From 9401d887c6e235993e605c286992a3c41abc882c Mon Sep 17 00:00:00 2001 From: =?utf8?q?Ulrich=20Sp=C3=B6rlein?= Date: Wed, 20 Jan 2010 11:05:47 +0100 Subject: [PATCH] fortune(6): Merge fortunes2 into regular fortunes - Stop special ROT13 treatment of fortunes-o. Neither murphy-o, fortunes2-o nor limerick were doing the same and contain even more possibly offensive stuff. - Merge the spelling files for fortunes{,-o}, this improves maintainability in case fortunes are moved between the files - make the installation of offensive stuff depend on INSTALL_OFFENSIVE_FORTUNES, like NetBSD (defaults to yes). Previously you had to edit the Makefile to disable this. - Drop CVS Ids, which are no longer maintained :( No fortunes added or removed from the pool. --- games/fortune/datfiles/Makefile | 28 +- games/fortune/datfiles/{fortunes2 => fortunes} | 16405 ++++++++++++++++++- games/fortune/datfiles/{fortunes2-o => fortunes-o} | 2260 ++- games/fortune/datfiles/fortunes-o.fake | 2 - games/fortune/datfiles/fortunes-o.real | 2246 --- games/fortune/datfiles/fortunes-o.sp.ok | 299 - games/fortune/datfiles/fortunes.sp.ok | 256 +- 7 files changed, 18910 insertions(+), 2586 deletions(-) rename games/fortune/datfiles/{fortunes2 => fortunes} (74%) rename games/fortune/datfiles/{fortunes2-o => fortunes-o} (87%) delete mode 100644 games/fortune/datfiles/fortunes-o.fake delete mode 100644 games/fortune/datfiles/fortunes-o.real delete mode 100644 games/fortune/datfiles/fortunes-o.sp.ok diff --git a/games/fortune/datfiles/Makefile b/games/fortune/datfiles/Makefile index 864b23c1cd..b73de434cf 100644 --- a/games/fortune/datfiles/Makefile +++ b/games/fortune/datfiles/Makefile @@ -3,31 +3,19 @@ # $DragonFly: src/games/fortune/datfiles/Makefile,v 1.7 2007/12/27 13:40:11 matthias Exp $ # list of fortunes to be installed -FORTUNES= dragonfly-funny dragonfly-tips fortunes fortunes2 fortunes-o \ - murphy startrek zippy +FORTUNES= dragonfly-funny dragonfly-tips fortunes murphy startrek zippy -# TO AVOID INSTALLING THE POTENTIALLY OFFENSIVE FORTUNES, COMMENT OUT THE -# THREE LINES AND UNCOMMENT THE FOURTH LINE. +# TO AVOID INSTALLING THE POTENTIALLY OFFENSIVE FORTUNES, RUN 'make' with +# "INSTALL_OFFENSIVE_FORTUNES=NO", or set "INSTALL_OFFENSIVE_FORTUNES=NO" +# IN /etc/make.conf. -# THE THREE LINES: -FORTUNES+= fortunes2-o limerick murphy-o -TYPE= real - -# THE FOURTH LINE: -#TYPE= fake +INSTALL_OFFENSIVE_FORTUNES?= YES +.if (${INSTALL_OFFENSIVE_FORTUNES} == "YES") +FORTUNES+= fortunes-o limerick murphy-o +.endif FILESDIR= ${SHAREDIR}/games/fortune - -# add rules for specially handled fortunes here -fortunes-o.dat: fortunes-o - PATH=$$PATH:/usr/games:${.OBJDIR}/../strfile \ - strfile -Csx ${.ALLSRC} ${.TARGET} - -fortunes-o: fortunes-o.${TYPE} - tr a-zA-Z n-za-mN-ZA-M < ${.ALLSRC} > ${.TARGET} - - .for f in ${FORTUNES} FILES+= $f $f.dat CLEANFILES+= $f.dat fortunes-o diff --git a/games/fortune/datfiles/fortunes2 b/games/fortune/datfiles/fortunes similarity index 74% rename from games/fortune/datfiles/fortunes2 rename to games/fortune/datfiles/fortunes index 305392e156..84bb3504dd 100644 --- a/games/fortune/datfiles/fortunes2 +++ b/games/fortune/datfiles/fortunes @@ -1,6 +1,5 @@ This fortune brought to you by: -$FreeBSD: src/games/fortune/datfiles/fortunes2,v 1.17.2.8 2002/10/19 05:10:15 fanf Exp $ -$DragonFly: src/games/fortune/datfiles/fortunes2,v 1.6 2007/05/17 08:19:00 swildner Exp $ + The DragonFly BSD Project % ======================================================================= || || @@ -118,6 +117,83 @@ either. If you need some help, give us a call. __\ |__|()|__| /__\______/|/ (vvv(vvvv)(vvvv)vvv)______|/ % + -- Gifts for Children -- + +This is easy. You never have to figure out what to get for children, +because they will tell you exactly what they want. They spend months +and months researching these kinds of things by watching Saturday- +morning cartoon-show advertisements. Make sure you get your children +exactly what they ask for, even if you disapprove of their choices. If +your child thinks he wants Murderous Bob, the Doll with the Face You +Can Rip Right Off, you'd better get it. You may be worried that it +might help to encourage your child's antisocial tendencies, but believe +me, you have not seen antisocial tendencies until you've seen a child +who is convinced that he or she did not get the right gift. + -- Dave Barry, "Christmas Shopping: A Survivor's Guide" +% + -- Gifts for Men -- + +Men are amused by almost any idiot thing -- that is why professional +ice hockey is so popular -- so buying gifts for them is easy. But you +should never buy them clothes. Men believe they already have all the +clothes they will ever need, and new ones make them nervous. For +example, your average man has 84 ties, but he wears, at most, only +three of them. He has learned, through humiliating trial and error, +that if he wears any of the other 81 ties, his wife will probably laugh +at him ("You're not going to wear THAT tie with that suit, are you?"). +So he has narrowed it down to three safe ties, and has gone several +years without being laughed at. If you give him a new tie, he will +pretend to like it, but deep inside he will hate you. + +If you want to give a man something practical, consider tires. More +than once, I would have gladly traded all the gifts I got for a new set +of tires. + -- Dave Barry, "Christmas Shopping: A Survivor's Guide" +% + *** NEWSFLASH *** +Russian tanks steamrolling through New Jersey!!!! Details at eleven! +% + ACHTUNG!!! + +Das machine is nicht fur gefingerpoken und mittengrabben. Ist easy +schnappen der springenwerk, blowenfusen und corkenpoppen mit +spitzensparken. Ist nicht fur gewerken by das dummkopfen. Das +rubbernecken sightseeren keepen hands in das pockets. Relaxen und +vatch das blinkenlights!!! +% + Chapter 1 + +The story so far: + + In the beginning the Universe was created. This has made a lot +of people very angry and been widely regarded as a bad move. + -- Douglas Adams, "The Restaurant at the End of the Universe" +% + DELETE A FORTUNE! + +Don't some of these fortunes just drive you nuts?! Wouldn't you like +to see some of them deleted from the system? You can! Just mail to +"fortune" with the fortune you hate most, and we MIGHT make sure it +gets expunged. +% + Get GUMMed + --- ------ +The Gurus of Unix Meeting of Minds (GUMM) takes place Wednesday, April +1, 2076 (check THAT in your perpetual calendar program), 14 feet above +the ground directly in front of the Milpitas Gumps. Members will grep +each other by the hand (after intro), yacc a lot, smoke filtered +chroots in pipes, chown with forks, use the wc (unless uuclean), fseek +nice zombie processes, strip, and sleep, but not, we hope, od. Three +days will be devoted to discussion of the ramifications of whodo. Two +seconds have been allotted for a complete rundown of all the user- +friendly features of Unix. Seminars include "Everything You Know is +Wrong", led by Tom Kempson, "Batman or Cat:man?" led by Richie Dennis +"cc C? Si! Si!" led by Kerwin Bernighan, and "Document Unix, Are You +Kidding?" led by Jan Yeats. No Reader Service No. is necessary because +all GUGUs (Gurus of Unix Group of Users) already know everything we +could tell them. + -- Dr. Dobb's Journal, June '84 +% It's grad exam time... COMPUTER SCIENCE Inside your desk you'll find a listing of the DEC/VMS operating @@ -204,6 +280,20 @@ The correct answer is d. You should test your car's horn at least once every hour, and more often at night or in residential neighborhoods. % + Pittsburgh Driver's Test + +(7) The car directly in front of you has a flashing right tail light + but a steady left tail light. This means + + (a) one of the tail lights is broken; you should blow your horn + to call the problem to the driver's attention. + (b) the driver is signaling a right turn. + (c) the driver is signaling a left turn. + (d) the driver is from out of town. + +The correct answer is (d). Tail lights are used in some foreign +countries to signal turns. +% Pittsburgh driver's test 7: The car directly in front of you has a flashing right tail light but a steady left tail light. @@ -215,6 +305,18 @@ and more often at night or in residential neighborhoods. The correct answer is d. Tail lights are used in some foreign countries to signal turns. % + Pittsburgh Driver's Test + +(8) Pedestrians are + + (a) irrelevant. + (b) communists. + (c) a nuisance. + (d) difficult to clean off the front grille. + +The correct answer is (a). Pedestrians are not in cars, so they are +totally irrelevant to driving; you should ignore them completely. +% Pittsburgh driver's test 8: Pedestrians are a) irrelevant. @@ -263,6 +365,88 @@ steel industries. " :/ V V " V \#\: : : :/#/ V " V V \: " " " " " \ : : : : / " " " " % + Has your family tried 'em? + + POWDERMILK BISCUITS + + Heavens, they're tasty and expeditious! + + They're made from whole wheat, to give shy persons the + strength to get up and do what needs to be done. + + POWDERMILK BISCUITS + + Buy them ready-made in the big blue box with the picture of the + biscuit on the front, or in the brown bag with the dark stains + that indicate freshness. +% + THE STORY OF CREATION + or + THE MYTH OF URK + +In the beginning there was data. The data was without form and null, +and darkness was upon the face of the console; and the Spirit of IBM +was moving over the face of the market. And DEC said, "Let there be +registers"; and there were registers. And DEC saw that they carried; +and DEC separated the data from the instructions. DEC called the data +Stack, and the instructions they called Code. And there was evening +and there was morning, one interrupt ... + -- Rico Tudor +% + A Severe Strain on the Credulity + +As a method of sending a missile to the higher, and even to the highest +parts of the earth's atmospheric envelope, Professor Goddard's rocket +is a practicable and therefore promising device. It is when one +considers the multiple-charge rocket as a traveler to the moon that one +begins to doubt ... for after the rocket quits our air and really +starts on its journey, its flight would be neither accelerated nor +maintained by the explosion of the charges it then might have left. +Professor Goddard, with his "chair" in Clark College and countenancing +of the Smithsonian Institution, does not know the relation of action to +re-action, and of the need to have something better than a vacuum +against which to react ... Of course he only seems to lack the +knowledge ladled out daily in high schools. + -- New York Times Editorial, 1920 +% + AMAZING BUT TRUE ... + +If all the salmon caught in Canada in one year were laid end to end +across the Sahara Desert, the smell would be absolutely awful. +% + AMAZING BUT TRUE ... + +There is so much sand in Northern Africa that if it were spread out it +would completely cover the Sahara Desert. +% + Another Glitch in the Call + ------- ------ -- --- ---- + (Sung to the tune of the classic Pink Floyd song.) + +We don't need no indirection +We don't need no flow control +No data typing or declarations +Did you leave the lists alone? + + Hey! Hacker! Leave those lists alone! + +Chorus: + All in all, it's just a pure-LISP function call. + All in all, it's just a pure-LISP function call. +% + Answers to Last Fortune's Questions: + +(1) None. (Moses didn't have an ark). +(2) Your mother, by the pigeonhole principle. +(3) I don't know. +(4) Who cares? +(5) 6 (or maybe 4, or else 3). Mr. Alfred J. Duncan of Podunk, + Montana, submitted an interesting solution to Problem 5. +(6) There is an interesting solution to this problem on page 1029 of my + book, which you can pick up for $23.95 at finer bookstores and + bathroom supply outlets (or 99 cents at the table in front of + Papyrus Books). +% Answers to Last Fortunes' Questions: 1) None. (Moses didn't have an ark). 2) Your mother, by the pigeonhole principle. @@ -275,6 +459,65 @@ steel industries. book, which you can pick up for $23.95 at finer bookstores and bathroom supply outlets (or 99 cents at the table in front of Papyrus Books). % + DETERIORATA + +Go placidly amid the noise and waste, +And remember what comfort there may be in owning a piece thereof. +Avoid quiet and passive persons, unless you are in need of sleep. +Rotate your tires. +Speak glowingly of those greater than yourself, +And heed well their advice -- even though they be turkeys. +Know what to kiss -- and when. +Remember that two wrongs never make a right, +But that three do. +Wherever possible, put people on "HOLD". +Be comforted, that in the face of all aridity and disillusionment, +And despite the changing fortunes of time, +There is always a big future in computer maintenance. + + You are a fluke of the universe ... + You have no right to be here. + Whether you can hear it or not, the universe + Is laughing behind your back. + -- National Lampoon +% + Double Bucky + (Sung to the tune of "Rubber Duckie") + +Double bucky, you're the one! +You make my keyboard lots of fun + Double bucky, an additional bit or two: +(Vo-vo-de-o!) +Control and Meta side by side, +Augmented ASCII, nine bits wide! + Double bucky, a half a thousand glyphs, plus a few! + +Double bucky, left and right +OR'd together, outta sight! + Double bucky, I'd like a whole word of + Double bucky, I'm happy I heard of + Double bucky, I'd like a whole word of you! + + -- Guy L. Steele, Jr., (C) 1978 +% + Gimmie That Old Time Religion +We will follow Zarathustra, We will worship like the Druids, +Zarathustra like we use to, Dancing naked in the woods, +I'm a Zarathustra booster, Drinking strange fermented fluids, +And he's good enough for me! And it's good enough for me! + (chorus) (chorus) + +In the church of Aphrodite, +The priestess wears a see-through nightie, +She's a mighty righteous sightie, +And she's good enough for me! + (chorus) + +CHORUS: Give me that old time religion, + Give me that old time religion, + Give me that old time religion, + 'Cause it's good enough for me! +% Hard Copies and Chmod And everyone thinks computers are impersonal @@ -297,6 +540,17 @@ couldn't hurt me more if they were scented in lavender or mould on personal stationery -- terri@csd4.milw.wisc.edu % + MORE SPORTS RESULTS: +The Beverly Hills Freudians tied the Chicago Rogerians 0-0 last +Saturday night. The match started with a long period of silence while +the Freudians waited for the Rogerians to free associate and the +Rogerians waited for the Freudians to say something they could +paraphrase. The stalemate was broken when the Freudians' best player +took the offensive and interpreted the Rogerians' silence as reflecting +their anal-retentive personalities. At this the Rogerians' star player +said "I hear you saying you think we're full of ka-ka." This started a +fight and the match was called by officials. +% `O' LEVEL COUNTER CULTURE Timewarp allowed: 3 hours. Do not scrawl situationalist graffiti in the margins or stub your rollups in the inkwells. Orange may be worn. Credit @@ -316,6 +570,51 @@ ripoff merchants." Comment on this insult. up of western dualism? 7: Hermann Hesse was a Pisces. Discuss. % + OUTCONERR +Twas FORTRAN as the doloop goes + Did logzerneg the ifthen block +All kludgy were the function flows + And subroutines adhoc. + +Beware the runtime-bug my friend + squrooneg, the false goto +Beware the infiniteloop + And shun the inprectoo. +% + Safety Tips for the Post-Nuclear Existence + Tip #1: How to tell when you are dead. + +(1) Little things start bothering you: little things like worms, bugs, + ants. +(2) Something is missing in your personal relationships. +(3) Your dog becomes overly affectionate. +(4) You have a hard time getting a waiter. +(5) Exotic birds flock around you. +(6) People ignore you at parties. +(7) You have a hard time getting up in the morning. +(8) You no longer get off on cocaine. +% + Safety Tips for the Post-Nuclear Existence +(1) Never use an elevator in a building that has been hit by a nuclear + bomb; use the stairs. +(2) When you're flying through the air, remember to roll when you hit + the ground. +(3) If you're on fire, avoid gasoline and other flammable materials. +(4) Don't attempt communication with dead people; it will only lead to + psychological problems. +(5) Food will be scarce; you will have to scavenge. Learn to + recognize foods that will be available after the bomb: mashed + potatoes, shredded wheat, tossed salad, ground beef, etc. +(6) Put your hand over your mouth when you sneeze; internal organs + will be scarce in the post-nuclear age. +(7) Try to be neat; fall only in designated piles. +(8) Drive carefully in "Heavy Fallout" areas; people could be + staggering illegally. +(9) Nutritionally, hundred dollar bills are equal to ones, but more + sanitary due to limited circulation. +(10) Accumulate mannequins now; spare parts will be in short supply on + D-Day. +% The Guy on the Right Doesn't Stand a Chance The guy on the right has the Osborne 1, a fully functional computer system in a portable package the size of a briefcase. The guy on the left has an @@ -347,6 +646,57 @@ Call the devil and sell my soul, But Mama keep dem atoms whole! -- Milo Bloom % + The Three Major Kind of Tools + +* Tools for hitting things to make them loose or to tighten them up or + jar their many complex, sophisticated electrical parts in such a + manner that they function perfectly. (These are your hammers, maces, + bludgeons, and truncheons.) + +* Tools that, if dropped properly, can penetrate your foot. (Awls) + +* Tools that nobody should ever use because the potential danger is far + greater than the value of any project that could possibly result. + (Power saws, power drills, power staplers, any kind of tool that uses + any kind of power more advanced than flashlight batteries.) + -- Dave Barry, "The Taming of the Screw" +% + (to "The Caissons Go Rolling Along") +Scratch the disks, dump the core, Shut it down, pull the plug +Roll the tapes across the floor, Give the core an extra tug +And the system is going to crash. And the system is going to crash. +Teletypes smashed to bits. Mem'ry cards, one and all, +Give the scopes some nasty hits Toss out halfway down the hall +And the system is going to crash. And the system is going to crash. +And we've also found Just flip one switch +When you turn the power down, And the lights will cease to twitch +You turn the disk readers into trash. And the tape drives will crumble + in a flash. +Oh, it's so much fun, When the CPU +Now the CPU won't run Can print nothing out but "foo," +And the system is going to crash. The system is going to crash. +% + 'Twas the Night before Crisis + +'Twas the night before crisis, and all through the house, + Not a program was working not even a browse. +The programmers were wrung out too mindless to care, + Knowing chances of cutover hadn't a prayer. +The users were nestled all snug in their beds, + While visions of inquiries danced in their heads. +When out in the lobby there arose such a clatter, + I sprang from my tube to see what was the matter. +And what to my wondering eyes should appear, + But a Super Programmer, oblivious to fear. +More rapid than eagles, his programs they came, + And he whistled and shouted and called them by name; +On Update! On Add! On Inquiry! On Delete! + On Batch Jobs! On Closing! On Functions Complete! +His eyes were glazed over, his fingers were lean, + From Weekends and nights in front of a screen. +A wink of his eye, and a twist of his head, + Soon gave me to know I had nothing to dread... +% What I Did During My Fall Semester On the first day of my fall semester, I got up. Then I went to the library to find a thesis topic. @@ -363,6 +713,26 @@ I found a thesis topic: -- Sister Mary Elephant, "Student Statement for Black Friday" % + William Safire's Rules for Writers: + +Remember to never split an infinitive. The passive voice should never +be used. Do not put statements in the negative form. Verbs have to +agree with their subjects. Proofread carefully to see if you words +out. If you reread your work, you can find on rereading a great deal +of repetition can be avoided by rereading and editing. A writer must +not shift your point of view. And don't start a sentence with a +conjunction. (Remember, too, a preposition is a terrible word to end a +sentence with.) Don't overuse exclamation marks!! Place pronouns as +close as possible, especially in long sentences, as of 10 or more +words, to their antecedents. Writing carefully, dangling participles +must be avoided. If any word is improper at the end of a sentence, a +linking verb is. Take the bull by the hand and avoid mixing +metaphors. Avoid trendy locutions that sound flaky. Everyone should +be careful to use a singular pronoun with singular nouns in their +writing. Always pick on the correct idiom. The adverb always follows +the verb. Last but not least, avoid cliches like the plague; seek +viable alternatives. +% 1/2 /\(3) | 2 1/3 @@ -400,6 +770,25 @@ you should blame when you make a mistake. *** Our Slogan: Top down programming for the masses. *** % + A Plan for the Improvement of English Spelling + by Mark Twain + + For example, in Year 1 that useless letter "c" would be dropped +to be replased either by "k" or "s", and likewise "x" would no longer +be part of the alphabet. The only kase in which "c" would be retained +would be the "ch" formation, which will be dealt with later. Year 2 +might reform "w" spelling, so that "which" and "one" would take the +same konsonant, wile Year 3 might well abolish "y" replasing it with +"i" and Iear 4 might fiks the "g/j" anomali wonse and for all. + Jenerally, then, the improvement would kontinue iear bai iear +with Iear 5 doing awai with useless double konsonants, and Iears 6-12 +or so modifaiing vowlz and the rimeining voist and unvoist konsonants. +Bai Iear 15 or sou, it wud fainali bi posibl tu meik ius ov thi +ridandant letez "c", "y" and "x" -- bai now jast a memori in the maindz +ov ould doderez -- tu riplais "ch", "sh", and "th" rispektivli. + Fainali, xen, aafte sam 20 iers ov orxogrefkl riform, wi wud +hev a lojikl, kohirnt speling in ius xrewawt xe Ingliy-spiking werld. +% *** DO YOU HAVE A RESTLESS URGE TO PROGRAM? *** Do you want the instant respect that comes from being able to use technical terms that nobody understands? Do you want to strike fear and loathing into @@ -438,6 +827,29 @@ be eligible to win a possible chance to enter a drawing, the winner of which can vie for a set of free steak knives. If you don't do it now, you'll hate yourself in the morning. % + + *** System shutdown message from root *** + +System going down in 60 seconds + + +% + "... The name of the song is called 'Haddocks' Eyes'!" + "Oh, that's the name of the song, is it?" Alice said, trying to +feel interested. + "No, you don't understand," the Knight said, looking a little +vexed. "That's what the name is called. The name really is, 'The Aged +Aged Man.'" + "Then I ought to have said "That's what the song is called'?" +Alice corrected herself. + "No, you oughtn't: that's quite another thing! The song is +called 'Ways and Means': but that's only what it is called you know!" + "Well, what is the song then?" said Alice, who was by this time +completely bewildered. + "I was coming to that," the Knight said. "The song really is +"A-sitting on a Gate": and the tune's my own invention." + -- Lewis Carroll, "Through the Looking Glass" +% ... with liberty and justice for all who can afford it. % 12 + 144 + 20 + 3(4) 2 @@ -501,6 +913,25 @@ imitations?" A crow perched himself on a telephone wire. He was going to make a long-distance caw. % + A disciple of another sect once came to Drescher as he was +eating his morning meal. "I would like to give you this personality +test", said the outsider, "because I want you to be happy." + Drescher took the paper that was offered him and put it into +the toaster -- "I wish the toaster to be happy too". +% + A doctor, an architect, and a computer scientist were arguing +about whose profession was the oldest. In the course of their +arguments, they got all the way back to the Garden of Eden, whereupon +the doctor said, "The medical profession is clearly the oldest, because +Eve was made from Adam's rib, as the story goes, and that was a simply +incredible surgical feat." + The architect did not agree. He said, "But if you look at the +Garden itself, in the beginning there was chaos and void, and out of +that, the Garden and the world were created. So God must have been an +architect." + The computer scientist, who had listened to all of this said, +"Yes, but where do you think the chaos came from?" +% A farm in the country side had several turkeys, it was known as the house of seven gobbles. % @@ -635,6 +1066,22 @@ pilgrimage across the mountains to the temple of AI to seek out new disciples." Hearing this, the man was Enlightened. % + A man goes to a tailor to try on a new custom-made suit. The +first thing he notices is that the arms are too long. + "No problem," says the tailor. "Just bend them at the elbow +and hold them out in front of you. See, now it's fine." + "But the collar is up around my ears!" + "It's nothing. Just hunch your back up a little ... no, a +little more ... that's it." + "But I'm stepping on my cuffs!" the man cries in desperation. + "Nu, bend you knees a little to take up the slack. There you +go. Look in the mirror -- the suit fits perfectly." + So, twisted like a pretzel, the man lurches out onto the +street. Reba and Florence see him go by. + "Oh, look," says Reba, "that poor man!" + "Yes," says Florence, "but what a beautiful suit." + -- Arthur Naiman, "Every Goy's Guide to Yiddish" +% A man met a beautiful young woman in a bar. They got along well, shared dinner, and had a marvelous evening. When he left her, he told her that he had really enjoyed their time together, and hoped to see her again, @@ -743,6 +1190,24 @@ mysterious setting?" And suddenly the novice was enlightened. -- Geoffrey James, "The Tao of Programming" % + A master was explaining the nature of Tao to one of his +novices. "The Tao is embodied in all software -- regardless of how +insignificant," said the master. + + "Is Tao in a hand-held calculator?" asked the novice. + + "It is," came the reply. + + "Is the Tao in a video game?" continued the novice. + + "It is even in a video game," said the master. + + "And is the Tao in the DOS for a personal computer?" + + The master coughed and shifted his position slightly. "The +lesson is over for today," he said. + -- "The Tao of Programming" +% A MODERN FABLE Aesop's fables and other traditional children's stories involve allegory @@ -770,6 +1235,25 @@ MORAL OF THE STORY: Invest in foreign consumer electronics manufacturers. A musical reviewer admitted he always praised the first show of a new theatrical season. "Who am I to stone the first cast?" % + A musician of more ambition than talent composed an elegy at +the death of composer Edward MacDowell. She played the elegy for the +pianist Josef Hoffman, then asked his opinion. "Well, it's quite +nice," he replied, but don't you think it would be better if ..." + "If what?" asked the composer. + "If ... if you had died and MacDowell had written the elegy?" +% + A novel approach is to remove all power from the system, which +removes most system overhead so that resources can be fully devoted to +doing nothing. Benchmarks on this technique are promising; tremendous +amounts of nothing can be produced in this manner. Certain hardware +limitations can limit the speed of this method, especially in the +larger systems which require a more involved & less efficient +power-down sequence. + An alternate approach is to pull the main breaker for the +building, which seems to provide even more nothing, but in truth has +bugs in it, since it usually inhibits the systems which keep the beer +cool. +% A novice asked the Master: "Here is a programmer that never designs, documents, or tests his programs. Yet all who know him consider him one of the best programmers in the world. Why is this?" @@ -849,6 +1333,13 @@ went out to be killed? The Pole pulls a bottle of vodka from the other side of his jacket. He smiles and replies, "Five men on one bottle -- too many." % + A priest was walking along the cliffs at Dover when he came +upon two locals pulling another man ashore on the end of a rope. +"That's what I like to see", said the priest, "A man helping his fellow +man". + As he was walking away, one local remarked to the other, "Well, +he sure doesn't know the first thing about shark fishing." +% A program should be light and agile, its subroutines connected like a strings of pearls. The spirit and intent of the program should be retained throughout. There should be neither too little nor too much, neither needless @@ -1011,6 +1502,19 @@ his bowl and said, "My cereal's cold." after all these years, why have you waited so long to say something?". Shrugs the kid, "Everything's been okay 'til now". % + After his Ignoble Disgrace, Satan was being expelled from +Heaven. As he passed through the Gates, he paused a moment in thought, +and turned to God and said, "A new creature called Man, I hear, is soon +to be created." + "This is true," He replied. + "He will need laws," said the Demon slyly. + "What! You, his appointed Enemy for all Time! You ask for the +right to make his laws?" + "Oh, no!" Satan replied, "I ask only that he be allowed to +make his own." + It was so granted. + -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary" +% After sifting through the overwritten remaining blocks of Luke's home directory, Luke and PDP-1 sped away from /u/lars, across the surface of the Winchester riding Luke's flying read/write head. PDP-1 had Luke stop at the @@ -1089,6 +1593,24 @@ impressed and they cheer again. The Russian astronaut stomps out, clenches the podium until his knuckles turn white, glares at the first row and screams: "Anybody got a match?" % + An architect's first work is apt to be spare and clean. He +knows he doesn't know what he's doing, so he does it carefully and with +great restraint. + As he designs the first work, frill after frill and +embellishment after embellishment occur to him. These get stored away +to be used "next time". Sooner or later the first system is finished, +and the architect, with firm confidence and a demonstrated mastery of +that class of systems, is ready to build a second system. + This second is the most dangerous system a man ever designs. +When he does his third and later ones, his prior experiences will +confirm each other as to the general characteristics of such systems, +and their differences will identify those parts of his experience that +are particular and not generalizable. + The general tendency is to over-design the second system, using +all the ideas and frills that were cautiously sidetracked on the first +one. The result, as Ovid says, is a "big pile". + -- Frederick Brooks, "The Mythical Man Month" +% An eighty-year-old woman is rocking away the afternoon on her porch when she sees an old, tarnished lamp sitting near the steps. She picks it up, rubs it gently, and lo and behold a genie appears! The genie @@ -1134,11 +1656,21 @@ over canoe frames, for my people need transportation. We are a fair people, and we offer you a chance to kill yourself with our ceremonial knife." The Englishman accepts the knife and yells, "God Save the Queen", while plunging the knife into his heart. - The Frenchman removes the knife from the fallen body, and yells, + The Frenchman removes the knife from the fallen body, and yells, "Vive la France", while plunging the knife into his heart. The American removes the knife from the fallen body, and yells, while stabbing himself all over his body, "Here's your lousy canoe!" % + An old Jewish man reads about Einstein's theory of relativity +in the newspaper and asks his scientist grandson to explain it to him. + "Well, zayda, it's sort of like this. Einstein says that if +you're having your teeth drilled without Novocain, a minute seems like +an hour. But if you're sitting with a beautiful woman on your lap, an +hour seems like a minute." + The old man considers this profound bit of thinking for a +moment and says, "And from this he makes a living?" + -- Arthur Naiman, "Every Goy's Guide to Yiddish" +% An older student came to Otis and said, "I have been to see a great number of teachers and I have given up a great number of pleasures. I have fasted, been celibate and stayed awake nights seeking enlightenment. @@ -1163,6 +1695,10 @@ Grenade of Antioch towards thy foe, who being naught in my sight, shall snuff it. -- Monty Python, "The Book of Armaments" % + "And what will you do when you grow up to be as big as me?" +asked the father of his little son. + "Diet." +% "Anything else, sir?" asked the attentive bellhop, trying his best to make the lady and gentleman comfortable in their penthouse suite in the posh hotel. @@ -1215,6 +1751,20 @@ Rather, if the driver makes any mistake, a giant "?" lights up in the center of the dashboard. "The experienced driver", he says, "will usually know what's wrong." % + Before he became a hermit, Zarathud was a young Priest, and +took great delight in making fools of his opponents in front of his +followers. + One day Zarathud took his students to a pleasant pasture and +there he confronted The Sacred Chao while She was contentedly grazing. + "Tell me, you dumb beast," demanded the Priest in his +commanding voice, "why don't you do something worthwhile? What is your +Purpose in Life, anyway?" + Munching the tasty grass, The Sacred Chao replied "MU". (The +Chinese ideogram for NO-THING.) + Upon hearing this, absolutely nobody was enlightened. + Primarily because nobody understood Chinese. + -- Camden Benares, "Zen Without Zen Masters" +% Bubba, Jim Bob, and Leroy were fishing out on the lake last November, and, when Bubba tipped his head back to empty the Jim Beam, he fell out of the boat into the lake. Jim Bob and Leroy pulled him back in, but as Bubba didn't @@ -1272,6 +1822,14 @@ Due to the convergence of forces beyond his comprehension, Salvatore Quanucci was suddenly squirted out of the universe like a watermelon seed, and never heard from again. % + COMMENT + +Oh, life is a glorious cycle of song, +A medley of extemporanea; +And love is thing that can never go wrong; +And I am Marie of Roumania. + -- Dorothy Parker +% Concerning the war in Vietnam, Senator George Aiken of Vermont noted in January, 1966, "I'm not very keen for doves or hawks. I think we need more owls." @@ -1347,6 +1905,19 @@ I've always been especially fond of married women." Boola boola Pensacoola hullabaloo! -- Pogo, "Deck Us All With Boston Charlie" % + Deck Us All With Boston Charlie + +Deck us all with Boston Charlie, +Walla Walla, Wash., an' Kalamazoo! +Nora's freezin' on the trolley, +Swaller dollar cauliflower, alleygaroo! + +Don't we know archaic barrel, +Lullaby Lilla Boy, Louisville Lou. +Trolley Molly don't love Harold, +Boola boola Pensacoola hullabaloo! + -- Walt Kelly +% Does anyone know how to get chocolate syrup and honey out of a white electric blanket? I'm afraid to wash it in the machine. @@ -1392,6 +1963,27 @@ hit my wife." "Did I?" cried one hunter, aghast. "Terribly sorry. Have a shot at mine, over there." % + During a grouse hunt in North Carolina two intrepid sportsmen +were blasting away at a clump of trees near a stone wall. Suddenly a +red-faced country squire popped his head over the wall and shouted, +"Hey, you almost hit my wife." + "Did I?" cried the hunter, aghast. "Terribly sorry. Have a +shot at mine, over there." +% + Electricity is actually made up of extremely tiny particles, +called electrons, that you cannot see with the naked eye unless you +have been drinking. Electrons travel at the speed of light, which in +most American homes is 110 volts per hour. This is very fast. In the +time it has taken you to read this sentence so far, an electron could +have traveled all the way from San Francisco to Hackensack, New Jersey, +although God alone knows why it would want to. + The five main kinds of electricity are alternating current, +direct current, lightning, static, and European. Most American homes +have alternating current, which means that the electricity goes in one +direction for a while, then goes in the other direction. This prevents +harmful electron buildup in the wires. + -- Dave Barry, "The Taming of the Screw" +% Eugene d'Albert, a noted German composer, was married six times. At an evening reception which he attended with his fifth wife shortly after their wedding, he presented the lady to a friend who said politely, @@ -1418,6 +2010,14 @@ this morning and in so doing I glanced at my own reflection. Really now, they don't even make good mirrors like they used to. Sandy Frazier, "I Have Noticed" % + Excellence is THE trend of the '80s. Walk into any shopping +mall bookstore, go to the rack where they keep the best-sellers such as +"Garfield Gets Spayed", and you'll see a half-dozen books telling you +how to be excellent: "In Search of Excellence", "Finding Excellence", +"Grasping Hold of Excellence", "Where to Hide Your Excellence at Night +So the Cleaning Personnel Don't Steal It", etc. + -- Dave Barry, "In Search of Excellence" +% Exxon's "Universe of Energy" tends to the peculiar rather than the humorous ... After [an incomprehensible film montage about wind and sun and rain and strip mines and] two or three minutes of mechanical confusion, the @@ -1432,6 +2032,43 @@ but the import seems to be that dinosaurs don't have anything to do with energy policy and neither do you." -- P. J. O'Rourke, "Holidays in Hell" % + Festivity Level 1: Your guests are chatting amiably with each +other, admiring your Christmas-tree ornaments, singing carols around +the upright piano, sipping at their drinks and nibbling hors +d'oeuvres. + Festivity Level 2: Your guests are talking loudly -- sometimes +to each other, and sometimes to nobody at all, rearranging your +Christmas-tree ornaments, singing "I Gotta Be Me" around the upright +piano, gulping their drinks and wolfing down hors d'oeuvres. + Festivity Level 3: Your guests are arguing violently with +inanimate objects, singing "I can't get no satisfaction," gulping down +other peoples' drinks, wolfing down Christmas tree ornaments and +placing hors d'oeuvres in the upright piano to see what happens when +the little hammers strike. + Festivity Level 4: Your guests, hors d'oeuvres smeared all over +their naked bodies are performing a ritual dance around the burning +Christmas tree. The piano is missing. + + You want to keep your party somewhere around level 3, unless +you rent your home and own Firearms, in which case you can go to level +4. The best way to get to level 3 is egg-nog. +% + FIGHTING WORDS + +Say my love is easy had, + Say I'm bitten raw with pride, +Say I am too often sad -- + Still behold me at your side. + +Say I'm neither brave nor young, + Say I woo and coddle care, +Say the devil touched my tongue -- + Still you have my heart to wear. + +But say my verses do not scan, + And I get me another man! + -- Dorothy Parker +% For example, in Year 1 that useless letter "c" would be dropped to be replased either by "k" or "s", and likewise "x" would no longer be part of the alphabet. The only kase in which "c" would be retained would be the "ch" @@ -1448,6 +2085,13 @@ riplais "ch", "sh", and "th" rispektivli. Fainali, xen, aafte sam 20 iers ov orxogrefkl riform, wi wud hev a lojikl, kohirnt speling in ius xrewawt xe Ingliy-spiking werld. % + "For I perceive that behind this seemingly unrelated sequence +of events, there lurks a singular, sinister attitude of mind." + + "Whose?" + + "MINE! HA-HA!" +% "Found it," the Mouse replied rather crossly: "of course you know what `it' means." @@ -1495,6 +2139,12 @@ and sarcastic?" "Of course not," said a sympathetic friend. "Well," retorted Frank, "neither would Jennifer." % + "Gee, Mudhead, everyone at Morse Science High has an +extracurricular activity except you." + "Well, gee, doesn't Louise count?" + "Only to ten, Mudhead." + -- The Firesign Theatre +% "Gentlemen of the jury," said the defense attorney, now beginning to warm to his summation, "the real question here before you is, shall this beautiful young woman be forced to languish away her loveliest years in a @@ -1522,6 +2172,16 @@ denigrating to the political consensus of the moment. Thank you and good luck. -- Doonesbury, the University Chancellor's graduation speech % + GREAT MOMENTS IN AMERICAN HISTORY #21 -- July 30, 1917 + +On this day, New York City hotel detectives burst in and caught then- +Senator Warren G. Harding in bed with an underage girl. He bought them +off with a $20 bribe, and later remarked thankfully, "I thought I +wouldn't get out of that under $1000!" Always one to learn from his +mistakes, in later years President Harding carried on his affairs in a +tiny closet in the White House Cabinet Room while Secret Service men +stood lookout. +% Hack placidly amidst the noisy printers and remember what prizes there may be in Science. As fast as possible get a good terminal on a good system. Enter your data clearly but always encrypt your results. And listen to others, @@ -1634,6 +2294,37 @@ on the safe side." to a dead cat, do you?" -- Monty Python % + Here is the fact of the week, maybe even the fact of the +month. According to probably reliable sources, the Coca-Cola people +are experiencing severe marketing anxiety in China. + The words "Coca-Cola" translate into Chinese as either +(depending on the inflection) "wax-fattened mare" or "bite the wax +tadpole". + Bite the wax tadpole. + There is a sort of rough justice, is there not? + The trouble with this fact, as lovely as it is, is that it's +hard to get a whole column out of it. I'd like to teach the world to +bite a wax tadpole. Coke -- it's the real wax-fattened mare. Not bad, +but broad satiric vistas do not open up. + -- John Carrol, San Francisco Chronicle +% + Home centers are designed for the do-it-yourselfer who's +willing to pay higher prices for the convenience of being able to shop +for lumber, hardware, and toasters all in one location. Notice I say +"shop for", as opposed to "obtain". This is the major drawback of home +centers: they are always out of everything except artificial Christmas +trees. The home center employees have no time to reorder merchandise +because they are too busy applying little price stickers to every +object -- every board, washer, nail and screw -- in the entire store ... + Let's say a piece in your toilet tank breaks, so you remove the +broken part, take it to the home center, and ask an employee if he has +a replacement. The employee, who has never is his life even seen the +inside of a toilet tank, will peer at the broken part in very much the +same way that a member of a primitive Amazon jungle tribe would look at +an electronic calculator, and then say, "We're expecting a shipment of +these sometime around the middle of next week". + -- Dave Barry, "The Taming of the Screw" +% "How did you spend the weekend?" asked the pretty brunette secretary of her blonde companion. "Fishing through the ice," she replied. @@ -1643,6 +2334,12 @@ of her blonde companion. "How many people work here?" "Oh, about half." % + How many seconds are there in a year? If I tell you there are +3.155 x 10^7, you won't even try to remember it. On the other hand, +who could forget that, to within half a percent, pi seconds is a +nanocentury. + -- Tom Duff, Bell Labs +% "How would I know if I believe in love at first sight?" the sexy social climber said to her roommate. "I mean, I've never seen a Porsche full of money before." @@ -1652,11 +2349,54 @@ full of money before." "Didn't you see it?" "Damn kid had it under his coat." % + Hug O' War + +I will not play at tug o' war. +I'd rather play at hug o' war, +Where everyone hugs +Instead of tugs, +Where everyone giggles +And rolls on the rug, +Where everyone kisses, +And everyone grins, +And everyone cuddles, +And everyone wins. + -- Shel Silverstein +% + Human thinking can skip over a great deal, leap over small +misunderstandings, can contain ifs and buts in untroubled corners of +the mind. But the machine has no corners. Despite all the attempts to +see the computer as a brain, the machine has no foreground or +background. It can be programmed to behave as if it were working with +uncertainty, but -- underneath, at the code, at the circuits -- it +cannot simultaneously do something and withhold for later something that +remains unknown. In the painstaking working out of the specification, +line by code line, the programmer confronts an awful, inevitable truth: +The ways of human and machine understanding are disjunct. + -- Ellen Ullman, "Close to the Machine" +% "I believe you have the wrong number," said the old gentleman into the phone. "You'll have to call the weather bureau for that information." "Who was that?" his young wife asked. "Some guy wanting to know if the coast was clear." % + "I cannot read the fiery letters," said Frito Bugger in a +quavering voice. + "No," said GoodGulf, "but I can. The letters are Elvish, of +course, of an ancient mode, but the language is that of Mordor, which +I will not utter here. They are lines of a verse long known in +Elven-lore: + + "This Ring, no other, is made by the elves, + Who'd pawn their own mother to grab it themselves. + Ruler of creeper, mortal, and scallop, + This is a sleeper that packs quite a wallop. + The Power almighty rests in this Lone Ring. + The Power, alrighty, for doing your Own Thing. + If broken or busted, it cannot be remade. + If found, send to Sorhed (with postage prepaid)." + -- Harvard Lampoon, "Bored of the Rings" +% I did some heavy research so as to be prepared for "Mommy, why is the sky blue?" HE asked me about black holes in space. @@ -1680,6 +2420,42 @@ the graphics. (Gotcha!) -- Betty LiBrizzi, "The Care and Feeding of a Gifted Child" % + I disapprove of the F-word, not because it's dirty, but because +we use it as a substitute for thoughtful insults, and it frequently +leads to violence. What we ought to do, when we anger each other, say, +in traffic, is exchange phone numbers, so that later on, when we've had +time to think of witty and learned insults or look them up in the +library, we could call each other up: + + You: Hello? Bob? + Bob: Yes? + You: This is Ed. Remember? The person whose parking space you + took last Thursday? Outside of Sears? + Bob: Oh yes! Sure! How are you, Ed? + You: Fine, thanks. Listen, Bob, the reason I'm calling is: + "Madam, you may be drunk, but I am ugly, and ..." No, wait. + I mean: "you may be ugly, but I am Winston Churchill + and ..." No, wait. (Sound of reference book thudding onto + the floor.) S-word. Excuse me. Look, Bob, I'm going to + have to get back to you. + Bob: Fine. + -- Dave Barry, "$#$%#^%!^%&@%@!" +% + "I don't know what you mean by `glory,'" Alice said + Humpty Dumpty smiled contemptuously. "Of course you don't -- +till I tell you. I meant `there's a nice knock-down argument for +you!'" + "But glory doesn't mean `a nice knock-down argument,'" Alice +objected. + "When I use a word," Humpty Dumpty said, in a rather scornful +tone, "it means just what I choose it to mean -- neither more nor +less." + "The question is," said Alice, "whether you can make words mean +so many different things." + "The question is," said Humpty Dumpty, "which is to be master-- +that's all." + -- Lewis Carroll, "Through the Looking Glass" +% "I have examined Bogota," he said, "and the case is clearer to me. I think very probably he might be cured." "That is what I have always hoped," said old Yacob. @@ -1765,6 +2541,14 @@ explain my tendency to scream, "Here come the Martians! Hide the eggs!" every time I have pork. But I digress. The fact remains that I cannot rationally deal with yams, and pigs are terrible conversationalists. % + "I quite agree with you," said the Duchess; "and the moral of +that is -- `Be what you would seem to be' -- or, if you'd like it put +more simply -- `Never imagine yourself not to be otherwise than what it +might appear to others that what you were or might have been was not +otherwise than what you had been would have appeared to them to be +otherwise.'" + -- Lewis Carroll, "Alice in Wonderland" +% I went into a bar feeling a little depressed, the bartender said, "What'll you have, Bud"? I said," I don't know, surprise me". @@ -1808,6 +2592,24 @@ again. How can you pilot a spacecraft if you can't find your way around your own apartment? -- William S. Burroughs % + If you're like most homeowners, you're afraid that many repairs +around your home are too difficult to tackle. So, when your furnace +explodes, you call in a so-called professional to fix it. The +"professional" arrives in a truck with lettering on the sides and +deposits a large quantity of tools and two assistants who spend the +better part of the week in your basement whacking objects at random +with heavy wrenches, after which the "professional" returns and gives +you a bill for slightly more money than it would cost you to run a +successful campaign for the U.S. Senate. + And that's why you've decided to start doing things yourself. +You figure, "If those guys can fix my furnace, then so can I. How +difficult can it be?" + Very difficult. In fact, most home projects are impossible, +which is why you should do them yourself. There is no point in paying +other people to screw things up when you can easily screw them up +yourself for far less money. This article can help you. + -- Dave Barry, "The Taming of the Screw" +% "I'll tell you what I know, then," he decided. "The pin I'm wearing means I'm a member of the IA. That's Inamorati Anonymous. An inamorato is somebody in love. That's the worst addiction of all." @@ -1840,6 +2642,28 @@ pages with an index number and the single line "This page intentionally left blank." -- Alex Crain % + In a forest a fox bumps into a little rabbit, and says, "Hi, +junior, what are you up to?" + "I'm writing a dissertation on how rabbits eat foxes," said the +rabbit. + "Come now, friend rabbit, you know that's impossible! No one +will publish such rubbish!" + "Well, follow me and I'll show you." They both go into the +rabbit's dwelling and after a while the rabbit emerges with a satisfied +expression on his face. + Comes along a wolf. "Hello, what are we doing these days?" + "I'm writing the second chapter of my thesis, on how rabbits +devour wolves." + "Are you crazy? Where is your academic honesty?" + "Come with me and I'll show you." As before, the rabbit comes +out with a satisfied look on his face and a diploma in his paw. +Finally, the camera pans into the rabbit's cave and, as everybody +should have guessed by now, we see a mean-looking, huge lion sitting +next to some bloody and furry remnants of the wolf and the fox. + +The moral: It's not the contents of your thesis that are important -- +it's your PhD advisor that really counts. +% In "King Henry VI, Part II," Shakespeare has Dick Butcher suggest to his fellow anti-establishment rabble-rousers, "The first thing we do, let's kill all the lawyers." That action may be extreme but a similar sentiment @@ -1987,6 +2811,19 @@ receiving as much as it is possible for you to receive of this thing, and which may in some way be influenced by this ceremony. Amen. % + INVENTORY +Four be the things I am wiser to know: +Idleness, sorrow, a friend, and a foe. + +Four be the things I'd been better without: +Love, curiosity, freckles, and doubt. + +Three be the things I shall never attain: +Envy, content, and sufficient champagne. + +Three be the things I shall have till I die: +Laughter and hope and a sock in the eye. +% It appears that after his death, Albert Einstein found himself working as the doorkeeper at the Pearly Gates. One slow day, he found that he had time to chat with the new entrants. To the first one @@ -2096,6 +2933,16 @@ really needed in the first place. analogous to the above. -- K. E. Iverson, on the Leaning Tower of Pisa % + It was the next morning that the armies of Twodor marched east +laden with long lances, sharp swords, and death-dealing hangovers. The +thousands were led by Arrowroot, who sat limply in his sidesaddle, +nursing a whopper. Goodgulf, Gimlet, and the rest rode by him, praying +for their fate to be quick, painless, and if possible, someone else's. + Many an hour the armies forged ahead, the war-merinos bleating +under their heavy burdens and the soldiers bleating under their melting +icepacks. + -- The Harvard Lampoon, "Bored of the Rings" +% Jacek, a Polish schoolboy, is told by his teacher that he has been chosen to carry the Polish flag in the May Day parade. "Why me?" whines the boy. "Three years ago I carried the flag @@ -2152,6 +2999,28 @@ back, every time, into a dying hunk of smelly meat! But We can live forever, in a clean, honest, purified, Electroworld. -- Thomas Pynchon, "Gravity's Rainbow" % + Long ago, in a finite state far away, there lived a JOVIAL +character named Jack. Jack and his relations were poor. Often their +hash table was bare. One day Jack's parent said to him, "Our matrices +are sparse. You must go to the market to exchange our RAM for some +BASICs." She compiled a linked list of items to retrieve and passed it +to him. + So Jack set out. But as he was walking along a Hamilton path, +he met the traveling salesman. + "Whither dost thy flow chart take thou?" prompted the salesman +in high-level language. + "I'm going to the market to exchange this RAM for some chips +and Apples," commented Jack. + "I have a much better algorithm. You needn't join a queue +there; I will swap your RAM for these magic kernels now." + Jack made the trade, then backtracked to his house. But when +he told his busy-waiting parent of the deal, she became so angry she +started thrashing. + "Don't you even have any artificial intelligence? All these +kernels together hardly make up one byte," and she popped them out the +window ... + -- Mark Isaak, "Jack and the Beanstack" +% Looking for a cool one after a long, dusty ride, the drifter strode into the saloon. As he made his way through the crowd to the bar, a man galloped through town screaming, "Big Mike's comin'! Run fer yer lives!" @@ -2167,6 +3036,17 @@ smacked his lips with relish. "Naw, I gotta git outta here, boy," the man grunted. "Big Mike's a-comin'." % + Love's Drug + +My love is like an iron wand + That conks me on the head, +My love is like the valium + That I take before my bed, +My love is like the pint of scotch + That I drink when I be dry; +And I shall love thee still, my dear, + Until my wife is wise. +% Max told his friend that he'd just as soon not go hiking in the hills. Said he, "I'm an anti-climb Max." % @@ -2241,6 +3121,26 @@ plastic. The accompanying letter said: "We don't know why you want 1.5 per cent defective parts, but for your convenience, we've packed them separately." -- Excerpted from an article in The (Toronto) Globe and Mail % + Murray and Esther, a middle-aged Jewish couple, are touring +Chile. Murray just got a new camera and is constantly snapping +pictures. One day, without knowing it, he photographs a top-secret +military installation. In an instant, armed troops surround Murray and +Esther and hustle them off to prison. + They can't prove who they are because they've left their +passports in their hotel room. For three weeks they're tortured day +and night to get them to name their contacts in the liberation +movement... Finally they're hauled in front of a military court, +charged with espionage, and sentenced to death. + The next morning they're lined up in front of the wall where +they'll be shot. The sergeant in charge of the firing squad asks them +if they have any last requests. Esther wants to know if she can call +her daughter in Chicago. The sergeant says he's sorry, that's not +possible, and turns to Murray. + "This is crazy!" Murray shouts. "We're not spies!" And he +spits in the sergeants face. + "Murray!" Esther cries. "Please! Don't make trouble." + -- Arthur Naiman, "Every Goy's Guide to Yiddish" +% My friends, I am here to tell you of the wondrous continent known as Africa. Well we left New York drunk and early on the morning of February 31. We were 15 days on the water, and 3 on the boat when we finally arrived in @@ -2339,6 +3239,10 @@ can't." "You do," Grandfather Trout said. "And you don't understand." -- Little, Big, "John Crowley" % + No violence, gentlemen -- no violence, I beg of you! Consider +the furniture! + -- Sherlock Holmes +% Now she speaks rapidly. "Do you know *why* you want to program?" He shakes his head. He hasn't the faintest idea. "For the sheer *joy* of programming!" she cries triumphantly. @@ -2355,6 +3259,24 @@ stand alone -- proud, powerful, and perfect. This is the programmer's finest hour!" Softly at first, then louder, he hears the strains of a Sousa march. "This ... this is your canvas! your clay! Go forth and create a masterwork!" % + Now, you might ask, "How do I get one of those complete home +tool sets for under $4?" An excellent question. + Go to one of those really cheap discount stores where they sell +plastic furniture in colors visible from the planet Neptune and where +they have a food section specializing in cardboard cartons full of +Raisinets and malted milk balls manufactured during the Nixon +administration. In either the hardware or housewares department, +you'll find an item imported from an obscure Oriental country and +described as "Nine Tools in One", consisting of a little handle with +interchangeable ends representing inscrutable Oriental notions of tools +that Americans might use around the home. Buy it. + This is the kind of tool set professionals use. Not only is it +inexpensive, but it also has a great safety feature not found in the +so-called quality tools sets: The handle will actually break right off +if you accidentally hit yourself or anything else, or expose it to +direct sunlight. + -- Dave Barry, "The Taming of the Screw" +% Obviously the subject of death was in the air, but more as something to be avoided than harped upon. Possibly the horror that Zaphod experienced at the prospect of being @@ -2382,6 +3304,16 @@ complimented the old-timer for his story. "You did wonderfully," he said, "No sir," exclaimed the senior, "but I sure was afraid that durned lawyer was gonna ask me if my lantern was lit." % + On his first day as a bus driver, Maxey Eckstein handed in +receipts of $65. The next day his take was $67. The third day's +income was $62. But on the fourth day, Eckstein emptied no less than +$283 on the desk before the cashier. + "Eckstein!" exclaimed the cashier. "This is fantastic. That +route never brought in money like this! What happened?" + "Well, after three days on that cockamamie route, I figured +business would never improve, so I drove over to Fourteenth Street and +worked there. I tell you, that street is a gold mine!" +% On the day of his anniversary, Joe was frantically shopping around for a present for his wife. He knew what she wanted, a grandfather clock for the living room, but he found the right one @@ -2495,6 +3427,29 @@ Our true work is this voyage, this adventure. rocks, making legends of a Saviour. -- Richard Bach % + Once there lived a village of creatures along the bottom of a +great crystal river. Each creature in its own manner clung tightly to +the twigs and rocks of the river bottom, for clinging was their way of +life, and resisting the current what each had learned from birth. But +one creature said at last, "I trust that the current knows where it is +going. I shall let go, and let it take me where it will. Clinging, I +shall die of boredom." + The other creatures laughed and said, "Fool! Let go, and that +current you worship will throw you tumbled and smashed across the +rocks, and you will die quicker than boredom!" + But the one heeded them not, and taking a breath did let go, +and at once was tumbled and smashed by the current across the rocks. +Yet, in time, as the creature refused to cling again, the current +lifted him free from the bottom, and he was bruised and hurt no more. + And the creatures downstream, to whom he was a stranger, cried, +"See a miracle! A creature like ourselves, yet he flies! See the +Messiah, come to save us all!" And the one carried in the current +said, "I am no more Messiah than you. The river delight to lift us +free, if only we dare let go. Our true work is this voyage, this +adventure. + But they cried the more, "Saviour!" all the while clinging to +the rocks, making legends of a Saviour. +% Once there was a marine biologist who loved dolphins. He spent his time trying to feed and protect his beloved creatures of the sea. One day, in a fit of inventive genius, he came up with a serum that would make @@ -2678,6 +3633,27 @@ is it's simple; and the beauty of VMS is that it's all there. [It's been argued that the beauty of UNIX is the same as the beauty of Ken Olsen's brain. Ed.] % + One of the questions that comes up all the time is: How +enthusiastic is our support for UNIX? + Unix was written on our machines and for our machines many +years ago. Today, much of UNIX being done is done on our machines. +Ten percent of our VAXs are going for UNIX use. UNIX is a simple +language, easy to understand, easy to get started with. It's great for +students, great for somewhat casual users, and it's great for +interchanging programs between different machines. And so, because of +its popularity in these markets, we support it. We have good UNIX on +VAX and good UNIX on PDP-11s. + It is our belief, however, that serious professional users will +run out of things they can do with UNIX. They'll want a real system and +will end up doing VMS when they get to be serious about programming. + With UNIX, if you're looking for something, you can easily and +quickly check that small manual and find out that it's not there. With +VMS, no matter what you look for -- it's literally a five-foot shelf of +documentation -- if you look long enough it's there. That's the +difference -- the beauty of UNIX is it's simple; and the beauty of VMS +is that it's all there. + -- Ken Olsen, President of DEC, 1984 +% page 46 ...a report citing a study by Dr. Thomas C. Chalmers, of the Mount Sinai Medical Center in New York, which compared two groups that were being used @@ -2748,6 +3724,20 @@ Cobb said, hopping out. (5) Punishment for the Innocent. (6) Distinction for the Uninvolved. % + Plumbing is one of the easier of do-it-yourself activities, +requiring only a few simple tools and a willingness to stick your arm +into a clogged toilet. In fact, you can solve many home plumbing +problems, such as annoying faucet drip, merely by turning up the +radio. But before we get into specific techniques, let's look at how +plumbing works. + A plumbing system is very much like your electrical system, +except that instead of electricity, it has water, and instead of wires, +it has pipes, and instead of radios and waffle irons, it has faucets +and toilets. So the truth is that your plumbing systems is nothing at +all like your electrical system, which is good, because electricity can +kill you. + -- Dave Barry, "The Taming of the Screw" +% Price Wang's programmer was coding software. His fingers danced upon the keyboard. The program compiled without an error message, and the program ran like a gentle wind. @@ -2766,6 +3756,13 @@ eyes for a moment and then log off." Price Wang said, "Would that all of my programmers were as wise!" -- Geoffrey James, "The Tao of Programming" % + "Reflections on Ice-Breaking" +Candy +Is dandy +But liquor +Is quicker. + -- Ogden Nash +% Reporters like Bill Greider from the Washington Post and Him Naughton of the New York Times, for instance, had to file long, detailed, and relatively complex stories every day -- while my own deadline fell @@ -2869,6 +3866,17 @@ respectfully when that funeral went by," the friend replied. "Oh, yes," said George. "Well, we were married 17 years, you know." % + "Seven years and six months!" Humpty Dumpty repeated +thoughtfully. "An uncomfortable sort of age. Now if you'd asked MY +advice, I'd have said `Leave off at seven' -- but it's too late now." + "I never ask advice about growing," Alice said indignantly. + "Too proud?" the other enquired. + Alice felt even more indignant at this suggestion. "I mean," +she said, "that one can't help growing older." + "ONE can't, perhaps," said Humpty Dumpty; "but TWO can. With +proper assistance, you might have left off at seven." + -- Lewis Carroll, "Through the Looking-Glass" +% Several students were asked to prove that all odd integers are prime. The first student to try to do this was a math student. "Hmmm... Well, 1 is prime, 3 is prime, 5 is prime, and by induction, we have that all @@ -2896,6 +3904,27 @@ paper boots." "What's he wanted for?" "Rustling." % + So Richard and I decided to try to catch [the small shark]. +With a great deal of strategy and effort and shouting, we managed to +maneuver the shark, over the course of about a half-hour, to a sort of +corner of the lagoon, so that it had no way to escape other than to +flop up onto the land and evolve. Richard and I were inching toward +it, sort of crouched over, when all of a sudden it turned around and -- +I can still remember the sensation I felt at that moment, primarily in +the armpit area -- headed right straight toward us. + Many people would have panicked at this point. But Richard and +I were not "many people." We were experienced waders, and we kept our +heads. We did exactly what the textbook says you should do when you're +unarmed and a shark that is nearly two feet long turns on you in water +up to your lower calves: We sprinted I would say 600 yards in the +opposite direction, using a sprinting style such that the bottoms of +our feet never once went below the surface of the water. We ran all +the way to the far shore, and if we had been in a Warner Brothers +cartoon we would have run right INTO the beach, and you would have seen +these two mounds of sand racing across the island until they bonked +into trees and coconuts fell onto their heads. + -- Dave Barry, "The Wonders of Sharks on TV" +% Some 1500 miles west of the Big Apple we find the Minneapple, a haven of tranquility in troubled times. It's a good town, a civilized town. A town where they still know how to get your shirts back by Thursday. Let @@ -3089,6 +4118,29 @@ mysterious B-1 crash. A strange smell in the fuel lines. It smelled like coffee. Smooth and full bodied... -- Another Episode of General's Hospital % + "The Good Ship Enterprise" (to the tune of "The Good Ship Lollipop") + +On the good ship Enterprise +Every week there's a new surprise +Where the Romulans lurk +And the Klingons often go berserk. + +Yes, the good ship Enterprise +There's excitement anywhere it flies +Where Tribbles play +And Nurse Chapel never gets her way. + + See Captain Kirk standing on the bridge, + Mr. Spock is at his side. + The weekly menace, ooh-ooh + It gets fried, scattered far and wide. + +It's the good ship Enterprise +Heading out where danger lies +And you live in dread +If you're wearing a shirt that's red. + -- Doris Robin and Karen Trimble of The L.A. Filkharmonics +% The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy has a few things to say on the subject of towels. A towel, it says, is about the most massively useful thing an @@ -3127,6 +4179,118 @@ shot the horse between the eyes. married! You're a sadist, that's what!" The groom turned to her coolly. "That's one," he said. % + THE LESSER-KNOWN PROGRAMMING LANGUAGES #10: SIMPLE + +SIMPLE is an acronym for Sheer Idiot's Monopurpose Programming Language +Environment. This language, developed at the Hanover College for +Technological Misfits, was designed to make it impossible to write code +with errors in it. The statements are, therefore, confined to BEGIN, +END and STOP. No matter how you arrange the statements, you can't make +a syntax error. Programs written in SIMPLE do nothing useful. Thus +they achieve the results of programs written in other languages without +the tedious, frustrating process of testing and debugging. +% + THE LESSER-KNOWN PROGRAMMING LANGUAGES #12: LITHP + +This otherwise unremarkable language is distinguished by the absence of +an "S" in its character set; users must substitute "TH". LITHP is said +to be useful in protheththing lithtth. +% + THE LESSER-KNOWN PROGRAMMING LANGUAGES #13: SLOBOL + +SLOBOL is best known for the speed, or lack of it, of its compiler. +Although many compilers allow you to take a coffee break while they +compile, SLOBOL compilers allow you to travel to Bolivia to pick the +coffee. Forty-three programmers are known to have died of boredom +sitting at their terminals while waiting for a SLOBOL program to +compile. Weary SLOBOL programmers often turn to a related (but +infinitely faster) language, COCAINE. +% + THE LESSER-KNOWN PROGRAMMING LANGUAGES #17: SARTRE + +Named after the late existential philosopher, SARTRE is an extremely +unstructured language. Statements in SARTRE have no purpose; they just +are. Thus SARTRE programs are left to define their own functions. +SARTRE programmers tend to be boring and depressed, and are no fun at +parties. +% + THE LESSER-KNOWN PROGRAMMING LANGUAGES #18: C- + +This language was named for the grade received by its creator when he +submitted it as a class project in a graduate programming class. C- is +best described as a "low-level" programming language. In fact, the +language generally requires more C- statements than machine-code +statements to execute a given task. In this respect, it is very +similar to COBOL. +% + THE LESSER-KNOWN PROGRAMMING LANGUAGES #18a: FIFTH + +FIFTH is a precision mathematical language in which the data types +refer to quantity. The data types range from CC, OUNCE, SHOT, and +JIGGER to FIFTH (hence the name of the language), LITER, MAGNUM and +BLOTTO. Commands refer to ingredients such as CHABLIS, CHARDONNAY, +CABERNET, GIN, VERMOUTH, VODKA, SCOTCH, and WHATEVERSAROUND. + +The many versions of the FIFTH language reflect the sophistication and +financial status of its users. Commands in the ELITE dialect include +VSOP and LAFITE, while commands in the GUTTER dialect include HOOTCH, +THUNDERBIRD, RIPPLE and HOUSERED. The latter is a favorite of frustrated +FORTH programmers who end up using this language. +% + THE LESSER-KNOWN PROGRAMMING LANGUAGES #2: RENE + +Named after the famous French philosopher and mathematician Rene +Descartes, RENE is a language used for artificial intelligence. The +language is being developed at the Chicago Center of Machine Politics +and Programming under a grant from the Jane Byrne Victory Fund. A +spokesman described the language as "Just as great as dis [sic] city of +ours." + +The center is very pleased with progress to date. They say they have +almost succeeded in getting a VAX to think. However, sources inside the +organization say that each time the machine fails to think it ceases to +exist. +% + THE LESSER-KNOWN PROGRAMMING LANGUAGES #5: VALGOL +From its modest beginnings in Southern California's San Fernando Valley, +VALGOL is enjoying a dramatic surge of popularity across the industry. + +Here is a sample program: + LIKE, Y*KNOW(I MEAN)START + IF PIZZA = LIKE BITCHEN AND GUY = LIKE TUBULAR AND + VALLEY GIRL = LIKE GRODY**MAX(FERSURE)**2 THEN + FOR I = LIKE 1 TO OH*MAYBE 100 + DO*WAH - (DITTY**2) + BARF(I)=TOTALLY GROSS(OUT) + SURE + LIKE BAG THIS PROGRAM + REALLY + LIKE TOTALLY (Y*KNOW) + IM*SURE + GOTO THE MALL + +When the user makes a syntax error, the interpreter displays the message: + + GAG ME WITH A SPOON!! +% + THE LESSER-KNOWN PROGRAMMING LANGUAGES #8: LAIDBACK + +This language was developed at the Marin County Center for T'ai Chi, +Mellowness and Computer Programming (now defunct), as an alternative to +the more intense atmosphere in nearby Silicon Valley. + +The center was ideal for programmers who liked to soak in hot tubs +while they worked. Unfortunately few programmers could survive there +because the center outlawed Pizza and Coca-Cola in favor of Tofu and +Perrier. + +Many mourn the demise of LAIDBACK because of its reputation as a gentle +and non-threatening language since all error messages are in lower +case. For example, LAIDBACK responded to syntax errors with the +message: + "i hate to bother you, but i just can't relate to that. can + you find the time to try it again?" +% The Lord and I are in a sheep-shepherd relationship, and I am in a position of negative need. He prostrates me in a green-belt grazing area. @@ -3185,6 +4349,13 @@ change in management can harm him. He will not be fired, even if the project is canceled. Why is this? He is filled with the Tao. -- Geoffrey James, "The Tao of Programming" % + The men sat sipping their tea in silence. After a while the +klutz said, "Life is like a bowl of sour cream." + + "Like a bowl of sour cream?" asked the other. "Why?" + + "How should I know? What am I, a philosopher?" +% The Minnesota Board of Education voted to consider requiring all students to do some "volunteer work" as a prerequisite to high school gradu- ation. @@ -3214,6 +4385,16 @@ grow up with you, and if you're successful and you try hard enough, you're bound to come out on top, just like these boys have come to the top now. -- Babe Ruth, in his 1948 farewell speech at Yankee Stadium % + The people of Halifax invented the trampoline. During the +Victorian period the tripe-dressers of Halifax stretched tripe across a +large wooden frame and jumped up and down on it to `tender and dress' +it. The tripoline, as they called it, degenerated into becoming the +apparatus for a spectator sport. + + The people of Halifax also invented the harmonium, a device for +castrating pigs during Sunday service. + -- Mike Harding, "The Armchair Anarchist's Almanac" +% The Priest's grey nimbus in a niche where he dressed discreetly. I will not sleep here tonight. Home also I cannot go. A voice, sweetened and sustained, called to him from the sea. @@ -3246,6 +4427,22 @@ through the door and into the cabin. The salesman slammed the door closed and grinned at his friend. "Got him!", he exclaimed, "now, you skin this one and I'll go rustle us up another!" % + The seven eyes of Ningauble the Wizard floated back to his hood +as he reported to Fafhrd: "I have seen much, yet cannot explain all. +The Gray Mouser is exactly twenty-five feet below the deepest cellar in +the palace of Gilpkerio Kistomerces. Even though twenty-four parts in +twenty-five of him are dead, he is alive. + + "Now about Lankhmar. She's been invaded, her walls breached +everywhere and desperate fighting is going on in the streets, by a +fierce host which out-numbers Lankhmar's inhabitants by fifty to one -- +and equipped with all modern weapons. Yet you can save the city." + + "How?" demanded Fafhrd. + + Ningauble shrugged. "You're a hero. You should know." + -- Fritz Leiber, from "The Swords of Lankhmar" +% The Soviet pre-eminence in chess can be traced to the average Russian's readiness to brood obsessively over anything, even the arrangement of some pieces of wood. Indeed, the Russians' predisposition for quiet @@ -3298,6 +4495,17 @@ retreat. Greater talent shows itself late in life. Even a perfect program still has bugs. -- Geoffrey James, "The Tao of Programming" % + THE WOMBAT + +The wombat lives across the seas, +Among the far Antipodes. +He may exist on nuts and berries, +Or then again, on missionaries; +His distant habitat precludes +Conclusive knowledge of his moods. +But I would not engage the wombat +In any form of mortal combat. +% The world's most avid baseball fan (an Aggie) had arrived at the stadium for the first game of the World Series only to realize he had left his ticket at home. Not wanting to miss any of the first inning, he went @@ -3367,6 +4575,32 @@ are for. Wizards make no difference, so they say that nothing does, but heroes are meant to die for unicorns." -- P. Beagle, "The Last Unicorn" % + THEORY +Into love and out again, + Thus I went and thus I go. +Spare your voice, and hold your pen: + Well and bitterly I know +All the songs were ever sung, + All the words were ever said; +Could it be, when I was young, + Someone dropped me on my head? + -- Dorothy Parker +% + There are some goyisha names that just about guarantee that +someone isn't Jewish. For example, you'll never meet a Jew named +Johnson or Wright or Jones or Sinclair or Ricks or Stevenson or Reid or +Larsen or Jenks. But some goyisha names just about guarantee that +every other person you meet with that name will be Jewish. Why is +this? + Who knows? Learned rabbis have pondered this question for +centuries and have failed to come up with an answer, and you think ___you +can find one? Get serious. You don't even understand why it's +forbidden to eat crab -- fresh cold crab with mayonnaise -- or lobster +-- soft tender morsels of lobster dipped in melted butter. You don't +even understand a simple thing like that, and yet you hope to discover +why there are more Jews named Miller than Katz? Fat Chance. + -- Arthur Naiman, "Every Goy's Guide to Yiddish" +% There once was a man who went to a computer trade show. Each day as he entered, the man told the guard at the door: "I am a great thief, renowned for my feats of shoplifting. Be @@ -3542,6 +4776,32 @@ attention to a license agreement, bloodthirsty or not. Just keep your doors locked and look out for the HavenTree attack shark. -- License Agreement for Interactive Easyflow % + Thompson, if he is to be believed, has sampled the entire +rainbow of legal and illegal drugs in heroic efforts to feel better +than he does. + As for the truth about his health: I have asked around about +it. I am told that he appears to be strong and rosy, and steadily +sane. But we will be doing what he wants us to do, I think, if we +consider his exterior a sort of Dorian Gray facade. Inwardly, he is +being eaten alive by tinhorn politicians. + The disease is fatal. There is no known cure. The most we can +do for the poor devil, it seems to me, is to name his disease in his +honor. From this moment on, let all those who feel that Americans can +be as easily led to beauty as to ugliness, to truth as to public +relations, to joy as to bitterness, be said to be suffering from Hunter +Thompson's disease. I don't have it this morning. It comes and goes. +This morning I don't have Hunter Thompson's disease. + -- Kurt Vonnegut, Jr. on Hunter S. Thompson: Excerpt + from "A Political Disease", Vonnegut's review of "Fear + and Loathing: On the Campaign Trail '72" +% + To A Quick Young Fox: +Why jog exquisite bulk, fond crazy vamp, +Daft buxom jonquil, zephyr's gawky vice? +Guy fed by work, quiz Jove's xanthic lamp -- +Zow! Qualms by deja vu gyp fox-kin thrice. + -- Lazy Dog +% To lose weight, eat less; to gain weight, eat more; if you merely wish to maintain, do whatever you were doing. The Bronx diet is a legitimate system of food therapy showing that @@ -3577,6 +4837,19 @@ was Carmen or Cohen. since, he's been talking about the good old dais. His students planted a small orchard in his honor, the trees all have square roots. % + "Verily and forsooth," replied Goodgulf darkly. "In the past +year strange and fearful wonders I have seen. Fields sown with barley +reap crabgrass and fungus, and even small gardens reject their +artichoke hearts. There has been a hot day in December and a blue +moon. Calendars are made with a month of Sundays and a blue-ribbon +Holstein bore alive two insurance salesmen. The earth splits and the +entrails of a goat were found tied in square knots. The face of the +sun blackens and the skies have rained down soggy potato chips." + "But what do all these things mean?" gasped Frito. + "Beats me," said Goodgulf with a shrug, "but I thought it made +good copy." + -- Harvard Lampoon, "Bored of the Rings" +% Vice-President Hubert Humphrey's loquacity is legendary, and Barry Goldwater notes that "Hubert has been clocked at 275 words a minute with gusts up to 340." @@ -3591,6 +4864,10 @@ are just like [Lyndon Johnson's] programs. They look good but they don't work." -- Bill Adler, "The Washington Wits" % + WARNING TO ALL PERSONNEL: + +Firings will continue until morale improves. +% We don't claim Interactive EasyFlow is good for anything -- if you think it is, great, but it's up to you to decide. If Interactive EasyFlow doesn't work: tough. If you lose a million because Interactive EasyFlow @@ -3629,6 +4906,28 @@ hospitals, insane asylums, etc., so that leaves 12,000 to do the work. so that leaves just 2 people to carry the load. That is you and me, and brother, I'm getting tired of doing everything myself! % + We were young and our happiness dazzled us with its strength. +But there was also a terrible betrayal that lay within me like a Merle +Haggard song at a French restaurant. ... + I could not tell the girl about the woman of the tollway, of +her milk white BMW and her Jordache smile. There had been a fight. I +had punched her boyfriend, who fought the mechanical bulls. Everyone +told him, "You ride the bull, senor. You do not fight it." But he was +lean and tough like a bad rib-eye and he fought the bull. And then he +fought me. And when we finished there were no winners, just men doing +what men must do. ... + "Stop the car," the girl said. There was a look of terrible +sadness in her eyes. She knew about the woman of the tollway. I knew +not how. I started to speak, but she raised an arm and spoke with a +quiet and peace I will never forget. + "I do not ask for whom's the tollway belle," she said, "the +tollway belle's for thee." + The next morning our youth was a memory, and our happiness was +a lie. Life is like a bad margarita with good tequila, I thought as I +poured whiskey onto my granola and faced a new day. + -- Peter Applebome, International Imitation Hemingway + Competition +% "Welcome back for you 13th consecutive week, Evelyn. Evelyn, will you go into the auto-suggestion booth and take your regular place on the psycho-prompter couch?" @@ -3781,6 +5080,10 @@ fantasies?" "You keep it to yourself." -- Broadcast News % + "What do you give a man who has everything?" the pretty +teenager asked her mother. + "Encouragement, dear," she replied. +% What is involved in such [close] relationships is a form of emotional chemistry, so far unexplained by any school of psychiatry I am aware of, that conditions nothing so simple as a choice between the poles of attraction and @@ -3808,6 +5111,12 @@ not the mean and stupid God you make Him out to be". ever happened to me... the most dreadful thing." -- Peter Straub, "Ghost Story" % + "What's that thing?" + "Well, it's a highly technical, sensitive instrument we use in +computer repair. Being a layman, you probably can't grasp exactly what +it does. We call it a two-by-four." + -- Jeff MacNelly, "Shoe" +% When, in 1964, New Hampshire Republican Senator Norris Cotton announced his support of Barry Goldwater in his state's primary election, he was questioned as to whether this indicated a change of his hitherto "liberal" @@ -3838,6 +5147,12 @@ the slightest idea where I'm going to get it from!" "I'm glad to hear that," answered Abe. "I was afraid you might have some idea that you could borrow from me!" % + When you have shot and killed a man you have in some measure +clarified your attitude toward him. You have given a definite answer +to a definite problem. For better or worse you have acted decisively. + In a way, the next move is up to him. + -- R. A. Lafferty +% When you see someone across the room and suddenly know for a fact that he's the most wonderful man on earth, you've got instant lust on your hands. Something about the way his tie is knotted is infinitely intriguing @@ -3962,6 +5277,14 @@ There, that ought to patch it. Dist it out, wouldja?" was about to say 'as he is unknown to the public.'" -- Sir Arthur Conan Doyle, "The Valley of Fear" % + "You know, it's at times like this when I'm trapped in a Vogon +airlock with a man from Betelgeuse and about to die of asphyxiation in +deep space that I really wish I'd listened to what my mother told me +when I was young!" + "Why, what did she tell you?" + "I don't know, I didn't listen!" + -- Douglas Adams, "The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy" +% "You mean, if you allow the master to be uncivil, to treat you any old way he likes, and to insult your dignity, then he may deem you fit to hear his view of things?" @@ -3989,6 +5312,27 @@ two groups?" "You know, the problem is these idiots who can't make up their minds." % + YOU TOO CAN MAKE BIG MONEY IN THE EXCITING FIELD OF + PAPER SHUFFLING! + +Mr. TAA of Muddle, Mass. says: "Before I took this course I used to be +a lowly bit twiddler. Now with what I learned at MIT Tech I feel +really important and can obfuscate and confuse with the best." + +Mr. MARC had this to say: "Ten short days ago all I could look forward +to was a dead-end job as a engineer. Now I have a promising future and +make really big Zorkmids." + +MIT Tech can't promise these fantastic results to everyone, but when +you earn your MDL degree from MIT Tech your future will be brighter. + + SEND FOR OUR FREE BROCHURE TODAY! +% + You will remember, Watson, how the dreadful business of the +Abernetty family was first brought to my notice by the depth which the +parsley had sunk into the butter upon a hot day. + -- Sherlock Holmes +% Young men and young women may work systematically six days in the week and rise fresh in the morning, but let them attend modern dances for only a few hours each evening and see what happens. The Waltz, Polka, @@ -4004,6 +5348,25 @@ age they will in most instances be broken in health physically and morally. This is the claim of prominent physicians in this country. -- Quote from a 1910 periodical % + Your home electrical system is basically a bunch of wires that +bring electricity into your home and take if back out before it has a +chance to kill you. This is called a "circuit". The most common home +electrical problem is when the circuit is broken by a "circuit +breaker"; this causes the electricity to back up in one of the wires +until it bursts out of an outlet in the form of sparks, which can +damage your carpet. The best way to avoid broken circuits is to change +your fuses regularly. + Another common problem is that the lights flicker. This +sometimes means that your electrical system is inadequate, but more +often it means that your home is possessed by demons, in which case +you'll need to get a caulking gun and some caulking. If you're not +sure whether your house is possessed, see "The Amityville Horror", a +fine documentary film based on an actual book. Or call in a licensed +electrician, who is trained to spot the signs of demonic possession, +such as blood coming down the stairs, enormous cats on the dinette +table, etc. + -- Dave Barry, "The Taming of the Screw" +% "Your son still sliding down the banisters?" "We wound barbed wire around them." "That stop him?" @@ -4038,6 +5401,29 @@ you are young. " " -- Marcel Marceau % + _ + _ / \ o + / \ | | o o o + | | | | _ o o o o + | \_| | / \ o o o + \__ | | | o o + | | | | ______ ~~~~ _____ + | |__/ | / ___--\\ ~~~ __/_____\__ + | ___/ / \--\\ \\ \ ___ <__ x x __\ + | | / /\\ \\ )) \ ( " ) + | | -------(---->>(@)--(@)-------\----------< >----------- + | | // | | //__________ / \ ____) (___ \\ + | | // __|_| ( --------- ) //// ______ /////\ \\ + // | ( \ ______ / <<<< <>-----<<<<< / \\ + // ( ) / / \` \__ \\ + //-------------------------------------------------------------\\ + +Every now and then when your life gets complicated and the weasels +start closing in, the only cure is to load up on heinous chemicals and +then drive like a bastard from Hollywood to Las Vegas ... with the +music at top volume and at least a pint of ether. + -- Hunter S. Thompson, "Fear and Loathing in Las Vegas" +% /\ \\ \ / \ \\ / @@ -4080,6 +5466,22 @@ you are young. % * * * * * THIS TERMINAL IS IN USE * * * * * % + n = ((n >> 1) & 0x55555555) | ((n << 1) & 0xaaaaaaaa); + n = ((n >> 2) & 0x33333333) | ((n << 2) & 0xcccccccc); + n = ((n >> 4) & 0x0f0f0f0f) | ((n << 4) & 0xf0f0f0f0); + n = ((n >> 8) & 0x00ff00ff) | ((n << 8) & 0xff00ff00); + n = ((n >> 16) & 0x0000ffff) | ((n << 16) & 0xffff0000); + + -- C code which reverses the bits in a word. +% + n = (n & 0x55555555) + ((n & 0xaaaaaaaa) >> 1); + n = (n & 0x33333333) + ((n & 0xcccccccc) >> 2); + n = (n & 0x0f0f0f0f) + ((n & 0xf0f0f0f0) >> 4); + n = (n & 0x00ff00ff) + ((n & 0xff00ff00) >> 8); + n = (n & 0x0000ffff) + ((n & 0xffff0000) >> 16); + + -- C code which counts the bits in a word. +% === ALL CSH USERS PLEASE NOTE ======================== Set the variable $LOSERS to all the people that you think are losers. This @@ -4109,7 +5511,7 @@ please communicate them by one of the following paths: ARPA: WastebasketSLMHQ.ARPA UUCP: [berkeley, seismo, harpo]!fubar!thekid!slmhq!wastebasket - Non-network sites: Federal Express to: + Non-network sites: Federal Express to: Wastebasket Room NE43-926 Copernicus, The Moon, 12345-6789 @@ -4246,6 +5648,10 @@ III. Any body passing through solid matter will leave a perforation threat of skunks or matrimony often catalyzes this reaction. -- Esquire, "O'Donnell's Laws of Cartoon Motion", June 1980 % +" ... I told my doctor I got all the exercise I needed being a +pallbearer for all my friends who run and do exercises!" + -- Winston Churchill +% 1. I'm Not Rudolph; That's Not My Nose 2. The Nutcracker Swede 3. Santa Goes Round-The-World @@ -4259,6 +5665,13 @@ III. Any body passing through solid matter will leave a perforation -- David Letterman, "Top Ten Christmas Movies in Times Square" % +... A booming voice says, "Wrong, cretin!", and you notice that you +have turned into a pile of dust. +% +... A solemn, unsmiling, sanctimonious old iceberg who looked like he +was waiting for a vacancy in the Trinity. + -- Mark Twain +% ... a thing called Ethics, whose nature was confusing but if you had it you were a High-Class Realtor and if you hadn't you were a shyster, a piker and a fly-by-night. These virtues awakened Confidence and enabled you to handle @@ -4267,6 +5680,10 @@ and refuse to take twice the value for a house if a buyer was such an idiot that he didn't force you down on the asking price. -- Sinclair Lewis, "Babbitt" % +"... After all, all he did was string together a lot of old, well-known +quotations." + -- H. L. Mencken, on Shakespeare +% -- All articles that coruscate with resplendence are not truly auriferous. -- When there are visible vapors having the prevenience in ignited carbonaceous materials, there is conflagration. @@ -4292,6 +5709,9 @@ products, if they are built at all, are dogs!" -- David E. Lundstrom, "A Few Good Men From Univac", MIT Press, 1987 % +"... all the modern inconveniences ..." + -- Mark Twain +% ... an anecdote from IBM's Yorktown Heights Research Center. When a programmer used his new computer terminal, all was fine when he was sitting down, but he couldn't log in to the system when he was standing up. That @@ -4310,6 +5730,21 @@ astray by hunting and pecking. -- from the Programming Pearls column, by Jon Bentley in CACM February 1985 % +"... an experienced, industrious, ambitious, and often quite often +picturesque liar." + -- Mark Twain +% +... and furthermore ... I don't like your trousers. +% +... And malt does more than Milton can +To justify God's ways to man + -- A. E. Housman +% +"... And remember: if you don't like the news, go out and make some of +your own." + -- "Scoop" Nisker, KFOG radio reporter + Preposterous Words +% ... Another writer again agreed with all my generalities, but said that as an inveterate skeptic I have closed my mind to the truth. Most notably I have ignored the evidence for an Earth that is six thousand years old. Well, I @@ -4332,6 +5767,37 @@ the reader is left as an exercise for the second god coefficient. (A discussion of non-orthogonal, non-integral polytheism is beyond the scope of this article.) % +... at least I thought I was dancing, 'til somebody stepped on my hand. + -- J. B. White +% +... bleakness... desolation... plastic forks... + -- Zippy the Pinhead +% +... But as records of courts and justice are admissible, it can +easily be proved that powerful and malevolent magicians once existed +and were a scourge to mankind. The evidence (including confession) +upon which certain women were convicted of witchcraft and executed was +without a flaw; it is still unimpeachable. The judges' decisions based +on it were sound in logic and in law. Nothing in any existing court +was ever more thoroughly proved than the charges of witchcraft and +sorcery for which so many suffered death. If there were no witches, +human testimony and human reason are alike destitute of value. + -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary" +% +... But if we laugh with derision, we will never understand. Human +intellectual capacity has not altered for thousands of years so far as +we can tell. If intelligent people invested intense energy in issues +that now seem foolish to us, then the failure lies in our understanding +of their world, not in their distorted perceptions. Even the standard +example of ancient nonsense -- the debate about angels on pinheads -- +makes sense once you realize that theologians were not discussing +whether five or eighteen would fit, but whether a pin could house a +finite or an infinite number. + -- S. J. Gould, "Wide Hats and Narrow Minds" +% +... But we've only fondled the surface of that subject. + -- Virginia Masters +% ... C++ offers even more flexible control over the visibility of member objects and member functions. Specifically, members may be placed in the public, private, or protected parts of a class. Members declared in the @@ -4347,6 +5813,10 @@ civilization began has seen six orders of magnitude in performance-price gain in 30 years. -- Frederick Brooks % +... [concerning quotation marks] even if we *___did* quote anybody in this +business, it probably would be gibberish. + -- Thom McLeod +% ... difference of opinion is advantageous in religion. The several sects perform the office of a common censor morum over each other. Is uniformity attainable? Millions of innocent men, women, and children, since the @@ -4354,6 +5824,8 @@ introduction of Christianity, have been burnt, tortured, fined, imprisoned; yet we have not advanced one inch towards uniformity. -- Thomas Jefferson, "Notes on Virginia" % + Eat drink and be merry, for tomorrow they may make it illegal. +% <<<<< EVACUATION ROUTE <<<<< % ... "fire" does not matter, "earth" and "air" and "water" do not matter. @@ -4370,14 +5842,36 @@ knows them in the naming. the Black Chamber, the precursor to the National Security Agency. % +... Had this been an actual emergency, we would have fled in terror, +and you would not have been informed. +% /* Haley */ (Haley's comment.) % +" I changed my headlights the other day. I put in strobe lights +instead! Now when I drive at night, it looks like everyone else is +standing still ..." + -- Steven Wright +% +"... I should explain that I was wearing a black velvet cape that was +supposed to make me look like the dashing, romantic Zorro but which +actually made me look like a gigantic bat wearing glasses ..." + -- Dave Barry, "The Wet Zorro Suit and Other Turning + Points in l'Amour" +% +... If forced to travel on an airplane, try and get in the cabin with +the Captain, so you can keep an eye on him and nudge him if he falls +asleep or point out any mountains looming up ahead ... + -- Mike Harding, "The Armchair Anarchist's Almanac" +% ... if the church put in half the time on covetousness that it does on lust, this would be a better world. -- Garrison Keillor, "Lake Wobegon Days" % +... I'm IMAGINING a sensuous GIRAFFE, CAVORTING in the BACK ROOM of a +KOSHER DELI!! +% **** IMPORTANT **** ALL USERS PLEASE NOTE **** Due to a recent systems overload error your recent disk files have been @@ -4401,6 +5895,11 @@ at genius level and a few months after that its powers will be incalculable ... -- Marvin Minsky, LIFE Magazine, November 20, 1970 % +... indifference is a militant thing ... when it goes away it leaves +smoking ruins, where lie citizens bayonetted through the throat. It is +not a children's pastime like mere highway robbery. + -- Stephen Crane +% >>> Internal error in fortune program: >>> fnum=2987 n=45 flag=1 goose_level=-232323 >>> Please write down these values and notify fortune program administrator. @@ -4428,6 +5927,9 @@ found and thy program runneth. And he that was dead came forth... What's that? A chartreuse flamethrower?" -- Opus % +... Logically incoherent, semantically incomprehensible, and +legally ... impeccable! +% -- Male cadavers are incapable of yielding testimony. -- Individuals who make their abode in vitreous edifices would be well advised to refrain from catapulting projectiles. @@ -4443,6 +5945,9 @@ What's that? A chartreuse flamethrower?" % ** MAXIMUM TERMINALS ACTIVE. TRY AGAIN LATER ** % +... My pants just went on a wild rampage through a Long Island Bowling +Alley!! +% -- Neophyte's serendipity. -- Exclusive dedication to necessitous chores without interludes of hedonistic diversion renders John a hebetudinous fellow. @@ -4462,6 +5967,44 @@ Archaeologists find PDP-11/24 inside brain cavity of fossilized dinosaur skeleton! Many Digital users fear that RSX-11M may be even more primitive than DEC admits. Price adjustments at 11:00. % +... Now you're ready for the actual shopping. Your goal should be to +get it over with as quickly as possible, because the longer you stay in +the mall, the longer your children will have to listen to holiday songs +on the mall public-address system, and many of these songs can damage +children emotionally. For example: "Frosty the Snowman" is about a +snowman who befriends some children, plays with them until they learn +to love him, then melts. And "Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer" is about +a young reindeer who, because of a physical deformity, is treated as an +outcast by the other reindeer. Then along comes good, old Santa. Does +he ignore the deformity? Does he look past Rudolph's nose and respect +Rudolph for the sensitive reindeer he is underneath? No. Santa asks +Rudolph to guide his sleigh, as if Rudolph were nothing more than some +kind of headlight with legs and a tail. So unless you want your +children exposed to this kind of insensitivity, you should shop +quickly. + -- Dave Barry, "Christmas Shopping: A Survivor's Guide" +% +... Once you're safely in the mall, you should tie your children to you +with ropes so the other shoppers won't try to buy them. Holiday +shoppers have been whipped into a frenzy by months of holiday +advertisements, and they will buy anything small enough to stuff into a +shopping bag. If your children object to being tied, threaten to take +them to see Santa Claus; that ought to shut them up. + -- Dave Barry, "Christmas Shopping: A Survivor's Guide" +% +"... one of the main causes of the fall of the Roman Empire was that, +lacking zero, they had no way to indicate successful termination of +their C programs." + -- Robert Firth +% +... Our second completely true news item was sent to me by Mr. H. Boyce +Connell Jr. of Atlanta, Ga., where he is involved in a law firm. One +thing I like about the South is, folks there care about tradition. If +somebody gets handed a name like "H. Boyce," he hangs on to it, puts it +on his legal stationery, even passes it to his son, rather than do what +a lesser person would do, such as get it changed or kill himself. + -- Dave Barry, "This Column is Nothing but the Truth!" +% ... proper attention to Earthly needs of the poor, the depressed and the downtrodden, would naturally evolve from dynamic, articulate, spirited awareness of the great goals for Man and the society he conspired to erect. @@ -4481,6 +6024,29 @@ awareness of the great goals for Man and the society he conspired to erect. -- The temperature of the aqueous content of an unremittingly galled saucepan does not reach 212 degrees Fahrenheit. % +... so long as the people do not care to exercise their freedom, those +who wish to tyrannize will do so; for tyrants are active and ardent, +and will devote themselves in the name of any number of gods, religious +and otherwise, to put shackles upon sleeping men. + -- Voltarine de Cleyre +% +... So the documentary-makers stick with sharks. Generally, their +procedure is to scatter bleeding fish pieces around their boat, so as +to infest the waters. I would estimate that the primary food source of +sharks today is bleeding fish pieces scattered by people making +documentaries. Once the sharks arrive, they are generally fairly +listless. The general shark attitude seems to be: "Oh God, another +documentary." So the divers have to somehow goad them into attacking, +under the guise of Scientific Research. "We know very little about the +effect of electricity on sharks," the narrator will say, in a deeply +scientific voice. "That is why Todd is going to jab this Great White +in the testicles with a cattle prod." The divers keep this kind of +thing up until the shark finally gets irritated and snaps at them, and +then they act as though this was a totally unexpected and very +dangerous development, although clearly it is what they wanted all +along. + -- Dave Barry, "The Wonders of Sharks on TV" +% ***** Special AI Seminar (abstract) It has been widely recognized that AI programs require expert knowledge @@ -4500,6 +6066,12 @@ of value, and Husserl's phenomenology. In this seminar, we will describe IMMANUEL's achievements and internal architecture. We will also briefly discuss our recent efforts to apply wisdom engineering to oil exploration. % +... The Anarchists' [national] anthem is an international anthem that +consists of 365 raspberries blown in very quick succession to the tune +of "Camptown Races". Nobody has to stand up for it, nobody has to +listen to it, and, even better, nobody has to play it. + -- Mike Harding, "The Armchair Anarchist's Almanac" +% -- THE BATES MOTEL -- ... convenient ... clean @@ -4510,6 +6082,16 @@ discuss our recent efforts to apply wisdom engineering to oil exploration. M. % +"... the Mayo Clinic, named after its founder, Dr. Ted Clinic ..." + -- Dave Barry +% +... the MYSTERIANS are in here with my CORDUROY SOAP DISH!! +% +... the privileged being which we call human is distinguished from +other animals only by certain double-edged manifestations which in +charity we can only call "inhuman." + -- R. A. Lafferty +% -- The writing implement is more potent than the claymore. -- All articles that coruscate with resplendence are not truly auriferous. -- When there are visible vapors having the prevenience in ignited carbonaceous @@ -4538,6 +6120,19 @@ cleanersayingIllgetyoumyprettyandyourlittledogTototoo ... million hardbound copies of "The Naked Lunch." -- The Firesign Theater % +... This striving for excellence extends into people's personal lives +as well. When '80s people buy something, they buy the best one, as +determined by (1) price and (2) lack of availability. Eighties people +buy imported dental floss. They buy gourmet baking soda. If an '80s +couple goes to a restaurant where they have made a reservation three +weeks in advance, and they are informed that their table is available, +they stalk out immediately, because they know it is not an excellent +restaurant. If it were, it would have an enormous crowd of +excellence-oriented people like themselves waiting, their beepers going +off like crickets in the night. An excellent restaurant wouldn't have +a table ready immediately for anybody below the rank of Liza Minnelli. + -- Dave Barry, "In Search of Excellence" +% ... though his invention worked superbly -- his theory was a crock of sewage from beginning to end. -- Vernor Vinge, "The Peace War" @@ -4610,6 +6205,8 @@ The doctor puts his hand on Pa Carrot's shoulder and solemnly looks him in the eye. "Your son will live... but... he'll be a vegetable for the rest of his life." % +!07/11 PDP a ni deppart m'I !pleH +% 1: A sheet of paper is an ink-lined plane. 2: An inclined plane is a slope up. 3: A slow pup is a lazy dog. @@ -4654,6 +6251,15 @@ QED: A sheet of paper is a lazy dog. (6) The only number that is both even and odd is infinity. Therefore, all horses are black. % +(1) Alexander the Great was a great general. +(2) Great generals are forewarned. +(3) Forewarned is forearmed. +(4) Four is an even number. +(5) Four is certainly an odd number of arms for a man to have. +(6) The only number that is both even and odd is infinity. + +Therefore, Alexander the Great had an infinite number of arms. +% 1. Avoid fried meats which angry up the blood. 2. If your stomach antagonizes you, pacify it with cool thoughts. 3. Keep the juices flowing by jangling around gently as you move. @@ -4695,6 +6301,10 @@ The amount of beauty required launch 1 ship = 1 Millihelen % 1 bulls, 3 cows. % +(1) Everything depends. +(2) Nothing is always. +(3) Everything is sometimes. +% 1) Never draw what you can copy. 2) Never copy what you can trace. 3) Never trace what you can cut out and paste down. @@ -4746,10 +6356,44 @@ you have to (always catch the buyer hungry and always make him wait). enormous can of vegetable juice. 10. A beer won't smoke in your car. % +100 buckets of bits on the bus +100 buckets of bits +Take one down, short it to ground +FF buckets of bits on the bus + +FF buckets of bits on the bus +FF buckets of bits +Take one down, short it to ground +FE buckets of bits on the bus + +ad infinitum... +% +$100 invested at 7% interest for 100 years will become $100,000, at +which time it will be worth absolutely nothing. + -- Lazarus Long, "Time Enough for Love" +% $100 placed at 7 percent interest compounded quarterly for 200 years will increase to more than $100,000,000 -- by which time it will be worth nothing. -- Lazarus Long, "Time Enough For Love" % +10.0 times 0.1 is hardly ever 1.0. +% +101 USES FOR A DEAD MICROPROCESSOR + (1) Scarecrow for centipedes + (2) Dead cat brush + (3) Hair barrettes + (4) Cleats + (5) Self-piercing earrings + (6) Fungus trellis + (7) False eyelashes + (8) Prosthetic dog claws + . + . + . + (99) Window garden harrow (pulled behind Tonka tractors) + (100) Killer velcro + (101) Currency +% 1/2 oz. gin 1/2 oz. vodka 1/2 oz. rum (preferably dark) @@ -4763,6 +6407,9 @@ shake with ice and strain into frosted glass. % 13. ... r-q1 % +1.79 x 10^12 furlongs per fortnight -- it's not just a good idea, it's +the law! +% 17th Rule of Friendship: A friend will refrain from telling you he picked up the same amount @@ -4770,6 +6417,10 @@ of life insurance coverage you did for half the price when yours is noncancellable. -- Esquire, May 1977 % +186,282 miles per second: + +It isn't just a good idea, it's the law! +% 1893 The ideal brain tonic 1900 Drink Coca-Cola -- delicious and refreshing -- 5 cents at all soda fountains @@ -4810,6 +6461,21 @@ noncancellable. 2nd graffitiest: Why? % +2180, U.S. History question: + What 20th Century U.S. President was almost impeached and what +office did he later hold? +% +3 syncs represent the trinity -- init, the child and the eternal zombie +process. In doing 3, you're paying homage to each and I think such +traditions are important in this shallow, mercurial business we find +ourselves in. + -- Jordan K. Hubbard +% +$3,000,000 +% +355/113 -- Not the famous irrational number PI, but an incredible +simulation! +% 3M, under the Scotch brand name, manufactures a fine adhesive for art and display work. This product is called "Craft Mount". 3M suggests that to obtain the best results, one should make the bond "while the @@ -4832,6 +6498,10 @@ has defeated your Ethernet board! You read a scroll of "postpone until Monday at 9 AM". Everything goes dark... -- /etc/motd, cbosgd % +43rd Law of Computing: + Anything that can go wr +fortune: Segmentation violation -- Core dumped +% (6) Men employees will be given time off each week for courting purposes, or two evenings a week if they go regularly to church. (7) After an employee has spent his thirteen hours of labor in the @@ -4856,14 +6526,58 @@ Monday at 9 AM". Everything goes dark... 1/2 oz. Galliano Harvey Wallbangers % +7:30, Channel 5: The Bionic Dog (Action/Adventure) + The Bionic Dog drinks too much and kicks over the National + Redwood Forest. +% +7:30, Channel 5: The Bionic Dog (Action/Adventure) + The Bionic Dog gets a hormonal short-circuit and violates the + Mann Act with an interstate Greyhound bus. +% +77. HO HUM -- The Redundant + +------- (7) This hexagram refers to a situation of extreme +--- --- (8) boredom. Your programs always bomb off. Your wife +------- (7) smells bad. Your children have hives. You are working +---O--- (6) on an accounting system, when you want to develop the +---X--- (9) GREAT AMERICAN COMPILER. You give up hot dates to +--- --- (8) nurse sick computers. What you need now is sex. + +Nine in the second place means: + The yellow bird approaches the malt shop. Misfortune. + +Six in the third place means: + In former times men built altars to honor the Internal Revenue + Service. Great Dragons! Are you in trouble! +% 90% of the work takes 90% of the time. The remaining 10% takes the other 90% of the time. % 94% of the women in America are beautiful and the rest hang out around here. % +99 blocks of crud on the disk, +99 blocks of crud! +You patch a bug, and dump it again: +100 blocks of crud on the disk! + +100 blocks of crud on the disk, +100 blocks of crud! +You patch a bug, and dump it again: +101 blocks of crud on the disk! ... +% +A baby is an alimentary canal with a loud voice at one end and no +responsibility at the other. +% +A baby is God's opinion that the world should go on. + -- Carl Sandburg +% A bachelor is a man who never made the same mistake once. % +A bachelor is a selfish, undeserving guy who has cheated some woman out +of a divorce. + -- Don Quinn +% A bachelor is an unaltared male. % A bachelor never quite gets over the idea that he is a thing of beauty @@ -4877,6 +6591,10 @@ A bank is a place where they lend you an umbrella in fair weather and ask for it back the when it begins to rain. -- Robert Frost % +A banker is a fellow who lends you his umbrella when the sun is shining +and wants it back the minute it begins to rain. + -- Mark Twain +% A beautiful woman is a blessing from Heaven, but a good cigar is a smoke. -- Kipling % @@ -4892,6 +6610,10 @@ most delicate care that balances are correct. A billion here, a billion there -- pretty soon it adds up to real money. -- Sen. Everett Dirksen, on the U.S. defense budget % +A billion here, a couple of billion there -- first thing you know it +adds up to be real money. + -- Senator Everett McKinley Dirksen +% A billion seconds ago Harry Truman was president. A billion minutes ago was just after the time of Christ. A billion hours ago man had not yet walked on earth. @@ -4909,9 +6631,15 @@ The mathematician: "Actually, we only know there exists a zebra, which is white on one side." The computer scientist : "Oh, no! A special case!" % +A bird in the bush usually has a friend in there with him. +% A bird in the hand is worth two in the bush. -- Cervantes % +A bird in the hand is worth what it will bring. +% +A bird in the hand makes it awfully hard to blow your nose. +% A bit of talcum Is always walcum -- Ogden Nash @@ -4938,6 +6666,9 @@ resource centers along the roads. A bore is a man who talks so much about himself that you can't talk about yourself. % +A bore is someone who persists in holding his +own views after we have enlightened him with ours. +% A boss with no humor is like a job that's no fun. % A box without hinges, key, or lid, @@ -4951,6 +6682,9 @@ of turning around three times before lying down. A boy gets to be a man when a man is needed. -- John Steinbeck % +A budget is just a method of worrying +before you spend money, as well as afterward. +% A bug in the code is worth two in the documentation. % A bug in the hand is better than one as yet undetected. @@ -4982,6 +6716,9 @@ A businessman is a hybrid of a dancer and a calculator. "A can of ASPARAGUS, 73 pigeons, some LIVE ammo, and a FROZEN DAIQUIRI!!" -- Zippy the Pinhead % +A candidate is a person who gets money from the rich +and votes from the poor to protect them from each other. +% A cannibal warrior is experiencing severe gastric distress, so he goes to his Village Witch Doctor with his complaint. The VWD examines him and, concluding that something he ate disagreed with him, began to cross @@ -5010,6 +6747,8 @@ A casual stroll through a lunatic asylum shows that faith does not prove anything. -- Friedrich Nietzsche % +A celebrity is a person who is known for his well-knownness. +% A certain amount of opposition is a help, not a hindrance. Kites rise against the wind, not with it. % @@ -5056,13 +6795,37 @@ and a half." % A chicken is an egg's way of producing more eggs. % +A child can go only so far in life without potty training. It is not +mere coincidence that six of the last seven presidents were potty +trained, not to mention nearly half of the nation's state legislators. + -- Dave Barry +% +A child of five could understand this! Fetch me a child of five. +% A chronic disposition to inquiry deprives domestic felines of vital qualities. % +A chubby man with a white beard and a red suit +will approach you soon. Avoid him. He's a Commie. +% +A citizen of America will cross the ocean to fight for democracy, but +won't cross the street to vote in a national election. + -- Bill Vaughan +% +A city is a large community where people are lonesome together. + -- Herbert Prochnow +% A clash of doctrine is not a disaster - it is an opportunity. % +A classic is something that everybody wants to have read and nobody +wants to read. + -- Mark Twain quoting Professor Winchester, + "The Disappearance of Literature" +% A clever prophet makes sure of the event first. % +A closed mouth gathers no foot. +% A cloud does not know why it moves in just such a direction and at such a speed, if feels an impulsion... this is the place to go now. But the sky knows the reasons and the patterns behind all clouds, and you will @@ -5184,18 +6947,43 @@ And then the CS Student was enlightened. % A computer scientist is someone who fixes things that aren't broken. % +A computer, to print out a fact, +Will divide, multiply, and subtract. + But this output can be + No more than debris, +If the input was short of exact. + -- Gigo +% A computer without COBOL and Fortran is like a piece of chocolate cake without ketchup and mustard. % +A conclusion is simply the place where someone got tired of thinking. +% A conference is a gathering of important people who singly can do nothing but together can decide that nothing can be done. -- Fred Allen % +A CONS is an object which cares. + -- Bernie Greenberg +% A conservative is a man who is too cowardly to fight and too fat to run. -- Elbert Hubbard % +A consultant is a person who borrows your watch, tells you what time it +is, pockets the watch, and sends you a bill for it. +% +A continuing flow of paper is sufficient to continue the flow of paper. + -- Dyer +% +A copy of the universe is not what is required of art; one of the +damned things is ample. + -- Rebecca West +% A couch is as good as a chair. % +A countryman between two lawyers is like a fish between two cats. + -- Ben Franklin +% A couple of young fellers were fishing at their special pond off the beaten track when out of the bushes jumped the Game Warden. Immediately, one of the boys threw his rod down and started running through the woods @@ -5242,12 +7030,26 @@ A "critic" is a man who creates nothing and thereby feels qualified to judge the work of creative men. There is logic in this; he is unbiased -- he hates all creative people equally. % +A crusader's wife slipped from the garrison +And had an affair with a Saracen. + She was not oversexed, + Or jealous or vexed, +She just wanted to make a comparison. +% +A cynic is a person searching for an honest man, with a stolen +lantern. + -- Edgar A. Shoaff +% +A day for firm decisions!!!!! Or is it? +% A day without orange juice is like a day without orange juice. % A day without sunshine is like a day without Anita Bryant. % A day without sunshine is like a day without orange juice. % +A day without sunshine is like night. +% A dead man cannot bite. -- Gnaeus Pompeius (Pompey) % @@ -5266,6 +7068,9 @@ is high. San Salvador is closer to Saigon than to Munich. A Difficulty for Every Solution. -- Motto of the Federal Civil Service % +A diplomat is a man who can convince his wife she'd look stout in a fur +coat. +% A diplomat is a man who can tell you to go to hell and make the trip sound pleasurable. -- Samuel Clemens @@ -5277,6 +7082,9 @@ in such a way that you actually look forward to the trip. A diplomat is man who always remembers a woman's birthday but never her age. -- Robert Frost % +A diplomat is someone who can tell you to go to hell in such a way that +you will look forward to the trip. +% A diplomatic husband said to his wife, "How do you expect me to remember your birthday when you never look any older?" % @@ -5290,6 +7098,8 @@ of her life?" the woman proceeded bravely on. "Well, I'm wondering, then, how serious my condition is. This prescription is marked `NO REFILLS'". % +A diva who specializes in risqu'e arias is an off-coloratura soprano ... +% A doctor calls his patient to give him the results of his tests. "I have some bad news," says the doctor, "and some worse news." The bad news is that you only have six weeks to live." @@ -5303,6 +7113,15 @@ waters. The doctor tried to swim ashore but was eaten by the sharks. The lawyer, however, swam safely past the bloodthirsty sharks. "Professional courtesy," he explained. % +A door is what a dog is perpetually on the wrong side of. + -- Ogden Nash +% +A dozen, a gross, and a score, +Plus three times the square root of four, + Divided by seven, + Plus five times eleven, +Equals nine squared plus zero, no more. +% A drama critic is a person who surprises a playwright by informing him what he meant. -- Wilson Mizner @@ -5328,6 +7147,19 @@ should be shot on sight. Cassandra did not get half the kicking around she deserved. -- Robert A. Heinlein % +A famous Lisp Hacker noticed an Undergraduate sitting in front of a +Xerox 1108, trying to edit a complex Klone network via a browser. +Wanting to help, the Hacker clicked one of the nodes in the network +with the mouse, and asked "what do you see?" Very earnestly, the +Undergraduate replied "I see a cursor." The Hacker then quickly +pressed the boot toggle at the back of the keyboard, while +simultaneously hitting the Undergraduate over the head with a thick +Interlisp Manual. The Undergraduate was then Enlightened. +% +A fanatic is one who can't change his mind and won't change the +subject. + -- Winston Churchill +% A farmer is a man outstanding in his field. % A feed salesman is on his way to a farm. As he's driving along at forty @@ -5413,14 +7245,34 @@ A fool and your money are soon partners. A fool is a man who worries about whether or not his lover has integrity. A wise man, on the other hand, busies himself with deeper attributes. % +A fool must now and then be right by chance. +% A foolish consistency is the hobgoblin of little minds. -- Ralph Waldo Emerson % +A fool-proof method for sculpting an elephant: first, get a huge block +of marble; then you chip away everything that doesn't look like an +elephant. +% +A fool's brain digests philosophy into folly, science into +superstition, and art into pedantry. Hence University education. + -- George Bernard Shaw +% +A formal parsing algorithm should not always be used. + -- D. Gries +% A Fortran compiler is the hobgoblin of little minis. % A fox is wolf who sends flowers. -- Ruth Weston % +"A fractal is by definition a set for which the Hausdorff Besicovitch +dimension strictly exceeds the topological dimension." + -- Mandelbrot, "The Fractal Geometry of Nature" +% +A free society is one where it is safe to be unpopular. + -- Adlai Stevenson +% A freelance is one who gets paid by the word -- per piece or perhaps. -- Robert Benchley % @@ -5446,6 +7298,12 @@ people's demands. % A furore Normanorum libera nos, O Domine! % +A Galileo could no more be elected president of the United States than +he could be elected Pope of Rome. Both high posts are reserved for men +favored by God with an extraordinary genius for swathing the bitter +facts of life in bandages of self-illusion. + -- H. L. Mencken +% A gambler's biggest thrill is winning a bet. His next biggest thrill is losing a bet. % @@ -5469,6 +7327,10 @@ G: Excellent, excellent! But I want to hear from the physicist before Physicist: Well, first consider a spherical horse in simple harmonic motion... % +A general leading the State Department resembles a dragon commanding +ducks. + -- New York Times, Jan. 20, 1981 +% A gentleman is a man who wouldn't hit a lady with his hat on. -- Evan Esar [ And why not? For why does she have his hat on? Ed.] @@ -5478,6 +7340,11 @@ A gentleman never strikes a lady with his hat on. % A gift of a flower will soon be made to you. % +A girl and a boy bump into each other -- surely an accident. +A girl and a boy bump and her handkerchief drops -- surely another accident. +But when a girl gives a boy a dead squid -- *____that ___had __to ____mean _________something*. + -- S. Morgenstern, "The Silent Gondoliers" +% A girl with a future avoids the man with a past. -- Evan Esar, "The Humor of Humor" % @@ -5487,6 +7354,24 @@ A girl's best friend is her mutter. A girl's conscience doesn't really keep her from doing anything wrong-- it merely keeps her from enjoying it. % +A gleekzorp without a tornpee is like a quop without a fertsneet (sort +of). +% +A [golf] ball hitting a tree shall be deemed not to have hit the tree. +Hitting a tree is simply bad luck and has no place in a scientific +game. The player should estimate the distance the ball would have +traveled if it had not hit the tree and play the ball from there, +preferably atop a nice firm tuft of grass. + -- Donald A. Metz +% +A [golf] ball sliced or hooked into the rough shall be lifted and +placed in the fairway at a point equal to the distance it carried or +rolled into the rough. Such veering right or left frequently results +from friction between the face of the club and the cover of the ball +and the player should not be penalized for the erratic behavior of the +ball resulting from such uncontrollable physical phenomena. + -- Donald A. Metz +% A good man always knows his limitations. -- Harry Callahan % @@ -5506,6 +7391,11 @@ A good programmer is someone who looks both ways before crossing a one-way street. -- Doug Linder % +A good question is never answered. It is not a bolt to be tightened +into place but a seed to be planted and to bear more seed toward the +hope of greening the landscape of idea. + -- John Ciardi +% A good reputation is more valuable than money. -- Publilius Syrus % @@ -5513,6 +7403,11 @@ A good scapegoat is hard to find. % A good supervisor can step on your toes without messing up your shine. % +A good sysadmin always carries around a few feet of fiber. If he ever +gets lost, he simply drops the fiber on the ground, waits ten minutes, +then asks the backhoe operator for directions. + -- Bill Bradford +% A GOOD WAY TO THREATEN somebody is to light a stick of dynamite. Then you call the guy and hold the burning fuse to the phone. "Hear that?" you say. "That's dynamite, baby." @@ -5538,6 +7433,13 @@ A grammarian's life is always intense. A great empire, like a great cake, is most easily diminished at the edges. -- Benjamin Franklin % +A great many people think they are thinking when they are merely +rearranging their prejudices. + -- William James +% +A great nation is any mob of people which produces at least one honest +man a century. +% A green hunting cap squeezed the top of the fleshy balloon of a head. The green earflaps, full of large ears and uncut hair and the fine bristles that grew in the ears themselves, stuck out on either side like turn signals @@ -5638,6 +7540,27 @@ A husband is what is left of the lover after the nerve has been extracted. A hypocrite is a person who ... but who isn't? -- Don Marquis % +A hypothetical paradox: + What would happen in a battle between an Enterprise security +team, who always get killed soon after appearing, and a squad of +Imperial Stormtroopers, who can't hit the broad side of a planet? + -- Tom Galloway +% +A is for AMY who fell down the stairs, B is for BASIL assaulted by bears. +C is for CLARA who wasted away, D is for DESMOND thrown out of a sleigh. +E is for ERNEST who choked on a peach, F is for FANNY sucked dry by a leech. +G is for GEORGE smothered under a rug, H is for HECTOR done in by a thug. +I is for IDA who drowned in a lake, J is for JAMES who took lye by mistake. +K is for KATE who was struck with an axe, L is for LEO who swallowed some tacks. +M is for MAUD who was swept out to sea, N is for NEVILLE who died of ennui. +O is for OLIVE run through with an awl, P is for PRUE trampled flat in a brawl. +Q is for QUENTIN who sank in a mire, R is for RHODA consumed by a fire. +S is for SUSAN who perished of fits, T is for TITUS who flew into bits. +U is for UNA who slipped down a drain, V is for VICTOR squashed under a train. +W is for WINNIE embedded in ice, X is for XERXES devoured by mice. +Y is for YORICK whose head was knocked in, Z is for ZILLAH who drank too much gin. + -- Edward Gorey, "The Gashlycrumb Tinies" +% A is for Apple. -- Hester Pryne % @@ -5671,6 +7594,8 @@ Z is for zcat, which handles compression. % A joint is just tea for two. % +A journey of a thousand miles begins with a cash advance. +% A journey of a thousand miles begins with a cash advance from Sam. % A journey of a thousand miles must begin with a single step. @@ -5684,6 +7609,9 @@ Earthen vessels Simply handed in through the window. There is certainly no blame in this. % +A jury consists of twelve persons chosen to decide who has the better lawyer. + -- Robert Frost +% A key to the understanding of all religions is that a God's idea of a good time is a game of Snakes and Ladders with greased rungs. % @@ -5698,9 +7626,31 @@ A kiss is a course of procedure, cunningly devised, for the mutual stoppage of speech at a moment when words are superfluous. % +A lack of leadership is no substitute for inaction. +% A lady is one who never shows her underwear unintentionally. -- Lillian Day % +A lady with one of her ears applied +To an open keyhole heard, inside, +Two female gossips in converse free -- +The subject engaging them was she. +"I think", said one, "and my husband thinks +That she's a prying, inquisitive minx!" +As soon as no more of it she could hear +The lady, indignant, removed her ear. +"I will not stay," she said with a pout, +"To hear my character lied about!" + -- Gopete Sherany +% +A language that doesn't affect the way you +think about programming is not worth knowing. + -- Alan Perlis +% +A language that doesn't have everything is +actually easier to program in than some that do. + -- Dennis M. Ritchie +% A lanky Texan was mad because Texas had just become the second largest state in the Union, so he made up his mind to move to Alaska. He drove for three days and three nights to get there and finally he came to what looked like the state @@ -5722,6 +7672,10 @@ with his clothes almost torn off and his face scratched and bloody. He was smiling happily. "Now," he roared, "where's that damn Eskimo woman you want killed?" % +A large number of installed systems work by fiat. +That is, they work by being declared to work. + -- Anatol Holt +% A large spider in an old house built a beautiful web in which to catch flies. Every time a fly landed on the web and was entangled in it the spider devoured him, so that when another fly came along he would think the web was a safe and @@ -5738,6 +7692,10 @@ to the flypaper with all the other flies. Moral: There is no safety in numbers, or in anything else. -- James Thurber, "The Fairly Intelligent Fly" % +A Law of Computer Programming: + Make it possible for programmers to write in English and you +will find that programmers cannot write in English. +% A liberal is a man too broadminded to take his own side in a quarrel. -- Robert Frost % @@ -5763,6 +7721,16 @@ A light wife doth make a heavy husband. A likely impossibility is always preferable to an unconvincing possibility. -- Aristotle % +A limerick packs laughs anatomical +Into space that is quite economical. + But the good ones I've seen + So seldom are clean, +And the clean ones so seldom are comical. +% +A LISP programmer knows the value of everything, +but the cost of nothing. + -- Alan Perlis +% A list is only as strong as its weakest link. -- Donald E. Knuth % @@ -5771,6 +7739,9 @@ A little experience often upsets a lot of theory. A little inaccuracy saves a world of explanation. -- C. E. Ayres % +A little inaccuracy sometimes saves tons of explanation. + -- H. H. Munroe a.k.a. Saki, "The Square Egg" (1924) +% A little kid went up to Santa and asked him, "Santa, you know when I'm bad right?" And Santa says, "Yes, I do." The little kid then asks, "And you know when I'm sleeping?" To which Santa replies, "Every minute." So the @@ -5795,8 +7766,24 @@ What am I? % A log may float in a river, but that does not make it a crocodile. % +A long memory is the most subversive idea in America. +% +A long-forgotten loved one will appear soon. Buy the negatives at any +price. +% +A Los Angeles judge ruled that "a citizen may snore with immunity in +his own home, even though he may be in possession of unusual and +exceptional ability in that particular field." +% A lost ounce of gold may be found, a lost moment of time never. % +A lot of people are afraid of heights. Not me. I'm afraid of widths. + -- Steve Wright +% +A lot of people I know believe in positive thinking, +and so do I. I believe everything positively stinks. + -- Lew Col +% A lover without indiscretion is no lover at all. -- Thomas Hardy % @@ -5952,6 +7939,12 @@ His errors are volitional and are the portals of discovery. % A man paints with his brains and not with his hands. % +A man said to the Universe: + "Sir, I exist!" + "However," replied the Universe, + "the fact has not created in me a sense of obligation." + -- Stephen Crane +% A man took his wife deer hunting for the first time. After he'd given her some basic instructions, they agreed to separate and rendezvous later. Before he left, he warned her if she should fell a deer to be wary of hunters who @@ -6028,6 +8021,8 @@ turn be analyzed and prevented by predicting that it would occur, then man would deliberately go mad to prove his point. -- Feodor Dostoevsky, "Notes From the Underground" % +A man wrapped up in himself makes a very small package. +% A man's best friend is his dogma. % A man's gotta know his limitations. @@ -6060,6 +8055,9 @@ from her body than could be contained in a cylinder 4 feet in diameter and 6 feet high." The engineer says: "I think she's sitting in a puddle." % +A mathematician is a device for converting coffee into theorems. + -- P. Erdos +% A meeting is an event at which the minutes are kept and the hours are lost. % @@ -6071,6 +8069,33 @@ A method of solution is perfect if we can foresee from the start, and even prove, that following that method we shall attain our aim. -- Gottfried Wilhelm Leibniz % +A Mexican newspaper reports that bored Royal Air Force pilots stationed +on the Falkland Islands have devised what they consider a marvelous new +game. Noting that the local penguins are fascinated by airplanes, the +pilots search out a beach where the birds are gathered and fly slowly +along it at the water's edge. Perhaps ten thousand penguins turn their +heads in unison watching the planes go by, and when the pilots turn +around and fly back, the birds turn their heads in the opposite +direction, like spectators at a slow-motion tennis match. Then, the +paper reports, "The pilots fly out to sea and directly to the penguin +colony and overfly it. Heads go up, up, up, and ten thousand penguins +fall over gently onto their backs. + -- Audubon Society Magazine + +[From the BBC, 2001-02-02: + For five weeks, a team from the British Antarctic Survey (BAS) +monitored 1,000 king penguins on the island of South Georgia as Lynx +helicopters passed overhead. + "Not one king penguin fell over when the helicopters came over," +said team leader Dr. Richard Stone. + "As the aircraft approached, the birds went quiet and stopped +calling to each other, and adolescent birds that were not associated +with nests began walking away from the noise. Pure animal instinct, +really." + The conclusion, said Dr. Stone, is that flights over 305 metres +(1,000 feet) caused "only minor and transitory ecological effects" on +king penguins.] +% A mighty creature is the germ, Though smaller than the pachyderm. His customary dwelling place @@ -6132,6 +8157,11 @@ A national debt, if it is not excessive, will be to us a national blessing. -- Alexander Hamilton % +A neighbor came to Nasrudin, asking to borrow his donkey. "It is out +on loan," the teacher replied. At that moment, the donkey brayed +loudly inside the stable. "But I can hear it bray, over there." "Whom +do you believe," asked Nasrudin, "me or a donkey?" +% A new 'chutist had just jumped from the plane at 10,000 feet, and soon discovered that all his lines were hopelessly tangled. At about 5,000 feet, still struggling, he noticed someone coming up from the ground at about the @@ -6140,6 +8170,21 @@ same speed as he was going towards the ground. As they passed each other at The reply came, fading towards the end, "NO! DO YOU KNOW ANYTHING ABOUT COLEMAN STOVES?" % +A new dramatist of the absurd +Has a voice that will shortly be heard. + I learn from my spies + He's about to devise +An unprintable three-letter word. +% +A new koan: + If you have some ice cream, I will give it to you. + If you have no ice cream, I will take it away from you. +It is an ice cream koan. +% +A new supply of round tuits has arrived and are available from Mary. +Anyone who has been putting off work until they got a `round tuit' +now has no excuse for further procrastination. +% A new taste had been acquired and a new appetite began to grow. The time had long since arrived to crush the technical intelligentsia, which had come to regard itself as too irreplaceable and had not gotten used to @@ -6156,6 +8201,13 @@ small, hard pills, and gave the intruder a "prescription" which he thinks will go far towards curing the rascal of a very bad ailment. -- Nevada Morning Transcript, January 30, 1861 % +A New York City judge ruled that if two women behind you at the movies +insist on discussing the probable outcome of the film, you have the +right to turn around and blow a Bronx cheer at them. +% +A New York City ordinance prohibits the shooting of rabbits from the +rear of a Third Avenue street car -- if the car is in motion. +% A New Yorker is riding down the road in his new Mercedes. So intent is he on the cocaine in his hand he completely misses a turn and his car plunges over the five-hundred-foot cliff to be smashed into pieces at the bottom. @@ -6189,6 +8241,10 @@ A newspaper is a circulating library with high blood pressure. A nickel ain't worth a dime anymore. -- Yogi Berra % +A "No" uttered from deepest conviction is better and greater than a +"Yes" merely uttered to please, or what is worse, to avoid trouble. + -- Mahatma Gandhi +% A novice asked the Master: "Here is a programmer that never designs, documents or tests his programs. Yet all who know him consider him one of the bests programmer in the world. Why is this?" @@ -6219,6 +8275,14 @@ His Master is kind, Answering his FAQ quickly, With thought and sarcasm. % +A novice was trying to fix a broken Lisp machine by turning the power +off and on. Knight, seeing what the student was doing spoke sternly: +"You can not fix a machine by just power-cycling it with no +understanding of what is going wrong." Knight turned the machine off +and on. The machine worked. +% +A nuclear war can ruin your whole day. +% A pain in the ass of major dimensions. -- C. A. Desoer, on the solution of non-linear circuits % @@ -6234,6 +8298,9 @@ A paranoid is a man who knows a little of what's going on. % A pat on the back is only a few centimeters from a kick in the pants. % +A pedestal is as much a prison as any small, confined space. + -- Gloria Steinem +% A pencil with no point needs no eraser. % "A penny for your thoughts?" @@ -6244,6 +8311,8 @@ A penny saved has not been spent. % A penny saved is a penny taxed. % +A penny saved is ridiculous. +% A penny saved kills your career in government. % A people living under the perpetual menace of war and invasion is very easy to @@ -6261,6 +8330,8 @@ unspoken admiration, what a monster, I say, would such a female be! % A person forgives only when they are in the wrong. % +A person is just about as big as the things that make them angry. +% A person who has nothing looks at all there is and wants something. A person who has something looks at all there is and wants all the rest. % @@ -6271,6 +8342,9 @@ schooled in machine language, since it is a fundamental part of a computer. A pessimist is a man who has been compelled to live with an optimist. -- Elbert Hubbard % +A physicist is an atom's way of knowing about atoms. + -- George Wald +% A pickup with three guys in it pulls into the lumber yard. One of the men gets out and goes into the office. "I need some four-by-two's," he says. @@ -6287,6 +8361,17 @@ check," he says. conversation. The guy comes back into the office. "A long time," he says, "we're building a house". % +A pig is a jolly companion, +Boar, sow, barrow, or gilt -- +A pig is a pal, who'll boost your morale, +Though mountains may topple and tilt. +When they've blackballed, bamboozled, and burned you, +When they've turned on you, Tory and Whig, +Though you may be thrown over by Tabby and Rover, +You'll never go wrong with a pig, a pig, +You'll never go wrong with a pig! + -- Thomas Pynchon, "Gravity's Rainbow" +% A pipe gives a wise man time to think and a fool something to stick in his mouth. % @@ -6331,6 +8416,9 @@ A possum must be himself, and being himself he is honest. % A pound of salt will not sweeten a single cup of tea. % +A power so great, it can only be used for Good or Evil! + -- The Firesign Theatre, "The Giant Rat of Sumatra" +% A "practical joker" deserves applause for his wit according to its quality. Bastinado is about right. For exceptional wit one might grant keelhauling. But staking him out on an anthill should be reserved for the very wittiest. @@ -6349,6 +8437,23 @@ A pretty woman can do anything; an ugly woman must do everything. A priest advised Voltaire on his death bed to renounce the devil. Replied Voltaire, "This is no time to make new enemies." % +A priest asked: What is Fate, Master? + +And the Master answered: + It is that which gives a beast of burden its reason for existence. + It is that which men in former times had to bear upon their backs. + It is that which has caused nations to build byways from City to +City upon which carts and coaches pass, and alongside which inns have come +to be built to stave off Hunger, Thirst and Weariness. + + And that is Fate? said the priest. + + Fate ... I thought you said Freight, responded the Master. + + That's all right, said the priest. I wanted to know +what Freight was too. + -- Kehlog Albran, "The Profit" +% A prig is a fellow who is always making you a present of his opinions. -- George Eliot % @@ -6359,6 +8464,19 @@ asks you not to kill him. A private sin is not so prejudicial in the world as a public indecency. -- Miguel de Cervantes % +A professor is one who talks in someone else's sleep. +% +A programmer is a person who passes as an exacting expert on the basis +of being able to turn out, after innumerable punching, an infinite +series of incomprehensive answers calculated with micrometric +precisions from vague assumptions based on debatable figures taken from +inconclusive documents and carried out on instruments of problematical +accuracy by persons of dubious reliability and questionable mentality +for the avowed purpose of annoying and confounding a hopelessly +defenseless department that was unfortunate enough to ask for the +information in the first place. + -- IEEE Grid news magazine +% A programming language is low level when its programs require attention to the irrelevant. % @@ -6389,6 +8507,20 @@ A psychiatrist is a fellow who asks you a lot of expensive questions your wife asks you for nothing. -- Joey Adams % +A psychiatrist is a person who will give you expensive answers that +your wife will give you for free. +% +A public debt is a kind of anchor in the storm; but if the anchor be +too heavy for the vessel, she will be sunk by that very weight which +was intended for her preservation. + -- Colton +% +A putt that stops close enough to the cup to inspire such comments as +"you could blow it in" may be blown in. This rule does not apply if +the ball is more than three inches from the hole, because no one wants +to make a travesty of the game. + -- Donald A. Metz +% A rabbi and a priest are sitting together on a train, and the rabbi leans over and asks, "So, how high can you advance in your organization?" The priest replies, "Well, if I am lucky, I guess I could become a @@ -6406,10 +8538,32 @@ up from being the Pope?" "What?! I should be the Messiah himself?!" The rabbi leaned back and smiled. "One of our boys made it." % +A raccoon tangled with a 23,000 volt line today. The results +blacked out 1400 homes and, of course, one raccoon. + -- Steel City News +% A racially integrated community is a chronological term timed from the entrance of the first black family to the exit of the last white family. -- Saul Alinsky % +A radioactive cat has eighteen half-lives. +% +A reading from the Book of Armaments, Chapter 4, Verses 16 to 20: + +Then did he raise on high the Holy Hand Grenade of Antioch, saying, +"Bless this, O Lord, that with it thou mayst blow thine enemies to tiny +bits, in thy mercy." And the people did rejoice and did feast upon the +lambs and toads and tree-sloths and fruit-bats and orangutans and +breakfast cereals ... Now did the Lord say, "First thou pullest the +Holy Pin. Then thou must count to three. Three shall be the number of +the counting and the number of the counting shall be three. Four shalt +thou not count, neither shalt thou count two, excepting that thou then +proceedeth to three. Five is right out. Once the number three, being +the number of the counting, be reached, then lobbest thou the Holy Hand +Grenade in the direction of thine foe, who, being naughty in my sight, +shall snuff it." + -- Monty Python, "Monty Python and the Holy Grail" +% A real diplomat is one who can cut his neighbor's throat without having his neighbor notice it. -- Trygve Lie @@ -6431,6 +8585,18 @@ A real friend is someone you can use over and over again. A real gentleman never takes bases unless he really has to. -- Overheard in an algebra lecture % +A real patriot is the fellow who gets a parking ticket and rejoices +that the system works. +% +A real person has two reasons for doing anything ... a good reason and +the real reason. +% +A recent study has found that concentrating on difficult off-screen +objects, such as the faces of loved ones, causes eye strain in computer +scientists. Researchers into the phenomenon cite the added +concentration needed to "make sense" of such unnatural three +dimensional objects ... +% A rich man told me recently that a liberal is a man who tells other people what to do with their money. -- Imamu Amiri Baraka (Leroi Jones) @@ -6438,10 +8604,18 @@ people what to do with their money. A right is not what someone gives you; it's what no one can take from you. -- Ramsey Clark % +A Riverside, California, health ordinance states that two persons may +not kiss each other without first wiping their lips with carbolized +rosewater. +% A robin redbreast in a cage Puts all Heaven in a rage. -- Blake % +A rock pile ceases to be a rock pile the moment a single man +contemplates it, bearing within him the image of a cathedral. + -- Antoine de Saint-Exupery +% A rolling disk gathers no MOS. % A rolling stone gathers momentum. @@ -6527,6 +8701,11 @@ recognition of such facts as that unsupported stones always fall to the ground. -- J. W. N. Sullivan % +A sense of humor keen enough to show a man his own absurdities will +keep him from the commission of all sins, or nearly all, save those +that are worth committing. + -- Samuel Butler +% A sequel is an admission that you've been reduced to imitating yourself. -- Don Marquis % @@ -6546,6 +8725,9 @@ is to substitute moral outrage for analysis. % A shortcut is the longest distance between two points. % +A sine curve goes off to infinity, or at least the end of the blackboard. + -- Prof. Steiner +% A single death is a tragedy, a million deaths is a statistic. -- Joseph Stalin % @@ -6640,12 +8822,37 @@ will be up to. Individuals vary, but percentages remain constant. So says the statistician." -- Sherlock Holmes, "The Sign of Four" % +A straw vote only shows which way the hot air blows. + -- O'Henry +% +A strong conviction that something must be done is the parent of many +bad measures. + -- Daniel Webster +% +A student, in hopes of understanding the Lambda-nature, came to +Greenblatt. As they spoke a Multics system hacker walked by. "Is it +true," asked the student, "that PL-1 has many of the same data types as +Lisp?" Almost before the student had finished his question, Greenblatt +shouted, "FOO!", and hit the student with a stick. +% +A student who changes the course of history is probably taking an exam. +% A stunning blonde, but probably all bean dip above the eyebrows. % +A successful [software] tool is one that was used to do something +undreamed of by its author. + -- S. C. Johnson +% A synonym is a word you use when you can't spell the word you first thought of. -- Burt Bacharach % +A system admin's life is a sorry one. The only advantage he has over +Emergency Room doctors is that malpractice suits are rare. On the +other hand, ER doctors never have to deal with patients installing +new versions of their own innards! + -- Michael O'Brien +% A Tale of Two Cities LITE(tm) -- by Charles Dickens @@ -6687,6 +8894,8 @@ The Odyssey LITE(tm) % A tall, dark stranger will have more fun than you. % +A tautology is a thing which is tautological. +% A team effort is a lot of people doing what I say. -- Michael Winner, British film director % @@ -6703,10 +8912,17 @@ A thing is not necessarily true because a man dies for it. A timely marriage: one made before your children start nagging you about it. -- Diane Duane % +A total abstainer is one who abstains from everything but abstention, +and especially from inactivity in the affairs of others. + -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary" +% A total abstainer is one who abstains from everything but abstention, and especially from inactivity in the affairs of others. -- Ambrose Bierce % +A transistor protected by a fast-acting fuse will protect the fuse by +blowing first. +% A traveling salesman was driving past a farm when he saw a pig with three wooden legs executing a magnificent series of backflips and cartwheels. Intrigued, he drove up to the farmhouse, where he found an old farmer @@ -6725,6 +8941,9 @@ three wooden legs?" The farmer stared at the newcomer in amazement. "Mister, when you got an amazin' pig like that, you don't eat him all at once." % +A triangle which has an angle of 135 degrees is called an obscene +triangle. +% A true artist will let his wife starve, his children go barefoot, his mother drudge for his living at seventy, sooner than work at anything but his art. -- Shaw @@ -6732,15 +8951,40 @@ drudge for his living at seventy, sooner than work at anything but his art. A truly great man will neither trample on a worm nor sneak to an emperor. -- Benjamin Franklin % +A truly wise man never plays leapfrog with a unicorn. +% A truly wise woman never plays leapfrog with a unicorn. % A truth that's told with bad intent Beats all the lies you can invent. -- William Blake % +A university is what a college becomes +when the faculty loses interest in students. + -- John Ciardi +% +A University without students is like an ointment without a fly. + -- Ed Nather, professor of astronomy at UT Austin +% +A UNIX saleslady, Lenore, +Enjoys work, but she likes the beach more. + She found a good way + To combine work and play: +She sells C shells by the seashore. +% +A vacuum is a hell of a lot better than some of the stuff that nature +replaces it with. + -- Tennessee Williams +% A verbal contract isn't worth the paper it's written on. -- Samuel Goldwyn % +A very intelligent turtle +Found programming UNIX a hurdle + The system, you see, + Ran as slow as did he, +And that's not saying much for the turtle. +% A violent man will die a violent death. -- Lao Tsu % @@ -6755,6 +8999,9 @@ A waist is a terrible thing to mind. % A watched clock never boils. % +A well adjusted person is one who makes the same mistake twice without +getting nervous. +% A well-known friend is a treasure. % A well-used door needs no oil on its hinges. @@ -6781,6 +9028,21 @@ of a well than a fool can from a mountain top. A wise person makes his own decisions, a weak one obeys public opinion. -- Chinese proverb % +A witty saying proves nothing. + -- Voltaire +% +A witty saying proves nothing, but saying something pointless gets +people's attention. +% +A wizard cannot do everything; a fact most magicians are reticent to +admit, let alone discuss with prospective clients. Still, the fact +remains that there are certain objects, and people, that are, for one +reason or another, completely immune to any direct magical spell. It +is for this group of beings that the magician learns the subtleties of +using indirect spells. It also does no harm, in dealing with these +matters, to carry a large club near your person at all times. + -- The Teachings of Ebenezum, Volume VIII +% A woman can look both moral and exciting -- if she also looks as if it were quite a struggle. -- Edna Ferber @@ -6878,6 +9140,9 @@ what he writes fiction. A yawn is a silent shout. -- G. K. Chesterton % +A year spent in artificial intelligence is enough to make one believe +in God. +% A young girl once committed suicide because her mother refused her a new bonnet. Coroner's verdict: "Death from excessive spunk." -- Sacramento Daily Union, September 13, 1860 @@ -6926,6 +9191,14 @@ A: "A symphony is a very complex musical form, perhaps you should begin with Q: "But Herr Mozart, you were writing symphonies when you were 8 years old." A: "But I never asked anybody how." % +A.A.A.A.A.: + An organization for drunks who drive +% +AAAAAAAAAaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaccccccccckkkkkk!!!!!!!!! +You brute! Knock before entering a ladies room! +% +Abandon the search for Truth; settle for a good fantasy. +% Abbott's Admonitions: 1: If you have to ask, you're not entitled to know. 2: If you don't like the answer, you shouldn't have asked @@ -6962,6 +9235,9 @@ About the only thing on a farm that has an easy time is the dog. About the only thing we have left that actually discriminates in favor of the plain people is the stork. % +About the time we think we can make ends meet, somebody moves the ends. + -- Herbert Hoover +% About the use of language: it is impossible to sharpen a pencil with a blunt ax. It is equally vain to try to do it with ten blunt axes instead. -- Edsger W. Dijkstra @@ -6993,6 +9269,8 @@ it enkindles the great. % Absence makes the heart forget. % +Absence makes the heart go wander. +% Absence makes the heart grow fonder. -- Sextus Aurelius % @@ -7000,9 +9278,23 @@ Absence makes the heart grow fonder -- of somebody else. % Absence makes the heart grow frantic. % +Absent, adj.: + Exposed to the attacks of friends and acquaintances; defamed; +slandered. +% +Absentee, n.: + A person with an income who has had the forethought to remove +himself from the sphere of exaction. + -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary" +% Absolutum obsoletum. (If it works, it's out of date.) -- Stafford Beer % +Abstainer, n.: + A weak person who yields to the temptation of denying himself a +pleasure. + -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary" +% Abstract: This study examined the incidence of neckwear tightness among a group of 94 white-collar working men and the effect of a tight business-shirt collar @@ -7017,6 +9309,15 @@ immediately when tight neckwear was removed. Neck in Relation to Visual Performance." Human Factors 29, #1 (Feb. 1987), pp. 67-71. % +Absurdity, n.: + A statement or belief manifestly inconsistent with one's own +opinion. + -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary" +% +Academic politics is the most vicious and bitter form of politics, +because the stakes are so low. + -- Wallace Sayre +% Academics care, that's who. % ACADEMY: @@ -7031,6 +9332,11 @@ Accept people for what they are -- completely unacceptable. ACCEPTANCE TESTING: An unsuccessful attempt to find bugs. % +Accident, n.: + A condition in which presence of mind is good, but absence of +body is better. + -- Foolish Dictionary +% Accidentally Shot Colonel Gray, of Petaluma, came near losing his life a few days ago, in a singular manner. A gentleman with whom he was hunting attempted to @@ -7038,6 +9344,15 @@ bring down a dove, but instead of doing so put the load of shot through the Colonel's hat. One shot took effect in his forehead. -- Sacramento Daily Union, April 20, 1861 % +Accidents cause History. + +If Sigismund Unbuckle had taken a walk in 1426 and met Wat Tyler, the +Peasant's Revolt would never have happened and the motor car would not +have been invented until 2026, which would have meant that all the oil +could have been used for lamps, thus saving the electric light bulb and +the whale, and nobody would have caught Moby Dick or Billy Budd. + -- Mike Harding, "The Armchair Anarchist's Almanac" +% According to a recent and unscientific national survey, smiling is something everyone should do at least 6 times a day. In an effort to increase the national average (the US ranks third among the world's superpowers in @@ -7053,11 +9368,52 @@ sheepish grin" comes from. According to all the latest reports, there was no truth in any of the earlier reports. % +According to Arkansas law, Section 4761, Pope's Digest: "No person +shall be permitted under any pretext whatever, to come nearer than +fifty feet of any door or window of any polling room, from the opening +of the polls until the completion of the count and the certification of +the returns." +% According to convention there is a sweet and a bitter, a hot and a cold, and according to convention, there is an order. In truth, there are atoms and a void. -- Democritus, 400 B.C. % +According to Kentucky state law, every person must take a bath at least +once a year. +% +According to my best recollection, I don't remember. + -- Vincent "Jimmy Blue Eyes" Alo +% +According to the latest official figures, 43% of all statistics are +totally worthless. +% +According to the obituary notices, a mean and unimportant person never +dies. +% +According to the Rand McNally Places-Rated Almanac, the best place to +live in America is the city of Pittsburgh. The city of New York came +in twenty-fifth. Here in New York we really don't care too much. +Because we know that we could beat up their city anytime. + -- David Letterman +% +Accordion, n.: + A bagpipe with pleats. +% +Accuracy, n.: + The vice of being right. +% +Acid -- better living through chemistry. +% +Acid absorbs 47 times its own weight in excess Reality. +% +Acquaintance, n.: + A person whom we know well enough to borrow from, but not well +enough to lend to. + -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary" +% +Acting is an art which consists of keeping the audience from coughing. +% Acting is not very hard. The most important things are to be able to laugh and cry. If I have to cry, I think of my sex life. And if I have to laugh, well, I think of my sex life. @@ -7075,6 +9431,18 @@ Richard Burton Richard Jenkins Jr. Roy Rogers Leonard Slye Woody Allen Allen Stewart Konigsberg % +Actor: "I'm a smash hit. Why, yesterday during the last act, I had + everyone glued in their seats!" +Oliver Herford: "Wonderful! Wonderful! Clever of you to think of + it!" +% +Actor: So what do you do for a living? +Doris: I work for a company that makes deceptively shallow serving + dishes for Chinese restaurants. + -- Woody Allen, "Without Feathers" +% +Actors will happen even in the best-regulated families. +% Actresses will happen in the best regulated families. -- Addison Mizner and Oliver Herford, "The Entirely New Cynic's Calendar", 1905 @@ -7100,6 +9468,12 @@ ADA: Something you need to know the name of to be an Expert in Computing. Useful in sentences like, "We had better develop an ADA awareness." % +ADA, n.: + Something you need only know the name of to be an Expert in +Computing. Useful in sentences like, "We had better develop an ADA +awareness." + -- "Datamation", January 15, 1984 +% Adde parvum parvo manus acervus erit. [Add little to little and there will be a big pile.] -- Ovid @@ -7128,6 +9502,24 @@ Adler's Distinction: Language is all that separates us from the lower animals, and from the bureaucrats. % +Admiration, n.: + Our polite recognition of another's resemblance to ourselves. + -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary" +% +Adolescence, n.: + The stage between puberty and adultery. +% +"Adopted kids are such a pain -- you have to teach them how to look +like you ..." + -- Gilda Radner +% +Adore, v.: + To venerate expectantly. + -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary" +% +Adult, n.: + One old enough to know better. +% Adults die young. % Advancement in position. @@ -7136,6 +9528,10 @@ Advertisements contain the only truths to be relied on in a newspaper. -- Thomas Jefferson % +Advertising is a valuable economic factor because it is the cheapest +way of selling goods, particularly if the goods are worthless. + -- Sinclair Lewis +% Advertising is the rattling of a stick inside a swill bucket. -- George Orwell % @@ -7151,6 +9547,9 @@ Advice from an old carpenter: measure twice, saw once. % Advice is a dangerous gift; be cautious about giving and receiving it. % +Advice to young men: Be ascetic, and if you can't be ascetic, +then at least be aseptic. +% African violet: Such worth is rare Apple blossom: Preference Bachelor's button: Celibacy @@ -7185,6 +9584,14 @@ especially that which is prohibited. -- Newton Minow, Speech to the Association of American Law Schools, 1985 % +After a few boring years, socially meaningful rock 'n' roll died out. +It was replaced by disco, which offers no guidance to any form of life +more advanced than the lichen family. + -- Dave Barry, "Kids Today: They Don't Know Dum Diddly + Do" +% +After a number of decimal places, nobody gives a damn. +% After a while you learn the subtle difference Between holding a hand and chaining a soul, And you learn that love doesn't mean security, @@ -7218,9 +9625,32 @@ Need we say it was not love, Just because it perished? -- Edna St. Vincent Millay % +After all, what is your hosts' purpose in having a party? Surely not +for you to enjoy yourself; if that were their sole purpose, they'd have +simply sent champagne and women over to your place by taxi. + -- P. J. O'Rourke +% +After an instrument has been assembled, +extra components will be found on the bench. +% After any salary raise, you will have less money at the end of the month than you did before. % +After [Benjamin] Franklin came a herd of Electrical Pioneers whose +names have become part of our electrical terminology: Myron Volt, Mary +Louise Amp, James Watt, Bob Transformer, etc. These pioneers conducted +many important electrical experiments. For example, in 1780 Luigi +Galvani discovered (this is the truth) that when he attached two +different kinds of metal to the leg of a frog, an electrical current +developed and the frog's leg kicked, even though it was no longer +attached to the frog, which was dead anyway. Galvani's discovery led +to enormous advances in the field of amphibian medicine. Today, +skilled veterinary surgeons can take a frog that has been seriously +injured or killed, implant pieces of metal in its muscles, and watch it +hop back into the pond just like a normal frog, except for the fact +that it sinks like a stone. + -- Dave Barry, "What is Electricity?" +% After his legs had been broken in an accident, Mr. Miller sued for damages, claiming that he was crippled and would have to spend the rest of his life in a wheelchair. Although the insurance-company doctor testified that his @@ -7235,6 +9665,16 @@ perjury. Here's the money. What do you intend to do with it?" Stockholm, Berlin, Rome, Athens and, finally, to a place called Lourdes -- where, gentlemen, you'll see yourselves one hell of a miracle." % +"After I asked him what he meant, he replied that freedom consisted of +the unimpeded right to get rich, to use his ability, no matter what the +cost to others, to win advancement." + -- Norman Thomas +% +After I run your program, let's make love like crazed weasels, OK? +% +After living in New York, you trust nobody, +but you believe everything. Just in case. +% ...[after the announcement of Vanguard] ... Secretary of Defense Charles Wilson (the same "Engine Charlie" who once told the Senate, "[F]or years I've thought that what was good for our country was good for General Motors, @@ -7254,6 +9694,10 @@ with which the shirts could be used as surrender flags. Some Iraqi soldiers carried bleach with them to make their dark shirts white. -- Chuck Shepherd, Funny Times, May 1991 % +After the last of 16 mounting screws has been removed from an access +cover, it will be discovered that the wrong access cover has been +removed. +% After this was written there appeared a remarkable posthumous memoir that throws some doubt on Millikan's leading role in these experiments. Harvey Fletcher (1884-1981), who was a graduate student at the University of Chicago, @@ -7296,6 +9740,13 @@ indeed, arroz in Spanish Harlem. % After your lover has gone you will still have PEANUT BUTTER! % +Afternoon, n.: + That part of the day we spend worrying about how we wasted the +morning. +% +Afternoon very favorable for romance. Try a single person for a +change. +% Against Idleness and Mischief How doth the little busy bee How skillfully she builds her cell! @@ -7314,9 +9765,18 @@ Against stupidity the very gods Themselves contend in vain. % Age and treachery will always overcome youth and skill. % +Age before beauty; and pearls before swine. + -- Dorothy Parker +% Age is a tyrant who forbids, at the penalty of life, all the pleasures of youth. % +Age, n.: + That period of life in which we compound for the vices that we +still cherish by reviling those that we no longer have the enterprise +to commit. + -- Ambrose Bierce +% Agnes' Law: Almost everything in life is easier to get into than out of. % @@ -7326,16 +9786,34 @@ Ah, but a man's grasp should exceed his reach, Or what's a heaven for ? -- Robert Browning, "Andrea del Sarto" % +Ah, but the choice of dreams to live, +there's the rub. + +For all dreams are not equal, +some exit to nightmare +most end with the dreamer + +But at least one must be lived ... and died. +% Ah, my friends, from the prison, they ask unto me, "How good, how good does it feel to be free?" And I answer them most mysteriously: "Are birds free from the chains of the sky-way?" -- Bob Dylan % +Ah say, son, you're about as sharp as a bowlin' ball. +% Ah, sweet Springtime, when a young man lightly turns his fancy over! % Ah, the Tsar's bazaar's bizarre beaux-arts! % +"Ah, you know the type. They like to blame it all on the Jews or the +Blacks, 'cause if they couldn't, they'd have to wake up to the fact +that life's one big, scary, glorious, complex and ultimately +unfathomable crapshoot -- and the only reason THEY can't seem to keep +up is they're a bunch of misfits and losers." + -- An analysis of Neo-Nazis, from "The Badger" comic +% Ahead warp factor one, Mr. Sulu. % Ahhhhhh... the smell of cuprinol and mahogany. It @@ -7364,6 +9842,8 @@ AIR: Air Force Inertia Axiom: Consistency is always easier to defend than correctness. % +Air is water with holes in it. +% Air pollution is really making us pay through the nose. % Airplanes are interesting toys but of no military value. @@ -7381,6 +9861,9 @@ as relevant as the question of whether submarines can swim. Alas, how love can trifle with itself! -- William Shakespeare, "The Two Gentlemen of Verona" % +Alas, I am dying beyond my means. + -- Oscar Wilde, as he sipped champagne on his deathbed +% ALASKA: A prelude to "No." % @@ -7390,6 +9873,12 @@ a beginning and an end. Camus clearly got up on the wrong side of bed, and Robbins must have forgotten to set the alarm. -- Tom Robbins % +Albert Einstein, when asked to describe radio, replied: "You see, wire +telegraph is a kind of a very, very long cat. You pull his tail in New +York and his head is meowing in Los Angeles. Do you understand this? +And radio operates exactly the same way: you send signals here, they +receive them there. The only difference is that there is no cat." +% ALBRECHT'S LAW: Social innovations tend to the level of minimum tolerable well-being. @@ -7401,6 +9890,22 @@ The surest poison is time. Alcohol is the anesthesia by which we endure the operation of life. -- George Bernard Shaw % +Alden's Laws: + (1) Giving away baby clothes and furniture is the major cause + of pregnancy. + (2) Always be backlit. + (3) Sit down whenever possible. +% +Aleph-null bottles of beer on the wall, +Aleph-null bottles of beer, +You take one down, and pass it around, +Aleph-null bottles of beer on the wall. +% +Alex Haley was adopted! +% +Alexander Graham Bell is alive and well in New York, and still waiting +for a dial tone. +% Alexander Hamilton started the U.S. Treasury with nothing - and that was the closest our country has ever been to being even. -- The Best of Will Rogers @@ -7419,6 +9924,10 @@ ALGORITHM: % Alimony and bribes will engage a large share of your wealth. % +Alimony is a system by which, when two people make a mistake, one of +them keeps paying for it. + -- Peggy Joyce +% Alimony is like buying oats for a dead horse. -- Arthur Baer % @@ -7445,6 +9954,10 @@ All bad precedents began as justifiable measures. -- Gaius Julius Caesar, quoted in "The Conspiracy of Catiline", by Sallust % +All bridge hands are equally likely, but some are more equally likely +than others. + -- Alan Truscott +% All business is based on the mutual trust of one of the parts. -- Poul Henningsen (1894-1967) % @@ -7453,6 +9966,15 @@ All constants are variables. All diplomacy is a continuation of war by other means. -- Chou En Lai % +All extremists should be taken out and shot. +% +All Finagle Laws may be bypassed by learning the simple art of doing +without thinking. +% +All flesh is grass. + -- Isaiah 40:6 +Smoke a friend today. +% All generalizations are false, including this one. -- Mark Twain % @@ -7478,6 +10000,14 @@ to the future. Never his mind on where he was, on what he was doing. All hope abandon, ye who enter here! -- Dante Alighieri % +All I ask is a chance to prove that money can't make me happy. +% +All I ask of life is a constant and exaggerated sense of my own +importance. +% +All I can think of is a platter of organic PRUNE CRISPS being trampled +by an army of swarthy, Italian LOUNGE SINGERS ... +% All I kin say is when you finds yo'self wanderin' in a peach orchard, ya don't go lookin' for rutabagas. -- Kingfish @@ -7503,6 +10033,9 @@ I want a bottle of Red Eye that's always filled, I like to have a cattle ranch in Beverly Hills. -- Country Joe and the Fish, "Zachariah" % +All I want is a warm bed and a kind word and unlimited power. + -- Ashleigh Brilliant +% All intelligent species own cats. % All is fear in love and war. @@ -7526,6 +10059,10 @@ All laws are simulations of reality. All life evolves by the differential survival of replicating entities. -- Richard Dawkins % +All men are mortal. Socrates was mortal. Therefore, all men are +Socrates. + -- Woody Allen +% All men have the right to wait in line. % All men know the utility of useful things; @@ -7546,11 +10083,18 @@ and exaggerated sense of their own importance. % All most people want is a little more than they'll ever get. % +All my friends and I are crazy. +That's the only thing that keeps us sane. +% All my friends are getting married, Yes, they're all growing old, They're all staying home on the weekend, They're all doing what they're told. % +All my life I wanted to be someone; I guess I should have been more +specific. + -- Jane Wagner +% ALL NEW: Parts not interchangeable with previous model. % @@ -7566,12 +10110,19 @@ rob a department store... with a pricing gun... She said, "Give me all of the money in the vault, or I'm marking down everything in the store." -- Stephen Wright % +All of the true things I am about to tell you are shameless lies. + -- Kurt Vonnegut, Jr., "The Book of Bokonon" +% All of us should treasure his Oriental wisdom and his preaching of a Zen-like detachment, as exemplified by his constant reminder to clerks, tellers, or others who grew excited by his presence in their banks: "Just lie down on the floor and keep calm." -- Robert Wilson, "John Dillinger Died for You" % +All other things being equal, a bald man cannot be elected President of +the United States. + -- Vic Gold +% All parts should go together without forcing. You must remember that the parts you are reassembling were disassembled by you. Therefore, if you can't get them together again, there must be a reason. By all means, do @@ -7587,6 +10138,8 @@ All phone calls are obscene. All possibility of understanding is rooted in the ability to say no. -- Susan Sontag % +All power corrupts, but we need electricity. +% All programmers are optimists. Perhaps this modern sorcery especially attracts those who believe in happy endings and fairy godmothers. Perhaps the hundreds of nitty frustrations drive away all but those who habitually focus on the end @@ -7596,10 +10149,25 @@ the result is indisputable: "This time it will surely run," or "I just found the last bug." -- Frederick Brooks Jr., "The Mythical Man Month" % +All programmers are playwrights and all computers are lousy actors. +% +All progress is based upon a universal innate desire on the part of +every organism to live beyond its income. + -- Samuel Butler, "Notebooks" +% +All science is either physics or stamp collecting. + -- Ernest Rutherford +% All seems condemned in the long run to approximate a state akin to Gaussian noise. -- James Martin % +All snakes who wish to remain in Ireland will please raise their right +hands. + -- Saint Patrick +% +All syllogisms have three parts, therefore this is not a syllogism. +% All that glitters has a high refractive index. % All that glitters is not gold; all that wander are not lost. @@ -7614,6 +10182,15 @@ Renewed shall be blade that was broken, The crownless again shall be king. -- J. R. R. Tolkien % +All the big corporations depreciate their possessions, and you can, +too, provided you use them for business purposes. For example, if you +subscribe to the Wall Street Journal, a business-related newspaper, you +can deduct the cost of your house, because, in the words of U.S. +Supreme Court Chief Justice Warren Burger in a landmark 1979 tax +decision: "Where else are you going to read the paper? Outside? What +if it rains?" + -- Dave Barry, "Sweating Out Taxes" +% All the evidence concerning the universe has not yet been collected, so there's still hope. % @@ -7641,23 +10218,62 @@ But none was as great as All the men on my staff can type. -- Bella Abzug % +All the passions make us commit faults; love makes us commit the most +ridiculous ones. + -- La Rochefoucauld +% All the really good ideas I ever had came to me while I was milking a cow. -- Grant Wood % All the simple programs have been written. % +All the taxes paid over a lifetime by the average American are spent by +the government in less than a second. + -- Jim Fiebig +% All the troubles you have will pass away very quickly. % +All the world's a stage and most of us are desperately unrehearsed. + -- Sean O'Casey +% +All the world's a VAX, +And all the coders merely butchers; +They have their exits and their entrails; +And one int in his time plays many widths, +His sizeof being _N bytes. At first the infant, +Mewling and puking in the Regent's arms. +And then the whining schoolboy, with his Sun, +And shining morning face, creeping like slug +Unwillingly to school. + -- A Very Annoyed PDP-11 +% +All theoretical chemistry is really physics; +and all theoretical chemists know it. + -- Richard P. Feynman +% All things are possible, except for skiing through a revolving door. % +All things are possible, except skiing thru a revolving door. +% All things being equal, you are bound to lose. % All things that are, are with more spirit chased than enjoyed. -- William Shakespeare, "Merchant of Venice" % +All this wheeling and dealing around, why, it isn't for money, +it's for fun. Money's just the way we keep score. + -- Henry Tyroon +% +All true wisdom is found on T-shirts. +% All warranty and guarantee clauses become null and void upon payment of invoice. % +All wars are civil wars, because all men are brothers ... Each one owes +infinitely more to the human race than to the particular country in +which he was born. + -- Francois Fenelon +% All we know is the phenomenon: we spend our time sending messages to each other, talking and trying to listen at the same time, exchanging information. This seems to be our most urgent biological function; it is what we do with @@ -7670,15 +10286,31 @@ Happiness was born a twin. % All your files have been destroyed (sorry). Paul. % +All [zoos] actually offer to the public in return for the taxes spent +upon them is a form of idle and witless amusement, compared to which a +visit to a penitentiary, or even to a State legislature in session, is +informing, stimulating and ennobling. + -- H. L. Mencken +% Allen's Axiom: When all else fails, read the instructions. % +Alliance, n.: + In international politics, the union of two thieves who have +their hands so deeply inserted in each other's pocket that they cannot +separately plunder a third. + -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary" +% All's well that ends. % Almost anything derogatory you could say about today's software design would be accurate. -- K. E. Iverson % +Alone, adj.: + In bad company. + -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary" +% Also, the Scots are said to have invented golf. Then they had to invent Scotch whiskey to take away the pain and frustration. % @@ -7697,6 +10329,10 @@ dada, n: Information, esp. information organized for analysis or computation. -- Massachewsetts Unabridged Dictionary % +Although golf was originally restricted to wealthy, overweight +Protestants, today it's open to anybody who owns hideous clothing. + -- Dave Barry +% Although it is still a truism in industry that "no one was ever fired for buying IBM," Bill O'Neil, the chief technology officer at Drexel Burnham Lambert, says he knows for a fact that someone has been fired for just that @@ -7706,6 +10342,35 @@ bought it because I figured it was safe to buy IBM,'" Mr. O'Neil says. "I said, 'No. Wrong. Game over. Next contestant, please.'" -- The Wall Street Journal, December 6, 1989 % +Although the moon is smaller than the earth, it is farther away. +% +Although we modern persons tend to take our electric lights, radios, +mixers, etc., for granted, hundreds of years ago people did not have +any of these things, which is just as well because there was no place +to plug them in. Then along came the first Electrical Pioneer, +Benjamin Franklin, who flew a kite in a lighting storm and received a +serious electrical shock. This proved that lighting was powered by the +same force as carpets, but it also damaged Franklin's brain so severely +that he started speaking only in incomprehensible maxims, such as "A +penny saved is a penny earned." Eventually he had to be given a job +running the post office. + -- Dave Barry, "What is Electricity?" +% +Although written many years ago, Lady Chatterley's Lover has just been +reissued by the Grove Press, and this pictorial account of the +day-to-day life of an English gamekeeper is full of considerable +interest to outdoor minded readers, as it contains many passages on +pheasant-raising, the apprehending of poachers, ways to control vermin, +and other chores and duties of the professional gamekeeper. +Unfortunately, one is obliged to wade through many pages of extraneous +material in order to discover and savour those sidelights on the +management of a midland shooting estate, and in this reviewer's opinion +the book cannot take the place of J. R. Miller's "Practical +Gamekeeping." + -- Ed Zern, "Field and Stream" (Nov. 1959) +% +Always borrow money from a pessimist; he doesn't expect to be paid back. +% Always do right. This will gratify some people and astonish the rest. -- Mark Twain % @@ -7713,6 +10378,8 @@ Always draw your curves, then plot your reading. % Always leave room to add an explanation if it doesn't work out. % +Always remember that you are unique. Just like everyone else. +% Always run from a knife and rush a gun. -- Jimmy Hoffa % @@ -7728,9 +10395,21 @@ Always think of something new; this helps you forget your last rotten idea. -- Seth Frankel % +"Always try to do things in chronological order; it's less confusing +that way." +% +Am I ranting? I hope so. My ranting gets raves. +% +Ambidextrous, adj.: + Able to pick with equal skill a right-hand pocket or a left. + -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary" +% AMBIGUITY: Telling the truth when you don't mean to. % +Ambition is a poor excuse for not having sense enough to be lazy. + -- Charlie McCarthy +% Ambition, n: An overmastering desire to be vilified by enemies while living and made ridiculous by friends when dead. @@ -7768,8 +10447,24 @@ by the majority they were at the time. America is the country where you buy a lifetime supply of aspirin for one dollar, and use it up in two weeks. % +America may be unique in being a country which has leapt +from barbarism to decadence without touching civilization. + -- John O'Hara +% +America was discovered by Amerigo Vespucci and was named after him, +until people got tired of living in a place called "Vespuccia" and +changed its name to "America". + -- Mike Harding, "The Armchair Anarchist's Almanac" +% America works less, when you say "Union Yes!" % +American business long ago gave up on demanding that prospective +employees be honest and hardworking. It has even stopped hoping for +employees who are educated enough that they can tell the difference +between the men's room and the women's room without having little +pictures on the doors. + -- Dave Barry, "Urine Trouble, Mister" +% American by birth; Texan by the grace of God. % American cars are made shoddily... @@ -7792,6 +10487,8 @@ to have been a phenomenon, not a civilization. % America's best buy for a quarter is a telephone call to the right person. % +Amnesia used to be my favorite word, but then I forgot it. +% AMOEBIT: Amoeba/rabbit cross; it can multiply and divide at the same time. @@ -7812,6 +10509,10 @@ in trouble and says "Beam me up, Scotty". % An adequate bootstrap is a contradiction in terms. % +An age is called Dark not because the light fails to shine, but because +people refuse to see it. + -- James Michener, "Space" +% An Aggie farmer was lifting his hogs, one by one, up to the branches of his apple trees to graze on the apples. A Texas student walked by and asked him, "Doesn't that take a lot of time?" @@ -7862,6 +10563,14 @@ R: "We don't ever want go abroad." A: "Well, what if you really HAVE to go abroad?" R: "We take tanks." % +An American's a person who isn't afraid to criticize +the president but is always polite to traffic cops. +% +An anthropologist at Tulane has just come back from a field trip to +New Guinea with reports of a tribe so primitive that they have Tide but +not new Tide with lemon-fresh Borax. + -- David Letterman +% An aphorism is never exactly true; it is either a half-truth or one-and-a-half truths. -- Karl Kraus @@ -7872,6 +10581,10 @@ him last. % An apple a day makes 365 apples a year. % +An apple every eight hours will keep three doctors away. +% +An artist should be fit for the best society and keep out of it. +% An atheist is a man with no invisible means of support. % An atom-blaster is a good weapon, but it can point both ways. @@ -7894,6 +10607,16 @@ this pure young man must be!" -- W. S. Gilbert, "Patience" [The subject of the humour is, of course, Oscar Wilde] % +An attorney was defending his client against a charge of first-degree +murder. "Your Honor, my client is accused of stuffing his lover's +mutilated body into a suitcase and heading for the Mexican border. +Just north of Tijuana a cop spotted her hand sticking out of the +suitcase. Now, I would like to stress that my client is *not* a +murderer. A sloppy packer, maybe..." +% +An authority is a person who can tell you more about something than you +really care to know. +% An avocado-tone refrigerator would look good on your resume. % An economist is a man who would marry @@ -7902,6 +10625,8 @@ Farrah Fawcett-Majors for her money. An editor is one who separates the wheat from the chaff and prints the chaff. -- Adlai Stevenson % +An effective way to deal with predators is to taste terrible. +% An efficient and a successful administration manifests itself equally in small as in great matters. -- Winston Churchill @@ -7921,6 +10646,8 @@ I've already paid them half of it." "You owe the U.W.C. a *quarter million*?" the woman exclaimed euphorically. "Don't worry, Harry, they'll find us! They'll find us!" % +An elephant is a mouse with an operating system. +% An engineer, a physicist and a mathematician find themselves in an anecdote, indeed an anecdote quite similar to many that you have no doubt already heard. After some observations and rough calculations the @@ -7934,8 +10661,38 @@ trivial a corollary to be significant, let alone funny. % An engineer is someone who does list processing in FORTRAN. % +An English judge, growing weary of the barrister's long-winded +summation, leaned over the bench and remarked, "I've heard your +arguments, Sir Geoffrey, and I'm none the wiser!" Sir Geoffrey +responded, "That may be, Milord, but at least you're better informed!" +% +An Englishman never enjoys himself, except for a noble purpose. + -- A. P. Herbert +% An evil mind is a great comfort. % +An excellence-oriented '80s male does not wear a regular watch. He +wears a Rolex watch, because it weighs nearly six pounds and is +advertised only in excellence-oriented publications such as Fortune and +Rich Protestant Golfer Magazine. The advertisements are written in +incomplete sentences, which is how advertising copywriters denote +excellence: + +"The Rolex Hyperion. An elegant new standard in quality excellence and +discriminating handcraftsmanship. For the individual who is truly able +to discriminate with regard to excellent quality standards of crafting +things by hand. Fabricated of 100 percent 24-karat gold. No watch +parts or anything. Just a great big chunk on your wrist. Truly a +timeless statement. For the individual who is very secure. Who +doesn't need to be reminded all the time that he is very successful. +Much more successful than the people who laughed at him in high +school. Because of his acne. People who are probably nowhere near as +successful as he is now. Maybe he'll go to his 20th reunion, and +they'll see his Rolex Hyperion. Hahahahahahahahaha." + -- Dave Barry, "In Search of Excellence" +% +An exotic journey in downtown Newark is in your future. +% ...an experienced, industrious, ambitious, and quite often picturesque liar. -- Mark Twain @@ -7995,6 +10752,13 @@ bought they stay bought. An honest tale speeds best being plainly told. -- William Shakespeare, "Henry VI" % +An idea is an eye given by God for the seeing of God. Some of these +eyes we cannot bear to look out of, we blind them as quickly as +possible. + -- Russell Hoban, "Pilgermann" +% +An idea is not responsible for the people who believe in it. +% An idealist is one who helps the other fellow to make a profit. -- Henry Ford % @@ -8047,9 +10811,14 @@ An ounce of hypocrisy is worth a pound of ambition. An ounce of mother is worth a ton of priest. -- Spanish proverb % +An ounce of prevention is worth a pound of purge. +% Anarchy may not be a better form of government, but it's better than no government at all. % +Anarchy may not be the best form of government, +but it's better than no government at all. +% And all that the Lorax left here in this mess was a small pile of rocks with the one word, "unless." Whatever THAT meant, well, I just couldn't guess. @@ -8072,6 +10841,16 @@ Give it clean water and feed it fresh air. Grow a forest -- protect it from axes that hack. Then the Lorax and all of his friends may come back!" % +And as we stand on the edge of darkness +Let our chant fill the void +That others may know + + In the land of the night + The ship of the sun + Is drawn by + The grateful dead. + -- Tibetan "Book of the Dead," ca. 4000 BC. +% And did those feet, in ancient times, Walk upon England's mountains green? And was the Holy Lamb of God @@ -8126,6 +10905,12 @@ And I alone am returned to wag the tail. And I heard Jeff exclaim, as they strolled out of sight, "Merry Christmas to all -- you take credit cards, right?" % +And I heard Jeff exclaim, +As they strolled out of sight, +"Merry Christmas to all -- +You take credit cards, right?" + -- "Outsiders" comic +% And I suppose the little things are harder to get used to than the big ones. The big ones you get used to, you make up your mind to them. The little things come along unexpectedly, when you aren't thinking about @@ -8187,6 +10972,8 @@ You're on the right track. Dover, oh Dover, we've missed your clean % And on the eighth day, we bulldozed it. % +And on the seventh day, He exited from append mode. +% ...and report cards I was always afraid to show Mama'd come to school and as I'd sit there softly cryin' @@ -8208,6 +10995,18 @@ That her face, at first just ghostly, Turned a whiter shade of pale. -- Procol Harum % +And so, men, we can see that human skin is an even more complex and +fascinating organ than we thought it was, and if we want to keep it +looking good, we have to care for it as though it were our own. One +approach is to undergo a painful surgical procedure wherein your skin +is turned inside-out, so the young cells are on the outside, but then +of course you have the unpleasant side effect that your insides +gradually fill up with dead old cells and you explode. So this +procedure is pretty much limited to top Hollywood stars for whom +youthful beauty is a career necessity, such as Elizabeth Taylor and +Orson Welles. + -- Dave Barry, "Saving Face" +% And that's the way it is... -- Walter Cronkite % @@ -8224,6 +11023,9 @@ white children begin with a small separation but increase it during growth -- the rising belly button as a mark of progress. -- S. J. Gould, "Racism and Recapitulation" % +"...and the fully armed nuclear warheads, are, of course, merely a +courtesy detail." +% And the silence came surging softly backwards When the plunging hooves were gone... -- Walter de La Mare, "The Listeners" @@ -8231,6 +11033,13 @@ When the plunging hooves were gone... And they shall beat their swords into plowshares, for if you hit a man with a plowshare, he's going to know he's been hit. % +And this is a table ma'am. What in essence it consists of is a +horizontal rectilinear plane surface maintained by four vertical +columnar supports, which we call legs. The tables in this laboratory, +ma'am, are as advanced in design as one will find anywhere in the +world. + -- Michael Frayn, "The Tin Men" +% And this is good old Boston, The home of the bean and the cod, Where the Lowells talk only to Cabots, @@ -8274,6 +11083,13 @@ in short, I should have liked, I do confess, to have had the lightest license of a child, and yet been man enough to know its value. -- Charles Dickens % +And yet, seasons must be taken with a grain of salt, for they too have +a sense of humor, as does history. Corn stalks comedy, comedy stalks +tragedy, and this too is historic. And yet, still, when corn meets +tragedy face to face, we have politics. + -- Dalglish, Larsen and Sutherland, + "Root Crops and Ground Cover" +% And you can't get any Watney's Red Barrel, because the bars close every time you're thirsty... % @@ -8283,6 +11099,10 @@ and making yourself like everybody else. You feel that, don't you?" said he, earnestly. -- William Morris, "Notes from Nowhere" % +Andrea: Unhappy the land that has no heroes. +Galileo: No, unhappy the land that _____needs heroes. + -- Bertolt Brecht, "Life of Galileo" +% Andrea's Admonition: Never bestow profanity upon a driver who has wronged you. If you think his window is closed and he can't hear you, @@ -8291,6 +11111,10 @@ Andrea's Admonition: ANDROPHOBIA: Fear of men. % +Angels we have heard on High +Tell us to go out and Buy. + -- Tom Lehrer +% Anger is momentary madness. -- Horace % @@ -8300,6 +11124,8 @@ Animals can be driven crazy by putting too many in too small a pen. Homo sapiens is the only animal that voluntarily does this to himself. -- Lazarus Long % +Ankh if you love Isis. +% Announcing the NEW VAX 11/782!! Be the envy of other major Communist Governments! @@ -8310,19 +11136,44 @@ cracking secret NATO codes and editing propaganda for your own people all at the same time with the other! (Well, you really can't, but the Americans think you can, and that's the point, right?) % +Anoint, v.: + To grease a king or other great functionary already +sufficiently slippery. + -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary" +% Another day, another dollar. -- Vincent J. Fuller, defense lawyer for John Hinckley, upon Hinckley's acquittal for shooting President Ronald Reagan. % +Another good night not to sleep in a eucalyptus tree. +% Another megabytes the dust. % +Another possible source of guidance for teenagers is television, but +television's message has always been that the need for truth, wisdom +and world peace pales by comparison with the need for a toothpaste that +offers whiter teeth *___and* fresher breath. + -- Dave Barry, "Kids Today: They Don't Know Dum Diddly + Do" +% Another such victory over the Romans, and we are undone. -- Pyrrhus % Answer a fool according to his folly, lest he be wise in his own conceit. -- Proverbs 26:5 % +Anthony's Law of Force: + Don't force it; get a larger hammer. +% +Anthony's Law of the Workshop: + Any tool when dropped, will roll into the least accessible + corner of the workshop. + +Corollary: + On the way to the corner, any dropped tool will first strike + your toes. +% Antique fairy tale: Little Red Riding Hood. Modern fairy tale: Oswald, acting alone, shot Kennedy. % @@ -8348,6 +11199,9 @@ And went off and hid Or I'm told that he did In the Antartical Zonio. % +Antonym, n.: + The opposite of the word you're trying to think of. +% Anxious after the delay, Gruber doesn't waste any time getting the Koenig [a modified Porsche] up to speed, and almost immediately we are blowing off Alfas, Fiats, and Lancias full of excited Italians. These people love fast @@ -8360,6 +11214,9 @@ them at 130-plus -- to see if you're paying attention. Any circuit design must contain at least one part which is obsolete, two parts which are unobtainable, and three parts which are still under development. % +Any clod can have the facts, but having opinions is an art. + -- Charles McCabe +% Any coward can sit in his home and criticize a pilot for flying into a mountain in a fog. But I would rather, by far, die on a mountainside than in bed. What kind of man would live where there is no daring? @@ -8367,6 +11224,22 @@ And is life so dear that we should blame men for dying in adventure? Is there a better way to die? -- Charles Lindbergh % +Any dramatic series the producers want us to take seriously as a +representation of contemporary reality cannot be taken seriously as a +representation of anything -- except a show to be ignored by anyone +capable of sitting upright in a chair and chewing gum simultaneously. + -- Richard Schickel +% +Any excuse will serve a tyrant. + -- Aesop +% +Any father who thinks he's all important should remind himself that +this country honors fathers only one day a year while pickles get a +whole week. +% +Any fool can paint a picture, but it takes a wise person to be able to +sell it. +% Any fool can tell the truth, but it requires a man of sense to know how to lie well. -- Samuel Butler @@ -8379,6 +11252,13 @@ Any given program, when running, is obsolete. % Any given program will expand to fill available memory. % +Any great truth can -- and eventually will -- be expressed as a cliche +-- a cliche is a sure and certain way to dilute an idea. For instance, +my grandmother used to say, "The black cat is always the last one off +the fence." I have no idea what she meant, but at one time, it was +undoubtedly true. + -- Solomon Short +% Any instrument when dropped will roll into the least accessible corner. % Any man can work when every stroke of his hand brings down the fruit @@ -8405,6 +11285,9 @@ young whelp with a masochistic streak who would like to run the most up-and-down bureaucracy in the history of mankind." -- R. L. Forward, "Flight of the Dragonfly" % +Any philosophy that can be put in a nutshell belongs there. + -- Sydney J. Harris +% Any president should have the right to shoot at least two people a year without explanation. -- Herbert Hoover, discussing the press @@ -8421,8 +11304,32 @@ Climb the mountain just a little to test it's a mountain. From the top of the mountain, you cannot see the mountain. -- Bene Gesserit proverb, "Dune" % +Any small object that is accidentally dropped will hide under a larger +object. +% +Any stone in your boot always migrates against the pressure gradient to +exactly the point of most pressure. + -- Milt Barber +% Any sufficiently advanced bug becomes a feature. % +Any sufficiently advanced bug is indistinguishable from a feature. + -- Rich Kulawiec +% +Any sufficiently advanced technology is indistinguishable from a rigged +demo. +% +Any sufficiently advanced technology is indistinguishable from magic. + -- Arthur C. Clarke +% +Any time things appear to be going better, you have overlooked +something. +% +Any two philosophers can tell each other all they know in two hours. + -- Oliver Wendell Holmes, Jr. +% +Anybody can win, unless there happens to be a second entry. +% Anybody has a right to evade taxes if he can get away with it. No citizen has a moral obligation to assist in maintaining his government. -- J. P. Morgan @@ -8431,11 +11338,26 @@ Anybody that wants the presidency so much that he'll spend two years organizing and campaigning for it is not to be trusted with the office. -- David Broder % +Anybody who doesn't cut his speed at the +sight of a police car is probably parked. +% +Anybody with money to burn will easily find someone to tend the fire. +% Anyone can become angry -- that is easy; but to be angry with the right person, to the right degree, at the right time, for the right purpose and in the right way -- that is not easy. -- Aristotle % +Anyone can do any amount of work provided it isn't the work he is +supposed to be doing at the moment. + -- Robert Benchley +% +Anyone can hold the helm when the sea is calm. + -- Publilius Syrus +% +Anyone can make an omelet with eggs. The trick is to make one with +none. +% "Anyone can say 'no'. It is the first word a child learns and often the first word he speaks. It is a cheap word because it requires no explanation, and many men and women have acquired a reputation for @@ -8445,9 +11367,17 @@ thought on every occasion." % Anyone stupid enough to be caught by the police is probably guilty. % +Anyone who cannot cope with mathematics is not fully human. At best he +is a tolerable subhuman who has learned to wear shoes, bathe and not +make messes in the house. + -- Lazarus Long, "Time Enough for Love" +% Anyone who considers protocol unimportant has never dealt with a cat. -- Robert A. Heinlein % +Anyone who goes to a psychiatrist ought to have his head examined. + -- Samuel Goldwyn +% Anyone who has attended a USENIX conference in a fancy hotel can tell you that a sentence like "You're one of those computer people, aren't you?" is roughly equivalent to "Look, another amazingly mobile form of slime @@ -8458,10 +11388,17 @@ Anyone who has had a bull by the tail knows five or six more things than someone who hasn't. -- Mark Twain % +Anyone who hates Dogs and Kids Can't be All Bad. + -- W. C. Fields +% Anyone who imagines that all fruits ripen at the same time as the strawberries, knows nothing about grapes. -- Philippus Paracelsus % +Anyone who is capable of getting themselves made President +should on no account be allowed to do the job. + -- Douglas Adams, "The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy" +% Anyone who knows history, particularly the history of Europe, will, I think, recognize that the domination of education or of government by any one particular religious faith is never a happy arrangement for the people. @@ -8470,11 +11407,17 @@ particular religious faith is never a happy arrangement for the people. Anyone who says he can see through women is missing a lot. -- Groucho Marx % +Anyone who uses the phrase "easy as taking candy from a baby" has never +tried taking candy from a baby. + -- Robin Hood +% Anything anybody can say about America is true. -- Emmett Grogan % Anything cut to length will be too short. % +Anything free is worth what you pay for it. +% Anything is good if it's made of chocolate. % Anything is possible on paper. @@ -8482,10 +11425,18 @@ Anything is possible on paper. % Anything is possible, unless it's not. % +Anything labeled "NEW" and/or "IMPROVED" isn't. The label means the +price went up. The label "ALL NEW", "COMPLETELY NEW", or "GREAT NEW" +means the price went way up. +% +Anything that is good and useful is made of chocolate. +% Anything that is worth doing has been done frequently. Things hitherto undone should be given, I suspect, a wide berth. -- Max Beerbohm, "Mainly on the Air" % +Anything worth doing is worth overdoing. +% Anytime things appear to be going better, you've overlooked something. % Anyway, I keep picturing all these little kids playing some game in this @@ -8501,16 +11452,33 @@ but that's the only thing I'd really like to be. I know it's crazy. Apathy Club meeting this Friday. If you want to come, you're not invited. % +Apathy is not the problem, it's the solution. +% APHASIA: Loss of speech in social scientists when asked at parties, "But of what use is your research?" % +Aphorism, n.: + A concise, clever statement. +Afterism, n.: + A concise, clever statement you don't think of until too late. + -- James Alexander Thom +% APL hackers do it in the quad. % +APL is a mistake, carried through to perfection. It is the language of +the future for the problems of the past: it creates a new generation of +coding bums. + -- Edsger W. Dijkstra, SIGPLAN Notices, Volume 17, Number 5 +% APL is a natural extension of assembler language programming; ...and is best for educational purposes. -- A. J. Perlis % +APL is a write-only language. I can write programs in APL, but I +can't read any of them. + -- Roy Keir +% Appearances often are deceiving. -- Aesop % @@ -8524,6 +11492,17 @@ Applause, n: April is the cruelest month... -- Thomas Stearns Eliot % +Aquadextrous, adj.: + Possessing the ability to turn the bathtub faucet on and off +with your toes. + -- Rich Hall & Friends, "Sniglets" +% +AQUARIUS (Jan 20 - Feb 18) + You have an inventive mind and are inclined to be progressive. + You lie a great deal. On the other hand, you are inclined to + be careless and impractical, causing you to make the same + mistakes over and over again. People think you are stupid. +% AQUARIUS (Jan. 20 to Feb. 18) A friend will step forward and confide in you about your breath. Rely on your outgoing personality and winning smile to get you into a lot @@ -8545,6 +11524,13 @@ then get into bed and drink aquavit until you can't see the cap. I've never tried this, but it sounds as though it should work. -- Peter Nelson % +Arbitrary systems, pl.n.: + Systems about which nothing general can be said, save "nothing +general can be said." +% +ARCHDUKE FERDINAND FOUND ALIVE -- + FIRST WORLD WAR A MISTAKE +% Are we not men? % Are we running light with overbyte? @@ -8643,6 +11629,8 @@ say in those awkward situations? Worry no more... Bored? If you're bored, I've got some chores for you. Shape up or ship out. % +Are you a turtle? +% Are you making all this up as you go along? % "Are you police officers?" @@ -8681,6 +11669,14 @@ Arguments are extremely vulgar, for everyone in good society holds exactly the same opinion. -- Oscar Wilde % +Arguments with furniture are rarely productive. + -- Kehlog Albran, "The Profit" +% +ARIES (Mar 21 - Apr 19) + You are the pioneer type and hold most people in contempt. You + are quick tempered, impatient, and scornful of advice. You are + not very nice. +% ARIES (Mar.21 - Apr.19) You are a wonderfully interesting, honest, hard-working person and you should make many new friends, but you won't because you've @@ -8690,6 +11686,13 @@ ARITHMETIC: An obscure art no longer practiced in the world's developed countries. % +Arithmetic is being able to count up to twenty without taking off your +shoes. + -- Mickey Mouse +% +Armadillo: + To provide weapons to a Spanish pickle. +% Armenians and Azerbaijanis in Stepanakert, capital of the Nagorno-Karabakh autonomous region, rioted over much needed spelling reform in the Soviet Union. @@ -8705,6 +11708,17 @@ Armstrong's Collection Law: Arnold's Addendum: Anything not fitting into these categories causes cancer in rats. % +Arnold's Laws of Documentation: + (1) If it should exist, it doesn't. + (2) If it does exist, it's out of date. + (3) Only documentation for useless programs transcends the + first two laws. +% +Around computers it is difficult to find the correct unit of time to +measure progress. Some cathedrals took a century to complete. Can you +imagine the grandeur and scope of a program that would take as long? + -- Epigrams in Programming, ACM SIGPLAN Sept. 1982 +% Around the turn of this century, a composer named Camille Saint-Saens wrote a satirical zoological-fantasy called "Le Carnaval des Animaux." Aside from one movement of this piece, "The Swan", Saint-Saens didn't allow this work @@ -8729,6 +11743,12 @@ Art is a jealous mistress. Art is a lie which makes us realize the truth. -- Picasso % +Art is anything you can get away with. + -- Marshall McLuhan +% +Art is either plagiarism or revolution. + -- Paul Gauguin +% Art is Nature speeded up and God slowed down. -- Chazal % @@ -8737,6 +11757,13 @@ Art is Nature speeded up and God slowed down. % Art is the tree of life. Science is the tree of death. % +Arthur's Laws of Love: + (1) People to whom you are attracted invariably think you + remind them of someone else. + (2) The love letter you finally got the courage to send will be + delayed in the mail long enough for you to make a fool of + yourself in person. +% Article the Third: Where a crime of the kidneys has been committed, the accused should enjoy the right to a speedy diaper change. Public announcements and @@ -8756,8 +11783,22 @@ Artificial intelligence has the same relation to intelligence as artificial flowers have to flowers. -- David Parnas % +Artistic ventures highlighted. Rob a museum. +% As a computer, I find your faith in technology amusing. % +As a professional humorist, I often get letters from readers who are +interested in the basic nature of humor. "What kind of a sick +perverted disgusting person are you," these letters typically ask, +"that you make jokes about setting fire to a goat?" ... + -- Dave Barry, "Why Humor is Funny" +% +As an adolescent I aspired to lasting fame, I craved factual +certainty, and I thirsted for a meaningful vision of human life -- so I +became a scientist. This is like becoming an archbishop so you can +meet girls. + -- Matt Cartmill +% As an Englishman, an Aussie and a Scotsman are sitting in a pub, quaffing a few, three flies buzz down from the ceiling and lazily circle each drinker. Suddenly "buzzzzzzzzplooop", each fly does a kamakazi dive into a different @@ -8780,6 +11821,13 @@ the meaning of existence. Both make one feel like a baby clutching at a basketball: one's palms keep sliding off. -- Joseph Brodsky % +As far as the laws of mathematics refer to reality, they are not +certain, and as far as they are certain, they do not refer to reality. + -- Albert Einstein +% +As far as we know, our computer has never had an undetected error. + -- Weisert +% As flies to wanton boys are we to the gods; they kill us for their sport. -- William Shakespeare, "King Lear" % @@ -8814,6 +11862,25 @@ pleasurable - until I realized it wasn't a nectarine at all, but A HUMAN HEAD!! As I thought, no better from this side. -- Eeyore % +As I was going up Punch Card Hill, + Feeling worse and worser, +There I met a C.R.T. + And it drop't me a cursor. + +C.R.T., C.R.T., + Phosphors light on you! +If I had fifty hours a day + I'd spend them all at you. + -- Uncle Colonel's Cursory Rhymes +% +As I was passing Project MAC, +I met a Quux with seven hacks. +Every hack had seven bugs; +Every bug had seven manifestations; +Every manifestation had seven symptoms. +Symptoms, manifestations, bugs, and hacks, +How many losses at Project MAC? +% As I was walking down the street one dark and dreary day, I came upon a billboard and much to my dismay, The words were torn and tattered, @@ -8849,10 +11916,24 @@ images may be tolerated by the luxurious cults, but the true IBM faith relies on the austerity of the word. -- Edward Mendelson, "The New Republic", February 22, 1988 % +As long as I am mayor of this city [Jersey City, New Jersey] the great +industries are secure. We hear about constitutional rights, free +speech and the free press. Every time I hear these words I say to +myself, "That man is a Red, that man is a Communist". You never hear a +real American talk like that. + -- Frank Hague, 1896-1956 +% +As long as the answer is right, who cares if the question is wrong? +% As long as there are ill-defined goals, bizarre bugs, and unrealistic schedules, there will be Real Programmers willing to jump in and Solve The Problem, saving the documentation for later. % +As long as war is regarded as wicked, it will always have its +fascination. When it is looked upon as vulgar, it will cease to be +popular. + -- Oscar Wilde, "Intentions" +% As many of you know, I am taking a class here at UNC on Personality. One of the tests to determine personality in our book was so incredibly useful and interesting, I just had to share it. @@ -8924,6 +12005,8 @@ Please update your programs. As of next Tuesday, C will be flushed in favor of COBOL. Please update your programs. % +As of next week, passwords will be entered in Morse code. +% As part of an ongoing effort to keep you, the Fortune reader, abreast of the valuable information the daily crosses the USENET, Fortune presents: @@ -8944,12 +12027,28 @@ News articles that answer *your* questions, #1: it explicitly with the > character? Is there something else that must be done? % +As part of the conversion, computer specialists rewrote 1,500 programs; +a process that traditionally requires some debugging. + -- USA Today, referring to the IRS switchover to a new + computer system. +% As some day it may happen that a victim must be found I've got a little list -- I've got a little list Of society offenders who might well be underground And who never would be missed -- who never would be missed. -- Koko, "The Mikado" % +As soon as we started programming, we found to our surprise that it +wasn't as easy to get programs right as we had thought. Debugging had +to be discovered. I can remember the exact instant when I realized +that a large part of my life from then on was going to be spent in +finding mistakes in my own programs. + -- Maurice Wilkes discovers debugging, 1949 +% +As the poet said, "Only God can make a tree" -- probably because it's +so hard to figure out how to get the bark on. + -- Woody Allen +% As the system comes up, the component builders will from time to time appear, bearing hot new versions of their pieces -- faster, smaller, more complete, or putatively less buggy. The replacement of a working component by a new @@ -8958,6 +12057,10 @@ component does, although it should require less time, for more complete and efficient test cases will usually be available. -- Frederick Brooks Jr., "The Mythical Man Month" % +As the trials of life continue to take their toll, remember that there +is always a future in Computer Maintenance. + -- National Lampoon, "Deteriorata" +% As to Jesus of Nazareth... I think the system of Morals and his Religion, as he left them to us, the best the World ever saw or is likely to see; but I apprehend it has received various corrupting Changes, and I have, @@ -8968,13 +12071,48 @@ divinity. As well look for a needle in a bottle of hay. -- Miguel de Cervantes % +As Will Rogers would have said, "There is no such thing as a free +variable." +% +As with most fine things, chocolate has its season. There is a simple +memory aid that you can use to determine whether it is the correct time +to order chocolate dishes: any month whose name contains the letter A, +E, or U is the proper time for chocolate. + -- Sandra Boynton, "Chocolate: The Consuming Passion" +% As you grow older, you will still do foolish things, but you will do them with much more enthusiasm. -- The Cowboy % +As you know, birds do not have sexual organs because they would +interfere with flight. [In fact, this was the big breakthrough for the +Wright Brothers. They were watching birds one day, trying to figure +out how to get their crude machine to fly, when suddenly it dawned on +Wilbur. "Orville," he said, "all we have to do is remove the sexual +organs!" You should have seen their original design.] As a result, +birds are very, very difficult to arouse sexually. You almost never +see an aroused bird. So when they want to reproduce, birds fly up and +stand on telephone lines, where they monitor telephone conversations +with their feet. When they find a conversation in which people are +talking dirty, they grip the line very tightly until they are both +highly aroused, at which point the female gets pregnant. + -- Dave Barry, "Sex and the Single Amoeba: What Every + Teen Should Know" +% +As you reach for the web, a venomous spider appears. Unable to pull +your hand away in time, the spider promptly, but politely, bites you. +The venom takes affect quickly causing your lips to turn plaid along +with your complexion. You become dazed, and in your stupor you fall +from the limbs of the tree. Snap! Your head falls off and rolls all +over the ground. The instant before you croak, you hear the whoosh of +a vacuum being filled by the air surrounding your head. Worse yet, the +spider is suing you for damages. +% As you will see, I told them, in no uncertain terms, to see Figure one. -- Dave "First Strike" Pare % +As Zeus said to Narcissus, "Watch yourself." +% ASCII: The control code for all beginning programmers and those who would become computer literate. Etymologically, the term has come down as @@ -8984,15 +12122,38 @@ ASCII: % ASCII a stupid question, you get an EBCDIC answer. % +ASHes to ASHes, DOS to DOS. +% Ashes to ashes, dust to dust, If God won't have you, the devil must. % +Ask five economists and you'll get five different explanations (six if +one went to Harvard). + -- Edgar R. Fiedler +% +Ask not for whom the Bell tolls, and you +will pay only the station-to-station rate. + -- Howard Kandel +% +Ask not for whom the tolls. +% +Ask not for whom the telephone bell tolls ... +if thou art in the bathtub, it tolls for thee. +% Ask not what's inside your head, but what your head's inside of. -- J. J. Gibson % +Ask your boss to reconsider -- it's so difficult to take "Go to hell" +for an answer. +% Ask yourself whether you are happy and you cease to be so. -- John Stuart Mill % +"Asked by reporters about his upcoming marriage to a forty-two-year-old +woman, director Roman Polanski told reporters, `The way I look at it, +she's the equivalent of three fourteen-year-olds.'" + -- David Letterman +% Asked how she felt being the first woman to make a major-league team, she said, "Like a pig in mud," or words to that effect, and then turned and released a squirt of tobacco juice from the wad of rum soaked plug in her @@ -9014,15 +12175,29 @@ Asking a working writer what he thinks about critics is like asking a lamp-post how it feels about dogs. -- Christopher Hampton % +Ass, n.: + The masculine of "lass". +% Assembly language experience is [important] for the maturity and understanding of how computers work that it provides. -- D. Gries % +Associate with well-mannered persons and your manners will improve. +Run with decent folk and your own decent instincts will be +strengthened. Keep the company of bums and you will become a bum. +Hang around with rich people and you will end by picking up the check +and dying broke. + -- Stanley Walker +% Astrology... just a bunch of Taurus. % Asynchronous inputs are at the root of our race problems. -- D. Winker and F. Prosser % +"At a recent meeting in Snowmass, Colorado, a participant from Los +Angeles fainted from hyperoxygenation, and we had to hold his head +under the exhaust of a bus until he revived." +% At about 2500 A.D., humankind discovers a computer problem that *must* be solved. The only difficulty is that the problem is NP complete and will take thousands of years even with the latest optical biologic technology @@ -9041,21 +12216,55 @@ the earth came back, they were presented with the answer: IEH032 Error in JOB Control Card. % +At any given moment, an arrow must be either where it is or where it is +not. But obviously it cannot be where it is not. And if it is where +it is, that is equivalent to saying that it is at rest. + -- Zeno's paradox of the moving (still?) arrow +% At ebb tide I wrote a line upon the sand, and gave it all my heart and all my soul. At flood tide I returned to read what I had inscribed and found my ignorance upon the shore. -- Kahlil Gibran % +At first, I just did it on weekends. With a few friends, you know... +We never wanted to hurt anyone. The girls loved it. We'd all sit +around the computer and do a little UNIX. It was just a kick. At +least that's what we thought. Then it got worse. + +It got so I'd have to do some UNIX during the weekdays. After a +while, I couldn't even wake up in the morning without having that +crave to go do UNIX. Then it started affecting my job. I would just +have to do it during my break. Maybe a `grep' or two, maybe a little +`more'. I eventually started doing UNIX just to get through the day. +Of course, it screwed up my mind so much that I couldn't even +function as a normal person. + +I'm lucky today, I've overcome my UNIX problem. It wasn't easy. If +you're smart, just don't start. Remember, if any weirdo offers you +some UNIX, + + Just Say No! +% At first sight, the idea of any rules or principles being superimposed on the creative mind seems more likely to hinder than to help, but this is quite untrue in practice. Disciplined thinking focuses inspiration rather than blinkers it. -- G. L. Glegg, "The Design of Design" % +At Group L, Stoffel oversees six first-rate programmers, a managerial +challenge roughly comparable to herding cats. + -- The Washington Post Magazine, June 9, 1985 +% At last I've found the girl of my dreams. Last night she said to me, "Once more, Strange, and this time *I'll* be Donnie and *you* be Marie. -- Strange de Jim % +"At least they're ___________EXPERIENCED incompetents" +% +At no time is freedom of speech more precious than when a man hits his +thumb with a hammer. + -- Marshall Lumsden +% At once it struck me what quality went to form a man of achievement, especially in literature, and which Shakespeare possessed so enormously -- I mean negative capability, that is, when a man is capable of being @@ -9099,6 +12308,10 @@ opens the drapes to let the sun in, walks over to the man's bedside, fluffs his pillow and wishes him a "Good morning!" "Wonderful day, no? Say... guess who's going to die soon!" % +At the source of every error which is blamed on the computer you will +find at least two human errors, including the error of blaming it on +the computer. +% At these prices, I lose money -- but I make it up in volume. -- Peter G. Alaquon % @@ -9114,6 +12327,12 @@ Atheism is a non-prophet organization. ATLANTA: An entire city surrounded by an airport. % +Atlanta makes it against the law to tie a giraffe to a telephone pole +or street lamp. +% +Atlee is a very modest man. And with reason. + -- Winston Churchill +% Attorney General Edwin Meese III explained why the Supreme Court's Miranda decision (holding that subjects have a right to remain silent and have a lawyer present during questioning) is unnecessary: "You don't have many @@ -9136,9 +12355,16 @@ Auribus teneo lupum. AUTHENTIC: Indubitably true, in somebody's opinion. % +Authors (and perhaps columnists) eventually rise to the top of whatever +depths they were once able to plumb. + -- Stanley Kaufman +% Authors are easy to get on with -- if you're fond of children. -- Michael Joseph, "Observer" % +Automobile, n.: + A four-wheeled vehicle that runs up hills and down pedestrians. +% Avec! % Avert misunderstanding by calm, poise, and balance. @@ -9148,6 +12374,15 @@ They're a dime a dozen. % Avoid gunfire in the bathroom tonight. % +Avoid Quiet and Placid persons unless you are in Need of Sleep. + -- National Lampoon, "Deteriorata" +% +Avoid reality at all costs. +% +Avoid revolution or expect to get shot. Mother and I will grieve, but +we will gladly buy a dinner for the National Guardsman who shot you. + -- Dr. Paul Williamson, father of a Kent State student +% Avoid strange women and temporary variables. % Awash with unfocused desire, Everett twisted the lobe of his one remaining @@ -9165,6 +12400,11 @@ BACCHUS: A convenient deity invented by the ancients as an excuse for getting drunk. % +Bacchus, n.: + A convenient deity invented by the ancients as an excuse for +getting drunk. + -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary" +% BACHELOR: A guy who is footloose and fiancee-free. % @@ -9205,9 +12445,26 @@ Bad men live that they may eat and drink, whereas good men eat and drink that they may live. -- Socrates % +Bagbiter: + 1. n.; Equipment or program that fails, usually +intermittently. 2. adj.: Failing hardware or software. "This +bagbiting system won't let me get out of spacewar." Usage: verges on +obscenity. Grammatically separable; one may speak of "biting the +bag". Synonyms: LOSER, LOSING, CRETINOUS, BLETCHEROUS, BARFUCIOUS, +CHOMPER, CHOMPING. +% +Bagdikian's Observation: + Trying to be a first-rate reporter on the average American +newspaper is like trying to play Bach's "St. Matthew Passion" on a +ukulele. +% Bahdges? We don't need no stinkin' bahdges! -- "The Treasure of Sierra Madre" % +Baker's First Law of Federal Geometry: + A block grant is a solid mass of money surrounded on all sides +by governors. +% BALLISTOPHOBIA: Fear of bullets; OTOPHOBIA: @@ -9226,22 +12483,53 @@ VESTIPHOBIA: BALTIMORE: A wharf-rat stealing Diogenes' lamp. % +Ban the bomb. Save the world for conventional warfare. +% Banacek's Eighteenth Polish Proverb: The hippo has no sting, but the wise man would rather be sat upon by the bee. % +Banectomy, n.: + The removal of bruises on a banana. + -- Rich Hall, "Sniglets" +% +Bank error in your favor. Collect $200. +% +Barach's Rule: + An alcoholic is a person who drinks more than his own +physician. +% Barbara's Rules of Bitter Experience: (1) When you empty a drawer for his clothes and a shelf for his toiletries, the relationship ends. (2) When you finally buy pretty stationary to continue the correspondence, he stops writing. % +Bare feet magnetize sharp metal objects so they point upward from the +floor -- especially in the dark. +% Barker's Proof: Proofreading is more effective after publication. % +Barometer, n.: + An ingenious instrument which indicates what kind of weather we +are having. + -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary" +% +Barth's Distinction: + There are two types of people: those who divide people into two +types, and those who don't. +% +Baruch's Observation: + If all you have is a hammer, everything looks like a nail. +% Base 8 is just like base 10, if you are missing two fingers. -- Tom Lehrer % +Baseball is a skilled game. It's America's game -- it, and high +taxes. + -- Will Rogers +% Based on what you know about him in history books, what do you think Abraham Lincoln would be doing if he were alive today? @@ -9257,13 +12545,27 @@ Basic Definitions of Science: % Basic is a high level languish. % +Basic is a high level languish. +APL is a high level anguish. +% +BASIC is the Computer Science equivalent of "Scientific Creationism." +% BASIC is to computer programming as QWERTY is to typing. -- Seymour Papert % +BASIC, n.: + A programming language. Related to certain social diseases in +that those who have it will not admit it in polite company. +% Basically my wife was immature. I'd be at home in the bath and she'd come in and sink my boats. -- Woody Allen % +Bathquake, n.: + The violent quake that rattles the entire house when the water +faucet is turned on to a certain point. + -- Rich Hall, "Sniglets" +% Batteries not included. % Battle, n: @@ -9271,11 +12573,23 @@ Battle, n: will not yield to the tongue. -- Ambrose Bierce % +Be a better psychiatrist and the world +will beat a psychopath to your door. +% BE A LOOF! (There has been a recent population explosion of lerts.) % +BE ALERT!!!! (The world needs more lerts ...) +% +Be assured that a walk through the ocean of most Souls would scarcely +get your Feet wet. Fall not in Love, therefore: it will stick to your +face. + -- National Lampoon, "Deteriorata" +% Be both a speaker of words and a doer of deeds. -- Homer % +Be braver -- you can't cross a chasm in two small jumps. +% Be careful! Is it classified? % Be careful! UGLY strikes 9 out of 10! @@ -9283,6 +12597,9 @@ Be careful! UGLY strikes 9 out of 10! Be careful how you get yourself involved with persons or situations that can't bear inspection. % +Be careful of reading health books, you might die of a misprint. + -- Mark Twain +% Be careful what you set your heart on -- for it will surely be yours. -- James Baldwin, "Nobody Knows My Name" % @@ -9300,9 +12617,14 @@ Be circumspect in your liaisons with women. It is better to be seen at the opera with a man than at mass with a woman. -- De Maintenon % +Be different: conform. +% Be frank and explicit with your lawyer ... it is his business to confuse the issue afterwards. % +Be free and open and breezy! Enjoy! +Things won't get any better so get used to it. +% Be incomprehensible. If they can't understand, they can't disagree. % Be independent. @@ -9326,6 +12648,8 @@ Be regular and orderly in your life, so that you may be violent and original in your work. -- Flaubert % +Be security conscious -- National Defense is at stake. +% Be self-reliant and your success is assured. % Be sociable. @@ -9337,6 +12661,10 @@ Be valiant, but not too venturous. Let thy attire be comely, but not costly. -- John Lyly % +Be wary of strong drink. It can make you shoot at tax collectors and +miss + -- Lazarus Long, "Time Enough for Love" +% Beam me up, Scotty! % Beam me up, Scotty! It ate my phaser! @@ -9385,6 +12713,11 @@ Beer -- it's not just for breakfast anymore. % Beer & Pretzels -- Breakfast of Champions. % +Bees are very busy souls +They have no time for birth controls +And that is why in times like these +There are so many Sons of Bees. +% Before borrowing money from a friend, decide which you need more. -- Addison H. Hallock % @@ -9416,6 +12749,10 @@ Before you ask more questions, think about whether you really want to know the answers. -- Gene Wolfe, "The Claw of the Conciliator" % +Begathon, n.: + A multi-day event on public television, used to raise money so +you won't have to watch commercials. +% Beggar to well-dressed businessman: "Could you spare $20.95 for a fifth of Chivas?" % @@ -9439,6 +12776,15 @@ Behold the unborn foetus and All life is sacred (save, of course, An enemy civilian). % +Behold the warranty -- the bold print +giveth and the fine print taketh away. +% +Beifeld's Principle: + The probability of a young man meeting a desirable and +receptive young female increases by pyramidal progression when he is +already in the company of: (1) a date, (2) his wife, (3) a better +looking and richer male friend. +% Being a mime means never having to say you're sorry. % Being a miner, as soon as you're too old and tired and sick and @@ -9461,6 +12807,8 @@ if you fight for a sensible step in the right direction which others has deserted you will be branded "reactionary". -- Poul Henningsen (1894-1967) % +"Being disintegrated makes me ve-ry an-gry!" +% Being frustrated is disagreeable, but the real disasters in life begin when you get what you want. % @@ -9490,12 +12838,26 @@ Believe everything you hear about the world; nothing is too impossibly bad. -- Honore de Balzac % +Bell Labs Unix -- Reach out and grep someone. +% Ben, why didn't you tell me? -- Luke Skywalker % +Bennett's Laws of Horticulture: + (1) Houses are for people to live in. + (2) Gardens are for plants to live in. + (3) There is no such thing as a houseplant. +% +Benson, you are so free of the ravages of intelligence. + -- Time Bandits +% Benson's Dogma: ASCII is our god, and Unix is his profit. % +Berkeley had what we called "copycenter," which is "take it down +to the copy center and make as many copies as you want." + -- Kirk McKusick +% Bernard Shaw is an excellent man; he has not an enemy in the world, and none of his friends like him either. -- Oscar Wilde @@ -9527,6 +12889,22 @@ Bershere's Formula for Failure: There are only two kinds of people who fail: those who listen to nobody... and those who listen to everybody. % +Besides the device, the box should contain: + * Eight little rectangular snippets of paper that say "WARNING" + * A plastic packet containing four 5/17 inch pilfer grommets + and two club-ended 6/93 inch boxcar prawns. + +YOU WILL NEED TO SUPPLY: a matrix wrench and 60,000 feet of tram cable. + +IF ANYTHING IS DAMAGED OR MISSING: You IMMEDIATELY should turn to your +spouse and say: "Margaret, you know why this country can't make a car +that can get all the way through the drive-through at Burger King +without a major transmission overhaul? Because nobody cares, that's +why." + +WARNING: This is assuming your spouse's name is Margaret. + -- Dave Barry, "Read This First!" +% Best Beer: A panel of tasters assembled by the Consumer's Union in 1969 judged Coors and Miller's High Life to be among the very best. Those who doubt that beer is a serious subject might ponder its effect on American @@ -9551,6 +12929,8 @@ in the background. clearly visible on one of the leading characters. -- Stephen Pile, "The Book of Heroic Failures" % +Best of all is never to have been born. Second best is to die soon. +% beta test, v: To voluntarily entrust one's data, one's livelihood and one's sanity to hardware or software intended to destroy all three. @@ -9560,6 +12940,8 @@ Better by far you should forget and smile than that you should remember and be sad. -- Christina Rossetti % +Better dead than mellow. +% Better hope the life-inspector doesn't come around while you have your life in such a mess. % @@ -9570,6 +12952,25 @@ Better late than never. % Better living a beggar than buried an emperor. % +better !pout !cry +better watchout +lpr why +santa claus town + +cat /etc/passwd >list +ncheck list +ncheck list +cat list | grep naughty >nogiftlist +cat list | grep nice >giftlist +santa claus town + +who | grep sleeping +who | grep awake +who | egrep 'bad|good' +for (goodness sake) { + be good +} +% Better the prince of some inferior court, Than second, or less, in beatific light. -- Lucifer, Joost van den Vondel's "Lucifer" @@ -9584,6 +12985,21 @@ Better to use medicines at the outset than at the last moment. Better tried by twelve than carried by six. -- Jeff Cooper % +Between 1950 and 1952, a bored weatherman, stationed north of Hudson +Bay, left a monument that neither government nor time can eradicate. +Using a bulldozer abandoned by the Air Force, he spent two years and +great effort pushing boulders into a single word. + +It can be seen from 10,000 feet, silhouetted against the snow. +Government officials exchanged memos full of circumlocutions (no Latin +equivalent exists) but failed to word an appropriation bill for the +destruction of this cairn, that wouldn't alert the press and embarrass +both Parliament and Party. + +It stands today, a monument to human spirit. If life exists on other +planets, this may be the first message received from us. + -- The Realist, November, 1964 +% Between grand theft and a legal fee, there only stands a law degree. % Between infinite and short there is a big difference. @@ -9613,19 +13029,42 @@ a new wearer of clothes. % Beware of Bigfoot! % +Beware of bugs in the above code; +I have only proved it correct, not tried it. + -- Donald Knuth +% +Beware of computerized fortune-tellers! +% Beware of geeks bearing graft. % +Beware of low-flying butterflies. +% Beware of mathematicians and all those who make empty prophecies. The danger already exists that the mathematicians have made covenant with the devil to darken the spirit and to confine man in the bonds of hell. -- St. Augustine % +Beware of Programmers who carry screwdrivers. + -- Leonard Brandwein +% +Beware of self-styled experts: an ex is a has-been, and a spurt is a +drip under pressure. +% Beware of strong drink. It can make you shoot at tax collectors -- and miss. -- Lazarus Long, "Time Enough For Love" % Beware of the man who knows the answer before he understands the question. % +"Beware of the man who works hard to learn something, learns it, and +finds himself no wiser than before," Bokonon tells us. "He is full of +murderous resentment of people who are ignorant without having come by +their ignorance the hard way." + -- Kurt Vonnegut, Jr., "Cat's Cradle" +% +Beware of the Turing Tar-pit in which everything +is possible but nothing of interest is easy. +% Beware the new TTY code! % Beware the one behind you. @@ -9660,6 +13099,9 @@ Billy: Mom, you know that vase you said was handed down from Mom: Yes? Billy: Well, this generation dropped it. % +Binary, adj.: + Possessing the ability to have friends of both sexes. +% Bingo, gas station, hamburger with a side order of airplane noise, and you'll be Gary, Indiana. -- Jessie, "Greaser's Palace" @@ -9669,12 +13111,23 @@ Bing's Rule: % Biology grows on you. % +Biology is the only science in which multiplication means the same +thing as division. +% +Bipolar, adj.: + Refers to someone who has homes in Nome, Alaska, and Buffalo, +New York +% Birds and bees have as much to do with the facts of life as black nightgowns do with keeping warm. -- Hester Mundis, "Powermom" % Birds are entangled by their feet and men by their tongues. % +Birth, n.: + The first and direst of all disasters. + -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary" +% Birthdays are like busses, never the number you want. % Bistromathics is simply a revolutionary new way of understanding the @@ -9697,6 +13150,13 @@ Shower or suicide, what do I do? % Biz is better. % +Bizarreness is the essence of the exotic. +% +Bizoos, n.: + The millions of tiny individual bumps that make up a +basketball. + -- Rich Hall, "Sniglets" +% Black people have never rioted. A riot is what white people think blacks are involved in when they burn stores. -- Julius Lester @@ -9736,10 +13196,16 @@ Blessed are the forgetful: for they get the better even of their blunders. -- Friedrich Nietzsche % +Blessed are the young, for they shall inherit the national debt. + -- Herbert Hoover +% Blessed are they that have nothing to say, and who cannot be persuaded to say it. -- James Russell Lowell % +Blessed are they who Go Around in Circles, +for they Shall be Known as Wheels. +% Blessed is he who expects no gratitude, for he shall not be disappointed. -- W. C. Bennett % @@ -9757,14 +13223,24 @@ abstains from giving wordy evidence of the fact. Blinding speed can compensate for a lot of deficiencies. -- David Nichols % +BLISS is ignorance. +% blithwapping: Using anything BUT a hammer to hammer a nail into the wall, such as shoes, lamp bases, doorstops, etc. -- Rich Hall & Friends, "Sniglets" % +Blood flows down one leg and up the other. +% +Blood is thicker than water, and much tastier. +% Bloom's Seventh Law of Litigation: The judge's jokes are always funny. % +Blore's Razor: + Given a choice between two theories, take the one which is +funnier. +% Blow it out your ear. % Blue paint today. @@ -9773,8 +13249,24 @@ Blue paint today. Blutarsky's Axiom: Nothing is impossible for the man who will not listen to reason. % +Board the windows, up your car insurance, and don't leave any booze in +plain sight. It's St. Patrick's day in Chicago again. The legend has +it that St. Patrick drove the snakes out of Ireland. In fact, he was +arrested for drunk driving. The snakes left because people kept +throwing up on them. +% Body by Nautilus, Brain by Mattel. % +Boling's postulate: + If you're feeling good, don't worry. You'll get over it. +% +Bolub's Fourth Law of Computerdom: + Project teams detest weekly progress reporting because it so +vividly manifests their lack of progress. +% +Bombeck's Rule of Medicine: + Never go to a doctor whose office plants have died. +% Bond reflected that good Americans were fine people and that most of them seemed to come from Texas. -- Ian Fleming, "Casino Royale" @@ -9784,12 +13276,45 @@ Bondage maybe, discipline never! % Bones: "The man's DEAD, Jim!" % +BOO! We changed Coke again! BLEAH! BLEAH! +% +Boob's Law: + You always find something in the last place you look. +% Booker's Law: An ounce of application is worth a ton of abstraction. % +Bore, n.: + A guy who wraps up a two-minute idea in a two-hour vocabulary. + -- Walter Winchell +% +Bore, n.: + A person who talks when you wish him to listen. + -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary" +% +Boren's Laws: + (1) When in charge, ponder. + (2) When in trouble, delegate. + (3) When in doubt, mumble. +% +Boss, n.: + According to the Oxford English Dictionary, in the Middle Ages +the words "boss" and "botch" were largely synonymous, except that boss, +in addition to meaning "a supervisor of workers" also meant "an +ornamental stud." +% Boston, n.: An outdoor Betty Ford Clinic. % +Boston, n.: + Ludwig van Beethoven being jeered by 50,000 sports fans for +finishing second in the Irish jig competition. +% +Boston State House is the hub of the Solar System. You couldn't pry +that out of a Boston man if you had the tire of all creation +straightened out for a crowbar. + -- O. W. Holmes +% Both models are identical in performance, functional operation, and interface circuit details. The two models, however, are not compatible on the same communications line connection. @@ -9821,10 +13346,23 @@ And get the maximum pleasure from a minimum of love. Boy, I sure wish that I could be in the 'Advanced Systems Development' group! % +Boy, life takes a long time to live. + -- Steven Wright +% +Boy, n.: + A noise with dirt on it. +% Boy, that crayon sure did hurt! % Boycott meat - suck your thumb. % +Boys are beyond the range of anybody's sure understanding, at least +when they are between the ages of 18 months and 90 years. + -- James Thurber +% +Boys will be boys, and so will a lot of middle-aged men. + -- Kin Hubbard +% Bozo is the Brotherhood of Zips and Others. Bozos are people who band together for fun and profit. They have no jobs. Anybody who goes on a tour is a Bozo. Why does a Bozo cross the street? Because there's a Bozo @@ -9843,10 +13381,37 @@ anti-Solemn, but also (shudder) takes sides. I tend to think of it as `Constructive Snottiness.' -- Mike Padlipsky, "Elements of Networking Style" % +Brace yourselves. We're about to try something that borders on the +unique: an actually rather serious technical book which is not only +(gasp) vehemently anti-Solemn, but also (shudder) takes sides. I tend +to think of it as `Constructive Snottiness.' + -- Mike Padlipsky, Foreword to "Elements of Networking + Style" +% +Bradley's Bromide: + If computers get too powerful, we can organize them into a +committee -- that will do them in. +% +Brady's First Law of Problem Solving: + When confronted by a difficult problem, you can solve it more +easily by reducing it to the question, "How would the Lone Ranger have +handled this?" +% Brahma said: Well, after hearing ten thousand explanations, a fool is no wiser. But an intelligent man needs only two thousand five hundred. -- The Mahabharata % +Brain fried -- Core dumped +% +Brain, n.: + The apparatus with which we think that we think. + -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary" +% +Brain, v. [as in "to brain"]: + To rebuke bluntly, but not pointedly; to dispel a source of +error in an opponent. + -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary" +% brain-damaged, generalization of "Honeywell Brain Damage" (HBD), a theoretical disease invented to explain certain utter cretinisms in Multics, adj: @@ -9878,6 +13443,10 @@ Breadth-first search is the bulldozer of science. % Break into jail and claim police brutality. % +Breast Feeding should not be attempted by fathers with hairy chests, +since they can make the baby sneeze and give it wind. + -- Mike Harding, "The Armchair Anarchist's Almanac" +% Breathe deep the gathering gloom. Watch lights fade from every room. Bed-sitter people look back and lament; @@ -9896,6 +13465,10 @@ But we decide which is real, and which is an illusion." % Breeding rabbits is a hare raising experience. % +Bride, n.: + A woman with a fine prospect of happiness behind her. + -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary" +% Bridge ahead. Pay troll. % briefcase, n: @@ -9926,6 +13499,9 @@ fuggi l'uccello Giuggiolo, e nel sacco metti infine il frumioso Bandifante". -- "The Jabberwock" % +Bringing computers into the home won't change either one, but may +revitalize the corner saloon. +% Brisk talkers are usually slow thinkers. There is, indeed, no wild beast more to be dreaded than a communicative man having nothing to communicate. If you are civil to the voluble, they will abuse your patience; if @@ -9936,6 +13512,19 @@ British education is probably the best in the world, if you can survive it. If you can't there is nothing left for you but the diplomatic corps. -- Peter Ustinov % +British Israelites: + The British Israelites believe the white Anglo-Saxons of +Britain to be descended from the ten lost tribes of Israel deported by +Sargon of Assyria on the fall of Sumeria in 721 B.C. ... They further +believe that the future can be foretold by the measurements of the +Great Pyramid, which probably means it will be big and yellow and in +the hand of the Arabs. They also believe that if you sleep with your +head under the pillow a fairy will come and take all your teeth. + -- Mike Harding, "The Armchair Anarchist's Almanac" +% +Broad-mindedness, n.: + The result of flattening high-mindedness out. +% Brogan's Constant: People tend to congregate in the back of the church and the front of the bus. @@ -9943,6 +13532,31 @@ Brogan's Constant: Brokee, n.: Someone who buys stocks on the advice of a broker. % +Brontosaurus Principle: + Organizations can grow faster than their brains can manage them +in relation to their environment and to their own physiology: when +this occurs, they are an endangered species. + -- Thomas K. Connellan +% +Brooke's Law: + Whenever a system becomes completely defined, some damn fool +discovers something which either abolishes the system or expands it +beyond recognition. +% +Brooks's Law: + Adding manpower to a late software project makes it later +% +Brucify, v: + 1: Kill by nailing onto style(9); "David O'Brien was brucified" + 2: Annoy constantly by reminding of potential improvements + [syn: {torment}, {rag}, {tantalize}, {bedevil}, {dun}, + {frustrate}] + 3: Fix problems that were indicated in an earlier brucification + (of one of the two other meanings). +The word 'brucify' originally comes from the style-reviews of Bruce +Evans of the FreeBSD project, but is now also sometimes used for +reviews just done in his spirit. +% BS: You remind me of a man. B: What man? BS: The man with the power. @@ -9956,20 +13570,49 @@ B: What man? BS: The man with the power... -- Cary Grant, "The Bachelor and the Bobby-Soxer" % +Bubble Memory, n.: + A derogatory term, usually referring to a person's +intelligence. See also "vacuum tube". +% Buck-passing usually turns out to be a boomerang. % +Bucy's Law: + Nothing is ever accomplished by a reasonable man. +% +Bug, n.: + An aspect of a computer program which exists because the +programmer was thinking about Jumbo Jacks or stock options when s/he +wrote the program. + +Fortunately, the second-to-last bug has just been fixed. + -- Ray Simard +% Bug, n.: An elusive creature living in a program that makes it incorrect. The activity of "debugging," or removing bugs from a program, ends when people get tired of doing it, not when the bugs are removed. -- "Datamation", January 15, 1984 % +Bugs, pl. n.: + Small living things that small living boys throw on small +living girls. +% Build a system that even a fool can use and only a fool will want to use it. % Building translators is good clean fun. -- T. Cheatham % +BULLWINKLE: "You just leave that to my pal. He's the brains of the + outfit." +GENERAL: "What does that make YOU?" +BULLWINKLE: "What else? An executive..." + -- Jay Ward , "Rocky and Bullwinkle" +% +Bumper sticker: + All the parts falling off this car are + of the very finest British manufacture. +% Bunker's Admonition: You cannot buy beer; you can only rent it. % @@ -9986,10 +13629,28 @@ Bureau Termination, Law of: Bureaucracy, n.: A method for transforming energy into solid waste. % +Bureaucrat, n.: + A person who cuts red tape sideways. + -- J. McCabe +% +Bureaucrat, n.: + A politician who has tenure. +% +Bureaucrats cut red tape -- lengthwise. +% Burke's Postulates: Anything is possible if you don't know what you are talking about. Don't create a problem for which you do not have the answer. % +Burn's Hog Weighing Method: + (1) Get a perfectly symmetrical plank and balance it across a + sawhorse. + (2) Put the hog on one end of the plank. + (3) Pile rocks on the other end until the plank is again + perfectly balanced. + (4) Carefully guess the weight of the rocks. + -- Robert Burns +% Burnt Sienna. That's the best thing that ever happened to Crayolas. -- Ken Weaver % @@ -10019,6 +13680,9 @@ of value. % But Captain -- the engines can't take this much longer! % +"But don't you worry, its for a cause -- feeding global corporations +paws." +% But, for my own part, it was Greek to me. -- William Shakespeare, "Julius Caesar" % @@ -10035,6 +13699,8 @@ I meant no harm; I just liked the explosions. And I was careful never to kill more than I could eat. -- Raoul Duke % +But I don't like Spam!!!! +% "But I don't want to go on the cart..." "Oh, don't be such a baby!" "But I'm feeling much better..." @@ -10060,6 +13726,12 @@ But if you wish at once to do nothing and to be respectable nowadays, the best pretext is to be at work on some profound study. -- Leslie Stephen, "Sketches from Cambridge" % +But in our enthusiasm, we could not resist a radical overhaul of the +system, in which all of its major weaknesses have been exposed, +analyzed, and replaced with new weaknesses. + -- Bruce Leverett, + "Register Allocation in Optimizing Compilers" +% But it does move! -- Galileo Galilei % @@ -10077,15 +13749,60 @@ But, officer, he's not drunk, I just saw his fingers twitch! % But Officer, I stopped for the last one, and it was green! % +"But officer, I was only trying to gain enough speed so I could coast +to the nearest gas station." +% +But scientists, who ought to know +Assure us that it must be so. +Oh, let us never, never doubt +What nobody is sure about. + -- Hilaire Belloc +% But sex and drugs and rock & roll, why, they'd bring our blackest day. % But since I knew now that I could hope for nothing of greater value than frivolous pleasures, what point was there in denying myself of them? -- M. Proust % +But soft you, the fair Ophelia: +Ope not thy ponderous and marble jaws, +But get thee to a nunnery -- go! + -- Mark "The Bard" Twain +% +But the greatest Electrical Pioneer of them all was Thomas Edison, who +was a brilliant inventor despite the fact that he had little formal +education and lived in New Jersey. Edison's first major invention in +1877, was the phonograph, which could soon be found in thousands of +American homes, where it basically sat until 1923, when the record was +invented. But Edison's greatest achievement came in 1879, when he +invented the electric company. Edison's design was a brilliant +adaptation of the simple electrical circuit: the electric company sends +electricity through a wire to a customer, then immediately gets the +electricity back through another wire, then (this is the brilliant +part) sends it right back to the customer again. + +This means that an electric company can sell a customer the same batch +of electricity thousands of times a day and never get caught, since +very few customers take the time to examine their electricity closely. +In fact the last year any new electricity was generated in the United +States was 1937; the electric companies have been merely re-selling it +ever since, which is why they have so much free time to apply for rate +increases. + -- Dave Barry, "What is Electricity?" +% But these pills can't be habit forming; I've been taking them for years. % +But this has taken us far afield from interface, which is not a bad +place to be, since I particularly want to move ahead to the kludge. +Why do people have so much trouble understanding the kludge? What is a +kludge, after all, but not enough Ks, not enough ROMs, not enough RAMs, +poor quality interface and too few bytes to go around? Have I +explained yet about the bytes? +% +"But what we need to know is, do people want nasally-insertable +computers?" +% But you shall not escape my iambics. -- Gaius Valerius Catullus % @@ -10094,9 +13811,27 @@ reasoning and frauds of talkers about great and uncertain matters than those who speak of certain and natural matters, not of such lofty nature. -- Leonardo da Vinci, "The Codex on the Flight of Birds" % +Buzz off, Banana Nose; Relieve mine eyes +Of hateful soreness, purge mine ears of corn; +Less dear than army ants in apple pies +Art thou, old prune-face, with thy chestnuts worn, +Dropt from thy peeling lips like lousy fruit; +Like honeybees upon the perfum'd rose +They suck, and like the double-breasted suit +Are out of date; therefore, Banana Nose, +Go fly a kite, thy welcome's overstayed; +And stem the produce of thy waspish wits: +Thy logick, like thy locks, is disarrayed; +Thy cheer, like thy complexion, is the pits. +Be off, I say; go bug somebody new, +Scram, beat it, get thee hence, and nuts to you. +% buzzword, n: The fly in the ointment of computer literacy. % +By doing just a little every day, you can gradually let the task +completely overwhelm you. +% By failing to prepare, you are preparing to fail. % By long-standing tradition, I take this opportunity to savage other @@ -10108,12 +13843,24 @@ By nature, men are nearly alike; by practice, they get to be wide apart. -- Confucius % +"By necessity, by proclivity, and by delight, we all quote. +In fact, it is as difficult to appropriate the thoughts of others +as it is to invent. (R. Emerson)" + -- Quoted from a fortune cookie program + (whose author claims, "Actually, stealing IS easier.") + [to which I reply, "You think it's easy for me to + misconstrue all these misquotations?!?" Ed.] +% By perseverance the snail reached the Ark. -- Charles Spurgeon % By protracting life, we do not deduct one jot from the duration of death. -- Titus Lucretius Carus % +"By the time they had diminished from 50 to 8, the other dwarves began +to suspect 'Hungry' ..." + -- Gary Larson, "The Far Side" +% By the time you swear you're his, shivering and sighing and he vows his passion is @@ -10125,6 +13872,10 @@ One of you is lying. By the yard, life is hard. By the inch, it's a cinch. % +By trying, we can easily learn to endure adversity -- another man's, I +mean. + -- Mark Twain +% By working faithfully eight hours a day, you may eventually get to be boss and work twelve. -- Robert Frost @@ -10132,6 +13883,16 @@ you may eventually get to be boss and work twelve. byob, v: Believing Your Own Bull % +Bypasses are devices that allow some people to dash from point A to +point B very fast while other people dash from point B to point A very +fast. People living at point C, being a point directly in between, are +often given to wonder what's so great about point A that so many people +from point B are so keen to get there and what's so great about point B +that so many people from point A are so keen to get _____there. They often +wish that people would just once and for all work out where the hell +they wanted to be. + -- Douglas Adams, "The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy" +% BYTE editors are people who separate the wheat from the chaff, and then carefully print the chaff. % @@ -10150,14 +13911,44 @@ C makes it easy for you to shoot yourself in the foot. C++ makes that harder, but when you do, it blows away your whole leg. -- Bjarne Stroustrup % +C, n.: + A programming language that is sort of like Pascal except more +like assembly except that it isn't very much like either one, or +anything else. It is either the best language available to the art +today, or it isn't. + -- Ray Simard +% +Cabbage, n.: + A familiar kitchen-garden vegetable about as large and wise as +a man's head. + -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary" +% +Cable is not a luxury, since many areas have poor TV reception. + -- The mayor of Tucson, Arizona, 1989 +% Cache: A very expensive part of the memory system of a computer that no one is supposed to know is there. % +Cahn's Axiom: + When all else fails, read the instructions. +% +California is a fine place to live -- if you happen to be an orange. + -- Fred Allen +% +California, n.: + From Latin "calor", meaning "heat" (as in English "calorie" or +Spanish "caliente"); and "fornia'" for "sexual intercourse" or +"fornication." Hence: Tierra de California, "the land of hot sex." + -- Ed Moran +% Californians are a strange people. They'll put every chemical known to God and man up their nostrils and then laugh at you for putting sugar in your coffee. % +Call on God, but row away from the rocks. + -- Indian proverb +% Call things by their right names... Glass of brandy and water! That is the current but not the appropriate name: ask for a glass of fire and distilled damnation. @@ -10167,6 +13958,9 @@ damnation. [Quoted in "VMS Internals and Data Structures", V4.4, when referring to logical names.] % +"Calling J-Man Kink. Calling J-Man Kink. Hash missile sighted, target +Los Angeles. Disregard personal feelings about city and intercept." +% Calling J-Man Kink. Calling J-Man Kink. Hash missle sighted, target Los Angeles. Disregard personal feelings about city and intercept. % @@ -10184,11 +13978,22 @@ Calvin: "I wonder where we go when we die." Hobbes: "Pittsburgh?" Calvin: "You mean if we're good or if we're bad?" % +Calvin Coolidge looks as if he had been weaned on a pickle. + -- Alice Roosevelt Longworth +% +Calvin Coolidge was the greatest man who ever came out of Plymouth +Corner, Vermont. + -- Clarence Darrow +% Campbell's Law: Nature abhors a vacuous experimenter. % Campus crusade for Cthulhu -- it found me. % +Campus sidewalks never exist as the straightest line between two +points. + -- M. M. Johnston +% Can anyone remember when the times were not hard, and money not scarce? % @@ -10199,12 +14004,45 @@ Can you buy friendship? You not only can, you must. It's the only way to obtain friends. Everything worthwhile has a price. -- Robert J. Ringer % +Canada Bill Jones's Motto: + It's morally wrong to allow suckers to keep their money. + +Canada Bill Jones's Supplement: + A Smith and Wesson beats four aces. +% +Canada Post doesn't really charge 32 cents for a stamp. +It's 2 cents for postage and 30 cents for storage. + -- Gerald Regan, Cabinet Minister, 12/31/83 Financial Post +% +Cancel me not -- for what then shall remain? +Abscissas, some mantissas, modules, modes, +A root or two, a torus and a node: +The inverse of my verse, a null domain. + -- Stanislaw Lem, "Cyberiad" +% CANCER (June 21 - July 22) This is a good time for those of you who are rich and happy, but a poor time for those of you born under this sign who are poor and unhappy. To tell you the truth, any day is tough when you're poor and unhappy. % +CANCER (June 21 - July 22) + You are sympathetic and understanding to other people's +problems. They think you are a sucker. You are always putting things +off. That's why you'll never make anything of yourself. Most welfare +recipients are Cancer people. +% +Canonical, adj.: + The usual or standard state or manner of something. A true +story: One Bob Sjoberg, new at the MIT AI Lab, expressed some +annoyance at the use of jargon. Over his loud objections, we made a +point of using jargon as much as possible in his presence, and +eventually it began to sink in. Finally, in one conversation, he used +the word "canonical" in jargon-like fashion without thinking. + Steele: "Aha! We've finally got you talking jargon too!" + Stallman: "What did he say?" + Steele: "He just used `canonical' in the canonical way." +% Can't act. Slightly bald. Also dances. -- RKO executive, reacting to Fred Astaire's screen test. Cerf/Navasky, "The Experts Speak" @@ -10229,8 +14067,26 @@ CAPRICORN (Dec. 22 to Jan. 19) else, such as think. Romance is in the air, but not for you, so forget it. That pimple on the end of your nose will get worse. % +CAPRICORN (Dec 23 - Jan 19) + You are conservative and afraid of taking risks. You don't do +much of anything and are lazy. There has never been a Capricorn of any +importance. Capricorns should avoid standing still for too long as +they tend to take root and become trees. +% +Captain Penny's Law: + You can fool all of the people some of the time, and some of +the people all of the time, but you Can't Fool Mom. +% Captain's Log, star date 21:34.5... % +Carelessly planned projects take three times longer to complete than +expected. Carefully planned projects take four times longer to +complete than expected, mostly because the planners expect their +planning to reduce the time it takes. +% +Carmel, New York, has an ordinance forbidding men to wear coats and +trousers that don't match. +% Carney's Law: There's at least a 50-50 chance that someone will print the name Craney incorrectly. -- Jim Canrey @@ -10239,6 +14095,12 @@ Carob works on the principle that, when mixed with the right combination of fats and sugar, it can duplicate chocolate in color and texture. Of course, the same can be said of dirt. % +Carperpetuation (kar' pur pet u a shun), n.: + The act, when vacuuming, of running over a string at least a +dozen times, reaching over and picking it up, examining it, then +putting it back down to give the vacuum one more chance. + -- Rich Hall, "Sniglets" +% Carson's Consolation: Nothing is ever a complete failure. It can always be used as a bad example. @@ -10250,6 +14112,9 @@ Carswell's Corollary: Whenever man comes up with a better mousetrap, nature invariably comes up with a better mouse. % +Cat, n.: + Lapwarmer with built-in buzzer. +% Catch a wave and you're sitting on top of the world. -- The Beach Boys % @@ -10266,10 +14131,44 @@ a sled through the snow. % Cats, no less liquid than their shadows, offer no angles to the wind. % +Cauliflower is nothing but cabbage with a college education. + -- Mark Twain, "Pudd'nhead Wilson" +% +Caution: Breathing may be hazardous to your health. +% Caution: Keep out of reach of children. % +CChheecckk yyoouurr dduupplleexx sswwiittcchh.. +% CCI Power 6/40: one board, a megabyte of cache, and an attitude... % +Cecil, you're my final hope +Of finding out the true Straight Dope +For I have been reading of Schrodinger's cat +But none of my cats are at all like that. +This unusual animal (so it is said) +Is simultaneously alive and dead! +What I don't understand is just why he +Can't be one or the other, unquestionably. +My future now hangs in between eigenstates. +In one I'm enlightened, in the other I ain't. +If *you* understand, Cecil, then show me the way +And rescue my psyche from quantum decay. +But if this queer thing has perplexed even you, +Then I will *___and* I won't see you in Schrodinger's zoo. + -- Randy F., Chicago, "The Straight Dope, a compendium + of human knowledge" by Cecil Adams +% +Celebrate Hannibal Day this year. Take an elephant to lunch. +% +Celestial navigation is based on the premise that the Earth is the +center of the universe. The premise is wrong, but the navigation +works. An incorrect model can be a useful tool. + -- Kelvin Throop III +% +Census Taker to Housewife: +Did you ever have the measles, and, if so, how many? +% Center meeting at 4pm in 2C-543. % cerebral atrophy, n: @@ -10291,6 +14190,23 @@ imbiber with a healthier, more vibrant brain, and increases mental capacity. Thus, the devastating effects of cerebral atrophy are reversed, and academic performance actually increases beyond previous levels. % +Cerebus: I'd love to lick apricot brandy out of your navel. +Jaka: Look, Cerebus -- Jaka has to tell you ... something +Cerebus: If Cerebus had a navel, would you lick apricot brandy + out of it? +Jaka: Ugh! +Cerebus: You don't like apricot brandy? + -- Cerebus #6, "The Secret" +% +Certain old men prefer to rise at dawn, taking a cold bath and a long +walk with an empty stomach and otherwise mortifying the flesh. They +then point with pride to these practices as the cause of their sturdy +health and ripe years; the truth being that they are hearty and old, +not because of their habits, but in spite of them. The reason we find +only robust persons doing this thing is that it has killed all the +others who have tried it. + -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary" +% Certain passages in several laws have always defied interpretation and the most inexplicable must be a matter of opinion. A judge of the Court of Session of Scotland has sent the editors of this book his candidate which @@ -10304,6 +14220,11 @@ Certainly the game is rigged. Don't let that stop you; if you don't bet, you can't win. -- Robert A. Heinlein, "Time Enough For Love" % +Certainly there are things in life that money can't buy, +but it's very funny -- + Did you ever try buying them without money? + -- Ogden Nash +% C'est magnifique, mais ce n'est pas la guerre! % C'est magnifique, mais ce n'est pas l'Informatique. @@ -10339,6 +14260,9 @@ a function that would continue to grow, but never reach unity. This equation can be applied to charging capacitors, over-damped springs, and the human race in general. % +Character Density, n.: + The number of very weird people in the office. +% Character is what you are in the dark! -- Lord John Whorfin % @@ -10364,19 +14288,33 @@ Cheap things are of no value, valuable things are not cheap. Check me if I'm wrong, Sandy, but if I kill all the golfers... they're gonna lock me up and throw away the key! % +Checkuary, n.: + The thirteenth month of the year. Begins New Year's Day and +ends when a person stops absentmindedly writing the old year on his +checks. +% Cheer Up! Things are getting worse at a slower rate. % Cheese -- milk's leap toward immortality. -- Clifton Fadiman, "Any Number Can Play" % +Chef, n.: + Any cook who swears in French. +% Cheit's Lament: If you help a friend in need, he is sure to remember you-- the next time he's in need. % +Chemicals, n.: + Noxious substances from which modern foods are made. +% Chemist who falls in acid is absorbed in work. % Chemist who falls in acid will be tripping for weeks. % +Chemistry is applied theology. + -- Augustus Stanley Owsley III +% Chemistry professors never die, they just fail to react. % Cheops' Law: @@ -10390,24 +14328,80 @@ Cheops' Law: % Chess tonight. % +Chicago law prohibits eating in a place that is on fire. +% +Chicago, n.: + Where the dead still vote ... early and often! +% +Chicago Transit Authority Rider's Rule #36: + Never ever ask the tough looking gentleman wearing El Rukn +headgear where he got his "pyramid powered pizza warmer". + -- Chicago Reader 3/27/81 +% +Chicago Transit Authority Rider's Rule #84: + The CTA has complimentary pop-up timers available on request +for overheated passengers. When your timer pops up, the driver will +cheerfully baste you. + -- Chicago Reader 5/28/82 +% Chicagoan: "So, where're you from?" Hoosier: "What's wrong with Indiana?" % +Chicken Little only has to be right once. +% +Chicken Little was right. +% +Chicken Soup, n.: + An ancient miracle drug containing equal parts of aureomycin, +cocaine, interferon, and TLC. The only ailment chicken soup can't cure +is neurotic dependence on one's mother. + -- Arthur Naiman, "Every Goy's Guide to Yiddish" +% Chihuahuas drive me crazy. I can't stand anything that shivers when it's warm. % Children are like cats, they can tell when you don't like them. That's when they come over and violate your body space. % +Children are natural mimics who act like their parents +despite every effort to teach them good manners. +% +Children are unpredictable. You never know what inconsistency they're +going to catch you in next. + -- Franklin P. Jones +% +Children aren't happy without something to ignore, +And that's what parents were created for. + -- Ogden Nash +% Children begin by loving their parents. After a time they judge them. Rarely, if ever, do they forgive them. -- Oscar Wilde % +Children seldom misquote you. In fact, they usually +repeat word for word what you shouldn't have said. +% Children's talent to endure stems from their ignorance of alternatives. -- Maya Angelou, "I Know Why the Caged Bird Sings" % Chinese saying: "He who speak with forked tongue, not need chopsticks." % +Chism's Law of Completion: + The amount of time required to complete a government project is +precisely equal to the length of time already spent on it. +% +Chisolm's First Corollary to Murphy's Second Law: + When things just can't possibly get any worse, they will. +% +Chivalry, Schmivalry! + Roger the thief has a + method he uses for + sneaky attacks: +Folks who are reading are + Characteristically + Always Forgetting to + Guard their own bac ... +% Chocolate Chip. % Choose in marriage only a woman whom you would choose as @@ -10435,6 +14429,9 @@ Drinking beer and playing cards neighbors, plays with elves! -- Elmo and Patsy, "Grandma Got Run Over by a Reindeer" % +Christ: + A man who was born at least 5,000 years ahead of his time. +% Christ died for our sins, so let's not disappoint Him. % Christianity might be a good thing if anyone ever tried it. @@ -10461,6 +14458,19 @@ Driving his reindeer across the sky, Don't stand underneath when they fly by! -- Tom Lehrer % +Churchill's Commentary on Man: + Man will occasionally stumble over the truth, but most of the +time he will pick himself up and continue on. +% +Cigarette, n.: + A fire at one end, a fool at the other, and a bit of tobacco in +between. +% +Cinemuck, n.: + The combination of popcorn, soda, and melted chocolate which +covers the floors of movie theaters. + -- Rich Hall, "Sniglets" +% Circumstances rule men; men do not rule circumstances. -- Herodotus % @@ -10473,6 +14483,11 @@ See SYSNOTE tomorrow for more information. Civilization is the limitless multiplication of unnecessary necessities. -- Mark Twain % +Clairvoyant, n.: + A person, commonly a woman, who has the power of seeing that +which is invisible to her patron -- namely, that he is a blockhead. + -- Ambrose Bierce +% Claret is the liquor for boys; port for men; but he who aspires to be a hero... must drink brandy. -- Samuel Johnson @@ -10494,13 +14509,24 @@ Classical music is the kind we keep thinking will turn into a tune. Clay's Conclusion: Creativity is great, but plagiarism is faster. % +Cleaning your house while your kids are still growing is like +shoveling the walk before it stops snowing. + -- Phyllis Diller +% Cleanliness becomes more important when godliness is unlikely. -- P. J. O'Rourke % +Cleanliness is next to impossible. +% CLEVELAND: Where their last tornado did six million dollars worth of improvements. % +Cleveland still lives. God ____must be dead. +% +Cleveland? +Yes, I spent a week there one day. +% Climate and Surgery R C Gilchrist, who was shot by J Sharp twelve days ago, and who received a derringer ball in the right breast, and who it was supposed at @@ -10529,6 +14555,12 @@ clone, n: % Clones are people two. % +Cloning is the sincerest form of flattery. +% +Clothes make the man. +Naked people have little or no influence on society. + -- Mark Twain +% Clovis' Consideration of an Atmospheric Anomaly: The perversity of nature is nowhere better demonstrated than by the fact that, when exposed to the same atmosphere, @@ -10597,9 +14629,20 @@ COBOL is for morons. % COBOL programmers are down in the dumps. % +COBOL programs are an exercise in Artificial Inelegance. +% +Cocaine -- the thinking man's Dristan. +% Coding is easy; All you do is sit staring at a terminal until the drops of blood form on your forehead. % +Cogito cogito ergo cogito sum -- +"I think that I think, therefore I think that I am." + -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary" +% +Cogito ergo I'm right and you're wrong. + -- Blair Houghton +% Cohen's Law: There is no bottom to worse. % @@ -10608,14 +14651,39 @@ Cohn's Law: time you have to do anything. Stability is achieved when you spend all your time reporting on the nothing you are doing. % +Coincidence, n.: + You weren't paying attention to the other half of what was +going on. +% +Coincidences are spiritual puns. + -- G. K. Chesterton +% +Cold, adj.: + When the local flashers are handing out written descriptions. +% +Cold, adj.: + When the politicians walk around with their hands in their own +pockets. +% Cold hands, no gloves. % Cole's Law: Thinly sliced cabbage. % +Collaboration, n.: + A literary partnership based on the false assumption that the +other fellow can spell. +% COLLEGE: The fountains of knowledge, where everyone goes to drink. % +College football is a game which would be much more interesting if the +faculty played instead of the students, and even more interesting if +the trustees played. There would be a great increase in broken arms, +legs, and necks, and simultaneously an appreciable diminution in the +loss to humanity. + -- H. L. Mencken +% COLORADO: Where they don't buy M & M's, 'cause they're so hard to peel. % @@ -10642,6 +14710,23 @@ one will have the remotest idea of what you're talking about," says Broughton, "but the important thing is that they're not about to admit it." -- Philip Broughton, "How to Win at Wordsmanship" % +Colvard's Logical Premises: + All probabilities are 50%. Either a thing will happen or it + won't. + +Colvard's Unconscionable Commentary: + This is especially true when dealing with someone you're + attracted to. + +Grelb's Commentary: + Likelihoods, however, are 90% against you. +% +Come, every frustum longs to be a cone, +And every vector dreams of matrices. +Hark to the gentle gradient of the breeze: +It whispers of a more ergodic zone. + -- Stanislaw Lem, "Cyberiad" +% Come fill the cup and in the fire of spring Your winter garment of repentance fling. The bird of time has but a little way @@ -10657,6 +14742,12 @@ Tonight we will all merry be -- tomorrow we'll get sober. % Come, let us hasten to a higher plane, Where dyads tread the fairy fields of Venn, +Their indices bedecked from one to _n, +Commingled in an endless Markov chain! + -- Stanislaw Lem, "Cyberiad" +% +Come, let us hasten to a higher plane, +Where dyads tread the fairy fields of Venn, Their indices bedecked from one to n, Commingled in an endless Markov chain! @@ -10737,9 +14828,45 @@ Coming together is a beginning; keeping together is progress; working together is success. % +Command, n.: + Statement presented by a human and accepted by a computer in +such a manner as to make the human feel as if he is in control. +% Commit the oldest sins the newest kind of ways. -- William Shakespeare, "Henry IV" % +Commitment, n.: + Commitment can be illustrated by a breakfast of ham and eggs. +The chicken was involved, the pig was committed. +% +Committee, n.: + A group of men who individually can do nothing but as a group +decide that nothing can be done. + -- Fred Allen +% +Committee Rules: + (1) Never arrive on time, or you will be stamped a beginner. + (2) Don't say anything until the meeting is half over; this + stamps you as being wise. + (3) Be as vague as possible; this prevents irritating the + others. + (4) When in doubt, suggest that a subcommittee be appointed. + (5) Be the first to move for adjournment; this will make you + popular -- it's what everyone is waiting for. +% +Committees have become so important nowadays that subcommittees have to +be appointed to do the work. +% +Common sense and a sense of humor are the same thing, moving at +different speeds. A sense of humor is just common sense, dancing. + -- Clive James +% +Common sense is instinct, and enough of it is genius. + -- Josh Billings +% +Common sense is the collection of prejudices acquired by age eighteen. + -- Albert Einstein +% Common sense is the most evenly distributed quantity in the world. Everyone thinks he has enough. -- Rene Descartes, 1637 @@ -10751,6 +14878,10 @@ Commoner's three laws of ecology: % Communicate! It can't make things any worse. % +Comparing information and knowledge is like asking whether the fatness +of a pig is more or less green than the designated hitter rule." + -- David Guaspari +% Comparing software engineering to classical engineering assumes that software has the ability to wear out. Software typically behaves, or it does not. It either works, or it does not. Software generally does not degrade, abrade, @@ -10789,6 +14920,8 @@ COMPUTER: totally understandable, rigorously logical manner. If you believe this, see me about a bridge I have for sale in Manhattan. % +Computer programmers do it byte by byte. +% Computer programmers never die, they just get lost in the processing. % Computer programs expand so as to fill the core available. @@ -10802,6 +14935,9 @@ COMPUTER SCIENCE: 5) Tautology harnessed in the service of Man at the speed of light. 6) The Post-Turing decline in formal systems theory. % +Computer Science is merely the post-Turing decline in formal systems +theory. +% Computer Science is no more about computers than astronomy is about telescopes. -- Edsger W. Dijkstra @@ -10810,18 +14946,38 @@ Computer Science is the only discipline in which we view adding a new wing to a building as being maintenance -- Jim Horning % +Computers are not intelligent. They only think they are. +% Computers are unreliable, but humans are even more unreliable. Any system which depends on human reliability is unreliable. -- Gilb % +Computers are useless. They can only give you answers. + -- Pablo Picasso +% +Computers can figure out all kinds of problems, except the things in +the world that just don't add up. +% Computers don't actually think. You just think they think. (We think.) % +Computers will not be perfected until they can compute how much more +than the estimate the job will cost. +% +Conceit causes more conversation than wit. + -- La Rochefoucauld +% +Concept, n.: + Any "idea" for which an outside consultant billed you more than +$25,000. +% Conceptual integrity in turn dictates that the design must proceed from one mind, or from a very small number of agreeing resonant minds. -- Frederick Brooks Jr., "The Mythical Man Month" % +Condense soup, not books! +% CONFERENCE: A special meeting in which the boss gathers subordinates to hear what they have to say, so long as it doesn't conflict with what @@ -10833,6 +14989,10 @@ confess them to man and you will be laughed at. % Confession is good for the soul, but bad for the career. % +Confession is good for the soul only in the sense +that a tweed coat is good for dandruff. + -- Peter de Vries +% Confessions may be good for the soul, but they are bad for the reputation. -- Lord Thomas Dewar @@ -10845,6 +15005,8 @@ Confidence is simply that quiet, assured feeling you have before you fall flag on your face. -- Dr. L. Binder % +Confidence is the feeling you have before you understand the situation. +% CONFIRMED BACHELOR: A man who goes through life without a hitch. % @@ -10871,6 +15033,20 @@ Congratulations! You are the one-millionth user to log into our system. If there's anything special we can do for you, anything at all, don't hesitate to ask! % +Congratulations! You have purchased an extremely fine device that +would give you thousands of years of trouble-free service, except that +you undoubtedly will destroy it via some typical bonehead consumer +maneuver. Which is why we ask you to PLEASE FOR GOD'S SAKE READ THIS +OWNER'S MANUAL CAREFULLY BEFORE YOU UNPACK THE DEVICE. YOU ALREADY +UNPACKED IT, DIDN'T YOU? YOU UNPACKED IT AND PLUGGED IT IN AND TURNED +IT ON AND FIDDLED WITH THE KNOBS, AND NOW YOUR CHILD, THE SAME CHILD +WHO ONCE SHOVED A POLISH SAUSAGE INTO YOUR VIDEOCASSETTE RECORDER AND +SET IT ON "FAST FORWARD", THIS CHILD ALSO IS FIDDLING WITH THE KNOBS, +RIGHT? AND YOU'RE JUST NOW STARTING TO READ THE INSTRUCTIONS, +RIGHT??? WE MIGHT AS WELL JUST BREAK THESE DEVICES RIGHT AT THE +FACTORY BEFORE WE SHIP THEM OUT, YOU KNOW THAT? + -- Dave Barry, "Read This First!" +% Congratulations are in order for Tom Reid. He says he just found out he is the winner of the 2021 Psychic of the @@ -10890,19 +15066,41 @@ Conjecture: All odd numbers are prime. Computer Scientist's Proof: 3 is prime. 3 is prime. 3 is prime. 3 is prime... % +Connector Conspiracy, n: + [probably came into prominence with the appearance of the +KL-10, none of whose connectors match anything else] The tendency of +manufacturers (or, by extension, programmers or purveyors of anything) +to come up with new products which don't fit together with the old +stuff, thereby making you buy either all new stuff or expensive +interface devices. +% Conquering Russia should be done steppe by steppe. % Conscience doth make cowards of us all. -- William Shakespeare % +Conscience is a mother-in-law whose visit never ends. + -- H. L. Mencken +% Conscience is defined as the thing that hurts when everything else feels great. % +Conscience is the inner voice that warns us somebody is looking + -- H. L. Mencken +% +Conscience is what hurts when everything else feels so good. +% +Conscious is when you are aware of something and conscience is when you +wish you weren't. +% CONSENT DECREE: A document in which a hapless company consents never to commit in the future whatever heinous violations of Federal law it never admitted to in the first place. % +Consequences, Schmonsequences, as long as I'm rich. + -- "Ali Baba Bunny" [1957, Chuck Jones] +% Conservative: One who admires radicals centuries after they're dead. -- Leo C. Rosten @@ -10951,6 +15149,9 @@ CONSULTANT: Someone who'd rather climb a tree and tell a lie than stand on the ground and tell the truth. % +Consultants are mystical people who ask a company for a number and then +give it back to them. +% CONSULTATION: Medical term meaning "to share the wealth." % @@ -10961,12 +15162,29 @@ will be, part of the dangerous alluring courtship ritual of sex and seduction, observable even in the animal kingdom. -- Camille Paglia, NY Times, Dec. 14 1990, Op Ed. % +"Contrariwise," continued Tweedledee, "if it was so, it might be, and +if it were so, it would be; but as it isn't, it ain't. That's logic!" + -- Lewis Carroll, "Through the Looking Glass" +% +"Contrary to popular belief, penguins are not the salvation of modern +technology. Neither do they throw parties for the urban proletariat." +% Convention is the ruler of all. -- Pindar % Conversation enriches the understanding, but solitude is the school of genius. % +Conversation, n.: + A vocal competition in which the one who is catching his breath +is called the listener. +% +Conway's Law: + In any organization there will always be one person who knows + what is going on. + + This person must be fired. +% Cops never say good-bye. They're always hoping to see you again in the line-up. -- Raymond Chandler @@ -10981,6 +15199,12 @@ Coronation, n: signs of his divine right to be blown skyhigh with a dynamite bomb. -- Ambrose Bierce % +Coronation, n.: + The ceremony of investing a sovereign with the outward and +visible signs of his divine right to be blown skyhigh with a dynamite +bomb. + -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary" +% Correction does much, but encouragement does more. -- Johann Wolfgang von Goethe % @@ -10988,6 +15212,18 @@ Correspondence Corollary: An experiment may be considered a success if no more than half your data must be discarded to obtain correspondence with your theory. % +Corrupt, adj.: + In politics, holding an office of trust or profit. +% +Corrupt, stupid grasping functionaries will make at least as big a +muddle of socialism as stupid, selfish and acquisitive employers can +make of capitalism. + -- Walter Lippmann +% +Corruption is not the #1 priority of the Police Commissioner. His job +is to enforce the law and fight crime. + -- P.B.A. President E. J. Kiernan +% Corry's Law: Paper is always strongest at the perforations. % @@ -11014,9 +15250,21 @@ Courage is resistance to fear, mastery of fear -- not absence of fear. % Courage is your greatest present need. % +Court, n.: + A place where they dispense with justice. + -- Arthur Train +% Courtship to marriage, as a very witty prologue to a very dull play. -- William Congreve % +Coward, n.: + One who in a perilous emergency thinks with his legs. + -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary" +% +Crash programs fail because they are based on the theory that, with +nine women pregnant, you can get a baby a month. + -- Wernher von Braun +% Crazee Edeee, his prices are INSANE!!! % Creating computer software is always a demanding and painstaking @@ -11048,6 +15296,14 @@ Crenna's Law of Political Accountability: you are going to be held responsible for acting on it, regardless of your formal duties. % +Crime does not pay ... as well as politics. + -- A. E. Neuman +% +Critic, n.: + A person who boasts himself hard to please because nobody tries +to please him. + -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary" +% Criticism comes easier than craftsmanship. -- Zeuxis % @@ -11058,6 +15314,9 @@ seen it done every day, but they're unable to do it themselves. Crito, I owe a cock to Asclepius; will you remember to pay the debt? -- Socrates' last words % +Croll's Query: + If tin whistles are made of tin, what are foghorns made of? +% Cropp's Law: The amount of work done varies inversely with the time spent in the office. @@ -11090,6 +15349,10 @@ CURSOR: One whose program will not run. -- Robb Russon % +cursor address, n: + "Hello, cursor!" + -- Stan Kelly-Bootle, "The Devil's DP Dictionary" +% curtation n. The enforced compression of a string in the fixed-length field environment. The problem of fitting extremely variable-length strings such as names, @@ -11127,6 +15390,11 @@ Cutler Webster's Law: There are two sides to every argument, unless a person is personally involved, in which case there is only one. % +"Cutting the space budget really restores my faith in humanity. It +eliminates dreams, goals, and ideals and lets us get straight to the +business of hate, debauchery, and self-annihilation." + -- Johnny Hart +% Cynic, n: A blackguard whose faulty vision sees things as they are, not as they ought to be. Hence the custom among the @@ -11134,8 +15402,17 @@ Cynic, n: -- Ambrose Bierce % Cynic, n.: + A blackguard whose faulty vision sees things as they are, not +as they ought to be. Hence the custom among the Scythians of plucking +out a cynic's eyes to improve his vision. + -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary" +% +Cynic, n.: Experienced. % +Cynic, n.: + One who looks through rose-colored glasses with a jaundiced eye. +% Dad always thought laughter was the best medicine, which I guess is why several of us died of tuberculosis. -- Jack Handey @@ -11159,6 +15436,9 @@ Damn, I need a Coke! % DAMN IT, I GOTTA GET OUTTA HERE! % +Dare to be naive. + -- R. Buckminster Fuller +% Dark and lonely on a summer night Kill my landlord, Kill my landlord. @@ -11183,6 +15463,8 @@ opposite sex whose name you cannot at the moment remember. Darth Vader! Only you would be so bold! -- Princess Leia Organa % +Darth Vader sleeps with a Teddywookie. +% DATA: An accrual of straws on the backs of theories. % @@ -11190,6 +15472,9 @@ DATA: Computerspeak for "information". Properly pronounced the way Bostonians pronounce the word for a female child. % +Dave Mack: "Your stupidity, Allen, is simply not up to par." +Allen Gwinn: "Yours is." +% David Letterman's "Things we can be proud of as Americans": * Greatest number of citizens who have actually boarded a UFO @@ -11209,9 +15494,23 @@ Davis' Law of Traffic Density: Davis's Dictum: Problems that go away by themselves, come back by themselves. % +Dawn, n.: + The time when men of reason go to bed. + -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary" +% +Day of inquiry. You will be subpoenaed. +% +%DCL-E-MEMBAD, bad memory +-SYSTEM-F-VMSPDGERS, pudding between the ears +% DEADWOOD: Anyone in your company who is more senior than you are. % +Dealing with failure is easy: + Work hard to improve. +Success is also easy to handle: + You've solved the wrong problem. Work hard to improve. +% Dealing with the problem of pure staff accumulation, all our researches ... point to an average increase of 5.75% per year. -- C. N. Parkinson @@ -11348,10 +15647,34 @@ unknown to you we have something in common. We are both rather prone to mistakes. I was elected Student Government President by mistake, and you came to school here by mistake. % +Dear Lord: + I just want *___one* one-armed manager so I never have to hear "On +the other hand", again. +% Dear Lord: Please make my words sweet and tender, for tomorrow I may have to eat them. % Dear Miss Manners: + My home economics teacher says that one must never place one's +elbows on the table. However, I have read that one elbow, in between +courses, is all right. Which is correct? + +Gentle Reader: + For the purpose of answering examinations in your home +economics class, your teacher is correct. Catching on to this +principle of education may be of even greater importance to you now +than learning correct current table manners, vital as Miss Manners +believes that is. +% +Dear Miss Manners: + Please list some tactful ways of removing a man's saliva from +your face. + +Gentle Reader: + Please list some decent ways of acquiring a man's saliva on +your face ... +% +Dear Miss Manners: I carry a big black umbrella, even if there's just a thirty percent chance of rain. May I ask a young lady who is a stranger to me to share its protection? This morning, I was waiting for a bus in comparative comfort, my umbrella @@ -11367,6 +15690,32 @@ attractive she is. In order not to give Good Samaritanism a bad name, Miss Manners asks you to allow her two or three rainy days of unmolested protection before making your attack. % +Dear Mister Language Person: I am curious about the expression, "Part +of this complete breakfast". The way it comes up is, my 5-year-old +will be watching TV cartoon shows in the morning, and they'll show a +commercial for a children's compressed breakfast compound such as +"Froot Loops" or "Lucky Charms", and they always show it sitting on a +table next to some actual food such as eggs, and the announcer always +says: "Part of this complete breakfast". Doesn't that really mean, +"Adjacent to this complete breakfast", or "On the same table as this +complete breakfast"? And couldn't they make essentially the same claim +if, instead of Froot Loops, they put a can of shaving cream there, or a +dead bat? + +Answer: Yes. + -- Dave Barry, "Tips for Writer's" +% +Dear Mister Language Person: What is the purpose of the apostrophe? + +Answer: The apostrophe is used mainly in hand-lettered small business +signs to alert the reader that an "S" is coming up at the end of a +word, as in: WE DO NOT EXCEPT PERSONAL CHECK'S, or: NOT RESPONSIBLE FOR +ANY ITEM'S. Another important grammar concept to bear in mind when +creating hand-lettered small-business signs is that you should put +quotation marks around random words for decoration, as in "TRY" OUR HOT +DOG'S, or even TRY "OUR" HOT DOG'S. + -- Dave Barry, "Tips for Writer's" +% Dear Ms. Postnews: I couldn't get mail through to somebody on another site. What should I do? @@ -11420,8 +15769,25 @@ Death is a spirit leaving a body, sort of like a shell leaving the nut behind. -- Erma Bombeck % +Death is God's way of telling you not to be such a wise guy. +% +Death is life's way of telling you you've been fired. + -- R. Geis +% +Death is Nature's way of recycling human beings. +% +Death is nature's way of saying `Howdy'. +% +Death is nature's way of telling you to slow down. +% +Death is only a state of mind. + +Only it doesn't leave you much time to think about anything else. +% Death rays don't kill people, people kill people!! % +Death to all fanatics! +% DEATH WISH: The only wish that always comes true, whether or not one wishes it to. % @@ -11443,10 +15809,22 @@ ova, n: Location above or across a specified position. What the season is when the Knicks quit playing. -- Massachewsetts Unabridged Dictionary % +Decision maker, n.: + The person in your office who was unable to form a task force +before the music stopped. +% DECISIONMAKER: The person in your office who was unable to form a task force before the music stopped. % +Decisions of the judges will be final unless shouted down by a really +overwhelming majority of the crowd present. Abusive and obscene +language may not be used by contestants when addressing members of the +judging panel, or, conversely, by members of the judging panel when +addressing contestants (unless struck by a boomerang). + -- Mudgeeraba Creek Emu-Riding and Boomerang-Throwing + Assoc. +% Declared guilty... of displaying feelings of an almost human nature. -- Pink Floyd, "The Wall" % @@ -11454,12 +15832,37 @@ Decorate your home. It gives the illusion that your life is more interesting than it really is. -- C. Schultz % +"Deep" is a word like "theory" or "semantic" -- it implies all sorts of +marvelous things. It's one thing to be able to say "I've got a +theory", quite another to say "I've got a semantic theory", but, ah, +those who can claim "I've got a deep semantic theory", they are truly +blessed. + -- Randy Davis +% DEFAULT: The hardware's, of course. % +default, n.: + [Possibly from Black English "De fault wid dis system is you, +mon."] The vain attempt to avoid errors by inactivity. "Nothing will +come of nothing: speak again." -- King Lear + -- Stan Kelly-Bootle, "The Devil's DP Dictionary" +% Defeat is worse than death because you have to live with defeat. -- Bill Musselman % +#define BITCOUNT(x) (((BX_(x)+(BX_(x)>>4)) & 0x0F0F0F0F) % 255) +#define BX_(x) ((x) - (((x)>>1)&0x77777777) \ + - (((x)>>2)&0x33333333) \ + - (((x)>>3)&0x11111111)) + + -- really weird C code to count the number of bits in a word +% +Definitions of hardware and software for dummies: + + Hardware is what you kick; + Software is what you curse. +% Deflector shields just came on, Captain. % (defun NF (a c) @@ -11517,6 +15920,13 @@ with meditation, then in the future this problem child could become a wonder child. -- Dr. Albert Hoffman % +Deliberation, n.: + The act of examining one's bread to determine which side it is +buttered on. + -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary" +% +Deliver yesterday, code today, think tomorrow. +% Delores breezed along the surface of her life like a flat stone forever skipping along smooth water, rippling reality sporadically but oblivious to it consistently, until she finally lost momentum, sank, and due to an @@ -11530,19 +15940,48 @@ Delusions are often functional. A mother's opinions about her children's beauty, intelligence, goodness, et cetera ad nauseam, keep her from drowning them at birth. % +Demand the establishment of the government +in its rightful home at Disneyland. +% Democracy becomes a government of bullies, tempered by editors. -- Ralph Waldo Emerson % Democracy can only be measured on the existence of an opposition. -- Poul Henningsen (1894-1967) % +Democracy is a device that ensures we shall be governed no better than +we deserve. + -- George Bernard Shaw +% +Democracy is a form of government in which it is permitted to wonder +aloud what the country could do under first-class management. + -- Senator Soaper +% +Democracy is a form of government that substitutes election by the +incompetent many for appointment by the corrupt few. + -- George Bernard Shaw +% +Democracy is a government where you can say what you think even if you +don't think. +% Democracy is a process by which the people are free to choose the man who will get the blame. -- Dr. Laurence J. Peter % +Democracy is also a form of worship. +It is the worship of Jackals by Jackasses. + -- H. L. Mencken +% +Democracy is good. I say this because other systems are worse. + -- Jawaharlal Nehru +% Democracy is the name we give the people whenever we need them. -- Arman de Caillavet, 1913 % +Democracy is the recurrent suspicion that more than half of the people +are right more than half of the time. + -- E. B. White +% Democracy is the theory that the common people know what they want, and deserve to get it good and hard. -- H. L. Mencken, "Little Book in C major", 1916 @@ -11552,6 +15991,17 @@ forms that have been tried from time to time. -- Winston Churchill % Democracy, n.: + A government of the masses. Authority derived through mass +meeting or any other form of direct expression. Results in mobocracy. +Attitude toward property is communistic... negating property rights. +Attitude toward law is that the will of the majority shall regulate, +whether it is based upon deliberation or governed by passion, +prejudice, and impulse, without restraint or regard to consequences. +Result is demagogism, license, agitation, discontent, anarchy. + -- U. S. Army Training Manual No. 2000-25 (1928-1932), + since withdrawn. +% +Democracy, n.: In which you say what you like and do what you're told. -- Gerald Barry @@ -11575,8 +16025,16 @@ Most of the stuff alongside the road has been thrown out of car windows by Democrats. -- Paul Dickson, "The Official Rules" % +Demographic polls show that you have lost credibility across the +board. Especially with those 14 year-old Valley girls. +% Dental health is next to mental health. % +Dentist, n.: + A Prestidigitator who, putting metal in one's mouth, pulls +coins out of one's pockets. + -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary" +% Denver, n: A smallish city located just below the `O' in Colorado. % @@ -11604,15 +16062,31 @@ design, v: Desist from enumerating your fowl prior to their emergence from the shell. % +Despising machines to a man, +The Luddites joined up with the Klan, + And ride out by night + In a sheeting of white +To lynch all the robots they can. + -- C. M. and G. A. Maxson +% Despite all appearances, your boss is a thinking, feeling, human being. % +Dessert is probably the most important stage of the meal, since it will +be the last thing your guests remember before they pass out all over +the table. + -- The Anarchist Cookbook +% Destiny is a good thing to accept when it's going your way. When it isn't, don't call it destiny; call it injustice, treachery, or simple bad luck. -- Joseph Heller, "God Knows" % Detroit is Cleveland without the glitter. % +DeVries' Dilemma: + If you hit two keys on the typewriter, the one you don't want +hits the paper. +% Dianetics is a milestone for man comparable to his discovery of fire and superior to his invention of the wheel and the arch. -- L. Ron Hubbard @@ -11620,6 +16094,8 @@ fire and superior to his invention of the wheel and the arch. Dibble's First Law of Sociology: Some do, some don't. % +Did I say 2? I lied. +% Did it ever occur to you that fat chance and slim chance mean the same thing? @@ -11681,9 +16157,27 @@ select a fortune at random from either the offensive or inoffensive set, and it is suggested that "fortune -a" is the command that you should have in your .profile or .cshrc. file. % +Did you know that clones never use mirrors? + -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary" +% Did you know that for the price of a 280-Z you can buy two Z-80's? -- P. J. Plauger % +Did you know that if you took all the economists in the world and lined +them up end to end, they'd still point in the wrong direction? +% +Did you know ... + +That no-one ever reads these things? +% +Did you know that the voice tapes easily identify the Russian pilot +that shot down the Korean jet? At one point he definitely states: + + "Natasha! First we shoot jet, then we go after moose and + squirrel." + + -- ihuxw!tommyo +% Did you know the University of Iowa closed down after someone stole the book? % @@ -11698,11 +16192,21 @@ Didja hear about the dyslexic devil worshipper who sold his soul to Santa? "Didn't I buy a 1951 Packard from you last March in Cairo?" -- Zippy the Pinhead % +"Die? I should say not, dear fellow. No Barrymore would allow such a +conventional thing to happen to him." + -- John Barrymore's dying words +% +Die, v.: + To stop sinning suddenly. + -- Elbert Hubbard +% Diet Mountain Dew has the same pH and density of urine. -- Newsweek, 31 July, 1989 % Dieters live life in the fasting lane. % +Different all twisty a of in maze are you, passages little. +% Digital circuits are made from analog parts. -- Don Vonada % @@ -11716,6 +16220,9 @@ Dimensions will always be expressed in the least usable term, convertible only through the use of weird and unnatural conversion factors. Velocity, for example, will be expressed in furlongs per fortnight. % +Dimensions will always be expressed in the least usable term. +Velocity, for example, will be expressed in furlongs per fortnight. +% Dinner is ready when the smoke alarm goes off. % Dinner suggestion #302 (Hacker's De-lite): @@ -11741,6 +16248,9 @@ Diplomacy is the art of letting someone else have your way. Diplomacy is the art of letting the other party have things your way. -- Daniele Vare % +Diplomacy is the art of saying "nice doggy" until you can find a rock. + -- Wynn Catlin +% Diplomacy is to do and say, the nastiest thing in the nicest way. -- Balfour % @@ -11757,12 +16267,29 @@ Dirksen's Three Laws of Politics: disbar, n: As distinguished from some other bar. % +Disc space -- the final frontier! +% +Disclaimer: Any resemblance between the above views and those of my +employer, my terminal, or the view out my window are purely +coincidental. Any resemblance between the above and my own views is +non-deterministic. The question of the existence of views in the +absence of anyone to hold them is left as an exercise for the reader. +The question of the existence of the reader is left as an exercise for +the second god coefficient. (A discussion of non-orthogonal, +non-integral polytheism is beyond the scope of this article.) +% +Disclaimer: "These opinions are my own, though for a small fee they be +yours too." + -- Dave Haynie +% DISCLAIMER: Use of this advanced computing technology does not imply an endorsement of Western industrial civilization. % Disclose classified information only when a NEED TO KNOW exists. % +Disco is to music what Etch-A-Sketch is to art. +% Disease can be cured; fate is incurable. -- Chinese proverb % @@ -11779,6 +16306,17 @@ Benchmarks, and Delivery dates. Distance doesn't make you any smaller, but it does make you part of a larger picture. % +Distinctive, adj.: + A different color or shape than our competitors. +% +Distress, n.: + A disease incurred by exposure to the prosperity of a friend. + -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary" +% +District of Columbia pedestrians who leap over passing autos to escape +injury, and then strike the car as they come down, are liable for any +damage inflicted on the vehicle. +% Distrust all those who love you extremely upon a very slight acquaintance and without any visible reason. -- Lord Chesterfield @@ -11793,10 +16331,16 @@ Do clones have navels? Do I like getting drunk? Depends on who's doing the drinking. -- Amy Gorin % +Do infants have as much fun in infancy as adults do in adultery? +% Do Miami a favor. When you leave, take someone with you. % +Do molecular biologists wear designer genes? +% Do more than anyone expects, and pretty soon everyone will expect more. % +Do not believe in miracles -- rely on them. +% Do not clog intellect's sluices with bits of knowledge of questionable uses. % Do not count your chickens before they are hatched. @@ -11813,9 +16357,17 @@ Do not do unto others as you would they should do unto you. Their tastes may not be the same. -- George Bernard Shaw % +Do not drink coffee in early a.m. It will keep you awake until noon. +% Do not handicap your children by making their lives easy. -- Robert A. Heinlein % +Do not meddle in the affairs of troff, for it is subtle and quick to +anger. +% +"Do not meddle in the affairs of wizards, for you are crunchy and good +with ketchup." +% Do not meddle in the affairs of wizards, for they become soggy and hard to light. @@ -11824,6 +16376,10 @@ for they are subtle and quick to anger. % Do not overtax your powers. % +Do not read this fortune under penalty of law. +Violators will be prosecuted. +(Penal Code sec. 2.3.2 (II.a.)) +% Do not seek death; death will find you. But seek the road which makes death a fulfillment. -- Dag Hammarskjold @@ -11831,12 +16387,18 @@ But seek the road which makes death a fulfillment. Do not simplify the design of a program if a way can be found to make it complex and wonderful. % +Do not sleep in a eucalyptus tree tonight. +% Do not stoop to tie your laces in your neighbor's melon patch. % Do not take life too seriously; you will never get out of it alive. % Do not think by infection, catching an opinion like a cold. % +Do not try to solve all life's problems at once -- learn to dread each +day as it comes. + -- Donald Kaul +% Do not underestimate the power of the Farce. % Do not underestimate the power of the Force. @@ -11856,12 +16418,16 @@ Do, or do not; there is no try. % Do people know you have freckles everywhere? % +Do something unusual today. Pay a bill. +% Do students of Zen Buddhism do Om-work? % Do unto others before they undo you. % Do what comes naturally. Seethe and fume and throw a tantrum. % +Do what comes naturally now. Seethe and fume and throw a tantrum. +% Do what thou wilt shall be the whole of the Law. -- Aleister Crowley % @@ -11883,6 +16449,8 @@ This week we'll eat without guilt, and kick off our membership campaign, % Do you guys know what you're doing, or are you just hacking? % +Do you have lysdexia? +% Do YOU have redeeming social value? % Do you know, I think that Dr. Swift was silly to laugh about Laputa. @@ -11904,6 +16472,9 @@ Do you mean that you not only want a wrong answer, but a certain wrong answer? -- Tobaben % +Do you realize how many holes there could be if people would just take +the time to take the dirt out of them? +% Do you realize the responsibility I carry? I'm the only person standing between Nixon and the White House. -- John F. Kennedy, in 1960 @@ -11930,6 +16501,11 @@ just whipped out a quarter? "Well, SOMEbody's out to get me!" -- Calvin and Hobbs % +"Do you think what we're doing is wrong?" +"Of course it's wrong! It's illegal!" +"I've never done anything illegal before." +"I thought you said you were an accountant!" +% Do you think your mother and I should have lived comfortably so long together if ever we had been married? % @@ -11956,6 +16532,13 @@ Documentation: Instructions translated from Swedish by Japanese for English speaking persons. % +Documentation is like sex: when it is good, it is very, very good; and +when it is bad, it is better than nothing. + -- Dick Brandon +% +Documentation is the castor oil of programming. Managers know it must +be good because the programmers hate it so much. +% Does a good farmer neglect a crop he has planted? Does a good teacher overlook even the most humble student? Does a good father allow a single child to starve? @@ -11964,6 +16547,8 @@ Does a good programmer refuse to maintain his code? % Does a one-legged duck swim in a circle? % +Does the name Pavlov ring a bell? +% Dogs just don't seem to be able to tell the difference between important people and the rest of us. % @@ -11973,6 +16558,18 @@ Doing gets it done. % Domestic happiness and faithful friends. % +Don: I didn't know you had a cousin Penelope, Bill! Was she + pretty? +W. C.: Well, her face was so wrinkled it looked like seven miles of + bad road. She had so many gold teeth, Don, she use to have to + sleep with her head in a safe. She died in Bolivia. +Don: Oh Bill, it must be hard to lose a relative. +W. C.: It's almost impossible. + -- W. C. Fields, from "The Further Adventures of Larson + E. Whipsnade and other Tarradiddles" +% +Don't abandon hope: your Tom Mix decoder ring arrives tomorrow. +% Don't abandon hope. Your Captain Midnight decoder ring arrives tomorrow. % @@ -11984,19 +16581,45 @@ It's only me pursuing something I'm not sure of, Across my dreams, with neptive wonder, I chase the bright elusive butterfly of love. % +Don't be humble ... you're not that great. + -- Golda Meir +% Don't be irreplaceable, if you can't be replaced, you can't be promoted. % Don't be overly suspicious where it's not warranted. % +Don't believe everything you hear or anything you say. +% Don't buy a landslide. I don't want to have to pay for one more vote than I have to. -- Joseph P. Kennedy, on JFK's election strategy % +Don't change the reason, just change the excuses! + -- Joe Cointment +% +"Don't come back until you have him", the Tick-Tock Man said quietly, +sincerely, extremely dangerously. + +They used dogs. They used probes. They used cardio plate crossoffs. +They used teepers. They used bribery. They used stick tites. They +used intimidation. They used torment. They used torture. They used +finks. They used cops. They used search and seizure. They used +fallaron. They used betterment incentives. They used finger prints. +They used the bertillion system. They used cunning. They used guile. +They used treachery. They used Raoul-Mitgong but he wasn't much help. +They used applied physics. They used techniques of criminology. And +what the hell, they caught him. + + -- Harlan Ellison, "Repent, Harlequin, said the + Tick-Tock Man" +% Don't compare floating point numbers solely for equality. % Don't confuse things that need action with those that take care of themselves. % +Don't cook tonight -- starve a rat today! +% Don't crush that dwarf, hand me the pliers! -- Firesign Theatre % @@ -12023,9 +16646,13 @@ Don't everyone thank me at once! Don't expect people to keep in step-- it's hard enough just staying in line. % +Don't feed the bats tonight. +% Don't force it, get a larger hammer. -- Anthony % +Don't get even -- get odd! +% Don't get mad, get even. -- Joseph P. Kennedy @@ -12036,15 +16663,29 @@ Don't get mad, get interest. % Don't get stuck in a closet -- wear yourself out. % +Don't get suckered in by the comments -- they can be terribly +misleading. Debug only code. + -- Dave Storer +% Don't get to bragging. % +"Don't go around saying the world owes you a living. The world owes +you nothing. It was here first." + -- Mark Twain +% +Don't go surfing in South Dakota for a while. +% Don't go to bed with no price on your head. -- Baretta % Don't guess - check your security regulations. % +Don't hate yourself in the morning -- sleep till noon. +% Don't have good ideas if you aren't willing to be responsible for them. % +Don't hit a man when he's down -- kick him; it's easier. +% Don't hit the keys so hard, it hurts. % Don't I know you? @@ -12056,6 +16697,10 @@ Don't just eat a hamburger; eat the HELL out of it. % Don't kid yourself. Little is relevant, and nothing lasts forever. % +Don't kiss an elephant on the lips today. +% +Don't knock President Fillmore. He kept us out of Vietnam. +% Don't know what time I'll be back, Mom. Probably soon after she throws me out. % @@ -12071,8 +16716,14 @@ remember, if you don't follow your dreams, you'll never know what's on the other side of the rainbow... -- melba moore, "the other side of the rainbow" % +Don't let people drive you crazy when you know it's in walking distance. +% +Don't let your mind wander -- it's too little to be let out alone. +% Don't let your status become too quo! % +Don't look back, the lemmings are gaining on you. +% Don't look back, the lemmings might be gaining on you. % Don't look now, but the man in the moon is laughing at you. @@ -12096,6 +16747,9 @@ Don't mind him; politicians always sound like that. Don't plan any hasty moves. You'll be evicted soon anyway. % +Don't put off for tomorrow what you can do today, because if you enjoy +it today you can do it again tomorrow. +% Don't put off for tomorrow what you can do today because if you do it today, you can do it again tomorrow. % @@ -12114,6 +16768,9 @@ Don't relax! It's only your tension that's holding you together. Don't remember what you can infer. -- Harry Tennant % +Don't say "yes" until I finish talking. + -- Darryl F. Zanuck +% Don't shoot until you're sure you both aren't on the same side. % Don't shout for help at night. You might wake your neighbors. @@ -12125,8 +16782,15 @@ Don't speak about Time, until you have spoken to him. % Don't steal... the IRS hates competition! % +Don't steal; thou'lt never thus compete successfully in business. +Cheat. + -- Ambrose Bierce +% Don't stop to stomp ants when the elephants are stampeding. % +Don't suspect your friends -- turn them in! + -- "Brazil" +% Don't sweat it -- it's only ones and zeros. -- P. Skelly % @@ -12135,13 +16799,23 @@ Don't take a nickel, just hand them your business card. % Don't take life seriously, you'll never get out alive. % +Don't take life so serious, son, it ain't nohow permanent. + -- Walt Kelly +% +Don't take life too seriously -- you'll never get out of it alive. +% Don't talk to me about naval tradition. It's nothing but rum, sodomy and the lash. -- Winston Churchill % +Don't tell any big lies today. Small ones can be just as effective. +% Don't tell me how hard you work. Tell me how much you get done. -- James J. Ling % +"Don't tell me I'm burning the candle at both ends -- tell me where to +get more wax!!" +% Don't tell me that worry doesn't do any good. I know better. The things I worry about don't happen. -- Watchman Examiner @@ -12166,14 +16840,31 @@ Don't worry. Life's too long. % Don't worry -- the brontosaurus is slow, stupid, and placid. % +Don't worry about avoiding temptation -- as you grow older, it starts +avoiding you. + -- The Old Farmer's Almanac +% +"Don't worry about people stealing your ideas. If your ideas are any +good, you'll have to ram them down people's throats." + -- Howard Aiken +% +Don't worry about the world coming to an end today. It's already +tomorrow in Australia. + -- Charles Schultz +% Don't Worry, Be Happy. -- Meher Baba % Don't worry if you're a kleptomaniac, you can always take something for it. % +Don't worry over what other people are thinking about you. They're too +busy worrying over what you are thinking about them. +% Don't worry so loud, your roommate can't think. % +Don't you feel more like you do now than you did when you came in? +% "Don't you think what we're doing is wrong?" "Of course it's wrong! It's illegal!" "Well, I've never done anything illegal before." @@ -12211,6 +16902,11 @@ Double Bucky, I'd like a whole word of you! be added to terminal codes on 36-bit machines for use by screen editors. [to the tune of "Rubber Ducky"] % +Double-Blind Experiment, n.: + An experiment in which the chief researcher believes he is +fooling both the subject and the lab assistant. Often accompanied by a +strong belief in the tooth fairy. +% Doubt is a not a pleasant mental state, but certainty is a ridiculous one. -- Voltaire % @@ -12238,6 +16934,8 @@ Hustling the senoritas, While they dance beneath the stars. -- Jimmy Buffet, "Banana Republics" % +Down with categorical imperative! +% Down with the categorical imperative! % Dow's Law: @@ -12277,10 +16975,16 @@ Drakenberg's Discovery: If you can't seem to find your glasses, it's probably because you don't have them on. % +Drawing on my fine command of language, I said nothing. +% Dreams are free, but there's a small charge for alterations. % Dreams are free, but you get soaked on the connect time. % +Drew's Law of Highway Biology: + The first bug to hit a clean windshield lands directly in front +of your eyes. +% Drilling for oil is boring. % Drink and dance and laugh and lie @@ -12289,7 +16993,7 @@ For tomorrow we shall die! (But, alas, we never do.) -- Dorothy Parker, "The Flaw in Paganism" % -Drink Canada Dry! You might not succeed, but it *is* fun trying. +Drink Canada Dry! You might not succeed, but it *__is* fun trying. % Drinking coffee for instant relaxation? That's like drinking alcohol for instant motor skills. @@ -12306,6 +17010,8 @@ Drinking when we are not thirsty and making love at all seasons, madam: that is all there is to distinguish us from the other animals. -- Pierre de Beaumarchais, "Le Marriage de Figaro" % +Drive defensively. Buy a tank. +% Driving in Texas is simple. For the first 100 miles you swerve to avoid jackrabbits. For the second 100 miles you hit whatever jackrabbits get in the way. After that you chase off into the @@ -12330,10 +17036,19 @@ drug, n: A substance that, when injected into a rat, produces a scientific paper. % +Drugs may be the road to nowhere, but at least they're the scenic route! +% Drunks are rarely amusing unless they know some good songs and lose a lot a poker. -- Karyl Roosevelt % +Ducharme's Axiom: + If you view your problem closely enough you will recognize +yourself as part of the problem. +% +Ducharme's Precept: + Opportunity always knocks at the least opportune moment. +% Ducharme's Precept: Opportunity always knocks at the least opportune moment. @@ -12345,6 +17060,19 @@ Duckies are fun! % Ducks? What ducks?? % +Duct tape is like the force. It has a light side, and a dark side, and +it holds the universe together ... + -- Carl Zwanzig +% +Due to a shortage of devoted followers, the production of great leaders +has been discontinued. +% +Due to circumstances beyond your control, you are master of your fate +and captain of your soul. +% +Due to lack of disk space, this fortune database has been +discontinued. +% Dungeons and Dragons is just a lot of Saxon Violence. % During almost fifteen centuries the legal establishment of Christianity has @@ -12353,6 +17081,9 @@ pride and indolence in the clergy; ignorance and servility in the laity,; in both, superstition, bigotry, and persecution. -- James Madison % +During the next two hours, the system will be going up and down several +times, often with lin~po_~{po ~poz~ppo\~{ o n~po_~{o[po ~y oodsou>#w4k**n~po_~{ol;lkld;f;g;dd;po\~{o +% During the next two hours, the VAX will be going up and down several times, often with lin~po_~{po ~poz~ppo\~{ o n~po_~ {o[po ~poodsou>#w4k**n~po_~{ol;lkld;f;g;dd;po\~{o @@ -12376,6 +17107,10 @@ Duty, n: What one expects from others. -- Oscar Wilde % +"Dying is a very dull, dreary affair. And my advice to you is to have +nothing whatever to do with it." + -- W. Somerset Maugham +% Dying is a very dull, dreary affair. My advice to you is to have nothing whatever to do with it. -- W. Somerset Maugham, his last words @@ -12388,6 +17123,8 @@ Dying is one of the few things that can be done as easily lying down. % E = MC ** 2 +- 3db % +E Pluribus Unix +% Each man is his own prisoner, in solitary confinement for life. % Each new user of a new system uncovers a new class of bugs. @@ -12420,6 +17157,11 @@ university degree, influential parents, good looks, a curriculum vitae, two % Each person has the right to take the subway. % +Eagleson's Law: + Any code of your own that you haven't looked at for six or more +months, might as well have been written by someone else. (Eagleson is +an optimist, the real number is more like three weeks.) +% EARL GREY PROFILES NAME: Jean-Luc Perriwinkle Picard @@ -12451,10 +17193,26 @@ Early to rise and early to bed makes a man healthy and wealthy and dead. -- James Thurber % +Earn cash in your spare time -- blackmail your friends +% Earth Destroyed by Solar Flare -- film clips at eleven. % /earth: file system full. % +/earth is 98% full ... please delete anyone you can. +% +Earth is a beta site. +% +Earth is a great, big funhouse without the fun. + -- Jeff Berner +% +Easiest Color to Solve on a Rubik's Cube: + Black. Simply remove all the little colored stickers on the +cube, and each of side of the cube will now be the original color of +the plastic underneath -- black. According to the instructions, this +means the puzzle is solved. + -- Steve Rubenstein +% Easiest Color to Solve on a Rubik's Cube: Black. Simply remove all the little colored stickers on the cube, and each of @@ -12478,6 +17236,8 @@ Eat, drink, and be merry! Tomorrow you may be in Utah. % Eat, drink, and be merry, for tomorrow we diet. % +Eat, drink, and be merry, for tomorrow you may work. +% Eat one live frog the first thing in the morning and nothing worse will happen to either of you for the rest of the day. % @@ -12490,6 +17250,14 @@ Eat right, stay fit, and die anyway. % Eating chocolate is like being in love without the aggravation. % +Economics is extremely useful as a form of employment for economists. + -- John Kenneth Galbraith +% +Economics, n.: + Economics is the study of the value and meaning of J. K. +Galbraith ... + -- Mike Harding, "The Armchair Anarchist's Almanac" +% Economies of scale: The notion that bigger is better. In particular, that if you want a certain amount of computer power, it is much better to buy one @@ -12502,6 +17270,18 @@ economist, n: Someone who's good with figures, but doesn't have enough personality to become an accountant. % +Economists can certainly disappoint you. One said that the economy +would turn up by the last quarter. Well, I'm down to mine and it +hasn't. + -- Robert Orben +% +Economists state their GNP growth projections to the nearest tenth of a +percentage point to prove they have a sense of humor. + -- Edgar R. Fiedler +% +Ed Sullivan will be around as long as someone else has talent. + -- Fred Allen +% Editing is a rewording activity. % Education and religion are two things not regulated by supply and @@ -12515,6 +17295,9 @@ time that nothing that is worth knowing can be taught. Education is learning what you didn't even know you didn't know. -- Daniel J. Boorstin % +Education is the process of casting false pearls before real swine. + -- Irwin Edman +% Education is what survives when what has been learnt has been forgotten. -- B. F. Skinner % @@ -12524,11 +17307,29 @@ of the alphabet do not leap up out of books and dance around with royal-blue chickens. -- Fran Lebowitz, "Social Studies" % +Eeny, Meeny, Jelly Beanie, the spirits are about to speak! + -- Bullwinkle J. Moose +% Eeny, Meeny, Jelly Beanie, The spirits are about to speak... % +Eggheads unite! You have nothing to lose but your yolks. + -- Adlai Stevenson +% +Eggnog is a traditional holiday drink invented by the English. Many +people wonder where the word "eggnog" comes from. The first syllable +comes from the English word "egg", meaning "egg". I don't know where +the "nog" comes from. + +To make eggnog, you'll need rum, whiskey, wine, gin and, if they are in +season, eggs... +% Ego sum ens omnipotens % +Egotism is the anesthetic given by a kindly nature to relieve the pain +of being a damned fool. + -- Bellamy Brooks +% Egotism is the anesthetic which numbs the pain of stupidity. % Egotism, n.: @@ -12538,8 +17339,19 @@ Egotist, n.: A person of low taste, more interested in himself than me. -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary" % +Egotist, n.: + A person of low taste, more interested in himself than me. + -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary" +% egrep -n '^[a-z].*\(' $ | sort -t':' +2.0 % +Ehrman's Commentary: + (1) Things will get worse before they get better. + (2) Who said things would get better? +% +Eighty percent of air pollution comes from plants and trees. + -- Ronald Reagan, famous movie star +% ...eighty years later he could still recall with the young pang of his original joy his falling in love with Ada. -- Nabokov @@ -12568,6 +17380,18 @@ What is it for? All the lonely users, where do they all come from? All the lonely users, why does it take so long? +% +Eleanor Rigby + Sits at the keyboard + And waits for a line on the screen +Lives in a dream +Waits for a signal + Finding some code + That will make the machine do some more. +What is it for? + +All the lonely users, where do they all come from? +All the lonely users, why does it take so long? Hacker MacKensie Writing the code for a program @@ -12604,12 +17428,19 @@ WARNING: Keep ingredients away from open flame. Not recommended for children under eight years of age. % +Electrical Engineers do it with less resistance. +% +Electrocution, n.: + Burning at the stake with all the modern improvements. +% Elegance and truth are inversely related. -- Becker's Razor % Elephant, n: A mouse built to government specifications. % +Elevators smell different to midgets. +% Eleventh Law of Acoustics: In a minimum-phase system there is an inextricable link between frequency response, phase response and transient response, as they @@ -12638,9 +17469,22 @@ Barmaid: Why, we get both kinds of music, Country and Western. Emacs, n: A slow-moving parody of a text editor. % +Emerson's Law of Contrariness: + Our chief want in life is somebody who shall make us do what we +can. Having found them, we shall then hate them for it. +% Encyclopedia for sale by father. Son knows everything. % +Encyclopedia Salesmen: + Invite them all in. Nip out the back door. Phone the police +and tell them your house is being burgled. + -- Mike Harding, "The Armchair Anarchist's Almanac" +% +Endless Loop: n., see Loop, Endless. +Loop, Endless: n., see Endless Loop. + -- Random Shack Data Processing Dictionary +% Endless the world's turn, endless the sun's spinning Endless the quest; I turn again, back to my own beginning, @@ -12685,6 +17529,8 @@ Entrepreneur, n: A high-rolling risk taker who would rather be a spectacular failure than a dismal success. % +Entropy isn't what it used to be. +% Entropy requires no maintenance. -- Markoff Chaney % @@ -12695,12 +17541,30 @@ Envy, n: Wishing you'd been born with an unfair advantage, instead of having to try and acquire one. % +Enzymes are things invented by biologists that explain things which +otherwise require harder thinking. + -- Jerome Lettvin +% +Epperson's law: + When a man says it's a silly, childish game, it's probably +something his wife can beat him at. +% +Equal bytes for women. +% Ere the cock crows thrice one of you will betray me. -- Early Jewish Resistance Leader % Ernest asks Frank how long he has been working for the company. "Ever since they threatened to fire me." % +Error in operator: add beer +% +Es brilig war. Die schlichte Toven + Wirrten und wimmelten in Waben; +Und aller-m"umsige Burggoven + Dir mohmen R"ath ausgraben. + -- Lewis Carroll, "Through the Looking Glass" +% Eschew obfuscation. % Established technology tends to persist in the face of new technology. @@ -12708,12 +17572,22 @@ Established technology tends to persist in the face of new technology. % E.T. GO HOME!!! (And take your Smurfs with you.) % +Eternal nothingness is fine if you happen to be dressed for it. + -- Woody Allen +% Eternity is a terrible thought. I mean, where's it going to end? -- Tom Stoppard % Etiquette is for those with no breeding; fashion for those with no taste. % +Etymology, n.: + Some early etymological scholars came up with derivations that +were hard for the public to believe. The term "etymology" was formed +from the Latin "etus" ("eaten"), the root "mal" ("bad"), and "logy" +("study of"). It meant "the study of things that are hard to swallow." + -- Mike Kellen +% Euch ist bekannt, was wir beduerfen; Wir wollen stark Getraenke schluerfen. -- Johann Wolfgang von Goethe, "Faust" @@ -12753,9 +17627,17 @@ Even God cannot change the past. Even God lends a hand to honest boldness. -- Menander % +Even if you do learn to speak correct English, whom are you going to +speak it to? + -- Clarence Darrow +% Even if you persuade me, you won't persuade me. -- Aristophanes % +"Even if you're on the right track, you'll get run over if you just sit +there." + -- Will Rogers +% Even in the moment of our earliest kiss, When sighed the straitened bud into the flower, Sat the dry seed of most unwelcome this; @@ -12775,6 +17657,13 @@ I tell you this across the blackened vine. % Even moderation ought not to be practiced to excess. % +"Even the best of friends cannot attend each other's funeral." + -- Kehlog Albran, "The Profit" +% +Even though they raised the rate for first class mail in the United +States we really shouldn't complain -- it's still only two cents a +day. +% Events are not affected, they develop. -- Sri Aurobindo % @@ -12787,6 +17676,9 @@ Ever get the feeling that the world's on tape and one of the reels is missing? -- Rich Little % +Ever notice that even the busiest people are never too busy to tell you +just how busy they are? +% Ever notice that the word "therapist" breaks down into "the rapist"? Simple coincidence? Maybe... @@ -12837,6 +17729,15 @@ What makes him so good? Those crazy little programs, Sure sends a mean packet. -- UNIX Wizard % +Ever since prehistoric times, wise men have tried to understand what, +exactly, make people laugh. That's why they were called "wise men." +All the other prehistoric people were out puncturing each other with +spears, and the wise men were back in the cave saying: "How about: +Would you please take my wife? No. How about: Here is my wife, please +take her right now. No. How about: Would you like to take something? +My wife is available. No. How about ..." + -- Dave Barry, "Why Humor is Funny" +% Ever wonder if taxation without representation might have been cheaper? % Ever wonder why fire engines are red? @@ -12878,6 +17779,8 @@ question." Every 4 seconds a woman has a baby. Our problem is to find this woman and stop her. % +Every absurdity has a champion who will defend it. +% Every cloud engenders not a storm. -- William Shakespeare, "Henry VI" % @@ -12887,6 +17790,8 @@ you should have sold it, and bought titanium. Every country has the government it deserves. -- Joseph De Maistre % +Every creature has within him the wild, uncontrollable urge to punt. +% Every day it's the same thing -- variety. I want something different. % Every day people are straying away from the church and going back to God. @@ -12894,10 +17799,50 @@ Every day people are straying away from the church and going back to God. % Every dog has its day, but the nights belong to the pussycats. % +Every four seconds a woman has a baby. Our problem is to find this +woman and stop her. +% +"Every group has a couple of experts. And every group has at least one +idiot. Thus are balance and harmony (and discord) maintained. It's +sometimes hard to remember this in the bulk of the flamewars that all +of the hassle and pain is generally caused by one or two +highly-motivated, caustic twits." + -- Chuq Von Rospach, about Usenet +% +Every gun that is made, every warship launched, every rocket fired +signifies in the final sense, a theft from those who hunger and are not +fed, those who are cold and are not clothed. This world in arms is not +spending money alone. It is spending the sweat of its laborers, the +genius of its scientists, the hopes of its children. This is not a way +of life at all in any true sense. Under the clouds of war, it is +humanity hanging on a cross of iron. + -- Dwight D. Eisenhower, April 16, 1953 +% +Every Horse has an Infinite Number of Legs (proof by intimidation): + +Horses have an even number of legs. Behind they have two legs, and in +front they have fore-legs. This makes six legs, which is certainly an +odd number of legs for a horse. But the only number that is both even +and odd is infinity. Therefore, horses have an infinite number of +legs. Now to show this for the general case, suppose that somewhere, +there is a horse that has a finite number of legs. But that is a horse +of another color, and by the [above] lemma ["All horses are the same +color"], that does not exist. +% +Every improvement in communication makes the bore more terrible. + -- Frank Moore Colby +% +Every journalist has a novel in him, which is an excellent place for it. +% +Every little picofarad has a nanohenry all its own. + -- Don Vonada +% Every love's the love before In a duller dress. -- Dorothy Parker, "Summary" % +"Every man has his price. Mine is $3.95." +% Every man is apt to form his notions of things difficult to be apprehended, or less familiar, from their analogy to things which are more familiar. Thus, if a man bred to the seafaring life, and accustomed to think and talk @@ -12910,6 +17855,9 @@ but he would draw his notions from the fabric of the ship, and would find in the mind, sails, masts, rudder, and compass. -- Thomas Reid, "An Inquiry into the Human Mind", 1764 % +Every man is as God made him, ay, and often worse. + -- Miguel de Cervantes +% Every man takes the limits of his own field of vision for the limits of the world. -- Schopenhauer @@ -12930,6 +17878,10 @@ Every man who is high up likes to think that he has done it all himself, and the wife smiles and lets it go at that. -- Barrie % +"Every morning, I get up and look through the 'Forbes' list of the +richest people in America. If I'm not there, I go to work." + -- Robert Orben +% Every morning in Africa, a gazelle wakes up. It knows it must run faster than the fastest lion or it will be killed. Every morning a lion wakes up. It knows it must outrun the slowest gazelle or it will starve to death. @@ -12948,6 +17900,11 @@ He is a naughty child, I'm sure-- Or else his dear papa is poor. -- Robert Louis Stevenson % +Every nonzero finite dimensional inner product space has an +orthonormal basis. + +It makes sense, when you don't think about it. +% Every one says that politicians lie all the time, and that just isn't so! But you do have to understand body language to know when they're lying and when they aren't. @@ -12968,9 +17925,18 @@ Every person, all the events in your life are there because you have drawn them there. What you choose to do with them is up to you. -- Messiah's Handbook : Reminders for the Advanced Soul % +Every program has at least one bug and can be shortened by at least one +instruction -- from which, by induction, one can deduce that every +program can be reduced to one instruction which doesn't work. +% Every program has (at least) two purposes: the one for which it was written and another for which it wasn't. % +Every program has two purposes -- one for which it was written and +another for which it wasn't. +% +Every program is a part of some other program, and rarely fits. +% Every silver lining has a cloud around it. % Every Solidarity center had piles and piles of paper ... everyone was @@ -12980,6 +17946,11 @@ bend a disk. commenting on the benefits of using computers in support of their movement. % +Every solution breeds new problems. +% +Every successful person has had failures but repeated failure is no +guarantee of eventual success. +% Every suicide is a solution to a problem. -- Jean Baechler % @@ -12987,12 +17958,17 @@ Every time I look at you I am more convinced of Darwin's theory. % Every time I lose weight, it finds me again! % +Every time I think I know where it's at, they move it. +% Every time you manage to close the door on Reality, it comes in through the window. % Every why hath a wherefore. -- William Shakespeare, "A Comedy of Errors" % +Every word is like an unnecessary stain on silence and nothingness. + -- Beckett +% Every young man should have a hobby: learning how to handle money is the best one. -- Jack Hurley @@ -13018,6 +17994,9 @@ Everybody has something to conceal. Everybody is given the same amount of hormones, at birth, and if you want to use yours for growing hair, that's fine with me. % +Everybody is somebody else's weirdo. + -- Edsger W. Dijkstra +% Everybody knows that the dice are loaded. Everybody rolls with their fingers crossed. Everybody knows the war is over. Everybody knows the good guys lost. Everybody knows the fight was fixed: the poor stay @@ -13047,6 +18026,11 @@ Everybody likes a kidder, but nobody lends him money. Everybody needs a little love sometime; stop hacking and fall in love! % +Everybody wants to go to heaven, but nobody wants to die. +% +Everyone can be taught to sculpt: Michelangelo would have had to be +taught how ___not to. So it is with the great programmers. +% Everyone can be taught to sculpt: Michelangelo would have had to be taught how not to. So it is with the great programmers. % @@ -13054,6 +18038,9 @@ Everyone complains of his memory, no one of his judgement. % Everyone hates me because I'm paranoid. % +Everyone is a genius. It's just that some people are too stupid to +realize it. +% Everyone is entitled to my opinion. % Everyone is in the best seat. @@ -13062,6 +18049,20 @@ Everyone is in the best seat. Everyone is more or less mad on one point. -- Rudyard Kipling % +Everyone knows that dragons don't exist. But while this simplistic +formulation may satisfy the layman, it does not suffice for the +scientific mind. The School of Higher Neantical Nillity is in fact +wholly unconcerned with what ____does exist. Indeed, the banality of +existence has been so amply demonstrated, there is no need for us to +discuss it any further here. The brilliant Cerebron, attacking the +problem analytically, discovered three distinct kinds of dragon: the +mythical, the chimerical, and the purely hypothetical. They were all, +one might say, nonexistent, but each nonexisted in an entirely +different way ... + -- Stanislaw Lem, "Cyberiad" +% +Everyone talks about apathy, but no one ____does anything about it. +% Everyone wants results, but no one is willing to do what it takes to get them. -- Dirty Harry @@ -13090,15 +18091,29 @@ Everything I like is either illegal, immoral or fattening. Everything in this book may be wrong. -- Messiah's Handbook : Reminders for the Advanced Soul % +Everything is controlled by a small evil group to which, unfortunately, +no one we know belongs. +% Everything is possible. Pass the word. -- Rita Mae Brown, "Six of One" % +Everything is worth precisely as much as a belch, the difference being +that a belch is more satisfying. + -- Ingmar Bergman +% +Everything journalists write is true, except when they write about +something you know. + -- Dag-Erling Smorgrav, + June 1999, FreeBSD-Stable Mailing List +% Everything might be different in the present if only one thing had been different in the past. % Everything new stalls because there is precedence for the old. -- Poul Henningsen (1894-1967) % +Everything should be built top-down, except the first time. +% Everything should be built top-down, except this time. % Everything should be made as simple as possible, but not simpler. @@ -13114,10 +18129,19 @@ Everything that you know is wrong, but you can be straightened out. % Everything will be just tickety-boo today. % +Everything you know is wrong! +% Everything you read in newspapers is absolutely true, except for that rare story of which you happen to have first-hand knowledge. -- Erwin Knoll % +Everything you've learned in school as "obvious" becomes less and less +obvious as you begin to study the universe. For example, there are no +solids in the universe. There's not even a suggestion of a solid. +There are no absolute continuums. There are no surfaces. There are no +straight lines. + -- R. Buckminster Fuller +% Everything's great in this good old world; (This is the stuff they can always use.) God's in his heaven, the hill's dew-pearled; @@ -13163,6 +18187,14 @@ Example is not the main thing in influencing others. It is the only thing. -- Albert Schweitzer % +Excellent day for drinking heavily. Spike the office water cooler. +% +Excellent day for putting Slinkies on an escalator. +% +Excellent day to have a rotten day. +% +Excellent time to become a missing person. +% Exceptions prove the rule, and wreck the budget. -- Miller % @@ -13172,11 +18204,21 @@ customer working for a well-known military-affiliated research lab: Support: "You're not our only customer, you know." Customer: "But we're one of the few with tactical nuclear weapons." % +Excess on occasion is exhilarating. It prevents moderation from +acquiring the deadening effect of a habit. + -- W. Somerset Maugham +% Excessive login messages are a sure sign of senility. % +Excessive login or logout messages are a sure sign of senility. +% Execute every act of thy life as though it were thy last. -- Marcus Aurelius % +Executive ability is deciding quickly and getting somebody else to do +the work. + -- John G. Pollard +% Executive ability is prominent in your make-up. % Exercise caution in your daily affairs. @@ -13188,8 +18230,13 @@ Expansion means complexity; and complexity decay. % Expect a letter from a friend who will ask a favor of you. % +Expect the worst, it's the least you can do. +% Expedience is the best teacher. % +Expense Accounts, n.: + Corporate food stamps. +% Experience is a good teacher, but she sends in terrific bills. -- Minna Antrim, "Naked Truth and Veiled Allusions" % @@ -13197,8 +18244,23 @@ Experience is not what happens to you; it is what you do with what happens to you. -- Aldous Huxley % +Experience is something you don't get until just after you need it. + -- Olivier +% +Experience is that marvelous thing that enables you recognize a mistake +when you make it again. + -- Franklin P. Jones +% +Experience is the worst teacher. It always gives the test first and +the instruction afterward. +% +Experience is what causes a person to make new mistakes instead of old +ones. +% Experience is what you get when you didn't get what you wanted. % +Experience is what you get when you were expecting something else. +% Experience, n: Something you don't get until just after you need it. -- Olivier @@ -13207,10 +18269,34 @@ Experience teaches you that the man who looks you straight in the eye, particularly if he adds a firm handshake, is hiding something. -- Clifton Fadiman, "Enter Conversing" % +Experience varies directly with equipment ruined. +% Experiments must be reproducible; they should all fail in the same way. % +Expert, n.: + Someone who comes from out of town and shows slides. +% External Security: % +Extract from Official Sweepstakes Rules: + + NO PURCHASE REQUIRED TO CLAIM YOUR PRIZE + +To claim your prize without purchase, do the following: (a) Carefully +cut out your computer-printed name and address from upper right hand +corner of the Prize Claim Form. (b) Affix computer-printed name and +address -- with glue or cellophane tape (no staples or paper clips) -- +to a 3x5 inch index card. (c) Also cut out the "No" paragraph (lower +left hand corner of Prize Claim Form) and affix it to the 3x5 card +below your address label. (d) Then print on your 3x5 card, above your +computer-printed name and address the words "CARTER & VAN PEEL +SWEEPSTAKES" (Use all capital letters.) (e) Finally place 3x5 card +(without bending) into a plain envelope [NOTE: do NOT use the +Official Prize Claim and CVP Perfume Reply Envelope or you may be +disqualified], and mail to: CVP, Box 1320, Westbury, NY 11595. Print +this address correctly. Comply with above instructions carefully and +completely or you may be disqualified from receiving your prize. +% Extraordinary claims demand extraordinary proof. There are many examples of outsiders who eventually overthrew entrenched scientific orthodoxies, but they prevailed with irrefutable data. More often, egregious findings @@ -13231,11 +18317,23 @@ Extremism in the defense of liberty is no vice... moderation in the pursuit of justice is no virtue. -- Barry Goldwater % +F: When into a room I plunge, I + Sometimes find some VIOLET FUNGI. + Then I linger, darkly brooding + On the poison they're exuding. + -- The Roguelet's ABC +% F. S. Fitzgerald to Hemingway: "Ernest, the rich are different from us." Hemingway: "Yes. They have more money." % +f u cn rd ths, itn tyg h myxbl cd. +% +f u cn rd ths, u cn gt a gd jb n cmptr prgrmmng. +% +F u cn rd ths u cnt spl wrth a dm! +% f u cn rd ths, u r prbbly a lsy spllr. % FACILITY REJECTED 100044200000; @@ -13245,6 +18343,8 @@ Factorials were someone's attempt to make math LOOK exciting. Facts, apart from their relationships, are like labels on empty bottles. -- Sven Italla % +Facts are stubborn, but statistics are more pliable. +% Facts are the enemy of truth. -- Don Quixote % @@ -13274,6 +18374,9 @@ Failure is more frequently from want of energy than want of capital. Fain would I climb, yet fear I to fall. -- Sir Walter Raleigh % +Fairy Tale, n.: + A horror story to prepare children for the newspapers. +% Faith goes out through the window when beauty comes in at the door. % Faith has never moved as much as a pin-head from the place it @@ -13281,9 +18384,21 @@ ought to be according to tradition and the scriptures. It is the doubt that moved all the mountains. -- Poul Henningsen (1894-1967) % +Faith is the quality that enables you to eat blackberry jam on a picnic +without looking to see whether the seeds move. +% Faith is under the left nipple. -- Martin Luther % +Faith, n: + That quality which enables us to believe what we know to be +untrue. +% +Fakir, n: + A psychologist whose charismatic data have inspired almost +religious devotion in his followers, even though the sources seem to +have shinnied up a rope and vanished. +% Falling in Love When two people have been on enough dates, they generally fall in love. You can tell you're in love by the way you feel: your head becomes @@ -13310,9 +18425,43 @@ autograph seeker handed me a pen and paper under the stall door. % Fame may be fleeting but obscurity is forever. % +Familiarity breeds attempt. +% Familiarity breeds contempt -- and children. -- Mark Twain % +Families, when a child is born +Want it to be intelligent. +I, through intelligence, +Having wrecked my whole life, +Only hope the baby will prove +Ignorant and stupid. +Then he will crown a tranquil life +By becoming a Cabinet Minister + -- Su Tung-p'o +% +Famous, adj.: + Conspicuously miserable. + -- Ambrose Bierce +% +Famous last words: +% +Famous last words: + (1) Don't unplug it, it will just take a moment to fix. + (2) Let's take the shortcut, he can't see us from there. + (3) What happens if you touch these two wires tog-- + (4) We won't need reservations. + (5) It's always sunny there this time of the year. + (6) Don't worry, it's not loaded. + (7) They'd never (be stupid enough to) make him a manager. + (8) Don't worry! Women love it! +% +Famous last words: + (1) "Don't worry, I can handle it." + (2) "You and what army?" + (3) "If you were as smart as you think you are, you wouldn't be + a cop." +% Fanaticism consists of redoubling your effort when you have forgotten your aim. -- George Santayana @@ -13334,10 +18483,22 @@ was the Empire forged. % Far duller than a serpent's tooth it is to spend a quiet youth. % +Far out in the uncharted backwaters of the unfashionable end of the +Western Spiral arm of the Galaxy lies a small unregarded yellow sun. +Orbiting this at a distance of roughly ninety-eight million miles is an +utterly insignificant little blue-green planet whose ape-descended life +forms are so amazingly primitive that they still think digital watches +are a pretty neat idea ... + -- Douglas Adams, "The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy" +% Farmers in the Iowa State survey rated machinery breakdowns more stressful than divorce. -- Wall Street Journal % +Fashion is a form of ugliness so intolerable that we have to alter it +every six months. + -- Oscar Wilde +% Fashions have done more harm than revolutions. -- Victor Hugo % @@ -13356,6 +18517,8 @@ Fat people of the world unite, we've got nothing to lose! Father: Son, it's time we talked about sex. Son: Sure, Dad, what do you want to know? % +Fats Loves Madelyn +% Fay: The British police force used to be run by men of integrity. Truscott: That is a mistake which has been rectified. -- Joe Orton, "Loot" @@ -13380,6 +18543,8 @@ Federal grants are offered for... research into the recreation potential of interplanetary space travel for the culturally disadvantaged. % +Feel disillusioned? I've got some great new illusions ... +% Feel disillusioned? I've got some great new illusions, right here! % @@ -13432,6 +18597,9 @@ FENDERBERG: Ferguson's Precept: A crisis is when you can't say "let's forget the whole thing." % +Fertility is hereditary. If your parents didn't have any children, +neither will you. +% Fess: Well, you must admit there is something innately humorous about a man chasing an invention of his own halfway across the galaxy. Rod: Oh yeah, it's a million yuks, sure. But after all, isn't that the @@ -13452,6 +18620,25 @@ Drink and the devil had done for the rest, Yo-ho-ho and a bottle of rum! -- Stevenson, "Treasure Island" % +Fifth Law of Applied Terror: + If you are given an open-book exam, you will forget your book. + +Corollary: + If you are given a take-home exam, you will forget where you +live. +% +Fifth Law of Procrastination: + Procrastination avoids boredom; one never has the feeling that +there is nothing important to do. +% +Fifty flippant frogs +Walked by on flippered feet +And with their slime they made the time +Unnaturally fleet. +% +Fights between cats and dogs are prohibited by statute in Barber, North +Carolina. +% File cabinet: A four drawer, manually activated trash compactor. % @@ -13461,6 +18648,9 @@ filibuster, n: Fill what's empty, empty what's full, scratch where it itches. -- Alice Roosevelt Longworth % +Finagle's Creed: + Science is true. Don't be misled by facts. +% Finagle's Eighth Law: If an experiment works, something has gone wrong. @@ -13477,6 +18667,9 @@ Finagle's Eleventh Law: it happened according to his pet theory. % Finagle's First Law: + If an experiment works, something has gone wrong. +% +Finagle's First Law: To study a subject best, understand it thoroughly before you start. Finagle's Second Law: @@ -13492,27 +18685,95 @@ Finagle's Fifth Law: Finagle's Sixth Law: Don't believe in miracles -- rely on them. % +Finagle's Fourth Law: + Once a job is fouled up, anything done to improve it only makes +it worse. +% +Finagle's Second Law: + No matter what the anticipated result, there will always be +someone eager to (a) misinterpret it, (b) fake it, or (c) believe it +happened according to his own pet theory. +% Finagle's Seventh Law: The perversity of the universe tends toward a maximum. % +Finagle's Third Law: + In any collection of data, the figure most obviously correct, + beyond all need of checking, is the mistake. + +Corollaries: + (1) Nobody whom you ask for help will see it. + (2) The first person who stops by, whose advice you really + don't want to hear, will see it immediately. +% Finality is death. Perfection is finality. Nothing is perfect. There are lumps in it. % +Finding out what goes on in the C.I.A. is like performing acupuncture +on a rock. + -- New York Times, Jan. 20, 1981 +% Fine day for friends. So-so day for you. % +Fine day to throw a party. Throw him as far as you can. +% +Fine day to work off excess energy. Steal something heavy. +% +Fine's Corollary: + Functionality breeds Contempt. +% +Finish the sentence below in 25 words or less: + + "Love is what you feel just before you give someone a good ..." + +Mail your answer along with the top half of your supervisor to: + + P.O. Box 35 + Baffled Greek, Michigan +% Finster's Law: A closed mouth gathers no feet. % +First, a few words about tools. + +Basically, a tool is an object that enables you to take advantage of +the laws of physics and mechanics in such a way that you can seriously +injure yourself. Today, people tend to take tools for granted. If +you're ever walking down the street and you notice some people who look +particularly smug, the odds are that they are taking tools for +granted. If I were you, I'd walk right up and smack them in the face. + -- Dave Barry, "The Taming of the Screw" +% +First Corollary of Taber's Second Law: + Machines that piss people off get murdered. + -- Pat Taber +% +First Law of Bicycling: + No matter which way you ride, it's uphill and against the +wind. +% First law of debate: Never argue with a fool. People might not know the difference. % +First Law of Procrastination: + Procrastination shortens the job and places the responsibility +for its termination on someone else (i.e., the authority who imposed +the deadline). +% +First Law of Socio-Genetics: + Celibacy is not hereditary. +% First love is only a little foolishness and a lot of curiosity, no really self-respecting woman would take advantage of it. -- George Bernard Shaw, "John Bull's Other Island" % +First Rule of History: + History doesn't repeat itself -- historians merely repeat each +other. +% First rule of public speaking. First, tell 'em what you're goin' to tell 'em; then tell 'em; @@ -13542,6 +18803,9 @@ and after questioning, released him to be charged on summons. telephone booths. -- "Newcastle Morning Herald", NSW Australia, Aug 1980 % +First things first -- but not necessarily in that order. + -- The Doctor, "Doctor Who" +% "First World" nations are the ones where people drive Japanese cars; "Second World" nations are where First World residents go on vacation; and "Third World" nations are the ones where people still dive out of @@ -13558,6 +18822,9 @@ Fishing, with me, has always been an excuse to drink in the daytime. Five bicycles make a volkswagen, seven make a truck. -- Adolfo Guzman % +Five is a sufficiently close approximation to infinity. + -- Robert Firth +% Five names that I can hardly stand to hear, Including yours and mine and one more chimp who isn't here, I can see the ladies talking how the times is gettin' hard, @@ -13604,6 +18871,15 @@ FLANNISTER: The plastic yoke that holds a six-pack of beer together. -- Rich Hall & Friends, "Sniglets" % +Flappity, floppity, flip +The mouse on the m"obius strip; + The strip revolved, + The mouse dissolved +In a chronodimensional skip. +% +FLASH! Intelligence of mankind decreasing. Details at ... uh, when +the little hand is on the ... +% Flattery is like cologne -- to be smelled, but not swallowed. -- Josh Billings % @@ -13614,16 +18890,73 @@ Flee at once, all is discovered. Flirting is the gentle art of making a man feel pleased with himself. -- Helen Rowland % +Flon's Law: + There is not now, and never will be, a language in which it is +the least bit difficult to write bad programs. +% +Florence Flask was ... dressing for the opera when she turned to her +husband and screamed, "Erlenmeyer! My joules! Someone has stolen my +joules!" + +"Now, now, my dear," replied her husband, "keep your balance and reflux +a moment. Perhaps they're mislead." + +"No, I know they're stolen," cried Florence. "I remember putting them +in my burette ... We must call a copper." + +Erlenmeyer did so, and the flatfoot who turned up, one Sherlock Ohms, +said the outrage looked like the work of an arch-criminal by the name +of Lawrence Ium. + +"We must be careful -- he's a free radical, ultraviolet, and +dangerous. His girlfriend is a chlorine at the Palladium. Maybe I can +catch him there." With that, he jumped on his carbon cycle in an +activated state and sped off along the reaction pathway ... + -- Daniel B. Murphy, "Precipitations" +% +flowchart, n. & v.: + [From flow "to ripple down in rich profusion, as hair" + chart +"a cryptic hidden-treasure map designed to mislead the uninitiated."] +1. n. The solution, if any, to a class of Mascheroni construction +problems in which given algorithms require geometrical representation +using only the 35 basic ideograms of the ANSI template. 2. n. Neronic +doodling while the system burns. 3. n. A low-cost substitute for +wallpaper. 4. n. The innumerate misleading the illiterate. "A +thousand pictures is worth ten lines of code." -- The Programmer's +Little Red Vade Mecum, Mao Tse T'umps. 5. v.intrans. To produce +flowcharts with no particular object in mind. 6. v.trans. To obfuscate +(a problem) with esoteric cartoons. + -- Stan Kelly-Bootle, "The Devil's DP Dictionary" +% +Flugg's Law: + When you need to knock on wood is when you realize that the +world is composed of vinyl, naugahyde and aluminum. +% Fly me away to the bright side of the moon ... % Flying is the second greatest feeling you can have. The greatest feeling? Landing... Landing is the greatest feeling you can have. % +Flying saucers on occasion + Show themselves to human eyes. +Aliens fume, put off invasion + While they brand these tales as lies. +% +Fog Lamps, n.: + Excessively (often obnoxiously) bright lamps mounted on the +fronts of automobiles; used on dry, clear nights to indicate that the +driver's brain is in a fog. + +See also "Idiot Lights". +% "Follow me around. I don't care. I'm serious. If anybody wants to put a tail on me, go ahead. They'd be very bored." -- Gary Hart, announcing his presidential candidacy, commenting on rumors of womanizing. % +Food for thought is no substitute for the real thing. + -- Walt Kelly, "Putluck Pogo" +% Foolproof Operation: No provision for adjustment. % @@ -13639,11 +18972,18 @@ It is violence punctuated by committee meetings. Football is a game designed to keep coalminers off the streets. -- Jimmy Breslin % +For 20 dollars, I'll give you a good fortune next time ... +% +For a good time, call (510) 642-9483 +% For a holy stint, a moth of the cloth gave up his woolens for lint. % For a light heart lives long. -- William Shakespeare, "Love's Labour's Lost" % +For a man to truly understand rejection, he must first be ignored by a +cat. +% For adult education nothing beats children. % For ages, a deadly conflict has been waged between a few brave men and @@ -13655,6 +18995,11 @@ prejudice, to fear, to miracle, to slavery, to the unknown, and to misery hereafter. The few have said "Think". The many have said "Believe!" -- Robert Ingersoll, "Gods" % +For an adequate time call 555-3321. +% +For an idea to be fashionable is ominous, since it must afterwards be +always old-fashioned. +% For certain people, after fifty, litigation takes the place of sex. -- Gore Vidal % @@ -13670,6 +19015,13 @@ For every bloke who makes his mark, there's half a dozen waiting to rub it out. -- Andy Capp % +For every complex problem, there is a solution that is simple, neat, +and wrong. + -- H. L. Mencken +% +For every credibility gap, there is a gullibility fill. + -- R. Clopton +% For every human problem, there is a neat, plain solution -- and it is always wrong. -- H. L. Mencken @@ -13724,6 +19076,8 @@ And no quarrel a knight ought to take But for a truth, or for the common's sake. -- Stephen Hawes % +For large values of one, one equals two, for small values of two. +% For men use, if they have an evil turn, to write it in marble: and whoso doth us a good turn we write it in dust. -- Sir Thomas More @@ -13740,6 +19094,19 @@ For my birthday I got a humidifier and a de-humidifier. I put them in the same room and let them fight it out. -- Steven Wright % +For my son, Robert, this is proving to be the high-point of his entire +life to date. He has had his pajamas on for two, maybe three days +now. He has the sense of joyful independence a 5-year-old child gets +when he suddenly realizes that he could be operating an acetylene torch +in the coat closet and neither parent [because of the flu] would have +the strength to object. He has been foraging for his own food, which +means his diet consists entirely of "food" substances which are +advertised only on Saturday-morning cartoon shows; substances that are +the color of jukebox lights and that, for legal reasons, have their +names spelled wrong, as in New Creemy Chok-'n'-Cheez Lumps o' Froot +("part of this complete breakfast"). + -- Dave Barry, "Molecular Homicide" +% For myself, I can only say that I am astonished and somewhat terrified at the results of this evening's experiments. Astonished at the wonderful power you have developed, and terrified at the thought that so much hideous @@ -13749,10 +19116,26 @@ and bad music may be put on record forever. For people who like that kind of book, that is the kind of book they will like. % +For perfect happiness, remember two things: + (1) Be content with what you've got. + (2) Be sure you've got plenty. +% FOR SALE: Parachute. Used once. Never opened. Slightly Stained. % +For some reason a glaze passes over people's faces when you say +"Canada". Maybe we should invade South Dakota or something. + -- Sandra Gotlieb, wife of the Canadian ambassador to + the U.S. +% +For some reason, this fortune reminds everyone of Marvin Zelkowitz. +% +"For that matter, compare your pocket computer with the massive jobs of +a thousand years ago. Why not, then, the last step of doing away with +computers altogether?" + -- Jehan Shuman +% For the fashion of Minas Tirith was such that it was built on seven levels, each delved into a hill, and about each was set a wall, and in each wall was a gate. @@ -13828,6 +19211,28 @@ swelling. Boil for three hours, pricking regularly all over. If bag not available, steam in greased basin covered by greaseproof paper and cloth for four to five hours. % +For those who like this sort of thing, this is the sort of thing they +like. + -- Abraham Lincoln +% +"For three days after death hair and fingernails continue to grow but +phone calls taper off." + -- Johnny Carson +% +For what it's worth, if you -can- get Michelle Pfeiffer to model +a latex daemon suit for the catalog, I strongly suggest you do. +Breasts can sell anything. Shiny red latex body suits start +religions. + -- Brian McGroarty +% +For years a secret shame destroyed my peace -- +I'd not read Eliot, Auden or MacNiece. +But now I think a thought that brings me hope: +Neither had Chaucer, Shakespeare, Milton, Pope. + -- Justin Richardson +% +For your penance, say five Hail Marys and one loud BLAH! +% Force has no place where there is need of skill. -- Herodotus % @@ -13849,6 +19254,10 @@ Forecast, n: % Forest fires cause Smokey Bears. % +Forgetfulness, n.: + A gift of God bestowed upon debtors in compensation for their +destitution of conscience. +% Forgive and forget. -- Cervantes % @@ -13863,6 +19272,8 @@ And I'll forgive Thy great big one on me. Forgive your enemies, but don't forget their names. -- John F. Kennedy % +Forms follow function, and often obliterate it. +% Forsan et haec olim meminisse juvabit. % FORTH IF HONK THEN @@ -13922,6 +19333,8 @@ A: No, He's a mythter. % fortune: cannot execute. Out of cookies. % +fortune: CPU time/usefulness ratio too high -- core dumped. +% FORTUNE DISCUSSES THE DIFFERENCES BETWEEN MEN AND WOMEN: #14 Low Blows: @@ -14089,6 +19502,13 @@ Socks: Women wear strange socks. They are cut way below the ankles, have pictures of clouds on them, and have a big fuzzy ball on the back. % +FORTUNE DISCUSSES THE OBSCURE FILMS! #6 + +RAZORBACK: Paul Harbride, 1984, 2 hours 25 min. + One of the great Australian films of the early 1980's, and + arguably the best movie ever made about a large, man-eating + hog. Some violence. With Gregory Harrison. +% FORTUNE DISCUSSES THE OBSCURE FILMS: #10 CARTABLANCA: @@ -14398,6 +19818,18 @@ Try: If I had a ) for every dollar of the national debt, what would I have? sleep with me (anything up to 4.3BSD) % +Fortune: You will be attacked next Wednesday at 3:15 p.m. by six samurai +sword wielding purple fish glued to Harley-Davidson motorcycles. + +Oh, and have a nice day! + -- Bryce Nesbitt '84 +% +fortune's Contribution of the Month to the Animal Rights Debate: + + I'll stay out of animals' way if they'll stay out of mine. + "Hey you, get off my plate" + -- Roger Midnight +% Fortune's current rates: Answers .10 @@ -14468,6 +19900,9 @@ strained chups. Add bablespoon of brown gugar, or whatever color you have. Mix mell. Grease oven and turn cake pan to 350 gredees and rake until poothtick comes out crean. % +Fortune's Fictitious Country Song Title of the Week: + "How Can I Miss You if You Won't Go Away?" +% FORTUNE'S FUN FACTS TO KNOW AND TELL: #1 A guinea pig is not from Guinea but a rodent from South America. A firefly is not a fly, but a beetle. @@ -14531,6 +19966,14 @@ FORTUNE'S FUN FACTS TO KNOW AND TELL: #8 Idaho state law makes it illegal for a man to give his sweetheart a box of candy weighing less than fifty pounds. % +Fortune's graffito of the week (or maybe even month): + + Don't Write On Walls! + + (and underneath) + + You want I should type? +% Fortune's Great Moments in History: #3 August 27, 1949: @@ -14610,6 +20053,104 @@ of some of Roosevelt's policies... directly traceable to the ... it is possible that we simply do Professor Mitchell is a not understand the Russian viewpoint... communist. % +Fortune's Law of the Week (this week, from Kentucky): + No female shall appear in a bathing suit at any airport in this +State unless she is escorted by two officers or unless she is armed +with a club. The provisions of this statute shall not apply to females +weighing less than 90 pounds nor exceeding 200 pounds, nor shall it +apply to female horses. +% +Fortune's nomination for All-Time Champion and Protector of Youthful +Morals goes to Representative Clare E. Hoffman of Michigan. During an +impassioned House debate over a proposed bill to "expand oyster and +clam research," a sharp-eared informant transcribed the following +exchange between our hero and Rep. John D. Dingell, also of Michigan. + +DINGELL: There are places in the world at the present time where we are + having to artificially propagate oysters and clams. +HOFFMAN: You mean the oysters I buy are not nature's oysters? +DINGELL: They may or may not be natural. The simple fact of the matter + is that female oysters through their living habits cast out + large amounts of seed and the male oysters cast out large + amounts of fertilization ... +HOFFMAN: Wait a minute! I do not want to go into that. There are many + teenagers who read The Congressional Record. +% +Fortune's Office Door Sign of the Week: + + Incorrigible punster -- Do not incorrige. +% +FORTUNE'S PARTY TIPS #14 + +Tired of finding that other people are helping themselves to your good +liquor at BYOB parties? Take along a candle, which you insert and +light after you've opened the bottle. No one ever expects anything +drinkable to be in a bottle which has a candle stuck in its neck. +% +Fortune's Real-Life Courtroom Quote #18: + +Q: Are you married? +A: No, I'm divorced. +Q: And what did your husband do before you divorced him? +A: A lot of things I didn't know about. +% +Fortune's Real-Life Courtroom Quote #19: + +Q: Doctor, how many autopsies have you performed on dead people? +A: All my autopsies have been performed on dead people. +% +Fortune's Real-Life Courtroom Quote #29: + +THE JUDGE: Now, as we begin, I must ask you to banish all present + information and prejudice from your minds, if you have + any ... +% +Fortune's Real-Life Courtroom Quote #32: + +Q: Do you know how far pregnant you are right now? +A: I will be three months November 8th. +Q: Apparently then, the date of conception was August 8th? +A: Yes. +Q: What were you and your husband doing at that time? +% +Fortune's Real-Life Courtroom Quote #37: + +Q: Did he pick the dog up by the ears? +A: No. +Q: What was he doing with the dog's ears? +A: Picking them up in the air. +Q: Where was the dog at this time? +A: Attached to the ears. +% +Fortune's Real-Life Courtroom Quote #3: + +Q: When he went, had you gone and had she, if she wanted to and were + able, for the time being excluding all the restraints on her not to + go, gone also, would he have brought you, meaning you and she, with + him to the station? +MR. BROOKS: Objection. That question should be taken out and shot. +% +Fortune's Real-Life Courtroom Quote #41: + +Q: Now, Mrs. Johnson, how was your first marriage terminated? +A: By death. +Q: And by whose death was it terminated? +% +Fortune's Real-Life Courtroom Quote #52: + +Q: What is your name? +A: Ernestine McDowell. +Q: And what is your marital status? +A: Fair. +% +Fortune's Real-Life Courtroom Quote #7: + +Q: What happened then? +A: He told me, he says, "I have to kill you because you can identify + me." +Q: Did he kill you? +A: No. +% Fortune's Rules for Memo Wars: #2 Given the incredible advances in sociocybernetics and telepsychology over @@ -14667,6 +20208,25 @@ ingeniously on behalf of any theory, applied to any piece of literature. This is rarely harmful, because normally no-one reads such essays. -- Robert Parker, quoted in "Murder Ink", ed. D. Wynn % +Fourth Law of Applied Terror: + The night before the English History mid-term, your Biology +instructor will assign 200 pages on planaria. + +Corollary: + Every instructor assumes that you have nothing else to do +except study for that instructor's course. +% +Fourth Law of Revision: + It is usually impractical to worry beforehand about +interferences -- if you have none, someone will make one for you. +% +Fourth Law of Thermodynamics: If the probability of success is not +almost one, it is damn near zero. + -- David Ellis +% +Frankfort, Kentucky, makes it against the law to shoot off a +policeman's tie. +% Frankly, Scarlett, I don't have a fix. -- Rhett Buggler % @@ -14695,6 +20255,9 @@ Freedom's just another word for nothing left to lose. % Fremen add life to spice! % +Fresco's Discovery: + If you knew what you were doing you'd probably be bored. +% Friction is a drag. % Fried's 1st Rule: @@ -14709,6 +20272,18 @@ Friends, n: People who know you well, but like you anyway. % +Friends, Romans, Hipsters, +Let me clue you in; +I come to put down Caesar, not to groove him. +The square kicks some cats are on stay with them; +The hip bits, like, go down under; so let it lay with Caesar. The cool Brutus +Gave you the message: Caesar had big eyes; +If that's the sound, someone's copping a plea, +And, like, old Caesar really set them straight. +Here, copacetic with Brutus and the studs, -- for Brutus is a real cool cat; +So are they all, all cool cats, -- +Come I to make this gig at Caesar's laying down. +% Friendships last when each friend thinks he has a slight superiority over the other. -- Honore de Balzac @@ -14716,6 +20291,31 @@ over the other. Frisbeetarianism is the belief that when you die, your soul goes up on the roof and gets stuck. % +Frisbeetarianism, n.: + The belief that when you die, your soul goes up on the roof and +gets stuck. +% +Frobnicate, v.: + To manipulate or adjust, to tweak. Derived from FROBNITZ. +Usually abbreviated to FROB. Thus one has the saying "to frob a +frob". See TWEAK and TWIDDLE. Usage: FROB, TWIDDLE, and TWEAK +sometimes connote points along a continuum. FROB connotes aimless +manipulation; TWIDDLE connotes gross manipulation, often a coarse +search for a proper setting; TWEAK connotes fine-tuning. If someone is +turning a knob on an oscilloscope, then if he's carefully adjusting it +he is probably tweaking it; if he is just turning it but looking at the +screen he is probably twiddling it; but if he's just doing it because +turning a knob is fun, he's frobbing it. +% +Frobnitz, pl. Frobnitzem (frob'nitsm) n.: + An unspecified physical object, a widget. Also refers to +electronic black boxes. This rare form is usually abbreviated to +FROTZ, or more commonly to FROB. Also used are FROBNULE, FROBULE, and +FROBNODULE. Starting perhaps in 1979, FROBBOZ (fruh-bahz'), pl. +FROBBOTZIM, has also become very popular, largely due to its exposure +via the Adventure spin-off called Zork (Dungeon). These can also be +applied to non-physical objects, such as data structures. +% From 0 to "what seems to be the problem officer" in 8.3 seconds. -- Ad for the new VW Corrado % @@ -14723,6 +20323,23 @@ From a certain point onward there is no longer any turning back. That is the point that must be reached. -- F. Kafka % +From a Tru64 patch description: + + Fixes a bug that causes a panic due to software error +% +[From an announcement of a congress of the International Ontopsychology +Association, in Rome]: + +The Ontopsychological school, availing itself of new research criteria +and of a new telematic epistemology, maintains that social modes do not +spring from dialectics of territory or of class, or of consumer goods, +or of means of power, but rather from dynamic latencies capillarized in +millions of individuals in system functions which, once they have +reached the event maturation, burst forth in catastrophic phenomenology +engaging a suitable stereotype protagonist or duty marionette (general, +president, political party, etc.) to consummate the act of social +schizophrenia in mass genocide. +% From Italian tourist guide: "Non stop trains to Roma Termini Station leave from 7.38 @@ -14743,6 +20360,36 @@ Your butt is on the menu And the check is in the mail. -- The Piranha Club Anthem, to the tune of "De Camptown Races" % +From the "Guiness Book of World Records", 1973: + +Certain passages in several laws have always defied interpretation and +the most inexplicable must be a matter of opinion. A judge of the +Court of Session of Scotland has sent the editors of this book his +candidate which reads, "In the Nuts (unground), (other than ground +nuts) Order, the expression nuts shall have reference to such nuts, +other than ground nuts, as would but for this amending Order not +qualify as nuts (unground)(other than ground nuts) by reason of their +being nuts (unground)." +% +From the moment I picked your book up until I put it down I was +convulsed with laughter. Some day I intend reading it. + -- Groucho Marx, from "The Book of Insults" +% +[From the operation manual for the CI-300 Dot Matrix Line Printer, made +in Japan]: + +The excellent output machine of MODEL CI-300 as extraordinary DOT +MATRIX LINE PRINTER, built in two MICRO-PROCESSORs as well as EAROM, is +featured by permitting wonderful co-existence such as; "high quality +against low cost", "diversified functions with compact design", +"flexibility in accessibleness and durability of approx. 2000,000,00 +Dot/Head", "being sophisticated in mechanism but possibly agile +operating under noises being extremely suppressed" etc. + +And as a matter of course, the final goal is just simply to help +achieve "super shuttle diplomacy" between cool data, perhaps earned by +HOST COMPUTER, and warm heart of human being. +% From the pages of Open Systems Today - October 13, 1994 .......... "The International Standards Organization (ISO) and the @@ -14753,6 +20400,29 @@ From the pages of Open Systems Today - October 13, 1994 .......... Day on October 11; Finland celebrated on October 13; and Italy celebrated on October 18." % +From the Pro 350 Pocket Service Guide, p. 49, Step 5 of the +instructions on removing an I/O board from the card cage, comes a new +experience in sound: + + 5. Turn the handle to the right 90 degrees. The pin-spreading + sound is normal for this type of connector. +% +From too much love of living, +From hope and fear set free, +We thank with brief thanksgiving, +Whatever gods may be, +That no life lives forever, +That dead men rise up never, +That even the weariest river winds somewhere safe to sea. + -- Swinburne +% +Fuch's Warning: + If you actually look like your passport photo, you aren't well +enough to travel. +% +Fudd's First Law of Opposition: + Push something hard enough and it will fall over. +% Fun experiments: Get a can of shaving cream, throw it in a freezer for about a week. Then take it out, peel the metal off and put it where you want... @@ -14777,12 +20447,28 @@ FURBLING: even when you are the only person in line. -- Rich Hall & Friends, "Sniglets" % +Furbling, v.: + Having to wander through a maze of ropes at an airport or bank +even when you are the only person in line. + -- Rich Hall, "Sniglets" +% +Furious activity is no substitute for understanding. + -- H. H. Williams +% Furthermore, if we send something by car, it's a shipment... but if we send it by ship, it's cargo. % +Future looks spotty. You will spill soup in late evening. +% Future will arrive by its own means. Progress not so. -- Poul Henningsen (1894-1967) % +G. B. Shaw to William Douglas Home: "Go on writing plays, my boy. One +of these days a London producer will go into his office and say to his +secretary, `Is there a play from Shaw this morning?' and when she says +`No,' he will say, `Well, then we'll have to start on the rubbish.' And +that's your chance, my boy." +% Gaiety is the most outstanding feature of the Soviet Union. -- Joseph Stalin % @@ -14790,12 +20476,63 @@ Galbraith's Law of Human Nature: Faced with the choice between changing one's mind and proving that there is no need to do so, almost everybody gets busy on the proof. % +Garbage In -- Gospel Out. +% +Garter, n.: + An elastic band intended to keep a woman from coming out of her +stockings and desolating the country. + -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary" +% +Gauls! We have nothing to fear; except perhaps that the sky may fall +on our heads tomorrow. But as we all know, tomorrow never comes!! + -- Adventures of Asterix +% +Gay shlafen: Yiddish for "go to sleep". + + Now doesn't "gay shlafen" have a softer, more soothing sound +than the harsh, staccato "go to sleep"? Listen to the difference: + "Go to sleep, you little wretch!" ... "Gay shlafen, darling." +Obvious, isn't it? + Clearly the best thing you can do for you children is to start +speaking Yiddish right now and never speak another word of English as +long as you live. This will, of course, entail teaching Yiddish to all +your friends, business associates, the people at the supermarket, and +so on, but that's just the point. It has to start with committed +individuals and then grow ... + Some minor adjustments will have to be made, of course: those +signs written in what look like Yiddish letters won't be funny when +everything is written in Yiddish. And we'll have to start driving on +the left side of the road so we won't be reading the street signs +backwards. But is that too high a price to pay for world peace? I +think not, my friend, I think not. + -- Arthur Naiman, "Every Goy's Guide to Yiddish" +% +Gee, Toto, I don't think we are in Kansas anymore. +% GEMINI (May 21 - June 20) A day to take the initiative. Put the garbage out, for instance, and pick up the stuff at the dry cleaners. Watch the mail carefully, although there won't be anything good in it today, either. % +GEMINI (May 21 - June 20) + You are a quick and intelligent thinker. People like you +because you are bisexual. However, you are inclined to expect too much +for too little. This means you are cheap. Geminis are known for +committing incest. +% +GEMINI (May 21 to Jun. 20) + Good news and bad news highlighted. Enjoy the good news while +you can; the bad news will make you forget it. You will enjoy praise +and respect from those around you; everybody loves a sucker. A short +trip is in the stars, possibly to the men's room. +% +Genderplex, n.: + The predicament of a person in a restaurant who is unable to +determine his or her designated restroom (e.g., turtles and +tortoises). + -- Rich Hall, "Sniglets" +% GENEALOGY: An account of one's descent from an ancestor who did not particularly care to trace his own. @@ -14811,6 +20548,9 @@ Generic Fortune. % Generosity and perfection are your everlasting goals. % +Genetics explains why you look like your father, and if you don't, why +you should. +% GENIUS: A chemist who discovers a laundry additive that rhymes with bright. % @@ -14832,6 +20572,14 @@ Genius is ten percent inspiration and fifty percent capital gains. % Genius is the talent of a person who is dead. % +Genius may have its limitations, but stupidity is not thus +handicapped. + -- Elbert Hubbard +% +Genius, n.: + A chemist who discovers a laundry additive that rhymes with +"bright". +% genlock, n: Why he stays in the bottle. % @@ -14873,6 +20621,15 @@ Churchill wrote back, returning the two tickets and excused himself as he had a previous engagement. He also attached the following: "Please send me two tickets for the next night, if there is one." % +George Orwell 1984. Northwestern 0. + -- Chicago Reader 10/15/82 +% +George Orwell was an optimist. +% +George Washington was first in war, first in peace -- and the first to +have his birthday juggled to make a long weekend. + -- Ashley Cooper +% George's friend Sam had a dog who could recite the Gettysburg Address. "Let me buy him from you," pleaded George after a demonstration. "Okay," agreed Sam. "All he knows is that Lincoln speech anyway." @@ -14891,6 +20648,16 @@ gonna get on Labor Day." one man ever understood me." He fell silent for a while and then added, "And he didn't understand me." % +Gerrold's Laws of Infernal Dynamics: + (1) An object in motion will always be headed in the wrong + direction. + (2) An object at rest will always be in the wrong place. + (3) The energy required to change either one of these states + will always be more than you wish to expend, but never so + much as to make the task totally impossible. +% +Get forgiveness now -- tomorrow you may no longer feel guilty. +% Get GUMMed ---------- @@ -14912,6 +20679,8 @@ them. Get in touch with your feelings of hostility against the dying light. -- Dylan Thomas % +Get Revenge! Live long enough to be a problem for your children! +% Getting into trouble is easy. -- D. Winker and F. Prosser % @@ -14965,6 +20734,22 @@ in Mordor where the shadows are. % Ginger Snap % +Ginsberg's Theorem: + (1) You can't win. + (2) You can't break even. + (3) You can't even quit the game. + +Freeman's Commentary on Ginsberg's theorem: + Every major philosophy that attempts to make life seem + meaningful is based on the negation of one part of Ginsberg's + Theorem. To wit: + + (1) Capitalism is based on the assumption that you can win. + (2) Socialism is based on the assumption that you can break + even. + (3) Mysticism is based on the assumption that you can quit the + game. +% Ginsburg's Law: At the precise moment you take off your shoe in a shoe store, your big toe will pop out of your sock to see what's going on. @@ -14988,11 +20773,17 @@ Give him an evasive answer. Give me a fish and I will eat today. Teach me to fish and I will eat forever. % +Give me a Plumber's friend the size of the Pittsburgh dome, and a place +to stand, and I will drain the world. +% Give me a sleeping pill and tell me your troubles. % Give me chastity and continence, but not just now. -- St. Augustine % +Give me enough medals, and I'll win any war. + -- Napoleon +% Give me libertines or give me meth. % Give me the avowed, the erect, the manly foe, @@ -15001,6 +20792,8 @@ But of all plagues, good Heaven, thy wrath can send, Save me, oh save me from the candid friend. -- George Canning % +Give me the Luxuries, and the Hell with the Necessities! +% Give me your students, your secretaries, Your huddled writers yearning to breathe free, The wretched refuse of your Selectric III's. @@ -15008,11 +20801,16 @@ Give these, the homeless, typist-tossed to me. I lift my disk beside the processor. -- Inscription on a Word Processor % +Give thought to your reputation. Consider changing name and moving to +a new town. +% Give thought to your reputation. Consider changing your name and moving to a new town. % GIVE UP!!!! % +Give your child mental blocks for Christmas. +% Give your very best today. Heaven knows it's little enough. % @@ -15028,14 +20826,28 @@ Given my druthers, I'd druther not. Given sufficient time, what you put off doing today will get done by itself. % +"Given the choice between accomplishing something and just lying +around, I'd rather lie around. No contest." + -- Eric Clapton +% Giving money and power to governments is like giving whiskey and car keys to teenage boys. -- P. J. O'Rourke % +Giving up on assembly language was the apple in our Garden of Eden: +Languages whose use squanders machine cycles are sinful. The LISP +machine now permits LISP programmers to abandon bra and fig-leaf. + -- Epigrams in Programming, ACM SIGPLAN Sept. 1982 +% GLEEMITES: Petrified deposits of toothpaste found in sinks. -- Rich Hall & Friends, "Sniglets" % +Glib's Fourth Law of Unreliability: + Investment in reliability will increase until it exceeds the +probable cost of errors, or until someone insists on getting some +useful work done. +% Gloffing is a state of mine. % Glogg (a traditional Scandinavian holiday drink): @@ -15059,6 +20871,11 @@ hot in cups with a few raisins and almonds in each cup. if you really have a deep-seated desire to be fussy, or if you are of Swedish extraction. % +Gnagloot, n.: + A person who leaves all his ski passes on his jacket just to +impress people. + -- Rich Hall, "Sniglets" +% Go ahead... make my day. -- Dirty Harry % @@ -15073,6 +20890,8 @@ Go away! Stop bothering me with all your logout % +Go climb a gravity well! +% Go directly to jail. Do not pass Go, do not collect $200. % Go not to the elves for counsel, for they will say both yes and no. @@ -15081,6 +20900,10 @@ Go not to the elves for counsel, for they will say both yes and no. Go out and tell a lie that will make the whole family proud of you. -- Cadmus, to Pentheus, in "The Bacchae" by Euripides % +Go placidly amid the noise and waste, and remember what value there may +be in owning a piece thereof. + -- National Lampoon, "Deteriorata" +% Go slowly to the entertainments of thy friends, but quickly to their misfortunes. -- Chilo @@ -15103,6 +20926,8 @@ on any other foundation than religious principle, nor any government be secure which is not supported by moral habits. -- Daniel Webster % +Go 'way! You're bothering me! +% Goals... Plans... they're fantasies, they're part of a dream world... -- Wally Shawn % @@ -15121,6 +20946,12 @@ Woman was God's second mistake. God did not create the world in 7 days; He screwed around for 6 days and then pulled an all-nighter. % +God did not create the world in seven days; he screwed around for six +days and then pulled an all-nighter. +% +God doesn't play dice. + -- Albert Einstein +% God gave man two ears and one tongue so that we listen twice as much as we speak. -- Arab proverb @@ -15133,9 +20964,27 @@ saying; I can't find it anywhere. I'm sure he's telling the truth though; why would he lie about a thing like that? -- Arthur Naiman % +"God gives burdens; also shoulders" + +Jimmy Carter cited this Jewish saying in his concession speech at the +end of the 1980 election. At least he said it was a Jewish saying; I +can't find it anywhere. I'm sure he's telling the truth though; why +would he lie about a thing like that? + -- Arthur Naiman, "Every Goy's Guide to Yiddish" +% God grant us the serenity to accept the things we cannot change, courage to change the things we can, and wisdom to know the difference. % +God has intended the great to be great and the little to be little ... +The trade unions, under the European system, destroy liberty ... I do +not mean to say that a dollar a day is enough to support a workingman +... not enough to support a man and five children if he insists on +smoking and drinking beer. But the man who cannot live on bread and +water is not fit to live! A family may live on good bread and water in +the morning, water and bread at midday, and good bread and water at +night! + -- Rev. Henry Ward Beecher +% God help the troubadour who tries to be a star. The more that you try to find success, the more that you will fail. -- Phil Ochs, on the Second System Effect @@ -15152,6 +21001,17 @@ God instructs the heart, not by ideas, but by pains and contradictions. -- De Caussade % +God is a comic playing to an audience that's afraid to laugh. +% +God is a polytheist. +% +God is Dead. + -- Nietzsche +Nietzsche is Dead. + -- God +Nietzsche is God. + -- The Dead +% God is dead and I don't feel all too well either.... -- Ralph Moonen % @@ -15161,13 +21021,42 @@ God is love, but get it in writing. God is not dead. He is alive and well and working on a much less ambitious project. % +God is not dead! He's alive and autographing bibles at Cody's! +% +God is real, unless declared integer. +% +God is really only another artist. He invented the giraffe, the +elephant and the cat. He has no real style, He just goes on trying +other things. + -- Pablo Picasso +% +God is the tangential point between zero and infinity. + -- Alfred Jarry +% God isn't dead. He just doesn't want to get involved. % +God isn't dead, he just couldn't find a parking place. +% God made everything out of nothing, but the nothingness shows through. -- Paul Valery % +God made machine language; all the rest is the work of man. +% +God made the Idiot for practice, and then He made the School Board. + -- Mark Twain +% +God made the integers; all else is the work of Man. + -- Kronecker +% +God made the world in six days, and was arrested on the seventh. +% +God may be subtle, but He isn't plain mean. + -- Albert Einstein +% God must have loved calories, she made so many of them. % +God must love the Common Man; He made so many of them. +% God rest ye CS students now, The bearings on the drum are gone, Let nothing you dismay. The disk is wobbling, too. The VAX is down and won't be up, We've found a bug in Lisp, and Algol @@ -15192,6 +21081,26 @@ You've got another program due, tomorrow, by the way. (chorus) -- to God Rest Ye Merry Gentlemen % +God rest ye CS students now, +Let nothing you dismay. +The VAX is down and won't be up, +Until the first of May. +The program that was due this morn, +Won't be postponed, they say. + + Oh, tidings of comfort and joy, + Comfort and joy, + Oh, tidings of comfort and joy. + +The bearings on the drum are gone, +The disk is wobbling, too. +We've found a bug in Lisp, and Algol +Can't tell false from true. +And now we find that we can't get +At Berkeley's 4.2. + + (chorus) +% God runs electromagnetics by wave theory on Monday, Wednesday, and Friday, and the Devil runs them by quantum theory on Tuesday, Thursday, and Saturday. -- William Bragg @@ -15215,6 +21124,21 @@ Goda's Truism: % Going the speed of light is bad for your age. % +Going to church does not make a person religious, nor does going to +school make a person educated, any more than going to a garage makes a +person a car. +% +Gold, n.: + A soft malleable metal relatively scarce in distribution. It +is mined deep in the earth by poor men who then give it to rich men who +immediately bury it back in the earth in great prisons, although gold +hasn't done anything to them. + -- Mike Harding, "The Armchair Anarchist's Almanac" +% +Goldenstern's Rules: + (1) Always hire a rich attorney. + (2) Never buy from a rich salesman. +% Goldfish... what stupid animals. Even Wayne Cody stops eating before he bursts. % @@ -15248,14 +21172,26 @@ Diary of a Young Girl LITE(tm) % Good advice is one of those insults that ought to be forgiven. % +Good advice is something a man gives when he is too old to set a bad +example. + -- La Rochefoucauld +% +Good day for a change of scene. Repaper the bedroom wall. +% Good day for business affairs. Make a pass at that the new file clerk. % +Good day for overcoming obstacles. Try a steeplechase. +% +Good day to avoid cops. Crawl to school. +% Good day to avoid cops. Crawl to work. % Good day to deal with people in high places; particularly lonely stewardesses. % +Good day to let down old friends who need help. +% Good evening, gentlemen. I am a HAL 9000 computer. I became operational at the HAL plant in Urbana, Illinois, on January 11th, nineteen hundred ninety-five. My supervisor was Mr. Langley, and he taught me to sing a @@ -15277,31 +21213,53 @@ Good judgement comes from experience. Experience comes from bad judgement. -- Jim Horning % +Good leaders being scarce, following yourself is allowed. +% Good morning. This is the telephone company. Due to repairs, we're giving you advance notice that your service will be cut off indefinitely at ten o'clock. That's two minutes from now. % +Good news. Ten weeks from Friday will be a pretty good day. +% Good news from afar can bring you a welcome visitor. % +Good news is just life's way of keeping you off balance. +% Good night, Austin, Texas, wherever you are! % Good night, Mrs. Calabash, wherever you are. % +Good night to spend with family, but avoid arguments with your mate's +new lover. +% Good salesmen and good repairmen will never go hungry. -- R. E. Schenk % Good teaching is one-fourth preparation and three-fourths good theatre. -- Gail Godwin % +"Good-bye. I am leaving because I am bored." + -- George Saunders' dying words +% Goodbye, cool world. % +Gordon's first law: + If a research project is not worth doing, it is not worth doing +well. +% Gordon's Law: If you think you have the solution, the question was poorly phrased. % +Gosh that takes me back... or is it forward? That's the trouble with +time travel, you never can tell. + -- Doctor Who, "Androids of Tara" +% gossip, n: Hearing something you like about someone you don't. -- Earl Wilson % +//GO.SYSIN DD *, DOODAH, DOODAH +% Got a complaint about the Internal Revenue Service? Call the convenient toll-free "IRS Taxpayer Complaint Hot Line Number": @@ -15330,6 +21288,14 @@ Don't make no difference what nobody says, Ain't nobody likes to be alone. -- Bruce Springsteen, "Hungry Heart" % +Got Mole problems? +Call Avogadro at 6.02 x 10^23. +% +Goto, n.: + A programming tool that exists to allow structured programmers +to complain about unstructured programmers. + -- Ray Simard +% Gourmet, n: Anyone whom, when you fail to finish something strange or revolting, remarks that it's an acquired taste and that you're @@ -15338,11 +21304,22 @@ Gourmet, n: Govern a great nation as you would cook a small fish. Don't overdo it. -- Lao Tsu % +Government [is] an illusion the governed should not encourage. + -- John Updike, "Couples" +% +Government lies, and newspapers lie, but in a democracy they are +different lies. +% Government spending? I don't know what it's all about. I don't know any more about this thing than an economist does, and, God knows, he doesn't know much. -- The Best of Will Rogers % +Government spending? I don't know what it's all about. I don't know +any more about this thing than an economist does, and, God knows, he +doesn't know much. + -- Will Rogers +% Government's Law: There is an exception to all laws. % @@ -15351,6 +21328,13 @@ leash. I thought I recognized your foul stench when I was brought on board. -- Princess Leia Organa % +Grabel's Law: + 2 is not equal to 3 -- not even for large values of 2. +% +Graduate life -- it's not just a job, it's an indenture. +% +Graduate life: It's not just a job. It's an indenture. +% Graduate students and most professors are no smarter than undergrads. They're just older. % @@ -15362,6 +21346,9 @@ he exclaimed: % Grandpa Charnock's Law: You never really learn to swear until you learn to drive. +% +Grandpa Charnock's Law: + You never really learn to swear until you learn to drive. [I thought it was when your kids learned to drive. Ed.] % @@ -15387,12 +21374,23 @@ GRAVITY: % Gravity brings me down. % +Gravity is a myth, the Earth sucks. +% +Gray's Law of Programming: + `_n+1' trivial tasks are expected to be accomplished in the same +time as `_n' tasks. + +Logg's Rebuttal to Gray's Law: + `_n+1' trivial tasks take twice as long as `_n' trivial tasks. +% Great acts are made up of small deeds. -- Lao Tsu % Great American Axiom: Some is good, more is better, too much is just right. % +Great minds run in great circles. +% GREAT MOMENTS IN AMERICAN HISTORY (#17): On November 13, Felix Unger was asked to remove himself from his @@ -15415,9 +21413,19 @@ also laughed at Bozo the Clown. % Greatness is a transitory experience. It is never consistent. % +Green light in A.M. for new projects. +Red light in P.M. for traffic tickets. +% +Greener's Law: + Never argue with a man who buys ink by the barrel. +% Green's Law of Debate: Anything is possible if you don't know what you're talking about. % +Grelb's Reminder: + Eighty percent of all people consider themselves to be above +average drivers. +% grep me no patterns and I'll tell you no lines. % Grief can take care of itself; but to get the full @@ -15470,6 +21478,9 @@ combining all these themes: it ends with its adolescent hero conquering the universe while straddling a giant worm. -- Arnold Klein % +Grub first, then ethics. + -- Bertolt Brecht +% GUILLOTINE: A French chopping center. % @@ -15490,6 +21501,12 @@ GURMLISH: the person from biting into it and puncturing the roof of his mouth. -- Rich Hall & Friends, "Sniglets" % +Gurmlish, n.: + The red warning flag at the top of a club sandwich which +prevents the person from biting into it and puncturing the roof of his +mouth. + -- Rich Hall & Friends, "Sniglets" +% GURU: A person in T-shirt and sandals who took an elevator ride with a senior vice-president and is ultimately responsible for the @@ -15498,6 +21515,33 @@ GURU: guru, n: A computer owner who can read the manual. % +Gyroscope, n.: + A wheel or disk mounted to spin rapidly about an axis and also +free to rotate about one or both of two axes perpendicular to each +other and the axis of spin so that a rotation of one of the two +mutually perpendicular axes results from application of torque to the +other when the wheel is spinning and so that the entire apparatus +offers considerable opposition depending on the angular momentum to any +torque that would change the direction of the axis of spin. + -- Webster's Seventh New Collegiate Dictionary +% +H: If a 'GOBLIN (HOB) waylays you, + Slice him up before he slays you. + Nothing makes you look a slob + Like running from a HOB'LIN (GOB). + -- The Roguelet's ABC +% +H. L. Mencken suffers from the hallucination that he is H. L. +Mencken -- there is no cure for a disease of that magnitude. + -- Maxwell Bodenheim +% +H. L. Mencken's Law: + Those who can -- do. + Those who can't -- teach. + +Martin's Extension: + Those who cannot teach -- administrate. +% H. L. Mencken's Law: Those who can -- do. Those who can't -- teach. @@ -15549,6 +21593,10 @@ Hacker's Guide To Cooking: for 3.6E6 milliseconds while you work on cleaning up stderr, and by time out your cheesecake will be ready for stdin. % +Hacker's Law: + The belief that enhanced understanding will necessarily stir a +nation to action is one of mankind's oldest illusions. +% Hackers of the world, unite! % Hacker's Quicky #313: @@ -15556,6 +21604,8 @@ Hacker's Quicky #313: Microwave Egg Roll Chocolate Milk % +Hacking's just another word for nothing left to kludge. +% "Had he and I but met By some old ancient inn, But ranged as infantry, We should have sat us down to wet And staring face to face, @@ -15580,11 +21630,19 @@ useful hints for the better ordering of the universe. referring to operating system initialization.] % Hail to the sun god +He sure is a fun god +Ra! Ra! Ra! +% +Hail to the sun god He's such a fun god Ra! Ra! Ra! % Hailing frequencies open, Captain. % +Hain't we got all the fools in town on our side? And hain't that a big +enough majority in any town? + -- Mark Twain, "Huckleberry Finn" +% Hale Mail Rule, The: When you are ready to reply to a letter, you will lack at least one of the following: @@ -15598,13 +21656,43 @@ But half the bee has got to be, vis-a-vis its entity. See? But can a bee be said to be or not to be an entire bee, When half the bee is not a bee, due to some ancient injury? % +Half Moon tonight. (At least it's better than no Moon at all.) +% Half of being smart is knowing what you're dumb at. % Half the world is composed of people who have something to say and can't, and the other half who have nothing to say and keep on saying it. % +Half-done: + This is the best way to eat a kosher dill -- when it's still +crunchy, light green, yet full of garlic flavor. The difference +between this and the typical soggy dark green cucumber corpse is like +the difference between life and death. + You may find it difficult to find a good half-done kosher dill +there in Seattle, so what you should do is take a cab out to the +airport, fly to New York, take the JFK Express to Jay Street-Borough +Hall, transfer to an uptown F, get off at East Broadway, walk north on +Essex (along the park), make your first left onto Hester Street, walk +about fifteen steps, turn ninety degrees left, and stop. Say to the +man, "Let me have a nice half-done." + Worth the trouble, wasn't it? + -- Arthur Naiman, "Every Goy's Guide to Yiddish" +% Halley's Comet: It came, we saw, we drank. % +Hall's Laws of Politics: + (1) The voters want fewer taxes and more spending. + (2) Citizens want honest politicians until they want something + fixed. + (3) Constituency drives out consistency (i.e., liberals defend + military spending, and conservatives social spending in + their own districts). +% +Hand, n.: + A singular instrument worn at the end of a human arm and +commonly thrust into somebody's pocket. + -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary" +% Handel's Proverb: You can't produce a baby in one month by impregnating 9 women! % @@ -15619,6 +21707,14 @@ Hanging on in quiet desperation is the English way. hangover, n: The wrath of grapes. % +Hanlon's Razor: + Never attribute to malice that which is adequately explained by +stupidity. +% +Hanson's Treatment of Time: + There are never enough hours in a day, but always too many days +before Saturday. +% Happiness adds and multiplies as we divide it with others. % happiness, adv: @@ -15635,6 +21731,9 @@ Happiness is a positive cash flow. Happiness is good health and a bad memory. -- Ingrid Bergman % +Happiness is having a scratch for every itch. + -- Ogden Nash +% Happiness is just an illusion, filled with sadness and confusion. % Happiness is the greatest good. @@ -15643,8 +21742,16 @@ Happiness is twin floppies. % Happiness isn't having what you want, it's wanting what you have. % +Happiness isn't something you experience; it's something you remember. + -- Oscar Levant +% Happiness makes up in height what it lacks in length. % +Happiness, n.: + An agreeable sensation arising from contemplating the misery of +another. + -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary" +% Happy feast of the pig! % Happy is the child whose father died rich. @@ -15656,6 +21763,8 @@ hard, adj: Hard reality has a way of cramping your style. -- Daniel Dennett % +Hard work may not kill you, but why take chances? +% Hard work may not kill you, but why take the chance? % Hard work never killed anybody, but why take a chance? @@ -15671,6 +21780,19 @@ not seek fame, therefore nobody knows its presence. It does not seek fortune, for it is complete within itself. It exists beyond space and time." Software and Hardware, ashamed, returned to their homes. % +Hardware, n.: + The parts of a computer system that can be kicked. +% +Hark, Hark, the dogs do bark +The Duke is fond of kittens +He likes to take their insides out +And use them for his mittens + -- "The 13 Clocks" +% +Hark, the Herald Tribune sings, +Advertising wondrous things. + -- Tom Lehrer +% Hark, the Herald Tribune sings, Advertising wondrous things. @@ -15678,6 +21800,10 @@ Angels we have heard on High Tell us to go out and Buy. -- Tom Lehrer % +Hark ye, Clinker, you are a most notorious offender. You stand +convicted of sickness, hunger, wretchedness, and want. + -- Tobias Smollet +% Harp not on that string. -- William Shakespeare, "Henry VI" % @@ -15706,9 +21832,16 @@ to the commonplace and practicable, "that there has been an earthquake." hadn't been carving that pie." -- Jerome K. Jerome, "Three Men In A Boat" % +Harrisberger's Fourth Law of the Lab: + Experience is directly proportional to the amount of equipment +ruined. +% Harrison's Postulate: For every action, there is an equal and opposite criticism. % +Harris's Lament: + All the good ones are taken. +% Harry and Fred were playing their Sunday afternoon golf game. The game, as always, was close. They were at the treacherous 12th hole: a par three that required a perfect first shot over a large pond and onto a tiny green. There @@ -15736,17 +21869,40 @@ We're going to eat your food, knock down your tent and poop on your shoes. We're protected by federal law, just like Richard Nixon." -- Dave Barry % +Harry is heavily into camping, and every year in the late fall, he +makes us all go to Assateague, which is an island on the Atlantic Ocean +famous for its wild horses. I realize that the concept of wild horses +probably stirs romantic notions in many of you, but this is because you +have never met any wild horses in person. In person, they are like +enormous hooved rats. They amble up to your camp site, and their +attitude is: "We're wild horses. We're going to eat your food, knock +down your tent and poop on your shoes. We're protected by federal law, +just like Richard Nixon." + -- Dave Barry, "Tenting Grandpa Bob" +% Harry's bar has a new cocktail. It's called MRS punch. They make it with milk, rum and sugar and it's wonderful. The milk is for vitality and the sugar is for pep. They put in the rum so that people will know what to do with all that pep and vitality. % +Hartley's First Law: + You can lead a horse to water, but if you can get him to float +on his back, you've got something. +% +Hartley's Second Law: + Never sleep with anyone crazier than yourself. +% Hartley's Second Law: Never sleep with anyone crazier than yourself. My corollary: The completely psychotic have all the fun. % +Harvard Law: + Under the most rigorously controlled conditions of pressure, +temperature, volume, humidity, and other variables, the organism will +do as it damn well pleases. +% HARVARD: Quarterback: Sophomore Dave Strewzinski... likes to pass. And pass he does, with @@ -15772,6 +21928,17 @@ coin toss. % Has anyone ever tasted an "end"? Are they really bitter? % +"Has anyone had problems with the computer accounts?" +"Yes, I don't have one." +"Okay, you can send mail to one of the tutors ..." + -- E. D'Azevedo, Computer Science 372 +% +Has everyone noticed that all the letters of the word "database" are +typed with the left hand? Now the layout of the QWERTYUIOP typewriter +keyboard was designed, among other things, to facilitate the even use +of both hands. It follows, therefore, that writing about databases is +not only unnatural, but a lot harder than it appears. +% Has the great art and mystery of politics no apparent utility? Does it appear to be unqualifiedly ratty, raffish, sordid, obscene and low down, and its salient virtuosi a gang of unmitigated scoundrels? Then let us @@ -15801,6 +21968,11 @@ unwed mothers and cheating on your income tax. hatred, n: A sentiment appropriate to the occasion of another's superiority. % +Hatred, n.: + A sentiment appropriate to the occasion of another's +superiority. + -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary" +% Have a coke and a smile! -- John DeLorean % @@ -15815,11 +21987,24 @@ somewhere else; this is not advice, it is merely custom. Have a taco. -- P. S. Beagle % +Have an adequate day. +% Have at you! % Have no friends not equal to yourself. -- Confucius % +Have people realized that the purpose of the fortune cookie program is +to defuse project tensions? When did you ever see a cheerful cookie, a +non-cynical, or even an informative cookie? + +Perhaps inadvertently, we have a channel for our aggressions. This +still begs the question of whether the cookie releases the pressure or +only serves to blunt the warning signs. + + Long live the revolution! + Have a nice day. +% Have the courage to take your own thoughts seriously, for they will shape you. -- Albert Einstein @@ -15840,10 +22025,35 @@ So here I am, Pickering, a confirmed old bachelor and very likely to remain so. -- Henry Higgins, "My Fair Lady" % +Have you ever noticed that the people who are always trying to tell +you, "There's a time for work and a time for play," never find the time +for play? +% +Have you ever wondered what makes Californians so calm? Besides drugs, +I mean. The answer is hot tubs. A hot tub is a redwood container +filled with water that you sit in naked with members of the opposite +sex, none of whom is necessarily your spouse. After a few hours in +their hot tubs, Californians don't give a damn about earthquakes or +mass murderers. They don't give a damn about anything, which is why +they are able to produce "Laverne and Shirley" week after week. + -- Dave Barry, "The Taming of the Screw" +% Have you flogged your kid today? % +"Have you lived here all your life?" +"Oh, twice that long." +% Have you locked your file cabinet? % +Have you noticed that all you need to grow healthy, vigorous grass is a +crack in your sidewalk? +% +Have you noticed the way people's intelligence capabilities decline +sharply the minute they start waving guns around? + -- Doctor Who +% +Have you reconsidered a computer career? +% Have you seen the latest Japanese camera? Apparently it is so fast it can photograph an American with his mouth shut! % @@ -15930,9 +22140,18 @@ HE: Let's end it all, bequeathin' our brains to science. SHE: What?!? Science got enough trouble with their OWN brains. -- Walt Kelley % +HE: Let's end it all, bequeathin' our brains to science. +SHE: What?!? Science got enough trouble with their ___OWN brains. + -- Walt Kelly +% He asked me if I knew what time it was -- I said yes, but not right now. -- Steven Wright % +"He did decide, though, that with more time and a great deal of mental +effort, he could probably turn the activity into an acceptable +perversion." + -- Mick Farren, "When Gravity Fails" +% He didn't run for reelection. "Politics brings you into contact with all the people you'd give anything to avoid," he said. "I'm staying home." -- Garrison Keillor, "Lake Wobegon Days" @@ -15944,8 +22163,23 @@ He draweth out the thread of his verbosity finer than the staple of his argument. -- William Shakespeare, "Love's Labour's Lost" % +He flung himself on his horse and rode madly off in all directions. + -- Stephen Leacock +% He gave her a look that you could have poured on a waffle. % +He had occasional flashes of silence that made his conversation +perfectly delightful. + -- Sydney Smith +% +He had that rare weird electricity about him -- that extremely wild and +heavy presence that you only see in a person who has abandoned all hope +of ever behaving "normally." + -- Hunter S. Thompson, "Fear and Loathing '72" +% +He hadn't a single redeeming vice. + -- Oscar Wilde +% He has been known by many names; the Prince of Lies, the Director, Lucifer, Belial, and once, at a party, some obnoxious drunk kept calling him "Dude". -- Stig's Inferno @@ -15972,6 +22206,9 @@ He is no lawyer who cannot take two sides. He is not only dull himself, he is the cause of dullness in others. -- Samuel Johnson % +He is now rising from affluence to poverty. + -- Mark Twain +% He is the best of men who dislikes power. -- Mohammed % @@ -15991,6 +22228,8 @@ He knows not how to know who knows not also how to unknow. He laughs at every joke three times... once when it's told, once when it's explained, and once when he understands it. % +He looked at me as if I was a side dish he hadn't ordered. +% He looked at me as if I were a side dish he hadn't ordered. -- Ring Lardner % @@ -16028,6 +22267,9 @@ My tears stuck in their little ducts, refusing to be jerked. His performance is so wooden you want to spray him with Liquid Pledge. -- John Stark, movie review % +He played the king as if afraid someone else would play the ace. + -- John Mason Brown, drama critic +% He tells you when you've got on too much lipstick, And helps you with your girdle when your hips stick. -- Ogden Nash, on the perfect husband @@ -16054,6 +22296,13 @@ He thinks by infection, catching an opinion like a cold. He thinks the Gettysburg Address is where Lincoln lived. -- Wanda, "A Fish Called Wanda" % +He thought he saw an albatross +That fluttered 'round the lamp. +He looked again and saw it was +A penny postage stamp. +"You'd best be getting home," he said, +"The nights are rather damp." +% He thought of Musashi, the Sword Saint, standing in his garden more than three hundred years ago. "What is the 'Body of a rock'?" he was asked. In answer, Musashi summoned a pupil of his and bid him kill himself by @@ -16074,15 +22323,28 @@ dust," some people laughed, and the cowboy shot them. At his hanging, he told the others, "I'll be waiting for you in heaven -- with a gun." -- Jack Handey % +He was a fiddler, and consequently a rogue. + -- Jonathan Swift +% +"He was a modest, good-humored boy. It was Oxford that made him +insufferable." +% He was part of my dream, of course -- but then I was part of his dream too. -- Lewis Carroll % +"He was so narrow minded he could see through a keyhole with both +eyes ..." +% He was the sort of person whose personality would be greatly improved by a terminal illness. % He who always plows a straight furrow is in a rut. % +He who attacks the fundamentals of the American broadcasting industry +attacks democracy itself. + -- William S. Paley, chairman of CBS +% He who dares the wrong, acts right, that's how it happens! -- Poul Henningsen (1894-1967) % @@ -16178,6 +22440,8 @@ He who laughs last probably doesn't understand the joke. % He who laughs last usually had to have joke explained. % +He who Laughs, Lasts. +% He who lives without folly is less wise than he believes. % He who loses, wins the race, @@ -16217,6 +22481,12 @@ education and culture. HEAD CRASH!! FILES LOST!! Details at 11. % +Health is merely the slowest possible rate at which one can die. +% +Health nuts are going to feel stupid someday, lying in hospitals dying +of nothing. + -- Redd Foxx +% Hear about... the absent minded sculptor who put his model to bed and started chiseling on his wife? @@ -16265,13 +22535,27 @@ on October 23rd, 4004 B.C. at nine o'clock in the morning. -- Dr. John Lightfoot, Vice-chancellor of Cambridge University % +Heaven, n.: + A place where the wicked cease from troubling you with talk of +their personal affairs, and the good listen with attention while you +expound your own. + -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary" +% Heavier than air flying machines are impossible. -- Lord Kelvin, President, Royal Society, c. 1895 % +Heavy, adj.: + Seduced by the chocolate side of the force. +% Hedonist for hire... no job too easy! % Heisenberg may have been here. % +Heisenberg may have slept here. +% +Hell hath no fury like a bureaucrat scorned. + -- Milton Friedman +% Hell hath no limits, nor is circumscribed in one self place, for where we are is Hell, and where Hell is there must we ever be. -- Christopher Marlowe, "Doctor Faustus" @@ -16285,6 +22569,13 @@ Hell is empty and all the devils are here. hell, n: Truth seen too late. % +Heller's Law: + The first myth of management is that it exists. + +Johnson's Corollary: + Nobody really knows what is going on anywhere within the +organization. +% Hello. Jim Rockford's machine, this is Larry Doheny's machine. Will you please have your master call my master at his convenience? Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. @@ -16300,15 +22591,31 @@ don't hear your girl screaming any more? You'll show the world; you'll tell them where to get off! You'll never give up, never give up, never give up -- that ship! % +"Hello," he lied. + -- Don Carpenter, quoting a Hollywood agent +% Hell's broken loose. -- Robert Greene % Help! I'm trapped in a Chinese computer factory! % +Help! I'm trapped in a PDP 11/70! +% HELP! Man trapped in a human body! % +HELP! MY TYPEWRITER IS BROKEN! + -- E. E. CUMMINGS +% +Help a swallow land at Capistrano. +% +Help fight continental drift. +% HELP!!!! I'm being held prisoner in /usr/games/lib! % +Help me, I'm a prisoner in a Fortune cookie file! +% +Help stamp out and abolish redundancy. +% Help stamp out Mickey-Mouse computer interfaces -- Menus are for Restaurants! % Hempstone's Question: @@ -16322,6 +22629,19 @@ them better, and whether helping, or reprimanding, or indulging them, without any power of engaging their respect. -- J. Austen % +Her locks an ancient lady gave +Her loving husband's life to save; +And men -- they honored so the dame -- +Upon some stars bestowed her name. + +But to our modern married fair, +Who'd give their lords to save their hair, +No stellar recognition's given. +There are not stars enough in heaven. +% +"Here at the Phone Company, we serve all kinds of people; from +Presidents and Kings to the scum of the earth ..." +% Here comes the orator, with his flood of words and his drop of reason. % Here I am again right where I know I shouldn't be @@ -16335,6 +22655,57 @@ Here I am, fifty-eight, and I still don't know what I want to be when I grow up. -- Peter Drucker % +Here I sit, broken-hearted, +All logged in, but work unstarted. +First net.this and net.that, +And a hot buttered bun for net.fat. + +The boss comes by, and I play the game, +Then I turn back to net.flame. +Is there a cure (I need your views), +For someone trapped in net.news? + +I need your help, I say 'tween sobs, +'Cause I'll soon be listed in net.jobs. +% +Here in my heart, I am Helen; + I'm Aspasia and Hero, at least. +I'm Judith, and Jael, and Madame de Sta"el; + I'm Salome, moon of the East. + +Here in my soul I am Sappho; + Lady Hamilton am I, as well. +In me R'ecamier vies with Kitty O'Shea, + With Dido, and Eve, and poor nell. + +I'm all of the glamorous ladies + At whose beckoning history shook. +But you are a man, and see only my pan, + So I stay at home with a book. + -- Dorothy Parker +% +Here is a simple experiment that will teach you an important electrical +lesson: On a cool, dry day, scuff your feet along a carpet, then reach +your hand into a friend's mouth and touch one of his dental fillings. +Did you notice how your friend twitched violently and cried out in +pain? This teaches us that electricity can be a very powerful force, +but we must never use it to hurt others unless we need to learn an +important electrical lesson. + +It also teaches us how an electrical circuit works. When you scuffed +your feet, you picked up batches of "electrons", which are very small +objects that carpet manufacturers weave into carpets so they will +attract dirt. The electrons travel through your bloodstream and +collect in your finger, where they form a spark that leaps to your +friend's filling, then travels down to his feet and back into the +carpet, thus completing the circuit. + +Amazing Electronic Fact: If you scuffed your feet long enough without +touching anything, you would build up so many electrons that your +finger would explode! But this is nothing to worry about unless you +have carpeting. + -- Dave Barry, "What is Electricity?" +% Here is a test to find whether your mission on earth is finished: if you're alive, it isn't. % @@ -16355,6 +22726,10 @@ the earth and if it opens wider, go, "Whoa! Whoa!" and flap your arms around as if you're going to fall. -- Jack Handey, "The New Mexican", 1988. % +"Here's something to think about: How come you never see a headline +like `Psychic Wins Lottery'?" + -- Jay Leno +% Herth's Law: He who turns the other cheek too far gets it in the neck. % @@ -16369,17 +22744,30 @@ He's dead, Jim. He's got the heart of a little child, and he keeps it in a jar on his desk. % +"He's just a politician trying to save both his faces ..." +% He's just like Capistrano, always ready for a few swallows. % He's like a function -- he returns a value, in the form of his opinion. It's up to you to cast it into a void or not. -- Phil Lapsley % +He's the kind of guy, that, well, if you were ever in a jam he'd be +there ... with two slices of bread and some chunky peanut butter. +% +"He's the kind of man for the times that need the kind of man he is ..." +% +Heuristics are bug ridden by definition. If they didn't have bugs, +then they'd be algorithms. +% Hewett's Observation: The rudeness of a bureaucrat is inversely proportional to his or her position in the governmental hierarchy and to the number of peers similarly engaged. % +"Hey! Who took the cork off my lunch??!" + -- W. C. Fields +% Hey, diddle, diddle the overflow pdl To get a little more stack; If that's not enough then you lose it all @@ -16448,9 +22836,26 @@ Remember, at the Preston A. Mantis Consumers Retail Law Outlet, our motto is: 'It is very difficult to disprove certain kinds of pain.' -- Dave Barry % +"Hi, I'm Preston A. Mantis, president of Consumers Retail Law Outlet. +As you can see by my suit and the fact that I have all these books of +equal height on the shelves behind me, I am a trained legal attorney. +Do you have a car or a job? Do you ever walk around? If so, you +probably have the makings of an excellent legal case. Although of +course every case is different, I would definitely say that based on my +experience and training, there's no reason why you shouldn't come out +of this thing with at least a cabin cruiser. + +"Remember, at the Preston A. Mantis Consumers Retail Law Outlet, our +motto is: `It is very difficult to disprove certain kinds of pain.'" + -- Dave Barry, "Pain and Suffering" +% Hi Jimbo. Dennis. Really appreciate the help on the income tax. You wanna help on the audit now? % +Hi there! This is just a note from me, to you, to tell you, the person +reading this note, that I can't think up any more famous quotes, jokes, +nor bizarre stories, so you may as well go home. +% Hickery Dickery Dock, The mice ran up the clock, The clock struck one, @@ -16462,11 +22867,28 @@ Hideously disfigured by an ancient Indian curse? Call (511) 338-0959 for an immediate appointment. % +Hier liegt ein Mann ganz ohnegleich; +Im Leibe dick, an Suenden reich. +Wir haben ihn ins Grab gesteckt, Here lies a man with sundry flaws +Weil es uns duenkt er sei verreckt. And numerous Sins upon his head; + We buried him today because + As far as we can tell, he's dead. + -- PDQ Bach's epitaph, as requested by his cousin Betty + Sue Bach and written by the local doggerel catcher; + "The Definitive Biography of PDQ Bach", Peter + Schickele +% Higgins: Doolittle, you're either an honest man or a rogue. Doolittle: A little of both, Guv'nor. Like the rest of us, a little of both. -- Shaw, "Pygmalion" % +Higgledy Piggledy, +Hamlet of Elsinore +Ruffled the critics by dropping this bomb: +"Phooey on Freud and his Psychoanalysis -- +Oedipus, Shmoedipus, I just loved Mom." +% High heels are a device invented by a woman who was tired of being kissed on the forehead. % @@ -16507,6 +22929,18 @@ Him: "Really? That's incredible... Hindsight is always 20:20. -- Billy Wilder % +Hindsight is an exact science. +% +Hippogriff, n.: + An animal (now extinct) which was half horse and half griffin. +The griffin was itself a compound creature, half lion and half eagle. +The hippogriff was actually, therefore, only one quarter eagle, which +is two dollars and fifty cents in gold. The study of zoology is full +of surprises. + -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary" +% +Hire the morally handicapped. +% His designs were strictly honourable, as the phrase is: that is, to rob a lady of her fortune by way of marriage. -- Henry Fielding, "Tom Jones" @@ -16531,6 +22965,9 @@ rainbow at night and is the place where the red sun becomes orange at midday. Some of the monks doubted the orthodoxy of this prayer technique... -- Roger Zelazny, "Lord of Light" % +"His great aim was to escape from civilization, and, as soon as he had +money, he went to Southern California." +% His heart was yours from the first moment that you met. % His ideas of first-aid stopped short of squirting soda water. @@ -16538,6 +22975,11 @@ His ideas of first-aid stopped short of squirting soda water. % His life was formal; his actions seemed ruled with a ruler. % +His mind is like a steel trap -- full of mice. + -- Foghorn Leghorn +% +His super power is to turn into a scotch terrier. +% Historians have now definitely established that Juan Cabrillo, discoverer of California, was not looking for Kansas, thus setting a precedent that continues to this day. @@ -16558,6 +23000,11 @@ History has the relation to truth that theology has to religion -- i.e. none to speak of. -- Lazarus Long % +History is curious stuff + You'd think by now we had enough +Yet the fact remains I fear + They make more of it every year. +% History is nothing but a collection of fables and useless trifles, cluttered up with a mass of unnecessary figures and proper names. -- Leo Tolstoy @@ -16567,6 +23014,15 @@ History is on our side (as long as we can control the historians). History is the version of past events that people have decided to agree on. -- Napoleon Bonaparte, "Maxims" % +History, n.: + Papa Hegel he say that all we learn from history is that we +learn nothing from history. I know people who can't even learn from +what happened this morning. Hegel must have been taking the long +view. + -- Chad C. Mulligan, "The Hipcrime Vocab" +% +History repeats itself. That's one thing wrong with history. +% History repeats itself -- the first time as a tragi-comedy, the second time as bedroom farce. % @@ -16608,6 +23064,10 @@ agreement between the cultural European nations were only to be used against the coloured. -- Poul Henningsen (1894-1967) % +Hlade's Law: + If you have a difficult task, give it to a lazy person -- they +will find an easier way to do it. +% Hoaars-Faisse Gallery presents: An exhibit of works by the artist known only as Pretzel. @@ -16624,12 +23084,20 @@ the argument: that the alienation of the person/machine boundary has sapped the strength of our voices and must be destroyed for society to exist in a more fundamental sense. % +Hoare's Law of Large Problems: + Inside every large problem is a small problem struggling to get +out. +% Hodie natus est radici frater. % Hoffer's Discovery: The grand act of a dying institution is to issue a newly revised, enlarged edition of the policies and procedures manual. % +Hofstadter's Law: + It always takes longer than you expect, even when you take +Hofstadter's Law into account. +% HOGAN'S HEROES DRINKING GAME -- Take a shot every time: @@ -16657,6 +23125,9 @@ HOGAN'S HEROES DRINKING GAME -- Hollerith, v: What thou doest when thy phone is on the fritzeth. % +Hollywood is where if you don't have happiness you send out for it. + -- Rex Reed +% Holy Dilemma! Is this the end for the Caped Crusader and the Boy Wonder? Will the Joker and the Riddler have the last laugh? @@ -16675,6 +23146,10 @@ Home life as we understand it is no more natural to us than a cage is to a cockatoo. -- George Bernard Shaw % +Home of Doberman Propulsion Laboratories: +The ultimate in watchdog weaponry. + -- Chris Shaw +% Home on the Range was originally written in beef-flat. % "Home, Sweet Home" must surely have been written by a bachelor. @@ -16683,6 +23158,11 @@ Home on the Range was originally written in beef-flat. Honesty is for the most part less profitable than dishonesty. -- Plato % +Honesty is the best policy, but insanity is a better defense. +% +Honesty pays, but it doesn't seem to pay enough to suit some people. + -- F. M. Hubbard +% Honesty's the best policy. -- Miguel de Cervantes % @@ -16692,6 +23172,16 @@ honeymoon, n: % Honi soit la vache qui rit. % +Honk if you hate bumper stickers that say "Honk if ..." +% +Honk if you love peace and quiet. +% +Honorable, adj.: + Afflicted with an impediment in one's reach. In legislative +bodies, it is customary to mention all members as honorable; as, "the +honorable gentleman is a scurvy cur." + -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary" +% Hope is a good breakfast, but it is a bad supper. -- Francis Bacon % @@ -16713,9 +23203,18 @@ as the mediocre verses of the young man she is in love with. Horner's Five Thumb Postulate: Experience varies directly with equipment ruined. % +Horngren's Observation: + Among economists, the real world is often a special case. +% Hors d'oeuvres -- a ham sandwich cut into forty pieces. -- Jack Benny % +Horse sense is the thing a horse has which keeps it from betting on +people. + -- W. C. Fields +% +Horses are forbidden to eat fire hydrants in Marshalltown, Iowa. +% HOST SYSTEM NOT RESPONDING, PROBABLY DOWN. DO YOU WANT TO WAIT? (Y/N) % HOST SYSTEM RESPONDING, PROBABLY UP... @@ -16733,9 +23232,14 @@ Household hint: Housework can kill you if done right. -- Erma Bombeck % +Houston, Tranquillity Base here. The Eagle has landed. + -- Neil Armstrong +% How apt the poor are to be proud. -- William Shakespeare, "Twelfth-Night" % +How can you be in two places at once when you're not anywhere at all? +% How can you do "New Math" problems with an "Old Math" mind? -- Schulz % @@ -16760,8 +23264,12 @@ How come everyone's going so slow if it's called rush hour? How come financial advisors never seem to be as wealthy as they claim they'll make you? % +How come only your friends step on your new white sneakers? +% How come we never talk anymore? % +How come wrong numbers are never busy? +% How comes it to pass, then, that we appear such cowards in reasoning, and are so afraid to stand the test of ridicule? -- A. Cooper @@ -16799,6 +23307,11 @@ I wish I could tell you how it is in that dark, standing in the huge singing and the alien world. -- Jack Gilbert, "Don Giovanni on his way to Hell" % +How do I love thee? My accumulator overflows. +% +How do you explain school to a higher intelligence? + -- Elliot, "E.T." +% "How do you know she is a unicorn?" Molly demanded. "And why were you afraid to let her touch you? I saw you. You were afraid of her." "I doubt that I will feel like talking for very long," the cat @@ -16813,15 +23326,58 @@ examined his claws. hers and not my own, not ever again." -- Peter S. Beagle, "The Last Unicorn" % +How doth the little crocodile + Improve his shining tail, +And pour the waters of the Nile + On every golden scale! + +How cheerfully he seems to grin, + How neatly spreads his claws, +And welcomes little fishes in, + With gently smiling jaws! + -- Lewis Carroll, "Alice in Wonderland" +% +How doth the VAX's C compiler +Improve its object code. +And even as we speak does it +Increase the system load. + +How patiently it seems to run +And spit out error flags, +While users, with frustration, all +Tear their clothes to rags. +% +How doth the VAX's C-compiler +Improve its object code. +And even as we speak does it +Increase the system load. + +How patiently it seems to run +And spit out error flags, +While users, with frustration, all +Tear all their clothes to rags. +% How is the world ruled, and how do wars start? Diplomats tell lies to journalists, and they believe what they read. -- Karl Kraus, "Aphorisms and More Aphorisms" % How kind of you to be willing to live someone's life for them. % +How long a minute is depends on which side of the bathroom door you're +on. +% How many "coming men" has one known! Where on earth do they all go to? -- Sir Arthur Wing Pinero % +How many hardware engineers does it take to change a lightbulb? +None: "We'll fix it in software." + +How many software engineers does it take to change a lightbulb? +None: "We'll document it in the manual." + +How many tech writers does it take to change a lightbulb? +None: "The user can work it out." +% How many hors d'oeuvres you are allowed to take off a tray being carried by a waiter at a nice party? Two, but there are ways around it, depending on the style of the hors @@ -16831,10 +23387,25 @@ cheese! I hate cheese!" Then you put the rest of it back on the tray and bite another one and go, "Darn it! Another cheese!" and so on. -- Dave Barry % +"How many hors d'oeuvres you are allowed to take off a tray being +carried by a waiter at a nice party?" + +Two, but there are ways around it, depending on the style of the hors +d'oeuvre. If they're those little pastry things where you can't tell +what's inside, you take one, bite off about two-thirds of it, then +say: "This is cheese! I hate cheese!" Then you put the rest of it +back on the tray and bite another one and go, "Darn it! Another +cheese!" and so on. + -- Dave Barry, "The Stuff of Etiquette" +% How many priests are needed for a Boston Mass? % How many weeks are there in a light year? % +How much does it cost to entice a dope-smoking UNIX system guru to +Dayton? + -- Brian Boyle, UNIX/WORLD's First Annual Salary Survey +% How much does she love you? Less than you'll ever know. % @@ -16855,13 +23426,38 @@ How sharper than a hound's tooth it is to have a thankless serpent. How sharper than a serpent's tooth is a sister's "See?" -- Linus Van Pelt % +How to become a sysop: + I grew a beard, started wearing only t-shirts and jeans, and + developed a surly attitude. The group accepted me, and I've + never worked a full day in my life since then. + -- rho/slashdot +% How to Raise Your I.Q. by Eating Gifted Children -- Book title by Lewis B. Frumkes % How untasteful can you get? % +How wonderful opera would be if there were no singers. +% +HOW YOU CAN TELL THAT IT'S GOING TO BE A ROTTEN DAY: + #1040 Your income tax refund cheque bounces. +% +HOW YOU CAN TELL THAT IT'S GOING TO BE A ROTTEN DAY: + #15 Your pet rock snaps at you. +% +HOW YOU CAN TELL THAT IT'S GOING TO BE A ROTTEN DAY: + #32: You call your answering service and they've never heard of + you. +% How you look depends on where you go. % +Howe's Law: + Everyone has a scheme that will not work. +% +However, never daunted, I will cope with adversity in my traditional +manner ... sulking and nausea. + -- Tom K. Ryan +% However, on religious issues there can be little or no compromise. There is no position on which people are so immovable as their religious beliefs. There is no more powerful ally one can claim in a debate than Jesus Christ, @@ -16883,6 +23479,15 @@ of the way if they try to dictate their moral convictions to all Americans in the name of "conservatism." -- Senator Barry Goldwater, Congressional Record % +HR 3128. Omnibus Budget Reconciliation, Fiscal 1986. Martin, R-Ill., +motion that the House recede from its disagreement to the Senate +amendment making changes in the bill to reduce fiscal 1986 deficits. +The Senate amendment was an amendment to the House amendment to the +Senate amendment to the House amendment to the Senate amendment to the +bill. The original Senate amendment was the conference agreement on +the bill. Agreed to. + -- Albuquerque Journal +% Hubbard's Law: Don't take life too seriously; you won't get out of it alive. @@ -16894,6 +23499,8 @@ Never mind. % Huh? % +Human beings were created by water to transport it uphill. +% Human cardiac catheterization was introduced by Werner Forssman in 1929. Ignoring his department chief, and tying his assistant to an operating table to prevent her interference, he placed a ureteral catheter into @@ -16901,6 +23508,14 @@ a vein in his arm, advanced it to the right atrium [of his heart], and walked upstairs to the x-ray department where he took the confirmatory x-ray film. In 1956, Dr. Forssman was awarded the Nobel Prize. % +Human cardiac catheterization was introduced by Werner Forssman in +1929. Ignoring his department chief, and tying his assistant to an +operating table to prevent his interference, he placed a urethral +catheter into a vein in his arm, advanced it to the right atrium [of +his heart], and walked upstairs to the x-ray department where he took +the confirmatory x-ray film. In 1956, Dr. Forssman was awarded the +Nobel Prize. +% Human kind cannot bear very much reality. -- T. S. Eliot, "Four Quartets: Burnt Norton" % @@ -16918,6 +23533,11 @@ Humans are communications junkies. We just can't get enough. Humility is the first of the virtues -- for other people. -- Oliver Wendell Holmes % +Hummingbirds never remember the words to songs. +% +Humor is a drug which it's the fashion to abuse. + -- William Gilbert +% Humorists always sit at the children's table. -- Woody Allen % @@ -16941,6 +23561,10 @@ Had scrambled eggs for breakfast again! % Humpty Dumpty was pushed. % +Hurewitz's Memory Principle: + The chance of forgetting something is directly proportional +to ..... to ........ uh .............. +% I: The best way to make a silk purse from a sow's ear is to begin with a silk sow. The same is true of money. @@ -16980,6 +23604,14 @@ viewpoint -- no matter how distasteful to the majority. What are our schools for if not indoctrination against Communism? -- Richard Nixon % +I also believe that academic freedom should protect the right of a +professor or student to advocate Marxism, socialism, communism, or any +other minority viewpoint -- no matter how distasteful to the majority. + -- Richard M. Nixon + +What are our schools for if not indoctrination against Communism? + -- Richard M. Nixon +% I always choose my friends for their good looks and my enemies for their good intellects. Man cannot be too careful in his choice of enemies. -- Oscar Wilde, "The Picture of Dorian Gray" @@ -17040,6 +23672,10 @@ than be one. I am a man: nothing human is alien to me. -- Publius Terentius Afer (Terence) % +I am a PC technician - however, this has unfortunately caused my +computer to be running Win98. + -- seen on a FreeBSD mailing-list +% I am America's child, a spastic slogging on demented limbs drooling I'll trade my PhD for a telephone voice. -- Burt Lanier Safford III, "An Obscured Radiance" @@ -17059,6 +23695,13 @@ When they hand a million grand out, I'll be standing with my hand out, Yessir, I'll get mine! % +"I am convinced that the manufacturers of carpet odor removing powder +have included encapsulated time released cat urine in their products. +This technology must be what prevented its distribution during my mom's +reign. My carpet smells like piss, and I don't have a cat. Better go +buy some more." + -- timw@zeb.USWest.COM +% I am convinced that the truest act of courage is to sacrifice ourselves for others in a totally nonviolent struggle for justice. To be a man is to suffer for others. @@ -17084,12 +23727,21 @@ globule. Consequently, my family pride is something inconceivable. I can't help it. I was born sneering. -- Pooh-Bah, "The Mikado" % +"I am, in point of fact, a particularly haughty and exclusive person, +of pre-Adamite ancestral descent. You will understand this when I tell +you that I can trace my ancestry back to a protoplasmal primordial +atomic globule. Consequently, my family pride is something +inconceivable. I can't help it. I was born sneering." + -- Pooh-Bah, "The Mikado", Gilbert & Sullivan +% I am just a nice, clean-cut Mongolian boy. -- Yul Brynner, 1956 % I am looking for a honest man. -- Diogenes the Cynic % +I am more bored than you could ever possibly be. Go back to work. +% I am NOMAD! % I am not a crook. @@ -17101,6 +23753,18 @@ I am not a politician and my other habits are also good. I am not afraid of tomorrow, for I have seen yesterday and I love today. -- William Allen White % +"I am not an Economist. I am an honest man!" + -- Paul McCracken +% +"I am not now, and never have been, a girlfriend of Henry Kissinger." + -- Gloria Steinem +% +I am not now, nor have I ever been, a member of the demigodic party. + -- Dennis M. Ritchie +% +"I am not sure what this is, but an `F' would only dignify it." + -- English Professor +% I am of the belief that catnip arrived on the planet in the same spaceship that delivered cats. It is the only thing they have from their home planet. Tuna, chicken, sparrow-brains, etc., these are all things of our @@ -17111,6 +23775,19 @@ I am professionally trained in computer science, which is to say (in all seriousness) that I am extremely poorly educated. -- Joseph Weizenbaum, "Computer Power and Human Reason" % +I am ready to meet my Maker. Whether my Maker is prepared for the +great ordeal of meeting me is another matter. + -- Winston Churchill +% +I am returning this otherwise good typing paper to you because someone +has printed gibberish all over it and put your name at the top. + -- Professor Lowd, English, Ohio University +% +I am so optimistic about beef prices that I've just leased a pot roast +with an option to buy. +% +"I am the mother of all things, and all things should wear a sweater." +% I am the wandering glitch -- catch me if you can. % I am two fools, I know, for loving, and for saying so. @@ -17123,6 +23800,18 @@ I am very fond of the company of ladies. I like their beauty, I like their delicacy, I like their vivacity, and I like their silence. -- Samuel Johnson % +"I appreciate the fact that this draft was done in haste, but some of +the sentences that you are sending out in the world to do your work for +you are loitering in taverns or asleep beside the highway." + -- Dr. Dwight Van de Vate, Professor of Philosophy, + University of Tennessee at Knoxville +% +"I argue very well. Ask any of my remaining friends. I can win an +argument on any topic, against any opponent. People know this, and +steer clear of me at parties. Often, as a sign of their great respect, +they don't even invite me." + -- Dave Barry +% I asked the engineer who designed the communication terminal's keyboards why these were not manufactured in a central facility, in view of the small number needed [1 per month] in his factory. He explained that this @@ -17171,6 +23860,9 @@ because his religion differs from the president who might appoint him or the people who might elect him. -- John F. Kennedy % +"I believe in getting into hot water; it keeps you clean." + -- G. K. Chesterton +% I believe in sex and death -- two experiences that come once in a lifetime. -- Woody Allen % @@ -17183,6 +23875,12 @@ thought, it will be possible to systematize confusion and contribute to the total discrediting of the world of reality. -- Salvador Dali % +"I belong to no organized party. I am a Democrat." + -- Will Rogers +% +"I bet the human brain is a kludge." + -- Marvin Minsky +% I BET WHAT HAPPENED was they discovered fire and invented the wheel on the same day. Then that night, they burned the wheel. -- Jack Handey, "The New Mexican", 1988. @@ -17200,6 +23898,8 @@ I bet you have fun chasing the soap around the bathtub. I bought some used paint. It was in the shape of a house. -- Stephen Wright % +I brake for chezlogs! +% I braved the contempt of my friends last week and ventured out to see Bambi, the Disney rerelease that is proving to be a hit once again in the box office. I was looking forward to a gentle, soothing, late afternoon @@ -17217,6 +23917,9 @@ apparent intention of having sex. Next thing you know, the forest burns down. If I were still eight, I think I'd prefer Rambo III. -- Townsend Davis % +I call them as I see them. If I can't see them, I make them up. + -- Biff Barf +% I called my parents the other night, but I forgot about the time difference. They're still living in the fifties. -- Strange de Jim @@ -17229,6 +23932,12 @@ All I could do was account -- I couldn't even account for myself. % I came to MIT to get an education for myself and a diploma for my mother. % +I can feel for her because, although I have never been an Alaskan +prostitute dancing on the bar in a spangled dress, I still get very +bored with washing and ironing and dishwashing and cooking day after +relentless day. + -- Betty MacDonald +% I can give you my word, but I know what it's worth and you don't. -- Nero Wolfe, "Over My Dead Body" % @@ -17239,8 +23948,17 @@ I can mend the break of day, heal a broken heart, and provide temporary relief to nymphomaniacs. -- Larry Lee % +I can read your mind, and you should be ashamed of yourself. +% I can relate to that. % +"I can remember when a good politician had to be 75 percent ability and +25 percent actor, but I can well see the day when the reverse could be +true." + -- Harry S. Truman +% +"I can resist anything but temptation." +% I can see him a'comin' With his big boots on, With his big thumb out, @@ -17260,15 +23978,36 @@ I can write better than anybody who can write faster, and I can write faster than anybody who can write better. -- A. J. Liebling % +"I cannot and will not cut my conscience to fit this year's fashions." + -- Lillian Hellman +% I cannot believe that God plays dice with the cosmos. -- Albert Einstein, on the randomness of quantum mechanics % +I cannot conceive that anybody will require multiplications at the rate +of 40,000 or even 4,000 per hour ... + -- F. H. Wales (1936) +% I cannot draw a cart, nor eat dried oats; If it be man's work I will do it. % +I cannot overemphasize the importance of good grammar. + +What a crock. I could easily overemphasize the importance of good +grammar. For example, I could say: "Bad grammar is the leading cause +of slow, painful death in North America," or "Without good grammar, the +United States would have lost World War II." + -- Dave Barry, "An Utterly Absurd Look at Grammar" +% I can't believe that out of 100,000 sperm, you were the quickest. -- Steven Pearl % +"I can't complain, but sometimes I still do." + -- Joe Walsh +% +"I can't decide whether to commit suicide or go bowling." + -- Florence Henderson +% I can't die until the government finds a safe place to bury my liver. -- Phil Harris % @@ -17299,6 +24038,14 @@ forms. You've got to kill the people producing them. Building Works (near Moscow) in a speech to the Communist Party Conference % +I can't understand it. I can't even understand the people who can +understand it. + -- Queen Juliana of the Netherlands. +% +I can't understand why a person will take a year or two to write a +novel when he can easily buy one for a few dollars. + -- Fred Allen +% I can't understand why people are frightened of new ideas. I'm frightened of the old ones. -- John Cage @@ -17320,12 +24067,20 @@ I consider the day misspent that I am not either charged with a crime, or arrested for one. -- "Ratsy" Tourbillon % +I could dance till the cows come home. On second thought, I'd rather +dance with the cows till you come home. + -- Groucho Marx +% I could never learn to like her -- except on a raft at sea with no other provisions in sight. -- Mark Twain % I couldn't possibly fail to disagree with you less. % +"I couldn't remember when I had been so disappointed. Except perhaps +the time I found out that M&Ms really *do* melt in your hand ..." + -- Peter Oakley +% I despise the pleasure of pleasing people whom I despise. % I didn't believe in reincarnation in any of my other lives. I don't see why @@ -17341,6 +24096,11 @@ But maybe that's what sophisticated is -- being tired. % I didn't know he was dead; I thought he was British. % +"I didn't know it was impossible when I did it." +% +I didn't like the play, but I saw it under adverse conditions. The +curtain was up. +% "I didn't order any WOO-WOO... Maybe a YUBBA... But no WOO-WOO!" -- Zippy the Pinhead % @@ -17362,6 +24122,15 @@ I do desire we may be better strangers. % I do enjoy a good long walk -- especially when my wife takes one. % +I do hate sums. There is no greater mistake than to call arithmetic an +exact science. There are permutations and aberrations discernible to +minds entirely noble like mine; subtle variations which ordinary +accountants fail to discover; hidden laws of number which it requires a +mind like mine to perceive. For instance, if you add a sum from the +bottom up, and then again from the top down, the result is always +different. + -- Mrs. La Touche (19th cent.) +% I do not believe in the creed professed by the Jewish Church, by the Roman Church, by the Greek Church, by the Turkish Church, by the Protestant Church, nor by any Church that I know of. My own mind is my own Church. @@ -17376,6 +24145,16 @@ and one citizen has as much right to play as another. Jackie Robinson took the field against St. Louis. The Cardinals backed down and played. % +"I do not fear computers. I fear the lack of them." + -- Isaac Asimov +% +"I do not feel obliged to believe that the same God who has endowed us +with sense, reason, and intellect has intended us to forego their use." + -- Galileo Galilei +% +"I do not know myself, and God forbid that I should." + -- Johann Wolfgang von Goethe +% I do not know where to find in any literature, whether ancient or modern, any adequate account of that nature with which I am acquainted. Mythology comes nearest to it of any. @@ -17399,10 +24178,22 @@ tiresome. I do not take drugs -- I am drugs. -- Salvador Dali % +"I don't believe in astrology. But then I'm an Aquarius, and Aquarians +don't believe in astrology." + -- James R. F. Quirk +% I don't believe in astrology. But then I'm an Aquarius, and Aquarians don't believe in astrology. -- James Quirk % +I don't believe there really IS a GAS SHORTAGE.. I think it's all just +a BIG HOAX on the part of the plastic sign salesmen -- to sell more +numbers!! +% +I don't care for the Sugar Smacks commercial. I don't like the idea of +a frog jumping on my Breakfast. + -- Lowell, Chicago Reader 10/15/82 +% I don't care how poor and inefficient a little country is; they like to run their own business. I know men that would make my wife a better husband than I am; but, darn it, I'm not going to give her to 'em. @@ -17414,6 +24205,10 @@ I don't care what star you're following, get that camel off my front lawn! I don't care where I sit as long as I get fed. -- Calvin Trillin % +I don't care who does the electing as long as I get to do the +nominating. + -- Boss Tweed +% I don't deserve this award, but I have arthritis and I don't deserve that either. -- Jack Benny @@ -17432,14 +24227,24 @@ I don't get no respect. I don't have an eating problem. I eat. I get fat. I buy new clothes. No problem. % +"I don't have any solution but I certainly admire the problem." + -- Ashleigh Brilliant +% I don't have any use for bodyguards, but I do have a specific use for two highly trained certified public accountants. -- Elvis Presley % +"I don't have to take this abuse from you -- I've got hundreds of +people waiting to abuse me." + -- Bill Murray, "Ghostbusters" +% I don't kill flies, but I like to mess with their minds. I hold them above globes. They freak out and yell "Whooa, I'm *way* too high." -- Bruce Baum % +I don't know anything about music. In my line you don't have to. + -- Elvis Presley +% I don't know what Descartes' got, But booze can do what Kant cannot. -- Mike Cross @@ -17453,6 +24258,10 @@ I don't know why anyone would want a computer in their home. % I don't know why we're here, I say we all go home and free associate. % +"I don't like spinach, and I'm glad I don't, because if I liked it I'd +eat it, and I just hate it." + -- Clarence Darrow +% I don't like the Dutchman. He's a crocodile. He's sneaky. I don't trust him. -- Jack "Legs" Diamond, just before a peace conference @@ -17470,6 +24279,13 @@ I don't mind arguing with myself. It's when I lose that it bothers me. -- Richard Powers % +"I don't mind going nowhere as long as it's an interesting path." + -- Ronald Mabbitt +% +I don't mind what Congress does, as long as they don't do it in the +streets and frighten the horses. + -- Victor Hugo +% I don't need no arms around me... I don't need no drugs to calm me... I have seen the writing on the wall. @@ -17479,6 +24295,8 @@ All in all, it was all just bricks in the wall. All in all, it was all just bricks in the wall. -- Pink Floyd, "Another Brick in the Wall", Part III % +"I don't object to sex before marriage, but two minutes before?!?" +% I don't remember it, but I have it written down. % I don't see what's wrong with giving Bobby a little experience before @@ -17490,10 +24308,15 @@ I DON'T THINK I'M ALONE when I say I'd like to see more and more planets fall under the ruthless domination of our solar system. -- Jack Handey, "The New Mexican", 1988. % +"I don't think so," said Ren'e Descartes. Just then, he vanished. +% I don't think they are going to give a shit about the Republican Committee trying to bug the Democratic Committee's headquarters. -- Richard Nixon, 1972 % +"I don't think they could put him in a mental hospital. On the other +hand, if he were already in, I don't think they'd let him out." +% "I don't understand," said the scientist, "why you lemmings all rush down to the sea and drown yourselves." @@ -17519,6 +24342,15 @@ I don't want to achieve immortality through my work. I want to achieve immortality through not dying. -- Woody Allen % +I don't want to alarm anybody, but there is an excellent chance that +the Earth will be destroyed in the next several days. Congress is +thinking about eliminating a federal program under which scientists +broadcast signals to alien beings. This would be a large mistake. +Alien beings have nuclear blaster death cannons. You cannot cut off +their federal programs as if they were merely poor people ... + -- Dave Barry, "THE ALIENS ARE COMING, THE ALIENS ARE + COMING!" +% I don't want to bore you, but there's nobody else around for me to bore. % I don't want to live on in my work, I want to live on in my apartment. @@ -17529,6 +24361,17 @@ I don't wish to appear overly inquisitive, but are you still alive? I dote on his very absence. -- William Shakespeare, "The Merchant of Venice" % +I doubt, therefore I might be. +% +"I dread success. To have succeeded is to have finished one's business +on earth, like the male spider, who is killed by the female the moment +he has succeeded in his courtship. I like a state of continual +becoming, with a goal in front and not behind." + -- George Bernard Shaw +% +"I drink to make other people interesting." + -- George Jean Nathan +% I either want less decadence or more chance to participate in it. % I enjoy the time that we spend together. @@ -17539,6 +24382,9 @@ I fear explanations explanatory of things explained. % I feel sorry for your brain... all alone in that great big head... % +I fell asleep reading a dull book, and I dreamt that I was reading on, +so I woke up from sheer boredom. +% I figure that if God actually does exist, He's big enough to understand an honest difference of opinion. -- Isaac Asimov @@ -17551,9 +24397,26 @@ I find this corpse guilty of carrying a concealed weapon and I fine it $40. -- Judge Roy Bean, finding a pistol and $40 on a man he'd just shot. % +I for one cannot protest the recent M.T.A. fare hike and the +accompanying promises that this would in no way improve service. For +the transit system, as it now operates, has hidden advantages that +can't be measured in monetary terms. + +Personally, I feel that it is well worth 75 cents or even $1 to have +that unimpeachable excuse whenever I am late to anything: "I came by +subway." Those four words have such magic in them that if Godot should +someday show up and mumble them, any audience would instantly +understand his long delay. +% +"I found out why my car was humming. It had forgotten the words." +% I found Rome a city of bricks and left it a city of marble. -- Augustus Caesar % +"I gained nothing at all from Supreme Enlightenment, and for that very +reason it is called Supreme Enlightenment." + -- Gautama Buddha +% I gave my love an Apple, that had no core; I gave my love a building, that had no floor; I wrote my love a program, that had no end; @@ -17569,9 +24432,31 @@ A building that's perfect, it has no flaw! A program with GOTOs, it has no end! I lied about the upgrade, with no cryin'! % +I gave up Smoking, Drinking and Sex. It was the most *__________horrifying* 20 +minutes of my life! +% +I generally avoid temptation unless I can't resist it. + -- Mae West +% I get my exercise acting as pallbearer to my friends who exercise. -- Chauncey Depew % +I get up each morning, gather my wits. + Pick up the paper, read the obits. +If I'm not there I know I'm not dead. + So I eat a good breakfast and go back to bed. +% +I get up each morning, gather my wits. +Pick up the paper, read the obits. +If I'm not there I know I'm not dead. +So I eat a good breakfast and go back to bed. + +Oh, how do I know my youth is all spent? +My get-up-and-go has got-up-and-went. +But in spite of it all, I'm able to grin, +And think of the places my get-up has been. + -- Pete Seeger +% I give you the man who -- the man who -- uh, I forgets the man who? -- Beauregard Bugleboy % @@ -17699,16 +24584,29 @@ I had the rare misfortune of being one of the first people to try and implement a PL/1 compiler. -- T. Cheatham % +I had to censor everything my sons watched ... even on the Mary Tyler +Moore show I heard the word "damn"! + -- Mary Lou Bax +% +"I had to hit him -- he was starting to make sense." +% I hate babies. They're so human. -- H. H. Munro % I hate dying. -- Dave Johnson % +"I hate it when my foot falls asleep during the day cause that means +it's going to be up all night." + -- Steven Wright +% I hate mankind, for I think myself one of the best of them, and I know how bad I am. -- Samuel Johnson % +"I hate quotations." + -- Ralph Waldo Emerson +% I hate small towns because once you've seen the cannon in the park there's nothing else to do. -- Lenny Bruce @@ -17770,6 +24668,13 @@ People ask me where I live, and I say, "E6". I have a rock garden. Last week three of them died. -- Richard Diran % +I have a simple philosophy: + + Fill what's empty. + Empty what's full. + Scratch where it itches. + -- A. R. Longworth +% I have a switch in my apartment that doesn't do anything. Every once in a while I turn it on and off. On and off. On and off. One day I got a call from a woman in France who said "Cut it out!" @@ -17780,6 +24685,9 @@ I have a terrible headache, I was putting on toilet water and the lid fell. I have a theory that it's impossible to prove anything, but I can't prove it. % +"I have a very firm grasp on reality! I can reach out and strangle it +any time!" +% I have a very small mind and must live with it. -- Edsger W. Dijkstra % @@ -17806,6 +24714,10 @@ I have come up with a sure-fire concept for a hit television show, which would be called `A Live Celebrity Gets Eaten by a Shark'. -- Dave Barry % +"I have come up with a sure-fire concept for a hit television show, +which would be called `A Live Celebrity Gets Eaten by a Shark'." + -- Dave Barry, "The Wonders of Sharks on TV" +% I have defined the hundred per cent American as ninety-nine per cent an idiot. -- George Bernard Shaw @@ -17814,6 +24726,10 @@ I have discovered that all human evil comes from this, man's being unable to sit still in a room. -- Blaise Pascal % +I have discovered the art of deceiving diplomats. I tell them the truth +and they never believe me. + -- Camillo Di Cavour +% I have found it impossible to carry the heavy burden of responsibility and to discharge my duties as king as I would wish to do without the help and support of the woman I love. @@ -17834,6 +24750,9 @@ I have given two cousins to war and I stand ready to sacrifice my wife's brother. -- Artemus Ward % +I have great faith in fools -- self confidence my friends call it. + -- Edgar Allan Poe +% I have had my television aerials removed. It's the moral equivalent of a prostate operation. -- Malcolm Muggeridge @@ -17845,10 +24764,25 @@ I have just had eighteen whiskeys in a row. I do believe that is a record. -- Dylan Thomas, his last words % +"I have just read your lousy review buried in the back pages. You +sound like a frustrated old man who never made a success, an +eight-ulcer man on a four-ulcer job, and all four ulcers working. I +have never met you, but if I do you'll need a new nose and plenty of +beefsteak and perhaps a supporter below. Westbrook Pegler, a +guttersnipe, is a gentleman compared to you. You can take that as more +of an insult than as a reflection on your ancestry." + -- Harry S. Truman +% I have learned silence from the talkative, toleration from the intolerant, and kindness from the unkind. -- Kahlil Gibran % +I have learned +To spell hors d'oeuvres +Which still grates on +Some people's n'oeuvres. + -- Warren Knox +% I have lots of things in my pockets; None of them is worth anything. Sociopolitical whines aside, @@ -17857,11 +24791,23 @@ The price of half a gallon Of Gallo extra bad And most of the bus fare home. % +"I have made mistakes but I have never made the mistake of claiming +that I have never made one." + -- James Gordon Bennett +% +"I have made this letter longer than usual because I lack the time to +make it shorter." + -- Blaise Pascal +% I have more hit points that you can possible imagine. % I have more humility in my little finger than you have in your whole BODY! -- Cerebus, #82 % +I have more humility in my little finger than you have in your whole +____BODY! + -- from "Cerebus" #82 +% I have never been one to sacrifice my appetite on the altar of appearance. -- A. M. Readyhough @@ -17944,12 +24890,25 @@ be economized by the aid of machinery. I have seen the future and it is just like the present, only longer. -- Kehlog Albran % +"I have seen the future and it is just like the present, only longer." + -- Kehlog Albran, "The Profit" +% I have seen the Great Pretender and he is not what he seems. % I have that old biological urge, I have that old irresistible surge, I'm hungry. % +"I have the simplest tastes. I am always satisfied with the best." + -- Oscar Wilde +% +"I have the world's largest collection of seashells. I keep it +scattered around the beaches of the world ... Perhaps you've seen it. + -- Steven Wright +% +"I have to convince you, or at least snow you ..." + -- Prof. Romas Aleliunas, CS 435 +% I have to think hard to name an interesting man who does not drink. -- Richard Burton % @@ -17961,9 +24920,22 @@ authority that data processing is a fad and won't last out the year. editor who had recommended a manuscript on the new science of data processing), c. 1957 % +"I have two very rare photographs: one is a picture of Houdini locking +his keys in his car; the other is a rare photograph of Norman Rockwell +beating up a child." + -- Steven Wright +% I have ways of making money that you know nothing of. -- John D. Rockefeller % +I have yet to see any problem, however complicated, which, when looked +at in the right way, did not become still more complicated. + -- Poul Anderson +% +"I haven't lost my mind -- it's backed up on tape somewhere." +% +"I haven't lost my mind; I know exactly where I left it." +% I hear the sound that the machines make, and feel my heart break, just for a moment. % @@ -17999,6 +24971,8 @@ I just ate a whole package of Sweet Tarts and a can of Coke. I think I saw God. -- B. Hathrume Duk % +I just forgot my whole philosophy of life!!! +% I just got off the phone with Sonny Barger [President of the Hell's Angels]. He wants me to appear as a character witness for him at his murder trial and said he'd be glad to appear as a character witness on my behalf if I @@ -18012,6 +24986,9 @@ speed reading accident. I hit a bookmark. I just know I'm a better manager when I have Joe DiMaggio in center field. -- Casey Stengel % +"I just need enough to tide me over until I need more." + -- Bill Hoest +% "I keep seeing spots in front of my eyes." "Did you ever see a doctor?" "No, just spots." @@ -18038,13 +25015,23 @@ But don't you get square! There ain't no rule that says they got to care. They can always swear they're deaf, dumb and blind. % +I know it all. I just can't remember it all at once. +% I know not how I came into this, shall I call it a dying life or a living death? -- St. Augustine % +"I know not with what weapons World War III will be fought, but World +War IV will be fought with sticks and stones." + -- Albert Einstein +% I know on which side my bread is buttered. -- John Heywood % +"I know the answer! The answer lies within the heart of all mankind! +The answer is twelve? I think I'm in the wrong building." + -- Charles Schulz +% I know the disposition of women: when you will, they won't; when you won't, they set their hearts upon you of their own inclination. -- Publius Terentius Afer (Terence) @@ -18108,15 +25095,28 @@ I learned to play guitar just to get the girls, and anyone who says they didn't is just lyin'! -- Willie Nelson % +"I like being single. I'm always there when I need me." + -- Art Leo +% I like myself, but I won't say I'm as handsome as the bull that kidnapped Europa. -- Marcus Tullius Cicero % +I like to believe that people in the long run are going to do more to +promote peace than our governments. Indeed, I think that people want +peace so much that one of these days governments had better get out of +the way and let them have it. + -- Dwight D. Eisenhower +% +"I like work ... I can sit and watch it for hours." +% I like work; it fascinates me; I can sit and look at it for hours. % I like young girls. Their stories are shorter. -- Tom McGuane % +"I like your game but we have to change the rules." +% I live the way I type; fast, with a lot of mistakes. % I loathe people who keep dogs. They are cowards who haven't got the guts @@ -18144,9 +25144,18 @@ I love mankind ... It's people I hate. I love Mickey Mouse more than any woman I've ever known. -- Walt Disney % +"I love Saturday morning cartoons, what classic humour! This is what +entertainment is all about ... Idiots, explosives and falling anvils." + -- Calvin and Hobbes, Bill Watterson +% I love the smell of napalm in the morning. -- Robert Duval, "Apocalypse Now" % +"I love to eat them Smurfies + Smurfies what I love to eat + Bite they ugly heads off, + Nibble on they bluish feet." +% I love treason but hate a traitor. -- Gaius Julius Caesar % @@ -18165,14 +25174,37 @@ irresistible. I married beneath me. All women do. -- Lady Nancy Astor % +"I may appear to be just sitting here like a bucket of tapioca, but +don't let appearances fool you. I'm approaching old age ... at the +speed of light." + -- Prof. Cosmo Fishhawk +% I may be getting older, but I refuse to grow up! % I may kid around about drugs, but really, I take them seriously. -- Doctor Graper % +"I may not be totally perfect, but parts of me are excellent." + -- Ashleigh Brilliant +% I met a wonderful new man. He's fictional, but you can't have everything. -- Cecelia, "The Purple Rose of Cairo" % +I met him in a swamp down in Dagobah +Where it bubbles all the time like a giant cabinet soda + S-O-D-A soda +I saw the little runt sitting there on a log +I asked him his name and in a raspy voice he said Yoda + Y-O-D-A Yoda, Yo-Yo-Yo-Yo Yoda + +Well I've been around but I ain't never seen +A guy who looks like a Muppet but he's wrinkled and green + Oh my Yoda, Yo-Yo-Yo-Yo Yoda +Well I'm not dumb but I can't understand +How he can raise me in the air just by raising his hand + Oh my Yoda, Yo-Yo-Yo-Yo Yoda, Yo-Yo-Yo-Yo Yoda + -- The STAR WARS Song, to "Lola", by the Kinks +% I met my latest girl friend in a department store. She was looking at clothes, and I was putting Slinkys on the escalators. -- Steven Wright @@ -18188,6 +25220,12 @@ I will not Reason and Compare; my business is to Create. I must get out of these wet clothes and into a dry Martini. -- Alexander Woollcott % +"I must have a prodigious quantity of mind; it takes me as much as a +week sometimes to make it up." + -- Mark Twain, "The Innocents Abroad" +% +I must have slipped a disk -- my pack hurts +% I myself have dreamed up a structure intermediate between Dyson spheres and planets. Build a ring 93 million miles in radius -- one Earth orbit -- around the sun. If we have the mass of Jupiter to work with, and if @@ -18227,6 +25265,9 @@ I never expected to see the day when girls would get sunburned in the places they do today. -- Will Rogers % +"I never fail to convince an audience that the best thing they could do +was to go away." +% I never failed to convince an audience that the best thing they could do was to go away. % @@ -18246,6 +25287,8 @@ I thought I did once, but I was wrong. I never met a man I didn't want to fight. -- Lyle Alzado, professional football lineman % +"I never met a piece of chocolate I didn't like." +% I never pray before meals -- my mom's a good cook. % I never said all Democrats were saloonkeepers; @@ -18274,9 +25317,15 @@ I never take work home with me; I always leave it in some bar along the way. I never vote for anyone. I always vote against. -- W. C. Fields % +I often quote myself; it adds spice to my conversation. + -- George Bernard Shaw +% I only know what I read in the papers. -- Will Rogers % +"I only touch base with reality on an as-needed basis!" + -- Royal Floyd Mengot (Klaus) +% I opened the drawer of my little desk and a single letter fell out, a letter from my mother, written in pencil, one of her last, with unfinished words and an implicit sense of her departure. It's so curious: one can @@ -18313,6 +25362,15 @@ a group of people who have been given powerful but unfamiliar instruments as a therapy for a degenerative nerve disease. -- Dave Barry % +"I played lead guitar in a band called The Federal Duck, which is the +kind of name that was popular in the '60s as a result of controlled +substances being in widespread use. Back then, there were no +restrictions, in terms of talent, on who could make an album, so we +made one, and it sounds like a group of people who have been given +powerful but unfamiliar instruments as a therapy for a degenerative +nerve disease." + -- Dave Barry, "The Snake" +% I pledge allegiance to the flag of the United States of America and to the republic for which it stands, @@ -18325,6 +25383,8 @@ and justice for all. I poured spot remover on my dog. Now he's gone. -- Steven Wright % +I predict that today will be remembered until tomorrow! +% I prefer rogues to imbeciles because they sometimes take a rest. -- Alexandre Dumas the Younger % @@ -18334,6 +25394,10 @@ I prefer the most unjust peace to the most righteous war. Even peace may be purchased at too high a price. -- Poor Richard % +"I profoundly believe it takes a lot of practice to become a moral +slob." + -- William F. Buckley +% I put contact lenses in my dog's eyes. They had little pictures of cats on them. Then I took one out and he ran around in circles. -- Stephen Wright @@ -18373,9 +25437,28 @@ To see the sights I'm never going to visit. I read the newspaper avidly. It is my one form of continuous fiction. -- Aneurin Bevan % +I realize that the MX missile is none of our concern. I realize that +the whole point of living in a democracy is that we pay professional +congresspersons to concern themselves with things like the MX missile +so we can be free to concern ourselves with getting hold of the +plumber. + +But from time to time, I feel I must address major public issues such +as this, because in a free and open society, where the very future of +the world hinges on decisions made by our elected leaders, you never +win large cash journalism awards if you stick to the topics I usually +write about, such as nose-picking. + -- Dave Barry, "At Last, the Ultimate Deterrent Against + Political Fallout" +% I really had to act; 'cause I didn't have any lines. -- Marilyn Chambers % +I really hate this damned machine +I wish that they would sell it. +It never does quite what I want +But only what I tell it. +% I really look with commiseration over the great body of my fellow citizens who, reading newspapers, live and die in the belief that they have known something of what has been passing in the world in their time. @@ -18397,6 +25480,8 @@ I refuse to consign the whole male sex to the nursery. I insist on believing that some men are my equals. -- Brigid Brophy % +"I refuse to have a battle of wits with an unarmed person." +% I remember once being on a station platform in Cleveland at four in the morning. A black porter was carrying my bags, and as we were waiting for the train to come in, he said to me: "Excuse me, Mr. Cooke, I don't want to @@ -18471,11 +25556,50 @@ It's bound to take your life. There's a bad moon on the rise. -- J. C. Fogerty, "Bad Moon Rising" % +I see a good deal of talk from Washington about lowering taxes. I hope +they do get 'em lowered enough so people can afford to pay 'em. + -- Will Rogers +% +I see the eigenvalue in thine eye, +I hear the tender tensor in thy sigh. +Bernoulli would have been content to die +Had he but known such _a-squared cos 2(phi)! + -- Stanislaw Lem, "Cyberiad" +% I see where we are starting to pay some attention to our neighbors to the south. We could never understand why Mexico wasn't just crazy about us; for we have always had their good will, and oil and minerals, at heart. -- The Best of Will Rogers % +I sent a letter to the fish, +I told them, "This is what I wish." +The little fishes of the sea, +They sent an answer back to me. +The little fishes' answer was +"We cannot do it, sir, because ..." +I sent a letter back to say +It would be better to obey. +But someone came to me and said +"The little fishes are in bed." +I said to him, and I said it plain +"Then you must wake them up again." +I said it very loud and clear, +I went and shouted in his ear. +But he was very stiff and proud, +He said "You needn't shout so loud." +And he was very proud and stiff, +He said "I'll go and wake them if ..." +I took a kettle from the shelf, +I went to wake them up myself. +But when I found the door was locked +I pulled and pushed and kicked and knocked, +And when I found the door was shut, +I tried to turn the handle, But ... + + "Is that all?" asked Alice. + "That is all." said Humpty Dumpty. "Goodbye." + -- Lewis Carroll, "Through the Looking Glass" +% I sent a message to another time, But as the days unwind -- this I just can't believe, I sent a message to another plane, @@ -18516,6 +25640,9 @@ There's so much pollution in the air now that if it weren't for our lungs there'd be no place to put it all. -- Robert Orben % +I shot an arrow into the air, and it stuck. + -- Graffito in Los Angeles +% I should have been a country-western singer. After all, I'm older than most western countries. -- George Burns @@ -18533,6 +25660,10 @@ ability. I spilled spot remover on my dog. Now he's gone. -- Stephen Wright % +"I stayed up all night playing poker with tarot cards. I got a full +house and four people died." + -- Steven Wright +% I steal. -- Sam Giancana, explaining his livelihood to his draft board @@ -18550,9 +25681,20 @@ Go on and give it a try, Why prolong the agony, all men must die. -- Roger Waters, "The Pros and Cons of Hitchhiking" % +"I stopped believing in Santa Claus when I was six. Mother took me to +see him in a department store and he asked for my autograph." + -- Shirley Temple +% I suggest a new strategy, R2: let the Wookiee win. -- C-3PO % +I suggest you locate your hot tub outside your house, so it won't do +too much damage if it catches fire or explodes. First you decide which +direction your hot tub should face for maximum solar energy. After +much trial and error, I have found that the best direction for a hot +tub to face is up. + -- Dave Barry, "The Taming of the Screw" +% I suppose I could collect my books and get on back to school, Or steal my daddy's cue and make a living out of playing pool, Or find myself a rock 'n' roll band, @@ -18675,13 +25817,26 @@ I think I'll snatch a kiss and flee. I think I'm schizophrenic. One half of me's paranoid and the other half's out to get him. % +"I think it is true for all _n. I was just playing it safe with _n >= 3 +because I couldn't remember the proof." + -- Baker, Pure Math 351a +% I THINK MAN INVENTED THE CAR by instinct. -- Jack Handey, "The New Mexican", 1988. % +"I think sex is better than logic, but I can't prove it." +% I think she must have been very strictly brought up, she's so desperately anxious to do the wrong thing correctly. -- H. H. Munro, a.k.a. Saki, "Reginald on Worries" % +I think that all good, right thinking people in this country are sick +and tired of being told that all good, right thinking people in this +country are fed up with being told that all good, right thinking people +in this country are fed up with being sick and tired. I'm certainly +not, and I'm sick and tired of being told that I am. + -- Monty Python +% I think that God in creating man somewhat overestimated his ability. -- Oscar Wilde % @@ -18694,6 +25849,32 @@ Until my mem'ry melts away. Poems are made by fools, I fear But only Schlitz can make a beer. % +I think that I shall never see +A billboard lovely as a tree. +Perhaps, unless the billboards fall +I'll never see a tree at all. + -- Ogden Nash +% +I think that I shall never see +A thing as lovely as a tree. +But as you see the trees have gone +They went this morning with the dawn. +A logging firm from out of town +Came and chopped the trees all down. +But I will trick those dirty skunks +And write a brand new poem called "Trunks". +% +"I think the sky is blue because it's a shift from black through purple +to blue, and it has to do with where the light is. You know, the +farther we get into darkness, and there's a shifting of color of light +into the blueness, and I think as you go farther and farther away from +the reflected light we have from the sun or the light that's bouncing +off this earth, uh, the darker it gets ... I think if you look at the +color scale, you start at black, move it through purple, move it on +out, it's the shifting of color. We mentioned before about the stars +singing, and that's one of the effects of the shifting of colors." + -- Pat Robertson, The 700 Club +% I think the world is ready for the story of an ugly duckling, who grew up to remain an ugly duckling, and lived happily ever after. -- Chick @@ -18701,6 +25882,10 @@ remain an ugly duckling, and lived happily ever after. I think the world is run by C students. -- Al McGuire % +I think the world would be a more peaceful place if people +could just keep their fingers out of the fortune files. + -- Jordan K. Hubbard +% I THINK THERE SHOULD BE SOMETHING in science called the "reindeer effect." I don't know what it would be, but I think it'd be good to hear someone say, "Gentlemen, what we have here is a terrifying example of the reindeer @@ -18719,6 +25904,17 @@ paneling. I think we are in Rats Alley where the dead men lost their bones. -- T. S. Eliot % +I think we can all agree that there is not enough common courtesy shown +... HEY! PAY ATTENTION WHEN I'M TALKING TO YOU DAMMIT! I said I think +we can all agree that there is not enough common courtesy shown today. +When we take the time to be courteous to each other, we find that we +are happier and less likely to engage in nuclear war. This point was +driven home by the recent summit talks, where Nancy Reagan and Raisa +Gorbachev, each of whose husband thinks the other's husband is vermin, +were able to sit down at a high-level tea and engage in courteous +conversation ... + -- Dave Barry, "The Stuff of Etiquette" +% I think we're all Bozos on this bus. -- Firesign Theatre % @@ -18758,10 +25954,17 @@ working for scale. % I thought YOU silenced the guard! % +"I thought you were trying to get into shape." +"I am. The shape I've selected is a triangle." +% I told my kids, "Someday, you'll have kids of your own." One of them said, "So will you." -- Rodney Dangerfield % +I took a course in speed reading and was able to read War and Peace in +twenty minutes. It's about Russia. + -- Woody Allen +% I took a course in speed reading, learning to read straight down the middle of the page, and I was able to go through "War and Peace" in twenty minutes. It's about Russia. @@ -18815,6 +26018,8 @@ I go to my analyst and we work it out. You have no idea how much better I feel these days. -- J. Feiffer % +I used to be an agnostic, but now I'm not so sure. +% I used to be disgusted, now I find I'm just amused. -- Elvis Costello % @@ -18840,6 +26045,8 @@ And punched me in the nose, he said, He said "You're sick, you're obscene". -- Alice Cooper, "No More Mr. Nice Guy" % +"I used to get high on life but lately I've built up a resistance." +% I used to have a drinking problem. Now I love the stuff. % @@ -18861,16 +26068,38 @@ I used to think I was a child; now I think I am an adult -- not because I no longer do childish things, but because those I call adults are no more mature than I am. % +"I used to think I was indecisive, but now I'm not so sure." +% I used to think romantic love was a neurosis shared by two, a supreme foolishness. I no longer thought that. There's nothing foolish in loving anyone. Thinking you'll be loved in return is what's foolish. -- Rita Mae Brown % +"I used to think that the brain was the most wonderful organ in my +body. Then I realized who was telling me this." + -- Emo Phillips +% +I used to work in a fire hydrant factory. You couldn't park anywhere +near the place. + -- Steven Wright +% +I value kindness to human beings first of all, and kindness to +animals. I don't respect the law; I have a total irreverence for +anything connected with society except that which makes the roads +safer, the beer stronger, the food cheaper, and old men and women +warmer in the winter, and happier in the summer. + -- Brendan Behan +% I waited and waited and when no message came I knew it must be from you. % I want to be the white man's brother, not his brother-in-law. -- Martin Luther King, Jr. % +"I want to buy a husband who, every week when I sit down to watch `St. +Elsewhere', won't scream, `FORGET IT, BLANCHE ... IT'S TIME FOR "HEE +HAW"!!'" + -- Berke Breathed, "Bloom County" +% I want to buy a husband who, every week when I sit down to watch "St. Elsewhere", won't scream, "Forget it, Blanche... It's time for Hee-Haw!" % @@ -18895,12 +26124,25 @@ I was at this restaurant. The sign said "Breakfast Anytime." So I ordered French Toast in the Renaissance. -- Steven Wright % +I was born because it was a habit in those days, people didn't know +anything else ... I was not a Child Prodigy, because a Child Prodigy is +a child who knows as much when it is a child as it does when it grows +up. + -- Will Rogers +% I was born in a barrel of butcher knives Trouble I love and peace I despise Wild horses kicked me in my side Then a rattlesnake bit me and he walked off and died. -- Bo Diddley % +"I was drunk last night, crawled home across the lawn. By accident I +put the car key in the door lock. The house started up. So I figured +what the hell, and drove it around the block a few times. I thought I +should go park it in the middle of the freeway and yell at everyone to +get off my driveway." + -- Steven Wright +% I was eatin' some chop suey, With a lady in St. Louie, When there sudden comes a knockin' at the door. @@ -18909,6 +26151,10 @@ Roll this rocker out some money, Or your daddy shoots a baddie to the floor." -- Mr. Miggle % +"I was gratified to be able to answer promptly, and I did. I said I +didn't know." + -- Mark Twain +% I was in a bar and I walked up to a beautiful woman and said, "Do you live around here often?" She said, "You're wearing two different-color socks." I said, "Yes, but to me they're the same because I go by thickness." @@ -18949,6 +26195,15 @@ was on the lam at the time and not able to work at my regular line. But I wouldn't consider it. "I'm a thief," I said. "I'm no lousy hoodlum." -- Alvin Karpis, "Public Enemy Number One" % +I was part of that strange race of people aptly described as spending +their lives doing things they detest to make money they don't want to +buy things they don't need to impress people they dislike. + -- Emile Henry Gauvreay +% +"I was playing poker the other night ... with Tarot cards. I got a full +house and four people died." + -- Steven Wright +% I was the best I ever had. -- Woody Allen % @@ -18978,11 +26233,28 @@ Send lawyers, guns, and money, Dad, get me out of this. -- Warren Zevon, "Lawyers, Guns and Money" % +"I went into a general store, and they wouldn't sell me anything +specific". + -- Steven Wright +% I went into the business for the money, and the art grew out of it. If people are disillusioned by that remark, I can't help it. It's the truth. -- Charlie Chaplin % +I went on to test the program in every way I could devise. I strained +it to expose its weaknesses. I ran it for high-mass stars and low-mass +stars, for stars born exceedingly hot and those born relatively cold. +I ran it assuming the superfluid currents beneath the crust to be +absent -- not because I wanted to know the answer, but because I had +developed an intuitive feel for the answer in this particular case. +Finally I got a run in which the computer showed the pulsar's +temperature to be less than absolute zero. I had found an error. I +chased down the error and fixed it. Now I had improved the program to +the point where it would not run at all. + -- George Greenstein, "Frozen Star: Of Pulsars, Black + Holes and the Fate of Stars" +% I went over to my friend, he was eatin' a pickle. I said "Hi, what's happenin'?" He said "Nothin'." @@ -18994,6 +26266,14 @@ I went to a Grateful Dead Concert and they played for SEVEN hours. Great song. -- Fred Reuss % +"I went to a job interview the other day, the guy asked me if I had any +questions, I said yes, just one, if you're in a car traveling at the +speed of light and you turn your headlights on, does anything happen? + +He said he couldn't answer that, I told him sorry, but I couldn't work +for him then. + -- Steven Wright +% I went to a place to eat. It said `BREAKFAST ANYTIME.' So I ordered French toast during the Renaissance. -- Stephen Wright @@ -19018,6 +26298,18 @@ I asked for and obtained her blessing and at once commenced the career of a robber. -- Tiburcio Vasquez % +"I went to the hardware store and bought some used paint. It was in +the shape of a house. I also bought some batteries, but they weren't +included." + -- Steven Wright +% +"I went to the museum where they had all the heads and arms from the +statues that are in all the other museums." + -- Steven Wright +% +I went to the race track once and bet on a horse that was so good that +it took seven others to beat him! +% I will always love the false image I had of you. % I will follow the good side right to the fire, @@ -19078,6 +26370,10 @@ I wish there was a knob on the TV to turn up the intelligence. There's a knob called "brightness", but it doesn't seem to work. -- Gallagher % +"I wish there was a knob on the TV to turn up the intelligence. +There's a knob called `brightness', but it doesn't work." + -- Gallagher +% I wish there was a knob on the TV where you could turn up the intelligence. They've got one called brightness, but it doesn't seem to work. @@ -19176,6 +26472,10 @@ I wouldn't be so paranoid if you weren't all out to get me!! % I wouldn't marry her with a ten foot pole. % +"I wouldn't recommend sex, drugs or insanity for everyone, but they've +always worked for me." + -- Hunter S. Thompson +% I wrecked trains because I like to see people die. I like to hear them scream. -- Sylvestre Matuschka, "the Hungarian Train Wreck Freak", @@ -19219,6 +26519,11 @@ IBM Advanced Systems Group -- a bunch of mindless jerks, who'll be first against the wall when the revolution comes... -- with regrets to Douglas Adams % +IBM had a PL/I, + Its syntax worse than JOSS; +And everywhere this language went, + It was a total loss. +% IBM: It may be slow, but it's hard to use. % IBM Pollyanna Principle: @@ -19232,6 +26537,8 @@ I'd be a poorer man if I'd never seen an eagle fly. [I saw an eagle fly once. Fortunately, I had my eagle fly swatter handy. Ed.] % +"I'd give my right arm to be ambidextrous." +% I'd horsewhip you if I had a horse. -- Groucho Marx % @@ -19249,6 +26556,52 @@ I'd like to see the government get out of war altogether and leave the whole field to private industry. -- Joseph Heller % +"I'd love to go out with you, but I did my own thing and now I've got +to undo it." +% +"I'd love to go out with you, but I have to floss my cat." +% +"I'd love to go out with you, but I have to stay home and see if I +snore." +% +"I'd love to go out with you, but I never go out on days that end in +`Y.'" +% +"I'd love to go out with you, but I want to spend more time with my +blender." +% +"I'd love to go out with you, but I'm attending the opening of my +garage door." +% +"I'd love to go out with you, but I'm converting my calendar watch from +Julian to Gregorian." +% +"I'd love to go out with you, but I'm doing door-to-door collecting for +static cling." +% +"I'd love to go out with you, but I'm having all my plants neutered." +% +"I'd love to go out with you, but I'm staying home to work on my +cottage cheese sculpture." +% +"I'd love to go out with you, but I'm taking punk totem pole carving." +% +"I'd love to go out with you, but it's my parakeet's bowling night." +% +"I'd love to go out with you, but I've been scheduled for a karma +transplant." +% +"I'd love to go out with you, but my favorite commercial is on TV." +% +"I'd love to go out with you, but the last time I went out, I never +came back." +% +"I'd love to go out with you, but the man on television told me to stay +tuned." +% +"I'd love to go out with you, but there are important world issues that +need worrying about." +% I'd love to kiss you, but I just washed my hair. -- Bette Davis, "Cabin in the Cotton" % @@ -19271,6 +26624,8 @@ Couldn't be any worse than some of the relationships I've had. % I'd rather be led to hell than managed to heaven. % +"I'd rather have a bottle in front of me than a frontal lobotomy." +% I'd rather have a free bottle in front of me than a prefrontal lobotomy. -- Fred Allen @@ -19288,6 +26643,12 @@ The sinners are much more fun! % I'd rather push my Harley than ride a rice burner. % +Idaho state law makes it illegal for a man to give his sweetheart a box +of candy weighing less than fifty pounds. +% +Ideas don't stay in some minds very long because they don't like +solitary confinement. +% Identify your visitor. % idiot box, n: @@ -19295,32 +26656,72 @@ idiot box, n: the stamp when they can't quite figure it out for themselves. -- Rich Hall & Friends, "Sniglets" % +Idiot Box, n.: + The part of the envelope that tells a person where to place the +stamp when they can't quite figure it out for themselves. + -- Rich Hall, "Sniglets" +% idiot, n: A member of a large and powerful tribe whose influence in human affairs has always been dominant and controlling. % +Idiot, n.: + A member of a large and powerful tribe whose influence in human +affairs has always been dominant and controlling. + -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary" +% IDLENESS: Leisure gone to seed. % Idleness is the holiday of fools. % +If A = B and B = C, then A = C, except where void or prohibited by law. + -- Roy Santoro +% +If a 6600 used paper tape instead of core memory, it would use up tape +at about 30 miles/second. + -- Grishman, Assembly Language Programming +% +"If a camel flies, no one laughs if it doesn't get very far." + -- Paul White +% +If a camel is a horse designed by a committee, then a consensus +forecast is a camel's behind. + -- Edgar R. Fiedler +% If a can of Alpo costs 38 cents, would it cost $2.50 in Dog Dollars? % If a child annoys you, quiet him by brushing their hair. If this doesn't work, use the other side of the brush on the other end of the child. % +If A equals success, then the formula is _A = _X + _Y + _Z. _X is work. _Y +is play. _Z is keep your mouth shut. + -- Albert Einstein +% If A fool persists in his folly he shall become wise. -- William Blake % +If a group of _N persons implements a COBOL compiler, there will be _N-1 +passes. Someone in the group has to be the manager. + -- T. Cheatham +% If a guru falls in the forest with no one to hear him, was he really a guru at all? -- Strange de Jim, "The Metasexuals" % +If a jury in a criminal trial stays out for more than twenty-four +hours, it is certain to vote acquittal, save in those instances where +it votes guilty. + -- Joseph C. Goulden +% IF A KID ASKS YOU where rain comes from, I think a cute thing to tell him is, "God is crying." And if he asks why God is crying, another cute thing to tell him is, "Probably because of something you did." -- Jack Handey, "The New Mexican", 1988. % +If a listener nods his head when you're explaining your program, wake +him up. +% If a man has a strong faith he can indulge in the luxury of skepticism. -- Friedrich Nietzsche % @@ -19353,6 +26754,14 @@ and (c) gets better, then no power of reasoning known to medical science can convince him that it may not have been the treatment that restored his health. -- Sir Peter Medawar, "The Art of the Soluble" % +If a President doesn't do it to his wife, he'll do it to his country. +% +If a putt passes over the hole without dropping, it is deemed to have +dropped. The law of gravity holds that any object attempting to +maintain a position in the atmosphere without something to support it +must drop. The law of gravity supersedes the law of golf. + -- Donald A. Metz +% If a shameless woman expects to be defiled and then dies of her fierce love because you do not consent, will chastity also be homicide? -- Saint Augustine @@ -19385,6 +26794,13 @@ that users can hear its key clicks and biff beeps, they are content to die of old age without ever having gone to see it. % +"If a team is in a positive frame of mind, it will have a good +attitude. If it has a good attitude, it will make a commitment to +playing the game right. If it plays the game right, it will win -- +unless, of course, it doesn't have enough talent to win, and no manager +can make goose-liver pate out of goose feathers, so why worry?" + -- Sparky Anderson +% If a thing's worth doing, it is worth doing badly. -- G. K. Chesterton % @@ -19398,10 +26814,24 @@ to get a "fix" of something, to its own detriment, then I would conclude that netnews is far more addictive than cocaine. -- Rob Stampfli % +If all be true that I do think, +There be five reasons why one should drink; +Good friends, good wine, or being dry, +Or lest we should be by-and-by, +Or any other reason why. +% +If all else fails, immortality can always be assured by spectacular +error. + -- John Kenneth Galbraith +% If all else fails, lower your standards. % If all men were brothers, would you let one marry your sister? % +If all the Chinese simultaneously jumped into the Pacific off a 10 foot +platform erected 10 feet off their coast, it would cause a tidal wave +that would destroy everything in this country west of Nebraska. +% If all the girls who attended the Yale prom were laid end to end -- I wouldn't be a bit surprised. -- Dorothy Parker @@ -19414,6 +26844,13 @@ These would not suffice To write down all the red tape Of this Government. % +If all the world's a stage, I want to operate the trap door. + -- Paul Beatty +% +If all the world's economists were laid end to end, we wouldn't reach a +conclusion. + -- William Baumol +% If an average person on the subway turns to you, like an ancient mariner, and starts telling you her tale, you turn away or nod and hope she stops, not just because you fear she might be crazy. If she tells her tale on @@ -19426,6 +26863,16 @@ have so many known so much about people for whom they cared so little. % If an experiment works, something has gone wrong. % +If an S and an I and an O and a U +With an X at the end spell Su; +And an E and a Y and an E spell I, +Pray what is a speller to do? +Then, if also an S and an I and a G +And an HED spell side, +There's nothing much left for a speller to do +But to go commit siouxeyesighed. + -- Charles Follen Adams, "An Orthographic Lament" +% If any demonstrator ever lays down in front of my car, it'll be the last car he ever lays down in front of. -- George Wallace @@ -19439,12 +26886,18 @@ We're offering a substantial reward. He's a sable collie, with three legs, blind in his left eye, is missing part of his right ear and the tip of his tail. He's been recently fixed. Answers to "Lucky". % +If anything can go wrong, it will. +% If at first you do succeed, try to hide your astonishment. % If at first you don't succeed, destroy all evidence that you tried. % +If at first you don't succeed, give up, no use being a damn fool. +% If at first you don't succeed, quit; don't be a nut about success. % +If at first you don't succeed, redefine success. +% If at first you don't succeed, try, try again. -- W. E. Hickson % @@ -19471,6 +26924,9 @@ I have no doubt, and I think few people doubt, that atheists are as plentiful as blackberries. -- Leslie Stephen % +If bankers can count, how come they have eight windows and only four +tellers? +% If Beethoven's Seventh Symphony is not by some means abridged, it will soon fall into disuse. -- Philip Hale, Boston music critic, 1837 @@ -19497,12 +26953,16 @@ If computers take over (which seems to be their natural tendency), it will serve us right. -- Alistair Cooke % +If dolphins are so smart, why did Flipper work for television? +% If England treats her criminals the way she has treated me, she doesn't deserve to have any. -- Oscar Wilde, reportedly while standing handcuffed in a driving rain, waiting for transport to prison upon his conviction for sodomy. % +If entropy is increasing, where is it coming from? +% If ever the pleasure of one has to be bought by the pain of the other, there better be no trade. A trade by which one gains and the other loses is a fraud. @@ -19517,6 +26977,12 @@ If every kid had a funny tooth to bite down on whenever the world disappointed him, prussic acid could solve our population problems in one generation. -- G. C. Edmonson's Albert, "The Man Who Corrupted Earth" % +If everybody minded their own business, the world would go +around a deal faster. + -- The Duchess, "Through the Looking Glass" +% +If everything is coming your way then you're in the wrong lane. +% If everything on the road of life seems to be coming your way, you're in the wrong lane. % @@ -19539,13 +27005,34 @@ can be an exception to the rule that for every rule there is an exception. If God did not exist, it would be necessary to invent him. -- Voltaire, "Epitres, XCVI" % +If God didn't mean for us to juggle, tennis balls wouldn't come three +to a can. +% If God had a beard, he'd be a UNIX programmer. % If God had intended Man to program, we'd be born with serial I/O ports. % +If God had intended Man to Smoke, He would have set him on Fire. +% If God had intended man to use the metric system, Jesus would have only had ten disciples. % +If God had intended Man to Walk, He would have given him Feet. +% +If God had intended Man to Watch TV, He would have given him Rabbit +Ears. +% +If God had intended Men to Smoke, He would have put Chimneys in their +Heads. +% +If God had meant for us to be in the Army, we would have been born with +green, baggy skin. +% +If God had meant for us to be naked, we would have been born that way. +% +If God had not given us sticky tape, it would have been necessary to +invent it. +% If God had really intended men to fly, he'd make it easier to get to the airport. -- George Winters @@ -19557,12 +27044,25 @@ have made them cute and furry. If God had wanted us to use the metric system, Jesus would have had only ten apostles. % +If God had wanted you to go around nude, He would have given you bigger +hands. +% If God hadn't wanted you to be paranoid, He wouldn't have given you such a vivid imagination. % +If God is dead, who will save the Queen? +% If God is One, what is bad? -- Charles Manson % +If God is perfect, why did He create discontinuous functions? +% +"If God lived on Earth, people would knock out all His windows." + -- Yiddish saying +% +If God wanted us to be brave, why did he give us legs? + -- Marvin Kitman +% If God wanted us to have a President, He would have sent us a candidate. -- Jerry Dreshfield @@ -19584,9 +27084,15 @@ think which principles of computation shall be most appropriate. If he should ever change his faith, it'll be because he no longer thinks he's God. % +"If I am elected, the concrete barriers around the WHITE HOUSE will be +replaced by tasteful foam replicas of ANN MARGARET!" +% If I cannot bend Heaven, I shall move Hell. -- Publius Vergilius Maro (Virgil) % +If I could drop dead right now, I'd be the happiest man alive! + -- Samuel Goldwyn +% If I could read your mind, love, What a tale your thoughts could tell, Just like a paperback novel, @@ -19622,6 +27128,18 @@ Would it help to ease the pain? Ease your brain? -- Rolling Stones, "It's Only Rock'N Roll" % +If I don't drive around the park, +I'm pretty sure to make my mark. +If I'm in bed each night by ten, +I may get back my looks again. +If I abstain from fun and such, +I'll probably amount to much; +But I shall stay the way I am, +Because I do not give a damn. + -- Dorothy Parker +% +If I don't see you in the future, I'll see you in the pasture. +% If I had a formula for bypassing trouble, I would not pass it around. Trouble creates a capacity to handle it. I don't say embrace trouble; that's as bad as treating it as an enemy. But I do say meet it as a friend, for @@ -19634,6 +27152,13 @@ IF I HAD A MINE SHAFT, I don't think I would just abandon it. There's got to be a better way. -- Jack Handey, "The New Mexican", 1988. % +If I had a plantation in Georgia and a home in Hell, I'd sell the +plantation and go home. + -- Eugene P. Gallagher +% +If I had any humility I would be perfect. + -- Ted Turner +% If I had done everything I'm credited with, I'd be speaking to you from a laboratory jar at Harvard. -- Frank Sinatra @@ -19658,6 +27183,9 @@ earlier in the spring and stay that way later in the fall. I would play hooky more. I probably wouldn't make such good grades, but I'd learn more. I would ride on more merry-go-rounds. I'd pick more daisies. % +If I had only known, I would have been a locksmith. + -- Albert Einstein +% If I had to live my life again, I'd make the same mistakes, only sooner. -- Tallulah Bankhead % @@ -19687,9 +27215,35 @@ this is the case, then programmers stand on one another's toes, and software engineers dig each other's graves. -- Unknown % +If I have seen farther than others, it is because I was standing on the +shoulders of giants. + -- Isaac Newton + +In the sciences, we are now uniquely privileged to sit side by side +with the giants on whose shoulders we stand. + -- Gerald Holton + +If I have not seen as far as others, it is because giants were standing +on my shoulders. + -- Hal Abelson + +In computer science, we stand on each other's feet. + -- Brian K. Reid +% If I have to lay an egg for my country, I'll do it. -- Bob Hope % +If I kiss you, that is a psychological interaction. + +On the other hand, if I hit you over the head with a brick, that is +also a psychological interaction. + +The difference is that one is friendly and the other is not so +friendly. + +The crucial point is if you can tell which is which. + -- Dolph Sharp, "I'm O.K., You're Not So Hot" +% If I knew what brand [of whiskey] he drinks, I would send a barrel or so to my other generals. -- Abraham Lincoln, on General Grant @@ -19710,6 +27264,12 @@ I'm an engineer working on something. % If I told you you had a beautiful body, would you hold it against me? % +If I traveled to the end of the rainbow +As Dame Fortune did intend, +Murphy would be there to tell me +The pot's at the other end. + -- Bert Whitney +% If I want your opinion, I'll ask you to fill out the necessary form. % If I were a grave-digger or even a hangman, there are some people I could @@ -19724,6 +27284,8 @@ If I'd known computer science was going to be like this, I'd never have given up being a rock 'n' roll star. -- G. Hirst % +If ignorance is bliss, why aren't there more happy people? +% If I'm over the hill, why is it I don't recall ever being on top? -- Jerry Muscha % @@ -19783,12 +27345,19 @@ If it doesn't work, it's physics. % If it's not in the computer, it doesn't exist. % +If it's Tuesday, this must be someone else's fortune. +% If it's worth doing, do it for money. % If it's worth doing, it's worth doing for money. % If it's worth hacking on well, it's worth hacking on for money. % +If Jesus Christ were to come today, people would not even crucify him. +They would ask him to dinner, and hear what he had to say, and make fun +of it. + -- Thomas Carlyle +% If just one piece of mail gets lost, well, they'll just think they forgot to send it. But if *two* pieces of mail get lost, hell, they'll just think the other guy hasn't gotten around to answering his mail. And if *fifty* pieces @@ -19798,17 +27367,36 @@ they'll just *know* that uunet is down and think it's a conspiracy to keep them from their God given right to receive Net Mail ... -- Leith (Casey) Leedom, apologies to Arlo Guthrie % +"If just one piece of mail gets lost, well, they'll just think they +forgot to send it. But if *two* pieces of mail get lost, hell, they'll +just think the other guy hasn't gotten around to answering his mail. +And if *fifty* pieces of mail get lost, can you imagine it, if *fifty* +pieces of mail get lost, why they'll think someone *else* is broken! +And if 1Gb of mail gets lost, they'll just *know* that Arpa is down and +think it's a conspiracy to keep them from their God given right to +receive Net Mail ..." + -- Leith (Casey) Leedom +% If Karl, instead of writing a lot about Capital, had made a lot of Capital, it would have been much better. -- Karl Marx's Mother % If life gives you lemons, make lemonade. % +If life is a stage, I want some better lighting. +% If life is merely a joke, the question still remains: for whose amusement? % If life isn't what you wanted, have you asked for anything else? % +If little else, the brain is an educational toy. + -- Tom Robbins +% +If little green men land in your back yard, hide any little green women +you've got in the house. + -- Mike Harding, "The Armchair Anarchist's Almanac" +% If love is the answer, could you rephrase the question? -- Lily Tomlin % @@ -19823,6 +27411,9 @@ If Machiavelli were a programmer, he'd have worked for AT&T. If man is only a little lower than the angels, the angels should reform. -- Mary Wilson Little % +If mathematically you end up with the wrong answer, try multiplying by +the page number. +% If men acted after marriage as they do during courtship, there would be fewer divorces -- and more bankruptcies. -- Frances Rodman @@ -19841,10 +27432,17 @@ If you try to cut wood like a master carpenter, you will only hurt your hand. -- Tao Te Ching, "Lao Tsu, #74" % +If money can't buy happiness, I guess you'll just have to rent it. +% If more of us valued food and cheer and song above hoarded gold, it would be a merrier world. -- J. R. R. Tolkien % +"If once a man indulges himself in murder, very soon he comes to think +little of robbing; and from robbing he next comes to drinking and +Sabbath-breaking, and from that to incivility and procrastination." + -- Thomas De Quincey (1785-1859) +% If one cannot enjoy reading a book over and over again, there is no use in reading it at all. -- Oscar Wilde @@ -19859,6 +27457,9 @@ connection of State and Church were permitted, some rival denomination would get an unfair advantage. -- John Dewey, "Democracy in the Schools", 1908 % +If one studies too zealously, one easily loses his pants. + -- Albert Einstein +% If one tells the truth, one is sure, sooner or later, to be found out. -- Oscar Wilde, "Phrases and Philosophies for the Use of the Young" @@ -19866,6 +27467,15 @@ If one tells the truth, one is sure, sooner or later, to be found out. If only Dionysus were alive! Where would he eat? -- Woody Allen % +If only God would give me some clear sign! Like making a large deposit +in my name at a Swiss bank. + -- Woody Allen, "Without Feathers" +% +If only I could be respected without having to be respectable. +% +If only one could get that wonderful feeling of accomplishment without +having to accomplish anything. +% If only you could be respected without having to be respectable. % If only you had a personality instead of an attitude. @@ -19878,6 +27488,9 @@ If opportunity came disguised as temptation, one knock would be enough. If parents would only realize how they bore their children. -- George Bernard Shaw % +If Patrick Henry thought that taxation without representation was bad, +he should see how bad it is with representation. +% If people are good only because they fear punishment, and hope for reward, then we are a sorry lot indeed. -- Albert Einstein @@ -19907,6 +27520,15 @@ they'll never hurt you, nine times out of ten! % If practice makes perfect, and nobody's perfect, why practice? % +If preceded by a '-' , the timezone shall be east of the Prime +Meridian; otherwise, it shall be west (which may be indicated by +an optional preceding '+' ). + -- POSIX 2001 + +The "+" or "-" indicates whether the time-of-day is ahead of +(i.e., east of) or behind (i.e., west of) Universal Time. + -- RFC 2822 +% If pregnancy were a book they would cut the last two chapters. -- Nora Ephron, "Heartburn" % @@ -19940,6 +27562,12 @@ pool cues, who would win? If sarcasm were posted on Usenet, would anybody notice? -- James Nicoll % +If scientific reasoning were limited to the logical processes of +arithmetic, we should not get very far in our understanding of the +physical world. One might as well attempt to grasp the game of poker +entirely by the use of the mathematics of probability. + -- Vannevar Bush +% If sex is such a natural phenomenon, how come there are so many books on how to? -- Bette Midler @@ -19958,6 +27586,10 @@ If society fits you comfortably enough, you call it freedom. If some people didn't tell you, you'd never know they'd been away on vacation. % +If someone had told me I would be Pope one day, I would have studied +harder. + -- Pope John Paul I +% If someone says he will do something "without fail", he won't. % If something has not yet gone wrong then it would @@ -19966,6 +27598,13 @@ ultimately have been beneficial for it to go wrong. If swimming is so good for your figure, how come whales look the way they do? % +"If that makes any sense to you, you have a big problem." + -- C. Durance, Computer Science 234 +% +If the aborigine drafted an IQ test, all of Western civilization would +presumably flunk it. + -- Stanley Garn +% If the American dream is for Americans only, it will remain our dream and never be our destiny. -- Rene de Visme Williamson @@ -19979,6 +27618,24 @@ If the church put in half the time on covetousness that it does on lust, this would be a better world. -- Garrison Keillor, "Lake Wobegon Days" % +If the code and the comments disagree, then both are probably wrong. + -- Norm Schryer +% +If the colleges were better, if they really had it, you would need to +get the police at the gates to keep order in the inrushing multitude. +See in college how we thwart the natural love of learning by leaving +the natural method of teaching what each wishes to learn, and insisting +that you shall learn what you have no taste or capacity for. The +college, which should be a place of delightful labor, is made odious +and unhealthy, and the young men are tempted to frivolous amusements to +rally their jaded spirits. I would have the studies elective. +Scholarship is to be created not by compulsion, but by awakening a pure +interest in knowledge. The wise instructor accomplishes this by +opening to his pupils precisely the attractions the study has for +himself. The marking is a system for schools, not for the college; for +boys, not for men; and it is an ungracious work to put on a professor. + -- Ralph Waldo Emerson +% If the designers of X-window built cars, there would be no fewer than five steering wheels hidden about the cockpit, none of which followed the same principles -- but you'd be able to shift gears with your car stereo. Useful @@ -20012,6 +27669,10 @@ consider what may be fertilizing it. If the human brain were so simple that we could understand it, we would be so simple we couldn't. % +"If the King's English was good enough for Jesus, it's good enough for +me!" + -- "Ma" Ferguson, Governor of Texas (circa 1920) +% If the Lord God Almighty had consulted me before embarking upon the Creation, I would have recommended something simpler. -- Alfonso the Wise, 13th Century King of Castile, @@ -20027,6 +27688,9 @@ If the Nazi's had television with satellite technology, we'd all be goose-stepping. Americans are just as suggestible. -- Frank Zappa % +If the odds are a million to one against something occurring, chances +are 50-50 it will. +% If the path be beautiful, let us not ask where it leads. -- Anatole France % @@ -20050,6 +27714,17 @@ paper folding, or something. If the very old will remember, the very young will listen. -- Chief Dan George % +If the weather is extremely bad, church attendance will be down. If +the weather is extremely good, church attendance will be down. If the +bulletin covers are in short supply, however, church attendance will +exceed all expectations. + -- Reverend Chichester +% +If there are epigrams, there must be meta-epigrams. +% +If there is a possibility of several things going wrong, the one that +will cause the most damage will be the one to go wrong. +% If there is a possibility of several things going wrong, the one that will cause the most damage will be the one to go wrong. @@ -20068,6 +27743,9 @@ If there is any realistic deterrent to marriage, it's the fact that you can't afford divorce. -- Jack Nicholson % +If there is no God, who pops up the next Kleenex? + -- Art Hoppe +% If there is no wind, row. -- Polish proverb % @@ -20082,6 +27760,10 @@ years left its graduates as unprepared for their careers as does law school, it would be closed down in a minute, and no doubt by lawyers. -- Michael Levin, "The Socratic Method % +If they can make penicillin out of moldy bread, they can sure make +something out of you. + -- Muhammad Ali +% If they sent one man to the moon, why can't they send them all? % If they think you're crude, go technical; if they think you're technical, @@ -20097,6 +27779,15 @@ him because they don't like his necktie. If things don't improve soon, you'd better ask them to stop helping you. It's not time yet. % +If this fortune didn't exist, somebody would have invented it. +% +If this is timesharing, give me my share right now. +% +If time heals all wounds, how come the belly button stays the same? +% +If today is the first day of the rest of your life, what the hell was +yesterday? +% If truth is beauty, how come no one has their hair done in the library? -- Lily Tomlin % @@ -20112,11 +27803,20 @@ I do not believe that this generation of Americans is willing to resign itself to going to bed each night by the light of a Communist moon. -- Lyndon B. Johnson % +If two men agree on everything, you may be sure that one of them is +doing the thinking. + -- Lyndon Baines Johnson +% If two people love each other, there can be no happy end to it. -- Ernest Hemingway % +If two wrongs don't make a right, try three. + -- Laurence J. Peter +% If two wrongs don't make a right, try three wrongs. % +"If value corrupts then absolute value corrupts absolutely." +% If voting could change the system, it would be illegal. If not voting could change the system, it would be illegal. % @@ -20157,6 +27857,8 @@ If we suffer tamely a lawless attack upon our liberty, we encourage it, and involve others in our doom. -- Samuel Adams % +"If we were meant to fly, we wouldn't keep losing our luggage." +% If we were meant to get up early, God would have created us with alarm clocks. % @@ -20166,6 +27868,11 @@ If what they've been doing hasn't solved the problem, tell them to do something else. -- Gerald Weinberg, "The Secrets of Consulting" % +If while you are in school, there is a shortage of qualified personnel +in a particular field, then by the time you graduate with the necessary +qualifications, that field's employment market is glutted. + -- Marguerite Emmons +% If wishes were horses, then beggars would be thieves. % If women are supposed to be less rational and more emotional at the @@ -20183,6 +27890,9 @@ Quit work and play for once! If you analyse anything, you destroy it. -- Arthur Miller % +If you are a fatalist, what can you do about it? + -- Ann Edwards-Duff +% If you are a police dog, where's your badge? -- Question James Thurber used to drive his German Shepherd crazy. @@ -20236,18 +27946,35 @@ If you are what you eat, does that mean Euelle Gibbons really was a nut? If you aren't rich you should always look useful. -- Louis-Ferdinand Celine % +"If you can count your money, you don't have a billion dollars." + -- J. Paul Getty +% If you can keep your head when all about you are losing theirs, then you clearly don't understand the situation. % +If you can lead it to water and force it to drink, it isn't a horse. +% +If you can read this, you're too close. +% +If you can survive death, you can probably survive anything. +% +If you cannot convince them, confuse them. + -- Harry S. Truman +% If you cannot in the long run tell everyone what you have been doing, your doing was worthless. -- Edwin Schrodinger % +If you can't be good, be careful. If you can't be careful, give me a +call. +% If you can't convince them, confuse them. -- Harry S. Truman % If you can't get your work done in the first 24 hours, work nights. % +If you can't learn to do it well, learn to enjoy doing it badly. +% If you can't read this, blame a teacher. % If you can't say anything good about someone, sit right here by me. @@ -20263,6 +27990,8 @@ If you continually give you will continually have. If you could only get that wonderful feeling of accomplishment without having to accomplish anything. % +If you didn't get caught, did you really do it? +% If you didn't have most of your friends, you wouldn't have most of your problems. % @@ -20278,6 +28007,8 @@ it; for the more men talk, the more likely they are to do nothing else. % If you do something right once, someone will ask you to do it again. % +If you don't care where you are, then you ain't lost. +% If you don't count some of Jehovah's injunctions, there are no humorists in the Bible. -- Mordecai Richler @@ -20289,6 +28020,12 @@ If you don't do the things that are not worth doing, who will? % If you don't drink it, someone else will. % +If you don't go to other men's funerals they won't go to yours. + -- Clarence Day +% +If you don't have a nasty obituary you probably didn't matter. + -- Freeman Dyson +% If you don't have the time right now, will you have redo right time later? % @@ -20305,8 +28042,18 @@ If you don't say anything, you won't be called on to repeat it. If you don't strike oil in twenty minutes, stop boring. -- Andrew Carnegie, on public speaking % +"If you don't want your dog to have bad breath, do what I do: +Pour a little Lavoris in the toilet." + -- Jay Leno +% If you drink, don't park. Accidents make people. % +If you eat a live frog in the morning, nothing worse will happen to +either of you for the rest of the day. +% +"If you ever want to get anywhere in politics, my boy, you're going to +have to get a toehold in the public eye." +% If you ever want to have a lot of fun, I recommend that you go off and program an embedded system. The salient characteristic of an embedded system is that it cannot be allowed to get into a state from which only direct intervention @@ -20328,6 +28075,9 @@ number than before, what's it supposed to do about it? This is not discussed in the protocol document. Never supposed to happen. Tough. I think you get my drift. % +If you explain so clearly that nobody can misunderstand, somebody +will. +% If you explain something so clearly that no one can possibly misunderstand, someone will. % @@ -20347,6 +28097,14 @@ enough, it will eventually break. % If you give a man enough rope, he'll claim he's tied up at the office. % +If you give Congress a chance to vote on both sides of an issue, it +will always do it. + -- Les Aspin, D., Wisconsin +% +If you go on with this nuclear arms race, all you are going to do is +make the rubble bounce. + -- Winston Churchill +% If you go out of your mind, do it quietly, so as not to disturb those around you. % @@ -20355,6 +28113,8 @@ all watching you fall, I think a funny gag would be to pretend you were swimming. -- Jack Handey % +If you had any brains, you'd be dangerous. +% If you had better tools, you could more effectively demonstrate your total incompetence. % @@ -20367,6 +28127,8 @@ Like another chance. If you hands are clean and your cause is just and your demands are reasonable, at least it's a start. % +If you have a procedure with 10 parameters, you probably missed some. +% If you have never been hated by your child, you have never been a parent. -- Bette Davis % @@ -20393,6 +28155,8 @@ If you have to ask how much it is, you can't afford it. If you have to ask what jazz is, you'll never know. -- Louis Armstrong % +If you have to hate, hate gently. +% If you have to think twice about it, you're wrong. % If you haven't enjoyed the material in the last few lectures then a career @@ -20404,8 +28168,14 @@ If you hype something and it succeeds, you're a genius -- it wasn't a hype. If you hype it and it fails, then it was just a hype. -- Neil Bogart % +If you just try long enough and hard enough, you can always manage to +boot yourself in the posterior. + -- A. J. Liebling, "The Press" +% If you keep an open mind people will throw a lot of garbage in it. % +If you keep anything long enough, you can throw it away. +% If you keep your mind sufficiently open, people will throw a lot of rubbish into it. -- William Orton @@ -20427,9 +28197,16 @@ If you learn one useless thing every day, in a single year you'll learn % If you liked the Earth you'll love Heaven. % +If you live in a country run by committee, be on the committee. + -- Graham Summer +% If you live long enough, you'll see that every victory turns into a defeat. -- Simone De Beauvoir % +If you live to the age of a hundred you have it made because very few +people die past the age of a hundred. + -- George Burns +% If you lived today as if it were your last, you'd buy up a box of rockets and fire them all off, wouldn't you? -- Garrison Keillor @@ -20460,6 +28237,9 @@ If you make any money, the government shoves you in the creek once a year with it in your pockets, and all that don't get wet you can keep. -- The Best of Will Rogers % +If you make people think they're thinking, they'll love you; +but if you really make them think they'll hate you. +% If you marry a man who cheats on his wife, you'll be married to a man who cheats on his wife. -- Ann Landers @@ -20478,6 +28258,25 @@ Just put your lips together and blow. If you notice that a person is deceiving you, they must not be deceiving you very well. % +If you only have a hammer, you tend to see every problem as a nail. + -- Maslow +% +If you perceive that there are four possible ways in which a procedure +can go wrong, and circumvent these, then a fifth way will promptly +develop. +% +If you pick up a starving dog and make him prosperous, he will not bite +you. This is the principal difference between a dog and a man. + -- Mark Twain +% +If you push the "extra ice" button on the soft drink vending machine, +you won't get any ice. If you push the "no ice" button, you'll get +ice, but no cup. +% +If you put garbage in a computer nothing comes out but garbage. But +this garbage, having passed through a very expensive machine, is +somehow ennobled and none dare criticize it. +% If you put it off long enough, it might go away. % If you put tomfoolery into a computer, nothing comes out but tomfoolery. @@ -20512,8 +28311,13 @@ If you sell diamonds, you cannot expect to have many customers. But a diamond is a diamond even if there are no customers. -- Swami Prabhupada % +If you sit down at a poker game and don't see a sucker, get up. You're +the sucker. +% If you sow your wild oats, hope for a crop failure. % +If you stand on your head, you will get footprints in your hair. +% If you steal from one author it's plagiarism; if you steal from many it's research. -- Wilson Mizner @@ -20522,6 +28326,12 @@ If you stew apples like cranberries, they taste more like prunes than rhubarb does. -- Groucho Marx % +If you stick a stock of liquor in your locker, +It is slick to stick a lock upon your stock. + Or some joker who is slicker, + Will trick you of your liquor, +If you fail to lock your liquor with a lock. +% If you stick your head in the sand, one thing is for sure, you're gonna get your rear kicked. % @@ -20540,13 +28350,30 @@ If you tell the truth you don't have to remember anything. % If you think before you speak the other guy gets his joke in first. % +If you think education is expensive, try ignorance. + -- Derek Bok, president of Harvard +% +If you think last Tuesday was a drag, wait till you see what happens +tomorrow! +% +If you think nobody cares if you're alive, try missing a couple of car +payments. + -- Earl Wilson +% If you think the pen is mightier than the sword, the next time someone pulls out a sword I'd like to see you get up there with your Bic. % +If you think the problem is bad now, just wait until we've solved it. + -- Arthur Kasspe +% If you think the system is working, ask someone who's waiting for a prompt. % +If you think the United States has stood still, who built the largest +shopping center in the world? + -- Richard M. Nixon +% If you think the United States has stood still, who built the largest shopping center in the world? -- Richard Nixon @@ -20554,10 +28381,33 @@ who built the largest shopping center in the world? If you think things can't get worse it's probably only because you lack sufficient imagination. % +If you throw a New Year's Party, the worst thing that you can do would +be to throw the kind of party where your guests wake up today, and call +you to say they had a nice time. Now you'll be be expected to throw +another party next year. + +What you should do is throw the kind of party where your guest wake up +several days from now and call their lawyers to find out if they've +been indicted for anything. You want your guests to be so anxious to +avoid a recurrence of your party that they immediately start planning +parties of their own, a year in advance, just to prevent you from +having another one ... + +If your party is successful, the police will knock on your door, unless +your party is very successful in which case they will lob tear gas +through your living room window. As host, your job is to make sure +that they don't arrest anybody. Or if they're dead set on arresting +someone, your job is to make sure it isn't you ... + -- Dave Barry +% If you took all of the grains of sand in the world, and lined them up end to end in a row, you'd be working for the government! -- Mr. Interesting % +If you took all the students that felt asleep in class and laid them +end to end, they'd be a lot more comfortable. + -- "Graffiti in the Big Ten" +% If you took all the women at the Harvard Prom and laid them end to end, I wouldn't be a bit surprised. -- Dorothy Parker @@ -20567,9 +28417,15 @@ If you treat people right they will treat you right -- 90% of the time. % If you try to please everyone, somebody is not going to like it. % +If you understand what you're doing, you're not learning anything. + -- Abraham Lincoln +% If you wait long enough, it will go away... after having done its damage. If it was bad, it will be back. % +If you want divine justice, die. + -- Nick Seldon +% If you want me to be a good little bunny just dangle some carats in front of my nose. -- Lauren Bacall @@ -20583,6 +28439,10 @@ read by persons who move their lips when they're reading to themselves. % If you want to know how old a man is, ask his brother-in-law. % +If you want to know what god thinks of money, just look at the people +he gave it to. + -- Dorothy Parker +% If you want to make God laugh, tell him about your plans. -- Woody Allen % @@ -20595,6 +28455,21 @@ books. If you want to see card tricks, you have to expect to take cards. -- Harry Blackstone % +If you want to understand your government, don't begin by reading the +Constitution. It conveys precious little of the flavor of today's +statecraft. Instead, read selected portions of the Washington +telephone directory containing listings for all the organizations with +titles beginning with the word "National". + -- George Will +% +If you want your spouse to listen and pay strict attention to every +word you say, talk in your sleep. +% +"If you wants to get elected president, you'se got to think up some +memoraboble homily so's school kids can be pestered into memorizin' it, +even if they don't know what it means." + -- Walt Kelly, "The Pogo Party" +% If you waste your time cooking, you'll miss the next meal. % If you will practice being fictional for a while, you will understand that @@ -20607,6 +28482,8 @@ If you wish to be happy for a month, kill your pig and eat it. If you wish to be happy forever, learn to fish. -- Chinese proverb % +If you wish to live wisely, ignore sayings -- including this one. +% If you wish to succeed, consult three old people. % If you wish women to love you, be original; I know a man who wore fur @@ -20681,14 +28558,39 @@ together yet. If you're going to America, bring your own food. -- Fran Lebowitz, "Social Studies" % +If you're going to do something tonight that you'll be sorry for +tomorrow morning, sleep late. + -- Henny Youngman +% If you're going to walk on thin ice, you might as well dance. % +If you're happy, you're successful. +% +If you're not part of the solution, you're part of the precipitate. +% +If you're not very clever you should be conciliatory. + -- Benjamin Disraeli +% +If you're right 90% of the time, why quibble about the remaining 3%? +% If you're worried by earthquakes and nuclear war, As well as by traffic and crime, Consider how worry-free gophers are, Though living on burrowed time. -- Richard Armour, WSJ, 11/7/83 % +"If you've done six impossible things before breakfast, why not round +it off with dinner at Milliway's, the restaurant at the end of the +universe?" +% +If you've seen one redwood, you've seen them all. + -- Ronald Reagan +% +Ignisecond, n.: + The overlapping moment of time when the hand is locking the car +door even as the brain is saying, "my keys are in there!" + -- Rich Hall, "Sniglets" +% IGNORANCE: When you don't know anything, and someone else finds out. % @@ -20709,6 +28611,12 @@ so resolutely pursuing it. % Ignore previous fortune. % +Il brilgue: les t^oves libricilleux + Se gyrent et frillant dans le guave, +Enm^im'es sont les gougebosquex, + Et le m^omerade horgrave. + -- Lewis Carroll, "Through the Looking Glass" +% Il brilgue: les toves libricilleux Se gyrent et frillant dans le guave, Enmimes sont les gougebosquex, @@ -20719,6 +28627,11 @@ Es brilig war. Die schlichte Toven Und aller-mumsige Burggoven Dir mohmen Rath ausgraben. % +Iles's Law: + There is always an easier way to do it. When looking directly +at the easy way, especially for long periods, you will not see it. +Neither will Iles. +% I'll be comfortable on the couch. Famous last words. -- Lenny Bruce % @@ -20727,11 +28640,26 @@ I'll be Grateful when they're Dead. I'll burn my books. -- Christopher Marlowe % +"I'll carry your books, I'll carry a tune, I'll carry on, carry over, +carry forward, Cary Grant, cash & carry, Carry Me Back To Old Virginia, +I'll even Hara Kari if you show me how, but I will *not* carry a gun." + -- Hawkeye, M*A*S*H +% +I'll defend to the death your right to say that, but I never said I'd +listen to it! + -- Tom Galloway with apologies to Voltaire +% I'll give you my opinion of the human race in a nutshell ... their heart's in the right place, but their head is a thoroughly inefficient organ. -- W. Somerset Maugham, "The Summing Up" % I'll grant thee random access to my heart, +Thoul't tell me all the constants of thy love; +And so we two shall all love's lemmas prove +And in our bound partition never part. + -- Stanislaw Lem, "Cyberiad" +% +I'll grant thee random access to my heart, Thou'lt tell me all the constants of thy love; And so we two shall all love's lemmas prove And in our bound partition never part. @@ -20764,6 +28692,10 @@ I'll never get off this planet. % I'll pretend to trust you if you'll pretend to trust me. % +"I'll rob that rich person and give it to some poor deserving slob. +That will *prove* I'm Robin Hood." + -- Daffy Duck, "Robin Hood Daffy", [1958, Chuck Jones] +% I'll turn over a new leaf. -- Miguel de Cervantes % @@ -20777,11 +28709,17 @@ Immigration is the sincerest form of flattery. Illegitimi non carborundum (translation: no carbonated drinks allowed.) % +Illinois isn't exactly the land that God forgot -- it's more like the +land He's trying to ignore. +% Illiterate? Write today, for free help! % Illusion is the first of all pleasures. -- Voltaire % +"I'm a creationist; I refuse to believe that I could have evolved from +man." +% "I'm a doctor, not a mechanic." -- "The Doomsday Machine", when asked if he had heard of the idea of a doomsday machine. @@ -20808,10 +28746,15 @@ Illusion is the first of all pleasures. I'm a Hollywood writer; so I put on a sports jacket and take off my brain. % +I'm a Lisp variable -- bind me! +% I'm a lucky guy, and I'm happy to be with the Yankees. And I want to thank everyone for making this night necessary. -- Yogi Berra at a dinner in his honor % +"I'm all for computer dating, but I wouldn't want one to marry my +sister." +% I'm also inclined to believe that if you wait long enough, you will eventually have more than 255 of almost *anything*.... -- A. Lyman Chapin @@ -20837,6 +28780,20 @@ that I could have been created by man. "I'm ANN LANDERS!! I can SHOPLIFT!!" -- Zippy the Pinhead % +I'm changing my name to Chrysler +I'm going down to Washington, D.C. +I'll tell some power broker + What they did for Iacocca +Will be perfectly acceptable to me! +I'm changing my name to Chrysler, +I'm heading for that great receiving line. +When they hand a million grand out, + I'll be standing with my hand out, +Yessir, I'll get mine! + -- Tom Paxton +% +I'm defending her honor, which is more than she ever did. +% I'm dying beyond my means. -- Oscar Wilde, his last words, while sipping champagne % @@ -20857,6 +28814,10 @@ I'm dying beyond my means. "Where did you get this meat?" he bridled hoarsely. -- Gyles Brandreth, "The Joy of Lex" % +"I'm fed up to the ears with old men dreaming up wars for young men to +die in." + -- George McGovern +% I'm for bringing back the birch, but only for consenting adults. -- Gore Vidal % @@ -20885,9 +28846,15 @@ it with you. > In New York there are a million interesting people. > And in LA there are 72. % +I'm going to Boston to see my doctor. He's a very sick man. + -- Fred Allen +% I'm going to give my psychoanalyst one more year, then I'm going to Lourdes. -- Woody Allen % +I'm going to live forever, or die trying! + -- Spider Robinson +% I'm going to raise an issue and stick it in your ear. -- John Foreman % @@ -20900,12 +28867,30 @@ I'm hungry, time to eat lunch. I'm in Pittsburgh. Why am I here? -- Harold Urey % +"I'm in Pittsburgh. Why am I here?" + -- Harold Urey, Nobel Laureate +% I'm just as sad as sad can be! I've missed your special date. Please say that you're not mad at me My tax return is late. -- Modern Lines for Modern Greeting Cards % +I'm living so far beyond my income that we may almost be said to be +living apart. + -- E. E. Cummings +% +I'm N-ary the tree, I am, +N-ary the tree, I am, I am. +I'm getting traversed by the parser next door, +She's traversed me seven times before. +And ev'ry time it was an N-ary (N-ary!) +Never wouldn't ever do a binary. (No sir!) +I'm 'er eighth tree that was N-ary. +N-ary the tree I am, I am, +N-ary the tree I am. + Stolen from Paul Revere and the Raiders +% I'm not a lovable man. -- Richard Nixon % @@ -20943,6 +28928,9 @@ I'm not the person your mother warned you about... her imagination isn't that good. -- Amy Gorin % +"I'm not under the alkafluence of inkahol that some thinkle peep I am. +It's just the drunker I sit here the longer I get." +% I'm often asked the question, "Do you think there is extraterrestrial intelli- gence?" I give the standard arguments -- there are a lot of places out there, and use the word *billions*, and so on. And then I say it would be astonishing @@ -20953,13 +28941,34 @@ what's your gut feeling?" But I try not to think with my gut. Really, it's okay to reserve judgment until the evidence is in. -- Carl Sagan % +"I'm prepared for all emergencies but totally unprepared for everyday +life." +% +I'm proud to be paying taxes in the United States. The only thing is +-- I could be just as proud for half the money. + -- Arthur Godfrey +% +I'm rated PG-34!! +% +"I'm really enjoying not talking to you ... Let's not talk again ____REAL +soon ..." +% I'm really enjoying not talking to you... Let's not talk again REAL soon... % +"I'm returning this note to you, instead of your paper, because it +(your paper) presently occupies the bottom of my bird cage." + -- English Professor, Providence College +% I'm so broke I can't even pay attention. % I'm so miserable without you, it's almost like you're here. % +"I'm sorry, but after reading this thread, I'm having a hard time +coming up with an explanation for this nonsense which doesn't involve +you being a dumbass." + -- Bill Paul +% I'm sorry, but my kharma just ran over your dogma. % I'm sorry I missed. @@ -20977,13 +28986,38 @@ a customer. "Let me wrap your head in a towel." "That's all right," said the customer. "I'll just take it home under my arm." % +I'm very good at integral and differential calculus, +I know the scientific names of beings animalculous; +In short, in matters vegetable, animal, and mineral, +I am the very model of a modern Major-General. + -- Gilbert & Sullivan, "Pirates of Penzance" +% I'm very old-fashioned. I believe that people should marry for life, like pigeons and Catholics. -- Woody Allen % +"I'm willing to sacrifice anything for this cause, even other people's +lives" +% Imagination is more important than knowledge. -- Albert Einstein % +Imagination is the one weapon in the war against reality. + -- Jules de Gaultier +% +"Imagine if every Thursday your shoes exploded if you tied them the +usual way. This happens to us all the time with computers, and nobody +thinks of complaining." + -- Jeff Raskin, interviewed in Doctor Dobb's Journal +% +Imagine that Cray computer decides to make a personal computer. It has +a 150 MHz processor, 200 megabytes of RAM, 1500 megabytes of disk +storage, a screen resolution of 4096 x 4096 pixels, relies entirely on +voice recognition for input, fits in your shirt pocket and costs $300. +What's the first question that the computer community asks? + +"Is it PC compatible?" +% Imagine there's no heaven... it's easy if you try. -- John Lennon, "Imagine" % @@ -21011,16 +29045,54 @@ Immature artists imitate, mature artists steal. Immature poets imitate, mature poets steal. -- T. S. Eliot, "Philip Massinger" % +Immigration is the sincerest form of flattery. + -- Jack Paar +% +Immortality -- a fate worse than death. + -- Edgar A. Shoaff +% Immutability, Three Rules of: (1) If a tarpaulin can flap, it will. (2) If a small boy can get dirty, he will. (3) If a teenager can go out, he will. % +Impartial, adj.: + Unable to perceive any promise of personal advantage from +espousing either side of a controversy or adopting either of two +conflicting opinions. + -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary" +% Important letters which contain no errors will develop errors in the mail. Corresponding errors will show up in the duplicate while the Boss is reading it. Vital papers will demonstrate their vitality by spontaneously moving from where you left them to where you can't find them. % +Important letters which contain no errors will develop errors in the +mail. Corresponding errors will show up in the duplicate while the +Boss is reading it. +% +Impossible, adj.: + (1) I wouldn't like it and when it happens I won't approve; + (2) I can't be bothered; + (3) God can't be bothered. +Meaning (3) may perhaps be valid but the others are 101% whaledreck. + -- Chad C. Mulligan, "The Hipcrime Vocab" +% +In 1750 Isaac Newton became discouraged when he fell up a flight of +stairs. +% +In 1869 the waffle iron was invented for people who had wrinkled +waffles. +% +In 1880 the French captured Detroit but gave it back ... they couldn't +get parts. +% +In 1914, the first crossword puzzle was printed in a newspaper. The +creator received $4000 down ... and $3000 across. +% +In 1915 pancake make-up was invented but most people still preferred +syrup. +% In 1967, the Soviet Government minted a beautiful silver ruble with Lenin in a very familiar pose - arms raised above him, leading the country to revolution. But, it was clear to everybody, that if you looked at it from @@ -21056,6 +29128,9 @@ humidifier for a mid-range computer but manages to tie it into the network anyway. -- The 5th Wave % +In a five year period we can get one superb programming language. Only +we can't control when the five year period will begin. +% In a gathering of two or more people, when a lighted cigarette is placed in an ashtray, the smoke will waft into the face of the non-smoker. % @@ -21069,6 +29144,10 @@ to carry out its duties ... Work is accomplished by those employees who have not yet reached their level of incompetence. -- Dr. Laurence J. Peter, "The Peter Principle" % +In a medium in which a News Piece takes a minute and an "In-Depth" +Piece takes two minutes, the Simple will drive out the Complex. + -- Frank Mankiewicz +% In a minimum-phase system there is an inextricable link between frequency response, phase response and transient response, as they are all merely transforms of one another. This combined with @@ -21077,6 +29156,10 @@ compensation for non-linear passive crossover network loading can lead to a significant decrease in system resolution lost. However, this all means jack when you listen to Pink Floyd. % +In a museum in Havana, there are two skulls of Christopher Columbus, +"one when he was a boy and one when he was a man." + -- Mark Twain +% In a surprise raid last night, federal agent's ransacked a house in search of a rebel computer hacker. However, they were unable to complete the arrest because the warrant was made out in the name of Don Provan, while the only @@ -21086,8 +29169,23 @@ superior to Tops10. In a whiskey it's age, in a cigarette it's taste and in a sports car it's impossible. % +In Africa some of the native tribes have a custom of beating the ground +with clubs and uttering spine chilling cries. Anthropologists call +this a form of primitive self-expression. In America we call it golf. +% +In America, any boy may become president and I suppose that's just one +of the risks he takes. + -- Adlai Stevenson +% In America, it's not how much an item costs, it's how much you save. % +In America today ... we have Woody Allen, whose humor has become so +sophisticated that nobody gets it any more except Mia Farrow. All +those who think Mia Farrow should go back to making movies where the +devil gets her pregnant and Woody Allen should go back to dressing up +as a human sperm, please raise your hands. Thank you. + -- Dave Barry, "Why Humor is Funny" +% In an age when the fashion is to be in love with yourself, confessing to be in love with somebody else is an admission of unfaithfulness to one's beloved. @@ -21095,13 +29193,29 @@ beloved. % In an orderly world, there's always a place for the disorderly. % +In an organization, each person rises to the level of his own +incompetency + -- The Peter Principle +% In any country there must be people who have to die. They are the sacrifices any nation has to make to achieve law and order. -- Idi Amin Dada % +In any formula, constants (especially those obtained from handbooks) +are to be treated as variables. +% In any problem, if you find yourself doing an infinite amount of work, the answer may be obtained by inspection. % +"In any world menu, Canada must be considered the vichyssoise of +nations -- it's cold, half-French, and difficult to stir." + -- Stuart Keate +% +In Blythe, California, a city ordinance declares that a person must own +at least two cows before he can wear cowboy boots in public. +% +In Boston, it is illegal to hold frog-jumping contests in nightclubs. +% IN BOX: A catch basin for everything you don't want to deal with, but are afraid to throw away. @@ -21129,11 +29243,17 @@ it into television shows. % In case of atomic attack, all work rules will be temporarily suspended. % +In case of atomic attack, the federal ruling against prayer in schools +will be temporarily canceled. +% In case of fire, stand in the hall and shout "Fire!" -- The Kidner Report % In case of fire, yell "FIRE!" % +In case of injury notify your superior immediately. He'll kiss it and +make it better. +% In charity there is no excess. -- Francis Bacon % @@ -21145,8 +29265,28 @@ be free of subjugation. In Christianity, a man may have only one wife. This is called Monotony. % +In Columbia, Pennsylvania, it is against the law for a pilot to tickle +a female flying student under her chin with a feather duster in order +to get her attention. +% In computing, the mean time to failure keeps getting shorter. % +In Corning, Iowa, it's a misdemeanor for a man to ask his wife to ride +in any motor vehicle. +% +"In defeat, unbeatable; in victory, unbearable." + -- Winston Churchill, on General Montgomery +% +In Denver it is unlawful to lend your vacuum cleaner to your next-door +neighbor. +% +In Devon, Connecticut, it is unlawful to walk backwards after sunset. +% +In Dr. Johnson's famous dictionary patriotism is defined as the last +resort of the scoundrel. With all due respect to an enlightened but +inferior lexicographer I beg to submit that it is the first. + -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary" +% In dwelling, be close to the land. In meditation, delve deep into the heart. In dealing with others, be gentle and kind. @@ -21155,6 +29295,9 @@ In work, be competent. In action, be careful of your timing. -- Lao Tsu % +In English, every word can be verbed. Would that it were so in our +programming languages. +% In every country and every age, the priest has been hostile to Liberty. -- Thomas Jefferson % @@ -21192,6 +29335,9 @@ In good speaking, should not the mind of the speaker know the truth of the matter about which he is to speak? -- Plato % +In Greene, New York, it is illegal to eat peanuts and walk backwards on +the sidewalks when a concert is on. +% In her first passion woman loves her lover, In all the others all she loves is love. -- George Gordon, Lord Byron, "Don Juan" @@ -21222,6 +29368,12 @@ afterwards that causes the problems. In Hollywood, if you don't have happiness, you send out for it. -- Rex Reed % +In India, "cold weather" is merely a conventional phrase and has come +into use through the necessity of having some way to distinguish +between weather which will melt a brass door-knob and weather which +will only make it mushy. + -- Mark Twain +% In Italy, for thirty years under the Borgias, they had warfare, terror, murder, and bloodshed, but they produced Michelangelo, Leonardo da Vinci and the Renaissance. In Switzerland, they had brotherly love, they had @@ -21237,12 +29389,19 @@ In less than a century, computers will be making substantial progress on ... the overriding problem of war and peace. -- James Slagle % +In Lexington, Kentucky, it's illegal to carry an ice cream cone in your +pocket. +% In like a dimwit, out like a light. -- Pogo % In love, she who gives her portrait promises the original. -- Bruton % +In Lowes Crossroads, Delaware, it is a violation of local law for any +pilot or passenger to carry an ice cream cone in their pocket while +either flying or waiting to board a plane. +% In marriage, as in war, it is permitted to take every advantage of the enemy. % @@ -21255,6 +29414,10 @@ In matters of principle, stand like a rock; in matters of taste, swim with the current. -- Thomas Jefferson % +In Memphis, Tennessee, it is illegal for a woman to drive a car unless +there is a man either running or walking in front of it waving a red +flag to warn approaching motorists and pedestrians. +% In Mexico we have a word for sushi: bait. -- Josi Simon % @@ -21279,6 +29442,10 @@ In Nature there are neither rewards nor punishments, there are consequences. -- R. G. Ingersoll % +In Ohio, if you ignore an orator on Decoration day to such an extent as +to publicly play croquet or pitch horseshoes within one mile of the +speaker's stand, you can be fined $25.00. +% In olden times sacrifices were made at the altar -- a practice which is still continued. -- Helen Rowland @@ -21293,12 +29460,28 @@ In order to get a loan you must first prove you don't need it. In order to live free and happily, you must sacrifice boredom. It is not always an easy sacrifice. % +"In order to make an apple pie from scratch, you must first create the +universe." + -- Carl Sagan, Cosmos +% +In our civilization, and under our republican form of government, +intelligence is so highly honored that it is rewarded by exemption from +the cares of office. + -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary" +% In Oz, never say "krizzle kroo" to a Woozy. % In Pierre Trudeau, Canada has finally produced a Prime Minister worthy of assassination. -- John Diefenbaker % +In Pocataligo, Georgia, it is a violation for a woman over 200 pounds +and attired in shorts to pilot or ride in an airplane. +% +In Pocatello, Idaho, a law passed in 1912 provided that "The carrying +of concealed weapons is forbidden, unless same are exhibited to public +view." +% In practice, failures in system development, like unemployment in Russia, happens a lot despite official propaganda to the contrary. -- Paul Licker @@ -21307,6 +29490,12 @@ In real love you want the other person's good. In romantic love you want the other person. -- Margaret Anderson % +In Riemann, Hilbert or in Banach space +Let superscripts and subscripts go their ways. +Our asymptotes no longer out of phase, +We shall encounter, counting, face to face. + -- Stanislaw Lem, "Cyberiad" +% In San Francisco, Halloween is redundant. -- Will Durst % @@ -21318,7 +29507,15 @@ human and change is sometimes painful. But it happens every day. I cannot recall the last time something like that happened in politics or religion. -- Carl Sagan, 1987 CSICOP keynote address % -In short, N is Richardian if, and only if, N is not Richardian. +In Seattle, Washington, it is illegal to carry a concealed weapon that +is over six feet in length. +% +In seeking the unattainable, simplicity only gets in the way. + -- Epigrams in Programming, ACM SIGPLAN Sept. 1982 +% +"In short, _N is Richardian if, and only if, _N is not Richardian." +% +In specifications, Murphy's Law supersedes Ohm's. % In spite of everything, I still believe that people are good at heart. -- Ann Frank @@ -21326,9 +29523,34 @@ In spite of everything, I still believe that people are good at heart. In success there's a tendency to keep on doing what you were doing. -- Alan Kay % +In Tennessee, it is illegal to shoot any game other than whales from a +moving automobile. +% +[In the 60's] there was madness in any direction, at any hour ... You +could strike sparks anywhere. There was a fantastic universal sense +that whatever we were doing was `right', that we were winning ... + +And that, I think, was the handle -- the sense of inevitable victory +over the forces of Old and Evil. Not in any mean or military sense; we +didn't need that. Our energy would simply `prevail'. There was no +point in fighting -- on our side or theirs. We had all the momentum; +we were riding the crest of a high and beautiful wave ... + +So now, less than five years later, you can go up on a steep hill in +Las Vegas and look West, and with the right kind of eyes you can almost +___see the high-water mark -- the place where the wave finally broke and +rolled back. + -- Hunter S. Thompson, "Fear and Loathing in Las Vegas" +% In the beginning there was nothing. And the Lord said "Let There Be Light!" And still there was nothing, but at least now you could see it. % +In the beginning was the word. +But by the time the second word was added to it, +there was trouble. +For with it came syntax ... + -- John Simon +% In the course of reading Hadamard's "The Psychology of Invention in the Mathematical Field", I have come across evidence supporting a fact which we coffee achievers have long appreciated: no really creative, @@ -21354,6 +29576,14 @@ Oh, those gallant days, When women were women, And men were really obnoxious. % +In the days when Sussman was a novice Minsky once came to him as he sat +hacking at the PDP-6. "What are you doing?", asked Minsky. "I am +training a randomly wired neural net to play Tic-Tac-Toe." "Why is the +net wired randomly?", asked Minsky. "I do not want it to have any +preconceptions of how to play." Minsky shut his eyes. "Why do you +close your eyes?", Sussman asked his teacher. "So the room will be +empty." At that moment, Sussman was enlightened. +% In the dimestores and bus stations People talk of situations Read books repeat quotations @@ -21392,6 +29622,9 @@ In the first place, God made idiots; this was for practice; then he made school boards. -- Mark Twain % +In the force if Yoda's so strong, construct a sentence with words in +the proper order then why can't he? +% In the future, there will be fewer but better Russians. -- Joseph Stalin % @@ -21405,6 +29638,13 @@ In the highest society, as well as in the lowest, woman is merely an instrument of pleasure. -- Tolstoy % +In the land of the dark, the Ship of the Sun is driven by the Grateful +Dead. + -- Egyptian Book of the Dead +% +In the long run, every program becomes rococo, and then rubble. + -- Alan Perlis +% In the long run we are all dead. -- John Maynard Keynes % @@ -21441,6 +29681,15 @@ the sound of those drums." Suddenly, they hear a cry come from the Indian camp: "IT'S NOT OUR REGULAR DRUMMER." % +In the olden days in England, you could be hung for stealing a sheep or +a loaf of bread. However, if a sheep stole a loaf of bread and gave it +to you, you would only be tried for receiving, a crime punishable by +forty lashes with the cat or the dog, whichever was handy. If you +stole a dog and were caught, you were punished with twelve rabbit +punches, although it was hard to find rabbits big enough or strong +enough to punch you. + -- Mike Harding, "The Armchair Anarchist's Almanac" +% In the plot, people came to the land; the land loved them; they worked and struggled and had lots of children. There was a Frenchman who talked funny and a greenhorn from England who was a fancy-pants but when it came to the @@ -21448,12 +29697,27 @@ crunch he was all courage. Those novels would make you retch. -- Canadian novelist Robertson Davies, on the generic Canadian novel. % +In the space of one hundred and seventy-six years the Mississippi has +shortened itself two hundred and forty-two miles. Therefore ... in the +Old Silurian Period the Mississippi River was upward of one million +three hundred thousand miles long ... seven hundred and forty-two years +from now the Mississippi will be only a mile and three-quarters long. +... There is something fascinating about science. One gets such +wholesome returns of conjecture out of such a trifling investment of +fact. + -- Mark Twain +% In the Spring, I have counted 136 different kinds of weather inside of 24 hours. -- Mark Twain, on New England weather % In the stairway of life, you'd best take the elevator. % +In the Top 40, half the songs are secret messages to the teen world to +drop out, turn on, and groove with the chemicals and light shows at +discotheques. + -- Art Linkletter +% In the war of wits, he's unarmed. % In theory, there is no difference between theory and practice. @@ -21484,10 +29748,17 @@ not getting what one wants, and the other is getting it. % In this world, truth can wait; she's used to it. % +In those days he was wiser than he is now -- he used to frequently take +my advice. + -- Winston Churchill +% In time, every post tends to be occupied by an employee who is incompetent to carry out its duties. -- Dr. Laurence J. Peter % +In Tulsa, Oklahoma, it is against the law to open a soda bottle without +the supervision of a licensed engineer. +% In /users3 did Kubla Kahn A stately pleasure dome decree, Where /bin, the sacred river ran @@ -21500,6 +29771,9 @@ In war it is not men, but the man who counts. In war, truth is the first casualty. -- U Thant % +In West Union, Ohio, No married man can go flying without his spouse +along at any time, unless he has been married for more than 12 months. +% In which level of metalanguage are you now speaking? % In wine there is truth (In vino veritas). @@ -21544,6 +29818,10 @@ Include me out. Increased knowledge will help you now. Have mate's phone bugged. % +Incumbent, n.: + Person of liveliest interest to the outcumbents. + -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary" +% Indecision is the true basis for flexibility. % Indeed, the first noble truth of Buddhism, usually translated as @@ -21560,12 +29838,22 @@ basketball. Berkeley, needless to say, is not nearly as athletic. Berkeley is dedicated to coffee, angst, potholes and coffee. -- Carolyn Jones % +Indifference will be the downfall of mankind, but who cares? +% Indifference will certainly be the downfall of mankind, but who cares? % +Individualists unite! +% Indomitable in retreat; invincible in advance; insufferable in victory. -- Winston Churchill, on General Montgomery % +Infancy, n.: + The period of our lives when, according to Wordsworth, "Heaven +lies about us." The world begins lying about us pretty soon +afterward. + -- Ambrose Bierce +% Infidel: In New York, one who does not believe in the Christian religion; in Constantinople, one who does. -- Ambrose Bierce @@ -21576,6 +29864,10 @@ Information Center: A room staffed by professional computer people whose job it is to tell you why you cannot have the information you require. % +Information Center, n.: + A room staffed by professional computer people whose job it is +to tell you why you cannot have the information you require. +% Information is the inverse of entropy. % Information Processing: @@ -21631,12 +29923,25 @@ Inglish Spocken Hier: some mangled translations -- Colin Bowles, San Francisco Chronicle % +Ingrate, n.: + A man who bites the hand that feeds him, and then complains of +indigestion. +% +Injustice anywhere is a threat to justice everywhere. + -- Martin Luther King, Jr. +% ink, n: A villainous compound of tannogallate of iron, gum-arabic, and water, chiefly used to facilitate the infection of idiocy and promote intellectual crime. -- H. L. Mencken % +Ink, n.: + A villainous compound of tannogallate of iron, gum-arabic, and +water, chiefly used to facilitate the infection of idiocy and promote +intellectual crime. + -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary" +% Innocence ends when one is stripped of the delusion that one likes oneself. -- Joan Didion, "On Self Respect" @@ -21644,6 +29949,9 @@ likes oneself. INNOVATE: Annoy people. % +Innovation is hard to schedule. + -- Dan Fylstra +% INNUENDO: Italian enema. % @@ -21651,6 +29959,11 @@ Insanity is considered a ground for divorce, though by the very same token it is the shortest detour to marriage. -- Wilson Mizner % +Insanity is hereditary. You get it from your kids. +% +Insanity is the final defense ... It's hard to get a refund when the +salesman is sniffing your crotch and baying at the moon. +% INSECURITY: Finding out that you've mispronounced for years one of your favorite words. @@ -21708,6 +30021,12 @@ INTERPRETER: each other by repeating to each what it would have been to the interpreter's advantage for the other to have said. % +Interpreter, n.: + One who enables two persons of different languages to +understand each other by repeating to each what it would have been to +the interpreter's advantage for the other to have said. + -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary" +% Into love and out again, Thus I went and thus I go. Spare your voice, and hold your pen: @@ -21718,6 +30037,8 @@ Could it be, when I was young, Someone dropped me on my head? -- Dorothy Parker, "Theory" % +Intolerance is the last defense of the insecure. +% INTOXICATED: When you feel sophisticated without being able to pronounce it. % @@ -21772,10 +30093,16 @@ Iowans ask why Minnesotans don't drink more Kool-Aid. That's because they can't figure out how to get two quarts of water into one of those little paper envelopes. % +Iron Law of Distribution: + Them that has, gets. +% IRONY: A windy day, when, just as a beautiful girl with a short skirt approaches, dust blows in your eyes. % +Irrationality is the square root of all evil. + -- Douglas Hofstadter +% Is a computer language with goto's totally Wirth-less? % Is a person who blows up banks an econoclast? @@ -21788,6 +30115,10 @@ Is a wedding successful if it comes off without a hitch? % Is death legally binding? % +Is it possible that software is not like anything else, that it is +meant to be discarded: that the whole point is to always see it as a +soap bubble? +% Is it weird in here, or is it just me? -- Steven Wright % @@ -21798,6 +30129,11 @@ of the world, that such as are in the institution wish to get out, and such as are out wish to get in? -- Ralph Emerson % +Is not marriage an open question, when it is alleged, from the +beginning of the world, that such as are in the institution wish to get +out, and such as are out wish to get in? + -- Ralph Waldo Emerson +% Is sex dirty? Only if it's done right. -- Woody Allen, "All You Ever Wanted To Know About Sex" % @@ -21815,6 +30151,8 @@ Is there life before breakfast? % Is this really happening? % +Is your job running? You'd better go catch it! +% Isn't air travel wonderful? Breakfast in London, dinner in New York, luggage in Brazil. % @@ -21822,6 +30160,10 @@ Isn't it conceivable to you that an intelligent person could harbor two opposing ideas in his mind? -- Adlai Stevenson, to reporters % +Isn't it interesting that the same people who laugh at science fiction +listen to weather forecasts and economists? + -- Kelvin Throop III +% Isn't it ironic that many men spend a great part of their lives avoiding marriage while single-mindedly pursuing those things that would make them better prospects? @@ -21830,9 +30172,32 @@ Isn't it nice that people who prefer Los Angeles to San Francisco live there? -- Herb Caen % +Isn't it strange that the same people that laugh at gypsy fortune +tellers take economists seriously? +% ISO applications: A solution in search of a problem! % +Issawi's Laws of Progress: + + The Course of Progress: + Most things get steadily worse. + + The Path of Progress: + A shortcut is the longest distance between two points. +% +It appears that after his death, Albert Einstein found himself working +as the doorkeeper at the Pearly Gates. One slow day, he found that he +had time to chat with the new entrants. To the first one he asked, +"What's your IQ?" The new arrival replied, "190". They discussed +Einstein's theory of relativity for hours. When the second new arrival +came, Einstein once again inquired as to the newcomer's IQ. The answer +this time came "120". To which Einstein replied, "Tell me, how did the +Cubs do this year?" and they proceeded to talk for half an hour or so. +To the final arrival, Einstein once again posed the question, "What's +your IQ?". Upon receiving the answer "70", Einstein smiled and asked, +"Got a minute to tell me about VMS 4.0?" +% It appears that PL/I (and its dialects) is, or will be, the most widely used higher level language for systems programming. -- J. Sammet @@ -21932,20 +30297,43 @@ He repeated his warning, they shouted even louder. So I think the world will come to an end amid general applause from all the wits, who believe that it is a joke. % +It happened that a fire broke out backstage in a theater. The clown +came out to inform the public. They thought it was just a jest and +applauded. He repeated his warning, they shouted even louder. So I +think the world will come to an end amid general applause from all the +wits, who believe that it is a joke. + -- S. A. Kierkegaard (1813-1855) +% It has been justly observed by sages of all lands that although a man may be most happily married and continue in that state with the utmost contentment, it does not necessarily follow that he has therefore been struck stone-blind. -- H. Warner Munn % +It has been observed that one's nose is never so happy as when it is +thrust into the affairs of another, from which some physiologists have +drawn the inference that the nose is devoid of the sense of smell. + -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary" +% It has been observed that one's nose is never so happy as when it is thrust into the affairs of another, from which some physiologists have drawn the inference that the nose is devoid of the sense of smell. -- Ambrose Bierce % +It has been said [by Anatole France], "it is not by amusing oneself +that one learns," and, in reply: "it is *____only* by amusing oneself that +one can learn." + -- Edward Kasner and James R. Newman +% +It has been said that man is a rational animal. All my life I have +been searching for evidence which could support this. + -- Bertrand Russell +% It has been said that Public Relations is the art of winning friends and getting people under the influence. -- Jeremy Tunstall % +It has just been discovered that research causes cancer in rats. +% It has long been an article of our folklore that too much knowledge or skill, or especially consummate expertise, is a bad thing. It dehumanizes those who achieve it, and makes difficult their commerce with just plain folks, in whom @@ -22023,10 +30411,25 @@ estimate that it added a year to debugging time. It is a wise father that knows his own child. -- William Shakespeare, "The Merchant of Venice" % +It is against the grain of modern education to teach children to +program. What fun is there in making plans, acquiring discipline in +organizing thoughts, devoting attention to detail, and learning to be +self-critical? + -- Alan Perlis +% +It is against the law for a monster to enter the corporate limits of +Urbana, Illinois. +% It is all right to hold a conversation, but you should let go of it now and then. -- Richard Armour % +It is always preferable to visit home with a friend. Your parents will +not be pleased with this plan, because they want you all to themselves +and because in the presence of your friend, they will have to act like +mature human beings ... + -- Playboy, January 1983 +% It is always the best policy to speak the truth, unless of course you are an exceptionally good liar. -- Jerome K. Jerome @@ -22037,6 +30440,25 @@ you are an exceptionally good liar. % It is amazing how complete is the delusion that beauty is goodness. % +It is amusing that a virtue is made of the vice of chastity; and it's a +pretty odd sort of chastity at that, which leads men straight into the +sin of Onan, and girls to the waning of their color. + -- Voltaire +% +It is an important and popular fact that things are not always what +they seem. For instance, on the planet Earth, man had always assumed +that he was more intelligent than dolphins because he had achieved so +much -- the wheel, New York wars and so on -- whilst all the dolphins +had ever done was muck about in the water having a good time. But +conversely, the dolphins had always believed that they were far more +intelligent than man -- for precisely the same reasons. + +Curiously enough, the dolphins had long known of the impending +destruction of the planet Earth and had made many attempts to +alert mankind to the danger; but most of their communications were +misinterpreted ... + -- Douglas Adams, "The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy" +% It is annoying to be honest to no purpose. -- Publius Ovidius Naso (Ovid) % @@ -22046,6 +30468,13 @@ It is bad luck to be superstitious. [It is] best to confuse only one issue at a time. -- K&R % +It is better for civilization to be going down the drain than to be +coming up it. + -- Henry Allen +% +It is better never to have been born. But who among us has such luck? +One in a million, perhaps. +% It is better to be bow-legged than no-legged. % It is better to be on penicillin, than never to have loved at all. @@ -22062,6 +30491,8 @@ It is better to have loved and lost -- much better. % It is better to have loved and lost than just to have lost. % +It is better to kiss an avocado than to get in a fight with an aardvark. +% It is better to live rich than to die rich. -- Samuel Johnson % @@ -22074,6 +30505,11 @@ and weight yourself down with invisible chains. % It is better to wear out than to rust out. % +It is by the fortune of God that, in this country, we have three +benefits: freedom of speech, freedom of thought, and the wisdom never +to use either. + -- Mark Twain +% It is common sense to take a method and try it. If it fails, admit it frankly and try another. But above all, try something. -- Franklin D. Roosevelt @@ -22097,15 +30533,36 @@ and probing when every twelve minutes one is interrupted by twelve dancing rabbits singing about toilet paper. -- R. Serling % +It is difficult to produce a television documentary that is both +incisive and probing when every twelve minutes one is interrupted by +twelve dancing rabbits singing about toilet paper. + -- Rod Serling +% It is difficult to soar with the eagles when you work with turkeys. % +It is easier for a camel to pass through the eye of a needle if it is +lightly greased. + -- Kehlog Albran, "The Profit" +% It is easier for a camel to pass through the eye of a needle if it is lightly greased. -- Kehlog Albran % +It is easier to be a "humanitarian" than to render your own country its +proper due; it is easier to be a "patriot" than to make your community +a better place to live in; it is easier to be a "civic leader" than to +treat your own family with loving understanding; for the smaller the +focus of attention, the harder the task. + -- Sydney J. Harris +% +It is easier to change the specification to fit the program than vice +versa. +% It is easier to fight for one's principles than to live up to them. -- Alfred Adler % +It is easier to get forgiveness than permission. +% It is easier to make a saint out of a libertine than out of a prig. -- George Santayana % @@ -22114,6 +30571,9 @@ It is easier to resist at the beginning than at the end. % It is easier to run down a hill than up one. % +It is easier to write an incorrect program than understand a correct +one. +% It is easy when we are in prosperity to give advice to the afflicted. -- Aeschylus % @@ -22153,10 +30613,23 @@ It is fruitless: to attempt to indoctrinate a superannuated canine with innovative maneuvers. % +It is generally agreed that "Hello" is an appropriate greeting because +if you entered a room and said "Goodbye," it could confuse a lot of +people. + -- Dolph Sharp, "I'm O.K., You're Not So Hot" +% +It is hard to predict, in particular about the future. + -- Robert Storm Petersen +% It is idle to attempt to talk a young woman out of her passion: love does not lie in the ear. -- Walpole % +It is illegal to drive more than two thousand sheep down Hollywood +Boulevard at one time. +% +It is illegal to say "Oh, Boy" in Jonesboro, Georgia. +% It is imperative when flying coach that you restrain any tendency toward the vividly imaginative. For although it may momentarily appear to be the case, it is not at all likely that the cabin is entirely inhabited by @@ -22175,6 +30648,17 @@ unless one has plenty of work to do. It is impossible to enjoy idling unless there is plenty of work to do. -- Jerome K. Jerome % +It is impossible to experience one's death objectively and still carry +a tune. + -- Woody Allen +% +It is impossible to make anything foolproof because fools are so +ingenious. +% +It is impossible to travel faster than light, and certainly not +desirable, as one's hat keeps blowing off. + -- Woody Allen +% IT IS IN PROCESS: So wrapped up in red tape that the situation is almost hopeless. % @@ -22192,11 +30676,23 @@ they're alone. The world has grown so suspicious of anything that looks like a happy married life. -- Oscar Wilde % +It is Mr. Mellon's credo that $200,000,000 can do no wrong. Our +offense consists in doubting it. + -- Justice Robert H. Jackson +% It is much easier to be critical than to be correct. -- Benjamin Disraeli % +It is much easier to suggest solutions when you know nothing about the +problem. +% It is much harder to find a job than to keep one. % +It is necessary for the welfare of society that genius should be +privileged to utter sedition, to blaspheme, to outrage good taste, to +corrupt the youthful mind, and generally to scandalize one's uncles. + -- George Bernard Shaw +% It is no wonder that people are so horrible when they start life as children. -- Kingsley Amis % @@ -22222,6 +30718,9 @@ It is not enough to have great qualities, we should also have the management of them. -- La Rochefoucauld % +It is not enough to succeed. Others must fail. + -- Gore Vidal +% It is not every question that deserves an answer. -- Publilius Syrus % @@ -22255,6 +30754,10 @@ he'll never be with those cold and timid souls who never know either victory or defeat. -- Teddy Roosevelt % +It is not true that life is one damn thing after another -- it's one +damn thing over and over. + -- Edna St. Vincent Millay +% It is November first 1940; in the famous sound stage of THE WIZARD OF OZ on the MGM lot, a little man is lying face-up on the yellow brick road. His wide eyes stare upward into the blinding stage lights. He is wearing a @@ -22265,6 +30768,11 @@ kind of cute in the typical tinsel-town way if it wasn't for the knife sticking out of his chest. *Someone had murdered a Munchkin.* -- Stuart Kaminsky, "Murder on the Yellow Brick Road" % +It is now 10 p.m. Do you know where Henry Kissinger is? + -- Elizabeth Carpenter +% +It is now pitch dark. If you proceed, you will likely fall into a pit. +% It is now quite lawful for a Catholic woman to avoid pregnancy by a resort to mathematics, though she is still forbidden to resort to physics and chemistry. @@ -22273,6 +30781,10 @@ chemistry. It is often easier to ask for forgiveness than to ask for permission. -- Grace Murray Hopper % +It is one of the superstitions of the human mind to have imagined that +virginity could be a virtue. + -- Voltaire +% It is one thing to praise discipline, and another to submit to it. -- Cervantes % @@ -22281,6 +30793,13 @@ at all. And often enough our faith beforehand in an uncertified result is the only thing that makes the result come true. -- William James % +It is only people of small moral stature who have to stand on their +dignity. +% +It is only the great men who are truly obscene. If they had not dared +to be obscene, they could never have dared to be great. + -- Havelock Ellis +% It is only with the heart one can see clearly; what is essential is invisible to the eye. -- The Fox, "The Little Prince" @@ -22317,6 +30836,10 @@ in all times and situations. They presented him the words: "And this, too, shall pass away." -- Abraham Lincoln % +It is said that the lonely eagle flies to the mountain peaks while the +lowly ant crawls the ground, but cannot the soul of the ant soar as +high as the eagle? +% It is so soon that I am done for, I wonder what I was begun for. -- Epitaph, Cheltenham Churchyard % @@ -22327,9 +30850,26 @@ devil when he is the only explanation of it. It is so very hard to be an on-your-own-take-care-of- yourself-because-there-is-no-one-else-to-do-it-for-you grown up. % +It is something to be able to paint a particular picture, or to carve a +statue, and so to make a few objects beautiful; but it is far more +glorious to carve and paint the very atmosphere and medium through +which we look, which morally we can do. To affect the quality of the +day, that is the highest of arts. + -- Henry David Thoreau, "Where I Live" +% It is sweet to let the mind unbend on occasion. -- Quintus Horatius Flaccus (Horace) % +It is Texas law that when two trains meet each other at a railroad +crossing, each shall come to a full stop, and neither shall proceed +until the other has gone. +% +It is the business of little minds to shrink. + -- Carl Sandburg +% +It is the business of the future to be dangerous. + -- Hawkwind +% It is the nature of extreme self-lovers, as they will set an house on fire, and it were but to roast their eggs. -- Francis Bacon @@ -22346,6 +30886,10 @@ It is through symbols that man consciously or unconsciously lives, works and has his being. -- Thomas Carlyle % +It is true that if your paperboy throws your paper into the bushes for +five straight days it can be explained by Newton's Law of Gravity. But +it takes Murphy's law to explain why it is happening to you. +% It is up to us to produce better-quality movies. -- Lloyd Kaufman, producer of "Stuff Stephanie in the Incinerator" @@ -22386,6 +30930,8 @@ It looked like something resembling white marble, which was probably what it was: something resembling white marble. -- Douglas Adams, "The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy" % +It looks like blind screaming hedonism won out. +% It looks like it's up to me to save our skins. Get into that garbage chute, flyboy! -- Princess Leia Organa @@ -22405,10 +30951,16 @@ It matters not whether you win or lose; what matters is whether *I* win or lose. -- Darrin Weinberg % +It may be bad manners to talk with your mouth full, but it isn't too +good either if you speak when your head is empty. +% It may be better to be a live jackal than a dead lion, but it is better still to be a live lion. And usually easier. -- Lazarus Long % +It may be that your whole purpose in life is simply to serve as a +warning to others. +% It may or may not be worthwhile, but it still has to be done. % It must be remembered that there is nothing more difficult to plan, more @@ -22438,6 +30990,9 @@ they'll come out for it. -- Red Skelton, surveying the funeral of Hollywood mogul Harry Cohn % +"It runs like _x, where _x is something unsavory" + -- Prof. Romas Aleliunas, CS 435 +% It seemed the world was divided into good and bad people. The good ones slept better... while the bad ones seemed to enjoy the waking hours much more. @@ -22456,6 +31011,9 @@ artificial lubrication or foreplay. It seems intuitively obvious to me, which means that it might be wrong. -- Chris Torek % +It seems like the less a statesman amounts to, the more he loves the +flag. +% It seems that more and more mathematicians are using a new, high level language named "research student". % @@ -22468,6 +31026,10 @@ airedale will come clear across the yard for one pat on the head. The average wife is like that. -- Episcopal Bishop James Pike % +It shall be unlawful for any suspicious person to be within the +municipality. + -- Local ordinance, Euclid Ohio +% It takes a smart husband to have the last word and not use it. % It takes a special kind of courage to face what we all have to face. @@ -22492,6 +31054,10 @@ officers there of the perilous situation. The officers in turn called the Air Force, which sent in gunships to scatter the Cubans and relieve the unit. -- Aviation Week and Space Technology % +It took me fifteen years to discover that I had no talent for writing, +but I couldn't give up because by that time I was too famous. + -- Robert Benchley +% It turned out that the worm exploited three or four different holes in the system. From this, and the fact that we were able to capture and examine some of the source code, we realized that we were dealing with someone very @@ -22508,6 +31074,8 @@ I did it all for thrills. It usually takes more than three weeks to prepare a good impromptu speech. -- Mark Twain % +It was a book to kill time for those who liked it better dead. +% It was a brave man that ate the first oyster. % It was a fine, sweet night, the nicest since my divorce, maybe the nicest @@ -22515,12 +31083,20 @@ since the middle of my marriage. There was energy, softness, grace and laughter. I even took my socks off. In my circle, that means class. -- Andrew Bergman "The Big Kiss-off of 1944" % +It was a virgin forest, a place where the Hand of Man had never set +foot. +% It was all so different before everything changed. % It was kinda like stuffing the wrong card in a computer, when you're stickin' those artificial stimulants in your arm. -- Dion, noted computer scientist % +It was one of those perfect summer days -- the sun was shining, a +breeze was blowing, the birds were singing, and the lawn mower was +broken ... + -- James Dent +% It was one time too many One word too few It was all too much for me and you @@ -22536,6 +31112,16 @@ It was pity stayed his hand. "Pity I don't have any more bullets," thought Frito. -- Harvard Lampoon, "Bored of the Rings" % +"It was pleasant to me to get a letter from you the other day. Perhaps +I should have found it pleasanter if I had been able to decipher it. I +don't think that I mastered anything beyond the date (which I knew) and +the signature (which I guessed at). There's a singular and a perpetual +charm in a letter of yours; it never grows old, it never loses its +novelty ... Other letters are read and thrown away and forgotten, but +yours are kept forever -- unread. One of them will last a reasonable +man a lifetime." + -- Thomas Aldrich +% It was raining heavily, and the motorist had car trouble on a lonely country road. Anxious to find shelter for the night, he walked over to a farmhouse and knocked on the front door. No one responded. He could feel the water @@ -22560,6 +31146,22 @@ would have been more wonderful to miss it. It wasn't exactly a divorce -- I was traded. -- Tim Conway % +It wasn't that she had a rose in her teeth, exactly. It was more like +the rose and the teeth were in the same glass. +% +It will be advantageous to cross the great stream ... the Dragon is on +the wing in the Sky ... the Great Man rouses himself to his Work. +% +It will be generally found that those who sneer habitually at human +nature and affect to despise it, are among its worst and least pleasant +examples. + -- Charles Dickens +% +It would be nice if the Food and Drug Administration stopped issuing +warnings about toxic substances and just gave me the names of one or +two things still safe to eat. + -- Robert Fuoss +% It would be nice to be sure of anything the way some people are of everything. % @@ -22582,6 +31184,14 @@ It's a brave man who, when things are at their darkest, can kick back and party! -- Dennis Quaid, "Inner Space" % +It's a damn poor mind that can only think of one way to spell a word. + -- Andrew Jackson +% +It's a dog-eat-dog world out there, and I'm wearing Milkbone underwear. + -- Cheers +% +It's a good thing we don't get all the government we pay for. +% It's a naive, domestic operating system without any breeding, but I think you'll be amused by its presumption. % @@ -22591,6 +31201,17 @@ It's a recession when your neighbor loses his job; it's a depression when you lose yours. -- Harry S. Truman % +It's a small world, but I wouldn't want to have to paint it. + -- Steven Wright +% +"It's a summons." +"What's a summons?" +"It means summon's in trouble." + -- Rocky and Bullwinkle +% +It's a very *__UN*lucky week in which to be took dead. + -- Churchy La Femme +% It's all in the mind, ya know. % It's all right letting yourself go as long as you can let yourself back. @@ -22607,6 +31228,10 @@ then at the last lie down in some hole in the ground forever. Who could have thought it up, I wonder?" -- James Purdy % +It's always a long day; 86400 doesn't fit into a short. +% +It's always darkest just before it gets pitch black. +% It's always darkest just before the lights go out. -- Alex Clark % @@ -22623,9 +31248,15 @@ It's amazing how nice people are to you when they know you're going away. It's bad enough that life is a rat-race, but why do the rats always have to win? % +It's bad luck to be superstitious. + -- Andrew W. Mathis +% It's better to be quotable than to be honest. -- Tom Stoppard % +It's better to be wanted for murder than not to be wanted at all. + -- Marty Winch +% It's better to burn out than it is to rust. % It's better to burn out than to fade away. @@ -22638,9 +31269,21 @@ It's clever, but is it art? % It's difficult to see the picture when you are inside the frame. % +"It's easier said than done." + +... and if you don't believe it, try proving that it's easier done than +said, and you'll see that "it's easier said that `it's easier done than +said' than it is done", which really proves that "it's easier said than +done". +% It's easier to be a liberal a long way from home. -- Don Price % +It's easier to fight for one's principles than to live up to them. +% +It's easier to get forgiveness for being wrong than forgiveness for +being right. +% It's easier to take it apart than to put it back together. -- Washlesky % @@ -22649,6 +31292,10 @@ it's much harder to forgive them for being right. % It's easy to make a friend. What's hard is to make a stranger. % +"It's Fabulous! We haven't seen anything like it in the last half an +hour!" + -- Macy's +% Its failings notwithstanding, there is much to be said in favor of journalism in that by giving us the opinion of the uneducated, it keeps us in touch with the ignorance of the community. @@ -22696,18 +31343,39 @@ It's hard to outrun dead people because they don't have to breathe. It's hard to think of you as the end result of millions of years of evolution. % +It's illegal in Wilbur, Washington, to ride an ugly horse. +% It's important that people know what you stand for. It's more important that they know what you won't stand for. % It's interesting to think that many quite distinguished people have bodies similar to yours. % +It's is not, it isn't ain't, and it's it's, not its, if you mean it is. +If you don't, it's its. Then too, it's hers. It isn't her's. It isn't +our's either. It's ours, and likewise yours and theirs. + -- Oxford University Press, "Edpress News" +% +It's just a jump to the left + And then a step to the right. +Put your hands on your hips + You bring your knees in tight. +But it's the pelvic thrust + That really drives you insa-a-a-a-a-ane! + + LET'S DO THE TIME WARP AGAIN! + + -- Rocky Horror Picture Show +% It's just apartment house rules, So all you 'partment house fools Remember: one man's ceiling is another man's floor. One man's ceiling is another man's floor. -- Paul Simon, "One Man's Ceiling Is Another Man's Floor" % +"It's kind of fun to do the impossible." + -- Walt Disney +% It's later than you think. % It's later than you think, the joint @@ -22716,6 +31384,21 @@ Russian-American space mission has already begun. It's like deja vu all over again. -- Yogi Berra % +"It's Like This" + +Even the samurai +have teddy bears, +and even the teddy bears +get drunk. +% +It's lucky you're going so slowly, because you're going in the wrong +direction. +% +"It's men like him that give the Y chromosome a bad name." +% +It's more than magnificent -- it's mediocre. + -- Sam Goldwyn +% It's multiple choice time... What is FORTRAN? @@ -22734,24 +31417,54 @@ It's no longer a question of staying healthy. It's a question of finding a sickness you like. -- Jackie Mason % +It's no surprise that things are so screwed up: everyone that knows how +to run a government is either driving taxicabs or cutting hair. + -- George Burns +% It's no use crying over spilt milk -- it only makes it salty for the cat. % It's not against any religion to want to dispose of a pigeon. -- Tom Lehrer % +It's not an optical illusion, it just looks like one. + -- Phil White +% +"It's not Camelot, but it's not Cleveland, either." + -- Kevin White, mayor of Boston +% It's not easy being green. -- Kermit % +It's not enough to be Hungarian; you must have talent too. + -- Alexander Korda +% It's not hard to admit errors that are [only] cosmetically wrong. -- J. K. Galbraith % +"It's not just a computer -- it's your ass." + -- Cal Keegan +% +It's not reality or how you perceive things that's important -- it's +what you're taking for it... +% It's not reality that's important, but how you perceive things. % +It's not so hard to lift yourself by your bootstraps once you're off +the ground. + -- Daniel B. Luten +% +It's not that I'm afraid to die. I just don't want to be there when it +happens. + -- Woody Allen +% It's not the fall that kills you, it's the landing. % It's not the men in my life, but the life in my men that counts. -- Mae West % +It's not the valleys in life I dread so much as the dips. + -- Garfield +% It's not whether you win or lose but how you look playing the game. % It's not whether you win or lose but how you played the game. @@ -22761,6 +31474,11 @@ It's not whether you win or lose, it's how you look playing the game. % It's not whether you win or lose, it's how you place the blame. % +It's odd, and a little unsettling, to reflect upon the fact that +English is the only major language in which "I" is capitalized; in many +other languages "You" is capitalized and the "i" is lower case. + -- Sydney J. Harris +% It's only by NOT taking the human race seriously that I retain what fragments of my once considerable mental powers I still possess. -- Roger Noe @@ -22779,6 +31497,10 @@ It's pretty hard to tell what does bring happiness; poverty and wealth have both failed. -- Kin Hubbard % +It's raisins that make Post Raisin Bran so raisiny ... +% +It's really quite a simple choice: Life, Death, or Los Angeles. +% It's reassuring to know that if you behave strangely enough, society will take full responsibility for you. % @@ -22802,6 +31524,9 @@ So ask me just one question when this magic night is through, Could it have been just anyone or did it have to be you? -- Billy Joel, "Glass Houses" % +It's so stupid of modern civilization to have given up believing in the +Devil when he is the only explanation for it. +% It's sweet to be remembered, but it's often cheaper to be forgotten. % It's ten o'clock; do you know where your processes are? @@ -22809,10 +31534,17 @@ It's ten o'clock; do you know where your processes are? It's the good girls who keep the diaries, the bad girls never have the time. -- Tallulah Bankhead % +It's the opinion of some that crops could be grown on the moon. Which +raises the fear that it may not be long before we're paying somebody +not to. + -- Franklin P. Jones +% It's the same old story; boy meets beer, boy drinks beer... boy gets another beer. -- Cheers % +It's the thought, if any, that counts! +% "It's today!" said Piglet. "My favorite day," said Pooh. % @@ -22874,10 +31606,36 @@ A month ago. % I've been there. % +I've built a better model than the one at Data General +For data bases vegetable, animal, and mineral +My OS handles CPUs with multiplexed duality; +My PL/1 compiler shows impressive functionality. +My storage system's better than magnetic core polarity, +You never have to bother checking out a bit for parity; +There isn't any reason to install non-static floor matting; +My disk drive has capacity for variable formatting. + +I feel compelled to mention what I know to be a gloating point: +There's lots of room in memory for variables floating-point, +Which shows for input vegetable, animal, and mineral +I've built a better model than the one at Data General. + + -- Steve Levine, "A Computer Song" (To the tune of + "Modern Major General", from "Pirates of Penzance", + by Gilbert & Sullivan) +% +I've enjoyed just about as much of this as I can stand. +% I've finally learned what "upward compatible" means. It means we get to keep all our old mistakes. -- Dennie van Tassel % +I've found my niche. If you're wondering why I'm not there, there was +this little hole in the bottom ... + -- John Croll +% +I've given up reading books; I find it takes my mind off myself. +% I've got a very bad feeling about this. -- Han Solo % @@ -22887,6 +31645,12 @@ I've got all the money I'll ever need if I die by 4 o'clock. I've got some powdered water, but I don't know what to add. -- Stephen Wright % +I've had a perfectly wonderful evening. But this wasn't it. + -- Groucho Marx +% +I've known him as a man, as an adolescent and as a child -- sometimes +on the same day. +% I've looked at the listing, and it's right! -- Joel Halpern % @@ -22915,6 +31679,11 @@ I've noticed several design suggestions in your code. % I've only got 12 cards. % +"I've seen better heads on half a pint of beer." +% +"I've seen, I SAY, I've seen better heads on a mug of beer" + -- Senator Claghorn +% I've spent almost all of my life with highly intelligent men. They're not like other men. Their spirit is great and stimulating. They hate strife; indeed they reject it. Their inventive gifts are boundless. They demand @@ -22922,10 +31691,21 @@ devotion and obedience. And a sense of humor. I happily gave all of this. I was lucky to be chosen and clever enough to understand them. -- Marlene Dietrich, on her friendship with Ernest Hemingway % +I've touch'd the highest point of all my greatness; +And from that full meridian of my glory +I haste now to my setting. I shall fall, +Like a bright exhalation in the evening +And no man see me more. + -- William Shakespeare +% I've tried several varieties of sex. The conventional position makes me claustrophobic, and the others either give me a stiff neck or lockjaw. -- Tallulah Bankhead % +Jacquin's Postulate on Democratic Government: + No man's life, liberty, or property are safe while the +legislature is in session. +% jake hates all the girls(the shy ones, the bold paul scorns all @@ -22946,6 +31726,10 @@ all except ones; the mean except the green ones -- e. e. cummings % +James Joyce -- an essentially private man who wished his total +indifference to public notice to be universally recognized. + -- Tom Stoppard +% James McNeill Whistler's (painter of "Whistler's Mother") failure in his West Point chemistry examination once provoked him to remark in later life, "If silicon had been a gas, I should have been a major general." @@ -22969,6 +31753,13 @@ Japan, n: % Jealousy is all the fun you think they have. % +Jenkinson's Law: + It won't work. +% +Jesus Saves, +Moses Invests, +But only Buddha pays Dividends. +% Jim, it's Grace at the bank. I checked your Christmas Club account. You don't have five-hundred dollars. You have fifty. Sorry, computer foul-up! % @@ -22992,6 +31783,9 @@ JOB INTERVIEW: The excruciating process during which personnel officers separate the wheat from the chaff -- then hire the chaff. % +Job Placement, n.: + Telling your boss what he can do with your job. +% Joe Cool always spends the first two weeks at college sailing his frisbee. -- Snoopy % @@ -23005,6 +31799,8 @@ your income-tax evasion to the I.R.S..." "That's all right, dearest, don't give it a second thought," whispered Joe. "I'm the one who poisoned you." % +Joe's sister puts spaghetti in her shoes! +% jogger, n: An odd sort of person with a thing for pain. % @@ -23033,12 +31829,22 @@ Johnny Carson's Definition: in Manhattan between the traffic signal turning green and the taxi driver behind you blowing his horn. % +Johnson's First Law: + When any mechanical contrivance fails, it will do so at the +most inconvenient possible time. +% Johnson's law: Systems resemble the organizations that create them. % +Join in the new game that's sweeping the country. It's called +"Bureaucracy". Everybody stands in a circle. The first person to do +anything loses. +% Join the army, see the world, meet interesting, exciting people, and kill them. % +Join the march to save individuality! +% Join the Navy; sail to far-off exotic lands, meet exciting interesting people, and kill them. % @@ -23048,6 +31854,19 @@ Jones' First Law: obstruction to its progress -- in direct proportion to the importance of their original contribution. % +Jone's Law: + The man who smiles when things go wrong has thought of someone +to blame it on. +% +Jone's Motto: + Friends come and go, but enemies accumulate. +% +Jones's First Law: + Anyone who makes a significant contribution to any field of +endeavor, and stays in that field long enough, becomes an obstruction +to its progress -- in direct proportion to the importance of their +original contribution. +% Joshu: What is the true Way? Nansen: Every way is the true Way. J: Can I study it? @@ -23102,11 +31921,29 @@ Driving me to the airport And to the friendly skies. -- Crosby, Stills, Nash, "Just a Song Before I Go" % +Just about every computer on the market today runs Unix, except the Mac +(and nobody cares about it). + -- Bill Joy 6/21/85 +% Just as I cannot remember any time when I could not read and write, I cannot remember any time when I did not exercise my imagination in daydreams about women. -- George Bernard Shaw % +Just as most issues are seldom black or white, so are most good +solutions seldom black or white. Beware of the solution that requires +one side to be totally the loser and the other side to be totally the +winner. The reason there are two sides to begin with usually is +because neither side has all the facts. Therefore, when the wise +mediator effects a compromise, he is not acting from political +motivation. Rather, he is acting from a deep sense of respect for the +whole truth. + -- Stephen R. Schwambach +% +Just because everything is different doesn't mean anything has +changed. + -- Irene Peter +% Just because he's dead is no reason to lay off work. % Just because I turn down a contract on a guy doesn't mean he isn't @@ -23124,12 +31961,20 @@ what I mean. Just because you like my stuff doesn't mean I owe you anything. -- Bob Dylan % +Just because your doctor has a name for your condition doesn't mean he +knows what it is. +% +Just because you're paranoid doesn't mean they AREN'T after you. +% Just close your eyes, tap your heels together three times, and think to yourself, `There's no place like home.' -- Glynda % Just give Alice some pencils and she will stay busy for hours. % +Just go with the flow control, roll with the crunches, and, when you +get a prompt, type like hell. +% Just how difficult it is to write biography can be reckoned by anybody who sits down and considers just how many people know the real truth about his or her love affairs. @@ -23143,9 +31988,37 @@ What a beautiful world this will be, What a glorious time to be free. -- Donald Fagon, "What A Beautiful World" % +Just once, I wish we would encounter an alien menace that wasn't +immune to bullets. + -- Brigadier Lethbridge-Stewart, "Doctor Who" +% +"Just out of curiosity does this actually mean something or have some +of the few remaining bits of your brain just evaporated?" + -- Patricia O Tuama, rissa@killer.DALLAS.TX.US +% +"Just remember, it all started with a mouse." + -- Walt Disney +% +Just remember: when you go to court, you are trusting your fate to +twelve people that weren't smart enough to get out of jury duty! +% Just remember, wherever you go, there you are. -- Buckaroo Banzai % +`Just the place for a Snark!' the Bellman cried, + As he landed his crew with care; +Supporting each man on the top of the tide + By a finger entwined in his hair. + +`Just the place for a Snark! I have said it twice: + That alone should encourage the crew. +Just the place for a Snark! I have said it thrice: + What I tell you three times is true.' +% +Just think -- blessed SCSI cables! Do a big enough sacrifice and create +a +5 blessed SCSI cable of connectivity. + -- Lionel Lauer +% Just to have it is enough. % Just weigh your own hurt against the hurt @@ -23154,6 +32027,9 @@ of all the others, and then do what's best. % Just what does "it" mean in the sentence, "What time is it?" % +Just when you thought you were winning the rat race, along comes a +faster rat!!! +% Just yesterday morning, they let me know you were gone, Suzanne, the plans they made put an end to you, I went out this morning and I wrote down this song, @@ -23166,6 +32042,21 @@ But I always thought that I'd see you again. Thought I'd see you one more time again. -- James Taylor, "Fire and Rain" % +Justice always prevails ... three times out of seven! + -- Michael J. Wagner +% +Justice is incidental to law and order. + -- J. Edgar Hoover +% +Justice, n.: + A decision in your favor. +% +K: Cobalt's metal, hard and shining; + Cobol's wordy and confining; + KOBOLDS topple when you strike them; + Don't feel bad, it's hard to like them. + -- The Roguelet's ABC +% Kafka's Law: In the fight between you and the world, back the world. -- Franz Kafka, "RS's 1974 Expectation of Days" @@ -23175,6 +32066,9 @@ Kamikazes do it once. KANSAS: Where the men are men and so are the women! % +Kansas state law requires pedestrians crossing the highways at night to +wear tail lights. +% Karlson's Theorem of Snack Food Packages: For all P, where P is a package of snack food, P is a SINGLE-SERVING @@ -23191,6 +32085,10 @@ Ed: It's all any reasonable child can expect if the dad is present -- Joe Orton, "Entertaining Mr. Sloane" % Katz' Law: + Man and nations will act rationally when all other +possibilities have been exhausted. +% +Katz' Law: Men and nations will act rationally when all other possibilities have been exhausted. @@ -23209,6 +32107,8 @@ Kaufman's Law: Keep a diary and one day it'll keep you. -- Mae West % +Keep America beautiful. Swallow your beer cans. +% Keep ancient lands, your storied pomp! cries she With silent lips. Give me your tired, your poor, Your huddled masses yearning to breathe free, @@ -23216,6 +32116,13 @@ The wretched refuse of your teeming shore. Send these, the homeless, tempest-tossed to me... -- Emma Lazarus, "The New Colossus" % +Keep Cool, but Don't Freeze + -- Hellman's Mayonnaise +% +Keep emotionally active. Cater to your favorite neurosis. +% +Keep grandma off the streets -- legalize bingo. +% Keep in mind always the four constant Laws of Frisbee: 1) The most powerful force in the world is that of a disc straining to land under a car, just out of reach (this @@ -23231,6 +32138,13 @@ Keep in mind always the four constant Laws of Frisbee: Frisbee will invariably bounce out of your hand or hit you in the head and knock you silly. % +Keep in mind always the two constant Laws of Frisbee: + (1) The most powerful force in the world is that of a disc + straining to land under a car, just out of reach (this + force is technically termed "car suck"). + (2) Never precede any maneuver by a comment more predictive + than "Watch this!" +% Keep it short for pithy sake. % Keep on keepin' on. @@ -23253,6 +32167,13 @@ at the end of six months. % Keep your boss's boss off your boss's back. % +Keep your Eye on the Ball, +Your Shoulder to the Wheel, +Your Nose to the Grindstone, +Your Feet on the Ground, +Your Head on your Shoulders. +Now ... try to get something DONE! +% Keep your eyes wide open before marriage, half shut afterwards. -- Benjamin Franklin % @@ -23261,6 +32182,13 @@ Keep your laws off my body! Keep your mouth shut and people will think you stupid; Open it and you remove all doubt. % +Ken Thompson has an automobile which he helped design. Unlike most +automobiles, it has neither speedometer, nor gas gage, nor any of the +numerous idiot lights which plague the modern driver. Rather, if the +driver makes any mistake, a giant "?" lights up in the center of the +dashboard. "The experienced driver", he says, "will usually know +what's wrong." +% Kennedy's Market Theorem: Given enough inside information and unlimited credit, you've got to go broke. @@ -23277,6 +32205,10 @@ KERNEL: A part of an operating system that preserves the medieval traditions of sorcery and black art. % +Kerr's Three Rules for a Successful College: + Have plenty of football for the alumni, sex for the students, +and parking for the faculty. +% Kettering's Observation: Logic is an organized way of going wrong with confidence. % @@ -23290,6 +32222,15 @@ dad primate. Then you'd see the primate teenager stomp up to his branch and slam the leaves. -- Dave Barry % +Kids have *_____never* taken guidance from their parents. If you could +travel back in time and observe the original primate family in the +original tree, you would see the primate parents yelling at the primate +teenager for sitting around and sulking all day instead of hunting for +grubs and berries like dad primate. Then you'd see the primate +teenager stomp up to his branch and slam the leaves. + -- Dave Barry, "Kids Today: They Don't Know Dum Diddly + Do" +% Kill a commy for your mommy. % Kill 'em all, and let God sort 'em out. @@ -23311,6 +32252,9 @@ Kilroe hic erat! Kime's Law for the Reward of Meekness: Turning the other cheek merely ensures two bruised cheeks. % +Kin, n.: + An affliction of the blood. +% Kindness is a language which the deaf can hear and the blind can read. -- Mark Twain % @@ -23322,13 +32266,28 @@ Kington's Law of Perforation: as a sheet of stamps or a check, that line becomes the strongest part of the paper. % +Kinkler's First Law: + Responsibility always exceeds authority. + +Kinkler's Second Law: + All the easy problems have been solved. +% Kirk to Enterprise... % +Kirk to Enterprise -- beam down yeoman Rand and a six-pack. +% +Kirkland, Illinois, law forbids bees to fly over the village or through +any of its streets. +% Kiss a non-smoker; taste the difference. % Kiss me, Kate, we will be married o' Sunday. -- William Shakespeare, "The Taming of the Shrew" % +Kiss me twice. I'm schizophrenic. +% +Kiss your keyboard goodbye! +% Kissing a fish is like smoking a bicycle. % Kissing a smoker is like licking an ashtray. @@ -23350,6 +32309,14 @@ Klatu barada nikto. % Kleeneness is next to Godelness. % +Klein bottle for rent -- inquire within. +% +Klein bottle for sale ... inquire within. +% +Kleptomaniac, n.: + A rich thief. + -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary" +% Kliban's First Law of Dining: Never eat anything bigger than your head. % @@ -23405,6 +32372,11 @@ GOOD! % Know Thy User. % +Know thyself. If you need help, call the C.I.A. +% +Know what I hate most? Rhetorical questions. + -- Henry N. Camp +% KNOWLEDGE: Things you believe. % @@ -23433,11 +32405,19 @@ KROGT: on fast-food game cards. -- Rich Hall & Friends, "Sniglets" % +Krogt, n. (chemical symbol: Kr): + The metallic silver coating found on fast-food game cards. + -- Rich Hall, "Sniglets" +% LA: Where the only way to determine that the seasons have changed is to note that people have changed the main topic of conversation. From mud slides to brush fires. % +Labor, n.: + One of the processes by which A acquires property for B. + -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary" +% Labor, n: One of the processes whereby A acquires property for B. -- Ambrose Bierce @@ -23447,6 +32427,16 @@ Lack of capability is usually disguised by lack of interest. Lack of money is the root of all evil. -- George Bernard Shaw % +Lackland's Laws: + (1) Never be first. + (2) Never be last. + (3) Never volunteer for anything. +% +Lactomangulation, n.: + Manhandling the "open here" spout on a milk carton so badly +that one has to resort to using the "illegal" side. + -- Rich Hall, "Sniglets" +% La-dee-dee, la-dee-dah. % Ladies and Gentlemen, Hobos and Tramps, @@ -23510,6 +32500,18 @@ white meat or dark meat." Churchill apologized profusely. her guest of honor. The accompanying card read: "I would be most obliged if you would pin this on your white meat." % +Ladybug, ladybug, +Look to your stern! +Your house is on fire, +Your children will burn! +So jump ye and sing, for +The very first time +The four lines above +Have been put into rhyme. + -- Walt Kelly +% +Laetrile is the pits. +% Lake Erie died for your sins. % ((lambda (foo) (bar foo)) (baz)) @@ -23522,6 +32524,11 @@ of the candy. Just than, Cranston walked in, spied the manservant at the candy, and said: "Pardon me Choy, is that the Shadow's nugate you chew?" % +Langsam's Laws: + (1) Everything depends. + (2) Nothing is always. + (3) Everything is sometimes. +% Language is a virus from another planet. -- William Burroughs % @@ -23551,12 +32558,33 @@ Yorkshire. Disappointingly, she passed at the fortieth attempt (3 August reported as saying that she still didn't like doing right-hand turns. -- Stephen Pile, "The Book of Heroic Failures" % +Larkinson's Law: + All laws are basically false. +% LASER: Failed death ray. % +Lassie looked brilliant, in part because the farm family she lived with +was made up of idiots. Remember? One of them was always getting +pinned under the tractor, and Lassie was always rushing back to the +farmhouse to alert the other ones. She'd whimper and tug at their +sleeves, and they'd always waste precious minutes saying things: "Do +you think something's wrong? Do you think she wants us to follow her? +What is it, girl?", etc., as if this had never happened before, instead +of every week. What with all the time these people spent pinned under +the tractor, I don't see how they managed to grow any crops +whatsoever. They probably got by on federal crop supports, which +Lassie filed the applications for. + -- Dave Barry +% Last guys don't finish nice. -- Stanley Kelley, on the cult of victory at all costs % +"Last night, I came home and realized that everything in my apartment +had been stolen and replaced with an exact duplicate. I told this to +my friend -- he said, `Do I know you?'" + -- Steven Wright +% Last night I dreamed I ate a ten-pound marshmallow, and when I woke up the pillow was gone. -- Tommy Cooper @@ -23570,6 +32598,10 @@ Last night the power went out. Good thing my camera had a flash.... The neighbors thought it was lightning in my house, so they called the cops. -- Stephen Wright % +"Last week a cop stopped me in my car. He asked me if I had a police +record. I said, no, but I have the new DEVO album. Cops have no sense +of humor." +% Last week's pet, this week's special. % Last year we drove across the country... We switched on the driving... @@ -23577,6 +32609,8 @@ every half mile. We had one cassette tape to listen to on the entire trip. I don't remember what it was. -- Stephen Wright % +Last yeer I kudn't spel Engineer. Now I are won. +% Latin is a language, As dead as can be. First it killed the Romans, @@ -23588,10 +32622,15 @@ Laugh and the world laughs with you, snore and you sleep alone. % Laugh and the world thinks you're an idiot. % +Laugh at your problems; everybody else does. +% Laugh when you can; cry when you must. % Laughing at you is like drop kicking a wounded humming bird. % +"Laughter is the closest distance between two people." + -- Victor Borge +% Laura's Law: No child throws up in the bathroom. % @@ -23602,17 +32641,37 @@ Law enforcement officers should use only the minimum force necessary in dealing with disorders when they arise. -- Richard Nixon % +Law of Communications: + The inevitable result of improved and enlarged communications +between different levels in a hierarchy is a vastly increased area of +misunderstanding. +% Law of Continuity: Experiments should be reproducible. They should all fail the same way. % +Law of Probable Dispersal: + Whatever it is that hits the fan will not be evenly +distributed. +% Law of Procrastination: Procrastination avoids boredom; one never has the feeling that there is nothing important to do. % +Law of Selective Gravity: + An object will fall so as to do the most damage. + +Jenning's Corollary: + The chance of the bread falling with the buttered side down is +directly proportional to the cost of the carpet. +% Law of the Jungle: He who hesitates is lunch. % +Law of the Perversity of Nature: + You cannot successfully determine beforehand which side of the +bread to butter. +% Law of the Yukon: Only the lead dog gets a change of scenery. % @@ -23636,6 +32695,13 @@ Laws of Computer Programming: 7. Program complexity grows until it exceeds the capability of the programmer who must maintain it. % +Laws of Serendipity: + + (1) In order to discover anything, you must be looking for + something. + (2) If you wish to make an improved product, you must already + be engaged in making an inferior one. +% LAWSUIT: A machine which you go into as a pig and come out as a sausage. -- Ambrose Bierce @@ -23659,6 +32725,10 @@ Have failed to notice is that herds Of bears may come with buns And steal the bags to hold the crumbs. % +Lazlo's Chinese Relativity Axiom: + No matter how great your triumphs or how tragic your defeats -- +approximately one billion Chinese couldn't care less. +% LAZY: Marrying a pregnant woman. % @@ -23671,6 +32741,8 @@ Learn from other people's mistakes, you don't have time to make your own. % Learn to pause -- or nothing worthwhile can catch up to you. % +Learned men are the cisterns of knowledge, not the fountainheads. +% Learning at some schools is like drinking from a firehose. % LEARNING CURVE: @@ -23678,6 +32750,10 @@ LEARNING CURVE: in the 1970's, asserting that the more you do something the quicker you can do it. % +Learning French is trivial: the word for horse is cheval, and +everything else follows in the same way. + -- Alan J. Perlis +% Learning without thought is labor lost; thought without learning is perilous. -- Confucius @@ -23689,6 +32765,21 @@ Lee's Law: Mother said there would be days like this, but she never said that there'd be so many! % +Left to themselves, things tend to go from bad to worse. +% +Legalize free-enterprise murder: why should governments have all the +fun? +% +Legislation proposed in the Illinois State Legislature, May, 1907: + "Speed upon county roads will be limited to ten miles an hour +unless the motorist sees a bailiff who does not appear to have had a +drink in 30 days, when the driver will be permitted to make what he +can." +% +Leibowitz's Rule: + When hammering a nail, you will never hit your finger if you +hold the hammer with both hands. +% Lemma: All horses are the same color. Proof (by induction): Case n = 1: In a set with only one horse, it is obvious that all @@ -23722,6 +32813,19 @@ LEO (Jul. 23 to Aug. 22) Look over your shoulder; an ugly person may be following you. Be on your toes. Brush your teeth. Take Geritol. % +LEO (July 23 - Aug 22) + You consider yourself a born leader. Others think you are + pushy. Most Leo people are bullies. You are vain and dislike + honest criticism. Your arrogance is disgusting. Leo people + are thieves. +% +LEO (July 23 - Aug 22) + Your determination and sense of humor will come to the fore. + Your ability to laugh at adversity will be a blessing because + you've got a day coming you wouldn't believe. As a matter of + fact, if you can laugh at what happens to you today, you've got + a sick sense of humor. +% Lesbian QOTD: I didn't give up sex, I just gave up premature ejaculation. % @@ -23730,9 +32834,16 @@ Let a fool hold his tongue and he will pass for a sage. % Let he who takes the plunge remember to return it by Tuesday. % +Let He who taketh the Plunge Remember to return it by Tuesday. +% Let him choose out of my files, his projects to accomplish. -- William Shakespeare, "Coriolanus" % +"Let me assure you that to us here at First National, you're not just a +number. You're two numbers, a dash, three more numbers, another dash +and another number." + -- James Estes +% Let me not to the marriage of true minds Admit impediments. Love is not love Which alters when it alteration finds, @@ -23808,6 +32919,12 @@ To lead you to an overwhelming question... Oh, do not ask, "What is it?" -- T. S. Eliot, "Love song of J. Alfred Prufrock" % +Let us live!!! +Let us love!!! +Let us share the deepest secrets of our souls!!! + +You first. +% Let us never negotiate out of fear, but let us never fear to negotiate. -- John F. Kennedy @@ -23836,6 +32953,15 @@ Let's do it. Let's just be friends and make no special effort to ever see each other again. % +Let's just say that where a change was required, I adjusted. In every +relationship that exists, people have to seek a way to survive. If you +really care about the person, you do what's necessary, or that's the +end. For the first time, I found that I really could change, and the +qualities I most admired in myself I gave up. I stopped being loud and +bossy ... Oh, all right. I was still loud and bossy, but only behind +his back." + -- Kate Hepburn, on Tracy and Hepburn +% Let's love each other slowly, reaching for a plane, of exquisite pleasure, @@ -23850,15 +32976,65 @@ Let's organize this thing and take all the fun out of it. Let's remind ourselves that last year's fresh idea is today's cliche. -- Austen Briggs % +Let's say your wedding ring falls into your toaster, and when you stick +your hand in to retrieve it, you suffer Pain and Suffering as well as +Mental Anguish. You would sue: + +* The toaster manufacturer, for failure to include, in the instructions + section that says you should never never never ever stick you hand + into the toaster, the statement "Not even if your wedding ring falls + in there". + +* The store where you bought the toaster, for selling it to an obvious + cretin like yourself. + +* Union Carbide Corporation, which is not directly responsible in this + case, but which is feeling so guilty that it would probably send you + a large cash settlement anyway. + -- Dave Barry +% +Let's talk about how to fill out your 1984 tax return. Here's an often +overlooked accounting technique that can save you thousands of +dollars: For several days before you put it in the mail, carry your +tax return around under your armpit. No IRS agent is going to want to +spend hours poring over a sweat-stained document. So even if you owe +money, you can put in for an enormous refund and the agent will +probably give it to you, just to avoid an audit. What does he care? +It's not his money. + -- Dave Barry, "Sweating Out Taxes" +% +LETTERS TO THE EDITOR (The Times of London) + +Dear Sir, + +I am firmly opposed to the spread of microchips either to the home or +to the office. We have more than enough of them foisted upon us in +public places. They are a disgusting Americanism, and can only result +in the farmers being forced to grow smaller potatoes, which in turn +will cause massive unemployment in the already severely depressed +agricultural industry. + +Yours faithfully, + Capt. Quinton D'Arcy, J. P. + Sevenoaks +% LEVERAGE: Even if someone doesn't care what the world thinks about them, they always hope their mother doesn't find out. % Leveraging always beats prototyping. % +Lewis's Law of Travel: + The first piece of luggage out of the chute doesn't belong to +anyone, ever. +% L'hazard ne favorise que l'esprit prepare. -- L. Pasteur % +Liar, n.: + A lawyer with a roving commission. + -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary" +% Liar: one who tells an unpleasant truth. -- Oliver Herford % @@ -23872,6 +33048,21 @@ trouble. Conservatives are better. They never run out on you. Liberty don't work as good in practice as it does in speeches. -- The Best of Will Rogers % +Liberty is always dangerous, but it is the safest thing we have. + -- Harry Emerson Fosdick +% +LIBRA (Sep. 23 to Oct. 22) + Your desire for justice and truth will be overshadowed by your + desire for filthy lucre and a decent meal. Be gracious and + polite. Someone is watching you, so stop staring like that. +% +LIBRA (Sept 23 - Oct 22) + You are the artistic type and have a difficult time with + reality. If you are a man, you are more than likely gay. + Chances for employment and monetary gains are excellent. Most + Libra women are prostitutes. All Libra people die of venereal + disease. +% LIBRA (Sept 23 - Oct 23) Major achievements, new friends, and a previously unexplored way to make a lot of money will come to a lot of people today, but @@ -23882,6 +33073,13 @@ LIE: A very poor substitute for the truth, but the only one discovered to date. % +Lie, n.: + A very poor substitute for the truth, but the only one +discovered to date. +% +Lieberman's Law: + Everybody lies, but it doesn't matter since nobody listens. +% Lieberman's Law: Everybody lies, but it doesn't matter, cuz nobody listens. % @@ -23961,6 +33159,10 @@ humane person would wantonly inflict on someone else. % Life is a sexually transferred disease with 100% mortality. % +Life is a whim of several billion cells to be you for a while. +% +Life is a yo-yo, and mankind ties knots in the string. +% Life is an exciting business, and most exciting when it is lived for others. % @@ -23982,16 +33184,26 @@ Life is knowing how far to go without crossing the line. Life is like a 10 speed bicycle. Most of us have gears we never use. -- C. Schultz % +"Life is like a bowl of soup with hairs floating on it. You have to +eat it nevertheless." + -- Flaubert +% +"Life is like a buffet; it's not good but there's plenty of it." +% Life is like a diaper - short and loaded. % Life is like a sewer. What you get out of it depends on what you put into it. -- Tom Lehrer % +Life is like a simile. +% Life is like a tin of sardines. We're, all of us, looking for the key. -- Beyond the Fringe % +Life is like an analogy. +% Life is like an egg stain on your chin -- you can lick it, but it still won't go away. % @@ -23999,6 +33211,9 @@ Life is like an onion: you peel it off one layer at a time, and sometimes you weep. -- Carl Sandburg % +Life is like an onion: you peel off layer after layer, then you find +there is nothing in it. +% Life is like an onion: you peel off layer after layer and then you find there is nothing in it. -- James Huneker @@ -24026,6 +33241,9 @@ Life is the urge to ecstasy. % Life is to you a dashing and bold adventure. % +"Life is too important to take seriously." + -- Corky Siegel +% Life is too short to be taken seriously. -- Oscar Wilde % @@ -24041,6 +33259,12 @@ Life is what happens to you while you're busy making other plans. Life, like beer, is merely borrowed. -- Don Reed % +"Life, loathe it or ignore it, you can't like it." + -- Marvin, "The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy" +% +"Life may have no meaning -- or even worse, it may have a meaning of +which I disapprove." +% Life may have no meaning, or, even worse, it may have a meaning of which you disapprove. % @@ -24058,9 +33282,19 @@ embittered and depressed than before (if such a thing is possible). Life sucks, but death doesn't put out at all. -- Thomas J. Kopp % +"Life to you is a bold and dashing responsibility" + -- a Mary Chung's fortune cookie +% Life without caffeine is stimulating enough. -- Sanka Ad % +Life would be much simpler and things would get done much faster if it +weren't for other people. + -- Blore +% +Life would be so much easier if we could just look at the source code. + -- Dave Olson +% Life would be tolerable but for its amusements. -- George Bernard Shaw % @@ -24158,6 +33392,14 @@ religions. % Like punning, programming is a play on words. % +Like so many Americans, she was trying to construct a life that made +sense from things she found in gift shops. + -- Kurt Vonnegut, Jr. +% +Like the ski resort of girls looking for husbands and husbands looking +for girls, the situation is not as symmetrical as it might seem. + -- Alan McKay +% Like the time I ran away... And turned around and you were standing close to me. -- YES, "Going For The One/Awaken" @@ -24190,6 +33432,36 @@ Likewise, the national appetizer, brine-cured herring with raw onions, wins few friends, Germans excepted. -- Darwin Porter, "Scandinavia On $50 A Day" % +Limericks are art forms complex, +Their topics run chiefly to sex. + They usually have virgins, + And masculine urgin's, +And other erotic effects. +% +Lincoln was elected to Congress in 1846. +Kennedy exactly one hundred years later in 1946. + +Lincoln was elected president in November 1860. +Kennedy in November 1960. + +Lincoln had a secretary named Kennedy who urged him not to go to +the theatre. +Kennedy had a secretary named Lincoln who advised against his going +to Dallas. + +Booth shot Lincoln in a theatre and ran off into a warehouse. +Oswald shot Kennedy from a warehouse and ran off into a theatre. + +Lincoln was succeeded by a Southerner named Johnson. +Kennedy was succeeded by a Southerner named Johnson. + +The first Johnson was born in 1808. +The second Johnson was born in 1908. + + -- Alistair Cooke, "Letter From America", 26nov2001 +% +Line Printer paper is strongest at the perforations. +% "Lines that are parallel meet at Infinity!" Euclid repeatedly, heatedly, urged. @@ -24202,6 +33474,12 @@ Linus: Hi! I thought it was you. Snoopy: That's nice to know. The secret of life is to look good at a distance. % +Linus: I guess it's wrong always to be worrying about tomorrow. Maybe + we should think only about today. +Charlie Brown: + No, that's giving up. I'm still hoping that yesterday will get + better. +% Linus' Law: There is no heavier burden than a great potential. % @@ -24312,6 +33590,9 @@ you're on the lam like me, you appreciate a good cup of coffee. Living in California is like living in a bowl of granola. What ain't flakes and nuts is fruits. % +Living in LA is like not having a date on Saturday night. + -- Candice Bergen +% Living in New York City gives people real incentives to want things that nobody else wants. -- Andy Warhol @@ -24319,16 +33600,52 @@ to want things that nobody else wants. Living in the complex world of the future is somewhat like having bees live in your head. But, there they are. % +Living on Earth may be expensive, but it includes an annual free trip +around the Sun. +% LIVING YOUR LIFE: A task so difficult, it has never been attempted before. % +Living your life is a task so difficult, it has never been attempted +before. +% +Lizzie Borden took an axe, +And plunged it deep into the VAX; +Don't you envy people who +Do all the things ___YOU want to do? +% Lo! Men have become the tool of their tools. -- Henry David Thoreau % +Loan-department manager: "There isn't any fine print. At these +interest rates, we don't need it." +% +Lobster: + Everyone loves these delectable crustaceans, but many cooks are +squeamish about placing them into boiling water alive, which is the +only proper method of preparing them. Frankly, the easiest way to +eliminate your guilt is to establish theirs by putting them on trial +before they're cooked. The fact is, lobsters are among the most +ferocious predators on the sea floor, and you're helping reduce crime +in the reefs. Grasp the lobster behind the head, look it right in its +unmistakably guilty eyestalks and say, "Where were you on the night of +the 21st?", then flourish a picture of a scallop or a sole and shout, +"Perhaps this will refresh that crude neural apparatus you call a +memory!" The lobster will squirm noticeably. It may even take a swipe +at you with one of its claws. Incorrigible. Pop it into the pot. +Justice has been served, and shortly you and your friends will be, +too. + -- Dave Barry, "Cooking: The Art of Using Appliances and + Utensils into Excuses and Apologies" +% +Lockwood's Long Shot: + The chances of getting eaten up by a lion on Main Street aren't +one in a million, but once would be enough. +% Logic doesn't apply to the real world. -- Marvin Minsky % -Logic is a little bird, sitting in a tree, that smells AWFUL. +Logic is a little bird, sitting in a tree; that smells *_____awful*. % Logic is a pretty flower that smells bad. % @@ -24337,6 +33654,12 @@ to the wrong conclusion with confidence. % Logic is the chastity belt of the mind! % +Logicians have but ill defined +As rational the human kind. +Logic, they say, belongs to man, +But let them prove it if they can. + -- Oliver Goldsmith +% LOGO for the Dead LOGO for the Dead lets you continue your computing activities from @@ -24406,6 +33729,12 @@ Look before you leap. Look ere ye leap. -- John Heywood % +Look out! Behind you! +% +Look, we play the Star Spangled Banner before every game. You want us +to pay income taxes, too? + -- Bill Veeck, Chicago White Sox +% Look, we trade every day out there with hustlers, deal-makers, shysters, con-men. That's the way businesses get started. That's the way this country was built. @@ -24414,15 +33743,22 @@ country was built. Lookie, lookie, here comes cookie... -- Stephen Sondheim % +Loose bits sink chips. +% Lord, defend me from my friends; I can account for my enemies. -- Charles D'Hericault % Lord, what fools these mortals be! -- William Shakespeare, "A Midsummer-Night's Dream" % +Losing your drivers' license is just God's way of saying +"BOOGA, BOOGA!" +% Lost: gray and white female cat. Answers to electric can opener. % +Lost interest? It's so bad I've lost apathy. +% Lots of folks are forced to skimp to support a government that won't. % Lots of folks confuse bad management with destiny. @@ -24431,6 +33767,9 @@ Lots of folks confuse bad management with destiny. Lots of girls can be had for a song. Unfortunately, it often turns out to be the wedding march. % +Loud burping while walking around the airport is prohibited in +Halstead, Kansas. +% Louie Louie, me gotta go Louie Louie, me gotta go @@ -24472,6 +33811,14 @@ Love ain't nothin' but sex misspelled. % Love America - or give it back. % +Love and scandal are the best sweeteners of tea. +% +Love at first sight is one of the greatest labor-saving devices the +world has ever seen. +% +Love cannot be much younger than the lust for murder. + -- Sigmund Freud +% Love conquers all things; let us too surrender to love. -- Publius Vergilius Maro (Virgil) % @@ -24485,10 +33832,28 @@ Love is a grave mental disease. Love is a slippery eel that bites like hell. -- Matt Groening % +"Love is a snowmobile racing across the tundra and then suddenly it +flips over, pinning you underneath. At night, the ice weasels come." + -- Matt Groening, "Love is Hell" +% +Love is a word that is constantly heard, +Hate is a word that is not. +Love, I am told, is more precious than gold. +Love, I have read, is hot. +But hate is the verb that to me is superb, +And Love but a drug on the mart. +Any kiddie in school can love like a fool, +But Hating, my boy, is an Art. + -- Ogden Nash +% Love is always open arms. With arms open you allow love to come and go as it wills, freely, for it will do so anyway. If you close your arms about love you'll find you are left only holding yourself. % +"Love is an ideal thing, marriage a real thing; a confusion of the real +with the ideal never goes unpunished." + -- Johann Wolfgang von Goethe +% Love is an obsessive delusion that is cured by marriage. -- Dr. Karl Bowman % @@ -24517,6 +33882,8 @@ Love is never asking why? % Love is not enough, but it sure helps. % +Love is sentimental measles. +% Love is staying up all night with a sick child, or a healthy adult. % Love is the answer; but while you are waiting for the answer, sex @@ -24536,6 +33903,9 @@ Love is the only game that is not called on account of darkness. Love is the process of my leading you gently back to yourself. -- Antoine de Saint-Exupery % +Love is the triumph of imagination over intelligence. + -- H. L. Mencken +% Love IS what it's cracked up to be. % Love is what you've been through with somebody. @@ -24552,6 +33922,8 @@ momentum. Love may laugh at locksmiths, but he has a profound respect for money bags. -- Sidney Paternoster, "The Folly of the Wise" % +Love means having to say you're sorry every five minutes. +% Love means never having to say you're sorry. -- Eric Segal, "Love Story" @@ -24565,6 +33937,9 @@ Love tells us many things that are not so. % Love the sea? I dote upon it -- from the beach. % +Love thy neighbor as thyself, but choose your neighborhood. + -- Louise Beal +% Love thy neighbor, tune thy piano. % Love to eat them mousies, @@ -24594,9 +33969,21 @@ Love, which absolves no loved one from loving, Love brought us to one death. -- La Divina Commedia: Inferno V, vv. 100-06 % +Love your enemies: they'll go crazy trying to figure out what you're up +to. +% Love your neighbour, yet don't pull down your hedge. -- Benjamin Franklin % +Lowery's Law: + If it jams -- force it. + If it breaks, it needed replacing anyway. +% +LSD melts in your mind, not in your hand. +% +Lubarsky's Law of Cybernetic Entomology: + There's always one more bug. +% Lucas is the source of many of the components of the legendarily reliable British automotive electrical systems. Professionals call the company "The Prince of Darkness". Of course, if Lucas were to design and manufacture @@ -24626,21 +34013,37 @@ Snoopy: She is right! I think I had better think Luke, I'm yer father, eh. Come over to the dark side, you hoser. -- Dave Thomas, "Strange Brew" % +Lunatic Asylum, n.: + The place where optimism most flourishes. +% Lying is an indispensable part of making life tolerable. -- Bergan Evans % +Lysistrata had a good idea. +% Ma Bell is a mean mother! % MAC user's dynamic debugging list evaluator? Never heard of that. % +"MacDonald has the gift on compressing the largest amount of words into +the smallest amount of thoughts." + -- Winston Churchill +% "Mach was the greatest intellectual fraud in the last ten years." "What about X?" "I said `intellectual'." ;login, 9/1990 % +Machine-Independent, adj.: + Does not run on any existing machine. +% Machine-independent program: A program that will not run on any machine. % +Machines certainly can solve problems, store information, correlate, +and play games -- but not with pleasure. + -- Leo Rosten +% Machines have less problems. I'd like to be a machine. -- Andy Warhol % @@ -24656,11 +34059,37 @@ Macho does not prove mucho. MAD: Affected with a high degree of intellectual independence. % +Mad, adj.: + Affected with a high degree of intellectual independence ... + -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary" +% +Madam, there's no such thing as a tough child -- if you parboil them +first for seven hours, they always come out tender. + -- W. C. Fields +% Madison's Inquiry: If you have to travel on the Titanic, why not go first class? % Madness takes its toll. % +MAFIA, n: + [Acronym for Mechanized Applications in Forced Insurance +Accounting.] An extensive network with many on-line and offshore +subsystems running under OS, DOS, and IOS. MAFIA documentation is +rather scanty, and the MAFIA sales office exhibits that testy +reluctance to bona fide inquiries which is the hallmark of so many DP +operations. From the little that has seeped out, it would appear that +MAFIA operates under a non-standard protocol, OMERTA, a tight-lipped +variant of SNA, in which extended handshakes also perform complex +security functions. The known timesharing aspects of MAFIA point to a +more than usually autocratic operating system. Screen prompts carry an +imperative, nonrefusable weighting (most menus offer simple YES/YES +options, defaulting to YES) that precludes indifference or delay. +Uniquely, all editing under MAFIA is performed centrally, using a +powerful rubout feature capable of erasing files, filors, filees, and +entire nodal aggravations. + -- Stan Kelly-Bootle, "The Devil's DP Dictionary" +% Magary's Principle: When there is a public outcry to cut deadwood and fat from any government bureaucracy, it is the deadwood and the fat that do @@ -24676,15 +34105,35 @@ The two preceding definitions are condensed from the works of one thousand eminent scientists, who have illuminated the subject with a great white light, to the inexpressible advancement of human knowledge. % +Magnet, n.: Something acted upon by magnetism. + +Magnetism, n.: Something acting upon a magnet. + +The two definitions immediately foregoing are condensed from the works +of one thousand eminent scientists, who have illuminated the subject +with a great white light, to the inexpressible advancement of human +knowledge. + -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary" +% MAGNOCARTIC: Any automobile that, when left unattended, attracts shopping carts. -- Rich Hall & Friends, "Sniglets" % +Magnocartic, adj.: + Any automobile that, when left unattended, attracts shopping +carts. + -- Rich Hall, "Sniglets" +% MAGPIE: A bird whose thievish disposition suggested to someone that it might be taught to talk. -- Ambrose Bierce % +Magpie, n.: + A bird whose thievish disposition suggested to someone that it +might be taught to talk. + -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary" +% MAIDEN AUNT: A girl who never had the sense to say "uncle." % @@ -24704,6 +34153,24 @@ Male, n: has two varieties: good providers and bad providers. -- Ambrose Bierce % +Maier's Law: + If the facts do not conform to the theory, they must be disposed + of. + -- N. R. Maier, "American Psychologist", March 1960 + +Corollaries: + (1) The bigger the theory, the better. + (2) The experiment may be considered a success if no more than + 50% of the observed measurements must be discarded to + obtain a correspondence with the theory. +% +Main's Law: + For every action there is an equal and opposite government +program. +% +Maintainer's Motto: + If we can't fix it, it ain't broke. +% Maj. Bloodnok: Seagoon, you're a coward! Seagoon: Only in the holiday season. Maj. Bloodnok: Ah, another Noel Coward! @@ -24719,13 +34186,26 @@ Secondary Conclusion: Do you realize how many holes there would be if people would just take the time to take the dirt out of them? % +Major Premise: Sixty men can do a piece of work sixty times as quickly + as one man. + +Minor Premise: One man can dig a posthole in sixty seconds. + +Conclusion: Sixty men can dig a posthole in one second. + -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary" +% Majorities, of course, start with minorities. -- Robert Moses % +Majority, n.: + That quality that distinguishes a crime from a law. +% Make a wish, it might come true. % Make headway at work. Continue to let things deteriorate at home. % +Make it myself? But I'm a physical organic chemist! +% Make it right before you make it faster. % Make no little plans; they have no magic to stir men's blood. @@ -24735,6 +34215,15 @@ Make sure your code does nothing gracefully. % Make war not sex. (It's safer.) % +Making files is easy under the UNIX operating system. Therefore, users +tend to create numerous files using large amounts of file space. It +has been said that the only standard thing about all UNIX systems is +the message-of-the-day telling users to clean up their files. + -- System V.2 administrator's guide +% +Malek's Law: + Any simple idea will be worded in the most complicated way. +% MALPRACTICE: The reason surgeons wear masks. % @@ -24746,6 +34235,13 @@ MAN: the whole habitable earth and Canada. -- Ambrose Bierce % +Man 1: Ask me. "What is the most important thing about telling a good + joke?" + +Man 2: OK, what is the most impo -- + +Man 1: ______TIMING! +% Man and wife make one fool. % Man belongs wherever he wants to go. @@ -24763,10 +34259,17 @@ Man has made his bedlam; let him lie in it. % Man has never reconciled himself to the ten commandments. % +"Man invented language to satisfy his deep need to complain." + -- Lily Tomlin +% Man is a military animal, Glories in gunpowder, and loves parade. -- P. J. Bailey % +Man is a rational animal who always loses his temper when he is called +upon to act in accordance with the dictates of reason. + -- Oscar Wilde +% Man is an animal that makes bargains: no other animal does this-- no dog exchanges bones with another. -- Adam Smith @@ -24774,9 +34277,20 @@ no dog exchanges bones with another. Man is by nature a political animal. -- Aristotle % +Man is the best computer we can put aboard a spacecraft ... and the +only one that can be mass produced with unskilled labor. + -- Wernher von Braun +% Man is the measure of all things. -- Protagoras % +Man is the only animal that blushes -- or needs to. + -- Mark Twain +% +Man is the only animal that can remain on friendly terms with the +victims he intends to eat until he eats them. + -- Samuel Butler (1835-1902) +% Man is the only animal that laughs and weeps; for he is the only animal that is struck with the difference between what things are and what they ought to be. @@ -24785,9 +34299,21 @@ difference between what things are and what they ought to be. Man must shape his tools lest they shape him. -- Arthur R. Miller % +Man, n.: + An animal so lost in rapturous contemplation of what he thinks +he is as to overlook what he indubitably ought to be. His chief +occupation is extermination of other animals and his own species, which, +however, multiplies with such insistent rapidity as to infest the whole +habitable earth and Canada. + -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary" +% Man proposes, God disposes. -- Thomas a Kempis % +Man usually avoids attributing cleverness to somebody else -- unless it +is an enemy. + -- Albert Einstein +% Man who arrives at party two hours late will find he has been beaten to the punch. % @@ -24833,6 +34359,11 @@ MANAGEMENT: MANAGER: A man known for giving great meeting. % +Mandrell: "You know what I think?" +Doctor: "Ah, ah that's a catch question. With a brain your size you + don't think, right?" + -- Doctor Who +% man-hour, n: A sexist, obsolete measure of macho effort, equal to 60 Kiplings. % @@ -24842,6 +34373,16 @@ MANIC-DEPRESSIVE: Mankind is poised midway between the gods and the beasts. -- Plotinus % +Mankind's yearning to engage in sports is older than recorded history, +dating back to the time millions of years ago, when the first primitive +man picked up a crude club and a round rock, tossed the rock into the +air, and whomped the club into the sloping forehead of the first +primitive umpire. + +What inner force drove this first athlete? Your guess is as good as +mine. Better, probably, because you haven't had four beers. + -- Dave Barry, "Sports is a Drag" +% Manly's Maxim: Logic is a systematic method of coming to the wrong conclusion with confidence. @@ -24854,6 +34395,12 @@ Man's unique agony as a species consists in his perpetual conflict between the desire to stand out and the need to blend in. -- Sydney J. Harris % +Manual, n.: + A unit of documentation. There are always three or more on a +given item. One is on the shelf; someone has the others. The +information you need is in the others. + -- Ray Simard +% Many a bum show has been saved by the flag. -- George M. Cohan % @@ -24951,6 +34498,12 @@ Many people write memos to tell you they have nothing to say. Many receive advice, few profit by it. -- Publilius Syrus % +Many years ago in a period commonly known as Next Friday Afternoon, +there lived a King who was very Gloomy on Tuesday mornings because he +was so Sad thinking about how Unhappy he had been on Monday and how +completely Mournful he would be on Wednesday ... + -- Walt Kelly +% Margaret, are you grieving Over Goldengrove unleaving? Leaves, like the things of man, @@ -24998,6 +34551,10 @@ who now smoke pot will someday become congressmen and legalize it in order to protect themselves. -- Lenny Bruce % +Mark's Dental-Chair Discovery: + Dentists are incapable of asking questions that require a +simple yes or no answer. +% MARRIAGE: An old, established institution, entered into by two people deeply in love and desiring to make a commitment to each other expressing @@ -25051,6 +34608,9 @@ Marriage is not merely sharing the fettuccine, but sharing the burden of finding the fettuccine restaurant in the first place. -- Calvin Trillin % +Marriage is the only adventure open to the cowardly. + -- Voltaire +% Marriage is the process of finding out what kind of man your wife would have preferred. % @@ -25114,6 +34674,11 @@ So for dinner she had lambchops; the rest is in the freezer. Maryann's Law: You can always find what you're not looking for. % +Maryel brought her bat into Exit once and started whacking people on +the dance floor. Now everyone's doing it. It's called grand slam +dancing. + -- Ransford, Chicago Reader 10/7/83 +% Maslow's Maxim: If the only tool you have is a hammer, you treat everything like a nail. @@ -25132,6 +34697,9 @@ Mate, this parrot wouldn't VOOM if you put four million volts through it! Mater artium necessitas. [Necessity is the mother of invention]. % +Maternity pay? Now every Tom, Dick and Harry will get pregnant. + -- Malcolm Smith +% MATH AND ALCOHOL DON'T MIX! Please, don't drink and derive. @@ -25140,9 +34708,23 @@ MATH AND ALCOHOL DON'T MIX! Drunk Deriving % +Math is like love -- a simple idea but it can get complicated. + -- R. Drabek +% mathematician, n: Some one who believes imaginary things appear right before your i's. % +Mathematicians are like Frenchmen: whatever you say to them they +translate into their own language, and forthwith it is something +entirely different. + -- Johann Wolfgang von Goethe +% +Mathematicians often resort to something called Hilbert space, which is +described as being n-dimensional. Like modern sex, any number can +play. + -- Dr. Thor Wald, in "Beep/The Quincunx of Time", by + James Blish +% Mathematicians practice absolute freedom. -- Henry Adams % @@ -25165,9 +34747,13 @@ to be found in mathematics as surely as in poetry. % Matrimony is the root of all evil. % -where everything is reversed, after which the point becomes to understand -more and more that there is something which cannot be understood. - -- S. Kierkegaard +"Matrimony isn't a word, it's a sentence." +% +Matter cannot be created or destroyed, nor can it be returned without a +receipt. +% +Maturity is only a short break in adolescence. + -- Jules Feiffer % Matz's Law: A conclusion is the place where you got tired of thinking. @@ -25175,10 +34761,16 @@ Matz's Law: May a hundred thousand midgets invade your home singing cheezy lounge-lizard versions of songs from The Wizard of Oz. % +May a Misguided Platypus lay its Eggs in your Jockey Shorts. +% May all your PUSHes be POPped. % +May Euell Gibbons eat your only copy of the manual! +% May the bluebird of happiness twiddle your bits. % +May the Fleas of a Thousand Camels infest one of your Erogenous Zones. +% May the fleas of a thousand camels infest your armpits. % May those that love us love us; and those that don't love us, may @@ -25202,10 +34794,16 @@ May your camel be as swift as the wind. % May your SO always know when you need a hug. % +May your Tongue stick to the Roof of your Mouth with the Force of a +Thousand Caramels. +% Maybe ain't ain't so correct, but I notice that lots of folks who ain't using ain't ain't eatin' well. -- Will Rogers % +Maybe Computer Science should be in the College of Theology. + -- R. S. Barton +% Maybe Jesus was right when he said that the meek shall inherit the earth -- but they inherit very small plots, about six feet by three. -- Lazarus Long @@ -25216,6 +34814,9 @@ earth -- but they inherit very small plots, about six feet by three. other, and loved each other... and then let each other go before anyone had to seek professional help." % +Maybe you can't buy happiness, but these days you can certainly charge +it. +% May's Law: The quality of correlation is inversely proportional to the density of control. (The fewer the data points, the smoother the curves.) @@ -25226,6 +34827,14 @@ McEwan's Rule of Relative Importance: When traveling with a herd of elephants, don't be the first to lie down and rest. % +McGowan's Madison Avenue Axiom: + If an item is advertised as "under $50", you can bet it's not +$19.95. +% +Meader's Law: + Whatever happens to you, it will previously have happened to +everyone you know, only more so. +% Meade's Maxim: Always remember that you are absolutely unique, just like everyone else. @@ -25279,6 +34888,10 @@ Meeting: person or department not represented in the room must solve the problem. % +Meeting, n.: + An assembly of people coming together to decide what person or +department not represented in the room must solve a problem. +% MEETINGS: A place where minutes are kept and hours are lost. % @@ -25396,10 +35009,26 @@ Men use thought only to justify their wrong doings, and speech only to conceal their thoughts. -- Voltaire % +Men were real men, women were real women, and small, furry creatures +from Alpha Centauri were REAL small, furry creatures from Alpha +Centauri. Spirits were brave, men boldly split infinitives that no man +had split before. Thus was the Empire forged. + -- Douglas Adams, "The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy" +% Men who cherish for women the highest respect are seldom popular with them. -- Joseph Addison % +Mencken and Nathan's Fifteenth Law of The Average American: + The worst actress in the company is always the manager's wife. +% +Mencken and Nathan's Ninth Law of The Average American: + The quality of a champagne is judged by the amount of noise the +cork makes when it is popped. +% +Mencken and Nathan's Second Law of The Average American: + All the postmasters in small towns read all the postcards. +% Mencken and Nathan's Second Law of The Average American: All the postmasters in small towns read all the postcards. @@ -25415,8 +35044,31 @@ Mencken and Nathan's Sixteenth Law of The Average American: is possessed only by yokels, and no person born in a large city can ever hope to acquire it. % +Mencken and Nathan's Sixteenth Law of The Average American: + Milking a cow is an operation demanding a special talent that +is possessed only by yokels, and no person born in a large city can +ever hope to acquire it. +% Mene, mene, tekel, upharsin. % +Men's skin is different from women's skin. It is usually bigger, and +it has more snakes tattooed on it. Also, if you examine a woman's skin +very closely, inch by inch, starting at her shapely ankles, then gently +tracing the slender curve of her calves, then moving up to her ... + [EDITOR'S NOTE: To make room for news articles about important + world events such as agriculture, we're going to delete the + next few square feet of the woman's skin. Thank you.] +... until finally the two of you are lying there, spent, smoking your +cigarettes, and suddenly it hits you: Human skin is actually made up of +billions of tiny units of protoplasm, called "cells"! And what is even +more interesting, the ones on the outside are all dying! This is a +fact. Your skin is like an aggressive modern corporation, where the +older veteran cells, who have finally worked their way to the top and +obtained offices with nice views, are constantly being shoved out the +window head first, without so much as a pension plan, by younger +hotshot cells moving up from below. + -- Dave Barry, "Saving Face" +% Mental power tended to corrupt, and absolute intelligence tended to corrupt absolutely, until the victim eschewed violence entirely in favor of smart solutions to stupid problems. @@ -25426,28 +35078,122 @@ Mental things which have not gone in through the senses are vain and bring forth no truth except detrimental. -- Leonardo % +Menu, n.: + A list of dishes which the restaurant has just run out of. +% +Meskimen's Law: + There's never time to do it right, but there's always time to +do it over. +% +MESSAGE ACKNOWLEDGED -- The Pershing II missiles have been launched. +% Message from Our Sponsor on ttyTV at 13:58 ... % +Message will arrive in the mail. Destroy, before the FBI sees it. +% METEOROLOGIST: One who doubts the established fact that it is bound to rain if you forget your umbrella. % Metermaids eat their young. % +methionylglutaminylarginyltyrosylglutamylserylleucylphenylalanylalanylglutamin- +ylleucyllysylglutamylarginyllysylglutamylglycylalanylphenylalanylvalylprolyl- +phenylalanylvalylthreonylleucylglycylaspartylprolylglycylisoleucylglutamylglu- +taminylserylleucyllysylisoleucylaspartylthreonylleucylisoleucylglutamylalanyl- +glycylalanylaspartylalanylleucylglutamylleucylglycylisoleucylprolylphenylala- +nylserylaspartylprolylleucylalanylaspartylglycylprolylthreonylisoleucylgluta- +minylasparaginylalanylthreonylleucylarginylalanylphenylalanylalanylalanylgly- +cylvalylthreonylprolylalanylglutaminylcysteinylphenylalanylglutamylmethionyl- +leucylalanylleucylisoleucylarginylglutaminyllysylhistidylprolylthreonylisoleu- +cylprolylisoleucylglycylleucylleucylmethionyltyrosylalanylasparaginylleucylva- +lylphenylalanylasparaginyllysylglycylisoleucylaspartylglutamylphenylalanyltyro- +sylalanylglutaminylcysteinylglutamyllysylvalylglycylvalylaspartylserylvalylleu- +cylvalylalanylaspartylvalylprolylvalylglutaminylglutamylserylalanylprolylphe- +nylalanylarginylglutaminylalanylalanylleucylarginylhistidylasparaginylvalylala- +nylprolylisoleucylphenylalanylisoleucylcysteinylprolylprolylaspartylalanylas- +partylaspartylaspartylleucylleucylarginylglutaminylisoleucylalanylseryltyrosyl- +glycylarginylglycyltyrosylthreonyltyrosylleucylleucylserylarginylalanylglycyl- +valylthreonylglycylalanylglutamylasparaginylarginylalanylalanylleucylprolylleu- +cylasparaginylhistidylleucylvalylalanyllysylleucyllysylglutamyltyrosylasparagi- +nylalanylalanylprolylprolylleucylglutaminylglycylphenylalanylglycylisoleucylse- +rylalanylprolylaspartylglutaminylvalyllysylalanylalanylisoleucylaspartylalanyl- +glycylalanylalanylglycylalanylisoleucylserylglycylserylalanylisoleucylvalylly- +sylisoleucylisoleucylglutamylglutaminylhistidylasparaginylisoleucylglutamylpro- +lylglutamyllysylmethionylleucylalanylalanylleucyllysylvalylphenylalanylvalyl- +glutaminylprolylmethionyllysylalanylalanylthreonylarginylserine, n.: + The chemical name for tryptophan synthetase A protein, a + 1,913-letter enzyme with 267 amino acids. + -- Mrs. Byrne's Dictionary of Unusual, Obscure, and + Preposterous Words +% +Mickey Mouse wears a Spiro Agnew watch. +% MICRO: Thinker toys. % +Micro Credo: + Never trust a computer bigger than you can lift. +% Microbiology Lab: Staph Only! % +"Microwave oven? Whaddya mean, it's a microwave oven? I've been +watching Channel 4 on the thing for two weeks." +% Microwaves frizz your heir. % Mieux vaut tard que jamais! % +Might as well be frank, monsieur. It would take a miracle to get you +out of Casablanca and the Germans have outlawed miracles. + -- Signor Ferrari, "Casablanca" (1942) +% +Mike: "The Fourth Dimension is a shambles?" +Bernie: "Nobody ever empties the ashtrays. People are SO + inconsiderate." + -- Gary Trudeau, "Doonesbury" +% +Miksch's Law: + If a string has one end, then it has another end. +% Militant agnostic: I don't know, and you don't either. % +Military intelligence is a contradiction in terms. + -- Groucho Marx +% +Military justice is to justice what military music is to music. + -- Groucho Marx +% Miller's Slogan: Lose a few, lose a few. % +Millihelen, adj: + The amount of beauty required to launch one ship. +% +Millions long for immortality who do not know what to do with +themselves on a rainy Sunday afternoon. + -- Susan Ertz +% +Millions of sensible people are too high-minded to concede that +politics is almost always the choice of the lesser evil. "Tweedledum +and Tweedledee," they say, "I will not vote." Having abstained, they +are presented with a President who appoints the people who are going to +rummage around in their lives for the next four years. Consider all +the people who sat home in a stew in 1968 rather than vote for Hubert +Humphrey. They showed Humphrey. Those people who taught Hubert +Humphrey a lesson will still be enjoying the Nixon Supreme Court when +Tricia and Julie begin to find silver threads among the gold and the +black. + -- Russel Baker, "Ford without Flummery" +% +Mind! I don't mean to say that I know, of my own knowledge, what there +is particularly dead about a door-nail. I might have been inclined, +myself, to regard a coffin-nail as the deadest piece of ironmongery in +the trade. But the wisdom of our ancestors is in the simile; and my +unhallowed hands shall not disturb it, or the Country's done for. You +will therefore permit me to repeat, emphatically, that Marley was as +dead as a door-nail. +% "Mind if I smoke?" "I don't care if you burst into flames and die!" % @@ -25476,25 +35222,50 @@ Minnesota -- land of the ski and home of the crazed. land of 10,000 Petersons. % +Minnie Mouse is a slow maze learner. +% +Minors in Kansas City, Missouri, are not allowed to purchase cap +pistols; they may buy shotguns freely, however. +% MIPS: Meaningless Indicator of Processor Speed % Mirrors should reflect a little before throwing back images. -- Jean Cocteau % +Misery loves company, but company does not reciprocate. +% +Misery no longer loves company. Nowadays it insists on it. + -- Russell Baker +% +Misfortune, n.: + The kind of fortune that never misses. + -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary" +% Misfortunes arrive on wings and leave on foot. % MISS: A title with which we brand unmarried women to indicate that they are in the market. % +Miss, n.: + A title with which we brand unmarried women to indicate that +they are in the market. + -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary" +% Mistakes are oft the stepping stones to utter failure. % +Mistakes are often the stepping stones to utter failure. +% Mistrust first impulses; they are always right. % MIT: The Georgia Tech of the North % +Mitchell's Law of Committees: + Any simple problem can be made insoluble if enough meetings are +held to discuss it. +% mittsquinter, adj: A ballplayer who looks into his glove after missing the ball, as if, somehow, the cause of the error lies there. @@ -25514,6 +35285,24 @@ Mix's Law: % Mobius strippers never show you their back side. % +MOCK APPLE PIE (No Apples Needed) + + Pastry to two crust 9-inch pie 36 RITZ Crackers +2 cups water 2 cups sugar +2 teaspoons cream of tartar 2 tablespoons lemon juice + Grated rind of one lemon Butter or margarine + Cinnamon + +Roll out bottom crust of pastry and fit into 9-inch pie plate. Break +RITZ Crackers coarsely into pastry-lined plate. Combine water, sugar +and cream of tartar in saucepan, boil gently for 15 minutes. Add lemon +juice and rind. Cool. Pour this syrup over Crackers, dot generously +with butter or margarine and sprinkle with cinnamon. Cover with top +crust. Trim and flute edges together. Cut slits in top crust to let +steam escape. Bake in a hot oven (425 F) 30 to 35 minutes, until crust +is crisp and golden. Serve warm. Cut into 6 to 8 slices. + -- Found lurking on a Ritz Crackers box +% Modeling paged and segmented memories is tricky business. -- P. J. Denning % @@ -25531,6 +35320,8 @@ Modern art is what happens when painters stop looking at girls and persuade themselves that they have a better idea. -- John Ciardi % +Modern man is the missing link between apes and human beings. +% Modern psychology takes completely for granted that behavior and neural function are perfectly correlated, that one is completely caused by the other. There is no separate soul or lifeforce to stick a finger into the @@ -25564,6 +35355,11 @@ Joe: The usual gift -- she ate my heart out. % Moebius always does it on the same side. % +Mohandas K. Gandhi often changed his mind publicly. An aide once asked +him how he could so freely contradict this week what he had said just +last week. The great man replied that it was because this week he knew +better. +% Moishe Margolies, who weighed all of 105 pounds and stood an even five feet in his socks, was taking his first airplane trip. He took a seat next to a hulking bruiser of a man who happened to be the heavyweight champion of @@ -25584,6 +35380,18 @@ MOLECULE: of matter... The ion differs from the molecule, the corpuscle and the atom in that it is an ion... % +Molecule, n.: + The ultimate, indivisible unit of matter. It is distinguished +from the corpuscle, also the ultimate, indivisible unit of matter, by a +closer resemblance to the atom, also the ultimate, indivisible unit of +matter ... The ion differs from the molecule, the corpuscle and the +atom in that it is an ion ... + -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary" +% +Mollison's Bureaucracy Hypothesis: + If an idea can survive a bureaucratic review and be implemented +it wasn't worth doing. +% MOMENTUM: What you give a person when they are going away. % @@ -25597,6 +35405,12 @@ MONDAY: In Christian countries, the day after the football game. -- Ambrose Bierce % +Monday is an awful way to spend one seventh of your life. +% +Monday, n.: + In Christian countries, the day after the baseball game. + -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary" +% Money and women are the most sought after and the least known of any two things we have. -- The Best of Will Rogers @@ -25626,8 +35440,14 @@ Money doesn't talk, it swears. Money is a powerful aphrodisiac. But flowers work almost as well. -- Lazarus Long % +Money is better than poverty, if only for financial reasons. +% Money is its own reward. % +Money is the root of all evil, and man needs roots. +% +Money is the root of all wealth. +% Money is truthful. If a man speaks of his honor, make him pay cash. -- Lazarus Long % @@ -25662,10 +35482,17 @@ in California ... [it] is also a great place for cock-fighting, gambling of all sorts, fandangos, and various kinds of amusements and knavery. -- Richard Henry Dama, "Two Years Before the Mast", 1840 % +Moon, n.: + 1. A celestial object whose phase is very important to +hackers. See PHASE OF THE MOON. 2. Dave Moon (MOON@MC). +% Moore's Constant: Everybody sets out to do something, and everybody does something, but no one does what he sets out to do. % +Mophobia, n.: + Fear of being verbally abused by a Mississippian. +% More are taken in by hope than by cunning. -- Vauvenargues % @@ -25676,6 +35503,11 @@ More people died at Chappaquidick than at 3-mile island. % More people have died in Ted Kennedy's car than in nuclear power plants. % +More than any time in history, mankind now faces a crossroads. One +path leads to despair and utter hopelessness, the other to total +extinction. Let us pray that we have the wisdom to choose correctly. + -- Woody Allen, "Side Effects" +% Morris had been down on his luck for months, and, though not a devoutly religious man, had begun to visit the local synagogue to ask God's help. One week, out of desperation, he prayed, "God, I've been a good and decent @@ -25694,11 +35526,28 @@ Mos Eisley Spaceport; you'll not find a more wretched collection of villainy and disreputable types... -- Obi-wan Kenobi, "Star Wars" % +Mosher's Law of Software Engineering: + Don't worry if it doesn't work right. If everything did, you'd +be out of a job. +% MOSQUITO: The state bird of New Jersey. % Most burning issues generate far more heat than light. % +Most fish live underwater, which is a terrible place to have sex +because virtually anywhere you lie down there will be stinging crabs +and large quantities of little fish staring at you with buggy little +eyes. So generally when two fish want to have sex, they swim around +and around for hours, looking for someplace to go, until finally the +female gets really tired and has a terrible headache, and she just +dumps her eggs right on the sand and swims away. Then the male, driven +by some timeless, noble instinct for survival, eats the eggs. So the +truth is that fish don't reproduce at all, but there are so many of +them that it doesn't make any difference. + -- Dave Barry, "Sex and the Single Amoeba: What Every + Teen Should Know" +% Most folks they like the daytime, 'cause they like to see the shining sun. They're up in the morning, @@ -25749,6 +35598,10 @@ moon. % Most people can do without the essentials, but not without the luxuries. % +Most people can't understand how others can blow their noses differently +than they do. + -- Turgenev +% Most people deserve each other. -- Shirley % @@ -25785,6 +35638,9 @@ or more of a chance to participate in it. Most people will listen to your unreasonable demands, if you'll consider their unacceptable offer. % +Most people wouldn't know music if it came up and bit them on the ass. + -- Frank Zappa +% Most people's favorite way to end a game is by winning. % Most public domain software is free, at least at first glance. @@ -25803,12 +35659,19 @@ MOTHER: % Mother Earth is not flat! % +Mother is far too clever to understand anything she does not like. + -- Arnold Bennett +% +Mother is the invention of necessity. +% Mother said there would be days like this, but she never said that there would be so many. % Mother said there would be days like this, but she never said there would be so many. % +Mother told me to be good, but she's been wrong before. +% Mothers all want their sons to grow up to be President, but they don't want them to become politicians in the process. -- John F. Kennedy @@ -25824,6 +35687,10 @@ MOUNT TAPE U1439 ON B3, NO RING Mountain Dew and doughnuts... because breakfast is the most important meal of the day. % +Mr. Cole's Axiom: + The sum of the intelligence on the planet is a constant; the +population is growing. +% Mr. Rockford? This is Betty Joe Withers. I got four shirts of yours from the Bo Peep Cleaners by mistake. I don't know why they gave me men's shirts but they're going back. @@ -25881,6 +35748,17 @@ None the less, since it *was* his, they ate it -- that's what haggis is. % Multics is security spelled sideways. % +"Multiply in your head" (ordered the compassionate Dr. Adams) +"365,365,365,365,365,365 by 365,365,365,365,365,365. He [ten-year-old +Truman Henry Safford] flew around the room like a top, pulled his +pantaloons over the tops of his boots, bit his hands, rolled his eyes +in their sockets, sometimes smiling and talking, and then seeming to be +in an agony, until, in not more than one minute, said he, +133,491,850,208,566,925,016,658,299,941,583,225!" An electronic +computer might do the job a little faster but it wouldn't be as much +fun to watch. + -- James R. Newman (The World of Mathematics) +% MUMMY: An Egyptian who was pressed for time. % @@ -25916,6 +35794,21 @@ talk about after dinner. % Murphy was an optimist. % +Murphy's Discovery: + Do you know Presidents talk to the country the way men talk to +women? They say, "Trust me, go all the way with me, and everything +will be all right." And what happens? Nine months later, you're in +trouble! +% +Murphy's Law is recursive. Washing your car to make it rain doesn't +work. +% +Murphy's Law of Research: + Enough research will tend to support your theory. +% +"Murphy's Law, that brash proletarian restatement of Godel's Theorem ..." + -- Thomas Pynchon, "Gravity's Rainbow" +% Murphy's Laws: (1) If anything can go wrong, it will. (2) Nothing is as easy as it looks. @@ -25937,6 +35830,14 @@ MUSTGO: refrigerator so long it has become a science project. -- Rich Hall & Friends, "Sniglets" % +Mustgo, n.: + Any item of food that has been sitting in the refrigerator so +long it has become a science project. + -- Rich Hall, "Sniglets" +% +My advice to you, my violent friend, is to seek out gold and sit on it. + -- The Dragon to Grendel, in John Gardner's "Grendel" +% My analyst told me that I was right out of my head, But I said, "Dear Doctor, I think that it is you instead. Because I have got a thing that is unique and new, @@ -25945,6 +35846,21 @@ Because I have got a thing that is unique and new, And you know two heads are better than one. % +My band career ended late in my senior year when John Cooper and I +threw my amplifier out the dormitory window. We did not act in haste. +First we checked to make sure the amplifier would fit through the +frame, using the belt from my bathrobe to measure, then we picked up +the amplifier and backed up to my bedroom door. Then we rushed +forward, shouting "The WHO! The WHO!" and we launched my amplifier +perfectly, as though we had been doing it all our lives, clean through +the window and down onto the sidewalk, where a small but appreciative +crowd had gathered. I would like to be able to say that this was a +symbolic act, an effort on my part to break cleanly away from one state +in my life and move on to another, but the truth is, Cooper and I +really just wanted to find out what it would sound like. It sounded +OK. + -- Dave Barry, "The Snake" +% My best argument against discrimination is quite simple: Does it really matter if the ABC people are inferior to the DEF people if @@ -26011,6 +35927,10 @@ I drowned her in a cask of rum, And so made sure that she would stay In better spirits night and day. % +"My doctor told me to stop having intimate dinners for four. Unless +there are three other people." + -- Orson Welles +% My doctorate's in Literature, but it seems like a pretty good pulse to me. % My experience with government is when things are non-controversial, @@ -26067,6 +35987,13 @@ back and dig her up. "My God! Are we sure he was a liberal?" "Pretty sure. They pulled him from a Volvo." % +My God, I'm depressed! Here I am, a computer with a mind a thousand +times as powerful as yours, doing nothing but cranking out fortunes and +sending mail about softball games. And I've got this pain right +through my ALU. I've asked for it to be replaced, but nobody ever +listens. I think it would be better for us both if you were to just +log out again. +% My, how you've changed since I've changed. % My idea of roughing it is when room service is late. @@ -26076,6 +36003,29 @@ My idea of roughing it turning the air conditioner too low. My interest is in the future because I am going to spend the rest of my life there. % +"My life is a soap opera, but who has the rights?" + -- MadameX +% +My love, he's mad, and my love, he's fleet, + And a wild young wood-thing bore him! +The ways are fair to his roaming feet, + And the skies are sunlit for him. +As sharply sweet to my heart he seems + As the fragrance of acacia. +My own dear love, he is all my dreams -- + And I wish he were in Asia. + -- Dorothy Parker, part 2 +% +My love runs by like a day in June, + And he makes no friends of sorrows. +He'll tread his galloping rigadoon + In the pathway or the morrows. +He'll live his days where the sunbeams start + Nor could storm or wind uproot him. +My own dear love, he is all my heart -- + And I wish somebody'd shoot him. + -- Dorothy Parker, part 3 +% My method is to take the utmost trouble to find the right thing to say. And then say it with the utmost levity. -- George Bernard Shaw @@ -26087,6 +36037,10 @@ it has become quite friendly with my legs. My mother drinks to forget she drinks. -- Crazy Jimmy % +My mother loved children -- she would have given anything if I had been +one. + -- Groucho Marx +% My mother once said to me, "Elwood," (she always called me Elwood) "Elwood, in this world you must be oh so smart or oh so pleasant." For years I tried smart. I recommend pleasant. @@ -26116,9 +36070,21 @@ My only love sprung from my only hate! Too early seen unknown, and known too late! -- William Shakespeare, "Romeo and Juliet" % +My opinions may have changed, but not the fact that I am right. +% My own business always bores me to death; I prefer other people's. -- Oscar Wilde % +My own dear love, he is strong and bold + And he cares not what comes after. +His words ring sweet as a chime of gold, + And his eyes are lit with laughter. +He is jubilant as a flag unfurled -- + Oh, a girl, she'd not forget him. +My own dear love, he is all my world -- + And I wish I'd never met him. + -- Dorothy Parker, part 1 +% My own life has been spent chronicling the rise and fall of human systems, and I am convinced that we are terribly vulnerable. ... We should be reluctant to turn back upon the frontier of this epoch. Space is indifferent @@ -26129,8 +36095,18 @@ from which we can explore and understand and utilize it. To turn back now would be to deny our history, our capabilities. -- James A. Michener % +"My pants just went on a wild rampage through a Long Island Bowling +Alley!!" + -- Zippy the Pinhead +% My parents went to Niagra Falls and all I got was this crummy life. % +My pen is at the bottom of a page, +Which, being finished, here the story ends; +'Tis to be wished it had been sooner done, +But stories somehow lengthen when begun. + -- Byron +% My philosophy is: Don't think. -- Charles Manson % @@ -26180,6 +36156,9 @@ I shudder at the thought of men I'm due to fall in love again. -- Dorothy Parker, "Enough Rope" % +My theology, briefly, is that the universe was dictated but not signed. + -- Christopher Morley +% My uncle was the town drunk -- and we lived in Chicago. -- George Gobel % @@ -26187,9 +36166,17 @@ My way of joking is to tell the truth. That's the funniest joke in the world. -- Muhammad Ali % +"My weight is perfect for my height -- which varies" +% Mystics always hope that science will some day overtake them. -- Booth Tarkington % +Mythology, n.: + The body of a primitive people's beliefs concerning its +origin, early history, heroes, deities and so forth, as distinguished +from the true accounts which it invents later. + -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary" +% Naches (rhymes with Bach' us, with "Bach" pronounced like the composer) is what every Jewish parent wants from their children, lots of good returns, good grades, good spouse, good grandchildren. @@ -26215,6 +36202,10 @@ Nachman's Rule: Nadia Comaneci, simple perfection. -- '76 Olympics % +Naeser's Law: + You can make it foolproof, but you can't make it +damnfoolproof. +% 'Naomi, sex at noon taxes.' I moan. Never odd or even. A man, a plan, a canal, Panama. @@ -26222,13 +36213,52 @@ Madam, I'm Adam. Sit on a potato pan, Otis. -- The Mad Palindromist % +NAPOLEON: What shall we do with this soldier, Guiseppe? Everything he + says is wrong. +GUISEPPE: Make him a general, Excellency, and then everything he says + will be right. + -- George Bernard Shaw, "The Man of Destiny" +% narcolepulacyi, n: The contagious action of yawning, causing everyone in sight to also yawn. -- Rich Hall & Friends, "Sniglets" % +Nasrudin called at a large house to collect for charity. The servant +said "My master is out." Nasrudin replied, "Tell your master that next +time he goes out, he should not leave his face at the window. Someone +might steal it." +% +Nasrudin returned to his village from the imperial capital, and the +villagers gathered around to hear what had passed. "At this time," +said Nasrudin, "I only want to say that the King spoke to me." All the +villagers but the stupidest ran off to spread the wonderful news. The +remaining villager asked, "What did the King say to you?" "What he +said -- and quite distinctly, for everyone to hear -- was `Get out of +my way!'" The simpleton was overjoyed; he had heard words actually +spoken by the King, and seen the very man they were spoken to. +% +Nasrudin walked into a shop one day, and the owner came forward to +serve him. Nasrudin said, "First things first. Did you see me walk +into your shop?" "Of course." "Have you ever seen me before?" +"Never." "Then how do you know it was me?" +% +Nasrudin walked into a teahouse and declaimed, "The moon is more useful +than the sun." "Why?", he was asked. "Because at night we need the +light more." +% +Nasrudin was carrying home a piece of liver and the recipe for liver +pie. Suddenly a bird of prey swooped down and snatched the piece of +meat from his hand. As the bird flew off, Nasrudin called after it, +"Foolish bird! You have the liver, but what can you do with it without +the recipe?" +% National security is in your hands - guard it well. % +Natives who beat drums to drive off evil spirits are objects of +scorn to smart Americans who blow horns to break up traffic jams. + -- Mary Ellen Kelly +% Natural laws have no pity. % Naturally the common people don't want war... but after all it is the leaders @@ -26241,15 +36271,31 @@ for lack of patriotism and exposing the country to danger. It works the same in every country. -- Hermann Goering % +Nature abhors a hero. For one thing, he violates the law of +conservation of energy. For another, how can it be the survival of the +fittest when the fittest keeps putting himself in situations where he +is most likely to be creamed? + -- Solomon Short +% Nature abhors a virgin -- a frozen asset. -- Clare Booth Luce % Nature always sides with the hidden flaw. % +Nature and nature's laws lay hid in night, +God said, "Let Newton be," and all was light. + +It did not last; the devil howling "Ho! +Let Einstein be!" restored the status quo. +% Nature has given women so much power that the law has very wisely given them little. -- Dr. Samuel Johnson % +Nature is by and large to be found out of doors, a location where, it +cannot be argued, there are never enough comfortable chairs. + -- Fran Lebowitz +% Nature makes boys and girls lovely to look upon so they can be tolerated until they acquire some sense. -- William Phelps @@ -26287,6 +36333,10 @@ when the moon is out, he can feel it on his face" -- Barry Gifford % +Nearly all men can stand adversity, but +if you want to test a man's character, give him power. + -- Abraham Lincoln +% Nearly every complex solution to a programming problem that I have looked at carefully has turned out to be wrong. -- Brent Welch @@ -26297,6 +36347,8 @@ Necessity has no law. Necessity hath no law. -- Oliver Cromwell % +Necessity is a mother. +% "Necessity is the mother of invention" is a silly proverb. "Necessity is the mother of futile dodges" is much nearer the truth. -- Alfred North Whitehead @@ -26305,6 +36357,9 @@ Necessity is the plea for every infringement of human freedom. It is the argument of tyrants; it is the creed of slaves. -- William Pitt, 1783 % +Neckties strangle clear thinking. + -- Lin Yutang +% Needs are a function of what other people have. % Negative expectations yield negative results. @@ -26366,6 +36421,8 @@ the one you are least interested, and say nothing about the other. Never be afraid to tell the world who you are. -- Anonymous % +Never be led astray onto the path of virtue. +% Never buy from a rich salesman. -- Goldenstern % @@ -26373,6 +36430,12 @@ Never buy what you do not want because it is cheap; it will be dear to you. -- Thomas Jefferson % +Never call a man a fool; borrow from him. +% +Never commit yourself! Let someone else commit you. +% +Never count your chickens before they rip your lips off. +% Never delay the ending of a meeting or the beginning of a cocktail hour. % Never do today what you can put off until tomorrow. @@ -26382,6 +36445,12 @@ with the chemicals in Coke produce hallucinations. People tend to change into lizards and attack without warning, and large bats usually fly in the window. (Additionally, you begin to believe that elevators have windows.) % +Never drink coke in a moving elevator. The elevator's motion coupled +with the chemicals in coke produce hallucinations. People tend to +change into lizards and attack without warning, and large bats usually +fly in the window. Additionally, you begin to believe that elevators +have windows. +% Never drink from your finger bowl -- it contains only water. % Never eat anything bigger than your head. @@ -26390,6 +36459,9 @@ Never eat at a place called Mom's. Never play cards with a man named Doc. And never lie down with a woman who's got more troubles than you. -- Nelson Algren, "What Every Young Man Should Know" % +Never eat more than you can lift. + -- Miss Piggy +% Never, ever lie to someone you love unless you're absolutely sure they'll never find out the truth. % @@ -26420,6 +36492,8 @@ Never have children, only grandchildren. Never have so many understood so little about so much. -- James Burke % +Never hit a man with glasses. Hit him with a baseball bat. +% Never insult an alligator until you've crossed the river. % Never invest your money in anything that eats or needs repainting. @@ -26442,11 +36516,23 @@ Never lend your car to anyone to whom you have given birth. Never let someone who says it cannot be done interrupt the person who is doing it. % +Never let your schooling interfere with your education. +% +Never let your sense of morals prevent you from doing what is right. + -- Salvor Hardin, "Foundation" +% Never look a gift horse in the mouth. -- Saint Jerome % Never look up when dragons fly overhead. % +Never make anything simple and efficient when a way can be found to +make it complex and wonderful. +% +Never offend people with style when you can offend them with +substance. + -- Sam Brown, "The Washington Post", January 26, 1977 +% Never offend with style when you can offend with substance. % Never pay a compliment as if expecting a receipt. @@ -26459,8 +36545,13 @@ Never promise more than you can perform. Never put off till run-time what you can do at compile-time. -- D. Gries % +Never put off till tomorrow what you can avoid all together. +% Never put off until tomorrow what you can do the day after. % +Never put off until tomorrow what you can do today. There might be a +law against it by that time. +% Never raise your hand to your children -- it leaves your midsection unprotected. -- Robert Orben @@ -26471,6 +36562,8 @@ Never say "Oops" in an operating room. % Never say you know a man until you have divided an inheritance with him. % +Never settle with words what you can accomplish with a flame thrower. +% Never sleep with a woman whose troubles are worse than your own. -- Nelson Algren % @@ -26486,6 +36579,8 @@ tellin' ya. This chick came downstairs with a sign around her neck `Lay On Top Of Me Or I'll Die'. I didn't know what I was gonna do..." -- Lenny Bruce % +Never tell a lie unless it is absolutely convenient. +% Never tell people how to do things. Tell them WHAT to do and they will surprise you with their ingenuity. -- Gen. George S. Patton, Jr. @@ -26512,9 +36607,17 @@ sex to a virgin. (Note, however, that virgins tend to know a lot about computers.) % +Never try to outstubborn a cat. + -- Lazarus Long, "Time Enough for Love" +% Never try to teach a pig to sing. It wastes your time and annoys the pig. % +Never underestimate the bandwidth of a station wagon full of tapes. + -- Dr. Warren Jackson, Director, UTCS +% +"Never underestimate the power of a small tactical nuclear weapon." +% Never underestimate the power of human stupidity. -- Robert A. Heinlein % @@ -26524,18 +36627,41 @@ there is not or that there is not space to list it all, etc. Never volunteer for anything. -- Lackland % +Never worry about theory as long as the machinery does what it's +supposed to do. + -- Robert A. Heinlein +% new, adj: Different color from previous model. % +New crypt. See /usr/news/crypt. +% New England Life, of course. Why? % New England Life, of course. Why do you ask? % +New Hampshire law forbids you to tap your feet, nod your head, or in +any way keep time to the music in a tavern, restaurant, or cafe. +% +New members are urgently needed in the Society for Prevention of +Cruelty to Yourself. Apply within. +% +New members urgently required for SUICIDE CLUB, Watford area. + -- Monty Python's Big Red Book +% New release: Abortions are becoming so popular in some countries that the waiting time to get one is lengthening rapidly. Experts predict that at this rate there will soon be an up to a one year wait. % +New systems generate new problems. +% +New Year's Eve is the time of year when a man most feels his age, and +his wife most often reminds him to act it. + -- Webster's Unafraid Dictionary +% +New York is real. The rest is done with mirrors. +% New York now leads the world's great cities in the number of people around whom you shouldn't make a sudden move. -- David Letterman @@ -26549,6 +36675,14 @@ New York. % New York's got the ways and means, just won't let you be. % +New York's got the ways and means; +Just won't let you be. + -- The Grateful Dead +% +Newlan's Truism: + An "acceptable" level of unemployment means that the government +economist to whom it is acceptable still has a job. +% Newman's Discovery: Your best dreams may not come true; fortunately, neither will your worst dreams. @@ -26557,6 +36691,10 @@ Newpaper editors are men who separate the wheat from the chaff, and then print the chaff. -- Adlai Stevenson % +NEWS FLASH!! + Today the East German pole-vault champion became the West + German pole-vault champion. +% news: gotcha % NEWSFLASH!! @@ -26564,6 +36702,21 @@ NEWSFLASH!! 1700 N. 17th St. this morning to see if the elevator was on its way down. It was. Age 31. % +Newton's Fourth Law: Every action has an equal and opposite satisfaction. +% +Newton's Little-Known Seventh Law: + A bird in the hand is safer than one overhead. +% +Next Friday will not be your lucky day. As a matter of fact, you don't +have a lucky day this year. +% +Next to being shot at and missed, nothing is really quite as satisfying +as an income tax refund. + -- F. J. Raymond +% +Nice boy, but about as sharp as a sack of wet mice. + -- Foghorn Leghorn +% Nice guys don't finish nice. % Nice guys finish last. @@ -26585,9 +36738,50 @@ Nietzsche says that we will live the same life, over and over again. God -- I'll have to sit through the Ice Capades again. -- Woody Allen, "Hannah and Her Sisters" % +Nihilism should commence with oneself. +% +Niklaus Wirth has lamented that, whereas Europeans pronounce his name +correctly (Ni-klows Virt), Americans invariably mangle it into +(Nick-les Worth). Which is to say that Europeans call him by name, but +Americans call him by value. +% +Nine megs for the secretaries fair, +Seven megs for the hackers scarce, +Five megs for the grads in smoky lairs, +Three megs for system source; + +One disk to rule them all, +One disk to bind them, +One disk to hold the files +And in the darkness grind 'em. +% +Nine-track tapes and seven-track tapes + And tapes without any tracks; +Stretchy tapes and snarley tapes + And tapes mixed up on the racks -- + Take hold of the tape + And pull off the strip, + And then you'll be sure + Your tape drive will skip. + + -- Uncle Colonel's Cursory Rhymes +% Ninety percent of the politicians give the other ten percent a bad reputation. -- Henry Kissinger % +"Ninety percent of the time things turn out worse than you thought they +would. The other ten percent of the time you had no right to expect +that much." + -- Augustine +% +Ninety-Ninety Rule of Project Schedules: + The first ninety percent of the task takes ninety percent of +the time, and the last ten percent takes the other ninety percent. +% +Nirvana? That's the place where the powers that be and their friends +hang out. + -- Zonker Harris +% Nitwit ideas are for emergencies. You use them when you've got nothing else to try. If they work, they go in the Book. Otherwise you follow the Book, which is largely a collection of nitwit ideas that worked. @@ -26600,6 +36794,10 @@ No amount of careful planning will ever replace dumb luck. % No amount of genius can overcome a preoccupation with detail. % +No animal should ever jump on the dining room furniture unless +absolutely certain he can hold his own in conversation. + -- Fran Lebowitz +% No bird soars too high if he soars with his own wings. -- William Blake % @@ -26616,6 +36814,11 @@ No Civil War picture ever made a nickel. film rights to "Gone With the Wind". Cerf/Navasky, "The Experts Speak" % +No committee could ever come up with anything as revolutionary as a +camel -- anything as practical and as perfectly designed to perform +effectively under such difficult conditions. + -- Laurence J. Peter +% No directory. % No discipline is ever requisite to force attendance upon @@ -26625,6 +36828,9 @@ lectures which are really worth the attending. No doubt Jack the Ripper excused himself on the grounds that it was human nature. % +"No, `Eureka' is Greek for `This bath is too hot.'" + -- Doctor Who +% No evil can happen to a good man. -- Plato % @@ -26638,6 +36844,9 @@ No friendship is so cordial or so delicious as that of girl for girl; no hatred so intense or immovable as that of woman for woman. -- Landor % +No good deed goes unpunished. + -- Clare Boothe Luce +% No group of professionals meets except to conspire against the public at large. -- Mark Twain @@ -26697,6 +36906,10 @@ No man can have a reasonable opinion of women until he has long lost interest in hair restorers. -- Austin O'Malley % +No man in the world has more courage than the man who can stop after +eating one peanut. + -- Channing Pollock +% No man is an Iland, intire of it selfe; every man is a peece of the Continent, a part of the maine; if a Clod bee washed away by the Sea, Europe is the lesse, as well as if a Promontorie were, as well as if @@ -26705,6 +36918,8 @@ me, because I am involved in Mankinde; And therefore never send to know for whom the bell tolls; It tolls for thee. -- John Donne, "No Man is an Iland" % +No man is an island, but some of us are long peninsulas. +% No man is an island if he's on at least one mailing list. % No man is useless who has a friend, @@ -26736,8 +36951,14 @@ No matter how old a mother is, she watches her middle-aged children for signs of improvement. -- Florida Scott-Maxwell % +No matter how subtle the wizard, a knife in the shoulder blades will +seriously cramp his style. +% No matter what happens, there is always someone who knew it would. % +No matter what other nations may say about the United States, +immigration is still the sincerest form of flattery. +% No matter where I go, the place is always called "here". % No matter who you are, some scholar can show you @@ -26768,10 +36989,18 @@ No one can have a higher opinion of him than I have, and I think he's a dirty little beast. -- W. S. Gilbert % +No one can make you feel inferior without your consent. + -- Eleanor Roosevelt +% No one can put you down without your full cooperation. % No one gets sick on Wednesdays. % +No one gets too old to learn a new way of being stupid. +% +No one has a higher opinion of him than he has. + -- Greg Lehey, FreeBSDcon 1999 +% No one knows like a woman how to say things that are at once gentle and deep. -- Hugo @@ -26789,6 +37018,11 @@ one who's giving it. NO OPIUM-SMOKING IN THE ELEVATORS -- sign in the Rand Hotel, New York, 1907 % +No part of this message may reproduce, store itself in a retrieval +system, or transmit disease, in any form, without the permissiveness of +the author. + -- Chris Shaw +% No pig should go sky diving during monsoon For this isn't really the norm. But should a fat swine try to soar like a loon, @@ -26799,6 +37033,26 @@ It's risky enough when the weather is fine. But to have a pig soar when the monsoon doth roar Cast even more perils before swine. % +No plain fanfold paper could hold that fractal Puff -- +He grew so fast no plotting pack could shrink him far enough. +Compiles and simulations grew so quickly tame +And swapped out all their data space when Puff pushed his stack frame. +CHORUS: + Puff the fractal dragon was written in C, + And frolicked while processes switched in mainframe memory. + Puff the fractal dragon was written in C, + And frolicked while processes switched in mainframe memory. +Puff, he grew so quickly, while others moved like snails +And mini-Puffs would perch themselves on his gigantic tail. +All the student hackers loved that fractal Puff +But DCS did not like Puff, and finally said, "Enough!" + (chorus) +Puff used more resources than DCS could spare. +The operator killed Puff's job -- he didn't seem to care. +A gloom fell on the hackers; it seemed to be the end, +But Puff trapped the exception, and grew from naught again! + (chorus) +% No poet or novelist wishes he was the only one who ever lived, but most of them wish they were the only one alive, and quite a number fondly believe their wish has been granted. @@ -26808,6 +37062,11 @@ No problem is insoluble in all conceivable circumstances. % No problem is so formidable that you can't just walk away from it. % +No problem is so formidable that you can't just walk away from it. + -- C. Schulz +% +No problem is so large it can't be fit in somewhere. +% "No program is perfect," They said with a shrug. "The customer's happy-- @@ -26829,6 +37088,13 @@ Logic, deduction. Accepted his fate. "Just change one instruction." He's just working late." -- The Perfect Programmer % +"No proper program contains an indication which as an operator-applied +occurrence identifies an operator-defining occurrence which as an +indication-applied occurrence identifies an indication-defining +occurrence different from the one identified by the given indication as +an indication-applied occurrence." + -- ALGOL 68 Report +% No question is so difficult as one to which the answer is obvious. % No rock so hard but that a little wave @@ -26839,6 +37105,10 @@ No self-made man ever did such a good job that some woman didn't want to make some alterations. -- Kin Hubbard % +No self-respecting fish would want to be wrapped in that kind of paper. + -- Mike Royko on the Chicago Sun-Times after it was + taken over by Rupert Murdoch +% No skis take rocks like rental skis! % No small art is it to sleep: it is necessary @@ -26882,6 +37152,9 @@ No yak too dirty; no dumpster too hollow. % Nobody can be as agreeable as an uninvited guest. % +Nobody can be exactly like me. Sometimes even I have trouble doing it. + -- Tallulah Bankhead +% Nobody ever died from oven crude poisoning. % Nobody ever forgets where he buried the hatchet. @@ -26889,6 +37162,8 @@ Nobody ever forgets where he buried the hatchet. % Nobody ever ruined their eyesight by looking at the bright side of something. % +NOBODY EXPECTS THE SPANISH INQUISITION. +% Nobody is one block of harmony. We are all afraid of something, or feel limited in something. We all need somebody to talk to. It would be good if we talked to each other--not just pitter-patter, but real talk. We @@ -26915,6 +37190,8 @@ Watch how they wiggle and they squirm. Nobody really knows what happiness is, until they're married. And then it's too late. % +Nobody said computers were going to be polite. +% Nobody shot me. -- Frank Gusenberg, his last words, when asked by police who had shot him 14 times with a machine gun in the Saint @@ -26926,12 +37203,21 @@ Only Capone kills like that. The only man who kills like that is Bugs Moran. -- Al Capone, on the Saint Valentine's Day Massacre % +Nobody suffers the pain of birth or the anguish of loving a child in +order for presidents to make wars, for governments to feed on the +substance of their people, for insurance companies to cheat the young +and rob the old. + -- Lewis Lapham +% Nobody takes a bribe. Of course at Christmas if you happen to hold out your hat and somebody happens to put a little something in it, well, that's different. -- New York City Police Commissioner (Ret.) William P. O'Brien, instructions to the force. % +Nobody wants constructive criticism. +It's all we can do to put up with constructive praise. +% Nobody's gonna believe that computers are intelligent until they start coming in late and lying about it. % @@ -26948,9 +37234,15 @@ nolo contendere: nominal egg: New Yorkerese for expensive. % +Noncombatant, n.: + A dead Quaker. + -- Ambrose Bierce +% Non-Determinism is not meant to be reasonable. -- M. J. 0'Donnell % +Nondeterminism means never having to say you are wrong. +% None love the bearer of bad news. -- Sophocles % @@ -26964,12 +37256,18 @@ state of mind in which nothing is impossible. The moment one gets into the "expert" state of mind a great number of things become impossible. -- From Henry Ford Sr., "My Life and Work" % +Non-Reciprocal Laws of Expectations: + Negative expectations yield negative results. + Positive expectations yield negative results. +% Nonsense. Space is blue and birds fly through it. -- Heisenberg % Nonsense and beauty have close connections. -- E. M. Forster % +Non-sequiturs make me eat lampshades. +% Noone ever built a statue to a critic. % No-one would remember the Good Samaritan if he had only had good @@ -27110,6 +37408,8 @@ their courses. % Nostalgia is living life in the past lane. % +Nostalgia isn't what it used to be. +% Nostalgia just isn't what it used to be. % Not all men who drink are poets. @@ -27129,6 +37429,24 @@ Not every question deserves an answer. % Not everything worth doing is worth doing well. % +Not far from here, by a white sun, behind a green star, lived the +Steelypips, illustrious, industrious, and they hadn't a care: no spats +in their vats, no rules, no schools, no gloom, no evil influence of the +moon, no trouble from matter or antimatter -- for they had a machine, a +dream of a machine, with springs and gears and perfect in every +respect. And they lived with it, and on it, and under it, and inside +it, for it was all they had -- first they saved up all their atoms, +then they put them all together, and if one didn't fit, why they +chipped at it a bit, and everything was just fine ... + -- Stanislaw Lem, "Cyberiad" +% +Not Hercules could have knock'd out his brains, for he had none. + -- William Shakespeare +% +"Not only is this incomprehensible, but the ink is ugly and the paper +is from the wrong kind of tree." + -- Professor W., EECS, George Washington University +% Not only is this incomprehensible, but the ink is ugly and the paper is from the wrong kind of tree. -- Professor, EECS, George Washington University @@ -27163,9 +37481,21 @@ and/or frogs falling from the sky. % Note to myself: use real bullets next time. % +Notes for a ballet, "The Spell": ... Suddenly Sigmund hears the flutter +of wings, and a group of wild swans flies across the moon ... Sigmund +is astounded to see that their leader is part swan and part woman -- +unfortunately, divided lengthwise. She enchants Sigmund, who is +careful not to make any poultry jokes ... + -- Woody Allen +% +Nothing astonishes men so much as common sense and plain dealing. + -- Ralph Waldo Emerson +% Nothing can be done in one trip. -- Snider % +Nothing cures insomnia like the realization that it's time to get up. +% Nothing endures but change. -- Heraclitus [Yeah, yeah, "Everything changes but change itself." --JFK Ed.] @@ -27193,11 +37523,23 @@ Nothing is but what is not. % Nothing is ever a total loss; it can always serve as a bad example. % +Nothing is faster than the speed of light ... + +To prove this to yourself, try opening the refrigerator door before the +light comes on. +% Nothing is finished until the paperwork is done. % +Nothing is illegal if one hundred businessmen decide to do it. + -- Andrew Young +% Nothing is impossible for the man who doesn't have to do it himself. -- A. H. Weiler % +Nothing is more admirable than the fortitude with which millionaires +tolerate the disadvantages of their wealth. + -- Nero Wolfe +% Nothing is more quiet than the sound of hair going grey. % Nothing is rich but the inexhaustible wealth of nature. @@ -27215,6 +37557,10 @@ Where do I find nothing? % Nothing makes a person more productive than the last minute. % +Nothing makes one so vain as being told that one is a sinner. +Conscience makes egotists of us all. + -- Oscar Wilde +% Nothing matters very much, and few things matter at all. -- Arthur Balfour % @@ -27227,6 +37573,9 @@ the official is so impersonal and therefore the deepest insult which can be offered to a personality. -- Soren Kierkegaard % +Nothing recedes like success. + -- Walter Winchell +% Nothing shortens a journey so pleasantly as an account of misfortunes at which the hearer is permitted to laugh. -- Quentin Crisp @@ -27243,6 +37592,9 @@ Nothing succeeds like success. Nothing succeeds like the appearance of success. -- Christopher Lascl % +Nothing takes the taste out of peanut butter quite like unrequited love. + -- Charlie Brown +% Nothing that's forced can ever be right, If it doesn't come naturally, leave it. That's what she said as she turned out the light, @@ -27297,6 +37649,10 @@ Tapas, n: Dim Sum, n: Chinese for more food than you've ever seen in your entire life. % +November, n.: + The eleventh twelfth of a weariness. + -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary" +% Novinson's Revolutionary Discovery: When comes the revolution, things will be different -- @@ -27304,6 +37660,8 @@ Novinson's Revolutionary Discovery: % Now and then an innocent man is sent to the legislature. % +Now and then an innocent person is sent to the legislature. +% Now hatred is by far the longest pleasure; Men love in haste, but they detest at leisure. -- George Gordon, Lord Byron, "Don Juan" @@ -27314,6 +37672,11 @@ If he should stop before I wake, Give me a nudge for goodness' sake. -- Anonymous % +Now I lay me down to sleep +I pray the double lock will keep; +May no brick through the window break, +And, no one rob me till I awake. +% Now I lay me down to sleep, I pray the Lord my soul to keep, If I should die before I wake, @@ -27328,6 +37691,9 @@ Just lay my bones in the study hall. Tell my teacher I've done my best, Then pile my books upon my chest. % +Now is the time for all good men to come to. + -- Walt Kelly +% Now is the time for drinking; now the time to beat the earth with unfettered foot. -- Quintus Horatius Flaccus (Horace) @@ -27365,6 +37731,29 @@ To live in night's magical sphere More profoundly, more variously. -- Hermann Hesse, "Going to Sleep" % +Now that you've read Fortune's diet truths, you'll be prepared the next +time some housewife or boutique-owner-turned-diet-expert appears on TV +to plug her latest book. And, if you still feel a twinge of guilt for +eating coffee cake while listening to her exhortations, ask yourself +the following questions: + +(1) Do I dare trust a person who actually considers alfalfa sprouts a + food? +(2) Was the author's sole motive in writing this book to get rich + exploiting the forlorn hopes of chubby people like me? +(3) Would a longer life be worthwhile if it had to be lived as + prescribed ... without French-fried onion rings, pizza with + double cheese, or the occasional Mai-Tai? (Remember, living + right doesn't really make you live longer, it just *seems* like + longer.) + +That, and another piece of coffee cake, should do the trick. +% +"Now the Lord God planted a garden East of Whittier in a place called +Yorba Linda, and out of the ground he made to grow orange trees that +were good for food and the fruits thereof he labeled SUNKIST ..." + -- "The Begatting of a President" +% Now there's a violent movie titled, "The Croquet Homicide," or "Murder With Mallets Aforethought." -- Shelby Friedman, WSJ. @@ -27373,6 +37762,10 @@ Now there's three things you can do in a baseball game: you can win or you can lose or it can rain. -- Casey Stengel % +"Now this is a totally brain damaged algorithm. Gag me with a +smurfette." + -- P. Buhr, Computer Science 354 +% Now you're ready for the actual shopping. Your goal should be to get it over with as quickly as possible, because the longer you stay in the mall, the longer your children will have to listen to holiday songs on the mall @@ -27421,13 +37814,33 @@ Nuclear powered vacuum cleaners will probably be a reality within 10 years. manufacturers of vacuum cleaners), quoted in The New York Times, June 10, 1955. % +[Nuclear war] ... may not be desirable. + -- Edwin Meese III +% +"Nuclear war can ruin your whole compile." + -- Karl Lehenbauer +% +"Nuclear war would mean abolition of most comforts, and disruption of +normal routines, for children and adults alike." + -- Willard F. Libby, "You *Can* Survive Atomic Attack" +% +"Nuclear war would really set back cable." + -- Ted Turner +% +Nudists are people who wear one-button suits. +% Nuke the unborn gay female whales for Jesus. % Nuke them till they glow, then shoot them in the dark. % +(null cookie; hope that's ok) +% Nullum magnum ingenium sine mixtura dementiae fuit. -- Seneca % +Numeric stability is probably not all that important when you're +guessing. +% Nurse Donna: Oh, Groucho, I'm afraid I'm gonna wind up an old maid. Groucho: Well, bring her in and we'll wind her up together. Nurse Donna: Do you believe in computer dating? @@ -27449,6 +37862,13 @@ They needn't flush after they pish! Yes, and life's just swish, swish, swish, For all the fish!!! % +O give me a home, +Where the buffalo roam, +Where the deer and the antelope play, +Where seldom is heard +A discouraging word, +'Cause what can an antelope say? +% O imitators, you slavish herd! -- Quintus Horatius Flaccus (Horace) % @@ -27523,6 +37943,20 @@ Of all men's miseries, the bitterest is this: to know so much and have control over nothing. -- Herodotus % +Of all possible committee reactions to any given agenda item, the +reaction that will occur is the one which will liberate the greatest +amount of hot air. + -- Thomas L. Martin +% +Of all the animals, the boy is the most unmanageable. + -- Plato +% +Of all the words of witch's doom +There's none so bad as which and whom. +The man who kills both which and whom +Will be enshrined in our Who's Whom. + -- Fletcher Knebel +% Of all things man is the measure. -- Protagoras % @@ -27533,15 +37967,32 @@ Of course it's possible to love a human being if you don't know them too well. -- Charles Bukowski % +"Of ______course it's the murder weapon. Who would frame someone with a +fake?" +% +"Of course power tools and alcohol don't mix. Everyone knows power +tools aren't soluble in alcohol ..." + -- Crazy Nigel +% +Of course there's no reason for it, it's just our policy. +% Of course you can't flap your arms and fly to the moon. After awhile you'd run out of air to push against. % Of course you have a purpose -- to find a purpose. % +Of what you see in books, believe 75%. Of newspapers, believe 50%. +And of TV news, believe 25% -- make that 5% if the anchorman wears a +blazer. +% Office Automation: The use of computers to improve efficiency in the office by removing anyone you would want to talk with over coffee. % +Office Automation, n.: + The use of computers to improve efficiency by removing anyone +you would want to talk with over coffee. +% Official Project Stages: 1. Uncritical Acceptance 2. Wild Enthusiasm @@ -27556,11 +38007,22 @@ lampposts -- for support rather than illumination. % Often things ARE as bad as they seem! % +Ogden's Law: + The sooner you fall behind, the more time you have to catch +up. +% Oh, Aunty Em, it's so good to be home! % Oh, by the way, which one's Pink? -- Pink Floyd % +Oh Dad! We're ALL Devo! +% +Oh don't the days seem lank and long + When all goes right and none goes wrong, +And isn't your life extremely flat + With nothing whatever to grumble at! +% Oh Father, my Father, Oh what must I do? They're burning our streets and beating me blue. "Listen my son, I'll tell you the truth: @@ -27655,6 +38117,11 @@ said Don Carlos was afraid the ducks might run away, and since he didn't know how to build a cage he put them in holes. He's a smart dog." -- R. Bradford, "Red Sky At Morning" % +Oh, I am a C programmer and I'm okay + I muck with indices and structs all day +And when it works, I shout hoo-ray + Oh, I am a C programmer and I'm okay +% Oh, I am just a typical American boy From a typical American town. I believe in God and Senator Dodd @@ -27683,6 +38150,28 @@ I could drive a shiny Lincoln, If I dealt in good cocaine. -- To If I Only Had A Brain from "The Wizard of Oz" % +Oh, I don't blame Congress. If I had $600 billion at my disposal, I'd +be irresponsible, too. + -- Lichty & Wagner +% +Oh, I have slipped the surly bonds of earth, +And danced the skies on laughter silvered wings; +Sunward I've climbed and joined the tumbling mirth +Of sun-split clouds and done a hundred things +You have not dreamed of -- +Wheeled and soared and swung +High in the sunlit silence. +Hovering there +I've chased the shouting wind along and flung +My eager craft through footless halls of air. +Up, up along delirious, burning blue +I've topped the wind-swept heights with easy grace, +Where never lark, or even eagle flew; +And, while with silent, lifting mind I've trod +The high untrespassed sanctity of space, +Put out my hand, and touched the face of God. + -- John Gillespie Magee Jr., "High Flight" +% Oh I'm just a typical American boy From a typical American town. I believe in God and Senator Dodd @@ -27731,9 +38220,24 @@ Oh wearisome condition of humanity! Born under one law, to another bound. -- Fulke Greville, Lord Brooke % +Oh, well, I guess this is just going to be one of those lifetimes. +% Oh what a tangled web we weave, when first we practice to deceive. -- William Shakespeare % +Oh, when I was in love with you, + Then I was clean and brave, +And miles around the wonder grew + How well did I behave. + +And now the fancy passes by, + And nothing will remain, +And miles around they'll say that I + Am quite myself again. + -- A. E. Housman +% +Oh, wow! Look at the moon! +% Oh, ya doesn't have ta call me 'Johnson'! Well, you can call me 'Ray', or you can call me 'Jay', or you can call me 'R. J.', or you can call me 'Ray J.', or you can call me 'R. J. J.', or you can call me 'Ray J. Johnson', or @@ -27746,6 +38250,11 @@ Oh, yeah, life goes on, long after the thrill of livin' is gone. % O.K., fine. % +"OK, now let's look at four dimensions on the blackboard." + -- Dr. Joy +% +OK, so you're a Ph.D. Just don't touch anything. +% Okay, Okay -- I admit it. You didn't change that program that worked just a little while ago; I inserted some random characters into the executable. Please forgive me. You can recover the file by typing in @@ -27759,6 +38268,9 @@ Old age is always fifteen years old than I am. Old age is the harbor of all ills. -- Bion % +Old age is the most unexpected of things that can happen to a man. + -- Trotsky +% Old age is too high a price to pay for maturity. % Old Grandad is dead but his spirits live on. @@ -27782,22 +38294,44 @@ And so was her daughter, I guess... % Old musicians never die, they just decompose. % +Old programmers never die. They just branch to a new address. +% Old programmers never die, they just become managers. % Old programmers never die, they just hit account block limit. % +Old soldiers never die. Young ones do. +% Old timer, n: One who remembers when charity was a virtue and not an organization. % +Oliver's Law: + Experience is something you don't get until just after you need +it. +% omnibiblious, adj.: Indifferent to type of drink. Ex: "Oh, you can get me anything. I'm omnibiblious." % +Omnibiblious, adj.: + Indifferent to type of drink. "Oh, you can get me anything. +I'm omnibiblious." +% +OMNIVERSAL AWARENESS?? Oh, YEH!! First you need four GALLONS of +JELL-O and a BIG WRENCH!! ... I think you drop th' WRENCH in the JELL-O +as if it was a FLAVOR, or an INGREDIENT ... or ... I ... um ... +WHERE'S the WASHING MACHINES? +% On a clear day, U.C.L.A. % On a clear disk you can seek forever. -- P. Denning % +On a paper submitted by a physicist colleague: + +"This isn't right. This isn't even wrong." + -- Wolfgang Pauli +% On a tous un peu peur de l'amour, mais on a surtout peur de souffrir ou de faire souffrir. @@ -27809,6 +38343,11 @@ On ability: a colossus keeps his height, even if he stands in a well. -- Lucius Annaeus Seneca, 4BC - 65AD % +On account of being a democracy and run by the people, we are the only +nation in the world that has to keep a government four years, no matter +what it does. + -- Will Rogers +% On his way back from work, a driver came upon a horrible wreck in which one car looked exactly like his neighbor's. Stopping hurriedly on the side of the road, he ran toward the smoldering debris. @@ -27823,6 +38362,14 @@ pulled forth the head, holding it at arm's length. "Is this your friend?" "That's not him -- thank heavens," the man said. "Henry's much taller." % +On Monday mornings I am dedicated to the proposition that all men are +created jerks. + -- Avery +% +On Monday mornings I am dedicated to the proposition that all men are +created jerks. + -- H. Allen Smith, "Let the Crabgrass Grow" +% On Thanksgiving Day all over America, families sit down to dinner at the same moment -- halftime. % @@ -27833,12 +38380,35 @@ girl knelt by her bed to say her prayers. "God bless Mommy and Daddy and Keith and Kim," she said. As she began to get up, she quickly added, "Oh, and God, this is goodbye. We're moving to Hollywood." % +On the road, ZIPPY is a pinhead without a purpose, but never without a +POINT ... +% +On the subject of C program indentation: + + "In My Egotistical Opinion, most people's C programs should be + indented six feet downward and covered with dirt." + -- Blair P. Houghton +% On the whole, I'd rather be in Philadelphia. -- W. C. Fields' epitaph % +"On two occasions I have been asked [by members of Parliament!], `Pray, +Mr. Babbage, if you put into the machine wrong figures, will the right +answers come out?' I am not able rightly to apprehend the kind of +confusion of ideas that could provoke such a question." + -- Charles Babbage +% +Once ... in the wilds of Afghanistan, I lost my corkscrew, and we were +forced to live on nothing but food and water for days. + -- W. C. Fields, "My Little Chickadee" +% Once a word has been allowed to escape, it cannot be recalled. -- Quintus Horatius Flaccus (Horace) % +Once, adv.: + Enough. + -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary" +% Once, adv.: Enough. % Once again dread deed is done. @@ -27896,6 +38466,22 @@ children object to being tied, threaten to take them to see Santa Claus; that ought to shut them up. -- Dave Barry % +Once again, we come to the Holiday Season, a deeply religious time that +each of us observes, in his own way, by going to the mall of his +choice. + +In the old days, it was not called the Holiday Season; the Christians +called it "Christmas" and went to church; the Jews called it "Hanukkah" +and went to synagogue; the atheists went to parties and drank. People +passing each other on the street would say "Merry Christmas!" or "Happy +Hanukkah!" or (to the atheists) "Look out for the wall!" + -- Dave Barry, "Christmas Shopping: A Survivor's Guide" +% +Once at a social gathering, Gladstone said to Disraeli, "I predict, +Sir, that you will die either by hanging or of some vile disease". +Disraeli replied, "That all depends upon whether I embrace your +principals or your mistress". +% Once harm has been done, even a fool understands it. -- Homer % @@ -27922,6 +38508,28 @@ Three times is enemy action. Once it hits the fan, the only rational choice is to sweep it up, package it, and sell it as fertilizer. % +Once Law was sitting on the bench + And Mercy knelt a-weeping. +"Clear out!" he cried, "disordered wench! + Nor come before me creeping. +Upon your knees if you appear, +'Tis plain you have no standing here." + +Then Justice came. His Honor cried: + "YOUR states? -- Devil seize you!" +"Amica curiae," she replied -- + "Friend of the court, so please you." +"Begone!" he shouted -- "There's the door -- +I never saw your face before!" + -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary" +% +Once the realization is accepted that even between the closest human +beings infinite distances continue to exist, a wonderful living side by +side can grow up, if they succeed in loving the distance between them +which makes it possible for each to see each other whole against the +sky. + -- Rainer Rilke +% Once the toothpaste is out of the tube, it's hard to get it back in. -- H. R. Haldeman % @@ -27972,6 +38580,25 @@ possession. And the moral of the story is: The mourning after a terrible knight, nothing beats the dog of the bear that hit you. % +Once upon a time, when I was training to be a mathematician, a group of +us bright young students taking number theory discovered the names of +the smaller prime numbers. + +2: The Odd Prime -- + It's the only even prime, therefore it's odd. QED. +3: The True Prime -- + Lewis Carroll: "If I tell you three times, it's true." +31: The Arbitrary Prime -- + Determined by unanimous unvote. We needed an arbitrary prime + in case the prof asked for one, and so had an election. 91 + received the most votes (well, it *looks* prime) and 3+4i the + next most. However, 31 was the only candidate to receive none + at all. + +Since the composite numbers are formed from primes, their qualities are +derived from those primes. So, for instance, the number 6 is "odd but +true", while the powers of 2 are all extremely odd numbers. +% Once upon this midnight incoherent, While you pondered sentient and crystalline, Over many a broken and subordinate @@ -27986,8 +38613,18 @@ Once you've seen one nuclear war, you've seen them all. Once you've tried to change the world you find it's a whole bunch easier to change your mind. % +One advantage of talking to yourself is that you know at least +somebody's listening. + -- Franklin P. Jones +% "One Architecture, One OS" also translates as "One Egg, One Basket". % +"One basic notion underlying Usenet is that it is a cooperative." + +Having been on USENET for going on ten years, I disagree with this. +The basic notion underlying USENET is the flame. + -- Chuq Von Rospach +% One Bell System - it sometimes works. % One Bell System - it used to work before they installed the Dimension! @@ -28004,6 +38641,12 @@ One can search the brain with a microscope and not find the mind, and can search the stars with a telescope and not find God. -- J. Gustav White % +One cannot make an omelette without breaking eggs -- but it is amazing +how many eggs one can break without making a decent omelette. + -- Professor Charles P. Issawi +% +One can't proceed from the informal to the formal by formal means. +% One could not be a successful scientist without realizing that, in contrast to the popular conception supported by newspapers and mothers of scientists, a goodly number of scientists are not only narrow-minded and dull, but also @@ -28043,6 +38686,16 @@ life, my son. You take the parachute and leave me in God's hands." "That's very kind of you," the observant scout replied, "but there is no need. Reagan just jumped out with my knapsack." % +One day the King decided that he would force all his subjects to tell +the truth. A gallows was erected in front of the city gates. A herald +announced, "Whoever would enter the city must first answer the truth to +a question which will be put to him." Nasrudin was first in line. The +captain of the guard asked him, "Where are you going? Tell the truth +-- the alternative is death by hanging." "I am going," said Nasrudin, +"to be hanged on that gallows." "I don't believe you." "Very well, if +I have told a lie, then hang me!" "But that would make it the truth!" +"Exactly," said Nasrudin, "your truth." +% One day this guy is finally fed up with his middle-class existence and decides to do something about it. He calls up his best friend, who is a mathematical genius. "Look," he says, "do you suppose you could find some @@ -28086,6 +38739,9 @@ Finally chose, To bring his mad poem, To some sort of close". % +One difference between a man and a machine is that a machine is quiet +when well oiled. +% One doesn't have a sense of humor. It has you. -- Larry Gelbart % @@ -28123,6 +38779,9 @@ a rivalry of aim. One girl can be pretty -- but a dozen are only a chorus. -- F. Scott Fitzgerald, "The Last Tycoon" % +One good reason why computers can do more work than people is that they +never have to stop and answer the phone. +% One good suit is worth a thousand resumes. % One good thing about music, @@ -28146,14 +38805,27 @@ and end up with the atomic bomb. One hundred women are not worth a single testicle. -- Confucius % +One is not superior merely because one sees the world as odious. + -- Chateaubriand (1768-1848) +% One is often kept in the right road by a rut. -- Gustave Droz % +One learns to itch where one can scratch. + -- Ernest Bramah +% ONE LIFE TO LIVE for ALL MY CHILDREN in ANOTHER WORLD all THE DAYS OF OUR LIVES. % One man tells a falsehood, a hundred repeat it as true. % +One man's brain plus one other will produce one half as many ideas as +one man would have produced alone. These two plus two more will +produce half again as many ideas. These four plus four more begin to +represent a creative meeting, and the ratio changes to one quarter as +many ... + -- Anthony Chevins +% One man's constant is another man's variable. -- A. J. Perlis % @@ -28166,18 +38838,33 @@ One man's "magic" is another man's engineering. One man's Mede is another man's Persian. -- George M. Cohan % +One man's theology is another man's belly laugh. +% One measure of friendship consists not in the number of things friends can discuss, but in the number of things they need no longer mention. -- Clifton Fadiman % One meets his destiny often on the road he takes to avoid it. % +One monk said to the other, "The fish has flopped out of the net! How +will it live?" The other said, "When you have gotten out of the net, +I'll tell you." +% One must have a heart of stone to read the death of Little Nell by Dickens without laughing. -- Oscar Wilde % +One nice thing about egotists: they don't talk about other people. +% One nuclear bomb can ruin your whole day. % +One of my less pleasant chores when I was young was to read the Bible +from one end to the other. Reading the Bible straight through is at +least 70 percent discipline, like learning Latin. But the good parts +are, of course, simply amazing. God is an extremely uneven writer, but +when He's good, nobody can touch Him. + -- John Gardner, NYT Book Review, Jan 1983 +% One of the chief duties of the mathematician in acting as an advisor... is to discourage... from expecting too much from mathematics. @@ -28191,6 +38878,10 @@ One of the large consolations for experiencing anything unpleasant is the knowledge that one can communicate it. -- Joyce Carol Oates % +One of the lessons of history is that nothing is often a good thing to +do and always a clever thing to say. + -- Will Durant +% One of the major difficulties Trillian experienced in her relationship with Zaphod was learning to distinguish between him pretending to be stupid just to get people off their guard, pretending to be stupid because he couldn't @@ -28211,10 +38902,21 @@ One of the most striking differences between a cat and a lie is that a cat has only nine lives. -- Mark Twain % +One of the oldest problems puzzled over in the Talmud is: "Why did God +create goyim?" The generally accepted answer is "________somebody has to buy +retail." + -- Arthur Naiman, "Every Goy's Guide to Yiddish" +% One of the pleasures of reading old letters is the knowledge that they need no answer. -- George Gordon, Lord Byron % +One of the rules of Busmanship, New York style, is never surrender your +seat to another passenger. This may seem callous, but it is the best +way, really. If one passenger were to give a seat to someone who +fainted in the aisle, say, the others on the bus would become +disoriented and imagine they were in Topeka, Kansas. +% One of the signs of Napoleon's greatness is the fact that he once had a publisher shot. -- Siegfried Unseld @@ -28233,6 +38935,11 @@ And perhaps the horse will learn to sing. % One organism, one vote. % +One Page Principle: + A specification that will not fit on one page of 8.5x11 inch +paper cannot be understood. + -- Mark Ardis +% One person's error is another person's data. % One picture is worth 128K words. @@ -28258,9 +38965,37 @@ I think she'll know. Feed your head. Feed your head. -- Jefferson Airplane, "White Rabbit" % +One planet is all you get. +% One possible reason that things aren't going according to plan is that there never was a plan in the first place. % +One promising concept that I came up with right away was that you could +manufacture personal air bags, then get a law passed requiring that +they be installed on congressmen to keep them from taking trips. Let's +say your congressman was trying to travel to Paris to do a fact-finding +study on how the French government handles diseases transmitted by +sherbet. Just when he got to the plane, his mandatory air bag, +strapped around his waist, would inflate -- FWWAAAAAAPPPP -- thus +rendering him too large to fit through the plane door. It could also +be rigged to inflate whenever the congressman proposed a law. ("Mr. +Speaker, people ask me, why should October be designated as Cuticle +Inspection Month? And I answer that FWWAAAAAAPPPP.") This would save +millions of dollars, so I have no doubt that the public would violently +support a law requiring airbags on congressmen. The problem is that +your potential market is very small: there are only around 500 members +of Congress, and some of them, such as House Speaker "Tip" O'Neil, are +already too large to fit on normal aircraft. + -- Dave Barry, "'Mister Mediocre' Restaurants" +% +One reason why George Washington +Is held in such veneration: +He never blamed his problems +On the former Administration. + -- George O. Ludcke +% +One seldom sees a monument to a committee. +% One should always be in love. That is the reason one should never marry. -- Oscar Wilde % @@ -28282,6 +39017,14 @@ I started to drive over to the real Disneyland, but it was getting pretty late. -- Jack Handey, "The New Mexican", 1988. % +One thing the inventors can't seem to get the bugs out of is fresh +paint. +% +"One thing they don't tell you about doing experimental physics is that +sometimes you must work under adverse conditions ... like a state of +sheer terror." + -- W. K. Hartmann +% One thought driven home is better than three left on base. % One time the police stopped me for speeding. They said, "Don't you know the @@ -28298,21 +39041,43 @@ Hopin' that the train is on time, Sittin' downtown in a railway station, One toke over the line. % +One way to make your old car run better is to look up the price of a +new model. +% +One way to stop a runaway horse is to bet on him. +% +One, with God, is always a majority, but many a martyr has been burned +at the stake while the votes were being counted. + -- Thomas B. Reed +% One would like to stroke and caress human beings, but one dares not do so, because they bite. -- Vladimir Lenin % +One-Shot Case Study, n.: + The scientific equivalent of the four-leaf clover, from which +it is concluded all clovers possess four leaves and are sometimes +green. +% On-line: The idea that a human being should always be accessible to a computer. % +On-line, adj.: + The idea that a human being should always be accessible to a +computer. +% Only a fool has no doubts. % Only a mediocre person is always at his best. -- Laurence Peter % +Only adults have difficulty with childproof caps. +% Only fools are quoted. -- Anonymous % +Only God can make random selections. +% Only great masters of style can succeed in being obtuse. -- Oscar Wilde @@ -28329,6 +39094,9 @@ hot sugar, cold sugar, carbohydrates and grease. Ed.] Only kings, presidents, editors, and people with tapeworms have the right to use the editorial "we". % +Only presidents, editors, and people with tapeworms have the right to +use the editorial "we." +% Only someone with nothing to be sorry for smiles back at the rear of an elephant. % @@ -28355,6 +39123,8 @@ Only those who leisurely approach that which the masses are busy about can be busy about that which the masses take leisurely. -- Lao Tsu % +Only through hard work and perseverance can one truly suffer. +% Only two groups of people fall for flattery -- men and women. % Only two kinds of witnesses exist. The first live in a neighborhood where @@ -28422,6 +39192,8 @@ OPTIMIST: optimist, n: A bagpiper with a beeper. % +Optimization hinders evolution. +% Or you or I must yield up his life to Ahrimanes. I would rather it were you. I should have no hesitation in sacrificing my own life to spare yours, but we take stock next week, and it would not be fair on the company. @@ -28436,19 +39208,33 @@ Order and simplification are the first steps toward mastery of a subject -- the actual enemy is the unknown. -- Thomas Mann % +Oregano, n.: + The ancient Italian art of pizza folding. +% OREGON: Eighty billion gallons of water with no place to go on Saturday night. % +Oregon, n.: + Eighty billion gallons of water with no place to go on Saturday +night. +% O'Reilly's Law of the Kitchen: Cleanliness is next to impossible % Oreo % +Organic chemistry is the chemistry of carbon compounds. Biochemistry +is the study of carbon compounds that crawl. + -- Mike Adams +% Original thought is like original sin: both happened before you were born to people you could not have possibly met. -- Fran Lebowitz, "Social Studies" % +Osborn's Law: + Variables won't; constants aren't. +% Other than that, Mrs. Lincoln, how did you like the play? % Other women cloy @@ -28458,6 +39244,11 @@ Where most she satisfies. % Others can stop you temporarily, only you can do it permanently. % +Others will look to you for stability, so hide when you bite your nails. +% +O'Toole's Commentary on Murphy's Law: + Murphy was an optimist. +% Ouch! That felt good! -- Karen Gordon % @@ -28489,6 +39280,9 @@ to the Pentagon free of charge: We expect annual savings to be in the billions. -- Sojourners % +Our country has plenty of good five-cent cigars, but the trouble is +they charge fifteen cents for them. +% Our documentation manager was showing her 2 year old son around the office. He was introduced to me, at which time he pointed out that we were both holding bags of popcorn. We were both holding bottles of juice. But only @@ -28497,6 +39291,18 @@ holding bags of popcorn. We were both holding bottles of juice. But only Her reply: "He can have a lollipop any time he wants to. That's what it means to be a programmer." % +Our documentation manager was showing her two year old son around the +office. He was introduced to me, at which time he pointed out that we +were both holding bags of popcorn. We were both holding bottles of +juice. But only *__he* had a lollipop. + +He asked his mother, "Why doesn't HE have a lollipop?" + +Her reply: + + "He can have a lollipop any time he wants to. That's what it + means to be a programmer." +% Our houseplants have a good sense of humous. % Our informal mission is to improve the love life of operators worldwide. @@ -28507,11 +39313,18 @@ They have their day and cease to be; They are but broken lights of thee. -- Tennyson % +Our OS who art in CPU, UNIX be thy name. + Thy programs run, thy syscalls done, + In kernel as it is in user! +% Our parents were of Midwestern stock and very strict. They didn't want us to grow up to be spoiled and rich. If we left our tennis racquets in the rain, we were punished. -- Nancy Ellis (George Bush's sister), in the New Republic % +Our policy is, when in doubt, do the right thing. + -- Roy L. Ash, ex-president Litton Industries +% Our problems are so serious that the best way to talk about them is lightheartedly. % @@ -28533,6 +39346,12 @@ And pray that there's intelligent life somewhere out in space, 'Cause there's bugger all down here on Earth! -- Monty Python % +"Our vision is to speed up time, eventually eliminating it." + -- Alex Schure +% +Ours is a world of nuclear giants and ethical infants. + -- General Omar N. Bradley +% Ours is a world where people don't know what they want and are willing to go through hell to get it. % @@ -28544,9 +39363,16 @@ Out of the crooked timber of humanity no straight thing can ever be made. % Out of the mouths of babes does often come cereal. % +"Outside of a dog, a book is a man's best friend: and inside a dog, +it's too dark to read." + -- Groucho Marx +% Over the shoulder supervision is more a need of the manager than the programming task. % +Over the years, I've developed my sense of deja vu so acutely that now +I can remember things that *have* happened before ... +% Overall, the philosophy is to attack the availability problem from two complementary directions: to reduce the number of software errors through rigorous testing of running systems, and to reduce the effect of the remaining @@ -28566,9 +39392,15 @@ victim may wail, `But who could have dreamt of such an idiotic-looking move?' -- Fred Reinfeld, "The Complete Chess Course" % +Overdrawn? But I still have checks left! +% +Overflow on /dev/null: please empty the bit bucket. +% Overheard: "How do I feel? Great! And I kiss pretty good, too!" % +Overload -- core meltdown sequence initiated. +% Owe no man any thing... -- Romans 13:8 % @@ -28599,6 +39431,14 @@ tasteless, so that its presence can not be readily detected until it is too late. -- Chemical & Engineering News February 6, 1956 % +Ozman's Laws: + (1) If someone says he will do something "without fail," he + won't. + (2) The more people talk on the phone, the less money they + make. + (3) People who go to conferences are the ones who shouldn't. + (4) Pizza always burns the roof of your mouth. +% paak, n: A stadium or inclosed playing field. To put or leave (a a vehicle) for a time in a certain location. patato, n: The starchy, edible tuber of a widely cultivated plant. @@ -28624,11 +39464,20 @@ PAIN: % Pain is just God's way of hurting you. % +Painting, n.: + The art of protecting flat surfaces from the weather, and +exposing them to the critic. + -- Ambrose Bierce +% Pandora's Rule: Never open a box you didn't close. % +panic: can't find / +% panic: kernel segmentation violation. core dumped (only kidding) % +panic: kernel trap (ignored) +% Paprika Measure: 2 dashes == 1 smidgen @@ -28636,6 +39485,12 @@ Paprika Measure: 3 pinches == 1 soupcon 2 soupcons == too much paprika % +Paradise is exactly like where you are right now ... only much, much +better. + -- Laurie Anderson +% +Parallel lines never meet, unless you bend one or both of them. +% Paralysis through analysis. % PARANOIA: @@ -28645,14 +39500,48 @@ Paranoia doesn't mean the whole world isn't out to get you. % Paranoia is heightened awareness. % +Paranoia is simply an optimistic outlook on life. +% Paranoid Club meeting this Friday. Now ... just try to find out where! % +Paranoid schizophrenics outnumber their enemies at least two to one. +% +Paranoids are people, too; they have their own problems. It's easy to +criticize, but if everybody hated you, you'd be paranoid too. + -- D. J. Hicks +% Pardon me while I laugh. % +Pardon this fortune. Database under reconstruction. +% +Pardo's First Postulate: + Anything good in life is either illegal, immoral, or +fattening. + +Arnold's Addendum: + Everything else causes cancer in rats. +% Parents often talk about the younger generation as if they didn't have much of anything to do with it. % +Parker's Law: + Beauty is only skin deep, but ugly goes clean to the bone. +% +Parkinson's Fifth Law: + If there is a way to delay an important decision, the good +bureaucracy, public or private, will find it. +% +Parkinson's Fourth Law: + The number of people in any working group tends to increase +regardless of the amount of work to be done. +% +Parsley + is gharsley. + -- Ogden Nash +% +Parts that positively cannot be assembled in improper order will be. +% PARTY: A gathering where you meet people who drink so much you can't even remember their names. @@ -28669,10 +39558,27 @@ Pascal: Pascal is a language for children wanting to be naughty. -- Dr. Kasi Ananthanarayanan % +"Pascal is not a high-level language." + -- Steven Feiner +% +"Pascal is Pascal is Pascal is dog meat." + -- M. Devine and P. Larson, Computer Science 340 +% +Pascal, n.: + A programming language named after a man who would turn over in +his grave if he knew about it. +% Pascal Users: The Pascal system will be replaced next Tuesday by Cobol. Please modify your programs accordingly. % +Pascal Users: + To show respect for the 313th anniversary (tomorrow) of the +death of Blaise Pascal, your programs will be run at half speed. +% +Passionate hatred can give meaning and purpose to an empty life. + -- Eric Hoffer +% Password: % Passwords are implemented as a result of insecurity. @@ -28700,6 +39606,10 @@ A: That's sick, SURE. But a MAN eating a squirrel -- that's (heh, heh) par for the course, Charlie. -- Firesign Theatre % +Patageometry, n.: + The study of those mathematical properties that are invariant +under brain transplants. +% Patch griefs with proverbs. -- William Shakespeare, "Much Ado About Nothing" % @@ -28738,6 +39648,15 @@ Patriotism is the virtue of the vicious. Pauca sed matura. (Few but excellent.) -- Gauss % +Paul Revere was a tattle-tale. +% +Paul's Law: + In America, it's not how much an item costs, it's how much you +save. +% +Paul's Law: + You can't fall off the floor. +% Pause for storage relocation. % paycheck: @@ -28771,6 +39690,33 @@ Peace is much more precious than a piece of land... let there be no more wars. -- Mohammed Anwar Sadat, 1918-1981 % +Peace, n.: + In international affairs, a period of cheating between two +periods of fighting. + -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary" +% +Peanut Blossoms + +4 cups sugar 16 tbsp. milk +4 cups brown sugar 4 tsp. vanilla +4 cups shortening 14 cups flour +8 eggs 4 tsp. soda +4 cups peanut butter 4 tsp. salt + +Shape dough into balls. Roll in sugar and bake on ungreased cookie +sheet at 375 F. for 10-12 minutes. Immediately top each cookie with a +Hershey's kiss or star pressing down firmly to crack cookie. Makes a +hell of a lot. +% +Pecor's Health-Food Principle: + Never eat rutabaga on any day of the week that has a "y" in +it. +% +Pedaeration, n.: + The perfect body heat achieved by having one leg under the +sheet and one hanging off the edge of the bed. + -- Rich Hall, "Sniglets" +% pediddel: A car with only one working headlight. -- Rich Hall & Friends, "Sniglets" @@ -28807,6 +39753,10 @@ people and I'll show you someone who has built up a false image of himself -- no offense intended." -- Isaac Asimov, "Foundation's Edge" % +Penguin Trivia #46: + Animals who are not penguins can only wish they were. + -- Chicago Reader 10/15/82 +% PENGUINICITY!! % pension: @@ -28844,6 +39794,9 @@ if they have anything else to amuse them. People love high ideals, but they got to be about 33-percent plausible. -- The Best of Will Rogers % +People need good lies. There are too many bad ones. + -- Bokonon, "Cat's Cradle" by Kurt Vonnegut, Jr. +% People never lie so much as after a hunt, during a war, or before an election. -- Otto von Bismarck @@ -28852,6 +39805,9 @@ People of privilege will always risk their complete destruction rather than surrender any material part of their advantage. -- John Kenneth Galbraith % +People often find it easier to be a result of the past than a cause of +the future. +% People respond to people who respond. % People say I live in my own little fantasy world... well, at least they @@ -28873,6 +39829,18 @@ People that can't find something to live for always seem to find something to die for. The problem is, they usually want the rest of us to die for it too. % +"People think love is an emotion. Love is good sense." + -- Ken Kesey +% +People usually get what's coming to them ... unless it's been mailed. +% +People who are funny and smart and return phone calls get much better +press than people who are just funny and smart. + -- Howard Simons, "The Washington Post" +% +People who claim they don't let little things bother them have never +slept in a room with a single mosquito. +% People who fight fire with fire usually end up with ashes. -- Abigail Van Buren % @@ -28881,6 +39849,10 @@ People who go to conferences are the ones who shouldn't. People who have no faults are terrible; there is no way of taking advantage of them. % +People who have what they want are very fond of telling people who +haven't what they want that they don't want it. + -- Ogden Nash +% People who make no mistakes do not usually make anything. % People who push both buttons should get their wish. @@ -28893,6 +39865,14 @@ cold baths. People who think they know everything greatly annoy those of us who do. % +People will accept your ideas much more readily if you tell them that +Benjamin Franklin said it first. +% +People will buy anything that's one to a customer. +% +People will do tomorrow what they did today because that is what they +did yesterday. +% People with narrow minds usually have broad tongues. % People's Action Rules: @@ -28906,14 +39886,24 @@ Per buck you get more computing action with the small computer. -- R. W. Hamming % Pereant, inquit, qui ante nos nostra dixerunt. +"Confound those who have said our remarks before us." + -- Aelius Donatus +% +Pereant, inquit, qui ante nos nostra dixerunt. [Confound those who have said our remarks before us.] or [May they perish who have expressed our bright ideas before us.] -- Aelius Donatus % +Perfect day for scrubbing the floor and other exciting things. +% perfect guest: One who makes his host feel at home. % +Perfection is reached, not when there is no longer anything to add, but +when there is no longer anything to take away. + -- Antoine de Saint-Exupery +% Performance: A statement of the speed at which a computer system works. Or rather, might work under certain circumstances. Or was rumored @@ -28970,6 +39960,8 @@ Personifiers of the world, unite! You have nothing to lose but Mr. Dignity! -- Bernadette Bosky % +Personifiers Unite! You have nothing to lose but Mr. Dignity! +% Persons attempting to find a motive in this narrative will be prosecuted; persons attempting to find a moral in it will be banished; persons attempting to find a plot in it will be shot. By Order of the Author @@ -28990,6 +39982,12 @@ Pete: Waiter, this meat is bad. Waiter: Who told you? Pete: A little swallow. % +Peter Wemm Murphy Field, n.: + A field of abnormally frequent and severe Murphy's Law events +emanating from Mr. Peter Wemm. The field was first discovered and +identified in Denmark during the initial FreeBSD SMP development. +Mr. Wemm was residing in Australia at the time. +% Peter's hungry, time to eat lunch. % Peter's Law of Substitution: @@ -29003,6 +40001,10 @@ Peter's Principle: In every hierarchy, each employee tends to rise to the level of his incompetence. % +Peter's Law of Substitution: + Look after the molehills, and the mountains will look after +themselves. +% Peterson's Admonition: When you think you're going down for the third time -- just remember that you may have counted wrong. @@ -29021,15 +40023,23 @@ petribar: % Phasers locked on target, Captain. % +Philadelphia is not dull -- it just seems so because it is next to +exciting Camden, New Jersey. +% Philadelphia is not dull -- it just seems so because it is next to exciting Camden, New Jersy. % +Philogyny recapitulates erogeny; erogeny recapitulates philogyny. +% philosophy: The ability to bear with calmness the misfortunes of our friends. % philosophy: Unintelligible answers to insoluble problems. % +Philosophy will clip an angel's wings. + -- John Keats +% Phone call for chucky-pooh. % phosflink: @@ -29047,6 +40057,8 @@ farm-yard except that children are more troublesome and costly than chickens and women are not so completely enslaved as farm stock. -- George Bernard Shaw, "Getting Married" % +Pick another fortune cookie. +% Picking up the pieces of my sweet shattered dream, I wonder how the old folks are tonight, Her name was Ann, and I'll be damned if I recall her face, @@ -29073,6 +40085,10 @@ Pickle's Law: If Congress must do a painful thing, the thing must be done in an odd-number year. % +"Picture the sun as the origin of two intersecting 6-dimensional +hyperplanes from which we can deduce a certain transformational +sequence which gives us the terminal velocity of a rubber duck ..." +% Piddle, twiddle, and resolve, Not one damn thing do we solve. -- 1776 @@ -29088,6 +40104,12 @@ pig, n: inferior in scope, for it balks at pig. -- Ambrose Bierce % +Pig, n.: + An animal (Porcus omnivorous) closely allied to the human race +by the splendor and vivacity of its appetite, which, however, is +inferior in scope, for it balks at pig. + -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary" +% Pilfering Treasure property is particularly dangerous: big thieves are ruthless in punishing little thieves. -- Diogenes @@ -29110,12 +40132,28 @@ the infant on her head provoking her drunken father to drag the physician outside where he would beat him to death with a live ocelot. -- Love and Rockets % +PISCES (Feb. 19 - Mar. 20) + You have a vivid imagination and often think you are being +followed by the CIA or FBI. You have minor influence over your +associates and people resent your flaunting of your power. You lack +confidence and you are generally a coward. Pisces people do terrible +things to small animals. +% +PISCES (Feb. 19 to Mar. 20) + Take the high road, look for the good things, carry the +American Express card and a weapon. The world is yours today, as +nobody else wants it. Your mortgage will be foreclosed. You will +probably get run over by a bus. +% PISCES (Feb.19 - Mar.20) You will get some very interesting news of a promotion today. It will go to someone in the office you dislike and will be the job you wanted. Don't lend anyone a car today. You don't have a car. % +Pity the meek, for they shall inherit the earth. + -- Don Marquis +% pixel, n: A mischievous, magical spirit associated with screen displays. The computer industry has frequently borrowed from mythology: @@ -29124,6 +40162,9 @@ pixel, n: % P-K4 % +Plaese porrf raed. + -- Prof. Michael O'Longhlin, S.U.N.Y. Purchase +% Plagiarize, plagiarize, Let no man's work evade your eyes, Remember why the good Lord made your eyes, @@ -29141,10 +40182,23 @@ Plastic... Aluminum... These are the inheritors of the Universe! Flesh and Blood have had their day... and that day is past! -- Green Lantern Comics % +Plato, by the way, wanted to banish all poets from his proposed Utopia +because they were liars. The truth was that Plato knew philosophers +couldn't compete successfully with poets. + -- Kilgore Trout (Philip J. Farmer) "Venus on the Half + Shell" +% PLATONIC FRIENDSHIP: What develops when two people get tired of making love to each other. % +Play Rogue, visit exotic locations, meet strange creatures and kill +them. +% +Playing an unamplified electric guitar is like strumming on a picnic +table. + -- Dave Barry, "The Snake" +% Please do not look directly into laser with remaining eye. % Please don't put a strain on our friendship @@ -29165,6 +40219,8 @@ Please go away. % Please help keep the world clean: others may wish to use it. % +Please ignore previous fortune. +% Please keep your hands off the secretary's reproducing equipment. % Please, Mother! I'd rather do it myself! @@ -29228,6 +40284,16 @@ Please stand for the National Anthem: Thank you. You may resume your seat. % +Please take note: +% +Please try to limit the amount of "this room doesn't have any bazingas" +until you are told that those rooms are "punched out". Once punched +out, we have a right to complain about atrocities, missing bazingas, +and such. + -- N. Meyrowitz +% +Please, won't somebody tell me what diddie-wa-diddie means? +% PL/I -- "the fatal disease" -- belongs more to the problem set than to the solution set. -- Edsger W. Dijkstra, SIGPLAN Notices, Volume 17, Number 5 @@ -29239,13 +40305,45 @@ an uncontainable experience. % PLUG IT IN!!! % +PLUNDERER'S THEME +(to Supercalifragilisticexpialidocius) + +Pillage, rape, and loot and burn, but all in moderation. +If you do the things we say, then you'll soon rule the nation. +Kill your foes and enemies and then kill your relations. +Pillage, rape, and loot and burn, but all in moderation. +% Plus ca change, plus c'est le meme chose. % +Pohl's law: + Nothing is so good that somebody, somewhere, will not hate it. +% poisoned coffee, n: Grounds for divorce. % Poland has gun control. % +Police: Good evening, are you the host? +Host: No. +Police: We've been getting complaints about this party. +Host: About the drugs? +Police: No. +Host: About the guns, then? Is somebody complaining about the guns? +Police: No, the noise. +Host: Oh, the noise. Well that makes sense because there are no guns + or drugs here. (An enormous explosion is heard in the + background.) Or fireworks. Who's complaining about the noise? + The neighbors? +Police: No, the neighbors fled inland hours ago. Most of the recent + complaints have come from Pittsburgh. Do you think you could + ask the host to quiet things down? +Host: No Problem. (At this point, a Volkswagen bug with primitive + religious symbols drawn on the doors emerges from the living + room and roars down the hall, past the police and onto the + lawn, where it smashes into a tree. Eight guests tumble out + onto the grass, moaning.) See? Things are starting to wind + down. +% Political history is far too criminal a subject to be a fit thing to teach children. -- W. H. Auden @@ -29257,6 +40355,26 @@ here, a point there, and a lot of bull inbetween. Political television commercials prove one thing: some candidates can tell all their good points and qualifications in just 30 seconds. % +Political T.V. commercials prove one thing: some candidates can tell +all their good points and qualifications in just 30 seconds. +% +Politician, n.: + An eel in the fundamental mud upon which the superstructure of +organized society is reared. When he wriggles, he mistakes the +agitation of his tail for the trembling of the edifice. As compared +with the statesman, he suffers the disadvantage of being alive. + -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary" +% +Politician, n.: + From the Greek "poly" ("many") and the French "tete" ("head" or +"face," as in "tete-a-tete": head to head or face to face). Hence +"polytetien", a person of two or more faces. + -- Martin Pitt +% +Politicians are the same all over. They promise to build a bridge even +where there is no river. + -- Nikita Khrushchev +% Politicians should read science fiction, not westerns and detective stories. -- Arthur C. Clarke % @@ -29281,6 +40399,9 @@ Politics, as a practice, whatever its professions, has always been the systematic organisation of hatreds. -- Henry Adams, "The Education of Henry Adams" % +Politics is like coaching a football team. You have to be smart enough +to understand the game but not smart enough to lose interest. +% Politics is not the art of the possible. It consists in choosing between the disastrous and the unpalatable. -- John Kenneth Galbraith @@ -29312,20 +40433,45 @@ Pollyanna's Educational Constant: POLYGON: Dead parrot. % +Polymer physicists are into chains. +% Poorman's Rule: When you pull a plastic garbage bag from its handy dispenser package, you always get hold of the closed end and try to pull it open. % +Pope Goestheveezl was the shortest reigning pope in the history of the +Church, reigning for two hours and six minutes on 1 April 1866. The +white smoke had hardly faded into the blue of the Vatican skies before +it dawned on the assembled multitudes in St. Peter's Square that his +name had hilarious possibilities. The crowds fell about, helpless with +laughter, singing + Half a pound of tuppenny rice + Half a pound of treacle + That's the way the chimney smokes + Pope Goestheveezl +The square was finally cleared by armed carabineri with tears of +laughter streaming down their faces. The event set a record for +hilarious civic functions, smashing the previous record set when Baron +Hans Neizant B"ompzidaize was elected Landburgher of K"oln in 1653. + -- Mike Harding, "The Armchair Anarchist's Almanac" +% Populus vult decipi. [The people like to be deceived.] % Porsche; there simply is no substitute. -- Risky Business % +Portable, adj.: + Survives system reboot. +% POSITIVE: Being mistaken at the top of your voice. % +Positive, adj.: + Mistaken at the top of one's voice. + -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary" +% Possessions increase to fill the space available for their storage. -- Ryan % @@ -29367,6 +40513,8 @@ general butter-melting by all. FOR A FEW FRIES MORE: Takes up where AFOF left off! Cameo by Walter Cronkite, as every man's common 'tater! % +Pound for pound, the amoeba is the most vicious animal on earth. +% POVERTY: An unfortunate state that persists as long as anyone lacks anything he would like to have. @@ -29380,6 +40528,14 @@ poor people. Power and ignorance is a detestable cocktail. -- Poul Henningsen (1894-1967) % +Power corrupts. Absolute power is kind of neat. + -- John Lehman, Secretary of the Navy 1981-1987 +% +Power corrupts. And atomic power corrupts atomically. +% +Power corrupts. Powerpoint corrupts absolutely. + -- Vint Cerf +% Power is poison. % Power is the finest token of affection. @@ -29388,11 +40544,18 @@ Power, like a desolating pestilence, Pollutes whate'er it touches... -- Percy Bysshe Shelley % +Power, n: + The only narcotic regulated by the SEC instead of the FDA. +% Power tends to corrupt, absolute power corrupts absolutely. -- Lord Acton % PPRB -- Pillage, plunder, rape and burn. % +Practical people would be more practical if they would take a little +more time for dreaming. + -- J. P. McEvoy +% Practical politics consists in ignoring facts. -- Henry Adams % @@ -29423,6 +40586,8 @@ pray, n: Pray to God, but keep rowing to shore. -- Russian proverb % +Predestination was doomed from the start. +% Prediction is very difficult, especially of the future. -- Niels Bohr % @@ -29439,9 +40604,25 @@ Preserve wildlife -- pickle a squirrel today! % Preserve Wildlife! Throw a party today! % +President Reagan has noted that there are too many economic pundits and +forecasters and has decided on an excess prophets tax. +% +President Thieu says he'll quit if he doesn't get more than 50% of the +vote. In a democracy, that's not called quitting. + -- The Washington Post +% +Pretend to spank me -- I'm a pseudo-masochist! +% +Preudhomme's Law of Window Cleaning: + It's on the other side. +% Price's Advice: It's all a game -- play it to have fun. % +[Prime Minister Joseph] Chamberlain loves the working man -- he loves +to see him work. + -- Winston Churchill +% [Prime Minister MacDonald] has the gift of compressing the largest amount of words into the smallest amount of thought. -- Winston Churchill @@ -29471,6 +40652,20 @@ Prizes are for children. -- Charles Ives, upon being given, but refusing, the Pulitzer prize % +Pro is to con as progress is to Congress. +% +Probable-Possible, my black hen, +She lays eggs in the Relative When. +She doesn't lay eggs in the Positive Now +Because she's unable to postulate how. + -- Frederick Winsor +% +Probably the question asked most often is: Do one-celled animals have +orgasms? The answer is yes, they have orgasms almost constantly, which +is why they don't mind living in pools of warm slime. + -- Dave Barry, "Sex and the Single Amoeba: What Every + Teen Should Know" +% PROBLEM DRINKER: A man who never buys. % @@ -29480,6 +40675,10 @@ for twelve years? I'm still a professional trying to be the best actress I can. Why doesn't anyone send me the scripts that Faye Dunaway gets? -- Farrah Fawcett-Majors % +Prof: So the American government went to IBM to come up with a data + encryption standard and they came up with ... +Student: EBCDIC! +% Profanity is the one language all programmers know best. % Professor Gorden Newell threw another shutout in last week's Chem Eng. 130 @@ -29487,6 +40686,11 @@ midterm. Once again a student did not receive a single point on his exam. Newell has now tossed 5 shutouts this quarter. Newell's earned exam average has now dropped to a phenomenal 30%. % +Professor Gorden Newell threw another shutout in last week's Chem. +Eng. 130 midterm. Once again no student received a single point on +his exam. Newell has now tossed five shutouts this quarter. Newell's +earned exam average has now dropped to a phenomenal 30% +% PROGRAM: Any task that can't be completed in one telephone call or one day. Once a task is defined as a program ("training program," @@ -29509,6 +40713,11 @@ Programming Department: % Programming is an unnatural act. % +Programming today is a race between software engineers striving to +build bigger and better idiot-proof programs, and the Universe trying +to produce bigger and better idiots. So far, the Universe is winning. + -- Rich Cook +% PROGRESS: Medieval man thought disease was caused by invisible demons invading the body and taking possession of it. @@ -29539,10 +40748,97 @@ PROMOTION FROM WITHIN: % Promptness is its own reward, if one lives by the clock instead of the sword. % +Proof techniques #1: Proof by Induction. + +This technique is used on equations with "_n" in them. Induction +techniques are very popular, even the military used them. + +SAMPLE: Proof of induction without proof of induction. + + We know it's true for _n equal to 1. Now assume that it's true +for every natural number less than _n. _N is arbitrary, so we can take _n +as large as we want. If _n is sufficiently large, the case of _n+1 is +trivially equivalent, so the only important _n are _n less than _n. We +can take _n = _n (from above), so it's true for _n+1 because it's just +about _n. + QED. (QED translates from the Latin as "So what?") +% +Proof techniques #2: Proof by Oddity. + SAMPLE: To prove that horses have an infinite number of legs. +(1) Horses have an even number of legs. +(2) They have two legs in back and fore legs in front. +(3) This makes a total of six legs, which certainly is an odd number of + legs for a horse. +(4) But the only number that is both odd and even is infinity. +(5) Therefore, horses must have an infinite number of legs. + +Topics to be covered in future issues include proof by: + Intimidation + Gesticulation (handwaving) + "Try it; it works" + Constipation (I was just sitting there and ...) + Blatant assertion + Changing all the 2's to _n's + Mutual consent + Lack of a counterexample, and + "It stands to reason" +% Proper treatment will cure a cold in seven days, but left to itself, a cold will hang on for a week. -- Darrell Huff % +Proposed Additions to the PDP-11 Instruction Set: + +BBW Branch Both Ways +BEW Branch Either Way +BBBF Branch on Bit Bucket Full +BH Branch and Hang +BMR Branch Multiple Registers +BOB Branch On Bug +BPO Branch on Power Off +BST Backspace and Stretch Tape +CDS Condense and Destroy System +CLBR Clobber Register +CLBRI Clobber Register Immediately +CM Circulate Memory +CMFRM Come From -- essential for truly structured programming +CPPR Crumple Printer Paper and Rip +CRN Convert to Roman Numerals +% +Proposed Additions to the PDP-11 Instruction Set: + +DC Divide and Conquer +DMPK Destroy Memory Protect Key +DO Divide and Overflow +EMPC Emulate Pocket Calculator +EPI Execute Programmer Immediately +EROS Erase Read Only Storage +EXCE Execute Customer Engineer +HCF Halt and Catch Fire +IBP Insert Bug and Proceed +INSQSW Insert into queue somewhere (for FINO queues [First in never out]) +PBC Print and Break Chain +PDSK Punch Disk +% +Proposed Additions to the PDP-11 Instruction Set: + +PI Punch Invalid +POPI Punch Operator Immediately +PVLC Punch Variable Length Card +RASC Read And Shred Card +RPM Read Programmers Mind +RSSC Reduce Speed, Step Carefully (for improved accuracy) +RTAB Rewind Tape and Break +RWDSK Rewind Disk +RWOC Read Writing On Card +SCRBL Scribble to disk - faster than a write +SLC Search for Lost Chord +SPSW Scramble Program Status Word +SRSD Seek Record and Scar Disk +STROM Store in Read Only Memory +TDB Transfer and Drop Bit +WBT Water Binary Tree +% Prosperity makes friends, adversity tries them. -- Publilius Syrus % @@ -29555,6 +40851,9 @@ prototype, n. upgrade, corrected upgrade, etc. Unlike its successors, the prototype is not expected to work. % +"Protozoa are small, and bacteria are small, but viruses are smaller +than the both put together." +% Providence New Jersey is one of the few cities where Velveeta cheese appears on the gourmet shelf. % @@ -29564,6 +40863,9 @@ Pryor's Observation: How long you live has nothing to do with how long you are going to be dead. % +Psychiatrists say that one out of four people are mentally ill. Check +three friends. If they're OK, you're it. +% Psychiatry enables us to correct our faults by confessing our parents' shortcomings. -- Dr. Laurence J. Peter, "Peter's Principles" @@ -29599,6 +40901,10 @@ Psychology. Mind over matter. Mind under matter? It doesn't matter. Never mind. % +Psychotherapy is the theory that the patient will probably get well +anyhow and is certainly a damn fool. + -- H. L. Mencken +% Public use of any portable music system is a virtually guaranteed indicator of sociopathic tendencies. -- Zoso @@ -29621,6 +40927,17 @@ passengers will hurl him overboard by the end of the first day even if they have plenty of food and water. -- Dave Barry % +Puns are little "plays on words" that a certain breed of person loves +to spring on you and then look at you in a certain self-satisfied way +to indicate that he thinks that you must think that he is by far the +cleverest person on Earth now that Benjamin Franklin is dead, when in +fact what you are thinking is that if this person ever ends up in a +lifeboat, the other passengers will hurl him overboard by the end of +the first day even if they have plenty of food and water. + -- Dave Barry, "Why Humor is Funny" +% +Pure drivel tends to drive ordinary drivel off the TV screen. +% PURGE COMPLETE. % PURITAN: @@ -29639,6 +40956,8 @@ Push where it gives and scratch where it itches. % Pushing 30 is exercise enough. % +Pushing 40 is exercise enough. +% Pushing forty is exercise enough. % Put a pot of chili on the stove to simmer. @@ -29665,6 +40984,8 @@ It's hacking, hacking, hacking. % Put cats in the coffee and mice in the tea! % +Put no trust in cryptic comments. +% Put not your trust in money, but put your money in trust. % Put your best foot forward. @@ -29672,8 +40993,16 @@ Or just call in and say you're sick. % Put your brain in gear before starting your mouth in motion. % +Put your Nose to the Grindstone! + -- Amalgamated Plastic Surgeons and Toolmakers, Ltd. +% Put your trust in those who are worthy. % +Putt's Law: + Technology is dominated by two types of people: + Those who understand what they do not manage. + Those who manage what they do not understand. +% Pyro's of the world... IGNITE !!! % Q: Are we not men? @@ -30268,6 +41597,102 @@ A: 'Cause if you give him a bowl, he'll throw it away. Q: Why was Stonehenge abandoned? A: It wasn't IBM compatible. % +Q: Do you know what the death rate around here is? +A: One per person. +% +Q: How did you get into artificial intelligence? +A: Seemed logical -- I didn't have any real intelligence. +% +Q: How many DEC repairmen does it take to fix a flat? +A: Five; four to hold the car up and one to swap tires. + +Q: How long does it take? +A: It's indeterminate. It will depend upon how many flats they've + brought with them. + +Q: What happens if you've got TWO flats? +A: They replace your generator. +% +Q: How many existentialists does it take to screw in a lightbulb? +A: Two. One to screw it in and one to observe how the lightbulb + itself symbolizes a single incandescent beacon of subjective + reality in a netherworld of endless absurdity reaching out toward a + maudlin cosmos of nothingness. +% +Q: How many heterosexual males does it take to screw in a light bulb + in San Francisco? +A: Both of them. +% +Q: How many IBM CPUs does it take to do a logical right shift? +A: 33. 1 to hold the bits and 32 to push the register. +% +Q: How many IBM CPUs does it take to execute a job? +A: Four; three to hold it down, and one to rip its head off. +% +Q: How many IBM types does it take to change a light bulb? +A: 100. Ten to do it, and 90 to write document number GC7500439-0001, + Multitasking Incandescent Source System Facility, of which 10% of + the pages state only "This page intentionally left blank", and 20% + of the definitions are of the form "A ...... consists of sequences + of non-blank characters separated by blanks". +% +Q: How many journalists does it take to screw in a lightbulb? +A: Three. One to report it as an inspired government program to bring + light to the people, one to report it as a diabolical government + plot to deprive the poor of darkness, and one to win a Pulitzer + prize for reporting that Electric Company hired a lightbulb + assassin to break the bulb in the first place. +% +Q: How many Martians does it take to screw in a lightbulb? +A: One and a half. +% +Q: How many mathematicians does it take to screw in a lightbulb? +A: One. He gives it to six Californians, thereby reducing the problem + to the earlier joke. +% +Q: How many Oregonians does it take to screw in a light bulb? +A: Three. One to screw in the lightbulb and two to fend off all those + Californians trying to share the experience. +% +Q: How many surrealists does it take to change a light bulb? +A: Two. One to hold the giraffe and the other to fill the bathtub + with brightly colored machine tools. +% +Q: How many Zen masters does it take to screw in a light bulb? +A: None. The Universe spins the bulb, and the Zen master stays out + of the way. +% +Q: What's a light-year? +A: One-third less calories than a regular year. +% +Q: Why did the tachyon cross the road? +A: Because it was on the other side. +% +Q: Why do ducks have flat feet? +A: To stamp out forest fires. + +Q: Why do elephants have flat feet? +A: To stamp out flaming ducks. +% +Q: Why do mountain climbers rope themselves together? +A: To prevent the sensible ones from going home. +% +Q: Somebody just posted that Roman Polanski directed Star Wars. What + should I do? + +A: Post the correct answer at once! We can't have people go on + believing that! Very good of you to spot this. You'll probably be + the only one to make the correction, so post as soon as you can. No + time to lose, so certainly don't wait a day, or check to see if + somebody else has made the correction. + + And it's not good enough to send the message by mail. Since you're + the only one who really knows that it was Francis Coppola, you have + to inform the whole net right away! + + -- Brad Templeton, "Emily Postnews Answers Your + Questions on Netiquette" +% Q: What do you get when you cross a mobster with an international standard? A: You get someone who makes you an offer that you can't understand! % @@ -30653,6 +42078,10 @@ QUALITY CONTROL: The process of testing one out of every 1,000 units coming off a production line to make sure that at least one out of 100 works. % +Quality Control, n.: + The process of testing one out of every 1,000 units coming off +a production line to make sure that at least one out of 100 works. +% Quantity is no substitute for quality, but its the only one we've got. % @@ -30688,15 +42117,47 @@ they're changed or help speed the change by breaking them? Questionable day. Ask somebody something. % +Question: +Man Invented Alcohol, +God Invented Grass. +Who do you trust? +% Questions are never indiscreet, answers sometimes are. -- Oscar Wilde % +Quick!! Act as if nothing has happened! +% +Quick, sing me the BUDAPEST NATIONAL ANTHEM!! +% +Quidquid latine dictum sit, altum viditur. + +(Whatever is said in Latin sounds profound.) +% +Quigley's Law: + Whoever has any authority over you, no matter how small, will +attempt to use it. +% Quit worrying about your health. It'll go away. -- Robert Orben % Quite frankly, I don't like you humans. After what you all have done, I find being "inhuman" a compliment. % +QUOTE OF THE DAY: + + ` + +% +Qvid me anxivs svm? +% +QWERT (kwirt), n. [MW < OW qwertyuiop, a thirteenth]: + 1. a unit of weight equal to 13 poiuyt avoirdupois (or 1.69 +kiloliks), commonly used in structural engineering; 2. [colloq.] one +thirteenth the load that a fully grown sligo can carry; 3. [anat.] a +painful irritation of the dermis in the region of the anus; 4. [slang] +person who excites in others the symptoms of a qwert. + -- Webster's Middle World Dictionary, 4th ed. +% Radicalism: The conservatism of tomorrow injected into the affairs of today. -- Ambrose Bierce @@ -30705,6 +42166,8 @@ RADIO SHACK LEVEL II BASIC READY >_ % +Radioactive cats have 18 half-lives. +% Raffiniert ist der Herrgott aber boshaft ist er nicht. -- Albert Einstein % @@ -30734,6 +42197,37 @@ Rarely do people communicate; they just take turns talking. Rascal, am I? Take THAT! -- Errol Flynn % +Rattling around the back of my head is a disturbing image of something +I saw at the airport ... Now I'm remembering, those giant piles of +computer magazines right next to "People" and "Time" in the airport +store. Does it bother anyone else that half the world is being told +all of our hard-won secrets of computer technology? Remember how all +the lawyers cried foul when "How to Avoid Probate" was published? Are +they taking no-fault insurance lying down? No way! But at the current +rate it won't be long before there are stacks of the "Transactions on +Information Theory" at the A&P checkout counters. Who's going to be +impressed with us electrical engineers then? Are we, as the saying +goes, giving away the store? + -- Robert W. Lucky, IEEE President +% +Ray's Rule of Precision: + Measure with a micrometer. Mark with chalk. Cut with an axe. +% +Razors pain you; +Rivers are damp; +Acids stain you; +And drugs cause cramp. +Guns aren't lawful; +Nooses give; +Gas smells awful; +You might as well live. + -- Dorothy Parker, "Resume", 1926 +% +Re: Graphics: + A picture is worth 10K words -- but only those to describe + the picture. Hardly any sets of 10K words can be adequately + described with pictures. +% Reach into the thoughts of friends, And find they do not know your name. Squeeze the teddy bear too tight, @@ -30752,33 +42246,144 @@ And know you are alone. % Reactor error - core dumped! % +Reader, suppose you were an idiot. And suppose you were a member of +Congress. But I repeat myself. + -- Mark Twain +% Reading is thinking with someone else's head instead of one's own. % Reading is to the mind what exercise is to the body. % Reagan can't act either. % +Real computer scientists admire ADA for its overwhelming aesthetic +value but they find it difficult to actually program in it, as it is +much too large to implement. Most computer scientists don't notice +this because they are still arguing over what else to add to ADA. +% +Real computer scientists despise the idea of actual hardware. Hardware +has limitations, software doesn't. It's a real shame that Turing +machines are so poor at I/O. +% +Real computer scientists don't comment their code. The identifiers are +so long they can't afford the disk space. +% +Real computer scientists don't program in assembler. They don't write +in anything less portable than a number two pencil. +% +Real computer scientists don't write code. They occasionally tinker +with `programming systems', but those are so high level that they +hardly count (and rarely count accurately; precision is for +applications.) +% Real computer scientists like having a computer on their desk, else how could they read their mail? % +Real computer scientists only write specs for languages that might run +on future hardware. Nobody trusts them to write specs for anything homo +sapiens will ever be able to fit on a single planet. +% Real programmers admire ADA for its overwhelming aesthetic value but they find it difficult to actually program in it, as it is much too large to implement. Most computer scientists don't notice this because they are still arguing over what else to add to ADA. % +Real programmers disdain structured programming. Structured +programming is for compulsive neurotics who were prematurely toilet- +trained. They wear neckties and carefully line up pencils on otherwise +clear desks. +% +Real programmers don't bring brown-bag lunches. If the vending machine +doesn't sell it, they don't eat it. Vending machines don't sell +quiche. +% +Real programmers don't comment their code. It was hard to write, it +should be hard to understand. +% Real programmers don't document; if it was hard to write, it should be hard to understand. % +Real programmers don't draw flowcharts. Flowcharts are, after all, the +illiterate's form of documentation. Cavemen drew flowcharts; look how +much good it did them. +% Real Programmers don't eat quiche. They eat Twinkies and Szechwan food. % +Real Programmers don't play tennis, or any other sport that requires +you to change clothes. Mountain climbing is OK, and real programmers +wear their climbing boots to work in case a mountain should suddenly +spring up in the middle of the machine room. +% +Real programmers don't write in BASIC. Actually, no programmers write +in BASIC after reaching puberty. +% +Real programmers don't write in FORTRAN. FORTRAN is for pipe stress +freaks and crystallography weenies. FORTRAN is for wimp engineers who +wear white socks. +% Real Programmers don't write in FORTRAN. FORTRAN is for pipe stress freaks and crystallography weenies. % +Real Programmers don't write in PL/I. PL/I is for programmers who +can't decide whether to write in COBOL or FORTRAN. +% +Real Programmers think better when playing Adventure or Rogue. +% Real programs don't eat cache. % +Real Programs don't use shared text. Otherwise, how can they use +functions for scratch space after they are finished calling them? +% +Real software engineers don't debug programs, they verify correctness. +This process doesn't necessarily involve execution of anything on a +computer, except perhaps a Correctness Verification Aid package. +% +Real software engineers don't like the idea of some inexplicable and +greasy hardware several aisles away that may stop working at any +moment. They have a great distrust of hardware people, and wish that +systems could be virtual at *___all* levels. They would like personal +computers (you know no one's going to trip over something and kill your +DFA in mid-transit), except that they need 8 megabytes to run their +Correctness Verification Aid packages. +% +Real software engineers work from 9 to 5, because that is the way the +job is described in the formal spec. Working late would feel like +using an undocumented external procedure. +% +Real Time, adj.: + Here and now, as opposed to fake time, which only occurs there +and then. +% +Real Users are afraid they'll break the machine -- but they're never +afraid to break your face. +% +Real Users find the one combination of bizarre input values that shuts +down the system for days. +% +Real Users hate Real Programmers. +% +Real Users know your home telephone number. +% +Real Users never know what they want, but they always know when your +program doesn't deliver it. +% +Real Users never use the Help key. +% Real wealth can only increase. -- R. Buckminster Fuller % +Real World, The n.: + 1. In programming, those institutions at which programming may +be used in the same sentence as FORTRAN, COBOL, RPG, IBM, etc. 2. To +programmers, the location of non-programmers and activities not related +to programming. 3. A universe in which the standard dress is shirt and +tie and in which a person's working hours are defined as 9 to 5. +4. The location of the status quo. 5. Anywhere outside a university. +"Poor fellow, he's left MIT and gone into the real world." Used +pejoratively by those not in residence there. In conversation, talking +of someone who has entered the real world is not unlike talking about a +deceased person. +% Reality -- what a concept! -- Robin Williams % @@ -30786,18 +42391,37 @@ Reality always seems harsher in the early morning. % Reality does not exist - yet. % +Reality is a cop-out for people who can't handle drugs. +% +Reality is an obstacle to hallucination. +% +Reality is bad enough, why should I tell the truth? + -- Patrick Sky +% Reality is for people who can't deal with drugs. -- Lily Tomlin % +Reality is for people who lack imagination. +% +Reality is for those who can't face Science Fiction. +% +Reality is just a convenient measure of complexity. + -- Alvy Ray Smith +% Reality is just a crutch for people who can't handle science fiction. % Reality is nothing but a collective hunch. -- Lily Tomlin % +"Reality is that which, when you stop believing in it, doesn't go away". + -- Philip K. Dick +% Reality must take precedence over public relations, for Mother Nature cannot be fooled. -- R. P. Feynman % +"Really ?? What a coincidence, I'm shallow too!!" +% Reappraisal, n: An abrupt change of mind after being found out. % @@ -30808,6 +42432,10 @@ Receiving a million dollars tax free will make you feel better than being flat broke and having a stomach ache. -- Dolph Sharp % +Receiving a million dollars tax free will make you feel better than +being flat broke and having a stomach ache. + -- Dolph Sharp, "I'm O.K., You're Not So Hot" +% Recent investments will yield a slight profit. % Recent research has tended to show that the Abominable No-Man @@ -30831,6 +42459,12 @@ Reception area, n: while the receptionist blithely reads her own trade magazine -- Cosmopolitan. % +Recession is when your neighbor loses his job. Depression is when you +lose your job. These economic downturns are very difficult to predict, +but sophisticated econometric modeling houses like Data Resources and +Chase Econometrics have successfully predicted 14 of the last 3 +recessions. +% Recipe for a Pan Galactic Gargle Blaster: (1) Take the juice from one bottle of Ol' Janx Spirit (2) Pour into it one measure of water from the seas of @@ -30845,6 +42479,15 @@ Recipe for a Pan Galactic Gargle Blaster: (8) Add an olive. (9) Drink... but... very carefully... % +Reclaimer, spare that tree! +Take not a single bit! +It used to point to me, +Now I'm protecting it. +It was the reader's CONS +That made it, paired by dot; +Now, GC, for the nonce, +Thou shalt reclaim it not. +% Recursion is the root of computation since it trades description for time. % @@ -30867,6 +42510,23 @@ Reichel's Law: Reinhart was never his mother's favorite -- and he was an only child. -- Thomas Berger % +"Reintegration complete," ZORAC advised. "We're back in the universe +again ..." An unusually long pause followed, "... but I don't know +which part. We seem to have changed our position in space." A +spherical display in the middle of the floor illuminated to show the +starfield surrounding the ship. + +"Several large, artificial constructions are approaching us," ZORAC +announced after a short pause. "The designs are not familiar, but they +are obviously the products of intelligence. Implications: we have been +intercepted deliberately by a means unknown, for a purpose unknown, and +transferred to a place unknown by a form of intelligence unknown. +Apart from the unknowns, everything is obvious." + -- James P. Hogan, "Giants Star" +% +Reisner's Rule of Conceptual Inertia: + If you think big enough, you'll never have to do it. +% Relations are simply a tedious pack of people, who haven't the remotest knowledge of how to live, nor the smallest instinct about when to die. -- Oscar Wilde, "The Importance of Being Earnest" @@ -30878,6 +42538,9 @@ has no need to put up a front of any kind. Reliable source, n: The guy you just met. % +Religion has done love a great service by making it a sin. + -- Anatole France +% Religion is a crutch, but that's okay... humanity is a cripple. % Religion is what keeps the poor from murdering the rich. @@ -30890,8 +42553,14 @@ extraordinarily gifted English artist, Mr. Rippingille. -- John Hunt, British editor, scholar and art critic Cerf/Navasky, "The Experts Speak" % +Rembrandt's first name was Beauregard, which is why he never used it. + -- Dave Barry +% Remember -- only 10% of anything can be in the top 10%. % +Remember: Silly is a state of Mind, Stupid is a way of Life. + -- Dave Butler +% Remember Darwin; building a better mousetrap merely results in smarter mice. % @@ -30900,6 +42569,11 @@ with one, because EVERYONE wants two desserts, but NO ONE wants two deserts. -- Miss Oglethorp, Gr. 5, PS. 59 % +Remember, drive defensively! And of course, the best defense is a good +offense! +% +Remember, even if you win the rat race -- you're still a rat. +% Remember folks. Street lights timed for 35 mph are also timed for 70 mph. -- Jim Samuels % @@ -30925,6 +42599,10 @@ you will be happy to hear that the phone is for you. Remember that there is an outside world to see and enjoy. -- Hans Liepmann % +Remember that whatever misfortune may be your lot, it could only be +worse in Cleveland. + -- National Lampoon, "Deteriorata" +% Remember that whatever misfortune may be your lot, it could only be worse in Cleveland. % @@ -30943,6 +42621,8 @@ That youth and observation copied there. % Remember to say hello to your bank teller. % +Remember, UNIX spelled backwards is XINU. +% Remember: use logout to logout. % Remembering is for those who have forgotten. @@ -30957,6 +42637,9 @@ Yet kindly sells himself for nought; Removing the straw that broke the camel's back does not necessarily allow the camel to walk again. % +Renning's Maxim: + Man is the highest animal. Man does the classifying. +% Repartee is something we think of twenty-four hours too late. -- Mark Twain % @@ -30976,6 +42659,30 @@ Yogi Berra: "Closed." Reporter: "What would you do if you found a million dollars?" Yogi Berra: "If the guy was poor, I would give it back." % +Reporter, n.: + A writer who guesses his way to the truth and dispels it with a +tempest of words. + -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary" +% +REPORTER: Senator, are you for or against the MX missile system? + +SENATOR: Bob, the MX missile system reminds me of an old saying that +the country folk in my state like to say. It goes like this: "You can +carry a pig for six miles, but if you set it down it might run away." +I have no idea why the country folk say this. Maybe there's some kind +of chemical pollutant in their drinking water. That is why I pledge to +do all that I can to protect the environment of this great nation of +ours, and put prayer back in the schools, where it belongs. What we +need is jobs, not empty promises. I realize I'm risking my political +career by being so outspoken on a sensitive issue such as the MX, but +that's just the kind of straight-talking honest person I am, and I +can't help it. + -- Dave Barry, "On Presidential Politics" +% +Reporter (to Mahatma Gandhi): Mr Gandhi, what do you think of Western + Civilization? +Gandhi: I think it would be a good idea. +% Republicans raise dahlias, Dalmatians and eyebrows. Democrats raise Airedales, kids and taxes. @@ -31002,6 +42709,9 @@ so you're still a valiant nerd. Research is to see what everybody else has seen, and think what nobody else has thought. % +Research is what I'm doing when I don't know what I'm doing. + -- Wernher von Braun +% Research, n: Consider Columbus: He didn't know where he was going. @@ -31009,6 +42719,9 @@ Research, n: When he got back he didn't know where he had been. And he did it all on someone else's money. % +Resisting temptation is easier when you think you'll probably get +another chance later on. +% Responsibility: Everyone says that having power is a great responsibility. This is a lot of bunk. Responsibility is when someone can blame you if something @@ -31031,6 +42744,23 @@ Revenge is a form of nostalgia. % Revenge is a meal best served cold. % +Review Questions + +(1) If Nerd on the planet Nutley starts out in his spaceship at 20 KPH, + and his speed doubles every 3.2 seconds, how long will it be before + he exceeds the speed of light? How long will it be before the + Galactic Patrol picks up the pieces of his spaceship? + +(2) If Roger Rowdy wrecks his car every week, and each week he breaks + twice as many bones as before, how long will it be before he breaks + every bone in his body? How long will it be before they cut off + his insurance? Where does he get a new car every week? + +(3) If Johnson drinks one beer the first hour (slow start), four beers + the next hour, nine beers the next, etc., and stacks the cans in a + pyramid, how soon will Johnson's pyramid be larger than King + Tut's? When will it fall on him? Will he notice? +% Revolution, n: A form of government abroad. % @@ -31041,6 +42771,18 @@ Revolution, n: revolutionary, adj: Repackaged. % +Rhode's Law: + When any principle, law, tenet, probability, happening, +circumstance, or result can in no way be directly, indirectly, +empirically, or circuitously proven, derived, implied, inferred, +induced, deducted, estimated, or scientifically guessed, it will always +for the purpose of convenience, expediency, political advantage, +material gain, or personal comfort, or any combination of the above, or +none of the above, be unilaterally and unequivocally assumed, +proclaimed, and adhered to as absolute truth to be undeniably, +universally, immutably, and infinitely so, until such time as it +becomes advantageous to assume otherwise, maybe. +% Rich bachelors should be heavily taxed. It is not fair that some men should be happier than others. -- Oscar Wilde @@ -31065,6 +42807,9 @@ Renault: "Oh. Thank you very much." Riffle West Virginia is so small that the Boy Scout had to double as the town drunk. % +"Right now I'm having amnesia and deja vu at the same time." + -- Steven Wright +% Righteous people terrify me ... virtue is its own punishment. -- Aneurin Bevan % @@ -31089,6 +42834,10 @@ Robot, n: Robustness, adj: Never having to say you're sorry. % +Rocky's Lemma of Innovation Prevention + Unless the results are known in advance, funding agencies will + reject the proposal. +% Romance, like alcohol, should be enjoyed, but should not be allowed to become necessary. -- Edgar Friedenberg @@ -31098,12 +42847,20 @@ Rome was not built in one day. % Rome wasn't burnt in a day. % +ROMEO: Courage, man; the hurt cannot be much. +MERCUTIO: No, 'tis not so deep as a well, nor so wide as a church- + door; but 'tis enough, 'twill serve. +% Romeo was restless, he was ready to kill, He jumped out the window 'cause he couldn't sit still, Juliet was waiting with a safety net, Said "don't bury me 'cause I ain't dead yet". -- Elvis Costello % +Romeo wasn't bilked in a day. + -- Walt Kelly, "Ten Ever-Lovin' Blue-Eyed Years With + Pogo" +% Roses are red; Violets are blue. I'm schizophrenic, @@ -31132,6 +42889,10 @@ Rudeness is a weak man's imitation of strength. Rudin's Law: If there is a wrong way to do something, most people will do it every time. +% +Rudin's Law: + If there is a wrong way to do something, most people will do it +every time. Rudin's Second Law: In a crisis that forces a choice to be made among alternative @@ -31155,17 +42916,54 @@ Rule #1: Rule #2: If the Boss is wrong, see Rule #1. % +Rule 46, Oxford Union Society, London: + Any member introducing a dog into the Society's premises shall +be liable to a fine of one pound. Any animal leading a blind person +shall be deemed to be a cat. +% Rule #7: Silence is not acquiescence. Contrary to what you may have heard, silence of those present is not necessarily consent, even the reluctant variety. They simply may sit in stunned silence and figure ways of sabotaging the plan after they regain their composure. % +Rule of Creative Research: + (1) Never draw what you can copy. + (2) Never copy what you can trace. + (3) Never trace what you can cut out and paste down. +% +Rule of Defactualization: + Information deteriorates upward through bureaucracies. +% +Rule of Feline Frustration: + When your cat has fallen asleep on your lap and looks utterly +content and adorable, you will suddenly have to go to the bathroom. +% Rule of Life #1 -- Never get separated from your luggage. % +Rule of the Great: + When people you greatly admire appear to be thinking deep +thoughts, they probably are thinking about lunch. +% Rule the Empire through force. -- Shogun Tokugawa % +Rules: + (1) The boss is always right. + (2) When the boss is wrong, refer to rule 1. +% +Rules for Academic Deans: + (1) HIDE!!!! + (2) If they find you, LIE!!!! + -- Father Damian C. Fandal +% +Rules for driving in New York: + (1) Anything done while honking your horn is legal. + (2) You may park anywhere if you turn your four-way flashers + on. + (3) A red light means the next six cars may go through the + intersection. +% Rules for Good Grammar #4. 1: Don't use no double negatives. 2: Make each pronoun agree with their antecedents. @@ -31201,6 +42999,24 @@ avoid awkward or affected alliteration. Don't string too many prepositional phrases together unless you are walking through the valley of the shadow of death. "Avoid overuse of 'quotation "marks."'" % +RULES OF EATING -- THE BRONX DIETER'S CREED + (1) Never eat on an empty stomach. + (2) Never leave the table hungry. + (3) When traveling, never leave a country hungry. + (4) Enjoy your food. + (5) Enjoy your companion's food. + (6) Really taste your food. It may take several portions to + accomplish this, especially if subtly seasoned. + (7) Really feel your food. Texture is important. Compare, + for example, the texture of a turnip to that of a + brownie. Which feels better against your cheeks? + (8) Never eat between snacks, unless it's a meal. + (9) Don't feel you must finish everything on your plate. You + can always eat it later. + (10) Avoid any wine with a childproof cap. + (11) Avoid blue food. + -- Richard Smith, "The Bronx Diet" +% Ruling a big country is like cooking a small fish. -- Lao Tsu % @@ -31243,6 +43059,12 @@ violate the ABM treaty. Sagdeev suggested that the U.S. reciprocate by turning the unfinished U.S. embassy in Moscow into a nuclear crisis reduction center. The communication system, he pointed out, is already in place. % +SAGITTARIUS (Nov 22 - Dec 21) + You are optimistic and enthusiastic. You have a reckless + tendency to rely on luck since you lack talent. The majority + of Sagittarians are drunks or dope fiends or both. People + laugh at you a great deal. +% SAGITTARIUS (Nov. 22 to Dec. 21) Move slowly today, be deliberate. Indications are for bleeding ulcers. Drink milk. Try not to be your usual offensive and @@ -31355,12 +43177,29 @@ they boo you, you know they mean *you*. Music, that's what it is to me. One time in Kezar Stadium they gave me a standing boo. -- George Halas, professional footbal coach % +San Francisco isn't what it used to be, and it never was. + -- Herb Caen +% +San Francisco, n.: + Marcel Proust editing an issue of Penthouse. +% Sanity and insanity overlap a fine grey line. % +Sanity is the trademark of a weak mind. + -- Mark Harrold +% Sank heaven for leetle curls. % Santa Claus is watching! % +Santa Claus wears a Red Suit, + He must be a communist. +And a beard and long hair, + Must be a pacifist. + + What's in that pipe that he's smoking? + -- Arlo Guthrie +% Santa Claus wears a red suit He's a Communist. @@ -31396,6 +43235,9 @@ MICRO ARTISTS GANG! MAY 1988 BE A HAPPY YEAR! % Santa's elves are just a bunch of subordinate Clauses. % +Satellite Safety Tip #14: + If you see a bright streak in the sky coming at you, duck. +% Satire does not look pretty upon a tombstone. % Satire is tragedy plus time. @@ -31406,8 +43248,19 @@ Satire is what closes in New Haven. Satire is what closes Saturday night. -- George Kaufman % +Sattinger's Law: + It works better if you plug it in. +% +Saturday night in Toledo Ohio, + Is like being nowhere at all, +All through the day how the hours rush by, + You sit in the park and you watch the grass die. + -- John Denver, "Saturday Night in Toledo Ohio" +% Satyrs have more faun. % +Sauron is alive in Argentina! +% Savage's Law of Expediency: You want it bad, you'll get it bad. % @@ -31420,14 +43273,24 @@ Save a tree -- kill an ISO working group today. % Save energy: Drive a smaller shell. % +Save energy: be apathetic. +% Save gas, don't eat beans. % Save gas, don't use the shell. % Save the bales! % +Save the whales. Collect the whole set. +% +Save the Whales -- Harpoon a Honda. +% Save yourself! Reboot in 5 seconds! % +Saw a sign on a restaurant that said Breakfast, any time -- so I +ordered French Toast in the Renaissance. + -- Steven Wright +% Say! You've struck a heap of trouble-- Bust in business, lost your wife; No one cares a cent about you, @@ -31472,6 +43335,9 @@ Say something you'll be sorry for, I love receiving apologies. % Say "twenty-three-skiddoo" to logout. % +SCCS, the source motel! Programs check in and never check out! + -- Ken Thompson +% SCENARIO: An imagined sequence of events that provides the context in which a business decision is made. Scenarios always come in @@ -31490,10 +43356,31 @@ intently watching him. Caption: "I'm sorry you've seen me, Billy. Now I'll have to kill you." % +Schapiro's Explanation: + The grass is always greener on the other side -- but that's +because they use more manure. +% +Schizophrenia beats being alone. +% +Schlattwhapper, n.: + The window shade that allows itself to be pulled down, +hesitates for a second, then snaps up in your face. + -- Rich Hall, "Sniglets" +% Schmidt's Observation: All things being equal, a fat person uses more soap than a thin person. % +Schnuffel, n.: + A dog's practice of continuously nuzzling in your crotch in +mixed company. + -- Rich Hall, "Sniglets" +% +Schwiggle, n.: + The amusing rotation of one's bottom while sharpening a +pencil. + -- Rich Hall, "Sniglets" +% Science and religion are in full accord but science and faith are in complete discord. % @@ -31512,8 +43399,15 @@ collection of facts is no more a science than a heap of stones is a house. -- Jules Henri Poincare % +Science is facts; just as houses are made of stones, so is science made +of facts; but a pile of stones is not a house and a collection of facts +is not necessarily science. + -- Henri Poincar'e +% Science is to computer science as hydrodynamics is to plumbing. % +Science is what happens when preconception meets verification. +% Science may someday discover what faith has always known. % Science! true daughter of Old Time thou art! @@ -31532,6 +43426,10 @@ The Elfin from the green grass, and from me The summer dream beneath the tamarind tree? -- Edgar Allan Poe, "Science, a Sonnet" % +Scientists are people who build the Brooklyn Bridge and then buy it. + -- William F. Buckley + +% Scientists still know less about what attracts men than they do about what attracts mosquitoes. -- Dr. Joyce Brothers, @@ -31555,6 +43453,11 @@ Fain how I pause at your nature specific. % Scintillation is not always identification for an auric substance. % +SCORPIO (Oct 23 - Nov 21) + You are shrewd in business and cannot be trusted. You will + achieve the pinnacle of success because of your total lack of + ethics. Most Scorpio people are murdered. +% SCORPIO (Oct. 23 to Nov. 21) Friends abound today, seeking repayment of past loans. Smile. Check for concealed weapons. Your natural cheerfulness makes others want @@ -31566,6 +43469,25 @@ SCORPIO (Oct.24 - Nov.21) subscribe, and you're just dumb enough to think you've got a chance to win. You never learn. % +Scott's first Law: + No matter what goes wrong, it will probably look right. + +Scott's second Law: + When an error has been detected and corrected, it will be found +to have been wrong in the first place. + +Corollary: + After the correction has been found in error, it will be +impossible to fit the original quantity back into the equation. +% +Scotty: Captain, we din' can reference it! +Kirk: Analysis, Mr. Spock? +Spock: Captain, it doesn't appear in the symbol table. +Kirk: Then it's of external origin? +Spock: Affirmative. +Kirk: Mr. Sulu, go to pass two. +Sulu: Aye aye, sir, going to pass two. +% Scratch the disks, dump the core, Shut it down, pull the plug Roll the tapes across the floor, Give the core an extra tug And the system is going to crash. And the system is going to crash. @@ -31585,10 +43507,16 @@ Scratch the disks! Drop the core! Roll the tapes across the floor! % +Screw up your courage! You've screwed up everything else. +% SCRIBLINE: The blank area on the back of credit cards where one's signature goes. -- Rich Hall & Friends, "Sniglets" % +Scrubbing floors and emptying bedpans has as much dignity as the +Presidency. + -- Richard M. Nixon +% 'Scuse me, while I kiss the sky! -- Robert James Marshall (Jimi) Hendrix % @@ -31596,6 +43524,14 @@ Sears has everything. % Seattle is so wet that people protect their property with watch-ducks. % +Second Law of Business Meetings: + If there are two possible ways to spell a person's name, you +will pick the wrong one. + +Corollary: + If there is only one way to spell a name, you will spell it +wrong, anyway. +% Second Law of Final Exams: In your toughest final -- for the first time all year -- the most distractingly attractive student in the class will sit next to you. @@ -31605,9 +43541,36 @@ Secrecy is the beginning of tyranny. Secretary's Revenge: Filing almost everything under "the". % +Section 2.4.3.5 AWNS (Acceptor Wait for New Cycle State). + In AWNS the AH function indicates that it has received a +multiline message byte. + In AWNS the RFD message must be sent false and the DAC message +must be sent passive true. + The AH function must exit the AWNS and enter: + (1) The ANRS if DAV is false + (2) The AIDS if the ATN message is false and neither: + (a) The LADS is active + (b) Nor LACS is active + + -- from the IEEE Standard Digital Interface for + Programmable Instrumentation +% +Security check: INTRUDER ALERT! +% Sed quis custodiet ipsos Custodes? [Who guards the Guardians?] % +Seduced, shaggy Samson snored. +She scissored short. Sorely shorn, +Soon shackled slave, Samson sighed, +Silently scheming, +Sightlessly seeking +Some savage, spectacular suicide. + -- Stanislaw Lem, "Cyberiad" +% +"See - the thing is - I'm an absolutist. I mean, kind of ... +in a way ..." +% See, these two penguins walked into a bar, which was really stupid, 'cause the second one should have seen it. % @@ -31719,12 +43682,38 @@ Seize the day, put no trust in the morrow! -- Quintus Horatius Flaccus (Horace) % Seleznick's Theory of Holistic Medicine: + Ice Cream cures all ills. +% +Seleznick's Theory of Holistic Medicine: Ice Cream cures all ills. Temporarily. % +Self Test for Paranoia: + You know you have it when you can't think of anything that's +your own fault. +% +Seminars, n.: + From "semi" and "arse", hence, any half-assed discussion. +% semper en excretus % SEMPER UBI SUB UBI!!!! % +Sen. Danforth: "There is nothing on the face of the album which would + notify you if the record has pornographic material or + material glorifying violence?" +Tipper Gore: "No, there is nothing that would suggest that to me." +Frank Zappa: "I would say that a buzz saw blade between the guy's + legs on the album cover is good indication that it's + not for little Johnny." + + -- The Senate Commerce Committee hearing on rock + lyrics, from The Village Voice, 6 Oct 1985 +% +Senate, n.: + A body of elderly gentlemen charged with high duties and +misdemeanors. + -- Ambrose Bierce +% Send some filthy mail. % Sendmail may be safely run set-user-id to root. @@ -31747,9 +43736,16 @@ Sentimentality -- that's what we call the sentiment we don't share. SERENDIPITY: The process by which human knowledge is advanced. % +Serenity through viciousness. +% Serfs up! -- Spartacus % +Serocki's Stricture: + Marriage is always a bachelor's last option. +% +Serving coffee on aircraft causes turbulence. +% Set the cart before the horse. -- John Heywood % @@ -31763,6 +43759,13 @@ loud, as various players claimed that honor. At that point, a security guard in the lobby turned to another guard and commented, "If there's anything I just can't stand, it's chess nuts boasting in an open foyer." % +Several years ago, some smart businessmen had an idea: Why not build a +big store where a do-it-yourselfer could get everything he needed at +reasonable prices? Then they decided, nah, the hell with that, let's +build a home center. And before long home centers were springing up +like crabgrass all over the United States. + -- Dave Barry, "The Taming of the Screw" +% Sex and drugs and rock and roll, Is all my brain and body need. Sex and drugs and rock and roll, @@ -31780,6 +43783,8 @@ Sex discriminates against the shy and ugly. Sex hasn't been the same since women started enjoying it. -- Lewis Grizzard % +Sex is a natural bodily process, like a stroke. +% Sex is about as important as a cheese sandwich. But a cheese sandwich, if you ain't got one to put in your belly, is extremely important. -- Ian Dury @@ -31797,6 +43802,12 @@ Sex is good, but not as good as fresh sweet corn. Sex is like pizza -- when it's good, it's great; and when it's bad, it's still darn tasty! % +Sex is not the answer. Sex is the question. "Yes" is the answer. + -- Swami X +% +Sex is the mathematics urge sublimated. + -- M. C. Reed +% Sex: the thing that takes up the least amount of time and causes the most amount of trouble. -- John Barrymore @@ -31807,6 +43818,10 @@ repeated until infinity. Party), in a manual of the party's official sex guidelines, 1973. % +Sex without love is an empty experience, but, as empty experiences go, +it's one of the best. + -- Woody Allen +% Sexual enlightenment is justified insofar as girls cannot learn too soon how children do not come into the world. -- Karl Kraus @@ -31821,6 +43836,19 @@ Shame is an improper emotion invented by pietists to oppress the human race. -- Robert Preston, Toddy, "Victor/Victoria" % +Shamus, n. [Yiddish]: + A shamus is a guy who takes care of handyman tasks around the +temple, and makes sure everything is in working order. + A shamus is at the bottom of the pecking order of synagogue +functionaries, and there's a joke about that: + A rabbi, to show his humility before God, cries out in the +middle of a service, "Oh, Lord, I am nobody!" The cantor, not to be +bested, also cries out, "Oh, Lord, I am nobody!" + The shamus, deeply moved, follows suit and cries, "Oh, Lord, I +am nobody!" The rabbi turns to the cantor and says, "Look who thinks +he's nobody!" + -- Arthur Naiman, "Every Goy's Guide to Yiddish" +% Shannon's Observation Nothing is so frustrating as a bad situation that is beginning to improve. @@ -31828,6 +43856,15 @@ Shannon's Observation share, n: To give in, endure humiliation. % +Sharks are as tough as those football fans who take their shirts off +during games in Chicago in January, only more intelligent. + -- Dave Barry, "Sex and the Single Amoeba: What Every + Teen Should Know" +% +Shaw's Principle: + Build a system that even a fool can use, and only a fool will +want to use it. +% She always believed in the old adage -- leave them while you're looking good. -- Anita Loos, "Gentlemen Prefer Blondes" @@ -31864,12 +43901,24 @@ She cried, and the judge wiped her tears with my checkbook. % She has an alarm clock and a phone that don't ring - they applaud. % +"She is descended from a long line that her mother listened to." + -- Gypsy Rose Lee +% +She is not refined. She is not unrefined. She keeps a parrot. + -- Mark Twain +% She just came in, pounced around this thing with me for a few years, enjoyed herself, gave it a sort of beautiful quality and left. Excited a few men in the meantime. -- Patrick Macnee, reminiscing on Diana Rigg's involvement in "The Avengers". % +She liked him; he was a man of many qualities, even if most of them +were bad. +% +She missed an invaluable opportunity to give him a look that you could +have poured on a waffle ... +% She often gave herself very good advice (though she very seldom followed it). -- Lewis Carroll @@ -31877,6 +43926,10 @@ She often gave herself very good advice She ran the gamut of emotions from "A" to "B". -- Dorothy Parker, on a Kate Hepburn performance % +"She said, `I know you ... you cannot sing'. I said, `That's nothing, +you should hear me play piano.'" + -- Morrisey +% She say, Miss Colie, You better hush. God might hear you. Let 'im hear me, I say. If he ever listened to poor colored women the world would be a different place, I can tell you. @@ -31938,6 +43991,13 @@ aircraft carrier in the Formosa Straits.' -- Grand Panjandrum's Special Award, 1985 Bulwer-Lytton bad fiction contest % +"Sherry [Thomas Sheridan] is dull, naturally dull; but it must have +taken him a great deal of pains to become what we now see him. Such an +excess of stupidity, sir, is not in Nature." + -- Samuel Johnson +% +She's genuinely bogus. +% She's learned to say things with her eyes that others waste time putting into words. % @@ -31956,6 +44016,9 @@ Shhh... be vewy, vewy, quiet! I'm hunting wabbits... Shick's Law: There is no problem a good miracle can't solve. % +SHIFT TO THE LEFT! SHIFT TO THE RIGHT! +POP UP, PUSH DOWN, BYTE, BYTE, BYTE! +% Shift to the left, Shift to the right, Mask in, mask out, @@ -31990,9 +44053,14 @@ Show me a good loser in professional sports and I'll show you an idiot. Show me a good sportsman and I'll show you a player I'm looking to trade. -- Leo Durocher % +Show me a man who is a good loser and I'll show you a man who is +playing golf with his boss. +% Show me a man who is a good loser and I'll show you a man who playing golf with his boss. % +Show respect for age. Drink good Scotch for a change. +% Show your affection, which will probably meet with pleasant response. % Showing up is 80% of life. @@ -32017,6 +44085,12 @@ Sight is a faculty; seeing is an art. % Sigmund's wife wore Freudian slips. % +Signals don't kill programs. Programs kill programs. +% +Signs of crime: screaming or cries for help. + -- from the Brown University Security Crime Prevention + Pamphlet +% Silence can be the biggest lie of all. We have a responsibility to speak up; and whenever the occasion calls for it, we have a responsibility to raise bloody hell. @@ -32050,6 +44124,12 @@ And when your father gets home, you are going to get a good licking!" BUT! Silly Sally just laughed and la.....ug.......h....e....d........... BECAUSE! SHE KNEW HER FATHER WAS IN THE GARAGE WHEN SHE BURNED IT DOWN! % +Silverman's Law: + If Murphy's Law can go wrong, it will. +% +Simon's Law: + Everything put together falls apart sooner or later. +% Simplicity does not precede complexity, but follows it. % Simulations are like miniskirts, they show a lot and hide the essentials. @@ -32080,9 +44160,26 @@ having nothing to do with good or bad, acceptance or rejection, one may well burst out in laughter. -- Long Chen Pa % +Since I hurt my pendulum +My life is all erratic. +My parrot, who was cordial, +Is now transmitting static. +The carpet died, a palm collapsed, +The cat keeps doing poo. +The only thing that keeps me sane +Is talking to my shoe. + -- My Shoe +% Since we cannot hope for order, let us withdraw with style from the chaos. -- Tom Stoppard % +Since we have to speak well of the dead, let's knock them while they're +alive. + -- John Sloan +% +Since we're all here, we must not be all there. + -- Bob "Mountain" Beck +% Sink or Swim with Teddy! % Sinners can repent, but stupid is forever. @@ -32090,6 +44187,10 @@ Sinners can repent, but stupid is forever. Sir, it's quite possible this asteroid is not entirely stable. -- C-3PO % +[Sir Stafford Cripps] has all the virtues I dislike and none of the +vices I admire. + -- Winston Churchill +% Six days after the Creation, Adam was still alone in the Garden of Eden, and getting pretty desperate. "God!" he cried, "rescue me from loneliness and despair! Send some company for Your sake!" @@ -32106,11 +44207,26 @@ the birds of the air palls after a while. What's the price?" Adam thought about it for a bit and finally sighed. "So, what can I get for a rib?" % +Sixtus V, Pope from 1585 to 1590 authorized a printing of the Vulgate +Bible. Taking no chances, the pope issued a papal bull automatically +excommunicating any printer who might make an alteration in the text. +This he ordered printed at the beginning of the Bible. He personally +examined every sheet as it came off the press. Yet the published +Vulgate Bible contained so many errors that corrected scraps had to be +printed and pasted over them in every copy. The result provoked wry +comments on the rather patchy papal infallibility, and Pope Sixtus had +no recourse but to order the return and destruction of every copy. +% Skill without imagination is craftsmanship and gives us many useful objects such as wickerwork picnic baskets. Imagination without skill gives us modern art. -- Tom Stoppard % +Skinner's Constant (or Flannagan's Finagling Factor): + That quantity which, when multiplied by, divided by, added to, +or subtracted from the answer you get, gives you the answer you should +have gotten. +% skldfjkljklsR%^&(IXDRTYju187pkasdjbasdfbuil h;asvgy8p 23r1vyui135 2 kmxsij90TYDFS$$b jkzxdjkl bjnk ;j nk;<[][;-==-<<<<<';[, @@ -32120,22 +44236,51 @@ kmxsij90TYDFS$$b jkzxdjkl bjnk ;j nk;<[][;-==-<<<<<';[, Now look what you've gone and done! You've broken it! % +Slang is language that takes off its coat, spits on its hands, and goes +to work. +% +Slaves are generally expected to sing as well as to work ... I did not, +when a slave, understand the deep meanings of those rude, and +apparently incoherent songs. I was myself within the circle, so that I +neither saw nor heard as those without might see and hear. They told a +tale which was then altogether beyond my feeble comprehension: they +were tones, loud, long and deep, breathing the prayer and complaint of +souls boiling over with the bitterest anguish. Every tone was a +testimony against slavery, and a prayer to God for deliverance from +chains. + -- Frederick Douglass +% Sleep -- the most beautiful experience in life -- except drink. -- W. C. Fields % Sleep is for the weak and sickly. % +Slick's Three Laws of the Universe: + (1) Nothing in the known universe travels faster than a bad + check. + (2) A quarter-ounce of chocolate = four pounds of fat. + (3) There are two types of dirt: the dark kind, which is + attracted to light objects, and the light kind, which is + attracted to dark objects. +% Slous' Contention: If you do a job too well, you'll get stuck with it. % Slow day. Practice crawling. % +Slowly and surely the unix crept up on the Nintendo user ... +% SLURM: The slime that accumulates on the underside of a soap bar when it sits in the dish too long. -- Rich Hall & Friends, "Sniglets" % +Slurm, n.: + The slime that accumulates on the underside of a soap bar when +it sits in the dish too long. + -- Rich Hall, "Sniglets" +% Small change can often be found under seat cushions. % Small is beautiful. @@ -32164,6 +44309,9 @@ SMOKING IS NOW ALLOWED !!! the environment, and anticipated opposition. Statements must be filed 30 days in advance. % +Smoking is one of the leading causes of statistics. + -- Fletcher Knebel +% Smoking Prohibited. Absolutely no ifs, ands, or butts. % Smuggling... It's not just a job, it's an adventure! @@ -32175,6 +44323,12 @@ SNACKTREK: have materialized. -- Rich Hall & Friends, "Sniglets" % +Snacktrek, n.: + The peculiar habit, when searching for a snack, of constantly +returning to the refrigerator in hopes that something new will have +materialized. + -- Rich Hall, "Sniglets" +% Snakes. Why did it have to be snakes? % SNAPPY REPARTEE: @@ -32194,6 +44348,20 @@ for the developed film to arrive in the mail, but that is all right with Snow White. She clears the table, washes the dishes and sweeps the floor, all the while singing "Someday my prints will come." % +So as your consumer electronics adviser, I am advising you to donate +your current VCR to a grate resident, who will laugh sardonically and +hurl it into a dumpster. Then I want you to go out and purchase a vast +array of 8-millimeter video equipment. + +... OK! Got everything? Well, *too bad, sucker*, because while you +were gone the electronics industry came up with an even newer format +that makes your 8-millimeter VCR look as technologically advanced as +toenail dirt. This format is called "3.5 hectare" and it will not be +made available until it is outmoded, sometime early next week, by a +format called "Elroy", so *order yours now*. + -- Dave Barry, "No Surrender in the Electronics + Revolution" +% So... did you ever wonder, do garbagemen take showers before they go to work? % @@ -32207,6 +44375,10 @@ strength. For theirs is a strength born of things other than mere force. Theirs is a strength supreme... theirs is the strength -- to restore. -- Gerry Conway, "Thor", #193 % +So far as I can remember, there is not one word in the Gospels in +praise of intelligence. + -- Bertrand Russell +% So far as we are human, what we do must be either evil or good: so far as we do evil or good, we are human: and it is better, in a paradoxical way, to do evil than to do nothing: at least we exist. @@ -32294,6 +44466,15 @@ into this. composed for Linda Wertheimer of National Public Radio. From SPY Magazine, November 1992 % +"So she went into the garden to cut a cabbage leaf to make an apple +pie; and at the same time a great she-bear, coming up the street pops +its head into the shop. "What! no soap?" So he died, and she very +imprudently married the barber; and there were present the Picninnies, +and the Grand Panjandrum himself, with the little round button at top, +and they all fell to playing the game of catch as catch can, till the +gunpowder ran out at the heels of their boots." + -- Samuel Foote +% So so is good, very good, very excellent good: and yet it is not; it is but so so. -- William Shakespeare, "As You Like It" @@ -32327,6 +44508,9 @@ development, although clearly it is what they wanted all along. % So this it it. We're going to die. % +So, what's with this guy Gideon, anyway? And why can't he ever +remember his Bible? +% So, you better watch out! You better not cry! You better not pout! @@ -32392,6 +44576,13 @@ ANARCHISM: CONSERVATISM: Freeze the milk. Embalm the cows. % +Sodd's Second Law: + Sooner or later, the worst possible set of circumstances is +bound to occur. +% +Software, n.: + Formal evening attire for female computer analysts. +% Software production is assumed to be a line function, but it is run like a staff function." -- Paul Licker @@ -32425,10 +44616,15 @@ Some circumstantial evidence is very strong, as when you find a trout in the milk. -- Thoreau % +Some don't prefer the pursuit of happiness to the happiness of pursuit. +% Some husbands are living proof that a woman can take a joke. % Some marriages are made in heaven -- but so are thunder and lightning. % +Some men are alive simply because it is against the law to kill them. + -- Ed Howe +% Some men are all right in their place -- if they only the knew the right places! -- Mae West @@ -32493,12 +44689,30 @@ Some of them want to be used by you, Some of us are becoming the men we wanted to marry. -- Gloria Steinem % +Some of you ... may have decided that, this year, you're going to +celebrate it the old-fashioned way, with your family sitting around +stringing cranberries and exchanging humble, handmade gifts, like on +"The Waltons". Well, you can forget it. If everybody pulled that kind +of subversive stunt, the economy would collapse overnight. The +government would have to intervene: it would form a cabinet-level +Department of Holiday Gift-Giving, which would spend billions and +billions of tax dollars to buy Barbie dolls and electronic games, which +it would drop on the populace from Air Force jets, killing and maiming +thousands. So, for the good of the nation, you should go along with +the Holiday Program. This means you should get a large sum of money +and go to a mall. + -- Dave Barry, "Christmas Shopping: A Survivor's Guide" +% Some parts of the past must be preserved, and some of the future prevented at all costs. % Some people are afraid of heights. I'm afraid of widths. -- Stephen Wright % +Some people are born mediocre, some people achieve mediocrity, and some +people have mediocrity thrust upon them. + -- Joseph Heller, "Catch-22" +% Some people around here wouldn't recognize subtlety if it hit them on the head. % @@ -32518,11 +44732,19 @@ but at least you only have to climb it once. Some people have a great ambition: to build something that will last, at least until they've finished building it. % +Some people have a way about them that seems to say: "If I have only +one life to live, let me live it as a jerk." +% Some people have no respect for age unless it's bottled. % Some people have parts that are so private they themselves have no knowledge of them. % +Some people in this department wouldn't recognize subtlety if it hit +them on the head. +% +Some people live life in the fast lane. You're in oncoming traffic. +% Some people manage by the book, even though they don't know who wrote the book or even what book. % @@ -32540,6 +44762,34 @@ rear-engine car handles best. I say a rented car handles best. Some peoples mouths work faster than their brains. They say things they haven't even thought of yet. % +Some performers on television appear to be horrible people, but when +you finally get to know them in person, they turn out to be even +worse. + -- Avery +% +Some points to remember [about animals]: + +(1) Don't go to sleep under big animals, e.g., elephants, rhinoceri, + hippopotamuses; +(2) Don't put animals with sharp teeth or poisonous fangs down the + front of your clothes; +(3) Don't pat certain animals, e.g., crocodiles and scorpions or dogs + you have just kicked. + -- Mike Harding, "The Armchair Anarchist's Almanac" +% +Some primal termite knocked on wood. +And tasted it, and found it good. +And that is why your Cousin May +Fell through the parlor floor today. + -- Ogden Nash +% +Some programming languages manage to absorb change but withstand +progress. +% +Some programming languages manage to absorb change, but withstand +progress. + -- Epigrams in Programming, ACM SIGPLAN Sept. 1982 +% Some rise by sin and some by virtue fall. % Some say the world will end in fire, @@ -32561,6 +44811,9 @@ Some things have to be believed to be seen. Somebody left the cork out of my lunch. -- W. C. Fields % +Somebody ought to cross ball point pens with coat hangers so that the +pens will multiply instead of disappear. +% Somebody's moggy, by the side of the road, Somebody's pussy, who forgot his highway code, Somebody's favourite feline, who ran clean out of luck, @@ -32625,6 +44878,8 @@ Someone is unenthusiastic about your work. % Someone whom you reject today, will reject you tomorrow. % +Someone will try to honk your nose today. +% Something better... 1 (obvious): Excuse me. Is that your nose or did a bus park on your face? @@ -32687,10 +44942,16 @@ And sometimes I live in town. And sometimes I have a great notion, To jump in the river and drown. % +"Sometimes I simply feel that the whole world is a cigarette and I'm +the only ashtray." +% Sometimes I wonder if I'm in my right mind. Then it passes off and I'm as intelligent as ever. -- Samuel Beckett, "Endgame" % +Sometimes I worry about being a success in a mediocre world. + -- Lily Tomlin +% Sometimes it happens. People just explode. Natural causes. -- Repo Man % @@ -32728,10 +44989,22 @@ else is driving. % Sometimes you get an almost irresistible urge to go on living. % +Somewhere, just out of sight, the unicorns are gathering. +% Somewhere on this globe, every ten seconds, there is a woman giving birth to a child. She must be found and stopped. -- Sam Levenson % +"Somewhere", said Father Vittorini, "did Blake not speak of the +Machineries of Joy? That is, did not God promote environments, then +intimidate these Natures by provoking the existence of flesh, toy men +and women, such as are we all? And thus happily sent forth, at our +best, with good grace and fine wit, on calm noons, in fair climes, are +we not God's Machineries of Joy?" + +"If Blake said that", said Father Brian, "he never lived in Dublin." + -- Ray Bradbury, "The Machineries of Joy" +% Somewhere, something incredible is waiting to be known. -- Carl Sagan % @@ -32741,13 +45014,29 @@ make the Ace of Spades jump out of the deck and squirt cider in your ears. But son, do not bet this man, for you will end up with a ear full of cider. -- Sky Masterson's Father % +Song Title of the Week: + "They're putting dimes in the hole in my head to see the change +in me." +% +Sooner or later you must pay for your sins. (Those who have already +paid may disregard this fortune). +% Sooner or later you must pay for your sins. (Those who have already paid may disregard this cookie). % +Sorry. I forget what I was going to say. +% Sorry. Nice try. % Sorry never means having you're say to love. % +Sorry, no fortune this time. +% +Space is big. You just won't believe how vastly, hugely, mind- +bogglingly big it is. I mean, you may think it's a long way down the +road to the drug store, but that's just peanuts to space. + -- Douglas Adams, "The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy" +% Space is to place as eternity is to time. -- Joseph Joubert % @@ -32763,6 +45052,48 @@ SPAGMUMPS: Any of the millions of Styrofoam wads that accompany mail-order items. -- Rich Hall & Friends, "Sniglets" % +"Spare no expense to save money on this one." + -- Samuel Goldwyn +% +Spark's Sixth Rule for Managers: + If a subordinate asks you a pertinent question, look at him as +if he had lost his senses. When he looks down, paraphrase the question +back at him. +% +Speak roughly to your little boy, + And beat him when he sneezes: +He only does it to annoy + Because he knows it teases. + + Wow! wow! wow! + +I speak severely to my boy, + And beat him when he sneezes: +For he can thoroughly enjoy + The pepper when he pleases! + + Wow! wow! wow! + -- Lewis Carroll, "Alice in Wonderland" +% +Speak roughly to your little VAX, + And boot it when it crashes; +It knows that one cannot relax + Because the paging thrashes! + + Wow! Wow! Wow! + +I speak severely to my VAX, + And boot it when it crashes; +In spite of all my favorite hacks + My jobs it always thrashes! + + Wow! Wow! Wow! +% +Speak softly and carry a +6 two-handed sword. +% +Speak softly and own a big, mean Doberman. + -- Dave Millman +% "Speak, thou vast and venerable head," muttered Ahab, "which, though ungarnished with a beard, yet here and there lookest hoary with mosses; speak, mighty head, and tell us the secret thing that is in thee. Of all divers, @@ -32783,6 +45114,43 @@ seen enough to split the planets and make an infidel of Abraham, and not one syllable is thine!" -- H. Melville, "Moby Dick" % +Speaking as someone who has delved into the intricacies of PL/I, I am +sure that only Real Men could have written such a machine-hogging, +cycle-grabbing, all-encompassing monster. Allocate an array and free +the middle third? Sure! Why not? Multiply a character string times a +bit string and assign the result to a float decimal? Go ahead! Free a +controlled variable procedure parameter and reallocate it before +passing it back? Overlay three different types of variable on the same +memory location? Anything you say! Write a recursive macro? Well, +no, but Real Men use rescan. How could a language so obviously +designed and written by Real Men not be intended for Real Man use? +% +Speaking of Godzilla and other things that convey horror: + + With a purposeful grimace and a Mongo-like flair + He throws the spinning disk drives in the air! + And he picks up a Vax and he throws it back down + As he wades through the lab making terrible sounds! + Helpless users with projects due + Scream "My God!" as he stomps on the tape drives, too! + + Oh, no! He says Unix runs too slow! Go, go, DECzilla! + Oh, yes! He's gonna bring up VMS! Go, go, DECzilla!" + +* VMS is a trademark of Digital Equipment Corporation +* DECzilla is a trademark of Hollow Chocolate Bunnies of Death, Inc. + -- Curtis Jackson +% +Speaking of love, one problem that recurs more and more frequently +these days, in books and plays and movies, is the inability of people +to communicate with the people they love; Husbands and wives who can't +communicate, children who can't communicate with their parents, and so +on. And the characters in these books and plays and so on (and in real +life, I might add) spend hours bemoaning the fact that they can't +communicate. I feel that if a person can't communicate, the very _____least +he can do is to Shut Up! + -- Tom Lehrer, "That Was the Year that Was" +% Speaking of purchasing a dog, never buy a watchdog that's on sale. After all, everyone knows a bargain dog never bites! % @@ -32792,17 +45160,32 @@ young adventurers. All available tonight, as usual, in the graduate students bullpen from 11: pm on, usual terms and conditions. Faculty members especially welcome. % +"Speed is subsittute fo accurancy." +% Speed upon county roads will be limited to ten miles an hour unless the motorist sees a bailiff who does not appear to have had a drink in 30 days, when the driver will be permitted to make what he can. -- Proposed legislation, Illinois State Legislature, May, 1907 % +Speer's 1st Law of Proofreading: + The visibility of an error is inversely proportional to the +number of times you have looked at it. +% +Spelling is a lossed art. +% Spence's Admonition: Never stow away on a kamikaze plane. % +Spend extra time on hobby. Get plenty of rolling papers. +% SPINSTER: A bachelor's wife. % +Spirtle, n.: + The fine stream from a grapefruit that always lands right in +your eye. + -- Rich Hall, "Sniglets" +% Spock: The odds of surviving another attack are 13562190123 to 1, Captain. % @@ -32812,6 +45195,10 @@ SPOUSE: Someone who'll stand by you through all the trouble you wouldn't have had if you'd stayed single. % +Spouse, n.: + Someone who'll stand by you through all the trouble you +wouldn't have had if you'd stayed single. +% Spring is here, spring is here, Life is skittles and life is beer. % @@ -32870,6 +45257,12 @@ Standing on head makes smile of frown, but rest of face also upside down. Stanford women are responsible for the success of many Stanford men: they give them "just one more reason" to stay in and study every night. % +"Star Wars is adolescent nonsense; Close Encounters is obscurantist +drivel; Star Trek can turn your brains to pur'ee of bat guano; and the +greatest science fiction series of all time is Doctor Who! And I'll +take you all on, one-by-one or all in a bunch to back it up!" + -- Harlan Ellison +% Start every day off with a smile and get it over with. -- W. C. Fields % @@ -32924,6 +45317,10 @@ Statistics are no substitute for judgement. % Statistics means never having to say you're certain. % +Stay away from flying saucers today. +% +Stay away from hurricanes for a while. +% Stay the curse. % Stay together, drag each other down. @@ -32954,11 +45351,21 @@ hooks into, there is room for lateral movement. Once this begins, its rate is a matter of discretion. -- Corwin, "Prince of Amber" % +Stealing a rhinoceros should not be attempted lightly. +% Steckel's Rule to Success: Good enough is never good enough. Everybody should believe in something -- I believe I'll have another drink. % +Steele's Plagiarism of Somebody's Philosophy: + Everybody should believe in something -- I believe I'll have +another drink. +% +Steinbach's Guideline for Systems Programming: + Never test for an error condition you don't know how to +handle. +% Stellar rays prove fibbing never pays. Embezzlement is another matter. % @@ -33001,6 +45408,11 @@ on the credulity of human nature. % Stop me, before I kill again! % +Stop searching. Happiness is right next to you. +% +Stop searching. Happiness is right next to you. Now, if they'd only +take a bath ... +% Stop searching forever. Happiness is just next to you. % Stop searching forever. Happiness is unattainable. @@ -33048,13 +45460,32 @@ real understanding. An egoless acceptance of stuckness is a key to an understanding of all Quality, in mechanical work as in other endeavors. -- R. Pirsig, "Zen and the Art of Motorcycle Maintenance" % +Stult's Report: + Our problems are mostly behind us. What we have to do now is +fight the solutions. +% +Stupid, n.: + Losing $25 on the game and $25 on the instant replay. +% +Stupidity got us into this mess -- why can't it get us out? +% Stupidity is its own reward. % +Sturgeon's Law: + 90% of everything is crud. +% Style may not be the answer, but at least it's a workable alternative. % Suaviter in modo, fortiter in re. Se non e vero, e ben trovato. % +Substitute "damn" every time you're inclined to write "very"; your +editor will delete it and the writing will be just as it should be. + -- Mark Twain +% +Subtlety is the art of saying what you think and getting out of the way +before it is understood. +% Suburbia is where the developer bulldozes out the trees, then names the streets after them. -- Bill Vaughn @@ -33072,6 +45503,8 @@ made of things. % Success is something I will dress for when I get there, and not until. % +Succumb to natural tendencies. Be hateful and boring. +% Such a fine first dream! But they laughed at me; they said I had made it up. @@ -33092,6 +45525,9 @@ Quote, female: Am I worried about taking his last name? Forget it, at this point I'll take his first name, too. % +Suddenly, Professor Liebowitz realizes he has come to the seminar +without his duck ... +% Suffering alone exists, none who suffer; The deed there is, but no doer thereof; Nirvana is, but no one is seeking it; @@ -33114,6 +45550,18 @@ Ascending into the heavens, life is forever. SUN Microsystems: The Network IS the Load Average. % +(Sung to the tune of "The Impossible Dream" from MAN OF LA MANCHA) + + To code the impossible code, + To bring up a virgin machine, + To pop out of endless recursion, + To grok what appears on the screen, + + To right the unrightable bug, + To endlessly twiddle and thrash, + To mount the unmountable magtape, + To stop the unstoppable crash! +% SUNSET: Pronounced atmospheric scattering of shorter wavelengths, resulting in selective transmission below 650 nanometers with @@ -33135,6 +45583,8 @@ Supervisor: You mean "No", don't you? Supervisee: Yes. -- Overheard at a supervision % +Support bacteria -- it's the only culture some people have! +% Support Bingo, keep Grandma off the streets. % Support mental health or I'LL KILL YOU!!!! @@ -33145,9 +45595,15 @@ Don't wear your motorcycle helmet. Support the Girl Scouts! (Today's Brownie is tomorrow's Cookie!) % +Support wildlife -- vote for an orgy. +% Support your local church or synagogue. Worship at Bank of America. % +Support your local police force -- steal!! +% +Support your local Search and Rescue unit -- get lost. +% Support your right to arm bears!! % Support your right to bare arms! @@ -33163,6 +45619,8 @@ were interested in miniaturization, you could place half a dozen of them on a pinhead. -- Christopher Evans % +Sure he's sharp as a razor ... he's a two-dimensional pinhead! +% Sure there are dishonest men in local government. But there are dishonest men in national government too. -- Richard Nixon @@ -33172,6 +45630,16 @@ men in national government too. % Surly to bed, surly to rise, makes you about average. % +Surprise! You are the lucky winner of random I.R.S. Audit! Just type +in your name and social security number. Please remember that leaving +the room is punishable under law: + +Name # +% +Surprise due today. Also the rent. +% +Surprise your boss. Get to work on time. +% sushi, n: When that-which-may-still-be-alive is put on top of rice and strapped on with electrical tape. @@ -33182,11 +45650,19 @@ Sushido, n: Suspicion always haunts the guilty mind. -- William Shakespeare % +Swahili, n.: + The language used by the National Enquirer to print their +retractions. + -- Johnny Hart +% Swap read error. You lose your mind. % SWEATER: A garment worn by a child when their mother feels chilly. % +Sweater, n.: + A garment worn by a child when its mother feels chilly. +% Sweet April showers do spring May flowers. -- Thomas Tusser % @@ -33199,6 +45675,9 @@ the rifled hearts of mountains, under torrents' beds, unerringly I rush! -- Captain Ahab, "Moby Dick" % +Swipple's Rule of Order: + He who shouts the loudest has the floor. +% Symptom: Drinking fails to give taste and satisfaction, beer is unusually pale and clear. Problem: Glass empty. @@ -33268,6 +45747,9 @@ Action Required: If your glass is full and no one is standing on your -- Bar Troubleshooting % +Syntactic sugar causes cancer of the semicolon. + -- Epigrams in Programming, ACM SIGPLAN Sept. 1982 +% System checkpoint complete. % System going down at 1:45 this afternoon for disk crashing. @@ -33278,9 +45760,20 @@ System going down in 5 minutes. % System restarting, wait... % +System/3! System/3! +See how it runs! See how it runs! + Its monitor loses so totally! + It runs all its programs in RPG! + It's made by our favorite monopoly! +System/3! +% SYSTEM-INDEPENDENT: Works equally poorly on all systems. % +Systems have sub-systems and sub-systems have sub-systems and so on ad +infinitum -- which is why we're always starting over. + -- Epigrams in Programming, ACM SIGPLAN Sept. 1982 +% Systems programmer: A person in sandals who has been in the elevator with the senior vice president and is ultimately responsible for a phone call you @@ -33289,6 +45782,12 @@ Systems programmer: Systems programmers are the high priests of a low cult. -- R. S. Barton % +T: One big monster, he called TROLL. + He don't rock, and he don't roll; + Drink no wine, and smoke no stogies. + He just Love To Eat Them Roguies. + -- The Roguelet's ABC +% TACKY: Serving grape kool-aid at religious functions. % @@ -33298,8 +45797,14 @@ Tact consists in knowing how far to go in going too far. Tact in audacity is knowing how far you can go without going too far. -- Jean Cocteau % +Tact is the ability to tell a man he has an open mind when he has a +hole in his head. +% Tact is the art of making a point without making an enemy. % +Tact, n.: + The unsaid part of what you're thinking. +% Take a lesson from the whale; the only time he gets speared is when he raises to spout. % @@ -33312,12 +45817,34 @@ necessities will take care of themselves. Take Care of the Molehills, and the Mountains Will Take Care of Themselves. -- Motto of the Federal Civil Service % +Take everything in stride. Trample anyone who gets in your way. +% TAKE FORCEFUL ACTION: Do something that should have been done a long time ago. % +Take heart amid the deepening gloom that your dog is finally getting +enough cheese. + -- National Lampoon, "Deteriorata" +% +Take it easy, we're in a hurry. +% Take me drunk, I'm home again! % +Take my word for it, the silliest woman can manage a clever man, but it +needs a very clever woman to manage a fool. + -- Kipling +% +Take the folks at Coca-Cola. For many years, they were content to sit +back and make the same old carbonated beverage. It was a good +beverage, no question about it; generations of people had grown up +drinking it and doing the experiment in sixth grade where you put a +nail into a glass of Coke and after a couple of days the nail dissolves +and the teacher says: "Imagine what it does to your TEETH!" So +Coca-Cola was solidly entrenched in the market, and the management saw +no need to improve ... + -- Dave Barry, "In Search of Excellence" +% Take time to reflect on all the things you have, not as a result of your merit or hard work or because God or chance or the efforts of other people have given them to you. @@ -33325,6 +45852,11 @@ have given them to you. Take what you can use and let the rest go by. -- Ken Kesey % +Take your dying with some seriousness, however. Laughing on the way to +your execution is not generally understood by less advanced life forms, +and they'll call you crazy. + -- "Messiah's Handbook: Reminders for the Advanced Soul" +% Take your Senator to lunch this week. % Take your work seriously but never take yourself seriously; and do not @@ -33341,9 +45873,18 @@ You do what you get paid to do. % Talk is cheap because supply always exceeds demand. % +Talk sense to a fool and he calls you foolish. + -- Euripides +% +Talkers are no good doers. + -- William Shakespeare, "Henry VI" +% Talking about music is like dancing about architecture. -- Laurie Anderson % +Talking much about oneself can also be a means to conceal oneself. + -- Friedrich Nietzsche +% Tallulah Bankhead barged down the Nile last night as Cleopatra and sank. -- John Mason Brown, drama critic @@ -33363,6 +45904,11 @@ Tart words make no friends; a spoonful of honey will catch more flies than a gallon of vinegar. -- Benjamin Franklin % +TAURUS (Apr 20 - May 20) + You are practical and persistent. You have a dogged + determination and work like hell. Most people think you are + stubborn and bull headed. You are a Communist. +% TAURUS (Apr. 20 to May 20) Let your self-confidence and determination shine, and people will find you boorish and headstrong. Travel, promotion, and romance @@ -33376,12 +45922,23 @@ TAURUS (Apr.20 - May 20) TAX OFFICE: Den of inequity. % +Tax reform means "Don't tax you, don't tax me, tax that fellow behind +the tree." + -- Russell Long +% TAXES: Of life's two certainties, the only one for which you can get an extension. % +Taxes are going up so fast, the government is likely to price itself +out of the market. +% Taxes are not levied for the benefit of the taxed. % +Taxes, n.: + Of life's two certainties, the only one for which you can get +an extension. +% TCP/IP Slang Glossary, #1: Gong, n: Medieval term for privvy, or what passed for them in that era. @@ -33391,6 +45948,9 @@ of our community as the Galapagos of the English language. "Vogons may read you bad poetry, but bogons make you study obsolete RFCs." -- Dave Mills % +Teach children to be polite and courteous in the home, and, when they +grow up, they will never be able to edge a car onto a freeway. +% Teach children to be polite and courteous in the home, and, when they grow up, they won't be able to edge a car onto a freeway. % @@ -33399,6 +45959,8 @@ Teachers have class. TEAMWORK: Having someone to blame. % +Teamwork is essential -- it allows you to blame someone else. +% Technicality, n. In an English court a man named Home was tried for slander in having accused a neighbor of murder. His exact words were: "Sir Thomas Holt hath taken a cleaver and stricken his cook upon the @@ -33421,6 +45983,10 @@ difficulties vanish like puffs of idle smoke. I then compile the program. I sit still and let the joy of the work fill my being. I close my eyes for a moment and then log off." % +Technological progress has merely provided us with more efficient means +for going backwards. + -- Aldous Huxley +% Technology is dominated by those who manage what they do not understand. % Tehee quod she, and clapte the wyndow to. @@ -33432,6 +45998,11 @@ but weren't sure. But if you're searching for something you don't already know, your fingers could walk themselves to death. -- Erma Bombeck % +Telephone, n.: + An invention of the devil which abrogates some of the +advantages of making a disagreeable person keep his distance. + -- Ambrose Bierce +% TELEPRESSION: The deep-seated guilt which stems from knowing that you did not try hard enough to look up the number on your own and instead put the @@ -33465,6 +46036,12 @@ Tell a man there are 300 billion stars in the universe and he'll believe you. Tell him a bench has wet paint on it and he'll have to touch to be sure. % +Tell me, O Octopus, I begs, +Is those things arms, or is they legs? +I marvel at thee, Octopus; +If I were thou, I'd call me us. + -- Ogden Nash +% Tell me what to think!!! % Tell me why the stars do shine, @@ -33509,10 +46086,53 @@ and handed the others to Dutsky. Ten persons who speak make more noise than ten thousand who are silent. -- Napoleon I % +Ten years of rejection slips is nature's way of telling you to stop +writing. + -- R. Geis +% +"Terence, this is stupid stuff: +You eat your victuals fast enough; +There can't be much amiss, 'tis clear, +To see the rate you drink your beer. +But oh, good Lord, the verse you make, +It gives a chap the belly-ache. +The cow, the old cow, she is dead; +It sleeps well the horned head: +We poor lads, 'tis our turn now +To hear such tunes as killed the cow. +Pretty friendship 'tis to rhyme +Your friends to death before their time. +Moping, melancholy mad: +Come, pipe a tune to dance to, lad." + -- A. E. Housman +% Term, holidays, term, holidays, till we leave school, and then work, work, work till we die. -- C. S. Lewis % +"Termiter's argument that God is His own grandmother generated a +surprising amount of controversy among Church leaders, who on the one +hand considered the argument unsupported by scripture but on the other +hand were unwilling to risk offending God's grandmother." + -- Len Cool, "American Pie" +% +Tertullian was born in Carthage somewhere about 160 A.D. He was a +pagan, and he abandoned himself to the lascivious life of his city +until about his 35th year, when he became a Christian ... To him is +ascribed the sublime confession: Credo quia absurdum est (I believe +because it is absurd). This does not altogether accord with historical +fact, for he merely said: + + "And the Son of God died, which is immediately credible because + it is absurd. And buried he rose again, which is certain + because it is impossible." + +Thanks to the acuteness of his mind, he saw through the poverty of +philosophical and Gnostic knowledge, and contemptuously rejected it. + -- C. G. Jung, "Psychological Types" + + [Tertullian was one of the founders of the Catholic Church. Ed.] +% Test for paraquat: Take amount of grass used in one joint, and wash in 5 cc's of water, agitating gently for 15 minutes. Strain out leaves, @@ -33523,6 +46143,8 @@ Test for paraquat: Testing can show the presence of bugs, but not their absence. -- Edsger W. Dijkstra % +Test-tube babies shouldn't throw stones. +% TEUTONIC: Not enough gin. % @@ -33544,11 +46166,23 @@ called you from here." Texas is Hell on woman and horses. -- Wayne Oakes % +Texas law forbids anyone to have a pair of pliers in his possession. +% +"Text processing has made it possible to right-justify any idea, even +one which cannot be justified on any other grounds." + -- J. Finnegan, USC. +% +Thank goodness modern convenience is a thing of the remote future. + -- Pogo, by Walt Kelly +% Thank you for observing all safety precautions. % That all men should be brothers is the dream of people who have no brothers. -- Charles Chincholles, "Pensees de tout le monde" % +"That boy's about as sharp as a pound of wet liver" + -- Foghorn Leghorn +% That does not compute. % That feeling just came over me. @@ -33568,9 +46202,13 @@ I heard it once, It said "Good-bye. -- Richard Armour % +"That must be wonderful! I don't understand it at all." +% That must be wonderful: I don't understand it at all. -- Moliere % +That secret you've been guarding, isn't. +% That segment of the community with which one has the greatest sympathy as a liberal, inevitably turns out to be one of the most narrow-minded and bigoted segments of the community. @@ -33592,6 +46230,9 @@ REAL-TIME EXECUTIONER to delete liveware that adversely affects ... % That which is not good for the swarm, neither is it good for the bee. % +That woman speaks eight languages and can't say "no" in any of them. + -- Dorothy Parker +% That Xanthippe's husband should have become so great a philosopher is remarkable. Amid all the scolding, to be able to think! But he could not write: that was impossible. Socrates has not left us a single book. @@ -33654,10 +46295,15 @@ The 357.73 Theory -- Auditors always reject expense accounts with a bottom line divisible by 5. % +The 80's -- when you can't tell hairstyles from chemotherapy. +% The 'A' is for content, the 'minus' is for not typing it. Don't ever do this to my eyes again. -- Professor Ronald Brady, Philosophy, Ramapo State College % +The Abrams' Principle: + The shortest distance between two points is off the wall. +% The absence of labels [in ECL] is probably a good thing. -- T. Cheatham % @@ -33683,6 +46329,16 @@ The advantage of being celibate is that when one sees a pretty girl one does not need to grieve over having an ugly one back home. -- Paul Leautaud, "Propos dun jour" % +The advertisement is the most truthful part of a newspaper + -- Thomas Jefferson +% +The Advertising Agency Song: + + When your client's hopping mad, + Put his picture in the ad. + If he still should prove refractory, + Add a picture of his factory. +% The aim of a joke is not to degrade the human being but to remind him that he is already degraded. -- George Orwell @@ -33698,6 +46354,10 @@ The algorithm for finding the longest path in a graph is NP-complete. For you systems people, that means it's *real slow*. -- Bart Miller % +"The algorithm to do that is extremely nasty. You might want to mug +someone with it." + -- M. Devine, Computer Science 340 +% The all-softening overpowering knell, The tocsin of the soul, -- the dinner bell. -- Lord Byron @@ -33775,6 +46435,19 @@ then, fully expressive of the emotion most close to all our hearts -- For if t'were tried they might e'en work And for a living what woulds't we do? % +The answer is that libdialog, the library on which sysinstall depends +for these menus, is genuinely evil. It is the unloved, satanic +bastard child of multiple parents and torturing users like yourself +constitutes the only joy in life it has left. Its source files are +all chmod'd 0666 and dire README files warn against trespass by +neophyte programmers. It is the 7th gate of Hell. It makes the baby +Jesus cry. Were libdialog given anthropomorphic representation, it +would be promptly burnt at the stake and its ashes scattered in the +desert, to be then doused with holy water from altitude by +fire-fighting aircraft. + + -- Jordan K. Hubbard on the evils of libdialog +% The answer to the question of Life, the Universe, and Everything is... Four day work week, @@ -33793,12 +46466,29 @@ Lots of little snakes, everybody is happy. Noah asks, "Want to tell me how the trees helped?" "Certainly", say the snakes. "We're adders, and we need logs to multiply." % +The Arkansas legislature passed a law that states that the Arkansas +River can rise no higher than to the Main Street bridge in Little +Rock. +% The arms business is founded on human folly, that is why its depths will never be plumbed and why it will go on forever. All weapons are defensive and all spare parts are non-lethal. The plainest print cannot be read through a solid gold sovereign, or a ruble or a golden eagle. -- Sam Cummings, American arms dealer % +The Army has carried the American ... ideal to its logical conclusion. +Not only do they prohibit discrimination on the grounds of race, creed +and color, but also on ability. + -- T. Lehrer +% +The Army needs leaders the way a foot needs a big toe. + -- Bill Murray +% +The assertion that "all men are created equal" was of no practical use +in effecting our separation from Great Britain and it was placed in the +Declaration not for that, but for future use. + -- Abraham Lincoln +% The astronomer Francesco Sizi, a contemporary of Galileo, argues that Jupiter can have no satellites: @@ -33822,6 +46512,8 @@ The average, healthy, well-adjusted adult gets up at seven-thirty in the morning feeling just terrible. -- Jean Kerr % +The average income of the modern teenager is about 2 a.m. +% The average individual's position in any hierarchy is a lot like pulling a dogsled -- there's no real change of scenery except for the lead dog. % @@ -33837,6 +46529,9 @@ feeling that her children are cruelly handicapped by the fact that he is their father. -- H. L. Mencken % +The average woman would rather have beauty than brains, because the +average man can see better than he can think. +% The avocation of assessing the failures of better men can be turned into a comfortable livelihood, providing you back it up with a Ph.D. -- Nelson Algren, "Writers at Work" @@ -33845,6 +46540,11 @@ The avoidance of taxes is the only intellectual pursuit that carries any reward. -- John Maynard Keynes % +"The bad reputation UNIX has gotten is totally undeserved, laid on by +people who don't understand, who have not gotten in there and tried +anything." + -- Jim Joyce, owner of Jim Joyce's UNIX Bookstore +% The bank called to tell me that I'm overdrawn, Some freaks are burning crosses out on my front lawn, And I *can't*believe* it, all the Cheetos are gone, @@ -33870,6 +46570,35 @@ whereas I was neither. This kind of reasoning is legally valid in mall parking lots. -- Dave Barry % +The basic idea behind malls is that they are more convenient than +cities. Cities contain streets, which are dangerous and crowded and +difficult to park in. Malls, on the other hand, have parking lots, +which are also dangerous and crowded and difficult to park in, but -- +here is the big difference -- in mall parking lots, THERE ARE NO +RULES. You're allowed to do anything. You can drive as fast as you +want in any direction you want. I was once driving in a mall parking +lot when my car was struck by a pickup truck being driven backward by a +squat man with a tattoo that said "Charlie" on his forearm, who got out +and explained to me, in great detail, why the accident was my fault, +his reasoning being that he was violent and muscular, whereas I was +neither. This kind of reasoning is legally valid in mall parking +lots. + -- Dave Barry, "Christmas Shopping: A Survivor's Guide" +% +The basic menu item, in fact the ONLY menu item, would be a food unit +called the "patty," consisting of -- this would be guaranteed in +writing -- "100 percent animal matter of some kind." All patties would +be heated up and then cooled back down in electronic devices +immediately before serving. The Breakfast Patty would be a patty on a +bun with lettuce, tomato, onion, egg, Ba-Ko-Bits, Cheez Whiz, a Special +Sauce made by pouring ketchup out of a bottle and a little slip of +paper stating: "Inspected by Number 12". The Lunch or Dinner Patty +would be any Breakfast Patties that didn't get sold in the morning. +The Seafood Lover's Patty would be any patties that were starting to +emit a serious aroma. Patties that were too rank even to be Seafood +Lover's Patties would be compressed into wads and sold as "Nuggets." + -- Dave Barry, "'Mister Mediocre' Restaurants" +% The bay-trees in our country are all wither'd And meteors fright the fixed stars of heaven; The pale-faced moon looks bloody on the earth @@ -33892,6 +46621,9 @@ The beer-cooled computer does not harm the ozone layer. The best audience is intelligent, well-educated and a little drunk. -- Maurice Baring % +The best book on programming for the layman is "Alice in Wonderland"; +but that's because it's the best book on anything for the layman. +% The best case: Get salary from America, build a house in England, live with a Japanese wife, and eat Chinese food. Pretty good case: Get salary from England, build a house in America, @@ -33901,6 +46633,11 @@ The worst case: Get salary from China, build a house in Japan, -- Bungei Shunju, a popular Japanese magazine % +The best cure for insomnia is to get a lot of sleep. + -- W. C. Fields +% +The best defense against logic is ignorance. +% The best definition of a gentleman is a man who can play the accordion -- but doesn't. -- Tom Crichton @@ -33950,6 +46687,21 @@ drifting side by side to our common doom. The best thing about being bald is, that, when unexpected company arrives, all you have to do is straighten your tie. % +The best thing about growing older is that it takes such a long time. +% +"The best thing for being sad," replied Merlin, beginning to puff and +blow, "is to learn something. That's the only thing that never fails. +You may grow old and trembling in your anatomies, you may lie awake at +night listening to the disorder of your veins, you may miss your only +love, you may see the world about you devastated by evil lunatics, or +know your honour trampled in the sewers of baser minds. There is only +one thing for it then -- to learn. Learn why the world wags and what +wags it. That is the only thing which the mind can never exhaust, +never alienate, never be tortured by, never fear or distrust, and never +dream of regretting. Learning is the only thing for you. Look what a +lot of things there are to learn." + -- T. H. White, "The Once and Future King" +% The best thing that comes out of Iowa is I-80. % The best things in life are for a fee. @@ -33964,6 +46716,10 @@ The best way to get rid of worries is to let them die of neglect. % The best way to keep your friends is not to give them away. % +The best way to make a fire with two sticks is to make sure one of them +is a match. + -- Will Rogers +% The best way to preserve a right is to exercise it, and the right to smoke is a right worth dying for. % @@ -34015,8 +46771,14 @@ themselves to be so totally eclipsed by the females. Why do they tolerate this total subservience, this wretched existence as outcasts who are hungry all the time? % +The bigger the theory the better. +% The bigger they are, the harder they hit. % +The biggest difference between time and space is that you can't reuse +time. + -- Merrick Furst +% The biggest mistake you can make is to believe that you are working for someone else. % @@ -34027,6 +46789,18 @@ The Bird of Time has but a little way to fly ... and the bird is on the wing. -- Omar Khayyam % +The birds are singing, the flowers are budding, and it is time for Miss +Manners to tell young lovers to stop necking in public. + +It's not that Miss Manners is immune to romance. Miss Manners has been +known to squeeze a gentleman's arm while being helped over a curb, and, +in her wild youth, even to press a dainty slipper against a foot or two +under the dinner table. Miss Manners also believes that the sight of +people strolling hand in hand or arm in arm or arm in hand dresses up a +city considerably more than the more familiar sight of people shaking +umbrellas at one another. What Miss Manners objects to is the kind of +activity that frightens the horses on the street ... +% The black bear used to be one of the most commonly seen large animals because in Yosemite and Sequoia national parks they lived off of garbage and tourist handouts. This bear has learned to open car doors in @@ -34036,6 +46810,10 @@ containers in wild areas have been difficult, because as one biologist put it, "There is a considerable overlap between the intelligence levels of the smartest bears and the dumbest tourists." % +"The bland leadeth the bland and they both shall fall into the kitsch." +% +The bogosity meter just pegged. +% The bold youth of today is very lonely. -- Poul Henningsen (1894-1967) % @@ -34056,9 +46834,17 @@ Eating peanuts by the peck. His father called him, but he could not go, For he loved those peanuts so. % +The brain is a wonderful organ; it starts working the moment you get up +in the morning, and does not stop until you get to school. +% The brain is a wonderful organ; it starts working the moment you get up in the morning, and does not stop until you get to work. % +The Briggs/Chase Law of Program Development: + To determine how long it will take to write and debug a +program, take your best estimate, multiply that by two, add one, and +convert to the next higher units. +% The British are coming! The British are coming! % The brotherhood of man is not a mere poet's dream; it is a most depressing @@ -34071,6 +46857,11 @@ of a mountain or in the petals of a flower. To think otherwise is to demean the Buddha -- which is to demean oneself. -- Robert Pirsig, "Zen and the Art of Motorcycle Maintenance" % +The buffalo isn't as dangerous as everyone makes him out to be. +Statistics prove that in the United States more Americans are killed in +automobile accidents than are killed by buffalo. + -- Art Buchwald +% The bugs you have to avoid are the ones that give the user not only the inclination to get on a plane, but also the time. -- Kay Bostic @@ -34092,6 +46883,12 @@ written in 1830. The full line reveals why it is so bad: lies), rattling along the housetops, and fiercely agitating the scanty flame of the lamps that struggled against the darkness. % +The bureaucracy is expanding to meet the needs of an expanding +bureaucracy. +% +"The C Programming Language -- A language which combines the +flexibility of assembly language with the power of assembly language." +% The cable TV sex channels don't expand our horizons, don't make us better people, and don't come in clearly enough. -- Bill Maher @@ -34103,6 +46900,18 @@ into a vignette of minor inconveniences like all the other holidays spent with Basil. -- Winning sentence, 1983 Bulwer-Lytton bad fiction contest % +The camel has a single hump; +The dromedary two; +Or else the other way around. +I'm never sure. Are you? + -- Ogden Nash +% +The capacity of human beings to bore one another seems to be vastly +greater than that of any other animals. Some of their most esteemed +inventions have no other apparent purpose, for example, the dinner +party of more than two, the epic poem, and the science of metaphysics. + -- H. L. Mencken +% The carbonyl is polarized, The delta end is plus. The nucleophile will thus attack, @@ -34118,13 +46927,29 @@ The cart has no place where a fifth wheel could be used. % The Celts invented two things, Whiskey and self-destruction. % +The chain which can be yanked is not the eternal chain. + -- G. Fitch +% The chains of marriage are so heavy that it takes two to carry them, and sometimes three. -- Alexandre Dumas % +The chicken that clucks the loudest is the one most likely to show up +at the steam fitters' picnic. +% +The chief cause of problems is solutions. + -- Eric Sevareid +% +The chief danger in life is that you may take too may precautions. + -- Alfred Adler +% The chief enemy of creativity is "good" sense -- Picasso % +The church is near but the road is icy; the bar is far away but I will +walk carefully. + -- Russian Proverb +% The church saves sinners, but science seeks to stop their manufacture. -- Elbert Hubbard % @@ -34145,6 +46970,9 @@ and the soldiers' pay was lavished on the useless multitudes of both sexes who could only plead the merits of abstinence and chastity. -- Edward Gibbons, "The Decline and Fall of the Roman Empire" % +"The climate of Bombay is such that its inhabitants have to live +elsewhere." +% The closest to perfection a person ever comes is when they fill out a job application. % @@ -34223,27 +47051,57 @@ The computer is to the information industry roughly what the central power station is to the electrical industry. -- Peter Drucker % +"The Computer made me do it." +% +The computing field is always in need of new cliches. + -- Alan Perlis +% The concept seems to be clear by now. It has been defined several times by examples of what it is not. % +The confusion of a staff member is measured by the length of his +memos. + -- New York Times, Jan. 20, 1981 +% The connection between the language in which we think/program and the problems and solutions we can imagine is very close. For this reason restricting language features with the intent of eliminating programmer errors is at best dangerous. -- Bjarne Stroustrup % +The conservation movement is a breeding ground of Communists and other +subversives. We intend to clean them out, even if it means rounding up +every bird watcher in the country. + -- John Mitchell, Atty. General 1969-1972 +% The Constitution may not be perfect, but it's a lot better than what we've got! % +The Consultant's Curse: + When the customer has beaten upon you long enough, give him +what he asks for, instead of what he needs. This is very strong +medicine, and is normally only required once. +% The control of the production of wealth is the control of human life itself. -- Hilaire Belloc % +The correct way to punctuate a sentence that starts: "Of course it is +none of my business, but --" is to place a period after the word "but." +Don't use excessive force in supplying such a moron with a period. +Cutting his throat is only a momentary pleasure and is bound to get you +talked about. + -- Lazarus Long, "Time Enough for Love" +% The cost of feathers has risen, even down is up! % The cost of living has just gone up another dollar a quart. -- W. C. Fields % +The cost of living hasn't affected its popularity. +% +The cost of living is going up, and the chance of living is going down. +% The countdown had stalled at "T" minus 69 seconds when Desiree, the first female ape to go up in space, winked at me slyly and pouted her thick, rubbery lips unmistakably -- the first of many such advances during what @@ -34264,11 +47122,26 @@ father!" The covers of this book are too far apart. -- Ambrose Bierce, reviewing a book % +The cow is nothing but a machine which makes grass fit for us people to +eat. + -- John McNulty +% The Creation of the Universe was made possible by a grant from Texas Instruments. -- Credits from the PBS program `The Creation of the Universe' % +The Crown is full of it! + -- Nate Harris, 1775 +% +The cry has been that when war is declared, all opposition should +therefore be hushed. A sentiment more unworthy of a free country could +hardly be propagated. If the doctrine be admitted, rulers have only to +declare war and they are screened at once from scrutiny ... In war, +then, as in peace, assert the freedom of speech and of the press. +Cling to this as the bulwark of all our rights and privileges. + -- William Ellery Channing +% The curse of the Irish is not that they don't know the words to a song -- it's that they know them *all*. -- Susan Dooley @@ -34297,6 +47170,8 @@ The day advanced as if to light some work of mine; it was morning, and lo! now it is evening, and nothing memorable is accomplished. -- H. D. Thoreau % +The day after tomorrow is the third day of the rest of your life. +% The day will come when the mystical generation of Jesus, by the Supreme Being as his Father, in the womb of a virgin will be classified with the fable of the generation of Minerva in the brain of Jupiter. But we may hope that the @@ -34310,6 +47185,12 @@ The days are all empty and the nights are unreal. The days just prior to marriage are like a snappy introduction to a tedious book. % +The day-to-day travails of the IBM programmer are so amusing to most of +us who are fortunate enough never to have been one -- like watching +Charlie Chaplin trying to cook a shoe. +% +The debate rages on: Is PL/I Bachtrian or Dromedary? +% "The deceased was killed by 1207.3557298 Volts AC RMS applied by accident when he brushed against the output terminal of a John B. Fluke Company High Voltage Calibrator." @@ -34357,6 +47238,8 @@ The descent to Hades is the same from every place. The devil can cite Scripture for his purpose. -- William Shakespeare, "The Merchant of Venice" % +The devil finds work for idle circuits to do. +% The devil finds work for idle glands. % The die is cast. @@ -34370,6 +47253,11 @@ The difference between a Miracle and a Fact is exactly the difference between a mermaid and a seal. -- Mark Twain % +"The difference between a misfortune and a calamity? If Gladstone fell +into the Thames, it would be a misfortune. But if someone dragged him +out again, it would be a calamity." + -- Benjamin Disraeli +% The difference between America and England is, the English think 100 miles is a long distance and the Americans think 100 years is a long time. % @@ -34394,6 +47282,11 @@ The difference between reality and unreality is that reality has so little to recommend it. -- Allan Sherman % +The difference between science and the fuzzy subjects is that science +requires reasoning while those other subjects merely require +scholarship. + -- Robert A. Heinlein +% The difference between sentiment and being sentimental is the following: Sentiment is when a driver swerves out of the way to avoid hitting a rabbit on the road. Being sentimental is when the same driver, when @@ -34434,17 +47327,47 @@ The distinction between Freedom and Liberty is not accurately known; naturalists have been unable to find a living specimen of either. -- Ambrose Bierce % +The distinction between Jewish and goyish can be quite subtle, as the +following quote from Lenny Bruce illustrates: + + "I'm Jewish. Count Basie's Jewish. Ray Charles is Jewish. +Eddie Cantor's goyish. The B'nai Brith is goyish. The Hadassah is +Jewish. Marine Corps -- heavy goyish, dangerous. + "Kool-Aid is goyish. All Drake's Cakes are goyish. +Pumpernickel is Jewish and, as you know, white bread is very goyish. +Instant potatoes -- goyish. Black cherry soda's very Jewish. +Macaroons are ____very Jewish. Fruit salad is Jewish. Lime Jell-O is +goyish. Lime soda is ____very goyish. Trailer parks are so goyish that +Jews won't go near them ..." + -- Arthur Naiman, "Every Goy's Guide to Yiddish" +% The distinction between true and false appears to become increasingly blurred by... the pollution of the language. -- Arne Tiselius % +The District of Columbia has a law forbidding you to exert pressure on +a balloon and thereby cause a whistling sound on the streets. +% The divinity of Jesus is made a convenient cover for absurdity. Nowhere in the Gospels do we find a precept for Creeds, Confessions, Oaths, Doctrines, and whole carloads of other foolish trumpery that we find in Christianity. -- John Adams % +The doctrine of human equality reposes on this: that there is no man +really clever who has not found that he is stupid. + -- Gilbert K. Chesterson +% The door is the key. % +The duck hunter trained his retriever to walk on water. Eager to show +off this amazing accomplishment, he asked a friend to go along on his +next hunting trip. Saying nothing, he fired his first shot and, as the +duck fell, the dog walked on the surface of the water, retrieved the +duck and returned it to his master. + "Notice anything?" the owner asked eagerly. + "Yes," said his friend, "I see that fool dog of yours can't +swim." +% The duration of passion is proportionate with the original resistance of the woman. -- Honore de Balzac @@ -34453,10 +47376,19 @@ The eagle may soar, but the weasel never gets sucked into a jet engine. % The early bird gets the coffee left over from the night before. % +The early bird who catches the worm works for someone who comes in late +and owns the worm farm. + -- Travis McGee +% The early worm gets the bird. % The early worm gets the late bird. % +The earth is like a tiny grain of sand, only much, much heavier. +% +The easiest way to figure the cost of living is to take your income and +add ten percent. +% "The easy confidence with which I know another man's religion is folly teaches me to suspect that my own is also." @@ -34475,12 +47407,20 @@ roast would not be reasonable -- even the atrocious God imagined by the Jews would tire of the spectacle eventually." -- Mark Twain % +The economy depends about as much on economists as the weather does on +weather forecasters. + -- Jean-Paul Kauffmann +% The egg cream is psychologically the opposite of circumcision -- it *pleasurably* reaffirms your Jewishness. -- Mel Brooks % The elder gods went to Yuggoth, and all you got was this lousy fortune. % +"The eleventh commandment was `Thou Shalt Compute' or `Thou Shalt Not +Compute' -- I forget which." + -- Epigrams in Programming, ACM SIGPLAN Sept. 1982 +% The Encyclopaedia Galactica defines a robot as a mechanical apparatus designed to do the work of a man. The marketing division of Sirius Cybernetics Corporation defines a robot as "Your Plastic Pal Who's Fun To Be With". @@ -34500,6 +47440,13 @@ The end move in politics is always to pick up a gun. % The end of labor is to gain leisure. % +The end of the human race will be that it will eventually die of +civilization. + -- Ralph Waldo Emerson +% +The end of the world will occur at 3:00 p.m., this Friday, with +symposium to follow. +% The end of the world will occur at three p.m., this Friday, with symposium to follow. % @@ -34516,6 +47463,10 @@ The English country gentleman galloping after a fox -- the unspeakable in full pursuit of the uneatable. -- Oscar Wilde, "A Woman of No Importance" % +The English have no respect for their language, and will not teach +their children to speak it. + -- George Bernard Shaw +% The English instinctively admire any man who has no talent and is modest about it. -- James Agate, British film and drama critic @@ -34593,10 +47544,17 @@ utterly absurd; indeed, in view of the silliness of the majority of mankind, a widespread belief is more often likely to be foolish than sensible. -- Bertrand Russell, in "Marriage and Morals", 1929 % +The fact that boys are allowed to exist at all is evidence of a +remarkable Christian forbearance among men. + -- Ambrose Bierce +% The fact that hitler was a politcal genius unmasks the nature of politics in general as no other can. -- Wilhelm Reich % +The fact that it works is immaterial. + -- L. Ogborn +% The fact that people are poor or discriminated against doesn't necessarily endow them with any special qualities of justice, nobility, charity or compassion. @@ -34620,6 +47578,9 @@ so long as they are Tories. The faster I go, the behinder I get. -- Lewis Carroll % +The faster we go, the rounder we get. + -- The Grateful Dead +% The Fastest Defeat In Chess The big name for us in the world of chess is Gibaud, a French chess master. @@ -34675,6 +47636,9 @@ The Feynman Problem-Solving Algorithm: (3) write down the answer. -- Murray Gell-Mann % +The Fifth Rule: + You have taken yourself too seriously. +% The final delusion is the belief that one has lost all delusions. -- Maurice Chapelain, "Main courante" % @@ -34697,6 +47661,35 @@ life, the nature of God and spiritual nature and need of men. It is the only guide of life which really leads the spirit in the way of peace and salvation. -- Woodrow Wilson % +The First Commandment for Technicians: + Beware the lightening that lurketh in the undischarged +capacitor, lest it cause thee to bounce upon thy buttocks in a most +untechnician-like manner. +% +The first duty of a revolutionary is to get away with it. + -- Abbie Hoffman +% +The first Great Steward, Parrafin the Climber, was employed in King +Chloroplast's kitchen as second scullery boy when the old King met a +tragic death. He apparently fell backward by accident on a dozen salad +forks. Simultaneously the true heir, his son Carotene, mysteriously +fled the city, complaining of some sort of plot and a lot of +threatening notes left on his breakfast tray. At the time, this looked +suspicious what with his father's death, and Carotene was suspected of +foul play. Then the rest of the King's relatives began to drop dead +one after the other in an odd fashion. Some were found strangled with +dishrags and some succumbed to food poisoning. A few were found +drowned in the soup vats, and one was attacked by assailants unknown +and beaten to death with a pot roast. At least three appear to have +thrown themselves backward on salad forks, perhaps in a noble gesture +of grief over the King's untimely end. Finally there was no one left +in Minas Troney who was either eligible or willing to wear the accursed +crown, and the rule of Twodor was up for grabs. The scullery slave +Parrafin bravely accepted the Stewardship of Twodor until that day when +a lineal descendant of Carotene's returns to reclaim his rightful +throne, conquer Twodor's enemies, and revamp the postal system. + -- Harvard Lampoon, "Bored of the Rings" +% The first guy that rats gets a bellyful of slugs in the head. Understand? -- Joey Glimco, trade unionist % @@ -34713,9 +47706,32 @@ and the second the triumph of hope over experience. % The first myth of management is that it exists. % +The first myth of management is that it exists. The second myth of +management is that success equals skill. + -- Robert Heller +% The first requisite for immortality is death. -- Stanislaw Lem % +The first riddle I ever heard, one familiar to almost every Jewish +child, was propounded to me by my father: + "What is it that hangs on the wall, is green, wet -- and +whistles?" + I knit my brow and thought and thought, and in final perplexity +gave up. + "A herring," said my father. + "A herring," I echoed. "A herring doesn't hang on the wall!" + "So hang it there." + "But a herring isn't green!" I protested. + "Paint it." + "But a herring isn't wet." + "If it's just painted it's still wet." + "But -- " I sputtered, summoning all my outrage, "-- a herring +doesn't whistle!!" + "Right, " smiled my father. "I just put that in to make it +hard." + -- Leo Rosten, "The Joys of Yiddish" +% The first Rotarian was the first man to call John the Baptist "Jack." -- H. L. Mencken % @@ -34725,6 +47741,17 @@ The first rule of intelligent tinkering is to save all the parts. The first rule of intelligent tinkering is to save all the parts. -- Paul Erlich % +"The first rule of magic is simple. Don't waste your time waving your +hands and hoping when a rock or a club will do." + -- McCloctnik the Lucid +% +The First Rule of Program Optimization: + Don't do it. + +The Second Rule of Program Optimization (for experts only!): + Don't do it yet. + -- Michael Jackson +% The first thing I do in the morning is brush my teeth and sharpen my tongue. -- Dorothy Parker @@ -34732,6 +47759,11 @@ is brush my teeth and sharpen my tongue. The first thing we do, let's kill all the lawyers. -- William Shakespeare, "Henry VI", Part IV % +The first time, it's a KLUDGE! +The second, a trick. +Later, it's a well-established technique! + -- Mike Broido, Intermetrics +% The first version always gets thrown away. % The five rules of Socialism: @@ -34752,6 +47784,19 @@ The flow chart is a most thoroughly oversold piece of program documentation. The flush toilet is the basis of Western civilization. -- Alan Coult % +The following quote is from page 4-27 of the MSCP Basic Disk Functions +Manual which is part of the UDA50 Programmers Doc Kit manuals: + +As stated above, the host area of a disk is structured as a vector of +logical blocks. From a performance viewpoint, however, it is more +appropriate to view the host area as a four dimensional hyper-cube, the +four dimensions being cylinder, group, track, and sector. + . . . +Referring to our hyper-cube analogy, the set of potentially accessible +blocks form a line parallel to the track axis. This line moves +parallel to the sector axis, wrapping around when it reaches the edge +of the hyper-cube. +% The following statement is not true. The previous statement is true. % @@ -34766,11 +47811,18 @@ The Force is what holds everything together. It has its dark side, and it has its light side. It's sort of like cosmic duct tape. % +The [Ford Foundation] is a large body of money completely surrounded by +people who want some. + -- Dwight MacDonald +% The forest is safe because a lion lives therein and the lion is safe because it lives in a forest. Likewise the friendship of persons rests on mutual help. -- Laukikanyay % +The fortune program is supported, in part, by user contributions and by +a major grant from the National Endowment for the Inanities. +% The founding fathers tried to set up a judicial system where the accused received a fair trial, not a system to ensure an acquittal on technicalities. % @@ -34784,9 +47836,16 @@ due to levitation. if the character does not have fire resistance. -- README file from the NetHack game % +"The four building blocks of the universe are fire, water, gravel and +vinyl." + -- Dave Barry +% [The French Riviera is] a sunny place for shady people. -- W. Somerset Maugham % +The full impact of parenthood doesn't hit you until you multiply the +number of your kids by 32 teeth. +% The full potentialities of human fury cannot be reached until a friend of both parties tactfully interferes. -- G. K. Chesterton @@ -34825,6 +47884,9 @@ And slowly Close her weary eyes. -- Hermann Hesse, "September" % +The generation of random numbers is too important to be left to +chance. +% The genius of our ruling class is that it has kept a majority of the people from ever questioning the inequity of a system where most people drudge along paying heavy taxes for which they get nothing in return. @@ -34832,6 +47894,16 @@ drudge along paying heavy taxes for which they get nothing in return. % The gent who wakes up and finds himself a success hasn't been asleep. % +The gentlemen looked one another over with microscopic carelessness. +% +The geographical center of Boston is in Roxbury. Due north of the +center we find the South End. This is not to be confused with South +Boston which lies directly east from the South End. North of the South +End is East Boston and southwest of East Boston is the North End. +% +The giraffe you thought you offended last week is willing to be nuzzled +today. +% The girl who remembers her first kiss now has a daughter who can't even remember her first husband. % @@ -34845,10 +47917,32 @@ That seemed to be so sweet Don't seem quite so amorous Over Shredded Wheat % +The goal of Computer Science is to build something that will last at +least until we've finished building it. +% +The goal of science is to build better mousetraps. The goal of nature +is to build better mice. +% +The gods gave man fire and he invented fire engines. They gave him +love and he invented marriage. +% The Golden Rule is of no use to you whatever unless you realize it is your move. -- Frank Crane % +THE GOLDEN RULE OF ARTS AND SCIENCES + The one who has the gold makes the rules. +% +"The good Christian should beware of mathematicians and all those who +make empty prophecies. The danger already exists that mathematicians +have made a covenant with the devil to darken the spirit and confine +man in the bonds of Hell." + -- St. Augustine +% +The good die young -- because they see it's no use living if you've got +to be good. + John Barrymore +% The good (I am convinced, for one) Is but the bad one leaves undone. Once your reputation's done @@ -34877,6 +47971,14 @@ The government has just completed work on a missile that turned out to be a bit of a boondoggle; nicknamed "Civil Servant", it won't work and they can't fire it. % +The government [is] extremely fond of amassing great quantities of +statistics. These are raised to the _nth degree, the cube roots are +extracted, and the results are arranged into elaborate and impressive +displays. What must be kept ever in mind, however, is that in every +case, the figures are first put down by a village watchman, and he puts +down anything he damn well pleases. + -- Sir Josiah Stamp +% The Government just announced today the creation of the Neutron Bomb II. Similar to the Neutron Bomb, the Neutron Bomb II not only kills people and leaves buildings standing, but also does a little light housekeeping. @@ -34899,6 +48001,10 @@ The goys have proven the following theorem... -- Physicist John von Neumann, at the start of a classroom lecture. % +The grand leap of the whale up the Fall of Niagara is esteemed, by all +who have seen it, as one of the finest spectacles in nature. + -- Benjamin Franklin +% The grass is always greener on the other side of your sunglasses. % The grave's a fine and private place, @@ -34908,6 +48014,14 @@ but none, I think, do there embrace. The graveyards are full of indispensable men. -- Charles de Gaulle % +The Great Bald Swamp Hedgehog: + The Great Bald Swamp Hedgehog of Billericay displays, in +courtship, his single prickle and does impressions of Holiday Inn desk +clerks. Since this means him standing motionless for enormous periods +of time he is often eaten in full display by The Great Bald Swamp +Hedgehog Eater. + -- Mike Harding, "The Armchair Anarchist's Almanac" +% The great merit of society is to make one appreciate solitude. -- Charles Chincholles, "Reflections on the Art of Life" % @@ -35196,6 +48310,10 @@ At the expiration of that period you will find that nearly all of them have answered themselves. -- Arthur Binstead % +The greatest dangers to liberty lurk in insidious encroachment by men +of zeal, well-meaning but without understanding. + -- Justice Louis D. Brandeis +% The greatest disloyalty one can offer to great pioneers is to refuse to move an inch from where they stood. % @@ -35245,6 +48363,9 @@ The happiest time of a person's life is after his first divorce. The hardest part of climbing the ladder of success is getting through the crowd at the bottom. % +The hardest thing in the world to understand is the income tax. + -- Albert Einstein +% The hardest thing is to disguise your feelings when you put a lot of relatives on the train for home. % @@ -35260,6 +48381,9 @@ The health of a democratic society may be measured by the quality of functions performed by private citizens. -- Alexis de Tocqueville % +The hearing ear is always found close to the speaking tongue, a custom +whereof the memory of man runneth not howsomever to the contrary, nohow. +% The heart has its reasons which reason knows nothing of. -- Blaise Pascal % @@ -35271,11 +48395,17 @@ The heaviest object in the world is the body of the woman you have ceased to love. -- Marquis de Lac de Clapiers Vauvenargues % +The Heineken Uncertainty Principle: + You can never be sure how many beers you had last night. +% "The hell with the prime directive! Let's kill something!" % The help people need most urgently is help in admitting that they need help. % +The herd instinct among economists makes sheep look like independent +thinkers. +% The heroic hours of life do not announce their presence by drum and trumpet, challenging us to be true to ourselves by appeals to the martial spirit that keeps the blood at heat. Some little, unassuming, unobtrusive choice presents @@ -35285,6 +48415,10 @@ is venial... Then it is that you will be summoned to show the courage of adventurous youth. -- Benjamin Cardozo % +The hieroglyphics are all unreadable except for a notation on the back, +which reads "Genuine authentic Egyptian papyrus. Guaranteed to be at +least 5000 years old." +% The higher you climb, the more you show your ass. -- Alexander Pope, "The Dunciad" % @@ -35320,10 +48454,40 @@ she's already left a note that it's in the refrigerator. % The horror... the horror! % +The human animal differs from the lesser primates in his passion for +lists of "Ten Best". + -- H. Allen Smith +% The human brain is a wonderful thing. It starts working the moment you are born, and never stops until you stand up to speak in public. -- Sir George Jessel % +"The human brain is like an enormous fish -- it is flat and slimy and +has gills through which it can see." + -- Monty Python +% +The human mind ordinarily operates at only ten percent of its +capacity -- the rest is overhead for the operating system. +% +The human mind treats a new idea the way the body treats a strange +protein -- it rejects it. + -- P. Medawar +% +The human race has been fascinated by sharks for as long as I can +remember. Just like the bluebird feeding its young, or the spider +struggling to weave its perfect web, or the buttercup blooming in +spring, the shark reveals to us yet another of the infinite and +wonderful facets of nature, namely the facet that it can bite your head +off. This causes us humans to feel a certain degree of awe. + -- Dave Barry, "The Wonders of Sharks on TV" +% +The human race has one really effective weapon, and that is laughter. + -- Mark Twain +% +The human race is a race of cowards; and I am not only marching in that +procession but carrying a banner. + -- Mark Twain +% The human race never solves any of its problems. It merely outlives them. -- David Gerrold % @@ -35338,11 +48502,25 @@ if you compare it with a system selling for a tenth its price. The IBM purchase of ROLM gives new meaning to the term "twisted pair". -- Howard Anderson, "Yankee Group" % +The idea is to die young as late as possible. + -- Ashley Montague +% The idea that an arbitrary naive human should be able to properly use a given tool without training or understanding is even more wrong for computing than it is for other tools (e.g. automobiles, airplanes, guns, power saws). -- Doug Gwyn % +The idea there was that consumers would bring their broken electronic +devices, such as television sets and VCR's, to the destruction centers, +where trained personnel would whack them (the devices) with +sledgehammers. With their devices thus permanently destroyed, +consumers would then be free to go out and buy new devices, rather than +have to fritter away years of their lives trying to have the old ones +repaired at so-called "factory service centers," which in fact consist +of two men named Lester poking at the insides of broken electronic +devices with cheap cigars and going, "Lookit all them WIRES in there!" + -- Dave Barry, "'Mister Mediocre' Restaurants" +% The ideal voice for radio may be defined as showing no substance, no sex, no owner, and a message of importance for every housewife. -- Harry V. Wade @@ -35352,11 +48530,18 @@ are right and when they are wrong, are more powerful than is generally understood. Indeed, the world is ruled by little else. -- John Maynard Keynes % +"The identical is equal to itself, since it is different." + -- Franco Spisani +% The idle man does not know what it is to enjoy rest. % The idle mind knows not what it is it wants. -- Quintus Ennius % +"The illegal we do immediately. The unconstitutional takes a bit +longer." + -- Henry Kissinger +% The Illiterati Programus Canto 1: A program is a lot like a nose: Sometimes it runs, and sometimes it blows. @@ -35365,10 +48550,20 @@ The important thing is not to stop questioning. % The important thing to remember about walking on eggs is not to hop. % +The income tax has made more liars out of the American people than golf +has. Even when you make a tax form out on the level, you don't know +when it's through if you are a crook or a martyr. + -- Will Rogers +% The income tax has made more liars out of the American people than golf has. -- The Best of Will Rogers % +The individual choice of garnishment of a burger can be an important +point to the consumer in this day when individualism is an increasingly +important thing to people. + -- Donald N. Smith, president of Burger King +% The infliction of cruelty with a good conscience is a delight to moralists. That is why they invented hell. -- Bertrand Russell @@ -35382,6 +48577,10 @@ there are searchings that are not concluded by the coincidence of a pointer and a mark. -- Fred Saberhagen, "The Berserker Wars" % +The intelligence of any discussion diminishes with the square of the +number of participants. + -- Adam Walinsky +% The introduction of a new kind of music must be shunned as imperiling the whole state, for styles of music are never disturbed without affecting the most important political institutions. ... The new @@ -35391,6 +48590,19 @@ constitutions, displaying the utmost impudence, until it ends by overturning everything. -- Plato, "Republic", 370 B.C. % +The IQ of the group is the lowest IQ of a member of the group divided +by the number of people in the group. +% +The IRS spends God knows how much of your tax money on these toll-free +information hot lines staffed by IRS employees, whose idea of a +dynamite tax tip is that you should print neatly. If you ask them a +real tax question, such as how you can cheat, they're useless. + +So, for guidance, you want to look to big business. Big business never +pays a nickel in taxes, according to Ralph Nader, who represents a big +consumer organization that never pays a nickel in taxes... + -- Dave Barry, "Sweating Out Taxes" +% The Israelis are the Doberman pinschers of the Middle East. They treat the Arabs like postmen. -- Franklyn Ajaye @@ -35433,6 +48645,9 @@ drug-using worker is the purest of hypocrisy and the worst of rationalization. Tim Moore, Harvard Journal of Law & Public Policy, vol. 10, No. 3 (Summer 1987), pp. 762-768. % +The Kennedy Constant: + Don't get mad -- get even. +% The key elements in human thinking are not numbers but labels of fuzzy sets. -- L. Zadeh % @@ -35441,6 +48656,8 @@ an artist to the people can be to destroy him. It isn't to anyone's advantage to see the truth. -- Bob Ezrin, rock music producer % +The Killer Ducks are coming!!! +% The kind of danger people most enjoy is the kind they can watch from a safe place. % @@ -35472,6 +48689,18 @@ drinking Iron City Lite, and then I encountered the kosher dill pickle. I realized that there was far more to haute cuisine then I'd ever imagined. And now, just look at me." % +The ladies men admire, I've heard, +Would shudder at a wicked word. +Their candle gives a single light; +They'd rather stay at home at night. +They do not keep awake till three, +Nor read erotic poetry. +They never sanction the impure, +Nor recognize an overture. +They shrink from powders and from paints ... +So far, I've had no complaints. + -- Dorothy Parker +% The language of politics is poetry, not prose. Jackson is poetry. Cuomo is poetry. Dukakis is a word processor. -- Richard Nixon, on Meet the Press, April, 1988 @@ -35492,9 +48721,19 @@ The last time I saw him he was walking down Lover's Lane holding his own hand. -- Fred Allen % +The last time somebody said, "I find I can write much better with a +word processor," I replied, "They used to say the same thing about +drugs." + -- Roy Blount, Jr. +% The last vestiges of the old Republic have been swept away. -- Governor Tarkin % +The Law, in its majestic equality, forbids the rich, as well as the +poor, to sleep under the bridges, to beg in the streets, and to steal +bread. + -- Anatole France +% The Law of Probable Dispersal: That which hits the fan will not be evenly distributed. % @@ -35504,6 +48743,16 @@ The Law of the Letter: The Law of the Perversity of Nature: You cannot determine beforehand which side of the bread to butter. % +The law will never make men free; it is men who have got to make the +law free. + -- Henry David Thoreau +% +"The lawgiver, of all beings, most owes the law allegiance. He of all +men should behave as though the law compelled him. But it is the +universal weakness of mankind that what we are given to administer we +presently imagine we own." + -- H. G. Wells +% The Least Perceptive Literary Critic The most important critic in our field of study is Lord Halifax. A most individual judge of poetry, he once invited Alexander Pope round to @@ -35647,8 +48896,17 @@ The liberals can understand everything but people who don't understand them. The life which is unexamined is not worth living. -- Plato % +The light at the end of the tunnel is the headlight of an approaching +train. +% +The light at the end of the tunnel may be an oncoming dragon. +% The light of a hundred stars does not equal the light of the moon. % +The lion and the calf shall lie down together but the calf won't get +much sleep. + -- Woody Allen +% The little girl expects no declaration of tenderness from her doll. She loves it -- and that's all. It is thus that we should love. -- DeGourmont @@ -35678,11 +48936,18 @@ for he seems to be passing a critical judgment on them, when he may be simply making a limiting statement about himself. -- Sidney Harris % +The longer I am out of office, the more infallible I appear to myself. + -- Henry Kissinger +% The longer the title, the less important the job. % The longest part of the journey is said to be the passing of the gate. -- Marcus Terentius Varro % +"The Lord gave us farmers two strong hands so we could grab as much as +we could with both of them." + -- Joseph Heller, "Catch-22" +% The Lord gave us farmers two strong hands so we could grab as much as we could with both of them. -- Major Major's father @@ -35737,6 +49002,11 @@ The terror of their tyranny, however, is alleviated by their lack of consistency. -- Albert Einstein % +The makers may make +and the users may use, +but the fixers must fix +with but minimal clues +% The man she had was kind and clean And well enough for every day, But oh, dear friends, you should have seen @@ -35760,6 +49030,11 @@ that it was by the simple expedient of kneeling down, pursing his lips and sucking the back of an armchair. "I almost choked," he said afterwards. -- Stephen Pile, "The Book of Heroic Failures" % +The man who follows the crowd will usually get no further than the +crowd. The man who walks alone is likely to find himself in places no +one has ever been. + -- Alan Ashley-Pitt +% The man who has never been flogged has never been taught. -- Menander % @@ -35776,6 +49051,10 @@ The man who sees, on New Year's day, Mount Fuji, a hawk, and an eggplant is forever blessed. -- Old Japanese proverb % +The man who sets out to carry a cat by its tail learns something that +will always be useful and which never will grow dim or doubtful. + -- Mark Twain +% The man who understands one woman is qualified to understand pretty well everything. -- Yeats @@ -35814,6 +49093,10 @@ are one, and that one is marxism. % The Martian Canals were clearly the Martian's last ditch effort! % +The marvels of today's modern technology include the development of a +soda can, when discarded will last forever ... and a $7,000 car which +when properly cared for will rust out in two or three years. +% The mate for beauty should be a man and not a money chest. -- Bulwer % @@ -35830,6 +49113,8 @@ The meek don't want it. % The meek inherit the earth -- usually in small sections... about 6 by 3. % +The meek shall inherit the earth -- they are too weak to refuse. +% The meek shall inherit the earth; but by that time there won't be anything left worth inheriting. % @@ -35854,6 +49139,10 @@ undecided, resolved to be irresolute, adamant for drift, all-powerful for impotency. -- Winston Churchill % +The meta-Turing test counts a thing as intelligent if it seeks to +devise and apply Turing tests to objects of its own creation. + -- Lew Mammel, Jr. +% The minute a man is convinced that he is interesting, he isn't. % The mirror sees the man as beautiful, the mirror loves the man; another @@ -35861,6 +49150,16 @@ mirror sees the man as frightful and hates him; and it is always the same being who produces the impressions. -- Marquis D. A. F. de Sade % +The misnaming of fields of study is so common as to lead to what might +be general systems laws. For example, Frank Harary once suggested the +law that any field that had the word "science" in its name was +guaranteed thereby not to be a science. He would cite as examples +Military Science, Library Science, Political Science, Homemaking +Science, Social Science, and Computer Science. Discuss the generality +of this law, and possible reasons for its predictive power. + -- Gerald Weinberg, "An Introduction to General Systems + Thinking." +% The Modelski Chain Rule: 1: Look intently at the problem for several minutes. Scratch your head at 20-30 second intervals. Try solving the problem on your @@ -35873,14 +49172,24 @@ The Modelski Chain Rule: Generally, he will. It may also be a good idea to give him a sound thrashing anyway, just to show you mean business. % +The modern child will answer you back before you've said anything. + -- Laurence J. Peter +% "The molars, I'm sure, will be all right, the molars can take care of themselves," the old man said, no longer to me. "But what will become of the bicuspids?" -- The Old Man and his Bridge % +The mome rath isn't born that could outgrabe me. + -- Nicol Williamson +% +The moon is a planet just like the Earth, only it is even deader. +% The moon is made of green cheese. -- John Heywood % +The moon may be smaller than Earth, but it's further away. +% The Moral Majority is neither. % The more complex the mind, the greater @@ -35898,6 +49207,10 @@ The more data I punch in this card, the lighter it becomes, and the lower the mailing cost. -- S. Kelly-Bootle, "The Devil's DP Dictionary" % +"The more data I punch in this card, the lighter it becomes, and the +lower the mailing cost." + -- Stan Kelly-Bootle, "The Devil's DP Dictionary" +% The more he talked of his honor the faster we counted our spoons. -- Ralph Waldo Emerson % @@ -35909,6 +49222,10 @@ The more I see of men the more I admire dogs. The more I want to get something done, the less I call it work. -- Richard Bach, "Illusions" % +The more laws and order are made prominent, +the more thieves and robbers there will be. + -- Lao Tsu +% The more pretentious a corporate name, the smaller the organization. (For instance, The Murphy Center for Codification of Human and Organizational Law, contrasted to IBM, GM, AT&T ...) @@ -35922,8 +49239,13 @@ the easier it is to stop up the drain. The more things change, the more they remain the same. -- Alphonse Karr % +The more things change, the more they stay insane. +% The more things change, the more they'll never be the same again. % +The more we disagree, the more chance there is that at least one of us +is right. +% The more you complain, the longer God lets you live. % The more you sweat in peace, the less you bleed in war. @@ -35934,6 +49256,9 @@ three years; and there were six honorable mentions of one year each. % The mosquito exists to keep the mighty humble. % +The mosquito is the state bird of New Jersey. + -- Andy Warhol +% The moss on the tree does not fear the talons of the hawk. % The most advantageous, pre-eminent thing thou canst do is not to @@ -35968,6 +49293,10 @@ the country is the one on which you resell it. The most difficult thing about surviving AIDS is trying to convince your parents that you're Haitian. % +"The most difficult thing in the world is to know how to do a thing and +to watch someone else do it wrong without comment." + -- Theodore H. White +% The most difficult thing in the world is to know how to do a thing and to watch someone else doing it wrong, without commenting. -- T. H. White @@ -35978,6 +49307,10 @@ The most disagreeable thing that your worst enemy says to your face does not approach what your best friends say behind your back. -- Alfred De Musset % +The most exciting phrase to hear in science, the one that heralds new +discoveries, is not "Eureka!" (I found it!) but "That's funny ..." + -- Isaac Asimov +% The most exquisite peak in culinary art is conquered when you do right by a ham, for a ham, in the very nature of the process it has undergone since last it walked on its own feet, combines in its flavor the tang of smoky autumnal @@ -36070,6 +49403,8 @@ The most winning woman I ever knew was hanged for poisoning three little children for their insurance money. -- Sherlock Holmes % +The moving cursor writes, and having written, blinks on. +% The Moving Finger writes; and, having writ, Moves on: nor all they Piety nor Wit Shall lure it back to cancel half a Line, @@ -36085,6 +49420,13 @@ The naked truth of it is, I have no shirt. The nation that controls magnetism controls the universe. -- Chester Gould/Dick Tracy % +"The National Association of Theater Concessionaires reported that in +1986, 60% of all candy sold in movie theaters was sold to Roger Ebert." + -- D. Letterman +% +The National Short-Sleeved Shirt Association says: + Support your right to bare arms! +% The nearer to the church, the further from God. -- John Heywood % @@ -36093,12 +49435,36 @@ in it here and there. Any given spoonful will likely have an IQ of 1, but occasional spoonfuls may have an IQ more than six times that! -- James "Kibo" Parry % +The net of law is spread so wide, +No sinner from its sweep may hide. +Its meshes are so fine and strong, +They take in every child of wrong. +O wondrous web of mystery! +Big fish alone escape from thee! + -- James Jeffrey Roche +% +The new Congressmen say they're going to turn the government around. I +hope I don't get run over again. +% The New England Journal of Medicine reports that 9 out of 10 doctors agree that 1 out of 10 doctors is an idiot. % THE NEW RIGHT: A javelin team that elects to receive. % +The New Testament offers the basis for modern computer coding theory, +in the form of an affirmation of the binary number system. + + But let your communication be Yea, yea; nay, nay: for + whatsoever is more than these cometh of evil. + -- Matthew 5:37 +% +"The New York Times is read by the people who run the country. The +Washington Post is read by the people who think they run the country. +The National Enquirer is read by the people who think Elvis is alive +and running the country ..." + -- Robert J Woodhead +% The next person to mention spaghetti stacks to me is going to have his head knocked off. -- Bill Conrad @@ -36109,6 +49475,10 @@ The last thing I said was false. The nice thing about egotists is that they don't talk about other people. -- Lucille S. Harper % +The nice thing about standards is that there are so many of them to +choose from. + -- Andrew S. Tanenbaum +% The nicest thing about the Alto is that it doesn't run faster at night. % The night passes quickly when you're asleep @@ -36126,6 +49496,20 @@ bicycles in their search for sustenance, driven by cruel Nature's maxim, 'Ya wanna eat, ya gotta work,' and at last I knew Pittsburgh. -- Winning sentence, 1987 Bulwer-Lytton bad fiction contest % +The notion of a "record" is an obsolete remnant of the days of the +80-column card. + -- Dennis M. Ritchie +% +The notion that the church, the press, and the universities should +serve the state is essentially a Communist notion ... In a free society +these institutions must be wholly free -- which is to say that their +function is to serve as checks upon the state. + -- Alan Barth +% +The number of arguments is unimportant unless some of them are +correct. + -- Ralph Hartley +% The number of computer scientists in a room is inversely proportional to the number of bugs in their code. % @@ -36143,10 +49527,23 @@ is read by the people who think they run the country. The National Enquirer is read by the people who think Elvis is alive and running the country. -- Robert Woodhead % +The objective of all dedicated employees should be to thoroughly +analyze all situations, anticipate all problems prior to their +occurrence, have answers for these problems, and move swiftly to solve +these problems when called upon. + +However, when you are up to your ass in alligators it is difficult to +remind yourself your initial objective was to drain the swamp. +% The odds are a million to one against your being one in a million. % The Official Colorado State Vegetable is now the "state legislator". % +The Official MBA Handbook on business cards: + Avoid overly pretentious job titles such as "Lord of the Realm, +Defender of the Faith, Emperor of India" or "Director of Corporate +Planning." +% The Official MBA Handbook on doing company business on an airplane: Do not work openly on top-secret company cost documents unless @@ -36181,11 +49578,24 @@ floor. "Sorry," he said with a smile. -- Jack Handey, "The New Mexican", 1988. % +The older a man gets, the farther he had to walk to school as a boy. +% +The older I grow, the less important the comma becomes. Let the reader +catch his own breath. + -- Elizabeth Clarkson Zwart +% +The older I grow the more I distrust the familiar doctrine that age +brings wisdom. + -- H. L. Mencken +% The one charm of marriage is that it makes a life of deception a necessity. -- Oscar Wilde % The one day you'd sell your soul for something, souls are a glut. % +The one good thing about repeating your mistakes is that you know when +to cringe. +% The one L lama, he's a priest The two L llama, he's a beast And I will bet my silk pyjama @@ -36267,9 +49677,16 @@ The only person to get all of his work done by Friday was Robinson Crusoe. % The only person who always got his work done by Friday was Robinson Crusoe. % +The only possible interpretation of any research whatever in the +`social sciences' is: some do, some don't. + -- Ernest Rutherford +% The only possible interpretation of any research whatever in the "social sciences" is: some do, some don't. % +The only problem with being a man of leisure is that you can never stop +and take a rest. +% The only problem with seeing too much is that it makes you insane. -- Phaedrus % @@ -36293,6 +49710,17 @@ for getting acquainted. The only real way to look younger is not to be born so soon. -- C. Schultz % +"The only real way to look younger is not to be born so soon." + -- Charles Schulz, "Things I've Had to Learn Over and + Over and Over" +% +The only really decent thing to do behind a person's back is pat it. +% +The only really good place to buy lumber is at a store where the lumber +has already been cut and attached together in the form of furniture, +finished, and put inside boxes. + -- Dave Barry, "The Taming of the Screw" +% The only really masterful noise a man makes in a house is the noise of his key, when he is still on the landing, fumbling for the lock. -- Colette @@ -36314,6 +49742,10 @@ The only thing that stops God from sending a second Flood is that the first one was useless. -- Nicolas Chamfort % +The only thing to do with good advice is pass it on. It is never any +use to oneself. + -- Oscar Wilde +% The only thing we learn from history is that we do not learn. -- Earl Warren @@ -36329,6 +49761,14 @@ nothing from history. I know people who can't even learn from what happened this morning. Hegel must have been taking the long view. -- Chad C. Mulligan, "The Hipcrime Vocab" % +The only thing we learn from history is that we learn nothing from +history." + -- Friedrich Hegel + +"I know guys can't learn from yesterday ... Hegel must be taking the +long view." + -- John Brunner, "Stand on Zanzibar" +% The only thing which separates man from child is all the values he has lost over the years. -- Poul Henningsen (1894-1967) @@ -36343,6 +49783,9 @@ and guilt. The only way to amuse some people is to slip and fall on an icy pavement. % +The only way to get rid of a temptation is to yield to it. + -- Oscar Wilde +% The only way to keep you health is to eat what you don't want, drink what you don't like, and do what you'd rather not. -- Mark Twain @@ -36354,10 +49797,16 @@ The onset and the waning of love make themselves felt in the uneasiness experienced at being alone together. -- Jean de la Bruyere % +The opossum is a very sophisticated animal. It doesn't even get up +until 5 or 6 p.m. +% The opposite of a correct statement is a false statement. But the opposite of a profound truth may well be another profound truth. -- Niels Bohr % +The opposite of a profound truth may well be another profound truth. + -- Niels Bohr +% The opposite of talking isn't listening. The opposite of talking is waiting. -- Fran Lebowitz, "Social Studies" @@ -36371,6 +49820,9 @@ almost gently. The optimist proclaims that we live in the best of all possible worlds; and the pessimist fears this is true. -- James Cabell, "The Silver Stallion" % +The optimum committee has no members. + -- Norman Augustine +% The opulence of the front office door varies inversely with the fundamental solvency of the firm. % @@ -36380,6 +49832,10 @@ God, it's hell when you know this could be your last day, But it's better than working for Xerox. -- Frank Hayes, "Don't Ask" % +"The other day I put instant coffee in my microwave oven ... I almost +went back in time." + -- Steven Wright +% The other day I... uh, no, that wasn't me. -- Steven Wright % @@ -36408,6 +49864,14 @@ she wanted from her rather dense boyfriend. Finally she asked, "Would you like to see where I was operated on for appendicitis?" "Gosh, no!" he replied. "I hate hospitals." % +The past always looks better than it was. It's only pleasant because +it isn't here. + -- Finley Peter Dunne (Mr. Dooley) +% +The penalty for laughing in a courtroom is six months in jail; if it +were not for this penalty, the jury would never hear the evidence. + -- H. L. Mencken +% The people sensible enough to give good advice are usually sensible enough to give none. % @@ -36453,6 +49917,22 @@ is like the treatment of an illness. The Phone Booth Rule: A lone dime always gets the number nearly right. % +The Pig, if I am not mistaken, +Gives us ham and pork and Bacon. +Let others think his heart is big, +I think it stupid of the Pig. + -- Ogden Nash +% +The pitcher wound up and he flang the ball at the batter. The batter +swang and missed. The pitcher flang the ball again and this time the +batter connected. He hit a high fly right to the center fielder. The +center fielder was all set to catch the ball, but at the last minute +his eyes were blound by the sun and he dropped it. + -- Dizzy Dean +% +The plot was designed in a light vein that somehow became varicose. + -- David Lardner +% The plural of spouse is spice. % The Poems, all three hundred of them, @@ -36493,6 +49973,15 @@ The point is, you see, that there is no point in driving yourself mad trying to stop yourself going mad. You might just as well give in and save your sanity for later. % +The polite thing to do has always been to address people as they wish +to be addressed, to treat them in a way they think dignified. But it +is equally important to accept and tolerate different standards of +courtesy, not expecting everyone else to adapt to one's own +preferences. Only then can we hope to restore the insult to its proper +social function of expressing true distaste. + -- Judith Martin, "Miss Manners' Guide to + Excruciatingly Correct Behavior" +% The politician is someone who deals in man's problems of adjustment. To ask a politician to lead us is to ask the tail of a dog to lead the dog. -- Buckminster Fuller @@ -36501,6 +49990,8 @@ The pollution's at that awkward stage. Too thick to navigate and too thin to cultivate. -- Doug Sneyd % +The porcupine with the sharpest quills gets stuck on a tree more often. +% The possession of a book becomes a substitute for reading it. -- Anthony Burgess % @@ -36509,12 +50000,27 @@ prohibited by it to the States, are reserved to the States respectively, or to the people. -- U.S. Constitution, Amendment 10. (Bill of Rights) % +The Preacher, the Politician, the Teacher, + Were each of them once a kiddie. +A child, indeed, is a wonderful creature. + Do I want one? God Forbiddie! + -- Ogden Nash +% +The President publicly apologized today to all those offended by his +brother's remark, "There's more Arabs in this country than there is +Jews!". Those offended include Arabs, Jews, and English teachers. + -- Baltimore, Channel 11 News, on Jimmy Carter +% The prettiest women are almost always the most boring, and that is why some people feel there is no God. -- Woody Allen, "Without Feathers" % The price of greatness is responsibility. % +The price of seeking to force our beliefs on others is that someday +they might force their beliefs on us. + -- Mario Cuomo +% The price of success in philosophy is triviality. -- C. Glymour % @@ -36522,16 +50028,68 @@ The price one pays for pursuing any profession, or calling, is an intimate knowledge of its ugly side. -- James Baldwin % +The primary cause of failure in electrical appliances is an expired +warranty. Often, you can get an appliance running again simply by +changing the warranty expiration date with a 15/64-inch felt-tipped +marker. + -- Dave Barry, "The Taming of the Screw" +% The primary function of the design engineer is to make things difficult for the fabricator and impossible for the serviceman. % +The primary purpose of the DATA statement is to give names to +constants; instead of referring to pi as 3.141592653589793 at every +appearance, the variable PI can be given that value with a DATA +statement and used instead of the longer form of the constant. This +also simplifies modifying the program, should the value of pi change. + -- FORTRAN manual for Xerox Computers +% +The primary requisite for any new tax law is for it to exempt enough +voters to win the next election. +% +The primary theme of SoupCon is communication. The acronym "LEO" +represents the secondary theme: + + Law Enforcement Officials + +The overall theme of SoupCon shall be: + + Avoiding Communication with Law Enforcement Officials + -- M. Gallaher +% The probability of someone watching you is directly proportional to the stupidity of your action. % +The probability of someone watching you is proportional to the +stupidity of your action. +% +The problem ... is that we have run out of dinosaurs to form oil with. +Scientists working for the Department of Energy have tried to form oil +using other animals; they've piled thousands of tons of sand and Middle +Eastern countries on top of cows, raccoons, haddock, laboratory rats, +etc., but so far all they have managed to do is run up an enormous +bulldozer-rental bill and anger a lot of Middle Eastern persons. None +of the animals turned into oil, although most of the laboratory rats +developed cancer. + -- Dave Barry, "Postpetroleum Guzzler" +% The problem that we thought was a problem was, indeed, a problem, but not the problem we thought was the problem. -- Mike Smith % +The problem with any unwritten law is that you don't know where to go +to erase it. + -- Glaser and Way +% +The problem with engineers is that they tend to cheat in order to get +results. + +The problem with mathematicians is that they tend to work on toy +problems in order to get results. + +The problem with program verifiers is that they tend to cheat at toy +problems in order to get results. +% The problem with graduate students, in general, is that they have to sleep every few days. % @@ -36544,6 +50102,12 @@ The problem with most conspiracy theories is that they seem to believe that for a group of people to behave in a way detrimental to the common good requires intent. % +The problem with people who have no vices is that generally you can be +pretty sure they're going to have some pretty annoying virtues. + -- Elizabeth Taylor +% +The problem with the gene pool is that there is no lifeguard. +% The problem with this country is that there is no death penalty for incompetence. % @@ -36578,6 +50142,13 @@ The propriety of some persons seems to consist in having improper thoughts about their neighbours. -- F. H. Bradley % +The Psblurtex is an 18-inch long anaconda that hides in the gentlemen's +outfitting departments of Amazonian stores and is often bought by +mistake since its colors are those of the London Reform Club. Once +tied around its victim's neck, it strangles him gently and then claims +the insurance before running off to Germany where it lives in hiding. + -- Mike Harding, "The Armchair Anarchist's Almanac" +% The public demands certainties; it must be told definitely and a bit raucously that this is true and that is false. But there are no certainties. @@ -36594,6 +50165,15 @@ The purpose of Physics 7A is to make the engineers realize that they're not perfect, and to make the rest of the people realize that they're not engineers. % +"The pyramid is opening!" +"Which one?" +"The one with the ever-widening hole in it!" + -- The Firesign Theatre, "How Can You Be In Two Places + At Once When You're Not Anywhere At All" +% +The qotc (quote of the con) was Liz's: + "My brain is paged out to my liver" +% The quality of a pun is in the "Oy!" of the beholder. % The Queen is most anxious to enlist every one who can speak or write to @@ -36606,6 +50186,12 @@ remain each in their own position. -- Letter to Sir Theodore Martin, 29 May 1870, from Queen Victoria % +The question is, why are politicians so eager to be president? What is +it about the job that makes it worth revealing, on national television, +that you have the ethical standards of a slime-coated piece of +industrial waste? + -- Dave Barry, "On Presidential Politics" +% The questions remain the same. The answers are eternally variable. % @@ -36618,6 +50204,12 @@ The race is not always to the swift, nor the battle to the strong, but that's the way to bet. -- Damon Runyon % +The rain it raineth on the just + And also on the unjust fella, +But chiefly on the just, because + The unjust steals the just's umbrella. + -- Lord Bowen +% The Ranger isn't gonna like it, Yogi. % The rate at which a disease spreads through a corn field is a precise @@ -36627,6 +50219,9 @@ The ratio of literacy to illiteracy is a constant, but nowadays the illiterates can read. -- Alberto Moravia % +The reader this message encounters not failing to understand is +cursed. +% The real man's Bloody Mary: Ingredients: vodka, tomato juice, Tabasco, Worcestershire sauce, A-1 steak sauce, ice, salt, pepper, celery. @@ -36647,6 +50242,14 @@ psychologists are trying to do the impossible. % The real trouble with reality is that there's no background music. % +The reason computer chips are so small is computers don't eat much. +% +The reason it's called "Grape Nuts" is that it contains "dextrose", +which is also sometimes called "grape sugar", and also because "Grape +Nuts" is catchier, in terms of marketing, than "A Cross Between Gerbil +Food and Gravel", which is what it tastes like. + -- Dave Barry, "Tips for Writer's" +% The reason people sweat is so they won't catch fire when making love. -- Don Rose % @@ -36657,9 +50260,18 @@ people. The reason they're called wisdom teeth is that the experience makes you wise. % +The reason we come up with new versions is not to fix bugs. It's +absolutely not. + -- Bill Gates +% The reason why worry kills more people than work is that more people worry than work. % +The reasonable man adapts himself to the world; the unreasonable one +persists in trying to adapt the world to himself. Therefore all +progress depends on the unreasonable man. + -- George Bernard Shaw +% The reasons that each of these countries has had to renege on its financial commitments were all somewhat different: Argentina because of a war, Poland because of its vast misguided overinvestment in heavy @@ -36685,11 +50297,29 @@ And thus did the hen reward Beecher. The reverse side also has a reverse side. -- Japanese proverb % +The revolution will not be televised. +% The reward for working hard is more hard work. % +The reward of a thing well done is to have done it. + -- Emerson +% +The rhino is a homely beast, +For human eyes he's not a feast. +Farewell, farewell, you old rhinoceros, +I'll stare at something less prepoceros. + -- Ogden Nash +% The rich get rich, and the poor get poorer. The haves get more, the have-nots die. % +The right half of the brain controls the left half of the body. This +means that only left handed people are in their right mind. +% +"The Right Honorable Gentleman is indebted to his memory for his jests +and to his imagination for his facts." + -- Sheridan +% The right to be heard does not automatically include the right to be taken seriously. -- Hubert H. Humphrey @@ -36697,18 +50327,29 @@ taken seriously. The right to be let alone is indeed the beginning of all freedom. -- Justice Douglas % +The right to revolt has sources deep in our history. + -- Supreme Court Justice William O. Douglas +% The rights and interests of the laboring man will be protected and cared for not by our labor agitators, but by the Christian men to whom God in his infinite wisdom has given control of property interests of the country, and upon the successful management of which so much remains. -- George F. Baer, railroad industrialist % +"The rights you have are the rights given you by this Committee [the +House Un-American Activities Committee]. We will determine what rights +you have and what rights you have not got." + -- J. Parnell Thomas +% The ripest fruit falls first. -- William Shakespeare, "Richard II" % The road to Hades is easy to travel. -- Bion % +The road to hell is paved with good intentions. And littered with +sloppy analysis! +% The road to hell is paved with NAND gates. -- J. Gooding % @@ -36716,15 +50357,29 @@ The road to ruin is always in good repair, and the travellers pay the expense of it. -- Josh Billings % +The Roman Rule + The one who says it cannot be done should never interrupt the + one who is doing it. +% The root of all superstition is that men observe when a thing hits, but not when it misses. -- Francis Bacon % The rose of yore is but a name, mere names are left to us. % +The Ruffed Pandanga of Borneo and Rotherham spreads out his feathers in +his courtship dance and imitates Winston Churchill and Tommy Cooper on +one leg. The padanga is dying out because the female padanga doesn't +take it too seriously. + -- Mike Harding, "The Armchair Anarchist's Almanac" +% The rule is, jam to-morrow and jam yesterday, but never jam today. -- Lewis Carroll % +The rule on staying alive as a forecaster is to give 'em a number or +give 'em a date, but never give 'em both at once. + -- Jane Bryant Quinn +% The rules are rather simple to understand: Under democracy you can defend any view, but only defend it. You can not try to realize it through power, violence or weapons. @@ -36769,6 +50424,18 @@ Cowboy: "Well, you've been a pretty good hoss, I guess. Hardworkin'. Horse: "No, stupid, not feed*back*. I said I wanted a feed*bag*. % +"The Schizophrenic: An Unauthorized Autobiography" +% +The Schwine-Kitzenger Institute study of 47 men over the age of 100 +showed that all had these things in common: + + (1) They all had moderate appetites. + (2) They all came from middle class homes. + (3) All but two of them were dead. +% +The scum also rises. + -- Hunter S. Thompson +% The search for the perfect martini is a fraud. The perfect martini is a belt of gin from the bottle; anything else is the decadent trappings of civilization. @@ -36796,6 +50463,12 @@ The sendmail configuration file is one of those files that looks like someone beat their head on the keyboard. After working with it... I can see why! -- Harry Skelton % +The seven deadly sins ... Food, clothing, firing, rent, taxes, +respectability and children. Nothing can lift those seven millstones +from Man's neck but money; and the spirit cannot soar until the +millstones are lifted. + -- George Bernard Shaw +% The seven eyes of Ningauble the Wizard floated back to his hood as he reported to Fafhrd: "I have seen much, yet cannot explain all. The Gray Mouser is exactly twenty-five feet below the deepest cellar in the palace @@ -36812,13 +50485,23 @@ equipped with all modern weapons. Yet you can save the city." The seven year itch comes from fooling around during the fourth, fifth, and sixth years. % +The Seventh Commandments for Technicians + Work thou not on energized equipment, for if thou dost, thy +fellow workers will surely buy beers for thy widow and console her in +other ways. +% The sheep died in the wool. % +The sheep that fly over your head are soon to land. +% The shifts of Fortune test the reliability of friends. -- Marcus Tullius Cicero % The shortest distance between any two puns is a straight line. % +The shortest distance between two points is under construction. + -- Noelie Alito +% The Shuttle is now going five times the sound of speed. -- Dan Rather, first landing of Columbia % @@ -36826,6 +50509,12 @@ The six great gifts of an Irish girl are beauty, soft voice, sweet speech, wisdom, needlework, and chastity. -- Theodore Roosevelt, 1907 % +The Sixth Commandment of Frisbee: + The greatest single aid to distance is for the disc to be going +in a direction you did not want. (Goes the wrong way = Goes a long +way.) + -- Dan Roddick +% The sixth sheik's sixth sheep's sick. -- [just say that five times...] % @@ -36864,6 +50553,11 @@ The so-called lessons of history are for the most part the rationalizations of the victors. History is written by the survivors. -- Max Lerner % +"The society which scorns excellence in plumbing as a humble activity +and tolerates shoddiness in philosophy because it is an exalted +activity will have neither good plumbing nor good philosophy ... +neither its pipes nor its theories will hold water." +% The soldier came knocking upon the queen's door He said, "I am not fighting for you anymore" The queen knew she had seen his face someplace before @@ -36905,8 +50599,20 @@ the table as the children gathered around him. Eventually, one timid youngster put up his hand and said, "Please, sir, I know the answer is Jesus, but it sure sounds like a squirrel to me." % +"The sooner all the animals are dead, the sooner we'll find their +money." + -- Ed Bluestone, "The National Lampoon" +% The sooner you fall behind, the more time you have to catch up. % +"The sooner you fall behind, the more time you'll have to catch up!" +% +The sooner you make your first 5000 mistakes, the sooner you will be +able to correct them. + -- Nicolaides +% +The soul would have no rainbow had the eyes no tears. +% The sounds of the nouns are mostly unbound. In town a noun might wear a gown, or further down, might dress a clown. @@ -36918,6 +50624,22 @@ But please don't let that get you down, the renown of your gown is the talk of the town. -- A. Nonnie Mouse % +The Soviet pre-eminence in chess can be traced to the average Russian's +readiness to brood obsessively over anything, even the arrangement of +some pieces of wood. Indeed, the Russians' predisposition for quiet +reflection followed by sudden preventive action explains why they led +the field for many years in both chess and ax murders. It is well +known that as early as 1970, the U.S.S.R., aware of what a defeat at +Reykjavik would do to national prestige, implemented a vigorous program +of preparation and incentive. Every day for an entire year, a team of +psychologists, chess analysts and coaches met with the top three +Russian grand masters and threatened them with a pointy stick. That +these tactics proved fruitless is now a part of chess history and a +further testament to the American way, which provides that if you want +something badly enough, you can always go to Iceland and get it from +the Russians. + -- Marshall Brickman, Playboy, April, 1973 +% The Soviet Union, which has complained recently about alleged anti-Soviet themes in American advertising, lodged an official protest this week against the Ford Motor Company's new campaign: "Hey you stinking, fat @@ -36944,9 +50666,14 @@ died of obesity and heart failure, and the science of mathematics was put back by years. -- Douglas Adams % +The state law of Pennsylvania prohibits singing in the bathtub. +% The state of innocence contains the germs of all future sin. -- Alexandre Arnoux, "Etudes et caprices" % +The steady state of disks is full. + -- Ken Thompson +% The story of the butterfly: "I was in Bogota and waiting for a lady friend. I was in love, a long time ago. I waited three days. I was hungry but could not go @@ -36970,6 +50697,10 @@ You see, you're just like me. I hope you're satisfied." -- Bob Dylan % +The streets are safe in Philadelphia, it's only the people who make +them unsafe. + -- Mayor Frank Rizzo +% The streets were dark with something more than night. -- Raymond Chandler % @@ -36986,6 +50717,16 @@ He creates himself by fashioning his own values; he has the pride to live by the values he wills. -- Friedrich Nietzsche % +"The student in question is performing minimally for his peer group and +is an emerging underachiever." +% +The study of non-linear physics is like the study of non-elephant +biology. +% +"The subspace _W inherits the other 8 properties of _V. And there aren't +even any property taxes." + -- J. MacKay, Mathematics 134b +% The sudden sight of me causes panic in the streets. They have yet to learn - only the savage fears what he does not understand. -- The Silver Surfer @@ -36993,18 +50734,34 @@ yet to learn - only the savage fears what he does not understand. The sum of the intelligence of the world is constant. The population is, of course, growing. % +The sum of the Universe is zero. +% The sun never sets on those who ride into it. -- RKO % +The sun was shining on the sea, +Shining with all his might: +He did his very best to make +The billows smooth and bright -- +And this was very odd, because it was +The middle of the night. + -- Lewis Carroll, "Through the Looking Glass" +% The sunlights differ, but there is only one darkness. -- Ursula K. LeGuin, "The Dispossessed" % +The superfluous is very necessary. + -- Voltaire +% The superior man understands what is right; the inferior man understands what will sell. -- Confucius % The Supreme Court does it with all deliberate speed. % +The surest protection against temptation is cowardice. + -- Mark Twain +% The surest sign that a man is in love is when he divorces his wife. % The surest way to corrupt a youth is to instruct him to hold in higher @@ -37070,6 +50827,26 @@ The telephone is a good way to talk to people without having to offer them a drink. -- Fran Lebowitz, "Interview" % +The temperature of Heaven can be rather accurately computed. Our +authority is Isaiah 30:26, "Moreover, the light of the Moon shall be as +the light of the Sun and the light of the Sun shall be sevenfold, as +the light of seven days." Thus Heaven receives from the Moon as much +radiation as we do from the Sun, and in addition 7*7 (49) times as much +as the Earth does from the Sun, or 50 times in all. The light we +receive from the Moon is one 1/10,000 of the light we receive from the +Sun, so we can ignore that ... The radiation falling on Heaven will +heat it to the point where the heat lost by radiation is just equal to +the heat received by radiation, i.e., Heaven loses 50 times as much +heat as the Earth by radiation. Using the Stefan-Boltzmann law for +radiation, (_H/_E)^4 = 50, where _E is the absolute temperature of the +earth (~300K), gives _H as 798K (525C). The exact temperature of Hell +cannot be computed ... [However] Revelations 21:8 says "But the +fearful, and unbelieving ... shall have their part in the lake which +burneth with fire and brimstone." A lake of molten brimstone means +that its temperature must be at or below the boiling point, 444.6C. We +have, then, that Heaven, at 525C is hotter than Hell at 445C. + -- From "Applied Optics" vol. 11, A14, 1972 +% The temperature of Heaven can be rather accurately computed from available data. Our authority is Isaiah 30:26, "Moreover, the light of the Moon shall be as the light of the Sun and the light of the Sun shall be sevenfold, @@ -37123,6 +50900,11 @@ and causes the most amount of trouble is sex. % The things that interest people most are usually none of their business. % +The Third Law of Photography: + If you did manage to get any good shots, they will be ruined +when someone inadvertently opens the darkroom door and all of the dark +leaks out. +% The thought of being President frightens me and I do not think I want the job. -- Ronald Reagan in 1973 @@ -37162,6 +50944,13 @@ The three laws of thermodynamics: (2) The most you can accomplish by working is to break even. (3) You can only break even at absolute zero. % +The Three Laws of Thermodynamics: + +The First Law: You can't get anything without working for it. +The Second Law: The most you can accomplish by working is to break + even. +The Third Law: You can only break even at absolute zero. +% THE THREE MOST COMMONLY-ASKED QUESTIONS AT DISNEYLAND: 1) Where's the bathroom? @@ -37219,12 +51008,28 @@ The trouble is, there is an endless supply of White Men, but there has always been a limited number of Human Beings. -- Little Big Man % +The trouble with a kitten is that +When it grows up, it's always a cat + -- Ogden Nash +% The trouble with a lot of self-made men is that they worship their creator. % +The trouble with being poor is that it takes up all your time. +% +The trouble with being punctual is that nobody's there to appreciate +it. + -- Franklin P. Jones +% +The trouble with being punctual is that people think you have nothing +more important to do. +% The trouble with computers is that they do what you tell them, not what you want. -- D. Cohen % +The trouble with doing something right the first time is that nobody +appreciates how difficult it was. +% The trouble with eating Italian food is that five or six days later you're hungry again. -- George Miller @@ -37246,6 +51051,9 @@ The trouble with some women is that they get all excited about nothing -- and then marry him. -- Cher % +The trouble with superheros is what to do between phone booths. + -- Ken Kesey +% The trouble with telling a good story is that it invariably reminds the other fellow of a dull one. -- Sid Caesar @@ -37275,6 +51083,12 @@ The truth about a man lies first and foremost in what he hides. The truth is rarely pure, and never simple. -- Oscar Wilde % +The truth is what is; what should be is a dirty lie. + -- Lenny Bruce +% +The truth of a proposition has nothing to do with its credibility. And +vice versa. +% The truth of a thing is the feel of it, not the think of it. -- Stanley Kubrick % @@ -37284,9 +51098,19 @@ The Truth Shall Rape You Over. The truth you speak has no past and no future. It is, and that's all it needs to be. % +The turtle lives 'twixt plated decks +Which practically conceal its sex. +I think it clever of the turtle +In such a fix to be so fertile. + -- Ogden Nash +% The two most beautiful words in the English language are "Cheque Enclosed." -- Dorothy Parker % +"The two most common things in the universe are hydrogen and +stupidity." + -- Harlan Ellison +% The two oldest professions in the world have been ruined by amateurs. -- George Bernard Shaw % @@ -37298,6 +51122,10 @@ by Hegel for the American market on a subcontract from General Dynamics. The two things that can get you into trouble quicker than anything else are fast women and slow horses. % +The typewriting machine, when played with expression, is no more +annoying than the piano when played by a sister or near relation. + -- Oscar Wilde +% The, uh, snowy mountains are like really cold, eh? And the, um, plains stretch out like my moms girdle, eh? There's lotsa beers and doughnuts for everyone, eh? @@ -37317,6 +51145,17 @@ where somebody gets killed at the end. The unfacts, did we have them, are too imprecisely few to warrant out certitude. % +The United States also has its native Fascists who say that they are +"100 percent American"... + -- U. S. Army (1945) +% +The United States is like the guy at the party who gives cocaine to +everybody and still nobody likes him. + -- Jim Samuels +% +The universe does not have laws -- it has habits, and habits can be +broken. +% The universe is all a spin-off of the Big Bang. % The universe is an island, @@ -37324,6 +51163,10 @@ surrounded by whatever it is that surrounds universes. % The universe is laughing behind your back. % +The universe is like a safe to which there is a combination -- but the +combination is locked up in the safe. + -- Peter DeVries +% The Universe is populated by stable things. -- Richard Dawkins % @@ -37334,6 +51177,11 @@ It cannot be ruled by interfering. The universe seems neither benign nor hostile, merely indifferent. -- Sagan % +The University of California Bears announced the signing of Reggie +Philbin to a letter of intent to attend Cal next Fall. Philbin is said +to make up for no talent by cheating well. Says Philbin of his +decision to attend Cal, "I'm in it for the free ride." +% The University of California Statistics Department; where mean is normal, and deviation standard. % @@ -37344,6 +51192,13 @@ The urge to gamble is so universal and its practice so pleasurable that I assume it must be evil. -- Heywood Broun % +The USA is so enormous, and so numerous are its schools, colleges and +religious seminaries, many devoted to special religious beliefs ranging +from the unorthodox to the dotty, that we can hardly wonder at its +yielding a more bounteous harvest of gobbledygook than the rest of the +world put together. + -- Sir Peter Medawar +% The use of anthropomorphic terminology when dealing with computing systems is a symptom of professional immaturity. -- Edsger W. Dijkstra @@ -37357,6 +51212,20 @@ The use of money is all the advantage there is to having money. % The value of a program is proportional to the weight of its output. % +The verdict of a jury is the a priori opinion of that juror who smokes +the worst cigars. + -- H. L. Mencken +% +The very ink with which all history is written is merely fluid +prejudice. + -- Mark Twain +% +The very powerful and the very stupid have one thing in common. +Instead of altering their views to fit the facts, they alter the facts +to fit their views ... which can be very uncomfortable if you happen to +be one of the facts that needs altering. + -- Doctor Who, "Face of Evil" +% The very remembrance of my former misfortune proves a new one to me. -- Miguel de Cervantes % @@ -37385,11 +51254,22 @@ then galloped wriggling from the room followed by her distraught boyfriend. A man seated on the other side of the room with a date of his own beckoned to the waiter and said, "We'll have two of whatever she was drinking." % +"The voters have spoken, the bastards ..." +% +"The wages of sin are death; but after they're done taking out taxes, +it's just a tired feeling:" +% +The wages of sin are high but you get your money's worth. +% The wages of sin are unreported. % The War on Drugs is just a small part of the War on the United States Constitution. % +"The warning message we sent the Russians was a calculated ambiguity +that would be clearly understood." + -- Alexander Haig +% The water was not fit to drink. To make it palatable, we had to add whiskey. By diligent effort, I learned to like it. @@ -37416,6 +51296,9 @@ The way to fight a woman is with your hat. Grab it and run. % The way to love anything is to realize that it might be lost. % +"The way to make a small fortune in the commodities market is to start +with a large fortune." +% The weather is here, I wish you were beautiful. My thoughts aren't too clear, but don't run away. My girlfriend's a bore; my job is too dutiful. @@ -37454,6 +51337,12 @@ The whole world is a scab. The point is to pick it constructively. The whole world is a tuxedo and you are a pair of brown shoes. -- George Gobel % +The wind doth taste so bitter sweet, + Like Jaspar wine and sugar, +It must have blown through someone's feet, + Like those of Caspar Weinberger. + -- P. Opus +% The wise and intelligent are coming belatedly to realize that alcohol, and not the dog, is man's best friend. Rover is taking a beating -- and he should. @@ -37491,6 +51380,12 @@ The world is a comedy to those who think, and a tragedy to those who feel. -- Horace Walpole % +The world is coming to an end. Please log off. +% +The world is coming to an end! Repent and return those library books! +% +The world is coming to an end ... SAVE YOUR BUFFERS!!! +% The world is full of people who have never, since childhood, met an open doorway with an open mind. -- E. B. White @@ -37516,6 +51411,10 @@ The world wants to be deceived. % The world will end in 5 minutes. Please log out. % +The world's as ugly as sin, +And almost as delightful. + -- Frederick Locker-Lampson +% The world's great men have not commonly been great scholars, nor its great scholars great men. -- Oliver Wendell Holmes @@ -37722,6 +51621,10 @@ They were just the first not to crash. The yankees, son, are up north. The damnyankees are down here. % +The years of peak mental activity are undoubtedly between the ages of +four and eighteen. At four we know all the questions, at eighteen all +the answers. +% The young Georgia miss came to the hospital for a checkup. "Have you been X-rayed?" asked the doctor. "Nope," she said, "but ah've been ultraviolated." @@ -37749,11 +51652,31 @@ and you'd better not refuse. % Them as has, gets. % +Then a man said: Speak to us of Expectations. + +He then said: If a man does not see or hear the waters of the Jordan, +then he should not taste the pomegranate or ply his wares in an open +market. + +If a man would not labour in the salt and rock quarries then he should +not accept of the Earth that which he refuses to give of himself. + +Such a man would expect a pear of a peach tree. +Such a man would expect a stone to lay an egg. +Such a man would expect Sears to assemble a lawnmower. + -- Kehlog Albran, "The Profit" +% Then, gently touching my face, she hesitated for a moment as her incredible eyes poured forth into mine love, joy, pain, tragedy, acceptance, and peace. "'Bye for now," she said warmly. -- Thea Alexander, "2150 A.D." % +Then here's to the City of Boston, +The town of the cries and the groans. +Where the Cabots can't see the Kabotschniks, +And the Lowells won't speak to the Cohns. + -- Franklin Pierce Adams +% Then there was LSD, which was supposed to make you think you could fly. I remember it made you think you couldn't stand up, and mostly it was right. @@ -37857,6 +51780,10 @@ There are few virtues that the Poles do not possess -- and there are few mistakes they have ever avoided. -- Winston Churchill, Parliament, August, 1945 % +There are four kinds of homicide: felonious, excusable, justifiable, +and praiseworthy ... + -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary" +% There are four kinds of homicide: felonious, excusable, justifiable, and praiseworthy... -- Ambrose Bierce @@ -37878,6 +51805,9 @@ and the first communications satellite. Guess which one is going to tell the other how to run the telephone business? I can hardly wait for the results. % +There are many intelligent species in the universe. They all own +cats. +% There are many intelligent species in the universe, and they all own cats. % @@ -37914,8 +51844,13 @@ There are no accidents whatsoever in the universe. There are no answers, only cross-references. -- Weiner % +There are no data that cannot be plotted on a straight line if the axes +are chosen correctly. +% There are no emotional victims, only volunteers. % +There are no games on this system. +% There are no great men, buster. There are only men. -- Elaine Stewart, "The Bad and the Beautiful" % @@ -37926,6 +51861,13 @@ ordinary men are forced by circumstances to meet. There are no manifestos like cannon and musketry. -- The Duke of Wellington % +There are no physicists in the hottest parts of hell, because the +existence of a "hottest part" implies a temperature difference, and any +marginally competent physicist would immediately use this to run a heat +engine and make some other part of hell comfortably cool. This is +obviously impossible. + -- Richard Davisson +% There are no rules for March. March is spring, sort of, usually, March means maybe, but don't bet on it. % @@ -37940,6 +51882,10 @@ There are only two things in this world that I am sure of, death and taxes, and we just might do something about death one of these days. -- shades % +There are people so addicted to exaggeration that they can't tell the +truth without lying. + -- Josh Billings +% There are people who find it odd to eat four or five Chinese meals in a row; in China, I often remind them, there are a billion or so people who find nothing odd about it. @@ -37964,9 +51910,18 @@ I know I'll often stop and think about them In my life I'll love you more. -- Lennon/McCartney, "In My Life", 1965 % +There are really not many jobs that actually require a penis or a +vagina, and all other occupations should be open to everyone. + -- Gloria Steinem +% There are running jobs. Why don't you go chase them? % +"There are some micro-organisms that exhibit characteristics of both +plants and animals. When exposed to light they undergo photosynthesis; +and when the lights go out, they turn into animals. But then again, +don't we all?" +% There are strange things done in the midnight sun By the men who moil for gold; The Arctic trails have their secret tales @@ -37981,13 +51936,42 @@ There are ten or twenty basic truths, and life is the process of discovering them over and over and over. -- David Nichols % +"There are those who claim that magic is like the tide; that it swells +and fades over the surface of the earth, collecting in concentrated +pools here and there, almost disappearing from other spots, leaving +them parched for wonder. There are also those who believe that if you +stick your fingers up your nose and blow, it will increase your +intelligence." + -- The Teachings of Ebenezum, Volume VII +% +There are three kinds of lies: Lies, Damned Lies, and Statistics. + -- Benjamin Disraeli +% There are three kinds of people: men, women, and unix. % +"There are three possibilities: Pioneer's solar panel has turned away +from the sun; there's a large meteor blocking transmission; or someone +loaded Star Trek 3.2 into our video processor." +% There are three possibilities: Pioneer's solar panel has turned away from the sun; there's a large meteor blocking transmission; someone loaded Star Trek 3.2 into our video processor. % +There are three possible parts to a date, of which at least two must be +offered: entertainment, food, and affection. It is customary to begin +a series of dates with a great deal of entertainment, a moderate amount +of food, and the merest suggestion of affection. As the amount of +affection increases, the entertainment can be reduced proportionately. +When the affection IS the entertainment, we no longer call it dating. +Under no circumstances can the food be omitted. + -- Miss Manners' Guide to Excruciatingly Correct Behavior +% +"There are three principal ways to lose money: wine, women, and +engineers. While the first two are more pleasant, the third is by far +the more certain." + -- Baron Rothschild, ca. 1800 +% There are three reasons for becoming a writer: the first is that you need the money; the second that you have something to say that you think the world should know; the third is that you can't think what to do with the @@ -37998,6 +51982,17 @@ There are three rules for writing a novel. Unfortunately, no one knows what they are. -- Maugham % +There are three schools of magic. One: State a tautology, then ring +the changes on its corollaries; that's philosophy. Two: Record many +facts. Try to find a pattern. Then make a wrong guess at the next +fact; that's science. Three: Be aware that you live in a malevolent +Universe controlled by Murphy's Law, sometimes offset by Brewster's +Factor; that's engineering. +% +There are three things I always forget. Names, faces -- the third I +can't remember. + -- Italo Svevo +% There are three things I have always loved and never understood -- art, music, and women. % @@ -38005,6 +52000,14 @@ There are three things men can do with women: love them, suffer for them, or turn them into literature. -- Stephen Stills % +There are three ways to get something done: + (1) Do it yourself. + (2) Hire someone to do it for you. + (3) Forbid your kids to do it. +% +There are times when truth is stranger than fiction and lunch time is +one of them. +% There are twenty-five people left in the world, and twenty-seven of them are hamburgers. -- Ed Sanders @@ -38036,6 +52039,11 @@ And one says, "This is new, and therefore better" There are two kinds of pedestrians... the quick and the dead. -- Lord Thomas Robert Dewar % +There are two kinds of solar-heat systems: "passive" systems collect +the sunlight that hits your home, and "active" systems collect the +sunlight that hits your neighbors' homes, too. + -- Dave Barry, "Postpetroleum Guzzler" +% There are two major products that come out of Berkeley: LSD and UNIX. We don't believe this to be a coincidence. -- Jeremy S. Anderson @@ -38046,11 +52054,31 @@ like you are going to die and you're afraid that you won't. There are two times when a man doesn't understand a woman -- before marriage and after marriage. % +There are two types of people in this world, good and bad. The good +sleep better, but the bad seem to enjoy the waking hours much more. + -- Woody Allen +% +"There are two ways of constructing a software design: One way is to +make it so simple that there are obviously no deficiencies, and the +other way is to make it so complicated that there are no obvious +deficiencies." + -- C. A. R. Hoare +% There are two ways of disliking art. One is to dislike it. The other is to like it rationally. -- Oscar Wilde % +"There are two ways of disliking poetry; one way is to dislike it, the +other is to read Pope." + -- Oscar Wilde +% +There are two ways to write error-free programs. Only the third one +works. +% +There are very few personal problems that cannot be solved through a +suitable application of high explosives. +% There are worse things in life than death. Have you ever spent an evening with an insurance salesman? -- Woody Allen @@ -38067,6 +52095,12 @@ There but for the grace of God, goes God. There can be no daily democracy without daily citizenship. -- Ralph Nader % +There can be no twisted thought without a twisted molecule. + -- R. W. Gerard +% +There cannot be a crisis next week. My schedule is already full. + -- Henry Kissinger +% There comes a time in the affairs of a man when he has to take the bull by the tail and face the situation. -- W. C. Fields @@ -38074,6 +52108,10 @@ has to take the bull by the tail and face the situation. There comes a time to stop being angry. -- A Small Circle of Friends % +There exist tasks which cannot be done by more than 10 men or fewer +than 100. + -- Steele's Law +% There goes the good time that was had by all. -- Bette Davis, remarking on a passing starlet % @@ -38099,6 +52137,9 @@ was the result of a long debate, spread over several meetings.) There has been a little distress selling on the stock exchange. -- Thomas W. Lamont, October 29, 1929 % +There has been an alarming increase in the number of things you know +nothing about. +% There is a 20% chance of tomorrow. % There is a building with four floors. On the first floor, there @@ -38115,6 +52156,10 @@ is, if not an antidote, at least an alleviation. If you are in a fit of the blues, go nowhere else. -- Robert Louis Stevenson, "Immortelles" % +There is a certain impertinence in allowing oneself to be burned for an +opinion. + -- Anatole France +% There is a fly on your nose. % There is a good deal of solemn cant about the common interests of capital @@ -38122,15 +52167,34 @@ and labour. As matters stand, their only common interest is that of cutting each other's throat. -- Brooks Atkinson, "Once Around the Sun" % +There is a great discovery still to be made in Literature: that of +paying literary men by the quantity they do NOT write. +% +There is a green, multi-legged creature crawling on your shoulder. +% There is a limit to the admiration we may hold for a man who spends his waking hours poking the contents of chickens with a stick. -- Tom Robbins, "Jitterbug Perfume" % +There is a Massachusetts law requiring all dogs to have their hind legs +tied during the month of April. +% +There is a natural hootchy-kootchy to a goldfish. + -- Walt Disney +% There is a new anti-communist organization that advocates the use of wooden toilet seats. It's called the Birch John Society. % +There is a theory which states that if ever anyone discovers exactly +what the Universe is for and why it is here, it will instantly +disappear and be replaced by something even more bizarre and +inexplicable. + +There is another theory which states that this has already happened. + -- Douglas Adams, "The Restaurant at the End of the Universe" +% There is a time in the tides of men, Which, taken at its flood, leads on to success. On the other hand, don't count on it. @@ -38173,6 +52237,10 @@ most wonderful have been, and are being, evolved. There is hardly a thing in the world that some man can not make a little worse and sell a little cheaper. % +"There is hopeful symbolism in the fact that flags do not wave in a +vacuum." + -- Arthur C. Clarke +% There is in certain living souls A quality of loneliness unspeakable, So great it must be shared @@ -38189,6 +52257,8 @@ on his own account. The thing, indeed, is not only conceivable; it is even highly probable. -- H. L. Mencken, 1930 % +There *__is* intelligent life on Earth, but I leave for Texas on Monday. +% There is is no reason for any individual to have a computer in their home. -- Ken Olsen (President of Digital Equipment Corporation), Convention of the World Future Society, in Boston, 1977 @@ -38254,6 +52324,9 @@ As long as it is somebody else's. % There is no distinction between any AI program and some existent game. % +There is no distinctly native American criminal class except Congress. + -- Mark Twain +% There is no doubt that my lawyer is honest. For example, when he filed his income tax return last year, he declared half of his salary as "unearned income." @@ -38302,11 +52375,25 @@ That no longer exists. There is no proverb that is not true. -- Cervantes % +There is no realizable power that man cannot, in time, fashion the +tools to attain, nor any power so secure that the naked ape will not +abuse it. So it is written in the genetic cards -- only physics and +war hold him in check. And also the wife who wants him home by five, +of course. + -- Encyclopedia Apocryphia, 1990 ed. +% +There is no reason for any individual to have a computer in their home. + -- Ken Olsen, President of DEC, World Future Society + Convention, 1977 +% There is no royal road to geometry. -- Euclid % There is no sadder sight than a young pessimist. % +There is no satisfaction in hanging a man who does not object to it. + -- George Bernard Shaw +% There is no security on this earth. There is only opportunity. -- General Douglas MacArthur % @@ -38318,6 +52405,8 @@ There is no sincerer love than the love of food. % There is no statute of limitations on stupidity. % +There is no substitute for good manners, except, perhaps, fast reflexes. +% There *is* no such thing as a civil engineer. % There is no such thing as a free lunch. @@ -38328,6 +52417,8 @@ There is no such thing as an ugly woman -- there are only the ones who do not know how to make themselves attractive. -- Christian Dior % +There is no such thing as fortune. Try again. +% There is no such thing as inner peace. There is only nervousness or death. Any attempt to prove otherwise constitutes unacceptable behaviour. -- Fran Lebowitz, "Metropolitan Life" @@ -38335,6 +52426,14 @@ Any attempt to prove otherwise constitutes unacceptable behaviour. There is no such thing as pure pleasure; some anxiety always goes with it. % +There is no time like the pleasant. +% +There is no time like the present for postponing what you ought to be +doing. +% +There is no TRUTH. There is no REALITY. There is no CONSISTENCY. +There are no ABSOLUTE STATEMENTS. I'm very probably wrong. +% There is not a man in the country that can't make a living for himself and family. But he can't make a living for them *and* his government, too, the way his government is living. What the government has got to do is @@ -38364,8 +52463,19 @@ when you do it reluctantly. There is nothing stranger in a strange land than the stranger who comes to visit. % +"There is nothing which cannot be answered by means of my doctrine," +said a monk, coming into a teahouse where Nasrudin sat. "And yet just +a short time ago, I was challenged by a scholar with an unanswerable +question," said Nasrudin. "I could have answered it if I had been +there." "Very well. He asked, 'Why are you breaking into my house in +the middle of the night?'" +% There is nothing wrong with abstinence, in moderation. % +There is nothing wrong with Southern California that a rise in the +ocean level wouldn't cure. + -- Ross MacDonald +% There is nothing wrong with writing ... as long as it is done in private and you wash your hands afterward. % @@ -38377,6 +52487,10 @@ There is one way to find out if a man is honest -- ask him. If he says "Yes" you know he is crooked. -- Groucho Marx % +There is only one thing in the world worse than being talked about, and +that is not being talked about. + -- Oscar Wilde +% There is only one way to be happy by means of the heart -- to have none. -- Paul Bourget % @@ -38398,6 +52512,10 @@ it would be amusing to know, could we have it authentically communicated. There is plenty of time before progress goes too far. -- Poul Henningsen (1894-1967) % +There is something fascinating about science. One gets such wholesale +returns of conjecture out of such a trifling investment of fact. + -- Mark Twain +% There is something in the pang of change More than the heart can bear, Unhappiness remembering happiness. @@ -38421,6 +52539,12 @@ There must be more to life than having everything. There never was a good war or a bad peace. -- Benjamin Franklin % +There once was a girl named Irene +Who lived on distilled kerosene + But she started absorbin' + A new hydrocarbon +And since then has never benzene. +% There once was a king who ruled his country long, wisely, and well. The king had a son whom he hoped would someday rule the land. He also wished in his heart that the son ould be wise and compassionate. One day he said @@ -38444,9 +52568,25 @@ her that the life of my best friend did not lie in the half of the kingdom that I had promised." The king knew that his son would be a great king. % +There once was a member of Mensa +Who was a most excellent fencer. + The sword that he used + Was his -- (line is refused, +And has now been removed by the censor). +% +There once was an old man from Esser, +Who's knowledge grew lesser and lesser. + It at last grew so small, + He knew nothing at all, +And now he's a College Professor. +% There seems no plan because it is all plan. -- C. S. Lewis % +"There was a boy called Eustace Clarence Scrubb, and he almost deserved +it." + -- C. S. Lewis, "The Chronicles of Narnia" +% There was a little girl Who had a little curl Right in the middle of her forehead. @@ -38475,12 +52615,30 @@ to hit through, if he was to open both doors. % There was a phone call for you. % +There was a plane crash over mid-ocean, and only three survivors were +left in the life-raft: the Pope, the President, and Mayor Daley. +Unfortunately, it was a one-man life-raft, and quickly sinking, so they +started debating who should be allowed to stay. + +The Pope pointed out that he was the spiritual leader of millions all +over the world, the President explained that if he died then America +would be stuck with the Vice-President, and so forth. Then Mayor Daley +said, "Look! We're not solving anything like this! The only fair +thing to do is to vote on it." So they did, and Mayor Daley won by 97 +votes. +% There was a writer in 'Life' magazine ... who claimed that rabbits have no memory, which is one of their defensive mechanisms. If they recalled every close shave they had in the course of just an hour life would become insupportable. -- Kurt Vonnegut % +There was a young lady from Hyde +Who ate a green apple and died. + While her lover lamented + The apple fermented +And made cider inside her inside. +% There was a young man from Brazil, And a lady who'd not take the pill, They lay on the sofa, @@ -38497,6 +52655,30 @@ There was a young man from Verdunne. is about some guy named Nero. If anyone has a copy of it, please mail it to "fortune". Ed.] % +There was a young man who said "God, +I find it exceedingly odd, + That the willow oak tree + Continues to be, +When there's no one about in the Quad." + +"Dear Sir, your astonishment's odd, +For I'm always about in the Quad; + And that's why the tree, + Continues to be," +Signed "Yours faithfully, God." +% +There was a young poet named Dan, +Whose poetry never would scan. + When told this was so, + He said, "Yes, I know. +It's because I try to put every possible syllable into that last line that I can." +% +"There was an interesting development in the CBS-Westmoreland trial: +both sides agreed that after the trial, Andy Rooney would be allowed to +talk to the jury for three minutes about little things that annoyed him +during the trial." + -- David Letterman +% There was an old Indian belief that by making love on the hide of their favorite animal, one could guarantee the health and prosperity of the offspring conceived thereupon. And so it goes that one Indian @@ -38536,6 +52718,18 @@ he tells the counterman. you know?" "Because this is a hardware store." % +There were in this country two very large monopolies. The larger of +the two had the following record: the Vietnam War, Watergate, double- +digit inflation, fuel and energy shortages, bankrupt airlines, and the +8-cent postcard. The second was responsible for such things as the +transistor, the solar cell, lasers, synthetic crystals, high fidelity +stereo recording, sound motion pictures, radio astronomy, negative +feedback, magnetic tape, magnetic "bubbles", electronic switching +systems, microwave radio and TV relay systems, information theory, the +first electrical digital computer, and the first communications +satellite. Guess which one got to tell the other how to run the +telephone business? +% There will always be beer cans rolling on the floor of your car when the boss asks for a lift home from office. % @@ -38560,6 +52754,9 @@ Josh Gibson. Only one thing is keeping them out of the big leagues, the pigmentation of their skin. They happen to be colored. -- Shirley Povich, 1941 % +There's a fine line between courage and foolishness. Too bad it's not +a fence. +% There's a lesson that I need to remember When everything is falling apart In life, just like in loving @@ -38574,6 +52771,10 @@ It's gotta come from the heart If you want it to work. -- Kathy Mattea % +There's a long-standing bug relating to the x86 architecture that +allows you to install Windows. + -- Matthew D. Fuller +% There's a lot to be said for not saying a lot. % There's a man deeply in debt, see, and he takes the money he has left @@ -38618,10 +52819,32 @@ There's a whole WORLD in a mud puddle! % There's always free cheese in a mousetrap. % +There's an old proverb that says just about whatever you want it to. +% There's got to be more to life than compile-and-go. % There's just something I don't like about Virginia; the state. % +There's little in taking or giving, + There's little in water or wine: +This living, this living, this living, + Was never a project of mine. +Oh, hard is the struggle, and sparse is + The gain of the one at the top, +For art is a form of catharsis, + And love is a permanent flop, +And work is the province of cattle, + And rest's for a clam in a shell, +So I'm thinking of throwing the battle -- + Would you kindly direct me to hell? + -- Dorothy Parker +% +There's no easy quick way out, we're gonna have to live through our +whole lives, win, lose, or draw. + -- Walt Kelly +% +There's no future in time travel. +% There's no heavier burden than a great potential. % There's no justice in this world. @@ -38631,6 +52854,14 @@ There's no justice in this world. the assassination of Schultz instead) -- Raoul Duke % +There's no point in being grown up if you can't be childish sometimes. + -- Doctor Who +% +There's no real need to do housework -- after four years it doesn't get +any worse. +% +There's no room in the drug world for amateurs. +% There's no saint like a reformed sinner. % There's no sense in being precise when you don't even know @@ -38644,12 +52875,20 @@ There's no such thing as pure pleasure; some anxiety always goes with it. % There's no time like the pleasant. % +There's no trick to being a humorist when you have the whole government +working for you. + -- Will Rogers +% There's no use being precise about something when you don't even know what you're talking about. -- John von Neumann % There's no use in having a dog and doing your own barking. % +"There's nothing in the middle of the road but a yellow stripe and dead +armadillos." + -- Jim Hightower, Texas Agricultural Commissioner +% There's nothing like a girl with a plunging neckline to keep a man on his toes. % @@ -38665,6 +52904,10 @@ There's nothing remarkable about it. All one has to do is hit the right keys at the right time and the instrument plays itself. -- J. S. Bach % +There's nothing so precious as a cafe full of Gap kiddies trying to +work out whether you're really wearing rubber pants. + -- Mike Smith +% There's nothing to writing. All you do is sit at a typewriter and open a vein. -- Red Smith @@ -38676,6 +52919,9 @@ There's nothing worse for your business than extra Santa Clauses smoking in the men's room. -- W. Bossert % +"There's nothing wrong with teenagers that reasoning with them won't +aggravate." +% There's one consolation about matrimony. When you look around you can always see somebody who did worse. -- Warren H. Goldsmith @@ -38684,9 +52930,17 @@ There's one fool at least in every married couple. % There's only one everything. % +There's only one way to have a happy marriage and as soon as I learn +what it is I'll get married again. + -- Clint Eastwood +% There's small choice in rotten apples. -- William Shakespeare, "The Taming of the Shrew" % +There's so much plastic in this culture that vinyl leopard skin is +becoming an endangered synthetic. + -- Lily Tomlin +% There's so much to say but your eyes keep interrupting me. % There's something different about us -- different from people of Europe, @@ -38706,9 +52960,19 @@ These activities have their own rules and methods of concealment which seek to mislead and obscure. -- Dwight D. Eisenhower, 1960 % +"These are DARK TIMES for all mankind's HIGHEST VALUES!" +"These are DARK TIMES for FREEDOM and PROSPERITY!" +"These are GREAT TIMES to put your money on BAD GUY to kick the CRAP +out of MEGATON MAN!" +% +These days the necessities of life cost you about three times what they +used to, and half the time they aren't even fit to drink. +% They also serve who only stand and wait. -- John Milton % +They also surf who only stand on waves. +% They are called computers simply because computation is the only significant job that has so far been given to them. % @@ -38772,6 +53036,9 @@ They have been at a great feast of languages, and stolen the scraps. % They just buzzed and buzzed...buzzed. % +They make a desert and call it peace. + -- Tacitus (55?-120?) +% They say it's the responsibility of the media to look at government -- especially the president -- with a microscope. I don't argue with that, but when they use a proctoscope, it's going too far. @@ -38795,10 +53062,35 @@ and your clothes. But you see that line there moving through the station? I told you I told you I told you I was one of those. -- Leonard Cohen, "First We Take Manhattan" % +They spell it "da Vinci" and pronounce it "da Vinchy". Foreigners +always spell better than they pronounce. + -- Mark Twain +% They spell it Vinci and pronounce it Vinchy. Foreigners always spell better than they pronounce. -- Mark Twain % +"They that can give up essential liberty to obtain a little temporary +safety deserve neither liberty nor safety." + -- Benjamin Franklin, 1759 +% +"They told me I was gullible ... and I believed them!" +% +They told me you had proven it When they discovered our results + About a month before. Their hair began to curl +The proof was valid, more or less Instead of understanding it + But rather less than more. We'd run the thing through PRL. + +He sent them word that we would try Don't tell a soul about all this + To pass where they had failed For it must ever be +And after we were done, to them A secret, kept from all the rest + The new proof would be mailed. Between yourself and me. + +My notion was to start again + Ignoring all they'd done +We quickly turned it into code + To see if it would run. +% They told me you had proven it About a month before. The proof was valid, more or less He sent them word that we would try @@ -38857,6 +53149,12 @@ wise men and a virgin in the whole organization. -- Mayor Vincent J. `Buddy' Cianci, on the ACLU's suit to have a city nativity scene removed. % +They're only trying to make me LOOK paranoid! +% +"They're unfriendly, which is fortunate, really. They'd be difficult +to like." + -- Avon +% Thieves respect property; they merely wish the property to become their property that they may more perfectly respect it. -- G. K. Chesterton, "The Man Who Was Thursday" @@ -38864,6 +53162,8 @@ their property that they may more perfectly respect it. Things are more like they are today than they ever were before. -- Dwight D. Eisenhower % +Things are more like they used to be than they are now. +% Things are not always what they seem. -- Phaedrus % @@ -38874,17 +53174,30 @@ Things fall apart; the centre cannot hold. Things past redress and now with me past care. -- William Shakespeare, "Richard II" % +Things will be bright in P.M. A cop will shine a light in your face. +% Things will get better despite our efforts to improve them. -- Will Rogers % Things worth having are worth cheating for. % +Think big. Pollute the Mississippi. +% +Think honk if you're a telepath. +% Think lucky. If you fall in a pond, check your pockets for fish. -- Darrell Royal % +Think of it! With VLSI we can pack 100 ENIACs in 1 sq. cm.! +% +Think of your family tonight. Try to crawl home after the computer +crashes. +% Think sideways! -- Ed De Bono % +Think twice before speaking, but don't say "think think click click". +% Thinking you know something is a sure way to blind yourself. -- Frank Herbert, "Chapterhouse: Dune" % @@ -38901,6 +53214,11 @@ Thirteen at a table is unlucky only when the hostess has only twelve chops. -- Groucho Marx % +"Thirty days hath Septober, +April, June, and no wonder. +all the rest have peanut butter +except my father who wears red suspenders." +% Thirty white horses on a red hill, First they champ, Then they stamp, @@ -38934,12 +53252,22 @@ This dungeon is owned and operated by Frobazz Magic Co., Ltd. % This file will self-destruct in five minutes. % +This fortune cookie program out of order. For those in desperate need, +please use the program "________randchar". This program generates random +characters, and, given enough time, will undoubtedly come up with +something profound. It will, however, take it no time at all to be +more profound than THIS program has ever been. +% This fortune cookie program out of order. For those in desperate need, please use the program "randchar". This program generates random characters, and, given enough time, will undoubtedly come up with something profound. It will, however, take it no time at all to be more profound than THIS program has ever been. % +This Fortune Examined By INSPECTOR NO. 2-14 +% +This fortune intentionally not included. +% This fortune intentionally says nothing. % This fortune is dedicated to your mother, without whose @@ -38947,6 +53275,10 @@ invaluable assistance last night would never have been possible. % This fortune is encrypted -- get your decoder rings ready! % +This fortune is false. +% +This fortune is inoperative. Please try another. +% This fortune soaks up 47 times its own weight in excess memory. % This fortune was brought to you by the people at Hewlett-Packard. @@ -38963,11 +53295,40 @@ bags! I just won the California lottery!" "I don't care," responds the husband. "just so long as you're out of the house by dinner!" % +"This is a country where people are free to practice their religion, +regardless of race, creed, color, obesity, or number of dangling +keys ..." +% This is a good time to punt work. % +"This is a job for BOB VIOLENCE and SCUM, the INCREDIBLY STUPID MUTANT +DOG." + -- Bob Violence +% +"This is a test of the Emergency Broadcast System. If this had been an +actual emergency, do you really think we'd stick around to tell you?" +% This is a test of the emergency broadcast system. Had there been an actual emergency, then you would no longer be here. % +This is an especially good time for you vacationers who plan to fly, +because the Reagan administration, as part of the same policy under +which it recently sold Yellowstone National Park to Wayne Newton, has +"deregulated" the airline industry. What this means for you, the +consumer, is that the airlines are no longer required to follow any +rules whatsoever. They can show snuff movies. They can charge for +oxygen. They can hire pilots right out of Vending Machine Refill +Person School. They can conserve fuel by ejecting husky passengers +over water. They can ram competing planes in mid-air. These +innovations have resulted in tremendous cost savings which have been +passed along to you, the consumer, in the form of flights with +amazingly low fares, such as $29. Of course, certain restrictions do +apply, the main one being that all these flights take you to Newark, +and you must pay thousands of dollars if you want to fly back out. + -- Dave Barry, "Iowa -- Land of Secure Vacations" +% +This is an unauthorized cybernetic announcement. +% This is Betty Frenel. I don't know who to call but I can't reach my Food-a-holics partner. I'm at Vido's on my second pizza with sausage and mushroom. Jim, come and get me! @@ -38975,9 +53336,19 @@ and mushroom. Jim, come and get me! This is clearly another case of too many mad scientists, and not enough hunchbacks. % +This is for all ill-treated fellows + Unborn and unbegot, +For them to read when they're in trouble + And I am not. + -- A. E. Housman +% This is Jim Rockford. At the tone leave your name and message; I'll get back to you. % +"This is lemma 1.1. We start a new chapter so the numbers all go back +to one." + -- Prof. Seager, C&O 351 +% This is Maria, Liberty Bail Bonds. Your client, Todd Lieman, skipped and his bail is forfeit. That's the pink slip on your '74 Firebird, I believe. Sorry, Jim, bring it on over. @@ -38985,6 +53356,8 @@ Sorry, Jim, bring it on over. This is Marilyn Reed, I wanta talk to you... Is this a machine? I don't talk to machines! [Click] % +This is National Non-Dairy Creamer Week. +% This is NOT a repeat. % This is not the age of pamphleteers. It is the age of the engineers. The @@ -38992,6 +53365,23 @@ spark-gap is mightier than the pen. Democracy will not be salvaged by men who talk fluently, debate forcefully and quote aptly. -- Lancelot Hogben, Science for the Citizen, 1938 % +THIS IS PLEDGE WEEK FOR THE FORTUNE PROGRAM + +If you like the fortune program, why not support it now with your +contribution of a pithy fortune, clean or obscene? We cannot continue +without your support. Less than 14% of all fortune users are +contributors. That means that 86% of you are getting a free ride. We +can't go on like this much longer. Federal cutbacks mean less money +for fortunes, and unless user contributions increase to make up the +difference, the fortune program will have to shut down between midnight +and 8 a.m. Don't let this happen. Mail your fortunes right now to +"fortune". Just type in your favorite pithy saying. Do it now before +you forget. Our target is 300 new fortunes by the end of the week. +Don't miss out. All fortunes will be acknowledged. If you contribute +30 fortunes or more, you will receive a free subscription to "The +Fortune Hunter", our monthly program guide. If you contribute 50 or +more, you will receive a free "Fortune Hunter" coffee mug ... +% This is supposed to be a happy occasion. Let's not BICKER and ARGUE over who killed who! % @@ -39003,9 +53393,37 @@ This is the first age that's paid much attention to the future, which is a little ironic since we may not have one. -- Arthur C. Clarke % +This is the first numerical problem I ever did. It demonstrates the +power of computers: + +Enter lots of data on calorie & nutritive content of foods. Instruct +the thing to maximize a function describing nutritive content, with a +minimum level of each component, for fixed caloric content. The +results are that one should eat each day: + + 1/2 chicken + 1 egg + 1 glass of skim milk + 27 heads of lettuce. + -- Rev. Adrian Melott +% +This is the ____LAST time I take travel suggestions from Ray Bradbury! +% This is the sort of English up with which I will not put. -- Winston Churchill % +This is the story of the bee +Whose sex is very hard to see + +You cannot tell the he from the she +But she can tell, and so can he + +The little bee is never still +She has no time to take the pill + +And that is why, in times like these +There are so many sons of bees. +% This is the theory that Jack built. This is the flaw that lay in the theory that Jack built. This is the palpable verbal haze that hid the flaw that lay in... @@ -39019,6 +53437,8 @@ This is the way the world ends, Not with a bang but with a whimper. -- T. S. Eliot, "The Hollow Men" % +This is your fortune. +% This isn't right. This isn't even wrong. -- Wolfgang Pauli, on a colleague's paper % @@ -39027,22 +53447,47 @@ constant. And then the aside: "For those of you who don't know, that's been called by others the fiddle factor..." -- From a 1B Electrical Engineering lecture % +This land is full of trousers! +this land is full of mausers! + And pussycats to eat them when the sun goes down! + -- The Firesign Theatre +% +This land is made of mountains, +This land is made of mud, +This land has lots of everything, +For me and Elmer Fudd. + +This land has lots of trousers, +This land has lots of mousers, +And pussycats to eat them +When the sun goes down. +% This land is my land, and only my land, I've got a shotgun, and you ain't got one, If you don't get off, I'll blow your head off, This land is private property. -- Apologies to Woody Guthrie % +This life is a test. It is only a test. Had this been an actual life, +you would have received further instructions as to what to do and where +to go. +% This life is yours. Some of it was given to you; the rest, you made yourself. % This login session: $13.99 % +This login session: $13.99, but for you $11.88 +% This must be morning. I never could get the hang of mornings. % This night methinks is but the daylight sick. -- William Shakespeare, "The Merchant of Venice" % +This novel is not to be tossed lightly aside, but to be hurled with +great force. + -- Dorothy Parker +% This one is for all you military types. For those who don't know, Rangers are *extremely* well trained members of the U.S. Army. Marines are people who start out as normal soldiers and then are made to believe that bullets @@ -39067,6 +53512,18 @@ replies, "Sir, it's a... a trap, sir. They're two of them!" This place just isn't big enough for all of us. We've got to find a way off this planet. % +This planet has -- or rather had -- a problem, which was this: most of +the people living on it were unhappy for pretty much of the time. Many +solutions were suggested for this problem, but most of these were +largely concerned with the movements of small green pieces of paper, +which is odd because on the whole it wasn't the small green pieces of +paper that were unhappy. + -- Douglas Adams +% +"This process can check if this value is zero, and if it is, it does +something child-like." + -- Forbes Burkowski, Computer Science 454 +% This process can check if this value is zero, and if it is, it does something child-like. -- Forbes Burkowski, CS, University of Washington @@ -39094,6 +53551,14 @@ strictly prohibited. Restaurant package, not for resale. Objects in mirror are closer than they appear. Decision of judges is final. This supersedes all previous notices. No other warranty expressed or implied. % +This quote is taken from the Diamondback, the University of Maryland +student newspaper, of Tuesday, 3/10/87. + + One disadvantage of the Univac system is that it does not use + Unix, a recently developed program which translates from one + computer language to another and has a built-in editing system + which identifies errors in the original program. +% This sad little lizard told me that he was a brontosaurus on his mother's side. I did not laugh; people who boast of ancestry often have little else to sustain them. Humoring them costs nothing and @@ -39102,6 +53567,9 @@ adds happiness in a world in which happiness is always in short supply. % This screen intentionally left blank. % +This sentence contradicts itself -- no actually it doesn't. + -- Douglas Hofstadter +% This sentence does in fact not have the property it claims not to have. % This sentence no verb. @@ -39134,6 +53602,9 @@ This was terrible with raisins in it. % This week only, all our fiber-fill jackets are marked down! % +This will be a memorable month -- no matter how hard you try to forget +it. +% This yuppie, see, was in a car wreck. His BMW was mangled, and so was he. The paramedic was leaning over him getting his vitals, and all the yup could groan was "My BMW! My BMW!" @@ -39147,6 +53618,9 @@ and was lying about twenty feet away. Those lovable Brits department: They also have trouble pronouncing `vitamin'. % +Those of you who think you know everything are very annoying to those +of us who do. +% Those of you who think you know everything are annoying those of us who do. % @@ -39166,19 +53640,37 @@ Those who believe in astrology are living in houses with foundations of Silly Putty. -- Dennis Rawlins % +Those who can, do. Those who can't, simulate. +% Those who can, do; those who can't, write. Those who can't write work for the Bell Labs Record. % Those who cannot remember the past are condemned to repeat it. -- George Santayana % +Those who can't write, write manuals. +% Those who claim the dead never return to life haven't ever been around here at quitting time. % +Those who do not do politics will be done in by politics. + -- French Proverb +% +Those who do not understand Unix are condemned to reinvent it, poorly. + -- Henry Spencer +% Those who do things in a noble spirit of self-sacrifice are to be avoided at all costs. -- N. Alexander % +Those who educate children well are more to be honored than parents, +for these only gave life, those the art of living well. + -- Aristotle +% +Those who express random thoughts to legislative committees are often +surprised and appalled to find themselves the instigators of law. + -- Mark B. Cohen +% Those who have had no share in the good fortunes of the mighty Often have a share in their misfortunes. -- Bertolt Brecht, "The Caucasian Chalk Circle" @@ -39187,6 +53679,17 @@ Those who have some means think that the most important thing in the world is love. The poor know that it is money. -- Gerald Brenan % +Those who in quarrels interpose, must often wipe a bloody nose. +% +Those who make peaceful revolution impossible +will make violent revolution inevitable. + -- John F. Kennedy +% +Those who profess to favor freedom, and yet deprecate agitation, are +men who want rain without thunder and lightning. They want the ocean +without the roar of its many waters. + -- Frederick Douglass +% Those who sweat in flames of hell, Leaden eared, some thought their bowels Here's the reason that they fell: Lispeth forth the sweetest vowels. While on earth they prayed in SAS, These they offered up in praise @@ -39234,6 +53737,14 @@ Make a little birdhouse in your soul % Thrashing is just virtual crashing. % +Three great scientific theories of the structure of the universe are +the molecular, the corpuscular and the atomic. A fourth affirms, with +Haeckel, the condensation or precipitation of matter from ether -- +whose existence is proved by the condensation or precipitation ... A +fifth theory is held by idiots, but it is doubtful if they know any +more about the matter than the others. + -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary" +% Three hours a day will produce as much as a man ought to write. -- Trollope % @@ -39385,6 +53896,8 @@ Time as he grows old teaches all things. % Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana. % +Time flies like an arrow, but fruit flies like a banana. +% Time goes, you say? Ah no! Time stays, *we* go. @@ -39393,11 +53906,17 @@ Time stays, *we* go. Time is a great teacher, but unfortunately it kills all its pupils. -- Hector Berlioz % +Time is an illusion; lunchtime, doubly so. + -- Ford Prefect +% Time is an illusion perpetrated by the manufacturers of space. % Time is but the stream I go a-fishing in. -- Henry David Thoreau % +Time is nature's way of making sure that everything doesn't happen at +once. +% Time is nature's way of making sure that everything doesn't happen at once. @@ -39479,6 +53998,11 @@ Tis man's perdition to be safe, when for the truth he ought to die. 'Tis more blessed to give than receive; for example, wedding presents. -- H. L. Mencken % +'Tis the dream of each programmer, +Before his life is done, +To write three lines of APL, +And make the damn things run. +% To a Californian, a person must prove himself criminally insane before he is allowed to drive a taxi in New York. For New York cabbies, honesty and stopping at red lights are both optional. @@ -39546,6 +54070,8 @@ a sheer physical impossibility for such a man to live in the United States and not be happy. -- H. L. Mencken, "On Being An American" % +To be intoxicated is to feel sophisticated but not be able to say it. +% To be is to be related. -- C. J. Keyser % @@ -39560,6 +54086,13 @@ Do be do be do! Yabba-Dabba-Doo! -- F. Flintstone % +To be is to do. + -- I. Kant +To do is to be. + -- A. Sartre +Yabba-Dabba-Doo! + -- F. Flintstone +% To be loved is very demoralizing. -- Katharine Hepburn % @@ -39591,12 +54124,20 @@ To be patriotic, hate all nations but your own; to be religious, all sects but your own; to be moral, all pretences but your own. -- Lionel Strachey % +"To be responsive at this time, though I will simply say, and therefore +this is a repeat of what I said previously, that which I am unable to +offer in response is based on information available to make no such +statement." +% To be successful, a woman has to be much better at her job than a man. -- Golda Meir % To be successful, a woman must do her job ten times as well as a man. Fortunately, this is not difficult. % +To be sure of hitting the target, shoot first and, whatever you hit, +call it the target. +% To be trusted is a greater compliment than to be loved. % To be who one is, is not to be someone else. @@ -39650,6 +54191,10 @@ To doubt everything or to believe everything are two equally convenient solutions; both dispense with the necessity of reflection. -- H. Poincare % +To envision how a 4-processor system running [SunOS] 4.1.x works, think +of four kids and one bathroom. + -- John DiMarco +% To err is human -- but it feels divine. -- Mae West % @@ -39664,15 +54209,21 @@ before the pencil, you're overdoing it a little. % To err is human; to admit it, a blunder. % +To err is human, to forgive, beyond the scope of the Operating System. +% To err is human, to forgive, infrequent. % To err is human, to forgive is against company policy. % +To err is human, to forgive is Not Company Policy. +% To err is human; to forgive is simply not our policy. -- MIT Assassination Club % To err is human, to forgive unusual. % +To err is human, to moo bovine. +% To err is human, to purr feline. To err is human, two curs canine. To err is human, to moo bovine. @@ -39689,6 +54240,9 @@ To purr feline. % To err is humor. % +To every Ph.D. there is an equal and opposite Ph.D. + -- B. Duggan +% To everything there is a season, a time for every purpose under heaven: A time to be born, and a time to die; A time to plant, and a time to pluck what is planted; @@ -39716,11 +54270,17 @@ To find a friend one must close one eye; to keep him -- two. To find out a girl's faults, praise her to her girl friends. -- Benjamin Franklin % +To generalize is to be an idiot. + -- William Blake +% To get back on your feet, miss two car payments. % To get something clean, one has to get something dirty. To get something dirty, one does not have to get anything clean. % +To get something done, a committee should consist of no more than three +men, two of them absent. +% To give happiness is to deserve happiness. % To give of yourself, you must first know yourself. @@ -39731,6 +54291,12 @@ To have died once is enough. To hell with the Prime Directive; Let's KILL something! % +To invent, you need a good imagination and a pile of junk. + -- Thomas Edison +% +To iterate is human, to recurse, divine. + -- Robert Heller +% To jaw-jaw is better than to war-war. -- Winston Churchill, on Korean War negotiations % @@ -39820,8 +54386,13 @@ To teach is to learn. To teach is to learn twice. -- Joseph Joubert % +To the best of my recollection, Senator, I can't recall. +% To the landlord belongs the doorknobs. % +To the systems programmer, users and applications serve only to provide +a test load. +% To Theodore Roosevelt: You are like the Wind and I like the Lion. You form the Tempest. The sand stings my eyes and the Ground is parched. I roar in defiance but @@ -39839,6 +54410,16 @@ To think contrary to one's era is heroism. But to speak against it is madness. -- Eugene Ionesco % +To those accustomed to the precise, structured methods of conventional +system development, exploratory development techniques may seem messy, +inelegant, and unsatisfying. But it's a question of congruence: +precision and flexibility may be just as dysfunctional in novel, +uncertain situations as sloppiness and vacillation are in familiar, +well-defined ones. Those who admire the massive, rigid bone structures +of dinosaurs should remember that jellyfish still enjoy their very +secure ecological niche. + -- Beau Sheil, "Power Tools for Programmers" +% TO THOSE OF YOU WHO DESIRE IT, I GRANT YOU MADRAK'S BLESSING: Insofar as I may be heard by anything, which may or may not care @@ -39861,9 +54442,30 @@ To understand a program you must become both the machine and the program. To understand the heart and mind of a person, look not at what he has already achieved, but at what he aspires to do. % +To understand this important story, you have to understand how the +telephone company works. Your telephone is connected to a local +computer, which is in turn connected to a regional computer, which is +in turn connected to a loudspeaker the size of a garbage truck on the +lawn of Edna A. Bargewater of Lawrence, Kan. + +Whenever you talk on the phone, your local computer listens in. If it +suspects you're going to discuss an intimate topic, it notifies the +computer above it, which listens in and decides whether to alert the +one above it, until finally, if you really humiliate yourself, maybe +break down in tears and tell your closest friend about a sordid +incident from your past involving a seedy motel, a neighbor's spouse, +an entire religious order, a garden hose and six quarts of tapioca +pudding, the top computer feeds your conversation into Edna's +loudspeaker, and she and her friends come out on the porch to listen +and drink gin and laugh themselves silly. + -- Dave Barry, "Won't It Be Just Great Owning Our Own + Phones?" +% To use violence is to already be defeated. -- Chinese proverb % +"To vacillate or not to vacillate, that is the question ... or is it?" +% To whom the mornings are like nights, What must the midnights be! -- Emily Dickinson (on hacking?) @@ -39883,6 +54485,9 @@ and choose more docile words to take its part. A well-trained sonnet lives to entertain, by making love directly to the brain. % +"To YOU I'm an atheist; to God, I'm the Loyal Opposition." + -- Woody Allen +% Tobacco is a filthy weed, That from the devil does proceed; It drains your purse, it burns your clothes, @@ -39895,26 +54500,57 @@ TODAY: Today is a good day for information-gathering. Read someone else's mail file. % +Today is a good day to bribe a high-ranking public official. +% +Today is National Existential Ennui Awareness Day. +% +Today is the first day of the rest of the mess. +% Today is the first day of the rest of your life. % +Today is the first day of the rest of your lossage. +% Today is the last day of your life so far. % +Today is the tomorrow you worried about yesterday. +% Today is what happened to yesterday. % +"Today, of course, it is considered very poor taste to use the F-word +except in major motion pictures." + -- Dave Barry, "$#$%#^%!^%&@%@!" +% Today when a man gets married he gets a home, a housekeeper, a cook, a cheering squad and another paycheck. When a woman marries, she gets a boarder. % Today you'll start getting heavy metal radio on your dentures. % +Today's scientific question is: What in the world is electricity? + +And where does it go after it leaves the toaster? + -- Dave Barry, "What is Electricity?" +% +"Today's thrilling story has been brought to you by Mushies, the great new +cereal that gets soggy even without milk or cream. Join us soon for more +spectacular adventure starring ... Tippy, the Wonder Dog." + -- Bob & Ray +% Today's weirdness is tomorrow's reason why. -- Hunter S. Thompson % Toddlers are the stormtroopers of the Lord of Entropy. % +Toilet Toup'ee, n.: + Any shag carpet that causes the lid to become top-heavy, thus +creating endless annoyance to male users. + -- Rich Hall, "Sniglets" +% Tomorrow, this will be part of the unchangeable past but fortunately, it can still be changed today. % +Tomorrow will be canceled due to lack of interest. +% Tomorrow will be cancelled due to lack of interest. % Tomorrow, you can be anywhere. @@ -39927,6 +54563,8 @@ Tom's hungry, time to eat lunch. Tonight you will pay the wages of sin; Don't forget to leave a tip. % +Tonight's the night: Sleep in a eucalyptus tree. +% Toni's Solution to a Guilt-Free Life: If you have to lie to someone, it's their fault. % @@ -39938,6 +54576,9 @@ TOO BAD YOU CAN'T BUY a voodoo globe so that you could make the earth spin real fast and freak everybody out. -- Jack Handey, "The New Mexican", 1988. % +Too clever is dumb. + -- Ogden Nash +% Too cool to calypso, Too tough to tango, Too weird to watusi @@ -39959,6 +54600,16 @@ Too much is just enough. % Too much is not enough. % +Too much of a good thing is WONDERFUL. + -- Mae West +% +Too much of everything is just enough. + -- Bob Wier +% +Too often I find that the volume of paper expands to fill the available +briefcases. + -- Governor Jerry Brown +% Too often people have come to me and said, "If I had just one wish for anything in all the world, I would wish for more user-defined equations in the HP-51820A Waveform Generator Software." @@ -39969,6 +54620,43 @@ Too ripped. Gotta go. % Toothpaste never hurts the taste of good scotch. % +Top 10 things likely to be overheard if you had a Klingon Programmer: + +10) Specifications are for the weak and timid! + 9) You question the worthiness of my code? I should kill you where you stand! + 8) Indentation?! - I will show you how to indent when I indent your skull! + 7) What is this talk of 'release'? Klingons do not make software 'releases'. + Our software 'escapes' leaving a bloody trail of designers and quality + assurance people in its wake. + 6) Klingon function calls do not have 'parameters' - they have 'arguments' + - and they ALWAYS WIN THEM. + 5) Debugging? Klingons do not debug. Our software does not coddle the weak. + 4) A TRUE Klingon Warrior does not comment his code! + 3) Klingon software does NOT have BUGS. It has FEATURES, and those features + are too sophisticated for a Romulan pig like you to understand. + 2) You cannot truly appreciate Dilbert unless you've read it in the + original Klingon. + 1) Our users will know fear and cower before our software! Ship it! + Ship it and let them flee like the dogs they are! +% +Top scientists agree that with the present rate of consumption, the +earth's supply of gravity will be exhausted before the 24th century. +As man struggles to discover cheaper alternatives, we need your help. +Please... + + CONSERVE GRAVITY + +Follow these simple suggestions: + +(1) Walk with a light step. Carry helium balloons if possible. +(2) Use tape, magnets, or glue instead of paperweights. +(3) Give up skiing and skydiving for more horizontal sports like + curling. +(4) Avoid showers ... take baths instead. +(5) Don't hang all your clothes in the closet ... Keep them in one big + pile. +(6) Stop flipping pancakes +% Top Ten Things Overheard At The ANSI C Draft Committee Meetings: 10: Sorry, but that's too useful. @@ -40036,6 +54724,8 @@ Trap full -- please empty. TRAVEL: Something that makes you feel like you're getting somewhere. % +Travel important today; Internal Revenue men arrive tomorrow. +% Traveling through hyperspace isn't like dusting crops, boy. -- Han Solo % @@ -40063,6 +54753,9 @@ Trouble strikes in series of threes, but when working around the house the next job after a series of three is not the fourth job -- it's the start of a brand new series of three. % +Troubled day for virgins over 16 who are beautiful, wealthy, and live +in eucalyptus trees. +% Troubled day for virgins over 16 who are beautiful and wealthy and live in eucalyptus trees. % @@ -40078,6 +54771,10 @@ True to our past we work with an inherited, observed, and accepted vision of personal futility, and of the beauty of the world. -- David Mamet % +Truly great madness can not be achieved without significant +intelligence. + -- Henrik Tikkanen +% Truly simple systems... require infinite testing. -- Norman Augustine % @@ -40108,14 +54805,26 @@ Truth is hard to find and harder to obscure. % "Truth is stranger than fiction, because fiction has to make sense." % +Truth is the most valuable thing we have -- so let us economize it. + -- Mark Twain +% Truth never comes into the world but like a bastard, to the ignominy of him that brought her birth. -- Milton % +Truth will be out this morning. (Which may really mess things up.) +% Truth will out this morning. (Which may really mess things up.) % +Truthful, adj.: + Dumb and illiterate. + -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary" +% try again % +Try not to have a good time ... This is supposed to be educational. + -- Charles Schulz +% Try not. Do. Or do not. @@ -40125,8 +54834,20 @@ Try `stty 0' -- it works much better. % Try the Moo Shu Pork. It is especially good today. % +Try to be the best of whatever you are, even if what you are is no good. +% Try to divide your time evenly to keep others happy. % +Try to find the real tense of the report you are reading: Was it done, +is it being done, or is something to be done? Reports are now written +in four tenses: past tense, present tense, future tense, and +pretense. Watch for novel uses of CONGRAM (CONtractor GRAMmer), +defined by the imperfect past, the insufficient present, and the +absolutely perfect future. + -- Amrom Katz +% +Try to get all of your posthumous medals in advance. +% Try to have as good a life as you can under the circumstances. % Try to relax and enjoy the crisis. @@ -40134,6 +54855,14 @@ Try to relax and enjoy the crisis. % Try to value useful qualities in one who loves you. % +Trying to be happy is like trying to build a machine for which the only +specification is that it should run noiselessly. +% +Trying to define yourself is like trying to bite your own teeth. + -- Alan Watts +% +Trying to establish voice contact ... please ____yell into keyboard. +% Trying to get an education here is like trying to take a drink from a fire hose. % @@ -40150,6 +54879,16 @@ Turn on, tune in, and take over. Turn the other cheek. -- Jesus Christ % +Turnaucka's Law: + The attention span of a computer is only as long as its +electrical cord. +% +Tussman's Law: + Nothing is as inevitable as a mistake whose time has come. +% +TV is chewing gum for the eyes. + -- Frank Lloyd Wright +% 'Twas a woman who drove me to drink, and I never even had the decency to thank her. -- R. B. Gossling @@ -40240,6 +54979,16 @@ All flimsy were the Dow Jones stokers And mammon's wrath them bash! -- Peter Stucki, "Jabberstocky" % +'Twas midnight, and the UNIX hacks +Did gyre and gimble in their cave +All mimsy was the CS-VAX +And Cory raths outgrave. + +"Beware the software rot, my son! +The faults that bite, the jobs that thrash! +Beware the broken pipe, and shun +The frumious system crash!" +% 'Twas midnight on the ocean, Her children all were orphans, Not a streetcar was in sight, Except one a tiny tot, So I stepped into a cigar store Who had a home across the way @@ -40283,6 +55032,22 @@ The system thought Santa a Red missile sent. So kids dry your tears now, and get off to bed, There won't be a Christmas -- since Santa is dead. % +'Twas the nocturnal segment of the diurnal period + preceding the annual Yuletide celebration, And + throughout our place of residence, +Kinetic activity was not in evidence among the + possessors of this potential, including that + species of domestic rodent known as Mus musculus. +Hosiery was meticulously suspended from the forward + edge of the woodburning caloric apparatus, +Pursuant to our anticipatory pleasure regarding an + imminent visitation from an eccentric + philanthropist among whose folkloric appelations + is the honorific title of St. Nicklaus ... +% +Twenty Percent of Zero is Better than Nothing. + -- Walt Kelly +% Twenty two thousand days. Twenty two thousand days. It's not a lot. @@ -40312,6 +55077,9 @@ battleship, change course 20 degrees." We changed course. -- The Naval Institute's "Proceedings" % +Two can Live as Cheaply as One for Half as Long. + -- Howard Kandel +% Two cars in every pot and a chicken in every garage. % Two Finns and a penguin are sitting on the front porch of a large house. The @@ -40362,6 +55130,16 @@ You're lost!" "For three reasons. First, he took a long time to answer, second, he was absolutely correct, and, third, his answer was absolutely useless." % +Two men came before Nasrudin when he was magistrate. The first man +said, "This man has bitten my ear -- I demand compensation." The +second man said, "He bit it himself." Nasrudin withdrew to his +chambers, and spent an hour trying to bite his own ear. He succeeded +only in falling over and bruising his forehead. Returning to the +courtroom, Nasrudin pronounced, "Examine the man whose ear was bitten. +If his forehead is bruised, he did it himself and the case is +dismissed. If his forehead is not bruised, the other man did it and +must pay three silver pieces." +% Two men look out through the same bars; one sees mud, and one the stars. % Two men were sitting over coffee, contemplating the nature of things, @@ -40375,6 +55153,8 @@ dry side. % Two peanuts were walking through the New York. One was assaulted. % +Two percent of zero is almost nothing. +% Two rights don't make a wrong, they make an airplane. % Two Russian friends happen to meet in Red Square. One of them says, "By @@ -40384,6 +55164,9 @@ the way, did you hear that Romanov died?" Two sure ways to tell a REALLY sexy man; the first is, he has a bad memory. I forget the second. % +"Two sure ways to tell a sexy male; the first is, he has a bad memory. +I forget the second." +% Two Swedish guys get of a ship and head for the nearest bars. Each one orders two vodkas and immediately downs them. They they order two more and once again quickly throw them back. They then order two more. When @@ -40398,6 +55181,8 @@ Two wrongs are only the beginning. Two wrongs don't make a right, but they make a good excuse. -- Thomas Szasz % +Two wrongs don't make a right, but three lefts do. +% Tyger, Tyger, burning bright Where the hammer? Where the chain? In the forests of the night, In what furnace was thy brain? What immortal hand or eye What the anvil? What dread grasp @@ -40422,10 +55207,23 @@ Were thy eyes of fury roll'd? % Type louder, please. % +U: There's a U -- a Unicorn! + Run right up and rub its horn. + Look at all those points you're losing! + UMBER HULKS are so confusing. + -- The Roguelet's ABC +% +"Ubi non accusator, ibi non judex." + +(Where there is no police, there is no speed limit.) + -- Roman Law, trans. Petr Beckmann (1971) +% Udall's Fourth Law: Any change or reform you make is going to have consequences you don't like. % +UFO's are for real: the Air Force doesn't exist. +% Uh-oh -- I've let the cat out of the bag. Let me, then, straightforwardly state the thesis I shall now elaborate: Making variations on a theme is really the crux of creativity. @@ -40441,9 +55239,23 @@ leaves. He drifts lazily through the soft foliage. Soon he starts coughing and drops dead. -- Woody Allen, "Without Feathers" % +"Uncle Cosmo ... why do they call this a word processor?" + +"It's simple, Skyler ... you've seen what food processors do to food, +right?" + -- MacNelley, "Shoe" +% Uncle Cosmo, why do they call this a word processor? It's simple, Skyler. You've seen what food processors do to food, right? % +Uncle Ed's Rule of Thumb: + Never use your thumb for a rule. You'll either hit it with a +hammer or get a splinter in it. +% +Under a government which imprisons any unjustly, the true place for a +just man is also in prison. + -- Henry David Thoreau +% Under any conditions, anywhere, whatever you are doing, there is some ordinance under which you can be booked. -- Robert D. Sprecht, Rand Corp. @@ -40452,6 +55264,9 @@ Under capitalism, man exploits man. Under communism, it's just the opposite. -- J. K. Galbraith % +Under deadline pressure for the next week. If you want something, it +can wait. Unless it's blind screaming paroxysmally hedonistic ... +% Under every stone lurks a politician. -- Aristophanes % @@ -40474,6 +55289,9 @@ These be the words that tell the way: Brought down the machine for nearly a day, And Rogue playing to an awful standstill." % +Underlying Principle of Socio-Genetics: + Superiority is recessive. +% understand, v: To reach a point, in your investigation of some subject, at which you cease to examine what is really present, and operate on the @@ -40483,6 +55301,13 @@ Understanding is always the understanding of a smaller problem in relation to a bigger problem. -- P. D. Ouspensky % +Unfair animal names: + +-- tsetse fly -- bullhead +-- booby -- duck-billed platypus +-- sapsucker -- Clarence + -- Gary Larson +% UNFAIR COMPETITION: Selling cheaper than we do. % @@ -40498,6 +55323,18 @@ Unhappy the land that needs heroes. UNION: A dues-paying club workers wield to strike management. % +United Nations, New York, December 25. The peace and joy of the +Christmas season was marred by a proclamation of a general strike of +all the military forces of the world. Panic reigns in the hearts of +all the patriots of every persuasion. + +Meanwhile, fears of universal disaster sank to an all-time low over the +world. + -- Isaac Asimov +% +Universe, n.: + The problem. +% Universities are places of knowledge. The freshman each bring a little in with them, and the seniors take none away, so knowledge accumulates. % @@ -40505,6 +55342,11 @@ University, n.: Like a software house, except the software's free, and it's usable, and it works, and if it breaks they'll quickly tell you how to fix it, and ... +% +University, n.: + Like a software house, except the software's free, and it's +usable, and it works, and if it breaks they'll quickly tell you how to +fix it, and ... [Okay, okay, I'll leave it in, but I think you're destroying the credibility of the entire fortune program. Ed.] @@ -40547,6 +55389,12 @@ Unix, n: impotent, that now shows a surprising interest in making off with the workstation harem. % +unix soit qui mal y pense +% +UNIX was half a billion (500000000) seconds old on +Tue Nov 5 00:53:20 1985 GMT (measuring since the time(2) epoch). + -- Andrew S. Tanenbaum +% UNIX was not designed to stop you from doing stupid things, because that would also stop you from doing clever things. -- Doug Gwyn @@ -40568,10 +55416,17 @@ time waste me. Unless you love someone, nothing else makes any sense. -- E. E. Cummings % +Unnamed Law: + If it happens, it must be possible. +% Unprovided with original learning, unformed in the habits of thinking, unskilled in the arts of composition, I resolved to write a book. -- Edward Gibbon % +Unquestionably, there is progress. The average American now pays out +twice as much in taxes as he formerly got in wages. + -- H. L. Mencken +% Until Eve arrived, this was a man's world. -- Richard Armour % @@ -40585,6 +55440,8 @@ Flaming spelling errors and raisin' hell... % Usage: fortune -P [-f] -a [xsz] Q: file [rKe9] -v6[+] file1 ... % +Usage: fortune -P [] -a [xsz] [Q: [file]] [rKe9] -v6[+] dataspec ... inputdir +% Use a pun, go to jail. % Use an accordion. Go to jail. @@ -40600,6 +55457,13 @@ more labor and less oratory. % User hostile. % +User, n.: + A programmer who will believe anything you tell him. +% +USER, n.: + The word computer professionals use when they mean "idiot." + -- Dave Barry, "Claw Your Way to the Top" +% user, n: The word computer professionals use when they mean "idiot." -- Dave Barry, "Claw Your Way to the Top" @@ -40607,6 +55471,9 @@ user, n: [I always thought "computer professional" was the phrase hackers used when they meant "idiot." Ed.] % +Using TSO is like kicking a dead whale down the beach. + -- S. C. Johnson +% Using [Windows] for any sort of serious work is like playing an old text-based adventure game. You're five feet from making it to your goal, when bup-POW! a ten ton rock falls on your head. Because you @@ -40623,17 +55490,39 @@ Using words to describe magic is like using a screwdriver to cut roast beef. Usually, when a lot of men get together, it's called a war. -- Mel Brooks, "The Listener" % +Utility is when you have one telephone, luxury is when you have two, +opulence is when you have three -- and paradise is when you have none. + -- Doug Larson +% VACATION: A two-week binge of rest and relaxation so intense that it takes another 50 weeks of your restrained workaday life-style to recuperate. % +Vail's Second Axiom: + The amount of work to be done increases in proportion to the +amount of work already completed. +% +Valerie: Aww, Tom, you're going maudlin on me ... +Tom: I reserve the right to wax maudlin as I wane eloquent ... + -- Tom Chapin +% +Van Roy's Law: + An unbreakable toy is useful for breaking other toys. +% Van Roy's Law: Honesty is the best policy - there's less competition. Van Roy's Truism: Life is a whole series of circumstances beyond your control. % +Vanilla, adj.: + Ordinary flavor, standard. See FLAVOR. When used of food, +very often does not mean that the food is flavored with vanilla +extract! For example, "vanilla-flavored won ton soup" (or simply +"vanilla won ton soup") means ordinary won ton soup, as opposed to hot +and sour won ton soup. +% Variables don't; constants aren't. % Vax Vobiscum @@ -40646,6 +55535,14 @@ Mushrooms are what grows on vegetables when food's done with them. % Vegetarians beware! You are what you eat. % +Velilind's Laws of Experimentation: + (1) If reproducibility may be a problem, conduct the test only + once. + (2) If a straight line fit is required, obtain only two data + points. +% +Veni, Vidi, Visa. +% Veni, Vidi, VISA: I came, I saw, I did a little shopping. % @@ -40659,6 +55556,8 @@ reason is that very few people do anything creative before the age of thirty-five. -- Joel Hildebrand % +Very few profundities can be expressed in less than 80 characters. +% Very few things actually get manufactured these days, because in an infinitely large Universe, such as the one in which we live, most things one could possibly imagine, and a lot of things one would rather not, grow @@ -40708,6 +55607,10 @@ Hagar's note: The first definition is much preferred; the second is used only by malcontents, the envious, and disgruntled owners of waterfront property. % +Vila: "I think I have just made the biggest mistake of my life." +Orac: "It is unlikely. I would predict there are far greater mistakes + waiting to be made by someone with your obvious talent for it." +% Vini, vidi, vici. [I came, I saw, I conquered]. -- Gaius Julius Caesar @@ -40716,6 +55619,9 @@ Violence is a sword that has no handle -- you have to hold the blade. % Violence is molding. % +Violence is the last refuge of the incompetent. + -- Salvor Hardin +% Violence stinks, no matter which end of it you're on. But now and then there's nothing left to do but hit the other person over the head with a frying pan. Sometimes people are just begging for that frypan, and if we @@ -40728,10 +55634,31 @@ VIRGINIA: A group of beautifully mounted hunters galloping behind baying hounds in pursuit of a union organizer. % +Virginia law forbids bathtubs in the house; tubs must be kept in the +yard. +% +VIRGO (Aug 23 - Sept 22) + Learn something new today, like how to spell or how to count to + ten without using your fingers. Be careful dressing this + morning. You may be hit by a car later in the day and you + wouldn't want to be taken to the doctor's office in some of + that old underwear you own. +% +VIRGO (Aug 23 - Sept 22) + You are the logical type and hate disorder. This nitpicking is + sickening to your friends. You are cold and unemotional and + sometimes fall asleep while making love. Virgos make good bus + drivers. +% +"Virtual" means never knowing where your next byte is coming from. +% Virtue does not always demand a heavy sacrifice -- only the willingness to make it when necessary. -- Frederick Dunn % +Virtue is its own punishment. + -- Denniston +% Virtue is not left to stand alone. He who practices it will have neighbors. -- Confucius @@ -40746,6 +55673,13 @@ Visit beautiful Wisconsin Dells. Visits always give pleasure: if not on arrival, then on the departure. -- Edouard Le Berquier, "Pensees des Autres" % +Vital papers will demonstrate their vitality by spontaneously moving +from where you left them to where you can't find them. +% +Vitamin C deficiency is apauling. +% +VMS is like a nightmare about RSX-11M. +% VMS, n: The world's foremost multi-user adventure game. % @@ -40777,20 +55711,36 @@ how to solve problems. One time one of his students tried to get more helpful information by asking if there was another way to solve the problem. Von Neumann looked blank for a moment, thought, and then answered, "Yes.". % +Vote anarchist. +% Vote early and vote often. -- Al Capone's slogan for Big Bill Thompson's anti-reform campaign for Mayor of Chicago, 1926. Big Bill won. % +Vote for ME -- I'm well-tapered, half-cocked, ill-conceived and +TAX-DEFERRED! +% VUJA DE: The feeling that you've *never*, *ever* been in this situation before. % +VYARZERZOMANIMORORSEZASSEZANSERAREORSES? +% Wad some power the giftie gie us To see oursels as others see us. -- R. Browning % +Wagner's music is better than it sounds. + -- Mark Twain +% Wait for that wisest of all counselors, Time. -- Pericles % +Waiter: "Tea or coffee, gentlemen?" +1st customer: "I'll have tea." +2nd customer: "Me, too -- and be sure the glass is clean!" + (Waiter exits, returns) +Waiter: "Two teas. Which one asked for the clean glass?" +% Wake up all you citizens, hear your country's call, Not to arms and violence, But peace for one and all. Crush out hate and prejudice, fear and greed and sin, @@ -40816,6 +55766,8 @@ a capital crime. For a first offense, that is. Walk softly and carry a big stick. -- Theodore Roosevelt % +Walk softly and carry a megawatt laser. +% Walking on water wasn't built in a day. -- Jack Kerouac % @@ -40848,6 +55800,9 @@ So they loaded up the truck and they moved to Beverly -- Hills, that is; % War doesn't prove who's right, just who's left. % +War hath no fury like a non-combatant. + -- Charles Edward Montague +% War is an equal opportunity destroyer. % War is delightful to those who have had no experience of it. @@ -40859,9 +55814,16 @@ War is like love, it always finds a way. War is much too serious a matter to be entrusted to the military. -- Clemenceau % +War is peace. Freedom is slavery. Ketchup is a vegetable. +% War spares not the brave, but the cowardly. -- Anacreon % +WARNING: + Reading this fortune can affect the dimensionality of your +mind, change the curvature of your spine, cause the growth of hair on +your palms, and make a difference in the outcome of your favorite war. +% WARNING! This system is subject to breakdowns during periods of critical need! A special circuit in the computer called a "critical detector" senses the @@ -40873,6 +55835,13 @@ entire system to go down. Likewise, attempts to use another terminal may cause it to core dump. (They all belong to the same LAN.) Keep cool and say nice things to the terminal. % +Warning: Do not look directly into laser with remaining eye. +% +Warning: Listening to WXRT on April Fools' Day is not recommended for +those who are slightly disoriented the first few hours after waking +up. + -- Chicago Reader 4/22/83 +% Warning: Trespassers will be shot. Survivors will be shot again. % @@ -40889,6 +55858,8 @@ and say nice things to the machine. Nothing else seems to work. See also: flog(1), tm(1) % +Warp 7 -- It's a law we can live with. +% Was there a time when dancers with their fiddles In children's circuses could stay their troubles? There was a time they could cry over books, @@ -40904,6 +55875,9 @@ Washington, D.C. Wasting your money since 1810. % Washington, D.C: Fifty square miles almost completely surrounded by reality. % +Washington [D.C.] is a city of Southern efficiency and Northern charm. + -- John F. Kennedy +% [Washington, D.C.] is the home of... taste for the people -- the big, the bland and the banal. -- Ada Louise Huxtable @@ -40914,6 +55888,10 @@ knowing the value of everything and the Wirth of nothing? Waste not fresh tears over old griefs. -- Euripides % +Waste not, get your budget cut next year. +% +Wasting time is an important part of living. +% Watch all-night Donna Reed reruns until your mind resembles oatmeal. % Watch your mouth, kid, or you'll find yourself floating home. @@ -40925,6 +55903,10 @@ Water, taken in moderation cannot hurt anybody. Watership Down: You've read the book. You've seen the movie. Now eat the stew! % +Watson's Law: + The reliability of machinery is inversely proportional to the +number and significance of any persons watching it. +% WE: The single most important word in the world. % @@ -40948,6 +55930,11 @@ We all live in a state of ambitious poverty. We all live under the same sky, but we don't all have the same horizon. -- Dr. Konrad Adenauer % +We are all agreed that your theory is crazy. The question which +divides us is whether it is crazy enough to have a chance of being +correct. My own feeling is that it is not crazy enough. + -- Niels Bohr +% We are all born charming, fresh and spontaneous and must be civilized before we are fit to participate in society. -- Judith Martin, "Miss Manners' Guide to Excruciatingly @@ -40960,12 +55947,24 @@ We are all born mad. Some remain so. % We are all dying -- and we're gonna be dead for a long time. % +We are all in the gutter, but some of us are looking at the stars. + -- Oscar Wilde +% We are all so much together and yet we are all dying of loneliness. -- Albert Schweitzer % +We are all worms. But I do believe I am a glowworm. + -- Winston Churchill +% We are anthill men upon an anthill world. -- Ray Bradbury % +We ARE as gods and might as well get good at it. + -- Whole Earth Catalog +% +We are confronted with insurmountable opportunities. + -- Walt Kelly, "Pogo" +% We are drowning in information but starved for knowledge. -- John Naisbitt, "Megatrends" % @@ -40982,6 +55981,12 @@ We are giving instruction to FBI agents in the various Chinese dialects ... to handle present and likely future contingencies. -- J. Hoover % +We are going to give a little something, a few little years more, to +socialism, because socialism is defunct. It dies all by itself. The +bad thing is that socialism, being a victim of its ... Did I say +socialism? + -- Fidel Castro +% We are going to have peace even if we have to fight for it. -- Dwight D. Eisenhower % @@ -40999,6 +56004,10 @@ We are not loved by our friends for what we are; rather, we are loved in spite of what we are. -- Victor Hugo % +"We are on the verge: Today our program proved Fermat's next-to-last +theorem." + -- Epigrams in Programming, ACM SIGPLAN Sept. 1982 +% We are preparing to think about contemplating preliminary work on plans to develop a schedule for producing the 10th Edition of the Unix Programmers Manual. @@ -41030,11 +56039,16 @@ We are unavoidably drawn towards conservatism and death. The order is not insignificant. -- Poul Henningsen (1894-1967) % +"We are upping our standards ... so up yours." + -- Pat Paulsen for President, 1988 +% We are what we are. % We are what we pretend to be. -- Kurt Vonnegut Jr. % +We can defeat gravity. The problem is the paperwork involved. +% We can embody the truth, but we cannot know it. -- Yates % @@ -41048,6 +56062,10 @@ We cannot command nature except by obeying her. We cannot do everything at once, but we can do something at once. -- Calvin Coolidge % +We cannot put the face of a person on a stamp unless said person is +deceased. My suggestion, therefore, is that you drop dead. + -- James E. Day, Postmaster General +% We could do that, but it would be wrong, that's for sure. -- Richard Nixon % @@ -41062,9 +56080,14 @@ into the mysteries and marvelous simplicities of this strange and beautiful Universe, Our home. -- "Gravitation", Misner, Thorne, and Wheeler % +"We demand rigidly defined areas of doubt and uncertainty!" + -- Vroomfondel +% We don't believe in rheumatism and true love until after the first attack. -- Marie Ebner von Eschenbach % +"We don't care. We don't have to. We're the Phone Company." +% We don't care how they do it in New York. % We don't have to protect the environment -- the Second Coming is at hand. @@ -41072,6 +56095,9 @@ We don't have to protect the environment -- the Second Coming is at hand. % We don't know one millionth of one percent about anything. % +We don't know who discovered water, but we're certain it wasn't a +fish. +% We don't know who it was that discovered water, but we're pretty sure that it wasn't a fish. -- Marshall McLuhan @@ -41101,6 +56127,9 @@ We don't really understand it, so we'll give it to the programmers. We don't smoke and we don't chew, and we don't go with girls that do. -- Walter Summers % +We don't understand the software, and sometimes we don't understand the +hardware, but we can *___see* the blinking lights! +% We don't understand the software, and sometimes we don't understand the hardware, but we can *see* the blinking lights! % @@ -41110,6 +56139,9 @@ visitors, that I could have killed any number of them with my geological hammer. -- Charles Darwin % +We gave you an atomic bomb, what do you want, mermaids? + -- I. I. Rabi to the Atomic Energy Commission +% We give advice, but we cannot give the wisdom to profit by it. -- La Rochefoucauld % @@ -41117,6 +56149,12 @@ We gotta get out of this place, If it's the last thing we ever do. -- The Animals % +"We had it tough ... I had to get up at 9 o'clock at night, half an +hour before I went to bed, eat a lump of dry poison, work 29 hours down +mill, and when we came home our Dad would kill us, and dance about on +our grave singing Hallelujah ... + -- Monty Python +% We have a equal opportunity Calculus class -- it's fully integrated. % We have art that we do not die of the truth. @@ -41137,6 +56175,9 @@ redundancy of such grotesque dimensions as to defy rational understanding. We have lingered long enough on the shores of the Cosmic Ocean. -- Carl Sagan % +We have met the enemy, and he is us. + -- Walt Kelly +% We have more to fear from the bungling of the incompetent than from the machinations of the wicked. % @@ -41150,9 +56191,16 @@ our children. We have nowhere else to go... this is all we have. -- Margaret Mead % +We have only two things to worry about: That things will never get +back to normal, and that they already have. +% We have reason to be afraid. This is a terrible place. -- John Berryman % +"We have reason to believe that man first walked upright to free his +hands for masturbation." + -- Lily Tomlin +% We have seen the light at the end of the tunnel, and it's out. % We have the flu. I don't know if this particular strain has an official @@ -41169,6 +56217,23 @@ police would find you. You know the kind of flu I'm talking about. -- Dave Barry % +We have the flu. I don't know if this particular strain has an +official name, but if it does, it must be something like "Martian Death +Flu". You may have had it yourself. The main symptom is that you wish +you had another setting on your electric blanket, up past "HIGH", that +said "ELECTROCUTION". + +Another symptom is that you cease brushing your teeth, because (a) your +teeth hurt, and (b) you lack the strength. Midway through the brushing +process, you'd have to lie down in front of the sink to rest for a +couple of hours, and rivulets of toothpaste foam would dribble sideways +out of your mouth, eventually hardening into crusty little toothpaste +stalagmites that would bond your head permanently to the bathroom +floor, which is how the police would find you. + +You know the kind of flu I'm talking about. + -- Dave Barry, "Molecular Homicide" +% We interrupt this fortune for an important announcement... % We invented a new protocol and called it Kermit, after Kermit the Frog, @@ -41239,6 +56304,14 @@ We may eventually come to realize that chastity is no more a virtue than malnutrition. -- Alex Comfort % +We may hope that machines will eventually compete with men in all +purely intellectual fields. But which are the best ones to start +with? Many people think that a very abstract activity, like the +playing of chess, would be best. It can also be maintained that it is +best to provide the machine with the best sense organs that money can +buy, and then teach it to understand and speak English. + -- Alan M. Turing +% We may not be able to persuade Hindus that Jesus and not Vishnu should govern their spiritual horizon, nor Moslems that Lord Buddha is at the center of their spiritual universe, nor Hebrews that Mohammed is a major prophet, nor @@ -41261,6 +56334,9 @@ of jurisprudence, but rather precedents, objections, appeals, stays, filings and forms, motions and counter-motions, all at $250 an hour. -- Nolo News, summer 1989 % +We may not return the affection of those who like us, but we always +respect their good judgement. +% ...we must be wary of granting too much power to natural selection by viewing all basic capacities of our brain as direct adaptations. I do not doubt that natural selection acted in building our oversized @@ -41299,6 +56375,10 @@ the front is always propaganda and what is said on our side of the front is truth and righteousness, the cause of humanity and a crusade for peace. -- Walter Lippmann % +We must remember the First Amendment which protects any shrill jackass +no matter how self-seeking. + -- F. G. Withington +% We must respect the other fellow's religion, but only in the sense and to the extent that we respect his theory that his wife is beautiful and his children smart. @@ -41308,6 +56388,15 @@ We only acknowledge small faults in order to make it appear that we are free from great ones. -- La Rochefoucauld % +We ought to be very grateful that we have tools. Millions of years ago +people did not have them, and home projects were extremely difficult. +For example, when a primitive person wanted to put up paneling, he had +to drive the little paneling nails into the cave wall with his bare +fist, so generally the paneling wound up getting spattered with +primitive blood, which isn't really all that bad when you consider how +ugly paneling is to begin with. + -- Dave Barry, "The Taming of the Screw" +% We prefer to believe that the absence of inverted commas guarantees the originality of a thought, whereas it may be merely that the utterer has forgotten its source. @@ -41324,6 +56413,9 @@ content with his life, can retire from the world like a satisfied guest. % We read to say that we have read. % +We really don't have any enemies. It's just that some of our best +friends are trying to kill us. +% We secure our friends not by accepting favors but by doing them. -- Thucydides % @@ -41465,6 +56557,22 @@ tend to brand Homo sapiens as the greatest catastrophe since the Cretaceous extinction. -- S. J. Gould % +We will have solar energy as soon as the utility companies solve one +technical problem -- how to run a sunbeam through a meter. +% +We will invent new lullabies, new songs, new acts of love, +we will cry over things we used to laugh & +our new wisdom will bring tears to eyes of gentle +creatures from other planets who were afraid of us till then & +in the end a summer with wild winds & +new friends will be. +% +We wish you a Hare Krishna +We wish you a Hare Krishna +We wish you a Hare Krishna +And a Sun Myung Moon! + -- Maxwell Smart +% WEAPON: An index of the lack of development of a culture. % @@ -41487,6 +56595,10 @@ Weed's Axiom: Weekend, where are you? % Weiler's Law: + Nothing is impossible for the man who doesn't have to do it +himself. +% +Weiler's Law: Nothing is impossible to a person who doesn't have to do the work. % Weinberg, as a young grocery clerk, advised the grocery manager to get @@ -41497,6 +56609,24 @@ question, "NOW what's the least popular vegetable?" Law: Once you eliminate your #1 problem, #2 gets a promotion. -- Gerald Weinberg, "The Secrets of Consulting" % +Weinberg's First Law: + Progress is made on alternate Fridays. +% +Weinberg's Principle: + An expert is a person who avoids the small errors while +sweeping on to the grand fallacy. +% +Weinberg's Second Law: + If builders built buildings the way programmers wrote programs, +then the first woodpecker that came along would destroy civilization. +% +Weiner's Law of Libraries: + There are no answers, only cross references. +% +Welcome thy neighbor into thy fallout shelter. He'll come in handy if +you run out of food. + -- Dean McLaughlin +% Welcome to boggle - do you want instructions? D G G O @@ -41565,6 +56695,13 @@ night. Live, on the Death label. Well begun is half done. -- Aristotle % +"Well," Brahma said, "even after ten thousand explanations, a fool is +no wiser, but an intelligent man requires only two thousand five +hundred." + -- The Mahabharata +% +"We'll cross out that bridge when we come back to it later." +% We'll cross that bridge when we come back to it later. % Well, didja wake up grouchy or did you let her sleep? @@ -41605,6 +56742,20 @@ ask questions of a guest politician, who wins an Amana home freezer if he can get through the entire show without answering a single question. -- Dave Barry % +Well, here it is, 1983, so it won't be long before you start reading a +lot of boring stories about people like Vance Hartke. Hartke is a +governor or mayor or something from one of the flatter states, and the +reason you'll be reading about him is that he's one of the 50 top +contenders for the 1984 Democratic presidential nomination. These men +will spend the next 18 months going around the country engaging in the +most degrading activities imaginable, such as wearing idiot hats and +appearing on "Meet the Press". "Meet the Press" is one of those Sunday +morning public interest shows that the public is not the least bit +interested in. It features a panel of reporters who ask questions of a +guest politician, who wins an Amana home freezer if he can get through +the entire show without answering a single question ... + -- Dave Barry, "On Presidential Politics" +% Well I looked at my watch and it said a quarter to five, The headline screamed that I was still alive, I couldn't understand it, I thought I died last night. @@ -41624,6 +56775,16 @@ Take my advice, take the next flight, And grow some funk, grow your funk at home. -- Elton John, "Grow Some Funk of Your Own" % +Well, I would -- if they realized that we -- again if -- if we led them +back to that stalemate only because our retaliatory power, our seconds, +or strike at them after our first strike, would be so destructive they +they couldn't afford it, that would hold them off. + -- Ronald Reagan, on the MX missile +% +"Well, if you can't believe what you read in a comic book, what *___can* +you believe?!" + -- Bullwinkle J. Moose [Jay Ward] +% Well, if you can't believe what you read in a comic book, what *can* you believe? -- Bullwinkle J. Moose @@ -41665,6 +56826,22 @@ From a worn-out picture that my Mother had, And I knew that scar on his cheek and his evil eye... -- Johnny Cash, "A Boy Named Sue" % +Well, my terminal's locked up, and I ain't got any Mail, + And I can't recall the last time that my program didn't fail; +I've got stacks in my structs, I've got arrays in my queues, + I've got the : Segmentation violation -- Core dumped blues. + +If you think that it's nice that you get what you C, + Then go : illogical statement with your whole family, +'Cause the Supreme Court ain't the only place with : Bus error views. + I've got the : Segmentation violation -- Core dumped blues. + +On a PDP-11, life should be a breeze, + But with VAXen in the house even magnetic tapes would freeze. +Now you might think that unlike VAXen I'd know who I abuse, + I've got the : Segmentation violation -- Core dumped blues. + -- Core Dumped Blues +% Well, of course it worked. You made the ritual blood sacrifice. If you bleed on a machine while working on it, it will work. Unless it doesn't. In which case, you need someone else to bleed on it as well. @@ -41679,6 +56856,12 @@ And courting pretty fair maids in the morning bright and early. % Well thaaaaaaat's okay. % +"Well, that was a piece of cake, eh K-9?" + +"Piece of cake, Master? Radial slice of baked confection ... +coefficient of relevance to Key of Time: zero." + -- Doctor Who +% Well, the handwriting is on the floor. -- Joe E. Lewis % @@ -41765,6 +56948,12 @@ and emotional feelings. It might taste good or clever, but in the long run, it's not going to do anything for you. -- Bob Dylan, "LA Times", September 5, 1984 % +We're deep into the holiday gift-giving season, as you can tell from +the fact that everywhere you look, you see jolly old St. Nick urging +you to purchase things, to the point where you want to slug him right +in his bowl full of jelly. + -- Dave Barry, "Simple, Homespun Gifts" +% We're fantastically incredibly sorry for all these extremely unreasonable things we did. I can only plead that my simple, barely-sentient friend and myself are underprivileged, deprived and also college students. @@ -41815,11 +57004,26 @@ learn to make every act count, since you are going to be here for only a short while, in fact, too short for witnessing all the marvels of it." -- Don Juan % +We're only in it for the volume. + -- Black Sabbath +% Were there no women, men might live like gods. -- Thomas Dekker % Wernher von Braun settled for a V-2 when he coulda had a V-8. % +Westheimer's Discovery: + A couple of months in the laboratory can frequently save a +couple of hours in the library. +% +Wethern's Law: + Assumption is the mother of all screw-ups. +% +We've sent a man to the moon, and that's 29,000 miles away. The center +of the Earth is only 4,000 miles away. You could drive that in a week, +but for some reason nobody's ever done it. + -- Andy Rooney +% We've tried each spinning space mote And reckoned its true worth: Take us back again to the homes of men @@ -41867,11 +57071,25 @@ What an author likes to write most is his signature on the back of a cheque. -- Brendan Francis % +"What are we going to do?" + +"Me, I'm examining the major Western religions. I'm looking for +something that's soft on morality, generous with holidays, and has a +short initiation period." +% +"What are you doing?" + +"Examining the world's major religions. I'm looking for something +that's light on morals, has lots of holidays, and with a short +initiation period." +% What awful irony is this? We are as gods, but know it not. % What causes the mysterious death of everyone? % +What color is a chameleon on a mirror? +% What did ya do with your burder and your cross? Did you carry it yourself or did you cry? You and I know that a burden and a cross, @@ -41901,6 +57119,10 @@ What does education often do? It makes a straight cut ditch of a free meandering brook. -- Henry David Thoreau % +What does it mean if there is no fortune for you? +% +What does "it" mean in the sentence "What time is it?"? +% What does it take for Americans to do great things; to go to the moon, to win wars, to dig canals linking oceans, to build railroads across a continent? In independent thought about this question, Neil Armstrong and I concluded @@ -41933,12 +57155,27 @@ What fools these morals be! What fools these mortals be. -- Lucius Annaeus Seneca % +What garlic is to food, insanity is to art. +% +What garlic is to salad, insanity is to art. +% +"What George Washington did for us was to throw out the British, so +that we wouldn't have a fat, insensitive government running our +country. Nice try anyway, George." + -- D. J. on KSFO/KYA +% What goes up must come down. But don't expect it to come down where you can find it. Murphy's Law applied to Newton's. % +What good is a ticket to the good life, if you can't find the +entrance? +% What good is an obscenity trial except to popularize literature? -- Nero Wolfe, "The League of Frightened Men" % +What good is having someone who can walk on water if you don't follow +in his footsteps? +% What good is it if you talk in flowers, and they think in pastry? -- Ashleigh Brilliant % @@ -41971,14 +57208,54 @@ Is taller than trees, Up, up it goes, And yet never grows? % +What I do, first thing [in the morning], is I hop into the shower +stall. Then I hop right back out, because when I hopped in I landed +barefoot right on top of See Threepio, a little plastic robot character +from "Star Wars" whom my son, Robert, likes to pull the legs off of +while he showers. Then I hop right back into the stall because our +dog, Earnest, who has been alone in the basement all night building up +powerful dog emotions, has come bounding and quivering into the +bathroom and wants to greet me with 60 or 70 thousand playful nips, any +one of which -- bear in mind that I am naked and, without my contact +lenses, essentially blind -- could result in the kind of injury where +you have to learn a whole new part if you want to sing the "Messiah", +if you get my drift. Then I hop right back out, because Robert, with +that uncanny sixth sense some children have -- you cannot teach it; +they either have it or they don't -- has chosen exactly that moment to +flush one of the toilets. Perhaps several of them. + -- Dave Barry, "Saving Face" +% What I mean (and everybody else means) by the word QUALITY cannot be broken down into subjects and predicates. This is not because Quality is so mysterious but because Quality is so simple, immediate, and direct. -- R. Pirsig, "Zen and the Art of Motorcycle Maintenance" % +What I tell you three times is true. + -- Lewis Carroll +% +"What I think is that the F-word is basically just a convenient nasty- +sounding word that we tend to use when we would really like to come up +with a terrifically witty insult, the kind Winston Churchill always +came up with when enormous women asked him stupid questions at +parties. + -- Dave Barry, "$#$%#^%!^%&@%@!" +% +What I want is all of the power and none of the responsibility. +% +What if everything is an illusion and nothing exists? In that case, I +definitely overpaid for my carpet. + -- Woody Allen, "Without Feathers" +% +What if nothing exists and we're all in somebody's dream? Or what's +worse, what if only that fat guy in the third row exists? + -- Woody Allen, "Without Feathers" +% What if there had been room at the inn? -- Linda Festa on the origins of Christianity % +What is a magician but a practicing theorist? + -- Obi-Wan Kenobi +% What is algebra, exactly? Is it one of those three-cornered things? -- J. M. Barrie % @@ -42010,6 +57287,10 @@ an accomplice. What is love but a second-hand emotion? -- Tina Turner % +What is mind? No matter. +What is matter? Never mind. + -- Thomas Hewitt Key, 1799-1875 +% What is now proved was once only imagin'd. -- William Blake % @@ -42031,6 +57312,24 @@ Uh, that still ain't right... and the phone rings. The President picks it up, listens for a minute, and hands it to you, saying, "It's for you." % +What is the difference between a Turing machine and the modern +computer? It's the same as that between Hillary's ascent of Everest +and the establishment of a Hilton on its peak. +% +"What is the Nature of God?" + + CLICK...CLICK...WHIRRR...CLICK...=BEEP!= + 1 QT. SOUR CREAM + 1 TSP. SAUERKRAUT + 1/2 CUT CHIVES. + STIR AND SPRINKLE WITH BACON BITS. + +"I've just GOT to start labeling my software..." + -- Bloom County +% +"What is the robbing of a bank compared to the FOUNDING of a bank?" + -- Bertolt Brecht +% What is the sound of one hand clapping? % What is this line of duty, and suffering? You are not supposed to suffer @@ -42051,12 +57350,24 @@ big thumping lie that will then be believed. -- Ministry of Information, memo on the maintenance of British civilian morale, 1939 % +"What is wanted is not the will to believe, but the will to find out, +which is the exact opposite." + -- Bertrand Russell, "Skeptical_Essays", 1928 +% +What is worth doing is worth the trouble of asking somebody to do. +% What is worth doing is worth the trouble of asking somebody to do it. % +"What I've done, of course, is total garbage." + -- R. Willard, Pure Math 430a +% What kind of sordid business are you on now? I mean, man, whither goest thou? Whither goest thou, America, in thy shiny car in the night? -- Jack Kerouac % +What makes the universe so hard to comprehend is that there's nothing +to compare it with. +% What makes us so bitter against people who outwit us is that they think themselves cleverer than we are. % @@ -42103,6 +57414,15 @@ more than man's transparency. What passes for woman's intuition is often nothing more than man's transparency. % +What publishers are looking for these days isn't radical feminism. +It's corporate feminism -- a brand of feminism designed to sell books +and magazines, three-piece suits, airline tickets, Scotch, cigarettes +and, most important, corporate America's message, which runs: "Yes, +women were discriminated against in the past, but that unfortunate +mistake has been remedied; now every woman can attain wealth, prestige +and power by dint of individual rather than collective effort." + -- Susan Gordon +% What really shapes and conditions and makes us is somebody only a few of us ever have the courage to face: and that is the child you once were, long before formal education ever got its claws into you -- that @@ -42115,6 +57435,9 @@ discovery in life, because they are trying to achieve what lay beyond their grasp before they were five years old. -- Robertson Davies, "The Rebel Angels" % +What sane person could live in this world and not be crazy? + -- Ursula K. LeGuin +% What scoundrel stole the cork from my lunch? -- J. D. Farley % @@ -42155,14 +57478,20 @@ What the deuce is it to me? You say that we go around the sun. If we went around the moon it would not make a pennyworth of difference to me or my work. -- Sherlock Holmes, "A Study in Scarlet" % +What the hell, go ahead and put all your eggs in one basket. +% What the hell is it good for? -- Robert Lloyd (engineer of the Advanced Computing Systems Division of IBM), to colleagues who insisted that the microprocessor was the wave of the future, c. 1968 % +What the large print giveth, the small print taketh away. +% What the scientists have in their briefcases is terrifying. -- Nikita Khruschev % +What the world *really* needs is a good Automatic Bicycle Sharpener. +% What they said: What they meant: @@ -42264,6 +57593,18 @@ Meets Tough Quality Standards It compiles without errors. Satisfaction Guaranteed We'll send you another pack if it fails. Stock Item We shipped it before and can do it again. % +What this country needs is a dime that will buy a good five-cent bagel. +% +What this country needs is a good five cent ANYTHING! +% +What this country needs is a good five cent microcomputer. +% +What this country needs is a good five cent nickel. +% +What this country needs is a good five dollar plasma weapon. +% +What this world needs is a good five-dollar plasma weapon. +% What time is it? I don't know, it keeps changing. % @@ -42271,6 +57612,9 @@ What upsets me is not that you lied to me, but that from now on I can no longer believe you. -- Friedrich Nietzsche % +What use is magic if it can't save a unicorn? + -- Peter S. Beagle, "The Last Unicorn" +% What we Are is God's give to us. What we Become is our gift to God. % @@ -42280,6 +57624,15 @@ What we cannot speak about we must pass over in silence. What we do not understand we do not possess. -- Goethe % +What we need in this country, instead of Daylight Savings Time, which +nobody really understands anyway, is a new concept called Weekday +Morning Time, whereby at 7 a.m. every weekday we go into a space- +launch-style "hold" for two to three hours, during which it just +remains 7 a.m. This way we could all wake up via a civilized gradual +process of stretching and belching and scratching, and it would still +be only 7 a.m. when we were ready to actually emerge from bed. + -- Dave Barry, "$#$%#^%!^%&@%@!" +% What we need is either less corruption, or more chance to participate in it. % @@ -42295,6 +57648,8 @@ What will happen when the 32-bit Unix date goes negative in mid-January % What will you do if all your problems aren't solved by the time you die? % +What you don't know can hurt you, only you won't know it. +% What you don't know won't help you much either. -- D. Bennett % @@ -42312,6 +57667,14 @@ something to occur to you. [Quoted in "VMS Internals and Data Structures", V4.4, when referring to AST's.] % +Whatever became of eternal truth? +% +Whatever became of Strange de Jim? Well, he found a substitute for +cocaine: "You cover Q-tips with sandpaper and ram them up your nostrils +as far as they will go. Then you sniff talcum powder while shredding +hundred dollar bills." + -- Herb Caen +% Whatever doesn't succeed in two months and a half in California will never succeed. -- Rev. Henry Durant, founder of the University of California @@ -42323,6 +57686,10 @@ performance. Whatever happened to the good old days when sex was dirty and the air was clean? % +Whatever is not nailed down is mine. What I can pry loose is not +nailed down. + -- Collis P. Huntingdon +% Whatever is not nailed down is mine. Whatever I can pry up is not nailed down. -- Collis P. Huntingdon, railroad tycoon @@ -42333,6 +57700,10 @@ Whatever it is, I fear Greeks even when they bring gifts. Whatever occurs from love is always beyond good and evil. -- Friedrich Nietzsche % +"Whatever the missing mass of the universe is, I hope it's not +cockroaches!" + -- Mom +% Whatever women do they must do twice as well as men to be thought half as good. Luckily this is not difficult. -- Charlotte Whitton @@ -42352,6 +57723,9 @@ What's a cult? It just means not enough people to make a minority. % What's all this bru-ha-ha? % +"What's another word for Thesaurus?" + -- Steven Wright +% What's done to children, they will do to society. % What's page one, a preemptive strike? @@ -42370,13 +57744,27 @@ Some say your toes, But I think it's your mind. -- Frank Zappa, 1965 % +"What's the use of a good quotation if you can't change it?" + -- Doctor Who +% What's this stuff about people being "released on their own recognizance"? Aren't we all out on own recognizance? % +When a Banker jumps out of a window, jump after him -- that's where the +money is. + -- Robespierre +% When a camel flies, no one laughs if it doesn't get very far! % When a cow laughs, does milk come out of its nose? % +When a fellow says, "It ain't the money but the principle of the +thing," it's the money. + -- Kin Hubbard +% +When a fly lands on the ceiling, does it do a half roll or a half +loop? +% When a girl can read the handwriting on the wall, she may be in the wrong rest room. % @@ -42420,6 +57808,17 @@ liar who has broken his promises. % When a person goes on a diet, the first thing he loses is his temper. % +When a place gets crowded enough to require ID's, social collapse is +not far away. It is time to go elsewhere. The best thing about space +travel is that it made it possible to go elsewhere. + -- Robert A. Heinlein, "Time Enough For Love" +% +When a shepherd goes to kill a wolf, and takes his dog along to see the +sport, he should take care to avoid mistakes. The dog has certain +relationships to the wolf the shepherd may have forgotten. + -- Robert Pirsig, "Zen and the Art of Motorcycle + Maintenance" +% When a woman gives me a present I have always two surprises: first is the present, and afterward, having to pay for it. -- Donnay @@ -42461,17 +57860,27 @@ When all else fails, read the instructions. % When all else fails, try Kate Smith. % +When all other means of communication fail, try words. +% When among apes, one must play the ape. % When angry, count four; when very angry, swear. -- Mark Twain % +"When are you BUTTHEADS gonna learn that you can't oppose Gestapo +tactics *with* Gestapo tactics?" + -- Reuben Flagg +% When arguments fail, use a blackjack. -- Ed "Spike" O'Donnell % When arguments fail, use a blackjack. -- Edward "Spike" O'Donnell, Al Capone associate % +When asked by an anthropologist what the Indians called America before +the white men came, an Indian said simply "Ours." + -- Vine Deloria, Jr. +% When asked the definition of "pi": The Mathematician: Pi is the number expressing the relationship between the @@ -42511,12 +57920,18 @@ When Dexter's on the Internet, can Hell be far behind?" % When does later become never? % +When does summertime come to Minnesota, you ask? Well, last year, I +think it was a Tuesday. +% When eating an elephant take one bite at a time. -- Gen. C. Abrams % When forecasting, give them a number or give them a date, but never both. % +When God endowed human beings with brains, He did not intend to +guarantee them. +% When God saw how faulty was man He tried again and made woman. As to why he then stopped there are two opinions. One of them is woman's. -- DeGourmont @@ -42556,6 +57971,11 @@ When I first arrived in this country I had only fifteen cents in my pocket and a willingness to compromise. -- Weber cartoon caption % +"When I get real bored, I like to drive downtown and get a great +parking spot, then sit in my car and count how many people ask me if +I'm leaving." + -- Steven Wright +% When I have one foot in the grave I will tell the truth about women. I shall tell it, jump into my coffin, pull the lid over me, and say, "Do what you like now." @@ -42565,8 +57985,16 @@ When I hear a man applauded by the mob I always feel a pang of pity for him. All he has to do to be hissed is to live long enough. -- H. L. Mencken, "Minority Report" % +When I heated my home with oil, I used an average of 800 gallons a +year. I have found that I can keep comfortably warm for an entire +winter with slightly over half that quantity of beer. + -- Dave Barry, "Postpetroleum Guzzler" +% When I kill, the only thing I feel is recoil. % +When I said "we", officer, I was referring to myself, the four young +ladies, and, of course, the goat. +% When I saw a sign on the freeway that said, "Los Angeles 445 miles," I said to myself, "I've got to get out of this lane." -- Franklyn Ajaye @@ -42601,10 +58029,19 @@ When I think about my folks. When I was 16, I thought there was no hope for my father. By the time I was 20, he had made great improvement. % +When I was a boy I was told that anybody could become President. Now +I'm beginning to believe it. + -- Clarence Darrow +% When I was a child... We had a quick-sand box in the backyard... I was an only child... eventually. -- Stephen Wright % +When I was a kid I said to my father one afternoon, "Daddy, will you +take me to the zoo?" He answered, "If the zoo wants you let them come +and get you." + -- Jerry Lewis +% When I was a kid my favorite relative was Uncle Caveman. After school we'd all go play in his cave, and every once in a while he would eat one of us. It wasn't until later that I found out that Uncle Caveman was a bear. @@ -42618,6 +58055,10 @@ When I was a young man, I vowed never to marry until I found the ideal woman. Well, I found her -- but alas, she was waiting for the ideal man. -- Robert Schuman % +"When I was crossing the border into Canada, they asked if I had any +firearms with me. I said, `Well, what do you need?'" + -- Steven Wright +% When I was growing up my mother kept telling me we're just friends. I tell ya I was an ugly kid. I was so ugly that my Dad kept the kid's @@ -42627,13 +58068,35 @@ picture that came with the wallet he bought. When I was in college, there were a lot of four-letter words you couldn't say in front of girls. Now you can say them. But you can't say "girls". % +When I was in school, I cheated on my metaphysics exam: I looked into +the soul of the boy sitting next to me. + -- Woody Allen +% When I was little, I went into a pet shop and they asked how big I'd get. -- Rodney Dangerfield % +When I was seven years old, I was once reprimanded by my mother for an +act of collective brutality in which I had been involved at school. A +group of seven-year-olds had been teasing and tormenting a +six-year-old. "It is always so," my mother said. "You do things +together which not one of you would think of doing alone." ... +Wherever one looks in the world of human organization, collective +responsibility brings a lowering of moral standards. The military +establishment is an extreme case, an organization which seems to have +been expressly designed to make it possible for people to do things +together which nobody in his right mind would do alone. + -- Freeman Dyson, "Weapons and Hope" +% When I was young we didn't have MTV; we had to take drugs and go to concerts. -- Steven Pearl % +When I was younger, I could remember anything, whether it had happened +or not; but my faculties are decaying now and soon I shall be so I +cannot remember any but the things that never happened. It is sad to +go to pieces like this but we all have to do it. + -- Mark Twain +% When I woke up this morning, my girlfriend asked if I had slept well. I said, "No, I made a few mistakes." -- Steven Wright @@ -42661,6 +58124,8 @@ When in doubt, do it. It's much easier to apologize than to get permission. -- Grace Murray Hopper % +When in doubt, do what the President does -- guess. +% When in doubt, follow your heart. % When in doubt, have a man come through the door with a gun in his hand. @@ -42671,6 +58136,15 @@ When in doubt, lead trump. When in doubt, mumble; when in trouble, delegate; when in charge, ponder. -- James H. Boren % +When in doubt, tell the truth. + -- Mark Twain +% +When in doubt, use brute force. + -- Ken Thompson +% +When in panic, fear and doubt, +Drink in barrels, eat, and shout. +% When in Rome, live in the Roman way. -- St. Ambrose % @@ -42706,6 +58180,12 @@ users lose their spirit. Hack for the user's benefit. Trust them; leave them alone. % +When love is gone, there's always justice. +And when justice is gone, there's always force. +And when force is gone, there's always Mom. +Hi, Mom! + -- Laurie Anderson +% When man calls an animal "vicious", he usually means that it will attempt to defend itself when he tries to kill it. % @@ -42723,6 +58203,13 @@ solved. Truly, this is the Tao of Programming. % +When Marriage is Outlawed, +Only Outlaws will have Inlaws. +% +When more and more people are thrown out of work, unemployment +results. + -- Calvin Coolidge +% When my brain begins to reel from my literary labors, I make an occasional cheese dip. -- Ignatius Reilly @@ -42773,6 +58260,11 @@ but when one studies men, one excuses women. When one wants to get rid of an unsupportable pressure, one needs hashish. -- Friedrich Nietzsche % +When one woman was asked how long she had been going to symphony +concerts, she paused to calculate and replied, "Forty-seven years -- +and I find I mind it less and less." + -- Louise Andrews Kent +% When oxygen Tech played Hydrogen U. The Game had just begun, when Hydrogen scored two fast points And Oxygen still had none @@ -42801,6 +58293,11 @@ was Yesterday: 1925-1939" by Janet Flanner, edited by Irving Drutman. how an automobile got into the charity book sale at the Maison Rothschild, where his assassination occurred. % +When properly administered, vacations do not diminish productivity: +for every week you're away and get nothing done, there's another when +your boss is away and you get twice as much done. + -- Daniel B. Luten +% When smashing monuments, save the pedestals -- they always come in handy. -- Stanislaw J. Lec, "Unkempt Thoughts" % @@ -42829,6 +58326,9 @@ Till somebody we like can be elected. We hate that expression! So when in doubt, send the Marines! -- Tom Lehrer, "Send The Marines" % +When someone says "I want a programming language in which I need only +say what I wish done," give him a lollipop. +% When speculation has done its worst, two plus two still equals four. -- S. Johnson % @@ -42878,6 +58378,9 @@ muddy paw prints on the hood of my car. When the going gets tough, everyone leaves. -- Lynch % +When the going gets tough, the tough get empirical. + -- Jon Carroll +% When the going gets tough, the tough go grab a beer. % When the going gets tough, the tough go shopping. @@ -42885,6 +58388,9 @@ When the going gets tough, the tough go shopping. When the going gets weird, the weird turn pro. -- Hunter S. Thompson % +When the government bureau's remedies don't match your problem, you +modify the problem, not the remedy. +% When the Guru administers, the users are hardly aware that he exists. Next best is a sysop who is loved. @@ -42914,6 +58420,11 @@ I take my place among the sellers. When the lights are out, all women are fair. -- Plutarch % +When the Ngdanga tribe of West Africa hold their moon love ceremonies, +the men of the tribe bang their heads on sacred trees until they get a +nose bleed, which usually cures them of ____that. + -- Mike Harding, "The Armchair Anarchist's Almanac" +% When the only tool you have is a hammer, every problem starts to look like a nail. % @@ -42929,9 +58440,20 @@ right." "Oh, never mind," the disappointed salesman said. "I think I'm in the wrong joke." % +When the speaker and he to whom he is speaks do not understand, that is +metaphysics. + -- Voltaire +% When the sun shineth, make hay. -- John Heywood % +When the Universe was not so out of whack as it is today, and all the +stars were lined up in their proper places, you could easily count them +from left to right, or top to bottom, and the larger and bluer ones +were set apart, and the smaller yellowing types pushed off to the +corners as bodies of a lower grade ... + -- Stanislaw Lem, "Cyberiad" +% When the usher noticed a man stretched across three seats in a movie theatre, he walked over and whispered, "I'm sorry, sir, but you're allowed only a single seat." The man moaned, but did not budge. "Sir," the user said more loudly, @@ -42944,6 +58466,10 @@ what's your name?" "And where're you from, Sam?" "The balcony." % +When the weight of the paperwork equals the weight of the plane, the +plane will fly. + -- Donald Douglas +% When the wind is great, bow before it; when the wind is heavy, yield to it. % @@ -42957,6 +58483,12 @@ When there is an old maid in the house, a watch dog is unnecessary. When things go well, expect something to explode, erode, collapse or just disappear. % +When two people are under the influence of the most violent, most +insane, most delusive, and most transient of passions, they are +required to swear that they will remain in that excited, abnormal, and +exhausting condition continuously until death do them part. + -- George Bernard Shaw +% When users see one GUI as beautiful, other user interfaces become ugly. When users see some programs as winners, @@ -42978,6 +58510,10 @@ acts but doesn't expect. When his work is done, he deletes it. That is why it lasts forever. % +When we are planning for posterity, we ought to remember that virtue is +not hereditary. + -- Thomas Paine +% When we jumped into Sicily, the units became separated, and I couldn't find anyone. Eventually I stumbled across two colonels, a major, three captains, two lieutenants, and one rifleman, and we secured the bridge. Never in the @@ -42986,6 +58522,10 @@ history of war have so few been led by so many. % When we talk of tomorrow, the gods laugh. % +When we understand knowledge-based systems, it will be as before -- +except our fingertips will have been singed. + -- Epigrams in Programming, ACM SIGPLAN Sept. 1982 +% When we understand knowledge-based systems, it will be as before -- except our finger-tips will have been singed. % @@ -43003,10 +58543,18 @@ even our virtues. When you are about to die, a wombat is better than no company at all. -- Roger Zelazny, "Doorways in the Sand" % +When you are about to do an objective and scientific piece of +investigation of a topic, it is well to have the answer firmly in hand, +so that you can proceed forthrightly, without being deflected or +swayed, directly to the goal. + -- Amrom Katz +% When you are at Rome live in the Roman style; when you are elsewhere live as they live elsewhere. -- St. Ambrose % +"When you are in it up to your ears, keep your mouth shut." +% When you are working hard, get up and retch every so often. % When you are young, you enjoy a sustained illusion that sooner or later @@ -43036,6 +58584,8 @@ When you do not know what you are doing, do it neatly. % When you don't know what to do, walk fast and look worried. % +When you don't know what you are doing, do it neatly. +% When you find yourself in danger, when you're threatened by a stranger, When it looks like you will take a lickin'... There is one thing you should learn, @@ -43086,17 +58636,31 @@ people who weren't smart enough to get out of jury duty. % When you go out to buy, don't show your silver. % +When you have an efficient government, you have a dictatorship. + -- Harry S. Truman +% When you have eliminated the impossible, whatever remains, however improbable, must be the truth. -- Sherlock Holmes, "The Sign of Four" % +"When you have to kill a man it costs nothing to be polite." + -- Winston Churchill, on formal declarations of war +% When you jump for joy, beware that no-one moves the ground from beneath your feet. -- Stanislaw J. Lec, "Unkempt Thoughts" % +When you know absolutely nothing about the topic, make your forecast by +asking a carefully selected probability sample of 300 others who don't +know the answer either. + -- Edgar R. Fiedler +% When you live in a sick society, just about everything you do is wrong. % +When you make your mark in the world, watch out for guys with erasers. + -- The Wall Street Journal +% When you meet a master swordsman, show him your sword. When you meet a man who is not a poet, @@ -43126,6 +58690,9 @@ you have not the slightest intention of carrying it out in practice. When you speak to others for their own good it's advice; when they speak to you for your own good it's interference. % +When you try to make an impression, the chances are that is the +impression you will make. +% When you were born, a big chance was taken for you. % When your conscious becomes unconscious, you are drunk. @@ -43156,6 +58723,12 @@ Here's the rub, my darling dear, I feel the same when you are hear. -- Samuel Hoffenstein, "Poems in Praise of Practically Nothing" % +When you're away, I'm restless, lonely, +Wretched, bored, dejected; only +Here's the rub, my darling dear +I feel the same when you are near. + -- Samuel Hoffenstein, "When You're Away" +% When you're bored with yourself, marry, and be bored with someone else. -- David Pryce-Jones % @@ -43173,6 +58746,8 @@ you're living with someone it's fantastic ... they're so frightened of losing you they've got to keep you satisfied all the time. -- Nell Dunn, "Poor Cow" % +When you're not looking at it, this fortune is written in FORTRAN. +% When you're ready to give up the struggle, who can you surrender to? % WHEN YOU'RE RIDING IN A TIME MACHINE way far into the future, don't stick @@ -43190,17 +58765,27 @@ laugh because the apes beat him to it by about a million years. Struggle to become a parrot or something. -- Jack Handey, "The New Mexican", 1988. % +Whenever anyone says, "theoretically", they really mean, "not really". + -- Dave Parnas +% Whenever I date a guy, I think, is this the man I want my children to spend their weekends with? -- Rita Rudner % Whenever I feel like exercise, I lie down until the feeling passes. % +Whenever I hear anyone arguing for slavery, I feel a strong impulse to +see it tried on him personally. + -- Abraham Lincoln +% Whenever I see an old lady slip and fall on a wet sidewalk, my first instinct is to laugh. But then I think, what if I was an ant, and she fell on me. Then it wouldn't seem quite so funny. -- Jack Handey % +Whenever people agree with me I always feel I must be wrong. + -- Oscar Wilde +% Whenever Richard Cory went downtown, We people on the pavement looked at him: He was a gentleman from sole to crown, @@ -43222,11 +58807,21 @@ And Richard Cory, one calm summer night, Whenever someone tells you to take their advice, you can be pretty sure that they're not using it. % +Whenever the literary German dives into a sentence, that is the last +you are going to see of him until he emerges on the other side of his +Atlantic with his verb in his mouth. + -- Mark Twain + "Connecticut Yankee in King Arthur's Court" +% Whenever the literary German dives into a sentence, that is the last you are going to see of him until he emerges on the other side of his Atlantic with his verb in his mouth. -- Mark Twain % +Whenever you find that you are on the side of the majority, it is time +to reform. + -- Mark Twain +% Where a calculator on the ENIAC is equipped with 18,000 vacuum tubes and weighs 30 tons, computers in the future may have only 1,000 vacuum tubes and perhaps weigh 1 1/2 tons. @@ -43236,12 +58831,27 @@ Where am I? Who am I? Am I? I % Where are the calculations that go with a calculated risk? % +WHERE CAN THE MATTER BE + + Oh, dear, where can the matter be + When it's converted to energy? + There is a slight loss of parity. + Johnny's so long at the fair. +% Where do I find the time for not reading so many books? -- Karl Kraus % Where do you go to get anorexia? -- Shelley Winters % +where everything is reversed, after which the point becomes to understand +more and more that there is something which cannot be understood. + -- S. Kierkegaard +% +Where humor is concerned there are no standards -- no one can say what +is good or bad, although you can be sure that everyone will. + -- John Kenneth Galbraith +% Where is John Carson now that we need him? -- RLG % @@ -43281,6 +58891,8 @@ Where there's a whip there's a way. % Where there's a will, there's a relative. % +Where there's a will, there's an Inheritance Tax. +% Where will it all end? Probably somewhere near where it all began. % @@ -43306,10 +58918,30 @@ Go on, do not rest. Whether you can hear it or not, The Universe is laughing behind your back. % +Whether you can hear it or not +The Universe is laughing behind your back + -- National Lampoon, "Deteriorata" +% +Which is worse: ignorance or apathy? Who knows? Who cares? +% Which would you rather have, a bursting planet or an earthquake here and there? -- John Joseph Lynch % +While anyone can admit to themselves they were wrong, the true test is +admission to someone else. +% +While Europe's eye is fix'd on mighty things, +The fate of empires and the fall of kings; +While quacks of State must each produce his plan, +And even children lisp the Rights of Man; +Amid this mighty fuss just let me mention, +The Rights of Woman merit some attention. + -- Robert Burns, Address on "The Rights of Woman", + November 26, 1792 +% +While having never invented a sin, I'm trying to perfect several. +% While he was in New York on location for _Bronco Billy_ (1980), Clint Eastwood agreed to a television interview. His host, somewhat hostile, began by defining a Clint Eastwood picture as a violent, ruthless, @@ -43332,6 +58964,19 @@ The very pulse of the machine. [Quoted in "VMS Internals and Data Structures", V4.4, when referring to software interrupts.] % +While it may be true that a watched pot never boils, the one you don't +keep an eye on can make an awful mess of your stove. + -- Edward Stevenson +% +While money can't buy happiness, it certainly lets you choose your own +form of misery. +% +While money doesn't buy love, it puts you in a great bargaining +position. +% +While most peoples' opinions change, the conviction of their +correctness never does. +% While passing a vacant lot late one night, a jogger was stopped by a man who held a gun to his head. "Who are you for," the gunman snarled, "Bush or Dukakis?" @@ -43366,14 +59011,25 @@ Dat his mudder t'inks he is." Your mother thinks you are. While we are sleeping, two-thirds of the world is plotting to do us in. -- Dean Rusk % +While you don't greatly need the outside world, it's still very +reassuring to know that it's still there. +% While you recently had your problems on the run, they've regrouped and are making another attack. % +While your friend holds you affectionately by both your hands you are +safe, for you can watch both of his. + -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary" +% While your friend holds you affectionately by both your hands you are safe, for you can watch both of his. % Whip it, whip it good! % +Whistler's Law: + You never know who is right, but you always know who is in +charge. +% Whistler's mother is off her rocker. % White dwarf seeks red giant for binary relationship. @@ -43395,6 +59051,9 @@ Who are you? Who can take the demands of the SDS seriously? -- Nathan Pusey % +"Who cares if it doesn't do anything? It was made with our new +Triple-Iso-Bifurcated-Krypton-Gate-MOS process ..." +% Who dat who say "who dat" when I say "who dat"? -- Hattie McDaniel % @@ -43423,9 +59082,19 @@ But he whose love is thin and wise Will view John Knox in Paradise. -- Dorothy Parker % +Who made the world I cannot tell; +'Tis made, and here am I in hell. +My hand, though now my knuckles bleed, +I never soiled with such a deed. + -- A. E. Housman +% +Who messed with my anti-paranoia shot? +% Who needs companionship when you can sit alone in your room and drink? % +Who needs friends when you can sit alone in your room and drink? +% Who on earth would eat a charred caterpillar!? No, no, you SINGE 'em! You SINGE 'em and eat 'em! % @@ -43462,11 +59131,20 @@ pure in heart can make a good soup. % Whoever would lie usefully should lie seldom. % +"Whom are you?" said he, for he had been to night school. + -- George Ade +% Whom computers would destroy, they must first drive insane. % +Whom computers would destroy, they must first drive mad. +% +Whom the gods wish to destroy they first call promising. +% Whom the mad would destroy, first they make Gods. -- Bernard Levin % +Who's on first? +% Who's scruffy-looking? -- Han Solo % @@ -43488,6 +59166,10 @@ Because they are burnt out. Having worked for poor management, they no longer value their jobs. -- Geoffrey James, "The Tao of Programming" % +"Why are we importing all these highbrow plays like `Amadeus'? I could +have told you Mozart was a jerk for nothing." + -- Ian Shoales +% Why are you so hard to ignore? % Why are you watching @@ -43511,6 +59193,9 @@ implications. Why attack God? He may be as miserable as we are. -- Erik Satie % +"Why be a man when you can be a success?" + -- Bertolt Brecht +% Why be difficult when, with a bit of effort, you could be impossible? % Why be difficult, when, with just a little effort, you can be impossible? @@ -43518,6 +59203,17 @@ Why be difficult, when, with just a little effort, you can be impossible? Why be difficult, when, with just a little more effort, you can be impossible? % +Why bother building any more nuclear warheads until we use the ones we +have? +% +Why can't you be a non-conformist like everyone else? +% +Why did the Lord give us so much quickness of movement unless it was to +avoid responsibility with? +% +Why did the Roman Empire collapse? What is the Latin for office +automation? +% Why do mathematicians insist on using words that already have another meaning? "It is the complex case that is easier to deal with." "If it doesn't happen at a corner, but at an edge, it nonetheless happens at a @@ -43533,6 +59229,8 @@ Why do they call a fast a fast, when it goes so slow? % Why do they call it baby-SITTING when all you do is run after them? % +Why do we have two eyes? To watch 3-D movies with. +% Why do we want intelligent terminals when there are so many stupid users? % @@ -43541,9 +59239,22 @@ Why does a hearse horse snicker, hauling a lawyer away? % Why does a ship carry cargo and a truck carry shipments? % +Why does man kill? He kills for food. And not only food: frequently +there must be a beverage. + -- Woody Allen, "Without Feathers" +% +Why does New Jersey have more toxic waste dumps and California have +more lawyers? + +New Jersey had first choice. +% Why doesn't everybody leave everybody else the hell alone? -- Jimmy Durante % +Why don't elephants eat penguins ? + +Because they can't get the wrappers off ... +% Why don't somebody print the truth about our present economic condition? We spent years of wild buying on credit, everything under the sun, whether we needed it or not, and now we are having to pay for it, howling like a @@ -43628,6 +59339,22 @@ I'd LOVE to, but ... -- I've dedicated my life to linguini. -- I need to spend more time with my blender. -- it wouldn't be fair to the other Beautiful People. + -- it's my night to pet the dog/ferret/goldfish. + -- I'm going downtown to try on some gloves. + -- I have to check the freshness dates on my dairy products. + -- I'm going down to the bakery to watch the buns rise. + -- I have an appointment with a cuticle specialist. + -- I have some really hard words to look up. + -- I've got a Friends of the Lowly Rutabaga meeting. + -- I promised to help a friend fold road maps. +% +Why I Can't Go Out With You: + +I'd LOVE to, but ... + -- I have to floss my cat. + -- I've dedicated my life to linguini. + -- I need to spend more time with my blender. + -- it wouldn't be fair to the other Beautiful People. -- it's my night to pet the dog/ferret/goldfish/radio. -- I'm going downtown to try on some gloves. -- I have to check the freshness dates on my dairy products. @@ -43639,9 +59366,23 @@ Why is it called a funny bone when it hurts so much? % Why is it taking so long for her to bring out all the good in you? % +"Why is it that we rejoice at a birth and grieve at a funeral? It is +because we are not the person involved" + -- Mark Twain +% +Why is the alphabet in that order? Is it because of that song? + -- Stephen Wright +% +"Why isn't there a special name for the tops of your feet?" + -- Lily Tomlin +% Why isn't there some cheap and easy way to prove how much she means to me? % +"Why must you tell me all your secrets when it's hard enough to love +you knowing nothing?" + -- Lloyd Cole and the Commotions +% Why my thoughts are my own, when they are in, but when they are out they are another's. -- Susanna Martin, executed for witchcraft, 1681 @@ -43658,9 +59399,32 @@ I can't think why not. Why not go out on a limb? Isn't that where the fruit is? % +Why not have an old-fashioned Christmas for your family this year? +Just picture the scene in your living room on Christmas morning as your +children open their old-fashioned presents. + +Your 11-year-old son: "What the heck is this?" + +You: "A spinning top! You spin it around, and then eventually it + falls down. What fun! Ha, ha!" + +Son: "Is this a joke? Jason Thompson's parents got him a computer + with two disk drives and 128 kilobytes of random-access memory, + and I get this cretin TOP?" + +Your 8-year-old daughter: "You think that's bad? Look at this." + +You: "It's figgy pudding! What a treat!" + +Daughter: "It looks like goat barf." + -- Dave Barry, "Simple, Homespun Gifts" +% Why on earth do people buy old bottles of wine when they can get a fresh one for a quarter of the price? % +"Why was I born with such contemporaries?" + -- Oscar Wilde +% Why, when no honest man will deny in private that every ultimate problem is wrapped in the profoundest mystery, do honest men proclaim in pulpits that unhesitating certainty is the duty of the most foolish and ignorant? Is it @@ -43681,9 +59445,18 @@ Why won't you let me kiss you goodnight? Is it something I said? % Why would anyone want to be called "Later"? % +Why You Can't Run When There's Trouble in the Office: + No matter where you stand, no matter how far or fast you flee, +when it hits the fan, as much as possible will be propelled in your +direction, and almost none will be returned to the source. + -- John L. Shelton +% Why you say you no bunny rabbit when you have little powder-puff tail? -- The Tasmanian Devil % +Wiker's Law: + Government expands to absorb all available revenue and then some. +% Wilcox's Law: A pat on the back is only a few centimeters from a kick in the pants. @@ -43697,6 +59470,10 @@ Will your long-winded speeches never end? What ails you that you keep on arguing? -- Job 16:3 % +Williams and Holland's Law: + If enough data is collected, anything may be proven by +statistical methods. +% Willie in the cauldron fell; Willie saw some dynamite, See the grief on mother's brow; Couldn't understand it quite; Mother loved her darling well -- Curiosity never pays: @@ -43729,6 +59506,9 @@ head... if you wanted to cook, you had to pull off a sweater real quick... Winter is nature's way of saying, "Up yours." -- Robert Byrne % +Winter is the season in which people try to keep the house as warm as +it was in the summer, when they complained about the heat. +% [Wisdom] is a tree of life to those laying hold of her, making happy each one holding her fast. -- Proverbs 3:18, NSV @@ -43745,6 +59525,21 @@ WIT: The salt with which the American Humorist spoils his cookery... by leaving it out. % +Wit, n.: + The salt with which the American Humorist spoils his cookery +... by leaving it out. + -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary" +% +With a gentleman I try to be a gentleman and a half, and with a fraud I +try to be a fraud and a half. + -- Otto von Bismarck +% +With a rubber duck, one's never alone. + -- Douglas Adams, "The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy" +% +With all the fancy scientists in the world, why can't they just once +build a nuclear balm? +% With all the fancy scientists in the world, why can't they just once build a nuclear balm. % @@ -43758,6 +59553,12 @@ With Congress, every time they make a joke it's a law; and every time they make a law it's a joke. -- W. Rogers % +With every passing hour our solar system comes forty-three thousand +miles closer to globular cluster M13 in the constellation Hercules, and +still there are some misfits who continue to insist that there is no +such thing as progress. + -- Ransom K. Ferm +% With her body, woman is more sincere than man; but with her mind she lies. And when she lies, she does not believe herself. -- Tolstoy @@ -43820,6 +59621,8 @@ important to him than his table or his white robe. % Without fools there would be no wisdom. % +Without ice cream life and fame are meaningless. +% Without life, Biology itself would be impossible. % Without love intelligence is dangerous; @@ -43880,6 +59683,15 @@ fall into her arms without falling into her hands. Woman's advice has little value, but he who won't take it is a fool. -- Cervantes % +Wombat's Laws of Computer Selection: + (1) If it doesn't run Unix, forget it. + (2) Any computer design over 10 years old is obsolete. + (3) Anything made by IBM is junk. (See number 2) + (4) The minimum acceptable CPU power for a single user is a + VAX/780 with a floating point accelerator. + (5) Any computer with a mouse is worthless. + -- Rich Kulawiec +% Women are a problem, but if you haven't already guessed, they're the kind of problem I enjoy wrestling with. -- Warren Beatty @@ -43987,6 +59799,24 @@ and philosophy begins in wonder. Wonderful day. Your hangover just makes it seem terrible. % +Wood is highly ecological, since trees are a renewable resource. If +you cut down a tree, another will grow in its place. And if you cut +down the new tree, still another will grow. And if you cut down that +tree, yet another will grow, only this one will be a mutation with +long, poisonous tentacles and revenge in its heart, and it will sit +there in the forest, cackling and making elaborate plans for when you +come back. + +Wood heat is not new. It dates back to a day millions of years ago, +when a group of cavemen were sitting around, watching dinosaurs rot. +Suddenly, lightning struck a nearby log and set it on fire. One of the +cavemen stared at the fire for a few minutes, then said: "Hey! Wood +heat!" The other cavemen, who did not understand English, immediately +beat him to death with stones. But the key discovery had been made, +and from that day forward, the cavemen had all the heat they needed, +although their insurance rates went way up. + -- Dave Barry, "Postpetroleum Guzzler" +% Woodward's Law: A theory is better than its explanation. % @@ -44124,12 +59954,21 @@ a handshake, and have fun. -- Harold "Doc" Edgerton, summing up his life's philosophy, shortly before dying at the age of 86. % +Work Rule: Leave of Absence (for an Operation): + We are no longer allowing this practice. We wish to discourage +any thoughts that you may not need all of whatever you have, and you +should not consider having anything removed. We hired you as you are, +and to have anything removed would certainly make you less than we +bargained for. +% Work smarter, not harder, and be careful of your speling. % Work without a vision is slavery, Vision without work is a pipe dream, But vision with work is the hope of the world. % +Workers of the world, arise! You have nothing to lose but your chairs. +% Working with Julie Andrews is like getting hit over the head with a valentine. -- Christopher Plummer @@ -44142,9 +59981,32 @@ together more baseness, cruelty and abomination than any other sort of error in the world." -- Sydney Harris % +World War Three can be averted by adherence to a strictly enforced +dress code! +% Worrying is like rocking in a rocking chair-- It gives you something to do, but it doesn't get you anywhere. % +Worst Month of 1981 for Downhill Skiing: + August. The lift lines are the shortest, though. + -- Steve Rubenstein +% +Worst Month of the Year: + February. February has only 28 days in it, which means that if +you rent an apartment, you are paying for three full days you don't +get. Try to avoid Februarys whenever possible. + -- Steve Rubenstein +% +Worst Response To A Crisis, 1985: + From a readers' Q and A column in TV GUIDE: "If we get involved +in a nuclear war, would the electromagnetic pulses from exploding bombs +damage my videotapes?" +% +Worst Vegetable of the Year: + The brussels sprout. This is also the worst vegetable of next +year. + -- Steve Rubenstein +% Worth seeing? Yes, but not worth going to see. % @@ -44183,6 +60045,17 @@ Would you people stop playing these stupid games?!?!?!!!! Would you *really* want to get on a non-stop flight? -- George Carlin % +"Would you tell me, please, which way I ought to go from here?" + +"That depends a good deal on where you want to get to," said the Cat. + -- Lewis Carroll +% +Wouldn't the sentence "I want to put a hyphen between the words Fish +and And and And and Chips in my Fish-And-Chips sign" have been clearer +if quotation marks had been placed before Fish, and between Fish and +and, and and and And, and And and and, and and and And, and And and +and, and and and Chips, as well as after Chips? +% Wouldn't this be a great world if being insecure and desperate were a turn-on? -- "Broadcast News" @@ -44195,6 +60068,13 @@ Write a wise saying and your name will live forever. % Write yourself a threatening letter and pen a defiant reply. % +Write-Protect Tab, n.: + A small sticker created to cover the unsightly notch carelessly +left by disk manufacturers. The use of the tab creates an error +message once in a while, but its aesthetic value far outweighs the +momentary inconvenience. + -- Robb Russon +% Writers who use a computer swear to its liberating power in tones that bear witness to the apocalyptic power of a new divinity. Their conviction results from something deeper than mere gratitude for the computer's conveniences. @@ -44208,6 +60088,9 @@ holds in contempt the rituals and the laws of the other. Each thinks that it is itself the one hope for salvation. -- Edward Mendelson, "The New Republic", February 22, 1988 % +Writing about music is like dancing about architecture. + -- Frank Zappa +% Writing free verse is like playing tennis with the net down. % Writing is easy; all you do is sit staring at the blank sheet of @@ -44221,6 +60104,11 @@ Writing software is more fun than working. % WRONG! % +"Wrong," said Renner. + +"The tactful way," Rod said quietly, "the polite way to disagree with +the Senator would be to say, `That turns out not to be the case.'" +% WYSIWYG: What You See Is What You Get. % @@ -44355,6 +60243,10 @@ X windows: Incompatibility. Shoddiness. Uselessness. X windows. % +Xerox does it again and again and again and ... +% +Xerox never comes up with anything original. +% XI: If the Earth could be made to rotate twice as fast, managers would get twice as much done. If the Earth could be made to rotate twenty @@ -44375,6 +60267,11 @@ XV: and two-thirds of the problems. -- Norman Augustine % +XIIdigitation, n.: + The practice of trying to determine the year a movie was made +by deciphering the Roman numerals at the end of the credits. + -- Rich Hall, "Sniglets" +% XLI: The more one produces, the less one gets. XLII: @@ -44414,6 +60311,9 @@ LII: There remains the possibility that it may someday be valuable again. -- Norman Augustine % +X-rated movies are all alike ... the only thing they leave to the +imagination is the plot. +% XVI: In the year 2054, the entire defense budget will purchase just one aircraft. This aircraft will have to be shared by the Air Force and @@ -44505,6 +60405,13 @@ XL: % Ya know, Quaker Oats make you feel good twice! % +"Yacc" owes much to a most stimulating collection of users, who have +goaded me beyond my inclination, and frequently beyond my ability in +their endless search for "one more feature". Their irritating +unwillingness to learn how to do things my way has usually led to my +doing things their way; most of the time, they have been right. + -- Stephen C. Johnson, "Yacc guide acknowledgements" +% Ya'll hear about the geometer who went to the beach to catch some rays and became a tangent ? % @@ -44515,6 +60422,13 @@ Yea from the table of my memory I'll wipe away all trivial fond records. -- Hamlet % +Yea, though I walk through the valley of the shadow of APL, I shall +fear no evil, for I can string six primitive monadic and dyadic +operators together. + -- Steve Higgins +% +Yeah, but you're taking the universe out of context. +% Yeah, God is dead, he laughed himself to death. % Yeah, if it looks like a duck, and walks like @@ -44550,6 +60464,14 @@ Year Name James Bond Book 1987 The Living Daylights Timothy Dalton 1965 (novelette) * -- Not a Broccoli production. % +Year, n.: + A period of three hundred and sixty-five disappointments. + -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary" +% +Yes, but every time I try to see things your way, I get a headache. +% +Yes, but which self do you want to be? +% Yes, I've now got this nice little apartment in New York, one of those L-shaped ones. Unfortunately, it's a lower case l. -- Rita Rudner @@ -44566,6 +60488,15 @@ Yes, we will be going to OSI, Mars and, Pluto, but not necessarily in that order. -- George Michaelson % +Yesterday I was a dog. Today I'm a dog. Tomorrow I'll probably still +be a dog. Sigh! There's so little hope for advancement. + -- Snoopy +% +Yesterday upon the stair +I met a man who wasn't there. +He wasn't there again today -- +I think he's from the CIA. +% Ye've also got to remember that ... respectable people do the most astonishin' things to preserve their respectability. Thank God I'm not respectable. @@ -44575,6 +60506,9 @@ Yevtushenko has... an ego that can crack crystal at a distance of twenty feet. -- John Cheever % +Yield to Temptation ... it may not pass your way again. + -- Lazarus Long, "Time Enough for Love" +% Yield to temptation; it may not pass your way again. % YINKEL: @@ -44582,6 +60516,11 @@ YINKEL: hoping no one will notice. -- Rich Hall & Friends, "Sniglets" % +Yinkel, n.: + A person who combs his hair over his bald spot, hoping no one +will notice. + -- Rich Hall, "Sniglets" +% You ain't learning nothing when you're talking. % You always have the option of pitching baseballs at empty @@ -44596,6 +60535,8 @@ use for only seven years. One of its windshield wipers is broken, and the carburetor needs adjusting. The tank holds 20 gallons, but at the moment is only three-quarters full. How old is the taxi driver?" % +You are a very redundant person, that's what kind of person you are. +% You are a wish to be here wishing yourself. -- Philip Whalen % @@ -44633,6 +60574,17 @@ You are fighting for survival in your own sweet and gentle way. % You are going to have a new love affair. % +You are here: + *** + *** + ********* + ******* + ***** + *** + * + + But you're not all there. +% You are in a maze of little twisting passages, all alike. % You are in a maze of little twisting passages, all different. @@ -44667,6 +60619,92 @@ Please set your clocks back 200 years. % You are number 6! Who is number one? % +"You are old, Father William," the young man said, + "All your papers these days look the same; +Those William's would be better unread -- + Do these facts never fill you with shame?" + +"In my youth," Father William replied to his son, + "I wrote wonderful papers galore; +But the great reputation I found that I'd won, + Made it pointless to think any more." +% +"You are old, father William," the young man said, + "And your hair has become very white; +And yet you incessantly stand on your head -- + Do you think, at your age, it is right?" + +"In my youth," father William replied to his son, + "I feared it might injure the brain; +But, now that I'm perfectly sure I have none, + Why, I do it again and again." + -- Lewis Carroll +% +"You are old," said the youth, "and I'm told by my peers + That your lectures bore people to death. +Yet you talk at one hundred conventions per year -- + Don't you think that you should save your breath?" + +"I have answered three questions and that is enough," + Said his father, "Don't give yourself airs! +Do you think I can listen all day to such stuff? + Be off, or I'll kick you downstairs!" +% +"You are old," said the youth, "and your jaws are too weak + For anything tougher than suet; +Yet you finished the goose, with the bones and the beak -- + Pray, how did you manage to do it?" + +"In my youth," said his father, "I took to the law, + And argued each case with my wife; +And the muscular strength which it gave to my jaw, + Has lasted the rest of my life." + -- Lewis Carroll +% +"You are old," said the youth, "and your programs don't run, + And there isn't one language you like; +Yet of useful suggestions for help you have none -- + Have you thought about taking a hike?" + +"Since I never write programs," his father replied, + "Every language looks equally bad; +Yet the people keep paying to read all my books + And don't realize that they've been had." +% +"You are old," said the youth, "as I mentioned before, + And have grown most uncommonly fat; +Yet you turned a back-somersault in at the door -- + Pray what is the reason of that?" + +"In my youth," said the sage, as he shook his grey locks, + "I kept all my limbs very supple +By the use of this ointment -- one shilling the box -- + Allow me to sell you a couple?" + -- Lewis Carroll +% +"You are old," said the youth, "as I mentioned before, + And make errors few people could bear; +You complain about everyone's English but yours -- + Do you really think this is quite fair?" + +"I make lots of mistakes," Father William declared, + "But my stature these days is so great +That no critic can hurt me -- I've got them all scared, + And to stop me it's now far too late." +% +"You are old," said the youth, "one would hardly suppose + That your eye was as steady as ever; +Yet you balanced an eel on the end of your nose -- + What made you so awfully clever?" + +"I have answered three questions, and that is enough," + Said his father. "Don't give yourself airs! +Do you think I can listen all day to such stuff? + Be off, or I'll kick you down stairs!" + -- Lewis Carroll +% +You are only young once, but you can stay immature indefinitely. +% You are scrupulously honest, frank, and straightforward. Therefore you have few friends. % @@ -44683,6 +60721,8 @@ You are standing on my toes. % You are taking yourself far too seriously. % +You are the only person to ever get this message. +% You are transported to a room where you are faced by a wizard who points to you and says, "Them's fighting words!" You immediately get attacked by all sorts of denizens of the museum: there is a cobra @@ -44702,6 +60742,9 @@ You scored 0 out of 250 possible points. That gives you a ranking of junior beginning adventurer. To achieve the next higher rating, you need to score 32 more points. % +You are wise, witty, and wonderful, but you spend too much time reading +this sort of trash. +% You ask what a nice girl will do? She won't give an inch, but she won't say no. -- Marcus Valerius Martialis @@ -44715,6 +60758,8 @@ You auto buy now. "Sure. Whaddya got?" -- Marlon Brando, "The Wild Ones" % +You buttered your bread, now lie in it! +% You buy a judge by weight, like iron in a junk yard. A justice of the peace or a magistrate can be had for a five-dollar bill. In the municipal courts, he will cost you ten. In the circuit or superior @@ -44730,6 +60775,19 @@ You can always pick up your needle and move to another groove. % You can always tell luck from ability by its duration. % +You can always tell the Christmas season is here when you start getting +incredibly dense, tinfoil-and-ribbon- wrapped lumps in the mail. +Fruitcakes make ideal gifts because the Postal Service has been unable +to find a way to damage them. They last forever, largely because +nobody ever eats them. In fact, many smart people save the fruitcakes +they receive and send them back to the original givers the next year; +some fruitcakes have been passed back and forth for hundreds of years. + +The easiest way to make a fruitcake is to buy a darkish cake, then +pound some old, hard fruit into it with a mallet. Be sure to wear +safety glasses. + -- Dave Barry, "Simple, Homespun Gifts" +% You can always tell the people that are forging the new frontier. They're the ones with arrows sticking out of their backs. % @@ -44746,6 +60804,10 @@ You can bring any calculator you like to the midterm, as long as it doesn't dim the lights when you turn it on. -- Hepler, CS, University of Washington % +"You can bring any calculator you like to the midterm, as long as it +doesn't dim the lights when you turn it on." + -- Hepler, Systems Design 182 +% You can bring men from other parts of the world who are sane. And you know what happens? At the very moment they cross those mountains... they go mad. Instantaneously and automatically, at the very moment @@ -44762,9 +60824,16 @@ Girl, bathing on Bikini, eyeing boy, A man, a plan, a canal -- Panama! -- The Palindromist % +You can create your own opportunities this week. +Blackmail a senior executive. +% You can destroy your now by worrying about tomorrow. -- Janis Joplin % +"You can do this in a number of ways. IBM chose to do all of them. +Why do you find that funny?" + -- D. Taylor, Computer Science 350 +% You can do this in a number of ways. IBM chose to do all of them. Why do you find that funny? -- D. Taylor, CS, University of Washington @@ -44793,6 +60862,10 @@ You can get *anywhere* in ten minutes if you drive fast enough. You can get everything in life you want, if you will help enough other people get what they want. % +You can get more of what you want with a kind word and a gun than you +can with just a kind word. + -- Bumper Sticker +% You can get much further with a kind word and a gun than you can with a kind word alone. -- Al Capone @@ -44831,8 +60904,18 @@ You can imagine my embarrassment when I killed the wrong guy. You can lead a horse to water, but if you can get him to float on his back, you've got something. % +You can learn many things from children. How much patience you have, +for instance. + -- Franklin P. Jones +% You can make it illegal, but can't make it unpopular. % +You can make it illegal, but you can't make it unpopular. +% +You can measure a programmer's perspective by noting his attitude on +the continuing viability of FORTRAN. + -- Alan Perlis +% You can measure a programmer's perspective by noting his attitude on the continuing vitality of FORTRAN. % @@ -44865,17 +60948,35 @@ specifications than at any other time in history. You can observe a lot just by watching. -- Yogi Berra % +You can only live once, but if you do it right, once is enough. +% You can rent this space for only $5 a week. % +You can take all the impact that science considerations have on funding +decisions at NASA, put them in the navel of a flea, and have room left +over for a caraway seed and Tony Calio's heart. + -- F. Allen +% +You can tell how far we have to go, when FORTRAN is the language of +supercomputers. + -- Steven Feiner +% You can tell the ideals of a nation by its advertisements. -- Norman Douglas % +You can tune a piano, but you can't tuna fish. +% +"You can write a small letter to Grandma in the filename." + -- Forbes Burkowski, Computer Science 454 +% You can write a small letter to Grandma in the filename. -- Forbes Burkowski, CS, University of Washington % You canna change the laws of physics, Captain; I've got to have thirty minutes! % +You cannot achieve the impossible without attempting the absurd. +% You cannot choose your battlefield, the gods do that for you. But you can plant a standard where a standard never flew. -- Nathalia Crane @@ -44883,6 +60984,10 @@ But you can plant a standard where a standard never flew. You cannot have a science without measurement. -- R. W. Hamming % +You cannot kill time without injuring eternity. +% +You cannot propel yourself forward by patting yourself on the back. +% You cannot see the wood for the trees. -- John Heywood % @@ -44893,6 +60998,8 @@ You cannot use your friends and have them too. % You can't break eggs without making an omelet. % +You can't carve your way to success without cutting remarks. +% You can't cheat an honest man, never give a sucker an even break or smarten up a chump. -- W. C. Fields @@ -44922,11 +61029,19 @@ You can't get there from here. % You can't go home again, unless you set $HOME. % +"You can't have everything. Where would you put it?" + -- Steven Wright +% You can't have your cake and let your neighbor eat it too. -- Ayn Rand % +You can't hold a man down without staying down with him. + -- Booker T. Washington +% You can't hug a child with nuclear arms. % +You can't judge a book by the way it wears its hair. +% You can't kiss a girl unexpectedly -- only sooner than she thought you would. % @@ -44934,6 +61049,8 @@ You can't learn too soon that the most useful thing about a principle is that it can always be sacrificed to expediency. -- W. Somerset Maugham, "The Circle" % +"You can't make a program without broken egos." +% You can't mend a wristwatch while falling from an airplane. % You can't play your friends like marks, kid. @@ -44949,11 +61066,22 @@ You can't say civilization don't advance... in every war they kill you a new way. -- Will Rogers % +You can't start worrying about what's going to happen. You get spastic +enough worrying about what's happening now. + -- Lauren Bacall +% +"You can't survive by sucking the juice from a wet mitten." + -- Charles Schulz, "Things I've Had to Learn Over and + Over and Over" +% You can't take damsel here now. % You can't take it with you -- especially when crossing a state line. % +"You can't teach people to be lazy - either they have it, or they don't." + -- Dagwood Bumstead +% You can't underestimate the power of fear. -- Tricia Nixon Cox % @@ -44961,15 +61089,24 @@ You climb to reach the summit, but once there, discover that all roads lead down. -- Stanislaw Lem, "The Cyberiad" % +You could get a new lease on life -- if only you didn't need the first +and last month in advance. +% You could live a better life, if you had a better mind and a better body. % +You couldn't even prove the White House staff sane beyond a reasonable +doubt. + -- Ed Meese, on the Hinckley verdict +% You definitely intend to start living sometime soon. % You dialed 5483. % You display the wonderful traits of charm and courtesy. % +You do not have mail. +% You don't become a failure until you're satisfied with being one. % You don't have to be nice to people on the way up @@ -44982,9 +61119,16 @@ You don't have to explain something you never said. You don't have to know how the computer works, just how to work the computer. % +You don't have to think too hard when you talk to teachers. + -- J. D. Salinger +% You don't move to Edina, you achieve Edina. -- Guindon % +You don't sew with a fork, so I see no reason to eat with knitting +needles. + -- Miss Piggy, on eating Chinese Food +% You enjoy the company of other people. % You feel a whole lot more like you do @@ -44992,6 +61136,26 @@ now than you did when you used to. % You fill a much-needed gap. % +You first have to decide whether to use the short or the long form. +The short form is what the Internal Revenue Service calls "simplified", +which means it is designed for people who need the help of a Sears +tax-preparation expert to distinguish between their first and last +names. Here's the complete text: + + "(1) How much did you make? (AMOUNT) + "(2) How much did we here at the government take out? (AMOUNT) + "(3) Hey! Sounds like we took too much! So we're going to + send an official government check for (ONE-FIFTEENTH OF + THE AMOUNT WE TOOK) directly to the (YOUR LAST NAME) + household at (YOUR ADDRESS), for you to spend in any way + you please! Which just goes to show you, (YOUR FIRST + NAME), that it pays to file the short form!" + +The IRS wants you to use this form because it gets to keep most of your +money. So unless you have pond silt for brains, you want the long +form. + -- Dave Barry, "Sweating Out Taxes" +% You first parent of the human race... who ruined yourself for an apple, what might you have done for a truffled turkey? -- Brillat-Savarin, "Physiologie du Gout" @@ -45056,11 +61220,20 @@ You have a strong appeal for members of your own sex. You have a strong desire for a home and your family interests come first. % +You have a tendency to feel you are superior to most computers. +% You have a truly strong individuality. % You have a will that can be influenced by all with whom you come in contact. % +You have acquired a scroll entitled 'irk gleknow mizk'(n).--More-- + +This is an IBM Manual scroll.--More-- + +You are permanently confused. + -- Dave Decot +% You have all eternity to be cautious in when you're dead. -- Lois Platford % @@ -45075,6 +61248,9 @@ You have an ambitious nature and may make a name for yourself. You have an unusual equipment for success. Be sure to use it properly. % +You have an unusual magnetic personality. Don't walk too close to +metal objects which are not fastened down. +% You have an unusual understanding of the problems of human relationships. % @@ -45087,6 +61263,8 @@ You have Egyptian flu: you're going to be a mummy. % You have had a long-term stimulation relative to business. % +You have junk mail. +% You have literary talent that you should take pains to develop. % You have mail. @@ -45103,6 +61281,12 @@ and few words in your sleep to get divorced. % You have taken yourself too seriously. % +You have the body of a 19 year old. Please return it before it gets +wrinkled. +% +You have the capacity to learn from mistakes. You'll learn a lot +today. +% You have the power to influence all with whom you come in contact. % You have to run as fast as you can just to stay where you are. @@ -45131,6 +61315,13 @@ and he says "roff! roff!", well, I'll just have to... You know how to win a victory, Hannibal, but not how to use it. -- Maharbal % +You know if they ever find a way to harness sarcasm as an energy source, +you people are all going to owe me big. + -- Bill Paul +% +You know it's going to be a bad day when you want to put on the clothes +you wore home from the party and there aren't any. +% You know it's going to be a long day when you get up, shave and shower, start to get dressed and your shoes are still warm. -- Dean Webber @@ -45157,6 +61348,11 @@ like that all the time. You know, the difference between this company and the Titanic is that the Titanic had paying customers. % +You know the great thing about TV? If something important happens +anywhere at all in the world, no matter what time of the day or night, +you can always change the channel. + -- Jim Ignatowski +% You know very well that whether you are on page one or page thirty depends on whether [the press] fear you. It is just as simple as that. -- Richard Nixon @@ -45178,12 +61374,18 @@ meet Cecil," we shout, "You're late again with the child support!" You know you are getting old when you think you should drive the speed limit. -- E. A. Gilliam % +You know you have a small apartment when Rice Krispies echo. + -- S. Rickly Christian +% You know your apartment is small... when you can't know its position and velocity at the same time. you put your key in the lock and it breaks the window. you have to go outside to change your mind. you can vacuum the entire place using a single electrical outlet. % +You know you're a little fat if you have stretch marks on your car. + -- Cyrus, Chicago Reader 1/22/82 +% You know you're getting old when you're Dad, and you're measuring your daughter for camp clothes, and there are certain measurements only her mother is allowed to take. @@ -45246,6 +61448,11 @@ when you go out to the junk food machine and start wondering how to make it give you the CADR of Item H so you can get that yummie chocolate cupcake that's stuck behind the disgusting vanilla one. % +You know you've been spending too much time on the computer when your +friend misdates a check, and you suggest adding a "++" to fix it. +% +You know you've landed gear-up when it takes full power to taxi. +% You learn to write as if to someone else because NEXT YEAR YOU WILL BE "SOMEONE ELSE". % @@ -45255,6 +61462,8 @@ You lived with a man who wore white belts? Laura, I'm disappointed in you. -- Remington Steele % +You look like a million dollars. All green and wrinkled. +% You look tired. % You love peace. @@ -45270,16 +61479,29 @@ doesn't mean that you weren't here today. You may be infinitely smaller than some things, but you're infinitely larger than others. % +You may be recognized soon. Hide. +% You may be right, I may be crazy, But maybe it's a lunatic you're looking for? -- Billy Joel % +You may be sure that when a man begins to call himself a "realist," he +is preparing to do something he is secretly ashamed of doing. + -- Sydney Harris +% You may carve it on his tombstone, you may cut it on his card That a young man married is a young man marred. -- Rudyard Kipling, "The Story of the Gadsbys" % +You may easily play a joke on a man who likes to argue -- agree with +him. + -- Ed Howe +% You may get an opportunity for advancement today. Watch it! % +You may have heard that a dean is to faculty as a hydrant is to a dog. + -- Alfred Kahn +% You may my glories and my state dispose, But not my griefs; still am I king of those. -- William Shakespeare, "Richard II" @@ -45293,11 +61515,24 @@ be sold. You mean you didn't *know* she was off making lots of little phone companies? % +You men out there probably think you already know how to dress for +success. You know, for example, that you should not wear leisure suits +or white plastic belts and shoes, unless you are going to a costume +party disguised as a pig farmer vacationing at Disney World. + -- Dave Barry, "How to Dress for Real Success" +% You mentioned your name as if I should recognize it, but beyond the obvious facts that you are a bachelor, a solicitor, a freemason, and an asthmatic, I know nothing whatever about you. -- Sherlock Holmes, "The Norwood Builder" % +You might have mail. +% +You might like to know that I looked at a detailed map of NT, and I'm +now able to confirm that in all probability Microsoft NT does not +exist. If it does, it's so small as to be completely insignificant. + -- Greg Lehey +% You must dine in our cafeteria. You can eat dirt cheap there!!!! % @@ -45316,10 +61551,22 @@ to his own concept of the obligations of manhood. All other loyalties are merely deputies of that one. -- Nero Wolfe % +"You must realize that the computer has it in for you. The irrefutable +proof of this is that the computer always does what you tell it to do." +% You need more time; and you probably always will. % +You need no longer worry about the future. This time tomorrow you'll +be dead. +% You need not worry about your future. % +You need only reflect that one of the best ways to get yourself a +reputation as a dangerous citizen these days is to go about repeating +the very phrases which our founding fathers used in the struggle for +independence. + -- Charles A. Beard +% You never gain something but that you lose something. -- Thoreau % @@ -45345,6 +61592,9 @@ right gift. % You never hesitate to tackle the most difficult problems. % +You never know how many friends you have until you rent a house on the +beach. +% You never know what is enough until you know what is more than enough. -- William Blake % @@ -45362,14 +61612,26 @@ guys were getting stoned! % You now have Asian Flu. % +You or I must yield up his life to Ahrimanes. I would rather it were +you. I should have no hesitation in sacrificing my own life to spare +yours, but we take stock next week, and it would not be fair on the +company. + -- J. Wellington Wells +% You own a dog, but you can only feed a cat. % You plan things that you do not even attempt because of your extreme caution. % +You possess a mind not merely twisted, but actually sprained. +% You prefer the company of the opposite sex, but are well liked by your own. % +You probably wouldn't worry about what people think of you if you could +know how seldom they do. + -- Olin Miller +% You recoil from the crude; you tend naturally toward the exquisite. % You roll my log, and I will roll yours. @@ -45422,12 +61684,19 @@ You shall judge of a man by his foes as well as by his friends. % You should avoid hedging, at least that's what I think. % +You should emulate your heros, but don't carry it too far. Especially +if they are dead. +% You should go home. % You should make a point of trying every experience once -- except incest and folk-dancing. -- A. Bax, "Farewell My Youth" % +You should never bet against anything in science at odds of more than +about 10^12 to 1. + -- Ernest Rutherford +% You should never bet against anything in science at odds of more than about ten to the twelfth to one. -- Ernest Rutherford @@ -45436,6 +61705,38 @@ You should never ride in an airplane with a sports team, because if the plane goes down, it's you they're gonna eat! -- Gordon Downie, singer for Tragically Hip % +You should never wear your best trousers when you go out to fight for +freedom and liberty. + -- Henrik Ibsen +% +You should not use your fireplace, because scientists now believe that, +contrary to popular opinion, fireplaces actually remove heat from +houses. Really, that's what scientists believe. In fact many +scientists actually use their fireplaces to cool their houses in the +summer. If you visit a scientist's house on a sultry August day, +you'll find a cheerful fire roaring on the hearth and the scientist +sitting nearby, remarking on how cool he is and drinking heavily. + -- Dave Barry, "Postpetroleum Guzzler" +% +You should tip the waiter $10, minus $2 if he tells you his name, +another $2 if he claims it will be His Pleasure to serve you and +another $2 for each "special" he describes involving confusing terms +such as "shallots," and $4 if the menu contains the word "fixin's." In +many restaurants, this means the waiter will actually owe you money. +If you are traveling with a child aged six months to three years, you +should leave an additional amount equal to twice the bill to compensate +for the fact that they will have to take the banquette out and burn it +because the cracks are wedged solid with gobbets made of partially +chewed former restaurant rolls saturated with baby spit. + +In New York, tip the taxicab driver $40 if he does not mention his +hemorrhoids. + -- Dave Barry, "The Stuff of Etiquette" +% +"You should, without hesitation, pound your typewriter into a +plowshare, your paper into fertilizer, and enter agriculture." + -- Business Professor, University of Georgia +% You shouldn't have to pay for your love with your bones and your flesh. -- Pat Benatar, "Hell is for Children" % @@ -45447,6 +61748,8 @@ You single-handedly fought your way into this hopeless mess. % You teach best what you most need to learn. % +You think Oedipus had a problem -- Adam was Eve's mother. +% YOU TOO CAN MAKE BIG MONEY IN THE EXCITING FIELD OF PAPER SHUFFLING! Mr. Smith of Muddle, Mass. says: "Before I took this course I used to be @@ -45462,6 +61765,8 @@ you earn your MDL degree from MIT Tech your future will be brighter. SEND FOR OUR FREE BROCHURE TODAY! % +You too can wear a nose mitten. +% You tread upon my patience. -- William Shakespeare, "Henry IV" % @@ -45480,12 +61785,17 @@ You will always have good luck in your personal affairs. % You will attract cultured and artistic people to your home. % +You will be a winner today. Pick a fight with a four-year-old. +% You will be advanced socially, without any special effort on your part. % You will be aided greatly by a person whom you thought to be unimportant. % +You will be attacked by a beast who has the body of a wolf, the tail of +a lion, and the face of Donald Duck. +% You will be audited by the Internal Revenue Service. % You will be awarded a medal for disregarding safety in saving someone. @@ -45528,12 +61838,16 @@ You will be singled out for promotion in your work. % You will be successful in love. % +You will be surprised by a loud noise. +% You will be surrounded by luxury. % You will be the last person to buy a Chrysler. % You will be the victim of a bizarre joke. % +You will be Told about it Tomorrow. Go Home and Prepare Thyself. +% You will be traveling and coming into a fortune. % You will be winged by an anti-aircraft battery. @@ -45546,6 +61860,8 @@ You will engage in a profitable business activity. % You will experience a strong urge to do good; but it will pass. % +You will feel hungry again in another hour. +% You will find me drinking gin In the lowest kind of inn, Because I am a rigid Vegetarian. @@ -45593,6 +61909,9 @@ You will lose an important disk file. % You will lose an important tape file. % +You will lose your present job and have to become a door to door +mayonnaise salesman. +% You will meet an important person who will help you advance professionally. % You will never amount to much. @@ -45632,6 +61951,8 @@ You will step on the night soil of many countries. You will stop at nothing to reach your objective, but only because your brakes are defective. % +You will think of something funnier than this to add to the fortunes. +% You will triumph over your enemy. % You will visit the Dung Pits of Glive soon. @@ -45645,6 +61966,9 @@ You won't skid if you stay in a rut. % You work very hard. Don't try to think as well. % +You worry too much about your job. Stop it. You're not paid enough to +worry. +% "You would do well not to imagine profundity," he said. "Anything that seems of momentous occasion should be dwelt upon as though it were of slight note. Conversely, trivialities must be attended to with the greatest of care. @@ -45660,6 +61984,11 @@ You'd best be snoozin', 'cause you don't be gettin' no work done at 5 a.m. anyway. -- From the wall of the Wurster Hall stairwell % +You'd better beat it. You can leave in a taxi. If you can't get a +taxi, you can leave in a huff. If that's too soon, you can leave in a +minute and a huff. + -- Groucho Marx +% You'd better smile when they watch you, smile like you're in control. -- Smile, "Was (Not Was)" % @@ -45681,6 +62010,8 @@ Toss dynamite caps under a flamenco dancer's heel. % You'll feel much better once you've given up hope. % +"You'll never be the man your mother was!" +% You'll never see all the places, or read all the books, but fortunately, they're not all recommended. % @@ -45717,6 +62048,9 @@ Your aim is high and to the right. % Your aims are high, and you are capable of much. % +Your analyst has you mixed up with another patient. Don't believe a +thing he tells you. +% Your best consolation is the hope that the things you failed to get weren't really worth having. % @@ -45736,6 +62070,9 @@ Your computer account is overdrawn. Please reauthorize. % Your computer account is overdrawn. Please see Big Brother. % +Your conscience never stops you from doing anything. It just stops you +from enjoying it. +% Your Co-worker Could Be a Space Alien, Say Experts ...Here's How You Can Tell Many Americans work side by side with space aliens who look human -- but you @@ -45773,6 +62110,8 @@ Your domestic life may be harmonious. % Your education begins where what is called your education is over. % +Your fault: core dumped +% Your files are now being encrypted and thrown into the bit bucket. EOF % @@ -45849,12 +62188,20 @@ Your heart is pure, and your mind clear, and your soul devout. % Your ignorance cramps my conversation. % +Your life would be very empty if you had nothing to regret. +% Your love life will be happy and harmonious. % Your love life will be... interesting. % Your lover will never wish to leave you. % +Your lucky color has faded. +% +Your lucky number has been disconnected. +% +Your lucky number is 3552664958674928. Watch for it everywhere. +% Your manuscript is both good and original, but the part that is good is not original and the part that is original is not good. -- Samuel Johnson @@ -45934,6 +62281,8 @@ Your talents will be recognized and suitably rewarded. Your temporary financial embarrassment will be relieved in a surprising manner. % +Your true value depends entirely on what you are compared with. +% Your wig steers the gig. -- Lord Buckley % @@ -45970,8 +62319,12 @@ You're always thinking you're gonna be the one that makes 'em act different. -- Woody Allen, "Manhattan" % +You're at the end of the road again. +% You're at Witt's End. % +You're being followed. Cut out the hanky-panky for a few days. +% You're currently going through a difficult transition period called "Life." % You're definitely on their list. @@ -45987,8 +62340,16 @@ but there are others that you're growing into. except, y'know, not green... and without all the patches of fungus." -- Swamp Thing % +You're never too old to become younger. + -- Mae West +% You're not Dave. Who are you? % +You're not drunk if you can lie on the floor without holding on. + -- Dean Martin +% +You're not my type. For that matter, you're not even my species!!! +% You're reasoning is excellent -- it's only your basic assumptions that are wrong. % @@ -46036,12 +62397,24 @@ You've always made the mistake of being yourself. % You've been Berkeley'ed! % +You've been leading a dog's life. Stay off the furniture. +% You've been telling me to relax all the way here, and now you're telling me just to be myself? -- The Return of the Secaucus Seven % +"You've got to have a gimmick if your band sucks." + -- Gary Giddens +% You've got to pity New Mexico... so far from heaven and so close to Texas. % +"You've got to think about tomorrow!" + +"TOMORROW! I haven't even prepared for *_________yesterday* yet!" +% +"Yow! Am I having fun yet?" + -- Zippy the Pinhead +% "Yow! Am I in Milwaukee?" -- Zippy the Pinhead % @@ -46051,6 +62424,8 @@ You've got to pity New Mexico... so far from heaven and so close to Texas. "Yow! Did something bad happen or am I in a drive-in movie?" -- Zippy the Pinhead % +YOW!! Everybody out of the GENETIC POOL! +% "Yow! Is this sexual intercourse yet? Is it, huh, is it?" -- Zippy the Pinhead % @@ -46074,6 +62449,9 @@ Zall's Laws: zeal, n: Quality seen in new graduates -- if you're quick. % +Zero Defects, n.: + The result of shutting down a production line. +% Zero Mostel: That's it baby! When you got it, flaunt it! Flaunt it! -- Mel Brooks, "The Producers" % @@ -46082,3 +62460,10 @@ Zeus gave Leda the bird. Zisla's Law: If you're asked to join a parade, don't march behind the elephants. % +Zounds! I was never so bethump'd with words +since I first call'd my brother's father dad. + -- William Shakespeare, "King John" +% +Zymurgy's Law of Volunteer Labor: + People are always available for work in the past tense. +% diff --git a/games/fortune/datfiles/fortunes2-o b/games/fortune/datfiles/fortunes-o similarity index 87% rename from games/fortune/datfiles/fortunes2-o rename to games/fortune/datfiles/fortunes-o index 6ae5f2d8d1..ea0e1f77e8 100644 --- a/games/fortune/datfiles/fortunes2-o +++ b/games/fortune/datfiles/fortunes-o @@ -1,6 +1,5 @@ This fortune brought to you by: -$FreeBSD: src/games/fortune/datfiles/fortunes2-o,v 1.6.2.3 2002/08/09 20:40:27 fanf Exp $ -$DragonFly: src/games/fortune/datfiles/fortunes2-o,v 1.2 2003/06/17 04:25:23 dillon Exp $ + The DragonFly BSD Project % MOUNTIES: I'm a lumberjack and I'm OK, He's a lumberjack and he's OK, @@ -44,6 +43,34 @@ Why'd she have VD? I don't know, she wouldn't say. I did something wrong, now I long for yesterday .... -- To the tune of "Yesterday" % + My Favorite Drugs [Sung to My Favorite Things] +Reefers and roach clips and papers and rollers +Cocaine and procaine for twenty year molars +Reds and peyote to work out your bugs +These are a few of my favorite drugs. + +Uppers and downers and methedrine freakout +Take some amphetamines, watch your brains leak out +Acid and mescaline pull out your plugs +These are a few of my favorite drugs. + +Backs that are perfect for carrying monkeys +Users of heroin, often called junkies +Methadone helps then to stop being thugs +Takes them off one of my favorite drugs. + + On a bad trip + When the cops come + When I lose my head + I simply take more of my favorite drugs + And then I'm not sad -- I'm dead! +% + NEW ADDITION TO THE LIBRARY: +"Sally", the department's new inflatable doll, is available on a +short-term removal basis only -- please sign her out and return her +promptly to avoid extended waits. (We are still awaiting shipment of +our "Big John" doll.) +% THE CHURCH OF COUNTERFACTUAL BELIEF An amalgamation of the Creation Science Research Foundation and the Flat Earth @@ -85,6 +112,18 @@ Nothing to eat? Testicles, testicles, said Daddy. A man gets tired of testicles. -- L.L. Zeiger % + ... But among the children of the Great Society there were +those whose skins were black. And lo! Their portion was niggardly, +and of the fatted calf they were sucking hind teat.... + Now it came to pass that a prophet rose up amongst them, and +they called him King. And he went unto Pharaoh and said, "Let my +people go to the front of the bus." + But Pharaoh answered: "In the fullness of time and with all +deliberate speed shall this thing come to pass. When ye shall prove +yourselves worthy, shall ye have your just portion -- yea, verily, like +unto a snowball in Hell." + -- "The Begatting of a President" +% A bear and a rabbit are taking a crap in the woods. The bear looks over at the rabbit and asks, "Say, does shit ever stick to your fur?" "No." @@ -147,7 +186,7 @@ you explain a thing like that to a seven-year-old child?" % A great American Olympic wrestler was receiving last-minute advice from his coach about the upcoming match with the Soviet Champion. - "This Russian guy is really good, very strong and quick. But I think + "This Russian guy is really good, very strong and quick. But I think you can take him. Remember, though, like I've told you before, don't let him get you in the Pretzel hold. With his strength you'd never get out." The American leaps onto the mat, and within moments the two behemoths @@ -161,7 +200,7 @@ scream and the two wrestlers fly apart, the American regaining control and pinning the Russian. After the match, in the dressing room, the coach finally gets the winner alone. "Great job! But how the hell did you get out of the Pretzel Hold? I thought it was over for sure!" - "Well, I did too. I was in the hold, about to be pinned, when I saw + "Well, I did too. I was in the hold, about to be pinned, when I saw this huge pair of testicles hanging right in front of my eyes. I figured what the hell, so I stretched forward and bit them as hard as I could. Coach, you just don't know your own strength 'til you've bitten your own balls!" @@ -489,6 +528,12 @@ remains of her cat. As she boarded the bus, she whispered to the driver, The driver pointed to the woman in the seat behind him and said, "Sit with my wife. You two have a lot in common." % + And Jesus said unto them, "And whom do you say that I am?" + They replied, "You are the eschatological manifestation of the +ground of our being, the ontological foundation of the context of our +very selfhood revealed." + And Jesus replied, "What?" +% Are you a Young Urban Professional Woman? If so, you know how Yuppie women are; cold, ruthless bitches with no time for love, and only an occasional weekend for sex. Your one "hot date" with Joe Fastrack, @@ -723,6 +768,18 @@ and the baby would have my name!" we sat up all night talkin' and talkin' and finally decided it would be better to have a bastard in the family than a lawyer." % + "God built a compelling sex drive into every creature, no +matter what style of fucking it practiced. He made sex irresistibly +pleasurable, wildly joyous, free from fears. He made it innocent +merriment. + "Needless to say, fucking was an immediate smash hit. Everyone +agreed, from aardvarks to zebras. All the jolly animals -- lions and +lambs, rhinoceroses and gazelles, skylarks and lobsters, even insects, +though most of them fuck only once in a lifetime -- fucked along +innocently and merrily for hundreds of millions of years. Maybe they +were dumb animals, but they knew a good thing when they had one." + -- Alan Sherman, "The Rape of the A*P*E*" +% Harry was delighted when he found a young woman who accepted his proposal of marriage as he was pretty sensitive about his artificial leg and afraid that no one would have him. In fact, he couldn't bring himself @@ -787,6 +844,28 @@ bricks." "Well, last night when she sat on my face, I couldn't hear the stereo." % + In the beginning was the DEMO Project. And the Project was +without form. And darkness was upon the staff members thereof. So +they spake unto their Division Head, saying, "It is a crock of shit, +and it stinks." + + And the Division Head spake unto his Department Head, saying, +"It is a crock of excrement and none may abide the odor thereof." Now, +the Department Head spake unto his Directorate Head, saying, "It is a +container of excrement, and is very strong, such that none may abide +before it." And it came to pass that the Directorate Head spake unto +the Assistant Technical Director, saying, "It is a vessel of fertilizer +and none may abide by its strength." + + And the assistant Technical Director spake thus unto the +Technical Director, saying, "It containeth that which aids growth and +it is very strong." And, Lo, the Technical Director spake then unto +the Captain, saying, "The powerful new Project will help promote the +growth of the Laboratories." + + And the Captain looked down upon the Project, and He saw that +it was Good! +% It seems there were two young Marines walking down the street, and they chanced upon a lady who was both very proper and very well endowed. One of them said, "Wow! What tits! Hey lady, would I love to snuggle up with @@ -1009,6 +1088,10 @@ So down he swooped, and feathers flew, and the next thing seen is the duck tottering to the cliffside and shouting: "I'M A DRAKE! THERE'S BEEN A MISTAKE! AND I DON'T LIKE IT!!! % + Overheard in a bar: +Man: "Hey, Baby, I'd sure like to get in your pants!" +Woman: "No, thanks, I've already got one ass-hole in there now." +% People who claim to know jackrabbits will tell you they are primarily motivated by Fear, Stupidity and Craziness. But I have spent enough time in jackrabbit country to know that most of them lead pretty dull lives; they are @@ -1130,6 +1213,31 @@ coffee?" answered the gentleman, rather shortly. "I know", replied the beggar, "but coffee always makes me horny." % + The big problem with pornography is defining it. You can't +just say it's pictures of people naked. For example, you have these +primitive African tribes that exist by chasing the wildebeest on foot, +and they have to go around largely naked, because, as the old tribal +saying goes: "N'wam k'honi soit qui mali," which means, "If you think +you can catch a wildebeest in this climate and wear clothes at the same +time, then I have some beach front property in the desert region of +Northern Mali that you may be interested in." + So it's not considered pornographic when National Geographic +publishes color photographs of these people hunting the wildebeest +naked, or pounding one rock onto another rock for some primitive reason +naked, or whatever. But if National Geographic were to publish an +article entitled "The Girls of the California Junior College System +Hunt the Wildebeest Naked," some people would call it pornography. But +others would not. And still others, such as the Spectacularly Rev. +Jerry Falwell, would get upset about seeing the wildebeest naked. + -- Dave Barry, "Pornography" +% + The defense attorney was hammering away at the plaintiff: "You +claim," he jeered, "that my client came at you with a broken bottle in +his hand. But is it not true, that you had something in YOUR hand?" + + "Yes," he admitted, "his wife. Very charming, of course, but +not much good in a fight." +% The famous Nell Gwynn, stepping one day from a house where she had made a short visit into her coach, saw a great crowd assembled, and her footman all bloody and dirty; the fellow being asked by his mistress, the @@ -1141,6 +1249,14 @@ every day of your life; why, you fool, all the world knows it." the coach door, "they shan't call me a whore's footman for all that." -- Henry Fielding, "Tom Jones" % + The Gray-haired Woman's Complaint + +My back aches, my pussy is sore; +I simply can't fuck any more; + I'm covered with sweat, + And you haven't come yet, +And my God, it's a quarter to four! +% The man standing at the bar (in court, unfortunately) was well- dressed, alert and obviously intelligent. The judge asked him how he pleaded to the charge of rape and, much to the magistrate's surprise, he @@ -1174,14 +1290,14 @@ I use the tongs." the week. As he approaches the Jones' house, Mrs. Jones greets him warmly at the door. "Please come in! We're very grateful for your years of service to us and our neighborhood. I've prepared something special for you." - In walks the mailman, to a graciously appointed dining room, where + In walks the mailman, to a graciously appointed dining room, where Mrs. Jones has prepared a sumptuous lunch. After dumping his letter satchel on the couch, he and Mrs. Jones have a charming meal. As the mailman finished his last glass of wine, thanking his hostess profusely, she stops him from leaving and disappears upstairs. She returns in a moment, in a daring negligee, and takes the astonished postman to the bedroom, where the elaborate farewell is consummated between the sheets. - As he's putting his pants on, Mrs. Jones reaches into her nightstand, + As he's putting his pants on, Mrs. Jones reaches into her nightstand, pulls out a dollar bill, and hands it to him. Reacting to his astonished look, she says, "Well, I told my husband that you were retiring and that we should do something for you. He said 'Fuck him. Give him a dollar!'" @@ -1261,6 +1377,24 @@ The girl's mother was surprised to see her home so early, and asked, "What's wrong, dear, didn't you have a nice time tonight?" "Wousy," said the girl. % + Them Toad Suckers + +How 'bout them toad suckers, ain't they clods? +Sittin' there suckin' them green toady frogs! + +Suckin' them hop toads, suckin' them chunkers, +Suckin' them a leapy type, suckin' them flunkers. + +Look at them toad suckers, ain't they snappy? +Suckin' them bog frogs sure make's 'em happy! + +Them hugger mugger toad suckers, way down south, +Stickin' them sucky toads in they mouth! + +How to be a toad sucker, no way to duck it, +Get yourself a toad, rear back, and suck it! + -- Mason Williams +% There are two couples that want to convert to Catholicism. They go and see a priest and he tells them that the first requirement is to abstain from sex for thirty days. @@ -1413,6 +1547,17 @@ deliver this message to the huge, burly driver, whose response was to snarl, "Phil," said Larry, coming back to their car, "I think we're going to be able to settle out of court." % + Two little kids, aged six and eight, decide it's time to learn +how to swear. So, the eight-year-old says to the six-year-old, "Okay, +you say `ass' and I'll say `hell'". + All excited about their plan, they troop downstairs, where +their mother asks them what they'd like for breakfast. + "Aw, hell," says the eight-year-old, "gimme some Cheerios." +His mother backhands him off the stool, sending him bawling out of the +room, and turns to the younger brother. "What'll you have?" + "I dunno," quavers the six-year-old, "but you can bet your ass +it ain't gonna be Cheerios." +% Two longtime friends sipped Scotch in a local bar and talked about their troubles. "And on top of everything else," said the first, "my wife has cut me down to just once a week." @@ -1476,6 +1621,19 @@ the man turned to his wife and said, "Honey, pass the damn ham." Their son looked up, surprised. "WHOAH! Dad be gettin' hip! How 'bout them mother-fuckin' potatoes?" % + "What the hell are you getting so upset about? I thought you +didn't believe in God." + "I don't," she sobbed, bursting violently into tears, "but the +God I don't believe in is a good God, a just God, a merciful God. He's +not the mean and stupid God you make Him out to be." + -- Joseph Heller, "Catch-22" +% + When the surgeon came to see her on the morning after her +operation, the young woman asked her somewhat hesitantly how long it +would be before she could resume her sex life. "I really haven't +thought about it," gulped the stunned surgeon. "You're the first +patient who's asked me that after a tonsillectomy!" +% While visiting our country, a lovely French maiden found herself out of money just as her visa expired. Unable to pay her passage back to France, she was in despair until an enterprising sailor made her a sporting @@ -1508,6 +1666,19 @@ up in the bar last night?" "Lord, I must have been tight!" "Not any more." % + The Split-Atom Blues + +Gimme Twinkies, gimme wine, + Gimme jeans by Calvin Kline.... +But if you split those atoms fine, + Mama keep 'em off those genes of mine! + +Gimme zits, take my dough, + Gimme arsenic in my jelly roll.... +Call the devil and sell my soul, + But Mama keep dem atoms whole! + -- Milo Bloom, "Bloom County" +% ... and no philosophy, sadly, has all the answers. No matter how assured we may be about certain aspects of our belief, there are always painful inconsistencies, exceptions, and contradictions. This is true in religion @@ -1527,6 +1698,44 @@ is perfectly aware of it. Some Christians, alas, resort to formal lying to obscure such reality. -- Steve Allen % +... And then there's the guy who bought 20,000 bras, cut them in half, +and sold 40,000 yamalchas with chin straps.... +% +... But the reward of a successful collaboration is a thing that cannot +be produced by either of the parties working alone. It is akin to the +benefits of sex with a partner, as opposed to masturbation. The latter +is fun, but you show me anyone who has gotten a baby from playing with +him or herself, and I'll show you an ugly baby, with just a whole bunch +of knuckles. + -- Harlan Ellison +% +... Let me tell you who the actual "front-runners" are. On one side, +you have George Bush, who is currently going through a sort of +fraternity hazing wherein he has to perform a series of humiliating +stunts to win the approval of the Republican Right. For example, they +had him make a speech oozing praise all over William Loeb, deceased +publisher of the Manchester (N.H.) Union Leader and Slime Journalist. +Loeb had dumped viciously all over George in the 1980 New Hampshire +primary. But when the Right held a big tribute for Loeb, George came +back to the fold, like a man with a bungee cord wrapped around his +neck. + -- Dave Barry, "The Twinkie and the Squid" +% +... So this is a very confusing situation, and what makes it even worse +is, our standards keep changing. Take Playboy magazine. Back in the +1950s, when I started reading it strictly for the articles, Playboy was +considered just about the raciest thing around, even though all it ever +showed was women's breasts. Granted, any given one of these breasts +would have provided adequate shelter for a family of four, but the +overall effect was no more explicit than many publications we think +nothing of today, such as Sports Illustrated's Annual Nipples Poking +Through Swimsuits Issue. + -- Dave Barry, "Pornography" +% +... The Father, the Son and the Holy Ghost would never throw the Devil +out of Heaven as long as they still need him as a fourth for bridge. + -- Letter in NEW LIBERTARIAN NOTES #19 +% ... which the Minstrel was supposed by some authorities to have composed beneath the gibbet at Elsdon on the occasion of his hanging, drawing and quartering for misguidedly climbing into bed with Sir Oswald Capheughton's @@ -1702,6 +1911,10 @@ your balls. % 69 + 69 = dinner for 4. % +71: + 69 with two fingers up your ass. + -- George Carlin +% 7:30, Channel 5: The Bionic Dog (Action/Adventure) The Bionic Dog drinks too much and kicks over the National Redwood Forest. @@ -1769,6 +1982,12 @@ A bar patron returned from the men's room grumbling to himself. "What do you mean?" the barkeeper asked. "It's rough, it's tough, and it doesn't take shit from nobody." % +A bather whose clothing was strewed +By breezes that left her quite nude, + Saw a man come along + And, unless I'm quite wrong, +You expected this line to be lewd. +% A beachcomber of 25 had been shipwrecked on a desert island since the age of six. One day, while in search of food, he stumbled across a beautifully sensuous female lying on the beach nearly naked; she'd been washed ashore from @@ -1786,6 +2005,12 @@ beside her and proceeded to demonstrate. After they had finished, she asked how he had enjoyed it. "Great!" was the reply. "But look what it did to my clamdigger!" % +A beat schizophrenic said, "Me? +I am not I, I'm a tree." + But another, more sane, + Shouted, "I'm a Great Dane!" +And covered his pants leg with pee. +% A beautiful belle of Del Norte Is reckoned disdainful and haughty Because during the day @@ -1883,6 +2108,9 @@ Was heard to confess in her cups: Was fucking a collie -- But I got a nice price for the pups." % +A bureaucracy is like a septic tank -- all the really big shits float +to the top. +% A burlesque dancer, a pip Named Virginia, could peel in a zip; But she read science fiction @@ -1997,6 +2225,10 @@ And was soft as a little duck's fluff. % A chiseler is a man who goes stag to a wife-swapping party. % +A Christian is a man who feels repentance on Sunday for what he did on +Saturday and is going to do on Monday. + -- Thomas Ybarra +% A clergical student named Simms Hums liturgical tunes while he rims: A nice piece of ass @@ -2037,6 +2269,14 @@ Had a rather tough bug in its core. And spewed yards and yards Of illegible tape on the floor. % +A conservative is a man who believes that nothing should be done for +the first time. + -- Alfred E. Wiggam +% +A conservative is a man with two perfectly good legs who has never +learned to walk. + -- Franklin D. Roosevelt +% A contortionist hailing from Lynch Used to rent out his tool by the inch. A foot cost a quid -- @@ -2210,6 +2450,8 @@ A friend of mine received a note through the mail advising him, "If you don't stop making love to my wife, I'll kill you." The trouble is, the note wasn't signed. % +A friend with weed is a friend indeed. +% A friendly message from your Internal Revenue Service: tax time is coming again soon. Bend over. % @@ -2327,6 +2569,8 @@ A hand in a bird is worth two on 'er bush. % A hand in the bush is worth two on the bird. % +A hard man is good to find. +% A huge Rambolike fellow walked into a tavern and took a seat in the middle of the bar. After downing a double in one gulp, he glared at the six men to his right and said, "You're all no-good motherfuckers. Anyone have a problem with @@ -2501,6 +2745,8 @@ the money." tears welling up in her eyes. "Only enough to win, honey, only enough to win." % +A man needs a mistress, just to break the monogamy. +% A man never minds being in the doghouse as long as he can get his tail outside. % @@ -2606,8 +2852,19 @@ there's just one little problem." "What's that, Dad?" "They won't let you fart." % +A mathematician named Hall +Has a hexahedronical ball, + And the cube of its weight + Times his pecker's, plus eight +Is his phone number -- give him a call. +% A midget had a date with a very tall girl. It was a quiff-hanger. % +"A Mormon is a man that has the bad taste and the religion to do what a +good many other people are restrained from doing by conscientious +scruples and the police." + -- Mr. Dooley +% A mouse was sniffing around in a meadow, when an eagle swooped down, swallowed him whole, and rose up in the air again. The mouse worked his way through until his head was sticking out of the bird's asshole. @@ -2629,6 +2886,13 @@ other men replied. "Why not then?" "That's your day in the barrel." % +A Nixon [is preferable to] a Dean Rusk -- who will be passionately +wrong with a high sense of consistency. + -- J. K. Galbraith +% +A non-vegetarian anti-abortionist is a contradiction in terms. + -- Phyllis Schlafly +% A Norse god decides to assume human form, come down from Valhalla, and check out the local action. He finds himself in the piano bar of Caesar's Boardwalk Regency in Atlantic City, and sits down to sip an Acquavit or two. After a few @@ -2691,6 +2955,8 @@ daughter and says, "Well, Cindy, you've heard that word before, haven't you?" "Yes," the daughter replies, "but never in anger." % +A nymph hits you and steals your virginity. +% A pair of suburban couples who had known each other for quite some time talked it over and decided to do a little conjugal swapping. The trade was made the following evening and the newly arranged couples retired to @@ -2711,6 +2977,9 @@ the next morning, he asked the octopus, "Play it!" retorted the octopus. "I've been trying to lay it all night!" % +A person who has both feet planted firmly in the air can be safely +called a liberal. +% A policeman is walking his beat when he finds an inebriated man collapsed against a building, weeping uncontrollably and holding his car keys in his hands. He's moaning something about how "They took my car!" Seeing that @@ -2726,6 +2995,18 @@ down to the stat... Mister, your fly's unzipped and you're exposing yourself!" "Oh my God, they stole my girlfriend!" % +A pretty young lady named Vogel +Once sat herself down on a molehill. + A curious mole + Nosed into her hole -- +Ms. Vogel's ok, but the mole's ill. +% +A pretty young maiden from France +Decided she'd "just take a chance." + She let herself go + For an hour or so +And now all her sisters are aunts. +% A proctologist is a doctor who puts in a hard day at the orifice. % A programmer down in Moline @@ -2741,6 +3022,18 @@ Held classes each evening for sinners. So the vile and debased Would not be held back by beginners. % +A Puritan is someone who is deathly afraid that someone, somewhere, is +having fun. +% +A reactionary is a man whose political opinions always manage to keep +up with yesterday. +% +A remarkable race are the Persians; +They have such peculiar diversions. + They make love the whole day + In the usual way +And save up the nights for perversions. +% A retired schoolteacher finally decided that she was tired of living alone and wanted some companionship, so after a good deal of thought she decided to visit the local pet shop. The owner suggested a parrot, with which she @@ -2889,6 +3182,12 @@ that you thought Jesus was the greatest man who ever lived." "Well, actually," replies Bernie, "I do think Moses had the edge, but business is business." % +A team playing baseball in Dallas +Called the umpire blind out of malice. + While this worthy had fits + The team made eight hits +And a girl in the bleachers named Alice. +% A toast to the kisses you've snatched and vice-versa. % A trapper named Francois Lefebrve @@ -2921,6 +3220,18 @@ A virtuous abstinence from the joys of pederasty comes most easily to those who have no taste for it. -- Oscar Wilde % +A wanton young lady from Wimley +Reproached for not acting quite primly + Said, "Heavens above! + I know sex isn't love, +But it's such an entrancing facsimile." +% +A widow who fancied a man some +Was diddled three times in a hansom. + When she clamored for more + Her young man became sore +And exclaimed "My name's Simpson not Samson." +% A witty writer, K. Kraus in the Vienna "Fackel", has as it were, expressed this truth paradoxically in the cynical saying: "Coitus is merely an unsatisfactory substitute for onanism!" @@ -2958,6 +3269,10 @@ her mother returns they drive off. The little girl comments: "You *do*?" "Yes," said the daughter. "Because you flunked sex!" % +"A woman is like a dresser ... some man always goin' through her +drawers." + -- Blind Lemon Pledge +% A woman must be a cute, cuddly, naive little thing -- tender, sweet, and stupid. -- Adolf Hitler @@ -2982,6 +3297,12 @@ A woman's a woman until the day she dies, but a man's only a man as long as he can. -- Moms Mabley % +A worried young man from Stamboul +Founds lots of red spots on his tool. + Said the doctor, a cynic, + "Get out of my clinic; +Just wipe off the lipstick, you fool!" +% A young boy is told by his puritanical father than he should never have sex with a woman, because a woman has teeth in her vagina and will bite off his penis. @@ -3060,9 +3381,23 @@ And Carter was a farter, By God, he was a dandy, And the ship couldn't go, With chunks of rock, Carter the farter would start her! For conking in the brandy! % +Absinthe makes the tart grow fonder. +% +"Acceptance without proof is the fundamental characteristic of Western +religion, Rejection without proof is the fundamental characteristic of +Western science." + -- Gary Zukav, "The Dancing Wu Li Masters" +% AC/DC is a rock band. -- Bisexuality, 101 % +Achilles' Biological Findings: + (1) If a child looks like his father, that's heredity. If he + looks like a neighbor, that's environment. + (2) A lot of time has been wasted arguing over what came first + -- the chicken or the egg. It was undoubtedly the + rooster. +% Adam's Law: (1) Women don't know what they want; they don't like what they have got. @@ -3168,6 +3503,14 @@ Ah spring, when a fancy young man lightly turns his lover over. % AI hackers do it robotically. % +A.I. hackers do it with robots. +% +Aide to Raygun: Sir, the poor are outside protesting your budget + cuts. +Raygun himself: Tell them they'll have to help themselves. +Aide to Raygun: Sir, the Pentagon wants another $30 billion. +Raygun himself: Tell them to help themselves. +% Al Gore resembled a Vulcan desperately in need of a blow job. -- Bobcat Goldthwait % @@ -3198,6 +3541,9 @@ the popularity of this field of study in computer science. alimony, n: Having an ex you can bank on. % +All a hacker needs is a tight PUSHJ, a loose pair of UUOs, and a warm +place to shift. +% All husbands are alike, but they have different faces so you can tell them apart. % @@ -3237,6 +3583,9 @@ He swam down to the bottom, he swam up to the top, Lulu got disgusted, and flushed him down the pot. -- Princess % +All the waters of the earth are in the armpit of the Great Frog. + -- R. Crumb +% All things dull and ugly, Each little snake that poisons, All creatures short and squat, Each little wasp that stings, All things rude and nasty, He made their brutish venom, @@ -3253,6 +3602,18 @@ Putrid, foul and gangrenous, The Lord God made them all. -- Monty Python % +All things dull and ugly, All creatures short and squat, + All things rude and nasty, The Lord God made the lot; +Each little snake that poisons, Each little wasp that stings, + He made their brutish venom, He made their horrid wings. +All things sick and cancerous, All evil great and small, + All things foul and dangerous, The Lord God made them all. +Each nasty little hornet, Each beastly little squid. + Who made the spikey urchin? Who made the sharks? He did. +All things scabbed and ulcerous, All pox both great and small. + Putrid, foul and gangrenous, The Lord God made them all. + -- Monty Python's Flying Circus +% All this big deal about white collar crime -- what's WRONG with white collar crime? Who enjoys his job today? You? Me? Anybody? The only satisfying part of any job is coffee break, lunch hour and quitting time. Years ago @@ -3333,6 +3694,10 @@ being offered a piece of pussy along with it. America, I'm putting my queer shoulder to the wheel. -- Allen Ginsberg % +America is a large, friendly dog in a very small room. Every time it +wags its tail, it knocks over a chair. + -- Arnold Joseph Toynbee +% American culture is based on the automobile, and any young man of promise is going to own one and want to travel great distances in it. Consequently, any young woman of aspiration should expect to spend most of her vacations @@ -3426,6 +3791,18 @@ Saw sartorial changes ahead. Soft fruit also filled him with dread. -- J. Walker, "The Love Song Of J. Alfred Prufrock" % +An architect fellow named Yoric +Could, when feeling euphoric, + Display for selection + Three kinds of erection -- +Corinthian, ionic, and doric. +% +An Army travels on her stomach. +% +An egg has the shortest sex-life of all: it gets laid once; it gets +eaten once. It also has to come in a box with 11 others, and the only +person who will sit on its face is its mother. +% An encounter with a beautiful woman is good medicine for the well organized logical mind -- a little jolt never hurt. Note that the anarchists have been saying this for years about the A-bomb and civilization. @@ -3437,6 +3814,12 @@ Managing Director (however bizarre an ambition this may seem to anyone who has seen the Managing Director face on). -- Katherine Whitehorn, "Roundabout" % +"And Bezel saideth unto Sham: `Sham,' he saideth, `Thou shalt goest +unto the town of Begorrah, and there thou shalt fetcheth unto thine +bosom 35 talents, and also shalt thou fetcheth a like number of cubits, +provideth that they are nice and fresh.'" + -- Dave Barry, "Getting Religion" +% And do you not think that each of you women is an Eve? The judgement of God upon your sex endures today; and with it invariably endures your position of criminal at the bar of justice. @@ -3548,11 +3931,23 @@ bar. He slams his fist on the bar and hollers, "I'm so thirsty, I could lick the sweat off of a bulls' balls!" From the back of the bar comes the cry... "Moo, moo, buckaroooooo!!!" % +Anxiety, n.: + The first time you can't do it a second time. + +Panic, n.: + The second time you can't do it the first time. +% Any girl who believes that the way to a man's heart is through his stomach is obviously setting her standards too high. % Any woman is a volume if one knows how to read her. % +"Anything created must necessarily be inferior to the essence of the creator." + -- Claude Shouse + +"Einstein's mother must have been one heck of a physicist." + -- Joseph C. Wang +% Anything more than three shakes is for fun. % APL hackers take all they want. @@ -3565,6 +3960,11 @@ APPOINTMENT BOOK: December, 2004"), or when trying to figure out what the hell it was you did during the past year. % +"Approximately 80% of our air pollution stems from hydrocarbons +released by vegetation, so let's not go overboard in setting and +enforcing tough emissions standards from man-made sources." + -- Ronald Reagan +% Are there those in the land of the brave Who can tell me how I should behave When I am disgraced @@ -3608,6 +4008,8 @@ sex." know of nobody in this office who fits your criteria. We do, however, have two alcoholics." % +As Rev. Spooner would say, you are a shining wit. +% As she lay there dozing next beside me, a voice inside my head kept saying "Relax... you're not the first doctor who's ever slept with one of his patients," but another voice kept reminding me, "Howard, @@ -3721,6 +4123,17 @@ B4 I4Q, RU/18 QT 3.14 Bachelors' wives and old maids' children are always perfect. -- Nicolas Chamfort % +Back in the good ole days in Texas, when stagecoaches and the like was +popular, there were three people in a stagecoach one day: a true red- +blooded born-and-raised Texas gentleman, a tenderfoot city-slicker from +back East, and a beautiful and well-endowed Texas lady. The city- +slicker kept eyeing the lady, and finally he leaned forward and said, +"Lady, I'll give you $10 for a blow job." The Texas gentleman looked +appalled, pulled out his pistol, and killed the city-slicker on the +spot. The lady gasped and said, "Thank you, suh, for defendin' mah +honor!" Whereupon the Texan holstered his gun and said, "Your honor, +hell! No tenderfoot is gonna raise the price of women in Texas!" +% Balls Law: The angle of the dangle is directly proportional to the heat of the meat provided that the thrusts of the busts are constant. @@ -3729,6 +4142,18 @@ BALTIMORE: Where the women wear turtleneck sweaters to hide their flea collars. % +Baltimore, n.: + Where the women wear turtleneck sweaters to hide their flea +collars. +% +Bankers do it with interest (penalty for early withdrawal). +% +Be prepared... that's the Boy Scout's solemn creed. +Be prepared... to be clean in word and deed. +Don't solicit for your sister, that's not nice, +Unless you get a good percentage of her price ... + -- Tom Lehrer +% BEAT ME, BITE ME, WHIP ME, FUCK ME!!! % Beat me, bite me, whip me, fuck me, make me write bad checks! @@ -3765,6 +4190,11 @@ confess some affairs that I've had in the past." replied. "Yes, darling," she explained, "but that was a few weeks ago." % +Behold the unborn fetus and + Weep salt tears crocodilian; +All life is sacred (save, of course, + An enemy civilian). +% Beifeld's Principle: The probability of a young man meeting a desirable and receptive young female increases by pyramidical progression when he @@ -3776,8 +4206,17 @@ Being a woman is of special interest only to aspiring male transsexuals. To actual women it is merely a good excuse not to play football. -- Fran Lebowitz, "Metropolitan Life" % +Being stoned on marijuana isn't very different from being stoned on +gin. + -- Ralph Nader +% Bend over and take it like a man! % +Beneath this stone a virgin lies, +For her life held no terrors. +A virgin born, a virgin died: +No hits, no runs, no errors. +% Beneath this stone lies Murphy, They buried him today, He lived the life of Riley, @@ -3798,6 +4237,9 @@ Between two evils, I always pick the one I never tried before. % Beware of a tall dark man with a spoon up his nose. % +Beware of altruism. It is based on self-deception, the root of all +evil. +% Bi now, gay later! % Big Toe: The pad of the male big toe applied to the clitoris or the vulva @@ -3833,6 +4275,8 @@ That's all I ever hear, Ever since the dog ate the baby, "Get rida the dog, get rida the dog." % +Blessed are the meek for they shall inhibit the earth. +% Blow it out your ass! % BOHICA: @@ -3852,6 +4296,8 @@ self to try it. Bookstores will soon be stocking a volume called "The Unsensuous Census Taker". It's about a guy who comes once every ten years. % +Booze is the answer. I don't remember the question. +% Brain on vacation, penis on autopilot. % Breakfast sometime? @@ -3894,6 +4340,14 @@ brunette bush, n: bug, n: A son of a glitch. % +Build a better mousetrap, the saying goes -- and with the brassiere, +Yankee Ingenuity did exactly that. But their true stroke of genius was +the new bait. The old fashioned mousetrap was loaded with cheese; +nobody cares much about cheese, except mice. But when American +Know-How reloaded the brassiere with tits, every heterosexual male in +the country was hopelessly trapped. + -- Alan Sherman, "The Rape of the A*P*E*" +% "But if it's 80% glucose, then why does it taste salty?" -- Anonymous med school student. % @@ -3921,6 +4375,9 @@ CALIFORNIA: "fornication." Hence: Tierra de California, "the land of hot sex." -- Ed Moran, Covina, California % +"California is proud to be the home of the freeway." + -- Ronald Reagan +% Call for Ms. Lingus, Ms. Connie Lingus... % callgirl, n: @@ -3930,6 +4387,13 @@ Camille's Axiom: If you haven't asked yourself, "Why the hell did I go to college anyway?", you must be teaching. % +"Can you hammer a 6-inch spike into a wooden plank with your penis?" + +"Uh, not right now." + +"Tsk. A girl has to have some standards." + -- "Real Genius" +% Canada is so square even the female impersonators are women. -- From the movie "Outrageous" % @@ -3949,6 +4413,8 @@ Fortune updates the great quotes: #53. Candy is dandy; but liquor is quicker, and sex won't rot your teeth. % +Captain Hook died of jock itch. +% "Carefully study these two enlarged photographs on display, Mr. Rafferty," the attorney for a politician suing a newspaper for libel instructed his client on the witness stand, "and indicate which is your ass and which is @@ -3965,6 +4431,13 @@ Qui fit un petit mannequin: Who fashioned a small doll: En effet, absolument la fin. In effect, the absolute end. -- Edward Gorey % +Champagne don't make me lazy. +Cocaine don't drive me crazy. +Ain't nobody's business but my own. + -- Taj Mahal +% +Chaste makes waste. +% Chastity: The most unnatural of the sexual perversions. -- Aldous Huxley @@ -3989,6 +4462,23 @@ yeah." He silently finished his drink and left. The bartender said, "You know, even the transvestites in this town have five o'clock shadows." % +Chipmunks roasting on an open fire +Jack Frost ripping up your nose +Yuletide carolers being thrown in the fire +And folks dressed up like buffaloes +Everybody knows a turkey slaughtered in the snow +Helps to make the season right +Tiny tots with their eyes all gouged out +Will find it hard to see tonight +They know that Santa's on his way +He's loaded lots of guns and bullets on his sleigh +And every mother's child is sure to spy +To see if reindeer really scream when they die +And so I'm offering this simple phrase +To kids from one to ninety two +Although it's been said many times, many ways +Merry Christmas, Merry Christmas, Merry Christmas, Fuck you!! +% Chorus: I don't want to join the army, I don't want to go to war, I'd rather sit around, pickin' dillies off the ground, @@ -4018,10 +4508,20 @@ CHRISTIAN: One who follows the teachings of Christ in so far as they are not inconsistent with a life of sin. % +Christian, n.: + One who believes that the New Testament is a divinely inspired +book admirably suited to the spiritual needs of his neighbor. One who +follows the teachings of Christ in so far as they are not inconsistent +with a life of sin. +% Christianity and Judaism aren't all that different, really. Growing up in a Christian family, the feeling of guilt for Man's sins comes from God. In a Jewish family, it comes from your parents. % +Christianity has not been tried and found wanting; it has been found +difficult and not tried. + -- G. K. Chesterton +% CHRISTMAS: A day set apart by some as a time for turkey, presents, cranberry salads, family get-togethers; for others, noted as having the best @@ -4043,17 +4543,52 @@ Cinderella 10: % Clark Kent is a transvestite. % +Clarke's Third Law: + Any sufficiently advanced technology is indistinguishable from +magic. + +G's Third Law: + In spite of all evidence to the contrary, the entire universe +is composed of only two basic substances: magic and bullshit. + +H's Dictum: + There is no magic... +% Claude believed that only smart attractive people had the right to fuck, and it sincerely hurt him when he discovered evidence to the contrary. -- Tom Robbins, "Jitterbug Perfume" % +Claude believed that only smart attractive people had the right to +fuck, and it sincerely hurt him when he discovered evidence to the +contrary. + -- Tom Robbins +% Cleveland still lives. God MUST be dead. % clitoris, n: A haired trigger. % +CLONE OF MY OWN (to Home on the Range) + +Oh, give me a clone +Of my own flesh and bone + With the Y chromosome changed to X. +And when she is grown, +My very own clone, + We'll be of the opposite sex. + +Chorus: + Clone, clone of my own, + With the Y chromosome changed to X. + And when we're alone, + Since her mind is my own, + She'll be thinking of nothing but sex. + -- Randall Garrett +% Close the door, let me give you what you've been waiting for!! % +Cocaine is nature's way of telling you you have too much money. +% Cocaine isn't habit forming. I should know -- I've been using it for years. -- Tallulah Bankhead % @@ -4069,6 +4604,8 @@ Coffee without caffeine. Beer without alcohol. Milk without fat. What's next? Bridal suites with bunk beds? -- Orben's Current Comedy % +Coito ergo sum +% coitus interruptus, n: A jerky movement following the words (by either sex partner) "I want to have your child." @@ -4090,6 +4627,9 @@ COLD: cold, adj: When your dog sticks to the fire hydrant. % +College is like a woman -- you work so hard to get in, and nine months +later you wish you'd never come. +% Come along and sing a song and join our family. B & D S & M @@ -4134,12 +4674,16 @@ COMMENT: six months later. Only the weak-minded need them, according to those who think they aren't. % +Communists do it without class. +% Computer scientists are programmed to do it by macro insertion. % computerfirm nymphomaniac, n: Hot Apple pie. % Condoms are like listening to a symphony with cotton in your ears. +% +Condoms are like listening to a symphony with cotton in your ears. [Taking a shower in raincoat? Ed.] % @@ -4214,6 +4758,12 @@ CHAOS: confusion, n: Father's Day in San Francisco. % +Conservative, n.: + One who admires radicals centuries after they're dead. + -- Leo C. Rosten +% +Conserve energy -- make love more slowly. +% CONSULTANT: Someone who knows 101 ways to make love, but can't get a date. % @@ -4302,6 +4852,8 @@ Sed virginem pine necebat. % Cunnilingus is next to cleanliness. % +Cunnilingus is next to godliness. +% Curiosity killed the cat, but satisfaction brought her back. % Dad," the 13-year-old boy asked, looking up from his social-studies text, @@ -4326,6 +4878,9 @@ With a clitoris reaching six inches. Dames lie about anything -- just for practice. -- Raymond Chandler % +Dammit, how many times do I have to tell you? _____FIRST you rape, ____THEN you +pillage!! +% Dammit, how many times do I have to tell you? FIRST you rape, THEN you pillage!! % @@ -4411,6 +4966,14 @@ one minister said there are 350 different sins. My husband wants to know if you can get the list. He thinks he is missing something. -- E.J. Mayfield % +Dear Lord, observe this bended knee +This visage meek and humble, +And hear this confidential plea +Voiced in reverent mumble: + Give me Shylock, give me Fagin + But O God spare me Ronald Reagan! + -- Ansel Adams +% Dear Miss Manners: Please list some tactful ways of removing a man's saliva from your face. @@ -4424,6 +4987,21 @@ however, the substance was acquired as a result of enthusiasm of a more intimate nature, you may delicately retrieve it with a flick of your pink tongue. % +"Dear Mr. Seldes: I cannot remember the exact wording of the statement +to which you allude; but what I meant was that ... a man who calls +himself a 100% American and is proud of it, is generally 150% an idiot +politically. But the designations may be good business for war +veterans. Having bled for their country in 1861 and 1918, they have +bled it all they could consequently. And why not?" + -- George Seldes, "The Great Quotations" +% +Democracy can learn some things from Communism: for example, when a +Communist politician is through, he is through. +% +Democracy means simply the bludgeoning of the people by the people for +the people. + -- Oscar Wilde +% Demonstrating once again the importance of the lowly comma, this telegram was sent from a wife to her husband: "NOT GETTING ANY, BETTER COME HOME AT ONCE." @@ -4477,6 +5055,10 @@ had found the answers to all of his questions! % Did you hear about the nearsighted fetishist who got off on the wrong foot? % +Did you hear about the new German microwave oven? + + ... Seats 500. +% Did you hear about the new sorority girl doll? You put a ring on her finger and her hips expand. % @@ -4492,6 +5074,10 @@ Found the body. Did you know that some people your age have sex thirty-seven times in a week? And die immediately after? % +Did you know that Spiro Agnew is an anagram of "Grow a Penis"? +% +Did you know that there are 71.9 acres of nipple tissue in the U.S.? +% Dig it, first they killed those pigs, then they ate dinner in the same room with them, then they even shoved a fork in a victim's stomach. Wild! -- Bernadine Dohrn, on the Manson killings @@ -4508,6 +5094,27 @@ That not much is really sacred. % Distributed Systems people do it loosely coupled. % +[District Attorneys] learn in District Attorney School that there are +two sure-fire ways to get a lot of favorable publicity: + +(1) Go down and raid all the lockers in the local high school and + confiscate 53 marijuana cigarettes and put them in a pile and hold + a press conference where you announce that they have a street value + of $850 million. These raids never fail, because ALL high schools, + including brand-new, never-used ones, have at least 53 marijuana + cigarettes in the lockers. As far as anyone can tell, the locker + factory puts them there. +(2) Raid an "adult book store" and hold a press conference where you + announce you are charging the owner with 850 counts of being a + piece of human sleaze. This also never fails, because you always + get a conviction. A juror at a pornography trial is not about to + state for the record that he finds nothing obscene about a movie + where actors engage in sexual activities with live snakes and a + fire extinguisher. He is going to convict the bookstore owner, and + vote for the death penalty just to make sure nobody gets the wrong + impression. + -- Dave Barry, "Pornography" +% DIVE!!! DIVE!!! DIVE!!! UP PERISCOPE!!! @@ -4528,9 +5135,16 @@ And stopped the bastard, The bitch that bore him is in heat again. -- Bertolt Brecht % +Do something big -- fuck a giant +% +"Do you cheat on your wife?" asked the psychiatrist. +"Who else?" answered the patient. +% Do you smoke after sex? Why, do you know, I've never looked! % +Doctors take two aspirin and do it in the morning. +% Does he treat your breasts like unripe grapefruit? Who needs him? -- `J', "The Sensuous Woman" % @@ -4559,10 +5173,17 @@ idea that I'm knocking the American system. Don't knock masturbation -- it's sex with someone I love. -- Woody Allen % +"Don't let your mouth write no check that your tail can't cash." + -- Bo Diddley +% Don't look now -- your office mate is a pederast!!! % Don't look now, but your mother is having sex with a horse. % +Dope will get you through times of no money better that money will get +you through times of no dope. + -- Gilbert Shelton +% Dope will get you through times of no money better than money will get you through times of no dope! -- Freewheelin' Franklin, "The Fabulous Furry Freak Brothers" @@ -4575,6 +5196,8 @@ But it looked like a manhole to me. % Draft beer, not boys! % +Draft beer, not people +% Dry fucking: that's man on top of woman, the action is the same as fucking, but you're dressed. It's great for the girl... you're hitting and rubbing exactly the area that you ought to be... I still like that. @@ -4619,6 +5242,8 @@ Eat prune yogurt for that "get up and go" feeling. % Eat shit and die a virgin! % +Eat the rich -- the poor are tough and stringy. +% Economists are still trying to figure out why the girls with the least principle draw the most interest. % @@ -4630,9 +5255,39 @@ Eighteen goddess-like daughters are not equal to one son with a hump. Eighty percent of married men cheat in America. The rest cheat in Europe. -- Jackie Mason % +Eisenhower was very nice, +Nixon was his only vice. + -- C. Degen +% +Eleven reasons a cucumber is better than a man: + (1) Cucumbers can stay up all night, and you won't have to + sleep in the wet spot. + (2) Cucumbers don't play the guitar and try to find + themselves. + (3) You won't find out later that your cucumber (a) is + married, (b) is on penicillin, (c) likes you -- but loves + your brother! + (4) A cucumber won't care what time of the month it is. + (5) A cucumber never wants to get it on when your nails are + wet. + (6) Cucumbers don't say "Let's keep trying until we have a + boy". + (7) Cucumbers won't tell you size doesn't count. + (8) A cucumber won't leave you for a cheerleader or an ex-nun. + (9) Cucumbers don't fall asleep on your chest or drool on the + pillow. + (10) Cucumbers don't care if you make more money than they do. + (11) With a cucumber, the toilet seat is always the way you + left it. +% embarrassment, n: Finding out your German Shepherd has the clap. % +Equality is not when a female Einstein gets promoted to assistant +professor; equality is when a female schlemiel moves ahead as fast as a +male schlemiel. + -- Ewald Nyquist +% Erogenous zone, n: The skin you touch to love. % @@ -4651,8 +5306,14 @@ Wired home for two punts, one canoe. Said, "Girls on the way, But what the hell's a `panoe'?" % +Evangelists do it with Him watching. +% Even bytes get lonely for a little bit. % +"Even nowadays a man can't step up and kill a woman without feeling +just a bit unchivalrous ..." + -- Robert Benchley +% Evening hours "all clear" for romance! (Tell mate you have to work late.) % @@ -4787,6 +5448,14 @@ Feminism, n: % Feminists just want the human race to be a tie. % +Feminists say 60 percent of the country's wealth is in the hands of +women. They're letting men hold the other 40 percent because their +handbags are full. + -- Earl Wilson +% +Fie for shame, you lascivious, lewd, lecherous, libidinous, lustful, +licentious, dirty bum!! +% Fig Newton. % Fighting for peace is like screwing for virginity. @@ -4850,6 +5519,8 @@ A circus performer named Blair, To the end of his cock, And shattered a balcony chair. % +Floppy now, hard later. +% Folks, what can I tell you about my next guest. This cat allowed himself to be adored, but not loved. And his success in show business was matched by failure in his personal relationship bag, now that's where he really @@ -4917,6 +5588,18 @@ Is the wonder drug sulfa-denial. Each part of my person, Now do something -- there's a good boy!" % +For those of you how have been looking for evidence that a working +version of "Star Wars" can be built, consider the following proof +offered by Caspar Weinberger: + + "If such a system is so unattainable, why have the Soviets been + working desperately to get it for over 17 years?" + + -- USA Today, 24 June 1986 +% +Fornication, n.: + Term used by people who don't have anybody to screw with. +% FORTUNE DISCUSSES THE DIFFERENCES BETWEEN MEN AND WOMEN: #15 Sex: @@ -5057,6 +5740,14 @@ X: The hero still gets the girl in the end, but he's never sure which end it will be. XXX: Everybody gets the girl. % +Fortune's Real-Life Courtroom Quote #25: + +Q: You say you had three men punching at you, kicking you, raping you, + and you didn't scream? +A: No ma'am. +Q: Does that mean you consented? +A: No, ma'am. That means I was unconscious. +% Fortune's Rules for Memo Wars: #1 Any attempt to say that someone's personal beliefs are wrong, even if @@ -5177,6 +5868,10 @@ foot of the bed, he felt a tug at his trouser leg. Glancing down, he saw another female even homelier than the one he'd left in bed. She gazed up at him soulfully, and asked, "Nothing for the bridesmaid?" % +George Washington not only chopped down his father's cherry tree, but +he also admitted doing it. Now, do you know why his father didn't +punish him? Because George still had the axe in his hand. +% GEORGIA: Where kinky sex means getting laid. % @@ -5202,13 +5897,16 @@ I'm too hot, too hot for you. I'm the queen of babes supreme, But you'll only see me in you dreams. "Well? What'd she say??" I'm too hot, too hot for you. "Well, she didn't say no..." - -- Barry and the Bookbinders, "The Worst She Can Say is No" + -- Barry and the Bookbinders, "The Worst She Can Say is No" % GET OFF THE FUCKING SYSTEM THIS INSTANT, YOU ASSHOLE!!!! % Get your bytes from our backend! -- Britton Lee % +Getting an education at the University of California is like having +$50.00 shoved up your ass, a nickel at a time. +% Getting Cheryl to shed her apparel Is like shooting goldfish in a barrel. But her genital area @@ -5282,6 +5980,31 @@ maintainers). Go out with girls Dutch treat -- pay for dinner, drinks, and the movie, and the rest of the evening is on her. % +Go to Heaven for the climate, Hell for the company. + -- Mark Twain +% +God gives us relatives; thank goodness we can chose our friends. +% +God is an atheist. +% +GOD is applied POWER + which is applied GOVERNMENT + which is applied POLITICS + which is applied ADVERTISING + which is applied SOCIOLOGY + which is applied PSYCHOLOGY + which is applied BIOLOGY + which is applied CHEMISTRY + which is applied PHYSICS + which is applied MATH + which is applied PHILOSOPHY + which is applied BULLSHIT +% +"God is as real as I am," the old man said. My faith was restored, for +I knew that Santa would never lie. +% +"God is big, so don't fuck with him." +% God is not dead -- he's been busted. % God is omnipotent, omniscient, and omnibenevolent -- it says so right here @@ -5290,6 +6013,23 @@ divine attributes simultaneously, I have a wonderful bargain for you. No checks, please. Cash and in small bills. -- Lazarus Long % +God isn't dead -- he's been busted. +% +God isn't dead, He's just trying to avoid the draft. +% +God must love assholes -- She made so many of them. +% +God wanted to have a holiday, so He asked St. Peter for suggestions on +where to go. + "Why not go to Jupiter?" asked St. Peter. + "No, too much gravity, too much stomping around," said God. + "Well, how about Mercury?" + "No, it's too hot there." + "Okay," said St. Peter, "What about Earth?" + "No," said God, "They're such horrible gossips. When I was +there 2000 years ago, I had an affair with a Jewish woman, and they're +still talking about it." +% God wants us to know that if we see a bumper sticker saying "Honk if you love Jesus" it is a bad idea to honk to express an opinion about Jesus because it will annoy the turkey who put the bumper sticker on as well as everyone else @@ -5346,6 +6086,8 @@ Don't both tie yourselves, even if you can manage it -- you might not be able to get loose. -- The Joy of Sex % +Good day for water sports. Take a bath with a friend. +% Good evening Ladies and Gentlemen! Here's a little number I tossed up in the Carribean recently... @@ -5390,6 +6132,14 @@ Gorbachev threw up the sash and again addressed the sun, "Good evening to you, Comrade Sun!". Once more the great voice boomed out, "Fuck you, asshole! I'm in the West now!" % +Grain grows best in shit. + -- Ursula K. LeGuin +% +Gravity is an unforgiving motherfucker. +% +Great Lover, n.: + A man who can breathe through his ears. +% Gross, adj.: When your bloody mary still has the string in it. % @@ -5405,8 +6155,23 @@ HACKER: % Hackers do it bottom-up. % +Hackers do it with all sorts of characters. +% +Hackers do it with bugs. +% +Hackers do it with fewer instructions. +% Hackers have kernel knowledge. % +Hackers know all the right MOVs. +% +Haggis, n.: + Haggis is a kind of stuff black pudding eaten by the Scots and +considered by them to be not only a delicacy but fit for human +consumption. The minced heart, liver and lungs of a sheep, calf or +other animal's inner organs are mixed with oatmeal, sealed and boiled +in maw in the sheep's intestinal stomach-bag and ... Excuse me a minute ... +% Half the posts to this group are about masturbation and the other half are about penis size. And what I want to know is, if all you're doing is jerking off, why do you care how big it is? @@ -5432,6 +6197,15 @@ Hangover, n: HAPPINESS: Having your Herpes (Type II) test come back negative. % +Hardly a pure science, history is closer to animal husbandry than it is +to mathematics, in that it involves selective breeding. The principal +difference between the husbandryman and the historian is that the +former breeds sheep or cows or such, and the latter breeds (assumed) +facts. The husbandryman uses his skills to enrich the future; the +historian uses his to enrich the past. Both are usually up to their +ankles in bullshit. + -- Tom Robbins +% Harold had never wanted a woman so much in his life, upon overhearing the 22- year-old beauty remark that he was too old and out of shape for her. The determined septuagenarian immediately embarked upon a rigorous self-improvement @@ -5521,6 +6295,14 @@ He lights up the proceedings, And raises the temperature. -- The Birthday Party, "Sonny's Burning" % +Having discovered the possibility that other creatures could be used +for sexual intercourse, early man was likely to have made many such +attempts ... though it is doubtful that he was so sexually carnivorous +as the Christian and Jewish Adam, who, rabbinical interpreters of the +Old Testament tell us, had intercourse with every creature before God +finally hit upon the idea of woman and created Eve. + -- R. E. Masters +% Having lost his potency years before, the octogenarian was desperate to satisfy his new 18-year-old wife. He visited a gypsy woman with magical powers. @@ -5567,6 +6349,8 @@ But what was that bulge, small, oblong, solid, that might have been, say, a pocket camera? -- An Exciting Journey % +"He could be a poster child for retroactive birth control." +% He dove down overweighted with lead. Passed one hundred and flat lost his head. He flapped and he flailed, @@ -5613,6 +6397,12 @@ great!" The man replied, "Man, it ain't nothin'! You shoulda been here a week ago and seen the guy with the chicken!" % +He hated to mend, so young Ned +Called in a cute neighbor instead. + Her husband said, "Vi, + When you stitched up his torn fly, +Did you have to bite off the thread?" +% He played smooch and stinkfinger with Daisy Till this virgin was gotch-eyed and hazy. Then his gargantuan pole in @@ -5632,8 +6422,19 @@ He was the world's only armless sculptor. He put the chisel in his mouth and his wife hit him on the back of the head with a mallet. -- Fred Allen % +He wasn't much of an actor, he wasn't much of a Governor -- Hell, they +_H_A_D to make him President of the United States. It's the only job he's +qualified for! + -- Michael Cain +% He who farts in church must sit in his own pew. % +He who findeth sensuous pleasures in the bodies of lush, hot, pink +damsels is not righteous, but he can have a lot more fun. +% +He who sneezes without a handkerchief takes matters into his own +hands. +% He who trains his tongue to quote the learned sages, will be known far and wide as a smart ass. -- Howard Kandel @@ -6014,9 +6815,29 @@ Had morals the city might soften. Are you living in sin?" Lynn said, "No -- but I visit there often." % +Her figure described a set of parabolas that could cause cardiac arrest +in a yak. + -- Woody Allen +% +Her kisses left something to be desired -- the rest of her. +% Here I sit, my cheeks a flexin', Just gave birth to another Texan. % +Here is the problem: for many years, the Supreme Court wrestled with +the issue of pornography, until finally Associate Justice John Paul +Stevens came up with the famous quotation about how he couldn't define +pornography, but he knew it when he saw it. So for a while, the +court's policy was to have all the suspected pornography trucked to +Justice Stevens' house, where he would look it over. "Nope, this isn't +it," he'd say. "Bring some more." This went on until one morning when +his housekeeper found him trapped in the recreation room under an +enormous mound of rubberized implements, and the court had to issue a +ruling stating that it didn't know what the hell pornography was except +that it was illegal and everybody should stop badgering the court about +it because the court was going to take a nap. + -- Dave Barry, "Pornography" +% Here's a toast to Screwy Dick, The man who was born with a corkscrew prick. He spent his life in a futile hunt, @@ -6024,6 +6845,19 @@ To find a woman with a spiral cunt. And when he did, he dropped stone dead, 'Cause the blasted thing had a left-hand thread! % +"Here's the holiday schedule for Monday's observation of Martin Luther +King Jr.'s birthday, when the following will be closed: + + * Governmental offices + * Post offices + * Libraries + * Schools + * Banks + * Parts of Palm Beach + +and the mind of Senator Jesse Helms of North Carolina." + -- Dennis Miller, "Saturday Night Live" +% Here's to the girl in little red shoes, She drinks my liquor, she drinks my booze, She has no cherry, but that's no sin, @@ -6066,6 +6900,18 @@ read satisfaction guaranteed, or your virginity returned intact. He's learned about 50% of the rules of sex and conversation; he knows how to stick it in, but not how to stick it out. % +"He's not pining, he's passed on! This parrot won't squawk! He's +ceased to be! He's expired, and gone to meet his maker! It's a +stiff! No breath of life, he may rest in peace! If you hadn't nailed +him to the perch, he'd be pushing up the daisies! He's off the twig! +He's kicked the bucket! He's curled up his tooties! He's shuffled off +this mortal world! He's run down the curtain, and joined the bleed'n +Choir Invincible! HE'S FUCKING SNUFFED IT! Vis-a-vi his metabolic +processes is head is lost. All statements concerning this parrot is no +longer a going concern, after from now on, Inoperative... + + THIS IS AN EX-PARROT!!" +% Hey baby! How 'bout a brutal face fuck? % @@ -6144,6 +6990,11 @@ Jewish, when the sun's real name is Sol? % How come if you're horny it's lust, but if she's horny it's affection? % +"How do you like the new America? We've cut the fat out of the +government, and more recently the heart and brain (the backbone was +gone some time ago). All we seem to have left now is muscle. We'll be +lucky to escape with our skins!" +% How should they answer? -- Abigail Van Buren (Dear Abby) in reply to the question "Why do Jews always answer a question with a question?" @@ -6157,6 +7008,11 @@ HOW TO REMOVE STAINS -- #28 be sure to turn the power off if you have to clean between the keys. % +Howard Cosell's biggest protrusion is his asshole. + -- John Valby +% +Hugh Hefner is a virgin. +% Hunters make the best lovers; they go deeper into the bush, shoot more often and *always* eat what they shoot. % @@ -6165,6 +7021,12 @@ Hypocrisy is the vaseline of social intercourse. hypocrite, n: A man who says he likes cats, but won't eat pussy. % +I am an atheist, thank God! +% +I believe that Ronald Reagan will someday make this country what it +once was ... an arctic wilderness. + -- Steve Martin +% I bet you think you're pretty cool driving around without auto insurance. You're probably saying to yourself, "I'm beating the system." But what's going to happen when you get pulled over and lose your license because @@ -6185,6 +7047,8 @@ about Communism. We can't restrain him when he's angry -- and he has his hand on the nuclear button." -- Richard Nixon % +I came; I saw; I fucked up. +% I can understand companionship. I can understand bought sex in the afternoon. I cannot understand the love affair. -- Gore Vidal @@ -6295,6 +7159,16 @@ years old, blind in one eye, and carried a stuffed alligator labeled "Made in Taiwan". -- The Stunt Man % +I have a funny daddy +Who goes in and out with me +And everything that baby does +Daddy's sure to see, +And everything that baby says, +My daddy's sure to tell. +You _m_u_s_t have read my daddy's verse. +I hope he fries in Hell. + -- Ogden Nash +% "I have credit with this madam who runs a string of super callgirls," the executive reminisced at his club bar, "but when I got the bill for the great head session one of them pleasured me with, I must say that @@ -6355,6 +7229,8 @@ I know why the sun never sets on the British Empire -- God wouldn't trust an Englishman in the dark. -- Duncan Spaeth % +I love this fucking University, and this University loves fucking me. +% I married an Italian girl; the way you marry an Italian girl in my family is to bring a New Yorker home first. % @@ -6394,6 +7270,12 @@ Seven times while the Dean was out skiin'. "Not bad for the laiety, Though the Bishop once managed thirteen." % +I once met a lassie named Ruth +In a long distance telephone booth. + Now I know the perfection + Of an ideal connection +Even if somewhat uncouth. +% I once was annoyed by a queer Who made his intentions quite clear. Said I, "I'm no prude, @@ -6405,11 +7287,25 @@ I only date queers. [I'm not queer, but my boyfriend is! Ed.] % +"I own my own body, but I share." +% I played over the music of that scoundrel Brahms. What a giftless bastard! It annoys me that this self-inflated mediocrity is hailed as a genius. Why, in comparison with him, Riff is a genius. -- Tchaikovsky, October 9, 1886, diary entry % +I realize that today you have a number of top female athletes such as +Martina Navratilova who can run like deer and bench-press Chevrolet +trucks. But to be brutally frank, women as a group have a long way to +go before they reach the level of intensity and dedication to sports +that enables men to be such incredible jerks about it. + -- Dave Barry, "Sports is a Drag" +% +I regret to say that we of the F.B.I. are powerless to act in cases of +oral-genital intimacy, unless it has in some way obstructed interstate +commerce. + -- J. Edgar Hoover +% I shot a query into the net. I haven't got an answer yet, A posted message called me rotten But seven people gave me hell For ignoring mail I'd never gotten; @@ -6430,11 +7326,18 @@ I think any man in business would be foolish to fool around with his secretary. If it's somebody else's secretary, fine. -- Barry Goldwater % +I think every good Christian ought to kick Falwell right in the ass. + -- Barry Goldwater +% I think every good Christian ought to kick Falwell's ass. -- Senator Barry Goldwater, commenting on Jerry Falwell's suggestion that all good Christians should be against Sandra Day O'Connor's nomination to the Supreme Court % +I think pop music has done more for oral intercourse than anything else +that has ever happened, and vice versa. + -- Frank Zappa +% I think the Mormon prophet Was a very funny man. I wonder how his wives enjoyed @@ -6443,6 +7346,22 @@ His Prophet Sharing Plan. I thought Jackie O. was something you did in the bathroom. -- Strange de Jim % +I walked on toward Ploughwright, thinking about feces. What a lot we +had found out about the prehistoric past from the study of fossilized +dung of long-vanished animals. A miraculous thing, really; a recovery +from the past from what was carelessly rejected. And in the Middle +Ages, how concerned people who lived close to the world of nature were +with the feces of animals. And what a variety of names they had for +them: the Crotels of a Hare, the Friants of a Boar, the Spraints of +an Otter, the Werderobe of a Badger, the Waggying of a Fox, the Fumets +of a Deer. Surely there might be some words for the material so near +to the heart of Ozy Froats [an academic studying feces] than shit? +What about the Problems of a President, the Backward Passes of a +Footballer, the Deferrals of a Dean, the Odd Volumes of a Librarian, +the Footnotes of a Ph.D., the Low Grades of a Freshman, the Anxieties +of an Untenured Professor? + -- Robertson Davies, "The Rebel Angels" +% I want a girl that can swallow my pride. -- Frank Zappa, "Jewish Princess" % @@ -6521,8 +7440,18 @@ I'm a great connoisseur of hot cunts. I've met none like your wife, So why leave her to me, you big dunce? % +I would like to suggest that you not use speed, and here's why: it is +going to mess up your heart, mess up your liver, your kidneys, rot out +your mind. In general this drug will make you just like your mother +and father. + -- Frank Zappa +% I wouldn't fuck her with your prick. % +I wouldn't mind dying -- it's that business of having to stay dead that +scares the shit out of me. + -- R. Geis +% I'd like to give the world a hug And tell it jokes and stuff And pull its pants down to its knees @@ -6534,6 +7463,9 @@ Then leave it out at Moose Grin Hall With our cousin who's deranged ... -- National Lampoon, to an old Coke commercial % +I'd like to meet the man who invented sex and see what he's working on +now. +% "I'd like to start a new religion. One that doesn't use a dead young man as its logo." -- Bill Cain, "Stand Up Tragedy" @@ -6546,9 +7478,25 @@ Makes me terribly sad when it goes. % I'd walk a mile for a Camel, two for a hump. % +If a child annoys you, quiet him by brushing his hair. If this doesn't +work, use the other side of the brush on the other end of the child. +% +If all these sweet young things were laid end-to-end, I wouldn't be a +bit surprised. + -- Dorothy Parker +% +"If anyone wants to trade a couple of centrally located, well-cushioned +showgirls for an eroded slope 90 minutes from Broadway, I'll be on this +corner tomorrow at 11 with my tongue hanging out." + -- S. J. Perelman +% If being bi increases your chance of getting a date, does being poly increase your chance of getting dumped? % +If clear thinking created sparks, we could safely store dynamite in +James Watt's office. + -- Wayne Shannon, KRON-TV +% If continence causes neurosis And intercourse causes thrombosis I'd rather expire @@ -6568,9 +7516,16 @@ If God had meant for us to have group sex, he'd have given us more organs. If God had wanted people to give blow jobs, he wouldn't have given them teeth. % +"If God had wanted us to use the metric system, Jesus would have had 10 +apostles." +% If God hadn't intended man to eat pussy, would He have made it look like a taco? % +If guns are outlawed, how will we shoot the liberals? +% +If Helen Keller is alone in a forest and falls, does she make a sound? +% If I could reach, I'd never leave the house. -- George Carlin % @@ -6618,10 +7573,12 @@ lost, why they'll think someone *else* is broken! And if 1Gb of mail gets lost, they'll just *know* that Arpa [ucbarpa.berkeley.edu] is down and think it's a conspiracy to keep them from their God given right to receive Net Mail ... - -- Casey Leedom + -- Casey Leedom % If life's a piece of shit, Calculus III is the spoon. % +If men could get pregnant, abortion would be a sacrament. +% If men couldn't fuck there'd be a bounty on their heads. % If only is was as easy to banish hunger by rubbing the belly as it is to @@ -6631,8 +7588,20 @@ masturbate. If Presidents don't do it to their wives, they do it to the country. -- Mel Brooks % +If Reagan is the answer, it must have been a VERY silly question. +% If sex is a pain in the ass, you may be doing it wrong. % +If someone were to ask me for a short cut to sensuality, I would +suggest he go shopping for a used 427 Shelby-Cobra. But it is only +fair to warn you that of the 300 guys who switched to them in 1966, +only two went back to women. + -- Mort Sahl +% +If the American dream is for Americans only, it will remain our dream +and never be our destiny. + -- Ren'e de Visme Williamson +% If they can't take a joke, then fuck 'em. If they can, then fuck 'em. % @@ -6641,6 +7610,30 @@ If thy dick offends thee, whack it off. % If women ran the military complex, would the missiles be shaped differently? % +If you can believe ten impossible things before breakfast, then you +should join + + THE CHURCH OF COUNTERFACTUAL BELIEF + +The Church of Counterfactual Belief has been set up to cater to all who +don't allow demonstrable truth to get in the way of their beliefs. In +addition to creation science and the flatness of the earth, the +following beliefs have been certified by Pope Duane as Church dogma: + + -- That there is a hole in the Earth at the North Pole from which + UFOs come. + -- That pi equals precisely 3.000. + -- That sex can be enjoyed only by blacks and homosexuals. + -- That Billy Joe Wilson (Hoopla, Miss.) has successfully squared + the circle. + -- That Harry Truman is still president, and doing a fine job. + -- That pi equals precisely 22/7. + +Several other important counterfactual beliefs are presently being +studied, including Reaganomics, A.I., and that the moon landings were +done in a Hollywood special effects studio. These will be the subject +of a forthcoming Papal Bull ... +% If you could get an erection, you would have no need for Emacs. % If you don't ride a camel to work, you ain't Sheeite. @@ -6654,6 +7647,11 @@ There is always the lavat'ry wall. If you live in New York, even if you're Catholic, you're Jewish. -- Lenny Bruce % +If you meet somebody who tells you that he loves you more than anybody +in the whole wide world, don't trust him. It means he experiments. +% +If you think sex is a pain in the ass, try a different position. +% If you were attacked by a homosexual, would you beat him off? % If your thesis is utterly vacuous, @@ -6662,6 +7660,10 @@ Employ first-order predicate calculus. The sheerest banality, Will be hailed by all as miraculous! % +"If you're a real good kid, I'll give you a piggy-back ride on a +buzz-saw." + -- W. C. Fields +% If you're Catholic you've only got two choices: periodic abstinence and complete continence; (you know, rhythm and blues). % @@ -6686,6 +7688,9 @@ The how about giving the laurel No three men could best her -- One fore, and one aft, and one oral. % +Ignorance is the Mother of Devotion. + -- Robert Burton +% Il y a une jeune fille amoureuse D'un homme qu'a une conduite honteuse; Il la mene chaque soir @@ -6749,6 +7754,10 @@ Baby, let me prove it to you! I'm against group sex because I wouldn't know where to put my elbows. -- Martin Cruz Smith % +I'm for peace -- I've yet to see a man wake up in the morning and say +"I've just had a good war." + -- Mae West +% I'm glad we don't have to play in the shade. -- Golfer Bobby Jones on being told that it was 105 degrees in the shade. @@ -6757,6 +7766,11 @@ Very few blacks will take up golf until the requirement for plaid pants is dropped. -- Franklyn Ajaye % +I'm going to Iowa for an award. Then I'm appearing at Carnegie Hall, +it's sold out. Then I'm sailing to France to be honored by the French +government -- I'd give it all up for one erection. + -- Groucho Marx +% I'm Jewish. Count Basie's Jewish. Ray Charles is Jewish. Eddie Cantor's goyish. The B'nai Brith is goyish. The Hadassah is Jewish. Marine Corps -- heavy goyish, dangerous. Kool-Aid is goyish. All Drake's Cakes are @@ -6851,6 +7865,10 @@ Spoke of Spengler -- and ate crackers too. That philosophy guff Up your ass, dear, and throw me a screw!" % +"In Christianity neither morality nor religion come into contact with +reality at any point." + -- Friedrich Nietzsche +% In cosmetics, there's cases of revolutionary Venus Envy Hair Spray; Legette Hair Fastener Heat Bags; Lady O' Spain Self-Blinding Eye Shadow with Magic Puncture Pencil; Sanitary Napkin Rings in Little Miss, Moon @@ -6909,6 +7927,12 @@ that "If I had wanted to ice the little toad, I would have done it a long time ago." -- Dennis Miller, SNL News % +In the Garden of Eden sat Adam, +Massaging the bust of his madam, + He chuckled with mirth, + For he knew that on earth, +There were only two boobs and he had 'em. +% In the romantic days of Warsaw, Viennese whores were known for their beauty and delicacy. A gallant officer picked up one such lady of the evening, who took him to her apartment. They made delicious love all @@ -6944,6 +7968,9 @@ kissing on every pitch. He's kissing her on the strikes, and she's kissing him on the balls. -- Harry Caray, a Chicago sportscaster % +Incest, n.: + Sibling revelry. +% Incest, n: Sibling revelry; a sport the whole family can enjoy. % @@ -6973,6 +8000,10 @@ Re: S. White Let it be noted that if she whistles that goddamned song one more time I'm gonna rip her fuckin' lips off. Have a nice day. % +"Is it just me, or does anyone else read `bible humpers' every time +someone writes `bible thumpers?'" + -- Joel M. Snyder, jms@mis.arizona.edu +% Israeli prime minister Shamir invited the Pope to play a round of golf. Since the Pope hadn't the faintest of an idea how to play, he convened the college of cardinals to ask their advice. "Call Arnold Palmer," they suggested, "make him @@ -6983,6 +8014,9 @@ in second," Palmer replied. "You mean to tell me Shamir beat you?" "No, Your Holiness. Rabbi Nicklaus did." % +It is a sad commentary on today's society that this fortune has to be +classified as "offensive" simply because it contains the word "fuck". +% It is better to have a positive Wasserman than never to have loved at all. % It is better to have Uranus in Cancer than to have Cancer in Uranus. @@ -7040,6 +8074,10 @@ It must be admitted that we English have sex on the brain, which is a very unfortunate place to have it. -- Malcolm Muggeridge % +"It says he made us all to be just like him. So if we're dumb, then +god is dumb, and maybe even a little ugly on the side." + -- Frank Zappa +% It seems that a rabbi, a priest and a minister decided to go fishing one sunny afternoon. All three climbed into the boat and headed for the middle of the lake. After several hours of relaxation, the minister decided that @@ -7116,6 +8154,11 @@ It was a female that drove me to drink and I didn't even have the kindness to thank her. -- R.E. Baber % +"It was a Roman who said it was sweet to die for one's country. The +Greeks never said it was sweet to die for anything. They had no vital +lies." + -- Edith Hamilton, "The Greek Way" +% It was a warm, sunny Sunday, and a man and his wife decided to take in the zoo. They spent the day, and at closing time they walked past the gorilla cage, and the man noticed the gorilla looking at his wife. "That gorilla is getting @@ -7337,6 +8380,9 @@ Don't see 'em this big out here, do they? -- Lyndon B. Johnson, exposing himself to reporters in a public toilet during a tour of the Far East % +"I've had one child. My husband wants to have another. I'd like to +watch him have another." +% Jack an Jill went up the hill. Jill went down, Jack came. @@ -7378,6 +8424,8 @@ So Jack's in the hospital, with a burned up dick! % Jehovah is an alien and still threatens this planet! % +Jesus died for your sins. Make it worth his time. +% Jesus has just stopped the crowd from stoning Mary Magdalene to death and is berating the self-pious with the famous speech, "Let the one among you who is without sin cast the first stone..." @@ -7394,10 +8442,15 @@ Jesus Never Fails (He's never taken the Massachusetts Bar Exam, either.) % +"Jesus saves... but Gretzky gets the rebound!" + -- Daniel Hinojosa +% Jesus Saves! (And Esposito scores on the rebound!) % +Jesus was killed by a Moral Majority. +% Jews always know two things: suffering and where to find great Chinese food. -- From the movie "My Favorite Year". % @@ -7412,6 +8465,10 @@ women and children aboard the lifeboats first." % Joan of Arc is alive and medium well. % +John Birch Society -- that pathetic manifestation of organized +apoplexy. + -- Edward P. Morgan +% John Paul II is famous for his touring, and his quaint habit of pressing his lips to foreign soil on his arrival. This sparked some wit to remark: "The Pope has it backwards: he kisses the ground, and walks on @@ -7433,6 +8490,15 @@ crucified in the morning. Kansas, where the men are men, the sheep are scared and the women are grateful. % +Kasha, n.: + Kasha is always defined as "buckwheat groats". There's only +one problem with this definition: what the fuck are "buckwheat +groats"? *_I* know what they are -- they're kasha. But that doesn't +help *___you* much. + -- Arthur Naiman, "Every Goy's Guide to Yiddish" +% +Kill a commie for Christ! +% King Louis gave a lesson in class, One time while enjoying a lass. When she used the word "Damn" @@ -7522,6 +8588,11 @@ Pro: "That's going to real tough to treat." lagnaf, n: Let's All Get Naked And Fuck! % +Laissez Faire Economics is the theory that if each acts like a vulture, +all will end as doves. +% +Large cats can be dangerous, but a little pussy never hurt anyone. +% "Last night," said a lassie named Ruth, "In a long-distance telephone booth, I enjoyed the perfection @@ -7570,6 +8641,10 @@ Des estropiements, et des pestes. % Let a Field Service Engineer put it in. % +LET Jesus be YOUR anchor! + +So when Satan rocks your boat, THROW Jesus overboard! +% Liberace was at heaven's gate when Saint Peter told him that he'd been disqualified from entering. Stunned, Liberace asked, "Why?" @@ -7594,6 +8669,9 @@ Life is having a mother-in-law that sucks and a wife that don't. Life is like a cucumber -- one moment it's in your hand, the next it's up your ass. % +Life is like a penis: when it's soft you can't beat it, and when it's +hard you get fucked. +% Life is like a shit sandwich. The more bread you have, the less shit you have to eat. % @@ -7620,6 +8698,8 @@ Lisp hackers ... have to be bound to do it. ... have Moby dicks. % +Lisp hackers have to be bound (to-do 'it) ... +% Lisp programmers do it deeper and deeper and deeper. % Little Boy Blew... he needed the money. @@ -7687,6 +8767,9 @@ her grandmother when a wolf jumped out from behind a tree. "Eat, eat, eat," said Little Red Riding Hood angrily, "Damn it, doesn't anybody fuck anymore?" % +Living in Hollywood is like living in a bowl of granola. What ain't +fruits and nuts is flakes. +% Long, long ago, in the Old West, a rancher rode into town to buy supplies. When he returned, he found that his whole family had been killed, his wife raped, his house burned, and all his cattle rustled. When he told his @@ -7718,6 +8801,8 @@ Love comes in spurts. Love comes in spurts. --Devo, "Please Please" % +Love does not make the world go around, just up and down a bit. +% Love is blind but desire doesn't give a good goddam. -- James Thurber % @@ -7866,24 +8951,37 @@ Mathematicians ... do it in theory. ... take it to the limit. % +Mathematicians do it in theory. +% Mathematicians do it with a small, imaginary part. % Mathematicians often resort to something called Hilbert space, which is described as being n-dimensional. Like modern sex, any number can play. -- James Blish, "Beep/The Quincunx of Time" % +Mathematicians take it to the limit. +% May a deranged midget on a pogo stick take refuge in your sister's hoop skirt. % +May a diseased yak take a liking to your sister. +% May all the boys you fall in love with fall in love with boys themselves. % May all the girls you fall in love with fall in love with girls themselves. % May Allah blow sand in your Preparation H. % +May the fairy god-camel leave a lump on your pillow! +% Maybe if the guy who developed Twinkies hadn't had such a low opinion of himself they would have been an inch or two longer! % +Mayor Vincent J. `Buddy' Cianci on the ACLU's suit to have a city +nativity scene removed: + "They're just jealous because they don't have three wise men +and a virgin in the whole organization." +% McCoy's a seducer galore, And of virgins he has quite a score. He tells them, "My dear, @@ -7940,6 +9038,13 @@ Afflicted with psychotic warps. Is to bugger a nun, And then vomit all over the corpse. % +Megaton Man: "LOOK at them! Helpless, tender creatures, relying on + ME, waiting for ME to make my move!" + +(from below): "Move your ASS, Fat-head!" + +Megaton Man: "It is a MANDATE, and I am DUTY BOUND to OBEY!" +% Men -- can't live with 'em, can't leave 'em by the curb when you're done. % @@ -8004,6 +9109,9 @@ Oh hell, blast, and damnation! Asked a lady in there if she had the time, She said "Yes", and a strong inclination. % +Missionary Position: + The missionary on top. +% Mistress Mary, quite contrary, How does your garden grow? With silver bells and cockle shells, @@ -8034,6 +9142,9 @@ her, reached out, and squeezed her breast. "Leave only one quart of milk," she said. "Morris won't be here for breakfast tomorrow." % +"Most legislators are so dumb that they couldn't pour piss out of a +boot if the instructions were printed on the heel." +% Most men would never get laid if it weren't for the pity fuck. % Most plain girls are virtuous because of the scarcity of opportunity @@ -8042,6 +9153,10 @@ to be otherwise. % Most women look for a man who is tall, dark and hung some. % +Motto of the Electrical Engineer: + Working computer hardware is a lot like an erect penis: it +stays up as long as you don't fuck with it. +% Moustache rides, 50 cents. % Mr. Rection, Mr. Hugh G. Rection, please pick up a white courtesy telephone! @@ -8087,11 +9202,23 @@ My advice to the women's clubs of America is to raise more hell and fewer dahlias. -- William Allen White % +My brother-in-law has found a way to make ends meet. He goes around +with his head stuck up his ass. +% +"My country, right or wrong," is a thing that no patriot would think of +saying except in a desperate case. It is like saying, "My mother, +drunk or sober." + -- G. K. Chesterton +% My daddy's brains was so scrambled he thought he was Jesus. They put him in a nut house for 5 years and when he got out, he didn't think he was Jesus, he thought he was *God*! ... Which made me Jesus. -- T. Bywater % +My father was a creole, his father a Negro, and his father a monkey; my +family, it seems, begins where yours left off. + -- Alexandre Dumas, pere +% My girlfriend's favorite erotic position is bending over my credit cards. % My godda bless, never I see sucha people. @@ -8277,15 +9404,26 @@ are, the software boys piss it away. No one born with a mouth and a need is "innocent". -- Greg Bear % +No woman can call herself free until she can choose consciously whether +she will or will not be a mother. + -- Margaret H. Sanger +% Non Illegitemus Carborundum. [Don't let the bastards wear you down.] % Not everyone has a one-track mind. -- From a Bisexuality 101 talk % +"Not only is God dead, but just try to find a plumber on weekends." + -- Woody Allen +% nothing, adj: A man with an erection who walks into a wall and breaks his nose. % +Nothing is better than Sex. +Masturbation is better than nothing. +Therefore, Masturbation is better than Sex. +% Now a Jew, in the dictionary, is one who is descended from the ancient tribes of Judea ... but you and I know what a Jew is -- one who killed Our Lord ... A lot of people say to me "Why did you kill Christ?" What @@ -8317,6 +9455,8 @@ Runnin' low on stories of what made it a ball, What would they do if I made no landfall?" -- Jimmy Buffet, "Landfall" % +Nuke the gay, unborn, baby whales for Jesus. +% Nurse Jones is a regular on the newsgroup [alt.sex.bondage], and occasionally has problems with folks harassing her. She came up with this in response to one... @@ -8348,6 +9488,20 @@ because it's obscene. % Obscenity is a crutch for lazy Motherfuckers. % +Obscenity is the crutch of inarticulate motherfuckers. +% +Occident, n.: + The part of the world lying west (or east) of the Orient. It +is largely inhabited by Christians, a powerful sub-tribe of the +Hypocrites, whose principal industries are murder and cheating, which +they are pleased to call "war" and "commerce." These, also, are the +principal industries of the Orient. + -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary" +% +Ocean, n.: + A body of water occupying about two-thirds of a world made for +man -- who has no gills. +% Oden the bardling averred His muse was the bum of a bird, And his Lesbian wife @@ -8583,6 +9737,12 @@ Once a woman has given you her heart you can never get rid of the rest of her. -- Vanbrugh % +Once a young gay from Khartoum +Took a lesbian up to his room. + They argued all night + Over who had the right +To do what, and with which, and to whom. +% Once I belonged to a group that really had THE WORD. I fought like hell for them. But another group came along and exposed the word of my group as shallow and degenerate. They had a better word. So I quit the first @@ -8644,6 +9804,23 @@ down." So Little Red Riding Hood whipped out the .357 and said, "Oh, no, you're not! You're going to eat me just like the story says!" % +Once upon a time, there was a non-conforming sparrow who decided not to +fly south for the winter. However, soon after the weather turned cold, +the sparrow changed his mind and reluctantly started to fly south. +After a short time, ice began to form his on his wings and he fell to +earth in a barnyard almost frozen. A cow passed by and crapped on this +little bird and the sparrow thought it was the end, but the manure +warmed him and defrosted his wings. Warm and happy the little sparrow +began to sing. Just then, a large Tom cat came by and hearing the +chirping investigated the sounds. As Old Tom cleared away the manure, +he found the chirping bird and promptly ate him. + +There are three morals to this story: + +(1) Everyone who shits on you is not necessarily your enemy. +(2) Everyone who gets you out of shit is not necessarily your friend. +(3) If you are warm and happy in a pile of shit, keep your mouth shut. +% Once upon a time there was a sperm named Stanley. He'd do pushups and somersaults and limber up all the time, while the other sperm just lay around on their fat asses not doing a thing. One day, one of them became curious @@ -8814,6 +9991,22 @@ walked away. An onlooking pedestrian then walked up to the officer and asked, "Officer, why didn't you tell that man where thirty-third and Sacramento was?" The police officer replied, "Thure, thure, and dit the thit ticked out of me!" % +One day President Reagan, Chairman Andropov, the Pope, and a boy scout +were flying together in an airplane. Right out in the middle of +nowhere the plane developed engine trouble and started to go down. +Unfortunately, only three parachutes could be found for the four +passengers! Andropov grabbed one of the parachutes and declared +"Comrades, as leader of the socialist workers revolution, my life must +be spared," and he jumped out of the plane. Then Reagan exclaimed "As +leader of the greatest nation on earth, I must keep the world safe for +democracy," and with that he too jumped to safety. Now if you are +following all this (or counting on your fingers) you must see that +there is only one parachute left for the two remaining passengers. The +Pope looked kindly upon the boy scout and said "I have had a long and +productive life, my son. You take the parachute and leave me in God's +hands." "That's very kind of you," the observant scout replied, "but +there is no need. Reagan just jumped out with my knapsack." +% One evening a guru had coitus With an actress, a whore and a poetess. When asked what position @@ -8910,8 +10103,24 @@ right handed. If she's sleeping on her left side, I play left handed." "What if she's lying on her back?" George said, "That's when I'm late." % +"One Saturday afternoon, during the campaign to decide whether or not +there should be a Coastal Commission, I took a helicopter ride from Los +Angeles to San Diego. We passed several state beaches, some crowded +and some virtually empty. They had the same facilities, and in some +cases the crowded and the empty beach were within a quarter mile of +each other. Obviously many beach-goers prefer to be crowded together. +Buying more beaches that people won't go to because they prefer to be +crowded together on one beach is a ridiculous waste of our natural +resources and our taxes." + -- Ronald Reagan +% One should be cherry of virgins. % +One thing I have no worry about is whether God exists. But it has +occurred to me that God has Alzheimer's and has forgotten we exist. + -- Jane Wagner, "The Search for Signs of Intelligent + Life in the Universe" +% One, two, three, four What are we fighting for? Don't ask me I don't give a damn. @@ -8931,6 +10140,10 @@ Ooops. Gotta run. My dog wants sex. Later. % Operators mount anything! % +Opinions are like assholes -- everyone's got one, but nobody wants to +look at the other guy's. + -- Hal Hickman +% OPTIMIST: A man who makes a motel reservation before a blind date. % @@ -8940,6 +10153,13 @@ ORAL CONTRACEPTIVE: oral sex, n: The taste of things to come. % +O'Riordan's Theorem: + Brains x Beauty = Constant. + +Purmal's Corollary: + As the limit of (Brains x Beauty) goes to infinity, +availability goes to zero. +% Other people don't give you orgasms; you have them, and they help you cash them in. % @@ -8956,9 +10176,30 @@ What ho, you are smitten! Yo mosquito, fuck you. -- Mitchell Peck, "Ouch, Mosquito" % +"Our government has kept us in a perpetual state of fear -- kept us in +a continuous stampede of patriotic fervor -- with the cry of grave +national emergency... Always there has been some terrible evil to +gobble us up if we did not blindly rally behind it by furnishing the +exorbitant sums demanded. Yet, in retrospect, these disasters seem +never to have happened, seem never to have been quite real." + -- General Douglas MacArthur, 1957 +% Our readers ask, "Why don't more WASPs go to orgies?" Well, it's really quite simple. They don't want to have to write all those thank-you notes. % +Our [softball] team usually puts the other woman at second base, where +the maximum possible number of males can get there on short notice to +help out in case of emergency. As far as I can tell, our second +basewoman is a pretty good baseball player, better than I am, anyway, +but there's no way to know for sure because if the ball gets anywhere +near her, a male comes barging over from, say, right field, to deal +with it. She's been on the team for three seasons now, but the males +still don't trust her. They know, deep in their souls, that if she had +to choose between catching a fly ball and saving an infant's life, she +probably would elect to save the infant's life, without ever +considering whether there were men on base. + -- Dave Barry, "Sports is a Drag" +% Our staff proctologist, Dr. Barr, Has invented a new kind of car. With a tank full of shit @@ -9007,6 +10248,10 @@ penis envy, n: % People humiliating a salami! % +People who develop the habit of thinking of themselves as world +citizens are fulfilling the first requirement of sanity in our time. + -- Norman Cousins +% People who live in glass houses should ball in the basement. % People will swim through shit if you put a few bob in it. @@ -9037,6 +10282,8 @@ philadelphia flying fuck, n: Philosophy is to the real world as masturbation is to sex. -- Karl Marx % +Physicists do it with charm. +% Picking up a man in a bar is like a snowstorm, you never know when he's coming, how many inches you'll get or how long'll he'll stay. % @@ -9059,6 +10306,8 @@ pocket pool, n: polish fly, n: You put it in her drink and she begs you to take her bowling. % +Politicians do it to everyone. +% Pompoir: The most sought-after feminine sexual response of all. 'She must... close and constrict the Yoni until it holds the Lingam as with @@ -9082,6 +10331,12 @@ Had heard of, but not seen, the male phallus. She started to run, And last was seen sprinting through Dallas. % +Posterity will ne'er survey +A nobler grave than this; +Here lie the bones of Castlereagh; +Stop, traveler, and piss. + -- Lord Byron, on Lord Castlereagh +% Postulate #1: Nothing is better than sex. Postulate #2: Masturbation is better than nothing. Conclusion: Masturbation is better than sex. @@ -9135,6 +10390,8 @@ in... He said, 'Look at this, I'm pissing with Johnny Cash. We need a picture of this.' I said, 'No, Keith, we *don't* need a picture of this.'" -- Rolling Stone interview with Johnny Cash. % +Procrastinators do it tomorrow. +% Programmers get overlaid. % PROMOTION: @@ -9146,6 +10403,9 @@ Qui virginem ingrediebatur. Audivi progressus: Est mihi inquit tubulator. % +Prostitution is the only business where you can go into the hole and +still come out ahead. +% Psychiatrists say that one out of four people are mentally ill. Check three friends. If they're okay, you're it. % @@ -9599,6 +10859,59 @@ A3: The drugstore has remedies for PMS. A4: People with PMS get sympathy. A5: People with PMS don't wish they were UNIX. % +Q: How do you play religious roulette? +A: You stand around in a circle and blaspheme and see who gets struck + by lightning first. +% +Q: How do you tell if an elephant has been making love in your + backyard? +A: If all your trashcan liners are missing ... +% +Q: How do you tell if you're making love to a nurse, a schoolteacher, + or an airline stewardess? +A: A nurse says: "This won't hurt a bit." A schoolteacher says: + "We're going to have to do this over and over again until we get it + right." An airline stewardess says: "Just hold this over your + mouth and nose, and breath normally." +% +Q: How many right-to-lifers does it take to change a light bulb? +A: Two. One to screw it in and one to say that light started when the + screwing began. +% +Q: How many supply-siders does it take to change a light bulb? +A: None. The darkness will cause the light bulb to change by itself. +% +Q: How much money do you give to a 900 foot Jesus? +A: As much as he wants. +% +Q: If Tarzan was Jewish, and Jane was a princess, what would Cheetah + be? +A: A fur coat. +% +Q: What do you do with an elephant with three balls? +A: Walk him and pitch to the rhino. +% +Q: What do you get when you cross James Dean with Ronald Reagan? +A: A rebel without a clue. +% +Q: What is "SMOORPLAY"? +A: It's what SMURFS do before they SMUCK, of course! +% +Q: What is the worst story Helen Keller ever read? +A: A cheese grater. +% +Q: What's Jewish foreplay? +A: Two hours of begging. +% +Q: Where can you buy black lace crotchless panties for sheep? +A: Fredrick's of Ithaca, New York. +% +Q: Where does virgin wool come from? +A: Ugly sheep. +% +Q: Why does Helen Keller masturbate with one hand? +A: So she can moan with the other! +% Q: What do agnostic, insomniac dyslexics do at night? A: Stay awake and wonder if there's a dog. % @@ -9766,6 +11079,15 @@ QOTD: QOTD: "You might as well say "yes", the sheets are messy already." % +"Queensboro president Donald Mannis, charged with receiving bribes in +exchange for city contracts, resigned on Tuesday. Mannis feels he must +devote more time to impending litigation, some of which might emanate +from a recent statement he made comparing New York Mayor Ed Koch to +Nazi Martin Bormann. A spokesman from the Bormann estate said they are +weighing the odds of a slander suit. Mayor Koch could naturally be +reached for comment, but we chose not to listen." + -- Dennis Miller, "Saturday Night Live" +% quickie, n: A moment's piece. % @@ -9775,6 +11097,12 @@ quickie, n: Ralph: Lisa, you have no tits and a awful tight pussy. Lisa: Ralph... get off my back!! % +Randel, n.: + A nonsensical poem recited by Irish schoolboys as an apology +for farting at a friend. + -- Mrs. Byrne's Dictionary of Unusual, Obscure, and + Preposterous Words +% Raquel Welch: 36-24-36 Bo Derek: 35-24-36 Ann-Margaret: 37-25-36 @@ -9812,6 +11140,8 @@ urn in consecrated lands and bury the rest of the body underneath a crossroad (i.e. the intersection of Broad & Chestnut). Sure, it's a lot of work. But you'll never have to worry about those damn bats pestering the neighbors again. % +Reagan can't _a_c_t, either. +% real buddy, n: Someone who'll go downtown and get two blowjobs, and come back and give you one. @@ -9835,6 +11165,39 @@ Remember, there's a big difference between kneeling down and bending over. Remember, when preparing a dish for bedtime, champagne is the best tenderizer. % +Remember when you were a kid and the boys didn't like the girls? Only +sissies liked girls? What I'm trying to tell you is that nothing's +changed. You think boys grow out of not liking girls, but we don't +grow out of it. We just grow horny. That's the problem. We mix up +liking pussy for liking girls. Believe me, one couldn't have less to +do with the other. + -- Jules Feiffer +% +Republicans consume three-fourths of the rutabaga produced in this +country. The remainder is thrown out. +% +Republicans raise dahlias, Dalmatians and eyebrows. +Democrats raise Airedales, kids and taxes. + +Democrats eat the fish they catch. +Republicans hang them on the wall. + +Republican boys date Democratic girls. They plan to marry Republican +girls, but feel they're entitled to a little fun first. + +Democrats make up plans and then do something else. +Republicans follow the plans their grandfathers made. + +Republicans consume three-fourths of the rutabaga produced in the USA. +The remainder is thrown out. + +Republicans sleep in twin beds -- some even in separate rooms. +That is why there are more Democrats. + -- The Official Rules, as compiled by Paul Dickson +% +Republicans tend to keep their shades drawn, although there is seldom +any reason why they should. Democrats ought to, but don't. +% Returning from the men's room, a bar customer was sadly, shaking his head. "What's the matter, buddy?", inquired the bartender. "Well," replied the customer, "while I was in the men's room, I saw @@ -9879,6 +11242,8 @@ In Ireland, in Lebanon, in Palestine, in Berkeley, Patty Hearst... heard the burst... of Roland's Thompson gun, and bought it. -- Warren Zevon, "Roland the Headless Thompson Gunner" % +Ronald Reagan -- America's favorite placebo +% Rosenberg wanted to leave the country. "And what is *your* reason?" asks the official at the Passport Office. "I am told a pogrom is being prepared. Against the Jews and the barbers," @@ -9898,6 +11263,233 @@ two new uses for sheep. Meat and wool. % Runners do it alone. % +Rush Limbaugh's 35 Undeniable Truths of Life: + +(1) The greatest threat to the human spirit is liberalism. + + -- "The Limbaugh Letter," Copyright 1992, EFM Publishing, Inc. +% +Rush Limbaugh's 35 Undeniable Truths of Life: + +(10) Liberalism poisons the soul. + + -- "The Limbaugh Letter," Copyright 1992, EFM Publishing, Inc. +% +Rush Limbaugh's 35 Undeniable Truths of Life: + +(11) Neither the United States, nor anyone else, "imposes" freedom on + the people of other nations. Freedom is not an imposition. + + -- "The Limbaugh Letter," Copyright 1992, EFM Publishing, Inc. +% +Rush Limbaugh's 35 Undeniable Truths of Life: + +(12) Freedom is God-given. + + -- "The Limbaugh Letter," Copyright 1992, EFM Publishing, Inc. +% +Rush Limbaugh's 35 Undeniable Truths of Life: + +(13) To dictatorships, peace means the absence of opposition. + + -- "The Limbaugh Letter," Copyright 1992, EFM Publishing, Inc. +% +Rush Limbaugh's 35 Undeniable Truths of Life: + +(14) To free people, peace means the absence of threat. + + -- "The Limbaugh Letter," Copyright 1992, EFM Publishing, Inc. +% +Rush Limbaugh's 35 Undeniable Truths of Life: + +(15) The Peace Movement in the United States was, whether by accident or + design, pro-communist. + + -- "The Limbaugh Letter," Copyright 1992, EFM Publishing, Inc. +% +Rush Limbaugh's 35 Undeniable Truths of Life: + +(16) The collective knowledge and wisdom of seasoned citizens is the + most valuable, yet untapped, resource our young people have. + + -- "The Limbaugh Letter," Copyright 1992, EFM Publishing, Inc. +% +Rush Limbaugh's 35 Undeniable Truths of Life: + +(17) The greatest football team in the history of civilization was the + Pittsburgh Steelers of 1975 through 1980. + + -- "The Limbaugh Letter," Copyright 1992, EFM Publishing, Inc. +% +Rush Limbaugh's 35 Undeniable Truths of Life: + +(18) There is no such thing as "war atrocities." War is an atrocity. + + -- "The Limbaugh Letter," Copyright 1992, EFM Publishing, Inc. +% +Rush Limbaugh's 35 Undeniable Truths of Life: + +(19) Regardless of the pain in our memories, nostalgia only reminds us + of the good times in our past. + + -- "The Limbaugh Letter," Copyright 1992, EFM Publishing, Inc. +% +Rush Limbaugh's 35 Undeniable Truths of Life: + +(2) The single greatest threat to the free people of the world is posed + by the heinous idea of centralized government control. + + -- "The Limbaugh Letter," Copyright 1992, EFM Publishing, Inc. +% +Rush Limbaugh's 35 Undeniable Truths of Life: + +(20) There is a God. + + -- "The Limbaugh Letter," Copyright 1992, EFM Publishing, Inc. +% +Rush Limbaugh's 35 Undeniable Truths of Life: + +(21) Abortion is wrong. + + -- "The Limbaugh Letter," Copyright 1992, EFM Publishing, Inc. +% +Rush Limbaugh's 35 Undeniable Truths of Life: + +(22) Morality is not defined by individual choice. + + -- "The Limbaugh Letter," Copyright 1992, EFM Publishing, Inc. +% +Rush Limbaugh's 35 Undeniable Truths of Life: + +(23) Evolution cannot explain creation. + + -- "The Limbaugh Letter," Copyright 1992, EFM Publishing, Inc. +% +Rush Limbaugh's 35 Undeniable Truths of Life: + +(24) Feminism was established so that unattractive women could have + easier access to the mainstream of society. + + -- "The Limbaugh Letter," Copyright 1992, EFM Publishing, Inc. +% +Rush Limbaugh's 35 Undeniable Truths of Life: + +(25) Love is the only human emotion which cannot be controlled. You + either do or you don't. You can't fake it. (Except women, and + thank God they can.) + + -- "The Limbaugh Letter," Copyright 1992, EFM Publishing, Inc. +% +Rush Limbaugh's 35 Undeniable Truths of Life: + +(26) The only difference between Mikhail Gorbachev and previous Soviet + leaders is that he is alive. + + -- "The Limbaugh Letter," Copyright 1992, EFM Publishing, Inc. +% +Rush Limbaugh's 35 Undeniable Truths of Life: + +(27) Soviet leaders were actually left-wing dictators. + + -- "The Limbaugh Letter," Copyright 1992, EFM Publishing, Inc. +% +Rush Limbaugh's 35 Undeniable Truths of Life: + +(28) Abraham Lincoln saved this nation. + + -- "The Limbaugh Letter," Copyright 1992, EFM Publishing, Inc. +% +Rush Limbaugh's 35 Undeniable Truths of Life: + +(29) The Los Angeles Raiders will never be the team they were when they + called Oakland home. + + -- "The Limbaugh Letter," Copyright 1992, EFM Publishing, Inc. +% +Rush Limbaugh's 35 Undeniable Truths of Life: + +(3) Peace does not mean the elimination of nuclear weapons. + + -- "The Limbaugh Letter," Copyright 1992, EFM Publishing, Inc. +% +Rush Limbaugh's 35 Undeniable Truths of Life: + +(30) The United States will again go to war. + + -- "The Limbaugh Letter," Copyright 1992, EFM Publishing, Inc. +% +Rush Limbaugh's 35 Undeniable Truths of Life: + +(31) To more and more American intellectuals, a victorious United States + is a sinful United States. + + -- "The Limbaugh Letter," Copyright 1992, EFM Publishing, Inc. +% +Rush Limbaugh's 35 Undeniable Truths of Life: + +(32) The fact that American intellectuals rue a victorious United States + is frightening and ominous. + + -- "The Limbaugh Letter," Copyright 1992, EFM Publishing, Inc. +% +Rush Limbaugh's 35 Undeniable Truths of Life: + +(33) There will always be poor people. + + -- "The Limbaugh Letter," Copyright 1992, EFM Publishing, Inc. +% +Rush Limbaugh's 35 Undeniable Truths of Life: + +(34) The fact that there will always be poor people is not the fault of + the rich. + + -- "The Limbaugh Letter," Copyright 1992, EFM Publishing, Inc. +% +Rush Limbaugh's 35 Undeniable Truths of Life: + +(35) Rather than feel guilty as some do, you should thank God for making + you an American. + + -- "The Limbaugh Letter," Copyright 1992, EFM Publishing, Inc. +% +Rush Limbaugh's 35 Undeniable Truths of Life: + +(4) Peace does not mean the absence of war. + + -- "The Limbaugh Letter," Copyright 1992, EFM Publishing, Inc. +% +Rush Limbaugh's 35 Undeniable Truths of Life: + +(5) War is not obsolete. + + -- "The Limbaugh Letter," Copyright 1992, EFM Publishing, Inc. +% +Rush Limbaugh's 35 Undeniable Truths of Life: + +(6) Ours is a world governed by the aggressive use of force. + + -- "The Limbaugh Letter," Copyright 1992, EFM Publishing, Inc. +% +Rush Limbaugh's 35 Undeniable Truths of Life: + +(7) There is only one way to eliminate nuclear weapons. Use them. + + -- "The Limbaugh Letter," Copyright 1992, EFM Publishing, Inc. +% +Rush Limbaugh's 35 Undeniable Truths of Life: + +(8) Peace cannot be achieved merely by developing an "understanding" + among peoples. + + -- "The Limbaugh Letter," Copyright 1992, EFM Publishing, Inc. +% +Rush Limbaugh's 35 Undeniable Truths of Life: + +(9) Americans opposing America is not always sacred nor courageous ... + it is sometimes dangerous. + + -- "The Limbaugh Letter," Copyright 1992, EFM Publishing, Inc. +% Said a dainty young whore named Ms. Meggs, "The men like to spread my two legs, Then slip in between, @@ -9923,6 +11515,12 @@ Said a happy young man of Fort Drum : Is a condom or two, With a goodly amount of fresh come." % +Said a horny young girl from Milpitas, +"My favorite sport is coitus." + But a fullback from State + Made her period late, +And now she has athlete's fetus. +% Said a lecherous fellow named Shea, When his prick wouldn't rise for a lay, "You must seize it, and squeeze it, @@ -9953,12 +11551,30 @@ Said a pornographistic young poet Is wearing quite thin, And I'll soon tell those fuckers to stow it." % +Said a swinging young chick named Lyth +Whose virtue was largely a myth, + "Try as hard as I can, + I can't find a man +That it's fun to be virtuous with." +% Said crew girl Angelica Bauer : "The captain's withdrawn, cold, and sour." Uhura said, "No, At night that's not so-- He doesn't withdraw for an hour." % +Said Einstein, "I have an equation +Which to some may seem rabelaisian: + Let _V be virginity + Approaching infinity; +Let _P be a constant persuasion; + +"Let _V over _P be inverted +With the square root of _M_u inserted + _N times into _V ... + The result, Q.E.D., +Is a relative!" Einstein asserted. +% Said Francesca, "My lack of volition Is leading me straight to perdition; But I haven't the strength @@ -10023,6 +11639,8 @@ Save a forest - eat a beaver! % Save a mouse, eat a pussy! % +Save Soviet Jewry -- Win Valuable Prizes!!!! +% Save the whales. Club a seal instead. % Says an airlining wanton named Vi: @@ -10171,12 +11789,22 @@ Is mostly by hand. % Sex is just one damp thing after another. % +Sex is like a bridge game -- If you have a good hand no partner is +needed. +% Sex is low in calories, and *oooh* that aftertaste! % Sex is nobody's business but the three people involved. % Sex is not the answer. Sex is the question. "Yes" is the answer. % +Sex is one of the nine reasons for reincarnation ... the other eight +are unimportant. + -- Henry Miller +% +Sex is the poor man's opera. + -- George Bernard Shaw +% Sex is what women have and men want. % Sex; it's always best when one partner is at least a little bit desperate. @@ -10224,6 +11852,9 @@ Don't Cut Any More Wood, Baby, 'Cause I'll Be Comin' Home With A Load I Loved Her Face, But I Left Her Behind For You -- proposed Country-Western song titles % +She asked me if I loved her still. "Yes," I replied. "I've never had +you any other way." +% She begged and she pleaded for more. I said, "We've already had four, And I'm sure that you've heard, @@ -10233,6 +11864,11 @@ That eros spelt backwards is sore." She called her parakeet Onan, because he spilled his seed. -- Dorothy Parker % +She hates testicles, thus limiting the men she can admire to Democratic +candidates for president. + -- John Greenway, "The American Tradition", on feminist + Elizabeth Gould Davis +% She made a thing of soft leather, And topped off the end with a feather. When she poked it inside her @@ -10534,6 +12170,8 @@ a good one. Now I'm looking for a longer one." Sometimes, you just gotta say "What the fuck." -- Risky Business % +Sooner or later, generals will own you. +% Sorry 'bout that sweat, honey. That's just holy water. -- Little Richard % @@ -10549,8 +12187,12 @@ Feel so woozy, I don't know why. So mass the pixer and kill my fup I've all day sober to sunday up. % +Statisticians do it with 95% confidence. +% Statisticians do it with 95 percent confidence. % +Statisticians probably do it. +% Sticks and stones may break my bones but whips and chains excite me!!! % Stockmayer's Theorem: @@ -10565,6 +12207,10 @@ stress, n: desire to choke the living shit out of some asshole who desperately needs it. % +Subpoena, n.: + From the root "sub", below, and the Latin "poena" for male +organ or penis. Therefore, "below the penis" or "by the balls." +% Success has many fathers, but failure is a bastard. % Success is like a fart -- only your own smells nice. @@ -10577,6 +12223,11 @@ successful cunnilingus: SUGAR DADDY: A man who can afford to raise cain. % +Support the right of unborn males to bear arms! + -- A public service announcement from Phyllis Schlafly, + the Catholic Church, and the National Rifle + Association +% Sure, and of course I would vote for a woman for president! Quite naturally, we wouldn't have to pay her so much. % @@ -10590,6 +12241,12 @@ Banks of the Jordan! Sure eating yoghurt will improve your sex life. People know that if you'll eat that stuff, you'll eat anything. % +Sure eating yogurt will improve your sex life. People know that if +you'll eat that stuff, you'll eat anything. +% +Sure, Reagan has promised to take senility tests. But what if he +forgets? +% swallow, v: The (blew) bird of birth control. % @@ -10622,6 +12279,10 @@ Protestantism: Shit happens, but it happens to someone else. Catholicism: Shit happens, but you deserved it. Judaism: Why does shit always happen to US? % +"Taxes should hurt. I just mailed my own tax return last night and I +am prepared to say `ouch!' as loud as anyone." + -- Ronald Reagan +% TAXIDERMIST: A man who mounts animals. % @@ -10707,6 +12368,10 @@ Do an act in the nude on their knees. While screwing dog-style, As the orchestra plays Kilmer's "Trees." % +"The Army is a place where you get up early in the morning to be yelled +at by people with short haircuts and tiny brains." + -- Dave Barry +% The attractive and grief-stricken widow had been living in seclusion at the home of her deceased husband's younger brother for several weeks. One evening, when she could no longer control her emotions, she barged into her brother-in- @@ -10809,6 +12474,9 @@ By the grace of a fortunate vowel. % The butcher, the baker, the candlestick make her, why can't I? % +The computer is the ultimate polluter: its shit is indistinguishable +from the food it produces. +% The country girl who became a city madam has obviously gone from rags to rigids. % @@ -10832,6 +12500,9 @@ went down on the Titanic. The difference between like and love is the same as the difference between a spit and a swallow. % +The difference between this school and a cactus plant is that the +cactus has the pricks on the outside. +% The difference between women and girls is as much as twenty years in some states. % @@ -11113,6 +12784,9 @@ exchange are obscure. But whatever the source, it seldom fails to evoke a certain awful recognition. -- Gore Vidal, "New York Review of Books" % +The man who said "A bird in the hand's worth two in the bush" has been +putting his bird in the *WRONG* bushes. +% The man-hating woman, like the cold woman, is largely imaginary. She is simply a woman who has done her best to snare a man and has failed. -- Norton @@ -11169,6 +12843,23 @@ Was cross-eyed and hydrocephalic. His aim was so wild He rendered the poor boy biphallic. % +THE MX IS GOOD FOR THE ECONOMY. One important reason we have a Defense +Department is that when we give it money, it spends it, which creates +jobs, whereas if we left the money in the hands of civilians, we don't +know what they'd do with it. Probably put it in open trenches and set +it on fire. The MX will create an especially large number of jobs +because of the number of warheads it carries. It carries a total of 10 +warheads. This creates a great deal of employment, because you have +your Warhead Makers, your Warhead Lifters, your Persons Who Tap the +Warheads Gently with Rubber Mallets to Wedge Them All Snugly Into the +Nose Cone, your Persons Who Just Walk Around Playing Soothing Cassettes +by Recording Artists such as Perry Como So We Don't Have Any More +Episodes Where a Worker Who is Experiencing Some Strain Sticks a +Warhead in the Employee Cafeteria Microwave and Sets It On Roast, etc. +We are talking about a lot of jobs. + -- Dave Barry, "At Last, the Ultimate Deterrent Against + Political Fallout" +% The nervous young bride became irritated by her husband's lusty advances on their wedding night and reprimanded him severly. "I demand proper manners in bed," she declared, "just as I do at @@ -11301,11 +12992,27 @@ once, thousands upon thousands of data bits flowing from diskette to disk in a torrent of torrid transfer, as the helpless legs of the 32 strained to remain on the floor. % +The other night I was having sex, but the girl hung up on me. +% The outraged husband discovered his wife in bed with another man. "What is the meaning of this?" he demanded. "Who is this fellow?" "That seems like a fair question," said the wife, rolling over. "What IS your name?" % +The owner of a large furniture store in the mid-west arrived in France +on a buying trip. As he was checking into a hotel he struck up an +acquaintance with a beautiful young lady. However, she only spoke +French and he only spoke English, so each couldn't understand a word +the other spoke. He took out a pencil and a notebook and drew a +picture of a taxi. She smiled, nodded her head and they went for a +ride in the park. Later, he drew a picture of a table in a restaurant +with a question mark and she nodded, so they went to dinner. After +dinner he sketched two dancers and she was delighted. They went to +several nightclubs, drank champagne, danced and had a glorious +evening. It had gotten quite late when she motioned for the pencil and +drew a picture of a four-poster bed. He was dumbfounded, and has never +been able to understand how she knew he was in the furniture business. +% The partition of Vavasour Scowles Was a sickener: they came on his bowels In a firkin; his brain @@ -11383,6 +13090,9 @@ you've been such a great friend of mine, I have a question I need to ask you. What is a blow job?" Mother Agatha replied, "Oh, twelve dollars, same as downtown." % +The problem with being best man at a wedding is that you never get a +chance to prove it. +% The problems with "Medflies" may have hurt Jerry Brown's chances to become a Senator. After all, if they won't allow California fruit out of the state, how is Brown going to get to Washington? @@ -11399,6 +13109,9 @@ Who'd confined his cock-poking to queers, And remarked : "It felt strange ... Just think what I've missed all these years!" % +The real problem with fucking a sheep is that you have to walk around +in front every time you want to kiss her. +% The real trouble with women is that they have *all* the pussy. % The reason big companies have lots and lots of meetings is because @@ -11409,6 +13122,20 @@ rhythm method of birth control is that it doesn't work. % The reason that sex is so popular is that it's centrally located. % +The reason we need the MX missile system is that the missiles we +currently have in the ground are the Minuteman model, which is very +old. The Defense Department can't even remember where half of them +are. Insects have built nests in them. People have built houses +directly over the silos. What this means, of course, is that if we +ever needed them to help obliterate all human life on the planet, they +could be a real embarrassment. I mean, maybe YOU'RE comfortable with +the prospect of missiles that are supposed to represent you barging +over the North Pole trailing shreds of polyester carpeting from some +recreation room in South Dakota, but your strategic defense planners +are not. + -- Dave Barry, "At Last, the Ultimate Deterrent Against + Political Fallout" +% The Reverend Henry Ward Beecher Called a girl a most elegant creature. So she laid on her back @@ -11434,6 +13161,10 @@ certain his charming words and manner would win her as they had many others. The San Francisco police are nothing if not sensitive to the mood of the community. The word is that Dirty Harry has been replaced by Bitchy Gerald. % +The sergeant walked into the shower and caught me giving myself a +dishonorable discharge. Without missing a beat, I said, "It's my dick +and I can wash it as fast as I want!" +% The sex act is the funniest thing on the face of this earth. -- Diana Rigg % @@ -11494,6 +13225,10 @@ Plays a nurse with a throat full of clit. For each turgid phallus-- Some say that the plot is pure shit. % +"The State of California has no business subsidizing intellectual +curiosity." + -- Ronald Reagan +% The Stealth Condom -- they'll never see you coming. % The struggling for knowledge has a pleasure in it @@ -11517,6 +13252,14 @@ I beckoned him to come and light And then I closed the window Upon my window sill. And smashed his fucking head. -- "Good Morning", Debbie Smith % +The superpowers often behave like two heavily armed blind men feeling +their way around a room, each believing himself in mortal peril from +the other, whom he assumes to have perfect vision. Each tends to +ascribe to the other side a consistency, foresight and coherence that +its own experience belies. Of course, even two blind men can do +enormous damage to each other, not to speak of the room. + -- Henry Kissinger +% "The testes are cooler outside," Said the doc to the curious bride, "For the semen must not @@ -11576,6 +13319,10 @@ or your woman. Someone's bound to throw a rod in either one. The Unitarians are really just a bunch of atheists who really like going to church. % +The United States Army: +194 years of proud service, +unhampered by progress. +% The Utah version of this joke goes: One of the Council of the Twelve runs breathlessly into the Presidents' office one day. The President looks up and says "Brother, what is so important @@ -11617,6 +13364,9 @@ The whole religious complexion of the modern world is due to the absence from Jerusalem of a lunatic asylum. -- Havelock Ellis % +"The whole world is about three drinks behind." + -- Humphrey Bogart +% The wife of young Richard of Limerick Complained to her husband, "My quim, Rick, Still grows in diameter @@ -11633,12 +13383,19 @@ The woman you buy -- and she is the least expensive -- takes a great deal of money. The woman who gives herself takes all your time. -- Balzac % +The word "spine" is, of course, an anagram of "penis". This is true in +almost fifty percent of the languages of the Galaxy, and many people +have attempted to explain why. Usually these explanations get bogged +down in silly puns about "standing erect". +% The work of Mess Sergeant Potgieter Is not merely reading a meter. By orders of Kirk A part of his work Is dosing the food with saltpeter. % +The world is an 8000 mile in diameter spherical pile of shit. +% The world is so full of a number of things, I'm sure we should all be as happy as kings. I'll tell you a story-- @@ -11706,6 +13463,11 @@ caught him when he came back for the brick. % There are a couple of things about her I greatly admire. % +There are also a lot of nice buildings in Haiphong. What their +contributions are to the war effort I don't know, but the desire to +bomb a virgin building is terrific. + -- Commander Henry Urban Jr. +% There are Jews in the world, there are Buddhists, Every sperm is sacred, there are Hindus and Mormons and then Every sperm is great, there are those that follow Mohammed ...But... If a sperm is wasted, @@ -11735,6 +13497,14 @@ a bitch, you ate five of them. -- Colorado judge, sentencing Alfred E. Packer for cannibalism in 1874. % +There are revolutions that are sweeping the world and we in America +have been in a position of trying to stop them. With all the wealth of +America, with all of the military strength of America, those +revolutions are revolutions against a form of political and economic +organization in the countries of Asia and the Middle East that are +oppressive. They are revolutions against feudalism. [1952] + -- Supreme Court Justice William O. Douglas +% There are so many people wanting a piece of my ass that some of them are having to take turns. -- T.K. @@ -11745,6 +13515,13 @@ So we hide them away in our clothes. At what's certainly there-- But why this is so, heaven knows. % +There are three religious truths: +1. Jews do not recognize Jesus as the Messiah. +2. Protestants do not recognize the Pope as the leader of the + Christian faith. +3. Baptists do not recognize each other in the liquor store or + the adult book store. +% There are three women on the fast track in a particular company. The president realizes it's time to promote one of them, but they're all so competent that he's not sure which one to choose. So he devises a little @@ -11753,6 +13530,8 @@ desks. #1 returns it to him immediately. #2 pockets it. #3 invests in the market and returns $1,500 to him in the morning. Who gets the promotion? The one with the big tits! % +There are two sides to every divorce: yours and the shithead's. +% There are two trees in the forest. They are very proud trees. One day they notice a sapling half-way between them. One tree proclaims, "That is a son of beech!" @@ -11772,6 +13551,9 @@ I've had my pecker in for a long time!" There is a definite parallel between shots of tequila and a woman's breasts. One is not enough and three are too many. % +"There is a God, but He drinks." + -- Blore +% There is a new model of car being sold in San Francisco -- the pervertible. The top doesn't go down, but the driver does. % @@ -11794,6 +13576,54 @@ There is nothing wrong with screwing everyone in sight. Boring your friends about it is the sin. -- Mama Liz % +There once was a couple named Kelley, +Who lived their life belly to belly. + Because in their haste + They used Library Paste, +Instead of Petroleum Jelly. +% +There once was a feisty young terrier +Who liked to bite girls on the derriere. + He'd yip and he'd yap, + Then leap up and snap, +And the fairer the derriere the merrier. +% +There once was a freshman named Lin, +Whose tool was as thin as a pin, + A virgin named Joan + From a bible belt home, +Said, "This won't be much of a sin." +% +There once was a hacker named Ken +Who inherited truckloads of Yen + So he built him some chicks + Of silicon chips +And hasn't been heard from since then. +% +There once was a lady from Exeter, +So pretty that men craned their necks at her. + One was even so brave + As to take out and wave +The distinguishing mark of his sex at her. +% +There once was a man named Eugene +Who invented a screwing machine + Concave and convex + It served either sex +And it played with itself in between. +% +There once was a plumber from Leigh, +Who was plumbing his maid by the sea, + Said she, "Please stop plumbing, + I think someone's coming!" +Said he, "Yes I know love, it's me." +% +There once was a queen of Bulgaria +Whose bush had grown hairier and hairier, + Till a prince from Peru + Who came up for a screw +Had to hunt for her cunt with a terrier. +% There once was a Sailor who looked through a glass And spied a fair mermaid with scales on her... island. Where seagulls flew over their nest. @@ -11813,6 +13643,24 @@ And cursing with spleen. This song may be dull, but it's certainly clean. -- "The Clean Song", Oscar Brandt % +There once was a Scot named McAmeter +With a tool of prodigious diameter. + It was not the size + That cause such surprise; +'Twas his rhythm -- iambic pentameter. +% +There was a bluestocking in Florence +Wrote anti-sex pamphlets in torrents, + Till a Spanish grandee, + Got her off with his knee, +And she burned all her works with abhorrence. +% +There was a gay countess of Bray, +And you may think it odd when I say, + That in spite of high station, + Rank and education, +She always spelled cunt with a "k". +% There was a man who, every day, would buy a newspaper on the way to work, glance at the headline, and hand it back to the newsboy. Day after day the man would go through this routine. Finally the newsboy could not stand it @@ -11824,6 +13672,82 @@ front page before discarding it?" be on the front page." -- Attributed to FDR. % +There was a young fellow named Bliss +Whose sex life was strangely amiss, + For even with Venus + His recalcitrant penis +Would never do better than t + h + i + s + . +% +There was a young girl from Hong Kong +Whose cervical cap was a gong. + She said with a yell, + As a shot rang her bell, +"I'll give you a ding for a dong!" +% +There was a young girl named Sapphire +Who succumbed to her lover's desire. + She said, "It's a sin, + But now that it's in, +Could you shove it a few inches higher?" +% +There was a young girl of Angina +Who stretched catgut across her vagina. + From the love-making frock + (With the proper sized cock) +Came Tocata and Fugue in D minor. +% +There was a young girl of Darjeeling +Who could dance with such exquisite feeling + There was never a sound + For miles around +Save of fly-buttons hitting the ceiling. +% +There was a young lad name of Durcan +Who was always jerkin' his gherkin. + His father said, "Durcan! + Stop jerkin' your gherkin! +Your gherkin's for ferkin', not jerkin'." +% +There was a young lady from Maine +Who claimed she had men on her brain. + But you knew from the view, + As her abdomen grew, +It was not on her brain that he'd lain. +% +There was a young lady named Clair +Who possessed a magnificent pair; + At least so I thought + Till I saw one get caught +On a thorn, and begin losing air. +% +There was a young lady named Hall, +Wore a newspaper dress to a ball. + The dress caught on fire + And burned her entire +Front page, sporting section, and all. +% +There was a young lady named Twiss +Who said she thought fucking a bliss, + For it tickled her bum + And caused her to come +.siht ekil gniyl ylbatrofmoc elihW +% +There was a young lady of Norway +Who hung by her toes in a doorway. + She said to her beau + "Just look at me, Joe; +I think I've discovered one more way." +% +There was a young man from Bel-Aire +Who was screwing his girl on the stair, + But the banister broke, + So he doubled his stroke, +And finished her off in mid-air. +% There was a young man hitchhiking along a road one day. A car stopped and the driver opened the door and asked, "What political party are you with?" He replied, "Why, I'm a Democrat." @@ -11841,12 +13765,48 @@ skirt was beginning to get hiked up on her thighs. Finally, he couldn't take it any more, and said "Ma'am, stop the car and let me out. I've only been a Republican for 15 minutes, and already I feel like screwing someone!" % +There was a young man named Crockett +Whose balls got caught in a socket. + His wife was a bitch, + And she threw the switch, +As Crockett went off like a rocket. +% +There was a young man of Cape Horn +Who wished he had never been born, + And he wouldn't have been + If his father had seen +That the end of the rubber was torn. +% +There was a young man of St. John's +Who wanted to bugger the swans. + But the loyal hall porter + Said, "Pray take my daughter! +Those birds are reserved for the dons." +% There was a young tenor named Springer, Got his testicles caught in a wringer. He hollered in pain, As they rolled down the drain, "There goes my career as a singer!" % +There was a young whore from Kaloo +Who filled her vagina with glue. + She said with a grin, + "If they pay to get in, +They can pay to get out again too!" +% +There was an old man of the port +Whose prick was remarkably short. + When he got into bed, + The old woman said, +"This isn't a prick; it's a wart!" +% +There was an old pirate named Bates +Who was learning to rhumba on skates. + He fell on his cutlass, + Which rendered him nutless +And practically useless on dates. +% There was once a newly-married couple. Now these two lovers were, well, rather uptight about using expressions such as "having sex", "getting it on", or "boffing the brains out". So, they decided to use the euphemism, "doing @@ -11881,6 +13841,18 @@ toothbrush?" There was something about her I liked, but I couldn't put my finger on it. % +There were the Scots +Who kept the Sabbath +And everything else they could lay their hands on. +Then there were the Welsh +Who prayed on their knees and their neighbors. +Thirdly there were the Irish +Who never knew what they wanted +But were willing to fight for it anyway. +Lastly there were the English +Who considered themselves a self-made nation +Thus relieving the Almighty of a dreadful responsibility. +% There's a handsome boy who tells me how I've changed his past. He buys me a brandy... Could it be he's really just after my ass? -- Pete Townshend, "How Many Friends" @@ -11913,6 +13885,11 @@ Chorus: With an *ugh!* and a groan, and a kick of the heels, Is a cup of cheer from the hand of a friend. -- Jubal Harshaw, "One For The Road" % +There's been no top authority saying what marijuana does to you. I +really don't know that much about it. I tried it once but it didn't do +anything to me. + -- John Wayne +% There's many a slurp t'wixt the tip and the zip. % There's more than one way to skin a cat: @@ -11921,6 +13898,22 @@ There's more than one way to skin a cat: Way #32 -- Wrap it around a lonely frat man's pecker. Way #33 -- A bicycle pump. % +There's more than one way to skin a cat: + Way number 15 -- Krazy Glue and a toothbrush. +% +There's more than one way to skin a cat: + Way number 27 -- Use an electric sander. +% +There's more than one way to skin a cat: + Way number 32 -- Wrap it around a lonely frat man's pecker. +% +There's nothing better than good sex. But bad sex? A peanut butter +and jelly sandwich is better than bad sex. + -- Billy Joel +% +There's nothing wrong with America that a good erection wouldn't cure. + -- David Mairowitz +% They ought to make butt-flavored cat food. -- Gallagher % @@ -12036,6 +14029,20 @@ tail and planting a demure kiss on its asshole. "Wait a minute," said the old guy. "Whaddaya mean, chapped lips?" "Keeps ya from lickin' 'em," explained the cowboy. % +This is a test of the emergency cunnilingus system. If this had been an +actual emergency, you would have known it! +% +This is National Smokers-Are-Shits Week. +% +This limerick is **SO**FILTHY** that it would offend you. So I'll put +"di-dah" for the filthy words: + + Di-dah, di-dah, di-dah di-dah, + Di-dah di-dah di-dah, di-dah; + Di-dah di-dah di-dah? + Di-dah di-dah di-dah. + Di-dah di-dah, di-dah di-fuck. +% This story concerns a man who, after putting his son to bed each night, would stand by his boy's door and listen to his son saying his prayers. One night, the boy ended his prayers with, "God specially bless Granddad, who won't be @@ -12059,11 +14066,28 @@ dead on the doorstep, was the milkman. % This system goes down more often than a two-dollar whore. % +This test has been designed to evaluate reactions of management +personnel to various situations. + +You are making a sales presentation to a group of corporate executives +in the plushest office you've ever seen. The enchilada casserole and +egg salad sandwich you had for lunch react, creating severe pressure. +Your sphincter loses control and you break wind, causing the glass +bookcase doors to shatter and a secretary to pass out. + +YOU SHOULD: + +(a) Offer to come back next week when the smell has gone away. +(b) Point to the Chief Executive and accuse him of the offense. +(c) Challenge anyone in the room to do better. +% This time it's for love; next time it's $100.00. % THORNY: A thailor at thea. % +Thou shalt not omit adultery. +% Thought: Girls get minks the same way minks get minks! % @@ -12147,6 +14171,8 @@ As they were three, and we were two, I bucked one and Timbuktu. -- the only known poem using the word "Timbuktu" % +To a Real Woman, every ejaculation is premature. +% To be the kind of girl designed to be kissed between the thighs. % To win a woman in the first place one must please her, then undress her, and @@ -12159,6 +14185,10 @@ Today is gonna be one helluva week! Todays title: Creative Violence in Sexual Relationships % +"Tom Hayden is the kind of politician who gives opportunism a bad +name." + -- Gore Vidal +% Tonight's piss is tomorrow's Tang. -- An American astronaut % @@ -12199,6 +14229,27 @@ T-shirt of the Day: T-shirt of the Week: I'm not excited, I'm cold! % +'Twas orgy, and the hip and mod And as in raffish thought he sprawled, +Did groove and trip out at the pad: The Radcliffe girl, no idle flirt, +All whimsy were the slamming chicks, Crept past the hippies getting balled +And the Radcliffe undergrad. And doffed her miniskirt. + +"Beware the Radcliffe girl, my son! One, two! One, two! And through +The looks that melt, the claws that and through + catch! The venerable staff went snicker-snack! +Beware the Byrn Mawr deb, and shun He left her bred, sans maidenhead, +The uppity Wellesleysnatch!" And went galumphing back. + +He took his venerable staff in hand: "And hast thou laid the Radcliffe girl? +Long time the cool young stuff he Come to my arms, my horny boy! + sought -- O spaced-out day! Calooh! Callay!" +So rested he among the spree He cackled in his joy. +And paused to smoke some pot. + 'Twas orgy, and the hip and mod + Did groove and trip out at the pad: + All whimsy were the slamming chicks, + And the Radcliffe undergrad. +% 'Twas orgy, and the hip and mod Did groove and trip out at the pad: "Beware the Radcliff girl, my son! All whimsy were the slamming chicks, The looks that mell, the claws that @@ -12406,6 +14457,10 @@ Et se poignarda dans les fesses. And stabbed himself in the ass. Uncle Sam comes off as the perverted relative who'll offer you a bit of candy, but if you won't bend over for him, you get a beating. % +"Under capitalism, man exploits man. Under Communism, it's just the +opposite." + -- John Kenneth Galbraith +% Unitarians pray "To whom it may concern". % Unix programmers do it with pipes. @@ -12425,6 +14480,11 @@ love her," sympathized the executive. "No, no," said the drunk. "I wish I had her back because I'm thirsty again." % +Uppers are no longer stylish, methedrine is almost as rare as pure acid +or DMT. "Consciousness Expansion" went out with LBJ and it is worth +noting, historically, that downers came in with Nixon. + -- Hunter S. Thompson +% U.S. of A.: "Don't speak to the bus driver." Germany: @@ -12517,6 +14577,8 @@ Vatican upholds ban on contraceptives: "To heir is humane," claims the Pope. Vd, n: The gift that keeps on giving. % +Vegetarians for oral sex -- "The only meat that's fit to eat" +% Very few modern women either like or desire marriage, especially after the ceremony has been performed. Primarily women wish attention and affection. Matrimony is something they accept when there is no alternative. Really, @@ -12524,6 +14586,9 @@ it is a waste of time, and hazardous, to marry them. It leaves one open to a rival. Husbands, good or bad, always have rivals. Lovers, never. -- Helen Lawrenson, "Esquire" % +Vidi, vici, veni. +(I saw, I conquered, I came.) +% Viennese Oyster: Lady who can cross her feet behind her head, lying on her back, of course. When she has done so, you hold her tightly round each instep with your full hand and squeeze, lying on her full-length. Don't try to put @@ -12535,6 +14600,9 @@ know. Tolerable for short periods only but gives tremendous genital pressure for both. -- The Joy of Sex % +Virgin, n.: + An ugly third grader. +% Virginity is a bubble on the sea of life, which takes but one prick to break. -- Jordan Sand @@ -12557,6 +14625,8 @@ W. Lafayette may not be the asshole of the universe... % Waldheimers disease is what you have when you can't remember you were a Nazi. % +War is menstruation envy. +% Was it you that did the pushin', Left the stains upon the cushion, The footprints on the dashboard upside-down? @@ -12594,6 +14664,9 @@ I need someone to protect But I'm not waiting on a lady I'm just waiting on a friend -- Rolling Stones, "Waiting on a Friend" % +"Water? Never touch the stuff! Fish fuck in it." + -- W. C. Fields +% We ... make the modern error of dignifying the Individual. We do everything we can to butter him up. We give him a name, assure him that he has certain inalienable rights, educate him, let him pass on his name to his brats and @@ -12629,12 +14702,18 @@ Gorge yourselves from moon till noon Ever gay, we'll never grow up, Sing: GOBBLE, GOBBLE, GOBBLE, GOBBLE, GOBBLE, GOBBLE, GOBBLE, GOBBLE! -- Bored of the Rings, "The Hobbits National Anthem" % +We call our dog Egypt, because in every room he leaves a pyramid. +% We came, we saw, we kicked its ass! -- Bill Murray, "Ghostbusters" % We don't have to protect the environment -- the Second Coming is at hand. -- James Watt, noted ecologist % +"We don't have to protect the environment -- the Second Coming is at +hand." + -- James Watt +% We drove to the hotel and said goodbye. How hypocritical to go upstairs with a man you don't want to fuck, leave the one you do sitting there alone, and then, in a state of great excitement, fuck the one you don't want to @@ -12690,6 +14769,10 @@ They turned the poor beast over That faithful hound From Tenerief to Dover % +"We should declare war on North Vietnam. We could pave the whole +country and put parking strips on it, and still be home by Christmas." + -- Ronald Reagan +% We took some pictures of the girls, but they weren't developed. -- Groucho Marx % @@ -12874,6 +14957,29 @@ Well, see, I was out with this chick last night, and we were in bed, and she groaned to me, "Give me nine inches, and make it hurt!" So, I fucked her twice and slapped her. % +Well, see, Joyce, there we were, trapped in the elevator. Now, I had +my tennis racquet and the goldfish; she was holding the Crisco. Surely +you can imagine how one thing naturally led to another! +% +Well, there was this tiger, who woke up one morning, and just felt +great (yes, just like Tony the Tiger: GREAAAAAAT). Anyway, he just +felt so good, he went out and cornered a small monkey and roared at +him: "WHO IS THE MIGHTIEST OF ALL THE JUNGLE ANIMALS?" And this poor +quaking little monkey replied: "You are of course, no one is mightier +than you." A little while later this tiger confronts a deer, and just +bellows out: "WHO IS THE GREATEST AND STRONGEST OF ALL THE JUNGLE +ANIMALS?" The deer is shaking so hard it can barely speak, but manages +to stammer: "Oh great tiger, you are by far the mightiest animal in the +jungle." The tiger, being on a roll, swaggered, up to an elephant that +was quietly munching on some weeds, and roared at the top of his voice: +"WHO IS THE MIGHTIEST OF ALL THE ANIMALS IN THE JUNGLE?" Well, this +elephant grabs the tiger with his trunk, picks him up, slams him down; +picks him up again, and shakes him until the tiger is just a blur of +orange and black; and finally throws him violently into a nearby tree. +The tiger staggers to his feet and looks at the elephant and says: +"Man, just because you don't know the answer, you don't have to get so +pissed." +% Well, you almost got it right. The only problem is, you're doing it exactly backwards! Just reverse the motions you described and your partner will experience an incredibly intense orgasm. One trouble with this technique, @@ -12908,6 +15014,19 @@ of the tail pipe. We're all looking for a woman who can sit in a mini-skirt and talk philosophy, executing both with confidence and style. % +WE'RE GOING TO THROW THE MX AWAY AFTER WE BUILD IT. The MX is really +[Don't tell anybody!] just a "bargaining chip" in the nuclear-arms- +reduction talks with the Russians. See, we have a problem with the +Russians. They look at our leaders and they see, for example, George +Bush, who is really a fine and brave man but who happens to have this +unfortunate physical characteristic whereby when he talks he sounds as +though he just inhaled a helium party balloon. If he ever becomes +President, the Russians will deliberately create nuclear crises just so +they can gather around the Hot Line with refreshments and listen to +George talk. + -- Dave Barry, "At Last, the Ultimate Deterrent Against + Political Fallout" +% Were it not for imagination, sir, a man would be as happy in the arms of a chambermaid as a duchess. -- Dr. Johnson @@ -12933,10 +15052,15 @@ What a man enjoys most about a woman's clothes are his fantasies of how she would look without them. -- Brendan Francis % +What can you use used tampons for? Tea bags for vampires. +% What creatures of habit we are. This morning, without thinking, half asleep, I put $100 on my pillow. That's not so bad, no one would worry about it, but my wife, half asleep, without thinking, gave me $20 change. % +What did Mickey Mouse get for Christmas? +A Dan Quayle watch. +% What did Snow white say when told she was pregnant? "I'd like to thank all the little people who made this possible..." @@ -12953,6 +15077,11 @@ sex than you are. -- Victor Lownes, quoted in "In and Out: Debrett 1980-81", by N. Mackwood % +What is the difficulty with writing a PDP-8 program to emulate Jerry +Ford? + +Figuring out what to do with the other 3K. +% What the fuck, over? % What this department needs is a really good inflatable doll. @@ -13042,6 +15171,11 @@ When you come home, you can eat pork and beans, I eats more chicken than any man's seen. -- Willie Dixon, "Backdoor Man", 1961 % +When God created man, She was only testing. +% +When God created two sexes, he may have been overdoing it. + -- Charles Merrill Smith +% When he tried to inject his huge whanger A young man aroused his girl's anger. As they strove in the dark @@ -13059,6 +15193,10 @@ the boss caught up with her. "I've got some bad news for you, Liz," he said. "I've got to lay you or Jack off." "Jack off," she snapped. "I have a headache." % +"When I grow up, I want to be an honest lawyer so things like that +can't happen." + -- Richard Nixon as a boy (on the Teapot Dome scandal) +% When I need something To help me unwind I find a six-foot baby What kind of guy @@ -13101,6 +15239,9 @@ But sure as the devil, that word with a hiss It's only in Shakespeare that characters ____. -- Ogden Nash % +When it all boils down to the essence of truth one must live by a dog's +rule of life: if you can't eat it or fuck it, piss on it! +% When Snow White turns on with the dwarfs she probably winds up feeling Dopey. % When somebody protested at [Pope Alexander VI's] wholesale distribution of @@ -13201,6 +15342,12 @@ While farmers generally allow one rooster for ten hens, ten men are scarcely sufficient to service one woman. -- Boccaccio % +While I, with my usual enthusiasm, +Was exploring in Ermintrude's busiasm, + She explained, "They are flat, + But think nothing of that -- +You will find that my sweet sister Susiasm." +% While not actually a sailor, I certainly enjoy getting blown ashore. % While sitting 'neath an oak one morn @@ -13233,6 +15380,10 @@ Whip it right. Whip it, baby. Whip it all night! % +"White House carpenters have reworked the master bedroom, remodeling it +so that Ronnie can sleep with his head in the hall. That way, by the +time he wakes up, somebody will have already shined his hair." +% Why does Dr. Pepper come in a bottle? Because his wife left him. But things are looking up for their reconciliation. @@ -13250,9 +15401,16 @@ Why I am an atheist: 4. We should all strive to be like God. 5. We should all be atheists. % +Why is it that there are so many more horses' asses than there are +horses? + -- G. Gordon Liddy +% Why is Mrs. Carter always on top when she and Jimmy make love? Because all Jimmy Carter can do is fuck up. % +Why marry a virgin? If she wasn't good enough for the rest of them +then she isn't good enough for you. +% Why not, for example, offer a brand-new Mustang convertible to every girl who consents to having her Fallopian tubes tied in a Gordian knot? ... It would have the additional benefit of eliminating from the gene pool those @@ -13299,6 +15457,13 @@ Women think of being a man as a gift. It is a duty. Even making love can be a duty. A man has always got to get it up, and love isn't always enough. -- Norman Mailer % +Women Unite! Make *___him* sleep in the wet spot tonight! +% +Women who want to be equal to men lack imagination + -- Graffito in a women's restroom +% +Women's Libbers are OK. I just wouldn't want my sister to marry one. +% Working hard around here is like pissing on yourself in a dark suit; you get a warm feeling but nobody notices. % @@ -13325,6 +15490,9 @@ avers. "And the Russian's, too?" The angel avers yet again. Then the Jew thinks a moment, leans back and says, "In that case, I think I'd like a small cup of coffee." % +Would you mind terribly much if I asked you to take your silly-assed +problem down the hall? +% Would you rather have a 5-inch hard or an 8-inch floppy? % Writers do it between periods. @@ -13332,18 +15500,53 @@ Writers do it between periods. "Yeah, I used to be into necrophilia, bestiality and sadism, but then I realized I was just flogging a dead horse." % +"Yes, that was Richard Nixon. He used to be President. When he left +the White House, the Secret Service would count the silverware." + -- Woody Allen, "Sleeper" +% Yesterday is a memory, Tomorrow is a vision, Today is a bitch! % +You always introduce the younger person to the older person, using the +wording: "Miss Brown, I'd like to introduce you to an older person" +(unless her name is not "Miss Brown"). If you do not know a person's +age, ask for a driver's license and a major credit card. If you are +introduced to a member of a minority group, use the "high-five" style +handshake, followed by a remark designed to show you don't mind a bit, +such as "I see you are a (name of a minority group)! Good!" + -- Dave Barry, "The Stuff of Etiquette" +% +"You and I as individuals can, by borrowing, live beyond our means, but +only for a limited period of time. Why should we think that collectively, +as a nation, we are not bound by that same limitation?" + -- Ronald Reagan +% You are a tower of strength in the office, but only so-so in bed. % +You are at a business lunch when you are suddenly overcome with an +uncontrollable desire to pick your nose. Since this is definitely a +no-no, you: + +(a) Pretend to wave to someone across the room and with one fluid + motion, bury your forefinger in your nostril right up to the 4th + joint. + +(b) Get everyone drunk and organize a nose picking contest with a prize + to the one who makes his nose bleed first. + +(c) Drop your napkin on the floor, and when you bend over to pick it up, + blow your nose on your sock. +% You are without a doubt a rogue, a rascal, a villain, a thief, a scoundrel, and a mean, dirty, stinking, sniveling, sneaking, pimping, pocketpicking, thrice double-damned, no-good son-of-a-bitch. % You are witty, charming, handsome and above average in length. % +You better believe that marijuana can cause castration. Just suppose +your girlfriend gets the munchies! +% "You can beat my meat, but you can't lick my sauce!" -- Boss' Ribs, Portland, Oregon % @@ -13353,12 +15556,52 @@ You can get used to living at a nudist camp. The first three days are the hardest. -- R. Dreiser % +You can lead a whore to Vasser, but you can't make her think. + -- Frederick B. Artz +% +You can pick your friends, and you can pick your nose, but you can't +pick your friend's nose. +% +You can't underestimate the power of fear. + -- Tricia Nixon +% +You come out of a woman and you spend the rest of your life trying to +get back inside. + -- Heathcote Williams +% You have been bitchy since Tuesday and you'll probably get fired today. % +You have just returned from a trip to Green Bay, Wisconsin in January +and tell your boss that nobody but whores and football players live +there. He mentions that his wife is from Green Bay. You: + +(a) Pretend you are suffering from amnesia and don't remember your + name. + +(b) Ask what position she played. + +(c) Ask if she is still working the streets. +% +You have prepared a proposal for your supervisor. The success of this +proposal will mean increasing your salary 20%. In the middle of your +proposal your supervisor leans over to look at your report and spits +into your coffee. You: + +(a) Tell him you take your coffee black. + +(b) Ask him if he has any communicable diseases. + +(c) Show him who's in command; promptly take a leak in his "In" + basket. +% You have to be a bastard to make it, and that's a fact. And the Beatles are the biggest bastards on earth. -- John Lennon % +"You have to regard everything I say with suspicion -- I may be trying +to bullshit you, or I may just be bullshitting you inadvertently." + -- J. Wainwright, Mathematics 140b +% You know the Norplant thing? It's a new birth control device for women. It's a cartridge, that goes in your arm. Well, they're coming out with a new one for men: it's a brain, that goes in your head. @@ -13447,3 +15690,4 @@ I just gave my sister's cherry away! To a couple of truckers from Erie P.A., Zippity doo dah, zippity ay. -- John Valby +% diff --git a/games/fortune/datfiles/fortunes-o.fake b/games/fortune/datfiles/fortunes-o.fake deleted file mode 100644 index 3b3f5a3d6f..0000000000 --- a/games/fortune/datfiles/fortunes-o.fake +++ /dev/null @@ -1,2 +0,0 @@ -There are no potentially offensive fortunes installed on this -system. For further details, contact your system administrator. diff --git a/games/fortune/datfiles/fortunes-o.real b/games/fortune/datfiles/fortunes-o.real deleted file mode 100644 index 24624dff57..0000000000 --- a/games/fortune/datfiles/fortunes-o.real +++ /dev/null @@ -1,2246 +0,0 @@ -%% $FreeBSD: src/games/fortune/datfiles/fortunes-o.real,v 1.4.2.5 2002/08/09 20:40:24 fanf Exp $ -%% $DragonFly: src/games/fortune/datfiles/fortunes-o.real,v 1.2 2003/06/17 04:25:23 dillon Exp $ - My Favorite Drugs [Sung to My Favorite Things] -Reefers and roach clips and papers and rollers -Cocaine and procaine for twenty year molars -Reds and peyote to work out your bugs -These are a few of my favorite drugs. - -Uppers and downers and methedrine freakout -Take some amphetamines, watch your brains leak out -Acid and mescaline pull out your plugs -These are a few of my favorite drugs. - -Backs that are perfect for carrying monkeys -Users of heroin, often called junkies -Methadone helps then to stop being thugs -Takes them off one of my favorite drugs. - - On a bad trip - When the cops come - When I lose my head - I simply take more of my favorite drugs - And then I'm not sad -- I'm dead! -% - NEW ADDITION TO THE LIBRARY: -"Sally", the department's new inflatable doll, is available on a -short-term removal basis only -- please sign her out and return her -promptly to avoid extended waits. (We are still awaiting shipment of -our "Big John" doll.) -% - ... But among the children of the Great Society there were -those whose skins were black. And lo! Their portion was niggardly, -and of the fatted calf they were sucking hind teat.... - Now it came to pass that a prophet rose up amongst them, and -they called him King. And he went unto Pharaoh and said, "Let my -people go to the front of the bus." - But Pharaoh answered: "In the fullness of time and with all -deliberate speed shall this thing come to pass. When ye shall prove -yourselves worthy, shall ye have your just portion -- yea, verily, like -unto a snowball in Hell." - -- "The Begatting of a President" -% - And Jesus said unto them, "And whom do you say that I am?" - They replied, "You are the eschatological manifestation of the -ground of our being, the ontological foundation of the context of our -very selfhood revealed." - And Jesus replied, "What?" -% - "God built a compelling sex drive into every creature, no -matter what style of fucking it practiced. He made sex irresistibly -pleasurable, wildly joyous, free from fears. He made it innocent -merriment. - "Needless to say, fucking was an immediate smash hit. Everyone -agreed, from aardvarks to zebras. All the jolly animals -- lions and -lambs, rhinoceroses and gazelles, skylarks and lobsters, even insects, -though most of them fuck only once in a lifetime -- fucked along -innocently and merrily for hundreds of millions of years. Maybe they -were dumb animals, but they knew a good thing when they had one." - -- Alan Sherman, "The Rape of the A*P*E*" -% - In the beginning was the DEMO Project. And the Project was -without form. And darkness was upon the staff members thereof. So -they spake unto their Division Head, saying, "It is a crock of shit, -and it stinks." - - And the Division Head spake unto his Department Head, saying, -"It is a crock of excrement and none may abide the odor thereof." Now, -the Department Head spake unto his Directorate Head, saying, "It is a -container of excrement, and is very strong, such that none may abide -before it." And it came to pass that the Directorate Head spake unto -the Assistant Technical Director, saying, "It is a vessel of fertilizer -and none may abide by its strength." - - And the assistant Technical Director spake thus unto the -Technical Director, saying, "It containeth that which aids growth and -it is very strong." And, Lo, the Technical Director spake then unto -the Captain, saying, "The powerful new Project will help promote the -growth of the Laboratories." - - And the Captain looked down upon the Project, and He saw that -it was Good! -% - Overheard in a bar: -Man: "Hey, Baby, I'd sure like to get in your pants!" -Woman: "No, thanks, I've already got one ass-hole in there now." -% - The big problem with pornography is defining it. You can't -just say it's pictures of people naked. For example, you have these -primitive African tribes that exist by chasing the wildebeest on foot, -and they have to go around largely naked, because, as the old tribal -saying goes: "N'wam k'honi soit qui mali," which means, "If you think -you can catch a wildebeest in this climate and wear clothes at the same -time, then I have some beach front property in the desert region of -Northern Mali that you may be interested in." - So it's not considered pornographic when National Geographic -publishes color photographs of these people hunting the wildebeest -naked, or pounding one rock onto another rock for some primitive reason -naked, or whatever. But if National Geographic were to publish an -article entitled "The Girls of the California Junior College System -Hunt the Wildebeest Naked," some people would call it pornography. But -others would not. And still others, such as the Spectacularly Rev. -Jerry Falwell, would get upset about seeing the wildebeest naked. - -- Dave Barry, "Pornography" -% - The defense attorney was hammering away at the plaintiff: "You -claim," he jeered, "that my client came at you with a broken bottle in -his hand. But is it not true, that you had something in YOUR hand?" - - "Yes," he admitted, "his wife. Very charming, of course, but -not much good in a fight." -% - The Gray-haired Woman's Complaint - -My back aches, my pussy is sore; -I simply can't fuck any more; - I'm covered with sweat, - And you haven't come yet, -And my God, it's a quarter to four! -% - Them Toad Suckers - -How 'bout them toad suckers, ain't they clods? -Sittin' there suckin' them green toady frogs! - -Suckin' them hop toads, suckin' them chunkers, -Suckin' them a leapy type, suckin' them flunkers. - -Look at them toad suckers, ain't they snappy? -Suckin' them bog frogs sure make's 'em happy! - -Them hugger mugger toad suckers, way down south, -Stickin' them sucky toads in they mouth! - -How to be a toad sucker, no way to duck it, -Get yourself a toad, rear back, and suck it! - -- Mason Williams -% - Two little kids, aged six and eight, decide it's time to learn -how to swear. So, the eight-year-old says to the six-year-old, "Okay, -you say `ass' and I'll say `hell'". - All excited about their plan, they troop downstairs, where -their mother asks them what they'd like for breakfast. - "Aw, hell," says the eight-year-old, "gimme some Cheerios." -His mother backhands him off the stool, sending him bawling out of the -room, and turns to the younger brother. "What'll you have?" - "I dunno," quavers the six-year-old, "but you can bet your ass -it ain't gonna be Cheerios." -% - "What the hell are you getting so upset about? I thought you -didn't believe in God." - "I don't," she sobbed, bursting violently into tears, "but the -God I don't believe in is a good God, a just God, a merciful God. He's -not the mean and stupid God you make Him out to be." - -- Joseph Heller, "Catch-22" -% - When the surgeon came to see her on the morning after her -operation, the young woman asked her somewhat hesitantly how long it -would be before she could resume her sex life. "I really haven't -thought about it," gulped the stunned surgeon. "You're the first -patient who's asked me that after a tonsillectomy!" -% - The Split-Atom Blues - -Gimme Twinkies, gimme wine, - Gimme jeans by Calvin Kline.... -But if you split those atoms fine, - Mama keep 'em off those genes of mine! - -Gimme zits, take my dough, - Gimme arsenic in my jelly roll.... -Call the devil and sell my soul, - But Mama keep dem atoms whole! - -- Milo Bloom, "Bloom County" -% -... And then there's the guy who bought 20,000 bras, cut them in half, -and sold 40,000 yamalchas with chin straps.... -% -... But the reward of a successful collaboration is a thing that cannot -be produced by either of the parties working alone. It is akin to the -benefits of sex with a partner, as opposed to masturbation. The latter -is fun, but you show me anyone who has gotten a baby from playing with -him or herself, and I'll show you an ugly baby, with just a whole bunch -of knuckles. - -- Harlan Ellison -% -71: - 69 with two fingers up your ass. - -- George Carlin -% -... Let me tell you who the actual "front-runners" are. On one side, -you have George Bush, who is currently going through a sort of -fraternity hazing wherein he has to perform a series of humiliating -stunts to win the approval of the Republican Right. For example, they -had him make a speech oozing praise all over William Loeb, deceased -publisher of the Manchester (N.H.) Union Leader and Slime Journalist. -Loeb had dumped viciously all over George in the 1980 New Hampshire -primary. But when the Right held a big tribute for Loeb, George came -back to the fold, like a man with a bungee cord wrapped around his -neck. - -- Dave Barry, "The Twinkie and the Squid" -% -... So this is a very confusing situation, and what makes it even worse -is, our standards keep changing. Take Playboy magazine. Back in the -1950s, when I started reading it strictly for the articles, Playboy was -considered just about the raciest thing around, even though all it ever -showed was women's breasts. Granted, any given one of these breasts -would have provided adequate shelter for a family of four, but the -overall effect was no more explicit than many publications we think -nothing of today, such as Sports Illustrated's Annual Nipples Poking -Through Swimsuits Issue. - -- Dave Barry, "Pornography" -% -... The Father, the Son and the Holy Ghost would never throw the Devil -out of Heaven as long as they still need him as a fourth for bridge. - -- Letter in NEW LIBERTARIAN NOTES #19 -% -A bather whose clothing was strewed -By breezes that left her quite nude, - Saw a man come along - And, unless I'm quite wrong, -You expected this line to be lewd. -% -A beat schizophrenic said, "Me? -I am not I, I'm a tree." - But another, more sane, - Shouted, "I'm a Great Dane!" -And covered his pants leg with pee. -% -A bureaucracy is like a septic tank -- all the really big shits float -to the top. -% -A Christian is a man who feels repentance on Sunday for what he did on -Saturday and is going to do on Monday. - -- Thomas Ybarra -% -A conservative is a man who believes that nothing should be done for -the first time. - -- Alfred E. Wiggam -% -A conservative is a man with two perfectly good legs who has never -learned to walk. - -- Franklin D. Roosevelt -% -A friend with weed is a friend indeed. -% -A hard man is good to find. -% -A man needs a mistress, just to break the monogamy. -% -A mathematician named Hall -Has a hexahedronical ball, - And the cube of its weight - Times his pecker's, plus eight -Is his phone number -- give him a call. -% -"A Mormon is a man that has the bad taste and the religion to do what a -good many other people are restrained from doing by conscientious -scruples and the police." - -- Mr. Dooley -% -A Nixon [is preferable to] a Dean Rusk -- who will be passionately -wrong with a high sense of consistency. - -- J. K. Galbraith -% -A non-vegetarian anti-abortionist is a contradiction in terms. - -- Phyllis Schlafly -% -A nymph hits you and steals your virginity. -% -A person who has both feet planted firmly in the air can be safely -called a liberal. -% -A pretty young lady named Vogel -Once sat herself down on a molehill. - A curious mole - Nosed into her hole -- -Ms. Vogel's ok, but the mole's ill. -% -A pretty young maiden from France -Decided she'd "just take a chance." - She let herself go - For an hour or so -And now all her sisters are aunts. -% -A Puritan is someone who is deathly afraid that someone, somewhere, is -having fun. -% -A reactionary is a man whose political opinions always manage to keep -up with yesterday. -% -A remarkable race are the Persians; -They have such peculiar diversions. - They make love the whole day - In the usual way -And save up the nights for perversions. -% -A team playing baseball in Dallas -Called the umpire blind out of malice. - While this worthy had fits - The team made eight hits -And a girl in the bleachers named Alice. -% -A wanton young lady from Wimley -Reproached for not acting quite primly - Said, "Heavens above! - I know sex isn't love, -But it's such an entrancing facsimile." -% -A widow who fancied a man some -Was diddled three times in a hansom. - When she clamored for more - Her young man became sore -And exclaimed "My name's Simpson not Samson." -% -"A woman is like a dresser ... some man always goin' through her -drawers." - -- Blind Lemon Pledge -% -A worried young man from Stamboul -Founds lots of red spots on his tool. - Said the doctor, a cynic, - "Get out of my clinic; -Just wipe off the lipstick, you fool!" -% -Absinthe makes the tart grow fonder. -% -"Acceptance without proof is the fundamental characteristic of Western -religion, Rejection without proof is the fundamental characteristic of -Western science." - -- Gary Zukav, "The Dancing Wu Li Masters" -% -Achilles' Biological Findings: - (1) If a child looks like his father, that's heredity. If he - looks like a neighbor, that's environment. - (2) A lot of time has been wasted arguing over what came first - -- the chicken or the egg. It was undoubtedly the - rooster. -% -A.I. hackers do it with robots. -% -Aide to Raygun: Sir, the poor are outside protesting your budget - cuts. -Raygun himself: Tell them they'll have to help themselves. -Aide to Raygun: Sir, the Pentagon wants another $30 billion. -Raygun himself: Tell them to help themselves. -% -All a hacker needs is a tight PUSHJ, a loose pair of UUOs, and a warm -place to shift. -% -All the waters of the earth are in the armpit of the Great Frog. - -- R. Crumb -% -All things dull and ugly, All creatures short and squat, - All things rude and nasty, The Lord God made the lot; -Each little snake that poisons, Each little wasp that stings, - He made their brutish venom, He made their horrid wings. -All things sick and cancerous, All evil great and small, - All things foul and dangerous, The Lord God made them all. -Each nasty little hornet, Each beastly little squid. - Who made the spikey urchin? Who made the sharks? He did. -All things scabbed and ulcerous, All pox both great and small. - Putrid, foul and gangrenous, The Lord God made them all. - -- Monty Python's Flying Circus -% -America is a large, friendly dog in a very small room. Every time it -wags its tail, it knocks over a chair. - -- Arnold Joseph Toynbee -% -An architect fellow named Yoric -Could, when feeling euphoric, - Display for selection - Three kinds of erection -- -Corinthian, ionic, and doric. -% -An Army travels on her stomach. -% -An egg has the shortest sex-life of all: it gets laid once; it gets -eaten once. It also has to come in a box with 11 others, and the only -person who will sit on its face is its mother. -% -"And Bezel saideth unto Sham: `Sham,' he saideth, `Thou shalt goest -unto the town of Begorrah, and there thou shalt fetcheth unto thine -bosom 35 talents, and also shalt thou fetcheth a like number of cubits, -provideth that they are nice and fresh.'" - -- Dave Barry, "Getting Religion" -% -Anxiety, n.: - The first time you can't do it a second time. - -Panic, n.: - The second time you can't do it the first time. -% -"Anything created must necessarily be inferior to the essence of the creator." - -- Claude Shouse - -"Einstein's mother must have been one heck of a physicist." - -- Joseph C. Wang -% -"Approximately 80% of our air pollution stems from hydrocarbons -released by vegetation, so let's not go overboard in setting and -enforcing tough emissions standards from man-made sources." - -- Ronald Reagan -% -As Rev. Spooner would say, you are a shining wit. -% -Back in the good ole days in Texas, when stagecoaches and the like was -popular, there were three people in a stagecoach one day: a true red- -blooded born-and-raised Texas gentleman, a tenderfoot city-slicker from -back East, and a beautiful and well-endowed Texas lady. The city- -slicker kept eyeing the lady, and finally he leaned forward and said, -"Lady, I'll give you $10 for a blow job." The Texas gentleman looked -appalled, pulled out his pistol, and killed the city-slicker on the -spot. The lady gasped and said, "Thank you, suh, for defendin' mah -honor!" Whereupon the Texan holstered his gun and said, "Your honor, -hell! No tenderfoot is gonna raise the price of women in Texas!" -% -Baltimore, n.: - Where the women wear turtleneck sweaters to hide their flea -collars. -% -Bankers do it with interest (penalty for early withdrawal). -% -Be prepared... that's the Boy Scout's solemn creed. -Be prepared... to be clean in word and deed. -Don't solicit for your sister, that's not nice, -Unless you get a good percentage of her price ... - -- Tom Lehrer -% -Behold the unborn fetus and - Weep salt tears crocodilian; -All life is sacred (save, of course, - An enemy civilian). -% -Being stoned on marijuana isn't very different from being stoned on -gin. - -- Ralph Nader -% -Beneath this stone a virgin lies, -For her life held no terrors. -A virgin born, a virgin died: -No hits, no runs, no errors. -% -Beware of altruism. It is based on self-deception, the root of all -evil. -% -Blessed are the meek for they shall inhibit the earth. -% -Booze is the answer. I don't remember the question. -% -Build a better mousetrap, the saying goes -- and with the brassiere, -Yankee Ingenuity did exactly that. But their true stroke of genius was -the new bait. The old fashioned mousetrap was loaded with cheese; -nobody cares much about cheese, except mice. But when American -Know-How reloaded the brassiere with tits, every heterosexual male in -the country was hopelessly trapped. - -- Alan Sherman, "The Rape of the A*P*E*" -% -"California is proud to be the home of the freeway." - -- Ronald Reagan -% -"Can you hammer a 6-inch spike into a wooden plank with your penis?" - -"Uh, not right now." - -"Tsk. A girl has to have some standards." - -- "Real Genius" -% -Captain Hook died of jock itch. -% -Champagne don't make me lazy. -Cocaine don't drive me crazy. -Ain't nobody's business but my own. - -- Taj Mahal -% -Chaste makes waste. -% -Chipmunks roasting on an open fire -Jack Frost ripping up your nose -Yuletide carolers being thrown in the fire -And folks dressed up like buffaloes -Everybody knows a turkey slaughtered in the snow -Helps to make the season right -Tiny tots with their eyes all gouged out -Will find it hard to see tonight -They know that Santa's on his way -He's loaded lots of guns and bullets on his sleigh -And every mother's child is sure to spy -To see if reindeer really scream when they die -And so I'm offering this simple phrase -To kids from one to ninety two -Although it's been said many times, many ways -Merry Christmas, Merry Christmas, Merry Christmas, Fuck you!! -% -Christian, n.: - One who believes that the New Testament is a divinely inspired -book admirably suited to the spiritual needs of his neighbor. One who -follows the teachings of Christ in so far as they are not inconsistent -with a life of sin. -% -Christianity has not been tried and found wanting; it has been found -difficult and not tried. - -- G. K. Chesterton -% -Clarke's Third Law: - Any sufficiently advanced technology is indistinguishable from -magic. - -G's Third Law: - In spite of all evidence to the contrary, the entire universe -is composed of only two basic substances: magic and bullshit. - -H's Dictum: - There is no magic... -% -Claude believed that only smart attractive people had the right to -fuck, and it sincerely hurt him when he discovered evidence to the -contrary. - -- Tom Robbins -% -CLONE OF MY OWN (to Home on the Range) - -Oh, give me a clone -Of my own flesh and bone - With the Y chromosome changed to X. -And when she is grown, -My very own clone, - We'll be of the opposite sex. - -Chorus: - Clone, clone of my own, - With the Y chromosome changed to X. - And when we're alone, - Since her mind is my own, - She'll be thinking of nothing but sex. - -- Randall Garrett -% -Cocaine is nature's way of telling you you have too much money. -% -Coito ergo sum -% -College is like a woman -- you work so hard to get in, and nine months -later you wish you'd never come. -% -Communists do it without class. -% -Condoms are like listening to a symphony with cotton in your ears. -% -Conservative, n.: - One who admires radicals centuries after they're dead. - -- Leo C. Rosten -% -Conserve energy -- make love more slowly. -% -Cunnilingus is next to godliness. -% -Dammit, how many times do I have to tell you? _____FIRST you rape, ____THEN you -pillage!! -% -Dear Lord, observe this bended knee -This visage meek and humble, -And hear this confidential plea -Voiced in reverent mumble: - Give me Shylock, give me Fagin - But O God spare me Ronald Reagan! - -- Ansel Adams -% -"Dear Mr. Seldes: I cannot remember the exact wording of the statement -to which you allude; but what I meant was that ... a man who calls -himself a 100% American and is proud of it, is generally 150% an idiot -politically. But the designations may be good business for war -veterans. Having bled for their country in 1861 and 1918, they have -bled it all they could consequently. And why not?" - -- George Seldes, "The Great Quotations" -% -Democracy can learn some things from Communism: for example, when a -Communist politician is through, he is through. -% -Democracy means simply the bludgeoning of the people by the people for -the people. - -- Oscar Wilde -% -Did you hear about the new German microwave oven? - - ... Seats 500. -% -Did you know that Spiro Agnew is an anagram of "Grow a Penis"? -% -Did you know that there are 71.9 acres of nipple tissue in the U.S.? -% -[District Attorneys] learn in District Attorney School that there are -two sure-fire ways to get a lot of favorable publicity: - -(1) Go down and raid all the lockers in the local high school and - confiscate 53 marijuana cigarettes and put them in a pile and hold - a press conference where you announce that they have a street value - of $850 million. These raids never fail, because ALL high schools, - including brand-new, never-used ones, have at least 53 marijuana - cigarettes in the lockers. As far as anyone can tell, the locker - factory puts them there. -(2) Raid an "adult book store" and hold a press conference where you - announce you are charging the owner with 850 counts of being a - piece of human sleaze. This also never fails, because you always - get a conviction. A juror at a pornography trial is not about to - state for the record that he finds nothing obscene about a movie - where actors engage in sexual activities with live snakes and a - fire extinguisher. He is going to convict the bookstore owner, and - vote for the death penalty just to make sure nobody gets the wrong - impression. - -- Dave Barry, "Pornography" -% -Do something big -- fuck a giant -% -"Do you cheat on your wife?" asked the psychiatrist. -"Who else?" answered the patient. -% -Doctors take two aspirin and do it in the morning. -% -"Don't let your mouth write no check that your tail can't cash." - -- Bo Diddley -% -Dope will get you through times of no money better that money will get -you through times of no dope. - -- Gilbert Shelton -% -Draft beer, not people -% -Eat the rich -- the poor are tough and stringy. -% -Eisenhower was very nice, -Nixon was his only vice. - -- C. Degen -% -Eleven reasons a cucumber is better than a man: - (1) Cucumbers can stay up all night, and you won't have to - sleep in the wet spot. - (2) Cucumbers don't play the guitar and try to find - themselves. - (3) You won't find out later that your cucumber (a) is - married, (b) is on penicillin, (c) likes you -- but loves - your brother! - (4) A cucumber won't care what time of the month it is. - (5) A cucumber never wants to get it on when your nails are - wet. - (6) Cucumbers don't say "Let's keep trying until we have a - boy". - (7) Cucumbers won't tell you size doesn't count. - (8) A cucumber won't leave you for a cheerleader or an ex-nun. - (9) Cucumbers don't fall asleep on your chest or drool on the - pillow. - (10) Cucumbers don't care if you make more money than they do. - (11) With a cucumber, the toilet seat is always the way you - left it. -% -Equality is not when a female Einstein gets promoted to assistant -professor; equality is when a female schlemiel moves ahead as fast as a -male schlemiel. - -- Ewald Nyquist -% -Evangelists do it with Him watching. -% -"Even nowadays a man can't step up and kill a woman without feeling -just a bit unchivalrous ..." - -- Robert Benchley -% -Feminists say 60 percent of the country's wealth is in the hands of -women. They're letting men hold the other 40 percent because their -handbags are full. - -- Earl Wilson -% -Fie for shame, you lascivious, lewd, lecherous, libidinous, lustful, -licentious, dirty bum!! -% -Floppy now, hard later. -% -For those of you how have been looking for evidence that a working -version of "Star Wars" can be built, consider the following proof -offered by Caspar Weinberger: - - "If such a system is so unattainable, why have the Soviets been - working desperately to get it for over 17 years?" - - -- USA Today, 24 June 1986 -% -Fornication, n.: - Term used by people who don't have anybody to screw with. -% -Fortune's Real-Life Courtroom Quote #25: - -Q: You say you had three men punching at you, kicking you, raping you, - and you didn't scream? -A: No ma'am. -Q: Does that mean you consented? -A: No, ma'am. That means I was unconscious. -% -George Washington not only chopped down his father's cherry tree, but -he also admitted doing it. Now, do you know why his father didn't -punish him? Because George still had the axe in his hand. -% -Getting an education at the University of California is like having -$50.00 shoved up your ass, a nickel at a time. -% -Go to Heaven for the climate, Hell for the company. - -- Mark Twain -% -God gives us relatives; thank goodness we can chose our friends. -% -God is an atheist. -% -GOD is applied POWER - which is applied GOVERNMENT - which is applied POLITICS - which is applied ADVERTISING - which is applied SOCIOLOGY - which is applied PSYCHOLOGY - which is applied BIOLOGY - which is applied CHEMISTRY - which is applied PHYSICS - which is applied MATH - which is applied PHILOSOPHY - which is applied BULLSHIT -% -"God is as real as I am," the old man said. My faith was restored, for -I knew that Santa would never lie. -% -"God is big, so don't fuck with him." -% -God isn't dead -- he's been busted. -% -God isn't dead, He's just trying to avoid the draft. -% -God must love assholes -- She made so many of them. -% -God wanted to have a holiday, so He asked St. Peter for suggestions on -where to go. - "Why not go to Jupiter?" asked St. Peter. - "No, too much gravity, too much stomping around," said God. - "Well, how about Mercury?" - "No, it's too hot there." - "Okay," said St. Peter, "What about Earth?" - "No," said God, "They're such horrible gossips. When I was -there 2000 years ago, I had an affair with a Jewish woman, and they're -still talking about it." -% -Good day for water sports. Take a bath with a friend. -% -Grain grows best in shit. - -- Ursula K. LeGuin -% -Gravity is an unforgiving motherfucker. -% -Great Lover, n.: - A man who can breathe through his ears. -% -Hackers do it with all sorts of characters. -% -Hackers do it with bugs. -% -Hackers do it with fewer instructions. -% -Hackers know all the right MOVs. -% -Haggis, n.: - Haggis is a kind of stuff black pudding eaten by the Scots and -considered by them to be not only a delicacy but fit for human -consumption. The minced heart, liver and lungs of a sheep, calf or -other animal's inner organs are mixed with oatmeal, sealed and boiled -in maw in the sheep's intestinal stomach-bag and ... Excuse me a minute ... -% -Hardly a pure science, history is closer to animal husbandry than it is -to mathematics, in that it involves selective breeding. The principal -difference between the husbandryman and the historian is that the -former breeds sheep or cows or such, and the latter breeds (assumed) -facts. The husbandryman uses his skills to enrich the future; the -historian uses his to enrich the past. Both are usually up to their -ankles in bullshit. - -- Tom Robbins -% -Having discovered the possibility that other creatures could be used -for sexual intercourse, early man was likely to have made many such -attempts ... though it is doubtful that he was so sexually carnivorous -as the Christian and Jewish Adam, who, rabbinical interpreters of the -Old Testament tell us, had intercourse with every creature before God -finally hit upon the idea of woman and created Eve. - -- R. E. Masters -% -"He could be a poster child for retroactive birth control." -% -He hated to mend, so young Ned -Called in a cute neighbor instead. - Her husband said, "Vi, - When you stitched up his torn fly, -Did you have to bite off the thread?" -% -He wasn't much of an actor, he wasn't much of a Governor -- Hell, they -_H_A_D to make him President of the United States. It's the only job he's -qualified for! - -- Michael Cain -% -He who findeth sensuous pleasures in the bodies of lush, hot, pink -damsels is not righteous, but he can have a lot more fun. -% -He who sneezes without a handkerchief takes matters into his own -hands. -% -Her figure described a set of parabolas that could cause cardiac arrest -in a yak. - -- Woody Allen -% -Her kisses left something to be desired -- the rest of her. -% -Here is the problem: for many years, the Supreme Court wrestled with -the issue of pornography, until finally Associate Justice John Paul -Stevens came up with the famous quotation about how he couldn't define -pornography, but he knew it when he saw it. So for a while, the -court's policy was to have all the suspected pornography trucked to -Justice Stevens' house, where he would look it over. "Nope, this isn't -it," he'd say. "Bring some more." This went on until one morning when -his housekeeper found him trapped in the recreation room under an -enormous mound of rubberized implements, and the court had to issue a -ruling stating that it didn't know what the hell pornography was except -that it was illegal and everybody should stop badgering the court about -it because the court was going to take a nap. - -- Dave Barry, "Pornography" -% -"Here's the holiday schedule for Monday's observation of Martin Luther -King Jr.'s birthday, when the following will be closed: - - * Governmental offices - * Post offices - * Libraries - * Schools - * Banks - * Parts of Palm Beach - -and the mind of Senator Jesse Helms of North Carolina." - -- Dennis Miller, "Saturday Night Live" -% -"He's not pining, he's passed on! This parrot won't squawk! He's -ceased to be! He's expired, and gone to meet his maker! It's a -stiff! No breath of life, he may rest in peace! If you hadn't nailed -him to the perch, he'd be pushing up the daisies! He's off the twig! -He's kicked the bucket! He's curled up his tooties! He's shuffled off -this mortal world! He's run down the curtain, and joined the bleed'n -Choir Invincible! HE'S FUCKING SNUFFED IT! Vis-a-vi his metabolic -processes is head is lost. All statements concerning this parrot is no -longer a going concern, after from now on, Inoperative... - - THIS IS AN EX-PARROT!!" -% -"How do you like the new America? We've cut the fat out of the -government, and more recently the heart and brain (the backbone was -gone some time ago). All we seem to have left now is muscle. We'll be -lucky to escape with our skins!" -% -Howard Cosell's biggest protrusion is his asshole. - -- John Valby -% -Hugh Hefner is a virgin. -% -I am an atheist, thank God! -% -I believe that Ronald Reagan will someday make this country what it -once was ... an arctic wilderness. - -- Steve Martin -% -I came; I saw; I fucked up. -% -I have a funny daddy -Who goes in and out with me -And everything that baby does -Daddy's sure to see, -And everything that baby says, -My daddy's sure to tell. -You _m_u_s_t have read my daddy's verse. -I hope he fries in Hell. - -- Ogden Nash -% -I love this fucking University, and this University loves fucking me. -% -I once met a lassie named Ruth -In a long distance telephone booth. - Now I know the perfection - Of an ideal connection -Even if somewhat uncouth. -% -"I own my own body, but I share." -% -I realize that today you have a number of top female athletes such as -Martina Navratilova who can run like deer and bench-press Chevrolet -trucks. But to be brutally frank, women as a group have a long way to -go before they reach the level of intensity and dedication to sports -that enables men to be such incredible jerks about it. - -- Dave Barry, "Sports is a Drag" -% -I regret to say that we of the F.B.I. are powerless to act in cases of -oral-genital intimacy, unless it has in some way obstructed interstate -commerce. - -- J. Edgar Hoover -% -I think every good Christian ought to kick Falwell right in the ass. - -- Barry Goldwater -% -I think pop music has done more for oral intercourse than anything else -that has ever happened, and vice versa. - -- Frank Zappa -% -I walked on toward Ploughwright, thinking about feces. What a lot we -had found out about the prehistoric past from the study of fossilized -dung of long-vanished animals. A miraculous thing, really; a recovery -from the past from what was carelessly rejected. And in the Middle -Ages, how concerned people who lived close to the world of nature were -with the feces of animals. And what a variety of names they had for -them: the Crotels of a Hare, the Friants of a Boar, the Spraints of -an Otter, the Werderobe of a Badger, the Waggying of a Fox, the Fumets -of a Deer. Surely there might be some words for the material so near -to the heart of Ozy Froats [an academic studying feces] than shit? -What about the Problems of a President, the Backward Passes of a -Footballer, the Deferrals of a Dean, the Odd Volumes of a Librarian, -the Footnotes of a Ph.D., the Low Grades of a Freshman, the Anxieties -of an Untenured Professor? - -- Robertson Davies, "The Rebel Angels" -% -I would like to suggest that you not use speed, and here's why: it is -going to mess up your heart, mess up your liver, your kidneys, rot out -your mind. In general this drug will make you just like your mother -and father. - -- Frank Zappa -% -I wouldn't mind dying -- it's that business of having to stay dead that -scares the shit out of me. - -- R. Geis -% -I'd like to meet the man who invented sex and see what he's working on -now. -% -If a child annoys you, quiet him by brushing his hair. If this doesn't -work, use the other side of the brush on the other end of the child. -% -If all these sweet young things were laid end-to-end, I wouldn't be a -bit surprised. - -- Dorothy Parker -% -"If anyone wants to trade a couple of centrally located, well-cushioned -showgirls for an eroded slope 90 minutes from Broadway, I'll be on this -corner tomorrow at 11 with my tongue hanging out." - -- S. J. Perelman -% -If clear thinking created sparks, we could safely store dynamite in -James Watt's office. - -- Wayne Shannon, KRON-TV -% -"If God had wanted us to use the metric system, Jesus would have had 10 -apostles." -% -If guns are outlawed, how will we shoot the liberals? -% -If Helen Keller is alone in a forest and falls, does she make a sound? -% -If men could get pregnant, abortion would be a sacrament. -% -If Reagan is the answer, it must have been a VERY silly question. -% -If someone were to ask me for a short cut to sensuality, I would -suggest he go shopping for a used 427 Shelby-Cobra. But it is only -fair to warn you that of the 300 guys who switched to them in 1966, -only two went back to women. - -- Mort Sahl -% -If the American dream is for Americans only, it will remain our dream -and never be our destiny. - -- Ren'e de Visme Williamson -% -If you can believe ten impossible things before breakfast, then you -should join - - THE CHURCH OF COUNTERFACTUAL BELIEF - -The Church of Counterfactual Belief has been set up to cater to all who -don't allow demonstrable truth to get in the way of their beliefs. In -addition to creation science and the flatness of the earth, the -following beliefs have been certified by Pope Duane as Church dogma: - - -- That there is a hole in the Earth at the North Pole from which - UFOs come. - -- That pi equals precisely 3.000. - -- That sex can be enjoyed only by blacks and homosexuals. - -- That Billy Joe Wilson (Hoopla, Miss.) has successfully squared - the circle. - -- That Harry Truman is still president, and doing a fine job. - -- That pi equals precisely 22/7. - -Several other important counterfactual beliefs are presently being -studied, including Reaganomics, A.I., and that the moon landings were -done in a Hollywood special effects studio. These will be the subject -of a forthcoming Papal Bull ... -% -If you meet somebody who tells you that he loves you more than anybody -in the whole wide world, don't trust him. It means he experiments. -% -If you think sex is a pain in the ass, try a different position. -% -"If you're a real good kid, I'll give you a piggy-back ride on a -buzz-saw." - -- W. C. Fields -% -Ignorance is the Mother of Devotion. - -- Robert Burton -% -I'm for peace -- I've yet to see a man wake up in the morning and say -"I've just had a good war." - -- Mae West -% -I'm going to Iowa for an award. Then I'm appearing at Carnegie Hall, -it's sold out. Then I'm sailing to France to be honored by the French -government -- I'd give it all up for one erection. - -- Groucho Marx -% -"In Christianity neither morality nor religion come into contact with -reality at any point." - -- Friedrich Nietzsche -% -In the Garden of Eden sat Adam, -Massaging the bust of his madam, - He chuckled with mirth, - For he knew that on earth, -There were only two boobs and he had 'em. -% -Incest, n.: - Sibling revelry. -% -"Is it just me, or does anyone else read `bible humpers' every time -someone writes `bible thumpers?'" - -- Joel M. Snyder, jms@mis.arizona.edu -% -It is a sad commentary on today's society that this fortune has to be -classified as "offensive" simply because it contains the word "fuck". -% -"It says he made us all to be just like him. So if we're dumb, then -god is dumb, and maybe even a little ugly on the side." - -- Frank Zappa -% -"It was a Roman who said it was sweet to die for one's country. The -Greeks never said it was sweet to die for anything. They had no vital -lies." - -- Edith Hamilton, "The Greek Way" -% -"I've had one child. My husband wants to have another. I'd like to -watch him have another." -% -Jesus died for your sins. Make it worth his time. -% -"Jesus saves... but Gretzky gets the rebound!" - -- Daniel Hinojosa -% -Jesus was killed by a Moral Majority. -% -John Birch Society -- that pathetic manifestation of organized -apoplexy. - -- Edward P. Morgan -% -Kasha, n.: - Kasha is always defined as "buckwheat groats". There's only -one problem with this definition: what the fuck are "buckwheat -groats"? *_I* know what they are -- they're kasha. But that doesn't -help *___you* much. - -- Arthur Naiman, "Every Goy's Guide to Yiddish" -% -Kill a commie for Christ! -% -Laissez Faire Economics is the theory that if each acts like a vulture, -all will end as doves. -% -Large cats can be dangerous, but a little pussy never hurt anyone. -% -LET Jesus be YOUR anchor! - -So when Satan rocks your boat, THROW Jesus overboard! -% -Life is like a penis: when it's soft you can't beat it, and when it's -hard you get fucked. -% -Lisp hackers have to be bound (to-do 'it) ... -% -Living in Hollywood is like living in a bowl of granola. What ain't -fruits and nuts is flakes. -% -Love does not make the world go around, just up and down a bit. -% -Mathematicians do it in theory. -% -Mathematicians take it to the limit. -% -May a diseased yak take a liking to your sister. -% -May the fairy god-camel leave a lump on your pillow! -% -Mayor Vincent J. `Buddy' Cianci on the ACLU's suit to have a city -nativity scene removed: - "They're just jealous because they don't have three wise men -and a virgin in the whole organization." -% -Megaton Man: "LOOK at them! Helpless, tender creatures, relying on - ME, waiting for ME to make my move!" - -(from below): "Move your ASS, Fat-head!" - -Megaton Man: "It is a MANDATE, and I am DUTY BOUND to OBEY!" -% -Missionary Position: - The missionary on top. -% -"Most legislators are so dumb that they couldn't pour piss out of a -boot if the instructions were printed on the heel." -% -Motto of the Electrical Engineer: - Working computer hardware is a lot like an erect penis: it -stays up as long as you don't fuck with it. -% -My brother-in-law has found a way to make ends meet. He goes around -with his head stuck up his ass. -% -"My country, right or wrong," is a thing that no patriot would think of -saying except in a desperate case. It is like saying, "My mother, -drunk or sober." - -- G. K. Chesterton -% -My father was a creole, his father a Negro, and his father a monkey; my -family, it seems, begins where yours left off. - -- Alexandre Dumas, pere -% -No woman can call herself free until she can choose consciously whether -she will or will not be a mother. - -- Margaret H. Sanger -% -"Not only is God dead, but just try to find a plumber on weekends." - -- Woody Allen -% -Nothing is better than Sex. -Masturbation is better than nothing. -Therefore, Masturbation is better than Sex. -% -Nuke the gay, unborn, baby whales for Jesus. -% -Obscenity is the crutch of inarticulate motherfuckers. -% -Occident, n.: - The part of the world lying west (or east) of the Orient. It -is largely inhabited by Christians, a powerful sub-tribe of the -Hypocrites, whose principal industries are murder and cheating, which -they are pleased to call "war" and "commerce." These, also, are the -principal industries of the Orient. - -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary" -% -Ocean, n.: - A body of water occupying about two-thirds of a world made for -man -- who has no gills. -% -Once a young gay from Khartoum -Took a lesbian up to his room. - They argued all night - Over who had the right -To do what, and with which, and to whom. -% -Once upon a time, there was a non-conforming sparrow who decided not to -fly south for the winter. However, soon after the weather turned cold, -the sparrow changed his mind and reluctantly started to fly south. -After a short time, ice began to form his on his wings and he fell to -earth in a barnyard almost frozen. A cow passed by and crapped on this -little bird and the sparrow thought it was the end, but the manure -warmed him and defrosted his wings. Warm and happy the little sparrow -began to sing. Just then, a large Tom cat came by and hearing the -chirping investigated the sounds. As Old Tom cleared away the manure, -he found the chirping bird and promptly ate him. - -There are three morals to this story: - -(1) Everyone who shits on you is not necessarily your enemy. -(2) Everyone who gets you out of shit is not necessarily your friend. -(3) If you are warm and happy in a pile of shit, keep your mouth shut. -% -One day President Reagan, Chairman Andropov, the Pope, and a boy scout -were flying together in an airplane. Right out in the middle of -nowhere the plane developed engine trouble and started to go down. -Unfortunately, only three parachutes could be found for the four -passengers! Andropov grabbed one of the parachutes and declared -"Comrades, as leader of the socialist workers revolution, my life must -be spared," and he jumped out of the plane. Then Reagan exclaimed "As -leader of the greatest nation on earth, I must keep the world safe for -democracy," and with that he too jumped to safety. Now if you are -following all this (or counting on your fingers) you must see that -there is only one parachute left for the two remaining passengers. The -Pope looked kindly upon the boy scout and said "I have had a long and -productive life, my son. You take the parachute and leave me in God's -hands." "That's very kind of you," the observant scout replied, "but -there is no need. Reagan just jumped out with my knapsack." -% -"One Saturday afternoon, during the campaign to decide whether or not -there should be a Coastal Commission, I took a helicopter ride from Los -Angeles to San Diego. We passed several state beaches, some crowded -and some virtually empty. They had the same facilities, and in some -cases the crowded and the empty beach were within a quarter mile of -each other. Obviously many beach-goers prefer to be crowded together. -Buying more beaches that people won't go to because they prefer to be -crowded together on one beach is a ridiculous waste of our natural -resources and our taxes." - -- Ronald Reagan -% -One thing I have no worry about is whether God exists. But it has -occurred to me that God has Alzheimer's and has forgotten we exist. - -- Jane Wagner, "The Search for Signs of Intelligent - Life in the Universe" -% -Opinions are like assholes -- everyone's got one, but nobody wants to -look at the other guy's. - -- Hal Hickman -% -O'Riordan's Theorem: - Brains x Beauty = Constant. - -Purmal's Corollary: - As the limit of (Brains x Beauty) goes to infinity, -availability goes to zero. -% -"Our government has kept us in a perpetual state of fear -- kept us in -a continuous stampede of patriotic fervor -- with the cry of grave -national emergency... Always there has been some terrible evil to -gobble us up if we did not blindly rally behind it by furnishing the -exorbitant sums demanded. Yet, in retrospect, these disasters seem -never to have happened, seem never to have been quite real." - -- General Douglas MacArthur, 1957 -% -Our [softball] team usually puts the other woman at second base, where -the maximum possible number of males can get there on short notice to -help out in case of emergency. As far as I can tell, our second -basewoman is a pretty good baseball player, better than I am, anyway, -but there's no way to know for sure because if the ball gets anywhere -near her, a male comes barging over from, say, right field, to deal -with it. She's been on the team for three seasons now, but the males -still don't trust her. They know, deep in their souls, that if she had -to choose between catching a fly ball and saving an infant's life, she -probably would elect to save the infant's life, without ever -considering whether there were men on base. - -- Dave Barry, "Sports is a Drag" -% -People who develop the habit of thinking of themselves as world -citizens are fulfilling the first requirement of sanity in our time. - -- Norman Cousins -% -Physicists do it with charm. -% -Politicians do it to everyone. -% -Posterity will ne'er survey -A nobler grave than this; -Here lie the bones of Castlereagh; -Stop, traveler, and piss. - -- Lord Byron, on Lord Castlereagh -% -Procrastinators do it tomorrow. -% -Prostitution is the only business where you can go into the hole and -still come out ahead. -% -Q: How do you play religious roulette? -A: You stand around in a circle and blaspheme and see who gets struck - by lightning first. -% -Q: How do you tell if an elephant has been making love in your - backyard? -A: If all your trashcan liners are missing ... -% -Q: How do you tell if you're making love to a nurse, a schoolteacher, - or an airline stewardess? -A: A nurse says: "This won't hurt a bit." A schoolteacher says: - "We're going to have to do this over and over again until we get it - right." An airline stewardess says: "Just hold this over your - mouth and nose, and breath normally." -% -Q: How many right-to-lifers does it take to change a light bulb? -A: Two. One to screw it in and one to say that light started when the - screwing began. -% -Q: How many supply-siders does it take to change a light bulb? -A: None. The darkness will cause the light bulb to change by itself. -% -Q: How much money do you give to a 900 foot Jesus? -A: As much as he wants. -% -Q: If Tarzan was Jewish, and Jane was a princess, what would Cheetah - be? -A: A fur coat. -% -Q: What do you do with an elephant with three balls? -A: Walk him and pitch to the rhino. -% -Q: What do you get when you cross James Dean with Ronald Reagan? -A: A rebel without a clue. -% -Q: What is "SMOORPLAY"? -A: It's what SMURFS do before they SMUCK, of course! -% -Q: What is the worst story Helen Keller ever read? -A: A cheese grater. -% -Q: What's Jewish foreplay? -A: Two hours of begging. -% -Q: Where can you buy black lace crotchless panties for sheep? -A: Fredrick's of Ithaca, New York. -% -Q: Where does virgin wool come from? -A: Ugly sheep. -% -Q: Why does Helen Keller masturbate with one hand? -A: So she can moan with the other! -% -"Queensboro president Donald Mannis, charged with receiving bribes in -exchange for city contracts, resigned on Tuesday. Mannis feels he must -devote more time to impending litigation, some of which might emanate -from a recent statement he made comparing New York Mayor Ed Koch to -Nazi Martin Bormann. A spokesman from the Bormann estate said they are -weighing the odds of a slander suit. Mayor Koch could naturally be -reached for comment, but we chose not to listen." - -- Dennis Miller, "Saturday Night Live" -% -Randel, n.: - A nonsensical poem recited by Irish schoolboys as an apology -for farting at a friend. - -- Mrs. Byrne's Dictionary of Unusual, Obscure, and - Preposterous Words -% -Reagan can't _a_c_t, either. -% -Remember when you were a kid and the boys didn't like the girls? Only -sissies liked girls? What I'm trying to tell you is that nothing's -changed. You think boys grow out of not liking girls, but we don't -grow out of it. We just grow horny. That's the problem. We mix up -liking pussy for liking girls. Believe me, one couldn't have less to -do with the other. - -- Jules Feiffer -% -Republicans consume three-fourths of the rutabaga produced in this -country. The remainder is thrown out. -% -Republicans raise dahlias, Dalmatians and eyebrows. -Democrats raise Airedales, kids and taxes. - -Democrats eat the fish they catch. -Republicans hang them on the wall. - -Republican boys date Democratic girls. They plan to marry Republican -girls, but feel they're entitled to a little fun first. - -Democrats make up plans and then do something else. -Republicans follow the plans their grandfathers made. - -Republicans consume three-fourths of the rutabaga produced in the USA. -The remainder is thrown out. - -Republicans sleep in twin beds -- some even in separate rooms. -That is why there are more Democrats. - -- The Official Rules, as compiled by Paul Dickson -% -Republicans tend to keep their shades drawn, although there is seldom -any reason why they should. Democrats ought to, but don't. -% -Ronald Reagan -- America's favorite placebo -% -Rush Limbaugh's 35 Undeniable Truths of Life: - -(1) The greatest threat to the human spirit is liberalism. - - -- "The Limbaugh Letter," Copyright 1992, EFM Publishing, Inc. -% -Rush Limbaugh's 35 Undeniable Truths of Life: - -(10) Liberalism poisons the soul. - - -- "The Limbaugh Letter," Copyright 1992, EFM Publishing, Inc. -% -Rush Limbaugh's 35 Undeniable Truths of Life: - -(11) Neither the United States, nor anyone else, "imposes" freedom on - the people of other nations. Freedom is not an imposition. - - -- "The Limbaugh Letter," Copyright 1992, EFM Publishing, Inc. -% -Rush Limbaugh's 35 Undeniable Truths of Life: - -(12) Freedom is God-given. - - -- "The Limbaugh Letter," Copyright 1992, EFM Publishing, Inc. -% -Rush Limbaugh's 35 Undeniable Truths of Life: - -(13) To dictatorships, peace means the absence of opposition. - - -- "The Limbaugh Letter," Copyright 1992, EFM Publishing, Inc. -% -Rush Limbaugh's 35 Undeniable Truths of Life: - -(14) To free people, peace means the absence of threat. - - -- "The Limbaugh Letter," Copyright 1992, EFM Publishing, Inc. -% -Rush Limbaugh's 35 Undeniable Truths of Life: - -(15) The Peace Movement in the United States was, whether by accident or - design, pro-communist. - - -- "The Limbaugh Letter," Copyright 1992, EFM Publishing, Inc. -% -Rush Limbaugh's 35 Undeniable Truths of Life: - -(16) The collective knowledge and wisdom of seasoned citizens is the - most valuable, yet untapped, resource our young people have. - - -- "The Limbaugh Letter," Copyright 1992, EFM Publishing, Inc. -% -Rush Limbaugh's 35 Undeniable Truths of Life: - -(17) The greatest football team in the history of civilization was the - Pittsburgh Steelers of 1975 through 1980. - - -- "The Limbaugh Letter," Copyright 1992, EFM Publishing, Inc. -% -Rush Limbaugh's 35 Undeniable Truths of Life: - -(18) There is no such thing as "war atrocities." War is an atrocity. - - -- "The Limbaugh Letter," Copyright 1992, EFM Publishing, Inc. -% -Rush Limbaugh's 35 Undeniable Truths of Life: - -(19) Regardless of the pain in our memories, nostalgia only reminds us - of the good times in our past. - - -- "The Limbaugh Letter," Copyright 1992, EFM Publishing, Inc. -% -Rush Limbaugh's 35 Undeniable Truths of Life: - -(2) The single greatest threat to the free people of the world is posed - by the heinous idea of centralized government control. - - -- "The Limbaugh Letter," Copyright 1992, EFM Publishing, Inc. -% -Rush Limbaugh's 35 Undeniable Truths of Life: - -(20) There is a God. - - -- "The Limbaugh Letter," Copyright 1992, EFM Publishing, Inc. -% -Rush Limbaugh's 35 Undeniable Truths of Life: - -(21) Abortion is wrong. - - -- "The Limbaugh Letter," Copyright 1992, EFM Publishing, Inc. -% -Rush Limbaugh's 35 Undeniable Truths of Life: - -(22) Morality is not defined by individual choice. - - -- "The Limbaugh Letter," Copyright 1992, EFM Publishing, Inc. -% -Rush Limbaugh's 35 Undeniable Truths of Life: - -(23) Evolution cannot explain creation. - - -- "The Limbaugh Letter," Copyright 1992, EFM Publishing, Inc. -% -Rush Limbaugh's 35 Undeniable Truths of Life: - -(24) Feminism was established so that unattractive women could have - easier access to the mainstream of society. - - -- "The Limbaugh Letter," Copyright 1992, EFM Publishing, Inc. -% -Rush Limbaugh's 35 Undeniable Truths of Life: - -(25) Love is the only human emotion which cannot be controlled. You - either do or you don't. You can't fake it. (Except women, and - thank God they can.) - - -- "The Limbaugh Letter," Copyright 1992, EFM Publishing, Inc. -% -Rush Limbaugh's 35 Undeniable Truths of Life: - -(26) The only difference between Mikhail Gorbachev and previous Soviet - leaders is that he is alive. - - -- "The Limbaugh Letter," Copyright 1992, EFM Publishing, Inc. -% -Rush Limbaugh's 35 Undeniable Truths of Life: - -(27) Soviet leaders were actually left-wing dictators. - - -- "The Limbaugh Letter," Copyright 1992, EFM Publishing, Inc. -% -Rush Limbaugh's 35 Undeniable Truths of Life: - -(28) Abraham Lincoln saved this nation. - - -- "The Limbaugh Letter," Copyright 1992, EFM Publishing, Inc. -% -Rush Limbaugh's 35 Undeniable Truths of Life: - -(29) The Los Angeles Raiders will never be the team they were when they - called Oakland home. - - -- "The Limbaugh Letter," Copyright 1992, EFM Publishing, Inc. -% -Rush Limbaugh's 35 Undeniable Truths of Life: - -(3) Peace does not mean the elimination of nuclear weapons. - - -- "The Limbaugh Letter," Copyright 1992, EFM Publishing, Inc. -% -Rush Limbaugh's 35 Undeniable Truths of Life: - -(30) The United States will again go to war. - - -- "The Limbaugh Letter," Copyright 1992, EFM Publishing, Inc. -% -Rush Limbaugh's 35 Undeniable Truths of Life: - -(31) To more and more American intellectuals, a victorious United States - is a sinful United States. - - -- "The Limbaugh Letter," Copyright 1992, EFM Publishing, Inc. -% -Rush Limbaugh's 35 Undeniable Truths of Life: - -(32) The fact that American intellectuals rue a victorious United States - is frightening and ominous. - - -- "The Limbaugh Letter," Copyright 1992, EFM Publishing, Inc. -% -Rush Limbaugh's 35 Undeniable Truths of Life: - -(33) There will always be poor people. - - -- "The Limbaugh Letter," Copyright 1992, EFM Publishing, Inc. -% -Rush Limbaugh's 35 Undeniable Truths of Life: - -(34) The fact that there will always be poor people is not the fault of - the rich. - - -- "The Limbaugh Letter," Copyright 1992, EFM Publishing, Inc. -% -Rush Limbaugh's 35 Undeniable Truths of Life: - -(35) Rather than feel guilty as some do, you should thank God for making - you an American. - - -- "The Limbaugh Letter," Copyright 1992, EFM Publishing, Inc. -% -Rush Limbaugh's 35 Undeniable Truths of Life: - -(4) Peace does not mean the absence of war. - - -- "The Limbaugh Letter," Copyright 1992, EFM Publishing, Inc. -% -Rush Limbaugh's 35 Undeniable Truths of Life: - -(5) War is not obsolete. - - -- "The Limbaugh Letter," Copyright 1992, EFM Publishing, Inc. -% -Rush Limbaugh's 35 Undeniable Truths of Life: - -(6) Ours is a world governed by the aggressive use of force. - - -- "The Limbaugh Letter," Copyright 1992, EFM Publishing, Inc. -% -Rush Limbaugh's 35 Undeniable Truths of Life: - -(7) There is only one way to eliminate nuclear weapons. Use them. - - -- "The Limbaugh Letter," Copyright 1992, EFM Publishing, Inc. -% -Rush Limbaugh's 35 Undeniable Truths of Life: - -(8) Peace cannot be achieved merely by developing an "understanding" - among peoples. - - -- "The Limbaugh Letter," Copyright 1992, EFM Publishing, Inc. -% -Rush Limbaugh's 35 Undeniable Truths of Life: - -(9) Americans opposing America is not always sacred nor courageous ... - it is sometimes dangerous. - - -- "The Limbaugh Letter," Copyright 1992, EFM Publishing, Inc. -% -Said a horny young girl from Milpitas, -"My favorite sport is coitus." - But a fullback from State - Made her period late, -And now she has athlete's fetus. -% -Said a swinging young chick named Lyth -Whose virtue was largely a myth, - "Try as hard as I can, - I can't find a man -That it's fun to be virtuous with." -% -Said Einstein, "I have an equation -Which to some may seem rabelaisian: - Let _V be virginity - Approaching infinity; -Let _P be a constant persuasion; - -"Let _V over _P be inverted -With the square root of _M_u inserted - _N times into _V ... - The result, Q.E.D., -Is a relative!" Einstein asserted. -% -Save Soviet Jewry -- Win Valuable Prizes!!!! -% -Sex is like a bridge game -- If you have a good hand no partner is -needed. -% -Sex is one of the nine reasons for reincarnation ... the other eight -are unimportant. - -- Henry Miller -% -Sex is the poor man's opera. - -- George Bernard Shaw -% -She asked me if I loved her still. "Yes," I replied. "I've never had -you any other way." -% -She hates testicles, thus limiting the men she can admire to Democratic -candidates for president. - -- John Greenway, "The American Tradition", on feminist - Elizabeth Gould Davis -% -Sooner or later, generals will own you. -% -Statisticians do it with 95% confidence. -% -Statisticians probably do it. -% -Subpoena, n.: - From the root "sub", below, and the Latin "poena" for male -organ or penis. Therefore, "below the penis" or "by the balls." -% -Support the right of unborn males to bear arms! - -- A public service announcement from Phyllis Schlafly, - the Catholic Church, and the National Rifle - Association -% -Sure eating yogurt will improve your sex life. People know that if -you'll eat that stuff, you'll eat anything. -% -Sure, Reagan has promised to take senility tests. But what if he -forgets? -% -"Taxes should hurt. I just mailed my own tax return last night and I -am prepared to say `ouch!' as loud as anyone." - -- Ronald Reagan -% -"The Army is a place where you get up early in the morning to be yelled -at by people with short haircuts and tiny brains." - -- Dave Barry -% -The computer is the ultimate polluter: its shit is indistinguishable -from the food it produces. -% -The difference between this school and a cactus plant is that the -cactus has the pricks on the outside. -% -The man who said "A bird in the hand's worth two in the bush" has been -putting his bird in the *WRONG* bushes. -% -THE MX IS GOOD FOR THE ECONOMY. One important reason we have a Defense -Department is that when we give it money, it spends it, which creates -jobs, whereas if we left the money in the hands of civilians, we don't -know what they'd do with it. Probably put it in open trenches and set -it on fire. The MX will create an especially large number of jobs -because of the number of warheads it carries. It carries a total of 10 -warheads. This creates a great deal of employment, because you have -your Warhead Makers, your Warhead Lifters, your Persons Who Tap the -Warheads Gently with Rubber Mallets to Wedge Them All Snugly Into the -Nose Cone, your Persons Who Just Walk Around Playing Soothing Cassettes -by Recording Artists such as Perry Como So We Don't Have Any More -Episodes Where a Worker Who is Experiencing Some Strain Sticks a -Warhead in the Employee Cafeteria Microwave and Sets It On Roast, etc. -We are talking about a lot of jobs. - -- Dave Barry, "At Last, the Ultimate Deterrent Against - Political Fallout" -% -The other night I was having sex, but the girl hung up on me. -% -The owner of a large furniture store in the mid-west arrived in France -on a buying trip. As he was checking into a hotel he struck up an -acquaintance with a beautiful young lady. However, she only spoke -French and he only spoke English, so each couldn't understand a word -the other spoke. He took out a pencil and a notebook and drew a -picture of a taxi. She smiled, nodded her head and they went for a -ride in the park. Later, he drew a picture of a table in a restaurant -with a question mark and she nodded, so they went to dinner. After -dinner he sketched two dancers and she was delighted. They went to -several nightclubs, drank champagne, danced and had a glorious -evening. It had gotten quite late when she motioned for the pencil and -drew a picture of a four-poster bed. He was dumbfounded, and has never -been able to understand how she knew he was in the furniture business. -% -The problem with being best man at a wedding is that you never get a -chance to prove it. -% -The real problem with fucking a sheep is that you have to walk around -in front every time you want to kiss her. -% -The reason we need the MX missile system is that the missiles we -currently have in the ground are the Minuteman model, which is very -old. The Defense Department can't even remember where half of them -are. Insects have built nests in them. People have built houses -directly over the silos. What this means, of course, is that if we -ever needed them to help obliterate all human life on the planet, they -could be a real embarrassment. I mean, maybe YOU'RE comfortable with -the prospect of missiles that are supposed to represent you barging -over the North Pole trailing shreds of polyester carpeting from some -recreation room in South Dakota, but your strategic defense planners -are not. - -- Dave Barry, "At Last, the Ultimate Deterrent Against - Political Fallout" -% -The sergeant walked into the shower and caught me giving myself a -dishonorable discharge. Without missing a beat, I said, "It's my dick -and I can wash it as fast as I want!" -% -"The State of California has no business subsidizing intellectual -curiosity." - -- Ronald Reagan -% -The superpowers often behave like two heavily armed blind men feeling -their way around a room, each believing himself in mortal peril from -the other, whom he assumes to have perfect vision. Each tends to -ascribe to the other side a consistency, foresight and coherence that -its own experience belies. Of course, even two blind men can do -enormous damage to each other, not to speak of the room. - -- Henry Kissinger -% -The United States Army: -194 years of proud service, -unhampered by progress. -% -"The whole world is about three drinks behind." - -- Humphrey Bogart -% -The word "spine" is, of course, an anagram of "penis". This is true in -almost fifty percent of the languages of the Galaxy, and many people -have attempted to explain why. Usually these explanations get bogged -down in silly puns about "standing erect". -% -The world is an 8000 mile in diameter spherical pile of shit. -% -There are also a lot of nice buildings in Haiphong. What their -contributions are to the war effort I don't know, but the desire to -bomb a virgin building is terrific. - -- Commander Henry Urban Jr. -% -There are revolutions that are sweeping the world and we in America -have been in a position of trying to stop them. With all the wealth of -America, with all of the military strength of America, those -revolutions are revolutions against a form of political and economic -organization in the countries of Asia and the Middle East that are -oppressive. They are revolutions against feudalism. [1952] - -- Supreme Court Justice William O. Douglas -% -There are three religious truths: -1. Jews do not recognize Jesus as the Messiah. -2. Protestants do not recognize the Pope as the leader of the - Christian faith. -3. Baptists do not recognize each other in the liquor store or - the adult book store. -% -There are two sides to every divorce: yours and the shithead's. -% -"There is a God, but He drinks." - -- Blore -% -There once was a couple named Kelley, -Who lived their life belly to belly. - Because in their haste - They used Library Paste, -Instead of Petroleum Jelly. -% -There once was a feisty young terrier -Who liked to bite girls on the derriere. - He'd yip and he'd yap, - Then leap up and snap, -And the fairer the derriere the merrier. -% -There once was a freshman named Lin, -Whose tool was as thin as a pin, - A virgin named Joan - From a bible belt home, -Said, "This won't be much of a sin." -% -There once was a hacker named Ken -Who inherited truckloads of Yen - So he built him some chicks - Of silicon chips -And hasn't been heard from since then. -% -There once was a lady from Exeter, -So pretty that men craned their necks at her. - One was even so brave - As to take out and wave -The distinguishing mark of his sex at her. -% -There once was a man named Eugene -Who invented a screwing machine - Concave and convex - It served either sex -And it played with itself in between. -% -There once was a plumber from Leigh, -Who was plumbing his maid by the sea, - Said she, "Please stop plumbing, - I think someone's coming!" -Said he, "Yes I know love, it's me." -% -There once was a queen of Bulgaria -Whose bush had grown hairier and hairier, - Till a prince from Peru - Who came up for a screw -Had to hunt for her cunt with a terrier. -% -There once was a Scot named McAmeter -With a tool of prodigious diameter. - It was not the size - That cause such surprise; -'Twas his rhythm -- iambic pentameter. -% -There was a bluestocking in Florence -Wrote anti-sex pamphlets in torrents, - Till a Spanish grandee, - Got her off with his knee, -And she burned all her works with abhorrence. -% -There was a gay countess of Bray, -And you may think it odd when I say, - That in spite of high station, - Rank and education, -She always spelled cunt with a "k". -% -There was a young fellow named Bliss -Whose sex life was strangely amiss, - For even with Venus - His recalcitrant penis -Would never do better than t - h - i - s - . -% -There was a young girl from Hong Kong -Whose cervical cap was a gong. - She said with a yell, - As a shot rang her bell, -"I'll give you a ding for a dong!" -% -There was a young girl named Sapphire -Who succumbed to her lover's desire. - She said, "It's a sin, - But now that it's in, -Could you shove it a few inches higher?" -% -There was a young girl of Angina -Who stretched catgut across her vagina. - From the love-making frock - (With the proper sized cock) -Came Tocata and Fugue in D minor. -% -There was a young girl of Darjeeling -Who could dance with such exquisite feeling - There was never a sound - For miles around -Save of fly-buttons hitting the ceiling. -% -There was a young lad name of Durcan -Who was always jerkin' his gherkin. - His father said, "Durcan! - Stop jerkin' your gherkin! -Your gherkin's for ferkin', not jerkin'." -% -There was a young lady from Maine -Who claimed she had men on her brain. - But you knew from the view, - As her abdomen grew, -It was not on her brain that he'd lain. -% -There was a young lady named Clair -Who possessed a magnificent pair; - At least so I thought - Till I saw one get caught -On a thorn, and begin losing air. -% -There was a young lady named Hall, -Wore a newspaper dress to a ball. - The dress caught on fire - And burned her entire -Front page, sporting section, and all. -% -There was a young lady named Twiss -Who said she thought fucking a bliss, - For it tickled her bum - And caused her to come -.siht ekil gniyl ylbatrofmoc elihW -% -There was a young lady of Norway -Who hung by her toes in a doorway. - She said to her beau - "Just look at me, Joe; -I think I've discovered one more way." -% -There was a young man from Bel-Aire -Who was screwing his girl on the stair, - But the banister broke, - So he doubled his stroke, -And finished her off in mid-air. -% -There was a young man named Crockett -Whose balls got caught in a socket. - His wife was a bitch, - And she threw the switch, -As Crockett went off like a rocket. -% -There was a young man of Cape Horn -Who wished he had never been born, - And he wouldn't have been - If his father had seen -That the end of the rubber was torn. -% -There was a young man of St. John's -Who wanted to bugger the swans. - But the loyal hall porter - Said, "Pray take my daughter! -Those birds are reserved for the dons." -% -There was a young whore from Kaloo -Who filled her vagina with glue. - She said with a grin, - "If they pay to get in, -They can pay to get out again too!" -% -There was an old man of the port -Whose prick was remarkably short. - When he got into bed, - The old woman said, -"This isn't a prick; it's a wart!" -% -There was an old pirate named Bates -Who was learning to rhumba on skates. - He fell on his cutlass, - Which rendered him nutless -And practically useless on dates. -% -There were the Scots -Who kept the Sabbath -And everything else they could lay their hands on. -Then there were the Welsh -Who prayed on their knees and their neighbors. -Thirdly there were the Irish -Who never knew what they wanted -But were willing to fight for it anyway. -Lastly there were the English -Who considered themselves a self-made nation -Thus relieving the Almighty of a dreadful responsibility. -% -There's been no top authority saying what marijuana does to you. I -really don't know that much about it. I tried it once but it didn't do -anything to me. - -- John Wayne -% -There's more than one way to skin a cat: - Way number 15 -- Krazy Glue and a toothbrush. -% -There's more than one way to skin a cat: - Way number 27 -- Use an electric sander. -% -There's more than one way to skin a cat: - Way number 32 -- Wrap it around a lonely frat man's pecker. -% -There's nothing better than good sex. But bad sex? A peanut butter -and jelly sandwich is better than bad sex. - -- Billy Joel -% -There's nothing wrong with America that a good erection wouldn't cure. - -- David Mairowitz -% -This is a test of the emergency cunnilingus system. If this had been an -actual emergency, you would have known it! -% -This is National Smokers-Are-Shits Week. -% -This limerick is **SO**FILTHY** that it would offend you. So I'll put -"di-dah" for the filthy words: - - Di-dah, di-dah, di-dah di-dah, - Di-dah di-dah di-dah, di-dah; - Di-dah di-dah di-dah? - Di-dah di-dah di-dah. - Di-dah di-dah, di-dah di-fuck. -% -This test has been designed to evaluate reactions of management -personnel to various situations. - -You are making a sales presentation to a group of corporate executives -in the plushest office you've ever seen. The enchilada casserole and -egg salad sandwich you had for lunch react, creating severe pressure. -Your sphincter loses control and you break wind, causing the glass -bookcase doors to shatter and a secretary to pass out. - -YOU SHOULD: - -(a) Offer to come back next week when the smell has gone away. -(b) Point to the Chief Executive and accuse him of the offense. -(c) Challenge anyone in the room to do better. -% -Thou shalt not omit adultery. -% -To a Real Woman, every ejaculation is premature. -% -"Tom Hayden is the kind of politician who gives opportunism a bad -name." - -- Gore Vidal -% -'Twas orgy, and the hip and mod And as in raffish thought he sprawled, -Did groove and trip out at the pad: The Radcliffe girl, no idle flirt, -All whimsy were the slamming chicks, Crept past the hippies getting balled -And the Radcliffe undergrad. And doffed her miniskirt. - -"Beware the Radcliffe girl, my son! One, two! One, two! And through -The looks that melt, the claws that and through - catch! The venerable staff went snicker-snack! -Beware the Byrn Mawr deb, and shun He left her bred, sans maidenhead, -The uppity Wellesleysnatch!" And went galumphing back. - -He took his venerable staff in hand: "And hast thou laid the Radcliffe girl? -Long time the cool young stuff he Come to my arms, my horny boy! - sought -- O spaced-out day! Calooh! Callay!" -So rested he among the spree He cackled in his joy. -And paused to smoke some pot. - 'Twas orgy, and the hip and mod - Did groove and trip out at the pad: - All whimsy were the slamming chicks, - And the Radcliffe undergrad. -% -"Under capitalism, man exploits man. Under Communism, it's just the -opposite." - -- John Kenneth Galbraith -% -Uppers are no longer stylish, methedrine is almost as rare as pure acid -or DMT. "Consciousness Expansion" went out with LBJ and it is worth -noting, historically, that downers came in with Nixon. - -- Hunter S. Thompson -% -Vegetarians for oral sex -- "The only meat that's fit to eat" -% -Vidi, vici, veni. -(I saw, I conquered, I came.) -% -Virgin, n.: - An ugly third grader. -% -War is menstruation envy. -% -"Water? Never touch the stuff! Fish fuck in it." - -- W. C. Fields -% -We call our dog Egypt, because in every room he leaves a pyramid. -% -"We don't have to protect the environment -- the Second Coming is at -hand." - -- James Watt -% -"We should declare war on North Vietnam. We could pave the whole -country and put parking strips on it, and still be home by Christmas." - -- Ronald Reagan -% -Well, see, Joyce, there we were, trapped in the elevator. Now, I had -my tennis racquet and the goldfish; she was holding the Crisco. Surely -you can imagine how one thing naturally led to another! -% -Well, there was this tiger, who woke up one morning, and just felt -great (yes, just like Tony the Tiger: GREAAAAAAT). Anyway, he just -felt so good, he went out and cornered a small monkey and roared at -him: "WHO IS THE MIGHTIEST OF ALL THE JUNGLE ANIMALS?" And this poor -quaking little monkey replied: "You are of course, no one is mightier -than you." A little while later this tiger confronts a deer, and just -bellows out: "WHO IS THE GREATEST AND STRONGEST OF ALL THE JUNGLE -ANIMALS?" The deer is shaking so hard it can barely speak, but manages -to stammer: "Oh great tiger, you are by far the mightiest animal in the -jungle." The tiger, being on a roll, swaggered, up to an elephant that -was quietly munching on some weeds, and roared at the top of his voice: -"WHO IS THE MIGHTIEST OF ALL THE ANIMALS IN THE JUNGLE?" Well, this -elephant grabs the tiger with his trunk, picks him up, slams him down; -picks him up again, and shakes him until the tiger is just a blur of -orange and black; and finally throws him violently into a nearby tree. -The tiger staggers to his feet and looks at the elephant and says: -"Man, just because you don't know the answer, you don't have to get so -pissed." -% -WE'RE GOING TO THROW THE MX AWAY AFTER WE BUILD IT. The MX is really -[Don't tell anybody!] just a "bargaining chip" in the nuclear-arms- -reduction talks with the Russians. See, we have a problem with the -Russians. They look at our leaders and they see, for example, George -Bush, who is really a fine and brave man but who happens to have this -unfortunate physical characteristic whereby when he talks he sounds as -though he just inhaled a helium party balloon. If he ever becomes -President, the Russians will deliberately create nuclear crises just so -they can gather around the Hot Line with refreshments and listen to -George talk. - -- Dave Barry, "At Last, the Ultimate Deterrent Against - Political Fallout" -% -What can you use used tampons for? Tea bags for vampires. -% -What did Mickey Mouse get for Christmas? -A Dan Quayle watch. -% -What is the difficulty with writing a PDP-8 program to emulate Jerry -Ford? - -Figuring out what to do with the other 3K. -% -When God created man, She was only testing. -% -When God created two sexes, he may have been overdoing it. - -- Charles Merrill Smith -% -"When I grow up, I want to be an honest lawyer so things like that -can't happen." - -- Richard Nixon as a boy (on the Teapot Dome scandal) -% -When it all boils down to the essence of truth one must live by a dog's -rule of life: if you can't eat it or fuck it, piss on it! -% -While I, with my usual enthusiasm, -Was exploring in Ermintrude's busiasm, - She explained, "They are flat, - But think nothing of that -- -You will find that my sweet sister Susiasm." -% -"White House carpenters have reworked the master bedroom, remodeling it -so that Ronnie can sleep with his head in the hall. That way, by the -time he wakes up, somebody will have already shined his hair." -% -Why is it that there are so many more horses' asses than there are -horses? - -- G. Gordon Liddy -% -Why marry a virgin? If she wasn't good enough for the rest of them -then she isn't good enough for you. -% -Women Unite! Make *___him* sleep in the wet spot tonight! -% -Women who want to be equal to men lack imagination - -- Graffito in a women's restroom -% -Women's Libbers are OK. I just wouldn't want my sister to marry one. -% -Would you mind terribly much if I asked you to take your silly-assed -problem down the hall? -% -"Yes, that was Richard Nixon. He used to be President. When he left -the White House, the Secret Service would count the silverware." - -- Woody Allen, "Sleeper" -% -You always introduce the younger person to the older person, using the -wording: "Miss Brown, I'd like to introduce you to an older person" -(unless her name is not "Miss Brown"). If you do not know a person's -age, ask for a driver's license and a major credit card. If you are -introduced to a member of a minority group, use the "high-five" style -handshake, followed by a remark designed to show you don't mind a bit, -such as "I see you are a (name of a minority group)! Good!" - -- Dave Barry, "The Stuff of Etiquette" -% -"You and I as individuals can, by borrowing, live beyond our means, but -only for a limited period of time. Why should we think that collectively, -as a nation, we are not bound by that same limitation?" - -- Ronald Reagan -% -You are at a business lunch when you are suddenly overcome with an -uncontrollable desire to pick your nose. Since this is definitely a -no-no, you: - -(a) Pretend to wave to someone across the room and with one fluid - motion, bury your forefinger in your nostril right up to the 4th - joint. - -(b) Get everyone drunk and organize a nose picking contest with a prize - to the one who makes his nose bleed first. - -(c) Drop your napkin on the floor, and when you bend over to pick it up, - blow your nose on your sock. -% -You better believe that marijuana can cause castration. Just suppose -your girlfriend gets the munchies! -% -You can lead a whore to Vasser, but you can't make her think. - -- Frederick B. Artz -% -You can pick your friends, and you can pick your nose, but you can't -pick your friend's nose. -% -You can't underestimate the power of fear. - -- Tricia Nixon -% -You come out of a woman and you spend the rest of your life trying to -get back inside. - -- Heathcote Williams -% -You have just returned from a trip to Green Bay, Wisconsin in January -and tell your boss that nobody but whores and football players live -there. He mentions that his wife is from Green Bay. You: - -(a) Pretend you are suffering from amnesia and don't remember your - name. - -(b) Ask what position she played. - -(c) Ask if she is still working the streets. -% -You have prepared a proposal for your supervisor. The success of this -proposal will mean increasing your salary 20%. In the middle of your -proposal your supervisor leans over to look at your report and spits -into your coffee. You: - -(a) Tell him you take your coffee black. - -(b) Ask him if he has any communicable diseases. - -(c) Show him who's in command; promptly take a leak in his "In" - basket. -% -"You have to regard everything I say with suspicion -- I may be trying -to bullshit you, or I may just be bullshitting you inadvertently." - -- J. Wainwright, Mathematics 140b -% diff --git a/games/fortune/datfiles/fortunes-o.sp.ok b/games/fortune/datfiles/fortunes-o.sp.ok deleted file mode 100644 index 28ced4a8bf..0000000000 --- a/games/fortune/datfiles/fortunes-o.sp.ok +++ /dev/null @@ -1,299 +0,0 @@ -A.I -ACLU's -Aire -Alzheimer's -Andropov -Angina -Ansel -Artz -Aw -BULLSHIT -Begorrah -Benchley -Bierce -Blore -Bogart -Bormann -Byrn -COUNTERFACTUAL -Callay -Calooh -Caspar -Castlereagh -Cheerios -Cianci -Clair -Coito -Como -Condoms -Cosell's -Counterfactual -Crisco -Crotels -Cunnilingus -DEMO -Dalmatians -Dammit -Darjeeling -Deferrals -Degen -Diddley -Durcan -Ermintrude's -Ewald -F.B.I -FUCKING -Fagin -Faire -Falwell -Feiffer -Fie -Fornication -Fredrick's -Friants -Froats -Fuck -Fumets -GREAAAAAAT -Galbraith -Geis -Gimme -Goy's -Graffito -Greenway -Groucho -Haggis -Heathcote -Hefner -Hitchhiker's -Jewry -Jr.'s -KRON -Kasha -Krazy -LeGuin -Lehrer -Li -Libbers -Liddy -Lyth -MOVs -MX -Mairowitz -Mama -Mannis -Martina -Masturbation -McAmeter -Methadone -Milo -Milpitas -N'wam -N.H -Nader -Naiman -Navratilova -Nope -Nuke -O'Riordan's -Ozy -PDP -PUSHJ -Penis -Perelman -Ph.D -Ploughwright -Purmal's -Putrid -Q.E.D -Queensboro -Randel -Raygun -Reaganomics -Ren -Rosten -SMOORPLAY -SMUCK -SMURFS -Sahl -Schlafly -Seldes -Shits -Sittin -Spraints -Stamboul -Stickin -Suckin -Susiasm -Tocata -Tomlin -Toynbee -Tsk -Twas -Twinkie -Twinkies -Twiss -U.S -UFOs -UUOs -Valby -Vasser -Vidal -Vidi -Visme -Waggying -Wellesleysnatch -Werderobe -What'll -Wiggam -Wilde -Wildebeest -Wimley -Ybarra -Yoric -Yuletide -Zappa -Zukav -amnesia -apoplexy -asshole -assholes -basewoman -belies -bible -bleed'n -boobs -bras -brutish -buffaloes -bullshit -bullshitting -bungee -busiasm -carnivorous -castration -catgut -cervical -chromosome -coitus -commie -containeth -counterfactual -countess -creole -cubits -cunnilingus -cunt -dah -de -deb -defendin -dem -di -dong -doric -dumbfounded -dunno -ekil -elihW -enchillada -ergo -eschatological -excrement -eyeing -farting -feces -ferkin -fetcheth -fiesty -findeth -flunkers -forsight -frat -freakout -fuck -fucked -fucking -galumphing -gangrenous -genital -gimme -girlfriend -gniyl -goin -gonna -grandee -hansome -hexahedronical -husbandryman -i.e -iht -intestinal -jeered -jerkin -k'honi -kaloo -kasha -lassie -leapy -lecherous -lesbian -limerick -mah -maidenhead -mali -masturbate -masturbation -methedrine -millions -miniskirt -mod -motherfucker -motherfuckers -mousetrap -munchies -ne'er -ok -ole -penis -pentameter -pere -peyote -poena -pox -provideth -qui -rabbinical -rabelaisian -racquet -rhumba -saideth -schlemiel -shalt -shit -shithead's -shits -showgirls -sissies -sleaze -soit -spake -sphincter -spikey -strewed -suckin -sucky -suh -tonsillectomy -tooties -trashcan -truckloads -ulcerous -veni -vici -whimsy -wildebeest -yamalchas -ylbatrofmoc -yogurt -zits diff --git a/games/fortune/datfiles/fortunes.sp.ok b/games/fortune/datfiles/fortunes.sp.ok index 17348b03bb..ce01d5818b 100644 --- a/games/fortune/datfiles/fortunes.sp.ok +++ b/games/fortune/datfiles/fortunes.sp.ok @@ -1,7 +1,9 @@ A.A.A.A.A A.D +A.I AAAAAAAAAaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaccccccccckkkkkk ACHTUNG +ACLU's AI ALU ANRS @@ -18,6 +20,7 @@ Aelius Aesop Aha Ahrimanes +Aire Albran Aldous Aleliunas @@ -26,6 +29,7 @@ Alito Allan Alo Alvy +Alzheimer's Amana Amerigo Amica @@ -35,8 +39,11 @@ Amp Amrom Anatol Androids +Andropov +Angina Ankh Anoint +Ansel Antonym Apocryphia Applebome @@ -46,6 +53,7 @@ Aquarians Ardis Arlo Arpa +Artz Ashleigh Asimov Aspasia @@ -57,6 +65,7 @@ Atlee Auden Audobon Avogardo +Aw Aww B'nai BARF @@ -76,6 +85,7 @@ BMR BOOGA BPO BST +BULLSHIT BULLWINKLE BUTTHEADS BYOB @@ -107,6 +117,7 @@ Beckmann Begathon Begatting Begone +Begorrah Behan Beifeld's Belloc @@ -128,6 +139,7 @@ Blore's Blount Bluestone Bodenheim +Bogart Bok Bokonon Bolub's @@ -138,6 +150,7 @@ Boothe Bootle Boren's Borge +Bormann Boynton Brahma Bramah @@ -159,6 +172,7 @@ Bumstead Burggoven Burkowski Busmanship +Byrn C&O C.I.A C.R.T @@ -174,6 +188,7 @@ CM CMFRM CONGRAM CONtractor +COUNTERFACTUAL CPPR CPU CPU's @@ -186,6 +201,8 @@ Caen Cahn's Caissons Calio's +Callay +Calooh Camillo Camptown Capt @@ -197,6 +214,7 @@ Carrol Cary Casablanca Caspar +Castlereagh Cat:man Cavour Celibacy @@ -210,6 +228,7 @@ Chateaubriand Chatterley's Cheatham Checkuary +Cheerios Cheez Chem Chesterson @@ -221,6 +240,7 @@ Chloroplast's Chok Chung's Churchy +Cianci Ciardi Cinemuck Claghorn @@ -231,24 +251,32 @@ Cleyre Clopton Cogito Cointment +Coito Collis Colton Colvard's Commie +Como Computerdom +Condoms Connell Connellan Constipation Contrariwise Corky Cory +Cosell's Cosmo +Counterfactual Crabgrass Cray Creemy Cripps +Crisco Croll Croll's +Crotels +Cunnilingus Cuomo Curchill Cuticle @@ -264,6 +292,7 @@ DCL DCS DECzilla DELI +DEMO DETERIORATA DEVO DFA @@ -276,8 +305,11 @@ Daft Dagobah Dagwood Dalglish +Dalmatians Damian +Dammit Danforth +Darjeeling Darrow Darryl Darth @@ -287,12 +319,15 @@ DeVries DeVries's Decot Defactualization +Deferrals +Degen Deloria DesCartes Deteriorata Devine Devo Diamondback +Diddley Diddly Dijkstra Dingell @@ -315,6 +350,7 @@ Dum Dunne Durance Durant +Durcan Dykstra Dyson E.T @@ -348,13 +384,16 @@ Emu Enm Ennui Epperson's +Ermintrude's Erogenous Ertz Es Esser Euell Eustace +Ewald Exupery +F.B.I FERSURE FF FINO @@ -366,11 +405,15 @@ FROBNODULE FROBNULE FROBULE FROTZ +FUCKING FWWAAAAAAPPPP Fafhrd +Fagin Fainali +Faire Fakir Falkland +Falwell Fandal Farrow Fatherland @@ -380,6 +423,7 @@ Femme Fenelon Ferm Fidel +Fie Fiebig Fiedler Filkharmonics @@ -399,6 +443,7 @@ Flummery Foghorn Follen Forbiddie +Fornication Forssman Fortue Fosdick @@ -406,10 +451,13 @@ Foxx Fran Francois Frayn +Fredrick's +Friants Friedrich Frisbee Frisbeetarianism Frito +Froats Frobnicate Frobnitz Frobnitzem @@ -417,8 +465,10 @@ Frodo Froot Fruitcakes Fuch's +Fuck Fudd Fudd's +Fumets Fuoss Furbling Furst @@ -429,6 +479,7 @@ GO.SYSIN GOBLIN GOTO GRAMmer +GREAAAAAAT GRODY GUGUs GUISEPPE @@ -457,6 +508,7 @@ Gigo Gilda Gilpkerio Gimlet +Gimme Gimmie Glaser Gnagloot @@ -484,6 +536,7 @@ Grabel's Graffiti Graffito Greenstein +Greenway Gregorian Grelb's Gries @@ -504,6 +557,7 @@ HR Hackensack Hadassah Haeckel +Haggis Hahahahahahahahaha Haig Hain't @@ -521,6 +575,8 @@ Havelock Hawkeye Hawkwind Haynie +Heathcote +Hefner Hegel Heineken Heinlein @@ -595,11 +651,13 @@ Jenerally Jenkinson's Jenks Jenning's +Jewry Jonathon Jone's Jonesboro Jordache Josh +Jr.'s Juliana Jun Jung @@ -607,10 +665,12 @@ Justin KLUDGE KOBOLDS KPH +KRON Kabotschniks Kan Kandel Kari +Kasha Kasner Kasspe Kauffmann @@ -637,6 +697,7 @@ Ko Kool Korda Kr +Krazy Krispies Krogt Ks @@ -680,8 +741,11 @@ Les Lettvin Levant Leverett +Li +Libbers Libra Lichty +Liddy Lieberman's Liebling Liebowitz @@ -705,6 +769,7 @@ Lumsden Luten Lyndon Lysistrata +Lyth M&Ms M.T.A MAFIA @@ -714,6 +779,7 @@ MDL MERCUTIO MHz MOS +MOVs MSCP MW MX @@ -731,21 +797,27 @@ Magnocartic Mahabharata Mahatma Mai +Mairowitz Malek's +Mama Mammel Mandrell Manhandling Mankiewicz +Mannis Marley Marshalltown +Martina Maryel Mascheroni Maslow +Masturbation Mathis Maud Maugham Maxey Maxson +McAmeter McCloctnik McEvoy McLuhan @@ -762,6 +834,7 @@ Mensa Merrick Meskimen's Meta +Methadone Metz Mewling Meyrowitz @@ -774,6 +847,7 @@ Millay Millihelen Millions Millman +Milo Milpitas Minas Minnelli @@ -797,6 +871,8 @@ Muppet Murdoch Mustgo Myung +N'wam +N.H NEWSFLASH NYT Nader @@ -808,6 +884,7 @@ Nasrudin Natasha Nate Nather +Navratilova Neantical Neizant Neo @@ -826,14 +903,17 @@ Niklaus Ningauble Noelie Nome +Nope Nora's Novocain +Nuke Nutley O'Casey O'Hara O'Henry O'Longhlin O'Neil +O'Riordan's O'Rourke O'Toole's O.K @@ -856,6 +936,7 @@ Orac Orben Orson Ozman's +Ozy P.B.A P.M P.O @@ -869,6 +950,7 @@ POPI POWDERMILK PRL PROCESSORs +PUSHJ PVLC Paar Padlipsky @@ -882,11 +964,14 @@ Patageometry Pecor's Pedaeration Pegler +Penis Pensacoola Penzance Pereant +Perelman Perlis Petr +Ph.D Pharaoh Philbin Philogyny @@ -897,6 +982,7 @@ Pilgermann Pirsig Plaese Platypus +Ploughwright Pluribus Pocataligo Pocatello @@ -914,11 +1000,15 @@ Prue Psblurtex Publilius Pumpernickel +Purmal's Putluck +Putrid Pynchon +Q.E.D QT QWERT QWERTYUIOP +Queensboro Quidquid Quigley's Quincey @@ -940,8 +1030,11 @@ Ra Radner Raisa Raisinets +Randel Ransford Raskin +Raygun +Reaganomics Reba Redd Regan @@ -988,6 +1081,9 @@ SCRBL SIGPLAN SLC SLOBOL +SMOORPLAY +SMUCK +SMURFS SNA SPSW SRSD @@ -995,6 +1091,7 @@ Safford Safire's Sagan Sagittarians +Sahl Salome Salvor Santoro @@ -1006,6 +1103,7 @@ Sayre Schapiro's Schickel Schickele +Schlafly Schlattwhapper Schmivalry Schmonsequences @@ -1020,6 +1118,7 @@ Scrubb Se Seager Seeger +Seldes Seldon Seleznick's Sep @@ -1033,6 +1132,7 @@ Shamus Sheil Shel Sherany +Shits Shmoedipus Shoaff Shoales @@ -1042,6 +1142,7 @@ Sigismund Silurian Silverstein Simard +Sittin Sixtus Sjoberg Skyler @@ -1064,23 +1165,28 @@ Speer's Spirtle Spisani Spock +Spraints Sta Stallman +Stamboul Stanislaw Steelypips Steinbach's Steinem +Stickin Stoffel Stoppard Stormtroopers Stretchy Stult's +Suckin Suenden Sulu Sumeria Summatra Sunward Supercalifragilisticexpialidocius +Susiasm Svevo Swaller Swinburne @@ -1118,6 +1224,7 @@ Tijuana Tikkanen Titas Tobias +Tocata Tock Tomlin Tonka @@ -1125,6 +1232,7 @@ Toto Touche Toup Toven +Toynbee Tribbles Tricia Trimble @@ -1133,6 +1241,7 @@ Trotsky Trudeau Truscott Tse +Tsk Tsu Tue Turgenev @@ -1142,15 +1251,20 @@ Tut's Twas Tweedledee Tweedledum +Twinkie +Twinkies +Twiss Twodor Twodor's U.S U.S.S.R UDA50 UFO's +UFOs URK UT UTCS +UUOs Ubi Un Una @@ -1170,7 +1284,9 @@ VMS VODKA VSOP VYARZERZOMANIMORORSEZASSEZANSERAREORSES +Valby Vannevar +Vasser Vate Vax Veeck @@ -1186,6 +1302,7 @@ Vila Vinchy Vinci Virt +Visme Vittorini Vo Vocab @@ -1204,6 +1321,7 @@ WOMBAT WORLD's WXRT Waben +Waggying Wald Walinsky Walla @@ -1215,6 +1333,8 @@ Weil Weiler's Weiner's Weisert +Wellesleysnatch +Werderobe Wernher Westbrook Westbury @@ -1222,9 +1342,13 @@ Westheimer's Westmoreland Wethern's Whaddya +What'll Whipsnade +Wiggam Wiker's Wilde +Wildebeest +Wimley Winchell Winie Winsor @@ -1238,6 +1362,7 @@ XINU Xercies YEH Yabba +Ybarra Yellowstone Yessir Yinkel @@ -1264,6 +1389,7 @@ Zonker Zorkmids Zorro Zow +Zukav Zwanzig Zwart Zymurgy's @@ -1298,6 +1424,7 @@ anxivs anymore anytime apauling +apoplexy appelations approx arabic @@ -1306,6 +1433,8 @@ arse ary asparaginylalanylthreonylleucylarginylalanylphenylalanylalanylalanylglycylva aspartylleucylleucylarginylglutaminylisoleucylalanylseryltyrosylglycylarginyl +asshole +assholes astrology ath atrium @@ -1323,18 +1452,22 @@ bai bamboozled banquette barf +basewoman bayonetted bazingas bedecked bedpans befriends +belies bequeathin bertillion bi +bible bibles bingo bisexual blackguard +bleed'n blinkenlights blockhead blound @@ -1342,18 +1475,26 @@ blowenfusen bogosity bonehead bonked +boobs boola bossy bounteous bowlin boyfriend bra +bras brilgue brilig brussels +brutish bucky +buffaloes +bullshit +bullshitting +bungee burgled burneth +busiasm ca caliente calor @@ -1361,7 +1502,11 @@ capillarized carabineri carbolized cardio +carnivorous castrating +castration +catgut +cervical ch chemotherapy cheque @@ -1378,16 +1523,22 @@ cn cnt cockamamie cogito +coitus colloq +commie congresspersons conks +containeth copacetic corkenpoppen corpuscle +counterfactual +countess cpu cpu's crabgrass crapshoot +creole criminology croquet crossoffs @@ -1396,11 +1547,15 @@ crowbar crunchy crustaceans crusty +cubits cummings +cunnilingus +cunt curiae cuticle cybernetic da +dah damnfoolproof dandruff dans @@ -1410,8 +1565,11 @@ das dataspec dduupplleexx de +deb defamed +defendin defuse +dem demagogism demigodic demo @@ -1421,6 +1579,7 @@ dermis destitution dev dextrose +di diddie dinette dis @@ -1435,45 +1594,62 @@ doderez doggerel doggy doloop +dong +doric dost doth dotty drivel drop't +duenkt +dumbfounded dummkopfen dumpster -duenkt +dunno e.g ecamier ee eggnog ein +ekil +elihW +enchillada enui er ergo erogeny es +eschatological est etus ev'ry +excrement exhalation extemporanea extracurricular +eyeing eyestalks fainali fallaron +farting +feces fella +ferkin fertsneet +fetcheth +fiesty figgy fiks filees filename filors +findeth fix'd fixin's flang flatfoot floss +flunkers fo foghorns folkloric @@ -1481,8 +1657,11 @@ foo forcaster fornia fornication +forsight forsooth fractal +frat +freakout freezin frillant frob @@ -1493,19 +1672,26 @@ fruh fruitcake fruitcakes frumious +fuck +fucked +fucking funhouse galore +galumphing gamekeeper +gangrenous ganz garnishment gd gefingerpoken +genital genocide gesteckt gewerken gharsley giftlist gimble +gimme gimmick girlfriend gleekzorp @@ -1513,7 +1699,9 @@ gleknow glowworm glycylalanylaspartylalanylleucylglutamylleucylglycylisoleucylprolyphenylalanyl glycyltyrosylthreonyltyrosylleucylleucylserylarginylalanylglycylvalylthreonyl +gniyl gobbets +goin gonna goodbye goto @@ -1522,6 +1710,7 @@ goyim goyish goyisha graffito +grandee grok grouse gry @@ -1538,6 +1727,7 @@ hammmer handcraftsmanship handwaving hanky +hansome harmonium headgear hectare @@ -1545,6 +1735,7 @@ heinous hermit hev hexagram +hexahedronical highbrow hippogriff honorific @@ -1559,6 +1750,7 @@ houseplant housewares hullabaloo humour +husbandryman hyper i'm i.e @@ -1570,6 +1762,7 @@ iear iers ifthen ihn +iht ihuxw impo incivility @@ -1584,19 +1777,24 @@ inquit inrushing insa interferon +intestinal ironmongery itn ius jast jb jeered +jerkin judex jukebox +k'honi ka +kaloo kar karat karma kase +kasha keepen kiloliks kitsch @@ -1617,11 +1815,15 @@ ladybug lampshades lank lanylglycylalanylisoleucylserylglycylserylalanylisoleucylvalyllysylisoleucyli +lassie latine lawnmower le +leapy +lecherous lerts les +lesbian letez leucylphenylalanylisoleucylcysteinylprolylprolylaspartylalanylaspartylaspartyl lexicographer @@ -1646,11 +1848,15 @@ lythreonylprolyalanylglutaminylcysteinylphenylalanylglutamylmethionylleucyala m'I ma'am magtape +mah +maidenhead maindz mainframe mal +mali margarita masochist +masturbate masturbation mausers megs @@ -1662,23 +1868,30 @@ memorizin meowing merinos meta +methedrine methionylglutaminylarginyltyrosylglutamylserylluecylphenyialanylalanylglutamin methionyllysylalanylalanylthreonylarginylserine midterm millions mimsy min +miniskirt minx mit mittengrabben mizk mobocracy +mod modifaiing mohmen moldy mome mon +motherfucker +motherfuckers +mousetrap mousetraps +munchies musculus myxbl n'oeuvres @@ -1686,6 +1899,7 @@ nah nanocentury nanohenry naugahyde +ne'er nell net.fat net.flame @@ -1713,8 +1927,10 @@ obits obius obscurantist ohnegleich +ok okay ol;lkld;f;g;dd;po +ole oln omelette omerade @@ -1740,7 +1956,10 @@ paperboy paroxysmally penis pense +pentameter +pere perfum'd +peyote phenylalanylyalylthreonylleucylglycylaspartylprolylglycylisoleucylglutamylglu philogyny pl @@ -1749,6 +1968,7 @@ planaria platypus pleH po +poena pointy poiuyt poly @@ -1760,6 +1980,7 @@ porrf posibl posthole potty +pox poz ppo prawns @@ -1775,6 +1996,7 @@ propounded protheththing protien protoplasmal +provideth pulitzer pur pushy @@ -1786,6 +2008,9 @@ quop qwert qwertyuiop rKe9 +rabbinical +rabelaisian +racquet raed raineth raisiny @@ -1799,6 +2024,7 @@ reich replased replasing rhinoceri +rhumba ridandant riform rigadoon @@ -1812,12 +2038,14 @@ rubbernecken rubout runtime ry +saideth sam samurai samuri santa savour sawhorse +schlemiel schlichte schnappen scullery @@ -1827,13 +2055,19 @@ serylaspartylprolylleucylalanylaspartylglycylprolylthreonylisoleucylglutaminyl shalt shamus shinnied +shit +shithead's +shits shlafen shorn +showgirls sightie sightseeren siouxeyesighed +sissies sizeof skyhigh +sleaze sligo smurfette snarley @@ -1844,9 +2078,12 @@ soleucylglyclleucylleucylmethionyltyrosylalanylasparaginylleucylvalylphenylala somebody'd sont spacewar +spake spank spel speling +sphincter +spikey spitzensparken spl springenwerk @@ -1859,8 +2096,12 @@ statecraft steamrolling steeplechase stogies +strewed subsittute +suckin +sucky suet +suh surly svm swang @@ -1894,12 +2135,16 @@ tites toehold tollway tommyo +tonsillectomy +tooties tornpee touch'd trampoline trans +trashcan treacle tripoline +truckloads truncheons tryptophan tsetse @@ -1912,6 +2157,7 @@ tween twixt tyg ukulele +ulcerous umsige unbegot und @@ -1926,8 +2172,10 @@ varicose vatch ve velcro +veni verreckt vichyssoise +vici viditur vo voist @@ -1944,10 +2192,12 @@ wench werld whaledreck whilst +whimsy whodo whomped wi wid +wildebeest wimmelten wimp wombat @@ -1963,9 +2213,13 @@ xe xen xrewawt xsz +yamalchas +ylbatrofmoc ylleucyllysylglutamylarginyllysylglutamylglycylalanylphenylalanylvalylprolyl yo +yogurt you'se yyoouurr zayda zephyr's +zits -- 2.11.4.GIT