1 %% $FreeBSD: head/usr.bin/fortune/datfiles/limerick 221908 2011-05-14 19:03:45Z uqs $
3 A bad little girl in Madrid,
4 A most reprehensible kid,
6 That her cunt smelled like cheese,
7 And the worst of it was that it did!
9 A bather whose clothing was strewed
10 By breezes that left her quite nude,
12 And, unless I'm quite wrong,
13 You expected this line to be lewd.
15 A beat schizophrenic said, "Me?
16 I am not I, I'm a tree."
17 But another, more sane,
18 Shouted, "I'm a Great Dane!"
19 And covered his pants leg with pee.
21 A beautiful belle of Del Norte
22 Is reckoned disdainful and haughty
23 Because during the day
24 She says: "Boys, keep away!"
25 But she fucks in the gloaming like forty.
27 A beautiful lady named Psyche
28 Is loved by a fellow named Ikey.
31 Is his prick, which is dreadfully spikey.
33 A beetling young woman named Pridgets
34 Had a violent abhorrence of midgets;
35 Off the end of a wharf
36 She once pushed a dwarf
37 Whose truncation reduced her to fidgets.
40 A big-bosomed Bunny named Gression
41 Sold cigars at a key-club concession.
42 When she swiveled about
43 Even strong men cried out,
44 For her costume did not keep her flesh in.
46 A bobby of Nottingham Junction
47 Whose organ had long ceased to function
48 Deceived his good wife
49 For the rest of her life
50 With the aid of his constable's truncheon.
52 A broken-down harlot named Tupps
53 Was heard to confess in her cups:
54 "The height of my folly
55 Was fucking a collie --
56 But I got a nice price for the pups."
58 A burlesque dancer, a pip
59 Named Virginia, could peel in a zip;
60 But she read science fiction
61 And died of constriction
62 Attempting a Moebius strip.
63 -- Cyril Kornbluth, "The Unfortunate Topology"
65 A busy young lady named Gloria
66 Was had by Sir Gerald du Maurier
69 And the band at the Waldorf-Astoria.
71 A cabin boy on an old clipper
72 Grew steadily flipper and flipper.
74 With fragments of glass
75 And thus circumcised his old skipper.
77 A cautious young fellow named Lodge,
78 Had seatbelts installed in his Dodge.
79 With his date all strapped in
81 Without even leaving the garage.
82 -- "A Boy and His Dog"
84 A cautious young fellow named Tunney
85 Had a whang that was worth any money.
86 When eased in half-way,
87 The girl's sigh made him say,
88 "Why the sigh?" "For the rest of it, honey."
90 A certain young man, it was noted,
91 Went about in the heat thickly-coated;
92 He said, "You may scoff,
93 But I shan't take it off;
94 Underneath I am horribly bloated."
97 A certain young person of Ghent,
98 Uncertain if lady or gent,
99 Shows his organs at large
100 For a small handling charge
101 To assist him in paying the rent.
103 A certain young sheik of Algiers
104 Said to his harem, "My dears,
105 Though you may think it odd of me,
106 I'm tired of just sodomy
107 Let's try straight fucking." (loud cheers!)
109 A chap down in Oklahoma
110 Had a cock that could sing La Paloma,
111 But the sweetness of pitch
112 Couldn't put off the hitch
113 Of impotence, size and aroma.
115 A charmer from old Amarillo,
116 Sick of finding strange heads on her pillow,
118 That to keep men away
119 She would stuff up her crevice with Brillo.
121 A chippy who worked in Black Bluff
122 Had a pussy as large as a muff.
123 It had room for both hands
124 And some intimate glands,
125 And was soft as a little duck's fluff.
127 A clerical student named Pryne
128 Through pain sought to reach the divine:
129 He wore a hair shirt,
130 Quite often ate dirt,
131 And bathed every Friday in brine.
134 A clever young man named Eugene
135 Invented a jack-off machine.
136 On the twenty-third stroke
137 The fuckin' thing broke
138 And beat both his balls to a creame.
140 A cocksucking steno named Beeman
141 Remarked as she swallowed my semen:
142 "On my minuscule salary
143 I must watch every calorie,
144 So I get `ahead' eating you he-men!"
146 A computer called Illiac4
147 Had a rather tough bug in its core.
148 It chewed up its cards
149 And spewed yards and yards
150 Of illegible tape on the floor.
152 A contortionist hailing from Lynch
153 Used to rent out his tool by the inch.
154 A foot cost a quid --
156 Stretch it to three in a pinch.
158 A corpulent maiden named Kroll
159 Had a notion exceedingly droll:
160 At a masquerade ball,
161 Dressed in nothing at all,
162 She backed in as a Parker House roll.
164 A cowhand way out in Seattle
165 Had a dooflicker flat as a paddle.
166 He said, "No, I can't fuck
168 But golly! it just fits the cattle."
170 A crusader's wife slipped from the garrison
171 And had an affair with a Saracen.
172 She was not oversexed,
174 She just wanted to make a comparison.
176 A CS student named Lin
177 Had a prick the size of a pin
178 It was no good for girls
179 But just great for squirrels
180 Who squealed with delight with it in.
182 A cute little twerp from Samoa
183 Had a cock of one inch and no moa.
184 It was good for keyholes
185 And debutantes' peeholes
186 But not worth a damn on a whoa.
188 A daredevil skater named Lowe,
189 Leaps barrels arranged in the snow,
190 But is proudest of doing,
191 Some incredible screwing,
192 Since he's jumped thirteen girls in a row!
194 A deep-throated virgin named Netty
195 Was sucking a cock on the jetty.
196 She said, "It tastes nice,
197 Much better than rice,
198 Though not quite as good as spaghetti."
200 A delighted, incredulous bride
201 Remarked to her groom at her side:
204 Our anatomies would coincide."
206 A dentist, young doctor Malone,
207 Got a charming girl patient alone,
208 And, in his depravity,
209 Filled the wrong cavity.
210 God, how his practice has grown.
212 A despairing old landlord named Fyfe,
213 With a frigid and quarrelsome wife,
214 Let his third-story front,
215 To a willing young cunt,
216 Who supplied him a new lease on life!
218 A desperate spinster from Clare
219 Once knelt in the moonlight all bare,
220 And prayed to her God
221 For a romp on the sod--
222 'Twas a passerby answered her prayer.
224 A distinguished professor from Swarthmore
225 Got along with a sexy young sophomore.
227 He stripped off his pants,
228 But he found that the sophomore'd got off more.
230 A doctoral student from Buckingham
231 Wrote his thesis on cunts and on fucking'em.
232 But a dropout from paree
233 Taught him Gamahuchee
234 - so he added a footnote on sucking 'em.
236 A do-it-yourselfer named Alice,
237 Used a dynamite stick for a phallus.
240 And her tits landed somewhere in Dallas.
242 A cute friend of hers, Fanny Hill,
243 Used two dynamite sticks for a dil.
244 They found her vagina,
246 And part of her ass in Brazil.
248 A dolly in Dallas named Alice,
249 Whose overworked sex is all callous,
250 Wore the foreskin away
251 On uncircumcised Ray,
252 Through exuberance, tightness, and malice.
254 A dreary young bank clerk named Fennis
255 Wished to foster an aura of menace.
256 To make people afraid
257 He wore gloves of grey suede
258 And white footgear intended for tennis.
259 -- Edward Gorey, "Amphigorey"
261 A dulcet-voiced callgirl named Shedd,
262 Who's cultured, well-spoken, well-bred,
263 Had achieved some renown
264 For her tone going down--
265 There's a nice civil tongue in her head.
267 A fair-haired young damsel named Grace
268 Thought it very, very foolish to place
269 Her hand on your cock
270 When it turned hard as rock,
271 For fear it would explode in your face.
273 A farmer I know named O'Doole
274 Had a long and incredible tool.
275 He can use it to plow,
277 Or just as a cue-stick at pool.
279 A fellatrix's healthful condition
280 Proved the value of spunk as nutrition.
282 (I suggest that you try it)
283 Was only her clients' emission.
285 A fellow whose surname was Hunt
286 Trained his cock to perform a slick stunt:
288 Could be turned inside out,
289 Like a glove, and be used as a cunt.
291 A fisherman off of Cape Cod
292 Said, "I'll bugger that tuna, by God!"
293 But the high-minded fish
295 And nimbly swam off with his rod.
297 A foolish geologist from Kissen
298 Just didn't know what he was missin',
300 And neglecting his cock,
301 And using it merely for pissin'.
303 A Frenchman who lived in Alsace
304 Had sex with a virgin named Grace.
305 When he popped her cherry,
306 She made things hairy
307 By bleeding all over his face.
309 A frustrated lady named Alice
310 Used a dynamite stick for a phallus.
311 They found her vagina
313 And bits of her tits were in Dallas.
315 A gay young prince from Morocco
316 Made love in a manner rococo.
319 And flavored his semen with cocoa.
321 A geneticist living in Delft
322 Scientifically played with himself,
325 And filed him away on a shelf.
327 A gentleman, otherwise meek,
328 Detested with passion the leek;
330 He dealt such a clout
331 To the maid, she was down for a week.
334 A german composer named Bruckner
335 Remarked to a lady while fuckener:
336 "Less lento, my dear,
337 With your cute little rear;
338 I like a hot presto when muckener!"
340 A gift was delivered to Laura
341 From a cousin who lived in Gomorrah;
342 Wrapped in tissue and crepe,
343 It was peeled, like a grape,
344 And emitted a pale, greenish aura.
347 A gifted young fellow from Sparta
348 Was widely renowned as a farta'.
349 He could fart anything
350 From "Of Thee I Sing,"
351 To Beethoven's "Moonlight Sonata."
353 A girl camper once had an affair
354 With a fellow all covered with hair.
355 When she gave him his hat
357 She'd been had by Smokey the Bear.
359 A girl of the Enterprise crew
360 Refused every offer to screw.
361 But a Vulcan named Spock
362 Crawled under her smock,
363 And now she is eating for two.
365 A girl of uncertain nativity
366 Had an ass of extreme sensitivity
367 While she sat on the lap
369 She could sense Fifth Column activity.
371 A graduate student named Zac
372 Was said to be great in the sack.
375 And two gave them epileptic attacks.
377 A greedy young lady from Sidney
378 Liked it in up to her kidney,
379 Till a man from Quebec
380 Shoved it up to her neck--
381 He really diddled her, didn' he?
383 A green-thumbed young farmer from Leeds
384 Once swallowed a package of seeds.
386 Was covered with grass
387 And his balls were grown over with weeds.
389 A guest in a household quite charmless
390 Was informed its eccentric was harmless:
391 "If you're caught unawares
392 At the head of the stairs,
393 Just remember, he's eyeless and armless."
396 A habit depraved and unsavory
397 Held the bishop of Bingham in slavery
398 Midst screeches and howls
399 He deflowered young owls
400 Which he kept in an underground aviary
402 A habit obscene and bizarre,
403 Has taken a-hold of papa.
404 He brings home young camels
405 And other odd mammals,
406 And gives them a go at mama.
408 A habit obscene and unsavory,
409 Holds a CS professor in slavery.
411 He deflowers young owls,
412 That he keeps in an underground aviary.
414 A hacker who screwed a mag tape
415 Was caught and convicted of rape.
417 From which, to his woe
418 He couldn't get out with ESC.
420 A hacker-turned-pervert named Fisk
421 Made love to the drive of his disk.
422 The thing circumsized him,
423 Which rather surprised him.
424 He wasn't aware of *that* risk.
426 A handsome young rodent named Gratian
427 As a lifeguard became a sensation.
428 All the lady mice waved
429 And screamed to be saved
430 By his mouse-to-mouse resuscitation.
432 A happy old hooker named Grace
433 Once sponsored a cunt-lapping race.
434 It was hard for beginners
435 To tell who were winners:
436 There were cunt hairs all over the place.
438 A hardware debugger named Court
439 Shoved his tool in an Ethernet port.
442 So the port's driver cut it off short.
444 A haughty young wench of Del Norte
445 Would fuck only men over forty.
446 Said she, "It's too quick
447 With a young fellow's prick;
448 I like it to last, and be warty."
450 A headstrong young woman in Ealing
451 Threw her two weeks' old child at the ceiling;
452 When quizzed why she did,
453 She replied, "To be rid
454 Of a strange, overpowering feeling."
457 A hearty young fellow named Yost
458 Once had an affair with a ghost.
459 At the height of the spasm
461 Cried, "Goodie, I feel it... almost."
463 A hidebound young virgin named Carrie
464 Would say, when the fellows got hairy:
465 "Keep your prick in your pants
466 Till the end of this dance--"
467 Which is why Carrie still has her cherry.
469 A highly aesthetic young Jew
470 Had eyes of a heavenly blue;
471 The end of his dillie
472 Was shaped like a lilly,
473 And his balls were too utterly two!
475 A highway patrol buff named Claire,
476 Once screwed half a troop on a dare,
477 And her parts grew so hot,
478 There was steam on her twat,
479 So they nicknamed her Smokey the Bare!
481 A horny young fellow named Reg,
482 Was jerking off under a hedge.
483 The gardener drew near
484 With a huge pruning shear,
485 And trimmed off the edge of his wedge.
487 A huge-organed female in Dallas,
488 Named Alice, who yearned for a phallus,
491 No phallus in Dallas fit Alice.
493 A joker who haunts Monticello
494 Is really a terrible fellow.
495 In the midst of caresses
496 He fills ladies dresses
497 With garter snakes, ice cubes, and jello.
499 A lacklustre lady of Brougham
500 Weaveth all night at her loom.
502 When her lord and his wench
503 Pull a chain in the neighbouring room.
505 A lad, at his first copulation,
506 Cried, "What a sensation! Inflation,
508 Throughout the duration,
509 I guess I'll give up masturbation."
511 A lad from far-off Transvaal
512 Was lustful, but tactful withal.
513 He'd say, just for luck,
514 "Mam'selle, do you fuck?"
515 But he'd bow till he almost would crawl.
517 A lad of the brainier kind
518 Had erogenous zones in his mind.
519 He got his sensations,
520 By solving equations,
521 (Of course, in the end, he went blind.)
523 A lady born under a curse
524 Used to drive forth each day in a hearse;
525 From the back she would wail
526 Through a thickness of veil:
527 "Things do not get better, but worse."
530 A lady both callous and brash
531 Met a man with a vast black moustache;
532 She cried, "Shave it, O do!
533 And I'll put it with glue
534 On my hat as a sort of panache."
537 A lady from Kalamazoo
538 Once found she had nothing to do,
539 So she sat on the stairs
540 And she counted her hairs:
543 A lady from Old Little Rock
544 In fidelity took little stock,
546 In the streets of Japan
547 For a boy with a prehensile cock.
549 A lady removing her scanties,
550 Heard them crackle electrical chanties.
551 Said her beau, "Have no fear,
552 For the reason is clear:
553 You simply have amps in your panties.
555 A lady stockholder quite hetera
556 Decided her fortune to bettera:
557 On the floor, quite unclad,
559 Merrill Lynch, Pierce, Fenner, et cetera...
561 A lady was seized with intent
562 To revise her existence misspent.
563 So she climbed up the dome
564 Of St. Peter's in Rome,
565 Where she stayed through the following Lent.
568 A lady, while dining in Crewe,
569 Found an elephant's whang in her stew.
570 Said the waiter, "Don't shout
572 Or the others will ask for one, too."
574 A lady who signs herself "Vexed"
575 Writes to say she believes she's been hexed:
576 "I don't mind my shins
577 Being stuck full of pins,
578 But I fear I am coming unsexed."
581 A lady with features cherubic
582 Was famed for her area pubic.
583 When they asked her its size
584 She replied in surprise,
585 "Are you speaking of square feet, or cubic?"
587 A lass at the foot of her class
588 Asked a brainier chick how to pass.
589 She replied, "With no fuss
590 You can get a B-plus,
591 By letting the prof pat your ass."
593 A lecherous barkeep named Dale,
594 After fucking his favorite female,
595 Mixed Drambuie and scotch
596 With the cream in her crotch
597 For a lustier, Rusty-er Nail.
599 A licentious old justice of Salem
600 Used to catch all the harlots and jail 'em.
601 But instead of a fine
602 He would stand them in line,
603 With his common-law tool to impale 'em.
605 A linguist thought it a farce
606 That memory space was so sparse.
607 One day they increased it.
608 Said he as he seized it:
609 "At last! Enough core for the parse".
611 A lonely young lad of Eton
612 Used always to sleep with the heat on,
613 Till he ran into a lass
614 Who showed him her ass --
615 Now they sleep with only a sheet on.
617 A lovely young diver named Nancy,
618 Wore a bikini bottom quite chancy,
620 Watched her Derriere,
621 And the sea fans all tickled her fancy.
623 A lovely young maid from St. Jude
624 Once rode through the streets in the nude.
625 The police cried, "Whatam--
627 And slapped it as hard as they could.
629 A lusty young maid from Seattle
630 Got pleasure by sleeping with cattle;
631 Till she found a bull
632 Who filled her so full
633 It made both her ovaries rattle.
635 A lusty young woodsman of Maine
636 For years with no woman had lain,
637 But he found sublimation
639 In the crotch of a pine -- God, the pain!
641 A madam who ran a bordello
642 Put come in her pineapple jello,
643 For the rich, sexy taste
644 And not wanting to waste
645 That greasy kid stuff from a fellow.
647 A maestro directing in Rome
648 Had a quaint way of driving it home.
650 Had to keep her tail timed
651 To the beat of his old metronome.
653 A maiden who lived in Virginny
654 Had a cunt that could bark, neigh and whinny.
655 The horsey set rushed her,
656 But success finally crushed her
657 For her tone soon became harsh and tinny.
659 A maiden who travelled in France
660 Once got on a train, just by chance.
661 The engineer fucked her,
662 The conductor sucked her,
663 And the fireman came in his pants.
665 A maiden who wrote of big cities
666 Some songs full of love, fun and pities,
667 Sold her stuff at the shop
669 Who played with her soft little titties.
671 A man was once heard to boast,
672 That he received a parcel by post,
673 It contained, so we heard,
675 And the balls of his grandfather's ghost.
677 A marine being sent to Hong Kong
678 Got a doctor to alter his dong.
679 He sailed off with a tool
680 Flat and thin as a rule -
681 When he got there he found he was wrong.
683 A mathematician named Hall
684 Had a hexahedronical ball,
685 And the square of its weight
686 Times his pecker's, plus eight,
687 Was four-fifths of five-eighths of fuck-all.
689 A mathematician named Hall
690 Has a hexahedronical ball,
691 And the cube of its weight
692 Times his pecker's, plus eight
693 Is his phone number -- give him a call...
695 A mathematician named Klein
696 Thought the Moebius band was divine.
697 Said he, "If you glue
699 You'll get a weird bottle like mine!
701 A middle-aged codger named Bruin
702 Found his love life completely in ruin,
703 For he flirted with flirts
704 Wearing pants and no skirts,
705 And he never got in for no screwin'.
707 A milkmaid there was, with a stutter,
708 Who was lonely and wanted a futter.
709 She had nowhere to turn,
710 So she diddled a churn,
711 And managed to come with the butter.
713 A mortician who practised in Fife
714 Made love to the corpse of his wife.
715 "How could I know, Judge?
716 She was cold, did not budge--
717 Just the same as she'd acted in life."
719 A nasty old drunk in Carmel
720 Thinks it funny to piss in the well.
721 He says, "Some don't favor
723 But I don't drink the stuff -- what the hell!"
725 A nervous young fellow named Fred
726 Took a charming young widow to bed.
727 When he'd diddled a while
728 She remarked with a smile,
729 "You've got it all in but the head."
731 A new dramatist of the absurd
732 Has a voice that will shortly be heard.
733 I learn from my spies
735 An unprintable three-letter word.
737 A newlywed couple from Goshen
738 Spent their honeymoon sailing the ocean.
740 They got laid eighty ways --
741 Imagine such fucking devotion!
743 A newly-wed man of Peru
744 Found himself in a terrible stew:
746 Much deader than dead,
747 And so he had no one to screw.
749 A notorious whore named Ms. Hearst,
750 In the pleasures of men was well-versed.
751 Reads the sign o'er the head
752 Of her well-rumpled bed
753 "The customer always comes first."
755 A novice was told by the Abbot:
756 "Consider the goat and the rabbit.
757 While they roll in the hay
758 You just stay home and pray.
759 You've got to get out of that habit."
761 A nudist resort at Benares
762 Took a midget in all unawares.
763 But he made members weep
764 For he just couldn't keep
765 His nose out of private affairs.
767 A nurse motivated by spite
768 Tied her infantine charge to a kite;
769 She launched it with ease
770 On the afternoon breeze,
771 And watched till it flew out of sight.
774 A passionate red-haired girl
775 When you kissed her, her senses would whirl,
776 And her twat would get wet,
777 And would wiggle and fret,
778 And her cunt-lips would curl and unfurl.
780 A pathetic old maid of Bordeaux
781 Fell in love with a dashing young beau.
783 She would squat in his yard
784 And longingly pee in the sneaux.
786 A physical fellow named Fisk
787 Could screw at a rate very brisk.
788 So fast was his action
789 The Fitzgerald contraction
790 Would shrink up his rod to a disk.
792 A pious old woman named Tweak
793 Had taught her vagina to speak.
794 It was frequently liable
795 To quote from the Bible,
796 But when fucking -- not even a squeak!
798 A pious young lady named Finnegan
799 Would caution her friend, "Well, you're in again;
801 Make it last through the night,
802 For I certainly don't want to sin again!"
804 A pious young lady of Chichester
805 Made all of the saints in their niches stir
806 And each morning at matin
807 Her breast in pink satin
808 Made the bishop of Chichester's breeches stir.
810 A playful young chemist named Byrd
811 Had an urge that could not be deferred.
814 And plastered the walls with his turd.
816 A plumber whose name was John Brink
817 Plumbed the cook as she bent o'er the sink.
818 Her resistance was stout,
819 And John Brink petered out,
820 With his pipe-wrench all limber and pink.
822 A pretty wife living in Tours
823 Demanded her daily amour.
824 But the husband said, "No!
825 It's to much. Let it go!
826 My backsides are dragging the floor."
828 A pretty young boy known as Kevin
829 Was raped in a pasture by seven
831 (Oh, those Anglican priests)
832 And such is the Kingdom of Heaven.
834 A pretty young lady named Vogel
835 Once sat herself down on a molehill.
837 Nosed into her hole --
838 Ms. Vogel's okay, but the mole's ill.
840 A pretty young maiden from France
841 Decided she'd "just take a chance."
844 And now all her sisters are aunts.
846 A princess who lived near a bog
847 Met a prince in the form of a frog.
848 Now she and her prince
849 Are the parents of quints,
850 Four boys and one fine polliwog.
852 A princess who reigned in Baroda
853 Made her home on a purple pagoda.
854 She festooned the walls
855 Of her halls with the balls
856 And the tools of the fools who be-stroda'.
858 A programmer down in Moline
859 Said, I'm the match for any machine.
860 My secret's aversion,
861 To loops and recursion,
862 Just acres of in-line routine.
865 A progressive professor named Winners
866 Held classes each evening for sinners.
867 They were graded and spaced
868 So the vile and debased
869 Would not be held back by beginners.
871 A rapist who reeked of cheap booze
872 Attempted to ravish Miss Hughes.
873 She cried, "I suppose
874 There's no time for my clothes,
875 But PLEASE let me take off my shoes!"
877 A rapturous young fellatrix
878 One day was at work on five pricks.
880 She whipped out her glass eye:
881 "Tell the boys I can now take on six."
883 A reckless young lady of France
884 Had no qualms about taking a chance,
885 But she thought it was crude
886 To get screwed in the nude,
887 So she always went home with damp pants.
889 A remarkable race are the Persians,
890 They have such peculiar diversions.
891 They screw the whole day
893 And save up the nights for perversions.
895 A responsive young girl from the East
896 In bed was an able artiste.
897 She had learned two positions
898 From family physicians,
899 And ten more from the old parish priest.
901 A romantic attraction has clung
902 To a chap of whom damsels have sung:
903 "'Tis the Scourge from the East,
904 That lascivious beast
905 Who was known as Attila the Hung!"
907 A sailor who slept in the sun,
908 Woke to find his fly buttons undone,
909 He remarked with a smile,
910 "Good grief, a sun-dial!
911 And now it's a quarter-past one."
913 A savvy young hooker named Gail
914 Got busted and lodged in the jail.
915 But the jailer got hot,
916 To be lodged in her twat,
917 And so Gail made the bail with her tail.
919 A scandal involving an oyster
920 Sent the Countess of Clews to a cloister
921 She preferred it, in bed,
922 To the count (so she said)
923 'Cause it's longer and stronger and moister.
925 A scream from the crypt of St. Giles
926 Resounded for miles upon miles.
927 Said the friar, "Good gracious,
928 The brother Ignatious
929 Forgeteth the abbot hath piles."
931 A seafaring hacker named Slatey
932 Went to bed with a VAX/780.
933 The thing's learned to swear
935 And refers to its users as "matey".
937 A sex-loving coed named Bree
938 Caught the clap from her Apple IIE.
939 The joystick, she found,
940 Had been fooling around
941 With a neighboring student's PC.
943 A silly young man from Hong Kong
944 Had hands that were skinny and long.
945 He ate rice with his fingers--
946 The taste of it lingers,
947 But now all his fingers are gone.
949 A slick talking pirate named Bruce
950 To steal code, had a plan to seduce
952 Now Bruce wears a truss
953 And was jailed for computer abuse.
955 A software technician from Digital
956 Had hardware extremely prodigical.
957 It's rumoured, I hear,
958 That when he was near
959 He made the ladies all flustered and fidgital.
961 A space shuttle pilot named Ventry,
962 Made love to a lovely girl sentry.
965 But the mission was saved by re-entry.
967 A sperm faced, alack and forsooth,
968 His moment of sexual truth.
969 He'd expected to fall
970 On a womb's spongy wall
971 But was dashed to his death on a tooth.
973 A spinster in Kalamazoo
974 Once strolled after dark by the zoo.
975 She was seized by the nape,
976 And fucked by an ape,
977 And she murmured, "A wonderful screw."
979 And she added, "You're rough, yes, and hairy,
980 But I hope -- yes I do -- that I marry
982 Half as stiff and as thick
983 As the kind that you zoo-keepers carry."
985 A spunky young schoolboy named Fred
986 Used to toss off each night while in bed.
987 Said his mother, "Dear lad,
988 That's exceedingly bad--
989 Jump in here with your mama instead."
991 A starship commander named Kirk
992 Emerged from his cabin berserk.
993 He grabbed a girl yeoman
995 And gave her a physical jerk.
997 A stout Gaelic warrior, McPherson,
998 Was having a captive, a person
1000 Though she had the curse,
1001 And he'd breeches of bristling furs on.
1003 A structured programmer named Drew
1004 Was intensely turned on by "goto".
1005 When he saw it in code
1006 He'd shoot off his load.
1007 It's a good thing his shop used so few.
1009 A studious professor named Nestor
1010 Bet a whore all his books that he could best her.
1011 But she drained out his balls
1012 And skipped up the walls,
1013 Beseeching poor Nestor to rest her.
1015 A sweetheart named Teresa Arden
1016 Went down on her beau in the garden.
1017 He said, "Good lord, Tess,
1018 Don't swallow that mess!"
1019 And she replied, "Ulp, beg your pardon?"
1021 A systems programmer named Sprotic
1022 Found his software intensely erotic.
1025 It's possible that he's psychotic.
1027 A talented fuckstress, Miss Chisholm,
1028 Was renowned for her fine paroxysm.
1029 While the man detumesced
1030 She still spent on with zest,
1031 Her rapture sheer anachronism.
1033 A team playing baseball in Dallas
1034 Called the umpire blind out of malice.
1035 While this worthy had fits
1036 The team made eight hits
1037 And a girl in the bleachers named Alice.
1039 A teenage protester named Lil
1040 Cried, "Those Watergate spies make me ill
1041 First they bugged our martinis,
1042 Our bras and bikinis,
1043 And now they are bugging the pill."
1045 A thrice-married gal from L.A.
1046 Said, "My hymen's intact to this day,
1047 'Cause my first (a shrink) talked of it,
1048 The voyeur only gawked at it,
1049 And my most recent man's a gourmet."
1051 A tidy young lady of Streator
1052 Dearly loved to nibble a peter.
1053 She always would say,
1054 "I prefer it this way.
1055 I think it is very much neater."
1057 A timid young woman named Jane
1058 Found parties a terrible strain;
1059 With movements uncertain
1060 She'd hide in a curtain
1061 And make sounds like a rabbit in pain.
1064 A tired young trollop of Nome
1065 Was worn out from her toes to her dome.
1066 Eight miners came screwing,
1067 But she said, "Nothing doing;
1068 One of you has to go home!"
1070 A trapper named Francois Lefebrve
1071 Once captured and buggered a beabrve.
1072 The result of this fuck
1073 Was a three titted duck,
1074 A canoe, and an Irish retriebrve.
1076 A tutor who tooted a flute
1077 Tried to tutor two tutors to toot
1078 Said the two to the tutor:
1079 "Is it harder to toot or
1080 To tutor two tutors to toot"
1082 A vengeful technician named Schmitz
1083 Caused a disk drive to go on the fritz.
1084 He covered the platter
1085 With bats' fecal matter.
1086 Now it's seek time is really the pits.
1088 A very intelligent turtle
1089 Found programming UNIX a hurdle
1090 The system, you see,
1091 Ran as slow as did he,
1092 And that's not saying much for the turtle.
1094 A very odd pair are the Pitts:
1095 His balls are as large as her tits,
1096 Her tits are as large
1097 As an invasion barge--
1098 Neither knows how the other cohabits.
1100 A wanton young lady from Wimley
1101 Reproached for not acting quite primly
1102 Said, "Heavens above!
1103 I know sex isn't love,
1104 But it's such an entrancing facsimile."
1106 A water pipe suited Miss Hunt;
1107 She used it for many a bunt.
1108 But the unlucky wench
1109 Got it caught in her trench ---
1110 It took twenty-two men and a big Stillson wrench,
1111 To get the thing out of her cunt.
1113 A weary old lecher named Blott
1114 Took a luscious young blond to his yacht.
1115 Too lazy to rape her,
1116 He made darts out of paper,
1117 Which he leisurely tossed at her twat.
1119 A whimsical fellow named Bloch
1120 Could beat the base drum with his cock.
1121 With a special erection
1122 He could play a selection
1123 From Johann Sebastian Bach.
1125 A wicked stone cutter named Cary
1126 Drilled holes in divine statuary.
1127 With eyes full of malice
1128 He pulled out his phallus,
1129 And buggered a stone Virgin Mary.
1131 A wide-bottomed girl named Trasket
1132 Had a hole as big as a basket.
1134 In it now, you could hide,
1135 And include with your luggage your mascot.
1137 A widow whose singular vice
1138 Was to keep her late husband on ice
1139 Said, "It's been hard since I lost him --
1140 I'll never defrost him!
1141 Cold comfort, but cheap at the price."
1143 A wonderful bird is the pelican.
1144 His mouth can hold more than his belican.
1145 He can take in his beak
1146 Enough food for a week.
1147 I'm darned if I know how the helican.
1149 A wonderful tribe are the Sweenies,
1150 Renowned for the length of their peenies.
1151 The hair on their balls
1152 Sweeps the floors of their halls,
1153 But they don't look at women, the meanies.
1155 A wood-fetish busboy named Gable
1156 Is rapid, is thorough, is able;
1157 But when everything's cleared,
1158 He gives way to the weird,
1159 As he lovingly busses each table.
1161 A worn-out young husband named Lehr
1162 Heard daily his wife's plaintive prayer:
1163 "Slip on a sheath, quick,
1164 Then slip your big dick
1165 Between these lips covered with hair."
1167 A worried young man from Stamboul
1168 Discovered red spots on his tool.
1169 Said the doctor, a cynic,
1170 "Get out of my clinic
1171 Just wipe off the lipstick, you fool."
1173 A young bride and groom of Australia
1174 Remarked as they joined genitalia:
1175 "Though the system seems odd,
1176 We are thankful that God
1177 Developed the genus Mammalia."
1179 A young fellow discovered through Freud
1180 That although of penis devoid,
1181 He could practice coitus
1183 And his parents were quite overjoyed.
1185 A young Juliet of St. Louis
1186 On a balcony stood acting screwy.
1188 But he wasn't well timed,
1189 And half-way up, off he went -- blooey!
1191 A young lad named Lester McGraw
1192 Caught a stranger on top of his Maw.
1193 As he watched him stick her
1194 He said, with a snicker,
1195 "You do it much faster than Paw."
1197 A young lady sat by the sea,
1198 Just as proper as proper could be.
1199 A young fellow goosed her,
1200 And roughly seduced her,
1201 So she thanked him and went home to tea.
1203 A young lady who lived by the Usk
1204 Subsisted each day on a rusk;
1205 She ate the first bite
1206 Before it was light,
1207 And the last crumb sometime after dusk.
1210 A young lass got married at Chester;
1211 Her mother she kissed and she blessed her.
1212 Said she, "You're in luck --
1213 'E's a stunning good fuck,
1214 For I've 'ad 'im meself down in Leicester."
1216 A young maiden from France was no prude,
1217 She decided to dive in the nude,
1218 But her buddy, behind,
1219 Went out of his mind,
1220 When he noticed where she was tattooed.
1222 A young man by a girl was desired
1223 To give her the thrills she required,
1224 But he died of old age
1225 Ere his cock could assuage
1226 The volcanic desire it inspired.
1228 A young man from the banks of the Po
1229 Found his cock had elongated so,
1232 But only his neighbors who'd know.
1234 A young man grew increasingly peaky
1235 In a house where the hinges were squeaky,
1236 The ferns curled up brown,
1237 The ceilings flaked down,
1238 And all of the faucets were leaky.
1241 A young man maintained that his trigger
1242 Was so big that there weren't any bigger.
1243 But this long and thick pud
1244 Was so heavy it could
1245 Scarcely lift up its head. It lacked vigor.
1247 A young man of acumen and daring,
1248 Who'd amassed a great fortune in herring,
1249 Was left quite alone
1250 When it soon became known
1251 That their use at his board was unsparing.
1254 A young man of Llanfairpwllgwyngyll
1255 While bent over plucking a dingle
1256 Had the whole of Eisteddfod
1257 Taking turns at his pod
1258 While they sang some impossible jingle.
1260 A young man with passions quite gingery
1261 Tore a hole in his sister's best lingerie.
1262 He slapped her behind
1263 And made up his mind
1264 To add incest to insult and injury.
1266 A young polo-player of Berkeley
1267 Made love to his sweetheart berserkly.
1268 In the midst of each chukker
1269 He would break off and fuck her
1270 Horizontally, laterally and verkeley.
1272 A young wife in the outskirts of Reims
1273 Preferred frigging to going to mass.
1274 Said her husband, "Take Jacques,
1276 For I cannot live up to your ass."
1278 A young woman got married at Chester,
1279 Her mother she kissed her and blessed her.
1280 Says she, "You're in luck,
1281 He's a stunning good fuck,
1282 For I've had him myself down in Leicester."
1284 According to experts, the oyster
1285 In its shell - a crustacean cloister -
1288 Or both, if it should be its choice ter.
1290 Alas for the Countess d'Isere,
1291 Whose muff wasn't furnished with hair.
1292 Said the Count, "Quelle surprise!"
1293 When he parted her thighs;
1294 "Magnifique! Pourtant pas de la guerre."
1296 All the female apes ran from King Kong
1297 For his dong was unspeakably long.
1298 But a friendly giraffe
1299 Quaffed his yard and a half,
1300 And ecstatically burst into song.
1302 An aesthete from South Carolina
1303 Had a cock that tickled like China,
1304 But while shooting his load
1305 It cracked like old Spode,
1306 So he's bought him a Steuben vagina.
1308 An agreeable girl named Miss Doves
1309 Likes to jack off the young men she loves.
1310 She will use her bare fist
1311 If the fellows insist
1312 But she really prefers to wear gloves.
1314 An AI researcher named Bluth
1315 Wrote, to find out the sexual truth,
1317 Which he taught certain tricks
1318 Which I'm sure can't be found in Knuth.
1320 An amazon giantess named Dunne
1321 Let a midget screw her for fun.
1322 But the poor little runt
1323 Was engulfed in her cunt
1324 And re-born as the twin of his son.
1326 An ambitious lady named Harriet
1327 Once dreamed she was raped in a chariot
1328 By seventeen sailors
1329 A monk and three tailors,
1330 Mohammed and Judas Iscariot.
1332 An anonymous woman we knew
1333 Was dozing one day in her pew;
1334 When the preacher yelled "Sin!"
1335 She said, "Count me in
1336 As soon as the service is through."
1338 An architect fellow named Yoric
1339 Could, when feeling euphoric,
1340 Display for selection
1341 Three kinds of erection-
1342 Corinthian, ionic, and doric.
1344 An ardent young man named Magruder
1345 Once wooed a girl nude in Bermuda.
1346 She thought it quite lewd
1347 To be wooed in the nude,
1348 But Magruder was shrewder, he screwed her.
1350 An Argentine gaucho named Bruno
1351 Who said, "Fucking is one thing I do know.
1353 And sheep are divine
1354 But llamas are numero uno."
1356 An ARPAnaut name of Corvette
1357 Had a fetish involving the net.
1358 As he fondled his IMP
1359 His cock went from limp
1360 To as hard as concrete which has set.
1362 An arrogant wench from Salt Lake
1363 Liked to tease all the boys on the make.
1364 She was finally the prize
1365 Of a man twice her size
1366 And all she recalls is the ache.
1368 An artist who lived in Australia
1369 Once painted his ass like a Dahlia.
1370 The drawing was fine,
1371 The colour - divine,
1372 The scent - ah, that was a failia.
1374 An eager young hacker named Gus
1375 Once buggered a VAX Unibus.
1376 The hardware went bad,
1377 But not the young lad
1378 (Except for the toupee and truss).
1380 An earnest young woman in Thrace
1381 Said, "Darling, that's not the right place!"
1382 So he gave her a thwack,
1383 And did on her back,
1384 What he couldn't have done face to face.
1386 An Edwardian father named Udgeon,
1387 Whose offspring provoked him to dudgeon,
1388 Used on Saturday nights
1389 To turn down the lights,
1390 And chase them around with a bludgeon.
1393 An envious girl named McMeanus
1394 Was jealous of her lover's big penis.
1395 It was small consolation
1396 That the rest of the nation
1397 Of women were with her in weeness.
1399 An exotic young lady named Suki
1400 Once danced in a troupe of kabuki
1401 When asked for a fuck
1402 She said, "Solly, no luck--
1403 See here: looky looky, no nuki "
1405 An impish young fellow named James
1406 Had a passion for idiot games.
1408 Of his lady's affair
1409 And laughed as she pissed through the flames.
1411 An impotent Scot named MacDougall
1412 Had to husband his sperm and be frugal.
1413 He was gathering semen
1415 By screwing his wife through a bugle.
1417 An incautious young woman named Venn
1418 Was seen with the wrong sort of men;
1419 She vanished one day,
1420 But the following May
1421 Her legs were retrieved from a fen.
1424 An indefatigable woman named Bavel
1425 Had often occasion to travel;
1426 On the way she would sit
1428 And on the way back she'd unravel.
1431 An ingenious young man in South Bend
1432 Made a synthetic ass for a friend,
1433 But the friend shortly found
1434 Its construction unsound,
1435 It was simply a bother -- no end.
1437 An innocent maiden named Herridge
1438 Was cruelly tricked into marriage;
1439 When she later found out
1440 What her spouse was about,
1441 She threw herself under a carriage.
1444 An inquisitive virgin named Dora
1445 Asked the man who started to bore 'er:
1446 "Do you mean birds and bees
1447 Go through antics like these,
1448 To supply us our fauna and flora?"
1450 An irate young lady named Booker
1451 Told her husband, "You beast, I'm no hooker!
1452 If you want it queer ways,
1453 Go to whores for your lays!"
1454 So he packed up his tool and forsook 'er.
1457 To his wife remained steadfastly true.
1458 This was not from compunction,
1459 But due to dysfunction
1460 Of his spermatic glands -- nuts to you.
1462 An old couple just at Shrovetide
1463 Were having a piece -- when he died.
1465 Sat tight on his peak,
1466 And bounced up and down as she cried.
1468 An old electronic designer
1469 Had designs on a minor named Dinah.
1470 He couldn't carry them out
1471 For his prick was too stout,
1472 And too small was the minor's vagina.
1474 An old gentleman's crotchets and quibblings
1475 Were a terrible trial to his siblings,
1476 But he was not removed
1477 Till one day it was proved
1478 That the bell-ropes were damp with his dribblings.
1481 An old maid who had a pet ape
1482 Lived in fear of perpetual rape.
1483 His red, hairy phallus
1484 So filled her with malice
1485 That she sealed up her snatch with Scotch tape.
1487 An old man at the Folies Bergere
1488 Had a jock, a most wondrous affair:
1489 It snipped off a twat-curl
1490 From each new chorus girl,
1491 And he had a wig made of the hair.
1493 An organist playing in York
1494 Had a prick that could hold a small fork,
1495 And between obbligatos
1496 He'd munch at tomatoes,
1497 To keep up his strength while at work.
1499 An orgasmic young sex star named Sue
1500 Was a hit as she writhed to a screw.
1501 Her climatic fame spread
1502 With an ad blitz that said:
1503 Coming soon at a theater near you!
1505 An uptight young lady named Breerley
1506 Who valued her morals too dearly
1508 Only once every year,
1509 And she strained her vagina severely.
1511 And then there's the story that's fraught
1512 With disaster -- of balls that got caught,
1513 When a chap took a crap
1514 In the woods, and a trap
1515 Underneath... Oh, I can't bear the thought!
1517 As for weirdness, the guy who's the tops
1518 Is a kinky old butcher named Pops.
1519 Since he thinks it's effete
1520 To be beating his meat,
1521 What he's into is licking his chops.
1523 As he came in his chubby choirboy,
1524 Father Burke said, "There's no greater joy!
1526 And possible heavens,
1527 Existence will merely annoy."
1529 As the breeches-buoy swing towards the rocks,
1530 Its occupant cried, "Save my socks!
1531 I could not bear the loss,
1532 For with scarlet silk floss
1533 My mama has embroidered their clocks."
1536 As tourists inspected the apse
1537 An ominous series of raps
1538 Came from under the altar,
1539 Which caused some to falter
1540 And others to shriek and collapse.
1543 Asked a supplicant priest of the pontiff,
1544 "Do I sin if I do what I want, if
1546 In the eastertide sun?"
1547 His holiness murmured, "Gut yontiff."
1549 At a contest for farting in Butte
1550 One lady's exertion was cute:
1553 And three judges were felled by the brute.
1555 At a dance, a girl from Connecticut
1556 Showed an absolute absence of etiquette
1557 Letting all comers press
1558 Through the skirt of her dress
1559 And wiping the mess with her petticoat.
1561 At the end of all civilization
1562 Is the planet Terminus's location.
1563 There's a girl there whose feat,
1564 Without stone or concrete,
1565 Nonetheless, was to lay the Foundation.
1567 At the moment Japan declared war
1568 A sailor was fucking a whore.
1569 He said, "After this poke
1570 `Long and hard' ain't no joke;
1571 This means months 'til I get back ashore."
1573 At the Villa Nemetia the sleepers
1574 Are disturbed by a phantom in weepers;
1575 It beats all night long
1577 As it staggers about in the creepers.
1580 At Vassar, sex isn't injurious,
1581 Though of love we are never penurious.
1582 Thanks to vulcanized aids,
1583 Though we may die old maids,
1584 At least we shall never die curious.
1586 At whist drives and strawberry teas
1587 Fan would giggle and show off her knees;
1588 But when she was alone
1589 She'd drink eau de cologne,
1590 And weep from a sense of unease.
1593 Augustus, for splashing his soup,
1594 Was put for the night on the stoop;
1595 In the morning he'd not
1597 And next day he was dead of the croup.
1600 Back in the days of old Adam
1601 The grass served as mattress for madam,
1602 And they spent the whole day
1603 On the sex that today
1604 They would bounce on box springs, if they had 'em.
1606 Each Friday his engines abort,
1607 But Scotty is never caught short.
1608 He fills his machines
1609 With space-navy beans,
1610 And farts the ship back into port.
1612 Each night Father fills me with dread
1613 When he sits on the foot of my bed;
1614 I'd not mind that he speaks
1615 In gibbers and squeaks,
1616 But for the seventeen years he's been dead.
1619 From deep in the crypt at St. Giles
1620 Came a bellow that echoed for miles.
1621 Said the rector, "My gracious,
1623 Forgotten the Bishop has piles!?"
1625 From Number Nine, Penwiper Mews,
1626 There is really abominable news;
1627 They've discovered a head
1628 In the box for the bread,
1629 But nobody seems to know whose.
1632 From the bathing machine came a din
1633 As of jollification within;
1634 It was heard far and wide,
1635 And the incoming tide
1636 Had a definite flavour of gin.
1639 "Fucked by the finger of Fate!"
1640 Bewailed a young fellow named Tate.
1641 "Since dating Miss Baugh,
1642 My whole tongue has been raw--
1643 It must have been something I ate."
1645 In the case of a lady named Frost,
1646 Whose cunt's a good two feet acrost,
1647 It's the best part of valor
1648 To bugger the gal, or
1649 You're apt to fall in and get lost.
1651 In the Garden of Eden lay Adam,
1652 Complacently stroking his madam,
1653 And loud was his mirth
1654 For on all of the earth
1655 There were only two balls -- and he had 'em.
1657 It always delights me at Hank's
1658 To walk up the old river banks.
1659 One time in the grass
1660 I stepped on an ass,
1661 And heard a young girl murmur, "Thanks."
1663 It had snowed, and the man in the drift,
1664 Flagged her down and asked, "Give me a lift?"
1665 They sat in her Bentley,
1666 She fondled him gently,
1667 And the lift that he'd asked for was swift!
1669 The late Brigham Young was no neuter --
1670 No faggot, no fairy, no fruiter.
1671 Where ten thousand virgins
1672 Succumbed to his urgin's
1673 There now stands the great State of Utah.
1675 The latest reports from Good Hope
1676 State that apes there have pricks thick as rope,
1677 And fuck high, wide, and free,
1678 From the top of one tree
1679 To the top of the next -- what a scope!
1681 The limerick, a verse form iniquitous,
1682 Has nonetheless been ubiquitous.
1683 Once Congress in session,
1684 Declared its suppression,
1685 But people got around that by writing the last line with no rhyme or meter.
1687 The limerick is furtive and mean;
1688 You must keep her in close quarantine,
1689 Or she sneaks to the slums
1690 And promptly becomes
1691 Disorderly, drunk, and obscene.
1694 The old archeologist, Throstle,
1695 Discovered a marvelous fossil.
1696 He knew from its bend
1697 And the knot on the end,
1698 T'was the penis of Paul the Apostle.
1700 There once was a bishop from Birmingham
1701 Who deflowered young girls while confirming 'em.
1702 As they knelt on the hassock
1703 He lifted his cassock
1704 And slipped his episcopal worm in 'em.
1706 There once was a boy named Carruthers
1707 Who was busily fucking his mother
1708 "I know it's a sin,"
1709 He said, shoving it in,
1710 "But it's better than blowing my brother."
1712 There once was a chick named Longet,
1713 Who went out to Aspen to play.
1714 Along came a Spyder,
1715 Who sat down beside her
1716 And she blew the poor bastard away.
1718 There once was a clergyman's daughter
1719 Who detested the pony he bought her,
1720 Till she found that its dong
1721 Was as hard and as long
1722 As the prayers her father had taught her.
1724 She married a fellow named Tony
1725 Who soon found her fucking the pony.
1726 Said he, "What's it got,
1727 My dear, that I've not?"
1728 Sighed she, "Just a yard-long bologna."
1730 There once was a couple named Kelley,
1731 Who lived their life belly to belly.
1732 Because in their haste
1733 They used library paste,
1734 Instead of petroleum jelly.
1736 There once was a dentist named Stone
1737 Who saw all his patients alone.
1738 In a fit of depravity
1739 He filled the wrong cavity,
1740 And my, how his practice has grown!
1742 There once was a Duchess of Beever
1743 Who slept with her golden retriever.
1744 Said the potted old Duke:
1745 "Such tricks make me puke!
1746 Were it not for her money, I'd leave her."
1748 There once was a Duchess of Bruges
1749 Whose cunt was incredibly huge.
1750 Said the king to this dame
1751 As he thunderously came:
1752 "Mon Dieu! Apres moi, le deluge!"
1754 There once was a fag of Khartoum
1755 Who spent the night in a Lesbian's room.
1756 They argued all night,
1757 Over who had the right,
1758 To do what, and with which, and to whom.
1760 There once was a fairy named Avers
1761 Who encircled his cock with lifesavers.
1762 Though buggers all claimed
1763 That their asses were maimed,
1764 Sixty-niners all cheered the new flavors.
1766 There once was a fellow named Bob
1767 Who in sexual ways was a snob.
1768 One day he was swimmin'
1769 With twelve naked women
1770 And deserted them all for a gob.
1772 There once was a fellow named Brewster
1773 Who said to his wife, as he goosed her,
1774 "It used to be grand
1776 You're not wiping as clean as ya uster."
1778 There once was a fellow named Howard,
1779 Whose tool it was nuclear-powered,
1780 While grabbing some ass,
1781 He reached critical mass,
1782 But think of the girl he deflowered!
1784 There once was a fellow named Potts
1785 Who was prone to having the trots
1786 But his humble abode
1787 Was without a commode
1788 So his carpet was covered with spots.
1790 There once was a fellow named Siegel
1791 Who attempted to bugger a beagle,
1792 But the mettlesome bitch
1793 Turned and said with a twitch,
1794 "It's fun, but you know it's illegal."
1796 There once was a fencer named Fisk,
1797 Whose speed was incredibly brisk.
1798 So fast was his action,
1799 The Fitzgerald contraction,
1800 Foreshortened his foil to a disk.
1802 There once was a fiesty young terrier
1803 Who liked to bite girls on the derriere.
1804 He'd yip and he'd yap,
1805 Then leap up and snap;
1806 And the fairer the derriere the merrier.
1808 There once was a floozie named Annie
1809 Whose prices were cosy--but cannie:
1811 Fifty cents for a suck,
1812 And a dime for a feel of her fanny.
1814 There once was a freshman named Lin,
1815 Whose tool was as thin as a pin,
1817 From a bible belt home,
1818 Said "This won't be much of a sin."
1820 There once was a gangster named Brown
1821 - the sneakiest bastard in town.
1822 He was caught by G-men
1824 Where the cops would slip and fall down.
1826 There once was a gaucho named Bruno,
1827 Who said, "About sex, well, I do know,
1828 Sheep are just fine,
1830 But iguanas are Numero Uno."
1832 There once was a gay young Parisian
1833 Who screwed an appendix incision,
1834 And the girl of his choice
1835 Could hardly rejoice
1836 At the horrible lack of precision.
1838 There once was a girl from Cornell
1839 Whose teats were shaped like a bell.
1840 When you touched them they shrunk,
1841 Except when she was drunk,
1842 And then they got bigger than hell.
1844 There once was a girl from Decatur,
1845 Who got laid by a big alligator.
1847 The result of that screw,
1848 'Cause after he laid her, he ate her.
1850 There once was a girl from Madras
1851 Who had such a beautiful ass -
1852 It was not round and pink
1853 (As you bastards think)
1854 But had two ears, a tail, and ate grass.
1856 There once was a girl from Spokane,
1857 Went to bed with a one-legged man.
1858 She said, "I know you--
1859 You've really got two!
1860 Why didn't you say so when we began?"
1862 There once was a girl named Irene
1863 Who lived on distilled kerosene
1864 But she started absorbin'
1866 And since then has never benzene.
1868 There once was a girl named Louise
1869 Who cunt hair hung down to her knees
1870 The crabs in her twat
1871 Tied the hairs in a knot
1872 And constructed a flying trapeze
1874 There once was a girl named Mcgoffin
1875 Who was diddled amazingly often.
1876 She was rogered by scores
1877 Who'd been turned down by whores,
1878 And was finally screwed in her coffin.
1880 There once was a girl named Priscilla
1881 Whose vagina was flavored vanilla.
1882 The taste was so fine
1883 Man and beast stood in line
1884 (Including a stud armadilla).
1886 There once was a girl so lovely,
1887 Who wanted to make love in the bubbly,
1888 She strapped on her tanks,
1889 And started her pranks,
1890 But the lobsters all thought she was ugly.
1892 There once was a golfer named Leer,
1893 Who got put in the clink for a year,
1894 For an action obscene,
1895 On the very first green.
1896 Where the sign said "Enter course here."
1898 There once was a gouty old colonel
1899 Who grew glum when the weather grew vernal,
1900 And he cried in his tiffin
1901 For his prick wouldn't stiffen,
1902 And the size of the thing was infernal.
1904 There once was a guardsman from Buckingham
1905 Who said, "As for girls, I hate fucking 'em.
1906 But when I meet boys,
1908 Just licking their peckers and sucking 'em."
1910 There once was a hacker named Ken
1911 Who inherited truckloads of Yen.
1912 So he built him some chicks,
1914 And hasn't been heard from since then.
1916 There once was a handsome young seaman
1917 Who with ladies was really a demon.
1920 He could certainly dish out the semen.
1922 There once was a horny old bitch
1923 With a motorized self-frigger which
1924 She would use with delight
1925 All day long and all night -
1926 Twenty bucks: Abercrombie & Fitch.
1928 There once was a horse named Lily
1929 Whose dingus was really a dilly.
1930 It was vaginoid duply,
1931 And labial quadruply --
1932 In fact, he was really a filly.
1934 There once was a husky young Viking
1935 Whose sexual prowess was striking.
1936 Every time he got hot
1937 He would scour the twat
1938 Of some girl that might be to his liking.
1940 There once was a jolly old bloke
1941 Who picked up a girl for a poke.
1942 He took down her pants,
1943 Fucked her into a trance,
1944 And then shit into her shoe for a joke.
1946 There once was a kiddie named Carr
1947 Caught a man on top of his mar.
1948 As he saw him stick 'er,
1949 He said with a snicker,
1950 "You do it much faster than par."
1952 There once was a lady from Kansas
1953 Whose cunt was as big as Bonanzas.
1954 It was nine inches deep
1955 And the sides were quite steep --
1956 It had whiskers like General Carranza's.
1958 There once was a lady named Carter,
1959 Fell in love with a virile young Tartar.
1960 She stripped off his pants,
1961 At his prick quickly glanced,
1962 And cried: "For that I'll be a martyr!"
1964 There once was a lady named Clair,
1965 Who possessed a magnificent pair.
1966 Or that's what I thought,
1967 Till I saw one get caught,
1968 On a thorn and begin losing air.
1970 There once was a lady named Myrtle
1971 Who had an affair with a turtle.
1972 She had crabs, so they say,
1974 Which proved that that turtle was fertile.
1976 There once was a lawyer named Rex
1977 With minuscule organs of sex.
1978 Arraigned for exposure,
1979 He maintained with composure,
1980 "De minimis non curat lex."
1982 [Trans: the law does not concern itself with small things. Ed.]
1984 There once was a lifeguard named Lee
1985 Who rescued a girl from the sea
1986 She asked how to pay,
1987 And he said "Try this way,
1988 Go down for the third time on me."
1990 There once was a maid from Mobile
1991 Whose cunt was made of blue steel.
1992 She only got thrills
1993 From pneumatic drills
1994 And an off-centered emery wheel.
1996 There once was a man from Bombay
1997 He would do it all night and all day
1999 You shoulda' heard him roar
2000 When his wife rubbed his balls with Ben-Gay!
2002 There once was a man from Calcutta
2003 Who used to beat off in the gutta
2006 And turned all his cream into butta!
2008 There once was a man from Dunoon,
2009 Who always ate soup with a fork.
2011 Either fish, foul or flesh,
2012 I otherwise finish too quick."
2014 There once was a man from Nantucket
2015 Who kept all his cash in a bucket.
2016 His daughter, named Nan,
2017 Ran away with a man,
2018 And as for the bucket, Nantucket.
2020 The pair of them went to Manhasset,
2021 (Nan and the man with the asset.)
2022 Pa followed them there,
2023 But they left in a tear,
2024 And as for the asset, Manhasset.
2026 Pa followed the pair to Pawtucket,
2027 (Nan and the man with the bucket.)
2029 "You're welcome to Nan."
2030 But as for the bucket, Pawtucket.
2032 There once was a man from Racine,
2033 Who invented a screwing machine.
2034 Both concave and convex,
2035 It could please either sex,
2036 But, oh, what a bastard to clean!
2038 There once was a man from Sandem
2039 Who was making his girl on a tandem.
2040 At the peak of the make
2041 She jammed on the brake
2042 And scattered his semen at random.
2044 There once was a man from Sydney
2045 Who could put it up to her kidney.
2046 But the man from Quebec
2047 Put it up to her neck;
2048 He had a big one, now didn't he?
2050 There once was a man named McGruder,
2051 Who canoed with a girl in Bermuder.
2052 But the girl thought it crude,
2053 To be wooed in the nude,
2054 So McGru took an oar and subduder.
2056 There once was a man named McSweeny
2057 Who spilled lots of gin on his weeney.
2058 So just to be couth,
2060 And slipped his best girl a martini.
2062 There once was a man named Parridge
2063 With peculiar views on marriage.
2064 He sucked off his brother,
2065 Fucked his own mother,
2066 And gobbled his sister's miscarriage.
2068 There once was a man with a hernia
2069 Who said to his doctor, "Gol dern ya,
2070 When you work on my middle
2071 Be sure you don't fiddle
2072 With things that do not concern ya."
2074 There once was a member of Mensa
2075 Who was a most excellent fencer.
2076 The sword that he used
2077 Was his -- (line is refused,
2078 And has now been removed by the censor).
2080 There once was a miner named Dave,
2081 Who kept a dead whore in his cave.
2082 She was ugly as shit,
2083 And missing one tit,
2084 But think of the money he saves.
2086 There once was a monk of Camyre
2087 Who was seized with a carnal desire
2088 And the primary cause
2089 Was the abbess's drawers
2090 Which were hung up to dry by the fire.
2092 There once was a newspaper vendor,
2093 A person of dubious gender.
2094 He would charge one-and-two
2095 For permission to view
2096 His remarkable double pudenda.
2098 There once was a plumber from Leigh
2099 Who was plumbing his maid by the sea.
2100 Said she, "Please stop plumbing,
2101 I think someone's coming!"
2102 Said he, "Yes, I know love, it's me."
2104 There once was a pretty young Mrs.
2105 Whose tearful but short story thrs.
2106 Her mind lost its grasp -
2107 Now she thinks she's an asp
2108 And just sits in the corner and hrs.
2110 There once was a queen of Bulgaria
2111 Whose bush had grown hairier and hairier,
2112 Till a prince from Peru
2113 Who came up for a screw
2114 Had to hunt for her cunt with a terrier.
2116 There once was a reverend at Kings
2117 Whose mind 'twas on heavenly things.
2118 But his heart was on fire
2119 For a boy in the choir
2120 Whose buns were like jelly on springs.
2122 There once was a sad Maitre d'hotel
2123 Who said, "They can all go to hell!
2124 What they do to my wife --
2125 Why it ruins my life;
2126 And the worst is they all do it well."
2128 There once was a sailor named Gasted,
2129 A swell guy, as long as he lasted,
2130 He could jerk himself off
2132 Or a breeches-buoy swung from the masthead.
2134 There once was a Scot named McAmeter
2135 With a tool of prodigious diameter.
2136 But it was not the size
2137 That caused such surprise;
2138 'Twas his rhythm -- iambic pentameter.
2140 There once was a son-of-a-bitch,
2141 Neither clever, nor handsome, nor rich,
2142 Yet the girls he would dazzle,
2143 And fuck to a frazzle,
2144 And then ditch them, the son-of-a-bitch!
2146 There once was a spaceman named Spock
2147 Who had a huge Vulcanized cock.
2148 A girl from Missouri
2149 Whose name was Uhura
2150 Just fainted away from the shock.
2152 There once was a Swede in Minneapolis,
2153 Discovered his sex life was hapless:
2154 The more he would screw
2155 The more he'd want to,
2156 And he feared he would soon be quite sapless.
2158 There once was a Usenetter named Mark,
2159 Whose gender was kept in the dark.
2160 He/she/it said with a nod,
2161 "My ancestors were odd!"
2162 Did Noah need two for the ark?
2164 There once was a whore from Regina
2165 Who had a stupendous vagina.
2166 To save herself time,
2167 She had six at a time,
2168 And another one working behind her.
2170 There once was a woman from Arden
2171 Who sucked off a man in a garden.
2172 He said, "My dear Flo,
2173 Where does all that stuff go?"
2174 And she said, "[Swallow hard] I beg pardon?"
2176 There once was a yokel of Beaconsfield
2177 Engaged to look after the deacon's field,
2178 But he lurked in the ditches
2179 And diddled the bitches
2180 Who happened to cross that antique 'un's field.
2182 There once was a young girl from Natches
2183 Who chanced to be born with two snatches
2184 She often said, "Shit!
2186 For a guy with equipment that matches."
2188 There once was a young man from Boston
2189 Who drove around town in an Austin,
2190 There was room for his ass,
2191 And a gallon of gas,
2192 So he hung out his balls and he lost 'em.
2194 There once was a young man from France
2195 Who waited ten years for his chance;
2196 Then he muffed it...
2198 There once was a young man from Yuma
2199 Who attempted sex with a puma
2200 He gave up real quick
2201 Minus nose, toes, and prick
2202 In obvious pain and ill huma.
2204 There once was a young man from Yuma,
2205 Who told an elephant joke to a puma.
2206 Now his dry bleached bones lie,
2207 Under hot Asian skies,
2208 'Cause the puma had no sense of huma.
2210 There once was a young man named Clyde
2211 Who fell in an outhouse, and died.
2212 He had a twin brother
2214 And now they're interred side by side.
2216 There once was a young man named Lancelot
2217 Whom the townsfolk would look at askance a lot
2218 For when he should pass
2220 The front of his pants would advance a lot.
2222 There once was an Arpanet freak,
2223 Who better response-time did seek.
2224 He searched coast to coast,
2225 For a reliable host,
2226 Whose logger took less than a week.
2228 There once was an old man from Esser,
2229 Who's knowledge grew lesser and lesser.
2230 It at last grew so small,
2231 He knew nothing at all,
2232 And now he's a College Professor.
2234 There once were two brothers named Luntz
2235 Who buggered each other at once.
2236 When asked to account
2237 For this intricate mount,
2238 They said, "Ass-holes are tighter than cunts."
2240 There was a bluestocking in Florence
2241 Wrote anti-sex pamphlets in torrents,
2242 Till a Spanish grandee,
2243 Got her off with his knee,
2244 And she burned all her works with abhorrence.
2246 There was a family named Doe,
2247 An ideal family to know.
2248 As father screwed mother,
2249 She said, "You're heavier than brother."
2250 And he said, "Yes, Sis told me so!"
2252 There was a fat lady of China
2253 Who'd a really enormous vagina,
2254 And when she was dead
2255 They painted it red,
2256 And used it for docking a liner.
2258 There was a fat man from Rangoon
2259 Whose prick was much like a balloon.
2260 He tried hard to ride her
2261 And when finally inside her
2262 She thought she was pregnant too soon.
2264 There was a gay countess of Bray,
2265 And you may think it odd when I say,
2266 That in spite of high station,
2268 She always spelled cunt with a "k".
2270 There was a gay dog from Ontario
2271 Who fancied himself a Lothario.
2273 He'd snatch off his pants
2274 And make for her Mons Venerio.
2276 There was a gay parson of Norton
2277 Whose prick, although thick, was a short 'un.
2278 To make up for this loss,
2279 He had balls like a horse,
2280 And never spent less than a quartern.
2282 There was a gay parson of Tooting
2283 Whose roe he was frequently shooting,
2284 Till he married a lass
2285 With a face like my arse,
2286 And a cunt you could put a top-boot in.
2288 There was a lewd fellow named Duff
2289 Who loved to dive deep in the muff.
2290 With his head in a whirl
2291 He said, "Spread it, Pearl;
2292 I cunt get enough of the stuff!"
2294 There was a man from Mich.
2295 Who used to wish and wich.
2296 That spring would come
2298 Around and go out fich.
2300 There was a pianist named Liszt
2301 Who played with one hand while he pissed,
2302 But as he grew older
2303 His technique grew bolder,
2304 And in concert jacked off with his fist.
2306 There was a poor parson from Goring,
2307 Who made a small hole in his flooring,
2308 Fur-lined it all round,
2309 Then laid on the ground,
2310 And declared it was cheaper than whoring.
2312 There was a strong man of Drumrig
2313 Who one day did seven times frig.
2314 He buggered three sailors,
2315 Four dogs and two tailors,
2316 And ended by fucking a pig.
2318 There was a teenager named Donna
2319 Who never said, "No, I don't wanna."
2320 Two days out of three
2321 She would shoot LSD,
2322 And on weekends she smoked marijuana.
2324 There was a young belle of old Natchez
2325 Whose garments were always in patchez.
2327 On the state of her clothes
2328 She, drawled, "When ah itchez, ah scratchez."
2330 There was a young blade from South Greece
2331 Whose bush did so greatly increase
2332 That before he could shack
2333 He must hunt needle in stack.
2334 'Twas as bad as being obese.
2336 There was a young bride, a Canuck,
2337 Told her husband, "Let's do more than suck.
2338 You say that I, maybe,
2339 Can have my first baby--
2340 Let's give up this Frenchin' and fuck!"
2342 There was a young bride of Antigua
2343 Whose husband said, "Dear me, how big you are!"
2344 Said the girl, "What damn'd rot!
2345 Why, you've only felt my twot,
2346 My legs and my arse and my figua!"
2348 There was a young chap in Arabia
2349 Who courted a widow named Fabia.
2350 "Yes, my tongue is as long
2351 As the average man's dong,"
2352 He said, licking the lips of her labia.
2354 There was a young cook with the art
2355 Of making a delicious tart
2356 With a handful of shit,
2357 Some snot and some spit,
2358 And he'd flavor the whole with a fart.
2360 There was a young curate whose brain
2361 Was deranged from the use of cocaine;
2362 He lured a small child
2363 To a copse dark and wild,
2364 Where he beat it to death with his cane.
2367 There was a young damsel named Baker
2368 Who was poked in a pew by a Quaker.
2369 He yelled, "My God! what
2370 Do you call this -- a twat?
2371 Why, the entrance is more than an acre!"
2373 There was a young dolly named Molly
2374 Who thought that to frig was a folly.
2375 Said she, "Your pee-pee
2376 Means nothing to me,
2377 But I'll do it just to be jolly."
2379 There was a young fellow from Cal.,
2380 In bed with a passionate gal.
2381 He leapt from the bed,
2382 To the toilet he sped;
2383 Said the gal, "What about me, old pal?"
2385 There was a young fellow from Florida
2386 Who liked a friend's wife, so he borrowed her.
2387 When they got into bed
2388 He cried, "God strike me dead!
2389 This ain't a cunt -- it's a corridor!"
2391 There was a young fellow from Leeds
2392 Who swallowed a package of seeds.
2393 Great tufts of grass
2394 Sprouted out of his ass
2395 And his balls were all covered with weeds.
2397 There was a young fellow from Parma
2398 Who was solemnly screwing his charmer.
2399 Said the damsel demure,
2400 "You'll excuse me, I'm sure,
2401 But I must say you fuck like a farmer."
2403 There was a young fellow name Tucker
2404 Who, instructing a novice cock-sucker,
2405 Said, "Don't bow out your lips
2406 Like an elephant's hips,
2407 The boys like it best when they pucker."
2409 There was a young fellow named Ades
2410 Whose favorite fruit was young maids.
2411 But sheep, nigger boys, whores,
2412 And the knot holes in doors
2413 Were by no means exempt from his raids.
2415 There was a young fellow named Babbitt
2416 Who could screw nine times like a rabbit,
2417 But a girl from Johore
2418 Could do it twice more,
2419 Which was just enough extra to crab it.
2421 There was a young fellow named Bill,
2422 Who took an atomic pill,
2424 His asshole exploded,
2425 And they found his nuts in Brazil.
2427 There was a young fellow named Blaine,
2428 And he screwed some disgusting old jane.
2429 She was ugly and smelly
2430 With an awful pot-belly,
2431 But... well, they were caught in the rain.
2433 There was a young fellow named Bliss
2434 Whose sex life was strangely amiss,
2436 His recalcitrant penis
2437 Would never do better than t
2443 There was a young fellow named Bowen
2444 Whose pecker kept growin' and growin'.
2445 It grew so tremendous,
2446 So long and so pendulous,
2447 'Twas no good for fuckin' -- just showin'.
2449 There was a young fellow named Brewer
2450 Whose girl made her home in a sewer.
2451 Thus he, the poor soul,
2452 Could get into her hole,
2453 And still not be able to screw her!
2455 There was a young fellow named Case
2456 Who entered a cunt-lapping race.
2457 He licked his way clean
2458 Through Number thirteen,
2459 But then slipped and got pissed in the face.
2461 There was a young fellow named Charteris
2462 Put his hand where his young lady's garter is.
2463 Said she, "I don't mind,
2464 And higher up you'll find
2465 The place where my fucker and farter is."
2467 There was a young fellow named Cribbs
2468 Whose cock was so big it had ribs.
2469 They were inches apart,
2470 And to suck it took art,
2471 While to fuck it took forty-two trips.
2473 There was a young fellow named dick
2474 Who had a magnificent prick.
2475 It was shaped like a prism
2476 And shot so much gism
2477 It made every cocksucker sick.
2479 There was a young fellow named Feeney
2480 Whose girl was a terrible meany.
2481 The hatch of her snatch
2482 Had a catch that would latch
2483 - She could only be screwed by Houdini.
2485 There was a young fellow named Fletcher,
2486 Was reputed an infamous lecher.
2487 When he'd take on a whore
2488 She'd need a rebore,
2489 And they'd carry him out on a stretcher.
2491 There was a young fellow named Fyfe
2492 Whose marriage was ruined for life,
2493 For he had an aversion
2494 To every perversion,
2495 And only liked fucking his wife.
2497 Well, one year the poor woman struck,
2498 And she wept, and she cursed at her luck,
2499 And said, "Where have you gotten us
2500 With your goddamn monotonous
2501 Fuck after fuck after fuck?
2503 "I once knew a harlot named Lou --
2504 And a versatile girl she was, too.
2505 After ten years of whoredom
2506 She perished of boredom
2507 When she married a jackass like you!"
2509 There was a young fellow named Gene
2510 Who first picked his asshole quite clean.
2511 He next picked his toes,
2512 And lastly his nose,
2513 And he never did wash in between.
2515 There was a young fellow named Gluck
2516 Who found himself shit out of luck.
2517 Though he petted and wooed,
2518 When he tried to get screwed
2519 He found virgins just don't give a fuck.
2521 There was a young fellow named Goody
2522 Who claimed that he wouldn't, but would he?
2523 If he found himself nude
2524 With a gal in the mood
2525 The question's not woody but could he?
2527 There was a young fellow named Grant
2528 Who was made like the sensitive plant.
2529 When they asked "Do you fuck?"
2530 He replied, "No such luck.
2531 I would if I could, but I can't."
2533 There was a young fellow named Grimes
2534 Who fucked his girl seventeen times
2535 In the course of a week --
2536 And this isn't to speak
2537 Of assorted venereal crimes.
2539 There was a young fellow named Harry,
2540 Had a joint that was long, huge and scary.
2541 He grabbed him a virgin,
2542 Who, without any urgin',
2543 Immediately spread like a fairy.
2545 There was a young fellow named Hatch
2546 Who was fond of the music of Bach.
2547 He said: "It's not fussy
2548 Like Brahms and Debussy;
2549 Sit down, and I'll play you a snatch."
2551 There was a young fellow named Kimble
2552 Whose prick was exceedingly nimble,
2553 But fragile and slender,
2554 And dainty and tender,
2555 So he kept it encased in a thimble.
2557 There was a young fellow named Meek
2558 Who invented a lingual technique.
2559 It drove women frantic,
2560 And made them romantic,
2561 And wore all the hair off his cheek.
2563 There was a young fellow named Morgan
2564 Who possessed an unusual organ:
2565 The end of his dong,
2566 Which was nine inches long,
2567 Was tipped with the head of a gorgon.
2569 There was a young fellow named Paul
2570 Who confessed, "I have only one ball.
2571 But the size of my prick
2572 Is God's dirtiest trick,
2573 For my girls always ask, `Is that all?'"
2575 There was a young fellow named Pell
2576 Who didn't like cunt very well.
2577 He would finger or fuck one,
2578 But never would suck one--
2579 He just couldn't get used to the smell.
2581 There was a young fellow named Price
2582 Who dabbled in all sorts of vice.
2583 He had virgins and boys
2584 And mechanical toys,
2585 And on Mondays... he meddled with mice!
2587 There was a young fellow named Prynne
2588 Whose prick was so short and so thin,
2589 His wife found she needed
2590 A Fuckoscope -- she did --
2591 To see if he'd gotten it in.
2593 There was a young fellow named Skinner
2594 Who took a young lady to dinner
2595 At a quarter to nine,
2596 They sat down to dine,
2597 At twenty to ten it was in her.
2598 The dinner, not Skinner -- Skinner was in her before dinner.
2600 There was a young fellow named Tupper
2601 Who took a young lady to supper.
2602 At a quarter to nine,
2603 They sat down to dine,
2604 And at twenty to ten it was up her.
2605 Not the supper -- not Tupper -- It was some son-of-a-bitch named Skinner!
2607 There was a young fellow named Sweeney,
2608 Whose girl was a terrible meanie,
2609 The hatch of her snatch,
2610 Had a catch that would latch,
2611 She could only be screwed by Houdini.
2613 There was a young fellow of Burma
2614 Whose betrothed had good reason to murmur.
2615 But now that he's married he's
2616 Been using cantharides
2617 And the root of their love is much firmer.
2619 There was a young fellow of Greenwich
2620 Whose balls were all covered with spinach.
2622 It was wound on a spool,
2623 And he reeled it out inich by inich.
2625 But this tale has an unhappy finich,
2626 For due to the sand in the spinach
2627 His ballocks grew rough
2628 And wrecked his wife's muff,
2629 And scratched up her thatch in the scrimmage.
2631 There was a young fellow of Harrow
2632 Whose john was the size of a marrow.
2633 He said to his tart,
2634 "How's this for a start?
2635 My balls are outside in a barrow."
2637 There was a young fellow of Kent
2638 Whose prick was so long that it bent,
2639 So to save himself trouble
2640 He put it in double,
2641 And instead of coming he went.
2643 There was a young fellow of Mayence
2644 Who fucked his own arse in defiance
2646 And morals, dad-bust him,
2647 But of most of the known laws of science.
2649 There was a young fellow of Perth
2650 Whose balls were the finest on earth.
2651 They grew to such size
2652 That one won a prize,
2653 And goodness knows what they were worth.
2655 There was a young fellow of Strensall
2656 Whose prick was as sharp as a pencil.
2657 On the night of his wedding
2658 It went through the bedding,
2659 And shattered the chamber utensil.
2661 There was a young fellow of Warwick
2662 Who had reason for feeling euphoric,
2663 For he could by election
2664 Have triune erection:
2665 Ionic, Corinthian, and Doric.
2667 There was a young fellow whose dong
2668 Was prodigiously massive and long.
2669 On each side of his whang
2671 That attracted a curious throng.
2673 There was a young German named Ringer
2674 Who was screwing an opera singer.
2675 Said he with a grin,
2676 "Well, I've sure got it in!"
2677 Said she, "You mean that ain't your finger?"
2679 There was a young girl from Annista
2680 Who dated a lecherous mister.
2681 He fondled her titty,
2682 Got one finger shitty,
2683 Then screwed up his courage and kissed 'er.
2685 There was a young girl from Decatur
2686 Who was raped by an alligator.
2687 But no one quite knew
2688 How she relished that screw,
2689 For after he screwed her, he ate her.
2691 There was a young girl from Dundee,
2692 From her fanny there grew a plum tree.
2693 No one ate the nice fruit,
2694 To tell you the truth,
2695 Because they knew it came from her tooty-toot-toot.
2697 There was a young girl from Hong Kong
2698 Who said, "You are utterly wrong
2700 Is the largest in China
2701 Just because of your mean little dong."
2703 There was a young girl from Hong Kong
2704 Whose cervical cap was a gong.
2705 She said with a yell,
2706 As a shot rang her bell,
2707 "I'll give you a ding for a dong!"
2709 There was a young girl from Medina
2710 Who could completely control her vagina.
2711 She could twist it around
2712 Like the cunts that are found
2713 In Japan, Manchukuo and China.
2715 There was a young girl from New York
2716 Who plugged up her cunt with a cork.
2718 Made the grade it is true,
2719 But it totally baffled the stork.
2721 Till along came a man who presented
2722 A tool that was strangely indented.
2723 With a dizzying twirl
2724 He punctured that girl,
2725 And thus was the cork-screw invented.
2727 There was a young girl from Peru,
2728 Who had nothing whatever to do.
2729 So she sat on the stairs,
2730 And counted cunt hairs,
2731 Four thousand, three hundred and two.
2733 There was a young girl from Peru,
2734 Who noticed her lovers were few;
2735 So she walked out her door
2736 With a fig leaf, no more,
2737 And now she's in bed - with the flu.
2739 There was a young girl from Samoa
2740 Who pledged that no man would know her.
2741 One young fellow tried,
2742 But she wriggled aside,
2743 And he spilled all his spermatozoa.
2745 There was a young girl from Seattle,
2746 Whose hobby was sucking off cattle.
2747 But a bull from the South
2748 Shot a wad in her mouth
2749 That made both her ovaries rattle.
2751 There was a young girl from Siam
2752 Who said to her boyfriend Priam,
2753 "To seduce me, of course,
2754 You'll have to use force,
2755 And thank goodness you're stronger than I am.
2757 There was a young girl from St. Cyr
2758 Whose reflex reactions were queer.
2759 Her escort said, "Mable,
2760 Get up off the table;
2761 That money's to pay for the beer."
2763 There was a young girl from St. Paul
2764 Who went to a newspaper ball.
2765 Her dress caught on fire
2766 And burnt her entire
2767 Front page and sport section and all.
2769 There was a young girl from the Bronix
2770 Who had a vagina of onyx.
2771 She had so much `tsoris'
2773 She traded it in for a Packard.
2775 There was a young girl from the coast
2776 Who, just when she needed it most,
2777 Lost her Kotex and bled
2779 And the head and the beard of her host.
2781 There was a young girl in Berlin
2782 Who eked out a living through sin.
2783 She didn't mind fucking,
2784 But much preferred sucking,
2785 And she'd wipe off the pricks on her chin.
2787 There was a young girl in Berlin
2788 Who was fucked by an elderly Finn.
2789 Though he diddled his best,
2790 And fucked her with zest,
2791 She kept asking, "Hey, Pop, is it in?"
2793 There was a young girl in Dakota
2794 Had a letter from Ickes; he wrote her:
2796 We are rationing ass,
2797 And you've greatly exceeded your quota."
2799 There was a young girl name McKnight
2800 Who got drunk with her boy-friend one night.
2802 With a split maidenhead--
2803 That's the last time she ever was tight.
2805 There was a young girl named Ann Heuser
2806 Who swore that no man could surprise her.
2807 But Pabst took a chance,
2808 Found a Schlitz in her pants,
2809 And now she is sadder Budweiser.
2811 There was a young girl named Heather
2812 Whose twitcher was made out of leather.
2813 She made a queer noise,
2814 Which attracted the boys,
2815 By flapping the edges together.
2817 There was a young girl named McCall
2818 Whose cunt was exceedingly small,
2819 But the size of her anus
2820 Was something quite heinous --
2821 It could hold seven pricks and one ball.
2823 There was a young girl named O'Clare
2824 Whose body was covered with hair.
2825 It was really quite fun
2826 To probe with one's gun,
2827 For her quimmy might be anywhere.
2829 There was a young girl named O'Malley
2830 Who wanted to dance in the ballet.
2831 She got roars of applause
2832 When she kicked off her drawers,
2833 But her hair and her bush didn't tally.
2835 There was a young girl named Sapphire
2836 Who succumbed to her lover's desire.
2837 She said, "It's a sin,
2838 But now that it's in,
2839 Could you shove it a few inches higher?"
2841 There was a young girl of Aberystwyth
2842 Who screwed every man that she kissed with.
2843 She tickled the balls
2844 Of the men in the halls,
2845 And pulled on the prongs that they pissed with.
2847 There was a young girl of Aberystwyth
2848 Who took grain to the mill to get grist with.
2849 The miller's sun, Jack,
2850 Laid her flat on her back,
2851 And united the organs they pissed with.
2853 There was a young girl of Angina
2854 Who stretched catgut across her vagina.
2855 From the love-making frock
2856 (With the proper sized cock)
2857 Came Toccata and Fugue in D minor.
2859 There was a young girl of Asturias
2860 With a penchant for practices curious.
2861 She loved to bat rocks
2862 With her gentlemen's cocks --
2863 A practice both rude and injurious.
2865 There was a young girl of Batonger
2866 who diddled herself with a conger,
2867 When asked how it feels
2868 To be pleasured by eels
2869 She said, "Just like a man, only longer.
2871 There was a young girl of Cah'lina,
2872 Had a very capricious vagina:
2873 To the shock of the fucker
2874 "Twould suddenly pucker,
2875 And whistle the chorus of "Dinah."
2877 There was a young girl of Cape Cod
2878 Who dreamt she'd been buggered by God.
2879 But it wasn't Jehovah
2880 That turned the girl over,
2881 'Twas Roger the lodger, the dirty old codger,
2882 the bugger, the bastard, the sod!
2884 There was a young girl of Cape Town
2885 Who usually fucked with a clown.
2886 He taught her the trick
2887 Of sucking his prick,
2888 And when it went up -- she went down.
2890 There was a young girl of Coxsaxie
2891 Whose skirt was more mini than maxi.
2892 She was fucked at the show
2893 In the twenty-third row,
2894 And once more going home in the taxi.
2896 There was a young girl of Darjeeling
2897 Who could dance with such exquisite feeling
2898 There was never a sound
2900 Save of fly-buttons hitting the ceiling.
2902 There was a young girl of Des Moines
2903 Whose cunt could be fitted with coins,
2904 Till a guy from Hoboken
2905 Went and dropped in a token,
2906 And now she rides free on the ferry.
2908 There was a young girl of Detroit
2909 Who at fucking was very adroit:
2910 She could squeeze her vagina
2911 To a pin-point, or finer,
2912 Or open it out like a quoit.
2914 And she had a friend named Durand
2915 Whose cock could contract or expand.
2916 He could diddle a midge
2917 Or the arch of a bridge --
2918 Their performance together was grand!
2920 There was a young girl of East Lynne
2921 Whose mother, to save her from sin,
2922 Had filled up her crack,
2923 To the brim with shellac,
2924 But the boys picked it out with a pin.
2926 There was a young girl of Gibraltar
2927 Who was raped as she knelt at the altar.
2930 Should answer her prayers and assault her.
2932 There was a young girl of LLewellyn
2933 Whose breasts were as big as a melon.
2934 They were big it is true,
2935 But her cunt was big too,
2936 Like a bifocal, full-color, aerial view
2937 Of Cape Horn and the Straits of Magellan.
2939 There was a young girl of Mobile,
2940 Who hymen was made of chilled steel,
2941 To give her a thrill,
2942 Took a rotary drill,
2943 Or a number nine emery wheel.
2945 There was a young girl of Moline
2946 Whose fucking was sweet and obscene.
2947 She would work on a prick
2948 With every known trick,
2949 And finish by winking it clean.
2951 There was a young girl of Newcastle
2952 Whose charms were declared universal.
2953 While one man in front
2954 Wired into her cunt,
2955 Another was engaged at her arsehole.
2957 There was a young girl of Pawtucket
2958 Whose box was as big as a bucket.
2959 Her boy-friend said, "Toots,
2960 I'll have to wear boots,
2961 For I see I must muck it, not fuck it."
2963 There was a young girl of Penzance
2964 Who boarded a bus in a trance.
2965 The passengers fucked her,
2966 Likewise the conductor,
2967 While the driver shot off in his pants.
2969 There was a young girl of Pitlochry
2970 Who was had by a man in a rockery.
2971 She said, "Oh! You've come
2973 This isn't a fuck -- it's a mockery."
2975 There was a young girl of Rangoon
2976 Who was blocked by the Man in the Moon.
2977 "Well, it has been great fun,"
2978 She remarked when he'd done,
2979 "But I'm sorry you came quite so soon."
2981 There was a young girl of Spitzbergen,
2982 Whose people all thought her a virgin,
2983 Till they found her in bed
2984 With her twat very red,
2985 And the head of a kid just emergin'.
2987 There was a young girl, very sweet,
2988 Who thought sailors' meat quite a treat.
2989 When she sat on their lap
2990 She unbuttoned their flap,
2991 And always had plenty to eat.
2993 There was a young girl who begat
2994 Three brats, by name Nat, Pat, and Tat.
2995 It was fun in the breeding,
2996 But hell in the feeding,
2997 When she found there was no tit for Tat.
2999 There was a young harlot from Kew
3000 Who filled her vagina with glue.
3001 She said with a grin,
3002 "If they pay to get in,
3003 They'll pay to get out of it too."
3005 There was a young harlot named Schwartz
3006 Whose cock-pit was studded with warts,
3007 And they tickled so nice
3008 She drew a high price
3009 From the studs at the summer resorts.
3011 Her pimp, a young fellow named Biddle,
3012 Was seldom hard up for a diddle,
3013 For according to rumor
3014 His tool had a tumor
3015 And a fine row of warts down the middle.
3017 There was a young hayseed from Tiffan
3018 Whose cock would constantly stiffen.
3019 The knob out in front
3021 Which he greatly delighted in sniffin'.
3023 There was a young idler named Blood,
3024 Made a fortune performing at stud,
3025 With a fifteen-inch peter,
3026 A double-beat metre,
3027 And a load like the Biblical Flood.
3029 There was a young Jew of Far Rockaway
3030 Whose screams could be heard for a block away.
3031 Perceiving his error,
3033 Cried, "God! I have cut his whole cock away!"
3035 There was a young lad from Siam,
3036 Whose sex life was caught in a jam.
3037 He loved them real small,
3038 'Cause they're funner to ball,
3039 So he went out and bought him a lamb!
3041 There was a young lad name of Durcan
3042 Who was always jerkin' his gherkin.
3043 His father said, "Durcan!
3044 Stop jerkin' your gherkin!
3045 Your gherkin's for ferkin', not jerkin'.
3047 There was a young lad name of Ward
3048 Who strung himself up with a cord
3049 Said he, of his work
3050 (Ere the rope snapped with a jerk)
3051 "I am leaving because I am bored."
3054 There was a young lad named McFee
3055 Who was stung in the balls by a bee
3056 He made oodles of money
3057 By oozing pure honey
3058 Every time he attempted to pee.
3060 There was a young lady at sea
3061 Who complained that it hurt her to pee.
3062 Said the brawny old mate,
3063 "That accounts for the state
3064 Of the cook and the captain and me."
3066 There was a young lady called Ciss
3067 Who went to the river to piss.
3068 A young man in a punt
3069 Put his hand on her cunt;
3070 No wonder she thought it was bliss.
3072 There was a young lady from Bangor
3073 Who slept while the ship lay at anchor
3075 When she heard the mate say:
3076 "Let's lift up the topsheet and spanker!"
3078 There was a young lady from Bristol
3079 Who went to the Palace called Crystal.
3080 Said she, "It's all glass,
3081 And as round as my ass,"
3082 And she farted as loud as a pistol.
3084 There was a young lady from Brussels
3085 Who was proud of her vaginal muscles.
3086 She could easily plex them
3087 And so interflex them
3088 As to whistle love songs through her bustles.
3090 There was a young lady from Drew
3091 Who ended her verse at line two.
3093 There was a young lady from Dumfries
3094 Who said to her boyfriend, "It's some freeze!
3095 My navel's all bare,
3096 So stick it in there,
3097 Before both my legs and my bum freeze."
3099 There was a young lady from Exeter,
3100 So pretty that men craned their necks at her.
3101 One was even so brave
3102 As to take out and wave
3103 The distinguishing mark of his sex at her.
3105 There was a young lady from Hyde
3106 Who ate a green apple and died.
3107 While her lover lamented
3109 And made cider inside her inside.
3111 There was a young lady from Maine
3112 Who claimed she had men on her brain.
3113 But you knew from the view,
3114 As her abdomen grew,
3115 It was not on her brain that he'd lain.
3117 There was a young lady from Munich
3118 Who had an affair with a eunuch.
3119 At the height of their passion
3120 He dealt her a ration
3121 From a squirt gun concealed in his tunic.
3123 There was a young lady from Norway
3124 Who hung by her heels in a doorway.
3125 She told her young man,
3127 I think I've discovered one more way"
3129 There was a young lady from Prentice
3130 Who had an affair with a dentist.
3131 To make things easier
3133 And diddled her, `non compos mentis'.
3135 There was a young lady from Rheims
3136 Who amazingly pissed in four streams.
3137 A friend poked around
3138 And a fly-button found
3139 Lodged tight in her hole so it seems.
3141 There was a young lady from Rio
3142 Who slept with the Fornier trio.
3143 As she dropped her panties
3144 She said, "No andantes,
3145 I want this allegro con brio!"
3147 There was a young lady from Siam
3148 Who said to her lover, one Kiam,
3149 "You may kiss me of course,
3150 But you'll have to use force.
3151 Though god knows you're stronger than I am."
3153 There was a young lady from Spain
3154 Who demurely undressed on a train.
3155 A helpful young porter
3156 Helped more than he orter,
3157 And she promptly cried "Help me again"
3159 There was a young lady from Spain
3160 Who got sick as she rode on a train;
3161 Not once, but again,
3162 And again, and again,
3163 And again, and again, and again.
3165 There was a young lady from Spain
3166 Whose face was exceedingly plain,
3167 But her cunt had a pucker
3168 That made the men fuck her,
3169 Again, and again, and again.
3171 There was a young lady from Troy
3172 Had a moustache, just like a young boy
3173 Though it tickled to kiss
3174 'Twas a source of much bliss
3175 When she used it to brush a man's toy.
3177 There was a young lady from Wheeling
3178 Who claimed to lack sexual feeling.
3179 But a cynic named Boris
3180 Just touched her clitoris
3181 And she had to be scraped off the ceiling.
3183 There was a young lady from Wheeling
3184 Who had a peculiar feeling.
3185 She laid on her back
3186 And tickled her crack
3187 And pissed all over the ceiling.
3189 There was a young lady from Wooster
3190 Who complained that too many men gooster.
3191 So she traded her scanties
3192 For sandpaper panties,
3193 Now they goose her much less than they used 'ter.
3195 There was a young lady in Reno,
3196 Who lost all her dough playing Keno.
3197 But she lay on her back,
3198 And opened her crack,
3199 So now she owns the Casino!
3201 There was a young lady named Alice
3202 Who was known to have peed in a chalice.
3203 'Twas the common belief
3204 It was done for relief,
3205 And not out of protestant malice.
3207 There was a young lady named Astor
3208 Who never let any get past her.
3209 She finally got plenty
3211 Which certainly ought to last her.
3213 There was a young lady named Banker,
3214 Who slept while the ship lay at anchor,
3216 When she heard the mate say,
3217 "Now hoist up the topsheet and spanker."
3219 There was a young lady named Blount
3220 Who had a rectangular cunt.
3221 She learned for diversion
3222 Posterior perversion,
3223 Since no one could fit here in front.
3225 There was a young lady named Bower
3226 Who dwelt in an Ivory Tower.
3227 But a poet from Perth
3228 Laid her flat on the earth,
3229 And proceeded with penis to plough her.
3231 There was a young lady named Brent
3232 With a cunt of enormous extent,
3233 And so deep and so wide,
3234 The acoustics inside
3235 Were so good you could hear when you spent.
3237 There was a young lady named Bright
3238 Who could travel much faster than light.
3239 She took off one day,
3241 And returned on the previous night.
3243 There was a young lady named Brook
3244 Who never could learn how to cook.
3246 She could please any man-
3247 She knew every darn trick in the book!
3249 There was a young lady named Cager
3250 Who, as the result of a wager,
3252 The entire oboe part
3253 Of Mozart's quartet in F major.
3255 There was a young lady named Ciss
3256 Who said, "I think skating's a bliss"
3257 But she'll never restate,
3258 For a wheel off her skate
3259 .siht ekil gnihtemos pu hsinif reh edaM
3261 There was a young lady named Dot
3262 Whose cunt was so terribly hot
3263 That ten bishops of Rome
3264 And the Pope's private gnome
3265 Failed to quench her Vesuvial twat.
3267 There was a young lady named Duff
3268 With a lovely, luxuriant muff.
3269 In his haste to get in her
3271 Lost both of his balls in the rough.
3273 There was a young lady named Etta
3274 Who was constantly seen in a swetta.
3275 Three reasons she had:
3276 To keep warm wasn't bad,
3277 But the other two reasons were betta.
3279 There was a young lady named Fleager
3280 Who was terribly, terribly eager
3282 On the tragedy stage,
3283 Though her talents were pitifully meagre.
3286 There was a young lady named Flo
3287 Whose lover had pulled out too slow.
3288 So they tried it all night,
3289 Till he got it just right...
3290 Well, practice makes pregnant, you know.
3292 There was a young lady named Flynn
3293 Who thought fornication a sin,
3294 But when she was tight
3295 It seemed quite all right,
3296 So everyone filled her with gin.
3298 There was a young lady named Gilda
3299 Who went on a date with a builder.
3300 He said that he would,
3301 And he could and he should,
3302 And he did and it damn well near killed her.
3304 There was a young lady named Gloria,
3305 Whose boyfriend said, "May I explore ya?"
3306 She replied to the chap,
3307 "I'll draw you a map,
3308 Of where others have been to before ya."
3310 There was a young lady named Grace
3311 Who would not take a prick in her "place."
3312 Though she'd kiss it and suck it,
3313 She never would fuck it--
3314 She just couldn't relax face-to-face.
3316 There was a young lady named Hall,
3317 Wore a newspaper dress to a ball.
3318 The dress caught on fire
3319 And burned her entire
3320 Front page, sporting section, and all.
3322 There was a young lady named Hatch
3323 Who would always come through in a scratch.
3324 If a guy wouldn't neck her,
3325 She'd grab up his pecker
3326 And shove the damn thing up her snatch.
3328 There was a young lady named Mable
3329 Who liked to sprawl out on the table,
3330 Then cry to her man,
3331 "Stuff in all you can --
3332 Get your ballocks in, too, if you're able."
3334 There was a young lady named Mandel
3335 Who caused quite a neighborhood scandal
3337 On the main village square
3338 And frigging herself with a candle.
3340 There was a young lady named Maud,
3341 A terrible society fraud:
3342 In company, I'm told,
3343 She was distant and cold,
3344 But if you got her alone, Oh God!
3346 There was a young lady named May
3347 Who strolled in a park by the way,
3348 And she met a young man
3349 Who fucked her and ran --
3350 Now she goes to the park every day.
3352 There was a young lady named Nance
3353 Who learned about fucking in France,
3354 And when you'd insert it
3355 She'd squeeze till she hurt it,
3356 And shoved it right back in your pants.
3358 There was a young lady named Nelly
3359 Whose tits would jiggle like jelly.
3360 They could tickle her twat
3361 Or be tied in a knot,
3362 And could even swat flies on her belly.
3364 There was a young lady named Ransom
3365 Who was rogered three times in a hansom.
3366 When she cried out for more
3367 A voice from the floor
3368 Replied, "My name is Simpson, not Samson."
3370 There was a young lady named Riddle
3371 Who had an untouchable middle.
3372 She had many friends
3373 Because of her ends,
3374 Since it isn't the middle you diddle.
3376 There was a young lady named Rose
3377 Who fainted whenever she chose;
3379 While playing croquet,
3380 But was quickly revived with a hose.
3383 There was a young lady named Rose
3384 With erogenous zones in her toes.
3385 She remained onanistic
3386 Till a foot-fetishistic
3387 Young man became one of her beaux.
3389 There was a young lady named Schneider
3390 Who often kept trysts with a spider.
3391 She found a strange bliss,
3392 In the hiss of her piss,
3393 As it strained through the cobwebs inside her.
3395 There was a young lady named Smith
3396 Whose virtue was largely a myth.
3397 She said, "Try as I can
3399 Who it's fun to be virtuous with."
3401 There was a young lady named Twiss
3402 Who said she thought fucking a bliss,
3403 For it tickled her bum
3404 And caused her to come
3405 .siht ekil gniyl ylbatrofmoc elihW
3407 There was a young lady named Wylde
3408 Who kept herself quite undefiled
3409 By thinking of Jesus;
3410 Contagious diseases;
3411 And the bother of having a child.
3413 There was a young lady of Arden,
3414 The tool of whose swain wouldn't harden.
3415 Said she with a frown,
3416 "I've been sadly let down
3417 By the tool of a fool in a garden."
3419 There was a young lady of Bicester
3420 Who was nicer by far than her sister:
3421 The sister would giggle
3422 And wiggle and jiggle,
3423 But this one would come if you kissed her.
3425 There was a young lady of Brabant
3426 Who slept with an impotent savant.
3427 She admitted, "We shouldn't,
3428 But it turned out he couldn't-
3429 So you can't say we have when we haven't."
3431 There was a young lady of Bude
3432 Who walked down the street in the nude.
3433 A bobby said, "Whattum
3434 Magnificent bottom!"
3435 And slapped it as hard as he could.
3437 There was a young lady of Carmia
3438 Whose housekeeping ways would alarm ya.
3440 She would climb in your lab,
3441 So her little base burner could warm ya.
3443 There was a young lady of Dee
3444 Who went down to the river to pee.
3446 Put his hand on her cunt,
3447 And God! how I wish it were me.
3449 There was a young lady of Dee
3450 Whose hymen was split into three.
3451 And when she was diddled
3452 The middle string fiddled:
3453 "Nearer My God To Thee."
3455 There was a young lady of Dexter
3456 Whose husband exceedingly vexed her,
3457 For whenever they'd start
3458 He'd unfailingly fart
3459 With a blast that damn nearly unsexed her.
3461 There was a young lady of Dover
3462 Whose passion was such that it drove her
3463 To cry, when you came,
3464 "Oh dear! What a shame!
3465 Well, now we shall have to start over."
3467 There was a young lady of Ealing
3468 And her lover before her was kneeling.
3469 Said she, "Dearest Jim,
3470 Take your hands off my quim;
3471 I much prefer fucking to feeling."
3473 There was a young lady of fashion
3474 Who had oodles and oodles of passion.
3475 To her lover she said,
3476 As they climbed into bed,
3477 "Here's one thing the bastards can't ration!"
3479 There was a young lady of Fez
3480 Who was known to the public as "Jez."
3481 Jezebel was her name,
3482 Sucking cocks was the game
3483 She excelled at (so everyone says).
3485 There was a young lady of Gaza
3486 Who shaved her cunt bare with a razor.
3487 The crabs, in a lump,
3488 Made tracks to her rump--
3489 This passing parade did amaze her.
3491 There was a young lady of Gloucester,
3492 Met a passionate fellow who tossed her.
3493 She wasn't much hurt,
3494 But he dirtied her skirt,
3495 So think of the anguish it cost her.
3497 There was a young lady of Gloucester
3498 Whose friends they thought they had lost her
3499 Till they found on the grass
3500 The marks of her arse,
3501 And the knees of the man who had crossed her.
3503 There was a young lady of Kent,
3504 Who admitted she knew what it meant
3505 When men asked her to dine,
3506 And plied her with wine,
3507 She knew, oh she knew -- but she went!
3509 There was a young lady of Lee
3510 Who scrambled up into a tree,
3512 Her arsehole was bare,
3513 And so was her C U N T.
3515 There was a young lady of Lincoln
3516 Who said that her cunt was a pink'un,
3517 So she had a prick lent her
3518 Which turned it magenta,
3519 This artful old lady of Lincoln.
3521 There was a young lady of Natchez
3522 Who chanced to be born with two snatches,
3523 And she often said, "Shit!
3524 Why, I'd give either tit
3525 For a man with equipment that matches."
3527 There was a young fellow named Locke
3528 Who was born with a two-headed cock.
3529 When he'd fondle the thing
3530 It would rise up and sing
3531 An antiphonal chorus by Bach.
3533 But whether these two ever met
3534 Has not been recorded as yet,
3535 Still, it would be diverting
3536 To see him inserting
3537 His whang while it sang a duet.
3539 There was a young lady of Norway
3540 Who hung by her toes in a doorway.
3541 She said to her beau
3542 "Just look at me Joe
3543 I think I've discovered one more way."
3545 There was a young lady of Rhyll
3546 In an omnibus was taken ill,
3547 So she called the conductor,
3548 Who got in and fucked her,
3549 Which did more good than a pill.
3551 There was a young lady of Spain
3552 Who took down her pants on a train.
3553 There was a young porter
3554 Saw more than he orter,
3555 And asked her to do it again.
3557 There was a young lady of Spain
3558 Who was fucked by a monk in a drain.
3560 And again and again,
3561 And again and again and again.
3563 There was a young lady of Twickenham
3564 Who thought men had not enough prick in 'em.
3565 On her knees every day
3566 To God she would pray
3567 To lengthen and strengthen and thicken 'em.
3569 There was a young lady of Wheeling
3570 Said to her beau, "I've a feeling
3572 Has need of a plug" --
3573 And straightaway she started to peeling.
3575 There was a young lady who said,
3576 As her bridegroom got into the bed,
3577 "I'm tired of this stunt,
3578 That they do with one's cunt,
3579 You can get up my bottom instead."
3581 There was a young lady whose cunt
3582 Could accommodate a small punt.
3583 Her mother said, "Annie,
3584 It matches your fanny,
3585 Which never was that of a runt."
3587 There was a young lady whose thighs,
3588 When spread showed a slit of such size,
3589 And so deep and so wide,
3590 You could play cards inside,
3591 Much to her bridegroom's surprise.
3593 There was a young lass from Surat.
3594 The cheeks of her ass were so fat
3595 That they had to be parted
3596 Whenever she farted,
3597 And also whenever she shat.
3599 There was a young laundress named Wrangle
3600 Whose tits tilted up at an angle.
3601 "They may tickle my chin,"
3602 She said with a grin,
3603 "But at least they keep out of the mangle."
3605 There was a young maiden from Osset
3606 Whose quim was nine inches across it.
3607 Said a young man named Tong,
3608 With tool nine inches long,
3609 "I'll put bugger-in if I loss it."
3611 There was a young man from Bear Ridge
3612 Who had strange ideas about marriage.
3613 He fucked his wife's mother
3614 And sucked off her brother
3615 And ate up her sister's miscarriage.
3617 There was a young man from Bel-Aire
3618 Who was screwing his girl on the stair.
3619 But the banister broke
3620 So he doubled his stroke
3621 And finished her off in mid-air.
3623 There was a young man from Biloxi
3624 Whose bowels responded to Moxie.
3625 Drinking glass after glass,
3626 He would tune up his ass,
3627 Till he played like the band at the Roxy.
3629 There was a young man from Bombay
3630 Who fashioned a cunt out of clay
3631 But the heat of his prick
3632 Turned it into a brick
3633 And rubbed all his foreskin away.
3635 There was a young man from Calcutta
3636 Who was heard in his beard to mutter,
3637 "If her Bartholin glands
3638 Don't respond to my hands,
3639 I'm afraid I shall have to use butter."
3641 There was a young man from Dallas
3642 Who had an exceptional phallus.
3643 He couldn't find room
3645 Without rubbing it first with Vitalis.
3647 There was a young man from Dundee
3648 Who buggered an ape in a tree.
3649 The results were quite horrid:
3650 All ass and no forehead,
3651 Three balls and a purple goatee.
3653 There was a young man from East Lizes
3654 Whose balls were of two different sizes
3656 It was no ball at all
3657 The other was large and won prizes.
3659 There was a young man from East Wubley
3660 Whose cock was bifurcated doubly.
3661 Each quadruplicate shaft
3662 Had two balls hanging aft,
3663 And the general effect was quite lovely.
3665 There was a young man from Hong Kong
3666 Who had a trifurcated prong:
3667 A small one for sucking,
3668 A large one for fucking,
3669 And a `boney' for beating a gong.
3671 There was a young man from Glengozzle
3672 Who found a remarkable fossil.
3674 And the wart on the end,
3675 'Twas the peter of Paul the Apostle.
3677 There was a young man from Jodhpur
3678 Who found he could easily cure
3681 Served up in a sauce of manure.
3683 There was a young man from Lynn
3684 Whose cock was the size of a pin.
3685 Said his girl with a laugh
3686 As she felt his staff,
3687 "This won't be much of a sin."
3689 There was a young man from Maine
3690 Whose prick was as strong as a crane;
3691 It was almost as long,
3692 So he strolled with his dong
3693 Extended in sunshine and rain.
3695 There was a young man from Nantucket
3696 Whose cock was so long he could suck it.
3697 But he looked in the glass,
3698 And saw his own ass,
3699 And broke his neck trying to fuck it.
3701 There was a young man from Nantucket
3702 Whose cock was so long he could suck it.
3703 He said with a grin,
3704 While wiping his chin,
3705 "If my ear was a cunt, I could fuck it."
3707 There was a young man from New Haven
3708 Who had an affair with a raven.
3710 As he wiped off his chin,
3713 There was a young man from Peru,
3714 Who took a long trip by canoe.
3715 While staring at Venus,
3716 And rubbing his penis,
3717 He wound up with a handful of goo.
3719 There was a young man from Purdue
3720 Who was only just learning to screw,
3721 But he hadn't the knack,
3722 And he got too far back --
3723 In the right church, but in the wrong pew.
3725 There was a young man from Racine
3726 Who invented a fucking machine.
3728 It served either sex,
3729 But oh what a bitch to keep clean.
3731 There was a young man from Rangoon
3732 Who used to lament 'neath the moon
3733 That he had the luck
3734 To be born of a fuck
3735 That was scraped off the sheets with a spoon.
3737 There was a young man from Salinas
3738 Who had an extremely long penis:
3740 When he lay on his cot
3741 It reached from Marin to Martinez.
3743 There was a young man from Seattle
3744 Whose testicles tended to rattle.
3745 He said as he fuck-ed
3746 Some stones in a bucket,
3747 "If Stravinsky won't deafen you -- that'll."
3749 There was a young man from Siam
3750 Who said, "I go in with a wham,
3751 But I soon lose my starch
3752 Like the mad month of March,
3753 And the lion comes out like a lamb."
3755 There was a young man from St. Paul's
3756 Who read "Harper's Bazaar" and "McCall's"
3757 Till he grew such a passion
3758 For feminine fashion
3759 That he knitted a snood for his balls.
3761 There was a young man from Stamboul
3762 Who boasted so torrid a tool
3763 That each female crater
3764 Explored by this satyr
3765 Seemed almost unpleasantly cool.
3767 There was a young man from the Coast
3768 Who had an affair with a ghost.
3769 At the height of orgasm
3770 Said the pallid phantasm,
3771 "I think I can feel it -- almost!"
3773 There was a young man from Tibet-
3774 And this is the strangest one yet-
3775 Whose tool was so long,
3776 So pointed and strong,
3777 He could bugger six Greeks "en brochette".
3779 There was a young man in Havana,
3780 Banged his girl on a player-piana.
3781 At the height of their fever
3782 Her ass hit the lever
3783 And: yes, he has no banana.
3785 There was a young man in Norway,
3786 Tried to jerk himself off in a sleigh,
3787 But the air was so frigid
3788 It froze his cock rigid,
3789 And all he could come was frappe.
3791 There was a young man in the choir
3792 Whose penis rose higher and higher,
3793 Till it reached such a height
3794 It was quite out of sight --
3795 But of course you know I'm a liar.
3797 There was a young man, name of Fred,
3798 Who spent every Thursday in bed;
3799 He lay with his feet
3800 Outside of the sheet,
3801 And the pillows on top of his head.
3804 There was a young man, name of Saul,
3805 Who was able to bounce either ball,
3806 He could stretch them and snap them,
3807 And juggle and clap them,
3808 Which earned him the plaudits of all.
3810 There was a young man named Crockett
3811 Whose balls got caught in a socket.
3812 His wife was a bitch
3813 So she threw the switch,
3814 And Crockett went off like a rocket.
3816 There was a young man named Hughes
3817 Who swore off all kinds of booze.
3818 He said, "When I'm muddled
3819 My senses get fuddled,
3820 And I pass up too many screws."
3822 There was a young man named Knute
3823 Who had warts all over his root.
3824 He put acid on these
3825 And now when he pees,
3826 He fingers the thing like a flute.
3828 There was a young man named Rex
3829 Who really was small for his sex.
3830 When tried for exposure
3831 The judge's disclosure
3832 Was "de minimus non curat lex."
3834 There was a young man named Zerubbabel
3835 Who had only one real, and one rubber ball.
3836 When they asked if his pleasure
3837 Was only half measure,
3838 He replied, "That is highly improbable."
3840 There was a young man named Zerubbabub
3841 Who belonged to the Block, Fuck & Bugger Club
3842 But the pride of his life
3843 Were the tits of his wife --
3844 One real, and one India-rubber bub.
3846 There was a young man of Arras
3847 Who stretched himself out on the grass,
3848 And with no little trouble,
3849 He bent himself double,
3850 And stuck his prick well up his ass.
3852 There was a young man of Australia
3853 Who went on a wild bacchanalia.
3856 And a bishop in fullest regalia.
3858 There was a young man of Belgrade
3859 Who remarked, "I'm a queer piece of trade.
3860 I will suck, without charge,
3861 Any cock, if it's large.
3862 If it's small, I expect to be paid."
3864 There was a young man of Belgrade
3865 Who slept with a girl in the trade.
3866 She said to him, "Jack,
3867 Try the hole in the back;
3868 The front one is badly decayed."
3870 There was a young man of Bengal
3871 Who swore he had only one ball,
3872 But two little bitches
3873 Unbuttoned his britches,
3874 And found he had no balls at all.
3876 There was a young man of Bombay
3877 Who buggered his dad once a day.
3878 He said, "I like, rather,
3879 Fucking my father --
3880 He's clean, and there's nothing to pay."
3882 There was a young man of Calcutta,
3883 Who tried to write "cunt" on a shutter.
3886 Knocked him ass-over-head in the gutter.
3888 There was a young man of Cape Horn
3889 Who wished he had never been born,
3890 And he wouldn't have been
3891 If his father had seen
3892 That the end of the rubber was torn.
3894 There was a young man of Coblenz
3895 Whose ballocks were simply immense:
3896 It took forty-four draymen,
3897 A priest and three laymen
3898 To carry them thither and thence.
3900 There was a young man of Darjeeling
3901 Whose cock reached up to the ceiling.
3902 In the electric light socket,
3903 He'd put it and rock it--
3904 Oh God! What a wonderful feeling!
3906 There was a young man of Devizes
3907 Whose balls were of different sizes.
3908 His tool when at ease,
3909 Hung down to his knees,
3910 Oh, what must it be when it rises!
3912 There was a young man of Devizes,
3913 Whose balls were of different sizes.
3915 It was nothing at all;
3916 The other took numerous prizes.
3918 There was a young man of Dumfries
3919 Who said to his girl, "If you please,
3920 It would give me great bliss
3921 If, while playing with this,
3922 You would pay some attention to these!"
3924 There was a young man of high station
3925 Who was found by a pious relation
3926 Making love in a ditch
3927 To -- I won't say a bitch --
3928 But a woman of no reputation.
3930 There was a young man of Khartoum,
3931 The strength of whose balls was his doom.
3932 So strong was his shootin',
3933 The third law of Newton
3934 Propelled the poor chap to the Moon.
3936 There was a young man of Khartoum
3937 Who lured a poor girl to her doom.
3938 He not only fucked her,
3939 But buggered and sucked her--
3940 And left her to pay for the room.
3942 There was a young man of Kutki
3943 Who could blink himself off with one eye.
3944 For a while though, he pined,
3945 When his organ declined
3946 To function, because of a stye.
3948 There was a young man of Lahore
3949 Whose prick was one inch and no more.
3950 It was all right for key-holes
3951 And little girl's pee-holes,
3952 But not worth a damn with a whore.
3954 There was a young man of Lake Placid
3955 Whose prick was lethargic and flaccid.
3956 When he wanted to sport
3957 He would have to resort
3958 To injections of sulphuric acid.
3960 There was a young man of Madras
3961 Whose balls were constructed of brass.
3962 When jangled together
3963 They played "Stormy Weather",
3964 And lightning shot out of his ass.
3966 There was a young man of Missouri
3967 Who fucked with a terrible fury.
3968 Till hauled into court
3969 For his beastial sport,
3970 And condemned by a poorly-hung jury.
3972 There was a young man of Natal
3973 And Sue was the name of his gal.
3974 One day, north of Aden,
3975 He got his hard rod in,
3976 And came clear up Suez Canal.
3978 There was a young man of Natal
3979 Who was fucking a Hottentot gal.
3980 Said she, "You're a sluggard!"
3981 Said he, "You be buggered!
3982 I like to fuck slow and I shall."
3984 There was a young man of Ostend
3985 Who let a girl play with his end.
3986 She took hold of Rover,
3987 And felt it all over,
3988 And it did what she didn't intend.
3990 There was a young man of Ostend
3991 Whose wife caught him fucking her friend.
3992 "It's no use, my duck,
3993 Interrupting our fuck,
3994 For I'm damned if I draw till I spend."
3996 There was a young man of Saskatchewan,
3997 Whose penis was truly gargantuan.
3998 It was good for large whores,
3999 And for small dinosaurs,
4000 And was rough enough to scratch a match upon.
4002 There was a young man of Seattle
4003 Who bested a bull in a battle.
4004 With fire and gumption
4005 He assumed the bull's function,
4006 And deflowered a whole herd of cattle.
4008 There was a young man of St. John's
4009 Who wanted to bugger the swans.
4010 But the loyal hall porter
4011 Said, "Pray take my daughter!
4012 Those birds are reserved for the dons."
4014 There was a young man of Tibet
4015 -- And this is the strangest one yet --
4016 His prick was so long,
4017 And so pointed and strong,
4018 He could bugger six sheep en brochette.
4020 There was a young man of Toulouse
4021 Who had a deficient prepuce,
4022 But the foreskin he lacked
4023 He made up in his sac;
4024 The result was, his balls were too loose.
4026 There was a young man who appeared
4027 To his friends with a full growth of beard;
4028 They at once said, "Although
4029 We can't say why it's so,
4030 The effect is uncommonly weird."
4033 There was a young man who said "God,
4034 I find it exceedingly odd,
4035 That the willow oak tree
4037 When there's no one about in the Quad."
4039 "Dear Sir, your astonishment's odd,
4040 For I'm always about in the Quad;
4041 And that's why the tree,
4043 Signed "Yours faithfully, God."
4045 There was a young man with a fiddle
4046 Who asked of his girl, "Do you diddle?"
4047 She replied, "Yes, I do,
4048 But prefer to with two --
4049 It's twice as much fun in the middle."
4051 There was a young man with a prick
4052 Which into his wife he would stick
4053 Every morning and night
4054 If it stood up all right --
4055 Not a very remarkable trick.
4057 His wife had a nice little cunt:
4058 It was hairy, and soft, and in front,
4059 And with this she would fuck him,
4060 Though sometimes she'd suck him --
4061 A charming, if commonplace, stunt.
4063 There was a young man with one foot
4064 Who had a very long root.
4067 Is a question exceedingly moot.
4069 There was a young miss from Johore
4070 Who'd lie on a mat on the floor;
4072 She'd wobble her fanny,
4073 And drain your nuts dry to the core.
4075 There was a young monk from Siberia
4076 Whose life got drearia' and drearia'
4077 Till he did to a nun
4078 What shouldn't be done
4079 And made her a mother superia'.
4081 There was a young monk from Tibet
4082 And this is the damnedest one yet
4083 His cock was so long
4084 And incredibly strong
4085 That he buggered six Greeks en brochette.
4087 There was a young monk in Siberia,
4088 Whose morals were very inferior,
4090 Which he shouldn't have done,
4091 And now she's a Mother Superior.
4093 There was a young monk of Dundee
4094 Who complained that it hurt him to pee,
4095 He said, "Pax vobiscum,
4096 Now why won't the piss come?
4097 I'm afraid I've the c-l-a-p."
4099 There was a young parson of Harwich,
4100 Tried to grind his betrothed in a carriage.
4101 She said, "No, you young goose,
4102 Just try self-abuse.
4103 And the other we'll try after marriage."
4105 There was a young peasant named Gorse
4106 Who fell madly in love with his horse.
4107 Said his wife, "You rapscallion,
4108 That horse is a stallion --
4109 This constitutes grounds for divorce."
4111 There was a young person of Kent
4112 Who was famous wherever he went.
4113 All the way through a fuck,
4114 He would quack like a duck,
4115 And he crowed like a cock when he spent.
4117 There was a young physicist named Fisk
4118 Whose lovemaking was rather brisk.
4119 So quick was his action,
4120 The Lorentz Contraction
4121 Shortened his rod to a disc!
4123 There was a young plumber named Lee
4124 Who was plumbing his girl by the sea.
4125 She said, "Stop your plumbing,
4126 There's somebody coming"
4127 Said the plumber, still plumbing, "It's me."
4129 There was a young poet named Dan,
4130 Whose poetry never would scan.
4131 When told this was so,
4132 He said, "Yes, I know,
4133 It's because I try to put every possible syllable into that last line that I can."
4135 There was a young royal marine,
4136 Who tried to fart "God Save the Queen".
4137 When he reached the soprano
4139 And his britches weren't fit to be seen.
4141 There was a young sailor from Brighton,
4142 Who remarked to his girl, "You're a tight one."
4143 She replied, "'Pon my soul,
4144 You're in the wrong hole;
4145 There's plenty of room in the right one."
4147 There was a young sapphic named Anna
4148 Who stuffed her friend's cunt with banana,
4149 Which she sucked, bit by bit,
4150 From her partner's warm slit,
4151 In the most approved lesbian manner.
4153 There was a young Scot in Madrid
4154 Who got fifty-five fucks for a quid.
4155 When they said, "Are you faint?"
4156 He replied, "No, I ain't,
4157 But I don't feel as good as I did."
4159 There was a young soldier from Munich
4160 Whose penis hung down past his tunic,
4161 And their chops girls would lick
4162 When they thought of his prick,
4163 But alas! he was only a eunuch.
4165 There was a young sportsman named Peel
4166 Who went for a trip on his wheel;
4168 Through crepuscular haze,
4169 And returned feeling somewhat unreal.
4172 There was a young squaw of Wohunt
4173 Who possessed a collapsible cunt.
4174 It had many odd uses,
4175 Produced no papooses,
4176 And fitted both giant and runt.
4178 There was a young student from Yale
4179 Who was getting his first piece of tail.
4180 He shoved in his pole,
4181 But in the wrong hole,
4182 And a voice from beneath yelled: "No sale!"
4184 There was a young trollop at Yale,
4185 Who had verses tattooed on her tail,
4187 For the sake of the blind,
4188 A duplicate version in Braille.
4190 There was a young woman called Pearl
4191 Who quite resembled a churl;
4192 When she asked a young man named Tex
4193 Whether he would like to have sex,
4194 "Certainly," quoth he, "Who's the girl?"
4196 There was a young woman from Bude,
4197 Who went for a swim in the nude,
4198 But a man in a punt,
4199 Grabbed at her elbow,
4200 And said "Hey, lady, you can't swim here, it's private property."
4202 There was a young woman in Dee
4203 Who stayed with each man she did see.
4204 When it came to a test
4205 She wished to be best,
4206 And practice makes perfect, you see.
4208 There was a young woman named Alice
4209 Who peed in a Catholic chalice.
4210 She said, "I do this
4211 From a great need to piss,
4212 And not from sectarian malice."
4214 There was a young woman named Ells
4215 Who was subject to curious spells
4216 When got up very oddly,
4217 She'd cry out things ungodly
4218 by the palms in expensive hotels.
4221 There was a young woman named Florence
4222 Who for fucking professed an abhorrence,
4223 But they found her in bed
4224 With her cunt flaming red,
4225 And her poodle-dog spending in torrents.
4227 There was a young woman named Plunnery
4228 Who rejoiced in the practice of gunnery.
4229 Till one day unobservant,
4230 She blew up a servant,
4231 And was forced to retire to a nunnery.
4234 There was a young woman named Sutton
4235 Who said, as she carved up the mutton,
4236 "My father preferred
4237 The last sheep in the herd --
4238 This is one of his children I'm cuttin'."
4240 There was a young woman of Cheadle,
4241 Who once gave the clap to a beadle.
4242 Said she, "Does it itch?"
4243 "It does, you damned bitch,
4244 And it burns like hell-fire when I peedle."
4246 There was a young woman of Condover
4247 Whose husband had ceased to be fond of 'er.
4248 Her pussy was juicy,
4249 Her arse soft and goosey,
4250 But peroxide had now made a blonde of 'er.
4252 There was a young woman of Croft
4253 Who played with herself in a loft,
4254 Having reasoned that candles
4255 Could never cause scandals,
4256 Besides which they did not go soft.
4258 Said another young woman of Croft,
4259 Amusing herself in the loft,
4261 Is what I'd choose first --
4262 With bologna you know you've been boffed."
4264 There was a young woman, quite handsome,
4265 Who got stuck in a sleeping room transom.
4266 When she offered much gold
4267 For release, she was told
4268 That the view was worth more than the ransom.
4270 There was a young woman whose stammer
4271 Was atrocious, and so was her grammar;
4272 But they were not improved
4273 When her husband was moved
4274 To knock out her teeth with a hammer.
4277 There was an old abbess quite shocked
4278 To find nuns where the candles were locked.
4279 Said the abbess, "You nuns
4280 Should behave more like guns,
4281 And never go off till you're cocked."
4283 There was an old bishop from Buckingham
4284 Who fell in love with some oysters while shucking 'em.
4285 His wife with distain
4286 Could scarcely restrain
4287 That sprightly old bishop from * * *.
4289 There was an old count of Swoboda
4290 Who would not pay a whore what he owed her.
4291 So, with great savoir-faire,
4292 She stood on a chair
4293 And pissed in his whiskey-and-soda.
4295 There was an old curate of Hestion
4296 Who'd erect at the slightest suggestion.
4297 But so small was his tool
4298 He could scarce screw a spool,
4299 And a cunt was quite out of the question.
4301 There was an old fellow named Art
4302 Who awoke with a horrible start,
4303 For down by his rump
4305 Of what should have been just a fart.
4307 There was an old fellow named Skinner
4308 Whose prick, his wife said, had grown thinner.
4309 But still, by and large,
4310 It would always discharge
4311 Once he could just get it in her.
4313 There was an old feminine blighter
4314 Who trained a Chow dog to delight her.
4315 She would cream her own pool
4316 While she sucked off his tool --
4317 How his cock in her cunt would excite her!
4319 There was an old gent from Kentuck
4320 Who boasted a filigreed schmuck,
4322 For fear that one day
4323 He might put it in and get stuck.
4325 There was an old girl of Kilkenny
4326 Whose usual charge was a penny.
4327 For half of that sum
4328 You could finger her bum--
4329 A source of amusement to many.
4331 There was an old harlot from Dijon
4332 Who in her old age got religion.
4333 "When I'm dead & gone,"
4334 Said she, "I'll take on
4335 The Father, the Son, and the Pigeon."
4337 There was an old lady of Bingly
4338 Who wailed, "I do hate to sleep singly.
4340 A bloke for my twat,
4341 But he seems rather queenly than kingly."
4343 There was an old lady of Glascow,
4344 Whose party proved quite a fiasco.
4345 At nine-thirty, about,
4346 The lights all went out,
4347 Through a lapse on the part of the Gas Co.
4349 There was an old lady of Kewry
4350 Whose cunt was a `lusus naturae':
4351 The `introitus vaginae',
4352 Was unnaturally tiny,
4353 And the thought of it filled her with fury.
4355 There was an old lady who lay
4356 With her legs wide apart in the hay,
4357 Then, calling the ploughman,
4358 She said, "Do it now, man!
4359 Don't wait till your hair has turned gray."
4361 There was an old maid from Cape Cod
4362 Who thought all good things came from god.
4363 But it wasn't the almighty
4364 Who lifted her nighty,
4365 It was Roger, the lodger, by god.
4367 There was an old man from Bengal
4368 Who liked to do tricks in the hall.
4370 Was to stand on his dick
4371 While he rolled around on one ball.
4373 There was an old man from Fort Drum
4374 Whose son was incredibly dumb.
4375 When he urged him ahead,
4376 He went down instead,
4377 For he thought to succeed meant succumb.
4379 There was an old man of Alsace
4380 Who played the trombone with his ass.
4382 To take out the crap,
4383 But the vapors corroded the brass.
4385 There was an old man of Brienz
4386 The length of whose cock was immense:
4387 With one swerve he could plug
4388 A boy's bottom in Zug,
4389 And a kitchen-maid's cunt in Coblenz.
4391 There was an old man of Cajon
4392 Who never could get a good bone.
4393 With the aid of a gland
4394 It grew simply grand;
4395 Now his wife cannot leave it alone.
4397 There was an old man of Calcutta
4398 Who spied through a chink in the shutter.
4399 But all he could see
4400 Was his wife's bare knee,
4401 And the back of the bloke who was up her.
4403 There was an old man of Connaught
4404 Whose prick was remarkably short.
4405 When he got into bed,
4407 "This isn't a prick, it's a wart."
4409 There was an old man of Duddee
4410 Who came home as drunk as could be.
4411 He wound up the clock
4412 With the end of his cock,
4413 And buggered his wife with the key.
4415 There was an old man of Duluth
4416 Whose cock was shot off in his youth.
4417 He fucked with his nose
4418 And with fingers and toes,
4419 And he came through a hole in his tooth.
4421 There was an old man of Hong Kong
4422 Who never did anything wrong.
4423 He would lie on his back
4424 With his head in a sack
4425 And secretly finger his dong.
4427 There was an old man of St. Bees,
4428 Who was stung in the arm by a wasp.
4429 When asked, "Does it hurt?"
4430 He replied, "No, it doesn't.
4431 I'm so glad that it wasn't a hornet."
4434 There was an old man of Tagore
4435 Whose tool was a yard long or more,
4436 So he wore the damn thing
4438 To keep it from wiping the floor.
4440 There was an Old Man of the Mountain
4441 Who frigged himself into a fountain
4442 Fifteen times had he spent,
4443 Still he wasn't content,
4444 He simply got tired of the counting.
4446 There was an old man who said, "Tush!
4447 My balls always hang in the brush,
4449 Half in and half out,
4450 With a pecker as limber as mush."
4452 There was an old man with a beard
4453 Who said, "It is just what I feared!
4455 Four larks and a wren
4456 Have all built their nests in my beard!"
4458 There was an old person of Ware
4459 Who had an affair with a bear.
4460 He explained, "I don't mind,
4461 For it's gentle and kind,
4462 But I wish it had slightly less hair."
4464 There was an old pirate named Bates
4465 Who was learning to rhumba on skates
4466 He fell on his cutlass
4467 Which rendered him nutless
4468 And practically useless on dates.
4470 There was an old satyr named Mack
4471 Whose prick had a left handed tack.
4472 If the ladies he loves
4473 Don't spin when he shoves,
4474 Their cervixes frequently crack.
4476 There was an old Scot named McTavish
4477 Who attempted an anthropoid ravish.
4479 Was the wrong sex of ape,
4480 And the anthropoid ravished McTavish.
4482 There was an old whore from Silesia
4483 Who'd croak: "If my box doesn't please ya,
4484 For a slight extra sum
4485 You can go up my bum
4486 But watchout or my tapeworm'll seize ya."
4488 There was an old whore in the Azores
4489 Whose body was covered with festers & sores.
4490 Why the dogs in the street
4491 Wouldn't eat the green meat
4492 That hung in festoons from her drawers.
4494 There was an old woman of Ghent
4495 Who swore that her cunt had no scent.
4496 She got fucked so often
4497 At last she got rotten,
4498 And didn't she stink when she spent.
4500 There was once a mechanic named Bench
4501 Whose best tool was a sturdy gut-wrench.
4502 With this vibrant device
4503 He could reach, in a trice,
4504 The innermost parts of a wench.
4506 There were three ladies of Huxham,
4507 And whenever we meets 'em we fucks 'em,
4508 And when that game grows stale
4510 And pulls out our pricks and they sucks 'em.
4512 There were three young ladies of Birmingham,
4513 And this is the scandal concerning 'em.
4514 They lifted the frock
4515 And tickled the cock
4516 Of the Bishop engaged in confirming 'em.
4518 Now, the Bishop was nobody's fool,
4519 He'd been to a good public school,
4520 So he took down their britches
4521 And buggered those bitches
4522 With his ten-inch episcopal tool.
4524 Then up spoke a lady from Kew,
4525 And said, as the Bishop withdrew,
4526 "The vicar is quicker
4527 And thicker and slicker,
4528 And longer and stronger than you."
4529 -- Abuses of the Clergy
4531 There's a charming young girl in Tobruk
4532 Who refers to her quiff as a nook.
4533 It's deep and it's wide,
4534 -- You can curl up inside
4535 With a nice easy chair and a book.
4537 There's a charming young lady named Beaulieu
4538 Who's often been screwed by yours truly,
4539 But now--it's appallin'--
4540 My balls always fall in!
4541 I fear that I've fucked her unduly.
4543 There's a dowager near Sweden Landing
4544 Whose manners are odd and demanding.
4545 It's one of her jests
4546 To suck off her guests --
4547 She hates to keep gentlemen standing.
4549 There's a lovely young lady named Shittlecock
4550 Who loves to play diddle and fiddle-cock,
4551 But her cunt's got a pucker
4552 That's best not to fuck, or
4553 When least you expect it to, it'll lock.
4555 There's a rather odd couple in Herts
4556 Who are cousins (or so each asserts);
4557 Their sex is in doubt
4558 For they're never without
4559 Their moustaches and long, trailing skirts.
4562 There's a sports-minded coed named Sue,
4563 Who's been coxing the varsity crew.
4564 In the shell Sue is great,
4565 But her boyfriend's irate,
4566 When she calls out the stroke as they screw.
4568 There's a tavern in London that's staffed,
4569 By a barmaid who's tops at her craft:
4570 In her striving to please,
4571 She serves ale on her knees,
4572 So the patrons get head with their draft.
4574 There's a very hot babe at the Aggies
4575 Who's to men what to bulls a red rag is.
4576 The seniors go round
4577 Hanging down to the ground,
4578 And one extra-large Soph has to drag his.
4580 There's a vicar who's classed as nefarious,
4581 Since his shocking perversions are various...
4582 He will bugger some lad
4583 With a dildo (the cad!)
4584 While exulting, "My pleasure's vicarious!"
4586 There's a young Yiddish slut with two cunts,
4587 Whose pleasure in life is to pruntz.
4588 When one pireg is shot,
4589 There's that alternate twat,
4590 But the ausgefuckt male merely grunts.
4592 There's an oversexed lady named Whyte
4593 Who insists on a dozen a night.
4594 A fellow named Cheddar
4595 Had the brashness to wed her-
4596 His chance of survival is slight.
4598 There's an unbroken babe from Toronto,
4599 Exceedingly hard to get onto,
4600 But when you get there,
4601 And have parted the hair,
4602 You can fuck her as much as you want to.
4604 They had come in the fugue to the stretto
4605 When a dark, bearded man from a ghetto
4606 Slipped forward and grabbed
4607 Her tresses and stabbed
4608 Her to death with a rusty stiletto.
4611 Though his plan, when he gave her a buzz,
4612 Was to do what man normally does,
4613 She declared, "I'm a Soul-
4615 So he shrugged and called someone who was.
4617 Though most of the crewmen are whites,
4618 Uhura has full equal rights.
4619 Her crewmates, you see,
4621 And the way that she fills out her tights.
4623 Though the invalid Saint of Brac
4624 Lay all of his life on his back,
4625 His wife got her share,
4626 And the pilgrims now stare
4627 At the scene, in his shrine, on a plaque.
4629 'Tis a custom in Castellamare
4630 To fuck in the back of a lorry.
4631 The chassis and springs
4632 Are like woodwinds and strings
4633 In the midst of a musical soiree.
4635 To a weepy young woman in Thrums
4636 Her betrothed remarked, "This is what comes
4637 Of allowing your tears
4638 To fall into my ears -
4639 I think they have rotted the drums."
4642 To bear offspring, Noah's snakes were unable.
4643 Their fertility was somewhat unstable.
4644 He constructed a bed
4645 Out of tree trunks and said,
4646 "Even adders can multiply on a log table."
4648 To his bride a young bridegroom said, "Pish!
4649 Your cunt is as big as a dish!"
4650 She replied, "Why, you fool,
4651 With your limp little tool
4652 It's like driving a nail with a fish!"
4654 To his bride said a numskull named Clarence:
4655 "I trust you will show some forbearance.
4657 I picked up from rabbits,
4658 And occasionally watching my parents."
4660 To his bride said economist Fife:
4661 "The semen you'll launch as my wife,
4662 We will salvage and freeze
4663 To resemble goat's cheese,
4664 And slice for hors d'oeuvres with a knife."
4666 To his bride, said the sharp eyed detective,
4667 "Can it be that my eyesight's defective?
4668 Is your east tit the least bit
4669 The best of your west tit,
4670 Or is it a trick of perspective?"
4672 To his clubfooted child said Lord Stipple,
4673 As he poured his post-prandial tipple,
4674 "Your mother's behaviour
4675 Gave pain to Our Saviour,
4676 And that's why He made you a cripple."
4679 Two anglers were fishing off Wight
4680 And his bobber was dipping all night.
4681 Murmured she, with a laugh,
4682 "It's ready to gaff,
4683 But don't break your rod which is light."
4685 A couple was fishing near Clombe
4686 When the maid began looking quite glum,
4687 And said, "Bother the fish!
4689 Which they did -- which was why they had come.
4691 As two consular clerks in Madras
4692 Fished, hidden in deep shore-grass,
4693 "What a marvelous pole,"
4694 Said she, "but control
4695 Your sinkers -- they're banging my ass."
4697 Two eager young men from Cawnpore
4698 Once buggered and fucked the same whore.
4699 But her partition split
4700 And the blood and the shit
4701 Rolled out in a mess on the floor.
4703 Two roosters in one of our pens
4704 Found their pricks were no larger than wens.
4705 As they looked at their foreskins
4706 And wished they had more skins,
4707 They discovered they'd both become hens.
4709 Under the spreading chestnut tree
4710 The village smith he sat,
4713 And catching the load in his hat.
4715 Une joile epousetta a Tours
4716 Voulait de gig-gig tous le jours.
4717 Mais le mari disait, "Non!
4718 De trop n'est pas bon!
4719 Mon derriere exige du secours!"
4721 Visas erat: huic geminarum
4722 Dispar modus testicularum:
4725 Jam fecerat altera clarum.
4727 We dedicate this to the cunt,
4728 The kind the broad-minded guys hunt:
4729 All hail to the twat,
4730 Willing, thrilling, and hot,
4731 That wears peckers down, limp and blunt!
4733 When I was a baby, my penis
4734 Was as white as the buttocks of Venus.
4736 As her nipples instead--
4737 All because of the feminine genus!
4739 When they asked a pert baggage name Alice,
4740 Who'd been bedded and banged in the palace,
4741 "Was he modest or vain?"
4742 "Was he regal or plain?"
4743 She replied, "He's a jolly good phallus!"
4745 When you fuck little Annie in Anza
4746 You get a great bosom bonanza:
4747 Sucking Annie's soft tits
4748 Makes her throw fifty fits,
4749 And the fuck is a sextravaganza!
4751 While his duchess lay practically dead,
4752 The Duke of Daguerrodargue said:
4753 "Can it be this is all?
4754 How puny! How small!
4755 Have destroyed this disgrace to my bed."
4758 While I, with my usual enthusiasm,
4759 Was exploring in Ermintrude's busiasm,
4760 She explained, "They are flat,
4761 But think nothing of that --
4762 You will find that my sweet sister Susiasm."
4764 While out on a date in his Fiat,
4765 The man exclaimed "Where's my key at?"
4766 As he bent down to seek,
4767 She let out a shriek:
4768 "That's not where it's likely to be at."
4770 While spending the winter at Pau
4771 Lady Pamela forgot to say "No."
4772 So the head-porter made her
4773 And the second-cook laid her;
4774 The waiters were all hanging low.
4776 While Titian was mixing rose madder,
4777 His model reclined on a ladder.
4778 Her position to Titian
4780 So he leapt up the ladder and had 'er.
4782 While traveling in farthest Tibet,
4783 Lord Irongate found cause to regret
4784 The buttered-up tea,
4786 And the frivolous tourists he met.
4789 Winter is here with his grouch,
4790 The time when you sneeze and you slouch.
4791 You can't take your women
4792 Canoein' or swimmin',
4793 But a lot can be done on a couch.
4795 With his penis in turgid erection,
4796 And aimed at woman's mid-section,
4797 Man looks most uncouth
4798 In that Moment of Truth,
4799 But she sheathes it with loving affection.
4801 You Women's Lib gals won't agree,
4802 But dependent on men you must be:
4804 With a rod firm and trim,
4805 To puggle your water-drains free!
4807 Young Frederick the great was a beaut.
4808 To a guard he cried, "Hey, man, you're cute.
4809 If you'll come to my palace,
4810 I'll finger your phallus,
4811 And then I shall blow on your flute."
4813 You've heard of the bishop of Birmingham,
4814 Well, here's the new story concerning 'im:
4815 He buggers the choir
4816 As they sing "Ave Maria,"
4817 And fucks all the girls whilst confirming 'em.