it. I was born sneering.
21011 -- Pooh-Bah, "The Mikado"
21013 I am just a nice, clean-cut Mongolian boy.
21014 -- Yul Brynner, 1956
21016 I am looking for a honest man.
21017 -- Diogenes the Cynic
21024 I am not a politician and my other habits are also good.
21027 I am not afraid of tomorrow, for I have seen yesterday and I love today.
21028 -- William Allen White
21030 I am not an Economist. I am an honest man!
21033 I am not now and never have been a girl friend of Henry Kissinger.
21036 I am professionally trained in computer science, which is to say
21037 (in all seriousness) that I am extremely poorly educated.
21038 -- Joseph Weizenbaum, "Computer Power and Human Reason"
21040 I am ready to meet my Maker. Whether my Maker is prepared
21041 for the great ordeal of meeting me is another matter.
21044 I am returning this otherwise good typing paper to you because someone
21045 has printed gibberish all over it and put your name at the top.
21046 -- Professor Lowd, English, Ohio University
21048 I am the mother of all things, and all things should wear a sweater.
21050 I am the wandering glitch -- catch me if you can.
21052 I am two fools, I know, for loving, and for saying so.
21055 I am two with nature.
21058 I am very fond of the company of ladies. I like their beauty,
21059 I like their delicacy, I like their vivacity, and I like their silence.
21062 I appreciate the fact that this draft was done in haste, but some of the
21063 sentences that you are sending out in the world to do your work for you are
21064 loitering in taverns or asleep beside the highway.
21065 -- Dr. Dwight Van de Vate, Professor of Philosophy,
21066 University of Tennessee at Knoxville
21068 I asked the engineer who designed the communication terminal's keyboards
21069 why these were not manufactured in a central facility, in view of the
21070 small number needed [1 per month] in his factory. He explained that this
21071 would be contrary to the political concept of local self-sufficiency.
21072 Therefore, each factory needing keyboards, no matter how few, manufactures
21073 them completely, even molding the keypads.
21074 -- Isaac Auerbach, IEEE "Computer", Nov. 1979
21076 I attribute my success to intelligence, guts, determination, honesty,
21077 ambition, and having enough money to buy people with those qualities.
21085 I base my fashion taste on what doesn't itch.
21088 I began many years ago, as so many young men do, in searching for the
21089 perfect woman. I believed that if I looked long enough, and hard enough,
21090 I would find her and then I would be secure for life. Well, the years
21091 and romances came and went, and I eventually ended up settling for someone
21092 a lot less than my idea of perfection. But one day, after many years
21093 together, I lay there on our bed recovering from a slight illness. My
21094 wife was sitting on a chair next to the bed, humming softly and watching
21095 the late afternoon sun filtering through the trees. The only sounds to
21096 be heard elsewhere were the clock ticking, the kettle downstairs starting
21097 to boil, and an occasional schoolchild passing beneath our window. And
21098 as I looked up into my wife's now wrinkled face, but still warm and
21099 twinkling eyes, I realized something about perfection... It comes only
21101 -- James L. Collymore, "Perfect Woman"
21103 I believe a little incompatibility is the spice of life,
21104 particularly if he has income and she is pattable.
21107 I believe in an America where the separation of church and state is absolute
21108 -- where no Catholic prelate would tell the president (should he be Catholic)
21109 how to act, and no Protestant minister would tell his parishioners for whom
21110 to vote -- where no church or church school is granted any public funds or
21111 political preference -- and where no man is denied public office merely
21112 because his religion differs from the president who might appoint him or
21113 the people who might elect him.
21116 I believe in getting into hot water; it keeps you clean.
21119 I believe in sex and death -- two experiences that come once in a lifetime.
21122 I believe that professional wrestling is clean
21123 and everything else in the world is fixed.
21124 -- Frank Deford, sports writer
21126 I believe that the moment is near when by a procedure of active paranoiac
21127 thought, it will be possible to systematize confusion and contribute to the
21128 total discrediting of the world of reality.
21131 I belong to no organized party. I am a Democrat.
21134 I bet the human brain is a kludge.
21137 I BET WHAT HAPPENED was they discovered fire and invented the wheel on
21138 the same day. Then that night, they burned the wheel.
21139 -- Jack Handley, The New Mexican, 1988.
21141 I BET WHEN NEANDERTHAL KIDS would make a snowman, someone would always
21142 end up saying, "Don't forget the thick heavy brows." Then they would get
21143 embarrassed because they remembered they had the big hunky brows too, and
21144 they'd get mad and eat the snowman.
21145 -- Jack Handley, The New Mexican, 1988.
21147 I bet you have fun chasing the soap around the bathtub.
21148 -- Princess Diana, to a one-armed war veteran during
21149 a visit to a London veterans hospital
21151 I bought some used paint. It was in the shape of a house.
21154 I braved the contempt of my friends last week and ventured out to see
21155 Bambi, the Disney rerelease that is proving to be a hit once again in the
21156 box office. I was looking forward to a gentle, soothing, late afternoon
21157 relief from the Washington Summer. Instead I was traumatized. As a
21158 psycho-sexual return to the horrors of early adolescence, it couldn't be
21159 more effective. For the first half-hour, you're lulled into an agreeable
21160 sense of security and comfort. Birds twitter; small rabbits turn out to
21161 be great conversationalists. Pop is what Senator Moynihan would describe
21162 as an absent father, but Mom's there to make you feel OK in the odd
21163 thunderstorm. You make great friends, fool around on the ice, discover
21164 the meadow, generally mellow out. Then, without any particular warning,
21165 your mom gets shot, your voice breaks, huge growths start appearing on
21166 your head, and your peers start heading off into the clover with the
21167 apparent intention of having sex. Next thing you know, the forest burns
21168 down. If I were still eight, I think I'd prefer Rambo III.
21171 I call them as I see them. If I can't see them, I make them up.
21174 I called my parents the other night, but I forgot about the time difference.
21175 They're still living in the fifties.
21178 I came, I saw, I deleted all your files.
21180 I came out of twelve years of college and I didn't even know how to sew.
21181 All I could do was account -- I couldn't even account for myself.
21182 -- Firesign Theatre
21184 I came to MIT to get an education for myself and a diploma for my mother.
21186 I can give you my word, but I know what it's worth and you don't.
21187 -- Nero Wolfe, "Over My Dead Body"
21189 I can hire one half of the working class to kill the other half.
21192 I can mend the break of day, heal a broken heart,
21193 and provide temporary relief to nymphomaniacs.
21196 I can relate to that.
21198 I can resist anything but temptation.
21200 I can see him a'comin'
21201 With his big boots on,
21202 With his big thumb out,
21203 He wants to get me.
21204 He wants to hurt me.
21205 He wants to bring me down.
21206 But some time later,
21207 When I feel a little straighter,
21208 I'll come across a stranger
21209 Who'll remind me of the danger,
21210 And then.... I'll run him over.
21211 Pretty smart on my part!
21212 To find my way... In the dark!
21215 I can write better than anybody who can write faster,
21216 and I can write faster than anybody who can write better.
21219 I cannot and will not cut my conscience to fit this year's fashions.
21222 I cannot believe that God plays dice with the cosmos.
21223 -- Albert Einstein, on the randomness of quantum mechanics
21225 I cannot draw a cart, nor eat dried oats;
21226 If it be man's work I will do it.
21228 I can't believe that out of 100,000 sperm, you were the quickest.
21231 I can't complain, but sometimes I still do.
21234 I can't decide whether to commit suicide or go bowling.
21235 -- Florence Henderson
21237 I can't die until the government finds a safe place to bury my liver.
21240 I Can't Get Over You, So I Get Up and Go Around to the Other Side
21241 If You Won't Leave Me Alone, I'll Find Someone Who Will
21242 I Knew That You'd Committed a Sin When You Came Home Late With
21243 Your Socks Outside-in
21244 I'm a Rabbit in the Headlights of Your Love
21245 Don't Kick My Tires If You Ain't Gonna Take Me For a Ride
21246 I Liked You Better Before I Knew You So Well
21247 I Still Miss You, Baby, But My Aim's Gettin' Better
21248 I've Got Red Eyes From Your White Lies and I'm Blue All the Time
21249 -- proposed Country-Western song titles from "Wordplay"
21251 I can't mate in captivity.
21252 -- Gloria Steinem, on why she has never married.
21254 I can't seem to bring myself to say, "Well, I guess I'll be toddling along."
21255 It isn't that I can't toddle. It's that I can't guess I'll toddle.
21258 I can't stand squealers; hit that guy.
21259 -- Albert Anastasia
21261 I can't stand this proliferation of paperwork. It's useless to fight the
21262 forms. You've got to kill the people producing them.
21263 -- Vladimir Kabaidze, general director of the Ivanovo Machine
21264 Building Works (near Moscow) in a speech to the Communist
21267 I can't understand it.
21268 I can't even understand the people who can understand it.
21269 -- Queen Juliana of the Netherlands
21271 I can't understand why a person will take a year or two to write a
21272 novel when he can easily buy one for a few dollars.
21275 I can't understand why people are frightened of new ideas.
21276 I'm frightened of the old ones.
21279 I collect rare photographs... I have two... One of Houdini locking his
21280 keys in his car... the other is a rare picture of Norman Rockwell beating
21284 I come from a small town whose population never changed. Each time
21285 a woman got pregnant, someone left town.
21286 -- Michael Prichard
21288 I consider a new device or technology to have been
21289 culturally accepted when it has been used to commit a murder.
21292 I consider the day misspent that I am not
21293 either charged with a crime, or arrested for one.
21294 -- "Ratsy" Tourbillon
21296 I could never learn to like her --
21297 except on a raft at sea with no other provisions in sight.
21300 I couldn't possibly fail to disagree with you less.
21302 I couldn't remember when I had been so disappointed. Except perhaps the
21303 time I found out that M&Ms really DO melt in your hand.
21306 I despise the pleasure of pleasing people whom I despise.
21308 I didn't believe in reincarnation in any of my other lives. I don't see why
21309 I should have to believe in it in this one.
21312 I didn't do it! Nobody saw me do it! Can't prove anything!
21315 I didn't get sophisticated -- I just got tired.
21316 But maybe that's what sophisticated is -- being tired.
21319 I didn't know he was dead; I thought he was British.
21321 I didn't like the play, but I saw it under adverse conditions.
21322 The curtain was up.
21324 "I didn't order any WOO-WOO... Maybe a YUBBA... But no WOO-WOO!"
21325 -- Zippy the Pinhead
21327 I disagree with what you say, but will defend
21328 to the death your right to tell such LIES!
21330 I distrust a close-mouthed man. He generally picks the wrong time to talk
21331 and says the wrong things. Talking's something you can't do judiciously,
21332 unless you keep in practice. Now, sir, we'll talk if you like. I'll tell
21333 you right out, I'm a man who likes talking to a man who likes to talk.
21334 -- Sidney Greenstreet, "The Maltese Falcon"
21336 I distrust a man who says when. If he's got to be careful not to drink
21337 too much, it's because he's not to be trusted when he does.
21338 -- Sidney Greenstreet, "The Maltese Falcon"
21340 I do desire we may be better strangers.
21341 -- William Shakespeare, "As You Like It"
21343 I do enjoy a good long walk -- especially when my wife takes one.
21345 I do hate sums. There is no greater mistake than to call arithmetic an
21346 exact science. There are permutations and aberrations discernible to minds
21347 entirely noble like mine; subtle variations which ordinary accountants fail
21348 to discover; hidden laws of number which it requires a mind like mine to
21349 perceive. For instance, if you add a sum from the bottom up, and then again
21350 from the top down, the result is always different.
21353 I do not believe in the creed professed by the Jewish Church, by the Roman
21354 Church, by the Greek Church, by the Turkish Church, by the Protestant Church,
21355 nor by any Church that I know of. My own mind is my own Church.
21358 I do not care if half the league strikes. Those who do will encounter
21359 quick retribution. All will be suspended, and I don't care if it wrecks
21360 the National League for five years. This is the United States of America
21361 and one citizen has as much right to play as another.
21362 -- Ford Frick, National League President, reacting to a
21363 threatened strike by some Cardinal players in 1947 if
21364 Jackie Robinson took the field against St. Louis. The
21365 Cardinals backed down and played.
21367 I do not fear computers. I fear the lack of them.
21370 I do not feel obliged to believe that the same God who has endowed us with
21371 sense, reason, and intellect has intended us to forgo their use.
21374 I do not know myself and God forbid that I should.
21375 -- Johann Wolfgang von Goethe
21377 I do not know where to find in any literature, whether ancient or modern,
21378 any adequate account of that nature with which I am acquainted. Mythology
21379 comes nearest to it of any.
21380 -- Henry David Thoreau
21382 I do not know whether I was then a man dreaming I was a
21383 butterfly, or whether I am now a butterfly dreaming I am a man.
21386 I do not remember ever having seen a sustained argument by an author which,
21387 starting from philosophical premises likely to meet with general acceptance,
21388 reached the conclusion that a praiseworthy ordering of one's life is to
21389 devote it to research in mathematics.
21390 -- Sir Edmund Whittaker, "Scientific American", Vol. 183
21392 I do not seek the ignorant; the ignorant seek me -- I will instruct them.
21393 I ask nothing but sincerity. If they come out of habit, they become
21397 I do not take drugs -- I am drugs.
21400 I don't believe in astrology. But then I'm an
21401 Aquarius, and Aquarians don't believe in astrology.
21404 I don't care how poor and inefficient a little country is; they like to
21405 run their own business. I know men that would make my wife a better
21406 husband than I am; but, darn it, I'm not going to give her to 'em.
21407 -- The Best of Will Rogers
21409 I don't care what star you're following, get that camel off my front lawn!
21410 -- Heard in Bethlehem
21412 I don't care where I sit as long as I get fed.
21415 I don't deserve this award, but I have arthritis and I don't
21416 deserve that either.
21419 I don't do it for the money.
21420 -- Donald Trump, Art of the Deal
21422 I don't drink, I don't like it, it makes me feel too good.
21425 I don't even butter my bread. I consider that cooking.
21426 -- Katherine Cebrian
21428 I don't get no respect.
21430 I don't have an eating problem. I eat.
21431 I get fat. I buy new clothes. No problem.
21433 I don't have any solution but I certainly admire the problem.
21434 -- Ashleigh Brilliant
21436 I don't have to take this abuse from you -- I've got
21437 hundreds of people waiting to abuse me.
21438 -- Bill Murray, "Ghostbusters"
21440 I don't kill flies, but I like to mess with their minds. I hold them above
21441 globes. They freak out and yell "Whooa, I'm *way* too high."
21444 I don't know anything about music. In my line you don't have to.
21447 I don't know what Descartes' got,
21448 But booze can do what Kant cannot.
21451 I don't know who my grandfather was; I am much
21452 more concerned to know what his grandson will be.
21455 I don't know why anyone would want a computer in their home.
21456 -- Ken Olson, president of DEC, 1974
21458 I don't know why we're here, I say we all go home and free associate.
21460 I don't like spinach, and I'm glad I don't,
21461 because if I liked it I'd eat it, and I'd just hate it.
21464 I don't like the Dutchman. He's a crocodile. He's sneaky.
21466 -- Jack "Legs" Diamond, just before a peace conference
21467 with Dutch Schultz.
21469 I don't trust Legs. He's nuts. He gets excited and starts pulling a
21470 trigger like another guy wipes his nose.
21471 -- Dutch Schultz, just before a peace conference with
21474 I don't make the rules, Gil, I only play the game.
21477 I don't mind arguing with myself.
21478 It's when I lose that it bothers me.
21481 I don't mind what Congress does, as long as they don't do it in the
21482 streets and frighten the horses.
21485 I don't need no arms around me...
21486 I don't need no drugs to calm me...
21487 I have seen the writing on the wall.
21488 Don't think I need anything at all.
21489 No! Don't think I need anything at all!
21490 All in all, it was all just bricks in the wall.
21491 All in all, it was all just bricks in the wall.
21492 -- Pink Floyd, "Another Brick in the Wall", Part III
21494 I don't remember it, but I have it written down.
21496 I don't see what's wrong with giving Bobby a little experience before
21497 he starts to practice law.
21498 -- John F. Kennedy, upon appointing his brother
21501 I DON'T THINK I'M ALONE when I say I'd like to see more and more planets
21502 fall under the ruthless domination of our solar system.
21503 -- Jack Handley, The New Mexican, 1988.
21505 I don't think they are going to give a shit about the Republican
21506 Committee trying to bug the Democratic Committee's headquarters.
21507 -- Richard Nixon, 1972
21509 "I don't understand," said the scientist, "why you lemmings all rush down
21510 to the sea and drown yourselves."
21512 "How curious," said the lemming. "The one thing I don't understand is why
21513 you human beings don't."
21516 I don't understand you anymore.
21518 I don't wanna argue, and I don't wanna fight,
21519 But there will definitely be a party tonight...
21521 I don't want a pickle,
21522 I just wanna ride on my motorcycle.
21523 And I don't want to die,
21524 I just want to ride on my motorcycle.
21527 I don't want people to love me. It makes for obligations.
21530 I don't want to achieve immortality through my work.
21531 I want to achieve immortality through not dying.
21534 I don't want to bore you, but there's nobody else around for me to bore.
21536 I don't want to live on in my work, I want to live on in my apartment.
21539 I don't wish to appear overly inquisitive, but are you still alive?
21541 I dote on his very absence.
21542 -- William Shakespeare, "The Merchant of Venice"
21544 I dread success. To have succeeded is to have finished one's business on
21545 earth, like the male spider, who is killed by the female the moment he has
21546 succeeded in his courtship. I like a state of continual becoming, with a
21547 goal in front and not behind.
21548 -- George Bernard Shaw
21550 I drink to make other people interesting.
21551 -- George Jean Nathan
21553 I either want less decadence or more chance to participate in it.
21555 I enjoy the time that we spend together.
21557 I exist, therefore I am paid.
21559 I fear explanations explanatory of things explained.
21561 I feel sorry for your brain... all alone in that great big head...
21563 I fell asleep reading a dull book,
21564 and I dreamt that I was reading on,
21565 so I woke up from sheer boredom.
21567 I figure that if God actually does exist, He's big enough to understand an
21568 honest difference of opinion.
21571 I finally went to the eye doctor. I got contacts.
21572 I only need them to read, so I got flip-ups.
21575 I find this corpse guilty of carrying a concealed weapon and I fine it $40.
21576 -- Judge Roy Bean, finding a pistol and $40 on a man he'd
21579 I found Rome a city of bricks and left it a city of marble.
21582 I gave my love an Apple, that had no core;
21583 I gave my love a building, that had no floor;
21584 I wrote my love a program, that had no end;
21585 I gave my love an upgrade, with no cryin'.
21587 How can there be an Apple, that has no core?
21588 How can there be a building, that has no floor?
21589 How can there be a program, that has no end?
21590 How can there be an upgrade, with no cryin'?
21592 An Apple's MOS memory don't use no core!
21593 A building that's perfect, it has no flaw!
21594 A program with GOTOs, it has no end!
21595 I lied about the upgrade, with no cryin'!
21597 I generally avoid temptation unless I can't resist it.
21600 I get my exercise acting as pallbearer to my friends who exercise.
21603 I get up each morning, gather my wits.
21604 Pick up the paper, read the obits.
21605 If I'm not there I know I'm not dead.
21606 So I eat a good breakfast and go back to bed.
21608 Oh, how do I know my youth is all spent?
21609 My get-up-and-go has got-up-and-went.
21610 But in spite of it all, I'm able to grin,
21611 And think of the places my get-up has been.
21614 I give you the man who -- the man who -- uh, I forgets the man who?
21615 -- Beauregard Bugleboy
21617 I go on working for the same reason a hen goes on laying eggs.
21620 I go the way that Providence dictates.
21623 "I got into an elevator at work and this man followed in after me... I
21624 pushed '1' and he just stood there... I said 'Hi, where you going?' He
21625 said, 'Phoenix.' So I pushed Phoenix. A few seconds later the doors
21626 opened, two tumbleweeds blew in... we were in downtown Phoenix. I looked
21627 at him and said 'You know, you're the kind of guy I want to hang around
21628 with.' We got into his car and drove out to his shack in the desert.
21629 Then the phone rang. He said 'You get it.' I picked it up and said
21630 'Hello?'... the other side said 'Is this Steven Wright?'... I said 'Yes...'
21631 The guy said 'Hi, I'm Mr. Jones, the student loan director from your bank...
21632 It seems you have missed your last 17 payments, and the university you
21633 attended said that they received none of the $17,000 we loaned you... we
21634 would just like to know what happened to the money?' I said, 'Mr. Jones,
21635 I'll give it to you straight. I gave all of the money to my friend Slick,
21636 and with it he built a nuclear weapon... and I would appreciate it you never
21640 I got my driver's license photo taken out of focus on purpose. Now
21641 when I get pulled over the cop looks at it (moving it nearer and
21642 farther, trying to see it clearly)... and says, "Here, you can go."
21645 I got the bill for my surgery. Now I know what those doctors were
21649 I got this powdered water -- now I don't know what to add.
21652 I got tired of listening to the recording on the phone at the movie
21653 theater. So I bought the album. I got kicked out of a theater the
21654 other day for bringing my own food in. I argued that the concession
21655 stand prices were outrageous. Besides, I hadn't had a barbecue in a
21656 long time. I went to the theater and the sign said adults $5 children
21657 $2.50. I told them I wanted 2 boys and a girl. I once took a cab to
21658 a drive-in movie. The movie cost me $95.
21661 I got vision, and the rest of the world wears bifocals.
21664 I GUESS I KINDA LOST CONTROL because in the middle of the play I ran up
21665 and lit the evil puppet villain on fire.
21667 No, I didn't. Just kidding. I just said that to illustrate one of the
21668 human emotions which is freaking out. Another emotion is greed, as when
21669 you kill someone for money or something like that. Another emotion is
21670 generosity, as when you pay someone double what he paid for his stupid
21672 -- Jack Handley, The New Mexican, 1988.
21674 I GUESS I'LL NEVER FORGET HER. And maybe I don't want to. Her spirit
21675 was wild, like a wild monkey. Her beauty was like a beautiful horse
21676 being ridden by a wild monkey. I forget her other qualities.
21677 -- Jack Handley, The New Mexican, 1988.
21679 I guess I've been so wrapped up in playing the game that I never took
21680 time enough to figure out where the goal line was -- what it meant to
21681 win -- or even how you won.
21684 I guess I've been wrong all my life, but so have billions of
21685 other people... Certainty is just an emotion.
21688 I GUESS OF ALL MY UNCLES, I liked Uncle Caveman the best. We called him
21689 Uncle Caveman because he lived in a cave and because sometimes he'd eat
21690 one of us. Later, we found out he was a bear.
21691 -- Jack Handley, The New Mexican, 1988.
21693 I guess the Little League is even littler than we thought.
21696 I GUESS WE WERE ALL GUILTY, in a way. We shot him, we skinned him, and
21697 we all got a complimentary bumper sticker that said, "I helped skin Bob."
21698 -- Jack Handley, The New Mexican, 1988.
21700 I had a dream last night...
21701 I dreamt about 1976.
21702 I dreamt about a country with incurable brain damage...
21703 I even dreamt they gave it a heart transplant.
21704 Then I woke up and I knew it was only a nightmare...
21705 so I went back to sleep again.
21706 -- Ralph Steadman, "Fear and Loathing '72"
21708 I had a feeling once about mathematics -- that I saw it all. Depth beyond
21709 depth was revealed to me -- the Byss and the Abyss. I saw -- as one might
21710 see the transit of Venus or even the Lord Mayor's Show -- a quantity passing
21711 through infinity and changing its sign from plus to minus. I saw exactly
21712 why it happened and why tergiversation was inevitable -- but it was after
21713 dinner and I let it go.
21714 -- Winston Churchill
21716 I had a virgin once. I had to go to Guatemala for her. She was blind
21717 in one eye, and she had a stuffed alligator that said, "Welcome to Miami
21721 I had another dream the other day about government financial management
21722 people. They were small and rodent-like with padlocked ears, as if they
21723 had stepped out of a painting by Goya.
21725 I had another dream the other day about music critics. They were small
21726 and rodent-like with padlocked ears, as if they had stepped out of a
21730 I had never been too political, but I knew how white people treated black
21731 people and it was hard for me to come back to the bullshit white people
21732 put a black person through in this country. To realize you don't have any
21733 power to make things different is a bitch.
21736 I had no shoes and I pitied myself. Then I met a man who had no feet,
21737 so I took his shoes.
21740 I had the rare misfortune of being one of the first people to try and
21741 implement a PL/1 compiler.
21744 I had to hit him -- he was starting to make sense.
21746 I hate babies. They're so human.
21752 I hate it when my foot falls asleep during the day cause that means
21753 it's going to be up all night.
21756 I hate mankind, for I think myself one of the best of them,
21757 and I know how bad I am.
21761 -- Ralph Waldo Emerson
21763 I hate small towns because once you've seen the cannon in the park
21764 there's nothing else to do.
21767 I hate trolls. Maybe I could metamorph it into something else -- like a
21768 ravenous, two-headed, fire-breathing dragon.
21771 I have a box of telephone rings under my bed. Whenever I get lonely, I
21772 open it up a little bit, and I get a phone call. One day I dropped the
21773 box all over the floor. The phone wouldn't stop ringing. I had to get
21774 it disconnected. So I got a new phone. I didn't have much money, so I
21775 had to get an irregular. It doesn't have a five. I ran into a friend
21776 of mine on the street the other day. He said why don't you give me a
21777 call. I told him I can't call everybody I want to anymore, my phone
21778 doesn't have a five. He asked how long had it been that way. I said I
21779 didn't know -- my calendar doesn't have any sevens.
21782 I have a dog; I named him Stay. So when I'd go to call him, I'd say, "Here,
21783 Stay, here..." but he got wise to that. Now when I call him he ignores me
21784 and just keeps on typing.
21787 I have a dream. I have a dream that one day, on the red hills of Georgia,
21788 the sons of former slaves and the sons of former slaveowners will be able to
21789 sit down together at the table of brotherhood.
21790 -- Martin Luther King, Jr.
21792 I have a friend whose a billionaire. He invented Cliff's notes. When
21793 I asked him how he got such a great idea he said, "Well first I...
21794 I just... to make a long story short..."
21797 I have a hard time being attracted to anyone who can beat me up.
21798 -- John McGrath, Atlanta sportswriter, on women weightlifters.
21800 I have a hobby. I have the world's largest collection of sea shells.
21801 I keep it scattered on beaches all over the world. Maybe you've seen
21805 I have a little shadow that goes in and out with me,
21806 And what can be the use of him is more than I can see.
21807 He is very, very like me from the heels up to the head;
21808 And I see him jump before me, when I jump into my bed.
21810 The funniest thing about him is the way he likes to grow--
21811 Not at all like proper children, which is always very slow;
21812 For he sometimes shoots up taller, like an india-rubber ball,
21813 And he sometimes gets so little that there's none of him at all.
21816 I have a map of the United States. It's actual size.
21817 I spent last summer folding it.
21818 People ask me where I live, and I say, "E6".
21821 I have a rock garden. Last week three of them died.
21824 I have a simple philosophy:
21828 Scratch where it itches.
21831 I have a switch in my apartment that doesn't do anything. Every once
21832 in a while I turn it on and off. On and off. On and off. One day I
21833 got a call from a woman in France who said "Cut it out!"
21836 I have a terrible headache, I was putting on toilet water and the lid fell.
21838 I have a theory that it's impossible to prove anything,
21839 but I can't prove it.
21841 I have a very small mind and must live with it.
21842 -- Edsger W. Dijkstra
21844 I have a very strange feeling about this...
21847 "I have accepted Provolone into my life!"
21848 -- Zippy the Pinhead
21850 I have already given two cousins to the war and I stand ready to
21851 sacrifice my wife's brother.
21854 I have always noticed that whenever a radical takes
21855 to Imperialism, he catches it in a very acute form.
21856 -- Winston Churchill, 1903
21858 I have an existential map. It has "You are here" written all over it.
21861 I have become me without my consent.
21863 I have come up with a surefire concept for a hit television show, which
21864 would be called "A Live Celebrity Gets Eaten by a Shark."
21865 -- Dave Barry, "The Wonders of Sharks on TV"
21867 I have come up with a sure-fire concept for a hit television show,
21868 which would be called `A Live Celebrity Gets Eaten by a Shark'.
21871 I have defined the hundred per cent American as ninety-nine per
21873 -- George Bernard Shaw
21875 I have discovered that all human evil comes from this, man's being unable
21876 to sit still in a room.
21879 I have discovered the art of deceiving diplomats.
21880 I tell them the truth and they never believe me.
21881 -- Camillo Di Cavour
21883 I have found it impossible to carry the heavy burden of responsibility and
21884 to discharge my duties as king as I would wish to do without the help and
21885 support of the woman I love.
21886 -- Edward, Duke of Windsor, 1936, announcing his abdication
21887 of the British throne in order to marry the American
21888 divorcee Wallis Warfield Simpson.
21890 I have found little that is good about human beings. In my experience
21891 most of them are trash.
21894 I have gained this by philosophy:
21895 that I do without being commanded what others
21896 do only from fear of the law.
21899 I have given two cousins to war and I stand ready to sacrifice my
21903 I have great faith in fools -- self confidence my friends call it.
21906 I have had my television aerials removed. It's the moral equivalent
21907 of a prostate operation.
21908 -- Malcolm Muggeridge
21910 I have hardly ever known a mathematician who was capable of reasoning.
21913 I have just had eighteen whiskeys in a row.
21914 I do believe that is a record.
21915 -- Dylan Thomas, his last words
21917 I have learned silence from the talkative,
21918 toleration from the intolerant, and kindness from the unkind.
21921 I have lots of things in my pockets;
21922 None of them is worth anything.
21923 Sociopolitical whines aside,
21924 Gan you give me, gratis, free,
21925 The price of half a gallon
21927 And most of the bus fare home.
21929 I have made mistakes but I have never made the
21930 mistake of claiming that I have never made one.
21931 -- James Gordon Bennett
21933 I have made this letter longer than usual
21934 because I lack the time to make it shorter.
21937 I have more hit points that you can possible imagine.
21939 I have more humility in my little finger than you have in your whole BODY!
21942 I have never been one to sacrifice
21943 my appetite on the altar of appearance.
21946 I have never let my schooling interfere with my education.
21949 I have never seen anything fill up a vacuum so fast and still suck.
21952 Steve Jobs said two years ago that X is brain-damaged and it will be
21953 gone in two years. He was half right.
21956 Dennis Ritchie is twice as bright as Steve Jobs, and only half wrong.
21959 I have never understood this liking for war. It panders to instincts
21960 already catered for within the scope of any respectable domestic
21964 I have no doubt that it is a part of the destiny of the human race,
21965 in its gradual improvement, to leave off eating animals.
21968 I have no doubt the Devil grins,
21969 As seas of ink I spatter.
21970 Ye gods, forgive my "literary" sins--
21971 The other kind don't matter.
21972 -- Robert W. Service
21974 I have no right, by anything I do or say, to demean a human being in his
21975 own eyes. What matters is not what I think of him; it is what he thinks
21976 of himself. To undermine a man's self-respect is a sin.
21977 -- Antoine de Saint-Exupery
21979 I have not yet begun to byte!
21981 I have nothing but utter contempt for the courts of this land.
21984 I have now come to the conclusion never again to think of marrying,
21985 and for this reason: I can never be satisfied with anyone who would
21986 be blockhead enough to have me.
21989 I have often looked at women and committed adultery in my heart.
21992 I have often regretted my speech, never my silence.
21995 I have sacrificed time, health, and fortune, in the desire to complete these
21996 Calculating Engines. I have also declined several offers of great personal
21997 advantage to myself. But, notwithstanding the sacrifice of these advantages
21998 for the purpose of maturing an engine of almost intellectual power, and
21999 after expending from my own private fortune a larger sum than the government
22000 of England has spent on that machine, the execution of which it only
22001 commenced, I have received neither an acknowledgement of my labors, not even
22002 the offer of those honors or rewards which are allowed to fall within the
22003 reach of men who devote themselves to purely scientific investigations...
22004 If the work upon which I have bestowed so much time and thought were
22005 a mere triumph over mechanical difficulties, or simply curious, or if the
22006 execution of such engines were of doubtful practicability or utility, some
22007 justification might be found for the course which has been taken; but I
22008 venture to assert that no mathematician who has a reputation to lose will
22009 ever publicly express an opinion that such a machine would be useless if
22010 made, and that no man distinguished as a civil engineer will venture to
22011 declare the construction of such machinery impracticable...
22012 And at a period when the progress of physical science is obstructed
22013 by that exhausting intellectual and manual labor, indispensable for its
22014 advancement, which it is the object of the Analytical Engine to relieve, I
22015 think the application of machinery in aid of the most complicated and abstruse
22016 calculations can no longer be deemed unworthy of the attention of the country.
22017 In fact, there is no reason why mental as well as bodily labor should not
22018 be economized by the aid of machinery.
22019 -- Charles Babbage, "The Life of a Philosopher"
22021 I have seen the future and it is just like the present, only longer.
22024 I have seen the Great Pretender and he is not what he seems.
22026 I have that old biological urge,
22027 I have that old irresistible surge,
22030 I have the simplest tastes. I am always satisfied with the best.
22033 I have to think hard to name an interesting man who does not drink.
22036 I have travelled the length and breadth of this country, and have talked with
22037 the best people in business administration. I can assure you on the highest
22038 authority that data processing is a fad and won't last out the year.
22039 -- Editor in charge of business books at Prentice-Hall
22040 publishers, responding to Karl V. Karlstrom (a junior
22041 editor who had recommended a manuscript on the new
22042 science of data processing), c. 1957
22044 I have ways of making money that you know nothing of.
22045 -- John D. Rockefeller
22047 I have yet to see any problem, however complicated, which, when
22048 you looked at it in the right way, did not become still more complicated.
22051 I haven't lost my mind -- it's backed up on tape somewhere.
22053 I haven't lost my mind; I know exactly where I left it.
22055 I hear the sound that the machines make,
22056 and feel my heart break, just for a moment.
22058 I hear what you're saying but I just don't care.
22060 I heard a definition of an intellectual, that I thought was very
22061 interesting: a man who takes more words than are necessary to tell
22062 more than he knows.
22063 -- Dwight D. Eisenhower
22065 I hold it, that a little rebellion, now and then, is a good thing...
22066 -- Thomas Jefferson
22068 I hold your hand in mine, dear, I press it to my lips,
22069 I take a healthy bite from your dainty fingertips,
22070 My joy would be complete, dear, if you were only here,
22071 But still I keep your hand as a precious souvenir.
22073 The night you died I cut it off, I really don't know why,
22074 For now each time I kiss it I get bloodstains on my tie,
22075 I'm sorry now I killed you, our love was something fine,
22076 So until they come to get me I will hold your hand in mine.
22078 -- Tom Lehrer, "I Hold Your Hand In Mine"
22080 I hope you're not pretending to be evil while
22081 secretly being good. That would be dishonest.
22083 I just asked myself... what would John DeLorean do?
22086 I just ate a whole package of Sweet Tarts and a can of Coke.
22090 I just got off the phone with Sonny Barger [President of the Hell's Angels].
22091 He wants me to appear as a character witness for him at his murder trial
22092 and said he'd be glad to appear as a character witness on my behalf if I
22093 ever needed one. Needless to say, I readily agreed.
22094 -- Thomas King Forcade, publisher of "High Times"
22096 I just got out of the hospital after a
22097 speed reading accident. I hit a bookmark.
22100 I just know I'm a better manager when I have Joe DiMaggio in center field.
22103 I just need enough to tide me over until I need more.
22106 "I keep seeing spots in front of my eyes."
22107 "Did you ever see a doctor?"
22110 I kissed my first girl and smoked my first cigarette on the same day.
22111 I haven't had time for tobacco since.
22112 -- Arturo Toscanini
22114 I knew her before she was a virgin.
22115 -- Oscar Levant, on Doris Day
22117 I *knew* I had some reason for not logging you off...
22118 If I could just remember what it was.
22120 I knew one thing: as soon as anyone said you didn't need a gun, you'd better
22121 take one along that worked.
22122 -- Raymond Chandler
22124 I know if you been talkin' you done said
22125 just how surprised you wuz by the living dead.
22126 You wuz surprised that they could understand you words
22127 and never respond once to all the truth they heard.
22128 But don't you get square!
22129 There ain't no rule that says they got to care.
22130 They can always swear they're deaf, dumb and blind.
22132 I know not how I came into this,
22133 shall I call it a dying life or a living death?
22136 I know not with what weapons World War III will be fought, but
22137 World War IV will be fought with sticks and stones.
22140 I know on which side my bread is buttered.
22143 I know the answer! The answer lies within the heart of all mankind!
22144 The answer is twelve? I think I'm in the wrong building.
22147 I know the disposition of women: when you will, they won't; when
22148 you won't, they set their hearts upon you of their own inclination.
22149 -- Publius Terentius Afer (Terence)
22151 I know what "custody" [of the children] means. "Get even." That's all
22152 custody means. Get even with your old lady.
22155 "I know what you're thinking -- `Did he fire six shots or only five?'
22156 Well, to tell you the truth, in all the excitement, I kind of lost track
22157 myself. But being this is a .44 Magnum, the most powerful handgun in the
22158 world, and would blow your head clean off, you've got to ask yourself
22159 one question: `Do I feel lucky?' Well, do you, punk?"
22160 -- Harry Callahan, badge #2211
22162 I know you believe you understand what you think this fortune says,
22163 but I'm not sure you realize that what you are reading is not what
22166 I know you think you thought you knew what you thought I said,
22167 but I'm not sure you understood what you thought I meant.
22169 I know you're in search of yourself, I just haven't seen you anywhere.
22171 I lately lost a preposition;
22172 It hid, I thought, beneath my chair
22173 And angrily I cried, "Perdition!
22174 Up from out of under there."
22176 Correctness is my vade mecum,
22177 And straggling phrases I abhor,
22178 And yet I wondered, "What should he come
22179 Up from out of under for?"
22182 I lay my head on the railroad tracks,
22183 Waitin' for the double E.
22184 The railroad don't run no more.
22185 Poor poor pitiful me. [chorus]
22186 Poor poor pitiful me, poor poor pitiful me.
22187 These young girls won't let me be,
22188 Lord have mercy on me!
22191 Well, I met a girl, West Hollywood,
22192 Well, I ain't naming names.
22193 But she really worked me over good,
22194 She was just like Jesse James.
22195 She really worked me over good,
22196 She was a credit to her gender.
22197 She put me through some changes, boy,
22198 Sort of like a Waring blender. [chorus]
22200 I met a girl at the Rainbow Bar,
22201 She asked me if I'd beat her.
22202 She took me back to the Hyatt House,
22203 I don't want to talk about it. [chorus]
22204 -- Warren Zevon, "Poor Poor Pitiful Me"
22206 I learned to play guitar just to get the girls, and anyone who says they
22207 didn't is just lyin'!
22210 I like being single. I'm always there when I need me.
22213 I like myself, but I won't say I'm as handsome as the bull
22214 that kidnapped Europa.
22215 -- Marcus Tullius Cicero
22217 I like to believe that people in the long run are going to do more to
22218 promote peace than our governments. Indeed, I think that people want
22219 peace so much that one of these days governments had better get out of
22220 the way and let them have it.
22221 -- Dwight D. Eisenhower
22223 I like work; it fascinates me; I can sit and look at it for hours.
22225 I like young girls. Their stories are shorter.
22228 I like your game but we have to change the rules.
22230 I live the way I type; fast, with a lot of mistakes.
22232 I loathe people who keep dogs. They are cowards who haven't got the guts
22233 to bite people themselves.
22234 -- August Strindberg
22236 I look at life as being cruise director on the Titanic.
22237 I may not get there, but I'm going first class.
22240 I love being married. It's so great to find that one special
22241 person you want to annoy for the rest of your life.
22244 I love children. Especially when they cry -- for then
22245 someone takes them away.
22248 I love dogs, but I hate Chihuahuas. A Chihuahua isn't a dog.
22249 It's a rat with a thyroid problem.
22251 I love mankind ... It's people I hate.
22254 I love Mickey Mouse more than any woman I've ever known.
22257 I love the smell of napalm in the morning.
22258 -- Robert Duval, "Apocalypse Now"
22260 I love treason but hate a traitor.
22261 -- Gaius Julius Caesar
22263 I love you more than anything in this world. I don't expect that will last.
22266 I love you, not only for what you are,
22267 but for what I am when I am with you.
22270 I loved her with a love thirsty and desperate. I felt that we two might
22271 commit some act so atrocious that the world, seeing us, would find it
22273 -- Gene Wolfe, "The Shadow of the Torturer"
22275 I married beneath me. All women do.
22276 -- Lady Nancy Astor
22278 I may be getting older, but I refuse to grow up!
22280 I may kid around about drugs, but really, I take them seriously.
22283 I may not be totally perfect, but parts of me are excellent.
22284 -- Ashleigh Brilliant
22286 I met a wonderful new man. He's fictional, but you can't have everything.
22287 -- Cecelia, "The Purple Rose of Cairo"
22289 I met my latest girl friend in a department store. She was looking at
22290 clothes, and I was putting Slinkys on the escalators.
22293 I might have gone to West Point, but I was too proud to speak to a
22297 I must Create a System, or be enslav'd by another Man's;
22298 I will not Reason and Compare; my business is to Create.
22299 -- William Blake, "Jerusalem"
22301 I must get out of these wet clothes and into a dry Martini.
22302 -- Alexander Woolcott
22304 I must have a prodigious quantity of mind; it takes me as much as a
22305 week sometimes to make it up.
22306 -- Mark Twain, "The Innocents Abroad"
22308 I must have slipped a disk -- my pack hurts!
22310 I myself have dreamed up a structure intermediate between Dyson spheres
22311 and planets. Build a ring 93 million miles in radius -- one Earth orbit
22312 -- around the sun. If we have the mass of Jupiter to work with, and if
22313 we make it a thousand miles wide, we get a thickness of about a thousand
22316 And it has advantages. The Ringworld will be much sturdier than a Dyson
22317 sphere. We can spin it on its axis for gravity. A rotation speed of 770
22318 m/s will give us a gravity of one Earth normal. We wouldn't even need to
22319 roof it over. Place walls one thousand miles high at each edge, facing the
22320 sun. Very little air will leak over the edges.
22322 Lord knows the thing is roomy enough. With three million times the surface
22323 area of the Earth, it will be some time before anyone complains of the
22325 -- Larry Niven, "Ringworld"
22327 I need another lawyer like I need another hole in my head.
22330 I needed the good will of the legislature of four states. I formed the
22331 legislative bodies with my own money. I found that it was cheaper that
22335 I never cheated an honest man, only rascals. They wanted
22336 something for nothing. I gave them nothing for something.
22337 -- Joseph "Yellow Kid" Weil
22339 I never deny, I never contradict. I sometimes forget.
22340 -- Benjamin Disraeli, British PM, on dealing with the
22343 I never did it that way before.
22345 I never expected to see the day when girls would get sunburned in the
22346 places they do today.
22349 I never failed to convince an audience that the best thing they
22350 could do was to go away.
22352 I never forget a face, but in your case I'll make an exception.
22355 I never killed a man that didn't deserve it.
22358 I never loved another person the way I loved myself.
22361 I never made a mistake in my life.
22362 I thought I did once, but I was wrong.
22365 I never met a man I didn't want to fight.
22366 -- Lyle Alzado, professional footbal lineman
22368 I never met a piece of chocolate I didn't like.
22370 I never pray before meals -- my mom's a good cook.
22372 I never said all Democrats were saloonkeepers;
22373 what I said was all saloonkeepers were Democrats.
22375 I never saw a purple cow
22376 I never hope to see one
22377 But I can tell you anyhow
22378 I'd rather see than be one.
22381 I've never seen a purple cow
22382 I never hope to see one
22383 But from the milk we're getting now
22384 There certainly must be one
22387 Ah, yes, I wrote "The Purple Cow"
22388 I'm sorry now I wrote it
22389 But I can tell you anyhow
22390 I'll kill you if you quote it.
22391 -- Gellett Burgess, many years later
22393 I never take work home with me; I always leave it in some bar along the way.
22395 I never vote for anyone. I always vote against.
22398 I often quote myself; it adds spice to my conversation.
22401 I only know what I read in the papers.
22404 I opened the drawer of my little desk and a single letter fell out, a
22405 letter from my mother, written in pencil, one of her last, with unfinished
22406 words and an implicit sense of her departure. It's so curious: one can
22407 resist tears and "behave" very well in the hardest hours of grief. But
22408 then someone makes you a friendly sign behind a window... or one notices
22409 that a flower that was in bud only yesterday has suddenly blossomed... or
22410 a letter slips from a drawer... and everything collapses.
22411 -- Letters From Colette
22414 It's off to work I go...
22416 I owe the government $3400 in taxes. So I sent them two hammers and a
22420 I owe the public nothing.
22423 I own my own body, but I share.
22425 I place economy among the first and most important virtues, and public debt as
22426 the greatest of dangers to be feared. To preserve our independence, we must
22427 not let our rulers load us with perpetual debt. If we run into such debts, we
22428 must be taxed in our meat and drink, in our necessities and in our comforts,
22429 in our labor and in our amusements. If we can prevent the government from
22430 wasting the labor of the people, under the pretense of caring for them, they
22432 -- Thomas Jefferson
22434 I played lead guitar in a band called The Federal Duck, which is the kind
22435 of name that was popular in the '60s as a result of controlled substances
22436 being in widespread use. Back then, there were no restrictions, in terms
22437 of talent, on who could make an album, so we made one, and it sounds like
22438 a group of people who have been given powerful but unfamiliar instruments
22439 as a therapy for a degenerative nerve disease.
22442 I pledge allegiance to the flag
22443 of the United States of America
22444 and to the republic for which it stands,
22448 and justice for all.
22449 -- Francis Bellamy, 1892
22451 I poured spot remover on my dog. Now he's gone.
22454 I prefer rogues to imbeciles because they sometimes take a rest.
22455 -- Alexandre Dumas the Younger
22457 I prefer the most unjust peace to the most righteous war.
22460 Even peace may be purchased at too high a price.
22463 I profoundly believe it takes a lot of practice to become a moral slob.
22464 -- William F. Buckley
22466 I put contact lenses in my dog's eyes. They had little pictures of cats
22467 on them. Then I took one out and he ran around in circles.
22470 I put instant coffee in a microwave and almost went back in time.
22473 I put instant coffee in a microwave, and almost went back in time.
22476 I put instant coffee in my microwave oven and almost went back in time.
22479 I put the shotgun in an Adidas bag and padded it out with four pairs of
22480 tennis socks, not my style at all, but that was what I was aiming for: If
22481 they think you're crude, go technical; if they think you're technical, go
22482 crude. I'm a very technical boy. So I decided to get as crude as possible.
22483 These days, though, you have to be pretty technical before you can even
22484 aspire to crudeness.
22485 -- William Gibson, "Johnny Mnemonic"
22487 I put up my thumb... and it blotted out the planet Earth.
22490 I quite agree with you, said the Duchess; and the moral of that is -- 'Be
22491 what you would seem to be' -- or, if you'd like it put more simply -- 'Never
22492 imagine yourself not to be otherwise than what it might appear to others
22493 that what you were or might have been was not otherwise than what you had
22494 been would have appeared to them to be otherwise.'
22496 I read a column by George Will that Scarface should be rated X because
22497 parents were taking their children to see it. So what? Why should the
22498 motion-picture industry be responsible for our morality?
22499 Dad says to Mom, "Honey, Scarface is in town."
22501 "Human scum who kill each other over cocaine deals."
22502 "Sounds great! Let's take the kids!"
22505 I read Playboy for the same reason I read National Geographic.
22506 To see the sights I'm never going to visit.
22508 I read the newspaper avidly. It is my one form of continuous fiction.
22511 I realize that today you have a number of top female athletes such as
22512 Martina Navratilova who can run like deer and bench-press Chevrolet
22513 trucks. But to be brutally frank, women as a group have a long way to
22514 go before they reach the level of intensity and dedication to sports
22515 that enables men to be such incredible jerks about it.
22516 -- Dave Barry, "Sports is a Drag"
22518 I really had to act; 'cause I didn't have any lines.
22519 -- Marilyn Chambers
22521 I really hate this damned machine
22522 I wish that they would sell it.
22523 It never does quite what I want
22524 But only what I tell it.
22526 I really look with commiseration over the great body of my fellow citizens
22527 who, reading newspapers, live and die in the belief that they have known
22528 something of what has been passing in their time.
22531 I recently moved into a new apartment, and there was this switch on the
22532 wall that didn't do anything... so anytime I had nothing to do, I'd just
22533 flick that switch up and down... up and down... up and down...
22534 Then one day I got a letter from a woman in Germany... it just said
22538 I recognize terror as the finest emotion and so I will try to terrorize the
22539 reader. But if I find that I cannot terrify, I will try to horrify, and if
22540 I find that I cannot horrify, I'll go for the gross-out.
22543 I refuse to consign the whole male sex to the nursery. I insist on
22544 believing that some men are my equals.
22547 I refuse to have a battle of wits with an unarmed person.
22549 I remember once being on a station platform in Cleveland at four in the
22550 morning. A black porter was carrying my bags, and as we were waiting for
22551 the train to come in, he said to me: "Excuse me, Mr. Cooke, I don't want to
22552 invade your privacy, but I have a bet with a friend of mine. Who composed
22553 the opening theme music of 'Omnibus'? My friend said Virgil Thomson." I
22554 asked him, "What do you say?" He replied, "I say Aaron Copeland." I said,
22555 "You're right." The porter said, "I knew Thomson doesn't write counterpoint
22556 that way." I told that to a network president, and he was deeply unimpressed.
22559 I remember Ulysses well... Left one day for the post office
22560 to mail a letter, met a blonde named Circe on the streetcar,
22561 and didn't come back for 20 years.
22563 I remember when legal used to mean lawful, now it means some
22567 I replaced the headlights on my car with strobe lights. Now it
22568 looks like I'm the only one moving.
22571 I respect faith, but doubt is what gives you an education.
22574 I respect the institution of marriage. I have always thought that every
22575 woman should marry -- and no man.
22576 -- Benjamin Disraeli, "Lothair"
22578 I reverently believe that the maker who made us all makes everything in New
22579 England, but the weather. I don't know who makes that, but I think it must be
22580 raw apprentices in the weather-clerks factory who experiment and learn how, in
22581 New England, for board and clothes, and then are promoted to make weather for
22582 countries that require a good article, and will take their custom elsewhere
22583 if they don't get it.
22586 "I said, "Preacher, give me strength for round 5."
22587 He said,"What you need is to grow up, son."
22588 I said,"Growin' up leads to growin' old,
22589 And then to dying, and to me that don't sound like much fun."
22590 -- John Cougar, "The Authority Song"
22592 I sat down beside her, said hello, offered to buy her a drink...
22593 and then natural selection reared its ugly head.
22595 I saw a man pursuing the Horizon,
22596 'Round and round they sped.
22597 I was disturbed at this,
22598 I accosted the man,
22599 "It is futile," I said.
22601 "You lie!" He cried,
22605 I saw a subliminal advertising executive, but only for a second.
22608 I saw Lassie. It took me four shows to figure out why the hairy kid
22609 never spoke. I mean, he could roll over and all that, but did that
22612 I saw what you did and I know who you are.
22614 I see a bad moon rising.
22615 I see trouble on the way.
22616 I see earthquakes and lightnin'
22617 I see bad times today.
22618 Don't go 'round tonight,
22619 It's bound to take your life.
22620 There's a bad moon on the rise.
22621 -- J. C. Fogerty, "Bad Moon Rising"
22623 I see a good deal of talk from Washington about lowering taxes. I hope
22624 they do get 'em lowered down enough so people can afford to pay 'em.
22625 -- The Best of Will Rogers
22627 I see where we are starting to pay some attention to our neighbors to
22628 the south. We could never understand why Mexico wasn't just crazy about
22629 us; for we have always had their good will, and oil and minerals, at heart.
22630 -- The Best of Will Rogers
22632 I sent a letter to the fish, I said it very loud and clear,
22633 I told them, "This is what I wish." I went and shouted in his ear.
22634 The little fishes of the sea, But he was very stiff and proud,
22635 They sent an answer back to me. He said "You needn't shout so loud."
22636 The little fishes' answer was And he was very proud and stiff,
22637 "We cannot do it, sir, because..." He said "I'll go and wake them if..."
22638 I sent a letter back to say I took a kettle from the shelf,
22639 It would be better to obey. I went to wake them up myself.
22640 But someone came to me and said But when I found the door was locked
22641 "The little fishes are in bed." I pulled and pushed and kicked and
22643 I said to him, and I said it plain And when I found the door was shut,
22644 "Then you must wake them up again." I tried to turn the handle, But...
22646 "Is that all?" asked Alice.
22647 "That is all." said Humpty Dumpty. "Goodbye."
22649 I sent a message to another time,
22650 But as the days unwind -- this I just can't believe,
22651 I sent a message to another plane,
22652 Maybe it's all a game -- but this I just can't conceive.
22654 I met someone who looks at lot like you,
22655 She does the things you do, but she is an IBM.
22656 She's only programmed to be very nice,
22657 But she's as cold as ice, whenever I get too near,
22658 She tells me that she likes me very much,
22659 But when I try to touch, she makes it all too clear.
22661 I realize that it must seem so strange,
22662 That time has rearranged, but time has the final word,
22663 She knows I think of you, she reads my mind,
22664 She tries to be unkind, she knows nothing of our world.
22665 -- ELO, "Yours Truly, 2095"
22667 I shall come to you in the night and we shall see who is stronger --
22668 a little girl who won't eat her dinner or a great big man with cocaine
22670 -- Sigmund Freud, in a letter to his fiancee
22672 I shall give a propagandist reason for starting the war, no matter whether
22673 it is plausible or not. The victor will not be asked afterwards whether
22674 he told the truth or not. When starting and waging war it is not right
22675 that matters, but victory.
22678 I shot an arrow in to the air, and it stuck.
22679 -- graffito in Los Angeles
22683 -- graffito in San Francisco
22685 There's so much pollution in the air now that if it weren't for our
22686 lungs there'd be no place to put it all.
22689 I shot an arrow into the air, and it stuck.
22690 -- Los Angeles graffito
22692 I should have been a country-western singer. After all, I'm older than
22693 most western countries.
22698 I sold my memoirs of my love life to Parker
22699 Brothers -- they're going to make a game out of it.
22702 I sometimes think that God, in creating man, somewhat overestimated his
22706 I spilled spot remover on my dog. Now he's gone.
22709 I spilled spot remover on my dog and now he's gone.
22713 -- Sam Giancana, explaining his livelihood to his draft board
22715 Easy. I own Chicago. I own Miami. I own Las Vegas.
22716 -- Sam Giancana, when asked what he did for a living
22718 I stick my neck out for nobody.
22719 -- Humphrey Bogart, "Casablanca"
22721 I stood on the leading edge,
22722 The eastern seaboard at my feet.
22723 "Jump!" said Yoko Ono
22724 I'm too scared and good-looking, I cried.
22725 Go on and give it a try,
22726 Why prolong the agony, all men must die.
22727 -- Roger Waters, "The Pros and Cons of Hitchhiking"
22729 I stopped believing in Santa Claus when I was six. Mother took me to
22730 see him in a department store and he asked for my autograph.
22733 I stopped believing in Santa Claus when my mother took me to see him in a
22734 department store, and he asked for my autograph.
22737 I suggest a new strategy, Artoo: let the Wookiee win.
22740 I suppose I could collect my books and get on back to school,
22741 Or steal my daddy's cue and make a living out of playing pool,
22742 Or find myself a rock 'n' roll band,
22743 That needs a helping hand,
22744 Oh, Maggie I wish I'd never seen your face.
22745 -- Rod Stewart, "Maggie May"
22747 I suppose some of the variation between Boston drivers and the rest of the
22748 country is due to the progressive Massachusetts Driver Education Manual which
22749 I happen to have in my top desk drawer. Some of the Tips for Better Driving
22750 are worth considering, to wit:
22753 "When traveling on a one-way street, stay to the right, so as not
22754 to interfere with oncoming traffic."
22757 "Learning to change lanes takes time and patience. The best
22758 recommendation that can be made is to go to a Celtics [basketball]
22759 game; study the fast break and then go out and practice it
22763 "Never bump a baby carriage out of a crosswalk unless the kid's really
22766 I suppose some of the variation between Boston drivers and the rest of the
22767 country is due to the progressive Massachusetts Driver Education Manual which
22768 I happen to have in my top desk drawer. Some of the Tips for Better Driving
22769 are worth considering, to wit:
22772 "Directional signals are generally not used except during vehicle
22773 inspection; however, a left-turn signal is appropriate when making
22774 a U-turn on a divided highway."
22777 "When paying tolls, remember that it is necessary to release the
22778 quarter a full 3 seconds before passing the basket if you are
22779 traveling more than 60 MPH."
22782 "When traveling on a one-way street, stay to the right, so as not
22783 to interfere with oncoming traffic."
22785 I suppose some of the variation between Boston drivers and the rest of the
22786 country is due to the progressive Massachusetts Driver Education Manual which
22787 I happen to have in my top desk drawer. Some of the Tips for Better Driving
22788 are worth considering, to wit:
22791 "When competing for a section of road or a parking space, remember
22792 that the vehicle in need of the most body work has the right-of-way."
22795 "Although it is altogether possible to fit a 6' car into a 6'
22796 parking space, it is hardly ever possible to fit a 6' car into
22797 a 5' parking space."
22800 "Teenage drivers believe that they are immortal, and drive accordingly.
22801 Nevertheless, you should avoid the temptation to prove them wrong."
22803 I suppose that in a few hours I will sober up. That's such a sad
22804 thought. I think I'll have a few more drinks to prepare myself.
22806 "I suppose you expect me to talk."
22807 "No, Mr. Bond. I expect you to die."
22810 I tell them to turn to the study of mathematics, for it
22811 is only there that they might escape the lusts of the flesh.
22812 -- Thomas Mann, "The Magic Mountain"
22814 I tell ya, drugs never worked out for me. The first time I tried smoking
22815 pot I didn't know what I was doing. I smoked half the joint, got the
22816 munchies, and ate the other half.
22818 Well, the first time I tried coke I was so embarrassed. I kept getting the
22819 bottle stuck up my nose.
22820 -- Rodney Dangerfield
22822 I tell ya, gambling never agreed with me. Last week I went to the track
22823 and they shot my horse with the opening gun.
22825 Well, just last week I was at a Chinese restaurant and when I opened my
22826 fortune cookie I found the guy's check sitting at the next table. I said,
22827 "Hey, buddy, I got your check", he said, "Thanks."
22828 -- Rodney Dangerfield
22830 I tell ya, I knew my morning wasn't going right. When I put on my shirt
22831 the button fell off, when I picked up my briefcase, the handle fell off,
22832 I tell ya, I was afraid to go to the bathroom.
22833 -- Rodney Dangerfield
22835 I tell ya, I was an ugly kid. I was so ugly that my dad
22836 kept the kid's picture that came with the wallet he bought.
22837 -- Rodney Dangerfield
22839 I think... I think it's in my basement... Let me go upstairs and check.
22842 I think a relationship is like a shark. It has to constantly move forward
22843 or it dies. Well, what we have on our hands here is a dead shark.
22846 I think all right-thinking people in this country are sick and tired of
22847 being told that ordinary, decent people are fed up in this country with being
22848 sick and tired. I'm certainly not! But I'm sick and tired of being told
22852 "I think he said 'Blessed are the cheesemakers.'"
22853 "Nonsense, he was obviously referring to all manufacturers of dairy products."
22854 -- The Life of Brian
22856 I think I'll snatch a kiss and flee.
22859 I think I'm schizophrenic. One half of me's
22860 paranoid and the other half's out to get him.
22862 I THINK MAN INVENTED THE CAR by instinct.
22863 -- Jack Handley, The New Mexican, 1988.
22865 I think she must have been very strictly brought up, she's so
22866 desperately anxious to do the wrong thing correctly.
22867 -- Saki, "Reginald on Worries"
22869 I think that God in creating man somewhat overestimated his ability.
22872 I think that I shall never hear
22873 A poem lovelier than beer.
22874 The stuff that Joe's Bar has on tap,
22875 With golden base and snowy cap.
22876 The stuff that I can drink all day
22877 Until my mem'ry melts away.
22878 Poems are made by fools, I fear
22879 But only Schlitz can make a beer.
22881 I think that I shall never see
22882 A billboard lovely as a tree.
22883 Indeed, unless the billboards fall
22884 I'll never see a tree at all.
22887 I think that I shall never see
22888 A thing as lovely as a tree.
22889 But as you see the trees have gone
22890 They went this morning with the dawn.
22891 A logging firm from out of town
22892 Came and chopped the trees all down.
22893 But I will trick those dirty skunks
22894 And write a brand new poem called 'Trunks'.
22896 I think the world is ready for the story of an ugly duckling, who grew up to
22897 remain an ugly duckling, and lived happily ever after.
22900 I think the world is run by C students.
22903 I THINK THERE SHOULD BE SOMETHING in science called the "reindeer effect."
22904 I don't know what it would be, but I think it'd be good to hear someone
22905 say, "Gentlemen, what we have here is a terrifying example of the reindeer
22907 -- Jack Handley, The New Mexican, 1988.
22909 I think, therefore I am... I think.
22911 I think there's a world market for about five computers.
22912 -- attr. Thomas J. Watson (Chairman of the Board, IBM), 1943
22914 I THINK THEY SHOULD CONTINUE the policy of not giving a Nobel Prize for
22916 -- Jack Handley, The New Mexican, 1988.
22918 I think we are in Rats Alley where the dead men lost their bones.
22921 I think we're all Bozos on this bus.
22922 -- Firesign Theatre
22924 I think we're in trouble.
22927 I think your opinions are reasonable,
22928 except for the one about my mental instability.
22929 -- Psychology Professor, Farifield University
22931 "I thought that you said you were 20 years old!"
22932 "As a programmer, yes," she replied,
22933 "And you claimed to be very near two meters tall!"
22934 "You said you were blonde, but you lied!"
22935 Oh, she was a hacker and he was one, too,
22936 They had so much in common, you'd say.
22937 They exchanged jokes and poems, and clever new hacks,
22938 And prompts that were cute or risque'.
22939 He sent her a picture of his brother Sam,
22940 She sent one from some past high school day,
22941 And it might have gone on for the rest of their lives,
22942 If they hadn't met in L.A.
22943 "Your beard is an armpit," she said in disgust.
22944 He answered, "Your armpit's a beard!"
22945 And they chorused: "I think I could stand all the rest
22946 If you were not so totally weird!"
22947 If she had not said what he wanted to hear,
22948 And he had not done just the same,
22949 They'd have been far more honest, and never have met,
22950 And would not have had fun with the game.
22951 -- Judith Schrier, "Face to Face After Six Months of
22954 I thought there was something fishy about the butler. Probably a Pisces,
22956 -- Firesign Theatre, "The Further Adventures of Nick Danger"
22958 I thought YOU silenced the guard!
22960 I told my kids, "Someday, you'll have kids of your own."
22961 One of them said, "So will you."
22962 -- Rodney Dangerfield
22964 I took a course in speed reading, learning to read straight down the middle
22965 of the page, and I was able to go through "War and Peace" in twenty minutes.
22969 I treasure this strange combination found in very few persons: a fierce
22970 desire for life as well as a lucid perception of the ultimate futility of
22972 -- Madeleine Gobeil
22974 I truly wish I could be a great surgeon or philosopher or author or anything
22975 constructive, but in all honesty I'd rather turn up my amplifier full blast
22976 and drown myself in the noise.
22977 -- Charles Schmid, the "Tucson Murderer"
22979 I trust the first lion he meets will do his duty.
22980 -- J.P. Morgan on Teddy Roosevelt's safari
22982 I try not to break the rules but merely to test their elasticity.
22985 I try to keep an open mind, but not so open that my brains fall out.
22986 -- Judge Harold T. Stone
22988 I turned my air conditioner the other way around, and it got cold out.
22989 The weatherman said "I don't understand it. I was supposed to be 80
22990 degrees today," and I said "Oops."
22992 In my house on the ceilings I have paintings of the rooms above... so
22993 I never have to go upstairs.
22995 I just bought a microwave fireplace... You can spend an evening in
22996 front of it in only eight minutes.
22999 I understand why you're confused. You're thinking too much.
23002 I use not only all the brains I have, but all those I can borrow as well.
23005 I use technology in order to hate it more properly.
23008 I used to be a rebel in my youth.
23009 This cause... that cause... (chuckle) I backed 'em ALL! But I learned.
23010 Rebellion is simply a device used by the immature to hide from his own
23011 problems. So I lost interest in politics. Now when I feel aroused by
23012 a civil rights case or a passport hearing... I realize it's just a device.
23013 I go to my analyst and we work it out. You have no idea how much better
23017 I used to be disgusted, now I find I'm just amused.
23020 I used to be Snow White, but I drifted.
23023 I used to be such a sweet sweet thing, 'til they got a hold of me,
23024 I opened doors for little old ladies, I helped the blind to see,
23025 I got no friends 'cause they read the papers, they can't be seen,
23026 With me, and I'm feelin' real shot down,
23027 And I'm, uh, feelin' mean,
23028 No more, Mr. Nice Guy,
23029 No more, Mr. Clean,
23030 No more, Mr. Nice Guy,
23031 They say "He's sick, he's obscene".
23033 My dog bit me on the leg today, my cat clawed my eyes,
23034 Ma's been thrown out of the social circle, and Dad has to hide,
23035 I went to church, incognito, when everybody rose,
23036 The reverend Smithy, he recognized me,
23037 And punched me in the nose, he said,
23039 He said "You're sick, you're obscene".
23040 -- Alice Cooper, "No More Mr. Nice Guy"
23042 I used to get high on life but lately I've built up a resistance.
23044 I used to have a drinking problem.
23045 Now I love the stuff.
23047 I used to live in a house by the freeway. When I went anywhere, I had
23048 to be going 65 MPH by the end of my driveway.
23050 I replaced the headlights in my car with strobe lights. Now it looks
23051 like I'm the only one moving.
23053 I was pulled over for speeding today. The officer said, "Don't you know
23054 the speed limit is 55 miles an hour?" And I said, "Yes, but I wasn't going
23055 to be out that long."
23057 I put a new engine in my car, but didn't take the ond one out. Now
23058 my car goes 500 miles an hour.
23061 I used to think I was a child; now I think I am an adult -- not because
23062 I no longer do childish things, but because those I call adults are no
23063 more mature than I am.
23065 I used to think I was indecisive, but now I'm not so sure.
23067 I used to think romantic love was a neurosis shared by two, a supreme
23068 foolishness. I no longer thought that. There's nothing foolish in
23069 loving anyone. Thinking you'll be loved in return is what's foolish.
23072 I used to think that the brain was the most wonderful organ in
23073 my body. Then I realized who was telling me this.
23076 I used to work in a fire hydrant factory. You couldn't park anywhere
23080 I value kindness to human beings first of all, and kindness to animals. I
23081 don't respect the law; I have a total irreverence for anything connected
23082 with society except that which makes the roads safer, the beer stronger,
23083 the food cheaper, and old men and womem warmer in the winter, and happier
23087 I value kindness to human beings first of all, and kindness to animals. I
23088 don't respect the law; I have a total irreverence for anything connected
23089 with society except that which makes the roads safer, the beer stronger,
23090 the food cheaper, and old men and women warmer in the winter, and happier
23094 I waited and waited and when no message came I knew it must be from you.
23096 I want to be the white man's brother, not his brother-in-law.
23097 -- Martin Luther King, Jr.
23099 I want to buy a husband who, every week when I sit down to watch "St.
23100 Elsewhere", won't scream, "Forget it, Blanche... It's time for Hee-Haw!"
23102 I want to kill everyone here with a cute colorful Hydrogen Bomb!!
23103 -- Zippy the Pinhead
23105 I want to marry a girl just like the girl that married dear old dad.
23108 I want to reach your mind -- where is it currently located?
23110 I was appalled by this story of the destruction of a member of a valued
23111 endangered species. It's all very well to celebrate the practicality of
23112 pigs by ennobling the porcine sibling who constructed his home out of
23113 bricks and mortar. But to wantonly destroy a wolf, even one with an
23114 excessive taste for porkers, is unconscionable in these ecologically
23115 critical times when both man and his domestic beasts continue to maraud
23117 Sylvia Kamerman, "Book Reviewing"
23119 I was at this restaurant. The sign said "Breakfast Anytime." So I
23120 ordered French Toast in the Renaissance.
23123 I was born in a barrel of butcher knives
23124 Trouble I love and peace I despise
23125 Wild horses kicked me in my side
23126 Then a rattlesnake bit me and he walked off and died.
23129 I was eatin' some chop suey,
23130 With a lady in St. Louie,
23131 When there sudden comes a knockin' at the door.
23132 And that knocker, he says, "Honey,
23133 Roll this rocker out some money,
23134 Or your daddy shoots a baddie to the floor."
23137 I was gratified to be able to answer promptly, and I did.
23138 I said I didn't know.
23141 I was in a bar and I walked up to a beautiful woman and said, "Do you live
23142 around here often?" She said, "You're wearing two different-color socks."
23143 I said, "Yes, but to me they're the same because I go by thickness."
23144 She said, "How do you feel?" And I said, "You know when you're sitting on a
23145 chair and you lean back so you're just on two legs and you lean too far so
23146 you almost fall over but at the last second you catch yourself? I feel like
23147 that all the time..."
23148 -- Steven Wright, "Gentlemen's Quarterly"
23150 I was in a beauty contest one. I not only came in last, I was hit in
23151 the mouth by Miss Congeniality.
23154 I was in accord with the system so long as it
23155 permitted me to function effectively.
23158 I was in this prematurely air conditioned supermarket and there were all
23159 these aisles and there were these bathing caps you could buy that had these
23160 kind of Fourth of July plumes on them that were red and yellow and blue and
23161 I wasn't tempted to buy one but I was reminded of the fact that I had been
23162 avoiding the beach.
23163 -- Lucinda Childs "Einstein On The Beach"
23165 I was in Vegas last week. I was at the roulette table, having a
23166 lengthy argument about what I considered an Odd number.
23169 I was offered a job as a hoodlum and I turned it down cold. A thief is
23170 anybody who gets out and works for his living, like robbing a bank or
23171 breaking into a place and stealing stuff, or kidnapping somebody. He really
23172 gives some effort to it. A hoodlum is a pretty lousy sort of scum. He
23173 works for gangsters and bumps guys off when they have been put on the spot.
23174 Why, after I'd made my rep, some of the Chicago Syndicate wanted me to work
23175 for them as a hood -- you know, handling a machine gun. They offered me
23176 two hundred and fifty dollars a week and all the protection I needed. I
23177 was on the lam at the time and not able to work at my regular line. But
23178 I wouldn't consider it. "I'm a thief," I said. "I'm no lousy hoodlum."
23179 -- Alvin Karpis, "Public Enemy Number One"
23181 I was playing poker the other night... with Tarot cards. I got a
23182 full house and four people died.
23185 I was the best I ever had.
23188 I was toilet-trained at gunpoint.
23191 I was working on a case. It had to be a case, because I couldn't afford a
23192 desk. Then I saw her. This tall blond lady. She must have been tall
23193 because I was on the third floor. She rolled her deep blue eyes towards
23194 me. I picked them up and rolled them back. We kissed. She screamed. I
23195 took the cigarette from my mouth and kissed her again.
23197 I wasn't kissing her, I was whispering in her mouth.
23200 I watch television because you don't know what it will do if you leave it
23203 I went home with a waitress,
23204 The way I always do.
23205 How I was I to know?
23206 She was with the Russians too.
23208 I was gambling in Havana,
23209 I took a little risk.
23210 Send lawyers, guns, and money,
23211 Dad, get me out of this.
23212 -- Warren Zevon, "Lawyers, Guns and Money"
23214 I went into the business for the money, and the art grew out of it.
23215 If people are disillusioned by that remark, I can't help it.
23219 I went on to test the program in every way I could devise. I strained it to
23220 expose its weaknesses. I ran it for high-mass stars and low-mass stars, for
23221 stars born exceedingly hot and those born relatively cold. I ran it assuming
23222 the superfluid currents beneath the crust to be absent -- not because I wanted
23223 to know the answer, but because I had developed an intuitive feel for the
23224 answer in this particular case. Finally I got a run in which the computer
23225 showed the pulsar's temperature to be less than absolute zero. I had found
23226 an error. I chased down the error and fixed it. Now I had improved the
23227 program to the point where it would not run at all.
23228 -- George Greenstein, "Frozen Star:
23229 Of Pulsars, Black Holes and the Fate of Stars"
23231 I went over to my friend, he was eatin' a pickle.
23232 I said "Hi, what's happenin'?"
23234 Try to sing this song with that kind of enthusiasm;
23235 As if you just squashed a cop.
23236 -- Arlo Guthrie, "Motorcycle Song"
23238 I went to a Grateful Dead Concert and they played for SEVEN hours.
23242 I went to a place to eat. It said `BREAKFAST ANYTIME.' So I ordered
23243 French toast during the Renaissance.
23246 I went to a restaurant that serves "breakfast at any time."
23247 So I ordered French Toast during the Renaissance.
23250 I went to my first computer conference at the New York Hilton about 20
23251 years ago. When somebody there predicted the market for microprocessors
23252 would eventually be in the millions, someone else said, "Where are they
23253 all going to go? It's not like you need a computer in every doorknob!"
23255 Years later, I went back to the same hotel. I noticed the room keys had
23256 been replaced by electronic cards you slide into slots in the doors.
23258 There was a computer in every doorknob.
23261 I went to my mother and told her I intended to commence a different life.
23262 I asked for and obtained her blessing and at once commenced the career
23264 -- Tiburcio Vasquez
23266 I will always love the false image I had of you.
23268 I will follow the good side right to the fire,
23269 but not into it if I can help it.
23270 -- Michel Eyquem de Montaigne
23272 I will honour Christmas in my heart, and try to keep it all the
23273 year. I will live in the Past, the Present, and the Future. The
23274 Spirits of all Three shall strive within me. I will not shut out
23275 the lessons that they teach. Oh, tell me that I may sponge away the
23276 writing on this stone!
23279 I will make you shorter by the head.
23282 I will never lie to you.
23284 I will not be briefed or debriefed, my underwear is my own.
23288 I will not get drunk!
23290 I will not in public!
23292 I will not fall down!
23294 I will fall face down so that they cannot see my company badge.
23296 I will not forget you.
23298 I will not play at tug o' war.
23299 I'd rather play at hug o' war,
23300 Where everyone hugs
23302 Where everyone giggles
23303 And rolls on the rug,
23304 Where everyone kisses,
23305 And everyone grins,
23306 And everyone cuddles,
23308 -- Shel Silverstein, "Hug O' War"
23310 I will not say that women have no character; rather, they have a new
23314 I wish a robot would get elected president. That way, when he came to town,
23315 we could all take a shot at him and not feel too bad.
23318 I WISH I HAD A KRYPTONITE CROSS, because then you could keep both Dracula
23320 -- Jack Handley, The New Mexican, 1988.
23322 I wish there was a knob on the TV where you could turn up the
23323 intelligence. They've got one called brightness, but it doesn't
23327 I wish you humans would leave me alone.
23329 I wish you were a Scotch on the rocks.
23331 I woke up a feelin' mean
23332 went down to play the slot machine
23333 the wheels turned round,
23334 and the letters read
23335 "Better head back to Tennessee Jed"
23338 I woke up this morning and discovered that everything in my apartment
23339 had been stolen and replaced with an exact replica. I told my roommate,
23340 "Isn't this amazing? Everything in the apartment has been stolen and
23341 replaced with an exact replica." He said, "Do I know you?"
23344 "I wonder", he said to himself, "what's in a book while it's closed. Oh, I
23345 know it's full of letters printed on paper, but all the same, something must
23346 be happening, because as soon as I open it, there's a whole story with people
23347 I don't know yet and all kinds of adventures and battles."
23350 I wonder what the leash and collar set does for excitement?
23351 -- Tramp, Lady and the Tramp
23353 I worked in a health food store once. A guy came in and asked me,
23354 "If I melt dry ice, can I take a bath without getting wet?"
23357 I would be batting the big feller if they wasn't ready with the other one,
23358 but a left-hander would be the thing if they wouldn't have knowed it already
23359 because there is more things involved than could come up on the road, even
23360 after we've been home a long while.
23363 I would gladly raise my voice in praise of women,
23364 only they won't let me raise my voice.
23367 I would have made a good pope.
23370 I would have promised those terrorists a trip to Disneyland if it would have
23371 gotten the hostages released. I thank God they were satisfied with the
23372 missiles and we didn't have to go to that extreme.
23375 I would have you imagine, then, that there exists in the mind of man a block
23376 of wax... and that we remember and know what is imprinted as long as the
23377 image lasts; but when the image is effaced, or cannot be taken, then we
23378 forget or do not know.
23379 -- Plato, Dialogs, Theateus 191
23381 [Quoted in "VMS Internals and Data Structures", V4.4, when
23382 referring to image activation and termination.]
23384 I would like the government to do all it can to mitigate, then, in
23385 understanding, in mutuality of interest, in concern for the common good,
23386 our tasks will be solved.
23387 -- Warren G. Harding
23389 I would like to electrocute everyone who uses the word 'fair' in connection
23390 with income tax policies.
23391 -- William F. Buckley
23393 I would like to know
23394 What I was fencing in
23395 And what I was fencing out.
23398 I would like to suggest that you not use speed, and here's why: it is going
23399 to mess up your heart, mess up your liver, your kidneys, rot out your mind.
23400 In general this drug will make you just like your mother and father.
23403 I would much rather have men ask why
23404 I have no statue, than why I have one.
23405 -- Marcus Procius Cato
23407 I would not like to be a political leader in Russia. They never know when
23408 they're being taped.
23411 I love America. You always hurt the one you love.
23412 -- David Frye impersonating Nixon
23414 I would rather be a serf in a poor man's house
23415 and be above ground than reign among the dead.
23416 -- Achilles, "The Odyssey", XI, 489-91
23418 I would rather say that a desire to drive fast
23419 sports cars is what sets man apart from the animals.
23421 I wouldn't be so paranoid if you weren't all out to get me!!
23423 I wouldn't marry her with a ten foot pole.
23425 I wouldn't recommend sex, drugs or insanity
23426 for everyone, but they've always worked for me.
23427 -- Hunter S. Thompson
23429 I wrecked trains because I like to see people die. I like to hear
23431 -- Sylvestre Matuschka, "the Hungarian Train Wreck Freak",
23432 escaped prison 1937, not heard from since
23448 [Internation Business Machines Corp.] Also known as Itty Bitty
23449 Machines or The Lawyer's Friend. The dominant force in computer
23450 marketing, having supplied worldwide some 75% of all known hardware
23451 and 10% of all software. To protect itself from the litigious envy
23452 of less successful organizations, such as the US government, IBM
23453 employs 68% of all known ex-Attorneys' General.
23457 Idiots Become Managers
23459 Impossible to Buy Machine
23460 Incredibly Big Machine
23461 Industry's Biggest Mistake
23462 International Brotherhood of Mercenaries
23463 It Boggles the Mind
23464 It's Better Manually
23465 Itty-Bitty Machines
23467 IBM Advanced Systems Group -- a bunch of mindless jerks,
23468 who'll be first against the wall when the revolution comes...
23469 -- with regrets to D. Adams
23472 Its syntax worse than JOSS;
23473 And everywhere this language went,
23474 It was a total loss.
23476 IBM: It may be slow, but it's hard to use.
23478 IBM Pollyanna Principle:
23479 Machines should work. People should think.
23481 IBM's original motto:
23482 Cogito ergo vendo; vendo ergo sum.
23484 I'd be a poorer man if I'd never seen an eagle fly.
23487 [I saw an eagle fly once. Fortunately, I had my eagle fly swatter handy. Ed.]
23489 I'd give my right arm to be ambidextrous.
23491 I'd horsewhip you if I had a horse.
23494 I'd just as soon kiss a Wookiee.
23495 -- Princess Leia Organa
23497 I'D LIKE TO BE BURIED INDIAN-STYLE, where they put you up on a high rack,
23498 above the ground. That way, you could get hit by meteorites and not even
23500 -- Jack Handley, The New Mexican, 1988.
23502 I'd like to meet the guy who invented beer and see what he's working on now.
23504 I'd like to see the government get out of war altogether and leave the
23505 whole field to private industry.
23508 I'd love to kiss you, but I just washed my hair.
23509 -- Bette Davis, "Cabin in the Cotton"
23511 I'd never cry if I did find
23512 A blue whale in my soup...
23513 Nor would I mind a porcupine
23514 Inside a chicken coop.
23515 Yes life is fine when things combine,
23516 Like ham in beef chow mein...
23517 But lord, this time I think I mind,
23518 They've put acid in my rain.
23521 I'd never join any club that would have the likes of me as a member.
23524 I'd probably settle for a vampire if he were romantic enough.
23525 Couldn't be any worse than some of the relationships I've had.
23528 I'd rather be led to hell than managed to heavan.
23530 I'd rather have a free bottle in front of me than a prefrontal lobotomy.
23533 [Also attributed to S. Clay Wilson. Ed.]
23535 I'd rather have two girls at 21 each than one girl at 42.
23538 I'd rather just believe that it's done by little elves running around.
23540 I'd rather laugh with the sinners,
23541 Than cry with the saints,
23542 The sinners are much more fun!
23543 -- Billy Joel, "Only The Good Die Young"
23545 I'd rather push my Harley than ride a rice burner.
23547 Identify your visitor.
23550 The part of the envelope that tells a person where to place
23551 the stamp when they can't quite figure it out for themselves.
23552 -- "Sniglets", Rich Hall & Friends
23555 The part of the envelope that tells a person where to place the
23556 stamp when they can't quite figure it out for themselves.
23557 -- Rich Hall, "Sniglets"
23560 A member of a large and powerful tribe whose influence
23561 in human affairs has always been dominant and controlling.
23564 Leisure gone to seed.
23566 Idleness is the holiday of fools.
23568 If A = B and B = C, then A = C, except where void or prohibited by law.
23571 If a camel is a horse designed by a committee, then a consensus forecast
23572 is a camel's behind.
23573 -- Edgar R. Fiedler
23575 If a can of Alpo costs 38 cents, would it cost $2.50 in Dog Dollars?
23577 If a child annoys you, quiet him by brushing their hair. If this doesn't
23578 work, use the other side of the brush on the other end of the child.
23580 If A fool persists in his folly he shall become wise.
23583 If a group of N persons implements a COBOL compiler,
23584 there will be N-1 passes. Someone in the group has to be the manager.
23587 If a guru falls in the forest with no one to hear him, was he
23588 really a guru at all?
23589 -- Strange de Jim, "The Metasexuals"
23591 If a jury in a criminal trial stays out for more than twenty-four hours, it
23592 is certain to vote acquittal, save in those instances where it votes guilty.
23593 -- Joseph C. Goulden
23595 IF A KID ASKS YOU where rain comes from, I think a cute thing to tell him
23596 is, "God is crying." And if he asks why God is crying, another cute thing
23597 to tell him is, "Probably because of something you did."
23598 -- Jack Handley, The New Mexican, 1988.
23600 If a listener nods his head when you're
23601 explaining your program, wake him up.
23603 If a man has a strong faith he can indulge in the luxury of skepticism.
23604 -- Friedrich Nietzsche
23606 If a man has talent and cannot use it, he has failed.
23609 If a man is not a liberal at 25, he has no heart.
23610 If he's not a conservative by 45, he has no brain.
23612 If a man loses his reverence for any part of life,
23613 he will lose his reverence for all of life.
23614 -- Albert Schweitzer
23616 If a man stay away from his wife for seven years, the law presumes the
23617 separation to have killed him; yet according to our daily experience,
23618 it might well prolong his life.
23619 -- Charles Darling, "Scintillae Juris, 1877
23621 If a nation expects to be ignorant and free,
23622 ... it expects what never was and never will be.
23623 -- Thomas Jefferson
23625 If a nation values anything more than freedom, it will lose its freedom;
23626 and the irony of it is that if it is comfort or money it values more, it
23627 will lose that, too.
23628 -- W. Somerset Maugham
23630 If a person (a) is poorly, (b) receives treatment intended to make him better,
23631 and (c) gets better, then no power of reasoning known to medical science can
23632 convince him that it may not have been the treatment that restored his health.
23633 -- Sir Peter Medawar, "The Art of the Soluble"
23635 If a putt passes over the hole without dropping, it is deemed to have dropped.
23636 The law of gravity holds that any object attempting to maintain a position
23637 in the atmosphere without something to support it must drop. The law of
23638 gravity supercedes the law of golf.
23641 If a shameless woman expects to be defiled and then dies of her fierce
23642 love because you do not consent, will chastity also be homicide?
23645 If a small child asks you where rain comes from, I think a reasonable response
23646 is simply that "God is crying." And, if he asks you why God is crying, the
23647 only possible answer is "Probably because of something you did."
23649 If a subordinate asks you a pertinent question,
23650 look at him as if he had lost his senses.
23651 When he looks down, paraphrase the question back at him.
23653 If a system is administered wisely,
23654 its users will be content.
23655 They enjoy hacking their code
23656 and don't waste time implementing
23657 labor-saving shell scripts.
23658 Since they dearly love their accounts,
23659 they aren't interested in other machines.
23660 There may be telnet, rlogin, and ftp,
23661 but these don't access any hosts.
23662 There may be an arsenal of cracks and malware,
23663 but nobody ever uses them.
23664 People enjoy reading their mail,
23665 take pleasure in being with their newsgroups,
23666 spend weekends working at their terminals,
23667 delight in the doings at the site.
23668 And even though the next system is so close
23669 that users can hear its key clicks and biff beeps,
23670 they are content to die of old age
23671 without ever having gone to see it.
23673 If a team is in a positive frame of mind, it will have a good attitude.
23674 If it has a good attitude, it will make a commitment to playing the
23675 game right. If it plays the game right, it will win -- unless, of
23676 course, it doesn't have enough talent to win, and no manager can make
23677 goose-liver pate out of goose feathers, so why worry?
23680 If a thing's worth doing, it is worth doing badly.
23683 If a thing's worth having, it's worth cheating for.
23686 If a train station is a place where a train stops, what's a workstation?
23688 If addiction is judged by how long a dumb animal will sit pressing a lever
23689 to get a "fix" of something, to its own detriment, then I would conclude
23690 that netnews is far more addictive than cocaine.
23693 If all be true that I do think,
23694 There be five reasons why one should drink;
23695 Good friends, good wine, or being dry,
23696 Or lest we should be by-and-by,
23697 Or any other reason why.
23699 If all else fails, immortality can always be assured by spectacular error.
23700 -- John Kenneth Galbraith
23702 If all else fails, lower your standards.
23704 If all men were brothers, would you let one marry your sister?
23706 If all the girls who attended the Yale prom were laid end to end -- I
23707 wouldn't be a bit surprised.
23710 If all the seas were ink,
23711 And all the reeds were pens,
23712 And all the skies were parchment,
23713 And all the men could write,
23714 These would not suffice
23715 To write down all the red tape
23716 Of this Government.
23718 If all the world's a stage, I want to operate the trap door.
23721 If all the world's economists were laid end to end,
23722 we wouldn't reach a conclusion.
23725 If an average person on the subway turns to you, like an ancient mariner,
23726 and starts telling you her tale, you turn away or nod and hope she stops,
23727 not just because you fear she might be crazy. If she tells her tale on
23728 camera, you might listen. Watching strangers on television , even
23729 responding to them from a studio audience, we're disengaged - voyeurs
23730 collaborating with exhibitionists in rituals of sham community. Never
23731 have so many known so much about people for whom they cared so little.
23732 -- Wendy Kaminer commenting on testimonial television
23733 in "I'm Dysfunctional, You're Dysfunctional".
23735 If an experiment works, something has gone wrong.
23737 If an S and an I and an O and a U
23738 With an X at the end spell Su;
23739 And an E and a Y and an E spell I,
23740 Pray what is a speller to do?
23741 Then, if also an S and an I and a G
23742 And an HED spell side,
23743 There's nothing much left for a speller to do
23744 But to go commit siouxeyesighed.
23745 -- Charles Follen Adams, "An Orthographic Lament"
23747 If any demonstrator ever lays down in front of my car, it'll be the last
23748 car he ever lays down in front of.
23751 If any man wishes to be humbled and mortified,
23752 let him become president of Harvard.
23755 If anyone has seen my dog, please contact me at x2883 as soon as possible.
23756 We're offering a substantial reward. He's a sable collie, with three legs,
23757 blind in his left eye, is missing part of his right ear and the tip of his
23758 tail. He's been recently fixed. Answers to "Lucky".
23760 If anything can go wrong, it will.
23762 If at first you do succeed, try to hide your astonishment.
23764 If at first you don't succeed, destroy all evidence that you tried.
23766 If at first you don't succeed, quit; don't be a nut about success.
23768 If at first you don't succeed, redefine success.
23770 If at first you don't succeed, try, try again.
23773 If at first you don't succeed, try try again. Then quit.
23774 No use being a damn fool about it.
23776 If at first you don't succeed, try, try again.
23777 Then quit. No use being a damn fool about it.
23780 [Also attributed to Roy Mengot. Ed.]
23782 If at first you don't succeed, you must be a programmer.
23784 If at first you don't succeed, you're doing about average.
23785 -- Leonard Levinson
23787 If at first you fricasee, fry, fry again.
23789 If atheism is to be used to express the state of mind in which God is
23790 identified with the unknowable, and theology is pronounced to be a
23791 collection of meaningless words about unintelligible chimeras, then
23792 I have no doubt, and I think few people doubt, that atheists are as
23793 plentiful as blackberries.
23796 If bankers can count, how come they have
23797 eight windows and only four tellers?
23799 If Beethoven's Seventh Symphony is not by
23800 some means abridged, it will soon fall into disuse.
23801 -- Philip Hale, Boston music critic, 1837
23803 If builders built buildings the way programmers wrote programs,
23804 then the first woodpecker to come along would destroy civilization.
23806 If built in great numbers, motels will be used for nothing
23807 but illegal purposes.
23810 If Carter is the answer, it must have been a VERY silly question.
23812 If Christianity was morality, Socrates would be the Saviour.
23815 If clear thinking created sparks, we could safely store dynamite in James
23819 If coke is a joke, I'm waiting around for the next line.
23821 If computers take over (which seems to be their natural tendency), it will
23825 If dolphins are so smart, why did Flipper work for television?
23827 If England treats her criminals the way she has treated me, she doesn't
23828 deserve to have any.
23829 -- Oscar Wilde, reportedly while standing handcuffed in a
23830 driving rain, waiting for transport to prison upon his
23831 conviction for sodomy.
23833 If ever the pleasure of one has to be bought by the pain of the other,
23834 there better be no trade. A trade by which one gains and the other loses
23836 -- Dagny Taggart, "Atlas Shrugged"
23838 If ever you want to touch the hand and the heart of God Almighty, you can
23839 do it through the body of someone you love. Anytime. Anywhere. Without
23841 -- Theodore Sturgeon, "Godbody"
23843 If every kid had a funny tooth to bite down on whenever the world disappointed
23844 him, prussic acid could solve our population problems in one generation.
23845 -- G.C. Edmonson's Albert, "The Man Who Corrupted Earth"
23847 If everything on the road of life seems to
23848 be coming your way, you're in the wrong lane.
23850 If everything seems to be going well,
23851 you have obviously overlooked something.
23853 If fifty million people say a foolish thing, it's still a foolish thing.
23854 -- Bertrand Russell
23856 If food be the music of love, eat up, eat up.
23858 If for every rule there is an exception, then we have established that there
23859 is an exception to every rule. If we accept "For every rule there is an
23860 exception" as a rule, then we must concede that there may not be an exception
23861 after all, since the rule states that there is always the possibility of
23862 exception, and if we follow it to its logical end we must agree that there
23863 can be an exception to the rule that for every rule there is an exception.
23866 If God did not exist, it would be necessary to invent him.
23867 -- Voltaire, "Epitres, XCVI"
23869 If God had a beard, he'd be a UNIX programmer.
23871 If God had intended Man to program, we'd be born with serial I/O ports.
23873 If God had intended Man to Smoke, He would have set him on Fire.
23875 If God had intended man to use the metric system, Jesus
23876 would have only had ten disciples.
23878 If God had intended Man to Walk, He would have given him Feet.
23880 If God had intended Man to Watch TV, He would have given him Rabbit Ears.
23882 If God had intended Men to Smoke, He would have put Chimneys in their Heads.
23884 If God had meant for us to be in the Army,
23885 we would have been born with green, baggy skin.
23887 If God had meant for us to be naked, we would have been born that way.
23889 If God had not given us sticky tape,
23890 it would have been necessary to invent it.
23892 If God had really intended men to fly,
23893 he'd make it easier to get to the airport.
23896 If God had wanted us to be concerned for the plight of the toads, he would
23897 have made them cute and furry.
23900 If God had wanted us to use the metric system, Jesus would have had
23903 If God had wanted you to go around nude,
23904 He would have given you bigger hands.
23906 If God hadn't wanted you to be paranoid,
23907 He wouldn't have given you such a vivid imagination.
23909 If God is dead, who will save the Queen?
23911 If God is One, what is bad?
23914 If God is perfect, why did He create discontinuous functions?
23916 If God lived on Earth, people would knock out all His windows.
23919 If God wanted us to be brave, why did he give us legs?
23922 If God wanted us to have a President,
23923 He would have sent us a candidate.
23924 -- Jerry Dreshfield
23926 If graphics hackers are so smart,
23927 why can't they get the bugs out of fresh paint?
23929 If guns are outlawed, how will we shoot the liberals?
23931 If happiness is in your destiny, you need not be in a hurry.
23934 If he had only learnt a little less, how
23935 infinitely better he might have taught much more!
23937 If he once again pushes up his sleeves in order to compute for 3 days
23938 and 3 nights in a row, he will spend a quarter of an hour before to
23939 think which principles of computation shall be most appropriate.
23940 -- Voltaire, "Diatribe du docteur Akakia"
23942 If he should ever change his faith,
23943 it'll be because he no longer thinks he's God.
23945 If I cannot bend Heaven, I shall move Hell.
23946 -- Publius Vergilius Maro (Virgil)
23948 If I could read your mind, love,
23949 What a tale your thoughts could tell,
23950 Just like a paperback novel,
23951 The kind the drugstore sells,
23952 When you reach the part where the heartaches come,
23953 The hero would be me,
23955 You won't read that book again, because
23956 the ending is just too hard to take.
23958 I walk away, like a movie star,
23959 Who gets burned in a three way script,
23961 A movie queen to play the scene
23962 Of bringing all the good things out in me,
23963 But for now, love, let's be real
23964 I never thought I could act this way,
23965 And I've got to say that I just don't get it,
23966 I don't know where we went wrong but the feeling is gone
23967 And I just can't get it back...
23968 -- Gordon Lightfoot, "If You Could Read My Mind"
23970 If I could stick my pen in my heart,
23971 I would spill it all over the stage.
23972 Would it satisfy ya, would it slide on by ya,
23973 Would you think the boy was strange?
23976 If I could stick a knife in my heart,
23977 Suicide right on the stage,
23978 Would it be enough for your teenage lust,
23979 Would it help to ease the pain?
23981 -- Rolling Stones, "It's Only Rock'N Roll"
23983 If I don't drive around the park,
23984 I'm pretty sure to make my mark.
23985 If I'm in bed each night by ten,
23986 I may get back my looks again.
23987 If I abstain from fun and such,
23988 I'll probably amount to much;
23989 But I shall stay the way I am,
23990 Because I do not give a damn.
23993 If I had a formula for bypassing trouble, I would not pass it around.
23994 Trouble creates a capacity to handle it. I don't say embrace trouble; that's
23995 as bad as treating it as an enemy. But I do say meet it as a friend, for
23996 you'll see a lot of it and you had better be on speaking terms with it.
23997 -- Oliver Wendell Holmes, Jr.
23999 If *I* had a hammer, there'd be no more folk singers.
24001 IF I HAD A MINE SHAFT, I don't think I would just abandon it. There's
24002 got to be a better way.
24003 -- Jack Handley, The New Mexican, 1988.
24005 If I had a plantation in Georgia and a home in Hell,
24006 I'd sell the plantation and go home.
24007 -- Eugene P. Gallagher
24009 If I had any humility I would be perfect.
24012 If I had done everything I'm credited with, I'd be speaking to you from
24013 a laboratory jar at Harvard.
24016 AS USUAL, YOUR INFORMATION STINKS.
24017 -- Frank Sinatra, telegram to "Time" magazine
24019 If I had my life to live over, I'd try to make more mistakes next time. I
24020 would relax, I would limber up, I would be sillier than I have been this
24021 trip. I know of very few things I would take seriously. I would be crazier.
24022 I would climb more mountains, swim more rivers and watch more sunsets. I'd
24023 travel and see. I would have more actual troubles and fewer imaginary ones.
24024 You see, I am one of those people who lives prophylactically and sensibly
24025 and sanely, hour after hour, day after day. Oh, I have had my moments and,
24026 if I had it to do over again, I'd have more of them. In fact, I'd try to
24027 have nothing else. Just moments, one after another, instead of living so many
24028 years ahead each day. I have been one of those people who never go anywhere
24029 without a thermometer, a hotwater bottle, a gargle, a raincoat and a parachute.
24030 If I had it to do over again, I would go places and do things and travel
24031 lighter than I have. If I had my life to live over, I would start bare-footed
24032 earlier in the spring and stay that way later in the fall. I would play hooky
24033 more. I probably wouldn't make such good grades, but I'd learn more. I would
24034 ride on more merry-go-rounds. I'd pick more daisies.
24036 If I had only known, I would have been a locksmith.
24039 If I had to live my life again, I'd make the same mistakes, only sooner.
24040 -- Tallulah Bankhead
24042 If I have not seen so far it is because I stood in giant's footsteps.
24044 If I have seen farther than others, it is because I was standing on the
24045 shoulders of giants.
24048 In the sciences, we are now uniquely privileged to sit side by side with
24049 the giants on whose shoulders we stand.
24052 If I have not seen as far as others, it is because giants were standing on
24056 Mathematicians stand on each other's shoulders.
24059 Mathematicians stand on each other's shoulders while computer scientists
24060 stand on each other's toes.
24063 It has been said that physicists stand on one another's shoulders. If
24064 this is the case, then programmers stand on one another's toes, and
24065 software engineers dig each other's graves.
24068 If I have to lay an egg for my country, I'll do it.
24071 If I knew what brand [of whiskey] he drinks,
24072 I would send a barrel or so to my other generals.
24073 -- Abraham Lincoln, on General Grant
24075 If I love you, what business is it of yours?
24078 If I love you, what business is it of yours?
24079 -- Johann van Goethe
24081 If I made peace with Russia today, I'd only attack her again tomorrow. I
24082 just couldn't help myself.
24085 If I promised you the moon and the stars, would you believe it?
24086 -- Alan Parsons Project
24088 If I set here and stare at nothing long enough, people might think
24089 I'm an engineer working on something.
24092 If I told you you had a beautiful body, would you hold it against me?
24094 If I traveled to the end of the rainbow
24095 As Dame Fortune did intend,
24096 Murphy would be there to tell me
24097 The pot's at the other end.
24100 If I want your opinion, I'll ask you to fill out the necessary form.
24102 If I were a grave-digger or even a hangman, there are some people I could
24103 work for with a great deal of enjoyment.
24106 If I were to walk on water, the press would say I'm only doing it
24107 because I can't swim.
24110 If I'd known computer science was going to be like this,
24111 I'd never have given up being a rock 'n' roll star.
24114 If I'm over the hill, why is it I don't recall ever being on top?
24117 If in any problem you find yourself doing an immense amount of work, the
24118 answer can be obtained by simple inspection.
24120 If in doubt, mumble.
24122 If it ain't baroque, don't fix it.
24124 If it ain't broke, don't fix it.
24126 If it doesn't smell yet, it's pretty fresh.
24127 -- Dave Johnson, on dead seagulls
24129 If it happens once, it's a bug.
24130 If it happens twice, it's a feature.
24131 If it happens more than twice, it's a design philosophy.
24133 If it has syntax, it isn't user-friendly.
24135 If it heals good, say it.
24137 If it is a Miracle, any sort of evidence will
24138 answer, but if it is a Fact, proof is necessary.
24141 If it pours before seven, it has rained by eleven.
24143 If it smells it's chemistry, if it crawls it's biology, if it doesn't work
24146 If it takes a bloodbath, lets get it over with. No more appeasement.
24149 If it wasn't for Newton, we wouldn't have to eat bruised apples.
24151 If it wasn't for the last minute, nothing would get done.
24153 If it wasn't so warm out today, it would be cooler.
24155 If it were not for the presents, an elopment would be preferable.
24156 -- George Ade, "Forty Modern Fables"
24158 If it were thought that anything I wrote was influenced by Robert Frost,
24159 I would take that particular work of mine, shred it, and flush it down
24160 the toilet, hoping not to clog the pipes. A more sententious, holding-
24161 forth old bore who expected every hero-worshiping adenoidal little twerp
24162 of a student-poet to hang on to his every word I never saw.
24165 If it weren't for the last minute, nothing would ever get done.
24167 If it's green or wiggles, it's biology.
24168 If it stinks, it's chemistry.
24169 If it doesn't work, it's physics.
24171 If it's not in the computer, it doesn't exist.
24173 If it's Tuesday, this must be someone else's fortune.
24175 If it's worth doing, do it for money.
24177 If it's worth doing, it's worth doing for money.
24179 If it's worth hacking on well, it's worth hacking on for money.
24181 If Jesus Christ were to come today, people would not even crucify him.
24182 They would ask him to dinner, and hear what he had to say, and make
24186 If just one piece of mail gets lost, well, they'll just think they forgot to
24187 send it. But if *two* pieces of mail get lost, hell, they'll just think the
24188 other guy hasn't gotten around to answering his mail. And if *fifty* pieces
24189 of mail get lost, can you imagine it, if *fifty* pieces of mail get lost, why
24190 they'll think something *else* is broken! And if 1Gb of mail gets lost,
24191 they'll just *know* that uunet is down and think it's a conspiracy to keep
24192 them from their God given right to receive Net Mail ...
24193 -- Leith (Casey) Leedom, apologies to Arlo Guthrie
24195 If Karl, instead of writing a lot about Capital,
24196 had made a lot of Capital, it would have been much better.
24197 -- Karl Marx's Mother
24199 If life gives you lemons, make lemonade.
24201 If life is a stage, I want some better lighting.
24203 If life is merely a joke, the question
24204 still remains: for whose amusement?
24206 If life isn't what you wanted, have you asked for anything else?
24208 If little green men land in your back yard, hide any little green women
24209 you've got in the house.
24210 -- Mike Harding, "The Armchair Anarchist's Almanac"
24212 If love is the answer, could you rephrase the question?
24215 If Love Were Oil, I'd Be About A Quart Low
24216 -- Book title by Lewis Grizzard
24218 If Machiavelli were a hacker, he'd have worked for the CSSG.
24221 If Machiavelli were a programmer, he'd have worked for AT&T.
24223 If man is only a little lower than the angels, the angels should reform.
24224 -- Mary Wilson Little
24226 If mathematically you end up with the wrong
24227 answer, try multiplying by the page number.
24229 If men acted after marriage as they do during courtship, there would
24230 be fewer divorces -- and more bankruptcies.
24233 If men are not afraid to die,
24234 it is of no avail to threaten them with death.
24236 If men live in constant fear of dying,
24237 And if breaking the law means a man will be killed,
24238 Who will dare to break the law?
24240 There is always an official executioner.
24241 If you try to take his place,
24242 It is like trying to be a master carpenter and cutting wood.
24243 If you try to cut wood like a master carpenter,
24244 you will only hurt your hand.
24245 -- Tao Te Ching, "Lao Tsu, #74"
24247 If more of us valued food and cheer and song above hoarded gold, it would
24248 be a merrier world.
24251 If once a man indulges himself in murder, very soon he comes to think little
24252 of robbing; and from robbing he next comes to drinking and Sabbath-breaking,
24253 and from that to incivility and procrastination.
24254 -- Thomas De Quincey (1785 - 1859)
24256 If once a man indulges himself in murder, very soon he comes to think
24257 little of robbing; and from robbing he next comes to drinking and
24258 Sabbath-breaking, and from that to incivility and procrastination.
24259 -- Thomas De Quincey
24261 If one cannot enjoy reading a book over and
24262 over again, there is no use in reading it at all.
24265 If one inquires why the American tradition is so strong against any connection
24266 of State and Church, why it dreads even the rudiments of religious teaching
24267 in state-maintained schools, the immediate and superficial answer is not
24268 far to seek. ... The cause lay largely in the diversity and vitality of the
24269 various denominations, each fairly sure that, with a fair field and no favor,
24270 it could make its own way; and each animated by a jealous fear that, if any
24271 connection of State and Church were permitted, some rival denomination would
24272 get an unfair advantage.
24273 -- John Dewey, "Democracy in the Schools", 1908
24275 If one tells the truth, one is sure, sooner or later, to be found out.
24276 -- Oscar Wilde, "Phrases and Philosophies for the Use
24279 If only Dionysus were alive! Where would he eat?
24282 If only God would give me some clear sign!
24283 Like making a large deposit in my name at a Swiss bank.
24284 -- Woody Allen, "Without Feathers"
24286 If only one could get that wonderful feeling of
24287 accomplishment without having to accomplish anything.
24289 If only you could be respected without having to be respectable.
24291 If only you had a personality instead of an attitude.
24293 If only you knew she loved you, you could
24294 face the uncertainty of whether you love her.
24296 If opportunity came disguised as temptation, one knock would be enough.
24298 If parents would only realize how they bore their children.
24301 If people are good only because they fear punishment, and hope for reward,
24302 then we are a sorry lot indeed.
24305 If people concentrated on the really important things in life,
24306 there'd be a shortage of fishing poles.
24309 If people drank ink instead of Schlitz, they'd be better off.
24310 -- Edward E. Hippensteel
24312 [What brand of ink? Ed.]
24314 If people have to choose between freedom and sandwiches, they
24315 will take sandwiches.
24318 Eats first, morals after.
24319 -- Bertolt Brecht, "The Threepenny Opera"
24321 If people say that here and there someone has been taken away and maltreated,
24322 I can only reply: You can't make an omelette without breaking eggs.
24325 If people see that you mean them no harm,
24326 they'll never hurt you, nine times out of ten!
24328 If practice makes perfect, and nobody's perfect, why practice?
24330 If pregnancy were a book they would cut the last two chapters.
24331 -- Nora Ephron, "Heartburn"
24333 If pro is the opposite of con, what is the opposite of progress?
24335 If puns were deli meat, this would be the wurst.
24337 If rabbits feet are so lucky, what happened to the rabbit?
24339 If reporters don't know that truth is plural, they ought to be lawyers.
24342 If researchers wrote nursery rhymes...
24344 Little Miss Muffet sat on her gluteal region,
24345 Eating components of soured milk.
24346 On at least one occasion,
24347 along came an arachnid and sat down beside her,
24348 Or at least in her vicinity,
24349 And caused her to feel an overwhelming, but not paralyzing, fear,
24350 Which motivated the patient to leave the area rather quickly.
24351 -- Ann Melugin Williams
24353 If Ricky Schroder and Gary Coleman had a fight on television with
24354 pool cues, who would win?
24357 3) The television viewing public
24360 If scientific reasoning were limited to the logical processes of
24361 arithmetic, we should not get very far in our understanding of the physical
24362 world. One might as well attempt to grasp the game of poker entirely by
24363 the use of the mathematics of probability.
24366 If sex is such a natural phenomenon, how come there are so many
24370 If she had not been cupric in her ions,
24372 Their romance might have flourished.
24373 But he built tetrahedral in his shape,
24375 Love could not help but die,
24376 Uncatalyzed, inert, and undernourished.
24378 If society fits you comfortably enough, you call it freedom.
24381 If some people didn't tell you,
24382 you'd never know they'd been away on vacation.
24384 If someone had told me I would be Pope
24385 one day, I would have studied harder.
24386 -- Pope John Paul I
24388 If someone says he will do something "without fail", he won't.
24390 If something has not yet gone wrong then it would
24391 ultimately have been beneficial for it to go wrong.
24393 If swimming is so good for your figure, how come whales look the
24396 If the American dream is for Americans only, it will remain our dream
24397 and never be our destiny.
24398 -- Rene de Visme Williamson
24400 If the automobile had followed the same development as the computer, a
24401 Rolls-Royce would today cost $100, get a million miles per per gallon,
24402 and explode once a year killing everyone inside.
24403 -- Robert Cringely, InfoWorld
24405 If the church put in half the time on covetousness that it does on lust,
24406 this would be a better world.
24407 -- Garrison Keillor, "Lake Wobegon Days"
24409 If the code and the comments disagree, then both are probably wrong.
24412 If the colleges were better, if they really had it, you would need to get
24413 the police at the gates to keep order in the inrushing multitude. See in
24414 college how we thwart the natural love of learning by leaving the natural
24415 method of teaching what each wishes to learn, and insisting that you shall
24416 learn what you have no taste or capacity for. The college, which should
24417 be a place of delightful labor, is made odious and unhealthy, and the
24418 young men are tempted to frivolous amusements to rally their jaded spirits.
24419 I would have the studies elective. Scholarship is to be created not
24420 by compulsion, but by awakening a pure interest in knowledge. The wise
24421 instructor accomplishes this by opening to his pupils precisely the
24422 attractions the study has for himself. The marking is a system for schools,
24423 not for the college; for boys, not for men; and it is an ungracious work to
24424 put on a professor.
24425 -- Ralph Waldo Emerson
24427 If the designers of X-window built cars, there would be no fewer than five
24428 steering wheels hidden about the cockpit, none of which followed the same
24429 principles -- but you'd be able to shift gears with your car stereo. Useful
24431 -- From the programming notebooks of a heretic, 1990.
24433 If the ends don't justify the means, then what does?
24436 If the English language made any sense, lackadaisical
24437 would have something to do with a shortage of flowers.
24440 [Not to mention, butterfly would be flutterby. Ed.]
24442 If the facts don't fit the theory, change the facts.
24445 If the future isn't what it used to be, does that
24446 mean that the past is subject to change in times to come?
24448 If the girl you love moves in with another guy once, it's more than enough.
24449 Twice, it's much too much. Three times, it's the story of your life.
24451 If the government doesn't trust the people, why
24452 doesn't it dissolve them and elect a new people?
24454 If the grass is greener on other side of fence,
24455 consider what may be fertilizing it.
24457 If the human brain were so simple that we could understand it,
24458 we would be so simple we couldn't.
24460 If the Lord God Almighty had consulted me before embarking upon the Creation,
24461 I would have recommended something simpler.
24462 -- Alfonso the Wise, 13th Century King of Castile,
24463 Commenting on the Almagest, by Ptolemy.
24465 If the master dies and the disciple grieves,
24466 the lives of both have been wasted.
24468 If the meanings of "true" and "false" were switched,
24469 then this sentence would not be false.
24471 If the Nazi's had television with satellite technology, we'd all be
24472 goose-stepping. Americans are just as suggestible.
24475 If the odds are a million to one against something
24476 occurring, chances are 50-50 it will.
24478 If the path be beautiful, let us not ask where it leads.
24481 If the rich could pay the poor to die for them,
24482 what a living the poor could make!
24484 If the shoe fits, it's ugly.
24486 If the thunder don't get you, then the lightning will.
24488 If the vendors started doing everything right, we would be out of a job.
24489 Let's hear it for OSI and X! With those babies in the wings, we can count
24490 on being employed until we drop, or get smart and switch to gardening,
24491 paper folding, or something.
24494 If the very old will remember, the very young will listen.
24495 -- Chief Dan George
24497 If the weather is extremely bad, church attendance will be down.
24498 If the weather is extremely good, church attendance will be down.
24499 If the bulletin covers are in short supply, however,
24500 church attendance will exceed all expectations.
24501 -- Reverend Chichester
24503 If there are epigrams, there must be meta-epigrams.
24505 If there is a possibility of several things going wrong,
24506 the one that will cause the most damage will be the one to go wrong.
24508 If you perceive that there are four possible ways in which a procedure
24509 can go wrong, and circumvent these, then a fifth way will promptly develop.
24511 If there is a sin against life, it consists perhaps not so much in despairing
24512 of life as in hoping for another life and in eluding the implacable grandeur
24516 If there is a wrong way to do something, then someone will do it.
24517 -- Edward A. Murphy Jr.
24519 If there is any realistic deterrent to marriage, it's the fact that you
24520 can't afford divorce.
24523 If there is no God, who pops up the next Kleenex?
24526 If there is no wind, row.
24529 If there really was a Jewish conspiracy to run the world, my rabbi would
24530 have let me in on it by now. I contribute enough to the shule.
24533 If there was in justice in the world, "trust" would be a four-letter word.
24535 If there were a school for, say, sheet metal workers, that after three
24536 years left its graduates as unprepared for their careers as does law
24537 school, it would be closed down in a minute, and no doubt by lawyers.
24538 -- Michael Levin, "The Socratic Method
24540 If they sent one man to the moon, why can't they send them all?
24542 If they think you're crude, go technical; if they think you're technical,
24543 go crude. I'm a very technical boy. So I get as crude as possible. These
24544 days, though, you have to be pretty technical before you can even aspire
24548 If they were so inclined, they could impeach
24549 him because they don't like his necktie.
24550 -- Attorney General William Saxbe
24552 If things don't improve soon, you'd better ask them to stop helping you.
24554 If this fortune didn't exist, somebody would have invented it.
24556 If this is timesharing, give me my share right now.
24559 If time heals all wounds, how come the belly button stays the same?
24561 If truth is beauty, how come no one has their hair done in the library?
24564 If two men agree on everything, you may be sure that one of them is
24565 doing the thinking.
24566 -- Lyndon B. Johnson
24568 Jerry Ford is a nice guy, but he played too much football with his
24570 -- Lyndon B. Johnson
24572 I do not believe that this generation of Americans is willing to resign
24573 itself to going to bed each night by the light of a Communist moon.
24574 -- Lyndon B. Johnson
24576 If two people love each other, there can be no happy end to it.
24577 -- Ernest Hemingway
24579 If two wrongs don't make a right, try three wrongs.
24581 If voting could change the system, it would be illegal.
24582 If not voting could change the system, it would be illegal.
24584 If we all work together, we can totally disrupt the system.
24586 If we can ever make red tape nutritional, we can feed the world.
24587 -- R. Schaeberle, "Management Accounting"
24589 If we could sell our experiences for what they cost us, we would
24590 all be millionaires.
24591 -- Abigail Van Buren
24593 If we do not change our direction we are
24594 likely to end up where we are headed.
24596 If we don't survive, we don't do anything else.
24599 If we men married the women we deserved, we should have a very bad time
24603 "If we relied conclusively on scientific data for every one of our
24604 findings, I'm afraid all of our work would be inconclusive."
24605 -- Henry Hudson, of the Meese Pornography Commission, on
24606 criticism of its conclusion that pornography causes sex
24609 If we see the light at the end of the tunnel
24610 It's the light of an oncoming train.
24613 If we spoke a different language, we
24614 would perceive a somewhat different world.
24617 If we suffer tamely a lawless attack upon our liberty,
24618 we encourage it, and involve others in our doom.
24621 If we were meant to get up early, God would have created us
24624 If we won't stand together, we don't stand a chance.
24626 If what they've been doing hasn't solved the problem, tell them to
24628 -- Gerald Weinberg, "The Secrets of Consulting"
24630 If while you are in school, there is a shortage of qualified personnel
24631 in a particular field, then by the time you graduate with the necessary
24632 qualifications, that field's employment market is glutted.
24633 -- Marguerite Emmons
24635 If wishes were horses, then beggars would be thieves.
24637 If women are supposed to be less rational and more emotional at the
24638 beginning of our menstrual cycle, when the female hormone is at its
24639 lowest level, then why isn't it logical to say that in those few days
24640 women behave the most like the way men behave all month long?
24643 If women didn't exist, all the money in the world would have no meaning.
24644 -- Aristotle Onassis
24646 If you always postpone pleasure you will never have it.
24647 Quit work and play for once!
24649 If you analyse anything, you destroy it.
24652 If you are a police dog, where's your badge?
24653 -- Question James Thurber used to drive his German Shepherd
24656 If you are afraid of loneliness, don't marry.
24659 If you are afraid of loneliness, don't marry.
24662 If you are going to walk on thin ice, you may as well dance.
24664 If you are good, you will be assigned all the work. If you are real
24665 good, you will get out of it.
24667 If you are honest because honesty is the best policy,
24668 your honesty is corrupt.
24670 If you are looking for a kindly, well-to-do older gentleman who is no
24671 longer interested in sex, take out an ad in The Wall Street Journal.
24672 -- Abigail Van Buren
24674 If you are not for yourself, who will be for you?
24675 If you are for yourself, then what are you?
24678 If you are of the opinion that the contemplation of suicide is sufficient
24679 evidence of a poetic nature, do not forget that actions speak louder than
24681 -- Fran Lebowitz, "Metropolitan Life"
24683 If you are of the opinion that the contemplation of suicide is
24684 sufficient evidence of a poetic nature, do not forget that actions
24685 speak louder than words.
24688 If you are over 80 years old and accompanied
24689 by your parents, we will cash your check.
24691 If you are shooting under 80 you are neglecting your business;
24692 over 80 you are neglecting your golf.
24695 If you are smart enough to know that you're not
24696 smart enough to be an Engineer, then you're in Business.
24698 If you are too busy to read, then you are too busy.
24700 If you are what you eat, does that mean Euelle Gibbons really was a nut?
24702 If you aren't rich you should always look useful.
24703 -- Louis-Ferdinand Celine
24705 If you can count your money, you don't have a billion dollars.
24708 If you can keep your head when all about you are losing
24709 theirs, then you clearly don't understand the situation.
24711 If you can lead it to water and force it to drink, it isn't a horse.
24713 If you can survive death, you can probably survive anything.
24715 If you cannot convince them, confuse them.
24718 If you cannot in the long run tell everyone
24719 what you have been doing, your doing was worthless.
24720 -- Edwim Schrodinger
24722 If you can't be good, be careful.
24723 If you can't be careful, give me a call.
24725 If you can't convince them, confuse them.
24728 If you can't get your work done in the first 24 hours, work nights.
24730 If you can't learn to do it well, learn to enjoy doing it badly.
24732 If you can't read this, blame a teacher.
24734 If you can't say anything good about someone, sit right here by me.
24735 -- Alice Roosevelt Longworth
24737 If you can't understand it, it is intuitively obvious.
24739 If you catch a man, throw him back.
24740 -- Woman's Liberation Slogan, c. 1975
24742 If you continually give you will continually have.
24744 If you could only get that wonderful feeling of
24745 accomplishment without having to accomplish anything.
24747 If you didn't get caught, did you really do it?
24749 If you didn't have most of your friends,
24750 you wouldn't have most of your problems.
24752 If you didn't have to work so hard,
24753 you'd have more time to be depressed.
24755 If you do not think about the future, you cannot have one.
24758 If you do not wish a man to do a thing, you had better get him to talk about
24759 it; for the more men talk, the more likely they are to do nothing else.
24762 If you do something right once, someone will ask you to do it again.
24764 If you don't care where you are, then you ain't lost.
24766 If you don't count some of Jehovah's injunctions, there are no humorists
24768 -- Mordecai Richler
24770 If you don't do it, you'll never know what
24771 would have happened if you had done it.
24773 If you don't do the things that are not worth doing, who will?
24775 If you don't drink it, someone else will.
24777 If you don't go to other men's funerals they won't go to yours.
24780 If you don't have the time right now,
24781 will you have redo right time later?
24783 If you don't have time to do it right, where
24784 are you going to find the time to do it over?
24786 If you don't know what game you're playing, don't ask what the score is.
24788 If you don't like the way I drive, stay off the sidewalk!
24790 If you don't say anything, you won't be called on to repeat it.
24793 If you don't strike oil in twenty minutes, stop boring.
24794 -- Andrew Carnegie, on public speaking
24796 If you drink, don't park. Accidents make people.
24798 If you ever want to have a lot of fun, I recommend that you go off and program
24799 an embedded system. The salient characteristic of an embedded system is that
24800 it cannot be allowed to get into a state from which only direct intervention
24801 will suffice to remove it. An embedded system can't permanently trust anything
24802 it hears from the outside world. It must sniff around, adapt, consider, sniff
24803 around, and adapt again. I'm not talking about ordinary modular programming
24804 carefulness here. No. Programming an embedded system calls for undiluted
24805 raging maniacal paranoia. For example, our ethernet front ends need to know
24806 what network number they are on so that they can address and route PUPs
24807 properly. How do you find out what your network number is? Easy, you ask a
24808 gateway. Gateways are required by definition to know their correct network
24809 numbers. Once you've got your network number, you start using it and before
24810 you can blink you've got it wired into fifteen different sockets spread all
24811 over creation. Now what happens when the panic-stricken operator realizes he
24812 was running the wrong version of the gateway which was giving out the wrong
24813 network number? Never supposed to happen. Tough. Supposing that your
24814 software discovers that the gateway is now giving out a different network
24815 number than before, what's it supposed to do about it? This is not discussed
24816 in the protocol document. Never supposed to happen. Tough. I think you
24819 If you explain something so clearly that no
24820 one can possibly misunderstand, someone will.
24822 If you fail to plan, plan to fail.
24824 If you find a solution and become attached to it,
24825 the solution may become your next problem.
24827 If you flaunt it, expect to have it trashed.
24829 If you float on instinct alone, how can you
24830 calculate the buoyancy for the computed load?
24831 -- Christopher Hodder-Williams
24833 If you fool around with something long
24834 enough, it will eventually break.
24836 If you give a man enough rope, he'll claim he's tied up at the office.
24838 If you give Congress a chance to vote on
24839 both sides of an issue, it will always do it.
24840 -- Les Aspin, D, Wisconsin
24842 If you go on with this nuclear arms race,
24843 all you are going to do is make the rubble bounce.
24844 -- Winston Churchill
24846 If you go out of your mind, do it quietly,
24847 so as not to disturb those around you.
24849 If you go parachuting, and your parachute doesn't open, and your friends are
24850 all watching you fall, I think a funny gag would be to pretend you were
24854 If you had better tools, you could more
24855 effectively demonstrate your total incompetence.
24857 If you had just one moment to live
24858 And they granted you one special wish
24859 Would you ask for something
24860 Like another chance.
24861 -- Traffic, "The Low Spark of Hi Heeled Boys"
24863 If you hands are clean and your cause is just
24864 and your demands are reasonable, at least it's a start.
24866 If you have a procedure with 10 parameters, you probably missed some.
24868 If you have never been hated by your child, you have never been a parent.
24871 If you have nothing to do, don't do it here.
24873 If you have received a letter inviting you to speak at the dedication of a
24874 new cat hospital, and you hate cats, your reply, declining the invitation,
24875 does not necessarily have to cover the full range of your emotions. You must
24876 make it clear that you will not attend, but you do not have to let fly at cats.
24877 The writer of the letter asked a civil question; attack cats, then, only if
24878 you can do so with good humor, good taste, and in such a way that your answer
24879 will be courteous as well as responsive. Since you are out of sympathy with
24880 cats, you may quite properly give this as a reason for not appearing at the
24881 dedication ceremonies of a cat hospital. But bear in mind that your opinion
24882 of cats was not sought, only your services as a speaker. Try to keep things
24884 -- Strunk and White, "The Elements of Style"
24886 If you have seen one city slum you have seen them all.
24889 If you have to ask how much it is, you can't afford it.
24891 If you have to ask what jazz is, you'll never know.
24894 If you have to hate, hate gently.
24896 If you have to think twice about it, you're wrong.
24898 If you haven't enjoyed the material in the last few lectures then a career
24899 in chartered accountancy beckons.
24900 -- Advice from the lecturer in the middle of the Stochastic
24903 If you hype something and it succeeds, you're a genius -- it wasn't a
24904 hype. If you hype it and it fails, then it was just a hype.
24907 If you just try long enough and hard enough, you can always manage to boot
24908 yourself in the posterior.
24909 -- A.J. Liebling, "The Press"
24911 If you just try long enough and hard enough, you can always manage to
24912 boot yourself in the posterior.
24915 If you keep an open mind people will throw a lot of garbage in it.
24917 If you keep your mind sufficiently open, people will throw a lot of
24921 If you knew what to say next, would you say it?
24923 If you know the answer to a question, don't ask.
24926 If you laid all of our laws end to end, there would be no end.
24929 If you laid all the Elvis impersonators in the world, end to end...
24930 you'd wanna run and get a steam roller, real fast.
24933 If you learn one useless thing every day, in a single year you'll learn
24934 365 useless things.
24936 If you liked the Earth you'll love Heaven.
24938 If you live in a country run by committee, be on the committee.
24941 If you live long enough, you'll see that every victory turns into a defeat.
24942 -- Simone De Beauvoir
24944 If you live to the age of a hundred you have it made
24945 because very few people die past the age of a hundred.
24948 If you lived today as if it were your last, you'd buy up a box of rockets
24949 and fire them all off, wouldn't you?
24950 -- Garrison Keillor
24952 If you look good and dress well, you don't need a purpose in life.
24953 -- Robert Pante, fashion consultant
24955 If you look like your driver's license photo -- see a doctor.
24956 If you look like your passport photo -- it's too late for a doctor.
24958 If you lose a son you can always get another,
24959 but there's only one Maltese Falcon.
24960 -- Sidney Greenstreet, "The Maltese Falcon"
24962 If you lose your temper at a newspaper columnist, he'll get rich,
24965 If you love someone, set them free.
24966 If they don't come back, then call them up when you're drunk.
24968 If you love something set it free. If it doesn't
24969 come back to you, hunt it down and kill it.
24971 If you make a mistake you right it
24972 immediately to the best of your ability.
24974 If you make any money, the government shoves you in the creek once a year
24975 with it in your pockets, and all that don't get wet you can keep.
24976 -- The Best of Will Rogers
24978 If you make people think they're thinking, they'll love you;
24979 but if you really make them think they'll hate you.
24981 If you marry a man who cheats on his wife, you'll
24982 be married to a man who cheats on his wife.
24985 If you meet somebody who tells you that he loves you more than anybody
24986 in the whole wide world, don't trust him. It means he experiments.
24988 If you mess with a thing long enough, it'll break.
24991 If you MUST get married, it is always advisable to marry beauty.
24992 Otherwise, you'll never find anybody to take her off your hands.
24994 If you need anything just whistle.
24995 You know how to whistle, don't you, Steve?
24996 Just put your lips together and blow.
24997 -- Lauren Bacall, "To Have and Have Not"
24999 If you notice that a person is deceiving you,
25000 they must not be deceiving you very well.
25002 If you pick up a starving dog and make him prosperous, he will not
25003 bite you; that is the principal difference between a dog and a man.
25006 If you push the "extra ice" button on the soft drink vending machine,
25007 you won't get any ice. If you push the "no ice" button, you'll get
25010 If you put it off long enough, it might go away.
25012 If you put tomfoolery into a computer, nothing comes out but tomfoolery.
25013 But this tomfoolery, having passed through a very expensive machine,
25014 is somehow enobled and no-one dare criticise it.
25017 If you put your supper dish to your ear you can hear the sounds of a
25021 If you really want to do something new, the good won't help you with it.
25022 Let me have men about me that are arrant knaves. The wicked, who have
25023 something on their conscience, are obliging, quick to hear threats, because
25024 they know how it's done, and for booty. You can offer them things because
25025 they will take them. Because they have no hesitations. You can hang them
25026 if they get out of step. Let me have men about me that are utter villains
25027 -- provided that I have the power, the absolute power, over life and death.
25030 If you refuse to accept anything but the best you very often get it.
25032 If you remember the 60's, you weren't there.
25034 If you resist reading what you disagree with, how will you ever acquire
25035 deeper insights into what you believe? The things most worth reading
25036 are precisely those that challenge our convictions.
25038 If you see an onion ring -- answer it!
25040 If you sell diamonds, you cannot expect to have many customers.
25041 But a diamond is a diamond even if there are no customers.
25042 -- Swami Prabhupada
25044 If you sow your wild oats, hope for a crop failure.
25046 If you steal from one author it's plagiarism; if you steal from
25047 many it's research.
25050 If you stew apples like cranberries,
25051 they taste more like prunes than rhubarb does.
25054 If you stick a stock of liquor in your locker,
25055 It is slick to stick a lock upon your stock.
25056 Or some joker who is slicker,
25057 Will trick you of your liquor,
25058 If you fail to lock your liquor with a lock.
25060 If you stick your head in the sand,
25061 one thing is for sure, you're gonna get your rear kicked.
25063 If you suspect a man, don't employ him.
25065 If you talk to God, you are praying; if God talks to you, you have
25069 If you teach your children to like computers and to know how to gamble
25070 then they'll always be interested in something and won't come to no real
25073 If you tell the truth you don't have to remember anything.
25076 If you think before you speak the other guy gets his joke in first.
25078 If you think education is expensive, try ignorance.
25079 -- Derek Bok, president of Harvard
25081 If you think last Tuesday was a drag,
25082 wait till you see what happens tomorrow!
25084 If you think nobody cares if you're alive,
25085 try missing a couple of car payments.
25088 If you think the pen is mightier than the sword, the next time
25089 someone pulls out a sword I'd like to see you get up there with
25092 If you think the problem is bad now, just wait until we've solved it.
25095 If you think the system is working,
25096 ask someone who's waiting for a prompt.
25098 If you think the United States has stood still,
25099 who built the largest shopping center in the world?
25102 If you think things can't get worse it's probably only because you
25103 lack sufficient imagination.
25105 If you throw a New Year's Party, the worst thing that you can do would be
25106 to throw the kind of party where your guests wake up today, and call you to
25107 say they had a nice time. Now you'll be be expected to throw another party
25109 What you should do is throw the kind of party where your guest wake
25110 up several days from now and call their lawyers to find out if
25111 they've been indicted for anything. You want your guests to be so anxious
25112 to avoid a recurrence of your party that they immediately start planning
25113 parties of their own, a year in advance, just to prevent you from having
25115 If your party is successful, the police will knock on your door,
25116 unless your party is very successful in which case they will lob tear gas
25117 through your living room window. As host, your job is to make sure that
25118 they don't arrest anybody. Or if they're dead set on arresting someone,
25119 your job is to make sure it isn't you ...
25122 If you took all of the grains of sand in the world, and lined
25123 them up end to end in a row, you'd be working for the government!
25126 If you took all the students that felt asleep in class and laid them
25127 end to end, they'd be a lot more comfortable.
25129 If you took all the women at the Harvard Prom
25130 and laid them end to end, I wouldn't be a bit surprised.
25133 If you treat people right they will treat you right -- 90% of the time.
25136 If you try to please everyone, somebody is not going to like it.
25138 If you wait long enough, it will go away... after having
25139 done its damage. If it was bad, it will be back.
25141 If you want me to be a good little bunny
25142 just dangle some carats in front of my nose.
25145 If you want to be ruined, marry a rich woman.
25148 If you want to get rich from writing, write the sort of thing that's
25149 read by persons who move their lips when the're reading to themselves.
25152 If you want to know how old a man is, ask his brother-in-law.
25154 If you want to make God laugh, tell him about your plans.
25157 If you want to put yourself on the map, publish your own map.
25159 If you want to read about love and marriage you've got to buy two separate
25163 If you want to see card tricks, you have to expect to take cards.
25164 -- Harry Blackstone
25166 If you want to understand your government, don't begin by reading the
25167 Constitution. It conveys precious little of the flavor of today's statecraft.
25168 Instead, read selected portions of the Washington telephone directory
25169 containing listings for all the organizations with titles beginning with
25170 the word "National".
25173 If you want your spouse to listen and pay strict attention to every word
25174 you say, talk in your sleep.
25176 If you wants to get elected president, you'se got to think up some
25177 memoraboble homily so's school kids can be pestered into memorizin'
25178 it, even if they don't know what it means.
25181 If you waste your time cooking, you'll miss the next meal.
25183 If you will practice being fictional for a while, you will understand that
25184 fictional characters are sometimes more real than people with bodies and
25187 If you wish to be happy for one hour, get drunk.
25188 If you wish to be happy for three days, get married.
25189 If you wish to be happy for a month, kill your pig and eat it.
25190 If you wish to be happy forever, learn to fish.
25193 If you wish to succeed, consult three old people.
25195 If you wish women to love you, be original; I know a man who wore fur
25196 boots summer and winter, and women fell in love with him.
25199 If you work for a man, in heaven's name, work for him.
25200 If he pays you wages which supply you bread and butter, work for him; speak
25201 well of him; stand by him, and by the institution he represents.
25202 If put to a pinch, an ounce of loyalty is worth a pound of cleverness.
25203 If you must vilify, condemn and eternally find disparage -- resign your
25204 position, and when you are outside, damn to your heart's content...
25205 but, as long as you are part of the institution do not condemn it.
25206 If you do that, you are loosening the tendrils that are holding you to the
25207 institution, and at the first high wind that comes along, you will
25208 be uprooted and blown away, and probably will never know the reason
25211 If you would keep a secret from an enemy, tell it not to a friend.
25213 If you would know the value of money, go try to borrow some.
25216 If you would understand your own age, read the works
25217 of fiction produced in it. People in disguise speak freely.
25219 If you'd like to cultivate insomnia,
25220 Bed down with a pretty girl.
25223 If your aim in life is nothing; you can't miss.
25225 If your bread is stale, make toast.
25227 If your enemy is buried in quicksand up to his neck, pull him out.
25228 If he is buried up to his eyes, step on his head.
25229 -- Niccoli Machiavelli, "The Prince"
25231 If your happiness depends on what somebody else does,
25232 I guess you do have a problem.
25233 -- Richard Bach, "Illusions"
25235 If your life was a horse, you'd have to shoot it.
25237 If your mother knew what you're doing,
25238 she'd probably hang her head and cry.
25240 If your parents don't have kids, neither will you.
25242 If your sexual fantasies were truly of interest to others, they would no
25243 longer be fantasies.
25246 If you're a real good kid, I'll give you a
25247 piggy-back ride on a buzz-saw.
25250 If you're a young Mafia gangster out on your first date, I bet it's real
25251 embarrassing if someone tries to kill you.
25254 If you're careful enough, nothing
25255 bad or good will ever happen to you.
25257 If you're carrying a torch, put it down.
25258 The Olympics are over.
25260 If you're constantly being mistreated,
25261 you're cooperating with the treatment.
25263 If you're crossing the nation in a covered wagon, it's better to have four
25264 strong oxen than 100 chickens. Chickens are OK but we can't make them work
25266 -- Ross Bott, Pyramid U.S., on multiprocessors at AUUGM '89.
25268 If you're going to America, bring your own food.
25269 -- Fran Lebowitz, "Social Studies"
25271 If you're going to do something tonight
25272 that you'll be sorry for tomorrow morning, sleep late.
25275 If you're going to walk on thin ice, you might as well dance.
25277 If you're happy, you're successful.
25279 If you're not part of the solution, you're part of the precipitate.
25281 If you're not very clever you should be conciliatory.
25282 -- Benjamin Disraeli
25284 If you're worried by earthquakes and nuclear war,
25285 As well as by traffic and crime,
25286 Consider how worry-free gophers are,
25287 Though living on burrowed time.
25288 -- Richard Armour, WSJ, 11/7/83
25290 If you've done six impossible things before breakfast, why not round it
25291 off with dinner at Milliway's, the restaurant at the end of the universe.
25293 If you've seen one redwood, you've seen them all.
25297 The overlapping moment of time when the hand is locking the car
25298 door even as the brain is saying, "my keys are in there!"
25299 -- Rich Hall, "Sniglets"
25302 When you don't know anything, and someone else finds out.
25304 Ignorance is bliss.
25307 Fortune updates the great quotes, #42:
25308 BLISS is ignorance.
25310 Ignorance is never out of style. It was in fashion yesterday, it is the
25311 rage today, and it will set the pace tomorrow.
25312 -- Franklin K. Dane
25314 Ignorance is when you don't know anything and somebody finds it out.
25316 Ignorance must certainly be bliss or there wouldn't be so many people
25317 so resolutely pursuing it.
25319 Ignore previous fortune.
25321 Il brilgue: les toves libricilleux
25322 Se gyrent et frillant dans le guave,
25323 Enmimes sont les gougebosquex,
25324 Et le momerade horgrave.
25326 Es brilig war. Die schlichte Toven
25327 Wirrten und wimmelten in Waben;
25328 Und aller-mumsige Burggoven
25329 Dir mohmen Rath ausgraben.
25331 I'll be comfortable on the couch. Famous last words.
25334 I'll be Grateful when they're Dead.
25336 I'll burn my books.
25337 -- Christopher Marlowe
25339 I'll give you my opinion of the human race in a nutshell ... their heart's
25340 in the right place, but their head is a thoroughly inefficient organ.
25341 -- W. Somerset Maugham, "The Summing Up"
25343 I'll grant thee random access to my heart,
25344 Thoul't tell me all the constants of thy love;
25345 And so we two shall all love's lemmas prove
25346 And in our bound partition never part.
25348 Cancel me not -- for what then shall remain?
25349 Abscissas, some mantissas, modules, modes,
25350 A root or two, a torus and a node:
25351 The inverse of my verse, a null domain.
25353 I see the eigenvalue in thine eye,
25354 I hear the tender tensor in thy sigh.
25355 Bernoulli would have been content to die
25356 Had he but known such a-squared cos 2(thi)!
25358 I'll learn to play the Saxophone,
25359 I play just what I feel.
25360 Drink Scotch whisky all night long,
25361 And die behind the wheel.
25362 They got a name for the winners in the world,
25363 I want a name when I lose.
25364 They call Alabama the Crimson Tide,
25365 Call me Deacon Blues.
25366 -- Becker and Fagan, "Deacon Blues"
25368 I'll meet you... on the dark side of the moon...
25371 I'll never get off this planet.
25374 I'll pretend to trust you if you'll pretend to trust me.
25376 I'll turn over a new leaf.
25377 -- Miguel de Cervantes
25379 Illegal aliens have always been a problem in the United States. Ask
25383 Immigration is the sincerest form of flattery.
25386 Illegitimi non carborundum
25387 (translation: no carbonated drinks allowed.)
25389 Illinois isn't exactly the land that God forgot:
25390 it's more like the land He's trying to ignore.
25392 Illiterate? Write today, for free help!
25394 Illusion is the first of all pleasures.
25397 I'm a creationist; I refuse to believe
25398 that I could have evolved from man.
25400 "I'm a doctor, not a mechanic."
25401 -- "The Doomsday Machine", when asked if he had heard of
25402 the idea of a doomsday machine.
25403 "I'm a doctor, not an escalator."
25404 -- "Friday's Child", when asked to help the very pregnant
25405 Ellen up a steep incline.
25406 "I'm a doctor, not a bricklayer."
25407 -- Devil in the Dark", when asked to patch up the Horta.
25408 "I'm a doctor, not an engineer."
25409 -- "Mirror, Mirror", when asked by Scotty for help in
25410 Engineering aboard the ISS Enterprise.
25411 "I'm a doctor, not a coalminer."
25412 -- "The Empath", on being beneath the surface of Minara 2.
25413 "I'm a surgeon, not a psychiatrist."
25414 -- "City on the Edge of Forever", on Edith Keeler's remark
25415 that Kirk talked strangely.
25416 "I'm no magician, Spock, just an old country doctor."
25417 -- "The Deadly Years", to Spock while trying to cure the
25418 aging effects of the rogue comet near Gamma Hydra 4.
25419 "What am I, a doctor or a moonshuttle conductor?"
25420 -- "The Corbomite Maneuver", when Kirk rushed off from a
25421 physical exam to answer the alert.
25423 I'm a Hollywood writer; so I put on
25424 a sports jacket and take off my brain.
25426 I'm a lucky guy, and I'm happy to be with the Yankees. And I want to
25427 thank everyone for making this night necessary.
25428 -- Yogi Berra at a dinner in his honor
25430 I'm all for computer dating, but I
25431 wouldn't want one to marry my sister.
25433 I'm always looking for a new idea that
25434 will be more productive than its cost.
25435 -- David Rockefeller
25438 But it's not what I really want to do.
25439 What I really want to do is be a shoe salesman.
25440 I know what you're going to say --
25441 "Dreamer! Get your head out of the clouds."
25442 All right! But it's what I want to do.
25443 Instead I have to go on painting all day long.
25445 The world should make a place for shoe salesmen.
25448 I'm an evolutionist; I refuse to believe
25449 that I could have been created by man.
25451 "I'm ANN LANDERS!! I can SHOPLIFT!!"
25452 -- Zippy the Pinhead
25454 I'm dying beyond my means.
25455 -- Oscar Wilde, his last words, while sipping champagne
25457 "I'm dying," he croaked.
25458 "My experiment was a success," the chemist retorted .
25459 "You can't really train a beagle," he dogmatized.
25460 "That's no beagle, it's a mongrel," she muttered.
25461 "The fire is going out," he bellowed.
25462 "Bad marksmanship," the hunter groused.
25463 "You ought to see a psychiatrist," he reminded me.
25464 "You snake," she rattled.
25465 "Someone's at the door," she chimed.
25466 "Company's coming," she guessed.
25467 "Dawn came too soon," she mourned.
25468 "I think I'll end it all," Sue sighed.
25469 "I ordered chocolate, not vanilla," I screamed.
25470 "Your embroidery is sloppy," she needled cruelly.
25471 "Where did you get this meat?" he bridled hoarsely.
25472 -- Gyles Brandreth, "The Joy of Lex"
25474 I'm fed up to the ears with old men dreaming up wars for young men to die in.
25477 I'm for bringing back the birch, but only for consenting adults.
25480 I'm for peace -- I've yet to see a man wake up in the morning and say "I've
25481 just had a good war.
25484 I'm free -- and freedom tastes of reality.
25486 I'm glad I was not born before tea.
25487 -- Sidney Smith (1771-1845)
25489 I'm glad that I'm an American,
25490 I'm glad that I am free,
25491 But I wish I were a little doggy,
25492 And McGovern were a tree.
25494 I'm going through my "I want to go back to New York" phase today. Happens
25495 every six months or so. So, I thought, perhaps unwisely, that I'd share
25498 > In New York in the winter it is million degrees below zero and
25499 the wind travels at a million miles an hour down 5th avenue.
25500 > And in LA it's 72.
25502 > In New York in the summer it is a million degrees and the humidity
25503 is a million percent.
25504 > And in LA it's 72.
25506 > In New York there are a million interesting people.
25507 > And in LA there are 72.
25509 I'm going to Boston to see my doctor. He's a very sick man.
25512 I'm going to give my psychoanalyst one more year, then I'm going to Lourdes.
25515 I'm going to raise an issue and stick it in your ear.
25518 I'm going to Vietnam at the request of the White House. President Johnson
25519 says a war isn't really a war without my jokes.
25522 I'm hungry, time to eat lunch.
25524 I'm in Pittsburgh. Why am I here?
25527 I'm just as sad as sad can be!
25528 I've missed your special date.
25529 Please say that you're not mad at me
25530 My tax return is late.
25531 -- Modern Lines for Modern Greeting Cards
25533 I'm living so far beyond my income that we may almost be said to be
25537 I'm N-ary the tree, I am,
25538 N-ary the tree, I am, I am.
25539 I'm getting traversed by the parser next door,
25540 She's traversed me seven times before.
25541 And ev'ry time it was an N-ary (N-ary!)
25542 Never wouldn't ever do a binary. (No sir!)
25543 I'm 'er eighth tree that was N-ary.
25544 N-ary the tree I am, I am,
25545 N-ary the tree I am.
25546 -- Stolen from Paul Revere and the Raiders
25548 I'm not a lovable man.
25551 I'm not a real movie star -- I've still got the same wife I started out
25552 with twenty-eight years ago.
25555 I'm not afraid of death -- I just don't want to be there when it happens.
25558 I'm not denyin' the women are foolish: God Almighty made 'em to
25562 I'm not even going to *bother* comparing C to BASIC or FORTRAN.
25563 -- L. Zolman, creator of BDS C
25565 I'm not laughing with you, I'm laughing at you.
25567 I'm not offering myself as an example;
25568 every life evolves by its own laws.
25570 I'm not prejudiced, I hate everyone equally.
25574 "I'm not stupid, I'm not expendable, and I'M NOT GOING!"
25576 I'm not sure I've even got the brains to be President.
25577 -- Barry Goldwater, in 1964
25579 I'm not tense, just terribly, terribly alert!
25581 I'm not the person your mother warned you about... her imagination isn't
25585 I'm not under the alkafluence of inkahol
25586 that some thinkle peep I am.
25587 It's just the drunker I sit here the longer I get.
25589 I'm often asked the question, "Do you think there is extraterrestrial intelli-
25590 gence?" I give the standard arguments -- there are a lot of places out there,
25591 and use the word *billions*, and so on. And then I say it would be astonishing
25592 to me if there weren't extraterrestrial intelligence, but of course there is as
25593 yet no compelling evidence for it. And then I'm asked, "Yeah, but what do you
25594 really think?" I say, "I just told you what I really think." "Yeah, but
25595 what's your gut feeling?" But I try not to think with my gut. Really, it's
25596 okay to reserve judgment until the evidence is in.
25599 I'm prepared for all emergencies but
25600 totally unprepared for everyday life.
25602 I'm proud to be paying taxes in the United States. The only thing is
25603 -- I could be just as proud for half the money.
25606 I'm really enjoying not talking to you...
25607 Let's not talk again REAL soon...
25609 I'm so broke I can't even pay attention.
25611 I'm so miserable without you, it's almost like you're here.
25613 I'm sorry, but my kharma just ran over your dogma.
25615 I'm sorry I missed.
25618 I'm sorry if the correct way of doing things offends you.
25620 I'm still waiting for the advent of the computer science groupie.
25622 I'm successful because I'm lucky.
25623 The harder I work, the luckier I get.
25625 "I'm terribly sorry, sir," the novice barber apologized, after badly nicking
25626 a customer. "Let me wrap your head in a towel."
25627 "That's all right," said the customer. "I'll just take it home under
25630 I'm very good at integral and differential calculus,
25631 I know the scientific names of beings animalculous;
25632 In short, in matters vegetable, animal, and mineral,
25633 I am the very model of a modern Major-General.
25634 -- Gilbert & Sullivan, "The Pirates of Penzance"
25636 I'm very old-fashioned. I believe that people should marry for life,
25637 like pigeons and Catholics.
25640 Imagination is more important than knowledge.
25643 Imagination is the one weapon in the war against reality.
25644 -- Jules de Gaultier
25646 Imagine if every Thursday your shoes exploded if you tied them the usual
25647 way. This happens to us all the time with computers, and nobody thinks of
25651 Imagine me going around with a pot belly.
25652 It would mean political ruin.
25655 Imagine that Cray computer decides to make a personal computer. It has a
25656 150 MHz processor, 200 megabytes of RAM, 1500 megabytes of disk storage, a
25657 screen resolution of 1024 x 1024 pixels, relies entirely on voice recognition
25658 for input, fits in your shirt pocket and costs $300. What's the first
25659 question that the computer community asks?
25661 "Is it PC compatible?"
25663 Imagine there's no heaven... it's easy if you try.
25664 -- John Lennon, "Imagine"
25666 Imagine what we can imagine!
25667 -- Arthur Rubinstein
25669 Imbalance of power corrupts and monopoly of power corrupts absolutely.
25672 Imbesi's Law with Freeman's Extension:
25673 In order for something to become clean, something else must
25674 become dirty; but you can get everything dirty without getting
25677 Imitation is the sincerest form of television.
25680 Immanuel doesn't pun, he Kant.
25682 Immanuel Kant but Kubla Khan.
25684 Immature artists imitate, mature artists steal.
25687 Immature poets imitate, mature poets steal.
25688 -- T.S. Eliot, "Philip Massinger"
25690 Immigration is the sincerest form of flattery.
25693 Immortality -- a fate worse than death.
25696 Immutability, Three Rules of:
25697 (1) If a tarpaulin can flap, it will.
25698 (2) If a small boy can get dirty, he will.
25699 (3) If a teenager can go out, he will.
25702 Unable to perceive any promise of personal advantage from
25703 espousing either side of a controversy or adopting either of two
25704 conflicting opinions.
25706 Important letters which contain no errors will develop errors in the mail.
25707 Corresponding errors will show up in the duplicate while the Boss is reading
25708 it. Vital papers will demonstrate their vitality by spontaneously moving
25709 from where you left them to where you can't find them.
25711 In 1967, the Soviet Government minted a beautiful silver ruble with Lenin
25712 in a very familiar pose - arms raised above him, leading the country to
25713 revolution. But, it was clear to everybody, that if you looked at it from
25714 behind, it was clear that Lenin was pointing to 11:00, when the Vodka
25715 shops opened, and was actually saying, "Comrades, forward to the Vodka shops.
25717 It became fashionable, when one wanted to have a drink, to take out the
25718 ruble and say, "Oh my goodness, Comrades, Lenin tells me we should go.
25720 In 1989, the United States, which was displeased with the policies of the
25721 dictator of Panama, invaded that country and placed in power a government
25722 more to its liking.
25724 In 1990, Iraq, which was displeased with the policies of the dictator of
25725 Kuwait, invaded that country and placed in power a government more to its
25728 In a bottle, the neck is always at the top.
25730 In a circuit with a fast-acting fuse,
25731 an IC will blow to protect the fuse.
25733 In a consumer society there are inevitably two kinds of slaves:
25734 the prisoners of addiction and the prisoners of envy.
25736 In a country where the sole employer is the State, opposition means death
25737 by slow starvation. The old principle: Who does not work shall not eat,
25738 has been replaced by a new one: Who does not obey shall not eat.
25739 -- Leon Trotsky, 1937
25741 In a display of perverse brilliance, Carl the repairman mistakes a room
25742 humidifier for a mid-range computer but manages to tie it into the network
25746 In a five year period we can get one superb programming language.
25747 Only we can't control when the five year period will begin.
25749 In a gathering of two or more people, when a lighted cigarette is
25750 placed in an ashtray, the smoke will waft into the face of the non-smoker.
25752 In a great romance, each person basically plays a part that the
25753 other really likes.
25754 -- Elizabeth Ashley
25756 In a hierarchy every employee tends to rise to his level of incompetence ...
25757 in time every post tends to be occupied by an employee who is incompetent
25758 to carry out its duties ... Work is accomplished by those employees who
25759 have not yet reached their level of incompetence.
25760 -- Dr. Laurence J. Peter, "The Peter Principle"
25762 In a minimum-phase system there is an inextricable link between
25763 frequency response, phase response and transient response, as they
25764 are all merely transforms of one another. This combined with
25765 minimization of open-loop errors in output amplifiers and correct
25766 compensation for non-linear passive crossover network loading can
25767 lead to a significant decrease in system resolution lost. However,
25768 this all means jack when you listen to Pink Floyd.
25770 In a surprise raid last night, federal agent's ransacked a house in search
25771 of a rebel computer hacker. However, they were unable to complete the arrest
25772 because the warrant was made out in the name of Don Provan, while the only
25773 person in the house was named don provan. Proving, once again, that Unix is
25774 superior to Tops10.
25776 In a whiskey it's age, in a cigarette it's
25777 taste and in a sports car it's impossible.
25779 In America any boy may become President, and I suppose that's just the
25783 In America, it's not how much an item costs, it's how much you save.
25785 In an age when the fashion is to be in love with yourself, confessing to
25786 be in love with somebody else is an admission of unfaithfulness to one's
25790 In an orderly world, there's always a place for the disorderly.
25792 In any country there must be people who have to die. They are the
25793 sacrifices any nation has to make to achieve law and order.
25796 In any formula, constants (especially those obtained from handbooks)
25797 are to be treated as variables.
25799 In any problem, if you find yourself doing an infinite amount of work,
25800 the answer may be obtained by inspection.
25802 In any world menu, Canada must be considered the vichyssoise of nations --
25803 it's cold, half-French, and difficult to stir.
25807 A catch basin for everything you don't want
25808 to deal with, but are afraid to throw away.
25810 In breeding cattle you need one bull for every twenty-five cows, unless
25811 the cows are known sluts.
25814 In Brooklyn, we had such great pennant races, it
25815 made the World Series just something that came later.
25816 -- Walter O'Malley, Dodgers owner
25818 In buying horses and taking a wife
25819 shut your eyes tight and commend yourself to God.
25821 In California, Bill Honig, the Superintendent of Public Instruction, said he
25822 thought the general public should have a voice in defining what an excellent
25823 teacher should know. "I would not leave the definition of math," Dr. Honig
25824 said, "up to the mathematicians."
25825 -- The New York Times, October 22, 1985
25827 In California they don't throw their garbage away -- they make
25828 it into television shows.
25829 -- Woody Allen, "Annie Hall"
25831 In case of atomic attack, all work rules will be temporarily suspended.
25833 In case of atomic attack, the federal ruling
25834 against prayer in schools will be temporarily cancelled.
25836 In case of fire, stand in the hall and shout "Fire!"
25837 -- The Kidner Report
25839 In case of fire, yell "FIRE!"
25841 In case of injury notify your superior immediately.
25842 He'll kiss it and make it better.
25844 In charity there is no excess.
25847 In childhood a woman must be subject to her father; in youth to her
25848 husband; when her husband is dead, to her sons. A woman must never
25849 be free of subjugation.
25850 -- The Hindu Code of Manu
25852 In computing, the mean time to failure keeps getting shorter.
25854 In Christianity, a man may have only one wife.
25855 This is called Monotony.
25857 In defeat, unbeatable; in victory, unbearable.
25858 -- W. Churchill, on General Montgomery
25860 In dwelling, be close to the land.
25861 In meditation, delve deep into the heart.
25862 In dealing with others, be gentle and kind.
25863 In speech, be true.
25864 In work, be competent.
25865 In action, be careful of your timing.
25868 In English, every word can be verbed. Would that it were so in our
25869 programming languages.
25871 In every country and every age, the priest has been hostile to Liberty.
25872 -- Thomas Jefferson
25874 In every hierarchy the cream rises until it sours.
25875 -- Dr. Laurence J. Peter
25877 In every job that must be done, there is an element of fun.
25878 Find the fun and snap! The job's a game.
25879 And every task you undertake, becomes a piece of cake,
25880 a lark, a spree; it's very clear to see.
25883 In every non-trivial program there is at least one bug.
25885 In fact, S. M. Simpson, eventually devised an efficient 24-point Fourier
25886 transform, which was a precursor to the Cooley-Tukey fast Fourier transform
25887 in 1965. The FFT made all of Simpson's efficient autocorrelation and
25888 spectrum programs instantly obsolete, on which he had worked half a lifetime.
25889 -- Proc. IEEE, Sept. 1982, p.900
25891 In fiction the recourse of the powerless is murder;
25892 in life the recourse of the powerless is petty theft.
25894 In Germany they first came for the Communists and I didn't speak up because
25895 I wasn't a Communist. Then they came for the Jews, and I didn't speak up
25896 because I wasn't a Jew. Then they came for the trade unionists, and I
25897 didn't speak up because I wasn't a trade unionist. Then they came for the
25898 Catholics, and I didn't speak up because I was a Protestant. Then they came
25899 for me -- and by that time no one was left to speak up.
25900 -- Pastor Martin Niemoller
25902 In God we trust; all else we walk through.
25904 In good speaking, should not the mind of the speaker
25905 know the truth of the matter about which he is to speak?
25908 In her first passion woman loves her lover,
25909 In all the others all she loves is love.
25910 -- George Gordon, Lord Byron, "Don Juan"
25912 In high school in Brooklyn
25913 I was the baseball manager,
25914 proud as I could be
25915 I chased baseballs,
25916 gathered thrown bats
25917 handed out the towels Eventually, I bought my own
25918 It was very important work but it was dark blue while
25919 for a small spastic kid, the official ones were green
25920 but I was a team member Nobody ever said anything
25921 When the team got to me about my blue jacket;
25922 their warm-up jackets the guys were my friends
25923 I didn't get one Yet it hurt me all year
25924 Only the regular team to wear that blue jacket
25925 got these jackets, and among all those green ones
25926 surely not a manager Even now, forty years after,
25927 I still recall that jacket
25928 and the memory goes on hurting.
25929 -- Bart Lanier Safford III, "An Obscured Radiance"
25931 In Hollywood, all marriages are happy. It's trying to live together
25932 afterwards that causes the problems.
25935 In Hollywood, if you don't have happiness, you send out for it.
25938 In India, "cold weather" is merely a conventional phrase and has come into
25939 use through the necessity of having some way to distinguish between weather
25940 which will melt a brass door-knob and weather which will only make it mushy.
25943 In Italy, for thirty years under the Borgias, they had warfare, terror,
25944 murder, and bloodshed, but they produced Michelangelo, Leonardo da Vinci
25945 and the Renaissance. In Switzerland, they had brotherly love, they had
25946 five hundred years of democracy and peace -- and what did they produce?
25948 -- Orson Welles, "The Third Man"
25950 In just seven days, I can make you a man!
25951 -- The Rocky Horror Picture Show
25952 [ (and seven nights...) Ed.]
25954 In less than a century, computers will be making substantial
25955 progress on ... the overriding problem of war and peace.
25958 In like a dimwit, out like a light.
25961 In love, she who gives her portrait promises the original.
25964 In marriage, as in war, it is permitted
25965 to take every advantage of the enemy.
25967 In Marseilles they make half the toilet soap we consume in America, but
25968 the Marseillaise only have a vague theoretical idea of its use, which they
25969 have obtained from books of travel.
25972 In matters of principle, stand like a rock;
25973 in matters of taste, swim with the current.
25974 -- Thomas Jefferson
25976 In Mexico we have a word for sushi: bait.
25979 In Minnesota they ask why all football fields in Iowa have artificial turf.
25980 It's so the cheerleaders won't graze during the game.
25982 In most instances, all an argument
25983 proves is that two people are present.
25985 In my end is my beginning.
25986 -- Mary Stuart, Queen of Scots
25988 In my experience, if you have to keep the lavatory door shut by extending
25989 your left leg, it's modern architecture.
25990 -- Nancy Banks Smith
25992 IN MY OPINION anyone interested in improving himself should not rule out
25993 becoming pure energy.
25994 -- Jack Handley, The New Mexican, 1988.
25996 In Nature there are neither rewards nor
25997 punishments, there are consequences.
26000 In olden times sacrifices were made at the altar --
26001 a practice which is still continued.
26004 In order to dial out, it is necessary to broaden one's dimension.
26006 In order to discover who you are, first learn who everybody else is;
26007 you're what's left.
26009 In order to get a loan you must first prove you don't need it.
26011 In order to live free and happily, you must sacrifice boredom.
26012 It is not always an easy sacrifice.
26014 In our civilization, and under our republican form of government, intelligence
26015 is so highly honored that it is rewarded by exemption from the cares of office.
26016 -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
26018 In our civilization, and under our republican form of government,
26019 intelligence is so highly honored that it is rewarded by exemption
26020 from the cares of office.
26022 In Oz, never say "krizzle kroo" to a Woozy.
26024 In Pierre Trudeau, Canada has finally produced
26025 a Prime Minister worthy of assassination.
26026 -- John Diefenbaker
26028 In practice, failures in system development, like unemployment in Russia,
26029 happens a lot despite official propaganda to the contrary.
26032 In real love you want the other person's good. In romantic love you
26033 want the other person.
26034 -- Margaret Anderson
26036 In San Francisco, Halloween is redundant.
26039 In science it often happens that scientists say, 'You know that's a really
26040 good argument; my position is mistaken,' and then they actually change
26041 their minds and you never hear that old view from them again. They really
26042 do it. It doesn't happen as often as it should, because scientists are
26043 human and change is sometimes painful. But it happens every day. I cannot
26044 recall the last time something like that happened in politics or religion.
26045 -- Carl Sagan, 1987 CSICOP keynote address
26047 In short, N is Richardian if, and only if, N is not Richardian.
26049 In spite of everything, I still believe that people are good at heart.
26052 In success there's a tendency to keep on doing what you were doing.
26055 In the beginning there was nothing. And the Lord said "Let There Be Light!"
26056 And still there was nothing, but at least now you could see it.
26058 In the beginning was the word.
26059 But by the time the second word was added to it,
26061 For with it came syntax ...
26064 In the course of reading Hadamard's "The Psychology of Invention in the
26065 Mathematical Field", I have come across evidence supporting a fact
26066 which we coffee achievers have long appreciated: no really creative,
26067 intelligent thought is possible without a good cup of coffee. On page
26068 14, Hadamard is discussing Poincare's theory of fuchsian groups and
26069 fuchsian functions, which he describes as "... one of his greatest
26070 discoveries, the first which consecrated his glory ..." Hadamard refers
26071 to Poincare having had a "... sleepless night which initiated all that
26072 memorable work ..." and gives the following, very revealing quote:
26074 "One evening, contrary to my custom, I drank black coffee and
26075 could not sleep. Ideas rose in crowds; I felt them collide
26076 until pairs interlocked, so to speak, making a stable
26079 Too bad drinking black coffee was contrary to his custom. Maybe he
26080 could really have amounted to something as a coffee achiever.
26082 In the days of old,
26083 When Knights were bold,
26084 And women were too cautious;
26085 Oh, those gallant days,
26086 When women were women,
26087 And men were really obnoxious.
26089 In the dimestores and bus stations
26090 People talk of situations
26091 Read books repeat quotations
26092 Draw conclusions on the wall.
26095 In the early morning queue,
26096 With a listing in my hand.
26097 With a worry in my heart, There on terminal number 9,
26098 Waitin' here in CERAS-land. Pascal run all set to go.
26099 I'm a long way from sleep, But I'm waitin' in the queue,
26100 How I miss a good meal so. With this code that ever grows.
26101 In the early mornin' queue, Now the lobby chairs are soft,
26102 With no place to go. But that can't make the queue move fast.
26103 Hey, there it goes my friend,
26104 I've moved up one at last.
26105 -- Ernest Adams, "Early Morning Queue", to "Early
26106 Morning Rain" by G. Lightfoot
26108 In the east there is a shark which is larger than all other fish. It changes
26109 into a bird whose wings are like clouds filling the sky. When this bird
26110 moves across the land, it brings a message from Corporate Headquarters. This
26111 message it drops into the midst of the programmers, like a seagull making
26112 its mark upon the beach. Then the bird mounts on the wind and, with the blue
26113 sky at its back, returns home.
26115 The novice programmer stares in wonder at the bird, for he understands it not.
26116 The average programmer dreads the coming of the bird, for he fears its message.
26117 The master programmer continues to work at his terminal, for he does not know
26118 that the bird has come and gone.
26120 In the eyes of my dog, I'm a man.
26123 In the first place, God made idiots;
26124 this was for practice; then he made school boards.
26127 In the force if Yoda's so strong, construct a sentence with words in
26128 the proper order then why can't he?
26130 In the force if Yoda's so strong, construct a sentence with words in
26131 the proper order then why can't he?
26134 I met him in a swamp down in Dagobah
26135 Where it bubbles all the time like a giant cabinet soda
26137 I saw the little runt sitting there on a log
26138 I asked him his name and in a raspy voice he said Yoda
26139 Y-O-D-A Yoda, Yo-Yo-Yo-Yo Yoda
26141 Well I've been around but I ain't never seen
26142 A guy who looks like a Muppet but he's wrinkled and green
26143 Oh my Yoda, Yo-Yo-Yo-Yo Yoda
26144 Well I'm not dumb but I can't understand
26145 How he can raise me in the air just by raising his hand
26146 Oh my Yoda, Yo-Yo-Yo-Yo Yoda, Yo-Yo-Yo-Yo Yoda
26147 -- The STAR WARS Song, to "Lola", by the Kinks
26149 In the future, there will be fewer but better Russians.
26152 In the future, you're going to get computers as prizes in breakfast cereals.
26153 You'll throw them out because your house will be littered with them.
26155 In the Halls of Justice the only justice is in the halls.
26158 In the highest society, as well as in the lowest,
26159 woman is merely an instrument of pleasure.
26162 In the land of the dark the Ship of the
26163 Sun is driven by the Grateful Dead.
26164 -- Egyptian Book of the Dead
26166 In the long run, every program becomes rococco, and then rubble.
26169 In the long run we are all dead.
26170 -- John Maynard Keynes
26172 In the middle of a wide field is a pot of gold. 100 feet to the north stands
26173 a smart manager. 100 feet to the south stands a dumb manager. 100 feet to
26174 the east is the Easter Bunny, and 100 feet to the west is Santa Claus.
26176 Q: Who gets to the pot of gold first?
26177 A: The dumb manager. All the rest are myths.
26179 In the midst of one of the wildest parties he'd ever been to, the young man
26180 noticed a very prim and pretty girl sitting quietly apart from the rest of
26181 the revelers. Approaching her, he introduced himself and, after some quiet
26182 conversation, said, "I'm afraid you and I don't really fit in with this
26183 jaded group. Why don't I take you home?""
26184 "Fine," said the girl, smiling up at him demurely. "Where do you
26187 In the misfortune of our friends we find something that is not
26189 -- La Rochefoucauld, "Maxims"
26191 In the next world, you're on your own.
26193 In the Old West a wagon train is crossing the plains. As night falls the
26194 wagon train forms a circle, and a campfire is lit in the middle. After
26195 everyone has gone to sleep two lone cavalry officers stand watch over the
26197 After several hours of quiet, they hear war drums starting from
26198 a nearby Indian village they had passed during the day. The drums get
26200 Finally one soldier turns to the other and says, "I don't like
26201 the sound of those drums."
26202 Suddenly, they hear a cry come from the Indian camp: "IT'S
26203 NOT OUR REGULAR DRUMMER."
26205 In the olden days in England, you could be hung for stealing a sheep or a
26206 loaf of bread. However, if a sheep stole a loaf of bread and gave it to
26207 you, you would only be tried for receiving, a crime punishable by forty
26208 lashes with the cat or the dog, whichever was handy. If you stole a dog
26209 and were caught, you were punished with twelve rabbit punches, although it
26210 was hard to find rabbits big enough or strong enough to punch you.
26211 -- Mike Harding, "The Armchair Anarchist's Almanac"
26213 In the plot, people came to the land; the land loved them; they worked and
26214 struggled and had lots of children. There was a Frenchman who talked funny
26215 and a greenhorn from England who was a fancy-pants but when it came to the
26216 crunch he was all courage. Those novels would make you retch.
26217 -- Canadian novelist Robertson Davies, on the generic Canadian
26220 In the space of one hundred and seventy-six years the Mississippi has
26221 shortened itself two hundred and forty-two miles. Therefore ... in the Old
26222 Silurian Period the Mississippi River was upward of one million three hundred
26223 thousand miles long ... seven hundred and forty-two years from now the
26224 Mississippi will be only a mile and three-quarters long. ... There is
26225 something fascinating about science. One gets such wholesome returns of
26226 conjecture out of such a trifling investment of fact.
26229 In the Spring, I have counted 136
26230 different kinds of weather inside of 24 hours.
26231 -- Mark Twain, on New England weather
26233 In the stairway of life, you'd best take the elevator.
26235 In the Top 40, half the songs are secret messages to the teen world to drop
26236 out, turn on, and groove with the chemicals and light shows at discotheques.
26239 In the war of wits, he's unarmed.
26241 In theory, there is no difference between theory and practice.
26242 In practice, there is.
26244 In these matters the only certainty is that there is nothing certain.
26249 Your head grows bald
26253 In this world, nothing is certain but death and taxes.
26254 -- Benjamin Franklin
26256 In this world of sin and sorrow there is always something to be
26257 thankful for; as for me, I rejoice that I am not a Republican.
26260 In this world some people are going to like me and some are not.
26261 So, I may as well be me. Then I know if someone likes me, they like me.
26263 In this world there are only two tragedies. One is
26264 not getting what one wants, and the other is getting it.
26267 In this world, truth can wait; she's used to it.
26269 In time, every post tends to be occupied by an
26270 employee who is incompetent to carry out its duties.
26273 In /users3 did Kubla Kahn
26274 A stately pleasure dome decree,
26275 Where /bin, the sacred river ran
26276 Through Test Suites measureless to Man
26277 Down to a sunless C.
26279 In war it is not men, but the man who counts.
26282 In war, truth is the first casualty.
26285 In which level of metalanguage are you now speaking?
26287 In wine there is truth (In vino veritas).
26290 In Xanadu did Kubla Khan a stately pleasure dome decree
26291 But only if the NFL to a franchise would agree.
26293 In Xanadu did Kubla Khan
26294 A stately pleasure dome decree:
26295 Where Alph, the sacred river, ran
26296 Through caverns measureless to man
26297 Down to a sunless sea.
26298 So twice five miles of fertile ground
26299 With walls and towers were girdled round:
26300 And there were gardens bright with sinuous rills,
26301 Where blossomed many an incense-bearing tree;
26302 And here were forest ancient as the hills,
26303 Enfolding sunny spots of greenery.
26304 -- S.T. Coleridge, "Kubla Kahn"
26306 In youth, it was a way I had
26307 To do my best to please,
26308 And change, with every passing lad,
26309 To suit his theories.
26311 But now I know the things I know,
26312 And do the things I do;
26313 And if you do not like me so,
26314 To hell, my love, with you!
26315 -- Dorothy Parker, "Indian Summer"
26318 The system of long and short-term rewards that a corporation uses
26319 to motivate its people. Still, despite all the experimentation with
26320 profit sharing, stock options, and the like, the most effective
26321 incentive program to date seems to be "Do a good job and you get to
26326 Increased knowledge will help you now.
26327 Have mate's phone bugged.
26330 Person of liveliest interest to the outcumbents.
26332 Indecision is the true basis for flexibility.
26334 Indeed, the first noble truth of Buddhism, usually translated as
26335 `all life is suffering,' is more accurately rendered `life is filled
26336 with a sense of pervasive unsatisfactoriness.'
26340 Alphabetical list of words of no possible interest where an
26341 alphabetical list of subjects with references ought to be.
26343 Indiana is a state dedicated to basketball. Basketball, soybeans, hogs and
26344 basketball. Berkeley, needless to say, is not nearly as athletic. Berkeley
26345 is dedicated to coffee, angst, potholes and coffee.
26348 Indifference will certainly be the downfall of mankind, but who cares?
26350 Individualists unite!
26352 Indomitable in retreat; invincible in
26353 advance; insufferable in victory.
26354 -- Winston Churchill, on General Montgomery
26357 The period of our lives when, according to Wordsworth, "Heaven lies
26358 about us." The world begins lying about us pretty soon afterward.
26361 Infidel: In New York, one who does not believe in the
26362 Christian religion; in Constantinople, one who does.
26365 Inform all the troops that communications have completely broken down.
26367 Information Center:
26368 A room staffed by professional computer people whose job it is to
26369 tell you why you cannot have the information you require.
26371 Information is the inverse of entropy.
26373 Information Processing:
26374 What you call data processing when people are so disgusted with
26375 it they won't let it be discussed in their presence.
26377 Inglish Spocken Hier: some mangled translations
26379 Sign on a cabin door of a Soviet Black Sea cruise liner:
26380 Helpsavering apparata in emergings behold many whistles!
26381 Associate the stringing apparata about the bosums and meet
26382 behind, flee then to the indifferent lifesaveringshippen
26383 obedicing the instructs of the vessel.
26385 On the door in a Belgrade hotel:
26386 Let us know about any unficiency as well as leaking on
26387 the service. Our utmost will improve it.
26391 Inglish Spocken Hier: some mangled translations
26393 Sign on a cathedral in Spain:
26394 It is forbidden to enter a woman, even a foreigner if
26397 Above the entrance to a Cairo bar:
26398 Unaccompanied ladies not admitted unless with husband
26401 On a Bucharest elevator:
26403 The lift is being fixed for the next days.
26404 During that time we regret that you will be unbearable.
26408 Inglish Spocken Hier: some mangled translations
26410 Various signs in Poland:
26412 Right turn toward immediate outside.
26414 Go soothingly in the snow, as there lurk the ski demons.
26416 Five o'clock tea at all hours.
26418 In a men's washroom in Sidney:
26420 Shake excess water from hands, push button to start,
26421 rub hands rapidly under air outlet and wipe hands
26424 -- Colin Bowles, San Francisco Chronicle
26427 A man who bites the hand that feeds him,
26428 and then complains of indigestion.
26430 Injustice anywhere is a threat to justice everywhere.
26431 -- Martin Luther King, Jr.
26434 A villainous compound of tannogallate of iron, gum-arabic,
26435 and water, chiefly used to facilitate the infection of
26436 idiocy and promote intellectual crime.
26439 Innocence ends when one is stripped of the delusion that one
26441 -- Joan Didion, "On Self Respect"
26446 Innovation is hard to schedule.
26452 Insanity is considered a ground for divorce, though by the very same
26453 token it is the shortest detour to marriage.
26456 Insanity is inherited, you get it from your kids!
26458 Insanity is the final defense. It's hard to get a refund when
26459 the salesman is sniffing your crotch and baying at the moon.
26462 Finding out that you've mispronounced for years one of your
26465 Realizing halfway through a joke that you're telling it to
26466 the person who told it to you.
26468 Inside every large problem is a small problem struggling to get out.
26470 Insomnia isn't anything to lose sleep over.
26472 Inspector: "Mrs. Freem, was this your husband's first
26474 Mrs. Freem: "His first fatal one, yes."
26477 Inspiration without perspiration is usually sterile.
26479 Instead of giving money to found colleges to promote learning, why don't
26480 they pass a constitutional amendment prohibiting anybody from learning
26481 anything? If it works as good as the Prohibition one did, why, in five
26482 years we would have the smartest race of people on earth.
26483 -- The Best of Will Rogers
26485 Instead of loving your enemies, treat your friends a little better.
26488 Integrity has no need for rules.
26490 Intel CPUs are not defective, they just act that way.
26493 Intellect annuls Fate.
26494 So far as a man thinks, he is free.
26495 -- Ralph Waldo Emerson
26497 Interchangeable parts won't.
26500 What borrowers pay, lenders receive, stockholders own, and
26501 burned out employees must feign.
26503 Interesting poll results reported in today's New York Post: people on the
26504 street in midtown Manhattan were asked whether they approved of the US
26505 invasion of Grenada. Fifty-three percent said yes; 39 percent said no;
26506 and 8 percent said "Gimme a quarter?"
26509 Interfere? Of course we should interfere! Always do what you're
26510 best at, that's what I say.
26514 One who enables two persons of different languages to understand
26515 each other by repeating to each what it would have been to the
26516 interpreter's advantage for the other to have said.
26518 Into love and out again,
26519 Thus I went and thus I go.
26520 Spare your voice, and hold your pen:
26521 Well and bitterly I know
26522 All the songs were ever sung,
26523 All the words were ever said;
26524 Could it be, when I was young,
26525 Someone dropped me on my head?
26526 -- Dorothy Parker, "Theory"
26529 When you feel sophisticated without being able to pronounce it.
26531 Introducing, the 1010, a one-bit processor.
26536 1 JMP Jump (address specified by next 2 bits)
26538 Now Available for only 12 1/2 cents!
26540 Invest in physics -- own a piece of Dirac!
26542 Involvement with people is always a very delicate thing --
26543 it requires real maturity to become involved and not get all messed up.
26547 It's off to disk I go,
26548 A bit or byte to read or write,
26553 _/I\_____________o______________o___/I\ l * / /_/ * __ ' .* l
26554 I"""_____________l______________l___"""I\ l *// _l__l_ . *. l
26555 [__][__][(******)__][__](******)[__][] \l l-\ ---//---*----(oo)----------l
26556 [][__][__(******)][__][_(******)_][__] l l \\ // ____ >-( )-< / l
26557 [__][__][_l l[__][__][l l][__][] l l \\)) ._****_.(......) .@@@:::l
26558 [][__][__]l .l_][__][__] .l__][__] l l ll _(o_o)_ (@*_*@ l
26559 [__][__][/ <_)[__][__]/ <_)][__][] l l ll ( / \ ) / / / ) l
26560 [][__][ /..,/][__][__][/..,/_][__][__] l l / \\ _\ \_ / _\_\ l
26561 [__][__(__/][__][__][_(__/_][__][__][] l l______________________________l
26562 [__][__]] l , , . [__][__][] l
26563 [][__][_] l . i. '/ , [][__][__] l /\**/\ season's
26564 [__][__]] l O .\ / /, O [__][__][] l ( o_o )_) greetings
26565 _[][__][_] l__l======='=l____[][__][__] l_______,(u u ,),__________________
26566 [__][__]]/ /l\-------/l\ [__][__][]/ {}{}{}{}{}{}<R>
26568 In Ellen's house it is warm and toasty while fuzzies play in the snow outside.
26571 IOT trap -- core dumped
26573 IOT trap -- mos dumped
26575 Iowa State -- the high school after high school!
26578 Iowans ask why Minnesotans don't drink more Kool-Aid. That's because
26579 they can't figure out how to get two quarts of water into one of those
26580 little paper envelopes.
26582 Iron Law of Distribution:
26583 Them that has, gets.
26586 A windy day, when, just as a beautiful girl with
26587 a short skirt approaches, dust blows in your eyes.
26589 Is a computer language with goto's totally Wirth-less?
26591 Is a person who blows up banks an econoclast?
26593 "Is a tatoo real, like a curb or a battleship?
26594 Or are we suffering in Safeway?"
26595 -- Zippy the Pinhead
26597 Is a wedding successful if it comes off without a hitch?
26599 Is death legally binding?
26601 Is it possible that software is not like anything else, that it is
26602 meant to be discarded: that the whole point is to always see it as
26605 Is it weird in here, or is it just me?
26608 Is knowledge knowable? If not, how do we know that?
26610 Is not marriage an open question, when it is alleged, from the beginning
26611 of the world, that such as are in the institution wish to get out,
26612 and such as are out wish to get in?
26615 Is sex dirty? Only if it's done right.
26616 -- Woody Allen, "All You Ever Wanted To Know About Sex"
26618 Is that a pistol in your pocket or are you just glad to see me?
26621 Is that really YOU that is reading this?
26623 "Is there any point to which you would wish to draw my attention?"
26624 "To the curious incident of the dog in the night-time."
26625 "The dog did nothing in the night-time."
26626 "That was the curious incident," remarked Sherlock Holmes.
26628 Is there life before breakfast?
26630 Is this really happening?
26632 Isn't air travel wonderful?
26633 Breakfast in London, dinner in New York, luggage in Brazil.
26635 Isn't it conceivable to you that an intelligent
26636 person could harbor two opposing ideas in his mind?
26637 -- Adlai Stevenson, to reporters
26639 Isn't it interesting that the same people who laugh at science fiction
26640 listen to weather forecasts and economists?
26641 -- Kelvin Throop III
26643 Isn't it ironic that many men spend a great part of their lives
26644 avoiding marriage while single-mindedly pursuing those things that
26645 would make them better prospects?
26647 Isn't it nice that people who prefer Los Angeles to San Francisco live
26651 Isn't it strange that the same people that
26652 laugh at gypsy fortune tellers take economists seriously?
26655 A solution in search of a problem!
26657 Issawi's Laws of Progress:
26658 The Course of Progress:
26659 Most things get steadily worse.
26660 The Path of Progress:
26661 A shortcut is the longest distance between two points.
26663 It appears that PL/I (and its dialects) is, or will be, the
26664 most widely used higher level language for systems programming.
26667 It cannot be seen, cannot be felt,
26668 Cannot be heard, cannot be smelt.
26669 It lies behind starts and under hills,
26670 And empty holes it fills.
26671 It comes first and follows after,
26672 Ends life, kills laughter.
26674 "It could be that Walter's horse has wings" does not imply that there is
26675 any such animal as Walter's horse, only that there could be; but "Walter's
26676 horse is a thing which could have wings" does imply Walter's horse's
26677 existence. But the conjunction "Walter's horse exists, and it could be
26678 that Walter's horse has wings" still does not imply "Walter's horse is a
26679 thing that could have wings", for perhaps it can only be that Walter's
26680 horse has wings by Walter having a different horse. Nor does "Walter's
26681 horse is a thing which could have wings" conversely imply "It could be that
26682 Walter's horse has wings"; for it might be that Walter's horse could only
26683 have wings by not being Walter's horse.
26685 I would deny, though, that the formula [Necessarily if some x has property P
26686 then some x has property P] expresses a logical law, since P(x) could stand
26687 for, let us say "x is a better logician than I am", and the statement "It is
26688 necessary that if someone is a better logician than I am then someone is a
26689 better logician than I am" is false because there need not have been any me.
26690 -- A.N. Prior, "Time and Modality"
26692 It destroys one's nerves to be amiable every day to the same human being.
26693 -- Benjamin Disraeli
26695 It did not occur to me that my being with two men continuously would
26696 interest anyone or arouse anyone's misgivings. I asked for an invitation
26697 for Heinrich too, as often as it seemed possible, when Paulus and I were
26698 invited to a social gathering. I felt the set of rules others lived by
26699 was irrelevant. My childhood attitude -- every attempt to adjust is
26700 hopeless and you might just as well follow your own attitudes -- must have
26702 -- Hannah Tillich, "From Time to Time"
26704 It does not do to leave a live dragon out of your calculations.
26706 It does not matter if you fall down as long as you
26707 pick up something from the floor while you get up.
26709 It doesn't matter what you do, it only matters what you say you've
26710 done and what you're going to do.
26712 It doesn't matter whether you win or lose -- until you lose.
26714 It doesn't much signify whom one marries, for one is sure to find out
26715 next morning it was someone else.
26718 It follows that any commander in chief who undertakes to carry out a plan
26719 which he considers defective is at fault; he must put forth his reasons,
26720 insist of the plan being changed, and finally tender his resignation rather
26721 than be the instrument of his army's downfall.
26722 -- Napoleon, "Military Maxims and Thought"
26724 It gets late early out there.
26727 It got to the point where I had to get a haircut
26728 or both feet firmly planted in the air.
26730 It hangs down from the chandelier
26731 Nobody knows quite what it does
26732 Its color is odd and its shape is weird
26733 It emits a high-sounding buzz
26735 It grows a couple of feet each day
26736 and wriggles with sort of a twitch
26737 Nobody bugs it 'cause it comes from
26738 a visiting uncle who's rich!
26739 -- To "It Came Upon A Midnight Clear"
26741 It happened long ago
26742 In the new magic land
26743 The Indians and the buffalo
26744 Existed hand in hand
26745 The Indians needed food
26746 They need skins for a roof
26747 The only took what they needed
26748 And the buffalo ran loose
26749 But then came the white man
26750 With his thick and empty head
26751 He couldn't see past his billfold
26752 He wanted all the buffalo dead
26753 It was sad, oh so sad.
26754 -- Ted Nugent, "The Great White Buffalo"
26756 It happened that a fire broke out backstage in a theater. The clown came
26757 out to inform the public. They thought it was just a jest and applauded.
26758 He repeated his warning, they shouted even louder. So I think the world
26759 will come to an end amid general applause from all the wits, who believe
26762 It has been justly observed by sages of all lands that although a man may be
26763 most happily married and continue in that state with the utmost contentment,
26764 it does not necessarily follow that he has therefore been struck stone-blind.
26767 It has been observed that one's nose is never so happy as when it
26768 is thrust into the affairs of another, from which some physiologists
26769 have drawn the inference that the nose is devoid of the sense of smell.
26772 It has been said that man is a rational animal. All my life
26773 I have been searching for evidence which could support this.
26774 -- Bertrand Russell
26776 It has been said that Public Relations is the art of winning friends
26777 and getting people under the influence.
26780 It has just been discovered that research causes cancer in rats.
26782 It has long been an article of our folklore that too much knowledge or skill,
26783 or especially consummate expertise, is a bad thing. It dehumanizes those who
26784 achieve it, and makes difficult their commerce with just plain folks, in whom
26785 good old common sense has not been obliterated by mere book learning or fancy
26786 notions. This popular delusion flourishes now more than ever, for we are all
26787 infected with it in the schools, where educationists have elevated it from
26788 folklore to Article of Belief. It enhances their self-esteem and lightens
26789 their labors by providing theoretical justification for deciding that
26790 appreciation, or even simple awareness, is more to be prized than knowledge,
26791 and relating (to self and others), more than skill, in which minimum
26792 competence will be quite enough.
26793 -- The Underground Grammarian
26795 It has long been an axiom of mine that the little things are infinitely
26796 the most important.
26799 It has long been an axiom of mine that the
26800 little things are infinitely the most important.
26801 -- Sir Arthur Conan Doyle, "A Case of Identity"
26803 It has long been known that birds will occasionally build nests in the
26804 manes of horses. The only known solution to this problem is to sprinkle
26805 baker's yeast in the mane, for, as we all know, yeast is yeast and nest
26806 is nest, and never the mane shall tweet.
26808 It has long been known that one horse can run faster
26809 than another -- but which one? Differences are crucial.
26812 It has long been noticed that juries are pitiless for robbery and full of
26813 indulgence for infanticide. A question of interest, my dear Sir! The jury
26814 is afraid of being robbed and has passed the age when it could be a victim
26818 It is a hard matter, my fellow citizens,
26819 to argue with the belly, since it has no ears.
26820 -- Marcus Porcius Cato
26822 It is a lesson which all history teaches
26823 wise men, to put trust in ideas, and not in circumstances.
26826 It is a poor judge who cannot award a prize.
26828 It is a profitable thing, if one is wise, to seem foolish.
26831 It is a sobering thought that when Mozart was
26832 my age, he had been dead for 2 years.
26835 It is a very humbling experience to make a multimillion-dollar mistake, but
26836 it is also very memorable. I vividly recall the night we decided how to
26837 organize the actual writing of external specifications for OS/360. The
26838 manager of architecture, the manager of control program implementation, and
26839 I were threshing out the plan, schedule, and division of responsibilities.
26840 The architecture manager had 10 good men. He asserted that they
26841 could write the specifications and do it right. It would take ten months,
26842 three more than the schedule allowed.
26843 The control program manager had 150 men. He asserted that they
26844 could prepare the specifications, with the architecture team coordinating;
26845 it would be well-done and practical, and he could do it on schedule.
26846 Furthermore, if the architecture team did it, his 150 men would sit twiddling
26847 their thumbs for ten months.
26848 To this the architecture manager responded that if I gave the control
26849 program team the responsibility, the result would not in fact be on time,
26850 but would also be three months late, and of much lower quality. I did, and
26851 it was. He was right on both counts. Moreover, the lack of conceptual
26852 integrity made the system far more costly to build and change, and I would
26853 estimate that it added a year to debugging time.
26854 -- Frederick Brooks Jr., "The Mythical Man Month"
26856 It is a wise father that knows his own child.
26857 -- William Shakespeare, "The Merchant of Venice"
26859 It is against the grain of modern education to teach children to program.
26860 What fun is there in making plans, acquiring discipline in organizing
26861 thoughts, devoting attention to detail, and learning to be self-critical?
26864 It is all right to hold a conversation,
26865 but you should let go of it now and then.
26868 It is always the best policy to speak the truth,
26869 unless of course you are an exceptionally good liar.
26870 -- Jerome K. Jerome
26872 It is always the best policy to tell the truth, unless, of course,
26873 you are an exceptionally good liar.
26874 -- Jerome K. Jerome
26876 It is amazing how complete is the delusion that beauty is goodness.
26878 It is annoying to be honest to no purpose.
26879 -- Publius Ovidius Naso (Ovid)
26881 It is bad luck to be superstitious.
26882 -- Andrew W. Mathis
26884 [It is] best to confuse only one issue at a time.
26887 It is better to be bow-legged than no-legged.
26889 It is better to be on penicillin, than never to have loved at all.
26891 It is better to burn out than it is to rust.
26893 It is better to die on your feet than to live on your knees.
26895 It is better to give than to lend, and it costs about the same.
26897 It is better to have loved a short man than never to have loved a tall.
26899 It is better to have loved and lost -- much better.
26901 It is better to have loved and lost than just to have lost.
26903 It is better to kiss an avocado than to get in a fight with an aardvark.
26905 It is better to live rich than to die rich.
26908 It is better to remain childless than to father an orphan.
26910 It is better to travel hopefully than to fly Continental.
26912 It is better to wear chains than to believe you are free,
26913 and weight yourself down with invisible chains.
26915 It is better to wear out than to rust out.
26917 It is by the fortune of God that, in this country, we have three benefits:
26918 freedom of speech, freedom of thought, and the wisdom never to use either.
26921 It is common sense to take a method and try it. If it fails,
26922 admit it frankly and try another. But above all, try something.
26923 -- Franklin D. Roosevelt
26925 It is contrary to reasoning to say that there
26926 is a vacuum or space in which there is absolutely nothing.
26929 It is convenient that there be gods, and,
26930 as it is convenient, let us believe there are.
26931 -- Publius Ovidius Naso (Ovid)
26933 It is dangerous for a national candidate to say things that people might
26937 It is difficult to legislate morality in the absence of moral legislators.
26939 It is difficult to produce a television documentary that is both incisive
26940 and probing when every twelve minutes one is interrupted by twelve dancing
26941 rabbits singing about toilet paper.
26944 It is difficult to soar with the eagles when you work with turkeys.
26946 It is easier for a camel to pass through the
26947 eye of a needle if it is lightly greased.
26950 It is easier to be a "humanitarian" than to render your own country its
26951 proper due; it is easier to be a "patriot" than to make your community a
26952 better place to live in; it is easier to be a "civic leader" than to treat
26953 your own family with loving understanding; for the smaller the focus of
26954 attention, the harder the task.
26955 -- Sydney J. Harris
26957 It is easier to change the specification to fit the program than vice versa.
26959 It is easier to fight for one's principles than to live up to them.
26962 It is easier to make a saint out of a libertine than out of a prig.
26963 -- George Santayana
26965 It is easier to resist at the beginning than at the end.
26966 -- Leonardo da Vinci
26968 It is easier to run down a hill than up one.
26970 It is easier to write an incorrect program than understand a correct one.
26972 It is easy when we are in prosperity to give advice to the afflicted.
26975 It is enough to make one sympathize with a tyrant for the determination
26976 of his courtiers to deceive him for their own personal ends...
26977 -- Russell Baker and Charles Peters
26979 It is equally bad when one speeds on the guest unwilling to go, and when he
26980 holds back one who is hastening. Rather one should befriend the guest who
26981 is there, but speed him when he wishes.
26982 -- Homer, "The Odyssey"
26984 [Quoted in "VMS Internals and Data Structures", V4.4, when
26985 referring to scheduling.]
26987 It is exactly because a man cannot do a
26988 thing that he is a proper judge of it.
26991 It is explained that all relationships require a little give and take. This
26992 is untrue. Any partnership demands that we give and give and give and at the
26993 last, as we flop into our graves exhausted, we are told that we didn't give
26995 -- Quentin Crisp, "How to Become a Virgin"
26997 It is far better to be deceived than to be undeceived by those we love.
26999 It is far more impressive when others discover your good qualities
27003 It is Fortune, not Wisdom, that rules man's life.
27006 to become lacrymose over precipitately departed lactate fluid.
27008 to attempt to indoctrinate a superannuated canine with
27009 innovative maneuvers.
27011 It is generally agreed that "Hello" is an appropriate greeting because
27012 if you entered a room and said "Goodbye," it could confuse a lot of people.
27013 -- Dolph Sharp, "I'm O.K., You're Not So Hot"
27015 It is idle to attempt to talk a young woman out of her passion:
27016 love does not lie in the ear.
27019 It is imperative when flying coach that you restrain any tendency toward
27020 the vividly imaginative. For although it may momentarily appear to be the
27021 case, it is not at all likely that the cabin is entirely inhabited by
27022 crying babies smoking inexpensive domestic cigars.
27023 -- Fran Lebowitz, "Social Studies"
27025 It is impossible for an optimist to be pleasantly surprised.
27027 It is impossible to defend perfectly
27028 against the attack of those who want to die.
27030 It is impossible to enjoy idling thoroughly
27031 unless one has plenty of work to do.
27032 -- Jerome Klapka Jerome
27034 It is impossible to enjoy idling unless there is plenty of work to do.
27035 -- Jerome K. Jerome
27037 It is impossible to make anything
27038 foolproof because fools are so ingenious.
27040 It is impossible to travel faster than light, and
27041 certainly not desirable, as one's hat keeps blowing off.
27045 So wrapped up in red tape that the situation is almost hopeless.
27047 It is indeed desirable to be well descended,
27048 but the glory belongs to our ancestors.
27051 It is like saying that for the cause of peace,
27052 God and the Devil will have a high-level meeting.
27053 -- Rev. Carl McIntire, on Nixon's China trip
27055 It is most dangerous nowadays for a husband to pay any attention to his
27056 wife in public. It always makes people think that he beats her when
27057 they're alone. The world has grown so suspicious of anything that looks
27058 like a happy married life.
27061 It is much easier to be critical than to be correct.
27062 -- Benjamin Disraeli
27064 It is much easier to suggest solutions
27065 when you know nothing about the problem.
27067 It is much harder to find a job than to keep one.
27069 It is necessary for the welfare of society that genius should be privileged
27070 to utter sedition, to blaspheme, to outrage good taste, to corrupt the
27071 youthful mind, and generally to scandalize one's uncles.
27072 -- George Bernard Shaw
27074 It is no wonder that people are so horrible when they start life as children.
27077 It is not a good omen when goldfish commit suicide.
27079 It is not doing the thing we like to do, but liking the thing we have to do,
27080 that makes life blessed.
27083 It is not enough that I should succeed. Others must fail.
27084 -- Ray Kroc, Founder of McDonald's
27085 [Also attributed to David Merrick. Ed.]
27087 It is not enough to succeed. Others must fail.
27089 [Great minds think alike? Ed.]
27091 It is not enough to have a good mind.
27092 The main thing is to use it well.
27095 It is not enough to have great qualities,
27096 we should also have the management of them.
27097 -- La Rochefoucauld
27099 It is not every question that deserves an answer.
27102 It is not for me to attempt to fathom the
27103 inscrutable workings of Providence.
27104 -- The Earl of Birkenhead
27106 It is not good for a man to be without knowledge,
27107 and he who makes haste with his feet misses his way.
27110 It is not necessary to inquire whether a woman would like something for
27111 dessert. The answer is yes, she would like something for dessert, but
27112 she would like you to order it so she can pick at it with your fork. She
27113 does not want you to call attention to this by saying, 'If you wanted a
27114 dessert, why didn't you order one?' You must understand, she has the
27115 dessert she wants. The dessert she wants is contained within yours.
27116 -- Merrill Marcoe, "An Insider's Guide to the American Woman"
27118 It is not that polar co-ordinates are complicated, it is simply
27119 that cartesian co-ordinates are simpler than they have a right to be.
27120 -- Kleppner & Kolenhow, "An Introduction to Mechanics"
27122 It is not the critic who counts, or how the strong man stumbled, or whether
27123 the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the
27124 man who is actually in the arena, whose face is marred by dust and sweat and
27125 blood, who strives valiantly, who errs and comes short again and again; who
27126 knows the great enthusiasm, the great devotion, and who spends himself in a
27127 worthy cause, and if he fails, at least fails while daring greatly, so that
27128 he'll never be with those cold and timid souls who never know either victory
27132 It is not true that life is one damn thing after
27133 another -- it's one damn thing over and over.
27134 -- Edna St. Vincent Millay
27136 It is November first 1940; in the famous sound stage of THE WIZARD OF OZ on
27137 the MGM lot, a little man is lying face-up on the yellow brick road. His
27138 wide eyes stare upward into the blinding stage lights. He is wearing a
27139 kind of comic soldier's uniform with a yellow coat and puffy sleeves and
27140 big fez-like blue and yellow hat with a feather on top. His yellow hair
27141 and beard are the phony straw color of Hollywood. He could pass for some
27142 kind of cute in the typical tinsel-town way if it wasn't for the knife
27143 sticking out of his chest. *Someone had murdered a Munchkin.*
27144 -- Stuart Kaminsky, "Murder on the Yellow Brick Road"
27146 It is now 10 p.m. Do you know where Henry Kissinger is?
27147 -- Elizabeth Carpenter
27149 It is now pitch dark. If you proceed, you will likely fall into a pit.
27151 It is now quite lawful for a Catholic woman to avoid pregnancy by a resort
27152 to mathematics, though she is still forbidden to resort to physics and
27156 It is often easier to ask for forgiveness than to ask for permission.
27157 -- Grace Murray Hopper
27159 It is one thing to praise discipline, and another to submit to it.
27162 It is only by risking our persons from one hour to another that we live
27163 at all. And often enough our faith beforehand in an uncertified result
27164 is the only thing that makes the result come true.
27167 It is only with the heart one can see clearly;
27168 what is essential is invisible to the eye.
27169 -- The Fox, 'The Little Prince"
27171 It is possible by ingenuity and at the expense of clarity... {to do almost
27172 anything in any language}. However, the fact that it is possible to push
27173 a pea up a mountain with your nose does not mean that this is a sensible
27174 way of getting it there. Each of these techniques of language extension
27175 should be used in its proper place.
27176 -- Christopher Strachey
27178 It is possible that blondes also prefer gentlemen.
27179 -- Maimie Van Doren
27181 It is practically impossible to teach good programming to students that
27182 have had a prior exposure to BASIC: as potential programmers they are
27183 mentally mutilated beyond hope of regeneration.
27184 -- Edsger W. Dijkstra, SIGPLAN Notices, Volume 17, Number 5
27186 It is ridiculous to call this an industry. This is not. This is rat eat
27187 rat, dog eat dog. I'll kill 'em, and I'm going to kill 'em before they
27188 kill me. You're talking about the American way of survival of the fittest.
27189 -- Ray Kroc, founder of McDonald's
27191 It is right that he too should have his little chronicle, his memories,
27192 his reason, and be able to recognize the good in the bad, the bad in the
27193 worst, and so grow gently old all down the unchanging days and die one
27194 day like any other day, only shorter.
27195 -- Samuel Beckett, "Malone Dies"
27197 It is said an Eastern monarch once charged his wise men to invent him a
27198 sentence to be ever in view, and which should be true and appropriate
27199 in all times and situations. They presented him the words: "And this,
27200 too, shall pass away."
27203 It is said that the lonely eagle flies to the mountain peaks while the
27204 lowly ant crawls the ground, but cannot the soul of the ant soar as
27207 It is so soon that I am done for, I wonder what I was begun for.
27208 -- Epitaph, Cheltenham Churchyard
27210 It is so stupid of modern civilisation to have given up believing in the
27211 devil when he is the only explanation of it.
27212 -- Ronald Knox, "Let Dons Delight"
27214 It is so very hard to be an on-your-own-take-care-of-
27215 yourself-because-there-is-no-one-else-to-do-it-for-you grown up.
27217 It is something to be able to paint a particular picture, or to carve a
27218 statue, and so to make a few objects beautiful; but it is far more glorious
27219 to carve and paint the very atmosphere and medium through which we look,
27220 which morally we can do. To affect the quality of the day, that is the
27221 highest of arts. Every man is tasked to make his life, even in its details,
27222 worthy of the contemplation of his most elevated and critical hour.
27223 -- Henry David Thoreau, "Where I Live"
27225 It is sweet to let the mind unbend on occasion.
27226 -- Quintus Horatius Flaccus (Horace)
27228 It is the business of little minds to shrink.
27231 It is the business of the future to be dangerous.
27234 It is the nature of extreme self-lovers, as they will
27235 set an house on fire, and it were but to roast their eggs.
27238 It is the quality rather than the quantity that matters.
27239 -- Lucius Annaeus Seneca
27241 It is the wisdom of crocodiles, that shed tears when they would devour.
27244 It is the wise bird who builds his nest in a tree.
27246 It is through symbols that man consciously or unconsciously
27247 lives, works and has his being.
27250 It is true that if your paperboy throws your paper into the bushes for five
27251 straight days it can be explained by Newton's Law of Gravity. But it takes
27252 Murphy's law to explain why it is happening to you.
27254 It is up to us to produce better-quality movies.
27256 producer of "Stuff Stephanie in the Incinerator"
27258 It is very vulgar to talk like a dentist when one isn't a dentist.
27259 It produces a false impression.
27262 It is when I struggle to be brief that I become obscure.
27263 -- Quintus Horatius Flaccus (Horace)
27265 It is wise to keep in mind that neither success nor failure is ever final.
27268 It is your concern when your neighbor's wall is on fire.
27269 -- Quintus Horatius Flaccus (Horace)
27271 It isn't easy being a Friday kind of person in a Monday kind of world.
27273 It isn't easy being green.
27276 It isn't easy being the parent of a six-year-old. However, it's a pretty
27277 small price to pay for having somebody around the house who understands
27280 It isn't necessary to have relatives in Kansas City in order to be
27284 It isn't whether you win or lose, it's how much money you end up with.
27285 -- Jack T. Shakespeare
27287 It just doesn't seem right to go over the river and through the woods
27288 to Grandmother's condo.
27290 It looked like something resembling white marble, which was
27291 probably what it was: something resembling white marble.
27292 -- Douglas Adams, "The Hitchhikers Guide to the Galaxy"
27294 It looks like blind screaming hedonism won out.
27296 It looks like it's up to me to save our skins.
27297 Get into that garbage chute, flyboy!
27298 -- Princess Leia Organa
27300 IT MAKES ME MAD when I go to all the trouble of having Marta cook up about
27301 a hundred drumsticks, then the guy at Marineland says, "You can't throw
27302 that chicken to the dolphins. They eat fish."
27304 Sure they eat fish if that's all you give them! Man, wise up.
27305 -- Jack Handley, The New Mexican, 1988.
27307 It [marriage] happens as with cages: the birds without despair
27308 to get in, and those within despair of getting out.
27309 -- Michel Eyquem de Montaigne
27311 It matters not whether you win or lose; what matters is whether *I* win
27315 It may be better to be a live jackal than a dead lion, but it is
27316 better still to be a live lion. And usually easier.
27319 It may be that your whole purpose in life
27320 is simply to serve as a warning to others.
27322 It may or may not be worthwhile, but it still has to be done.
27324 It must be remembered that there is nothing more difficult to plan, more
27325 doubtful of success, nor more dangerous to manage, than the creation of
27326 a new system. For the initiator has the enmity of all who would profit
27327 by the preservation of the old institutions and merely lukewarm defenders
27328 in those who would gain by the new ones.
27329 -- Niccolo Machiavelli, 1513
27331 It must have been some unmarried fool that said "A child can ask questions
27332 that a wise man cannot answer"; because, in any decent house, a brat that
27333 starts asking questions is promptly packed off to bed.
27336 It now costs more to amuse a child than it once did to educate his father.
27338 It occurred to me lately that nothing has occurred to me lately.
27340 It pays in England to be a revolutionary and a bible-smacker most of
27341 one's life and then come round.
27342 -- Lord Alfred Douglas
27344 It pays to be obvious, especially if you have a reputation for subtlety.
27346 It proves what they say, give the public what they want to see and
27347 they'll come out for it.
27348 -- Red Skelton, surveying the funeral of Hollywood mogul
27351 It seemed the world was divided into good and bad people. The good ones
27352 slept better... while the bad ones seemed to enjoy the waking hours much
27354 -- Woody Allen, "Side Effects"
27356 It seems a little silly now, but this country
27357 was founded as a protest against taxation.
27359 It seems appropriate to me that Mapplethorpe's perverse images should
27360 be situated so close to Congress, which perpetuates a number of
27361 unnatural acts upon the body politic every day, without benefit of
27362 artificial lubrication or foreplay.
27363 -- Pat Calafia's review of Camille Paglia's
27364 "Sex, Art and American Culture"
27366 It seems intuitively obvious to me, which means that it might be wrong.
27369 It seems that more and more mathematicians are using a new, high level
27370 language named "research student".
27372 It seems to make an auto driver mad if he misses you.
27374 It seems to me that nearly every woman I know wants a man who knows how
27375 to love with authority. Women are simple souls who like simple things,
27376 and one of the simplest is one of the simplest to give. ... Our family
27377 airedale will come clear across the yard for one pat on the head. The
27378 average wife is like that.
27379 -- Episcopal Bishop James Pike
27381 It takes a smart husband to have the last word and not use it.
27383 It takes a special kind of courage to face what we all have to face.
27385 It takes all kinds to fill the freeways.
27388 It takes both a weapon, and two people, to commit a murder.
27390 It takes less time to do a thing right
27391 than it does to explain why you did it wrong.
27394 It takes two to tell the truth: one to speak and one to hear.
27396 It took a while to surface, but it appears that a long-distance credit card
27397 may have saved a U.S. Army unit from heavy casualties during the Grenada
27398 military rescue/invasion. Major General David Nichols, Air Force ... said
27399 the Army unit was in a house surrounded by Cuban forces. One soldier found
27400 a telephone and, using his credit card, called Ft. Bragg, N.C., telling Army
27401 officers there of the perilous situation. The officers in turn called the
27402 Air Force, which sent in gunships to scatter the Cubans and relieve the unit.
27403 -- Aviation Week and Space Technology
27405 It took me fifteen years to discover that I had no talent for writing,
27406 but I couldn't give it up because by that time I was too famous.
27409 It turned out that the worm exploited three or four different holes in the
27410 system. From this, and the fact that we were able to capture and examine
27411 some of the source code, we realized that we were dealing with someone very
27412 sharp, probably not someone here on campus.
27413 -- Dr. Richard LeBlanc, associate professor of ICS, in
27414 Georgia Tech's campus newspaper after the Internet worm.
27416 It used to be the fun was in
27417 The capture and kill.
27418 In another place and time
27419 I did it all for thrills.
27422 It usually takes more than three weeks to prepare a good impromptu speech.
27425 It was a book to kill time for those who liked it better dead.
27427 It was a brave man that ate the first oyster.
27429 It was a fine, sweet night, the nicest since my divorce, maybe the nicest
27430 since the middle of my marriage. There was energy, softness, grace and
27431 laughter. I even took my socks off. In my circle, that means class.
27432 -- Andrew Bergman "The Big Kiss-off of 1944"
27434 It was a Roman who said it was sweet to die for one's country. The Greeks
27435 never said it was sweet to die for anything. They had no vital lies.
27436 -- Edith Hamilton, "The Greek Way"
27438 It was all so different before everything changed.
27440 It was kinda like stuffing the wrong card in a computer,
27441 when you're stickin' those artificial stimulants in your arm.
27442 -- Dion, noted computer scientist
27444 It was one of those perfect summer days -- the sun was shining, a breeze
27445 was blowing, the birds were singing, and the lawn mower was broken ...
27448 It was one time too many
27450 It was all too much for me and you
27451 There was one way to go
27452 Nothing more we could do
27457 It was Penguin lust... at its ugliest.
27459 It was pity stayed his hand. "Pity I don't have any more bullets,"
27461 -- Harvard Lampoon, "Bored of the Rings"
27463 It was pleasant to me to get a letter from you the other day. Perhaps
27464 I should have found it pleasanter if I had been able to decipher it. I
27465 don't think that I mastered anything beyond the date (which I knew) and
27466 the signature (which I guessed at). There's a singular and a perpetual
27467 charm in a letter of yours; it never grows old, it never loses its
27468 novelty. Other letters are read and thrown away and forgotten, but
27469 yours are kept forever -- unread. One of them will last a reasonable
27473 It was raining heavily, and the motorist had car trouble on a lonely country
27474 road. Anxious to find shelter for the night, he walked over to a farmhouse
27475 and knocked on the front door. No one responded. He could feel the water
27476 from the roof running down the back of his neck as he stood on the stoop.
27477 The next time he knocked louder, but still no answer. By now he was soaked
27478 to the skin. Desperately he pounded on the door. At last the head of a
27479 man appeared out of an upstairs window.
27480 "What do you want?" he asked gruffly.
27481 "My car broke down," said the traveler, "and I want to know if you
27482 would let me stay here for the night."
27483 "Sure," replied the man. "If you want to stay there all night, it's
27486 It was the Law of the Sea, they said. Civilization ends at the waterline.
27487 Beyond that, we all enter the food chain, and not always right at the top.
27488 -- Hunter S. Thompson
27490 It was wonderful to find America, but it
27491 would have been more wonderful to miss it.
27494 It wasn't exactly a divorce -- I was traded.
27497 It wasn't that she had a rose in her teeth, exactly.
27498 It was more like the rose and the teeth were in the same glass.
27500 It would be nice to be sure of anything
27501 the way some people are of everything.
27503 It would save me a lot of time if you just gave up and went mad now.
27506 Slanted to the right to emphasize key phrases. Unique to
27507 Western alphabets; in Eastern languages, the same phrases
27508 are often slanted to the left.
27510 It'll be a nice world if they ever get it finished.
27512 It'll be just like Beggars Canyon back home.
27515 It's a .88 magnum -- it goes through schools.
27518 It's a brave man who, when things are at their darkest, can kick back
27520 -- Dennis Quaid, "Inner Space"
27522 It's a damn poor mind that can only think of one way to spell a word.
27525 It's a dog-eat-dog world out there, and I'm wearing Milkbone underwear.
27528 It's a naive, domestic operating system without any
27529 breeding, but I think you'll be amused by its presumption.
27531 It's a poor workman who blames his tools.
27533 It's a recession when your neighbour loses his job; it's a depression
27534 when you lose yours.
27537 It's a small world, but I wouldn't want to have to paint it.
27540 It's all in the mind, ya know.
27542 It's all right letting yourself go as long as you can let yourself back.
27545 "It's all so painfully empty and lonesome... I don't think I can stand
27546 any more of it... the whole dreadful way we are born, die, and are
27547 never missed. The fact there is *nobody*... nobody really... We come
27548 out of a yawning tomb of flesh and sink back finally into another tomb.
27549 What is the point of it all? Who thought up this sickening circle of
27550 flesh and blood? We come into the world bleeding and cut and our bones
27551 half-crushed only to emerge and suffer more torment, multilation, and
27552 then at the last lie down in some hole in the ground forever. Who could
27553 have thought it up, I wonder?"
27556 It's always darkest just before the lights go out.
27559 It's amazing how many people you could be friends
27560 with if only they'd make the first approach.
27562 It's amazing how much better you feel once you've given up hope.
27564 It's amazing how much "mature wisdom" resembles being too tired.
27566 It's amazing how nice people are to you when they know you're going away.
27569 It's bad enough that life is a rat-race,
27570 but why do the rats always have to win?
27572 It's better to be quotable than to be honest.
27575 It's better to be wanted for murder that not to be wanted at all.
27578 It's better to burn out than it is to rust.
27580 It's better to burn out than to fade away.
27582 It's better to have loved and lost -- much better.
27584 It's business doing pleasure with you.
27586 It's clever, but is it art?
27588 It's difficult to see the picture when you are inside the frame.
27590 "It's easier said than done."
27592 ... and if you don't believe it, try proving that it's easier done than
27593 said, and you'll see that "it's easier said that `it's easier done than
27594 said' than it is done", which really proves that "it's easier said than
27597 It's easier to be a liberal a long way from home.
27600 It's easier to get forgiveness for being
27601 wrong than forgiveness for being right.
27603 It's easier to take it apart than to put it back together.
27606 It's easy to forgive someone for being wrong;
27607 it's much harder to forgive them for being right.
27609 It's easy to make a friend. What's hard is to make a stranger.
27611 It's fabulous! We haven't seen anything like it in the last half an hour!
27614 Its failings notwithstanding, there is much to be said in favor of journalism
27615 in that by giving us the opinion of the uneducated, it keeps us in touch with
27616 the ignorance of the community.
27619 It's faster horses,
27623 -- Tom T. Hall, "The Secret of Life"
27625 It's from Casablanca. I've been waiting all my life to use that line.
27626 -- Woody Allen, "Play It Again, Sam"
27628 It's getting uncommonly easy to kill people in large numbers, and the
27629 first thing a principle does -- if it really is a principle -- is to
27633 It's gonna be alright,
27634 It's almost midnight,
27635 And I've got two more bottles of wine.
27637 It's hard not to like a man of many qualities,
27638 even if most of them are bad.
27640 It's hard to argue that God hated Oklahoma.
27641 If He didn't, why is it so close to Texas?
27643 It's hard to be humble when you're perfect.
27645 It's hard to drive at the limit, but
27646 it's harder to know where the limits are.
27649 It's hard to get ivory in Africa, but in Alabama the Tuscaloosa.
27652 It's hard to keep your shirt on when
27653 you're getting something off your chest.
27655 It's hard to outrun dead people because they don't have to breathe.
27656 -- Hokey, describing "Night of the Living Dead"
27658 It's hard to think of you as the end
27659 result of millions of years of evolution.
27661 It's important that people know what you stand for.
27662 It's more important that they know what you won't stand for.
27664 It's interesting to think that many quite
27665 distinguished people have bodies similar to yours.
27667 It's is not, it isn't ain't, and it's it's, not its, if you mean it is.
27668 If you don't, it's its. Then too, it's hers. It isn't her's. It isn't
27669 our's either. It's ours, and likewise yours and theirs.
27670 -- Oxford University Press, "Edpress News"
27672 It's just apartment house rules,
27673 So all you 'partment house fools
27674 Remember: one man's ceiling is another man's floor.
27675 One man's ceiling is another man's floor.
27676 -- Paul Simon, "One Man's Ceiling Is Another Man's Floor"
27678 It's later than you think.
27680 It's later than you think, the joint
27681 Russian-American space mission has already begun.
27683 It's like deja vu all over again.
27690 and even the teddy bears
27693 It's lucky you're going so slowly, because
27694 you're going in the wrong direction.
27696 It's multiple choice time...
27700 a: Between thre and fiv tran.
27701 b: What two computers engage in before they interface.
27704 Its name is Public Opinion. It is held in reverence.
27705 It settles everything. Some think it is the voice of God.
27708 It's never too late to have a happy childhood.
27710 It's no longer a question of staying healthy. It's a question of finding
27711 a sickness you like.
27714 It's no use crying over spilt milk -- it only makes it salty for the cat.
27716 It's not against any religion to want to dispose of a pigeon.
27719 It's not an optical illusion, it just looks like one.
27722 It's not Camelot, but it's not Cleveland, either.
27723 -- Kevin White, Mayor of Boston
27725 It's not easy being green.
27728 It's not enough to be Hungarian; you must have talent too.
27731 It's not hard to admit errors that are [only] cosmetically wrong.
27734 It's not reality that's important, but how you perceive things.
27736 It's not that I'm afraid to die.
27737 I just don't want to be there when it happens.
27740 It's not the fall that kills you, it's the landing.
27742 It's not the men in my life, but the life in my men that counts.
27745 It's not whether you win or lose but how you look playing the game.
27747 It's not whether you win or lose but how you played the game.
27750 It's not whether you win or lose, it's how you look playing the game.
27752 It's not whether you win or lose, it's how you place the blame.
27754 It's odd, and a little unsettling, to reflect upon the fact that English is
27755 the only major language in which "I" is capitalized; in many other languages
27756 "You" is capitalized and the "i" is lower case.
27757 -- Sydney J. Harris
27759 It's only by NOT taking the human race seriously that I retain
27760 what fragments of my once considerable mental powers I still possess.
27763 It's our fault. We should have given him better parts.
27764 -- Jack Warner, on hearing that Reagan had been
27765 elected governor of California.
27767 [Warner is also reported to have said, when told of Reagan's candidacy
27768 for governor, "No, Jimmy Stewart for Governor; Reagan for best friend."]
27770 It's possible that the whole purpose of your life is to serve
27771 as a warning to others.
27773 It's pretty hard to tell what does bring happiness;
27774 poverty and wealth have both failed.
27777 It's really quite a simple choice: Life, Death, or Los Angeles.
27779 It's reassuring to know that if you behave strangely enough,
27780 society will take full responsibility for you.
27782 It's recently come to Fortune's attention that scientists have stopped
27783 using laboratory rats in favor of attorneys. Seems that there are not
27784 only more of them, but you don't get so emotionally attached. The only
27785 difficulty is that it's sometimes difficult to apply the experimental
27788 [Also, there are some things even a rat won't do. Ed.]
27790 It's so beautifully arranged on the plate -- you know someone's fingers
27791 have been all over it.
27792 -- Julia Child on nouvelle cuisine.
27794 It's so confusing choosing sides in the heat of the moment,
27795 just to see if it's real,
27796 Oooh, it's so erotic having you tell me how it should feel,
27797 But I'm avoiding all the hard cold facts that I got to face,
27798 So ask me just one question when this magic night is through,
27799 Could it have been just anyone or did it have to be you?
27800 -- Billy Joel, "Glass Houses"
27802 It's so stupid of modern civilization to have given up believing in the
27803 Devil when he is the only explanation for it.
27805 It's sweet to be remembered, but it's often cheaper to be forgotten.
27807 It's ten o'clock; do you know where your processes are?
27809 It's the good girls who keep the diaries, the bad girls never have the time.
27810 -- Tallulah Bankhead
27812 It's the opinion of some that crops could be grown on the moon. Which raises
27813 the fear that it may not be long before we're paying somebody not to.
27814 -- Franklin P. Jones
27816 It's the same old story; boy meets beer, boy drinks beer...
27817 boy gets another beer.
27820 "It's today!" said Piglet.
27821 "My favorite day," said Pooh.
27823 It's useless to try to hold some people to anything they say while they're
27824 madly in love, drunk, or running for office.
27826 It's very glamorous to raise millions of dollars, until it's time for the
27827 venture capitalist to suck your eyeballs out.
27828 -- Peter Kennedy, chairman of Kraft & Kennedy.
27830 It's very inconvenient to be mortal -- you never
27831 know when everything may suddenly stop happening.
27833 IV. The time required for an object to fall twenty stories is greater than or
27834 equal to the time it takes for whoever knocked it off the ledge to
27835 spiral down twenty flights to attempt to capture it unbroken.
27836 Such an object is inevitably priceless, the attempt to capture it
27837 inevitably unsuccessful.
27838 V. All principles of gravity are negated by fear.
27839 Psychic forces are sufficient in most bodies for a shock to propel
27840 them directly away from the earth's surface. A spooky noise or an
27841 adversary's signature sound will induce motion upward, usually to
27842 the cradle of a chandelier, a treetop, or the crest of a flagpole.
27843 The feet of a character who is running or the wheels of a speeding
27844 auto need never touch the ground, especially when in flight.
27845 VI. As speed increases, objects can be in several places at once.
27846 This is particularly true of tooth-and-claw fights, in which a
27847 character's head may be glimpsed emerging from the cloud of
27848 altercation at several places simultaneously. This effect is common
27849 as well among bodies that are spinning or being throttled. A "wacky"
27850 character has the option of self-replication only at manic high
27851 speeds and may ricochet off walls to achieve the velocity required.
27852 -- Esquire, "O'Donnell's Laws of Cartoon Motion", June 1980
27854 I've already told you more than I know.
27856 I've always considered statesmen to be more expendable than soldiers.
27858 I've always felt sorry for people that don't drink -- remember,
27859 when they wake up, that's as good as they're gonna feel all day!
27861 I've always made it a solemn practice to never
27862 drink anything stronger than tequila before breakfast.
27865 I've been in more laps than a napkin.
27870 I've been on a diet for two weeks and all I've lost is two weeks.
27873 I've been on this lonely road so long,
27874 Does anybody know where it goes,
27875 I remember last time the signs pointed home,
27877 -- Carpenters, "Road Ode"
27881 I've built a better model than the one at Data General
27882 For data bases vegetable, animal, and mineral
27883 My OS handles CPUs with multiplexed duality;
27884 My PL/1 compiler shows impressive functionality.
27885 My storage system's better than magnetic core polarity,
27886 You never have to bother checking out a bit for parity;
27887 There isn't any reason to install non-static floor matting;
27888 My disk drive has capacity for variable formatting.
27890 I feel compelled to mention what I know to be a gloating point:
27891 There's lots of room in memory for variables floating-point,
27892 Which shows for input vegetable, animal, and mineral
27893 I've built a better model than the one at Data General.
27895 -- Steve Levine, "A Computer Song", (To the tune of
27896 "Modern Major General")
27898 I've finally learned what "upward compatible" means.
27899 It means we get to keep all our old mistakes.
27900 -- Dennie van Tassel
27902 I've given up reading books; I find it takes my mind off myself.
27904 I've got a very bad feeling about this.
27907 I've got all the money I'll ever need if I die by 4 o'clock.
27910 I've got some powdered water, but I don't know what to add.
27913 I've had a perfectly wonderful evening. But this wasn't it.
27916 I've had one child. My husband wants to have another.
27917 I'd like to watch him have another.
27919 I've looked at the listing, and it's right!
27922 I've never been canoeing before, but I imagine there must
27923 be just a few simple heuristics you have to remember...
27925 Yes, don't fall out, and don't hit rocks.
27927 I've never been drunk, but often I've been overserved.
27930 I've never been hurt by anything I didn't say.
27933 I've never had a problem with drugs; I've had problems with the police.
27936 I never turn blue in anyone's bathroom. I think that's the height of
27940 I've never struck a woman in my life, not even my own mother.
27943 I've noticed several design suggestions in your code.
27945 I've only got 12 cards.
27947 I've spent almost all of my life with highly intelligent men. They're not
27948 like other men. Their spirit is great and stimulating. They hate strife;
27949 indeed they reject it. Their inventive gifts are boundless. They demand
27950 devotion and obedience. And a sense of humor. I happily gave all of this.
27951 I was lucky to be chosen and clever enough to understand them.
27952 -- Marlene Dietrich, on her friendship with Ernest Hemingway
27954 I've tried several varieties of sex. The conventional position makes
27955 me claustrophobic, and the others either give me a stiff neck or lockjaw.
27956 -- Tallulah Bankhead
27958 Jacquin's Postulate on Democratic Government:
27959 No man's life, liberty, or property are safe while the
27960 legislature is in session.
27964 shy ones, the bold paul scorns all
27965 ones; the meek the girls(the
27966 proud sloppy sleek) bright ones, the dim
27967 all except the cold ones; the slim
27968 ones plump tiny tall)
27973 warped ones, the lamed mike likes all the girls
27975 moronic maimed) fat ones, the lean
27976 all except ones; the mean
27977 the dead ones kind dirty clean)
27979 except the green ones
27982 James McNeill Whistler's (painter of "Whistler's Mother") failure in his
27983 West Point chemistry examination once provoked him to remark in later life,
27984 "If silicon had been a gas, I should have been a major general."
27986 Jane and I got mixed up with a television show -- or as we call it back
27987 east here: TV -- a clever contraction derived from the words Terrible
27988 Vaudeville. However, it is our latest medium -- we call it a medium
27989 because nothing's well done. It was discovered, I suppose you've heard,
27990 by a man named Fulton Berle, and it has already revolutionized social
27991 grace by cutting down parlour conversation to two sentences: "What's on
27992 television?" and "Good night".
27993 -- Goodman Ace, letter to Groucho Marx, in The Groucho
27997 A fictional place where elves, gnomes and economic imperialists
27998 create electronic equipment and computers using black magic. It
27999 is said that in the capital city of Akihabara, the streets are
28000 paved with gold and semiconductor chips grow on low bushes from
28001 which they are harvested by the happy natives.
28003 Jealousy is all the fun you think they have.
28008 Jim, it's Grace at the bank. I checked your Christmas Club account.
28009 You don't have five-hundred dollars. You have fifty. Sorry, computer foul-up!
28011 Jim, it's Jack. I'm at the airport. I'm going to Tokyo and wanna pay
28012 you the five-hundred I owe you. Catch you next year when I get back!
28015 In a large locker room with hundreds of lockers, the few people
28016 using the facility at any one time will all have lockers next to
28017 each other so that everybody is cramped.
28019 Jim, this is Janelle. I'm flying tonight, so I can't make our date, and
28020 I gotta find a safe place for Daffy. He loves you, Jim! It's only two
28021 days, and you'll see. Great Danes are no problem!
28023 Jim, this is Matty down at Ralph's and Mark's. Some guy named Angel
28024 Martin just ran up a fifty buck bar tab. And now he wants to charge it
28025 to you. You gonna pay it?
28028 The excruciating process during which personnel officers
28029 separate the wheat from the chaff -- then hire the chaff.
28032 Telling your boss what he can do with your job.
28034 Joe Cool always spends the first two weeks at college sailing his frisbee.
28037 Joe sat as his dying wife's bedside.
28038 Her voice was little more than a whisper.
28039 "Joe, darling," she breathed, "I've got a confession to make
28040 before I go. I ... I'm the one who took the $10,000 from your safe...
28041 I spent it on a fling with your best friend, Charles. And it was I who
28042 forced your mistress to leave the city. And I am the one who reported
28043 your income-tax evasion to the I.R.S..."
28044 "That's all right, dearest, don't give it a second thought,"
28045 whispered Joe. "I'm the one who poisoned you."
28047 Joe's sister puts spaghetti in her shoes!
28050 An odd sort of person with a thing for pain.
28052 John Dame May Oscar
28053 Was Gay Was Whitty Was Wilde
28054 But Gerard Hopkins But John Greenleaf But Thornton
28055 Was Manley Was Whittier Was Wilder
28058 John Birch Society:
28059 That pathetic manifestation of organized apoplexy.
28060 -- Edward P. Morgan
28062 JOHN PAUL ELECTED POPE!!
28064 (George and Ringo miffed.)
28066 John the Baptist after poisoning a thief,
28067 Looks up at his hero, the Commander-in-Chief,
28068 Saying tell me great leader, but please make it brief
28069 Is there a hole for me to get sick in?
28070 The Commander-in-Chief answers him while chasing a fly,
28071 Saying death to all those who would whimper and cry.
28072 And dropping a barbell he points to the sky,
28073 Saying the sun is not yellow, it's chicken.
28074 -- Bob Dylan, "Tombstone Blues"
28076 Johnny Carson's Definition:
28077 The smallest interval of time known to man is that which occurs
28078 in Manhattan between the traffic signal turning green and the
28079 taxi driver behind you blowing his horn.
28081 Johnson's First Law:
28082 When any mechanical contrivance fails, it will do so at the
28083 most inconvenient possible time.
28086 Systems resemble the organizations that create them.
28088 Join in the new game that's sweeping the country. It's called "Bureaucracy".
28089 Everybody stands in a circle. The first person to do anything loses.
28091 Join the army, see the world, meet interesting,
28092 exciting people, and kill them.
28094 Join the Navy; sail to far-off exotic lands,
28095 meet exciting interesting people, and kill them.
28098 Anyone who makes a significant contribution to any field of
28099 endeavor, and stays in that field long enough, becomes an
28100 obstruction to its progress -- in direct proportion to the
28101 importance of their original contribution.
28104 The man who smiles when things go wrong has thought of someone
28107 Joshu: What is the true Way?
28108 Nansen: Every way is the true Way.
28110 N: The more you study, the further from the Way.
28111 J: If I don't study it, how can I know it?
28112 N: The Way does not belong to things seen: nor to things unseen.
28113 It does not belong to things known: nor to things unknown. Do
28114 not seek it, study it, or name it. To find yourself on it, open
28115 yourself as wide as the sky.
28117 Journalism is literature in a hurry.
28120 Journalism will kill you, but it will keep you alive while you're at it.
28122 Juall's Law on Nice Guys:
28123 Nice guys don't always finish last; sometimes they don't finish.
28124 Sometimes they don't even get a chance to start!
28126 Judges, as a class, display, in the matter of arranging alimony, that
28127 reckless generosity which is found only in men who are giving away
28128 someone else's cash.
28129 -- P.G. Wodehouse, "Louder and Funnier"
28131 Just a few of the perfect excuses for having some strawberry shortcake.
28134 1: It's less calories than two pieces of strawberry shortcake.
28135 2: It's cheaper than going to France.
28136 3: It neutralizes the brownies I had yesterday.
28138 5: It's somebody's birthday. I don't want them to celebrate alone.
28139 6: It matches my eyes.
28140 7: Whoever said, "Let them eat cake." must have been talking to me.
28141 8: To punish myself for eating dessert yesterday.
28142 9: Compensation for all the time I spend in the shower not eating.
28143 10: Strawberry shortcake is evil. I must help rid the world of it.
28144 11: I'm getting weak from eating all that healthy stuff.
28145 12: It's the second anniversary of the night I ate plain broccoli.
28147 Just a song before I go, Going through security
28148 To whom it may concern, I held her for so long.
28149 Traveling twice the speed of sound She finally looked at me in love,
28150 It's easy to get burned. And she was gone.
28151 When the shows were over Just a song before I go,
28152 We had to get back home, A lesson to be learned.
28153 And when we opened up the door Traveling twice the speed of sound
28154 I had to be alone. It's easy to get burned.
28155 She helped me with my suitcase,
28156 She stands before my eyes,
28157 Driving me to the airport
28158 And to the friendly skies.
28159 -- Crosby, Stills, Nash, "Just a Song Before I Go"
28161 Just as I cannot remember any time when I could not read and write, I cannot
28162 remember any time when I did not exercise my imagination in daydreams about
28166 Just as most issues are seldom black or white, so are most good solutions
28167 seldom black or white. Beware of the solution that requires one side to be
28168 totally the loser and the other side to be totally the winner. The reason
28169 there are two sides to begin with usually is because neither side has all
28170 the facts. Therefore, when the wise mediator effects a compromise, he is
28171 not acting from political motivation. Rather, he is acting from a deep
28172 sense of respect for the whole truth.
28173 -- Stephen R. Schwambach
28175 Just because everything is different doesn't mean anything has changed.
28178 Just because he's dead is no reason to lay off work.
28180 Just because I turn down a contract on a guy doesn't mean he isn't
28184 Just because the message may never be
28185 received does not mean it is not worth sending.
28187 Just because they are called 'forbidden' transitions does not mean that they
28188 are forbidden. They are less allowed than allowed transitions, if you see
28190 -- From a Part 2 Quantum Mechanics lecture.
28192 Just because you like my stuff doesn't mean I owe you anything.
28195 Just because your doctor has a name for your
28196 condition doesn't mean he knows what it is.
28198 Just because you're paranoid doesn't mean they AREN'T after you.
28200 Just close your eyes, tap your heels together three times,
28201 and think to yourself, `There's no place like home.'
28204 Just give Alice some pencils and she will stay busy for hours.
28206 Just how difficult it is to write biography can be reckoned by anybody
28207 who sits down and considers just how many people know the real truth
28208 about his or her love affairs.
28211 Just machines to make big decisions,
28212 Programmed by men for compassion and vision,
28213 We'll be clean when their work is done,
28214 We'll be eternally free, yes, eternally young,
28215 What a beautiful world this will be,
28216 What a glorious time to be free.
28217 -- Donald Fagon, "What A Beautiful World"
28219 Just once, I wish we would encounter
28220 an alien menace that wasn't immune to bullets.
28221 -- The Brigader, "Dr. Who"
28223 Just remember, wherever you go, there you are.
28226 `Just the place for a Snark!' the Bellman cried,
28227 As he landed his crew with care;
28228 Supporting each man on the top of the tide
28229 By a finger entwined in his hair.
28231 `Just the place for a Snark! I have said it twice:
28232 That alone should encourage the crew.
28233 Just the place for a Snark! I have said it thrice:
28234 What I tell you three times is true.'
28236 Just to have it is enough.
28238 Just weigh your own hurt against the hurt
28239 of all the others, and then do what's best.
28240 -- Lovers and Other Strangers
28242 Just what does "it" mean in the sentence, "What time is it?"
28244 Just yesterday morning, they let me know you were gone,
28245 Suzanne, the plans they made put an end to you,
28246 I went out this morning and I wrote down this song,
28247 Just can't remember who to send it to...
28249 Oh, I've seen fire and I've seen rain,
28250 I've seen sunny days that I thought would never end,
28251 I've seen lonely times when I could not find a friend,
28252 But I always thought that I'd see you again.
28253 Thought I'd see you one more time again.
28254 -- James Taylor, "Fire and Rain"
28257 A decision in your favor.
28259 Justice is incidental to law and order.
28263 A decision in your favor.
28266 In the fight between you and the world, back the world.
28267 -- Franz Kafka, "RS's 1974 Expectation of Days"
28269 Kamikazes do it once.
28272 Where the men are men and so are the women!
28274 Karlson's Theorem of Snack Food Packages:
28276 For all P, where P is a package of snack food, P is a SINGLE-SERVING
28277 package of snack food.
28279 Gibson the Cat's Corollary:
28281 For all L, where L is a package of lunch meat, L is Gibson's package
28284 Kath: Can he be present at the birth of his child?
28285 Ed: It's all any reasonable child can expect if the dad is present
28287 -- Joe Orton, "Entertaining Mr. Sloane"
28290 Men and nations will act rationally when
28291 all other possibilities have been exhausted.
28293 History teaches us that men and nations behave wisely once they have
28294 exhausted all other alternatives.
28297 Kaufman's First Law of Party Physics:
28298 Population density is inversely proportional
28299 to the square of the distance from the keg.
28302 A policy is a restrictive document to prevent a recurrence
28303 of a single incident, in which that incident is never mentioned.
28305 Keep a diary and one day it'll keep you.
28308 Keep America beautiful. Swallow your beer cans.
28310 Keep ancient lands, your storied pomp! cries she
28311 With silent lips. Give me your tired, your poor,
28312 Your huddled masses yearning to breathe free,
28313 The wretched refuse of your teeming shore.
28314 Send these, the homeless, tempest-tossed to me...
28315 -- Emma Lazarus, "The New Colossus"
28317 Keep cool, but don't freeze.
28318 -- Hellman's Mayonnaise
28320 Keep emotionally active. Cater to your favorite neurosis.
28322 Keep grandma off the streets -- legalize bingo.
28324 Keep in mind always the four constant Laws of Frisbee:
28325 1) The most powerful force in the world is that of a disc
28326 straining to land under a car, just out of reach (this
28327 force is technically termed "car suck").
28328 2) Never precede any maneuver by a comment more predictive
28330 3) The probability of a Frisbee hitting something is directly
28331 proportional to the cost of hitting it. For instance, a
28332 Frisbee will always head directly towards a policeman or
28333 a little old lady rather than the beat up Chevy.
28334 4) Your best throw happens when no one is watching; when the
28335 cute girl you've been trying to impress is watching, the
28336 Frisbee will invariably bounce out of your hand or hit you
28337 in the head and knock you silly.
28339 Keep it short for pithy sake.
28341 Keep on keepin' on.
28343 Keep patting your enemy on the back until a
28344 small bullet hole appears between your fingers.
28347 Keep the number of passes in a compiler to a minimum.
28350 Keep the phase, baby.
28352 Keep up the good work! But please don't ask me to help.
28354 Keep women you cannot. Marry them and they come to hate the way
28355 you walk across the room; remain their lover, and they jilt you
28356 at the end of six months.
28359 Keep your boss's boss off your boss's back.
28361 Keep your Eye on the Ball,
28362 Your Shoulder to the Wheel,
28363 Your Nose to the Grindstone,
28364 Your Feet on the Ground,
28365 Your Head on your Shoulders.
28366 Now... try to get something DONE!
28368 Keep your eyes wide open before marriage, half shut afterwards.
28369 -- Benjamin Franklin
28371 Keep your laws off my body!
28373 Keep your mouth shut and people will think you stupid;
28374 Open it and you remove all doubt.
28376 Kennedy's Market Theorem:
28377 Given enough inside information and unlimited credit,
28378 you've got to go broke.
28381 Look for it first where you'd most like to find it.
28384 1. To pack type together as tightly as the kernels on an ear
28385 of corn. 2. In parts of Brooklyn and Queens, N.Y., a small,
28386 metal object used as part of the monetary system.
28389 A part of an operating system that preserves the medieval
28390 traditions of sorcery and black art.
28392 Kettering's Observation:
28393 Logic is an organized way of going wrong with confidence.
28395 Kids always brighten up a house; mostly by leaving the lights on.
28397 Kids have *never* taken guidance from their parents. If you could travel
28398 back in time and observe the original primate family in the original tree,
28399 you would see the primate parents yelling at the primate teenager for sitting
28400 around and sulking all day instead of hunting for grubs and berries like
28401 dad primate. Then you'd see the primate teenager stomp up to his branch
28402 and slam the leaves.
28405 Kill a commy for your mommy.
28407 Kill 'em all, and let God sort 'em out.
28409 Kill for the love of killing! Kill for the love of Kali!
28414 Murder, Maim, and Mutilate!
28419 Killing turkeys causes winter.
28423 Kime's Law for the Reward of Meekness:
28424 Turning the other cheek merely ensures two bruised cheeks.
28427 An affliction of the blood.
28429 Kindness is a language which the deaf can hear and the blind can read.
28432 Kindness is the beginning of cruelty.
28435 Kington's Law of Perforation:
28436 If a straight line of holes is made in a piece of paper, such
28437 as a sheet of stamps or a check, that line becomes the strongest
28440 Kinkler's First Law:
28441 Responsibility always exceeds authority.
28443 Kinkler's Second Law:
28444 All the easy problems have been solved.
28446 Kirk to Enterprise...
28448 Kirk to Enterprise -- beam down yeoman Rand and a six-pack.
28450 Kiss a non-smoker; taste the difference.
28452 Kiss me, Kate, we will be married o' Sunday.
28453 -- William Shakespeare, "The Taming of the Shrew"
28455 Kiss me twice. I'm schizophrenic.
28457 Kiss your keyboard goodbye!
28459 Kissing a fish is like smoking a bicycle.
28461 Kissing a smoker is like licking an ashtray.
28463 Kissing don't last, cookery do.
28466 Kissing your hand may make you feel very good, but a diamond and
28467 sapphire bracelet lasts for ever.
28468 -- Anita Loos, "Gentlemen Prefer Blondes"
28470 Kitchen activity is highlighted.
28471 Butter up a friend.
28473 Kites rise highest against the wind -- not with it.
28474 -- Winston Churchill
28476 Klatu barada nikto.
28478 Kleeneness is next to Godelness.
28480 Klein bottle for rent -- inquire within.
28485 Kliban's First Law of Dining:
28486 Never eat anything bigger than your head.
28488 Klingon phaser attack from front!!!!!
28489 100% Damage to life support!!!!
28492 An ill-assorted collection of poorly-matching parts, forming a
28494 -- Jackson Granholm, "Datamation"
28497 It is now proved beyond doubt that smoking is one of the leading
28498 causes of statistics.
28500 Knights are hardly worth it.
28501 I mean, all that shell and so little meat...
28507 Sam and Janet Evening...
28509 Knock Knock... (who's there?) Ether! (ether who?) Eather Bunny... Yea!
28512 Stay on the Happy side, always on the happy side,
28513 Stay on the Happy side of life!
28514 Bum bum bum bum bum bum
28515 You will feel no pain, as we drive you insane,
28516 So Stay on the Happy Side of life!
28518 Knock Knock... (who's there?) Anna! (anna who?)
28519 An another eather bunny... [chorus]
28520 Knock Knock... (who's there?) Stilla! (stilla who?)
28521 Still another ether bunny... [chorus]
28522 Knock Knock... (who's there?) Yetta! (yetta who?)
28523 Yet another ether bunny... [chorus]
28524 Knock Knock... (who's there?) Cargo! (cargo who?)
28525 Cargo beep beep and run over eather bunny... [chorus]
28526 Knock Knock... (who's there?) Boo! (boo who?)
28527 Don't Cry! Eather bunny be back next year! [chorus]
28529 Knocked, you weren't in.
28532 Know how to save 5 drowning lawyers?
28540 Know thyself. If you need help, call the C.I.A.
28542 Know what I hate most? Rhetorical questions.
28546 Things you believe.
28548 Knowledge is power.
28551 Knowledge is power -- knowledge shared is power lost.
28552 -- Aleister Crowley
28554 Knowledge without common sense is folly.
28556 Knucklehead: "Knock, knock"
28557 Pee Wee: "Who's there?"
28558 Knucklehead: "Little ol' lady."
28559 Pee Wee: "Liddle ol' lady who?"
28560 Knucklehead: "I didn't know you could yodel"
28563 You can never tell which way the train went by looking at the tracks.
28566 You can never tell which way the train went by looking at the track.
28569 (chemical symbol: Kr) The metallic silver coating found
28570 on fast-food game cards.
28571 -- "Sniglets", Rich Hall & Friends
28574 Where the only way to determine that the seasons have changed
28575 is to note that people have changed the main topic of conversation.
28576 From mud slides to brush fires.
28579 One of the processes whereby A acquires property for B.
28582 Lack of capability is usually disguised by lack of interest.
28584 Lack of money is the root of all evil.
28585 -- George Bernard Shaw
28590 3. Never volunteer for anything.
28593 Manhandling the "open here" spout on a milk carton so badly that
28594 one has to resort to using the "illegal" side.
28595 -- "Sniglets", Rich Hall & Friends
28597 La-dee-dee, la-dee-dah.
28599 Ladies and Gentlemen, Hobos and Tramps,
28600 Cross-eyed mosquitoes and bowlegged ants,
28601 I come before you to stand behind you
28602 To tell you of something I know nothing about.
28603 Next Thursday (which is good Friday),
28604 There will be a convention held in the
28605 Women's Club which is strictly for Men.
28606 Admission is free, pay at the door,
28607 Pull up a chair, and sit on the floor.
28608 It was a summer's day in winter,
28609 And the snow was raining fast,
28610 As a barefoot boy with shoes on,
28611 Stood sitting in the grass.
28612 Oh, that bright day in the dead of night,
28613 Two dead men got up to fight.
28614 Three blind men to see fair play,
28615 Forty mutes to yell "Hooray"!
28616 Back to back, they faced each other,
28617 Drew their swords and shot each other.
28618 A deaf policeman heard the noise,
28619 Came and arrested those two dead boys.
28621 Ladies, here's a hint: If you're playing against a friend who has big
28622 boobs, bring her to the net and make her hit backhand volleys. That's
28623 the hardest shot for the well endowed. "I've got to hit over them or
28624 under them, but I can't hit through," Annie Jones used to always moan
28625 to me. Not having much in my bra, I found it hard to sympathize with
28627 -- Billie Jean King
28629 Lady, lady, should you meet
28630 One whose ways are all discreet,
28631 One who murmurs that his wife
28632 Is the lodestar of his life,
28633 One who keeps assuring you
28634 That he never was untrue,
28635 Never loved another one...
28636 Lady, lady, better run!
28637 -- Dorothy Parker, "Social Note"
28639 Lady Luck brings added income today.
28640 Lady friend takes it away tonight.
28643 "Winston, if you were my husband, I'd put poison in your coffee."
28645 "Nancy, if you were my wife, I'd drink it."
28647 Lady Astor was giving a costume ball and Winston Churchill asked her what
28648 disguise she would recommend for him. She replied, "Why don't you come
28649 sober, Mr. Prime Minister?"
28651 During a visit to America, Winston Churchill was invited to a buffet
28652 luncheon at which cold fried chicken was served. Returning for a second
28653 helping, he asked politely, "May I have some breast?"
28654 "Mr. Churchill," replied the hostess, "in this country we ask for
28655 white meat or dark meat." Churchill apologized profusely.
28656 The following morning, the lady received a magnificent orchid from
28657 her guest of honor. The accompanying card read: "I would be most obliged if
28658 you would pin this on your white meat."
28661 Look to your stern!
28662 Your house is on fire,
28663 Your children will burn!
28664 So jump ye and sing, for
28665 The very first time
28666 The four lines above
28667 Have been put into rhyme.
28670 Laetrile is the pits.
28672 Laissez Faire Economics is the theory that if
28673 each acts like a vulture, all will end as doves.
28675 Lake Erie died for your sins.
28677 ((lambda (foo) (bar foo)) (baz))
28679 Lamonte Cranston once hired a new Chinese manservant. While describing his
28680 duties to the new man, Lamonte pointed to a bowl of candy on the coffee
28681 table and warned him that he was not to take any. Some days later, the new
28682 manservant was cleaning up, with no one at home, and decided to sample some
28683 of the candy. Just than, Cranston walked in, spied the manservant at the
28685 "Pardon me Choy, is that the Shadow's nugate you chew?"
28687 Language is a virus from another planet.
28688 -- William Burroughs
28690 Lank: Here we go. We're about to set a new record.
28691 Earl: (to the crowd) How about a date?
28692 Lank: We've done it. Earl has set a new record. Turned down by
28696 Lansdale seized on the idea of using Nixon to build support for the
28697 [Vietnamese] elections ... really honest elections, this time. "Oh, sure,
28698 honest, yes, that's right," Nixon said, "so long as you win!" With that
28699 he winked, drove his elbow into Lansdale's arm and slapped his own knee.
28700 -- Richard Nixon, quoted in "Sideshow" by W. Shawcross
28702 Large increases in cost with questionable increases in
28703 performance can be tolerated only in race horses and women.
28706 Largest Number of Driving Test Failures
28707 By April 1970 Mrs. Miriam Hargrave had failed her test thirty-nine
28708 times. In the eight preceding years she had received two hundred and
28709 twelve driving lessons at a cost of L300. She set the new record while
28710 driving triumphantly through a set of red traffic lights in Wakefield,
28711 Yorkshire. Disappointingly, she passed at the fortieth attempt (3 August
28712 1970) but eight years later she showed some of her old magic when she was
28713 reported as saying that she still didn't like doing right-hand turns.
28714 -- Stephen Pile, "The Book of Heroic Failures"
28717 All laws are basically false.
28722 Last guys don't finish nice.
28723 -- Stanley Kelley, on the cult of victory at all costs
28725 Last night I dreamed I ate a ten-pound marshmallow, and when I woke up
28726 the pillow was gone.
28729 Last night I met upon the stair
28730 A little man who wasn't there.
28731 He wasn't there again today.
28732 Gee how I wish he'd go away!
28734 Last night the power went out. Good thing my camera had a flash....
28735 The neighbors thought it was lightning in my house, so they called the cops.
28738 Last week a cop stopped me in my car. He asked me if I had a police record.
28739 I said, no, but I have the new DEVO album. Cops have no sense of humor.
28741 Last week's pet, this week's special.
28743 Last year we drove across the country... We switched on the driving...
28744 every half mile. We had one cassette tape to listen to on the entire trip.
28745 I don't remember what it was.
28748 Latin is a language,
28750 First it killed the Romans,
28751 And now it's killing me.
28753 Laugh, and the world ignores you. Crying doesn't help either.
28755 Laugh and the world laughs with you, snore and you sleep alone.
28757 Laugh and the world thinks you're an idiot.
28759 Laugh at your problems: everybody else does.
28761 Laugh when you can; cry when you must.
28763 Laughing at you is like drop kicking a wounded humming bird.
28765 Laughter is the closest distance between two people.
28769 No child throws up in the bathroom.
28771 Lavish spending can be disastrous.
28772 Don't buy any lavishes for a while.
28774 Law enforcement officers should use only the minimum
28775 force necessary in dealing with disorders when they arise.
28776 -- Richard M. Nixon
28778 Law of Communications:
28779 The inevitable result of improved and enlarged communications
28780 between different levels in a hierarchy is a vastly increased
28781 area of misunderstanding.
28784 Experiments should be reproducible.
28785 They should all fail the same way.
28787 Law of Probable Dispersal:
28788 Whatever it is that hits the fan will not be evenly distributed.
28790 Law of Procrastination:
28791 Procrastination avoids boredom; one never has
28792 the feeling that there is nothing important to do.
28794 Law of Selective Gravity:
28795 An object will fall so as to do the most damage.
28797 Jenning's Corollary:
28798 The chance of the bread falling with the buttered side
28799 down is directly proportional to the cost of the carpet.
28801 Law of the Perversity of Nature:
28802 You cannot determine beforehand which side of the bread to butter.
28805 He who hesitates is lunch.
28808 Only the lead dog gets a change of scenery.
28810 Law stands mute in the midst of arms.
28811 -- Marcus Tullius Cicero
28813 Lawful Dungeon Master -- and they're MY laws!
28815 Lawrence Radiation Laboratory keeps all its data in an old gray trunk.
28817 Laws are like sausages. It's better not to see them being made.
28818 -- Otto von Bismarck
28820 Laws of Computer Programming:
28821 1. Any given program, when running, is obsolete.
28822 2. Any given program costs more and takes longer.
28823 3. If a program is useful, it will have to be changed.
28824 4. If a program is useless, it will have to be documented.
28825 5. Any given program will expand to fill all available memory.
28826 6. The value of a program is proportional the weight of its output.
28827 7. Program complexity grows until it exceeds the capability of
28828 the programmer who must maintain it.
28831 A machine which you go into as a pig and come out as a sausage.
28835 When the law is against you, argue the facts.
28836 When the facts are against you, argue the law.
28837 When both are against you, call the other lawyer names.
28839 Lay off the muses, it's a very tough dollar.
28842 Lay on, MacDuff, and curs'd be him who first cries, "Hold, enough!".
28845 Lays eggs inside a paper bag;
28846 The reason, you will see, no doubt,
28847 Is to keep the lightning out.
28848 But what these unobservant birds
28849 Have failed to notice is that herds
28850 Of bears may come with buns
28851 And steal the bags to hold the crumbs.
28853 Lazlo's Chinese Relativity Axiom:
28854 No matter how great your triumphs or how tragic your defeats --
28855 approximately one billion Chinese couldn't care less.
28858 Marrying a pregnant woman.
28860 Leadership involves finding a parade and getting in front of it; what
28861 is happening in America is that those parades are getting smaller and
28862 smaller -- and there are many more of them.
28863 -- John Naisbitt, "Megatrends"
28865 Learn from other people's mistakes, you don't have time to make your own.
28867 Learn to pause -- or nothing worthwhile can catch up to you.
28869 Learned men are the cisterns of knowledge, not the fountainheads.
28871 Learning at some schools is like drinking from a firehose.
28874 An astonishing new theory, discovered by management consultants
28875 in the 1970's, asserting that the more you do something the
28876 quicker you can do it.
28878 Learning without thought is labor lost;
28879 thought without learning is perilous.
28882 Leave no stone unturned.
28886 Mother said there would be days like this,
28887 but she never said that there'd be so many!
28889 Left to themselves, things tend to go from bad to worse.
28892 When hammering a nail, you will never hit your
28893 finger if you hold the hammer with both hands.
28895 Lemma: All horses are the same color.
28896 Proof (by induction):
28897 Case n = 1: In a set with only one horse, it is obvious that all
28898 horses in that set are the same color.
28899 Case n = k: Suppose you have a set of k+1 horses. Pull one of these
28900 horses out of the set, so that you have k horses. Suppose that all
28901 of these horses are the same color. Now put back the horse that you
28902 took out, and pull out a different one. Suppose that all of the k
28903 horses now in the set are the same color. Then the set of k+1 horses
28904 are all the same color. We have k true => k+1 true; therefore all
28905 horses are the same color.
28906 Theorem: All horses have an infinite number of legs.
28907 Proof (by intimidation):
28908 Everyone would agree that all horses have an even number of legs. It
28909 is also well-known that horses have forelegs in front and two legs in
28910 back. 4 + 2 = 6 legs, which is certainly an odd number of legs for a
28911 horse to have! Now the only number that is both even and odd is
28912 infinity; therefore all horses have an infinite number of legs.
28913 However, suppose that there is a horse somewhere that does not have an
28914 infinite number of legs. Well, that would be a horse of a different
28915 color; and by the Lemma, it doesn't exist.
28917 Lemmings don't grow older, they just die.
28919 Lend money to a bad debtor and he will hate you.
28921 Lensmen eat Jedi for breakfast.
28923 LEO (Jul. 23 to Aug. 22)
28924 Your presence, poise, charm and good looks won't even help you today.
28925 Look over your shoulder; an ugly person may be following you. Be on
28926 your toes. Brush your teeth. Take Geritol.
28928 LEO (July 23 - Aug 22)
28929 You consider yourself a born leader. Others think you are pushy.
28930 Most Leo people are bullies. You are vain and dislike honest
28931 criticism. Your arrogance is disgusting. Leo people are thieves.
28933 LEO (July 23 - Aug 22)
28934 Your determination and sense of humor will come to the fore. Your
28935 ability to laugh at adversity will be a blessing because you've got
28936 a day coming you wouldn't believe. As a matter of fact, if you can
28937 laugh at what happens to you today, you've got a sick sense of humor.
28940 I didn't give up sex, I just gave up premature ejaculation.
28942 Let a fool hold his tongue and he will pass for a sage.
28945 Let he who takes the plunge remember to return it by Tuesday.
28947 Let him choose out of my files, his projects to accomplish.
28948 -- Shakespeare, "Coriolanus"
28950 Let me assure you that to us here at First National, you're not just a
28951 number. Youre two numbers, a dash, three more numbers, another dash and
28955 Let me not to the marriage of true minds
28956 Admit impediments. Love is not love
28957 Which alters when it alteration finds,
28958 Or bends with the remover to remove:
28959 O, no! it is an ever-fixed mark,
28960 That looks on tempests and is never shaken;
28961 It is the star to every wandering bark,
28962 Whose worth's unknown, although his height be taken.
28963 Love's not Time's fool, though rosy lips and cheeks
28964 Within his bending sickle's compass come;
28965 Love alters not with his brief hours and weeks,
28966 But bears it out even to the edge of doom.
28967 If this be error and upon me proved,
28968 I never writ, nor no man ever loved.
28970 Let me put it this way: today is going to be a learning experience.
28972 Let me take you a button-hole lower.
28973 -- William Shakespeare, "Love's Labour's Lost"
28975 Let me tell you who the actual "front-runners" are. On one side, you have
28976 George Bush, who is currently going through a sort of fraternity hazing
28977 wherein he has to perform a series of humiliating stunts to win the approval
28978 of the Republican Right. For example, they had him make a speech oozing
28979 praise all over William Loeb, deceased publisher of the Manchester (N.H.)
28980 Union Leader and Slime Journalist. Loeb had dumped viciously all over George
28981 in the 1980 New Hampshire primary. But when the Right held a big tribute
28982 for Loeb, George came back to the fold, like a man with a bungee cord wrapped
28986 Let no guilty man escape.
28989 Let not the sands of time get in your lunch.
28991 Let others praise ancient times; I am glad I was born in these.
28992 -- Ovid (43 B.C. - A.D. 18)
28994 Let sleeping dogs lie.
28997 Let the machine do the dirty work.
28998 -- "Elements of Programming Style", Kernighan and Ritchie
29000 Let the meek inherit the earth -- they have it coming to them.
29003 Let the people think they govern and they will be governed.
29004 -- William Penn, founder of Pennsylvania
29006 Let the worthy citizens of Chicago get their liquor the best way
29007 they can. I'm sick of the job. It's a thankless one and full of grief.
29010 Let thy maid servant be faithful, strong, and homely.
29011 -- Benjamin Franklin
29013 Let us go then you and I
29014 while the night is laid out against the sky
29015 like a smear of mustard on an old pork pie.
29017 "Nice poem Tom. I have ideas for changes though, why not come over?"
29020 Let us go, through certain half-deserted streets,
29021 The muttering retreats
29022 Of restless nights in one-night cheap hotels
29023 And sawdust restaurants with oyster-shells:
29024 Streets that follow like a tedious argument
29025 Of insidious intent
29026 To lead you to an overwhelming question...
29027 Oh, do not ask, "What is it?"
29028 -- T.S. Eliot, "Love song of J. Alfred Prufrock"
29032 Let us share the deepest secrets of our souls!!!
29036 Let us never negotiate out of fear,
29037 but let us never fear to negotiate.
29040 Let us not look back in anger or forward
29041 in fear, but around us in awareness.
29044 Let us remember that ours is a nation of lawyers and order.
29046 Let us treat men and women well;
29047 Treat them as if they were real;
29049 -- Ralph Waldo Emerson
29051 Let your conscience be your guide.
29055 [The state, that's me.]
29059 -- Gary Gilmore, to his firing squad
29061 Let's just be friends and make no special
29062 effort to ever see each other again.
29064 Let's just say that where a change was required, I adjusted. In every
29065 relationship that exists, people have to seek a way to survive. If you
29066 really care about the person, you do what's necessary, or that's the end.
29067 For the first time, I found that I really could change, and the qualities
29068 I most admired in myself I gave up. I stopped being loud and bossy...
29069 Oh, all right. I was still loud and bossy, but only behind his back."
29070 -- Kate Hepburn, on Tracy and Hepburn
29072 Let's love each other slowly,
29073 reaching for a plane,
29074 of exquisite pleasure,
29078 Let's not complicate our relationship
29079 by trying to communicate with each other.
29081 Let's organize this thing and take all the fun out of it.
29083 Let's remind ourselves that last year's fresh idea is today's cliche.
29086 Let's say your wedding ring falls into your toaster, and when you stick your
29087 hand in to retrieve it, you suffer Pain and Suffering as well as Mental
29088 Anguish. You would sue:
29090 * The toaster manufacturer, for failure to include, in the instructions
29091 section that says you should never never never ever stick you hand
29092 into the toaster, the statement "Not even if your wedding ring falls
29095 * The store where you bought the toaster, for selling it to an obvious
29096 cretin like yourself.
29098 * Union Carbide Corporation, which is not directly responsible in this
29099 case, but which is feeling so guilty that it would probably send you
29100 a large cash settlement anyway.
29104 Even if someone doesn't care what the world thinks
29105 about them, they always hope their mother doesn't find out.
29107 Leveraging always beats prototyping.
29109 Lewis's Law of Travel:
29110 The first piece of luggage out of the
29111 chute doesn't belong to anyone, ever.
29113 L'hazard ne favorise que l'esprit prepare.
29117 A lawyer with a roving commission.
29119 Liar: one who tells an unpleasant truth.
29123 Someone too poor to be a capitalist and too rich to be a communist.
29125 Liberals are the first to dump you if you con them or get into
29126 trouble. Conservatives are better. They never run out on you.
29127 -- Joseph "Crazy Joe" Gallo
29129 Liberty don't work as good in practice as it does in speeches.
29130 -- The Best of Will Rogers
29132 LIBRA (Sep. 23 to Oct. 22)
29133 Your desire for justice and truth will be overshadowed by your desire
29134 for filthy lucre and a decent meal. Be gracious and polite. Someone
29135 is watching you, so stop staring like that.
29137 LIBRA (Sept 23 - Oct 23)
29138 Major achievements, new friends, and a previously unexplored way
29139 to make a lot of money will come to a lot of people today, but
29140 unfortunately you won't be one of them. Consider not getting out
29144 A very poor substitute for the truth,
29145 but the only one discovered to date.
29148 Everybody lies, but it doesn't matter since nobody listens.
29151 Everybody lies, but it doesn't matter, cuz nobody listens.
29153 Lies! All lies! You're all lying against my boys!
29157 A whim of several billion cells to be you for a while.
29160 Learning about people the hard way -- by being one.
29163 That brief interlude between nothingness and eternity.
29165 Life -- Love It or Leave It.
29167 Life begins at the centerfold and expands outward.
29168 -- Miss November, 1966
29170 Life being what it is, one dreams of revenge.
29173 Life can be so tragic -- you're here today and here tomorrow.
29175 Life does not begin at the moment of conception or the moment of birth.
29176 It begins when the kids leave home and the dog dies.
29178 Life exists for no known purpose.
29180 Life in this society being, at best, an utter bore and no aspect of society
29181 being at all relevant to women, there remains to civic-minded responsible
29182 thrill-seeking females only to overthrow the government, eliminate the money
29183 system, institute complete automation and destroy the male sex.
29186 Life is a biochemical reaction to the stimulus of the surrounding
29187 environment in a stable ecosphere, while a bowl of cherries is a
29188 round container filled with little red fruits on sticks.
29190 Life is a concentration camp. You're stuck here and there's no way
29191 out and you can only rage impotently against your persecutors.
29194 Life is a gamble at terrible odds, if it was a bet you wouldn't take it.
29195 -- Tom Stoppard, "Rosencrantz and Guildenstern are Dead"
29197 Life is a game. In order to have a game, something has to be more
29198 important than something else. If what already is, is more important
29199 than what isn't, the game is over. So, life is a game in which what
29200 isn't, is more important than what is. Let the good times roll.
29203 Life is a game of bridge -- and you've just been finessed.
29205 Life is a glorious cycle of song,
29206 A medley of extemporania;
29207 And love is thing that can never go wrong;
29208 And I am Marie of Roumania.
29209 -- Dorothy Parker, "Comment"
29211 Life is a grand adventure -- or it is nothing.
29214 Life is a healthy respect for mother nature laced with greed.
29216 Life is a hospital in which every patient is possessed by the desire to
29218 -- Charles Baudelaire
29220 Life is a series of rude awakenings.
29223 Life is a serious burden, which no thinking,
29224 humane person would wantonly inflict on someone else.
29227 Life is a sexually transferred disease with 100% mortality.
29229 Life is a yo-yo, and mankind ties knots in the string.
29231 Life is an exciting business, and most
29232 exciting when it is lived for others.
29234 Life is both difficult and time consuming.
29236 Life is cheap, but the accessories can kill you.
29238 Life is difficult because it is non-linear.
29240 Life is divided into the horrible and the miserable.
29241 -- Woody Allen, "Annie Hall"
29243 Life is fraught with opportunities to keep your mouth shut.
29245 Life is just a bowl of cherries, but why do I always get the pits?
29247 Life is knowing how far to go without crossing the line.
29249 Life is like a 10 speed bicycle. Most of us have gears we never use.
29252 "Life is like a buffet; it's not good but there's plenty of it."
29254 Life is like a diaper - short and loaded.
29256 Life is like a sewer.
29257 What you get out of it depends on what you put into it.
29260 Life is like a tin of sardines.
29261 We're, all of us, looking for the key.
29262 -- Beyond the Fringe
29264 Life is like an egg stain on your chin --
29265 you can lick it, but it still won't go away.
29267 Life is like an onion: you peel it off
29268 one layer at a time, and sometimes you weep.
29271 Life is like an onion: you peel off layer after
29272 layer and then you find there is nothing in it.
29275 Life is like arriving late for a movie, having to figure out what was
29276 going on without bothering everybody with a lot of questions, and then
29277 being unexpectedly called away before you find out how it ends.
29279 Life is like bein' on a mule team. Unless you're
29280 the lead mule, all the scenery looks about the same.
29282 Life is not for everyone.
29284 Life is one long struggle in the dark.
29285 -- Titus Lucretius Carus
29287 Life is the childhood of our immortality.
29290 Life is the living you do,
29291 Death is the living you don't do.
29294 Life is the urge to ecstasy.
29296 Life is to you a dashing and bold adventure.
29298 Life is too short to be taken seriously.
29301 Life is too short to stuff a mushroom.
29304 Life is wasted on the living.
29305 -- The Restaurant at the Edge of the Universe.
29307 Life is what happens to you while you're busy making other plans.
29308 -- John Lennon, "Beautiful Boy"
29310 Life, like beer, is merely borrowed.
29313 Life may have no meaning, or, even worse,
29314 it may have a meaning of which you disapprove.
29316 Life only demands from you the strength you possess.
29317 Only one feat is possible -- not to have run away.
29318 -- Dag Hammarskjold
29320 Life Sucks. Cynical, misanthropic male, 34, looking for soul mate but
29321 certain not to find her. Drop me a note. I'll call you, we'll talk and
29322 I'll ask you out to dinner where I'll probably spend more than I can
29323 afford in a feeble attempt to impress you. Then we'll realize we have
29324 absolutely nothing in common and we'll go our separate ways, more
29325 embittered and depressed than before (if such a thing is possible).
29327 Life sucks, but death doesn't put out at all.
29330 Life without caffeine is stimulating enough.
29333 Life would be so much easier if we could just look at the source code.
29336 Life would be tolerable but for its amusements.
29339 Life's too short to dance with ugly women.
29341 Lift every voice and sing
29342 Till earth and heaven ring,
29343 Ring with the harmonies of Liberty;
29344 Let our rejoicing rise
29345 High as the listening skies,
29346 Let it resound loud as the rolling sea.
29348 Sing a song full of the faith that the dark past has taught us.
29349 Sing a song full of the hope that the present has bought us.
29350 Facing the rising sun of our new day begun,
29351 Let us march on till victory is won.
29352 -- James Weldon Johnson
29354 Lighten up, while you still can,
29355 Don't even try to understand,
29356 Just find a place to make your stand,
29358 -- The Eagles, "Take It Easy"
29361 A tall building on the seashore in which the government
29362 maintains a lamp and the friend of a politician.
29365 When being alive at the same time is a wonderful coincidence.
29367 Like all young men, you greatly exaggerate
29368 the difference between one young woman and another.
29369 -- George Bernard Shaw, "Major Barbara"
29371 Like an expensive sports car, fine-tuned and well-built, Portia was sleek,
29372 shapely, and gorgeous, her red jumpsuit moulding her body, which was as warm
29373 as seatcovers in July, her hair as dark as new tires, her eyes flashing like
29374 bright hubcaps, and her lips as dewy as the beads of fresh rain on the hood;
29375 she was a woman driven -- fueled by a single accelerant -- and she needed a
29376 man, a man who wouldn't shift from his views, a man to steer her along the
29377 right road: a man like Alf Romeo.
29378 -- Rachel Sheeley, winner
29380 The hair ball blocking the drain of the shower reminded Laura she would never
29381 see her little dog Pritzi again.
29382 -- Claudia Fields, runner-up
29384 It could have been an organically based disturbance of the brain -- perhaps a
29385 tumor or a metabolic deficiency -- but after a thorough neurological exam it
29386 was determined that Byron was simply a jerk.
29387 -- Jeff Jahnke, runner-up
29389 Winners in the 7th Annual Bulwer-Lytton Bad Writing Contest. The contest is
29390 named after the author of the immortal lines: "It was a dark and stormy
29391 night." The object of the contest is to write the opening sentence of the
29392 worst possible novel.
29394 Like corn in a field I cut you down,
29395 I threw the last punch way too hard,
29396 After years of going steady, well, I thought it was time,
29397 To throw in my hand for a new set of cards.
29398 And I can't take you dancing out on the weekend,
29399 I figured we'd painted too much of this town,
29400 And I tried not to look as I walked to my wagon,
29401 And I knew then I had lost what should have been found,
29402 I knew then I had lost what should have been found.
29403 And I feel like a bullet in the gun of Robert Ford
29404 I'm as low as a paid assassin is
29405 You know I'm cold as a hired sword.
29406 I'm so ashamed we can't patch it up,
29407 You know I can't think straight no more
29408 You make me feel like a bullet, honey,
29409 a bullet in the gun of Robert Ford.
29410 -- Elton John "I Feel Like a Bullet"
29412 Like I said, love wouldn't be so blind if the braille
29413 weren't so damned great!
29414 -- Armistead Maupin
29416 Like, if I'm not for me, then fer shure, like who will be? And if, y'know,
29417 if I'm not like fer anyone else, then hey, I mean, what am I? And if not
29418 now, like I dunno, maybe like when? And if not Who, then I dunno, maybe
29419 like the Rolling Stones?
29420 -- Rich Rosen (Rabbi Valiel's paraphrase of famous quote
29421 attributed to Rabbi Hillel.)
29423 Like my parents, I have never been a regular church member or churchgoer.
29424 It doesn't seem plausible to me that there is the kind of God who watches
29425 over human affairs, listens to prayers, and tries to guide people to follow
29426 His precepts -- there is just too much misery and cruelty for that. On the
29427 other hand, I respect and envy the people who get inspiration from their
29431 Like punning, programming is a play on words.
29433 Like so many Americans, she was trying to construct
29434 a life that made sense from things she found in gift shops.
29435 -- Kurt Vonnegut, Jr.
29437 Like the ski resort of girls looking for husbands and husbands looking
29438 for girls, the situation is not as symmetrical as it might seem.
29441 Like the time I ran away...
29442 And turned around and you were standing close to me.
29443 -- YES, "Going For The One/Awaken"
29445 Like winter snow on summer lawn, time past is time gone.
29447 Like ya know? Rock 'N Roll is an esoteric language that unlocks the
29448 creativity chambers in people's brains, and like totally activates their
29449 essential hipness, which of course is like totally necessary for saving
29450 the earth, like because the first thing in saving this world, is getting
29451 rid of stupid and square attitudes and having fun.
29452 -- Senior Year Quote
29454 Like you, I am frequently haunted by profound questions related to man's
29455 place in the Scheme of Things. Here are just a few:
29457 Q -- Is there life after death?
29458 A -- Definitely. I speak from personal experience here. On New
29459 Year's Eve, 1970, I drank a full pitcher of a drink called "Black Russian",
29460 then crawled out on the lawn and died within a matter of minutes, which was
29461 fine with me because I had come to realize that if I had lived I would have
29462 spent the rest of my life in the grip of the most excruciatingly painful
29463 headache. Thanks to the miracle of modern orange juice, I was brought back
29464 to life several days later, but in the interim I was definitely dead. I
29465 guess my main impression of the afterlife is that it isn't so bad as long
29466 as you keep the television turned down and don't try to eat any solid foods.
29469 Likewise, the national appetizer, brine-cured herring with raw onions,
29470 wins few friends, Germans excepted.
29471 -- Darwin Porter "Scandinavia On $50 A Day"
29473 Limericks are art forms complex,
29474 Their topics run chiefly to sex.
29475 They usually have virgins,
29476 And masculine urgin's,
29477 And other erotic effects.
29479 "Lines that are parallel meet at Infinity!"
29480 Euclid repeatedly, heatedly, urged.
29482 Until he died, and so reached that vicinity:
29483 in it he found that the damned things diverged.
29486 Linus: Hi! I thought it was you.
29487 I've been watching you from way off... You're looking great!
29488 Snoopy: That's nice to know.
29489 The secret of life is to look good at a distance.
29491 Linus: I guess it's wrong always to be worrying about tomorrow.
29492 Maybe we should think only about today.
29494 No, that's giving up. I'm still hoping that yesterday
29498 There is no heavier burden than a great potential.
29500 Lions in the street and roaming,
29501 Dogs in heat, rabid, foaming,
29502 A beast caged in the heart of the city.
29503 The body of his mother lying in the summer ground,
29505 Went down south across the border,
29506 Left the chaos and disorder
29507 Back there, over his shoulder.
29508 One morning he awoke in a green hotel,
29509 A strange creature groaning beside him.
29510 Sweat oozed from its shiny skin.
29511 Is everybody in? The ceremony is about to begin.
29512 -- Jim Morrison, "Celebration of the Lizard"
29515 To call a spade a thpade.
29517 Lisp, Lisp, Lisp Machine,
29518 Lisp Machine is Fun.
29519 Lisp, Lisp, Lisp Machine,
29523 Due to the holiday next Monday, there will be no garbage collection.
29525 Listen, there is no courage or any extra courage that I know of to find out
29526 the right thing to do. Now, it is not only necessary to do the right thing,
29527 but to do it in the right way and the only problem you have is what is the
29528 right thing to do and what is the right way to do it. That is the problem.
29529 But this economy of ours is not so simple that it obeys to the opinion of
29530 bias or the pronouncements of any particular individual, even to the President.
29531 This is an economy that is made up of 173 million people, and it reflects
29532 their desires, they're ready to buy, they're ready to spend, it is a thing
29533 that is too complex and too big to be affected adversely or advantageously
29534 just by a few words or any particular -- say, a little this and that, or even
29535 a panacea so alleged.
29536 -- D.D. Eisenhower, in response to: "Has the government
29537 been lacking in courage and boldness in facing up to
29540 Literature is mostly about having sex and not much about having children.
29541 Life is the other way around.
29544 Literature is mostly about sex and not much about having children and life
29545 is the other way round.
29546 -- David Lodge, "The British Museum is Falling Down"
29549 -- Ronald Macdonald
29552 Thy summer's play If thought is life
29553 My thoughtless hand And strength & breath,
29554 Has brush'd away. And the want
29555 Of thought is death,
29557 A fly like thee? Then am I
29558 Or art not thou A happy fly
29559 A man like me? If I live
29564 Till some blind hand
29565 Shall brush my wing.
29566 -- William Blake, "The Fly"
29568 Little girls, like butterflies, need no excuse.
29571 Little known fact about Middle Earth: The Hobbits had a very
29572 sophisticated computer network! It was a Tolkein Ring...
29574 Little Known Facts, #23:
29575 Did you know... that if you dial 911 in Los Angeles you get
29576 the BMW repair garage?
29578 Little Mary on the ice,
29579 Went out to have a frisk,
29580 Now wasn't little Mary nice,
29583 Live fast, die young, and leave a flat patch of fur on the highway!
29584 -- The Squirrels' Motto (The "Hell's Angels of Nature")
29586 Live fast, die young, and leave a good looking corpse.
29589 Live from New York ... It's Saturday Night!
29591 Live in a world of your own, but always welcome visitors.
29593 Live never to be ashamed if anything you do or say is
29594 published around the world -- even if what is published is not true.
29595 -- Messiah's Handbook : Reminders for the Advanced Soul
29597 Live within your income, even if you have to borrow to do so.
29600 Living here in Rio, I have lots of coffees to choose from. And when
29601 you're on the lam like me, you appreciate a good cup of coffee.
29602 -- "Great Train Robber" Ronald Biggs' coffee commercial
29604 Living in California is like living in a bowl of granola.
29605 What ain't flakes and nuts is fruits.
29607 Living in Hollywood is like living in a bowl of granola.
29608 What ain't fruits and nuts is flakes.
29610 Living in New York City gives people real incentives
29611 to want things that nobody else wants.
29614 Living in the complex world of the future is somewhat
29615 like having bees live in your head. But, there they are.
29617 Living on Earth may be expensive, but it
29618 includes an annual free trip around the Sun.
29621 A task so difficult, it has never been attempted before.
29623 Lizzie Borden took an axe,
29624 And plunged it deep into the VAX;
29625 Don't you envy people who
29626 Do all the things YOU want to do?
29628 Lo! Men have become the tool of their tools.
29629 -- Henry David Thoreau
29632 Everyone loves these delectable crustaceans, but many cooks are
29633 squeamish about placing them into boiling water alive, which is the only
29634 proper method of preparing them. Frankly, the easiest way to eliminate your
29635 guilt is to establish theirs by putting them on trial before they're cooked.
29636 The fact is, lobsters are among the most ferocious predators on the sea
29637 floor, and you're helping reduce crime in the reefs. Grasp the lobster
29638 behind the head, look it right in its unmistakably guilty eyestalks and say,
29639 "Where were you on the night of the 21st?", then flourish a picture of a
29640 scallop or a sole and shout, "Perhaps this will refresh that crude neural
29641 apparatus you call a memory!" The lobster will squirm noticeably. It may
29642 even take a swipe at you with one of its claws. Incorrigible. Pop it into
29643 the pot. Justice has been served, and shortly you and your friends will
29648 Everyone loves these delectable crustaceans, but many cooks are squeamish
29649 about placing them into boiling water alive, which is the only proper
29650 method of preparing them. Frankly, the easiest way to eliminate your
29651 guilt is to establish theirs by putting them on trial before they're
29652 cooked. The fact is, lobsters are among the most ferocious predators on
29653 the sea floor, and you're helping reduce crime in the reefs. Grasp the
29654 lobster behind the head, look it right in its unmistakably guilty
29655 eyestalks and say, "Where were you on the night of the 21st?", then
29656 flourish a picture of a scallop or a sole and shout, "Perhaps this will
29657 refresh that crude neural apparatus you call a memory!" The lobster will
29658 squirm noticeably. It may even take a swipe at you with one of its claws.
29659 Incorrigible. Pop it into the pot. Justice has been served, and shortly
29660 you and your friends will be, too.
29661 -- Cooking: The Art of Turning Appliances and Utensils
29662 into Excuses and Apologies
29664 Lockwood's Long Shot:
29665 The chances of getting eaten up by a lion on Main Street
29666 aren't one in a million, but once would be enough.
29668 Logic doesn't apply to the real world.
29671 Logic is a little bird, sitting in a tree, that smells AWFUL.
29673 Logic is a pretty flower that smells bad.
29675 Logic is a systematic method of coming
29676 to the wrong conclusion with confidence.
29678 Logic is the chastity belt of the mind!
29680 Logicians have but ill defined
29681 As rational the human kind.
29682 Logic, they say, belongs to man,
29683 But let them prove it if they can.
29684 -- Oliver Goldsmith
29688 LOGO for the Dead lets you continue your computing activities from
29691 The package includes a unique telecommunications feature which lets you
29692 turn your TRS-80 into an electronic Ouija board. Then, using Logo's
29693 graphics capabilities, you can work with a friend or relative on this
29694 side of the Great Beyond to write programs. The software requires that
29695 your body be hardwired to an analog-to-digital converter, which is then
29696 interfaced to your computer. A special terminal (very terminal) program
29697 lets you talk with the users through Deadnet, an EBBS (Ectoplasmic
29698 Bulletin Board System).
29700 LOGO for the Dead is available for 10 percent of your estate
29701 from NecroSoft inc., 6502 Charnelhouse Blvd., Cleveland, OH 44101.
29702 -- '80 Microcomputing
29704 Loneliness is a terrible price to pay for independence.
29706 Lonely is a man without love.
29707 -- Englebert Humperdinck
29709 Lonely men seek companionship.
29710 Lonely women sit at home and wait. They never meet.
29717 Like to meet new and interesting people?
29719 JUST SCREW-UP ONE MORE TIME!!!!!!!
29721 Long ago I proposed that unsuccessful candidates for the Presidency
29722 be quietly hanged, as a matter of public sanitation and decorum.
29723 The sight of their grief must have a very evil effect upon the young.
29724 -- H.L. Mencken, "A Carnival of Buncombe"
29726 Long computations which yield zero are probably all for naught.
29728 Long life is in store for you.
29730 Long were the days of pain I have spent within its walls, and
29731 long were the nights of aloneness; and who can depart from his
29732 pain and his aloneness without regret?
29733 -- Kahlil Gibran, "The Prophet"
29735 Look! Before our very eyes, the future is becoming the past.
29737 Look afar and see the end from the beginning.
29739 Look at it this way:
29740 Your daughter just named the fresh turkey you brought
29741 home "Cuddles", so you're going out to buy a canned ham.
29742 And you're still drinking ordinary scotch?
29744 Look at it this way:
29745 Your wife's spending $280 a month on meditation lessons to
29746 forget $26,000 of college education.
29747 And you're still drinking ordinary scotch?
29749 Look before you leap.
29755 Look out! Behind you!
\a\a\a
29757 Look, we trade every day out there with hustlers, deal-makers, shysters,
29758 con-men. That's the way businesses get started. That's the way this
29762 Lookie, lookie, here comes cookie...
29763 -- Stephen Sondheim
29765 Loose bits sink chips.
29767 Lord, defend me from my friends; I can account for my enemies.
29768 -- Charles D'Hericault
29770 Lord, what fools these mortals be!
29771 -- William Shakespeare, "A Midsummer-Night's Dream"
29773 Losing your drivers' license is just
29774 God's way of saying "BOOGA, BOOGA!"
29776 Lost: gray and white female cat.
29777 Answers to electric can opener.
29779 Lots of folks are forced to skimp to support a government that won't.
29781 Lots of folks confuse bad management with destiny.
29784 Lots of girls can be had for a song.
29785 Unfortunately, it often turns out to be the wedding march.
29787 Louie Louie, me gotta go
29788 Louie Louie, me gotta go
29790 Fine little girl she waits for me
29791 Me catch the ship for cross the sea
29792 Me sail the ship all alone Three nights and days me sail the sea
29793 Me never thinks me make it home Me think of girl constantly
29794 (chorus) On the ship I dream she there
29795 I smell the rose in her hair
29796 Me see Jamaica moon above (chorus, guitar solo)
29797 It won't be long, me see my love
29798 I take her in my arms and then
29799 Me tell her I never leave again
29800 -- The real words to The Kingsmen's classic "Louie Louie"
29802 Louie, Louie, me gotta go
29803 Louie, Louie, me gotta go
29805 Fine little girl she waits for me
29806 Me catch the ship for cross the sea
29807 Me sail the ship all alone
29808 Me never thinks me make it home
29811 Three nights and days me sail the sea
29812 Me think of girl constantly
29813 On the ship I dream she there
29814 I smell the rose in her hair
29815 [chorus; guitar solo]
29817 Me see Jamaica moon above
29818 It won't be long, me see my love
29819 I take her in my arms and then
29820 Me tell her I never leave again
29821 -- the real words to "Louie Louie"
29824 I'll let you play with my life if you'll let me play with yours.
29827 Love ties in a knot in the end of the rope.
29830 When, if asked to choose between your lover
29831 and happiness, you'd skip happiness in a heartbeat.
29834 When it's growing, you don't mind watering it with a few tears.
29837 When you don't want someone too close--
29838 because you're very sensitive to pleasure.
29841 When you like to think of someone on days that begin with a morning.
29843 Love -- the last of the serious diseases of childhood.
29845 Love ain't nothin' but sex misspelled.
29847 Love America - or give it back.
29849 Love and scandal are the best sweeteners of tea.
29851 Love at first sight is one of the greatest
29852 labor-saving devices the world has ever seen.
29854 Love conquers all things; let us too surrender to love.
29855 -- Publius Vergilius Maro (Virgil)
29857 Love in your heart wasn't put there to stay.
29858 Love isn't love 'til you give it away.
29859 -- Oscar Hammerstein II
29861 Love is a grave mental disease.
29864 Love is a slippery eel that bites like hell.
29867 Love is a snowmobile racing across the tundra, which suddenly flips
29868 over, pinning you underneath. At night the ice weasels come.
29869 -- Matt Groening, "Love is Hell"
29871 Love is a word that is constantly heard,
29872 Hate is a word that is not.
29873 Love, I am told, is more precious than gold.
29874 Love, I have read, is hot.
29875 But hate is the verb that to me is superb,
29876 And Love but a drug on the mart.
29877 Any kiddie in school can love like a fool,
29878 But Hating, my boy, is an Art.
29881 Love is always open arms. With arms open you allow love to come and
29882 go as it wills, freely, for it will do so anyway. If you close your
29883 arms about love you'll find you are left only holding yourself.
29885 Love is an ideal thing, marriage a real thing; a confusion of the
29886 real with the ideal never goes unpunished.
29889 Love is an obsessive delusion that is cured by marriage.
29892 Love is being stupid together.
29895 Love is dope, not chicken soup. I mean, love is something to be passed
29896 around freely, not spooned down someone's throat for their own good by a
29897 Jewish mother who cooked it all by herself.
29899 Love is in the offing.
29900 -- The Homicidal Maniac
29902 Love is in the offing. Be affectionate to one who adores you.
29904 Love is like a friendship caught on fire. In the beginning a flame, very
29905 pretty, often hot and fierce, but still only light and flickering. As love
29906 grows older, our hearts mature and our love becomes as coals, deep-burning
29910 Love is like the measles; we all have to go through it.
29911 -- Jerome K. Jerome
29913 Love is never asking why?
29915 Love is not enough, but it sure helps.
29917 Love is sentimental measles.
29919 Love is staying up all night with a sick child, or a healthy adult.
29921 Love is the answer; but while you are waiting for the answer, sex
29922 raises some pretty good questions.
29925 Love is the delusion that one woman differs from another.
29928 Love is the desire to prostitute oneself. There is, indeed, no exalted
29929 pleasure that cannot be related to prostitution.
29930 -- Charles Baudelaire
29932 Love is the only game that is not called on account of darkness.
29935 Love is the process of my leading you gently back to yourself.
29938 Love is the triumph of imagination over intelligence.
29941 Love IS what it's cracked up to be.
29943 Love is what you've been through with somebody.
29946 Love isn't only blind, it's also deaf, dumb, and stupid.
29948 Love makes fools, marriage cuckolds, and patriotism malevolent imbeciles.
29949 -- Paul Leautaud, "Passe-temps"
29951 Love makes the world go 'round, with a little help from intrinsic angular
29954 Love may laugh at locksmiths, but he has a profound respect for money bags.
29955 -- Sidney Paternoster, "The Folly of the Wise"
29957 Love means having to say you're sorry every five minutes.
29959 Love means never having to say you're sorry.
29960 -- Eric Segal, "Love Story"
29962 That's the most ridiculous thing I've ever heard.
29963 -- Ryan O'Neill, "What's Up Doc?"
29965 Love means nothing to a tennis player.
29967 Love tells us many things that are not so.
29968 -- Krainian Proverb
29970 Love the sea? I dote upon it -- from the beach.
29972 Love thy neighbor as thyself, but choose your neighborhood.
29975 Love thy neighbor, tune thy piano.
29977 Love to eat them mousies,
29978 Mousies I love to eat.
29979 Bite they little heads off,
29980 Nibble at they tiny feet.
29983 Love to eat them mousies,
29984 Mousies what I love to eat.
29985 Bite they little heads off,
29986 Nibble on they tiny feet.
29989 Love to eat them mousies;
29990 Mousies what I love to eat.
29991 Bite they tiny heads off,
29992 Nibble on they tiny feet!
29995 Love, which is quickly kindled in a gentle heart,
29996 seized this one for the fair form
29997 that was taken from me-and the way of it afficts me still.
29998 Love, which absolves no loved one from loving,
29999 seized me so strongly with delight in him,
30000 that, as you see, it does not leave me even now.
30001 Love brought us to one death.
30002 -- La Divina Commedia: Inferno V, vv. 100-06
30004 Love your enemies: they'll go crazy
30005 trying to figure out what you're up to.
30007 Love your neighbour, yet don't pull down your hedge.
30008 -- Benjamin Franklin
30011 If it jams -- force it. If it
30012 breaks, it needed replacing anyway.
30014 LSD melts in your mind, not in your hand.
30016 Lubarsky's Law of Cybernetic Entomology:
30017 There's always one more bug.
30019 Lucas is the source of many of the components of the legendarily reliable
30020 British automotive electrical systems. Professionals call the company "The
30021 Prince of Darkness". Of course, if Lucas were to design and manufacture
30022 nuclear weapons, World War III would never get off the ground. The British
30023 don't like warm beer any more than the Americans do. The British drink warm
30024 beer because they have Lucas refrigerators.
30026 Luck can't last a lifetime, unless you die young.
30029 Luck, that's when preparation and opportunity meet.
30033 When you have a wife and a cigarette
30034 lighter -- both of which work.
30036 Lucky is he for whom the belle toils.
30038 Lucy: Dance, dance, dance. That is all you ever do.
30039 Can't you be serious for once?
30040 Snoopy: She is right! I think I had better think
30041 of the more important things in life!
30045 Luke, I'm yer father, eh. Come over to the dark side, you hoser.
30046 -- Dave Thomas, "Strange Brew"
30049 The place where optimism most flourishes.
30051 Lying is an indispensable part of making life tolerable.
30054 Lysistrata had a good idea.
30056 Ma Bell is a mean mother!
30058 MAC user's dynamic debugging list evaluator? Never heard of that.
30060 "Mach was the greatest intellectual fraud in the last ten years."
30062 "I said `intellectual'."
30065 Machine-independent program:
30066 A program that will not run on any machine.
30068 Machines have less problems. I'd like to be a machine.
30071 Machines that have broken down will work perfectly when the
30075 Jogging home from your vasectomy.
30077 Macho does not prove mucho.
30081 Affected with a high degree of intellectual independence.
30083 Madam, there's no such thing as a tough child --
30084 if you parboil them first for seven hours, they always come out tender.
30088 If you have to travel on the Titanic, why not go first class?
30090 Madness takes its toll.
30092 Magary's Principle:
30093 When there is a public outcry to cut deadwood and fat from any
30094 government bureaucracy, it is the deadwood and the fat that do
30095 the cutting, and the public's services are cut.
30097 Magic is always the best solution -- especially reliable magic.
30099 Magnet, n.: Something acted upon by magnetism.
30101 Magnetism, n.: Something acting upon a magnet.
30103 The two preceding definitions are condensed from the works of one
30104 thousand eminent scientists, who have illuminated the subject with a
30105 great white light, to the inexpressible advancement of human knowledge.
30108 Any automobile that, when left unattended, attracts shopping carts.
30109 -- "Sniglets", Rich Hall & Friends
30112 Any automobile that, when left unattended, attracts shopping
30114 -- Rich Hall, "Sniglets"
30117 A bird whose thievish disposition suggested
30118 to someone that it might be taught to talk.
30122 A girl who never had the sense to say "uncle."
30125 A young person of the unfair sex addicted to clewless conduct and
30126 views that madden to crime. The genus has a wide geographical
30127 distribution, being found wherever sought and deplored wherever found.
30128 The maiden is not altogether unpleasing to the eye, nor (without her
30129 piano and her views) insupportable to the ear, though in respect to
30130 comeliness distinctly inferior to the rainbow, and, with regard to
30131 the part of her that is audible, beaten out of the field by the
30132 canary -- which, also, is more portable.
30135 A member of the unconsidered, or negligible sex. The male of the
30136 human race is commonly known to the female as Mere Man. The genus
30137 has two varieties: good providers and bad providers.
30141 If the facts do not conform to the theory, they must be disposed of.
30142 -- N.R. Maier, "American Psychologist", March 1960
30145 1. The bigger the theory, the better.
30146 2. The experiment may be considered a success if no more than
30147 50% of the observed measurements must be discarded to
30148 obtain a correspondence with the theory.
30151 For every action there is an equal and opposite government program.
30153 Maintainer's Motto:
30154 If we can't fix it, it ain't broke.
30156 Maj. Bloodnok: Seagoon, you're a coward!
30157 Seagoon: Only in the holiday season.
30158 Maj. Bloodnok: Ah, another Noel Coward!
30161 Sixty men can do sixty times as much work as one man.
30163 A man can dig a posthole in sixty seconds.
30165 Sixty men can dig a posthole in one second.
30167 Secondary Conclusion:
30168 Do you realize how many holes there would be if people
30169 would just take the time to take the dirt out of them?
30171 Majorities, of course, start with minorities.
30175 That quality that distinguishes a crime from a law.
30177 Make a wish, it might come true.
30179 Make headway at work. Continue to let things deteriorate at home.
30181 Make it right before you make it faster.
30183 Make no little plans; they have no magic to stir men's blood.
30184 -- Daniel Hudson Burnham
30186 Make sure your code does nothing gracefully.
30188 Make war not sex. (It's safer.)
30190 Making files is easy under the UNIX operating system. Therefore, users
30191 tend to create numerous files using large amounts of file space. It has
30192 been said that the only standard thing about all UNIX systems is the
30193 message-of-the-day telling users to clean up their files.
30194 -- System V.2 administrator's guide
30197 Any simple idea will be worded in the most complicated way.
30200 The reason surgeons wear masks.
30203 An animal so lost in rapturous contemplation of what he thinks he
30204 is as to overlook what he indubitably ought to be. His chief
30205 occupation is extermination of other animals and his own species,
30206 which, however, multiplies with such insistent rapidity as to infest
30207 the whole habitable earth and Canada.
30210 Man and wife make one fool.
30212 Man belongs wherever he wants to go.
30213 -- Wernher von Braun
30215 Man has always assumed that he is more intelligent than dolphins because
30216 he has achieved so much -- the wheel, New York, wars and so on -- while
30217 all the dolphins had ever done was muck about in the water having a good
30218 time. But, conversely, the dolphins had always believed that they were
30219 far more intelligent than man -- for precisely the same reasons.
30220 -- D. Adams, "Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy"
30222 Man has made his bedlam; let him lie in it.
30225 Man has never reconciled himself to the ten commandments.
30227 Man invented language to satisfy his deep need to complain.
30230 Man is a military animal,
30231 Glories in gunpowder, and loves parade.
30234 Man is a rational animal who always loses his temper when he
30235 is called upon to act in accordance with the dictates of reason.
30238 Man is an animal that makes bargains: no other animal does this--
30239 no dog exchanges bones with another.
30242 Man is by nature a political animal.
30245 Man is the best computer we can put aboard a spacecraft...
30246 and the only one that can be mass produced with unskilled labor.
30247 -- Wernher von Braun
30249 Man is the measure of all things.
30252 Man is the only animal that blushes -- or needs to.
30255 Man is the only animal that can remain on friendly terms
30256 with the victims he intends to eat until he eats them.
30257 -- Samuel Butler, 1835-1902
30259 Man is the only animal that laughs and weeps;
30260 for he is the only animal that is struck with the
30261 difference between what things are and what they ought to be.
30264 Man must shape his tools lest they shape him.
30265 -- Arthur R. Miller
30267 Man proposes, God disposes.
30270 Man usually avoids attributing cleverness to somebody else --
30271 unless it is an enemy.
30274 Man who arrives at party two hours late
30275 will find he has been beaten to the punch.
30277 Man who falls in blast furnace is certain to feel overwrought.
30279 Man who falls in vat of molten optical glass makes spectacle of self.
30281 Man who sleep in beer keg wake up stickey.
30283 Man will never fly.
30284 Space travel is merely a dream.
30285 All aspirin is alike.
30287 Management: How many feet do mice have?
30288 Reply: Mice have four feet.
30290 R: Mice have five appendages, and four of them are feet.
30291 M: No discussion of fifth appendage!
30292 R: Mice have five appendages; four of them are feet; one is a tail.
30293 M: What? Feet with no legs?
30294 R: Mice have four legs, four feet, and one tail per unit-mouse.
30295 M: Confusing -- is that a total of 9 appendages?
30296 R: Mice have four leg-foot assemblies and one tail assembly per body.
30297 M: Does not fully discuss the issue!
30298 R: Each mouse comes equipped with four legs and a tail. Each leg
30299 is equipped with a foot at the end opposite the body; the tail
30300 is not equipped with a foot.
30301 M: Descriptive? Yes. Forceful NO!
30302 R: Allotment of appendages for mice will be: Four foot-leg assemblies,
30303 one tail. Deviation from this policy is not permitted as it would
30304 constitute misapportionment of scarce appendage assets.
30305 M: Too authoritarian; stifles creativity!
30306 R: Mice have four feet; each foot is attached to a small leg joined
30307 integrally with the overall mouse structural sub-system. Also
30308 attached to the mouse sub-system is a thin tail, non-functional and
30309 ornamental in nature.
30310 M: Too verbose/scientific. Answer the question!
30311 R: Mice have four feet.
30314 The art of getting other people to do all the work.
30317 A man known for giving great meeting.
30320 A sexist, obsolete measure of macho effort, equal to 60 Kiplings.
30323 Easy glum, easy glow.
30325 Mankind is poised midway between the gods and the beasts.
30329 Logic is a systematic method of coming to the wrong conclusion
30332 Man's horizons are bounded by his vision.
30334 Man's reach must exceed his grasp, for why else the heavens?
30336 Man's unique agony as a species consists in his perpetual
30337 conflict between the desire to stand out and the need to blend in.
30338 -- Sydney J. Harris
30341 A unit of documentation. There are always three or more on a given
30342 item. One is on the shelf; someone has the others. The information
30343 you need in in the others.
30346 Many a bum show has been saved by the flag.
30349 Many a family tree needs trimming.
30351 Many a long dispute between divines may thus be abridged: It is so. It
30352 is not so. It is so. It is not so.
30353 -- Benjamin Franklin, "Poor Richard's Almanack"
30355 Many a man that can't direct you to a corner drugstore will
30356 get a respectful hearing when age has further impaired his mind.
30357 -- Finley Peter Dunne
30359 Many a town that didn't have enough work to support a single lawyer
30360 can easily support two or more.
30362 Many a writer seems to thing he is never profound
30363 except when he can't understand his own meaning.
30364 -- George D. Prentice
30366 Many are called, few are chosen.
30367 Fewer still get to do the choosing.
30369 Many are called, few volunteer.
30371 Many are cold, but few are frozen.
30373 Many changes of mind and mood; do not hesitate too long.
30375 Many companies that have made themselves dependent on [the equipment of a
30376 certain major manufacturer] (and in doing so have sold their soul to the
30377 devil) will collapse under the sheer weight of the unmastered complexity of
30378 their data processing systems.
30379 -- Edsger W. Dijkstra, SIGPLAN Notices, Volume 17, Number 5
30381 Many enraged psychiatrists are inciting a weary butcher. The butcher is
30382 weary and tired because he has cut meat and steak and lamb for hours and
30383 weeks. He does not desire to chant about anything with raving psychiatrists,
30384 but he sings about his gingivectomist, he dreams about a single cosmologist,
30385 he thinks about his dog. The dog is named Herbert.
30386 -- Racter, "The Policeman's Beard is Half-Constructed"
30388 Many hands make light work.
30391 Many husbands go broke on the money their wives save on sales.
30393 Many mental processes admit of being roughly measured. For instance,
30394 the degree to which people are bored, by counting the number of their
30395 fidgets. I not infrequently tried this method at the meetings of the
30396 Royal Geographical Society, for even there dull memoirs are occasionally
30397 read. [...] The use of a watch attracts attention, so I reckon time
30398 by the number of my breathings, of which there are 15 in a minute. They
30399 are not counted mentally, but are punctuated by pressing with 15 fingers
30400 successively. The counting is reserved for the fidgets. These observations
30401 should be confined to persons of middle age. Children are rarely still,
30402 while elderly philosophers will sometimes remain rigid for minutes altogether.
30403 -- Francis Galton, 1909
30405 Many of the characters are fools and they are always playing
30406 tricks on me and treating me badly.
30407 -- Jorge Luis Borges, from "Writers on Writing" by Jon Winokur
30409 Many of the convicted thieves Parker has met began their
30410 life of crime after taking college Computer Science courses.
30411 -- Roger Rapoport, "Programs for Plunder", Omni, March 1981
30413 Many pages make a thick book.
30415 Many pages make a thick book, except for pocket Bibles which are on very
30418 Many people are desperately looking for some wise advice
30419 which will recommend that they do what they want to do.
30421 Many people are secretly interested in life.
30423 Many people are unenthusiastic about their work.
30425 Many people are unenthusiastic about your work.
30427 Many people feel that if you won't let
30428 them make you happy, they'll make you suffer.
30430 Many people feel that they deserve some kind of
30431 recognition for all the bad things they haven't done.
30433 Many people resent being treated like the person they really are.
30435 Many people write memos to tell you they have nothing to say.
30437 Many receive advice, few profit by it.
30440 Many years ago in a period commonly know as Next Friday Afternoon,
30441 there lived a King who was very Gloomy on Tuesday mornings because he
30442 was so Sad thinking about how Unhappy he had been on Monday and how
30443 completely Mournful he would be on Wednesday....
30446 Margaret, are you grieving
30447 Over Goldengrove unleaving?
30448 Leaves, like the things of man,
30449 You, with your fresh thoughts
30451 Ah! as the heart grows older
30452 It will come to such sights colder
30453 By and by, nor spare a sigh
30454 Though worlds of wanwood leafmeal lie
30455 And yet you will weep and know why.
30456 Now no matter, child, the name
30457 Sorrow's springs are the same:
30458 It is the blight man was born for,
30459 It is Margaret you mourn for.
30460 -- Gerard Manley Hopkins.
30464 Orange blossom: Your purity equals your loveliness
30465 Orchid: Beauty, magnificence
30467 Peach blossom: I am your captive
30468 Petunia: Your presence soothes me
30470 Rose, any color: Love
30471 Rose, deep red: Bashful shame
30472 Rose, single, pink: Simplicity
30473 Rose, thornless, any: Early attachment
30474 Rose, white: I am worthy of you
30475 Rose, yellow: Decrease of love, rise of jealousy
30476 Rosebud, white: Girlhood, and a heart ignorant of love
30477 Rosemary: Rememberance
30478 Sunflower: Haughtiness
30479 Tulip, red: Declaration of love
30480 Tulip, yellow: Hopeless love
30481 Violet, blue: Faithfulness
30482 Violet, white: Modesty
30483 Zinnia: Thoughts of absent friends
30484 * An upside-down blossom reverses the meaning.
30486 Marijuana is nature's way of saying, "Hi!".
30488 Marijuana will be legal some day, because the many law students
30489 who now smoke pot will someday become congressmen and legalize
30490 it in order to protect themselves.
30493 Mark's Dental-Chair Discovery:
30494 Dentists are incapable of asking questions
30495 that require a simple yes or no answer.
30498 An old, established institution, entered into by two people deeply
30499 in love and desiring to make a commitment to each other expressing
30500 that love. In short, commitment to an institution.
30505 Marriage always demands the greatest understanding of the art of
30506 insincerity possible between two human beings.
30509 Marriage causes dating problems.
30511 Marriage, in life, is like a duel in the midst of a battle.
30514 Marriage is a ghastly public confession of a strictly private intention.
30516 Marriage is a great institution -- but I'm
30517 not ready for an institution yet.
30520 Marriage is a lot like the army, everyone complains, but you'd be
30521 surprised at the large number that re-enlist.
30524 Marriage is a romance in which the hero dies in the first chapter.
30526 Marriage is a three ring circus:
30527 engagement ring, wedding ring, and suffering.
30530 Marriage is an institution in which two undertake
30531 to become one, and one undertakes to become nothing.
30533 Marriage is based on the theory that when a man discovers a brand of beer
30534 exactly to his taste he should at once throw up his job and go to work
30536 -- George Jean Nathan
30538 Marriage is learning about women the hard way.
30540 Marriage is like twirling a baton, turning handsprings, or eating with
30541 chopsticks. It looks easy until you try it.
30543 Marriage is low down, but you spend the rest of your life paying for it.
30546 Marriage is not merely sharing the fettuccine, but sharing the
30547 burden of finding the fettuccine restaurant in the first place.
30550 Marriage is the only adventure open to the cowardly.
30553 Marriage is the process of finding out what
30554 kind of man your wife would have preferred.
30556 Marriage is the waste-paper basket of the emotions.
30561 Marriages are made in heaven and consummated on earth.
30564 Marry in haste and everyone starts counting the months.
30566 MARTA SAYS THE INTERESTING thing about fly-fishing is that its two lives
30567 connected by a thin strand.
30569 Come on, Marta, grow up.
30570 -- Jack Handley, The New Mexican, 1988.
30572 MARTA WAS WATCHING THE FOOTBALL GAME with me when she said, "You know most
30573 of these sports are based on the idea of one group protecting its
30574 territory from invasion by another group."
30576 "Yeah," I said, trying not to laugh. Girls are funny.
30577 -- Jack Handley, The New Mexican, 1988.
30579 Martin was probably ripping them off. That's some family, isn't it?
30580 Incest, prostitution, fanaticism, software.
30581 -- Charles Willeford, "Miami Blues"
30583 'Martyrdom' is the only way a person can become famous without ability.
30584 -- George Bernard Shaw
30586 Marvelous! The super-user's going to boot me!
30587 What a finely tuned response to the situation!
30589 Marvin the Nature Lover spied a grasshopper hopping along in the grass,
30590 and in a mood for communing with nature, rare even among full-fledged
30591 Nature Lovers, he spoke to the grasshopper, saying: "Hello, friend
30592 grasshopper. Did you know they've named a drink after you?"
30593 "Really?" replied the grasshopper, obviously pleased. "They've
30594 named a drink Fred?"
30596 Marxist Law of Distribution of Wealth:
30597 Shortages will be divided equally among the peasants.
30599 Mary had a little lamb, its fleece was white as snow,
30600 And everywhere that Mary went, the lamb was sure to go.
30601 It followed her through rain or snow, lightning, sleet or hail.
30602 It fetched the evening paper, her slippers, and the mail.
30603 She never had a moments peace; the lamb was always on her heels,
30604 And on her feet its head would rest, while she ate her meals.
30605 It followed her to school one day, the devotion never ended.
30606 The lamb waltzed into her history class and Mary got suspended.
30607 The night she went to Senior Prom, she thought she had him beat,
30608 Until she heard a mournful "Baaa" coming from her car's seat.
30609 Oh, Mary had a little lamb, it surely didn't please her.
30610 So for dinner she had lambchops; the rest is in the freezer.
30614 You can always find what you're not looking for.
30617 If the only tool you have is a hammer,
30618 you treat everything like a nail.
30620 Mason's First Law of Synergism:
30621 The one day you'd sell your soul for something, souls are a glut.
30623 Massachusetts has the best politicians money can buy.
30625 Masturbation is the thinking man's television.
30626 -- Christopher Hampton
30628 Mate, this parrot wouldn't VOOM if you put four million volts through it!
30631 Mater artium necessitas.
30632 [Necessity is the mother of invention].
30634 Maternity pay? Now every Tom, Dick and Harry will get pregnant.
30637 MATH AND ALCOHOL DON'T MIX!
30638 Please, don't drink and derive.
30645 Math is like love -- a simple idea but it can get complicated.
30649 Some one who believes imaginary things appear right before your i's.
30651 Mathematicians are like Frenchmen: whatever you say to them they
30652 translate into their own language and forthwith it is something
30653 entirely different.
30656 Mathematicians are like Frenchmen: whatever you say to them they translate
30657 into their own language, and forthwith it is something entirely different.
30658 -- Johann Wolfgang von Goethe
30660 Mathematicians practice absolute freedom.
30663 Mathematicians take it to the limit.
30665 Mathematics deals exclusively with the relations of concepts
30666 to each other without consideration of their relation to experience.
30669 Mathematics is the only science where one never knows what
30670 one is talking about nor whether what is said is true.
30673 Mathematics, rightly viewed, possesses not only truth but supreme beauty --
30674 a beauty cold and austere, like that of a sculpture, without appeal to any
30675 part of our weaker nature, without the gorgeous trapping of painting or music,
30676 yet sublimely pure, and capable of a stern perfection such as only the
30677 greatest art can show. The true spirit of delight, the exaltation, the sense
30678 of being more than man, which is the touchstone of the highest excellence, is
30679 to be found in mathematics as surely as in poetry.
30680 -- Bertrand Russell
30682 Matrimony is the root of all evil.
30684 Matrimony isn't a word, it's a sentence.
30686 Matter cannot be created or destroyed,
30687 nor can it be returned without a receipt.
30689 Matter will be damaged in direct proportion to its value.
30691 [Maturity consists in the discovery that] there comes a critical moment
30692 where everything is reversed, after which the point becomes to understand
30693 more and more that there is something which cannot be understood.
30696 Maturity is only a short break in adolescence.
30700 A conclusion is the place where you got tired of thinking.
30702 May a hundred thousand midgets invade your home singing cheezy lounge-lizard
30703 versions of songs from The Wizard of Oz.
30705 May a Misguided Platypus lay its Eggs in your Jockey Shorts
30707 May all your PUSHes be POPped.
30709 May the bluebird of happiness twiddle your bits.
30711 May the Fleas of a Thousand Camels infest one of your Erogenous Zones.
30713 May the fleas of a thousand camels infest your armpits.
30715 May those that love us love us; and those that don't love us, may
30716 God turn their hearts; and if he doesn't turn their hearts, may
30717 he turn their ankles so we'll know them by their limping.
30719 May you die in bed at 95, shot by a jealous spouse.
30721 May you have many beautiful and obedient daughters.
30723 May you have many handsome and obedient sons.
30725 May you have warm words on a cold evening,
30726 a full moon on a dark night,
30727 and a smooth road all the way to your door.
30729 May you live in uninteresting times.
30732 May your camel be as swift as the wind.
30734 May your SO always know when you need a hug.
30736 May your Tongue stick to the Roof of your
30737 Mouth with the Force of a Thousand Caramels.
30739 Maybe ain't ain't so correct, but I notice that
30740 lots of folks who ain't using ain't ain't eatin' well.
30743 Maybe Computer Science should be in the College of Theology.
30746 Maybe Jesus was right when he said that the meek shall inherit the
30747 earth -- but they inherit very small plots, about six feet by three.
30750 "Maybe we can get together and show off to each other sometimes."
30752 "Maybe we should think of this as one perfect week... where we found each
30753 other, and loved each other... and then let each other go before anyone
30754 had to seek professional help."
30756 Maybe you can't buy happiness, but
30757 these days you can certainly charge it.
30760 The quality of correlation is inveresly proportional to the density
30761 of control. (The fewer the data points, the smoother the curves.)
30763 McDonald's -- Because you're worth it.
30765 McEwan's Rule of Relative Importance:
30766 When traveling with a herd of elephants,
30767 don't be the first to lie down and rest.
30770 Whatever happens to you, it will previously
30771 have happened to everyone you know, only more so.
30774 Always remember that you are absolutely unique,
30775 just like everyone else.
30777 Meanehwael, baccat meaddehaele, monstaer lurccen;
30778 Fulle few too many drincce, hie luccen for fyht.
30779 [D]en Hreorfneorht[d]hwr, son of Hrwaerow[p]heororthwl,
30780 AEsccen aewful jeork to steop outsyd.
30781 [P]hud! Bashe! Crasch! Beoom! [D]e bigge gye
30782 Eallum his bon brak, byt his nose offe;
30783 Wicced Godsylla waeld on his asse.
30784 Monstaer moppe fleor wy[p] eallum men in haelle.
30785 Beowulf in bacceroome fonecall bemaccen waes;
30786 Hearen sond of ruccus saed, "Hwaet [d]e helle?"
30787 Graben sheold strang ond swich-blaed scharp
30788 Sond feorth to fyht [d]e grimlic foe.
30789 "Me," Godsylla saed, "mac [d]e minsemete."
30790 Heoro cwyc geten heold wi[p] faemed half-nelson
30791 Ond flyng him lic frisbe bac to fen.
30792 Beowulf belly up to meaddehaele bar,
30793 Saed, "Ne foe beaten mie faersom cung-fu."
30794 Eorderen cocca-colha yce-coeld, [d]e reol [p]yng.
30796 Meantime, in the slums below Ronnie's Ranch, Cynthia feels as if some one
30797 has made voodoo boxen of her and her favorite backplanes. On this fine
30798 moonlit night, some horrible persona has been jabbing away at, dragging
30799 magnets over, and surging these voodoo boxen. Fortunately, they seem to
30800 have gotten a bit bored and fallen asleep, for it looks like Cynthia may
30801 get to go home. However, she has made note to quickly put together a totem
30802 of sweaty, sordid static straps, random bits of wire, flecks of once meaniful
30803 oxide, bus grant cards, gummy worms, and some bits of old pdp backplane to
30804 hang above the machine room. This totem must be blessed by the old and wise
30805 venerable god of unibus at once, before the idolatization of vme, q and pc
30806 bus drive him to bitter revenge. Alas, if this fails, and the voodoo boxen
30807 aren't destroyed, there may be more than worms in the apple. Next, the
30808 arrival of voodoo optico transmitigational magneto killer paramecium, capable
30809 of teleporting from cable to cable, screen to screen, ear to ear and hoof
30812 Measure twice, cut once.
30814 Measure with a micrometer. Mark with chalk. Cut with an axe.
30816 Mediocrity finds safety in standardization.
30819 Meekness is uncommon patience in planning a worthwhile revenge.
30821 Meester, do you vant to buy a duck?
30824 An assembly of computer experts coming together to decide what
30825 person or department not represented in the room must solve the
30829 An assembly of people coming together to decide what person or
30830 department not represented in the room must solve a problem.
30833 A place where minutes are kept and hours are lost.
30835 Meetings are an addictive, highly self indulgent activity that
30836 corporations and other large organizations habitually engage
30837 in only because they cannot actually masturbate.
30841 An interoffice communication too often written more for
30842 the benefit of the person who sends it than the person
30845 MEMORIES OF MY FAMILY MEETINGS still are a source of strength to me. I
30846 remember we'd all get into the car -- I forget what kind it was -- and
30849 I'm not sure where we'd go, but I think there were some bees there. The
30850 smell of something was strong in the air as we played whatever sport we
30851 played. I remember a bigger, older guy whom we called "Dad." We'd eat
30852 some stuff or not and then I think we went home.
30854 I guess some things never leave you.
30855 -- Jack Handley, The New Mexican, 1988.
30857 Memory fault -- brain fried
30859 Memory fault -- core...uh...um...core... Oh dammit, I forget!
30861 Memory fault - where am I?
30863 Memory should be the starting point of the present.
30865 Men are always ready to respect anything that bores them.
30868 Men are amused by almost any idiot thing -- that is why professional ice
30869 hockey is so popular -- so buying gifts for them is easy. But you should
30870 never buy them clothes. Men believe they already have all the clothes they
30871 will ever need, and new ones make them nervous. For example, your average
30872 man has 84 ties, but he wears, at most, only three of them. He has learned,
30873 through humiliating trial and error, that if he wears any of the other 81
30874 ties, his wife will probably laugh at him ("You're not going to wear THAT
30875 tie with that suit, are you?"). So he has narrowed it down to three safe
30876 ties, and has gone several years without being laughed at. If you give him
30877 a new tie, he will pretend to like it, but deep inside he will hate you.
30878 If you want to give a man something practical, consider tires. More
30879 than once, I would have gladly traded all the gifts I got for a new set
30881 -- Dave Barry, "Christmas Shopping: A Survivor's Guide"
30883 Men are superior to women.
30886 Men are those creatures with two legs and eight hands.
30889 Men aren't attracted to me by my mind.
30890 They're attracted by what I don't mind...
30893 Men freely believe that what they wish to desire.
30896 Men have a much better time of it than women; for one
30897 thing they marry later; for another thing they die earlier.
30900 Men have as exaggerated an idea of their
30901 rights as women have of their wrongs.
30904 Men live for three things, fast cars, fast women and fast food.
30906 Men love to wonder, and that is the seed of science.
30908 Men never make passes at girls wearing glasses.
30911 Men occasionally stumble over the truth, but most of them
30912 pick themselves up and hurry off as if nothing had happened.
30913 -- Winston Churchill
30915 Men of lofty genius when they are doing the least work are most active.
30916 -- Leonardo da Vinci
30918 Men of quality are not afraid of women for equality.
30920 Men often believe -- or pretend -- that the "Law" is something sacred, or
30921 at least a science -- an unfounded assumption very convenient to governments.
30923 Men ought to know that from the brain and from the brain only arise our
30924 pleasures, joys, laughter, and jests as well as our sorrows, pains, griefs
30925 and tears. ... It is the same thing which makes us mad or delirious,
30926 inspires us with dread and fear, whether by night or by day, brings us
30927 sleeplessness, inopportune mistakes, aimless anxieties, absent-mindedness
30928 and acts that are contrary to habit...
30929 -- Hippocrates "The Sacred Disease"
30931 Men say of women what pleases them; women do with men what pleases them.
30934 Men seldom show dimples to girls who have pimples.
30936 Men still remember the first kiss after women have forgotten the last.
30938 Men take only their needs into consideration -- never their abilities.
30939 -- Napoleon Bonaparte
30941 Men use thought only to justify their wrong doings,
30942 and speech only to conceal their thoughts.
30945 Men were real men, women were real women, and small, furry creatures
30946 from Alpha Centauri were REAL small, furry creatures from Alpha Centauri.
30947 Spirits were brave, men boldly split infinitives that no man had split
30948 before. Thus was the Empire forged.
30949 -- Douglas Adams, "The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy"
30951 Men who cherish for women the highest
30952 respect are seldom popular with them.
30955 Mencken and Nathan's Second Law of The Average American:
30956 All the postmasters in small towns read all the postcards.
30958 Mencken and Nathan's Ninth Law of The Average American:
30959 The quality of a champagne is judged by the
30960 amount of noise the cork makes when it is popped.
30962 Mencken and Nathan's Fifteenth Law of The Average American:
30963 The worst actress in the company is always the manager's wife.
30965 Mencken and Nathan's Sixteenth Law of The Average American:
30966 Milking a cow is an operation demanding a special talent that
30967 is possessed only by yokels, and no person born in a large city
30968 can ever hope to acquire it.
30970 Mene, mene, tekel, upharsen.
30972 Mental power tended to corrupt, and absolute intelligence tended to
30973 corrupt absolutely, until the victim eschewed violence entirely in
30974 favor of smart solutions to stupid problems.
30977 Mental things which have not gone in through the
30978 senses are vain and bring forth no truth except detrimental.
30982 A list of dishes which the restaurant has just run out of.
30985 There's never time to do it right, but there's always time to
30988 Message from Our Sponsor on ttyTV at 13:58 ...
30990 Message will arrive in the mail.
30991 Destroy, before the FBI sees it.
30994 One who doubts the established fact that it is
30995 bound to rain if you forget your umbrella.
30997 Metermaids eat their young.
30999 Mickey Mouse wears a Spiro Agnew watch.
31005 Never trust a computer bigger than you can lift.
31007 Microbiology Lab: Staph Only!
31009 Microwaves frizz your heir.
31011 Mieux vaut tard que jamais!
31013 Might as well be frank, monsieur. It would take a miracle to
31014 get you out of Casablanca and the Germans have outlawed miracles.
31018 If a string has one end, then it has another end.
31020 Militant agnostic: I don't know, and you don't either.
31022 Military intelligence is a contradiction in terms.
31025 Military justice is to justice what military music is to music.
31029 Lose a few, lose a few.
31032 The amount of beauty required to launch one ship.
31034 Millions long for immortality who do not know what
31035 to do with themselves on a rainy Sunday afternoon.
31038 Millions of sensible people are too high-minded to concede that politics is
31039 almost always the choice of the lesser evil. "Tweedledum and Tweedledee,"
31040 they say. "I will not vote." Having abstained, they are presented with a
31041 President who appoints the people who are going to rummage around in their
31042 lives for the next four years. Consider all the people who sat home in a
31043 stew in 1968 rather than vote for Hubert Humphrey. They showed Humphrey.
31044 Those people who taught Hubert Humphrey a lesson will still be enjoying the
31045 Nixon Supreme Court when Tricia and Julie begin to find silver threads among
31046 the gold and the black.
31047 -- Russel Baker, "Ford without Flummery"
31049 Mind! I don't mean to say that I know, of my own knowledge, what there is
31050 particularly dead about a door-nail. I might have been inclined, myself,
31051 to regard a coffin-nail as the deadest piece of ironmongery in the trade.
31052 But the wisdom of our ancestors is in the simile; and my unhallowed hands
31053 shall not disturb it, or the Country's done for. You will therefore permit
31054 me to repeat, emphatically, that Marley was as dead as a door-nail.
31057 "I don't care if you burst into flames and die!"
31060 "Yes, I'd like to see that, does it come out of your ears or what?"
31062 Mind your own business, Spock.
31063 I'm sick of your halfbreed interference.
31065 Mind your own business, then you don't mind mine.
31068 A computer that can be afforded on the budget of a middle-level
31072 home of the blonde hair and blue ears.
31073 mosquito supplier to the free world.
31074 come fall in love with a loon.
31075 where visitors turn blue with envy.
31076 one day it's warm, the rest of the year it's cold.
31077 land of many cultures -- mostly throat.
31078 where the elite meet sleet.
31079 glove it or leave it.
31080 many are cold, but few are frozen.
31081 land of the ski and home of the crazed.
31082 land of 10,000 Petersons.
31084 Minnie Mouse is a slow maze learner.
31087 Meaningless Indicator of Processor Speed
31089 Mirrors should reflect a little before throwing back images.
31092 Misery loves company, but company does not reciprocate.
31094 Misery no longer loves company.
31095 Nowadays it insists on it.
31099 The kind of fortune that never misses.
31101 Misfortunes arrive on wings and leave on foot.
31104 A title with which we brand unmarried
31105 women to indicate that they are in the market.
31107 Mistakes are oft the stepping stones to utter failure.
31109 Mistrust first impulses; they are always right.
31112 The Georgia Tech of the North
31114 Mitchell's Law of Committees:
31115 Any simple problem can be made insoluble
31116 if enough meetings are held to discuss it.
31119 A ballplayer who looks into his glove after missing the ball, as
31120 if, somehow, the cause of the error lies there.
31121 -- "Sniglets", Rich Hall & Friends
31123 Mix a little foolishness with your serious plans;
31124 it's lovely to be silly at the right moment.
31128 Watching a bus-load of lawyers plunge off a cliff.
31129 With five empty seats.
31132 There is nothing more permanent than a temporary building.
31133 There is nothing more permanent than a temporary tax.
31135 Mobius strippers never show you their back side.
31137 MOCK APPLE PIE (No Apples Needed)
31139 Pastry to two crust 9-inch pie 36 RITZ Crackers
31140 2 cups water 2 cups sugar
31141 2 teaspoons cream of tartar 2 tablespoons lemon juice
31142 Grated rind of one lemon Butter or margarine
31145 Roll out bottom crust of pastry and fit into 9-inch pie plate. Break
31146 RITZ Crackers coarsley into pastry-lined plate. Combine water, sugar
31147 and cream of tartar in saucepan, boil gently for 15 minutes. Add lemon
31148 juice and rind. Cool. Pour this syrup over Crackers, dot generously
31149 with butter or margarine and sprinkle with cinnamon. Cover with top
31150 crust. Trim and flute edges together. Cut slits in top crust to let
31151 steam escape. Bake in a hot oven (425 F) 30 to 35 minutes, until crust
31152 is crisp and golden. Serve warm. Cut into 6 to 8 slices.
31153 -- Found lurking on a Ritz Crackers box
31155 Modeling paged and segmented memories is tricky business.
31159 Up-to-date, new-fangled, as in "Thoroughly Modem Millie." An
31160 unfortunate byproduct of kerning.
31162 Moderation in all things.
31163 -- Publius Terentius Afer [Terence]
31165 Moderation is a fatal thing. Nothing succeeds like excess.
31168 Modern art is what happens when painters stop looking at girls and persuade
31169 themselves that they have a better idea.
31172 Modern man is the missing link between apes and human beings.
31174 Modern psychology takes completely for granted that behavior and neural
31175 function are perfectly correlated, that one is completely caused by the
31176 other. There is no separate soul or lifeforce to stick a finger into the
31177 brain now and then and make neural cells do what they would not otherwise.
31178 Actually, of course, this is a working assumption only. ... It is quite
31179 conceivable that someday the assumption will have to be rejected. But it
31180 is important also to see that we have not reached that day yet: the working
31181 assumption is a necessary one and there is no real evidence opposed to it.
31182 Our failure to solve a problem so far does not make it insoluble. One cannot
31183 logically be a determinist in physics and biology, and a mystic in psychology.
31184 -- D.O. Hebb, "Organization of Behavior: A Neuropsychological
31188 Being comfortable that others will discover your greatness.
31190 Modesty is a vastly overrated virtue.
31193 Modesty: the gentle art of enhancing your charm by pretending
31194 not to be aware of it.
31197 Moe: Wanna play poker tonight?
31198 Joe: I can't. It's the kids' night out.
31200 Joe: I gotta stay home with the nurse.
31202 Moe: What did you give your wife for Valentine's Day?
31203 Joe: The usual gift -- she ate my heart out.
31205 Moebius always does it on the same side.
31207 Mohandas K. Gandhi often changed his mind publicly. An aide once asked him
31208 how he could so freely contradict this week what he had said just last week.
31209 The great man replied that it was because this week he knew better.
31211 Moishe Margolies, who weighed all of 105 pounds and stood an even five feet
31212 in his socks, was taking his first airplane trip. He took a seat next to a
31213 hulking bruiser of a man who happened to be the heavyweight champion of
31214 the world. Little Moishe was uneasy enough before he even entered the plane,
31215 but now the roar of the engines and the great height absolutely terrified him.
31216 So frightened did he become that his stomach turned over and he threw up all
31217 over the muscular giant siting beside him. Fortunately, at least for Moishe,
31218 the man was sound asleep. But now the little man had another problem. How in
31219 the world would he ever explain the situation to the burly brute when he
31220 awakened? The sudden voice of the stewardess on the plane's intercom, finally
31221 woke the bruiser, and Moishe, his heart in his mouth, rose to the occasion.
31222 "Feeling better now?" he asked solicitously.
31225 The ultimate, indivisible unit of matter. It is distinguished from
31226 the corpuscle, also the ultimate, indivisible unit of matter, by a
31227 closer resemblance to the atom, also the ultimate, indivisible unit
31228 of matter... The ion differs from the molecule, the corpuscle and
31229 the atom in that it is an ion...
31231 Mollison's Bureaucracy Hypothesis:
31232 If an idea can survive a bureaucratic review
31233 and be implemented it wasn't worth doing.
31236 What you give a person when they are going away.
31238 Mommy, what happens to your files when you die?
31241 When they finally do have to take you to the
31242 hospital, your underwear won't be clean or new.
31245 In Christian countries, the day after the football game.
31248 Monday is an awful way to spend one seventh of your life.
31250 Money and women are the most sought after and the least known of any two
31252 -- The Best of Will Rogers
31254 Money cannot buy love, nor even friendship.
31258 but is excellent kindling.
31260 To the man-in-the-street, who, I'm sorry to say,
31261 Is a keen observer of life,
31262 The word intellectual suggests right away
31263 A man who's untrue to his wife.
31264 -- W.H. Auden, "Collected Shorter Poems"
31266 Money can't buy happiness, but it can make you
31267 awfully comfortable while you're being miserable.
31270 Money can't buy love, but it improves your bargaining position.
31271 -- Christopher Marlowe
31273 Money doesn't talk, it swears.
31276 Money is a powerful aphrodisiac. But flowers work almost as well.
31279 Money is its own reward.
31281 Money is the root of all evil, and man needs roots.
31283 Money is the root of all wealth.
31285 Money is truthful. If a man speaks of his honor, make him pay cash.
31288 Money isn't everything -- but it's a long way ahead of what comes next.
31289 -- Sir Edmond Stockdale
31291 Money may buy friendship but money cannot buy love.
31293 Money may not buy happiness, but it sure
31294 puts you in a great bargaining position.
31296 Money will say more in one moment than
31297 the most eloquent lover can in years.
31299 Moneyliness is next to Godliness.
31302 Monogamy is the Western custom of one wife and hardly any mistresses.
31306 Marriage to one woman at a time.
31309 A grizzly bear praying for the early arrival of cable television.
31312 Where forty-three below keeps out the riff-raff.
31314 Monterey... is decidedly the pleasantest and most civilized-looking place
31315 in California ... [it] is also a great place for cock-fighting, gambling
31316 of all sorts, fandangos, and various kinds of amusements and knavery.
31317 -- Richard Henry Dama, "Two Years Before the Mast", 1840
31320 1. A celestial object whose phase is very important to
31321 hackers. See PHASE OF THE MOON. 2. Dave Moon (MOON@MC).
31324 Everybody sets out to do something, and everybody
31325 does something, but no one does what he sets out to do.
31328 Fear of being verbally abused by a Mississippian.
31331 Fear of being verbally abused by a Mississippian.
31333 More are taken in by hope than by cunning.
31336 More people are flattered into virtue than bullied out of vice.
31339 More people died at Chappaquidick than at 3-mile island.
31341 More people have died in Ted Kennedy's car than in nuclear power plants.
31343 MORE SPORTS RESULTS:
31344 The Beverly Hills Freudians tied the Chicago Rogerians 0-0 last Saturday
31345 night. The match started with a long period of silence while the Freudians
31346 waited for the Rogerians to free associate and the Rogerians waited for
31347 the Freudians to say something they could paraphrase. The stalemate was
31348 broken when the Freudians' best player took the offensive and interpreted
31349 the Rogerians' silence as reflecting their anal-retentive personalities.
31350 At this the Rogerians' star player said "I hear you saying you think we're
31351 full of ka-ka." This started a fight and the match was called by officials.
31353 More than any time in history, mankind now faces a crossroads. One path
31354 leads to despair and utter hopelessness, the other to total extinction.
31355 Let us pray that we have the wisdom to choose correctly.
31356 -- Woody Allen, "Side Effects"
31358 Morris had been down on his luck for months, and, though not a devoutly
31359 religious man, had begun to visit the local synagogue to ask God's help.
31360 One week, out of desperation, he prayed, "God, I've been a good and decent
31361 man all my life. Would it be so terrible if You let me win the lottery
31363 The despondent fellow returned week after week. One day, Morris,
31364 nearly hopeless now, prayed, "God, I've never asked You for anything before.
31365 I just want to win one little lottery."
31366 "As he dejectedly rose to leave, God's voice boomed, "Morris, at
31367 least meet Me halfway on this. Buy a ticket!"
31370 If rats are experimented upon, they will develop cancer.
31372 Mos Eisley Spaceport; you'll not find a more
31373 wretched collection of villainy and disreputable types...
31374 -- Obi-wan Kenobi, "Star Wars"
31376 Mosher's Law of Software Engineering:
31377 Don't worry if it doesn't work right.
31378 If everything did, you'd be out of a job.
31381 The state bird of New Jersey.
31383 Most burning issues generate far more heat than light.
31385 Most folks they like the daytime,
31386 'cause they like to see the shining sun.
31387 They're up in the morning,
31388 off and a-running till they're too tired for having fun.
31389 But when the sun goes down,
31390 and the bright lights shine, my daytime has just begun.
31392 Now there are two sides to this great big world,
31393 and one of them is always night.
31394 If you can take care of business in the sunshine, baby,
31395 I guess you're gonna be all right.
31396 Don't come looking for me to lend you a hand.
31397 My eyes just can't stand the light.
31399 'Cause I'm a night owl honey, sleep all day long.
31402 Most general statements are false, including this one.
31405 Most of our lives are about proving something,
31406 either to ourselves or to someone else.
31408 Most of the fear that spoils our life comes from attacking
31409 difficulties before we get to them.
31412 ...most of us learned about love the hard way. Even warnings are probably
31413 useless, for somehow, despite the severest warnings of parents and friends,
31414 hundreds, thousands of women have forgotten themselves at the last minute
31415 and succumbed to the lies, promises, flatteries, or mere attentions of
31416 lusting, lovely men, landing themselves in complicated predicaments from
31417 which some of them never recovered during their entire lives. And I am not
31418 speaking only of your teenaged Midwesterners in 1958; I'm speaking of women
31419 of every age in every city in every year. The notorious sexual revolution
31420 has saved no one from the pain and confusion of love.
31421 -- Alix Kates Shulman
31423 Most of your faults are not your fault.
31425 Most people are too busy to have time for anything important.
31427 Most people are unable to write because they are unable to think, and
31428 they are unable to think because they congenitally lack the equipment
31429 to do so, just as they congenitally lack the equipment to fly over the
31433 Most people can do without the essentials, but not without the luxuries.
31435 Most people deserve each other.
31438 Most people don't need a great deal of love
31439 nearly so much as they need a steady supply.
31441 Most people eat as though they were fattening themselves for market.
31444 Most people feel that everyone is entitled to their opinion.
31446 Most people have a furious itch to talk about themselves and are restrained
31447 only by the disinclination of others to listen. Reserve is an artificial
31448 quality that is developed in most of us as the result of innumerable rebuffs.
31451 Most people have a mind that's open by appointment only.
31453 Most people have two reasons for doing anything --
31454 a good reason, and the real reason.
31456 Most people in this society who aren't actively mad are,
31457 at best, reformed or potential lunatics.
31460 Most people need some of their problems
31461 to help take their mind off some of the others.
31463 Most people prefer certainty to truth.
31465 Most people want either less corruption
31466 or more of a chance to participate in it.
31468 Most people will listen to your unreasonable demands,
31469 if you'll consider their unacceptable offer.
31471 Most people's favorite way to end a game is by winning.
31473 Most public domain software is free, at least at first glance.
31475 Most rock journalism is people who can't write interviewing people who
31476 can't talk for people who can't read.
31479 Most seminars have a happy ending. Everyone's glad when they're over.
31481 Most Texans think Hanukkah is some sort of duck call.
31487 Mother Earth is not flat!
31489 Mother said there would be days like this, but she never said that
31490 there would be so many.
31492 Mother said there would be days like this, but she never said there
31495 Mother told me to be good but she's been wrong before.
31497 Mothers all want their sons to grow up to be President, but they
31498 don't want them to become politicians in the process.
31501 Mothers of large families (who claim to common sense)
31502 Will find a Tiger will repay the trouble and expense.
31503 -- Hilaire Belloc, "The Tiger"
31505 Mount St. Helens should have used earth control.
31507 MOUNT TAPE U1439 ON B3, NO RING
31509 Mountain Dew and doughnuts... because breakfast is the most important meal
31513 The sum of the intelligence on the planet is a constant; the
31514 population is growing.
31516 Mr. Rockford? This is Betty Joe Withers. I got four shirts of yours from
31517 the Bo Peep Cleaners by mistake. I don't know why they gave me men's
31518 shirts but they're going back.
31520 Mr. Rockford? You don't know me, but I'd like to hire you. Could
31521 you call me at... My name is... uh... Never mind, forget it!
31523 Mr. Rockford; Miss Collins from the Bureau of Licenses. We got your
31524 renewal before the extended deadline but not your check. I'm sorry but
31525 at midnight you're no longer licensed as an investigator.
31527 Mr. Rockford, this is the Thomas Crown School of Dance and Contemporary
31528 Etiquette. We aren't going to call again! Now you want these free
31531 Mr. Salter's side of the conversation was limited to expressions of assent.
31532 When Lord Copper was right he said "Definitely, Lord Copper"; when he was
31533 wrong, "Up to a point."
31534 "Let me see, what's the name of the place I mean? Capital of Japan?
31535 Yokohama isn't it?"
31536 "Up to a point, Lord Copper."
31537 "And Hong Kong definitely belongs to us, doesn't it?"
31538 "Definitely, Lord Copper."
31539 -- Evelyn Waugh, "Scoop"
31541 MSDOS is not dead, it just smells that way.
31544 Much of the excitement we get out of our work
31545 is that we don't really know what we are doing.
31546 -- Edsger W. Dijkstra
31548 Much to his Mum and Dad's dismay, Horace ate himself one day.
31549 He didn't stop to say his grace, he just sat down and ate his face.
31550 "We can't have this!" his Dad declared, "If that lad's ate, he should
31552 But even as he spoke they saw Horace eating more and more:
31553 First his legs and then his thighs, his arms, his nose, his hair, his eyes...
31554 "Stop him someone!" Mother cried, "Those eyeballs would be better fried!"
31555 But all too late, for they were gone, and he had started on his dong...
31556 "Oh! foolish child!" the father mourns "You could have deep-fried that
31558 Some parsley and and some tartar sauce..."
31559 But H. was on his second course: his liver and his lights and lung,
31560 His ears, his neck, his chin, his tongue; "To think I raised him from the cot,
31561 And now he's going to scoff the lot!"
31562 His Mother cried: "What shall we do? What's left won't even make a stew..."
31563 And as she wept, her son was seen, to eat his head, his heart his spleen.
31564 and there he lay: a boy no more, just a stomach on the floor...
31565 None the less, since it *was* his, they ate it -- that's what haggis is.
31567 Multics is security spelled sideways.
31569 "Multiply in your head" (ordered the compassionate Dr. Adams) "365,365,365,
31570 365,365,365 by 365,365,365,365,365,365". He [ten-year-old Truman Henry
31571 Safford] flew around the room like a top, pulled his pantaloons over the
31572 tops of his boots, bit his hands, rolled his eyes in their sockets, sometimes
31573 smiling and talking, and then seeming to be in an agony, until, in not more
31574 than one minute, said he, 133,491,850,208,566,925,016,658,299,941,583,255!"
31575 An electronic computer might do the job a little faster but it wouldn't be
31576 as much fun to watch.
31577 -- James R. Newman, "The World of Mathematics"
31580 An Egyptian who was pressed for time.
31582 Mummy dust to make me old;
31583 To shroud my clothes, the black of night;
31584 To age my voice, an old hag's cackle;
31585 To whiten my hair, a scream of fright;
31586 A blast of wind to fan my hate;
31587 A thunderbolt to mix it well --
31588 Now begin thy magic spell!
31589 -- The Evil Queen, "Snow White"
31591 Mummy dust to make me old;
31592 To shroud my clothes, the black of night;
31593 To age my voice, an old hag's cackle;
31594 To whiten my hair, a scream of fright;
31595 A blast of wind to fan my hate;
31596 A thunderbolt to mix it well --
31597 Now begin thy magic spell!
31598 -- Walter Disney, "Snow White"
31601 -- Miguel de Cervantes
31603 Mundus vult decipi decipiatur ergo.
31604 -- Xaviera Hollander
31606 [The world wants to be cheated, so cheat.]
31608 Murder is always a mistake -- one should never do anything one cannot
31609 talk about after dinner.
31610 -- Oscar Wilde, "The Picture of Dorian Gray"
31612 Murphy was an optimist.
31614 Murphy's Law is recursive. Washing your car to make it rain doesn't work.
31616 Murphy's Law of Research:
31617 Enough research will tend to support your theory.
31619 Murphy's Law, that brash proletarian restatement of Godel's Theorem.
31620 -- Thomas Pynchon, "Gravity's Rainbow"
31623 (1) If anything can go wrong, it will.
31624 (2) Nothing is as easy as it looks.
31625 (3) Everything takes longer than you think it will.
31628 Any country with "democratic" in the title isn't.
31630 Music in the soul can be heard by the universe.
31633 Must be getting close to town -- we're hitting more people.
31635 Must I hold a candle to my shames?
31636 -- William Shakespeare, "The Merchant of Venice"
31639 Any item of food that has been sitting in the
31640 refrigerator so long it has become a science project.
31641 -- "Sniglets", Rich Hall & Friends
31643 My advice to you, my violent friend, is to seek out gold and sit on it.
31644 -- The Dragon to Grendel, in John Gardner's "Grendel"
31646 My analyst told me that I was right out of my head,
31647 But I said, "Dear Doctor, I think that it is you instead.
31648 Because I have got a thing that is unique and new,
31649 To prove it I'll have the last laugh on you.
31650 'Cause instead of one head -- I've got two.
31652 And you know two heads are better than one.
31654 My best argument against discrimination is quite simple:
31656 Does it really matter if the ABC people are inferior to the DEF people if
31657 they can tell one end of a gun from the other?
31659 My Bonnie looked into a gas tank,
31660 The height of its contents to see!
31661 She lit a small match to assist her,
31662 Oh, bring back my Bonnie to me.
31664 My boy is mean kid. I came home the other day and saw him taping worms
31665 to the sidewalk, he sits there and watches the birds get hernias. Well,
31666 only last Christmas I gave him a B-B gun and he gave me a sweatshirt with
31667 a bulls-eye on the back.
31669 I told my kids, "Someday, you'll have kids of your own." One of them
31670 said, "So will you."
31671 -- Rodney Dangerfield
31673 My brain is my second favorite organ.
31676 My brother sent me a postcard the other day with this big satellite photo
31677 of the entire earth on it. On the back it said: "Wish you were here".
31680 My calculator is my shepherd, I shall not want
31681 It maketh me accurate to ten significant figures,
31682 and it leadeth me in scientific notation to 99 digits.
31683 It restoreth my square roots and guideth me along paths of floating
31684 decimal points for the sake of precision.
31685 Yea, tho I walk through the valley of surprise quizzes,
31686 I will fear no prof, for my calculator is there to hearten me.
31687 It prepareth a log table to comfort me, it prepareth an
31688 arc sin for me in the presence of my teachers.
31689 It anoints my homework with correct solutions, my interpolations are
31691 Surely, both precision and accuracy shall follow me all the days of my
31692 life, and I shall dwell in the house of Texas instruments forever.
31694 My central memory of that time seems to hang on one or five or maybe forty
31695 nights -- or very early mornings -- when I left the Fillmore half-crazy and,
31696 instead of going home, aimed the big 650 Lightning across the Bay Bridge at
31697 a hundred miles an hour ... booming through the Treasure Island tunnel at
31698 the lights of Oakland and Berkeley and Richmond, not quite sure which
31699 turnoff to take when I got to the other end ... but being absolutely certain
31700 that no matter which way I went I would come to a place where people were
31701 just as high and wild as I was: no doubt at all about that.
31702 -- Hunter S. Thompson
31704 "My country, right or wrong" is a thing that no patriot would think
31705 of saying, except in a desperate case. It is like saying "My mother,
31707 -- G.K. Chesterton, "The Defendant"
31709 "My country right or wrong" is like saying, "My mother drunk or
31713 My cup hath runneth'd over with love.
31715 My darling wife was always glum.
31716 I drowned her in a cask of rum,
31717 And so made sure that she would stay
31718 In better spirits night and day.
31720 My doctor told me to stop having intimate dinners for four.
31721 Unless there are three other people.
31724 My doctorate's in Literature, but it seems like a pretty good pulse to me.
31726 My experience with government is when things are non-controversial,
31727 beautifully co-ordinated and all the rest, it must be that not much
31731 My family history begins with me, but yours ends with you.
31734 My father, a good man, told me, "Never lose
31735 your ignorance; you cannot replace it."
31736 -- Erich Maria Remarque
31738 My father taught me three things:
31739 1: Never mix whiskey with anything but water.
31740 2: Never try to draw to an inside straight.
31741 3: Never discuss business with anyone who refuses to give his name.
31743 My father was a God-fearing man, but he never
31744 missed a copy of the New York Times, either.
31747 My father was a saint, I'm not.
31750 My favorite sandwich is peanut butter, baloney, cheddar cheese, lettuce
31751 and mayonnaise on toasted bread with catsup on the side.
31752 -- Senator Hubert Humphrey
31754 My first basename is George "Catfish" Metkovich from our 1952 Pittsburgh
31755 Pirates team, which lost 112 games. After a terrible series against the
31756 New York Giants, in which our center fielder made three throwing errors
31757 and let two balls get through his legs, manager Billy Meyer pleaded, "Can
31758 somebody think of something to help us win a game?"
31759 "I'd like to make a suggestion," Metkovich said. "On any ball hit
31760 to center field, let's just let it roll to see if it might go foul."
31761 -- Joe Garagiola, "It's Anybody's Ball Game"
31763 My folks didn't come over on the Mayflower,
31764 but they were there to meet the boat.
31766 My friend has a baby. I'm writing down all the noises he makes so
31767 later I can ask him what he meant.
31770 My geometry teacher was sometimes acute, and sometimes obtuse,
31771 but always, always, he was right.
31773 My girlfriend and I sure had a good time at the beach last summer. First
31774 she'd bury me in the sand, then I'd bury her. This summer I'm going to go
31775 back and dig her up.
31777 "My God! Are we sure he was a liberal?"
31778 "Pretty sure. They pulled him from a Volvo."
31780 My God, I'm depressed! Here I am, a computer with a mind a thousand times
31781 as powerful as yours, doing nothing but cranking out fortunes and sending
31782 mail about softball games. And I've got this pain right through my ALU.
31783 I've asked for it to be replaced, but nobody ever listens. I think it
31784 would be better for us both if you were to just log out again.
31786 My, how you've changed since I've changed.
31788 My idea of roughing it is when room service is late.
31790 My idea of roughing it turning the air conditioner too low.
31792 My interest is in the future because I am
31793 going to spend the rest of my life there.
31795 My love, he's mad, and my love, he's fleet,
31796 And a wild young wood-thing bore him!
31797 The ways are fair to his roaming feet,
31798 And the skies are sunlit for him.
31799 As sharply sweet to my heart he seems
31800 As the fragrance of acacia.
31801 My own dear love, he is all my dreams --
31802 And I wish he were in Asia.
31803 -- Dorothy Parker, part 2
31805 My love runs by like a day in June,
31806 And he makes no friends of sorrows.
31807 He'll tread his galloping rigadoon
31808 In the pathway or the morrows.
31809 He'll live his days where the sunbeams start
31810 Nor could storm or wind uproot him.
31811 My own dear love, he is all my heart --
31812 And I wish somebody'd shoot him.
31813 -- Dorothy Parker, part 3
31815 My method is to take the utmost trouble to find the right
31816 thing to say. And then say it with the utmost levity.
31819 My mind can never know my body, although
31820 it has become quite friendly with my legs.
31821 -- Woody Allen, on Epistemology
31823 My mother drinks to forget she drinks.
31826 My mother loved children -- she would
31827 have given anything if I had been one.
31830 My mother once said to me, "Elwood," (she always called me Elwood)
31831 "Elwood, in this world you must be oh so smart or oh so pleasant."
31832 For years I tried smart. I recommend pleasant.
31833 -- Elwood P. Dowde, "Harvey"
31835 My mother wants grandchildren, so I said, "Mom, go for it!"
31839 Rock and roll is here to stay The king is gone but he's not forgotten
31840 It's better to burn out This is the story of a Johnny Rotten
31841 Than to fade away It's better to burn out than it is to rust
31842 My my, hey hey The king is gone but he's not forgotten
31844 It's out of the blue and into the black Hey hey, my my
31845 They give you this, but you pay for that Rock and roll can never die
31846 And once you're gone you can never come back There's more to the picture
31847 When you're out of the blue Than meets the eye
31850 "My My, Hey Hey (Out of the Blue), Rust Never Sleeps"
31852 My notion of a husband at forty is that a woman should
31853 be able to change him, like a bank note, for two twenties.
31855 My only love sprung from my only hate!
31856 Too early seen unknown, and known too late!
31857 -- William Shakespeare, "Romeo and Juliet"
31859 My opinions may have changed, but not the fact that I am right.
31861 My own business always bores me to death; I prefer other people's.
31864 My own dear love, he is strong and bold
31865 And he cares not what comes after.
31866 His words ring sweet as a chime of gold,
31867 And his eyes are lit with laughter.
31868 He is jubilant as a flag unfurled --
31869 Oh, a girl, she'd not forget him.
31870 My own dear love, he is all my world --
31871 And I wish I'd never met him.
31872 -- Dorothy Parker, part 1
31874 My own life has been spent chronicling the rise and fall of human systems,
31875 and I am convinced that we are terribly vulnerable. ... We should be
31876 reluctant to turn back upon the frontier of this epoch. Space is indifferent
31877 to what we do; it has no feeling, no design, no interest in whether or not
31878 we grapple with it. But we cannot be indifferent to space, because the grand,
31879 slow march of intelligence has brought us, in our generation, to a point
31880 from which we can explore and understand and utilize it. To turn back now
31881 would be to deny our history, our capabilities.
31882 -- James A. Michener
31884 "My pants just went on a wild rampage through a Long Island Bowling Alley!!"
31885 -- Zippy the Pinhead
31887 My parents went to Niagra Falls and all I got was this crummy life.
31889 My pen is at the bottom of a page,
31890 Which, being finished, here the story ends;
31891 'Tis to be wished it had been sooner done,
31892 But stories somehow lengthen when begun.
31895 My philosophy is: Don't think.
31898 My problem lies in reconciling my gross habits with my net income.
31901 Any man who has $10,000 left when he dies is a failure.
31904 My rackets are run on strictly American
31905 lines, and they're going to stay that way.
31908 My religion consists of a humble admiration of the illimitable superior
31909 spirit who reveals himself in the slight details we are able to perceive
31910 with our frail and feeble mind.
31913 My ritual differs slightly. What I do, first thing [in the morning], is I
31914 hop into the shower stall. Then I hop right back out, because when I hopped
31915 in I landed barefoot right on top of See Threepio, a little plastic robot
31916 character from "Star Wars" whom my son, Robert, likes to pull the legs off
31917 of while he showers. Then I hop right back into the stall because our dog,
31918 Earnest, who has been alone in the basement all night building up powerful
31919 dog emotions, has come bounding and quivering into the bathroom and wants
31920 to greet me with 60 or 70 thousand playful nips, any one of which -- bear
31921 in mind that I am naked and, without my contact lenses, essentially blind
31922 -- could result in the kind of injury where you have to learn a whole new
31923 part if you want to sing the "Messiah," if you get my drift. Then I hop
31924 right back out, because Robert, with that uncanny sixth sense some children
31925 have -- you cannot teach it; they either have it or they don't -- has chosen
31926 exactly that moment to flush one of the toilets. Perhaps several of them.
31929 My schoolmates would make love to anything that moved, but I never saw any
31930 reason to limit myself.
31933 My sister opened a computer store in Hawaii.
31934 She sells C shells by the seashore.
31936 My soul is crushed, my spirit sore
31937 I do not like me anymore,
31938 I cavil, quarrel, grumble, grouse,
31939 I ponder on the narrow house
31940 I shudder at the thought of men
31941 I'm due to fall in love again.
31942 -- Dorothy Parker, "Enough Rope"
31944 My theology, briefly, is that the universe was dictated but not signed.
31945 -- Christopher Morley
31947 My uncle was the town drunk -- and we lived in Chicago.
31950 My way of joking is to tell the truth.
31951 That's the funniest joke in the world.
31954 My weight is perfect for my height -- which varies.
31956 Mystics always hope that science will some day overtake them.
31957 -- Booth Tarkington
31960 The body of a primitive people's beliefs, concerning its origin,
31961 early history, heroes, deities and so forth, as distinguished
31962 from the true accounts which it invents later.
31963 -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
31965 Naches (rhymes with Bach' us, with "Bach" pronounced like the composer)
31966 is what every Jewish parent wants from their children, lots of good
31967 returns, good grades, good spouse, good grandchildren.
31969 So, now that you all understand naches, the joke:
31971 Two Jewish women are sitting having coffee.
31972 "So, how's your daughter?"
31973 "Oh, Rachel! She's fine, she just married a dentist!"
31974 "Really? Isn't she the one that married the lawyer?"
31975 "Yes, that's my Rachel."
31976 "That's... that's nice. But isn't she the same one that married
31979 "But didn't she marry a bank executive before that?"
31981 "Ahhh. So much naches from one child!"
31984 When it comes to foreign food, the less authentic the better.
31987 Nadia Comaneci, simple perfection.
31990 'Naomi, sex at noon taxes.' I moan.
31992 A man, a plan, a canal, Panama.
31994 Sit on a potato pan, Otis.
31995 -- The Mad Palindromist
31997 NAPOLEON: What shall we do with this soldier, Guiseppe?
31998 Everything he says is wrong.
31999 GUISEPPE: Make him a general, Excellency,
32000 and then everything he says will be right.
32005 The contagious action of yawning, causing everyone in sight
32007 -- "Sniglets", Rich Hall & Friends
32009 Nasrudin called at a large house to collect for charity. The servant said
32010 "My master is out." Nasrudin replied, "Tell your master that next time he
32011 goes out, he should not leave his face at the window. Someone might steal
32014 Nasrudin returned to his village from the imperial capital, and the villagers
32015 gathered around to hear what had passed. "At this time," said Nasrudin, "I
32016 only want to say that the King spoke to me." All the villagers but the
32017 stupidest ran off to spread the wonderful news. The remaining villager
32018 asked, "What did the King say to you?" "What he said -- and quite distinctly,
32019 for everyone to hear -- was 'Get out of my way!'" The simpleton was overjoyed;
32020 he had heard words actually spoken by the King, and seen the very man they
32023 Nasrudin walked into a shop one day, and the owner came forward to serve
32024 him. Nasrudin said, "First things first. Did you see me walk into your
32027 "Have you ever seen me before?"
32029 "Then how do you know it was me?"
32031 Nasrudin walked into a teahouse and declaimed, "The moon is more useful
32033 "Why?", he was asked.
32034 "Because at night we need the light more."
32036 Nasrudin was carrying home a piece of liver and the recipe for liver pie.
32037 Suddenly a bird of prey swooped down and snatched the piece of meat from
32038 his hand. As the bird flew off, Nasrudin called after it, "Foolish bird!
32039 You have the liver, but what can you do with it without the recipe?"
32041 National security is in your hands - guard it well.
32043 Natural laws have no pity.
32045 Naturally the common people don't want war... but after all it is the leaders
32046 of a country who determine the policy, and it is always a simple matter to
32047 drag the people along, whether it is a democracy, or a fascist dictatorship,
32048 or a parliament, or a communist dictatorship. Voice or no voice, the people
32049 can always be brought to the bidding of the leaders. That is easy. All you
32050 have to do is tell them they are being attacked, and denounce the pacifists
32051 for lack of patriotism and exposing the country to danger. It works the same
32055 Nature abhors a hero. For one thing, he violates the law of conservation
32056 of energy. For another, how can it be the survival of the fittest when the
32057 fittest keeps putting himself in situations where he is most likely to be
32061 Nature abhors a virgin -- a frozen asset.
32062 -- Clare Booth Luce
32064 Nature always sides with the hidden flaw.
32066 Nature and nature's laws lay hid in night,
32067 God said, "Let Newton be," and all was light.
32069 It did not last; the devil howling "Ho!
32070 Let Einstein be!" restored the status quo.
32072 Nature has given women so much power that the law has very wisely
32074 -- Dr. Samuel Johnson
32076 Nature is by and large to be found out of doors, a location where,
32077 it cannot be argued, there are never enough comfortable chairs.
32080 Nature makes boys and girls lovely to look upon so they can be
32081 tolerated until they acquire some sense.
32084 Nature to all things fixed the limits fit,
32085 And wisely curbed proud man's pretending wit.
32086 As on the land while here the ocean gains,
32087 In other parts it leaves wide sandy plains;
32088 Thus in the soul while memory prevails,
32089 The solid power of understanding fails;
32090 Where beams of warm imagination play,
32091 The memory's soft figures melt away.
32092 -- Alexander Pope (on runtime bounds checking?)
32094 Nature, to be commanded, must be obeyed.
32097 Near the Studio Jean Cocteau
32098 On the Rue des Ecoles
32101 Every evening I would see him
32102 guiding the dog along
32103 the sidewalk, keeping
32104 a firm grip on the leash
32105 so that the dog wouldn't
32106 run into a passerby
32107 Sometimes the dog would stop
32108 and look up at the sky
32110 noticed me watching the dog
32111 and he said, "Oh, yes,
32113 when the moon is out,
32114 he can feel it on his face"
32117 Nearly all men can stand adversity, but if you
32118 want to test a man's character, give him power.
32121 Nearly every complex solution to a programming problem that I
32122 have looked at carefully has turned out to be wrong.
32125 Necessity has no law.
32128 Necessity hath no law.
32131 Necessity is a mother.
32133 "Necessity is the mother of invention" is a silly proverb. "Necessity
32134 is the mother of futile dodges" is much nearer the truth.
32135 -- Alfred North Whitehead
32137 Necessity is the plea for every infringement of human freedom.
32138 It is the argument of tyrants; it is the creed of slaves.
32139 -- William Pitt, 1783
32141 Neckties strangle clear thinking.
32144 Needs are a function of what other people have.
32146 Negative expectations yield negative results.
32147 Positive expectations yield negative results.
32149 Neglect of duty does not cease, by repetition, to be neglect of duty.
32152 Neil Armstrong tripped.
32154 Neither spread the germs of gossip nor encourage others to do so.
32156 Nemo me impune lacessit
32157 [No one provokes me with impunity]
32158 -- Motto of the Crown of Scotland
32161 Plastic pouch worn in breast pocket to keep pens from soiling
32162 clothes. Nerd's position in engineering hierarchy can be
32163 measured by number of pens, grease pencils, and rulers bristling
32167 Melancholia's blue.
32171 Neurotics build castles in the sky,
32172 Psychotics live in them,
32173 And psychiatrists collect the rent.
32175 Neutrinos are into physicists.
32177 Neutrinos have bad breadth.
32180 An explosive device of limited military value because, as
32181 it only destroys people without destroying property, it
32182 must be used in conjunction with bombs that destroy property.
32184 Never accept an invitation from a stranger unless he gives you candy.
32187 Never appeal to a man's "better nature." He may not have one.
32188 Invoking his self-interest gives you more leverage.
32191 Never argue with a fool -- people might not be able to tell the difference.
32193 Never argue with a man who buys ink by the barrel.
32195 Never argue with a woman when she's tired -- or rested.
32197 Never ask the barber if you need a haircut.
32199 Never ask two questions in a business letter. The reply will discuss
32200 the one you are least interested, and say nothing about the other.
32202 Never be afraid to tell the world who you are.
32205 Never be led astray onto the path of virtue.
32207 Never buy from a rich salesman.
32210 Never buy what you do not want
32211 because it is cheap; it will be dear to you.
32212 -- Thomas Jefferson
32214 Never call a man a fool. Borrow from him.
32216 Never count your chickens before they rip your lips off.
32218 Never delay the ending of a meeting or the beginning of a cocktail hour.
32220 Never do today what you can put off until tomorrow.
32222 Never drink Coca-Cola in a moving elevator. The elevator's motion coupled
32223 with the chemicals in Coke produce hallucinations. People tend to change
32224 into lizards and attack without warning, and large bats usually fly in the
32225 window. (Additionally, you begin to believe that elevators have windows.)
32227 Never drink from your finger bowl -- it contains only water.
32229 Never eat anything bigger than your head.
32231 Never eat at a place called Mom's. Never play cards with a man named Doc.
32232 And never lie down with a woman who's got more troubles than you.
32233 -- Nelson Algren, "What Every Young Man Should Know"
32235 Never eat more than you can lift.
32238 Never, ever lie to someone you love unless you're
32239 absolutely sure they'll never find out the truth.
32241 Never explain. Your friends do not need it
32242 and your enemies will never believe you anyway.
32245 Never face facts; if you do you'll never get up in the morning.
32248 Never forget what a man says to you when he is angry.
32250 Never frighten a small man -- he'll kill you.
32252 Never get into fights with ugly people because they have nothing to lose.
32254 Never give an inch!
32256 Never go to a doctor whose office plants have died.
32259 Never go to bed mad. Stay up and fight.
32260 -- Phyllis Diller, "Phyllis Diller's Housekeeping Hints"
32262 Never have children, only grandchildren.
32265 Never have so many understood so little about so much.
32268 Never hit a man with glasses; hit him with a baseball bat.
32270 Never insult an alligator until you've crossed the river.
32272 Never invest your money in anything that eats or needs repainting.
32275 Never keep up with the Joneses. Drag them down to your level.
32278 Never kick a man, unless he's down.
32280 Never laugh at live dragons.
32283 Never leave anything to chance;
32284 make sure all your crimes are premeditated.
32286 Never lend your car to anyone to whom you have given birth.
32289 Never let someone who says it cannot be done
32290 interrupt the person who is doing it.
32292 Never let your sense of morals prevent you from doing what is right.
32293 -- Salvor Hardin, "Foundation"
32295 Never look a gift horse in the mouth.
32298 Never look up when dragons fly overhead.
32300 Never make anything simple and efficient when a
32301 way can be found to make it complex and wonderful.
32303 Never offend people with style when you can offend them with substance.
32304 -- Sam Brown, "The Washington Post", January 26, 1977
32306 Never offend with style when you can offend with substance.
32308 Never pay a compliment as if expecting a receipt.
32310 Never play pool with anyone named "Fats".
32312 Never promise more than you can perform.
32315 Never put off till run-time what you can do at compile-time.
32318 Never put off till tomorrow what you can avoid all together.
32320 Never put off until tomorrow what you can do the day after.
32322 Never raise your hand to your children -- it leaves your midsection
32326 Never reveal your best argument.
32328 Never say "Oops" in an operating room.
32330 Never say you know a man until you have divided an inheritance with him.
32332 Never sleep with a woman whose troubles are worse than your own.
32335 Never speak ill of yourself, your friends will always say enough on
32337 -- Charles-Maurice De Talleyrand
32339 NEVER swerve to hit a lawyer riding a bicycle -- it might be your bicycle.
32341 Never tell. Not if you love your wife ... In fact, if your old lady walks
32342 in on you, deny it. Yeah. Just flat out and she'll believe it: "I'm
32343 tellin' ya. This chick came downstairs with a sign around her neck `Lay
32344 On Top Of Me Or I'll Die'. I didn't know what I was gonna do..."
32347 Never tell people how to do things. Tell them WHAT to
32348 do and they will surprise you with their ingenuity.
32349 -- Gen. George S. Patton, Jr.
32351 Never test for an error condition you don't know how to handle.
32354 Never trust a child farther than you can throw it.
32356 Never trust a computer you can't repair yourself.
32358 Never trust an automatic pistol or a D.A.'s deal.
32361 Never trust an operating system.
32363 Never trust anybody whose arm is bigger than your leg.
32365 Never trust anyone who says money is no object.
32367 Never try to explain computers to a layman. It's easier to explain
32371 (Note, however, that virgins tend to know a lot about computers.)
32373 Never try to outstubborn a cat.
32376 Never try to teach a pig to sing.
32377 It wastes your time and annoys the pig.
32379 Never underestimate the bandwidth of a station wagon full of tapes.
32381 Never underestimate the power of human stupidity.
32383 Never use "etc." -- it makes people think there is more where
32384 there is not or that there is not space to list it all, etc.
32386 Never volunteer for anything.
32389 Never worry about theory as long as the
32390 machinery does what it's supposed to do.
32394 Different color from previous model.
32396 New crypt. See /usr/news/crypt.
32398 New England Life, of course. Why?
32400 New England Life, of course. Why do you ask?
32402 New members are urgently needed in the Society
32403 for Prevention of Cruelty to Yourself. Apply within.
32406 Abortions are becoming so popular in some countries that the waiting
32407 time to get one is lengthening rapidly. Experts predict that at this
32408 rate there will soon be an up to a one year wait.
32410 New systems generate new problems.
32412 New Year's Eve is the time of year when a man most feels his
32413 age, and his wife most often reminds him to act it.
32414 -- Webster's Unafraid Dictionary
32416 New York now leads the world's great cities in the number of people around
32417 whom you shouldn't make a sudden move.
32420 New York-- to that tall skyline I come
32421 Flyin' in from London to your door
32422 New York-- lookin' down on Central Park
32423 Where they say you should not wander after dark.
32425 -- Simon and Garfunkel
32427 New York's got the ways and means, just won't let you be.
32430 An "acceptable" level of unemployment means that the
32431 government economist to whom it is acceptable still has a job.
32433 Newman's Discovery:
32434 Your best dreams may not come true;
32435 fortunately, neither will your worst dreams.
32437 Newpaper editors are men who separate the wheat from the chaff, and then
32442 Today the East German pole-vault champion
32443 became the West German pole-vault champion.
32448 Rodney Fenster looked up the shaft of elevator number four at
32449 1700 N. 17th St. this morning to see if the elevator was on its way down.
32452 Newton's Little-Known Seventh Law:
32453 A bird in the hand is safer than one overhead.
32455 Next Friday will not be your lucky day.
32456 As a matter of fact, you don't have a lucky day this year.
32458 Nice boy, but about as sharp as a sack of wet mice.
32461 Nice guys don't finish nice.
32463 Nice guys finish last.
32466 Nice guys finish last, but we get to sleep in.
32469 Nice guys get sick.
32471 Nick the Greek's Law of Life:
32472 All things considered, life is 9 to 5 against.
32474 Nietzsche is pietzsche.
32476 Nietzsche is pietzsche, Goethe is murder.
32478 Nietzsche says that we will live the same life, over and over again.
32479 God -- I'll have to sit through the Ice Capades again.
32480 -- Woody Allen, "Hannah and Her Sisters"
32482 Nihilism should commence with oneself.
32484 Niklaus Wirth has lamented that, whereas Europeans pronounce his
32485 name correctly (Ni-klows Virt), Americans invariably mangle it into
32486 (Nick-les Worth). Which is to say that Europeans call him by name,
32487 but Americans call him by value.
32489 Nine megs for the secretaries fair,
32490 Seven megs for the hackers scarce,
32491 Five megs for the grads in smoky lairs,
32492 Three megs for system source;
32494 One disk to rule them all,
32495 One disk to bind them,
32496 One disk to hold the files
32497 And in the darkness grind 'em.
32499 Nine-track tapes and seven-track tapes
32500 And tapes without any tracks;
32501 Stretchy tapes and snarley tapes
32502 And tapes mixed up on the racks --
32503 Take hold of the tape
32504 And pull off the strip,
32505 And then you'll be sure
32506 Your tape drive will skip.
32508 -- Uncle Colonel's Cursory Rhymes
32510 Ninety percent of the politicians give the other ten percent a bad reputation.
32513 Ninety percent of the time things turn out worse than you thought they
32514 would. The other ten percent of the time you had no right to expect
32518 Ninety-Ninety Rule of Project Schedules:
32519 The first ninety percent of the task takes ninety percent of
32520 the time, and the last ten percent takes the other ninety percent.
32522 Nirvana? That's the place where the powers
32523 that be and their friends hang out.
32526 Nitwit ideas are for emergencies. You use them when you've got nothing
32527 else to try. If they work, they go in the Book. Otherwise you follow
32528 the Book, which is largely a collection of nitwit ideas that worked.
32529 -- Larry Niven, "The Mote in God's Eye"
32531 No act of kindness, no matter how small, is ever wasted.
32534 No amount of careful planning will ever replace dumb luck.
32536 No amount of genius can overcome a preoccupation with detail.
32538 No bird soars too high if he soars with his own wings.
32542 A decision which, viewed through the retrospectoscope,
32543 is "obvious" to those who failed to make it originally.
32545 No character, however upright, is a match for
32546 constantly reiterated attacks, however false.
32547 -- Alexander Hamilton
32549 No Civil War picture ever made a nickel.
32550 -- MGM executive Irving Thalberg to Louis B. Mayer about
32551 film rights to "Gone With the Wind".
32552 Cerf/Navasky, "The Experts Speak"
32556 No discipline is ever requisite to force attendance upon
32557 lectures which are really worth the attending.
32558 -- Adam Smith, "The Wealth of Nations"
32560 No doubt Jack the Ripper excused himself
32561 on the grounds that it was human nature.
32563 No, `Eureka' is Greek for `This bath is too hot.'
32566 No evil can happen to a good man.
32569 No excellent soul is exempt from a mixture of madness.
32572 No extensible language will be universal.
32575 No friendship is so cordial or so delicious as that of girl for girl;
32576 no hatred so intense or immovable as that of woman for woman.
32579 No good deed goes unpunished.
32580 -- Clare Booth Luce
32582 No group of professionals meets except to
32583 conspire against the public at large.
32586 No guest is so welcome in a friend's house that
32587 he will not become a nuisance after three days.
32588 -- Titus Maccius Plautus
32592 No hardware designer should be allowed to produce any piece of hardware
32593 until three software guys have signed off for it.
32596 No, his mind is not for rent
32597 To any god or government.
32598 Always hopeful, yet discontent,
32599 He knows changes aren't permanent -
32602 No house is childproofed unless the little darlings are in straitjackets.
32604 No house should ever be on any hill or on anything.
32605 It should be of the hill, belonging to it.
32606 -- Frank Lloyd Wright
32608 No, I don't have a drinking problem.
32609 I drink, I get drunk, I fall down. No problem!
32611 No, I'm not interested in developing a powerful brain. All I'm after is
32612 just a mediocre brain, something like the president of American Telephone
32613 and Telegraph Company.
32614 -- Alan Turing on the possibilities of a thinking
32617 No is no negative in a woman's mouth.
32620 "No job too big; no fee too big!"
32621 -- Dr. Peter Venkman, "Ghost-busters"
32623 No line available at 300 baud.
32625 No live organism can continue for long to exist sanely under conditions of
32626 absolute reality; even larks and katydids are supposed, by some, to dream.
32627 Hill House, not sane, stood by itself against its hills, holding darkness
32628 within; it had stood so for eighty years and might stand for eighty more.
32629 Within, walls continued upright, bricks met neatly, floors were firm, and
32630 doors were sensibly shut; silence lay steadily against the wood and stone
32631 of Hill House, and whatever walked there, walked alone.
32632 -- Shirley Jackson, "The Haunting of Hill House"
32637 No man can have a reasonable opinion of women until he has long lost
32638 interest in hair restorers.
32641 No man in the world has more courage than the man who can stop after eating
32643 -- Channing Pollock
32645 No man is an Iland, intire of it selfe; every man is a peece of the
32646 Continent, a part of the maine; if a Clod bee washed away by the Sea,
32647 Europe is the lesse, as well as if a Promontorie were, as well as if
32648 a Mannor of thy friends or of thine owne were; any mans death diminishes
32649 me, because I am involved in Mankinde; And therefore never send to know
32650 for whom the bell tolls; It tolls for thee.
32651 -- John Donne, "No Man is an Iland"
32653 No man is an island, but some of us are long peninsulas.
32655 No man is an island if he's on at least one mailing list.
32657 No man is useless who has a friend,
32658 and if we are loved we are indispensable.
32659 -- Robert Louis Stevenson
32661 No man would listen to you talk if he didn't know it was his turn next.
32664 No man's ambition has a right to stand in
32665 the way of performing a simple act of justice.
32668 No Marxist can deny that the interests of socialism are higher
32669 than the interests of the right of nations to self-determination.
32672 No matter how celebrated the beauty of a woman, I would never spend a night
32673 with her. The only celebrity with whom I would share a night is Max Planck.
32674 But he is dead. So I live like a monk, aside from a little self gratification
32678 No matter how cynical you get, it's impossible to keep up.
32680 No matter how much you do you never do enough.
32682 No matter how old a mother is, she watches her middle-aged children for
32683 signs of improvement.
32684 -- Florida Scott-Maxwell
32686 No matter how subtle the wizard, a knife in the shoulder blades will seriously
32689 No matter what happens, there is always someone who knew it would.
32691 No matter where I go, the place is always called "here".
32693 No matter who you are, some scholar can show you
32694 the great idea you had was had by someone before you.
32696 No matther whether th' constitution follows th' flag or not,
32697 th' supreme court follows th' iliction returns.
32700 No modern woman with a grain of sense ever sends little notes to an
32701 unmarried man -- not until she is married, anyway.
32704 No, my friend, the way to have good and safe government, is not to trust it
32705 all to one, but to divide it among the many, distributing to every one exactly
32706 the functions he is competent to. It is by dividing and subdividing these
32707 republics from the national one down through all its subordinations, until it
32708 ends in the administration of every man's farm by himself; by placing under
32709 every one what his own eye may superintend, that all will be done for the best.
32710 -- Thomas Jefferson, to Joseph Cabell, 1816
32712 No one becomes depraved in a moment.
32713 -- Decimus Junius Juvenalis
32715 No one can feel as helpless as the owner of a sick goldfish.
32717 No one can have a higher opinion of him than I have, and I think he's a
32718 dirty little beast.
32721 No one can make you feel inferior without your consent.
32722 -- Eleanor Roosevelt
32724 No one can put you down without your full cooperation.
32726 No one gets sick on Wednesdays.
32728 No one knows like a woman how to say
32729 things that are at once gentle and deep.
32732 No one knows what he can do till he tries.
32735 No one regards what is before his feet; we all gaze at the stars.
32738 No one so thoroughly appreciates the value of constructive criticism as the
32739 one who's giving it.
32742 NO OPIUM-SMOKING IN THE ELEVATORS
32743 -- sign in the Rand Hotel, New York, 1907
32745 No pig should go sky diving during monsoon
32746 For this isn't really the norm.
32747 But should a fat swine try to soar like a loon,
32748 So what? Any pork in a storm.
32750 No pig should go sky diving during monsoon,
32751 It's risky enough when the weather is fine.
32752 But to have a pig soar when the monsoon doth roar
32753 Cast even more perils before swine.
32755 No plain fanfold paper could hold that fractal Puff --
32756 He grew so fast no plotting pack could shrink him far enough.
32757 Compiles and simulations grew so quickly tame
32758 And swapped out all their data space when Puff pushed his stack frame.
32760 Puff, he grew so quickly, while others moved like snails
32761 And mini-Puffs would perch themselves on his gigantic tail.
32762 All the student hackers loved that fractal Puff
32763 But DCS did not like Puff, and finally said, "Enough!"
32765 Puff used more resources than DCS could spare.
32766 The operator killed Puff's job -- he didn't seem to care.
32767 A gloom fell on the hackers; it seemed to be the end,
32768 But Puff trapped the exception, and grew from naught again!
32771 Puff the fractal dragon was written in C,
32772 And frolicked while processes switched in mainframe memory.
32773 Puff the fractal dragon was written in C,
32774 And frolicked while processes switched in mainframe memory.
32776 No poet or novelist wishes he was the only one who ever lived, but most of
32777 them wish they were the only one alive, and quite a number fondly believe
32778 their wish has been granted.
32779 -- W.H. Auden, "The Dyer's Hand"
32781 No problem is insoluble in all conceivable circumstances.
32783 No problem is so formidable that you can't just walk away from it.
32785 No problem is so formidable that you can't just walk away from it.
32788 No problem is so large it can't be fit in somewhere.
32790 "No program is perfect,"
32791 They said with a shrug.
32792 "The customer's happy--
32793 What's one little bug?"
32795 But he was determined, Then change two, then three more,
32796 The others went home. As year followed year.
32797 He dug out the flow chart And strangers would comment,
32798 Deserted, alone. "Is that guy still here?"
32800 Night passed into morning. He died at the console
32801 The room was cluttered Of hunger and thirst
32802 With core dumps, source listings. Next day he was buried
32803 "I'm close," he muttered. Face down, nine edge first.
32805 Chain smoking, cold coffee, And his wife through her tears
32806 Logic, deduction. Accepted his fate.
32807 "I've got it!" he cried, Said "He's not really gone,
32808 "Just change one instruction." He's just working late."
32809 -- The Perfect Programmer
32811 No proper program contains an indication which as an operator-applied
32812 occurrence identifies an operator-defining occurrence which as an
32813 indication-applied occurrence identifies an indication-defining occurrence
32814 different from the one identified by the given indication as an
32815 indication-applied occurrence.
32818 No question is so difficult as one to which the answer is obvious.
32820 No rock so hard but that a little wave
32821 May beat admission in a thousand years.
32824 No self-made man ever did such a good job
32825 that some woman didn't want to make some alterations.
32828 No skis take rocks like rental skis!
32830 No small art is it to sleep: it is necessary
32831 for that purpose to keep awake all day.
32834 No snowflake in an avalanche ever feels responsible.
32836 No sooner had Edger Allen Poe
32837 Finished his old Raven,
32838 then he started his Old Crow.
32840 No sooner said than done -- so acts your man of worth.
32843 No spitting on the Bus!
32844 Thank you, The Management.
32846 No television performance takes as much preparation as an off-the-cuff talk.
32849 No two persons ever read the same book.
32852 No use getting too involved in life --
32853 you're only here for a limited time.
32855 No violence, gentlemen -- no violence, I beg of you! Consider the furniture!
32858 No woman can call herself free until she can choose consciously whether
32859 she will or will not be a mother.
32860 -- Margaret H. Sanger
32862 No woman can endure a gambling husband, unless he is a steady winner.
32863 -- Lord Thomas Dewar
32865 No woman ever falls in love with a man unless she has a better opinion of
32866 him than he deserves.
32867 -- Edgar Watson Howe
32869 No wonder Clairol makes so much money selling shampoo.
32870 Lather, Rinse, Repeat is an infinite loop!
32872 No wonder you're tired! You understood so much today.
32874 No yak too dirty; no dumpster too hollow.
32876 Nobert Weiner was the subject of many dotty professor stories. Weiner was, in
32877 fact, very absent minded. The following story is told about him: when they
32878 moved from Cambridge to Newton his wife, knowing that he would be absolutely
32879 useless on the move, packed him off to MIT while she directed the move. Since
32880 she was certain that he would forget that they had moved and where they had
32881 moved to, she wrote down the new address on a piece of paper, and gave it to
32882 him. Naturally, in the course of the day, an insight occurred to him. He
32883 reached in his pocket, found a piece of paper on which he furiously scribbled
32884 some notes, thought it over, decided there was a fallacy in his idea, and
32885 threw the piece of paper away. At the end of the day he went home (to the
32886 old address in Cambridge, of course). When he got there he realized that they
32887 had moved, that he had no idea where they had moved to, and that the piece of
32888 paper with the address was long gone. Fortunately inspiration struck. There
32889 was a young girl on the street and he conceived the idea of asking her where
32890 he had moved to, saying, "Excuse me, perhaps you know me. I'm Norbert Weiner
32891 and we've just moved. Would you know where we've moved to?" To which the
32892 young girl replied, "Yes, Daddy, Mommy thought you would forget."
32893 The capper to the story is that I asked his daughter (the girl in the
32894 story) about the truth of the story, many years later. She said that it wasn't
32895 quite true -- that he never forgot who his children were! The rest of it,
32896 however, was pretty close to what actually happened...
32899 Nobody can be as agreeable as an uninvited guest.
32901 Nobody can be exactly like me. Even I have trouble doing it.
32902 -- Tallulah Bankhead
32904 Nobody ever died from oven crude poisoning.
32906 Nobody ever forgets where he buried the hatchet.
32909 Nobody ever ruined their eyesight by looking at the bright side of something.
32911 NOBODY EXPECTS THE SPANISH INQUISITION.
32913 Nobody is one block of harmony. We are all afraid of something, or feel
32914 limited in something. We all need somebody to talk to. It would be good
32915 if we talked to each other--not just pitter-patter, but real talk. We
32916 shouldn't be so afraid, because most people really like this contact;
32917 that you show you are vulnerable makes them free to be vulnerable too.
32918 It's so much easier to be together when we drop our masks.
32921 Nobody knows the trouble I've been.
32923 Nobody knows what goes between his cold toes and his warm ears.
32927 Everybody hates me,
32928 I think I'll go out and eat worms.
32929 I'm gonna cut their heads off,
32930 Eat their insides out,
32931 And throw way the skins.
32932 Big, fat, juicy ones,
32933 Little, skinny, cute ones,
32934 Watch how they wiggle and they squirm.
32936 Nobody really knows what happiness is, until they're married.
32937 And then it's too late.
32940 -- Frank Gusenberg, his last words, when asked by police
32941 who had shot him 14 times with a machine gun in the Saint
32942 Valentine's Day Massacre.
32944 Only Capone kills like that.
32945 -- George "Bugs" Moran, on the Saint Valentine's Day Massacre
32947 The only man who kills like that is Bugs Moran.
32948 -- Al Capone, on the Saint Valentine's Day Massacre
32950 Nobody suffers the pain of birth or the anguish of loving a child in order
32951 for presidents to make wars, for governments to feed on the substance of
32952 their people, for insurance companies to cheat the young and rob the old.
32955 Nobody takes a bribe. Of course at Christmas if you happen to hold our
32956 your hat and somebody happens to put a little something in it, well, that's
32958 -- New York City Police Commissioner (Ret.) William P.
32959 O'Brien, instructions to the force.
32961 Nobody wants constructive criticism.
32962 It's all we can do to put up with constructive praise.
32964 Nobody's gonna believe that computers are intelligent until they start
32965 coming in late and lying about it.
32969 Noise proves nothing. Often a hen who has
32970 merely laid an egg cackles as if she laid an asteroid.
32974 A legal term meaning: "I didn't do it, judge, and I'll never do
32978 New Yorkerese for expensive.
32984 Non-Determinism is not meant to be reasonable.
32987 Nondeterminism means never having to say you are wrong.
32989 None love the bearer of bad news.
32992 None of our men are "experts." We have most unfortunately found it necessary
32993 to get rid of a man as soon as he thinks himself an expert -- because no one
32994 ever considers himself expert if he really knows his job. A man who knows a
32995 job sees so much more to be done than he has done, that he is always pressing
32996 forward and never gives up an instant of thought to how good and how efficient
32997 he is. Thinking always ahead, thinking always of trying to do more, brings a
32998 state of mind in which nothing is impossible. The moment one gets into the
32999 "expert" state of mind a great number of things become impossible.
33000 -- From Henry Ford Sr., "My Life and Work"
33002 Nonsense. Space is blue and birds fly through it.
33005 Nonsense and beauty have close connections.
33008 Noone ever built a statue to a critic.
33010 No-one would remember the Good Samaritan if he had only had good
33011 intentions. He had money as well.
33012 -- Margaret Thatcher
33014 Norm: Gentlemen, start your taps.
33015 -- Cheers, The Coach's Daughter
33017 Coach: How's life treating you, Norm?
33018 Norm: Like it caught me in bed with his wife.
33019 -- Cheers, Any Friend of Diane's
33021 Coach: How's life, Norm?
33022 Norm: Not for the squeamish, Coach.
33023 -- Cheers, Friends, Romans, and Accountants
33025 Norm: Hey, everybody.
33026 All: [silence; everybody is mad at Norm for being rich.]
33027 Norm: [Carries on both sides of the conversation himself.]
33029 How are you feeling today, Norm?
33030 Rich and thirsty. Pour me a beer.
33031 -- Cheers, Tan 'n Wash
33033 Woody: What's the latest, Mr. Peterson?
33034 Norm: Zha-Zha marries a millionaire, Peterson drinks a beer.
33036 -- Cheers, Knights of the Scimitar
33038 Woody: How are you today, Mr. Peterson?
33039 Norm: Never been better, Woody. ... Just once I'd like to be better.
33040 -- Cheers, Chambers vs. Malone
33042 [Norm comes in with an attractive woman.]
33044 Coach: Normie, Normie, could this be Vera?
33045 Norm: With a lot of expensive surgery, maybe.
33046 -- Cheers, Norman's Conquest
33048 Coach: What's up, Normie?
33049 Norm: The temperature under my collar, Coach.
33050 -- Cheers, I'll Be Seeing You (Part 2)
33052 Coach: What would you say to a nice beer, Normie?
33054 -- Cheers, Diane Meets Mom
33056 [Norm goes into the bar at Vic's Bowl-A-Rama.]
33058 Off-screen crowd: Norm!
33059 Sam: How the hell do they know him here?
33060 Cliff: He's got a life, you know.
33061 -- Cheers, From Beer to Eternity
33063 Woody: What can I do for you, Mr. Peterson?
33064 Norm: Elope with my wife.
33065 -- Cheers, The Triangle
33067 Woody: How's life, Mr. Peterson?
33068 Norm: Oh, I'm waiting for the movie.
33069 -- Cheers, Take My Shirt... Please?
33073 Woody: What can I get you, Mr. Peterson?
33074 Norm: Clifford Clavin's head.
33075 -- Cheers, The Triangle
33077 Sam: Hey, what's happening, Norm?
33078 Norm: Well, it's a dog-eat-dog world, Sammy,
33079 and I'm wearing Milk-Bone underwear.
33080 -- Cheers, The Peterson Principle
33082 Sam: How's life in the fast lane, Normie?
33083 Norm: Beats me, I can't find the on-ramp.
33084 -- Cheers, Diane Chambers Day
33086 [Norm returns from the hospital.]
33088 Coach: What's up, Norm?
33089 Norm: Everything that's supposed to be.
33090 -- Cheers, Diane Meets Mom
33092 Sam: What's new, Normie?
33093 Norm: Terrorists, Sam. They've taken over my stomach.
33094 They're demanding beer.
33095 -- Cheers, The Heart is a Lonely Snipehunter
33097 Coach: What'll it be, Normie?
33098 Norm: Just the usual, Coach. I'll have a froth of beer and a snorkel.
33099 -- Cheers, King of the Hill
33101 [Norm tries to prove that he is not Anton Kreitzer.]
33102 Norm: Afternoon, everybody!
33104 -- Cheers, The Two Faces of Norm
33106 Woody: What's going on, Mr. Peterson?
33107 Norm: A flashing sign in my gut that says, ``Insert beer here.''
33108 -- Cheers, Call Me, Irresponsible
33110 Sam: What can I get you, Norm?
33111 Norm: [scratching his beard] Got any flea powder? Ah, just kidding.
33112 Gimme a beer; I think I'll just drown the little suckers.
33113 -- Cheers, Two Girls for Every Boyd
33115 Normal times may possibly be over forever.
33117 Normally our rules are rigid; we tend to discretion, if for no other
33118 reason than self-protection. We never recommend any of our graduates,
33119 although we cheerfully provide information as to those who have failed
33121 -- Jack Vance, "Freitzke's Turn"
33123 Nostalgia is living life in the past lane.
33125 Nostalgia just isn't what it used to be.
33127 Not all men who drink are poets.
33128 Some of us drink because we aren't poets.
33130 Not all who own a harp are harpers.
33131 -- Marcus Terentius Varro
33133 Not drinking, chasing women, or doing drugs won't
33134 make you live longer -- it just seems that way.
33136 Not every problem someone has with his girlfriend is necessarily due to
33137 the capitalist mode of production.
33140 Not every question deserves an answer.
33142 Not everything worth doing is worth doing well.
33144 Not far from here, by a white sun, behind a green star, lived the
33145 Steelypips, illustrious, industrious, and they hadn't a care: no spats
33146 in their vats, no rules, no schools, no gloom, no evil influence of the
33147 moon, no trouble from matter or antimatter -- for they had a machine,
33148 a dream of a machine, with springs and gears and perfect in every
33149 respect. And they lived with it, and on it, and under it, and inside
33150 it, for it was all they had -- first they saved up all their atoms,
33151 then they put them all together, and if one didn't fit, why they
33152 chipped at it a bit, and everything was just fine...
33155 Not only is this incomprehensible, but the ink is
33156 ugly and the paper is from the wrong kind of tree.
33157 -- Professor, EECS, George Washington University
33159 I'm looking forward to working with you on this next year.
33160 -- Professor, Harvard, on a senior thesis.
33162 Not only is UNIX dead, it's starting to smell really bad.
33165 Not that we needed all that stuff, but when you get locked into a
33166 serious drug collection the tendency is to push it as far as you can.
33167 -- Hunter S. Thompson, "Fear and Loathing in Las Vegas"
33169 Not to laugh, not to lament, not to curse, but to understand.
33172 NOTE: No warranties, either express or implied, are hereby given.
33173 All software is supplied as is, without guarantee. The user assumes
33174 all responsibility for damages resulting from the use of these
33175 features, including, but not limited to, frustration, disgust, system
33176 abends, disk head-crashes, general malfeasance, floods, fires, shark
33177 attack, nerve gas, locust infestation, cyclones, hurricanes, tsunamis,
33178 local electromagnetic disruptions, hydraulic brake system failure,
33179 invasion, hashing collisions, normal wear and tear of friction
33180 surfaces, comic radiation, inadvertent destruction of sensitive
33181 electronic components, windstorms, the Riders of Nazgul, infuriated
33182 chickens, malfunctioning mechanical or electrical sexual devices,
33183 premature activation of the distant early warning system, peasant
33184 uprisings, halitosis, artillery bombardment, explosions, cave-ins,
33185 and/or frogs falling from the sky.
33187 Note to myself: use real bullets next time.
33189 Notes for a ballet, "The Spell": ... Suddenly Sigmund hears the flutter of
33190 wings, and a group of wild swans flies across the moon ... Sigmund is
33191 astounded to see that their leader is part swan and part woman --
33192 unfortunately, divided lengthwise. She enchants Sigmund, who is careful
33193 not to make any poultry jokes.
33196 Nothing astonishes men so much as common sense and plain dealing.
33197 -- Ralph Waldo Emerson
33199 Nothing can be done in one trip.
33202 Nothing cures insomnia like the realization that it's time to get up.
33204 Nothing endures but change.
33206 [Yeah, yeah, "Everything changes but change itself." --JFK Ed.]
33208 Nothing ever becomes real till it is experienced -- even a
33209 proverb is no proverb to you till your life has illustrated it.
33212 Nothing in life is so exhilarating as to be shot at without result.
33213 -- Winston Churchill
33215 Next to being shot at and missed, nothing is really quite as
33216 satisfying as an income tax refund.
33219 Nothing in life is to be feared. It is only to be understood.
33221 Nothing increases your golf score like witnesses.
33223 Nothing is as simple as it seems at first
33224 Or as hopeless as it seems in the middle
33225 Or as finished as it seems in the end.
33227 Nothing is but what is not.
33229 Nothing is ever a total loss; it can always serve as a bad example.
33231 Nothing is faster than the speed of light.
33233 To prove this to yourself, try opening the
33234 refrigerator door before the light comes on.
33236 Nothing is finished until the paperwork is done.
33238 Nothing is illegal if one hundred businessmen decide to do it.
33241 Nothing is impossible for the man who doesn't have to do it himself.
33244 Nothing is more admirable than the fortitude with which
33245 millionaires tolerate the disadvantages of their wealth.
33248 Nothing is more quiet than the sound of hair going grey.
33250 Nothing is rich but the inexhaustible wealth of nature.
33251 She shows us only surfaces, but she is a million fathoms deep.
33252 -- Ralph Waldo Emerson
33254 Nothing is so firmly believed as that which we least know.
33255 -- Michel de Montaigne
33257 Nothing is so often irretrievably missed as a daily opportunity.
33258 -- Ebner-Eschenbach
33260 Nothing lasts forever.
33261 Where do I find nothing?
33263 Nothing makes a person more productive than the last minute.
33265 Nothing makes one so vain as being told that one is a sinner.
33266 Conscience makes egotists of us all.
33269 Nothing matters very much, and few things matter at all.
33272 Nothing motivates a man more than to
33273 see his boss put in an honest day's work.
33275 Nothing, nothing, nothing, no error, no crime is so absolutely
33276 repugnant to God as everything which is official; and why? because
33277 the official is so impersonal and therefore the deepest insult
33278 which can be offered to a personality.
33279 -- Soren Kierkegaard
33281 Nothing recedes like success.
33284 Nothing shortens a journey so pleasantly as an account of misfortunes at
33285 which the hearer is permitted to laugh.
33288 Nothing so needs reforming as other people's habits.
33291 Nothing succeeds like excess.
33294 Nothing succeeds like success.
33297 Nothing succeeds like the appearance of success.
33298 -- Christopher Lascl
33300 Nothing takes the taste out of peanut butter quite like unrequited love.
33303 Nothing that's forced can ever be right,
33304 If it doesn't come naturally, leave it.
33305 That's what she said as she turned out the light,
33306 And we bent our backs as slaves of the night,
33307 Then she lowered her guard and showed me the scars
33308 She got from trying to fight
33309 Saying, oh, you'd better believe it.
33311 Well nothing that's real is ever for free
33312 And you just have to pay for it sometime.
33313 She said it before, she said it to me,
33314 I suppose she believed there was nothing to see,
33315 But the same old four imaginary walls
33316 She'd built for livin' inside
33317 I said oh, you just can't mean it.
33319 Well nothing that's forced can ever be right,
33320 If it doesn't come naturally, leave it.
33321 That's what she said as she turned out the light,
33322 And she may have been wrong, and she may have been right,
33323 But I woke with the frost, and noticed she'd lost
33324 The veil that covered her eyes,
33325 I said oh, you can leave it.
33326 -- Al Stewart, "If It Doesn't Come Naturally, Leave It"
33328 Nothing will dispel enthusiasm like a small admission fee.
33331 Nothing will ever be attempted
33332 if all possible objections must be first overcome.
33336 Anyone seen smoking will be assumed to be on fire and will
33337 be summarily put out.
33341 -- THE ELEVATORS WILL BE OUT OF ORDER TODAY --
33343 (The nearest working elevator is in the building across the street.)
33345 Nouvelle cuisine, n:
33346 French for "not enough food".
33348 Continental breakfast, n:
33349 English for "not enough food".
33352 Spanish for "not enough food".
33355 Chinese for more food than you've ever seen in your entire life.
33358 The eleventh twelfth of a weariness.
33360 Novinson's Revolutionary Discovery:
33362 When comes the revolution, things will be different --
33363 not better, just different.
33365 Now and then an innocent man is sent to the legislature.
33367 Now hatred is by far the longest pleasure;
33368 Men love in haste, but they detest at leisure.
33369 -- George Gordon, Lord Byron, "Don Juan"
33371 Now I lay me back to sleep.
33372 The speaker's dull; the subject's deep.
33373 If he should stop before I wake,
33374 Give me a nudge for goodness' sake.
33377 Now I lay me down to sleep
33378 I pray the double lock will keep;
33379 May no brick through the window break,
33380 And, no one rob me till I awake.
33382 Now I lay me down to sleep,
33383 I pray the Lord my soul to keep,
33384 If I should die before I wake,
33385 I'll cry in anguish, "Mistake!! Mistake!!"
33387 Now I lay me down to study,
33388 I pray the Lord I won't go nutty.
33389 And if I fail to learn this junk,
33390 I pray the Lord that I won't flunk.
33391 But if I do, don't pity me at all,
33392 Just lay my bones in the study hall.
33393 Tell my teacher I've done my best,
33394 Then pile my books upon my chest.
33396 Now is the time for all good men to come to.
33399 Now is the time for drinking;
33400 now the time to beat the earth with unfettered foot.
33401 -- Quintus Horatius Flaccus (Horace)
33403 Now it's time to say goodbye
33404 To all our company...
33405 M-I-C (see you next week!)
33406 K-E-Y (Why? Because we LIKE you!)
33409 Now of my threescore years and ten,
33410 Twenty will not come again,
33411 And take from seventy springs a score,
33412 It leaves me only fifty more.
33414 And since to look at things in bloom
33415 Fifty springs are little room,
33416 About the woodlands I will go
33417 To see the cherry hung with snow.
33420 Now that day wearies me,
33422 Will receive more kindly,
33423 Like a tired child, the starry night.
33425 Hands, leave off your deeds,
33426 Mind, forget all thoughts;
33428 Yearn only to sink into sleep.
33430 And my soul, unguarded,
33431 Would soar on widespread wings,
33432 To live in night's magical sphere
33433 More profoundly, more variously.
33434 -- Hermann Hesse, "Going to Sleep"
33436 Now that you've read Fortune's diet truths, you'll be prepared the next time
33437 some housewife or boutique owner turned diet expert appears on TV to plug
33438 her latest book. And, if you still feel a twinge of guilt for eating coffee
33439 cake while listening to her exhortations, ask yourself the following questions:
33441 1: Do I dare trust a person who actually considers alfalfa sprouts a food?
33442 2: Was the author's sole motive in writing this book to get rich
33443 exploiting the forlorn hopes of chubby people like me?
33444 3: Would a longer life be worthwhile if it had to be lived as prescribed...
33445 without French-fried onion rings, pizza with double cheese, or the
33446 occasional Mai-Tai? (Remember, living right doesn't really make
33447 you live longer, it just *seems* like longer.)
33449 That, and another piece of coffee cake, should do the trick.
33451 Now the Lord God planted a garden East of Whittier in a place called
33452 Yorba Linda, and out of the ground he made to grow orange trees that
33453 were good for food and the fruits thereof he labeled SUNKIST...
33455 Now there's a violent movie titled, "The Croquet Homicide,"
33456 or "Murder With Mallets Aforethought."
33457 -- Shelby Friedman, WSJ.
33459 Now there's three things you can do in a baseball game:
33460 you can win or you can lose or it can rain.
33463 Now you're ready for the actual shopping. Your goal should be to get it
33464 over with as quickly as possible, because the longer you stay in the mall,
33465 the longer your children will have to listen to holiday songs on the mall
33466 public-address system, and many of these songs can damage children
33467 emotionally. For example: "Frosty the Snowman" is about a snowman who
33468 befriends some children, plays with them until they learn to love him, then
33469 melts. And "Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer" is about a young reindeer who,
33470 because of a physical deformity, is treated as an outcast by the other
33471 reindeer. Then along comes good, old Santa. Does he ignore the deformity?
33472 Does he look past Rudolph's nose and respect Rudolph for the sensitive
33473 reindeer he is underneath? No. Santa asks Rudolph to guide his sleigh, as
33474 if Rudolph were nothing more than some kind of headlight with legs and a
33475 tail. So unless you want your children exposed to this kind of insensitivity,
33476 you should shop quickly.
33480 He who hesitates is not only lost, but several miles from
33481 the next freeway exit.
33483 Now's the time to have some big ideas
33484 Now's the time to make some firm decisions
33485 We saw the Buddha in a bar down south
33486 Talking politics and nuclear fission
33487 We see him and he's all washed up --
33488 Moving on into the body of a beetle
33489 Getting ready for a long long crawl
33490 He ain't nothing -- he ain't nothing at all...
33492 Death and Money make their point once more
33493 In the shape of Philosophical assassins
33494 Mark and Danny take the bus uptown
33495 Deadly angels for reality and passion
33496 Have the courage of the here and now
33497 Don't taking nothing from the half-baked buddhas
33498 When you think you got it paid in full
33499 You got nothing -- you got nothing at all...
33500 We're on the road and we're gunning for the Buddha.
33501 We know his name and he mustn't get away.
33502 We're on the road and we're gunning for the Buddha.
33503 It would take one shot -- to blow him away...
33504 -- Shriekback, "Gunning for the Buddah"
33506 Nuclear powered vacuum cleaners will probably be a reality within 10 years.
33507 -- Alex Lewyt (President of the Lewyt Corporation,
33508 manufacturers of vacuum cleaners), quoted in The New York
33509 Times, June 10, 1955.
33511 [Nuclear war] ... may not be desirable.
33514 Nuclear war would mean abolition of most comforts, and disruption of
33515 normal routines, for children and adults alike.
33516 -- Willard F. Libby, "You Can Survive Atomic Attack"
33518 Nudists are people who wear one-button suits.
33520 Nuke the unborn gay female whales for Jesus.
33522 Nuke them till they glow, then shoot them in the dark.
33524 (null cookie; hope that's ok)
33526 Nullum magnum ingenium sine mixtura dementiae fuit.
33529 Numeric stability is probably not all that important when you're guessing.
33531 Nurse Donna: Oh, Groucho, I'm afraid I'm gonna wind up an old maid.
33532 Groucho: Well, bring her in and we'll wind her up together.
33533 Nurse Donna: Do you believe in computer dating?
33534 Groucho: Only if the computers really love each other.
33537 The more pretentious the corporate name, the smaller the
33538 organization. (For instance, the Murphy Center for the
33539 Codification of Human and Organizational Law, contrasted
33540 to IBM, GM, and AT&T.)
33542 O! If I were a fish
33543 I'd lay hap'ly on my dish.
33544 Yes, that's my one and only wish --
33547 For fish don't ever mish;
33548 They needn't flush after they pish!
33549 Yes, and life's just swish, swish, swish,
33550 For all the fish!!!
33553 Where the buffalo roam,
33554 Where the deer and the antelope play,
33555 Where seldom is heard
33556 A discouraging word,
33557 'Cause what can an antelope say?
33559 O imitators, you slavish herd!
33560 -- Quintus Horatius Flaccus (Horace)
33563 To have a giant's strength; but it is tyrannous
33564 To use it like a giant.
33565 -- Shakespeare, "Measure for Measure", II, 2
33567 O Lord, grant that we may always be right,
33568 for Thou knowest we will never change our minds.
33570 O love, could thou and I with fate conspire
33571 To grasp this sorry scheme of things entire,
33572 Might we not smash it to bits
33573 And mould it closer to our hearts' desire?
33574 -- Omar Khayyam, tr. FitzGerald
33578 Objects are lost only because people
33579 look where they are not rather than where they are.
33582 Everything is always done for the wrong reasons.
33584 O'Brien held up his left hand, its back toward Winston, with the
33585 thumb hidden and the four fingers extended.
33586 "How many fingers am I holding up, Winston?"
33588 "And if the Party says that it is not four but five --
33591 The word ended in a gasp of pain.
33594 Observe yon plumed biped fine.
33595 To activate its captivation,
33596 Deposit on its termination,
33597 A quantity of particles saline.
33599 Obstacles are what you see when you take your eyes off your goal.
33601 "Obviously, a major malfunction has occurred."
33602 -- Steve Nesbitt, voice of Mission Control, January 28,
33603 1986, as the shuttle Challenger exploded within view
33604 of the grandstands.
33606 Obviously the only rational solution to your problem is suicide.
33609 The philosophical principle that even the simplest
33610 solution is bound to have something wrong with it.
33613 The part of the world lying west (or east) of the Orient. It is
33614 largely inhabited by Christians, powerful sub-tribe of the
33615 Hypocrites, whose principal industries are murder and cheating,
33616 which they are pleased to call "war" and "commerce." These, also,
33617 are the principal industries of the Orient.
33621 A body of water occupying about two-thirds
33622 of a world made for man -- who has no gills.
33624 Odets, where is thy sting?
33625 -- George S. Kaufman
33627 Of all forms of caution, caution in love is the most fatal.
33629 Of all men's miseries, the bitterest is this:
33630 to know so much and have control over nothing.
33633 Of all the animals, the boy is the most unmanageable.
33636 Of all the words of witch's doom
33637 There's none so bad as which and whom.
33638 The man who kills both which and whom
33639 Will be enshrined in our Who's Whom.
33642 Of all things man is the measure.
33645 Of course a platonic relationship is possible -- but only between
33648 Of course it's possible to love a human being
33649 if you don't know them too well.
33650 -- Charles Bukowski
33652 Of course power tools and alcohol don't mix. Everyone knows power
33653 tools aren't soluble in alcohol...
33656 Of course there's no reason for it, it's just our policy.
33658 Of course you can't flap your arms and fly to the moon.
33659 After awhile you'd run out of air to push against.
33661 Of course you have a purpose -- to find a purpose.
33663 Of what you see in books, believe 75%. Of newspapers, believe 50%. And of
33664 TV news, believe 25% -- make that 5% if the anchorman wears a blazer.
33667 The use of computers to improve efficiency in the office
33668 by removing anyone you would want to talk with over coffee.
33670 Official Project Stages:
33671 1. Uncritical Acceptance
33673 3. Dejected Disillusionment
33675 5. Search for the Guilty
33676 6. Punishment of the Innocent
33677 7. Promotion of the Non-participants
33679 Often statistics are used as a drunken man uses
33680 lampposts -- for support rather than illumination.
33682 Often things ARE as bad as they seem!
33685 The sooner you fall behind, the more time you have to catch up.
33687 Oh, Aunty Em, it's so good to be home!
33689 Oh, by the way, which one's Pink?
33692 Oh don't the days seem lank and long
33693 When all goes right and none goes wrong,
33694 And isn't your life extremely flat
33695 With nothing whatever to grumble at!
33697 Oh Father, my Father, Oh what must I do?
33698 They're burning our streets and beating me blue.
33699 "Listen my son, I'll tell you the truth:
33700 Get a close haircut and spit-shine your shoes."
33702 Oh Mother, my Mother, my confusions remove,
33703 I long to embrace her whose hair is so smooth.
33704 "Now listen my son, although you're confused,
33705 Cut your hair close and shine all your shoes."
33707 Oh Teacher, my Teacher, your life with me share.
33708 What books ought I read? What thoughts do I dare?
33709 "Oh Student, my Student, of dissent you beware.
33710 Shine those dull shoes and cut short your hair."
33712 Oh Preacher, my Preacher, does God really care?
33713 Are all races equal? Are laws just and fair?
33714 "Boy -- here's the answer, no need to despair:
33715 Shine those new shoes and cut short that hair."
33717 Oh freddled gruntbuggly, thy micturations are to me
33718 As plurdled gabbleblotchits on a lurgid bee.
33719 Groop I implore thee, my foonting turlingdromes,
33720 And hooptiously drangle me with crinkly bindlewurdles,
33721 Or I will rend thee in the goblerwarts with my blurglecruncheon,
33723 -- Prostetnic Vogon Jeltz
33725 Oh, give me a home,
33726 Where the buffalo roam,
33727 And I'll show you a house with a really messy kitchen.
33729 Oh, give me a locus where the gravitons focus
33730 Where the three-body problem is solved,
33731 Where the microwaves play down at three degrees K,
33732 And the cold virus never evolved. (chorus)
33733 We eat algea pie, our vacuum is high,
33734 Our ball bearings are perfectly round.
33735 Our horizon is curved, our warheads are MIRVed,
33736 And a kilogram weighs half a pound. (chorus)
33737 If we run out of space for our burgeoning race
33738 No more Lebensraum left for the Mensch
33739 When we're ready to start, we can take Mars apart,
33740 If we just find a big enough wrench. (chorus)
33741 I'm sick of this place, it's just McDonald's in space,
33742 And living up here is a bore.
33743 Tell the shiggies, "Don't cry," they can kiss me goodbye
33744 'Cause I'm moving next week to L4! (chorus)
33746 CHORUS: Home, home on LaGrange,
33747 Where the space debris always collects,
33748 We possess, so it seems, two of Man's greatest dreams:
33749 Solar power and zero-gee sex.
33750 -- to Home on the Range
33752 Oh give me your pity!
33753 I'm on a committee, We attend and amend
33754 Which means that from morning And contend and defend
33755 to night, Without a conclusion in sight.
33757 We confer and concur,
33758 We defer and demur, We revise the agenda
33759 And reiterate all of our thoughts. With frequent addenda
33760 And consider a load of reports.
33762 We compose and propose,
33763 We suppose and oppose, But though various notions
33764 And the points of procedure are fun; Are brought up as motions,
33765 There's terribly little gets done.
33767 We resolve and absolve;
33768 But we never dissolve,
33769 Since it's out of the question for us
33770 To bring our committee
33771 To end like this ditty,
33772 Which stops with a period, thus.
33773 -- Leslie Lipson, "The Committee"
33775 "Oh, he [a big dog] hunts with papa," she said. "He says Don Carlos [the
33776 dog] is good for almost every kind of game. He went duck hunting one time
33777 and did real well at it. Then Papa bought some ducks, not wild ducks but,
33778 you know, farm ducks. And it got Don Carlos all mixed up. Since the
33779 ducks were always around the yard with nobody shooting at them he knew he
33780 wasn't supposed to kill them, but he had to do something. So one morning
33781 last spring, when the ground was still soft, he took all the ducks and
33782 buried them." "What do you mean, buried them?" "Oh, he didn't hurt them.
33783 He dug little holes all over the yard and picked up the ducks in his mouth
33784 and put them in the holes. Then he covered them up with mud except for
33785 their heads. He did thirteen ducks that way and was digging a hole for
33786 another one when Tony found him. We talked about it for a long time. Papa
33787 said Don Carlos was afraid the ducks might run away, and since he didn't
33788 know how to build a cage he put them in holes. He's a smart dog."
33789 -- R. Bradford, "Red Sky At Morning"
33791 Oh, I am a C programmer and I'm okay
33792 I muck with indices and structs all day
33793 And when it works, I shout hoo-ray
33794 Oh, I am a C programmer and I'm okay
33796 Oh, I am just a typical American boy
33797 From a typical American town.
33798 I believe in God and Senator Dodd
33799 And keeping old Castro down.
33800 And when it came my time to serve
33801 I knew better dead than red,
33802 But when I got to my old draft board,
33803 Buddy this is what I said:
33805 Sarge I'm only 18, I got a ruptured spleen
33806 And I always carry a purse;
33807 I got eyes like a bat and my feet are flat
33808 And my asthma's getting worse.
33809 Yes, think of my career and my sweetheart dear
33810 And my poor old invalid aunt;
33811 Besides I ain't no fool I'm going to school
33812 And I'm working in a defense plant.
33813 -- Phil Ochs, "Draft Dodger Rag"
33815 Oh, I could while away the hours,
33816 Smoking herbs and flowers,
33817 Shooting up my veins,
33818 De-dum, De-dum, De-dum
33819 Tell you, I've been a-thinkin'
33820 I could drive a shiny Lincoln,
33821 If I dealt in good cocaine.
33822 -- To If I Only Had A Brain from "The Wizard of Oz"
33824 Oh, I don't blame Congress. If I had $600 billion at my disposal, I'd
33825 be irresponsible, too.
33828 Oh, I have slipped the surly bonds of earth,
33829 And danced the skies on laughter silvered wings;
33830 Sunward I've climbed and joined the tumbling mirth
33831 Of sun-split clouds and done a hundred things
33832 You have not dreamed of --
33833 Wheeled and soared and swung
33834 High in the sunlit silence.
33836 I've chased the shouting wind along and flung
33837 My eager craft through footless halls of air.
33838 Up, up along delirious, burning blue
33839 I've topped the wind-swept heights with easy grace,
33840 Where never lark, or even eagle flew;
33841 And, while with silent, lifting mind I've trod
33842 The high untrespassed sanctity of space,
33843 Put out my hand, and touched the face of God.
33844 -- John Gillespie Magee Jr., "High Flight"
33846 Oh I'm just a typical American boy
33847 From a typical American town.
33848 I believe in God and Senator Dodd
33849 And keeping old Castro down.
33850 And when it came my time to serve
33851 I knew "Better Dead Than Red",
33852 But when I got to my old draft board,
33853 Buddy, this is what I said:
33856 Sarge, I'm only eighteen, I've got a ruptured spleen,
33857 And I always carry a purse!
33858 I've got eyes like a bat and my feet are flat,
33859 And my asthma's getting worse!
33860 Yes, think of my career and my sweetheart dear,
33861 And my poor old invalid aunt!
33862 Besides I ain't no fool, I'm a-going to school
33863 And I'm a-working in a defense plant!
33864 -- Phil Ochs, "Draft Dodger Rag"
33866 Oh Lord, won't you buy me a 4BSD?
33867 My friends all got sources, so why can't I see?
33868 Come all you moby hackers, come sing it out with me:
33869 To hell with the lawyers from AT&T!
33871 Oh, love is real enough, you will find it some day, but it has one
33872 arch-enemy -- and that is life.
33873 -- Jean Anouilh, "Ardele"
33875 Oh, my friend, it is not what they take away from you that counts --
33876 it's what you do with what you have left.
33877 -- Hubert H. Humphrey
33879 Oh, so there you are!
33881 Oh, the Slithery Dee, he crawled out of the sea.
33882 He may catch all the others, but he won't catch me.
33883 No, he won't catch me, stupid ol' Slithery Dee.
33884 He may catch all the others, but AAAARRRRGGGGHHHH!!!!
33885 -- The Smothers Brothers
33887 Oh this age! How tasteless and ill-bred it is.
33888 -- Gaius Valerius Catullus
33890 Oh wearisome condition of humanity!
33891 Born under one law, to another bound.
33892 -- Fulke Greville, Lord Brooke
33894 Oh, well, I guess this is just going to be one of those lifetimes.
33896 Oh what a tangled web we weave, when first we practice to deceive.
33899 Oh, when I was in love with you,
33900 Then I was clean and brave,
33901 And miles around the wonder grew
33902 How well did I behave.
33904 And now the fancy passes by,
33905 And nothing will remain,
33906 And miles around they'll say that I
33907 Am quite myself again.
33910 Oh, wow! Look at the moon!
33912 Oh, ya doesn't have ta call me 'Johnson'! Well, you can call me 'Ray', or
33913 you can call me 'Jay', or you can call me 'R.J.', or you can call me 'Ray
33914 J.', or you can call me 'R.J.J.', or you can call me 'Ray J. Johnson', or
33915 you can call me 'R.J. Johnson', but ya DOESN'T have to call me 'Johnson'...
33917 Oh yeah? Well, I remember when sex was dirty and the air was clean.
33919 Oh, yeah, life goes on, long after the thrill of livin' is gone.
33920 -- John Cougar, "Jack and Diane"
33924 Okay, Okay -- I admit it. You didn't change that program that worked
33925 just a little while ago; I inserted some random characters into the
33926 executable. Please forgive me. You can recover the file by typing in
33927 the code over again, since I also removed the source.
33929 Old age and treachery will overcome youth and skill.
33931 Old age is always fifteen years old than I am.
33934 Old age is the harbor of all ills.
33937 Old age is the most unexpected of things that can happen to a man.
33940 Old age is too high a price to pay for maturity.
33942 Old Grandad is dead but his spirits live on.
33944 Old Japanese proverb:
33945 There are two kinds of fools -- those who never climb Mt. Fuji,
33946 and those who climb it twice.
33948 Old MacDonald had an agricultural real estate tax abatement.
33950 Old mail has arrived.
33952 Old men are fond of giving good advice to console
33953 themselves for their inability to set a bad example.
33954 -- La Rochefoucauld, "Maxims"
33956 Old Mother Hubbard went to the cupboard
33957 To fetch her poor daughter a dress.
33958 When she got there, the cupboard was bare
33959 And so was her daughter, I guess...
33961 Old musicians never die, they just decompose.
33963 Old programmers never die, they just become managers.
33965 Old programmers never die, they just branch to a new address.
33967 Old programmers never die, they just hit account block limit.
33969 Old soldiers never die. Young ones do.
33972 One who remembers when charity was a virtue and not an organization.
33975 Experience is something you don't get until just after you need it.
33977 omnibiblious, adj.:
33978 Indifferent to type of drink. Ex: "Oh, you can get me anything.
33981 On a clear day, U.C.L.A.
33983 On a clear disk you can seek forever.
33986 On a paper submitted by a physicist colleague:
33988 "This isn't right. This isn't even wrong."
33991 On a tous un peu peur de l'amour, mais on
33992 a surtout peur de souffrir ou de faire souffrir.
33994 [One is always a little afraid of love, but
33995 above all, one is afraid of pain or causing pain.]
33998 A dwarf is small, even if he stands on a mountain top;
33999 a colossus keeps his height, even if he stands in a well.
34000 -- Lucius Annaeus Seneca, 4BC - 65AD
34002 On account of being a democracy and run by the people, we are the only
34003 nation in the world that has to keep a government four years, no matter
34007 On account of us being a democracy and run by the people, we are the only
34008 nation in the world that has to keep a government four years, no matter
34010 -- The Best of Will Rogers
34012 On his way back from work, a driver came upon a horrible wreck in which one
34013 car looked exactly like his neighbor's. Stopping hurriedly on the side of
34014 the road, he ran toward the smoldering debris.
34015 "Listen, mister," a policeman said, holding him back, "I can't let
34016 you come any closer."
34017 "But that may be my friend, Henry, in there," the anguished man
34019 "OK, but it's pretty grisly," the cop cautioned. "There was a
34021 The policeman reached into the back seat of the demolished car and
34022 pulled forth the head, holding it at arm's length. "Is this your friend?"
34023 "That's not him -- thank heavens," the man said. "Henry's much
34026 On Monday mornings I am dedicated to the
34027 proposition that all men are created jerks.
34028 -- H. Allen Smith, "Let the Crabgrass Grow"
34030 On Thanksgiving Day all over America, families sit down to dinner at the
34031 same moment -- halftime.
34033 On the eighth day, God created FORTRAN.
34035 On the night before her family moved from Kansas to California, the little
34036 girl knelt by her bed to say her prayers. "God bless Mommy and Daddy and
34037 Keith and Kim," she said. As she began to get up, she quickly added, "Oh,
34038 and God, this is goodbye. We're moving to Hollywood."
34040 On the road, ZIPPY is a pinhead without
34041 a purpose, but never without a POINT.
34043 On the whole, I'd rather be in Philadelphia.
34044 -- W.C. Fields' epitaph
34046 On two occasions I have been asked [by members of Parliament!], "Pray, Mr.
34047 Babbage, if you put into the machine wrong figures, will the right answers
34048 come out?" I am not able rightly to apprehend the kind of confusion of
34049 ideas that could provoke such a question.
34052 Once ... in the wilds of Afghanistan, I lost my corkscrew,
34053 and we were forced to live on nothing but food and water for days.
34054 -- W.C. Fields, "My Little Chickadee"
34056 Once a word has been allowed to escape, it cannot be recalled.
34057 -- Quintus Horatius Flaccus (Horace)
34059 Once, adv.: Enough.
34061 Once again dread deed is done.
34063 his all-knowing eye shaded
34064 to human chance and circumstance.
34065 Peace reigns anew o'er Pine Valley,
34066 but Canon's sleep is troubled.
34068 Beware, scant days past the Ides of July.
34069 Impatient hands wait eagerly
34071 scant moments of time
34072 wrested from life in the full
34073 glory of Canon's power;
34074 held captive by his unblinking eye.
34076 Three golden orbs stand watch;
34077 one each to toll the day, hour, minute
34078 until predestiny decrees his reawakening.
34079 When that feared moment arrives,
34080 "Ask not for whom the bell tolls,
34081 It tolls for thee."
34082 -- "I extended the loan on your Camera, at the Pine
34083 Valley Pawn Shop today"
34085 Once Again From the Top
34087 Correction notice in the Miami Herald: "Last Sunday, The Herald erroneously
34088 reported that original Dolphin Johnny Holmes had been an insurance salesman
34089 in Raleigh, North Carolina, that he had won the New York lottery in 1982 and
34090 lost the money in a land swindle, that he had been charged with vehicular
34091 homicide, but acquitted because his mother said she drove the car, and that
34092 he stated that the funniest thing he ever saw was Flipper spouting water on
34093 George Wilson. Each of these items was erroneous material published
34094 inadvertently. He was not an insurance salesman in Raleigh, did not win the
34095 lottery, neither he nor his mother was charged or involved in any way with
34096 vehicular homicide, and he made no comment about Flipper or George Wilson.
34097 The Herald regrets the errors."
34098 -- "The Progressive", March, 1987
34100 Once again, we come to the Holiday Season, a deeply religious time that each
34101 of us observes, in his own way, by going to the mall of his choice.
34102 In the old days, it was not called the Holiday Season; the Christians
34103 called it "Christmas" and went to church; the Jews called it "Hanukka" and
34104 went to synagogue; the atheists went to parties and drank. People passing
34105 each other on the street would say "Merry Christmas!" or "Happy Hanukka!"
34106 or (to the atheists) "Look out for the wall!"
34108 Once you're safely in the mall, you should tie your children to you
34109 with ropes so the other shoppers won't try to buy them. Holiday shoppers
34110 have been whipped into a frenzy by months of holiday advertisements, and
34111 they will buy anything small enough to stuff into a shopping bag. If your
34112 children object to being tied, threaten to take them to see Santa Claus;
34113 that ought to shut them up.
34116 Once at a social gathering, Gladstone said to Disraeli, "I predict, Sir,
34117 that you will die either by hanging or of some vile disease". Disraeli
34118 replied, "That all depends upon whether I embrace your principals or your
34121 Once harm has been done, even a fool understands it.
34124 Once he had one leg in the White House and the nation trembled under his
34125 roars. Now he is a tinpot pope in the Coca-Cola belt and a brother to the
34126 forlorn pastors who belabor halfwits in galvanized iron tabernacles behind
34127 the railroad yards."
34128 -- H.L. Mencken, writing of William Jennings Bryan,
34129 counsel for the supporters of Tennessee's anti-evolution
34130 law at the Scopes "Monkey Trial" in 1925.
34132 Once I finally figured out all of life's
34133 answers, they changed the questions.
34135 Once, I read that a man be never stronger
34136 than when he truly realizes how weak he is.
34137 -- Jim Starlin, "Captain Marvel #31"
34139 Once is happenstance,
34140 Twice is coincidence,
34141 Three times is enemy action.
34142 -- Auric Goldfinger
34144 Once it hits the fan, the only rational choice is to
34145 sweep it up, package it, and sell it as fertilizer.
34147 Once Law was sitting on the bench
34148 And Mercy knelt a-weeping.
34149 "Clear out!" he cried, "disordered wench!
34150 Nor come before me creeping.
34151 Upon your knees if you appear,
34152 'Tis plain you have no standing here."
34154 Then Justice came. His Honor cried:
34155 "YOUR states? -- Devil seize you!"
34156 "Amica curiae," she replied --
34157 "Friend of the court, so please you."
34158 "Begone!" he shouted -- "There's the door --
34159 I never saw your face before!"
34161 Once the realization is accepted that even between the closest human beings
34162 infinite distances continue to exist, a wonderful living side by side can
34163 grow up, if they succeed in loving the distance between them which makes it
34164 possible for each to see each other whole against the sky.
34167 Once the toothpaste is out of the tube, it's hard to get it back in.
34170 Once there was a little nerd who loved to read your mail,
34171 And then yank back the i-access times to get hackers off his tail,
34172 And once as he finished reading from the secretary's spool,
34173 He wrote a rude rejection to her boyfriend (how uncool!)
34174 And this as delivermail did work and he ran his backfstat,
34175 He heard an awful crackling like rat fritters in hot fat,
34176 And hard errors brought the system down 'fore he could even shout!
34177 And the bio bug'll bring yours down too, ef you don't watch out!
34178 And once they was a little flake who'd prowl through the uulog,
34179 And when he went to his blit that night to play at being god,
34180 The ops all heard him holler, and they to the console dashed,
34181 But when they did a ps -ut they found the system crashed!
34182 Oh, the wizards adb'd the dumps and did the system trace,
34183 And worked on the file system 'til the disk head was hot paste,
34184 But all they ever found was this: "panic: never doubt",
34185 And the bio bug'll crash your box too, ef you don't watch out!
34186 When the day is done and the moon comes out,
34187 And you hear the printer whining and the rk's seems to count,
34188 When the other desks are empty and their terminals glassy grey,
34189 And the load is only 1.6 and you wonder if it'll stay,
34190 You must mind the file protections and not snoop around,
34191 Or the bio bug'll getcha and bring the system down!
34193 Once there was this conductor see, who had a bass problem. You see, during
34194 a portion of Beethoven's Ninth Symphony in which there are no bass violin
34195 parts, one of the bassists always passed a bottle of scotch around. So,
34196 to remind himself that the basses usually required an extra cue towards the
34197 end of the symphony, the conductor would fasten a piece of string around the
34198 page of the score before the bass cue. As the basses grew more and more
34199 inebriated, two of them fell asleep. The conductor grew quite nervous (he
34200 was very concerned about the pitch) because it was the bottom of the ninth;
34201 the score was tied and the basses were loaded with two out.
34203 Once upon a time there...
34205 Once upon a time there was a kingdom ruled by a great bear. The peasants
34206 were not very rich, and one of the few ways to become at all wealthy was
34207 to become a Royal Knight. This required an interview with the bear. If
34208 the bear liked you, you were knighted on the spot. If not, the bear would
34209 just as likely remove your head with one swat of a paw. However, the family
34210 of these unfortunate would-be knights was compensated with a beautiful
34211 sheepdog from the royal kennels, which was itself a fairly valuable
34212 possession. And the moral of the story is:
34214 The mourning after a terrible knight, nothing beats the dog of the bear that
34217 Once upon this midnight incoherent,
34218 While you pondered sentient and crystalline,
34219 Over many a broken and subordinate
34220 Volume of gnarly lore,
34221 While I pestered, nearly singing,
34222 Suddenly there came a hewing,
34223 As of someone profusely skulking,
34224 Skulking at my chamber door.
34226 Once you've seen one nuclear war, you've seen them all.
34228 Once you've tried to change the world you find
34229 it's a whole bunch easier to change your mind.
34231 "One Architecture, One OS" also translates as "One Egg, One Basket".
34233 One Bell System - it sometimes works.
34235 One Bell System - it used to work before they installed the Dimension!
34237 One Bell System - it works.
34239 One big pile is better than two little piles.
34242 One can never consent to creep when one feels an impulse to soar.
34245 One can search the brain with a microscope and not find the
34246 mind, and can search the stars with a telescope and not find God.
34249 One cannot make an omelette without breaking eggs -- but it is amazing
34250 how many eggs one can break without making a decent omelette.
34252 One can't proceed from the informal to the formal by formal means.
34254 One could not be a successful scientist without realizing that, in contrast
34255 to the popular conception supported by newspapers and mothers of scientists,
34256 a goodly number of scientists are not only narrow-minded and dull, but also
34258 -- J.D. Watson, "The Double Helix"
34260 One day an elderly Jewish Pole, living in Warsaw, finds an old lamp in his
34261 attic. He starts to polish it and (poof!) a genie appears in cloud of smoke.
34262 "Greetings, Mortal!" exclaims the genie, stretching and yawning, "For
34263 releasing me I will grant you three wishes."
34264 The old man thinks for a moment, then replies, "I want Genghis Khan
34265 resurrected. I want him to re-unite the Mongol hordes, march to the Polish
34266 border, decide he doesn't want to invade, and march back home."
34267 "No sooner said than done!" thunders the genie. "Your second wish?"
34268 "Hmmmm. I want Genghis Khan resurrected. I want him to re-unite the
34269 Mongol hordes, march to the Polish border, decide he doesn't want to invade,
34270 and march back home."
34271 "But... well, all right! Your third wish?"
34272 "I want Genghis Khan resurrected. I want him to re-unite his ---"
34273 "OKOKOKOK! Right. Got it. Why do you want Genghis Khan to march
34274 to Poland three times and never invade?"
34275 The old man smiles. "He has to pass through Russia six times."
34277 One day President Reagan, Chairman Brezhnev, the Pope, and a boy scout were
34278 flying together in an airplane. Right out in the middle of nowhere the plane
34279 developed engine trouble and started to go down. Unfortunately, only three
34280 parachutes could be found for the four passengers! Brezhnev grabbed one of
34281 the parachutes and declared "Comrades, as leader of the socialist workers
34282 revolution, my life must be spared." And he jumped out of the plane. Then
34283 Reagan exclaimed "As leader of the greatest nation on earth, I must keep the
34284 world safe for democracy." And with that he too jumped to safety. Now if
34285 you are following all this (or counting on your fingers) you must see that
34286 there is only one parachute left for the two remaining passengers. The Pope
34287 looked kindly upon the boy scout and said "I have had a long and productive
34288 life, my son. You take the parachute and leave me in God's hands." "That's
34289 very kind of you," the observant scout replied, "but there is no need. Reagan
34290 just jumped out with my knapsack."
34292 One day the King decided that he would force all his subjects to tell the
34293 truth. A gallows was erected in front of the city gates. A herald announced,
34294 "Whoever would enter the city must first answer the truth to a question
34295 which will be put to him." Nasrudin was first in line. The captain of the
34296 guard asked him, "Where are you going? Tell the truth -- the alternative
34297 is death by hanging."
34298 "I am going," said Nasrudin, "to be hanged on that gallows."
34299 "I don't believe you."
34300 "Very well, if I have told a lie, then hang me!"
34301 "But that would make it the truth!"
34302 "Exactly," said Nasrudin, "your truth."
34304 One day this guy is finally fed up with his middle-class existence and
34305 decides to do something about it. He calls up his best friend, who is a
34306 mathematical genius. "Look," he says, "do you suppose you could find some
34307 way mathematically of guaranteeing winning at the race track? We could
34308 make a lot of money and retire and enjoy life." The mathematician thinks
34309 this over a bit and walks away mumbling to himself.
34310 A week later his friend drops by to ask the genius if he's had any
34311 success. The genius, looking a little bleary-eyed, replies, "Well, yes,
34312 actually I do have an idea, and I'm reasonably sure that it will work, but
34313 there a number of details to be figured out.
34314 After the second week the mathematician appears at his friend's house,
34315 looking quite a bit rumpled, and announces, "I think I've got it! I still have
34316 some of the theory to work out, but now I'm certain that I'm on the right
34318 At the end of the third week the mathematician wakes his friend by
34319 pounding on his door at three in the morning. He has dark circles under his
34320 eyes. His hair hasn't been combed for many days. He appears to be wearing
34321 the same clothes as the last time. He has several pencils sticking out from
34322 behind his ears and an almost maniacal expression on his face. "WE CAN DO
34323 IT! WE CAN DO IT!!" he shrieks. "I have discovered the perfect solution!!
34324 And it's so EASY! First, we assume that horses are perfect spheres in simple
34325 harmonic motion..."
34329 With nothing to say,
34330 Wrote a mad meta-poem
34331 That started: "One day,
34333 With nothing to say,
34334 Wrote a mad meta-poem
34335 That started: "One day,
34338 Were the words that the poet,
34340 To bring his mad poem,
34341 To some sort of close".
34342 Were the words that the poet,
34344 To bring his mad poem,
34345 To some sort of close".
34347 One difference between a man and a machine
34348 is that a machine is quiet when well oiled.
34350 One doesn't have a sense of humor. It has you.
34353 One dusty July afternoon, somewhere around the turn of the century, Patrick
34354 Malone was in Mulcahey's Bar, bending an elbow with the other street car
34355 conductors from the Brooklyn Traction Company. While they were discussing the
34356 merits of a local ring hero, the bar goes silent. Malone turns around to see
34357 his wife, with a face grim as death, stalking to the bar.
34358 Slapping a four-bit piece down on the bar, she draws herself up to her
34359 full five feet five inches and says to Mulcahey, "Give me what himself has
34360 been havin' all these years."
34361 Mulcahey looks at Malone, who shrugs, and then back at Margaret Mary
34362 Malone. He sets out a glass and pours her a triple shot of Rye. The bar is
34363 totally silent as they watch the woman pick up the glass and knock back the
34364 drink. She slams the glass down on the bar, gasps, shudders slightly, and
34365 passes out; falling straight back, stiff as a board, saved from sudden contact
34366 with the barroom floor by the ample belly of Seamus Fogerty.
34367 Sometime later, she comes to on the pool table, a jacket under her
34368 head. Her bloodshot eyes fell upon her husband, who says, "And all these
34369 years you've been thinkin' I've been enjoying meself."
34371 One expresses well the love he does not feel.
34374 One family builds a wall, two families enjoy it.
34376 One father is more than a hundred schoolmasters.
34379 One friend in a lifetime is much; two are many; three are hardly possible.
34380 Friendship needs a certain parallelism of life, a community of thought,
34382 -- Henry Brook Adams
34384 One girl can be pretty -- but a dozen are only a chorus.
34385 -- F. Scott Fitzgerald, "The Last Tycoon"
34387 One good reason why computers can do more work than
34388 people is that they never have to stop and answer the phone.
34390 One good suit is worth a thousand resumes.
34392 One good thing about music,
34393 Well, it helps you feel no pain.
34394 So hit me with music;
34395 Hit me with music now.
34396 -- Bob Marley, "Trenchtown Rock"
34398 One good turn asketh another.
34401 One good turn deserves another.
34404 One good turn usually gets most of the blanket.
34406 One has to look out for engineers -- they begin with sewing machines
34407 and end up with the atomic bomb.
34410 One hundred women are not worth a single testicle.
34413 One is not superior merely because one sees the world as odious.
34414 -- Chateaubriand (1768-1848)
34416 One is often kept in the right road by a rut.
34419 ONE LIFE TO LIVE for ALL MY CHILDREN in
34420 ANOTHER WORLD all THE DAYS OF OUR LIVES.
34422 One man tells a falsehood, a hundred repeat it as true.
34424 One man's constant is another man's variable.
34427 One man's folly is another man's wife.
34430 One man's "magic" is another man's engineering.
34431 "Supernatural" is a null word.
34433 One man's Mede is another man's Persian.
34436 One man's theology is another man's belly laugh.
34438 One measure of friendship consists not in the number of things friends
34439 can discuss, but in the number of things they need no longer mention.
34442 One meets his destiny often on the road he takes to avoid it.
34444 One must have a heart of stone to read the death of Little Nell by Dickens
34448 One nice thing about egotists: they don't talk about other people.
34450 One nuclear bomb can ruin your whole day.
34452 One of my less pleasant chores when I was young was to read the Bible from
34453 one end to the other. Reading the Bible straight through is at least 70
34454 percent discipline, like learning Latin. But the good parts are, of course,
34455 simply amazing. God is an extremely uneven writer, but when He's good,
34456 nobody can touch him.
34457 -- John Gardner, NYT Book Review, Jan. 1983
34459 One of the chief duties of the mathematician in acting as an
34460 advisor... is to discourage... from expecting too much from
34464 One of the disadvantages of having children is that they eventually get old
34465 enough to give you presents they make at school.
34468 One of the large consolations for experiencing anything
34469 unpleasant is the knowledge that one can communicate it.
34470 -- Joyce Carol Oates
34472 One of the lessons of history is that nothing is often a good thing to
34473 do and always a clever thing to say.
34476 One of the major difficulties Trillian experienced in her relationship with
34477 Zaphod was learning to distinguish between him pretending to be stupid just
34478 to get people off their guard, pretending to be stupid because he couldn't
34479 be bothered to think and wanted someone else to do it for him, pretending
34480 to be so outrageously stupid to hide the fact that he actually didn't
34481 understand what was going on, and really being genuinely stupid. He was
34482 reknowned for being quite clever and quite clearly was so -- but not all the
34483 time, which obviously worried him, hence the act. He preferred people to be
34484 puzzled rather than contemptuous. This above all appeared to Trillian to be
34485 genuinely stupid, but she could no longer be bothered to argue about.
34486 -- Douglas Adams, "The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy"
34488 One of the most overlooked advantages to computers is... If they do
34489 foul up, there's no law against whacking them around a little.
34492 One of the most striking differences between a
34493 cat and a lie is that a cat has only nine lives.
34496 One of the pleasures of reading old letters is the knowledge that they
34498 -- George Gordon, Lord Byron
34500 One of the rules of Busmanship, New York style, is never surrender your
34501 seat to another passenger. This may seem callous, but it is the best
34502 way, really. If one passenger were to give a seat to someone who fainted
34503 in the aisle, say, the others on the bus would become disoriented and
34504 imagine they were in Topeka Kansas.
34506 One of the signs of Napoleon's greatness is the fact that he
34507 once had a publisher shot.
34508 -- Siegfried Unseld
34510 One of the worst of my many faults is that I'm too critical of myself.
34512 One of your most ancient writers, a historian named Herodotus, tells of a
34513 thief who was to be executed. As he was taken away he made a bargain with
34514 the king: in one year he would teach the king's favorite horse to sing
34515 hymns. The other prisoners watched the thief singing to the horse and
34516 laughed. "You will not succeed," they told him. "No one can."
34517 To which the thief replied, "I have a year, and who knows what might
34518 happen in that time. The king might die. The horse might die. I might die.
34519 And perhaps the horse will learn to sing.
34520 -- "The Mote in God's Eye", Niven and Pournelle
34522 One organism, one vote.
34524 One person's error is another person's data.
34526 One picture is worth 128K words.
34528 One picture is worth more than ten thousand words.
34531 One pill makes you larger And if you go chasing rabbits
34532 And, one pill makes you small. And you know you're going to fall.
34533 And the ones that mother gives you, Tell 'em a hookah smoking caterpillar
34534 Don't do anything at all. Has given you the call.
34535 Go ask Alice Call Alice
34536 When she's ten feet tall. When she was just small.
34538 When men on the chessboard When logic and proportion
34539 Get up and tell you where to go. Have fallen sloppy dead,
34540 And you've just had some kind of And the White Knight is talking
34542 And your mind is moving low. And the Red Queen's lost her head
34543 Go ask Alice Remember what the dormouse said:
34544 I think she'll know. Feed your head.
34547 -- Jefferson Airplane, "White Rabbit"
34549 One planet is all you get.
34551 One possible reason that things aren't going according to plan
34552 is that there never was a plan in the first place.
34554 One possible reason why things aren't going
34555 according to plan is that there never was a plan.
34557 One promising concept that I came up with right away was that you could
34558 manufacture personal air bags, then get a law passed requiring that they be
34559 installed on congressmen to keep them from taking trips. Let's say your
34560 congressman was trying to travel to Paris to do a fact-finding study on how
34561 the French government handles diseases transmitted by sherbet. Just when
34562 he got to the plane, his mandatory air bag, strapped around his waist, would
34563 inflate -- FWWAAAAAAPPPP -- thus rendering him too large to fit through the
34564 plane door. It could also be rigged to inflate whenever the congressman
34565 proposed a law. ("Mr. Speaker, people ask me, why should October be
34566 designated as Cuticle Inspection Month? And I answer that FWWAAAAAAPPPP.")
34567 This would save millions of dollars, so I have no doubt that the public
34568 would violently support a law requiring airbags on congressmen. The problem
34569 is that your potential market is very small: there are only around 500
34570 members of congress.
34572 One reason why George Washington
34573 Is held in such veneration:
34574 He never blamed his problems
34575 On the former Administration.
34576 -- George O. Ludcke
34578 One Saturday afternoon, during the campaign to decide whether or not there
34579 should be a Coastal Commission, I took a helicopter ride from Los Angeles
34580 to San Diego. We passed several state beaches, some crowded and some
34581 virtually empty. They had the same facilities, and in some cases the crowded
34582 and the empty beach were within a quarter mile of each other. Obviously
34583 many beach-goers prefer to be crowded together. Buying more beaches that
34584 people won't go to because they prefer to be crowded together on one beach
34585 is a ridiculous waste of our natural resources and our taxes.
34588 One seldom sees a monument to a committee.
34590 One should always be in love. That is the reason one should never marry.
34594 Doesn't fit anyone.
34596 One small step for man, one giant stumble for mankind.
34598 One thing about the past.
34599 It's likely to last.
34602 ONE THING KIDS LIKE is to be tricked. For instance, I was going to take
34603 my little nephew to Disneyland, but instead I drove him to a burned-out
34604 warehouse. "Oh, oh," I said. "Disneyland burned down." He cried and
34605 cried, but I think that deep down he thought it was a pretty good joke.
34607 I started to drive over to the real Disneyland, but it was getting pretty
34609 -- Jack Handley, The New Mexican, 1988.
34611 One thing the inventors can't seem to
34612 get the bugs out of is fresh paint.
34614 One thing they don't tell you about doing experimental physics is that
34615 sometimes you must work under adverse conditions... like a state of sheer
34619 One thought driven home is better than three left on base.
34621 One time the police stopped me for speeding. They said, "Don't you know the
34622 speed limit is fifty-five miles an hour?" I said, "Yeah, I know, but I wasn't
34623 going to be out that long."
34626 One toke over the line, sweet Mary,
34627 One toke over the line,
34628 Sittin' downtown in a railway station,
34629 One toke over the line.
34630 Waitin' for the train that goes home,
34631 Hopin' that the train is on time,
34632 Sittin' downtown in a railway station,
34633 One toke over the line.
34635 One way to stop a run away horse is to bet on him.
34637 One, with God, is always a majority, but many a martyr has been burned at
34638 the stake while the votes were being counted.
34641 One would like to stroke and caress human beings, but one dares not do so,
34645 One-Shot Case Study, n:
34646 The scientific equivalent of the four-leaf clover, from which
34647 it is concluded all clovers possess four leaves and are sometimes green.
34650 The idea that a human being should always be accessible to a computer.
34652 Only a fool has no doubts.
34654 Only a mediocre person is always at his best.
34657 Only adults have difficulty with childproof caps.
34659 Only fools are quoted.
34662 Only God can make random selections.
34664 Only great masters of style can succeed in being obtuse.
34667 Most UNIX programmers are great masters of style.
34668 -- The Unnamed Usenetter
34670 Only Irish coffee provides in a single glass all four
34671 essential food groups -- alcohol, caffeine, sugar, and fat.
34674 [Oh come on, everybody knows that the four basic food groups are
34675 hot sugar, cold sugar, carbohydrates and grease. Ed.]
34677 Only kings, presidents, editors, and people with tapeworms have the right
34678 to use the editorial "we".
34680 Only someone with nothing to be sorry for
34681 smiles back at the rear of an elephant.
34683 Only that in you which is me can hear what I'm saying.
34686 Only the fittest survive. The vanquished acknowledge their unworthiness by
34687 placing a classified ad with the ritual phrase "must sell -- best offer,"
34688 and thereafter dwell in infamy, relegated to discussing gas mileage and lawn
34689 food. But if successful, you join the elite sodality that spends hours
34690 unpurifying the dialect of the tribe with arcane talk of bits and bytes, RAMS
34691 and ROMS, hard disks and baud rates. Are you obnoxious, obsessed? It's a
34692 modest price to pay. For you have tapped into the same awesome primal power
34693 that produces credit-card billing errors and lost plane reservations. Hail,
34694 postindustrial warrior, subduer of Bounceoids, pride of the cosmos, keeper of
34695 the silicone creed: Computo, ergo sum. The force is with you -- at 110 volts.
34696 May your RAMS be fruitful and multiply.
34697 -- Curt Suplee, "Smithsonian", 4/83
34699 Only the hypocrite is really rotten to the core.
34702 Only those who leisurely approach that which the masses are
34703 busy about can be busy about that which the masses take leisurely.
34706 Only two groups of people fall for flattery -- men and women.
34708 Only two kinds of witnesses exist. The first live in a neighborhood where
34709 a crime has been committed and in no circumstances have ever seen anything
34710 or even heard a shot. The second category are the neighbors of anyone who
34711 happens to be accused of the crime. These have always looked out of their
34712 windows when the shot was fired, and have noticed the accused person standing
34713 peacefully on his balcony a few yards away.
34714 -- Sicilian police officer
34716 Only two of my personalities are schizophrenic, but one
34717 of them is paranoid and the other one is out to get him.
34719 Only way to open lips of pigeon, sledgehammer.
34721 Ontogeny recapitulates phylogeny.
34723 Onward through the fog.
34725 Operator, please trace this call and tell me where I am.
34727 Opiates are the religion of the upper-middle classes.
34730 Opium is very cheap considering you don't
34731 feel like eating for the next six days.
34732 -- Taylor Mead, famous transvestite
34734 Oppernockity tunes but once.
34736 Opportunities are usually disguised as hard
34737 work, so most people don't recognize them.
34739 Oprah Winfrey has an incredible talent for getting the weirdest people to
34740 talk to. And you just HAVE to watch it. "Blind, masochistic minority,
34741 crippled, depressed, government latrine diggers, and the women who love
34742 them too much on the next Oprah Winfrey."
34744 Optimism is the content of small men in high places.
34745 -- F. Scott Fitzgerald, "The Crack Up"
34748 The belief that everything is beautiful, including what is ugly, good, bad,
34749 and everything right that is wrong. It is held with greatest tenacity by
34750 those accustomed to falling into adversity, and most acceptably expounded
34751 with the grin that apes a smile. Being a blind faith, it is inaccessible
34752 to the light of disproof -- an intellectual disorder, yielding to no treatment
34753 but death. It is hereditary, but not contagious.
34756 A proponent of the belief that black is white.
34758 A pessimist asked God for relief.
34759 "Ah, you wish me to restore your hope and cheerfulness," said God.
34760 "No," replied the petitioner, "I wish you to create something that
34761 would justify them."
34762 "The world is all created," said God, "but you have overlooked
34763 something -- the mortality of the optimist."
34764 -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
34767 Someone who goes down to the marriage
34768 bureau to see if his license has expired.
34771 A bagpiper with a beeper.
34773 Optimization hinders evolution.
34775 Or you or I must yield up his life to Ahrimanes. I would rather it were you.
34776 I should have no hesitation in sacrificing my own life to spare yours, but
34777 we take stock next week, and it would not be fair on the company.
34778 -- J. Wellington Wells
34780 Oral sex is like being attacked by a giant snail.
34783 Orcs really aren't so bad (if you use lots of catsup).
34785 Order and simplification are the first steps toward
34786 mastery of a subject -- the actual enemy is the unknown.
34790 Eighty billion gallons of water with
34791 no place to go on Saturday night.
34793 O'Reilly's Law of the Kitchen:
34794 Cleanliness is next to impossible
34798 Organic chemistry is the chemistry of carbon compounds.
34799 Biochemistry is the study of carbon compounds that crawl.
34802 Original thought is like original sin: both happened before you were born
34803 to people you could not have possibly met.
34804 -- Fran Lebowitz, "Social Studies"
34807 Variables won't; constants aren't.
34809 Other than that, Mrs. Lincoln, how did you like the play?
34812 The appetites they feed, but she makes hungry
34813 Where most she satisfies.
34814 -- Antony and Cleopatra
34816 Others can stop you temporarily, only you can do it permanently.
34818 Others will look to you for stability,
34819 so hide when you bite your nails.
34821 O'Toole's commentary on Murphy's Law:
34822 Murphy was an optimist.
34824 Ouch! That felt good!
34827 "Our attitude with TCP/IP is, `Hey, we'll do it, but don't make a big
34828 system, because we can't fix it if it breaks -- nobody can.'"
34830 "TCP/IP is OK if you've got a little informal club, and it doesn't make
34831 any difference if it takes a while to fix it."
34832 -- Ken Olson, in Digital News, 1988
34834 Our business in life is not to succeed
34835 but to continue to fail in high spirits.
34836 -- Robert Louis Stevenson
34838 Our congratulations go to a Burlington Vermont civilian employee of the
34839 local Army National Guard base. He recently received a substational cash
34840 award from our government for inventing a device for optical scanning.
34841 His device reportedly will save the government more than $6 million a year
34842 by replacing a more expensive helicopter maintenance tool with his own,
34843 home-made, hand-held model.
34845 Not surprisingly, we also have a couple of money-saving ideas that we submit
34846 to the Pentagon free of charge:
34848 a. Don't kill anybody.
34849 b. Don't build things that do.
34850 c. And don't pay other people to kill anybody.
34852 We expect annual savings to be in the billions.
34855 Our country has plenty of good five-cent cigars,
34856 but the trouble is they charge fifteen cents for them.
34858 Our documentation manager was showing her 2 year old son around the office.
34859 He was introduced to me, at which time he pointed out that we were both
34860 holding bags of popcorn. We were both holding bottles of juice. But only
34861 *he* had a lollipop.
34862 He asked his mother, "Why doesn't HE have a lollipop?"
34863 Her reply: "He can have a lollipop any time he wants to. That's
34864 what it means to be a programmer."
34866 Our government has kept us in a perpetual state of fear -- kept us in a
34867 continuous stampede of patriotic fervor -- with the cry of grave national
34868 emergency... Always there has been some terrible evil to gobble us up if we
34869 did not blindly rally behind it by furnishing the exorbitant sums demanded.
34870 Yet, in retrospect, these disasters seem never to have happened, seem never
34871 to have been quite real.
34872 -- General Douglas MacArthur, 1957
34874 Our houseplants have a good sense of humous.
34876 Our informal mission is to improve the love life of operators worldwide.
34877 -- Peter Behrendt, president of Exabyte
34879 Our little systems have their day;
34880 They have their day and cease to be;
34881 They are but broken lights of thee.
34884 Our OS who art in CPU, UNIX be thy name.
34885 Thy programs run, thy syscalls done,
34886 In kernel as it is in user.
34888 Our parents were of Midwestern stock and very strict. They didn't want us
34889 to grow up to be spoiled and rich. If we left our tennis racquets in the
34890 rain, we were punished.
34891 -- Nancy Ellis (George Bush's sister), in the New Republic
34893 Our policy is, when in doubt, do the right thing.
34894 -- Roy L. Ash, ex-president, Litton Industries
34896 Our problems are so serious that the best
34897 way to talk about them is lightheartedly.
34899 Our sires' age was worse that our grandsires'.
34900 We their sons are more worthless than they:
34901 so in our turn we shall give the world a progeny yet more corrupt.
34902 -- Quintus Horatius Flaccus (Horace)
34904 Our swords shall play the orators for us.
34905 -- Christopher Marlowe
34907 Our universe itself keeps on expanding and expanding,
34908 In all of the directions it can whiz;
34909 As fast as it can go, that's the speed of light, you know,
34910 Twelve million miles a minute and that's the fastest speed there is.
34911 So remember, when you're feeling very small and insecure,
34912 How amazingly unlikely is your birth;
34913 And pray that there's intelligent life somewhere out in space,
34914 'Cause there's bugger all down here on Earth!
34917 Ours is a world of nuclear giants and ethical infants.
34918 -- General Omar N. Bradley
34920 Ours is a world where people don't know what they
34921 want and are willing to go through hell to get it.
34923 Out of sight is out of mind.
34926 Out of the crooked timber of humanity no straight thing can ever be made.
34929 Out of the mouths of babes does often come cereal.
34931 Outside of a dog, a book is a man's best friend. Inside a dog it's too
34934 Outside of a dog, a book is man's best friend. Inside of a dog, it is too
34938 Outside of a dog, a book is man's best friend. Inside of a dog, it's too
34942 Over the shoulder supervision is more a
34943 need of the manager than the programming task.
34945 Overall, the philosophy is to attack the availability problem from two
34946 complementary directions: to reduce the number of software errors through
34947 rigorous testing of running systems, and to reduce the effect of the remaining
34948 errors by providing for recovery from them. An interesting footnote to this
34949 design is that now a system failure can usually be considered to be the
34950 result of two program errors: the first, in the program that started the
34951 problem; the second, in the recovery routine that could not protect the
34953 -- A.L. Scherr, "Functional Structure of IBM Virtual Storage
34954 Operating Systems, Part II: OS/VS-2 Concepts and
34955 Philosophies," IBM Systems Journal, Vol. 12, No. 4.
34957 Overconfidence breeds error when we take for granted that the game will
34958 continue on its normal course; when we fail to provide for an unusually
34959 powerful resource -- a check, a sacrifice, a stalemate. Afterwards the
34960 victim may wail, `But who could have dreamt of such an idiotic-looking
34962 -- Fred Reinfeld, "The Complete Chess Course"
34964 Overdrawn? But I still have checks left!
34966 Overflow on /dev/null, please empty the bit bucket.
34969 "How do I feel? Great! And I kiss pretty good, too!"
34971 Overload -- core meltdown sequence initiated.
34973 Owe no man any thing...
34976 Oxygen is a very toxic gas and an extreme fire hazard. It is fatal in
34977 concentrations of as little as 0.000001 p.p.m. Humans exposed to the
34978 oxygen concentrations die within a few minutes. Symptoms resemble very
34979 much those of cyanide poisoning (blue face, etc.). In higher
34980 concentrations, e.g. 20%, the toxic effect is somewhat delayed and it
34981 takes about 2.5 billion inhalations before death takes place. The reason
34982 for the delay is the difference in the mechanism of the toxic effect of
34983 oxygen in 20% concentration. It apparently contributes to a complex
34984 process called aging, of which very little is known, except that it is
34987 However, the main disadvantage of the 20% oxygen concentration is in the
34988 fact it is habit forming. The first inhalation (occurring at birth) is
34989 sufficient to make oxygen addiction permanent. After that, any
34990 considerable decrease in the daily oxygen doses results in death with
34991 symptoms resembling those of cyanide poisoning.
34993 Oxygen is an extreme fire hazard. All of the fires that were reported in
34994 the continental U.S. for the period of the past 25 years were found to be
34995 due to the presence of this gas in the atmosphere surrounding the buildings
34998 Oxygen is especially dangerous because it is odorless, colorless and
34999 tasteless, so that its presence can not be readily detected until it is
35001 -- Chemical & Engineering News February 6, 1956
35004 (1) If someone says he will do something "without fail," he won't.
35005 (2) The more people talk on the phone, the less money they make.
35006 (3) People who go to conferences are the ones who shouldn't.
35007 (4) Pizza always burns the roof of your mouth.
35009 paak, n: A stadium or inclosed playing field. To put or leave (a
35010 a vehicle) for a time in a certain location.
35011 patato, n: The starchy, edible tuber of a widely cultivated plant.
35012 Septemba, n: The 9th month of the year.
35013 shua, n: Having no doubt; certain.
35014 sista, n: A female having the same mother and father as the speaker.
35015 tamato, n: A fleshy, smooth-skinned reddish fruit eaten in salads
35017 troopa, n: A state policeman.
35018 Wista, n: A city in central Masschewsetts.
35019 yaad, n: A tract of ground adjacent to a building.
35020 -- Massachewsetts Unabridged Dictionary
35023 Falling out of a twenty story building,
35024 and snagging your eyelid on a nail.
35027 One thing, at least it proves that you're alive!
35030 Sliding down a 50-foot razor blade into a bucket of alcohol.
35032 Pain is just God's way of hurting you.
35035 Never open a box you didn't close.
35037 panic: can't find /
35039 panic: kernel segmentation violation. core dumped (only kidding)
35043 2 dashes == 1smidgen
35044 2 smidgens == 1 pinch
35045 3 pinches == 1 soupcon
35046 2 soupcons == too much paprika
35048 Paralysis through analysis.
35051 A healthy understanding of the way the universe works.
35053 Paranoia doesn't mean the whole world isn't out to get you.
35055 Paranoia is heightened awareness.
35057 Paranoia is simply an optimistic outlook on life.
35059 Paranoid Club meeting this Friday.
35060 Now ... just try to find out where!
35062 Paranoids are people, too; they have their own problems. It's easy
35063 to criticize, but if everybody hated you, you'd be paranoid too.
35066 Pardon me while I laugh.
35068 Parents often talk about the younger generation as if they
35069 didn't have much of anything to do with it.
35071 Parkinson's Fifth Law:
35072 If there is a way to delay in important decision, the good
35073 bureaucracy, public or private, will find it.
35075 Parkinson's Fourth Law:
35076 The number of people in any working group tends to increase
35077 regardless of the amount of work to be done.
35079 Parsley is gharsley.
35082 Parts that positively cannot be assembled in improper order will be.
35085 A gathering where you meet people who drink
35086 so much you can't even remember their names.
35089 A programming language named after a man who would turn over
35090 in his grave if he knew about it.
35091 -- Datamation, January 15, 1984
35094 A programming language named after a man who would turn over in his
35095 grave if he knew about it.
35097 Pascal is a language for children wanting to be naughty.
35098 -- Dr. Kasi Ananthanarayanan
35100 Pascal is not a high-level language.
35104 The Pascal system will be replaced next Tuesday by Cobol.
35105 Please modify your programs accordingly.
35108 To show respect for the 313th anniversary (tomorrow) of the
35109 death of Blaise Pascal, your programs will be run at half speed.
35111 Passionate hatred can give meaning and purpose to an empty life.
35116 Passwords are implemented as a result of insecurity.
35118 Paster Crosstalk: What items are specifically mentioned by GOD as being
35119 unclean? Now did you know... preying birds... praying mantises...
35120 All birds of prey, all carrion eaters, fish eaters -- no good, can't
35121 eat those. Nothing that does not have both fins and scales. Most
35123 Alvarado: How 'bout caterpillars?
35124 P: A caterpillar doesn't have a backbone. Nothing without a backbone
35126 A: How do you know? You char a caterpillar, it gets real stiff!
35127 P: Well, I don't think that the Lord meant us to eat CHARRED
35130 P: The hog, the squirrel... little squirrels. Who would want to eat
35132 A: If you're starving. If you're starving in the park one day.
35133 P: You'd probably just CHAR 'em to get 'em stiff, wouldn't ya?
35134 A: No, you SINGE 'em. You SINGE 'em and eat 'em. *I* read about the
35135 Donner Pass, I know what man does when he's hungry.
35136 P: Squirrels eating squirrels -- my GOD, that's sick!
35137 A: That's sick, SURE. But a MAN eating a squirrel -- that's (heh, heh)
35138 par for the course, Charlie.
35139 -- Firesign Theatre
35141 Patch griefs with proverbs.
35142 -- William Shakespeare, "Much Ado About Nothing"
35145 A method of publicizing inventions so others can copy them.
35147 "Pathetic," he said. "That's what it is. Pathetic."
35149 "As I thought," he said, "no better from *this* side."
35152 Patience is a minor form of despair, disguised as virtue.
35153 -- Ambrose Bierce, on qualifiers
35155 Patience is the best remedy for every trouble.
35156 -- Titus Maccius Plautus
35158 Patriotism is the last refuge of a scoundrel.
35159 -- S. Johnson, "The Life of Samuel Johnson" by J. Boswell
35161 In Dr. Johnson's famous dictionary patriotism is defined as the last
35162 resort of the scoundrel. With all due respect to an enlightened but
35163 inferior lexicographer I beg to submit that it is the first.
35166 When Dr. Johnson defined patriotism as the last refuge of a scoundrel,
35167 he ignored the enormous possibilities of the word reform.
35168 -- Sen. Roscoe Conkling
35170 Public office is the last refuge of a scoundrel.
35173 Patriotism is the virtue of the vicious.
35176 Pauca sed matura. (Few but excellent.)
35179 Paul Revere was a tattle-tale.
35182 In America, it's not how much an
35183 item costs, it's how much you save.
35186 You can't fall off the floor.
35188 Pause for storage relocation.
35191 The weekly $5.27 that remains after deductions for federal
35192 withholding, state withholding, city withholding, FICA,
35193 medical/dental, long-term disability, unemployment insurance,
35194 Christmas Club, and payroll savings plan contributions.
35204 up your ides under brown-
35211 Peace be to this house, and all that dwell in it.
35213 Peace cannot be kept by force; it
35214 can only be achieved by understanding.
35217 Peace is much more precious than a piece
35218 of land... let there be no more wars.
35219 -- Mohammed Anwar Sadat, 1918-1981
35222 In international affairs, a period of cheating between two
35223 periods of fighting.
35228 4 cups sugar 16 tbsp. milk
35229 4 cups brown sugar 4 tsp. vanilla
35230 4 cups shortening 14 cups flour
35232 4 cups peanut butter 4 tsp. salt
35234 Shape dough into balls. Roll in sugar and bake on ungreased
35235 cookie sheet at 375 F. for 10-12 minutes. Immediately top
35236 each cookie with a Hershey's kiss or star pressing down firmly
35237 to crack cookie. Makes a hell of a lot.
35239 Pecor's Health-Food Principle:
35240 Never eat rutabaga on any day of
35241 the week that has a "y" in it.
35244 A car with only one working headlight.
35245 -- "Sniglets", Rich Hall & Friends
35247 Pedro Guerrero was playing third base for the Los Angeles Dodgers in 1984
35248 when he made the comment that earns him a place in my Hall of Fame. Second
35249 baseman Steve Sax was having trouble making his throws. Other players were
35250 diving, screaming, signaling for a fair catch. At the same time, Guerrero,
35251 at third, was making a few plays that weren't exactly soothing to manager
35252 Tom Lasorda's stomach. Lasorda decided it was time for one of his famous
35253 motivational meetings and zeroed in on Guerrero: "How can you play third
35254 base like that? You've gotta be thinking about something besides baseball.
35256 "I'm only thinking about two things," Guerrero said. "First, `I
35257 hope they don't hit the ball to me.'" The players snickered, and even
35258 Lasorda had to fight off a laugh. "Second, `I hope they don't hit the ball
35260 -- Joe Garagiola, "It's Anybody's Ball Game"
35266 The solution to a problem changes the nature of the problem.
35269 "I will never understand people."
35270 "There's nothing to it. All you have to do is take a close look
35271 at yourself and you will understand everyone else. How would Seldon have
35272 worked out his Plan -- and I don't care how subtle his mathematics was --
35273 if he didn't understand people; and how could he have done that if people
35274 weren't easy to understand? You show me someone who can't understand
35275 people and I'll show you someone who has built up a false image of himself
35276 -- no offense intended."
35277 -- Asimov, "Foundation's Edge"
35279 Penguin Trivia #46:
35280 Animals who are not penguins can only wish they were.
35285 A federally insured chain letter.
35287 People (a group that in my opinion has always attracted an undue amount of
35288 attention) have often been likened to snowflakes. This analogy is meant to
35289 suggest that each is unique -- no two alike. This is quite patently not the
35290 case. People ... are simply a dime a dozen. And, I hasten to add, their
35291 only similarity to snowflakes resides in their invariable and lamentable
35292 tendency to turn, after a few warm days, to slush.
35293 -- Fran Lebowitz, "Social Studies"
35295 People are always available for work in the past tense.
35297 People are beginning to notice you.
35298 Try dressing before you leave the house.
35300 People are like onions -- you cut them up, and they make you cry.
35302 People are unconditionally guaranteed to be full of defects.
35304 People don't change; they only become more so.
35306 People don't make the same mistake twice -- they make it three times,
35309 People don't usually make the same mistake twice -- they make it three
35310 times, four time, five times...
35312 People in general do not willingly read
35313 if they have anything else to amuse them.
35316 People love high ideals, but they got to be about 33-percent plausible.
35317 -- The Best of Will Rogers
35319 People never lie so much as after a hunt, during a war, or before an
35321 -- Otto von Bismarck
35323 People of privilege will always risk their complete destruction
35324 rather than surrender any material part of their advantage.
35325 -- John Kenneth Galbraith
35327 People often find it easier to be a
35328 result of the past than a cause of the future.
35330 People respond to people who respond.
35332 People say I live in my own little fantasy world... well, at least they
35336 People seem to enjoy things more when they know a lot of other people
35337 have been left out on the pleasure.
35340 People seem to think that the blanket phrase, "I only work here,"
35341 absolves them utterly from any moral obligation in terms of the
35342 public -- but this was precisely Eichmann's excuse for his job in
35343 the concentration camps.
35345 People tend to make rules for others and exceptions for themselves.
35347 People that can't find something to live for always seem to find something
35348 to die for. The problem is, they usually want the rest of us to die for
35351 People think love is an emotion. Love is good sense.
35354 People usually get what's coming to them -- unless it's been mailed.
35356 People who are funny and smart and return phone calls get
35357 much better press than people who are just funny and smart.
35358 -- Howard Simons, "The Washington Post"
35360 People who claim they don't let little things bother
35361 them have never slept in a room with a single mosquito.
35363 People who fight fire with fire usually end up with ashes.
35364 -- Abigail Van Buren
35366 People who go to conferences are the ones who shouldn't.
35368 People who have no faults are terrible;
35369 there is no way of taking advantage of them.
35371 People who have what they want are very fond of telling
35372 people who haven't what they want that they don't want it.
35375 People who make no mistakes do not usually make anything.
35377 People who push both buttons should get their wish.
35379 People who take cat naps don't usually sleep in a cat's cradle.
35381 People who take cold baths never have rheumatism, but they have
35384 People who think they know everything
35385 greatly annoy those of us who do.
35387 People will accept your ideas much more readily if
35388 you tell them that Benjamin Franklin said it first.
35390 People will buy anything that's one to a customer.
35392 People with narrow minds usually have broad tongues.
35394 People's Action Rules:
35395 (1) Some people who can, shouldn't.
35396 (2) Some people who should, won't.
35397 (3) Some people who shouldn't, will.
35398 (4) Some people who can't, will try, regardless.
35399 (5) Some people who shouldn't, but try, will then blame others.
35401 Per buck you get more computing action with the small computer.
35404 Pereant, inquit, qui ante nos nostra dixerunt.
35405 [Confound those who have said our remarks before us.]
35407 [May they perish who have expressed our bright ideas before us.]
35410 Perfect day for scrubbing the floor and other exciting things.
35413 One who makes his host feel at home.
35415 Perfection is finally attained, not when there is no longer
35416 anything to add, but when there is no longer anything to take away.
35417 -- Antoine de Saint-Exupery
35419 Perfection is reached, not when there is no longer anything
35420 to add, but when there is no longer anything to take away.
35421 -- Antoine de Saint-Exupery
35424 A statement of the speed at which a computer system works. Or
35425 rather, might work under certain circumstances. Or was rumored
35426 to be working over in Jersey about a month ago.
35428 Perhaps, after all, America never has been discovered.
35429 I myself would say that it had merely been detected.
35432 Perhaps no person can be a poet, or even enjoy
35433 poetry without a certain unsoundness of mind.
35436 Perhaps the biggest disappointments were the ones you expected anyway.
35438 Perhaps the most widespread illusion is that if we were in power we would
35439 behave very differently from those who now hold it -- when, in truth, in
35440 order to get power we would have to become very much like them. (Lenin's
35441 fatal mistake, both in theory and in practice.)
35443 Perhaps the world's second words crime is boredom. The first is
35447 Perilous to all of us are the devices of
35448 an art deeper than we ourselves possess.
35449 -- Gandalf the Grey
35451 Periphrasis is the putting of things in a round-about way. "The cost may be
35452 upwards of a figure rather below 10m#." is a periphrasis for The cost may be
35453 nearly 10m#. "In Paris there reigns a complete absence of really reliable
35454 news" is a periphrasis for There is no reliable news in Paris. "Rarely does
35455 the 'Little Summer' linger until November, but at times its stay has been
35456 prolonged until quite late in the year's penultimate month" contains a
35457 periphrasis for November, and another for lingers. "The answer is in the
35458 negative" is a periphrasis for No. "Was made the recipient of" is a
35459 periphrasis for Was presented with. The periphrasis style is hardly possible
35460 on any considerable scale without much use of abstract nouns such as "basis,
35461 case, character, connexion, dearth, description, duration, framework, lack,
35462 nature, reference, regard, respect". The existence of abstract nouns is a
35463 proof that abstract thought has occurred; abstract thought is a mark of
35464 civilized man; and so it has come about that periphrasis and civilization are
35465 by many held to be inseparable. These good people feel that there is an almost
35466 indecent nakedness, a reversion to barbarism, in saying No news is good news
35467 instead of "The absence of intelligence is an indication of satisfactory
35469 -- Fowler's English Usage
35471 Persistence in one opinion has never been considered
35472 a merit in political leaders.
35473 -- Marcus Tullius Cicero, "Ad familiares", 1st century BC
35475 Personifiers of the world, unite!
35476 You have nothing to lose but Mr. Dignity!
35477 -- Bernadette Bosky
35479 Personifiers Unite! You have nothing to lose but Mr. Dignity!
35481 Persons attempting to find a motive in this narrative will be prosecuted;
35482 persons attempting to find a moral in it will be banished; persons attempting
35483 to find a plot in it will be shot. By Order of the Author
35484 -- Mark Twain, "Tom Sawyer"
35487 A man who spends all his time worrying about how he can keep the
35488 wolf from the door.
35491 A man who refuses to see the wolf until he seizes the seat of
35495 A man who invites the wolf in and appears the next day in a fur coat.
35497 Pete: Waiter, this meat is bad.
35498 Waiter: Who told you?
35499 Pete: A little swallow.
35501 Peter's hungry, time to eat lunch.
35503 Peter's Law of Substitution:
35504 Look after the molehills, and the
35505 mountains will look after themselves.
35507 Peter's Principle of Success:
35508 Get up one time more than you're knocked down.
35511 In every hierarchy, each employee tends to rise to the level of
35514 Peterson's Admonition:
35515 When you think you're going down for the third time --
35516 just remember that you may have counted wrong.
35519 (1) Trucks that overturn on freeways
35520 are filled with something sticky.
35521 (2) No cute baby in a carriage is ever a girl when called one.
35522 (3) Things that tick are not always clocks.
35523 (4) Suicide only works when you're bluffing.
35526 Any sun-bleached prehistoric candy that has been sitting in
35527 the window of a vending machine too long.
35528 -- Rich Hall, "Sniglets"
35530 Phasers locked on target, Captain.
35532 Philadelphia is not dull -- it just seems so
35533 because it is next to exciting Camden, New Jersy.
35535 Philogyny recapitulates erogeny; erogeny recapitulates philogyny.
35538 The ability to bear with calmness the misfortunes of our friends.
35541 Unintelligible answers to insoluble problems.
35543 Phone call for chucky-pooh.
35546 To flick a bulb on and off when it burns out (as if, somehow, that
35547 will bring it back to life).
35548 -- "Sniglets", Rich Hall & Friends
35550 Photographing a volcano is just about
35551 the most miserable thing you can do.
35552 -- Robert B. Goodman
35553 [Who has clearly never tried to use a PDP-10. Ed.]
35555 Physically there is nothing to distinguish human society from the
35556 farm-yard except that children are more troublesome and costly than
35557 chickens and women are not so completely enslaved as farm stock.
35558 -- George Bernard Shaw, "Getting Married"
35560 Picking up the pieces of my sweet shattered dream,
35561 I wonder how the old folks are tonight,
35562 Her name was Ann, and I'll be damned if I recall her face,
35563 She left me not knowing what to do.
35565 Carefree Highway, let me slip away on you,
35566 Carefree Highway, you seen better days,
35567 The morning after blues, from my head down to my shoes,
35568 Carefree Highway, let me slip away, slip away, on you...
35570 Turning back the pages to the times I love best,
35571 I wonder if she'll ever do the same,
35572 Now the thing that I call livin' is just bein' satisfied,
35573 With knowing I got noone left to blame.
35574 Carefree Highway, I got to see you, my old flame...
35576 Searching through the fragments of my dream shattered sleep,
35577 I wonder if the years have closed her mind,
35578 I guess it must be wanderlust or tryin' to get free,
35579 From the good old faithful feelin' we once knew.
35580 -- Gordon Lightfoot, "Carefree Highway"
35583 If Congress must do a painful thing,
35584 the thing must be done in an odd-number year.
35586 Piddle, twiddle, and resolve,
35587 Not one damn thing do we solve.
35590 Pie are not square. Pie are round. Cornbread are square.
35596 An animal (Porcus omnivorous) closely allied to the human race by
35597 the splendor and vivacity of its appetite, which, however, is
35598 inferior in scope, for it balks at pig.
35601 Pilfering Treasure property is particularly dangerous: big thieves are
35602 ruthless in punishing little thieves.
35605 Pilots should avoid using illegal drugs.
35606 -- AOPA's Pilot's Handbook, 1988
35608 Piping down the valleys wild,
35609 Piping songs of pleasant glee,
35610 On a cloud I saw a child,
35611 And he laughing said to me:
35612 "Pipe a song about a Lamb!"
35613 So I piped with merry cheer.
35614 "Piper, pipe that song again;"
35615 So I piped: he wept to hear.
35616 -- William Blake, "Songs of Innocence"
35618 Pipo was born with few complications, but then the doctor accidentally dropped
35619 the infant on her head provoking her drunken father to drag the physician
35620 outside where he would beat him to death with a live ocelot.
35621 -- Love and Rockets
35623 PISCES (Feb. 19 - Mar. 20)
35624 You have a vivid imagination and often think you are being followed
35625 by the CIA or FBI. You have minor influence over your associates
35626 and people resent your flaunting of your power. You lack confidence
35627 and you are generally a coward. Pisces people do terrible things to
35630 PISCES (Feb. 19 to Mar. 20)
35631 Take the high road, look for the good things, carry the American
35632 Express card and a weapon. The world is yours today, as nobody
35633 else wants it. Your mortgage will be foreclosed. You will probably
35634 get run over by a bus.
35636 PISCES (Feb.19 - Mar.20)
35637 You will get some very interesting news of a promotion today.
35638 It will go to someone in the office you dislike and will be the
35639 job you wanted. Don't lend anyone a car today. You don't have
35643 A mischievous, magical spirit associated with screen displays.
35644 The computer industry has frequently borrowed from mythology:
35645 Witness the sprites in computer graphics, the demons in artificial
35646 intelligence, and the trolls in the marketing department.
35650 PL/1, "the fatal disease", belongs more
35651 to the problem set than to the solution set.
35652 -- Edsger W. Dijkstra
35654 Plagiarize, plagiarize,
35655 Let no man's work evade your eyes,
35656 Remember why the good Lord made your eyes,
35657 Don't shade your eyes,
35658 But plagiarize, plagiarize, plagiarize.
35659 Only be sure to call it research.
35662 Planet Claire has pink hair.
35663 All the trees are red.
35664 No one ever dies there.
35665 No one has a head....
35667 Plastic... Aluminum... These are the inheritors of the Universe!
35668 Flesh and Blood have had their day... and that day is past!
35669 -- Green Lantern Comics
35671 Plato, by the way, wanted to banish all poets from his proposed Utopia
35672 because they were liars. The truth was that Plato knew philosophers
35673 couldn't compete successfully with poets.
35674 -- Kilgore Trout, "Venus on the Half Shell"
35676 PLATONIC FRIENDSHIP:
35677 What develops when two people get
35678 tired of making love to each other.
35680 Please do not look directly into laser with remaining eye.
35682 Please don't put a strain on our friendship
35683 by asking me to do something for you.
35685 Please don't recommend me to your friends--
35686 it's difficult enough to cope with you alone.
35688 PLEASE DON'T SMOKE HERE!
35690 Penalty: An early, lingering death from cancer,
35691 emphysema, or other smoking-caused ailment.
35693 Please forgive me if, in the heat of battle,
35694 I sometimes forget which side I'm on.
35698 Please help keep the world clean: others may wish to use it.
35700 Please ignore previous fortune.
35702 Please keep your hands off the secretary's reproducing equipment.
35704 Please, Mother! I'd rather do it myself!
35706 Please remain calm, it's no use both of
35707 us being hysterical at the same time.
35709 Please stand for the Nation Anthem:
35712 Our home and native land
35714 In all thy sons' command
35715 With glowing hearts we see thee rise
35716 The true north strong and free
35717 From far and wide, O Canada
35718 We stand on guard for thee
35719 God keep our land glorious and free
35720 O Canada we stand on guard for thee
35721 O Canada we stand on guard for thee
35723 Thank you. You may resume your seat.
35725 Please stand for the National Anthem:
35727 Australian's all, let us rejoice,
35728 For we are young and free.
35729 We've golden soil and wealth for toil
35730 Our home is girt by sea.
35731 Our land abounds in nature's gifts
35732 Of beauty rich and rare.
35733 In history's page, let every stage
35734 Advance Australia Fair.
35735 In joyful strains then let us sing,
35736 Advance Australia Fair.
35738 Thank you. You may resume your seat.
35740 Please stand for the National Anthem:
35742 God save our Gracious Queen!
35743 Long live our Noble Queen!
35744 God save the Queen!
35745 Send her victorious,
35746 Happy and glorious,
35747 Long to reign o'er us!
35748 God save the Queen!
35750 Thank you. You may resume your seat.
35752 Please stand for the National Anthem:
35754 Oh, say can you see by dawn's early light
35755 What so proudly we hailed at the twilight's last gleaming?
35756 Whose broad stripes and bright stars through the perilous fight
35757 O'er the ramparts we watched were so gallantly streaming?
35758 And the rockets' red glare, the bombs bursting in air,
35759 Gave proof through the night that our flag was still there.
35760 Oh, say does that star-spangled banner yet wave
35761 O'er the land of the free and the home of the brave?
35763 Thank you. You may resume your seat.
35767 Please try to limit the amount of "this room doesn't have any bazingas"
35768 until you are told that those rooms are "punched out." Once punched out,
35769 we have a right to complain about atrocities, missing bazingas, and such.
35772 Please, won't somebody tell me what diddie-wa-diddie means?
35774 PL/I -- "the fatal disease" -- belongs more to the problem set than to the
35776 -- Edsger W. Dijkstra, SIGPLAN Notices, Volume 17, Number 5
35778 Plots are like girdles. Hidden, they hold your interest; revealed, they're
35779 of no interest except to fetishists. Like girdles, they attempt to contain
35780 an uncontainable experience.
35785 Plus ca change, plus c'est le meme chose.
35788 Nothing is so good that somebody, somewhere, will not hate it.
35790 poisoned coffee, n:
35791 Grounds for divorce.
35793 Poland has gun control.
35795 Political history is far too criminal a subject to be a fit thing to
35799 Political speeches are like steer horns. A point
35800 here, a point there, and a lot of bull inbetween.
35801 -- Alfred E. Neuman
35803 Political television commercials prove one thing: some candidates
35804 can tell all their good points and qualifications in just 30 seconds.
35807 From the Greek 'poly' ("many") and the French 'tete' ("head" or
35808 "face," as in 'tete-a-tete': head to head or face to face).
35809 Hence 'polytetien', a person of two or more faces.
35812 Politicians are the same everywhere. They promise
35813 to build a bridge even where there is no river.
35814 -- Nikita Khrushchev
35816 Politicians should read science fiction, not westerns and detective stories.
35817 -- Arthur C. Clarke
35819 Politicians speak for their parties, and parties never are, never have
35820 been, and never will be wrong.
35823 Politics -- the gentle art of getting votes from the poor and campaign
35824 funds from the rich by promising to protect each from the other.
35827 Politics and the fate of mankind are formed by men without ideals and
35828 without greatness. Those who have greatness within them do not go in
35832 Politics are almost as exciting as war, and quite as
35833 dangerous. In war, you can only be killed once.
35834 -- Winston Churchill
35836 Politics, as a practice, whatever its professions, has always been the
35837 systematic organisation of hatreds.
35838 -- Henry Adams, "The Education of Henry Adams"
35840 Politics is like coaching a football team. You have to be smart
35841 enough to understand the game but not smart enough to lose interest.
35843 Politics is not the art of the possible. It consists in choosing
35844 between the disastrous and the unpalatable.
35845 -- John Kenneth Galbraith
35847 Politics is supposed to be the second oldest profession. I have come to
35848 realize that it bears a very close resemblance to the first.
35851 Politics is the ability to foretell what is going to happen tomorrow, next
35852 week, next month and next year. And to have the ability afterwards to
35853 explain why it didn't happen.
35854 -- Winston Churchill
35856 Politics, like religion, hold up the
35857 torches of martyrdom to the reformers of error.
35858 -- Thomas Jefferson
35860 Politics makes strange bedfellows, and journalism makes strange politics.
35864 A strife of interests masquerading as a contest of principles.
35865 The conduct of public affairs for private advantage.
35868 Pollyanna's Educational Constant:
35869 The hyperactive child is never absent.
35874 Polymer physicists are into chains.
35877 When you pull a plastic garbage bag from its handy dispenser
35878 package, you always get hold of the closed end and try to
35881 Pope Goestheveezl was the shortest reigning pope in the history of the
35882 Church, reigning for two hours and six minutes on 1 April 1866. The white
35883 smoke had hardly faded into the blue of the Vatican skies before it dawned
35884 on the assembled multitudes in St. Peter's Square that his name had hilarious
35885 possibilities. The crowds fell about, helpless with laughter, singing
35887 Half a pound of tuppenny rice
35888 Half a pound of treacle
35889 That's the way the chimney smokes
35892 The square was finally cleared by armed carabineri with tears of laughter
35893 streaming down their faces. The event set a record for hilarious civic
35894 functions, smashing the previous record set when Baron Hans Neizant
35895 Bompzidaize was elected Landburgher of Koln in 1653.
35896 -- Mike Harding, "The Armchair Anarchist's Almanac"
35898 Populus vult decipi.
35899 [The people like to be deceived.]
35901 Porsche; there simply is no substitute.
35905 Being mistaken at the top of your voice.
35907 Possessions increase to fill the space available for their storage.
35910 Post proelium, praemium.
35911 [After the battle, the reward.]
35913 Postmen never die, they just lose their zip.
35915 Potahto' Pictures Productions Presents:
35917 SPUD ROGERS OF THE 25TH CENTURY: Story of an Air Force potato that's
35918 left in a rarely used chow hall for over two centuries and wakes up in a world
35919 populated by soybean created imitations under the evil Dick Tater. Thanks to
35920 him, the soy-potatoes learn that being a 'tater is where it's at. Memorable
35921 line, "'Cause I'm just a stud spud!"
35923 FRIDAY THE 13TH DINER SERIES: Crazed potato who was left in a
35924 fryer too long and was charbroiled carelessly returns to wreak havoc on
35925 unsuspecting, would-be teen camp cooks. Scenes include a girl being stuffed
35926 with chives and Fleischman's Margarine and a boy served up on a side dish
35927 with beets and dressing. Definitely not for the squeamish, or those on
35928 diets that are driving them crazy.
35930 FRIDAY THE 13TH DINER II,III,IV,V,VI: Much, much more of the same.
35931 Except with sour cream.
35933 Potahto' Pictures Productions Presents:
35935 THE TATERNATOR: Cyborg spud returns from the future to present-day
35936 McDonald's restaurant to kill the potatoess (girl 'tater) who will give birth
35937 to the world's largest french fry (The Dark Powers of Burger King are clearly
35938 behind this). Most quotable line: "Ah'll be baked..."
35940 A FISTFUL OF FRIES: Western in which our hero, The Spud with No Name,
35941 rides into a town that's deprived of carbohydrates thanks to the evil takeover
35942 of the low-cal Scallopinni Brothers. Plenty of smokeouts, fry-em-ups, and
35943 general butter-melting by all.
35945 FOR A FEW FRIES MORE: Takes up where AFOF left off! Cameo by Walter
35946 Cronkite, as every man's common 'tater!
35949 An unfortunate state that persists as long
35950 as anyone lacks anything he would like to have.
35952 Poverty begins at home.
35954 Poverty must have its satisfactions, else there would not be so many
35959 The only narcotic regulated by the SEC instead of the FDA.
35961 Power corrupts. Absolute power is kind of neat.
35962 -- John Lehman, Secretary of the Navy, 1981-1987
35966 Power is the finest token of affection.
35968 Power, like a desolating pestilence,
35969 Pollutes whate'er it touches...
35970 -- Percy Bysshe Shelley
35972 Power tends to corrupt, absolute power corrupts absolutely.
35975 PPRB -- Pillage, plunder, rape and burn.
35977 Practical people would be more practical if
35978 they would take a little more time for dreaming.
35981 Practical politics consists in ignoring facts.
35984 Practically perfect people never permit
35985 sentiment to muddle their thinking.
35988 Practice is the best of all instructors.
35991 Practice yourself what you preach.
35992 -- Titus Maccius Plautus
35995 Vast plains covered by treeless forests.
35997 Praise the Lord and pass the ammunition.
35998 -- Stephen Coonts, "The Minotaur"
36000 Praise the sea; on shore remain.
36004 To ask that the laws of the universe be annulled on behalf
36005 of a single petitioner confessedly unworthy.
36008 Pray to God, but keep rowing to shore.
36011 Predestination was doomed from the start.
36013 Prediction is very difficult, especially of the future.
36017 A vagrant opinion without visible means of support.
36020 Premature optimization is the root of all evil.
36023 Preserve the old, but know the new.
36025 Preserve wildlife -- pickle a squirrel today!
36027 Preserve Wildlife! Throw a party today!
36029 President Reagan has noted that there are too many economic
36030 pundits and forecasters and has decided on an excess prophets tax.
36032 President Thieu says he'll quit if he doesn't get more than 50%
36033 of the vote. In a democracy, that's not called quitting.
36034 -- The Washington Post
36036 Pretend to spank me -- I'm a pseudo-masochist!
36038 Preudhomme's Law of Window Cleaning:
36039 It's on the other side.
36042 It's all a game -- play it to have fun.
36044 [Prime Minister Joseph] Chamberlain loves
36045 the working man, he loves to see him work.
36046 -- Winston Churchill
36048 [Prime Minister MacDonald] has the gift of compressing the
36049 largest amount of words into the smallest amount of thought.
36050 -- Winston Churchill
36052 Prince Hamlet thought Uncle a traitor
36053 For having it off with his Mater;
36054 Revenge Dad or not?
36055 That's the gist of the plot,
36056 And he did -- nine soliloquies later.
36057 -- Stanley J. Sharpless
36059 Princeton's taste is sweet like a strawberry tart. Harvard's is a subtle
36060 taste, like whiskey, coffee, or tobacco. It may even be a bad habit, for
36062 -- Prof. J.H. Finley '25
36065 A statement of the importance of a user or a program. Often
36066 expressed as a relative priority, indicating that the user doesn't
36067 care when the work is completed so long as he is treated less
36068 badly than someone else.
36070 Prisons are built with stones of Law, brothels with bricks of Religion.
36073 Prizes are for children.
36075 upon being given, but refusing, the Pulitzer prize
36077 Pro is to con as progress is to Congress.
36079 Probable-Possible, my black hen,
36080 She lays eggs in the Relative When.
36081 She doesn't lay eggs in the Positive Now
36082 Because she's unable to postulate How.
36083 -- Frederick Winsor
36086 A man who never buys.
36088 Producers seem to be so prejudiced against actors who've had no training.
36089 And there's no reason for it. So what if I didn't attend the Royal Academy
36090 for twelve years? I'm still a professional trying to be the best actress
36091 I can. Why doesn't anyone send me the scripts that Faye Dunaway gets?
36092 -- Farrah Fawcett-Majors
36094 Profanity is the one language all programmers know best.
36096 Professor Gorden Newell threw another shutout in last week's Chem Eng. 130
36097 midterm. Once again a student did not receive a single point on his exam.
36098 Newell has now tossed 5 shutouts this quarter. Newell's earned exam average
36099 has now dropped to a phenomenal 30%.
36102 Any task that can't be completed in one telephone call or one
36103 day. Once a task is defined as a program ("training program,"
36104 "sales program," or "marketing program"), its implementation
36105 always justifies hiring at least three more people.
36108 A magic spell cast over a computer allowing it to turn one's input
36109 into error messages. tr.v. To engage in a pastime similar to banging
36110 one's head against a wall, but with fewer opportunities for reward.
36112 Programmers do it bit by bit.
36114 Programmers used to batch environments may find it hard to live
36115 without giant listings; we would find it hard to use them.
36118 Programming Department:
36119 Mistakes made while you wait.
36121 Programming is an unnatural act.
36124 Medieval man thought disease was caused by invisible demons
36125 invading the body and taking possession of it.
36127 Modern man knows disease is caused by microscopic bacteria
36128 and viruses invading the body and causing it to malfunction.
36130 Progress is impossible without change, and those who
36131 cannot change their minds cannot change anything.
36134 Progress means replacing a theory that
36135 is wrong with one more subtly wrong.
36137 Progress might have been all right once, but it's gone on too long.
36140 Progress was all right. Only it went on too long.
36143 Promise her anything, but give her Exxon unleaded.
36145 Promising costs nothing, it's the delivering that kills you.
36147 PROMOTION FROM WITHIN:
36148 A system of moving incompetents up to the policy-making
36149 level where they can't foul up operations.
36151 Promptness is its own reward, if one lives by the clock instead of the sword.
36153 Proof techniques #1: Proof by Induction.
36155 This technique is used on equations with 'n' in them. Induction
36156 techniques are very popular, even the military use them.
36158 SAMPLE: Proof of induction without proof of induction.
36160 We know it's true for n equal to 1. Now assume that it's true
36161 for every natural number less than n. N is arbitrary, so we can take n
36162 as large as we want. If n is sufficiently large, the case of n+1 is
36163 trivially equivalent, so the only important n are n less than n. We can
36164 take n = n (from above), so it's true for n+1 because it's just about n.
36165 QED. (QED translates from the Latin as "So what?")
36167 Proof techniques #2: Proof by Oddity.
36168 SAMPLE: To prove that horses have an infinite number of legs.
36169 [1] Horses have an even number of legs.
36170 [2] They have two legs in back and fore legs in front.
36171 [3] This makes a total of six legs,
36172 which certainly is an odd number of legs for a horse.
36173 [4] But the only number that is both odd and even is infinity.
36174 [5] Therefore, horses must have an infinite number of legs.
36176 Topics is be covered in future issues include proof by:
36178 gesticulation (handwaving),
36179 "try it; it works",
36180 constipation (I was just sitting there and...),
36182 changing all the 2's to n's,
36184 lack of a counterexample, and,
36185 "it stands to reason".
36187 Proper treatment will cure a cold in seven days,
36188 but left to itself, a cold will hang on for a week.
36191 Prosperity makes friends, adversity tries them.
36194 Prototype designs always work.
36198 First stage in the life cycle of a computer product, followed by
36199 pre-alpha, alpha, beta, release version, corrected release version,
36200 upgrade, corrected upgrade, etc. Unlike its successors, the
36201 prototype is not expected to work.
36203 Providence New Jersey is one of the few cities
36204 where Velveeta cheese appears on the gourmet shelf.
36206 Prunes give you a run for your money.
36208 Pryor's Observation:
36209 How long you live has nothing to do
36210 with how long you are going to be dead.
36212 Psychiatry enables us to correct our faults by confessing our parents'
36214 -- Laurence J. Peter, "Peter's Principles"
36216 Psychics will soon lead dogs to your body.
36218 Psychoanalysis is that mental illness for which it regards itself
36222 Psychiatry is the care of the id by the odd.
36224 Show me a sane man and I will cure him for you.
36228 Someone who watches everyone else when an attractive woman walks
36231 Psychologists think they're experimental psychologists.
36232 Experimental psychologists think they're biologists.
36233 Biologists think they're biochemists.
36234 Biochemists think they're chemists.
36235 Chemists think they're physical chemists.
36236 Physical chemists think they're physicists.
36237 Physicists think they're theoretical physicists.
36238 Theoretical physicists think they're mathematicians.
36239 Mathematicians think they're metamathematicians.
36240 Metamathematicians think they're philosophers.
36241 Philosophers think they're gods.
36243 Psychology. Mind over matter.
36244 Mind under matter? It doesn't matter.
36247 Public use of any portable music system is a
36248 virtually guaranteed indicator of sociopathic tendencies.
36251 Publishing a volume of verse is like dropping
36252 a rose petal down the Grand Canyon and waiting for the echo.
36255 Anything that begins well will end badly.
36256 (Note: The converse of Pudder's law is not true.)
36258 Punning is the worst vice, and there's no vice versa.
36260 Puns are little "plays on words" that a certain breed of person loves to
36261 spring on you and then look at you in a certain self-satisfied way to indicate
36262 that he thinks that you must think that he is by far the cleverest person
36263 on Earth now that Benjamin Franklin is dead, when in fact what you are
36264 thinking is that if this person ever ends up in a lifeboat, the other
36265 passengers will hurl him overboard by the end of the first day even if they
36266 have plenty of food and water.
36272 Someone who is deathly afraid that
36273 someone, somewhere, is having fun.
36275 Puritanism -- the haunting fear that someone, somewhere, may be happy.
36276 -- H.L. Mencken, "A Book of Burlesques"
36279 To take something off the grocery shelf, decide you
36280 don't want it, and then put it in another section.
36281 -- "Sniglets", Rich Hall & Friends
36283 Push where it gives and scratch where it itches.
36285 Pushing 30 is exercise enough.
36287 Pushing forty is exercise enough.
36289 Put a pot of chili on the stove to simmer.
36290 Let it simmer. Meanwhile, broil a good steak.
36291 Eat the steak. Let the chili simmer. Ignore it.
36292 -- Recipe for chili from Allan Shrivers, former governor
36295 Put a rogue in the limelight and he will act like an honest man.
36296 -- Napoleon Bonaparte, "Maxims"
36298 Put all your eggs in one basket and -- WATCH THAT BASKET.
36301 Put another password in,
36302 Bomb it out, then try again.
36303 Try to get past logging in,
36304 We're hacking, hacking, hacking.
36306 Try his first wife's maiden name,
36307 This is more than just a game.
36308 It's real fun, but just the same,
36309 It's hacking, hacking, hacking.
36311 Put cats in the coffee and mice in the tea!
36313 Put not your trust in money, but put your money in trust.
36315 Put your best foot forward.
36316 Or just call in and say you're sick.
36318 Put your brain in gear before starting your mouth in motion.
36320 Put your Nose to the Grindstone!
36321 -- Amalgamated Plastic Surgeons and Toolmakers, Ltd.
36323 Put your trust in those who are worthy.
36326 Technology is dominated by two types of people:
36327 Those who understand what they do not manage.
36328 Those who manage what they do not understand.
36330 Pyro's of the world... IGNITE !!!
36335 Q: Do you know what the death rate around here is?
36338 Q: Have you heard about the man who didn't pay for his exorcism?
36339 A: He got re-possessed!
36341 Q: How can we get the Beatles to reunite for one more concert?
36342 A: With three more bullets.
36344 Q: How can you tell if an elephant is having an affair with
36346 A: You have to wait 22 months.
36348 Q: How can you tell if an elephant is sitting on your back
36350 A: You can hear his ears flapping in the wind.
36352 Q: How can you tell when a Burroughs salesman is lying?
36353 A: When his lips move.
36355 Q: How did the elephant get to the top of the oak tree?
36356 A: He sat on a acorn and waited for spring.
36358 Q: But how did he get back down?
36359 A: He crawled out on a leaf and waited for autumn.
36361 Q: How do you catch a unique rabbit?
36362 A: Unique up on it!
36364 Q: How do you catch a tame rabbit?
36367 Q: How do you keep a moron in suspense?
36369 Q. How do you keep an Aggie busy at a terminal?
36370 A. While he's not looking, switch it to "local".
36372 Q: How do you know when you're in the <ethnic> section of Vermont?
36373 A: The maple sap buckets are hanging on utility poles.
36375 Q: How do you make an elephant float?
36376 A: You get two scoops of elephant and some rootbeer...
36378 Q: How do you play religious roulette?
36379 A: You stand around in a circle and blaspheme and see who gets
36380 struck by lightning first.
36382 Q: How do you save a drowning lawyer?
36383 A: Throw him a rock.
36385 Q: How do you shoot a blue elephant?
36386 A: With a blue-elephant gun.
36388 Q: How do you shoot a pink elephant?
36389 A: Twist its trunk until it turns blue, then shoot it with
36390 a blue-elephant gun.
36392 Q: How do you stop an elephant from charging?
36393 A: Take away his credit cards.
36395 Q: How does a hacker fix a function which
36396 doesn't work for all of the elements in its domain?
36397 A: He changes the domain.
36399 Q: How does a single woman in New York get rid of cockroaches?
36400 A: She asks them for a commitment.
36402 Q: How does a WASP propose marriage?
36403 A: "How would you like to be buried with my people?"
36405 Q: How many Bell Labs Vice Presidents does it take to change a light bulb?
36406 A: That's proprietary information. Answer available from AT&T on payment
36407 of license fee (binary only).
36409 Q: How many bureaucrats does it take to screw in a light bulb?
36410 A: Two. One to assure everyone that everything possible is being
36411 done while the other screws the bulb into the water faucet.
36413 Q: How many Californians does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
36414 A: Five. One to screw in the lightbulb and four to share the
36415 experience. (Actually, Californians don't screw in
36416 lightbulbs, they screw in hot tubs.)
36418 Q: How many Oregonians does it take to screw in a light bulb?
36419 A: Three. One to screw in the lightbulb and two to fend off all
36420 those Californians trying to share the experience.
36422 Q: How many college football players does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
36423 A: Only one, but he gets three credits for it.
36425 Q: How many DEC repairman does it take to fix a flat?
36426 A: Five; four to hold the car up and one to swap tires.
36428 Q: How long does it take?
36429 A: It's indeterminate.
36430 It will depend upon how many flats they've brought with them.
36432 Q: What happens if you've got TWO flats?
36433 A: They replace your generator.
36435 Q: How many Democrats does it take to enjoy a good joke?
36436 A: One more than you can find.
36438 Q: How many elephants can you fit in a VW Bug?
36439 A: Four. Two in the front, two in the back.
36441 Q: How can you tell if an elephant is in your refrigerator?
36442 A: There's a footprint in the mayo.
36444 Q: How can you tell if two elephants are in your refrigerator?
36445 A: There's two footprints in the mayo.
36447 Q: How can you tell if three elephants are in your refrigerator?
36448 A: The door won't shut.
36450 Q: How can you tell if four elephants are in your refrigerator?
36451 A: There's a VW Bug in your driveway.
36453 Q: How many hardware engineers does it take to change a lightbulb?
36454 A: None. We'll fix it in software.
36456 Q: How many system programmers does it take to change a light bulb?
36457 A: None. The application can work around it.
36459 Q: How many software engineers does it take to change a lightbulb?
36460 A: None. We'll document it in the manual.
36462 Q: How many tech writers does it take to change a lightbulb?
36463 A: None. The user can figure it out.
36465 Q: How many Harvard MBA's does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
36466 A: Just one. He grasps it firmly and the universe revolves around him.
36468 Q: How many IBM 370's does it take to execute a job?
36469 A: Four, three to hold it down, and one to rip its head off.
36471 Q: How many IBM CPU's does it take to do a logical right shift?
36472 A: 33. 1 to hold the bits and 32 to push the register.
36474 Q: How many IBM types does it take to change a light bulb?
36475 A: Fifteen. One to do it, and fourteen to write document number
36476 GC7500439-0001, Multitasking Incandescent Source System Facility,
36477 of which 10% of the pages state only "This page intentionally
36478 left blank", and 20% of the definitions are of the form "A:.....
36479 consists of sequences of non-blank characters separated by blanks".
36481 Q: How many journalists does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
36482 A: Three. One to report it as an inspired government program to bring
36483 light to the people, one to report it as a diabolical government plot
36484 to deprive the poor of darkness, and one to win a Pulitzer prize for
36485 reporting that Electric Company hired a lightbulb-assassin to break
36486 the bulb in the first place.
36488 Q: How many lawyers does it take to change a light bulb?
36489 A: One. Only it's his light bulb when he's done.
36491 Q: How many lawyers does it take to change a light bulb?
36492 A: Whereas the party of the first part, also known as "Lawyer", and the
36493 party of the second part, also known as "Light Bulb", do hereby and forthwith
36494 agree to a transaction wherein the party of the second part shall be removed
36495 from the current position as a result of failure to perform previously agreed
36496 upon duties, i.e., the lighting, elucidation, and otherwise illumination of
36497 the area ranging from the front (north) door, through the entryway, terminating
36498 at an area just inside the primary living area, demarcated by the beginning of
36499 the carpet, any spillover illumination being at the option of the party of the
36500 second part and not required by the aforementioned agreement between the
36502 The aforementioned removal transaction shall include, but not be
36503 limited to, the following. The party of the first part shall, with or without
36504 elevation at his option, by means of a chair, stepstool, ladder or any other
36505 means of elevation, grasp the party of the second part and rotate the party
36506 of the second part in a counter-clockwise direction, this point being tendered
36507 non-negotiable. Upon reaching a point where the party of the second part
36508 becomes fully detached from the receptacle, the party of the first part shall
36509 have the option of disposing of the party of the second part in a manner
36510 consistent with all relevant and applicable local, state and federal statutes.
36511 Once separation and disposal have been achieved, the party of the first part
36512 shall have the option of beginning installation. Aforesaid installation shall
36513 occur in a manner consistent with the reverse of the procedures described in
36514 step one of this self-same document, being careful to note that the rotation
36515 should occur in a clockwise direction, this point also being non-negotiable.
36516 The above described steps may be performed, at the option of the party of the
36517 first part, by any or all agents authorized by him, the objective being to
36518 produce the most possible revenue for the Partnership.
36520 Q: How many lawyers does it take to change a light bulb?
36521 A: You won't find a lawyer who can change a light bulb. Now, if
36522 you're looking for a lawyer to screw a light bulb...
36524 Q: How many marketing people does it take to change a lightbulb?
36525 A: I'll have to get back to you on that.
36527 Q: How many Marxists does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
36528 A: None: The lightbulb contains the seeds of its own revolution.
36530 Q: How many mathematicians does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
36531 A: One. He gives it to six Californians, thereby reducing the problem
36532 to the earlier joke.
36534 Q: How many members of the U.S.S. Enterprise does it take to change a
36536 A: Seven. Scotty has to report to Captain Kirk that the light bulb in
36537 the Engineering Section is getting dim, at which point Kirk will send
36538 Bones to pronounce the bulb dead (although he'll immediately claim
36539 that he's a doctor, not an electrician). Scotty, after checking
36540 around, realizes that they have no more new light bulbs, and complains
36541 that he "canna" see in the dark. Kirk will make an emergency stop at
36542 the next uncharted planet, Alpha Regula IV, to procure a light bulb
36543 from the natives, who, are friendly, but seem to be hiding something.
36544 Kirk, Spock, Bones, Yeoman Rand and two red shirt security officers
36545 beam down to the planet, where the two security officers are promptly
36546 killed by the natives, and the rest of the landing party is captured.
36547 As something begins to develop between the Captain and Yeoman Rand,
36548 Scotty, back in orbit, is attacked by a Klingon destroyer and must
36549 warp out of orbit. Although badly outgunned, he cripples the Klingon
36550 and races back to the planet in order to rescue Kirk et. al. who have
36551 just saved the natives' from an awful fate and, as a reward, been
36552 given all lightbulbs they can carry. The new bulb is then inserted
36553 and the Enterprise continues on its five year mission.
36555 Q: How many people from New Jersey does it take to change a light
36557 A: Three. One to do it, one to watch, and the third to shoot the
36560 Q: How many pre-med's does it take to change a lightbulb?
36561 A: Five: One to change the bulb and four to pull the ladder
36562 out from under him.
36564 Q: How many psychiatrists does it take to change a light bulb?
36565 A: Only one, but it takes a long time, and the light bulb has
36566 to really want to change.
36568 Q: "How many Romulans does it take to screw in a light bulb?"
36569 A: "Twelve; one to screw the light-bulb in, and eleven to self-destruct
36570 the ship out of disgrace."
36572 [Warning: do not tell this joke to Romulans or else be ready for
36573 a fight. They consider this it to be a disgrace, though it's
36574 pretty good for a LBJ. Ed.]
36576 Q: How many surrealists does it take to change a light bulb?
36577 A: Two, one to hold the giraffe, and the other to fill the bathtub
36578 with brightly colored machine tools.
36580 [Surrealist jokes just aren't my cup of fur. Ed.]
36582 Q: How many WASP's does it take to change a lightbulb?
36585 Q: How much does it cost to ride the Unibus?
36588 Q: How was Thomas J. Watson buried?
36591 Q: Know what the difference between your latest project
36592 and putting wings on an elephant is?
36593 A: Who knows? The elephant *might* fly, heh, heh...
36595 Q: Minnesotans ask, "Why aren't there more pharmacists from Alabama?"
36596 A: Easy. It's because they can't figure out how to get the little
36597 bottles into the typewriter.
36599 Q: Somebody just posted that Roman Polanski directed Star Wars.
36602 A: Post the correct answer at once! We can't have people go on
36603 believing that! Very good of you to spot this. You'll probably
36604 be the only one to make the correction, so post as soon as you
36605 can. No time to lose, so certainly don't wait a day, or check to
36606 see if somebody else has made the correction. And it's not good
36607 enough to send the message by mail. Since you're the only one who
36608 really knows that it was Francis Coppola, you have to inform the
36609 whole net right away!
36610 -- Emily Postnews Answers Your Questions on Netiquette
36612 Q: What did Tarzan say when he saw the elephants coming over the hill?
36613 A: "The elephants are coming over the hill."
36615 Q: What did he say when saw them coming over the hill wearing
36617 A: Nothing, for he didn't recognize them.
36619 Q: What do a blonde and your computer have in common?
36620 A: You don't know how much either of them mean to you until
36621 they go down on you.
36623 Q: What's the advantage to being married to a blonde?
36624 A: You can park in the handicapped zone.
36626 Q: Why did the blonde get so excited after she finished her jigsaw
36627 puzzle in only 6 months?
36628 A: Because on the box it said "From 2-4 years".
36630 Q: What do little WASPs want to be when they grow up?
36631 A: The very best person they can possibly be.
36633 Q: What do monsters eat?
36636 Q: What do monsters drink?
36637 A: Coke. (Because Things go better with Coke.)
36639 Q: What do they call the alphabet in Arkansas?
36640 A: The impossible dream.
36642 Q: What do WASP's do instead of making love?
36643 A: Rule the country.
36645 Q: What do Winnie the Pooh and John the Baptist have in common?
36646 A: The same middle name.
36648 Q: What do you call 15 blondes in a circle?
36651 Q: Why do blondes put their hair in ponytails?
36652 A: To cover up the valve stem.
36654 Q: Why did the blonde get so excited after she finished her jigsaw
36655 puzzle in only 6 months?
36656 A: Because on the box it said "From 2-4 years".
36658 Q: What do you call a blind pre-historic animal?
36659 A: Diyathinkhesaurus.
36661 Q: What do you call a blind pre-historic animal with a dog?
36662 A: Diyathinkhesaurus Rex.
36664 Q: What do you call a boomerang that doesn't come back?
36667 Q: What do you call a brunette between two blondes?
36670 Q: Why do blondes have square breasts?
36671 A: They forgot to take the tissues out of the box.
36673 Q: What do you call ten blonds in a row?
36676 Q: What do you call a dog with no legs?
36677 A: What does it matter? He can't come anyway.
36679 [I got a dog with no legs -- I call him Cigarette.
36680 Every night, I take him out for a drag. Ed.]
36682 Q: What do you call a group of kids with low IQ's, drinking diet cola,
36683 eating fruit, and singing?
36684 A: The Moron Tab and Apple Choir.
36686 Q: What do you call a half-dozen Indians with Asian flu?
36687 A: Six sick Sikhs (sic).
36689 Q: What do you call a million cats at the bottom of Lake Michigan?
36692 Q: What do you call a principal female opera singer whose high C
36693 is lower than those of other principal female opera singers?
36696 Q. What do you call a TV set that fixes itself?
36697 A. A Christian Science Monitor.
36699 Q: What do you call a WASP who doesn't work for his father, isn't a
36700 lawyer, and believes in social causes?
36703 Q: What do you call the money you pay to the government when
36704 you ride into the country on the back of an elephant?
36707 Q: What do you call the scratches that you get when a female
36711 Q: What do you get when you cross the Godfather with an attorney?
36712 A: An offer you can't understand.
36714 Q: What do you get when you stuff a flaming stick down a rabbit-hole?
36715 A: Hot cross bunnies!
36717 Q: What do you have when you have a lawyer buried up to his neck in sand?
36718 A: Not enough sand.
36720 Q: What does a blonde do first theing in the morning?
36723 Q: Why does blonde have fur on the hem of her dress?
36724 A: To keep her neck warm.
36726 Q: How do you make a blonde laugh on Monday?
36727 A: Tell her a joke on Friday.
36729 Q: What does a WASP Mom make for dinner?
36730 A: A crisp salad, a hearty soup, a lovely entree, followed by
36731 a delicious dessert.
36733 Q: What does it say on the bottom of Coke cans in North Dakota?
36736 Q: What goes: Sis! Boom! Baaaaah!
36737 A: Exploding sheep.
36739 Q: What happens when four WASP's find themselves in the same room?
36742 Q: What is green and lives in the ocean?
36745 Q: What is it that a cow has four of and a woman has two of?
36748 Q: What is orange and goes "click, click?"
36749 A: A ball point carrot.
36751 Q: What is printed on the bottom of beer bottles in Minnesota?
36754 Q: What is purple and commutes?
36755 A: A boolean grape.
36757 Q: What is purple and commutes?
36758 A: An Abelian grape.
36760 Q: What is purple and concord the world?
36761 A: Alexander the Grape.
36763 Q: "What is the burning question on the mind of every dyslexic
36765 A: "Is there a dog?"
36767 Q: What is the difference between a duck?
36768 A: One leg is both the same.
36770 Q: What is the difference between Texas and yogurt?
36771 A: Yogurt has culture.
36773 Q: What is the last thing a Kansas stripper takes off?
36774 A: Her bowling shoes.
36776 Q: What is the mating call of a blonde?
36777 A: I think I'm drunk.
36779 Q: What's the call of a disappointed blonde?
36780 A: I *said*, I *think* I'm drunk!
36782 Q: What is the mating call of the ugly blonde?
36783 A: (Screaming) "I said: I'm drunk!"
36785 Q: What is the sound of one cat napping?
36788 Q: What lies on the bottom of the ocean and twitches?
36789 A: A nervous wreck.
36791 Q: What looks like a cat, flies like a bat, brays like a donkey, and
36792 plays like a monkey?
36795 Q: What's black and white and red all over?
36796 A: Two nuns in a chainsaw fight.
36798 Q: What's bruised, bleeding, and lies in a ditch?
36799 A: Somebody who tells Aggie jokes.
36801 Q: What's tan and black and looks great on a lawyer?
36804 Q: What's the Blonde's cheer?
36805 A: I'm blonde, I'm blonde, I'm B.L.O.N... ah, oh well..
36806 I'm blonde, I'm blonde, yea yea yea...
36808 Q: What do you call it when a blonde dies their hair brunette?
36809 A: Artificial intelligence.
36811 Q: How do you make a blonde's eyes light up?
36812 A: Shine a flashlight in their ear.
36814 Q. What's the capital of Canada?
36817 Q: What's the difference between a dead dog in the road and a dead
36818 lawyer in the road?
36819 A: There are skid marks in front of the dog.
36821 Q: What's the difference between a duck and an elephant?
36822 A: You can't get down off an elephant.
36824 Q: What's the difference between a Mac and an Etch-a-Sketch?
36825 A: You don't have to shake the Mac to clear the screen.
36827 Q: What's the difference between a RHU cheerleader and a whale?
36830 Q: What's the difference between an Irish wedding and an Irish wake?
36833 Q: What's the difference between Bell Labs and the Boy Scouts of America?
36834 A: The Boy Scouts have adult supervision.
36836 Q. What's the difference between Los Angeles and yogurt?
36837 A. Yogurt has a living, active culture.
36839 Q: What's tiny and yellow and very, very, dangerous?
36840 A: A canary with the super-user password.
36842 Q: What's yellow, and equivalent to the Axiom of Choice?
36845 Q: Where's the Lone Ranger take his garbage?
36846 A: To the dump, to the dump, to the dump dump dump!
36848 Q: What's the Pink Panther say when he steps on an ant hill?
36849 A: Dead ant, dead ant, dead ant dead ant dead ant...
36851 Q: Who cuts the grass on Walton's Mountain?
36854 Q: Why are Jewish divorces so expensive?
36855 A: Because they're worth it!
36857 Q: Why did the astrophysicist order three hamburgers?
36858 A: Because he was hungry.
36860 Q: Why did the blonde climb over the glass wall?
36861 A: To see what was on the other side.
36863 Q: Why do blondes like tilt steering wheels?
36866 Q: How does a blonde turn on the light after having sex?
36867 A: She opens the car door.
36869 Q: Why did the chicken cross the road?
36870 A: He was giving it last rites.
36872 Q: Why did the chicken cross the road?
36873 A: To see his friend Gregory peck.
36875 Q: Why did the chicken cross the playground?
36876 A: To get to the other slide.
36878 Q: Why did the germ cross the microscope?
36879 A: To get to the other slide.
36881 Q: Why did the lone ranger kill Tonto?
36882 A: He found out what "kimosabe" really means.
36884 Q: Why did the mathematician name his dog "Cauchy"?
36885 A: Because he left a residue at every pole.
36887 Q: Why did the programmer call his mother long distance?
36888 A: Because that was her name.
36890 Q: Why did the WASP cross the road?
36891 A: To get to the middle.
36893 Q: Why do ducks have big flat feet?
36894 A: To stamp out forest fires.
36896 Q: Why do elephants have big flat feet?
36897 A: To stamp out flaming ducks.
36899 Q: Why do firemen wear red suspenders?
36900 A: To conform with departmental regulations concerning uniform dress.
36902 Q: Why do mountain climbers rope themselves together?
36903 A: To prevent the sensible ones from going home.
36905 Q: Why do people who live near Niagara Falls have flat foreheads?
36906 A: Because every morning they wake up thinking "What *is* that noise?
36907 Oh, right, *of course*!
36909 Q: Why do the police always travel in threes?
36910 A: One to do the reading, one to do the writing, and the other keeps
36911 an eye on the two intellectuals.
36913 Q: Why does Washington have the most lawyers per capita and
36914 New Jersey the most toxic waste dumps?
36915 A: God gave New Jersey first choice.
36917 Q: Why don't blondes eat pickles?
36918 A: Because they get their head stuck in the jars.
36920 Q: Why do blondes wear underwear?
36921 A: To keep their ankles warm.
36923 Q: How do you kill a blonde?
36924 A: Put spikes in her shoulder pads.
36926 Q: Why don't lawyers go to the beach?
36927 A: The cats keep trying to bury them.
36929 Q: Why don't Scotsmen ever have coffee the way they like it?
36930 A: Well, they like it with two lumps of sugar. If they drink
36931 it at home, they only take one, and if they drink it while
36932 visiting, they always take three.
36934 Q: Why is Christmas just like a day at the office?
36935 A: You do all of the work and the fat guy in the suit
36936 gets all the credit.
36938 Q: Why is it that the more accuracy you demand from an interpolation
36939 function, the more expensive it becomes to compute?
36940 A: That's the Law of Spline Demand.
36942 Q: Why should blondes not be given coffee breaks?
36943 A: It takes too long to retrain them.
36945 Q: What's the mating call of the brunette?
36946 A: All the blondes have gone home!
36948 Q: How do you tell if a blonde's been using the computer?
36949 A: There's white-out on the screen.
36951 Q: Why should you always serve a Southern Carolina football man
36953 A: 'Cause if you give him a bowl, he'll throw it away.
36955 Q: Why was Stonehenge abandoned?
36956 A: It wasn't IBM compatible.
36958 Q: What do you get when you cross a mobster with an international standard?
36959 A: You get someone who makes you an offer that you can't understand!
36961 Q: What's the difference between USL and the Graf Zeppelin?
36962 A: The Graf Zeppelin represented cutting edge technology for its time.
36964 Q: What's the difference between USL and the Titanic?
36965 A: The Titanic had a band.
36970 "It's not the despair... I can stand the despair. It's the hope."
36973 "A child of 5 could understand this! Fetch me a child of 5."
36976 "A university faculty is 500 egotists with a common parking problem."
36979 All I want is a little more than I'll ever get.
36982 All I want is more than my fair share.
36985 "Dead people are good at running because they don't
36986 have to stop and breathe."
36987 -- Hokey, watching "Night of the Living Dead"
36990 "Don't let your mind wander -- it's too little to be let out alone."
36993 "East is east... and let's keep it that way."
36996 "Every morning I read the obituaries; if my name's not there,
37000 Flash! Flash! I love you! ...but we only have fourteen hours to
37004 "He eats like a bird... five times his own weight each day."
37007 "Her other car is a broom."
37010 "He's a perfectionist. If he married Raquel Welch, he'd expect
37014 "He's such a hick he doesn't even have a trapeze in his bedroom."
37017 How can I miss you if you won't go away?
37020 "I ain't broke, but I'm badly bent."
37023 "I am not sure what this is, but an 'F' would only dignify it."
37026 "I don't think they could put him in a mental hospital. On the
37027 other hand, if he were already in, I don't think they'd let him out."
37030 "I drive my car quietly, for it goes without saying."
37033 "I haven't come far enough, and don't call me baby."
37036 I love your outfit, does it come in your size?
37039 "I may not be able to walk, but I drive from the sitting position."
37042 "I only touch base with reality on an as-needed basis!"
37045 I opened Pandora's box, let the cat out of the bag and put the
37046 ball in their court.
37047 -- Hon. J. Hacker (The Ministry of Administrative Affairs)
37050 "I sprinkled some baking powder over a couple of potatoes, but it
37054 "I thought I saw a unicorn on the way over, but it was just a
37055 horse with one of the horns broken off."
37058 "I treat her like a thoroughbred, and she's STILL a nag!"
37061 "I tried buying a goat instead of a lawn tractor; had to return
37062 it though. Couldn't figure out a way to connect the snow blower."
37065 "I used to be an idealist, but I got mugged by reality."
37068 "I used to be lost in the shuffle, now I just shuffle along with
37072 "I used to get high on life but lately I've built up a resistance."
37075 "I used to go to UCLA, but then my Dad got a job."
37078 "I used to jog, but the ice kept bouncing out of my glass."
37081 "I won't say he's untruthful, but his wife has to call the
37085 "I'd never marry a woman who didn't like pizza. I might play
37086 golf with her, but I wouldn't marry her."
37089 "If he learns from his mistakes, pretty soon he'll know everything."
37092 "If I could walk that way, I wouldn't need the aftershave."
37095 "If I'm what I eat, I'm a chocolate chip cookie."
37098 If it's too loud, you're too old.
37101 "If you keep an open mind people will throw a lot of garbage in it."
37104 If you're looking for trouble, I can offer you a wide selection.
37107 "I'll listen to reason when it comes out on CD."
37110 "I'm just a boy named 'su'..."
37113 I'm not a nerd -- I'm "socially challenged".
37116 I'm not bald -- I'm "hair challenged".
37118 [I thought that was "differently haired". Ed.]
37121 "I'm not really for apathy, but I'm not against it either..."
37124 "I'm on a seafood diet -- I see food and I eat it."
37127 "In the shopping mall of the mind, he's in the toy department."
37130 "It seems to me that your antenna doesn't bring in too many
37134 "It was so cold last winter that I saw a lawyer with his
37135 hands in his own pockets."
37138 "It's a cold bowl of chili, when love don't work out."
37141 "It's a dog-eat-dog world, and I'm wearing Milk Bone underwear."
37144 "It's been Monday all week today."
37147 "It's been real and it's been fun, but it hasn't been real fun."
37150 "It's hard to tell whether he has an ace up his sleeve or if
37151 the ace is missing from his deck altogether."
37154 "It's men like him that give the Y chromosome a bad name."
37157 "It's sort of a threat, you see. I've never been very good at
37158 them myself, but I'm told they can be very effective."
37161 "I've always wanted to work in the Federal Mint. And then go on
37162 strike. To make less money."
37165 "I've got one last thing to say before I go; give me back
37169 I've heard about civil Engineers, but I've never met one.
37172 "I've just learned about his illness. Let's hope it's nothing
37176 "Just how much can I get away with and still go to heaven?"
37183 "Like this rose, our love will wilt and die."
37186 Ludwig Boltzmann, who spend much of his life studying statistical
37187 mechanics died in 1906 by his own hand. Paul Ehrenfest, carrying
37188 on the work, died similarly in 1933. Now it is our turn.
37189 -- Goodstein, States of Matter
37192 Money isn't everything, but at least it keeps the kids in touch.
37195 "My ambition is to marry a rich woman who's too proud to let
37199 "My life is a soap opera, but who gets the movie rights?"
37202 My mother was the travel agent for guilt trips.
37205 "My shampoo lasts longer than my relationships."
37208 "Of course it's the murder weapon. Who would frame someone with
37212 "Of course there's no reason for it, it's just our policy."
37215 "Oh, no, no... I'm not beautiful. Just very, very pretty."
37218 "Our parents were never our age."
37221 "Overweight is when you step on your dog's tail and it dies."
37224 "Say, you look pretty athletic. What say we put a pair of tennis
37225 shoes on you and run you into the wall?"
37228 Sex is the most fun you can have without laughing.
37231 "She's about as smart as bait."
37234 Silence is the only virtue he has left.
37237 Some people have one of those days. I've had one of those lives.
37240 "Sure, I turned down a drink once. Didn't understand the question."
37243 Talent does what it can, genius what it must.
37244 I do what I get paid to do.
37247 "The baby was so ugly they had to hang a pork chop around its
37248 neck to get the dog to play with it."
37251 "The elder gods went to Suggoth and all I got was this lousy T-shirt."
37254 The forest may be quiet, but that doesn't mean
37255 the snakes have gone away.
37258 "There may be no excuse for laziness, but I'm sure looking."
37261 "This is a one line proof... if we start sufficiently far to the
37265 "To hell with patience, I'm gonna kill me something!"
37268 "Unlucky? If I bought a pumpkin farm, they'd cancel Halloween."
37271 "What do you mean, you had the dog fixed? Just what made you
37272 think he was broken!"
37275 "What I like most about myself is that I'm so understanding
37276 when I mess things up."
37279 "What women and psychologists call `dropping your armor', we call
37280 "baring your neck."
37283 "Who? Me? No, no, NO!! But I do sell rugs."
37286 "Wouldn't it be wonderful if real life supported control-Z?"
37289 Y'know how s'm people treat th'r body like a TEMPLE?
37290 Well, I treat mine like 'n AMUSEMENT PARK... S'great...
37293 "You want me to put *holes* in my ears and hang things from them?
37297 "You're so dumb you don't even have wisdom teeth."
37300 Everything I am today I owe to people, whom it is now
37304 I looked out my window, and saw Kyle Pettys' car upside down,
37305 then I thought 'One of us is in real trouble'.
37306 -- Davey Allison, on a 150 m.p.h. crash
37309 "I want a home, a family, an occasional spanking ..."
37313 "It wouldn't have been anything, even if it were gonna be a thing."
37316 Lack of planning on your part doesn't constitute an emergency
37320 On a scale of 1 to 10 I'd say... oh, somewhere in there.
37323 Sacred cows make great hamburgers.
37326 The only easy way to tell a hamster from a gerbil is that the
37327 gerbil has more dark meat.
37333 Assuring that the quality of a product does not get out of hand
37334 and add to the cost of its manufacture or design.
37337 The process of testing one out of every 1,000 units coming off a
37338 production line to make sure that at least one out of 100 works.
37340 Quantity is no substitute for quality,
37341 but its the only one we've got.
37343 Quantum Mechanics is a lovely introduction to Hilbert Spaces!
37344 -- Overheard at last year's Archimedeans' Garden Party
37346 Quantum Mechanics is God's version of "Trust me."
37349 The sound made by a well bred duck.
37351 Quark! Quark! Beware the quantum duck!
37353 Queensboro president Donald Mannis, charged with receiving bribes in
37354 exchange for city contracts, resigned on Tuesday. Mannis feels he must
37355 devote more time to impending litigation, some of which might emanate
37356 from a recent statement he made comparing New York Mayor Ed Koch to
37357 Nazi Martin Bormann. A spokesman from the Bormann estate said they are
37358 weighing the odds of a slander suit. Mayor Koch could naturally be
37359 reached for comment, but we chose not to listen.
37363 Man Invented Alcohol,
37364 God Invented Grass.
37367 question = ( to ) ? be : ! be;
37370 QUESTION AUTHORITY.
37374 Question: Is it better to abide by the rules until
37375 they're changed or help speed the change by breaking them?
37378 Ask somebody something.
37380 Questions are never indiscreet, answers sometimes are.
37383 Quick!! Act as if nothing has happened!
37385 Quidquid latine dictum sit, altum viditur.
37387 (Whatever is said in Latin sounds profound.)
37390 Whoever has any authority over you,
37391 no matter how small, will attempt to use it.
37393 Quit worrying about your health. It'll go away.
37396 Quite frankly, I don't like you humans.
37397 After what you all have done, I find being "inhuman" a compliment.
37399 Qvid me anxivs svm?
37402 The conservatism of tomorrow injected into the affairs of today.
37405 RADIO SHACK LEVEL II BASIC
37409 Radioactive cats have 18 half-lives.
37411 Raffiniert ist der Herrgott aber boshaft ist er nicht.
37414 rain falls where clouds come
37415 sun shines where clouds go
37416 clouds just come and go
37417 -- Florian Gutzwiller
37419 Rainy days and automatic weapons always get me down.
37421 Rainy days and Mondays always get me down.
37423 Raising pet electric eels is gaining a lot of current popularity.
37425 Ralph's Observation:
37426 It is a mistake to let any mechanical object
37427 realise that you are in a hurry.
37429 RAM wasn't built in a day.
37432 as in number, predictable.
37433 as in memory access, unpredictable.
37435 Rarely do people communicate; they just take turns talking.
37437 Rascal, am I? Take THAT!
37440 Rattling around the back of my head is a disturbing image of something I
37441 saw at the airport... Now I'm remembering, those giant piles of computer
37442 magazines right next to "People" and "Time" in the airport store. Does it
37443 bother anyone else that half the world is being told all of our hard-won
37444 secrets of computer technology? Remember how all the lawyers cried foul
37445 when "How to Avoid Probate" was published? Are they taking no-fault
37446 insurance lying down? No way! But at the current rate it won't be long
37447 before there are stacks of the "Transactions on Information Theory" at the
37448 A&P checkout counters. Who's going to be impressed with us electrical
37449 engineers then? Are we, as the saying goes, giving away the store?
37450 -- Robert W. Lucky, IEEE president
37455 And drugs cause cramp.
37456 Guns aren't lawful;
37459 You might as well live.
37460 -- Dorothy Parker, "Resume", 1926
37463 A picture is worth 10K words -- but only those to describe
37464 the picture. Hardly any sets of 10K words can be adequately
37465 described with pictures.
37467 Reach into the thoughts of friends,
37468 And find they do not know your name.
37469 Squeeze the teddy bear too tight,
37470 And watch the feathers burst the seams.
37471 Touch the stained glass with your cheek,
37472 And feel its chill upon your blood.
37473 Hold a candle to the night,
37474 And see the darkness bend the flame.
37475 Tear the mask of peace from God,
37476 And hear the roar of souls in hell.
37477 Pluck a rose in name of love,
37478 And watch the petals curl and wilt.
37479 Lean upon the western wind,
37480 And know you are alone.
37483 Reactor error - core dumped!
37485 Reading is thinking with someone else's head instead of one's own.
37487 Reading is to the mind what exercise is to the body.
37489 Reagan can't act either.
37491 Real computer scientists despise the idea of actual hardware. Hardware has
37492 limitations, software doesn't. It's a real shame that Turing machines are
37495 Real computer scientists don't write code. They occasionally tinker with
37496 `programming systems', but those are so high level that they hardly count
37497 (and rarely count accurately; precision is for applications).
37499 Real computer scientists like having a computer on their desk, else how
37500 could they read their mail?
37502 Real computer scientists only write specs for languages that might run on
37503 future hardware. Nobody trusts them to write specs for anything homo sapiens
37504 will ever be able to fit on a single planet.
37506 Real programmers admire ADA for its overwhelming aesthetic value but they
37507 find it difficult to actually program in it, as it is much too large to
37508 implement. Most computer scientists don't notice this because they are
37509 still arguing over what else to add to ADA.
37511 Real programmers don't document; if it was
37512 hard to write, it should be hard to understand.
37514 Real programmers don't draw flowcharts. Flowcharts are, after all, the
37515 illiterate's form of documentation. Cavemen drew flowcharts; look how much
37518 Real Programmers don't eat quiche. They eat Twinkies and Szechwan food.
37520 Real Programmers don't play tennis, or any other sport that requires
37521 you to change clothes. Mountain climbing is OK, and real programmers
37522 wear their climbing boots to work in case a mountain should suddenly
37523 spring up in the middle of the machine room.
37525 Real Programmers don't write in FORTRAN.
37526 FORTRAN is for pipe stress freaks and crystallography weenies.
37528 Real Programmers don't write in PL/I. PL/I is for
37529 programmers who can't decide whether to write in COBOL or FORTRAN.
37531 Real Programmers think better when playing Adventure or Rogue.
37533 Real programs don't eat cache.
37535 Real Programs don't use shared text. Otherwise, how can they
37536 use functions for scratch space after they are finished calling them?
37538 Real wealth can only increase.
37539 -- R. Buckminster Fuller
37541 Real World, The n.:
37542 1. In programming, those institutions at which programming may be
37543 used in the same sentence as FORTRAN, COBOL, RPG, IBM, etc. 2. To
37544 programmers, the location of non-programmers and activities not related to
37545 programming. 3. A universe in which the standard dress is shirt and tie
37546 and in which a person's working hours are defined as 9 to 5. 4. The location
37547 of the status quo. 5. Anywhere outside a university. "Poor fellow, he's
37548 left MIT and gone into T.R.W." Used pejoratively by those not in residence
37549 there. In conversation, talking of someone who has entered the real world
37550 is not unlike talking about a deceased person.
37552 Reality -- what a concept!
37555 Reality always seems harsher in the early morning.
37557 Reality does not exist - yet.
37559 Reality is an obstacle to hallucination.
37561 Reality is for people who can't deal with drugs.
37564 Reality is just a crutch for people who can't handle science fiction.
37566 Reality is nothing but a collective hunch.
37569 Reality must take precedence over public relations, for Mother Nature
37573 Really?? What a coincidence, I'm shallow too!!
37576 An abrupt change of mind after being found out.
37578 Rebellion lay in his way, and he found it.
37579 -- William Shakespeare, "Henry IV"
37581 Receiving a million dollars tax free will make you feel better than being
37582 flat broke and having a stomach ache.
37585 Recent investments will yield a slight profit.
37587 Recent research has tended to show that the Abominable No-Man
37588 is being replaced by the Prohibitive Procrastinator.
37591 Recently deceased blues guitarist Stevie Ray Vaughan "comes to" after
37592 his death. He sees Jimi Hendrix sitting next to him, tuning his guitar.
37593 "Holy cow," he thinks to himself, "this guy is my idol." Over at the
37594 microphone, about to sing, are Jim Morrison and Janis Joplin, and the
37595 bassist is the late Barry Oakley of the Allman Brothers. So Stevie
37596 Ray's thinking, "Oh, wow! I've died and gone to rock and roll heaven."
37597 Just then, Karen Carpenter walks in, sits down at the drums, and says:
37598 "'Close to You'. Hit it, boys!"
37599 -- Told by Penn Jillette, of magic/comedy duo Penn and Teller
37602 The purgatory where office visitors are condemned to spend
37603 innumerable hours reading dog-eared back issues of trade
37604 magazines like Modern Plastics, Chain Saw Age, and Chicken World,
37605 while the receptionist blithely reads her own trade magazine --
37608 Recession is when your neighbor loses his job. Depression is when you
37609 lose your job. These economic downturns are very difficult to predict,
37610 but sophisticated econometric modeling houses like Data Resources and
37611 Chase Econometrics have successfully predicted 14 of the last 3 recessions.
37613 Recipe for a Pan Galactic Gargle Blaster:
37614 (1) Take the juice from one bottle of Ol' Janx Spirit
37615 (2) Pour into it one measure of water from the seas of
37616 Santraginus V (Oh, those Santraginean fish!)
37617 (3) Allow 3 cubes of Arcturan Mega-gin to melt into the
37618 mixture (properly iced or the benzine is lost.)
37619 (4) Allow four liters of Fallian marsh gas to bubble through it.
37620 (5) Over the back of a silver spoon, float a measure of
37621 Qualactin Hypermint extract.
37622 (6) Drop in the tooth of an Algolian Suntiger. Watch it dissolve.
37623 (7) Sprinkle Zamphuor.
37625 (9) Drink... but... very carefully...
37627 Reclaimer, spare that tree!
37628 Take not a single bit!
37629 It used to point to me,
37630 Now I'm protecting it.
37631 It was the reader's CONS
37632 That made it, paired by dot;
37633 Now, GC, for the nonce,
37634 Thou shalt reclaim it not.
37636 Recursion is the root of computation
37637 since it trades description for time.
37639 Recursion: n. See Recursion.
37640 -- Random Shack Data Processing Dictionary
37642 Regardless of whether a mission expands or contracts,
37643 administrative overhead continues to grow at a steady rate.
37647 Regression analysis:
37648 Mathematical techniques for trying to understand why things are
37652 A body on vacation tends to remain on vacation unless acted upon by
37655 Reinhart was never his mother's favorite -- and he was an only child.
37658 Reisner's Rule of Conceptual Inertia:
37659 If you think big enough, you'll never have to do it.
37661 Relations are simply a tedious pack of people, who haven't the remotest
37662 knowledge of how to live, nor the smallest instinct about when to die.
37663 -- Oscar Wilde, "The Importance of Being Earnest"
37665 ...relaxed in the manner of a man who
37666 has no need to put up a front of any kind.
37667 -- John Ball, "Mark One: the Dummy"
37669 Reliable source, n:
37670 The guy you just met.
37672 Religion has done love a great service by making it a sin.
37675 Religion is a crutch, but that's okay... humanity is a cripple.
37677 Religion is what keeps the poor from murdering the rich.
37680 Religions revolve madly around sexual questions.
37682 Rembrandt is not to be compared in the painting of character with our
37683 extraordinarily gifted English artist, Mr. Rippingille.
37684 -- John Hunt, British editor, scholar and art critic
37685 Cerf/Navasky, "The Experts Speak"
37687 Remember -- only 10% of anything can be in the top 10%.
37689 Remember Darwin; building a better
37690 mousetrap merely results in smarter mice.
37692 Remember, DESSERT is spelled with two `s's while DESERT is spelled
37693 with one, because EVERYONE wants two desserts, but NO ONE wants two
37695 -- Miss Oglethorp, Gr. 5, PS. 59
37697 Remember folks. Street lights timed for 35 mph are also timed for 70 mph.
37700 Remember, God could only create the world in 6 days because he didn't
37701 have an established user base.
37703 Remember, Grasshopper, falling down 1000 stairs begins by tripping over
37707 "Remember, if it's being done correctly, here or abroad, it's
37708 *not* the U.S. Army doing it!"
37709 -- Good Morning Vietnam
37711 Remember kids, if there's a loaded gun in the room, be sure
37712 that you're the one holding it.
37713 -- Mr. Greenfatigues
37715 Remember: Silly is a state of Mind, Stupid is a way of Life.
37718 Remember that as a teenager you are in the last stage of your life when
37719 you will be happy to hear that the phone is for you.
37720 -- Fran Lebowitz, "Social Studies"
37722 Remember that there is an outside world to see and enjoy.
37725 Remember that whatever misfortune may be your lot,
37726 it could only be worse in Cleveland.
37728 Remember the good old days, when CPU was singular?
37730 Remember the... the... uhh.....
37733 Ay, thou poor ghost while memory holds a seat
37734 In this distracted globe. Remember thee!
37735 Yea, from the table of my memory
37736 I'll wipe away all trivial fond records,
37737 All saws of books, all forms, all pressures past,
37738 That youth and observation copied there.
37739 -- William Shakespear, "Hamlet"
37741 Remember to say hello to your bank teller.
37743 Remember, UNIX spelled backwards is XINU.
37746 Remember: use logout to logout.
37748 Remembering is for those who have forgotten.
37751 Remove me from this land of slaves,
37752 Where all are fools, and all are knaves,
37753 Where every knave and fool is bought,
37754 Yet kindly sells himself for nought;
37757 Removing the straw that broke the camel's back
37758 does not necessarily allow the camel to walk again.
37761 Man is the highest animal. Man does the classifying.
37763 Repartee is something we think of twenty-four hours too late.
37766 Repel them. Repel them. Induce them to relinquish the spheroid.
37767 -- Indiana University footbal cheer
37769 Reply hazy, ask again later.
37772 A writer who guesses his way to the truth
37773 and dispels it with a tempest of words.
37776 Reporter: "How did you like school when you were growing up, Yogi?"
37777 Yogi Berra: "Closed."
37779 Reporter: "What would you do if you found a million dollars?"
37780 Yogi Berra: "If the guy was poor, I would give it back."
37782 Reporter (to Mahatma Gandhi):
37783 Mr. Gandhi, what do you think of Western Civilization?
37784 Gandhi: I think it would be a good idea.
37786 Republicans raise dahlias, Dalmatians and eyebrows.
37787 Democrats raise Airedales, kids and taxes.
37789 Democrats eat the fish they catch.
37790 Republicans hang them on the wall.
37792 Republican boys date Democratic girls. They plan to marry
37793 Republican girls, but feel they're entitled to a little fun first.
37795 Democrats make up plans and then do something else.
37796 Republicans follow the plans their grandfathers made.
37798 Republicans sleep in twin beds -- some even in separate rooms.
37799 That is why there are more Democrats.
37800 -- Paul Dickson, "The Official Rules"
37803 What others are not thinking about you.
37805 Research is the best place to be: you work your buns off, and if it works
37806 you're a hero; if it doesn't, well -- nobody else has done it yet either,
37807 so you're still a valiant nerd.
37809 Research is to see what everybody else has seen,
37810 and think what nobody else has thought.
37812 Research is what I'm doing when I don't know what I'm doing.
37813 -- Wernher von Braun
37817 He didn't know where he was going.
37818 When he got there he didn't know where he was.
37819 When he got back he didn't know where he had been.
37820 And he did it all on someone else's money.
37822 Resisting temptation is easier when you
37823 think you'll probably get another chance later on.
37826 Everyone says that having power is a great responsibility. This is
37827 a lot of bunk. Responsibility is when someone can blame you if something
37828 goes wrong. When you have power you are surrounded by people whose job it
37829 is to take the blame for your mistakes. If they're smart, that is.
37830 -- Cerebus, "On Governing"
37832 Retirement means that when someone says "Have a nice day", you
37833 actually have a shot at it.
37835 Reunite Gondwanaland!
37837 Rev. Jim: What does an amber light mean?
37839 Rev. Jim: What... does... an... amber... light... mean?
37841 Rev. Jim: What.... does.... an.... amber.... light....
37843 Revenge is a form of nostalgia.
37845 Revenge is a meal best served cold.
37849 1: If Nerd on the planet Nutley starts out in his spaceship at 20 KPH,
37850 and his speed doubles every 3.2 seconds, how long will it be before
37851 he exceeds the speed of light? How long will it be before the
37852 Galactic Patrol picks up the pieces of his spaceship?
37854 2: If Roger Rowdy wrecks his car every week, and each week he breaks
37855 twice as many bones as before, how long will it be before he breaks
37856 every bone in his body? How long will it be before they cut off
37857 his insurance? Where does he get a new car every week?
37859 3: If Johnson drinks one beer the first hour (slow start), four beers
37860 the next hour, nine beers the next, etc., and stacks the cans in
37861 a pyramid, how soon will Johnson's pyramid be larger than King
37862 Tut's? When will it fall on him? Will he notice?
37865 A form of government abroad.
37868 In politics, an abrupt change in the form of misgovernment.
37871 revolutionary, adj:
37875 When any principle, law, tenet, probability, happening, circumstance,
37876 or result can in no way be directly, indirectly, empirically, or
37877 circuitously proven, derived, implied, inferred, induced, deducted,
37878 estimated, or scientifically guessed, it will always for the purpose
37879 of convenience, expediency, political advantage, material gain, or
37880 personal comfort, or any combination of the above, or none of the
37881 above, be unilaterally and unequivocally assumed, proclaimed, and
37882 adhered to as absolute truth to be undeniably, universally, immutably,
37883 and infinitely so, until such time as it becomes advantageous to
37884 assume otherwise, maybe.
37886 Rich bachelors should be heavily taxed. It is not fair that some men
37887 should be happier than others.
37890 Richard Nixon was the most dishonest individual I have ever met in my life.
37891 He lied to his wife, his family, his friends, his colleagues in the Congress,
37892 lifetime members of his own political party, the American people, and the
37894 -- Senator Barry Goldwater
37896 Riches cover a multitude of woes.
37899 Rick: "How can you close me up? On what grounds?"
37900 Renault: "I'm shocked! Shocked! To find that gambling is
37902 Croupier (handing money to Renault):
37903 "Your winnings, sir."
37904 Renault: "Oh. Thank you very much."
37907 Riffle West Virginia is so small that the
37908 Boy Scout had to double as the town drunk.
37910 "Rights" is a fictional abstraction. No one has "Rights", neither
37911 machines nor flesh-and-blood. Persons... have opportunities, not
37912 rights, which they use or do not use.
37915 Ring around the collar.
37918 (1) Everything has some value -- if you use the right currency.
37919 (2) Paint splashes last longer than the paint job.
37920 (3) Search and ye shall find -- but make sure it was lost.
37923 Someone who's been made by a scientist.
37926 University administrator.
37929 Never having to say you're sorry.
37931 Rocky's Lemma of Innovation Prevention
37932 Unless the results are known in advance,
37933 funding agencies will reject the proposal.
37935 Romance, like alcohol, should be enjoyed, but should not be allowed to
37937 -- Edgar Friedenberg
37939 Rome was not built in one day.
37942 Rome wasn't burnt in a day.
37944 Romeo was restless, he was ready to kill,
37945 He jumped out the window 'cause he couldn't sit still,
37946 Juliet was waiting with a safety net,
37947 Said "don't bury me 'cause I ain't dead yet".
37955 Rotten wood cannot be carved.
37956 -- Confucius, "Analects", Book 5, Ch. 9
37958 Roumanian-Yiddish cooking has killed more Jews than Hitler.
37961 Round Numbers are always false.
37964 Row, row, row your bits, gently down the stream...
37966 Rubber bands have snappy endings!
37968 Rube Walker: "Hey, Yogi, what time is it?"
37969 Yogi Berra: "You mean now?"
37972 You know that any senator or congressman could go home and make
37973 $300,000 to $400,000, but they don't. Why? Because they can
37974 stay in Washington and make it there.
37976 Rudeness is a weak man's imitation of strength.
37979 If there is a wrong way to do something, most people will
37982 Rudin's Second Law:
37983 In a crisis that forces a choice to be made among alternative
37984 courses of action, people tend to choose the worst possible
37990 (Rugby players eat their dead.)
37991 (Blood makes the grass grow!)
37992 (Support your local hooker! Play rugby!)
37994 [A "hooker" is part of the scrum. Thought you'd want to know. Ed.]
38000 The Boss is always right.
38003 If the Boss is wrong, see Rule #1.
38005 Rule #7: Silence is not acquiescence.
38006 Contrary to what you may have heard, silence of those present is
38007 not necessarily consent, even the reluctant variety. They simply may
38008 sit in stunned silence and figure ways of sabotaging the plan after they
38009 regain their composure.
38011 Rule of Creative Research:
38012 1) Never draw what you can copy.
38013 2) Never copy what you can trace.
38014 3) Never trace what you can cut out and paste down.
38016 Rule of Defactualization:
38017 Information deteriorates upward through bureaucracies.
38019 Rule of Feline Frustration:
38020 When your cat has fallen asleep on your lap and looks utterly
38021 content and adorable, you will suddenly have to go to the
38024 Rule of Life #1 -- Never get separated from your luggage.
38027 When people you greatly admire appear to be thinking deep
38028 thoughts, they probably are thinking about lunch.
38030 Rule the Empire through force.
38033 Rules for driving in New York:
38034 1) Anything done while honking your horn is legal.
38035 2) You may park anywhere if you turn your four-way flashers on.
38036 3) A red light means the next six cars may go through the
38039 Rules for Good Grammar #4.
38040 1: Don't use no double negatives.
38041 2: Make each pronoun agree with their antecedents.
38042 3: Join clauses good, like a conjunction should.
38043 4: About them sentence fragments.
38044 5: When dangling, watch your participles.
38045 6: Verbs has got to agree with their subjects.
38046 7: Just between you and i, case is important.
38047 8: Don't write run-on sentences when they are hard to read.
38048 9: Don't use commas, which aren't necessary.
38049 10: Try to not ever split infinitives.
38050 11: It is important to use your apostrophe's correctly.
38051 12: Proofread your writing to see if you any words out.
38052 13: Correct speling is essential.
38053 14: A preposition is something you never end a sentence with.
38054 15: While a transcendent vocabulary is laudable, one must be eternally
38055 careful so that the calculated objective of communication does not
38056 become ensconced in obscurity. In other words, eschew obfuscation.
38059 Avoid run-on sentences they are hard to read. Don't use no double
38060 negatives. Use the semicolon properly, always use it where it is appropriate;
38061 and never where it isn't. Reserve the apostrophe for it's proper use and
38062 omit it when its not needed. No sentence fragments. Avoid commas, that are
38063 unnecessary. Eschew dialect, irregardless. And don't start a sentence with
38064 a conjunction. Hyphenate between sy-llables and avoid un-necessary hyphens.
38065 Write all adverbial forms correct. Don't use contractions in formal writing.
38066 Writing carefully, dangling participles must be avoided. It is incumbent on
38067 us to avoid archaisms. Steer clear of incorrect forms of verbs that have
38068 snuck in the language. Never, ever use repetitive redundancies. If I've
38069 told you once, I've told you a thousand times, resist hyperbole. Also,
38070 avoid awkward or affected alliteration. Don't string too many prepositional
38071 phrases together unless you are walking through the valley of the shadow of
38072 death. "Avoid overuse of 'quotation "marks."'"
38074 RULES OF EATING -- THE BRONX DIETER'S CREED
38075 1. Never eat on an empty stomach.
38076 2. Never leave the table hungry.
38077 3. When traveling, never leave a country hungry.
38078 4. Enjoy your food.
38079 5. Enjoy your companion's food.
38080 6. Really taste your food. It may take several portions to
38081 accomplish this, especially if subtly seasoned.
38082 7. Really feel your food. Texture is important. Compare, for
38083 example, the texture of a turnip to that of a brownie.
38084 Which feels better against your cheeks?
38085 8. Never eat between snacks, unless it's a meal.
38086 9. Don't feel you must finish everything on your plate. You can
38087 always eat it later.
38088 10. Avoid any wine with a childproof cap.
38089 11. Avoid blue food.
38090 -- The Bronx Diet, "Richard Smith"
38092 Ruling a big country is like cooking a small fish.
38096 If you don't care where you are, you ain't lost.
38098 Russia has abolished God, but so far God has been more tolerant.
38099 -- John Cameron Swayze
38101 Ruth made a great mistake when he gave up pitching. Working once a week,
38102 he might have lasted a long time and become a great star.
38103 -- Tris Speaker, commenting on Babe Ruth's plan to change
38104 from being a pitcher to an outfielder.
38105 Cerf/Navasky, "The Experts Speak"
38108 Make three correct guesses consecutively
38109 and you will establish yourself as an expert.
38111 Sacher's Observation:
38112 Some people grow with responsibility -- others merely swell.
38114 Sacred cows make great hamburgers.
38117 A sadist refusing to whip a masochist.
38119 sadoequinecrophilia, n:
38120 Beating a dead horse.
38124 Safety Tips for the Post-Nuclear Existence
38125 Tip #1: How to tell when you are dead.
38127 1. Little things start bothering you: little things like worms,
38129 2. Something is missing in your personal relationships.
38130 3. Your dog becomes overly affectionate.
38131 4. You have a hard time getting a waiter.
38132 5. Exotic birds flock around you.
38133 6. People ignore you at parties.
38134 7. You have a hard time getting up in the morning.
38135 8. You no longer get off on cocaine.
38137 SAGDEEV CALLED ON THE U.S. TO MAKE A RECIPROCAL GESTURE:
38139 In a recent speech in London, the irrepressible former head of the
38140 Soviet Space Research Institute noted that the Soviet Government has offered
38141 to convert its gigantic Krasnoyarsk radar in Siberia into an international
38142 space research facility in response to U.S. complaints that the radar would
38143 violate the ABM treaty. Sagdeev suggested that the U.S. reciprocate by
38144 turning the unfinished U.S. embassy in Moscow into a nuclear crisis reduction
38145 center. The communication system, he pointed out, is already in place.
38147 SAGITTARIUS (Nov 22 - Dec 21)
38148 You are optimistic and enthusiastic. You have a reckless
38149 tendency to rely on luck since you lack talent. The majority of
38150 Sagitarians are drunks or dope fiends or both. People laugh at
38153 SAGITTARIUS (Nov. 22 to Dec. 21)
38154 Move slowly today, be deliberate. Indications are for bleeding
38155 ulcers. Drink milk. Try not to be your usual offensive and
38156 obnoxious self. Call your mother.
38158 SAGITTARIUS (Nov.22 - Dec.21)
38159 Your efforts to help a little old lady cross a street will
38160 backfire when you learn that she was waiting for a bus. Subdue
38161 impulse you have to push her out into traffic.
38163 Said the attractive, cigar-smoking housewife to her girl-friend: "I
38164 got started one night when George came home and found one burning in
38167 Sailing is fun, but scrubbing the decks is aardvark.
38168 -- Heard on Noahs' ark
38170 Sailors in ships, sail on!
38171 Even while we died, others rode out the storm.
38173 Saints should always be judged guilty until they are proved innocent.
38174 -- George Orwell, "Reflections on Gandhi"
38176 Saliva causes cancer, but only if swallowed
38177 in small amounts over a long period of time.
38180 Sally: C'mon, Ted, all I'm asking you to do is share your feelings
38182 Ted: ALL? Do you realize what you're asking? Men aren't trained
38183 to share. We're trained to protect ourselves by not
38184 letting anyone too close. Good grief, if I go around
38185 sharing everything with you, you could hang me out to dry.
38186 Sally: It's called "trust," Ted.
38187 Ted: "Sharing"? "Trust"? You're really asking me to sail into
38188 uncharted waters here.
38191 Sam: What do you know there, Norm?
38192 Norm: How to sit. How to drink. Want to quiz me?
38193 -- Cheers, Loverboyd
38195 Sam: Hey, how's life treating you there, Norm?
38196 Norm: Beats me. ... Then it kicks me and leaves me for dead.
38197 -- Cheers, Loverboyd
38199 Woody: How would a beer feel, Mr. Peterson?
38200 Norm: Pretty nervous if I was in the room.
38201 -- Cheers, Loverboyd
38203 Sam: What's the good word, Norm?
38204 Norm: Plop, plop, fizz, fizz.
38205 Sam: Oh no, not the Hungry Heifer...
38206 Norm: Yeah, yeah, yeah...
38207 Sam: One heartburn cocktail coming up.
38208 -- Cheers, I'll Gladly Pay You Tuesday
38210 Sam: Whaddya say, Norm?
38211 Norm: Well, I never met a beer I didn't drink. And down it goes.
38212 -- Cheers, Love Thy Neighbor
38214 Woody: What's your pleasure, Mr. Peterson?
38215 Norm: Boxer shorts and loose shoes. But I'll settle for a beer.
38216 -- Cheers, The Bar Stoolie
38218 Sam: What do you say, Norm?
38219 Norm: Any cheap, tawdry thing that'll get me a beer.
38220 -- Cheers, Birth, Death, Love and Rice
38222 Sam: What do you say to a beer, Normie?
38223 Norm: Hiya, sailor. New in town?
38224 -- Cheers, Woody Goes Belly Up
38226 Norm: [coming in from the rain] Evening, everybody.
38227 All: Norm! (Norman.)
38228 Sam: Still pouring, Norm?
38229 Norm: That's funny, I was about to ask you the same thing.
38230 -- Cheers, Diane's Nightmare
38232 Sam: What's going on, Normie?
38233 Norm: My birthday, Sammy. Give me a beer, stick a candle in
38234 it, and I'll blow out my liver.
38235 -- Cheers, Where Have All the Floorboards Gone
38237 Woody: Hey, Mr. P. How goes the search for Mr. Clavin?
38238 Norm: Not as well as the search for Mr. Donut.
38239 Found him every couple of blocks.
38240 -- Cheers, Head Over Hill
38242 Sam: What's new, Norm?
38243 Norm: Most of my wife.
38244 -- Cheers, The Spy Who Came in for a Cold One
38247 Norm: Naah, I'd probably just drink it.
38248 -- Cheers, Now Pitching, Sam Malone
38250 Coach: What's doing, Norm?
38251 Norm: Well, science is seeking a cure for thirst. I happen
38252 to be the guinea pig.
38253 -- Cheers, Let Me Count the Ways
38256 Four million people, where you can't get a
38257 good cheeseburger, no matter how hard you try.
38260 Marcel Proust editing an issue of Penthouse.
38262 San Francisco has always been my favorite booing city. I don't mean the
38263 people boo louder or longer, but there is a very special intimacy. When
38264 they boo you, you know they mean *you*. Music, that's what it is to me.
38265 One time in Kezar Stadium they gave me a standing boo.
38266 -- George Halas, professional footbal coach
38268 San Francisco isn't what it used to be, and it never was.
38271 Sanity and insanity overlap a fine grey line.
38273 Sank heaven for leetle curls.
38275 Santa Claus is watching!
38277 Santa Claus wears a red suit
38280 He has long hair and a beard
38281 Must be a pacifist.
38283 And what's in the pipe that he's smoking?
38285 Santa Claus comes in your house at night.
38286 He must be a dope fiend to get you up tight.
38288 Why do police guys beat on peace guys?
38289 -- Arlo Guthrie, "The Pause of Mr. Claus"
38292 SANTA IS BRINGING GOOD WISHES FROM ALL THE
38293 MICRO ARTISTS GANG! MAY 1988 BE A HAPPY YEAR!
38298 :.______ : .:* : . _ .: :.. . : . . : ()_ .:
38299 (( \. :./(__ :._O_)________:______,____:____/ *\_o
38300 ====(( \: (****) (***) :. ...: .. . ()_______/\\ __-'
38301 \____(( \ ()oo()_/ /.: : ..________/_____ll -/.: ..
38302 ( (( \(())))__/ . .. \\.: ..( ) ll ( l_.:
38303 ( / (( \__*__)___:___ : : )) .) /--------\ \ \
38304 ( / ((_____________) .. // . / / /..:: . )_)_\
38305 (____/_____________________\__// : /_/_/ :.. :/_/ \_\
38306 /_/_/_/_/_/_/_/_/_/_/_/_/_/_/_/ /_/_/
38310 Santa's elves are just a bunch of subordinate Clauses.
38312 Satellite Safety Tip #14:
38313 If you see a bright streak in the sky coming at you, duck.
38315 Satire does not look pretty upon a tombstone.
38317 Satire is tragedy plus time.
38320 Satire is what closes in New Haven.
38322 Satire is what closes Saturday night.
38326 It works better if you plug it in.
38328 Saturday night in Toledo Ohio,
38329 Is like being nowhere at all,
38330 All through the day how the hours rush by,
38331 You sit in the park and you watch the grass die.
38332 -- John Denver, "Saturday Night in Toledo Ohio"
38334 Satyrs have more faun.
38336 Savage's Law of Expediency:
38337 You want it bad, you'll get it bad.
38339 Save a little money each month and at the end of the year you'll be
38340 surprised at how little you have.
38343 Save energy: Drive a smaller shell.
38345 Save energy: be apathetic.
38347 Save gas, don't eat beans.
38349 Save gas, don't use the shell.
38353 Save the whales. Collect the whole set.
38355 Save yourself! Reboot in 5 seconds!
38357 Say! You've struck a heap of trouble--
38358 Bust in business, lost your wife;
38359 No one cares a cent about you,
38360 You don't care a cent for life;
38361 Hard luck has of hope bereft you,
38362 Health is failing, wish you'd die--
38363 Why, you've still the sunshine left you
38364 And the big blue sky.
38367 Say it with flowers,
38368 Or say it with mink,
38369 But whatever you do,
38370 Don't say it with ink!
38373 Say many of cameras focused t'us,
38374 Our middle-aged shots do us justice.
38375 No justice, please, curse ye!
38376 We really want mercy:
38377 You see, 'tis the justice, disgusts us.
38378 -- Thomas H. Hildebrandt
38380 Say my love is easy had,
38381 Say I'm bitten raw with pride,
38382 Say I am too often sad --
38383 Still behold me at your side.
38385 Say I'm neither brave nor young,
38386 Say I woo and coddle care,
38387 Say the devil touched my tongue,
38388 Still you have my heart to wear.
38390 But say my verses do not scan,
38391 And I get me another man!
38392 -- Dorothy Parker, "Fighting Words"
38394 Say no, then negotiate.
38397 Say something you'll be sorry for, I love receiving apologies.
38399 Say "twenty-three-skiddoo" to logout.
38401 SCCS, the source motel! Programs check in and never check out!
38405 An imagined sequence of events that provides the context in
38406 which a business decision is made. Scenarios always come in
38407 sets of three: best case, worst case, and just in case.
38409 Scenary is here, wish you were beautiful.
38412 A small boy stands agasp on the stairway overlooking the living
38413 room. A rather largish man in a big red suit with white fur and red and
38414 white belled cap hunches over the fireplace, obviously interrupted in
38415 filling stockings with packages taken from a huge bag slung over his
38416 shoulder. His eyebrows are raised, matter-of-factly, as he spies the boy
38417 intently watching him.
38420 "I'm sorry you've seen me, Billy. Now I'll have to kill you.
38422 Schapiro's Explanation:
38423 The grass is always greener on the other side --
38424 but that's because they use more manure.
38426 Schizophrenia beats being alone.
38429 The window shade that allows itself to be pulled down,
38430 hesitates for a second, then snaps up in your face.
38431 -- Rich Hall, "Sniglets"
38433 Schmidt's Observation:
38434 All things being equal, a fat person uses more soap
38435 than a thin person.
38437 Science and religion are in full accord but
38438 science and faith are in complete discord.
38440 Science Fiction, Double Feature.
38441 Frank has built and lost his creature.
38442 Darkness has conquered Brad and Janet.
38443 The servants gone to a distant planet.
38445 At the late night, double feature, Picture show.
38446 I want to go, oh, oh, oh.
38447 To the late night, double feature, Picture show.
38448 -- Rocky Horror Picture Show
38450 Science is built up of facts, as a house is with stones. But a
38451 collection of facts is no more a science than a heap of stones
38453 -- Jules Henri Poincare
38455 Science is to computer science as hydrodynamics is to plumbing.
38457 Science is what happens when preconception meets verification.
38459 Science may someday discover what faith has always known.
38461 Science! true daughter of Old Time thou art!
38462 Who alterest all things with thy peering eyes.
38463 Why preyest thou thus upon the poet's heart,
38464 Vulture, whose wings are dull realities?
38465 How should he love thee? or how deem thee wise?
38466 Who wouldst not leave him in his wandering
38467 To seek for treasure in the jewelled skies,
38468 Albeit he soared with an undaunted wing?
38469 Hast thou not dragged Diana from her car?
38470 And driven the Hamadryad from the wood
38471 To seek a shelter in some happier star?
38472 Hast thou not torn the Naiad from her flood,
38473 The Elfin from the green grass, and from me
38474 The summer dream beneath the tamarind tree?
38475 -- Edgar Allen Poe, "Science, a Sonnet"
38477 Scientists still know less about what attracts men
38478 than they do about what attracts mosquitoes.
38479 -- Dr. Joyce Brothers,
38480 "What Every Woman Should Know About Men"
38482 Scientists were preparing an experiment to ask the ultimate question.
38483 They had worked for months gathering one each of every computer that
38484 was built. Finally the big day was at hand. All the computers were
38485 linked together. They asked the question, "Is there a God?". Lights
38486 started blinking, flashing and blinking some more. Suddenly, there
38487 was a loud crash, and a bolt of lightning came down from the sky,
38488 struck the computers, and welded all the connections permanently
38489 together. "There is now", came the reply.
38491 Scintillate, scintillate, globule vivific,
38492 Fain how I pause at your nature specific,
38493 Loftily poised in the ether capacious,
38494 Highly resembling a gem carbonaceous.
38495 Scintillate, scintillate, globule vivific,
38496 Fain how I pause at your nature specific.
38498 Scintillation is not always identification for an auric substance.
38500 SCORPIO (Oct 23 - Nov 21)
38501 You are shrewd in business and cannot be trusted. You will achieve
38502 the pinnacle of success because of your total lack of ethics. Most
38503 Scorpio people are murdered.
38505 SCORPIO (Oct. 23 to Nov. 21)
38506 Friends abound today, seeking repayment of past loans. Smile. Check
38507 for concealed weapons. Your natural cheerfulness makes others want
38508 to throw up. Knock it off.
38510 SCORPIO (Oct.24 - Nov.21)
38511 You will receive word today that you are eligible to win a million
38512 dollars in prizes. It will be from a magazine trying to get you to
38513 subscribe, and you're just dumb enough to think you've got a chance
38514 to win. You never learn.
38517 No matter what goes wrong, it will probably look right.
38519 Scott's Second Law:
38520 When an error has been detected and corrected, it will be found
38521 to have been wrong in the first place.
38523 After the correction has been found in error, it will be
38524 impossible to fit the original quantity back into the
38527 Scotty: Captain, we din' can reference it!
38528 Kirk: Analysis, Mr. Spock?
38529 Spock: Captain, it doesn't appear in the symbol table.
38530 Kirk: Then it's of external origin?
38531 Spock: Affirmative.
38532 Kirk: Mr. Sulu, go to pass two.
38533 Sulu: Aye aye, sir, going to pass two.
38535 Scratch the disks, dump the core, Shut it down, pull the plug
38536 Roll the tapes across the floor, Give the core an extra tug
38537 And the system is going to crash. And the system is going to crash.
38538 Teletypes smashed to bits. Mem'ry cards, one and all,
38539 Give the scopes some nasty hits Toss out halfway down the hall
38540 And the system is going to crash. And the system is going to crash.
38541 And we've also found Just flip one switch
38542 When you turn the power down, And the lights will cease to twitch
38543 You turn the disk readers into trash. And the tape drives will crumble
38544 Oh, it's so much fun, in a flash.
38545 Now the CPU won't run When the CPU
38546 And the system is going to crash. Can print nothing out but "foo,"
38547 The system is going to crash.
38548 -- To The Caissons Go Rolling Along
38552 Roll the tapes across the floor!
38554 Screw up your courage! You've screwed up everything else.
38557 The blank area on the back of credit cards where one's signature goes.
38558 -- "Sniglets", Rich Hall & Friends
38560 'Scuse me, while I kiss the sky!
38561 -- Robert James Marshall (Jimi) Hendrix
38563 Sears has everything.
38565 Seattle is so wet that people protect their property with watch-ducks.
38567 Second Law of Business Meetings:
38568 If there are two possible ways to spell a person's name, you
38569 will pick the wrong one.
38572 If there is only one way to spell a name,
38573 you will spell it wrong, anyway.
38575 Second Law of Final Exams:
38576 In your toughest final -- for the first time all year -- the most
38577 distractingly attractive student in the class will sit next to you.
38579 Secrecy is the beginning of tyranny.
38581 Secretary's Revenge:
38582 Filing almost everything under "the".
38584 Security check:
\a\a\aINTRUDER ALERT!
38586 Sed quis custodiet ipsos Custodes?
38587 [Who guards the Guardians?]
38589 Seduced, shaggy Samson snored.
38590 She scissored short. Sorely shorn,
38591 Soon shackled slave, Samson sighed,
38593 Sightlessly seeking
38594 Some savage, spectacular suicide.
38597 See, these two penguins walked into a bar, which was really stupid, 'cause
38598 the second one should have seen it.
38600 Seeing a commotion in Harvard Square, a man strolled over and asked what
38601 was going on. One of the onlookers explained to him that there was a Mooney
38602 who had immersed himself in gasoline and was threatening to set fire to
38603 himself to demonstrate his commitment to the Rev. Moon. The man gasped and
38604 asked what was being done to defuse the obviously dangerous situation.
38605 "Well", replied the onlooker, "we're taking up a collection -- so
38606 far I've got two Bics, four Zippos and eighteen books of matches."
38608 Seeing is believing.
38609 You wouldn't have seen it if you hadn't believed it.
38611 Seeing is deceiving. It's eating that's believing.
38614 Seeing that death, a necessary end,
38615 Will come when it will come.
38616 -- William Shakespeare, "Julius Caesar"
38618 Seek simplicity -- and distrust it.
38619 -- Alfred North Whitehead
38621 Seems a computer engineer, a systems analyst, and a programmer were
38622 driving down a mountain when the brakes gave out. They screamed down the
38623 mountain, gaining speed, but finally managed to grind to a halt, more by
38624 luck than anything else, just inches from a thousand foot drop to jagged
38625 rocks. They all got out of the car:
38626 The computer engineer said, "I think I can fix it."
38627 The systems analyst said, "No, no, I think we should take it
38628 into town and have a specialist look at it."
38629 The programmer said, "OK, but first I think we should get back
38630 in and see if it does it again."
38632 Seems like this duck waddles into a pharmacy, waddles up to the prescription
38633 counter and rings the bell. The pharmacist walks up and asks, "Can I help
38635 The duck replies, "Yes, I'd like a box of condoms, please."
38636 "Certainly", says the pharmacist, "will that be cash or would
38637 you like me to put it on your bill?"
38638 Snarls the duck, "Just what kind of duck do you think I am?"
38640 Seems like this farmer purchased an old, run-down, abandoned farm with plans
38641 to turn it into a thriving enterprise. The fields are grown over with weeds,
38642 the farmhouse is falling apart, and the fences are collapsing all around.
38643 During his first day of work, the town preacher stops by to bless the man's
38644 work, praying, "May you and God work together to make this the farm of your
38646 A few months later, the preacher stops by again to call on the farmer.
38647 Lo and behold, it's like a completely different place -- the farm house is
38648 completely rebuilt and in excellent condition, there is plenty of cattle and
38649 other livestock happily munching on feed in well-fenced pens, and the fields
38650 are filled with crops planted in neat rows. "Amazing!" the preacher says.
38651 "Look what God and you have accomplished together!"
38652 "Yes, reverend," replies the farmer, "but remember what the farm was
38653 like when God was working it alone!"
38655 Seems like this guy wanders into a rural outfitting store in Alaska,
38656 and starts talking to a rather grizzled old man sitting by the cash
38658 "Hear ya got a lotta' bears 'round here?"
38659 "Yeah, you could say that," answers the old man.
38662 "Got any bear bells?"
38664 "You know, them little dingle-bells ya put on yer backpack so
38665 bears know yer there so's they can run away ... I'll take one fer black
38666 bears, and one fer them grizzlies. Say, how do you know yer in grizzly
38668 "Look fer scatt. Grizzly scatt's different from black bear scatt."
38669 "Well now, what's IN grizzly scatt that's different?"
38672 Seems that a pollster was taking a worldwide opinion poll.
38673 Her question was, "Excuse me; what's your opinion on the meat shortage?"
38675 In Texas, the answer was "What's a shortage?"
38676 In Poland, the answer was "What's meat?"
38677 In the Soviet Union, the answer was "What's an opinion?"
38678 In New York City, the answer was "What's excuse me?"
38680 Seems this fellow was suffering from terrific headaches, and went to his
38681 doctor about it. The physician made a number of tests, and informed the man
38682 that the only thing for his headaches was castration. After a few more
38683 months, the headaches became so intense that the man agreed to the operation.
38684 Naturally enough, the ruination of his sex life depressed him tremendously,
38685 and he decided to purchase a new wardrobe to make himself feel better.
38686 He enters a men's clothing store and a salesman wanders over, looks him
38687 up and down, and says, "Well, let's start with shirts... 15 neck, 34 sleeve."
38688 The guy is amazed. "How'd you know?"
38689 "Well, I've been here nearly 30 years, and I can tell sizes within
38690 a quarter inch on every piece of clothing." The salesman's claim is borne
38691 out. Slacks, 34 waist, 32 inseam; jacket: 42 long. And so on and so forth.
38692 When the man has been completely outfitted he decides that he'd better buy
38693 some new underwear.
38694 The salesman looks at him and says, "Okay, that'll be a 34."
38695 "No, that's wrong," says the man. "I've always worn a 32." The
38696 salesman insists, pointing out his accuracy so far. The man argues, agreeing
38697 that while he's been right so far, he has always worn a 32 in shorts.
38698 Finally in exasperation, the salesman says, "Listen, I tell you,
38699 you *have* to wear a 34. Otherwise, you'll get these *awful* headaches."
38701 Seems this guy showed up at a party, and all of his friends jumped for
38702 Joy. But she sidestepped, and they missed.
38704 Seize the day, put no trust in the morrow!
38705 -- Quintus Horatius Flaccus (Horace)
38707 Seleznick's Theory of Holistic Medicine:
38708 Ice Cream cures all ills. Temporarily.
38712 SEMPER UBI SUB UBI!!!!
38714 Send some filthy mail.
38716 Sendmail may be safely run set-user-id to root.
38717 -- Eric Allman, "Sendmail Installation Guide"
38720 The state of mind of elderly persons
38721 with whom one happens to disagree.
38723 Senor Castro has been accused of communist sympathies, but this means very
38724 little since all opponents of the regime are automatically called communists.
38725 In fact he is further to the right than General Batista.
38726 -- "Cuba's Rightist Rebel", The Economist, April 26, 1958
38728 Sentient plasmoids are a gas.
38730 Sentimentality -- that's what we call the sentiment we don't share.
38734 The process by which human knowledge is advanced.
38739 Serocki's Stricture:
38740 Marriage is always a bachelor's last option.
38742 Serving coffee on aircraft causes turbulence.
38744 Set the cart before the horse.
38747 Several years ago, an international chess tournament was being held in a
38748 swank hotel in New York. Most of the major stars of the chess world were
38749 there, and after a grueling day of chess, the players and their entourages
38750 retired to the lobby of the hotel for a little refreshment. In the lobby,
38751 some players got into a heated argument about who was the brightest, the
38752 fastest, and the best chess player in the world. The argument got quite
38753 loud, as various players claimed that honor. At that point, a security
38754 guard in the lobby turned to another guard and commented, "If there's
38755 anything I just can't stand, it's chess nuts boasting in an open foyer."
38757 Sex and drugs and rock and roll,
38758 Is all my brain and body need.
38759 Sex and drugs and rock and roll,
38760 Are very good indeed.
38762 Take your silly ways,
38763 Throw them out the window,
38764 The wisdom of your ways,
38765 I've been there and I know,
38766 Lots of other ways...
38767 -- Ian Drury, "New Boots and Panties"
38769 Sex discriminates against the shy and ugly.
38771 Sex hasn't been the same since women started enjoying it.
38774 Sex is about as important as a cheese sandwich. But a cheese sandwich,
38775 if you ain't got one to put in your belly, is extremely important.
38778 Sex is an emotion in motion.
38781 "Sex is as honest a product benefit for fragrance [perfume] as taste is
38783 -- Malcolm DacDougall
38785 Sex is good, but not as good as fresh sweet corn.
38786 -- Garrison Keillor
38788 Sex is like pizza -- when it's good, it's great; and when it's bad,
38789 it's still darn tasty!
38791 Sex is one of the nine reasons for reincarnation... The other eight are
38795 Sex is the mathematics urge sublimated.
38798 Sex: the thing that takes up the least amount of time and causes the
38799 most amount of trouble.
38802 Sex without class consciousness cannot give satisfaction, even if it is
38803 repeated until infinity.
38804 -- Aldo Brandirali (Secretary of the Italian Marxist-Leninist
38805 Party), in a manual of the party's official sex guidelines,
38808 Sex without love is an empty experience, but,
38809 as empty experiences go, it's one of the best.
38812 Sexual enlightenment is justified insofar as girls cannot learn too soon
38813 how children do not come into the world.
38816 Shah, shah! Ayatulla you so!
38818 Shall we make a new rule of life from tonight:
38819 always to try to be a little kinder than is necessary?
38822 Shame is an improper emotion invented by
38823 pietists to oppress the human race.
38824 -- Robert Preston, Toddy, "Victor/Victoria"
38826 Shannon's Observation
38827 Nothing is so frustrating as a bad situation
38828 that is beginning to improve.
38831 To give in, endure humiliation.
38834 Build a system that even a fool can use,
38835 and only a fool will want to use it.
38837 She always believed in the old adage -- leave them while you're looking
38839 -- Anita Loos, "Gentlemen Prefer Blondes"
38841 She applies her lipstick in spite of its contents: "greasy rouge,
38842 containing crushed and dried insect corpses for coloring, beeswax
38843 for stiffness, and olive oil to help it flow - the latter having
38844 the unfortunate tendency to go rancid several hours after use.
38846 In 1924 the New York Board of Health considered banning lipstick,
38847 not because it was hazardous to the wearers but because of "the
38848 worry that it might poison the men who kissed the women who wore it."
38849 -- David Bodanis, "The Secret House"
38851 She asked me, "What's your sign?"
38852 I blinked and answered "Neon,"
38853 I thought I'd blow her mind...
38855 She been married so many times
38856 she got rice marks all over her face.
38859 She blinded me with science!
38861 She can kill all your files;
38862 She can freeze with a frown.
38863 And a wave of her hand brings the whole system down.
38864 And she works on her code until ten after three.
38865 She lives like a bat but she's always a hacker to me.
38866 -- Apologies to Billy Joel
38868 She cried, and the judge wiped her tears with my checkbook.
38871 She has an alarm clock and a phone that don't ring - they applaud.
38873 She is descended from a long line that her mother listened to.
38876 She just came in, pounced around this thing with me for a few
38877 years, enjoyed herself, gave it a sort of beautiful quality and
38878 left. Excited a few men in the meantime.
38879 -- Patrick Macnee, reminiscing on Diana Rigg's
38880 involvement in "The Avengers".
38882 She missed an invaluable opportunity to give him
38883 a look that you could have poured on a waffle.
38885 She often gave herself very good advice
38886 (though she very seldom followed it).
38889 She ran the gamut of emotions from 'A' to 'B'.
38890 -- Dorothy Parker, on a Kate Hepburn performance
38892 She say, Miss Colie, You better hush. God might hear you.
38893 Let 'im hear me, I say. If he ever listened to poor colored
38894 women the world would be a different place, I can tell you.
38895 -- Alice Walker, "The Color Purple"
38897 She sells cshs by the cshore.
38899 She stood on the tracks
38901 Leading me to that third rail shock
38903 She changed her mind
38905 She gave me a night
38907 What will it take until I stop
38911 There's nothing else I can do
38912 'Cause I'm doing it all for Leyna
38913 I don't want anyone new
38914 'Cause I'm living it all for Leyna
38915 There's nothing in it for you
38916 'Cause I'm giving it all to Leyna
38917 -- Billy Joel, "All for Leyna" (Glass Houses)
38919 She was bred in ol' Kentucky
38920 But she's just a crumb up here
38921 She was knock-knee'd and double-jointed
38922 With a cauliflower ear
38923 Someday we will be married
38924 And if vegetables become too dear
38925 I'll just cut me a slice of
38926 Her cauliflower ear!
38927 -- Curly Howard, "The Three Stooges"
38929 She was good at playing abstract confusion in the same way a midget is
38930 good at being short.
38931 -- Clive James, on Marilyn Monroe
38933 She was only a moonshiner's daughter, but I love her still.
38935 She was only a mortician's daughter but anyone cadaver.
38937 She won' go Warp 7, Cap'n! The batteries are dead!
38940 All trails have more uphill sections
38941 than they have downhill sections.
38943 "Shelter", what a nice name for for a place where you polish your cat.
38945 Sheriff Chameleotoptor sighed with an air of weary sadness, and then
38946 turned to Doppelgutt and said 'The Senator must really have been on a
38947 bender this time -- he left a party in Cleveland, Ohio, at 11:30 last
38948 night, and they found his car this morning in the smokestack of a British
38949 aircraft carrier in the Formosa Straits.'
38950 -- Grand Panjandrum's Special Award, 1985 Bulwer-Lytton
38951 bad fiction contest.
38953 Sherry [Thomas Sheridan] is dull, naturally dull; but it must have taken
38954 him a great deal of pains to become what we now see him. Such an excess
38955 of stupidity, sir, is not in Nature.
38958 She's learned to say things with her eyes
38959 that others waste time putting into words.
38961 She's so tough she won't take 'yes' for an answer.
38963 She's such a kinky girl,
38964 The kind you don't take home to mother.
38965 She will never let your spirits down
38966 Once you get her off the street.
38968 She's the kind of girl who climbed the ladder of success wrong by wrong.
38971 Shhh... be vewy, vewy, quiet! I'm hunting wabbits...
38974 There is no problem a good miracle can't solve.
38977 Shift to the right,
38979 BYTE, BYTE, BYTE !!!
38982 SHIFT TO THE RIGHT!
38986 Ships are safe in harbor, but they were never meant to stay there.
38988 Shirley MacLaine died today in a freak psychic collision today. Two freaks
38989 in a van [Oh no!! It's the Copyright Police!!] Her aura-charred body was
38990 laid to rest after a eulogy by Jackie Collins, fellow member of SAFE [Society
38991 of Asinine Flake Entertainers]. Excerpted from some of his more quotable
38994 "Truly a woman of the times. These times, those times..."
38995 "A Renaissance woman. Why in 1432..."
38996 "A man for all seasons. Really..."
38998 After the ceremony, Shirley thanked her mourners and explained how delightful
38999 it was to "get it together" again, presumably referring to having her now dead
39000 body join her long dead brain.
39002 Sho' they got to have it against the law. Shoot, ever'body git high,
39003 they wouldn't be nobody git up and feed the chickens. Hee-hee.
39006 Short people get rained on last.
39008 Show business is just like high school, except you get paid.
39011 Show me a good loser in professional sports and I'll show you an idiot.
39012 Show me a good sportsman and I'll show you a player I'm looking to trade.
39015 Show me a man who is a good loser and I'll
39016 show you a man who playing golf with his boss.
39018 Show respect for age. Drink good Scotch for a change.
39020 Show your affection, which will probably meet with pleasant response.
39022 Showing up is 80% of life.
39025 Si Dieu n'existait pas, il faudrait l'inventer.
39028 Si jeunesse savait, si vieillesse pouvait.
39029 [If youth but knew, if old age but could.]
39032 Sic transit gloria Monday!
39034 Sic transit gloria mundi.
39035 [So passes away the glory of this world.]
39038 Sic Transit Gloria Thursdi.
39040 Sight is a faculty; seeing is an art.
39042 Sigmund's wife wore Freudian slips.
39044 Signs of crime: screaming or cries for help.
39045 -- The Brown University Security Crime Prevention Pamphlet
39047 Silence can be the biggest lie of all. We have a responsibility to speak
39048 up; and whenever the occasion calls for it, we have a responsibility to
39052 Silence is the element in which great things fashion themselves.
39055 Silence is the only virtue you have left.
39057 sillema sillema nika su
39058 [translation: look it up...hint-fin]
39060 Silly is a state of Mind, Stupid is a way of Life.
39062 Silly Sally was baby sitting. But Silly Sally was getting bored. Thinking
39063 a walk would help, she put the baby in his carriage. Silly Sally pushed the
39064 carriage and pushed the carriage up this hill and down that one. She pushed
39065 the carriage up the highest hill in town, and ALL OF A SUDDEN! It slipped out
39066 of her hands (OH! NO!) and it was headed at high speed for the busiest
39067 intersection in town. BUT!
39069 Silly Sally just laughed and la.....ug.......h....e....d...........
39070 BECAUSE! SHE KNEW THERE WAS A STOP SIGN AT THE BOTTOM OF THE HILL!
39072 Silly Sally was playing in the garage. And she was being disobedient.
39073 She was playing with matches... AND... She burned down the garage.
39074 (OHHHHHH) Silly Sally's mother said, "Silly Sally! You have been naughty!
39075 And when your father gets home, you are going to get a good licking!" BUT!
39077 Silly Sally just laughed and la.....ug.......h....e....d...........
39078 BECAUSE! SHE KNEW HER FATHER WAS IN THE GARAGE WHEN SHE BURNED IT DOWN!
39081 If Murphy's Law can go wrong, it will.
39084 Everything put together falls apart sooner or later.
39086 Simplicity does not precede complexity, but follows it.
39088 Simulations are like miniskirts, they show a lot and hide the essentials.
39094 Sin has many tools, but a lie is the handle which fits them all.
39096 Sin lies only in hurting other people unnecessarily.
39097 All other "sins" are invented nonsense.
39098 (Hurting yourself is not sinful -- just stupid).
39101 Since a politician never believes what he says, he is surprised
39102 when others believe him.
39103 -- Charles DeGaulle
39105 Since aerosols are forbidden, the police are using roll-on Mace!
39107 Since before the Earth was formed and before the sun burned hot in space,
39108 cosmic forces of inexorable power have been working relentlessly toward
39109 this moment in space-time -- your receiving this fortune.
39111 Since everything in life is but an experience perfect in being what it is,
39112 having nothing to do with good or bad, acceptance or rejection, one may well
39113 burst out in laughter.
39116 Since I hurt my pendulum
39117 My life is all erratic.
39118 My parrot who was cordial
39119 Is now transmitting static.
39120 The carpet died, a palm collapsed,
39121 The cat keeps doing poo.
39122 The only thing that keeps me sane
39123 Is talking to my shoe.
39126 Since we cannot hope for order, let us withdraw with style from the chaos.
39129 Since we have to speak well of the dead, let's knock them while they're
39133 Sink or Swim with Teddy!
39135 Sinners can repent, but stupid is forever.
39137 Sir, it's very possible this asteroid is not stable.
39140 [Sir Stafford Cripps] has all the virtues
39141 I dislike and none of the vices I admire.
39142 -- Winston Churchill
39144 Six days after the Creation, Adam was still alone in the Garden of
39145 Eden, and getting pretty desperate. "God!" he cried, "rescue me from
39146 loneliness and despair! Send some company for Your sake!"
39148 God replied "OK, I have just the thing. Keep you warm and relaxed all
39149 the days of your life. Never complains. Looks up to you in every way.
39150 It'll cost you though".
39152 "Sounds ideal" said Adam. "The society of the beasts of the field and
39153 the birds of the air palls after a while. What's the price?"
39155 "An arm and a leg", said God.
39157 Adam thought about it for a bit and finally sighed. "So, what can I get
39160 Skill without imagination is craftsmanship and gives us many useful
39161 objects such as wickerwork picnic baskets. Imagination without skill
39162 gives us modern art.
39165 Skinner's Constant (or Flannagan's Finagling Factor):
39166 That quantity which, when multiplied by, divided by, added to,
39167 or subtracted from the answer you got, gives you the answer you
39168 should have gotten.
39170 skldfjkl
\a\a\ajklsR%^&(IXDRTYju187pkasdjbasdfbuil
39171 h;asvgy8p 23r1vyui
\a135 2
39172 kmxsij90TYDFS$$b jkzxdjkl bjnk ;j nk;<[][;-==-<<<<<';[,
39173 [hjioasdvbnuio;buip^&(FTSD$%*VYUI:buio;sdf}[asdf']
39174 sdoihjfh(_YU*G&F^*CTY98y
39177 Now look what you've gone and done! You've broken it!
39179 Slang is language that takes off its coat,
39180 spits on its hands, and goes to work.
39182 Slaves are generally expected to sing as well as to work ... I did not, when
39183 a slave, understand the deep meanings of those rude, and apparently incoherent
39184 songs. I was myself within the circle, so that I neither saw nor heard as
39185 those without might see and hear. They told a tale which was then altogether
39186 beyond my feeble comprehension: they were tones, loud, long and deep,
39187 breathing the prayer and complaint of souls boiling over with the bitterest
39188 anguish. Every tone was a testimony against slavery, and a prayer to God
39189 for deliverance from chains.
39190 -- Frederick Douglass
39192 Sleep -- the most beautiful experience in life -- except drink.
39195 Sleep is for the weak and sickly.
39197 Slick's Three Laws of the Universe:
39198 1) Nothing in the known universe travels faster than a bad check.
39199 2) A quarter-ounce of chocolate = four pounds of fat.
39200 3) There are two types of dirt: the dark kind, which is
39201 attracted to light objects, and the light kind, which is
39202 attracted to dark objects.
39205 If you do a job too well, you'll get stuck with it.
39211 The slime that accumulates on the underside of a soap bar when it
39212 sits in the dish too long.
39213 -- "Sniglets", Rich Hall & Friends
39215 Small change can often be found under seat cushions.
39217 Small is beautiful.
39218 -- Schumacher's Dictum
39220 Small things make base men proud.
39221 -- William Shakespeare, "Henry VI"
39223 Smartness runs in my family. When I went to school I was so smart my
39224 teacher was in my class for five years.
39227 Smear the road with a runner!!
39229 Smile! You're on Candid Camera.
39231 Smile, Cthulu Loathes You.
39233 Smoking is, as far as I'm concerned, the entire point of being an adult.
39236 SMOKING IS NOW ALLOWED !!!
39237 Anyone wishing to smoke, however, must file, in triplicate, the
39238 U.S. government Environmental Impact Narrative Statement (EINS),
39239 describing in detail the type of combustion proposed, impact on
39240 the environment, and anticipated opposition. Statements must be
39241 filed 30 days in advance.
39243 Smoking is one of the leading causes of statistics.
39246 Smoking Prohibited. Absolutely no ifs, ands, or butts.
39248 Smuggling... It's not just a job, it's an adventure!
39249 -- paid for by your local Colombian recruiting office
39252 The peculiar habit, when searching for a snack, of constantly
39253 returning to the refrigerator in hopes that something new will
39255 -- "Sniglets", Rich Hall & Friends
39257 Snakes. Why did it have to be snakes?
39260 What you'd say if you had another chance.
39262 Snoopy: No problem is so big that it can't be run away from.
39264 Snow and adolescence are the only problems
39265 that disappear if you ignore them long enough.
39267 Snow Day -- stay home.
39269 Snow White has become a camera buff. She spends hours and hours
39270 shooting pictures of the seven dwarfs and their antics. Then she
39271 mails the exposed film to a cut rate photo service. It takes weeks
39272 for the developed film to arrive in the mail, but that is all right
39273 with Snow White. She clears the table, washes the dishes and sweeps
39274 the floor, all the while singing "Someday my prints will come."
39276 So... did you ever wonder, do garbagemen take showers before they
39279 So do the noble fall. For they are ever caught in a trap of their own making.
39280 A trap -- walled by duty, and locked by reality. Against the greater force
39281 they must fall -- for, against that force they fight because of duty, because
39282 of obligations. And when the noble fall, the base remain. The base -- whose
39283 only purpose is the corruption of what the noble did protect. Whose only
39284 purpose is to destroy. The noble: who, even when fallen, retain a vestige of
39285 strength. For theirs is a strength born of things other than mere force.
39286 Theirs is a strength supreme... theirs is the strength -- to restore.
39287 -- Gerry Conway, "Thor", #193
39289 So far as I can remember, there is not one
39290 word in the Gospels in praise of intelligence.
39291 -- Bertrand Russell
39293 So far as we are human, what we do must be either evil or good: so far
39294 as we do evil or good, we are human: and it is better, in a paradoxical
39295 way, to do evil than to do nothing: at least we exist.
39296 -- T.S. Eliot, essay on Baudelaire
39298 So from the depths of its enchantment, Terra was able to calculate a course
39299 of action. Here at last was an opportunity to consort with Dirbanu on a
39300 friendly basis -- great Durbanu which, since it had force fields which Earth
39301 could not duplicate, must of necessity have many other things Earth could
39302 use; mighty Durbanu before whom we would kneel in supplication (with purely-
39303 for-defense bombs hidden in our pockets) with lowered heads (making invisible
39304 the knife in our teeth) and ask for crumbs from their table (in order to
39305 extrapolate the location of their kitchens).
39306 -- T. Sturgeon, "The World Well Lost"
39308 So... how come the Corinthians never wrote back?
39310 So, if there's no God, who changes the water?
39311 -- New Yorker cartoon of two goldfish in a bowl
39313 So I'm ugly. So what? I never saw anyone hit with his face.
39316 So, is the glass half empty, half full, or just twice as
39317 large as it needs to be?
39319 So little time, so little to do.
39322 So live that you wouldn't be ashamed
39323 to sell the family parrot to the town gossip.
39325 So many beautiful women and so little time.
39328 So many men and so little time.
39330 So many men, so many opinions; every one his own way.
39331 -- Publius Terentius Afer (Terence)
39333 So many women, and so little time!
39335 So many women, so little nerve.
39337 So much food, and so little time!
39353 -- William Carlos Williams, "The Red Wheel Barrow"
39376 -- "To Linda", from The Poetry Of H. Ross Perot,
39377 composed for Linda Wertheimer of National Public Radio.
39378 From SPY Magazine, November 1992
39380 So she went into the garden to cut a cabbage leaf to make an apple pie;
39381 and at the same time a great she-bear, coming up the street pops its head
39382 into the shop. "What! no soap?" So he died, and she very imprudently
39383 married the barber; and there were present the Picninnies, and the Grand
39384 Panjandrum himself, with the little round button at top, and they all
39385 fell to playing the game of catch as catch can, till the gunpowder ran
39386 out at the heels of their boots.
39389 So so is good, very good, very excellent good:
39390 and yet it is not; it is but so so.
39391 -- William Shakespeare, "As You Like It"
39393 So... so you think you can tell
39395 Blue skies from pain? Did they get you to trade
39396 Can you tell a green field Your heroes for ghosts?
39397 From a cold steel rail? Hot ashes for trees?
39398 A smile from a veil? Hot air for a cool breeze?
39399 Do you think you can tell? Cold comfort for change?
39401 A walk on part in a war
39402 For the lead role in a cage?
39403 -- Pink Floyd, "Wish You Were Here"
39405 So the documentary-makers stick with sharks. Generally, their procedure is
39406 to scatter bleeding fish pieces around their boat, so as to infest the
39407 waters. I would estimate that the primary food source of sharks today is
39408 bleeding fish pieces scattered by people making documentaries. Once the
39409 sharks arrive, they are generally fairly listless. The general shark attitude
39410 seems to be: "Oh God, another documentary." So the divers have to somehow
39411 goad them into attacking, under the guise of Scientific Research. "We know
39412 very little about the effect of electricity on sharks," the narrator will
39413 say, in a deeply scientific voice. "That is why Todd is going to jab this
39414 Great White in the testicles with a cattle prod." The divers keep this kind
39415 of thing up until the shark finally gets irritated and snaps at them, and
39416 then they act as though this was a totally unexpected and very dangerous
39417 development, although clearly it is what they wanted all along.
39420 So this it it. We're going to die.
39422 So, what's with this guy Gideon, anyway?
39423 And why can't he ever remember his Bible?
39425 So, you better watch out!
39426 You better not cry!
39427 You better not pout!
39428 I'm telling you why,
39429 Santa Claus is coming, to town.
39431 He knows when you've been sleeping,
39432 He know when you're awake.
39433 He knows if you've been bad or good,
39434 He has ties with the CIA.
39437 "So you don't have to, Cindy, but I was wondering if you might
39438 want to go to someplace, you know, with me, sometime."
39439 "Well, I can think of a lot of worse things, David."
39441 "Why not, David, it might even be fun."
39442 -- Dating in Minnesota
39444 So you see Antonio, why worry about one little core dump, eh? In reality
39445 all core dumps happen at the same instant, so the core dump you will have
39446 tomorrow, why, it already happened. You see, it's just a little universal
39447 recursive joke which threads our lives through the infinite potential of
39448 the instant. So go to sleep, Antonio, your thread could break any moment
39449 and cast you out of the safe security of the instant into the dark void of
39450 eternity, the anti-time. So go to sleep...
39452 So you think that money is the root of all evil.
39453 Have you ever asked what is the root of money?
39456 So you're back... about time...
39458 Soap and education are not as sudden as a
39459 massacre, but they are more deadly in the long run.
39463 You have two cows. Give one to your neighbour.
39466 Give both to the government. The government gives you milk.
39468 You sell one cow and buy a bull.
39470 You have two cows. Give milk to the government.
39471 The government sells it.
39473 The government shoots you and takes the cows.
39475 The government shoots one cow,
39476 milks the other, and pours the milk down the sink.
39478 Keep the cows. Steal another one. Shoot the government.
39480 Freeze the milk. Embalm the cows.
39482 Software production is assumed to be a line function, but it is run
39483 like a staff function."
39486 Software suppliers are trying to make their software packages more
39487 "user-friendly". ... Their best approach, so far, has been to take all
39488 the old brochures, and stamp the words, "user-friendly" on the cover.
39489 -- Bill Gates, Microsoft, Inc.
39491 Soldiers who wish to be a hero
39492 Are practically zero,
39493 But those who wish to be civilians,
39494 They run into the millions.
39496 Solipsists of the World... you are already united.
39499 Solutions are obvious if one only has the
39500 optical power to observe them over the horizon.
39503 Some books are to be tasted, others to be swallowed,
39504 and some few to be chewed and digested.
39506 [As anyone who has ever owned a puppy already knows. Ed.]
39508 Some changes are so slow, you don't notice them.
39509 Others are so fast, they don't notice you.
39511 Some circumstantial evidence is very strong,
39512 as when you find a trout in the milk.
39515 Some husbands are living proof that a woman can take a joke.
39517 Some marriages are made in heaven -- but so are thunder and lightning.
39519 Some men are alive simply because it is against the law to kill them.
39522 Some men are all right in their place -- if they only the knew the right
39526 Some men are born mediocre, some men achieve mediocrity,
39527 and some men have mediocrity thrust upon them.
39528 -- Joseph Heller, "Catch-22"
39530 Some men are discovered; others are found out.
39532 Some men are heterosexual, and some are bisexual, and some men don't think
39533 about sex at all... they become lawyers.
39536 Some men are so interested in their wives continued happiness
39537 that they hire detectives to find out the reason for it.
39539 Some men are so macho they'll get you pregnant just to kill a rabbit.
39542 Some men feel that the only thing they owe
39543 the woman who marries them is a grudge.
39546 Some men love truth so much that they seem to be in continual fear
39547 lest she should catch a cold on overexposure.
39550 Some men rob you with a six-gun -- others with a fountain pen.
39553 Some men who fear that they are playing
39554 second fiddle aren't in the band at all.
39556 Some of my readers ask me what a "Serial Port" is.
39557 The answer is: I don't know.
39558 Is it some kind of wine you have with breakfast?
39560 Some of the most interesting documents from Sweden's middle ages are the
39561 old county laws (well, we never had counties but it's the nearest equivalent
39562 I can find for "landskap"). These laws were written down sometime in the
39563 13th century, but date back even down into Viking times. The oldest one is
39564 the Vastgota law which clearly has pagan influences, thinly covered with some
39565 Christian stuff. In this law, we find a page about "lekare", which is the
39566 Old Norse word for a performing artist, actor/jester/musician etc. Here is
39567 an approximate translation, where I have written "artist" as equivalent of
39569 "If an artist is beaten, none shall pay fines for it. If an artist
39570 is wounded, one such who goes with hurdie-gurdie or travels with
39571 fiddle or drum, then the people shall take a wild heifer and bring
39572 it out on the hillside. Then they shall shave off all hair from the
39573 heifer's tail, and grease the tail. Then the artist shall be given
39574 newly greased shoes. Then he shall take hold of the heifer's tail,
39575 and a man shall strike it with a sharp whip. If he can hold her, he
39576 shall have the animal. If he cannot hold her, he shall endure what
39577 he received, shame and wounds."
39579 Some of the things that live the longest
39580 in peoples' memories never really happened.
39582 Some of them want to use you,
39583 Some of them want to be used by you,
39584 ...Everybody's looking for something.
39587 Some of us are becoming the men we wanted to marry.
39590 Some parts of the past must be preserved,
39591 and some of the future prevented at all costs.
39593 Some people are afraid of heights. I'm afraid of widths.
39596 Some people around here wouldn't recognize
39597 subtlety if it hit them on the head.
39599 Some people call them "cars" or "trucks"; I call them "dimensional
39600 transmogrifiers" because they change three-dimensional cats into
39601 two-dimensional ones.
39602 -- F. Frederick Skitty
39604 Some people carve careers, others chisel them.
39606 Some people cause happiness wherever
39607 they go; others, whenever they go.
39609 Some people claim that the UNIX learning curve is steep,
39610 but at least you only have to climb it once.
39612 Some people have a great ambition: to build something
39613 that will last, at least until they've finished building it.
39615 Some people have a way about them that seems to say: "If I have
39616 only one life to live, let me live it as a jerk."
39618 Some people have no respect for age unless it's bottled.
39620 Some people have parts that are so private
39621 they themselves have no knowledge of them.
39623 Some people live life in the fast lane.
39624 You're in oncoming traffic.
39626 Some people manage by the book, even though they
39627 don't know who wrote the book or even what book.
39629 Some people need a good imaginary cure
39630 for their painful imaginary ailment.
39632 Some people only open up to tell you that they're closed.
39634 Some people pray for more than they are willing to work for.
39636 Some people say a front-engine car handles best. Some people say a
39637 rear-engine car handles best. I say a rented car handles best.
39640 Some peoples mouths work faster than their brains.
39641 They say things they haven't even thought of yet.
39643 Some rise by sin and some by virtue fall.
39645 Some say the world will end in fire,
39647 From what I've tasted of desire
39648 I hold with those who favor fire.
39649 But if it had to perish twice
39650 I think I know enough of hate
39651 To say that for destruction, ice
39654 -- Robert Frost, "Fire and Ice"
39656 Some scholars are like donkeys, they merely carry a lot of books.
39659 Some things have to be believed to be seen.
39661 Somebody left the cork out of my lunch.
39664 Somebody ought to cross ball point pens with coat hangers
39665 so that the pens will multiply instead of disappear.
39667 Somebody's moggy, by the side of the road,
39668 Somebody's pussy, who forgot his highway code,
39669 Somebody's favourite feline, who ran clean out of luck,
39670 When he ran onto the road, and tried to argue with a truck.
39672 Yesterday he purred and played, in his pussy paradise,
39673 Decapitating tweety birds, and masticating mice.
39674 Now he's just six pounds of raw mince meat,
39675 That don't smell very nice --
39676 He's nobody's moggy now.
39678 Oh you who love your pussy,
39679 Be sure to keep him in.
39680 Don't let him argue with a truck, If he tries to play
39681 The truck is bound to win. On the road way
39682 And upon the busy road, I'm afraid that will be that,
39683 Don't let him play or frolic. There will be one last despairing
39684 If you do, I'm warning you, "Meow!"
39685 It could be cat-astrophic! And a sort of squelchy Splat!
39686 And your pussy will be slightly dead,
39687 He's nobody's moggy -- And very, very flat!
39688 Just red and squashed and soggy --
39689 He's nobody's moggy now.
39690 -- Eric Bogle, "Scraps of Paper"
39692 Somebody's terminal is dropping bits.
39693 I found a pile of them over in the corner.
39695 Someday somebody has got to decide whether the
39696 typewriter is the machine, or the person who operates it.
39698 Someday, Weederman, we'll look back on all this and laugh... It will
39699 probably be one of those deep, eerie ones that slowly builds to a
39700 blood-curdling maniacal scream... but still it will be a laugh.
39703 Someday we'll look back on this moment and plow into a parked car.
39706 Someday you'll get your big chance -- or have you already had it?
39708 Someday your prints will come.
39711 Somehow I reached excess without ever noticing
39712 when I was passing through satisfaction.
39713 -- Ashleigh Brilliant
39715 Somehow, the world always affects you more than you affect it.
39717 Someone did a study of the three most-often-heard phrases in New York
39718 City. One is "Hey, taxi." Two is, "What train do I take to get to
39719 Bloomingdale's?" And three is, "Don't worry. It's just a flesh wound."
39722 Someone is speaking well of you.
39724 Someone is speaking well of you.
39727 Someone is unenthusiastic about your work.
39729 Someone whom you reject today, will reject you tomorrow.
39731 Someone will try to honk your nose today.
39733 Something better...
39735 1 (obvious): Excuse me. Is that your nose or did a bus park on your face?
39736 2 (meteorological): Everybody take cover. She's going to blow.
39737 3 (fashionable): You know, you could de-emphasize your nose if you wore
39738 something larger. Like ... Wyoming.
39739 4 (personal): Well, here we are. Just the three of us.
39740 5 (punctual): Alright gentlemen. Your nose was on time but you were fifteen
39742 6 (envious): Oooo, I wish I were you. Gosh. To be able to smell your
39744 7 (naughty): Pardon me, Sir. Some of the ladies have asked if you wouldn't
39745 mind putting that thing away.
39746 8 (philosophical): You know. It's not the size of a nose that's important.
39747 It's what's in it that matters.
39748 9 (humorous): Laugh and the world laughs with you. Sneeze and its goodbye
39750 10 (commercial): Hi, I'm Earl Schibe and I can paint that nose for $39.95.
39751 11 (polite): Ah. Would you mind not bobbing your head. The orchestra keeps
39753 12 (melodic): Everybody! "He's got the whole world in his nose."
39754 -- Steve Martin, "Roxanne"
39756 Something unpleasant is coming when men are anxious to tell the truth.
39757 -- Benjamin Disraeli
39759 Something's rotten in the state of Denmark.
39762 Sometime when you least expect it, Love will tap you on the shoulder...
39763 and ask you to move out of the way because it still isn't your turn.
39766 Sometimes a cigar is just a cigar.
39769 Sometimes a man who deserves to be looked down upon because he is a
39770 fool is despised only because he is a lawyer.
39773 Sometimes, at the end of the day, when I'm
39774 smiling and shaking their hands, I want to kick them.
39775 -- Richard M. Nixon
39777 Sometimes even to live is an act of courage.
39780 Sometimes I feel like I'm fading away,
39781 Looking at me, I got nothin' to say.
39782 Don't make me angry with the things games that you play,
39783 Either light up or leave me alone.
39785 Sometimes I get the feeling that I went to a party on Perry Lane in 1962, and
39786 the party spilled out of the house, and came down the street, and covered the
39790 Sometimes I live in the country,
39791 And sometimes I live in town.
39792 And sometimes I have a great notion,
39793 To jump in the river and drown.
39795 Sometimes I simply feel that the whole
39796 world is a cigarette and I'm the only ashtray.
39798 Sometimes I wonder if I'm in my right mind.
39799 Then it passes off and I'm as intelligent as ever.
39800 -- Samuel Beckett, "Endgame"
39802 Sometimes I worry about being a success in a mediocre world.
39805 Sometimes it happens. People just explode. Natural causes.
39808 Sometimes love ain't nothing but a misunderstanding between two fools.
39810 SOMETIMES THE BEAUTY OF THE WORLD is so overwhelming, I just want to throw
39811 back my head and gargle. Just gargle and gargle and I don't care who hears
39812 me because I am beautiful.
39813 -- Jack Handley, The New Mexican, 1988.
39815 Sometimes the best medicine is to stop taking something.
39817 Sometimes the light is all shining on me,
39818 Other times I can hardly see.
39819 Lately it occurs to me
39820 What a long strange trip it's been.
39821 -- The Grateful Dead, "American Beauty"
39823 Sometimes, too long is too long.
39826 Sometimes when I get up in the morning, I feel very peculiar. I feel
39827 like I've just got to bite a cat! I feel like if I don't bite a cat
39828 before sundown, I'll go crazy! But then I just take a deep breath and
39829 forget about it. That's what is known as real maturity.
39832 Sometimes, when I think of what that girl means
39833 to me, it's all I can do to keep from telling her.
39836 Sometimes when you look into his eyes you get the feeling that someone
39840 Sometimes you get an almost irresistible urge to go on living.
39842 Somewhere, just out of sight, the unicorns are gathering.
39844 Somewhere on this globe, every ten seconds, there is a
39845 woman giving birth to a child. She must be found and stopped.
39848 Somewhere, something incredible is waiting to be known.
39851 Son, someday a man is going to walk up to you with a deck of cards on which
39852 the seal is not yet broken. And he is going to offer to bet you that he can
39853 make the Ace of Spades jump out of the deck and squirt cider in your ears.
39854 But son, do not bet this man, for you will end up with a ear full of cider.
39855 -- Sky Masterson's Father
39857 Sooner or later you must pay for your sins.
39858 (Those who have already paid may disregard this cookie).
39862 Sorry never means having you're say to love.
39864 Space is big. You just won't believe how vastly, hugely, mind-bogglingly
39865 big it is. I mean, you may think it's a long way down the road to the
39866 drug store, but that's just peanuts to space.
39867 -- The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy
39869 Space is to place as eternity is to time.
39872 Space tells matter how to move and matter tells space how to curve.
39875 Space: the final frontier. These are the voyages of the starship Enterprise.
39876 Its five-year mission: to explore strange new worlds; to seek out new life
39877 and new civilizations; to boldly go where no man has gone before.
39878 -- Captain James T. Kirk
39881 Any of the millions of Styrofoam wads that accompany mail-order items.
39882 -- "Sniglets", Rich Hall & Friends
39884 Speak roughly to your little boy,
39885 And beat him when he sneezes:
39886 He only does it to annoy
39887 Because he knows it teases.
39891 I speak severely to my boy,
39892 And beat him when he sneezes:
39893 For he can thoroughly enjoy
39894 The pepper when he pleases!
39898 Speak roughly to your little Vax,
39899 And boot it when it crashes;
39900 It knows that one cannot relax
39901 Because the paging thrashes!
39903 I speak severely to my Vax,
39904 And boot it when it crashes;
39905 In spite of all my favorite hacks,
39906 My jobs it always trashes!
39908 Speak softly and carry a +6 two-handed sword.
39910 "Speak, thou vast and venerable head," muttered Ahab, "which, though
39911 ungarnished with a beard, yet here and there lookest hoary with mosses; speak,
39912 mighty head, and tell us the secret thing that is in thee. Of all divers,
39913 thou has dived the deepest. That head upon which the upper sun now gleams has
39914 moved amid the world's foundations. Where unrecorded names and navies rust,
39915 and untold hopes and anchors rot; where in her murderous hold this frigate
39916 earth is ballasted with bones of millions of the drowned; there, in that awful
39917 water-land, there was thy most familiar home. Thou hast been where bell or
39918 diver never went; has slept by many a sailer's side, where sleepless mothers
39919 would give their lives to lay them down. Thou saw'st the locked lovers when
39920 leaping from their flaming ship; heart to heart they sank beneath the exulting
39921 wave; true to each other, when heaven seemed false to them. Thou saw'st the
39922 murdered mate when tossed by pirates from the midnight deck; for hours he fell
39923 into the deeper midnight of the insatiate maw; and his murderers still sailed
39924 on unharmed -- while swift lightnings shivered the neighboring ship that would
39925 have borne a righteous husband to outstretched, longing arms. O head! thou has
39926 seen enough to split the planets and make an infidel of Abraham, and not one
39927 syllable is thine!"
39928 -- H. Melville, "Moby Dick"
39930 Speaking as someone who has delved into the intricacies of PL/I, I am sure
39931 that only Real Men could have written such a machine-hogging, cycle-grabbing,
39932 all-encompassing monster. Allocate an array and free the middle third?
39933 Sure! Why not? Multiply a character string times a bit string and assign the
39934 result to a float decimal? Go ahead! Free a controlled variable procedure
39935 parameter and reallocate it before passing it back? Overlay three different
39936 types of variable on the same memory location? Anything you say! Write a
39937 recursive macro? Well, no, but Real Men use rescan. How could a language
39938 so obviously designed and written by Real Men not be intended for Real Man use?
39940 Speaking of love, one problem that recurs more and more frequently these
39941 days, in books and plays and movies, is the inability of people to communicate
39942 with the people they love; Husbands and wives who can't communicate, children
39943 who can't communicate with their parents, and so on. And the characters in
39944 these books and plays and so on (and in real life, I might add) spend hours
39945 bemoaning the fact that they can't communicate. I feel that if a person can't
39946 communicate, the very least he can do is to shut up!
39947 -- Tom Lehrer, "That Was the Year that Was"
39949 Speaking of purchasing a dog, never buy a watchdog that's
39950 on sale. After all, everyone knows a bargain dog never bites!
39952 Special tonight, the best toot in town at prices you won't believe!!
39953 Also, the finest dope, brought all the way from Columbia by spirited
39954 young adventurers. All available tonight, as usual, in the graduate
39955 students bullpen from 11: pm on, usual terms and conditions.
39956 Faculty members especially welcome.
39958 Speed upon county roads will be limited to ten miles an hour unless the
39959 motorist sees a bailiff who does not appear to have had a drink in 30 days,
39960 when the driver will be permitted to make what he can.
39961 -- Proposed legislation, Illinois State Legislature, May, 1907
39963 Spence's Admonition:
39964 Never stow away on a kamikaze plane.
39966 Spend extra time on hobby. Get plenty of rolling papers.
39972 The fine stream from a grapefruit that always lands
39974 -- "Sniglets", Rich Hall & Friends
39976 Spock: The odds of surviving another
39977 attack are 13562190123 to 1, Captain.
39979 Spock: We suffered 23 casualties in that attack, Captain.
39982 Someone who'll stand by you through all the
39983 trouble you wouldn't have had if you'd stayed single.
39985 Spring is here, spring is here,
39986 Life is skittles and life is beer.
39989 The button at the top of a baseball cap.
39990 -- "Sniglets", Rich Hall & Friends
39992 Squirrels eating squirrels, my God, that's sick.
39994 St. Patrick was a gentleman
39995 who through strategy and stealth
39996 drove all the snakes from Ireland.
39997 Here's a toasting to his health --
39998 but not too many toastings
39999 lest you lose yourself and then
40000 forget the good St. Patrick
40001 and see all those snakes again.
40003 Stability itself is nothing else than a more sluggish motion.
40005 Staff meeting in the conference room in 3 minutes.
40007 Stalin was dying, and summoned Khruschev to his bedside. Wheezing his last
40008 words with difficulty, Stalin tells Khruschev, "The reins of the country are
40009 now in your hands. But before I go, I want to give you some advice."
40010 "Yes, yes, what is it?" says Khruschev, impatiently. Reaching under
40011 his pillow, Stalin produced two envelopes labeled #1 and #2.
40012 "Take these letters," he tells Khruschev. "Keep them safely -- don't
40013 open them. Only if the country is in turmoil and things aren't going well,
40014 open the first one. That'll give you some advice on what to do. And, if
40015 after that, if things start getting REALLY bad, open the second one." And
40016 with a gasp Stalin breathed his last.
40017 Well, within a few years Khruschev started having problems --
40018 unemployment increased, crops failed, people became restless. He decided it
40019 was time to open the first letter. All it said was: "Blame everything on me!"
40020 So Khruschev launched a massive deStalinization campaign, and blamed Stalin
40021 for all the excesses and purges and ills of the present system.
40022 But things continued on the downslide, and, finally, after much
40023 deliberation, Khruschev opened the second letter.
40024 All it said was: "Write two letters."
40026 Stamp out organized crime!! Abolish the IRS.
40028 Stamp out philately.
40031 The principles we use to reject other people's code.
40033 Standards are different for all things, so the standard set by man is by
40034 no means the only 'certain' standard. If you mistake what is relative for
40035 something certain, you have strayed far from the ultimate truth.
40038 Standing on head makes smile of frown, but rest of face also upside down.
40040 Stanford women are responsible for the success of many Stanford men:
40041 they give them "just one more reason" to stay in and study every night.
40043 Star Wars is adolescent nonsense; Close Encounters is obscurantist drivel;
40044 Star Trek can turn your brains to puree of bat guano; and the greatest
40045 science fiction series of all time is Doctor Who! And I'll take you all
40046 on, one-by-one or all in a bunch to back it up!
40049 Start every day off with a smile and get it over with.
40052 Start the day with a smile.
40053 After that you can be your nasty old self again.
40055 State license plates we'd like to see:
40057 NEVADA MASSACHUSETTS
40059 LAND OF 10,00 ELVIS IMPERSONATORS THE GOOFY ACCENT STATE
40063 FRUITY UMBRELLA COCKTAIL WONDERLAND EAT CHEESE OR DIE
40065 State license plates we'd like to see:
40069 THE UFO SIGHTING STATE THE HEAT PROSTRATION STATE
40071 CONNECTICUT MISSISSIPPI
40073 WHERE THE SMART NY WORK FORCE LIVES THE MOST OFTEN MISSPELLED STATE
40077 PLAY FOOTBALL OR DIE AMERICA'S DRUG DEALER
40079 State license plates we'd like to see:
40081 MICHIGAN CALIFORNIA
40082 4-GET 74-77 EGO-MN-E-X
40083 EMBARRASSED HOME STATE OF GERALD FORD THE SERIAL KILLER STATE
40085 NORTH CAROLINA NEW JERSEY
40087 HOME OF GOMER, GOOBER AND JESSE HELMS FIRST IN TOXIC WASTE
40089 KANSAS WASHINGTON DC
40090 TOTO -2 $10000000 ETC
40091 THE NOT MUCH SINCE THE WIZARD OF OZ WASTING YOUR MONEY SINCE 1810
40095 A system for expressing your political
40096 prejudices in convincing scientific guise.
40098 Statistics are no substitute for judgement.
40101 Statistics means never having to say you're certain.
40103 Stay away from flying saucers today.
40105 Stay away from hurricanes for a while.
40109 Stay together, drag each other down.
40111 Stayed in bed all morning just to pass the time,
40112 There's something wrong here, there can be no more denying,
40113 One of us is changing, or maybe we just stopped trying,
40115 And it's too late, baby, now, it's too late,
40116 Though we really did try to make it,
40117 Something inside has died and I can't hide and I just can't fake it...
40119 It used to be so easy living here with you,
40120 You were light and breezy and I knew just what to do
40121 Now you look so unhappy and I feel like a fool.
40123 There'll be good times again for me and you,
40124 But we just can't stay together, don't you feel it too?
40125 But I'm glad for what we had and that I once loved you...
40127 But it's too late baby...
40128 It's too late, now darling, it's too late...
40129 -- Carol King, "Tapestry"
40131 Steady movement is more important than speed, much of the time. So
40132 long as there is a regular progression of stimuli to get your mental
40133 hooks into, there is room for lateral movement. Once this begins,
40134 its rate is a matter of discretion.
40135 -- Corwin, "Prince of Amber"
40137 Stealing a rhinoceros should not be attempted lightly.
40139 Steckel's Rule to Success:
40140 Good enough is never good enough.
40142 Steele's Plagiarism of Somebody's Philosophy:
40143 Everybody should believe in something --
40144 I believe I'll have another drink.
40146 Stellar rays prove fibbing never pays.
40147 Embezzlement is another matter.
40150 The sooner you fall behind, the more time you will have to catch up.
40152 Step back, unbelievers!
40153 Or the rain will never come.
40154 Somebody keep the fire burning, someone come and beat the drum.
40155 You may think I'm crazy, you may think that I'm insane,
40156 But I swear to you, before this day is out,
40157 you folks are gonna see some rain!
40159 Still a few bugs in the system... Someday I have to tell you about Uncle
40160 Nahum from Maine, who spent years trying to cross a jellyfish with a shad
40161 so he could breed boneless shad. His experiment backfired too, and he
40162 wound up with bony jellyfish... which was hardly worth the trouble. There's
40163 very little call for those up there.
40164 -- Allucquere R. "Sandy" Stone
40166 Still looking for the glorious results of my misspent youth.
40167 Say, do you have a map to the next joint?
40169 Stinginess with privileges is kindness in disguise.
40170 -- Guide to VAX/VMS Security, Sep. 1984
40172 Stock's Observation:
40173 You no sooner get your head above water
40174 but what someone pulls your flippers off.
40177 One man's "simple" is another man's "huh?"
40179 Stop! There was first a game of blindman's buff. Of course there was.
40180 And I no more believe Topper was really blind than I believe he had eyes
40181 in his boots. My opinion is, that it was a done thing between him and
40182 Scrooge's nephew; and that the Ghost of Christmas Present knew it. The
40183 way he went after that plump sister in the lace tucker, was an outrage
40184 on the credulity of human nature.
40186 Stop me, before I kill again!
40188 Stop searching. Happiness is right next to you.
40190 Stop searching. Happiness is right next to you.
40191 Now, if they'd only take a bath...
40193 Stop searching forever. Happiness is just next to you.
40195 Stop searching forever. Happiness is unattainable.
40197 Strange things are done to be number one
40198 In selling the computer The Druids were entrepreneurs,
40199 IBM has their strategem And they built a granite box
40200 Which steadily grows acuter, It tracked the moon, warned of monsoons,
40201 And Honeywell competes like Hell, And forecast the equinox
40202 But the story's missing link Their price was right, their future
40203 Is the system old at Stonemenge sold bright,
40204 By the firm of Druids, Inc. The prototype was sold;
40205 From Stonehenge site their bits and byte
40206 Would ship for Celtic gold.
40207 The movers came to crate the frame;
40208 It weighed a million ton!
40209 The traffic folk thought it a joke The man spoke true, and thus to you
40210 (the wagon wheels just spun); A warning from the ages;
40211 "They'll nay sell that," the foreman Your stock will slip if you can't ship
40212 spat, What's in your brochure's pages.
40213 "Just leave the wild weeds grow; See if it sells without the bells
40214 "It's Druid-kind, over-designed, And strings that ring and quiver;
40215 "And belly up they'll go." Druid repute went down the chute
40216 Because they couldn't deliver.
40217 -- Edward C. McManus, "The Computer at Stonehenge"
40220 A comprehensive plan of inaction.
40223 A long-range plan whose merit cannot be evaluated until sometime
40224 after those creating it have left the organization.
40226 Straw? No, too stupid a fad. I put soot on warts.
40228 Stress has been pinpointed as a major cause of illness. To avoid overload
40229 and burnout, keep stress out of your life. Give it to others instead. Learn
40230 the "Gaslight" treatment, the "Are you talking to me?" technique, and the
40231 "Do you feel okay? You look pale." approach. Start with negotiation and
40232 implication. Advance to manipulation and humiliation. Above all, relax
40233 and have a nice day.
40235 Stuckness shouldn't be avoided. It's the psychic predecessor of all
40236 real understanding. An egoless acceptance of stuckness is a key to an
40237 understanding of all Quality, in mechanical work as in other endeavors.
40238 -- R. Pirsig, "Zen and the Art of Motorcycle Maintenance"
40241 Our problems are mostly behind us.
40242 What we have to do now is fight the solutions.
40245 Losing $25 on the tackle and $25 on the instant replay.
40247 Stupidity is its own reward.
40249 Style may not be the answer, but at least it's a workable alternative.
40251 Suaviter in modo, fortiter in re.
40252 Se non e vero, e ben trovato.
40254 Substitute 'damn' every time you're inclined to write 'very'; your
40255 editor will delete it and the writing will be just as it should be.
40258 Subtlety is the art of saying what you think and getting out of the
40259 way before it is understood.
40261 Suburbia is where the developer bulldozes out the trees, then names
40262 the streets after them.
40265 Success is a journey, not a destination.
40267 Success is getting what you want; happiness is wanting what you get.
40269 Success is in the minds of Fools.
40270 -- William Wrenshaw, 1578
40272 Success is relative: It is what we can make of the mess we have
40274 -- T.S. Eliot, "The Family Reunion"
40276 Success is something I will dress for when I get there, and not until.
40278 Success is the sole earthly judge of right and wrong.
40279 -- Adolf Hitler, "Mein Kampf"
40281 Succumb to natural tendencies. Be hateful and boring.
40283 Such a fine first dream!
40284 But they laughed at me; they said
40287 Such a foolish notion, that war is called devotion,
40288 when the greatest warriors are the ones who stand for peace.
40290 Such efforts are almost always slow, laborious, political,
40291 petty, boring, ponderous, thankless, and of the utmost criticality.
40292 -- Leonard Kleinrock, on standards efforts
40294 Such evil deeds could religion prompt.
40295 -- Titus Lucretius Carus
40297 Sudden Death Dating:
40300 Am I worried about taking his last name? Forget it,
40301 at this point I'll take his first name, too.
40303 Suffering alone exists, none who suffer;
40304 The deed there is, but no doer thereof;
40305 Nirvana is, but no one is seeking it;
40306 The Path there is, but none who travel it.
40307 -- "Buddhist Symbolism", Symbols and Values
40309 Suggest you just sit there and wait till life gets easier.
40311 Suicide is simply a case of mistaken identity.
40313 Suicide is the sincerest form of self-criticism.
40318 Sun in the night, everyone is together,
40319 Ascending into the heavens, life is forever.
40320 -- Brand X, "Moroccan Roll/Sun in the Night"
40323 The Network IS the Load Average.
40326 Pronounced atmospheric scattering of shorter wavelengths,
40327 resulting in selective transmission below 650 nanometers with
40328 progressively reducing solar elevation.
40330 Superstition, idolatry, and hypocrisy
40331 have ample wages, but truth goes a-begging.
40334 Supervisor: Do you think you understand the basic ideas of Quantum Mechanics?
40335 Supervisee: Ah! Well, what do we mean by "to understand" in the context of
40337 Supervisor: You mean "No", don't you?
40339 -- Overheard at a supervision.
40341 Support Bingo, keep Grandma off the streets.
40343 Support mental health or I'LL KILL YOU!!!!
40345 Support the American Kidney Foundation.
40346 Don't wear your motorcycle helmet.
40348 Support the Girl Scouts!
40349 (Today's Brownie is tomorrow's Cookie!)
40351 Support the right of unborn males to bear arms!
40352 -- A public service announcement from Phyllis Schlafly,
40353 the Catholic Church, and the National Rifle Association
40355 Support your local church or synagogue.
40356 Worship at Bank of America.
40358 Support your right to arm bears!!
40360 Support your right to bare arms!
40361 -- A message from the National Short-Sleeved Shirt Association
40363 Suppose for a moment that the automobile industry had developed at the same
40364 rate as computers and over the same period: how much cheaper and more
40365 efficient would the current models be? If you have not already heard the
40366 analogy, the answer is shattering. Today you would be able to buy a
40367 Rolls-Royce for $2.75, it would do three million miles to the gallon, and
40368 it would deliver enough power to drive the Queen Elizabeth II. And if you
40369 were interested in miniaturization, you could place half a dozen of them on
40371 -- Christopher Evans
40373 Sure, Reagan has promised to take senility tests.
40374 But what if he forgets?
40376 Sure there are dishonest men in local government. But there are dishonest
40377 men in national government too.
40378 -- Richard M. Nixon
40380 Sure there are dishonest men in local government. But there are
40381 dishonest men in national government too.
40384 "Surely you can't be serious."
40385 "I am serious, and don't call me Shirley."
40387 Surly to bed, surly to rise, makes you about average.
40389 Surprise! You are the lucky winner of random I.R.S Audit!
40390 Just type in your name and social security number.
40391 Please remember that leaving the room is punishable under law:
40397 Surprise due today. Also the rent.
40399 Surprise your boss. Get to work on time.
40402 When that-which-may-still-be-alive is put on top of rice and
40403 strapped on with electrical tape.
40406 The way of the tuna.
40408 Suspicion always haunts the guilty mind.
40411 Swap read error. You lose your mind.
40414 A garment worn by a child when their mother feels chilly.
40416 Sweet April showers do spring May flowers.
40419 Sweet sixteen is beautiful Bess,
40420 And her voice is changing -- from "No" to "Yes".
40422 Swerve me? The path to my fixed purpose is laid with iron rails,
40423 whereon my soul is grooved to run. Over unsounded gorges, through
40424 the rifled hearts of mountains, under torrents' beds, unerringly
40426 -- Captain Ahab, "Moby Dick"
40428 Swipple's Rule of Order:
40429 He who shouts the loudest has the floor.
40431 Symptom: Drinking fails to give taste and satisfaction, beer is
40432 unusually pale and clear.
40433 Problem: Glass empty.
40434 Action Required: Find someone who will buy you another beer.
40436 Symptom: Drinking fails to give taste and satisfaction,
40437 and the front of your shirt is wet.
40438 Fault: Mouth not open when drinking or glass applied to
40439 wrong part of face.
40440 Action Required: Buy another beer and practice in front of mirror.
40441 Drink as many as needed to perfect drinking technique.
40443 -- Bar Troubleshooting
40445 Symptom: Everything has gone dark.
40446 Fault: The Bar is closing.
40447 Action Required: Panic.
40449 Symptom: You awaken to find your bed hard, cold and wet.
40450 You cannot see the bathroom light.
40451 Fault: You have spent the night in the gutter.
40452 Action Required: Check your watch to see if bars are open yet. If not,
40453 treat yourself to a lie-in.
40455 -- Bar Troubleshooting
40457 Symptom: Feet cold and wet, glass empty.
40458 Fault: Glass being held at incorrect angle.
40459 Action Required: Turn glass other way up so that open end points
40462 Symptom: Feet warm and wet.
40463 Fault: Improper bladder control.
40464 Action Required: Go stand next to nearest dog. After a while complain
40465 to the owner about its lack of house training and
40466 demand a beer as compensation.
40468 -- Bar Troubleshooting
40470 Symptom: Floor blurred.
40471 Fault: You are looking through bottom of empty glass.
40472 Action Required: Find someone who will buy you another beer.
40474 Symptom: Floor moving.
40475 Fault: You are being carried out.
40476 Action Required: Find out if you are taken to another bar. If not,
40477 complain loudly that you are being kidnapped.
40479 -- Bar Troubleshooting
40481 Symptom: Floor swaying.
40482 Fault: Excessive air turbulence, perhaps due to air-hockey
40484 Action Required: Insert broom handle down back of jacket.
40486 Symptom: Everything has gone dim, strange taste of peanuts
40487 and pretzels or cigarette butts in mouth.
40488 Fault: You have fallen forward.
40489 Action Required: See above.
40491 Symptom: Opposite wall covered with acoustic tile and several
40492 fluorescent light strips.
40493 Fault: You have fallen over backward.
40494 Action Required: If your glass is full and no one is standing on your
40495 drinking arm, stay put. If not, get someone to help
40496 you get up, lash yourself to bar.
40498 -- Bar Troubleshooting
40500 Syntactic sugar causes cancer of the semicolon.
40501 -- Epigrams in Programming, ACM SIGPLAN Sept. 1982
40503 System checkpoint complete.
40505 System going down at 1:45 this afternoon for disk crashing.
40507 System going down at 5 this afternoon to install scheduler bug.
40509 System going down in 5 minutes.
40511 System restarting, wait...
40513 System/3! System/3!
40514 See how it runs! See how it runs!
40515 Its monitor loses so totally!
40516 It runs all its programs in RPG!
40517 It's made by our favorite monopoly!
40520 SYSTEM-INDEPENDENT:
40521 Works equally poorly on all systems.
40523 Systems have sub-systems and sub-systems have sub-systems and so on ad
40524 infinitum -- which is why we're always starting over.
40525 -- Epigrams in Programming, ACM SIGPLAN Sept. 1982
40527 Systems programmer:
40528 A person in sandals who has been in the elevator with the senior
40529 vice president and is ultimately responsible for a phone call you
40530 are to receive from your boss.
40532 Systems programmers are the high priests of a low cult.
40535 T: One big monster, he called TROLL.
40536 He don't rock, and he don't roll;
40537 Drink no wine, and smoke no stogies.
40538 He just Love To Eat Them Roguies.
40539 -- The Roguelet's ABC
40542 Serving grape kool-aid at religious functions.
40545 The unsaid part of what you're thinking.
40547 Tact consists in knowing how far to go in going too far.
40550 Tact in audacity is knowing how far you can go without going too far.
40553 Tact is the ability to tell a man he has
40554 an open mind when he has a hole in his head.
40556 Tact is the art of making a point without making an enemy.
40558 Take a lesson from the whale; the only time
40559 he gets speared is when he raises to spout.
40561 Take an astronaut to launch.
40563 Take care of the luxuries and the
40564 necessities will take care of themselves.
40567 Take Care of the Molehills, and the Mountains Will Take Care of Themselves.
40568 -- Motto of the Federal Civil Service
40570 Take everything in stride.
40571 Trample anyone who gets in your way.
40573 TAKE FORCEFUL ACTION:
40574 Do something that should have been done a long time ago.
40576 Take it easy, we're in a hurry.
40581 Take my word for it, the silliest woman can manage a clever man,
40582 but it needs a very clever woman to manage a fool.
40585 Take time to reflect on all the things you have, not as a result of your
40586 merit or hard work or because God or chance or the efforts of other people
40587 have given them to you.
40589 Take what you can use and let the rest go by.
40592 Take your dying with some seriousness, however.
40593 Laughing on the way to your execution is not generally understood
40594 by less-advanced life-forms, and they'll call you crazy.
40595 -- Messiah's Handbook : Reminders for the Advanced Soul
40597 Take your Senator to lunch this week.
40599 Take your work seriously but never take yourself seriously; and do not
40600 take what happens either to yourself or your work seriously.
40601 -- Booth Tarkington
40603 Taking drugs in the 60's, I tried to reach Nirvana, but all I ever
40604 got were re-runs of The Mickey Mouse Club.
40607 Talent does what it can.
40608 Genius does what it must.
40609 You do what you get paid to do.
40611 Talk is cheap because supply always exceeds demand.
40613 Talk sense to a fool and he calls you foolish.
40616 Talkers are no good doers.
40617 -- William Shakespeare, "Henry VI"
40619 Talking about music is like dancing about architecture.
40622 Talking much about oneself can also be a means to conceal oneself.
40623 -- Friedrich Nietzsche
40625 Tallulah Bankhead barged down the
40626 Nile last night as Cleopatra and sank.
40627 -- John Mason Brown, drama critic
40629 Tan me hide when I'm dead, Fred,
40630 Tan me hide when I'm dead.
40631 So we tanned his hide when he died, Clyde,
40632 It's hanging there on the shed.
40634 All together now...
40635 Tie me kangaroo down, sport,
40636 Tie me kangaroo down.
40637 Tie me kangaroo down, sport,
40638 Tie me kangaroo down.
40640 Tart words make no friends; a spoonful of honey
40641 will catch more flies than a gallon of vinegar.
40644 TAURUS (Apr 20 - May 20)
40645 You are practical and persistent. You have a dogged determination
40646 and work like hell. Most people think you are stubborn and bull
40647 headed. You are a Communist.
40649 TAURUS (Apr. 20 to May 20)
40650 Let your self-confidence and determination shine, and people will
40651 find you boorish and headstrong. Travel, promotion, and romance
40652 highlighted, if you live long enough. Don't take any wooden nickels.
40654 TAURUS (Apr.20 - May 20)
40655 Take advantage of this opportunity to get a little extra sleep,
40656 because you're going to miss the bus again today anyway. You will
40657 decide to lose weight today, just like yesterday.
40662 Tax reform means "Don't tax you, don't
40663 tax me, tax that fellow behind the tree."
40667 Of life's two certainties,
40668 the only one for which you can get an extension.
40670 Taxes are not levied for the benefit of the taxed.
40672 TCP/IP Slang Glossary, #1:
40674 Gong, n: Medieval term for privvy, or what passed for them in that era.
40675 Today used whimsically to describe the aftermath of a bogon attack. Think
40676 of our community as the Galapagos of the English language.
40678 "Vogons may read you bad poetry, but bogons make you study obsolete RFCs."
40681 Teach children to be polite and courteous in the home, and,
40682 when they grow up, they won't be able to edge a car onto a freeway.
40684 Teachers have class.
40687 Having someone to blame.
40689 Teamwork is essential -- it allows you to blame someone else.
40691 Technicality, n. In an English court a man named Home was tried for
40692 slander in having accused a neighbor of murder. His exact words were:
40693 "Sir Thomas Holt hath taken a cleaver and stricken his cook upon the
40694 head, so that one side of his head fell on one shoulder and the other
40695 side upon the other shoulder." The defendant was acquitted by
40696 instruction of the court, the learned judges holding that the words did
40697 not charge murder, for they did not affirm the death of the cook, that
40698 being only an inference.
40699 -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
40701 Technique?" said the programmer turning from his terminal, "What I follow
40702 is Tao -- beyond all technique! When I first began to program I would see
40703 before me the whole problem in one mass. After three years I no longer saw
40704 this mass. Instead, I used subroutines. But now I see nothing. My whole
40705 being exists in a formless void. My senses are idle. My spirit, free to
40706 work without plan, follows its own instinct. In short, my program writes
40707 itself. True, sometimes there are difficult problems. I see them coming, I
40708 slow down, I watch silently. Then I change a single line of code and the
40709 difficulties vanish like puffs of idle smoke. I then compile the program.
40710 I sit still and let the joy of the work fill my being. I close my eyes for
40711 a moment and then log off.
40713 Technological progress has merely provided us
40714 with more efficient means for going backwards.
40717 Technology is dominated by those who manage what they do not understand.
40719 Tehee quod she, and clapte the wyndow to.
40720 -- Geoffrey Chaucer
40722 Telephone books are like dictionaries -- if you know the answer before
40723 you look it up, you can eventually reaffirm what you thought you knew
40724 but weren't sure. But if you're searching for something you don't
40725 already know, your fingers could walk themselves to death.
40729 An invention of the devil which abrogates some of the advantages of
40730 making a disagreeable person keep his distance.
40734 The deep-seated guilt which stems from knowing that you did not try
40735 hard enough to look up the number on your own and instead put the
40736 burden on the directory assistant.
40737 -- "Sniglets", Rich Hall & Friends
40739 Television -- a medium. So called because it is neither rare nor well done.
40742 Television -- the longest amateur night in history.
40745 Television has brought back murder into the home -- where it belongs.
40746 -- Alfred Hitchcock
40748 Television has proved that people will look at anything rather than
40752 Television is a medium because anything well done is rare.
40753 -- attributed to both Fred Allen and Ernie Kovacs
40755 Television is now so desperately hungry for material
40756 that it is scraping the top of the barrel.
40759 Television only proves that people will look at anything --
40760 rather than each other.
40762 Tell a man there are 300 billion stars in the universe and he'll
40763 believe you. Tell him a bench has wet paint on it and he'll have
40764 to touch to be sure.
40766 Tell me, O Octopus, I begs,
40767 Is those things arms, or is they legs?
40768 I marvel at thee, Octopus;
40769 If I were thou, I'd call me us.
40772 Tell me what to think!!!
40774 Tell me why the stars do shine,
40775 Tell me why the ivy twines,
40776 Tell me why the sky's so blue,
40777 And I will tell you just why I love you.
40779 Nuclear fusion makes stars to shine,
40780 Phototropism makes ivy twine,
40781 Rayleigh scattering makes sky so blue,
40782 Sexual hormones are why I love you.
40784 Telling the truth to people who misunderstand you is generally
40785 promoting a falsehood, isn't it?
40788 Tempt me with a spoon!
40790 Tempt not a desperate man.
40791 -- William Shakespeare, "Romeo and Juliet"
40793 Ten of the meanest cons in the state pen met in the corner of the yard to
40794 shoot some craps. The stakes were enormous, the tension palpable.
40795 When his turn came to shoot, Dutsky nervously plunked down his
40796 entire wad, shook the dice and rolled. A smile crossed his face as a seven
40797 showed up, but it quickly changed to horror as a third die slipped out of
40798 his sleeve and fell to the ground with the two others. No one said a word.
40799 Finally, Killer Lucci picked up the third die, put it in his pocket and
40800 handed the others to Dutsky.
40801 "Roll 'em," Lucci said. "Your point is thirteen."
40803 Ten of the meanest cons in the state pen met in the corner of the yard to
40804 shoot some craps. The stakes were enormous, the tension palpable.
40805 When his turn came to shoot, Dutsky nervously plunked down his
40806 entire wad, shook the dice and rolled. A smile crossed his face as a
40807 seven showed up, but it quickly changed to horror as third die slipped out
40808 of his sleeve and fell to the ground with the two others. No one said a
40809 word. Finally, Killer Lucci picked up the third die, put it in his pocket
40810 and handed the others to Dutsky.
40811 "Roll 'em," Lucci said. "Your point is thirteen."
40813 Ten persons who speak make more noise than ten thousand who are silent.
40816 Ten years of rejection slips is nature's
40817 way of telling you to stop writing.
40820 Terence, this is stupid stuff:
40821 You eat your victuals fast enough;
40822 There can't be much amiss, 'tis clear,
40823 To see the rate you drink your beer.
40824 But oh, good Lord, the verse you make,
40825 It gives a chap the belly-ache.
40826 The cow, the old cow, she is dead;
40827 It sleeps well the horned head:
40828 We poor lads, 'tis our turn now
40829 To hear such tunes as killed the cow.
40830 Pretty friendship 'tis to rhyme
40831 Your friends to death before their time.
40832 Moping, melancholy mad:
40833 Come, pipe a tune to dance to, lad.
40836 Term, holidays, term, holidays, till we leave
40837 school, and then work, work, work till we die.
40840 Termiter's argument that God is His own grandmother generated a surprising
40841 amount of controversy among Church leaders, who on the one hand considered
40842 the argument unsupported by scripture but on the other hand were unwilling
40843 to risk offending God's grandmother.
40844 -- Len Cool, "American Pie"
40846 Tertullian was born in Carthage somewhere about 160 A.D. He was a pagan,
40847 and he abandoned himself to the lascivious life of his city until about
40848 his 35th year, when he became a Christian. [...] To him is ascribed the
40849 sublime confession: Credo quia absurdum est (I believe because it is absurd).
40850 This does not altogether accord with historical fact, for he merely said:
40851 "And the Son of God died, which is immediately credible because it
40852 is absurd. And buried he rose again, which is certain because it
40854 Thanks to the acuteness of his mind, he saw through the poverty of
40855 philosophical and Gnostic knowledge, and contemptuously rejected it.
40856 -- C.G. Jung, "Psychological Types"
40857 [Teruillian was one of the founders of the Catholic Church. Ed.]
40860 Take amount of grass used in one joint, and wash in 5 cc's
40861 of water, agitating gently for 15 minutes. Strain out leaves,
40862 leaving a brownish-yellow solution. Add 100 mg each of sodium
40863 bicarbonate and sodium dithionite. If paraquat is present,
40864 the solution will turn blue-green.
40866 Testing can show the presence of bugs, but not their absence.
40867 -- Edsger W. Dijkstra
40869 Test-tube babies shouldn't throw stones.
40874 TEX is potentially the most significant invention in typesetting in this
40875 century. It introduces a standard language for computer typography, and in
40876 terms of importance could rank near the introduction of the Gutenberg press.
40879 Texas A&M football coach Jackie Sherrill went to the office of the Dean
40880 of Academics because he was concerned about his players' mental abilities.
40881 "My players are just too stupid for me to deal with them", he told the
40882 unbelieving dean. At this point, one of his players happened to enter
40883 the dean's office. "Let me show you what I mean", said Sherrill, and he
40884 told the player to run over to his office to see if he was in. "OK, Coach",
40885 the player replied, and was off. "See what I mean?" Sherrill asked.
40886 "Yeah", replied the dean. "He could have just picked up this phone and
40887 called you from here."
40889 Texas is Hell on woman and horses.
40892 Thank God I've always avoided persecuting my enemies.
40895 Thank you for observing all safety precautions.
40897 That all men should be brothers is the dream of people who have no brothers.
40898 -- Charles Chincholles, "Pensees de tout le monde"
40900 That does not compute.
40902 That feeling just came over me.
40903 -- Albert DeSalvo, the "Boston Strangler"
40905 That government is best which governs least.
40906 -- Henry David Thoreau, "Civil Disobedience"
40908 That is the true season of love, when we believe that we alone can love,
40909 that no one could have loved so before us, and that no one will love
40910 in the same way as us.
40911 -- Johann Wolfgang von Goethe
40919 That must be wonderful: I don't understand it at all.
40922 That segment of the community with which one has the greatest
40923 sympathy as a liberal, inevitably turns out to be one of the most
40924 narrow-minded and bigoted segments of the community.
40926 That that is is that that is not is not.
40929 That, that is not, is not.
40930 That, that is, is not that, that is not.
40931 That, that is not, is not that, that is.
40933 ...that the notions of "hardware", and "software" should be extended by
40934 the notion of LIVEWARE - being that which produces software for use on
40935 hardware. This produces an obvious extension to the concept of MONITORS.
40936 A liveware monitor is a person dedicated to the task of ensuring that the
40937 liveware does not interfere with the real-time processes, invoking the
40938 REAL-TIME EXECUTIONER to delete liveware that adversely affects ...
40939 -- Linden and Wihelminalaan
40941 That which is not good for the swarm, neither is it good for the bee.
40943 That woman speaks eight languages and can't say "no" in any of them.
40946 That Xanthippe's husband should have become so great a philosopher is
40947 remarkable. Amid all the scolding, to be able to think! But he could not
40948 write: that was impossible. Socrates has not left us a single book.
40951 That's always the way when you discover
40952 something new; everyone thinks you're crazy.
40958 How much does it cost?
40960 I only have a dollar.
40963 That's life for you, said McDunn. Someone always waiting for someone
40964 who never comes home. Always someone loving something more than that
40965 thing loves them. And after awhile you want to destroy whatever that
40966 thing is, so it can't hurt you no more.
40967 -- R. Bradbury, "The Fog Horn"
40969 "That's no answer," Job said, "And for someone who's supposed to be
40970 omnipotent, let me tell you 'tabernacle' has only one l."
40971 -- Woody Allen, "Without Feathers"
40976 That's odd. That's very odd.
40977 Wouldn't you say that's very odd?
40979 That's one small step for a man; one giant leap for mankind.
40982 That's the most fun I've had without laughing.
40983 -- Woody Allen, on sex
40985 That's the thing about people who think they hate computers. What they
40986 really hate is lousy programmers.
40987 -- Larry Niven and Jerry Pournelle in "Oath of Fealty"
40989 That's the true harbinger of spring, not crocuses or swallows
40990 returning to Capistrano, but the sound of a bat on a ball.
40993 That's what she said.
40995 That's where the money was.
40996 -- Willie Sutton, on being asked why he robbed a bank
40998 It's a rather pleasant experience to be alone in a bank at night.
41001 The White Rabbit put on his spectacles.
41002 "Where shall I begin, please your Majesty ?" he asked.
41003 "Begin at the beginning,", the King said, very gravely,
41004 "and go on till you come to the end: then stop."
41007 The 11 is for people with the pride of a 10 and the pocketbook of an 8.
41010 The 357.73 Theory --
41011 Auditors always reject expense accounts
41012 with a bottom line divisible by 5.
41014 The 80's -- when you can't tell hairstyles from chemotherapy.
41016 The 'A' is for content, the 'minus' is for not typing it.
41017 Don't ever do this to my eyes again.
41018 -- Professor Ronald Brady, Philosophy, Ramapo State College
41020 The Abrams' Principle:
41021 The shortest distance between two points is off the wall.
41023 The absence of labels [in ECL] is probably a good thing.
41026 The absent ones are always at fault.
41028 The absurd is the essential concept and the first truth.
41031 The abuse of greatness is when it disjoins remorse from power.
41032 -- William Shakespeare, "Julius Caesar"
41034 The adjective is the banana peel of the parts of speech.
41037 The adjuration to be "normal" seems shockingly repellent to me; I see neither
41038 hope nor comfort in sinking to that low level. I think it is ignorance that
41039 makes people think of abnormality only with horror and allows them to remain
41040 undismayed at the proximity of "normal" to average and mediocre. For surely
41041 anyone who achieves anything is, essentially, abnormal.
41042 -- Dr. Karl Menninger, "The Human Mind", 1930
41044 The advantage of being celibate is that when one sees a pretty girl one
41045 does not need to grieve over having an ugly one back home.
41046 -- Paul Leautaud, "Propos dun jour"
41048 The aim of a joke is not to degrade the human being but to remind him that
41049 he is already degraded.
41052 The aim of science is to seek the simplest explanations of complex
41053 facts. Seek simplicity and distrust it.
41056 The alarm clock that is louder than God's own
41057 belongs to the roommate with the earliest class.
41059 The algorithm for finding the longest path in a graph is NP-complete.
41060 For you systems people, that means it's *real slow*.
41063 The all-softening overpowering knell,
41064 The tocsin of the soul, -- the dinner bell.
41067 The Almighty in His infinite wisdom did not see
41068 fit to create Frenchmen in the image of Englishmen.
41069 -- Winston Churchill, 1942
41071 The American Dental Association announced today that most plaque tends
41072 to form on teeth around 4:00 PM in the afternoon.
41076 The American nation in the sixth ward is a fine people; they love the
41077 eagle -- on the back of a dollar.
41078 -- Finlay Peter Dunne
41080 The American system of ours, call it Americanism, call it Capitalism,
41081 call it what you like, gives each and every one of us a great
41082 opportunity if we only seize it with both hands and make the most of it.
41085 The amount of time between slipping on the peel and landing on the
41086 pavement is precisely 1 bananosecond.
41088 The amount of weight an evangelist carries with the almighty is measured
41091 The Analytical Engine weaves Algebraical patterns
41092 just as the Jacquard loom weaves flowers and leaves.
41093 -- Ada Augusta, Countess of Lovelace, the first programmer
41095 The Anarchists' [national] anthem is an international anthem that consists
41096 of 365 raspberries blown in very quick succession to the tune of "Camptown
41097 Races". Nobody has to stand up for it, nobody has to listen to it, and,
41098 even better, nobody has to play it.
41099 -- Mike Harding, "The Armchair Anarchist's Almanac"
41101 The Ancient Doctrine of Mind Over Matter:
41102 I don't mind... and you don't matter.
41104 -- As revealed to reporter G. Rivera by Swami Havabanana
41106 The Angels want to wear my red shoes.
41109 The anger of a woman is the greatest evil
41110 with which you can threaten your enemies.
41113 The Anglo-Saxon conscience does not prevent the Anglo-Saxon from
41114 sinning, it merely prevents him from enjoying his sin.
41115 --Salvador De Madariaga
41117 The angry man always thinks he can do more than he can.
41118 -- Albertano of Brescia
41120 The animals are not as stupid as one thinks -- they have neither
41121 doctors nor lawyers.
41124 The annual meeting of the "You Have To Listen To Experience" Club is now in
41125 session. Our Achievement Awards this year are in the fields of publishing,
41126 advertising and industry. For best consistent contribution in the field of
41127 publishing our award goes to editor, R.L.K., [...] for his unrivalled alle-
41128 giance without variation to the statement: "Personally I'd love to do it,
41129 we'd ALL love to do it. But we're not going to do it. It's not the kind of
41130 book our house knows how to handle." Our superior performance award in the
41131 field of advertising goes to media executive, E.L.M., [...] for the continu-
41132 ally creative use of the old favorite: "I think what you've got here could be
41133 very exciting. Why not give it one more try based on the approach I've out-
41134 lined and see if you can come up with something fresh." Our final award for
41135 courageous holding action in the field of industry goes to supervisor, R.S.,
41136 [...] for her unyielding grip on "I don't care if they fire me, I've been
41137 arguing for a new approach for YEARS but are we SURE that this is the right
41138 time--" I would like to conclude this meeting with a verse written specially
41139 for our prospectus by our founding president fifty years ago -- and now, as
41140 then, fully expressive of the emotion most close to all our hearts --
41141 Treat freshness as a youthful quirk,
41142 And dare not stray to ideas new,
41143 For if t'were tried they might e'en work
41144 And for a living what woulds't we do?
41146 The answer to the question of Life, the Universe, and Everything is...
41148 Four day work week,
41149 Two ply toilet paper!
41151 The answer to the Ultimate Question of Life, the Universe, and Everything was
41152 released with the kind permission of the Amalgamated Union of Philosophers,
41153 Sages, Luminaries, and Other Professional Thinking Persons.
41155 The ark lands after The Flood. Noah lets all the animals out. Says he, "Go
41156 and multiply." Several months pass. Noah decides to check up on the animals.
41157 All are doing fine except a pair of snakes. "What's the problem?" says Noah.
41158 "Cut down some trees and let us live there", say the snakes. Noah follows
41159 their advice. Several more weeks pass. Noah checks on the snakes again.
41160 Lots of little snakes, everybody is happy. Noah asks, "Want to tell me how
41161 the trees helped?" "Certainly", say the snakes. "We're adders, and we need
41164 The arms business is founded on human folly, that is why its depths will
41165 never be plumbed and why it will go on forever. All weapons are defensive
41166 and all spare parts are non-lethal. The plainest print cannot be read
41167 through a solid gold sovereign, or a ruble or a golden eagle.
41168 -- Sam Cummings, American arms dealer
41170 The Army has carried the American ... ideal to its logical conclusion.
41171 Not only do they prohibit discrimination on the grounds of race, creed
41172 and color, but also on ability.
41175 The Army needs leaders the way a foot needs a big toe.
41178 The assertion that "all men are created equal" was of no practical use in
41179 effecting our separation from Great Britain and it was placed in the
41180 Declaration not for that, but for future use.
41183 The astronomer Francesco Sizi, a contemporary of Galileo, argues that
41184 Jupiter can have no satellites:
41186 There are seven windows in the head, two nostrils, two ears, two
41187 eyes, and a mouth; so in the heavens there are two favorable stars, two
41188 unpropitious, two luminaries, and Mercury alone undecided and indifferent.
41189 From which and many other similar phenomena of nature such as the seven
41190 metals, etc., which it were tedious to enumerate, we gather that the number
41191 of planets is necessarily seven. [...]
41192 Moreover, the satellites are invisible to the naked eye and
41193 therefore can have no influence on the earth and therefore would be useless
41194 and therefore do not exist.
41196 The attacker must vanquish; the defender need only survive.
41198 The average girl would rather have beauty than brains because she
41199 knows that the average man can see much better than he can think.
41200 -- Ladies' Home Journal
41202 The average, healthy, well-adjusted adult gets up at seven-thirty in
41203 the morning feeling just terrible.
41206 The average income of the modern teenager is about 2AM.
41208 The average individual's position in any hierarchy is a lot like pulling
41209 a dogsled -- there's no real change of scenery except for the lead dog.
41211 The average nutritional value of promises is roughly zero.
41213 The average Ph.D thesis is nothing but the transference of bones from
41214 one graveyard to another.
41215 -- J. Frank Dobie, "A Texan in England"
41217 The average woman must inevitably view her actual husband with a certain
41218 disdain; he is anything but her ideal. In consequence, she cannot help
41219 feeling that her children are cruelly handicapped by the fact that he is
41223 The avocation of assessing the failures of better men can be turned
41224 into a comfortable livelihood, providing you back it up with a Ph.D.
41225 -- Nelson Algren, "Writers at Work"
41227 The avoidance of taxes is the only intellectual pursuit that
41228 carries any reward.
41229 -- John Maynard Keynes
41231 The bank called to tell me that I'm overdrawn,
41232 Some freaks are burning crosses out on my front lawn,
41233 And I *can't*believe* it, all the Cheetos are gone,
41234 It's just ONE OF THOSE DAYS!
41235 -- Weird Al Yankovic, "One of Those Days"
41237 The bank sent our statement this morning,
41238 The red ink was a sight of great awe!
41239 Their figures and mine might have balanced,
41240 But my wife was too quick on the draw.
41242 The basic idea behind malls is that they are more convenient than cities.
41243 Cities contain streets, which are dangerous and crowded and difficult to
41244 park in. Malls, on the other hand, have parking lots, which are also
41245 dangerous and crowded and difficult to park in, but -- here is the big
41246 difference -- in mall parking lots, THERE ARE NO RULES. You're allowed to
41247 do anything. You can drive as fast as you want in any direction you want.
41248 I was once driving in a mall parking lot when my car was struck by a pickup
41249 truck being driven backward by a squat man with a tattoo that said "Charlie"
41250 on his forearm, who got out and explained to me, in great detail, why the
41251 accident was my fault, his reasoning being that he was violent and muscular,
41252 whereas I was neither. This kind of reasoning is legally valid in mall
41256 The bay-trees in our country are all wither'd
41257 And meteors fright the fixed stars of heaven;
41258 The pale-faced moon looks bloody on the earth
41259 And lean-look'd prophets whisper fearful change.
41260 These signs forerun the death or fall of kings.
41261 -- Wm. Shakespeare, "Richard II"
41264 Paul McCartney's old back-up band.
41266 The beauty of a pun is in the "Oy!" of the beholder.
41268 The beer-cooled computer does not harm the ozone layer.
41269 -- John M. Ford, a.k.a. Dr. Mike
41271 [If I can read my notes from the Ask Dr. Mike session at Baycon, I
41272 believe he added that the beer-cooled computer uses "Forget Only
41275 The best audience is intelligent, well-educated and a little drunk.
41278 The best book on programming for the layman is "Alice in Wonderland";
41279 but that's because it's the best book on anything for the layman.
41281 The best case: Get salary from America, build a house in England,
41282 live with a Japanese wife, and eat Chinese food.
41283 Pretty good case: Get salary from England, build a house in America,
41284 live with a Chinese wife, and eat Japanese food.
41285 The worst case: Get salary from China, build a house in Japan,
41286 live with a British wife, and eat American food.
41288 --Bungei Shunju, a popular Japanese magazine
41290 The best cure for insomnia is to get a lot of sleep.
41293 The best defense against logic is ignorance.
41295 The best definition of a gentleman is a man who can play the accordion --
41299 The best diplomat I know is a fully activated phaser bank.
41302 The best equipment for your work is, of course, the most expensive.
41303 However, your neighbor is always wasting money that should be yours
41304 by judging things by their price.
41306 The best executive is one who has sense enough to pick good people to do
41307 what he wants done, and self-restraint enough to keep from meddling with
41308 them while they do it.
41309 -- Theodore Roosevelt
41311 The best laid plans of mice and men are held up in the legal department.
41313 The best laid plans of mice and men are usually about equal.
41316 The best man for the job is often a woman.
41318 The best number for a dinner party is two -- myself and a damn good
41320 -- Nubar Gulbenkian
41322 The best portion of a good man's life, his little,
41323 nameless, unremembered acts of kindness and love.
41326 The best prophet of the future is the past.
41328 The best rebuttal to this kind of statistical argument came from the
41329 redoubtable John W. Campbell:
41331 The laws of population growth tell us that approximately half the
41332 people who were ever born in the history of the world are now
41333 dead. There is therefore a 0.5 probability that this message is
41334 being read by a corpse.
41336 The best that we can do is to be kindly and helpful toward our friends and
41337 fellow passengers who are clinging to the same speck of dirt while we are
41338 drifting side by side to our common doom.
41341 The best thing about being bald is, that, when unexpected
41342 company arrives, all you have to do is straighten your tie.
41344 The best thing about growing older is that it takes such a long time.
41346 The best thing that comes out of Iowa is I-80.
41348 The best things in life are for a fee.
41350 The best things in life go on sale sooner or later.
41352 The best way to accelerate a Macintoy is at 9.8 meters per second, squared.
41354 The best way to avoid responsibility is to say, "I've got responsibilities."
41356 The best way to get rid of worries is to let them die of neglect.
41358 The best way to keep your friends is not to give them away.
41360 The best way to preserve a right is to exercise it, and the right to
41361 smoke is a right worth dying for.
41363 The best ways are the most straightforward ways. When you're sitting around
41364 scamming these things out, all kinds of James Bondian ideas come forth, but
41365 when it gets down to the reality of it, the simplest and most straightforward
41366 way is usually the best, and the way that attracts the least attention.
41367 Also, pouring gasoline on the water and lighting it like James Bond doesn't
41368 work either.... They tried it during Prohibition.
41369 -- Thomas King Forcade, marijuana smuggler
41371 The best you get is an even break.
41374 The better part of valor is discretion.
41375 -- William Shakespeare, "Henry IV"
41377 The better the state is established, the fainter is humanity.
41378 To make the individual uncomfortable, that is my task.
41381 The Bible contains six admonishments to homosexuals and 362 admonishments
41382 to heterosexuals. That doesn't mean that God doesn't love heterosexuals.
41383 It's just that they need more supervision.
41385 The Bible is not my Book and Christianity is not my religion. I could
41386 never give assent to the long complicated statements of Christian dogma.
41389 The Bible on letters of reference:
41391 Are we beginning all over again to produce our credentials? Do
41392 we, like some people, need letters of introduction to you, or from you?
41393 No, you are all the letter we need, a letter written on your heart; any
41394 man can see it for what it is and read it for himself.
41395 -- 2 Corinthians 3:1-2, New English translation
41397 The big cities of America are becoming Third World countries.
41400 The big mistake that men make is that when they turn thirteen or fourteen
41401 and all of a sudden they've reached puberty, they believe that they like
41402 women. Actually, you're just horny. It doesn't mean you like women any
41403 more at twenty-one than you did at ten.
41406 The big question is why in the course of evolution the males permitted
41407 themselves to be so totally eclipsed by the females. Why do they tolerate
41408 this total subservience, this wretched existence as outcasts who are
41409 hungry all the time?
41411 The bigger they are, the harder they hit.
41413 The biggest difference between time and space is that you can't reuse time.
41416 The biggest mistake you can make is to believe that you are
41417 working for someone else.
41419 The biggest problem with communication is the illusion that it has
41422 The Bird of Time has but a little way to fly ...
41423 and the bird is on the wing.
41426 The black bear used to be one of the most commonly seen large animals
41427 because in Yosemite and Sequoia national parks they lived off of garbage
41428 and tourist handouts. This bear has learned to open car doors in
41429 Yosemite, where damage to automobiles caused by bears runs into the tens
41430 of thousands of dollars a year. Campaigns to bearproof all garbage
41431 containers in wild areas have been difficult, because as one biologist
41432 put it, "There is a considerable overlap between the intelligence levels
41433 of the smartest bears and the dumbest tourists."
41435 The bland leadeth the bland and they both shall fall into the kitsch.
41437 The bomb will never go off. I speak as an expert in explosives.
41438 -- Admiral William Leahy, U.S. Atomic Bomb Project
41440 The bone-chilling scream split the warm summer night in two, the first
41441 half being before the scream when it was fairly balmy and calm and
41442 pleasant, the second half still balmy and quite pleasant for those who
41443 hadn't heard the scream at all, but not calm or balmy or even very nice
41444 for those who did hear the scream, discounting the little period of time
41445 during the actual scream itself when your ears might have been hearing it
41446 but your brain wasn't reacting yet to let you know.
41447 -- Winning sentence, 1986 Bulwer-Lytton bad fiction contest.
41449 The boy stood on the burning deck,
41450 Eating peanuts by the peck.
41451 His father called him, but he could not go,
41452 For he loved those peanuts so.
41454 The brain is a wonderful organ; it starts working the moment
41455 you get up in the morning, and does not stop until you get to work.
41457 The Briggs - Chase Law of Program Development:
41458 To determine how long it will take to write and debug a
41459 program, take your best estimate, multiply that by two, add
41460 one, and convert to the next higher units.
41462 The British are coming! The British are coming!
41464 The broad mass of a nation... will more easily
41465 fall victim to a big lie than to a small one.
41466 -- Adolf Hitler, "Mein Kampf"
41468 The brotherhood of man is not a mere poet's dream; it is a most depressing
41469 and humiliating reality.
41472 The Buddha, the Godhead, resides quite as comfortably in the circuits of a
41473 digital computer or the gears of a cycle transmission as he does at the top
41474 of a mountain or in the petals of a flower. To think otherwise is to demean
41475 the Buddha -- which is to demean oneself.
41476 -- Robert Pirsig, "Zen and the Art of Motorcycle Maintenance"
41478 The bugs you have to avoid are the ones that give the user not only
41479 the inclination to get on a plane, but also the time.
41482 The Bulwer-Lytton fiction contest is held ever year at San Jose State
41483 Univ. by Professor Scott Rice. It is held in memory of Edward George
41484 Earle Bulwer-Lytton (1803-1873), a rather prolific and popular (in his
41485 time) novelist. He is best known today for having written "The Last
41488 Whenever Snoopy starts typing his novel from the top of his doghouse,
41489 beginning "It was a dark and stormy night..." he is borrowing from Lord
41490 Bulwer-Lytton. This was the line that opened his novel, "Paul Clifford,"
41491 written in 1830. The full line reveals why it is so bad:
41493 It was a dark and stormy night; the rain fell in torrents -- except
41494 at occasional intervals, when it was checked by a violent gust of
41495 wind which swept up the streets (for it is in London that our scene
41496 lies), rattling along the housetops, and fiercely agitating the scanty
41497 flame of the lamps that struggled against the darkness.
41499 The cable TV sex channels don't expand our horizons, don't make us better
41500 people, and don't come in clearly enough.
41503 The camel died quite suddenly on the second day, and Selena fretted
41504 sullenly and, buffing her already impeccable nails -- not for the first
41505 time since the journey begain -- pondered snidely if this would dissolve
41506 into a vignette of minor inconveniences like all the other holidays spent
41508 -- Winning sentence, 1983 Bulwer-Lytton bad fiction contest.
41510 The carbonyl is polarized,
41511 The delta end is plus.
41512 The nucleophile will thus attack,
41513 The carbon nucleus.
41514 Addition makes an alcohol,
41515 Of types there are but three.
41516 It makes a bond, to correspond,
41517 From C to shining C.
41518 -- Prof. Frank Westheimer, to "America the Beautiful"
41520 The cart has no place where a fifth wheel could be used.
41521 -- Herbert von Fritzlar
41523 The Celts invented two things, Whiskey and self-distruction.
41525 The chains of marriage are so heavy that it takes two to carry them, and
41529 The chicken that clucks the loudest is the one most likely to show up
41530 at the steam fitters picnic.
41532 The chief cause of problems is solutions.
41535 The chief enemy of creativity is "good" sense
41538 The church is near but the road is icy,
41539 the bar is far away but I will walk carefully.
41542 The church saves sinners, but science seeks to stop their manufacture.
41545 The City of Palo Alto, in its official description of parking lot standards,
41546 specifies the grade of wheelchair access ramps in terms of centimeters of
41547 rise per foot of run. A compromise, I imagine...
41549 The clash of ideas is the sound of freedom.
41551 The clearest way into the Universe is through a forest wilderness.
41554 The clergy successfully preached the doctrines of patience and pusillanimity;
41555 the active virtues of society were discouraged; and the last remains of a
41556 military spirit were buried in the cloister: a large portion of public and
41557 private wealth was consecrated to the specious demands of charity and devotion;
41558 and the soldiers' pay was lavished on the useless multitudes of both sexes
41559 who could only plead the merits of abstinence and chastity.
41560 -- Edward Gibbons, "The Decline and Fall of the Roman Empire"
41562 The climate of Bombay is such that its inhabitants have to live elsewhere.
41564 The closest to perfection a person ever comes is when they fill out a
41567 The closest to perfection a person ever comes
41568 is when he fills out a job application form.
41569 -- Stanley J. Randall
41571 The clothes have no emperor.
41572 -- C.A.R. Hoare, commenting on ADA.
41574 The coast was clear.
41577 The college graduate is presented with a sheepskin to cover his
41578 intellectual nakedness.
41579 -- Robert M. Hutchins
41581 The Commandments of the EE:
41583 1: Beware of lightning that lurketh in an uncharged condenser
41584 lest it cause thee to bounce upon thy buttocks in a most
41585 embarrassing manner.
41586 2: Cause thou the switch that supplieth large quantities of juice to
41587 be opened and thusly tagged, that thy days may be long in this
41588 earthly vale of tears.
41589 3: Prove to thyself that all circuits that radiateth, and upon
41590 which the worketh, are grounded and thusly tagged lest they lift
41591 thee to a radio frequency potential and causeth thee to make like
41593 4: Tarry thou not amongst these fools that engage in intentional
41594 shocks for they are not long for this world and are surely
41597 The Commandments of the EE:
41599 5: Take care that thou useth the proper method when thou takest the
41600 measures of high-voltage circuits too, that thou dost not incinerate
41601 both thee and thy test meter, for verily, though thou has no company
41602 property number and can be easily surveyed, the test meter has
41603 one and, as a consequence, bringeth much woe unto a purchasing agent.
41604 6: Take care that thou tamperest not with interlocks and safety devices,
41605 for this incurreth the wrath of the chief electrician and bring
41606 the fury of the engineers on his head.
41607 7: Work thou not on energized equipment for if thou doest so, thy
41608 friends will surely be buying beers for thy widow and consoling
41609 her in certain ways not generally acceptable to thee.
41610 8: Verily, verily I say unto thee, never service equipment alone,
41611 for electrical cooking is a slow process and thou might sizzle in
41612 thy own fat upon a hot circuit for hours on end before thy maker
41613 sees fit to end thy misery and drag thee into his fold.
41615 The Commandments of the EE:
41617 9: Trifle thee not with radioactive tubes and substances lest thou
41618 commence to glow in the dark like a lightning bug, and thy wife be
41619 frustrated and have not further use for thee except for thy wages.
41620 10: Commit thou to memory all the words of the prophets which are
41621 written down in thy Bible which is the National Electrical Code,
41622 and giveth out with the straight dope and consoleth thee when
41623 thou hast suffered a ream job by the chief electrician.
41624 11: When thou muckest about with a device in an unthinking and/or
41625 unknowing manner, thou shalt keep one hand in thy pocket. Better
41626 that thou shouldest keep both hands in thy pockets than
41627 experimentally determine the electrical potential of an
41628 innocent-seeming device.
41630 The common cormorant, or shag, lays eggs inside a paper bag.
41632 The computer industry is journalists in their 20's standing in awe of
41633 entrepreneurs in their 30's who are hiring salesmen in their 40's and
41634 50's and paying them in the 60's and 70's to bring their marketing into
41638 The computer is to the information industry roughly what the
41639 central power station is to the electrical industry.
41642 The computing field is always in need of new cliches.
41645 The concept seems to be clear by now. It has been
41646 defined several times by examples of what it is not.
41648 The connection between the language in which we think/program and the problems
41649 and solutions we can imagine is very close. For this reason restricting
41650 language features with the intent of eliminating programmer errors is at best
41652 -- Bjarne Stroustrup
41654 The Constitution may not be perfect, but it's a lot better
41655 than what we've got!
41657 The control of the production of wealth
41658 is the control of human life itself.
41661 The correct way to punctuate a sentence that starts: "Of course it is
41662 none of my business, but --" is to place a period after the word "but."
41663 Don't use excessive force in supplying such a moron with a period.
41664 Cutting his throat is only a momentary pleasure and is bound to get
41668 The cost of feathers has risen, even down is up!
41670 The cost of living has just gone up another dollar a quart.
41673 The cost of living hasn't affected its popularity.
41675 The cost of living is going up, and the chance of living is going down.
41677 The countdown had stalled at 'T' minus 69 seconds when Desiree, the first
41678 female ape to go up in space, winked at me slyly and pouted her thick,
41679 rubbery lips unmistakably -- the first of many such advances during what
41680 would prove to be the longest, and most memorable, space voyage of my
41682 -- Winning sentence, 1985 Bulwer-Lytton bad fiction contest.
41684 The course of true anything never does run smooth.
41687 The courtroom was pregnant (pun intended) with anxious silence as the
41688 judge solemnly considered his verdict in the paternity suit before him.
41689 Suddenly, he reached into the folds of his robes, drew out a cigar and
41690 ceremoniously handed it to the defendant.
41691 "Congratulations!" declaimed the jurist. "You have just become a
41694 The covers of this book are too far apart.
41695 -- Book review by Ambrose Bierce.
41697 The cow is nothing but a machine which makes grass fit for us people to eat.
41700 The Crown is full of it!
41701 -- Nate Harris, 1775
41703 The cry has been that when war is declared, all opposition should therefore
41704 be hushed. A sentiment more unworthy of a free country could hardly be
41705 propagated. If the doctrine be admitted, rulers have only to declare war
41706 and they are screened at once from scrutiny. ... In war, then, as in peace,
41707 assert the freedom of speech and of the press. Cling to this as the bulwark
41708 of all our rights and privileges.
41709 -- William Ellery Channing
41712 The curse of the Irish is not that they don't know the
41713 words to a song -- it's that they know them *all*.
41716 The "cutting edge" is getting rather dull.
41719 The Czechs announced after Sputnik that they, too, would launch
41720 a satellite. Of course, it would orbit Sputnik, not Earth!
41722 The danger is not that a particular class is unfit to govern.
41723 Every class is unfit to govern.
41726 The dangerous Lego Bomb, which targets shag rugs and scatters pieces of
41727 plastic that hurt like hell when you step on them is banned entirely....
41728 Hiring David Copperfield to pretend to saw the missiles in half will not
41729 be permitted... In order to reduce risk of accidental war, both sides
41730 agree to ban the popular but dangerous 'Simon Says' training drill at
41731 nuclear launch sites... Under no circumstances will either side reveal
41732 that it hammered out the treaty in one afternoon, but spent the last nine
41733 years arguing the Monty Hall and the three doors problem.
41734 -- Little known provisions of the START treaty by James Lileks
41736 The day advanced as if to light some work of mine; it was morning,
41737 and lo! now it is evening, and nothing memorable is accomplished.
41740 The day will come when the mystical generation of Jesus, by the Supreme Being
41741 as his Father, in the womb of a virgin will be classified with the fable of
41742 the generation of Minerva in the brain of Jupiter. But we may hope that the
41743 dawn of reason and freedom of thought in these United States will do away with
41744 this artificial scaffolding and restore to us the primitive and genuine
41745 doctrines of this most venerated Reformer of human errors.
41746 -- Thomas Jefferson
41748 The days are all empty and the nights are unreal.
41750 The days just prior to marriage are like a snappy introduction
41753 The day-to-day travails of the IBM programmer are so amusing to most of us
41754 who are fortunate enough never to have been one -- like watching Charlie
41755 Chaplin trying to cook a shoe.
41757 The debate rages on: Is PL/I Bachtrian or Dromedary?
41759 The decision doesn't have to be logical; it was unanimous.
41761 The default Magic Word, "Abracadabra", actually is a corruption of the
41762 Hebrew phrase "ha-Bracha dab'ra" which means "pronounce the blessing".
41764 The degree of civilization in a society
41765 can be judged by entering its prisons.
41768 The degree of technical confidence is inversely
41769 proportional to the level of management.
41771 The denunciation of the young is a necessary part of the hygiene of older
41772 people, and greatly assists in the circulation of the blood.
41773 -- Logan Pearsall Smith
41775 The departing division general manager met a last time with his young
41776 successor and gave him three envelopes. "My predecessor did this for me,
41777 and I'll pass the tradition along to you," he said. "At the first sign
41778 of trouble, open the first envelope. Any further difficulties, open the
41779 second envelope. Then, if problems continue, open the third envelope.
41780 Good luck." The new manager returned to his office and tossed the envelopes
41782 Six months later, costs soared and earnings plummeted. Shaken, the
41783 young man opened the first envelope, which said, "Blame it all on me."
41784 The next day, he held a press conference and did just that. The
41786 Six months later, sales dropped precipitously. The beleagured
41787 manager opened the second envelope. It said, "Reorganize."
41788 He held another press conference, announcing that the division
41789 would be restructured. The crisis passed.
41790 A year later, everything went wrong at once and the manager was
41791 blamed for all of it. The harried executive closed his office door, sank
41792 into his chair, and opened the third envelope.
41793 "Prepare three envelopes..." it said.
41795 The descent to Hades is the same from every place.
41798 The devil can cite Scripture for his purpose.
41799 -- William Shakespeare, "The Merchant of Venice"
41801 The devil finds work for idle circuits to do.
41803 The devil finds work for idle glands.
41806 -- Gaius Julius Caesar
41808 The difference between a career and a job is about 20 hours a week.
41810 The difference between a good haircut and a bad one is seven days.
41812 The difference between a Miracle and a Fact is
41813 exactly the difference between a mermaid and a seal.
41816 The difference between a misfortune and a calamity? If Gladstone fell into
41817 the Thames, it would be a misfortune. But if someone dragged him out again,
41818 it would be a calamity.
41819 -- Benjamin Disraeli
41821 The difference between America and England is, the English think 100
41822 miles is a long distance and the Americans think 100 years is a long time.
41824 The difference between art and science is that science is what we
41825 understand well enough to explain to a computer. Art is everything else.
41826 -- Donald Knuth, "Discover"
41828 The difference between common-sense and paranoia is that common-sense is
41829 thinking everyone is out to get you. That's normal -- they are. Paranoia
41830 is thinking that they're conspiring.
41833 The difference between dogs and cats is that dogs come when they're
41834 called. Cats take a message and get back to you.
41836 The difference between genius and stupidity is that genius has its limits.
41838 The difference between legal separation and divorce is
41839 that legal separation gives the man time to hide his money.
41841 The difference between reality and unreality
41842 is that reality has so little to recommend it.
41845 The difference between science and the fuzzy subjects is that science
41846 requires reasoning while those other subjects merely require scholarship.
41849 The difference between sentiment and being sentimental is the following:
41850 Sentiment is when a driver swerves out of the way to avoid hitting a
41851 rabbit on the road. Being sentimental is when the same driver, when
41852 swerving away from the rabbit hits a pedestrian.
41853 -- Frank Herbert, "The White Plague"
41855 The difference between sentiment and sentimentality is easy to see. When
41856 you avoid killing somebody's pet on the glazeway, that's sentiment. If you
41857 swerve to avoid the pet and that causes you to kill pedestrians, THAT is
41859 -- Frank Herbert, "Chapterhouse: Dune"
41861 The difference between the right word and the almost right word
41862 is the difference between lightning and the lightning bug.
41865 The difference between this place and yogurt
41866 is that yogurt has a live culture.
41868 The difference between us is not very far,
41869 cruising for burgers in daddy's new car.
41871 The difference between waltzes and disco is mostly one of volume.
41874 The difficult we do today; the impossible takes a little longer.
41876 The dirty work at political conventions is almost always done in
41877 the grim hours between midnight and dawn. Hangmen and politicians
41878 work best when the human spirit is at its lowest ebb.
41881 The discerning person is always at a disadvantage.
41883 The disks are getting full; purge a file today.
41885 The distinction between Freedom and Liberty is not accurately known;
41886 naturalists have been unable to find a living specimen of either.
41889 The distinction between true and false appears to become
41890 increasingly blurred by... the pollution of the language.
41893 The divinity of Jesus is made a convenient cover for absurdity. Nowhere in
41894 the Gospels do we find a precept for Creeds, Confessions, Oaths, Doctrines,
41895 and whole carloads of other foolish trumpery that we find in Christianity.
41898 The door is the key.
41900 The duck hunter trained his retriever to walk on water. Eager to show off
41901 this amazing accomplishment, he asked a friend to go along on his next
41902 hunting trip. Saying nothing, he fired his first shot and, as the duck fell,
41903 the dog walked on the surface of the water, retrieved the duck and returned
41905 "Notice anything?" the owner asked eagerly.
41906 "Yes," said his friend, "I see that fool dog of yours can't swim."
41908 The duration of passion is proportionate with the original resistance
41910 -- Honore de Balzac
41912 The eagle may soar, but the weasel never gets sucked into a jet engine.
41914 The early bird gets the coffee left over from the night before.
41916 The early bird who catches the worm works for someone who comes in late
41917 and owns the worm farm.
41920 The early worm gets the bird.
41922 The early worm gets the late bird.
41924 The earth is like a tiny grain of sand, only much, much heavier.
41926 "The easy confidence with which I know another man's religion is folly
41927 teaches me to suspect that my own is also."
41929 "I would not interfere with any one's religion, either to strengthen it
41930 or to weaken it. I am not able to believe one's religion can affect his
41931 hereafter one way or the other, no matter what that religion may be.
41932 But it may easily be a great comfort to him in this life -- hence it is a
41933 valuable possession to him."
41935 "I do not see how eternal punishment hereafter could accomplish any good
41936 end, therefore I am not able to believe in it. To chasten a man in order
41937 to perfect him might be reasonable enough; to annihilate him when he shall
41938 have proved himself incapable of reaching perfection mught be reasonable
41939 enough; but to roast him forever for the mere satisfaction of seeing him
41940 roast would not be reasonable -- even the atrocious God imagined by the Jews
41941 would tire of the spectacle eventually."
41944 The egg cream is psychologically the opposite of circumcision -- it
41945 *pleasurably* reaffirms your Jewishness.
41948 The elder gods went to Yuggoth, and all you got was this lousy fortune.
41950 The Encyclopaedia Galactica defines a robot as a mechanical apparatus designed
41951 to do the work of a man. The marketing division of Sirius Cybernetics
41952 Corporation defines a robot as 'Your Plastic Pal Who's Fun To Be With'.
41953 The Hitch Hiker's Guide to the Galaxy defines the marketing division of the
41954 Sirius Cybernetics Corporation as 'a bunch of mindless jerks who'll be the
41955 first against the wall when the revolution comes', with a footnote to effect
41956 that the editors would welcome applications from anyone interested in taking
41957 over the post of robotics correspondent.
41958 Curiously enough, an edition of the Encyclopaedia Galactica that
41959 had the good fortune to fall through a time warp from a thousand years in
41960 the future defined the marketing division of the Sirius Cybernetics
41961 Corporation as 'a bunch of mindless jerks who were the first against the
41962 wall when the revolution came'.
41964 The end move in politics is always to pick up a gun.
41965 -- Buckminster Fuller
41967 The end of labor is to gain leisure.
41969 The end of the world will occur at three p.m., this Friday,
41970 with symposium to follow.
41972 The ends justify the means.
41973 -- after Matthew Prior
41975 The energy produced by the breaking down of the atom is a very poor kind
41976 of thing. Anyone who expects a source of power from the transformation
41977 of these atoms is talking moonshine.
41978 -- Ernest Rutherford, after he had split the atom for
41981 The English country gentleman galloping after a fox -- the unspeakable
41982 in full pursuit of the uneatable.
41983 -- Oscar Wilde, "A Woman of No Importance"
41985 The English have no respect for their language,
41986 and will not teach their children to speak it.
41989 The English instinctively admire any man
41990 who has no talent and is modest about it.
41991 -- James Agate, British film and drama critic
41993 The entire work force of the Communist countries is sunjected to periodic
41994 purges (called verifications in Newspeak). One of the most severe took
41995 place in 1957 when Novotny, rattled by the Hungarian Revolution the year
41996 before, tried hard to weed out "radishes" (red outside, white inside) from
41997 all but insignificant positions. Any one of the following would often
41998 result in the loss of one's job: Bourgeois or Jewish family background,
41999 relatives abroad, contacts with former capitalists, having lived in a
42000 Western country, insufficient knowledge of Communist literature, and others.
42002 A man is interviewed by a "Verification Committee."
42003 "What kind of family do you come from?"
42004 "A rich, Jewish family."
42006 "A German aristocrat."
42007 "Have you ever been to the West?"
42008 "I spent most of my life in England."
42009 "How did you make a living there?"
42010 "A friend supported me."
42011 "Where did you get the money from?"
42012 "He owned a textile factory."
42014 "Never heard of him."
42015 "What is your name?"
42018 [The ERA] encourages women to leave their husbands, kill their children,
42019 practice witchcraft, destroy capitalism and become lesbians.
42020 -- Pat Robertson, Man of God and serious Republican
42021 presidential aspirant.
42023 The error of youth is to believe that intelligence is a substitute
42024 for experience, while the error of age is to believe experience is
42025 a substitute for intelligence.
42028 The eternal feminine draws us upward.
42031 The executioner is, I hear, very expert, and my neck is very slender.
42034 The explanation requiring the fewest assumptions
42035 is the most likely to be correct.
42036 -- William of Occam
42038 The eye is a menace to clear sight, the ear is a menace to subtle hearing,
42039 the mind is a menace to wisdom, every organ of the senses is a menace to its
42040 own capacity. ... Fuss, the god of the Southern Ocean, and Fret, the god
42041 of the Northern Ocean, happened once to meet in the realm of Chaos, the god
42042 of the center. Chaos treated them very handsomely and they discussed together
42043 what they could do to repay his kindness. They had noticed that, whereas
42044 everyone else had seven apertures, for sight, hearing, eating, breathing and
42045 so on, Chaos had none. So they decided to make the experiment of boring holes
42046 in him. Every day they bored a hole, and on the seventh day, Chaos died.
42049 The eyes of taxes are upon you.
42051 The eyes of Texas are upon you,
42052 All the livelong day;
42053 The eyes of Texas are upon you,
42054 You cannot get away;
42055 Do not think you can escape them
42056 From night 'til early in the morn;
42057 The eyes of Texas are upon you
42058 'Til Gabriel blows his horn.
42059 -- University of Texas' school song
42061 The fact that an opinion has been widely held is no evidence that it is not
42062 utterly absurd; indeed, in view of the silliness of the majority of mankind,
42063 a widespread belief is more often likely to be foolish than sensible.
42064 -- Bertrand Russell, in "Marriage and Morals", 1929
42066 The fact that Hitler was a political genius unmasks the nature of politics
42067 in general as no other can.
42070 The fact that it works is immaterial.
42073 The fact that people are poor or discriminated against doesn't necessarily
42074 endow them with any special qualities of justice, nobility, charity or
42078 The famous politician was trying to save both his faces.
42080 The farther you go, the less you know.
42081 -- Lao Tsu, "Tao Te Ching"
42083 The fashion wears out more apparel than the man.
42084 -- William Shakespeare, "Much Ado About Nothing"
42086 The fashionable drawing rooms of London have always been happy to accept
42087 outsiders -- if only on their own, albeit undemanding terms. That is to
42088 say, artists, so long as they are not too talented, men of humble birth,
42089 so long as they have since amassed several million pounds, and socialists
42090 so long as they are Tories.
42091 -- Christopher Booker
42093 The faster I go, the behinder I get.
42096 The Fastest Defeat In Chess
42097 The big name for us in the world of chess is Gibaud, a French chess
42099 In Paris during 1924 he was beaten after only four moves by a
42100 Monsieur Lazard. Happily for posterity, the moves are recorded and so
42101 chess enthusiasts may reconstruct this magnificent collapse in the comfort
42102 of their own homes.
42103 Lazard was black and Gibaud white:
42108 White then resigns on realizing that a fifth move would involve
42109 either a Q-KR5 check or the loss of his queen.
42110 -- Stephen Pile, "The Book of Heroic Failures"
42112 The father, passing through his son's college town late one evening on a
42113 business trip, thought he would pay his boy a surprise visit. Arriving at the
42114 lad's fraternity house, dad rapped loudly on the door. After several minutes
42115 of knocking, a sleepy voice drifted down from a second-floor window,
42117 "Does Ramsey Duncan live here?" asked the father.
42118 "Yeah," replied the voice. "Dump him on the front porch."
42120 The feeling persists that no one can simultaneously be a respectable writer
42121 and understand how a refrigerator works, just as no gentleman wears a brown
42122 suit in the city. Colleges may be to blame. English majors are encouraged,
42123 I know, to hate chemistry and physics, and to be proud because they are not
42124 dull and creepy and humorless and war-oriented like the engineers across the
42125 quad. And our most impressive critics have commonly been such English majors,
42126 and they are squeamish about technology to this very day. So it is natural
42127 for them to despise science fiction.
42128 -- Kurt Vonnegut Jr., "Science Fiction"
42130 The fellow sat down at a bar, ordered a drink and asked the bartender if he
42131 wanted to hear a dumb-jock joke.
42132 "Hey, buddy," the bartender replied, "you see those two guys next to
42133 you? They used to be with the Chicago Bears. The two dudes behind you made
42134 the U.S. Olympic wrestling team. And for you information, I used to play
42135 center at Notre Dame."
42136 "Forget it," the customer said. "I don't want to explain it five
42139 "The feminist agenda," Pat Robertson observed in a recent letter to his
42140 supporters, "is not about equal rights for women. It is about a socialist,
42141 anti-family political movement that encourages women to leave their
42142 husbands, kill their children, practice witchcraft, destroy capitalism
42143 and become lesbians."
42146 You have taken yourself too seriously.
42148 The final delusion is the belief that one has lost all delusions.
42149 -- Maurice Chapelain, "Main courante"
42151 The finest eloquence is that which gets things done.
42153 The first and almost the only Book deserving of universal attention is
42155 -- John Quincy Adams
42157 All the good from the Saviour of the world is communicated through this Book;
42158 but for the Book we could not know right from wrong. All the things desirable
42159 to man are contained in it.
42162 ... the Bible ... is the one supreme source of revelation of the meaning of
42163 life, the nature of God and spiritual nature and need of men. It is the only
42164 guide of life which really leads the spirit in the way of peace and salvation.
42167 The first duty of a revolutionary is to get away with it.
42170 The first Great Steward, Parrafin the Climber, was employed in King
42171 Chloroplast's kitchen as second scullery boy when the old King met a tragic
42172 death. He apparently fell backward by accident on a dozen salad forks.
42173 Simultaneously the true heir, his son Carotene, mysteriously fled the city,
42174 complaining of some sort of plot and a lot of threatening notes left on his
42175 breakfast tray. At the time, this looked suspicious what with his father's
42176 death, and Carotene was suspected of foul play. Then the rest of the King's
42177 relatives began to drop dead one after the other in an odd fashion. Some
42178 were found strangled with dishrags and some succumbed to food poisoning. A
42179 few were found drowned in the soup vats, and one was attacked by assailants
42180 unknown and beaten to death with a pot roast. At least three appear to have
42181 thrown themselves backward on salad forks, perhaps in a noble gesture of
42182 grief over the King's untimely end. Finally there was no one left in Minas
42183 Troney who was either eligible or willing to wear the accursed crown, and
42184 the rule of Twodor was up for grabs. The scullery slave Parrafin bravely
42185 accepted the Stewardship of Twodor until that day when a lineal descendant
42186 of Carotene's returns to reclaim his rightful throne, conquer Twodor's
42187 enemies, and revamp the postal system.
42188 -- Bored of the Rings, "Harvard Lampoon"
42190 The first guy that rats gets a bellyful of slugs in the head. Understand?
42191 -- Joey Glimco, trade unionist
42193 The first guy that rats gets a belly-full of slugs in the head.
42197 The first half of our lives is ruined by our parents and the second half
42201 The first marriage is the triumph of imagination over intelligence,
42202 and the second the triumph of hope over experience.
42204 The first myth of management is that it exists.
42206 The first requisite for immortality is death.
42209 The first riddle I ever heard, one familiar to almost every Jewish child,
42210 was propounded to me by my father:
42212 "What is it that hangs on the wall, is green, wet -- and whistles?"
42213 I knit my brow and thought and thought, and in final perplexity gave up.
42214 "A herring," said my father.
42215 "A herring," I echoed. "A herring doesn't hang on the wall!"
42216 "So hang it there."
42217 "But a herring isn't green!" I protested.
42219 "But a herring isn't wet."
42220 "If it's just painted it's still wet."
42221 "But -- " I sputtered, summoning all my outrage,
42222 "a herring doesn't whistle!!"
42223 "Right, " smiled my father. "I just put that in to make it hard."
42226 The first Rotarian was the first man to call John the Baptist "Jack."
42229 The first rule of intelligent tinkering is to save all the parts.
42232 The first rule of intelligent tinkering is to save all the parts.
42235 The First Rule of Program Optimization:
42238 The Second Rule of Program Optimization (for experts only!):
42242 The first thing I do in the morning
42243 is brush my teeth and sharpen my tongue.
42246 The first thing we do, let's kill all the lawyers.
42247 -- Wm. Shakespeare, "Henry VI", Part IV
42249 The first version always gets thrown away.
42251 The five rules of Socialism:
42254 2. If you do think, don't speak.
42255 3. If you think and speak, don't write.
42256 4. If you think, speak and write, don't sign.
42257 5. If you think, speak, write and sign, don't be surprised.
42259 -- being told in Poland, 1987
42261 ...the flaw that makes perfection perfect.
42263 The flow chart is a most thoroughly oversold piece of program documentation.
42264 -- Frederick Brooks, "The Mythical Man Month"
42266 The flush toilet is the basis of Western civilization.
42269 The following statement is not true.
42270 The previous statement is true.
42272 The Following Subsume All Physical and Human Laws:
42274 1. You can't push on a string.
42275 2. Ain't no free lunches.
42276 3. Them as has, gets.
42277 4. You can't win them all, but you sure as hell can lose them all.
42279 The Force is what holds everything together.
42280 It has its dark side, and it has its light side.
42281 It's sort of like cosmic duct tape.
42283 The [Ford Foundation] is a large body of money
42284 completely surrounded by people who want some.
42285 -- Dwight MacDonald
42287 The forest is safe because a lion lives therein and the lion is safe
42288 because it lives in a forest. Likewise the friendship of persons
42289 rests on mutual help.
42292 The fortune program is supported, in part, by user contributions
42293 and by a major grant from the National Endowment for the Inanities.
42295 The founding fathers tried to set up a judicial system where the accused
42296 received a fair trial, not a system to ensure an acquittal on technicalities.
42298 The founding fathers tried to set up a system where a man got a fair
42299 trial, not a system to get let him get off on technicalities.
42301 The fountain code has been tightened slightly so you can no longer dip
42302 objects into a fountain or drink from one while you are floating in mid-air
42304 Teleporting to hell via a teleportation trap will no longer occur
42305 if the character does not have fire resistance.
42306 -- README file from the NetHack game
42308 [The French Riviera is] a sunny place for shady people.
42309 -- W. Somerset Maugham
42311 The full impact of parenthood doesn't hit you until you multiply the
42312 number of your kids by thirty-two teeth.
42314 The full potentialities of human fury cannot be reached until a friend
42315 of both parties tactfully interferes.
42318 The function of the expert is not to be more right than other people,
42319 but to be wrong for more sophisticated reasons.
42320 -- Dr. David Butler, British psephologist
42322 The future is a myth created by insurance
42323 salesmen and high school counselors.
42325 The future is a race between education and catastrophe.
42328 The future isn't what it used to be. (It never was.)
42330 The future lies ahead.
42332 The future not being born, my friend,
42333 we will abstain from baptizing it.
42336 The garden is in mourning;
42337 The rain falls cool among the flowers.
42338 Summer shivers quietly
42339 On its way towards its end.
42341 Golden leaf after leaf
42342 Falls from the tall acacia.
42343 Summer smiles, astonished, feeble,
42344 In this dying dream of a garden.
42346 For a long while, yet, in the roses,
42347 She will linger on, yearning for peace,
42349 Close her weary eyes.
42350 -- Hermann Hesse, "September"
42352 The generation of random numbers is too important to be left to chance.
42354 The genius of our ruling class is that it has kept a majority of the
42355 people from ever questioning the inequity of a system where most people
42356 drudge along paying heavy taxes for which they get nothing in return.
42359 The gent who wakes up and finds himself a success hasn't been asleep.
42361 The gentlemen looked one another over with microscopic carelessness.
42363 The girl who remembers her first kiss now has a daughter who can't even
42364 remember her first husband.
42366 The girl who stoops to conquer usually wears a low-cut dress.
42368 The girl who swears no one has ever made love to her has a right to swear.
42371 The glances over cocktails
42372 That seemed to be so sweet
42373 Don't seem quite so amorous
42374 Over Shredded Wheat
42376 The goal of Computer Science is to build something
42377 that will at least last until we've finished building it.
42379 The goal of science is to build better mousetraps.
42380 The goal of nature is to build better mice.
42382 The gods gave man fire and he invented fire engines.
42383 They gave him love and he invented marriage.
42385 The Golden Rule is of no use to you whatever unless you realize it
42389 The Golden Rule of Arts and Sciences:
42390 He who has the gold makes the rules.
42392 The good die young -- because they see it's no use living if you've got
42396 The good (I am convinced, for one)
42397 Is but the bad one leaves undone.
42398 Once your reputation's done
42399 You can live a life of fun.
42402 The good life was so elusive
42403 It really got me down
42404 I had to regain some confidence
42405 So I got into camouflage
42407 The good time is approaching,
42408 The season is at hand.
42409 When the merry click of the two-base lick
42410 Will be heard throughout the land.
42411 The frost still lingers on the earth, and
42412 Budless are the trees.
42413 But the merry ring of the voice of spring
42414 Is borne upon the breeze.
42415 -- Ode to Opening Day, "The Sporting News", 1886
42418 If a string has one end, it has another.
42420 The government has just completed work on a missile that turned out
42421 to be a bit of a boondoggle; nicknamed "Civil Servant", it won't work
42422 and they can't fire it.
42424 The Government just announced today the creation of the Neutron Bomb II.
42425 Similar to the Neutron Bomb, the Neutron Bomb II not only kills people
42426 and leaves buildings standing, but also does a little light housekeeping.
42428 The government of the United States is not in any sense founded on the
42430 -- George Washington
42432 The government was contemplating the dispatch of an expedition to Burma,
42433 with a view to taking Rangoon, and a question arose as to who would be the
42434 fittest general to be sent in command of the expedition. The Cabinet sent
42435 for the Duke of Wellington, and asked his advice. He instantly replied,
42436 "Send Lord Combermere."
42437 "But we have always understood that your Grace thought Lord
42438 Combermere a fool."
42439 "So he is a fool, and a damned fool; but he can take Rangoon."
42442 The goys have proven the following theorem...
42443 -- Physicist John von Neumann, at the start of a classroom
42446 The grass is always greener on the other side of your sunglasses.
42448 The grave's a fine and private place,
42449 but none, I think, do there embrace.
42452 The graveyards are full of indispensable men.
42453 -- Charles de Gaulle
42455 The Great Bald Swamp Hedgehog:
42456 The Gerat Bald Swamp Hedgehog of Billericay displays, in courtship,
42457 his single prickle and does impressions of Holiday Inn desk clerks.
42458 Since this means him standing motionless for enormous periods of
42459 time he is often eaten in full display by The Great Bald Swamp
42461 -- Mike Harding, "The Armchair Anarchist's Almanac"
42463 The great merit of society is to make one appreciate solitude.
42464 -- Charles Chincholles, "Reflections on the Art of Life"
42466 The Great Movie Posters:
42468 *A Giggle Gurgling Gulp of Glee*
42469 With Pretty Girls, Peppy Scenes, and Gorgeous Revues -- plus a good story.
42470 -- Tea with a Kick (1924)
42472 Whoopie! Let's go!... Hand-picked Beauties doing cute tricks!
42473 GET IN THE KNOW FOR THE HEY-HEY WHOOPIE!
42474 -- The Wild Party (1929)
42476 YOU HEAR HIM MAKE LOVE!
42477 DIX -- the dashing soldier!
42478 DIX -- the bold adventurer!
42479 DIX -- the throbbing lover!
42480 -- The Wheel of Life (1929)
42482 SEE CHARLES BUTTERWORTH DRIVE A STREETCAR AND SING LOVE
42483 SONGS TO HIS MARE "MITZIE"!
42484 -- The Night is Young (1934)
42486 The Great Movie Posters:
42488 A mis-spawned murderous abomination from the nether reaches of an
42490 -- The Killer of Castle Brood (1967)
42492 NEW -- SICKENING HORROR to make your STOMACH TURN and FLESH CRAWL!
42493 -- Frankenstein's Bloody Terror (1968)
42495 LUST-MAD MEN AND LAWLESS WOMEN IN A VICIOUS AND SENTUOUS ORGY OF
42497 -- Five Bloody Graves (1969)
42499 The family that slays together stays together.
42500 -- Bloody Mama (1970)
42502 The Great Movie Posters:
42504 An AVALANCHE of KILLER WORMS!
42507 Most Movies Live Less Than Two Hours.
42508 This Is One of Everlasting Torment!
42509 -- The New House on the Left (1977)
42511 WE ARE GOING TO EAT YOU!
42514 It's not human and it's got an axe.
42517 The Great Movie Posters:
42519 Different! Daring! Dynamic! Defying! Dumbfounding!
42520 SEE Uncle Tom lead the Negroes to FREEDOM!
42521 ... Now, all the SENSUAL and VIOLENT passions Roots couldn't show on TV!
42522 -- Uncle Tom's Cabin (1972)
42524 An appalling amalgam of carnage and carnality!
42525 -- Flesh and Blood Show (1973)
42527 WHEN THE CATS ARE HUNGRY...
42528 RUN FOR YOUR LIVES!
42529 Alone, only a harmless pet...
42530 One Thousand Strong, They Become a Man-Eating Machine!
42531 -- The Night of a Thousand Cats (1972)
42533 They're Over-Exposed
42534 But Not Under-Developed!
42535 -- Cover Girl Models (1976)
42537 The Great Movie Posters:
42539 HOODLUMS FROM ANOTHER WORLD ON A RAY-GUN RAMPAGE!
42540 -- Teenagers from Outher Space (1959)
42542 Which will be Her Mate... MAN OR BEAST?
42543 Meet Velda -- the Kind of Woman -- Man or Gorilla would kill... to Keep.
42544 -- Untamed Mistress (1960)
42546 NOW AN ALL-MIGHTY ALL-NEW MOTION PICTURE BRINGS THEM TOGETHER FOR THE
42547 FIRST TIME... HISTORY'S MOST GIGANTIC MONSTERS IN COMBAT ATOP MOUNT FUJI!
42548 -- King Kong vs. Godzilla (1963)
42550 The Great Movie Posters:
42552 HOT STEEL BETWEEN THEIR LEGS!
42553 -- The Cycle Savages (1969)
42555 The Hand that Rocks the Cradle... Has no Flesh on It!
42557 -- Who Slew Auntie Roo? (1971)
42559 TWO GREAT BLOOD HORRORS TO RIP OUT YOUR GUTS!
42560 -- I Eat Your Skin & I Drink Your Blood (1971 double-bill)
42562 They Went In People and Came Out Hamburger!
42563 -- The Corpse Grinders (1971)
42565 The Great Movie Posters:
42567 KATHERINE HEPBURN as the lying, stealing, singing, preying witch girl
42568 of the Ozarks... "Low down white trash"? Maybe so -- but let her hear
42569 you say it and she'll break your head to prove herself a lady!
42572 Do Native Women Live With Apes?
42573 -- Love Life of a Gorilla (1937)
42576 When she looked into his eyes, felt his arms around her -- she
42577 was no longer Tura, mysterious white goddess of the jungle tribes --
42578 she was no longer the frozen-harted high priestess under whose hypnotic
42579 spell the worshippers of the great crocodile god meekly bowed -- she
42580 was a girl in love!
42581 SEE the ravening charge of the hundred scared CROCODILES!
42582 -- Her Jungle Love (1938)
42584 LOVE! HATE! JOY! FEAR! TORMENT! PANIC! SHAME! RAGE!
42585 -- Intermezzo (1939)
42587 The Great Movie Posters:
42589 POWERFUL! SHOCKING! RAW! ROUGH! CHALLENGING! SEE A LITTLE GIRL MOLESTED!
42590 -- Never Take Candy from a Stranger (1963)
42592 She Sins in Mobile --
42593 Marries in Houston --
42594 Loses Her Baby in Dallas --
42595 Leaves Her Husband in Tuscon --
42596 MEETS HARRU IN SAN DIEGO!...
42599 NOW -- McCLANAHAN!!!
42600 -- The Rotton Apple (1963), Rue McClanahan
42602 *NOT FOR SISSIES! DON'T COME IF YOU'RE CHICKEN!
42603 A Horrifying Movie of Weird Beauties and Shocking Monsters...
42604 1001 WEIRDEST SCENES EVER!! MOST SHOCKING THRILLER OF THE CENTURY!
42605 -- Teenage Psycho meets Bloody Mary (1964) (Alternate Title:
42606 The Incredibly Strange Creatures Who Stopped Living and
42607 Became Mixed Up Zombies)
42609 The Great Movie Posters:
42611 SCENES THAT WILL STAGGER YOUR SIGHT!
42612 -- DANCING CALLED GO-GO
42613 -- MUSIC CALLED JU-JU
42614 -- NARCOTICS CALLED BANGI!
42615 -- FIRES OF PUBERTY!
42616 SEE the burning of a virgin!
42617 SEE power of witch doctor over women!
42618 SEE pygmies with fantastic Physical Endowments!!!
42621 The Big Comedy of Nineteen-Sexty-Sex!
42622 -- Boeing-Boeing (1965)
42624 AN ASTRONAUT WENT UP-
42625 A "GUESS WHAT" CAME DOWN!
42626 The picture that comes complete with a 10-foot tall monster to
42627 give you the wim-wams!
42628 -- Monster a Go-Go (1965)
42630 The Great Movie Posters:
42632 SEE rebel guerrillas torn apart by trucks!
42633 SEE corpses cut to pieces and fed to dogs and vultures!
42634 SEE the monkey trained to perform nursing duties for her paralyzed owner!
42635 -- Sweet and Savage (1983)
42637 What a Guy! What a Gal! What a Pair!
42638 -- Stroker Ace (1983)
42640 It's always better when you come again!
42641 -- Porky's II: The Next Day (1983)
42643 You Don't Have to Go to Texas for a Chainsaw Massacre!
42646 The Great Movie Posters:
42648 SHE TOOK ON A WHOLE GANG! A howling hellcat humping a hot steel hog
42649 on a roaring rampage of revenge!
42650 -- Bury Me an Angel (1972)
42652 WHAT'S THE SECRET INGREDIENT USED BY THE MAD BUTCHER FOR HIS SUPERB
42654 -- Meat is Meat (1972)
42657 TOMORROW the World!
42660 The Great Movie Posters:
42662 She's got the biggest six-shooters in the West!
42663 -- The Beautiful Blonde from Bashful Bend (1949)
42670 1 YEAR TO MAKE THIS FILM --
42671 24 YEARS TO REHEARSE --
42672 20 YEARS TO DISTRIBUTE!
42673 BEAUTIFUL BEYOND WORDS!
42674 AWE-INSPIRING! VITAL!
42675 THE PRINCE OF PEACE PROVIDES THE ANSWER TO EVERY PROBLEM!
42676 Be Brave-bring your troubles and your family to:
42677 HISTORY'S MOST SUBLIME EVENT! YOU'LL FIND GOD RIGHT IN THERE!
42678 -- The Prince of Peace (1948). Starring members of the
42679 Wichita Mountain Pageant featuring Millard Coody as Jesus.
42681 The Great Movie Posters:
42683 The Miracle of the Age!!! A LION in your lap! A LOVER in your arms!
42684 -- Bwana Devil (1952)
42686 OVERWHELMING! ELECTRIFYING! BAFFLING!
42687 Fire Can't Burn Them! Bullets Can't Kill Them! See the Unfolding of
42688 the Mysteries of the Moon as Murderous Robot Monsters Descend Upon the
42689 Earth! You've Never Seen Anything Like It! Neither Has the World!
42690 SEE... Robots from Space in All Their Glory!!!
42691 -- Robot Monster (1953)
42693 1,965 pyramids, 5,337 dancing girls, one million swaying bullrushes,
42695 -- The Egyptian (1954)
42697 The Great Movie Posters:
42699 The nightmare terror of the slithering eye that unleashed agonizing
42700 horror on a screaming world!
42701 -- The Crawling Eye (1958)
42703 SEE a female colossus... her mountainous torso, skyscraper limbs,
42705 -- Attack of the Fifty-Foot Woman (1958)
42707 Here Is Your Chance To Know More About Sex.
42708 What Should a Movie Do? Hide It's Head in the Sand Like an Ostrich?
42709 Or Face the JOLTING TRUTH as does...
42710 -- The Desperate Women (1958)
42712 The Great Movie Posters:
42714 They hungered for her treasure! And died for her pleasure!
42715 SEE Man-Fish Battle Shark-Man-Killer!
42716 -- The Golden Mistress (1954)
42718 See Jane Russell in 3-D; She'll Knock Both Your Eyes Out!
42719 -- The French Line (1954)
42721 See Jane Russell Shake Her Tambourines... and Drive Cornel WILDE!
42722 -- Hot Blood (1956)
42724 The Great Movie Posters:
42726 When You're Six Tons -- And They Call You Killer -- It's Hard To Make
42728 -- Namu, the Killer Whale (1966)
42730 Meet the Girls with the Thermo-Nuclear Navels!
42731 -- Dr. Goldfoot and the Girl Bombs (1966)
42733 A GHASTLY TALE DRENCHED WITH GOUTS OF BLOOD SPURTING FROM THE VICTIMS
42734 OF A CRAZED MADMAN'S LUST.
42735 -- A Taste of Blood (1967)
42737 The great nations have always acted like gangsters and the small nations
42741 The great question that has never been answered and which I have not
42742 yet been able to answer despite my thirty years of research into the
42743 feminine soul is: WHAT DOES A WOMAN WANT?
42746 The great secret in life ... [is] not to open your letters for a fortnight.
42747 At the expiration of that period you will find that nearly all of them have
42748 answered themselves.
42751 The greatest disloyalty one can offer to great pioneers
42752 is to refuse to move an inch from where they stood.
42754 The greatest griefs are those we cause ourselves.
42757 The greatest joy a man can know is to conquer his enemies and drive them
42758 before him. To ride their horses and take away their possessions. To see
42759 the faces of those who were dear to them bedewed with tears, and to clasp
42760 their wives and daughters to his arms.
42763 The greatest love is a mother's, then a dog's, then a sweetheart's.
42766 The Greatest Mathematical Error
42767 The Mariner I space probe was launched from Cape Canaveral on 28
42768 July 1962 towards Venus. After 13 minutes' flight a booster engine would
42769 give acceleration up to 25,820 mph; after 44 minutes 9,800 solar cells
42770 would unfold; after 80 days a computer would calculate the final course
42771 corrections and after 100 days the craft would circle the unknown planet,
42772 scanning the mysterious cloud in which it is bathed.
42773 However, with an efficiency that is truly heartening, Mariner I
42774 plunged into the Atlantic Ocean only four minutes after takeoff.
42775 Inquiries later revealed that a minus sign had been omitted from
42776 the instructions fed into the computer. "It was human error", a launch
42778 This minus sign cost L4,280,000.
42779 -- Stephen Pile, "The Book of Heroic Failures"
42781 The greatest of faults is to be conscious of none.
42783 The greatest productive force is human selfishness.
42786 The greatest remedy for anger is delay.
42788 The groundhog is like most other prophets;
42789 it delivers its message and then disappears.
42791 The happiest time in any man's life is just after the first divorce.
42794 The happiest time of a person's life is after his first divorce.
42797 The hardest part of climbing the ladder of
42798 success is getting through the crowd at the bottom.
42800 The hardest thing in the world to understand is the income tax.
42803 The hardest thing is to disguise your feelings when
42804 you put a lot of relatives on the train for home.
42806 The hater of property and of government takes care to have his warranty
42807 deed recorded, and the book written against fame and learning has the
42808 author's name on the title page.
42809 -- Ralph Waldo Emerson, Journals, 1831
42811 The hatred of relatives is the most violent.
42812 -- Tacitus (c.55 - c.117)
42814 The health of a democratic society may be measured by the quality
42815 of functions performed by private citizens.
42816 -- Alexis de Tocqueville
42818 The hearing ear is always found close to the speaking tongue, a custom
42819 whereof the memory of man runneth not howsomever to the contrary, nohow.
42821 The heart has its reasons which reason knows nothing of.
42824 The heart is wiser than the intellect.
42826 ...the heat come 'round and busted me for smiling on a cloudy day.
42828 The heaviest object in the world is the
42829 body of the woman you have ceased to love.
42830 -- Marquis de Lac de Clapiers Vauvenargues
42832 The Heineken Uncertainty Principle:
42833 You can never be sure how many beers you had last night.
42835 "The hell with the prime directive! Let's kill something!"
42837 The help people need most urgently is
42838 help in admitting that they need help.
42840 The herd instinct among economists
42841 makes sheep look like independent thinkers.
42843 The heroic hours of life do not announce their presence by drum and trumpet,
42844 challenging us to be true to ourselves by appeals to the martial spirit that
42845 keeps the blood at heat. Some little, unassuming, unobtrusive choice presents
42846 itself before us slyly and craftily, glib and insinuating, in the modest garb
42847 of innocence. To yield to its blandishments is so easy. The wrong, it seems,
42848 is venial... Then it is that you will be summoned to show the courage of
42850 -- Benjamin Cardozo
42852 The higher you climb, the more you show your ass.
42853 -- Alexander Pope, "The Dunciad"
42855 The History of every major Galactic Civilization tends to pass through
42856 three distinct and recognizable phases, those of Survival, Inquiry, and
42857 Sophistication, otherwise known as the How, Why, and Where phases. For
42858 instance, the first phase is characterized by the question "How can we
42859 eat?" the second by "Why do we eat?" and the third by "Where shall we
42861 -- Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy
42863 The history of warfare is similarly subdivided, although here the phases
42864 are Retribution, Anticipation, and Diplomacy. Thus:
42867 I'm going to kill you because you killed my brother.
42869 I'm going to kill you because I killed your brother.
42871 I'm going to kill my brother and then kill you on the
42872 pretext that your brother did it.
42874 The Hollywood tradition I like best is called "sucking up to the stars."
42877 The honeymoon is not actually over until we cease
42878 to stifle our sighs and begin to stifle our yawns.
42881 The honeymoon is over when he phones to say he'll be late for supper and
42882 she's already left a note that it's in the refrigerator.
42885 The horror... the horror!
42887 The human animal differs from the lesser
42888 primates in his passion for lists of "Ten Best".
42891 The human brain is a wonderful thing. It starts working the moment
42892 you are born, and never stops until you stand up to speak in public.
42893 -- Sir George Jessel
42895 The human mind ordinarily operates at only ten percent of
42896 its capacity -- the rest is overhead for the operating system.
42898 The human mind treats a new idea the way the
42899 body treats a strange protein: it rejects it.
42902 The human race has been fascinated by sharks for as long as I can remember.
42903 Just like the bluebird feeding its young, or the spider struggling to weave
42904 its perfect web, or the buttercup blooming in spring, the shark reveals to
42905 us yet another of the infinite and wonderful facets of nature, namely the
42906 facet that it can bite your head off. This causes us humans to feel a
42907 certain degree of awe.
42908 -- Dave Barry, "The Wonders of Sharks on TV"
42910 The human race has one really effective weapon, and that is laughter.
42913 The human race never solves any of its problems. It merely outlives them.
42916 The husband who doesn't tell his wife everything probably reasons
42917 that what she doesn't know won't hurt him.
42920 The IBM 2250 is impressive ...
42921 if you compare it with a system selling for a tenth its price.
42924 The IBM purchase of ROLM gives new meaning to the term "twisted pair".
42925 -- Howard Anderson, "Yankee Group"
42927 The idea that an arbitrary naive human should be able to properly use a given
42928 tool without training or understanding is even more wrong for computing than
42929 it is for other tools (e.g. automobiles, airplanes, guns, power saws).
42932 The ideal voice for radio may be defined as showing no substance,
42933 no sex, no owner, and a message of importance for every housewife.
42936 The ideas of economists and political philosophers, both when they
42937 are right and when they are wrong, are more powerful than is generally
42938 understood. Indeed, the world is ruled by little else.
42939 -- John Maynard Keyes
42941 The idle man does not know what it is to enjoy rest.
42943 The idle mind knows not what it is it wants.
42946 The illegal we do immediately. The unconstitutional takes a little longer.
42949 The Illiterati Programus Canto 1:
42950 A program is a lot like a nose:
42951 Sometimes it runs, and sometimes it blows.
42953 The important thing is not to stop questioning.
42955 The important thing to remember about walking on eggs is not to hop.
42957 The income tax has made more liars out of the American people than
42959 -- The Best of Will Rogers
42961 The individual choice of garnishment of a burger can be an important
42962 point to the consumer in this day when individualism is an increasingly
42963 important thing to people.
42964 -- Donald N. Smith, president of Burger King
42966 The infliction of cruelty with a good conscience is
42967 a delight to moralists. That is why they invented hell.
42968 -- Bertrand Russell
42970 The inherent vice of capitalism is the unequal sharing of blessings;
42971 the inherent virtue of socialism is the equal sharing of misery.
42974 The instruments of science do not in themselves discover truth. And
42975 there are searchings that are not concluded by the coincidence of a
42976 pointer and a mark.
42977 -- Fred Saberhagen, "The Berserker Wars"
42979 The introduction of a new kind of music must be shunned as imperiling
42980 the whole state, for styles of music are never disturbed without
42981 affecting the most important political institutions. ... The new
42982 style, gradually gaining a lodgement, quietly insinuates itself into
42983 manners and customs, and from it ... goes on to attack laws and
42984 constitutions, displaying the utmost impudence, until it ends by
42985 overturning everything.
42986 -- Plato, "Republic", 370 B.C.
42988 The IQ of the group is the lowest IQ of a member of
42989 the group divided by the number of people in the group.
42991 The Israelis are the Doberman pinschers of the Middle East. They
42992 treat the Arabs like postmen.
42995 The Israelites were all waiting anxiously at the foot of the mountain,
42996 knowing that Moses had had a tough day negotiating with God over the
42997 Commandments. Finally a tired Moses came into sight.
42998 "I've got some good news and some bad news, folks," he said. "The
42999 good news is that I got Him down to ten. The bad news is that adultery's
43002 "The jig's up, Elman."
43006 The Junior God now heads the roll
43007 In the list of heaven's peers;
43008 He sits in the House of High Control,
43009 And he regulates the spheres.
43010 Yet does he wonder, do you suppose,
43011 If, even in gods divine,
43012 The best and wisest may not be those
43013 Who have wallowed awhile with the swine?
43016 The justifications for drug testing are part of the presently fashionable
43017 debate concerning restoring America's "competitiveness." Drugs, it has been
43018 revealed, are responsible for rampant absenteeism, reduced output, and poor
43019 quality work. But is drug testing in fact rationally related to the
43020 resurrection of competitiveness? Will charging the atmosphere of the
43021 workplace with the fear of excretory betrayal honestly spur productivity?
43022 Much noise has been made about rehabilitating the worker using drugs, but
43023 to date the vast majority of programs end with the simple firing or the not
43024 hiring of the abuser. This practice may exacerbate, not alleviate, the
43025 nation's productivity problem. If economic rehabilitation is the ultimate
43026 goal of drug testing, then criteria abandoning the rehabilitation of the
43027 drug-using worker is the purest of hypocrisy and the worst of rationalization.
43028 -- The concluding paragraph of "Constitutional Law: The
43029 Fourth Amendment and Drug Testing in the Workplace,"
43030 Tim Moore, Harvard Journal of Law & Public Policy, vol.
43031 10, No. 3 (Summer 1987), pp. 762-768.
43033 The Kennedy Constant:
43034 Don't get mad -- get even.
43036 The key elements in human thinking are not numbers but labels of fuzzy sets.
43039 The key to building a superstar is to keep their mouth shut. To reveal
43040 an artist to the people can be to destroy him. It isn't to anyone's
43041 advantage to see the truth.
43042 -- Bob Ezrin, rock music producer
43044 The Killer Ducks are coming!!!
43046 The kind of danger people most enjoy is
43047 the kind they can watch from a safe place.
43049 The King and his advisor are overlooking the battle field:
43051 King: "How goes the battle plan?"
43052 Advisor: "See those little black specks running to the right?"
43054 A: "Those are their guys. And all those little red specks running
43055 to the left are our guys. Then when they collide we wait till
43058 A: "If there are more red specks left than black specks, we win."
43059 K: "But what about the
43060 ^#!!$% battle plan?"
43061 A: "So far, it seems to be going according to specks."
43063 The knowledge that makes us cherish
43064 innocence makes innocence unattainable.
43067 The Kosher Dill was invented in 1723 by Joe Kosher and Sam Dill. It is
43068 the single most popular pickle variety today, enjoyed throughout the free
43069 world by man, woman and child alike. An astounding 350 billion kosher
43070 dills are eaten each year, averaging out to almost 1/4 pickle per person
43071 per day. New York Times food critic Mimi Sheraton says "The kosher dill
43072 really changed my life. I used to enjoy eating McDonald's hamburgers and
43073 drinking Iron City Lite, and then I encountered the kosher dill pickle.
43074 I realized that there was far more to haute cuisine then I'd ever imagined.
43075 And now, just look at me."
43077 The ladies men admire, I've heard,
43078 Would shudder at a wicked word.
43079 Their candle gives a single light;
43080 They'd rather stay at home at night.
43081 They do not keep awake till three,
43082 Nor read erotic poetry.
43083 They never sanction the impure,
43084 Nor recognize an overture.
43085 They shrink from powders and from paints...
43086 So far, I've had no complaints.
43089 The language of politics is poetry, not prose. Jackson is poetry.
43090 Cuomo is poetry. Dukakis is a word processor.
43091 -- Richard M. Nixon, on Meet the Press, April, 1988
43093 The last person that quit or was fired will be held responsible for
43094 everything that goes wrong -- until the next person quits or is fired.
43096 The last person that quit or was fired will be the held responsible
43097 for everything that goes wrong -- until the next person quits or is
43100 The last person who said that (God rest his soul) lived to regret it.
43102 The last thing one knows in constructing a work is what to put first.
43105 The last time I saw him he was walking down Lover's Lane holding his own
43109 The last time somebody said, "I find I can write much better with a word
43110 processor.", I replied, "They used to say the same thing about drugs."
43113 The last vestiges of the old Republic have been swept away.
43116 The Law, in its majestic equality, forbids the rich, as well as the poor,
43117 to sleep under the bridges, to beg in the streets, and to steal bread.
43120 The Law of Probable Dispersal:
43121 That which hits the fan will not be evenly distributed.
43123 The Law of the Letter:
43124 The best way to inspire fresh thoughts is to seal the envelope.
43126 The Law of the Perversity of Nature:
43127 You cannot determine beforehand which side of the bread to butter.
43129 The lawgiver, of all beings, most owes the law allegiance. He of all men
43130 should behave as though the law compelled him. But it is the universal
43131 weakness of mankind that what we are given to administer we presently imagine
43135 The Least Perceptive Literary Critic
43136 The most important critic in our field of study is Lord Halifax. A
43137 most individual judge of poetry, he once invited Alexander Pope round to
43138 give a public reading of his latest poem.
43139 Pope, the leading poet of his day, was greatly surprised when Lord
43140 Halifax stopped him four or five times and said, "I beg your pardon, Mr.
43141 Pope, but there is something in that passage that does not quite please me."
43142 Pope was rendered speechless, as this fine critic suggested sizeable
43143 and unwise emendations to his latest masterpiece. "Be so good as to mark
43144 the place and consider at your leisure. I'm sure you can give it a better
43146 After the reading, a good friend of Lord Halifax, a certain Dr.
43147 Garth, took the stunned Pope to one side. "There is no need to touch the
43148 lines," he said. "All you need do is leave them just as they are, call on
43149 Lord Halifax two or three months hence, thank him for his kind observation
43150 on those passages, and then read them to him as altered. I have known him
43151 much longer than you have, and will be answerable for the event."
43152 Pope took his advice, called on Lord Hallifax and read the poem
43153 exactly as it was before. His unique critical faculties had lost none of
43154 their edge. "Ay", he commented, "now they are perfectly right. Nothing can
43156 -- Stephen Pile, "The Book of Heroic Failures"
43158 The Least Successful Animal Rescue
43159 The firemen's strike of 1978 made possible one of the great animal
43160 rescue attempts of all time. Valiantly, the British Army had taken over
43161 emergency firefighting and on 14 January they were called out by an elderly
43162 lady in South London to retrieve her cat which had become trapped up a
43163 tree. They arrived with impressive haste and soon discharged their duty.
43164 So grateful was the lady that she invited them all in for tea. Driving off
43165 later, with fond farewells completed, they ran over the cat and killed it.
43166 -- Stephen Pile, "The Book of Heroic Failures"
43168 The Least Successful Collector
43169 Betsy Baker played a central role in the history of collecting. She
43170 was employed as a servant in the house of John Warburton (1682-1759) who had
43171 amassed a fine collection of 58 first edition plays, including most of the
43172 works of Shakespeare.
43173 One day Warburton returned home to find 55 of them charred beyond
43174 legibility. Betsy had either burned them or used them as pie bottoms. The
43175 remaining three folios are now in the British Museum.
43176 The only comparable literary figure was the maid who in 1835 burned
43177 the manuscript of the first volume of Thomas Carlyle's "The History of the
43178 French Revolution", thinking it was wastepaper.
43179 -- Stephen Pile, "The Book of Heroic Failures"
43181 The Least Successful Defrosting Device
43182 The all-time record here is held by Mr. Peter Rowlands of Lancaster
43183 whose lips became frozen to his lock in 1979 while blowing warm air on it.
43184 "I got down on my knees to breathe into the lock. Somehow my lips
43186 While he was in the posture, an old lady passed an inquired if he
43187 was all right. "Alra? Igmmlptk", he replied at which point she ran away.
43188 "I tried to tell her what had happened, but it came out sort of...
43189 muffled," explained Mr. Rowlands, a pottery designer.
43190 He was trapped for twenty minutes ("I felt a bit foolish") until
43191 constant hot breathing brought freedom. He was subsequently nicknamed "Hot
43193 -- Stephen Pile, "The Book of Heroic Failures"
43195 The Least Successful Equal Pay Advertisement
43196 In 1976 the European Economic Community pointed out to the Irish
43197 Government that it had not yet implemented the agreed sex equality
43198 legislation. The Dublin Government immediately advertised for an equal pay
43199 enforcement officer. The advertisement offered different salary scales for
43201 -- Stephen Pile, "The Book of Heroic Failures"
43203 The Least Successful Executions
43204 History has furnished us with two executioners worthy of attention.
43205 The first performed in Sydney in Australia. In 1803 three attempts were
43206 made to hang a Mr. Joseph Samuels. On the first two of these the rope
43207 snapped, while on the third Mr. Samuels just hung there peacefully until he
43208 and everyone else got bored. Since he had proved unsusceptible to capital
43209 punishment, he was reprieved.
43210 The most important British executioner was Mr. James Berry who
43211 tried three times in 1885 to hang Mr. John Lee at Exeter Jail, but on each
43212 occasion failed to get the trap door open.
43213 In recognition of this achievement, the Home Secretary commuted
43214 Lee's sentence to "life" imprisonment. He was released in 1917, emigrated
43215 to America and lived until 1933.
43216 -- Stephen Pile, "The Book of Heroic Failures"
43218 The Least Successful Police Dogs
43219 America has a very strong candidate in "La Dur", a fearsome looking
43220 schnauzer hound, who was retired from the Orlando police force in Florida
43221 in 1978. He consistently refused to do anything which might ruffle or
43222 offend the criminal classes.
43223 His handling officer, Rick Grim, had to admit: "He just won't go up
43224 and bite them. I got sick and tired of doing that dog's work for him."
43225 The British contenders in this category, however, took things a
43226 stage further. "Laddie" and "Boy" were trained as detector dogs for drug
43227 raids. Their employment was terminated following a raid in the Midlands in
43229 While the investigating officer questioned two suspects, they
43230 patted and stroked the dogs who eventually fell asleep in front of the
43231 fire. When the officer moved to arrest the suspects, one dog growled at
43232 him while the other leapt up and bit his thigh.
43233 -- Stephen Pile, "The Book of Heroic Failures"
43235 The less a statesman amounts to, the more he loves the flag.
43238 The less time planning, the more time programming.
43240 THE LESSER-KNOWN PROGRAMMING LANGUAGES #10 -- SIMPLE
43242 SIMPLE is an acronym for Sheer Idiot's Monopurpose Programming
43243 Language Environment. This language, developed at the Hanover College
43244 for Technological Misfits, was designed to make it impossible to write
43245 code with errors in it. The statements are, therefore, confined to BEGIN,
43246 END and STOP. No matter how you arrange the statements, you can't make a
43247 syntax error. Programs written in SIMPLE do nothing useful, thus achieving
43248 the results of programs written in other languages without the tedious,
43249 frustrating process of testing and debugging.
43251 THE LESSER-KNOWN PROGRAMMING LANGUAGES #12 -- LITHP
43253 This otherwise unremarkable language, originally developed in San
43254 Francisco, is distinguished by the absence of an "S" in its character set;
43255 users must substitute "TH". LITHP is thaid to be utheful in protheththing
43258 THE LESSER-KNOWN PROGRAMMING LANGUAGES #13 -- SLOBOL
43260 SLOBOL is best known for the speed, or lack of it, of its compiler.
43261 Although many compilers allow you to take a coffee break while they compile,
43262 SLOBOL compilers allow you to travel to Bolivia to pick the beans. Forty-
43263 three programmers are known to have died of boredom sitting at their terminals
43264 while waiting for a SLOBOL program to compile. Weary SLOBOL programmers
43265 often turn to a related (but infinitely faster) language, COCAINE.
43267 THE LESSER-KNOWN PROGRAMMING LANGUAGES #14 -- VALGOL
43269 VALGOL is enjoying a dramatic surge of popularity across the
43270 industry. VALGOL commands include REALLY, LIKE, WELL, and Y*KNOW.
43271 Variables are assigned with the =LIKE and =TOTALLY operators. Other
43272 operators include the "California booleans", AX and NOWAY. Loops are
43273 accomplished with the FOR SURE construct. A simple example:
43275 LIKE, Y*KNOW(I MEAN)START
43276 IF PIZZA =LIKE BITCHEN AND
43277 GUY =LIKE TUBULAR AND
43278 VALLEY GIRL =LIKE GRODY**MAX(FERSURE)**2
43280 FOR I =LIKE 1 TO OH*MAYBE 100
43281 DO*WAH - (DITTY**2); BARF(I)=TOTALLY GROSS(OUT)
43283 LIKE, BAG THIS PROGRAM; REALLY; LIKE TOTALLY(Y*KNOW); IM*SURE
43286 VALGOL is also characterized by its unfriendly error messages. For
43287 example, when the user makes a syntax error, the interpreter displays the
43288 message GAG ME WITH A SPOON! A successful compile may be termed MAXIMALLY
43291 THE LESSER-KNOWN PROGRAMMING LANGUAGES #17 -- DOGO
43293 Developed at the Massachusetts Institute of Obedience Training, DOGO
43294 DOGO heralds a new era of computer-literate pets. DOGO commands include
43295 SIT, STAY, HEEL, and ROLL OVER. An innovative feature of DOGO is "puppy
43296 graphics", a small cocker spaniel that occasionally leaves a deposit as
43297 it travels across the screen.
43299 THE LESSER-KNOWN PROGRAMMING LANGUAGES #17 -- SARTRE
43301 Named after the late existential philosopher, SARTRE is an extremely
43302 unstructured language. Statements in SARTRE have no purpose; they just are.
43303 Thus SARTRE programs are left to define their own functions. SARTRE
43304 programmers tend to be boring and depressed, and are no fun at parties.
43306 THE LESSER-KNOWN PROGRAMMING LANGUAGES #18 -- C-
43308 This language was named for the grade received by its creator when
43309 he submitted it as a class project in a graduate programming class. C- is
43310 best described as a "low-level" programming language. In fact, the language
43311 generally requires more C- statements than machine-code statements to execute
43312 a given task. In this respect, it is very similar to COBOL.
43314 THE LESSER-KNOWN PROGRAMMING LANGUAGES #18 -- FIFTH
43316 FIFTH is a precision mathematical language in which the data types
43317 refer to quantity. The data types range from CC, OUNCE, SHOT, and JIGGER to
43318 FIFTH (hence the name of the language), LITER, MAGNUM and BLOTTO. Commands
43319 refer to ingredients such as CHABLIS, CHARDONNAY, CABERNET, GIN, VERMOUTH,
43320 VODKA, SCOTCH, BOURBON, and WHATEVERSAROUND.
43321 The many versions of the FIFTH language reflect the sophistication and
43322 financial status of its users. Commands in the ELITE dialect include VSOP and
43323 LAFITE, while commands in the GUTTER dialect include HOOTCH, THUNDERBIRD,
43324 RIPPLE and HOUSERED. The latter is a favorite of frustrated FORTH programmers
43325 who end up using this language.
43327 THE LESSER-KNOWN PROGRAMMING LANGUAGES #5 -- LAIDBACK
43329 LAIDBACK was developed at the (now defunct) Marin County Center for
43330 T'ai Chi, Mellowness and Computer Programming, as an alternative to the more
43331 intense languages of nearby Silicon Valley.
43332 The Center was ideal for programmers who liked to soak in hot tubs
43333 while they worked. Unfortunately, few programmers could survive there long,
43334 since the Center outlawed pizza and RC Cola in favor of bean curd and Perrier.
43335 Many mourn the demise of LAIDBACK because of its reputation as a
43336 gentle and nonthreatening language. For example, LAIDBACK responded to
43337 syntax errors with the message SORRY MAN, I JUST CAN'T DEAL BEHIND THAT.
43339 The liberals can understand everything but people who don't understand them.
43342 The life which is unexamined is not worth living.
43345 The light of a hundred stars does not equal the light of the moon.
43347 The lion and the calf shall lie down
43348 together but the calf won't get much sleep.
43351 The little girl expects no declaration of tenderness from her doll.
43352 She loves it -- and that's all. It is thus that we should love.
43355 The little pieces of my life I give to you,
43356 with love, to make a quilt to keep away the cold.
43358 The little town that time forgot,
43359 Where all the women are strong,
43360 The men are good-looking,
43361 And the children above-average.
43362 -- Prairie Home Companion
43364 The local minister noticed a little girl standing outside of his
43365 door with a basket of kittens.
43366 "Hello, little girl, what do you have there?"
43367 "These are my Democratic kittens," she replied.
43368 Amused, the pastor said nothing. Two weeks later he saw the same little
43369 girl with (apparently) the same basket of kittens.
43370 "My, I see you still have your Democratic kittens.", he said.
43371 "No, you see, these are Republican kittens," she answered.
43372 "Two weeks ago they were Democratic kittens," he replied, puzzled.
43373 "Two weeks ago they had their eyes closed."
43375 The `loner' may be respected, but he is always resented by his colleagues,
43376 for he seems to be passing a critical judgment on them, when he may be
43377 simply making a limiting statement about himself.
43380 The longer I am out of office, the more infallible I appear to myself.
43383 The longer the title, the less important the job.
43385 The longest part of the journey is said to be the passing of the gate.
43386 -- Marcus Terentius Varro
43388 The Lord gave us farmers two strong hands so we
43389 could grab as much as we could with both of them.
43390 -- Major Major's father
43392 The Lord giveth and the Lord taketh away.
43393 Indian Giver be the name of the Lord.
43395 The Lord prefers common-looking people. That is the reason that He makes
43399 The louder he talked of his honour, the faster we counted our spoons.
43400 -- Ralph Waldo Emerson
43402 The lovely woman-child Kaa was mercilessly chained to the cruel post of
43403 the warrior-chief Beast, with his barbarian tribe now stacking wood at
43404 her nubile feet, when the strong clear voice of the poetic and heroic
43405 Handsomas roared, 'Flick your Bic, crisp that chick, and you'll feel my
43406 steel through your last meal!'
43407 -- Winning sentence, 1984 Bulwer-Lytton bad fiction contest.
43409 The luck that is ordained for you will be coveted by others.
43411 The lunatic, the lover, and the poet,
43412 Are of imagination all compact...
43413 -- Wm. Shakespeare, "A Midsummer Night's Dream"
43415 The Macintosh is Xerox technology at its best.
43417 The magic of our first love is our ignorance that it can ever end.
43418 -- Benjamin Disraeli
43420 The main problem I have with cats is, they're not dogs.
43423 The major advances in civilization are processes
43424 that all but wreck the societies in which they occur.
43427 The major difference between bonds and bond traders is that the
43428 bonds will eventually mature.
43430 The major sin is the sin of being born.
43433 The majority of husbands remind me of an orangutang trying to play
43435 -- Honore de Balzac
43437 The majority of the stupid is invincible and guaranteed for all time.
43438 The terror of their tyranny, however, is alleviated by their lack of
43442 The makers may make,
43443 And the users may use,
43444 But the fixers must fix
43445 With but minimal clues.
43447 The man she had was kind and clean
43448 And well enough for every day,
43449 But oh, dear friends, you should have seen
43450 The one that got away.
43451 -- Dorothy Parker, "The Fisherwoman"
43453 The Man Who Almost Invented The Vacuum Cleaner
43454 The man officially credited with inventing the vacuum cleaner is
43455 Hubert Cecil Booth. However, he got the idea from a man who almost
43457 In 1901 Booth visited a London music-hall. On the bill was an
43458 American inventor with his wonder machine for removing dust from carpets.
43459 The machine comprised a box about one foot square with a bag on top.
43460 After watching the act -- which made everyone in the front six rows sneeze
43461 -- Booth went round to the inventor's dressing room.
43462 "It should suck not blow," said Booth, coming straight to the
43463 point. "Suck?", exclaimed the enraged inventor. "Your machine just moves
43464 the dust around the room," Booth informed him. "Suck? Suck? Sucking is
43465 not possible," was the inventor's reply and he stormed out. Booth proved
43466 that it was by the simple expedient of kneeling down, pursing his lips and
43467 sucking the back of an armchair. "I almost choked," he said afterwards.
43468 -- Stephen Pile, "The Book of Heroic Failures"
43470 The man who follows the crowd will usually get no further than the crowd.
43471 The man who walks alone is likely to find himself in places no one has ever
43473 -- Alan Ashley-Pitt
43475 The man who has never been flogged has never been taught.
43478 The man who laughs has not yet been told the terrible news.
43481 The man who raises a fist has run out of ideas.
43482 -- H.G. Wells, "Time After Time"
43484 The man who runs may fight again.
43487 The man who sees, on New Year's day, Mount
43488 Fuji, a hawk, and an eggplant is forever blessed.
43489 -- Old Japanese proverb
43491 The man who sets out to carry a cat by its tail learns something that
43492 will always be useful and which never will grow dim or doubtful.
43495 The man who understands one woman is
43496 qualified to understand pretty well everything.
43499 The man with the best job in the country is the Vice President. All he has
43500 to do is get up every morning and say, "How's the President?"
43503 The vice-presidency ain't worth a pitcher of warm spit.
43504 -- Vice President John Nance Garner
43507 The few, the proud, the dead on the beach.
43510 The few, the proud, the not very bright.
43512 The mark of a good party is that you wake up the next morning
43513 wanting to change your name and start a new life in different city.
43514 -- Vance Bourjaily, "Esquire"
43516 The mark of the immature man is that he wants to die nobly for a cause,
43517 while the mark of a mature man is that he wants to live humbly for one.
43520 The mark of your ignorance is the depth of your belief in injustice
43521 and tragedy. What the caterpillar calls the end of the world, the
43522 master calls a butterfly.
43523 -- Messiah's Handbook : Reminders for the Advanced Soul
43525 The marriage of Marxism and feminism has been like the marriage of
43526 husband and wife depicted in English common law: Marxism and feminism
43527 are one, and that one is marxism.
43529 "The Unhappy Marriage of Marxism and Feminism"
43531 The Martian Canals were clearly the Martian's last ditch effort!
43533 The marvels of today's modern technology include the development of a
43534 soda can, which, when discarded will last forever -- and a $7,000 car
43535 which, when properly cared for, will rust out in two or three years.
43537 The mate for beauty should be a man and not a money chest.
43540 The mature bohemian is one whose woman works full time.
43542 The means-and-ends moralists, or non-doers,
43543 always end up on their ends without any means.
43546 The meat is rotten, but the booze is holding out.
43547 Computer translation of "The spirit is willing, but the flesh is weak."
43549 The meek don't want it.
43551 The meek inherit the earth -- usually in small sections... about 6 by 3.
43553 The meek shall inherit the earth -- they are too weak to refuse.
43555 The meek shall inherit the earth; but by that
43556 time there won't be anything left worth inheriting.
43558 The meek shall inherit the earth, but *not* its mineral rights.
43561 The meek shall inherit the earth; the rest of us, the Universe.
43563 The meek shall inherit the earth; the rest of us will go to the stars.
43565 The meek shall inherit the Earth.
43566 (But they're gonna have to fight for it.)
43568 The meek will inherit the earth -- if that's OK with you.
43570 The meeting of two personalities is like the contact of two
43571 chemical substances: if there is any reaction, both are transformed.
43574 [The members of the Chamberlain government] are decided only to be
43575 undecided, resolved to be irresolute, adamant for drift, all-powerful
43579 The men sat sipping their tea in silence. After a while the klutz said,
43580 "Life is like a bowl of sour cream."
43581 "Like a bowl of sour cream?" asked the other. "Why?"
43582 "How should I know? What am I, a philosopher?"
43584 The minute a man is convinced that he is interesting, he isn't.
43586 The mirror sees the man as beautiful, the mirror loves the man; another
43587 mirror sees the man as frightful and hates him; and it is always the same
43588 being who produces the impressions.
43589 -- Marquis D.A.F. de Sade
43591 The misnaming of fields of study is so common as to lead to what might be
43592 general systems laws. For example, Frank Harary once suggested the law that
43593 any field that had the word "science" in its name was guaranteed thereby
43594 not to be a science. He would cite as examples Military Science, Library
43595 Science, Political Science, Homemaking Science, Social Science, and Computer
43596 Science. Discuss the generality of this law, and possible reasons for its
43598 -- Gerald Weinberg, "An Introduction to General Systems
43601 The Modelski Chain Rule:
43602 1: Look intently at the problem for several minutes. Scratch your
43603 head at 20-30 second intervals. Try solving the problem on your
43605 2: Failing this, look around at the class. Select a particularly
43606 bright-looking individual.
43607 3: Procure a large chain.
43608 4: Walk over to the selected student and threaten to beat him severely
43609 with the chain unless he gives you the answer to the problem.
43610 Generally, he will. It may also be a good idea to give him a sound
43611 thrashing anyway, just to show you mean business.
43613 "The molars, I'm sure, will be all right, the molars can take care of
43614 themselves," the old man said, no longer to me. "But what will become
43616 -- The Old Man and his Bridge
43618 The mome rath isn't born that could outgrabe me.
43619 -- Nicol Williamson
43621 The moon is made of green cheese.
43624 The moon may be smaller than Earth, but it's further away.
43626 The Moral Majority is neither.
43628 The more complex the mind, the greater
43629 the need for the simplicity of play.
43630 -- Captain Kirk, "Shore Leave"
43632 The more control, the more that requires control.
43634 The more cordial the buyers secretary, the greater
43635 the odds that the competition already has the order.
43637 The more crap you put up with, the more crap you are going to get.
43639 The more data I punch in this card, the lighter it becomes, and the
43640 lower the mailing cost.
43641 -- S. Kelly-Bootle, "The Devil's DP Dictionary"
43643 The more he talked of his honor the faster we counted our spoons.
43644 -- Ralph Waldo Emerson
43646 The more I know men the more I like my horse.
43648 The more I see of men the more I admire dogs.
43649 -- Mme De Sevigne, 1626-1696
43651 The more I want to get something done, the less I call it work.
43652 -- Richard Bach, "Illusions"
43654 The more laws and order are made prominent,
43655 the more thieves and robbers there will be.
43658 The more pretentious a corporate name, the smaller the organization. (For
43659 instance, The Murphy Center for Codification of Human and Organizational Law,
43660 contrasted to IBM, GM, AT&T ...)
43662 The more the merrier.
43665 The more they over-think the plumbing
43666 the easier it is to stop up the drain.
43668 The more things change, the more they remain the same.
43671 The more things change, the more they stay insane.
43673 The more things change, the more they'll never be the same again.
43675 The more we disagree, the more chance
43676 there is that at least one of us is right.
43678 The more you complain, the longer God lets you live.
43680 The more you sweat in peace, the less you bleed in war.
43682 The Moscow Evening News advertised a contest for the best political joke.
43683 First prize was ten years in prison; second prize, five years; third prize,
43684 three years; and there were six honorable mentions of one year each.
43686 The mosquito exists to keep the mighty humble.
43688 The moss on the tree does not fear the talons of the hawk.
43690 The most advantageous, pre-eminent thing thou canst do is not to
43691 exhibit nor display thyself within the limits of our galaxy, but
43692 rather depart instantaneously whence thou even now standest and
43693 flee to yet another rotten planet in the universe, if thou canst
43694 have the good fortune to find one.
43697 The most common given name in the world is Mohammad; the most common
43698 family name in the world is Chang. Can you imagine the enormous number
43699 of people in the world named Mohammad Chang?
43702 The most costly of all follies is to believe passionately
43703 in the palpably not true. It is the chief occupation of mankind.
43706 The most dangerous food is wedding cake.
43707 -- American proverb
43709 The most dangerous organization in America today is:
43712 b) The American Nazi Party
43713 c) The Delta Frequent Flyer Club
43715 The most delightful day after the one on which you buy a cottage in
43716 the country is the one on which you resell it.
43719 The most difficult thing about surviving AIDS
43720 is trying to convince your parents that you're Haitian.
43722 The most difficult thing in the world is to know how to do a
43723 thing and to watch someone else doing it wrong, without commenting.
43726 The most difficult years of marriage are those following the wedding.
43728 The most disagreeable thing that your worst enemy says to your face does
43729 not approach what your best friends say behind your back.
43730 -- Alfred De Musset
43732 The most exciting phrase to hear in science, the one that heralds new
43733 discoveries, is not "Eureka!" (I found it!) but "That's funny ..."
43736 The most exquisite peak in culinary art is conquered when you do right by a
43737 ham, for a ham, in the very nature of the process it has undergone since last
43738 it walked on its own feet, combines in its flavor the tang of smoky autumnal
43739 woods, the maternal softness of earthy fields delivered of their crop children,
43740 the wineyness of a late sun, the intimate kiss of fertilizing rain, and the
43741 bite of fire. You must slice it thin, almost as thin as this page you hold
43742 in your hands. The making of a ham dinner, like the making of a gentleman,
43743 starts a long, long time before the event.
43744 -- W.B. Courtney, "Reflections of Maryland Country Ham",
43745 from "Congress Eate It Up"
43747 ...the most exquisitely squalid hells known to middle-class man:
43748 freshman English at a Midwestern university.
43751 The most happy marriage I can imagine to myself would be the union
43752 of a deaf man to a blind woman.
43753 -- Samuel Taylor Coleridge
43755 The most hopelessly stupid man is he who is not aware that he is wise.
43757 The most important early product on the way
43758 to developing a good product is an imperfect version.
43760 The most important service rendered by the press is that of educating
43761 people to approach printed matter with distrust.
43763 The most important thing in a relationship between a man and a woman
43764 is that one of them be good at taking orders.
43767 The most important things, each person must do for himself.
43769 The most popular labor-saving device today is still a husband with money.
43770 -- Joey Adams, "Cindy and I"
43772 The most recent attempt to revive the moribund campus left, a national
43773 conference held at Rutgers University February 5-7, ended when the
43774 participants decided that they were too racist to found a new national
43776 The stated goal of the conference was the formation of a national
43777 organization that would "give expression to a shared consciousness." The
43778 orientation materials declared that this was "a historic moment" -- you
43779 know, like Port Huron and the Sixties -- and the Rutgers host committee had
43780 every reason to expect their goal would be accomplished.
43781 But it was not to be. Given that this was a conference of *New*
43782 New Leftists, reason had nothing to do with it.
43783 A revealing article by Vania del Borgo and Maria Margaronis in "The
43784 Nation", ["Beyond the Fragments," 3/26/88] says "The defining moment of the
43785 weekend came when the conference was almost at its end. On Sunday morning,
43786 a twenty-five-member students of color caucus confronted the assembled body
43787 with its overwhelming whiteness..." Joined by the Gay & Bisexual Caucus, the
43788 Students of Color Caucus declared that the founding of such an overwhelmingly
43789 white organization would itself constitute a racist act. The four hundred or
43790 so leftist activists were told that they had no right to ratify a constitution
43791 or elect any officers. While recognizing "the need to examine the real
43792 possibilities of a broad-based, racially diverse student movement" and paying
43793 lip service to the need for "dialogue," they threatened to walk out if their
43794 demands were not met. As *The Nation* article describes the scene: "To their
43795 astonishment, their intervention was greeted with a standing ovation." Handed
43796 an ultimatum which demanded that they disband, this would-be successor to the
43797 radical student movements of the Sixties promptly voted itself out of
43798 existence. As del Borgo and Margaronis put it, "After much chaotic discussion
43799 and a confused voice vote, the convention suspended all its other work and
43800 broke into regional groups to discuss 'outreach.'"
43801 -- Libertarian Agenda, May 1988
43803 The most remarkable thing about my mother is that for thirty years she
43804 served the family nothing but leftovers. The original meal has never
43808 The most serious doubt that has been thrown on the authenticity of the
43809 biblical miracles is the fact that most of the witnesses in regard to
43810 them were fishermen.
43813 The Most Unsuccessful Version Of The Bible
43814 The most exciting version of the Bible was printed in 1631 by Robert
43815 Barker and Martin Lucas, the King's printers at London. It contained
43816 several mistakes, but one was inspired -- the word "not" was omitted from
43817 the Seventh Commandment and enjoined its readers, on the highest authority,
43818 to commit adultery.
43819 Fearing the popularity with which this might be received in remote
43820 country districts, King Charles I called all 1,000 copies back in and fined
43821 the printers L3,000.
43822 -- Stephen Pile, "The Book of Heroic Failures"
43824 The most winning woman I ever knew was hanged for poisoning three little
43825 children for their insurance money.
43828 The moving cursor writes, and having written, blinks on.
43830 The Moving Finger writes; and, having writ,
43831 Moves on: nor all they Piety nor Wit
43832 Shall lure it back to cancel half a Line,
43833 Nor all thy Tears wash out a Word of it.
43835 The myth of romantic love holds that once you've fallen in love with the
43836 perfect partner, you're home free. Unfortunately, falling out of love
43837 seems to be just as involuntary as falling into it.
43839 The naked truth of it is, I have no shirt.
43840 -- William Shakespeare, "Love's Labour's Lost"
43842 The nation that controls magnetism controls the universe.
43843 -- Chester Gould/Dick Tracy
43845 The nearer to the church, the further from God.
43848 The net is like a vast sea of lutefisk with tiny dinosaur brains embedded
43849 in it here and there. Any given spoonful will likely have an IQ of 1, but
43850 occasional spoonfuls may have an IQ more than six times that!
43851 -- James 'Kibo' Parry
43853 The net of law is spread so wide,
43854 No sinner from its sweep may hide.
43855 Its meshes are so fine and strong,
43856 They take in every child of wrong.
43857 O wondrous web of mystery!
43858 Big fish alone escape from thee!
43859 -- James Jeffrey Roche
43861 The new Congressmen say they're going to turn the government around.
43862 I hope I don't get run over again.
43864 The New England Journal of Medicine reports that 9 out of 10
43865 doctors agree that 1 out of 10 doctors is an idiot.
43868 A javelin team that elects to receive.
43870 The New Testament offers the basis for modern computer coding theory,
43871 in the form of an affirmation of the binary number system.
43873 But let your communication be Yea, yea; nay, nay:
43874 for whatsoever is more than these cometh of evil.
43878 The next person to mention spaghetti stacks
43879 to me is going to have his head knocked off.
43882 The next thing I say to you will be true.
43883 The last thing I said was false.
43885 The nice thing about egotists is that they don't talk about other people.
43886 -- Lucille S. Harper
43888 The nice thing about standards
43889 is that there are so many of them to choose from.
43890 -- Andrew S. Tanenbaum
43892 The nicest thing about the Alto is that it doesn't run faster at night.
43894 The night passes quickly when you're asleep
43895 But I'm out shufflin' for something to eat
43897 Breakfast at the Egg House,
43898 Like the waffle on the griddle,
43899 I'm burnt around the edges,
43900 But I'm tender in the middle.
43903 The notes blatted skyward as the rose over the Canada geese, feathered
43904 rumps mooning the day, webbed appendages frantically pedaling unseen
43905 bicycles in their search for sustenance, driven by cruel Nature's maxim,
43906 'Ya wanna eat, ya gotta work,' and at last I knew Pittsburgh.
43907 -- Winning sentence, 1987 Bulwer-Lytton bad fiction contest.
43909 The notion of a "record" is an obsolete
43910 remnant of the days of the 80-column card.
43913 The number of computer scientists in a room is inversely
43914 proportional to the number of bugs in their code.
43916 The number of feet in a yard is directly proportional to the success
43919 The number of licorice gumballs you get out of a gumball machine
43920 increases in direct proportion to how much you hate licorice.
43922 The number of UNIX installations has grown to 10, with more expected.
43923 -- The Unix Programmer's Manual, 2nd Edition, June 1972
43925 The NY Times is read by the people who run the country. The Washington Post
43926 is read by the people who think they run the country. The National Enquirer
43927 is read by the people who think Elvis is alive and running the country.
43930 The objective of all dedicated employees should be to thoroughly analyze
43931 all situations, anticipate all problems prior to their occurrence, have
43932 answers for these problems, and move swiftly to solve these problems
43935 When you are up to your ass in alligators it is difficult to remind
43936 yourself your initial objective was to drain the swamp.
43938 The odds are a million to one against your being one in a million.
43940 The Official Colorado State Vegetable is now the "state legislator".
43942 The Official MBA Handbook on business cards:
43944 Avoid overly pretentious job titles such as "Lord of the
43945 Realm, Defender of the Faith, Emperor of India" or "Director
43946 of Corporate Planning."
43948 The Official MBA Handbook on doing company business on an airplane:
43950 Do not work openly on top-secret company cost documents unless
43951 you have previously ascertained that the passenger next to you
43952 is blind, a rock musician on mood-ameliorating drugs, or the
43953 unfortunate possessor of a forty-seventh chromosome.
43955 The Official MBA Handbook on the use of sunlamps:
43957 Use a sunlamp only on weekends. That way, if the office wise guy
43958 remarks on the sudden appearance of your tan, you can fabricate
43959 some story about a sun-stroked weekend at some island Shangri-La
43960 like Caneel Bay. Nothing is more transparent than leaving the
43961 office at 11:45 on a Tuesday night, only to return an Aztec sun
43962 god at 8:15 the next morning.
43964 The old complaint that mass culture is designed for eleven-year-olds
43965 is of course a shameful canard. The key age has traditionally been
43966 more like fourteen.
43967 -- Robert Christgau, "Esquire"
43969 The old man had lived all his life in a little house on the Vermont side of the
43970 New Hampshire-Vermont border. One day, the surveyors came to inform him that
43971 they had just discovered that he lived in New Hampshire, not Vermont.
43972 "Thank heavens!" was his heartfelt reply. "I don't think I could have
43973 taken another one of those damned Vermont winters!"
43975 THE OLD POOL SHOOTER had won many a game in his life. But now it was time
43976 to hang up the cue. When he did, all the other cues came crashing go the
43979 "Sorry," he said with a smile.
43980 -- Jack Handley, The New Mexican, 1988.
43982 The older a man gets, the farther he had to walk to school as a boy.
43984 The older I grow, the less important the comma becomes.
43985 Let the reader catch his own breath.
43986 -- Elizabeth Clarkson Zwart
43988 The older I grow, the more I distrust the
43989 familiar doctrine that age brings wisdom.
43992 The one charm of marriage is that it makes a life of deception a necessity.
43995 The one day you'd sell your soul for something, souls are a glut.
43997 The one good thing about repeating your
43998 mistakes is that you know when to cringe.
44000 The one L lama, he's a priest
44001 The two L llama, he's a beast
44002 And I will bet my silk pyjama
44003 There isn't any three L lllama.
44004 -- O. Nash, to which a fire chief replied that occasionally
44005 his department responded to something like a "three L lllama."
44007 The One Page Principle:
44008 A specification that will not fit on one page of 8.5x11 inch paper
44009 cannot be understood.
44012 The one sure way to make a lazy man look
44013 respectable is to put a fishing rod in his hand.
44015 The only alliance I would make with the Women's Liberation Movement is in bed.
44018 The only certainty is that nothing is certain.
44021 The only constant is change.
44023 The only cultural advantage LA has over NY is that you can make a
44024 right turn on a red light.
44027 The only difference between a car salesman and a computer salesman is
44028 that the car salesman knows he's lying.
44030 The only difference between a rut and a grave is their dimensions.
44032 The only difference between the saint and the sinner is that
44033 every saint has a past and every sinner has a future.
44036 The only difference in the game of love over the last few
44037 thousand years is that they've changed trumps from clubs to diamonds.
44038 -- The Indianapolis Star
44040 The only function of economic forecasting is to make astrology look
44042 -- John Kenneth Galbraith
44044 The only happiness lies in reason; all the rest of the world is dismal.
44045 The highest reason, however, I see in the work of the artist, and he may
44046 experience it as such. Happiness lies in the swiftness of feeling and
44047 thinking: all the rest of the world is slow, gradual and stupid. Whoever
44048 could feel the course of a light ray would be very happy, for it is very
44049 swift. Thinking of oneself gives little happiness. If, however, one feels
44050 much happiness in this, it is because at bottom one is not thinking of
44051 oneself but of one's ideal. This is far, and only the swift shall reach
44052 it and are delighted.
44055 The only "ism" Hollywood believes in is plagiarism.
44058 The only justification for our concepts and systems of concepts is
44059 that they serve to represent the complex of our experiences;
44060 beyond this they have not legitimacy.
44063 The only one of your children who does not grow up and move away
44066 The only people for me are the mad ones -- the ones who are mad to live,
44067 mad to talk, mad to be saved, desirous of everything at the same time,
44068 the ones who never yawn or say a commonplace thing, but burn, burn, burn
44069 like fabulous yellow Roman candles.
44070 -- Jack Kerouac, "On the Road"
44072 The only people who make love all the time are liars.
44075 The only perfect science is hind-sight.
44077 The only person to get all of his work done by Friday was Robinson Crusoe.
44079 The only person who always got his work done by Friday was Robinson Crusoe.
44081 The only possible interpretation of any research
44082 whatever in the "social sciences" is: some do, some don't.
44084 The only possible interpretation of any research
44085 whatever in the 'social sciences' is: some do, some don't.
44086 -- Ernest Rutherford
44088 The only problem with being a man of leisure
44089 is that you can never stop and take a rest.
44091 The only problem with seeing too much is that it makes you insane.
44094 The only promotion rules I can think of are that a sense of shame is to
44095 be avoided at all costs and there is never any reason for a hustler to
44096 be less cunning than more virtuous men. Oh yes ... whenever you think
44097 you've got something really great, add ten per cent more.
44100 The only qualities for real success in journalism are ratlike cunning, a
44101 plausible manner and a little literary ability. The capacity to steal
44102 other people's ideas and phrases ... is also invaluable.
44103 -- Nicolas Tomalin, "Stop the Press, I Want to Get On"
44105 The only real advantage to punk music is that nobody can whistle it.
44107 The only real argument for marriage is that it remains the best method
44108 for getting acquainted.
44111 The only real way to look younger is not to be born so soon.
44114 The only really masterful noise a man makes in a house is the noise
44115 of his key, when he is still on the landing, fumbling for the lock.
44118 The only reward of virtue is virtue.
44119 -- Ralph Waldo Emerson
44121 The only rose without thorns is friendship.
44123 The only thing better than love is milk.
44125 The only thing cheaper than hardware is talk.
44127 The only thing that experience teaches us is that experience teaches
44129 -- Andre Maurois (Emile Herzog)
44131 The only thing that stops God from sending a second Flood is that
44132 the first one was useless.
44133 -- Nicolas Chamfort
44135 The only thing to do with good advice is pass it on.
44136 It is never any use to oneself.
44139 The only thing we learn from history is that we do not learn.
44142 That men do not learn very much from history is the most important of all
44143 the lessons that history has to teach.
44146 We learn from history that we do not learn from history.
44149 HISTORY: Papa Hegel he say that all we learn from history is that we learn
44150 nothing from history. I know people who can't even learn from what happened
44151 this morning. Hegel must have been taking the long view.
44152 -- Chad C. Mulligan, "The Hipcrime Vocab"
44154 The only time a dog gets complimented is when he doesn't do anything.
44157 The only two things that motivate me and that matter to me are revenge
44161 The only way to amuse some people
44162 is to slip and fall on an icy pavement.
44164 The only way to get rid of a temptation is to yield to it.
44167 The only way to keep you health is to eat what you don't want,
44168 drink what you don't like, and do what you'd rather not.
44171 The only winner in the War of 1812 was Tchaikovsky.
44174 The onset and the waning of love make themselves felt
44175 in the uneasiness experienced at being alone together.
44176 -- Jean de la Bruyere
44178 The opossum is a very sophisticated animal. It doesn't even get up
44181 The opossum is a very sophisticated animal.
44182 It doesn't even get up until 5 or 6 pm.
44184 The opposite of a correct statement is a false statement. But the opposite
44185 of a profound truth may well be another profound truth.
44188 The opposite of a profound truth may well be another profound truth.
44191 The opposite of talking isn't listening. The opposite of talking is
44193 -- Fran Lebowitz, "Social Studies"
44195 The optimist thinks that this is the best of all possible worlds,
44196 and the pessimist knows it.
44197 -- J. Robert Oppenheimer, "Bulletin of Atomic Scientists"
44199 Yet creeds mean very little, Coth answered the dark god, still speaking
44200 almost gently. The optimist proclaims that we live in the best of all
44201 possible worlds; and the pessimist fears this is true.
44202 -- James Cabell, "The Silver Stallion"
44204 The optimum committee has no members.
44205 -- Norman Augustine
44207 The opulence of the front office door varies
44208 inversely with the fundamental solvency of the firm.
44210 The orders come down and they march us away.
44211 There's a battle outside and we join in the fray.
44212 God, it's hell when you know this could be your last day,
44213 But it's better than working for Xerox.
44214 -- Frank Hayes, "Don't Ask"
44216 The other day I... uh, no, that wasn't me.
44219 The other line moves faster.
44221 The owner of a large furniture store in the mid-west arrived in France on
44222 a buying trip. As he was checking into a hotel he struck up an acquaintance
44223 with a beautiful young lady. However, she only spoke French and he only spoke
44224 English, so each couldn't understand a word the other spoke. He took out a
44225 pencil and a notebook and drew a picture of a coach. She smiled, nodded her
44226 head and they went for a ride in the park. Later, he drew a picture of a
44227 table in a restaurant with a question mark and she nodded, so they went to
44228 dinner. After dinner he sketched two dancers and she was delighted. They
44229 went to several nightclubs, drank champagne, danced and had a glorious
44230 evening. It had gotten quite late when she motioned for the pencil and drew
44231 a picture of a four-poster bed. He was dumbfounded, and to this day has
44232 never be able to understand how she knew he was in the furniture business.
44234 The part of the world that people find most puzzling is the part called "Me".
44236 The party adjourned to a hot tub, yes. Fully clothed, I might add.
44237 -- IBM employee, testifying in California State Supreme Court
44239 The passionate young thing was having a difficult time getting across what
44240 she wanted from her rather dense boyfriend. Finally she asked,
44241 "Would you like to see where I was operated on for appendicitis?"
44242 "Gosh, no!" he replied. "I hate hospitals."
44244 The past always looks better than it was.
44245 It's only pleasant because it isn't here.
44246 -- Finley Peter Dunne (Mr. Dooley)
44248 The people sensible enough to give
44249 good advice are usually sensible enough to give none.
44251 The perfect friend sees the best in you -- sees it constantly --
44252 not just when you occasionally are that way, but also when you
44253 waver, when you forget yourself, act like less than you are.
44254 In time, you become more like his vision of you -- which is the
44255 person you have always wanted to be.
44258 The perfect lover is one who turns into a pizza at 4:00 A.M.
44261 The perfect man is the true partner. Not a bed partner nor a fun partner,
44262 but a man who will shoulder burdens equally with [you] and possess that
44266 The person who can smile when something
44267 goes wrong has thought of someone to blame it on.
44269 The person who makes no mistakes does not usually make anything.
44271 The person who marries for money usually earns every penny of it.
44273 The person who's taking you to lunch has no intention of paying.
44275 The person you rejected yesterday could make you happy, if you say yes.
44277 The personal computer market is about the same size as the total potato chip
44278 market. Next year it will be about half the size of the pet food market and
44279 is fast approaching the total worldwide sales of pantyhose"
44280 -- James Finke, Commodore Int'l Ltd., 1982
44282 The perversity of nature is nowhere better demonstrated by the fact that,
44283 when exposed to the same atmosphere, bread becomes hard while crackers
44286 The philosopher's treatment of a question
44287 is like the treatment of an illness.
44290 The Phone Booth Rule:
44291 A lone dime always gets the number nearly right.
44293 The Pig, if I am not mistaken,
44294 Gives us ham and pork and Bacon.
44295 Let others think his heart is big,
44296 I think it stupid of the Pig.
44298 The pitcher wound up and he flang the ball at the batter. The batter swang
44299 and missed. The pitcher flang the ball again and this time the batter
44300 connected. He hit a high fly right to the center fielder. The center
44301 fielder was all set to catch the ball, but at the last minute his eyes were
44302 blound by the sun and he dropped it.
44305 The plural of spouse is spice.
44307 The Poems, all three hundred of them,
44308 may be summed up in one of their phrases:
44309 "Let our thoughts be correct".
44312 The Poet Whose Badness Saved His Life
44313 The most important poet in the seventeenth century was George
44314 Wither. Alexander Pope called him "wretched Wither" and Dryden said of his
44315 verse that "if they rhymed and rattled all was well".
44316 In our own time, "The Dictionary of National Biography" notes that his
44317 work "is mainly remarkable for its mass, fluidity and flatness. It usually
44318 lacks any genuine literary quality and often sinks into imbecile doggerel".
44319 High praise, indeed, and it may tempt you to savour a typically
44320 rewarding stanza: It is taken from "I loved a lass" and is concerned with
44321 the higher emotions.
44322 She would me "Honey" call,
44323 She'd -- O she'd kiss me too.
44324 But now alas! She's left me
44326 Among other details of his mistress which he chose to immortalize
44327 was her prudent choice of footwear.
44328 The fives did fit her shoe.
44329 In 1639 the great poet's life was endangered after his capture by
44330 the Royalists during the English Civil War. When Sir John Denham, the
44331 Royalist poet, heard of Wither's imminent execution, he went to the King and
44332 begged that his life be spared. When asked his reason, Sir John replied,
44333 "Because that so long as Wither lived, Denham would not be accounted the
44334 worst poet in England."
44335 -- Stephen Pile, "The Book of Heroic Failures"
44337 The poetry of heroism appeals irresistibly to those who don't go to a war,
44338 and even more so to those whom the war is making enormously wealthy."
44341 The point is, you see, that there is no point in driving yourself mad
44342 trying to stop yourself going mad. You might just as well give in and
44343 save your sanity for later.
44345 The polite thing to do has always been to address people as they wish to be
44346 addressed, to treat them in a way they think dignified. But it is equally
44347 important to accept and tolerate different standards of courtesy, not
44348 expecting everyone else to adapt to one's own preferences. Only then can
44349 we hope to restore the insult to its proper social function of expressing
44351 -- Judith Martin, "Miss Manners' Guide to Excruciatingly
44354 The politician is someone who deals in man's problems of adjustment.
44355 To ask a politician to lead us is to ask the tail of a dog to lead the dog.
44356 -- Buckminster Fuller
44358 The pollution's at that awkward stage.
44359 Too thick to navigate and too thin to cultivate.
44362 The possession of a book becomes a substitute for reading it.
44365 The powers not delegated to the United States by the Constitution, nor
44366 prohibited by it to the States, are reserved to the States respectively,
44368 -- U.S. Constitution, Amendment 10. (Bill of Rights)
44370 The Preacher, the Politician, the Teacher,
44371 Were each of them once a kiddie.
44372 A child, indeed, is a wonderful creature.
44373 Do I want one? God Forbiddie!
44376 The president publicly apologized today to all those offended by his brother's
44377 remark, "There's more Arabs in this country than there is Jews!". Those
44378 offended include Arabs, Jews, and English teachers.
44379 -- Channel 11 News, Baltimore, on Billy Carter
44381 The prettiest women are almost always the most
44382 boring, and that is why some people feel there is no God.
44383 -- Woody Allen, "Without Feathers"
44385 The price of greatness is responsibility.
44387 The price of success in philosophy is triviality.
44390 The price one pays for pursuing any profession, or calling, is an intimate
44391 knowledge of its ugly side.
44394 The primary function of the design engineer is to make things
44395 difficult for the fabricator and impossible for the serviceman.
44397 The primary purpose of the DATA statement is to give names to constants;
44398 instead of referring to pi as 3.141592653589793 at every appearance, the
44399 variable PI can be given that value with a DATA statement and used instead
44400 of the longer form of the constant. This also simplifies modifying the
44401 program, should the value of pi change.
44402 -- FORTRAN manual for Xerox Computers
44404 The primary theme of SoupCon is communication. The acronym "LEO"
44405 represents the secondary theme:
44407 Law Enforcement Officials
44409 The overall theme of SoupCon shall be:
44411 Avoiding Communication with Law Enforcement Officials
44414 The probability of someone watching you is directly
44415 proportional to the stupidity of your action.
44417 The problem that we thought was a problem was, indeed,
44418 a problem, but not the problem we thought was the problem.
44421 The problem with any unwritten law is that
44422 you don't know where to go to erase it.
44425 The problem with graduate students, in general, is that they have
44426 to sleep every few days.
44428 The problem with me is that I am fifty or one hundred years ahead of my
44429 time. My speed is very fast. Some ministers have had to drop out of my
44430 government because they could not keep up.
44433 The problem with most conspiracy theories is that they seem to believe that
44434 for a group of people to behave in a way detrimental to the common good
44437 The problem with people who have no vices is that generally you can
44438 be pretty sure they're going to have some pretty annoying virtues.
44439 -- Elizabeth Taylor
44441 The problem with the gene pool is that there is no lifeguard.
44443 The problem with this country is that there is no death penalty
44446 The problems of business administration in general, and database management in
44447 particular are much to difficult for people that think in IBMese, compounded
44448 with sloppy english.
44449 -- Edsger W. Dijkstra
44451 The profession of book writing makes horse racing seem like a solid,
44455 The program isn't debugged until the last user is dead.
44457 The programmers of old were mysterious and profound. We cannot fathom their
44458 thoughts, so all we do is describe their appearance.
44459 Aware, like a fox crossing the water. Alert, like a general on the
44460 battlefield. Kind, like a hostess greeting her guests. Simple, like uncarved
44461 blocks of wood. Opaque, like black pools in darkened caves.
44462 Who can tell the secrets of their hearts and minds?
44463 The answer exists only in the Tao.
44465 The proof of the pudding is in the eating.
44466 -- Miguel de Cervantes
44468 The proof that IBM didn't invent the car is that it has a steering wheel
44469 and an accelerator instead of spurs and ropes, to be compatible with a
44473 The propriety of some persons seems to consist in having improper
44474 thoughts about their neighbours.
44477 The Psblurtex is an 18-inch long anaconda that hides in the gentlemen's
44478 outfitting departments of Amazonian stores and is often bought by mistake
44479 since its colors are those of the London Reform Club. Once tied around its
44480 victim's neck, it strangles him gently and then claims the insurance before
44481 running off to Germany where it lives in hiding.
44482 -- Mike Harding, "The Armchair Anarchist's Almanac"
44484 The public demands certainties; it must be told definitely and a bit
44485 raucously that this is true and that is false. But there are no
44487 -- H.L. Mencken, "Prejudice"
44489 The Public is merely a multiplied "me."
44492 The Puritan hated bear-baiting, not because it gave pain to the bear, but
44493 because it gave pleasure to the spectators.
44494 -- Thomas Macaulay, "History of England"
44496 The purpose of Physics 7A is to make the engineers realize that they're
44497 not perfect, and to make the rest of the people realize that they're not
44500 "The pyramid is opening!"
44502 "The one with the ever-widening hole in it!"
44504 The quality of a pun is in the "Oy!" of the beholder.
44506 The Queen is most anxious to enlist every one who can speak or write to
44507 join in checking this mad, wicked folly of "Woman's Rights", with all its
44508 attendant horrors, on which her poor feeble sex is bent, forgetting every
44509 sense of womanly feeling and propriety. Lady-- ought to get a good
44510 whipping. It is a subject which makes the Queen so furious that she cannot
44511 contain herself. God created men and women different -- then let them
44512 remain each in their own position.
44513 -- Letter to Sir Theodore Martin, 29 May 1870, from
44516 The question of whether computers can think is just like the question of
44517 whether submarines can swim.
44518 -- Edsger W. Dijkstra
44520 The questions remain the same.
44521 The answers are eternally variable.
44523 The Rabbits The Cow
44524 Here is a verse about rabbits The cow is of the bovine ilk;
44525 That doesn't mention their habits. One end is moo, the other, milk.
44528 The race is not always to the swift, nor the
44529 battle to the strong, but that's the way to bet.
44532 The rain it raineth on the just
44533 And also on the unjust fella:
44534 But chiefly on the just, because
44535 The unjust steals the just's umbrella.
44538 The Ranger isn't gonna like it, Yogi.
44540 The rate at which a disease spreads through a corn field is a precise
44541 measurement of the speed of blight.
44543 The ratio of literacy to illiteracy is a constant, but nowadays the
44544 illiterates can read.
44547 The real man's Bloody Mary:
44548 Ingredients: vodka, tomato juice, Tabasco, Worcestershire
44549 sauce, A-1 steak sauce, ice, salt, pepper, celery.
44551 Fill a large tumbler with vodka.
44552 Throw all the other ingredients away.
44554 The real problem with hunting elephants carrying the decoys.
44556 The real purpose of books is to trap the mind into doing its own thinking.
44557 -- Christopher Morley
44559 The real reason large families benefit society is because at least
44560 a few of the children in the world shouldn't be raised by beginners.
44562 The real reason psychology is hard is that
44563 psychologists are trying to do the impossible.
44565 The real trouble with reality is that there's no background music.
44567 The reason computer chips are so small is computers don't eat much.
44569 The reason people sweat is so they won't catch fire when making love.
44572 The reason that every major university maintains a department of
44573 mathematics is that it's cheaper than institutionalizing all those
44576 The reason they're called wisdom teeth
44577 is that the experience makes you wise.
44579 The reason why worry kills more people
44580 than work is that more people worry than work.
44582 The reasonable man adapts himself to the world; the unreasonable one
44583 persists in trying to adapt the world to himself. Therefore all progress
44584 depends on the unreasonable man.
44585 -- George Bernard Shaw
44587 The reasons that each of these countries has had to renege on its
44588 financial commitments were all somewhat different: Argentina because of
44589 a war, Poland because of its vast misguided overinvestment in heavy
44590 industry, Honduras because the coffee price went sour, Zaire because
44591 nobody in the government there has a clue as to how to run a country.
44592 -- Paul Erdman's Money Book
44594 The relative importance of files depends on their cost
44595 in terms of the human effort needed to regenerate them.
44598 The requirements of romantic love are difficult to satisfy in the trunk
44602 The Reverend Henry Ward Beecher
44603 Called a hen a most elegant creature.
44604 The hen, pleased with that,
44605 Laid an egg in his hat --
44606 And thus did the hen reward Beecher.
44607 -- Oliver Wendell Holmes
44609 The reverse side also has a reverse side.
44610 -- Japanese proverb
44612 The revolution will not be televised.
44614 The reward for working hard is more hard work.
44616 The reward of a thing well done is to have done it.
44619 The rich get rich, and the poor get poorer.
44620 The haves get more, the have-nots die.
44622 The right half of the brain controls the left half of the body.
44623 This means that only left handed people are in their right mind.
44625 The right to be heard does not automatically include the right to be
44629 The right to be let alone is indeed the beginning of all freedom.
44632 The rights and interests of the laboring man will be protected and cared
44633 for not by our labor agitators, but by the Christian men to whom God in his
44634 infinite wisdom has given control of property interests of the country, and
44635 upon the successful management of which so much remains.
44636 -- George F. Baer, railroad industrialist
44638 The rights you have are the rights given you by this Committee [the
44639 House Un-American Activities Committee]. We will determine what rights
44640 you have and what rights you have not got.
44641 -- J. Parnell Thomas
44643 The ripest fruit falls first.
44644 -- William Shakespeare, "Richard II"
44646 The road to Hades is easy to travel.
44649 The road to hell is paved with NAND gates.
44652 The road to ruin is always in good repair,
44653 and the travellers pay the expense of it.
44657 The one who says it cannot be done should never interrupt the
44658 one who is doing it.
44660 The root of all superstition is that men
44661 observe when a thing hits, but not when it misses.
44664 The rose of yore is but a name, mere names are left to us.
44666 The Ruffed Pandanga of Borneo and Rotherham spreads out his feathers in
44667 his courtship dance and imitates Winston Churchill and Tommy Cooper on
44668 one leg. The padanga is dying out because the female padanga doesn't
44669 take it too seriously.
44670 -- Mike Harding, "The Armchair Anarchist's Almanac"
44672 The rule is, jam to-morrow and jam yesterday, but never jam today.
44675 The rule on staying alive as a forecaster is to give 'em a number or
44676 give 'em a date, but never give 'em both at once.
44677 -- Jane Bryant Quinn
44681 1: Thou shalt not worship other computer systems.
44682 2: Thou shalt not impersonate Liberace or eat watermelon while sitting at
44683 the console keyboard.
44684 3: Thou shalt not slap users on the face, nor staple their silly little
44685 card decks together.
44686 4: Thou shalt not get physically involved with the computer system,
44687 especially if you're already married.
44688 5: Thou shalt not use magnetic tapes as frisbees, nor use a disk pack as
44689 a stool to reach another disk pack.
44690 6: Thou shalt not stare at the blinking lights for more than one 8 hour
44692 7: Thou shalt not tell users that you accidentally destroyed their
44693 files/backup just to see the look on their little faces.
44694 8: Thou shalt not enjoy cancelling a job.
44695 9: Thou shalt not display firearms in the computer room.
44696 10: Thou shalt not push buttons "just to see what happens".
44698 The Russians have put a small ball up in the air.
44699 That does not raise my apprehensions one iota.
44700 -- Dwight D. Eisenhower
44702 The salary of the chief executive of the large corporation is not a market
44703 award for achievement. It is frequently in the nature of a warm personal
44704 gesture by the individual to himself.
44705 -- John Kenneth Galbraith, "Annals of an Abiding Liberal"
44707 The San Diego Freeway. Official Parking Lot of the 1984 Olympics!
44709 The savior becomes the victim.
44711 The scene: in a vast, painted desert, a cowboy faces his horse.
44713 Cowboy: "Well, you've been a pretty good hoss, I guess. Hardworkin'.
44714 Not the fastest critter I ever come acrost, but..."
44716 Horse: "No, stupid, not feed*back*. I said I wanted a feed*bag*.
44718 The Schwine-Kitzenger Institute study of 47 men over the age of 100
44719 showed that all had these things in common:
44721 1) They all had moderate appetites.
44722 2) They all came from middle class homes.
44723 3) All but two of them were dead.
44725 The search for the perfect martini is a fraud. The perfect martini is
44726 a belt of gin from the bottle; anything else is the decadent trappings
44730 The second best policy is dishonesty.
44732 The Second Law of Thermodynamics:
44733 If you think things are in a mess now, just wait!
44736 The secret of happiness is total disregard of everybody.
44738 The secret of healthy hitchhiking is to eat junk food.
44740 The secret of success is sincerity. Once you can fake that,
44741 you've got it made.
44744 The secret source of humor is not joy but sorrow;
44745 there is no humor in Heaven.
44748 The sendmail configuration file is one of those files that looks like someone
44749 beat their head on the keyboard. After working with it... I can see why!
44752 The seven eyes of Ningauble the Wizard floated back to his hood as he
44753 reported to Fafhrd: "I have seen much, yet cannot explain all. The Gray
44754 Mouser is exactly twenty-five feet below the deepest cellar in the palace
44755 of Gilpkerio Kistomerces. Even though twenty-four parts in twenty-five of
44756 him are dead, he is alive.
44757 Now about Lankhmar. She's been invaded, her walls breached
44758 everywhere and desperate fighting is going on in the streets, by a fierce
44759 host which out-numbers Lankhamar's inhabitants by fifty to one -- and
44760 equipped with all modern weapons. Yet you can save the city."
44761 "How?" demanded Fafhrd.
44762 Ningauble shrugged. "You're a hero. You should know."
44763 -- Fritz Leiber, "The Swords of Lankhmar"
44765 The seven year itch comes from fooling around during the fourth, fifth,
44768 The sheep died in the wool.
44770 The shifts of Fortune test the reliability of friends.
44771 -- Marcus Tullius Cicero
44773 The shortest distance between any two puns is a straight line.
44775 The shortest distance between two points is under construction.
44778 The Shuttle is now going five times the sound of speed.
44779 -- Dan Rather, first landing of Columbia
44781 The six great gifts of an Irish girl are beauty, soft
44782 voice, sweet speech, wisdom, needlework, and chastity.
44783 -- Theodore Roosevelt, 1907
44785 The sixth shiek's sixth sheep's sick.
44786 -- [just say that five times...]
44788 The sky is blue so we know where to stop mowing.
44789 -- Judge Harold T. Stone
44791 The smallest worm will turn being trodden on.
44792 -- William Shakespeare, "Henry VI"
44794 The smiling Spring comes in rejoicing,
44795 And surly Winter grimly flies.
44796 Now crystal clear are the falling waters,
44797 And bonnie blue are the sunny skies.
44798 Fresh o'er the mountains breaks forth the morning,
44799 The ev'ning gilds the oceans's swell:
44800 All creatures joy in the sun's returning,
44801 And I rejoice in my bonnie Bell.
44803 The flowery Spring leads sunny Summer,
44804 The yellow Autumn presses near;
44805 Then in his turn come gloomy Winter,
44806 Till smiling Spring again appear.
44807 Thus seasons dancing, life advancing,
44808 Old Time and Nature their changes tell;
44809 But never ranging, still unchanging,
44810 I adore my bonnie Bell.
44811 -- Robert Burns, "My Bonnie Bell"
44813 The so-called "desktop metaphor" of today's workstations is instead an
44814 "airplane-seat" metaphor. Anyone who has shuffled a lap full of papers
44815 while seated between two portly passengers will recognize the difference --
44816 one can see only a very few things at once.
44819 The so-called lessons of history are for the most part the
44820 rationalizations of the victors. History is written by the survivors.
44823 The society which scorns excellence in plumbing as a humble activity and
44824 tolerates shoddiness in philosophy because it is an exalted activity will
44825 have neither good plumbing nor good philosophy... neither its pipes nor
44826 its theories will hold water.
44828 The soldier came knocking upon the queen's door
44829 He said, "I am not fighting for you anymore"
44830 The queen knew she had seen his face someplace before
44831 And slowly she let him inside.
44833 He said, "I see you now, and you're so very young
44834 But I've seen more battles lost than I have battles won
44835 And I have this intuition that it's all for your fun
44836 And now will you tell me why?"
44837 -- Suzanne Vega, "The Queen and The Soldier"
44839 The solution of problems is the most characteristic
44840 and peculiar sort of voluntary thinking.
44843 The solution of this problem is trivial
44844 and is left as an exercise for the reader.
44846 The solution to a problem changes the nature of the problem.
44849 The somewhat old and crusty vicar was taking a well-earned retirement from
44850 his rather old and crusty parish. As is usual in these cases, a locum was
44851 sent to cover the transition period. This particular man was young and
44852 active, and had the strange notion that church should also be active and
44853 exciting. As a consequence he was more than a little disappointed with the
44854 dull and tradition-bound church. He decided to do something about it.
44855 For his first Sunday, he didn't wear the traditional robes and
44856 vestments, but lead the service wearing a nice 2-piece suit. The congregation
44857 was horrified! He changed the order of the service. The congregation was
44858 horrified! Then came the children's lesson.
44859 For this he came out of the pulpit, and sat on the communion table.
44860 The congregation was mortified! He sat there swinging his legs against
44861 the table as the children gathered around him.
44862 He asked the children, "What's small, brown, furry and eats nuts?"
44863 There was total silence.
44864 He asked again, "What's small, brown, furry and eats nuts?"
44866 Eventually, one timid youngster put up his hand and said, "Please,
44867 sir, I know the answer is Jesus, but it sure sounds like a squirrel to me."
44869 The sooner all the animals are dead, the sooner we'll find their money.
44870 -- Ed Bluestone, The National Lampoon
44872 The sooner all the animals are extinct, the sooner we'll find their money.
44875 The sooner you fall behind, the more time you have to catch up.
44877 The soul would have no rainbow had the eyes no tears.
44879 The sounds of the nouns are mostly unbound.
44880 In town a noun might wear a gown,
44881 or further down, might dress a clown.
44882 A noun that's sound would never clown,
44883 but unsound nouns jump up and down.
44884 The sound of a noun could distrub the plowing,
44885 and then, my dear, you'd be put in the pound.
44886 But please don't let that get you down,
44887 the renown of your gown is the talk of the town.
44890 The Soviet Union, which has complained recently about alleged anti-Soviet
44891 themes in American advertising, lodged an official protest this week
44892 against the Ford Motor Company's new campaign: "Hey you stinking, fat
44893 Russian, get off my Ford Escort."
44896 The speed of anything depends on the flow of everything.
44898 The spirit of Plato dies hard. We have been unable to escape the
44899 philosophical tradition that what we can see and measure in the world
44900 is merely the superficial and imperfect representation of an underlying
44902 -- S.J. Gould, "The Mismeasure of Man"
44904 The star of riches is shining upon you.
44906 The startling truth finally became apparent, and it was this: Numbers
44907 written on restaurant checks within the confines of restaurants do not
44908 follow the same mathematical laws as numbers written on any other pieces
44909 of paper in any other parts of the Universe. This single statement took
44910 the scientific world by storm. So many mathematical conferences got held
44911 in such good restaurants that many of the finest minds of a generation
44912 died of obesity and heart failure, and the science of mathematics was put
44916 The state of innocence contains the germs of all future sin.
44917 -- Alexandre Arnoux, "Etudes et caprices"
44919 The steady state of disks is full.
44922 The story of the butterfly:
44923 "I was in Bogota and waiting for a lady friend. I was in love,
44924 a long time ago. I waited three days. I was hungry but could not go
44925 out for food, lest she come and I not be there to greet her. Then, on
44926 the third day, I heard a knock."
44927 "I hurried along the old passage and there, in the sunlight,
44928 there was nothing."
44929 "Just," Vance Joy said, "a butterfly, flying away."
44930 -- Peter Carey, BLISS
44932 The story you are about to hear is true.
44933 Only the names have been changed to protect the innocent.
44935 The street preacher looked so baffled
44936 When I asked him why he dressed
44937 With forty pounds of headlines
44938 Stapled to his chest.
44939 But he cursed me when I proved to him
44940 I said, "Not even you can hide.
44941 You see, you're just like me.
44942 I hope you're satisfied."
44945 The streets were dark with something more than night.
44946 -- Raymond Chandler
44948 The strong give up and move away, while the weak give up and stay.
44950 The strong give up and move on, while the weak give up and stay.
44952 The strong individual loves the earth so much he lusts for recurrence. He
44953 can smile in the face of the most terrible thought: meaningless, aimless
44954 existence recurring eternally. The second characteristic of such a man is
44955 that he has the strength to recognise -- and to live with the recognition --
44956 that the world is valueless in itself and that all values are human ones.
44957 He creates himself by fashioning his own values; he has the pride to live
44958 by the values he wills.
44961 The sudden sight of me causes panic in the streets. They have
44962 yet to learn - only the savage fears what he does not understand.
44963 -- The Silver Surfer
44965 The sum of the intelligence of the world is constant.
44966 The population is, of course, growing.
44968 The sun never sets on those who ride into it.
44971 The sun was shining on the sea,
44972 Shining with all his might:
44973 He did his very best to make
44974 The billows smooth and bright --
44975 And this was very odd, because it was
44976 The middle of the night.
44979 The sunlights differ, but there is only one darkness.
44980 -- Ursula K. LeGuin, "The Dispossessed"
44982 The superfluous is very necessary.
44985 The superior man understands what is right;
44986 the inferior man understands what will sell.
44989 The superpowers often behave like two heavily armed blind men feeling their
44990 way around a room, each believing himself in mortal peril from the other,
44991 whom he assumes to have perfect vision. Each tends to ascribe to the other
44992 side a consistency, foresight and coherence that its own experience belies.
44993 Of course, even two blind men can do enormous damage to each other, not to
44997 The Supreme Court does it with all deliberate speed.
44999 The surest sign that a man is in love is when he divorces his wife.
45001 The surest way to corrupt a youth is to instruct him to hold in higher
45002 esteem those who think alike than those who think differently.
45005 The surest way to remain a winner is to
45006 win once, and then not play any more.
45008 The sweeter the apple, the blacker the core --
45009 Scratch a lover and find a foe!
45010 -- Dorothy Parker, "Ballad of a Great Weariness"
45012 The system was down for backups from 5am to 10am last Saturday.
45014 The system will be down for 10 days for preventative maintenance.
45016 The Tao doesn't take sides;
45017 it gives birth to both wins and losses.
45018 The Guru doesn't take sides;
45019 she welcomes both hackers and lusers.
45021 The Tao is like a stack:
45022 the data changes but not the structure.
45023 the more you use it, the deeper it becomes;
45024 the more you talk of it, the less you understand.
45026 Hold on to the root.
45028 The Tao is like a glob pattern:
45029 used but never used up.
45030 It is like the extern void:
45031 filled with infinite possibilities.
45033 It is masked but always present.
45034 I don't know who built to it.
45035 It came before the first kernel.
45037 The tao that can be tar(1)ed
45038 is not the entire Tao.
45039 The path that can be specified
45040 is not the Full Path.
45042 We declare the names
45043 of all variables and functions.
45044 Yet the Tao has no type specifier.
45046 Dynamically binding, you realize the magic.
45047 Statically binding, you see only the hierarchy.
45049 Yet magic and hierarchy
45050 arise from the same source,
45051 and this source has a null pointer.
45053 Reference the NULL within NULL,
45054 it is the gateway to all wizardry.
45056 The telephone is a good way to talk to people without having to offer
45058 -- Fran Lebowitz, "Interview"
45060 The temperature of Heaven can be rather accurately computed from available
45061 data. Our authority is Isaiah 30:26, "Moreover, the light of the Moon
45062 shall be as the light of the Sun and the light of the Sun shall be sevenfold,
45063 as the light of seven days." Thus Heaven receives from the Moon as much
45064 radiation as we do from the Sun, and in addition seven times seven (49) times
45065 as much as the Earth does from the Sun, or fifty times in all. The light we
45066 receive from the Moon is one ten-thousandth of the light we receive from the
45067 Sun, so we can ignore that. With these data we can compute the temperature
45068 of Heaven. The radiation falling on Heaven will heat it to the point where
45069 the heat lost by radiation is just equal to the heat received by radiation,
45070 i.e., Heaven loses fifty times as much heat as the Earth by radiation. Using
45071 the Stefan-Boltzmann law for radiation, (H/E)^4 = 50, where E is the absolute
45072 temperature of the earth (-300K), gives H as 798K (525C). The exact
45073 temperature of Hell cannot be computed, but it must be less than 444.6C, the
45074 temperature at which brimstone or sulphur changes from a liquid to a gas.
45075 Revelations 21:8 says "But the fearful, and unbelieving ... shall have their
45076 part in the lake which burneth with fire and brimstone." A lake of molten
45077 brimstone means that its temperature must be at or below the boiling point,
45078 or 444.6C (Above this point it would be a vapor, not a lake.) We have,
45079 then, that Heaven, at 525C is hotter than Hell at 445C.
45080 -- "Applied Optics", vol. 11, A14, 1972
45082 The temperature of the aqueous content of an unremittingly ogled
45083 culinary vessel will not achieve 100 degrees on the Celsius scale.
45085 The Ten Commandments for Technicians:
45086 1: Beware the lightening that lurketh in the undischarged
45087 capacitor, lest it cause thee to bounce upon thy buttocks in a
45088 most untechnician-like manner.
45090 7: Work thou not on energized equipment, for if thou dost, thy
45091 fellow workers will surely buy beers for thy widow and console
45094 The term "fire" brings up visions of violence and mayhem and the ugly scene
45095 of shooting employees who make mistakes. We will now refer to this process
45096 as "deleting" an employee (much as a file is deleted from a disk). The
45097 employee is simply there one instant, and gone the next. All the terrible
45098 temper tantrums, crying, and threats are eliminated.
45101 The test of a first-rate intelligence is the ability to hold two opposed
45102 ideas in the mind at the same time and still retain the ability to function.
45103 -- F. Scott Fitzgerald
45105 The test of intelligent tinkering is to save all the parts.
45108 The thing that takes up the least amount of time
45109 and causes the most amount of trouble is sex.
45111 The things that interest people most are usually none of their business.
45113 The Third Law of Photography:
45114 If you did manage to get any good shots, they will be ruined
45115 when someone inadvertently opens the darkroom door and all of
45116 the dark leaks out.
45118 The thought of being President fightens me and I do not think I
45120 -- Ronald Reagan in 1973
45122 Reagan won because he ran against Jimmy Carter. Had he run unopposed he
45126 Ronald Reagan is a triumph of the embalmer's art.
45129 Ronald Reagan's platform seems to be: Hey, I'm a big good-looking guy and
45130 I need a lot of sleep.
45131 -- Roy G. Blount, Jr.
45133 You've got to be careful quoting Ronald Reagan, because when you quote him
45134 accurately it's called mudslinging.
45137 The Thought Police are here. They've come
45138 To put you under cardiac arrest.
45139 And as they drag you through the door
45140 They tell you that you've failed the test.
45141 -- Buggles, "Living in the Plastic Age"
45143 The three best things about going to school are June, July, and August.
45145 The three biggest software lies:
45147 1: *Of course* we'll give you a copy of the source.
45148 2: *Of course* the third party vendor we bought that from
45149 will fix the microcode.
45150 3: Beta test site? No, *of course* you're not a beta test site.
45152 The three laws of thermodynamics:
45153 (1) You can't get anything without working for it.
45154 (2) The most you can accomplish by working is to break even.
45155 (3) You can only break even at absolute zero.
45157 THE THREE MOST COMMONLY-ASKED QUESTIONS AT DISNEYLAND:
45159 1) Where's the bathroom?
45160 2) What time does the parade start?
45161 3) Do you sell anything without that damn mouse on it?
45163 The three questions of greatest concern are -- 1. Is it attractive?
45164 2. Is it amusing? 3. Does it know its place?
45165 -- Fran Lebowitz, "Metropolitan Life"
45167 The three rules of international air travel:
45169 (1) Never fly on Aeroflot if you can possibly avoid it (this used
45170 to be Braniff or Aeroflot).
45171 (2) Never bet a whole lot of money on two little pairs unless you
45172 know *exactly* what you're doing.
45173 (3) Never sleep with anyone whose troubles are worse than your own.
45175 The thrill is here, but it won't last long
45176 You'd better have your fun before it moves along...
45178 The time for action is past!
45179 Now is the time for senseless bickering.
45181 The time is right to make new friends.
45183 The time spent on any item of the agenda [of a finance
45184 committee] will be in inverse proportion to the sum involved.
45187 The time was the 19th of May, 1780. The place was Hartford, Connecticut.
45188 The day has gone down in New England history as a terrible foretaste of
45189 Judgement Day. For at noon the skies turned from blue to grey and by
45190 mid-afternoon had blackened over so densely that, in that religious age,
45191 men fell on their knees and begged a final blessing before the end came.
45192 The Connecticut House of Representatives was in session. And, as some of
45193 the men fell down and others clamored for an immediate adjournment, the
45194 Speaker of the House, one Col. Davenport, came to his feet. He silenced
45195 them and said these words: "The day of judgment is either approaching or
45196 it is not. If it is not, there is no cause for adjournment. If it is, I
45197 choose to be found doing my duty. I wish therefore that candles may be
45201 The tree in which the sap is stagnant remains fruitless.
45204 The Tree of Learning bears the noblest fruit, but noble fruit tastes bad.
45206 The tree of research must from time to time
45207 be refreshed with the blood of bean counters.
45210 The trouble is, there is an endless supply of White Men,
45211 but there has always been a limited number of Human Beings.
45214 The trouble with a lot of self-made men is that they worship their creator.
45216 The trouble with being poor is that it takes up all your time.
45218 The trouble with being punctual is that people
45219 think you have nothing more important to do.
45221 The trouble with computers is that they do
45222 what you tell them, not what you want.
45225 The trouble with doing something right the first
45226 time is that nobody appreciates how difficult it was.
45228 The trouble with eating Italian food is that
45229 five or six days later you're hungry again.
45232 The trouble with heart disease is that the first
45233 symptom is often hard to deal with: death.
45236 The trouble with incest is that it gets you involved with relatives.
45237 -- George S. Kaufman
45239 The trouble with money is it costs too much!
45241 The trouble with opportunity is that it
45242 always comes disguised as hard work.
45243 -- Herbert V. Prochnow
45245 The trouble with some women is that they get
45246 all excited about nothing -- and then marry him.
45249 The trouble with telling a good story is that it invariably reminds
45250 the other fellow of a dull one.
45253 The trouble with the rat-race is that even if you win, you're still a rat.
45256 The trouble with this country is that there are too many politicians
45257 who believe, with a conviction based on experience, that you can fool
45258 all of the people all of the time.
45261 The trouble with you
45262 Is the trouble with me.
45264 But we still don't see.
45265 -- Robert Hunter, "Workingman's Dead"
45267 The true way goes over a rope which is not stretched at any great
45268 height but just above the ground. It seems more designed to make
45269 people stumble than to be walked upon.
45272 The truth about a man lies first and foremost in what he hides.
45275 The truth is rarely pure, and never simple.
45278 The truth of a proposition has nothing to do with its credibility.
45281 The truth of a thing is the feel of it, not the think of it.
45284 The Truth Shall Rape You Over.
45287 The truth you speak has no past and no future.
45288 It is, and that's all it needs to be.
45290 The turtle lives 'twixt plated decks
45291 Which practically conceal its sex.
45292 I think it clever of the turtle
45293 In such a fix to be so fertile.
45296 The two most beautiful words in the English language are "Cheque Enclosed."
45299 The two most common things in the universe are hydrogen and stupidity.
45301 The two most common things in the Universe are hydrogen and stupidity.
45304 The two oldest professions in the world have been ruined by amateurs.
45307 The two party system ... is a triumph of the dialectic. It showed that
45308 two could be one and one could be two and had probably been fabricated
45309 by Hegel for the American market on a subcontract from General Dynamics.
45312 The two things that can get you into trouble
45313 quicker than anything else are fast women and slow horses.
45315 The typewriting machine, when played with expression, is no more
45316 annoying than the piano when played by a sister or near relation.
45319 The, uh, snowy mountains are like really cold, eh?
45320 And the, um, plains stretch out like my moms girdle, eh?
45321 There's lotsa beers and doughnuts for everyone, eh?
45322 So the last one to be peaceful and everything is a big idiot,
45324 So shut yer face up and dry yer mucklucks by the fire, eh?
45325 And dream about girls with their high beams on, eh?
45326 They may be cold, but that's okay! Beer's better that way!
45328 -- A, like, Tribute to the Great White North, eh?
45331 The ultimate game show will be the one
45332 where somebody gets killed at the end.
45333 -- Chuck Barris, creator of "The Gong Show"
45335 The unfacts, did we have them, are too
45336 imprecisely few to warrant out certitude.
45338 The United States Army; 194 years of proud service, unhampered by progress.
45340 The universe is all a spin-off of the Big Bang.
45342 The universe is an island,
45343 surrounded by whatever it is that surrounds universes.
45345 The universe is laughing behind your back.
45347 The Universe is populated by stable things.
45350 The universe is ruled by letting things take their course.
45351 It cannot be ruled by interfering.
45354 The universe seems neither benign nor hostile, merely indifferent.
45357 The University of California Bears announced the signing of Reggie
45358 Philbin to a letter of intent to attend Cal next Fall. Philbin is
45359 said to make up for no talent by cheating well. Says Philbin of
45360 his decision to attend Cal, "I'm in it for the free ride."
45362 The University of California Statistics Department; where mean is normal,
45363 and deviation standard.
45365 The UNIX philosophy basically involves giving you enough rope to
45366 hang yourself. And then a couple of feet more, just to be sure.
45368 The urge to gamble is so universal and its practice so pleasurable
45369 that I assume it must be evil.
45372 The USA is so enormous, and so numerous are its schools, colleges and
45373 religious seminaries, many devoted to special religious beliefs ranging
45374 from the unorthodox to the dotty, that we can hardly wonder at its
45375 yielding a more bounteous harvest of gobbledegook than the rest of the
45376 world put together.
45377 -- Sir Peter Medawar
45379 The use of anthropomorphic terminology when dealing with computing systems
45380 is a symptom of professional immaturity.
45381 -- Edsger W. Dijkstra
45383 The use of COBOL cripples the mind; its teaching should, therefore, be
45384 regarded as a criminal offence.
45385 -- Edsger W. Dijkstra, SIGPLAN Notices, Volume 17, Number 5
45387 The use of COBOL cripples the mind;
45388 its teaching should, therefore, be regarded as a criminal offense.
45389 -- Edsger W. Dijkstra
45391 The use of money is all the advantage there is to having money.
45394 The value of a program is proportional to the weight of its output.
45396 The very first essential for success is a perpetually
45397 constant and regular employment of violence.
45398 -- Adolf Hitler, "Mein Kampf"
45400 The very powerful and the very stupid have one thing in common. Instead of
45401 altering their views to fit the facts, they alter the facts to fit their
45402 views ... which can be very uncomfortable if you happen to be one of the
45403 facts that needs altering.
45404 -- Doctor Who, "Face of Evil"
45406 The very remembrance of my former misfortune proves a new one to me.
45407 -- Miguel de Cervantes
45409 The Vet Who Surprised A Cow
45410 In the course of his duties in August 1977, a Dutch veterinary
45411 surgeon was required to treat an ailing cow. To investigate its internal
45412 gases he inserted a tube into that end of the animal not capable of facial
45413 expression and struck a match. The jet of flame set fire first to some
45414 bales of hay and then to the whole farm causing damage estimate at L45,000.
45415 The vet was later fined L140 for starting a fire in a manner surprising to
45416 the magistrates. The cow escaped with shock.
45417 -- Stephen Pile, "The Book of Heroic Failures"
45419 The VFW represents many who died to give this country a second chance
45420 to make it what it is supposed to be -- God's guest house on earth.
45423 The volume of paper expands to fill the available briefcases.
45426 The voluptuous blond was chatting with her handsome escort in a posh
45427 restaurant when their waiter, stumbling as he brought their drinks,
45428 dumped a martini on the rocks down the back of the blonde's dress. She
45429 sprang to her feet with a wild rebel yell, dashed wildly around the table,
45430 then galloped wriggling from the room followed by her distraught boyfriend.
45431 A man seated on the other side of the room with a date of his own beckoned
45432 to the waiter and said, "We'll have two of whatever she was drinking."
45434 The wages of sin are unreported.
45436 The War on Drugs is just a small part of the War on the United States
45439 The warning message we sent the Russians was a
45440 calculated ambiguity that would be clearly understood.
45443 The water was not fit to drink.
45444 To make it palatable, we had to add whiskey.
45445 By diligent effort, I learned to like it.
45448 The way I understand it, the Russians are sort of a combination of evil and
45449 incompetence... sort of like the Post Office with tanks.
45452 The way of the world is to praise dead saints and prosecute live ones.
45455 The way some people find fault, you'd think there was some kind of reward.
45457 The way to a man's heart is through his
45458 wife's belly, and don't you forget it.
45459 -- Edward Albee, "Who's Afraid of Virginia Woolf?"
45461 The way to a man's heart is through the left ventricle.
45463 The way to a man's stomach is through his esophagus.
45465 The way to fight a woman is with your hat. Grab it and run.
45467 The way to love anything is to realize that it might be lost.
45469 The way to make a small fortune in the
45470 commodities market is to start with a large fortune.
45472 The weather is here. Wish you were beautiful.
45474 The weather is here, I wish you were beautiful.
45475 My thoughts aren't too clear, but don't run away.
45476 My girlfriend's a bore; my job is too dutiful.
45477 Hell nobody's perfect, would you like to play?
45478 I feel together today!
45479 -- Jimmy Buffet, "Coconut Telegraph"
45481 The weed of crime bears bitter fruit.
45483 The weed of crime bears bitter fruit...
45484 but the leaves are good to smoke!
45487 The white race is the cancer of history.
45490 The whole earth is in jail and we're plotting this incredible jailbreak.
45493 The whole of life is futile unless you
45494 consider it as a sporting proposition.
45496 The whole world is a scab. The point is to pick it constructively.
45499 The whole world is a tuxedo and you are a pair of brown shoes.
45502 The whole world is about three drinks behind.
45505 The wise and intelligent are coming belatedly to realize that alcohol, and
45506 not the dog, is man's best friend. Rover is taking a beating -- and he
45510 The wise man seeks everything in himself;
45511 the ignorant man tries to get everything from somebody else.
45513 The wise shepherd never trusts his flock to a smiling wolf.
45515 The woman hurried home from her doctor's appointment, devastated by the
45516 medical report she had just received. When her husband came in from work,
45517 she told him, "Darling, the doctor said I have only twelve more hours to
45518 live. So I've decided I want to go to bed and make passionate love to you
45519 throughout the night. How does that sound, dearest?"
45520 "Hey, that's fine for *you*," replied the husband. "You don't have
45521 to get up in the morning!"
45523 The wonderful thing about a dancing bear
45524 is not how well he dances, but that he dances at all.
45526 The work [of software development] is becoming far easier (i.e. the tools
45527 we're using work at a higher level, more removed from machine, peripheral
45528 and operating system imperatives) than it was twenty years ago, and because
45529 of this, knowledge of the internals of a system may become less accessible.
45530 We may be able to dig deeper holes, but unless we know how to build taller
45531 ladders, we had best hope that it does not rain much.
45534 The world has many unintentionally cruel mechanisms that are not
45535 designed for people who walk on their hands.
45536 -- John Irving, "The World According to Garp"
45538 The world is a comedy to those who think,
45539 and a tragedy to those who feel.
45542 The world is coming to an end... SAVE YOUR BUFFERS!!
45544 The world is coming to an end!
45545 Repent and return those library books!
45547 The world is full of people who have never, since
45548 childhood, met an open doorway with an open mind.
45551 The world is moving so fast these days that the man who says
45552 it can't be done is generally interrupted by someone doing it.
45555 The world is not octal despite DEC.
45557 The world is your exercise-book, the pages on which you do your sums.
45558 It is not reality, although you can express reality there if you wish.
45559 You are also free to write nonsense, or lies, or to tear the pages.
45560 -- Messiah's Handbook : Reminders for the Advanced Soul
45562 The world needs more people like us and fewer like them.
45564 The world really isn't any worse.
45565 It's just that the news coverage is so much better.
45567 The world wants to be deceived.
45570 The world will end in 5 minutes. Please log out.
45572 The world's as ugly as sin,
45573 And almost as delightful
45574 -- Frederick Locker-Lampson
45576 The world's great men have not commonly been great scholars,
45577 nor its great scholars great men.
45578 -- Oliver Wendell Holmes
45580 The Worst American Poet
45581 Julia Moore, "the Sweet Singer of Michigan" (1847-1920) was so bad that
45582 Mark Twain said her first book gave him joy for 20 years.
45583 Her verse was mainly concerned with violent death -- the great fire
45584 of Chicago and the yellow fever epidemic proved natural subjects for her
45586 Whether death was by drowning, by fits or by runaway sleigh, the
45587 formula was the same:
45588 Have you heard of the dreadful fate
45589 Of Mr. P.P. Bliss and wife?
45590 Of their death I will relate,
45591 And also others lost their life
45592 (in the) Ashbula Bridge disaster,
45593 Where so many people died.
45594 Even if you started out reasonably healthy in one of Julia's poems,
45595 the chances are that after a few stanzas you would be at the bottom of a
45596 river or struck by lightning. A critic of the day said she was "worse than
45597 a Gatling gun" and in one slim volume counted 21 killed and 9 wounded.
45598 Incredibly, some newspapers were critical of her work, even
45599 suggesting that the sweet singer was "semi-literate". Her reply was
45600 forthright: "The Editors that has spoken in this scandalous manner have went
45601 beyond reason." She added that "literary work is very difficult to do".
45602 -- Stephen Pile, "The Book of Heroic Failures"
45604 THE WORST ANIMAL RESCUE
45606 During the firemen's strike of 1978, the British Army had taken over
45607 emergency firefighting and on 14 January they were called out by an
45608 elderly lady in South London to retrieve her cat which had become trapped
45609 up a tree. They arrived with impressive haste and soon discharged their
45610 duty. So grateful was the lady that she invited them all in for tea.
45611 Driving off later, with fond farewells completed, they ran over the cat
45613 -- Stephen Pile, "The Book of Heroic Failures"
45615 THE WORST BANK ROBBERY
45617 In August 1975 three men were on their way in to rob the Royal Bank of
45618 Scotland at Rothesay, when they got stuck in the revolving doors. They
45619 had to be helped free by the staff and, after thanking everyone,
45620 sheepishly left the building.
45621 A few minutes later they returned and announced their intention of
45622 robbing the bank, but none of the staff believed them. When they demanded
45623 5,000 pounds in cash, the head cashier laughed at them, convinced that it
45624 was a practical joke.
45625 Then one of the men jumped over the counter, but fell to the floor
45626 clutching his ankle. The other two tried to make their getaway, but got
45627 trapped in the revolving doors again.
45629 The Worst Car Hire Service
45630 When David Schwartz left university in 1972, he set up Rent-a-wreck
45631 as a joke. Being a natural prankster, he acquired a fleet of beat-up
45632 shabby, wreckages waiting for the scrap heap in California.
45633 He put on a cap and looked forward to watching people's faces as he
45634 conducted them round the choice of bumperless, dented junkmobiles.
45635 To his lasting surprise there was an insatiable demand for them and
45636 he now has 26 thriving branches all over America. "People like driving
45637 round in the worst cars available," he said. Of course they do.
45638 "If a driver damages the side of a car and is honest enough to
45639 admit it, I tell him, `Forget it'. If they bring a car back late we
45640 overlook it. If they've had a crash and it doesn't involve another vehicle
45641 we might overlook that too."
45642 "Where's the ashtray?" asked on Los Angeles wife, as she settled
45643 into the ripped interior. "Honey," said her husband, "the whole car's the
45645 -- Stephen Pile, "The Book of Heroic Failures"
45647 The worst cliques are those which consist of one man.
45650 THE WORST HOMING PIGEON
45652 This historic bird was released in Pembrokeshire in June 1953 and was
45653 expected to reach its base that evening. It was returned by post, dead,
45654 in a cardboard box eleven years later from Brazil.
45655 -- Stephen Pile, "The Book of Heroic Failures"
45657 The worst is enemy of the bad.
45659 The worst is not so long as we can say "This is the worst."
45663 A murder trial at Manitoba in February 1978 was well advanced, when
45664 one juror revealed that he was completely deaf and did not have the
45665 remotest clue what was happening.
45666 The judge, Mr. Justice Solomon, asked him if he had heard any
45667 evidence at all and, when there was no reply, dismissed him.
45668 The excitement which this caused was only equalled when a second
45669 juror revealed that he spoke not a word of English. A fluent French
45670 speaker, he exhibited great surprised when told, after two days, that he
45671 was hearing a murder trial.
45672 The trial was abandoned when a third juror said that he suffered
45673 from both conditions, being simultaneously unversed in the English language
45674 and nearly as deaf as the first juror.
45675 The judge ordered a retrial.
45676 -- Stephen Pile, "The Book of Heroic Failures"
45678 The Worst Lines of Verse
45679 For a start, we can rule out James Grainger's promising line:
45680 "Come, muse, let us sing of rats."
45681 Grainger (1721-67) did not have the courage of his convictions and deleted
45682 these words on discovering that his listeners dissolved into spontaneous
45683 laughter the instant they were read out.
45684 No such reluctance afflicted Adam Lindsay Gordon (1833-70) who was
45685 inspired by the subject of war.
45686 "Flash! flash! bang! bang! and we blazed away,
45687 And the grey roof reddened and rang;
45688 Flash! flash! and I felt his bullet flay
45689 The tip of my ear. Flash! bang!"
45690 By contrast, Cheshire cheese provoked John Armstrong (1709-79):
45691 "... that which Cestria sends, tenacious paste of solid milk..."
45692 While John Bidlake was guided by a compassion for vegetables:
45693 "The sluggard carrot sleeps his day in bed,
45694 The crippled pea alone that cannot stand."
45695 George Crabbe (1754-1832) wrote:
45696 "And I was ask'd and authorized to go
45697 To seek the firm of Clutterbuck and Co."
45698 William Balmford explored the possibilities of religious verse:
45699 "So 'tis with Christians, Nature being weak
45700 While in this world, are liable to leak."
45701 And William Wordsworth showed that he could do it if he really tried when
45703 "I've measured it from side to side;
45704 Tis three feet long and two feet wide."
45705 -- Stephen Pile, "The Book of Heroic Failures"
45707 The Worst Musical Trio
45708 There are few bad musicians who have a chance to give a recital at
45709 a famous concert hall while still learning the rudiments of their
45710 instrument. This happened about thirty years ago to the son of a Rumanian
45711 gentleman who was owed a personal favour by Georges Enesco, the celebrated
45712 violinist. Enesco agreed to give lessons to the son who was quite
45713 unhampered by great musical talent.
45714 Three years later the boy's father insisted that he give a public
45715 concert. "His aunt said that nobody plays the violin better than he does.
45716 A cousin heard him the other day and screamed with enthusiasm." Although
45717 Enesco feared the consequences, he arranged a recital at the Salle Gaveau
45718 in Paris. However, nobody bought a ticket since the soloist was unknown.
45719 "Then you must accompany him on the piano," said the boy's father,
45720 "and it will be a sell out."
45721 Reluctantly, Enesco agreed and it was. On the night an excited
45722 audience gathered. Before the concert began Enesco became nervous and
45723 asked for someone to turn his pages.
45724 In the audience was Alfred Cortot, the brilliant pianist, who
45725 volunteered and made his way to the stage.
45726 The soloist was of uniformly low standard and next morning the
45727 music critic of Le Figaro wrote: "There was a strange concert at the Salle
45728 Gaveau last night. The man whom we adore when he plays the violin played
45729 the piano. Another whom we adore when he plays the piano turned the pages.
45730 But the man who should have turned the pages played the violin."
45731 -- Stephen Pile, "The Book of Heroic Failures"
45733 The worst part of having success is trying
45734 to find someone who is happy for you.
45737 The worst part of valor is indiscretion.
45739 The Worst Prison Guards
45740 The largest number of convicts ever to escape simultaneously from a
45741 maximum security prison is 124. This record is held by Alcoente Prison,
45742 near Lisbon in Portugal.
45743 During the weeks leading up to the escape in July 1978 the prison
45744 warders had noticed that attendances had fallen at film shows which
45745 included "The Great Escape", and also that 220 knives and a huge quantity
45746 of electric cable had disappeared. A guard explained, "Yes, we were
45747 planning to look for them, but never got around to it." The warders had
45748 not, however, noticed the gaping holes in the wall because they were
45749 "covered with posters". Nor did they detect any of the spades, chisels,
45750 water hoses and electric drills amassed by the inmates in large quantities.
45751 The night before the breakout one guard had noticed that of the 36
45752 prisoners in his block only 13 were present. He said this was "normal"
45753 because inmates sometimes missed roll-call or hid, but usually came back
45755 "We only found out about the escape at 6:30 the next morning when
45756 one of the prisoners told us," a warder said later. [...] When they
45757 eventually checked, the prison guards found that exactly half of the gaol's
45758 population was missing. By way of explanation the Justice Minister, Dr.
45759 Santos Pais, claimed that the escape was "normal" and part of the
45760 "legitimate desire of the prisoner to regain his liberty."
45761 -- Stephen Pile, "The Book of Heroic Failures"
45763 The worst sin towards our fellow creatures is not to hate them,
45764 but to be indifferent to them; that's the essence of inhumanity.
45767 The worst thing about some men is that when they are not drunk they
45769 -- William Butler Yeats
45771 The worst thing one can do is not to try, to be aware of what one
45772 wants and not give in to it, to spend years in silent hurt wondering
45773 if something could have materialized -- and never knowing.
45776 The Wright Brothers weren't the first to fly.
45777 They were just the first not to crash.
45779 The yankees, son, are up north.
45780 The damnyankees are down here.
45782 The years of peak mental activity are undoubtedly between the ages of
45783 four and eighteen. At four we know all the questions, at eighteen all
45786 The young Georgia miss came to the hospital for a checkup.
45787 "Have you been X-rayed?" asked the doctor.
45788 "Nope," she said, "but ah've been ultraviolated."
45790 The young lady had an unusual list,
45791 Linked in part to a structural weakness.
45792 She set no preconditions.
45794 The young man-about-town enjoyed luxury but didn't always have the means
45795 to buy it, and so he huffily walked out of the Miami Beach hotel when he
45796 found out the charges for room, meals and golf privileges were $300 a day.
45797 He registered across the street at an equally elegant hotel, where the
45798 rates were only $70. The following morning he went down to the hotel's
45799 golf course and asked Scotty, the pro, to sell him a couple of golf balls.
45800 "Sure," said Scotty. "That'll be $25 apiece."
45801 "What?" screamed the bachelor. "In the hotel across the street
45802 they only charge $1 a ball!"
45803 "Naturally," replied the pro. "Over there they get you by the
45806 THEGODDESSOFTHENETHASTWISTINGFINGERSANDHERVOICEISLIKEAJAVALININTHENIGHTDUDE
45808 Their idea of an offer you can't refuse is an offer...
45809 and you'd better not refuse.
45813 Then, gently touching my face, she hesitated for a moment as her
45814 incredible eyes poured forth into mine love, joy, pain, tragedy,
45815 acceptance, and peace. "'Bye for now," she said warmly.
45816 -- Thea Alexander, "2150 A.D."
45818 Then there was LSD, which was supposed to make you think you could fly.
45819 I remember it made you think you couldn't stand up, and mostly it was
45823 Then there was the Formosan bartender named Taiwan-On.
45825 Then there was the ScoutMaster who got a fantastic deal on this case of
45826 Tates brand compasses for his troup; only $1.25 each! Only problem was,
45827 when they got them out in the woods, the compasses were all stuck pointing
45828 to the "W" on the dial.
45831 He who has a Tates is lost!
45833 "Then you admit confirming not denying you ever said that?"
45834 "NO! ... I mean Yes! WHAT?"
45835 "I'll put `maybe.'"
45838 Theology is an attempt to explain a subject by men who do not understand
45839 it. The intent is not to tell the truth but to satisfy the questioner.
45842 Theorem: a cat has nine tails.
45844 No cat has eight tails. A cat has one tail more than no cat.
45845 Therefore, a cat has nine tails.
45847 Theorem: All positive integers are equal.
45848 Proof: Sufficient to show that for any two positive integers, A and B, A = B.
45849 Further, it is sufficient to show that for all N > 0, if A and B
45850 (positive integers) satisfy (MAX(A, B) = N) then A = B.
45852 Proceed by induction:
45853 If N = 1, then A and B, being positive integers, must both be 1.
45856 Assume that the theorem is true for some value k. Take A and B with
45857 MAX(A, B) = k+1. Then MAX((A-1), (B-1)) = k. And hence
45858 (A-1) = (B-1). Consequently, A = B.
45860 Theorem: All programs are dull.
45862 Proof: Assume the contrary; i.e., the set of interesting programs is
45863 nonempty. Arrange them (or it) in order of interest (note that all
45864 sets can be well ordered, so do it properly). The minimal element is
45865 the "least interesting program", the obvious dullness of which provides
45866 the contradictory denouement we so devoutly seek.
45867 -- Stan Kelly-Bootle, "The Devil's DP Dictionary"
45870 System of ideas meant to explain something, chosen with a view to
45871 originality, controversialism, incomprehensibility, and how good
45872 it will look in print.
45874 Theory is gray, but the golden tree of life is green.
45877 Theory of Selective Supervision:
45878 The one time in the day that you lean back and relax is
45879 the one time the boss walks through the office.
45881 There appears before you a threatening figure clad all over in heavy black
45882 armor. His legs seem like the massive trunk of the oak tree. His broad
45883 shoulders and helmeted head loom high over your own puny frame and you
45884 realize that his powerful arms could easily crush the very life from your
45885 body. There hangs from his belt a veritable arsenal of deadly weapons:
45886 sword, mace, ball and chain, dagger, lance, and trident.
45887 He speaks with a commanding voice:
45889 "YOU SHALL NOT PASS"
45891 As he grabs you by the neck all grows dim about you.
45893 There appears to be irrefutable evidence that
45894 the mere fact of overcrowding induces violence.
45897 There are a few things that never go out of style,
45898 and a feminine woman is one of them.
45901 There are a lot of lies going around.... and half of them are true.
45902 -- Winston Churchill
45904 There are bad times just around the corner,
45905 There are dark clouds hurtling through the sky
45906 And it's no good whining
45907 About a silver lining
45908 For we know from experience that they won't roll by...
45911 There are few people more often in the wrong
45912 than those who cannot endure to be thought so.
45914 There are few virtues that the Poles do not possess --
45915 and there are few mistakes they have ever avoided.
45916 -- W. Churchill, Parliament, August, 1945
45918 There are four kinds of homicide: felonious,
45919 excusable, justifiable, and praiseworthy...
45922 There are four stages to a marriage. First there's the affair, then there's
45923 the marriage, then children and finally the fourth stage, without which you
45924 cannot know a woman, the divorce.
45927 There are in this country two very large monopolies. The larger of the
45928 two has the following record: The Vietnam War, Watergate, double-digit
45929 inflation, fuel and energy shortages, bankrupt airlines, and the 8-cent
45930 postcard. The second is responsible for such things as the transistor,
45931 the solar cell, lasers, synthetic crystals, high fidelity stereo recording,
45932 sound motion pictures, radio astronomy, negative feedback, magnetic tape,
45933 magnetic "bubbles", electronic switching systems, microwave radio and TV
45934 relay systems, information theory, the first electrical digital computer,
45935 and the first communications satellite. Guess which one is going to tell
45936 the other how to run the telephone business? I can hardly wait for the
45939 There are many intelligent species in
45940 the universe, and they all own cats.
45942 There are many of us in this old world of ours who hold that things break
45943 about even for all of us. I have observed, for example, that we all get
45944 about the same amount of ice. The rich get it in the summer and the poor
45945 get it in the winter.
45948 There are many people today who literally do not have a close personal
45949 friend. They may know something that we don't. They are probably
45950 avoiding a great deal of pain.
45952 There are more dead people than living, and their numbers are increasing.
45955 There are more old drunkards than old doctors.
45957 There are more things in heaven and earth than any place else.
45959 There are more things in heaven and earth,
45960 Horatio, than are dreamt of in your philosophy.
45963 There are more ways of killing a cat than choking her with cream.
45965 There are never any bugs you haven't found yet.
45967 There are new messages.
45969 There are no accidents whatsoever in the universe.
45972 There are no answers, only cross-references.
45975 There are no emotional victims, only volunteers.
45977 There are no great men, buster. There are only men.
45978 -- Elaine Stewart, "The Bad and the Beautiful"
45980 There are no great men, only great challenges that
45981 ordinary men are forced by circumstances to meet.
45982 -- Admiral William Halsey
45984 There are no manifestos like cannon and musketry.
45985 -- The Duke of Wellington
45987 There are no physicists in the hottest parts of hell, because the existence
45988 of a "hottest part" implies a temperature difference, and any marginally
45989 competent physicist would immediately use this to run a heat engine and make
45990 some other part of hell comfortably cool. This is obviously impossible.
45991 -- Richard Davisson
45993 There are no rules for March. March is spring, sort
45994 of, usually, March means maybe, but don't bet on it.
45996 There are no winners in life, only survivors.
45998 There are only two kinds of men -- the dead and the deadly.
46001 There are only two kinds of tequila. Good and better.
46003 There are only two things in this world that I am sure of, death and
46004 taxes, and we just might do something about death one of these days.
46007 There are people so addicted to exaggeration
46008 that they can't tell the truth without lying.
46011 There are people who find it odd to eat four or five Chinese meals
46012 in a row; in China, I often remind them, there are a billion or so
46013 people who find nothing odd about it.
46016 There are places I'll remember
46017 All my life though some have changed.
46018 Some forever not for better
46019 Some have gone and some remain.
46020 All these places had their moments
46021 With lovers and friends I still recall.
46022 Some are dead and some are living,
46023 In my life I've loved them all.
46025 But of all these friends and lovers,
46026 There is no one compared with you,
46027 All these memories lose their meaning
46028 When I think of love as something new.
46029 Though I know I'll never lose affection
46030 For people and things that went before,
46031 I know I'll often stop and think about them
46032 In my life I'll love you more.
46033 -- Lennon/McCartney, "In My Life", 1965
46035 There are running jobs.
46036 Why don't you go chase them?
46038 There are some micro-organisms that exhibit characteristics of both
46039 plants and animals. When exposed to light they undergo photosynthesis;
46040 and when the lights go out, they turn into animals. But then again,
46043 There are strange things done in the midnight sun
46044 By the men who moil for gold;
46045 The Arctic trails have their secret tales
46046 That would make your blood run cold;
46047 The Northern Lights have seen queer sights,
46048 But the queerest they ever did see
46049 Was that night on the marge of Lake Lebarge
46050 I cremated Sam McGee.
46051 -- Robert W. Service
46053 There are ten or twenty basic truths, and life
46054 is the process of discovering them over and over and over.
46057 There are those who claim that magic is like the tide; that it swells and
46058 fades over the surface of the earth, collecting in concentrated pools here
46059 and there, almost disappearing from other spots, leaving them parched for
46060 wonder. There are also those who believe that if you stick your fingers up
46061 your nose and blow, it will increase your intelligence.
46062 -- The Teachings of Ebenezum, Volume VII
46064 There are three kinds of lies: lies, damned lies and statistics.
46065 -- Benjamin Disraeli
46067 There are three kinds of people: men, women, and unix.
46069 There are three possibilities:
46070 Pioneer's solar panel has turned away from the sun;
46071 there's a large meteor blocking transmission;
46072 someone loaded Star Trek 3.2 into our video processor.
46074 There are three possible parts to a date, of which at least two must be
46075 offered: entertainment, food, and affection. It is customary to begin a
46076 series of dates with a great deal of entertainment, a moderate amount of
46077 food, and the merest suggestion of affection. As the amount of affection
46078 increases, the entertainment can be reduced proportionately. When the
46079 affection IS the entertainment, we no longer call it dating. Under no
46080 circumstances can the food be omitted.
46081 -- Miss Manners' Guide to Excruciatingly Correct Behaviour
46083 There are three reasons for becoming a writer: the first is that you need
46084 the money; the second that you have something to say that you think the
46085 world should know; the third is that you can't think what to do with the
46086 long winter evenings.
46089 There are three rules for writing a novel.
46090 Unfortunately, no one knows what they are.
46093 There are three schools of magic. One: State a tautology, then ring the
46094 changes on its corollaries; that's philosophy. Two: Record many facts.
46095 Try to find a pattern. Then make a wrong guess at the next fact; that's
46096 science. Three: Be aware that you live in a malevolent Universe controlled
46097 by Murphy's Law, sometimes offset by Brewster's Factor; that's engineering.
46099 There are three things I always forget. Names, faces -- the third I
46103 There are three things I have always loved
46104 and never understood -- art, music, and women.
46106 There are three things men can do with women:
46107 love them, suffer for them, or turn them into literature.
46110 There are three ways to get something done:
46113 2: Hire someone to do it for you.
46114 3: Forbid your kids to do it.
46116 There are three ways to get something done:
46117 do it yourself, hire someone, or forbid your kids to do it.
46119 There are twenty-five people left in the world,
46120 and twenty-seven of them are hamburgers.
46123 There are two jazz musicians who are great buddies. They hang out and play
46124 together for years, virtually inseparable. Unfortunately, one of them is
46125 struck by a truck and killed. About a week later his friend wakes up in
46126 the middle of the night with a start because he can feel a presence in the
46127 room. He calls out, "Who's there? Who's there? What's going on?"
46128 "It's me -- Bob," replies a faraway voice.
46129 Excitedly he sits up in bed. "Bob! Bob! Is that you? Where are
46131 "Well," says the voice, "I'm in heaven now."
46132 "Heaven! You're in heaven! That's wonderful! What's it like?"
46133 "It's great, man. I gotta tell you, I'm jamming up here every day.
46134 I'm playing with Bird, and 'Trane, and Count Basie drops in all the time!
46135 Man it is smokin'!"
46136 "Oh, wow!" says his friend. "That sounds fantastic, tell me more,
46138 "Let me put it this way," continues the voice. "There's good news
46139 and bad news. The good news is that these guys are in top form. I mean
46140 I have *never* heard them sound better. They are *wailing* up here."
46141 "The bad news is that God has this girlfriend that sings..."
46143 There are two kinds of fool. One says, "This is old, and therefore good."
46144 And one says, "This is new, and therefore better"
46145 -- John Brunner, "The Shockwave Rider"
46147 There are two kinds of pedestrians... the quick and the dead.
46148 -- Lord Thomas Rober Dewar
46150 There are two major products that come out of Berkeley: LSD and UNIX.
46151 We don't believe this to be a coincidence.
46152 -- Jeremy S. Anderson
46154 There are two problems with a major hangover. You feel
46155 like you are going to die and you're afraid that you won't.
46157 There are two times when a man doesn't understand a woman -- before
46158 marriage and after marriage.
46160 There are two ways of constructing a software design. One way is to make
46161 it so simple that there are obviously no deficiencies and the other is to
46162 make it so complicated that there are no obvious deficiencies.
46165 There are two ways of disliking art.
46166 One is to dislike it.
46167 The other is to like it rationally.
46170 There are two ways of disliking poetry;
46171 one way is to dislike it, the other is to read Pope.
46174 There are two ways to write error-free
46175 programs; only the third one works.
46177 There are very few personal problems that cannot be
46178 solved through a suitable application of high explosives.
46180 There are worse things in life than death. Have you ever spent an evening
46181 with an insurance salesman?
46184 There be sober men a'plenty, and drunkards barely twenty; there are men
46185 of over ninety who have never yet kissed a girl. But give me the rambling
46186 rover, from Orkney down to Dover, we will roam the whole world over, and
46187 together we'll face the world.
46188 -- Andy Stewart, "After the Hush"
46190 There but for the grace of God, goes God.
46191 -- Winston Churchill, speaking of Sir Stafford Cripps.
46193 There can be no daily democracy without daily citizenship.
46196 There cannot be a crisis next week. My schedule is already full.
46199 There comes a time in the affairs of a man when he
46200 has to take the bull by the tail and face the situation.
46203 There comes a time to stop being angry.
46204 -- A Small Circle of Friends
46206 There exist tasks which cannot be done
46207 by more than 10 men or fewer than 100.
46210 There goes the good time that was had by all.
46211 -- Bette Davis, remarking on a passing starlet
46213 There has also been some work to allow the interesting use of macro names.
46214 For example, if you wanted all of your "creat()" calls to include read
46215 permissions for everyone, you could say
46217 #define creat(file, mode) creat(file, mode | 0444)
46219 I would recommend against this kind of thing in general, since it
46220 hides the changed semantics of "creat()" in a macro, potentially far away
46222 To allow this use of macros, the preprocessor uses a process that
46223 is worth describing, if for no other reason than that we get to use one of
46224 the more amusing terms introduced into the C lexicon. While a macro is
46225 being expanded, it is temporarily undefined, and any recurrence of the macro
46226 name is "painted blue" -- I kid you not, this is the official terminology
46227 -- so that in future scans of the text the macro will not be expanded
46228 recursively. (I do not know why the color blue was chosen; I'm sure it
46229 was the result of a long debate, spread over several meetings.)
46230 -- From Ken Arnold's "C Advisor" column in Unix Review
46232 There has been a little distress selling on the stock exchange.
46233 -- Thomas W. Lamont, October 29, 1929
46235 There has been an alarming increase in the
46236 number of things you know nothing about.
46238 There is a 20% chance of tomorrow.
46240 There is a building with four floors. On the first floor, there
46241 is a convention of architects. On the second floor, there is a
46242 vinyl manufacturing plant. On the third floor there is a fast food
46243 stand, and on the fourth floor there is a library.
46245 Q: What would happen if a librarian traveled down in a small
46246 elevator with one other person from each floor?
46247 A: The elevator would be full.
46249 There is a certain frame of mind to which a cemetery
46250 is, if not an antidote, at least an alleviation. If
46251 you are in a fit of the blues, go nowhere else.
46252 --Robert Louis Stevenson: Immortelles
46254 There is a certain impertinence in allowing oneself to be burned for an
46258 There is a fly on your nose.
46260 There is a good deal of solemn cant about the common interests of capital
46261 and labour. As matters stand, their only common interest is that of cutting
46262 each other's throat.
46263 -- Brooks Atkinson, "Once Around the Sun"
46265 There is a great discovery still to be made in Literature:
46266 that of paying literary men by the quantity they do NOT write.
46268 There is a green, multi-legged creature crawling on your shoulder.
46270 There is a limit to the admiration we may hold for a man who spends
46271 his waking hours poking the contents of chickens with a stick.
46272 -- Tom Robbins, "Jitterbug Perfume"
46274 There is a new anti-communist organization that advocates the use of
46275 wooden toilet seats.
46277 It's called the Birch John Society.
46279 There is a road to freedom. Its milestones are Obedience, Endeavor, Honesty,
46280 Order, Cleanliness, Sobriety, Truthfulness, Sacrifice, and love of the
46284 There is a theory which states that if ever anyone discovers exactly
46285 what the Universe is for and why it is here, it will instantly disappear
46286 and be replaced by something even more bizarre and inexplicable. There
46287 is another theory which states that this has already happened.
46288 -- The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy
46290 There is a time in the tides of men,
46291 Which, taken at its flood, leads on to success.
46292 On the other hand, don't count on it.
46295 There is a vast difference between the savage and civilized man, but it
46296 is never apparent to their wives until after breakfast.
46299 There is always more hell that needs raising.
46302 There is always one thing to remember: writers are always selling
46304 -- Joan Didion, "Slouching Towards Bethlehem"
46306 There is always someone worse off than yourself.
46308 There is always something new out of Africa.
46309 -- Gaius Plinius Secundus
46311 There is an innocence in admiration; it is found in those to whom it
46312 has not yet occurred that they, too, might be admired some day.
46313 -- Friedrich Nietzsche
46315 There is an old time toast which is golden for its beauty.
46316 "When you ascend the hill of prosperity may you not meet a friend."
46319 There is brutality and there is honesty.
46320 There is no such thing as brutal honesty.
46322 There is grandeur in this view of life, with its several powers,
46323 having been originally breathed into a few forms or into one; and that,
46324 whilst this planet has gone cycling on according to the fixed law of
46325 gravity, from so simple a beginning endless forms most beautiful and
46326 most wonderful have been, and are being, evolved.
46329 There is hardly a thing in the world that some man can
46330 not make a little worse and sell a little cheaper.
46332 There is hopeful symbolism in the fact that flags do not wave in a vacuum.
46333 -- Arthur C. Clarke
46335 There is in certain living souls
46336 A quality of loneliness unspeakable,
46337 So great it must be shared
46338 As company is shared by lesser beings.
46339 Such a loneliness is mine; so know by this
46341 There is one lonelier than you.
46343 There is, in fact, no reason to believe that any given natural phenomenon,
46344 however marvelous it may seem today, will remain forever inexplicable.
46345 Soon or late the laws governing the production of life itself will be
46346 discovered in the laboratory, and man may set up business as a creator
46347 on his own account. The thing, indeed, is not only conceivable; it is
46348 even highly probable.
46349 -- H.L. Mencken, 1930
46351 There is is no reason for any individual to have a computer in their home.
46352 -- Ken Olsen (President of Digital Equipment Corporation),
46353 Convention of the World Future Society, in Boston, 1977
46355 There is Jackson standing like a stone wall. Let us determine to die,
46356 and we will conquer. Follow me.
46357 -- General Barnard E. Bee (CSA)
46359 There is more simplicity in a man who eats caviar on impulse than in a
46360 man who eats Grapenuts on principle.
46363 There is more simplicity in the man who eats caviar on impulse than in the
46364 man who eats Grap-Nuts on principle.
46367 There is more to life than increasing its speed.
46370 There is more to life than increasing its speed.
46371 -- Mohandis K. Gandhi
46373 There is much Obi-Wan did not tell you.
46376 There is never enough time to do it right the first time, but there is
46377 always enough time to do it over.
46379 There is never time to do it right, but always time to do it over.
46381 There is no act of treachery or mean-ness of which a political party
46382 is not capable; for in politics there is no honour.
46383 -- Benjamin Disraeli, "Vivian Grey"
46385 There is no better way of exercising the imagination than the study of law.
46386 No poet ever interpreted nature as freely as a lawyer interprets truth.
46387 -- Jean Giraudoux, "Tiger at the Gates"
46389 There is no better way to exercise the imagination than the study of the law.
46390 No artist ever interpreted nature as freely as a lawyer interprets the truth.
46393 "There is no choice before us. Either we must Succeed in providing
46394 the rational coordination of impulses and guts, or for centuries
46395 civilization will sink into a mere welter of minor excitements.
46396 We must provide a Great Age or see the collapse of the upward
46397 striving of the human race"
46398 -- Alfred North Whitehead
46400 There is no comfort without pain; thus
46401 we define salvation through suffering.
46404 There is no cure for birth and death other than to enjoy the interval.
46405 -- George Santayana
46407 There is no delight the equal of dread.
46408 As long as it is somebody else's.
46411 There is no distinction between any AI program and some existent game.
46413 There is no distinctly native American criminal class except Congress.
46416 There is no doubt that my lawyer is honest. For example, when he
46417 filed his income tax return last year, he declared half of his salary
46418 as 'unearned income.'
46421 There is no education that is not political. An apolitical
46422 education is also political because it is purposely isolating.
46424 There is no Father Christmas. It's just a marketing ploy to make low income
46425 parents' lives a misery. ... I want you to picture the trusting face of a
46426 child, streaked with tears because of what you just said. I want you to
46427 picture the face of its mother, because one week's dole won't pay for one
46428 Master of the Universe Battlecruiser!
46429 -- Filthy Rich and Catflap
46431 There is no fear in love; but perfect love casteth out fear.
46433 There is no fool to the old fool.
46436 There is no future in time travel.
46438 There is no grief which time does not lessen and soften.
46440 There is no hunting like the hunting of man, and those who have hunted
46441 armed men long enough and liked it, never care for anything else thereafter.
46442 -- Ernest Hemingway
46444 There is no likelihood man can ever tap the power of the atom.
46445 -- Robert Millikan, Nobel Prize in Physics, 1923
46447 There is no ox so dumb as the orthodox.
46448 -- George Francis Gillette
46450 There is no point in waiting.
46451 The train stopped running years ago.
46452 All the schedules, the brochures,
46453 The bright-colored posters full of lies,
46454 Promise rides to a distant country
46455 That no longer exists.
46457 There is no proverb that is not true.
46460 There is no realizable power that man cannot, in time, fashion the tools
46461 to attain, nor any power so secure that the naked ape will not abuse it.
46462 So it is written in the genetic cards -- only physics and war hold him in
46463 check. And also the wife who wants him home by five, of course.
46464 -- Encyclopadia Apocryphia, 1990 ed.
46466 There is no royal road to geometry.
46469 There is no sadder sight than a young pessimist.
46471 There is no satisfaction in hanging a man who does not object to it.
46474 There is no security on this earth. There is only opportunity.
46475 -- General Douglas MacArthur
46477 There is no sin but ignorance.
46478 -- Christopher Marlowe
46480 There is no sincerer love than the love of food.
46481 -- George Bernard Shaw
46483 There is no statute of limitations on stupidity.
46485 There is no substitute for good manners, except, perhaps, fast reflexes.
46487 There *is* no such thing as a civil engineer.
46489 There is no such thing as a free lunch.
46491 There is no such thing as a problem without a gift for you in its hands.
46493 There is no such thing as an ugly woman -- there are only
46494 the ones who do not know how to make themselves attractive.
46497 There is no such thing as inner peace. There is only nervousness or death.
46498 Any attempt to prove otherwise constitutes unacceptable behaviour.
46499 -- Fran Lebowitz, "Metropolitan Life"
46501 There is no such thing as pure pleasure;
46502 some anxiety always goes with it.
46504 There is no time like the pleasant.
46506 There is no time like the present
46507 for postponing what you ought to be doing.
46509 There is not a man in the country that can't make a living for himself and
46510 family. But he can't make a living for them *and* his government, too,
46511 the way his government is living. What the government has got to do is
46512 live as cheap as the people.
46513 -- The Best of Will Rogers
46515 There is not much to choose between a woman who deceives
46516 us for another, and a woman who deceives another for ourselves.
46519 There is not opinion so absurd that some philosopher will not express it.
46520 -- Marcus Tullius Cicero, "Ad familiares"
46522 There is nothing more exhilarating than to be shot at without result.
46525 There is nothing more silly than a silly laugh.
46526 -- Gaius Valerius Catullus
46528 There is nothing new except what has been forgotten.
46529 -- Marie Antoinette
46531 There is nothing so easy but that it becomes difficult
46532 when you do it reluctantly.
46533 -- Publius Terentius Afer (Terence)
46535 There is nothing stranger in a strange land than the stranger who
46538 There is nothing which cannot be answered by means of my doctrine," said
46539 a monk, coming into a teahouse where Nasrudin sat.
46540 "And yet just a short time ago, I was challenged by a scholar with
46541 an unanswerable question," said Nasrudin.
46542 "I could have answered it if I had been there."
46543 "Very well. He asked, 'Why are you breaking into my house in
46544 the middle of the night?'"
46546 There is nothing wrong with abstinence, in moderation.
46548 There is nothing wrong with writing ... as long as it
46549 is done in private and you wash your hands afterward.
46551 There is one difference between a tax collector and
46552 a taxidermist -- the taxidermist leaves the hide.
46555 There is one way to find out if a man is honest -- ask him. If he says
46556 "Yes" you know he is crooked.
46559 There is only one thing in the world worse than being
46560 talked about, and that is not being talked about.
46563 There is only one way to be happy by means of the heart -- to have none.
46566 There is only one way to console a widow. But remember the risk.
46569 There is only one way to kill capitalism --
46570 by taxes, taxes, and more taxes.
46573 There is only one word for aid that is genuinely without strings,
46574 and that word is blackmail.
46577 There is perhaps in every thing of any consequence, secret history, which
46578 it would be amusing to know, could we have it authentically communicated.
46581 There is something fascinating about science. One gets such wholesale
46582 returns of conjecture out of such a trifling investment of fact.
46585 There is something in the pang of change
46586 More than the heart can bear,
46587 Unhappiness remembering happiness.
46590 There is very little future in being right when your boss is wrong.
46592 There isn't room enough in this dress for both of us!
46594 There may be said to be two classes of people in the world; those who
46595 constantly divide the people of the world into two classes and those
46599 There must be at least 500,000,000 rats in the United
46600 States; of course, I never heard the story before.
46602 There must be more to life than having everything.
46605 There never was a good war or a bad peace.
46608 There once was a king who ruled his country long, wisely, and well. The
46609 king had a son whom he hoped would someday rule the land. He also wished
46610 in his heart that the son ould be wise and compassionate. One day he said
46612 "If you promised that you would give a certain women anything, even
46613 half of your kingdom, and then she demanded the life of your best friend,
46614 what would your decision be, my son?"
46615 The young prince thought for a moment and then said, "I would tell
46616 her that she was my best friend, and cut her head off."
46617 The king knew that his son would be a great king.
46619 There once was a king who ruled his country long, wisely, and well. The
46620 king had a son whom he hoped would someday rule the land. He also wished
46621 in his heart that the son ould be wise and compassionate. One day he said
46623 "If you promised that you would give a certain women anything, even
46624 half of your kingdom, and then she demanded the life of your best friend,
46625 what would your decision be, my son?"
46626 The young prince thought for a moment and then said, "I would tell
46627 her that the life of my best friend did not lie in the half of the kingdom
46628 that I had promised."
46629 The king knew that his son would be a great king.
46631 There seems no plan because it is all plan.
46634 There was a boy called Eustace Clarence Scrubb, and he almost deserved it."
46635 -- C.S. Lewis, "The Chronicles of Narnia"
46637 There was a little girl
46638 Who had a little curl
46639 Right in the middle of her forehead.
46640 When she was good, she was very, very good
46641 And when she was bad, she was very, very popular.
46642 -- Max Miller, "The Max Miller Blue Book"
46644 There was a man who enjoyed playing golf, and could occasionally put up
46645 with taking in a round with his wife. One time (with his wife along) he
46646 was having an extremely bad round. On the 12th hole, he sliced a drive
46647 over by a grounds-keepers' shack. Although he did not have a clear shot
46648 to the green, his wife noticed that there were two doors on the shack,
46649 and there was a possibility that, if both doors were opened, he might be
46650 able to hit through. Without hesitation, he instructed his wife to go
46651 around to the other side and open the far door. Sure enough, this gave
46652 him a clear path to the green. He stepped up to his ball and prepared
46653 to hit. His wife had been standing by the far door waiting for him to
46654 hit through. After a moment, she became curious and stuck her head in
46655 the doorway, to see what he was doing. At that exact moment, the husband
46656 cracked a three-wood that hit his wife square on the forehead, killing
46657 her instantly. A few weeks later, the man was playing a round at the same
46658 course, this time with a friend of his. Once again on the 12th hole, he
46659 sliced his drive to the shack. His friend suggested that he might be able
46660 to hit through, if he was to open both doors.
46661 "Nah", replied the man, "Last time I did that I took a 7".
46663 There was a phone call for you.
46665 There was a plane crash over mid-ocean, and only three survivors were
46666 left in the life-raft: the Pope, the President, and Mayor Daley.
46667 Unfortunately, it was a one-man life-raft, and quickly sinking, so
46668 they started debating who should be allowed to stay. The Pope pointed
46669 out that he was the spiritual leader of millions all over the world,
46670 the President explained that if he died then America would be stuck
46671 with the Vice-President, and so forth. Then Mayor Daley said, "Look!
46672 We're not solving anything like this! The only fair thing to do is
46673 to vote on it." So they did, and Mayor Daley won by 97 votes.
46675 There was a writer in 'Life' magazine ... who claimed that rabbits have
46676 no memory, which is one of their defensive mechanisms. If they recalled
46677 every close shave they had in the course of just an hour life would become
46681 There was a young man from Brazil,
46682 And a lady who'd not take the pill,
46683 They lay on the sofa,
46684 And a
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46688 There was a young man from LeDoux,
46689 Whose limericks stopped at line two.
46691 There was a young man from Verdunne.
46693 [Actually, there are three limericks in this series, the third one
46694 is about some guy named Nero. If anyone has a copy of it, please
46695 mail it to "fortune". Ed.]
46697 There was an old Indian belief that by making love on the hide of
46698 their favorite animal, one could guarantee the health and prosperity
46699 of the offspring conceived thereupon. And so it goes that one Indian
46700 couple made love on a buffalo hide. Nine months later, they were
46701 blessed with a healthy baby son. Yet another couple huddled together
46702 on the hide of a deer and they too were blessed with a very healthy
46703 baby son. But a third couple, whose favorite animal was a hippopotamus,
46704 were blessed with not one, but TWO very healthy baby sons at the conclusion
46705 of the nine month interval. All of which proves the old theorem that:
46706 The sons of the squaw of the hippopotamus are equal to the sons of
46707 the squaws of the other two hides.
46709 There was, it appeared, a mysterious rite of initiation through which,
46710 in one way or another, almost every member of the team passed. The term
46711 that the old hands used for this rite -- West invented the term, not the
46712 practice -- was `signing up.' By signing up for the project you agreed
46713 to do whatever was necessary for success. You agreed to forsake, if
46714 necessary, family, hobbies, and friends -- if you had any of these left
46715 (and you might not, if you had signed up too many times before).
46716 -- Tracy Kidder, "The Soul of a New Machine"
46718 There was this New Yorker that had a lifelong ambition to be an Texan.
46719 Fortunately, he had an Texan friend and went to him for advice. "Mike,
46720 you know I've always wanted to be a Texan. You're a *real* Texan, what
46722 "Well," answered Mike, "The first thing you've got to do is look
46723 like a Texan. That means you have to dress right. The second thing
46724 you've got to do is speak in a southern drawl."
46725 "Thanks, Mike, I'll give it a try," replied the New Yorker.
46726 A few weeks passed and the New Yorker saunters into a store dressed
46727 in a ten-gallon hat, cowboy boots, Levi jeans and a bandanna. "Hey, there,
46728 pardner, I'd like some beef, not too rare, and some of them fresh biscuits,"
46729 he tells the counterman.
46730 The guy behind the counter takes a long look at him and then says,
46731 "You must be from New York."
46732 The New Yorker blushes, and says, "Well, yes, I am. How did
46734 "Because this is a hardware store."
46736 There will always be beer cans rolling on the floor of your car when
46737 the boss asks for a lift home from office.
46739 There will always be beer cans rolling on the floor of your car when
46740 the boss asks for a lift home from the office.
46742 There will be big changes for you but you will be happy.
46744 There will be sex after death, we just won't be able to feel it.
46747 Therefore it is necessary to learn how not to be good, and to use
46748 this knowledge and not use it, according to the necessity of the cause.
46751 There's a couple of million dollars worth of baseball talent on the loose,
46752 ready for the big leagues, yet unsigned by any major league. There are
46753 pitchers who would win 20 games a season ... and outfielders [who] could
46754 hit .350, infielders who could win recognition as stars, and there's at
46755 least one catcher who at this writing is probably superior to Bill Dickey,
46756 Josh Gibson. Only one thing is keeping them out of the big leagues, the
46757 pigmentation of their skin. They happen to be colored.
46758 -- Shirley Povich, 1941
46760 There's a fine line between courage and foolishness.
46761 Too bad it's not a fence.
46763 There's a lesson that I need to remember
46764 When everything is falling apart
46765 In life, just like in loving
46766 There's such a thing as trying to hard
46769 Like you don't need the money
46770 Love like you'll never get hurt
46772 Like nobody's watching
46773 It's gotta come from the heart
46774 If you want it to work.
46777 There's a lot to be said for not saying a lot.
46779 There's a man deeply in debt, see, and he takes the money he has left
46780 and goes to Monte Carlo to try to recoup at the roulette tables. Won a
46781 little, lost a lot, and was down to his last franc. Prayed for help.
46782 A voice whispered in his ear: "Le rouge..." Man looked around; nobody
46783 there. What the hell -- he puts his last franc on the red, and it won.
46784 The voice immediately said, "Encore le rouge..." Played red again, and
46785 it won again. The voice said, "Impair..." Played odd, and it won. Voice
46786 said, "Quinze..." so he put all the money on 15, and it won. This went
46787 on for hours, the voice telling him what to bet, and the man putting all
46788 his money on what the voice said, and winning. Finally when the voice
46789 spoke, the man protested that he'd won millions of dollars and wanted to
46790 quit. The voice was inexorable: "Douze..." The man put the money on 12,
46791 and 11 came up -- he had lost everything -- the voice murmured "Merde!!"
46793 There's a thrill in store for all for we're about to toast
46794 The corporation that we represent.
46795 We're here to cheer each pioneer and also proudly boast,
46796 Of that man of men our sterling president
46797 The name of T.J. Watson means
46798 A courage none can stem
46799 And we feel honored to be here to toast the IBM.
46800 -- Ever Onward, from the 1940 IBM Songbook
46802 There's a trick to the Graceful Exit. It begins with the vision to
46803 recognize when a job, a life stage, a relationship is over -- and to
46804 let go. It means leaving what's over without denying its validity
46805 or its past importance in our lives. It involves a sense of future,
46806 a belief that every exit line is an entry, that we are moving on,
46807 rather than out. The trick of retiring well may be the trick of
46808 living well. It's hard to recognize that life isn't a holding
46809 action, but a process. It's hard to learn that we don't leave the
46810 best parts of ourselves behind, back in the dugout or the office.
46811 We own what we learned back there. The experiences and the growth
46812 are grafted onto our lives. And when we exit, we can take ourselves
46813 along -- quite gracefully.
46816 There's a whole WORLD in a mud puddle!
46819 There's always free cheese in a mousetrap.
46821 There's an old proverb that says just about whatever you want it to.
46823 There's been no top authority saying what marijuana does to you.
46824 I really don't know that much about it. I tried it once but it
46825 didn't do anything to me.
46828 There's got to be more to life than compile-and-go.
46830 There's just something I don't like about Virginia; the state.
46832 There's little in taking or giving,
46833 There's little in water or wine:
46834 This living, this living, this living,
46835 Was never a project of mine.
46836 Oh, hard is the struggle, and sparse is
46837 The gain of the one at the top,
46838 For art is a form of catharsis,
46839 And love is a permanent flop,
46840 And work is the province of cattle,
46841 And rest's for a clam in a shell,
46842 So I'm thinking of throwing the battle --
46843 Would you kindly direct me to hell?
46846 There's no future in time travel.
46848 There's no heavier burden than a great potential.
46850 There's no justice in this world.
46851 -- Frank Costello, on the prosecution of "Lucky" Luciano by
46852 New York district attorney Thomas Dewey after Luciano had
46853 saved Dewey from assassination by Dutch Schultz (by ordering
46854 the assassination of Schultz instead)
46856 There's no point in being grown up if you can't be childish sometimes.
46859 There's no room in the drug world for amateurs.
46862 There's no saint like a reformed sinner.
46864 There's no sense in being precise when you don't even know
46865 what you're talking about.
46866 -- John von Neumann
46868 There's no such thing as a free lunch.
46869 -- Milton Friendman
46871 There's no such thing as an original sin.
46874 There's no such thing as pure pleasure; some anxiety always goes with it.
46876 There's no time like the pleasant.
46878 There's no trick to being a humorist when you have the whole government
46882 There's no use being precise about something
46883 when you don't even know what you're talking about.
46884 -- John von Neumann
46886 There's no use in having a dog and doing your own barking.
46888 There's nothing in the middle of the road but yellow stripes and dead
46890 -- Jim Hightower, Texas Agricultural Commissioner
46892 There's nothing like a girl with a plunging
46893 neckline to keep a man on his toes.
46895 There's nothing like a good does of another woman to make a man appreciate
46897 -- Clare Booth Luce
46899 There's nothing like good food, good wine, and a bad girl.
46901 There's nothing like the face of a kid eating a Hershey bar.
46903 There's nothing remarkable about it. All one has to do is hit the right
46904 keys at the right time and the instrument plays itself.
46907 There's nothing to writing. All you do is sit at a typewriter
46911 There's nothing very mysterious about you, except that
46912 nobody really knows your origin, purpose, or destination.
46914 There's nothing worse for your business than
46915 extra Santa Clauses smoking in the men's room.
46918 There's nothing wrong with teenagers that
46919 reasoning with them won't aggravate.
46921 There's one consolation about matrimony. When you look around you can
46922 always see somebody who did worse.
46923 -- Warren H. Goldsmith
46925 There's one fool at least in every married couple.
46927 There's only one everything.
46929 There's only one way to have a happy marriage
46930 and as soon as I learn what it is I'll get married again.
46933 There's small choice in rotten apples.
46934 -- William Shakespeare, "The Taming of the Shrew"
46936 There's so much plastic in this culture that
46937 vinyl leopard skin is becoming an endangered synthetic.
46940 There's so much to say but your eyes keep interrupting me.
46942 There's something different about us -- different from people of Europe,
46943 Africa, Asia ... a deep and abiding belief in the Easter Bunny.
46946 There's something the technicians need to learn from the artists.
46947 If it isn't aesthetically pleasing, it's probably wrong.
46949 There's such a thing as too much point on a pencil.
46950 -- H. Allen Smith, "Let the Crabgrass Grow"
46952 There's too much beauty upon this earth for lonely men to bear.
46953 -- Richard Le Gallienne
46955 These activities have their own rules and methods
46956 of concealment which seek to mislead and obscure.
46957 -- Dwight D. Eisenhower, 1960
46959 These days the necessities of life cost you about three times what
46960 they used to, and half the time they aren't even fit to drink.
46962 They also serve who only stand and wait.
46965 They also surf who only stand on waves.
46967 They are called computers simply because computation is
46968 the only significant job that has so far been given to them.
46970 They are cold-blooded. They are completely ruthless about protecting
46971 what they have. The only thing they connect to is the money aspect of
46972 life. Let's face it: That's the American way.
46973 -- Jeffery M. Johnson, regional chairman of the District
46974 of Columbia United Way, speaking of drug dealers.
46976 They are ill discoverers that think there is no land,
46977 when they can see nothing but sea.
46980 They are relatively good but absolutely terrible.
46981 -- Alan Kay, commenting on Apollos
46983 They call them "squares" because it's the
46984 most complicated shape they can deal with.
46986 They can't stop us... we're on a mission from God!
46987 -- The Blues Brothers
46989 They couldn't hit an elephant at this dist...
46990 -- Civil War General John Sedgwick, his last
46991 words, Battle of Spotsylvania Court House, 1864
46993 They [District Attorneys] learn in District Attorney School that there
46994 are two sure-fire ways to get a lot of favorable publicity:
46996 (1) Go down and raid all the lockers in the local high school and confiscate
46997 53 marijuana cigarettes and put them in a pile and hold a press
46998 conference where you announce that they have a street value of $850
46999 million. These raids never fail, because ALL high schools, including
47000 brand-new, never-used ones, have at least 53 marijuana cigarettes in
47001 the lockers. As far as anyone can tell, the locker factory puts them
47003 (2) Raid an "adult book store" and hold a press conference where you announce
47004 you are charging the owner with 850 counts of being a piece of human
47005 sleaze. This also never fails, because you always get a conviction.
47006 A juror at a pornography trial is not about to state for the record
47007 that he finds nothing obscene about a movie where actors engage in
47008 sexual activities with live snakes and a fire extinguisher. He is
47009 going to convict the bookstore owner, and vote for the death penalty
47010 just to make sure nobody gets the wrong impression.
47011 -- Dave Barry, "Pornography"
47013 They don't know how the world is shaped. And so they give it a shape, and
47014 try to make everything fit it. They separate the right from the left, the
47015 man from the woman, the plant from the animal, the sun from the moon. They
47016 only want to count to two.
47017 -- Emma Bull, "Bone Dance"
47019 They don't suffer. They can't even speak English.
47020 -- George F. Baer, answering a reporter's
47021 question about the suffering of starving miners.
47023 They finally got King Midas, I hear. Gild by association.
47025 They have been at a great feast of languages, and stolen the scraps.
47026 -- William Shakespeare, "Love's Labour's Lost"
47028 They just buzzed and buzzed...buzzed.
47030 They say it's the responsibility of the media to look at government --
47031 especially the president -- with a microscope. I don't argue with that,
47032 but when they use a proctoscope, it's going too far.
47035 They seem to have learned the habit of cowering before authority even when
47036 not actually threatened. How very nice for authority. I decided not to
47037 learn this particular lesson.
47038 -- Richard Stallman
47040 They sentenced me to twenty years of boredom for trying to change the
47041 system from within. I'm coming now I'm coming to reward them. First
47042 we take Manhattan, then we take Berlin.
47044 I'm guided by a signal in the heavens. I'm guided by this birthmark on
47045 my skin. I'm guided by the beauty of our weapons. First we take Manhattan,
47046 then we take Berlin.
47048 I'd really like to live beside you, baby. I love your body and your spirit
47049 and your clothes. But you see that line there moving throug the station?
47050 I told you I told you I told you I was one of those.
47051 -- Leonard Cohen, "First We Take Manhattan"
47053 They spell it Vinci and pronounce it Vinchy.
47054 Foreigners always spell better than they pronounce.
47057 They told me you had proven it When they discovered our results
47058 About a month before. Their hair began to curl
47059 The proof was valid, more or less Instead of understanding it
47060 But rather less than more. We'd run the thing through PRL.
47062 He sent them word that we would try Don't tell a soul about all this
47063 To pass where they had failed For it must ever be
47064 And after we were done, to them A secret, kept from all the rest
47065 The new proof would be mailed. Between yourself and me.
47067 My notion was to start again
47068 Ignoring all they'd done
47069 We quickly turned it into code
47070 To see if it would run.
47072 They told me you had proven it
47073 About a month before.
47074 The proof was valid, more or less He sent them word that we would try
47075 But rather less than more. To pass where they had failed
47076 And after we were done, to them
47077 The new proof would be mailed.
47078 My notion was to start again
47079 Ignoring all they'd done
47080 We quickly turned it into code When they discovered our results
47081 To see if it would run. Their hair began to curl
47082 Instead of understanding it
47083 We'd run the thing through PRL.
47084 Don't tell a soul about all this
47085 For it must ever be
47086 A secret, kept from all the rest
47087 Between yourself and me.
47089 They took some of the Van Goghs, most
47090 of the jewels, and all of the Chivas!
47092 They Tore Out My Heart and Stomped That Sucker Flat
47093 -- Book title by Lewis Grizzard
47095 They use different words for things in America.
47096 For instance they say elevator and we say lift.
47097 They say drapes and we say curtains.
47098 They say president and we say brain damaged git.
47101 They went rushing down that freeway,
47102 Messed around and got lost.
47103 They didn't care... they were just dying to get off,
47104 And it was life in the fast lane.
47105 -- Eagles, "Life in the Fast Lane"
47107 They will only cause the lower classes to move about needlessly.
47108 -- The Duke of Wellington, on early steam railroads.
47110 They wouldn't listen to the fact that I was a genius,
47111 The man said "We got all that we can use",
47112 So I've got those steadily-depressin', low-down, mind-messin',
47113 Working-at-the-car-wash blues.
47116 They're an insidious bunch, your killer pianos. Had one get loose on me
47117 back in '62. It slipped out of the cables while we were lowering it out
47118 of its twelfth story apartment, and crushed six innocents in an insane bid
47122 They're giving bank robbing a bad name.
47123 -- John Dillinger, on Bonnie and Clyde
47125 They're just jealous because they don't have three
47126 wise men and a virgin in the whole organization.
47127 -- Mayor Vincent J. `Buddy' Cianci, on the
47128 ACLU's suit to have a city nativity scene removed.
47130 They're only trying to make me LOOK paranoid!
47132 Thieves respect property; they merely wish the property to become
47133 their property that they may more perfectly respect it.
47134 -- G.K. Chesterton, "The Man Who Was Thursday"
47136 Things are more like they are today than they ever were before.
47137 -- Dwight Eisenhower
47139 Things are more like they used to be than they are new.
47141 Things are not always what they seem.
47144 Things equal to nothing else are equal to each other.
47146 Things fall apart; the centre cannot hold.
47148 Things past redress and now with me past care.
47149 -- William Shakespeare, "Richard II"
47151 Things will be bright in P.M.
47152 A cop will shine a light in your face.
47154 Things will get better despite our efforts to improve them.
47157 Things worth having are worth cheating for.
47160 Pollute the Mississippi.
47162 Think honk if you're a telepath.
47164 Think lucky. If you fall in a pond, check your pockets for fish.
47167 Think of it! With VLSI we can pack 100 ENIACs in 1 sq. cm.!
47169 Think of your family tonight.
47170 Try to crawl home after the computer crashes.
47175 Think twice before speaking, but don't say "think think click click".
47177 Thinking you know something is a sure way to blind yourself.
47178 -- Frank Herbert, "Chapterhouse: Dune"
47180 Thinks't thou existence doth depend on time?
47181 It doth; but actions are our epochs; mine
47182 Have made my days and nights imperishable,
47183 Endless, and all alike, as sands on the shore,
47184 Innumerable atoms; and one desert,
47185 Barren and cold, on which the wild waves break,
47186 But nothing rests, save carcasses and wrecks,
47187 Rocks, and the salt-surf weeds of bitterness.
47189 Thirteen at a table is unlucky only
47190 when the hostess has only twelve chops.
47193 Thirty white horses on a red hill,
47196 Then they stand still.
47199 This ae nighte, this ae nighte,
47200 Everye nighte and alle,
47201 Fire and sleet and candlelyte,
47202 And Christe receive thy saule.
47203 -- The Lykewake Dirge
47205 This "brain-damaged" epithet is getting sorely overworked. When we can
47206 speak of someone or something being flawed, impaired, marred, spoiled;
47207 batty, bedlamite, bonkers, buggy, cracked, crazed, cuckoo, daft, demented,
47208 deranged, loco, lunatic, mad, maniac, mindless, non compos mentis, nuts,
47209 Reaganite, screwy, teched, unbalanced, unsound, witless, wrong; senseless,
47210 spastic, spasmodic, convulsive; doped, spaced-out, stoned, zonked; {beef,
47211 beetle,block,dung,thick}headed, dense, doltish, dull, duncical, numskulled,
47212 pinhead; asinine, fatuous, foolish, silly, simple; brute, lumbering, oafish;
47213 half-assed, incompetent; backward, retarded, imbecilic, moronic; when we have
47214 a whole precisely nuanced vocabulary of intellectual abuse to draw upon,
47215 individually and in combination, isn't it a little <fill in the blank> to be
47216 limited to a single, now quite trite, adjective?
47218 This door is baroquen, please wiggle Handel.
47219 (If I wiggle Handel, will it wiggle Bach?)
47220 -- Found on a door in the MSU music building
47222 This dungeon is owned and operated by Frobazz Magic Co., Ltd.
47224 This file will self-destruct in five minutes.
47226 This fortune cookie program out of order. For those in desperate
47227 need, please use the program "randchar". This program generates
47228 random characters, and, given enough time, will undoubtedly come
47229 up with something profound. It will, however, take it no time at
47230 all to be more profound than THIS program has ever been.
47232 This fortune intentionally not included.
47234 This fortune intentionally says nothing.
47236 This fortune is dedicated to your mother, without whose
47237 invaluable assistance last night would never have been possible.
47239 This fortune is encrypted -- get your decoder rings ready!
47241 This fortune is inoperative. Please try another.
47243 This fortune soaks up 47 times its own weight in excess memory.
47245 This fortune was brought to you by the people at Hewlett-Packard.
47247 This fortune would be seven words long if it were six words shorter.
47249 This generation doesn't have emotional baggage.
47250 We have emotional moving vans.
47253 This guy runs into his house and yells to his wife, "Kathy, pack up your
47254 bags! I just won the California lottery!"
47255 "Honey!", Kathy exclaims, "Shall I pack for warm weather or cold?"
47256 "I don't care," responds the husband. "just so long as you're out
47257 of the house by dinner!"
47259 This is a country where people are free to practice their religion,
47260 regardless of race, creed, color, obesity, or number of dangling keys...
47262 This is a good time to punt work.
47264 This is a test of the emergency broadcast system.
47265 Had there been an actual emergency, then you would no longer be here.
47267 This is Betty Frenel. I don't know who to call but I can't reach my
47268 Food-a-holics partner. I'm at Vido's on my second pizza with sausage
47269 and mushroom. Jim, come and get me!
47271 This is clearly another case of too many mad scientists,
47272 and not enough hunchbacks.
47274 This is for all ill-treated fellows
47275 Unborn and unbegot,
47276 For them to read when they're in trouble
47280 This is Jim Rockford.
47281 At the tone leave your name and message; I'll get back to you.
\a
47283 This is Maria, Liberty Bail Bonds. Your client, Todd Lieman, skipped and
47284 his bail is forfeit. That's the pink slip on your '74 Firebird, I believe.
47285 Sorry, Jim, bring it on over.
47287 This is Marilyn Reed, I wanta talk to you... Is this a machine?
47288 I don't talk to machines! [Click]
47290 This is National Non-Dairy Creamer Week.
47292 This is NOT a repeat.
47294 This is not the age of pamphleteers. It is the age of the engineers. The
47295 spark-gap is mightier than the pen. Democracy will not be salvaged by men
47296 who talk fluently, debate forcefully and quote aptly.
47297 -- Lancelot Hogben, Science for the Citizen, 1938
47299 This is supposed to be a happy occasion.
47300 Let's not BICKER and ARGUE over who killed who!
47302 This is the Baron. Angel Martin tells me you buy information. Ok,
47303 meet me at one a.m. behind the bus depot, bring five-hundred dollars
47304 and come alone. I'm serious!
47306 This is the first age that's paid much attention to the future,
47307 which is a little ironic since we may not have one.
47310 This is the first numerical problem I ever did. It demonstrates the
47311 power of computers:
47313 Enter lots of data on calorie & nutritive content of foods. Instruct the
47314 thing to maximize a function describing nutritive content, with a minimum
47315 level of each component, for fixed caloric content. The results are that
47316 one should eat each day:
47320 1 glass of skim milk
47321 27 heads of lettuce.
47322 -- Rev. Adrian Melott
47324 This is the sort of English up with which I will not put.
47325 -- Winston Churchill
47327 This is the theory that Jack built.
47328 This is the flaw that lay in the theory that Jack built.
47329 This is the palpable verbal haze that hid the flaw that lay in...
47331 This is the tomorrow you worried about yesterday.
47332 And now you know why.
47334 This is the way the world ends,
47335 This is the way the world ends,
47336 This is the way the world ends,
47337 Not with a bang but with a whimper.
47338 -- T.S. Eliot, "The Hollow Men"
47340 This isn't right. This isn't even wrong.
47341 -- Wolfgang Pauli, on a colleague's paper
47343 This isn't true in practice -- what we've missed out is Stradivarius's
47344 constant. And then the aside: "For those of you who don't know, that's
47345 been called by others the fiddle factor..."
47346 -- From a 1B Electrical Engineering lecture.
47348 This land is my land, and only my land,
47349 I've got a shotgun, and you ain't got one,
47350 If you don't get off, I'll blow your head off,
47351 This land is private property.
47352 -- Apologies to Woody Guthrie
47354 This life is a test. It is only a test. Had this been an
47355 actual life, you would have received further instructions as
47356 to what to do and where to go.
47358 This life is yours. Some of it was given
47359 to you; the rest, you made yourself.
47361 This login session: $13.76, but for you $11.88.
47363 This login session: $13.99
47365 This must be morning. I never could get the hang of mornings.
47367 This night methinks is but the daylight sick.
47368 -- William Shakespeare, "The Merchant of Venice"
47370 This novel is not to be tossed lightly aside, but to be hurled with
47374 This one is for all you military types. For those who don't know, Rangers
47375 are *extremely* well trained members of the U.S. Army. Marines are people
47376 who start out as normal soldiers and then are made to believe that bullets
47377 don't actually hurt.
47378 One day a platoon of Marines are on patrol when they come upon a
47379 Ranger relaxing on top of a small hill. The Ranger puts his hands on his
47380 hips and screams out, "Do any of you seaweed sucking jarheads think you're
47381 man enough to take me on?"
47382 The biggest Marine comes running up the hill, screaming back at the
47383 Ranger. When he gets to the top he simply plows into his foe and the two
47384 tumble down the other side of the hill, out of sight. There is the sound of
47385 a horrendous fight for a moment or two, and then all is quiet. Soon, the
47386 Ranger reappears, quite untouched. He puts his hands on his hips and sneers,
47387 "Well, looks to me like one of you couldn't do it, how about the rest?"
47388 The enraged Marine platoon leader sends his entire platoon (30+men)
47389 charging after the Ranger. They all go tumbling down the far side of the hill.
47390 After 15 minutes of screaming and yelling and cursing a lone, bloodied Marine
47391 crawls over the top of the hill. The platoon leader yells up to his man,
47392 "What's going on up there?" The wounded Marine, with his last bit of breath,
47393 replies, "Sir, it's a... a trap, sir. They're two of them!"
47395 This place just isn't big enough for all of us. We've
47396 got to find a way off this planet.
47398 This planet has -- or rather had -- a problem, which was this: most of
47399 the people living on it were unhappy for pretty much of the time. Many
47400 solutions were suggested for this problem, but most of these were
47401 largely concerned with the movements of small green pieces of paper,
47402 which is odd because on the whole it wasn't the small green pieces of
47403 paper that were unhappy.
47406 This process can check if this value is zero, and if it is, it does
47407 something child-like.
47408 -- Forbes Burkowski, CS, University of Washington
47410 This product is meant for educational purposes only. Any resemblance to real
47411 persons, living or dead is purely coincidental. Void where prohibited. Some
47412 assembly may be required. Batteries not included. Contents may settle during
47413 shipment. Use only as directed. May be too intense for some viewers. If
47414 condition persists, consult your physician. No user-serviceable parts inside.
47415 Breaking seal constitutes acceptance of agreement. Not responsible for direct,
47416 indirect, incidental or consequential damages resulting from any defect, error
47417 or failure to perform. Slippery when wet. For office use only. Substantial
47418 penalty for early withdrawal. Do not write below this line. Your cancelled
47419 check is your receipt. Avoid contact with skin. Employees and their families
47420 are not eligible. Beware of dog. Driver does not carry cash. Limited time
47421 offer, call now to ensure prompt delivery. Use only in well-ventilated area.
47422 Keep away from fire or flame. Some equipment shown is optional. Price does
47423 not include taxes, dealer prep, or delivery. Penalty for private use. Call
47424 toll free before digging. Some of the trademarks mentioned in this product
47425 appear for identification purposes only. All models over 18 years of age. Do
47426 not use while operating a motor vehicle or heavy equipment. Postage will be
47427 paid by addressee. Apply only to affected area. One size fits all. Many
47428 suitcases look alike. Edited for television. No solicitors. Reproduction
47429 strictly prohibited. Restaurant package, not for resale. Objects in mirror
47430 are closer than they appear. Decision of judges is final. This supersedes
47431 all previous notices. No other warranty expressed or implied.
47433 This sad little lizard told me that he was a brontosaurus on his
47434 mother's side. I did not laugh; people who boast of ancestry
47435 often have little else to sustain them. Humoring them costs nothing and
47436 adds happiness in a world in which happiness is always in short supply.
47439 This screen intentionally left blank.
47441 This sentence does in fact not have the property it claims not to have.
47443 This sentence no verb.
47445 This system will self-destruct in five minutes.
47447 This thing all things devours:
47448 Birds, beasts, trees, flowers;
47449 Gnaws iron, bites steel;
47450 Grinds hard stones to meal;
47451 Slays king, ruins town,
47452 And beats high mountain down.
47454 This unit... must... survive.
47456 This universe shipped by weight, not by volume. Some expansion of the
47457 contents may have occurred during shipment.
47459 This was a Golden Age, a time of high adventure, rich living, and hard
47460 dying... but nobody thought so. This was a future of fortune and theft,
47461 pillage and rapine, culture and vice... but nobody admitted it.
47462 -- Alfred Bester, "The Stars My Destination"
47464 This was the most unkindest cut of all.
47465 -- William Shakespeare, "Julius Caesar"
47467 This wasn't just plain terrible, this was fancy terrible.
47468 This was terrible with raisins in it.
47471 This week only, all our fiber-fill jackets are marked down!
47473 This will be a memorable month -- no matter how hard you try to forget it.
47475 This yuppie, see, was in a car wreck. His BMW was mangled, and so was he.
47476 The paramedic was leaning over him getting his vitals, and all the yup
47477 could groan was "My BMW! My BMW!"
47478 The paramedic tried to quiet the man, pointing out that his car
47479 wasn't his chief concern at the moment, especially as he'd been rearranged
47480 pretty badly himself -- for example, his left arm was severed at the elbow
47481 and was lying about twenty feet away.
47482 There was a moment of stunned silence from the yup followed by
47483 "Oh no! My Rolex! My Rolex!"
47485 Those lovable Brits department:
47486 They also have trouble pronouncing `vitamin'.
47488 Those of you who think you know everything
47489 are annoying those of us who do.
47491 Those of you who think you know it all upset those of us who do.
47493 Those parts of the system that you can hit with a hammer (not advised)
47494 are called hardware; those program instructions that you can only curse
47495 at are called software.
47496 -- Levitating Trains and Kamikaze Genes: Technological
47497 Literacy for the 1990's.
47499 Those who are mentally and emotionally healthy are those who have
47500 learned when to say yes, when to say no and when to say whoopee.
47503 Those who believe in astrology are living in houses with foundations of
47507 Those who can, do; those who can't, simulate.
47509 Those who can, do; those who can't, write.
47510 Those who can't write work for the Bell Labs Record.
47512 Those who cannot remember the past are condemned to repeat it.
47513 -- George Santayana
47515 Those who can't write, write manuals.
47517 Those who claim the dead never return
47518 to life haven't ever been around here at quitting time.
47520 Those who do not do politics will be done in by politics.
47522 Those who do not understand Unix are condemned to reinvent it, poorly.
47525 Those who do things in a noble spirit of
47526 self-sacrifice are to be avoided at all costs.
47529 Those who educate children well are more to be honored than
47530 parents, for these only gave life, those the art of living well.
47533 Those who have had no share in the good fortunes of the mighty
47534 Often have a share in their misfortunes.
47535 -- Bertolt Brecht, "The Caucasian Chalk Circle"
47537 Those who have some means think that the most important thing in the
47538 world is love. The poor know that it is money.
47541 Those who in quarrels interpose, must often wipe a bloody nose.
47543 Those who make peaceful revolution impossible
47544 will make violent revolution inevitable.
47545 -- John Fitzgerald Kennedy
47547 Those who profess to favor freedom, and yet depreciate agitation, are
47548 men who want rain without thunder and lightning. They want the ocean
47549 without the roar of its many waters.
47550 -- Frederick Douglass
47552 Those who sweat in flames of hell, Leaden eared, some thought their bowels
47553 Here's the reason that they fell: Lispeth forth the sweetest vowels.
47554 While on earth they prayed in SAS, These they offered up in praise
47555 PL/1, or other crass, Thinking all this fetid haze
47556 Vulgar tongue. A rhapsody sung.
47558 Some the lord did sorely try Jabber of the mindless horde
47559 Assembling all their pleas in hex. Sequel next did mock the lord
47560 Speech as crabbed as devil's crable Slothful sequel so enfangled
47561 Hex that marked on Tower Babel Its speaker's lips became entangled
47562 The highest rung. In his bung.
47564 Because in life they prayed so ill
47565 And offered god such swinish swill
47566 Now they sweat in flames of hell
47567 Sweat from lack of APL
47570 Those who talk don't know. Those who don't talk, know.
47572 Thou hast seen nothing yet.
47573 -- Miguel de Cervantes
47575 Thou shalt not omit adultery.
47577 Though a program be but three lines long, someday it will have to
47579 -- The Tao of Programming
47581 Though I respect that a lot
47582 I'd be fired if that were my job
47583 After killing Jason off and
47584 Countless screaming argonauts
47586 Bluebird of friendliness
47587 Like guardian angels it's
47590 Blue canary in the outlet by the light switch
47591 Who watches over you
47592 Make a little birdhouse in your soul
47593 Not to put too fine a point on it
47594 Say I'm the only bee in your bonnet
47595 Make a little birdhouse in your soul
47597 -- "Birdhouse in your Soul", They Might Be Giants
47599 Thrashing is just virtual crashing.
47601 Three great scientific theories of the structure of the universe are
47602 the molecular, the corpuscular and the atomic. A fourth affirms, with
47603 Haeckel, the condensation or precipitation of matter from ether --
47604 whose existence is proved by the condensation or precipitation...
47605 A fifth theory is held by idiots, but it is doubtful if they know any
47606 more about the matter than the others.
47608 Three hours a day will produce as much as a man ought to write.
47611 Three may keep a secret, if two of them are dead.
47612 -- Benjamin Franklin
47614 Three Midwesterners, a Kansan, a Missourian and an Iowan,
47615 all appearing on a quiz program, were asked to complete this sentence:
47616 "Old MacDonald had a . . ."
47618 "Old MacDonald had a carburetor," answered the Kansan.
47619 "Sorry, that's wrong," the game show host said.
47620 "Old MacDonald had a free brake alignment down at the
47621 service station," said the Missourian.
47623 "Old MacDonald had a farm," said the Iowan.
47624 "CORRECT!" shouts the quizmaster. "Now for $100,000, spell 'farm.'"
47625 "Easy," said the Iowan. "E-I-E-I-O."
47627 Three minutes' thought would suffice to find this out; but thought
47628 is irksome and three minutes is a long time.
47631 Three o'clock in the afternoon is always just a little too
47632 late or a little too early for anything you want to do.
47633 -- Jean-Paul Sartre
47635 Three Rings for the Elven-kings under the sky,
47636 Seven for the Dwarf-lords in their halls of stone,
47637 Nine for Mortal Men doomed to die,
47638 One for the Dark Lord on his dark throne
47639 In the Land of Mordor where the Shadows lie.
47640 One Ring to rule them all, One Ring to find them,
47641 One Ring to bring them all and in the darkness bind them
47642 In the Land of Mordor where the Shadows lie.
47643 -- J.R.R. Tolkien, "The Lord of the Rings"
47645 Three rules for sounding like an expert:
47646 1. Oversimplify your explanations to the point of uselessness.
47647 2. Always point out second-order effects,
47648 but never point out when they can be ignored.
47649 3. Come up with three rules of your own.
47651 Throw away documentation and manuals,
47652 and users will be a hundred times happier.
47653 Throw away privileges and quotas,
47654 and users will do the Right Thing.
47655 Throw away proprietary and site licenses,
47656 and there won't be any pirating.
47658 If these three aren't enough,
47659 just stay at your home directory
47660 and let all processes take their course.
47662 Thus mathematics may be defined as the subject in which we never know
47663 what we are talking about, nor whether what we are saying is true.
47664 -- Bertrand Russell
47666 Thus spake the master programmer:
47667 "A well-written program is its own heaven; a poorly-written program
47669 -- Geoffrey James, "The Tao of Programming"
47671 Thus spake the master programmer:
47672 "After three days without programming, life becomes meaningless."
47673 -- Geoffrey James, "The Tao of Programming"
47675 Thus spake the master programmer:
47676 "Let the programmer be many and the managers few -- then all will
47678 -- Geoffrey James, "The Tao of Programming"
47680 Thus spake the master programmer:
47681 "Though a program be but three lines long, someday it will have to
47683 -- Geoffrey James, "The Tao of Programming"
47685 Thus spake the master programmer:
47686 "Time for you to leave."
47687 -- Geoffrey James, "The Tao of Programming"
47689 Thus spake the master programmer:
47690 "When program is being tested, it is too late to make design changes."
47691 -- Geoffrey James, "The Tao of Programming"
47693 Thus spake the master programmer:
47694 "When you have learned to snatch the error code from
47695 the trap frame, it will be time for you to leave."
47696 -- Geoffrey James, "The Tao of Programming"
47698 Thus spake the master programmer:
47699 "Without the wind, the grass does not move. Without software,
47700 hardware is useless."
47701 -- Geoffrey James, "The Tao of Programming"
47703 Thus spake the master programmer:
47704 "You can demonstrate a program for a corporate executive, but you
47705 can't make him computer literate."
47706 -- Geoffrey James, "The Tao of Programming"
47709 Everything goes wrong at once.
47711 Ticking away the moments that make up a dull day
47712 Fritter and waste the hours in an offhand way
47713 Kicking around on a piece of ground in your hometown
47714 Waiting for someone or something to show you the way
47716 Tired of lying in the sunshine And then one day you find
47717 Staying home to watch the rain Ten years have got behind you
47718 You are young and life is long No one told you when to run
47719 And there is time to kill today You missed the starting gun
47721 And you run and you run to catch up with the sun but it's sinking
47722 And racing around to come up behind you again
47723 The sun is the same in a relative way but you're older
47724 Shorter of breath and one day closer to death
47726 Every year is getting shorter Hanging on in quiet desperation
47728 Never seem to find the time The time is gone, the song is over
47729 Plans that either come to nought Thought I'd something more to say...
47730 Or half a page of scribbled lines
47731 -- Pink Floyd, "Time"
47735 Quite unaccountably
47745 Man got to sit and wonder, "Why, why, why?"
47747 Tiger got to sleep,
47749 Man got to tell himself he understand.
47750 -- The Books of Bokonon
47752 Time and tide wait for no man.
47754 Time as he grows old teaches all things.
47757 Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana.
47759 Time goes, you say?
47761 Time stays, *we* go.
47764 Time is a great teacher, but unfortunately it kills all its pupils.
47767 Time is an illusion; lunch-time doubly so.
47770 Time is an illusion, lunchtime doubly so.
47771 -- The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy
47773 Time is an illusion perpetrated by the manufacturers of space.
47775 Time is but the stream I go a-fishing in.
47776 -- Henry David Thoreau
47778 Time is nature's way of making sure that
47779 everything doesn't happen at once.
47781 Space is nature's way of making sure that
47782 everything doesn't happen to you.
47784 Time is the most valuable thing a man can spend.
47787 Time sharing: The use of many people by the computer.
47789 Time sure flies when you don't know what you're doing.
47791 Time to be aggressive. Go after a tattooed Virgo.
47793 Time to take stock.
47794 Go home with some office supplies.
47797 Love's wounds unseen.
47798 That's what someone told me;
47799 But I don't know what it means.
47800 -- Linda Ronstadt, "Long Long Time"
47802 Time will end all my troubles,
47803 but I don't always approve of Time's methods.
47805 Time-sharing is the junk-mail part of the computer business.
47806 -- H.R.J. Grosch (attributed)
47809 An access method whereby one computer abuses many people.
47811 Timing must be perfect now.
47812 Two-timing must be better than perfect.
47815 Never fry bacon in the nude.
47817 Tip O'Neill is just like Congress; old, fat and out of control.
47820 Tip the world over on its side and
47821 everything loose will land in Los Angeles.
47822 -- Frank Lloyd Wright
47824 TIPS FOR PERFORMERS:
47825 Playing cards have the top half upside-down to help cheaters.
47826 There are a finite number of jokes in the universe.
47827 Singing is a trick to get people to listen to music longer than
47828 they would ordinarily.
47829 There is no music in space.
47830 People will pay to watch people make sounds.
47831 Everything on stage should be larger than in real life.
47833 TIRED of calculating components of vectors? Displacements along direction of
47834 force getting you down? Well, now there's help. Try amazing "Dot-Product",
47835 the fast, easy way many professionals have used for years and is now available
47836 to YOU through this special offer. Three out of five engineering consultants
47837 recommend "Dot-Product" for their clients who use vector products. Mr.
47838 Gumbinowitz, mechanical engineer, in a hidden-camera interview...
47839 "Dot-Product really works! Calculating Z-axis force components has
47840 never been easier."
47841 Yes, you too can take advantage of the amazing properties of Dot-Product. Use
47842 it to calculate forces, velocities, displacements, and virtually any vector
47843 components. How much would you pay for it? But wait, it also calculates the
47844 work done in Joules, Ergs, and, yes, even BTU's. Divide Dot-Product by the
47845 magnitude of the vectors and it becomes an instant angle calculator! Now, how
47846 much would you pay? All this can be yours for the low, low price of $19.95!!
47847 But that's not all! If you order before midnight, you'll also get "Famous
47848 Numbers of Famous People" as a bonus gift, absolutely free! Yes, you'll get
47849 Avogadro's number, Planck's, Euler's, Boltzmann's, and many, many, more!!
47850 Call 1-800-DOT-6000. Operators are standing by. That number again...
47851 1-800-DOT-6000. Supplies are limited, so act now. This offer is not
47852 available through stores and is void where prohibited by law.
47854 Tis man's perdition to be safe, when for the truth he ought to die.
47856 'Tis more blessed to give than receive; for example, wedding presents.
47859 To a Californian, a person must prove himself criminally insane before he
47860 is allowed to drive a taxi in New York. For New York cabbies, honesty and
47861 stopping at red lights are both optional.
47862 -- From "East vs. West: The War Between the Coasts
47864 To a Californian, all New Yorkers are cold; even in heat they rarely go
47865 above fifty-eight degrees. If you collapse on a street in New York, plan
47866 to spend a few days there.
47867 -- From "East vs. West: The War Between the Coasts
47869 To a Californian, the basic difference between the people and the pigeons
47870 in New York is that the pigeons don't shit on each other.
47871 -- From "East vs. West: The War Between the Coasts
47873 To a New Yorker, all Californians are blond, even the blacks. There are,
47874 in fact, whole neighborhoods that are zoned only for blond people. The
47875 only way to tell the difference between California and Sweden is that the
47876 Swedes speak better English."
47877 -- From "East vs. West: The War Between the Coasts
47879 To a New Yorker, the only California houses on the market for less than
47880 a million dollars are those on fire. These generally go for six hundred
47882 -- From "East vs. West: The War Between the Coasts
47884 To accuse others for one's own misfortunes is a sign of want of education.
47885 To accuse oneself shows that one's education has begun. To accuse neither
47886 oneself nor others shows that one's education is complete.
47889 To add insult to injury.
47892 To any truly impartial person, it would
47893 be obvious that I am always right.
47895 To avoid criticism, do nothing, say nothing, be nothing.
47898 To be a kind of moral Unix, he touched the hem of Nature's shift.
47901 To be beautiful is enough! if a woman can do that well who
47902 should demand more from her? You don't want a rose to sing.
47905 To be considered successful, a woman must be much better at her job
47906 than a man would have to be. Fortunately, this isn't difficult.
47908 To be excellent when engaged in administration is to be like the North
47909 Star. As it remains in its one position, all the other stars surround it.
47912 To be great is to be misunderstood.
47913 -- Ralph Waldo Emerson
47915 To be happy one must be a) well fed, unhounded by sordid cares, at ease in
47916 Zion, b) full of a comfortable feeling of superiority to the masses of one's
47917 fellow men, and c) delicately and unceasingly amused according to one's taste.
47918 It is my contention that, if this definition be accepted, there is no country
47919 in the world wherein a man constituted as I am -- a man of my peculiar
47920 weaknesses, vanities, appetites, and aversions -- can be so happy as he can
47921 be in the United States. Going further, I lay down the doctrine that it is
47922 a sheer physical impossibility for such a man to live in the United States
47924 -- H.L. Mencken, "On Being An American"
47926 To be is to be related.
47934 -- Miss Connie, Romper Room
47940 To be loved is very demoralizing.
47941 -- Katharine Hepburn
47943 to be nobody but yourself in a world
47944 which is doing its best night and day
47945 to make you like everybody else
47946 means to fight the hardest battle
47947 any human being can fight and
47948 never stop fighting.
47951 To be nobody-but-yourself in a world which is doing its best to,
47952 night and day, to make you everybody else -- means to fight the hardest
47953 battle which any human being can fight; and never stop fighting.
47954 -- E.E. Cummings, "A Miscellany"
47956 To be or not to be.
47965 To be or not to be, that is the bottom line.
47967 To be patriotic, hate all nations but your own; to be religious, all sects
47968 but your own; to be moral, all pretences but your own.
47971 To be successful, a woman has to be much better at her job than a man.
47974 To be successful, a woman must do her job ten times
47975 as well as a man. Fortunately, this is not difficult.
47977 To be sure of hitting the target, shoot first
47978 and, whatever you hit, call it the target.
47980 To be trusted is a greater compliment than to be loved.
47982 To be who one is, is not to be someone else.
47984 To be wise, the only thing you really need
47985 to know is when to say "I don't know."
47987 To believe your own thought, to believe that what is true for
47988 you in your private heart is true for all men -- that is genius.
47989 -- Ralph Waldo Emerson
47991 To code the impossible code, This is my quest --
47992 To bring up a virgin machine, To debug that code,
47993 To pop out of endless recursion, No matter how hopeless,
47994 To grok what appears on the screen, No matter the load,
47995 To write those routines
47996 To right the unrightable bug, Without question or pause,
47997 To endlessly twiddle and thrash, To be willing to hack FORTRAN IV
47998 To mount the unmountable magtape, For a heavenly cause.
47999 To stop the unstoppable crash! And I know if I'll only be true
48000 To this glorious quest,
48001 And the queue will be better for this, That my code will run CUSPy and calm,
48002 That one man, scorned and When it's put to the test.
48004 Still strove with his last allocation
48005 To scrap the unscrappable kludge!
48006 -- To "The Impossible Dream", from Man of La Mancha
48008 To communicate is the beginning of understanding.
48011 To converse at the distance of the Indes by means of sympathetic contrivances
48012 may be as natural to future times as to us is a literary correspondence.
48013 -- Joseph Glanvill, 1661
48015 To craunch a marmoset.
48016 -- Pedro Carolino, "English as She is Spoke"
48018 To criticize the incompetent is easy;
48019 it is more difficult to criticize the competent.
48021 To defend the Saigon regime is not worth one more human life.
48022 -- Senator Edmund Muskie
48024 To do nothing is to be nothing.
48026 To do two things at once is to do neither.
48029 To doubt everything or to believe everything are two equally
48030 convenient solutions; both dispense with the necessity of reflection.
48033 To err is human -- but it feels divine.
48036 To err is human -- to blame it on a computer is even more so.
48038 To err is human, but I can REALLY foul things up.
48040 To err is human, but to really foul things up requires a computer.
48042 To err is human, but when the eraser wears out
48043 before the pencil, you're overdoing it a little.
48045 To err is human; to admit it, a blunder.
48047 To err is human, to forgive, infrequent.
48049 To err is human, to forgive is against company policy.
48051 To err is human, to forgive is not company policy.
48053 To err is human; to forgive is simply not our policy.
48054 -- MIT Assassination Club
48056 To err is human, to forgive unusual.
48058 To err is human, to purr feline.
48059 To err is human, two curs canine.
48060 To err is human, to moo bovine.
48062 To err is human, to repent, divine, to persist, devilish.
48063 -- Benjamin Franklin
48066 To blame someone else for your mistakes is even more human.
48074 To everything there is a season, a time for every purpose under heaven:
48075 A time to be born, and a time to die;
48076 A time to plant, and a time to pluck what is planted;
48077 A time to kill, and a time to heal;
48078 A time to break down, and a time to build up;
48079 A time to weep, and a time to laugh;
48080 A time to mourn, and a time to dance;
48081 A time to cast away stones, and a time to gather stones;
48082 A time to embrace, and a time to refrain from embracing;
48083 A time to gain, and a time to lose;
48084 A time to keep, and a time to throw away;
48085 A time to tear, and a time to sew;
48086 A time to keep silence, and a time to speak;
48087 A time to love, and a time to hate;
48088 A time of war, and a time of peace.
48091 To fear love is to fear life, and those
48092 who fear life are already three parts dead.
48093 -- Bertrand Russell
48095 To find a friend one must close one eye; to keep him -- two.
48098 To find out a girl's faults, praise her to her girl friends.
48099 -- Benjamin Franklin
48101 To get back on your feet, miss two car payments.
48103 To get something clean, one has to get something dirty.
48104 To get something dirty, one does not have to get anything clean.
48106 To get something done, a committee should consist of no more than three
48107 persons, two of them absent.
48109 To give happiness is to deserve happiness.
48111 To give of yourself, you must first know yourself.
48113 To have died once is enough.
48114 -- Publius Vergilius Maro (Virgil)
48116 To hell with the Prime Directive;
48117 Let's KILL something!
48119 To invent, you need a good imagination and a pile of junk.
48122 To iterate is human, to recurse, divine.
48125 To jaw-jaw is better than to war-war.
48126 -- W. Churchill, on Korean War negotiations
48128 To keep your friends treat them kindly;
48129 to kill them, treat them often.
48131 To know Edina is to reject it.
48132 -- Dudley Riggs, "The Year the Grinch Stole the Election"
48134 To laugh at men of sense is the privilege of fools.
48136 To lead people, you must follow behind.
48139 To listen to some devout people,
48140 one would imagine that God never laughs.
48143 To love is good, love being difficult.
48145 To make an enemy, do someone a favor.
48147 To make tax forms true they should
48148 read "Income Owed Us" and "Incommode You".
48150 To many, total abstinence is easier than perfect moderation.
48153 TO ME, CLOWNS AREN'T FUNNY. In fact, they're kinda scary. I've wondered
48154 where this started, and I think it goes back to the time I went to the
48155 circus and a clown killed my dad.
48156 -- Jack Handley, The New Mexican, 1988.
48158 To one large turkey add one gallon of vermouth and a demijohn of Angostura
48160 -- F. Scott Fitzgerald, recipe for turkey cocktail.
48162 To our sweethearts and wives. May they never meet.
48163 -- 19th century toast
48165 To refuse praise is to seek praise twice.
48167 To restore a sense of reality, I think
48168 Walt Disney should have a Hardluckland.
48171 To save a single life is better than to build a seven story pagoda.
48173 To say that UNIX is doomed is pretty rabid, OS/2 will certainly play a role,
48174 but you don't build a hundred million instructions per second multiprocessor
48175 micro and then try to run it on OS/2. I mean, get serious.
48176 -- William Zachmann, International Data Corp
48178 To say you got a vote of confidence
48179 would be to say you needed a vote of confidence.
48182 To see a need and wait to be asked, is to already refuse.
48184 To see the butcher slap the steak, before he laid it on the block,
48185 and give his knife a sharpening, was to forget breakfast instantly. It was
48186 agreeable, too -it really was- to see him cut it off, so smooth and juicy.
48187 There was nothing savage in the act, although the knife was large and keen;
48188 it was a piece of art, high art; there was delicacy of touch, clearness of
48189 tone, skilful handling of the subject, fine shading. It was the triumph of
48190 mind over matter; quite.
48191 -- Dickens, "Martin Chuzzlewit"
48193 To see you is to sympathize.
48195 To spot the expert, pick the one who predicts
48196 the job will take the longest and cost the most.
48198 To stand and be still,
48199 At the Birkenhead drill,
48200 Is a damned tough bullet to chew.
48203 To stay young requires unceasing cultivation
48204 of the ability to unlearn old falsehoods.
48205 -- Lazarus Long, "Time Enough For Love"
48207 To stay youthful, stay useful.
48209 To teach is to learn.
48211 To teach is to learn twice.
48214 To the landlord belongs the doorknobs.
48216 To Theodore Roosevelt:
48217 You are like the Wind and I like the Lion. You form the Tempest.
48218 The sand stings my eyes and the Ground is parched. I roar in defiance but
48219 you do not hear. But between us there is a difference. I, like the lion,
48220 must remain in my place. While you, like the wind, will never know yours.
48221 Mulay Hamid El Raisuli
48223 Sultan to the Berbers
48224 Last of the Barbary Pirates
48226 To thine own self be true.
48227 (If not that, at least make some money.)
48229 To think contrary to one's era is heroism. But to speak against it is
48233 To those accustomed to the precise, structured methods of conventional
48234 system development, exploratory development techniques may seem messy,
48235 inelegant, and unsatisfying. But it's a question of congruence:
48236 precision and flexibility may be just as disfunctional in novel,
48237 uncertain situations as sloppiness and vacillation are in familiar,
48238 well-defined ones. Those who admire the massive, rigid bone structures
48239 of dinosaurs should remember that jellyfish still enjoy their very
48240 secure ecological niche.
48241 -- Beau Sheil, "Power Tools for Programmers"
48243 TO THOSE OF YOU WHO DESIRE IT, I GRANT YOU MADRAK'S BLESSING:
48245 Insofar as I may be heard by anything, which may or may not care
48246 what I say, I ask, if it matters, that you be forgiven for anything you
48247 may have done or failed to do which requires forgiveness.
48248 Conversely, if not forgiveness but something else be required
48249 to ensure any possible benefit for which you may be eligible after the
48250 destruction of your body, I ask that this, whatever it may be, be granted
48251 or withheld, as the case may be, in such a manner as to ensure your
48252 receiving said benefit.
48253 I ask this in my capacity as your elected intermediary between
48254 yourself and that which may have an interest in the matter of your receiving
48255 as much as it is possible for you to receive of this thing, and which may
48256 in some way be influenced by this ceremony.
48258 -- Roger Zelazny, "Creatures of Light and Darkness"
48260 To understand a program you must become both the machine and the program.
48262 To understand the heart and mind of a person, look not at what
48263 he has already achieved, but at what he aspires to do.
48265 To use violence is to already be defeated.
48268 To whom the mornings are like nights,
48269 What must the midnights be!
48270 -- Emily Dickinson (on hacking?)
48272 To write a sonnet you must ruthlessly
48273 strip down your words to naked, willing flesh.
48274 Then bind them to a metaphor or three,
48275 and take by force a satisfying mesh.
48276 Arrange them to your will, each foot in place.
48277 You are the master here, and they the slaves.
48278 Now whip them to maintain a constant pace
48279 and rhythm as they stand in even staves.
48280 A word that strikes no pleasure? Cast it out!
48281 What use are words that drive not to the heart?
48282 A lazy phrase? Discard it, shrug off doubt,
48283 and choose more docile words to take its part.
48284 A well-trained sonnet lives to entertain,
48285 by making love directly to the brain.
48287 To you I'm an atheist; to God, I'm the loyal opposition.
48290 Tobacco is a filthy weed,
48291 That from the devil does proceed;
48292 It drains your purse, it burns your clothes,
48293 And makes a chimney of your nose.
48297 A nice place to visit, but you can't stay here for long.
48299 Today is a good day for information-gathering.
48300 Read someone else's mail file.
48302 Today is a good day to bribe a high-ranking public official.
48304 Today is National Existential Ennui Awareness Day.
48306 Today is the first day of the rest of the mess.
48308 Today is the first day of the rest of your life.
48310 Today is the first day of the rest of your lossage.
48312 Today is the last day of your life so far.
48314 Today is what happened to yesterday.
48316 Today when a man gets married he gets a home, a housekeeper, a cook, a
48317 cheering squad and another paycheck. When a woman marries, she gets a
48320 Today you'll start getting heavy metal radio on your dentures.
48322 Today's thrilling story has been brought to you by Mushies, the great new
48323 cereal that gets soggy even without milk or cream. Join us soon for more
48324 spectacular adventure starring... Tippy, the Wonder Dog!
48327 Today's weirdness is tomorrow's reason why.
48330 Toddlers are the stormtroopers of the Lord of Entropy.
48333 Any shag carpet that causes the lid to become top-heavy, thus
48334 creating endless annoyance to male users.
48335 -- Rich Hall, "Sniglets"
48337 Tom Hayden is the kind of politician who gives opportunism a bad name.
48340 Tomorrow, this will be part of the unchangeable past
48341 but fortunately, it can still be changed today.
48343 Tomorrow will be cancelled due to lack of interest.
48345 Tomorrow, you can be anywhere.
48347 Tomorrow's computers some time next month.
48350 Tom's hungry, time to eat lunch.
48352 Tonight you will pay the wages of sin;
48353 Don't forget to leave a tip.
48355 Tonight's the night: Sleep in a eucalyptus tree.
48357 Toni's Solution to a Guilt-Free Life:
48358 If you have to lie to someone, it's their fault.
48360 Too bad all the people who know how to run the country are busy
48361 driving cabs and cutting hair.
48364 TOO BAD YOU CAN'T BUY a voodoo globe so that you could make the earth spin
48365 real fast and freak everybody out.
48366 -- Jack Handley, The New Mexican, 1988.
48368 Too clever is dumb.
48371 Too cool to calypso,
48372 Too tough to tango,
48373 Too weird to watusi
48377 A large number of turkies [sic] went to San Francisco yesterday by
48378 the two o'clock boats. If their object in going down was to participate in
48379 the Thanksgiving festivities of that city, they would arrive "the day after
48380 the affair," and of course be sadly disappointed thereby.
48381 -- Sacramento Daily Union, November 29, 1861
48383 Too many people are thinking of security instead of opportunity.
48384 They seem more afraid of life than death.
48387 Too much is just enough.
48388 -- Mark Twain, on whiskey
48390 Too much is not enough.
48392 Too much of a good thing is WONDERFUL.
48395 Too often people have come to me and said, "If I had just one wish for
48396 anything in all the world, I would wish for more user-defined equations
48397 in the HP-51820A Waveform Generator Software."
48399 [Once is too often. Ed.]
48401 Too ripped. Gotta go.
48403 Toothpaste never hurts the taste of good scotch.
48405 Top Ten Things Overheard At The ANSI C Draft Committee Meetings:
48407 10: Sorry, but that's too useful.
48408 9: Dammit, little-endian systems *are* more consistent!
48409 8: I'm on the committee and I *still* don't know what the hell
48411 7: Well, it's an excellent idea, but it would make the compilers too
48413 6: Them bats is smart; they use radar.
48414 5: All right, who's the wiseguy who stuck this trigraph stuff in here?
48415 4: How many times do we have to tell you, "No prior art!"
48416 3: Ha, ha, I can't believe they're actually going to adopt this sucker.
48417 2: Thank you for your generous donation, Mr. Wirth.
48418 1: Gee, I wish we hadn't backed down on 'noalias'.
48420 Topologists are just plane folks.
48421 Pilots are just plane folks.
48422 Carpenters are just plane folks.
48423 Midwest farmers are just plain folks.
48424 Musicians are just playin' folks.
48425 Whodunit readers are just Spillaine folks.
48426 Some Londoners are just P. Lane folks.
48430 Total strangers need love, too; and I'm stranger than most.
48432 TOTD (T-shirt Of The Day):
48433 I'm the person your mother warned you about.
48435 Toto, I don't think we're in Kansas anymore.
48436 -- Judy Garland, "Wizard of Oz"
48438 Tourists -- have some fun with New York's hard-boiled cabbies. When you
48439 get to your destination, say to your driver, "Pay? I was hitch-hiking."
48442 Tout choses sont dites deja, mais comme
48443 personne n'ecoute, il faut toujours recommencer.
48446 Traffic signals in New York are just rough guidelines.
48449 TRANSACTION CANCELLED - FARECARD RETURNED
48452 A promotion you receive on the condition that you leave town.
48455 Being or pertaining to an existing, nontangible object.
48456 "It's there, but you can't see it"
48457 -- IBM System/360 announcement, 1964.
48460 Being or pertaining to a tangible, nonexistent object.
48461 "I can see it, but it's not there."
48465 Someone who spends his junior year at college abroad.
48467 Trap full -- please empty.
48470 Something that makes you feel like you're getting somewhere.
48472 Travel important today; Internal Revenue men arrive tomorrow.
48474 Traveling through hyperspace isn't like dusting crops, boy.
48477 Traveling through New England, a motorist stopped for gas in a tiny village.
48478 "What's this place called?" he asked the station attendant.
48479 "All depends," the native drawled. "Do you mean by them that has
48480 to live in this dad-blamed, moth-eaten, dust-covered, one-hoss dump, or
48481 by them that's merely enjoying its quaint and picturesque rustic charms
48482 for a short spell?"
48484 Treat your friend as if he might become an enemy.
48487 Treaties are like roses and young girls -- they last while they last.
48488 -- Charles DeGaulle
48490 Trifles make perfection, and perfection is no trifle.
48493 Troglodytism does not necessarily imply a low cultural level.
48495 Trouble always comes at the wrong time.
48497 Trouble strikes in series of threes, but when working around the house the
48498 next job after a series of three is not the fourth job -- it's the start of
48499 a brand new series of three.
48501 Troubled day for virgins over 16 who are
48502 beautiful and wealthy and live in eucalyptus trees.
48504 Troubles are like babies; they only grow by nursing.
48506 True happiness will be found only in true love.
48508 True leadership is the art of changing
48509 a group from what it is to what it ought to be.
48512 True to our past we work with an inherited, observed, and accepted vision of
48513 personal futility, and of the beauty of the world.
48516 Truly great madness can not be achieved without significant intelligence.
48519 Truly simple systems... require infinite testing.
48520 -- Norman Augustine
48522 Trust everybody, but cut the cards.
48523 -- Finlay Peter Dunne, "Mr. Dooley's Philosophy"
48525 Trust in Allah, but tie your camel.
48529 Get me, give me, buy me, do me.
48532 Translation of the Latin "caveat emptor."
48534 Trust your husband, adore your husband,
48535 and get as much as you can in your own name.
48538 Truth can wait; he's used to it.
48540 Truth has no special time of its own. Its hour is now -- always.
48541 -- Albert Schweitzer
48543 Truth is free, but information costs.
48545 Truth is hard to find and harder to obscure.
48547 "Truth is stranger than fiction, because fiction has to make sense."
48549 Truth is the most valuable thing we have -- so let us economize it.
48552 Truth never comes into the world but like a bastard, to the ignominy
48553 of him that brought her birth.
48556 Truth will out this morning. (Which may really mess things up.)
48559 Dumb and illiterate.
48563 Try not to have a good time ...
48564 This is supposed to be educational.
48572 Try `stty 0' -- it works much better.
48574 Try the Moo Shu Pork. It is especially good today.
48576 Try to be the best of whatever you are, even if what you are is no good.
48578 Try to divide your time evenly to keep others happy.
48580 Try to find the real tense of the report you are reading: Was it done, is
48581 it being done, or is something to be done? Reports are now written in four
48582 tenses: past tense, present tense, future tense, and pretense. Watch for
48583 novel uses of CONGRAM (CONtractor GRAMmer), defined by the imperfect past,
48584 the insufficient present, and the absolutely perfect future.
48587 Try to get all of your posthumous medals in advance.
48589 Try to have as good a life as you can under the circumstances.
48591 Try to relax and enjoy the crisis.
48592 -- Ashleigh Brilliant
48594 Try to value useful qualities in one who loves you.
48596 Trying to be happy is like trying to build a machine for
48597 which the only specification is that it should run noiselessly.
48599 Trying to define yourself is like trying to bite your own teeth.
48602 Trying to get an education here is like
48603 trying to take a drink from a fire hose.
48606 Life is *not* a Cabaret, and stop calling me chum!
48608 Tuesday After Lunch is the cosmic time of the week.
48610 Tuesday is the Wednesday of the rest of your life.
48612 Turn on, tune in, and take over.
48615 Turn the other cheek.
48619 The attention span of a computer is only as long as its
48623 Nothing is as inevitable as a mistake whose time has come.
48625 TV is chewing gum for the eyes.
48626 -- Frank Lloyd Wright
48628 'Twas a woman who drove me to drink,
48629 and I never even had the decency to thank her.
48632 "Twas bergen and the eirie road
48633 Did mahwah into patterson: "Beware the Hopatcong, my son!
48634 All jersey were the ocean groves, The teeth that bite, the nails
48635 And the red bank bayonne. that claw!
48636 Beware the bound brook bird, and shun
48637 He took his belmar blade in hand: The kearney communipaw."
48638 Long time the folsom foe he sought
48639 Till rested he by a bayway tree And, as in nutley thought he stood,
48640 And stood a while in thought. The Hopatcong with eyes of flame,
48641 Came whippany through the englewood,
48642 One, two, one, two, and through And garfield as it came.
48644 The belmar blade went hackensack! "And hast thou slain the Hopatcong?
48645 He left it dead and with it's head Come to my arms, my perth amboy!
48646 He went weehawken back. Hohokus day! Soho! Rahway!"
48647 He caldwell in his joy.
48648 Did mahwah into patterson:
48649 All jersey were the ocean groves,
48650 And the red bank bayonne.
48653 'Twas brillig, and the slithy toves And as in uffish thought he stood
48654 Did gyre and gimble in the wabe. The Jabberwock, with eyes aflame
48655 All mimsy were the borogroves Came whuffling through the tulgey wood
48656 And the mome raths outgrabe. And burbled as it came!
48658 "Beware the Jabberwock, my son! One! Two! One! Two!
48659 The jaws that bite, and through and through
48660 the claws that catch! The vorpal blade went snicker-snack.
48661 Beware the Jubjub bird, He left it dead, and took its head,
48662 And shun the frumious Bandersnatch!" And went galumphing back.
48664 He took his vorpal sword in hand "Hast thou slain the Jabberwock?
48665 Long time the manxome foe he sought. Come to my arms, my beamish boy!
48666 So rested he by the tumtum tree Oh frabjous day! Calooh! Callay!"
48667 And stood awhile in thought. He chortled in his joy.
48669 'Twas brillig, and the slithy toves
48670 Did gyre and gimble in the wabe.
48671 All mimsy were the borogroves
48674 'Twas brillig, and the slithy toves
48675 Did gyre and gimble in the wabe. "Beware the Jabberwock, my son!
48676 All mimsy were the borogroves The jaws that bite, the claws
48677 And the mome raths outgrabe. that catch!
48678 Beware the Jubjub bird,
48679 He took his vorpal sword in hand And shun the frumious Bandersnatch!"
48680 Long time the manxome foe he sought.
48681 So rested he by the tumtum tree And as in uffish thought he stood
48682 And stood awhile in thought. The Jabberwock, with eyes aflame
48683 Came whuffling through the tulgey wood
48684 One! Two! One! Two! And through and And burbled as it came!
48686 The vorpal blade went snicker-snack. "Hast thou slain the Jabberwock?
48687 He left it dead, and took its head, Come to my arms, my beamish boy!
48688 And went galumphing back. Oh frabjous day! Calooh! Callay!"
48689 He chortled in his joy.
48690 'Twas brillig, and the slithy toves
48691 Did gyre and gimble in the wabe.
48692 All mimsy were the borogroves
48693 And the mome raths outgrabe.
48694 -- Lewis Carroll, "Jabberwocky"
48696 'Twas bullig, and the slithy brokers
48697 Did buy and gamble in the craze "Beware the Jabberstock, my son!
48698 All rosy were the Dow Jones stokers The cost that bites, the worth
48699 By market's wrath unphased. that falls!
48700 Beware the Econ'mist's word, and shun
48701 He took his forecast sword in hand: The spurious Street o' Walls!"
48702 Long time the Boesk'some foe he sought -
48703 Sake's liquidity, so d'vested he, And as in bearish thought he stood
48704 And stood awhile in thought. The Jabberstock, with clothes of tweed,
48705 Came waffling with the truth too good,
48706 Chip Black! Chip Blue! And through And yuppied great with greed!
48708 The forecast blade went snicker-snack! "And hast thou slain the Jabberstock?
48709 It bit the dirt, and with its shirt, Come to my firm, V.P.ish boy!
48710 He went rebounding back. O big bucks day! Moolah! Good Play!"
48711 He bought him a Mercedes Toy.
48712 'Twas panic, and the slithy brokers
48713 Did gyre and tumble in the Crash
48714 All flimsy were the Dow Jones stokers
48715 And mammon's wrath them bash!
48716 -- Peter Stucki, "Jabberstocky"
48718 'Twas midnight, and the UNIX hacks
48719 Did gyre and gimble in their cave
48720 All mimsy was the CS-VAX
48721 And Cory raths outgrave.
48723 "Beware the software rot, my son!
48724 The faults that bite, the jobs that thrash!
48725 Beware the broken pipe, and shun
48726 The frumious system crash!"
48728 'Twas midnight on the ocean, Her children all were orphans,
48729 Not a streetcar was in sight, Except one a tiny tot,
48730 So I stepped into a cigar store Who had a home across the way
48731 To ask them for a light. Above a vacant lot.
48733 The man behind the counter As I gazed through the oaken door
48734 Was a woman, old and gray, A whale went drifting by,
48735 Who used to peddle doughnuts Its six legs hanging in the air,
48736 On the road to Mandalay. So I kissed her goodbye.
48738 She said "Good morning, stranger", This story has a morale
48739 Her eyes were dry with tears, As you can plainly see,
48740 As she put her head between her feet Don't mix your gin with whiskey
48741 And stood that way for years. On the deep and dark blue sea.
48742 -- Midnight On The Ocean
48744 'Twas the night before Christmas -- the very last one --
48745 When the blazing of lasers destroyed all our fun.
48746 Just as Santa had lifted off, driving his sleigh,
48747 A satellite spotted him making his way.
48748 The Star Wars Defense System -- Reagan's desire
48749 Was ready for action, and started to fire!
48750 The laser beams criss-crossed and lit up the sky
48751 Like a fireworks show on the Fourth of July.
48752 I'd just finished wrapping the last of the toys
48753 When out of my chimney there came a great noise.
48754 I looked to the fireplace, hoping to see
48755 St. Nick bringing presents for missus and me.
48756 But what I saw next was disturbing and shocking:
48757 A flaming red jacket setting fire to my stocking!
48758 Charred reindeer remains and a melted sleigh-bell;
48759 Outside burning toys like confetti they fell.
48760 So now you know, children, why Christmas is gone:
48761 The Star Wars computer had got something wrong.
48762 Only programmed for battle, it hadn't a heart;
48763 'Twas hardly a chance it would work from the start.
48764 It couldn't be tested, and no one could tell,
48765 If the crazy contraption would work very well.
48766 So after a trillion or two had been spent
48767 The system thought Santa a Red missile sent.
48768 So kids dry your tears now, and get off to bed,
48769 There won't be a Christmas -- since Santa is dead.
48771 Twenty two thousand days.
48772 Twenty two thousand days.
48774 It's all you've got.
48775 Twenty two thousand days.
48776 -- Moody Blues, "Twenty Two Thousand Days"
48778 Two battleships assigned to the training squadron had been at sea on maneuvers
48779 in heavy weather for several days. I was serving on the lead battleship and
48780 was on watch on the bridge as night fell. The visibility was poor with patchy
48781 fog, so the Captain remained on the bridge keeping an eye on all activities.
48782 Shortly after dark, the lookout on the wing of the bridge reported,
48783 "Light, bearing on the starboard bow."
48784 "Is it steady or moving astern?" the Captain called out.
48785 Lookout replied, "Steady, Captain," which meant we were on a dangerous
48786 collision course with that ship.
48787 The Captain then called to the signalman, "Signal that ship: We are on
48788 a collision course, advise you change course 20 degrees."
48789 Back came a signal "Advisable for you to change course 20 degrees."
48790 In reply, the Captain said, "Send: I'm a Captain, change course 20
48792 "I'm a seaman second class," came the reply, "You had better change
48793 course 20 degrees."
48794 By that time, the Captain was furious. He spit out, "Send: I'm a
48795 battleship, change course 20 degrees."
48796 Back came the flashing light: "I'm a lighthouse!"
48798 -- The Naval Institute's "Proceedings"
48800 Two can Live as Cheaply as One for Half as Long.
48803 Two cars in every pot and a chicken in every garage.
48805 Two Finns and a penguin are sitting on the front porch of a large house. The
48806 penguin is dripping in sweat; his owner looks down and says to the other Finn,
48807 "Hey Urho, I want that you should take the penguin to the zoo, okay?" The
48808 owner then runs off to the sauna. When he gets out of the sauna, he looks
48809 up at the porch, and sure enough, there is Urho and the penguin, sweating
48810 away. So he yells out "Hey, Urho, I thought I told you to take the penguin to
48811 the zoo, I did." And Urho yells back "Yup, and tomorrow we're going to
48814 Two friends were out drinking when suddenly one lurched backward off his
48815 barstool and lay motionless on the floor.
48816 "One thing about Jim," the other said to the bartender, "he sure
48817 knows when to stop."
48819 Two heads are better than one.
48822 Two heads are more numerous than one.
48824 Two hundred years ago today, Irma Chine of White Plains, New York, was
48825 performing her normal housekeeping routines. She was interrupted by
48826 British soldiers who, rallying to the call of their supervisor, General
48827 Hughes, sought to gain control of the voter registration lists kept in
48828 her home. Masking her fear and thinking fast, Mrs. Chine quickly divided
48829 a nearby apple in two and deftly stored the list in its center. Upon
48830 entering, the British blatantly violated every conceivable convention,
48831 and, though they went through the house virtually bit by bit, their
48832 search was fruitless. They had to return empty handed. Word of the
48833 incident propagated rapidly through the region. This historic event
48834 became the first documented use of core storage for the saving of registers.
48836 Two is company, three is an orgy.
48838 Two is not equal to three, even for large values of two.
48840 Two men are in a hot-air balloon. Soon, they find themselves lost in a
48841 canyon somewhere. One of the three men says, "I've got an idea. We can
48842 call for help in this canyon and the echo will carry our voices to the
48843 end of the canyon. Someone's bound to hear us by then!"
48844 So he leans over the basket and screams out, "Helllloooooo! Where
48845 are we?" (They hear the echo several times).
48846 Fifteen minutes later, they hear this echoing voice: "Helllloooooo!
48848 The shouter comments, "That must have been a mathematician."
48849 Puzzled, his friend asks, "Why do you say that?"
48850 "For three reasons. First, he took a long time to answer, second,
48851 he was absolutely correct, and, third, his answer was absolutely useless."
48853 Two men came before Nasrudin when he was magistrate. The first man said,
48854 "This man has bitten my ear -- I demand compensation." The second man said,
48855 "He bit it himself." Nasrudin withdrew to his chambers, and spent an hour
48856 trying to bite his own ear. He succeeded only in falling over and bruising
48857 his forehead. Returning to the courtroom, Nasrudin pronounced, "Examine
48858 the man whose ear was bitten. If his forehead is bruised, he did it himself
48859 and the case is dismissed. If his forehead is not bruised, the other man
48860 did it and must pay three silver pieces."
48862 Two men look out through the same bars; one sees mud, and one the stars.
48864 Two men were sitting over coffee, contemplating the nature of things,
48865 with all due respect for their breakfast. "I wonder why it is that
48866 toast always falls on the buttered side," said one.
48867 "Tell me," replied his friend, "why you say such a thing. Look
48868 at this." And he dropped his toast on the floor, where it landed on the
48870 "So, what have you to say for your theory now?"
48871 "What am I to say? You obviously buttered the wrong side."
48873 Two peanuts were walking through the New York. One was assaulted.
48875 Two percent of zero is almost nothing.
48877 Two rights don't make a wrong, they make an airplane.
48879 Two Russian friends happen to meet in Red Square. One of them says, "By
48880 the way, did you hear that Romanov died?"
48881 "No," replied the other, "I didn't even know he'd been arrested!"
48883 Two sure ways to tell a REALLY sexy man; the first is, he has a bad memory.
48884 I forget the second.
48886 Two Swedish guys get of a ship and head for the nearest bars. Each one
48887 orders two vodkas and immediately downs them. They they order two more
48888 and once again quickly throw them back. They then order two more. When
48889 they arrive, one of them picks up his glass, and, turning to the other,
48890 toasts him, "Skoal!"
48891 The other turns to the first man and scolds, "Hey! Did you come
48892 here to screw around, or did you come here to drink?"
48894 Two wrongs are only the beginning.
48897 Two wrongs don't make a right, but they make a good excuse.
48900 Tyger, Tyger, burning bright Where the hammer? Where the chain?
48901 In the forests of the night, In what furnace was thy brain?
48902 What immortal hand or eye What the anvil? What dread grasp
48903 Dare frame thy fearful symmetry? Dare its deadly terrors clasp?
48905 Burnt in distant deeps or skies When the stars threw down their spears
48906 The cruel fire of thine eyes? And water'd heaven with their tears
48907 On what wings dare he aspire? Dare he laugh his work to see?
48908 What the hand dare seize the fire? Dare he who made the lamb make thee?
48910 And what shoulder & what art Tyger, Tyger, burning bright
48911 Could twist the sinews of they heart? In the forests of the night,
48912 And when thy heart began to beat What immortal hand or eye
48913 What dread hand & what dread feet Dare frame thy fearful symmetry?
48915 Could fetch it from the furnace deep
48916 And in thy horrid ribs dare steep
48917 In the well of sanguine woe?
48918 In what clay & in what mould
48919 Were thy eyes of fury roll'd?
48920 -- William Blake, "The Tyger"
48922 Type louder, please.
48924 U: There's a U -- a Unicorn!
48925 Run right up and rub its horn.
48926 Look at all those points you're losing!
48927 UMBER HULKS are so confusing.
48928 -- The Roguelet's ABC
48930 Udall's Fourth Law:
48931 Any change or reform you make
48932 is going to have consequences you don't like.
48934 UFO's are for real: the Air Force doesn't exist.
48936 Uh-oh -- I've let the cat out of the bag. Let me, then,
48937 straightforwardly state the thesis I shall now elaborate:
48938 Making variations on a theme is really the crux of creativity.
48939 -- Douglas R. Hofstadter, "Metamagical Themas"
48941 Ummm, well, OK. The network's the network, the computer's the computer.
48942 Sorry for the confusion.
48943 -- Sun Microsystems
48945 Unbearably lovely music is heard as the curtain rises, and we see the
48946 woods on a summer afternoon. A fawn dances on and nibbles at some
48947 leaves. He drifts lazily through the soft foliage. Soon he starts
48948 coughing and drops dead.
48949 -- Woody Allen, "Without Feathers"
48951 Uncle Cosmo, why do they call this a word processor?
48952 It's simple, Skyler. You've seen what food processors do to food, right?
48954 Uncle Ed's Rule of Thumb:
48955 Never use your thumb for a rule.
48956 You'll either hit it with a hammer or get a splinter in it.
48958 Under any conditions, anywhere, whatever you are doing, there is some
48959 ordinance under which you can be booked.
48960 -- Robert D. Sprecht, Rand Corp.
48962 Under capitalism, man exploits man.
48963 Under communism, it's just the opposite.
48966 Under deadline pressure for the next week.
48967 If you want something, it can wait.
48968 Unless it's blind screaming paroxysmally hedonistic...
48970 Under every stone lurks a politician.
48973 Under the wide an starry sky,
48974 Dig my grave and let me lie,
48975 Glad did I live and gladly die,
48976 And laid me down with a will,
48977 And this be the verse that you grave for me,
48978 Here he lies where he longed to be,
48979 Home is the sailor home from the sea,
48980 And the hunter home from the hill.
48983 Under the wide and heavy VAX
48984 Dig my grave and let me relax
48985 Long have I lived, and many my hacks
48986 And I lay me down with a will.
48987 These be the words that tell the way:
48988 "Here he lies who piped 64K,
48989 Brought down the machine for nearly a day,
48990 And Rogue playing to an awful standstill."
48992 Underlying Principle of Socio-Genetics:
48993 Superiority is recessive.
48996 To reach a point, in your investigation of some subject, at which
48997 you cease to examine what is really present, and operate on the
48998 basis of your own internal model instead.
49000 Understanding is always the understanding of a smaller problem
49001 in relation to a bigger problem.
49004 Unfair animal names:
49006 -- tsetse fly -- bullhead
49007 -- booby -- duck-billed platypus
49008 -- sapsucker -- Clarence
49011 UNFAIR COMPETITION:
49012 Selling cheaper than we do.
49014 Unfortunately, most programmers like to play with new toys. I have many
49015 friends who, immediately upon buying a snakebite kit, would be tempted to
49016 throw the first person they see to the ground, tie the tourniquet on him,
49017 slash him with the knife, and apply suction to the wound.
49020 Unhappy the land that needs heroes.
49024 A dues-paying club workers wield to strike management.
49026 United Nations, New York, December 25. The peace and joy of the Christmas
49027 season was marred by a proclamation of a general strike of all the military
49028 forces of the world. Panic reigns in the hearts of all the patriots of
49029 every persuasion. Meanwhile, fears of universal disaster sank to an all-time
49030 low over the world.
49039 Universities are places of knowledge. The freshman each bring a little
49040 in with them, and the seniors take none away, so knowledge accumulates.
49043 Like a software house, except the software's free, and it's
49044 usable, and it works, and if it breaks they'll quickly tell
49045 you how to fix it, and...
49047 [Okay, okay, I'll leave it in, but I think you're destroying
49048 the credibility of the entire fortune program. Ed.]
49050 University politics are vicious precisely because the stakes are so small.
49053 UNIX enhancements aren't.
49055 Unix gives you just enough rope to hang yourself -- and then a couple
49056 of more feet, just to be sure.
49060 -- Rob Gingell on Sun Microsystems' new virtual memory.
49062 Unix is a lot more complicated (than CP/M) of course -- the typical Unix
49063 hacker can never remember what the PRINT command is called this week --
49064 but when it gets right down to it, Unix is a glorified video game.
49065 People don't do serious work on Unix systems; they send jokes around the
49066 world on USENET or write adventure games and research papers.
49068 "Real Programmers Don't Use Pascal", Datamation, 7/83
49070 Unix is a Registered Bell of AT&T Trademark Laboratories.
49073 UNIX is hot. It's more than hot. It's steaming. It's quicksilver
49074 lightning with a laserbeam kicker.
49075 -- Michael Jay Tucker
49077 UNIX is many things to many people,
49078 but it's never been everything to anybody.
49080 Unix is the worst operating system; except for all others.
49084 A computer operating system, once thought to be flabby and
49085 impotent, that now shows a surprising interest in making off
49086 with the workstation harem.
49088 unix soit qui mal y pense
49090 UNIX was not designed to stop you from doing stupid things, because that
49091 would also stop you from doing clever things.
49094 Unix will self-destruct in five seconds... 4... 3... 2... 1...
49096 Unknown person(s) stole the American flag from its pole in Etra Park sometime
49097 between 3pm Jan 17 and 11:30 am Jan 20. The flag is described as red, white
49098 and blue, having 50 stars and was valued at $40.
49099 -- Windsor-Heights Herald "Police Blotter", Jan 28, 1987
49101 Unless hours were cups of sack, and minutes capons, and clocks the tongues
49102 of bawds, and dials the signs of leaping houses, and the blessed sun himself
49103 a fair, hot wench in flame-colored taffeta, I see no reason why thou shouldst
49104 be so superfluous to demand the time of the day. I wasted time and now doth
49106 -- William Shakespeare
49108 Unless you love someone, nothing else makes any sense.
49112 If it happens, it must be possible.
49114 Unprovided with original learning, unformed in the habits of thinking,
49115 unskilled in the arts of composition, I resolved to write a book.
49118 Unquestionably, there is progress. The average American now
49119 pays out twice as much in taxes as he formerly got in wages.
49122 Until Eve arrived, this was a man's world.
49126 What you left out on April 15th.
49128 Up against the net, redneck mother,
49129 Mother who has raised your son so well;
49130 He's seventeen and hackin' on a Macintosh,
49131 Flaming spelling errors and raisin' hell...
49133 Uppers are no longer stylish, methedrine is almost as rare as pure acid
49134 or DMT. "Consciousness Expansion" went out with LBJ and it is worth
49135 noting, historically, that downers came in with Nixon.
49136 -- Dr. Hunter S. Thompson
49138 Usage: fortune -P [-f] -a [xsz] Q: file [rKe9] -v6[+] file1 ...
49140 Use a pun, go to jail.
49142 Use an accordion. Go to jail.
49143 -- KFOG, San Francisco
49145 Use what talents you possess: the woods would be very silent
49146 if no birds sang there except those that sang best.
49149 USENET would be a better laboratory is there were
49150 more labor and less oratory.
49154 A programmer who will believe anything you tell him.
49159 The word computer professionals use when they mean "idiot."
49160 -- Dave Barry, "Claw Your Way to the Top"
49162 [I always thought "computer professional" was the phrase hackers used
49163 when they meant "idiot." Ed.]
49165 Using TSO is like kicking a dead whale down the beach.
49168 Using words to describe magic is like using a screwdriver to cut roast beef.
49173 Usually, when a lot of men get together, it's called a war.
49174 -- Mel Brooks, "The Listener"
49177 A two-week binge of rest and relaxation so intense that
49178 it takes another 50 weeks of your restrained workaday
49179 life-style to recuperate.
49182 An unbreakable toy is useful for breaking other toys.
49185 Honesty is the best policy - there's less competition.
49188 Life is a whole series of circumstances beyond your control.
49190 Variables don't; constants aren't.
49194 Vegetables are what food eats.
49195 Fruit are vegetables that fool you by tasting good.
49196 Fish are fast moving vegetables.
49197 Mushrooms are what grows on vegetables when food's done with them.
49198 -- Meat Eater's Credo, according to Jim Williams
49200 Vegetarians beware! You are what you eat.
49202 Velilind's Laws of Experimentation:
49203 1. If reproducibility may be a problem, conduct the test only once.
49204 2. If a straight line fit is required, obtain only two data points.
49207 I came, I saw, I did a little shopping.
49209 Verba volant, scripta manent!
49211 Vermouth always makes me brilliant unless it makes me idiotic.
49214 Very few people do anything creative after the age of thirty-five. The
49215 reason is that very few people do anything creative before the age of
49219 Very few profundities can be expressed in less than 80 characters.
49221 Very few things actually get manufactured these days, because in an
49222 infinitely large Universe, such as the one in which we live, most things one
49223 could possibly imagine, and a lot of things one would rather not, grow
49224 somewhere. A forest was discovered recently in which most of the trees grew
49225 ratchet screwdrivers as fruit. The life cycle of the ratchet screwdriver is
49226 quite interesting. Once picked it needs a dark dusty drawer in which it can
49227 lie undisturbed for years. Then one night it suddenly hatches, discards its
49228 outer skin that crumbles into dust, and emerges as a totally unidentifiable
49229 little metal object with flanges at both ends and a sort of ridge and a hole
49230 for a screw. This, when found, will get thrown away. No one knows what the
49231 screwdriver is supposed to gain from this. Nature, in her infinite wisdom,
49232 is presumably working on it.
49234 Very few things happen at the right time, and the rest do not happen
49235 at all. The conscientious historian will correct these defects.
49238 Vests are to suits as seat-belts are to cars.
49241 A hungry dog hunts best.
49242 A hungrier dog hunts even better.
49244 Decreased business base increases overhead.
49245 So does increased business base.
49247 The most unsuccessful four years in the education of a cost-estimator
49248 is fifth grade arithmetic.
49250 Acronyms and abbreviations should be used to the maximum extent
49251 possible to make trivial ideas profound. Q.E.D.
49253 Bulls do not win bull fights; people do.
49254 People do not win people fights; lawyers do.
49255 -- Norman Augustine
49257 Victory uber allies!
49260 1. Daring Scandinavian seafarers, explorers, adventurers,
49261 entrepreneurs world-famous for their aggressive, nautical import
49262 business, highly leveraged takeovers and blue eyes.
49263 2. Bloodthirsty sea pirates who ravaged northern Europe beginning
49264 in the 9th century.
49266 Hagar's note: The first definition is much preferred; the second is used
49267 only by malcontents, the envious, and disgruntled owners of waterfront
49271 [I came, I saw, I conquered].
49272 -- Gaius Julius Caesar
49274 "Violence accomplishes nothing." What a contemptible lie! Raw, naked
49275 violence has settled more issues throughout history than any other method
49276 ever employed. Perhaps the city fathers of Carthage could debate the
49277 issue, with Hitler and Alexander as judges?
49279 Violence is a sword that has no handle -- you have to hold the blade.
49281 Violence is molding.
49283 Violence is the last refuge of the incompetent.
49286 Violence stinks, no matter which end of it you're on. But now and then
49287 there's nothing left to do but hit the other person over the head with a
49288 frying pan. Sometimes people are just begging for that frypan, and if we
49289 weaken for a moment and honor their request, we should regard it as
49290 impulsive philanthropy, which we aren't in any position to afford, but
49291 shouldn't regret it too loudly lest we spoil the purity of the deed.
49295 A group of beautifully mounted hunters galloping behind
49296 baying hounds in pursuit of a union organizer.
49298 VIRGO (Aug 23 - Sept 22)
49299 You are the logical type and hate disorder. This nitpicking is
49300 sickening to your friends. You are cold and unemotional and sometimes
49301 fall asleep while making love. Virgos make good bus drivers.
49303 VIRGO (Aug.23 - Sept.22)
49304 Learn something new today, like how to spell or how to count
49305 to ten without using your fingers. Be careful dressing this
49306 morning. You may be hit by a car later in the day and you
49307 wouldn't want to be taken to the doctor's office in some of
49308 that old underwear you own.
49310 Virtue does not always demand a heavy sacrifice --
49311 only the willingness to make it when necessary.
49314 Virtue is its own punishment.
49317 Righteous people terrify me ... virtue is its own punishment.
49320 Virtue is not left to stand alone.
49321 He who practices it will have neighbors.
49324 Virtue would go far if vanity did not keep it company.
49325 -- La Rochefoucauld
49327 Visit beautiful Vergas Minnesota.
49329 Visit beautiful Wisconsin Dells.
49331 Visits always give pleasure: if not on arrival, then on the departure.
49332 -- Edouard Le Berquier, "Pensees des Autres"
49335 The world's foremost multi-user adventure game.
49337 VMS version 2.0 ==>
49345 A mountain with hiccups.
49347 Volcanoes have a grandeur that is grim
49348 And earthquakes only terrify the dolts,
49349 And to him who's scientific
49350 There is nothing that's terrific
49351 In the pattern of a flight of thunderbolts!
49352 -- W.S. Gilbert, "The Mikado"
49355 It is better to have lobbed and lost
49356 than never to have lobbed at all.
49358 Von Neumann was the subject of many dotty professor stories. Von Neumann
49359 supposedly had the habit of simply writing answers to homework assignments on
49360 the board (the method of solution being, of course, obvious) when he was asked
49361 how to solve problems. One time one of his students tried to get more helpful
49362 information by asking if there was another way to solve the problem. Von
49363 Neumann looked blank for a moment, thought, and then answered, "Yes.".
49367 Vote early and vote often.
49368 -- Al Capone's slogan for Big Bill Thompson's anti-reform
49369 campaign for Mayor of Chicago, 1926. Big Bill won.
49372 The feeling that you've *never*, *ever* been in this situation before.
49374 Wad some power the giftie gie us
49375 To see oursels as others see us.
49378 Wagner's music is better than it sounds.
49381 Wait for that wisest of all counselors, Time.
49384 Waiter: "Tea or coffee, gentlemen?"
49385 1st customer: "I'll have tea."
49386 2nd customer: "Me, too -- and be sure the glass is clean!"
49387 (Waiter exits, returns)
49388 Waiter: "Two teas. Which one asked for the clean glass?"
49390 Wake up all you citizens, hear your country's call,
49391 Not to arms and violence, But peace for one and all.
49392 Crush out hate and prejudice, fear and greed and sin,
49393 Help bring back her dignity, restore her faith again.
49395 Work hard for a common cause, don't let our country fall.
49396 Make her proud and strong again, democracy for all.
49397 Yes, make our country strong again, keep our flag unfurled.
49398 Make our country well again, respected by the world.
49400 Make her whole and beautiful, work from sun to sun.
49401 Stand tall and labor side by side, because there's so much to be done.
49402 Yes, make her whole and beautiful, united strong and free,
49403 Wake up, all you citizens, It's up to you and me.
49404 -- Pansy Myers Schroeder
49406 Wake up and smell the coffee.
49409 Waking a person unnecessarily should not be considered
49410 a capital crime. For a first offense, that is.
49412 Walk softly and carry a big stick.
49413 -- Theodore Roosevelt
49415 Walking on water wasn't built in a day.
49418 Walt: Dad, what's gradual school?
49419 Garp: Gradual school?
49420 Walt: Yeah. Mom says her work's more fun now that she's teaching
49422 Garp: Oh. Well, gradual school is someplace you go and gradually
49423 find out that you don't want to go to school anymore.
49424 -- The World According To Garp
49427 All airline flights depart from the gates most distant from
49428 the center of the terminal. Nobody ever had a reservation
49429 on a plane that left Gate 1.
49433 Wanna tell you all a story 'bout a man named Jed,
49434 A poor mountaineer, barely kept his family fed.
49435 But then one day he was shootin' at some food,
49436 When up through the ground come a bubblin' crude -- oil, that is;
49437 black gold; 'Texas tea' ...
49439 Well the next thing ya know, old Jed's a millionaire.
49440 The kinfolk said, 'Jed, move away from there!'
49441 They said, 'Californy is the place ya oughta be',
49442 So they loaded up the truck and they moved to Beverly -- Hills, that is;
49443 swimmin' pools; movie stars.
49445 War doesn't prove who's right, just who's left.
49447 War hath no fury like a non-combatant.
49448 -- Charles Edward Montague
49450 War is an equal opportunity destroyer.
49452 War is delightful to those who have had no experience of it.
49453 -- Desiderius Erasmus
49455 War is like love, it always finds a way.
49456 -- Bertolt Brecht, "Mother Courage"
49458 War is much too serious a matter to be entrusted to the military.
49461 War spares not the brave, but the cowardly.
49465 Reading this fortune can affect the dimensionality of your
49466 mind, change the curvature of your spine, cause the growth
49467 of hair on your palms, and make a difference in the outcome
49468 of your favorite war.
49471 This system is subject to breakdowns during periods of critical need!
49472 A special circuit in the computer called a "critical detector" senses the
49473 user's emotional state in terms of how desperate they are to get their program
49474 to run. The "critical detector" then creates a bug in the program proportional
49475 to the desperation of the user. Threatening the terminal with violence only
49476 aggravates the situation, causing the program to immediately crash or the
49477 entire system to go down. Likewise, attempts to use another terminal may cause
49478 it to core dump. (They all belong to the same LAN.) Keep cool and say nice
49479 things to the terminal.
49481 Warning: Trespassers will be shot.
49482 Survivors will be shot again.
49485 This machine is subject to breakdowns during periods of critical need.
49487 A special circuit in the machine called "critical detector" senses the
49488 operator's emotional state in terms of how desperate he/she is to use the
49489 machine. The "critical detector" then creates a malfunction proportional
49490 to the desperation of the operator. Threatening the machine with violence
49491 only aggravates the situation. Likewise, attempts to use another machine
49492 may cause it to malfunction. They belong to the same union. Keep cool
49493 and say nice things to the machine. Nothing else seems to work.
49495 See also: flog(1), tm(1)
49497 Was there a time when dancers with their fiddles
49498 In children's circuses could stay their troubles?
49499 There was a time they could cry over books,
49500 But time has set its maggot on their track.
49501 Under the arc of the sky they are unsafe.
49502 What's never known is safest in this life.
49503 Under the skysigns they who have no arms
49504 Have cleanest hands, and, as the heartless ghost
49505 Alone's unhurt, so the blind man sees best.
49506 -- Dylan Thomas, "Was There A Time"
49508 Washington, D.C. Wasting your money since 1810.
49510 Washington, D.C: Fifty square miles almost completely surrounded by reality.
49512 Washington [D.C.] is a city of Southern efficiency and Northern charm.
49515 [Washington, D.C.] is the home of... taste for
49516 the people -- the big, the bland and the banal.
49517 -- Ada Louise Huxtable
49519 Wasn't there something about a PASCAL programmer
49520 knowing the value of everything and the Wirth of nothing?
49522 Waste not fresh tears over old griefs.
49525 Waste not, get your budget cut next year.
49527 Wasting time is an important part of living.
49529 Watch all-night Donna Reed reruns until your mind resembles oatmeal.
49531 Watch your mouth, kid, or you'll find yourself floating home.
49534 Water, taken in moderation cannot hurt anybody.
49538 You've read the book. You've seen the movie. Now eat the stew!
49541 The reliability of machinery is inversely proportional to the
49542 number and significance of any persons watching it.
49545 The single most important word in the world.
49547 We all agree on the necessity of compromise. We just can't agree on
49548 when it's necessary to compromise.
49551 We all declare for liberty, but in using the
49552 same word we do not all mean the same thing.
49555 We all dream of being the darling of everybody's darling.
49557 We all know that no one understands anything that isn't funny.
49559 We all like praise, but a hike in our pay is the best kind of ways.
49561 We all live in a state of ambitious poverty.
49562 -- Decimus Junius Juvenalis
49564 We all live under the same sky, but we don't all have the same horizon.
49565 -- Dr. Konrad Adenauer
49567 We are all agreed that your theory is crazy. The question which divides us is
49568 whether it is crazy enough to have a chance of being correct. My own feeling
49569 is that it is not crazy enough.
49572 We are all born charming, fresh and spontaneous and must be civilized
49573 before we are fit to participate in society.
49574 -- Judith Martin, "Miss Manners' Guide to Excruciatingly
49577 We are all born equal... just some of us are more equal than others.
49579 We are all born mad. Some remain so.
49582 We are all dying -- and we're gonna be dead for a long time.
49584 We are all in the gutter, but some of us are looking at the stars.
49587 We are all so much together and yet we are all dying of loneliness.
49590 We are all worms. But I do believe I am a glowworm.
49591 -- Winston Churchill
49593 We are anthill men upon an anthill world.
49596 We ARE as gods and might as well get good at it.
49597 -- Whole Earth Catalog
49599 We are confronted with unsurmountable opportunities.
49602 We are drowning in information but starved for knowledge.
49603 -- John Naisbitt, Megatrends
49605 We are each entitled to our own opinion, but no one is entitled to his
49607 -- Patrick Moynihan
49609 We are each only one drop in a great
49610 ocean -- but some of the drops sparkle!
49612 We are experiencing system trouble -- do not adjust your terminal.
49614 We are giving instruction to FBI agents in the various Chinese
49615 dialects ... to handle present and likely future contingencies.
49618 We are going to give a little something, a few little years more, to
49619 socialism, because socialism is defunct. It dies all by itself. The bad
49620 thing is that socialism, being a victim of its ... Did I say socialism?
49623 We are going to have peace even if we have to fight for it.
49624 -- Dwight D. Eisenhower
49626 We are Microsoft. Unix is irrelevant.
49627 Openness is futile. Prepare to be assimilated.
49629 We are not a clone.
49631 We are not a loved organization, but we are a respected one.
49636 We are not loved by our friends for what we are;
49637 rather, we are loved in spite of what we are.
49640 We are preparing to think about contemplating preliminary work on plans to
49641 develop a schedule for producing the 10th Edition of the Unix Programmers
49645 We are simple killers of people and destroyers of property.
49647 We are so fond of each other because our ailments are the same.
49650 We are sorry. We cannot complete your call as dialed. Please check
49651 the number and dial again or ask your operator for assistance.
49653 This is a recording.
49655 We are stronger than our skin of flesh and metal, for we carry and
49656 share a spectrum of suns and lands that lends us legends as we craft
49657 our immortality and interweave our destinies of water and air,
49658 leaving shadows that gather color of their own, until they outshine
49659 the substance that cast them.
49661 We are the people our parents warned us about.
49663 We are the unwilling... led by the unqualified...
49664 to do the unnecessary... for the ungrateful...
49665 -- GI in Vietnam, 1970
49667 We are what we are.
49669 We are what we pretend to be.
49670 -- Kurt Vonnegut, Jr.
49672 We can defeat gravity. The problem is the paperwork involved.
49674 We can embody the truth, but we cannot know it.
49677 We can found no scientific discipline, nor a healthy profession on the
49678 technical mistakes of the Department of Defense and IBM.
49679 -- Edsger W. Dijkstra
49681 We cannot command nature except by obeying her.
49682 -- Sir Francis Bacon
49684 We cannot do everything at once, but we can do something at once.
49687 We could do that, but it would be wrong, that's for sure.
49690 We could nuke Baghdad into glass, wipe it with Windex, tie fatback on our
49691 feet and go skating.
49692 -- Fred Reed, Air Force Times columnist.
49694 We dedicate this book to our fellow citizens who, for love of truth,
49695 take from their own wants by taxes and gifts, and now and then send
49696 forth one of themselves as dedicated servant, to forward the search
49697 into the mysteries and marvelous simplicities of this strange and
49698 beautiful Universe, Our home.
49699 -- "Gravitation", Misner, Thorne, and Wheeler
49701 We don't believe in rheumatism and true love until after the first attack.
49702 -- Marie Ebner von Eschenbach
49704 We don't care. We don't have to. We're the Phone Company.
49706 We don't care how they do it in New York.
49708 We don't have to protect the environment -- the Second Coming is at hand.
49709 -- James Watt, noted theologian
49711 We don't know one millionth of one percent about anything.
49713 We don't know who discovered water, but we're certain it wasn't a fish.
49715 We don't know who it was that discovered water, but we're pretty sure
49716 that it wasn't a fish.
49717 -- Marshall McLuhan
49719 We don't like their sound. Groups of guitars are on the way out.
49720 -- Decca Recording Company, turning down the Beatles, 1962
49722 We don't need no education, we don't need no thought control.
49725 We don't need no indirection We don't need no compilation
49726 We don't need no flow control We don't need no load control
49727 No data typing or declarations No link edit for external bindings
49728 Hey! did you leave the lists alone? Hey! did you leave that source alone?
49730 Oh No. It's just a pure LISP function call.
49732 We don't need no side-effecting We don't need no allocation
49733 We don't need no flow control We don't need no special-nodes
49734 No global variables for execution No dark bit-flipping for debugging
49735 Hey! did you leave the args alone? Hey! did you leave those bits alone?
49737 -- "Another Glitch in the Call", a la Pink Floyd
49739 We don't really understand it, so we'll give it to the programmers.
49741 We don't smoke and we don't chew, and we don't go with girls that do.
49744 We don't understand the software, and sometimes we don't
49745 understand the hardware, but we can *see* the blinking lights!
49747 We found on St. Paul's only two kinds of birds -- the booby and the noddy...
49748 Both are of a tame and stupid disposition, and are so unaccustomed to
49749 visitors, that I could have killed any number of them with my geological
49753 We give advice, but we cannot give the wisdom to profit by it.
49754 -- La Rochefoucauld
49756 We gotta get out of this place,
49757 If it's the last thing we ever do.
49760 We have a equal opportunity Calculus class -- it's fully integrated.
49762 We have art that we do not die of the truth.
49765 We have ears, earther...FOUR OF THEM!
49767 We have gone on piling weapon upon weapon, missile upon missile, new
49768 levels of destructiveness upon old ones. We have done this helplessly,
49769 almost involuntarily: like the victims of some sort of hypnotism, like
49770 men in a dream, like lemmings heading for the sea, like the children of
49771 Hamelin marching blindly along behind their Pied Piper. And the result
49772 is that today we have achieved, we and the Russians together, in the
49773 creation of these devices and their means of delivery, levels of
49774 redundancy of such grotesque dimensions as to defy rational understanding.
49775 -- George Kennan, May 19, 1981
49777 We have lingered long enough on the shores of the Cosmic Ocean.
49780 We have met the enemy, and he is us.
49783 We have more to fear from the bungling of the incompetent
49784 than from the machinations of the wicked.
49786 We have no scorched earth policy.
49787 We have a policy of scorched Communists.
49788 -- General Efrain Rios Montt, President of Guatemala, 1982
49790 We have not inherited the earth from our parents, we've borrowed it from
49793 We have nowhere else to go... this is all we have.
49796 We have reason to be afraid. This is a terrible place.
49799 We have seen the light at the end of the tunnel, and it's out.
49801 We have the flu. I don't know if this particular strain has an official
49802 name, but if it does, it must be something like "Martian Death Flu". You
49803 may have had it yourself. The main symptom is that you wish you had another
49804 setting on your electric blanket, up past "HIGH", that said "ELECTROCUTION".
49805 Another symptom is that you cease brushing your teeth, because (a)
49806 your teeth hurt, and (b) you lack the strength. Midway through the brushing
49807 process, you'd have to lie down in front of the sink to rest for a couple
49808 of hours, and rivulets of toothpaste foam would dribble sideways out of your
49809 mouth, eventually hardening into crusty little toothpaste stalagmites that
49810 would bond your head permanently to the bathroom floor, which is how the
49811 police would find you.
49812 You know the kind of flu I'm talking about.
49815 We interrupt this fortune for an important announcement...
49817 "We invented a new protocol and called it Kermit, after Kermit the Frog,
49818 star of "The Muppet Show." [3]
49820 [3] Why? Mostly because there was a Muppets calendar on the wall when we
49821 were trying to think of a name, and Kermit is a pleasant, unassuming sort of
49822 character. But since we weren't sure whether it was OK to name our protocol
49823 after this popular television and movie star, we pretended that KERMIT was an
49824 acronym; unfortunately, we could never find a good set of words to go with the
49825 letters, as readers of some of our early source code can attest. Later, while
49826 looking through a name book for his forthcoming baby, Bill Catchings noticed
49827 that "Kermit" was a Celtic word for "free", which is what all Kermit programs
49828 should be, and words to this effect replaced the strained acronyms in our
49829 source code (Bill's baby turned out to be a girl, so he had to name her Becky
49830 instead). When BYTE Magazine was preparing our 1984 Kermit article for
49831 publication, they suggested we contact Henson Associates Inc. for permission
49832 to say that we did indeed name the protocol after Kermit the Frog. Permission
49833 was kindly granted, and now the real story can be told. I resisted the
49834 temptation, however, to call the present work "Kermit the Book."
49835 -- Frank da Cruz, "Kermit - A File Transfer Protocol"
49837 We is confronted with insurmountable opportunities.
49838 -- Walt Kelly, "Pogo"
49840 We know next to nothing about virtually everything. It is not necessary
49841 to know the origin of the universe; it is necessary to want to know.
49842 Civilization depends not on any particular knowledge, but on the disposition
49843 to crave knowledge.
49846 We laugh at the Indian philosopher, who to account for the support
49847 of the earth, contrived the hypothesis of a huge elephant, and to support
49848 the elephant, a huge tortoise. If we will candidly confess the truth, we
49849 know as little of the operation of the nerves, as he did of the manner in
49850 which the earth is supported: and our hypothesis about animal spirits, or
49851 about the tension and vibrations of the nerves, are as like to be true, as
49852 his about the support of the earth. His elephant was a hypothesis, and our
49853 hypotheses are elephants. Every theory in philosophy, which is built on
49854 pure conjecture, is an elephant; and every theory that is supported partly
49855 by fact, and partly by conjecture, is like Nebuchadnezzar's image, whose
49856 feet were partly of iron, and partly of clay.
49857 -- Thomas Reid, "An Inquiry into the Human Mind", 1764
49859 We lie loudest when we lie to ourselves.
49862 We love our little Johnny
49863 He's the best little boy in all the world
49864 And we wouldn't trade him for anything
49865 That's how much we love him.
49866 No, we couldn't live without him
49867 So that's why, since he died,
49868 We keep him safe in our G.E. freezer.
49869 He's so good, so well-behaved,
49870 Even better than before;
49871 Oh, such a wonderful kid he is.
49872 Alice and me, we'll never be lonely,
49873 Never miss our little Johnny,
49874 He'll never grow up and leave us
49875 That's why we love him like we do.
49878 "We maintain that the very foundation of our way of life is what we call
49879 free enterprise," said Cash McCall, "but when one of our citizens
49880 show enough free enterprise to pile up a little of that profit, we do
49881 our best to make him feel that he ought to be ashamed of himself."
49884 We may eventually come to realize that chastity is no more a virtue
49888 We may hope that machines will eventually compete with men in all purely
49889 intellectual fields. But which are the best ones to start with? Many people
49890 think that a very abstract activity, like the playing of chess, would be
49891 best. It can also be maintained that it is best to provide the machine with
49892 the best sense organs that money can buy, and then teach it to understand
49896 We may not be able to persuade Hindus that Jesus and not Vishnu should govern
49897 their spiritual horizon, nor Moslems that Lord Buddha is at the center of
49898 their spiritual universe, nor Hebrews that Mohammed is a major prophet, nor
49899 Christians that Shinto best expresses their spiritual concerns, to say
49900 nothing of the fact that we may not be able to get Christians to agree among
49901 themselves about their relationship to God. But all will agree on a
49902 proposition that they possess profound spiritual resources. If, in addition,
49903 we can get them to accept the further proposition that whatever form the
49904 Deity may have in their own theology, the Deity is not only external, but
49905 internal and acts through them, and they themselves give proof or disproof
49906 of the Deity in what they do and think; if this further proposition can be
49907 accepted, then we come that much closer to a truly religious situation on
49909 -- Norman Cousins, from his book "Human Options"
49911 We may not like doctors, but at least they doctor. Bankers are not ever
49912 popular but at least they bank. Policeman police and undertakers take
49913 under. But lawyers do not give us law. We receive not the gladsome light
49914 of jurisprudence, but rather precedents, objections, appeals, stays,
49915 filings and forms, motions and counter-motions, all at $250 an hour.
49916 -- Nolo News, summer 1989
49918 We may not return the affection of those who like us,
49919 but we always respect their good judgement.
49921 ...we must be wary of granting too much power to natural selection
49922 by viewing all basic capacities of our brain as direct adaptations.
49923 I do not doubt that natural selection acted in building our oversized
49924 brains -- and I am equally confidant that our brains became large as
49925 an adaptation for definite roles (probably a complex set of interacting
49926 functions). But these assumptions do not lead to the notion, often
49927 uncritically embraced by strict Darwinians, that all major capacities
49928 of the brain must arise as direct products of natural selection.
49929 -- S.J. Gould, "The Mismeasure of Man"
49931 We must believe that it is the darkest before the dawn
49932 of a beautiful new world. We will see it when we believe it.
49935 We must die because we have known them.
49936 -- Ptah-hotep, 2000 B.C.
49938 We must finish once and for all with the neutrality of chess. We must
49939 condemn once and for all the formula 'chess for the sake of chess,' like
49940 the formula 'art for art's sake.' We must organize shock-brigades of
49941 chess-play ers, and begin the immediate realization of a Five-Year Plan
49943 -- Nikolai V. Krylenko, People's Commissar for Justice
49944 (of RFSFR, later of USSR), speaking at a 1932 Congress
49945 of Chess Players, as quoted in Boris Souvarine's
49946 "Stalin," published London, 1939
49948 ...we must not judge the society of the future by considering whether or not
49949 we should like to live in it; the question is whether those who have grown up
49950 in it will be happier than those who have grown up in our society or those of
49952 -- Joseph Wood Krutch
49954 We must remember that in time of war what is said on the enemy's side of
49955 the front is always propaganda and what is said on our side of the front
49956 is truth and righteousness, the cause of humanity and a crusade for peace.
49959 We must remember the First Amendment which
49960 protects any shrill jackass no matter how self-seeking.
49963 We must respect the other fellow's religion, but only in the sense and to
49964 the extent that we respect his theory that his wife is beautiful and his
49966 -- H.L. Mencken, "Minority Report"
49968 We only acknowledge small faults in order
49969 to make it appear that we are free from great ones.
49970 -- LaRouchefoucauld
49972 We prefer to believe that the absence of inverted commas guarantees the
49973 originality of a thought, whereas it may be merely that the utterer has
49974 forgotten its source.
49975 -- Clifton Fadiman, "Any Number Can Play"
49977 We prefer to speak evil of ourselves
49978 rather than not speak of ourselves at all.
49980 We promise according to our hopes, and perform according to our fears.
49982 We rarely find anyone who can say he has lived a happy life, and who,
49983 content with his life, can retire from the world like a satisfied guest.
49984 -- Quintus Horatius Flaccus (Horace)
49986 We read to say that we have read.
49988 We really don't have any enemies.
49989 It's just that some of our best friends are trying to kill us.
49991 We secure our friends not by accepting favors but by doing them.
49994 We seldom repent talking too little, but very often talking too much.
49995 -- Jean de la Bruyere
49997 We should be careful to get out of an experience only the wisdom that is
49998 in it - and stay there, lest we be like the cat that sits down on a hot
49999 stove-lid. She will never sit down on a hot stove-lid again - and that
50000 is well; but also she will never sit down on a cold one any more.
50003 We should be glad we're living in the time that we are. If any of us had been
50004 born into a more enlightened age, I'm sure we would have immediately been taken
50008 We should have a great many fewer disputes in the world if only words were
50009 taken for what they are, the signs of our ideas only, and not for things
50013 We should have a Vollyballocracy. We elect a six-pack of presidents.
50014 Each one serves until they screw up, at which point they rotate.
50017 We should keep the Panama Canal. After all, we stole it fair and square.
50020 We should realize that a city is better off with bad laws, so long as they
50021 remain fixed, then with good laws that are constantly being altered, that
50022 the lack of learning combined with sound common sense is more helpful than
50023 the kind of cleverness that gets out of hand, and that as a general rule,
50024 states are better governed by the man in the street than by intellectuals.
50025 These are the sort of people who want to appear wiser than the laws, who
50026 want to get their own way in every general discussion, because they feel that
50027 they cannot show off their intelligence in matters of greater importance, and
50028 who, as a result, very often bring ruin on their country.
50029 -- Cleon, Thucydides, III, 37 translation by Rex Warner
50031 We the unwilling, led by the ungrateful, are doing the impossible.
50032 We've done so much, for so long, with so little,
50033 that we are now qualified to do something with nothing.
50035 We the Users, in order to form a more perfect system, establish priorities,
50036 ensure connective tranquility, provide for common repairs, promote
50037 preventive maintenance, and secure the blessings of liberty for ourselves
50038 and our processes, do ordain and establish this Software of The Unixed States
50041 We thrive on euphemism. We call multi-megaton bombs "Peace-keepers", closet
50042 size apartments "efficient" and incomprehensible artworks "innovative". In
50043 fact, "euphemism" has become a euphemism for "bald-faced lie". And now, here
50044 are the euphemisms so colorfully employed in Personal Ads:
50047 ------------------- -------------------------
50048 Excited about life's journey No concept of reality
50049 Spiritually evolved Oversensitive
50050 Moody Manic-depressive
50051 Soulful Quiet manic-depressive
50052 Poet Boring manic-depressive
50053 Sultry/Sensual Easy
50054 Uninhibited Lacking basic social skills
50055 Unaffected and earthy Slob and lacking basic social skills
50056 Irreverent Nasty and lacking basic social skills
50057 Very human Quasimodo's best friend
50058 Swarthy Sweaty even when cold or standing still
50059 Spontaneous/Eclectic Scatterbrained
50061 Aging child Self-centered adult
50062 Youthful Over 40 and trying to deny it
50063 Good sense of humor Watches a lot of television
50065 We thrive on euphemism. We call multi-megaton bombs "Peace-keepers", closet
50066 size apartments "efficient" and incomprehensible artworks "innovative". In
50067 fact, "euphemism" has become a euphemism for "bald-faced lie". And now, here
50068 are the euphemisms so colorfully employed in Personal Ads:
50071 ------------------- -------------------------
50072 Independent thinker Crazy
50073 High spirited Crazy and hyperactive
50074 Free spirited Crazy and irresponsible
50075 Outrageous Crazy and obnoxious
50076 Exotic Crazy with a pierced nose/nipple
50078 Huggable/Zaftig/Rubenesque Fat (there's a lot to love)
50079 Big and beautiful Really Fat
50080 Fat 'n' sassy Really Fat and loud
50081 Svelte/Slender Anorexic
50083 Assertive Pushy with a mean streak
50084 Feisty/Ambitious Would kill own mother for next corporate rung
50085 Demanding Will make your life a living hell
50086 Looking for Mr./Ms. Right Looking for Mr./Ms. Rich
50088 We totally deny the allegations, and
50089 we're trying to identify the allegators.
50091 We tried to close Ohio's borders and ran into a Constitutional problem.
50092 There's a provision in the Constitution that says you can't close your
50093 borders to interstate commerce, and garbage is a form of interstate commerce.
50094 -- Ohio Lt. Governor Paul Leonard
50096 [We] use bad software and bad machines for the wrong things.
50099 We warn the reader in advance that the proof presented here
50100 depends on a clever but highly unmotivated trick.
50101 -- Howard Anton, "Elementary Linear Algebra"
50103 We was playin' the Homestead Grays in the city of Pitchburgh. Josh
50104 [Gibson] comes up in the last of the ninth with a man on and us a run
50105 behind. Well, he hit one. The Grays waited around and waited around,
50106 but finally the empire rules it ain't comin' down. So we win. The
50107 next day, we was disputin' the Grays in Philadelphia when here come
50108 a ball outta the sky right in the glove of the Grays' center fielder.
50109 The empire made the only possible call. "You're out, boy!" he says
50110 to Josh. "Yesterday, in Pitchburgh."
50113 We were happily married for eight months. Unfortunately, we
50114 were married for four and a half years.
50117 We were so poor that we thought new clothes meant someone had died.
50119 We were so poor we couldn't afford a watchdog.
50120 If we heard a noise at night, we'd bark ourselves.
50123 We were young and our happiness dazzled us with its strength. But there was
50124 also a terrible betrayal that lay within me like a Merle Haggard song at a
50125 French restaurant. [...]
50126 I could not tell the girl about the woman of the tollway, of her milk
50127 white BMW and her Jordache smile. There had been a fight. I had punched her
50128 boyfriend, who fought the mechanical bulls. Everyone told him, "You ride the
50129 bull, senor. You do not fight it." But he was lean and tough like a bad
50130 rib-eye and he fought the bull. And then he fought me. And when we finished
50131 there were no winners, just men doing what men must do. [...]
50132 "Stop the car," the girl said.
50133 There was a look of terrible sadness in her eyes. She knew about the
50134 woman of the tollway. I knew not how. I started to speak, but she raised an
50135 arm and spoke with a quiet and peace I will never forget.
50136 "I do not ask for whom's the tollway belle," she said, "the tollway
50138 The next morning our youth was a memory, and our happiness was a lie.
50139 Life is like a bad margarita with good tequila, I thought as I poured whiskey
50140 onto my granola and faced a new day.
50141 -- Peter Applebome, International Imitation Hemingway
50144 We who revel in nature's diversity and feel instructed by every animal
50145 tend to brand Homo sapiens as the greatest catastrophe since the Cretaceous
50149 We will have solar energy as soon as the utility companies solve
50150 one technical problem -- how to run a sunbeam through a meter.
50152 we will invent new lullabies, new songs, new acts of love,
50153 we will cry over things we used to laugh &
50154 our new wisdom will bring tears to eyes of gentle
50155 creatures from other planets who were afraid of us till then &
50156 in the end a summer with wild winds &
50157 new friends will be.
50159 We wish you a Hare Krishna
50160 We wish you a Hare Krishna
50161 We wish you a Hare Krishna
50162 And a Sun Myung Moon!
50166 An index of the lack of development of a culture.
50168 Wedding is destiny, and hanging likewise.
50172 A ceremony at which two persons undertake to become one, one
50173 undertakes to become nothing and nothing undertakes to become
50177 Wedding rings are the world's smallest handcuffs.
50180 Never ask two questions in a business letter.
50181 The reply will discuss the one in which you are
50182 least interested and say nothing about the other.
50184 Weekend, where are you?
50187 Nothing is impossible to a person who doesn't have to do the work.
50189 Weinberg, as a young grocery clerk, advised the grocery manager to get
50190 rid of rutabagas which nobody every bought. He did so. "Well, kid, that
50191 was a great idea," said the manager. Then he paused and asked the killer
50192 question, "NOW what's the least popular vegetable?"
50194 Law: Once you eliminate your #1 problem, #2 gets a promotion.
50195 -- Gerald Weinberg, "The Secrets of Consulting"
50197 Weinberg's First Law:
50198 Progress is only made on alternate Fridays.
50200 Weinberg's Principle:
50201 An expert is a person who avoids the small errors while sweeping
50202 on to the grand fallacy.
50204 Weinberg's Second Law:
50205 If builders built buildings the way programmers wrote programs,
50206 then the first woodpecker that came along would destroy civilization.
50208 Weiner's Law of Libraries:
50209 There are no answers, only cross references.
50211 Welcome thy neighbor into thy fallout shelter.
50212 He'll come in handy if you run out of food.
50213 -- Dean McLaughlin.
50215 Welcome to boggle - do you want instructions?
50227 Welcome to Lake Wobegon, where all the men are strong,
50228 The women are pretty, and the children are above-average.
50229 -- Garrison Keillor
50231 Welcome to the Zoo!
50233 Welcome to UNIX! Enjoy your session! Have a great time! Note the
50234 use of exclamation points! They are a very effective method for
50235 demonstrating excitement, and can also spice up an otherwise plain-looking
50236 sentence! However, there are drawbacks! Too much unnecessary exclaiming
50237 can lead to a reduction in the effect that an exclamation point has on
50238 the reader! For example, the sentence
50240 Jane went to the store to buy bread
50242 should only be ended with an exclamation point if there is something
50243 sensational about her going to the store, for example, if Jane is a
50244 cocker spaniel or if Jane is on a diet that doesn't allow bread or if
50245 Jane doesn't exist for some reason! See how easy it is?! Proper control
50246 of exclamation points can add new meaning to your life! Call now to receive
50247 my free pamphlet, "The Wonder and Mystery of the Exclamation Point!"!
50248 Enclose fifteen(!) dollars for postage and handling! Operators are
50249 standing by! (Which is pretty amazing, because they're all cocker spaniels!)
50252 If you think our liquor laws are funny, you should see our underwear!
50254 Well, anyway, I was reading this James Bond book, and right away I realized
50255 that like most books, it had too many words. The plot was the same one that
50256 all James Bond books have: An evil person tries to blow up the world, but
50257 James Bond kills him and his henchmen and makes love to several attractive
50258 women. There, that's it: 24 words. But the guy who wrote the book took
50259 *thousands* of words to say it.
50260 Or consider "The Brothers Karamazov", by the famous Russian alcoholic
50261 Fyodor Dostoyevsky. It's about these two brothers who kill their father.
50262 Or maybe only one of them kills the father. It's impossible to tell because
50263 what they mostly do is talk for nearly a thousand pages.If all Russians talk
50264 as much as the Karamazovs did, I don't see how they found time to become a
50266 I'm told that Dostoyevsky wrote "The Brothers Karamazov" to raise
50267 the question of whether there is a God. So why didn't he just come right
50268 out and say: "Is there a God? It sure beats the heck out of me."
50269 Other famous works could easily have been summarized in a few words:
50271 * "Moby Dick" -- Don't mess around with large whales because they symbolize
50272 nature and will kill you.
50273 * "A Tale of Two Cities" -- French people are crazy.
50276 We'll be recording at the Paradise Friday
50277 night. Live, on the Death label.
50278 -- Swan, "Phantom of the Paradise"
50280 Well begun is half done.
50283 We'll cross that bridge when we come back to it later.
50285 Well, didja wake up grouchy or did you let her sleep?
50287 Well, don't worry about it... It's nothing.
50288 -- Lieutenant Kermit Tyler (Duty Officer of Shafter Information
50289 Center, Hawaii), upon being informed that Private Joseph
50290 Lockard had picked up a radar signal of what appeared to be
50291 at least 50 planes soaring toward Oahu at almost 180 miles
50292 per hour, December 7, 1941.
50294 Well, fancy giving money to the Government!
50295 Might as well have put it down the drain.
50296 Fancy giving money to the Government!
50297 Nobody will see the stuff again.
50298 Well, they've no idea what money's for --
50299 Ten to one they'll start another war.
50300 I've heard a lot of silly things, but, Lor'!
50301 Fancy giving money to the Government!
50304 We'll have solar energy when the power companies develop a sunbeam meter.
50306 Well, he didn't know what to do, so he decided to look at the government,
50307 to see what they did, and scale it down and run his life that way.
50310 Well, here it is, 1983, so it won't be long before you start reading a lot
50311 of boring stories about people like Vance Hartke. Hartke is a governor or
50312 mayor or something from one of the flatter states, and the reason you'll be
50313 reading about him is that he's one of the 50 top contenders for the 1984
50314 Democratic presidential nomination. These men will spend the next 18 months
50315 going around the country engaging in the most degrading activities imaginable,
50316 such as wearing idiot hats and appearing on "Meet the Press". "Meet the
50317 Press" is one of those Sunday morning public interest shows that the public
50318 is not the least bit interested in. It features a panel of reporters who
50319 ask questions of a guest politician, who wins an Amana home freezer if he
50320 can get through the entire show without answering a single question.
50323 Well I looked at my watch and it said a quarter to five,
50324 The headline screamed that I was still alive,
50325 I couldn't understand it, I thought I died last night.
50326 I dreamed I'd been in a border town,
50327 In a little cantina that the boys had found,
50328 I was desperate to dance, just to dig the local sounds.
50329 When along came a senorita,
50330 She looked so good that I had to meet her,
50331 I was ready to approach her with my English charm,
50332 When her brass knuckled boyfriend grabbed me by the arm,
50333 And he said, grow some funk of your own, amigo,
50334 Grow some funk of your own.
50335 We no like to with the gringo fight,
50336 But there might be a death in Mexico tonite.
50338 Take my advice, take the next flight,
50339 And grow some funk, grow your funk at home.
50340 -- Elton John, "Grow Some Funk of Your Own"
50342 Well, I would -- if they realized that we -- again if -- if we led them
50343 back to that stalemate only because our retaliatory power, our seconds,
50344 or strike at them after our first strike, would be so destructive they
50345 they couldn't afford it, that would hold them off.
50346 -- Ronald Reagan, on the MX missile
50348 Well, if you can't believe what you read
50349 in a comic book, what *can* you believe?
50350 -- Bullwinkle J. Moose
50352 Well, I'm disenchanted too. We're all disenchanted.
50355 Well, it's hard for a mere man to believe that woman doesn't have equal
50357 -- Dwight D. Eisenhower
50359 Well, Jim, I'm not much of an actor either.
50361 We'll know that rock is dead when you have to get a degree to work in it.
50363 WE'LL LOOK INTO IT:
50364 By the time the wheels make a full turn, we
50365 assume you will have forgotten about it,too.
50367 Well, my daddy left home when I was three,
50368 And he didn't leave much for Ma and me,
50369 Just and old guitar an'a empty bottle of booze.
50370 Now I don't blame him 'cause he ran and hid,
50371 But the meanest thing that he ever did,
50372 Was before he left he went and named me Sue.
50374 But I made me a vow to the moon and the stars,
50375 I'd search the honkey tonks and the bars,
50376 And kill the man that give me that awful name.
50377 It was Gatlinburg in mid-July,
50378 I'd just hit town and my throat was dry,
50379 Thought I'd stop and have myself a brew,
50380 At an old saloon on a street of mud,
50381 Sitting at a table, dealing stud,
50382 Sat that dirty (bleep) that named me Sue.
50384 Now, I knew that snake was my own sweet Dad,
50385 From a worn-out picture that my Mother had,
50386 And I knew that scar on his cheek and his evil eye...
50387 -- Johnny Cash, "A Boy Named Sue"
50389 Well, my terminal's locked up, and I ain't got any Mail,
50390 And I can't recall the last time that my program didn't fail;
50391 I've got stacks in my structs, I've got arrays in my queues,
50392 I've got the : Segmentation violation -- Core dumped blues.
50394 If you think that it's nice that you get what you C,
50395 Then go : illogical statement with your whole family,
50396 'Cause the Supreme Court ain't the only place with : Bus error views.
50397 I've got the : Segmentation violation -- Core dumped blues.
50399 On a PDP-11, life should be a breeze,
50400 But with VAXen in the house even magnetic tapes would freeze.
50401 Now you might think that unlike VAXen I'd know who I abuse,
50402 I've got the : Segmentation violation -- Core dumped blues.
50403 -- Core Dumped Blues
50405 We'll pivot at warp 2 and bring all tubes to bear, Mr. Sulu!
50407 Well, some take delight in the carriages a-rolling,
50408 And some take delight in the hurling and the bowling,
50409 But I take delight in the juice of the barley,
50410 And courting pretty fair maids in the morning bright and early.
50412 Well thaaaaaaat's okay.
50414 Well, the handwriting is on the floor.
50417 We'll try to cooperate fully with the IRS, because, as citizens,
50418 we feel a strong patriotic duty not to go to jail.
50421 Well, we'll really have a party,
50422 but we've gotta post a guard outside.
50423 -- Eddie Cochran, "Come On Everybody"
50425 "Well, well, well! Well if it isn't fat stinking billy goat Billy Boy in
50426 poison! How art thou, thou globby bottle of cheap stinking chip oil? Come
50427 and get one in the yarbles, if ya have any yarble, ya eunuch jelly thou!"
50428 -- Alex in "Clockwork Orange"
50430 Well, we're big rock singers, we've got golden fingers,
50431 And we're loved everywhere we go.
50432 We sing about beauty, and we sing about truth,
50433 At ten thousand dollars a show.
50434 We take all kind of pills to give us all kind of thrills,
50435 But the thrill we've never known,
50436 Is the thrill that'll get'cha, when you get your picture,
50437 On the cover of the Rolling Stone.
50439 I got a freaky old lady, name of Cole King Katie,
50440 Who embroiders on my jeans.
50441 I got my poor old gray-haired daddy,
50442 Drivin' my limousine.
50443 Now it's all designed, to blow our minds,
50444 But our minds won't be really be blown;
50445 Like the blow that'll get'cha, when you get your picture,
50446 On the cover of the Rolling Stone.
50448 We got a lot of little, teen-aged, blue-eyed groupies,
50449 Who'll do anything we say.
50450 We got a genuine Indian guru, that's teachin' us a better way.
50451 We got all the friends that money can buy,
50452 So we never have to be alone.
50453 And we keep gettin' richer, but we can't get our picture,
50454 On the cover of the Rolling Stone.
50455 -- Dr. Hook and the Medicine Show
50456 [As a note, they eventually DID make the cover of RS. Ed.]
50458 "Well, we've come full circle, Lord; I'd like to think there's some
50459 higher meaning to all this. It would certainly reflect well on you."
50461 Well, you know, no matter where you go, there you are.
50465 The ability to play bridge or golf as if they were games.
50486 -- "Alliance Airport, from The Poetry Of H. Ross Perot,
50487 recited on ABC's Town Meeting, June 29, 1992.
50488 From SPY Magazine, November 1992
50490 We're all in this alone.
50493 We're constantly being bombarded by insulting and humiliating music, which
50494 people are making for you the way they make those Wonder Bread products.
50495 Just as food can be bad for your system, music can be bad for your spirtual
50496 and emotional feelings. It might taste good or clever, but in the long run,
50497 it's not going to do anything for you.
50498 -- Bob Dylan, "LA Times", September 5, 1984
50500 We're fantastically incredibly sorry for all these extremely unreasonable
50501 things we did. I can only plead that my simple, barely-sentient friend
50502 and myself are underprivileged, deprived and also college students.
50503 -- Waldo D.R. Dobbs
50505 We're happy little Vegemites,
50506 As bright as bright can be.
50507 We all all enjoy our Vegemite
50508 For breakfast, lunch and tea.
50510 Were it not for the presence of the unwashed and the half-educated, the
50511 formless, queer and incomplete, the unreasonable and absurd, the infinite
50512 shapes of the delightful human tadpole, the horizon would not wear so wide
50514 -- F.M. Colby, "Imaginary Obligations"
50516 We're Knights of the Round Table
50517 We dance whene'er we're able
50518 We do routines and chorus scenes We're knights of the Round Table
50519 With footwork impeccable Our shows are formidable
50520 We dine well here in Camelot But many times
50521 We eat ham and jam and Spam a lot. We're given rhymes
50522 That are quite unsingable
50523 In war we're tough and able, We're opera mad in Camelot
50524 Quite indefatigable We sing from the diaphragm a lot.
50527 And impersonate Clark Gable
50528 It's a busy life in Camelot.
50529 I have to push the pram a lot.
50532 We're living in a golden age. All you need is gold.
50535 We're mortal -- which is to say, we're ignorant, stupid, and sinful --
50536 but those are only handicaps. Our pride is that nevertheless, now and
50537 then, we do our best. A few times we succeed. What more dare we ask for?
50540 "We're not talking about the same thing," he said. "For you the world is
50541 weird because if you're not bored with it you're at odds with it. For me
50542 the world is weird because it is stupendous, awesome, mysterious,
50543 unfathomable; my interest has been to convince you that you must accept
50544 responsibility for being here, in this marvelous world, in this marvelous
50545 desert, in this marvelous time. I wanted to convince you that you must
50546 learn to make every act count, since you are going to be here for only a
50547 short while, in fact, too short for witnessing all the marvels of it."
50550 We're only in it for the volume.
50553 Were there no women, men might live like gods.
50556 Wernher von Braun settled for a V-2 when he coulda had a V-8.
50558 Westheimer's Discovery:
50559 A couple of months in the laboratory can
50560 frequently save a couple of hours in the library.
50563 Assumption is the mother of all screw-ups.
50565 We've tried each spinning space mote
50566 And reckoned its true worth:
50567 Take us back again to the homes of men
50568 On the cool, green hills of Earth.
50570 The arching sky is calling
50571 Spacemen back to their trade.
50572 All hands! Standby! Free falling!
50573 And the lights below us fade.
50574 Out ride the sons of Terra,
50575 Far drives the thundering jet,
50576 Up leaps the race of Earthmen,
50577 Out, far, and onward yet--
50579 We pray for one last landing
50580 On the globe that gave us birth;
50581 Let us rest our eyes on the fleecy skies
50582 And the cool, green hills of Earth.
50583 -- Robert A. Heinlein, 1941
50585 Wharbat darbid yarbou sarbay?
50590 What a bonanza! An unknown beginner to be directed by Lubitsch, in a script
50591 by Wilder and Brackett, and to play with Paramount's two superstars, Gary
50592 Cooper and Claudette Colbert, and to be beaten up by both of them!
50593 -- David Niven, "Bring On the Empty Horses"
50595 What a misfortune to be a woman! And yet, the worst misfortune is not to
50596 understand what a misfortune it is.
50597 -- Kierkegaard, 1813-1855.
50599 What a strange game. The only winning move is not to play.
50600 -- WOP, "War Games"
50602 What, after all, is a halo? It's only one more thing to keep clean.
50605 What an artist dies with me!
50608 What an author likes to write most is his signature on the
50612 What awful irony is this?
50613 We are as gods, but know it not.
50615 What causes the mysterious death of everyone?
50617 What color is a chameleon on a mirror?
50619 What did ya do with your burder and your cross?
50620 Did you carry it yourself or did you cry?
50621 You and I know that a burden and a cross,
50622 Can only be carried on one man's back.
50623 -- Louden Wainwright III
50625 What did you bring that book I didn't want
50626 to be read to out of about Down Under up for?
50628 What did you do when the ship sank?
50629 I grabbed a cake of soap and washed myself ashore.
50631 What do I consider a reasonable person to be? I'd say a reasonable person
50632 is one who accepts that we are all human and therefore fallible, and takes
50633 that into account when dealing with others. Implicit in this definition is
50634 the belief that it is the right and the responsibility of each person to
50635 live his or her own life as he or she sees fit, to respect this right in
50636 others, and to demand the assumption of this responsibility by others.
50638 What do you give a man who has everything? Penicillin.
50641 What do you have when you have six lawyers buried up to their necks in sand?
50644 What does education often do?
50645 It makes a straight cut ditch of a free meandering brook.
50646 -- Henry David Thoreau
50648 What does it mean if there is no fortune for you?
50650 What does it take for Americans to do great things; to go to the moon, to
50651 win wars, to dig canals linking oceans, to build railroads across a continent?
50652 In independent thought about this question, Neil Armstrong and I concluded
50653 that it takes a coincidence of four conditions, or in Neil's view, the
50654 simultaneous peaking of four of the many cycles of American life. First, a
50655 base of technology must exist from which to do the thing to be done. Second,
50656 a period of national uneasiness about America's place in the scheme of human
50657 activities must exist. Third, some catalytic event must occur that focuses
50658 the national attention upon the direction to proceed. Finally, an articulate
50659 and wise leader must sense these first three conditions and put forth with
50660 words and action the great thing to be accomplished. The motivation of young
50661 Americans to do what needs to be done flows from such a coincidence of
50662 conditions. ... The Thomas Jeffersons, The Teddy Roosevelts, The John
50663 Kennedys appear. We must begin to create the tools of leadership which they,
50664 and their young frontiersmen, will require to lead us onward and upward.
50665 -- Dr. Harrison H. Schmidt
50667 What does not destroy me, makes me stronger.
50670 What ever happened to happily ever after?
50672 What excuses stand in your way? How can you eliminate them?
50675 What foods these morsels be!
50677 What fools these morals be!
50679 What fools these mortals be.
50680 -- Lucius Annaeus Seneca
50682 What garlic is to salad, insanity is to art.
50684 What goes up must come down. But don't expect it to come down
50685 where you can find it. Murphy's Law applied to Newton's.
50687 What good is a ticket to the good life,
50688 if you can't find the entrance?
50690 What good is an obscenity trial except to popularize literature?
50691 -- Nero Wolfe, "The League of Frightened Men"
50693 What good is having someone who can walk on water if you don't follow
50696 What good is it if you talk in flowers, and they think in pastry?
50697 -- Ashleigh Brilliant
50699 What happened last night can happen again.
50701 What happens if a big asteroid hits Earth? Judging from realistic simulations
50702 involving a sledge hammer and a common laboratory frog, we can assume it will
50706 What happens to a dream deferred?
50708 Like a raisin in the sun?
50709 Or fester like a sore --
50711 Does it stink like rotten meat?
50712 Or crust and sugar over --
50713 Like a syrupy sweet?
50718 Or does it explode?
50721 What happens when you cut back the jungle? It recedes.
50723 What has roots as nobody sees,
50724 Is taller than trees,
50726 And yet never grows?
50728 What I mean (and everybody else means) by the word QUALITY cannot be
50729 broken down into subjects and predicates. This is not because Quality
50730 is so mysterious but because Quality is so simple, immediate, and direct.
50731 -- R. Pirsig, "Zen and the Art of Motorcycle Maintenance"
50733 What I tell you three times is true.
50736 What I want is all of the power and none of the responsibility.
50738 What if everything is an illusion and nothing exists?
50739 In that case, I definitely overpaid for my carpet.
50740 -- Woody Allen, "Without Feathers"
50742 What if nothing exists and we're all in somebody's dream?
50743 Or what's worse, what if only that fat guy in the third row exists?
50744 -- Woody Allen, "Without Feathers"
50746 What if there had been room at the inn?
50747 -- Linda Festa on the origins of Christianity
50749 What is a magician but a practising theorist?
50752 What is algebra, exactly? Is it one of those three-cornered things?
50755 What is comedy? Comedy is the art of making people laugh without making
50759 What is food to one, is to others bitter poison.
50760 -- Titus Lucretius Carus
50762 What is good? Everything that heightens the feeling of power in man, the
50763 will to power, power itself. What is bad? Everything that is born of
50764 weakness. Not contentedness but more power; not peace but war; not virtue
50765 but fitness. The weak and the failures shall perish: first principle of
50766 our love of man. And they shall even be given every possible assistance.
50767 What is more harmful than any vice? Active pity for all the failures and
50768 all the weak: Christianity.
50769 -- Friedrich Nietzsche
50771 What is important is food, money and opportunities for scoring off one's
50772 enemies. Give a man these three things and you won't hear much squawking
50774 -- Brian O'Nolan, "The Best of Myles"
50776 What is irritating about love is that it is a crime that requires
50778 -- Charles Baudelaire
50780 What is love but a second-hand emotion?
50783 What is mind? No matter.
50784 What is matter? Never mind.
50785 -- Thomas Hewitt Key, 1799-1875
50787 What is now proved was once only imagin'd.
50790 What is research but a blind date with knowledge?
50793 What is robbing a bank compared with founding a bank?
50794 -- Bertolt Brecht, "The Threepenny Opera"
50797 Status is when the President calls you for your opinion.
50800 Status is when the President calls you in to discuss a
50803 Uh, that still ain't right...
50804 STATUS is when you're in the Oval Office talking to the President,
50805 and the phone rings. The President picks it up, listens for a
50806 minute, and hands it to you, saying, "It's for you."
50808 What is the difference between a Turing machine and the modern computer?
50809 It's the same as that between Hillary's ascent of Everest and the
50810 establishment of a Hilton on its peak.
50812 What is the robbing of a bank compared to the founding of a bank?
50815 What is the sound of one hand clapping?
50817 What is this line of duty, and suffering? You are not supposed to suffer
50818 if you are an assassin. The other person is supposed to suffer.
50819 -- Chiun, glory of the name of Sinanju, teacher of the youth
50820 from outside Sinanju named Remo.
50822 What is tolerance? -- it is the consequence of humanity. We are all formed
50823 of frailty and error; let us pardon reciprocally each other's folly -- that
50824 is the first law of nature.
50827 What is truth? We must adopt a pragmatic definition: it is what is believed
50828 to be the truth. A lie that is put across therefore becomes the truth and
50829 may, therefore, be justified. The difficulty is to keep up lying... it is
50830 simpler to tell the truth and if a sufficient emergency arises, to tell one,
50831 big thumping lie that will then be believed.
50832 -- Ministry of Information, memo on the maintenance of
50833 British civilian morale, 1939
50835 What is wanted is not the will to believe, but the will to find out,
50836 which is the exact opposite.
50837 -- Bertrand Russell, "Skeptical Essays", 1928
50839 What is wanted is not the will-to-believe,
50840 but the wish to find out, which is exact opposite.
50841 -- Bertrand Russell
50843 What is worth doing is worth the trouble of asking somebody to do it.
50845 What kind of sordid business are you on now? I mean, man, whither
50846 goest thou? Whither goest thou, America, in thy shiny car in the night?
50849 What luck for the rulers that men do not think.
50852 What makes the Universe so hard to comprehend
50853 is that there's nothing to compare it with.
50855 What makes us so bitter against people who outwit us
50856 is that they think themselves cleverer than we are.
50858 What makes you think graduate school
50859 is supposed to be satisfying?
50860 -- Erica Jong, "Fear of Flying"
50862 What most people want is all of the power but none of the responsibility.
50864 What no spouse of a writer can ever understand
50865 is that a writer is working when he's staring out the window.
50867 What nonsense people talk about happy marriages!
50868 A man can be happy with any woman so long as he doesn't love her.
50871 What on earth would a man do with himself
50872 if something did not stand in his way?
50875 What one believes to be true either is true or becomes true.
50878 What one fool can do, another can.
50879 -- Ancient Simian Proverb
50881 What orators lack in depth they make up in length.
50883 What pains others pleasures me,
50884 At home am I in Lisp or C;
50885 There i couch in ecstasy,
50886 'Til debugger's poke i flee,
50887 Into kernel memory.
50888 In system space, system space, there shall i fare--
50889 Inside of a VAX on a silicon square.
50891 What passes for optimism is most often the effect of an intellectual error.
50892 -- Raymond Aron, "The Opium of the Intellectuals"
50894 What passes for woman's intuition is often nothing
50895 more than man's transparency.
50898 What passes for woman's intuition
50899 is often nothing more than man's transparency.
50901 What publishers are looking for these days isn't radical feminism.
50902 It's corporate feminism -- a brand of feminism designed to sell books
50903 and magazines, three-piece suits, airline tickets, Scotch, cigarettes
50904 and, most important, corporate America's message, which runs: Yes,
50905 women were discriminated against in the past, but that unfortunate
50906 mistake has been remedied; now every woman can attain wealth, prestige
50907 and power by dint of individual rather than collective effort.
50910 What really shapes and conditions and makes us is somebody only a few
50911 of us ever have the courage to face: and that is the child you once
50912 were, long before formal education ever got its claws into you -- that
50913 impatient, all-demanding child who wants love and power and can't get
50914 enough of either and who goes on raging and weeping in your spirit
50915 till at last your eyes are closed and all the fools say, "Doesn't he
50916 look peaceful?" It is those pent-up, craving children who make all
50917 the wars and all the horrors and all the art and all the beauty and
50918 discovery in life, because they are trying to achieve what lay beyond
50919 their grasp before they were five years old.
50920 -- Robertson Davies, "The Rebel Angels"
50922 What sane person could live in this world and not be crazy?
50925 What scoundrel stole the cork from my lunch?
50928 What segment's this, that, laid to rest
50929 On FHA0, is sleeping?
50930 What system file, lay here a while This, this is "acct.run,"
50931 While hackers around it were weeping? Accounting file for everyone.
50932 Dump, dump it and type it out,
50933 The file, the highseg of login.
50934 Why lies it here, on public disk
50935 And why is it now unprotected?
50936 A bug in incant, made it thus. Mount, mount all your DECtapes now
50937 And copy the file somehow, somehow. The problem has not been corrected.
50938 Dump, dump it and type it out,
50939 The file, the highseg of login.
50942 What sin has not been committed in the name of efficiency?
50944 What soon grows old? Gratitude.
50947 What, still alive at twenty-two,
50948 A clean upstanding chap like you?
50949 Sure, if your throat 'tis hard to slit,
50950 Slit your girl's, and swing for it.
50951 Like enough, you won't be glad,
50952 When they come to hang you, lad:
50953 But bacon's not the only thing
50954 That's cured by hanging from a string.
50955 So, when the spilt ink of the night
50956 Spreads o'er the blotting pad of light,
50957 Lads whose job is still to do
50958 Shall whet their knives, and think of you.
50961 What the deuce is it to me? You say that we go around the sun. If we went
50962 around the moon it would not make a pennyworth of difference to me or my work.
50963 -- Sherlock Holmes, "A Study in Scarlet"
50965 What the hell is it good for?
50966 -- Robert Lloyd (engineer of the Advanced Computing Systems
50967 Division of IBM), to colleagues who insisted that the
50968 microprocessor was the wave of the future, c. 1968
50970 What the large print giveth, the small print taketh away.
50972 What the scientists have in their briefcases is terrifying.
50973 -- Nikita Khruschev
50978 "I recommend this candidate with no qualifications whatsoever."
50979 (Yes, that about sums it up.)
50980 "The amount of mathematics she knows will surprise you."
50981 (And I recommend not giving that school a dime...)
50982 "I simply can't say enough good things about him."
50984 "I am pleased to say that this candidate is a former colleague of mine."
50985 (I can't tell you how happy I am that she left our firm.)
50986 "When this person left our employ, we were quite hopeful he would go
50987 a long way with his skills."
50988 (We hoped he'd go as far as possible.)
50989 "You won't find many people like her."
50990 (In fact, most people can't stand being around her.)
50991 "I cannot recommend him too highly."
50992 (However, to the best of my knowledge, he has never committed a
50993 felony in my presence.)
50998 "If you knew this person as well as I know him, you would think as much
51000 (Or as little, to phrase it slightly more accurately.)
51001 "Her input was always critical."
51002 (She never had a good word to say.)
51003 "I have no doubt about his capability to do good work."
51004 (And it's nonexistent.)
51005 "This candidate would lend balance to a department like yours, which
51006 already has so many outstanding members."
51007 (Unless you already have a moron.)
51008 "His presentation to my seminar last semester was truly remarkable:
51009 one unbelievable result after another."
51010 (And we didn't believe them, either.)
51011 "She is quite uniform in her approach to any function you may assign her."
51012 (In fact, to life in general...)
51017 "You will be fortunate if you can get him to work for you."
51018 (We certainly never succeeded.)
51019 There is no other employee with whom I can adequately compare him.
51020 (Well, our rats aren't really employees...)
51021 "Success will never spoil him."
51022 (Well, at least not MUCH more.)
51023 "One usually comes away from him with a good feeling."
51024 (And such a sigh of relief.)
51025 "His dissertation is the sort of work you don't expect to see these days;
51026 in it he has definitely demonstrated his complete capabilities."
51027 (And his IQ, as well.)
51028 "He should go far."
51029 (The farther the better.)
51030 "He will take full advantage of his staff."
51031 (He even has one of them mowing his lawn after work.)
51033 What they say: What they mean:
51035 A major technological breakthrough... Back to the drawing board.
51036 Developed after years of research Discovered by pure accident.
51037 Project behind original schedule due We're working on something else.
51038 to unforseen difficulties
51039 Designs are within allowable limits We made it, stretching a point or two.
51040 Customer satisfaction is believed So far behind schedule that they'll be
51041 assured grateful for anything at all.
51042 Close project coordination We're gonna spread the blame, campers!
51043 Test results were extremely gratifying It works, and boy, were we surprised!
51044 The design will be finalized... We haven't started yet, but we've got
51046 The entire concept has been rejected The guy who designed it quit.
51047 We're moving forward with a fresh We hired three new guys, and they're
51048 approach kicking it around.
51049 A number of different approaches... We don't know where we're going, but
51051 Preliminary operational tests are Blew up when we turned it on.
51053 Modifications are underway We're starting over.
51055 What they say: What they mean:
51057 New Different colors from previous version.
51058 All New Not compatible with previous version.
51059 Exclusive Nobody else has documentation.
51060 Unmatched Almost as good as the competition.
51061 Design Simplicity The company wouldn't give us any money.
51062 Fool-proof Operation All parameters are hard-coded.
51063 Advanced Design Nobody really understands it.
51064 Here At Last Didn't get it done on time.
51065 Field Tested We don't have any simulators.
51066 Years of Development Finally got one to work.
51067 Unprecedented Performance Nothing ever ran this slow before.
51068 Revolutionary Disk drives go 'round and 'round.
51069 Futuristic Only runs on a next generation supercomputer.
51070 No Maintenance Impossible to fix.
51071 Performance Proven Worked through Beta test.
51072 Meets Tough Quality Standards It compiles without errors.
51073 Satisfaction Guaranteed We'll send you another pack if it fails.
51074 Stock Item We shipped it before and can do it again.
51076 What this country needs is a dime that will buy a good five-cent bagel.
51078 What this country needs is a good 5 dollar plasma weapon.
51080 What this country needs is a good five cent ANYTHING!
51082 What this country needs is a good five cent microcomputer.
51084 What this country needs is a good five-cent nickel.
51087 I don't know, it keeps changing.
51089 What upsets me is not that you lied to me,
51090 but that from now on I can no longer believe you.
51093 What we Are is God's give to us.
51094 What we Become is our gift to God.
51096 What we cannot speak about we must pass over in silence.
51099 What we do not understand we do not possess.
51102 What we need is either less corruption,
51103 or more chance to participate in it.
51105 What we see depends on mainly what we look for.
51108 What we wish, that we readily believe.
51111 What will you do if all your problems aren't solved by the time you die?
51113 What you don't know won't help you much either.
51116 What you see is from outside yourself, and may come, or not, but is beyond
51117 your control. But your fear is yours, and yours alone, like your voice, or
51118 your fingers, or your memory, and therefore yours to control. If you feel
51119 powerless over your fear, you have not yet admitted that it is yours, to do
51121 -- Marion Zimmer Bradley, "Stormqueen"
51123 What you want, what you're hanging around in the world waiting for, is for
51124 something to occur to you.
51127 [Quoted in "VMS Internals and Data Structures", V4.4, when
51128 referring to AST's.]
51130 Whatever became of eternal truth?
51132 Whatever became of Strange de Jim? Well, he found a substitute for
51133 cocaine: "You cover Q-tips with sandpaper and ram them up your
51134 nostrils as far as they will go. Then you sniff talcum powder while
51135 shredding hundred dollar bills."
51138 Whatever doesn't succeed in two months and a half in California will
51140 -- Rev. Henry Durant, founder of the University of California
51142 Whatever else can be said about sex, it cannot be called a dignified
51146 Whatever happened to the good old days
51147 when sex was dirty and the air was clean?
51149 Whatever is not nailed down is mine.
51150 Whatever I can pry up is not nailed down.
51151 -- Collis P. Huntingdon, railroad tycoon
51153 Whatever it is, I fear Greeks even when they bring gifts.
51154 -- Publius Vergilius Maro (Virgil)
51156 Whatever occurs from love is always beyond good and evil.
51157 -- Friedrich Nietzsche
51159 Whatever women do they must do twice as well as men to be thought half
51160 as good. Luckily this is not difficult.
51161 -- Charlotte Whitton
51163 Whatever you do will be insignificant, but it is very important that
51167 Whatever you may be sure of, be sure of this: that you are dreadfully like
51169 -- James Russell Lowell, "My Study Windows"
51171 Whatever you want to do, you have to do something else first.
51173 What's a cult? It just means not enough people to make a minority.
51176 What's all this bru-ha-ha?
51178 What's another word for "thesaurus"?
51181 What's done to children, they will do to society.
51183 What's page one, a preemptive strike?
51184 -- Professor Freund, Communication, Ramapo State College
51188 What's the matter with the world? Why, there ain't but one thing wrong
51189 with every one of us - and that's "selfishness."
51190 -- The Best of Will Rogers
51192 What's the ugliest part of your body?
51193 What's the ugliest part of your body?
51194 Some say your nose,
51195 Some say your toes,
51196 But I think it's your mind.
51197 -- Frank Zappa, 1965
51199 What's this stuff about people being "released on their
51200 own recognizance"? Aren't we all out on own recognizance?
51202 When a Banker jumps out of a window,
51203 jump after him -- that's where the money is.
51206 When a camel flies, no one laughs if it doesn't get very far!
51208 When a cow laughs, does milk come out of its nose?
51210 When a fellow says, "It ain't the money but
51211 the principle of the thing," it's the money.
51214 When a girl can read the handwriting on
51215 the wall, she may be in the wrong rest room.
51217 When a girl marries she exchanges the attentions of many men for the
51218 inattentions of one.
51221 When a lion meets another with a louder roar,
51222 the first lion thinks the last a bore.
51225 When a lot of remedies are suggested for
51226 a disease, that means it can't be cured.
51227 -- Chekhov, "The Cherry Orchard"
51229 When a man assumes a public trust, he
51230 should consider himself as public property.
51231 -- Thomas Jefferson
51233 When a man is tired of London, he is tired of life.
51236 When a man knows he is to be hanged in a fortnight,
51237 it concentrates his mind wonderfully.
51240 When a man sits with a pretty girl for an hour, it seems like a minute.
51241 But let him sit on a hot stove for a minute-- and it's longer than any
51242 hour. That's relativity.
51245 When a man steals your wife, there is no better revenge than to let him
51249 When a man you like switches from what he said a year ago, or four years
51250 ago, he is a broad-minded man who has courage enough to change his mind
51251 with changing conditions. When a man you don't like does it, he is a
51252 liar who has broken his promises.
51255 When a person goes on a diet, the first thing he loses is his temper.
51257 When a place gets crowded enough to require ID's, social collapse is not
51258 far away. It is time to go elsewhere. The best thing about space travel
51259 is that it made it possible to go elsewhere.
51260 -- R.A. Heinlein, "Time Enough For Love"
51262 When a shepherd goes to kill a wolf, and takes his dog along to see
51263 the sport, he should take care to avoid mistakes. The dog has certain
51264 relationships to the wolf the shepherd may have forgotten.
51265 -- Robert Pirsig, "Zen and the Art of Motorcycle Maintenance"
51267 When a woman gives me a present I have always two surprises:
51268 first is the present, and afterward, having to pay for it.
51271 When a woman marries again it is because she detested her first husband.
51272 When a man marries again, it is because he adored his first wife.
51275 When alerted to an intrusion by tinkling glass or otherwise, 1) Calm
51276 yourself 2) Identify the intruder 3) If hostile, kill him.
51278 Step number 3 is of particular importance. If you leave the guy alive
51279 out of misguided softheartedness, he will repay your generosity of spirit
51280 by suing you for causing his subsequent paraplegia and seek to force you
51281 to support him for the rest of his rotten life. In court he will plead
51282 that he was depressed because society had failed him, and that he was
51283 looking for Mother Teresa for comfort and to offer his services to the
51284 poor. In that lawsuit, you will lose. If, on the other hand, you kill
51285 him, the most that you can expect is that a relative will bring a wrongful
51286 death action. You will have two advantages: first, there be only your
51287 story; forget Mother Teresa. Second, even if you lose, how much could
51288 the bum's life be worth anyway? A Lot less than 50 years worth of
51289 paralysis. Don't play George Bush and Saddam Hussein. Finish the job.
51290 -- G. Gordon Liddy's Forbes column on personal security
51292 When Alexander Graham Bell died in 1922, the telephone people
51293 interrupted service for one minute in his honor. They've been
51294 honoring him intermittently ever since, I believe.
51297 When all else fails, EAT!!!
51299 When all else fails, pour a pint of Guinness in the gas tank, advance
51300 the spark 20 degrees, cry "God Save the Queen!", and pull the starter
51302 -- MG "Series MGA" Workshop Manual
51304 When all else fails, read the instructions.
51306 When all else fails, try Kate Smith.
51308 When all other means of communication fail, try words.
51310 When among apes, one must play the ape.
51312 When angry, count four; when very angry, swear.
51315 When arguments fail, use a blackjack.
51316 -- Ed "Spike" O'Donnell
51318 When arguments fail, use a blackjack.
51319 -- Edward "Spike" O'Donnell, Al Capone associate.
51321 When asked the definition of "pi":
51323 Pi is the number expressing the relationship between the
51324 circumference of a circle and its diameter.
51326 Pi is 3.1415927, plus or minus 0.000000005.
51330 When Boy Scouts do it, it's intense.
51332 When childhood dies, its corpses are called adults.
51335 When choosing between two evils, I always
51336 like to take the one I've never tried before.
51337 -- Mae West, "Klondike Annie"
51339 When confronted by a difficult problem, you can often solve it quite
51340 easily by reducing it to the question, "How would the Lone Ranger
51343 When confronted by a difficult problem, you can solve it more easily by
51344 reducing it to the question, "How would the Lone Ranger handle this?"
51346 When Cthulhu calls, He calls collect!
51348 When democracy granted democratic methods to us in times of opposition, this
51349 was bound to happen in a democratic system. However, we National Socialists
51350 never asserted that we represented a democratic point of view, but we have
51351 declared openly that we used the democratic methods only to gain power and
51352 that, after assuming the power, we would deny to our adversaries without any
51353 consideration the means which were granted to us in times of our opposition.
51356 When Dexter's on the Internet, can Hell be far behind?"
51358 When does later become never?
51360 When does summertime come to Minnesota, you ask?
51361 Well, last year, I think it was a Tuesday.
51363 When eating an elephant take one bite at a time.
51366 When forecasting, give them a number
51367 or give them a date, but never both.
51369 When God endowed human beings with brains,
51370 He did not intend to guarantee them.
51372 When God saw how faulty was man He tried again and made woman. As to
51373 why he then stopped there are two opinions. One of them is woman's.
51376 When he got in trouble in the ring, [Ali] imagined a door swung open and
51377 inside he could see neon, orange, and green lights blinking, and bats
51378 blowing trumpets and alligators blowing trombones, and he could hear snakes
51379 screaming. Weird masks and actors' clothes hung on the wall, and if he
51380 stepped across the sill and reached for them, he knew that he was committing
51381 himself to destruction.
51384 When I came back to Dublin I was courtmartialed in my absence and sentenced
51385 to death in my absence, so I said they could shoot me in my absence.
51388 When I demanded of my friend what viands he preferred,
51389 He quoth: "A large cold bottle, and a small hot bird!"
51390 -- Eugene Field, "The Bottle and the Bird"
51392 when i die, i'd like to go peacefully.
51394 like my grandfather.
51397 like the passengers in his car...
51399 When I drink, *everybody* drinks!" a man shouted to the assembled bar patrons. A
51400 loud general cheer went up. After downing his whiskey, he hopped onto a
51401 barstool and shouted "When I take another drink, *everybody* takes another
51402 drink!" The announcement produced another cheer and another round of drinks.
51403 As soon as he had downed his second drink, the fellow hopped back
51404 onto the stool. "And when I pay," he bellowed, slapping five dollars onto
51405 the bar, "*everybody* pays!"
51407 When I first arrived in this country I had only fifteen cents in my pocket
51408 and a willingness to compromise.
51409 -- Weber cartoon caption
51411 When I get real bored, I like to drive down town and get a great
51412 parking spot, then sit in my car and count how many people ask me
51416 When I get real bored, I like to drive downtown and get a great parking spot,
51417 then sit in my car and count how many people ask me if I'm leaving.
51420 When I grow up, I want to be an honest
51421 lawyer so things like that can't happen.
51422 -- Richard Nixon, as a boy, on the Teapot Dome scandal
51424 When I have one foot in the grave I will tell the truth about women. I
51425 shall tell it, jump into my coffin, pull the lid over me, and say, "Do
51426 what you like now."
51429 When I hear a man applauded by the mob I always feel a pang of pity
51430 for him. All he has to do to be hissed is to live long enough.
51431 -- H.L. Mencken, "Minority Report"
51433 When I kill, the only thing I feel is recoil.
51435 When I said "we", officer, I was referring to
51436 myself, the four young ladies, and, of course, the goat.
51438 When I saw a sign on the freeway that said, "Los Angeles 445 miles," I said
51439 to myself, "I've got to get out of this lane."
51442 When I say the magic word to all these people, they will vanish forever.
51443 I will then say the magic words to you, and you, too, will vanish -- never
51445 -- Kurt Vonnegut Jr., "Between Time and Timbuktu"
51447 When I sell liquor, it's called bootlegging; when my patrons serve
51448 it on silver trays on Lake Shore Drive, it's called hospitality.
51451 When I think about myself,
51452 I almost laugh myself to death,
51453 My life has been one great big joke, Sixty years in these folks' world
51454 A dance that's walked The child I works for calls me girl
51455 A song that's spoke, I say "Yes ma'am" for working's sake.
51456 I laugh so hard I almost choke Too proud to bend
51457 When I think about myself. Too poor to break,
51458 I laugh until my stomach ache,
51459 When I think about myself.
51460 My folks can make me split my side,
51461 I laughed so hard I nearly died,
51462 The tales they tell, sound just like lying,
51463 They grow the fruit,
51465 I laugh until I start to crying,
51466 When I think about my folks.
51469 When I was 16, I thought there was no hope for my father.
51470 By the time I was 20, he had made great improvement.
51472 When I was a boy I was told that anyone could become President.
51473 Now I'm beginning to believe it.
51476 When I was a child... We had a quick-sand box in the backyard...
51477 I was an only child... eventually.
51480 When I was a kid my favorite relative was Uncle Caveman. After school we'd
51481 all go play in his cave, and every once in a while he would eat one of us.
51482 It wasn't until later that I found out that Uncle Caveman was a bear.
51485 When I was a kid, we had a quick-sand box in the backyard.
51486 I was an only child... eventually.
51489 When I was a young man, I vowed never to marry until I found the ideal
51490 woman. Well, I found her -- but alas, she was waiting for the ideal man.
51493 When I was crossing the border into Canada, they asked if
51494 I had any firearms with me. I said, "Well, what do you need?"
51497 When I was growing up my mother kept telling me we're just friends.
51499 I tell ya I was an ugly kid. I was so ugly that my Dad kept the kid's
51500 picture that came with the wallet he bought.
51501 -- Rodney Dangerfield
51503 When I was in college, there were a lot of four-letter words you couldn't
51504 say in front of girls. Now you can say them. But you can't say "girls".
51506 When I was in school, I cheated on my metaphysics exam:
51507 I looked into the soul of the boy sitting next to me.
51510 When I was little, I went into a pet shop and they asked how big I'd get.
51511 -- Rodney Dangerfield
51513 When I was seven years old, I was once reprimanded by my mother for an act
51514 of collective brutality in which I had been involved at school. A group of
51515 seven-year-olds had been teasing and tormenting a six-year-old. "It is
51516 always so," my mother said. "You do things together which not one of you
51517 would think of doing alone." ... Wherever one looks in the world of human
51518 organization, collective responsibility brings a lowering of moral standards.
51519 The military establishment is an extreme case, an organization which seems
51520 to have been expressly designed to make it possible for people to do things
51521 together which nobody in his right mind would do alone.
51522 -- Freeman Dyson, "Weapons and Hope"
51524 When I was young we didn't have MTV; we
51525 had to take drugs and go to concerts.
51528 When I was younger, I could remember anything, whether it had happened
51529 or not; but my faculties are decaying now and soon I shall be so I cannot
51530 remember any but the things that never happened. It is sad to go to
51531 pieces like this but we all have to do it.
51534 When I woke up this morning, my girlfriend asked if I had
51535 slept well. I said, "No, I made a few mistakes."
51538 When I works, I works hard.
51539 When I sits, I sits easy.
51540 And when I thinks, I goes to sleep.
51542 When I'm gone, boxing will be nothing again. The fans with the cigars and
51543 the hats turned down'll be there, but no more housewives and little men in
51544 the street and foreign presidents. It's goin' to be back to the fighter who
51545 comes to town, smells a flower, visits a hospital, blows a horn and says
51546 he's in shape. Old hat. I was the onliest boxer in history people asked
51547 questions like a senator.
51550 When I'm good, I'm great; but when I'm bad, I'm better.
51553 When in charge ponder,
51554 When in doubt mumble,
51555 When in trouble delegate.
51557 When in doubt, do it. It's much easier
51558 to apologize than to get permission.
51559 -- Grace Murray Hopper
51561 When in doubt, do what the President does -- guess.
51563 When in doubt, follow your heart.
51565 When in doubt, have a man come through the door with a gun in his hand.
51566 -- Raymond Chandler
51568 When in doubt, lead trump.
51570 When in doubt, mumble; when in trouble, delegate; when in charge, ponder.
51573 When in doubt, tell the truth.
51576 When in doubt, use brute force.
51579 When in Rome, live in the Roman way.
51582 When in this world the headlines read
51583 Of those whose hearts are filled with greed
51584 Who rob and steal from those who need
51585 The cry goes up with blinding speed for Underdog (UNDERDOG!)
51586 Underdog (UNDERDOG!)
51587 Speed of lightning, roar of thunder
51588 Fighting all who rob or plunder
51589 Underdog (ah-ah-ah-ah)
51593 When in trouble or in doubt, run in circles, scream and shout.
51595 When it comes to broken marriages most husbands will split the blame --
51596 half his wife's fault, and half her mother's.
51598 When it comes to helping you, some people stop at nothing.
51600 When it is not necessary to make a decision,
51601 it is necessary not to make a decision.
51603 When it's dark enough you can see the stars.
51604 -- Ralph Waldo Emerson,
51606 When license fees are too high,
51607 users do things by hand.
51608 When the management is too intrusive,
51609 users lose their spirit.
51611 Hack for the user's benefit.
51612 Trust them; leave them alone.
51614 When love is gone, there's always justice.
51615 And when justice is gone, there's always force.
51616 And when force is gone, there's always Mom.
51620 When man calls an animal "vicious", he usually means that it
51621 will attempt to defend itself when he tries to kill it.
51623 When managers hold endless meetings, the programmers write games. When
51624 accountants talk of quarterly profits, the development budget is about to
51625 be cut. When senior scientists talk blue sky, the clouds are about to roll
51628 Truly, this is not the Tao of Programming.
51630 When managers make commitments, game programs are ignored. When accountants
51631 make long-range plans, harmony and order are about to be restored. When
51632 senior scientists address the problems at hand, the problems will soon be
51635 Truly, this is the Tao of Programming.
51637 When Marriage is Outlawed,
51638 Only Outlaws will have Inlaws.
51640 When more and more people are thrown out of work, unemployment results.
51643 When my brain begins to reel from my
51644 literary labors, I make an occasional cheese dip.
51647 When my fist clenches crack it open,
51648 Before I use it and lose my cool.
51649 When I smile tell me some bad news,
51650 Before I laugh and act like a fool.
51652 And if I swallow anything evil,
51653 Put you finger down my throat.
51654 And if I shiver please give me a blanket,
51655 Keep me warm let me wear your coat
51657 No one knows what it's like to be the bad man,
51660 No one knows what its like to be hated,
51662 To telling only lies.
51665 When my freshman roommate at Cornell found out I was Jewish, she was,
51666 at her request, moved to a different room. She told me she didn't
51667 think she had ever seen a Jew before. My only response was to begin
51668 wearing a small Star of David on a chain around my neck. I had not
51669 become a more observing Jew; rather, discovering that the label of
51670 Jew was offensive to others made me want to let people know who I
51671 was and what I believed in. Similarly, after talking to these young
51672 women -- one of whom told me that she didn't think she had ever met
51673 a feminist -- I've taken to identifying myself as a feminist in the
51674 most unlikely of situations.
51675 -- Susan Bolotin, "Voices From the Post-Feminist Generation"
51677 When neither their poverty nor their honor is
51678 touched, the majority of men live content.
51679 -- Niccolo Machiavelli
51681 When nothing can possibly go wrong, it will.
51683 When one burns one's bridges, what a very nice fire it makes.
51686 When one knows women one pities men,
51687 but when one studies men, one excuses women.
51690 When one wants to get rid of an unsupportable pressure, one needs hashish.
51691 -- Friedrich Nietzsche
51693 When one woman was asked how long she had been going to symphony concerts,
51694 she paused to calculate and replied, "Forty-seven years -- and I find I mind
51696 -- Louise Andrews Kent
51698 When oxygen Tech played Hydrogen U.
51699 The Game had just begun, when Hydrogen scored two fast points
51700 And Oxygen still had none
51701 Then Oxygen scored a single goal
51702 And thus it did remain, At Hydrogen 2 and Oxygen 1
51703 Called because of rain.
51705 When people have trouble communicating,
51706 the least they can do is to shut up.
51709 When people say nothing, they don't necessarily mean nothing.
51711 When pleasure remains, does it remain a pleasure?
51713 When President Paul Doumer of France was assassinated in Paris in 1932,
51714 newspapers differed in their versions of the event. This is from "Paris
51715 was Yesterday: 1925-1939" by Janet Flanner, edited by Irving Drutman.
51717 Taste varied as to his cry when he was shot down, the more popular
51718 papers preferring his despairing "Oh, la la!," the graver dailies
51719 favoring "Is it possible?" What few reported were his dying words:
51720 "But what kind of chauffeur was it?" Having been told by his aides
51721 not that he had been shot but that he had been struck by a taxi, the
51722 President spent the last conscious moments of his life wondering how
51723 how an automobile got into the charity book sale at the Maison
51724 Rothschild, where his assassination occurred.
51726 When properly administered, vacations do not diminish productivity: for
51727 every week you're away and get nothing done, there's another when your boss
51728 is away and you get twice as much done.
51731 When smashing monuments, save the pedestals -- they always come in handy.
51732 -- Stanislaw J. Lem, "Unkempt Thoughts"
51734 When some people decide it's time for everyone to make
51735 big changes, it means that they want you to change first.
51737 When some people discover the truth, they just
51738 can't understand why everybody isn't eager to hear it.
51740 When someone makes a move We'll send them all we've got,
51741 Of which we don't approve, John Wayne and Randolph Scott,
51742 Who is it that always intervenes? Remember those exciting fighting scenes?
51743 U.N. and O.A.S., To the shores of Tripoli,
51744 They have their place, I guess, But not to Mississippoli,
51745 But first, send the Marines! What do we do? We send the Marines!
51747 For might makes right, Members of the corps
51748 And till they've seen the light, All hate the thought of war:
51749 They've got to be protected, They'd rather kill them off by
51751 All their rights respected, Stop calling it aggression--
51752 Till somebody we like can be elected. We hate that expression!
51753 We only want the world to know
51754 That we support the status quo;
51755 They love us everywhere we go,
51756 So when in doubt, send the Marines!
51757 -- Tom Lehrer, "Send The Marines"
51759 When someone says "I want a programming language in
51760 which I need only say what I wish done," give him a lollipop.
51763 When speculation has done its worst, two plus two still equals four.
51766 When taxes are due, Americans tend to feel quite bled-white and blue.
51768 When the Apple IIc was introduced, the informative copy led off with a couple
51769 of asterisked sentences:
51771 It weighs less than 8 pounds.*
51772 And costs less than $1,300.**
51774 In tiny type were these "fuller explanations":
51776 * Don't asterisks make you suspicious as all get out? Well, all
51777 this means is that the IIc alone weights 7.5 pounds. The power
51778 pack, monitor, an extra disk drive, a printer and several bricks
51779 will make the IIc weigh more. Our lawyers were concerned that you
51780 might not be able to figure this out for yourself.
51782 ** The FTC is concerned about price fixing. You can pay more if
51783 you really want to. Or less.
51786 When the ax entered the forest, the trees said, "The handle is one of us!"
51789 When the blind lead the blind they will both fall over the cliff.
51792 When the bosses talk about improving productivity, they are never
51793 talking about themselves.
51795 When the candles are out all women are fair.
51798 When the cup is full, carry it level.
51800 When the English language gets in my way, I walk over it.
51803 When the fog came in on little cat feet last night, it left these little
51804 muddy paw prints on the hood of my car.
51806 When the going gets tough, everyone leaves.
51809 When the going gets tough, the tough go grab a beer.
51811 When the going gets tough, the tough go shopping.
51813 When the going gets weird, the weird turn pro.
51814 -- Hunter S. Thompson
51816 When the government bureau's remedies do not match
51817 your problem, you modify the problem, not the remedy.
51819 When the government bureau's remedies don't match your problem, you modify
51820 the problem, not the remedy.
51822 When the Guru administers, the users
51823 are hardly aware that he exists.
51824 Next best is a sysop who is loved.
51825 Next, one who is feared.
51826 And worst, one who is despised.
51828 If you don't trust the users,
51829 you make them untrustworthy.
51831 The Guru doesn't talk, he hacks.
51832 When his work is done,
51833 the users say, "Amazing:
51834 we implemented it, all by ourselves!"
51836 When the leaders speak of peace
51837 The common folk know
51839 When the leaders curse war
51840 The mobilization order is already written out.
51842 Every day, to earn my daily bread
51843 I go to the market where lies are bought
51845 I take my place among the sellers.
51846 -- Bertolt Brecht, "Hollywood"
51848 When the lights are out, all women are fair.
51851 When the Ngdanga tribe of West Africa hold their moon love ceremonies,
51852 the men of the tribe bang their heads on sacred trees until they get a
51853 nose bleed, which usually cures them of that.
51854 -- Mike Harding, "The Armchair Anarchist's Almanac"
51856 When the only tool you have is a hammer, every problem starts to look
51859 When the President does it, that means it is not illegal.
51862 When the revolution comes, count your change.
51864 When the saleman's car broke down, he walked to the nearest farmhouse to ask
51865 if he could stay the night. The farmer agreed to put him up. "I live alone,"
51866 he continued, "you can have the bedroom at the top of the stairs, to the
51868 "Oh, never mind," the disappointed salesman said. "I think I'm in
51871 When the sun shineth, make hay.
51874 When the Universe was not so out of whack as it is today, and all the
51875 stars were lined up in their proper places, you could easily count them
51876 from left to right, or top to bottom, and the larger and bluer ones were
51877 set apart, and the smaller yellowing types pushed off to the corners as
51878 bodies of a lower grade...
51881 When the usher noticed a man stretched across three seats in a movie theatre,
51882 he walked over and whispered, "I'm sorry, sir, but you're allowed only a single
51883 seat." The man moaned, but did not budge. "Sir," the user said more loudly,
51884 "if you don't move, I'll have to call a manager." The man moaned again but
51885 stayed where he was. The usher left, and returned with the manager, who, after
51886 several more attempts at dislodging the fellow, called the police.
51887 The cop took a look at the reclining man and said, "All right, boyo,
51889 "Samuel," he mumbled.
51890 "And where're you from, Sam?"
51893 When the wind is great, bow before it;
51894 when the wind is heavy, yield to it.
51896 When there are two conflicting versions of the story, the wise course
51897 is to believe the one in which people appear at their worst.
51898 -- H. Allen Smith, "Let the Crabgrass Grow"
51900 When there is an old maid in the house, a watch dog is unnecessary.
51901 -- Honore de Balzac
51903 When things go well, expect something to
51904 explode, erode, collapse or just disappear.
51906 When two people are under the influence of the most violent, most insane,
51907 most delusive, and most transient of passions, they are required to swear
51908 that they will remain in that excited, abnormal, and exhausting condition
51909 continuously until death do them part.
51910 -- George Bernard Shaw
51912 When users see one GUI as beautiful,
51913 other user interfaces become ugly.
51914 When users see some programs as winners,
51915 other programs become lossage.
51917 Pointers and NULLs reference each other.
51918 High level and assembler depend on each other.
51919 Double and float cast to each other.
51920 High-endian and low-endian define each other.
51921 While and until follow each other.
51924 programs without doing anything
51925 and teaches without saying anything.
51926 Warnings arise and he lets them come;
51927 processes are swapped and he lets them go.
51928 He has but doesn't possess,
51929 acts but doesn't expect.
51930 When his work is done, he deletes it.
51931 That is why it lasts forever.
51933 When we are planning for posterity,
51934 we ought to remember that virtue is not hereditary.
51937 When we jumped into Sicily, the units became separated, and I couldn't find
51938 anyone. Eventually I stumbled across two colonels, a major, three captains,
51939 two lieutenants, and one rifleman, and we secured the bridge. Never in the
51940 history of war have so few been led by so many.
51941 -- General James Gavin
51943 When we talk of tomorrow, the gods laugh.
51945 When we understand knowledge-based systems, it will be
51946 as before -- except our finger-tips will have been singed.
51948 When we write programs that "learn",
51949 it turns out we do and they don't.
51951 When women kiss it always reminds one of prize fighters shaking hands.
51952 -- H.L. Mencken, "Sententiae"
51954 When women love us, they forgive us everything, even our crimes;
51955 when they do not love us, they give us credit for nothing, not
51957 -- Honore de Balzac
51959 When you are about to die, a wombat is better than no company at all.
51960 -- Roger Zelazny, "Doorways in the Sand"
51962 When you are about to do an objective and scientific piece of investigation
51963 of a topic, it is well to gave the answer firmly in hand, so that you can
51964 proceed forthrightly, without being deflected or swayed, directly to the
51968 When you are at Rome live in the Roman style;
51969 when you are elsewhere live as they live elsewhere.
51972 When you are in it up to your ears, keep your mouth shut.
51974 When you are working hard, get up and retch every so often.
51976 When you are young, you enjoy a sustained illusion that sooner or later
51977 something marvelous is going to happen, that you are going to transcend
51978 your parents' limitations... At the same time, you feel sure that in all
51979 the wilderness of possibility; in all the forests of opinion, there is a
51980 vital something that can be known -- known and grasped. That we will
51981 eventually know it, and convert the whole mystery into a coherent
51982 narrative. So that then one's true life -- the point of everything --
51983 will emerge from the mist into a pure light, into total comprehension.
51984 But it isn't like that at all. But if it isn't, where did the idea come
51985 from, to torture and unsettle us?
51986 -- Brian Aldiss, "Helliconia Summer"
51988 When you become used to never being alone,
51989 you may consider yourself Americanized.
51991 When you dial a wrong number you never get a busy signal.
51993 When you die, you lose a very important part of your life.
51996 When you dig another out of trouble,
51997 you've got a place to bury your own.
51999 When you do not know what you are doing, do it neatly.
52001 When you don't know what to do, walk fast and look worried.
52003 When you find yourself in danger, when you're threatened by a stranger,
52004 When it looks like you will take a lickin'...
52005 There is one thing you should learn,
52006 When there is no one else to turn to,
52007 Caaaall for Super Chicken (**bwuck-bwuck-bwuck-bwuck**)
52008 Caaaall for Super Chicken!!
52010 When you find yourself in danger,
52011 When you're threatened by a stranger,
52012 When it looks like you will take a lickin'...
52014 There is one thing you should learn,
52015 When there is no one else to turn to,
52016 Caaaall for Super Chicken!! (**bwuck-bwuck-bwuck-bwuck**)
52017 Caaaall for Super Chicken!!
52019 When you find yourself in danger,
52020 When you're threatened by a stranger,
52021 When it looks like you will take a lickin'...
52022 There is one thing you should learn,
52023 When there is no one else to turn to,
52024 Caaaaaall for Super Chicken.
52026 When you get what you want in your struggle for self
52027 And the world makes you king for a day,
52028 Just go to a mirror and look at yourself
52029 And see what that man has to say.
52030 For it isn't your father or mother or wife
52031 Whose judgement upon you must pass;
52032 The fellow whose verdict counts most in your life
52033 Is the one staring back from the glass.
52034 Some people may think you a straight-shootin' chum
52035 And call you a wonderful guy,
52036 But the man in the glass says you're only a bum
52037 If you can't look him straight in the eye.
52038 He's the fellow to please, never mind all the rest,
52039 For he's with you clear up to the end,
52040 And you've passed your most dangerous, difficult test
52041 If the man in the glass is your friend.
52042 You may fool the whole world down the pathway of life
52043 And get pats on the back as you pass,
52044 But your final reward will be heartaches and tears
52045 If you've cheated the man in the glass.
52047 When you go into court you are putting your fate into the hands of twelve
52048 people who weren't smart enough to get out of jury duty.
52051 When you go out to buy, don't show your silver.
52053 When you have eliminated the impossible, whatever
52054 remains, however improbable, must be the truth.
52055 -- Sherlock Holmes, "The Sign of Four"
52057 When you have shot and killed a man you have in some measure
52058 clarified your attitude toward him. You have given a definite
52059 answer to a definite problem. For better or worse you have
52060 acted decisively. In a way, the next move is up to him.
52063 When you have to kill a man it costs nothing to be polite.
52064 -- W. Churchill, on formal declarations of war
52066 When you jump for joy, beware that no-one
52067 moves the ground from beneath your feet.
52068 -- Stanislaw Lem, "Unkempt Thoughts"
52070 When you live in a sick society,
52071 just about everything you do is wrong.
52073 When you make your mark in the world,
52074 watch out for guys with erasers.
52075 -- The Wall Street Journal
52077 When you meet a master swordsman,
52078 show him your sword.
52079 When you meet a man who is not a poet,
52080 do not show him your poem.
52081 -- Rinzai, ninth century Zen master
52083 When you overesteem great hackers,
52084 more users become cretins.
52085 When you develop encryption,
52086 more users become crackers.
52089 by emptying user's minds
52090 and increasing their quotas,
52091 by weakening their ambition
52092 and toughening their resolve.
52093 When users lack knowledge and desire,
52094 management will not try to interfere.
52096 Practice not-looping,
52097 and everything will fall into place.
52099 When you say that you agree to a thing in principle, you mean that
52100 you have not the slightest intention of carrying it out in practice.
52101 -- Otto von Bismarck
52103 When you speak to others for their own good it's advice;
52104 when they speak to you for your own good it's interference.
52106 When you try to make an impression, the
52107 chances are that is the impression you will make.
52109 When you were born, a big chance was taken for you.
52111 When your conscious becomes unconscious, you are drunk.
52112 When your unconscious becomes conscious, you are stoned.
52114 When your life is a leaf that the seasons tear off and condemn
52115 They will bind you with love that is graceful and green as a stem.
52116 -- Leonard Cohen, "Sisters of Mercy"
52118 When your memory goes, forget it!
52120 When your work speaks for itself, don't interrupt.
52124 You're a Yup all the way
52125 From your first slice of Brie
52126 To your last Cabernet.
52129 You're not just a dreamer
52130 You're making things happen
52131 You're driving a Beamer.
52133 When you're away, I'm restless, lonely
52134 Wretched, bored, dejected, only
52135 Here's the rub, my darling dear,
52136 I feel the same when you are hear.
52137 -- Samuel Hoffenstein, "Poems in Praise of Practically Nothing"
52139 When you're bored with yourself, marry, and be bored with someone else.
52140 -- David Pryce-Jones
52142 When you're dining out and you suspect
52143 something's wrong, you're probably right.
52145 When you're down and out, lift up your
52146 voice and shout, "I'M DOWN AND OUT"!
52148 When you're in command, command.
52151 When you're married to someone, they take you for granted ... when
52152 you're living with someone it's fantastic ... they're so frightened
52153 of losing you they've got to keep you satisfied all the time.
52154 -- Nell Dunn, "Poor Cow"
52156 When you're not looking at it, this fortune is written in FORTRAN.
52158 When you're ready to give up the struggle, who can you surrender to?
52160 WHEN YOU'RE RIDING IN A TIME MACHINE way far into the future, don't stick
52161 your elbow out the window or it'll turn into a fossil.
52162 -- Jack Handley, The New Mexican, 1988.
52164 When you've seen one nuclear war, you've seen them all.
52166 Whenever a system becomes completely defined,
52167 some damn fool discovers something which either
52168 abolishes the system or expands it beyond recognition.
52170 WHENEVER ANYBODY SAYS he's struggling to become a human being I have to
52171 laugh because the apes beat him to it by about a million years. Struggle
52172 to become a parrot or something.
52173 -- Jack Handley, The New Mexican, 1988.
52175 Whenever anyone says, "theoretically," they really mean "not really".
52178 Whenever I date a guy, I think, is this the man I want my children
52179 to spend their weekends with?
52182 Whenever I feel like exercise, I lie down until the feeling passes.
52184 Whenever I hear anyone arguing for slavery, I feel
52185 a strong impulse to see it tried on him personally.
52188 Whenever I see an old lady slip and fall on a wet sidewalk, my first instinct
52189 is to laugh. But then I think, what if I was an ant, and she fell on me.
52190 Then it wouldn't seem quite so funny.
52193 Whenever people agree with me I always feel I must be wrong.
52196 Whenever Richard Cory went downtown,
52197 We people on the pavement looked at him:
52198 He was a gentleman from sole to crown,
52199 Clean-favored, and imperially slim.
52200 And he was always quietly arrayed,
52201 And he was always human when he talked;
52202 But still he fluttered pulses when he said,
52203 "Good morning," and he glittered when he walked.
52204 And he was rich -- yes, richer than a king --
52205 And admirably schooled in every grace:
52206 In fine, we thought that he was everything
52207 To make us wish that we were in his place.
52208 So on we worked, and waited for the light,
52209 And went without the meat, and cursed the bread;
52210 And Richard Cory, one calm summer night,
52211 Went home and put a bullet through his head.
52212 -- E.A. Robinson, "Richard Cory"
52214 Whenever someone tells you to take their advice,
52215 you can be pretty sure that they're not using it.
52217 Whenever the literary German dives into a sentence, that
52218 is the last you are going to see of him until he emerges
52219 on the other side of his Atlantic with his verb in his mouth.
52222 Whenever you find that you are on the
52223 side of the majority, it is time to reform.
52226 Where a calculator on the ENIAC is equipped with 18,000 vacuum tubes and
52227 weighs 30 tons, computers in the future may have only 1,000 vacuum tubes
52228 and perhaps weigh 1 1/2 tons.
52229 -- Popular Mechanics, March 1949
52231 Where am I? Who am I? Am I? I
52233 Where are the calculations that go with a calculated risk?
52235 WHERE CAN THE MATTER BE
52236 Oh, dear, where can the matter be
52237 When it's converted to energy?
52238 There is a slight loss of parity.
52239 Johnny's so long at the fair.
52241 Where do I find the time for not reading so many books?
52244 Where do you go to get anorexia?
52247 Where humor is concerned there are no standards -- no one can say what
52248 is good or bad, although you can be sure that everyone will.
52249 -- John Kenneth Galbraith
52251 Where is John Carson now that we need him?
52254 Where it is a duty to worship the sun it is pretty sure to be a crime to
52255 examine the laws of heat.
52256 -- Christopher Morley
52258 Where, oh, where, are you tonight?
52259 Why did you leave me here all alone?
52260 I searched the world over, and I thought I'd found true love.
52261 You met another, and *PPHHHLLLBBBBTTT*, you wuz gone.
52263 Gloom, despair and agony on me.
52264 Deep dark depression, excessive misery.
52265 If it weren't for bad luck, I'd have no luck at all.
52266 Oh, gloom, despair and agony on me.
52269 Where, oh where, are you tonight?
52270 Why did you leave me here all alone?
52271 I searched the world over,
52272 And I thought I'd found true love,
52273 You met another and [Bronx cheer] you were gone!
52276 Where the hell is Wall Drug?
52278 Where the system is concerned, you're not allowed to ask "Why?".
52280 Where there are visible vapors, having their prevenance
52281 in ignited carbonaceous materials, there is conflagration.
52283 Where there is much light there is also much shadow.
52286 Where there's a whip there's a way.
52288 Where there's a will, there's a relative.
52290 Where there's a will, there's an Inheritance Tax.
52292 Where will it all end?
52293 Probably somewhere near where it all began.
52295 Where you stand depends on where you sit.
52296 -- Rufus Miles, HEW
52298 Whereof one cannot speak, thereof one must be silent.
52301 Where's the man could ease a heart
52303 -- Dorothy Parker, "The Satin Dress"
52305 ...whether it is better to spend a life not knowing what you want or to
52306 spend a life knowing exactly what you want and that you will never have it.
52309 Whether weary or unweary, O man, do not rest,
52310 Do not cease your single-handed struggle.
52311 Go on, do not rest.
52312 -- An old Gujarati hymn
52314 Whether you can hear it or not,
52315 The Universe is laughing behind your back.
52317 Which would you rather have, a bursting
52318 planet or an earthquake here and there?
52319 -- John Joseph Lynch
52321 While anyone can admit to themselves they were
52322 wrong, the true test is admission to someone else.
52324 While Europe's eye is fix'd on mighty things,
52325 The fate of empires and the fall of kings;
52326 While quacks of State must each produce his plan,
52327 And even children lisp the Rights of Man;
52328 Amid this mighty fuss just let me mention,
52329 The Rights of Woman merit some attention.
52331 Address on "The Rights of Woman", November 26, 1792
52333 While Europe's eye is fix'd on mighty things,
52334 The fate of empires and the fall of kings;
52335 While quacks of State must each produce his plan,
52336 And even children lisp the Rights of Man;
52337 Amid this mighty fuss just let me mention,
52338 The Rights of Woman merit some attention.
52339 -- Robert Burns, Address on "The Rights of Woman", 1792
52341 While having never invented a sin,
52342 I'm trying to perfect several.
52344 While he was in New York on location for _Bronco Billy_ (1980), Clint
52345 Eastwood agreed to a television interview. His host, somewhat hostile,
52346 began by defining a Clint Eastwood picture as a violent, ruthless,
52347 lawless, and bloody piece of mayhem, and then asked Eastwood himself to
52348 define a Clint Eastwood picture. "To me," said Eastwood calmly, "what
52349 a Clint Eastwood picture is, is one that I'm in."
52350 -- Boller and Davis, "Hollywood Anecdotes"
52352 While I nodded, nearly napping, suddenly there came a tapping,
52353 As of some one gently rapping, rapping at my chamber door.
52354 -- Edgar Allan Poe, "The Raven"
52356 [Quoted in "VMS Internals and Data Structures", V4.4, when
52357 referring to hardware interrupts.]
52359 And now I see with eye serene
52360 The very pulse of the machine.
52361 -- William Wordsworth, "She Was a Phantom of Delight"
52363 [Quoted in "VMS Internals and Data Structures", V4.4, when
52364 referring to software interrupts.]
52366 While money can't buy happiness, it certainly
52367 lets you choose your own form of misery.
52369 While money doesn't buy love, it puts you in a great bargaining position.
52371 While most peoples' opinions change,
52372 the conviction of their correctness never does.
52374 While passing a vacant lot late one night, a jogger was stopped by a man who
52375 held a gun to his head.
52376 "Who are you for," the gunman snarled, "Bush or Dukakis?"
52377 The runner thought for a moment, shifting nervously from foot to foot,
52378 as the muzzle pressed harder into his temple.
52379 "Bush or Dukakis?" the mugger insisted.
52380 Finally, the jogger shrugged his shoulders, closed his eyes and bowed
52381 his head. "Go ahead and shoot."
52383 While there's life, there's hope.
52384 -- Publius Terentius Afer (Terence)
52386 While walking down a crowded
52387 City street the other day,
52388 I heard a little urchin
52389 To a comrade turn and say,
52390 "Say, Chimmey, lemme tell youse,
52391 I'd be happy as a clam
52392 If only I was de feller dat
52393 Me mudder t'inks I am.
52395 "She t'inks I am a wonder, My friends, be yours a life of toil
52396 An' she knows her little lad Or undiluted joy,
52397 Could never mix wit' nuttin' You can learn a wholesome lesson
52398 Dat was ugly, mean or bad. From that small, untutored boy.
52399 Oh, lot o' times I sit and t'ink Don't aim to be an earthly saint
52400 How nice, 'twould be, gee whiz! With eyes fixed on a star:
52401 If a feller was de feller Just try to be the fellow that
52402 Dat his mudder t'inks he is." Your mother thinks you are.
52403 -- Will S. Adkin, "If I Only Was the Fellow"
52405 While we are sleeping, two-thirds of the world is plotting to do us in.
52408 While you don't greatly need the outside world, it's
52409 still very reassuring to know that it's still there.
52411 While you recently had your problems on the run,
52412 they've regrouped and are making another attack.
52414 While your friend holds you affectionately by both
52415 your hands you are safe, for you can watch both of his.
52417 Whip it, whip it good!
52420 You never know who is right, but you always know who is in charge.
52422 Whistler's mother is off her rocker.
52424 White dwarf seeks red giant for binary relationship.
52426 White House carpenters have reworked the master bedroom, remodeling it
52427 so that Ronnie can sleep with his head in the hall. That way, by the
52428 time he wakes up, somebody will have already shined his hair.
52431 The obvious answer is always overlooked.
52436 Owen's Commentary on White's Statement:
52437 ...they might want to cut it out...
52439 Byrd's Addition to Owen's Commentary:
52440 ...and they want to avoid a lengthy search.
52444 Who can take the demands of the SDS seriously?
52447 Who cares if it doesn't do anything? It was made with
52448 our new Triple-Iso-Bifurcated-Krypton-Gate-MOS process...
52450 Who dat who say "who dat" when I say "who dat"?
52453 Who does not love wine, women, and song,
52454 Remains a fool his whole life long.
52455 -- Johann Heinrich Voss
52457 Who does not trust enough will not be trusted.
52460 Who goeth a-borrowing goeth a-sorrowing.
52463 Who is D.B. Cooper, and where is he now?
52467 Who is W.O. Baker, and why is he saying those terrible things about me?
52469 Who loves me will also love my dog.
52472 Who loves not wisely but too well
52473 Will look on Helen's face in hell,
52474 But he whose love is thin and wise
52475 Will view John Knox in Paradise.
52478 Who made the world I cannot tell;
52479 'Tis made, and here am I in hell.
52480 My hand, though now my knuckles bleed,
52481 I never soiled with such a deed.
52484 Who needs companionship when you
52485 can sit alone in your room and drink?
52487 Who on earth would eat a charred caterpillar!?
52488 No, no, you SINGE 'em! You SINGE 'em and eat 'em!
52490 Who the hell wants to hear actors talk?
52491 -- Harry Warner, Warner Bros. Pictures, c. 1927
52493 Who to himself is law no law doth need,
52494 offends no law, and is a king indeed.
52497 Who took the MMMMMM out of MURINE?
52499 Who was that masked man?
52501 Who will take care of the world after you're gone?
52503 "WHOA!! Ken and Barbie are having TOO MUCH FUN!!
52504 It must be the NEGATIVE IONS!!"
52505 -- Zippy the Pinhead
52507 Whoever dies with the most toys wins.
52509 Whoever fights monsters should see to it that in the process he does not
52510 become a monster. And when you look into an abyss, the abyss also looks
52512 -- Friedrich Nietzsche
52514 Whoever fights monsters should see to it that in the process he does not
52515 become a monster. And when you look long into an abyss, the abyss also
52519 Whoever named it "necking" was a poor judge of anatomy.
52522 Whoever tells a lie cannot be pure in heart -- and only the
52523 pure in heart can make a good soup.
52524 -- Ludwig Van Beethoven
52526 Whoever would lie usefully should lie seldom.
52528 Whom computers would destroy, they must first drive insane.
52530 Whom the mad would destroy, first they make Gods.
52535 Who's scruffy-looking?
52538 Why a man would want a wife is a big mystery to some people.
52539 Why a man would want *two* wives is a bigamystery.
52541 Why am I so soft in the middle when the rest of my life is so hard?
52544 Why are programmers non-productive?
52545 Because their time is wasted in meetings.
52547 Why are programmers rebellious?
52548 Because the management interferes too much.
52550 Why are the programmers resigning one by one?
52551 Because they are burnt out.
52553 Having worked for poor management, they no longer value their jobs.
52554 -- Geoffrey James, "The Tao of Programming"
52556 Why are you so hard to ignore?
52558 Why are you watching
52559 The washing machine?
52560 I love entertainment
52561 So long as it's clean.
52563 Professor Doberman:
52564 While the preceding poem is unarguably a change from the guarded
52565 pessimism of "The Hound of Heaven," it cannot be regarded as an unqualified
52566 improvement. Obscurity is of value only when it tends to clarify the poetic
52567 experience. As much as one is compelled to admire the poem's technique, one
52568 must question whether its byplay of complex literary allusions does not in
52569 fact distract from the unity of the whole. In the final analysis, one
52570 receives the distinct impression that the poem's length could safely have
52571 been reduced by a factor of eight or ten without sacrificing any of its
52572 meaning. It is to be hoped that further publication of this poem can be
52573 suspended pending a thorough investigation of its potential subversive
52576 Why attack God? He may be as miserable as we are.
52579 Why be a man when you can be a success?
52582 Why be difficult when, with a bit of effort, you could be impossible?
52584 Why be difficult, when, with just a little effort, you can be impossible?
52586 Why be difficult, when, with just a
52587 little more effort, you can be impossible?
52589 Why bother building anymore nuclear
52590 warheads until we use the ones we have?
52592 Why did the Lord give us so much quickness of
52593 movement unless it was to avoid responsibility with?
52595 Why did the Roman Empire collapse?
52596 What's the Latin for office automation?
52598 Why do mathematicians insist on using words that already have another
52599 meaning? "It is the complex case that is easier to deal with." "If it
52600 doesn't happen at a corner, but at an edge, it nonetheless happens at a
52603 Why do seagulls live near the sea?
52604 'Cause if they lived near the bay, they'd be called baygulls.
52606 Why do so many foods come packaged in plastic?
52607 It's quite uncanny.
52609 Why do they call a fast a fast, when it goes so slow?
52611 Why do they call it baby-SITTING when all you do is run after them?
52613 Why do we want intelligent terminals
52614 when there are so many stupid users?
52616 Why does a hearse horse snicker, hauling a lawyer away?
52619 Why does a ship carry cargo and a truck carry shipments?
52621 Why does man kill? He kills for food.
52622 And not only food: frequently there must be a beverage.
52623 -- Woody Allen, "Without Feathers"
52625 Why doesn't everybody leave everybody else the hell alone?
52628 Why don't somebody print the truth about our present economic condition?
52629 We spent years of wild buying on credit, everything under the sun, whether
52630 we needed it or not, and now we are having to pay for it, howling like a
52631 pet coon. This would be a great world to dance in if we didn't have to
52633 -- The Best of Will Rogers
52635 Why don't you fix your little problem... and light this candle?
52636 -- Alan Shepherd, the first man into space, Gemini program
52638 Why, every one as they like; as the good woman said when she
52642 Why I Can't Go Out With You:
52644 I'd LOVE to, but...
52645 -- I have to answer all of my "occupant" letters.
52646 -- None of my socks match.
52647 -- I'm having all my plants neutered.
52648 -- I changed the lock on my door and now I can't get out.
52649 -- My yucca plant is feeling yucky.
52650 -- I'm touring China with a wok band.
52651 -- My chocolate-appreciation class meets that night.
52652 -- I'm running off to Yugoslavia with a foreign-exchange student
52653 named Basil Metabolism.
52654 -- There are important world issues that need worrying about.
52655 -- I'm going to count the bristles in my toothbrush.
52656 -- I prefer to remain an enigma.
52657 -- I think you want the OTHER Peggy/Cathy/Mike/whomever.
52658 -- I feel a song coming on.
52660 Why I Can't Go Out With You:
52662 I'd LOVE to, but...
52663 -- I have to draw "Cubby" for an art scholarship.
52664 -- I have to sit up with a sick ant.
52665 -- I'm trying to be less popular.
52666 -- My bathroom tiles need grouting.
52667 -- I'm waiting to see if I'm already a winner.
52668 -- My subconscious says no.
52669 -- I just picked up a book called "Glue in Many Lands" and I
52670 can't seem to put it down.
52671 -- My favorite commercial is on TV.
52672 -- I have to study for my blood test.
52673 -- I've been traded to Cincinnati.
52674 -- I'm having my baby shoes bronzed.
52675 -- I have to go to court for kitty littering.
52677 Why I Can't Go Out With You:
52679 I'd LOVE to, but...
52680 -- I have to floss my cat.
52681 -- I've dedicated my life to linguine.
52682 -- I need to spend more time with my blender.
52683 -- It wouldn't be fair to the other Beautiful People.
52684 -- It's my night to pet the dog/ferret/goldfish/radio.
52685 -- I'm going downtown to try on some gloves.
52686 -- I have to check the freshness dates on my dairy products.
52687 -- I'm due at the bakery to watch the buns rise.
52688 -- I have an appointment with a cuticle specialist.
52689 -- I have some really hard words to look up.
52691 Why I Can't Go Out With You:
52693 I'd LOVE to, but...
52694 -- I'm trying to see how long I can go without saying yes.
52695 -- I'm attending the opening of my garage door.
52696 -- The monsters haven't turned blue yet, and I have to eat more dots.
52697 -- I'm converting my calendar watch from Julian to Gregorian.
52698 -- I have to fulfill my potential.
52699 -- I don't want to leave my comfort zone.
52700 -- It's too close to the turn of the century.
52701 -- I have to bleach my hare.
52702 -- I'm worried about my vertical hold knob.
52703 -- I left my body in my other clothes.
52705 Why I Can't Go Out With You:
52707 I'd LOVE to, but...
52708 -- I've got a Friends of the Lowly Rutabaga meeting.
52709 -- I promised to help a friend fold road maps.
52710 -- I've been scheduled for a karma transplant.
52711 -- I'm staying home to work on my cottage cheese sculpture.
52712 -- It's my parakeet's bowling night.
52713 -- I'm building a plant from a kit.
52714 -- There's a disturbance in the Force.
52715 -- I'm doing door-to-door collecting for static cling.
52716 -- I'm teaching my ferret to yodel.
52717 -- My crayons all melted together.
52719 Why is it called a funny bone when it hurts so much?
52721 Why is it taking so long for her to bring out all the good in you?
52723 Why is it that we rejoice at a birth and grieve at a funeral?
52724 It is because we are not the person involved.
52727 Why is the alphabet in that order? Is it because of that song?
52730 Why isn't there a special name for the tops of your feet?
52733 Why isn't there some cheap and easy
52734 way to prove how much she means to me?
52736 Why my thoughts are my own, when they are in, but when they are out they
52738 -- Susanna Martin, executed for witchcraft, 1681
52740 Why not? -- What? -- Why not? -- Why should I not send it? -- Why should I
52741 not dispatch it? -- Why not? -- Strange! I don't know why I shouldn't --
52742 Well, then -- You will do me this favor. -- Why not? -- Why should you not
52743 do it? -- Why not? -- Strange! I shall do the same for you, when you want
52744 me to. Why not? Why should I not do it for you? Strange! Why not? --
52745 I can't think why not.
52746 -- Wolfgang Amadeus Mozart, from a letter to his cousin Maria,
52747 "The Definitive Biography of PDQ Bach", Peter Schickele
52749 Why not go out on a limb?
52750 Isn't that where the fruit is?
52752 Why on earth do people buy old bottles of wine when they can get a
52753 fresh one for a quarter of the price?
52755 Why was I born with such contemporaries?
52758 Why, when no honest man will deny in private that every ultimate problem is
52759 wrapped in the profoundest mystery, do honest men proclaim in pulpits that
52760 unhesitating certainty is the duty of the most foolish and ignorant? Is it
52761 not a spectacle to make the angels laugh? We are a company of ignorant
52762 beings, feeling our way through mists and darkness, learning only be
52763 incessantly repeated blunders, obtaining a glimmering of truth by falling
52764 into every conceivable error, dimly discerning light enough for our daily
52765 needs, but hopelessly differing whenever we attempt to describe the ultimate
52766 origin or end of our paths; and yet, when one of us ventures to declare that
52767 we don't know the map of the universe as well as the map of our infinitesimal
52768 parish, he is hooted, reviled, and perhaps told that he will be damned to all
52769 eternity for his faithlessness.
52770 -- Leslie Stephen, "An Agnostic's Apology",
52771 Fortnightly Review, 1876
52773 Why won't you let me kiss you goodnight? Is it something I said?
52776 Why would anyone want to be called "Later"?
52778 Why you say you no bunny rabbit when you have little powder-puff tail?
52779 -- The Tasmanian Devil
52782 Government expands to absorb all
52783 available revenue and then some.
52786 A pat on the back is only a few
52787 centimeters from a kick in the pants.
52789 Will Rogers never met you.
52791 Will you loan me $20.00 and only give me ten of it?
52792 That way, you will owe me ten, and I'll owe you ten, and we'll be even!
52794 Will your long-winded speeches never end?
52795 What ails you that you keep on arguing?
52798 William Safire's Rules for Writers:
52799 Remember to never split an infinitive. The passive voice
52800 should never be used. Do not put statements in the negative form.
52801 Verbs have to agree with their subjects. Proofread carefully to see if
52802 you words out. If you reread your work, you can find on rereading a
52803 great deal of repetition can be avoided by rereading and editing. A
52804 writer must not shift your point of view. And don't start a sentence
52805 with a conjunction. (Remember, too, a preposition is a terrible word
52806 to end a sentence with.) Don't overuse exclamation marks!! Place
52807 pronouns as close as possible, especially in long sentences, as of 10
52808 or more words, to their antecedents. Writing carefully, dangling
52809 participles must be avoided. If any word is improper at the end of a
52810 sentence, a linking verb is. Take the bull by the hand and avoid
52811 mixing metaphors. Avoid trendy locutions that sound flaky. Everyone
52812 should be careful to use a singular pronoun with singular nouns in
52813 their writing. Always pick on the correct idiom. The adverb always
52814 follows the verb. Last but not least, avoid cliches like the plague;
52815 seek viable alternatives.
52817 Williams and Holland's Law:
52818 If enough data is collected,
52819 anything may be proven by statistical methods.
52821 Willie in the cauldron fell; Willie saw some dynamite,
52822 See the grief on mother's brow; Couldn't understand it quite;
52823 Mother loved her darling well -- Curiosity never pays:
52824 Willie's quite hard-boiled by now. It rained Willie seven days.
52826 Little Willie with a shout, William in a nice new sash,
52827 Gouged the baby's eyeballs out; Fell in the fire and burned to an ash.
52828 Stamped on them to make them pop. Now, although the room grows chilly,
52829 Mother cried, "Now, William, stop!" I haven't the heart to poke poor Billy.
52831 William with a thirst for gore, Little Willie mean as hell,
52832 Nailed the baby to the door. Threw his sister in the well!
52833 Mother said, with humor quaint: Said his mother when drawing water,
52834 "Careful, Will, don't mar the paint." 'sure is hard to raise a daughter.'
52835 -- Harry Graham, "Ruthless Rhymes for Heartless Homes", 1899
52837 Wilner's Observation:
52838 All conversations with a potato should be conducted in private.
52840 Winning isn't everything. It's the only thing.
52843 Winning isn't everything, but losing isn't anything.
52845 Winny and I lived in a house that ran on static electricity...
52846 If you wanted to run the blender, you had to rub balloons on your
52847 head... if you wanted to cook, you had to pull off a sweater real quick...
52850 Winter is nature's way of saying, "Up yours."
52853 Winter is the season in which people try to keep the house
52854 as warm as it was in the summer, when they complained about the heat.
52856 [Wisdom] is a tree of life to those laying
52857 hold of her, making happy each one holding her fast.
52858 -- Proverbs 3:18, NSV
52860 Wisdom is knowing what to do with what you know.
52863 Wisdom is rarely found on the best-seller list.
52865 Wishing without work is like fishing without bait.
52869 The salt with which the American Humorist spoils his cookery...
52872 With a rubber duck, one's never alone.
52874 With all the fancy scientists in the world,
52875 why can't they just once build a nuclear balm.
52877 With all the talent around, it's sort of
52878 amazing that a woman could be up here with us.
52879 -- Ralph Kiner, on introducing an award winner
52881 With clothes the new are best, with friends the old are best.
52883 With Congress, every time they make a joke it's a law; and every time
52884 they make a law it's a joke.
52887 With every passing hour our solar system comes forty-three thousand
52888 miles closer to globular cluster M13 in the constellation Hercules,
52889 and still there are some misfits who continue to insist that there
52890 is no such thing as progress.
52893 With her body, woman is more sincere than man; but with her mind
52894 she lies. And when she lies, she does not believe herself.
52897 With listening comes wisdom, with speaking repentance.
52899 With reasonable men I will reason;
52900 with humane men I will plead;
52901 but to tyrants I will give no quarter.
52902 -- William Lloyd Garrison
52904 With the end of the football season, a star player for the college team
52905 celebrated the relaxation of team curfew by attending a late-night campus
52906 party. Soon after arriving, he became captivated by a beautiful coed and
52907 eased into a conversation with her by asking if she met many dates at
52909 "Oh, I have a three point eight, so I'm much more attracted to the
52910 strong academic types than to the dumb party animals," she said. "What's
52912 Grinning ear to ear, the jock boasted, "I get about twenty-five in
52913 the city and forty on the highway."
52915 With the end of the football season, a star player on the college team was
52916 celebrating the relaxation of his curfew by attending a late-night campus
52917 party. Soon after arriving, he was captivated by a beautiful coed and
52918 eased into a conversation with her by asking if she met many dates at
52920 "Oh, I have a three point eight, so I'm much more attracted to the
52921 strong academic types than to the dumb party animals," she said. "What's
52923 Grinning from ear to ear, the jock boasted, "I get at least
52924 twenty-five in the city and forty on the highway!"
52926 With women, I've got a long bamboo pole with a leather loop on the end of
52927 it. I slip the loop around their necks so they can't get away or come too
52928 close. Like catching snakes.
52931 Within a computer, natural language is unnatural.
52933 Within a month [in 1969] I had met the first of a small but not uninfluential
52934 community of people who violently opposed SALT for a simple reason: It might
52935 keep America from developing a first-strike capability against the Soviet
52936 Union. I'll never forget being lectured by an Air Force colonel about how
52937 we should have "nuked" the Soviets in late 1940s before they got The Bomb.
52938 I was told that if SALT would go away, we'd soon have the capability to nuke
52939 them again -- and this time we'd use it.
52940 -- Roger Molander, former nuclear strategist for the
52941 White House's National Security Council, Washington
52942 Post, 21 March, 1982
52944 Without adventure, civilization is in full decay.
52945 -- Alfred North Whitehead
52947 Without coffee he could not work, or at least he could not have worked in the
52948 way he did. In addition to paper and pens, he took with him everywhere as an
52949 indispensable article of equipment the coffee machine, which was no less
52950 important to him than his table or his white robe.
52951 -- Stefan Zweigs, Biography of Balzac
52953 Without fools there would be no wisdom.
52955 Without ice cream life and fame are meaningless.
52957 Without life, Biology itself would be impossible.
52959 Without love intelligence is dangerous;
52960 without intelligence love is not enough.
52963 With/Without - and who'll deny it's what the fighting's all about?
52966 Woke up this mornin' an' I had myself a beer,
52967 Yeah, Ah woke up this mornin' an' I had myself a beer
52968 The future's uncertain and the end is always near.
52969 -- Jim Morrison, "Roadhouse Blues"
52971 Woke up this morning, don't believe what I saw. Hundred billion
52972 bottles washed up on the shore. Seems I never noted being alone.
52973 Hundred billion castaways looking for a call.
52976 A man who knows all the ankles.
52979 An animal usually living in the vicinity of Man, and
52980 having a rudimentary susceptibility to domestication.
52983 Woman: "Is Yoo-Hoo hyphenated?"
52984 Yogi Berra: "No, ma'am, its not even carbonated."
52986 Woman are like elephants to me: I like to look at them, but I wouldn't
52990 Woman inspires us to great things, and prevents us from achieving them.
52993 Woman is generally so bad that the difference
52994 between a good and a bad woman scarcely exists.
52997 Woman on Street: Sir, you are drunk; very, very drunk.
52998 Winston Churchill: Madame, you are ugly; very, very ugly.
52999 I shall be sober in the morning.
53001 Woman was God's second mistake.
53004 Woman was taken out of man -- not out of his head, to rule over him; nor
53005 out of his feet, to be trampled under by him; but out of his side, to be
53006 equal to him -- under his arm, that he might protect her, and near his heart
53007 that he might love her.
53010 Woman would be more charming if one could
53011 fall into her arms without falling into her hands.
53014 Woman's advice has little value, but he who won't take it is a fool.
53017 Women are a problem, but if you haven't already guessed,
53018 they're the kind of problem I enjoy wrestling with.
53021 Women are all alike. When they're maids they're mild as milk:
53022 once make 'em wives, and they lean their backs against their
53023 marriage certificates, and defy you.
53026 Women are always anxious to urge bachelors to matrimony; is it
53027 from charity, or revenge?
53028 -- Gustave Vapereau
53030 Women are just like men, only different.
53032 Women are like elephants to me: I like to
53033 look at them, but I wouldn't want to own one.
53036 Women are not much, but they are the best other sex we have.
53039 Women are nothing but machines for producing children.
53042 Women are wiser than men because they know less and understand more.
53045 Women aren't as mere as they used to be.
53048 Women can keep a secret just as well as men,
53049 but it takes more of them to do it.
53051 Women complain about sex more than men. Their gripes fall into two
53052 categories: (1) Not enough and (2) Too much.
53055 Women, deceived by men, want to marry them; it is a kind of revenge
53056 as good as any other.
53057 -- Philippe De Remi
53059 Women give themselves to God when the
53060 Devil wants nothing more to do with them.
53063 Women give to men the very gold of their lives. Possibly;
53064 but they invariably want it back in such very small change.
53067 Women in love consist of a little sighing, a little
53068 crying, a little dying -- and a good deal of lying.
53071 Women of genius commonly have masculine faces, figures and manners.
53072 In transplanting brains to an alien soil God leaves a little of the
53073 original earth clinging to the roots.
53076 Women reason with the heart and are much less often wrong
53077 than men who reason with the head.
53080 Women sometimes forgive a man who forces the opportunity,
53081 but never a man who misses one.
53082 -- Charles De Talleyrand-Perigord
53084 Women treat us just as humanity treats its gods. They worship
53085 us and are always bothering us to do something for them.
53088 Women want their men to be cops. They want you to punish them and tell
53089 them what the limits are. The only thing that women hate worse from a man
53090 than being slapped is when you get on your knees and say you're sorry.
53093 Women waste men's lives and think they have
53094 indemnified them by a few gracious words.
53095 -- Honore de Balzac
53097 Women, when they are not in love, have all
53098 the cold blood of an experienced attorney.
53099 -- Honore de Balzac
53101 Women, when they have made a sheep of a man,
53102 always tell him that he is a lion with a will of iron.
53103 -- Honore de Balzac
53105 Women who desire to be like men, lack ambition.
53107 Women who want to be equal to men lack imagination.
53109 Women wish to be loved without a why or a wherefore;
53110 not because they are pretty, or good, or well-bred, or
53111 graceful, or intelligent, but because they are themselves.
53114 Women's Libbers are OK, I just wouldn't want my sister to marry one.
53116 Women's virtue is man's greatest invention.
53117 -- Cornelia Otis Skinner
53119 Wonder is the feeling of a philosopher,
53120 and philosophy begins in wonder.
53121 Socrates, quoting Plato
53124 Your hangover just makes it seem terrible.
53127 A theory is better than its explanation.
53129 Woody: What's the story, Mr. Peterson?
53130 Norm: The Bobbsey twins go to the brewery.
53131 Let's just cut to the happy ending.
53132 -- Cheers, Airport V
53134 Woody: Hey, Mr. Peterson, there's a cold one waiting for you.
53135 Norm: I know, and if she calls, I'm not here.
53136 -- Cheers, Bar Wars II: The Woodman Strikes Back
53139 Norm: Have I gotten that predictable? Good.
53140 -- Cheers, Don't Paint Your Chickens
53142 Woody: Hey, Mr. Peterson, Jack Frost nipping at your nose?
53143 Norm: Yep, now let's get Joe Beer nipping at my liver, huh?
53144 -- Cheers, Feeble Attraction
53146 Sam: What are you up to Norm?
53147 Norm: My ideal weight if I were eleven feet tall.
53148 -- Cheers, Bar Wars III: The Return of Tecumseh
53150 Woody: Nice cold beer coming up, Mr. Peterson.
53151 Norm: You mean, `Nice cold beer going *down* Mr. Peterson.'
53152 -- Cheers, Loverboyd
53154 Woody: Hey, Mr. Peterson, what do you say to a cold one?
53155 Norm: See you later, Vera, I'll be at Cheers.
53156 -- Cheers, Norm's Last Hurrah
53158 Sam: Well, look at you. You look like the cat that
53159 swallowed the canary.
53160 Norm: And I need a beer to wash him down.
53161 -- Cheers, Norm's Last Hurrah
53163 Woody: Would you like a beer, Mr. Peterson?
53164 Norm: No, I'd like a dead cat in a glass.
53165 -- Cheers, Little Carla, Happy at Last, Part 2
53167 Woody: Hey, Mr. Peterson, what's up?
53168 Norm: The warranty on my liver.
53169 -- Cheers, Breaking In Is Hard to Do
53171 Sam: What can I do for you, Norm?
53172 Norm: Open up those beer taps and, oh, take the day off, Sam.
53173 -- Cheers, Veggie-Boyd
53175 Woody: What's going on, Mr. Peterson?
53176 Norm: Another layer for the winter, Wood.
53177 -- Cheers, It's a Wonderful Wife
53179 Woody: How are you feeling today, Mr. Peterson?
53181 Woody: Oh, I'm sorry to hear that.
53182 Norm: No, I meant `pour'.
53183 -- Cheers, Strange Bedfellows, Part 3
53185 Woody: Hey, Mr. Peterson, what's the story?
53186 Norm: Boy meets beer. Boy drinks beer. Boy gets another beer.
53187 -- Cheers, The Proposal
53189 Paul: Hey Norm, how's the world been treating you?
53190 Norm: Like a baby treats a diaper.
53191 -- Cheers, Tan 'n Wash
53193 Woody: What's going on, Mr. Peterson?
53194 Norm: Let's talk about what's going *in* Mr. Peterson. A beer, Woody.
53195 -- Cheers, Paint Your Office
53197 Sam: How's life treating you?
53198 Norm: It's not, Sammy, but that doesn't mean you can't.
53199 -- Cheers, A Kiss is Still a Kiss
53201 Woody: Can I pour you a draft, Mr. Peterson?
53202 Norm: A little early, isn't it Woody?
53204 Norm: No, for stupid questions.
53205 -- Cheers, Let Sleeping Drakes Lie
53207 Woody: What's happening, Mr. Peterson?
53208 Norm: The question is, Woody, why is it happening to me?
53209 -- Cheers, Strange Bedfellows, Part 1
53211 Woody: What's going down, Mr. Peterson?
53212 Norm: My cheeks on this barstool.
53213 -- Cheers, Strange Bedfellows, Part 2
53215 Woody: Hey, Mr. Peterson, can I pour you a beer?
53216 Norm: Well, okay, Woody, but be sure to stop me at one. ...
53217 Eh, make that one-thirty.
53218 -- Cheers, Strange Bedfellows, Part 2
53220 Woolsey-Swanson Rule:
53221 People would rather live with a problem they cannot
53222 solve rather than accept a solution they cannot understand.
53224 Words are the voice of the heart.
53226 Words can never express what words can never express.
53228 Words have a longer life than deeds.
53231 Words must be weighed, not counted.
53234 The blessed respite from screaming kids and
53235 soap operas for which you actually get paid.
53237 Work consists of whatever a body is obliged to do.
53238 Play consists of whatever a body is not obliged to do.
53241 Work continues in this area.
53242 -- DEC's SPR-Answering-Automaton
53244 Work expands to fill the time available.
53245 -- Cyril Northcote Parkinson, "The Economist", 1955
53247 Work is of two kinds: first, altering the position of matter at or near
53248 the earth's surface relative to other matter; second, telling other people
53250 -- Bertrand Russell
53252 Work is the crab grass in the lawn of life.
53255 Work is the curse of the drinking classes.
53258 Work like hell, tell everyone everything you know, close a deal with
53259 a handshake, and have fun.
53260 -- Harold "Doc" Edgerton, summing up his life's philosophy,
53261 shortly before dying at the age of 86.
53263 Work smarter, not harder, and be careful of your speling.
53265 Work without a vision is slavery,
53266 Vision without work is a pipe dream,
53267 But vision with work is the hope of the world.
53269 Working with Julie Andrews is like getting hit over the head with
53271 -- Christopher Plummer
53273 World tensions have, if anything, increased in the quarter century
53274 since H.G. Wells uttered his glum warning: "There is no more evil
53275 thing on earth than race prejudice, none at all. I write deliberately
53276 -- it is the worst single thing in life now. It justifies and holds
53277 together more baseness, cruelty and abomination than any other sort of
53278 error in the world."
53281 Worrying is like rocking in a rocking chair--
53282 It gives you something to do, but it doesn't get you anywhere.
53284 Worst Month of 1981 for Downhill Skiing:
53285 August. The lift lines are the shortest, though.
53286 -- Steve Rubenstein
53288 Worst Month of the Year:
53289 February. February has only 28 days in it, which means that if
53290 you rent an apartment, you are paying for three full days you
53291 don't get. Try to avoid Februarys whenever possible.
53292 -- Steve Rubenstein
53294 Worst Vegetable of the Year:
53295 Brussel sprout. This is also the worst vegetable of next year.
53296 -- Steve Rubenstein
53299 Yes, but not worth going to see.
53302 -- Sir George Bidell Airy, KCB, MA, LLD, DCL, FRS, FRAS
53303 (Astronomer Royal of Great Britain), estimating for the
53304 Chancellor of the Exchequer the potential value of the
53305 "analytical engine" invented by Charles Babbage, September
53313 Would it help if I got out and pushed?
53314 -- Princess Leia Organa
53316 Would that my hand were as swift as my tongue.
53319 Would the last person to leave Michigan please turn out the lights?
53321 Would ye both eat your cake and have your cake?
53324 Would you care to drift aimlessly in my direction?
53326 Would you care to view the ruins of my good intentions?
53328 Would you like to be tried in court by people
53329 who weren't smart enough to get out of jury duty?
53331 Would you people stop playing these stupid games?!?!?!!!!
53333 Would you please have another look at my nose and put in that cocaine
53335 -- Adolf Hitler, quoted by Dr. Giesing in Nuremberg trial
53338 Would you *really* want to get on a non-stop flight?
53341 "Would you tell me, please, which way I ought to go from here?"
53342 "That depends a good deal on where you want to get to," said the Cat.
53345 Wouldn't this be a great world if being insecure and desperate were
53347 -- "Broadcast News"
53349 Wrinkles should merely indicate where smiles have been.
53352 Write a wise saying and your name will live forever.
53355 Write yourself a threatening letter and pen a defiant reply.
53358 A small sticker created to cover the unsightly notch carelessly
53359 left by disk manufacturers. The use of the tab creates an error
53360 message once in a while, but its aesthetic value far outweighs
53361 the momentary inconvenience.
53364 write-protect tab, n:
53365 A small sticker created to cover the unsightly notch carelessly left
53366 by disk manufacturers. The use of the tab creates an error message
53367 once in a while, but its aesthetic value far outweighs the momentary
53371 Writers who use a computer swear to its liberating power in tones that bear
53372 witness to the apocalyptic power of a new divinity. Their conviction results
53373 from something deeper than mere gratitude for the computer's conveniences.
53374 Every new medium of writing brings about new intensities of religious belief
53375 and new schisms among believers. In the 16th century the printed book helped
53376 make possible the split between Catholics and Protestants. In the 20th
53377 century this history of tragedy and triumph is repeating itself as a farce.
53378 Those who worship the Apple computer and those who put their faith in the IBM
53379 PC are equally convinced that the other camp is damned or deluded. Each cult
53380 holds in contempt the rituals and the laws of the other. Each thinks that it
53381 is itself the one hope for salvation.
53382 -- Edward Mendelson, "The New Republic", February 22, 1988
53384 Writing free verse is like playing tennis with the net down.
53386 Writing is easy; all you do is sit staring at the blank sheet of
53387 paper until drops of blood form on your forehead.
53390 Writing is turning one's worst moments into money.
53393 Writing software is more fun than working.
53398 What You See Is What You Get.
53401 Accept any substitute.
53402 If it's broke, don't fix it.
53403 If it ain't broke, fix it.
53404 Form follows malfunction.
53405 The Cutting Edge of Obsolescence.
53406 The trailing edge of software technology.
53407 Armageddon never looked so good.
53408 Japan's secret weapon.
53409 You'll envy the dead.
53410 Making the world safe for competing window systems.
53411 Let it get in YOUR way.
53412 The problem for your problem.
53413 If it starts working, we'll fix it. Pronto.
53414 It could be worse, but it'll take time.
53415 Simplicity made complex.
53416 The greatest productivity aid since typhoid.
53417 Flakey and built to stay that way.
53419 One thousand monkeys. One thousand MicroVAXes. One thousand years.
53423 It's not how slow you make it. It's how you make it slow.
53424 The windowing system preferred by masochists 3 to 1.
53425 Built to take on the world... and lose!
53426 Don't try it 'til you've knocked it.
53427 Power tools for Power Fools.
53428 Putting new limits on productivity.
53429 The closer you look, the cruftier we look.
53430 Design by counterexample.
53431 A new level of software disintegration.
53432 No hardware is safe.
53434 Rationalization, not realization.
53435 Old-world software cruftsmanship at its finest.
53436 Gratuitous incompatibility.
53438 THE user interference management system.
53439 You can't argue with failure.
53440 You haven't died 'til you've used it.
53442 The environment of today... tomorrow!
53446 Something you can be ashamed of.
53447 30%% more entropy than the leading window system.
53448 The first fully modular software disaster.
53449 Rome was destroyed in a day.
53450 Warn your friends about it.
53451 Climbing to new depths. Sinking to new heights.
53452 An accident that couldn't wait to happen.
53453 Don't wait for the movie.
53454 Never use it after a big meal.
53456 Plumbing the depths of human incompetence.
53457 It'll make your day.
53458 Don't get frustrated without it.
53459 Power tools for power losers.
53460 A software disaster of Biblical proportions.
53461 Never had it. Never will.
53462 The software with no visible means of support.
53463 More than just a generation behind.
53465 Hindenburg. Titanic. Edsel.
53469 The ultimate bottleneck.
53470 Flawed beyond belief.
53471 The only thing you have to fear.
53472 Somewhere between chaos and insanity.
53473 On autopilot to oblivion.
53474 The joke that kills.
53475 A disgrace you can be proud of.
53476 A mistake carried out to perfection.
53477 Belongs more to the problem set than the solution set.
53478 To err is X windows.
53479 Ignorance is our most important resource.
53480 Complex nonsolutions to simple nonproblems.
53481 Built to fall apart.
53482 Nullifying centuries of progress.
53483 Falling to new depths of inefficiency.
53484 The last thing you need.
53485 The defacto substandard.
53487 Elevating brain damage to an art form.
53491 We will dump no core before its time.
53492 One good crash deserves another.
53493 A bad idea whose time has come. And gone.
53495 It didn't even look good on paper.
53496 You laugh now, but you'll be laughing harder later!
53497 A new concept in abuser interfaces.
53498 How can something get so bad, so quickly?
53499 It could happen to you.
53500 The art of incompetence.
53501 You have nothing to lose but your lunch.
53502 When uselessness just isn't enough.
53503 More than a mere hindrance. It's a whole new barrier!
53504 When you can't afford to be right.
53505 And you thought we couldn't make it worse.
53507 If it works, it isn't X windows.
53510 You'd better sit down.
53511 Don't laugh. It could be YOUR thesis project.
53512 Why do it right when you can do it wrong?
53513 Live the nightmare.
53514 Our bugs run faster.
53515 When it absolutely, positively HAS to crash overnight.
53516 There ARE no rules.
53517 You'll wish we were kidding.
53518 Everything you never wanted in a window system. And more.
53519 Dissatisfaction guaranteed.
53520 There's got to be a better way.
53521 The next best thing to keypunching.
53522 Leave the thrashing to us.
53523 We wrote the book on core dumps.
53524 Even your dog won't like it.
53525 More than enough rope.
53526 Garbage at your fingertips.
53528 Incompatibility. Shoddiness. Uselessness.
53531 Xerox does it again and again and again and...
53533 Xerox never comes up with anything original.
53535 XEROX never does anything original.
53538 If the Earth could be made to rotate twice as fast, managers would
53539 get twice as much done. If the Earth could be made to rotate twenty
53540 times as fast, everyone else would get twice as much done since all
53541 the managers would fly off.
53543 It costs a lot to build bad products.
53545 There are many highly successful businesses in the United States.
53546 There are also many highly paid executives. The policy is not to
53547 intermingle the two.
53549 After the year 2015, there will be no airplane crashes. There will
53550 be no takeoffs either, because electronics will occupy 100 percent
53551 of every airplane's weight.
53553 The last 10 percent of performance generates one-third of the cost
53554 and two-thirds of the problems.
53555 -- Norman Augustine
53558 The more one produces, the less one gets.
53560 Simple systems are not feasible because they require infinite testing.
53562 Hardware works best when it matters the least.
53564 Aircraft flight in the 21st century will always be in a westerly
53565 direction, preferably supersonic, crossing time zones to provide the
53566 additional hours needed to fix the broken electronics.
53568 One should expect that the expected can be prevented, but the
53569 unexpected should have been expected.
53571 A billion saved is a billion earned.
53572 -- Norman Augustine
53575 Two-thirds of the Earth's surface is covered with water. The other
53576 third is covered with auditors from headquarters.
53578 The more time you spend talking about what you have been doing, the
53579 less time you have to spend doing what you have been talking about.
53580 Eventually, you spend more and more time talking about less and less
53581 until finally you spend all your time talking about nothing.
53583 Regulations grow at the same rate as weeds.
53585 The average regulation has a life span one-fifth as long as a
53586 chimpanzee's and one-tenth as long as a human's -- but four times
53587 as long as the official's who created it.
53589 By the time of the United States Tricentennial, there will be more
53590 government workers than there are workers.
53592 People working in the private sector should try to save money.
53593 There remains the possibility that it may someday be valuable again.
53594 -- Norman Augustine
53596 X-rated movies are all alike -- the only thing
53597 they leave to the imagination is the plot.
53600 In the year 2054, the entire defense budget will purchase just one
53601 aircraft. This aircraft will have to be shared by the Air Force and
53602 Navy 3-1/2 days each per week except for leap year, when it will be
53603 made available to the Marines for the extra day.
53605 Software is like entropy. It is difficult to grasp, weighs nothing,
53606 and obeys the Second Law of Thermodynamics, i.e., it always increases.
53608 It is very expensive to achieve high unreliability. It is not uncommon
53609 to increase the cost of an item by a factor of ten for each factor of
53610 ten degradation accomplished.
53612 Although most products will soon be too costly to purchase, there will
53613 be a thriving market in the sale of books on how to fix them.
53615 In any given year, Congress will appropriate the amount of funding
53616 approved the prior year plus three-fourths of whatever change the
53617 administration requests -- minus 4-percent tax.
53618 -- Norman Augustine
53621 It's easy to get a loan unless you need it.
53623 If stock market experts were so expert, they would be buying stock,
53624 not selling advice.
53626 Any task can be completed in only one-third more time than is
53627 currently estimated.
53629 The only thing more costly than stretching the schedule of an
53630 established project is accelerating it, which is itself the most
53631 costly action known to man.
53633 A revised schedule is to business what a new season is to an athlete
53634 or a new canvas to an artist.
53635 -- Norman Augustine
53638 If a sufficient number of management layers are superimposed on each
53639 other, it can be assured that disaster is not left to chance.
53641 Rank does not intimidate hardware. Neither does the lack of rank.
53643 It is better to be the reorganizer than the reorganizee.
53645 Executives who do not produce successful results hold on to their
53646 jobs only about five years. Those who produce effective results
53647 hang on about half a decade.
53649 By the time the people asking the questions are ready for the answers,
53650 the people doing the work have lost track of the questions.
53651 -- Norman Augustine
53654 The optimum committee has no members.
53656 Hiring consultants to conduct studies can be an excellent means of
53657 turning problems into gold -- your problems into their gold.
53659 Fools rush in where incumbents fear to tread.
53661 The process of competitively selecting contractors to perform work
53662 is based on a system of rewards and penalties, all distributed
53665 The weaker the data available upon which to base one's conclusion,
53666 the greater the precision which should be quoted in order to give
53667 the data authenticity.
53668 -- Norman Augustine
53671 The thickness of the proposal required to win a multimillion dollar
53672 contract is about one millimeter per million dollars. If all the
53673 proposals conforming to this standard were piled on top of each other
53674 at the bottom of the Grand Canyon it would probably be a good idea.
53676 Ninety percent of the time things will turn out worse than you expect.
53677 The other 10 percent of the time you had no right to expect so much.
53679 The early bird gets the worm.
53680 The early worm ... gets eaten.
53682 Never promise to complete any project within six months of the end of
53683 the year -- in either direction.
53685 Most projects start out slowly -- and then sort of taper off.
53686 -- Norman Augustine
53688 Ya know, Quaker Oats make you feel good twice!
53690 Yacc owes much to a most stimulating collection of users, who have
53691 goaded me beyond my inclination, and frequently beyond my ability in
53692 their endless search for "one more feature". Their irritating
53693 unwillingness to learn how to do things my way has usually led to my
53694 doing things their way; most of the time, they have been right.
53695 -- Stephen C. Johnson, "Yacc guide acknowledgements"
53697 Ya'll hear about the geometer who went to the beach to catch some
53698 rays and became a tangent ?
53700 Yawd [noun, Bostonese]: the campus of Have Id.
53701 -- Webster's Unafraid Dictionary
53703 Yea from the table of my memory
53704 I'll wipe away all trivial fond records.
53707 Yeah, God is dead, he laughed himself to death.
53709 Yeah, if it looks like a duck, and walks like
53710 a duck, and quacks like a duck -- shoot it.
53712 Yeah, that's me, Tracer Bullet. I've got eight slugs in me. One's lead,
53713 the rest bourbon. The drink packs a wallop, and I pack a revolver. I'm
53717 Yeah, there are more important things in life than money,
53718 but they won't go out with you if you don't have any.
53721 A period of three hundred and sixty-five disappointments.
53723 Year Name James Bond Book
53724 ---- -------------------------------- -------------- ----
53725 50's James Bond TV Series Barry Nelson
53726 1962 Dr. No Sean Connery 1958
53727 1963 From Russia With Love Sean Connery 1957
53728 1964 Goldfinger Sean Connery 1959
53729 1965 Thunderball Sean Connery 1961
53730 1967* Casino Royale David Niven 1954
53731 1967 You Only Live Twice Sean Connery 1964
53732 1969 On Her Majesty's Secret Service George Lazenby 1963
53733 1971 Diamonds Are Forever Sean Connery 1956
53734 1973 Live And Let Die Roger Moore 1955
53735 1974 The Man With The Golden Gun Roger Moore 1965
53736 1977 The Spy Who Loved Me Roger Moore 1962 (novelette)
53737 1979 Moonraker Roger Moore 1955
53738 1981 For Your Eyes Only Roger Moore 1960 (novelette)
53739 1983 Octopussy Roger Moore 1965
53740 1983* Never Say Never Again Sean Connery
53741 1985 A View To A Kill Roger Moore 1960 (novelette)
53742 1987 The Living Daylights Timothy Dalton 1965 (novelette)
53743 * -- Not a Broccoli production.
53745 Yes, but every time I try to see things your way, I get a headache.
53747 Yes, but which self do you want to be?
53749 Yes, I've now got this nice little apartment in New York, one of those
53750 L-shaped ones. Unfortunately, it's a lower case l.
53753 Yes me, I got a bottle in front of me.
53754 And Jimmy has a frontal lobotomy.
53755 Just different ways to kill the pain the same.
53756 But I'd rather have a bottle in front of me,
53757 Than to have to have a frontal lobotomy.
53758 I might be drunk but at least I'm not insane.
53759 -- Randy Ansley M.D. (Dr. Rock)
53761 Yes, that was Richard Nixon. He used to be President. When he left
53762 the White House, the Secret Service would count the silverware.
53763 -- Woody Allen, "Sleeper"
53765 Yes, we will be going to OSI, Mars and, Pluto, but not necessarily in
53769 Yesterday I was a dog. Today I'm a dog.
53770 Tomorrow I'll probably still be a dog.
53771 Sigh! There's so little hope for advancement.
53774 Yesterday upon the stair
53775 I met a man who wasn't there.
53776 He wasn't there again today --
53777 I think he's from the CIA.
53779 Ye've also got to remember that ... respectable people do the most
53780 astonishin' things to preserve their respectability. Thank God
53781 I'm not respectable.
53782 -- Ruthven Campbell Todd
53784 Yevtushenko has... an ego that can crack crystal at a distance of twenty
53788 Yield to temptation; it may not pass your way again.
53791 A person who combs his hair over his bald spot,
53792 hoping no one will notice.
53793 -- "Sniglets", Rich Hall & Friends
53795 You ain't learning nothing when you're talking.
53797 You always have the option of pitching baseballs at empty
53798 spray paint cans in a cul-de-sac in a Cleveland suburb.
53800 You are a bundle of energy, always on the go.
53802 You are a fluke of the universe; you have no right to be here.
53804 You are a taxi driver. Your cab is yellow and black, and has been in
53805 use for only seven years. One of its windshield wipers is broken, and
53806 the carburetor needs adjusting. The tank holds 20 gallons, but at the
53807 moment is only three-quarters full. How old is the taxi driver?"
53809 You are a wish to be here wishing yourself.
53812 You are absolute plate-glass. I see to the very back of your mind.
53815 You are always busy.
53817 You are always doing something marginal when the boss drops by your desk.
53819 You are an insult to my intelligence!
53820 I demand that you log off immediately.
53822 You are as I am with You.
53824 You are capable of planning your future.
53826 You are confused; but this is your normal state.
53828 You are deeply attached to your friends and acquaintances.
53830 You are destined to become the commandant of the
53831 fighting men of the department of transportation.
53833 You are dishonest, but never to the point of hurting a friend.
53835 You are fairminded, just and loving.
53837 You are false data.
53839 You are farsighted, a good planner,
53840 an ardent lover, and a faithful friend.
53842 You are fighting for survival in your own sweet and gentle way.
53844 You are going to have a new love affair.
53846 You are in a maze of little twisting passages, all alike.
53848 You are in a maze of little twisting passages, all different.
53850 You are in the hall of the mountain king.
53852 You are lost in the Swamps of Despair.
53854 You are loved by the multitudes.
53855 Have you been to the clinic lately?
53857 You are magnetic in your bearing.
53859 You are never given a wish without also being given the
53860 power to make it true. You may have to work for it, however.
53861 -- R. Bach, "Messiah's Handbook : Reminders for
53864 You are not a fool just because you have done
53865 something foolish -- only if the folly of it escapes you.
53867 You are not dead yet.
53868 But watch for further reports.
53870 You are not permitted to kill a woman who has wronged you, but nothing
53871 forbids you to reflect that she is growing older every minute. You are
53872 avenged fourteen hundred and forty times a day.
53875 You are now in Atlanta, Georgia.
53876 Please set your clocks back 200 years.
53878 You are number 6! Who is number one?
53880 "You are old, father William," the young man said,
53881 "And your hair has become very white;
53882 And yet you incessantly stand on your head --
53883 Do you think, at your age, it is right?"
53885 "In my youth," father William replied to his son,
53886 "I feared it might injure the brain;
53887 But, now that I'm perfectly sure I have none,
53888 Why, I do it again and again."
53890 "You are old," said the youth, "as I mentioned before,
53891 And have grown most uncommonly fat;
53892 Yet you turned a back-somersault in at the door --
53893 Pray what is the reason of that?"
53895 "In my youth," said the sage, as he shook his grey locks,
53896 "I kept all my limbs very supple
53897 By the use of this ointment -- one shilling the box --
53898 Allow me to sell you a couple?"
53900 "You are old," said the youth, "and your jaws are too weak
53901 For anything tougher than suet;
53902 Yet you finished the goose, with the bones and the beak --
53903 Pray, how did you manage to do it?"
53905 "In my youth," said his father, "I took to the law,
53906 And argued each case with my wife;
53907 And the muscular strength which it gave to my jaw,
53908 Has lasted the rest of my life."
53910 "You are old," said the youth, "one would hardly suppose
53911 That your eye was as steady as ever;
53912 Yet you balanced an eel on the end of your nose --
53913 What made you so awfully clever?"
53915 "I have answered three questions, and that is enough,"
53916 Said his father. "Don't give yourself airs!
53917 Do you think I can listen all day to such stuff?
53918 Be off, or I'll kick you down stairs!"
53920 You are only young once, but you can stay immature indefinitely.
53922 You are scrupulously honest, frank, and straightforward.
53923 Therefore you have few friends.
53925 You are sick, twisted and perverted.
53926 I like that in a person.
53928 You are so boring that when I see you my feet go to sleep.
53930 "You are *so* lovely."
53932 "Yes! And you take a compliment, too! I like that in a goddess."
53934 You are standing on my toes.
53936 You are taking yourself far too seriously.
53938 You are transported to a room where you are faced by a wizard who
53939 points to you and says, "Them's fighting words!" You immediately get
53940 attacked by all sorts of denizens of the museum: there is a cobra
53941 chewing on your leg, a troglodyte is bashing your brains out with a
53942 gold nugget, a crocodile is removing large chunks of flesh from you, a
53943 rhinoceros is goring you with his horn, a sabre-tooth cat is busy
53944 trying to disembowel you, you are being trampled by a large mammoth, a
53945 vampire is sucking you dry, a Tyrannosaurus Rex is sinking his six inch
53946 long fangs into various parts of your anatomy, a large bear is
53947 dismembering your body, a gargoyle is bouncing up and down on your
53948 head, a burly troll is tearing you limb from limb, several dire wolves
53949 are making mince meat out of your torso, and the wizard is about to
53950 transport you to the corner of Westwood and Broxton. Oh dear, you seem
53951 to have gotten yourself killed, as well.
53953 You scored 0 out of 250 possible points.
53954 That gives you a ranking of junior beginning adventurer.
53955 To achieve the next higher rating, you need to score 32 more points.
53957 You are wise, witty, and wonderful,
53958 but you spend too much time reading this sort of trash.
53960 You ask what a nice girl will do?
53961 She won't give an inch, but she won't say no.
53962 -- Marcus Valerius Martialis
53964 You attempt things that you do not even plan
53965 because of your extreme stupidity.
53969 "You boys lookin' for trouble?"
53970 "Sure. Whaddya got?"
53971 -- Marlon Brando, "The Wild Ones"
53973 You buttered your bread, now lie in it!
53975 You buy a judge by weight, like iron in a junk yard. A justice of the
53976 peace or a magistrate can be had for a five-dollar bill. In the
53977 municipal courts, he will cost you ten. In the circuit or superior
53978 courts, he wants fifteen. The state appellate courts or the state
53979 supreme court is on a par with the Federal courts. By the time a judge
53980 reaches such courts, he is middle-aged, thick around the middle, fat
53981 between the ears. He's heavy. You can't buy a Federal judge for less
53982 than a twenty-dollar bill.
53983 -- Jake "Greasy Thumb" Guzik
53985 You can always pick up your needle and move to another groove.
53988 You can always tell luck from ability by its duration.
53990 You can always tell the people that are forging the new frontier.
53991 They're the ones with arrows sticking out of their backs.
53993 You can be replaced by this computer.
53995 You can bear anything if it isn't your own fault.
53996 -- Katharine Fullerton Gerould
53998 You can bring any calculator you like to the midterm, as long as it
53999 doesn't dim the lights when you turn it on.
54000 -- Hepler, CS, University of Washington
54002 You can bring any calculator you like to the midterm, as long as it
54003 doesn't dim the lights when you turn it on.
54004 -- Hepler, Systems Design 182
54006 You can bring men from other parts of the world who are sane. And you
54007 know what happens? At the very moment they cross those mountains...
54008 they go mad. Instantaneously and automatically, at the very moment
54009 they cross the mountains into California, they go insane.
54012 You can build a throne out of bayonets, but you can't sit on it for very long.
54015 You can cage a swallow, can't you,
54016 but you can't swallow a cage, can you?
54017 Girl, bathing on Bikini, eyeing boy,
54018 finds boy eyeing bikini on bathing girl.
54019 A man, a plan, a canal -- Panama!
54020 -- The Palindromist
54022 You can create your own opportunities this week.
54023 Blackmail a senior executive.
54025 You can destroy your now by worrying about tomorrow.
54028 You can do this in a number of ways. IBM chose to do all of them.
54029 Why do you find that funny?
54030 -- D. Taylor, Computer Science 350
54032 You can do this in a number of ways. IBM chose to do all of them.
54033 Why do you find that funny?
54034 -- D. Taylor, CS, University of Washington
54036 You can do very well in speculation where
54037 land or anything to do with dirt is concerned.
54039 You can drive a horse to water, but a pencil must be lead.
54041 You can fool all the people all of the time if the advertising is right
54042 and the budget is big enough.
54043 -- Joseph E. Levine
54045 You can fool some of the people all of the time and all
54046 of the people some of the time, but you can never fool your Mom.
54048 You can fool some of the people all of the time,
54049 and all of the people some of the time,
54050 but you can make a fool of yourself anytime.
54052 You can fool some of the people some of the time,
54053 and some of the people all of the time, and that is sufficient.
54055 You can get *anywhere* in ten minutes if you drive fast enough.
54057 You can get everything in life you want,
54058 if you will help enough other people get what they want.
54060 You can get much further with a kind word and a
54061 gun than you can with a kind word alone.
54063 [Also attributed to Johnny Carson. Ed.]
54065 You can get there from here, but why on earth would you want to?
54067 You can go anywhere you want if you look serious and carry a clipboard.
54069 You can grovel with a lover, you can grovel with a friend,
54070 You can grovel with your boss, and it never has to end.
54072 (chorus) Grovel, grovel, grovel, every night and every day,
54073 Grovel, grovel, grovel, in your own peculiar way.
54075 You can grovel in a hallway, you can grovel in a park,
54076 You can grovel in an alley with a mugger after dark.
54079 You can grovel with your uncle, you can grovel with your aunt,
54080 You can grovel with your Apple, even though you say you can't.
54083 You can have a dog as a friend. You can have whiskey as a friend. But
54084 if you have a woman as a friend, you're going to wind up drunk and kissing
54088 You can have peace. Or you can have freedom.
54089 Don't ever count on having both at once.
54092 You can imagine my embarrassment when I killed the wrong guy.
54095 You can lead a horse to water, but if you can
54096 get him to float on his back, you've got something.
54098 You can learn many things from children. How much patience you have,
54100 -- Franklin P. Jones
54102 You can make it illegal, but can't make it unpopular.
54104 You can make it illegal, but you can't make it unpopular.
54106 You can measure a programmer's perspective by noting
54107 his attitude on the continuing vitality of FORTRAN.
54109 You can move the world with an idea,
54110 but you have to think of it first.
54112 You can never do just one thing.
54115 You can never tell which way the train went by looking at the tracks.
54117 You can never trust a woman; she may be true to you.
54119 You can no more win a war than you can win an earthquake.
54120 -- Jeannette Rankin
54122 You can not get anything worthwhile done without raising a sweat.
54123 -- The First Law Of Thermodynamics
54125 What ever you want is going to cost a little more than it is worth.
54126 -- The Second Law Of Thermodynamics
54128 You can not win the game, and you are not allowed to stop playing.
54129 -- The Third Law Of Thermodynamics
54131 You can now buy more gates with less
54132 specifications than at any other time in history.
54135 You can observe a lot just by watching.
54138 You can rent this space for only $5 a week.
54140 You can take all the impact that science considerations have on funding
54141 decisions at NASA, put them in the navel of a flea, and have room left
54142 over for a caraway seed and Tony Calio's heart.
54145 You can tell how far we have to go,
54146 when Fortran is the language of supercomputers.
54149 You can tell the ideals of a nation by its advertisements.
54152 You can write a small letter to Grandma in the filename.
54153 -- Forbes Burkowski, CS, University of Washington
54155 You canna change the laws of physics, Captain;
54156 I've got to have thirty minutes!
54158 You cannot achieve the impossible without attempting the absurd.
54160 You cannot choose your battlefield, the gods do that for you.
54161 But you can plant a standard where a standard never flew.
54164 You cannot have a science without measurement.
54167 You cannot kill time without injuring eternity.
54169 You cannot propel yourself forward by patting yourself on the back.
54171 You cannot see the wood for the trees.
54174 You cannot shake hands with a clenched fist.
54177 You cannot use your friends and have them too.
54179 You can't break eggs without making an omelet.
54181 You can't carve your way to success without cutting remarks.
54183 You can't cheat an honest man, never give
54184 a sucker an even break or smarten up a chump.
54187 You can't cheat the phone company.
54189 You can't cross a large chasm in two small jumps.
54191 You can't depend on the man who made the mess to clean it up.
54192 -- Richard Nixon, 1952
54194 You can't erase a dream, you can only wake me up.
54197 You can't expect a boy to be vicious till he's been to a good school.
54200 "You can't expect a mother to be with a small child all the time",
54201 Margaret Mead once remarked, with her usual good sense, but in 1978
54202 she shocked feminists by snapping that women don't really have
54203 children to put them in day care twelve hours a day, either.
54204 -- Caroline Bird, "The Two Paycheck Marriage"
54206 You can't fall off the floor.
54208 You can't get there from here.
54210 You can't go home again, unless you set $HOME.
54212 You can't have everything. Where would you put it?
54215 You can't have your cake and let your neighbor eat it too.
54218 You can't hug a child with nuclear arms.
54220 You can't judge a book by the way it wears its hair.
54222 You can't kiss a girl unexpectedly --
54223 only sooner than she thought you would.
54225 You can't learn too soon that the most useful thing about a principle
54226 is that it can always be sacrificed to expediency.
54227 -- W. Somerset Maugham, "The Circle"
54229 You can't mend a wristwatch while falling from an airplane.
54231 You can't play your friends like marks, kid.
54232 -- Henry Gondorf, "The Sting"
54234 You can't push on a string.
54236 You can't run away forever,
54237 But there's nothing wrong with getting a good head start.
54238 -- Jim Steinman, "Rock and Roll Dreams Come Through"
54240 You can't say civilization don't advance... in every war they kill you a
54244 You can't start worrying about what's going to happen.
54245 You get spastic enough worrying about what's happening now.
54248 You can't take damsel here now.
54250 You can't take it with you --
54251 especially when crossing a state line.
54253 You can't teach people to be lazy --
54254 either they have it, or they don't.
54255 -- Dagwood Bumstead
54257 You can't underestimate the power of fear.
54258 -- Tricia Nixon Cox
54260 You climb to reach the summit, but once
54261 there, discover that all roads lead down.
54262 -- Stanislaw Lem, "The Cyberiad"
54264 You could get a new lease on life -- if only you
54265 didn't need the first and last month in advance.
54267 You could live a better life, if you
54268 had a better mind and a better body.
54270 You couldn't even prove the White House
54271 staff sane beyond a reasonable doubt.
54272 -- Ed Meese, on the Hinckley verdict
54274 You definitely intend to start living sometime soon.
54278 You display the wonderful traits of charm and courtesy.
54280 You do not have mail.
54282 You don't become a failure until you're satisfied with being one.
54284 You don't have to be nice to people on the way up
54285 if you're not planning on coming back down.
54286 -- Oliver Warbucks, "Annie"
54288 You don't have to explain something you never said.
54291 You don't have to know how the computer
54292 works, just how to work the computer.
54294 You don't have to think too hard when you talk to teachers.
54297 You don't move to Edina, you achieve Edina.
54300 You don't sew with a fork, so I see no
54301 reason to eat with knitting needles.
54302 -- Miss Piggy, on eating Chinese Food
54304 You enjoy the company of other people.
54306 You feel a whole lot more like you do
54307 now than you did when you used to.
54309 You fill a much-needed gap.
54311 You first parent of the human race... who ruined yourself for an apple,
54312 what might you have done for a truffled turkey?
54313 -- Brillat-savarin, "Physiologie du Gout"
54315 You first parents of the human race... who ruined yourself for
54316 an apple, what might you not have done for a truffled turkey?
54319 You get along very well with everyone except animals and people.
54321 You get what you pay for.
54324 You give me space to belong to myself yet without separating me
54325 from your own life. May it all turn out to your happiness.
54328 You go down to the pickup station,
54329 craving warmth and beauty;
54330 You settle for less than fascination --
54331 a few drinks later you're not so choosy.
54332 And the closing lights strip off the shadows
54333 on this strange new flesh you've found --
54334 Clutching the night to you like a fig leaf
54335 you hurry to the blackness
54336 and the blankets to lay down an impression
54337 and your loneliness.
54340 You got to be very careful if you don't know
54341 where you're going, because you might not get there.
54344 You got to pay your dues if you want to sing the blues,
54345 And you know it don't come easy ...
54346 I don't ask for much, I only want trust,
54347 And you know it don't come easy ...
54349 You guys have been practicing discrimination for years.
54351 -- Thurgood Marshall, quoted by Justice Douglas
54353 You had mail, but the super-user read it, and deleted it!
54356 Paul read it, so ask him what it said.
54358 You had some happiness once,
54359 but your parents moved away, and you had to leave it behind.
54361 You have a deep appreciation of the arts and music.
54363 You have a deep interest in all that is artistic.
54365 You have a massage (from the Swedish prime minister).
54367 You have a message from the operator.
54369 You have a reputation for being thoroughly reliable and trustworthy.
54370 A pity that it's totally undeserved.
54372 You have a strong appeal for members of the opposite sex.
54374 You have a strong appeal for members of your own sex.
54376 You have a strong desire for a home
54377 and your family interests come first.
54379 You have a tendency to feel you are superior to most computers.
54381 You have a truly strong individuality.
54383 You have a will that can be influenced
54384 by all with whom you come in contact.
54386 You have all eternity to be cautious in when you're dead.
54389 You have all the characteristics of a popular politician:
54390 a horrible voice, bad breeding, and a vulgar manner.
54393 You have an ability to sense and know higher truth.
54395 You have an ambitious nature and may make a name for yourself.
54397 You have an unusual equipment for success.
54398 Be sure to use it properly.
54400 You have an unusual understanding of
54401 the problems of human relationships.
54403 You have been in Afghanistan, I perceive.
54404 -- Sherlock Holmes, "A Study in Scarlet"
54406 You have been selected for a secret mission.
54408 You have Egyptian flu: you're going to be a mummy.
54410 You have had a long-term stimulation relative to business.
54412 You have literary talent that you should take pains to develop.
54416 You have many friends and very few living enemies.
54418 You have no real enemies.
54420 You have not converted a man because you have silenced him.
54421 -- John Viscount Morley
54423 You have only to mumble a few words in church to get married
54424 and few words in your sleep to get divorced.
54426 You have taken yourself too seriously.
54428 You have the capacity to learn from mistakes.
54429 You'll learn a lot today.
54431 You have the power to influence all with whom you come in contact.
54433 You have to run as fast as you can just to stay where you are.
54434 If you want to get anywhere, you'll have to run much faster.
54437 You humans are all alike.
54439 You just know when a relationship is about to end. My girlfriend called me
54440 at work and asked me how you change a lightbulb in the bathroom. "It's very
54441 simple," I said. "You start by filling up the bathtub with water..."
54443 You just wait, I'll sin till I blow up!
54446 You k'n hide de fier, but w'at you gwine do wid de smoke?
54447 -- Joel Chandler Harris, proverbs of Uncle Remus
54449 You knew the job was dangerous when you took it, Fred.
54452 You know, Callahan's is a peaceable bar, but if
54453 you ask that dog what his favorite formatter is,
54454 and he says "roff! roff!", well, I'll just have to...
54456 You know how to win a victory, Hannibal, but not how to use it.
54459 You know it's going to be a long day when you get up, shave and shower,
54460 start to get dressed and your shoes are still warm.
54463 You know it's Monday when you wake up and it's Tuesday.
54466 You know my heart keeps tellin' me,
54467 You're not a kid at thirty-three,
54468 You play around you lose your wife,
54469 You play too long, you lose your life.
54470 Some gotta win, some gotta lose,
54471 Goodtime Charlie's got the blues.
54473 You know, of course, that the Tasmanians, who never committed adultery,
54475 -- M. Somerset Maugham
54477 You know that feeling you get when you are tipping your chair back and you
54478 almost go crashing back on the floor but you just catch yourself? I feel
54479 like that all the time.
54482 You know, the difference between this company and
54483 the Titanic is that the Titanic had paying customers.
54485 You know very well that whether you are on page one or page thirty depends
54486 on whether [the press] fear you. It is just as simple as that.
54489 You know what I wish? I wish all the scum of the Earth had one throat
54490 and I had my hands about it.
54491 -- Rorschach, "Watchmen"
54493 You know what they say -- the sweetest word in the English language
54497 You know what we can be like: See a guy and think he's cute one minute, the
54498 next minute our brains have us married with kids, the following minute we see
54499 him having an extramarital affair. By the time someone says "I'd like you to
54500 meet Cecil," we shout, "You're late again with the child support!"
54501 -- Cynthia Heimel, "A Girl's Guide to Chaos"
54503 I don't have any use for bodyguards, but I do have a specific use for two
54504 highly trained certified public accountants.
54507 You know you are getting old when you think you should drive the speed limit.
54510 You know your apartment is small...
54511 when you can't know its position and velocity at the same time.
54512 you put your key in the lock and it breaks the window.
54513 you have to go outside to change your mind.
54514 you can vacuum the entire place using a single electrical outlet.
54516 You know you're getting old when you're Dad, and you're measuring your
54517 daughter for camp clothes, and there are certain measurements only her
54518 mother is allowed to take.
54520 You know you're in a small town when...
54521 You don't use turn signals because everybody knows where you're going.
54522 You're born on June 13 and your family receives gifts from the local
54523 merchants because you're the first baby of the year.
54524 Everyone knows whose credit is good, and whose wife isn't.
54525 You speak to each dog you pass, by name... and he wags his tail.
54526 You dial the wrong number, and talk for 15 minutes anyway.
54527 You write a check on the wrong bank and it covers you anyway.
54529 You know you're in trouble when...
54530 1) You wake up face down on the pavement.
54531 2) Your wife wakes up feeling amorous and you have a headache.
54532 3) You turn on the news and they're showing emergency routes
54534 4) Your twin sister forgot your birthday.
54535 5) You wake up and discover your waterbed broke and then
54536 remember that you don't have a waterbed.
54537 6) Your doctor tells you you're allergic to chocolate.
54539 You know you're in trouble when...
54540 1) Your car horn goes off accidentally and remains stuck as you
54541 follow a group of Hell's Angels on the freeway.
54542 2) You want to put on the clothes you wore home from the party
54543 and there aren't any.
54544 3) Your boss tells you not to bother to take off your coat.
54545 4) The bird singing outside your window is a buzzard.
54546 5) You wake up and your braces are locked together.
54547 6) Your mother approves of the person you're dating.
54549 You know you're in trouble when...
54550 (1) Your only son tells you he wishes Anita Bryant would mind
54552 (2) You put your bra on backwards and it fits better.
54553 (3) You call Suicide Prevention and they put you on hold.
54554 (4) You see a `60 Minutes' news team waiting in your office.
54555 (5) Your birthday cake collapses from the weight of the candles.
54556 (6) Your 4-year old reveals that it's "almost impossible" to
54557 flush a grapefruit down the toilet.
54558 (7) You realize that you've memorized the back of the cereal box.
54560 You know you're in trouble when...
54561 (1) You've been at work for an hour before you notice that your
54562 skirt is caught in your pantyhose.
54563 (2) Your blind date turns out to be your ex-wife.
54564 (3) Your income tax check bounces.
54565 (4) You put both contact lenses in the same eye.
54566 (5) Your wife says, "Good morning, Bill" and your name is George.
54567 (6) You wake up to the soothing sound of flowing water... the day
54568 after you bought a waterbed.
54569 (7) You go on your honeymoon to a remote little hotel and the desk
54570 clerk, bell hop, and manager have a "Welcome Back" party
54573 You know you've been sitting in front of your Lisp machine too long
54574 when you go out to the junk food machine and start wondering how to
54575 make it give you the CADR of Item H so you can get that yummie
54576 chocolate cupcake that's stuck behind the disgusting vanilla one.
54578 You know you've landed gear-up when it takes full power to taxi.
54580 You learn to write as if to someone else
54581 because NEXT YEAR YOU WILL BE "SOMEONE ELSE".
54583 You like to form new friendships and make new acquaintances.
54585 You lived with a man who wore white belts?
54586 Laura, I'm disappointed in you.
54587 -- Remington Steele
54593 You love your home and want it to be beautiful.
54595 You may already be a loser.
54596 -- Form letter received by Rodney Dangerfield.
54598 You may be gone tomorrow, but that
54599 doesn't mean that you weren't here today.
54601 You may be infinitely smaller than some things,
54602 but you're infinitely larger than others.
54604 You may be recognized soon. Hide.
54606 You may be right, I may be crazy,
54607 But maybe it's a lunatic you're looking for?
54610 You may carve it on his tombstone, you may cut it on his card
54611 That a young man married is a young man marred.
54612 -- Rudyard Kipling, "The Story of the Gadsbys"
54614 You may get an opportunity for advancement today. Watch it!
54616 You may have heard that a dean is
54617 to faculty as a hydrant is to a dog.
54620 You may my glories and my state dispose,
54621 But not my griefs; still am I king of those.
54622 -- William Shakespeare, "Richard II"
54624 You may not be able to judge a book by its cover, but
54625 you sure as hell can tell how much it's going to cost.
54627 You may worry about your hair-do today, but tomorrow much peanut butter will
54630 You mean you didn't *know* she was off
54631 making lots of little phone companies?
54633 You mentioned your name as if I should recognize it, but beyond the
54634 obvious facts that you are a bachelor, a solicitor, a freemason, and
54635 an asthmatic, I know nothing whatever about you.
54636 -- Sherlock Holmes, "The Norwood Builder"
54638 You might have mail.
54640 You must dine in our cafeteria.
54641 You can eat dirt cheap there!!!!
54643 You must include all income you receive in the form of money, property
54644 and services if it is not specifically exempt. Report property (goods)
54645 and services at their fair market values. Examples include income from
54646 bartering or swapping transactions, side commissions, kickbacks, rent
54647 paid in services, illegal activities (such as stealing, drugs, etc.),
54648 cash skimming by proprietors and tradesmen, "moonlighting" services,
54649 gambling, prizes and awards. Not reporting such income can lead to
54650 prosecution for perjury and fraud.
54651 -- Excerpt from Taxachussettes income tax forms
54653 You must know that a man can have only one invulnerable loyalty, loyalty
54654 to his own concept of the obligations of manhood. All other loyalties
54655 are merely deputies of that one.
54658 You must realize that the computer has it in for you. The irrefutable
54659 proof of this is that the computer always does what you tell it to do.
54661 You need more time; and you probably always will.
54663 You need no longer worry about the future.
54664 This time tomorrow you'll be dead.
54666 You need not worry about your future.
54668 You never gain something but that you lose something.
54671 You never get a second chance to make a first impression.
54673 You never go anywhere without your soul.
54675 You never have to change anything you
54676 got up in the middle of the night to write.
54679 You never have to figure out what to get for children, because they will
54680 tell you exactly what they want. They spend months and months researching
54681 these kinds of things by watching Saturday- morning cartoon-show
54682 advertisements. Make sure you get your children exactly what they ask for,
54683 even if you disapprove of their choices. If your child thinks he wants
54684 Murderous Bob, the Doll with the Face You Can Rip Right Off, you'd better
54685 get it. You may be worried that it might help to encourage your child's
54686 antisocial tendencies, but believe me, you have not seen antisocial tendencies
54687 until you've seen a child who is convinced that he or she did not get the
54689 -- Dave Barry, "Christmas Shopping: A Survivor's Guide"
54691 You never hesitate to tackle the most difficult problems.
54693 You never know what is enough until you know what is more than enough.
54696 You never learned anything by doing it right.
54698 You never realize how many friends you
54699 have until you rent a house at the beach.
54701 You notice that after Ginzburg admitted he had tried marijuana everyone
54702 got in line to admit it, too. But you also notice they all said they
54703 "experimented" with marijuana. The didn't "use" it; they "experimented"
54704 with it. Let me tell you something -- Jonas Salk "experiments"; these
54705 guys were getting stoned!
54708 You now have Asian Flu.
54710 You own a dog, but you can only feed a cat.
54712 You plan things that you do not even
54713 attempt because of your extreme caution.
54715 You possess a mind not merely twisted, but actually sprained.
54717 You prefer the company of the opposite
54718 sex, but are well liked by your own.
54720 You probably wouldn't worry about what people
54721 think of you if you could know how seldom they do.
54724 You recoil from the crude; you tend naturally toward the exquisite.
54726 You roll my log, and I will roll yours.
54727 -- Lucius Annaeus Seneca
54735 Let's go be the Vice President...
54737 You scratch my tape, and I'll scratch yours.
54739 You see, I consider that a man's brain originally is like a little empty
54740 attic, and you have to stock it with such furniture as you choose. A fool
54741 takes in all the lumber of every sort he comes across, so that the knowledge
54742 which might be useful to him gets crowded out, or at best is jumbled up with
54743 alot of other things, so that he has difficulty in laying his hands upon it.
54744 Now the skillful workman is very careful indeed as to what he takes into his
54745 brain-attic. He will have nothing but the tools which may help him in doing
54746 his work, but of these he has a large assortment, and all in the most perfect
54747 order. It is a mistake to think that that little room has elastic walls and
54748 can distend to any extent. Depend upon it there comes a time when for every
54749 addition of knowledge you forget something that you knew before. It is of
54750 the highest importance, therefore, not to have useless facts elbowing out
54754 You see things; and you say "Why?"
54755 But I dream things that never were; and I say "Why not?"
54756 -- George Bernard Shaw, "Back to Methuselah"
54757 [No, it wasn't J.F. Kennedy. Ed.]
54759 You see, wire telegraph is a kind of a very, very long cat. You pull
54760 his tail in New York and his head is meowing in Los Angeles. Do you
54761 understand this? And radio operates exactly the same way: you send
54762 signals here, they receive them there. The only difference is that
54764 -- Albert Einstein, when asked to describe radio
54766 You seek to shield those you love
54767 and you like the role of the provider.
54769 You shall be rewarded for a dastardly deed.
54771 You shall judge of a man by his foes as well as by his friends.
54774 You should avoid hedging, at least that's what I think.
54776 You should go home.
54778 You should make a point of trying every experience once -- except
54779 incest and folk-dancing.
54780 -- A. Bax, "Farewell My Youth"
54782 You should never bet against anything in science at
54783 odds of more than about ten to the twelfth to one.
54786 You should never ride in an airplane with a sports team,
54787 because if the plane goes down, it's you they're gonna eat!
54788 -- Gordon Downie, singer for Tragically Hip
54790 You should never wear your best trousers
54791 when you go out to fight for freedom and liberty.
54794 You shouldn't have to pay for your love with your bones and your flesh.
54795 -- Pat Benatar, "Hell is for Children"
54797 You shouldn't wallow in self-pity. But it's OK to put
54798 your feet in it and swish them around a little.
54801 You single-handedly fought your way into this hopeless mess.
54803 You teach best what you most need to learn.
54805 YOU TOO CAN MAKE BIG MONEY IN THE EXCITING FIELD OF PAPER SHUFFLING!
54807 Mr. Smith of Muddle, Mass. says: "Before I took this course I used to be
54808 a lowly bit twiddler. Now with what I learned at MIT Tech I feel really
54809 important and can obfuscate and confuse with the best."
54811 Mr. Watkins had this to say: "Ten short days ago all I could look forward
54812 to was a dead-end job as a engineer. Now I have a promising future and
54813 make really big Zorkmids."
54815 MIT Tech can't promise these fantastic results to everyone, but when
54816 you earn your MDL degree from MIT Tech your future will be brighter.
54818 SEND FOR OUR FREE BROCHURE TODAY!
54820 You tread upon my patience.
54821 -- William Shakespeare, "Henry IV"
54823 You two ought to be more careful--
54824 your love could drag on for years and years.
54826 You want to know why I kept getting promoted?
54827 Because my mouth knows more than my brain.
54830 You will always find something in the last place you look.
54832 You will always get the greatest recognition for the job you least like.
54834 You will always have good luck in your personal affairs.
54836 You will attract cultured and artistic people to your home.
54838 You will be a winner today. Pick a fight with a four-year-old.
54840 You will be advanced socially,
54841 without any special effort on your part.
54843 You will be aided greatly by a person
54844 whom you thought to be unimportant.
54846 You will be audited by the Internal Revenue Service.
54848 You will be awarded a medal for disregarding safety in saving someone.
54850 You will be awarded some great honor.
54852 You will be awarded the Nobel Peace Prize... posthumously.
54854 You will be called upon to help a friend in trouble.
54856 You will be dead within a year.
54858 You will be divorced within a year.
54860 You will be given a post of trust and responsibility.
54862 You will be held hostage by a radical group.
54864 You will be honored for contributing
54865 your time and skill to a worthy cause.
54867 You will be imprisoned for contributing
54868 your time and skill to a bank robbery.
54870 You will be married within a year.
54872 You will be married within a year, and divorced within two.
54874 You will be misunderstood by everyone.
54876 You will be recognized and honored as a community leader.
54878 You will be reincarnated as a toad; and you will be much happier.
54880 You will be run over by a beer truck.
54882 You will be run over by a bus.
54884 You will be singled out for promotion in your work.
54886 You will be successful in love.
54888 You will be surprised by a loud noise.
54890 You will be surrounded by luxury.
54892 You will be the last person to buy a Chrysler.
54894 You will be the victim of a bizarre joke.
54896 You will be Told about it Tomorrow. Go Home and Prepare Thyself.
54898 You will be traveling and coming into a fortune.
54900 You will be winged by an anti-aircraft battery.
54902 You will become rich and famous unless you don't.
54904 You will contract a rare disease.
54906 You will engage in a profitable business activity.
54908 You will experience a strong urge to do good; but it will pass.
54910 You will feel hungry again in another hour.
54912 You will find me drinking gin
54913 In the lowest kind of inn,
54914 Because I am a rigid Vegetarian.
54917 You will forget that you ever knew me.
54919 You will gain money by a fattening action.
54921 You will gain money by a speculation or lottery.
54923 You will gain money by an illegal action.
54925 You will gain money by an immoral action.
54927 You will get what you deserve.
54929 You will give someone a piece of your mind, which you can ill afford.
54931 You will have a head crash on your private pack.
54933 You will have a long and boring life.
54935 You will have a long and unpleasant discussion with your supervisor.
54937 You will have domestic happiness and faithful friends.
54939 You will have good luck and overcome many hardships.
54941 You will have long and healthy life.
54943 You will have many recoverable tape errors.
54945 You will hear good news from one you thought unfriendly to you.
54947 You will inherit millions of dollars.
54949 You will inherit some money or a small piece of land.
54951 You will live a long, healthy, happy life and make bags of money.
54953 You will live to see your grandchildren.
54955 You will lose an important disk file.
54957 You will lose an important tape file.
54959 You will meet an important person who will help you advance professionally.
54961 You will never amount to much.
54962 -- Munich Schoolmaster, to Albert Einstein, age 10
54964 You will never know hunger.
54966 You will not be elected to public office this year.
54968 You will obey or molten silver will be poured into your ears.
54970 You will outgrow your usefulness.
54972 You will overcome the attacks of jealous associates.
54974 You will pass away very quickly.
54976 You will pay for your sins.
54977 If you have already paid, please disregard this message.
54979 You will pioneer the first Martian colony.
54981 You will probably marry after a very brief courtship.
54983 You will reach the highest possible point in your business or profession.
54985 You will receive a legacy which will place you above want.
54987 You will remember something that you should not have forgotten.
54989 You will remember, Watson, how the dreadful business of the Abernetty
54990 family was first brought to my notice by the |depth which the parsley
54991 had sunk into the butter upon a hot day.
54994 You will soon forget this.
54996 You will soon meet a person who will play an important role in your life.
54998 You will step on the night soil of many countries.
55000 You will stop at nothing to reach your objective,
55001 but only because your brakes are defective.
55003 You will triumph over your enemy.
55005 You will visit the Dung Pits of Glive soon.
55007 You will win success in whatever calling you adopt.
55009 You will wish you hadn't.
55011 You won't skid if you stay in a rut.
55014 You work very hard. Don't try to think as well.
55016 You worry too much about your job.
55017 Stop it. You are not paid enough to worry.
55019 "You would do well not to imagine profundity," he said. "Anything that seems
55020 of momentous occasion should be dwelt upon as though it were of slight note.
55021 Conversely, trivialities must be attended to with the greatest of care.
55022 Because death is momentous, give it no thought; because victory is important,
55023 give it no thought; because the method of achievement and discovery is less
55024 momentous than the effect, dwell always upon the method. You will strengthen
55025 yourself in this way."
55026 -- Jessica Salmonson, "The Swordswoman"
55028 You would if you could but you can't so you won't.
55030 You'd best be snoozin', 'cause you don't
55031 be gettin' no work done at 5 a.m. anyway.
55032 -- From the wall of the Wurster Hall stairwell
55034 You'd better smile when they watch you, smile like you're in control.
55035 -- Smile, "Was (Not Was)"
55037 You'd like to do it instantaneously, but that's too slow.
55040 What you always were,
55041 Which has nothing to do with,
55042 All to do, with her.
55045 You'll be called to a post requiring
55046 ability in handling groups of people.
55050 You'll feel devilish tonight.
55051 Toss dynamite caps under a flamenco dancer's heel.
55053 You'll feel much better once you've given up hope.
55055 You'll never be the man your mother was!
55057 You'll never see all the places, or read all the
55058 books, but fortunately, they're not all recommended.
55060 You'll wish that you had done some of the
55061 hard things when they were easier to do.
55063 Young men are fitter to invent than to judge; fitter for execution than for
55064 counsel; and fitter for new projects than for settled business. For the
55065 experience of age, in things that fall within the compass of it, directeth
55066 them; but in new things, abuseth them. The errors of young men are the ruin
55067 of business; but the errors of aged men amount but to this, that more might
55068 have been done, or sooner. Young men, in the conduct and management of
55069 actions, embrace more than they can hold; stir more than they can quiet; fly
55070 to the end, without consideration of the means and degrees; pursue some few
55071 principles which they have chanced upon absurdly; care not how they innovate,
55072 which draws unknown inconveniences; and, that which doubleth all errors, will
55073 not acknowledge or retract them; like an unready horse, that will neither stop
55074 nor turn. Men of age object too much, consult too long, adventure too little,
55075 repent too soon, and seldom drive business home to the full period, but
55076 content themselves with a mediocrity of success. Certainly, it is good to
55077 compound employments of both ... because the virtues of either age may correct
55078 the defects of both.
55079 -- Francis Bacon, "Essay on Youth and Age"
55081 Young men, hear an old man to whom
55082 old men hearkened when he was young.
55085 Young men think old men are fools;
55086 but old men know young men are fools.
55089 Your aim is high and to the right.
55091 Your aims are high, and you are capable of much.
55093 Your analyst has you mixed up with another patient.
55094 Don't believe a thing he tells you.
55096 Your best consolation is the hope that the things
55097 you failed to get weren't really worth having.
55099 Your boss climbed the corporate ladder, wrong by wrong.
55101 Your boss is a few sandwiches short of a picnic.
55103 Your boyfriend takes chocolate from strangers.
55105 Your business will assume vast proportions.
55107 Your business will go through a period of considerable expansion.
55109 Your code should be more efficient!
55111 Your computer account is overdrawn. Please reauthorize.
55113 Your computer account is overdrawn. Please see Big Brother.
55115 Your Co-worker Could Be a Space Alien, Say Experts
55116 ...Here's How You Can Tell
55117 Many Americans work side by side with space aliens who look human -- but you
55118 can spot these visitors by looking for certain tip-offs, say experts. They
55119 listed 10 signs to watch for:
55120 #3. Bizarre sense of humor. Space aliens who don't understand
55121 earthly humor may laugh during a company training film or tell
55122 jokes that no one understands, said Steiger.
55123 #6. Misuses everyday items. "A space alien may use correction
55124 fluid to paint its nails," said Steiger.
55125 #8. Secretive about personal life-style and home. "An alien won't
55126 discuss details or talk about what it does at night or on weekends."
55127 #10. Displays a change of mood or physical reaction when near certain
55128 high-tech hardware. "An alien may experience a mood change when
55129 a microwave oven is turned on," said Steiger.
55130 The experts pointed out that a co-worker would have to display most if not
55131 all of these traits before you can positively identify him as a space alien.
55132 -- National Enquirer, Michael Cassels, August, 1984.
55134 [I thought everybody laughed at company training films. Ed.]
55136 Your depth of comprehension may tend to make you lax in worldly ways.
55138 Your digestive system is your body's Fun House, whereby food goes on a long,
55139 dark, scary ride, taking all kinds of unexpected twists and turns, being
55140 attacked by vicious secretions along the way, and not knowing until the last
55141 minute whether it will be turned into a useful body part or ejected into the
55142 Dark Hole by Mister Sphincter. We Americans live in a nation where the
55143 medical-care system is second to none in the world, unless you count maybe
55144 25 or 30 little scuzzball countries like Scotland that we could vaporize in
55145 seconds if we felt like it.
55146 -- Dave Barry, "Stay Fit & Healthy Until You're Dead"
55148 Your domestic life may be harmonious.
55150 Your education begins where what is called your education is over.
55152 Your fault - core dumped
55154 Your files are now being encrypted and thrown into the bit bucket.
55157 Your fly might be open (but don't check it just now).
55162 AQUARIUS (Jan. 20 - Feb. 18)
55163 You have nothing better to think about than what to wear and what
55164 type of champagne to take to the neighbors Halloween Party. Just take beer!
55165 Don't try to copy the "Joneses", pull them up to your level and remember, in
55166 California Halloween is redundant anyhow.
55168 PISCES (Feb. 19 - March 20)
55169 Focus on strengthening friendships this Fall. You find others are
55170 fascinated by your intelligence, your wit, your drinking ability, and your
55171 bank account. Just make sure you realize it's far more impressive when
55172 other discover your good qualities without your help.
55177 ARIES (March 21 - April 19)
55178 Matters are not good, where you health is concerned. This Fall, be
55179 sure to "walk groundly, talk profoundly, drink roundly, and sleep soundly"
55180 and you will live all the days of your life.
55182 TAURUS (April 20 - May 20)
55183 You spent a fortune on beer this past summer and now find yourself
55184 in a deep depression because you can't afford even one of your favorite
55185 brewskis. Don't fret too much, Taurus. To get back on your feet simply
55186 miss two car payments.
55188 GEMINI (May 21 - June 21)
55189 You think you're falling in love with a person who has a lot in
55190 common with yourself. You both prefer ales, you've both tried your hand
55191 at homebrewing, and you both want to visit every new brewpub that opens.
55192 Sounds impressive but remember you really don't know your partner until
55198 CANCER (Jun 22 - July 22)
55199 You've been awarded a clean bill of health this month and you feel
55200 you owe it all to the excessive amount of Vitamin B, Iron, and Malt you get
55201 in your beer. Being healthy is admirable but don't you think you're going
55202 to feel stupid one day lying in a hospital dying of nothing?
55204 LEO (July 23 - August 22)
55205 You will soon acquire a large sum of money and will be in seventh
55206 heaven as you head to the nearest Liquor Barn and buy all the beer they have
55207 in stock. Whoever said money couldn't buy happiness didn't know where to
55210 VIRGO (August 23 - September 22)
55211 Your late night, beer drinking, "life in the fast lane" parties are
55212 affecting your job production the next morning. You feel a nine to five job
55213 is not for a "party animal" such as yourself and may feel the need for a
55214 career change. Just remember, people who work sitting down get paid more
55215 than people who work standing up.
55217 Your friends will know you better in the first minute you
55218 meet than your acquaintances will know you in a thousand years.
55219 -- Richard Bach, "Illusions"
55221 Your goose is cooked.
55222 (Your current chick is burned up too!)
55224 Your happiness is intertwined with your outlook on life.
55226 Your heart is pure, and your mind clear, and your soul devout.
55228 Your ignorance cramps my conversation.
55230 Your life would be very empty if you had nothing to regret.
55232 Your love life will be happy and harmonious.
55234 Your love life will be... interesting.
55236 Your lover will never wish to leave you.
55238 Your lucky color has faded.
55240 Your lucky number has been disconnected.
55242 Your lucky number is 3552664958674928.
55243 Watch for it everywhere.
55245 Your manuscript is both good and original, but the part that is good is not
55246 original and the part that is original is not good.
55249 Your mind is the part of you that says,
55250 "Why'n'tcha eat that piece of cake?"
55251 ... and then, twenty minutes later, says,
55252 "Y'know, if I were you, I wouldn't have done that!"
55253 -- Steven and Ondrea Levine
55255 Your mind understands what you have been
55256 taught; your heart, what is true.
55258 Your mode of life will be changed for
55259 the better because of good news soon.
55261 Your mode of life will be changed for
55262 the better because of new developments.
55264 Your mode of life will be changed to ASCII.
55266 Your mode of life will be changed to EBCDIC.
55268 Your mothers ghost stands at your shoulder
55269 Face like ice, a little bit colder
55270 She says "You can't do that it breaks all the rules
55271 You learned in school"
55272 But I don't really see
55273 Why can't we go on as three?
55274 -- David Crosby, "Triad"
55276 Your motives for doing whatever good deed you
55277 may have in mind will be misinterpreted by somebody.
55279 Your nature demands love and your happiness depends on it.
55281 Your object is to save the world,
55282 while still leading a pleasant life.
55284 Your only obligation in any lifetime is to be true to yourself. Being
55285 true to anyone else or anything else is not only impossible, but the
55286 mark of a fake messiah. The simplest questions are the most profound.
55287 Where were you born? Where is your home? Where are you going? What
55288 are you doing? Think about these once in awhile and watch your answers
55290 -- Messiah's Handbook : Reminders for the Advanced Soul
55292 Your own qualities will help prevent your advancement in the world.
55294 Your password is pitifully obvious.
55296 Your picture of the world often changes just before you get it into focus.
55298 Your present plans will be successful.
55300 Your program is sick! Shoot it and put it out of its memory.
55302 Your reasoning powers are good, and you are a fairly good planner.
55304 Your responsibility as a parent is not as great as you might imagine. You
55305 need not supply the world with the next conqueror of disease or major motion
55306 picture star. If your child simply grows up to be someone who does not use
55307 the word "collectible" as a noun, you can consider yourself an unqualified
55309 -- Fran Lebowitz, "Social Studies"
55311 Your sister swims out to meet troop ships.
55313 Your society will be sought by people of taste and refinement.
55315 Your step will soil many countries.
55317 Your supervisor is thinking about you.
55319 Your talents will be recognized and suitably rewarded.
55321 Your temporary financial embarrassment will
55322 be relieved in a surprising manner.
55324 Your true value depends entirely on what you are compared with.
55326 Your wig steers the gig.
55329 Your wise men don't know how it feels
55330 To be thick as a brick.
55331 -- Jethro Tull, "Thick As A Brick"
55333 Your worship is your furnaces
55334 which, like old idols, lost obscenes,
55335 have molten bowels; your vision is
55336 machines for making more machines.
55337 -- Gordon Bottomley, 1874
55339 You're a card which will have to be dealt with.
55341 You're a good example of why some animals eat their young.
55342 -- Jim Samuels to a heckler
55344 Ah, yes. I remember my first beer.
55345 -- Steve Martin to a heckler
55347 When your IQ rises to 28, sell.
55348 -- Professor Irwin Corey to a heckler
55350 You're all clear now, kid.
55351 Now blow this thing so we can all go home.
55354 You're almost as happy as you think you are.
55356 You're already carrying the sphere!
55358 You're always thinking you're gonna be
55359 the one that makes 'em act different.
55360 -- Woody Allen, "Manhattan"
55362 You're at the end of the road again.
55364 You're at Witt's End.
55366 You're being followed. Cut out the hanky-panky for a few days.
55368 You're currently going through a difficult transition period called "Life."
55370 You're definitely on their list.
55371 The question to ask next is what list it is.
55373 You're either part of the solution or part of the problem.
55374 -- Eldridge Cleaver
55376 You're growing out of some of your problems,
55377 but there are others that you're growing into.
55379 "You're just the sort of person I imagined marrying, when I was little...
55380 except, y'know, not green... and without all the patches of fungus."
55383 You're never too old to become younger.
55386 You're not Dave. Who are you?
55388 You're not drunk if you can lie on the floor without holding on.
55391 You're reasoning is excellent -- it's
55392 only your basic assumptions that are wrong.
55394 You're ugly and your mother dresses you funny.
55396 You're using a keyboard! How quaint!
55398 You're working under a slight handicap.
55399 You happen to be human.
55401 Yours is not to reason why,
55403 And when you find you have to throw
55405 Remember life as was it is,
55407 Chasing sounds across the galaxy
55408 'Till silence is but a blur.
55411 Youth. It's a wonder that anyone ever outgrows it.
55413 Youth -- not a time of life but a state of mind... a predominance of
55414 courage over timidity, of the appetite for adventure over the love of ease.
55415 -- Robert F. Kennedy
55417 Youth had been a habit of hers so long that she could not part with it.
55419 Youth is a blunder, manhood a struggle, old age a regret.
55420 -- Benjamin Disraeli, "Coningsby"
55422 Youth is a disease from which we all recover.
55423 -- Dorothy Fuldheim
55425 Youth is such a wonderful thing. What a crime to waste it on children.
55426 -- George Bernard Shaw
55428 Youth is the trustee of posterity.
55430 Youth is when you blame all your troubles on your parents; maturity is
55431 when you learn that everything is the fault of the younger generation.
55433 You've always made the mistake of being yourself.
55436 You've been Berkeley'ed!
55438 You've been leading a dog's life. Stay off the furniture.
55440 You've been telling me to relax all the way here,
55441 and now you're telling me just to be myself?
55442 -- The Return of the Secaucus Seven
55444 You've got to pity New Mexico... so far from heaven and so close to Texas.
55446 "Yow! Am I having fun yet?"
55447 -- Zippy the Pinhead
55449 "Yow! Am I in Milwaukee?"
55450 -- Zippy the Pinhead
55452 "Yow! And then we could sit on the hoods of cars at stop lights!"
55453 -- Zippy the Pinhead
55455 "Yow! Did something bad happen or am I in a drive-in movie?"
55456 -- Zippy the Pinhead
55458 "Yow! Is this sexual intercourse yet? Is it, huh, is it?"
55459 -- Zippy the Pinhead
55461 "Yow!! Those people look exactly like Donnie and Marie Osmond!!"
55462 -- Zippy the Pinhead
55464 "Yow! Now I get to think about all the BAD THINGS I did
55465 to a BOWLING BALL when I was in JUNIOR HIGH SCHOOL!"
55466 -- Zippy the Pinhead
55469 Something that is occasionally up but normally down.
55470 (see also Computer).
55473 1: Any time you get a mouthful of hot soup, the next thing you do
55475 2: How long a minute is, depends on which side of the bathroom
55479 Quality seen in new graduates -- if you're quick.
55482 The result of shutting down a production line.
55484 Zero Mostel: That's it baby! When you got it, flaunt it! Flaunt it!
55485 -- Mel Brooks, "The Producers"
55487 Zeus gave Leda the bird.
55490 If you're asked to join a parade, don't march behind the elephants.
55492 Zounds! I was never so bethumped with words
55493 since I first called my brother's father dad.
55494 -- William Shakespeare, "Kind John"
55496 Zymurgy's Law of Volunteer Labor:
55497 People are always available for work in the past tense.