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1 I never thought that I'd see the day where Netscape is free software and
2 X11 is proprietary. We live in interesting times.
3 -- Matt Kimball <mkimball@xmission.com>
5 If I had done everything I'm credited with, I'd be speaking to you from
6 a laboratory jar at Harvard.
7 -- Frank Sinatra
9 AS USUAL, YOUR INFORMATION STINKS.
10 -- Frank Sinatra, telegram to "Time" magazine
12 Programmers used to batch environments may find it hard to live without
13 giant listings; we would find it hard to use them.
14 -- D. M. Ritchie
16 UH-OH!! I think KEN is OVER-DUE on his R.V. PAYMENTS and HE'S having a
17 NERVOUS BREAKDOWN too!! Ha ha.
19 "I distrust a man who says 'when.' If he's got to be careful not to drink too
20 much, it's because he's not to be trusted when he does."
21 -- Sidney Greenstreet, _The Maltese Falcon_
23 I will not drink!
24 But if I do...
25 I will not get drunk!
26 But if I do...
27 I will not in public!
28 But if I do...
29 I will not fall down!
30 But if I do...
31 I will fall face down so that they cannot see my company badge.
33 <Knghtbrd> 2fort5 sucks enough to have its own gravity ...
35 No one may kill a man. Not for any purpose. It cannot be condoned.
36 -- Kirk, "Spock's Brain", stardate 5431.6
38 It's better to burn out than to fade away.
40 I have hardly ever known a mathematician who was capable of reasoning.
41 -- Plato
43 "It was a Roman who said it was sweet to die for one's country. The
44 Greeks never said it was sweet to die for anything. They had no vital lies."
45 -- Edith Hamilton, "The Greek Way"
47 Tom's hungry, time to eat lunch.
49 Utility is when you have one telephone, luxury is when you have two,
50 opulence is when you have three -- and paradise is when you have none.
51 -- Doug Larson
53 Ballistophobia:
54 Fear of bullets;
55 Otophobia:
56 Fear of opening one's eyes.
57 Peccatophobia:
58 Fear of sinning.
59 Taphephobia:
60 Fear of being buried alive.
61 Sitophobia:
62 Fear of food.
63 Trichophobbia:
64 Fear of hair.
65 Vestiphobia:
66 Fear of clothing.
68 'Mounten' wird fuer drei Dinge benutzt: 'Aufsitzen' auf Pferde, 'einklinken'
69 von Festplatten in Dateisysteme, und, nun, 'besteigen' beim Sex.
70 (Christa Keil in a German posting: "Mounting is used for three things:
71 climbing on a horse, linking in a hard disk unit in data systems, and, well,
72 mounting during sex".)
74 QOTD:
75 "I used to get high on life but lately I've built up a resistance."
77 I'm meditating on the FORMALDEHYDE and the ASBESTOS leaking into my
78 PERSONAL SPACE!!
80 Pain is a thing of the mind. The mind can be controlled.
81 -- Spock, "Operation -- Annihilate!" stardate 3287.2
83 Ah, but a man's grasp should exceed his reach,
84 Or what's a heaven for ?
85 -- Robert Browning, "Andrea del Sarto"
87 A handful of patience is worth more than a bushel of brains.
89 He is truly wise who gains wisdom from another's mishap.
91 Stupid, n.:
92 Losing $25 on the game and $25 on the instant replay.
94 1st graffitiist: QUESTION AUTHORITY!
96 2nd graffitiist: Why?
98 Rules for driving in New York:
99 (1) Anything done while honking your horn is legal.
100 (2) You may park anywhere if you turn your four-way flashers on.
101 (3) A red light means the next six cars may go through the
102 intersection.
104 When you say that you agree to a thing in principle, you mean that
105 you have not the slightest intention of carrying it out in practice.
106 -- Otto Von Bismarck
108 "My life is a soap opera, but who has the rights?"
109 -- MadameX
111 If money can't buy happiness, I guess you'll just have to rent it.
113 Backed up the system lately?
115 We don't claim Interactive EasyFlow is good for anything -- if you
116 think it is, great, but it's up to you to decide. If Interactive EasyFlow
117 doesn't work: tough. If you lose a million because Interactive EasyFlow
118 messes up, it's you that's out the million, not us. If you don't like this
119 disclaimer: tough. We reserve the right to do the absolute minimum provided
120 by law, up to and including nothing.
121 This is basically the same disclaimer that comes with all software
122 packages, but ours is in plain English and theirs is in legalese.
123 We didn't really want to include any disclaimer at all, but our
124 lawyers insisted. We tried to ignore them but they threatened us with the
125 attack shark at which point we relented.
126 -- Haven Tree Software Limited, "Interactive EasyFlow"
128 Huh?
130 One dusty July afternoon, somewhere around the turn of the century, Patrick
131 Malone was in Mulcahey's Bar, bending an elbow with the other street car
132 conductors from the Brooklyn Traction Company. While they were discussing the
133 merits of a local ring hero, the bar goes silent. Malone turns around to see
134 his wife, with a face grim as death, stalking to the bar.
135 Slapping a four-bit piece down on the bar, she draws herself up to her
136 full five feet five inches and says to Mulcahey, "Give me what himself has
137 been havin' all these years."
138 Mulcahey looks at Malone, who shrugs, and then back at Margaret Mary
139 Malone. He sets out a glass and pours her a triple shot of Rye. The bar is
140 totally silent as they watch the woman pick up the glass and knock back the
141 drink. She slams the glass down on the bar, gasps, shudders slightly, and
142 passes out; falling straight back, stiff as a board, saved from sudden contact
143 with the barroom floor by the ample belly of Seamus Fogerty.
144 Sometime later, she comes to on the pool table, a jacket under her
145 head. Her bloodshot eyes fell upon her husband, who says, "And all these
146 years you've been thinkin' I've been enjoying meself."
148 If practice makes perfect, and nobody's perfect, why practice?
150 Debian Hint #10: There are Debian mailing lists for everything from user
151 questions to debates over what to put into the Debian Policy documents.
152 Check out the list at http://www.debian.org/MailingLists/ and subscribe to
153 those that interest you.
155 Doubt is a pain too lonely to know that faith is his twin brother.
156 -- Kahlil Gibran
158 A rock store eventually closed down; they were taking too much for granite.
160 Your password is pitifully obvious.
162 After Donald Trump's stretch limousine was stolen and found
163 undamaged a few blocks away; he said, "Nothing was stolen. I had
164 an honest thief."-International Herald Tribune, page 3, March 2,
165 1992
167 Joe's sister puts spaghetti in her shoes!
169 When a lot of remedies are suggested for a disease, that means it can't
170 be cured.
171 -- Anton Chekhov, "The Cherry Orchard"
173 The all-softening overpowering knell,
174 The tocsin of the soul, -- the dinner bell.
175 -- Lord Byron
177 Mitchell's Law of Committees:
178 Any simple problem can be made insoluble if enough meetings are
179 held to discuss it.
181 Into love and out again,
182 Thus I went and thus I go.
183 Spare your voice, and hold your pen:
184 Well and bitterly I know
185 All the songs were ever sung,
186 All the words were ever said;
187 Could it be, when I was young,
188 Someone dropped me on my head?
189 -- Dorothy Parker, "Theory"
191 My sister opened a computer store in Hawaii. She sells C shells down
192 by the seashore.
194 Were it not for the presence of the unwashed and the half-educated, the
195 formless, queer and incomplete, the unreasonable and absurd, the infinite
196 shapes of the delightful human tadpole, the horizon would not wear so wide
197 a grin.
198 -- F. M. Colby, "Imaginary Obligations"
200 Some programming languages manage to absorb change, but withstand progress.
201 -- Epigrams in Programming, ACM SIGPLAN Sept. 1982
203 <dark> Looks like the channel is back to normal :)
204 <jim> You mean it's not scrolling faster than anyone can read? :)
205 -- Seen on #Debian after the release of Debian 2.0
207 optimist, n.:
208 A proponent of the belief that black is white.
210 A pessimist asked God for relief.
211 "Ah, you wish me to restore your hope and cheerfulness," said God.
212 "No," replied the petitioner, "I wish you to create something that
213 would justify them."
214 "The world is all created," said God, "but you have overlooked
215 something -- the mortality of the optimist."
216 -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
218 Are you a parent? Do you sometimes find yourself unsure as to what to
219 say in those awkward situations? Worry no more...
221 Do as I say, not as I do.
222 Do me a favour and don't tell me about it. I don't want to know.
223 What did you do *this* time?
224 If it didn't taste bad, it wouldn't be good for you.
225 When I was your age...
226 I won't love you if you keep doing that.
227 Think of all the starving children in India.
228 If there's one thing I hate, it's a liar.
229 I'm going to kill you.
230 Way to go, clumsy.
231 If you don't like it, you can lump it.
233 Hardware met Software on the road to Changtse. Software said: "You
234 are the Yin and I am the Yang. If we travel together we will become famous
235 and earn vast sums of money." And so the pair set forth together, thinking
236 to conquer the world.
237 Presently, they met Firmware, who was dressed in tattered rags, and
238 hobbled along propped on a thorny stick. Firmware said to them: "The Tao
239 lies beyond Yin and Yang. It is silent and still as a pool of water. It does
240 not seek fame, therefore nobody knows its presence. It does not seek fortune,
241 for it is complete within itself. It exists beyond space and time."
242 Software and Hardware, ashamed, returned to their homes.
243 -- Geoffrey James, "The Tao of Programming"
245 Your society will be sought by people of taste and refinement.
247 The first time, it's a KLUDGE!
248 The second, a trick.
249 Later, it's a well-established technique!
250 -- Mike Broido, Intermetrics
252 The perfect man is the true partner. Not a bed partner nor a fun partner,
253 but a man who will shoulder burdens equally with [you] and possess that
254 quality of joy.
255 -- Erica Jong
257 Mr. Cole's Axiom:
258 The sum of the intelligence on the planet is a constant;
259 the population is growing.
261 If God wanted us to be brave, why did he give us legs?
262 -- Marvin Kitman
264 You will step on the night soil of many countries.
266 * Culus thinks we should go to trade shows and see how many people we
267 can kill by throwing debian cds at them
269 If you want to make God laugh, tell him about your plans.
270 -- Woody Allen
272 I owe the public nothing.
273 -- J. P. Morgan
275 "Bite off, dirtball."
276 Richard Sexton, richard@gryphon.COM
278 Krogt, n. (chemical symbol: Kr):
279 The metallic silver coating found on fast-food game cards.
280 -- Rich Hall, "Sniglets"
282 HOW TO PROVE IT, PART 5
284 proof by accumulated evidence:
285 Long and diligent search has not revealed a counterexample.
287 proof by cosmology:
288 The negation of the proposition is unimaginable or
289 meaningless. Popular for proofs of the existence of God.
291 proof by mutual reference:
292 In reference A, Theorem 5 is said to follow from Theorem 3 in
293 reference B, which is shown to follow from Corollary 6.2 in
294 reference C, which is an easy consequence of Theorem 5 in
295 reference A.
297 proof by metaproof:
298 A method is given to construct the desired proof. The
299 correctness of the method is proved by any of these
300 techniques.
302 A Linux machine! because a 486 is a terrible thing to waste!
303 (By jjs@wintermute.ucr.edu, Joe Sloan)
305 A citizen of America will cross the ocean to fight for democracy, but
306 won't cross the street to vote in a national election.
307 -- Bill Vaughan
309 So this is what it feels like to be potato salad
311 A gentleman never strikes a lady with his hat on.
312 -- Fred Allen
314 Kinkler's First Law:
315 Responsibility always exceeds authority.
317 Kinkler's Second Law:
318 All the easy problems have been solved.
320 A can of ASPARAGUS, 73 pigeons, some LIVE ammo, and a FROZEN DAQUIRI!!
322 Reality does not exist -- yet.
324 When we write programs that "learn", it turns out we do and they don't.
326 ___====-_ _-====___
327 _--~~~#####// ' ` \\#####~~~--_
328 -~##########// ( ) \\##########~-_
329 -############// |\^^/| \\############-
330 _~############// (O||O) \\############~_
331 ~#############(( \\// ))#############~
332 -###############\\ (oo) //###############-
333 -#################\\ / `' \ //#################-
334 -###################\\/ () \//###################-
335 _#/|##########/\######( (()) )######/\##########|\#_
336 |/ |#/\#/\#/\/ \#/\##| \()/ |##/\#/ \/\#/\#/\#| \|
337 ` |/ V V ` V )|| |()| ||( V ' V /\ \| '
338 ` ` ` ` / | |()| | \ ' '<||> '
339 ( | |()| | )\ /|/
340 __\ |__|()|__| /__\______/|/
341 (vvv(vvvv)(vvvv)vvv)______|/
343 switch (ref $@) {
344 OverflowError =>
346 warn "Dam needs to be drained";
347 DomainError =>
349 warn "King needs to be trained";
350 NuclearWarError =>
352 die;
353 }
354 -- Larry Wall in <199709302338.QAA17037@wall.org>
356 /*
357 * [...] Note that 120 sec is defined in the protocol as the maximum
358 * possible RTT. I guess we'll have to use something other than TCP
359 * to talk to the University of Mars.
360 * PAWS allows us longer timeouts and large windows, so once implemented
361 * ftp to mars will work nicely.
362 */
363 (from /usr/src/linux/net/inet/tcp.c, concerning RTT [retransmission timeout])
365 For best results, follow directions carefully.
367 Multics is security spelled sideways.
369 I understand why you're confused. You're thinking too much.
370 -- Carole Wallach.
372 Bowie's Theorem:
373 If an experiment works, you must be using the wrong equipment.
375 Carson's Observation on Footwear:
376 If the shoe fits, buy the other one too.
378 Just because everything is different doesn't mean anything has changed.
379 -- Irene Peter
381 Do not try this at home.
383 Burn's Hog Weighing Method:
384 (1) Get a perfectly symmetrical plank and balance it across a sawhorse.
385 (2) Put the hog on one end of the plank.
386 (3) Pile rocks on the other end until the plank is again perfectly
387 balanced.
388 (4) Carefully guess the weight of the rocks.
389 -- Robert Burns
391 Nadia Comaneci, simple perfection.
392 -- '76 Olympics
394 The secret of happiness is total disregard of everybody.
396 Youth is such a wonderful thing. What a crime to waste it on children.
397 -- George Bernard Shaw
399 Turn the other cheek.
400 -- Jesus Christ
402 Dear Sir,
403 I am firmly opposed to the spread of microchips either to the home or
404 to the office, We have more than enough of them foisted upon us in public
405 places. They are a disgusting Americanism, and can only result in the farmers
406 being forced to grow smaller potatoes, which in turn will cause massive un-
407 employment in the already severely depressed agricultural industry.
408 Yours faithfully,
409 Capt. Quinton D'Arcy, J.P.
410 Sevenoaks
411 -- Letters To The Editor, The Times of London