| blob | 95c3329708299b6c2502b0db2941a2b31ad3f456 |
1 Scene 1
3 [wind]
4 [clop clop]
5 ARTHUR: Whoa there!
6 [clop clop]
8 GUARD #1: Halt! Who goes there?
9 ARTHUR: It is I, Arthur, son of Uther Pendragon, from the castle
10 of Camelot. King of the Britons, defeator of the Saxons, sovereign
11 of all England!
12 GUARD #1: Pull the other one!
13 ARTHUR: I am. And this my trusty servant Patsy.
14 We have ridden the length and breadth of the land in search of knights
15 who will join me in my court of Camelot. I must speak with your lord
16 and master.
17 GUARD #1: What, ridden on a horse?
18 ARTHUR: Yes!
19 GUARD #1: You're using coconuts!
20 ARTHUR: What?
21 GUARD #1: You've got two empty halves of coconut and you're bangin'
22 'em together.
23 ARTHUR: So? We have ridden since the snows of winter covered this
24 land, through the kingdom of Mercea, through--
25 GUARD #1: Where'd you get the coconut?
26 ARTHUR: We found them.
27 GUARD #1: Found them? In Mercea? The coconut's tropical!
28 ARTHUR: What do you mean?
29 GUARD #1: Well, this is a temperate zone.
30 ARTHUR: The swallow may fly south with the sun or the house martin
31 or the plumber may seek warmer climes in winter yet these are not
32 strangers to our land.
33 GUARD #1: Are you suggesting coconuts migrate?
34 ARTHUR: Not at all, they could be carried.
35 GUARD #1: What -- a swallow carrying a coconut?
36 ARTHUR: It could grip it by the husk!
37 GUARD #1: It's not a question of where he grips it! It's a simple
38 question of weight ratios! A five ounce bird could not carry a 1 pound
39 coconut.
40 ARTHUR: Well, it doesn't matter. Will you go and tell your master
41 that Arthur from the Court of Camelot is here.
42 GUARD #1: Listen, in order to maintain air-speed velocity, a swallow
43 needs to beat its wings 43 times every second, right?
44 ARTHUR: Please!
45 GUARD #1: Am I right?
46 ARTHUR: I'm not interested!
47 GUARD #2: It could be carried by an African swallow!
48 GUARD #1: Oh, yeah, an African swallow maybe, but not a European
49 swallow, that's my point.
50 GUARD #2: Oh, yeah, I agree with that...
51 ARTHUR: Will you ask your master if he wants to join my court
52 at Camelot?!
53 GUARD #1: But then of course African swallows are not migratory.
54 GUARD #2: Oh, yeah...
55 GUARD #1: So they couldn't bring a coconut back anyway...
56 [clop clop]
57 GUARD #2: Wait a minute -- supposing two swallows carried it together?
58 GUARD #1: No, they'd have to have it on a line.
59 GUARD #2: Well, simple! They'd just use a standard creeper!
60 GUARD #1: What, held under the dorsal guiding feathers?
61 GUARD #2: Well, why not?
62 %
63 Scene 2
65 MORTICIAN: Bring out your dead!
66 [clang]
67 Bring out your dead!
68 [clang]
69 Bring out your dead!
70 [clang]
71 Bring out your dead!
72 [clang]
73 Bring out your dead!
74 [clang]
75 Bring out your dead!
76 [clang]
77 Bring out your dead!
78 [clang]
79 Bring out your dead!
80 [clang]
81 Bring out your dead!
82 [clang]
83 Bring out your dead!
84 [clang]
85 Bring out your dead!
86 [clang]
87 Bring out your dead!
88 CUSTOMER: Here's one -- nine pence.
89 DEAD PERSON: I'm not dead!
90 MORTICIAN: What?
91 CUSTOMER: Nothing -- here's your nine pence.
92 DEAD PERSON: I'm not dead!
93 MORTICIAN: Here -- he says he's not dead!
94 CUSTOMER: Yes, he is.
95 DEAD PERSON: I'm not!
96 MORTICIAN: He isn't.
97 CUSTOMER: Well, he will be soon, he's very ill.
98 DEAD PERSON: I'm getting better!
99 CUSTOMER: No, you're not -- you'll be stone dead in a moment.
100 MORTICIAN: Oh, I can't take him like that -- it's against regulations.
101 DEAD PERSON: I don't want to go in the cart!
102 CUSTOMER: Oh, don't be such a baby.
103 MORTICIAN: I can't take him...
104 DEAD PERSON: I feel fine!
105 CUSTOMER: Oh, do us a favor...
106 MORTICIAN: I can't.
107 CUSTOMER: Well, can you hang around a couple of minutes? He won't
108 be long.
109 MORTICIAN: Naaah, I got to go on to Robinson's -- they've lost nine
110 today.
111 CUSTOMER: Well, when is your next round?
112 MORTICIAN: Thursday.
113 DEAD PERSON: I think I'll go for a walk.
114 CUSTOMER: You're not fooling anyone y'know. Look, isn't there
115 something you can do?
116 DEAD PERSON: I feel happy... I feel happy.
117 [whop]
118 CUSTOMER: Ah, thanks very much.
119 MORTICIAN: Not at all. See you on Thursday.
120 CUSTOMER: Right.
121 [clop clop]
122 MORTICIAN: Who's that then?
123 CUSTOMER: I don't know.
124 MORTICIAN: Must be a king.
125 CUSTOMER: Why?
126 MORTICIAN: He hasn't got shit all over him.
127 %
128 Scene 3
130 [clop clop]
131 ARTHUR: Old woman!
132 DENNIS: Man!
133 ARTHUR: Old Man, sorry. What knight live in that castle over there?
134 DENNIS: I'm thirty seven.
135 ARTHUR: What?
136 DENNIS: I'm thirty seven -- I'm not old!
137 ARTHUR: Well, I can't just call you `Man'.
138 DENNIS: Well, you could say `Dennis'.
139 ARTHUR: Well, I didn't know you were called `Dennis.'
140 DENNIS: Well, you didn't bother to find out, did you?
141 ARTHUR: I did say sorry about the `old woman,' but from the behind
142 you looked--
143 DENNIS: What I object to is you automatically treat me like an inferior!
144 ARTHUR: Well, I AM king...
145 DENNIS: Oh king, eh, very nice. An' how'd you get that, eh? By
146 exploitin' the workers -- by 'angin' on to outdated imperialist dogma
147 which perpetuates the economic an' social differences in our society!
148 If there's ever going to be any progress--
149 WOMAN: Dennis, there's some lovely filth down here. Oh -- how d'you do?
150 ARTHUR: How do you do, good lady. I am Arthur, King of the Britons.
151 Who's castle is that?
152 WOMAN: King of the who?
153 ARTHUR: The Britons.
154 WOMAN: Who are the Britons?
155 ARTHUR: Well, we all are. we're all Britons and I am your king.
156 WOMAN: I didn't know we had a king. I thought we were an autonomous
157 collective.
158 DENNIS: You're fooling yourself. We're living in a dictatorship.
159 A self-perpetuating autocracy in which the working classes--
160 WOMAN: Oh there you go, bringing class into it again.
161 DENNIS: That's what it's all about if only people would--
162 ARTHUR: Please, please good people. I am in haste. Who lives
163 in that castle?
164 WOMAN: No one live there.
165 ARTHUR: Then who is your lord?
166 WOMAN: We don't have a lord.
167 ARTHUR: What?
168 DENNIS: I told you. We're an anarcho-syndicalist commune. We take
169 it in turns to act as a sort of executive officer for the week.
170 ARTHUR: Yes.
171 DENNIS: But all the decision of that officer have to be ratified
172 at a special biweekly meeting.
173 ARTHUR: Yes, I see.
174 DENNIS: By a simple majority in the case of purely internal affairs,--
175 ARTHUR: Be quiet!
176 DENNIS: --but by a two-thirds majority in the case of more--
177 ARTHUR: Be quiet! I order you to be quiet!
178 WOMAN: Order, eh -- who does he think he is?
179 ARTHUR: I am your king!
180 WOMAN: Well, I didn't vote for you.
181 ARTHUR: You don't vote for kings.
182 WOMAN: Well, 'ow did you become king then?
183 ARTHUR: The Lady of the Lake,
184 [angels sing]
185 her arm clad in the purest shimmering samite, held aloft Excalibur
186 from the bosom of the water signifying by Divine Providence that I,
187 Arthur, was to carry Excalibur.
188 [singing stops]
189 That is why I am your king!
190 DENNIS: Listen -- strange women lying in ponds distributing swords
191 is no basis for a system of government. Supreme executive power
192 derives from a mandate from the masses, not from some farcical
193 aquatic ceremony.
194 ARTHUR: Be quiet!
195 DENNIS: Well you can't expect to wield supreme executive power
196 just 'cause some watery tart threw a sword at you!
197 ARTHUR: Shut up!
198 DENNIS: I mean, if I went around sayin' I was an empereror just
199 because some moistened bint had lobbed a scimitar at me they'd
200 put me away!
201 ARTHUR: Shut up! Will you shut up!
202 DENNIS: Ah, now we see the violence inherent in the system.
203 ARTHUR: Shut up!
204 DENNIS: Oh! Come and see the violence inherent in the system!
205 HELP! HELP! I'm being repressed!
206 ARTHUR: Bloody peasant!
207 DENNIS: Oh, what a give away. Did you here that, did you here that,
208 eh? That's what I'm on about -- did you see him repressing me,
209 you saw it didn't you?
210 %
211 Scene 4
213 [arg]
214 [ugh]
215 [hah]
217 ARTHUR: You fight with the strength of many men, Sir knight.
218 I am Arthur, King of the Britons.
219 [pause]
220 I seek the finest and the bravest knights in the land to join me
221 in my Court of Camelot.
222 [pause]
223 You have proved yourself worthy; will you join me?
224 [pause]
225 You make me sad. So be it. Come, Patsy.
226 BLACK KNIGHT: None shall pass.
227 ARTHUR: What?
228 BLACK KNIGHT: None shall pass.
229 ARTHUR: I have no quarrel with you, good Sir knight, but I must
230 cross this bridge.
231 BLACK KNIGHT: Then you shall die.
232 ARTHUR: I command you as King of the Britons to stand aside!
233 BLACK KNIGHT: I move for no man.
234 ARTHUR: So be it!
235 [hah]
236 [parry thrust]
237 [ARTHUR chops the BLACK KNIGHT's left arm off]
238 ARTHUR: Now stand aside, worthy adversary.
239 BLACK KNIGHT: 'Tis but a scratch.
240 ARTHUR: A scratch? Your arm's off!
241 BLACK KNIGHT: No, it isn't.
242 ARTHUR: Well, what's that then?
243 BLACK KNIGHT: I've had worse.
244 ARTHUR: You liar!
245 BLACK KNIGHT: Come on you pansy!
246 [hah]
247 [parry thrust]
248 [ARTHUR chops the BLACK KNIGHT's right arm off]
249 ARTHUR: Victory is mine!
250 [kneeling]
251 We thank thee Lord, that in thy merc-
252 [hah]
253 BLACK KNIGHT: Come on then.
254 ARTHUR: What?
255 BLACK KNIGHT: Have at you!
256 ARTHUR: You are indeed brave, Sir knight, but the fight is mine.
257 BLACK KNIGHT: Oh, had enough, eh?
258 ARTHUR: Look, you stupid bastard, you've got no arms left.
259 BLACK KNIGHT: Yes I have.
260 ARTHUR: Look!
261 BLACK KNIGHT: Just a flesh wound.
262 [bang]
263 ARTHUR: Look, stop that.
264 BLACK KNIGHT: Chicken! Chicken!
265 ARTHUR: Look, I'll have your leg. Right!
266 [whop]
267 BLACK KNIGHT: Right, I'll do you for that!
268 ARTHUR: You'll what?
269 BLACK KNIGHT: Come 'ere!
270 ARTHUR: What are you going to do, bleed on me?
271 BLACK KNIGHT: I'm invincible!
272 ARTHUR: You're a loony.
273 BLACK KNIGHT: The Black Knight always triumphs!
274 Have at you! Come on then.
275 [whop]
276 [ARTHUR chops the BLACK KNIGHT's other leg off]
277 BLACK KNIGHT: All right; we'll call it a draw.
278 ARTHUR: Come, Patsy.
279 BLACK KNIGHT: Oh, oh, I see, running away then. You yellow
280 bastards! Come back here and take what's coming to you.
281 I'll bite your legs off!
282 %
283 Scene 5
285 CROWD: A witch! A witch! A witch! We've got a witch! A witch!
286 VILLAGER #1: We have found a witch, might we burn her?
287 CROWD: Burn her! Burn!
288 BEDEMIR: How do you know she is a witch?
289 VILLAGER #2: She looks like one.
290 BEDEMIR: Bring her forward.
291 WITCH: I'm not a witch. I'm not a witch.
292 BEDEMIR: But you are dressed as one.
293 WITCH: They dressed me up like this.
294 CROWD: No, we didn't... no.
295 WITCH: And this isn't my nose, it's a false one.
296 BEDEMIR: Well?
297 VILLAGER #1: Well, we did do the nose.
298 BEDEMIR: The nose?
299 VILLAGER #1: And the hat -- but she is a witch!
300 CROWD: Burn her! Witch! Witch! Burn her!
301 BEDEMIR: Did you dress her up like this?
302 CROWD: No, no... no ... yes. Yes, yes, a bit, a bit.
303 VILLAGER #1: She has got a wart.
304 BEDEMIR: What makes you think she is a witch?
305 VILLAGER #3: Well, she turned me into a newt.
306 BEDEMIR: A newt?
307 VILLAGER #3: I got better.
308 VILLAGER #2: Burn her anyway!
309 CROWD: Burn! Burn her!
310 BEDEMIR: Quiet, quiet. Quiet! There are ways of telling whether
311 she is a witch.
312 CROWD: Are there? What are they?
313 BEDEMIR: Tell me, what do you do with witches?
314 VILLAGER #2: Burn!
315 CROWD: Burn, burn them up!
316 BEDEMIR: And what do you burn apart from witches?
317 VILLAGER #1: More witches!
318 VILLAGER #2: Wood!
319 BEDEMIR: So, why do witches burn?
320 [pause]
321 VILLAGER #3: B--... 'cause they're made of wood...?
322 BEDEMIR: Good!
323 CROWD: Oh yeah, yeah...
324 BEDEMIR: So, how do we tell whether she is made of wood?
325 VILLAGER #1: Build a bridge out of her.
326 BEDEMIR: Aah, but can you not also build bridges out of stone?
327 VILLAGER #2: Oh, yeah.
328 BEDEMIR: Does wood sink in water?
329 VILLAGER #1: No, no.
330 VILLAGER #2: It floats! It floats!
331 VILLAGER #1: Throw her into the pond!
332 CROWD: The pond!
333 BEDEMIR: What also floats in water?
334 VILLAGER #1: Bread!
335 VILLAGER #2: Apples!
336 VILLAGER #3: Very small rocks!
337 VILLAGER #1: Cider!
338 VILLAGER #2: Great gravy!
339 VILLAGER #1: Cherries!
340 VILLAGER #2: Mud!
341 VILLAGER #3: Churches -- churches!
342 VILLAGER #2: Lead -- lead!
343 ARTHUR: A duck.
344 CROWD: Oooh.
345 BEDEMIR: Exactly! So, logically...,
346 VILLAGER #1: If... she.. weighs the same as a duck, she's made of wood.
347 BEDEMIR: And therefore--?
348 VILLAGER #1: A witch!
349 CROWD: A witch!
350 BEDEMIR: We shall use my larger scales!
351 [yelling]
352 BEDEMIR: Right, remove the supports!
353 [whop]
354 [creak]
355 CROWD: A witch! A witch!
356 WITCH: It's a fair cop.
357 CROWD: Burn her! Burn! [yelling]
358 BEDEMIR: Who are you who are so wise in the ways of science?
359 ARTHUR: I am Arthur, King of the Britons.
360 BEDEMIR: My liege!
361 ARTHUR: Good Sir knight, will you come with me to Camelot,
362 and join us at the Round Table?
363 BEDEMIR: My liege! I would be honored.
364 ARTHUR: What is your name?
365 BEDEMIR: Bedemir, my leige.
366 ARTHUR: Then I dub you Sir Bedemir, Knight of the Round Table.
368 [Narrative Interlude]
370 NARRATOR: The wise Sir Bedemir was the first to join King Arthur's
371 knights, but other illustrious names were soon to follow:
372 Sir Launcelot the Brave; Sir Galahad the Pure; and Sir Robin the
373 Not-quite-so-brave-as-Sir-Launcelot who had nearly fought the Dragon
374 of Agnor, who had nearly stood up to the vicious Chicken of Bristol
375 and who had personally wet himself at the Battle of Badon Hill; and
376 the aptly named Sir Not-appearing-in-this-film. Together they formed
377 a band whose names and deeds were to be retold throughout the centuries,
378 the Knights of the Round Table.
379 %
380 Scene 6
382 BEDEMIR: And that, my liege, is how we know the Earth to be banana-shaped.
383 ARTHUR: This new learning amazes me, Sir Bedemir. Explain again how
384 sheeps' bladders may be employed to prevent earthquakes.
385 BEDEMIR: Oh, certainly, sir.
386 LAUNCELOT: Look, my liege!
387 ARTHUR: Camelot!
388 GALAHAD: Camelot!
389 LAUNCELOT: Camelot!
390 PATSY: It's only a model.
391 ARTHUR: Shhh! Knights, I bid you welcome to your new home. Let us
392 ride... to Camelot.
394 [singing]
395 We're knights of the round table
396 We dance when e'er we're able
397 We do routines and parlour scenes
398 With footwork impecc-Able.
400 We dine well here in Camelot
401 We eat ham and jam and spam a lot
403 [dancing]
405 We're knights of the Round Table
406 Our shows are for-mid-able
407 Though many times we're given rhymes
408 That are quite unsing-able
409 We not so fat in Camelot
410 We sing from the diaphragm a lot
412 [tap-dancing]
414 Oh we're tough and able
415 Quite indefatigable
416 Between our quests we sequin vests
417 And impersonate Clark Gable
418 It's a bit too loud in Camelot
419 I have to push the pram a lot.
421 ARTHUR: Well, on second thought, let's not go to Camelot -- it is
422 a silly place.
423 Right.
424 %
425 Scene 7
426 GOD: Arthur! Arthur, King of the Britons! Oh, don't grovel! If
427 there's one thing I can't stand, it's people groveling.
428 ARTHUR: Sorry--
429 GOD: And don't apologize. Every time I try to talk to someone it's
430 "sorry this" and "forgive me that" and "I'm not worthy". What are you
431 doing now!?
432 ARTHUR: I'm averting my eyes, oh Lord.
433 GOD: Well, don't. It's like those miserable Psalms-- they're so
434 depressing. Now knock it off!
435 ARTHUR: Yes, Lord.
436 GOD: Right! Arthur, King of the Britons -- your Knights of the Round
437 Table shall have a task to make them an example in these dark times.
438 ARTHUR: Good idea, oh Lord!
439 GOD: 'Course it's a good idea! Behold! Arthur, this is the Holy
440 Grail. Look well, Arthur, for it is your sacred task to seek
441 this Grail. That is your purpose, Arthur -- the Quest for the
442 Holy Grail.
443 ARTHUR: A blessing!
444 LAUNCELOT: A blessing from the Lord!
445 GALAHAD: God be praised!
446 %
447 Scene 8
448 [clop clop]
449 ARTHUR: Halt! Hallo! Hallo!
450 GUARD: 'Allo! Who is zis?
451 ARTHUR: It is King Arthur, and these are the Knights of the Round
452 Table. Who's castle is this?
453 GUARD: This is the castle of Our Master Ruiz' de lu la Ramper (sp?)
454 ARTHUR: Go and tell your master that we have been charged by God
455 with a sacred quest. If he will give us food and shelter for the
456 night he can join us in our quest for the Holy Grail.
457 GUARD: Well, I'll ask him, but I don't think he'll be very keen...
458 Uh, he's already got one, you see?
459 ARTHUR: What?
460 GALAHAD: He says they've already got one!
461 ARTHUR: Are you sure he's got one?
462 GUARD: Oh, yes, it's very nice-a [To Other Guards] I told him we already got one.
463 OTHER GUARDS: [Laughing]
464 ARTHUR: Well, um, can we come up and have a look?
465 GUARD: Of course not! You are English types-a!
466 ARTHUR: Well, what are you then?
467 GUARD: I'm French! Why do think I have this outrageous accent, you
468 silly king!
469 GALAHAD: What are you doing in England?
470 GUARD: Mind your own business!
471 ARTHUR: If you will not show us the Grail, we shall take your castle
472 by force!
473 GUARD: You don't frighten us, English pig-dogs! Go and boil your
474 bottoms, sons of a silly person. I blow my nose at you, so-called
475 Arthur-king, you and all your silly English kaniggets. Thppppt!
476 GALAHAD: What a strange person.
477 ARTHUR: Now look here, my good man!
478 GUARD: I don't want to talk to you no more, you empty headed animal
479 food trough whopper! I fart in your general direction! You mother
480 was a hamster and your father smelt of eldeberries.
481 GALAHAD: Is there someone else up there we could talk to?
482 GUARD: No, now go away or I shall taunt you a second time-a!
483 ARTHUR: Now, this is your last chance. I've been more than reasonable.
484 GUARD: (Fetchez la vache.)
485 wha?
486 GUARD: (Fetchez la vache!)
487 [moo]
488 ARTHUR: If you do not agree to my commands, then I shall--
489 [twong]
490 [mooooooo]
491 Jesus Christ!
492 Right! Charge!
493 ALL: Charge!
494 [mayhem]
495 GUARD: Ah, this one is for your mother!
496 [twong]
497 ALL: Run away!
498 GUARD: Thpppt!
499 LAUNCELOT: Fiends! I'll tear them apart!
500 ARTHUR: No no, no.
501 BEDEMIR: Sir! I have a plan, sir.
503 [later]
505 [chop]
506 [mrrrrrreeeeeeaaaaaaauuuuww]
507 [rumble rumble squeak]
508 MUTTERING GUARDS: ce labon a bunny do
509 wha?
510 un cadeau?
511 a present!
512 oh, un cadeau.
513 oui oui hurry!
514 wha-?
515 let's go!
516 [rumble rumble squeak]
518 ARTHUR: What happens now?
519 BEDEMIR: Well, now, uh, Launcelot, Galahad, and I wait until nightfall,
520 and then leap out of the rabbit, taking the French by surprise --
521 not only by surprise, but totally unarmed!
522 ARTHUR: Who leaps out?
523 BEDEMIR: Uh, Launcelot, Galahad, and I. Uh, leap out of the rabbit, uh
524 and uh....
525 ARTHUR: Oh....
526 BEDEMIR: Oh.... Um, l-look, if we built this large wooden badger--
527 [twong]
528 ALL: Run away! Run away! Run away! Run away!
529 [splat]
530 GUARDS: Oh, haw haw haw.
531 %
532 Scene 9
534 Pictures for Schools, take 8.
535 DIRECTOR: Action!
537 NARRATOR: Defeat at the castle seems to have utterly disheartened
538 King Arthur. The ferocity of the French taunting took him completely
539 by surprise, and Arthur became convinced that a new strategy
540 was required if the quest for the Holy Grail were to be brought
541 to a successful conclusion. Arthur, having consulted his closest
542 knights, decided that they should separate, and search for the Grail
543 individually. Now, this is what they did--
544 [tromp tromp]
545 [slash]
546 WOMAN: Greg!
547 %
548 Scene 10
550 NARRATOR: The Tale of Sir Robin....
551 So each of the knights went their separate ways. Sir Robin rode north,
552 through the dark forest of Ewing, accompanied by his favorite minstrels.
554 MINSTREL (singing):
556 Bravely bold Sir Robin, rode forth from Camelot.
557 He was not afraid to die, o Brave Sir Robin.
558 He was not at all afraid to be killed in nasty ways.
559 Brave, brave, brave, brave Sir Robin!
561 He was not in the least bit scared to be mashed
562 into a pulp,
563 Or to have his eyes gouged out, and his elbows broken.
564 To have his kneecaps split, and his body burned away,
565 And his limbs all hacked and mangled, brave Sir Robin!
567 His head smashed in and his heart cut out,
568 And his liver removed and his bowels unplugged,
569 And his nostrils ripped and his bottom burned off,
570 And his penis--
572 ROBIN: That's -- that's, uh, that's enough music for now, lads.
573 Looks like there's dirty work afoot.
574 DENNIS: Anarcho-syndicalism is a way of preserving freedom.
575 WOMAN: Oh, Dennis, forget about freedom. Now I've dropped my mud.
576 ALL HEADS: Halt! Who art thou?
577 MINSTREL (singing): He is brave Sir Robin, brave Sir Robin, who--
578 ROBIN: Shut up! Um, n-n-nobody really, I'm j-just um, just passing
579 through.
580 ALL HEADS: What do you want?
581 MINSTREL (singing): To fight, and--
582 ROBIN: Shut up! Um, oo, n-nothing, nothing really -- I, uh, j-j-ust
583 to um, just to p-pass through, good Sir knight.
584 ALL HEADS: I'm afraid not!
585 ROBIN: Ah. W-well, actually I am a Knight of the Round Table.
586 ALL HEADS: You're a Knight of the Round Table?
587 ROBIN: I am.
588 LEFT HEAD: In that case I shall have to kill you.
589 MIDDLE HEAD: Shall I?
590 RIGHT HEAD: Oh, I don't think so.
591 MIDDLE HEAD: Well, what do I think?
592 LEFT HEAD: I think kill him.
593 RIGHT HEAD: Well let's be nice to him.
594 MIDDLE HEAD: Oh shut up.
595 LEFT HEAD: Perhaps-
596 MIDDLE HEAD: And you.
597 LEFT HEAD: Oh quick get the sword out I want to cut his head off!
598 RIGHT HEAD: Oh, cut your own head off!
599 MIDDLE HEAD: Yes, do us all a favor!
600 LEFT HEAD: What?
601 RIGHT HEAD: Yapping on all the time.
602 MIDDLE HEAD: You're lucky. You're not next to him.
603 LEFT HEAD: What do you mean?
604 MIDDLE HEAD: You snore.
605 LEFT HEAD: Oh I don't -- anyway, you've got bad breath.
606 MIDDLE HEAD: Well its only because you don't brush my teeth.
607 RIGHT HEAD: Oh stop bitching and let's go have tea.
608 LEFT HEAD: All right, all right, all right. We'll kill him first
609 and then have tea and biscuits.
610 MIDDLE HEAD: Yes.
611 RIGHT HEAD: Oh, but not biscuits.
612 LEFT HEAD: All right, all right, not biscuits, but lets kill him anyway.
613 ALL HEADS: Right!
614 LEFT HEAD: He buggered off.
615 RIGHT HEAD: So he has, he's scarpered.
617 MINSTREL (singing): Brave Sir Robin ran away
618 ROBIN: No!
619 MINSTREL (singing): Bravely ran away away
620 ROBIN: I didn't!
621 MINSTREL (singing): When danger reared its ugly head,
622 He bravely turned his tail and fled
623 ROBIN: No!
624 MINSTREL (singing): Yes Brave Sir Robin turned about
625 ROBIN: I didn't!
626 MINSTREL (singing): And gallantly he chickened out
627 Bravely taking to his feet
628 ROBIN: I never did!
629 MINSTREL (singing): He beat a very brave retreat
630 ROBIN: Oh, lie!
631 MINSTREL (singing): Bravest of the brave Sir Robin
632 ROBIN: I never!
633 %
634 Scene 11
636 NARRATOR: The Tale of Sir Galahad
638 [boom crash]
639 [angels singing]
641 [pound pound pound]
642 GALAHAD: Open the door!
643 Open the door!
644 [pound pound pound]
645 In the name of King Arthur, open the door!
646 [squeak thump]
647 [squeak boom]
648 ALL: Hello!
649 ZOOT: Welcome gentle Sir knight, welcome to the Castle Anthrax.
650 GALAHAD: The Castle Anthrax?
651 ZOOT: Yes... oh, it's not a very good name? Oh! but we are
652 nice and we shall attend to your every, every need!
653 GALAHAD: You are the keepers of the Holy Grail?
654 ZOOT: The what?
655 GALAHAD: The Grail -- it is here?
656 ZOOT: Oh, but you are tired, and you must rest awhile. Midget!
657 Crepper!
658 MIDGET and CREPPER: Yes, oh Zoot!
659 ZOOT: Prepare a bed for our guest.
660 MIDGET and CREPPER: Oh thank you thank you thank you--
661 ZOOT: Away away vile temptress! The beds here are warm and soft -- and
662 very, very big.
663 GALAHAD: Well, look, I-I-uh--
664 ZOOT: What is your name, handsome knight?
665 GALAHAD: Sir Galahad... the Chaste.
666 ZOOT: Mine is Zoot... just Zoot. Oh, but come!
667 GALAHAD: Look, please! In God's name, show me the Grail!
668 ZOOT: Oh, you have suffered much! You are delirious!
669 GALAHAD: L-look, I have seen it! It is here, in the--
670 ZOOT: Sir Galahad! You would not be so ungallant as to refuse our
671 hospitality.
672 GALAHAD: Well, I-I-uh--
673 ZOOT: Oh, I am afraid our life must seem very dull and quiet compared
674 to yours. We are but eight score young blondes and brunettes, all between
675 sixteen and nineteen and a half, cut off in this castle with no one to
676 protect us! Oh, it is a lonely life -- bathing, dressing, undressing,
677 making exciting underwear.... We are just not used to handsome knights.
678 Nay, nay, come, come, you may lie here. Oh, but you are wounded!
679 GALAHAD: No, no -- i-it's nothing!
680 ZOOT: Oh, but you must see the doctors immediately! No, no, please,
681 lie down.
682 [clap clap]
683 PIGLET: Ah. What seems to be the trouble?
684 GALAHAD: They're doctors?!
685 ZOOT: Uh, they've had a basic medical training, yes.
686 GALAHAD: B-but--
687 ZOOT: Oh, come come, you must try to rest! Doctor Piglet, Doctor
688 Winston, practice your art.
689 PIGLET: Try to relax.
690 GALAHAD: Are you sure that's necessary?
691 PIGLET: We must examine you.
692 GALAHAD: There's nothing wrong with that!
693 PIGLET: Please -- we are doctors.
694 GALAHAD: Get off the bed! I am sworn to chastity!
695 PIGLET: Back to your bed!
696 GALAHAD: Torment me no longer! I have seen the Grail!
697 PIGLET: There's no grail here.
698 GALAHAD: I have seen it, I have seen it. I have seen--
699 GIRLS: Hello.
700 GALAHAD: Oh--
701 VARIOUS GIRLS: Hello.
702 Hello.
703 Hello.
704 Hello.
705 Hello.
706 Hello.
707 Hello.
708 Hello.
709 Hello.
710 Hello.
711 Hello.
712 Hello.
713 GALAHAD: Zoot!
714 DINGO: No, I am Zoot's identical twin sister, Dingo.
715 GALAHAD: Oh, well, excuse me, I--
716 DINGO: Where are you going?
717 GALAHAD: I seek the Grail! I have seen it, here in this castle!
718 DINGO: No! Oh, no! Bad, bad Zoot!
719 GALAHAD: What is it?
720 DINGO: Oh, wicked, bad, naughty Zoot! She has been setting alight
721 to our beacon, which, I just remembered, is grail-shaped. It's not the
722 first time we've had this problem.
723 GALAHAD: It's not the real Grail?
724 DINGO: Oh, wicked, bad, naughty, evil Zoot! Oh, she is a naughty
725 person, and she must pay the penalty -- and here in Castle Anthrax, we
726 have but one punishment for setting alight the grail-shaped beacon. You
727 must tie her down on a bed and spank her!
728 GIRLS: A spanking! A spanking!
729 DINGO: You must spank her well. And after you have spanked her, you
730 may deal with her as you like. And then, spank me.
731 VARIOUS GIRLS: And spank me.
732 And me.
733 And me.
734 DINGO: Yes, yes, you must give us all a good spanking!
735 GIRLS: A spanking! A spanking!
736 DINGO: And after the spanking, the oral sex.
737 GIRLS: Oral sex! Oral sex!
738 GALAHAD: Well, I could stay a BIT longer.
739 LAUNCELOT: Sir Galahad!
740 GALAHAD: Oh, hello.
741 LAUNCELOT: Quick!
742 GALAHAD: What?
743 LAUNCELOT: Quick!
744 GALAHAD: Why?
745 LAUNCELOT: You're in great peril!
746 LAUNCELOT: Silence, foul temptress!
747 GALAHAD: Now look, it's not important.
748 LAUNCELOT: Quick! Come on and we'll cover your escape!
749 GALAHAD: Look, I'm fine!
750 LAUNCELOT: Come on!
751 GALAHAD: Now look, I can tackle this lot single-handed!
752 DINGO: Yes! Let him tackle us single-handed!
753 GIRLS: Yes! Tackle us single-handed!
754 LAUNCELOT: No, Sir Galahad, come on!
755 GALAHAD: No, really, honestly, I can go back and handle this lot easily!
756 DINGO: Oh, yes, he can handle us easily.
757 GIRLS: Yes, yes!
758 GALAHAD: Wait! I can defeat them! There's only a hundred and fifty
759 of them!
760 DINGO: Yes, yes, he'll beat us easily, we haven't a chance.
761 GIRLS: Yes, yes.
762 [boom]
763 DINGO: Oh, shit.
764 [outside]
765 LAUNCELOT: We were in the nick of time, you were in great peril.
766 GALAHAD: I don't think I was.
767 LAUNCELOT: Yes you were, you were in terrible peril.
768 GALAHAD: Look, let me go back in there and face the peril.
769 LAUNCELOT: No, it's too perilous.
770 GALAHAD: Look, I'm a knight, I'm supposed to get as much peril as I can.
771 LAUNCELOT: No, we've got to find the Holy Grail. Come on!
772 GALAHAD: Well, let me have just a little bit of peril?
773 LAUNCELOT: No, it's unhealthy.
774 GALAHAD: Bet you're gay!
775 LAUNCELOT: No, I'm not.
777 Narrative Interlude 2
779 NARRATOR: Sir Launcelot had saved Sir Galahad from almost certain
780 temptation, but they were still no nearer the Grail. Meanwhile,
781 King Arthur and Sir Bedemir, not more than a swallow's flight away,
782 had discovered something. Oh, that's an unladen swallow's flight,
783 obviously. I mean, they were more than two laden swallow's flights
784 away -- four, really, if they hadn't a cord of line between them.
785 I mean, if the birds were walking and dragging--
786 CROWD: Get on with it!
787 NARRATOR: Oh, anyway, on to scene twenty-four, which is a smashing
788 scene with some lovely acting, in which Arthur discovers a vital clue,
789 in which there aren't any swallows, although I think you can hear a
790 starling -oolp!
791 %
792 Scene 24
794 OLD MAN: Ah, hee he he ha!
795 ARTHUR: And this enchanter of whom you speak, he has seen the grail?
796 OLD MAN: Ha ha he he he he!
797 ARTHUR: Where does he live? Old man, where does he live?
798 OLD MAN: He knows of a cave, a cave which no man has entered.
799 ARTHUR: And the Grail... The Grail is there?
800 OLD MAN: Very much danger, for beyond the cave lies the Gorge
801 of Eternal Peril, which no man has ever crossed.
802 ARTHUR: But the Grail! Where is the Grail!?
803 OLD MAN: Seek you the Bridge of Death.
804 ARTHUR: The Bridge of Death, which leads to the Grail?
805 OLD MAN: Hee hee ha ha!
806 %
807 Scene 25
809 HEAD KNIGHT: Nee!
810 Nee!
811 Nee!
812 Nee!
813 ARTHUR: Who are you?
814 HEAD KNIGHT: We are the Knights Who Say... Nee!
815 ARTHUR: No! Not the Knights Who Say Nee!
816 HEAD KNIGHT: The same!
817 BEDEMIR: Who are they?
818 HEAD KNIGHT: We are the keepers of the sacred words: Nee, Pen, and
819 Nee-wom!
820 RANDOM: Nee-wom!
821 ARTHUR: Those who hear them seldom live to tell the tale!
822 HEAD KNIGHT: The Knights Who Say Nee demand a sacrifice!
823 ARTHUR: Knights of Nee, we are but simple travellers who seek the
824 enchanter who lives beyond these woods.
825 HEAD KNIGHT: Nee! Nee! Nee! Nee!
826 ARTHUR and PARTY: Oh, ow!
827 HEAD KNIGHT: We shall say 'nee' again to you if you do not appease us.
828 ARTHUR: Well, what is it you want?
829 HEAD KNIGHT: We want... a shrubbery!
830 [dramatic chord]
831 ARTHUR: A what?
832 HEAD KNIGHT: Nee! Nee!
833 ARTHUR and PARTY: Oh, ow!
834 ARTHUR: Please, please! No more! We shall find a shrubbery.
835 HEAD KNIGHT: You must return here with a shrubbery or else you will
836 never pass through this wood alive!
837 ARTHUR: O Knights of Nee, you are just and fair, and we will return
838 with a shrubbery.
839 HEAD KNIGHT: One that looks nice.
840 ARTHUR: Of course.
841 HEAD KNIGHT: And not too expensive.
842 ARTHUR: Yes.
843 HEAD KNIGHTS: Now... go!
844 %
845 Scene 26
847 NARRATOR: The Tale of Sir Launcelot.
849 FATHER: One day, lad, all this will be yours!
850 ERBERT: What, the curtains?
851 FATHER: No, not the curtains, lad. All that you can see! Stretched
852 out over the hills and valleys of this land! This'll be your kingdom,
853 lad!
854 HERBERT: But, Mother--
855 FATHER: Father, I'm Father.
856 HERBERT: But Father, I don't want any of that.
857 FATHER: Listen, lad. I've built this kingdom up from nothing. When
858 I started here, all there was was swamp. All the kings said I was
859 daft to build a castle in a swamp, but I built it all the same,
860 just to show 'em. It sank into the swamp. So, I built a second one.
861 That sank into the swamp. So I built a third one. That burned down,
862 fell over, then sank into the swamp. But the fourth one stayed up.
863 An' that's what your gonna get, lad -- the strongest castle in these
864 islands.
865 HERBERT: But I don't want any of that -- I'd rather--
866 FATHER: Rather what?!
867 HERBERT: I'd rather... just...
868 [music]
869 ...sing!
870 FATHER: Stop that, stop that! You're not going to do a song while
871 I'm here. Now listen lad, in twenty minutes you're getting married to
872 a girl whose father owns the biggest tracts of open land in Britain.
873 HERBERT: But I don't want land.
874 FATHER: Listen, Alex,--
875 HERBERT: Herbert.
876 FATHER: Herbert. We live in a bloody swamp. We need all the land we
877 can get.
878 HERBERT: But I don't like her.
879 FATHER: Don't like her?! What's wrong with her? She's beautiful,
880 she's rich, she's got huge... tracts of land.
881 HERBERT: I know, but I want the girl that I marry to have...
882 a certain... special...
883 [music]
884 ...something...
885 FATHER: Cut that out, cut that out. Look, you're marryin' Princess
886 Lucky, so you'd better get used to the idea. [smack] Guards! Make sure
887 the Prince doesn't leave this room until I come and get 'im.
888 GUARD #1: Not to leave the room even if you come and get him.
889 GUARD #2: Hic!
890 FATHER: No, no. Until I come and get 'im.
891 GUARD #1: Until you come and get him, we're not to enter the room.
892 FATHER: No, no, no. You stay in the room and make sure 'e doesn't
893 leave.
894 GUARD #1: And you'll come and get him.
895 GUARD #2: Hic!
896 FATHER: Right.
897 GUARD #1: We don't need to do anything, apart from just stop him
898 entering the room.
899 FATHER: No, no. Leaving the room.
900 GUARD #1: Leaving the room, yes.
901 FATHER: All right?
902 GUARD #1: Right. Oh, if-if-if, uh, if-if-if, uh, if-if-if we...
903 FATHER: Yes, what is it?
904 GUARD #1: Oh, if-if, oh--
905 FATHER: Look, it's quite simple.
906 GUARD #1: Uh...
907 FATHER: You just stay here, and make sure 'e doesn't leave the room.
908 All right?
909 GUARD #2: Hic!
910 FATHER: Right.
911 GUARD #1: Oh, I remember. Uh, can he leave the room with us?
912 FATHER: N- No no no. You just keep him in here, and make sure--
913 GUARD #1: Oh, yes, we'll keep him in here, obviously. But if he had
914 to leave and we were--
915 FATHER: No, no, just keep him in here--
916 GUARD #1: Until you, or anyone else,--
917 FATHER: No, not anyone else, just me--
918 GUARD #1: Just you.
919 GUARD #2: Hic!
920 FATHER: Get back.
921 GUARD #1: Get back.
922 FATHER: Right?
923 GUARD #1: Right, we'll stay here until you get back.
924 FATHER: And, uh, make sure he doesn't leave.
925 GUARD #1: What?
926 FATHER: Make sure 'e doesn't leave.
927 GUARD #1: The Prince?
928 FATHER: Yes, make sure 'e doesn't leave.
929 GUARD #1: Oh, yes, of course. I thought you meant him. Y'know, it
930 seemed a bit daft, me havin' to guard him when he's a guard.
931 FATHER: Is that clear?
932 GUARD #2: Hic!
933 GUARD #1: Oh, quite clear, no problems.
934 FATHER: Right.
935 [starts to leave]
936 Where are you going?
937 GUARD #1: We're coming with you.
938 FATHER: No no, I want you to stay 'ere and make sure 'e doesn't leave.
939 GUARD #1: Oh, I see. Right.
940 HERBERT: But, Father!
941 FATHER: Shut your noise, you! And get that suit on! And no singing!
942 GUARD #2: Hic!
943 FATHER: Oh, go get a glass of water.
944 %
945 Scene 27
947 LAUNCELOT: Well taken, Concorde!
948 CONCORDE: Thank you, sir! Most kind.
949 LAUNCELOT: And again... Over we go! Good. Steady! And now, the big
950 one...Ooof! Come on, Concorde!
951 [thwonk]
952 CONCORDE: Message for you, sir.
953 [fwump]
954 LAUNCELOT: Concorde! Concorde, speak to me! "To whoever finds this
955 note, I have been imprisoned by my father, who wishes me to marry
956 against my will. Please, please, please come and rescue me. I am
957 in the tall tower of Swamp Castle." At last! A call, a cry of
958 distress! This could be the sign that leads us to the Holy Grail!
959 Brave, brave Concorde! You shall not have died in vain!
960 CONCORDE: Uh, I'm-I'm not quite dead, sir.
961 LAUNCELOT: Well, you shall not have been mortally wounded in vain!
962 CONCORDE: Uh, I-I think uh, I could pull through, sir.
963 LAUNCELOT: Oh, I see.
964 CONCORDE: Actually, I think I'm all right to come with you--
965 LAUNCELOT: No, no, sweet Concorde! Stay here! I will send help as
966 soon as I have accomplished a daring and heroic rescue in my own
967 particular... (sigh)
968 CONCORDE: Idiom, sir?
969 LAUNCELOT: Idiom!
970 CONCORDE: No, I feel fine, actually, sir.
971 LAUNCELOT: Farewell, sweet Concorde!
972 CONCORDE: I'll-uh, I'll just stay here, then, shall I, sir? Yeah.
973 %
974 Scene 28
976 LAUNCELOT: Ha-ha! etc.
977 GUARD #1: Now, you're not allowed to come in here, and we're-ugh!
978 LAUNCELOT: O fair one, behold your humble servant Sir Launcelot
979 of Camelot. I have come to take -- oh, I'm terribly sorry.
980 HERBERT: You got my note!
981 LAUNCELOT: Uh, well, I got A note.
982 HERBERT: You've come to rescue me!
983 LAUNCELOT: Uh, well, no, you see...
984 HERBERT: I knew that someone would, I knew that somewhere out there...
985 there must be...
986 [music]
987 ...someone...
988 FATHER: Stop that, stop that, stop it! Stop it! Who are you?
989 HERBERT: I'm your son!
990 FATHER: No, not you.
991 LAUNCELOT: I'm Sir Launcelot, sir.
992 HERBERT: He's come to rescue me, father.
993 LAUNCELOT: Well, let's not jump to conclusions.
994 FATHER: Did you kill all the guard?
995 LAUNCELOT: Uh..., oh, yes. Sorry.
996 FATHER: They cost fifty pounds each.
997 LAUNCELOT: Well, I'm awfully sorry, I'm -- I really can explain everything.
998 HERBERT: Don't be afraid of him, Sir Launcelot, I've got a rope all ready!
999 FATHER: You killed eight wedding guests in all!
1000 LAUNCELOT: Well, you see, the thing is, I thought your son was a lady.
1001 FATHER: I can understand that.
1002 HERBERT: Hurry, Sir Launcelot! Hurry!
1003 FATHER: Shut up! You only killed the bride's father, that's all!
1004 LAUNCELOT: Well, I really didn't mean to...
1005 FATHER: Didn't mean to?! You put your sword right through his head!
1006 LAUNCELOT: Oh, dear. Is he all right?
1007 FATHER: You even kicked the bride in the chest! This is going to cost
1008 me a fortune!
1009 LAUNCELOT: Well, I can explain. I was in the forest, um, riding north
1010 from Camelot, when I got this note, you see--
1011 FATHER: Camelot? Are you from, uh, Camelot?
1012 HERBERT: Hurry, Sir Launcelot!
1013 LAUNCELOT: Uh, I am a Knight of King Arthur, sir.
1014 FATHER: Pretty nice castle, Camelot. Uh, pretty good pig country....
1015 LAUNCELOT: Yes.
1016 HERBERT: Hurry, I'm ready!
1017 FATHER: Would you, uh, like to come and have a drink?
1018 LAUNCELOT: Well, that's, uh, awfully nice of you.
1019 HERBERT: I am ready!
1020 [starts to leave]
1021 LAUNCELOT: --I mean to be, so understanding.
1022 [thonk]
1023 HERBERT: Oooh!
1024 LAUNCELOT: Um, I think when I'm in this idiom, I sometimes get a bit,
1025 uh, sort of carried away.
1026 FATHER: Oh, don't worry about that.
1027 HERBERT: Oooh!
1028 [splat]
1029 %
1030 Scene 29
1032 [wailing]
1033 FATHER: Well, this is the main hall. We're going to have all this
1034 knocked through, and made into one big, uh, living room.
1035 RANDOM: There he is!
1036 FATHER: Oh, bloody hell.
1037 LAUNCELOT: Ha-ha! etc.
1038 FATHER: Hold it, hold it! Please!
1039 LAUNCELOT: Sorry, sorry. See what I mean, I just get carried away.
1040 I really must -- sorry, sorry! Sorry, everyone.
1041 RANDOM: He's killed the best man!
1042 [yelling]
1043 FATHER: Hold it, please! Hold it! This is Sir Launcelot from the
1044 court of Camelot -- a very brave and influential knight, and my special
1045 guest here today.
1046 LAUNCELOT: Hello.
1047 RANDOM: He killed my auntie!
1048 [yelling]
1049 FATHER: Please, please! This is supposed to be a happy occasion!
1050 Let's not bicker and argue about who killed who. We are here today to
1051 witness the union of two young people in the joyful bond of the holy
1052 wedlock. Unfortunately, one of them, my son Herbert, has just fallen
1053 to his death. But I think I've not lost a son, so much as... gained
1054 a daughter! For, since the tragic death of her father--
1055 RANDOM: He's not quite dead!
1056 FATHER: Since the near fatal wounding of her father--
1057 RANDOM: He's getting better!
1058 FATHER: For, since her own father... who, when he seemed about to
1059 recover, suddenly felt the icy hand of death upon him,...
1060 [ugh]
1061 RANDOM: Oh, he's died!
1062 FATHER: And I want his only daughter to look upon me... as her own
1063 dad -- in a very real, and legally binding sense.
1064 [clapping]
1065 And I feel sure that the merger -- uh, the union -- between the
1066 Princess and the brave, but dangerous, Sir Launcelot of Camelot...
1067 LAUNCELOT: What?
1068 RANDOM: Look! The dead Prince!
1069 CONCORDE: He's not quite dead!
1070 HERBERT: Oh, I feel much better.
1071 FATHER: You fell out of the tower, you creep!
1072 HERBERT: No, I was saved at the last minute.
1073 FATHER: How?!
1074 HERBERT: Well, I'll tell you...
1075 [music]
1076 FATHER: Not like that! Not like that! No, stop it!
1077 SINGING: He's going to tell! He's going to tell!
1078 FATHER: Shut up!
1079 SINGING: He's going to tell! He's going to tell!
1080 He's going to tell! He's going to tell!
1081 He's going to tell! He's going to tell!
1082 He's going to tell! He's going to tell!
1083 CONCORDE: Quickly, sir! This way!
1084 LAUNCELOT: No, it's not in my idiom! I must escape more....(sigh)
1085 CONCORDE: Dramatically, sir?
1086 LAUNCELOT: Dramatically! Hee! Ha!
1087 [crash]
1088 Excuse me, could, uh, could somebody give me a push, please...?
1089 %
1090 Scene 30
1092 [clop clop]
1093 ARTHUR: Old crone! Is there anywhere in this town where we could buy
1094 a shrubbery!
1095 [dramatic chord]
1096 CRONE: Who sent you?
1097 ARTHUR: The Knights Who Say Nee.
1098 CRONE: Agh! No! Never! We have no shrubberies here.
1099 ARTHUR: If you do not tell us where we can buy a shrubbery, my friend
1100 and I will say... we will say... `nee'.
1101 CRONE: Agh! Do your worst!
1102 ARTHUR: Very well! If you will not assist us voluntarily,... nee!
1103 CRONE: No! Never! No shrubberies!
1104 ARTHUR: Nee!
1105 BEDEMIR: Noo! Noo!
1106 ARTHUR: No, no, no, no -- it's not that, it's 'nee'.
1107 BEDEMIR: Noo!
1108 ARTHUR: No, no -- 'nee'. You're not doing it properly.
1109 BEDEMIR: Noo! Nee!
1110 ARTHUR: That's it, that's it, you've got it.
1111 ARTHUR and BEDEMIR: Nee! Nee!
1112 ROGER: Are you saying 'nee' to that old woman?
1113 ARTHUR: Um, yes.
1114 ROGER: Oh, what sad times are these when passing ruffians can say `nee'
1115 at will to old ladies. There is a pestilence upon this land, nothing
1116 is sacred. Even those who arrange and design shrubberies are under
1117 considerable economic stress at this period in history.
1118 ARTHUR: Did you say `shrubberies'?
1119 ROGER: Yes, shrubberies are my trade -- I am a shrubber. My name
1120 is Roger the Shrubber. I arrange, design, and sell shrubberies.
1121 BEDEMIR: Nee!
1122 ARTHUR: No! No, no, no! No!
1123 %
1124 Scene 31
1126 ARTHUR: O, Knights of Nee, we have brought you your shrubbery. May we
1127 go now?
1128 HEAD KNIGHT: It is a good shrubbery. I like the laurels particularly.
1129 But there is one small problem.
1130 ARTHUR: What is that?
1131 HEAD KNIGHT: We are now... no longer the Knights Who Say Nee.
1132 RANDOM: Nee!
1133 HEAD KNIGHT: Shh shh. We are now the Knights Who Say Ecky-ecky-ecky-
1134 ecky-pikang-zoom-boing-mumble-mumble.
1135 RANDOM: Nee!
1136 HEAD KNIGHT: Therefore, we must give you a test.
1137 ARTHUR: What is this test, O Knights of-- Knights Who 'Til Recently
1138 Said Nee?
1139 HEAD KNIGHT: Firstly, you must find... another shrubbery!
1140 [dramatic chord]
1141 ARTHUR: Not another shrubbery!
1142 HEAD KNIGHT: Then, when you have found the shrubbery, you must place
1143 it here beside this shrubbery, only slightly higher so you get a
1144 two-level effect with a little path running down the middle.
1145 RANDOM: A path! A path! Nee!
1146 HEAD KNIGHT: Then, when you have found the shrubbery, you must cut
1147 down the mightiest tree in the forest... with... a herring!
1148 [dramatic chord]
1149 ARTHUR: We shall do no such thing!
1150 HEAD KNIGHT: Oh, please!
1151 ARTHUR: Cut down a tree with a herring? It can't be done.
1152 KNIGHTS: Aaaaugh! Aaaugh!
1153 HEAD KNIGHT: Don't say that word.
1154 ARTHUR: What word?
1155 HEAD KNIGHT: I cannot tell, suffice to say is one of the words
1156 the Knights of Nee cannot hear.
1157 ARTHUR: How can we not say the word if you don't tell us what it is?
1158 KNIGHTS: Aaaaugh! Aaaugh!
1159 ARTHUR: What, `is'?
1160 HEAD KNIGHT: No, not `is' -- we couldn't get vary far in life not
1161 saying `is'.
1162 BEDEMIR: My liege, it's Sir Robin!
1163 MINSTREL (singing): Packing it in and packing it up
1164 And sneaking away and buggering up
1165 And chickening out and pissing about
1166 Yes, bravely he is throwing in the sponge
1167 ARTHUR: Oh, Robin!
1168 ROBIN: My liege! It's good to see you!
1169 KNIGHTS: Aaaaugh!
1170 HEAD KNIGHT: He said the word!
1171 ARTHUR: Surely you've not given up your quest for the Holy Grail?
1172 MINSTREL (singing): He is sneaking away and buggering up--
1173 ROBIN: Shut up! No, no no-- far from it.
1174 HEAD KNIGHT: He said the word again!
1175 ROBIN: I was looking for it.
1176 KNIGHTS: Aaaaugh!
1177 ROBIN: Uh, here, here in this forest.
1178 ARTHUR: No, it is far from--
1179 KNIGHTS: Aaaaugh!
1180 HEAD KNIGHT: Aaaaugh! Stop saying the word!
1181 ARTHUR: Oh, stop it!
1182 KNIGHTS: Aaaaugh!
1183 HEAD KNIGHT: Oh! He said it again!
1184 ARTHUR: Patsy!
1185 HEAD KNIGHT: Aaugh! I said it! I said it! Ooh! I said it again!
1186 KNIGHTS: Aaaaugh!
1188 Narrative Interlude 3
1190 NARRATOR: And so Arthur and Bedemir and Sir Robin set out on their
1191 search to find the enchanter of whom the old man had spoken in Scene 24.
1192 Beyond the forest they met Launcelot and Galahad, and there was much
1193 rejoicing.
1194 ALL: Yay! Yay!
1195 NARRATOR: In the frozen land of Nador they were forced to eat Robin's
1196 minstrels. And there was much rejoicing.
1197 ALL: Yay!
1198 NARRATOR: A year passed. Winter changed into Spring. Spring changed
1199 into Summer. Summer changed back into Winter. And Winter gave Spring
1200 and Summer a miss and went straight on into Autumn. Until one day...
1201 %
1202 Scene 32
1204 ARTHUR: Knights! Forward!
1205 [boom boom boom boom BOOM boom boom boom boom]
1206 What manner of man are you that can summon up fire without flint
1207 or tinder?
1208 TIM: I... am an enchanter.
1209 ARTHUR: By what name are you known?
1210 TIM: There are some who call me... Tim?
1211 ARTHUR: Greetings, Tim the Enchanter.
1212 TIM: Greetings, King Arthur!
1213 ARTHUR: You know my name?
1214 TIM: I do.
1215 [zoosh]
1216 You seek the Holy Grail!
1217 ARTHUR: That is our quest. You know much that is hidden, O Tim.
1218 TIM: Quite.
1219 [pweeng boom]
1220 [clap clap clap]
1221 ARTHUR: Yes, we're, we're looking for the Grail. Our quest is to find
1222 the Holy Grail.
1223 KNIGHTS: It is, yes, yup, yes, yeah.
1224 ARTHUR: And so we're, we're, we're, we're looking for it.
1225 KNIGHTS: Yes we are we are.
1226 BEDEMIR: We have been for some time.
1227 ROBIN: Ages.
1228 ARTHUR: Uh, so, uh, anything you can do to, uh, to help, would be...
1229 very... helpful...
1230 GALAHAD: Look, can you tell us wh-
1231 [boom]
1232 ARTHUR: Fine, um, I don't want to waste anymore of your time, but, uh
1233 I don't suppose you could, uh, tell us where we might find a, um,
1234 find a, uh, a, um, a uh--
1235 TIM: A what...?
1236 ARTHUR: A g--, a g--
1237 TIM: A Grail?!
1238 ARTHUR: Yes, I think so.
1239 KNIGHTS: Yes, that's it. Yes.
1240 TIM: Yes!
1241 KNIGHTS: Oh, thank you, splendid, fine.
1242 [boom pweeng boom boom]
1243 ARTHUR: Look, you're a busy man, uh--
1244 TIM: Yes, I can help you find the Holy Grail.
1245 KNIGHTS: Oh, thank you.
1246 TIM: To the north there lies a cave -- the cave of Kyre Banorg --
1247 wherein, carved in mystic runes upon the very living rock, the last
1248 words of Ulfin Bedweer of Regett [boom] proclaim the last resting
1249 place of the most Holy Grail.
1250 ARTHUR: Where could we find this cave, O Tim?
1251 TIM: Follow! But! follow only if ye be men of valor, for the entrance
1252 to this cave is guarded by a creature so foul, so cruel that no man
1253 yet has fought with it and lived! Bones of four fifty men lie strewn
1254 about its lair. So, brave knights, if you do doubt your courage or
1255 your strength, come no further, for death awaits you all with nasty
1256 big pointy teeth.
1257 ARTHUR: What an eccentric performance.
1258 %
1259 Scene 33
1261 [clop clop whinny]
1262 KNIGHT: They're nervous, sire.
1263 ARTHUR: Then we'd best leave them here and carry on on foot. Dis-mount!
1264 TIM: Behold the cave of Kyre Banorg!
1265 ARTHUR: Right! Keep me covered.
1266 KNIGHT: What with?
1267 ARTHUR: Just keep me covered.
1268 TIM: Too late!
1269 [chord]
1270 ARTHUR: What?
1271 TIM: There he is!
1272 ARTHUR: Where?
1273 TIM: There!
1274 ARTHUR: What, behind the rabbit?
1275 TIM: It is the rabbit!
1276 ARTHUR: You silly sod! You got us all worked up!
1277 TIM: Well, that's no ordinary rabbit. That's the most foul, cruel,
1278 and bad-tempered rodent you ever set eyes on.
1279 ROBIN: You tit! I soiled my armor I was so scared!
1280 TIM: Look, that rabbit's got a vicious streak a mile wide, it's a
1281 killer!
1282 KNIGHT: Get stuffed!
1283 TIM: It'll do you a trick, mate!
1284 KNIGHT: Oh, yeah?
1285 ROBIN: You mangy Scot git!
1286 TIM: I'm warning you!
1287 ROBIN: What's he do, nibble your bum?
1288 TIM: He's got huge, sharp-- he can leap about-- look at the bones!
1289 ARTHUR: Go on, Boris. Chop his head off!
1290 BORIS: Right! Silly little bleeder. One rabbit stew comin' right up!
1291 TIM: Look!
1292 [squeak]
1293 BORIS: Aaaugh!
1294 [chord]
1295 ARTHUR: Jesus Christ!
1296 TIM: I warned you!
1297 ROBIN: I peed again!
1298 TIM: I warned you! But did you listen to me? Oh, no, you knew it all,
1299 didn't you? Oh, it's just a harmless little bunny, isn't it? Well,
1300 it's always the same, I always--
1301 ARTHUR: Oh, shut up!
1302 TIM: --But do they listen to me?--
1303 ARTHUR: Right!
1304 TIM: -Oh, no--
1305 KNIGHTS: Charge!
1306 [squeak squeak]
1307 KNIGHTS: Aaaaugh! Aaaugh! etc.
1308 KNIGHTS: Run away! Run away!
1309 TIM: Haw haw haw. Haw haw haw. Haw haw.
1310 ARTHUR: Right. How many did we lose?
1311 KNIGHT: Gawain.
1312 KNIGHT: Hector.
1313 ARTHUR: And Boris. That's five.
1314 GALAHAD: Three, sir.
1315 ARTHUR: Three. Three. And we'd better not risk another frontal
1316 assault, that rabbit's dynamite.
1317 ROBIN: Would it help to confuse it if we run away more?
1318 ARTHUR: Oh, shut up and go and change your armor.
1319 GALAHAD: Let us taunt it! It may become so cross that it will make
1320 a mistake.
1321 ARTHUR: Like what?
1322 GALAHAD: Well,....
1323 ARTHUR: Have we got bows?
1324 KNIGHT: No.
1325 LAUNCELOT: We have the Holy Hand Grenade.
1326 ARTHUR: Yes, of course! The Holy Hand Grenade of Antioch! 'Tis one
1327 of the sacred relics Brother Maynard carries with him! Brother Maynard!
1328 Bring up the Holy Hand Grenade!
1329 [singing]
1330 How does it, uh... how does it work?
1331 KNIGHT: I know not, my liege.
1332 ARTHUR: Consult the Book of Armaments!
1333 MAYNARD: Armaments, Chapter Two, Verses Nine to Twenty-One.
1334 BROTHER: "And Saint Atila raised the hand grenade up on high, saying,
1335 'Oh, Lord, bless this thy hand grenade that with it thou mayest blow
1336 thy enemies to tiny bits, in thy mercy.' And the Lord did grin, and
1337 people did feast upon the lambs, and sloths, and carp, and anchovies,
1338 and orangutans, and breakfast cereals, and fruit bats, and large --"
1339 MAYNARD: Skip a bit, Brother.
1340 BROTHER: "And the Lord spake, saying, 'First shalt thou take out the
1341 Holy Pin. Then, shalt thou count to three, no more, no less. Three
1342 shalt be the number thou shalt count, and the number of the counting
1343 shalt be three. Four shalt thou not count, nor either count thou two,
1344 excepting that thou then proceed to three. Five is right out. Once
1345 the number three, being the third number, be reached, then lobbest thou
1346 thy Holy Hand Grenade of Antioch towards thou foe, who being naughty
1347 in my sight, shall snuff it.'"
1348 MAYNARD: Amen.
1349 ALL: Amen.
1350 ARTHUR: Right! One... two... five!
1351 KNIGHT: Three, sir!
1352 ARTHUR: Three!
1353 [boom]
1354 %
1355 Scene 34
1357 KNIGHT: There! Look!
1358 LAUNCELOT: What does it say?
1359 GALAHAD: What language is that?
1360 ARTHUR: Brother Maynard, you're our scholar!
1361 MAYNARD: It's Aramaic!
1362 GALAHAD: Of course! Joseph of Aramathea!
1363 LAUNCELOT: Course!
1364 KNIGHT: What does it say?
1365 MAYNARD: It reads, 'Here may be found the last words of Joseph of
1366 Aramathea. He who is valiant and pure of spirit may find the Holy Grail
1367 in the Castle of uuggggggh'.
1368 ARTHUR: What?
1369 MAYNARD: '... the Castle of uuggggggh'.
1370 BEDEMIR: What is that?
1371 MAYNARD: He must have died while carving it.
1372 LAUNCELOT: Oh, come on!
1373 MAYNARD: Well, that's what it says.
1374 ARTHUR: Look, if he was dying, he wouldn't bother to carve 'aaggggh'.
1375 He'd just say it!
1376 MAYNARD: Well, that's what's carved in the rock!
1377 GALAHAD: Perhaps he was dictating.
1378 ARTHUR: Oh, shut up. Well, does it say anything else?
1379 MAYNARD: No. Just, 'uuggggggh'.
1380 LAUNCELOT: Aauuggghhh.
1381 KNIGHT: Aaauggh.
1382 BEDEMIR: You don't suppose he meant the Camauuuugh?
1383 KNIGHT: Where's that?
1384 BEDEMIR: France, I think.
1385 LAUNCELOT: Isn't there a Saint Aauuuves in Cornwall?
1386 ARTHUR: No, that's Saint Ives.
1387 LAUNCELOT: Oh, yes. Saint Iiiives.
1388 SEVERAL: Iiiiives.
1389 BEDEMIR: Oooohoohohooo!
1390 LAUNCELOT: No, no, aauuuuugh, at the back of the throat. Aauuugh.
1391 BEDEMIR: No, no, no, oooooooh, in surprise and alarm.
1392 LAUNCELOT: Oh, you mean sort of a aaaagh!
1393 BEDEMIR: Yes, but I-- Aaaaagh!
1394 KNIGHT: Oooh!
1395 KNIGHT: Oh, no!
1396 [roar]
1397 MAYNARD: It's the legendary Black Beast of aaauuugh!
1398 ARTHUR: Run away!
1399 ALL: Run away! Run away!
1400 [roar]
1401 NARRATOR: As the horrendous Black Beast lunged forward, escape
1402 for Arthur and his knights seemed hopeless. When, suddenly, the
1403 animator suffered a fatal heart attack. [ulk] The cartoon peril
1404 was no more. The Quest for the Holy Grail could continue.
1405 %
1406 Scene 35
1408 ARTHUR: There it is! The Bridge of Death!
1409 ROBIN: Oh, great.
1410 KNIGHT: Look!
1411 ARTHUR: There's the old man from Scene 24!
1412 BEDEMIR: What is he doing here?
1413 ARTHUR: He is the keeper of the Bridge of Death. He asks each
1414 traveller five questions--
1415 KNIGHT: Three questions.
1416 ARTHUR: Three questions. He who answers the five questions--
1417 KNIGHT: Three questions.
1418 ARTHUR: Three questions may cross in safety.
1419 ROBIN: What if you get a question wrong?
1420 ARTHUR: Then you are cast into the Gorge of Eternal Peril.
1421 ROBIN: Oh, I won't go.
1422 KNIGHT: Who's going to answer the questions?
1423 ARTHUR: Sir Robin!
1424 ROBIN: Yes?
1425 ARTHUR: Brave Sir Robin, you go.
1426 ROBIN: Hey! I've got a great idea. Why doesn't Launcelot go?
1427 LAUNCELOT: Yes, let me go, my liege. I will take him single-handed.
1428 I shall make a feint to the north-east--
1429 ARTHUR: No, no, hang on, hang on, hang on! Just answer the five
1430 questions--
1431 KNIGHT: Three questions.
1432 ARTHUR: Three questions as best you can. And we shall watch... and
1433 pray.
1434 LAUNCELOT: I understand, my liege.
1435 ARTHUR: Good luck, brave Sir Launcelot. God be with you.
1436 KEEPER: Stop! Who would cross the Bridge of Death must answer me
1437 these questions three, 'ere the other side he see.
1438 LAUNCELOT: Ask me the questions, bridge-keeper. I'm not afraid.
1439 KEEPER: What is your name?
1440 LAUNCELOT: My name is Sir Launcelot of Camelot.
1441 KEEPER: What is your quest?
1442 LAUNCELOT: To seek the Holy Grail.
1443 KEEPER: What is your favorite color?
1444 LAUNCELOT: Blue.
1445 KEEPER: Right. Off you go.
1446 LAUNCELOT: Oh, thank you. Thank you very much.
1447 ROBIN: That's easy!
1448 KEEPER: Stop! Who approaches the Bridge of Death must answer me
1449 these questions three, 'ere the other side he see.
1450 ROBIN: Ask me the questions, bridge-keeper. I'm not afraid.
1451 KEEPER: What is your name?
1452 ROBIN: Sir Robin of Camelot.
1453 KEEPER: What is your quest?
1454 ROBIN: To seek the Holy Grail.
1455 KEEPER: What is the capital of Assyria?
1456 ROBIN: I don't know that! Auuuuuuuugh!
1457 KEEPER: Stop! What is your name?
1458 GALAHAD: Sir Galahad of Camelot.
1459 KEEPER: What is your quest?
1460 GALAHAD: I seek the Holy Grail.
1461 KEEPER: What is your favorite color?
1462 GALAHAD: Blue. No yel-- Auuuuuuuugh!
1463 KEEPER: Heh heh. Stop! What is your name?
1464 ARTHUR: It is Arthur, King of the Britons.
1465 KEEPER: What is your quest?
1466 ARTHUR: To seek the Holy Grail.
1467 KEEPER: What is the air-speed velocity of an unladen swallow?
1468 ARTHUR: What do you mean? An African or European swallow?
1469 KEEPER: What? I don't know that! Auuuuuuuugh!
1470 BEDEMIR: How do know so much about swallows?
1471 ARTHUR: Well, you have to know these things when you're a king you know.
1472 %
1473 Scene 36
1475 ARTHUR: Launcelot! Launcelot! Launcelot!
1476 BEDEMIR: Launcelot! Launcelot!
1477 ARTHUR: Launcelot! Launcelot!
1478 BEDEMIR: Launcelot! Launcelot!
1479 [angels singing]
1480 ARTHUR: The Castle Aggh. Our quest is at an end! God be praised!
1481 Almighty God, we thank Thee that Thou hast [something] safe
1482 [something] the most-
1483 [twong baaaa]
1484 Jesus Christ!
1485 GUARD: 'Allo, daffy English kaniggets and Monsieur Arthur-King, who
1486 is afraid of a duck, you know! So, we French fellows out-wit you a
1487 second time!
1488 ARTHUR: How dare you profane this place with your presence!? I command
1489 you, in the name of the Knights of Camelot, to open the doors of this
1490 sacred castle, to which God himself has guided us!
1491 GUARD: How you English say, I one more time-a unclog my nose in your
1492 direction, sons of a window-dresser! So, you think you could
1493 out-clever us French folk with your silly knees-bent running about
1494 advancing behavior! I wave my private parts at your aunties, you
1495 heaving lot of second-hand electric donkey bottom biters.
1496 ARTHUR: In the name of the Lord, we demand entrance to this sacred
1497 castle!
1498 GUARD: No chance, English bedwetting types. I burst my pimples at you
1499 and call your daughter an unrequested silly thing. You tiny-brained
1500 wipers of other people's bottoms!
1501 ARTHUR: If you do not open this door, we shall take this castle by
1502 force!
1503 [splat]
1504 In the name of God and the glory of our--
1505 [splat]
1506 Right! That settles it!
1507 GUARD: Yes, this time and try
1508 any more or we fire arrows at the tops of your heads
1509 and make castanets out of your testicles already! Ha ha!
1510 ARTHUR: Walk away. Just ignore them.
1511 GUARD: No, remain you illegitimate faced buggerfuls! And, if you think
1512 you got nasty taunting this time, you ain't heard nothing yet! Daffy
1513 English kaniggets! Thpppt!
1514 ARTHUR: We shall attack at once!
1515 BEDEMIR: Yes, my liege!
1516 ARTHUR: Stand by for attack!
1517 %