1 Zippy the pinhead data base.
2 Everything up to the first ascii \000 (`null') character is a comment.
3 The file consists of zippy quotations (from various comic books and
4 strips by Bill Griffith) followed by a null character.
5 Newline characters following a quotation are ignored and are present
8 This file is currently used by:
9 * the FORTUNE program on OZ.AI.MIT.EDU
10 * the m-x yow command in GNU Emacs.
11 * NIL (MIT Common Lisp)'s debugger
12 * something bandy wrote at LLL-CRG.ARPA (fucking death labs).
13 * NCSA 1.5 HTTPd (a WWW server)
15 - if it GLISTENS, gobble it!!
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16 -- In 1962, you could buy a pair of SHARKSKIN SLACKS, with a
17 ``Continental Belt,'' for $10.99!!
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18 --``I love KATRINKA because she drives a PONTIAC. We're going away now.
19 I fed the cat. - Zippy''
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20 --- I have seen the FUN ---
\0
21 .. Do you like ``TENDER VITTLES?''?
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22 .. I don't know why but, suddenly, I want to discuss declining I.Q.
23 LEVELS with a blue ribbon SENATE SUB-COMMITTEE!
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24 .. I don't understand the HUMOR of the THREE STOOGES!!
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25 .. I feel.. JUGULAR..
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26 .. I have a VISION! It's a RANCID double-FISHWICH on an ENRICHED BUN!!
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27 .. I see TOILET SEATS...
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28 .. I think I'd better go back to my DESK and toy with
29 a few common MISAPPREHENSIONS...
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30 .. I think I'll KILL myself by leaping out of this
31 14th STOREY WINDOW while reading ERICA JONG'S poetry!!
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32 .. I want FORTY-TWO TRYNEL FLOATATION SYSTEMS installed within
33 SIX AND A HALF HOURS!!!
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34 .. I want a COLOR T.V. and a VIBRATING BED!!!
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35 .. I want to perform cranial activities with Tuesday Weld!!
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36 .. I wonder if I ought to tell them about my PREVIOUS LIFE
37 as a COMPLETE STRANGER?
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38 .. I'm IMAGINING a sensuous GIRAFFE, CAVORTING in the BACK ROOM
40 .. If I had heart failure right now, I couldn't be a more fortunate man!!
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41 .. Like I always say -- nothing can beat the BRATWURST
42 here in DUSSELDORF!!
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43 .. My pants just went on a wild rampage through
44 a Long Island Bowling Alley!!
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45 .. My vaseline is RUNNING...
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46 .. Now I think I just reached the state of HYPERTENSION that comes
47 JUST BEFORE you see the TOTAL at the SAFEWAY CHECKOUT COUNTER!
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48 .. Now KEN and BARBIE are PERMANENTLY ADDICTED to MIND-ALTERING DRUGS..
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49 .. Once upon a time, four AMPHIBIOUS HOG CALLERS attacked a family
50 of DEFENSELESS, SENSITIVE COIN COLLECTORS and brought DOWN their
52 .. One FISHWICH coming up!!
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53 .. Should I get locked in the PRINCIPAL'S OFFICE today --
54 or have a VASECTOMY??
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55 .. So, if we convert SUPPLY-SIDE SOYBEAN FUTURES into
56 HIGH-YIELD T-BILL INDICATORS, the PRE-INFLATIONARY risks
57 will DWINDLE to a rate of 2 SHOPPING SPREES per EGGPLANT!!
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58 .. are the STEWED PRUNES still in the HAIR DRYER?
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59 .. bleakness.... desolation.... plastic forks...
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60 .. does your DRESSING ROOM have enough ASPARAGUS?
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61 .. he dominates the DECADENT SUBWAY SCENE.
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62 .. here I am in 53 B.C. and all I want is a dill pickle!!
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63 .. hubub, hubub, HUBUB, hubub, hubub, hubub, HUBUB, hubub, hubub, hubub.
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64 .. ich bin in einem dusenjet ins jahr 53 vor chr...
65 ich lande im antiken Rom... einige gladiatoren spielen scrabble...
68 .. or were you driving the PONTIAC that HONKED at me
69 in MIAMI last Tuesday?
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70 .. over in west Philadelphia a puppy is vomiting..
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71 .. someone in DAYTON, Ohio is selling USED CARPETS to a SERBO-CROATIAN
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72 .. the HIGHWAY is made out of LIME JELLO and my HONDA
73 is a barbequed OYSTER! Yum!
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74 .. the MYSTERIANS are in here with my CORDUROY SOAP DISH!!
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75 .. this must be what it's like to be a COLLEGE GRADUATE!!
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76 A can of ASPARAGUS, 73 pigeons, some LIVE ammo, and a FROZEN DAQUIRI!!
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77 A dwarf is passing out somewhere in Detroit!
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78 A shapely CATHOLIC SCHOOLGIRL is FIDGETING inside my costume..
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79 A wide-eyed, innocent UNICORN, poised delicately in a MEADOW filled with
80 LILACS, LOLLIPOPS & small CHILDREN at the HUSH of twilight??
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81 ANN JILLIAN'S HAIR makes LONI ANDERSON'S HAIR look like
82 RICARDO MONTALBAN'S HAIR!
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83 Actually, what I'd like is a little toy spaceship!!
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84 All I can think of is a platter of organic PRUNE CRISPS being trampled
85 by an army of swarthy, Italian LOUNGE SINGERS...
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86 All of a sudden, I want to THROW OVER my promising ACTING CAREER,
87 grow a LONG BLACK BEARD and wear a BASEBALL HAT!!
88 ... Although I don't know WHY!!
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89 All of life is a blur of Republicans and meat!
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90 All right, you degenerates! I want this place evacuated in 20 seconds!
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91 All this time I've been VIEWING a RUSSIAN MIDGET SODOMIZE a HOUSECAT!
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92 Alright, you!! Imitate a WOUNDED SEAL pleading for a PARKING SPACE!!
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94 Am I accompanied by a PARENT or GUARDIAN?
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96 Am I in GRADUATE SCHOOL yet?
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97 America!! I saw it all!! Vomiting! Waving! JERRY FALWELLING into
98 your void tube of UHF oblivion!! SAFEWAY of the mind --
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99 An INK-LING? Sure -- TAKE one!! Did you BUY any COMMUNIST UNIFORMS??
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100 An Italian is COMBING his hair in suburban DES MOINES!
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101 An air of FRENCH FRIES permeates my nostrils!!
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102 And furthermore, my bowling average is unimpeachable!!!
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104 Are we THERE yet? My MIND is a SUBMARINE!!
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105 Are we live or on tape?
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106 Are we on STRIKE yet?
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107 Are you mentally here at Pizza Hut??
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108 Are you selling NYLON OIL WELLS?? If so, we can use TWO DOZEN!!
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109 Are you still an ALCOHOLIC?
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110 As President I have to go vacuum my coin collection!
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111 Awright, which one of you hid my PENIS ENVY?
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112 BARBARA STANWYCK makes me nervous!!
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113 BARRY.. That was the most HEART-WARMING rendition of
114 ``I DID IT MY WAY'' I've ever heard!!
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115 BELA LUGOSI is my co-pilot..
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116 BI-BI-BI-BI-BI-BI-BI-BI-BI-BI-BI-BI-BI-BI-BI-BI-BI-BI-BI-BI-BI-BI-BI-BI-BI-BI-
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117 Barbie says, Take quaaludes in gin and go to a disco right away!
118 But Ken says, WOO-WOO!! No credit at ``Mr. Liquor''!!
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119 Being a BALD HERO is almost as FESTIVE as a TATTOOED KNOCKWURST.
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120 Bo Derek ruined my life!
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121 Boy, am I glad it's only 1971...
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122 Boys, you have ALL been selected to LEAVE th' PLANET in 15 minutes!!
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123 But was he mature enough last night at the lesbian masquerade?
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124 CHUBBY CHECKER just had a CHICKEN SANDWICH in downtown DULUTH!
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125 CONGRATULATIONS! Now should I make thinly veiled comments about
126 DIGNITY, self-esteem and finding TRUE FUN in your RIGHT VENTRICLE??
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127 Can I have an IMPULSE ITEM instead?
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128 Can you MAIL a BEAN CAKE?
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129 Catsup and Mustard all over the place! It's the Human Hamburger!
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130 Civilization is fun! Anyway, it keeps me busy!!
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131 Clear the laundromat!! This whirl-o-matic just had a nuclear meltdown!!
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132 Concentrate on th'cute, li'l CARTOON GUYS!
133 Remember the SERIAL NUMBERS!! Follow the WHIPPLE AVE EXIT!!
134 Have a FREE PEPSI!! Turn LEFT at th'HOLIDAY INN!!
135 JOIN the CREDIT WORLD!! MAKE me an OFFER!!!
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136 Content: 80% POLYESTER, 20% DACRON.. The waitress's
137 UNIFORM sheds TARTAR SAUCE like an 8'' by 10'' GLOSSY..
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138 Could I have a drug overdose?
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139 DIDI... is that a MARTIAN name, or, are we in ISRAEL?
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140 DON'T go!! I'm not HOWARD COSELL!! I know POLISH JOKES... WAIT!!
141 Don't go!! I AM Howard Cosell!... And I DON'T know Polish jokes!!
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142 Did I SELL OUT yet??
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143 Did I do an INCORRECT THING??
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144 Did I say I was a sardine? Or a bus???
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145 Did YOU find a DIGITAL WATCH in YOUR box of VELVEETA?
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146 Did an Italian CRANE OPERATOR just experience uninhibited sensations
147 in a MALIBU HOT TUB?
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148 Did you move a lot of KOREAN STEAK KNIVES this trip, Dingy?
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149 Didn't I buy a 1951 Packard from you last March in Cairo?
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150 Disco oil bussing will create a throbbing naugahide pipeline running
151 straight to the tropics from the rug producing regions
152 and devalue the dollar!
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153 Do I have a lifestyle yet?
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154 Do you guys know we just passed thru a BLACK HOLE in space?
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155 Do you have exactly what I want in a plaid poindexter bar bat??
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156 Do you think the ``Monkees'' should get gas on odd or even days?
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157 Does someone from PEORIA have a SHORTER ATTENTION span than me?
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158 Don't SANFORIZE me!!
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159 Don't hit me!! I'm in the Twilight Zone!!!
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160 Don't worry, nobody really LISTENS to lectures in MOSCOW, either!
161 .. FRENCH, HISTORY, ADVANCED CALCULUS, COMPUTER PROGRAMMING,
162 BLACK STUDIES, SOCIOBIOLOGY!.. Are there any QUESTIONS??
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163 Edwin Meese made me wear CORDOVANS!!
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164 Eisenhower!! Your mimeograph machine upsets my stomach!!
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165 Either CONFESS now or we go to ``PEOPLE'S COURT''!!
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166 Everybody gets free BORSCHT!
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167 Everybody is going somewhere!! It's probably a garage sale
168 or a disaster Movie!!
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169 Everywhere I look I see NEGATIVITY and ASPHALT...
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170 Excuse me, but didn't I tell you there's NO HOPE for the
171 survival of OFFSET PRINTING?
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172 FEELINGS are cascading over me!!!
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173 FOOLED you! Absorb EGO SHATTERING impulse rays, polyester poltroon!!
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174 FROZEN ENTREES may be flung by members of opposing SWANSON SECTS..
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175 FUN is never having to say you're SUSHI!!
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176 Finally, Zippy drives his 1958 RAMBLER METROPOLITAN into the
177 faculty dining room.
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178 First, I'm going to give you all the ANSWERS to today's test..
179 So just plug in your SONY WALKMANS and relax!!
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180 Four thousand different MAGNATES, MOGULS & NABOBS are romping in my
182 GOOD-NIGHT, everybody.. Now I have to go administer FIRST-AID
183 to my pet LEISURE SUIT!!
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184 Gee, I feel kind of LIGHT in the head now, knowing I can't make
185 my satellite dish PAYMENTS!
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186 Gibble, Gobble, we ACCEPT YOU ---
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187 Give them RADAR-GUIDED SKEE-BALL LANES and VELVEETA BURRITOS!!
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188 Go on, EMOTE! I was RAISED on thought balloons!!
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189 HAIR TONICS, please!!
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190 HELLO KITTY gang terrorizes town, family STICKERED to death!
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191 HELLO, everybody, I'm a HUMAN!!
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192 HOORAY, Ronald!! Now YOU can marry LINDA RONSTADT too!!
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193 HUGH BEAUMONT died in 1982!!
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194 HUMAN REPLICAS are inserted into VATS of NUTRITIONAL YEAST...
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195 Half a mind is a terrible thing to waste!
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196 Hand me a pair of leather pants and a CASIO keyboard
197 -- I'm living for today!
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198 Has everybody got HALVAH spread all over their ANKLES??...
199 Now, it's time to ``HAVE A NAGEELA''!!
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200 He is the MELBA-BEING... the ANGEL CAKE...
201 XEROX him... XEROX him --
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202 He probably just wants to take over my CELLS and then EXPLODE
203 inside me like a BARREL of runny CHOPPED LIVER! Or maybe he'd
204 like to PSYCHOLOGICALLY TERRORIZE ME until I have no objection
205 to a RIGHT-WING MILITARY TAKEOVER of my apartment!! I guess
206 I should call AL PACINO!
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207 Hello, GORRY-O!! I'm a GENIUS from HARVARD!!
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208 Hello. I know the divorce rate among unmarried Catholic
210 Hello. Just walk along and try NOT to think about your
211 INTESTINES being almost FORTY YARDS LONG!!
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212 Hello... IRON CURTAIN? Send over a SAUSAGE PIZZA!
213 World War III? No thanks!
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214 Hello? Enema Bondage? I'm calling because I want to be happy, I guess..
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215 Here I am at the flea market but nobody is buying
216 my urine sample bottles..
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217 Here I am in the POSTERIOR OLFACTORY LOBULE but I don't see CARL SAGAN
219 Here we are in America... when do we collect unemployment?
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220 Hey, wait a minute!! I want a divorce!!.. you're not Clint Eastwood!!
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221 Hey, waiter! I want a NEW SHIRT and a PONY TAIL with lemon sauce!
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222 Hiccuping & trembling into the WASTE DUMPS of New Jersey like some
223 drunken CABBAGE PATCH DOLL, coughing in line at FIORUCCI'S!!
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224 Hmmm.. A hash-singer and a cross-eyed guy were SLEEPING on a deserted
226 Hmmm.. a CRIPPLED ACCOUNTANT with a FALAFEL sandwich is HIT
228 Hmmm... a PINHEAD, during an EARTHQUAKE, encounters an ALL-MIDGET FIDDLE
229 ORCHESTRA... ha.. ha..
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230 Hmmm... an arrogant bouquet with a subtle suggestion of
231 POLYVINYL CHLORIDE...
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232 Hold the MAYO & pass the COSMIC AWARENESS...
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234 How do you explain Wayne Newton's POWER over millions?
235 It's th' MOUSTACHE... Have you ever noticed th' way it radiates
236 SINCERITY, HONESTY & WARMTH? It's a MOUSTACHE you want to take
237 HOME and introduce to NANCY SINATRA!
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238 How many retired bricklayers from FLORIDA are out purchasing
239 PENCIL SHARPENERS right NOW??
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240 How's it going in those MODULAR LOVE UNITS??
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241 How's the wife? Is she at home enjoying capitalism?
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242 I HAVE to buy a new ``DODGE MISER'' and two dozen JORDACHE
243 JEANS because my viewscreen is ``USER-FRIENDLY''!!
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244 I KAISER ROLL?! What good is a Kaiser Roll without a little
245 COLE SLAW on the SIDE?
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247 I always have fun because I'm out of my mind!!!
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249 I am a jelly donut. I am a jelly donut.
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250 I am a traffic light, and Alan Ginzberg kidnapped my laundry in 1927!
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251 I am covered with pure vegetable oil and I am writing a best seller!
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252 I am deeply CONCERNED and I want something GOOD for BREAKFAST!
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253 I am having FUN... I wonder if it's NET FUN or GROSS FUN?
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254 I appoint you ambassador to Fantasy Island!!!
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255 I brought my BOWLING BALL - and some DRUGS!!
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256 I can't decide which WRONG TURN to make first!!
257 I wonder if BOB GUCCIONE has these problems!
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258 I can't think about that. It doesn't go with HEDGES in the shape of
259 LITTLE LULU -- or ROBOTS making BRICKS...
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261 I didn't order any WOO-WOO... Maybe a YUBBA.. But no WOO-WOO!
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262 I don't believe there really IS a GAS SHORTAGE.. I think it's all
263 just a BIG HOAX on the part of the plastic sign salesmen--
264 .. to sell more numbers!!
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265 I don't know WHY I said that.. I think it came from the FILLINGS
266 in my rear molars..
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267 I feel better about world problems now!
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268 I feel like I am sharing a ``CORN-DOG'' with NIKITA KHRUSCHEV..
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269 I feel like I'm in a Toilet Bowl with a thumbtack in my forehead!!
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270 I feel like a wet parking meter on Darvon!
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271 I feel partially hydrogenated!
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272 I fill MY industrial waste containers with old copies
273 of the ``WATCHTOWER'' and then add HAWAIIAN PUNCH to
274 the top.. They look NICE in the yard--
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275 I guess it was all a DREAM.. or an episode of HAWAII FIVE-O...
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276 I guess you guys got BIG MUSCLES from doing too much STUDYING!
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277 I had a lease on an OEDIPUS COMPLEX back in '81...
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278 I had pancake makeup for brunch!
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279 I have a TINY BOWL in my HEAD
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280 I have a very good DENTAL PLAN. Thank you.
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281 I have accepted Provolone into my life!
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282 I have many CHARTS and DIAGRAMS..
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283 I have seen these EGG EXTENDERS in my Supermarket..
284 .. I have read the INSTRUCTIONS...
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285 I have the power to HALT PRODUCTION on all TEENAGE SEX COMEDIES!!
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286 I haven't been married in over six years, but we had sexual counseling
287 every day from Oral Roberts!!
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288 I hope I bought the right relish... zzzzzzzzz...
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289 I hope something GOOD came in the mail today so I have
291 I hope the ``Eurythmics'' practice birth control...
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292 I hope you millionaires are having fun! I just invested half
293 your life savings in yeast!!
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294 I invented skydiving in 1989!
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295 I joined scientology at a garage sale!!
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296 I just forgot my whole philosophy of life!!!
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297 I just got my PRINCE bumper sticker..
298 But now I can't remember WHO he is...
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299 I just had a NOSE JOB!!
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300 I just had my entire INTESTINAL TRACT coated with TEFLON!
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301 I just heard the SEVENTIES were over!! And I was just getting in touch
302 with my LEISURE SUIT!!
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303 I just remembered something about a TOAD!
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304 I know how to do SPECIAL EFFECTS!!
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305 I know th'MAMBO!! I have a TWO-TONE CHEMISTRY SET!!
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306 I know things about TROY DONAHUE that can't even be PRINTED!!
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307 I left my WALLET in the BATHROOM!!
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308 I like the way ONLY their mouths move.. They look like DYING OYSTERS
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309 I like your SNOOPY POSTER!!
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310 I love ROCK 'N ROLL! I memorized all the WORDS to ``WIPE-OUT'' in 1965!!
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311 I need to discuss BUY-BACK PROVISIONS with at least
312 six studio SLEAZEBALLS!!
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313 I once decorated my apartment entirely in ten foot salad forks!!
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314 I own seven-eighths of all the artists in downtown Burbank!
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315 I put aside my copy of ``BOWLING WORLD'' and think
316 about GUN CONTROL legislation..
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317 I represent a sardine!!
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318 I request a weekend in Havana with Phil Silvers!
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319 I selected E5... but I didn't hear ``Sam the Sham and the Pharaohs''!
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320 I smell a RANCID CORN DOG!
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321 I smell like a wet reducing clinic on Columbus Day!
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322 I think I am an overnight sensation right now!!
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323 I think my career is ruined!
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324 I used to be a FUNDAMENTALIST, but then I heard about the
325 HIGH RADIATION LEVELS and bought an ENCYCLOPEDIA!!
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326 I want EARS! I want two ROUND BLACK EARS to make me feel warm 'n secure!!
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327 I want a VEGETARIAN BURRITO to go.. with EXTRA MSG!!
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328 I want a WESSON OIL lease!!
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329 I want another RE-WRITE on my CAESAR SALAD!!
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330 I want the presidency so bad I can already taste the hors d'oeuvres.
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331 I want to dress you up as TALLULAH BANKHEAD and cover you with
332 VASELINE and WHEAT THINS..
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333 I want to kill everyone here with a cute colorful Hydrogen Bomb!!
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334 I want to read my new poem about pork brains and outer space...
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335 I want to be so HAPPY, the VEINS in my neck STAND OUT!!
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336 I want you to MEMORIZE the collected poems of EDNA ST VINCENT MILLAY..
338 I want you to organize my PASTRY trays... my TEA-TINS are gleaming in
339 formation like a ROW of DRUM MAJORETTES --
340 please don't be FURIOUS with me --
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341 I was born in a Hostess Cupcake factory before the sexual revolution!
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342 I was making donuts and now I'm on a bus!
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343 I wish I was a sex-starved manicurist found dead in the Bronx!!
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344 I wish I was on a Cincinnati street corner holding a clean dog!
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345 I wonder if I could ever get started in the credit world?
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346 I wonder if I should put myself in ESCROW!!
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347 I wonder if there's anything GOOD on tonight?
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348 I would like to urinate in an OVULAR, porcelain pool --
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349 I'd like MY data-base JULIENNED and stir-fried!
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350 I'd like some JUNK FOOD... and then I want to be ALONE --
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351 I'll eat ANYTHING that's BRIGHT BLUE!!
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352 I'll show you MY telex number if you show me YOURS...
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353 I'm ANN LANDERS!! I can SHOPLIFT!!
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354 I'm DESPONDENT... I hope there's something DEEP-FRIED under this
355 miniature DOMED STADIUM...
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356 I'm EMOTIONAL now because I have MERCHANDISING CLOUT!!
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357 I'm GLAD I remembered to XEROX all my UNDERSHIRTS!!
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358 I'm QUIETLY reading the latest issue of ``BOWLING WORLD''
359 while my wife and two children stand QUIETLY BY..
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360 I'm RELIGIOUS!! I love a man with a HAIRPIECE!!
361 Equip me with MISSILES!!
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362 I'm ZIPPY the PINHEAD and I'm totally committed to the festive mode.
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363 I'm a GENIUS! I want to dispute sentence structure with SUSAN SONTAG!!
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364 I'm a fuschia bowling ball somewhere in Brittany
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365 I'm a nuclear submarine under the polar ice cap and I need a Kleenex!
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366 I'm also against BODY-SURFING!!
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367 I'm also pre-POURED pre-MEDITATED and pre-RAPHAELITE!!
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368 I'm changing the CHANNEL.. But all I get is commercials
369 for ``RONCO MIRACLE BAMBOO STEAMERS''!
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370 I'm continually AMAZED at th'breathtaking effects of WIND EROSION!!
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371 I'm definitely not in Omaha!
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372 I'm dressing up in an ill-fitting IVY-LEAGUE SUIT!! Too late...
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373 I'm encased in the lining of a pure pork sausage!!
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374 I'm gliding over a NUCLEAR WASTE DUMP near ATLANTA, Georgia!!
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375 I'm having BEAUTIFUL THOUGHTS about the INSIPID WIVES
376 of smug and wealthy CORPORATE LAWYERS..
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377 I'm having a BIG BANG THEORY!!
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378 I'm having a MID-WEEK CRISIS!
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379 I'm having a RELIGIOUS EXPERIENCE.. and I don't take any DRUGS
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380 I'm having a tax-deductible experience! I need an energy crunch!!
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381 I'm having an EMOTIONAL OUTBURST!! But, uh, WHY is there a WAFFLE
382 in my PAJAMA POCKET??
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383 I'm having an emotional outburst!!
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384 I'm having fun HITCHHIKING to CINCINNATI or FAR ROCKAWAY!!
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385 I'm in direct contact with many advanced fun CONCEPTS.
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387 I'm meditating on the FORMALDEHYDE and the ASBESTOS leaking into my
389 I'm mentally OVERDRAWN! What's that SIGNPOST up ahead?
390 Where's ROD STERLING when you really need him?
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391 I'm not an Iranian!! I voted for Dianne Feinstein!!
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392 I'm not available for comment..
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393 I'm pretending I'm pulling in a TROUT! Am I doing it correctly??
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394 I'm pretending that we're all watching PHIL SILVERS
395 instead of RICARDO MONTALBAN!
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397 I'm receiving a coded message from EUBIE BLAKE!!
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398 I'm reporting for duty as a modern person. I want to do
399 the Latin Hustle now!
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400 I'm shaving!! I'M SHAVING!!
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401 I'm sitting on my SPEED QUEEN.. To me, it's ENJOYABLE..
402 I'm WARM.. I'm VIBRATORY..
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403 I'm thinking about DIGITAL READ-OUT systems and
404 computer-generated IMAGE FORMATIONS..
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405 I'm totally DESPONDENT over the LIBYAN situation and the price of CHICKEN..
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406 I'm using my X-RAY VISION to obtain a rare glimpse of the
407 INNER WORKINGS of this POTATO!!
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408 I'm wearing PAMPERS!!
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410 I'm young.. I'm HEALTHY.. I can HIKE THRU CAPT GROGAN'S LUMBAR REGIONS!
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411 I've got a COUSIN who works in the GARMENT DISTRICT...
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412 I've got an IDEA!! Why don't I STARE at you so HARD,
413 you forget your SOCIAL SECURITY NUMBER!!
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414 I've read SEVEN MILLION books!!
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415 INSIDE, I have the same personality disorder as LUCY RICARDO!!
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416 If I am elected no one will ever have to do their laundry again!
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417 If I am elected, the concrete barriers around the WHITE HOUSE
418 will be replaced by tasteful foam replicas of ANN MARGARET!
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419 If I felt any more SOPHISTICATED I would DIE of EMBARRASSMENT!
\0
420 If I had a Q-TIP, I could prevent th'collapse of NEGOTIATIONS!!
\0
421 If I pull this SWITCH I'll be RITA HAYWORTH!! Or a SCIENTOLOGIST!
\0
422 If Robert Di Niro assassinates Walter Slezak, will
423 Jodie Foster marry Bonzo??
\0
424 If a person is FAMOUS in this country, they have to go on the ROAD
425 for MONTHS at a time and have their name misspelled on the SIDE
426 of a GREYHOUND SCENICRUISER!!
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427 If elected, Zippy pledges to each and every American
428 a 55-year-old houseboy...
\0
429 If our behavior is strict, we do not need fun!
\0
430 In Newark the laundromats are open 24 hours a day!
\0
431 Inside, I'm already SOBBING!
\0
432 Is a tattoo real, like a curb or a battleship?
433 Or are we suffering in Safeway?
\0
434 Is it 1974? What's for SUPPER? Can I spend my COLLEGE FUND in
435 one wild afternoon??
\0
436 Is it NOUVELLE CUISINE when 3 olives are struggling with a scallop
437 in a plate of SAUCE MORNAY?
\0
438 Is it clean in other dimensions?
\0
439 Is something VIOLENT going to happen to a GARBAGE CAN?
\0
440 Is this TERMINAL fun?
\0
441 Is this an out-take from the ``BRADY BUNCH''?
\0
442 Is this going to involve RAW human ecstasy?
\0
443 Is this the line for the latest whimsical YUGOSLAVIAN drama which also
444 makes you want to CRY and reconsider the VIETNAM WAR?
\0
445 Isn't this my STOP?!
\0
446 It don't mean a THING if you ain't got that SWING!!
\0
447 It was a JOKE!! Get it?? I was receiving messages
448 from DAVID LETTERMAN!! YOW!!
\0
449 It's NO USE.. I've gone to ``CLUB MED''!!
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450 It's OBVIOUS.. The FURS never reached ISTANBUL.. You were
451 an EXTRA in the REMAKE of ``TOPKAPI''.. Go home to your
452 WIFE.. She's making FRENCH TOAST!
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453 It's OKAY --- I'm an INTELLECTUAL, too.
\0
454 It's a lot of fun being alive... I wonder if my bed is made?!?
\0
455 It's the RINSE CYCLE!! They've ALL IGNORED the RINSE CYCLE!!
\0
456 JAPAN is a WONDERFUL planet -- I wonder if we'll ever reach
457 their level of COMPARATIVE SHOPPING...
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458 Jesus is my POSTMASTER GENERAL..
\0
459 Kids, don't gross me off.. ``Adventures with MENTAL HYGIENE''
460 can be carried too FAR!
\0
461 Kids, the seven basic food groups are GUM, PUFF PASTRY, PIZZA,
462 PESTICIDES, ANTIBIOTICS, NUTRA-SWEET and MILK DUDS!!
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463 LBJ, LBJ, how many JOKES did you tell today??!
\0
464 LOOK!! Sullen American teens wearing MADRAS shorts and
465 ``Flock of Seagulls'' HAIRCUTS!
\0
466 Laundry is the fifth dimension!! ...um...um... th' washing machine
467 is a black hole and the pink socks are bus drivers who just fell in!!
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468 Leona, I want to CONFESS things to you..
469 I want to WRAP you in a SCARLET ROBE trimmed with POLYVINYL CHLORIDE..
470 I want to EMPTY your ASHTRAYS...
\0
471 Let me do my TRIBUTE to FISHNET STOCKINGS...
\0
472 Let's all show human CONCERN for REVEREND MOON's legal difficulties!!
\0
473 Let's send the Russians defective lifestyle accessories!
\0
474 Life is a POPULARITY CONTEST! I'm REFRESHINGLY CANDID!!
\0
475 Loni Anderson's hair should be LEGALIZED!!
\0
476 Look DEEP into the OPENINGS!! Do you see any ELVES or EDSELS...
478 Look into my eyes and try to forget that you have a Macy's charge card!
\0
479 Look! A ladder! Maybe it leads to heaven, or a sandwich!
\0
480 MERYL STREEP is my obstetrician!
\0
481 MMM-MM!! So THIS is BIO-NEBULATION!
\0
482 MY income is ALL disposable!
\0
483 Make me look like LINDA RONSTADT again!!
\0
484 Mary Tyler Moore's SEVENTH HUSBAND is wearing my DACRON TANK TOP
485 in a cheap hotel in HONOLULU!
\0
486 Maybe we could paint GOLDIE HAWN a rich PRUSSIAN BLUE--
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487 Mmmmmm-MMMMMM!! A plate of STEAMING PIECES of a PIG mixed
488 with the shreds of SEVERAL CHICKENS!!... Oh BOY!! I'm
489 about to swallow a TORN-OFF section of a COW'S LEFT LEG
490 soaked in COTTONSEED OIL and SUGAR!! .. Let's see..
491 Next, I'll have the GROUND-UP flesh of CUTE, BABY LAMBS
492 fried in the MELTED, FATTY TISSUES from a warm-blooded
493 animal someone once PETTED!! ... YUM!! That was GOOD!!
494 For DESSERT, I'll have a TOFU BURGER with BEAN SPROUTS
495 on a stone-ground, WHOLE WHEAT BUN!!
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496 Mr and Mrs PED, can I borrow 26.7% of the RAYON TEXTILE production
497 of the INDONESIAN archipelago?
\0
498 My Aunt MAUREEN was a military advisor to IKE & TINA TURNER!!
\0
499 My BIOLOGICAL ALARM CLOCK just went off.. It has noiseless
500 DOZE FUNCTION and full kitchen!!
\0
501 My CODE of ETHICS is vacationing at famed SCHROON LAKE
502 in upstate New York!!
\0
504 My LESLIE GORE record is BROKEN..
\0
505 My face is new, my license is expired, and I'm under a doctor's care!!!!
\0
506 My haircut is totally traditional!
\0
507 My life is a patio of fun!
\0
508 My mind is a potato field...
\0
509 My mind is making ashtrays in Dayton....
\0
510 My nose feels like a bad Ronald Reagan movie...
\0
511 My pants just went to high school in the Carlsbad Caverns!!!
\0
512 My polyvinyl cowboy wallet was made in Hong Kong by Montgomery Clift!
\0
513 My uncle Murray conquered Egypt in 53 B.C. And I can prove it too!!
\0
514 NANCY!! Why is everything RED?!
\0
515 NATHAN... your PARENTS were in a CARCRASH!!
516 They're VOIDED - They COLLAPSED
517 They had no CHAINSAWS... They had no MONEY MACHINES...
518 They did PILLS in SKIMPY GRASS SKIRTS...
519 Nathan, I EMULATED them... but they were OFF-KEY...
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520 NEWARK has been REZONED!! DES MOINES has been REZONED!!
\0
521 Not SENSUOUS... only ``FROLICSOME''...
522 and in need of DENTAL WORK... in PAIN!!!
\0
523 Now I am depressed...
\0
524 Now I understand the meaning of ``THE MOD SQUAD''!
\0
525 Now I'm being INVOLUNTARILY shuffled closer to the CLAM DIP
526 with the BROKEN PLASTIC FORKS in it!!
\0
527 Now I'm concentrating on a specific tank battle toward
528 the end of World War II!
\0
529 Now I'm having INSIPID THOUGHTS about the beautiful, round
530 wives of HOLLYWOOD MOVIE MOGULS encased in PLEXIGLAS CARS
531 and being approached by SMALL BOYS selling FRUIT..
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532 Now my EMOTIONAL RESOURCES are heavily committed to 23% of the
533 SMELTING and REFINING industry of the state of NEVADA!!
\0
534 Now that I have my ``APPLE,'' I comprehend COST ACCOUNTING!!
\0
535 Now, I think it would be GOOD to buy FIVE or SIX STUDEBAKERS
536 and CRUISE for ARTIFICIAL FLAVORING!!
\0
537 Now, let's SEND OUT for QUICHE!!
\0
538 OKAY!! Turn on the sound ONLY for TRYNEL CARPETING,
539 FULLY-EQUIPPED R.V.'S and FLOATATION SYSTEMS!!
\0
540 OMNIVERSAL AWARENESS?? Oh, YEH!! First you need 4 GALLONS of JELL-O
541 and a BIG WRENCH!!... I think you drop th'WRENCH in the JELL-O as if
542 it was a FLAVOR, or an INGREDIENT... ...or...I...um... WHERE'S the
544 ONE: I will donate my entire ``BABY HUEY'' comic book collection
545 to the downtown PLASMA CENTER..
546 TWO: I won't START a BAND called ``KHADAFY & THE HIT SQUAD''..
547 THREE: I won't ever TUMBLE DRY my FOX TERRIER again!!
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548 OVER the underpass! UNDER the overpass! Around the FUTURE
549 and BEYOND REPAIR!!
\0
550 Of course, you UNDERSTAND about the PLAIDS in the SPIN CYCLE --
\0
551 Oh my GOD -- the SUN just fell into YANKEE STADIUM!!
\0
552 Oh, I get it!! ``The BEACH goes on,'' huh, SONNY??
\0
553 Okay.. I'm going home to write the ``I HATE RUBIK's CUBE
554 HANDBOOK FOR DEAD CAT LOVERS''..
\0
555 On SECOND thought, maybe I'll heat up some BAKED BEANS and
556 watch REGIS PHILBIN.. It's GREAT to be ALIVE!!
\0
557 On the other hand, life can be an endless parade of TRANSSEXUAL
558 QUILTING BEES aboard a cruise ship to DISNEYWORLD
559 if only we let it!!
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560 On the road, ZIPPY is a pinhead without a purpose, but never
562 Once, there was NO fun... This was before MENU planning,
563 FASHION statements or NAUTILUS equipment...
564 Then, in 1985.. FUN was completely encoded in this tiny MICROCHIP..
565 It contain 14,768 vaguely amusing SIT-COM pilots!!
566 We had to wait FOUR BILLION years but we finally got JERRY LEWIS,
567 MTV and a large selection of creme-filled snack cakes!
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568 Our father who art in heaven.. I sincerely pray that SOMEBODY
569 at this table will PAY for my SHREDDED WHAT and ENGLISH MUFFIN..
570 and also leave a GENEROUS TIP...
\0
571 PARDON me, am I speaking ENGLISH?
\0
572 PEGGY FLEMING is stealing BASKET BALLS to feed the babies in VERMONT.
\0
574 PUNK ROCK!! DISCO DUCK!! BIRTH CONTROL!!
\0
575 Pardon me, but do you know what it means to be TRULY ONE
577 Place me on a BUFFER counter while you BELITTLE several BELLHOPS
578 in the Trianon Room!! Let me one of your SUBSIDIARIES!
\0
579 Please come home with me... I have Tylenol!!
\0
580 Psychoanalysis?? I thought this was a nude rap session!!!
\0
581 Quick, sing me the BUDAPEST NATIONAL ANTHEM!!
\0
584 Remember, in 2039, MOUSSE & PASTA will be available
585 ONLY by prescription!!
\0
586 SANTA CLAUS comes down a FIRE ESCAPE wearing bright
587 blue LEG WARMERS.. He scrubs the POPE with a mild
588 soap or detergent for 15 minutes, starring JANE FONDA!!
\0
589 SHHHH!! I hear SIX TATTOOED TRUCK-DRIVERS tossing ENGINE BLOCKS
590 into empty OIL DRUMS..
\0
591 Send your questions to ``ASK ZIPPY'', Box 40474,
592 San Francisco, CA 94140, USA
\0
593 Should I do my BOBBIE VINTON medley?
\0
594 Should I start with the time I SWITCHED personalities with a BEATNIK
595 hair stylist or my failure to refer five TEENAGERS to a good OCULIST?
\0
597 So this is what it feels like to be potato salad
\0
598 Sometime in 1993 NANCY SINATRA will lead a BLOODLESS COUP on GUAM!!
\0
599 Somewhere in DOWNTOWN BURBANK a prostitute is OVERCOOKING a LAMB CHOP!!
\0
600 Somewhere in Tenafly, New Jersey, a chiropractor is viewing
601 ``Leave it to Beaver''!
\0
602 Somewhere in suburban Honolulu, an unemployed bellhop is whipping up
603 a batch of illegal psilocybin chop suey!!
\0
604 Spreading peanut butter reminds me of opera!! I wonder why?
\0
605 TAILFINS!! ...click...
\0
606 TAPPING? You POLITICIANS! Don't you realize that the END of the
607 ``Wash Cycle'' is a TREASURED MOMENT for most people?!
\0
608 TONY RANDALL! Is YOUR life a PATIO of FUN??
\0
609 Talking Pinhead Blues:
610 Oh, I LOST my ``HELLO KITTY'' DOLL and I get BAD reception on
612 Th'HOSTESS FACTORY is closin' down and I just heard ZASU PITTS
613 has been DEAD for YEARS.. (sniff)
614 My PLATFORM SHOE collection was CHEWED up by th'dog, ALEXANDER
615 HAIG won't let me take a SHOWER 'til Easter.. (snurf)
616 So I went to the kitchen, but WALNUT PANELING whup me
617 upside mah HAID!! (on no, no, no.. Heh, heh)
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618 Tex SEX! The HOME of WHEELS! The dripping of COFFEE!! Take me
619 to Minnesota but don't EMBARRASS me!!
\0
620 Th' MIND is the Pizza Palace of th' SOUL
\0
621 Thank god!!.. It's HENNY YOUNGMAN!!
\0
622 The FALAFEL SANDWICH lands on my HEAD and I become a VEGETARIAN...
\0
623 The Korean War must have been fun.
\0
624 The Osmonds! You are all Osmonds!! Throwing up on a freeway at dawn!!!
\0
625 The PILLSBURY DOUGHBOY is CRYING for an END to BURT REYNOLDS movies!!
\0
626 The PINK SOCKS were ORIGINALLY from 1952!!
627 But they went to MARS around 1953!!
\0
628 The SAME WAVE keeps coming in and COLLAPSING like a rayon MUU-MUU..
\0
629 The appreciation of the average visual graphisticator alone is worth
630 the whole suaveness and decadence which abounds!!
\0
631 The entire CHINESE WOMEN'S VOLLEYBALL TEAM all share ONE personality --
632 and have since BIRTH!!
\0
633 The fact that 47 PEOPLE are yelling and sweat is cascading
634 down my SPINAL COLUMN is fairly enjoyable!!
\0
635 There's a little picture of ED MCMAHON doing BAD THINGS to JOAN RIVERS
636 in a $200,000 MALIBU BEACH HOUSE!!
\0
637 There's enough money here to buy 5000 cans of Noodle-Roni!
\0
638 These PRESERVES should be FORCE-FED to PENTAGON OFFICIALS!!
\0
639 They collapsed.... like nuns in the street...
640 they had no teen appeal!
\0
641 This ASEXUAL PIG really BOILS my BLOOD... He's so..so.....URGENT!!
\0
642 This MUST be a good party -- My RIB CAGE is being painfully
643 pressed up against someone's MARTINI!!
\0
644 This PIZZA symbolizes my COMPLETE EMOTIONAL RECOVERY!!
\0
645 This PORCUPINE knows his ZIPCODE.. And he has ``VISA''!!
\0
646 This TOPS OFF my partygoing experience! Someone I DON'T LIKE
647 is talking to me about a HEART-WARMING European film..
\0
648 This is a NO-FRILLS flight -- hold th' CANADIAN BACON!!
\0
649 Those aren't WINOS--that's my JUGGLER, my AERIALIST,
650 my SWORD SWALLOWER, and my LATEX NOVELTY SUPPLIER!!
\0
651 Thousands of days of civilians ... have produced a...
652 feeling for the aesthetic modules --
\0
653 Today, THREE WINOS from DETROIT sold me a framed photo of
654 TAB HUNTER before his MAKEOVER!
\0
655 Toes, knees, NIPPLES. Toes, knees, nipples, KNUCKLES...
656 Nipples, dimples, knuckles, NICKELS, wrinkles, pimples!!
657 I don't like FRANK SINATRA or his CHILDREN.
\0
658 UH-OH!! I put on ``GREAT HEAD-ON TRAIN COLLISIONS of the 50's''
660 UH-OH!! I think KEN is OVER-DUE on his R.V. PAYMENTS and HE'S
661 having a NERVOUS BREAKDOWN too!! Ha ha.
\0
662 UH-OH!! We're out of AUTOMOBILE PARTS and RUBBER GOODS!
\0
663 Uh-oh -- WHY am I suddenly thinking of a VENERABLE religious leader
664 frolicking on a FORT LAUDERDALE weekend?
\0
665 Uh-oh!! I forgot to submit to COMPULSORY URINALYSIS!
\0
666 Uh-oh!! I'm having TOO MUCH FUN!!
\0
667 Used staples are good with SOY SAUCE!
\0
668 Vote for ME -- I'm well-tapered, half-cocked, ill-conceived and
670 WHO sees a BEACH BUNNY sobbing on a SHAG RUG?!
\0
671 WHOA!! Ken and Barbie are having TOO MUCH FUN!! It must
672 be the NEGATIVE IONS!!
\0
673 Wait.. is this a FUN THING or the END of LIFE in Petticoat Junction??
\0
674 Was my SOY LOAF left out in th'RAIN? It tastes REAL GOOD!!
\0
675 We are now enjoying total mutual interaction in an imaginary hot tub...
\0
676 We have DIFFERENT amounts of HAIR --
\0
677 We just joined the civil hair patrol!
\0
678 We place two copies of PEOPLE magazine in a DARK, HUMID mobile home.
679 45 minutes later CYNDI LAUPER emerges wearing a BIRD CAGE on her head!
\0
680 Well, I'm INVISIBLE AGAIN.. I might as well pay a visit to the
682 Well, I'm a classic ANAL RETENTIVE!! And I'm looking for a way to
683 VICARIOUSLY experience some reason to LIVE!!
\0
684 Well, O.K. I'll compromise with my principles because of
685 EXISTENTIAL DESPAIR!
\0
686 Well, here I am in AMERICA.. I LIKE it. I HATE it.
687 I LIKE it. I HATE it. I LIKE it. I HATE it. I LIKE it.
688 I HATE it. I LIKE.. EMOTIONS are SWEEPING over me!!
\0
689 Were these parsnips CORRECTLY MARINATED in TACO SAUCE?
\0
690 What GOOD is a CARDBOARD suitcase ANYWAY?
\0
691 What I need is a MATURE RELATIONSHIP with a FLOPPY DISK...
\0
692 What I want to find out is -- do parrots know much about Astro-Turf?
\0
693 What PROGRAM are they watching?
\0
694 What UNIVERSE is this, please??
\0
695 What a COINCIDENCE! I'm an authorized ``SNOOTS OF THE STARS'' dealer!!
\0
696 What's the MATTER Sid?.. Is your BEVERAGE unsatisfactory?
\0
697 When I met th'POPE back in '58, I scrubbed him with a MILD SOAP
698 or DETERGENT for 15 minutes. He seemed to enjoy it..
\0
699 When this load is DONE I think I'll wash it AGAIN..
\0
700 When you get your PH.D. will you get able to work at BURGER KING?
\0
701 When you said ``HEAVILY FORESTED'' it reminded me of an overdue
702 CLEANING BILL.. Don't you SEE? O'Grogan SWALLOWED a VALUABLE
703 COIN COLLECTION and HAD to murder the ONLY MAN who KNEW!!
\0
704 Where do your SOCKS go when you lose them in th' WASHER?
\0
705 Where does it go when you flush?
\0
706 Where's SANDY DUNCAN?
\0
707 Where's th' DAFFY DUCK EXHIBIT??
\0
708 Where's the Coke machine? Tell me a joke!!
\0
709 While my BRAINPAN is being refused service in BURGER KING,
710 Jesuit priests are DATING CAREER DIPLOMATS!!
\0
711 While you're chewing, think of STEVEN SPIELBERG'S
712 bank account.. This will have the same effect as
713 two ``STARCH BLOCKERS''!
\0
714 Why are these athletic shoe salesmen following me??
\0
715 Why don't you ever enter and CONTESTS, Marvin??
716 Don't you know your own ZIPCODE?
\0
717 Why is everything made of Lycra Spandex?
\0
718 Why is it that when you DIE, you can't take your
719 HOME ENTERTAINMENT CENTER with you??
\0
720 Will it improve my CASH FLOW?
\0
721 Will the third world war keep ``Bosom Buddies'' off the air?
\0
722 Will this never-ending series of PLEASURABLE EVENTS never cease?
\0
723 With YOU, I can be MYSELF.. We don't NEED Dan Rather..
\0
724 World War Three can be averted by adherence to a strictly enforced
726 Wow! Look!! A stray meatball!! Let's interview it!
\0
727 Xerox your lunch and file it under ``sex offenders!''
\0
728 YOU PICKED KARL MALDEN'S NOSE!!
\0
729 YOU!! Give me the CUTEST, PINKEST, most charming little
730 VICTORIAN DOLLHOUSE you can find!! An make it SNAPPY!!
\0
731 YOW!! Everybody out of the GENETIC POOL!
\0
732 YOW!! I'm in a very clever and adorable INSANE ASYLUM!!
\0
733 YOW!! Now I understand advanced MICROBIOLOGY
734 and th' new TAX REFORM laws!!
\0
735 YOW!! The land of the rising SONY!!
\0
736 YOW!! Up ahead! It's a DONUT HUT!!
\0
737 YOW!! What should the entire human race DO?? Consume a fifth
738 of CHIVAS REGAL, ski NUDE down MT. EVEREST, and have a wild
740 YOW!!! I am having fun!!!
\0
741 Yes, but will I see the EASTER BUNNY in skintight leather
742 at an IRON MAIDEN concert?
\0
743 You can't hurt me!! I have an ASSUMABLE MORTGAGE!!
\0
744 You mean now I can SHOOT YOU in the back and further BLUR
745 th' distinction between FANTASY and REALITY?
\0
746 You mean you don't want to watch WRESTLING from ATLANTA?
\0
747 You should all JUMP UP AND DOWN for TWO HOURS while I decide
749 You were s'posed to laugh!
\0
750 Your CHEEKS sit like twin NECTARINES above a MOUTH that knows no BOUNDS --
\0
751 Youth of today! Join me in a mass rally for traditional mental attitudes!
\0
753 Yow! Am I having fun yet?
\0
754 Yow! Am I in Milwaukee?
\0
755 Yow! And then we could sit on the hoods of cars at stop lights!
\0
756 Yow! Are we laid back yet?
\0
757 Yow! Are we wet yet?
\0
758 Yow! Are you the self-frying president?
\0
759 Yow! Did something bad happen or am I in a drive-in movie??
\0
760 Yow! I just went below the poverty line!
\0
761 Yow! I threw up on my window!
\0
762 Yow! I want my nose in lights!
\0
763 Yow! I want to mail a bronzed artichoke to Nicaragua!
\0
764 Yow! I'm having a quadraphonic sensation of two winos
765 alone in a steel mill!
\0
766 Yow! I'm imagining a surfer van filled with soy sauce!
\0
767 Yow! Is my fallout shelter termite proof?
\0
768 Yow! Is this sexual intercourse yet?? Is it, huh, is it??
\0
769 Yow! It's a hole all the way to downtown Burbank!
\0
770 Yow! It's some people inside the wall! This is better than mopping!
\0
771 Yow! Maybe I should have asked for my Neutron Bomb in PAISLEY--
\0
772 Yow! Now I get to think about all the BAD THINGS I did to a BOWLING BALL
773 when I was in JUNIOR HIGH SCHOOL!
\0
774 Yow! Now we can become alcoholics!
\0
775 Yow! Those people look exactly like Donnie and Marie Osmond!!
\0
776 Yow! We're going to a new disco!
\0
777 Zippy's brain cells are straining to bridge synapses...
\0