updated on Thu Jan 26 16:09:46 UTC 2012

[aur-mirror.git] / fortune-mod-scrubs / scrubs

Dr. Cox: Why does this gomer always have to try to die on my lunch?
J.D.: That's a little insensitive.
(Cox glares at him)
J.D.: (narration) Mistake.
Dr. Cox: The man's 92 years old, he has full dementia, he doesn't even know we're here. He is inches from Carla's rack and he hasn't even flinched.
Carla: Aw, that is so sweet.
Dr. Cox: Yeah, it is...
J.D.: What about his subconscious?
Dr. Cox: (leaning down and whispering) Eisenhower... was a sissy.
(Dr. Cox recoils and puts up a guard. Nothing happens)
Dr. Cox: I think, by the grace of God, we're gonna be okay. And from now on, when I'm in the room, you're definitely not allowed to talk.
                        -- My First Day (1.01)
%
J.D.: I'm, uh, I'm waiting for someone.
Janitor: Door's broke. Fifth time this week it won't open.
J.D.: Maybe there's a penny stuck in there.
Janitor: Why a penny?
J.D.: I don't know...
Janitor: Did you stick a penny in there?
J.D.: No, no, I was just making small talk.
Janitor: If I find a penny in there... I'm taking you down.
                        -- My First Day (1.01)
%
Turk: Oh, come on, Carla, give me one good reason why you won't go out with me.
Carla: Well, you're a surgeon. So, you've got the god-complex, the cockiness, the whole "married to the job" thing. You're cute, but you're very, very aware of it. You have no idea what I'm like, so all of your feelings for me are coming from down there (points at his crotch). But most of all, I'm looking for the real thing and you're nothing but a little boy who's not used to being told "no." So there's a bunch of reasons. Pick your favorite. (walks off)
J.D.: I'd go with the "god-complex"... but it's hard to choose, you know, they're all so good.
                        -- My Mentor (1.02)
%
Will: This is a strange resort, man. I mean, the wheelchair service is great, but that suite I rented, there was another person in it. And for some reason the bellhop gave me an enema.
J.D.: Yeah, he's new here.
                        -- My Mentor (1.02)
%
Elliot: Dr. Cox.
Dr. Cox: I'm hoping, for your sake, there's another Dr. Cox sitting right behind me.
Elliot: I feel stupid, but, sending me to Kelso like that—well, I'm not sure, exactly, what you were trying to teach me.
Dr. Cox: The value - and this is important - of leaving me alone.
                        -- My Best Friend's Mistake (1.03)
%
Dr. Cox: I want you to spread the word, missy. I've... had... enough. The next whiny intern that comes in here looking to me for a cookie and a hug, I swear to Aisha, I'm going to hurt them. And you, you neurotic one-woman freak-show, take your blah-blah to the blah-blah-ologist. Because if you are so stupid as to confront the Chief of Medicine over some quasi-offensive endearment, then you've just got to go ahead and replace the captain of your brainship, because he's drunk at the wheel!
Elliot: So, you're telling me I have to pick my battles. Thanks, Dr. Cox. (Walks off)
Dr. Cox: (confused) You're welcome.
                        -- My Best Friend's Mistake (1.03)
%
J.D.: I'm... I'm... I'm the doctor.
Guy: What are you, sixteen?
Woman: Oh, this is unacceptable.
Guy: What'd you have, like, coupons to this hospital, ma?
Woman: I should—we should have gone to my doctor.
Mrs. Tanner: Now that's enough! Now, sure, he's young, but he's probably a very good doctor. Are you a good doctor?
J.D.: It's kinda too soon to tell.
                        -- My Old Lady (1.04)
%
Mrs. Tanner: Sweetie, I'm seventy-four years old, I'm ready to go.
J.D.: Yeah, but with dialysis, you could live another... eighty or ninety years!
Mrs. Tanner: I think you're being a little irrational.
J.D.: No I'm not.
Mrs. Tanner: Everybody dies sometime.
J.D.: No they don't.
                        -- My Old Lady (1.04)
%
Dr. Cox: What in the name of Are You There, God? It's Me, Margaret were you thinking?
                        -- My Two Dads (1.05)
%
Dr. Kelso: I'm very proud of you, Dr... uh...
J.D.: (narration) Just look at my badge!
Dr. Kelso: ...Dr. Turk!
J.D.: Oh, that's my roommate's badge. We must have switched this morning...
Dr. Kelso: That's a great anecdote. You should write it down in your journal. Then your kids can read about it when you're dead!
                        -- My Two Dads (1.05)
%
J.D.: Your ex-wife. She's the answer.
Dr. Cox: Uhhh... Things that ruined my life. Things that took half my money? Things with sharp edges!
                        -- My Bad (1.06)
%
J.D. (narration) I'll always remember that moment as the first "thank you" I got from Dr. Cox.
Dr. Cox: Well, geez, Agnes, does the field hockey team know that you're missing?
J.D. (narration) It felt good.
                        -- My Bad (1.06)
%
J.D.: So he has a cute butt. Everyone has a cute butt. I have a cute butt.
Carla: You should bring it in sometime.
                        -- My Super Ego (1.07)
%
Elliot: You know I kinda had a date last night?
J.D.: Really?
Elliot: Yeah, a guy on the bus fell asleep on me and drooled on my shoulder.
J.D.: ...You slut.
                        -- My Super Ego (1.07)
%
J.D.: (as Robin in a daydream) Holy inferiority complex, Batman! How low is my self esteem that I'm the sidekick in my own fantasy?
Turk: (as Batman) It could be worse, Robin. You could be Alfred the butler.
J.D.: (as Alfred) Damn you, sir.
                        -- My Fifteen Minutes (1.08)
%
J.D. (narration) It's funny how our perceptions can be so off. Like when you're searching for a place to fit in and you don't realize you've been there the whole time. Or how a bunch of posters can't turn you into a role model if you've already been one for years. Of course, in my case I knew exactly where I stood and it didn't feel that good.
Dr. Cox: (To intern review board) I would like to make special mention of one intern, here. John Dorian. Smart kid, he's extremely competent, and his enthusiasm and his determination to always be better is something I see 24 hours a day. He cares. He cares too much. But he's definitely somebody you don't want to lose. (As he walk away) Now if you have any questions... Well, I could give a crap! I'm going home. Ya'll get paid way too much for doing nothing anyway.
                        -- My Fifteen Minutes (1.08)
%
Dr. Kelso: Doctor Cox, did you get my memo reminding all senior staff that lab coats must be worn at all times?
Dr. Cox: You know I did get it there, Bob, and at first I just threw it away, but then I decided that wasn't a grand enough gesture, so I made a replica of you out of straw and I put my lab coat on it with your memo in the pocket, and then I invited all the kids in the neighborhood to come over to light it on fire and whack it with sticks.
                        -- My Day Off (1.09)
%
J.D.: I want you to know, if I ever need surgery again, I want you inside of me.
Turk: I wanna be the one inside of you.
                        -- My Day Off (1.09)
%
Janitor: Your new nickname is Scooter.
J.D.: Why?
Janitor: It's short for scooter pie. (J.D. stares at him blankly.) I hate scooter pie.
J.D.: Oh, now I see. (voiceover) Ya big jerk.
                        -- My Nickname (1.10)
%
Dr. Cox: (To annoying patient) Okay, think of what little patience I have as, oh, I don't know, your virginity. You always thought it would be there, until that night Junior Year when you were feeling a little down about yourself and your pal Kevin, who just wanted to be friends, well, he dropped by and he brought a copy of About Last Night and a four-pack of Bartles & Jaymes and badaow, it was gone forever—just like my patience is now.
                        -- My Nickname (1.10)
%
J.D.: (voiceover) Oh, God, his ex-wife. The tension actually hurts. You have to break it; say something, anything! (aloud) Banana hammock!
Dr. Cox: I'm betting your ability to thrive under pressure is what drove you to medicine.
                        -- My Own Personal Jesus (1.11)
%
J.D.: (holding up mistletoe) Who put this up!?
Janitor: I did. I drove around the whole city before my 5 a.m. shift just... looking for that—trying to add a little cheer.
J.D.: I was just trying to—
Janitor: Oh, I know exactly what you're trying to do. But you will not ruin my Christmas. Not again. Not this year. (leaves)
J.D.: But I've only worked here for three months.
                        -- My Own Personal Jesus (1.11)
%
Alex: Does this big metal contraption make me look fat?
J.D.: More chunky than fat.
                        -- My Blind Date (1.12)
%
J.D.: (voiceover) I've been thinking a lot lately about taking chances, and how it's really just about overcoming your fears. Because the truth is, every time you take a big risk in your life, no matter how it ends up, you're always glad you took it.
                        -- My Blind Date (1.12)
%
Turk: Okay, it's true, I have never said "I love you" to a woman before.
Todd: Well, then, how do you get them to sleep with you?
                        -- My Balancing Act (1.13)
%
Elliot : Listen, Carla, I can't even pretend that I can give you tips on intercourse...
Carla: I got one for you: stop calling it that.
Elliot: My therapist thinks my trouble in bed stems from a basic fear of intimacy. But I just think it's just because any type of repetitive motion makes me nauseous. Oh, and since I was a little kid, I've always had nightmares about being crushed.
Carla: That poor shrink.
                        -- My Balancing Act (1.13)
%
J.D.: (about to sleep with his girlfriend for the first time) Remember when the new Star Wars movie came out? It was all built up, and when people finally saw it, it wasn't that great in bed?
                        -- My Drug Buddy (1.14)
%
Dr. Cox: Lookit, Newbie: Just because you have a new girlfriend doesn't mean that the world has suddenly turned in to a giant green M&M. The Red Sox still suck, they do; Barbie, here, still can't decide what to do with those annoying bangs....
(Elliot pulls her hair out of her face)
Dr. Cox: (continuing) ...And addicts everywhere will still lie, cheat, and steal just to get a fix.
(He grabs J.D. by the shoulders)
Dr. Cox: (affecting a womanly voice) ...Now, you've got to wake up, sweetheart, you're gonna be late for school— Aw, you wet the bed! Why can't I have a normal child without these problems?! (leaves)
Elliot: My mom says they frame my face.
J.D.: They don't.
                        -- My Drug Buddy (1.14)
%
Dr. Cox: Why did I become a doctor? Well gosh, I guess it's because ever since I was a little boy I just wanted to help people. You know, I don't tell this story often, but I remember when I was seven years old, one time I found a bird that had fallen out of its nest, so I picked him up and I brought him home and I made him a house out of an empty shoebox and... oh my God! (breaks up laughing) I became a doctor for the same four reasons everybody does: chicks, money, power, and chicks. But, since HMOs have made it virtually impossible to make any real money, which directly affects the number of chicks that come sniffin' around, and don't ask me what tree they're barking up, 'cause they're sure as hell not pissing on mine, and as far as power goes, well: Here I am during my free time letting some thirteen-year-old psychology fellow who couldn't cut it in real medicine ask me questions about my personal life, so here's the inside scoop there, pumpkin, why don't you go ahead and tell me all about power.
                        -- My Bed Banter & Beyond (1.15)
%
Dr. Cox: Relationships don't work the way they do on television and in the movies. Will they? Won't they? And then they finally do, and they're happy forever. Gimme a break. Nine out of ten of them end because they weren't right for each other to begin with, and half of the ones who get married get divorced anyway, and I'm telling you right now, through all this stuff, I have not become a cynic, I haven't. Yes, I do happen to believe that love is mainly about pushing chocolate covered candies and, y'know, in some cultures, a chicken. You can call me a sucker, I don't care, because I do believe in it. Bottom line is: it's couples who are truly right for each other wade through the same crap as everybody else, but the big difference is they don't let it take them down. One of those two people will stand up and fight for that relationship every time. If it's right, and they're real lucky, one of them will say something.
                        -- My Bed Banter & Beyond (1.15)
%
Janitor: Girl problems?
J.D.: How'd you know?
Janitor: Look like you got problems. You're a girl. Hence, girl problems.
                        -- My Heavy Meddle (1.16)
%
J.D.: (To Dr. Cox just entering the hospital) Dr. Cox, I was wondering...
Dr. Cox: I'd say you're about a B-Cup.
Janitor: At least they're real.
J.D.: (voiceover) Yup, a great place to heal.
                        -- My Heavy Meddle (1.16)
%
J.D.: (narration) It's hard trying to figure out how to reach somebody. I guess the only thing to do is to think of someone that I look up to and remember how they first got through to me.
(Dr. Cox coming around the corner, approaches J.D.)
Dr. Cox: Newbie, the only way you could be less productive right now is if you were in fact, the wall on which you're leaning against. Of course, then you'd be providing some jackass with a wall on which to lean against and reflect on what a jackass he truly is. I know, here it's a conundrum, but don't you worry about it. I'll tackle that one right upstairs (points to his head). In the meantime, you could at least pretend to be doing some work. And right about now, even though you don't have your basket, oh it's just a terrific time for you to skip away, Shirley.
(J.D. walks away slowly)
Dr. Cox: Skip away, skip away, skip away (J.D. skips a little), skip, skip, skip to my lou, whoo hoo!
                        -- My Student (1.17)
%
Turk: Okay, so you're having a little trouble asking out Kristen. There's no shame in it.
Dr. Cox: Whoa there, Curly, I got no problem asking a woman out. Watch this. (to a passing woman) Wanna have a drink sometime?
Woman: No.
Dr. Cox: Good. (to Turk) See? I'm fine over here.
                        -- My Student (1.17)
%
Carla: Hey Bambi, you know Mr. Simon made one of the night nurses cry?
J.D.: Which one?
Carla: Frank.
Navy SEAL!
                        -- My Tuscaloosa Heart (1.18)
%
Turk: Sir, what happened to Bunny? We gotta know.
Dr. Kelso: Well, actually, the music came before Bunny. I learned to play the guitar growing up as a young rapscallion in Mississippi, but things didn't really take off until I moved to Memphis. Then, I met the Colonel, and the hits just kept on comin'! Unfortunately, it went to my head. I gained a lot of weight, wore a white jumpsuit, and ate tranquilizers like they were trail mix.
Elliot: Sir...
Dr. Kelso: Then in 1977 I died on the toilet... or did I?
Turk: You never played the guitar, did you?
Dr. Kelso: Son, that crap is for hippies! Now for God's sake get back to work! (in an Elvis Presley-like voice) Thank ya, thank ya very much.
                        -- My Tuscaloosa Heart (1.18)
%
(J.D. and Dr. Cox are in a patient's room talking. J.D. has just been told that he has to give a lecture for a resident.)
J.D.: That sucks, I totally wanted to spend some time with my dad tomorrow.
Dr. Cox: Then take him.
J.D.: What do you mean?
Dr. Cox: Secure a vehicle of some kind, car, balloon, tricycle. And transport your father from wherever he is to where you're going to be.
J.D.: I don't think you really get my dad. He's not really interested in my work. He's more like a buddy.
Dr. Cox: Okaaay, that was my mistake. Here I engaged you, and gave you the impression that I actually cared, which is just so wrong, God!
J.D.: The thing is I don't really need a buddy. What I need is a father.
Dr. Cox: Well, you definitely need something. Um, maybe a backbone. Or perhaps some testicles. At the very least, a pillow that you can carry around the hospital and cry your sad eyes out.
J.D.: (To patient, who has been listening to the conversation) I have testicles. He's a kidder.
                        -- My Old Man (1.19)
%
J.D.: (Narration) Maybe the mistake we make is thinking our parents will change. And maybe they did a better job than we give them credit for. And maybe there, amid all the crap they dumped on us, are some things worth keeping. Like a passion for something you never knew you had. Or the ability to constantly surround yourself with people who love you.
                        -- My Old Man (1.19)
%
Nurse: Oh, it's just coffee.
Dr. Cox: Oh, no, no. This is liquid crack; this is a mug full of sunshine; my dear, for me, this is like sex.
Nurse: Oh! Is that why you always finish so quickly?
Dr. Cox: (as Nurse walks away) Mmmm, and sassy too. If you can cook a steak, I'd eat it right off your bottom!
                        -- My Way or the Highway (1.20)
%
Carla: He doesn't know that I cry sometimes because I'm not sure there's a cat heaven.
                        -- My Way or the Highway (1.20)
%
Dr. Cox: The key to my exercise program is this one simple truth: I hate my body. You understand that the second you look in the mirror and you're happy with what you see, baby, you just lost the battle.
Turk: You should give speeches to teenage girls.
                        -- My Sacrificial Clam (1.21)
%
Dr. Cox: Hey, do you know any women who hate themselves enough to actually date me?
                        -- My Sacrificial Clam (1.21)
%
Ben: Jordan, you're a big girl. When you got divorced you put people in the awkward position of having to choose between you and Perry.
Jordan: You're my brother!
Ben: Well, admittedly that made it hard—ooh, here's a good one. (holds up a snapshot he just took of Jordan) "Me so cranky! Rrr."
                        -- My Occurrence (1.22)
%
(Dr. Cox is examining Ben, who has a nail impaled through his hand and stuck in a board. JD walks in.)
J.D.: What's that, like your "lucky board" or something?
Ben: What's that? Oh, no, it's a nail gun accident. (Shows J.D. the bottom, which is covered in blood)
J.D.: Oh my God, that's disgusting.
Dr. Cox: I already dosed him with morphine and the X-ray says the nail went straight through, so it's not that big a d... oh, dear God, she's getting woozy. Quickly, show her the bloody side.
Ben: Look at that. Oh, it's a nail. You wanna touch it? Touch the nail. Touch my nail! Touch it! LICK THE TIP OF MY NAIL!
(J.D. faints)
Dr. Cox: Goodnight!
                        -- My Occurrence (1.22)
%
J.D.: I think you won't face Ben because you're afraid.
Dr. Cox: I think you're right. I do. Partly because you've really gotten to know me this year, but mostly it's because well...I told you that I was afraid earlier today, so please don't tell me you've come here to reiterate things to me that I've already said, because I know the things I've already said. In fact... I'm the one who said them.
                        -- My Hero (1.23)
%
J.D.: (Narration) I think one of the most universal human experiences is feeling alone. You'd never know it, but there's most likely tons of people feeling the exact same way. Maybe because you're feeling abandoned. Maybe because you realize that you aren't as self-sufficient as you thought. Maybe because you know you should've handled something differently. Or maybe because you aren't as good as you thought you were. Either way, when you hit that low point, you have a choice. You can either wallow in self-pity, or you can suck it up. It's your call.
                        -- My Hero (1.23)
%
Dr. Cox: Don't ever be afraid to come to me about this kinda stuff, newbie. The simple fact that you seem to even give a crap is why I took an interest in you to begin with. It's why I trust you as a doctor; hell, it's... it's why I trust you as a person.
J.D.: ...Are you dying?
Dr. Cox: I've got a new shrink.
                        -- My Last Day (1.24)
%
Jordan: Sex is for two things: making babies and revenge.
                        -- My Last Day (1.24)
%
(J.D. wakes up next to Turk)
J.D.: This is unacceptable. You said we were gonna sleep head to foot.
Turk: Dude, either way the naughty bits are still in the middle.
J.D.: Yeah, but with the head to foot alignment there's no way for them to (makes hand gesture) lock in.
Turk: Dude, could you be more homophobic?
J.D.: I'm not.
(Turk whisks off duvet. J.D. is already dressed.)
J.D.: Ready to go?
                        -- My Overkill (2.01)
%
The Todd: Ladies, now that the Todd is a resident, he wants to clear things up so you don't have to wonder any more. (pointing to nurses) Yes, yes, no, yes, no, and yes if I've been drinking.
Nurse Roberts: Come here, Wonder Bread.
The Todd: What's up, doll?
Nurse Roberts: If you ever get this close again, I will end you.
The Todd: I'm changing you to a yes because you're fiesty!
                        -- My Overkill (2.01)
%
(Jordan has just witnessed Dr. Cox trashing J.D.)
Jordan: Good job, D.J.
J.D.: It's J.D.! You know, at least I remember the names of all my sexual partners!
Jordan: Well, I'm sure that girl from high school and your bunkmate from Camp Morningwood are both extremely grateful.
                        -- My Nightingale (2.02)
%
Carla: Look, you've all been on call before. So you don't have a safety net! Most of the time you don't need one anyway, right?
(silence)
Carla: Fine. I'll just go tell your patients they're on their own because you're all too scared.
J.D.: No, Carla, I'm a doctor... I should tell them.
Elliot: (grabs some charts) C'mon peeps - let's go kick some sick patient ass! (walks off, upbeat)
J.D.: (takes a chart) That, my friends, is one nerdy honky! (walks away)
Turk: That's two.
                        -- My Nightingale (2.02)
%
Turk: Dr. Kelso, how can you make love to your wife if she's at fat camp?
Dr. Kelso: The question is, how can I make love to her if she's not at fat camp?
                        -- My Case Study (2.03)
%
(Dr. Cox disapproves of J.D. currying Kelso's favor)
J.D.: You know, I don't care what you think.
Dr. Cox: Yeah, you do.
J.D.: I know. Look, I wanna be like you... but a more successful you. There's nothing wrong with playing the game once in a while. Tell you what, in 10 years, when I'm your boss, I'll put in a good word for you and you won't even have to ask... sir.
                        -- My Case Study (2.03)
%
Janitor: (eating soup with a fork) Fork! Me can't eat soup! Rawrr!
J.D.: I don't think you're stupid; your job requires a lot of know-how. I mean, it's not like you're ladling out sloppy joes.
(notices the cafeteria worker in front of him holding a ladle of sloppy joe)
J.D.: You know, my-my uncle was a joer.
                        -- My Big Mouth (2.04)
%
Elliot: (Talking to patient) It's like being blind in one eye, except you'll be blind in both.
                        -- My Big Mouth (2.04)
%
Ted: Unfortunately, you've, uh, put us in somewhat of a legal bind.
Kelso: Way to go, Ted. My God, man, you couldn't scare a child.
Ted: Wh-who would want to?
                        -- My New Coat (2.05)
%
J.D.: A patient's blaming me for losing his sense of smell.
Ted: Oh my God, you cut off someone's nose?! Where is it? Do you have it on you? You're disgusting.
J.D.: Ted, I don't have the nose. Maybe you should calm down—
Ted: MAYBE YOU SHOULD CALM DOWN!!
                        -- My New Coat (2.05)
%
Carla: You don't want to get on Bambi's bad side, and suffer the wrath of Bambi!
                        -- My Big Brother (2.06)
%
Dan: So, you slept with my little brother. If he tries hard, but there's room for improvement, take a sip.
(Elliot takes a sip)
J.D.: Elliot!
Elliot: What? I was thirsty.
J.D.: Well, ok, ask me if she could be better. (drains glass) What? Thirsty!
Elliot: (aside to Dan) I wasn't thirsty.
                        -- My Big Brother (2.06)
%
Julie Keaton: Plomox is the most effective antiarrhythmic drug on the market right now, and it has minimal side effects — only nausea, impotence, and anal leakage.
Dr. Cox: (smiling) I'm gettin' two out of three just from the conversation!
                        -- My First Step (2.07)
%
Julie Keaton: So, this is romantic... the two of us, full moon...
Dr. Cox: Homeless guy pissing on a dumpster...
                        -- My First Step (2.07)
%
Dr. Cox: So my girlfriend serviced most of the staff? I'm proud of her commitment to medicine.
Carla: It's not like you haven't had sex with other people. Your ex-wife, that med student, your ex-wife, the cute nurse from radiology, your ex-wife...
Dr. Cox: Would you get off my ex-wife?
Carla: I will if you will.
Dr. Cox: (laughs) Dammit, now I'm too gosh-darned proud of you to be mad!
                        -- My Fruit Cups (2.08)
%
J.D.: (to the Janitor after he asks him if he's been stealing pudding and toilet paper) I hate pudding, and I don't use toilet paper... (pauses) I have one of those French things that shoots water up your butt.
Janitor: Bidet?
J.D.: Bidet to you, sir.
                        -- My Fruit Cups (2.08)
%
J.D.: Hey, Dr. Cox! You’ll be happy to know that I did everything for my patient, that you did for yours.
Dr. Cox: Oh, my God, I care so little, I almost passed out.
Dr. Kelso: Hey, Ace, your TTP patient coded. I pronounced him.
J.D.: He died?
Dr. Kelso: I certainly hope so, otherwise that autopsy is gonna be a bitch.
                        -- My Lucky Day (2.09)
%
Elliot: (to a patient who's suing her) I know what your problem is; you blame your problems on everyone else. Well, you know what? If your job isn't challenging, you should get another career. If you have trouble with relationships, maybe it's because you have problems with commitment. I know, because I'm the same way; I blame my parents for spoiling me, I blame this place for taking up all my time... Well, no more. I'm going to grow up and start holding myself accountable.
Patient: Good for you.
Elliot: You're still suing me, aren't you?
Patient: Yes, but now I feel like you can handle it.
                        -- My Lucky Day (2.09)
%
Dr. Cox: You know, Jordan, I have to tell you: despite how crazy-hormonal you are, there is something about a pregnant woman that's almost spiritual.
Jordan: Really?
Dr. Cox: Honestly you—
Jordan: Mm-hmm.
Dr. Cox: —you have never looked so beautiful.
Jordan: It's the giant boobs, isn't it.
Dr. Cox: Well, have you seen them lately?
J.D.: I've seen bigger. (To Nurse Roberts) Not on you. Although, kudos!
Nurse Roberts: Mm-hmm!
                        -- My Monster (2.10)
%
Dr. Kelso: Dr. Reid, this is not "Bring Your Problems To Work Day", this is just "Work Day".
                        -- My Monster (2.10)
%
J.D.: (voiceover) And then she said something every man is dying to hear...
Elliot : We can be sex buddies...
J.D. : (hears fanfare) I mean... if you want.
                        -- My Sex Buddy (2.11)
%
Dr. Cox: Oh, and by the way, Barbie: if word were to get around that Uncle Cox was doling out the feel-goods... (grins) I'll make you pay. You have no idea. Huge.
                        -- My Sex Buddy (2.11)
%
J.D: Hey, you're black, right?
Turk: Here we go.
J.D: I hate that stereotype that black people all yell at movie screens, y'know? Like you go to see a horror flick and you'd be yelling like, "Don't go in there, girl! He behind the do'!" Y'know? It's like... it's offensive.
Turk: You wish you were allowed to yell at the screen, don't ya?
J.D: ...Why does she go in there?! I mean, he's behind the do'!
                        -- My New Old Friend (2.12)
%
J.D.: (narration) There are a few things I've always believed in. Flowers are good for any occasion. And nothing is more important than making time for an old friend, especially if the old girl has seen better days. Because even if it breaks your heart to be "just friends," if you really care about someone, you'll take the hit.
                        -- My New Old Friend (2.12)
%
Turk: Tonight, I'm gonna make her a nice dinner, then I'm gonna put the ring in her champagne glass.
J.D.: You might as well put it in her cham-lame glass.
Turk: Okay, Mr. Know-It-All, what would you do?
J.D.: Okay, first you gotta get, like, 50 candles, right?
Turk: Mm-hmm?
J.D.: You spread 'em all over the room with some rose petals....
Turk: That's right, because the roses are beautiful, and they make the room smell amazing.
J.D.: Like a meadow in springtime.
Turk: Mmm.
(Carla comes in)
Carla: What are you guys talking about?
Turk: Nothing; guy talk!
J.D.: Yeah, bitches and hoes.
                        -- My Philosophy (2.13)
%
J.D.: I still can't believe I power-walked butt-naked through the halls of the hospital last night!
Turk: My man, I know that wasn't you.
J.D.: How?
Turk: I'm not really proud of this, but I can pick your puff'n'stuff out of a lineup.
J.D.: Oh, it changed since you saw it. It got a haircut.
                        -- My Brother, My Keeper (2.14)
%
Dr. Kelso: Perry! Hi. How are you, et cetera. The wife and I just took out a new insurance policy and I need a physical.
Dr. Cox: Bob, the day I willingly cradle your dusty old twig and berries and get a whiff of your chronic halitosis while you turn your head and cough, is the day you can look for me up on the roof singing "I Believe I Can Fly."
Dr. Kelso: Great stuff. See you about two-ish.
                        -- His Story (2.15)
%
Elliot: I'm dating a Murse!
J.D.: Well it's better than dating a mecretary or a manicurist... oh wait, that works.
                        -- His Story (2.15)
%
Jordan: I'm going home.
Dr. Cox: No, no you're not-
Jordan: Bye-bye!
Dr. Cox: Jordan, your water just broke.
Jordan: This kid's annoying me already.
                        -- My Karma (2.16)
%
Elliot: Of course I'm holding back, I'm insane, you idiot! Remember the other day when you told me I had pit stains? Well, I have cried every 15 minutes on the half hour since you told me that. I am racked with self-doubt, I have panic attacks, I'm claustrophobic, germaphobic, phobia phobic, I talk to myself, I talk to my cats, I talk to three separate shrinks about the fact that often my cats respond to me in my mother's voice and yesterday, when that stupid pretty surgical nurse handed you a pair of latex gloves, I almost killed the guy whose leg I was stitching up because I couldn't stop thinking about the two of you having sex on a box of steaks! Why a box of steaks? Cause my dad had an affair with a female butcher! And as I mentioned before, I am insane. There, I opened up, are you happy?
                        -- My Karma (2.16)
%
Dr. Cox: The thing is, this time, I am killing myself for this woman and I am still gettin' my ass handed to me.
Carla: There is no Shangri-La, you know. Every relationship is messed up. What makes it perfect is if you still wanna be there when things really suck.
                        -- My Karma (2.16)
%
(J.D. walks up to the Janitor, dragging Elliot by her arm)
J.D.: I want you to tell her the truth, dammit, alright? Tell her that you're a surly, devious, horrible excuse for a human being.
(A small boy is standing next to the Janitor)
J.D.: Who's that?
Janitor: That's my son.
Elliot: Oh my God, J.D.! (leaves)
J.D.: I-I-I'm sorry. I-I didn't even see him there...
Janitor: No. I'm glad he heard it. I think it's important he sees how the world treats people like us.
J.D.: ...I'm so sorry. (walks away ashamed)
Janitor: (to kid) Who the hell are you? ...Go on, beat it. Scram! ...Alright, stick around.
                        -- My Own Private Practice Guy (2.17)
%
The Todd: Oh, Miss Pacman, I would sex that bow right off your head. Oh, eat those dots, you naughty girl!
                        -- My Own Private Practice Guy (2.17)
%
J.D. I decided to take Jamie out on a date.
Carla: Who?
Turk: You know, Tasty Coma Wife?
Elliot: No way!
Dr. Cox: Nice job there, Hooch. I tell you what: You give me some prep time, and I'll rig it so the husband can come with you. Honest to God, I'll have him sitting right next to you. Whaddaya say?
(In J.D.'s fantasy, Mr. Moyer appears from over his shoulder)
Mr. Moyer: I'm free, and I love Italian.
J.D.: You be quiet!
(cuts back to reality)
Carla: I can't believe you, Bambi!
Turk: She's so right, man.
Elliot: What are you thinking?
Dr. Cox: Oh, Rin Tin Tin Tin Tin...
J.D.: SHUT UP, SHUT UP, SHUT UP AND SHUT UP, OK?! Who are you people to give me advice about anything?! All you do is just bitch about your relationships all day long! (to Dr. Cox) And you know what, glare all you want, big dog, okay? 'Cause I'm not afraid of you. (mimicking Cox) "Oh no! Jordan's only paying attention to the baby!" That must be so hard for "Dr. Look-At-Me", isn't it? "LOOK AT ME!" (to Turk and Carla) And you two? What, you're arguing since you got engaged? Wow, you're probably the first couple that's ever done that ever. It can't be that you're just scared, is it? (to Elliot) And you! Y-you know what, let's just — let's just forget for one second, that a month ago you told me you couldn't be in a relationship with anyone, because, for me, it's actually fun to watch you sabotage a relationship from the outside, it really is. (to everyone) Honestly, the only thing that gives me comfort, you guys, is that while I'm sitting at home, staring at the ceiling, just wishing that I had someone to talk to, is knowing that none of you idiots realize how lucky you are!
(He storms out. Laverne walks in)
Laverne: Did I miss something good?
                        -- My T.C.W. (2.18)
%
J.D.: (voiceover) I don't think people are meant to be by themselves. That's why if you actually find someone you care about, it's important to let go of the little things, even if you can't let go all the way. Because nothing sucks more than feeling all alone, no matter how many people are around.
                        -- My T.C.W. (2.18)
%
Elliot: (walking up to Doctor Cox, who is experiencing difficulties with an outdated, broken computer) Doctor Cox—
Dr. Cox: (angrily, to computer) Work. I hate you. You suck.
Elliot: I know, but I've been trying harder—
Dr. Cox: Barbie? Talking to the computer, but nice self esteem.
Paul: Hey cowboy, how about you back off the little lady, and we'll all agree that you're really, really scary.
Dr. Cox: Look Flowers, I know your pink scrubs are balled up at the base of Barbie's bed three nights a week, and congrats on that, really. But if you're gonna go ahead and have a showdown with everyone who hassles her, you two won't have time for that sweet, Aryan sex that you love so much. Hit the bricks, towheads.
                        -- My Kingdom (2.19)
%
Dr. Cox: (referring to a broken computer) Why have we never fixed or replaced this monstrosity?
Laverne: You know the deal around here: if it barely works, it's not gonna get replaced.
Dr. Cox: Well, I guess that explains why your ass is still on the payroll, huh? Ohhhhhhhhhhhh! Somebody stop me!
                        -- My Kingdom (2.19)
%
J.D.: Look... Janitor, I'm gonna be straight with you. I saw your penis and I noticed a possible melanoma that you should really have checked out.
Janitor: When did you see my penis?
J.D.: Last night when you were showering.
Janitor.: Where were you?
J.D.: Oh, I was outside in the bushes.
Janitor: (dumbfounded)
J.D.: Look, it was just a coincidence, man. If you had looked out of the window you would've seen MY penis, you know.
Janitor: What? Why?
J.D.: Because I had it out while I was looking at yours!
                        -- My Interpretation (2.20)
%
J.D.: (Inspecting the Janitor's penis after seeing a possible melanoma) Well, I still want to refer you to a dermatologist, but it looks benign.
Janitor: Yeah, benign, nine and a half...
                        -- My Interpretation (2.20)
%
Dr. Cox: Oh gosh, Denise, thank you for clarifying my point by repeating it word for word. Now, in a reciprocal gesture, can I be included in the planning of your coming out party?
J.D.: Is that a gay joke?
Dr. Cox: No, it's a cotillion joke. My God, newbie, it's been two furiously frustrating years. How is it possible that you still don't get me? I would never compare you to the gays. I like the gays. I like their music. I like their sense of style. I especially like what they've done with Halloween, but our thing is that you are a little girl. That's who you are. But maybe that's not fair...
J.D.: (narration) Nothing can stop Dr. Cox when he's on a roll like this...
Carla: My mom died.
J.D.: (narration) Except that.
                        -- My Drama Queen (2.21)
%
Dr. Cox: You are what you eat. And you clearly went out and devoured a big fat guy, didn't ya?
                        -- My Drama Queen (2.21)
%
Dr. Cox: Oh, hey, Bob, here's an idea: What say you stop showing up altogether? We'll just replace you with a giant time-clock. Oh, and if we ever get to missing you, we'll just have a tiny little Bob Kelso cuckoo bird pop out every couple of minutes and say "I've never satisfied a woman. I've never satisfied a woman. I've never satisfied a woman."
                        -- My Dream Job (2.22)
%
Jordan: When do we eat?
Dr. Cox: Look Jordan could you just give me ten seconds to myself here.
Jordan: No
Dr. Cox: You know you are being very immature..and oh my god is that guy on fire!
(Dr. Cox runs into the on call room)
Elliot: (Happily) Dr. Cox
Dr. Cox: From one hell to another
                        -- My Dream Job (2.22)
%
(J.D and Cox witness Kelso berating Elliot, who is near tears)
J.D.: If she was your daughter you'd totally know how to handle it.
Dr. Cox: My God, you're right.
(Cox walks up to and knocks out Kelso with one punch)
Dr. Cox: You're doing fine there, Barbie.
Elliot: (stunned) ...Thank you?
Dr. Cox: Everybody have a good one! (smiles warmly at Elliot) I'm going home to see my son... 'Scuse me, there, Bobbo.
J.D.:(narration) That may come up tomorrow.
                        -- My Dream Job (2.22)
%
Nurse Roberts: You'll be okay, Marshmallow.
Elliot: Laverne, do you call me "Marshmallow" because I'm soft and easily flattened?
Nurse Roberts: Well, yeah... But, if it makes you feel any better, it's also because you're very white.
                        -- My Own American Girl (3.01)
%
Elliot: Oh, my God! Isn't she beautiful! I mean, this car has totally maxed out my credit, but my self-esteem's been so low lately that I think it's worth it. Don't you?
Delivery Guy: I just deliver the cars. (throws her the keys) She's all yours.
(As Elliot grabs the keys, a truck roars by and takes out the passenger door.)
Elliot:: Frick!
                        -- My Own American Girl (3.01)
%
Dr. Moyer: These are my machines!
Carla: Sir—
Dr. Moyer: MY MACHINES!
Turk: Whose machines?
Dr. Moyer: MY MACHINES!
J.D.: (to Turk) How was that helpful?
                        -- My Own American Girl (3.01)
%
Elliot: (Upon applying red lipstick in preparation for a date) Dr. Cox, does this shade of red make me look like a clown?
Dr. Cox: No... Barbie, no. It makes you look like a prostitute that caters exclusively to clowns.
Elliot: Oh! Ah... that was my mistake, I keep forgetting that you're a horrible, horrible person.
Dr. Cox: Ooh, Backbone Barbie!
                        -- My Journey (3.02)
%
Elliot: Oh, so you've never dreamed about your wedding day.
J.D.: (drifts off)
Priest: Do you, John Dorian, take Marcia Brady to be your wife?
Maureen McCormick: My name is Maureen McCormick.
J.D.: Marcia, please! Father, continue.
                        -- My Journey (3.02)
%
Dr. Kelso: Well, don't worry about it, son, those things are a dime a dozen.
Bruce: Really?
Dr. Kelso: In fact, if you get bored, why don't you just hijack an ice cream truck and drive it through our brand new pathology lab? But do me a favor and spare the paper shredder, because I'll need that to turn your next twelve paychecks into a clown wig you can wear for the rest of your internship!
                        -- My White Whale (3.03)
%
J.D.: Hey, Sean, you were right about me and my interns. I guess I owe you an apology.
Carla: Damn straight, you do! You know what your problem is, Bambi? You're—(Turk picks her up and carries her away) Oh! Turk! Please? Just one more second? I need the rush! Please? (to J.D.) I'm coming back for you!
                        -- My White Whale (3.03)
%
Dr. Cox: (To Dr. Steadman) You're a doctor? Here, all this time I thought that you were some kind of parasitic creature that lived shoulder-deep inside Big Bob's colon.
Dr. Steadman: (To Dr. Kelso) If only, sir.
                        -- My Lucky Night (3.04)
%
Dr. Cox: (to J.D) I'm gonna go ahead and write you a prescription for two testicles; and you feel free to get this filled out whenever you want.
                        -- My Lucky Night (3.04)
%
Dan: (objecting to Dr. Cox's harsh treatment of a patient) Hey, that's a human being there!
Dr. Cox: I'm sorry, Dan, what do you do?
Dan: I tend bar.
Dr. Cox: Well, how about you let me worry about the way we do thing around here, but by gum, if I ever need advice on just how to make a really dynamite rum and Coke, well then you'd better be by the phone, mister, cause I might just give you a jingle. (mimes talking on a phone) "Bah-rrring! Hello, Dan? Cox-a-roonie. Regarding the rum and Coke issue. Couldn't be more confused."
                        -- My Brother Where Art Thou? (3.05)
%
J.D.: Look, Dan. I want to apologize for everything I said. For what it's worth, I really like having you around.
Dan: No, you don't.
J.D.: I know. I have dreams where I staple your fingers to your face.
                        -- My Brother Where Art Thou? (3.05)
%
(J.D. and several other residents are watching TV; Dr. Cox turns it off; they groan)
Dr. Cox: Fine. Let me just tell you how it ends. Dr. Phil says, "And how is that working out... for you?" And then the big fat lady cries, waah. Alright. I'm sure you're wondering why I accepted the position of Residency Director considering my disdain for, well... all of you. Is it the extra four dollars a week in my paycheck? Or is it the fact that I finally have a chance to make a difference in this god forsaken hellhole?
(Elliot looks pleased and impressed)
Dr. Cox: It's all about the four dollars, trust me.
                        -- My Advice To You (3.06)
%
Danni: Unrequited love sucks, you know?
J.D.: You know what we need to do, uhhh...?
Danni: Danni.
J.D.: J.D.
Danni: Hi.
J.D.: Hi. Danni, we need to move on, okay? No more thinking about our exes, no more waiting for the phone to ring, no more stealing her purse just so you can return it later in hopes that she'll be so grateful she'll use the money recovered to buy you a drink and maybe have sex with you after.
Danni: Did that work?
J.D.: I stole the wrong purse. And yes.
                        -- My Advice To You (3.06)
%
Jordan: I'm having second thoughts about our giant nanny. She's lovely and all, but every time the fridge is empty, she looks at our son like he's a plate of ribs.
Dr. Cox: Well, you shoulda let me hire the really skinny model. At least if she ate Jack, she'd throw him up right after.
                        -- My Fifteen Seconds (3.07)
%
Danni: What are you doing here?
Dr. Cox: I called him. Lookit, after shooting my mouth off the other night I've been feeling a lot of... well...
Jordan: Guilt.
Dr. Cox: No, not that.
J.D.: Guilt?
Dr. Cox: Yes, that.
(Jordan rolls her eyes)
Dr. Cox: I... I don't like her to be right.
                        -- My Fifteen Seconds (3.07)
%
Dr. Cox: Carla, I have a six-month old child, I'm gonna be one of those weird old guys who brings my son down to the park, where everybody is like, "Hmm, is he the dad, is he the grandad, is he the grandad's grandad and oh my God, why is he pushing a traffic cone on the swing while his five-year old little boy is in the mud crying? Is—is he taunting the little boy? No! He can't even see the little boy, and, now look: he's actually taking the traffic cone, putting it in the minivan and driving away while the little boy cries and the traffic cone sits quietly and watches Finding Nemo on DVD."
                        -- My Friend the Doctor (3.08)
%
Dr. Cox: Do you...do you think that my son will like me?
Carla: Oh, God no.
                        -- My Friend the Doctor (3.08)
%
Elliot: Oh my God! She has a tattoo of a teardrop on her bajingo! Is it sad?
Carla: Her vagina Elliot, she has a tattoo on her beautiful vagina.
(Turk walks in)Turk: (Gasp)This just isn't fair, not fair at all it's ridiculous! (storms off)
                        -- My Dirty Secret (3.09)
%
Jordan: (kisses Cox) Hurry home tonight so you can ignore your son and not do your share.
Dr. Cox: (laughs weakly) You make me want to kill myself and everybody around me!
                        -- My Dirty Secret (3.09)
%
Elliot: Carla, if your wedding ceremony's gonna be in Spanish, how will I know that you're officially married?
Carla: (sarcastically) Cause all my cousins will throw tortillas in the air and fire their guns.
Elliot: Really? God I wish I was ethnic.
                        -- My Rule of Thumb (3.10)
%
Dr. Kelso: Hey champ, what has two thumbs and doesn't give a crap? (points to self with thumbs) Bob Kelso. How ya doin'.
                        -- My Rule of Thumb (3.10)
%
Turk: If Tyra Banks drove her car over my mom then offered to have sex with me, I'd have to dial 911 in the nude because my pants would already be off.
Carla: That's sweet—while your mother lays there dying!
Turk: (to J.D.) Tell her.
J.D.: His mom doesn't die. Tyra uses her connections in the supermodel world to get government scientists to put Turk's mom's brain into Heidi Klum's body. She falls in love with me, we all move in together.
Turk: It'd be awkward at first, but I'd make it work... because I love my mom.
J.D.: Mmm... and I would love her too!
Carla: New low.
                        -- My Clean Break (3.11)
%
Dr. Cox: As Residency Director, it is my pleasure to have both surgical and medical personnel here with us today. In fact, in this room, we have enough brainpower to light up a city! Not a real city, mind you, but definitely a tiny ant city whose government has recently passed a series of stringent energy conservation laws.
Doug: (taking notes, whispering to J.D.) Stringent what?
J.D.: (whispering to Doug) Stringent updoc. (to Turk) It's happening.
(Doug raises his hand)
Dr. Cox: Yes, nervous guy?
Doug: What's "up Doc"?
                        -- My Clean Break (3.11)
%
Carla: (to J.D., who is flaunting his new hair wax) Your hair smells like Elliot's.
J.D.: Well, your breath smells like chimichangas! (storms off)
Carla: (to Elliot) Was that racist?
Elliot: Well, it depends. Did you have chimichangas for breakfast?
Carla: ...Maybe.
                        -- My Catalyst (3.12)
%
Kevin Casey: (to Ted) Hey Hair Club, that suit does it come with the flop sweat?
                        -- My Catalyst (3.12)
%
Janitor: Okay, look, attention roof-poopers! Setting aside, for a moment, the fact that I'm going to make sure that you all live to regret this day, let's keep the magic rolling. Let's not tell anyone else that there's a toilet on the roof— (the Todd walks in) There is not a toilet on the roof!
The Todd: But you just said there was!
Janitor: No—yes, I did, but I was using a metaphor... ah, that means God is watching us. You've heard this... There's a "Toilet" on the "Roof". Right, people?
(Group agreement)
                        -- My Porcelain God (3.13)
%
Dr. Kevin Casey: Damn roof toilet's got my number.
Elliot: Can't lick it, huh?
Dr. Kevin Casey: Lord, no! I can't even sit on it!
                        -- My Porcelain God (3.13)
%
Ted: Sir, I think I know how my problem concerns a loved one.
Kelso: Go on.
Ted: It concerns me...?
Kelso: Swing and a miss.
                        -- My Screw Up (3.14)
%
Dr. Cox: Shower Shorts?
J.D: For the man who has nothing to hide, but still wants to.
                        -- My Screw Up (3.14)
%
Dr. Cox: Listen, Abby, I didn't write to you for advice, so if you continue down this road you are going to be eating, breathing and relieving yourself through a tube of some kind! Signed, Dealing With It On His Own, from Kansas.
J.D.: I once wrote to Abby because I didn't have any hair like the rest of the boys. By the time an answer came back it was like a forest down there! But, you know, nothing ventured.
Dr. Cox: I'm looking for streamers and a marching band because this will be the ceremonial one millionth time I've had to shake off something you've said.
                        -- My Tormented Mentor (3.15)
%
Dr. Cox: Listen to me, never stick any part of your hairless body in my life again. Trust me, there is nothing for you to gain from it, because even if you went on a cruise to the furthest parts of the ocean and rescued my salt-soaked body in time to pump the sea water out of my lungs and bring me back from the brink of death, I would still be disappointed that the first face I saw was yours.
J.D.: Well, you wouldn't see my face because it would be buried in your chest giving you the hug you've been afraid to ask for your whole life!
                        -- My Tormented Mentor (3.15)
%
Elliot: I can't find that girl's little pink doggie anywhere.
Todd: I got a pink doggie for you, but it's not little!
Elliot: If you show me your penis, I'm going to take it away from you.
                        -- My Butterfly (3.16)
%
Dr. Kelso: Do you think I got to be chief of medicine by being late?
Dr. Cox: No. You got there by back-stabbing and ass-kissing.
Dr. Kelso: Maybe so, but I started those things promptly at eight.
                        -- My Butterfly (3.16)
%
Elliot: Laverne, did you pull up Mr. Thompson's old charts?
Nurse Roberts: He was here like 8 years ago complaining of the same abdominal pain, but as soon as he was given his pain medication, he went M.I.A.
Elliot: So he just took the drugs and bolted?
Nurse Roberts: No... he took some towels too.
                        -- My Moment of Un-Truth (3.17)
%
Elliot: Mr. Thompson, I was just taking a look at your old charts...
Dr. Kelso: Yes. He was just telling me that the last time he was here, the doctor couldn't diagnose him and just threw a bunch of painkillers at him instead.
Elliot: He did?
Mr. Thompson: I was so frustrated that I took off. But I have to say, with Dr. Reid here I know we'll finally get to the bottom of this. She is one terrific doctor.
Dr. Kelso: So this pain you're having is making you delusional?
                        -- My Moment of Un-Truth (3.17)
%
J.D.: Laverne, what would you give me if I got this jellybean in your cleavage?
Laverne: A concussion.
                        -- His Story II (3.18)
%
Carla: Christopher!
Turk: Christopher? You only call me that when you're mad at me... or when we're having sex. Baby, are you mad when we're having sex?
Carla: ...Sometimes.
                        -- His Story II (3.18)
%
Danni: Do you even enjoy spending time with me?
J.D.: "Enjoy" is such a strong word. I... I'm used to it! Y'know, like cafeteria food, or the constant threat of terrorism.
                        -- My Choosiest Choice of All (3.19)
%
J.D.: (narration) There comes a time when every man needs to make a choice, whether it's a professional choice or whether it's a personal choice. In the end, it's about integrity, and it's about chasing after what you really want, even if that means showing you both care a little. And sometimes... well, sometimes you just have to do what's right for your friend, even if it means sacrificing your own happiness. When it comes down to it, you just have to be proud of the decision you make.
                        -- My Choosiest Choice of All (3.19)
%
Dr. Cox: Bob, I cannot believe you're going to turn this hospital into a money-making machine that coerces people into spending their hard-earned cash on expensive procedures they don't even need.
Dr. Kelso: Why not? It sounds like something I'd do.
                        -- My Fault (3.20)
%
(Turk and Carla are at a cake store, in search of one for their wedding.)
Turk: What's up with the white people on top?
Carla: Turk, they don't have tiny plastic interracial couples.
Baker: I'll just color it in with some chocolate frosting.
Turk: Oh, that's a great idea. Put 'em in blackface.
Carla: Turk!
Turk: What? (To baker) While you're at it, why don't you put a string in the back of him, so when you pull it he sings "Mammy"!
Baker: Forget it.
(The baker walks off to the back of his shop.)
Turk: Where're you going?! To the back of the bakery where you keep all the other colored cakes? I'ma call Jesse! And we gonna march on your ass!
                        -- My Fault (3.20)
%
(Jack starts crying during a fight between Dr. Cox and Jordan)
Jordan: Great, we made him cry. If we keep this up, we are gonna scar him for life!
Dr. Cox: I don't necessarily buy into all that New Age-y crap. I once saw my mom knock my dad unconscious with a frying pan. You know what I did? Kept right on going with my birthday party!
                        -- My Self-Examination (3.21)
%
Turk: Carla, when I look in your eyes I see the future. I see kids. I see minivans. You name it, I see it. The weird thing is, as long as I see your smile, none of that stuff scares me.
                        -- My Self-Examination (3.21)
%
(Carla's wedding has gone disasterously wrong)
Carla: Ever since I was a little girl, I had this fairytale idea about the perfect wedding. And, oh yeah, I always ended up married.
Dr. Cox: Marriage is overrated. Jordan and I aren't married, and we're getting along great.
Jordan: Per, is making out with a stranger cheating?
Dr. Cox: Technically, not if it's under 10 seconds, dear.
Jordan: Eh, not worth it!
                        -- My Best Friend's Wedding (3.22)
%
Dr. Kelso: (Drunk) Dr. Turkleton!
Turk: Actually sir, it's just Turk.
Dr. Kelso: That's your first name.
Turk: You think my name is Turk Turkleton?
Dr. Kelso: (Carla walks up) And Mrs. Turkleton! The Turkletons! (chuckles; leaves to find bartender) Can I get another Scotch?
                        -- My Best Friend's Wedding (3.22)
%
It's J.D.'s last week of residency)
J.D.: (to Dr. Cox) C'mon, man, it's our last week together! The J.D. and Cox train is pulling into the station! You must have a metaphor you want to use. Hit me with it.
Dr. Cox: I suppose I could riff on a list of things I care as little about as our last week together. Let me see. Low-carb diets. The O.C. The U.N. Getting Punk'd. Danny Gans. The Latin Grammys. The real Grammys. Jeff, that Wiggle who sleeps too darn much. The Yankees' payroll. All the red states. All the blue states. Every hybrid car. Every talk show host. Everything on the planet. Everything in the solar system. Everything-everything-everything-everything that exists, past, present and future, in all discovered and undiscovered dimensions. Oh... and Hugh Jackman! (leaves)
J.D.: Hugh Jackman is Wolverine! How dare he!
                        -- My Old Friend's New Friend (4.01)
%
Dr. Cox: Newbie, do you want me to give my "things I don't care about" speech again? Because I've updated it to include all white guys who add -izzle to anything.
J.D.: I agrizzle, my nizzle.
                        -- My Old Friend's New Friend (4.01)
%
(Dr. Cox has just made Elliot Chief Resident, passing J.D. over; J.D. does not take the news well.)
Dr. Cox: Newbie, how you doing?
J.D.: (voiceover) OK, keep it together. It's "be a man" time. (out loud, barely holding together) No, it's fine. You went with your gut. Elliot's a great doctor. I do have three questions, though. (hysterically) Why do you hate me when I show you nothing but love, who's going to tell my mom, and what the hell am I supposed to do with ten thousand "John Dorian, Chief Resident" business cards!? (Falls to his knees, throwing business cards everywhere)
Dr. Cox: Yeah, Scarlet, you're chief resident too.
J.D.: Uh, what now?
Dr. Cox: Well, I figure with her being ridiculously book-smart to the point where she has almost no interpersonal skills, and you being warm and cuddly as an un-potty trained labradoodle, and about as useful in high-stress medical situations as an un-potty trained labradoodle, together, the two of you make one barely passable doctor...-slash-labradoodle.
J.D.: So wait, why didn't you just say that in the first place?
Dr. Cox: What, and miss your hall-of-fame hissy? Not on your life.
                        -- My Office (4.02)
%
Dr. Kelso: So what do you think?
Dr. Cox: Well, Bob, either this kid's got a light bulb up his butt, or his colon has a great idea.
                        -- My Office (4.02)
%
Molly Clock: I think, as a psychiatrist, I should be there when Ms. Myers' bandages get removed. I mean, the accident was traumatic enough, but with reconstructive facial surgey on top of that? In my professional opinion: yikes!
Dr. Cox: Well, if you are coming in, I might just go ahead and phone up my pool man and my architect so we populate the room with just as many useless people as possible.
Molly Clock: Great! My mom's in town, should I call her?
(Dr. Cox makes a face and walks off)
Carla: (laughing) That was good.
                        -- My New Game (4.03)
%
Dr. Cox: You know what? I've got a son, I don't fantasize about Jordan dying as much anymore, and, even though it wasn't planned, I'm actually pretty happy about the way this whole marriage thing has worked out. Sooo, would you please stop your chirping and step away from my personal life?
                        -- My New Game (4.03)
%
J.D: (narration) ...That's why it's always nice when someone takes the time to reach out and befriend you.
New Doctor: (Approaching from behind a wall) Hey! I'm Ron, I'm a new doctor here.
J.D: Hey Ron, the "I don't care" ward's down there.
                        -- My First Kill (4.04)
%
(J.D. is asking people at the hospital if they've ever unintentionally killed a patient)
Turk: Remember my first year, Mr. Quinn?
Elliot: Mrs. Kahn, my second year.
Doug: Mr. Studabaker, forty minutes into my first day.
Kelso: I've been a doctor for thirty years. What do you think?
Doug: On my third day there was Mr. Kirschner.
Todd: Jenny Roth about eight weeks ago. It was really tough, because she was hot.
Doug: Then later that third day... (his beeper goes off) Oh boy, that can't be good.
Dr. Cox: No, newbie, I've not killed. But I happen to be, as always, the exception that proves the rule. So right about now you gotta be asking yourself: do you think you're that good?
                        -- My First Kill (4.04)
%
J.D.: (narration) Even though I was already an amazing doctor, when I became chief resident I decided to add a little something extra to my repertoire. A hook, if you will.
(J.D. approaches the bed of a female patient, holding a handheld tape recorder)
J.D.: (into recorder) Mrs. McCullum, forties. Moderately attractive, condition improving.
Mrs. McCullum: Did you just say I was moderately attractive?
J.D.: Excuse me, Mrs. McCullum. (into recorder) Patient's complaint of hearing loss was clearly just to get attention.
                        -- Her Story (4.05)
%
(J.D. has just regained his residents' respect)
J.D.: Lonnie, slap your face!
(Lonnie does so)
J.D.: All of you, slap your faces!
(All the residents slap their own faces)
J.D.: Awesome.
                        -- Her Story (4.05)
%
(Dan greets J.D. with cake,a family tradition for bearing bad news)
J.D.: What happened?
Dan: What, a guy can't take three days off work, travel 800 miles on a bus with a double-layer fudge cake just to say "hey, how are things?"
J.D.: Dan.
Dan: ...Dad died.
J.D.: ...There's ice cream in the fridge.
                        -- My Cake (4.06)
%
Dr. Cox: Let's break down the kid's support system, shall we? He's got me, an emotionally crippled narcissist, and he's got you, an emotionally crippled narcissist who is soaking in a tub of what by now has to be mostly your own urine.
Dan: I believe the ratio has shifted that way, yes.
Dr. Cox: And I have got to believe that the two of us, together—together, Dan—we can make it at least half-way to one legitimate adult.
                        -- My Cake (4.06)
%
Molly: Perry, no one's pure evil! I mean, yeah, some people have a hard outer shell, but inside, everybody has a creamy center.
Dr. Cox: There are plenty of people here on this particular planet who are hard on the outside and hard on the inside.
Molly: So they'd have more of a nougaty center?
Dr. Cox: Lady, people aren't chocolates. D'you know what they are mostly? Bastards. Bastard-coated bastards with a bastard filling. But I don't find them half as annoying as I find naive bubble-headed optimists who walk around vomiting sunshine.
Molly: (Rubs his stomach) I'm touching your creamy center!
(She leaves; J.D. walks down the hallway toward Cox)
Dr. Cox: Ohh, I am... so very angry... that I'm going to find someone to kill...just to prove her wrong.
(J.D. turns around and flees)
                        -- My Common Enemy (4.07)
%
Dr. Cox: Bob, do you realize what you did by giving Blondie that book?
Dr. Kelso: With any luck, I kept her from reporting me to the board for trying to con her out of meds.
Dr. Cox: Thanks to your little gesture, she actually believes that the earth is full of people who, deep down, are filled with kindness and caring!
Dr. Kelso: Well that's absurd. People are bastard-coated bastards with a bastard filling.
Dr. Cox: Exactly!
                        -- My Common Enemy (4.07)
%
Molly: I'm sorry, I'm attracted to damaged, dysfunctional people and you're just too normal.
J.D.: (narration) Sometimes all it takes is a slammin' hottie to make you dig down deep and discover who you really are.
J.D.: My emotional journey began at five years old when I walked in on my parents having sex in a position my father would later playfully describe as "the jackhammer." I have a mentor that verbally abuses me every chance he gets and no matter how much I try I can't stop constantly narrating my own life.
J.D.: (narration) At that very moment I feared I had divulged too much.
J.D.: Molly, I'm narcissistic, I'm pessimistic, I'm obsessive, I'm insecure and I am so afraid of intimacy that every one of my relationships is a journey of self-sabotage that inevitably ends in a black vacuum of shattered expectations and despair.
Molly: Wow. (kisses J.D.)
                        -- My Last Chance (4.08)
%
(The Janitor kicks J.D. out of his van into the desert)
J.D.: What are you doing?!
The Janitor: It's been four years! How do you not get how this works?!
(The Janitor drives off leaving J.D.)
                        -- My Last Chance (4.08)
%
J.D.: (narration) Wait, is she into me? Quick, make a bad joke and see if she laughs. (to Neena) Did you hear the one about the skeleton who couldn't go to the party? He had no body to go with.
Neena Broderick: (laughs) That's really funny.
J.D.: (narration) Well, that's not a fair test, that joke's hilarious.
                        -- My Malpractical Decision (4.09)
%
J.D.: Dr. Cox, I'd like to take this one.
Dr. Cox: Go ahead.
J.D.: (greeting a patient) Mr. Steel, first name, Man of.
Dr. Cox: And you're done.
                        -- My Malpractical Decision (4.09)
%
Carla: J.D., how could you do this to Turk? You guys are so close I occasionally have nightmares of you running away together!
J.D.: Where do we go?
Turk: One time we went to Aspen.
J.D.: Oh, I hope it was summer. I'm not that big a skier.
                        -- My Female Trouble (4.10)
%
Neena Broderick: Mr. Corman is contending that the shoulder surgery he received ruined his tennis serve. I'm going to start by asking Dr. Turk if his diabetes could have effected his performance in any way.
Dr. Kelso: (to Turk) You're a diabetic?
Turk: Yes. I told you that.
Dr. Kelso: I thought you were joking!
Turk: How is that funny?
Dr. Kelso: Well, it's a very serious disease, and I don't like you!
                        -- My Female Trouble (4.10)
%
Murry: (to his father) ...If you need a kidney you can have mine... for $70,000.
Dr. Cox: I love this moment so much, I want to have sex with it.
                        -- My Unicorn (4.11)
%
Dr. Cox: The good news is that, Murry and his dad are a match, kidney wise. The better news is that the test revealed a little secret that you're gonna wanna share with your new pal. Gregory isn't Murry's biological father! By the by, this moment is so great, I'd cheat on that other moment from before, marry this one, and raise a family of tiny, little moments.
                        -- My Unicorn (4.11)
%
J.D.: Hey I just wanted to take a second to thank you, For constantly berating me doubting my abilities and the overall devastation of my self-esteem.
Dr. Cox: My pleasure.
                        -- My Unicorn (4.11)
%
Elliot: Yeah, I'm not that great with kids. They've got such tiny hands. It's creepy.
                        -- My Best Moment (4.12)
%
Dr. Cox: Carla, have you seen Newbie?
Carla: Oh, he got off your leash?
Dr. Cox: Give me a break. The kid's like.... have you ever seen a drunk baby? It's a long story, involving my son, a rum cake, and a low counter. Suffice to say that it turns out at first it's endearing to watch them bounce of the walls, but man, you take your eyes off them for one second and bam! They've got a bucket on their head and they're plowing through your brand new flat screen TV. God save me, it was barely out of the box. The point is that Newbie is my drunk baby.
                        -- My Best Moment (4.12)
%
J.D.: Elliot, if you need any help, just ask Dr. Diagnosis. You can be my sidekick! Bangs McCoy!
                        -- My Ocardial Infarction (4.13)
%
Dr. Cox: Saaaay... that was some real Nancy Drew work there... Nancy. I mean, absolutely irrelevant as far as medicine goes, but damn amusing!
J.D.: Don't feel weird because you're threatened by my gift. Many are.
Dr. Cox: Did you somehow think that you weren't annoying enough without adding a delusional sense of grandeur? Because I promise you, you ARE annoying enough. In fact, you're the number one contender for the Middleweight Annoyance Crown.
J.D.: Well, you're the number one jealous weight for the jealous... weight jealous... champ.
Dr. Cox: HE'S DONE IT! HE'S DONE IT! DORIAN IS THE MOST - ANNOYING - MAN - IN THE WORLD! WHO WOULD HAVE EVER THOUGHT, A GENUINE ANNOYER LIKE DORIAN?... (trails off as he leaves the room)
J.D.: You are a close second!
                        -- My Ocardial Infarction (4.13)
%
Dr. Cox: Well?
Jordan: It's blue. I'm not pregnant.
Dr. Cox: Ohh.
Jordan: You know what's weird? I'm relieved, I just feel... kinda sad, because I think about how beautiful our son is and I... kinda wish it had gone the other way, you know? (She notices Cox is no longer there.) Sweetie?
(Cut to Cox running down the middle of a busy road, deliriously happy.)
Dr. Cox: SHE'S NOT PREGNANT! IT CAME OUT BLUE! IT'S BLUE! SHE'S NOT PREGNANT! IT'S BLUE! IT CAME OUT BLUE!
                        -- My Lucky Charm (4.14)
%
Turk: (as a leprechaun) Top o' the mizzle to ya, me nizzles!
                        -- My Lucky Charm (4.14)
%
Kylie: I'm getting my Masters in Political Science.
J.D.: I love politics, ask me anything. (narration) What are you doing? You don't know anything about politics. You're screwed unless she asks about bald assistant president who has all those heart attacks.
                        -- My Hypocritical Oath (4.15)
%
(Turk is sitting on a counter, waiting for Carla and holding her purse.)
Dr. Kelso: What in the hell are you doing?
Turk: I get to have sex!
Dr. Kelso: I hate this place.
                        -- My Hypocritical Oath (4.15)
%
Danni: Hey, grouchy pants! Do you wanna hang out?
Dr. Cox: Does "hang out" mean choke you?
                        -- My Quarantine (4.16)
%
Dr. Cox: So, Nurse Ghandirella, I need you to suction this guy, do a wet-to-dry dressing change, and, oh, what the hell, go ahead and top him off with one of your special, special sponge baths. Happy ending optional; his choice, not yours.
Turk: This guy's in a coma.
Dr. Cox: Not all of him.
                        -- My Quarantine (4.16)
%
Turk: (After defeating Carla in arm wrestling) DO YOU SEE WHAT YOU GET, CARLA?! DO YOU SEE WHAT YOU GET WHEN YOU MESS WITH THE WARRIOR?!
                        -- My Life in Four Cameras (4.17)
%
Dr. Cox: Jordan, your only skill is illegal in 26 states.
Jordan: It's 27. Arkansas buckled.
                        -- My Life in Four Cameras (4.17)
%
J.D.: I can't believe Turk and Carla are kicking me out.
Elliot: Mm. When I was fifteen, my parents threatened to do the same thing, so I called them on it.
J.D.: They let you stay?
Elliot: Nope. I lived with the Babcocks for two years. I didn't have a lot of rules, though, because they were really old and they thought I was a ghost.
                        -- My Roommates (4.18)
%
Ron: So, why do you wanna baby-sit my kid? You think I can't handle my own kid?
Dr. Cox: No, that's not it at all. I think you're great with your kid. You're fantastic with your kid. In fact, in fact if you want, you can baby-sit my kid.
Ron: Are we really doing this? 'Cause I'll baby-sit the hell outta your kid.
Dr. Cox: Oh, bring it on, daddy.
                        -- My Roommates (4.18)
%
Carla: (frantic) Turk! If you can't remember to put the cap on the toothpaste how are we going to raise our children? You know what? I'm going to stay with my sister!
                        -- My Best Laid Plans (4.19)
%
Molly: You know, they make thongs specifically for low-riders now.
Elliot: They don't work for me. I still can't sit down without showing the whole world the crack of my ass. The other night, some guy tried to put a pen in it.
J.D.: (narration) "Some guy"... I never get credit for anything!
                        -- My Best Laid Plans (4.19)
%
J.D.: Why can't Carla just let this go?
Elliot: Wouldn't you be mad if you caught your husband talking to his ex-girlfriend?
J.D.: Yeah... but mostly because I had a husband.
                        -- My Boss's Free Haircut (4.20)
%
Dr. Kelso: Perry, you just go right ahead and say what you want, cause Dr. Bob Kelso is back in action and he hasn't missed a step. Now, where do we keep the sick people?
                        -- My Boss's Free Haircut (4.20)
%
Turk: Check out what I found when I was takin' out the trash! (Shown wearing a top hat)
J.D.: That is the most ridiculous hat I have ever seen. (voiceover) And I must have it!
                        -- My Lips Are Sealed (4.21)
%
Dr. Cox: I need your help.
Elliot: Fine, but I have three rules. One, when we're in the room you say nothing. Two, I get to say whatever I want about you. And three, if you break rule one or two, I get to boing your curls.
Dr. Cox: What the hell does "boing" mean?
Elliot: (pulling on one of Dr. Cox's curls and releasing it) Booiinnng.
Dr. Cox: Oh God—this is gonna kill me.
                        -- My Big Move (4.22)
%
Elliot: How is it that no man understands that every woman, whether she's sixteen or sixty, still has that awkward, insecure, self-conscious teenage girl inside of her?
                        -- My Big Move (4.22)
%
Jake: (to J.D., about Elliot) That girl's kinda cute, what's her story?
J.D.: She's a dude.
Jake: Yeah, huh.
J.D.: Gotta look at the Adam's apple, buddy.
                        -- My Faith In Humanity (4.23)
%
Carla: (about Dr. Cox, in his presence) Elliot, do you see the problem with trying to appeal to its human side?
Elliot: He doesn't have one.
Carla: Exactly! But what does he have?
Elliot: A shaved chest, a closetful of tiny tee shirts, and the eyes of a madman.
Cox: Ohh! I'm sorry! The correct answer she was looking for is a giant ego! I have a giant ego!
                        -- My Faith In Humanity (4.23)
%
J.D.: Look, Elliot, I've got my own problems. I don't have time to deal with your little sex pickle.
Dr. Kelso: (passing by in his Rascal motor-chair) Really? She spent two years dealing with yours.
J.D.: I hate that thing!
                        -- My Drive-By (4.24)
%
(Elliot and Jake are about to sleep together for the first time)
Elliot: I don't think we're going too fast at all. By the way, what do you do?
Jake: I make and distribute Hungarian pornography.
Elliot: (horrified) Ohh....
Jake: I'm a real estate developer.
Elliot: Oh, thank God!
                        -- My Drive-By (4.24)
%
Dr. Kelso: Perry, I get the feeling something is bothering you.
Dr. Cox: Bob, people have a private life and a professional life, and usually those two hells are kept pretty separate. For instance, I don't know that much about your home life other than the fact that you treat your wife like a dog, your dog like a wife, and your son like an androgynous ne'er-do-well who drained your retirement nest egg to open up a yarn shop in Minneapolis.
Dr. Kelso: Harrison posted his first profit this quarter.
Dr. Cox: Aces. And I'm guessing that's because his significant other...
Dr. Kelso: Terence.
Dr. Cox: ...Terence, doesn't follow him around the shop all day telling him just exactly what color is "in" this season or showing all the other employees that he is not in fact the boss of his own life. You see, the woman is everywhere. She's there when I work out in the morning, when I work out in the car on the way to work, and when I work out when I get to work. I can't seem to get away from her. That used to be fine, when she just came by for five minutes every month or so to feed on my dignity, but now I'd honestly kill myself, Bob, if I weren't absolutely certain that Jordan would be waiting for me in the afterlife. You see, typical of her, she went ahead and signed us up for an eternal tandem bike ride all along the banks of the River Styx.
Dr. Kelso: I'm so glad you shared.
                        -- My Changing Ways (4.25)
%
J.D.: (narration) Maybe I was being unfair to Turk. Maybe it's too much to expect a friend to just sense that you're upset and wanna talk about it. (turns corner in the hallway to where Elliot and Carla are talking)
Elliot: Carla, I can sense that you're upset. Talk to me!
J.D.: (narration) OK, but Turk's a prideful guy, and it's hard for prideful guys to admit when they've been insensitive. (turns corner in the hallway to where Dr. Cox and Jordan are talking)
Dr. Cox: Listen, Jordan, I've been incredibly insensitive.
J.D.: (narration) Touché, magic hallway!
                        -- My Changing Ways (4.25)
%
J.D.: Listen, if you're having trouble finding a vein for an IV, please don't page me. If you're desperate, we're lucky: this is a city hospital, there are plenty of heroin addicts who are quite adept at this.
                        -- My Intern's Eyes (5.01)
%
J.D.: Jason, when you're filling out a female patient's exam report, her breasts can be "healthy" or "unhealthy," but never "bangin' double-Ds."
                        -- My Intern's Eyes (5.01)
%
(J.D. enters as Turk is washing up)
J.D.: Hey Turk, I'm gonna go across the street and get some coffee. You want one?
Turk: Get me a small one-pump mocha.
J.D.: (voiceover) The perfect set-up to a joke, but no one's around to hear!
(He hefts Turk over his shoulder and carries him out, through the halls, and downstairs.)
Turk: Whoa! Dude! Noooooo! Dude!
(J.D. plunks Turk down in front of Dr. Cox)
J.D.: So what did you want me to get you?
Turk: A small one-pump mocha?
J.D.: Wasn't that your nickname in high school? Helloooooo!
Turk: Dude, there's a guy upstairs waiting to have his spleen removed!
J.D.: It was worth it!
                        -- My Rite of Passage (5.02)
%
Turk: (To Dr.Cox) Get off my back. I'm not in the mood.
(He hefts Turk over his shoulder and carries him out to Carla, who's sitting at a bar.)
J.D: Say that again.
Turk: Get off my back. I'm not in the mood.
J.D: That's what she said! (points to Carla) Zoom ZOOM zoom!
                        -- My Rite of Passage (5.02)
%
Carla: J.D., you have to get out! This place is tiny and I'm sick of seeing your man-panties hanging all over the bathroom.
J.D.: They're called boxers, Carla.
Carla: They're satin, J.D.
J.D.: With a breathable cotton crotch panel. (voiceover) King me!
                        -- My Day at the Races (5.03)
%
J.D.: Carla, at 6:41 tomorrow evening, I turn thirty. I have to find one thing on this list I can do by then.
Dr. Cox: Maybe you could swing by our parts department and pick up a pair of testes.
J.D.: Haven't you used that joke, like, a trillion times?
Dr. Cox: I'm okay with it.
                        -- My Day at the Races (5.03)
%
Dr. Kelso: This Friday, I am receiving an award from the A.M.A.—
Dr. Cox: Jerk-Off of the Year. No, Bastard of the Year! Uh, don't you tell me! Guy I Despise So Much, I'd Pay Someone To Kill You and Stuff You and Leave You by my Bed, So That When I Wake Up in the Morning, I Could Roll Over and Punch You in the Face...of the Year.
Dr. Kelso: And we're back.
                        -- My Jiggly Ball (5.04)
%
(J.D.'s hand is moving)
J.D.: I think there's something wrong with my spine, because I'm not doing that.
                        -- My Jiggly Ball (5.04)
%
J.D.: How'd you wind up with a born-again Christian for a sister?
Dr. Cox: Oh, I don't know. Could be that the TV was broken one day, so she picked up the Bible and thought it was just a darn good read. Or it could be our mother's ability to watch silently while our father drunkenly knocked us from room to room. What do you think there, Newbie?
J.D.: Uh, probably the "room to room" thing.
                        -- My New God (5.05)
%
Carla: I can get mad, Turk, if you give me a little help.
Turk: If you had no hair, you'd look like Danny Devito.
Carla: Oh Turk, a little help.
                        -- My New God (5.05)
%
(J.D. rode his six-year-old neighbor's tiny scooter to work)
Elliot: Ronald's gonna be mad.
J.D.: Yeah? He's six. What he gonna do, kick my ass? (voiceover) Again.
                        -- My Missed Perception (5.06)
%
Carla: (to the Janitor) I want you to be in the staff picture.
(Janitor picks up and hugs a clearly terrified Carla)
Carla: I thought you were going to kill me.
Janitor: I fought the urge.
                        -- My Missed Perception (5.06)
%
Carla: I just don't get what's so great about kids. I mean, "yay! you went poopie in the potty!" There's a monkey at the zoo that can do that... you know, when he's not playing with himself.
J.D.: So, don't have kids.
Carla: But I want to be a mom more than anything else in the world! I know it's crazy, but I'm a girl: it's how we roll.
                        -- My Way Home (5.07)
%
Carla: Why aren't you freaking out? Look at him— your kid's, like, all green and slimy.
Dr. Cox: I suppose it's because when Jordon was pregnant, I mentally prepared myself for her giving birth to something green and slimy.
                        -- My Way Home (5.07)
%
Ted: Did you hear the lottery's up to $100,000,000? If I win, it's going to be separate beds for me and my mom!
Carla: And you could spend the other $99,999,000 on therapy.
                        -- My Big Bird (5.08)
%
(Elliot is caught kissing a young patient's father by Carla.)
Carla: Elliot, I can't believe you would do that.
Turk: What'd you do?
J.D.: Was it naughty?
Elliot: (to J.D. and Turk) You see, yesterday I went shoe shopping, and there was this one pair of...
J.D. and Turk: (looking off into space, to themselves) Shoe shopping.
Carla: (to Elliot) Great, we can talk. What were you thinking?
Elliot: So, we kissed. I've been treating his kid for a week now and we just hit it off, you know. It started off with some innocent flirting: "Hi, I'm Dr. Reid"... "Why is there blood in my son's stool?"...
                        -- My Big Bird (5.08)
%
(J.D. is set up on a blind date with a patient's niece)
J.D.: (Thinking) I gotta thank Mrs. Nichols for setting this up.
(A woman walks in, and is at least twice J.D.'s age)
J.D.: (Thinking) Oh, Mrs. Nichols, you blue-haired bitch.
(The woman walks away and a hot girl walks in)
J.D.: (Thinking) Oh, Mrs. Nichols, you're new hip is on the house because this girl is amazing. And yet there is something so accessible about her, I wonder what it is?
(The girl collides with a server and flips a table over)
Julie: Oh, I'm gonna have the carrot cake.
                        -- My Half-Acre (5.09)
%
J.D.: Morning, Elliot. By the way, Julie's here, but I'm not gonna kiss and tell.
Elliot: Oh, really, 'cause I just got your text. It said "Bone City."
J.D.: (acting surprised) Oh, really. That came through?
                        -- My Half-Acre (5.09)
%
Carla: (narrating) And now his boyfriend will comfort him.
J.D: Don't listen to her Brown Bear, your body's fierce.
Turk: Is it?
J.D: Like Taye Diggs.
Turk: (to Carla) Taye. Diggs.
                        -- Her Story II (5.10)
%
Turk: Look, Julie, I'm very protective of J.D., so it's gonna take a lot for you to win me over.
Julie: J.D. wanted me to introduce you to my godfather.
(Billy Dee Williams enters)
Williams: Julie's a great girl.
Turk: (momentary pause, then begins shrieking) AH-HA-HA-HA, Lando Calrissian! Come here.
(Hugs Williams)
Williams: (Laughing) You can call me Billy Dee.
Turk: Yes, Lando. Yes.
                        -- Her Story II (5.10)
%
Elliot: J.D., I don't want to do this! Can't we just go home and put our PJ's on and watch Grey's Anatomy?
J.D.: Oh, I do love that show. It's like they've been watching our lives, and then just put it on TV!
                        -- My Buddy's Booty (5.11)
%
(J.D. is angry that Elliot has told Keith personal things about him)
J.D. (to Elliot) You know, I am ashamed of you! Do you know how unbelievably petty it is to get that personal?
(The elevator opens, revealing the entire staff)
J.D.: Once when we were dating, Elliot asked me to urinate on her!
Elliot: (screeching) I'd been stung by a jellyfish!
                        -- My Buddy's Booty (5.11)
%
Cabbage: Dr. Dorian? Should the IV be leaking like this?
J.D.: Yes and no... Mostly no... In fact, pretty much all no. First you take a little nipper for yourself... (sips from leaking IV, dribbles some on Cabbage) Ah! Got some on you! That's some of the fun that you can have. No, but really, just watch and learn, Cabbage, watch and learn.
Cabbage: It's an honor to watch you work, sir.
J.D.: (absently) Take it all in, Cabbage, take it all in...
                        -- My Cabbage (5.12)
%
Dr. Cox: Listen to me, Hedrick, I find your particular brand of psycho-babblery about as effective as fairy dust. If it were up to me, we never would have called you.
J.D.: (voiceover) "We"? Oh my God, it's finally happened - he's made us a team! (out loud) That's right, Hedrick, we don't need your help! We can handle things around here just fine! In fact, we are thinking about going into private practice together!
Dr. Cox: What?
J.D.: (voiceover) Easy, now is not the time to bring up the Dorian-Cox Clinic, much less the relocation to Jacksonville.
                        -- My Five Stages (5.13)
%
Dr. Cox: He seems strangely impervious to my threats. That annoys me.
                        -- My Five Stages (5.13)
%
Dr. Cox: And Gandheroo, I need you to talk to a young, pregnant black girl who will not let me call her mom.
Turk: Why would she listen to me?
Dr. Cox: I may have told her that you were Kanye West.
Turk: I'm actually alright with that.
                        -- My Own Personal Hell (5.14)
%
Obnoxious Patient: Oh, breathe through your nose. You remind me of my bulldog.
Dr. Cox: You know, as a doctor, I rarely root for the disease, but with you I find myself cheering, "Go hypercalcemia with underlying MEN syndrome. Go, go, go, go!"
Obnoxious Patient: Do you drink out of the toilet? My bulldog drinks out of the toilet.
                        -- My Own Personal Hell (5.14)
%
J.D.: Mr. Barry, I misplaced your chart, I forgot, what's wrong with you again? (looks at Mr. Barry) Oh, that's right, you have a kitty cat stuck in your mouth. Or should I say you have a person stuck around you, little guy. Goochie goochie.
                        -- My Extra Mile (5.15)
%
J.D.: I'm hiding. I really don't want to be bald. I have a sneaking suspicion it won't work for me, I think it might accentuate my spoon-chest.
Dr. Cox: (grunts an affirmative)
J.D.: Plus, the girl I'm dating is totally into my hair.
Dr. Cox: She's gotta be interested in more than just your hair. (J.D. flashes back to the previous night)
Hair Girl: (smiling) If it weren't for your hair, I don't think I'd be remotely interested in you. (flashback ends)
J.D.: I'm sure there's something else she's into. (flashback again)
Hair Girl: No, there's nothing else. (flashback ends)
J.D.: There is, even if she won't admit it.
                        -- My Extra Mile (5.15)
%
Carla: I just took a pregnancy test, just tell me when a minute's up.
Turk: I just put some pizza rolls on the microwave oven; the minute that bad boy rings we're good to go.
Carla: Oh, my god, I can't stand it, 30 more seconds.
Turk: OK baby, don't get too excited, they have to cool off for at least a minute.
                        -- My Bright Idea (5.16)
%
(Jordan and Elliot are in the cafeteria)
Jordan: You know, one of the reasons I divorced Perry was because of his last name.
Elliot: You don't like Cox?
Jordan: Actually, I love Cox.
The Todd: (walks up, knocks on table) Greatest conversation ever.
Jordan: See, that's the problem.
Woman: (offscreen) This sausage is huge!
The Todd: Excuse me ladies, I'm needed elsewhere.
                        -- My Chopped Liver (5.17)
%
Jordan: (to Elliot) Don't tell anyone I'm nice.
                        -- My Chopped Liver (5.17)
%
Carla: I'm not sure that suit works on you.
J.D.: Thanks for your opinion, Carla, (turning to the camera) but I'm much more interested in what you all think.
Lonnie: We don't love it.
J.D.: Well who cares, Lonnie, (turning to the camera again and pointing) because all that really matters is whether or not America loves it.
Americo: For the last time, it's Americo! And of course I love it, I made it!
J.D.: He's a dynamite tailor; not sure why he's here.
                        -- My New Suit (5.18)
%
Dan Dorian: Life's actually pretty good: Mom lets me live in the attic, I'm driving Dad's old Plymouth Horizon and as I'm Chief Bartender, they let me take home half the extra chicken wings, thank you very much.
Dr. Cox: Say, Dan. Do you ever have to pinch yourself to make sure it's not all some crazy dream?
                        -- My New Suit (5.18)
%
Dr Cox: You're black? 'Cause last I checked you had a nerdy white best friend, you enjoy NAACP. If you don't know what that stands for, it's the National Association for the Advancement of Colored People. And quite frankly, I always thought they should change the 'colored people' to 'African Americans' but then of course it wouldn't be the NAACP, it'd be the N quad A or NAAAA. And I know this probably sounds like a digression but actually brings me back to my original point... Do I think you're black? Naaaaaaaaa!
                        -- His Story III (5.19)
%
Janitor: Knock knock. Who's there? Nurse Mophead. Nurse Mophead who? You have a mophead.
                        -- His Story III (5.19)
%
Carla: I'm having a weird pregnancy craving. Hey, J.D., if you go out, would you get me a hot Italian sausage?
The Todd: I've got a hot Italian sausage for you, right here!
(blank stares, head shakes)
The Todd: People think I just walk into these situations, but it's really a lot of hard work. You know what else is hard? ...I should go.
J.D.: I think I may vomit.
                        -- My Lunch (5.20)
%
Jill Tracy: I know he wasn't here yesterday. But I thought maybe he got the day wrong and he'd be here today with roses. Is that sad?
J.D.: It's not not sad.
                        -- My Lunch (5.20)
%
Carla: Now Dr. Cox needs our help getting through this. Jordan can watch him in the morning and at night, but she's got Jack, plus... she's not that emotionally available.
Jordan: (cheerfully) I'm dead inside!
                        -- My Fallen Idol (5.21)
%
J.D.: You probably wondered why I didn't show up before, huh? I know you wanted me to, even though you'd never admit it. Normally I would kill to get into this apartment, and you'd try and keep me out... I say "try", because at your Super-Bowl party, which I was not invited to, I was lucky enough to be able to watch the second half from right over there. I was the bearded Dominoe's employee you invited in because I said I was a fan of Jerome Bettis, whoever the hell that is. Anyway, I tried to convince myself the reason I didn't come earlier was because of you coming into work drunk; but that's not it. I was scared. I guess after all this time I still think of you as like this superhero that'll help me out of any situation I'm in. I needed that. But that's my problem, you know, and I'll deal with that. I guess I came over here to tell you how proud of you I am. Not because you did the best you could for those patients; but because after twenty years of being a doctor, when things go badly you still take it this hard. And I gotta tell you man, I mean... that's the kind of doctor I want to be. (pours himself a drink)
J.D.: (narration) Maybe he just needed time to heal, or maybe he just needed to see how much everybody cared, but I'd like to believe it was because of me that he was finally able to say this:
Dr. Cox: (sees J.D. taking a sip) You don't drink scotch.
J.D.: (spits it back into the glass) That's awful.
                        -- My Fallen Idol (5.21)
%
Dr. Cox: Barbie why did you order this test? For the love of God, are you a real doctor or a doctor like Dr. Pepper is a doctor? Hmmm?
                        -- My Déjà vu, My Déjà vu (5.22)
%
Janitor: Okay, two coins add up to 30 cents, no nickels. I could swear we've done this before. C'mon man, you went to Harvard for god's sake.
Troy: Relax! I figured it out.
Janitor: A penny, and... a button, that you wrote '29 cents' on. Think I don't recognize your handwriting?
Troy: Can't we just kill him?
Janitor: No. No, Troy, that's what he wants us to do.
                        -- My Déjà vu, My Déjà vu (5.22)
%
Carla: Remember when I first started dating Turk and I wanted to bail on him because he cried at the end of sex?
Turk: (alarmed) Baby!
J.D.: (to Turk) Relax, Brown Bear, there's no shame in cry-maxing.
                        -- My Urologist (5.23)
%
Kim: Hey, dudes.
J.D.: Don't "hey, dudes" us! You know what really bothers me?
Kim: Non-threatening colloquial greetings?
                        -- My Urologist (5.23)
%
Elliot: Okay, guess what flavor baby food this is.
Keith: Cab driver feet?
                        -- My Transition (5.24)
%
Carla: I could give you a whole list of things that suck about being pregnant. For example, I am now horny as I've ever been, and my husband is repulsed by me.
Turk: Baby, if you really need it that badly, I will suck it up, close my eyes so tight, and then do you.
Carla: Thank you for the sacrifice.
Turk: It's because I love you.
                        -- My Transition (5.24)
%
(After Carla tells Elliot that she should talk to J.D.)
Elliot: Yeah. Maybe we can talk about how everyone in this fricking hospital is having a baby except for me. I mean, (Points to Carla) having a baby, (Points to Turk) having a baby, (Points to Dr. Cox) having a second baby, (Points to a nurse) having her husband's best friend's baby. That's right, Mona, everybody knows! (Sees Dr. Beardface staring at her). What're you looking at, Beardface? You want a kid? Because I swear to God, I will mount you right now!
Beardface: It's Beardfacé, DAMMIT!
                        -- My Mirror Image (6.01)
%
Patient: I was so obsessed with getting my J.D. that I never did the things I really wanted to do. Start a family. See the world.
Janitor: Punch a whale.
Patient: Nah, I punched a whale. Right in the face. Down he went, like Liston.
                        -- My Mirror Image (6.01)
%
Jesus figurine: No abortions!
J.D.: What if the parents are both drug addicts who'd neglect and abuse the child?
Jesus figurine: Oh, in that case it would be OK.
J.D.: Really?
Jesus figurine: NO abortions! How are you not getting this?!
                        -- My Best Friend's Baby's Baby and My Baby's Baby (6.02)
%
Jordan: Anyway, I was thinking we need new table linens for the dining room. Well, not so much table linens as placemats. What do you think's prettier, burgundy or mauve?
Dr. Kelso: (While Jordan continues to talk continuously) What the hell's with her?
Dr. Cox: She's mad, but she can't give me the "silent treatment", because she knows I'd actually love that, so she's giving me the "talk until I want to commit suicide treatment".
Dr. Kelso: Sucks to be you.
Dr. Cox: You have no idea. (Doctor Kelso walks off)
Jordan: (is still talking as Doctor Cox starts eating his newspaper) What else do I need for that — OH! I need new pillow shams and I — I like cotton, but I think we should get a cotton blend because that's easier to clean and I hate ironing. Maybe we need a new housekeeper — maybe the housekeeper should come every single day now...
                        -- My Best Friend's Baby's Baby and My Baby's Baby (6.02)
%
Turk: I'm not telling Isabella she's got a vagina until she's 18!
Kim: That's gonna be an awkward birthday party.
Turk: Do not tell my daughter she has a vagina! I'm serious! (Points threateningly at Elliot, J.D. and Kim) Hm? Hm?! Hmmm?!?
J.D.: It may have already come up.
                        -- My Coffee (6.03)
%
Dr. Cox: A tip jar. Really? So what am I supposed to do, just duke you my change because you poured hot water through beans? Well, I'll tell you what, my friend, unless you're also planning on giving me a complimentary reach-around with my beverage, I'm afraid the answer is yeah-no. Here's a novel idea: Why don't you go fetch me a very large cup of coffee with so damn many fake sugars in it that the coffee itself gets cancer. (slouches away)
Elliot: Guys, guys, I got a good one. Is it me, or does...
Everyone: (monotone) ...someone need to switch to decaf?
Turk: Lay off of Elliot. She doesn't watch as much old TV as we do.
Elliot: You actually stood up for me! But, now I'm forced to ask...
Everyone: (monotone again) ...who are you and what have you done with Turk?
Elliot: (shrieking) Stop finishing my awesome jokes!
J.D.: (holding his ears) Oh my God!
                        -- My Coffee (6.03)
%
J.D.: (voiceover) The only thing worse than not knowing why a patient is crashing, is being offered help by the hospital's grief counselor, Dr. Hedrick.
Dr. Hedrick: Need help, old friend?
J.D.: Oh yeah, her kidneys are failing, give her a pep talk, stat!
                        -- My House (6.04)
%
J.D.: I can't believe you can get heart failure from being sad. How do you treat that?
(Cut to fantasy; a man is flatlining.)
J.D.: This man is coding, get me a box of kittens, stat!
(J.D. tips the kittens over the man, who comes back to life and smiles.)
J.D. Possible side effects of kittens include sneezing, tiny scratches and erectile dysfunction.
(Cut back from fantasy.)
J.D.: Wouldn't I be a great spokesman for things?
                        -- My House (6.04)
%
Dr. Cox: (After Elliot turns a patient over to him.) You're giving orders to me? OMG Barboo, you make me want to LOL.
Elliot: (Stares)
Dr. Cox: I just discovered texting. I'm a little late in the game, I know, but that doesn't make you any more of a G-A-B-P-I-T-A-W-M-M-W-number two-D.
Elliot: Excuse me?
Dr. Cox: Giant Annoying Bangsy Pain In The Ass Who Makes Me Want To... Die.
                        -- My Friend With Money (6.05)
%
(Keith is dressed in a one-piece wrestling outfit)
J.D.: Hey, nice singlet! Does it come in hetero?
                        -- My Friend With Money (6.05)
%
Elliot: I haven't sung since the sixth grade talent show when I sang Hell Is For Children". Then at the end, Mr. Shaman the emcee said "No, hell is for everyone who heard you sing that song." My mom was so mad at him that she slept with him and ruined his marriage.
                        -- My Musical (6.06)
%
J.D.: (singing) You're the only man who's ever been inside of me!
Turk: (to Mrs. Miller) Whoa, whoa, I just took out his appendix.
                        -- My Musical (6.06)
%
Dr. Kelso: Listen up, faces. In order to save us all some time, I will call all the males "Daves" and all the females "Debbies".
Debbie: (excitedly) Debbie is actually my name!
Dr. Kelso: Then out of fairness to the others, you will be "Slagathor". Daves, Debbies, Slagathor, I will be in my office. If you need anything, feel free to bother Dorian.
                        -- His Story IV (6.07)
%
Pvt. Dancer: Even though no one ever comes, every time I hit this nurse's button, I feel a bit better.
Dr. Kelso: That's morphine.
Pvt. Dancer: That explains it.
                        -- His Story IV (6.07)
%
Dr. Cox: You've been wrong so many times that I'm not even going to say something is wrong anymore. I'm going to say that it's "Dorian".
                        -- My Road to Nowhere (6.08)
%
Dr. Cox: Gandhi, did you tell Jordan what I said about her wanting to cuddle? She doesn't like people to know that she actually cares for me!
Turk: Relax, she's pregnant, what could she possibly do?
(Jack runs up to Dr. Cox)
Jack: Man check!
(Jack punches Dr. Cox in the crotch and he falls to the floor in pain)
Jordan: Good boy, Jack, good boy!
Turk: He can't possibly make this my fault, right?
J.D.: Dorian. Dammit, now I'm doing it! (Stepping over Dr. Cox) Careful, he's gone fetal.
                        -- My Road to Nowhere (6.08)
%
Dr. Kelso: My name is Bob Kelso, and I like whores. (pauses while the group stares) Now, why don't I introduce myself like that? Because there is a time and a place for the truth. Take Dorian's intern Brendan, for example. He told his patient that it was the first time he was performing a spinal tap. And what did the patient do, doctor?
J.D.: Well, uh, she started to hyperventilate, and then she reached for a hit of what she thought was an oxygen tank. It turned out to be a helium container from pediatrics. Then she screamed (in a high falsetto) "I'll kill you bitches!", which, frankly, we all thought was hilarious.
Dr. Kelso: Oh, indeed it was. But you know what wasn't? When she ran for the door, tripped and fell, and broke her femur. Now she's suing the hospital. And since Ted is our lawyer, what's going to happen?
Ted: Girlfriend's gonna get paid.
                        -- My Perspective (6.09)
%
Elliot: You have to help J.D.
Dr. Cox: Any other day, I'd just say no, but today, I'm gonna go ahead and say... no.
                        -- My Perspective (6.09)
%
Carla: Elliot, you can't test love. When I met Turk, it seemed he was more in love with his best friend than with me.
Turk: Honey, they've got that almond biscotti J.D. loves, so I was wondering if I can borrow some money so I can get him some.
Carla: No, you got him a present yesterday.
                        -- My Therapeutic Month (6.10)
%
Pvt. Dancer: (about his physical therapist) Why don't you just ask her out?
J.D.: Expertly flirting is one thing, but I just got out of a serious relationship. Plus, I'm a tent-dwelling poop-fainter who can't drive.
Pvt. Dancer: I have a fiberglass skull.
J.D.: It's always gotta be a competition with you, doesn't it?
                        -- My Therapeutic Month (6.10)
%
J.D.: (voiceover) Suddenly, all of our memories of the last six years came flooding back, like a clip show in some sitcom too lazy to come up with a fresh story.
                        -- My Night to Remember (6.11)
%
J.D.: Wow, it has been an amazing six years. I wouldn't change any of it, would you guys?
Dr. Cox: I'd damn sure change this moment, and any other moment that was even remotely like this moment. (leaves)
J.D.: Hey, Turk...
Turk: I'm not giving you a hug.
J.D.: (narration) I hate this place.
                        -- My Night to Remember (6.11)
%
Dr. Cox: I mean, what the hell? If I wanted my patients to be more depressed I'd just have them read Newbie's latest blog entry.
J.D.: "Why being really lonely is sometimes super awesome."
                        -- My Fishbowl (6.12)
%
Turk: Look, man, we all have those bleak moments where we swear we'll never bounce back. Like when I was seventeen, my mom walked in my room with a look that I had never seen. She said, "it's over Turk... Michael Jordan's career is over."
Dr. Cox: Is anyone a bigger idiot than you?
J.D.: Is he the black golfer?
                        -- My Fishbowl (6.12)
%
Man: Hey Grandpa, a little help.
Dr. Kelso: Here you go, sport. But call me "Grandpa" again and you and I are going to play a little game called "hide the wingtip". There may be a generational gap here, I'll explain. The wingtip is my shoe, the hiding place is your ass.
                        -- My Scrubs (6.13)
%
Elliot: Oh, and FYI, I happen to like the voiceovers on Grey's Anatomy. Except for when they are really vague and generic.
J.D.: (voiceover) And so in the end I knew what Elliot said about the way things were had forever changed the way we all thought about.
                        -- My Scrubs (6.13)
%
Ted: (About Heather) I'd let her give me a bath. I don't care if my mom was watching.
                        -- My No Good Reason (6.14)
%
Dr. Cox: Okay, I made you breakfast, the kitchen's as clean as a whistle, I'm gonna drop Jack off at daycare on the way to work, is there anything else I can do for you?
Jordan: I need you to go to the video store and get me anything with Viggo Somethingsen. I need white chocolate, strawberry seltzer, peppercorn brie and a polaroid of the tomato plant that I planted last spring, because I'm worried it may have snails. Oh, and if you see that neighbor Lena from down the hall I want you to roll your eyes and say the word "slut" under your breath, but loud enough so she can hear, and don't forget to be home by 6:30 because you gotta give Jack his bath before you make my dinner!
Dr. Cox: But, when will I have time to kill myself?
Jordan: Well, that's not my problem!
                        -- My No Good Reason (6.14)
%
Laverne and Dr. Cox have been arguing about the existence of God, and about things happening for a reason.
Dr. Cox: That was a coincidence.
Laverne: What?
Dr. Cox: The knife! It just happened to go into the right spot. You do not get a win for dumb luck.
Laverne: Look, if that's the way you choose to see the world, then so be it. But don't you dare try to take this away from me. I've been coming in here every day for twenty-four years, watching children die and seeing good people suffer, and if I quit believing that there was a bigger plan behind all this, well, I wouldn't be able to show up tomorrow. So just stop it!
Dr. Cox: (chastened) Sorry.
Laverne: It's okay. You'd be surprised how many things happen around here for a reason.
Dr. Cox: I wish I could believe that.
Laverne: It was awful that Jordan had to have prenatal surgery, but how have you two been since then?
Dr. Cox: (Smiles, realizes that she's right) Better than ever.
Laverne: (Gives him a big, knowing smile) Goodnight.
J.D.: (Narrating) But be careful- if you start believing that bad things happen for a reason, it hurts that much more when they don't.
                        -- My No Good Reason (6.14)
%
Dr. Cox: I am not telling anyone that my daughter has been born.
J.D..: But you just told Jordan that you're gonna...
Dr Cox: Yes, and that's what we call a lie, or, when you're married, communication.
                        -- My Long Goodbye (6.15)
%
Carla: (to Laverne) Wow. I'm still not ready to do this. It's gonna be so weird not having you by my side everyday. Making fun of the doctors. Going on and on about Jesus; man, I hope he's real or you're gonna be pissed. Remember my first day? When that patient came in and started bleeding out on me. I was so shocked I could barely move. But you stood by my side. And you guided me through it. And then you did the most amazing thing of all: you made me laugh. (chokes up) For the last 15 years you've been my role model, but most of all you've been my friend. And I don't know what else to say, but (crying) I'm really, really gonna miss you. Good-bye.
                        -- My Long Goodbye (6.15)
%
Lonnie: Dr. Cox!
Dr. Kelso: You might want to knock, he's in an imaginary glass bubble.
(Lonnie knocks)
Dr. Cox: (pantomimes opening a window) What?
Lonnie: (looking down at Dr. Cox) I need help with a patient.
Dr. Cox: Twenty minutes.
Lonnie: (begins to walk away, turns around) Hey, how long does it take for an old woman to slowly bleed to death?
                        -- My Words of Wisdom (6.16)
%
Turk: How do you know sign language?
Janitor: Well, when I was in high school I was a volunteer janitor at the Hoboken Zoo. And one night I was out plucking peacock feathers to sell for pens when I noticed Gary the gorilla making the sign for food. I gave him my danish. He gave the sign for "thank you". Those were the only two signs that Gary knew. Except for boobs. He liked 'em big and hairy.
The Todd: Join the club, playa.
Janitor: Get away.
The Todd: (shrugs) Okay. (leaves)
Janitor: So, eventually Gary, I'm sorry to say, died of lung cancer. For that I blame myself, because I used to share my smokes with him. But he also piqued my interest in signing, and in his memory I took my first signing class.
J.D.: Is any of that true?
Janitor: Someone would have to read it back to me.
                        -- My Words of Wisdom (6.16)
%
J.D.: If Turk's mind is set on something, it can't be changed! I can't even imagine how I'd try.
(J.D. begins to enter a fantasy; however, the show's viewpoint remains in the real world)
The Todd: (voiceover) Oh, great. There he goes off into his fantasy world. Now I'm stuck here waiting until he snaps out of it with some weird comment.
J.D.: We'd have to find a whole lot of gnomes!
The Todd: That's helpful.
                        -- Their Story (6.17)
%
Dr. Kelso: What are you thinking, Ted?
Ted: (voiceover) I could jam this (knife) through the soft spot on his temple, then slit my wrists with it before anyone got in to stop me... (to Kelso) The usual, sir.
Dr. Kelso: Well, you'd never do it; you don't have the guts.
(Carla and the nurses walk in)
Carla: If it's okay with you, we'll take that raise now.
Dr. Kelso: Okay, but in this little fantasy of yours, can I not have prostate problems any more? I can't sleep more than 40 minutes without needing to take a whiz...
Carla: Unfortunately for you, someone left this invoice for the hospital needles on my desk. And they're really undercharging you! So, either you shell out the extra 20 grand a month for our raises, or we call the needle company and it'll cost you twice that.
Dr. Kelso: (angrily) Ted, are you responsible for this?
Ted: (expressionless) Please, sir. I don't have the guts. (voiceover, deliriously happy) Oh yeah! Suck it bitch! I will murder you!
                        -- Their Story (6.17)
%
Melody: Of course, we could make out.
(J.D. looks at her, surprised)
Melody: Yeah, I know it's a little bit trampy but, what the hell, so am I.
                        -- My Turf War (6.18)
%
Turk: Does heart trouble run in your family?
Patient: My uncle was shot in the heart.
                        -- My Turf War (6.18)
%
The Todd: Hey, guys. I hear there's a Steel Magnolia in room 309 that needs a little pruning.
Turk: Todd, she's 68 and has syphilis.
The Todd: The Todd accepts all applicants, regardless of age or disability.
                        -- My Cold Shower (6.19)
%
(Keith has just proposed to Elliot)
J.D.: (voiceover) As I looked at all the relationships around me... Some that had gone on forever... some that were reigniting... and some that had just begun... I realized something: It should have been me.
                        -- My Cold Shower (6.19)
%
(J.D. has just found out Kim did not miscarry their child)
J.D.: Were you ever planning on telling me?
Kim: Yes, but I didn't know what to say.
J.D.: How about: "J.D., I think there might be something living inside my uterus."
                        -- My Conventional Wisdom (6.20)
%
Janitor: Ah, hey everyone. I've been looking for a new roleplaying game ever since my Lord Of The Rings club booted me for using an actual warhammer, so would anyone mind if I pretended to be Chief of Medicine while Kelso is out of town?
Everyone: (unison approval)
Janitor: (suddenly dressed as a doctor) Fantastic! Let's make cancer feel foolish!
                        -- My Conventional Wisdom (6.20)
%
Turk: Before Izzy was born, if I saw a half-eaten meatball sub in the trash you better believe I would dust that bad boy off and go to town on it! But now, I'm not risking my health eating trash-food. I mean, unless it's a corn dog.
Dr. Cox: Thank God you've procreated.
                        -- My Rabbit (6.21)
%
Dr. Cox: I've seen the Wiggles live in concert... twice.
Turk: Did they perform "Big Red Car"?
Dr. Cox: They opened and closed the show with it. It was awesome.
                        -- My Rabbit (6.21)
%
Turk: Look Jen, if you need any legal help concerning your accident, you can talk to Jim, who is a very successful bulldog of a lawyer, or you can talk to Ted, who, well—
Ted: My mom calls me Thunder.
Jen: I'm going to go with the less shiny one.
Jim: Tough break there, Thunder.
Ted: YOU'RE NOT MY MOM, JIM!!! YOU'RE NOT MY MOM!!!
                        -- My Point of No Return (6.22)
%
(Jordan has forced Dr. Cox and Jack to dress in identical outfits)
Jordan: Wow! You guys look great! I'm gonna get a photographer.
Dr. Cox: Jordan, I hate this.
Dr. Kelso: Why? I would think an arrogant ass like you would love having his very own clone.
(Dr. Cox puts his hands on his head, and Jack copies him)
Dr. Cox: Up yours, Bobbo.
Jack: Yeah, up yours, Bobbo!
(Awkward pause)
Dr. Cox: Outstanding. Come. (Picks Jack up and leaves)
                        -- My Point of No Return (6.22)
%
(Dr.Cox starting a rant to J.D.)
Dr.Cox: You know things I would rather see than you becoming my daughter's godfather? A nuclear war, a sequeal to High Floats, Hugh Jackman winning an oscar...
Dr. Kelso: Yeah yeah, funny long list, we get the message.
                        -- My Point of No Return (6.22)
%
J.D.: I can't believe I almost messed things up with Kim. What is wrong with me?
Dr. Cox: (walking by) You are an annoying, whiny man-child.
J.D.: That question wasn't directed at you!
Dr. Cox: What question?
                        -- My Own Worst Enemy (7.01)
%
(Turk, Cox, and Kelso are in the doctor's lounge, unsuccessfully researching Joe's disease. Kelso's head is lying in Cox's lap.)
Dr. Cox: (noticing Kelso's head) Fair enough.
(Dr. Beardfacé walks in)
Turk: (calling) What it do, Beardface?
Dr. Beardfacé: It's Beardfacé! BEARDFACÉ, DAMMIT!
Dr. Kelso: Calm down, Seymour.
Dr. Cox: If you wanna lose the nickname, you gotta lose the beard. Of course... then you'd be Doctor Face...
Dr. Kelso: HA! Dr. Face.
Dr. Beardfacé: DAMN you all!
                        -- My Own Worst Enemy (7.01)
%
J.D.: My kid's not even born yet and I'm already screwing up his life. I just want him to be really happy and normal, you know.
Dr. Cox: First of all, Newbie, we're talking about your kid, so the whole normal part was never gonna happen.
                        -- My Hard Labor (7.02)
%
(Dr. Kelso is consoling his son over the phone)
Dr. Kelso: Of course you had to break up with him. No one you love should ever sell your car without asking and then blow the money on meth.
                        -- My Hard Labor (7.02)
%
J.D.: (looking in awe at a baby) I'm a dad!
Turk: That's not your kid.
J.D.: I know, but he reminds me of Sam.
Turk: That's a girl.
J.D.: Stop ruining it! Why do you have to ruin things? I was having a moment, here!
                        -- My Inconvenient Truth (7.03)
%
Janitor: Okay, people, time to save the planet! But where to begin?
Ted: My first step was going with all-hemp underwear. It's awesome! Except when the hemp oil seeps into your bloodstream — then it's awesomer!
                        -- My Inconvenient Truth (7.03)
%
Jordan: What have you been doing all day?
Dr. Cox: Right up to this very moment I've been successfully avoiding you.
Jordan: I came to tell you that I'm taking the kids to my mother's for the weekend. And, seeing that you're not allowed within forty feet from her house...
Dr. Cox: Ah, the restraining order.
Jordan: (smiling) Ahhh, Christmas memories...
                        -- My Identity Crisis (7.04)
%
J.D.: (In janitor's uniform) It's like the ammonia is seeping into my brain and making me violent and angry and hateful!
Janitor: Yep, that's how it starts.
J.D.: (Angrily, to Boone) What the hell are you looking at?
Janitor: Nice!
                        -- My Identity Crisis (7.04)
%
Ted: Chicks, huh. They're all soft and cuddly but you never get to be with one.
                        -- My Growing Pains (7.05)
%
Dr. Cox: Who cares about losing your childhood? I damn sure didn't.
J.D.: Yeah, but that's because your parents were violently abusive alcoholics. Not that there is anything wrong with that; it was probably very exciting.
                        -- My Growing Pains (7.05)
%
Janitor: (to his girlfriend Lady) I think it's time you learned the real me. Here we go. I'm not... like normal people. I don't have superpowers, but I'm working on it. For instance, watch me move this pen. (stares at pen; it doesn't move) It worked at home. I don't know. Maybe my table's slanted. Uh, anyway. Um, in my spare time, I also enjoy stuffing animals. Usually with other animals. For instance, a badger will hold five squirrels. A squirrel will hold most of a cat. A mouse will hold a shrew and a vole. You get it... the circle of life. I have broken the sound barrier, but you must never ask me how. I don't believe in the moon. I think it's just the back of the sun.
Kelso: Ha! I love a good trainwreck! (Carla goes to interfere)
Janitor: Furthermore, I think if you look closely enough at a...
Carla: Stop it you! She doesn't know you're joking.
Janitor: No, I'm...
Lady: Oh, he's... he's joking? (Carla nods) Oh thank God.
                        -- My Number One Doctor (7.06)
%
(Turk and Dr. Cox talking about rateyourdoc.org)
Turk: There's no way I'm losing to J.D. There must be some way we can take him down.
Dr. Cox: I thought he was your best friend.
Turk: Winning is more important than friendship. My gram-gram taught me that.
                        -- My Number One Doctor (7.06)
%
Dr Cox: So, Gandhi: what did your wife think of her terrible present?
Turk: I haven't told her yet. I mean, I was going to, but her not knowing I understand Spanish is like having a secret power. It got me flapjacks for dinner.
Dr Kelso: You got brinner? DAAAAAMN, Turkledawg!
                        -- My Bad Too (7.07)
%
(Turk and Carla are talking in Spanish about J.D. and Elliot)
Turk: Like them. I bet you that in two weeks they will be back together.
Carla: Do you think so? Some people are not going to like that.
                        -- My Bad Too (7.07)
%
(The ladies' room is being cleaned; Elliot decides to use the men's room)
Elliot: (reading off the bathroom stall's wall) "Rate Dr. Reid's butt?"... Yes! 9.2! Thank God this hospital's full of white guys.
. . .
Kelso: Don't be too pleased with that 9.2. That's out of 100.
                        -- My Manhood (7.08)
%
Dr. Cox: Wait a minute, you're telling me that that poster-sized reminder of your giant ass-kicking doesn't bother you? You're the only one your son has to model himself after when he's deciding how to be a man, and occasionally seeing a Paul Mitchell poster every time you pass by the beauty salon just isn't going to cut it.
J.D.: Well, it's unfortunate that all children can't have the great role model you are, Mr. Borderline Alcoholic.
J.D.: (narration) Nailed him! It's great having silver bullets like that on everyone in the hospital.
Nurse: You sure told him.
J.D.: Thanks, Herpes.
                        -- My Manhood (7.08)
%
Ted: (seeing Turk and J.D. hug) I need one of those.
J.D.: A hug?
Ted: No, a black friend. I think it would make me much cooler.
Turk: I should be offended, but he's right.
                        -- My Dumb Luck (7.09)
%
Carla: Janitor, are you familiar with the term "delusions of grandeur"?
Janitor: I believe I coined that term.
                        -- My Dumb Luck (7.09)
%
J.D.: I'm doing this thing where I take a slice of someone else's wisdom and use it in my own life.
Jordan: Seems coincidental.
J.D.: And yet I do it almost every week.
                        -- My Waste of Time (7.10)
%
J.D.: (watching the Janitor and Ted argue) Those two should have their own sitcom. (fantasises about the sitcom's opening sequence)
Ted: I'm a lawyer!
Janitor: I'm a janitor!
Both: Together we adopted a cute little kid. We're Legal Custodians! (jingle) Get it?
J.D.: (to Sam) I'd watch that show; would you?
                        -- My Waste of Time (7.10)
%
Dr. Cox: (as the Knight) My name is Percival Cox. You're killing my friend. Prepare to die.
                        -- My Princess (7.11)
%
Dr. Cox: (narrating) And the princess and the idiot decided that their kiss didn't mean anything. (JD as The Village Idiot and Elliot as The Princess shake hands) Because in the end... they were both idiots.
                        -- My Princess (7.11)
%
Denise: You know, it's ironic that cancer starts with "can", because at this stage there's nothing we can do about it.
                        -- My Jerks (8.01)
%
Dr. Maddox: Hey, how come all you have in here is a smiley face button and a revolver?
Ted: Well, one's in case I get sad, and the other one in case I get really sad...
Dr. Maddox: (uncomfortable) Well... see you tomorrow.
Ted: We'll see...
                        -- My Jerks (8.01)
%
Dr. Maddox: Hi, I'm trying to keep non-medical personnel from coming back in here. I'm the chief of medicine.
Jordan: I'm the chief of slag-smacking, so I'd keep moving if I were you.
Dr. Maddox: That's clever.
Jordan: That's funny, being clever's not how I got the job; smacking slags is.
                        -- My Last Words (8.02)
%
J.D.: (To Denise) I need you to connect with your patients, okay? If they need some sympathy, dig down in your soul and find some.
Denise: Yo, Mr. Harris! Sucks you'll never walk again.
Mr. Harris: Hell yeah, it does!
Denise: Better, right?
J.D.: No, no, Jo. He... he lost his feet.
                        -- My Last Words (8.02)
%
J.D.: It's like all of a sudden this hospital is a police state!
Elliot: The next thing you know, they're gonna be charging doctors for candy at the gift shop!
J.D.: They do charge doctors for candy at the gift shop, Elliot.
Elliot: Really? Then why does Johann always let me...
J.D.: Because he wants to make you his wife and bring you back to Estonia.
Elliot: Ah, that's why he's always asking me if I'm comfortable around oxen.
                        -- My Saving Grace (8.03)
%
Katie: You know what's really driving me crazy? You keep acting like you know me.
Carla: Don't bother with the sob story. I've heard it all before.
Katie: Really? Because my dad died when I was six. To cope, my mom drank herself through most of my childhood. No one ever did anything for me—I had to do it all myself.
Carla: (in a sympathetic tone) Oh, Katie...
Katie: (choking up) I know.
Carla: (suddenly harsh) Heard it! Me? Dead mom. J.D? Dead dad. Elliot? Emotionally abusive parents. Dr. Cox? Emotionally and physically abusive dead parents that he might have killed, no one's quite sure.
                        -- My Saving Grace (8.03)
%
J.D.: (voiceover) Finally, Ted said what we were all thinking.
Ted: (to Kelso) Why are you spending your retirement in the place you used to work? It's so sad. By comparison, it almost makes my life seem... (pause) Aw! Still sad!
                        -- My Happy Place (8.04)
%
J.D.: You're a much stronger person than you used to be. I've changed, too... I have a beard now.
Elliot: How about you? Do you still let that voice in your head control you?
J.D: (voiceover) This is getting too serious! Kick her! Kick her in the head! (out loud) Not so much anymore.
                        -- My Happy Place (8.04)
%
J.D.: I grew up on the street... No, not the hood. Sesame Street.
                        -- My ABC's (8.05)
%
J.D.: Dude, have you been having fantasies about Muppets all day too?
Turk: No, I'm straight.
J.D.: That's just un-called for.
                        -- My ABC's (8.05)
%
Jordan: Excuse me? Dr. Kelso, isn't it? I'm Jordan Sullivan.
Dr. Kelso: What are you doing?
Jordan: I'm introducing myself, because clearly anyone who would convince Perry not to take the Chief job has never met me.
Dr. Kelso: That pansy-assed little tattletale!
Jordan: Bob, so help me God, you fix this or I will grab you by your muffin top and stomp on your withering man-parts until your eyes pop out!
Dr. Kelso: Twenty years ago I would have thrown you on this table and made love to you right here.
Jordan: And I would have loved it!
                        -- My Cookie Pants (8.06)
%
(during surgery)
Turk: Elliot, Todd and I are in the middle of teaching our interns how to do an appendectomy.
Elliot: Oh please, you just cut it out and sew it up.
Turk: (to assistants) She's right actually; finish up.
Elliot: Look, Carla always says that making love with you is perfect...
Turk: (to assistants) Yeah, she did!
Elliot: ...tell me, what makes it so special... I mean, she says that you even cry sometimes.
Turk: (mortified) Thank you for sharing!
The Todd: That's OK, T-Dog. If it doesn't hurt you're not doing it right.
                        -- My Cookie Pants (8.06)
%
(Janitor walks into Dr. Cox's new office with a framed picture)
Janitor: So, where do you want me to hang it?
Dr. Cox: Someone else's office?
Janitor: You trying to keep me from doing my job? How would you like it if I tried to stop you from taking patients' wallets after they die?
Dr. Cox: Doctors don't do that.
Janitor: (smiles and winks) Look at you — sticking with the plan!
                        -- My New Role (8.07)
%
(Dr. Kelso walks into Dr. Cox's office as Dr. Cox is steadying a picture)
Dr. Kelso: So that's what a Chief of Medicine does!
Dr. Cox: What's with the lab coat, Bob?
Dr. Kelso: Ah, the old gal down in the pharmacy doesn't know I've retired, so she still hooks me up with free morning-after pills.
                        -- My New Role (8.07)
%
Jack: Janice, you have one ugly baby, seriously.
J.D.: (to Dr. Cox) Did you teach your son to be mean to a baby?
Dr. Cox: Not just any baby but your baby.
(Jack runs to Dr Cox and is scooped up)
Dr. Cox: Come on, Jackie boy, let's go get you 10,000 jelly babies. (walks off with Jack)
(Sam looks upset)
J.D.: (to Sam) I know; they can be so hurtful.
                        -- My Lawyer's in Love (8.08)
%
Ted: I'm not what you would call a winner. Oh sure, I'm a lawyer. But that's only because I took the test in Alaska and they only have four laws, most of which are about when you can, or cannot, kill... seals.
                        -- My Lawyer's in Love (8.08)
%
Turk: (to Dr. Cox) Have you seen J.D.?
Dr. Cox: No, I have not. Would you like to know why? It's because he's not coming in today. He's on a mini-vacation. And it isn't just today; he's not coming in tomorrow, which, by the way, is my day off. But not anymore! I'm coming in early and staying late, because life is too darn short to spend the day bonding with my family when I could be roaming the halls of this hospital without the possibility of running into that bearded hug monster you call a best friend.
                        -- My Absence (8.09)
%
Dr. Cox: Death doesn't really bother me unless it's someone I know. And even then, if it happens in a funny way, like my cousin who, honest to God, was flattened by a steamroller... I still sort of enjoy it.
                        -- My Absence (8.09)
%
Sunny: You can call me Sunny. My dad nicknamed me that because I brighten up a room. Of course, in college I had a few dark years. My car was stolen, I had three—was it three? No, four—I had four abortions.
(Denise stares at her blankly)
Sunny: I'm joking!
Denise: I'm gonna kill you with a hammer.
(Sunny laughs)
Denise: Why are you laughing?
Sunny: Because I'm scared. I'm not that strong.
                        -- My Comedy Show (8.10)
%
Dr. Kelso: What do you want?
Janitor: I'm getting ready to torture Nurse Chestwhiskers, but it's her word against mine, so I need you to verify yesterday's incident.
Dr. Kelso: What incident? I wasn't even here yesterday.
Janitor: You were there.
Dr. Kelso: Excuse me. (holds a muffin to his ear) Hello? Ssh, he's standing right here!
Janitor: Me?
Dr. Kelso: I'll tell him. (to Janitor) My muffin thinks you're crazy and she wants you to go.
Janitor: Tell your muffin I think she's crazy. Maybe she should go!
Dr. Kelso: No.
Janitor: What is happening to me? (leaves, upset, just as Carla appears around the corner)
Carla: (pats Kelso on the back) Nice job.
                        -- My Comedy Show (8.10)
%
Dr. Cox: Hey there, Zeltzer. Do you mind if my family and I eat with with you?
Dr. Zeltzer: Not at all. I work such long hours that my wife and I hardly see each other anymore, so I installed this webcam so I can watch her during the day. Right now she's doing the dishes.
Dr. Cox: Then who in God's name are those two naked people?
Dr. Zeltzer: That's Mr. and Mrs. Dish.
Dr. Cox: (horrified) Get the hell out of here!
                        -- My Nah Nah Nah (8.11)
%
Lady: I want to thank you for dinner last night. I've eaten by candlelight before, but never by firefly-light.
Janitor: Yeah, it was hard to get them all into jugs, but I thought it was worth it. (clasping her hand) So, what do you want do do tonight?
Lady: (letting go) I don't really want to hold hands right now. Is that okay?
Janitor: Um, sure, I'm, uh, I'm fine with that. Whatever. Like teenage girls say: "whatever!" We're cool.
Lady: I'll call you. (leaves)
Dr. Cox: Hey Janitor, rock solid relationship there!
Jordan: You know, there's nothing like looking into someone's eyes and seeing a part of them die. Oh! There it goes. Bye bye, hope!
Janitor: Everything is fine between me and Lady. Excuse me for not having a relationship that's based on jet-black hate.
Jordan: We don't hate each other. At least we can hold hands. (notices Cox's wedding ring) Wait, what's this? Is that a wedding ring?
Janitor: You're just noticing now? He's been wearing it for months.
Dr. Cox: Gotta go!
                        -- My Nah Nah Nah (8.11)
%
Carla: (to Turk) If we do hook up tonight, for once, you won't be the only one thinking about J.D.
                        -- Their Story II (8.12)
%
Turk: Derek, can you give Denise's patient a therocentesis and get that fluid out of there?
Derek: Surgery to the rescue! (to Denise) You are welcome.
Denise: Awww, that's adorable: you have a crush on yourself. I'd be careful, because the guy you're in love with is a douche.
                        -- My Full Moon (8.13)
%
Elliot: (To Turk) You know, I never answered your question earlier about whether you and I will always be doctors: you will. You have this amazing ability to find joy in everything you do. Whether it's an operation you've done a hundred times, or even teaching. But as for me, I know you think it was a big victory figuring out what was wrong with Robyn, but those moments are kind of like eating a piece of chocolate. I enjoy the satisfaction for about ten seconds, and then it's gone. See, the thing that sticks with me, is the look of anguish on a patients face when I give them crappy news. I hold on to that forever. You're a surgeon: you occasionally get to fix people, but I figure out whats wrong with someone and then most the time I can't do anything about it; I just wish them luck dealing with it, or try to keep them alive for a while longer. So, you wanna know if I'll always be a doctor? I'd have to say, I don't know. I'm a doctor now, I will be tomorrow, but I can tell you that, if I'm ever lucky enough to get married, to have some kids, to maybe not need the money... I think I'd walk out of here and never look back.
                        -- My Full Moon (8.13)
%
J.D.: Then we saw where the Todd got it from. His old professor was the best high-fiver in the world.
(Professor high-fives Todd and the earth shakes)
J.D.: Then we'd all have sex to celebrate surviving.
                        -- My Soul on Fire (8.14 & 8.15)
%
(Van is speaking during the Janitor and Lady's wedding ceremony)
Van: Marriage is a dead institution. It hasn't worked for me, it hasn't worked for anybody in my family, but there are certain signposts you can follow, you know, to try and make the best of it. Try not to yell at each other, that's always a great idea. Don't share any money; always sound, sound advice. Never strike each other above the shoulders: from here down, from here down for hitting...Don't share cars. You're gonna find that it always has the other person's stink on it. You can't get that stuff off your shirt, you're gonna live with it for the rest of your life, you don't want it when you're driving to work, you know?
                        -- My Soul on Fire (8.14 & 8.15)
%
(Janitor saying his vows to Lady)
Janitor: (clears throat) I just wanna say somethin' before we kiss, okay? (to guests) And thanks for coming even though I didn't want you here. (To Lady) Uh, I know that I'm weird, but uh, ya know, you'd be weird too, if your mother aged backwards, like mine did. So the thing is that I always kind of... figured that I would end up alone. And then you came along.
Lady: Mmhmm?
Janitor: And you don't just accept my quirks and my crazy stories and my lies about my mom, you actually appreciate me for them. And uh, I don't think I'll ever stop appreciating you, for that. But I know that I'll never stop loving you for it.
Lady: I love you too. (Janitor and Lady kiss)
J.D.:(narration) And right then we all realised the value of the romantic gesture, from one person who loves someone, to another.
                        -- My Soul on Fire (8.14 & 8.15)
%
J.D.: Look, Elliot, I don't know if its possible to put how I feel about you into words, but I guess I'll give it a shot. I never really believed I'd find somebody that I love as much as you. I love you more than anything in the whole world. Elliot, I love you more than Turk.
Elliot: (touched) Oh, my God.
J.D.: I know, that's even hard for me to say, but it's true.
                        -- My Soul on Fire (8.14 & 8.15)
%
Sean: We hit a bit of a speed bump when I found out Sam was your son.
Kim: Yeah, he got drunk and asked me to sell him on the black market.
                        -- My Cuz (8.16)
%
Sean: It's not fair that we still have to be in each other's lives.
J.D.: I know, but I also know that the girls aren't going to let up until we make peace. So, what do you say we change the tone a little bit and both say something nice about each other? I'll go first. Look at you. There's no way around it: you're a beautiful man.
Sean: Thank you, J.D.
J.D.: Now you go.
Sean: I never agreed to that.
J.D.: Beautiful son of a bitch!
                        -- My Cuz (8.16)
%
Carla: I'm just saying, the only time you guys haven't been together was our honeymoon.
(Turk and J.D. exchange guilty looks)
Carla: What?
J.D.: It's time.
Turk: No!
J.D.: Yes!
Turk: Honey, uh, J.D. and I were together during our honeymoon. He flew in and stayed in the bungalow by the pool.
J.D.: He forgot his favorite lotion! Was I supposed to let him get ashey?
                        -- My Chief Concern (8.17)
%
Jordan: (to Ted) So, sweat-stain, how are things with your girlfriend now that you're roomies?
Ted: Oh, we're having sex like crazy.
(Everyone at the table gags)
Ted: Why do you react that way when you picture me having sex?
Dr. Kelso: Well, you try it!
Ted: (thinks, makes a horrified face) OH MY GOD!
Dr. Kelso: Not a pretty picture, is it?
                        -- My Chief Concern (8.17)
%
Sunny: He's finally gone. Talk about making a big deal over nothing, you know. I mean, Dr. Dorian was fine, but he was no better than any other doctor.
Cox: For the record, he was the best that ever came through this dump. (J.D. quietly walks behind him) John Dorian was the first and only doctor I ever met who cared as much as I do. And you can forget about him being just an exceptional physician because the fact of the matter is...he's a damn exceptional person. That's why people gravitated to him. That's why I did. He was my friend.
J.D.: Thank you, God. That was beautiful.
Cox: (mortified) Oh, God, no.
J.D.: It's okay, Perry. You just said how you feel. Honestly, I am so full of your love right now, I literally could not take another drop. Brace yourself, I'm coming in. (He hugs Cox and sighs happily) You smell like a father figure.
Cox: Oh, please stop.
J.D.: (breaking away) Great job, Sunny. You said your line perfectly.
Sunny: Thanks, I worked on it.
J.D.: I knew that would set you off. Good night, best friend. (He leaves) He thinks I'm an exceptional—(hits the doorway with his hands) ow!—person!
Cox: You realize that even though he gets to leave, you have to stay.
Sunny: I didn't think that out.
Cox: (menacingly) No, you didn't.
                        -- My Finale (8.18)
%
J.D.: I guess it's because we all want to believe that what we do is important, that people hang on our every word, that they care what we think. But the truth is, you should consider yourself lucky if you even occasionally get to make someone, anyone, feel a little better.
                        -- My Finale (8.18)
%
J.D.: (After fantasizing about the future) And who's to say this isn't what happens? Who can tell me that my fantasies won't come true? Just this once...
                        -- My Finale (8.18)
%
Lucy: (After smelling the air) Kiwi!
Denise: What?
Lucy: I smell kiwi.
Denise: Yeah, it's my shampoo. I love kiwis, so what?
Lucy: Me too! Not really, they're hairy, they look like... monkey nuts.
Denise: Don't smell people; it's weird.
                        -- Our First Day of School (9.01)
%
Lucy: I'd just like to thank you, on behalf of all of us, for getting us pizza. (voice-over) There: smelling incident fixed!
Denise: Yeah, they gave me money to do it. Along with free room and board to attend to your emotional needs. Speaking of which, little administrative thing. If you're going to kill yourself — lookin' at you, sad eyes — do it off-campus, because it is a butt-load of paperwork.
                        -- Our First Day of School (9.01)
%
(J.D. is sitting in a tree to symbolize the cardiovascular system)
Lucy: Great class, Doctor D! Even better than the one you did with interpretive dance.
J.D.: Thanks, Lucy. I like to call it "teacher-tainment". Now, be a doll and go give Dr. Turk a message ASAP. Tell him Dr. Dorian is stuck in the tree again, but this time there are many bees. Hurry, Lucy, I have honey hair!
                        -- Our Drunk Friend (9.02)
%
Lucy: I thought being a doctor was about helping people.
J.D.: It is, Lucy. Well, that and showing up my third grade teacher, who said I'd never amount to anything. Eat it, Mrs. Nickerson! (voiceover) And rest in peace.
                        -- Our Drunk Friend (9.02)
%
Denise: I'm sorry, white bread, I'm not really looking for a protegé slash suckup.
Lucy: Dr. Mahoney, I am not sucking up! If I were sucking up, I would tell you how much I like your shoes... which I do, by the way! They're mannish, but flirty, like, "Hey boys, come and watch me build a deck."
                        -- Our Role Models (9.03)
%
Dr. Cox: Okay class, with the exception of number one here, today's assignment is to drop out of medical school. Your parents' money would be better spent stuffed into garbage bags and shot into the sun.
                        -- Our Role Models (9.03)
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Ted: Dr. Cox, did you hear that I'm quitting?
Dr. Cox: I did, Ted, and I don't know how to pretend to care.
Ted: Understandable.
Dr. Kelso: Theodore, I always figured that someday we'd just find you dead in your office.
Ted: Yeah, that was the dream. But the Gooch and I are taking some time off and touring the country.
Gooch: We've written a song for every state.
Dr. Cox: I'm sure I'll hear all of them when I die and go to Hell.
                        -- Our Histories (9.04)
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Bouncer: Are you on the list?
J.D.: Yes, under "John Dorian", or "Dr. Dorian". Or maybe "Doctor Dizzle" or "J. Dizzle".
Bouncer: There's a "J. Dizzle" here.
Man: I'm J. Dizzle!
J.D.: Dammit!
                        -- Our Histories (9.04)
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Lucy: Doctor D, I can't believe you're leaving us! You're, like, the best teacher ever!
J.D.: Ah, Lucy, but you'll always carry a piece of me with you. I'll be here (touches her head) and I'll be here (touches her stomach).
Lucy: In my stomach?
J.D.: I would have touched your heart, but I did that once to another female student, and it resulted in having to watch a four-hour video called "Boundaries".
                        -- Our Mysteries (9.05)
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(Lucy is taking blood from J.D.)
Lucy: I don't know why I'm not getting this.
J.D.: I used to have a problem with the same thing. But then I realized that you just have to pretend that the needle is your friend. Be careful, though: I told that to a medical student once, and he became a heroin addict.
                        -- Our Mysteries (9.05)
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Drew: So, did he buy the newsletter rankings nonsense?
Dr. Cox: Like an elderly shut-in talking to a telemarketer.
Drew: Outstanding.
                        -- Our New Girl-Bro (9.6)
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Lucy: (to Elliot) Morning, sunshine! You look rested! Oh, and making time for the paper, that must be nice. (drops the act) Later, you munch!
Elliot: Did she just call me a buttmunch?
Drew: Well, she didn't use the word "butt", though I can't think of any other prominent kind of munch, so... yeah, she called you a buttmunch. (cheerfully) I'm Drew, by the way!
                        -- Our New Girl-Bro (9.6)
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Dr. Cox: And now, a boring announcement about a pointless tradition, brought to you by an aging figurehead with a failing liver and an over-active libido.
Dr. Kelso: Thank you, Perry, you anger-filled muscle-slut.
Dr. Cox: I miss this.
Dr. Kelso: Me, too. It kills me that we're friends now.
                        -- Our White Coats (9.7)
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Turk: The OR room is a safe place. No one's going to yell "Recognize!" at you. Can I ask you a question? Why do white people ruin everything? I only got to say "fo shizzle" for a week. A week!
                        -- Our White Coats (9.7)
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Cole: What did Drew say about me rejoining the study group?
Lucy: He said no.
Cole: Really? Did you remind him I'm one-eighteenth American Indian?
Lucy: Are you?
Cole: I don't know, but I always tell people that. It makes the white man feel guilty.
                        -- Our Couples (9.8)
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Cole: Damn, girl, you can't just jump in front of golf carts! That's how gardeners die!
                        -- Our Couples (9.8)
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(The class is to be tested on dissecting a cadaver, who was once Lucy's patient, Ben)
Lucy: (narration) Anyway, my friend Ben was going to propel our group to the top of the class. I'm so moved, I just want to put those feelings into words. (out loud) Dr. Turk, I can't wait to slice up this old bastard's ticker!
                        -- Our Stuff Gets Real (9.9)
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J.D. (to Elliot) Hello, wife-face! Your shift is over, and I'm taking you on a baby-moon!
Elliot: What are you talking about?
J.D.: A baby-moon is a vacation that couples take just before your baby baby comes out of your special area. And the resort I found is amazing; they have horseback riding, and jet-skiing...
Elliot: Oh, do they also have any punching each other in the stomach contests? Because that's another thing I can't do.
                        -- Our Stuff Gets Real (9.9)
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Cole: Your mom doesn't like me very much, does she?
Lucy: (nervously chewing her hair) She's crazy about you!
Cole: See? You're lying! Babe, I can read you like the back of a DVD case. You chew on your hair when you lie, you adjust your bra when you're about to yell at me, and you get this far-off look in your eye when you're narrating in your head.
Lucy: (narration) Even though Cole and I were clicking...
Cole: There it is!
Lucy: (adjusting her bra) Stop noticing things I do!
                        -- Our True Lies (9.10)
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(The class is in detention under suspicion of cheating)
Denise: I hope it was Drew. Then he'll get his butt thrown out of here.
Lucy: What did he do to you? Did he smack you around?
Denise: Worse. He told me he loved me. Who does that? Don't you see? He's trying to get me to trust him so he can let me down.
Lucy: Crazy idea: you could just say I love you back.
Denise: Yeah, but then if it doesn't work out, I'll have to kill him, go to jail, break out, and kill you for giving me that advice.
Lucy: I love how our friendship is based predominately on threats.
                        -- Our True Lies (9.10)
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Drew: I just needed a moment of peace and quiet. The other students will.. not.. stop asking me questions.
Dr. Cox: Oh, puh-leeze! I have a hospital full of incompetents hammering me with stupid questions every second of every day.
Todd: Dr. Cox, your patient in three is septic. Antibiotics or vasopressors?
Dr. Cox: Antibiotics at first.
Drew: That wasn't so dumb.
Dr. Cox: Wait for it.
Todd: Oh, did you get my request for scrubs that hug a little closer to my wham-bam?
Dr. Cox: Thank you, Todd, for being the example to a point you don't understand.
Todd: You're welcome.
                        -- Our Dear Leaders (9.11)
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Russell: There is so much I could teach you, if you would just open up and let me in. Let me in, Turk!
Turk: I'm about to punch you in the mouth!
Russell: Fine, but be forewarned: I trained with the Mossad. I could kill you with a button off your jacket.
Turk: Really. Because I trained with LaMarcus down at the gym, and he was an NFL linebacker before he came out of the closet!
                        -- Our Dear Leaders (9.11)
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Dr. Cox: Well then, Bobbo, I've figured out what's causing the fainting spells.
Dr. Kelso: Men don't faint. We take unintended, decisive naps.
                        -- Our Driving Issues (9.12)
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Dr. Kelso: Well I gotta get home early anyway; I want to read the internet before they take it down.
Turk: I'm not exactly sure that's how that works, sir.
                        -- Our Driving Issues (9.12)
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(Lucy is talking with the adult son of her anatomy cadaver, who it turns out was an abusive father when he was alive)
Lucy: OK, I'm sure Ben could be a jerk. But you have to admit he was a great bowler; I found a picture of him bowling a 310 on August 12, 1979.
Eric: So that's where he was on my seventh birthday.
Lucy: (voiceover) Aw, balls!
                        -- Our Thanks (9.13)
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Denise: Stop acting weird. I'm trying to eat lunch in front of a bunch of corpses.
                        -- Our Thanks (9.13)
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